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#caffeine addiction and an overthinking brain
thesapphic-chef · 2 years
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Have to be up at 4am for work (DRAG BRUNCH YAY) and since I just got home from work after drinking caffeine for the first 3 hours of service and it’s currently 11:45pm, I CANT SLEEP 😭
I think it’s Make Jess’ Brain Go Brrrr 🫠 time again so I can play and get myself to fucking sleep. So pleaseeee if you’re a butch/masc lesbian feel free to hit my ask box (on or off anon it’s up to you) and make me squirm
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rowark · 5 months
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Kathryn Janeway has ADHD: a summary
I said before that I would elaborate on why I think Janeway has ADHD, so here we go!
I came to this conclusion after watching 5x01 "Night", so I'm going to start there and then go into other evidence.
So basically, in that episode, they're travelling through this starless void with no end in sight, and it's taking a huge toll on the mental health of all the crew, but it's having a particularly profound impact on Janeway. Everyone else is anxious, restless, more short-tempered than usual, but they don't undergo major personality changes. Janeway, however, is acting completely out of character by staying hidden in her quarters and not talking to anyone.
It appears that she's going through a depressive episode, and she attributes it to her guilt over getting them stranded there in the first place, and that seems to be the reason, until the power goes out and she instantly snaps out of it. That's not how depression works.
That made me start to think about something she said when she was refusing to leave her quarters, which was "what I wouldn't give for a few Borg cubes about now. Anything for a little distraction. Strange as it sounds, I almost long for the days when we were under constant attack." And that's when it hit me: she's not depressed. She's bored.
When you have ADHD, boredom produces symptoms of depression, to the point that ADHD in adults is frequently misdiagnosed as depression or bipolar disorder. The ADHD brain is already deficient in dopamine, so being bored feels intensely awful.
But the thing is, you get a hit of dopamine, and you immediately recover. ADHDers thrive on novelty, and even something bad, but unexpected, can pull you out of an ADHD depressive episode, because now there's something to do.
When the lights go out, Janeway is in her quarters, and she looks up, surprised. The next time we see her, she's got a phaser rifle shooting aliens, and she takes back control of her ship and crew, as if she didn't just spend a month isolating herself. She snapped out of it because the new alien attack was exciting and novel enough to break her boredom.
So that made me start to think about other clues, and this is what I have come up with so far
addicted to coffee - people with untreated ADHD especially tend to be caffeine addicts, because it's a stimulant and it alleviates symptoms
hyperfixates - on topics and people... she talks about her childhood obsession with science and math, and they seem to be more than just interests to her. Plus, like... Seven of Nine. That's a hyperfixation if I ever saw one
hyperfocus - people tend to think ADHD means a lack of focus, but it's actually an inability to control your focus. Hyperfocus is the other side of inattention... it's when you can't stop focusing on something, and do things like stay on the bridge for 14 hours straight (which she has done)
abandons hobbies - when was the last time we saw her pick up a tennis racket, after she was so excited to play tennis again? Has she ever finished a holo-novel?
disconnection to people that aren't there - they're all separated from their friends and families, but Janeway doesn't seem to be as bothered by it as others, and she doesn't bring up her loved ones the way some of the other crew does. ADHD causes a sort of "out of sight, out of mind" thing with people when you don't see them
Impulsivity - like, I don't think I even need to give examples here. She's impulsive af
Thrill seeking/novelty seeking - this trip is taking way longer than it needs to to get home, because Janeway needs to stop at every planet they see, and investigate every nebula and spatial anomaly, even when it seems incredibly dangerous to do so
Overthinking/rumination - I mean, she locked herself in her quarters for a month, because she couldn't stop thinking about a mistake she made 4 years ago. Textbook rumination
Dopamine - in "Scientific Method", the alien pumps Janeway's brain full of dopamine, and is surprised that it doesn't have the effect they expected... which would make sense in a brain that was dopamine-deficient to start with
I have seen arguments that she's bipolar, and I'm not going to say that she's not, because like... she's a fictional character and I'm not a psychiatrist, but I don't personally see bipolar in her.
ADHD does cause emotional dysregulation, though, and I do see that in her.
Anyway, that's what I have so far. Eventually, when I start this series from the beginning again, I might find more because I'll be watching it with an ADHD Janeway bias, so we'll see
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gray-skiess · 7 months
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hey there stranger | s.r.
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summary: spencer's been spending a lot of late nights at a cafe
warnings: i really can't think of anything, mentions of working late, unedited, bad writing (probably), caffeine addiction, gender neutral reader, no use of 'y/n', general overthinking, this is my first time writing for spence ;-;
word count: 1.8k
masterlist
11:03 pm
You were almost done with your usual closing shift, taking a glance and the ever so slowly moving hands on the clock across the cafe every once in a while. You didn’t have any plans, per say, but were anxious to get home and finally rest. 
The cafe wasn’t particularly busy this late, but still had its usual stragglers coming in to burn the midnight oil.
“Hey there Mr.Delancey, the usual this evening?” You grinned at the older man in front of you. Mr.Delancey was the owner of a bar downtown that closed just an hour before your cafe. It was typical of him to stop by after closing up.
“You got it,” The man took out his wallet, paid, and took his drink to go, almost like second nature. You let your shoulders slack after he walked out, looking once again to the clock and then finding your eyes caught on a familiar mop of brown hair in the corner of the seating area.
You turned to your coworker who was doing some sort of ‘pass the time’ task.
“Manila folder guy’s back again?” He must’ve come in during your break- you would’ve remembered his soft brown eyes and even more so the bags underneath them. You didn’t know much about him, not having been able to make small talk with him whenever he came in.
“Yeah, I think this is the third night this week,” Your coworker looked over to the man briefly before returning to their task. “I mean, you can’t really beat the late great closing time of midnight around here” you joked to yourself, entering a tip amount into the computer system. You coworker chuckled then looked out of the front windows.
“Hey you mind if I grab a smoke? There’s hardly anyone coming in.” You shoo your coworker off then look back to the man in the corner. It took you another 10 minutes to muster up enough courage to approach him.
You walked up to the table, a refill of the man’s familiar order in hand.
“So what are you working on this late?” Your own voice startles you to some amount, breaking the silence that occupied the shop for what felt like eternity. The man didn’t bother to look up, instead continuing to flip aimlessly through the folders. You caught a look at the pictures in them, cringing before tilting your head to the side.
“They’re all wearing rings.” You muttered. The man looked up, then back down to the folders, his eyebrows raising. “Sorry, I don’t know what this is, and I don’t think I really want to know but-yeah. On their pinkies, the small gold ring.”
“Nice, uh, nice catch. I don’t know how I didn’t see that.” He spoke finally, writing something down then looking back up to you. “I’m Spencer. Reid. I’m a profiler for the FBI.” Your eyebrows raised then. “FBI huh? So looking at cryptic photos in a manila folder isn’t just a hobby?” You kind of laugh to yourself, crossing your arms and shifting your weight. Spencer doesn’t seem to think your comment was as funny as you did, but still offered a soft smile.
“I’m afraid not.” The silence is back and fuck you are realizing that this guy- this rando FBI profiler is really cute. Before your brain can catch up your mouth is already running again.
“Have you always wanted to be in the FBI?” From there you manage to carry a small conversation, taking the seat in front of him and listening as he talks about his high IQ or eidetic memory.
11:34pm
Your coworker whistles at you from behind the coffee bar, pointing to the clock and beginning to shut down the espresso machines.
“Well Dr.Reid, it was great meeting you. I hope you catch whoever is doing- that,” you motion to the now closed folder.
You get up to move back to the coffee bar, taking off your apron and placing it by the register. Spencer continues to look over his notes. Against your better judgment you turn back around to face the brunette man. 
“I know this is probably really forward of me- but would you want to grab dinner sometime?” You began to ramble about some diner down the street and Spencer takes another sip of his coffee. “I mean- it could totally just be a casual thing but I would really like to get to know you more…” You trailed off- your motor mouth finally running out of fuel.
Spencer’s eyes softened, and he looked down at the workload in front of him. It was almost like he was debating with himself.
“I- I would love to but I’m really usually caught up with work so I don’t have a lot of time for,,, dinner…” You nod. “Right yeah- yeah of course. Have a good night, Spencer.” With that you walked behind the coffee bar and sunk down to the floor behind the espresso machines.
“Ouch,” You run a hand over your face, embarrassment flowing through your veins. You decide to brush it off and begin busying yourself with sidework.
12:03
The cafe was finally closed. Spencer had left in the last 10 minutes and you managed to spot clean every single spoon in the store.
“Dude I just- I know I like don’t even know him but that was so embarrassing” You whine, counting the dollar bills in the register and taking note of them.
“What do you mean?” Your coworker was checking the temperatures in the different mini fridges.
“Like- of course he wouldn’t want to go out with a total stranger. I don't even know why I asked.” Your hands flopped back down on the counter in front of you. You were tired, you were embarrassed, and you just wanted to go home for the night. 
“I’m sorry who are we talking abou-”
“Spencer! I thought I told you.” You turned around and leaned against the counter. “Manila folder guy- he- he’s cute. In a dorky kinda nerdy way.” You grinned at the thought.
“Oh! No he was totally looking at you all night when you got back here.”
“No he wasn’t.”
“He was! I saw him with my own two eyes.” Your coworker laughed and gestured to their eyes. “I think maybe he’s just genuinely busy with work… You said he was a cop or something right?”
“He’s FBI- I don’t even know if I should’ve told you. I feel like that’s something that’s supposed to be a secret. Or is that CIA? I can never remember.” You shook your head, your thoughts trailing from the initial subject of the conversation.
“Whatever- the point is, he was totally making eyes at you after you walked away.” You rolled your eyes at this, turning back to finish counting the money.
The rest of the night is quiet after that.
1 week later, 3:45pm
It was a rare occasion for you to not work the closing shift. You weren’t complaining since it meant getting home earlier and maybe even getting dinner from somewhere other than a 24 hour convenience store.
You were working with the same coworker you normally do, and you were thankful since you weren’t really close with any of your other coworkers.
The afternoon regulars were different from the evening regulars. They were still kind, but definitely far more impatient.
“I’ve got 1 medium hot cappuccino and a large iced cold brew with oat milk to go.” You write the order on the side of the cups and move them to your coworker down the coffee bar. You take the customer’s payment and give them a smile before readying yourself for the next customer.
“Uhm, the usual?” You knew this voice. You didn’t think you’d hear this voice again.
“Spencer. It’s nice to see you again. You catch that bad guy?”
Spencer laughed at this. He thought you were easy to talk to that night, and he still thinks so now. He could tell you were a little out of your element when you initially approached him but you were generally easy to build rapport with.
“Yeah- we did. But there’s always another one out there.” You nod, then realize you hadn’t entered his order in the computer yet.
“Oh my gosh I’m so sorry-” You tapped one of the buttons and grabbed a sit-in mug. You nodded to your coworker. “A manila folder.” Your coworker nodded back and when you returned your attention to Spencer you found him with his eyebrows furrowed.
“It’s what we call your order. Since you always have those folders.” You shrug and Spencer nods. “Anyway, it’ll be $3.75.” You put your customer service smile back on and take the $5 from the man.
“Keep the change and actually, I wanted to come by and see if that dinner offer was still on the table? Work is light this week and- uh- I’d like to get to know you more too.”
You’re taken aback, but your coworker who suddenly has supersonic hearing peeks over your shoulder. 
“They get off at 5.” Your head whips around to look at your coworker who simply mouths a ‘you’re welcome’ before continuing to make Spencer’s drink.
“So I’ll stick around until 5 and then maybe we can check out that diner?” You nod.
“Yeah- yeah I’d really,” Your voice catches in your throat and you swallow before continuing, “I’d really like that.”
extra:
It was a Monday morning, the day after Spencer supposedly rejected you. While you were retracing the conversation in your mind to think of things you’d do differently, Dr.Reid fiddled with his notepad, looking over the tip you gave him about the rings.
Hotch had dismissed the team to continue on their individual tasks, but Spencer hung back almost lost in his own mind.
“Okay pretty boy what’s got you distracted today.” Derek Morgan sat with his chair turned and raised a brow at the genius.
“Nothing at all. Just thinking about- about the case.” Spencer tried to cover but as smart as he was, he wasn’t very good at hiding his current thoughts.
“Bullshit- what’s on your mind.”
“Well I think- I think someone asked me out last night.” Derek’s once cheeky look turned to that of surprise.
“You’re kidding.” Spencer shook his head, “You’re not, well what did you say?”
“Well I told them the truth- we’re pretty busy right now.” Derek laughed. “No way- you rejected them? I didn’t take you for a heartbreaker, Reid.”
“I’m not! I just- we are pretty busy..” Spencer trailed and Morgan shook his head. “You need to go back and ask them out, clearly if you’ve been letting this get in the way of finding this damn killer, they’re worth it.”
“Yeah- okay maybe I will.”
“But not before we solve the case, so let’s move it pretty boy.”
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the-lights-are-loud · 1 month
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Betraying Me
I've been told many things.
"It's just a short drive. You'll be fine."
"They'll understand, you have a good reason."
"It looks like it is gonna be a rush today."
"Have you applied to those scholarships yet?"
"Look at all these letters from colleges!"
I know it's happening,
I know I'm being irrational.
But I feel
my heart
Swelling
Shrinking
Breaking
Twisting
Melting
Burning.
Like a pinprick of fire through my chest.
My lungs filled with lava.
"Next up for presentations."
My stomach is in knots and full of butterflies and jumping off cliffs and splat landings. 
My throat feels full of thick cotton, muffling every attempt at life. 
I can’t breathe
Or swallow.
My jaw, wrought and wrapped in iron, 
And the headaches it brings.
My shoulders are as hard as the boulder on my back.
My brain screams into the dark,
Empty,
Void. 
Every scenario runs through my brain at Mach 10.
“Is something wrong? Are you okay?”
I know that I don’t have to worry, but I do. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t worry. I need to know every detail, to have it repeated to me. 
Over and over 
and over and 
over and over. 
Nothing can be a surprise. Surprises are a bad ending, a mistake, a miscalculation. I can’t plan for them. Without a plan, I’m lost. What if I can’t fix the problems around me? What if something really happens and I can’t do anything about it?
My backpack is so heavy, filled with unused defenses. A giant box in my car, unused emergencies. An overflowing mind of unused plans. 
“Why are you so freaked out?”
I have to ask, 
over and over 
and over and 
over and over. 
Do you really love me? Or are you lying just to spare my feelings? Is the care you show me a facade? Am I just a pile of emotions that you have to take care of?
This sense of impending doom, it never leaves. Every approaching milestone, every idea that I can do better, locked behind that growing dark cloud.
“If caffeine makes it worse, why do you drink it?”
Am I addicted to this painful rush, an adrenaline-fueled spark that lights my heart on fire? I don’t want to feel this way, but it’s all I have ever known. Does it help to know that this pressure expands in the same way that it might shrink?
Do you know that my rushing heartbeat makes me panic? Each thudding, thundering pulse is a reminder that I can’t calm down, no matter how much I try. Every time I cry in bed because I can’t sleep each rushing possibility collides in my mind like a lightning bolt, striking the vulnerability in me.
“Stay away from what bothers you.”
When the world is the issue, how can I escape? When everything and nothing drives you to the brink of insanity, would you feel hopeless too? When it’s inescapable, and the world relies on you to function normally, would you not worry?
Am I annoying? Do you get sick of my worries? Do you know I’m just as sick of this hassle that is the attempt to reassure me
my heart, 
my racing beat, 
my mind, 
my crowded thoughts. 
I’ve done these things before. They aren’t strange or new, 
but I still overthink. 
Because 
something, 
Something always goes wrong. 
Why can’t I get a break from my own prison? 
Why can’t this ache fade?
I hate it.
I feel like I hate myself.
This anxious cry 
of my brain 
betraying me.
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a-book-dragon · 9 months
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i think i realize why substance abuse is so common among artists, musicians, writers and the like - besides being on average more sensitive.
being addicted to caffeine is common among people with high-stress jobs where you have to be productive all the time - because it helps them be productive in the short term.
eating disorders are common among celebrities and models - because they help them look a certain way in the short term.
what do artists need? inspiration, being more creative, more confident in their abilities, escaping to their inner world so they can create. certain drugs can help in the short term.
take weed - from personal experience it makes you perceive the world more clearly, it sharpens your senses and gives a boost to your imagination. i've heard of people writing entire stories in one sitting while on meth (although it RUINS the brain and its faculties in the long term) or coke. opiates such as heroin help with escapism. and halluciogens can give you all sorts of interesting visions. benzos lower your inhibitions and anxiety and help you create without overthinking. amphetamine makes you more productive....
and if you're suffering from lack of inspiration or confidence in your work, i can see how you can get addicted to drugs.
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innerfuel · 2 years
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Does The Brain Get Tired Of Thinking?
You might ask yourself: “When we put forward by the mental effort, why do we end up feeling exhausted?.” This is a common question among people.
In this article, I will explain why we feel tired, especially when we overthink something leads to feeling fatigued.
Bullet Points:
Raichle’s research found that the brain uses 20% of the body’s energy despite just 2% of body weight. A typical day of thinking burns 320 calories. Mental states and tasks can affect brain energy consumption; without adequate energy, you might feel brain fatigue.
Our brain depends on glucose as its main source of energy. However, ketones(BHB) can be used by the brain. Ketone can cross the blood-brain barrier and can be used better energy source by brain cells. That leads to more brain cell energy, improves BDNF productions, and enhances GABA and overall inflammation.
According to research, too much glutamate leads to feeling as well, as the toxicity of excess glutamate may contribute to cognitive fatigue; the research in Current Biology discovered that Greater amounts of glutamate, a brain signaling molecule, were found in participants who worked on a cognitively challenging activity for more than six hours. The authors point out that excessive glutamate may impair brain function and that rest may help the brain reestablish healthy glutamate homeostasis by affecting GABA levels.
What is the effect of too much glutamate?
Glutamate plays an essential role in normal brain functioning and its levels must be tightly regulated. Abnormalities in glutamate function can disrupt nerve health and communication and in extreme cases, may lead to nerve cell death.
Too much glutamate in your brain, in the wrong place, in too high of a concentration and for too long can cause brain cell damage or death. Some neurodegenerative diseases associated with having too much glutamate exciting nerve cells include Parkinson’s disease, Alzheimer’s disease and Huntington’s disease.
Consuming glutamate in foods may cause symptoms like:
Muscle tightness.
Headache.
Irregular heartbeat or palpitations.
Body weakness.
Increased pain sensitivity.
The More Glutamate, More Tired Your Brain
Researchers discovered that participants who performed the more challenging task accumulated more glutamate in this brain region by the end of the day than those who performed the easier task.
How to Lower or Balance Your Glutamate level?
Taurine: This study indicates that taurine is a potential neuromodulator in glutamate transmission. The reciprocal inhibition between taurine and glutamate in the postsynaptic neurons contributes to computation of visual signals in the retinal neurons
NAC: NAC is a precursor to the amino acid l-cysteine. In drug-dependent & addicted mice, N-acetylcysteine (NAC) therapy restores glutamate (Glu) balance and prevents relapse.
Agmatine: Agmatine is a neuromodulator. It blocks NMDA receptors, and agmatine creates a balance between GABA and glutamate by making GABA levels higher and glutamate levels much lower.
Magnesium: One of the key benefits of magnesium is that it increases our gamma-aminobutyric acid (GABA) levels and can also reduce the stimulatory effect of balancing glutamate level
Reduce caffeine: Dopamine and glutamate are both released from the shell of the nucleus accumbens in response to caffeine consumption. However, overconsumption of caffeine can lower GABA levels, leading to stress and anxiety.
Nutrients that help to lower glutamate levels include vitamin C, magnesium, vitamin D, and omega-3 fatty acids. However, supplements that come in capsules typically contain gelatin, which should be avoided. Opt for real food sources or liquid supplements.
Related: The Three Brain Boosting Beverages To Help You Stay Focused
Other Reasons Why Overthinking Makes Us Feel Tired
When you engage in activities that burden your mind, the theory goes that your brain consumes glucose, a sugary chemical used as fuel. As a result, your brain gets tired, glucose levels fall, and adenosine levels rise, preventing the neurotransmitter dopamine from being released.
You can understand why people prefer caffeine to feel better and enhance the nootropics effect because caffeine is an adenosine blocker. It functions by attaching itself to the same receptors that adenosine would typically bind to.
Which one is better: Mentally tired vs. Physically tired?
Two of them are bad. However, mentally tired is a more serious thing than the physically tired. Why? Because as a human, we mostly use our brains unless we are UFC fighters. Isn’t it? You are reading this paragraph with your brain, not your muscle power. ( Sure, if you have a high amount of muscle, this will support mitochondria and helps better cognition, but still, it’s not the main subject. )
However, for holistic health, two of them is important
Neurotransmitter deficiency might lead to mentally feeding tired and lack of motivation. However, you might still be good at the physical energy level, or your muscle can still be strong.
Some people have high and strong physically, but it doesn’t mean they are the prefrontal cortex, cerebrum, and another creative side. “The frontal lobe is primarily responsible for thinking, planning, memory, and judgment. The parietal lobe is primarily responsible for bodily sensations and touch.”
According to recent studies, Einstein’s brain was not particularly large compared to other people’s, but it was 15% broader in the critical regions that govern mathematical cognition and grey matter. He has a good amount of mental power but not superior physical power.
For more information: Does The Brain Get Tired Of Thinking?
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sureuncertainty · 3 years
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constantly worried that the medication i take for my ADHD is actually hurting me bc i’m faking having ADHD and if it’s not acting in a very specific way, and if i feel certain side effects i’m faking and abusing stimulants :///
#win rambles#like.... it doesn't necessarily make me calmer.... it clears my head and helps me focus but sometimes it does give me a bit of like....#frenetic energy i guess? and i KNOW that's just the anxiety brain responding to stimulants but like#i'm just like shit this means i'm abusing them bc i have these side effects and they make my insomnia worse#it's why i stopped taking the XR version but i might go back to it bc it was really nice to have it working more#but it did make it really hard for me to sleep so idk#idk like sometimes i can REALLY FEEL the meds working like i can feel it in my brain and kind of in my body and so i'm like shit#idk there's so much gatekeeping i saw a thread about it on twitter that at first made me feel better#bc ppl were tlaking about how they respond to meds in some similar ways that i do#and one person was like oh for me it just makes me calmer and kinda tired and i can focus more#and someone responded to them and was like yes that's because you REALLY have ADHD unlike all these FAKERS in this thread that are just#abusing stimulants#and it doesn't help that i had multiple people tell me to be careful not to be addicted#including a friend with a caffeine addiction and i'm like wow you're one to talk asdoihasfoihasdf#but like idk i went back to a really low dose for the past couple days and like.... i didn't have like withdrawal or anything?#i just had less executive function and it sucked#idk part of me wants to try different meds but these help me and they make me happy bc my brain seems to be working better#but then i'm like what if it's not#idk i overthink it so much#hence me typing out this long ass post and the other posts i've done today#THAT'S THE THING LIKE. I'M ON MY MEDS RN AND I'M WRITING BUT I'M ALSO TALKING ABOUT A LOT OF STUFF#AND I'M LIKE SHIT I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE JUMPING BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN STUFF LIKE THIS I MUST BE FAKING ADHD#i hate it#anyway if any of my followers who also take adhd meds (i'm on adderall) wanna chat about their experiencesf#or just like idk remind me that this is fine and normal and side effects don't mean i'm faking???#that would be really nice#i literally have a professional diagnosis hence the fact that i'm ON medication#but like i still worry about it#adhd stuff
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you know what, screw it. Here's a list of my headcanons on ADA members' sleep schedules:
-Dazai: probably makes himself sleep deprived as a form of self sabotage. Stays up until 5-6 a.m. regularly, only sleeps for more than 5 hours whenever he passes out from being drunk. Frequently oversleeps in the morning, shows up at the ADA at a different time every day because of how erratic his sleeping is. Has a headache nearly 24/7 and permanent brain fog, can't concentrate on work ever because even just thinking takes so much effort. Probably thinks that the "has trouble thinking" thing is a good thing because then his brain is too exhausted to throw overly negative thoughts at him. Used to pull all-nighters all the time in the PM because he mostly worked at night, so now he's just used to not sleeping at night and doesn't see why he should fix it. No one trusts him with sleep meds like melatonin, so they begrudgingly let him be Like This as long as he isn't too much of a threat to himself
-Kunikida: has precisely 8 hours of sleep per day written out in his Ideals, and tries to stick to it whenever he can. But his workaholicism frequently conflict with this, and so he often ends up staying up until 3-4, writing reports and the like, and then feels extremely guilty in the morning and buries himself in more work. In college he would go for days without sleeping because he wanted to always turn in all of his work on time, then eventually dropped out because he realized that he could not let himself do this any longer, and his previous position as TA was good enough already. Definitely has revenge bedtime procrastination but will never let himself admit it
-Atsushi: usually gets enough sleep, but will often have nightmares in the form of flashbacks, so he wakes up tired anyway. Has trouble falling asleep for this reason too. Kyouka silently gives him things to help him sleep on bad days, and makes sure he's getting at least 6 hours every night. Having the tiger in him helps him deal with exhaustion and gives him a little more energy
-Kyouka: because of her past as an assassin, she isn't used to sleeping during the day. Stays up very late because she can't make herself fall asleep any earlier. Sleeps very lightly because she's used to having to jump up and fight at any moment. Thinks that getting 5 hours of sleep is enough. Is very tired all the time, but doesn't let anyone really see it. Has some mild brain fog. Atsushi helps her sleeping issues just like she helps him with his
-Kenji: hello daytime drowsiness! Gets enough sleep at night, but still frequently finds himself falling asleep during the day due to his ability. Yosano tried introducing him to caffeine to help him stay awake, but then he started bouncing off the walls and accidentally broke almost everything he touched because of how much energy he had, so now he's banned from caffeine and the rest of the ADA makes sure he has his naps whenever he needs to
-Yosano: knows the effect of sleep deprivation very well. Gets 7 hours often, but is always ready to stay up late helping people. "Caffeine addiction" is an understatement, and there are empty energy drink cans littering her entire workspace. Sleeps pretty lightly, and is ready to get to work at any moment because she's a doctor, and sometimes people need help at night, whether it's from injuries or if they just need someone to talk to. Will often stay up very late on weekends because she also has revenge bedtime procrastination, but, unlike Kunikida, she calls it exactly what it is. The third Friday of each month is dedicated to a late-night drinking session with Dazai where they talk about all of their problems. Ranpo often accompanies them, but eats candy instead of drinking because Ranpo and alcohol are a terrible combination. Kunikida was roped into the gathering a few times as well, but only Ranpo has any memories of what happened during those times
-Ranpo: pretty burned out most of the time, but doesn't know why. Executive dysfunction makes it so that he can't make himself work during the day, and then the guilt sticks with him for the rest of the day. Often overthinks at night. But he still gets 9 hours of sleep regularly. Crashes pretty early in the night (compared to other ADA members, at least), but will stay up all night when given the chance to binge something like a show or a new mystery novel, typically one of Poe's. Stays up late with Yosano, but mostly on weekends
-Tanizaki: is probably still recovering from the sleep schedule most students have, but is doing very well with sleeping otherwise. Naomi often forces him to sleep enough. Thought his sleep schedule was just okay, but then looked at the rest of the ADA and realized that he was doing a lot better than almost all of them
-Naomi: gets about as much sleep as you'd expect from a student with a part-timer in a detective agency. But she still tries her best to get enough, and on the days where she barely slept she'll stay home and rest. Overall, she seems like she'd be pretty responsible
-Fukuzawa: tired all the time. Running an agency takes a lot of energy, and he has a huge workload. Will often pull all-nighters at the office and then slide in and out of microsleeping the day after. His office is separate from the rest of the ADA, so he zones out in there a lot. Drinks tea as a source of caffeine. Dreams about becoming a cat and getting to sleep for 18 hours a day. Fukuzawa is used to working alone, and so often refuses help from people. He sees himself in Kyouka, and notices the fatigue she tries so hard to hide simply because he did the same. He has explained to her how long the recovery process from the nocturnal lifestyle will be, and tries to help her whenever he can. He helps all of the members, really. He lets Kenji sleeps when he needs to, allows Dazai and Ranpo to slack off, will often try to redistribute Kunikida's workload, worries about Atsushi, and helps Naomi with homework during breaks. He really, really wants to be a cat sometimes
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whatifxwereyou · 3 years
Text
The Oncoming Storm Part 22: Anxiety
Liu Kang x Reader and Kung Lao x Reader (gonna do both, two paths!)
You are such a mess but Liu Kang might be the most understanding man ever, Lol. Bad day for me, but hope you guys are all doing okay! Good vibes and much love. Thanks for reading <3 Update for the new one tomorrow, update for this one on Tuesday. Smooches!
Part 21 Part 23 Chapter Index
The hike up the mountain was tiring but serene. You kept their eyes peeled for the fork in the path and caverns that may have been hidden along the mountainside. The few that you encountered were either inaccessible or had no signs of water. You lost track of time, but you caught the branch in the path and the sign that explained where each path went. It was as good a place as any to regain your bearings, you figured. You wished it told you the altitude. You were winded. Beyond you was the path to the leftmost that the attendant had told you to take, the trees were growing at funny angles on steeper parts of the mountain.
The sign explained that this was one of the more interesting phenomena taking place in Huangshan. You remembered them vaguely from your vision but couldn’t recall their significance, if any.
The thought of your vision twisted your stomach into uncomfortable knots. You rubbed the bruise on the side of your neck and shivered. This was all too familiar. That uncomfortable feeling that had overwhelmed you in Japan. Knowing a place without having ever been there. It was enough to make anyone sick.
“Do you need a break?” Liu gently touched your arm and you huffed, defensive immediately.
“No.”
“You’re out of breath.”
“We’re hiking! That’s normal. The altitude is probably crazy.”
“It is also normal to need to take a break and you had a long day yesterday. Your throat…”
“I’m fine. Stop worrying so much.” You didn’t mean to say it like that. Oh no.
“I just…”
“No, really. Stop it.” You grabbed his arm as he reached to touch the bruise on your neck. He knitted his brow in confusion. “It’s really sweet that you worry about me so much, Liu. But maybe you worry a little too much. I’m not a porcelain doll. I’m not going to fall over and break.” He averted his gaze, but his back straightened and he was uncomfortable. “I know it’s hard. Your only experience with me so far is my being wounded and needing help. But I’m capable and strong and have been on my own for years, so much so that it’s hard for me to be with people constantly. Your worry is… it’s a lot.” You hadn’t meant to sound so harsh or unappreciative and you could only hope that he didn’t take it the wrong way. You didn’t want him to have to worry about you and in a very stupid circuitous way it worried you that he worried so much. It ate you up to see his energy so wasted on worry. You weren’t worth the worry. You shifted your gaze. That was a bad, unhealthy thought. Oh no.
“What?” Liu seemed in disbelief.
“Sometimes you look at me like if you take your eyes off of me for a second then I’m going to disappear.” That fear that you had an unhealthy attachment to him in a time of crisis was there again along with your questioning your worth suddenly. And what if his attachment was unhealthy too? Your brain was scrambled. Kung Lao had put his messy fingers in there and smooshed it all about and now you were so confused.
“I didn’t mean to.” He tilted his head curiously as if trying to understand. “I don’t think you’re easily broken, Y/N. I simply wish to take care of you. That’s all.”
“That is… ridiculously sweet but you expect me to trust you when you’re hurt, don’t you?” You purposely shoved at the shoulder that you’d bruised. He mouthed ‘ouch’ and rubbed his shoulder comically. Then he nodded. “You have to trust me too. That’s all I’m asking.” He was quiet for a long time, and you felt selfish and stupid for having said anything at all. You’d complained that he cared about you too much? Really? What was wrong with you? You were overthinking. Your brain needed silence.
“I didn’t realize my worry was having that impact on you. Perhaps my concern for your well-being has been a bit pushier than I realized.” He spoke finally and not in anger which was a relief. “I understand that it might seem as though I don’t trust but I assure you that it’s quite the opposite. I trust you more than I trust almost anyone, Y/N. I can’t help that I worry for you, it’s part of who I am. I care about you.” That was direct. Alright. “I can’t help that. If I can protect you then I’m going to. It has nothing to do with how capable you are. That’s who I am.”
“I get that, Liu.” You swallowed that persistent lump in your throat to no avail. “And you can worry about me. I’m sorry I brought it up. But I might just… be mildly annoyed with it sometimes. That’s who I am.”
“What’s gotten into you?” He laughed but his face was still riddled with concern. “You’re not yourself.”
“There’s the worry again!” You were defensive and you knew it, but you couldn’t stop it either. You hated that your brain was feeling one way and your mouth and body were responding another. Why couldn’t things come out the way you intended them to? You wanted to tell him that you were worried that you’d attached yourself to him and had become a burden. That you had been through a lot and weren’t processing any of it in a healthy way. Instead, you accused him of being a worry wart.
“Yeah, because you’re not being yourself. I need you to relax, Y/N. It’s been nonstop stress for weeks. Come with me.” He grabbed your arm and you fought him as he continued up the path to the left.
“What? No! What are we doing? Wait, what?” You pulled your hand back and he pulled on you again then nodded behind him.
“Come now, jump on or I’m going to just pick you up and throw you back there.”
He was going to carry you on his back? Is that what was supposed to make you relax? Having about your legs wrapped around him? That was not going to help.
“Liu, wait, we’re hiking.” You yelped in surprise as he did as he said he would. He lifted you up and pulled you right onto his back, grasping your legs and urging them to wrap around his middle. You threw your arms around his shoulders on instinct with wide and panicked eyes. He’d done that way too easily. Oh no, you’d thought about the legs wrapped around thing but not the body pressed against him thing. You were not prepared.
“Have some fun, Y/N.” He laughed, adjusting your arms for you so that you weren’t choking him. “Death grip, jeez.” You relaxed your grip a bit. “Better.” Then he continued up the path, hands beneath your knees to hold you up. This did nothing for your stress even if you did laugh in disbelief that he’d done it. You supposed that his body was warm and comforting and his shoulders and back were incredibly strong and impressive beneath you. “We have much to do Y/N and who knows what will happen when we find what we’re looking for. Enjoy the ride and the view.”
“Please, for all that you believe in, Liu… don’t phrase it like that.”
“Wow, Y/N.” He laughed, stealing a quick glance over his shoulder at you. You gave him a reassuring squeeze and then tried to do as he asked. You really did need to relax. When had you become so opposed to having fun? You were on your guard constantly and had to find a way to put the shields down for a few seconds. Kung Lao hadn’t helped, that was for sure. You relaxed and rested your head on his shoulder, feeling his hair tickle your cheek as you watched the mountain pass you by.
You couldn’t let him do this for long. He was carrying an adult human on his back up a mountain and that was no mean feat, no matter how strong he was.
“Okay. Time to set me down.” You sighed after a few minutes.
“Why? This is nice and you finally seem relaxed.”
“You are literally hiking up a mountain with me on your back and you’re asking me why?”
“Oh?” Liu Kang gasped comically, and you immediately realized your mistake. “Are you worried about me, Y/N?” You smacked his arm in mock horror. He grabbed you and swung you from his back, and you yelped again at how quickly it had happened, then blew your loose hair from your face. He helped steady you and then stepped closer, hand brushing down your arm carefully. You’d been here before and you stiffened up and felt his warm hand engulf your cheek. It was addictive, like caffeine, and the warmth of his palm sent shivers down your spine that you fought. His fingers traced the lines of your face and there was your stomach full of butterflies again. He slipped the rest of your rebellious hair behind your ear, something that he had done so frequently now that you’d grown fond of it. His hand slid down to your wrist, and he urged your hand to rest on his chest, over his heart. “It’s fine.” He spoke just for you, and his lips were bewitching. “Trust me like I trust you.” He was teasing you, and it was magnificent.
“I trust you,” you assured him but you felt small again and not in a bad way. He made you feel like you were something precious and important, something worthy of that protection he wanted to offer you. Maybe you had overthought it. Not maybe. You had definitely overthought it.
“It’s okay to worry about me, Y/N. I like that you worry about me.”
Boy, you needed to say something. Anything. And even more so, you wished that you didn’t want to kiss him instead of talking about it. But his lips were right there, and you knew that they felt nice. You also knew you would get carried away. This tension had been killing you. You had to break it soon and you weren’t sure how much self-control you had left. Lao and Liu had worn it away.
His fingers brushed over your jaw, and he held it carefully and tilted you up to meet his lips. You stepped back with a jolt. His hand dropped from your face, and you instead walked past him, eyes wide and feeling as though you had just ripped off an incredibly painful and large bandage. Oh, you regretted it! Immediately at that!
“We should keep going or we’re going to be here all night.” Your heart was screaming in your chest, and it felt difficult to breathe. Liu didn’t follow you. He stood there, almost stuck in place, eyes wide and confused. “Liu?” You tried not to sound awkward or forced. You wanted to kiss him. More than anything you’d wanted that kiss. But you had to talk, and you were afraid to talk. He closed his eyes tight, regained his composure, and then jogged to catch up with you. He didn’t say anything, but his expression was extraordinarily tight for someone who was usually so calm and composed. The silence was miserable. You couldn’t let it stand for long. “How are you healing up?”
“Huh?” He didn’t seem to understand what you were talking about and took a second to process it. You’d broken him, oh no. “Much better. Bruising is still pretty ugly in some parts, but it’s begun to fade.” You felt guilty for a thousand reasons. You had hurt him so terribly when he’d been protecting you and now, you were acting like an insane person. You knew you were acting off. You opened your mouth instinctively to apologize, but he cut you off. “Really, Y/N. You can’t lecture me for being worried about you and then fret over me because of your misplaced guilt in the next breath.” And he called you out on your bullshit.
“I… uh…” He wasn’t wrong. Crap. How were you going to fix this?
“I was there to protect you. It was exactly where I wanted to be. It hurt, yes, but I am grateful that I was there. Trust me. Please.”
“I guess it doesn’t feel great for me to… be a hypocrite about it. I’m sorry.” You regretted the whole conversation about worry more than you had ever expected but you weren’t perfect. You were trying but your head was mixed up. Liu took your hand and gave it a gentle squeeze, then he laced his fingers between yours. He was brave especially after you had straight up walked away from a kiss seconds ago.
“I love that you worry about me. I love that you think about me at all.” He threw that word around like it was no big deal. Then he let go of your hand and walked off the path to where he’d spotted a cluster of white flowers just barely in bloom, kissed with dew. He picked one of the flowers, careful of its stem and then much to your surprise, he returned to you and wove it into your hair, so that the flower tucked right above your ear. He’d recovered from your awkward moment much faster than you had. “Perfect.” He touched your cheek again and the addicting warmth of his hand made you shiver. You didn’t fight it that time.
His eyes searched yours, but you saw nothing but adoration behind his. You didn’t deserve him. Then he pulled his hand back and walked past you, leaving you stuck in place. You were lucky that he was being so understanding with you, even a bit playful as you waged war in your head. You turned in the right direction, at least. The clouds hung low above them, and it was amazing to be so close to them. You’d almost forgotten where you were and what you were doing.
“The attendant said that the cave should be around here somewhere, didn’t he?”
“If he wasn’t lying to us to get rid of us because we frightened him.” You recovered. The clouds had helped. You’d never thought you’d get to see them so close with your own eyes, nonetheless consider touching them the way that you thought you might get to.
“Let him think what he wants. We paid him and got what we wanted.”
“Sure did, moneybags.” You teased.
“Does that bother you, Y/N? To have people think what he thought about us?”
“Wha-uh no? No! I was just surprised by how you handled it. It was very funny.” You stuttered and thought it sounded like a lie even if it wasn’t. You weren’t bothered by that. It had been comical how poorly the negotiation had gone. He’d far overestimated whatever womanly wiles he seemed to think you possessed.
“Y/N?” He stopped walking and sighed. “You’re being weird.”
“Am I?” You knew you were. He stepped close again and adjusted the flower that he’d given you.
“Yes. Very unlike yourself.” He smiled despite the concern on his face. “What’s on your mind?” You hated comparing them, but it was difficult not to. Kung Lao was very much like you in some ways. He avoided serious conversations like the plague and deflected with sarcasm and humor. But Liu didn’t want to avoid the truth. You didn’t want to, either. In the same breath, you were terrified to tell Liu that you’d kissed Kung Lao. You hadn’t been afraid to tell Kung Lao. Why was that? It was eating you up. You were afraid to lose Liu Kang. In a way, you knew Kung Lao better and knew that losing him would be harder to achieve. With Liu Kang it was different. “Really, Y/N. You can talk to me.” You’d said that exact thing to Kung Lao and now here the tables had been turned dramatically. Liu Kang wanted you to be vulnerable with him when that was exactly what seemed to frighten Kung Lao.
You had to say something and maybe this was your biggest worry. Not the kiss, but the rest of it. “I’m worried that maybe I put too much on you.” It was on the list of the three thousand things you needed to say but you hadn’t been sure how to phrase it. Liu Kang was surprised. Well, you’d taken the plunge so, you might as well adjust to the waters. “When I first woke up in the temple, I was sick and scared. I can’t remember much of it except for you. You were there for me. I worry that maybe I attached myself to you a little more than I should have because everything was so beyond my control. And now I’m worried that this has become unhealthy.”
“Do you think that our friendship is unhealthy, Y/N?” Liu didn’t sound accusatory or affronted, but curious. God, he was so understanding. You did not deserve him. Did you really think it was unhealthy though? It hadn’t been you clinging to him. You’d laughed. You’d joked. You’d bonded. Stayed up all night sharing stories. Fell asleep in each other’s arms. He’d held you when you’d been in pain and you had offered him comfort when he’d needed it. You were crazy. What had you been thinking? How did you get that awful thought in your head? Your relationship wasn’t unhealthy. It was beautiful. It was just like you to take something wonderful and ruin it with overthinking.
“No, I don’t think it is.” You sighed, and it felt as though a weight had been dropped from your shoulders. “I don’t. I just… I know that you worry about me, and I don’t want to be a burden to you, Liu Kang. You don’t deserve that. You deserve more than having to worry about someone you met who was going through a difficult time and…”
“Y/N… Y/N, come here.” He gently urged his hands to your arms and pulled you close. Then he gestured to the side of the path. “You’re getting in your own way. Overthinking. Please, come sit with me.” He waited for you to agree, and you did so with a nod. Then he led you to where he had gestured toward. He urged you to take a seat and then sat in front of you, knees just the tiniest gap away from yours. “Close your eyes.” You did. Meditating was not a bad idea. “Take slow and even breaths. In through the nose and out through the mouth. Be aware of your body. Find your balance in your posture.” He took deep breaths with you. His voice was soothing and calm and brought you almost immediate peace. “Feel the crisp and cool air of the wind. The mist of the clouds falling gently upon us.”
You did and while your heart was still racing and your mind was still at war, your body was at least calming a little. Your hands throbbed. Your blood pressure had been through the roof.
“Take the thoughts racing in your head, the confusion and hurt, the fear that comes with it and let it go. Let those thoughts leave you in peace.” His voice grew quieter, again just for you. “Focus on the moment and your breath. Nothing more. Focus on the sound of my voice and think only what you know is the truth. Not what might be.”
He was right. You’d met at a difficult time, but you had been happy when he was there, and he seemed happy too. You came to enjoy Your time together and it was more than trauma and the moment. He wanted to be there for you, and you wanted to be there for him. Your head had gotten so confused and full of pointless, meaningless anxious thoughts that you had forgotten what was true.
You opened your eyes and suddenly felt exhausted. The buzzing in your brain had stopped and the frantic, panicked thoughts had flatlined. Liu was watching you with some concern in his eyes, as if he’d seen the invisible war you were fighting.
“I treasure our friendship, Y/N. I don’t know how you got it into your head that I could be anything but happy to get to know you.”
“You’re right. I was overthinking. I didn’t realize how anxious I’d become. I’m sorry, Liu. Did I hurt you? I’m really, really sorry.”
“Not at all, Y/N. You’ve been through some trauma since we met and more before that. Trauma that you have barely talked about. I know that you aren’t ready to deal with it yet. But I want to be there for you when you do. If you’ll let me.” He smiled softly and you melted. “I didn’t doubt what our friendship has become. I knew the moment you said it that your inner voice was speaking louder than the truth. It happens to the best of us. This has been hard for you. And for me.” He looked up to the low hanging clouds. “I don’t usually worry like this, Y/N. But Raiden doesn’t misspeak, and I can’t get it out of my head.”
“Oh.” Your stomach dropped. You hadn’t been thinking. Raiden had said that in front of all three of you, not just you. That if you didn’t figure this out soon then it would kill you. You hadn’t considered how that would impact him. You hadn’t talked since then, you supposed. You hadn’t had the chance. He’d kissed you and begged you to stay in bed with him that morning and you hadn’t. Then Raiden had read your vision and announced you wouldn’t survive the shadow hanging over you. It felt like a lifetime ago. How insensitive of you. A shiver went up your spine.
He urged his hand to your cheek and forced your gaze back to him. “We have to find these artifacts and hope they unlock some secret that might help you. I won’t lose you without a fight.”
“Liu.” You didn’t know what to say. You wanted to offer him encouragement, but you had avoided thinking about the harsh reality. Liu Kang and Kung Lao’s affections suddenly seemed far less complicated when put into perspective. You had to be more active in your choice, less letting them kiss you and more deciding who to kiss. He got onto his knees and leaned to place a soft kiss on your forehead. Then he stood up and offered you his hand.
“Come on. We have work to do.” He looked weary. You couldn’t blame him. You’d been a handful today. You got to your feet with his help. “Are you feeling any better?”
“Very much so. Thank you, Liu. I needed that.” You offered his hand a squeeze and held onto it. “Japan had me really mixed up. I needed clarity but instead I fed the buzzing thoughts of anxiety.”
“Being with Kung Lao for extended periods of time is enough to make anyone need to take a breath.” He smiled and you laughed, grateful for his levity. “You’ll be okay. We all will. Come.”
You walked together, hand in hand. Meditating even for that short moment had helped you silence the anxious inner voice. Kung Lao had unwittingly fed the inner voice and you had let it happen. You were frustrated with yourself still and it bubbled just beneath the surface, but you were coming to terms with the things that truly mattered and didn’t. You had no idea what would happen next, but you were not alone. You were grateful to have both Kung Lao and Liu Kang and no matter where you wound up, you were thankful.
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bookishofalder · 3 years
Text
Just Breathe
Pairing: Adam Driver X Reader (GN!Reader)
A/N-In this fic, AD is single. Inspired by my own love for makeup and the alternate life I’d have enjoyed as a film makeup artist. I also think this ended up with the reader being gender neutral!
Warnings: Mutual pinning. Kissing. Caffeine addiction.
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You took a long, deep breath, focusing on clearing your mind and settling yourself into professional mode. This was a routine, which used to simply be automatic for you, until you started working this new movie trilogy and your world flipped.
Just breathe.
You had been ecstatic when you got the call-key makeup artist for the new Star Wars movies! It was an absolute dream come true, after years working hard as a makeup artist for smaller films and television shows, building your experience. Now you were the lead, which meant you were going to be working with main character actors, a chance to really prove yourself, under the direction of the production designer. You would get to design concepts for their appearances and execute the approved designs.
And not to mention, you were a huge Star Wars geek, having grown up watching the films with your dad, who was an original geek. You would watch them every year on his birthday together, a tradition that you carried out regardless of where in the world you were working from on set, you would stay up all night and video call him while watching, if you had to. You never missed a single year.
But now, it was years later and you were working on set of the final instalment, which was bittersweet in so many ways. You just needed to breath.
Because since day one of production on these movies, you’ve been in love with the lead actor, and it’s been chipping away at your soul. Because it’s one thing to imagine being with someone unattainable for fun, but when you spend a lot of time in that persons presence and over time realize how perfect they are to you, it can drive you up the wall.
Adam Driver was kind, funny and serious. He and you hit it off really well when you met, he was always keen to hear your thoughts on his characters appearance, and he’d even asked you recently to join him on the next press tour as his stylist and makeup artist. That in itself was an amazing opportunity, one that would continue to launch your career into orbit. You adored working with him, and spent a lot of your down time missing him, his corny jokes and soft looks and overall presence. Because that man took up a lot of space, which seemed to affect you in many ways, all good.
You felt like that character in Love Actually, played by Laura Linney, who was in love with Carl. Except, you were sure you hid it well, and you were always the most professional colleague. However, pining over a celebrity felt too ridiculous, too common, and you were hard on yourself constantly for it. You convinced yourself every morning that it was simply a crush, one that would fade if you kept yourself focused and reminded yourself daily of the type of person he could date, if he wanted to.
Yet, here you were, needing to breath, because he was on his way to the makeup trailer for end of day cleanup and you needed to get your head in the game, figuratively shoving your feelings down. Daisy had finished and left already, while your makeup assistant Bailey was hurrying about tidying the trailer, avoiding your station, and moving some of the equipment into the storage area. Soft classical music was playing on the Bluetooth speakers, and the smell of peppermint tea you had brewed was calming you somewhat.
Glancing in the mirror, you adjusted your hair, smoothed down your apron and internally chastised yourself for bothering to check. Setting down your tea, you looked over your set up, ensuring you had everything needed, though end of day was always the easier part on this set for you. You didn’t exactly envy the hard work that the SFX make up team had on both sides of the day, but you were always beyond impressed with their beautiful work.
The door to the trailer opened and immediately, you felt his presence. Adam stepped inside, wearing a hoodie and sweatpants, his hair and face still fully set to Kylo Ren’s appearance, which always made you smile, as the contrast was hilarious.
“Evening, y/n, Bailey.” He said, nodding to you both before sitting down heavily into his chair. He smiled at you warmly, looking tired. You quickly set a headband on his head, pushing all the hair from his face carefully.
“How are you, Adam?” You briefly met his soft eyes, which were fixed on your own. If you didn’t spend so much timing beating yourself up for liking him, you might have noticed his eyes often following you, or his soft smiles, or the way he sometimes stiffened when your hands ran through his hair or down his face as you worked on him.
But you never did seem to notice. “I’m good, tired today, this week’s caught up with me.” He rumbled. You hoped he couldn’t hear your heart rate pick up every time he spoke. Although, it had been like this for years and he hadn’t complained yet. Or he’d grown used to it. ‘Shut up, brain’, you thought.
“I’m not surprised, after the fiftieth take of this scene I got tired watching you!” It was true too, having to be on set at all times during filming meant a lot of time spent watching the actors at work, and since Adam insisted on doing his own stunts, a lot of the scenes he was in were physically gruelling. You didn’t know how he did it, and despite his words you knew if he was called back to set for any retakes, he’d spring from the chair full of energy and ready to work.
His dedication was an astounding trait that impressed you from the start, never wavering. His serious, hardworking personality only had you falling harder.
He chuckled at your words, his eyes closing automatically as you spritzed his face with a gentle solution you liked for removing the prosthetic scar. He kept them closed as you worked, peeling off the wound with delicate fingers. You didn’t know that he kept them closed because when you were really focused on something, you bit your lip in a way that made his blood warm, in a way that gave him trouble with tearing his gaze away.
“I saw Bailey sneak you a latte, though, which I’m pretty sure means I’ve won our bet.” Your hands stilled at his words, and he peaked up at you, a devilish grin quickly spreading across his face freckled, handsome face.
You faked offence, scoffing “I don’t know what you mean, it was decaf.” Adam gave a bark of a laugh at your lie, shaking his head.
“Just admit it, you’re a caffeine addict.” He’d been teasing you for years for constantly having caffeinated beverages within reach, and you’d recently, stupidly, agreed to a bet where you would stick to one a day for a month. If you won, he had to forever leave you alone about it, and if he won he could continue to tease you for infinity.
“I believe the terms of our bet allowed for one slip up, actually.” You pouted, jutting your chin out slightly. You continued working, getting his skin cleaned and recovered from the makeup, pretending to be unbothered by the fact that he had noticed Bailey sneak you the latte on set. And you tried not to overthink why he would have been looking at you in the first place.
Adam considered your words for a moment, “Yes,” he said slowly, “But today is only day two of this bet, and you’ve already slipped up.” You were smiling now, the joy evident in his tone was contagious. Still, you rolled your eyes.
“I’m only human, you know, but I am competitive.” You hoped you sounded convincing. You weren’t sure you cared about winning the bet, really.
He continued to grin at you, but made no response. You settled into a comfortable silence together as you made your way through the end of day skin care routine you developed for Adam during the first movie. You had one for each of the main actors, and they’d all impressed you with their dedication in following them. You weren’t good at giving yourself credit, though. Everyone knew a skin care routine curated by you was priceless.
“You need me to stick around, y/n?” Bailey asked, popping out from the back of the trailer where the storage area was. She gave you a pointed look, which you promptly ignored.
“No, go on ahead and start your weekend, Bailey, I’m almost done here, thank you.”
“Night, Bailey!” Adam waved. Bailey bid them both goodnight and left, leaving you alone with Adam. You cursed yourself, feeling foolish. You meant to be genuinely nice to Bailey, who worked hard and deserved the break, but usually you kept her around at times like this to ensure you weren’t left alone with the object of your daydreams. When no one else was around, you had no witnesses to any comments that Adam made that you might consider flirtatious. And while you assumed handsome celebrities like him would probably inherently flirt with others as second nature, you never understood why he would flirt with you. It confused you entirely.
You felt your nerves suddenly rear up, and your hands shook very slightly as you removed the calming sheet mask you had placed on Adam. His eyes followed your hands, but he said nothing. You’d been alone plenty of times before, but every time you would turn into a nervous, silly mess, overanalyzing every comment he made and every word you managed to sputter.
You didn’t know it, but Adam always wished for more time alone with you. He knew you well, and could recognize your nerves and always wondered why being alone with him made you nervous. He hoped it was because you liked him, but he was helpless at flirting, and didn’t know how let you know how he felt. He didn’t want to overstep, or make you uncomfortable. You were both technically working, and he felt you probably had much more appealing options for partners outside of work.
Tonight, though, for the first time, you were both exhausted, under caffeinated and, though neither of you would openly admit it, lonely. Years of longing the other, feeling hopeful, was going to catch up to you both tonight.
“Okay, head froward for me please,” He complied, and you expertly ran your hands into his hair, pulling smoothing serum through the thick locks with gentle care. As you focused, applying liberal amounts, you noticed Adam’s hands clench the chairs arms. “Is that okay?” You worried you’d hurt him.
He tilted his head back and met your eyes. He was so tall that even sitting in his makeup chair, his eyes were level with yours. It was nice not needing to adjust his seat, as you needed to do constantly for most of the actors, but it also meant a lot of time face to face, learning to read one another. Your hands were still in his hair. Somewhere in the back of your mind, a voice of reason was telling you to calmly remove your hands and step back. But the look he was giving you had you frozen to the spot. You’d never read that expression on his face before, his eyes were dark, serious.
His eyes searched yours for a moment longer, “Yeah, y/n.” His voice came out quiet, soft. You think maybe your heart would stop working, because he wasn’t looking away. You couldn’t understand his expression, he seemed to be searching for something in your own.
Finally, you managed to pull your gaze away. Quickly removing your hands, you stepped back, smoothing down your apron nervously, “I-I mean, you’re all set, Adam, unless you need anything else from me?” Why was your voice so quiet? And your face, it felt hot.
You needed to get out of this trailer, away from this man-he was having such a strong affect on you. You rationalized that it was simply because you were tired, you really had cut down significantly on caffeine and this was the result, your sleepiness was lowering your defences and he was noticing you were acting strange. That was all it was.
Adam stood, frowning slightly, but didn’t move away from you. Now, he was right in front of you and you had to tilt your head back just to see beyond his chest. You glanced up at him, and his eyes seemed to soften.
“You’ve really been cutting back on coffee, haven’t you?”
You nodded, “Told you, I’m competitive.” Your voice was breathy, like you’d been running. What the hell was wrong with you, you wondered.
Adam smiled, “I know, I love that about you.” You thought maybe you were now hearing things, and simply stared up at him in surprise, his words genuine, warm.
“Thank-um, thank you, Adam, that means a lot, coming from you.” Now, you were basically whispering. Yet your voice sounded much too loud.
He tilted his head, took a careful step closer, the gap between you nearly gone now. His overall hugeness as he stood over you made you feel safe, and a jolt ran through to your core. “I love a lot of things about you, y/n. Like, how you’re face gives what you’re thinking away, if the person knows you well enough, and you know that about yourself so you try to hide it. You look away, before someone reads you-but I’ve gotten pretty good at catching your expressions,” The low timbre of his voice was doing things to you, and you couldn’t look away from Adam now, “And right now, I think I do know what you’re thinking. Can I test my theory?”
He was asking permission, for what you didn’t know, but at this point you’d have given it no matter what. So you nodded, “S-sure.” You saw the look in his eyes shift, his gaze moving to your lips.
Despite noticing this, it still caught you entirely off guard when Adam leaned down, his hands moving to your face, gently, and caught your lips with his own. So off guard, that you immediately moaned in surprise. You felt Adam freeze, and wondered if you’d messed up, but before you could open your eyes to check, he pressed you against the wall behind you and resumed kissing you with renewed fervour. You felt yourself returning the kiss, mirroring his movements, entirely caught up in him. His tongue ran across your lips and you parted them, allowing him to taste you as he deepened the kiss.
And you tasted him, his breath minty and overwhelmingly him, you felt drunk, dizzy. You moaned again, and he pulled away, still holding your face, “Sweetheart, you have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that.” He breathed, his pupils blown, face flushed. His gaze was intensely affectionate.
You had to catch your breath, “I didn’t think...I’m just a makeup artist, Adam, I-“
But he cut you off, shaking his head, “Don’t do that, how do you not realize how amazing you are, y/n? You take my breath away every time I see you, and it’s not just because you’re beautiful,” He punctuated his words with a peppering of kiss along your cheeks, “It’s how funny you are, how hardworking, your talent and vision, the way you take care of me and the others, how kind and sweet and goofy you are-I’ve been in love with you for a long time, for a million different reasons.”
Tears threatened at his words, and you had to work to blink them back, “I think I’m dreaming.” You breathed, feeling silly, but he grinned, and shook his head. You returned the smile, gazing up at Adam in wonder, before reaching up with both hands to caress his face, the gesture so much more intimate than it had been when you worked on his skin. His eyes closed briefly, but opened again when you spoke, “I love you too, you know, always have.”
In an instant, his lips were on yours again, this time the intensity was burning, smouldering. Entirely too much and yet no where near enough. You pushed your hands into his hair and he groaned against you, his hands gripping your face and it felt like you couldn’t get close enough to him. He dropped one hand to your waist, pulling your body flush to his, then slid his other into your hair. You weren’t sure how long you stayed like this, fully ablaze in each others arms, but you never wanted it to stop.
When you did break apart, breathless and flushed, Adam was the first to speak, his deep voice sending shivers down your spine, “Would you like to come over to my hotel?”
You nodded, still standing close against him, “I’d really love that.” And you leaned up, on your tip toes, to plant a chaste kiss on his nose, unable to stop smiling.
Adam hugged you close again, planting a few affectionate kisses to your cheeks and hair, before stepping back, watching you as you gathered your things quickly. He took your bag from you as you pulled off your apron and threw on your coat, and you followed him out, feeling giddy.
“We might have to end our bet, by the way.” Adam held open the passenger door for you, when you reached his car, and watched your confusion at his words.
“Why’s that?”
He leaned down, his eyes dark in a way that had you mesmerized, “You’re going to need a lot of caffeine when I’m done with you, sweetheart.” He murmured softly, his voice laced with cheek, and yet you shivered.
You met his gaze, grinning, while internally you had to remind yourself to breath.
Just breath.
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everandevermcre · 2 years
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⌠ madelyn cline. 24, pansexual, genderfluid, they/she. ⌡ wait a minute, is vienna wright still in town? i thought i saw a flash of (caffeine addiction, eye rolls, overthinking & overfeeling)! last i heard they were working as a(n) dancer nearby. when it’s the (virgo)’s birthday on 08/29 i forget that they’re anxious and celebrate that they’re confident. i hear older than i am by lennon stella every time i think of them. ⌿ @liminalintro​
»  the life story  «
being the oldest of three comes with certain responsibilities. when your mother is bipolar, it comes with even more. it comes with a child taking care of an adult. it comes with a child taking care of themselves. it comes with a child taking care of their siblings. 
in many ways vienna had to grow up all too fast. in other ways she hadn’t grown up at all, holding onto childish tendencies like some sort of revenge.
guilt for being harsh with her mother. guilt from not protecting her brother from finding her body. guilt that tells her it’s her fault harlowe wants nothing to do with them. guilt for trying to better everyone’s existence but her own.
ryan’s relationship with harlowe is complicated. it is laced with envy and protection. worry and rejection. love and hate. they are sisters and strangers alike. 
vienna will always hold onto her younger twin sister. she is the only person in the world who could possibly understand what they went through.
still, vienna holds harlowe at arms length out of resentment for leaving her in the worst state imaginable: alone. 
vienna’s relationship with her brother is different. despite an age gap of just a few years, she babies him, an attempt at satiating his inner demons, inviting them onto herself to save him, hoping that at least one of them could be saved.
»  vienna wright «
i guess yeah, you could say i grew up too fast. i don’t really regret it.
i’m the oldest. it goes me, my twin sister, and then my little brother.
we grew up well off, but i don’t know if it makes up for the absence of a mother.
dad is a professor of literature. 
even though i hate to admit any kind of similarity to him, i dove into literature, too. it was my escape growing up. it still is.
i couldn’t wait to get the hell out of high school. it was filled with a bunch of prissy girls that called you a prude if you’ve never done it and a slut if you had. i was just trying to get by unscathed with my free spirit in tact and i guess i kind of did that, but i can’t say i didn’t break any hearts in the process, including my own.
people tend to form attachments. i get that it’s just human nature, but i’m the opposite, probably because i don’t really like nature.
i tend not form attachments. or at least i try really hard to stay away from them. some days its easy, other days i’m lonely.
books have always kept me company. i guess it’s the reason i didn’t do so hot in school. i was always reading things that weren’t on the syllabus. always digging deeper into another universe like it could somehow help escape the one i’m in.
when my brain’s had enough escapism and alone time to revive itself from anxiety, i guess you could call me a spontaneous person. 
i like trying new things. adventure feels like freedom, food for my soul.
some say i got in with the wrong crowd. some say i was pregnant and had to drop out. i’ll tell you the real story about why i didn’t finish high school...
mom struggled. my junior year of high school is when she got really bad. she had a lot of trouble taking care of herself, which means there’s not really room for her to take care of me or my siblings.
so when a random girl in a club bathroom told me i was ‘ totally hot enough to make a lot of money in an unconventional way, ’ i didn’t question it.
i started taking the train into the city after school, wore less-than-appropriate lingerie with a masquerade mask, and moved my body in ways my mother never intended my dance lessons to be utilized.
this is how i took care of my family.
as soon as i could swing it, i got my ged and started working full time to take care of us. the second i got out of that house, that town, and found something that was all mine with no strings attached to my other life, i felt a type of freedom i knew i would chase forever, even if it is the same kind of freedom i resent my sister for taking when i needed her most.
i started dancing for a well known place called follement aimé, it means madly loved in french. poetic, right?
at work, i’m not vienna. thank god. it’s kind of a liability thing. i’ve heard some of the other performers say it’s stupid, but i personally appreciate the separation of church and state.
‘ that was stone cold, medusa, ’ one of the performers said to me after my first audition for follement aimé. it stuck in a way few things do. i became medusa and medusa became me. i’ve since branded myself with a snake tattoo on my lower back. so if i wasn’t a stone cold bitch before, i am now.
when people ask what i do for work, i tell them i’m a freelancer. i kind of got used to it and never changed my story. so for all intent and purposes, i’m a freelancer.
i visit my mom when i can and rid myself of any other attachments unless they’re in the fictional worlds that accompany my morning coffee.
as i’m sure you can guess, medusa doesn’t do attachments either, though people have bad habits of getting attached to us both.
i stopped showing my vienna self out in the real world for a long time out of fear of entanglements. even still, people, mostly men with big wallets and even bigger egos, tend to get attached to medusa upon meeting her. i don’t blame them. she’s cool. way cooler than me. sometimes they get even more hung up when they realize she doesn’t want them back. they think she can be bought, not realizing the only thing you can buy from me is my time, something i am more than happy to give away for the right price.
medusa’s occasional attachments are reserved for ravishing, feminine creatures,  goddesses that simply could not go left untouched (though i’m sexually fluid no matter what name i use when i introduce myself to you).
so yeah. that’s my story. it’s still being written and in a town that people visit to get off the grid, to compare to the stories they have read on the internet, no less.
»  the life story  «
iced coffee, hot tea. always caffeinated.
lights off. candles on. eyesight be damned.
her free time is spent smoking , reading , and writing.
she buries her natural maternal instincts, though they shine through even against better judgment.
rough around the edges. she’s saving what softness she has left for herself.
face of an angel, mouth of a sailor. a specific kind of shipwreck.
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angies-aesthetics · 3 years
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May I have a kin matchup please, Iam an autistic and infp girl, very introverted. I tend to be very sensitive to emotions both negative and positive. I stay away from confrontation, and stress. I tend to overthink and worry a lot that I said something to upset the other person, and will either apologize even tho it's unneeded, or leave the conversation till I calmed down, I deal with stress and anxiety. I don't like talking to strangers outside of the internet, but Iam the most loyal and protective friend you can ever wish for, I'll very in a stubborn way, motivate you to fight and be strong bc I believe in you, even tho I don't believe in myself. I love anime *really big into 90's anime for the art aesthetics*, horror films, sanrio, *my favorite characters are my melody, and Kuromi* History on true crime, rabbits, seals, wombats, and in general every cute animal, which I have a soft-spot for. I love sweets, salty food, not a big fan of bitter and spicey food, I have a caffeine addiction. I can be both stubborn, and blunt, yet also gullible and naive, tending to take everything at face value. I used to be more of a door-matt, but trying not to be, because of my tendacy to be very loyal, if I fall for someone romantically, I tend to be faithful to them no matter the gender, it's normally the person who leaves me bc of this. Sources: Danganronpa, Sailor Moon, Princess Tutu, my hero, sanrio, Underune, digimon, and pokemon please.
Hiya! Yep, not a problem!! Sorry this took me a minute to get to!!
From Danganronpa, I assign you Kaede Akamatsu from V3! She’s the protagonist and the Ultimate Pianist. Kaede is optimistic and kind; she’s a hard worker who makes sure to put others before herself without discrimination. She plays the type of a leader who ensures the safety and roles of others, but her main motivation is to get other people to smile and be comfortable around her!
From Sailor Moon, I assign you Sailor Mercury, also known as Ami Mizuno! Ami is intelligent and caring, but she is also insecure about herself at times. Because of her shy demeanor, she has trouble making friends, but once she’s comfortable around someone, she is described as kind, gentle, and very loyal! As most magical girls are, she cares greatly for her friends and humanity and wants to do her part to protect them!
From Princess Tutu, I assign you Ahiru, also known as Duck in the English dub! Duck is the protagonist of the story, she’s friendly, funny, and very kind-hearted. She’s also very scatter-brained and clumsy at times, but this only adds to her charm! She’s also a magical girl, so she cares greatly for those around her and wants to do her best to protect her friends, no matter the cost!
From Boku No Hero Academia, I assign you Ochako Uraraka! Uraraka is very laid back and calm; she’s considered one of the kindest members of her class! She’s considerate to others and their wants and desires, and tries to always see the best in other people. She’s incredibly empathetic and has a strong desire to uphold her duties as a hero, to support and help anyone who needs her. She can also be a bit goofy at times-- a bit airheaded-- but her outbursts of laughter always make others smile!
From Sanrio, I assign you My Melody! She’s kind, optimistic, calm, and a little blunt at times, but she’s very supportive of those around her!
From Undertale, I assign you Toriel! She’s extremely kind and supportive, as well as motherly, always wanting to put others wellbeing before her own. She has the ability to be blunt, but typically only when she’s wanting to protect someone for their own good.
From Deltarune, I assign you Ralsei! Ralsei is a kind-hearted being who is optimistic towards his friends and colleagues. He’s loyal to those that help him in his quests and does his best to keep everyone safe and on track!
From Digimon, I assign you Hikari Yagami, also known as Kari Kamiya! She’s Tai’s younger sister who shares his passion for digimon. She’s compassionate, caring, and a bit fiesty! She’s often worried about her older brother and wants to do her best to keep him safe-- as a bonus, she also loves sweet foods!
From Pokemon, I assign you Lillie from Sun and Moon. She’s incredibly sweet and supportive of her friends, but has gone through her share of hardships. She’s ambitious to overcome her fears and be the best person she can be! Lillie is incredibly intelligent and is very observant to little details.
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rinnnyxr · 3 years
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I’m happy I’m sad I’m motivated I’m unmotivated I’m sick I’m taken I have a crush I’m in love I’m single I’m brokenhearted
I want to sleep I want to study I want to go out I want to stay home I have school today I have work today
I’m afraid of spiders I’m afraid of being alone I’m afraid of snakes I’m afraid of flying I’m afraid of failure I’m afraid of clowns
I took chemistry classes in high school I took math classes in high school I took English classes in high school I took geography classes in high school I took biology classes in high school I had gym in high school I took art classes in high school I took science classes in high school I took history classes in high school I took physics classes in high school I was in the theatre after school program in high school I had some sort of music classes in high school I had some sort of dance classes in high school
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Bold the things you’ve never done.
I’ve never gone to Disney World. I’ve never been out of my home country. I’ve never kissed a stranger on the lips. I’ve never read a book over eight hundred pages. I’ve never painted a picture on a canvas. I’ve never sang in front of a large crowd by myself.
I’ve never had braces. I’ve never learned French. I’ve never had a fight with my dad. I’ve never updated my status through my phone. I’ve never used Nair. I’ve never cut my wrists. I’ve never wanted plastic surgery. I’ve never drank organic regular milk. I’ve never learned Chinese. I’ve never blew up a balloon. I’ve never changed a baby’s diaper. I’ve never lost my phone for good. I’ve never lost a friend through death. I’ve never met one of my grandparents. I’ve never met someone with my exact name. I’ve never dated someone with red hair. I’ve never put on eyeliner for myself. I’ve never took a dance class. I’ve never tried weed. I’ve never tried drugs. I’ve never cooked dinner for my family. I’ve never had anything besides my ears pierced. I’ve never had a tattoo. I’ve never went to the beach to tan. I’ve never kissed anyone on the lips that was younger than me. I’ve never dumped someone. I’ve never stepped in something nasty barefooted. I’ve never cheated on someone. I’ve never waxed anything on my body. I’ve never dyed my whole head a different color. I’ve never kissed anyone who was above the age of seventeen. I’ve never kissed in the rain. I’ve never gone a day without laughing. I’ve never got held back a grade. I’ve never stolen anything over twenty dollars.
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Aries
Waiting until the last minute TL;DR (too long, didn’t read) Angry crying 4 am seamless Big flirt Hot yoga “Why are you so upset? I’m over it now” No filter Cutting in line at the store Skipping to the “good part” Ignoring the speed limit Tinder Shoplifting Exclamation points!!! Bad tattoos Caffeine addiction Toned AF Muay Thai “Don’t touch me” Breaking a bone Spelling errors Picking fights for no reason Lowkey really sensitive Skipping breakfast 7/24
Taurus Falling asleep on the subway Going barefoot Using hands as utensils Calling in sick Materialism Tree climbing Cuddling Controlling the aux Great British baking show “I deserve to treat myself” Aesthetics Spending the whole day in bed Anything that says “natural” on it Long-term relationships Expensive sheets Picnics in the park Essential oils Sex as exercise Tender Wearing the same outfit 3 days in a row Says a controversial opinion and then “I’m not going to argue” Calm, cool, and collected Silk everything 5 meals a day 7/24
Gemini Giving unqualified advice 50 different tangents “Prove it” Playing Devil’s advocate Can’t keep a secret Scamming Carrying a book around Arguing for fun Always knowing the latest gossip Adderall Spilling guts to the Uber driver Rationalizing emotions Lying to be more interesting Most active in the group chat Anxiety Telling the same story 10 times to perfect it Philosophy 1000 ideas per minute Sardonic sense of humor Full of interesting facts 23 best friends Internet memes Forgot how to cry Living a double life 4/24
Cancer Screenshots Same friends since high school Sleeps with a stuffed animal Vintage clothes Cries when yelled at Going home early Nesting Holding grudges Mood swings Drinking tea Supporting others’ chaos Social anxiety HGTV Super protective of loved ones Accidental emotional manipulation Cooking for friends Likes animals more than humans Meeting someone and immediately planning their whole lives together Empathizing with film protagonists Vivid childhood memories “Mi casa es tu casa” Serial monogamist Good emotional memory Big hugs 8/24
Leo Mid-day outfit changes Giving out compliments Taking an hour to get ready Accidentally flirting Making friends in the Uber pool Using a window as a mirror Passionate emotional outbursts Lowkey insecure Creating drama to avoid boredom Opening up after just meeting someone Going to the spa Needing to make opinions known Large but fragile ego Wanting recognition for your generosity Making a scene Pretending life is reality TV Giving really subjective advice Overdressed for the function Creative genius Social media as therapy Trying something and being instantly good at it Can’t take a joke Self-care Urge to stand out 7/24
Virgo Over-analyzing friendships Fact check Knowing a little about everything Helping people get their shit together Very specific tastes Fixing it or making it 10x worse Personal projects Health routines Pretending to have your shit together Repeating a task over and over until it’s perfect On good terms with your trash exes Stretching self too thin Stuck in negative thought cycles Noticing little things no one else notices Needs to quit like 3 things Nitpicking Self-sacrificing Hyperfocus Reading 3 books at once “Sorry for the late reply” Functioning on 3 hours of sleep Can’t turn brain off Neurotic Putting yourself last 17/24
Libra Fomo (fear of missing out) Saying yes to every opportunity A little bit of suck up Fear of being alone Flirting with everyone but your crush Tossing a coin to make big decisions Easily influenced Art films Strong sense of right and wrong Torn between being social and having much needed alone time New crush every day Going to museums Overthinking romantic relationships Truly admiring all your friends Adopting others’ hobbies and mannerisms Overdraft fees Showing up late or not showing up at all Avoiding conflicts at all costs Talking about past romances on the first date Gossipy but with good intentions Panicking when someone raises their voice Trying to see both sides Unable to end a bad relationship Pretending to hate drama 9/24
Scorpio Resting bitch face Keeping the right amount of secrets Has a “hit” list (either meaning) Needing to have control in relationships Knowing what you want and exactly how to get it Disappearing at parties Morbid thoughts Believes in “energy” Attractive Staring from across the room Stalking crush’s social media Fascination with cults Still in an emo phase Breaking hearts but sad about it Trust issues All black Existential angst Silently walking away from uninteresting conversations Chaotic emotions behind a calm mask Craving emotional intensity “What am I gonna gain from it?” Seeming intimidating, actually really sensitive Friendships of utility Loves crime 12/24
Sagittarius Losing interest and quitting anything that doesn’t come easily Giving opinions without being asked No inside voice Arguing as foreplay Backpacking trips Talking over people Stating opinions as facts Corny jokes Took one philosophy class and is basically Nietzsche now Always having the last word Using big words to sound smart Speaking more than one language Fueled by laughter Calling friends on their BS Asking for advice and then not taking it Needing to change activities every 30 minutes Telling it like it is Correcting people Unwaveringly optimistic Laugh can be heard from across the room Talking about a book after only reading the Wikipedia synopsis Learning a lot from travel Periodically getting rid of all your belongings Pulling out a party trick 9/24
Capricorn Fear of not living up to potential Overcommitting Anything ‘rustic’ Favorite song is the NPR jingle Has real, tangible goals Repressing trauma Always on time Slow and steady Minding your own business Prefers on one hangs to group hangs Work/life balance Putting more money into savings than you take out Acting 20 years older than you actually are Is prepared for the worst-case scenario Never asking for help Reading for fun Is actually normcore Taking care of business Taking things seriously Motivated by stress Minimalism Hanging out with the same 3 people Bashful around crush Holding friends to high standards 9/24
Aquarius Lowkey superstitious Obscure music David Lynch Weird makeup Self-given haircuts Bad at flirting Feeling like an alien Reding conspiracy theories on the internet Estranged from emotions Experimental poetry Martyr complex Being called a free spirit Abstract concepts Making plans and canceling them Intellectual superiority A little arrogant Loves an underdog Using a thesaurus Activism Fuck the rules Intentionally provocative Highly ethical Queer theory Niche knowledge base 1/24
Pisces Head in the clouds Misplacing keys Unofficially moving in with friends Easily overwhelmed Empathizing with plants Existential crisis #3 Really long showers Leaving clothes in a pile on the ground Using fantasies as an escape Romantic drama Need for constant validation Acts either 7 or 70 Incredibly active imagination Cripplingly self-aware Over-apologizing In love with 10 people at once Binge drinking Giving good advice but can’t apply it to yourself Secretly writes poetry Crying in the bathroom at work Can’t take criticism Mind reading #NoBoundaries Saying something deep out of nowhere 12/24
I am most like a Virgo (my actual sign)
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You have an ex You don’t wear glasses You have blue/gray/green eyes
You’re pretty tall
You can drive a manual transmission car
You know how to change the oil
You know all about cars
You have a serious passion for photography
You’ve known your best friend since middle school You’re close friends with someone since elementary school You prefer Quiznos over Subway
You’re in a relationship You’ve had a rebound before You’ve been in a relationship for five years
You’ve cheated before
You’ve dated someone who was Asian You’ve dated someone who was Hispanic
You’ve dated someone of your own ethnicity You like to sleep a lot You were born in winter Your birthday is in February
You’re the oldest in your family
You have a younger sister You have a cat You don’t have step-parents You often work the night shifts at your job
You can play the drums
You know a lot about flowers
You’re allergic to shellfish
You like garlic You like a lot of cheese
You get real Christmas trees
You’ve been in a car accident before You’ve snuck people over to your house You’re part Hawaiian
You’re a Pisces
You have no tattoos You have no piercings You have brown hair You have a Steam account You don’t have a Twitter
You’re hardly on any networking sites
You have an XBox360 You don’t like Playstation products very much
You have relatives in Alaska and/or Hawaii
You have a Toshiba laptop
You love German Shepherds You love Welsh Corgis You are Republican
You are Methodist
Your room is rarely ever clean
You’ve drunk dialed someone
A nasty rumor has been spread about you You’re in college One of your parents was at one point enlisted in the military
You are close with your family You like paintballing
You don’t smoke You don’t do drugs
You have a habit of keeping things you borrowed longer than expected
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tipsycad147 · 3 years
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Of Rest + Worth: Skullcap Plant Profile
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September 30, 2020  /  Alexis J. Cunningfolk
The two nervines - those plants that help bring the nervous system into balance - that I use the most are Milky Oat (Avena Sativa) and Skullcap (Scutellaria lateriflora). Nervines are an essential part of my practice both in my home and in my wider community. In traditional western herbalism they are some of the most accessible and first learned plants that we encounter as students because caring for our nervous system and its vast network of experience and function is foundational to a body as whole and holy philosophy of practice.
Skullcap is always a close friend of mine and a beloved teacher, but I have found myself turning towards them with greater frequency in the past few years and especially since we all began grappling with our most recent global pandemic. They are a generous teacher and are a powerful ally in some of our most modern maladies, so I hope that the following profile on their healing gifts be a source of inspiration to you.
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Skullcap
(Scutellaria lateriflora)
Folk Names : Mad dog weed, madweed, Quaker’s hat or bonnet, blue pimpernel, helmet flower Planet : Moon, Saturn, Mercury, Neptune, Pluto Element : Water, Air Moon Phase : Dark Moon, Full Moon Zodiac Signs : Gemini, Virgo Parts used : Leaf and flower Habitat : Native to North America and Eurasia. Growing conditions : Full sun with plenty of space and not overly rich soil. Collection : Summer, before flowering. Flavour : Bitter Temperature : Cold Moisture : Dry Tissue State : Tense/Restriction, Hot/Excitation Constituents : B vitamins, calcium, potassium, flavonoids, tannin, scutellonin, stearic acid, linoleic acid, oleic acid.
Actions : Anodyne, antibacterial, antispasmodic, astringent, anxiolytic, bitter, brain tonic, cardiotonic, diuretic, febrifuge, vasodilator, hypotensive, nervine, sedative, spinal cord tonic.
Main uses : A powerful and deeply loved nervine within traditional western herbalism, Skullcap restores strength to an overwhelmed nervous system and accompanying symptoms of muscle spasms and nerve pain all while cultivating calm. For nervousness, fear, and a sense of being overwhelmed, Skullcap stimulates the brain to produce more endorphins in the system due to the presence of scutellarin in the plant which becomes scutellarein in the body. The herb is one of my favorite brain tonics as it not only helps us to develop our pathways of mental clarity, but acts deeply on the nervous system to bring about a sense of wellness and peace. In the USA we live in a culture that glorifies overwork (more on that in a minute) and being productive so Skullcap, with its message of balance and developing awareness between what we're thinking and what we're feeling, is an herb that I turn to often in my practice.
Skullcap is an excellent ally for those who suffer from insomnia, especially when there is difficulty shutting off the busy chatter of a restless mind - Skullcap helps promote healthy sleep patterns. Herbalist Thomas Bartram notes that Skullcap is a wonderful nervine "for workaholics compelled to work long hours with resulting mental exhaustion" and I can attest to this again and again not only for myself but for many folks that I work with. (1) The wisdom of Skullcap is that as a teacher they help us to reassess what pressures are appropriate and inappropriate in our work life, helping us to return not only to a state of mental peace but dignity in work as well.
(Am I suggesting that Skullcap is an anti-capitalist ally? Yes, yes I am.)
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The herb can be used for a variety of nervous conditions and imbalances stemming from hyperactivity including ADHD, anxiety, hypertension, nervous exhaustion, hysteria, neuralgia, premenstrual tension, and the effects of withdrawal from caffeine. In general, Skullcap is a gentle ally for supporting folks grappling with addiction withdrawal as well as withdrawal symptoms from tranquilizers and antidepressants. In my experience Skullcap is also an excellent ally to turn to for social media, gaming, and the new forms of online addiction that have emerged in our modern culture. The herb can also be used in general recovery from colds and influenza as well as prolonged periods of stress.
I use it for cases of fear, including nightmares, and the herb has a balancing effect on energy and emotions, helping both pass unhindered and appropriately through the body. Indicators for Skullcap include the collapse of the ability to hide nervous tension - folks are just not able to keep from the world their fears and anxieties which only makes them more fearful and anxious. Skullcap folk have a particular gift for embodying their thoughts, dreams, and possibilities but that means they can get caught up in the abstract and struggle with being in their bodies. Daily small doses of the herb over many months can be a helpful reset and support a return to embodiment.
Skullcap can also be used in recovery from too much sun exposure, for indigestion with the presence of gas such as in the case of a nervous stomach, for headaches and dizziness, for fevers and colds. Irritability is a big indicator for the use of Skullcap as the plant helps us to release the build-up of frustration. There are not many traditional topical uses for Skullcap that I've come across but I do add the herb to anxiety and stress alleviating bath blends.
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Magickal uses : Skullcap is an herb of oaths and binding contracts from business agreements to romantic unions. The herb is worn by lovers to ensure fidelity. Just as the herb is used to calm nervous conditions in the body, Skullcap can be used in rituals and spells for promoting peace and calm. During trancework, journeying, and astral projection, Skullcap helps keep the spirit secured to the body so that it is able to find its way back after the journey. The herb can also be used to help people ground in any situation, but especially post-meditation or after waking up from an intense dream or nightmare. Skullcap has an affinity for the Autumn Equinox, helping us transition from the bright half of the year to the dark half.
The Skullcap Personality : The Skullcap personality is easy to spot – they are intense, their muscles tense, and they are prone to overthinking. Often, their brow is furrowed, even when they are young children, intensely occupied in thought and their inner worlds. Energetic and quick, they can appear restless or overactive, which they sometimes are, but for Skullcap folk they are purposefully busy and often happily, if very quickly, engaged with whatever project or imaginative game they are pursuing. These are kids who enjoy problem solving in their play - whether puzzles or saving the galaxy from certain doom - but if they do tend towards more nervous energy and fears even if they appear brave and confident in their play and relationships. Skullcap folks can have a hard time feeling present in their bodies and can experience moments of disorientation whether dizzy spells or struggling to find their physical edges. They have to be very careful about frequent burnout and making sure that they take regular time off from their intense periods of thinking and doing The great gift of Skullcap folk is that they have an incredible capacity to remain focused on the theoretical, impossible, and seemingly unattainable, bringing all into the range of accessibility for themselves and their community. Skullcap helps them to access the balance necessary to help save the galaxy and also get enough rest.
Contraindications : Contraindicated during pregnancy. Dosage : 3 – 10 drops up to 3 times daily of a 1:5 alcohol extract. 1 teaspoon of herb per cup of water. Small doses are quite effective and recommended with Skullcap.
Recipe : My Favorite Tea for Easy Evenings + Self-Care
(1) Thomas Bartram, Bartram's Encyclopedia of Herbal Medicine (London: Constable & Robinson Ltd, 1998), 394.
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I’ve written about Skullcap a lot so it was about time that I shared a full profile on them. They are featured on my list of herbs and essences for empaths and highly sensitive folks and are definitely one of my favorite eclipse season herbs.
If you’re looking for more plant profiles, come this way. May your the path with the plants be a verdant, wild, and illuminating one full of viriditas.
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http://www.wortsandcunning.com/blog/skullcap-plant-profile
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wildpokemon · 5 years
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Get to know me
Thanks for tagging me @botherkupo​ (also i’m lolling, I just realized that I didn’t actually know your name and finding out that we have the same name is like weirdly surreal?)
Name: Kim
Age: 24, I turn 25 in a little less than a month
Favorite Colors: I’m really into soft pinks. When I was a kid I wholeheartedly rejected anything pink because I thought associating myself with “girly” things was bad 🙄. But I find it really soothing now lol
When you made this account: I’ve only had this one since October (I think) of last year. But I’ve been on tumblr on my “main” account since like 2012. I made this account totally separate when I started getting into Avatar mostly cause some people from real life follow me on my other blog and I didn’t really wanna explain to people who I haven’t talked to in years why all of a sudden all I talk about is a kids show lol
Follower Count: 70. Idk why but something about talking about follower counts on tumblr feels dirty. I’m super grateful to everyone who follows me though! Thanks for listening whenever I actually say stuff lmao
Super power: I have a pretty good memory for trivia type stuff. I can usually guess what year a movie came out pretty accurately, and one time I remembered my moms wifi password (one of those long string of just numbers and letters) after not having been to her house for a year. My teachers in school always said my brain was like a sponge, but mostly I think I just overthink everything 🤷🏼‍♀️
Favorite Drink: I don’t drink, but I’m unfortunately addicted to caffeine. I absolutely love Coke, and I get hazelnut flavored milk tea like once a week (not a huge fan of boba though)
A song you love right now: Recently I’ve been going through my old itunes library from high school, and I’ve fallen back in love with White Blank Page by Mumford and Sons
Dream Career: I’d love to be a published author, but I’ve got a lot of practicing and confidence building to do to get there lol
Dream Vacation: Mmm this is tough. I love to travel but there isn’t anywhere specific I’m dying to go right now, my boyfriend and I have talked about going to New York, London or Tokyo for one of our next hypothetical trips though!
Hogwarts House: Pottermore always puts me in either Ravenclaw or Gryffindor, but I think I lean a lot more toward Ravenclaw
Favorite Character this Week: Appa. My best friend drew me a picture of me and my boyfriend riding on Appa as an Christmas present and I finally hung it up on my wall, and it just makes me smile to look up from my laptop and see him
Christmas or Halloween: Halloween I think. I love the whole month of October leading up to it, I love all the decorations and just the official fall feeling. I don’t really dress up anymore though and I wish I did lol
Anyone feel free to do this! I like reading stuff like this! I’m going to tag @atlalovingfuck, @ka-tara, and @priincess-peach, but definitely no pressure!!
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withlovecyrine · 5 years
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Lately
It was on my to-do list last Sunday to write another Sunday Currently post as part of my resurrect-this-blog plan. BUT, something happened (which is too personal for me to share on this space) around the time I was about to make a draft for my planned post and I went like, “nah, I’m not gonna do it anymore.” and ended up binge-watching The Big Bang Theory season 2. I thought of doing it the following Sunday but, I must have fueled my brain with too much caffeine at work that the thought of posting an update won’t stop harassing me the very moment I got home tonight. AND, here we are — my 4AM alarm just went off yet I still don’t wanna stop typing. Haha!
When I said on this post that I’m going to bring this blog to life (after being quiet for a couple of months), I meant posting stuff in this space daily — photos, videos, stuff that I can’t share on Facebook. But life-outside-the-internet a.k.a the real world got in the way — job, social life (char! busy daw sya o?), overthinking, battling anxiety with God every single day. Whew! Exhausting! Soooooo this post is my attempt to give you an update of how plain lately my already-mundane life is. In bullet format.
I FINALLY finished the book The Virgin Suicides by Jeffrey Eugenides and now I’m on page 160+ on It’s Kind of a Funny Story by Ned Vizzini.
I’m on season 3 of The Big Bang Theory. I know, I know… I still have like 9 seasons to go.
A friend of mine was so generous and gave me his extra VIP pass to Big Bad Wolf book sale. I brought home 8 books and I’ll prolly go back and buy some more (wow, ikay rich inday??) anytime this week. I’ll post photos of them books soon when I’m done plastic covering them each.
Still addicted to coffee. Yeah.
Had a short vacay at Bantayan Island with friends, which was also my first time to be on that beautiful place. We got into an accident but nobody died and got back to the mainland with complete body parts so it’s all good.
The ascend to KANDUNGAW PEAK almost made me cough my lungs out.
I just learned that my crushie has a girlfriend. Bummer. But did the news break my heart? Nah. It’s just a happy crush. Imma move on and leave him alone. Hahaha!
The day before I flew to Manila (July 30) was the last time Turtle and I talked and we haven’t talked since. Maybe he’s too busy with work and personal stuff… I just don’t wanna bother him.
It’s 10 mins before 5 AM and I think I should go to bed. *awkward silence*
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