#butchramblings

[spaghettiramblings]

I have returned

I hath returneth after a two year hiatus. I logged into this account two days ago and LORD I was appalled by what I was posting back then.

So to summarize, this account was butchramblings. I was posting nonsense about YouTube and Tumblr feminists and crusty red pillers. I have not consumed any of that since two years ago. I deleted Twitter, deleted the Tumblr app, stopped YouTube, Reddit, whatever else. I think Covid made me dwell on that stuff way too much. Of course I'm still feminist, but not what I was doing two years ago.

Let's say since two years ago, I am no longer a butch lesbian. I am currently bisexual. I was going through things, I guess I'll explain that in another post... To be honest I was more tomboy, not butch, but I was aspiring for it. I still appreciate being masculine, but I think I've reached a happy medium that isn't just sweatpants and outfits that don't flatter me at all.

Also two years ago, I was whining how I'd never get a job when I graduate with my BA in English Lit. Wellllll, I am currently getting my MSW, masters in social work. Long story of how that happened as well.

But yeah, I am back for my 15 followers lmao. Like anybody cares. I think I'll talk about grad school and other things, basically whatever I feel like. Hi :)

[spaghettiramblings]

You ever have these absolute fucking delusions?

Like one day I’m like “I’m going to be a Genius Academic ™” who publishes a whole textbook about some obscure topic.

Then the next I’m like “I’m fleeing to work in a gift shop in Maine and hike on the weekends.”

I want money but I worry about my happiness on the quest to make it.

#butchramblings #college #academia

[spaghettiramblings]

My descent into Hell as an English major

I have been enveloped in this feeling of dread, like my train car is flying off the side of a mountain and I can’t do anything to stop it. I don’t get why they promote being an English major. I know this is what I chose to do, and I knew about the risks. I am still willing to work hard to do anything remotely related to the subject I love. I’ve spoken to so many other English majors who feel hopeless. I probably sound like a privileged little teenager right now, but this is the truth. 

I think I knew from the beginning that my life was going nowhere. I always loved reading and writing, and I wasn’t exceptionally good at anything else (except foreign languages). When I looked at college programs, I only expressed interest in English and communications (which is my minor lmao). In freshman year of high school, I was bragging to everyone how I was going to be an English teacher, and how I was so committed to the craft that I didn’t care about the low pay. Meanwhile, I didn’t even like kids, and I did tutor some, but I wasn’t that good at it. A couple years passed, and at that point I was considering going into publishing to be an editor. One night after one of my night games, I went to my high school’s college fair, and I suddenly decided to be a lawyer. I figured I could major in English in undergrad, and go to law school. That way I could make money, right? Then I thought about it. I couldn’t spend 60k on law school. I thought law was soul sucking, as I had seen many accounts of stress from lawyers. I thought of being a paralegal, but I thought that it was too much for too little pay. 

Then I decided on editing. I was good at editing other student’s papers at school, so I decided I could get into publishing. I ended up going to college for English, and I was going to graduate a semester early. I was so excited about my English classes, and the future I was heading into. Since then, I have considered many other paths. At one point I decided to go to grad school to get a master’s, or even a PhD. I thought it would make me more marketable, and I'd get teaching experience. Then I thought “well I could go into the workforce instead of wasting time in schools some more...” I did some more research, and getting a grad degree in English does nothing for most careers (surprise surprise). I also never wanted to teach, and I feel like I keep trying to force myself to do it. I also thought of becoming a librarian, then I saw that most get paid minimum wage, and I decided against it. 

While I enjoy the readings and some of my writing, sometimes I feel like what I’m learning is absolutely useless. In the middle of an assignment, I'll be like “well who cares about this subject anyway? Nobody except me and some other nerds.” When a professor says “this was well written, this is so refreshing,” it brings me back. Someone’s opinion won’t really make me money, though. 

I never expected anything to be handed to me. I never expected to be rich. It’s just so fucking painful to see a publishing job that pays 30k get 600 applications. That’s literally minimum wage for a full time job that I can’t even get. I make more at my retail job and I do less work! I honestly might give up on publishing. I saw a post recently like “I interned for 3 years, can I break into the industry now?” My God... I shouldn’t have to slave away for 3 years, or cough up 10k for a 2 week publishing class in hopes that I can meet SOMEBODY who can give me a job. I give up. 

#butchramblings #english major #college #literature #literature major #studyblr

[spaghettiramblings]

Fetishization from friends

I currently have a friend who was always the Straight Friend ™. I came out as gay to her a few months ago. The second I brought it up, all of a sudden it was “x person told me I must be bi.” Once quarantine happened, we called every once in a while. Every time we called, she would ask “are you still questioning? Are you sure you’re fully gay yet?” I would say “I’m 99% sure I’m gay.” For some reason, she never bothers to care that I’m a lesbian.  

She told me she would never tell her mom that she was bi, and she was going to marry a man and have 4 kids. She constantly simps for men who are like 30 years older. When I show her girls I think are hot, she seems uncomfortable. Meanwhile she said she watches lesbian porn. She also said she wouldn’t date a bi guy because they interact with other guys sexually.

I told her when I made a Bumble account. She assumed I was looking for men on there. Recently I said a new person at work was cute, she said “omg describe him!” I told her the newbie is a girl, and she told me she was disappointed.

A couple days ago I received a TikTok from her of this girl dancing. She said she would bang the girl. I was like “she’s cute but the dance threw me off.” She said “to me where I just had to have her… the dance gave off the vibe.”  She also sent me some shit like “I need to find a cute girl to kiss to figure out if I’m bi… either 80/20 or 70/30.” Just a very sexual way of speaking about women.

I also joined my school’s LGBT club. When I told her about it, I told her we all introduced ourselves with names, majors, and pronouns. She asked me if bi people introduced themselves with their “percentages.” Like ahsdfsf nobody even introduced themselves with their sexuality. I told her just say bi with a male lean if you want to be specific.

Overall, I’m sick of not being taken seriously by the very few people who have known about my questioning. She has made it like it’s some whole fun thing to sleep around with girls, and introduce yourself with percentages or whatever the fuck. Also it’s telling how the second I came out, it was suddenly all about how she might be bi. It’s like even if she is bi, she is not going about it the right way at all, and it’s very frustrating.

#lesbian #butch #butchramblings #WLW #lgbt #feminism #women #bi #questioning #gnc wlw #friend drama

[spaghettiramblings]

Lesbian dating in a big city

AHHHHH!!! Hey y’all. Recently I finally got back into dating apps, and whew it’s a doozy. Literally like 80% of the girls are theater majors who smoke hella weed. I am neither of those things. I’m currently talking with two girls, and they’re ok I guess? I have to FaceTime them to find out. It’s so frustrating tbh, like why do I have to travel to the city center to meet somebody? And there’s always those people who make the city their entire personality. It’s so cringe, like we get it, you like going to the 50 dollar burger place... damn. Anyways... bye. 

#lesbian #butchramblings #butch #lesbian dating #college #WLW #bi #women #gnc wlw

[spaghettiramblings]

Friend continues to be cringe about being “bi”

I have posted about this girl before. Today she made a post essentially saying that “is a straight man actually straight, or is he conditioned to by society? If a straight man is picky, maybe he is actually gay.” This post was very clearly about her and her “bisexuality.”

Meanwhile, a while ago she told me “I think I'm into women, but I'm scared of coochie.” She constantly sends me posts of older men, telling me how she wants them to rail her. Today she sent me a 30 year old man, saying how he “makes her insides erupt.” I said “he’s old,” and she said “yes, older men do that to me.” Ok?? And why must I know this?? I am not even attracted to men, and I don’t want to hear about your daddy issues. 

Edit: I remembered something else. She sent me some TikTok like “is a bi man and a bi woman in a relationship a queer relationship?” Like miss girl you aren’t special if you date a man lmaoo (Not saying that they aren’t bi anymore, the relationship itself is not gay). Also she sent me another video like “when you remember you’re attracted to men” and it’s some girl cringing. Like sis... you only like men...

I don’t know what the hell to say anymore. It’s just constant cringe coming from her. I don’t make my sexuality my whole personality, but she is making this all about her, when it most likely isn’t true. 

#lesbian #butch #butchramblings #WLW #lgbt #feminism #women #bi #questioning #friend drama

[spaghettiramblings]

Quick rant about filters

Yes I did disappear for a month. Anyway… I was looking at pics in my camera roll and I saw some my friend took of us. She literally cannot take a picture without a filter that smooths her skin. When she took a picture of me, I told her to save it on my phone without a filter. She was so shocked!

I also have another friend who always takes selfies and she captions “I’m so hot today.” How do you even know what you actually look like? She took a picture of her after vomiting with a filter. When I asked why she would even take such a picture, she said “I wanted to see what I looked like.” Ah yes because the color correcting and skin smoothing showed that.

It just freaks me out. If I take a picture, I want to know what I look like. This is what I look like, and that’s it. I don’t need to post all the time at a certain angle, or filter or whatever. I’m me and that’s it!! Goodnight.

#butchramblings #butch #feminism #women #self esteem

[spaghettiramblings]

The Dress

Half of my closet is shirts and pants (most of which I do not wear), and the other half is jackets and an obscene amount of dresses. I did not buy the majority of the dresses, they are simply given to me by others. I am a small girl, and whoever gives me a dress is most likely becoming taller, or beginning to gain weight. I am stagnant. I will not grow, and I barely gain weight.

I am the perfect candidate for someone to bestow their unwanted shit on. I’m usually at someone’s house when the someone’s mom comes out of the guest room with a bag, smiling eagerly. “I have something for you,” she tells me. “Oh really?” I respond nervously. I then must go through the bag and fake excitement over the dress (or dresses), all knee length, sparkly, and showing my nonexistent cleavage. Then I must go home and try them on immediately, while my mom gushes over how cute they are. This process ends in a photoshoot, where she sends the pictures to the women, and they all go “oh how cute!” Then I will most likely not wear it, as I don’t go to parties. When I will inevitably clean out my closet, my mom will tell me to not get rid of the dresses I don’t like, because “we got them for free and they’re so cute!”

So while I continue to wear my plaid shirts and sweatshirts every day, those dresses will sit in my closet as a mockery of parties that will never be, and my femininity that has gone away. 

#butchramblings #butch #lesbian #wlw #tomboy #feminism #wlw writing #gnc wlw

[spaghettiramblings]

YALLLLLLLLL I GOT A DATE!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

#butchramblings #lesbian #butch #tomboy #women #lesbian dating

[spaghettiramblings]

Every internship listing ever

Reading all the job/internship descriptions, I find the same pretentious bullshit. They're all:

X Company is a dynamic company with energetic individuals. This is an opportunity for hands on experience and connecting with those in the field.

You'll be doing: pretentious garbage 1, pretentious garbage 2, pretentious garbage 3.

You must be available from 9-5 Monday through Friday the entire summer. Internship is unpaid.

You must have these qualities: experience with *obscure software*, broad knowledge of all topics, the blood of a virgin, etc.

Meanwhile, there's 600 applicants, you have to make a whole account on the company portal, and they don't bother to respond to you...

#butchramblings #english major #literature major #studyblr #internships #college

[spaghettiramblings]

Internships

So with all the bull I experienced with my scheduling, I was essentially forced to sign up for an "internship class." My school requires an internship to graduate. However, because I was forced into the internship process, I had barely any time to apply for any. I spent 2.5 hours applying to one, and then my advisor sent me 2 internships that were EXPIRED. She is the internship coordinator??? What the fuck.

I ended up applying to an obscure internship, it seemed to have a good vibe to it. They actually responded to me, telling me to take a 5-day course in preparation "if I get offered the internship." If I was truly willing to take this internship, I would contact that person again. Recently I finished the course (in total, the 5 days was about 2 hours), and I emailed the woman back. Not to sound overdramatic, but it's been a couple of days, and I am panicking.

If I took this course for nothing, I am going to be so insanely mad. At this point, it's either too late to apply for internships, or they're going to be 3 month long ones that will essentially eliminate any chance of me going on vacation. In that case, I would have to apply for fall internships and torture myself then.

I currently work at a store, my manager has worked there for several years. He told me he never got an internship because he had "too little experience," and now he can't get a job because he can't get an internship. His field was science! Imagine me, a measly little English major trying to make it with NO experience!

#butchramblings #internships #college #english major #literature major #literature #studyblr

[spaghettiramblings]

Date update

I disappeared again... I'm doing fine I guess, just busy. Anyways, my date went ok? We went to a museum and it was really awkward. It was really quiet, and she kept being like "this painting is nice" and I'd be like "ahah yeah." When I tried saying stuff she'd barely have a response. Afterward, we got sandwiches and talked for a couple hours. At the end, she asked if I had fun. I said "yeah, it was awkward but it was good once we got to talk." She agreed.

Then when I got home, I hit her up on Bumble like "am I cool enough to hang out with again?" She said "I surprisingly had a good time!" I was like umm ok lmao. She then threw hella shade. She said "I was trying to make conversation in the museum, but I guess it wasn't gonna happen ¯\_(ツ)_/¯." I said "ok well I've never gone on a date with a girl, and haven't been on a date in a long time." She said "we can't expect sparks to fly on the first date."

Honestly at that point I was annoyed. Like if you're gonna throw that much shade, I didn't even want to bother anymore. I ended up deleting Bumble because I was so annoyed. I most likely will come back at some point, but not right now.

#butchramblings #lesbian #wlw #lesbian dating #butch