#butt of a dude roast

[luckydxy]

What if Ara bought the haunted house in Anvil & sold it for profit after killing the lich dude in the basement.

#;;ooc #;;tbd #that quest is hysterical... #Lorgren : fOOLISH CHILD !! BY RETURNING MY HAND YOU'VE AWAKENED ME!!! #ara - eating a peach & looking around the obvious alter room - : well duh.. how else am i supposed to kick your butt? come here lich boy. #can't rent out a house with an annoying dude who won't stay completely dead down in the basement now can she? :/ #ara : nice mancave tho. digging the blood on the walls. very original. #imagine being a skeleton man & you think you've tricked a kid into raising you into proper lichdom . & she just. starts roasting you. #unphased. bored even. she's already seen a dozen more fucked up things than you in the last 48 hours alone.

[ncityavenue]

You smack their ass ft DREAM + Sungtaro

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MARK

"Hahaha! Dude, I mean babe! Dude why would you do that?!"

Thinks it's so funny that he tells everyone about it

Is genuinely tickled by it

But when yall are alone, no more smiley tickled mark– HE'S COMING FOR DAT ASS take that as you please

RENJUN

"Do you wanna die?" Is the first thing that comes out of his mouth.

He literally runs after you until he catches you and will smack you ass back but ten times harder

Is your booty okay?😧 (take that as you please)

It will be war.

You didn't know cute little renjun had that in him but all you know is that your ass is sore and you'll never slap his butt unannounced again.

JENO

Looks at you like (.◜◡◝)

Because he knows if he retaliates that you will be crying fr fr, FYI he doesn't know his strength

Instead he just asks you with his deep voice, "why now?"

Thinks it's cute honestly but he'll slap your ass back just for a lesson

Don't let your butt jiggle either, IF HE SEES THAT IT DOES HE WILL BE DOING IT AGAIN AND YOU WILL BE RUNNING FOR YOUR LIFE😭

HAECHAN

Straight up moans and tells you to do it again

Becomes even more clingy with you afterwards

He hugs you tightly and is like "AIIIIGOOOO"

He starts slapping your butt as well but lightly

Idk y but he's genuinely happy that you did that?😭😭

JAEMIN

*Wingles eyebrows in jaemin*

"Sexyyyyy~"

You think he forgets that you did that but like 20 minutes later when the room is silent he slaps your ass so hard that it echoed

Btw yall are in the dance room so it echoes loud and all the members look at you dying from pain and pleasure

He looks at you like your crazy and says "what happened?"

Just know Jaemin is sneaky with his ass slaps.

CHENLE

Screams. Straight up screams.

"What are you talking about?!" Even though you said nothing?

Bites you. Yes bites you. Where? Anywhere that is the closest to him.

He doesn't slap your ass back he just sits there as if he just didn't just bite you.

You don't do it again because you're scared what he'll do next

JISUNG

Feels betrayed and looks at you as if you committed a crime.

You were laughing at first but now you feel really bad

You hug him and apologize to him but then you feel a giant hand swiftly come down on your butt.

You're really surprised because jisung doesn't even like saying the word boobs he says chest instead but this man just slapped your ass so now you're conflicted.

"JISUNG!"

"YOU DID IT FIRST."

Then you realize since he's always around boys that he need to defend himself to all the time this is nothing more than defense and not him ruining his innocence.

SHOTARO

*giggles* BECAUSE THATS ALL HE DOES😭😭

Would actually move on as if nothing happened

"Why'd you do that?" *in giggles*

You actually never do that again because he's so "uwu" that you refrain from doing it💀

SUNGCHAN

How did you even reach his ass? He's too tall.

He doesn't feel it though, because since he's so tall it felt like a breeze passing by

"Was that you?" *speaking from the clouds*

"Yeah?"

HELP😭😭 ALL JOKES INSIDE THO

He looks back at you and says "what are you trying to slap? There's nothing there" (lowkey roasted him a bit but we still love sungchan okay)

You start backing up bc you think he's gonna smack your ass back but he doesn't, all he does is kiss your forehead...

*SMACK!*

You feel like you just got the whoopin' of your life.

"Love youuu" *goes back to dancing with taro as taro giggles*

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I really do not know what this is, all ik is that I'm tryna post.

ALSO, IM SO EXCITED FOR HALLOWEEN IDK Y and kinktober

ANYWAYS BYE BESTIE BOOS 🤗❤

#nct #nct dream #nct drabbles #lee jeno #huang renjun #na jaemin #zhong chenle #park jisung #lee haechan #mark lee #sungchan #shotaro #nct scenarios

[warringwarrioridiot]

"They was asking for it"

YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT YOU'RE ASKING FOR?? A BIG FAT BASEBALL BAT TO THE BACK OF THE SKULL AT FULL SPEED MAX ISTG

Mfs like this need to take a long walk off of a short cliff cus if I EVER catch them I'm gonna commit some good old fashion homicide.

If you say things like "You should've enjoyed it" or "at least you got some" I'm tracking your IP and shoving ten cacti in your anal hole and/or vagina.

"game is game 🤪"

You need to shut your ketchup stain, Junkrat main, micro brain, aluminium chain, ankle sprain, CHOCOLATE RAIIIIN, with your runny nose dirty toes lick hobos cOwAbUnGa BrOs, Dude, I want you to look at your entire life. All your life choices. And tell me when you had an original idea in your brain. Your ass got kicked out and disowned and you started aggressively tapping the home button on your IPhone "Oh, help. Why is it not working?". YOUR ENTIRE EXISTENCE IS LIKE A NARUTO FILLER EPISODE, MY BOY! YOUR PRANKS ARE AS REPETITIVE AS THE AD "Whopper, Whopper, Whopper, Whopper" YOUR BRAIN IS JUST AS REAL AS THE LOVE YOUR PARENTS HAVE FOR YOU! YOUR GRANDMA GAVE BLING BLING BOY A LAP DANCE FOR PAY DAY. Wait hold on! *Punch punch punch* GIVE ME THE MONEY YOUR GRANDMA! I JUST ROBBED YOUR GRANDMA! I JUST HIT A LICK ON YOUR GRANDMA, HOW DOES THAT FEEL?! SHE POOR AS HELL NOW! YOU PUT A BALLOON ON YOUR HEAD AND THOUGHT IT WAS A DURAG! YOU LIKE RONALD MCDONALD FROM OHIO! "HEYA KID! YOU WANT A BIG MAC?!" WHEN YOU WALK DOWNSTAIRS YOUR WHOLE HOUSE STARTS RUMBLING! YOU BRING THE POWER OF EREN YEAGER AND 37 COLOSSAL TITANS DOWN YOUR STAIRCASE! AFTER YOU EAT DINNER YOU EAT THE PLATE AND THEN YOU EAT THE TABLE AS WELL! CHOMP CHOMP! YOU RENT OUT THE GAP BETWEEN YOU TEETH AS A PARKING SPACE FOR ANTS! YOU LOOK EMO ASF "CUT MY LIFE INTO PIECES! THIS IS MY LAST RESORT! SUFFOCATION! NO BREATHING!" LOOK AT YOUR NOSE YOU HAVE TWO MARIO PIPES COMING OUT OF YOUR HEAD! YAHOO! LET'S A GO! THEY MADE A SEQUEL TO FINDING NEMO BASED OFF YOUR ASS CALLED "LOCATING CHROMOSOMES! IN THEATRES THIS JULY!" YOUR BEST FRIEND IS A RAT LIVING UNDER YOUR BED IN A PRINGLES CAN! YOU POSTED AN INSTAGRAM STORY ABOUT A JAMAICAN CRICKET GIVING YOU A LAP DANCE IN THE BACK OF TOYS R US! YOU TORTURED AN ANT BY TYING HIM TO YOUR BUTTHOLE AND FARTING ON HIM! I HAVE MORE ROASTS YOU KNOW! YOUR GRANDMA IS A DARK SOULS BOSS CALLED "THE WRINKLE!

EW NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO THERE IS NO WAY! THAT THIS... OLD ASS FART WRINKLE IS TALKING TO ME IN SUCH A DISRESPECTFUL MANNER. YOU KNOW IT'S ACTUALLY KINDA SAD YOU'RE OLD ENOUGH TO BE A GRANDPA NOW BUT INSTEAD OF ADVANCING YOUR BIOLOGICAL CHAIN YOU'VE INSTEAD SPENT YOUR DAYS ALONE IN YOUR ROOM READING HITLER MANIFESTOS AND COSPLAYING AS A FUCKIN' NEO NAZI. SO MANY YEARS AND SUCH LITTLE ADVANCEMENT. No seriously! Seriously I find it amusing THAT YOUR PENCIL PENIS DONKEY KONG BARREL BUILT LOOKIN' ASS WOULD ASSUME THAT I EVEN REMOTELY CARE ABOUT A SINGLE ONE. NO NO NO FUCK THAT. A SINGLE SYLLABLE OF THE VERBAL DIARRHEA GARGLE THAT'S COMING OUT OF THE DUSTY SARLAC PIT YOU CONSIDER TO BE YOUR FUCKING MOUTH! YOU WANT ME TO SHOW YOU MY FACE?? YOU WANNA SEE MY FUCKIN' FACE??? BITCH SHOW ME YOUR FUCKIN' HAIRLINE CAUSE I KNOW THERE'S NO WAY YOU'RE SPEAKING TO ME RIGHT NOW DRESSED UP AS A GOD DAMN DIABOLICAL BOY SCOUT. NAH LOOK AT THEM TEETH. BOY YOUR TEETH IN CREATIVE MODE. HELL NAH BOY STOP PLAYING YOU TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT. BRO THEY GOT FOSSIL RECORDS FOR EACH ONE OF YOUR FAT ROLLS. NAH STOP PLAYING WITH ME BOY I CAN'T TAKE YO ASS SERIOUSLY WHEN YOU DRESS UP LIKE A GODDAMN MEDIEVAL TERRORIST. BRO IS ABOUT TO SHOOT UP HIS OLD FOLKS HOME WITH A CROSSBOW AND A FUCKING TREBUCHET. YA YEET DOM DOM DOM DOM DOM DOM! SHUT YO UGLY ASS UP. WHAT THE FUCK? A HE AHHH EEEEE SHUT UP BITCH. YOU WANT ME TO TURN ON MY CAMERA? YO DICK BUILT LIKE A INVERTED BANANA. YO FOREHEAD CRACKED UP LIKE THE AFRICAN SAVANNAH. I CAUGHT YOU AND YO SISTER BUTT NAKED LAST NIGHT. SWEET HOME ALABAMA. FUCK YOU THINK THIS IS? WHAT IS YOU WEARING WITH YO GODDAMN HONEY WHERE IS MY SUPER SUIT? NAH BOY LOOK AT YO ROOM, YO HOUSE DIRTY AS HELL. YOU GOT FOUR SEWER RATS IN YO BATH TUB RIGHT NOW FLOATING ON TOP OF A PIZZA BOX SINGING. "YO HO THIEVES AND BEGGARS". LIKE SHIT, BOY I CAUGHT YOU HAVING AN EMOTIONAL CONVERSATION WITH YO TOE NAIL LAST NIGHT. WE COULD'VE BEEN SUPER STARS REMEMBER WHEN WE AS JACKING CARS. YOU AND YO TOE NAIL WAS GOING TO BE THE DYNAMIC DUO. BITCH YOU WAS GONNA BE IN AMERICA'S GOT TALENT SWINGING THAT SHIT AROUND LIKE A FUCKING BOOMERANG. SHUT YO STUPID ASS UP. BRUH I CAUGHT YOU JACK SPARROW RUNNING AROUND YOUR HOUSE WHILE YOUR DAD WAS TRYING TO BEAT YOU WITH A TOILET PLUNGER LAST NIGHT. COME HERE BOY! SHUT YO ASS UP. BITCH EVERYTIME YOU TAKE A SHIT THE GAME OF THRONES THEME SONG STARTS PLAMMERING IN YO HOUSE.BUM BUA BUM BUDUM BUM. SHUT YO UGLY ASS UP BRUH.

Are you getting mad?

Are you getting mad?

DAMN You getting mad now! Cuz yo Legal name is Ledenhouser Strogenberg. Nah don't be Smiling now boy You ain't slick Boy! I caught you in the locker room after gym class Frantically wiping yo armpits down With a kleenex While tryna smell good For the girls In the hallway. OI ZOINKS! I GOTTA- I GOTTA HURRY UP. SHUT YO ASS UP YOU LIKE A DIABETIC TOASTER STRUDEL. YOU UGLY AHH AS HELL. YOU GOT THEM BIG ASS HUMPTY DUMPTY PANTS ON BRUH. YOU USE A FRUIT ROLL UP AS A BELT TO HOLD UP YO BUNG DU BUNGLA. Shut yo ugly Ass up You got Mineral deposits In your Belly button. You dumb As hell You thought Google drive Was a brand new Taxi service. Bitch yo Grandma Threw a Rage spell On the kitchen floor And started Smacking you with A weiner schnitzel. Shut yo ass up You a Diabolical Special needs Student. Boy you was In the back of a Short bus Maniacally Planning How you was gonna Take over Your school.HMMMMM YEAHHHHHHHHHH It will be MINE! Shut yo Ass up, Boy I caught you Butt Naked Playing gorilla tag With a mouse in your Kitchen. Yo ass Be sliding around The counters Like a paraplegic Frozone. Gotta Catch 'em ALL! Shut yo ass up With yo "I got a feeling Ooooooooo!" Everytime yo Grandpa Tickles yo Butthole. Shut yo Stupid ass up You thought the One chip challenge Was sticking a Hot cheeto Up your buttcrack. Ok! Here we go Everybody! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Shut yo Dirty ass up Get yo ass on bruh.

It's actually so fucking sad these people still exist in 2024.

Istg misogynists and forced birth extremists and rapists are the most atrociously ugliest love-lacking idiots.

Image ref:

I rest my fucking case, your honor. Kill every single one of these people before I do it myself.

#feminism #warringwarrioridiot #misogynistic people are dumb asf #kill all rapists #end rape #thank you #i rest my case

[yuu-wants-a-nap]

Seeing Neige for the first time (and immediately roasting him)

Yuu: Dude looks like it's physically impossible for him to swear. Yuu: Like a kindergarten that thinks butt is a swear word. Yuu: is he wearing the same thing he wore as a toddler but bigger? Yuu: Puberty is gonna ruin his career

#twisted wonderland #twst yuu #twst mc #neige leblanche

[doomatnight]

Saphron really likes dark-skinned girls, it is one of the reasons she married Terra. So when she sees Emerald and her bubble butt it doesn't take long for her to seduce the girl and dominate her in bed along with Terra.

SURPRISE EPILOGUE

part 5/4 cause fuck it dude

Content: Threesome, Swinger AU, Strap Ons

Saphron had a type and it was as obvious to see as the sun. Darker skinned girls who were dominant just hit that sweet spot for her.

So imagine her surprise when she came home to her wife Terra and a friend of her brother’s, Emerald, standing there in leather with strap ons.

The next thing Saphron knew she was on all fours being split roasted by Terra and Emerald, her mouth filled by her wife’s strap as the family friend fucked her pussy hard.

She was in total bliss and started to understand why Jaune loved swinging so much.

Saphron was happy to be a good girl for Emerald and Terra, such a good fuck pet.

#lwde #rwby smut #rwby nsft #rwby lemon #nsft / #doomlewd.txt #emerald sustrai #terra cotta arc #saphron cotta arc

[bulletproofbanditsorbust]

Bulletproof Bandits, chapter 2

Feb. 8th, 2023

Characters: oc!Russell Davon, oc!Dylan Harley

Word count: 2173 

Warnings: smut towards the end

Summary: russell and dylan just got out of a sticky situation by the skin of their teeth, but now it's time to report to Robin. how will it go?

A/N: hey so i deleted the original post and i lost the caption i left here like a dumbass but who cares, nobody reads these anyway

Dylan was wrapping up Russell's wounds, while smoking a cigarette.

"Can I have a drag?" Russell asked.

Without saying anything or stopping what he was doing, his friend offered him the joint.

"Thanks." Russell breathed smoke that filled the air of Dylan's room.

"You're so stupid…"

"I beg your pardon?"

"You're so stupid", Dylan repeated. "Everything went to shit when we separated. You know what happens when we split up! Have you ever watched a horror movie?"

"It's not that we split up, I lost sight of you!" Russell retorted. "I turned around for one second and you were gone!"

"I was trying to- ugh, whatever. I don't really care. What matters is that I found you just in time." Dylan pulled out another cigarette from the packet and lit it up. "Besides, how's your stomach doing?"

"Not great, my dude." Russell had his palm pressed against it, which made his hand all sticky with congealed blood.

"Hmm. Lemme take a look." Dylan delicately moved Russell's hand aside. A small, black hole about three centimeters above Russell's bellybutton with red stains around it was presented in front of him. He breathed in through his teeth. "Yikes. That's bad." He commented. "But since it's you, it's gonna be healed in… I'd say… a week and a half?"

"Oh, good." Said Russell. "And what am I supposed to do until then?"

Dylan shrugged. "I dunno. Jerk off."

"Hah, good thing they didn't take out my good arm then."

They both laughed.

"C'mon, stand up." Dylan prompted while picking up another roll of bandages. Russell obeyed.

Russell's body was slim, but muscular. His pale skin was decorated with freckles all over, like tiny specks of glitter. Dylan couldn't help but think that he would've loved to kiss Russell's little blemishes. Every single one. Just like the sun kissed his skin.

Dylan sighed. Unfortunately he didn't have the time to fantasize over that, because he had a job to do.

Ten minutes and two other cigarettes later, everything was done.

"There we go. You're as good as new!" Exclaimed Dylan, admiring his work.

Russell stretched his back. "Thanks, dude."

"No problem. I am your personal nurse at this point." Dylan threw away the cigarette butt out of the window, then picked up the two bullets that were left on the desk. "Guess we don't need these anymore-"

"Oh, no no, keep the bullets!" Interrupted the redhead.

"Huh? Are you starting a new collection?"

"Uh… yeah, maybe."

Dylan was perplexed, but gave the bullets to Russell anyway. "Russ, you're a weird dude, y'know?"

His friend smiled. "That's why you like me!"

Dylan laughed. If only you knew. "Yeah!" He gave Russell a pat on the back.

"Anyway, I think you should wait until the heat on you goes off before you head home. Wanna crash here tonight?"

"Absolutely!" Responded Russell, without hesitation. "What's for dinner?"

"Uh… Roasted roaches I think."

Russell shrugged. "I've eaten worse."

That night, Russell slept unpleasantly. He would always toss and turn around on the bed, and when he finally caught some sleep, the visions would plague him.

Russell was in what seemed like an empty lab. Lights out. Running for his life. Someone - or something - was chasing him, emitting horrible guttural sounds. For the first time in his life, Russell was scared.

The full moon casted its light through the large windows. The boy looked behind him. He couldn't make out what was there, just a big shadow of what he thought was a disfigured man, with jaws of darkness.

A roar. Russell picked up the pace, desperate to find a way out of that maze.

He turned left, in a long corridor, then right, then left again. An emergency door in front of him.

Out of breath, Russell frantically tried to push the door.

It wouldn't budge.

Shit.

The steps and screams grew closer.

Shit.

The creature appeared at the end of the hallway.

Shit!

The monster charged at Russell, who was completely still, squashed against the door.

Their eyes met.

The mutant snapped open its fauces.

A scream.

Russell woke up in a pool of sweat, hyperventilating. Tears of terror were escaping the corners of his eyes.

"Oh, fuck…" The boy got up and rubbed his temple, wondering if he screamed in real life too. Judging by Dylan sleeping soundly by his side, the answer was no. Then again, Dylan could sleep even if there were cannons going off right by his ear.

"Dylan?"

Snoring.

"Dylan!"

Still no response.

Russell sighed, as he left the bed to go home.

Later that night, Russell was climbing into his hideout. A modest shack, built over some rubbles, with a sea view.

When the boy opened the door, he was surprised by a cat’s meow.

“Oh, you’re still here, Mr. Whiskers! I thought you were long gone!” Russell kneeled to pet Mr. Whiskers, a gray striped cat, who responded by purring. “Lemme get you something to eat.”

The redhead then started rummaging through cupboards. “A-Ha! Tuna and peas. Not bad for a midnight snack.” He then proceeded to empty the cat food can on a filthy plate. The cat promptly jumped on the table and started meowing insistently. “Hold on, hold on, lil’ guy, we’re gonna have to share.” Russell split the slop onto another plate and gave it to Mr. Whiskers, who gladly accepted the offer.

“Mmh, pretty good!” The boy commented with his mouth full.

Russell finished his meal in a few forkfuls. “Well, I’m off to bed, lil’ guy, see you tomorrow!” He said, while caressing the animal who was still in the middle of eating.

That night, in fact, Russell did not sleep. He wouldn’t admit it, but he was scared to have another nightmare. He stayed up writing in his diary, listening to records and smoking on the roof. If he had night terrors while sleeping with his best friend beside him, he couldn’t imagine what his mind could invent to torture him while he was alone.

The sun rose once again over Rhinestone City.

At dawn, Russell was directed to Robin’s hideaway: an old, decrepit cathedral not too far from his house. The boy was excited: the thing inside his motorbike’s luggage rack could’ve been worth millions and a blowjob for all he knew, and he liked his odds.

“And you are…?” asked the slender guy at the refuge’s gates.

“C’mon, you know me, Peanut. I’ve been working for Robin for years now!” Protested Russell.

“That’s Miss Robin to you!” Peanut pointed an accusatory finger at Russell’s chest.

“Hey, you two!” A voice came from inside the cathedral. “What’s goin’ on?” A big man with an eye patch came out.

“Oh, Brute! Can you please tell your friend here that I have something very important to deliver to your boss?”

“Hey, Russell! Come in, Come in! Ignore Peanut, he gots the brain worms!” Brute pointed at his own head and rotated the finger. He gave Russell a pat on his back. “My sister is waiting for you…”

Finally, Russell walked in.

“You’re late.”

Robin was sitting on an upholstered chair, dressed in latex and fur. Her long legs, fit in a pair of thigh-high boots, were crossed over. Her waist-length pink hair styled in a braid. Her voice, clear and deep, echoed throughout the structure.

“I apologize, Miss. Things got… heated and in the way. It won't happen again.” Russell had a way with words, when he wanted.

“Mmh-hmm” Robin took a sip of her red wine. “It’ll be better for you. Now, give me the package.” She beckoned with her hand.

Russell punctually walked through the central nave of the church. He looked around: the stained glass windows always fascinated him. The pack was small but quite heavy, so he had to carry it with two hands. He couldn’t wait to get it off him: the injured shoulder was starting to hurt.

“Here you are, Miss.” Russell extended his arms to Robin, who slowly collected the parcel. She opened the wrapping with a decorated letter opener.

“Oh yes… You’re finally mine.” She sighed. “Do you want to see?” The woman invited the boy with a gesture of her hand.

“Uh, sure.” The redhead went behind her shoulder, to take a look. “Oh, wow.” He was left breathless: it was the most beautiful knife he’d ever seen. About twelve inches long, iridescent blade, with a dragon engraved on the handle, nestled with little jewels. Russell instinctively reached out with his hand.

Robin stopped him. “Don’t touch it or I’ll kill you with it.”

Russell grinned. “It would be an honor, Miss.”

She looked at him in the yellow eyes, caressing his chin. “Hm, you’re such an asslicker, Russell.”

A shiver went down the boy’s spine as Robin pronounced his name.

“So, uh… About that promise…”

“Of course, my dear.” The woman smiled. "Billy, Brute, stay on guard. Russell and I… have to discuss important affairs."

Before he knew it, Russell was on a filthy mattress in the back of the chapel, half naked making out with the woman of his dreams.

Robin was a lady who didn’t waste any time: not even after five minutes, she jumped on top of Russell, reached down the boy’s pants and started to jerk him off; gently, at first, then with a more consistent rhythm.

Russell moaned in pleasure as he bit her neck. Her hand went faster.

“You like that, bitch boy?” Robin whispered in his ear. “You want to cum for me?”

“Uh-huh...” Is all what he managed to say.

Robin was going so fast on Russell her hand was a blur. Russell was a moaning and twitching mess. He was almost there.

But at the very last instant, Robin let go.

The sensation that Russell felt at that moment surely wasn’t what he expected. The heat building up in his crotch, ready to spill out, just… didn’t come, leaving a stinging sensation of disappointment. He wasn’t sure if he completely disliked it, though.

Without letting him catch a breather, Robin shoved Russell’s face between her legs. He immediately started licking and sucking furiously, like a dog in heat.

“Oh, yes, yes… Good boy!” Robin grabbed the boy’s hair, who proceeded to whimper and go faster in his task.

In between pants and moans, Russell grabbed her thigh with one hand, and placed two fingers inside her with the other. This will make her go mad! He thought, while concentrating his tongue on her clitoris, tracing small circles. He felt the grip on his hair getting stronger: he was doing a good job.

Convulsions, heavy breathing, yelps of pleasure: it went on for almost twenty minutes. Russell was afraid that his jaw would fall out, but it was worth it. He could’ve gone on another hour if he wanted.

Finally, Robin’s insides felt tighter around Russell’s soaking wet fingers. She almost crushed his head in between her thighs from the orgasm. Again, for Russell, it would’ve been worth it.

Russell pulled out his fingers and licked all her juices. A good boy always cleans up after himself.

With one last sigh, Robin let go of his hair. Russell climbed Robin’s body, kissing her until he met her lips with his.

"So… what's my next mission?" Russell wanted to know, while he tied his leather pants.

Robin was adjusting her fur coat. "Oh, I got a big one for you, this time. You're going to Liberty City."

"Liberty City?! Isn't it where all those rich, spoiled freaks are?"

"Yes, but I have a nice ring there. The knife you delivered me today came from the city too, before those bastards snatched it away from me."

"But how am I gonna make it? The place is filled with pigs armed to the ass!"

"I believe you are very resourceful, Russell. You'll figure it out. It's better if you get backup, though."

"What's in it for me?"

"Fame. Glory. Half a million gold pieces. Anything you want."

"Can I have the dragon knife?"

"No."

"Oh."

Robin unlocked the door. "You have until the day after tomorrow to figure out a plan. "

"The day after tomorrow? But I'm a wreck! I got shot twice! I need to wait to heal before going!" Russell complained.

The woman hesitated. "Fine, but wait no further than your healing time. The money for the knife will be delivered with the same method. In the dumpster, this evening."

"Roger that."

They walked to the altar together.

Robin pulled out a small box from a chest and handed it to the boy. "Here. Protect this with your life."

Russell accepted the new package, nodding.

Back home, Russell put the object of his new mission on the wardrobe. He sat down at the foot of the bed, pondering it while lighting up a cigarette.

He couldn't help but wonder. What's inside the box, and why is it so important?

#bulletproof bandits #if i happen to post this twice thats just your immagination i didnt do that. shut up thats why #a.

[chiptrillino]

Okay, if you think Jee is superstitious and judgy once you get to know him, what do you think he's like when he's DRUNK? He's a sailor so his tolerance must be crazy high, but is he a sassy drunk? A bar brawling drunk? A weirdly nice and affectionate drunk?

TW: mention of alcohol or getting drunk

apart of being a sailor he is a FIREBENDING SAILOR. basically it takes him more to get drunk for him. i think (headcanon?) but he does get drunk! i think he is more acting on his impulsive thoughts drunk. like he gets a new tattoo, that one dude that pissed him off all night deserves jee's fist in his face. (which... also gets him also a new tattoo kind of)

if he is out with crew they place a dare on him and he acts on it.

i think he earns most of his drinks by playing some music. there is a pippa in h bars sometimes. he grabs it stimms it begins to play. sailor songs and dirty songs and some made out of the spot. depends how many drinks he gets.

idk... full out bar brawls depend on if one of his crew is misbehaving or being threatend. (yes even including the royal bratty shoutyness)

i do think some of the crew thought once to take zuko out and get him drunk. you know maybe he shouts less? could be funny? (i admit they don't have the nicest intentions...i don't think everyone on zukos ship was nice. some were, others are in the gray aeria. but i think some were awful and had to be sorted out first) but jee put his foot down like "no what the fuck i hate this shouty brat too but he is a kid!!!" zuko is compleatly safe but i think it would be funny if jee drinks the crew that was in on this under the table (with thanks of subtle bending) and makes them clean the deck and the hull with small brushes the next morning while they struggle with a hangover. (zuko non the wiser but for once confused quiet letting jee handle it. iroh argreeing with that punishment.)

i don't think jee is much of a flirt. if he gets hitted on he would fluster. its amusing to watch! this big muscly guy visibly shuddering and kind of stoic shy. not used to flirting a bit akward. bt he has sill gets his nights out. and a happy whisteling walk to the ship with a skip in his step the next morning. jee may or may not once wasn't allowed back on board because the royal brat had no clue about hickeys and confused them with septabox. iroh: you know prince zuko... when a man finds a lovely person and they spend the night- (surviving getting 'the talk' by the dragon of the west is a special kind of bonding expirence, jee and zuko quietly agree on to never bring up again)

but hey in the off chance jee gets hungover and they are in the middle of the ocean. you get to observe jee, after port leave, butt naked laid out on the hot metal cooking his headache out. it is a compleatly normal view. you hear a *ding* and the lieutenant flips over for evenly gold brown roasting.

#tw: alcohol #tw: alchohol mention #chip!ask #atla #jee #lieutenant jee #listen i may already... had thoughts aobut this... #idk nights out sound fun hahah #just silly stuff happening #and akward mornings #i do think fire nation has no problem with nuditiy though. at least commoners #fight me on that! #jee suns when he has the oportunity!

[newtsnaturethings]

heya! Got any cool and interesting facts about Indigo buntings? Love those little dudes

Oooh yes! They are indeed some funky little dudes.

I’ve only seen them a few times (when I did spot them I initially thought they were a weird color morph of scrub jays oops 😅) and they are a truly striking bird.

I think my favorite thing about the indigo bunting is that the males will defend their breeding territories with song. When it’s time for the birds to mate in the spring, the males set up their turf and defend it by belting their bird tunes to the other males in the area. It’s like the bird equivalent of a roast battle. I love it. I want to know how the birds roast each other. Learn some new insults along the way.

Other random things I like about them in no particular order:

They’re a migratory species. I have mad respect for any species that can manage a migration. That shits cool as heck.

They do a little butt waggle if you disturb them.

Their feathers have no blue pigment, despite the birds themselves appearing blue

Thanks for the ask 🦎

#newts asks #indigo bunting

[ladylooch]

lucie and connor’s wedding would be so adorable, nico is wrangling the newly running around baby girl in the front row, she’s always busy these days.

connor cries so hard

Connor is crying when he wakes up that morning. It only gets worse as the day goes on.The boys are roasting him. He doesn't care. He's marrying Lucie Hischier in 2 hours and 47 minutes.

When he sees Nico and Lucie at the end of the aisle, he's bending over at the knees, hands in a triangle around his nose.

"Dude, how do you have tears left?" Lio, his best man, is laughing, handing over the pack of tissues from his pocket.

"She... wow." Connor can't speak.

Nico thinks this is exactly what his daughter deserves, but damn does it ache when she pulls away from their hug to stand with Connor.

As for Con and Lu's daughter, at first, Nico is like hahaha pay back is a bitch, Lu.

But then it becomes his problem during the ceremony. He can't hold the little cabbage patch for longer than 30 seconds without her screaming. She's pushing off Nico's chest, butt going into the air as she wiggles. Lexi attempts to wrangle her too, but their daughter just wants to be with Connor.

"Come here baby." Connor eventually pauses the ceremony, scooping her up just before she toddles over in the grass.

Connor says his vows to Lucie, tears running down his cheeks, holding the baby she gave to them.

Lucie can't wait for the officiant. She kisses him right then and there, breaking all the rules because he's worth it.

#Lio & Lucie

[macaroni-rascal]

Okay, here comes the ice dance roast.

I'm calling this first team Olivia and a Half, because dude is barely there. I liked her previous costume too but she's also a smokeshow in this one. I'm convinced they're putting her in distracting costumes so we won't be looking at Tim, who desperately needs to discover that there's an audience there that he should be projecting to. Good outing, but it made me miss Adrian.

I'd give anything for Katerina's skirt lengths not to give me anxiety for one (1) season, and now she's added a long ponytail as well - why does she hate me so? These costumes are giving 2000s more than 80s. They desperately need our mother hen Madison Hubbell to take them under her wing, these unpointed toe kicks are not it.

Why are the Browns skating in what are essentially practice outfits to the famously flamboyant Elton John? Give these talented children funding! Otherwise they slayed, which is why I'm annoyed at the packaging. Best sibling team here, I said what I said.

HanYe with the costumes of the event and possibly the field. Only guy with an actual outfit. I wish her sleeves were attached to the bodice more in the front, we don't need armpit cleavage, but other than that, best dressed. Levels were oof. IAM needs to leave their teams with Paul Mac over the summer to learn how to execute their turns, they've got pretty much everything else figured out.

Holly and Jason looking hot af. I prefer her golden butt to Olivia's in the free. His corset-y mesh top - cunty af. Her bodysuit seems very intricate up close, but I wish that same level of attention went into getting their levels.

Taschlers look okay for a European team and the costumes are accurate for the music choice, but why oh why is the cutout on the side of his stomach round instead of matching her pointed one? Love their attack and unison but wish them better programs moving forward.

I actually like this French team this season and I hate that for me. His boatneck I'll allow because he isn't a broad boye but I'm not quite sure what his top has to do with the 80s. Her outfit is cute but I wish she'd move on from the Slutskaya cut and the henna dyejob to a more contemporary pixie or bob or something, they need to look more polished because they are indeed very trained and technically strong.

Marjo and Zak - my loves. The only ones I genuinely care about, not gonna lie. Seemingly the only team that read the ISU Communication on the theme this year. Fantastic campy costumes, killer performance ability, couldn't take my eyes off them. Noticed in the warmup that the costume designer shaded his butt crack as well and for that, that mofo need Jesus. They need to sort their levels situation out because they're the stars of the discipline, really, but we're not allowed to talk about that just yet (🤫).

Now for the crime of the night - the grand larceny that was Green/Parsons' score. They were the strongest team here across the board, they're the most complete all around, and I was fuming when I saw 4th. They def need to rework the cut but I like this better than the Paula, it suits them, the costumes weren't revolutionary but they both looked fine af. I know he's old enough to be her great uncle but at the same time I don't want them with lesser partners. The judges went out of their fucking way to prevent last year's situation when H/B (let's be honest) obliterated C/B. Maybe if G/Pa weren't coached by human silver medal and Canadian trophy husband Charlie Allen White, they wouldn't be in this mess.

And now for the grand finale - I'm dispatching a firing squad for the tech panel because are you seriously telling me that this team that graduated with honors from the Diana Davis School of Edgework is best-in-class??? And I can see what she was trying to do with the dress but she didn't quite nail it, the front is awkward, the mid-buttcheek zipper-like split in the back is a choice, and the skirt flaps around awkwardly. Meanwhile, Evan's outfit is just low-effort and perfunctory. They should've just put him in a white tank top and lightwash jeans to highlight his white basicness, since he wears her like a jacket for most of their programs anyway, it would've been apropos. They were out-skated but most of the teams here, they had no energy, speed, power or ice coverage, and to top it all off, they were on the edge of disaster in the lift again, and that was the only edge they were on the entire program. They deserve a surprise P/C comeback at this point, I can't take this anymore.

A masterpiece of a roast.

Anon, I want you to know I got three OTHER anons that were excited to hear about your fashion opinions.

Olivia and a Half is beyond correct, I can forget he's there if I squint, and I enjoy the program so much more. I honestly don't think the Browns have ever had a good costume, and that's a damn shame. If Paul MacIntosh cam to IAM, I would cheer for years, they really need a kick in the ass in terms of tech, and quickly. Holly looks so good in that gold outfit, it's wILD. French team I can't even get into, they are never not So Deeply French Looking. You are spot on with G/Pa, they do not deserve to be sitting in 5th right now. I also can't even get into C/B, cause it's just Too Much at the moment when I'm trying to switch into women mode for the short program that starts in 5 minutes.

Anon, you're a damn icon.

#konner talks skating #fashionista nonny

[pinkiepiebones]

Prompts! So I just spent 5 hours floating down a river with my friends. Just this for a long time. A day of water, weed, and hitting our butts on rocks

How would robbie boy feel about a day on the water? Alternatively, since it's American Explosives And BBQ Day, how would he enjoy a nice sunny day at the park grillin with some friends?

Oh that sounds heavenly. I could use some water and weed rn tbh

I think he'd prefer a park to a river, for one. While not oceans, rivers are still moving bodies of water, and he's had a hell of a time on bodies of water (the Vesta, of course, and then later, passage across the Atlantic...)

Robbie would get sunburned no matter the precautions he took. Part of it is just him being an unfortunate white guy, but also, the dude spent a long time in the shadows. A few coats of paint and an Old Navy wardrobe isn't going to fix decades of vitamin D deficiency. ☹️

BUT!! He'd have fun! Hanging out? With friends? Maybe someone from DRAAG is hosting a little get-together! And Oh man, there's ducks at the park! Robbie's always been good with animals, I think. If someone brings their dog, Robbie's made a new best friend. He's not saying he learned to talk to animals, goodness no. But, well. He gets the general gist of what some of them are saying.

Fireworks are fun. Robbie's worried the noise might set off some, um, unpleasant memories (let's just say, not all of his "meal acquisitions" went smoothly. There's a reason he learned how to undo handcuffs...), but it's all good fun. He can't remember the last time he's genuinely enjoyed the night. The beers lose their chill pretty fast in the New Orleans summer, but they're still just cool enough to take the sting out of a sunburn if Robbie holds a can against his bare shoulder. Someone attempts to roast marshmallows over the grill and Robbie makes his first-ever s'more. It's charred and there's too much chocolate, but it's absolutely perfect.

[riacte]

Anatomy of a typical False-Ren team MCC:

Rendog mic problems

They somehow end up standing next to each other when talking to their chats unmuted

Ren looks down for 2 secs and False immediately comments that he “looks sad” (Ren’s probably doing the zoom in into his face for his viewers or singing Bohemian Rhapsody)

Light conversation about the weather, food, drinks (just British things)

“We did practice… a bit 👉👈”

Casual remark about how they one time they really practiced was “with HBomb” (aka MCC9)

False goes around roasting / commenting on skins

Ren, about anything: It’s cute, but it’s wrong!!

They meet up with the rest of the team, then Ren usually sets some goal of “let’s have have fun, my dudes!” and “#NotLast”

There’s a 50/50 chance that when confronted with game selection, Ren will go “well last time Falsie and I did….” (He usually uses experience from last MCC and quite often it’s a MCC with False until now lol)

“Let’s get Parkour Tag out of the way”

False always gets buggy in PkT / HulkSymmetry moment

Ren, literally after every single game: Now that one of our weakest games are out of the way—

Rendog HITW rage keyboard smashing

False makes a noise of despair at TGTTOS

Obligatory Fruityloops mention at TGTTOS

Actually they mention Fruit and H like seven times each throughout the entire MCC. And the other S tiers that they’re friends.

Blue9 reference

Declaring war on the other hermit team but can and will throw for them

Bantering during Ace Race / being super gleeful when they pass by each other

False after every game: I messed up :( if only the bug wasn’t there and I didn’t miss that jump—

Ren trying to boost morale constantly

Break time!

They either get really excited about the new MCC lobby decorations or go into serious, in-depth, thoughtful discussions of PkT / PkW and the competitiveness of MCC

Or False finds somewhere cool to chill and Ren goes “:D where are you?” and she goes “>.> how DARE you follow me??”

Or Ren accidentally unmutes for the entire break and none of the team members know how to cut in when Ren’s thanking bits and donos

In which False is just gonna let Ren unintentionally entertain her chat while she leaves for a bit lol

False roasts Ren but also gets 😠🥺 when he jumps in lava and dies in Battle Box

It’s extremely funny how every time False reminds Ren of an enemy about to catch him, he pauses and subsequently gets killed. Like no Ren, just run.

False girlbossing the team in Sky Battle while Ren fumbles with the spawn iron blocks

We do not talk about modern SG (Lime14 flashbacks)

At this point everyone’s a bit tired and they don’t talk as much, but Ren occasionally brings up False so she has to butt in to correct him

Ren gets the order terribly wrong in Build Mart but the extra blocks he got are somehow useful bc of Rendog Plot Armour

SoT goes something like this:

Ren: [minding his own business as sandkeeper, oblivious]

False, rushing towards mid with sand: RererereREN—

Thinking about the time False died and Ren didn’t know how to revive her and she was literally like “you dummy!!!”

For some reason cranberry / prune juice is brought up as a passing remark

Ren Dodgebolt commentary and False’s like “yeah I don’t even need to say anything”

False makes one (1) sassy remark about the state of MCC Reddit

“Well my dudes, I had a lot of fun this time!” <- Ren every time

False goes down to the winner’s hall and stands between her two wins proudly

The fans are happy :)

#mcc #ria.txt #ueueueueueueueueu #mcc really brought this duo to mainstream attention

[grahoriasfancave]

Just finished Chapter 1 of The Quarry, here's my thoughts on the characters so far

Prologue

Laura: the reckless one who goes "let's go into the creepy abandoned house, don't be a wimp" and then gets killed, methinks. But I don't think she's dead yet?? Max: the malewife to Laura's gaslight gatekeep girlboss. Feels like the kinda guy to unashamedly watch sappy movies while crying and eating tubs of chocolate ice cream when sad. He's the Hannah Washington of the game. Cop Dude: creeeepyyyy. Either the motel's a trap or he knew exactly what was going on when Laura "tricked" him.

Chapter 1

Jacob: himbo with fratboy energy, has definitely won a game of gay chicken despite being straight. He needs to learn that no means no, but in a big-dog-that-thinks-he's-still-a-puppy kind of way. Kaitlyn: QUEEN. Takes no shit, will still be the designated driver of the group and provide emotional support on a bad day. Not mom material, but would make one heckuva cool aunt. Dylan: the token ADHD-coded snarker. Smells fruity, and I'm not talking about his little sister's shampoo that he uses bc he refuses to admit he packed it by mistake. Lowkey craves validation and uses humour to both acquire it and play it off as a joke. Nick: awkward softboi. Probably gonna fulfil the Final Girl/Main Character trope. I can see him fending off beasties with a hatchet or crowbar or something. But will he get the girl? (absolutely not) Abigail: sweetheart who needs protecting. A closeted lesbian who panicked and told Emma she had a crush on Nick when pressed, because he was the first guy that came to mind. She carries around one of those travel hand sanitizers that smells like cookies. Emma: sassy wine aunt vibes. Took both ballet and martial arts from an early age and half wants some creep to catcall her so she can kick his butt. Feels like she could go from bestie to poisoned dagger at the drop of a hat, but in a "I will roast you to your face and it will hurt" way, not a backstabbing way. Ryan: everyone thinks he's a brooding loner, but it's really the autism. 100% had to grow up too fast and is habitually the responsible one. His love language is quality time. Mr. Hackett: needs to CHILL. Explain your involvement with the local creature attacks a little please, sir. Other than that, the dadliest of dads.

#the quarry #laura kearney #max brinly #jacob custos #kaitlyn ka #dylan lenivy #nick furcillo #abigail blyg #emma mountebank #ryan erzahler #chris hackett #will update once i've finished the gameplay

[blackbutlerfandomnerddomain]

Sorry another for the au thing but this time with the male masters please. I loved how Cruella had to double take though 🤣

Cruella:

Jafar: He finds it annoying. I have to be honest, the man would get annoyed by a lot of things. But that's not saying he hates it, no no, he actually finds it entertaining how much Farja and Nadia are similar and like with both would like to watch them be free and dance with the flowers

Hades: Hades gives me chill dad vibes and considering I love the headcanons of him one day meeting Idia and Ortho, gamer Cece is a favorite. He probably wouldn't get it but he would love watching her play and get into the idea of "I must destroy my enemies for they stole my rubies"

Scar: Kind of likes Zuri. She's basically Pretty Scar but less hyper and loud and fights more. But, and he won't admit it, he prefers Pretty Scar a bit since Zuri would most likely beg for cacti in his den-

Captain Hook: Since I headcanon him and Lady Hook getting along so well he would love Jane to itty bitty bits. She's like Lady Hook so there's no issue! And she pranks Dante with Vera?? Dude loves it. He hangs out with her along side Lady Hook and might drop hints to the two straight get off their butts and look at the cute ass girl who's fawning over them-

Frollo: Yeesh. . . Like I said, I'll try not to roast Frollo too much, Hunchback is a favorite Disney movie for me and Frollo is an amazing villain. But I just don't see him enjoying Vera much. She's a prouder version of Veil and while Veil and her bond he just doesn't. He's old fashion and clouded with proud judgement he would not be into it. And Vera's brother wouldn't tickle his fancy either. I like to see once he leaves the room Jane and her dad would slowly raise a middle finger in his direction and goofy grins of rebellion on their faces

#disney villain recruiters #disney villains #jafar #hades #claude frollo #judge frollo #scar #captain hook

[hornystorage]

Puffs

[Originally posted by rubberpupthoughts. Re-posted for archival purposes.]

Steven woke up warm and fuzzy, a feeling that he had learned to associate with great embarrassment.

He pulled down the waistband of his pants. Underneath, he wore a diaper with a star and spaceship pattern. The diaper was fully wet. He checked his bed, but found no signs of leaks. This time.

Steven pulled up his pants and tiptoed across the room.

“Someone need a change?” Steven’s roommate asked from his bed.

Steven groaned. “I should have never pranked you guys.”

Last month Steven’s fraternity went on a camping trip. Just a freshman, Steven thought he would prank his brothers before they got him first. That turned out to be a mistake.

Steven had packed a box of special marshmallows for the trip. The package read “Puffs” and held big doughy mallows of various colors.

He handed them out to his brothers, who scarfed them down without even bothering to roast them.

Moments later, the boys learned the marshmallows were magic.

One brother jumped in surprise. One after another, the boys felt around their crotches and butts.

“What the?” one said.

A few were bold enough to look down their pants. That’s when the cursing began.

“Is that a diaper!”

“Fuck! You too?”

The normally macho jocks spent the next hour pulling at the diapers that has mysteriously poofed around their butts. Nothing worked. Knives, scissors, even fire.

Steven had practiced hiding his grin, but it was much harder than he thought. No one knew he brought the mallows, so if he played it cool…

“Uh, guys?” Steven read the back of the package in mock surprise. “It says they won’t come off until you ‘need a change.’ And then only someone without a diaper can take it off.”

Steven enjoyed the show his brothers put on for the rest of the night. After another hour of embarrassment, his brothers finally gave in to drinking and having fun. Their beer-filled bladders soaked up their diapers by the end of the night. That’s when panic set in.

“Dude, I’m starting to leak,” on guy said. “Who can let us out?”

Steven beamed. “I didn’t eat a marshmallow. Guess I got lucky. I can help you out. For a price.”

His brothers were drunk and desperate enough to give in: Steven undid their diapers in exchange for photos. He’d have enough blackmail to be prank-proof all year.

That was before his brothers found out who brought the marshmallows in the first place.

The day after the trip, Steven’s brothers confronted him in his room. They pinned him down and shoved a mallow in his mouth. One brother deleted the photos off his phone, while another took photos of Steven.

“If you don’t want us to share these all over campus, you’ll come to us for every change. And you’ll eat another marshmallow each time.”

That was a month ago. Steven had stopped holding his bladder, instead wetting whenever he had to go. He often wet in his sleep too, so much that he started leaking on his sheets. Steven wasn’t sure if he could hold his bladder even if he wanted to.

Back in his room, Steven reluctantly accepted his brother’s offer for a change. He didn’t fight eating the mallow, knowing resistance meant a longer punishment. As the familiar, dry padding of a new diaper swelled around his butt, Steven thought of what his brothers said after the camping trip.

“We have an endless supply of Puffs, enough to keep you like this for four years. We’ll think about letting you go at the end of this semester, if you’re good.”

#chs: written #chs: story #chs: a favourite #chs: rubberpupthoughts

[pointreyesjournal]

The Amnesiac : ep17

Saturday

I’ve never been much for watching sports, especially American sports, but I do catch a Formula 1 or MotoGP race from time to time. Henrik is excited about all things culturally European, especially soccer. Since we live right across the hall from each other, and since his space is mostly office, and mine is mostly apartment, it’s not uncommon to find Henrik watching European football on my couch most weekend afternoons. Bundesliga is a favorite of his.

I’ve got a pretty decent home theater system, so I like to open up the windows and let the sound of the game pour out onto the street below. And because 99% of soccer is watching grown men pretend to be injured, I like to pester Henrik with lively conversation and cold beers throughout most of the game. When the game gets exciting Henrik will jump up out of his seat and yell at the TV. It only lasts for about thirty seconds per match, so when his butt leaves the seat I let him enjoy the game uninterrupted.

Today’s match is interrupted by the old fashioned zing zing of my vintage brass doorbell. I peer out the window and see - to my surprise - Emma from the coffee shop standing at my door. I buzz her in a greet her at the top of the stairs.

“Hi, Emma. I’m surprised to see you here.”

“Sheesh … I can’t believe how close you live to the coffee shop. No wonder you’re always in there. Can I come in?”

“Oh, sure. Henrik is here. We’re watching soccer.”

Emma steps inside and takes a look around. “Wow, nice place, it’s like one big loft. I love how bright it is in here. ” she says.

“Thanks. Yeah, it’s a great space.”

“Hi Henrik. Whatcha doin’?” she says.

“Just watching the game” Henrik says nonchalantly. “It’s almost over.”

That’s his polite way of saying “leave me the fuck alone for the next two minutes.” Emma gets the message, so she walks over toward the kitchen, dragging her index finger along the counter top as she survey’s the surroundings.

“Floody, you’ve got a really nice espresso machine. How come you’re always at the coffee shop?” she says.

“A little chit chat and some people watching helps break up the day.”

“I get it. But damn dude, this espresso machine is nice. Nicer than the one at the shop! And a burr grinder too.”

“Henrik pulls a mean shot Emma. He’s like a fucking coffee scientist. It’ll make your panties fall off.”

“He doesn’t need coffee to get my panties off.”

Henrik’s either not listening or doing a really good job of pretending not to listen as he focuses on last minute of stoppage time in the game. The referee blows the whistle three times signaling the end of the match. The magic spell is broken and Henrik stands and returns his focus to the real world. Henrik walks across the room to greet Emma with a handshake. She brushes his hand aside and gives him a tippy-toe hug.

“Hi Emma.” he says as they hug. “Sorry, I was focused on game.”

“What was the score?” she asks.

“Nil Nil” he replies.

“Wow, sounds exciting” she says sarcastically. “I hear you make a mean cappuccino.”

“Did Floody tell you that?” he replies.

“Yup. Would you make one for me?” she asks.

“Sure!”

Henrik is delighted. The goal of nerdism is to demonstrate your skills and share you knowledge at every opportunity. Coffee geekery and computer geekery are culturally simpatico. Good coffee, like good code, is the net result of a thousand little tiny details, each executed to perfection. Henrik immediately takes credit for my coffee hardware. “I’ve got friends who made big money in tech and dabbled in coffee. They told me which grinders go with which espresso machines. I even chose the coffee cups. It’s a real science!”

It sounds more like death by a thousand paper cuts to me …

Henrik dazzles Emma with his coffee knowledge. He presents his methodology like he’s practiced the presentation a dozen times in the mirror. First he explains his favorite roast profiles for the beans, and how fresh he likes them. Then he explains exactly how and why he chose the exact coarseness for the grind. Then he pulls the shots, and they’re perfectly frothy dark brown creme. He carefully tamps down the espresso on the counter top before carefully spooning in tiny dollops of foam, making them more of a traditional macchiato than a cappuccino. He hands one mug to Emma, and keeps one for himself. They clink mugs together. “Cheers!” she says with a smile and then takes a sip.

Her reaction looks like someone pumped a needle full of heroin into her arm. Her eyes close as she savors the flavor. She exhales like she had an orgasm. Emma, the barista, looks like she just had her first kiss. Her cheeks are rosy, lips plump and full as she realizes that there’s a whole realm of coffee perfection heretofore unbeknownst to her. If Henrik’s aim was to impress miss Emma, then he’s struck the bullseye.

“Henrik, are you good at everything you do?” Emma asks.

“I tend to do the things I’m good at …” he replies.

“He tends to nerd out on things until he reaches some level of perfection”

“Mastery is probably a more accurate term” he says.

“Do you make homemade sushi?” Emma asks?

“Why? Do you like sushi?” queries Henrik.

“Because if you make sushi like you make coffee, I’ll fuck you ‘till one of us bleeds or begs for mercy.”

I decide to interject before Emma’s panties light on fire.

“So what brings you by today Emma?”

“Oh, I thought you wanted to score some magic mushrooms.”

“Oh, you were serious about that?”

“Yeah, dead serious. My connection is just a few blocks away.”

“Oh. Uhhh. Do you want to go right now?”

“We’ll walk, but after sunset, so we’ve got a little time to kill.”

“Well … it’s only 2:30pm, do you want to hang here for a while or come back later?”

“Got any beer?”

“No.”

“White wine?”

“Yes.”

“Is it chilled?”

“Yes.”

There’s a bit of an awkward silence, then I get the hint and fetch glasses to split the bottle between us with three generous pours.

“Where do you live Henrik?” Emma asks.

“Right across the hall”

“Shut the fuck up. You two are next door neighbors?”

Henrik points to the door across the hallway. “Literally, right there.”

“Floody, why don’t you go to the ATM and get some cash while Henrik shows me his apartment?” Emma suggests.

I take a big gulp from my white wine and then grab the house keys from the tray near the door, and slip out. The sushi place a few blocks away opens at 3pm, so I decide to just walk there and get an early dinner, and grab cash from the ATM on the way home. I don’t know if Henrik has realized it yet or not, but Emma the Barista is about to spend the next two hours or so impaling herself on his Swedish meatballs.

“Better him than me” I keep telling myself as I slurp down two large Sapporos, with Spanish mackerel and hot sake.

The afternoon light passes though my loft like a golden rainbow, turning the white walls to yellow then orange before giving way to the streetlights below. I break the silence with some soft 90’s trip hop through the hifi system and watch the light from turn signals and crosswalks pulsate on the ceiling. When the latch on Henrik’s door finally opens, it’s only Emma who passes through the door. She’s standing in my living room wearing only jeans and a bra, her body and hair are drenched in sweat. I can see bite marks across her belly and ribcage as she pulls her white v-neck over her head.

“He’s asleep” she says as she pulls her shoes on. “Did you get cash?”

“I got cash.”

“Let’s just walk there. It’s only a few locks away.”

“You want to walk to a drug deal? What if we get busted? Are we just going to run home?”

“Well, it’s better than having your or my license plate sitting in front of his house. We’ll walk. Go in through the alley, and nobody will be the wiser. Come on … trust me, I do it all the time.”

I change my shirt to a nondescript long sleeve black tee, and put on running shoes with my jeans just in case. “You look like Steve Jobs” Emma snarkily tells me as we slip out the back door. We walk briskly with our hands in our pockets for a couple of blocks.

“Anything special I should know about your dealer before we get there?”

“It’s not like that” she says. “He’s just a regular guy.”

She’s not kidding. When the back door of the little bungalow opens, standing there is the most ordinary looking forty-something male I’ve ever seen. He’s got shaggy reddish brown hair to match his tidy reddish brown beard, and corduroy pants with brown top-sider boat shoes. He looks like a dad from an 80’s sitcom. “Emma!” he says with a hug. He turns his attention to me.

“Hi, I’m Dave” he says.

“Dave?” I say with a chuckle.

“His name is Dave too” says Emma gleefully. “But everyone calls him Floody.”

Great … now the magic mushroom dealer knows my first and last name. It shouldn’t be a problem, unless we get caught. But then … if we get caught, him knowing my name will be the least of my problems. I was expecting a burnt out hippie, or a gun toting gangster. This guy is as tame as a kitten by contrast. He’s a Volvo driver for sure. He shows us into the living room and we plop down on the couch

“Can I get you a drink?” he says as he points the remote control toward the TV. An episode of Bill Nye the Science Guy is on, and he lets it continue to play, but hits the mute button.

“No thanks, I’m fine.”

“I’ll get myself some water” says Emma as she steps into the kitchen.

“So, Emma tells me you’re experiencing traumatic retrograde amnesia. Can you tell me what happened?”

The big words catch me off guard. I was expecting a drug deal, not a therapy session. I rub the bump on my forehead as I think of a response.

“I walked into the coffee shop Sunday morning with a lump on my forehead and a month of my life missing.”

“You mind if I take a look at the wound?”

“Forgive me for asking, but are you a doctor or something?”

“Emma didn’t tell you who I am?”

“Her drug dealer presumably.”

“Haha, no. I’m David Hoover, Department Chair, UC Berkeley College of Psychology. I specialize in the study of psychotropic drugs, specifically entheogenic hallucinogens such as psilocybin, and their effects on the brain.”

“So you’re not her drug dealer? Wait … so is this legal?”

“The study of psychotropic drugs is legal, but the substances are strictly controlled. We cultivate our own spores in the lab at Berkeley, so … I just cultivated a little extra here at home for those just-in-case moments.”

“Do you have many just-in-case moments?”

“Are you a fan of contemporary literature Mr. Floody?”

“Sure.”

“Are you familiar with the Beat Generation?”

“You mean like Jack Kerouac and William Burrows? Yes of course.”

“When I began college I became captivated by the work of Timothy Leary and his work in the field of consciousness.”

“Isn’t he the LSD guy?”

“Exactly. You see … I’d love to be the Timothy Leary of the 21st Century. An astronaut of the mind. But the world just doesn’t work like that anymore. Everything is bogged down in paperwork, and official transfers of controlled substances. Placebos and audit trails. It’s almost impossible to get anything done …”

“Unless a willing research participant walks through the back door of your kitchen.”

“Bingo. Like a monkey in a space capsule.”

“So you’re willing to put me into orbit. What do you want in return?”

“I’ll get you on a brief dosing regiment and interview you on a regular basis to see if it brings back any memories. If it works, I’ll use the data to formula the basis of a clinical study, knowing privately of course that my therapy has already been proven effective … at least with a sample size of one.”

“So in an official capacity … ?”

“This never happened.’

“The clandestine space monkey. Sign me up.”

“Great. Now let me take a look at that bump on your head.”

Doctor Dave pulls his iPhone out of his pocket and turns on the flash light and looks into my eyes. “Your pupils are dilated.”

“It’s night time.”

“Have you been drinking?”

“Sake … and beer.”

“Okay, so during the initial round of dosing, I need you to just take the psilocybin, no other drugs or alcohol.

“Is coffee okay?”

“Coffee is fine. Now listen carefully. The psilocybin is delivered in the form of a capsule. The contents are 100% organic. They’re just dried mushrooms. But I can more accurately dose you with capsules versus making tea. Plus, the tea tastes awful. Take one capsule tomorrow morning, then another tomorrow night. Then the following day, I want you to skip the morning capsule and take two at night. The following night, three. Got it?”

“Got it. Can I overdose on them?”

“Even three pills is only going to give you a mild buzz. Don’t expect to see a yellow submarine or a white rabbit. Just focus on regaining the memories. Take lots of notes, and reconnect with me in four days and I’ll adjust your dosing schedule. Got it?”

“Got it.”

Doctor Dave produces a large, unmarked bottle of about fifty pills from the bookshelf and hands them to me. Separately he hands me his business card. At just that moment Emma returns from the kitchen with a glass of ice water.

“Good night daddy” she says with a hug and a kiss.

“Good night sweetheart” he replies. “I think your friend is going to work out perfectly for my study. Thank you pumpkin.”

“Sounds great, so happy for you daddy. Nighty night Floody.”

#amnesiac #first person narrative #romance novels #lighthouse boulevard #magic mushrooms