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#by audrey
eddiediazsource · 2 hours
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9-1-1 | 6x07 ↳Cursed
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alexisrosedaily · 2 months
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Alexis Rose in Schitt's Creek Girl's Night | 4x04
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cbsghostsdaily · 1 month
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Hetty "comforting"  |  The Owl  ↳requested by @imdefyingmavity
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wandanet · 1 year
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Breaking the 4th wall.
ELIZABETH OLSEN as WANDA MAXIMOFF in DOCTOR STRANGE IN THE MULTIVERSE OF MADNESS
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tvdversegifs · 1 year
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KATHERINE PIERCE in The Vampire Diaries S2EP7 "Masquerade"
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fyeahtv · 1 year
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BELLA RAMSAY as ELLIE WILLIAMS in THE LAST OF US Episode 2 | Infected
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anything, for me.
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2023 is almost finished, and it feels like this year was the first chapter of my life. All the unknown emotions that came crashing onto my self that I could not have expected.
These days, some truth was revealed to my conscious being. I am dissociating emotions from the touch, as a sense. When people touch me, I feel almost nothing. I've been doing that for more than two decades now, out of protection and survival.
It is so fucking confusing.
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After a decade out of deeming myself worthy of being called sensitive and wise, now, after seeing people as they are, embracing life like a bloody seer, now I have to realize that I do not know what to feel when people touch me.
Platonically or sexually. I don't know what I should feel. Like, what do I even like? I kept myself safely hidden, at some reasonable distance from everyone. But Gods, do I love, do I care, do I feel everything. But not through anyone's touch.
To unthread this thread is so weird. What is tenderness and desire in a touch? Disgust, fear and love? I'm not a hugger, except when my friends are drunks.
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When I was doing therapy (EMDR, that shit is extraordinary), this question came up. Why can't I feel when people are touching me? It's always so cold, like medical. And that is alright, I guess as until now, it was. Now I'm wondering why.
So, we dove into my past. The violence my body went through. Even as I'm writing this, I can still hear my voice pleading, "You were not raped, you were not beaten!" and that is true. But to move on from this void, I will need to accept that violence is still violence, even more in the name of Science.
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Their hands choking my throat while they applied plaster on my body, tears in my eyes, I couldn't breath. The way their shear cut the skin of my back deeply instead of the plaster. The blood, and vomit, everywhere. When I begged to have anesthetic before they cut my skins for exams, but told me "no" because it would disturb the results (fuck the results).
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I was two, four, nine, fifteen... I was a good soldier, still am by the way. I took these blows because no one told me it wasn't okay. I only knew this, and still found within my youngest self the light which made me magical.
Consent.
The way some people grab me, to show their power over me, it is probably the thing that I went through that disgusts me the most. He kisses me, caresses me, as if it was friendly and consented. It is not because you disrespected me, and that I said NO. For that, there will be no excuse, never a fucking single one. I scream inside like a wounded animal at that thought.
Once, a physical therapist told me to bend on my knees to show her my back. I complied, because she's an adult, right. I was seven. Then she raised my tee shirt and then, lots of hands touched me without asking me, the skin of my back. I remember the strokes and the humiliation. I didn't know who they were, didn't see their faces, but to this day, I still wonder, why?
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This is a beginning. I'm headed in the direction of the answers I'm seeking. I dissociated to not feel these strangers, and my own revulsion.
Also, eerily, it fits the imagery I created much later, of my own mythology. I'm a sculpture people touch and seek answers from. Leaving me with nothing but my own questions.
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If my soul chose that path, that life, then why does it feel like as if I'm forever stuck between feeling like a burden and my inner god's complex? I love romance but not the pathetic thoughts that echo confusion. I deserve(d) so much better.
I wish to live a touch that feels reciprocated and not forced. I wish to not want to control everything in order to feel safe. I wish that I went through all my life did not damage my vision of myself, as a woman. I wish that my teenage self realized that she could trust others. Yes, pushing people away is easier, even when you're constantly smiling, but there's more. I know that now. I wish that I will come to become tender without fearing rejection, someday.
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Thank you. 2024, here you are. Show the way. I will lead, obviously.
-Audrey
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teleportzz · 5 months
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"bluntly honest" autism but in the sense that i absolutely cannot refrain from complimenting strangers if i like their earrings or their shirt or i think they have a friendly-sounding laugh or i think their art is beautiful or i think the fic they wrote portrays the characters so well. "bluntly honest" doesn't have to mean "mean". i love to tell people things that are kind and also true.
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simplyjustagirlsblog · 5 months
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i love laura palmer
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lunamonchtuna · 7 months
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— Audrey Niffenegger, from ‘The Time Traveller's Wife’ (via lunamonchtuna)
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itberice · 9 months
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Wtf?!???!
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eddiediazsource · 8 days
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9-1-1 | 4x06 ↳Jinx
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alexisrosedaily · 3 days
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Schitt’s Creek 6x01 | Smoke Signals
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cbsghostsdaily · 2 months
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Jay Arondekar in Season 3 promo
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wandanet · 1 year
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What happens now?
Return to Kamar-Taj and prepare to hand over America Chavez by sundown. Peacefully. After that... you'll never see me again.
And if we don't?
Then it won't be Wanda who comes for her. It will be the Scarlet Witch.
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tvdversegifs · 1 year
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NINA DOBREV as ELENA GILBERT in THE VAMPIRE DIARIES S1EP19 - Miss Mystic Falls
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