// genshin men as podcast hosts //
i don't have anything to say for myself i just thought this was really funny LMAO suddenly thought about this in the shower like a week ago nd i couldn't stop giggling to myself ( ´艸`)
cw: crack, wrote this with a modern au in mind (unless there's podcasts in teyvat.......)
includes: alhaitham, ayato, pantalone, tartaglia, kaeya, albedo, cyno, heizou, lyney, venti, dottore, itto, kaveh, kazuha, wriothesley
the satirical Chad Alpha Sigma Male
↳alhaitham, ayato, pantalone, tartaglia, kaeya
Whether they’re giving ridiculous financial advice, telling people how to get women to like them or spouting absurd political takes, they somehow have a loyal fanbase. They’re always playing up the Sigma Male persona for the sake of satire but, because this is the internet, people take them seriously.
They'll say something nonsensical like “you should treat women like you treat your nonstick frying pans” and their listeners will eat it up, praising them for such a smart analogy when, in reality, their podcast setup consists of their laptop and a mic set up at their kitchen table and they just laid eyes on a skillet while they were rambling about nothing in particular. Doesn’t matter how they speak either; they could have a typical, exaggerated youtuber accent or always speak in a deadpan tone- people will still take what they say at face value and miss the irony and satire.
Seeing people argue online entertains them, though. Plus they make good money
the one that always has homoerotic tension with their guests (no homo tho)
↳albedo, cyno, heizou, lyney, venti
Their podcast isn’t organized, they kind of just ramble about whatever topic comes to mind. There’s no theme, no plan when they start recording- they basically just have a conversation with whoever they’re recording with and see where it goes. Sometimes they could be cracking jokes about the corniest things (___er? i hardly know her!) or they’ll be having deep conversations about their childhood and why they turned out this way.
OR. They’ll chat with their guest and turn what they say into a dumb sex joke, even if it’s a stretch. Podcast episodes with them are always hilarious to listen to, the kind that you can’t listen to in public because you’ll end up holding in your laughter and making yourself look like a Fool.
They have the best vibes, too; listening to them and their guest makes you feel like you’re a part of the recording session, even if you can’t respond to them
has THE most outlandish storytimes
↳ dottore, itto, kaveh, kazuha, wriothesley
Every single podcast episode with them is absolutely unhinged. They’ll start the recording with their intro, and then they’ll hit you with the most insane storytime opener. There’s no line to cross either; it doesn’t matter what kind of story they have in store, they will talk about it (and make it funny, even if it might not be). One time when they uploaded one of their podcast episodes to YouTube it ended up getting age-restricted in the first five minutes.
They’re the kind of host that can captivate anyone when they’re telling a story, whether they’re speaking in an extremely animated manner or in a convincingly serious tone. Whenever they have special guests over, they make it an unspoken challenge to one-up eachother on who has the craziest story to tell (most of the time they’re the winner).
Their podcast is the kind of thing you listen to while you’re getting ready in the morning... though it might not be the best idea because 9 times out of 10, you stop in your tracks to stare at your laptop screen in disbelief to listen to them talk about the time they accidentally set off the fire alarm in a retirement home and what happened in consequence to that
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Some of My Genshin Impact mains (current and past) but as cat personalities I've seen and lived with
Xiao
The "Unhand me Fool! I Will Paint the wa- Oh hey, This is nice."
Violence is his love language <3
Was probably found in a trash can alone and feral
SMALL, like mistaken as a kitten despite being full grown small, with sleek black fur and yellow eyes. If it wasn't for the small bits of green on the tips of his tail and ears he would blend in with the shadows
Again- feral, but a ride or die once you get his trust
You don't need a guard dog with him around
Actually you don't need anyone around!!!!(he's jealous)
God forbid you're talking on the phone around him
He won't do anything to you, he just stares
If he's asleep around you, and you leave while he's still asleep and he wakes up- he panics
Where are you?? Did you just up and leave? Did he do something bad in his sleep? He just panics until you come back
"Xiao what's the matter? Did something spook you?" "Meow meow!" (You came back! You do still love me!)
Seriously he kinda has attachment issues... if it's just the two of you living together. With the other cats. He's... fine with them, doesn't really trust them at first
Decides Razor and Albedo makes good company
Is on okay terms with Kokomi and Tighnari,
With Wanderer and Al-haitham, it's on sight
They'll play nice if you're around, but one you leave the house, it's go time
After the fight, it doesn't really matters who wins, they just need to make sure you don't find out.
Kokomi and Tighnari fix their fur and make sure the house is in order while the winner sits in the window, waiting for you to come home, and the loser sulks.
Razor
The "I'm Totally a Cat, Trust me!"
A scruffy, medium-sized, light grey cat, not a kitten but also not full grown. Kinda in that awkward cat phase
Probably found by someone's pet dog
Dog just took a look at scruffy little Razor and thought "Alright you're mine," but the dogs owner is, conventional, allergic to cats
So now he's yours :D
Can't really meow. Kinda just squeaks and/or howls
He just doesn't cat
Doesn't like tall places, takes bits of water instead of just dipping his tongue in, likes playing in water and mud, forgets to clean himself constantly, and just all-around is bad at being a cat
Is fine with being alone for a few hours, but he can't sleep alone. He needs so be with you or on you to sleep
Isn't violent or aggressive to humans or other animals in the slightest, but with bugs and mice. Well they don't last long in your house
Loves living with other cats
Even if Xiao at first hissed at him or Wanderer smacked him on the noggin, he just keeps trying to be their friend
It worked with Xiao, jury's still out on Wanderer
Tighnari's teaching him how to be a cat and Kokomi and Albedo are making sure his fur keeps clean and nice looking
Other than that he's just happy to have more friends in the house
Kokomi
The "Tiny and Cute, but Beats the Neighborhood Dogs Daily."
Menace to society
A medium-to-small sized cat with sleek light pink fur, fading into a light powdery blue at her paws, her ears, and the tip of her tail
Could be a show cat if she wasn't so much of a trickster
She isn't mean, just smart. Waaaay too smart
Likes going outside and luring dogs into her traps
Again nothing mean or life threatening, just kinda funny
Like luring them over puddles that are deeper then they look, or taunting them to lunge at her only to watch them face-plant into a glass door or scaring them with their reflection
Doesn't trick you, you're her favorite human!
Not really a snuggle cat, but likes laying on you and having the occasional head scratches
Over all, a pretty good, mostly normal cat
I say mostly because if she sees any water, she wants in it
Sink full of soapy water? She doesn't care, let her swim. A bathtub of warm water? Ah her favorite. A fish tank with no cover? Well the fish are luck she doesn't see them as prey! A whole swimming pool? Sign her up, she's swimming laps!
If you have a cup of water and aren't paying attention, she's going to stick her paws into it. Not to drink, just to swish around
Flat out leads the other cats like an army
Oh? The mice are trying to invade thier land? Alright, Razor go get Xiao and Wanderer
Outside of the mouse turf wars, or other threats to tge house, she doesn't really interact with them much
Wanderer
The "Appears out of Nowhere Just to Watch you Scream, (you Swear he's Laughing.)"
Roughly the same size as Xiao, but less malnourished
Literally just the cat in his story quest (or was it in the Archon quest, I can't remember.)
Was left at a cat shelter and considered un-adoptable, but you said fuck it and took him home
Has little dog syndrome despite being a cat
You swear he teleports
You turn around for one second, then turn back, and he's there
Snickers when you jump, and pouts when you catch him off guard
Be careful when you pet him, he tends to get overwhelmed easily.
And then he bites
Not hard enough to draw blood, but hard enough to leave a mark
After a while though he gets more comfortable with it
The type of cat to sleep on your face
Also very picky about food and what water
Only drinks ice water (spoiled brat)
Has an ongoing rivalry with Xiao
They often see who can catch the most 'invaders' (i.e. the mice, bugs, and other pest)
While he might seem like he hates the other cats, he's the first one to jump into the fray for them
Did once absolutely decimate a dog because it was chasing Kokomi (he didn't know the chase was part of her plan)
Albedo
The "Hey I found this, I want to keep it." And also "What are you doing? Where are you going? What are you eating?"
A medium sized, kinda fluffy, blonde cat with bright blue eyes. Also has a strange marking on his neck, kinda like a scar
Just kinda walks in through a open window one day, and stayed
Nosy real fucking nosy.
A shopping bag- What's in it? Oh you bought a new backpack- let's see if he can fit in it! On the phone? With who?
A leash cat
Please let him explore around, he's so curious
Will bring you LIVE mice- just don't scream or else he will panic and drop it
Will also bring you other things too
Rocks, feathers, bottle caps, a kitten, twigs
Wait a kitten?
Yep, he brought home a little blonde kitten with red eyes. I think you can guess who it is...
He is now her parental unit.
He tries to keep her out of trouble, but it's kinda hard.
Him and Klee have accidentally broken something on multiple occasions
They both sit in the corner ashamed of themselves
Albedo is not really a 'cuddle' cat
Or a 'people' cat (atleast people who aren't you)
If you have guest over, he'll just watch
Not with a mean or angry look, just looking
Him and Tighnari are planing something, you don't know what it is, and it's suspicious
(The plan is just how to wrangle in Wanderer when you're gone)
Al-haitham
The "Please for the love of God don't ask me to do anything other than the bare minimum."
A large, fluffy, grey cat. Has a little spot of green on his chest
Such a pretty cat, but has such an awful attitude
Well that is to anyone but you
Doesn't catch mice or bugs, doesn't do much of anything
He just want to lay in the sun and nap
Gets grumpy if anyone wakes him
Doesn't like Xiao because he tried to get him to do things (Xiao thinks he's a freeloader)
Hides from Razor because he keeps trying to play with him
You know that video of the cat just letting the automatic toy hit them in the face- yeah that Al-haitham
Just wants to do nothing with you
He's laying on your lap whether you like it or not
Don't try to stand up, he'll just dig his nails in
Read to him, he might look like he's napping but he's listening to everything you say
The type of cat to meow if you talk to him
"What do you think? This or that?" "Mreow,"
Shockingly, will use cat beds
Also likes to sleep in clean laundry, that you just folded
The reason you need to now check the dryer before you put wet clothes in
You know those cat who like to lay in the most uncomfortable position? Yeah that's Al-haitham
Tighnari
The "I Have a Schedule and you Will Stick to it!"
A medium sized cat with fluffy dark, nearly black, green fur that has spots of light green around his ears and tail.
He has large ears and a bushy tail, honestly might just be a cat-like fox, but it's hard to tell
You will wake up at 6am on the dot or else
The 'else' is just him screaming at the top of his lungs
Can probably read the clock
He has a routine: Wake up, breakfast, pest hunting, lunch, nap #1, cuddle time, dinner, run around like the devil himself is coming to finally collect your soul, nap #2, stop Xiao and Wanderer from killing each other, more cuddling, make the human get ready for bed, make sure everyone is in bed, then go to bed.
The only reason there is some semblance of order in this house
Like seriously if it wasn't for him, the other would have found a way to burn the house down
Breaks up any fights, stops the others from getting into to much trouble, and making sure Razor keeps his fur clean
Strangly protective of any plants around the house
The only time he'll out right hiss and swip at the others
No Razor! You can't dig around the plant pots, you'll kill them! No, don't eat the leaves!
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// genshin characters as lethal company players //
cw: none! just silly headcanons. 100% crack
includes: kaveh, kazuha, columbina, kirara, kaeya, cyno, ayato, wanderer, xiangling, xingqiu, mika, layla, nilou, chongyun, thoma, childe, itto, dehya, dottore, albedo, lyney, bennett, ganyu, venti, furina, zhongli, neuvillette, candace, collei, arlecchino (that's a lot)
a/n: this was a shower thought after watching the sumeru cast play the game agfsghjs
knows everything about the game
↳ kaveh, kazuha, columbina, kirara, kaeya
⇢ already has a “boss” pin on their in-game uniform when you play together for the first time
⇢ is the one that chooses which moons you guys go to. also buys all the resources (flashlights, walkie-talkies etcetc) bc they don't trust anyone else to do it
⇢ could probably speedrun the game if they wanted to, they have like every map memorized
⇢ if they die you’re ALL fucked. good luck
⇢ always brings back the dead bodies no matter what (says it’s for the quota but actually just feels bad leaving you guys there)
mostly there for the laughs but is maybe surprisingly pretty good at the game
↳ cyno, ayato, wanderer, xiangling, xingqiu
⇢ don’t let them find the airhorn/clown horn unless you want them to destroy your eardrums
⇢ somehow Always encounters monsters. but they get out alive (most of the time)
⇢ has died to quicksand and gotten clowned for it in the vc with other dead people in it
⇢ when you go sell items on the last day they ring the bell repeatedly to provoke The Worm to make everyone panic
⇢ scares you on purpose. may or may not have gotten themselves killed by you beating them to a pulp because you got jumpscared by them one too many times
always on edge, even before the game starts
↳ mika, layla, nilou, chongyun, thoma
⇢ gets the “most paranoid employee” note when you all come back from a moon
⇢ most likely to sacrifice themselves (to finally catch a break)
⇢ screams a lot. has gotten eaten by eyeless dogs more times than u could count
⇢ sticks with you so they’re less scared (but their paranoid Vibe just makes you scared too)
⇢ the one that dies first or is the last one standing. either way they're stressed and can't think properly
your personal guard dog
↳ childe, itto, dehya, dottore, albedo
⇢ “strength in numbers!” they say right before a thumper mauls the shit out of them
⇢ designated enemy killer. carries around a weapon to smack them with it (their weapon of choice is a yield sign)
⇢ has saved you from a snare flea stuck to your head multiple times (always expects a “thank you”. they bonk you if you don’t say it)
⇢ walks in front of you to scope out danger
⇢ also sometimes very tempted to beat you with their weapon just to fuck with you (dottore finishes the job)
the lost puppy
↳ lyney, bennett, ganyu, venti, furina
⇢ gets “laziest employee” every single time because they never find any scrap to bring back to the ship
⇢ has an awful sense of direction in the game and somehow loses sight of you even when you're exploring the moon together
⇢ gets grounded by your group and is tasked to guide people in the facility through the cams with their walkie talkie
⇢ their inventory is always full but only with useful items like a pro flashlight, a walkie talkie and a ladder
⇢ speaking of ladders, they've accidentally fallen in a hole multiple times and that's why they always need a ladder on them. to get themselves out.
bonus: watches you play!
↳ zhongli, neuvillette, candace, collei, arlecchino
⇢ watches the game either very invested or very confused
⇢ may or may not backseat without realizing it
⇢ contributes to the bits (not on purpose: zhongli, neuvi. on purpose: candace, collei, arle)
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