#can you tell i cried bc depression like 10 minutes before i took that pic

[codependentsamanddean]

5 years of Supernatural - How it changed my life

I was reading the Family Don’t End With Blood book, and I remembered that this week will be 5 years since I started watching SPN. Yes, I remember the day, it was July 15th, 2012. 

I thought that to celebrate this mark, I’d write my own story about how Supernatural has changed my life, inspired by the book. It probably will be long so I understand if you skip it lol.

I was looking for a new show to watch, I was currently following a handful of shows but I wanted something else. I knew about Supernatural because I was already on Tumblr even though I had only a personal blog where I reblogged random stuff and had like 100 followers or less. I saw gifsets from the show here and there, and I remember thinking “this show must be cool. It looks like these brotjhers have a nice bond”. Also, I have been a fan of Jared Padalecki ever since 2004 and I saw him in New York Minute, so it was another reason to try it. To sum it up, I watched 7 seasons (the show had only 7 seasons back then) in one month, and by the end of it I was addicted. 

Lemme just say something before I continue. I am that kind of person who becomes obsessed with something only to not give a single shit about it one month later. So I thought that what was gonna happen with SPN as well, I’d fall in love with it but it was gonna go away soon like everything that came before. But that wasn’t what happened. 

I got more and more in love with the show and those boys, tjhe story of those brothers. And if I already adored Jared, I started loving him even more, at the same time I got to know who was that gorgeous Jensen Ackles. I learned how special the relationship between them in real life was as well. My tumblr slowly became almost 100% Supernatural, and then one day I saw a blog made to spread the word that Jensen hated Jared. I got so fucking mad reading that, it was the turning point for me. That same day I created a new Tumblr, and the url was j2loveeachother. I wanted to show how the boys actually loved each other very much. I was into the show for about 4 months by then, and I already knew. And little did I know how the decision of making this Tumblr would change so much in my life.  

When I entered this place, this fandom, with this blog I felt instantly at home, like I belonged here. I have a lot of internet friends, I made some good friends back in 2008 because we were all fans of an American Idol winner, and we’re still friends to this day, almost 10 years later. So I enjoy meeting people online even though it sucks that most of the times we’re far away. 

In the beginning of 2013, a couple of months after making the blog, I was put in the same list as another SPN blog by one of my mutuals, as people who loved Sam. I followed that blog and me and the girl started messaging each other here on Tumblr. That was Karri. in about 10 days we “got married” on tumblr and became “wifeys”, which we still are today. We became close friends, the kind who talk almost everyday about things that go beyond the fandom. Other people were added to the equation and god I met so many amazing people. Some of them are long gone and that makes me sad not knowing what happened to them since they left their blogs behind. But new ones arrived and that’s the beauty of it. How many amazing people I met here, but it was sad that everyone was waaay too distant, specially since I live in Brazil and most people are in the US (Karri in California). I remember thinking, will we ever meet someday?

There was also the matter of going to a convention. I remember vividly one day, after Vegascon 2013, one of my mutuals posted a beautiful J2 op she took with them. I was starting to get familiar with conventions, and I remember looking at that pic and thinking “that is so fucking amazing, but I’ll never ever have that.” The cons were in the US and I am thousands of kilometers away, so no there was no way. And that made me so sad, because I really wanted to go, I wanted to be able to have that experience. I wanted to tell Jared how much I love him, how much he means to me, I wanted to be able to meet him face to face and also Jensen, it was so unfair that I wasn’t able to go if I loved the show and them so fucking much. 

In october of 2013, I had a dream. It was like one day after Chicon, a lot of tumblr girls had gone there, and I dreamed that Karri and I were there, and it was pretty amazing. I woke up feeling sad because it wasn’t real, and that night I told Karri this on Skype. I don’t know exactly how it started, but eventually we were like “what if we went to Chicon 2014?” I was gonna start working a couple months after that, I would have some money to go. She hasn’t been to any cons by then as well, so it would be the first time to both of us. We got excited with the prospect, we had one year to make that happen, to be at Chicon in october of 2014. She wanted to put a counter on our blogs right away but I didn’t want to jinx it, we literally had nothing. She did it anyway. I remember going to bed like “that’s almost impossible, I don’t think we’ll be able to pull it off.”

On October 22th of 2014, almost one year after that conversation, I boarded on a plane from São Paulo to Chicago for my first SPN convention. Remember how I wondered if I was ever gonna meet Karri?

remember how I thought, about one and a half year earlier, how I’d never have gorgeous J2 op like that one ever, and how unfair it was?

going to Chicon 2014 was so incredibly important to me for many reasons. I did something I thought I wasn’t gonna be able to, I set up a plan and step by step, I conquered it. I finally attended a SPN convention, which was even more amazing than I imagined. I told Jared in person how much I love him, I got to hug these two man and take this amazing picture, I couldn’t hold back my tears when I found my op among all the others and saw how perfect it was. I finally met Karri in person, which I thought was too hard and we had an amazing time together. I visited Chicago, which was one of my 3 dream cities. 

Leaving Illinois was hard. When Karri and I were on the train from Chicago to Rosemont on our last day, to catch our flights on a few hours, I lay my head on her shoulder and cried looking outside the window. I didn’t even know when I’d see her again and I was so incredibly sad it was all coming to an end. I arrived back home exactly one year after the conversation Karri and I had. I remember taking the lanyard out of my suitcase and crying so much. We had done it, and it was too incredible to even put into words. 

I thought that was going to be my only con. But later that year I knew that wouldn’t be possible. On New Year of 2015, I told Karri I wanted to attend a con in 2016, and she needed to come with me. We debated a lot where we should go, and I was convinced to go to a city I never imagined visiting, by two friends who I also wanted to meet. So in August of 2016, I boarded another plane to Minneapolis, to attend Minncon 2016. and if at Chicon Karri and I were pretty much by ourselves, at Minncon I met so many other amazing people. People who live across the world and who I would never have met if it wasn’t for this show.

My dream op came true and Jared gave me a piggyback ride:

And I also got to witness firsthand how incredibly human and caring this man is. It was the first time I saw Jared after AKF and all that happened to him in 2015, and this time I went to get his autograph crying bc I was too overwhelmed by all of this, by him, and also because I didnt know if I’d ever see him again. He entwined his fingers with mine and squeezed my hand, winking at me. My heart melted.

I had a fucking amazing time in Minneapolis. Not only because of the con, also for the people I was there with. On our last night, after the con was over, me and the girls went to the pub right next to our hotel to eat and talk, there was so much laughter and happiness. I knew how much I would miss that while I was still there. 

To me, Minncon would be my last con. But a few days after the con, I was still in the US, in NYC in vacation, and Karri began convincing me to go to New Orleans in 2017 for another con, since Heather and some other girls were going to. And how could I say no? How can I stay behind and watch my fav people have fun at a con without me? So in a little more than 3 months, on Oct. 23rd, I’m getting on a plane to New Orleans, to experience all of this again for the third time. 

Before I went to Chicon, i was afraid to tell people why I was going to Chicago, I was afraid they’d say it was stupid, a waste of money. But I got so much support it surprised me. Even my boss encouraged me to go when I asked for some days off, I never hid from her where I was going. She started watching SPN this year because of me and now she wants to go too. I know some people may think it’s unecessary to spend all this money to go to conventions for a tv show, specially 3 times when I could have gone to just one, but I don’t care. It’s what makes me happy, I get to spend an amazing time with amazing people this show brought me. And I can’t wait to spend even more amazing moments this year. Because of Supernatural, I got to meet people I would never meet otherwise, and I got to visit places I probably wouldn’t if it wasn’t for the show. Supernatural gave me so much, it literally changed the course of my life. 

I also discovered a new talent, I found out I can write stories, after reading so many J2 fanfics I tried to write my own fics, supported by my awesome friends, and now I can write a story that has over 100k words. Not only that, I can write all of that in english. I’m a native portuguese speaker. Supernatural has improved my english skills as well. 

I don’t have a sad story to tell, Supernatural didn’t save my life or ended my depression. Thankfully I don’t have those problems. But Supernatural changed my life. Literally. It changed many events that happened after |I started watching it. It introduced me to a whole new world. I have friends on different parts of the world because of it, and now I know it’s not impossible to meet them. Saying goodbye to them is so hard, I have cried my eyes out at airports twice, but as I was hugging Karri goodbye in Minneapolis, we realized it wasn’t the last time we’d see each other. It might take some time, but we can do it. The world is big but with effort, we can get anywhere. So many good memories from the past 5 years happened because of Supernatural, and today I can’t imagine how my life was before that. I made friends, I visited new places, I met my favorite actor in the whole world. All because I decided to watch this show I kept seeing on Tumblr. Even long after the show ends and we’re no longer here, the impact it had on me will remain. I know these friendships will stay, as well as the amazing memories I’ll carry throughout my life. I hope I can tell my kids someday if I have them, how much this simple tv show changed me. And I’m gonna encourage them to go after what they love, like my mom did to me when I first told her, afraid as fuck, that I wanted to go to Chicago (a ten hour flight) *just* for a supernatural convention. And she was like “go for it”. Little did I know a small decision on July 15th of 2012 would have such a huge impact in my life.

Thank you Supernatural for the road so far. And for the road yet to come. 

#Lullys rambles #supernatural #personal #I got carried away lol

[noheroes-allowed]

(edit: from 10-12am)

12/14 - 12/15, I keep having breakdowns and I definitely know why but at the same time I’m confused

also again, don’t read this lol I just wanna remember this in the future

so last night I was hanging out with Ally and Nana and I was having a lot of fun so I pushed back the meeting time by an hour but then he said he was gonna go out with his friends and wouldn’t be back for a few hours - I didn’t want him to go though bc I really wanted to see him plus I went all the way to the health center after my final to get supplies like they better be used - so I got kinda sad and started drinking with them

but it turned out to be really fun though like things happened like last time and I really wanted to dance and sing and I didn’t throw up which is always a plus

so I hung out with them for a long time and stayed up last night for him to get back to me when he’d be back and free, I got really sleepy at like 2 but he messaged me half an hour later

honestly I felt kinda upset though bc I always felt like he mattered more to me than I mattered to him, which is partly bc he’s my first everything and partly bc I think I feel /too/ much sometimes (always), and he didn’t seem that interested in me coming over

anyway I got there and he was super weird omg he was so hyper and talkative bc he was still drunk but it was really funny

like in the elevator he thought he lost his credit card and he kept saying he probably left it at the bar but it was in his back pocket the whole time, and then when we got to his place he got these nachos and ate them super quickly holy shit but he only ate half of the container BUT it was only for like 2 minutes that this was happening lol it was weirdddd, also he had like a little hop in his step or he would dance a little while walking idk it was funny

but I felt weird being normal around him while he was like that so I asked him for something to drink and I got buzzed (tbh who am I) and we fooled around

he said I gave the best —— he’s ever had

when I drink though, I have no filter and all my thoughts come out so when we were laying there I started saying how I felt, specifically how I wished I mattered more to him and how I wished he talked to me more and how we never do anything else and how I always ask first to see him, not the other way around, and how I want him to make me ——, and shit

he said I was special though and he does care about me, and we should do something else but I added that it’s too late now, and he does want to ask me first but I always beat him to it and it’s annoying that I do

I also said how cute he looked when I met him the first time

I asked him to sing and he sang some paper moon song but I didn’t like it so we switched to can’t help falling in love; we also talked about me making out with my friend and how he thought it was hot and she should come over sometime lol but he would focus on me

I woke up to him on the phone with a background investigator for his new job lol and the investigator wanted to meet up with him today but he didn’t go, he says apparently that he’s done some shit particularly hacking things that he shouldn’t have and he was stressed he wouldn’t be hired bc of the things he’s done

I distracted him

I was on my phone checking my grades and I got a 92 on my calc final!!!!!! and a 90.5 on my linear algebra final!!!!!! I’m so fucking happy I worked my ass off in calc especially!!!!! and tbh I kind of slacked on studying for my lin alg one but I pulled it off!!!! he was impressed hehe, he thinks I’m insanely smart which I don’t think is true I think I just work a lot to get where I want to be (I really really do and I don’t think people know and they just write it off as something inate and I hate that, give me the credit I deserve)

he told me how he used to try a lot freshman and sophomore year of high school but he didn’t junior and senior year but he did better then, and how he lowers teachers expectations in the beginning so doing what you’re actually supposed to do later is impressive to them

he made me quinoa which was so good I fucking love quinoa and he said he doesn’t know anyone else who likes it besides him and like same I don’t know anyone who likes it the way I do

we talked about the Friday before that when I made out with my friend and how we took off our shirts and I was wearing her bra and it was wild, and he asked what my friends thought of his pic (lol Vaani just liked to say he’s brown but he’s a cool one which is rare)

lol he also voice texted my mom and she was confused

we watched Aunty Donna and it’s always sunny clips and we talked about the associative property of multiplication for linear algebra and matrices

my friend thinks she’s a 7 when I think she’s a 9 and I was texting her about this and he said she’s probably a 6-6.5 and I got sad bc then I would be so much lower

he told me not to worry about it bc there are other things that factor into it

he said I was wilder and dirtier than he was freshman year, apparently his old friends are very conservative and believe the waiting until marriage thing which is interesting bc I don’t know many people who feel that way

he said he was tired and had a rough week bc he has seasonal depression and bc of the background check determining if he starts his career

I wish I told him I had (have? I don’t know what tense it should be bc it never goes away right?) depression quite recently but it’s weird to say out loud and even on here rn bc I feel like I don’t have the right to categorize or describe or legitimize how I felt the last two years as that when I was never truly diagnosed or anything sigh idk it’s just a problem I have like I don’t know if I can say I had/have depression and I’m rambling

we fell asleep and I had a dream we were at some park and we were on a ride that was like those weird mechanical character things that aren’t roller coaster you just sit and you go through the ride and watch things

anyway he jumped out of the ride but he didn’t get caught bc this other guy did it first and all the security were reprimanding that guy, and then the scene changed and we were gonna out to see some show but then he just wanted to stay in and we were just laying on the ground inside somewhere like it wasn’t his place or mine but my parents walked in and I freaked out so much even though we weren’t doing anything but there was alcohol around us I fucking woke myself up

we did things again

afterwards I got sad

we were talking about what I was saying last night, how I kept saying he mattered more to me than I did to him and he mostly said he didn’t pursue more bc he knew I was leaving

I told him I didn’t want to go and he asked if I meant today (lol he offered for me to stay while he works on his project with his friends and he’ll be back in a couple hours) or in general, it was both

I cried

he got a tissue and dabbed my face

I told him how I wanted to stay for multiple reasons, I didn’t want to start over at Cornell

he was really nice bc I kept saying I’m sorry (he kept asking what I was sorry for - I’m sorry for crying, I’m sorry you have to deal with me breaking down, I’m sorry I’m upset) for being like this (lbr he didn’t sign up for this lol) and he said it was good for me to talk it out instead of letting it fester and he really tried to console me like telling me I can still keep in contact with the people I met and how I’ll make new friends and have fun and such

I told him I’ll miss him bc he was my first everything and he said it’s better with the clean break and good terms instead of a long term relationship and bitter endings and bad memories, with us it’s just melancholy

he’s a really nice guy and I’ll miss him

he said I was always welcome back and could stay for a couple days at his place if I was on break

he kept asking if I’ll truly be okay after I stopped crying, it was so good and pure and sincere

I could’ve loved him

he makes me want to write again

we watched a Portal 2 video and he showed me his website and we went on each other’s Tinders

he saw how people asked for my number and asked if I ever met up with them, I told him I only met with 2 other guys and we were talking about it and he said he doesn’t get jealous (I do)

he told me to bring an overnight bag for Saturday

we ran into a security guard in the hallway and he asked if she always patrolled bc he never noticed and she said yeah all the time and he asked for what kinda things and she said for people having sex in the hallways and loud music and crazy college kids and fuck he’s so good at talking to people

there was a dog in the elevator

it snowed/hailed today and I didn’t even notice when we stepped outside lol, only when he threw snow at me

I tried to throw it back but it was hard to pick up and it melted in my hands but he had gloves on and kept doing it

it was fun

he’s really fun

we were talking about moving here as kids and English as a second language which is weird bc it’s technically the second language I learned but it’s my primary language and hm, he said he sometimes switches without noticing which wow I’ve never met anyone in real life who’s done that

we walked to the Atlantic building, it was cold and slippery

I’m tired, physically and emotionally

18, 20, 2-3, 9-10, 11-12, 14-15

I could have loved him

#remarks