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#but yeah now my aunt is being normal again idk she literally has something wrong with her
watermelonsugar2612 · 3 years
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THE TRIP 'ALONE'
i got this random idea for a drabble and thought it was so hinny. so there we go:
“Ginny Potter. Be safe! Call me as soon as you get there! Face-time me twice a day, I love you,” Harry said standing at the airport, his hands on my shoulders, shaking me after every sentence. Fuck. He looked so hot. He stepped closer, and murmured in my ear, “If I see a single scratch anywhere on your body when you are back, I swear the person who gave it to you should be ready to die,” he growled and pulled away. Shit, I was shivering. Oh, by the way, I was going to my cousin’s house for her wedding. I was going for 4 days and this goodbye speech was getting me (extremely) riled up. He wasn’t coming because he had some important Auror stuff to do. This place was only a few hours away on the road and 45 minutes away by flight. This was my first trip alone after marriage. It has been 4 months of our marriage. All 4 of these months we had driven everyone around us crazy with our PDA. According to mum the newlywedly love was supposed to reduce after two months, but everyday, we were going at it like it was our honeymoon. “Boarding starts in 5 minutes…” he said looking at the board, “You’re staying at your cousin's place right?” He was just saying normal sentences, how could a man have this impact on me. “Y-Yeah, I’m staying at my c-cousin’s,” I cleared my throat and replied. He looked back and smirked. He said with genuinity in his eyes, “I’ll miss you, unimaginably, for everything,” his smirk softened and an announcement was made that my flight was ready to be boarded. “I’ll miss you too Harry. I love you!” I said with a cracking voice (not because I was crying; because I was extremely ‘wet’ somewhere else). I kissed him full on the lips. Pulled away (after idk how long; probably too long; the people were giving us the eyes when we stopped), took my suitcase from his hand and started walking. “CALL ME AS SOON AS YOU LAND! I LOVE YOU GINNY POTTER!” he almost screamed when I walked a few steps away.
My flight landed right on time. I met Bill (who was there to pick me up) at the airport and I ran to hug him. On our way out, we got ice-cream and burgers and we took the long way to her house. It was pretty large and had a lot of rooms. We went inside and I congratulated my cousin. Met everyone around and settled into my room. Tonight we were going out for dinner. I took a bath and freshened up. It had been about 2 hours since I had been here. I opened my phone to check my messages and realised it was dead. I didn’t pay much mind and plugged it in. I went out all ready to party and remembered I had to call Harry. I thought it wasn’t a big deal and just went on with my ministrations. We were all caught up at home and it was time to leave for dinner. By this time I had forgotten all about calling Harry, assuming I had already done so. Almost everyone was already out and in the cars. I went upstairs and grabbed my phone. I opened the main door, “WHAT?!” I screamed. There he was, standing there looking angry and tired. I had butterflies in my stomach but it was erupting with anger too. I stopped a little blush from coming to my cheeks. “You’re okay,” he sighed and hugged me. I literally threw him away. “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU HARRY JAMES POTTER!?” I said, extremely loudly. They heard me shout and Bill, George, Angelina and Aunt Muriel ran downstairs. “You didn’t call me, or take any of my calls. You didn’t call for an entire hour, I was scared and I drove here,” he said with equal anger. “ARE YOU CRAZY? You drove here because I didn’t call you! That is so rhetorical Harry Potter!” I shouted back. “Gin, I was worried! It was impulsive, sorry, I know it's not okay, I was worried okay?!” he said, and tried to grab my hand but I stepped away. “You could’ve called one of my brothers, but you didn’t have the decency to do that, did you? You could’ve waited another hour!” I said back as he tried to hold my arm again, I didn’t let him and took another step back. “Gin, don’t make a scene let’s talk about it, somewhere else, hmm?” he said, somehow sounding angry and calm at the same time. “Yeah let's ‘talk about it,” I said, making air quotes and walking away to my room. He followed behind. I was so irritated by this man right now. This was honestly so embarrassing and the fact that Bill, Angelina, Aunt Muriel and all, saw it happen! I opened the door to my room and walked inside. He took a step inside being a few steps away from me. He closed the door and cast a silencing charm. “That was so fucking embarrassing Harry! Didn’t a single rational thought cross your mind before you drove all the way here, to check if I was okay nonetheless?! I’m not a bloody child, I can take care of myself. Didn’t it occur to you that I was caught up so I couldn’t call? You have got to stop being so overprotective!” I screamed. “You know what, forgive me that I’m so in love with you I don’t have a single rational thought when it comes to you. Forgive me that I can’t stand the thought of being without you for 4 days. Forgive me for showing up today. Forgive me for being so fucking impulsive. Forgive me that I care about you so much and would never forgive myself if anything happened to you!” he growled and pinned me to the wall. Not gonna lie, I was extremely turned on by this. His speech, and the fact that he left work and drove all the way here to only check if I was okay. He looked so genuine, so hot, while he had me pinned. One of his hands above my head, our bodies stuck together and our mouth inches apart. God, was this sexy. Fights were like foreplay to us, we got mad, we screamed, something (much like the thing going on right now; the whole pinned to the wall thing) happened and we ended up naked. Don’t get me wrong, we’d just shagged once today, in the morning. It was pretty miraculous that we were able to stop after round 1, knowing that we wouldn’t be able to shag for another 4 days. I lightly brushed my lips against his and said into his mouth, “I’m sorry to scream at you, I understand Potter. It was a big step that you took, driving all
the way here, so macho of you. Even though I fail to admit it, it was extremely hot when you came back. Looked so genuine and sexy, just perfect,” I said and bit his bottom lip. His phone rang, suddenly. Way to spoil the moment, stupid muggle device. He picked up and stayed on the line listening for a moment. “DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND! MY WIFE WAS NOT ALRIGHT-” he shouted, waited a minute, “Thanks for understanding, I’ll see you Monday,” he put the phone down. “What happened to your wife?” I said leaning against the wall with a smirk. “Oh! She’s very sick! Very far away from me too!” he replied, taking a step forward and pinning my back again. “Is she now?” I grinned and he bit my lip hard. “Not anymore,” he grinned. “Well, sorry for showing up unannounced. I just can’t deny myself a chance to see your beautiful face and do this,” he said, kissing me passionately on the lips. I thought I would melt. Even though it hadn't been too long we’d gone without kissing and we could go longer, I was craving this feeling so much. God. This man would be the end of me, he had so much impact on me for the tiniest things, I don’t know how we would go without this for 4 days. We would probably be at it for an entire day afterward. I switched positions wanting to take control but he had other plans. He threw me onto the bed and climbed on top of me.
We were going at it, hard and fast when we heard the door open with a creak. Fuck. Not one of my brothers please. “I did not just see my sister’s arse.” Bill whined and shut his eyes. Oh my god. Harry quickly pulled out and I ran into the bathroom. He covered his lower body with the bedsheet which was still folded and on the foot of the bed. “Bill, uh- I- you- a-are you okay?” I heard Harry stutter. “Are you decent yet?” Bill said with his back faced toward Harry. “Y-Yeah,” Harry hesitated and Bill turned forward. “I thought you were fighting?” he asked with widened eyes. “Uh, y-yeah we solved that,” Harry said, shoving his glasses up, “We’ll be down i-in a few minutes.” He finished and Bill made a disgusted face and left. “Gin! He’s gone,” Harry said and I walked out in a towel, “This is so not good. I’m going back to London, your brothers are going to kill me.” I looked down at him. “No, you’re staying, I’ll handle them,” I replied. “Gin, they’re going to-” I cut him off with a kiss and pulled away after a few seconds, “Is it such a surprise that we shag? We’re married, Harry. For god’s sake. We’ve been caught shagging by almost everyone, even when we were not married. It’s not our fault we can’t keep our hands off each other.” I said and kissed him again. He grinned into the kiss and bit my lip.
We finished our shenanigans in a matter of minutes, got dressed and went downstairs, hand in hand with Harry. “Dinner?” I asked my brothers cheerfully. “Sure sis,” George said and grinned. After a very awkward dinner, me and Harry departed to our room. This trip ‘alone’ sure was worth it.
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Christmas Time at the Nie Palace
Okay… Okay Christmas. 
So I’d like to start by pointing out that like… I don’t celebrate Christmas like in any real way? It’s just a fun excuse to get together with my friends. And we all seem to be on the same page with that. 
So SangSang threw a party. Let me just say, the Nie’s know how to blow it up, okay? Like apparently DaGe did a lot of the planning too? Which surprised me. But they got IN to it.
I… Okay so in my mind DaGe probably just hoisted that giant tree in by himself. Like just WOOMPH like the man is a tank. 
Realistically I know that Lan Xichen helped him and they probably used a trolley or something. But like…. Picturing Nie MingJue just HOISTING  a gigantic christmas tree into the main hall is just… I can’t picture it any other way. It’s just how it happened. Fanon is better than Canon in this instance don’t @ me.
But I know that both he and Nie Huaisang did most of the decorating together. Technically they are rich (not even technically but they don’t ACT like rich bois so I forget) and could have just hired people to do it for them, but I guess this is something that they both love to do together. A shared tradition. And their house (mansion????) is not small. So like it took some TIME. And like… probably lots of ladders? Because even DaGe isn’t that tall. 
I had about .5 seconds to appreciate this, however, before I heard happy screams of children. Which is good because there WERE children. If there are no children and you hear children screaming, leave.  But as there were children, we were good. 
Said children screamed my name and suddenly two tiny bodies were yeeting themselves at me. 
Not to worry, Jin Ling does this A LOT (though he must have taught A-Yuan because that was a first.
A-Yuan jumped very nicely into my arms though. Just a nice little hop and swoop right on my hip. 
Jin Ling, however, is a little monster who NEVER jumps nice. He jumps to the side and expects me to catch him! Now to be fair, I always DO, but I won’t deny that the first time it happened it gave me a fucking heart attack. 
I do believe that Lan Zhan felt my pain this day because when Jin Ling sailed into my arms and immediately leaned outwards so that he’d swing by whatever limb I’d managed to nab, Lan Zhan ruined everything by stabilizing him. (How is his hand like the size of Jin Ling’s entire torso? ((Like with the fingers spread but still???)))) Anyway.
Don’t think I’ve ever seen that quality of death glare out of a 3 year old before. Impressive. 
Lan Zhan backed away immediately and Jin Ling promptly returned his attention back to his best uncle in the whole wide world (me.).
So now I had two young boys in my arms babbling away about this and that at the same time so I couldn’t understand a word of it. 
Is there anything sweeter? 
Eventually I managed to make out that they wanted me to go into the other room where the real party was. A-Ling was talking about how his mama wanted to see me and so she’d sent him for guard duty. (Found out later from Shijie that she had mentioned my name one time in passing saying that she was looking forward to me arriving with Lan Zhan and Jin Ling IMMEDIATELY went off to wait for me. When A-Yuan arrived instead of me he was apparently a bit disappointed until he realized that now he had a friend to wait with him. And so that’s apparently when they plotted the joint throw. A-Yuan said I was supposed to fall over but I was apparently just too strong.)
Anyway. I hoisted them up higher on my hips and we tramped off to the main room…. Is it a living room? Dining room? Ballroom? Fuck if I know they have too many rooms. It was a big room with enough space for entertaining a lot of people. Anyway. We went there. And were greeted by… A LOT of people! Like Apparently Nie Huaisang had decided to invite everyone I know? Or actually I think DaGe suggested some of them?
Okay so… Um… I think this is what Wen Ning said.. DaGe and Wen Qing hit it off at my birthday in a like… platonic way because that sounds like a crackship. Since they are both hella gay. But like they got to talking at my birthday and like she gave him some medical opinions on a part of a case he was working on or something???? And now they’re like… legit in contact with each other? She helps with forensics or something?
I don’t get it. 
But Nie Huaisang was saying they should bring in some of the people they met at my birthday because he liked them and DaGe said he’d already added Wen Qing to the list? 
Nd Nie Huaisang said that they couldn’t just invite ONE Wen 
And so
They invited
All of them???
Including Granny and Uncle Four????? Who they had NOT met before this? I guess???
Which was why A-Yuan was there and because A-Yuan was there A-Ling was there because playdate? Or something? And so Shijie and the peacock were both there because of course he was coming if his wife and son were there (although A-Lian was with her grandparents because she doesn’t do so well at parties most of the time ((My birthday was a fluke???? Or maybe she just likes me. Hard to tell with that babe. Stares like a cat seeing a ghost in the corner of the room. Seems to like Lan Zhan though. Maybe because he stares the same way????????? Am I a ghost?????? In the corner of the roooommmmmm????? Spoopy. ))
Anyway THey were there but then SO WAS JIANG CHENG because apparently, appAReNTlY Madam Yu and Uncle Jiang don’t know that Nie Huaisang is also my friend? Because they’re all rich and rich people all know other rich people and when you’re friends with other rich people it’s okay because you’re ‘making a connection network’ and so Jiang Cheng through a loophole of rich=dumb  apparently? (Like not that the rich people are dumb but the like the whole rich ettiquette is just bonkers) he was allowed to network at this Christmas gathering. Because I think they assumed that rich people only invite other rich people to their parties? When really it ended up being a pretty even 50/50 split. 
So okay the wens were there and Shijie and her +1 and A-Ling, and Jiang Cheng (who I hugged immediately but just listing this out first bare with me.) was there. And Lan Zhan and I were there and Lan Xichen was there of course. Though… isn’t he dating that other Jin guy? I wonder why he WASN’T there? I think there’s some beef between him and DaGe or something and I guess if DaGe didn’t like me I’d avoid him too…. You know to stay alive… But hmm… Lan Xichen didn't seem too upset. So I guess it’s fine? Seemed to have fun with DaGe anyway. 
(Is it wrong to ship? I mean…. They’d be so good together????? Like that’s their business but I feel like a meddling old spinster aunt trying to get people together. Idk. Whatever. Moving on). Oh oh oh And Gamby and her wife were there!! And MianMian and Qin Su! Like it was literally everyone who had been at my birthday + more! (because Uncle Four and Granny Wen. But still. They count! And I was so excited to see them hahah.) So like apparently gatherings are good for networking. Lol. 
So yeah Everyone was there. But the first person I saw was Jiang Cheng. Who I’d thought, honestly and truly, that I’d never get to see again. 
I don’t know which of us started the hug. Maybe it was the same time. But for once he didn’t bitch about it and I wasn’t a little shit about it either. 
Just…. Jiang Cheng really gives great hugs. He told me that he missed me. And said that he was working things out on his end and to be patient please. Promised me and made me promise back that we were still brothers. Forever. 
And that was about all of the feely feels we could handle in public because EVERYONE WAS STARING AT US….
Except Lan Zhan who had disappeared? I didn’t notice until then. But poof. 
…………………
Just asked him where he was for the first bit of the party and he said apparently he’d brought the Emperor’s Smile to the kitchen and ended up getting stuck for a bit helping the cook finish off some stuff because he’s an angel and the nicest person in the world. 
Which… explains why I saw him later holding a tray of hors-d’oeuvres (had to ask Lan Zhan how to spell that…. Maybe shouldn’t have because that’s dangerously close to telling him I had a blog? I think he probably just thinks I’m texting someone about it….. Weeks after it happened…… O.O;;;; uh…. Well he didn’t ask about it so I guess I’m good. Whatever moving ON.).
 So we coughed and let go of each other, but I couldn’t resist grinning at him. Just seeing him there. Knowing that he came here and specifically made it so that I could be here too. That he’s going to such lengths and and.. Actually FIGHTING to keep me in his life. Just…
Okay Stop or you’ll cry, Wei Ying. 
What happened next… ah… we went to the party room saw Jiang Cheng and then we got pulled in to stand with the mingling crowd. 
More hugs all around. Even from Wen Qing after she gave me a quick check up to see how I was healing up. Ever the professional.
I guess… I really scared everyone. Not just from the fire but before that too. They knew that I wasn’t doing well and then more and more shit kept happening. And I think I really scared them.
To be honest, I really scared me too. 
But Lan Zhan saved me. So I guess in the end none of us had anything to fear. <3
We were all chilling and talking and I was just starting to worry that Lan Zhan somehow got lost or kidnapped or eaten by a Nie Monster or something when he appeared holding trays of food. I watched him going to the other room and followed him because I was having Lan Zhan withdrawal. 
And found him setting the food down on a MASSIVE table in the HUMUNGAZOID DINING HALL.
Okay so I’ve been to Nie Huaisang’s place before but generally we just like chilled in the normal living areas. But he has these ‘entertaining’ areas for when they have formal gatherings or parties or whatever. And I’d kinda passed by them before but they were just big empty rooms, right? Like oh okay whatever. It’s like passing by a meeting hall in a hotel. Like oh okay just a big empty room for meetings and shit.
Except when they decorate it it transforms into like this huge palace room! Like fuck! Gold and glitter and lights and sparkle and just everything! And really like tastefully done too. It was a lot, but it was the right kind of a lot. And it was all very coordinated. 
I guess Lan Xichen helped a lot with the balance in the end? How often does Lan Xichen come over here that he’s helping set up decor? 
Who knows. 
Not my business.
Still though isn’t he dating Jin Guangyao or whatever? I wonder how he feels about it?
Whatever. Not my business. 
SO I trotted over to Lan Zhan like a little lost duckling and asked if he needed help with anything. He gave me one of those smiles that he saves just for me (my HEART) and lead me over to the other side of the room and told me to sit at the table.  
I was still all flustered from that smile because MY HEART so I didn’t even think to protest until he was already leaving again! Noo! My Lan Zhan Withdrawal wasn’t done yet! But he was only calling for the others to come join us so we could start dinner. Everyone filed in and Lan Zhan sat next to me before anyone else could. 
I tried not to think too much into it at the time but now…. I wonder…
Anyway.
Dinner was amazing. Like think of your favorite holiday food. Okay you got it? It was there. I guarantee it. Like dear god. 
And DELICIOUS
And and Lan Zhan had brought me some Emperor’s Smile that was nice and chilled and delicious. 
Somehow… 
Okay I know, alright. I KNOW! But like 
The taste of that wine… makes me think of him. Of that kiss. 
He doesn’t taste like wine but something… So clean and clear and refreshing. Mellow but still strong. Just…. 
Stop thinking about his LIPS
Okay moving on.
(How many times do I say moving on? I should make a tally.) 
MOVING ON.
Dinner=amazing.
And right when we were ready to burst from eating and eating and eating…..
Dessert
SO 
ACTIVATE SECOND STOMACH! DEPLOY!
Guys… Guys I ate so much food. I’m pretty sure they had to roll me out of the chair.
Oh… wait… no that actually happened. But mostly for the kids I swear. 
I was whining to Lan Zhan that he was gonna have to roll me to the next room (to which he, of course, responded that he would simply carry me instead. Ugh this man) and Jin Ling called me silly and said I should walk. And A-Yuan, who is apparently much too used to my antics, laughed and agreed in a kinda… idk… DO IT kinda way? So I slid to the floor (I know gross but whatever. The things we do for our children) and rolled away from the table. 
Worked though. Both kids started to shriek with laughter, even though A-Ling was trying his best to sound like Jiang Cheng to tell me to get off the floor because it’s dirty. I rolled about 8 feet before Lan Zhan just deadlifted me into his arms and hauled me into the next room. 
Which made me explode and the children laugh even harder.
This. MAN. How am I expected to survive living with this man when HE KEEPS PULLING THIS SHIT!?!?!?!?!?!
I covered my face to hide how red it was and to avoid looking at everyone’s faces. Because I know they all know. Like they are very obvious about how obvious I must be. Like I’m hopeless. Completely and hopelessly in love with Lan Zhan and they all fucking KNOW it and they ALWAYS GIVE ME THESE LOOKS WHEN I’M WITHIN 10 FEET OF THE MAN AND LIKE I GET IT OKAY I KNOW I’M AN IDIOT BUT APPARENTLY /HE/ DOES NOT KNOW THAT I FEEL THIS WAY AND I DO NOT WANT HIM TO FIND OUT BECAUSE YOU GUYS KEEP GIVING ME THESE FUCKING LOOKS EVERY TIME HE BREATHES IN MY DIRECTION LIKE OKAY I GET IT I KNOW OMG
…………
YES NIE HUAISANG I AM TALKING TO YOU
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Anywaymovingon*lolseewhatididthere?* 
He plopped me very gently on the couch and sat next to me. Immediately the part of my lap that was not taken up by my over-stuffed stomach, was filled by my nephew. Lan Zhan got to deal with a very excited, but very polite A-Yuan asking very kindly if he could sit on his lap. (To which of course Lan Zhan just picked him up and placed him there. A-Yuan looked so delighted.)
I finally chanced a look at the rest of the group who quickly pretended they hadn’t been giggling at us and staring the entire time.
They shuffled around, talking about if we wanted to do games or presents first. 
Presents???? PRESEN-- NO ONE HAD TOLD ME THERE WERE FUCKING PRESENTS. I HADN’T GOTTEN ANYONE ANYTHING!!!!!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK
So I start whispering frantically to Lan Zhan asking him if he knew about it and trying very valiantly not to swear since WE HAD LAPS FULL OF CHILDRENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN AND THE LAST THING I NEED IS FOR THEM TO TELL THE REST OF THE FAMILY THAT UNCLE XIAN TAUGHT THEM THE WORD FUCK. ugh.
Lan Zhan apparently knew about it the entire time. 
I couldn’t get into it too much because kids. But uuuuuuuuuugh. 
WELL everyone decided that we’d do presents later so that it was easier to keep track of everything
Of course that means more time for me to freak out. Because what else am I good at but freaking out?
Instead they brought out the games. I finally got a look around at the actual room when the children leaped off of my lap to go play some of the games that were being set up. A-Ling decided it was time to latch himself to his father since his mother was kicking Wen Qing’s ass at pool (well she would have been kicking her ass if she wasn’t 6 months pregnant. As such they were pretty evenly matched.) 
There was a section with toys and board games where DaGe and Lan Xichen started to set things up to see if they could entice the kids to play with them. A-Yuan was won over first which was enough to convince A-Ling to beg his dad to play with them over there.
Not that he had to beg much. Jin ZiXuan would do anything for that boy. Spoils him rotten. But in a loving way. 
So I saw the 5 of them sit down for…. Shoots and ladders? I think? DaGe looked at those kids with pure adoration. Same way he looks at Busu back at the bunny cafe. Guess he has a soft spot for small cute things. 
Can’t blame him. 
Wen Ning and Nie Huaisang were off in a corner by one of the large TV’s playing some game or another. I’m… what was it… Gang Beasts or something? I don’t know. You pick the other guy up and try to yeet him off the stage. I don’t know. Apparently it’s a bit older of a game now but Wen Ning really loves it. (Surprisingly enough for such a meek guy, he is RUTHLESS when it comes to chucking Gumby-lookin fuckers off a plane. Who knew?) Jiang Cheng took a turn but sucked at it so he stomped off to play with the kids instead.
Gamby and Aunty Yi were off that way too watching a movie on another screen with MianMian and Qin Su watching something else on yet another TV. (seriously how many screens???) And Uncle Four was kinda staring between that, the game, and the yule log TV, nursing a bottle of his famous fruit wine. Brews it himself and it will FUCK you up.  
I… okay so… I’m slow. But like I noticed finally that the Yule log-- You know that station that just plays christmas music and is just a fire? Like they… Okay it was mute. So it was just the fire. And they put it in front of the actual fire place. That would normally have been lit. 
They.. it was for me. I could tell. Because Nie Huaisang glanced at me then and the look… You don’t get to see him looking soft too often. But.. Thank you Nie Huaisang. For that. For protecting me. 
They put in a fake fire so that I could feel comfortable. 
I turned to Lan Zhan then to ask him what he wanted to do only to find him… he was just watching me. He was so close… 
I freaked a little and asked him if he wanted to play a game. Any game. Just any game at all. Please just pick a damn game omg a;dlkfja;sdkj he was so close. 
We ended up… somehow playing darts? Sort of. 
He’d never played darts so I ended up having to talk him through it. Then promptly kicked his ass because my aim is perfect and he was lucky to hit the damn board. 
I helped him get better though because he’s really a very good student. And uh… well.. Um… He … 
OKAY THE CLICHE IS REAL AND I HELD HIS HAND AND STOOD BEHIND HIM TO CORRECT HIS FORM OKAY AND IT IS CHEESY AND STUPID AND I LOVED EVERY SECOND OF IT OKAY. 
I KNOW. A;LSKDFJ;DJ
But it did actually help. By the end of it he was doing pretty good I’d say!
Eventually he switched out with Lan Xichen so that he could ‘show us how it’s done’  and that turned into quite the competition. Lan Xichen gave me a run for my money that’s for sure. 
Somehow everyone sorta ended up watching. To be fair we were moving pretty fast.
Liek AIM THROW THWP POINTS! 
At one point DaGe started suggesting different trick shots which made it harder. Didn’t last long after that because we decided it was better to not put a bunch of little holes all over the wall because Lan arm strength is apparently genetic and INSANE soooo that ended that. 
After that, since we’d all gathered again anyway, apparently it was time for presents. Which I had actually forgotten about. 
I pulled Lan Zhan aside as everyone else started setting up to ask him about it and why I hadn’t heard about this??? I didn’t HAVE presents for anyone! Like fuck!
He told me that he’d put my name on the presents he’d given anyway. Like there was a ‘draw from a hat’ business secret santa kind of thing? And I was not included. 
I’m… I’m really a bit… I don’t know… 
They… Like I know I’d been through a lot lately and… well I guess I haven’t been in the best state for a couple of months by then… but they could have asked me.. I mean I’m not THAT poor all things considered. I don’t have an apartment and I had to buy a lot of new stuff, yeah but Lan Zhan isn’t charging me rent and actually bought a lot of it for me whether I wanted him to or not. So Like… I could have afforded a present. 
It’s that… that pity feeling that I talked about before. I felt like I was being pitied. And I hate it. 
Lan Zhan told me it wasn’t like that. It wasn’t pity to help take care of someone who is going through shit. It’s caring. 
And I guess… but still…
He touched my cheek then, cupped it with his hand. 
“I do not pity you. I worry. And I care. But that’s not pity,” he said. “We want to take care of you sometimes. Please let us?”
Of course what can I say to that? Nothing. Gah. For a man who doesn’t speak much he sure knows how to talk me into a corner. 
I was still trying to formulate a response when I started to notice there was a lot of… snickering going on. 
I looked around and everyone quickly looked away, pretending they weren’t laughing. But I could see them all hiding grins. I looked at Lan Zhan who looked about as confused as I was and the snickering started again. 
“Well what are you waiting for?”
SangSang…. I should murder you. I should just… Chop you up into tiny pieces and chuck you in a river. 
Either that or throw a damn party for you.
I looked over at him and he was pointing up. So we looked up and…. 
……………………………………………………………..
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Fuck you Nie Huaisang!
THERE WAS MISTLETOE ABOVE US BECAUSE CLEARLY WE WERE IN NEED OF MORE CLICHES IN MY SAPPY LOVE (OR LACK THERE OF????? MAYBE?? MAYBE NOTA.LDKFSJAL;SDKFJ ) LIFE. 
I… Okay my memory is shit, so like… but I don’t remember there being anything there before. Like… I feel like I would have noticed??? I… well…
Well it is what it is.
Lan Zhan. And I. Were stuck under the mistletoe. Together. With EVERYONE watching us and snickering away. Like a damn faulty sprinkler system. CHE CHE CHE CHE CHE. 
All of them. They will all pay. Revenge will come on swift wings when they least expect it!
You know what? Fuck it. I’m  gonna set up DaGe and Lan Xichen purely out of spite. 
But back to the problem at hand. I couldn’t avoid looking back at Lan Zhan forever. He looked about as red as I felt. 
“Mistletoe….” I said intelligently. 
“Mn…” was his very articulate response.
“You… we don’t have to….” I said.  But he cut me off with a kiss. 
A real kiss. Not a cheek kiss. Or a forehead kiss. A real proper kiss. Right on the lips.
Short but oh so sweet. 
He kissed me.
HE. KISSED. ME. 
;akdfj;alskdjl;sadjf;kaja;eioj;OJAD;LKFJA;SLDKFJ;Kjfda;kj;lkj
Okay. So it was just a peck. The kind you would give to a close friend in this situation. (Okay don’t yell at me I know. Like let me explain.)
My point is. I didn’t want to… read more into it than there was to read. Okay? But it… 
Okay this is hard to explain. 
I’m not THAT stupid. I know that you don’t always just kiss your friends. Some people do but not everyone. And Lan Zhan is NOT the type to just kiss a friend. 
But there was the complication with the kiss after the fire and the tension before of the what are we??? Like I’ve known for a while- I think I mentioned it before-- I think we hit a level past… past just friends. And I wanted to believe it was romantic on both sides but I wasn’t sure. And I was scared. And I didn’t want to risk what I have just because I’m greedy. Like what we had.. It is enough even if I WANT more. 
And then he kissed me under that mistletoe..
I’d kinda squashed my hope of more after the kiss. After he agreed it meant nothing. It hurt so bad that the only way I could really process it was to just repress it. (which I’m TRYING not to do but I had a lot going on. And I had to process the rest of it first). So it just kinda turned into… I don’t know… I’d lost that hope. That thought that maybe he could grow to love me. I took that hope and I shoved it behind an iron door and threw the key away into a hedge maze guarded by evil goblins. (Not cute goblins like me. Evil ones. Pointy and mean.) 
But… then he kissed me under that mistletoe… and… I don’t know… did he fight off the goblins and find it in that hedge maze? Or did he just forge a new key altogether? 
But he unlocked that door. And opened it even if just a crack. And he let out a sliver of hope again. A tiny sliver of real hope that rests in my heart even now. Growing. 
We stared at each other until we were interrupted by everyone’s whooping and cheers. “Alright alright yeah yeah.” I chided and ushered them away. 
At least A-Yuan and A-Ling were busy making grossed out faces instead of cheering. Good boys. 
“What’s wrong? You don’t like kisses?” I asked them. And then I launched myself at them making the most obnoxious kissy face I could manage. Chased them around the room while everyone else settled in for presents. Caught them after a few moments and covered them in kisses. A-Yuan laughed and A-Ling pretended he was trying to get away, but I know he liked it. 
Hah.
I kissed them all the way back to the couch where I sat next to Lan Zhan (who I couldn’t look at anymore). I plopped A-Yuan in his lap and just held on to A-Ling who was scrubbing his face clean of my kisses. Quite dramatically I might add. Offensive. (he got like 5 more kisses because of it.
I told him that if he kept scrubbing off my kisses I’d just have to keep replacing them. “Just ask Uncle Cheng.”
“It’s true, buddy.”
“See? It’s true!”)
“Alright! Is everyone ready?” Shijie asked once A-Ling finally submitted to his punishment kisses.  The two kids sat up so fast they almost clocked both me and Lan Zhan clean on the chin. But fortunately we are both ninjas and managed to avoid braining the children. 
“Presents! Presents! Presents!” they chanted. (Well A-Ling chanted and then nudged A-Yuan until he joined in). 
It started off harmless enough. They started bringing stuff over to me and Lan Zhan which makes sense. Let the kids go first, right? And they’d clearly need more than everyone else. 
Except… They weren’t all for the kids. And they kept bringing them over. Until there was a pile of every single present gathered beside me and at my feet. 
The kids each got a couple but the rest of them. They were small but they were all clearly labeled. 
“Wei Ying. Wei Ying. Wei Ying.”
Every one of them. 
I looked over at Lan Zhan to decide if I needed to yell at him some more but he looked just as flabbergasted as I did. So clearly he wasn’t in on it. 
Everyone else…. Lan Zhan was right. It wasn’t pity in their eyes. The way they were looking at me. It was love. 
I let the kids open their gifts first so I had a moment to collect myself. They tore the paper like wild animals and squealed in delight at each new toy. 
A-Yuan’s favorite was the little toy butterfly that Lan Zhan got him (with my name on the gift to give me credit I didn’t deserve). He hugged us both, and then went off to play with A-Ling with the blasters they both got.  
I did relish the look of pain on Jin ZiXuan’s face as he realized he was going to listen to those blasting noises and beeps and whistles for the next 2 months until A-Ling finally got bored. Very satisfying. 
But the… Well I couldn’t avoid it anymore. I had to open my own gifts. 
“Start with this one, please,” Gamby said, holding out the largest of the pile. 
I… when I opened it…
Would you blame me if I cried?
The.. the photo album that I’d gotten for my birthday. It burned in the fire. And… I didn’t… I didn’t want to admit it but it crushed me. Of all the possessions I lost… that one… 
But they replaced it! They got me a new book. All the photos were there. Not the originals, but they’d made copies of every photo they’d taken because they still wanted their own copies of them too. (Apparently the originals had all gone into my book which is still a shame. But the image is more important than the paper.)
Every single gift was related to that book. Gamby and Aunty Yi gave me the new book. All the photos from the original were there. But then every single gift from the others were new pages with new photos. Ones that hadn’t been included before and then lots from my birthday. Pictures of everyone and of me and just… The last page was a large copy of the picture we’d all taken at the photo booth. It filled the whole page. 
And then letters. From everyone. Letters of love. Stories and memories. To me. Even Jin ZiXuan wrote a letter. Admittedly short but still there. (He mentioned in the letter that he wasn’t sure he needed to write me one of his own since technically he’s the one who did the writing for A-Ling’s letter but figured it would annoy me so fuck it.)
That dick. Do I have to like him now? Uuugh I don’t want to like him. :(
I had to give the book to Lan Zhan so that I wouldn’t cry on it. 
Shijie came and hugged me, letting me cry without judgement like she always does. And then I felt Lan Zhan’s arms join hers. And then I was drowning in arms. 
I’m…. I’m not used to being the focus like this. Not in this way. It’s different when I’m the one drawing attention to myself. But when it’s just… everyone. Everyone I love just freely giving me their love back just… 
I don’t really know how to handle it. 
But… at the same time… 
I’ve never felt so loved. So wanted. And Lan Zhan really is right. It’s not pity. It really really isn’t. And I don’t think I’ve ever… Ever really let myself experience it that way. 
Eventually I told them through my stuffed nose that that was enough and that I still needed to breathe please. They all laughed and let me go finally. I didn’t really want them too, but I do also like my friend oxygen. 
They all gave me one last squeeze or pat and went off to do their own thing again. Playing games and watching things. 
Letting me gather myself back together again. 
I looked over at Lan Zhan and told him I’d be back in a minute. I got up to just… I don’t know… take a walk. It was… it wasn’t too much but nearly. But not in an unwelcome way. It was pushing my boundaries, but they were boundaries that needed to be pushed. 
I know I deserve love. It’s hard to remember it a lot of the time though and sometimes you have to force feed it to me. And… And it’s good.  Great even. 
But a bit overwhelming. 
I walked through the house idly for a bit. Probably going where guests weren’t supposed to go but whatever. 
I must have been gone longer than I thought though because eventually Lan Zhan came to find me. To check on me and make sure I was okay. 
“Was it too much?” he asked. I shook my head and said yes at the same time which made him laugh a little. 
I shuffled over to him and put my forehead against his chest with a soft sigh. 
“It’s not too much,” I said as he obligingly slid his arms around me. “It’s just…. Too much… you know?”
He hummed in understanding and miraculously I think he did understand. Because let’s be real, that was nonsense. 
Then he pulled away and took my hand (very gently because they were still raw). 
“Follow me,” he said in that rich honey voice of his. (Yes Lan Zhan. I will follow you. I will follow you anywhere. Into the very gates of hell.) 
Can you blame me if I laced our hands together? He let me anyway. And didn’t pull away so nyah. 
I had no idea where he was taking me but.. Well I’ve said it before that I trust him implicitly. With everything. With my very soul. 
Turns out. Nie Huaisang. Has an in home movie theater. Like. A legit movie theater. With those comfy squishy seats and the giant projector and like….
HUAISANG HOW HAVE YOU NEVER TAKEN ME INTO THIS ROOM? APPARENTLY YOU’VE TAKEN LAN ZHAN BECAUSE HE KNEW WHERE EVERYTHING WAS AND SET UP THE PROJECTOR AND POPPED IN A MOVIE AND LIKE FUCK YOU HUAISANG I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS. ;3;
Lan Zhan had me sit down while he set everything up, then pulled up the arm rest between us and sat down before just… pulling me to lean against him. 
I mean I wasn’t gonna complain. *v*
So we watched a movie together. Honestly… Honestly I couldn’t even tell you what movie it was. His arm was around me, tracing patterns into my shoulder. And he let me hold his hand again. I remember running my thumb up and down the back of his. And the smell of him. And the sound of his heart beat and the feeling of his breath slowly shifting me up and down. 
About half way through the movie he shifted though, making me sit up. I looked at him to pout, but stopped because he was very decidedly NOT looking at me. 
“I have… something for you…” he said softly. Before I could tell him he, of all people, didn't need to get me anything, especially after all he’s already given me, he pulled a small box out of his pocket. 
“I didn’t want to give it to you… in front of everyone.”  -after the mistletoe incident- was left unsaid. 
I took the box. Trying to let myself accept things. Let myself be loved. 
It was just a small blue box with a white cloud-patterned ribbon (that I still have shh. It was cute). I pulled the ribbon and opened the lid of the little blue box to find…
Okay it was small and simple but this.. Perfect earring. It’s just a red stone dangling on a black chain. Small. Simple. Perfect. 
I stared at it long enough that I probably made him nervous. Trying to get myself to just say thank you. To just accept it. 
Eventually I managed. “... help me put it in?”
My hands were still a bit stiff and fumbly (which sucked because I haven’t been able to paint much lately because of it). But even so it was an excuse for him to touch me more. To feel his hands brushing my neck and jaw. For him to be closer to me. 
He obliged me and put it in. I.. Maybe it was just because it was dark, but that sliver of rekindled hope in me really wants to believe that he took his time with it. That he wanted that excuse to touch me too. 
Hope is dangerous but…. I can’t help it. I’m hoping. 
“Merry Christmas, Wei Ying,” he said softly when he finally pulled away. 
I looked over at him and smiled. He smiled back. 
“Merry Christmas, Lan Zhan.”
Something… in that moment. I was going to kiss him. There just was no other option. The moment. The hope. The memory. The feel of his skin. It all culminated into one truth. 
I was going to kiss him. 
Except.
I WAS COCKBLOCKED BY ADORABLE TODDLERS WHO I CAN’T EVEN BE MAD AT BECAUSE THEY’RE ADORABLE. 
Apparently when we didn’t come back the kids decided that we got lost. And they snuck out to find us. They were so excited to rescue us that it took them a minute to realize we were in a giant movie room. After that they were about as excited as I was. (What does that say about me? Am I just a giant child?.... Hey wait a minute the only ones who got any gifts were me and the kids. I AM A GIANT CHILD. Fuck . T_T)
Once they got over their initial hyper excitement about the theater, we coaxed them into watching the movie with us. Lan Zhan clicked some magic remote or something and it changed to a more kid-friendly movie. (I don’t understand technology. I never will.)
I texted Shijie that the kids were safe with us in the movie room so she wouldn’t worry and let A-Ling settle onto my lap. 
Gotta say. I don’t bet to be his favorite very often. It’s really nice when he’s in an Uncle Xian mood. <3
A-Yuan took his place back on Lan Zhan’s lap. He was much more confident now, just glancing at Lan Zhan to make sure it was okay before he sat on him. 
And… Okay I can’t even be mad that they ruined my attempt to kiss Lan Zan because this image. This painfully beautiful domestic scene…. 
I’ve never wanted kids so badly in my life. Kids. With Lan Zhan. Just… I wanted this. So badly. 
I still do. So much I’m almost shaking with it right now. 
I want… I want to be a father. With Lan Zhan. I want that for the rest of my life. 
And… I knew I loved him. I knew I want to be with him. But this hit differently. This… this was an absolute forever. This was.. This was more than wanting to date Lan Zhan or live with him or… you know… stuff. This was… I want his life to be entangled with mine. To the point that the life is ours. Not his and mine. Ours. 
I want that so badly. 
Maybe that’s selfish. But it’s what I want. 
Time slipped by while I had this little life-changing revelation and before I knew it I was covered in drool.  Jin Ling had fallen asleep. And A-Yuan wasn’t far behind him on Lan Zhan’s lap. I caught Lan Zhan’s eye and we smiled.
I wonder… if he was thinking the same things I was. Is that something he’d want? With me? 
Maybe, that little flame of hope dares to admit. Maybe. 
It could be possible.
After a while Shijie and Wen Ning popped their heads into the room to collect the children. Jin Ling transferred over to his mother like a sack of potatoes but A-Yuan was just not having it. 
“Nooooo” he whined, still half asleep and clinging desperately to Lan Zhan. “I wanna stay with Bunny-Gege and Xian-gege. D:”
He made that face too. D: Like you could feel it in your soul that D:. 
And we were powerless. 
“Would you like to spend the night with us if Granny says it’s okay?” Lan Zhan asked.  Oh that sleepy little nod was enough to melt even Madam Yu’s heart I’d bet. 
Wen Ning laughed softly and told us he’d check with her to see if she minded. After a few minutes I got a text saying “he’s all yours.”
And that’s how we temporarily adopted Wen Yuan. 
DaGe offered to drive us home since we’d walked here and it was a bit too cold for a sleeping 7 year old. We thanked him and let him drive us in the tank he has the nerve to call a truck. How many miles to the gallon must that thing get? 2? Ah well. Put A-Yuan promptly back to sleep anyway so I guess whatever works. We thanked him and wished him a Merry Christmas/Happy New Year and all that jazz and went inside together. We didn’t have anything to really put A-Yuan in so I donated one of my new t-shirts for him to wear as… a nightgown I guess? Whatever it was more comfortable and he didn’t complain. 
And then I stole one of Lan Zhan’s shirts to wear so we’d match. Hah. 
We all ended up sharing a bed together after Lan Zhan fished out a spare toothbrush for him to brush his teeth with. 
A-Yuan in the middle and Lan Zhan’s long arms around the both of us. 
I don't think I’ve ever slept better.
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afangirlwashere · 6 years
Text
Risk pt.3 (Peter Parker x superhero!reader)
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(gif is not mine all the credit goes to the creator)
Summary: Two months have passed now. Friendships were strengthened by sharing embarrassing photos and spending weekends together. What comes next? What if a mission goes wrong? 
A/N: I am.. Not that happy with this one IDK why.. Just had a hard time translating it from my native language. This is the last part, for now, I might decide to pick it back up later because I have a few more ideas for this series but we’ll see... All of the feedback, reblogs, etc. mean a lot to me so THANK YOU!! Requests are open as always you can check my list of characters I write for here <3
Warnings: Infinity war spoilers!! other than that nothing really. there’s a little swearing.
part 1  part 2  part 4
(you can listen to this song while reading)
________________________________________________________________
“Oh no...” Ned whimpers.
“Yep...” Peter nods and dodges a flying paper ball in the hallway. 
“Dude... If she already saw THAT photo it’s over. Even I contemplated not being friends with you after I saw it!” Ned throws a big pile of books in his locker and closes it “It’s the most embarrassing thing I ever saw. Why does your aunt always has to show it? Why do you let her? And why didn’t you like... ‘accidentally’ burn it or ‘made it disappear’?”
“Because it’s one of the few photos that my dad took of me. She loves all of them but this one especially. I can’t get rid of it. I can’t do that to her.” he explains.
Ned slowly nods “Yeah that would be a dick move.” they just stand next to his locker for a second “But Mr. Stark didn’t see it right?” 
Peter looks horrified “God no! No, no, no, no that’s the first thing I told May after he left our apartment, he can never see that photo! He’d call me panty liner for the rest of my life.” 
“Okay panty liner my locker isn’t waiting for her period to come any time soon so if you could stop protecting it and move away that would be great.” (Y/N) appears out of a sudden. 
Peter steps away from her locker while Ned laughs his ass off. 
“Sorry... I couldn’t pass the opportunity. And I’m kind of getting MJ’s manners, we’ve been hanging out a bit more lately.” (Y/N) pushes her hair to one side and lets her whole profile exposed to the boys.
Peter’s eyes are glued to her the whole time she looks for her textbook and heads to class wawing at the boys without looking at them and muttering something as a temporary goodbye. 
“You’re not very smooth with that puppy-eyed expression Peter. I think if I’ll have to watch your tortured lovesick face for more than two months I’m gonna have to keep a barf bag around.” Michelle creeps up behind.
“You should have seen him last weekend when we watched Stranger Things. (Y/N) fell asleep next to him and was slowly falling on his shoulder. ‘Ned what do I doo?’ the panic in his eyes... It was hilarious.” Ned laughs.
“It was stressful okay? I never had this happen to me! I didn’t know what to do, I still don’t know!” Peter defends himself.
“You should just tell her,” MJ says like it’s obvious.
“I’ve been telling him the whole time!” Ned cheers “She’s intelligent, hard-working, pretty, you have a lot in common,” he winks “she can literally tell you the history of the whole world, loves building legos - I still can’t believe she rebuilt the Millenium Falcon in one day when she accidentally knocked it down and broke it - loves to watch Avatar: The Last Airbender - we have to have another re-watch together sometime - and she’s super funny!” 
“I mean.. I don’t really give much recognition to other’s but... (Y/N) is one of the people in this school that I don’t actually hate. She’s pretty cool. And Ned is right she’s hilarious.” Michelle gives her point of view. 
“Yeah, she had a funny remark just now about that super embarrassing pho-”
“Dude!” Peter interrupts him. 
“What?” Ned shrugs.
MJ frowns “You mean that super embarrassing naked picture when you were three and put a bunch of panty liners all over your body, even covering your small pen-” 
“Did (Y/N) tell you about it?!” Peter’s voice cracks halfway.
“No, she didn’t Kermit.” she uses the old nickname for Peter “Ned did. A while ago actually.” 
“Ned!” Peter angrily grunts. 
“I’m sorry! It slipped and she can be really scary when she needs to be!” Ned backs away a bit. 
“I tried to draw it once because I couldn’t really imagine it.” Michelle blurts out receiving two concerned looks from the boys. 
“You’re really weird y’know?” Ned says. 
“Yeah... I get that a lot from other people.” Michelle squints her eyes at them.
________________________________________________________________
After two months of catching up (Y/N) is at least a decent student. Not the top of the class though. That position is reserved for people like Flash and Peter.
Flash is all rich, privileged and snobby. A modern bully truly.  There were a few times when he provoked Peter so much that it would be understandable for him to throw a punch but he never did. If anything he backed away trying to disappear.
(Y/N) spoke to him about it once.
“Why do you let him do that? A punch in the face would handle it and we’d never hear from Flash again I guarantee you that. You would have the upper hand.” 
“And that’s why I can’t do it even if I wanted to. It wouldn’t be fair. I have these powers not to hurt people but to protect them. I would love to do all sorts of sports but with my strength, it would be unfair to have such an advantage.” Peter explained.
“You’re ripping yourself off of all the high school experiences that way.” (Y/N) argued.
Peter just shrugged “It’s the superhero burden I have to take. I wouldn’t punch Flash even if I was a normal teenager. That’s not me.”
(Y/N) clenched her teeth “But that’s me. I’m breaking his nose next time.” 
“You can’t do that! They would call your parents and they’d have to come in to talk to the principal!” he freaked out.
“The only person that would have to come to the principal’s office would be Mr. Stark. He’s the one responsible for me now. And I’m pretty sure he’s wealthier  than Flash's parents.” 
Peter is the opposite of Flash.  He doesn’t come from a rich family, he’s not arrogant or privileged because of the money on his bank account.  He’s caring and does whatever he can to help anyone even when it’s not in his power. 
(Y/N) noticed that whenever an ambulance or a police car passes the school and its sirens reach to their classroom Peter’s eyes fly to the window and he gets all nervous and starts to wiggle in his chair.  He wants to go out there and be helpful. It surprised her how much he searches for danger. 
But his caring side stretches out even more. They meet up every week at least twice to do some school work. It benefits both of them. Peter can’t jump in his suit and go be Spider-Man since he has to stay and do his work plus help (Y/N). And she has a place without distractions (until Ned comes) and basically gets a tutor.
Peter is a great teacher. He explains everything with so much patience it amazes her. Seven times is his record in explaining one thing. 
They are slowly developing a tradition with aunt May. Every Thursday (Y/N) stays for dinner sometimes joined by Ned too. 
When May found out (Y/N) lived alone in her own apartment without any parental supervision she almost had a heart attack. Let’s say Mr. Stark had to deal with a very long furious phonecall but when he explained how everything works and how he makes sure that she’s got everything she needs it calmed her down at least a bit. 
For a moment she even considered having her move to the Parkers. In the end, they negotiated that she’ll be having dinner with them every Thursday and if she ever needed she can come to their place at any hour of the day. 
“24/7 calling service. If you ever need to talk I’m here for you sunshine.” May’s heartwarming smiles always lightened her mood. 
It’s obvious where Peter got his caring side from. 
It’s currently Wednesday 11PM which sounds like the best time to start writing an essay that’s due tomorrow right?  Thankfully for (Y/N), it was a history essay which shouldn’t be as hard. 
Legs hanging from her bed dangling in the rhythm of the song playing in her earbuds make her stay awake. 
Just ten minutes into vomiting words onto the page she hears a loud thud on her window that couldn’t drown in the beats of the music. 
(Y/N) turns to the window suddenly wide awake. It sounded like a bullet. Thankfully Mr. Stark made sure all the windows are going to be bulletproof so as long as they stay closed she’ll be fine. 
Her lazy ass didn’t close the blinds, therefore, the blood smeared handprint is the first thing she sees. 
She throws her laptop on the bed and runs over to the window. 
There he is. 
Lying on her fire escape stairs. 
Spider-Man.
“Peter?!” (Y/N) shrieks while tugging at the window to open it as wide as possible “Can you get up? I have to get you inside.” she holds her hand out and he shakily clutches it. 
It takes them a minute before Peter slips through the window into her warm room. 
His suit is torn on so many places it looks more like a weird piece of clothing sewed from rags. There’s dried up blood on all the cuts and fresh on his hands. Whoever he was fighting must have hit some of his suit's systems which were powering the heater since Peter was shivering.
“What the hell happened?!” 
While pulling off the Spider-Man mask he reveals his beaten up face full of bruises. He even managed to cut up his eyebrow. 
(Y/N) covers her mouth in shock and stares at him. 
“I-I’m sorry I couldn’t go home because May would have freaked out and I panicked! If she saw me like that-”
“Get that suit off and take a shower.” (Y/N) starts pushing him to the door.
Peter looks surprised at how calm her voice sounds all of a sudden and does as she tells him. 
(Y/N) gives him an old big unisex shirt that she wears at home to change into. She doesn’t have any pants for him here so he has to stay in his boxers. 
After ten minutes he comes back to her room looking ashamed of himself.  (Y/N) sits on her bed bitting her nails and nervously hitting the bed frame with her foot.  She was considering calling Tony or his aunt the whole time he was in the shower. What if he has internal bleeding or something else neither of them can recognize. 
“There was... a lot of blood... But I cleaned it all off! You don’t have to worry about it...” he whispers the last sentence. 
He feels bad for putting her under such pressure.
(Y/N) quickly stands up and walks over to him.
She touches his bicep “Are you hurt here?” 
“No-oww!” Peter whimpers when she punches him with all her strength. 
“What the hell were you thinking?! Who the fuck were you going against?! You should have called me for backup there’s strength in numbers! God, you’re such an idiot Peter what if something worse happened to you? Huh...? Start thinking before you go in!” 
Maybe I should have gone to aunt May, Peter thinks to himself. 
“And now sit down I have to sew up your eyebrow and disinfect all your wounds.” (Y/N) commands him still pissed off and he can’t do anything but listen.
“I’m sorry...” Peter whispers when (Y/N) sprays in his cuts.
“Am I missing any?” she completely ignores his apology which is a sign for him to try harder. 
“There’s one on my back. It bled the most.” he turns around and pushes his shirt up.
“Oh my god Peter...” (Y/N) mumbles lightly touching a giant gash on Peter’s back making him groan in pain “This is going to hurt badly but you have to take it. You should have bled out due to this but I think all your healing powers are concentrating on this big cut because it looks like it’s already sealing. I’m not even gonna sew it, it would have been unnecessary pain.” 
When they finish this painful thing they move on to sewing.  Peter isn’t the biggest fan of needles but he trusts (Y/N). He’s not sure where she learned to do it but when he sees how precisely she threads the eye of the needle he knows he’s in good hands. 
Their faces are inches away from each other now.
Ever since (Y/N) got him out of that...place Thanos put him in he trusted her with his life more than anyone. His first instinct was to go to her when he got hurt. He couldn’t help but feel safe around her.  The need to protect her was there too even though she proved that she’s more than capable of taking care of herself. 
Before he can organize all his thoughts she’s already cutting the thread and checking his eyebrow for the last time. 
“(Y/N) I am really sorry. I didn’t want to scare you like that. Honestly, it’s the last thing I wanted to do. I feel like an absolute idiot now.” Peter tries to apologize again.
“You are an idiot. But you always do the heroic thing, Peter... Always. And that’s one of the things I like about you. You sacrifice yourself for others, you never show off even when you have all the right to do it, whenever there’s a crime you’re there in a second and you don’t care if you have an army behind your back or if you’re all alone against a thousand bad guys. You’d still fight them. And that’s what heroes do. But that’s also what idiots do. And since May isn’t here,” she leans forward and kisses the sewed up cut on his eyebrow “Someone has to do it. It probably doesn’t have the same power as hers would but... At least something.” 
Peter’s heart starts racing. He gently takes her hand before she pulls away from him “Wait.” this is the first time she let him touch her without flinching since he’s been back in the world of the living.
Her skin is soft which makes Peter’s throat feel dry. 
He hears Ned’s, May’s and Michelle’s voices in his head. 
Dude! Kiss her! 
Come on Peter!
You’re brave enough to fight with a bunch of criminals but you don’t have the courage to kiss a girl? Don’t be a loser Parker.
Peter has the same puppy-eyed expression. His big hazel eyes looking right at her make her cheeks feel hot. 
“I-I just wanted to thank you for this. Not just this! But... but everything you do for me not just now but in school too and that you have my back and I can count on you when something happens and...” Peter knows he’s babbling again. There’s nothing he can do about it. This is just how he deals with nervousness. 
“I should be the one thanking you. If you didn't tutor me I would probably fail chemistry. With my skills? I’d be sent back to middle school.” (Y/N) chuckles. 
Peter is still holding her hand and it makes her skin burn with anticipation. 
“That was nothing really. I actually enjoyed it! Going through the basics again with you was fun so it’s not such a big deal! You do a lot more for me! I don’t know where I’d be without you (Y/N) and I just wanted to thank you for all-”
“Come on...” she interrupts him because it’s nerve-racking to listen to his nervous babbling.  
“What?” he’s dumbfoundedly looking at her with his big eyes. 
“Kiss me!” (Y/N) feels like she’s going to explode if she won’t finally feel his lips against hers. 
Peter’s face changes into the one she was slowly falling in love with over those two months. It’s full of deep affection, his torn up eyebrow turning just the right way and the way light glistens in his eyes...
He finally leans in and connects their lips. 
And did the fireworks explode at that moment?
No.
It feels like there are stars exploding inside them. No, galaxies! The whole universe just exploded and they are the only ones left.  Even though they are just two teenagers kissing in a room. That’s how it feels. 
Peter’s hand moves from her forearm to her shoulder. He always thought it would be awkward and he wouldn’t know what to do with his hands but they instinctively move to her neck pulling her even closer to him.
(Y/N) tangles her hand in his hair and cups his face with the other. She doesn’t want the kiss to end. This moment can’t end.
Peter is overflown with pleasure wrapping a hand around her waist drawing her closer. 
Eventually, they have to move away from each other both panting with hungry expressions.  The second their heads stop spinning both of Peter’s hands wrap around (Y/N)’s waist again and she plays with his hair.
He gently places her on the bed enjoying how she looks under him for a moment.  They both examine each other's faces from a new angle for a second and it seems they like the change. 
(Y/N) pulls Peter in for another kiss while she ventures with her hand under his shirt sending chills all over his body.  She starts to pull it up as a sign she wants it off and he understands perfectly. 
He puts all his weight on his knees and swiftly throws the shirt somewhere on the ground. Before he can steal another kiss (Y/N) puts her palm on his chest and stops him.
She sees his whole torso for the first time which looks like a minefield of bruises and cuts after tonight.
“You don’t have to worry... It almost doesn’t hurt... promise.” Peter mumbles. 
Seeing her wistful gaze makes him feel a whole new emotion he can’t explain yet.
(Y/N) changes their positions in one brisk movement being the one on top now. Peter looks almost shocked at the sudden change. Maybe even a little scared.
(Y/N) lowers her lips to his arm and gives a long kiss to one of the bigger bruises slowly making her way down his body treating every bruise the same. 
Peter can’t stop himself from letting out a few moans. This is the first time he’s experiencing something like this and it is so much better than he imagined it to be. 
She stops right at his bellybutton viewing a cut that’s just above his V-line. Peter notices she stopped so he opens his eyes and looks at her.  It takes him a second to realize what she’s thinking about. 
“We don’t have to do it. I would never pressure you into it, we don’t have to rush it.” he tries to reassure her. 
“I know.” she nods still buried in her thoughts “Just promise me you won’t endanger yourself like that again so that moment can actually happen.” her eyes lock with his. 
Peter stays silent. He’s not answering because they both know he can’t promise her that and he’s not going to lie to her either.
“I’d kiss your whole back too but I think that would be a weird position to be in..” (Y/N) moves up to his face “But I hope this will make up for it.” her lips slowly travel from his neck to his lips. 
This kiss is slower and they’re both enjoying it as much as possible. 
After a few more exchanges like this (Y/N) rests her head on Peter’s chest listening to his strong stable heartbeat.
He rests his chin on her head and breathes in the scent of her hair which overwhelms his senses. Seems like coconut is his favorite smell now. 
With their feet and hands tangled they both peacefully fall asleep.
Some risks were taken.
But there’s nothing to rush, right? 
Tag list: @adventurousbooknerd  @yafriendlyfangirl @royalestrellas
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chewytongue · 6 years
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All character solidifying Qs with Lou? Lou is my fave
1. How does you character think of their father? What do they hate and love about him? What influence- literal or imagined- did the father have?Lou used to have a good relationship with their dad before the divorce, their Dad is very caring and wants the best for them. After the divorce they’re really bitter towards him because he doesn’t manage to get custody and moves away. They feel like he abandoned them despite promising that he’d do everything he could to make sure their mom didn’t get custody and they stay mad at him for a really long time. They don’t see each other until Lou graduates high school and it’s a long process to patch things up between them. Lou has problems trusting people cause of that and also is weary about being openly queer since their father spent most of his life in the closet and didn’t receive overly positive reactions when he did come out.
2. Their mother? How do they think of her? What do they hate? Love? What influence- literal or imagined- did the mother have?They have a really bad relationship with her, she’s emotionally/mentally abusive and they take a lot of the things she says to heart. They don’t trust adults or people in positions of power because of her and are very self conscious and consider themselves a failure since she never gave them any positive reinforcements. They also can’t have someone yell at them without completely shutting down. There isn’t much they like about her other than the fact that no matter what she was a relentless bitch.
3. They don’t have any siblings
4. What type of discipline was your character subjected to at home? Strict? Lenient?Either there was no discipline, since overall their mother didn’t care what they did, or they’d get belittled/yelled at if they did something wrong/something that effected their mom (specifically her work/reputation).
5. Were they overprotected as a child? Sheltered?Absolutely not.
6. Did they feel rejection or affection as a child? Definitely rejection. Their dad gave them lots of affection before the divorce but the divorce happened when they were five so most of their childhood they were neglected.
7. What was the economic status of their family?Upper middle class, their mom’s a lawyer and made good money.
8. How does your character feel about religion?They have a very complicated relationship. They were raised catholic and used to go to church but stopped when they were 7 and started reading up on satanism. They like having a higher power to believe in and start going to church again when they’re older but still lean towards satanism.
9. What about political beliefs?They hate politics and I doubt they ever get their license to vote, if they do they probably just ask Ike who he’s voting for.
10. Is your character street-smart, book-smart, intelligent, intellectual, slow-witted?They don’t do well in school but they know a lot about the things they’re actually interested in, like religion and survival. I guess they’re intelligent? Idk.
11. How do they see themselves: as smart, as intelligent, uneducated?They consider themselves a dumbass because they measure that sort of stuff by the grades they received during school.
12. How does their education and intelligence- or lack thereof- reflect in their speech pattern, vocabulary, and pronunciations? Hmm. Well.. they use a lot of words like ‘dunno’ ‘y’know’ ‘shoulda’ etc. and they trip over their words sometimes. I wouldn’t say that reflects their intelligence though.
13. Did they like school? Teachers? Schoolmates?They hated school and didn’t try very hard so teachers were never overly fond of them. They were bullied for a while and weren’t very good at making friends, I think they actually went out of their way to avoid making friends.
14. Were they involved in school? Sports? Clubs? Debate? Were they unconnected?Nope. They did their best to fade into the background and go unnoticed.
15. Did they graduate? High school? College? Do they have a PHD? A GED?They graduated high school and that came as a surprise to them. They didn’t go to post-secondary.
16. What does your character do for a living? How do they like their profession? What do they like about it? Dislike?I actually decided that the job I have (a personal shopper) would be a great fit for them lmao. So that’s what they do, not forever cause they probably have to take a decent amount of time off to take care of themselves. They do graveyards since they hardly sleep anyway and so that they don’t have to interact with too many people so they don’t mind it overall, they do hate the occasional interaction with customers though.
17. Did they travel? Where? Why? When?They went to Disneyland before the divorce, just for a family vacation. They went to Toronto for their dad’s wedding after graduation. They’ve also been to Mexico with Mickey and Ike for Mickey’s cousin’s wedding sometime in their late 20s.
18. What did they find abroad, and what did they remember?They don’t remember much from their trip to Disneyland other than crying on the tea cup ride. In Toronto it was very awkward and they had a very bad mental breakdown during the reception. They spent an hour talking to Ike on the phone in the parking lot of a gas station across from where the reception was being held and drank a large slurpee. They probably threw up later that night from the alcohol from the wedding and all the sugar. In Mexico they ended up ‘reconnecting’ with god and also got a nice necklace from one of Mickey’s aunts. So like yeah they’ve had some good travel experiences.
19. What were your character’s deepest delusions? In life? What are they now?That their dad abandoned them, that they were going to die before they got to graduation, and that everything their mom said about them was tea™️. They also don’t believe that they’re capable of getting better.
20. Honest to god I ain’t got a clue they live in the same time we do.
21. What are your character’s manners like? What is their type of hero? Whom do they hate?They have very good manners when it comes to being polite people that are older than them but they can be pretty rude to people that are their age, especially if they don’t like them. They’re a big fan of the heroes in murder mysteries, specifically detectives like Poirot. And they hate a lot of people, specifically their middle school bullies and their mom, also politicians.
22. Who are their friends? Lovers? ‘Type’ or ‘ideal’ partner?Mickey and Ike are the only people they’ve had any sort of long lasting relationship with. Ike’s their best friend and has been since elementary school. They don’t really have a ‘type’, they’ve never considered what their type is since they never really got crushes and have only been in a relationship with Ike and Mickey. Overall, I&M are their ideal partners since they’re the only people they’ve ever felt comfortable with.
23. What do they want from a partner? What do they think and feel of sex?They kinda just want someone to chill with. They’re not big romance or sex, but they definitely don’t mind it, so long as their partner respects that they’re not always or often going to be down.
24. What social group and activities does your character attend? What role do they like to play? What role do they actually play usually?They attend group therapy on the rare occasion when Ike and/or Mickey drag them to it lmao??? They’re a wallflower and don’t take part in groups, they don’t like interacting with people.
25. What are their hobbies and interests?They love nature, they have lots of survival/plant/insect books, they’re also really into history, legends and witchcraft. They spend a lot of time in the woods and reading, mostly they read murder mysteries and try to figure out who the killer was before it’s revealed.
26. What does your character’s home look like? Personal taste? Clothing? Hair? Appearance?Their childhood home is medium sized, their room was upstairs and kinda a mess, they had lots of random junk in their room. They move into an apartment that they take better care of with Ike and Mickey’s help, they still keep a lot of random junk though. Their room is kinda crowded (in both houses). They like rooms to be darker and more filled cause it feels more cozy and makes them feel less vulnerable. They wear dark, concealing clothes, or they steal Mickey’s shirts, normally their tops are oversized. They’re hair is a mess and only looks decent because Mickey takes care of it for them. They’re pale and look very tired. Cause they are. Very tired.
27. How do they relate to their appearance? How do they wear their clothing? Style? Quality?They look like a disaster and they are. They start taking better care of themselves after they move out and when Mickey moves in and tries to make them put more effort into their appearance. Most of their clothes are thrifted, typically their pants are well fitted but their tops, specifically sweaters, are too big. They don’t have a specific style, but almost everything they wear are in dark shades.
28. Who is your character’s mate? How do they relate to them? How did they make their choice?Lmao I guess Ike and Mickey are their ‘mates’. They’re very different from both of them, they share some interests, Mickey’s into witchcraft and such spiritual things, and them and Ike have much history. They didn’t really ‘choose’ them it kinda just happened and I don’t think they’re sure how it happened, not that they’re going to complain.
29. What is your character’s weakness? Hubris? Pride? Controlling?They’re very distrusting, stubborn and don’t put much effort into anything. Also just very bad at communicating with people.
30. Are they holding onto something in the past? Can they forgive?They held onto the whole issue with their dad for most of their life but are working towards forgiving them; however, they can’t forgive how their mom treated them.
31. Nah son they don’t have kids.
32. How does your character react to stress situations? Defensively? Aggressively? Evasively?They either get too deep into their thoughts or dissociate, either way they’re probably shutting down.
33. Do they drink? Take drugs? What about their health?They don’t drink too often. The only drugs they take are antidepressants which they get when they’re 27, which they should’ve gotten sooner. Mentally their health is shit, they don’t take very good care of themselves either and can only run about three blocks before their out of breath.
34. Does your character feel self righteous? Revengeful? Contemptuous?Very much contemptuous.
35. Do they always rationalize errors? How do they accept disasters and failures?They just stopped giving a shit in grade 7.
36. Do they like to suffer? Like to see these people suffering?They don’t exactly like to suffer but they definitely make themselves suffer cause they think it’s what they deserve. They don’t like seeing other people suffer but of course there’s some people they wouldn’t mind seeing get tortured.
37. How is your character’s imagination? Daydreaming a lot? Worried most of the time? Living in memories?They spent a lot of time daydreaming about running away/disappearing. If not that their mind is full of invasive thoughts or completely blank.
38. Are they basically negative when facing new things? Suspicious? Hostile? Scared? Enthusiastic?They’re definitely weary about most new things, but not outright negative about them.
39. What do they like to ridicule? What do they find stupid?Themselves!! Haha!!
40. How is their sense of humour? Do they have one?They enjoy dark humour? Or like.. very odd humour. They might laugh at a really good pun or meme from time to time though.
41. Is your character aware of who they are? Strengths? Weaknesses? Idiosyncrasies? Capable of self-irony?They aren’t completely aware of what they could be capable of if they tried harder, but they’re very much aware of the state that they’re currently in they just don’t think that there’s a way to get out of it.
42. What does your character want most? What do they need really badly, compulsively? What are they willing to do, to sacrifice, to obtain?I guess they want freedom. They’d willingly sacrifice relationships, and cut people out of their life, to obtain it. I guess they’d also sacrifice their life since they see death as the only way they’ll ever achieve true freedom??
43. Does your character have any secrets? If so are they holding them back?Uh I can’t think of anything specific but yeah they have secrets. They keep a lot to themselves and if anyone is gonna know it’s gonna be Ike but sometimes he’s only going to know the bare minimum.
44. How badly do they want to obtain their life objectives? How do they pursue them?They don’t work very hard to get what they want, they’ll do small things but if it’s going to take a lot of effort they’re more likely to find away around it or just give up.
45. Is your character pragmatic? Think first? Responsible? All action? A visionary? Passionate? Quixotic?They think first, but a lot of the time they don’t like the make decisions themselves.
46. Is your character tall? Short? What about size? Weight? Posture? How do they feel about their physical body?Uhh.. I’m still considering what their exact height is.. 5’7” ish? So they’re about average height maybe? They’re thin cause they don’t eat very well. And overall not a big fan of their physical form.
47. Do they want to project an image of a younger, older, more important person? Do they want to be visible or invisible?I guess they don’t really care what sort of image they project, they just don’t want to be noticed. An image that says ‘leave me the fuck alone’ perhaps?
48. How are your character’s gestures? Vigorous? Weak? Controlled? Compulsive? Energetic? Sluggish?Very restrained, normally they touch their arms/hands/neck a lot.
49. What about their voice? Pitch? Strength? Tempo and rhythm or speech? Prononciation? Accent?Their voice is raspy and quiet, sometimes they trip over their words.
50. What are their prevailing facial expressions? Sour? Cheerful? Dominating?Sour/tired.
Holy guacamole that took a long time but thank you so much I’m glad that you like Lou!!!!
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tiny-little-bird · 7 years
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Jon and Sansa grew up as siblings, they've always seen each other as brother and sister, you really don't you think that would be a big obstacle for Jonsa? I should add that I'm not a Jonsa shipper, I only ship Gendrya in the show and I'm curious to know how and why you don't think that they would just forget about being brother and sister.
Because they never saw eachother as such, not really. 
Sansa was as distant from Jon as anyone could be, she avoided him like the plague, she never saw him as a brother, even though she would call him her “half bastard brother”
Sansa aspired to be Cat 2.0 Cat was her role model growing up, so she emulated her, she emulated her hatred and her despise for Jon, therefore she was never close to him, and he was never close to her, they never shared the brotherly and sisterly love/affection/relashionship like her other siblings, they never shared a scene in the books/show, never had dialogue, she always kept him at a distance. 
Sansa treated him as she would a stranger, worse actually, she was as she said an “ass” towards him, she thought him inferior to her, due to his bastard status, and she didn’t think of him as part of her family.
Jon was often observing her, calling her “radiant” while walking by Joffrey’s side. He’s always wanted her affection, her approval, just like he wanted Cat’s, he longed for it, but he never got it, they were the only ones keeping him at distance. So yeah he never had the chance to develop a sibling like relationship with Sansa, she was his sister in name, and name only, and that was it. 
Jonsa will happen in the books too, that’s why George had Sansa, and Jon be the only ones estranged while growing up, it was for this very reason.
When Jon and Sansa met again at castle black, they met as two complete strangers. 
Yes, they recognized each other, but not really. In their reunion scene, where Sansa is having supper, Jon looks at Sansa as if he’s thinking, she looks like Sansa, but she’s completely different. He already knew her very little, and now all those things he knew her for, are gone, leaving her a complete stranger to him.
This woman in front of him, who used to be mean to him as a child, who used to keep him at a distance, who to him, is behaving in a completely different way towards him, showing him affection and acceptance, smiling to him, chatting with him. All things she would’ve never done as a child. He’s taken aback by it, he’s taken aback by her. 
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You can see just how intrigued he is by her. In pretty much, every scene he’s had with her in season 6, he is always studying her, observing her, looking at her. Again, what I get from him in S6 is, “She looks like the Sansa that I wached grow up before my eyes, but she’s not, she thinks differently, she behaves and acts differently, she’s a completely different person”, she looks familiar, but at the same time she doesn’t. And same thing goes for her, even more so. Jon would observe her, when they were at Winterfell, but Sansa did no such thing, she had no interest in him, nor in observing him. He is more a stranger to her, than she is to him. 
So, we have two people, two strangers who come together, after both of them, in the course of 5 years, went to hell and back.
Sansa has been raped, tortured and beaten by Ramsay, everyday, for months, and before that she was kept hostage in Kingslanding, where she was tormented abd humiliated her, and when she managed to escape, she was brought to the vale, and her aunt almost killed her, the both of them didn’t get a break for 5 years, and they had to go through it all, on their own.
Jon was just murdered by the men who he thought were his brothers, and was brought back to life, had to hang a boy, and had lost all hope and will to live.
When they found eachother again, no matter how estranged they were to eachother, they still poured their hearts out to one another, they comforted eachother, they helped each other, they took care of each other, because despite not knowing eachother, they both shared their love towards Arya, Bran, Rickon, Robb and Ned, it’s the one thing that linked them. 
But still, you don’t magically become brother and sister in a few months. They have become very close, but their relashionship does not have sibling dynamics, it has a companionship and partnership feel to it.
Sansa cares for him, because he’s linked to her childhood, he’s linked, to happiness, to the bliss that was her life before leaving Winterfell, and same thing goes for Jon. 
She’s found safety with him, she knows he would die for her, he would die protecting her, he’s basically the valiant, brave hero/knight she’s always dreamed of. 
“But now that they reunited, she thinks he’s/she sees him as her (half)brother.” 
I know, but can you blame this poor girl, after the living hell she’s been through, for involuntarily developing feelings for a man, who is the living embodiment of what she’s always wanted in a man? He’s shown her love, kindness, he gave her security, which she hasn’t felt since her father was executed. She trusts him wholeheartedly that he will NEVER hurt her in any way. If you blame her for it, idk man… If you don’t think that it’s possible, for her to develop these feelings, even if she knows/thinks it’s wrong, then again, idk what to tell you…
What did Jaimie say? “We don’t choose whom we love.” Sansa will never act on these feelings, not as long as she thinks he’s her brother, same goes for Jon, the Starks are too honorable, but that doesn’t change the fact, that the feelings are there.
“But he thinks she’s his (half)sister.”, again, can you blame Jon for developing feelings for her, when he was murdered in cold blood, then resurrected, and after being resurrected, SHE, the once little girl who never accepted him, was the one giving him hope again, giving him something/someone to fight for, she was the one giving him purpose, and getting him out of the depression he was succumbing into? Can you blame him for developing these feelings? Cause I sure don’t.
They both feel conflicted, but it’s something they can’t do anything about, it’s out of their control.
In a short span of time, Sansa became Jon’s everything and viceversa. They became each other’s confidants, strength, happiness, they became each other’s pillars, keeping each other from falling apart, they pieced each other back together. 
What I see when I watch their scenes, is that they’re both confused by how they feel for eachother, they know it’s different and not how they should normally feel, they both know that it is different from what, for example Sansa felt for Robb and from what Jon felt for Arya. 
Despite getting close and spending time with each other, there is this awkwardness and tension between them, that if their relationship was meant to come off as platonic it shouldn’t be there. 
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And that forehead kiss he gave her. Listen, if he had smiled at her sweetly and she had done the same, like Ned and Arya did, when Ned sweetly kissed her on the forehead, then yes, I would’ve/might’ve thought, okay, that’s a platonic kiss, but no, they linger on eachother’s lips, both of them, twice, the kiss lasts waaay too long, too (4 seconds), Jon even closes his eyes, as you can see below, Ned doesn’t. Both Sansa and Jon. had these ambiguous, serious, intense expressions on their faces. 
I’ve shown the forehead kiss to many people who don’t watch GoT and all of them were like, “whoa, he’s so intense, the way he looks at her, man.”, so yeah, no, that scene was not meant to give us platonic vibes, and to top it, to give even a more romantic, ambiguous vibe to the audience, snow was slowly falling around them. 
Just see for yourself, look at how different these kisses are. The first one is a sweet, affectionate kiss, from a father to his daughter, and the second, well, it’s not a brother and sister forehead kiss, Sansa’s and Jon’s forehead kiss scene was intense af.
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They have no idea wth is going on with these feelings, with their emotions. I think both of them are partly in denial, they try to shove these feelings away, but are unable to, they can’t help it, they’ve been through a lot together, shared their sorrows, and helped eachother, Sansa by helping him to get back to his old self, and Jon by restoring her faith in men. They both realize they’d be perfect for each other, and they truly are, they complement each other so beautifully, but they cannot be, because they’re brother and sister, and that’s all they can be, that is, until the big reveal will happen in season 8.
Jon loves her, choking Littlefinger the way he did, as soon as he said “I love Sansa, as I loved her mother”, confirmed that, he snapped, we have never heard Jon, literally, growl in an animalistic way like that before, never. Even a simple mention of her, visibly irritates/bothers him, he’s territorial, he behaves as if she were his, as if she were off limits to anyone, but him. 
And Sansa, she initiates touches with him, harm grabbing, hand holding, she’s a rape victim, a rape/torture survivor, but she trusts him, fully, so much so, she even lets, HIM, touch her, caress her head, and kiss her on the forehead.
There is a reason why they were never close as children, why they never shared a scene together, and why they were the first ones to reunite. I’d like to also add, early on, Sophie asked the directors, why she had to dye her hair red, she was told, that her hair being red, is and will be very important for the plot. Now, Bran has auburn hair, Robb has auburn hair, and so does Rickon, if I remember correctly, and yet, Sophie was the only one who had to dye her hair red. We all know Jon has a thing for redheads, so yeah, when you put all these little details together, it becomes more and more obvious where D&D are going with Jon and Sansa.
Jon and Sansa when were younger, wanted believed in the same things, had similar dreams and aspirations. 
Jon wanted to prove himself, and to do so he decided to leave his home, to become a brother of the night’s watch, which is a sort of knight, I believe they’re also referred to as black nights. He always dreamed about having a family, a wife, children of his own, a son named Robb. 
And Sansa, she wanted to become Queen, and therefore leaves for Kingslanding with Ned. In her dreams, her children look like the brothers she has lost, there is even a girl that looks like Arya. Jon looks like Lyanna, Arya looks like Lyanna, Jon and Arya look alike, Sansa’s dream might be foreshadowing, that Jon and Sansa will have a daughter someday, a daughter that will resemble her younger sister, Sansa has predominant Tully genes, Jon has predominant Stark genes, so yeah, it’s possible all their children will look like Sansa, red hair, blue eyes, with the exception of the girl from her dreams that looks like Arya, that takes after Jon.
Do I think that they’ll forget about the fact they’re brother and sister? 
They started to acknowledge each other as brother and sister, a few months ago, because in everyone’s eyes, that’s what they are, but what they feel for each other isn’t brotherly and sisterly love, and they both know it, we can see it by watching their body language
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by their lingering stares 
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by watching the way they fight, which is literally like a married couple. 
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So I believe setting aside the “omg he’s/she’s still my brother/sister” won’t hard for them at all, because they don’t see each other as brother and sister, they have strong repressed feelings for eachother, I think the news will liberate them both, and free them from the guilt.
I don’t know, if they know, that they both feel the same for each other, but I bet my hat, both of them are at war with themselves, thinking, why am I feeling this, what is up with these feelings, what is wrong with me, Sansa would be disgusted/Jon would be disgusted, if she/he knew I thought of her/him this way. 
So they keep it to themselves, and what we get as a result, is an awkwardness and sexual tension, that is seen among two people who are in love with one another, but that can’t/won’t confess their love to each other, because they are afraid etc., so they try to suppress it, and that makes it worse lol It makes both people act rather foolish, awkward, tense and frustrated around each other. Frustration is another thing you can see between Sansa and Jon, they frustrate each other 🙈
So yeah, this is my take on their relashionship. I see them as each other’s companion, they have a partner like relashionship, I get no sibling vibes from them, they clearly have ferlings for each other, their scenes are shot too romantically, and hell, they are full of romantic tropes too.
They’re going to both be hit by even stronger waves emotions once the secret about Jon’s parents gets out. I’m really looking forward to see how their dynamic will change, because oh my, if it will drastically change. I feel like after suppressing their feelings for so long, they’re both going to explode (not literally lol a figure of speech) when the secret get’s out lol
Whoa I think I’ve rambled enough, I’ll stop here. 😅😅
Thank you for the ask dear anon, hope my answer satisfied you.
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Lynn 96
I feel so physically exhausted right now. I was literally shaking the entire therapy session and now I feel like my body is just completely drained. I got to session and showed Lynn my Halloween costume which she was super excited for and said I did such a good job and it was so cute and she was like where did you get your costume from because she helps with costume design for shows in her area and I told her my husband bought it on Amazon. She said that made sense and she hadn’t even thought of that but that the top of my elf it would have been perfect for something they had done last year and I said that it was a dress but I guess since she is into selling she probably could have cut the bottom off and just use the top or something. She said definitely and she asked what we ended up doing for Halloween. I said that we ended up helping out in my churches trunk or treat but that we went across the street to the neighbors and had a bonfire in their driveway on Halloween and got to meet some people in the neighborhood. She said that was cool and she asked if people recognized me and I said well I think they mainly thought I was the Wizard of Oz and she was like well I guess they are taking the same thing and I was like yeah technically him and I told her about the kid in the bounce house you ask me if I was a good witch or a bad witch and I said good witch and she said if you say so and Lynn laughed. I said all in all it was a good time and I think it was kind of interesting because you know I was an allowed to celebrate Halloween is a kid so it’s odd trying to celebrate it now and she was like in the healing way and I was like yeah I guess so and I explained how as a kid I can remember feeling so angry because I Had to be pulled out of my classes anytime they were doing a Halloween activity and how I’m currently working with a Jehovah’s Witness client and it was interesting reflecting on everything they were saying and how much that mirrors my own experience and how I can remember being in music class and they were singing five pumpkins on a gate and I remember feeling so angry because I was so confused as to why that was a bad song and I wanted to stay so bad but I wasn’t allowed to. And also how I had to hand out candy to all of the trick-or-treaters who were allowed to celebrate and have a good time and how I can remember sitting with Michelle on her lawn and going through her candy and she would give me anything that she didn’t like and how nice that was of her and how I would always try to finagle my way into getting more of her candy so that way I can have more food to horde. She said that makes sense that it would mess me up and I said hell I guess it was just nice to know that I could be able to celebrate it now and there were times and it made me uncomfortable like before hand I asked several people like is it OK to be a witch at a church event and they would joke and be like where Methodists it’s fine and I really did not feel judged at all by anyone and that’s so different than the way I grew up so I guess it was nice to see that not all branches of Christianity are crazy like that. She said absolutely and I said this weekend was homecoming so I got to see a lot of people that I don’t normally get to see and it was just really nice because Sierra stayed with me and we were able to have a good time and I was honestly just so surprised by how nice it was and I wasn’t sure if it’s because we are all older now or if it’s because we haven’t seen each other in so many years but there wasn’t that awkward like popularity contest or feeling like can you add only hang out with certain people or you were being charged for trying to join a group that was in your group like everyone was just genuinely really nice to everyone and it was just good to see everyone. I told her about how I’ve had a lot of anxiety leading up to it and a lot of nightmares about gaining weight including the one that went as far as Me killing myself in that nightmare and that’s never happened before. I said otherwise things have just been kind of busy but there was also a memory that came up that really bothered me that has still been coming up and bothers me so we probably need to process that at some point and she was like well what was the memory and then I got super awkward and I started shaking and I was like well I was like 14 and my mom had taken me to the doctor because I had got my period and have gained a lot of weight in a short amount of time Because originally I was 5 foot seven and only 99 pounds so I looked grossly under weight originally but then I got my period and I gained like 30 pounds and it was all basically hips and boobs and my mom had taken me to the doctor because she was worried that I had gained too much weight and the doctor had pretty much just said I was so underway before him that it was perfectly fine and healthy for me to have gained that much weight and that they would keep an ion it in case if it kept going but at the moment it was just healthy and so a few months later we went to Florida and so my family and in front of everyone my aunt said that I because originally I was 5 foot seven and only 99 pounds so I looked grossly underweight originally but then I got my period and I gained like 30 pounds and it was all basically hips and boobs and my mom is taking me to the doctor because she was worried that I had gained too much weight and the doctor had pretty much just said I was so underway before him that it was perfectly fine and healthy for me to have gained that much weight and that they would keep an ion it in case if it kept going but at the moment it was just healthy and so a few months later we went to Florida and saw my family and in front of everyone my aunt said that I got titties now and I can remember her and everyone laughing at me I’m just feeling so mortified and she was asking where did my titties come from and how after they left the room my cousin kept asking to touch my boobs and I kept saying no and she grab them anyway and I just remember feeling so anxious and embarrassed and mortified and I was like I don’t even know why this bothers me so much but I was just so and Lynn was like ashamed? And I was like yeah and she was like well maybe it’s all connected if it’s coming up what are you think and I was like probably and she was like because we were talking about you know liking yourself and mattering and maybe this is part of it and why it’s coming up and I said yeah maybe because lately my anxiety around my body has been so bad and I was thinking it was just because of homecoming but now that I’m thinking about it honestly it’s probably not because it was just so excessive with the nightmare of killing myself and with how anxious I was like even the other day when my husband saw me get out of the shower and he obviously likes my body and I was so anxious and he was like what the heck I should be able to admire your body I think you’re beautiful and I was just so anxious and covered myself and it’s like I don’t know why all of that shame is there. She said hm Well why don’t we go with that so why don’t you grab the toppers because I don’t have a light bar yet and we can go with that memories and that’s what’s coming up and bothering you and be curious how that fits in with our target where last time I matter was feeling like at three so I said OK. We did EMDR and what I remember is probably out of order as usual. I noticed that I was shaking and felt super anxious and then I don’t even know why and I don’t know why I had so much anxiety about puberty and wait game and having boobs and hips and Lynn was like be curious about that and I was like I mean I guess because at least partially I always felt like I was the brunt of my families jokes and I recalled my mom and her sister is laughing at me for getting hips and pointing it out while I was at a Chucky cheese birthday party for my cousin and how mortified I was that they were all just standing there laughing at me. I noticed how when they ripped me apart on Christmas Eve I had so much anxiety and I remember putting my plate down in walking to the bathroom in my face was bright red and just bursting into tears and stepping on the scale and vowing to never be that fat again. I noticed how I don’t even know why I had so much anxiety about puberty because I remember my best friend Michelle was always so excited and couldn’t wait to have a period Ann couldn’t wait to get boobs in she would step tissues and her trainer bra and I was freaking out about it and I can remember that I didn’t tell anyone when I got my period but my mom freaking told Michelle remember it started a big fight Michelle went home because she was so mad that I didn’t tell her and I have no reason not to tell her other than I was just so anxious about it and felt like there was something wrong with me and I don’t know where I got that believe that there was something wrong with me from because I don’t remember my mom ever even talking to me about puberty and I don’t remember learning about it but I do remember Michelle being pumped about it so I would think that I would feel the opposite. Lynn asked me what puberty would mean for somebody and I said I mean I guessed weekend and she pointed out sexual development and she asked if that fit for me with fearing the sexual development part and I was like honestly I don’t remember having anxiety about that type of thing but I do remember getting a lot of attention for my body and interpreting it so negatively even though outside of my family it wasn’t interpreted negatively. I noticed how LaDonna had made the comment to me when I was 12 or 13 about how the only reason that I was skinny was because I didn’t have my period yet and I would get fat Like the rest of them when I did and I don’t know if that was what made me anxious about it because I knew my parents would react poorly to wait gain? Idk. I explained how I don’t know how I would’ve known what to expect with how they would have interpreted weekend though because I never saw anyone close to us gain weight because when my brother had his chubby face he was 13 so I would have been 17 at the time. I explained how I don’t know how I would’ve known what to expect with how they would have interpreted waking though because I never saw anyone close to us gain weight because with my brother hit his chubby face he was 13 so I would have been 17 at the time. Lynn asked me what I would say to my daughter about puberty and I gave her a very textbook answer about how it’s normal to gain weight and it’s a part of growing up and becoming a woman and being able to have children and Lynn was like that was very textbook what would you say if it was your daughter coming to you and she’s distressed about gaining weight and I was like well shit I would hope that my kid doesn’t feel that way and that I had already addressed that before hand but I mean I would just say like it’s normal and there’s not anything wrong with her for it and it was one of those moments I could tell I wasn’t giving them the answer she was looking for so she kept going. She was like well what would you say to that kid and I was like probably that her mom sucks end mom should have told or something because my mom never said anything about it and when I did get myperiod It was like She literally opened up the cabinet in the bathroom pointed to where everything was and went back to bed and we just literally never talked about it again. She asked me what I would want to tell my future daughter about it and I was really struggling to come up with something and I was like honestly I don’t know like I think I was going to just read a book about it or something because I have such a hard time knowing what you’re supposed to say because I don’t think I’ve ever had a normal conversation about it she literally opened up the cabinet in the bathroom pointed to where everything was and went back to bed then we just literally never talked about it again. She asked me what I would want to tell my future daughter about it and I was really struggling to come up with something and I was like honestly I don’t know like I think I was going to just read a book about it or something because I have such a hard time knowing what you’re supposed to say because I don’t think I’ve ever had a normal conversation about it and the closest thing I’ve had is that conversation with Michelle over the years which I don’t even know if you count that as normal. She told me to notice that and I noticed how I can remember standing in front of the mirror has a 14-year-old kid just crying and wishing I could get rid of my boobs and go back to being that underweight kid. I noticed myself feeling really anxious thinking about my body and how it just doesn’t make sense to me that I had so much anxiety about having a feminine body because the rest of society thought that was a good thing and she was like but not your family and I was like yeah apparently not because that was like a joking matter to them and I noticed how much I hate feeling and experiencing shame and embarrassment and I noticed how that’s the same shame that I felt as a little kid when I had stood in the hallway and saw all of my aunts talking about me and when I have been crying from my phobia and feeling so out of control but also I guess the difference was that back then I literally had no control or I noticed myself feeling really anxious thinking about my body and how it just doesn’t make sense to me that I had so much anxiety about having a feminine body because the rest of society thought that was a good thing and she was like but not your family and I was like yeah apparently not because that was like a joking matter to them and I noticed how much I hate feeling and experiencing shame and embarrassment and I noticed how that’s the same shame but I felt as a little kid when I had stood in the hallway and saw all of my aunts talking about me when I have been crying from my phobia and feeling so out of control but also I guess the difference was that back then I literally had no control or ability to fix my phobia response but with my body I could control it and avoid being fat and embarrassing. I noticed that I feel like I’ve spent the last several years of my life trying to avoid feeling ashamed or embarrassed. I noticed how Michelle was always so jealous of my boobs and wanted to have my body and I don’t know why I was always just so ashamed of it and wanted to hide and disappear. I noticed that I feel like I’ve spent the last several years of my life trying to avoid feeling ashamed or embarrassed. I noticed how Michelle was always so jealous of my boobs and wanna dab my body and I don’t know why I was always just so ashamed of it and wanted to hide and disappear. I said I’m sure my extended family doesn’t know that I’m still talking about this shit in therapy and they probably don’t even remember that Christmas Eve. I told Lynn that I had started my period on Christmas Eve as well so it always seems like Christmas Eve was an omen. I said I’m sure my extended family doesn’t know that I’m still talking about this shit and they’re being they probably don’t even remember that Christmas Eve. I told him that I had started my period on Christmas Eve as well so it always seem like Christmas Eve was an omen. I said that I can still picture hearing my aunts laughter and it bothers me. I said how I remembered looking to my mom to defend me and she never dead and how if it was my kid for one I would definitely stand up for them and tell somebody that those jokes or an OK and I would never make my kids body the brunt of the joke. I also mentioned how In college and my sorority there was this little interclub dedicated to big breasted women and I was in that so I’m a little more comfortable with it now but it’s still all gives me anxiety and the fact that I was shaking in session and my heart was racing tells me that I obviously still have shit to deal with there. I notice myself feeling angry when I thought about the Christmas Eve incident with everyone making fun of me for getting the freshman 15, in my case 16th because that was a normal event but also because there’s a part of me that knows that I didn’t deserve that and if I can go back to that bathroom with that 18-year-old kid I would tell her that she didn’t deserve to be made fun of like that and no one deserves to be made fun of like that over their body and it made me mad too because I was like I was a healthy weight and I’ve always been a healthy weight even then I was 149 pounds but I’m also 5 foot nine so it’s like I’ve always been healthy but they were just ripping on me as if I wasn’t and meanwhile one of my aunts three of her four kids are super overweight and also my uncle who was laughing at me. But then I had that really sad feeling of I don’t matter because I thought about the fact that on Christmas Eve I had to put my plate down and didn’t finish eating and my face turned red and I went straight to the bathroom which was right next to the kitchen so it’s not like they didn’t know and I think everyone’s assumption would be if you make fun of someone and they turn red and disappear into the bathroom there probably in there crying, but literally nobody bothered to check on me and I was in there for a while because I was trying to make it look like I wasn’t crying and I just member standing there and just looking at myself and picking apart my body and absolutely hating myself and I feel sad for that kid because any eighteen -year-old kid crying in the bathroom on Christmas Eve hating themselves after being made fun of by their family is just really fucking sad and the fact that nobody gave a shit. She had me notice the sadness and what it might take to get rid of that shame and I said other than therapy maybe standing up for myself with them and I thought about DBT opposite action and how I should take care of myself even when the thoughts come up that I shouldn’tor that I don’t deserve to and she said to notice the sadness and how hard that was for an eighteen year old kid and then she said we were at a good transitioning place and I told her about how I had completely forgotten but I remember looking through the bathroom cabinet desperate to find anything that I could cut myself with because I just wanted to stop feeling so miserable but my aunt didn’t have anything I could use in her bathroom. She said she wanted me to take some time this week to notice how that Shane has really permeated so many different parts of my life and what it might be like to get rid of that shame. She said when the Shane comes up to take some time to notice it and to replace that Shaenfield moment with a positive self love statement and I’m pretty sure I was just staring at her and she was like even if you don’t believe it I want you to do it anyway and I said OK and she said because it’s possible to get better and it’s going to take some time and work and I said OK I hope so and she said it will. She was like we will keep working on and I think we are making some good progress and I said I agreed and she asked if I’ve done yoga and I said yeah the one time a week and I said But yesterday was for a very short time because I was a little bit hung over and she laughed and was like well that makes sense and I was like yeah but I had a feeling you would ask so I wanted to make sure that I did it and she was like well maybe you can bump that up this week and I was like yeah I can maybe. She told me that there was a book she wants me to read that she thinks I will find it very interesting it’s not actually by therapist or doctor but she took it out of her bag and then told me to take a picture of it so I was like OK and I took the picture and she said she’s curious to know what my thoughts are because it’s all about depression and anxiety and some of those causes and I said OK. I didn’t tell her that I would or wouldn’t read it because I don’t really think I have time but why not. We scheduled for next time, and we skipped the week of Thanksgiving because she said she will be really busy and trying not to work that week and I said that’s fine and then she mentioned The book again and how it mentions antidepressant and how they are overprescribe and I said yeah because he can be matched with the placebo and astronomically large amount of the time and she pointed to her head and said it’s in the brain. I said goodbye and headed out.
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somethingsomean · 7 years
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lol holy fuck
7/18/2017 5:58:53 PM] girl: Also i have a massive caffeine headache WOW [7/18/2017 5:59:49 PM] girl: But the one on the far left is "baby girl" and the on on the right is "halo" and the little black one is "the end", who was going to be the very last beanie baby but ended up not being [7/18/2017 7:35:09 PM] girl: I also cant stop thiniing abt this horrible image [7/18/2017 10:46:32 PM] girl: Sorry to do this again i wasnt planning on it but um [7/18/2017 10:46:46 PM] girl: You will never guess what i just found on a couch outside and took home [7/18/2017 10:47:44 PM] girl: HIM [7/19/2017 4:09:49 AM] girl: Srry bout messaging you incessantly but im feelinf the Appointment Anxiety and a bit bored and i have to be awake at niiine. And I'm weeping, openly [7/20/2017 11:46:17 PM] girl: I really do wanna fuk lana del rey [7/21/2017 2:29:11 AM] aj: I feel like she'd be a dead fish of a lay, and I have no idea why. [7/21/2017 2:31:23 AM] girl: She's a really weird woman [7/21/2017 2:31:39 AM] girl: Unimportant, did you see my free crab [7/21/2017 2:31:46 AM] aj: I did. [7/21/2017 2:32:13 AM] aj: I approve, though I am still in shock that you can handle that when it is a crustacean. [7/21/2017 2:32:23 AM] girl: I almost couldn't [7/21/2017 2:32:39 AM] girl: But he's really soft and has normal eyes and most importantly no mouth [7/21/2017 2:33:18 AM] girl: I put The End on top of him and called the picture. Fifth horseman of the apocalypse [7/21/2017 2:33:27 AM] girl: Dark omen [7/21/2017 2:33:43 AM] aj: Spooky. [7/21/2017 2:34:10 AM] aj: So my potential roomie is probably backing out, and with less than a month before uni starts, I'm suddenly having to price 1bed/1bath apartments. [7/21/2017 2:34:27 AM] aj: It's within my budget and savings, but it's still got me more anxious. [7/21/2017 2:34:40 AM] aj: It's also really annoying because I wasn't expecting him to bitch out like this. [7/21/2017 2:34:48 AM] girl: Prices are so fucking bad here lol [7/21/2017 2:35:12 AM] girl: Esp on campus (´ ∀ ` *). Good thing im not paying rent thanks bfs daddy [7/21/2017 2:35:22 AM] aj: lel [7/21/2017 2:35:42 AM] girl: caucasian voice daddys money [7/21/2017 2:35:47 AM] aj: Anyways, living on my own soon again. [7/21/2017 2:36:02 AM] aj: and I realize how little I actually need in my life, which feels nice. [7/21/2017 2:36:18 AM] girl: I just always imagine you living with your sister bc of how much you truly seemed to dislike living with her [7/21/2017 2:36:33 AM] aj: We actually are really cool nowadays. [7/21/2017 2:36:43 AM] girl: Thats good [7/21/2017 2:38:05 AM] aj: While I was having lunch today, it struck me that part of the reason I'm offputting to people is because of reciprocation.  People build relationships with each other in part because each can satisfy a need the other has. [7/21/2017 2:38:13 AM] aj: I really... don't desire much from other people. [7/21/2017 2:38:37 AM] aj: Most of my needs are within my power to meet? [7/21/2017 2:40:28 AM] aj: I just realize that I'm a successful introvert, and I'll be moving in extrovert fields, lol great planning me. [7/21/2017 2:42:21 AM] girl: I feel like men mostly seem not to think about that kind of thing so much. Certain kinds of men, anyway. I'm trying to think of what i was saying, saying saying... I think that I never understood when boys said to me that I was too good or too nice, and that it demonstrates weirdly this kind of profound inconsideration for people, usually girls in my Experience, who really do love one another [7/21/2017 2:43:42 AM] girl: Which is off putting, to me, I guess, because i find complacency in nihilistic and depressing thoughts kind of insulting or boring. Also im sure youll be fine [7/21/2017 2:43:48 AM] girl: You're very charming [7/21/2017 2:44:34 AM] aj: I'm not particularly worried about my well-being, it's just something that caught my attention.  I appreciate you saying I'm charming, though.  It's nice of you. [7/21/2017 2:45:04 AM] aj: I think guys say a lot of "you're too nice" due to esteem issues, or because they have no idea how to treat someone who is nice to them. [7/21/2017 2:45:12 AM] girl: It works on me most times, so you must be doing something rigjt there [7/21/2017 2:45:18 AM] aj: Or because if they reciprocate, they worry they'll give too little or too much. [7/21/2017 2:47:32 AM] girl: I think so too, but I also think it's kind of boring and lazy. Maybe I'm being too mean or impatient but I really really really do get caught up in trying to demonstrate being loving and nice and thoughtful bc im uh, stockholmed, and feel bad for emotionally stunted men who remind me of other unfortunate men in my life, but, idk. It never ends well and it seems mostly like its not really my fault [7/21/2017 2:47:47 AM] aj: Interestingly, if guys can get past their stigma over being perceived as homosexual, they tend to form stronger relational bonds than women do.  At least in my experience.  I know that sounds terrible, but I'm just saying how I've seen the world, more than making value judgements. [7/21/2017 2:48:01 AM] girl: Or my job, though I do wish in my heart every day it was my job, and that i did it good [7/21/2017 2:48:16 AM] aj: I've seen a lot of women relationships and sisterhoods fragment over incredibly stupid shit. [7/21/2017 2:48:59 AM] aj: Which, maybe it's important to them, but guys at least tend to look a little guilty when they backstab other guys.  I've seen women fight and backstab, and it just looks so cold. [7/21/2017 2:49:31 AM] girl: Being hurt by other women is sad too [7/21/2017 2:50:38 AM] girl: But when men hurt me it feels different and worse and more at my expense than theirs, and even if its not true that men are worse, i think my life has really improved by just setting the bar much [7/21/2017 2:50:42 AM] girl: Much lower [7/21/2017 2:51:01 AM] aj: I can understand that. [7/21/2017 2:51:35 AM] girl: I feel like [7/21/2017 2:52:32 AM] girl: When a girl has hurt me I've been able to at least put myself in her shoes and understand why she did, save for some really crazy asshole women but like thats usually with crazy asshole women who are a lot older and more Christian than i am [7/21/2017 2:53:29 AM] girl: My crazy fucking aunt sent me a bunch of texts abt me needing to... [7/21/2017 2:53:35 AM] aj: Hahahaha, that's the way I feel towards guys.  Guys who have wronged me, I can put myself in their shoes.  I can understand their motivations.  I can see the signals of things coming.  Even the asshole guys. [7/21/2017 2:54:31 AM] aj: Women, though?  Much harder to predict.  Harder to put myself in their shoes.  Harder to understand. [7/21/2017 2:55:08 AM] girl: Um... Idk, seek help, or "stay broken" as she put it (even though i was not telling her anything about my life, except that i was Fine and doing Good) and she ended the big string of texts w a beatles quote and i dont talk to her much anymore bc i thought it was so annpying i never ever wanted to hear anything like it again [7/21/2017 2:55:32 AM] aj: A Beatles quote?  Really? [7/21/2017 2:56:54 AM] girl: Yes [7/21/2017 2:56:59 AM] girl: She's [7/21/2017 2:57:01 AM] girl: Crazy [7/21/2017 2:57:29 AM] aj: Anyone who ends a long rant telling someone else they need help with a Beatles quote needs more help than the person they're messaging. [7/21/2017 2:57:32 AM] aj: Always. [7/21/2017 2:57:36 AM] aj: Always and forever. [7/21/2017 2:58:32 AM] girl: She [7/21/2017 2:58:53 AM] girl: Likes to argue with me in really crazy ways, and tries to say things she knows will offend me [7/21/2017 2:59:00 AM] girl: Or thinks will [7/21/2017 2:59:45 AM] aj: How mindlessly cruel. [7/21/2017 3:00:09 AM] aj: ... I am wondering if that's a contradiction in terms, now. [7/21/2017 3:00:28 AM] aj: Probably.  Fuck it.  I am a multitude, if I contradict myself, what of it? [7/21/2017 3:00:51 AM] girl: And likes to say that im trying to be snarky at her or ... idk... she's psycho and so is her daughter [7/21/2017 3:01:07 AM] girl: But guess who has custody of my brother 🙄 [7/21/2017 3:01:17 AM] aj: Heheh [7/21/2017 3:01:28 AM] aj: Good job.  /patpat [7/21/2017 3:01:58 AM] girl: Nooo haha, her fucking daughter does bc i cant til im 21 [7/21/2017 3:02:08 AM] aj: Fuuuuuuuuuuck [7/21/2017 3:02:10 AM] girl: N im 20 [7/21/2017 3:02:15 AM] girl: I know lmao [7/21/2017 3:02:17 AM] girl: She tried [7/21/2017 3:02:20 AM] aj: Soon. [7/21/2017 3:02:22 AM] girl: To give me [7/21/2017 3:02:25 AM] girl: A curfew [7/21/2017 3:02:28 AM] girl: Like [7/21/2017 3:02:35 AM] girl: A sleep curfew [7/21/2017 3:02:52 AM] girl: like... last year... i was...19... [7/21/2017 3:03:08 AM] girl: Like a literally like 10:30 pm... bed time [7/21/2017 3:03:19 AM] girl: And would... confiscate... my phone [7/21/2017 3:03:53 AM] girl: Qnd gave me a dr oz type book on adhd [7/21/2017 3:03:59 AM] aj: People gotta flex less and be more wu wei.  Enforcing curfews like that on 19 year olds is stupid. [7/21/2017 3:05:07 AM] aj: I'm naturally inclined to hierarchies, but so many organizations that use them use them in shitty ways.  It makes me want to tear my hair out because I ardently believe that organizations trend in that direction no matter what you do, but you'd think that with thousands of years of history that we could do it right on a micro level. [7/21/2017 3:05:20 AM] aj: but fuck no we can't. [7/21/2017 3:07:01 AM] girl: She also like insisted i was high when i was having like a not very pleasant Episode because i was living with completely insane crackers and her husband was being creepy with me and my dad had just died and it was like honestly... Bitch.... where the fuck do you think i would have obtained drugs from i have 30$ and you live in fucking thurston colorado [7/21/2017 3:07:57 AM] girl: Honestly [7/21/2017 3:08:17 AM] girl: I hate her, and i cannot wait until she dies. But its whatever lol [7/21/2017 3:08:27 AM] aj: Yeah, I get you. [7/21/2017 3:09:04 AM] aj: People like that torment others, and don't really even realize they're doing it.  Or if they do, they're guided by some maliciousness usually found in small, angry, feral creatures. [7/21/2017 3:09:15 AM] aj: Like weasels, if all of them were malicious. [7/21/2017 3:09:31 AM] girl: Beavers are very aggressive [7/21/2017 3:09:32 AM] aj: Lots are cute, though. [7/21/2017 3:09:38 AM] girl: And will attack dogs [7/21/2017 3:09:48 AM] girl: And that fucks me up [7/21/2017 3:09:52 AM] aj: I cannot get over how cute they are, though. [7/21/2017 3:10:19 AM] aj: Also, probably all the nice ones got killed by fur trappers hundreds of years ago. [7/21/2017 3:10:24 AM] aj: SO the only ones left were the mean ones. [7/21/2017 3:10:33 AM] aj: Or, this is what I choose to believe. [7/21/2017 3:10:42 AM] girl: I picked up a moth off the ground today with her wing torn and put her back in the bushes and i hope she gets to lay her sick eggs before she fucks off to die [7/21/2017 3:11:14 AM] girl: I cant omagine turning into a beautiful mouthless fuck machine and fucking dying before i got the chance [7/21/2017 3:11:28 AM] girl: Weasels are cute [7/21/2017 3:11:32 AM] girl: I like them lots [7/21/2017 3:11:36 AM] girl: Long tubes [7/21/2017 3:11:41 AM] aj: Heh [7/21/2017 3:12:23 AM] girl: I talkrd to aris classmate on fucking tinder last night and that boy aint well [7/21/2017 3:13:28 AM] girl: Very alcoholic slightly oversharey, absolutely implied he wanted to You Know What but was drunk enough and polite. Enough that i said. Thats ok jim. I'm not offended [7/21/2017 3:13:45 AM] aj: Heh. [7/21/2017 3:14:02 AM] girl: I am pffended a little [7/21/2017 3:14:16 AM] girl: But i didnt want to hurt his feelings [7/21/2017 3:14:20 AM] girl: He seemed to be [7/21/2017 3:14:26 AM] girl: Not a well man [7/21/2017 3:14:53 AM] aj: I don't know anyone who is well. [7/21/2017 3:15:01 AM] aj: Probably because if I did, I wouldn't be able to understand them. [7/21/2017 3:15:16 AM] aj: but, that's still strange. [7/21/2017 3:17:12 AM] girl: I am quite a bit unwell but not quite as unwell [7/21/2017 3:17:14 AM] girl: As Jim [7/21/2017 3:18:23 AM] aj: That's unfortunate. [7/21/2017 3:21:41 AM] girl: Truly [7/21/2017 3:21:43 AM] girl: Truly [7/21/2017 3:22:43 AM] girl: Jim is not a well man [7/21/2017 3:23:29 AM] aj: Being lonely and lacking purpose in life twist people. [7/21/2017 3:23:47 AM] girl: Hope jim is well [7/21/2017 3:23:54 AM] girl: I mean for [7/21/2017 3:23:58 AM] girl: The night [7/21/2017 3:24:05 AM] aj: Aah [7/21/2017 3:24:12 AM] girl: I really am worried about that weird fucking man [7/21/2017 3:24:37 AM] aj: Somewhere in you, you're an optimist. [7/21/2017 3:24:46 AM] aj: and, I hope he'll be well for the night. [7/21/2017 3:25:15 AM] girl: Only so far as one can be with two dead parents [7/21/2017 3:25:40 AM] girl: Which is surprisingly far i guess [7/21/2017 3:25:53 AM] aj: That's why I remarked on it. [7/21/2017 3:25:56 AM] girl: I think im mostly cheery and mostly cute and only sometimes a crazy bitch [7/21/2017 3:26:12 AM] girl: i just cry a lot and need more xanax than most people [7/21/2017 3:26:33 AM] girl: I cried so much today and i dont even remember what over [7/21/2017 3:28:04 AM] girl: I was fussing and i cried for two hours and then i ... went to the library... [7/21/2017 3:28:19 AM] girl: Becauae i volunteer there so i can see old people all day [7/21/2017 3:29:15 AM] girl: I'm really foggy lately because im [7/21/2017 3:29:44 AM] girl: Not medicated, at least for the part of my brain that shits out mid sentence and loses stuff all the time [7/21/2017 3:29:51 AM] girl: So im sorry for being all over yhe place [7/21/2017 3:29:55 AM] girl: And impulsive [7/21/2017 3:29:58 AM] girl: Moreso than usual [7/21/2017 3:30:18 AM] aj: It's fine.  I can follow you. [7/21/2017 3:30:57 AM] girl: Nodnod [7/21/2017 3:31:12 AM] girl: I lpve... this stupid dog stuffed animal i have [7/21/2017 3:31:29 AM] girl: I sleep with him almost every night and he doesnt have a name except dog [7/21/2017 3:34:03 AM] girl: Thats [7/21/2017 3:34:09 AM] girl: Hmm [7/21/2017 3:34:43 AM] girl: not sure if i am happy with the fact that i said that [7/21/2017 3:35:00 AM] aj: It's cute. [7/21/2017 3:35:48 AM] girl: Shut up? [7/21/2017 3:36:02 AM] aj: I didn't say anything else. [7/21/2017 3:36:08 AM] aj: Stupid. [7/21/2017 3:36:54 AM] girl: Youre stupid [7/21/2017 3:37:24 AM] girl: I wish i wss not just reminded of [7/21/2017 3:37:37 AM] girl: Bedtime for bonzo starring ronald reagan [7/21/2017 3:38:36 AM] aj: That's a strange thing to be reminded of. [7/21/2017 3:39:12 AM] girl: Ari is [7/21/2017 3:39:17 AM] girl: A strange boy [7/21/2017 3:39:23 AM] girl: Who says things like [7/21/2017 3:39:35 AM] girl: Its bedtime for bonzo, when he is goong to sleep [7/21/2017 3:40:06 AM] girl: Why would he do that to me? [7/21/2017 3:42:19 AM] aj: To mess with you. [7/21/2017 3:42:38 AM] aj: I think maybe guys just like messing with you. [7/21/2017 3:43:05 AM] girl: Why... [7/21/2017 3:43:20 AM] aj: Who can say? [7/21/2017 3:43:46 AM] girl: You could, since you're a guy, who does that [7/21/2017 3:44:11 AM] girl: Plenty, even [7/21/2017 3:44:51 AM] aj: You're really desperate for an answer if you're asking me of all people. [7/21/2017 3:45:11 AM] girl: You said it [7/21/2017 3:45:30 AM] aj: Sure, but you're still pressing. [7/21/2017 3:46:02 AM] girl: Because you SAID it,... it was a weird thing to say! [7/21/2017 3:46:08 AM] girl: Og my god [7/21/2017 3:46:16 AM] aj: Hahahahahaha [7/21/2017 3:46:19 AM] girl: You're doing it...right now [7/21/2017 3:46:23 AM] girl: Fuck you [7/21/2017 3:46:50 AM] aj: I anticipated you pushing the issue, so I figured I'd mess with you while you do so. [7/21/2017 3:47:14 AM] aj: If you had let it drop, I couldn't have messed with you. [7/21/2017 3:47:19 AM] aj: So, really, it's your own fault. [7/21/2017 3:47:35 AM] girl: You're such a motherfucker [7/21/2017 3:48:16 AM] girl: How could that be my own fault [7/21/2017 3:48:22 AM] girl: You said something strange [7/21/2017 3:48:47 AM] aj: You responded to the strange thing, and pressed for more instead of letting it drop.  I say strange things all the time. [7/21/2017 3:49:26 AM] girl: Not about me! [7/21/2017 3:50:11 AM] girl: If there really was some reason people said shit like bedtime for bonzo to me before sleeping in the same bed as me [7/21/2017 3:50:21 AM] girl: And there was a way for me to stop it [7/21/2017 3:50:38 AM] girl: Isnt it natural i would want to know the reason!!!!! [7/21/2017 3:51:00 AM] aj: There's nothing natural about saying "bedtime for bonzo". [7/21/2017 3:51:26 AM] girl: You implied that it was somehow mt fault!! [7/21/2017 3:51:29 AM] aj: It follows that there is nothing natural about wanting to stop someone saying "bedtime for bonzo".  It is similarly unnatural. [7/21/2017 3:52:01 AM] aj: I outright stated guys like messing with you. [7/21/2017 3:52:07 AM] aj: You asked why. [7/21/2017 3:52:14 AM] aj: and I proceeded to mess with you for it. [7/21/2017 3:52:36 AM] girl: It's not unnatural to wish in your heart that no one would remind you of bedtime for bonzo starring ronald reagan!!!!!! [7/21/2017 3:52:41 AM] aj: I can now confirm that in this instance, guys like messing with you. [7/21/2017 3:52:54 AM] aj: Because I messed with you just now, and liked it. [7/21/2017 3:53:35 AM] girl: That's because youre a... a sadist or something [7/21/2017 3:53:44 AM] girl: Not my fault [7/21/2017 3:53:47 AM] aj: No, I was trying to get an honest answer for you. [7/21/2017 3:53:51 AM] aj: and I got your answer. [7/21/2017 3:54:09 AM] aj: "Because it's fun to mess with you." is the answer as to why guys like messing with you. [7/21/2017 3:54:39 AM] aj: I expected that would be the answer, but went ahead and tested anyways. [7/21/2017 3:54:47 AM] aj: You should thank me for my effort. [7/21/2017 3:55:16 AM] girl: (ʘ言ʘ╬) [7/21/2017 3:56:08 AM] girl: There's no reason to complicate things that much you fucker [7/21/2017 3:56:23 AM] aj: Would you have been happier if I made up an answer? [7/21/2017 3:57:05 AM] girl: You're still being complicated, there's no reason to ask that question, thats a dumb question [7/21/2017 3:57:17 AM] girl: You didnt need to make up an answer if you knew it!! [7/21/2017 3:57:28 AM] aj: How would I know it unless I tested it? [7/21/2017 3:57:44 AM] girl: because most people know why they like doing something!! [7/21/2017 3:58:02 AM] aj: Do they? [7/21/2017 3:58:26 AM] aj: Would the most common answer be: "Because it's fun." ? [7/21/2017 3:58:53 AM] girl: And youve messed with me plenty of times before, its not like it was a novel Or New experience for you!! [7/21/2017 3:59:27 AM] girl: I don't know, I'm not a man or a person who likes to mess witg my own self [7/21/2017 3:59:32 AM] aj: I'll betcha a really common reason people like doing things is because those things are fun.  I'll even betcha that you knew that before you asked me. [7/21/2017 3:59:45 AM] aj: Which means, if you knew the answer, why did you ask the question? [7/21/2017 3:59:59 AM] aj: Here you are blaming me, when it's really your fault. [7/21/2017 4:00:02 AM] girl: Because you said something fucking WEIRD!!! [7/21/2017 4:00:08 AM] girl: oh my god [7/21/2017 4:00:10 AM] aj: Which I do all the time. [7/21/2017 4:00:12 AM] girl: Ohhh my god [7/21/2017 4:00:35 AM] girl: Youre such a dog!!!!! [7/21/2017 4:00:48 AM] aj: It's still fun. [7/21/2017 4:00:58 AM] aj: In case you were wondering if the reason changed. [7/21/2017 4:01:08 AM] girl: I WASNT [7/21/2017 4:01:35 AM] aj: You could have been, so I wanted to be sure. [7/21/2017 4:01:52 AM] girl: youre going to give me high blood pressure or something [7/21/2017 4:01:58 AM] girl: An ulcer maybe [7/21/2017 4:02:09 AM] aj: You probably like this, too. [7/21/2017 4:02:54 AM] girl: because i like you, and because im a sick freak, not for any reason you could assume anyone else would [7/21/2017 4:03:03 AM] girl: im an outlier [7/21/2017 4:03:33 AM] girl: Most people would throw you in the trash for being so god damn rude [7/21/2017 4:04:02 AM] aj: How fortunate that I only mess with people who like me, hmm? [7/21/2017 4:04:35 AM] aj: Does this mean that instead of throwing me in the trash [7/21/2017 4:04:40 AM] aj: You throw me in the treasure? [7/21/2017 4:04:50 AM] aj: Because one person's trash is another person's treasure? [7/21/2017 4:05:19 AM] girl: I need a fucking drink [7/21/2017 4:05:32 AM] aj: I'm a treasure person~ [7/21/2017 4:05:41 AM] girl: You're absolute garbage [7/21/2017 4:05:50 AM] aj: treasure* [7/21/2017 4:06:20 AM] girl: I still like you a lot, but don't let that fool you. Plenty of people like terrible, reprehensible things [7/21/2017 4:06:33 AM] girl: I'm just a sick little masochist [7/21/2017 4:06:42 AM] girl: Please dont let it go to your head [7/21/2017 4:07:09 AM] aj: I'm unsure where you got the impression I thought I was somehow not terrible or reprehensible. [7/21/2017 4:07:15 AM] aj: I'm both. [7/21/2017 4:07:45 AM] girl: You and my trash crab can hang out [7/21/2017 4:07:56 AM] aj: treasure crab* [7/21/2017 4:08:01 AM] girl: Die [7/21/2017 4:08:18 AM] aj: I'm laughing so hard, incidentally. [7/21/2017 4:08:29 AM] girl: I hate you [7/21/2017 4:08:29 AM] aj: It's hard to retain composure. [7/21/2017 4:08:40 AM] aj: Oh. [7/21/2017 4:08:44 AM] aj: I know you're not wondering, [7/21/2017 4:08:50 AM] aj: But I wanted to confirm, it's still fun. [7/21/2017 4:09:04 AM] girl: Oh my GOD [7/21/2017 4:09:31 AM] girl: I'm fukitng [7/21/2017 4:09:34 AM] girl: Ohhh my god [7/21/2017 4:09:59 AM] girl: You!! You you you you, I swear to god, you know, you're [7/21/2017 4:10:21 AM] aj: Treasure. [7/21/2017 4:10:23 AM] aj: Yes. [7/21/2017 4:10:24 AM] aj: I know. [7/21/2017 4:11:19 AM] girl: You're like, a, a piñata, except instead of candy you're full of like, very bizarre feelings like "so mad you hyperventilate, but in a fun way" [7/21/2017 4:11:56 AM] girl: That shouldnt even be a thing [7/21/2017 4:12:13 AM] girl: Im congested you know, [7/21/2017 4:12:24 AM] girl: Its not easy to be breathing this weird [7/21/2017 4:12:37 AM] aj: You have nobody to blame but yourself. [7/21/2017 4:12:40 AM] aj: You started this. [7/21/2017 4:12:59 AM] girl: I did not!! [7/21/2017 4:13:29 AM] girl: I said why did my boyfriend tell me bedtime for bonzo!! And you said something strange!! [7/21/2017 4:13:49 AM] aj: I say strange things all the time. [7/21/2017 4:13:54 AM] aj: You pushed the issue. [7/21/2017 4:14:06 AM] girl: Thats a bad excuse!! [7/21/2017 4:14:19 AM] aj: and also an accurate description of how events unfolded. [7/21/2017 4:14:54 AM] aj: The fact that it's a bad excuse is a bonus, from my viewpoint. [7/21/2017 4:14:59 AM] girl: You're a monster [7/21/2017 4:15:01 AM] aj: If it was a good excuse, it wouldn't be nearly as funny. [7/21/2017 4:15:08 AM] girl: UGH [7/21/2017 4:15:48 AM] girl: I [7/21/2017 4:15:50 AM] girl: God [7/21/2017 4:16:03 AM] girl: I hate you! [7/21/2017 4:17:05 AM] girl: I'm an easy target because I'm a FREAK, I get it. You're terrible. Picking on a poor girl like me [7/21/2017 4:18:24 AM] girl: A poor, kind hearted, tolerant masochist who CANT HELP IT and IS A FREAK and doesnt deserve to be mistreated [7/21/2017 4:18:48 AM] aj: A masochist who doesn't deserve to be mistreated? [7/21/2017 4:19:15 AM] girl: It's a CONDITION [7/21/2017 4:19:34 AM] girl: I'm SICK INSIDE and I can't help it [7/21/2017 4:20:28 AM] aj: You should consider that most people are easy targets. [7/21/2017 4:20:37 AM] aj: What most people aren't, however, is worthwhile targets. [7/21/2017 4:21:21 AM] aj: To illustrate: it is easy to get spare change out of a fountain, because Americans throw change in fountains for some strange reason. [7/21/2017 4:21:45 AM] aj: But it is not worthwhile, except in the very worst of circumstances. [7/21/2017 4:21:50 AM] girl: what a dark thing to say [7/21/2017 4:22:12 AM] girl: he calls me a fat little peach [7/21/2017 4:22:44 AM] girl: how terrible [7/21/2017 4:22:52 AM] aj: Poor you. [7/21/2017 4:23:12 AM] girl: Its okay, peaches are cute [7/21/2017 4:23:44 AM] aj: Unless they're rotten. [7/21/2017 4:23:47 AM] aj: and you're pretty rotten. [7/21/2017 4:23:58 AM] aj: Or maybe you're rotten pretty. [7/21/2017 4:24:03 AM] aj: Both? [7/21/2017 4:24:06 AM] girl: I......... [7/21/2017 4:24:15 AM] girl: Did something so terrible [7/21/2017 4:24:39 AM] girl: I'm a little [7/21/2017 4:24:42 AM] girl: Shocked [7/21/2017 4:25:24 AM] girl: I stuck my tongue out... at the screen... and im only telling you because it was kind of cute of me, but also shockingly....... unhinged [7/21/2017 4:25:49 AM] girl: I feel like i just caught myself in the mirror eating raw meat with my hands or something [7/21/2017 4:26:17 AM] girl: I am rotten, and pretty, by the way [7/21/2017 4:26:40 AM] girl: A fat and darling peach thank you very much [7/21/2017 4:26:57 AM] girl: Just a few worm [7/21/2017 4:27:12 AM] aj: Heh. [7/21/2017 4:27:21 AM] aj: Hmm. [7/21/2017 4:27:43 AM] girl: Hmm what [7/21/2017 4:27:53 AM] aj: I think I'll spare you. [7/21/2017 4:28:07 AM] aj: If you're already sticking your tongue out at the screen, I can ease up. [7/21/2017 4:28:15 AM] girl: You [7/21/2017 4:28:19 AM] girl: Oh my god [7/21/2017 4:28:25 AM] girl: Just say it you bastard [7/21/2017 4:28:56 AM] girl: What is possibly more embarrassing than my existence in relation to you [7/21/2017 4:29:03 AM] aj: Honeybee. [7/21/2017 4:29:26 AM] girl: Fucking flirt [7/21/2017 4:29:42 AM] aj: Oh, that wasn't what I was going to say, that just answered your question. [7/21/2017 4:29:59 AM] girl: Youre fucking killing me [7/21/2017 4:30:07 AM] girl: Not that you care [7/21/2017 4:30:45 AM] aj: I was going to ask you if you were rotten pretty though, because I imagine that's some sort of grungy look.  Like something out of a high fashion seasonal thing that involves trashbags and whatnot.' [7/21/2017 4:31:01 AM] aj: Being pretty and being rotten does not make one rotten pretty. [7/21/2017 4:32:13 AM] girl: I don't thinj they make that sort of thing for girls with frighteningly enormous hips [7/21/2017 4:32:22 AM] girl: My dentist told me i look like [7/21/2017 4:32:25 AM] girl: Coraline [7/21/2017 4:32:41 AM] girl: Because of my dress [7/21/2017 4:32:47 AM] aj: Aaah [7/21/2017 4:32:59 AM] aj: That's too bad.  You could have been a rotten pretty treasure person. [7/21/2017 4:33:21 AM] girl: It's not too bad at all [7/21/2017 4:33:36 AM] girl: I'm quite [7/21/2017 4:33:40 AM] girl: Pleased [7/21/2017 4:33:47 AM] aj: I never asked you. [7/21/2017 4:33:56 AM] girl: who cares? [7/21/2017 4:34:12 AM] aj: You're catching on to me and not overreacting anymore. [7/21/2017 4:34:17 AM] aj: Good job. [7/21/2017 4:35:05 AM] girl: You offended me by saying who asked you, which was rude, so i snipped like a mean girl [7/21/2017 4:35:13 AM] girl: Though youve [7/21/2017 4:35:21 AM] girl: Seen me be a much meaner girl [7/21/2017 4:35:33 AM] aj: Yeah, the snip didn't bug me. [7/21/2017 4:36:05 AM] aj: Your dentist said a nice thing.  Probably I'd say you were cute. [7/21/2017 4:36:22 AM] aj: But not if I was a dentist, because dentists telling people they're cute is super weird. [7/21/2017 4:36:44 AM] girl: i was offended at first, because she said, tim burton-y. And i said, oh, um, thanks [7/21/2017 4:36:52 AM] girl: but coraline isnt so offensive [7/21/2017 4:36:59 AM] aj: Yeah [7/21/2017 4:37:03 AM] aj: That was a nice thing to say [7/21/2017 4:37:10 AM] girl: Oh aj [7/21/2017 4:37:19 AM] aj: Mm? [7/21/2017 4:37:23 AM] girl: Im just so fucking cute not even my dentist can help herself [7/21/2017 4:38:26 AM] girl: I think its probably lost on you because its not very cute to act the way i do to you sometimes [7/21/2017 4:38:33 AM] girl: Most times [7/21/2017 4:39:33 AM] girl: But it was truly not her fault... I'm very polite and a lot like a fat cat [7/21/2017 4:40:17 AM] girl: And god knows it would be a crime to be hateful to a fat cat [7/21/2017 4:40:35 AM] girl: And thats why my dentist called me cute and gave me a gift card. Thank you [7/21/2017 4:40:41 AM] girl: She also made my teeth hurt [7/21/2017 4:40:49 AM] aj: Heh. [7/21/2017 4:41:04 AM] aj: In your case, I think... [7/21/2017 4:41:28 AM] aj: I could already see some of that. [7/21/2017 4:41:44 AM] girl: A fat cat? [7/21/2017 4:41:54 AM] aj: Nah, but polite and cute. [7/21/2017 4:42:08 AM] girl: Sounds like i need to try harder [7/21/2017 4:42:26 AM] girl: You called me cute again [7/21/2017 4:42:39 AM] girl: Even though it was just agreeing with me [7/21/2017 4:43:22 AM] girl: You're still a fucking flirt [7/21/2017 4:43:34 AM] aj: lmao [7/21/2017 4:43:44 AM] girl: It's fine, though [7/21/2017 4:43:56 AM] aj: You wouldn't believe me if I denied it. [7/21/2017 4:44:03 AM] girl: I like it because im a masochist (´ ∀ ` *) [7/21/2017 4:44:15 AM] girl: That i was cute? [7/21/2017 4:44:25 AM] girl: I wouldn't. [7/21/2017 4:44:34 AM] aj: Nah.  The flirt bit. [7/21/2017 4:44:45 AM] girl: Even if you don't mean to [7/21/2017 4:44:52 AM] girl: You called me a fucking petname [7/21/2017 4:44:58 AM] girl: What else is that [7/21/2017 4:45:12 AM] aj: You asked what was more embarrassing.  Out of all the sordid things there were. [7/21/2017 4:45:24 AM] aj: That word ranks at the top. [7/21/2017 4:45:30 AM] girl: There's plenty of embarrassing things about me [7/21/2017 4:45:49 AM] girl: That aren't so cute and horrible of you to say [7/21/2017 4:46:07 AM] girl: Like [7/21/2017 4:46:11 AM] girl: A lot of them [7/21/2017 4:46:25 AM] girl: I'm a walking shame machine [7/21/2017 4:47:03 AM] aj: Sure, but that one induces profound shame and complicatedness alongside. [7/21/2017 4:47:10 AM] aj: Also, it was a kneejerk reply. [7/21/2017 4:47:18 AM] girl: Homo [7/21/2017 4:47:33 AM] girl: Anyone else would call that flirting [7/21/2017 4:48:32 AM] girl: But if you're so insistent, i wont fuss. Fucking gay though lol [7/21/2017 4:49:08 AM] aj: I'd try and be more obvious and clumsy if I wanted to flirt with you. [7/21/2017 4:49:15 AM] aj: I feel like you'd deserve that. [7/21/2017 4:49:55 AM] aj: Also, you've totally ranted at me and bounced between homicidal and wanting a hatefuck or something and then wanting hugs. [7/21/2017 4:50:12 AM] girl: Exactly!! [7/21/2017 4:50:18 AM] girl: Much more embarrassing [7/21/2017 4:50:55 AM] aj: Yeah, this just shows we have entirely different concepts of what that entails. [7/21/2017 4:51:08 AM] girl: Sorry that i wanted to kill you. That first time at least was me taking meds that didn't sit well with me [7/21/2017 4:52:23 AM] girl: But still [7/21/2017 4:53:12 AM] girl: You're being cute, it's kind of gross [7/21/2017 4:54:14 AM] girl: Not that I'm complaining, even if it wasn't at me I like knowing that you're still cute sometimes. It's also a burden but thats fine for now [7/21/2017 4:54:48 AM] aj: I don't have much consolation for you on that one. [7/21/2017 4:55:25 AM] girl: Guess ill just have to suffer by myself then [7/21/2017 4:55:51 AM] girl: I truly am suffering [7/21/2017 4:55:57 AM] aj: Yeah? [7/21/2017 4:56:06 AM] girl: i cant breathe in this stupid apartmenr [7/21/2017 4:56:21 AM] aj: For a moment I was feeling bad. [7/21/2017 4:56:29 AM] aj: You got me for a moment. [7/21/2017 4:56:33 AM] girl: Oops [7/21/2017 4:57:18 AM] girl: It makes me happy to talk with you lile this, even if it makes me a sick masochistic freak [7/21/2017 4:57:25 AM] girl: So you dont have to worry for now [7/21/2017 4:58:29 AM] girl: Youve always been a nice distraction from other more horrible thinhs, except rn i cant think of them bc im living in perpetual brainfog and congestion and cant hardly remember yesterday [7/21/2017 4:58:39 AM] aj: This type of conversation felt more organic and natural, and I've been wondering if that's a good thing or a bad thing for the past couple of hours.  It has been nice, though. [7/21/2017 4:58:54 AM] girl: I don't think it matters [7/21/2017 4:59:02 AM] girl: To me, anyway. [7/21/2017 5:00:06 AM] girl: I'm pretty resigned to feeling something intense somewhere in my skull for you forever, no matter if you indulge me or not. No matter if i indulge myself either i guess [7/21/2017 5:00:49 AM] girl: It's kind of a weirdly peaceful feeling i guess [7/21/2017 5:01:05 AM] aj: Well, that's good at least. [7/21/2017 5:02:02 AM] girl: I wish i wasnt retarded though, I really hate having a cursed millennial brain that can only wver think of Video Games and Tweeting [7/21/2017 5:03:17 AM] girl: I have too much hair but i dont want to cut it myself and i dont want anyone else to cut it rn either [7/21/2017 5:03:55 AM] girl: i used to have a lot more though, its nice to drown yourself in your own hair [7/21/2017 5:04:05 AM] aj: Long hair is A++ [7/21/2017 5:04:33 AM] girl: I like myself with fluffy little bob cuts but i also like myself with really really long hair [7/21/2017 5:05:03 AM] girl: Everything in between is anything ranging from slightly imperfect to very annoying [7/21/2017 5:05:32 AM] girl: I saw a girl with such a fluffy bob cut today and it was so cute [7/21/2017 5:06:55 AM] aj: How is it already 5. [7/21/2017 5:06:58 AM] aj: Blah. [7/21/2017 5:07:07 AM] aj: I should sleep for a few hours or something. [7/21/2017 5:07:34 AM] girl: Have to be somewhere? [7/21/2017 5:07:55 AM] aj: Nah, but I should at least keep some normal hours. [7/21/2017 5:07:58 AM] girl: Im going to sleep all day (´ ∀ ` *) [7/21/2017 5:08:30 AM] girl: I woke up at like 7:30 yesterday and i felt like garbage the entire day LOL [7/21/2017 5:09:20 AM] aj: treasure* [7/21/2017 5:09:40 AM] girl: Die [7/21/2017 5:09:50 AM] aj: I had to. [7/21/2017 5:10:19 AM] girl: I think im just going to hang out on my couch and try to make my nose work again before i sleep though [7/21/2017 5:11:04 AM] aj: Probably wise.  No neti pot or stuff like it? [7/21/2017 5:11:28 AM] girl: No, but i have an inhaler somewhere around here Lol [7/21/2017 5:13:25 AM] aj: That could work. [7/21/2017 5:13:32 AM] aj: I haven't used an inhaler in a long time [7/21/2017 5:13:37 AM] aj: so, maybe it also couldn't work [7/21/2017 5:13:38 AM] girl: snorts it [7/21/2017 5:13:58 AM] girl: I use mine all the time bc of this MOLDY fucking building [7/21/2017 5:15:21 AM] girl: You can snooze whenever, I'm chattering bc im feeling chattery but sooner or later my body will tell me enough is enoyfh and force me in2 slumber [7/21/2017 5:15:37 AM] girl: Hopefully not on the couch because its a bit. Short [7/21/2017 5:15:46 AM] girl: Send prayers [7/21/2017 5:18:30 AM] girl: I hope if nothing else i at least get a marimo farm in my lungs [7/21/2017 5:19:32 AM] aj: Heh, sleeping.  Feel better. [7/21/2017 5:19:56 AM] girl: Night [7/21/2017 5:20:03 AM] girl: Idiot [7/21/2017 1:54:44 PM] girl: Hh [7/21/2017 6:17:17 PM] girl: Mnn [7/21/2017 6:17:32 PM] girl: It was... nice to talk to you almost kind of normal [7/21/2017 6:18:09 PM] girl: I went to the pharmacy... and drank a bery large mocha... and went to the fish market... [7/21/2017 6:19:01 PM] girl: I hate when i cant fucking read [7/21/2017 6:19:58 PM] girl: I think thats the worst thing about my dumbass symptoms is like reading anything informational is like a concentrated effort, like, i couldnt read these stupid signs abt cheese [7/21/2017 6:45:38 PM] girl: Also i ended up falling asleep on the couch lol [7/21/2017 6:45:46 PM] girl: Like a damn idiot [7/21/2017 6:46:05 PM] girl: But i went back t bed at like 8 or 9 or 10 [7/21/2017 6:50:42 PM] girl: Also I had some. Folks online mistake me for like 12 today... which wS... interesting... i think th effect is lost when people see me irl bc i have the stature of a grown woman but i regularly get mistaken for like 16-17 but i think thats just whT happens when youre asian and round in the face [7/21/2017 9:07:44 PM] girl: My aunt is soooo psycho [7/21/2017 10:17:59 PM] girl: She like. I dont think ive ever met anyone so evil. Evil and crazy. Its fine though [7/21/2017 10:18:11 PM] girl: I feel very unfocused and dumb sorry!!! [7/21/2017 11:56:12 PM] girl: Did yoy know im allergic to like every raw fruit and vegetable and the sun [7/22/2017 2:33:20 AM] girl: Hahaha [7/22/2017 2:33:38 AM] girl: For a cute girl who acts rly normal to most people I really am such a loser [7/22/2017 2:47:45 AM] girl: (´ ∀ ` *) I really am pretty pathetic [7/22/2017 2:48:23 AM] girl: but its mostly okay because im charming enough to get away with it... but boy sometimes i think about what a huge loser i am and go WOW [7/22/2017 3:51:46 AM] girl: Hahahaha [7/22/2017 3:51:56 AM] girl: I call you a dog. But [7/22/2017 3:52:05 AM] girl: Sometimes im a dog too [7/22/2017 11:26:38 AM] girl: I??? Woke up to my fucking aunt telling me. Like. Oh my god idk. Crazy shit bc my other aunt is a crazy evil woman and I think shes telling my moms side of the family shit about me that isnt true [7/22/2017 11:51:04 PM] girl: Bluh [7/22/2017 11:51:13 PM] girl: I hate how foggy i feel [7/22/2017 11:51:32 PM] girl: Its so difficult to think ahead. [7/23/2017 1:38:05 AM] girl: Mmmn my [7/23/2017 1:38:37 AM] girl: Fingers are all messy bc ive been touching theese eyeshadow pallettrs [7/24/2017 4:03:50 AM] aj: Yeah, you're a dog, too. [7/24/2017 4:05:15 AM] aj: That being said, I think most people feel that they're frauds to some extent. [7/24/2017 4:06:09 AM] aj: That could just be me, though.  The truth is that no matter how smart of capable you are, your skills are limited, largely only useful in the time you're born and live, and not even that great. [7/24/2017 4:07:32 AM] aj: One of the things I super-hate is people who say they're "educated".  Like, what the fuck does that even mean?  Dogs who do training are "educated" or some shit.  Lots of people like it to mean that they have a degree or read a few books sometimes, or say it as a put-on because they think whatever vapid things they like qualify as things "educated" people like. [7/24/2017 4:09:09 AM] aj: So, if being "educated" means having a degree, the problem is that having a degree doesn't mean one is "educated".  Honorary degrees aside, there's a huge philosophical problem that I think it called the Chinese Room or something like it.  Basically, even if you display perfect understanding, there's no way to know that you actually understand something.  You could just be following a complex series of decision trees or memorized it all. [7/24/2017 4:10:11 AM] aj: Granted, analytics and rote memorization are a part of understanding, but we tend to think of understanding as more than that.  THE POINT IS that any credential does not guarantee that the holder actually knows what they're talking about.  It just ups the probability.  So, credentials are out as a 100% indication of "educated". [7/24/2017 4:10:46 AM] aj: Which leaves, what?  Without that, we just have consensus opinion and personal testimony, which is fine because degrees are just more rigorous versions of that shit anyways. [7/24/2017 4:11:31 AM] aj: But, then, saying you're "educated" means that you've attained some level of knowledge and understanding that will always and forever place you in that status.  Which is BULLSHIT because stuff changes all the damn time. [7/24/2017 4:12:23 AM] aj: I guess in the end I just hate that term.  The legit smart and wise people I know won't use that word as a self-descriptor. [7/24/2017 4:12:47 AM] aj: So all that's left are people who use that word because it sounds good and maybe people told them they were smart or something. [7/24/2017 4:14:48 AM] aj: So.  Most people are frauds.  Or they vastly overestimate their abilities and then go on to overstate them.  It's a display that combines a lack of circumspect thinking with a lack of humility, and produces people who fearlessly blunder into an uncertain future while simultaneously insulting people who have the good sense to know they're stupid and people who have the humility to constrain their self-expression. [7/24/2017 4:20:03 AM] aj: So.  Being charming is pretty good because you still have that going for you on top of enough self-knowledge to know where your limits tend to be. [7/24/2017 4:20:19 AM] aj: Don't be so hard on yourself, you could be an "educated" twat or someshit. [7/24/2017 11:17:40 AM] girl: Hahahaha [7/24/2017 12:51:38 PM] girl: I saw that and fell right badk asleep [7/24/2017 3:33:34 PM] girl: Sometimes you can be pretty cute [7/24/2017 3:34:22 PM] girl: Mostly i just hate being unmedicated and a lot of add treatment options are kind of bad or they're adderall lol [7/24/2017 3:35:34 PM] girl: I'm like out of withdrawal phase or should be but it's just annoying to have to make a concentrated effort to do things other people can do with ease [7/24/2017 3:37:57 PM] girl: It's like, having meds is like putting glasses on for the first time and being like oh this is how things are kind of supposed to be, and so, being off them is extra frustrating when you know how stuff feels and is Normally i guess. And I can't really do much in the way of trying harder, my brain shits out midway through sentences and stuff and i am rly easily distracted and i want to. Roll in mud and die [7/24/2017 3:39:01 PM] girl: Idk if it's you know, actual Textbook Adhd or just my brain didn't develop normal because i spent so many of my formative years in traumatic situations and environments but my brain sure doesn't work right [7/24/2017 3:42:36 PM] girl: It feels like there's a lot of things wrong with me and i hate it because symptoms really aren't the same for everybody and mental issues are hard to diagnose and treat right, and it seems like i have some conflicting things going on and thats very annoying [7/25/2017 2:44:20 AM] girl: mmm [7/25/2017 2:44:30 AM] girl: I'm a little high lol. And very strange [7/25/2017 4:09:50 AM] girl: Sleepy... sleepy sleepy [7/25/2017 4:09:59 AM] girl: I cant believe youre so tall... [7/25/2017 4:10:05 AM] girl: Thats too tall you know [7/25/2017 4:10:10 AM] girl: Much too tall... [7/25/2017 4:10:17 AM] girl: No reason for it even... [7/25/2017 9:44:28 PM] aj: =P [7/25/2017 10:39:55 PM] girl: Dummy [7/25/2017 10:43:24 PM] girl: Its so fucking hot [7/25/2017 10:48:53 PM] girl: Like way too fucking hot [7/25/2017 10:49:07 PM] girl: Im letting ari have our singular fan bc hes asleep [7/25/2017 10:49:15 PM] girl: But o wish i was cruel enough to take ot [7/25/2017 10:55:56 PM] aj:  /patpat [7/25/2017 11:00:47 PM] girl: Dont pat me [7/25/2017 11:00:50 PM] girl: Thats rude [7/25/2017 11:02:53 PM] girl: I have some [7/25/2017 11:02:57 PM] girl: Interesting [7/25/2017 11:03:03 PM] girl: Family drama [7/25/2017 11:25:40 PM] aj: Yeah? [7/25/2017 11:25:50 PM] aj: You getting more problems from your aunt? [7/25/2017 11:26:00 PM] girl: Hahaha [7/25/2017 11:26:03 PM] girl: Yeah [7/25/2017 11:26:20 PM] girl: White aunt idk [7/25/2017 11:27:17 PM] girl: She was like... "the reason you're having issues with your dads family is because you don't respect or know your own culture. Japanese people value honor." [7/25/2017 11:27:34 PM] girl: Then she sent me a picture of my grandpa with the word DOJO over it from a magazine [7/25/2017 11:27:37 PM] girl: I was. [7/25/2017 11:27:49 PM] girl: Shocked [7/25/2017 11:28:01 PM] aj: lolololhonor culture [7/25/2017 11:28:12 PM] aj: Saving face is not the same as valuing honor. [7/25/2017 11:28:45 PM] aj: Relying on cultural constructions that produce peer pressure for stepping out of the line of norms is not "honor". [7/25/2017 11:29:06 PM] aj: Individualism is also shit, don't get me wrong. [7/25/2017 11:29:33 PM] girl: I just was like [7/25/2017 11:30:09 PM] girl: Shocked at how caucasian of her it was to say, esp when my other aunt is like genuinely evil and tried to keep me from coming to my own dads funeral [7/25/2017 11:30:22 PM] girl: Like bringing up... japanese honor... or whatever... [7/25/2017 11:30:32 PM] girl: Like maam? Are you well? [7/25/2017 11:30:35 PM] aj: Yeah, I have no idea how that factors into it. [7/25/2017 11:31:15 PM] girl: A [7/25/2017 11:31:29 PM] girl: A failure to understand my own familys culture.... ok... [7/25/2017 11:31:34 PM] aj: I... [7/25/2017 11:31:41 PM] girl: Girl i know [7/25/2017 11:31:52 PM] aj: Do people read what they message? [7/25/2017 11:32:39 PM] girl: She sent me a pic of my grandpa in his dojo [7/25/2017 11:32:41 PM] girl: Like [7/25/2017 11:32:55 PM] girl: See how honorable and japanese your grandpa was [7/25/2017 11:33:00 PM] girl: Like oh my god [7/25/2017 11:33:35 PM] aj: I don't understand how someone does that and thinks they're making a point on anything other than their own ignorance. [7/25/2017 11:34:36 PM] girl: Its so embarrassing [7/25/2017 11:34:45 PM] girl: Im so deeply embarrassed for her [7/25/2017 11:34:50 PM] aj: I feel shame for this person, yes. [7/25/2017 11:35:15 PM] girl: I'm sensitive and it ruins my mornings when she pulls this shit so i finally just told her to fuck off [7/25/2017 11:35:58 PM] aj: I was speaking with my sister earlier about that girl who rolled her car while snapchatting. [7/25/2017 11:36:31 PM] aj: and who, once getting out of her vehicle, instead of calling 911, snapchatted some more while the corpse of her sister was just there. [7/25/2017 11:36:46 PM] girl: oh my god WHAT [7/25/2017 11:37:30 PM] girl: Thats insane?!? [7/25/2017 11:37:49 PM] aj: https://kfiam640.iheart.com/content/2017-07-24-drunk-teen-livestreamed-car-crash-that-killed-her-14-year-old-sister/ [7/25/2017 11:37:59 PM] girl: I mean i also texted ari after i dound my dad but i fucking called the ambulance first(?!?!? [7/25/2017 11:38:03 PM] aj: There's a link because I try and source stuff, anyways [7/25/2017 11:38:12 PM] girl: Oh my god [7/25/2017 11:38:15 PM] girl: Thats [7/25/2017 11:38:17 PM] girl: A bit [7/25/2017 11:38:18 PM] girl: Much [7/25/2017 11:38:42 PM] aj: Livestreaming on instagram, my bad, anyways. [7/25/2017 11:38:53 PM] aj: My sister thinks that people like this are evil. [7/25/2017 11:39:22 PM] aj: So we talked about evil and stuff for a little while. [7/25/2017 11:40:24 PM] aj: The main disagreement we have is that I don't think this person is evil.  My sister can't really comprehend how someone can be so self-absorbed about it all.  She said this girl was "empty", and that's what spooks her. [7/25/2017 11:41:11 PM] aj: To me, though, evil needs malicious intent.  To just not care isn't evil in and of itself.  A lack of empathy, sure.  But evil has to be proactive. [7/25/2017 11:41:58 PM] aj: (Incidentally, the law seems to agree with me because this girl is being tried for manslaughter, which doesn't need malicious intent.) [7/25/2017 11:42:24 PM] aj: Anyways, I bring this up because people do a lot of stupid shit without intent. [7/25/2017 11:43:17 PM] girl: I agree [7/25/2017 11:43:42 PM] aj: Granted.  I'm sort of an asshole in my own interpretations of things, but I'll spare you that.  =P [7/25/2017 11:43:57 PM] girl: Though i dont think its excusable to be super lazy in trying to be at least somewhat empathetic [7/25/2017 11:45:07 PM] girl: I think people with a profound lack of empathy aren't really worth my time/that my specific brand of socialization and problems makes me easily hurt by people like that or easily annoyed [7/25/2017 11:45:13 PM] girl: By people [7/25/2017 11:45:16 PM] girl: Like that [7/25/2017 11:45:50 PM] aj: To a degree, I think empathy is related to socialization.  But I think a lot of it is also genetic and environmental. [7/25/2017 11:46:13 PM] aj: I don't think it's possible to be lazy in empathy.  Sympathy or compassion?  Maybe. [7/25/2017 11:46:31 PM] aj: Empathy is a lot less of a thing you turn on and off and a lot more a background thing. [7/25/2017 11:48:49 PM] girl: I guess compassion is more what I mean in those cases but I tend not to get along with people who lack empathy [7/25/2017 11:49:36 PM] girl: Mostly because I can't make mine stop, and its much easier to be around people who also are like that becayse we pick up on each others feelings really easily and are nice to each other and no one gets hurt or irritated [7/25/2017 11:49:57 PM] aj: This would explain one facet of your love/hate with me. [7/25/2017 11:51:16 PM] aj: I was a lot more empathetic when I was little, but that got throttled out of me and really has never returned.  I rarely feel like empathy is the best solution when trying to solve problems.  Granted, a lot of the time people just want to be heard and don't want you to solve shit, so that's cool. [7/25/2017 11:52:06 PM] girl: I don't think that's true at all [7/25/2017 11:52:16 PM] aj: Which part? [7/25/2017 11:52:29 PM] girl: The part about empathy not being a good way to solve problems [7/25/2017 11:53:13 PM] girl: Maybe not all of them but i think a lot of the highly empathetic women in my life, when theyve learned to kind of reign it in and not waste it on people who dont give a shit [7/25/2017 11:53:30 PM] girl: Are really good and likable leaders [7/25/2017 11:53:40 PM] girl: i just really love kitty too [7/25/2017 11:53:48 PM] girl: But so does everyone else [7/25/2017 11:53:52 PM] aj: Fair. [7/25/2017 11:54:05 PM] aj: I just don't think it's the best solution.  It's a good solution. [7/25/2017 11:54:18 PM] aj: and I think that in some degree it is involved in the best solutions. [7/25/2017 11:54:52 PM] girl: I think that's kind of an unfortunate and/or sad way to think. [7/25/2017 11:55:23 PM] aj: I think you're more optimistic about how long cooperation lasts between individuals and groups. [7/25/2017 11:55:44 PM] aj: I also think that how I think is a sad way to think, though. [7/25/2017 11:56:18 PM] aj: There's no right answer in this one, imo.  It just depends on what your values happen to be. [7/25/2017 11:57:20 PM] aj: Or, put differently, there are only right individual answers, but guiding principles beyond vague notions?  Eh. [7/25/2017 11:58:22 PM] girl: Are you confused/do you not understand why I feel the way I do about you, by the way? [7/25/2017 11:59:01 PM] aj: I don't know how to answer that question. [7/25/2017 11:59:35 PM] girl: ? [7/26/2017 12:00:09 AM] girl: I'm not desperate for an answer i just don't understand [7/26/2017 12:00:36 AM] aj: I know why. [7/26/2017 12:02:09 AM] girl: You just said something that made it sound like you didnt [7/26/2017 12:02:11 AM] girl: Thats all [7/26/2017 12:02:36 AM] aj: Ah, okay. [7/26/2017 12:03:25 AM] girl: What are you doing? [7/26/2017 12:03:39 AM] aj: Right now, looking at apartments. [7/26/2017 12:03:51 AM] girl: Ah [7/26/2017 12:04:06 AM] girl: I really like california but ive only ever been once [7/26/2017 12:04:30 AM] aj: The weather is nice.  I'm already anxious about the sheer amount of people there, though. [7/26/2017 12:04:48 AM] girl: No, twice, but the first time i was just going to maxs parents house becayse we decided on a whim we wanted to drive four hours to see some persian kittens [7/26/2017 12:05:19 AM] girl: I cried a lot because i loved each of them [7/26/2017 12:05:40 AM] girl: Theres a lot of people but... at least its not the east coast? [7/26/2017 12:06:00 AM] aj: I liked the east coast more. [7/26/2017 12:06:14 AM] aj: Or, at least the part above the Mason-Dixon line. [7/26/2017 12:06:52 AM] girl: Seems spooky [7/26/2017 12:06:57 AM] girl: But ive only been to ny [7/26/2017 12:07:12 AM] girl: But the people i know from jersey and florida are all freaks [7/26/2017 12:07:24 AM] aj: Heh [7/26/2017 12:10:06 AM] girl: I'm so out of it lately [7/26/2017 12:10:29 AM] aj: Yeah?  Well, it's not like your aunt has been helping. [7/26/2017 12:10:41 AM] girl: Haha [7/26/2017 12:10:46 AM] girl: Neither of them [7/26/2017 12:12:11 AM] girl: But mostly im just overwhelmingly foggy again, which is okay when im not sad, but its hard not to get frustrated when you have trpuble finishing sentences [7/26/2017 12:12:22 AM] girl: And im the kind of person who cries when im frustrated [7/26/2017 12:12:33 AM] aj: That makes sense.  Reading some of the stuff you wrote earlier made me feel sad. [7/26/2017 12:13:19 AM] girl: Haha [7/26/2017 12:13:29 AM] girl: I have to read it again, i kind of forgot [7/26/2017 12:14:29 AM] girl: Oh yeah [7/26/2017 12:14:35 AM] girl: I was feeling really fussy [7/26/2017 12:15:00 AM] girl: As i am apt to do [7/26/2017 12:15:26 AM] aj: I appreciated that. [7/26/2017 12:15:36 AM] girl: Appreciated whT? [7/26/2017 12:15:47 AM] aj: The explanation, and you mentioning how it feels. [7/26/2017 12:17:17 AM] aj: It's the difference between someone saying they feel sick [7/26/2017 12:17:41 AM] aj: and someone explaining what hurts or aches, and why. [7/26/2017 12:18:51 AM] girl: Silly to appreciate that from me, but a little weirdly heartwarming [7/26/2017 12:19:11 AM] aj: I always hit this same mental snag. [7/26/2017 12:19:23 AM] aj: Someone will say "I feel sick" or something, and I ask a little bit more but not too much. [7/26/2017 12:19:39 AM] aj: I can empathize, but I only have my own experiences to compare to what they say. [7/26/2017 12:20:00 AM] aj: So, I get bothered because I wonder if I am remembering my experiences and applying it to someone else and then feeling bad for them. [7/26/2017 12:20:20 AM] aj: and if that's true, aren't I just being selfish and imagining it all and I never really understood them but just think they feel what I do? [7/26/2017 12:20:43 AM] aj: But asking too many questions is also invasive. [7/26/2017 12:22:18 AM] girl: I don't think that matters much. All that sort of dumb nihilistic stuff is pretty true but if you feel something for someone and want them to be better when they're hurt and are happy when they're happy it's not... fake. Being a self serving person and relating to other people through yourself isnt fake or shallow [7/26/2017 12:22:46 AM] girl: And its not fake or shallow to not understand either [7/26/2017 12:22:58 AM] aj: You're right.  It still bothers me, though.  All of it. [7/26/2017 12:23:19 AM] aj: So I appreciate people that I care about telling me stuff, even if it's a lot of detail or something. [7/26/2017 12:23:35 AM] aj: Because it means I'm less likely to get caught in that loop. [7/26/2017 12:24:10 AM] girl: I'm glad its something you like and isnt annoying, then. [7/26/2017 12:25:01 AM] girl: Talking excessively always helps me more than it doesnt [7/26/2017 12:26:58 AM] girl: It's a lot easier to sort things out on paper or out loud or in text, even if its just to myself. Because im forgetful and sit at a sort of baseline where i dont think much about what im doing or feeling, so it helps me remember, and feel less lile theres something really annoying and painful bothering me that i cant figure out [7/26/2017 12:27:11 AM] girl: And journaling is kind of lonely haha [7/26/2017 12:29:10 AM] aj: That makes sense [7/26/2017 12:31:59 AM] girl: I worry about being a burden a lot too when i know i shouldnt care so much [7/26/2017 12:32:26 AM] girl: I'm always relieved when you dont think so but id know why if you did [7/26/2017 12:37:47 AM] aj:  /patpat [7/26/2017 12:37:59 AM] aj: I'd let you know if it was a burden. [7/26/2017 12:40:07 AM] girl: Haha [7/26/2017 12:40:16 AM] girl: I'd probably cry [7/26/2017 12:40:32 AM] aj: Probably. [7/26/2017 12:40:41 AM] aj: You'd also say something about being a princess, probably. [7/26/2017 12:40:50 AM] girl: I am a princess [7/26/2017 12:41:09 AM] aj: Mhm. [7/26/2017 12:41:57 AM] girl: Do you not think so? [7/26/2017 12:42:25 AM] aj: Hmm. [7/26/2017 12:42:28 AM] aj: You're... [7/26/2017 12:42:31 AM] aj: A Treasure Princess. [7/26/2017 12:42:50 AM] girl: I'm rolling my eyes [7/26/2017 12:43:03 AM] aj: Uh huh. [7/26/2017 12:43:57 AM] girl: I am a princess [7/26/2017 12:44:14 AM] girl: It's not my fault you don't believe me [7/26/2017 12:44:28 AM] aj: I just said you're a treasure princess. [7/26/2017 12:45:18 AM] girl: its disrespectful to put me on the same level as you... if you think you are...... treasure [7/26/2017 12:45:21 AM] girl: Garbage freak [7/26/2017 12:45:45 AM] aj: Such uncouth language for a princess. [7/26/2017 12:46:12 AM] girl: Princesses can say whateber they want to [7/26/2017 12:46:37 AM] aj: Commoners would think princesses are like that. [7/26/2017 12:46:52 AM] aj: Not that you're a commoner.  Just.  That's what commoners would think. [7/26/2017 12:48:18 AM] girl: Dogs don't get to talk to princesses like that (´ ∀ ` *) [7/26/2017 12:48:36 AM] aj: I agree. [7/26/2017 12:48:51 AM] aj: You should warn me if any princesses show up. [7/26/2017 12:49:05 AM] girl: Thats so mean [7/26/2017 12:49:22 AM] aj: You called me a dog. [7/26/2017 12:50:25 AM] girl: Dogs are cute~~ [7/26/2017 12:50:48 AM] aj: You're not saving it that way. [7/26/2017 12:51:14 AM] aj: Commoner. [7/26/2017 12:51:40 AM] girl: Dog! [7/26/2017 12:52:01 AM] girl: I'm a princess, and, everyone else thinks so, so... [7/26/2017 12:52:22 AM] aj: Oh, so that's what you're relying on, now. [7/26/2017 12:52:27 AM] aj: I mean, that's fine. [7/26/2017 12:53:14 AM] aj: You're free to believe what they tell you if that's what you want, and all.  I won't stop you. [7/26/2017 12:53:27 AM] girl: Youre so mean [7/26/2017 12:53:34 AM] girl: You are being so awful [7/26/2017 12:53:41 AM] aj: You started this. [7/26/2017 12:53:42 AM] girl: To such a nice girl? [7/26/2017 12:53:54 AM] aj: You started this. [7/26/2017 12:53:58 AM] girl: Oh my god. You're so awful. [7/26/2017 12:54:09 AM] girl: I'm feeling very gaslit tbh [7/26/2017 12:54:32 AM] aj: Fine, I won't say you started this. [7/26/2017 12:55:19 AM] aj: I will say that I have never heard of a story where a princess argues with a dog. [7/26/2017 12:55:28 AM] girl: Such a bad way to treat a girl who likes you so much :/. [7/26/2017 12:56:02 AM] aj: Someone still thinks I'm a dog. [7/26/2017 12:56:45 AM] girl: Because dogs are kind of cute and kind of dumb [7/26/2017 12:57:23 AM] girl: and even if they bite you a little its hard to be very mad (´ ∀ ` *) [7/26/2017 12:57:46 AM] girl: But i wont do it if it makes you feel fussy [7/26/2017 12:57:52 AM] aj: Then... [7/26/2017 12:57:54 AM] aj: if I'm a dog... [7/26/2017 12:58:07 AM] aj: It'll be hard for you to be mad at me if I say you aren't a princess! [7/26/2017 12:58:20 AM] girl: aj... [7/26/2017 12:58:28 AM] girl: I'm not mad. [7/26/2017 12:58:39 AM] girl: I'm just very disappointed. [7/26/2017 12:58:48 AM] girl: (´・ω・`) [7/26/2017 12:58:48 AM] aj: I knew that was coming! [7/26/2017 12:59:01 AM] aj: Did it feel good when you typed it? [7/26/2017 12:59:04 AM] aj: I would have been laughing. [7/26/2017 12:59:14 AM] girl: (´・ω・`) [7/26/2017 12:59:21 AM] aj: I'm almost jealous you got to do that one and not me. [7/26/2017 12:59:33 AM] girl: It never feels good to be disappointed by someone you thought was on your side.... [7/26/2017 12:59:42 AM] girl: But i manage, somehow [7/26/2017 12:59:51 AM] aj: You're so brave. [7/26/2017 12:59:55 AM] aj: The bravest. [7/26/2017 12:59:58 AM] aj: You. [7/26/2017 1:00:16 AM] girl: Yes its true im quite brave and strong and tall [7/26/2017 1:00:32 AM] girl: (´ ∀ ` *) i dont know how i do it all [7/26/2017 1:00:39 AM] aj: Two out of three ain't bade? [7/26/2017 1:00:42 AM] aj: bad, too. [7/26/2017 1:00:57 AM] girl: i guess it just comes with the territory u know? being a princess and all [7/26/2017 1:01:13 AM] aj: I wouldn't know, because I am all those things and not a princess. [7/26/2017 1:01:23 AM] aj: In fact, if I recall, I'm taller than you. [7/26/2017 1:01:24 AM] girl: You wont be saying that when i wear my tallman shoes....... [7/26/2017 1:01:28 AM] aj: Shock.  Dismay. [7/26/2017 1:01:40 AM] aj: I will, because it would be the shoes that are tall.  Not you. [7/26/2017 1:01:53 AM] aj: I will remark to the shoes that they are tall. [7/26/2017 1:02:10 AM] aj: and they will smile because they'd finally be recognized for it. [7/26/2017 1:02:13 AM] girl: http://www.tallmenshoes.com [7/26/2017 1:02:41 AM] girl: Tall man shoes ... five inch taller even [7/26/2017 1:02:55 AM] girl: I could be 6'1". No one would even know.. [7/26/2017 1:02:58 AM] aj: I should wear those, and tower over you even more. [7/26/2017 1:03:07 AM] girl: THEY ARE NOT FOR TALL FREAKS [7/26/2017 1:03:59 AM] girl: And anyway [7/26/2017 1:04:07 AM] aj: That's a response I'd expect from a short person. [7/26/2017 1:04:31 AM] girl: >:). Dogs arent so tall when theyre on all fours. [7/26/2017 1:04:40 AM] girl: Ew... emoji....... [7/26/2017 1:05:00 AM] girl: (avocadolove) [7/26/2017 1:05:16 AM] aj: I'm so lucky I disabled emojis. [7/26/2017 1:05:33 AM] girl: I need to lol they keep getting uglier [7/26/2017 1:05:49 AM] girl: It shocks me how fucking ugly they are ot makes me want to kill whoever is in charge of emojis [7/26/2017 1:06:09 AM] aj: and, I'd stride the world as a tall person, in tall person shoes [7/26/2017 1:06:12 AM] aj: and look down upon you. [7/26/2017 1:06:31 AM] girl: bigger are , harder fall (´ ∀ ` *) [7/26/2017 1:06:34 AM] aj: and ask you how the world of the dwarves was. [7/26/2017 1:06:44 AM] girl: ill kill you [7/26/2017 1:06:56 AM] aj: Not if my laughter does me in first. [7/26/2017 1:07:04 AM] girl: I'm not a dwarf [7/26/2017 1:07:15 AM] aj: Oh, right [7/26/2017 1:07:16 AM] aj: Sorry [7/26/2017 1:07:22 AM] aj: Dwarf Princess. [7/26/2017 1:07:23 AM] girl: I'm 5'6" and im too round to be a dwarf!! [7/26/2017 1:07:32 AM] girl: EAT SHIT AND DIE [7/26/2017 1:07:37 AM] aj: Dwarf Princesses are round, I think. [7/26/2017 1:07:51 AM] girl: Its different.... [7/26/2017 1:08:15 AM] girl: My proportions would look wrong on shortnessnand that is why im tall [7/26/2017 1:08:29 AM] girl: I'm reallt going to cry [7/26/2017 1:08:48 AM] girl: Its so mean to call me a DWARF dwarves are not cute!!! [7/26/2017 1:09:29 AM] girl: THEY ARE LIKE WEIRD GNOMES im not a gnome!!! Even if i like mushrooms!! It doesnt make me a gnome!! [7/26/2017 1:10:46 AM] girl: im too cute to be a gnome... even when im an old lady i will be cute and round and not like a gnome at all [7/26/2017 1:14:07 AM] girl: I hope the best apartment you can find is a hole in the ground with no natural lightinf so that you can sit in the dark by yourself and think about wjat youve done [7/26/2017 1:14:21 AM] aj: That's pretty comfy. [7/26/2017 1:14:25 AM] aj: By Dwarf standards. [7/26/2017 1:14:52 AM] girl: Why do you fluster me so much [7/26/2017 1:15:13 AM] girl: I shouldnt care about the opinion of some lousy dog [7/26/2017 1:15:41 AM] girl: Youre going to kill me you know? [7/26/2017 1:16:05 AM] girl: i can feel my blood pressure skyrocketing into the heavens nd soon i will die from it [7/26/2017 1:16:28 AM] aj: Can I have your Dwarven treasure after you die? [7/26/2017 1:16:53 AM] girl: Im crying i hate you [7/26/2017 1:17:05 AM] girl: I'm so fucking cute and nice and youre being so mean [7/26/2017 1:17:19 AM] girl: I'm a high stress individual!!! [7/26/2017 1:17:29 AM] girl: I cry at puppies!! [7/26/2017 1:17:45 AM] girl: I need TO BE TREATED TENDERLY [7/26/2017 1:18:22 AM] aj: You. [7/26/2017 1:18:24 AM] aj: Started. [7/26/2017 1:18:25 AM] aj: This. [7/26/2017 1:18:53 AM] girl: I'm SORRY! [7/26/2017 1:19:15 AM] girl: you're not a dog!! just a very mean and terrible man!! who makes girls cry! [7/26/2017 1:19:29 AM] aj: See, if you stopped at that first part? [7/26/2017 1:19:34 AM] aj: That first part right there? [7/26/2017 1:19:37 AM] aj: Perfection. [7/26/2017 1:20:02 AM] girl: :((( [7/26/2017 1:20:12 AM] aj: You just couldn't stop yourself, could you? [7/26/2017 1:20:17 AM] girl: be nice im a tender fucking woman [7/26/2017 1:20:33 AM] aj: I could make so many jokes on that phrasing. [7/26/2017 1:20:49 AM] girl: I AM A TENDER AND SOFT HEARTED GIRL !! [7/26/2017 1:21:01 AM] girl: ;_; [7/26/2017 1:21:58 AM] aj: and short.  Don't forget short. [7/26/2017 1:22:50 AM] girl: I'm not that short... [7/26/2017 1:23:24 AM] aj:  /headpat [7/26/2017 1:23:34 AM] aj: No, of course you're not, sweetie. [7/26/2017 1:25:01 AM] girl: Dont you sweetie me [7/26/2017 1:25:16 AM] girl: Two inches taller than average is at least a little tall... [7/26/2017 1:25:29 AM] girl: Plus im asian, so you have to give me some credit there [7/26/2017 1:25:51 AM] girl: like, my body has truly done all she can to become tall... shes doing a good job... [7/26/2017 1:26:26 AM] aj: I just agreed with you. [7/26/2017 1:26:32 AM] aj: I don't know what more you want. [7/26/2017 1:27:28 AM] aj: If only I could LIFT you out of this height obsession. [7/26/2017 1:27:34 AM] girl: I dont know im feeling sensitive okay!! [7/26/2017 1:27:53 AM] girl: you couldnt im very heavy and cumbersome to carry!! [7/26/2017 1:28:46 AM] aj: I could go for another shot or two at height, but I feel like being nice. [7/26/2017 1:30:27 AM] girl: wiki says most japanese women are 5'2"... four more inches is not BAD... [7/26/2017 1:30:40 AM] girl: I could probably carry YOU! I can carry ari [7/26/2017 1:30:59 AM] aj: Nah.  I could probably carry you, though. [7/26/2017 1:31:24 AM] girl: I could! Ari is taller than you... and used to be fatter.... im very talented!! [7/26/2017 1:32:21 AM] girl: Kitty can carry me but most people cannot... ari can sometimes [7/26/2017 1:33:10 AM] girl: but i carry ari all the time. Fun party trick little girlfriend carry big boyfriend. [7/26/2017 1:33:18 AM] aj: I'm like, 235 and around 15% bodyfat.  I haven't weighed myself recently. [7/26/2017 1:33:45 AM] girl: Ive carried ari at bigger (´・ω・`) [7/26/2017 1:34:04 AM] girl: (´・ω・`) im strong girl [7/26/2017 1:34:13 AM] aj: Yeah, now, I wanna know how much you weigh so I can say If I could carry you or not. [7/26/2017 1:35:06 AM] girl: I think around the same... maybe heavier or lighter depending on how much adderall im doing [7/26/2017 1:35:21 AM] aj: Same as me? [7/26/2017 1:35:35 AM] girl: Yeah! [7/26/2017 1:35:40 AM] aj: I could carry you. [7/26/2017 1:36:10 AM] girl: Nt for long bitch.... swallows 1000 protein powder [7/26/2017 1:36:23 AM] aj: Hmm. [7/26/2017 1:36:43 AM] aj: For at least half a minute.  Depends on how I was carrying you. [7/26/2017 1:37:12 AM] girl: I could carry you around my house (´ ∀ ` *) [7/26/2017 1:37:28 AM] aj: Yeah, but why would you, when I could carry you around your house. [7/26/2017 1:37:42 AM] girl: I CPULD spin you around probably [7/26/2017 1:37:51 AM] girl: I can spin hope around its quite cute [7/26/2017 1:38:38 AM] girl: Brittany my other dumb middle school friend is like the size of my forearm. I could probably throw her   [7/26/2017 1:39:03 AM] girl: the only thing i cant do is give you a ride on my back because youre a tall horrible freak [7/26/2017 1:39:59 AM] aj: You're being cute. [7/26/2017 1:41:11 AM] girl: im demonstrating that i am very strong and tall... Aggressive and territorial behavior [7/26/2017 1:41:33 AM] girl: dont fluster me [7/26/2017 1:42:01 AM] aj: I mean, you're being cute. [7/26/2017 1:42:28 AM] aj: I could spin you around, and pick you up.  Probably if I did it just right, you could ride on my back. [7/26/2017 1:42:43 AM] girl: That sounds fake and like a lie [7/26/2017 1:42:55 AM] aj: The back part I'm iffy on. [7/26/2017 1:43:08 AM] aj: The most I've put on my back is like, 225 pounds. [7/26/2017 1:43:44 AM] girl: don't call me cute.. i mean do because it nurtures my tender little ego but im flustered so [7/26/2017 1:43:56 AM] girl: i dont think ive ever been on anyomes back LOL [7/26/2017 1:44:10 AM] girl: except for when i was like, a kid [7/26/2017 1:44:31 AM] girl: I would be very scared about breakinf someones fucking spine [7/26/2017 1:45:19 AM] aj: I took up lifting weights like... I guess a year and a half ago, now.  My numbers aren't super impressive or anything.  Nor is my bodytype or anything, so I don't like mentioning it.  But my point is that for sure I could pick you up and spin you. [7/26/2017 1:45:46 AM] girl: I tried it for a little while but its so boring.... [7/26/2017 1:46:08 AM] aj: It's boring, but it's something I just do for me. [7/26/2017 1:46:19 AM] aj: I feel better when I do, and my posture is good now. [7/26/2017 1:46:22 AM] aj: So yeah. [7/26/2017 1:47:06 AM] girl: I compensate for my lack of arm strength by having rly strong legs from carrying around my fat little hips all day [7/26/2017 1:48:01 AM] aj: Sounds right. [7/26/2017 1:48:06 AM] girl: My hip width is extremely... cumbersome.... LOL. Speaking of which [7/26/2017 1:48:31 AM] aj: You'll fluster me if you keep being cute. [7/26/2017 1:48:50 AM] girl: You're flusterinf me you fucking idiot [7/26/2017 1:48:59 AM] girl: It's not cute... I should [7/26/2017 1:49:04 AM] girl: Draw something really quick [7/26/2017 1:49:24 AM] girl: I mean it IS cute when im standing up but its Like [7/26/2017 1:49:29 AM] girl: Let me justt [7/26/2017 1:53:28 AM] girl: Nnightmarish [7/26/2017 1:53:49 AM] aj:  /patpat [7/26/2017 1:53:58 AM] aj: Should I say the cute thing or should I spare you? [7/26/2017 1:54:36 AM] girl: Hmm [7/26/2017 1:55:11 AM] girl: Embarrassed / Pleased ratio approximation [7/26/2017 1:55:20 AM] girl: ? [7/26/2017 1:55:25 AM] aj: 1:1 [7/26/2017 1:55:53 AM] girl: Oh boy [7/26/2017 1:57:00 AM] girl: am i being praised or is it just to tease me [7/26/2017 1:57:23 AM] aj: Neither. [7/26/2017 1:57:57 AM] girl: Hmmmm... I guess I'm morw curious than afraid [7/26/2017 1:58:03 AM] girl: Hit me [7/26/2017 1:58:34 AM] aj: The text under the arrow is wrong. [7/26/2017 1:58:49 AM] aj: It should read: "Arm of big spoon goes here." [7/26/2017 1:59:03 AM] girl: AJ [7/26/2017 1:59:11 AM] girl: THATS SO FUCKING GAY LOL [7/26/2017 1:59:16 AM] aj: =P [7/26/2017 2:00:17 AM] girl: Dont you =p me you little demon [7/26/2017 2:00:40 AM] aj: Was it 1:1? [7/26/2017 2:01:00 AM] aj: I want to know if my approximation was correct. [7/26/2017 2:01:08 AM] girl: None of your business [7/26/2017 2:03:11 AM] aj: Hmmph. [7/26/2017 2:03:22 AM] girl: Baby. [7/26/2017 2:03:50 AM] aj: I was just pretty sure I was right on the dot for that approximation. [7/26/2017 2:06:21 AM] girl: I don't know [7/26/2017 2:06:59 AM] girl: It's embarrassing to keep thinking about [7/26/2017 2:07:11 AM] aj: Fair enough. [7/26/2017 2:07:19 AM] aj: and, I'll =P as I please. [7/26/2017 2:07:32 AM] girl: !! [7/26/2017 2:07:39 AM] girl: The nerve [7/26/2017 2:07:49 AM] aj: You appreciate it. [7/26/2017 2:09:24 AM] girl: Appreciate what? [7/26/2017 2:10:30 AM] aj: The nerve. [7/26/2017 2:10:56 AM] girl: Only sometimes, and mostly because im a masochist [7/26/2017 2:11:40 AM] girl: The other part of that being because its kind of fun to be shocked by someone's blatantly horrible behavior [7/26/2017 2:12:39 AM] girl: But I'm also a finnicky girl who wants exactly what i want most times and cries and cries of injustive when  things don't go my way. Sometimes. [7/26/2017 2:13:26 AM] girl: Well. Kitty says I chastise myself too much for having normal traumatized girl reactions to things but I also think I'm perfectly capable of being a brat. [7/26/2017 2:14:17 AM] girl: What im saying is yes, a little, but only when you do it right and don't trample on my sensitive and finnicky little heart [7/26/2017 2:14:29 AM] girl: =p is ugly too [7/26/2017 2:14:52 AM] aj: See you always add something on the end. [7/26/2017 2:15:21 AM] aj: and, considering any talking to you whatsoever is blatantly horrible behavior [7/26/2017 2:16:21 AM] aj: and you cry injustice and are a self-professed brat.  Well.  I don't really know what to say. [7/26/2017 2:17:48 AM] girl: That doesn't bother me much at the moment. I've come to terms with the fact that I am a sick baby who feels much more comforted when you're around than when you're not, so you only have to worry about that a little [7/26/2017 2:19:10 AM] girl: Like I said, do what you want but do your best not to make me cry. idiot [7/26/2017 2:22:28 AM] aj: I mostly just tease and try to listen to you. [7/26/2017 2:22:53 AM] aj: You're easily flustered, so I guess I do that, too. [7/26/2017 2:23:25 AM] aj: Sometimes I mean to.  Sometimes I don't.  I'm messed up, but I also realize that if I just cut contact with you, you'd hate me more than if I was around and messed up. [7/26/2017 2:24:38 AM] girl: Im not fussed [7/26/2017 2:24:51 AM] girl: Just being a little mean, not entirely on purpose [7/26/2017 2:25:00 AM | Removed 2:32:45 AM] aj: This message has been removed. [7/26/2017 2:25:06 AM] girl: Ew [7/26/2017 2:25:23 AM] girl: Looks like a power outlet [7/26/2017 2:26:21 AM] aj: Dummy. [7/26/2017 2:28:05 AM] girl: Youre a dummy... [7/26/2017 2:28:17 AM] girl: The face is too close together... eyes [7/26/2017 2:29:35 AM] girl: I feel like getting drunk but I dont feel like drinking like. Grand marnier by itself. 🙄🙄🙄🙄 [7/26/2017 2:30:13 AM] girl: Mostly because... its boring to be... understimulated... [7/26/2017 2:30:58 AM | Removed 2:32:27 AM] aj: This message has been removed. [7/26/2017 2:32:08 AM] girl: I hate it... [7/26/2017 2:33:05 AM] girl: Did you just delete that so you wouldnt have to look at the emoji... [7/26/2017 2:33:21 AM] aj: Yep. [7/26/2017 2:33:28 AM] girl: ...... [7/26/2017 2:34:15 AM] girl: Honestly [7/26/2017 2:34:28 AM] girl: At least i dont have to look at that stupid face [7/26/2017 2:34:38 AM] girl: (´ ∀ ` *) [7/26/2017 2:36:25 AM] girl: It's weird to me how i could still strangely feel so... actively... warm about you. It doesn't bother me much, I'm complicit whn it comes to caring about my own freak indulgences [7/26/2017 2:37:39 AM] girl: I didn't word that last part quite the way i wanted to but you get me [7/26/2017 2:37:58 AM] aj: Yeah, I understand. [7/26/2017 2:43:20 AM] girl: I am so [7/26/2017 2:45:59 AM] girl: Sad that [7/26/2017 2:46:15 AM] girl: This picture of a cat with impact text saying [7/26/2017 2:46:26 AM] girl: Hop in we are going to chernobyl isnt sending [7/26/2017 2:47:26 AM] aj:  /patpat [7/26/2017 2:47:46 AM] girl: Important picture [7/26/2017 2:48:50 AM] aj: I'm getting some rest. [7/26/2017 2:48:59 AM] aj: Sleep well when you do. [7/26/2017 2:49:10 AM] girl: I'm getting some [7/26/2017 2:49:17 AM] girl: alcohol in my sick litttle body [7/26/2017 2:49:24 AM] girl: 💤💤💤 [7/26/2017 2:50:24 AM] aj: I think that on every level, we probably drastically disagree with each other.  I think that those disagreements wouldn't be possible to reconcile, too.  But... [7/26/2017 2:50:35 AM] aj: I'm happy people like you exist, and that you exist. [7/26/2017 2:50:53 AM] girl: Thats gay [7/26/2017 2:51:02 AM] girl: Dont make me cry when im not even drunk at all [7/26/2017 2:51:51 AM] aj: Stupid. [7/26/2017 2:51:58 AM] girl: Youre stupid [7/26/2017 2:52:08 AM] aj: Yeah, I am. [7/26/2017 2:52:21 AM] girl: I knew you'd say that [7/26/2017 2:53:26 AM] girl: <3 bye [7/26/2017 2:53:32 AM] aj: It's the truth.  Seeya. [7/26/2017 5:36:30 AM | Removed 5:42:43 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [7/26/2017 5:36:45 AM | Removed 5:42:50 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [7/26/2017 5:37:25 AM | Removed 5:42:57 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [7/26/2017 5:37:35 AM | Removed 5:43:10 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [7/26/2017 5:41:21 AM | Removed 5:43:03 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [7/26/2017 5:42:40 AM | Removed 5:43:16 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [7/26/2017 11:32:22 AM] aj: Probably for the best that I didn't see that stuff, eh? [7/26/2017 11:33:04 AM] girl: Oh my god [7/26/2017 11:33:16 AM] girl: It tells you that i deleted things????? [7/26/2017 11:33:44 AM] aj: Mhm. [7/26/2017 11:34:31 AM] girl: Aye yi yi [7/26/2017 11:34:40 AM] girl: It wasn't anything serious [7/26/2017 11:34:47 AM] girl: I was just being embarrassing [7/26/2017 11:35:59 AM] girl: I was thinking abt texting you though but I didn't want to be obnoxious lol but if youre on later I have... even... more... family drama loool [7/26/2017 11:36:19 AM] girl: ari is like pisst [7/26/2017 11:37:12 AM] aj: Sorry to hear that last part.  I'll be on late, again. [7/26/2017 11:37:18 AM] aj: but might check this later. [7/26/2017 11:37:53 AM] aj: So you can if you like.  It's not obnoxious [7/26/2017 11:38:35 AM] girl: Mmkay [7/26/2017 11:39:33 AM] girl: I'm gonna eat waffles and caffeine the irritability away [7/26/2017 11:39:46 AM] aj:  /patpat [7/26/2017 11:40:07 AM] aj: Alright.  I was just concerned you were okay. [7/26/2017 11:56:38 AM] girl: Nah m fine [7/26/2017 11:56:48 AM] girl: Just annoyed and stressed [7/26/2017 12:29:43 PM] girl: This hot little mess LOL.... she had a fourth child after my brother came along. When she was already making her kids share rooms..... which is an interesting choice.... [7/26/2017 12:30:19 PM] girl: Likr maybe dont have another baby when your husband is never home and you've taken legal guardianship of my brother??? [7/26/2017 12:36:35 PM] girl: This is the daughter of the one who made the slightly insensitive racial comments [7/26/2017 3:17:32 PM] girl: Lol im su h a crybaby i hate her so fucking much [7/26/2017 3:23:08 PM] girl: I hate her sooo fucking much [7/26/2017 3:23:45 PM] girl: I'm not equipped to take care of a 15 year old but she clearly doesn't Fucking know how either [7/26/2017 3:24:20 PM] girl: Idfk what to do looool there are so many people im looking forward to never talking to again [7/26/2017 3:41:37 PM] girl: Anyway i hope she and her creep ass husband die alone [7/26/2017 6:03:04 PM] girl: Ohhh my god [7/26/2017 6:03:24 PM] girl: Sorry for all this but you did give me permission so im going on ahead but ahe fucking [7/26/2017 6:03:35 PM] girl: Left me this scary ass voice message [7/26/2017 6:04:39 PM] girl: She sounded like she was trying and failing to contain her rage by being peppy after i said well talk next week bc i need to figure thimhs out [7/26/2017 6:05:31 PM] girl: And she like immediately called me after I said like, no, you just sprung this on me out of nowhere, im gonna call you next week lol [7/26/2017 6:08:02 PM] girl: Seemed like a creepy little way to try and assert power over mw lol shes like the younger morw evil version of her already quite evil and annoying mother [7/26/2017 9:20:01 PM] girl: Sweaty..... [7/26/2017 11:25:42 PM] girl: I slept a lot in bed and its so hot.... [7/27/2017 1:33:50 AM] girl: Anyway thats my. Psycho aunt problems and mow im a bit drunk again but its ooookay [7/27/2017 1:33:56 AM] girl: Cousin i mean [7/27/2017 1:33:59 AM] girl: Whatever. [7/27/2017 1:34:18 AM] girl: I'm making an egg at 1:30 am bc i respect myswlf [7/27/2017 1:42:16 AM] girl: Hmm [7/27/2017 1:42:21 AM] girl: Sometimes in life [7/27/2017 1:42:26 AM] girl: You are just [7/27/2017 1:42:41 AM] girl: Drunk enough to rhink that the cinammon is paprika :((( [7/27/2017 1:54:30 AM] aj: lmao [7/27/2017 1:54:34 AM] aj: Fail. [7/27/2017 1:55:23 AM] girl: Im shocked [7/27/2017 1:55:27 AM] girl: You said [7/27/2017 1:55:32 AM] girl: fail... [7/27/2017 1:55:54 AM] aj: You added cinnamon instead of paprika. [7/27/2017 1:55:58 AM] aj: What else was I supposed to say? [7/27/2017 1:56:20 AM] girl: I'm INEBNRIATED [7/27/2017 1:56:38 AM] aj: Sure, that means it's funny on top of being stupid. [7/27/2017 1:56:43 AM] aj: Instead of just being stupid. [7/27/2017 1:57:31 AM] girl: i thought it would be okay to. Um. [7/27/2017 1:58:07 AM] girl: Finish my boyfriends drink even though i know im a little fucking light weight. And. It wasn't as okay as i initially thought it would be [7/27/2017 1:58:47 AM] aj: You suffer from a chronic case of bad judgment, don't you? [7/27/2017 1:59:38 AM] girl: Shut up??? [7/27/2017 2:00:05 AM] girl: Anywathats my drama [7/27/2017 2:00:29 AM] girl: I'm fucking love lana del rey and i cannot wait to be estranged from most of my family or they die [7/27/2017 2:14:59 AM] aj: Heh.  I'm getting some rest. [7/27/2017 2:15:09 AM] aj: Sleep well when you do.  Don't make more dumb mistakes. [7/27/2017 2:15:34 AM] girl: Yourw dumb [7/27/2017 2:15:36 AM] girl: Idiot [7/27/2017 2:16:01 AM] aj: I'm not cinnamon-in-my-eggs dumb [7/27/2017 2:16:22 AM] girl: Shut up [7/27/2017 2:16:26 AM] girl: Thats not my fault [7/27/2017 2:16:33 AM] girl: The bottles look VERY SIMILAR [7/27/2017 2:16:58 AM] aj: I can't imagine who else could be at fault. [7/27/2017 2:17:13 AM] girl: Oh my god [7/27/2017 2:17:20 AM] girl: Piss off, eat shit and Die [7/27/2017 2:17:31 AM] girl: It was a really hard time [7/27/2017 12:13:42 PM] girl: Hhh [7/27/2017 12:13:52 PM] girl: Im s tired [7/27/2017 10:14:41 PM] girl: why is everyone so fucked up and inappropriate [7/27/2017 10:14:54 PM] girl: so so fucked up and inappropriate it is SHOCKING and offensive?! [7/27/2017 10:16:58 PM] girl: this girl elliot just came over and told me about all this shit my lesbian friends i have a lot of lesbian.friends. did in the woods. when they hung out together. and one of them said 'wow you have saggy old lady tits just like me' to some other girl and its like UM THAT'S INAPPROPRIATE MISS [7/27/2017 10:18:04 PM] girl: act fucking normal you fucking freak. she then left her a note later (everyone was leaving notes. to each other) about how she 'saw (herself) in (the other girl) and (her) pendulum breasts' [7/27/2017 10:19:10 PM] girl: IF ANYONE EVER SAID THAT TO ME ID FUCKING DECK THEM!!! [7/27/2017 10:19:36 PM] girl: i was shocked. shocked. i was shaken to my fucking core i could not believe that sick little freak said that. and also she said it to like a fat girl and she is NOT FAT and it's NOT THE SAME and it was fucked up of her. i would throw her to jail [7/28/2017 2:18:35 AM] aj: I'm shocked.  Absolutely shocked.  I was under the impression that lesbians were the last bastion of appropriate and inoffensive behavior. [7/28/2017 2:19:20 AM] aj: But really, everyone is messed up. [7/28/2017 2:19:26 AM] aj: That transcends all boundaries. [7/28/2017 2:26:10 AM] girl: Aj [7/28/2017 2:26:49 AM] girl: There are a lot of lesbians who are good and right and there are a lot of lesbians who do their best despite being a bit on the spectrum [7/28/2017 2:27:00 AM] aj: Isn't that the same for everyone? [7/28/2017 2:27:22 AM] girl: No you fool [7/28/2017 2:28:49 AM] girl: Lesbian community is like a bunch of normal girls and a bunch of like very sensitive freaks yelling and mostly wveruone gets alomg because it's understood that you let screamers scream and gently guide them away from spiraling into hell [7/28/2017 2:29:27 AM] girl: Im not a lespbian but im the favorite bihet [7/28/2017 2:29:32 AM] aj: I fail to see how that's different from most other groupings in humanity, aside from orientation. [7/28/2017 2:30:13 AM] aj: Your description covers most of humanity, in one form or another. [7/28/2017 2:30:19 AM] girl: Less explicit focus on hierarchy in my experience [7/28/2017 2:30:32 AM] girl: And nobody gets along [7/28/2017 2:31:50 AM] aj: I'll give you the hierarchy thing.  But that seems more common in female dominant groups? [7/28/2017 2:32:11 AM] girl: What does [7/28/2017 2:32:31 AM] aj: Female dominant groups seem less focused on strictly defined hierarchies. [7/28/2017 2:32:43 AM] aj: They still exist, but they're less overt, is what I mean. [7/28/2017 2:32:48 AM] girl: Yeah [7/28/2017 2:33:13 AM] girl: They also like to hang out in the woods together. Like a lot [7/28/2017 2:33:29 AM] girl: I was gonna go hang out in the woods but i really hate camping a lot [7/28/2017 2:33:57 AM] aj: but I think that's more intrinsic to female group behavior than lesbians.  I actually wonder if it'd be less than het groups of women, due to some signaling coming from lesbians that go for more butch attitudes/mannerisms. [7/28/2017 2:34:19 AM] aj: I'm speaking out of my depth of experience, so don't take anything I say as stuff other than speculation. [7/28/2017 2:35:50 AM] girl: It's a topic i have a lot of theories on. I think with het women there is. A tendency to preen weirdly but even so i like the company of girls alone and the absence of someone were all intimidated by [7/28/2017 2:36:30 AM] girl: I don't talk about it much though [7/28/2017 2:36:48 AM] aj: Yeah, I've noticed the het women preening or a hierarchy that forms.  But considering I'm a man, the only time I can observe it is when some or all of that group is around men.  Privately, it might be wholly different.  All male groups act entirely different when not around females. [7/28/2017 2:37:09 AM] aj: I just have no idea how lesbians organize, esp. in the absence of men. [7/28/2017 2:37:44 AM] girl: Yeah. Girls are much more quiet and conscious of their speech patterns and posture around men and i find it a little [7/28/2017 2:37:47 AM] girl: Heartbreaking [7/28/2017 2:39:00 AM] girl: I do it too lol but men treat girls better and more like people they want to be close to and people they can tryst if they also think they have a chance with thwm romantically. In my... experience [7/28/2017 2:39:10 AM] aj: Men are much more competitive and prone to throwing each other under the bus if female attention is available.  Without females around, men usually take a little time to establish a hierarchy, and then everyone cooperates really, really well. [7/28/2017 2:40:11 AM] aj: Yeah, you're right in that.  But without that pressure for female attention, men are more able to be open with each other.  Even emotionally.  It's really sad because I've seen guys do each other wrong over stupid, stupid shit that had to do with the opposite sex. [7/28/2017 2:40:54 AM] girl: Like even with girls ive been attracted or girls who have been attracted to me or both to ive been able to be really close to without feeling my relationship is going to disappear if nothing happens in that department [7/28/2017 2:41:26 AM] girl: And with men I consistently hit a wall there i think [7/28/2017 2:42:21 AM] girl: Like i can only get so close to a Man [7/28/2017 2:42:51 AM] girl: Unless I also want to be his girlfriend or his mommy lol [7/28/2017 2:43:32 AM] girl: Which really doesn't help my self esteem but thats why i hang out with lesbians who love me despite my glaring faults like being a little bihet (´・ω・`) [7/28/2017 2:43:44 AM] aj: That's understandable. [7/28/2017 2:44:29 AM] aj: Men work differently, I think.  Everything I'm about to say could be torn to pieces by someone who studies that field for a living.  But... [7/28/2017 2:46:36 AM] aj: Even if we were somehow a fully equal society.  I think that the men who reproduced, for a long period of time, were the ones that had stronger provider instincts.  I think that correlating with this provider instinct is also an inability to differentiate emotional closeness from romantic notions. [7/28/2017 2:47:32 AM] aj: We could say it's socialization and culture and we just need to raise men differently, but I feel like there are compelling biological reasons that have some hand in this, at a vague level? [7/28/2017 2:48:11 AM] aj: and the only thing I can think of that would make it biological is long-term selection for certain traits. [7/28/2017 2:49:02 AM] girl: I'm not really bothered by the idea that things are biologically different but I think men are brought up sickly [7/28/2017 2:49:55 AM] girl: It doesn't matter much [7/28/2017 2:50:35 AM] aj: In three generations, every last expectation that men were supposed to meet has been upended.  We're in this weird mix and it's difficult to adapt.  Like trying to wear baby shoes as an adolescent. [7/28/2017 2:50:45 AM] aj: I agree there are problems with how men are brought up. [7/28/2017 2:51:06 AM] aj: I just really don't have a solution. [7/28/2017 2:51:42 AM] aj: It's possible that cultural changes will only accelerate more and more, requiring people to constantly socialize.  Like some sort of Red Queen Alice in Wonderland shit.  I dunno. [7/28/2017 2:52:08 AM] aj: Or that we get a new norm as things stratify again.  Or the modern world shits itself and we unlearn everything. [7/28/2017 2:52:19 AM] aj: But, yeah.  Men are brought up wrong. [7/28/2017 2:52:42 AM] girl: You know, whatever gets less horrible men in my life is a okay with me [7/28/2017 2:52:49 AM] aj: Heh. [7/28/2017 2:53:06 AM] aj: I could stop talking with you.  That'd be one less horrible man in your life.  =P [7/28/2017 2:53:33 AM] girl: Too late for that one, I think [7/28/2017 2:54:49 AM] girl: I'm just tired of it, idk. [7/28/2017 2:55:00 AM] aj:  /patpat [7/28/2017 2:56:10 AM] girl: Getting drunk feels awful and im glad im not drunk [7/28/2017 2:56:26 AM] aj: I'm moving soon. [7/28/2017 2:56:33 AM] girl: Me too [7/28/2017 2:56:34 AM] aj: Probably the week after next.  Maybe sooner. [7/28/2017 2:56:49 AM] girl: Did you find somewhere? [7/28/2017 2:56:56 AM] aj: So, I won't be around so much for conversations like this.  I'll have to start getting ready for the next semester.  Yeah. [7/28/2017 2:57:18 AM] girl: That's kind of sad but I'll survive. [7/28/2017 2:57:29 AM] aj: The person I was going to move out with decided he suddenly didn't want to transfer [7/28/2017 2:57:33 AM] aj: so I'm going all by myself. [7/28/2017 2:57:47 AM] aj: and basically know nobody, where I'm headed. [7/28/2017 2:58:36 AM] aj: I'll be fine, but the thought of it all is making me think a lot about what I've been up to.  I legitimately pulled a friend out of a spiral of depression, and I think he has the tools now to live an okay life.  I feel really good about it. [7/28/2017 2:59:18 AM] aj: I'm cool with my family, and feel bad about leaving. [7/28/2017 2:59:29 AM] aj: but I have a really good opportunity. [7/28/2017 2:59:30 AM] girl: Haha [7/28/2017 2:59:35 AM] girl: That makes one of us [7/28/2017 2:59:41 AM] aj: Yeah. [7/28/2017 3:00:04 AM] aj: I'm scared, in a sense. [7/28/2017 3:00:25 AM] aj: Because, looking at it all as I'm about to go, I'm pretty happy. [7/28/2017 3:01:11 AM] girl: I hope it's fine. California is so pretty and arizona sucks ass no offense. It's very very pretty and honey vanilla lattes at urth are all i live for and I really want one rn but i cant because im not in california [7/28/2017 3:01:20 AM] aj: But I think that I'm someone who'll never be happy while I'm doing stuff like this.  Like, I'm happy I got to this point.  But I never had that moment where I went "I'm happy" while it was happening. [7/28/2017 3:01:36 AM] aj: and I'm fine with being that sort of person. [7/28/2017 3:01:43 AM] girl: Doing stuff like whT [7/28/2017 3:01:52 AM] aj: Either I'm so caught up in things I don't have time to think about it. [7/28/2017 3:02:11 AM] aj: Academics.  Spending time with friends.  Hobbies.  Lots of reading and contemplating. [7/28/2017 3:02:16 AM] aj: Some work. [7/28/2017 3:02:37 AM] aj: I get caught up in doing things and don't realize I'm happy until radical shifts in my habits or schedule comes in. [7/28/2017 3:02:58 AM] aj: Which makes it hard to change because then I have things that I realize make me happy, versus new things. [7/28/2017 3:03:00 AM] girl: What does make you happy? [7/28/2017 3:03:19 AM] aj: Looking back and knowing that I made the lives of people around me better.. [7/28/2017 3:03:34 AM] aj: My sister and mom are happier people, now. [7/28/2017 3:03:39 AM] aj: and I played a good role in that. [7/28/2017 3:03:43 AM] aj: Same with my friends. [7/28/2017 3:04:26 AM] girl: That's a really big and complicated thing to feel happy about. A good thing to feel happy about but [7/28/2017 3:04:57 AM] aj: When I get busy doing things, I don't really feel where the time goes, so I don't experience it as a happy thing. [7/28/2017 3:05:06 AM] aj: At best, I'll feel spent and feel okay about my efforts. [7/28/2017 3:05:22 AM] aj: but that's not like, happy. [7/28/2017 3:05:45 AM] girl: I think I've turned into a very simple girl in some aspects. Have you tried looking into the eyes of your cat lately? It's sad to me that you can only feel like you're satisfied looking behind you [7/28/2017 3:06:48 AM] girl: But i think when i stopped being so horrifically traumatized i turned back into some kind of woman child [7/28/2017 3:07:00 AM] aj: I didn't, but I picked him up and held him like he liked when he was a kitten.  He's orange and white and got fur all over my black shirt, but  he enjoyed it.  I rubbed his belly. [7/28/2017 3:07:02 AM] aj: It was good. [7/28/2017 3:07:18 AM] girl: I didnt know you really had a cat [7/28/2017 3:07:23 AM] girl: I feel like crying [7/28/2017 3:07:29 AM] girl: Thats such a relief..... [7/28/2017 3:07:29 AM] aj: He's a sweetie. [7/28/2017 3:07:36 AM] aj: Same with our puppy. [7/28/2017 3:07:41 AM] girl: They're so important [7/28/2017 3:07:46 AM] girl: AAAAAHHHHH [7/28/2017 3:07:54 AM] girl: pics pics pics pics pics pics pics [7/28/2017 3:07:55 AM] aj: We got him when he was 8 weeks.  He had parvo.  German Shepherd. [7/28/2017 3:08:10 AM] girl: I'm wheezing [7/28/2017 3:08:18 AM] aj: So, my mother, sister, and I spent a whole week and a half.  One of us up with him, 24/7. [7/28/2017 3:08:26 AM] aj: He nearly died.  We pulled him through it. [7/28/2017 3:08:46 AM] aj: It would have broken my mother's heart, so I took all of the night shifts, and about a solid week off of classes. [7/28/2017 3:08:56 AM] aj: The only reason I could do that is because my professors all loved me. [7/28/2017 3:09:01 AM] girl: Cats and dogs are so importany.... thats so important... that you love that fucking dog... i could just die. Oh my god   [7/28/2017 3:09:02 AM] aj: But yeah. [7/28/2017 3:09:05 AM] girl: Aj... [7/28/2017 3:09:12 AM] girl: Thtats too fucking sweet [7/28/2017 3:09:25 AM] aj: The first night he got here, I slept outside with him.  He came from a litter of 8 and they all slept outside. [7/28/2017 3:09:33 AM] aj: So the first night, I spent out in the back yard with him so he'd be comfy. [7/28/2017 3:10:06 AM] girl: I could just die [7/28/2017 3:10:08 AM] aj: He's a sweetie now.  Really smart.  Really playful. [7/28/2017 3:10:12 AM] aj: You'd never know he was sick. [7/28/2017 3:10:20 AM] girl: I'm being very vocal about it [7/28/2017 3:10:34 AM] girl: It hurts im fucking asthmatic [7/28/2017 3:10:41 AM] girl: What the fuck [7/28/2017 3:10:57 AM] girl: How could you fucking say any of that [7/28/2017 3:11:17 AM] aj: Our old German Shepherd passed last year, and my mom finally settled on another one, because she needs a good animal companion.  New puppy has the same name as the nickname of our old dog.  We took that as a sign. [7/28/2017 3:11:42 AM] aj: So, when he arrived, and when he got sick, I put everything on hold because it would have broke my mom if he died. [7/28/2017 3:11:51 AM] girl: Aj what the fuck you love her and you love that fucking dog [7/28/2017 3:12:01 AM] girl: Thats too fucking sweet [7/28/2017 3:12:04 AM] aj: Especially since our close friend suicide. [7/28/2017 3:12:16 AM] girl: Youre so fucking nice to her [7/28/2017 3:12:36 AM] girl: I cant even think about it [7/28/2017 3:13:16 AM] girl: I'm so overwhelmed lol im sorry i cant believe yoursweet dog is so healthy and so sweet and probably has perfect paws [7/28/2017 3:13:43 AM] aj: I don't have any pictures on my computer.  I can text you a few if you want. [7/28/2017 3:13:56 AM] aj: I realize you having my number is probably the last thing that should happen. [7/28/2017 3:14:02 AM] aj: But eh. [7/28/2017 3:14:08 AM] girl: 4257706054 [7/28/2017 3:14:22 AM] girl: im. Desperate [7/28/2017 3:16:18 AM] girl: I cant stop like dry sobbing thinking about dogs fuck [7/28/2017 3:16:48 AM] girl: Sushi and wasabi are at aris moms house and they are fucking fat as sin [7/28/2017 3:17:12 AM] girl: Bc were moving and. I dont aant them to escape or go through more stress than usual [7/28/2017 3:17:39 AM] girl: But opwning a can of tuna and not having some FAT FUCK screaming at you desperately for it is heartbreaking [7/28/2017 3:17:52 AM] aj: That's puppy him.  When he was fiiiiiiiiiiirst first here. [7/28/2017 3:18:42 AM] girl: LOL WHAT THE FUCK [7/28/2017 3:19:13 AM] girl: YOUR CATTTT [7/28/2017 3:19:23 AM] aj: They're friends. [7/28/2017 3:20:01 AM] aj: and there's a video of him, much more recently. [7/28/2017 3:20:11 AM] aj: He used to be afraid of the hose, but he now does stuff like that. [7/28/2017 3:20:18 AM] aj: The hose is big fun, now. [7/28/2017 3:21:04 AM] girl: What The Fuck [7/28/2017 3:21:31 AM] girl: Im so fucking overwhelmed what is his name... and the cats... theyre so fucking beautiful [7/28/2017 3:21:47 AM] aj: The dog's name is Moose. [7/28/2017 3:21:55 AM] aj: Our old dog's nickname was Moose. [7/28/2017 3:22:17 AM] aj: The cat's name is Fritz. [7/28/2017 3:22:34 AM] girl: I' need like a fucking xanax it just isnt right theyre both so fucking sweet its just not fucking right [7/28/2017 3:22:59 AM] aj: When Moose gets playful, he still sort of nips like a puppy [7/28/2017 3:23:08 AM] aj: So he's sometimes Battle Moose.  Or Bitey Moose. [7/28/2017 3:23:28 AM] aj: Or Moose Gatorious.  Like Alligator, only sort of if it were Roman. [7/28/2017 3:23:42 AM] girl: I cant handle this [7/28/2017 3:23:50 AM] girl: Hes so fucking sweet [7/28/2017 3:24:13 AM] aj: Yeah.  We all fell in love with him the moment we saw him. [7/28/2017 3:24:23 AM] girl: Bitch me the fuck too!!! [7/28/2017 3:24:31 AM] aj: =P [7/28/2017 3:24:35 AM] aj: and soon I have to leave him [7/28/2017 3:24:43 AM] aj: But I know he'll be a good dog for my mom and sister. [7/28/2017 3:24:51 AM] aj: He's big and he's learning obedience stuff. [7/28/2017 3:24:59 AM] aj: and so the two of them will feel safer with him around. [7/28/2017 3:25:08 AM] girl: he would never forget you or stop loving you [7/28/2017 3:25:28 AM] girl: Your cat is so fuckingb beautiful [7/28/2017 3:25:29 AM] aj: I know.  He's my baby boy.  He'll be happy when I come home to visit. [7/28/2017 3:25:58 AM] aj: Fritz is way cool.  He's super aloof outside, which is good.  If he was cuddly to strangers, it would be bad.  But when he's indoors, he's a big love. [7/28/2017 3:26:54 AM] girl: I carry treats around in my pocket for cats outside lol [7/28/2017 3:27:03 AM] girl: i would charm the pants off your cat [7/28/2017 3:27:26 AM] aj: The only time he was cool with me is when I spent literally 5 minutes slowly approaching him [7/28/2017 3:27:30 AM] aj: and he was on a brick wall [7/28/2017 3:27:40 AM] aj: giving me his aloof "I am in a higher spot than you, human" look [7/28/2017 3:27:48 AM] girl: LOL [7/28/2017 3:27:56 AM] aj: but he fell prey to headscritches. [7/28/2017 3:28:03 AM] aj: and got all purry [7/28/2017 3:28:04 AM] girl: As they tend to do [7/28/2017 3:28:07 AM] aj: before leaving in a huff. [7/28/2017 3:28:21 AM] aj: Of course, the wall was like, nearly 7 feet high. [7/28/2017 3:28:31 AM] aj: So my cat would have been safe from you, unless you had a ladder. [7/28/2017 3:28:38 AM] girl: i used to get in trouble a lot or at least get weird looks bc i sit in peoples driveways and pet their cats [7/28/2017 3:28:41 AM] girl: Shut the fuck up [7/28/2017 3:30:16 AM] girl: I think the college kids find it more endearing than my old neighbors did lol but i keep track of where ive seen cats and sit on the ground and wait for them.... [7/28/2017 3:30:24 AM] girl: I love your dog and cat so much [7/28/2017 3:30:35 AM] aj: They're sweeties. [7/28/2017 3:30:50 AM] girl: I would die for them [7/28/2017 3:31:15 AM] aj: Dog gets spoiled so much.  After he started being able to take food again, my mom would make him chicken and rice. [7/28/2017 3:31:27 AM] aj: So, he still gets some boiled chicken and white rice, even months later. [7/28/2017 3:31:30 AM] girl: Hello [7/28/2017 3:31:34 AM] girl: He should be [7/28/2017 3:31:40 AM] aj: Every time he hits a healthy weight, he then has a growth spurt. [7/28/2017 3:31:47 AM] aj: So he's not even 6 months old, and will be like [7/28/2017 3:31:49 AM] aj: 70 pounds. [7/28/2017 3:31:52 AM] girl: Good [7/28/2017 3:31:55 AM] aj: Yeah. [7/28/2017 3:32:07 AM] aj: We just joke that he'll keep it up at this rate and be a truly giant dog. [7/28/2017 3:32:48 AM] girl: I had a big elderly dog named max (terrible dog name, not my choice not my decision) who put his big fat head in my lap and had floppy little ears and was so big people crossed the street to avoid me and him [7/28/2017 3:33:08 AM] aj: d'awww [7/28/2017 3:33:59 AM] girl: Theyre very shockingly fat [7/28/2017 3:34:28 AM] aj: They are precious fur-babies. [7/28/2017 3:34:41 AM] girl: I don't know why. They have alwats been this way, and wasabi likes to be picked up and put on his back like a human infant [7/28/2017 3:34:47 AM] girl: Theyre fat [7/28/2017 3:35:04 AM] girl: Speaking of max, other max, kittys girlfriend, sent this, to me, in the mail? [7/28/2017 3:35:19 AM] aj: I am getting your cats if all of your next of kin perish in some freak tandem bicycle accident. [7/28/2017 3:36:15 AM] girl: Only if you promise to first love them and die for them if they ask like i would, and only if you promise to call them bastards in a shocked and offended voice at least once a dat [7/28/2017 3:36:17 AM] girl: Day [7/28/2017 3:36:18 AM] aj: Hahahahaha [7/28/2017 3:36:47 AM] girl: Max and kitty made this enormous pdf about how to take care of and nurture their precious baby bunny god forbid they are ever unable to care for her [7/28/2017 3:37:49 AM] girl: Its soooo good [7/28/2017 3:38:04 AM] aj: d'awww [7/28/2017 3:38:08 AM] girl: Bunny is a cat BTW not a bunny i would fucking die for her shes so fucking fat ughhhh [7/28/2017 3:38:36 AM] girl: Lol can you tell im unmedicated for One Or More Things. I can [7/28/2017 3:38:55 AM] girl: Shut up girl LOL jk id never fucking shut up abojt cats [7/28/2017 3:39:25 AM] girl: Aj its sooo fucked up its so beautiful i read it to aris mom and she died for it [7/28/2017 3:39:33 AM] girl: I think we would all die for bunny [7/28/2017 3:39:49 AM] girl: bunnifer evangeline [7/28/2017 3:40:24 AM] girl: And her slightly uglier and less loving but still good and worthy of human sacrifice brother, roswell, [7/28/2017 3:40:50 AM] aj: Roswell is the hero we need, but don't deserve. [7/28/2017 3:40:58 AM] aj: I need not know anything about this creature. [7/28/2017 3:41:18 AM] aj: He was purposed on high to serve a role that no mortal may know or understand. [7/28/2017 3:41:28 AM] aj: But we're all better for his presence in this world. [7/28/2017 3:41:34 AM] aj: (I like the name.) [7/28/2017 3:41:56 AM] girl: They also have two retarded cats from this hoarder house wthat i think just has a population of purebreds who fucked each other until all the babies were stupid that both just wandered into their house [7/28/2017 3:42:08 AM] girl: And they are fucking beautiful and stupid as shit [7/28/2017 3:42:53 AM] aj: lmao [7/28/2017 3:43:02 AM] girl: Dandy is like my cats long lost beautiful and stupud brother and I very obviously covet him and am jealous that he isnt mine [7/28/2017 3:43:32 AM] girl: And pebble is beautiful and has partial albinism and is sooo fucking stupid and cries very softly in protest when you pick him up [7/28/2017 3:43:52 AM] girl: Im lile hyperventilating thinking about the last time i held him in my arms [7/28/2017 3:45:27 AM] girl: HES SO FUCKING STUPID it drives me CRAZY i love him so fucking much im sorry honestly rhis is me unfiltered and my wntire personality is that i fucking love cats and dogs and most other mammals and i cant fucking help it and it makes me die and i cant believe how fucking stupud pebble is and i feel like i could just die for any cat or dog [7/28/2017 3:45:54 AM] aj: It's fine.  I just need to shower and sleep, shortly. [7/28/2017 3:45:58 AM] girl: I left the room because ari was becoming worried and said honey theres just dogs in thw world [7/28/2017 3:46:09 AM] girl: Who showers at 4 am [7/28/2017 3:46:46 AM] aj: Someone who finished swimming before talking with you. [7/28/2017 3:47:01 AM] girl: Who swims at 2 am... [7/28/2017 3:47:07 AM] aj: Arizonans. [7/28/2017 3:47:11 AM] girl: sicko [7/28/2017 3:47:14 AM] aj: The pool is like [7/28/2017 3:47:16 AM] aj: 90 degrees. [7/28/2017 3:47:19 AM] aj: Perfect. [7/28/2017 3:47:19 AM] girl: I hate arizona [7/28/2017 3:48:25 AM] girl: Next time ur in a pool blast lana del reys new album and think of me dramatically and think of us (me and lana) looking deeply into each others eyes itll probably make your experience better [7/28/2017 3:48:55 AM] girl: Ari said he didnt like her hair and I honestly told him to fuck off and stop talking [7/28/2017 3:49:02 AM] aj: Aside from talking to you, I'm reading the RAND Corporation 2016 study on transgender people and military integration.  All the news articles mention it, but only one fucking linked to it and I am happy they did.  Reading the actual study is interesting because the researchers hedge a shit ton because sample sizes are so small. [7/28/2017 3:49:08 AM] aj: But it's interesting how thorough it is. [7/28/2017 3:49:27 AM] girl: I do not think about transgender issues ANY more [7/28/2017 3:50:03 AM] girl: but im glad you found something interesting to read [7/28/2017 3:50:18 AM] aj: I think probably the military would be just best as a guy only thing.  It is a shit job anyways.  But I know how terrible that sounds.  Anyways.  We don't live in a world where my opinion matters much. [7/28/2017 3:50:58 AM] aj: So I at least try and read the research people on each side offer for this. [7/28/2017 3:51:16 AM] girl: I think it is not healthy for your brain to be in the military and i would be overjoyed to never ever be drafted ever [7/28/2017 3:51:33 AM] girl: Amen [7/28/2017 3:51:34 AM] aj: I'd agree with that. [7/28/2017 3:52:07 AM] girl: I have never met any military men who ive been like wow that seems like someone who is safe and fun to be around and doesnt get mad when he drinks [7/28/2017 3:52:22 AM] aj: I don't get mad when I drink. [7/28/2017 3:52:29 AM] aj: But I'm houseplant levels of exciting. [7/28/2017 3:52:37 AM] aj: So, probably not fun to be around. [7/28/2017 3:52:45 AM] aj: and safe?  Nah. [7/28/2017 3:53:02 AM] aj: (Protip: I don't drink.) [7/28/2017 3:53:25 AM] aj: I sometimes brake before I put on the turn signal, so.  1005 unsafe. [7/28/2017 3:53:29 AM] aj: 100%* [7/28/2017 3:53:30 AM] girl: You dont seem like youd kill anybody but you do seem like youd have an uncomfortable emotional outburst [7/28/2017 3:53:40 AM] girl: In a kitchen [7/28/2017 3:53:44 AM] aj: Last time I drank, it was like, two beers? [7/28/2017 3:53:47 AM] aj: and it was fine. [7/28/2017 3:53:56 AM] aj: I just hate the feeling of being drunk. [7/28/2017 3:53:58 AM] aj: So. [7/28/2017 3:54:03 AM] girl: I cant drink much because im freakishly lightweight [7/28/2017 3:54:17 AM] girl: I... get drunk if i drink a bottle of kombucha.... [7/28/2017 3:54:31 AM] aj: Also, emotional outbursts are hella embarrassing.  I'd leave if I felt like I was getting there. [7/28/2017 3:54:49 AM] aj: Because my other option is to die from shame later. [7/28/2017 3:54:50 AM] girl: Yeah but i feel like you could, [7/28/2017 3:54:53 AM] aj: and I don't want to die. [7/28/2017 3:55:45 AM] aj: I'm emotionally open with you in ways I'm not with other people.  But also, I'm emotional towards you in ways I'm not with other people.  Everyone else in my life isn't fitted with our sordid history. [7/28/2017 3:56:29 AM] aj: I just don't like feeling drunk because the fogginess of mind bothers me. [7/28/2017 3:56:36 AM] girl: I like wheed better than alcohol but only if its like body high stuff. I used to just get rly rly rly high and i dony like it and i have sensitive little lungs. But I Do Love Adderall lol xo [7/28/2017 3:56:51 AM] aj: Hahahahah [7/28/2017 3:56:54 AM] girl: Me too but i feel that way most. Times whoch is why i love adderall loool [7/28/2017 3:57:01 AM] aj: Makes sense. [7/28/2017 3:57:24 AM] aj: So yeah.  But, I had to do a lot of self-care.  Maybe a while back I'd have been prone to a lot more bullshit. [7/28/2017 3:57:26 AM] aj: Anyways. [7/28/2017 3:57:38 AM] girl: I'm more responsible than i sound i promise lol I'm having a very understimulating week [7/28/2017 3:57:53 AM] aj: I understand. [7/28/2017 3:58:00 AM] girl: Thats sad makes me want to pet your face [7/28/2017 3:58:16 AM] aj: I'm just glad we're talking like normal human beings, mostly. [7/28/2017 3:58:28 AM] aj: and I appreciate it. [7/28/2017 3:58:32 AM] girl: Ugh sorry i sound so Fucking stupid rn because i have retard brain [7/28/2017 3:58:35 AM] girl: Me too [7/28/2017 3:58:40 AM] girl: But im SICK for it [7/28/2017 3:58:49 AM] aj: Meaning? [7/28/2017 3:58:52 AM] girl: And i think ill rly miss you when youre not around [7/28/2017 3:59:05 AM] aj: Aaah [7/28/2017 3:59:10 AM] girl: What are you asking [7/28/2017 3:59:21 AM] girl: About my retard brain or me being sick for it [7/28/2017 3:59:27 AM] aj: No, I understand now.  Sick for it. [7/28/2017 3:59:32 AM] girl: Oh, yeah [7/28/2017 4:00:26 AM] girl: This is extremelt stimulating even if its scab picking and youre fun and i don't feel like i could ever stop feeling something strange and overwhelming for you and your dog and your cat [7/28/2017 4:00:31 AM] girl: God fuck [7/28/2017 4:00:35 AM] girl: I love them [7/28/2017 4:01:53 AM] girl: I feel like a huge loser for it but honestly im a huge fucking loser in general and i manage to get by and sometimes its better to be like guess ill want to kiss someone forever instead of like seething over it in bed for 4 hours while listening to the mountain goats [7/28/2017 4:01:57 AM] girl: Probably? [7/28/2017 4:02:17 AM] girl: Sick for it [7/28/2017 4:02:25 AM] aj: I guess?  It's a pretty complicated and personal thing. [7/28/2017 4:02:43 AM] girl: I'm fine with it, is what I'm saying [7/28/2017 4:03:04 AM] aj: Makes sense. [7/28/2017 4:03:32 AM] girl: I love hte fucking mountain goats [7/28/2017 4:05:57 AM] girl: And honestly idk like what does it matter. I don't know? It feels nicer to talk to you than to um idk I honestly cycle through boring men and get them to like me and then i am like ok thats um fine i guess [7/28/2017 4:06:10 AM] girl: And i do it less when im preoccupied [7/28/2017 4:06:36 AM] girl: I'm like really embarrassing myself LOL damn girl chill out [7/28/2017 4:06:53 AM] aj: You already told me you do that stuff. [7/28/2017 4:06:59 AM] aj: So it's not like I didn't already know. [7/28/2017 4:07:12 AM] girl: Eben more embarrassing to say it twice then [7/28/2017 4:09:02 AM] aj: I don't mind speaking my mind around you, more than a lot of people.  If I do it too much, I get people who hang on to every word and it's just... [7/28/2017 4:09:36 AM] aj: When you and I talked, and you said I probably shouldn't be in relationships, I agreed because I'll just be minding my own business and yeah. [7/28/2017 4:11:45 AM] girl: Yeah [7/28/2017 4:11:48 AM] girl: Um [7/28/2017 4:12:38 AM] girl: I don't do that anymore because I find myself less in need of guidance I guess and also not to be offensive or inflammatory but i take the thinhs men say to me much less seriously now [7/28/2017 4:12:45 AM] girl: Its uhhhh healthy [7/28/2017 4:12:52 AM] aj: Whatever works for you. [7/28/2017 4:13:22 AM] aj: You taking me seriously or not is your business, more than mine. [7/28/2017 4:13:36 AM] girl: I don't mean it like that [7/28/2017 4:13:54 AM] aj: It impacts you less? [7/28/2017 4:14:00 AM] girl: Ugh sorry im not thinking too good before i hit the send button lol [7/28/2017 4:14:09 AM] girl: I [7/28/2017 4:14:12 AM] aj: It's fine. [7/28/2017 4:15:45 AM] girl: I think I have a little more faith in myself because of some women, and also I think I know a little bit more about what I want [7/28/2017 4:16:54 AM] girl: Im still not a very independent girl [7/28/2017 4:17:08 AM] girl: And idk if im very happy being on my own anyway but [7/28/2017 4:17:21 AM] girl: Uck [7/28/2017 4:17:25 AM] aj: You're a caring and empathic person. [7/28/2017 4:17:41 AM] aj: It sounds like it's more difficult to hit that right balance of independence and interaction with others. [7/28/2017 4:17:54 AM] girl: I'm The Princess [7/28/2017 4:18:19 AM] aj: I'm happy you have women in your life who can help you place faith in yourself.  That you have a better idea on what you want. [7/28/2017 4:18:51 AM] girl: And i have a personality that makes people want to dote on me, i think, so it's not so bad. I sincerely don't think id ever have to be by myself if i didnt want to be [7/28/2017 4:19:04 AM] girl: Works out for now [7/28/2017 4:19:09 AM] aj: Yeah. [7/28/2017 4:20:07 AM] girl: I dont feel like i said what i wanted to, but i hope it ar least gave you some idea of what I wanted to say... I'm really uhhh likw bad at being very articulate when im not eating amphetamines [7/28/2017 4:20:26 AM] aj: I think I have an idea of what you meant to convey. [7/28/2017 4:20:54 AM] girl: I'm really happy that you arent miserable [7/28/2017 4:21:08 AM] girl: Even if it shouldnt matter to me [7/28/2017 4:22:18 AM] girl: I hope your dog and cat and eatinf really good food makes you happy sometimes. I only know about that kind of stuff because it makes me really happy to see a dog or cat or eat good food,... [7/28/2017 4:22:45 AM] aj: I smile when I see my mom play with the dog. [7/28/2017 4:23:28 AM] aj: He was so sick.  He smelled like miserable puppy, and this sickly sweet smell that I now recognize as parvo.  And dried vanilla Ensure, because the vets said to feed him that to keep his insides coated with something, and for nutrients. [7/28/2017 4:23:47 AM] aj: and he just didn't want to be bothered, and he got so thin. [7/28/2017 4:23:58 AM] aj: but he's okay and happy and my mom is happy with him. [7/28/2017 4:24:25 AM] aj: and my mom deserves to be happy because my dad was a shit and her best friend killed herself and our old dog had to be put down. [7/28/2017 4:24:51 AM] aj: and because she's a genuinely kind person and I always feel like a shit because no matter how smart or insightful I'll get, I'll never be kind like that. [7/28/2017 4:25:05 AM] aj: and I get older and realize that it's being kind that actually matters. [7/28/2017 4:25:15 AM] aj: but it's nowhere really in me, so I have to try really hard. [7/28/2017 4:25:43 AM] girl: Makes me want to brush your hair and send your mom flowers. I'm always really impressed by how nice and good some moms can be [7/28/2017 4:26:08 AM] girl: My mom was a psycho but i love her lol not her fault [7/28/2017 4:27:28 AM] girl: I'm glad you treat your mom good. The worst kind of man imho like the most intolerable kind of boy is one who treats his nice mom like garbage [7/28/2017 4:28:04 AM] girl: The world would be better off if people like that disappeared and were never thought of again imho. [7/28/2017 4:28:28 AM] aj: I'm taking a lot of risks, educationally speaking, so that I'll have some good options in time to take care of her.  That's most of what has me nervous.  I know I can manage something that'll keep me okay, but yeah. [7/28/2017 4:28:44 AM] girl: Thats kind of you [7/28/2017 4:28:55 AM] aj: My sister is a good person, and she'll hold things down for a while. [7/28/2017 4:29:02 AM] aj: between that and our savings. [7/28/2017 4:29:02 AM] girl: I wanted to do that i think but i was um much more dramatic about it lol [7/28/2017 4:29:20 AM] aj: but my sister doesn't have the income potential I do, frankly speaking. [7/28/2017 4:30:00 AM] girl: I was just gonna fuck old bitches for money and die i think but now theres no one to die for except jake who would honestly be much sadder if his sister died even if he had many dollars for it [7/28/2017 4:30:42 AM] girl: lol txt it me too binch I cant wait to be a horrible employee that my boss hates and wants dead LOL i have no work ethic [7/28/2017 4:31:09 AM] girl: Im glad your mom has someone to hang with [7/28/2017 4:31:18 AM] girl: Lonely old people makes me die inside [7/28/2017 4:31:24 AM] aj: Sister and the dog. [7/28/2017 4:31:26 AM] aj: Yeah. [7/28/2017 4:31:35 AM] aj: and the cat. [7/28/2017 4:31:48 AM] girl: Ssucy a beautiful photogenic cat [7/28/2017 4:32:53 AM] aj: For me.  I'd like to love someone again, but I don't really feel like it's in me right now.  Mostly, I would be happy with someone who'd hug me and be happy to see me.  Maybe on days when I'm really tired, let me rest my head on them.  I feel like I don't really deserve any of it, though. [7/28/2017 4:33:12 AM] aj: and I have a lot of work to do, and that would distract me.  It'd be nice, but I have to do good right now. [7/28/2017 4:35:56 AM] girl: I'd be jealous i think, not that it matters much. More practically friend love is really just as important and i love to be on the phone with kitty and tell her about my day and its not exactly the same as hugging someone in bed but honestly you can ask your friends for hugs idk. I'm a very affectionate girl and its intimate and fulfilling and important in my heart to park the car and talk in the driveway too [7/28/2017 4:36:22 AM] aj: I hug my friends and tell myself that's good enough.  So yeah. [7/28/2017 4:36:33 AM] aj: Most times it's like 80% good enough, too. [7/28/2017 4:36:34 AM] aj: So. [7/28/2017 4:37:03 AM] girl: New places can be lonely but i like to talk to the old people at the library. Im the info desk girl sometimes so i talk to them a lot and i hugged ronna the security guard becayse i felt like it and i think its fine. [7/28/2017 4:38:12 AM] girl: I think like even if i could get over being jealous I would tell anyone else in your position the same thing [7/28/2017 4:39:22 AM] girl: i dont mean to be dramatic or annoying [7/28/2017 4:39:46 AM] aj: It's fine. [7/28/2017 4:41:27 AM] girl: but it hurt and hurts, like, it hurt. i like the idea of you being happy i think but it's like shocking to me how much it hurts, and even when you are/were someone i could love so easy, you're also the person that, did that, to me. And it's shaped a lot of the things in my life very strangely. [7/28/2017 4:42:48 AM] girl: You can do whatever you want, but id be very offended i think. It embarrasses me to be so sensitive about it when im not feeling like a crazy girl [7/28/2017 4:43:29 AM] aj: Let me put it this way. [7/28/2017 4:44:07 AM] aj: The more knowledge I acquired, the more I understood that shaping and influence process.  Abstractly.  I know a lot more than when I met you.  Lots.  Lots.  Lots more. [7/28/2017 4:44:16 AM] aj: The more I understood it, the more I started to close myself off. [7/28/2017 4:44:31 AM] aj: Not really in bad ways, but I'm just really cautious. [7/28/2017 4:45:02 AM] aj: If I hadn't hurt you like that, I might be more open to people?  I might've been in a relationship by now. [7/28/2017 4:45:12 AM] aj: and I'm not saying this in a resentful way. [7/28/2017 4:46:23 AM] aj: It's really easy to reach out.  I can see the cracks most people have in their armor, and who wears their heart on their sleeve.  I just... don't really want to strongly influence anyone.  I don't want that on me. [7/28/2017 4:46:41 AM] aj: I know I can do as I want. [7/28/2017 4:47:06 AM] aj: I just have felt like the most mature thing I can do right now is what I do. [7/28/2017 4:47:49 AM] girl: I appreciate it even though i know its not for me [7/28/2017 4:48:17 AM] girl: I think I'm really scared of feeling stupid or betrayed if something did happen [7/28/2017 4:48:20 AM] aj: I think about you.  Not every time.  But I remember you.  I remember when you say things about how it hurt. [7/28/2017 4:50:56 AM] girl: I'd hate myself because I know better than to scab pick and when my friends get hurt badly I want the person who hurt them honestly to die. I know I'm being selfish when I talk to you but I'm also being a little foolish and I'd be so damn mad and just hate myself if I was as wrong as other people think I probably am to like you and care about you as much as i do [7/28/2017 4:52:46 AM] girl: right now I think i believe in you and your good intentions and if you proved me wrong I would know it was my own damn fault [7/28/2017 4:53:19 AM] aj: Time will tell. [7/28/2017 4:53:47 AM] aj: I've felt good about talking with you normally.  I still worry that it's not really good in the long term. [7/28/2017 4:54:13 AM] aj: But something feels different in talking with you, this time. [7/28/2017 4:54:20 AM] aj: and it's not a bad different. [7/28/2017 4:54:31 AM] girl: What do you mean? [7/28/2017 4:54:52 AM] aj: Every other time I've reopened dialogue and talked with you, I felt uneasy. [7/28/2017 4:55:02 AM] aj: I don't feel uneasy with talking with you. [7/28/2017 4:55:14 AM] aj: I felt like things before were always volatile. [7/28/2017 4:55:25 AM] aj: Like something would explode. [7/28/2017 4:55:33 AM] aj: It's hard to put it into words. [7/28/2017 4:55:51 AM] girl: I'm sorry I can be. That way [7/28/2017 4:56:22 AM] girl: I do not particularly feel prideful about how really mean i can be when i want to be [7/28/2017 4:56:26 AM] aj: It could have just been me not dealing with guilt maturely, too. [7/28/2017 4:56:33 AM] aj: I'm not blaming you. [7/28/2017 4:56:38 AM] girl: I know [7/28/2017 4:56:43 AM] girl: But [7/28/2017 4:56:45 AM] girl: Idk [7/28/2017 4:57:25 AM] girl: Theres only like two people ever who have like seen how fucking scathing i can be and it kind of shocks me that i can be like that and [7/28/2017 4:57:46 AM] girl: Its not nice to scapegoat even if someone did do something fucked up [7/28/2017 4:59:38 AM] girl: Idk if I'm sorry about confronting you but I'm sorry i took weird meds and told you really mean shit and was desperate and crazy and not handling it well as i am apt to fuckening do [7/28/2017 5:01:05 AM] girl: And like idk you probably deservwd it a lot less than the guy who wanted to piss on my face and  asked me to call him if i went through with killing myself [7/28/2017 5:01:19 AM] aj: Heh. [7/28/2017 5:01:31 AM] aj: I tried to be vulnerable for you when you were that way. [7/28/2017 5:01:36 AM] aj: Not that I liked it, not one bit. [7/28/2017 5:01:55 AM] aj: But while I was reading, I realized that I wasn't really vulnerable to anyone. [7/28/2017 5:02:17 AM] aj: I can brush off a lot, if I want.  I don't really know if it matters or not in the end. [7/28/2017 5:02:37 AM] aj: But whenever you told me something or lashed out, I tried to absorb it and not just hole up and let it pass over me. [7/28/2017 5:03:18 AM] aj: I feel like you deserve that from me, so I try and give it to you. [7/28/2017 5:03:33 AM] aj: It makes me worry that doing so crosses all sorts of bad boundaries. [7/28/2017 5:03:38 AM] aj: But I already talk to you anyways. [7/28/2017 5:03:46 AM] aj: So you at least deserve that. [7/28/2017 5:04:16 AM] girl: I'm a bit of a fucking boundary crosser my own damn self [7/28/2017 5:05:17 AM] girl: I am not good at not indulging myself in what i want and feel often very entitled to what I want and I appreciate that you do it for me some [7/28/2017 5:06:11 AM] girl: there are some people who honestly do not and some of them have done things with a lot more malice [7/28/2017 5:06:43 AM] girl: Those people honestly deserve to die because i have truly been through enough but thats beside the point [7/28/2017 5:07:19 AM] girl: It made me sad that you said I'm like a scary frightened dog and that you only ever saw me angry or sad [7/28/2017 5:08:06 AM] girl: and mostly im just fine and very annoyed with people who inconvenience me in ways i find intolerable and am a crybaby but. Mostly just fine [7/28/2017 5:08:32 AM] girl: And i wanted to . Show you that im just fine and not so horrifically sick [7/28/2017 5:08:42 AM] aj: My dad was... really malicious.  When he wasn't malicious, he was uncaring.  I learned to not flinch around him.  To not be vulnerable.  I learned nobody could touch me, because I was good at it.  Nobody could read me or hurt me because even if they touched something I cared about, I wouldn't flinch and they'd move on.  The thing I read about being vulnerable took me a long time to contemplate and try. [7/28/2017 5:09:08 AM] aj: For most people it worked fine.  For you, it hurt a lot, and I always felt confused on how to tell you.  I also feel like I deserve it. [7/28/2017 5:09:32 AM] aj: but it's been important to me to be vulnerable to you, and to try and endure when things go bad. [7/28/2017 5:09:38 AM] aj: I'm not perfect at it. [7/28/2017 5:11:51 AM] girl: I think thats a good apology. I wouldn't have ever really expected it, and. I'm glad you're trying to be um. Emotionally healthy. Vulnerability is important even when it feels stupid. And i think people who learn how to feel that way are less likely to hurt anybody [7/28/2017 5:12:38 AM] girl: I really hate bad dads [7/28/2017 5:13:10 AM] girl: I love my own bad dad even though maybe i wouldnt if he wasn't my own bad dad but i fucking hate bad dads [7/28/2017 5:14:55 AM] girl: No one should be bad to anybody lile that [7/28/2017 5:15:36 AM] girl: It's sickness and it's unforgivable sin. I'm a libra so i know who deserves to die for sinning and most bad dads do [7/28/2017 5:15:41 AM] aj: I love my dad.  I'm still learning to find the good parts and lessons.  That's all I can do. [7/28/2017 5:17:05 AM] girl: I think it's important to do too, it makes me less sad at least, to love my bad dad [7/28/2017 5:17:46 AM] girl: But there are some truly unforgivable things in there i think [7/28/2017 5:19:06 AM] girl: lol oops that ones too tender time to lock it up and think about breakfast instead [7/28/2017 5:19:47 AM] aj: Heh.  I should get to that shower anyhow.  It's now 5:20. [7/28/2017 5:20:21 AM] girl: Brush your hair.. before you do... [7/28/2017 5:20:35 AM] aj: Hah.  Alright. [7/28/2017 5:20:38 AM] girl: it keeps your drain from clogging... life hack [7/28/2017 5:20:47 AM] aj: True. [7/28/2017 5:21:07 AM] aj: Alright.  Sleep well when you do.  Sorry your family is still being crazy and unreasonable. [7/28/2017 5:21:16 AM] girl: i keep my hair in a bun for two days and pull out uncomfortable amounts in the shower [7/28/2017 5:21:27 AM] girl: I will do my best [7/28/2017 5:21:41 AM] girl: Goodnight [7/28/2017 5:21:51 AM] aj: Night! [7/28/2017 5:22:13 AM] girl: Hahahaha [7/28/2017 5:22:22 AM] girl: Dont be fucking cute [7/28/2017 5:22:25 AM] girl: Bye [7/28/2017 5:44:13 PM] girl: Vhehehehe [7/28/2017 5:44:27 PM] girl: Somebody got me Dr*gs [7/28/2017 5:44:37 PM] girl: (Censored so the government cant see) [7/28/2017 5:54:50 PM] girl: I can haz cheeseburger dot com after dark [7/28/2017 8:23:53 PM] girl: I'm pretty sure i can tell you the plot of the emoji movie [7/29/2017 1:00:34 AM] girl: I'm not going to i dont think because its obvious and i already rrad it and i was like 70% right but thats aside from the point... i really really wish dearly in my heart that i had strawberry ice cream rn and that everyone and everything wasnt so damn boring [7/29/2017 1:01:57 AM] girl: i want to leave the damnt internet but i dont Do much else or have a presence anywhere else and i want to go on more walks but i keep forgetting everything i want to do, and then sitting for a few minutes, and then remembering something else i want to do, and then starting that and then forgetting it again [7/29/2017 2:12:12 AM] girl: And its HOT and i hate how hot it is and im going to be so damn sweaty by the time i Put Adderall in my body but id rather be sweaty than so bored i could DIE [7/29/2017 2:12:21 AM] girl: God [7/29/2017 2:12:31 AM] girl: I am truly a woman with no life skills [7/29/2017 7:50:02 PM] girl: Whats it take for a girl to get strawberry ice cream around here hello...( ?´_ゝ`) [7/29/2017 7:51:11 PM] girl: I hate being so bored and im tempted to nyquil my sunday away so i can just skip it and Be Medicated [7/30/2017 3:29:07 AM] girl: I think im really scared to die still which is annoying. [7/30/2017 3:29:34 AM] girl: I hope theres benzos in purgatory so that i can stop freaking out about it when i am dead [7/30/2017 3:30:16 AM] girl: I don't need anything else, just a floating bit of consciousness somewhere out there, with a little bar, ill be fine [7/30/2017 3:32:29 AM] girl: No crustaceans either [7/30/2017 5:46:26 AM | Removed 8/8/2017 6:38:24 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [7/30/2017 5:47:08 AM] girl: And you've been sweet [7/30/2017 5:47:27 AM] girl: Sort of, idk how much im allowed to say it, that youve been sweet i mean [7/30/2017 5:48:24 AM] girl: But you have been. It's comforting and im very gluttonous for the things i like, such as being coddled, and eating berries, and doing exactly what I want when i want it, sometimes, and cuddling [7/30/2017 5:50:52 AM | Removed 8/8/2017 6:38:41 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [7/31/2017 12:05:47 AM | Removed 8/8/2017 6:37:13 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [8/1/2017 11:12:45 AM] girl: I really like when people name their pets regular human names like kevin or emily [8/1/2017 11:26:38 AM] girl: Like honestly telling your friends that kevin puked and ate it and they dont know its your cat? I love it [8/3/2017 1:09:56 AM | Removed 8/8/2017 6:38:51 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [8/5/2017 4:11:07 AM] girl: cool thing about adderall: can use my dumbass fucking brain [8/5/2017 4:11:39 AM] girl: not cool thing about adderall: sleeping at 3am and waking up at 6:30 am and going out on the couch 2 do some laundry and knocking out and injuring you're neck bc you're a fucking idiot [8/5/2017 4:16:03 AM] girl: not really injuring but you get me [8/5/2017 4:16:06 AM] girl: sorry for messaging you so much [8/5/2017 4:16:16 AM] girl: i'm sure you'll probably say its okay, or not say anything at all [8/5/2017 4:17:38 AM] girl: i don't really know where the hell im going rn and it's making me feel so god damn strange but it's okay.just weird and anxious and sore and i dont want to take out my contacts cause im so tired but i need to [8/5/2017 4:18:11 AM] girl: i keep remembering [8/5/2017 4:18:12 AM] girl: one time [8/5/2017 4:18:20 AM] girl: i asked you what kind of music you listened to [8/5/2017 4:18:46 AM] girl: and you just linked me this like no offense but very bizarre and off putting ambient movie sound track stuff and i was like oh... [8/5/2017 4:20:38 AM] girl: such a hot fucking mess rn but its chill i think [8/5/2017 4:21:45 AM] girl: at the end of the day i always still feel like such a stupid little girl [8/5/2017 4:29:40 AM | Removed 8/8/2017 6:39:22 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [8/5/2017 4:31:34 AM | Removed 8/8/2017 6:39:28 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [8/5/2017 4:31:55 AM | Removed 8/8/2017 6:39:33 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [8/5/2017 4:32:48 AM | Removed 8/8/2017 6:39:40 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [8/5/2017 4:37:30 AM] girl: m also really loving this wildfire smog [8/5/2017 4:37:58 AM] girl: and inhaling 900x the recommended daily dose of albuterol im sure LOL [8/5/2017 4:38:57 AM | Removed 8/8/2017 6:39:50 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [8/5/2017 4:39:13 AM | Removed 8/8/2017 6:39:56 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [8/5/2017 4:51:44 AM | Removed 8/8/2017 6:40:08 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [8/5/2017 5:33:57 AM | Removed 8/8/2017 6:40:02 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [8/5/2017 5:47:15 AM] girl: i just. i dont know. im on my fucking period probably so im feeling like an asshole but i really hate [8/5/2017 5:47:17 AM] girl: i dotn know [8/5/2017 5:48:17 AM] girl: so much about the way i am for you/at you/around you and that you said i made you feel that way, like, scared, at all, i dontk now [8/5/2017 5:49:01 AM] girl: i'm such a fucking crybaby aj lol did i tell you what happened. that i was crying on my pillow and thought i left mascara marks but realized that it was from the last time i cried on the pillow. im such af ucking crybaby. im probably crying more often than im not crying [8/5/2017 5:49:12 AM] girl: im sorry ive been so fucking awful [8/5/2017 5:50:22 AM] girl: so much of me has a horrible horrible horrible time letting go of how you were my best friend, and how you meant so much to me, and i dont know if i even want to, i dont know. im such a fucking dick and im such a fucking idiot and it's very obnoxious to be so self deprecating when i just mean to say im sorry [8/5/2017 5:50:50 AM] girl: (avocadolove) [8/5/2017 5:50:54 AM] girl: avo cado love [8/5/2017 5:51:12 AM] girl: im very sleep deprived sorry but i mean it, most of it [8/5/2017 5:07:19 PM] girl: on a another less self deprecating note, its really cool when some strange 40 year old sam hyde looking man approaches you outside your house and asks where you live and if you want to see the tupac poster hes going to go pick up and if you want to go on a coffee date [8/5/2017 5:07:29 PM] girl: REALLY fucking cool [8/6/2017 2:56:13 AM | Removed 8/8/2017 6:40:41 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [8/8/2017 6:32:59 AM] girl: i keep biting my lip much too hard and its annoying but its also whatever. i hope your move is going ok. Mine is but i hate moving, and i have so many stuffed animals because i love stuffed animals and whimsical ceramics and other things that make other adults in my life think im a child and a fool for. i dont care. i will die in a sanrio casket [8/8/2017 6:34:23 AM] girl: by much too hard i mean im missing small chunks from my lips sometimes which hurts but i also like eatinf my own blood like a freak, which maybe says something about a lack of nutrients in my body but who knows [8/8/2017 6:41:29 AM] girl: so tired but not quite sleepy [8/8/2017 6:43:08 AM] girl: Im trying all the time to be good and not bad, and I hope it works out, i hope i hope i. Hope im good and not bad. I wish i could hug you and stick my face in your shirt and not leave for an hour because that sounds nice and because im very tired and need a break [8/9/2017 12:53:08 AM] aj: Mm.  You poor thing. [8/9/2017 12:53:29 AM] aj: I don't mean that in a condescending way, though I feel like everything I say might always be interpreted that way. [8/9/2017 12:54:11 AM] aj: The move didn't happen.  A lot of unforeseen things happened, and I find myself back in AZ slightly poorer, slightly wiser, and without the plans that I'd made for the last six months. [8/9/2017 12:54:45 AM] aj: I'm frustrated.  Lots of people are sad for me, or the situation, but I don't really feel sad.  A friend of mine didn't do what he needed to, and so things didn't work out for either of us. [8/9/2017 12:55:18 AM] aj: Mostly, I'm frustrated because I could have kept closer tabs on him, and didn't.  I didn't because I would still have to work with him, and didn't want to seem overbearing. [8/9/2017 12:56:47 AM] girl: Spooked me. I was trying to figure out if i could read, and the answer is a big fat "only kind of, retard" [8/9/2017 12:57:02 AM] aj: Heh [8/9/2017 12:57:06 AM] girl: Also, that's really annoying! [8/9/2017 12:58:01 AM] aj: That's life, sometimes.  I have a few months to figure out what I'm going to do next.  People around me want me to try and make a go of it in the spring.  I think I'll probably end up staying in AZ and making a go of it out here, though. [8/9/2017 12:58:20 AM] aj: It's too soon to give you all the reasons for this.  People think I'm really methodical? [8/9/2017 12:58:31 AM] aj: I'm not.  I'm really, really intuitive. [8/9/2017 12:58:45 AM] aj: and when I act on my intuition, it's usually reasoned. [8/9/2017 12:59:02 AM] aj: But at core, it's intuition. [8/9/2017 12:59:23 AM] girl: I never know what you mean when you imply you're going to tell me something later [8/9/2017 1:00:08 AM] aj: The school I was transferring to had some religious rules to it. [8/9/2017 1:00:18 AM] aj: Amusingly enough. [8/9/2017 1:00:39 AM] girl: Do you have to wear special mormon panties? [8/9/2017 1:00:49 AM] aj: lmao [8/9/2017 1:00:58 AM] aj: Nah. [8/9/2017 1:02:42 AM] girl: I'm thinking abt making those assholes in colorado use the dollars they get for being goodhearted foster parents (thank god they are here who knows what we would do without them) to put my brother in some chill boarding school so he doesnt have to um live in a housr with cameras and constantly be accused of lying [8/9/2017 1:03:16 AM] aj: I think that's a good idea. [8/9/2017 1:04:00 AM] girl: What do you mean when you tell me you'll tell me things later? It's a weird thing to say [8/9/2017 1:04:57 AM] aj: I mean that either the thing I'll tell you is time-sensitive, I won't know how it will turn out, or that I'll tell you about it but have reservations about telling you right this moment. [8/9/2017 1:06:02 AM] girl: Weirdo [8/9/2017 1:06:08 AM] girl: Fair enough [8/9/2017 1:06:18 AM] aj: Stones and glass houses, Kort. [8/9/2017 1:06:39 AM] aj: =P [8/9/2017 1:06:58 AM] girl: it makes me flustered when you call me that, and ive never heard that phrase before [8/9/2017 1:07:17 AM] aj: Don't throw stones when you live in a glass house? [8/9/2017 1:08:12 AM] girl: why would i do that? Why would i throw stones indoors? Glass houses seem impractical. I'm frowning. [8/9/2017 1:08:34 AM] aj: You're a princess, yet you comment on the impracticality of glass houses? [8/9/2017 1:08:40 AM] aj: You're a terrible princess. [8/9/2017 1:08:59 AM] girl: you called me a princess [8/9/2017 1:09:18 AM] aj: I called your princess-ness into question. [8/9/2017 1:09:35 AM] girl: a terrible princess is still a princess [8/9/2017 1:09:49 AM] girl: (´ ∀ ` *) [8/9/2017 1:09:57 AM] aj: Yes, but even more than yes? [8/9/2017 1:09:59 AM] aj: No. [8/9/2017 1:10:03 AM] aj: Much more no than yes. [8/9/2017 1:10:16 AM] aj: Overwhelmingly no, you could say. [8/9/2017 1:10:46 AM] girl: (´ ∀ ` *) you sound like you're overcompensating because you slipped up and really did call me a princess [8/9/2017 1:10:56 AM] girl: Not that its any of my business or would ever be [8/9/2017 1:11:03 AM] aj: I've called you a princess before. [8/9/2017 1:11:12 AM] aj: You just happen to be a treasure princess. [8/9/2017 1:11:20 AM] girl: Ill bite you [8/9/2017 1:11:50 AM] aj: Anyways, I read what you sent while I was gone. [8/9/2017 1:13:08 AM] aj: You're gonna be how you are, which Is what I mean when I tell you it's okay. [8/9/2017 1:13:38 AM] aj: and, I remember linking you to music and it tripped you up a lot. [8/9/2017 1:13:44 AM] aj: Which was sort of amusing in a way. [8/9/2017 1:14:06 AM] aj: Mostly I just wondered if it was as offputting as talking with you was when you'd shout uncontrollably. [8/9/2017 1:15:31 AM] girl: If what was as offputting? [8/9/2017 1:15:47 AM] aj: The music I linked you to. [8/9/2017 1:16:17 AM] aj: Like, a few times early on, either you or I did something that the other person was just entirely put off by.  Me with the music, for instance. [8/9/2017 1:16:52 AM] girl: Oh. [8/9/2017 1:17:56 AM] girl: It was just uncomfortable. Its almost always weird basement men but i find it really strange and slightly disconcerting when people only listen to ambientt [8/9/2017 1:18:14 AM] girl: Ari likes....shudder.........aphex twin [8/9/2017 1:18:20 AM] aj: lmao [8/9/2017 1:19:38 AM] aj: For the road trip, I mostly listened to Bowie, some The Who, and a lot of Manowar.  I don't really know why. [8/9/2017 1:19:54 AM] aj: I was in a jazz mood for a while while out there. [8/9/2017 1:20:20 AM] girl: I fucking hate aphex twin hes so scary and his songs ablut asthma give me anxiety. Hes so scary scary [8/9/2017 1:20:29 AM] girl: That's kind of cute. Old fuck [8/9/2017 1:20:51 AM] aj: I don't fit in any time or place, tbh. [8/9/2017 1:21:11 AM] aj: but yeah, Aphex Twin was never really something I cared for. [8/9/2017 1:22:04 AM] aj: I had a lot of time to myself and thought about you some. [8/9/2017 1:22:39 AM] aj: When I wasn't being turned down in rapid succession for places to live, or being leaned on by people out there I'd be working with [8/9/2017 1:22:50 AM] aj: Or realizing how my stupid friend probably never did anything. [8/9/2017 1:22:57 AM] aj: Or, you know, about a dozen other thoughts. [8/9/2017 1:23:55 AM] girl: What about me? [8/9/2017 1:24:24 AM] aj: I saw a small dog and thought you might've found it cute, one time. [8/9/2017 1:25:12 AM] aj: Another time I was staring at the ceiling of my hotel room and wondered if the anxiety I was experiencing at that moment was like yours. [8/9/2017 1:25:44 AM] girl: Hmm... i would have definitely found it cute. The dog. No dog out there isn't cute... [8/9/2017 1:26:03 AM] aj: You know, while I was biting my bottom lip and picking open one of the scars on my arm out of idle nervous habit. [8/9/2017 1:27:23 AM] girl: Mmm. What were you anxious about? [8/9/2017 1:27:42 AM] aj: That all of my plans were falling apart? [8/9/2017 1:28:02 AM] aj: and I still had a day to at least give things another shot, even though I could already see the outcome. [8/9/2017 1:28:44 AM] aj: So I had to get up and try anyways, even though I had concluded it was pointless.  So I was then forcing myself to be optimistic, and generally dreading all the work I'd have to do once things fell through. [8/9/2017 1:28:55 AM] aj: and dreading how many times I'd have to explain it to various people. [8/9/2017 1:29:28 AM] aj: and I was mostly anxious about all of that. [8/9/2017 1:30:15 AM] aj: When I'm really, really anxious, I also just sometimes want someone to let me curl up against them.  Then they can stroke my hair. [8/9/2017 1:30:25 AM] aj: But I have nobody who'll do that for me right now. [8/9/2017 1:34:21 AM] aj: Anyways. [8/9/2017 1:34:52 AM] aj: I think about you from time to time.  Mostly it's just small, passing things. [8/9/2017 1:35:22 AM] aj: In times where I want comfort, I don't think of you, because it'd probably just be bad if I looked to you for comfort. [8/9/2017 1:35:35 AM] aj: Especially when I can talk with you honestly, and somewhat frequently, without issue. [8/9/2017 1:37:39 AM] girl: Haha. That only makes me want to do it more, you know. [8/9/2017 1:38:29 AM] girl: Because that's sad. [8/9/2017 1:39:50 AM] aj: Heh [8/9/2017 1:40:57 AM] girl: I don't like to be thought of as people's weird mommy friend but i do like to feel helpful. [8/9/2017 1:41:39 AM] girl: I'm sorry things didn't work out quite right, as they tend to do [8/9/2017 1:41:45 AM] aj: Most times I end up being the one other people want cuddles from. [8/9/2017 1:42:00 AM] aj: So sometimes I want them for me. [8/9/2017 1:42:16 AM] aj: and, that's just life.  I'm not really down from it.  I just have to figure out what next. [8/9/2017 1:42:31 AM] girl: It's too hot to do any thinking [8/9/2017 1:43:40 AM] aj: True. [8/9/2017 1:44:07 AM] aj: and, I wasn't looking for cuddles from you.  Or comfort.  You're easy to talk to, and that's safest for both of us. [8/9/2017 1:44:11 AM] aj: =P [8/9/2017 1:47:42 AM] girl: I know that. [8/9/2017 1:48:09 AM] girl: I just would [8/9/2017 1:48:33 AM] aj: Yeah, and I'd probably let you bury your face in my shirt, too. [8/9/2017 1:48:45 AM] aj: and pat your head and stuff. [8/9/2017 1:49:07 AM] aj: But yeah. [8/9/2017 1:50:02 AM] girl: good [8/9/2017 1:50:13 AM] girl: i deserve head pats pretty much any time i want them, [8/9/2017 1:50:16 AM] girl: thems just the facts [8/9/2017 1:52:04 AM] aj: I mean, I could say the same for me. [8/9/2017 1:52:21 AM] girl: youre not nearly as cute as i am [8/9/2017 1:53:00 AM] aj: That has nothing to do with deserving headpats [8/9/2017 1:53:31 AM] girl: Yeah it does. Cute orphans. Get headpats. Its my slogan [8/9/2017 1:53:49 AM] aj: Nah [8/9/2017 1:54:27 AM] girl: yeah, idiot [8/9/2017 1:56:09 AM] girl: but id headpat you even if you aren't quite as cute as i am, or even an orphan [8/9/2017 1:56:17 AM] girl: arent i so nice [8/9/2017 1:56:34 AM] girl: you, nodding to yourself: wow, she is sooo nice and cool [8/9/2017 1:59:46 AM] aj: Heh. [8/9/2017 2:00:00 AM] aj: Anyways.  I'm getting some rest. [8/9/2017 2:00:02 AM] aj: Sleep well. [8/9/2017 2:00:11 AM] girl: i will do my best [8/9/2017 2:00:22 AM] girl: goodnight, dummy [8/9/2017 12:29:53 PM] girl: put me in the dirt [8/9/2017 4:40:54 PM] girl: moving is a big fat pain in my big fat ass but its Happening [8/9/2017 6:14:56 PM] girl: Did your birthday pass already????? Happy birthday??? Maybe????? Everyone's birthdays are in august and october and november... [8/9/2017 6:16:22 PM] girl: my moms and my sisters and my friend tinas are all in august, and mine and kittys and maxs and hopes and aris moms are all in october, and my brother and my dads are in november... fucking scorpios but never mind that [8/9/2017 7:09:28 PM] girl: it is really cool when someone tells me they fingered their girlfriend to weezer in the car... um... that's not really my business [8/10/2017 12:18:24 AM] girl: just glued.. a bunch of flowers... to my face.........which is cool [8/10/2017 1:10:27 AM] aj: To Weezer? [8/10/2017 1:10:39 AM] girl: to weezer :/ [8/10/2017 1:10:49 AM] girl: very terrible [8/10/2017 1:11:05 AM] aj: I never knew people would do that. [8/10/2017 1:11:25 AM] aj: Like, abstractly, I know people are horrible and have shit taste and do trashy things. [8/10/2017 1:11:41 AM] aj: But this is a special kind of trashy that I just didn't think existed. [8/10/2017 1:12:02 AM] girl: i know... he's like... way too old to be doing that kind of thing too [8/10/2017 1:12:13 AM] girl: it's not right or healthy [8/10/2017 1:12:40 AM] aj: Yeah, I've got nothing else to really say on that one. [8/10/2017 1:12:49 AM] aj: My life is worse from knowing someone did something like that. [8/10/2017 1:13:03 AM] girl: if i have to suffer so do you [8/10/2017 1:13:19 AM] aj: You like suffering, though [8/10/2017 1:13:22 AM] aj: I don't. [8/10/2017 1:13:29 AM] aj: This isn't a good tradeoff. [8/10/2017 1:13:39 AM] girl: this is not the kind of suffering i like [8/10/2017 1:14:14 AM] aj: Still. [8/10/2017 1:14:16 AM] girl: Constant - Last Tuesday at 11:48 PM Mhmm Gonna be a fun drive home too horses420 - Last Tuesday at 11:48 PM i caught up on that manwha and its really tense i need a benzo oh,,,,,dont fuck in the car Constant - Last Tuesday at 11:48 PM We had a lil fun in the parking garage. Lol Nice [8/10/2017 1:14:25 AM] girl: a lil fun in the parking garage [8/10/2017 1:14:30 AM] aj: ... [8/10/2017 1:14:35 AM] girl: honey i know [8/10/2017 1:14:45 AM] girl: i know..... i know................ [8/10/2017 1:15:36 AM] aj: I'm going to open a portal to some world that has terrible things in it.  Those things will then purge the human race of things like this, at the small cost of my eternal soul. [8/10/2017 1:15:39 AM] aj: and it'd be worth it. [8/10/2017 1:15:55 AM] girl: a lil fun in the parking garage ;) [8/10/2017 1:16:02 AM] girl: am i right? [8/10/2017 1:16:32 AM] aj: It has this cutesy phrasing to it that just makes the whole thing creepy. [8/10/2017 1:16:45 AM] girl: yeah [8/10/2017 1:16:52 AM] girl: it's very ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm [8/10/2017 1:16:57 AM] aj: You're too old for that stuff, homie. [8/10/2017 1:17:10 AM] girl: disgusting........ [8/10/2017 1:17:16 AM] girl: yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh [8/10/2017 1:17:31 AM] aj: Though, really. [8/10/2017 1:17:41 AM] aj: The girlfriend is also trash. [8/10/2017 1:17:45 AM] aj: Weezer? [8/10/2017 1:17:58 AM] aj: She wasn't lying back and thinking of England or some shit. [8/10/2017 1:18:05 AM] aj: We're not that prudish. [8/10/2017 1:18:20 AM] girl: i would never blame her for what he puts on in the car while they make sick horrible love to one another [8/10/2017 1:18:38 AM] aj: I would blame her for being with a person who would feasibly do such a thing. [8/10/2017 1:18:43 AM] girl: that's her ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm daddy LOL [8/10/2017 1:18:55 AM] aj: If you look at someone and go [8/10/2017 1:19:20 AM] aj: "is it possible that this person would finger me while Weezer is playing in the car?" and it's not a "No, this person has more class" [8/10/2017 1:19:23 AM] aj: Find someone else. [8/10/2017 1:19:33 AM] aj: There's 8+ billion people on the planet. [8/10/2017 1:19:58 AM] girl: i still have flowers glued to my face and im not pumped to take them off and wash my face, there's like a pound of glitter onme [8/10/2017 1:20:08 AM] girl: ummm that's her baby [8/10/2017 1:20:12 AM] girl: that's her um... special man.. [8/10/2017 1:20:15 AM] girl: she loves him........ [8/10/2017 1:20:27 AM] girl: actually im pretty sure he's her um Side Hoe as they say [8/10/2017 1:20:30 AM] aj: You're saying this like it matters. [8/10/2017 1:20:43 AM] aj: There are some matters that have no leeway to them. [8/10/2017 1:20:45 AM] girl: that'ss her baby.....her .........lover [8/10/2017 1:20:50 AM] aj: So? [8/10/2017 1:21:03 AM] girl: her special......baby boy.................... [8/10/2017 1:21:06 AM] girl: ...................her little man [8/10/2017 1:21:28 AM] aj: Doesn't make a difference. [8/10/2017 1:22:09 AM] girl: i'm not making it that hard to read my tone you fool boy [8/10/2017 1:22:14 AM] girl: im making jokes. you ever heard of jokes [8/10/2017 1:22:19 AM] girl: >:( [8/10/2017 1:22:32 AM] aj: This is no joking matter you sparkly piece of shit [8/10/2017 1:22:41 AM] girl: i'm CUTE and im GLITTERING [8/10/2017 1:22:48 AM] aj: Sparkly. [8/10/2017 1:22:50 AM] aj: Piece. [8/10/2017 1:22:51 AM] aj: Of. [8/10/2017 1:22:52 AM] aj: Shit. [8/10/2017 1:22:56 AM] girl: >:( [8/10/2017 1:23:03 AM] girl: say it to my face you fucking bitch boy [8/10/2017 1:23:06 AM] aj: That's why flowers are growing on you. [8/10/2017 1:23:21 AM] girl: they're not growing on me i went outside at 10 pm and i STOLE them from the BANK [8/10/2017 1:23:34 AM] girl: the garden outside the bank, to be specific [8/10/2017 1:23:42 AM] aj: Only pieces of shit steal flowers from banks. [8/10/2017 1:23:47 AM] aj: I rest my case. [8/10/2017 1:24:05 AM] girl: bitch bye [8/10/2017 1:24:20 AM] girl: it was very brave of me honestly [8/10/2017 1:24:37 AM] girl: there were many scary shadow men outside but i brought my pepper gel and a large pair of kitchen scissors (for cutting flowers) [8/10/2017 1:25:48 AM] girl: anyway [8/10/2017 1:25:54 AM] aj: Heh. [8/10/2017 1:25:57 AM] girl: now you get to read this since you said something so horrible to me [8/10/2017 1:25:59 AM] girl: Constant - Yesterday at 1:40 AM I fingered her to Weezer and made her cum during the drive lol Constant - Yesterday at 7:07 PM Hey horses420 - Yesterday at 7:08 PM hi! also oh my god um wow Constant - Yesterday at 7:08 PM xD There's a lyric during "across the sea" where he sings "I could never touch you, I think it would be wrong" horses420 - Yesterday at 7:09 PM LOL Constant - Yesterday at 7:09 PM And I belted it while rolling her clit between my fingers horses420 - Yesterday at 7:09 PM i hate across the sea but i love weezer but rivers cuomo can die oh my GOD [8/10/2017 1:26:10 AM] girl: have fun you pos [8/10/2017 1:26:54 AM] aj: Yeah, enjoy getting ignored for two months for that. [8/10/2017 1:27:02 AM] girl: you do that all the time anyway! [8/10/2017 1:27:17 AM] aj: It's not meant to be particularly punitive. [8/10/2017 1:27:37 AM] girl: use smaller words for my idiot brain wont you [8/10/2017 1:27:40 AM] aj: If you were nearby, I'd just use a squirtgun on your face, like if you were a cat. [8/10/2017 1:27:55 AM] aj: and probably say "BAD" or something [8/10/2017 1:28:06 AM] girl: i'd strangle you for moistening my lewk [8/10/2017 1:28:20 AM] aj: You couldn't even reach my neck. [8/10/2017 1:28:32 AM] girl: ohhh my goddd [8/10/2017 1:28:32 AM] aj: Shorty, with short arms and small hands. [8/10/2017 1:28:37 AM] girl: i dont have small hands! [8/10/2017 1:28:40 AM] girl: i have big hands!!! [8/10/2017 1:28:44 AM] aj: Ew. [8/10/2017 1:28:55 AM] girl: dont say ew about my hands!! they are large and i cant help it [8/10/2017 1:29:12 AM] aj: I'm not really grossed out [8/10/2017 1:29:23 AM] aj: It was just the quickest reply when you denied they were small. [8/10/2017 1:29:39 AM] girl: cruel [8/10/2017 1:29:43 AM] aj: and rather than assert they are, it seemed more fun to be grossed out by large hands. [8/10/2017 1:30:27 AM] girl: you're going to give me a complex about my hands [8/10/2017 1:30:45 AM] aj: You started this. [8/10/2017 1:31:28 AM] girl: i'll die from sadness and my grave will say aj's fault :))) [8/10/2017 1:32:00 AM] aj: Just so long as you don't haunt me. [8/10/2017 1:32:07 AM] girl: i will [8/10/2017 1:32:20 AM] aj: I'll bind you to like, a rock or something, and then glue you to a crustacean. [8/10/2017 1:32:22 AM] girl: i'll sit by your desk and cry and cry and cry all day about my hands [8/10/2017 1:32:40 AM] aj: and I will make sure it gets dumped in the deep, dark ocean. [8/10/2017 1:33:15 AM] aj: All alone.  You and some shelled bottom feeder.  Way past the depths that the sun reaches. [8/10/2017 1:33:22 AM] girl: :))) [8/10/2017 1:33:28 AM] girl: ill use your eyes as a pincushion [8/10/2017 1:33:44 AM] aj: Yeah, you'll die a thousand times for that. [8/10/2017 1:33:48 AM] girl: <3 [8/10/2017 1:34:01 AM] aj: It's cute you remember that. [8/10/2017 1:34:08 AM] aj: and it's also a good feeling for me. [8/10/2017 1:34:15 AM] girl: shut up [8/10/2017 1:34:17 AM] girl: you remember things [8/10/2017 1:34:24 AM] aj: Of course I do. [8/10/2017 1:34:40 AM] aj: I meant it more because eye-stuff doesn't squick me out like it used to. [8/10/2017 1:34:49 AM] aj: I forced myself to desensitize to it. [8/10/2017 1:35:09 AM] aj: So, you're remembering something that doesn't get to me. [8/10/2017 1:35:11 AM] girl: me too, with most crabs [8/10/2017 1:35:16 AM] aj: Which tells me I've grown. [8/10/2017 1:35:21 AM] girl: and isopods, even, but i dont really like to look at them anyway [8/10/2017 1:35:24 AM] aj: What about King Crabs? [8/10/2017 1:35:24 AM] girl: they look. bad. [8/10/2017 1:35:44 AM] girl: unpleasant, but i can handle it [8/10/2017 1:35:55 AM] aj: You've grown. [8/10/2017 1:35:58 AM] aj: You get headpats. [8/10/2017 1:36:02 AM] aj:  /headpats [8/10/2017 1:36:07 AM] girl: i took a picture of me posing with oen of those horrible fucking spider crabs and i get sick when i look at it [8/10/2017 1:36:28 AM] girl: you're making me flustered [8/10/2017 1:36:56 AM] aj: Overcoming fears shows growth, particularly character growth. [8/10/2017 1:37:03 AM] aj: Good job.  I mean it. [8/10/2017 1:37:07 AM] aj:  /more headpats [8/10/2017 1:37:29 AM] girl: it still feels condescending somehow [8/10/2017 1:37:34 AM] girl: but in a way that i dont mind so much [8/10/2017 1:37:41 AM] aj: I'm being honest, here. [8/10/2017 1:37:48 AM] girl: i know you are, dummy. [8/10/2017 1:37:53 AM] aj: and I'd give you hugs, but that's sort of like a once-a-year thing, maybe. [8/10/2017 1:37:59 AM] aj: So headpats is the most intimacy you get. [8/10/2017 1:38:04 AM] girl: im rolling my eyes [8/10/2017 1:38:14 AM] girl: you can't even actually touch me, you dumb idiot loser [8/10/2017 1:38:24 AM] aj: Doesn't stop you from being flustered. [8/10/2017 1:38:47 AM] girl: i'm easily flustered [8/10/2017 1:39:42 AM] aj: Point stands. [8/10/2017 1:40:08 AM] girl: shut up idiot [8/10/2017 1:41:14 AM] girl: im a sucker in general, doesn't mean anything [8/10/2017 1:41:28 AM] aj: I'll believe you. [8/10/2017 1:41:43 AM] girl: well, don't, i'm only half telling the truth [8/10/2017 1:41:53 AM] aj: I know. [8/10/2017 1:41:58 AM] aj: That's why I'm deciding to believe you. [8/10/2017 1:42:04 AM] aj: Rather than, you know, being convinced. [8/10/2017 1:42:16 AM] girl: 9___9 [8/10/2017 1:42:59 AM] girl: my eyes are rolling so far back into my head that i can see my brain [8/10/2017 1:43:58 AM] aj: Anyways, good on you.  Some people don't grow out of fears. [8/10/2017 1:44:22 AM] girl: its annoying to be afraid [8/10/2017 1:45:43 AM] girl: i feel restless and weird [8/10/2017 1:46:01 AM] girl: and also like maybe one of these flowers is making my face itch [8/10/2017 1:47:22 AM] aj: Heh [8/10/2017 1:47:43 AM] girl: beauty is uncomfortable itchiness as they say [8/10/2017 1:48:08 AM] girl: ari is looking at horrible deep sea fish and its like playing russian roulette every time he scrolls [8/10/2017 1:48:14 AM] girl: like whats gonna pop up next [8/10/2017 1:48:23 AM] girl: might be a big weird fish [8/10/2017 1:48:25 AM] girl: might be actually a demon [8/10/2017 1:52:29 AM] girl: kittys cat bunny is the cutest thing ive ever seen in my life [8/10/2017 1:52:32 AM] girl: i'd literally die for her [8/10/2017 1:53:03 AM] girl: also you never told me if it was your birthday or not yet you old man [8/10/2017 1:53:14 AM] aj: Not yet. [8/10/2017 1:53:57 AM] girl: when is it? [8/10/2017 1:55:28 AM] aj: =P [8/10/2017 1:55:34 AM] girl: eyeroll [8/10/2017 1:56:19 AM] aj: My dad killed himself right near my birthday, so I really don't like talking about it. [8/10/2017 1:56:37 AM] aj: I can't really think about one without the other. [8/10/2017 1:57:04 AM] girl: that's horrible horrible [8/10/2017 1:57:46 AM] girl: sorry, i didnt mean to make you think about something awful [8/10/2017 1:58:22 AM] aj: It's okay.  I just really don't think about it too much, generally. [8/10/2017 2:00:05 AM] girl: pet pet [8/10/2017 2:00:19 AM] girl: ill try and remember that [8/10/2017 2:00:59 AM] girl: i took the flowers off my face and put them on my leg instead [8/10/2017 2:02:21 AM] girl: its scary that deep sea things look really wrong when they get outside of the ocean [8/10/2017 2:17:44 AM] girl: im thinking about you a little lately, but not too bigly. i feel really strange and restless and anxious in a way that is hard to explain, about a lot of things and im not sure quite what. just in the background i guess. maybe like im always waiting for the carpet to be pulled out from under me because a lot of times life is very bold and unafraid to disappoint me [8/10/2017 2:18:47 AM] girl: i miss you a lot and annoyingly, and im relieved a lot when youre good. I hate that im so anxious and so chatty [8/10/2017 4:00:53 AM] girl: you said something kind of cute and strange earlier [8/10/2017 4:01:08 AM] girl: that i like to suffer, or something [8/10/2017 4:01:24 AM] girl: but i think its less that i like it and more that it comforts me [8/10/2017 4:02:45 AM] girl: i hope i didnt upset you much, but i think you probably just went to bed, but i worry worry anyway that youd be sad [8/10/2017 6:00:13 AM] girl: hah [8/10/2017 6:00:26 AM] girl: im such a self destructive loser [8/10/2017 6:09:24 AM] girl: I feel like I'm just gonna fuck this up inevitably [8/10/2017 6:09:41 AM] girl: ari i mean [8/10/2017 6:11:40 AM] girl: I hate talking to fucking losers online and trying to make them fall in lpve with me or want to fuck me or both, i hate that i see aris friends that way, i hate that i cant detach my worth from being something fuckable and i feel so self destructive, like im okay right now but like im gonna fuck up so bad, and i love him, i love him so much, ive never had anyone be this good to me, ive never ever been so loved i dont think [8/10/2017 6:14:15 AM] girl: so why am i like this? Why am i so intent on towing the line between whats appropriate with men and whats not? i dont even fucking like it. Im not talking about you either because i feel the way i do about you sickly and at least when i want you to love me or want to fuck me its partially because i have like a real emotional attachment to you. I dont fucking love it and its messed up of me and im sorry i make it so fucking obvious but at least with you or like hope its you or hope and like youre both [8/10/2017 6:14:26 AM] girl: People I actually give a shit about [8/10/2017 6:15:58 AM] girl: i hate it though. I hate when losers want to fuck me and i hTe when for a second or two i thought they were my friends or that they cared about me when i know better [8/10/2017 6:16:09 AM | Removed 7:19:45 PM] girl: This message has been removed. [8/10/2017 6:16:15 AM] girl: i just have a big headache hahaI sdont think im gonna sleep [8/10/2017 6:20:44 AM] girl: Also sorry if you ever see the long strinf of messages i leave you and go "wow that's obnoxious" but i dont do it out of ignorance i just cant stop hahaha [8/10/2017 6:20:54 AM] girl: Sorry [8/10/2017 1:39:04 PM] girl: I'm such a fuuuucking loser but its chill. Helped ari pack and am suffering in bed of sleeplessness like a fool woman who has done wrong [8/10/2017 6:59:31 PM | Removed 7:19:38 PM] girl: This message has been removed. [8/10/2017 6:59:52 PM | Removed 7:19:32 PM] girl: This message has been removed. [8/10/2017 6:59:54 PM | Removed 7:19:28 PM] girl: This message has been removed. [8/11/2017 11:13:29 PM] aj: Interesting name change. [8/11/2017 11:17:29 PM] girl: Thought it was charming of me [8/11/2017 11:19:53 PM] girl: you have weirdly good timinf a lot of the time [8/11/2017 11:24:27 PM] aj: I've always had that. [8/11/2017 11:25:50 PM] girl: Youve messaged me twice in a row now like right after i was done dicking around for like two hours [8/11/2017 11:27:11 PM] aj: Heh. [8/11/2017 11:28:07 PM] girl: are you. well [8/11/2017 11:28:30 PM] aj: I'm doing okay.  I just felt like checking in on you. [8/11/2017 11:28:47 PM] girl: im here and i'm Showered [8/11/2017 11:30:26 PM] aj:  /headpats [8/11/2017 11:30:50 PM] girl: why headpats [8/11/2017 11:30:59 PM] girl: bites [8/11/2017 11:35:14 PM] aj: You have someone good for you.  You're smart enough to recognize it.  Everyone has self-worth tied up in strange things.  I'm not really an exception. [8/11/2017 11:36:36 PM] girl: yeah [8/11/2017 11:38:19 PM] aj: So I guess about the only thing worth saying to you is that I've found all the bullshit, day-to-day stuff involved in keeping a relationship going is all really difficult for me.  I like doing big things, but not all the little things along the way, which is actually what matters when it comes down to it.  In your case, I think you're probably a more balanced person than I am.  You care about little things in a way I can't really get in my headspace. [8/11/2017 11:38:56 PM] aj: There's gonna be self-worth issues and all that shit.  Validation from stupid men is sort of the junk food of self worth. [8/11/2017 11:40:51 PM] girl: Sure is. It's pretty uh [8/11/2017 11:40:55 PM] girl: Terrible [8/11/2017 11:41:50 PM] aj: I think, for you, you've had so many relationships go entirely to shit that this worry you have is magnified.  It's not a bad worry.  It'll hopefully keep you open and looking at what you need to do to keep things good. [8/11/2017 11:44:02 PM] girl: im just [8/11/2017 11:47:16 PM] girl: it's so hard to shake the idea that if i self destruct first, then no one can catch me by surprise, and that being surprised hurts more than hurting yourself on purpose [8/11/2017 11:50:40 PM] girl: i also just [8/11/2017 11:51:46 PM] girl: don't really love myself for me, ever, even if i say i do or try to sometimes, i dont think [8/11/2017 11:52:46 PM] girl: i think most of the time id rather die than be a burden even though i try not to think that way [8/11/2017 11:53:50 PM] girl: why is doing small stuff difficult for you? [8/11/2017 11:56:57 PM] girl: also sorry i sent you all that earlier, lol, it's, embarrassing, but, you're easier to talk to about it because you're not in my social circles [8/11/2017 11:57:13 PM] girl: i also feel like you probably worry less than kitty would [8/12/2017 12:09:28 AM] girl: im really out of it lmao but dwayne the rock johnson looks like afucking egg [8/12/2017 12:09:30 AM] girl: on a body [8/12/2017 12:35:53 AM] girl: also its my moms bday time to do My Drinking [8/12/2017 12:38:26 AM] girl: japanese chins are the cutest fucking dogs,,,,, it makes me want to die [8/12/2017 12:44:04 AM] girl: sorry for rambling so much lol im gonna snooze though i think [8/12/2017 12:44:13 AM] girl: <3 bye [8/12/2017 1:15:27 AM] aj: Sorry for the lapse.  Skype was being an asshole, so I just finished up the rest of what I needed to do tonight. [8/12/2017 1:16:57 AM] aj: Basically, you're engaging with a logic that everyone does.  "Nobody can hurt me if I keep them away."  or  "If I care less than they do, then I can't be hurt by them."  Self-sabotage gives you a sense of control over the bad things, at a huge expense. [8/12/2017 1:17:28 AM] aj: I did that.  I'm super, super good at that mindset. [8/12/2017 1:17:44 AM] aj: I read something a while back, though, and it took a while to really let it sink in. [8/12/2017 1:18:46 AM] aj: Being vulnerable is powerful.  You're seeking to be invulnerable.  You don't want to really be hurt by others.  Not investing in them, and self-destructing means that you hurt yourself, but you know how that feels.  It's familiar.  Whereas, who knows how you'll handle other people hurting you, and you've been hurt a lot. [8/12/2017 1:20:12 AM] aj: I hate being vulnerable, but it has allowed me to have friendships I wouldn't have otherwise.  It has allowed me to fix some of the shit wrong with me.  I'm not a perfect human being by any measure, but trying to be vulnerable lets me try things other people who self-sabotage more won't try, and has led me to seeking new opportunities. [8/12/2017 1:21:47 AM] aj: and, it's especially difficult as a male.  The last thing other guys expect when they ask me for advice is stuff like "Be vulnerable." because they equate vulnerability with being overly emotional or shit.  It's a difficult line to walk. [8/12/2017 1:21:50 AM] aj: Anyways. [8/12/2017 1:23:17 AM] aj: Loving yourself is all about the little things, which is why I also struggle with it.  Best advice I have in that arena is to pick one thing you hate about yourself and fix it.  Sure, you might have fifty-billion things, but pick one, fix it.  This means you have to pick something you can quantify. [8/12/2017 1:23:48 AM] aj: and it doesn't matter what the fuck it is because literally fuck everyone else, this is about you fixing something you don't like, not about anything anyone else has to say. [8/12/2017 1:27:18 AM] aj: and, doing all the small things is terribly hard for me because I'm terribly inconsistent. [8/12/2017 1:27:41 AM] aj: Being consistent takes so much of my effort. [8/12/2017 1:27:56 AM] aj: Anyways, have some more /headpats [8/12/2017 1:28:57 AM] aj: I'm not worried about you because I think you know the answers you need, and have the ability to move in a direction to make them happen.  Everything else is luck or fate or willpower or choice or something. [8/12/2017 1:35:30 AM] girl: Oops im still on the floor [8/12/2017 1:36:15 AM] girl: We were supposed to goooo to the apartment were moving into like probably before 1:30 but we forgot and now i am on the floor [8/12/2017 1:37:01 AM] girl: I thinkbeing [8/12/2017 1:37:42 AM] girl: Vulnerable is important. Too. But it's hard when everyone is so fucking prickly [8/12/2017 1:39:54 AM] aj: Yeah, it is. [8/12/2017 1:40:14 AM] girl: And its hard when im so weirdly into retraumatizing myself like some kind of idiot wwoudld [8/12/2017 1:40:28 AM] girl: I hope i dont fall asleep on the floor [8/12/2017 1:43:54 AM] girl: i hope i dont. fall asleep here. i will dislocate something im sure [8/12/2017 1:44:07 AM] girl: but [8/12/2017 1:44:10 AM] aj: Get off the floor and sleep somewhere better, stupid. [8/12/2017 1:44:43 AM] girl: it's good to be tender and open and i try ot be but also its hard even when im doing my best to be good. sometimes i try to be tender and open and i accidentally just make myself be everyones mommy or whatever and its like wlel oops [8/12/2017 1:45:01 AM] girl: somewhere better is like [8/12/2017 1:45:03 AM] girl: two blocks over [8/12/2017 1:45:14 AM] girl: and my fat little legs are struggling [8/12/2017 1:45:40 AM] girl: i mean, my mattress is not in my home, and is in my New home [8/12/2017 1:45:45 AM] aj: Make it happen anyways.  Dummy. [8/12/2017 1:45:50 AM] girl: you're the dummy [8/12/2017 1:45:59 AM] aj: We can both be dummies. [8/12/2017 1:46:03 AM] girl: no [8/12/2017 1:46:07 AM] girl: i'm smart and fast [8/12/2017 1:46:08 AM] girl: and strong [8/12/2017 1:46:09 AM] girl: and tall [8/12/2017 1:47:06 AM] aj: and a liar. [8/12/2017 1:47:17 AM] girl: i would never ever lie once or even ever [8/12/2017 1:48:23 AM] girl: boys are especially prickly, like you said. which is sad [8/12/2017 1:48:42 AM] girl: being emotional is honestly healthy for your insides and your outsides and crying over chow chow videos will bring you inner peace [8/12/2017 1:48:56 AM] aj: Heh. [8/12/2017 1:49:06 AM] girl: it doesn't matter much. ifrogtet what im saying... i think just. just. [8/12/2017 1:49:42 AM] girl: i wanna be good but i feel so destined to implode and i try so ahrd not to hurt myself or anybody else in the process but it creeps up on me weirdly [8/12/2017 1:50:30 AM] aj: You're cute, and you're trying.  That counts for stuff. [8/12/2017 1:50:56 AM] girl: like a fat puppy with weak little legs who is too stupid to roll over but is doing her best [8/12/2017 1:51:05 AM] aj: Pretty much. [8/12/2017 1:51:14 AM] girl: ihope that is what you imagine [8/12/2017 1:51:19 AM] girl: when you think of me [8/12/2017 1:52:53 AM] girl: you dfont always say the right thing, but when you do it's often very very much the right thing, somehow, or maybe someone already told me the right thing too, but i just wanted to hear it in the way you say it. feels like a verbal headpat when you say the right thing. very [8/12/2017 1:52:56 AM] girl: satisfying [8/12/2017 1:54:21 AM] girl: like. looking at a neatly organized drawer. and nodding to yourself [8/12/2017 1:54:28 AM] girl: and saying..hmm. that's right. [8/12/2017 1:55:34 AM] aj: Thanks. [8/12/2017 1:55:52 AM] girl: is that a real thanks [8/12/2017 1:56:00 AM] girl: i would understand if it wasnt [8/12/2017 1:56:58 AM] aj: There's gonna be stuff other people are better equipped to say or tell you.  I'm glad that I'm not just entirely useless. [8/12/2017 1:57:15 AM] girl: hah [8/12/2017 1:57:37 AM] girl: you're not usually useless [8/12/2017 1:58:03 AM] girl: i feel sad that so much is all weird and messed up between us [8/12/2017 2:01:10 AM] girl: even beyond my many and varying problems with the Male Species i still like you a lot. i know you say i wouldn't ever realistically get along with you, or that i'd hate you, but i dont really think i hate you or that i would if things were different. i hate some thigns about how you talk or some thigns that you did but i also am a freak who treasures you a bit if im being honest with myself [8/12/2017 2:01:34 AM] girl: im trying to say it without sounding stupid or caught up in the moment [8/12/2017 2:01:47 AM] aj: I get you. [8/12/2017 2:01:55 AM] girl: you do? [8/12/2017 2:02:53 AM] aj: Sure.  I still like you.  I sometimes have moments where I realize I'm talking to you and I think about the history of things.  I'm not really proud of any of it.  Or happy with it.  Both of us were vastly different, vastly unhappy human beings. [8/12/2017 2:03:26 AM] aj: But, emotional bonds still happen in fucked up situations.  There's science behind it, even.  Anyways. [8/12/2017 2:04:04 AM] aj: I have wondered how we'd interact without the fucked up past, and the truth is, we probably wouldn't?  Or it wouldn't have the same emotional quality to it. [8/12/2017 2:04:27 AM] aj: So the very thing that's fucked up is also the thing that is responsible for any deep connection or understanding. [8/12/2017 2:08:32 AM] girl: i don't think you've ever been useless to me. i don't know. and yeah, that's true, idk, it's messed up and sad, but it's what happened. i guess i don't think we would really interact much either, but, like, then again, i don't think either of us would be anything at all like we are if not for. everything i guess. in general. not just the you and me parts. [8/12/2017 2:08:49 AM] aj: Pretty much. [8/12/2017 2:08:58 AM] aj: That's the same conclusion I reached, at least. [8/12/2017 2:09:21 AM] girl: ive resigned to accepting for the time being that you're special to me and probably always will be no matter how fucked up it is of me to feel that way [8/12/2017 2:10:36 AM] girl: stupid of me i guess but [8/12/2017 2:12:49 AM] aj: It's accurate.  At this point, too, you're not really in a position to rehab yourself so that it'd go away.  Sorry about that. [8/12/2017 2:14:15 AM] girl: Ccwhoops [8/12/2017 2:14:24 AM] girl: That just my skype lgginh [8/12/2017 2:14:47 AM] aj: I'm a shitty person, but a lot of people treasure me.  I guess it's because only a few people know the depths.  I also guess it's because the good parts tend to balance in the eyes of most.  I've really stopped trying to figure it out. [8/12/2017 2:14:56 AM] aj: I know how conceited that sounds. [8/12/2017 2:16:16 AM] aj: I don't really know what I want out of life.  I have a few things that I need to work towards.  I'm mostly convinced that chasing material wealth Is a trap.  Likewise, I think having knowledge just to flaunt it makes someone an insufferable prick. [8/12/2017 2:16:53 AM] aj: So, mostly what I want to do is avoid becoming a person I hate. [8/12/2017 2:18:02 AM] girl: I think I'm fine even if I'm a trauma freak [8/12/2017 2:18:46 AM] aj: I want to be liked so that people won't think bad of me when I want to spend most of my time alone. [8/12/2017 2:18:49 AM] aj: Which sounds backwards. [8/12/2017 2:18:56 AM] aj: Being liked means not being alone. [8/12/2017 2:19:54 AM] girl: I'm out ofit as fuvk but im reading and I keep wanting tosay that even if you didnt do it right and im messed up from it like i think [8/12/2017 2:20:06 AM] girl: Something much more awful would have happened if you werent there [8/12/2017 2:20:25 AM] girl: im messed up and I really i think like in my sick little body like [8/12/2017 2:20:40 AM] girl: love you for it and for other thinsg im being messy [8/12/2017 2:20:52 AM] girl: messy messy girl [8/12/2017 2:22:03 AM] girl: but you don't have to feel horrible about it if it really hurts sometimes. Because at the end of the day i would have probably hqd a much mor e hoerible time [8/12/2017 2:22:17 AM] girl: I gotta snooze [8/12/2017 2:22:24 AM] aj: Heh. [8/12/2017 2:22:38 AM] aj: That's the fourth time I've cried this year. [8/12/2017 2:23:05 AM] girl: Dummy [8/12/2017 2:23:06 AM] aj: I... try not to make a habit of it. [8/12/2017 2:23:12 AM] girl: Take care od yoruself [8/12/2017 2:23:19 AM] aj: Stupid.  I'm going shortly.  Yeah.  I try. [8/12/2017 2:24:06 AM] girl: Crying? [8/12/2017 2:24:10 AM] aj: You're special to me.  I've always felt bad I couldn't make things perfect for you. [8/12/2017 2:24:36 AM] girl: CN yeah, me too [8/12/2017 2:24:47 AM] girl: I am outaide so i will be gone [8/12/2017 2:24:55 AM] girl: But rhank you [8/12/2017 2:25:01 AM] aj: Bye.  Sleep well. [8/12/2017 2:49:23 AM] girl: Hope u feel special af rn bc i just Fucking hopped on2 my neighbors wifi to tell you goodnight bc i felt rude for saying "CRYING? WELL im outside now bye" [8/12/2017 2:49:59 AM] girl: my ass hurts and i am suffering and doing crimes like STEALINF a good persons wifi [8/12/2017 2:50:01 AM] girl: but [8/12/2017 2:50:32 AM] girl: Goodnight [8/12/2017 2:50:38 AM] girl: For actually this time [8/12/2017 2:50:43 AM] girl: <3 [8/13/2017 9:28:26 PM] girl: lol.... [8/13/2017 9:28:27 PM] girl: um [8/13/2017 9:28:31 PM] girl: next time you're around [8/13/2017 9:28:41 PM] girl: you will be thrilled to hear about the new bullshit my family is pulling looooooollllll [8/13/2017 9:28:47 PM] girl: they are REALLY  cool [8/13/2017 9:29:00 PM] girl: and i am honestly feeling very wrathful all of a sudden [8/13/2017 9:29:11 PM] girl: like, very much so. i don't usually feel this way so i know they deserve it [8/14/2017 2:02:21 AM] girl: also, thank you, for being sweet the other night [8/14/2017 2:02:35 AM] aj: Sorry your family is a bunch of jerks. [8/14/2017 2:02:45 AM] aj: and, it seems you're the one with good timing tonight [8/14/2017 2:02:58 AM] girl: ok you weren't supposed yo pop up ouy of nowhere nlw im flustered [8/14/2017 2:03:09 AM] girl: I said something GAY [8/14/2017 2:03:32 AM] girl: But yeah loooool it was really cool [8/14/2017 2:03:52 AM] aj: Fill me in. [8/14/2017 2:06:17 AM] girl: so they were like trying to get me to like, take custody of my brother or something like a week ago out of no where, and were saying stuff abt how they "dont have room in the house" (because they decided to go for a fourth child, after my brother moved in) even though theyd been planning to fix up their basement for him anyqay (which was not that huge kf a project) [8/14/2017 2:06:28 AM] girl: A few weeks j guess [8/14/2017 2:06:41 AM] girl: And melissa my cousin left this whack ass voice mail [8/14/2017 2:07:29 AM] girl: About how much She loves me and to Take My Time answering her calls when j told her id set up a time to talk with her (and then she never got back to me on a time sooooo) [8/14/2017 2:07:45 AM] girl: And then like jake called me today [8/14/2017 2:07:48 AM] girl: And was like [8/14/2017 2:08:51 AM] girl: "So i guess melissa and casey asked if i was happy here and wherw i would live if i could, and my friends grandma up in Washington said shed be happy to take me, so now im gonna go there and live in Washington" [8/14/2017 2:09:10 AM] girl: And like mind you they dont knoq thwse  people, and didnt contact me at all [8/14/2017 2:10:13 AM] girl: And i called them up like sooo ok guys what's happening lol whats up? You told me id be unfit to take care of my brother and that hed be better off staying in one placw for all four years and now ur just sending him to his friends house? [8/14/2017 2:11:03 AM] girl: And they were like ohhh yeah we had all these good convos about whats best for jake with him and it was like ok. Rigjt. He didn't even know you guys wanted him out of the house til two days ago [8/14/2017 2:11:05 AM] girl: So [8/14/2017 2:11:34 AM] girl: And like not that his friends family isnt. Nice and not thaf i. Dont love them [8/14/2017 2:12:12 AM] girl: But um kind of interesting that u had one convo with the grandma who i know hardly speaks a lick of english and decided he could live there [8/14/2017 2:12:16 AM] girl: AND THEN [8/14/2017 2:12:20 AM] girl: And fucking then [8/14/2017 2:12:23 AM] girl: They were like [8/14/2017 2:13:00 AM] girl: I asked of they wanted him in oregon for summers assuming theyd say yeah bc they dont seem to want my brother anyway lol [8/14/2017 2:13:05 AM] girl: nd they were like no [8/14/2017 2:13:28 AM] girl: And the creepy dad was like Yeah I dont let my kids go out of state without an adult dont feel comfortable [8/14/2017 2:14:19 AM] girl: Like you cunt im his sister, you guys were strangers to him up until last fucking year, you dont want him, and ur sending him to live witg people who are complete strangers to you [8/14/2017 2:14:40 AM] girl: Like DIE Already, literally kill yourselves [8/14/2017 2:14:52 AM] girl: AND HES NOT YOUR KID YOU CREEP [8/14/2017 2:16:27 AM] girl: so that was really cool and i chewed him out on the phone a little bit not enough to get me in trouble but i know he knwos im mad (´ ∀ ` *). Ugly Fucking Bitch. Ugly fucking come down stairs half nude n try to council me while im crying on the couch creep ass bitch. Ugly Ask a 19 year old who dont know u while ur alone in ur car if she sexually active ass bitcg [8/14/2017 2:16:44 AM] girl: Keep a camera in ur living room to keep an eye on Ur Kids Ass Bitch [8/14/2017 2:16:58 AM] girl: anyway the entirety of my extended family is dead to me [8/14/2017 2:17:01 AM] girl: How are you [8/14/2017 2:17:32 AM] aj: I'm doing okay.  Reading all of that makes me wonder why more killings don't happen.  Not to jinx your blood relations or suggest anything to you. [8/14/2017 2:17:49 AM] aj: But that's exactly the sort of creepy that I wonder if it goes on a whole lot everywhere, you know? [8/14/2017 2:18:00 AM] girl: Yeah [8/14/2017 2:18:16 AM] aj: I also sort of just makes me wonder how many people have souls. [8/14/2017 2:18:30 AM] aj: and I generally don't like fielding that question. [8/14/2017 2:18:33 AM] aj: So yeah. [8/14/2017 2:19:39 AM] girl: Theyre disgusting lol... they also seem to be mad at me for making sure my dads 70+ year old sister doesn't embezzle from my sister and brother n mes dumb fucking Dead Daddy Dollars and got melissas mom on my ass abt it lel [8/14/2017 2:19:49 AM] girl: Beatles quote lady [8/14/2017 2:19:53 AM] girl: Its a lot [8/14/2017 2:20:10 AM] girl: Truly what i would call white devils [8/14/2017 2:20:17 AM] aj: Heh [8/14/2017 2:20:42 AM] aj: All the devils in my family died.  But boy did they fuck everything up until the bitter end. [8/14/2017 2:20:52 AM] girl: Poor baby [8/14/2017 2:21:05 AM] aj: Nah, you have it worse. [8/14/2017 2:21:22 AM] girl: You alwys seemed really stressed out about it [8/14/2017 2:21:33 AM] girl: Death Nd money makes people act totally insane [8/14/2017 2:21:39 AM] aj: Yeah. [8/14/2017 2:21:47 AM] aj: My mom, sister, and I get along really well. [8/14/2017 2:21:54 AM] aj: and since we're all that's left, we're good. [8/14/2017 2:22:01 AM] girl: I'm really happy for you [8/14/2017 2:22:31 AM] aj: But death and money are shit.  There's no end to the fuckery that stupid and dishonest people won't get up to in the name of death money. [8/14/2017 2:23:10 AM] girl: Me and my sister met last year and really started talking and I'm rly happy because its cool to have a sister and shes also 38 and still smoking hot so like that really bodes well for half of my genes [8/14/2017 2:23:33 AM] girl: Yeah holy fucking shit [8/14/2017 2:23:54 AM] girl: People are so disgusting about money and death and money [8/14/2017 2:24:03 AM] girl: as im finding the fuck out [8/14/2017 2:24:17 AM] aj: The thing that amazes me is... [8/14/2017 2:24:29 AM] aj: This will sound particularly weird. [8/14/2017 2:24:40 AM] aj: But, it amazes me how easy it is to die, and how fragile people are? [8/14/2017 2:24:53 AM] aj: Like, we talk about how resilient people are and survive all sorts of crazy things? [8/14/2017 2:25:14 AM] aj: Killing someone is fucking easy, from the standpoint of physics alone. [8/14/2017 2:25:22 AM] aj: Not to be an edgelord about it, either. [8/14/2017 2:25:43 AM] girl: Yeah. We're really complete nothings and people die from the flu and heat stroke all the time and biting someone elses flesh off is surprisingly not so hard [8/14/2017 2:25:59 AM] girl: but also: modern medicine [8/14/2017 2:26:05 AM] aj: Sure. [8/14/2017 2:26:43 AM] aj: For a time, our family had to take care of my grandmother. [8/14/2017 2:26:53 AM] aj: Who had Alzheimer's, and couldn't walk. [8/14/2017 2:27:04 AM] aj: Full nine yards.  Showers, diaper changing, feeding.  Moving around. [8/14/2017 2:27:06 AM] aj: All of it. [8/14/2017 2:27:22 AM] aj: I have been in war, and this was more emotionally and physically exhausting. [8/14/2017 2:27:51 AM] aj: I think part of it was that I really disliked her, which took an emotional toll, and that I already very quickly try to not feel if I sense emotion. [8/14/2017 2:27:59 AM] aj: Anyways. [8/14/2017 2:28:35 AM] aj: I say all of this because so many people are just cowards about it all.  They believe they're invincible while wishing for death payouts for others. [8/14/2017 2:28:44 AM] aj: They neither appreciate their own lives nor the lives of others. [8/14/2017 2:29:57 AM] girl: I'm a coward who wishes death upon others sometimes, but im a libra with two dead parents, so i know who deserves it >:) [8/14/2017 2:30:15 AM] aj: Leo/Virgo cusp. [8/14/2017 2:30:34 AM] aj: Well, depends on the chart. [8/14/2017 2:30:44 AM] aj: But it's close enough that I have both sides. [8/14/2017 2:30:51 AM] girl: Fuckinf leos [8/14/2017 2:30:54 AM] aj: and, you know, Gemini Ascendant. [8/14/2017 2:31:00 AM] girl: thats cute [8/14/2017 2:31:03 AM] aj: Pisces Moon, though. <3 [8/14/2017 2:31:40 AM] girl: Most boys i meet are extremely uninterested or pretend to be uninterested in astrology bc they're snotty and its fake [8/14/2017 2:31:53 AM] girl: but whooo cares bitch im a fucking libra [8/14/2017 2:32:01 AM] aj: I know my stuff because it makes tarot easier. [8/14/2017 2:32:17 AM] aj: Though, I never do stuff for myself, and since I was about to move, I have no idea where the fuck my cards are. [8/14/2017 2:32:21 AM] girl: thats so cute... [8/14/2017 2:32:39 AM] aj: and, in my case, at least my rising sign makes a lot of sense. [8/14/2017 2:33:20 AM] girl: i have doreen virtues guardian angel cards and i dont use them much but when i need randomized card picking to tell me something nice ill play withthem [8/14/2017 2:33:36 AM] aj: Cute [8/14/2017 2:33:42 AM] girl: theyre so pretty [8/14/2017 2:34:46 AM] girl: i met a lady on the bus And at tge library who is obsessed with them and angels and told me all kinds of thinhs abt her relationship with angels and the earth and her name was sherry but her fucking um angel name she said was SHERIEL god i loved her [8/14/2017 2:34:52 AM] girl: I LOVE crazy old people [8/14/2017 2:35:26 AM] aj: Maaaaaaaaaaaan, on one hand that's cute and harmless [8/14/2017 2:35:41 AM] aj: On the other hand, the angels in like, the Bible?  THEY ARE SCARY AS SHIT [8/14/2017 2:35:49 AM] aj: Whenever they appear to deliver a message [8/14/2017 2:35:54 AM] aj: the first thing they have to say? [8/14/2017 2:35:55 AM] aj: is like [8/14/2017 2:35:59 AM] aj: "DO NOT BE AFRAID" [8/14/2017 2:36:17 AM] aj: Because whomever the message is meant for is pissing themselves and on hands and knees like right fucking now [8/14/2017 2:36:39 AM] girl: LOL i know its so nuts. She was too sweet and told me she asked god for an angel but he sent her a cougar chaser instead and she said thats not the angel i want god bit thank you [8/14/2017 2:36:42 AM] aj: and hoping this crazy fiery being isn't about to unleash ten thousand levels of burny ancient godly wrath hurt on them [8/14/2017 2:36:48 AM] girl: loool Youre so cute [8/14/2017 2:37:08 AM] aj: I like a world where angels are scary as fuck. [8/14/2017 2:37:19 AM] aj: It appeals to my personal aesthetics. [8/14/2017 2:37:40 AM] girl: I always draw christian god as a cross between a big grub and a deformed big headed human baby [8/14/2017 2:38:07 AM] girl: ari too. He loves to read the bible for Fun [8/14/2017 2:38:17 AM] aj: White wings and tunics and harps and shitty daytime shows "I am an angel" stuff is fine for people who actually emotionally resonate with everything Hallmark has ever done. [8/14/2017 2:38:42 AM] aj: But I want like, Scary ass angels that convey how utterly terrifying God is if God uses them as his messenger bitches. [8/14/2017 2:39:16 AM] girl: pff [8/14/2017 2:39:18 AM] aj: it makes God more than something we talk to when we fuck up and feel bad about it and if you totes bail us out of this one, we'll repent [8/14/2017 2:39:43 AM] girl: i like to think of christian god as a pathetic worm [8/14/2017 2:40:31 AM] girl: also, do you just like tarot for fun or are you a con artist? [8/14/2017 2:40:43 AM] aj: I just don't really understand the difference between Old Testament God and New Testament God. [8/14/2017 2:40:49 AM] aj: Fun. [8/14/2017 2:40:59 AM] girl: Jew / not jew idk [8/14/2017 2:41:07 AM] aj: I don't really need cards to con people. [8/14/2017 2:41:12 AM] girl: Thats kind of cute [8/14/2017 2:41:20 AM] girl: Well, its a good way to con people [8/14/2017 2:41:22 AM] aj: I like the symbolism on them [8/14/2017 2:41:27 AM] aj: For instance! [8/14/2017 2:41:31 AM] aj: The Devil card. [8/14/2017 2:41:37 AM] aj: I have a Rider-Waite deck. [8/14/2017 2:41:56 AM] girl: im a virgo rising/capricorn moon which is honestly retarded i want to be a triple threat libra but whatever [8/14/2017 2:42:09 AM] aj: https://gfx.tarot.com/images/site/decks/rider/full_size/15.jpg [8/14/2017 2:42:24 AM] aj: So like, that thing.  Everyone is like "Ooooh, Devil, scary" [8/14/2017 2:42:30 AM] aj: I was looking at it one day and realized [8/14/2017 2:42:36 AM] aj: The chains around the man and woman? [8/14/2017 2:42:55 AM] aj: THE CHAINS AROUND THEIR NECKS ARE LOOSE ENOUGH FOR THEM TO SLIP THAT SHIT [8/14/2017 2:42:59 AM] aj: See? [8/14/2017 2:43:17 AM] aj: So like, the only reason they're stuck is because they're fucking stupid [8/14/2017 2:43:56 AM] girl: The Devil is the cheese card crust punks get tattooed on them same w death [8/14/2017 2:44:05 AM] aj: Right? [8/14/2017 2:44:08 AM] girl: But ari rly likes it. Cheese ass bitch [8/14/2017 2:44:24 AM] aj: Like, asshole, you wanna be edgy and metal, tattoo the four and ten of swords on you. [8/14/2017 2:44:31 AM] aj: Or Hanged Man, or The Tower. [8/14/2017 2:44:40 AM] aj: Death and The Devil are lame. [8/14/2017 2:45:02 AM] girl: I designed an empress tattoo w me as the empress and my cats in the foreground ... I wanted strength originally buyuUuuUt idk... [8/14/2017 2:45:16 AM] aj: Strength is weird. [8/14/2017 2:45:30 AM] girl: strength / star / moon / sun / wmoress are mt favorite cards [8/14/2017 2:45:37 AM] aj: One day I'll understand the symbolism better, but I don't get it right now. [8/14/2017 2:46:18 AM] girl: The tower is scary. LOL.. i want lisa frank n sanrio cards [8/14/2017 2:47:04 AM] aj: Magician, Emperor, Lovers, The World, High Priestess [8/14/2017 2:47:19 AM] aj: Are the ones I particularly like. [8/14/2017 2:47:29 AM] girl: cute... the fool too [8/14/2017 2:48:02 AM] girl: I feel like this is the most casually we've spoken in years [8/14/2017 2:48:27 AM] aj: I mean, this latest string of conversations has given me that feeling. [8/14/2017 2:48:31 AM] aj: But yeah. [8/14/2017 2:48:31 AM] girl: i feel happy about it. I hope it doesn't make me Bad to be [8/14/2017 2:48:32 AM] aj: Agreed. [8/14/2017 2:48:43 AM] aj: Nah.  I'm happy with it. [8/14/2017 2:48:54 AM] aj: I don't think it's bad.  It's probably better than a lot of other options. [8/14/2017 2:49:00 AM] girl: yeah [8/14/2017 2:49:43 AM] girl: I'm sorry I'm kind of weird and bad. And complicated [8/14/2017 2:50:57 AM] girl: I didnt think it still would or that it would matter [8/14/2017 2:52:04 AM] girl: but I'm really happy that you seem so relaxed, or like, i feel less worried, or something. I didnt realize too much i was worried [8/14/2017 2:52:28 AM] girl: but now that im less i know that i was [8/14/2017 2:53:47 AM] aj: Mm, I've had to let go of a lot of things.  I've had to be responsible for a lot of stuff, too.  A lot of the hate and resentment I had on things in my own life just sort of burned out. [8/14/2017 2:54:30 AM] aj: I realized that it doesn't take much for me to be happy with my life, and that made things pretty easy. [8/14/2017 2:55:20 AM] aj: Deep down, I think that I'm still a baby on a lot of things. [8/14/2017 2:55:34 AM] aj: I still bruise really easily. [8/14/2017 2:56:03 AM] aj: I think that's just my fate, though, so it's easier to just deal with that aspect of things. [8/14/2017 2:56:58 AM] girl: I think i can relate to that sort of, maybe not in the same way. [8/14/2017 2:58:07 AM] girl: Losing both of my parents made me realize just how little excitement i want or need in my life, and how much i would love to be a simple farm girl with two goats a dog my cats and a little basket of raspberries [8/14/2017 2:58:12 AM] girl: Chickens too [8/14/2017 2:59:03 AM] girl: It really... idk [8/14/2017 3:00:04 AM] girl: I'll probably always worry about you a little and theres all kinds of reasons for that, many of them being bc im a fucking crybaby freak with ablot of anxiety [8/14/2017 3:00:44 AM] girl: but even though i said to myself many times that i shouldnt i dot think im unhappy that i talked to you as much as i did [8/14/2017 3:01:32 AM] girl: it really eases me when you're around. i know its weird and crwzygirl of me [8/14/2017 3:02:22 AM] aj: Loss puts a lot in perspective.  We lost different things, but the refocusing and new perspectives are similar.  I get you. [8/14/2017 3:03:31 AM] aj: I'm relaxed around you, which is nice.  It's also why I'll talk with you more often.  For a long time I thought it was impossible to be relaxed around you, so this is a nice change. [8/14/2017 3:03:57 AM] aj: I'll always worry about you, because you had a shit hand dealt to you, and because whatever else you are, you're real with me. [8/14/2017 3:04:18 AM] aj: Even if it wasn't right, you gave something of yourself to me. [8/14/2017 3:04:46 AM] aj: and so I feel responsible for some degree with how things go for you.  Or at least concerned.  It's complicated. [8/14/2017 3:05:04 AM] girl: pats your face [8/14/2017 3:05:42 AM] girl: I'm a hot fucking mess [8/14/2017 3:06:52 AM] girl: I appreciate it [8/14/2017 3:08:32 AM] girl: i kindof knew my dad was gonna die so i put aside everything i felt about how he had been unkind to me for a lot of mt life and tried to make things good and right. Its not all good and right and i still have a dead dad but im glad I fixed what i could and im glad we talked about things and im glad he didnt leave thinking i hated him [8/14/2017 3:08:41 AM] girl: Its not the same with you [8/14/2017 3:08:58 AM] girl: Because youre not an angry 68 year old man [8/14/2017 3:09:14 AM] girl: and i dont want to kiss my dad like that and never have [8/14/2017 3:09:21 AM] girl: but [8/14/2017 3:10:06 AM] girl: i think because of who i am as A crybaby and as a Sad Traumatized girl im much happier this way than telling you to fuck off and never talking to you again [8/14/2017 3:10:31 AM] aj: I can understand that. [8/14/2017 3:11:01 AM] girl: Hashtag over sharing [8/14/2017 3:11:18 AM] aj: In my case... mmm... [8/14/2017 3:11:38 AM] aj: I've realized my emotional spectrum, and what impacts me and what doesn't [8/14/2017 3:11:49 AM] aj: is usually vastly different from most people I've met or encounter. [8/14/2017 3:12:07 AM] aj: Even being vulnerable, which still takes work. [8/14/2017 3:12:49 AM] aj: Being aware of this difference makes me feel lonely sometimes. [8/14/2017 3:13:11 AM] aj: So does being aware of how easily persuasion methods and other bullshit mental stuff work in shaping opinions of people. [8/14/2017 3:13:41 AM] aj: I did too much reading and looking in to things that isolated me, in a lot of ways.  I still have friends.  I'm still able to be happy. [8/14/2017 3:14:20 AM] aj: You were one of the last people I connected with, for better or worse, before my life got vastly more fucked up [8/14/2017 3:14:35 AM] aj: and before I learned to put into words and theories all of my discomforts and loneliness. [8/14/2017 3:14:57 AM] aj: You got a glimpse of that portion of me before I had it mapped out. [8/14/2017 3:16:38 AM] aj: and because of that, you have access to a part of me I can't even give anymore. [8/14/2017 3:18:40 AM] girl: I really missed you a lot. You were my favorite person on the planet for a really long time. Lol my fridge just started making noise and it made me scared [8/14/2017 3:18:46 AM] girl: um [8/14/2017 3:19:24 AM] girl: Idk. I know trauma bonding is real andthat im kind of fucked up and that all the healthy people in my life would look at me with judgement and worry [8/14/2017 3:20:02 AM] girl: but i feel really so much better sometimes knowing youre alright and that i can still talk to you [8/14/2017 3:20:10 AM] aj: The hardest truth I had to face was that all of my close bonds are trauma bonds.  All of my past relationships.  Family.  Navy. [8/14/2017 3:20:23 AM] aj: So, all of my conceptions of closeness are polluted with that. [8/14/2017 3:21:44 AM] aj: In the case of you.  I'm happy when things seem okay or looking good for you. [8/14/2017 3:21:47 AM] aj: You deserve that. [8/14/2017 3:23:06 AM] aj: I guess that's all there is to say, really. [8/14/2017 3:23:20 AM] aj: I gave you something I can't give anymore. [8/14/2017 3:23:31 AM] aj: I literally don't think that closeness is in me anymore. [8/14/2017 3:23:40 AM] aj: I can't feel it. [8/14/2017 3:25:59 AM] girl: I hope you end up okay and with people you love regardless, the only time i think I've Really understood at all the feeling of not being close to anyone was when i was like a suicidal hermit, so ive never really understood how functioning people can feel that way and it makes me worry [8/14/2017 3:26:37 AM] girl: It's unfair that trauma when you're little makes you gravitate towards it later on [8/14/2017 3:26:55 AM] girl: i wish that nothing sad or horrible ever happened to you [8/14/2017 3:27:12 AM] aj: I would have managed to somehow be even more of an asshole if that were the case. [8/14/2017 3:27:21 AM] aj: Or at least a lot less smart or wise. [8/14/2017 3:27:26 AM] girl: Hah [8/14/2017 3:27:39 AM] aj: So I can't say I resent my life. [8/14/2017 3:27:47 AM] girl: Who cares about being smart or wise. I want to be a stupid girl on a farm forever [8/14/2017 3:28:03 AM] aj:  /headpats [8/14/2017 3:28:18 AM] girl: that makes me flustered [8/14/2017 3:29:07 AM] aj: You know how dogs are wonderful? [8/14/2017 3:29:16 AM] aj: They sit at your feet, and look at how you move? [8/14/2017 3:29:31 AM] aj: Every last motion you make, they're paying attention, trying to discern your desires. [8/14/2017 3:29:42 AM] aj: But they have fuzz for brains and they're goofy and cute [8/14/2017 3:29:46 AM] aj: but they try. [8/14/2017 3:29:52 AM] aj: But in the end, they're dogs. [8/14/2017 3:30:17 AM] girl: I want to be a dog [8/14/2017 3:30:33 AM] aj: I try to connect with people, but when I open up, some just get so impressed or fall under my spell or something. [8/14/2017 3:30:55 AM] aj: and then it feels like that, and it's hard to connect and feel it is meaningful. [8/14/2017 3:31:07 AM] aj: and this is with people that I feel like I could have a good closeness to. [8/14/2017 3:31:44 AM] aj: I don't want to be pleased.  I just want someone next to me.  A human. [8/14/2017 3:34:42 AM] girl: Maybe you have to be a dog too... but its hard to fawn over someone you dont feel fawnful for. I feel exceptionally loved and satisfied when people pay attention to my needs and remember things i like and say honest and nice things to me. So it's not very hard for me to feel like i love other people and am close to them, unless they are rude men, or woefully autistic in a way that clashes with my "ive been abused so my body deliberately makes it hardto tell if im uncomfortable unless youre looking for it" [8/14/2017 3:35:08 AM] girl: I don't know... [8/14/2017 3:35:58 AM] aj: Maybe.  I'll figure something out. [8/14/2017 3:36:06 AM] girl: it seems like telling people not to fawn you would just make them fawn you more, huh [8/14/2017 3:36:15 AM] aj: Usually. [8/14/2017 3:36:23 AM] aj: and saying it like that is rude. [8/14/2017 3:37:43 AM] girl: i dont relate to whatyou said about dogs. When i look at a dog in the eyes and lay on the floor and get licked in the face i become a dog too. Love for a dog transcends this garbage body [8/14/2017 3:38:01 AM] aj: I love actual dogs. [8/14/2017 3:38:06 AM] aj: Because they're actual dogs. [8/14/2017 3:38:26 AM] aj: But people who act that way, at best I already like them, and then it works okay. [8/14/2017 3:39:33 AM] girl: I'm trying to figure out whats different from how you are charming and how i am charming [8/14/2017 3:39:53 AM] girl: Because i feel like i know what you mean when you speak of dog people [8/14/2017 3:40:15 AM] girl: but I don't know why i can love dog people some and you can't love dog people some [8/14/2017 3:41:22 AM] girl: and i come with no shortage of charm, and it seems to me like you talk to me like ive learned to talk to other people, that is, you talk a lot about how you relate to things i say, which really seems to give folks a friendship boner [8/14/2017 3:41:27 AM] girl: for whatever reason [8/14/2017 3:41:38 AM] girl: But i dont know... [8/14/2017 3:42:28 AM] aj: For me, it's like. [8/14/2017 3:42:35 AM] aj: Maybe I'll pick a gesture [8/14/2017 3:42:38 AM] aj: and do that gesture. [8/14/2017 3:42:48 AM] aj: A week or two, and that person is also doing that gesture. [8/14/2017 3:42:56 AM] aj: Same with verbal tics. [8/14/2017 3:43:06 AM] aj: All little stuff.  We all take from each other. [8/14/2017 3:43:08 AM] aj: That's normal. [8/14/2017 3:43:29 AM] aj: But, it's when people feel I can understand them.  They ask advice, or my thoughts. [8/14/2017 3:43:42 AM] aj: and nowadays, I'm careful to just answer the questions they want answered. [8/14/2017 3:43:50 AM] aj: Rather than give opinions carte blanche [8/14/2017 3:43:58 AM] aj: Because it's less likely to generate the dog-response. [8/14/2017 3:45:05 AM] girl: Mmm... you seem to know what to say a lot of the times, in a way that is both not horrifically offensive or overly kiss ass-y [8/14/2017 3:45:16 AM] aj: Mostly that. [8/14/2017 3:45:54 AM] girl: Useful without being too blunt i think and kind without just giving me asspats. Lots of people give asspats and the internet will tell you most things you need to hear [8/14/2017 3:46:01 AM] girl: you're special at it [8/14/2017 3:46:23 AM] aj: For me, it's like... you know cracks or fault lines?  If I talk with someone for a short while, I can get a feeling of where the faults and cracks they have are. [8/14/2017 3:46:47 AM] aj: I had one person who was a friend of a friend just think not much of me [8/14/2017 3:46:59 AM] aj: Until I just made a few very specific observations about him. [8/14/2017 3:47:03 AM] aj: Deep-level stuff. [8/14/2017 3:47:16 AM] aj: and he realized that not only was I observing the entire time, but that he couldn't read me. [8/14/2017 3:47:31 AM] aj: Or that whatever faults I had, he couldn't generate leverage from. [8/14/2017 3:47:42 AM] aj: He felt powerless. [8/14/2017 3:50:06 AM] girl: Maybe dog like people want to understand you too? I don't know. It's flattering and uncomfortable all at once to be said something to like that... and also exciting a little i think. I think i can be a dog girl but it's kind of rare and I'm mostly a dog girl when i want to be adored and not when i want to connect or talk with people or be taken seriously [8/14/2017 3:50:18 AM] girl: Hard to get in the heads of dog people... [8/14/2017 3:50:59 AM] girl: Does he like you or hate you? [8/14/2017 3:51:05 AM] aj: Both. [8/14/2017 3:51:12 AM] girl: Hahahahahahahhaha [8/14/2017 3:51:19 AM] aj: Lots of how I am, how I read people, how laid back I am.  He likes that. [8/14/2017 3:51:28 AM] aj: He hates that he's so vulnerable around me. [8/14/2017 3:51:52 AM] aj: and that if I really felt like it, I could probably just say the right things that would crack him.  Mental stuff. [8/14/2017 3:51:59 AM] aj: Which is partially true. [8/14/2017 3:52:09 AM] aj: and, he also hates that he can't do that back to me. [8/14/2017 3:52:34 AM] girl: sounds like sexually tense gay erotica [8/14/2017 3:52:42 AM] aj: lmao [8/14/2017 3:53:00 AM] aj: Nah, I don't get that vibe off him. [8/14/2017 3:53:03 AM] girl: I would know cause i read (past tense) lots of that stuff [8/14/2017 3:53:43 AM] aj: But yeah, like, the biggest thing that makes it hard for me to be adored is that it's a lot of work. [8/14/2017 3:53:56 AM] aj: I feel responsible to be the person that people who adore me think I am. [8/14/2017 3:54:02 AM] aj: and that's a lot of bullshit to deal with. [8/14/2017 3:56:57 AM] girl: You can say that stuff, you know. In private mostly. You dony even have to say it to anybodys face, but i think you really do have yo be vulnerable there to be closer. And you have to do it voluntarily, because people who think youre cool don't know you're just a different kind of lame. I don't do it often with real dog people i dony like, like weeaboos who think im their token jap or loser girls who want me to be their daddy (though i will be their friend just not their daddy), but most people i like are worth knocking myself down a couple of pegs for and showing my horrible soft insides to [8/14/2017 3:57:12 AM] girl: I know your insides are less horrible and soft so your mileage may vary [8/14/2017 3:57:42 AM] girl: I don't think it has to be a feelings festival either if you don't want it to be [8/14/2017 3:57:47 AM] girl: but youre hard to read [8/14/2017 3:58:04 AM] girl: and sometimes you just have to tell people exactly what you want a few times [8/14/2017 3:58:28 AM] girl: I was very dog girl for you [8/14/2017 3:58:45 AM] aj: See,  but I was also dog for you. [8/14/2017 3:58:51 AM] aj: I'm fine if it's mutual dog. [8/14/2017 3:59:26 AM] girl: be dog for other people you like sometimes maybe [8/14/2017 3:59:32 AM] girl: hah [8/14/2017 3:59:44 AM] aj: Haven't felt it.  So, yeah. [8/14/2017 4:00:06 AM] girl: i wish i had known that you know,  or that i was the kind of person to take advantage of it... should have been much brattier [8/14/2017 4:00:35 AM] aj: See, even when I'm honest with my feelings, people think there's more. [8/14/2017 4:00:41 AM] aj: Or that I'm complicated. [8/14/2017 4:00:55 AM] aj: I am super simple. [8/14/2017 4:01:00 AM] girl: i dont know what made me want to have friends again. I think i just faked it til i maked it. Idk what would work for you. [8/14/2017 4:01:04 AM] girl: Not true [8/14/2017 4:01:05 AM] aj: Which is probably why I am hard to figure out. [8/14/2017 4:02:02 AM] girl: You're a lot less needy and outwardly selfish than most people which is honestly very complicated and doesnt make a lot of sense to me. Most people are much brattier including me [8/14/2017 4:03:10 AM] girl: Maybe its not that you're complicated but that you make other people feel complicated?... like you're just weird and puzzling and strange [8/14/2017 4:03:29 AM] girl: you're definitely not as impulsive as most people [8/14/2017 4:04:35 AM] girl: Weird weird weird... [8/14/2017 4:04:53 AM] aj: From my perspective, it feels like many people needlessly complicate their lives. [8/14/2017 4:04:58 AM] aj: I might point out something small. [8/14/2017 4:05:05 AM] aj: and they look at me like I'm an alien. [8/14/2017 4:05:16 AM] aj: But then they think about it and figure there's something to what I said. [8/14/2017 4:07:25 AM] aj: I remember one time I spent about a half hour talking about hummingbirds with a girl I had no interest in.  But this was like, the first time she had had a talk with someone that wasn't stupid or just a conversation to get something from her. [8/14/2017 4:08:00 AM] aj: She was just the first person I ran into that I sorta knew, and there were some cool hummingbirds where I was reading before I left that spot. [8/14/2017 4:08:27 AM] aj: and for like, a solid two weeks, she puppy-dog followed me. [8/14/2017 4:11:14 AM] girl: It's nice to talk like that I think... I don't know. Sometimes you come across as very selfless or very unconcerned with things that don't fucking matter. Caring about things that dont fucking matter is a very annoying and stressful quality a lot of people seem to have that you seldom exhibit [8/14/2017 4:11:23 AM] girl: its refreshing i guess [8/14/2017 4:11:35 AM] girl: im not sucking your dick when i say youre special [8/14/2017 4:11:44 AM] aj: I know. [8/14/2017 4:11:56 AM] aj: The sexual tension between us is different when you're being a tease. [8/14/2017 4:12:09 AM] girl: dont point it out [8/14/2017 4:12:15 AM] girl: that's embarrassing [8/14/2017 4:12:45 AM] aj: Sometimes I like it.  It's complicated.  Anyways. [8/14/2017 4:12:57 AM] girl: idiot [8/14/2017 4:13:16 AM] aj: See? [8/14/2017 4:13:20 AM] aj: It's that tension, right there. [8/14/2017 4:13:40 AM] girl: Yes aj i know about it [8/14/2017 4:14:03 AM] aj: I have the smuggest smirk I can manage. [8/14/2017 4:14:12 AM] girl: Shut the fuck up oh my god [8/14/2017 4:14:37 AM] aj: I appreciate your observations.  I guess that's something I forget. [8/14/2017 4:14:55 AM] aj: A lot of shit doesn't matter to me.  Caring about it takes a lot of energy, and I'm lazy. [8/14/2017 4:15:04 AM] aj: and besides, why bother?  It leads nowhere. [8/14/2017 4:15:14 AM] girl: It's still refreshing [8/14/2017 4:15:53 AM] girl: I think a lot of people need someone who feels like things are ultimately going to be okay with everything and that nothing matters and that its okay to do what the fuck ever [8/14/2017 4:18:08 AM] girl: I might be projecting a bit here or even just bragging but honestly people love me when i am very open and accepting of self serving and slothful behavior instead of lying and saying no one is self serving or slothful and i think people like that a lot because lots of people lie and pretend to be all sorts of fake things they arent and that it would be pointless to be [8/14/2017 4:18:23 AM] girl: Not that it has much to do with the conversation you had with that girl [8/14/2017 4:19:31 AM] girl: But you're relaxing and comforting sometimes in how much you seem pretty much fine with most things that you cant change [8/14/2017 4:20:04 AM] girl: i know im making only half sense but I hope its enough to get across what im saying [8/14/2017 4:20:11 AM] aj: I mean, I have lots of opinions on things, but like, I'm just one person.  I know how temporary things are.  I get you. [8/14/2017 4:20:15 AM] girl: Its 420 dude [8/14/2017 4:20:19 AM] aj: In your case, you're very accepting. [8/14/2017 4:20:27 AM] girl: hits the bong [8/14/2017 4:20:31 AM] aj: Enabling, probably. [8/14/2017 4:20:39 AM] girl: Absolutely [8/14/2017 4:20:42 AM] aj: But I think what people like is that you mean well. [8/14/2017 4:20:58 AM] aj: Even if you're being a self-serving and spoiled princess about it. [8/14/2017 4:21:03 AM] aj: You mean well. [8/14/2017 4:21:08 AM] girl: im a total peace of shit and i encourage pos behavior in others [8/14/2017 4:21:14 AM] girl: Yes i am a princess [8/14/2017 4:21:21 AM] girl: Thank you for noticing [8/14/2017 4:21:50 AM] aj: You act like I don't just playfully deny it because telling you I honestly think you're a princess would fluster you. [8/14/2017 4:22:06 AM] aj: I do both of us favors. [8/14/2017 4:22:25 AM] girl: It would not [8/14/2017 4:22:39 AM] aj: Took you long enough. [8/14/2017 4:22:47 AM] girl: Shut up? [8/14/2017 4:22:53 AM] girl: Die? [8/14/2017 4:22:58 AM] aj: Okay, princess~ [8/14/2017 4:23:05 AM] girl: OKAY [8/14/2017 4:23:12 AM] girl: fair ENOUGH [8/14/2017 4:24:10 AM] aj: I'm glad you're seeing how difficult my position is. [8/14/2017 4:24:15 AM] girl: Fucking flirt [8/14/2017 4:24:37 AM] aj: Just being honest. [8/14/2017 4:24:42 AM] girl: right [8/14/2017 4:26:01 AM] girl: You even did it just now, I mean, say something about how selfish and bratty i am but somehow make me not feel so bad about it at all because it doesnt feel like you care or think its horrible of me [8/14/2017 4:26:12 AM] girl: i think most people cant pull that off [8/14/2017 4:26:34 AM] girl: It's impressive i think [8/14/2017 4:26:54 AM] aj: People overcomplicate simple shit, and then fail to recognize the actual complicated parts. [8/14/2017 4:27:29 AM] aj: You love being spoiled.  Even if it's bad for you.  So you're accepting of others, even if they might need something stern said to them.  You love how you want to be loved. [8/14/2017 4:27:50 AM] aj: The important thing to focus on is that you do honestly care. [8/14/2017 4:28:02 AM] aj: Nobody's an angel.  You demand to be called princess, not angel. [8/14/2017 4:28:10 AM] aj: and besides, angels are scary fucks. [8/14/2017 4:28:42 AM] girl: Too many eyes [8/14/2017 4:28:49 AM] aj: and really, with how stupid and judgemental-over-the-wrong-things people are [8/14/2017 4:28:57 AM] aj: being overly accepting isn't so bad [8/14/2017 4:29:22 AM] girl: I like talking to you like this when i hate myself less than i did a few years ago. [8/14/2017 4:29:27 AM] girl: A lot [8/14/2017 4:29:43 AM] girl: I'm still having a pretty good time but im so much less stressed out [8/14/2017 4:30:08 AM] girl: I mean im always at a baseline of "at least a little stressed out" [8/14/2017 4:30:33 AM] girl: but its so different on my end, and the same too, but different [8/14/2017 4:31:28 AM] girl: I think being overly accepting is what makes me less afraid of people and more willing to help others and gets me into lots of situations where i sit down and talk to people and hear things i wouldnt hear if they were scared id judge them [8/14/2017 4:32:20 AM] girl: I judge them anyway but not where they can hear me lol. Bc i think gossip is healthy and helps process things [8/14/2017 4:33:55 AM] girl: And I think fighting people who are on your side is stupid [8/14/2017 4:35:34 AM] aj: Hmm.  Yeah, I can see that working, especially for you.  I think people find you to be good to vent to. [8/14/2017 4:35:47 AM] girl: I'm still probably dog girl for you but I'm not so scared of everything or that youll hate me for some stupid reason or anything . Makes me feel Happier [8/14/2017 4:35:56 AM] aj: Even I feel comfortable sharing with you.  History and tension notwithstanding. [8/14/2017 4:36:13 AM] girl: Hahahahha [8/14/2017 4:36:44 AM] girl: It's special to be shared with [8/14/2017 4:37:02 AM] girl: Usually i try to treat it like treasures someone handed me [8/14/2017 4:38:41 AM] girl: “They’re like baseball bats,” said David Gombas, vice president of the Center for Development of Research Policy and New Technologies at the National Food Processors Association (they could really use a shorter name). “But once [the carrots] go through the cooking process, they come out looking like the small young ones that you'd put into your soup.” [8/14/2017 4:38:49 AM] girl: i clickbait [8/14/2017 4:38:59 AM] girl: Enormous carrots [8/14/2017 4:39:08 AM] girl: Like baseball bats he says [8/14/2017 4:39:22 AM] aj: I didn't know you stayed flustered for so long. [8/14/2017 4:41:18 AM] girl: shut up [8/14/2017 4:41:26 AM] girl: what is yhat even supposed to mean [8/14/2017 4:41:57 AM] girl: i hate you [8/14/2017 4:42:10 AM] aj: Mhm. [8/14/2017 4:42:18 AM] girl: dont fucking mhm me [8/14/2017 4:42:33 AM] aj: I was agreeing with you. [8/14/2017 4:42:39 AM] aj: You like when I do that, remember? [8/14/2017 4:42:54 AM] girl: You're suhc a FUCKER [8/14/2017 4:43:10 AM] girl: youre the worst. youre the absolute worst [8/14/2017 4:43:19 AM] aj: Mhm. [8/14/2017 4:43:32 AM] girl: How could you even fucking say im a tease when youre like THIS [8/14/2017 4:43:50 AM] girl: like [8/14/2017 4:44:01 AM] girl: Excuse you???? [8/14/2017 4:44:24 AM] aj: Did you want an answer? [8/14/2017 4:44:32 AM] girl: Yes!!! [8/14/2017 4:44:41 AM] aj: Because you are a tease. [8/14/2017 4:44:51 AM] aj: That's how I can say it. [8/14/2017 4:45:43 AM] girl: Okay well thats retarded of you and no im not [8/14/2017 4:46:09 AM] girl: I like, hardly flirt, like honestly just a smallest bit, I'm honestly not nearly as bad as you [8/14/2017 4:46:44 AM] girl: honestly im good and do good, honestly, i deserve awards for it [8/14/2017 4:46:58 AM] aj: You sure do, princess. [8/14/2017 4:47:45 AM] girl: Oh my god [8/14/2017 4:47:51 AM] girl: Aj!!! [8/14/2017 4:48:02 AM] aj: Hm? [8/14/2017 4:48:09 AM] aj: What's wrong? [8/14/2017 4:48:49 AM] girl: That's not funny!! You know i think you're you know fucking WHAT and its not nice to tease me even if i am cute [8/14/2017 4:49:28 AM] girl: I do my best every day and i do NOT tease you [8/14/2017 4:49:42 AM] girl: I'm Professional [8/14/2017 4:49:55 AM] aj: Uh huh. [8/14/2017 4:50:19 AM] girl: Oh my god [8/14/2017 4:50:22 AM] aj: More seriously, I have to walk a lot of lines you don't. [8/14/2017 4:50:54 AM] aj: and besides, you're having fun. [8/14/2017 4:51:20 AM] girl: Of course i am, but that doesn't mean you're not mean and horrible [8/14/2017 4:51:42 AM] aj: Me being mean and horrible was never in question.  Of course I'm mean and horrible. [8/14/2017 4:51:50 AM] aj: I thought we went over that. [8/14/2017 4:51:50 AM] girl: like honestly if you don't think I'm struggling you truly are not paying any attention [8/14/2017 4:52:21 AM] girl: i thought. I was doing. A good job [8/14/2017 4:52:40 AM] aj: You were, which is why I gave you some things you like. [8/14/2017 4:52:44 AM] aj: Like calling you Princess. [8/14/2017 4:53:04 AM] aj: You're the one calling me a tease and stuff, and I feel so attacked. [8/14/2017 4:53:30 AM] aj: You beg to be spoiled, and when I actually do it, I get this. [8/14/2017 4:53:35 AM] girl: You are a fycking tease and you called me it first [8/14/2017 4:53:42 AM] girl: I didnt beg for anything! [8/14/2017 4:54:12 AM] aj: and, of course I did [8/14/2017 4:54:18 AM] aj: Because you are one. [8/14/2017 4:54:35 AM] aj: You're overcomplicating this. [8/14/2017 4:54:36 AM] girl: How!!! [8/14/2017 4:55:17 AM] girl: Excuse me I'm not good at simplifying my attraction to you [8/14/2017 4:55:28 AM] girl: myyyy damnnn badddd 9____9 [8/14/2017 4:55:31 AM] aj: That's fair. [8/14/2017 4:55:38 AM] aj:  /headpats [8/14/2017 4:55:53 AM] girl: Don't headpat me [8/14/2017 4:56:07 AM] aj: Just now, or never again? [8/14/2017 4:56:07 AM] girl: you deserve scorn and cold shoulders [8/14/2017 4:56:18 AM] girl: id be sad if you never did it again [8/14/2017 4:56:22 AM] girl: so [8/14/2017 4:56:33 AM] aj: Oh, okay then. [8/14/2017 4:56:36 AM] aj:  /headpats [8/14/2017 4:56:41 AM] aj: I don't want you to be sad. [8/14/2017 4:57:05 AM] girl: and you made me say it [8/14/2017 4:57:11 AM] girl: which is really rude [8/14/2017 4:57:51 AM] girl: put, my elephant, back in the closet, where she belongs [8/14/2017 4:58:57 AM] aj: See, I have to balance all sorts of different considerations. [8/14/2017 4:59:06 AM] aj: Whenever I give you what you want. [8/14/2017 4:59:21 AM] girl: What do you mean? [8/14/2017 4:59:46 AM] aj: I can't spoil you without this sort of conversation happening. [8/14/2017 4:59:55 AM] aj: But if I don't spoil you, you also get pouty. [8/14/2017 5:00:05 AM] girl: I don't get pouty [8/14/2017 5:00:37 AM] aj: At the very minimum, whenever you demand to be spoiled, and I don't [8/14/2017 5:00:41 AM] aj: you then press for it more. [8/14/2017 5:00:59 AM] girl: I wasn't doing that just now, was i? [8/14/2017 5:01:35 AM] girl: also, it's my nature and I can't help that i need to be spoiled all the time [8/14/2017 5:01:53 AM] girl: I'm a very rotten girl [8/14/2017 5:02:36 AM] aj: I like how you shift from "I didn't ask for it this time" to "Even when I do ask for it, it's just my nature, don't judge me." [8/14/2017 5:02:52 AM] aj: I don't mind you wanting to be spoiled a lot. [8/14/2017 5:03:03 AM] aj: You do it in a cute way. [8/14/2017 5:03:15 AM] girl: God [8/14/2017 5:03:34 AM] girl: You're making me blush lol cool [8/14/2017 5:04:12 AM] aj: Really, all that shift tells me is that you just constantly want to be spoiled. [8/14/2017 5:04:15 AM] aj: Even when not asking for it. [8/14/2017 5:04:18 AM] aj: Which means. [8/14/2017 5:04:31 AM] aj: Where's the problem when I spoil you, even if you don't ask for it? [8/14/2017 5:04:55 AM] girl: I guess there isn't a fuckening problem [8/14/2017 5:05:11 AM] aj: See?  I told you there was no problem. [8/14/2017 5:05:11 AM] girl: But you can't spoil me just cause you pity me [8/14/2017 5:06:00 AM] girl: I don't want to be spoiled if your heart doesn't think I'm cute and deserving of being spoiled [8/14/2017 5:06:16 AM] aj: I think you're cute. [8/14/2017 5:06:26 AM] aj: That's what you really wanted to know, wasn't it? [8/14/2017 5:06:39 AM] aj: I could get away with an "I don't pity you" [8/14/2017 5:06:47 AM] aj: But you really wanted to know if I thought you were cute [8/14/2017 5:06:50 AM] aj: So, there. [8/14/2017 5:07:10 AM] girl: You could, but I'll give you brownie points for the other thing [8/14/2017 5:07:32 AM] girl: You're really ruthless [8/14/2017 5:09:10 AM] girl: But I'm serious when i say I don't want you to spoil me if your hearts not in it, I'd be disappointed, but I'd rather feel disappointed than stupid for liking half assed spoilings so much [8/14/2017 5:09:33 AM] girl: See? Im dog [8/14/2017 5:09:55 AM] aj:  /headpats [8/14/2017 5:10:38 AM] aj: These are top-tier spoilings. [8/14/2017 5:10:45 AM] girl: Hah [8/14/2017 5:10:50 AM] girl: Cute [8/14/2017 5:11:22 AM] aj: So. [8/14/2017 5:11:29 AM] aj: You have no reason to feel disappointment. [8/14/2017 5:11:51 AM] girl: Ahhh, im such a sucker for you, you know that? [8/14/2017 5:12:27 AM] aj: When you would continuously say you wish we didn't have a fucked up past because you wonder how we'd be like, I sort of got the hint. [8/14/2017 5:12:47 AM] girl: Lol how embarrassing of me [8/14/2017 5:14:18 AM] girl: On one hand im surprised how easily ive been suckered into feeling so smitten again but [8/14/2017 5:14:44 AM] girl: on the other hand i know i just shove that one down as hard as i can most times which isn't very hard evidently [8/14/2017 5:15:02 AM] girl:  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ guess im just a little freak [8/14/2017 5:15:12 AM] aj: Incidentally, you saying things like that is what makes you a tease. [8/14/2017 5:15:25 AM] girl: It helps me not to implode [8/14/2017 5:15:35 AM] aj: I get it [8/14/2017 5:15:40 AM] girl: I could be doing worse [8/14/2017 5:15:57 AM] girl: But I'm nicer than you most times [8/14/2017 5:16:18 AM] aj: You seem to think that what you do doesn't have an impact on me. [8/14/2017 5:16:31 AM] aj: I'm just better at not showing it. [8/14/2017 5:16:46 AM] aj: You're just as bad as me. [8/14/2017 5:16:55 AM] girl: I feel a little smug if thatsbyou admitting youre flustered [8/14/2017 5:17:09 AM] girl: am not [8/14/2017 5:17:19 AM] girl: I so am not as bad as you [8/14/2017 5:17:20 AM] aj: Did I not tell you the dog thing was mutual? [8/14/2017 5:17:23 AM] aj: I think I did. [8/14/2017 5:17:38 AM] girl: Idiot [8/14/2017 5:18:14 AM] girl: I'm really not good at hiding it, then, huh [8/14/2017 5:18:24 AM] aj: Not at all. [8/14/2017 5:18:39 AM] girl: Thats [8/14/2017 5:18:42 AM] girl: Embarrassing [8/14/2017 5:18:56 AM] aj: I try to not mention it or call you on it most times, for that reason. [8/14/2017 5:19:05 AM] aj: That's what I mean by walking the lines I walk. [8/14/2017 5:19:14 AM] girl: I know [8/14/2017 5:19:24 AM] girl: I'm sorry i tease you, then [8/14/2017 5:19:42 AM] aj: Did I ever say I hated it? [8/14/2017 5:19:50 AM] girl: god [8/14/2017 5:19:55 AM] girl: You're getting me like [8/14/2017 5:20:00 AM] girl: Pretty fucking consistently [8/14/2017 5:21:33 AM] girl: I really try and keep it under wraps, i promise, so [8/14/2017 5:22:01 AM] girl: telling me stuff like you don't hate it is like [8/14/2017 5:22:06 AM] girl: Severely tempting [8/14/2017 5:22:20 AM] girl: I don't have as much self control as you [8/14/2017 5:22:42 AM] girl: and im impulsive and gluttonous for attention, especially yours [8/14/2017 5:23:23 AM] aj: I get you. [8/14/2017 5:23:38 AM] aj: It's why, for the most part, I just pretend not to notice. [8/14/2017 5:24:40 AM] girl: Do i do it a lot? [8/14/2017 5:25:28 AM] aj: Hmm.  So, while I might tease you consistently, I don't say the things that you do.  The difference is that you get attention and some affection from me. [8/14/2017 5:26:10 AM] aj: But when you tease, it's you flirting with ideas of an "us", you know?  Or you're more overtly sexual. [8/14/2017 5:27:01 AM] aj: Different in magnitude. [8/14/2017 5:27:05 AM] girl: It's not to be mean, m sorry if it feels like it [8/14/2017 5:27:14 AM] aj: I know you're not being mean. [8/14/2017 5:27:19 AM] aj: I know it's a self control thing. [8/14/2017 5:27:42 AM] girl: I genuinely have a hard time wrapping my head around not liking you the way i do and just figure ill die like this and itll be chill [8/14/2017 5:28:05 AM] aj: I like being relaxed around you and talking with you. [8/14/2017 5:28:34 AM] aj: When I tease, it's in fun and because I'm relaxed around you. [8/14/2017 5:28:44 AM] aj: and also because you set yourself up for it, really. [8/14/2017 5:28:53 AM] girl: Whoops [8/14/2017 5:29:53 AM] girl: I've always had a really hard time letting people go and letting people go when i love/d them romantically. [8/14/2017 5:30:17 AM] girl: And it kind of just is normal for me [8/14/2017 5:30:37 AM] girl: But it makes me happy you feel comfortable [8/14/2017 5:31:09 AM] girl: I'll probably be an Old Bitch and still think you're kind of hot [8/14/2017 5:31:41 AM] aj:  /headpats [8/14/2017 5:32:08 AM] aj: I don't mind it, but I view it as probably a healthier outlet than you repressing it. [8/14/2017 5:32:25 AM] aj: and I can handle you doing what you do without you needing to worry that I'll lose self-control. [8/14/2017 5:32:33 AM] girl: You think so? [8/14/2017 5:32:51 AM] aj: Yes. [8/14/2017 5:33:01 AM] girl: I try to be good anyway [8/14/2017 5:33:08 AM] aj: I don't want to fuck your life up any more than I already have. [8/14/2017 5:33:16 AM] aj: So, that's a very strong conviction. [8/14/2017 5:33:50 AM] girl: Pats your faceb [8/14/2017 5:34:12 AM] girl: I'm sorry I still feel this way [8/14/2017 5:34:21 AM] girl: I'm like a little leech girl [8/14/2017 5:34:34 AM] aj: You're not the only one in my life who does it? [8/14/2017 5:34:40 AM] aj: and you're more honest than the other one. [8/14/2017 5:34:58 AM] aj: The other one will bring up the past here or there, or throw <3 emotes seriously. [8/14/2017 5:35:08 AM] aj: But would fucking deny it if I called her on it. [8/14/2017 5:35:11 AM] aj: You're honest. [8/14/2017 5:35:17 AM] aj: I can respect you. [8/14/2017 5:35:24 AM] aj: You don't play games. [8/14/2017 5:36:18 AM] girl: Not sure if that makes me a little jealous or just embarrassed for myself because i throw <3 emotes at you or concerned about my thoughts [8/14/2017 5:36:38 AM] aj: You'll fess up when I call you on it. [8/14/2017 5:36:43 AM] aj: That makes all the difference. [8/14/2017 5:36:52 AM] girl: What's the point if you caught me? [8/14/2017 5:36:53 AM] aj: I don't care how bad you are, so long as you own it. [8/14/2017 5:37:03 AM] girl: Hahahaha [8/14/2017 5:37:18 AM] girl: You sure you don't just pity me? [8/14/2017 5:37:27 AM] girl: I really hate embarrassing myself [8/14/2017 5:37:35 AM] aj: You're cute. [8/14/2017 5:37:36 AM] girl: so im double checking [8/14/2017 5:37:47 AM] aj: I like talking with you. [8/14/2017 5:38:21 AM] girl: I like talking with you [8/14/2017 5:38:39 AM] girl: You can't say stuff like you don't care how bad i am [8/14/2017 5:38:51 AM] girl: this is pansy shit aj [8/14/2017 5:38:57 AM] girl: I'm fucking terrible [8/14/2017 5:39:08 AM] aj: Yeah, and when you annoy me, I'll tell you. [8/14/2017 5:39:18 AM] aj: But then you stop being annoying and we're cool. [8/14/2017 5:39:30 AM] aj: There's no need for me to hold some sort of grudge over it. [8/14/2017 5:39:40 AM] girl: It would scald me to be called annoying [8/14/2017 5:39:53 AM] girl: I probably would brood over it for weeks [8/14/2017 5:40:37 AM] girl: But the threat of being called annoying has straightened me out. Locked that shit back up right Quick. [8/14/2017 5:40:52 AM] aj: So, look.  I've read stuff written by people who are Saints.  I've read shit from terrible people.  Everyone's human.  Even on your best day, you are probably not as good as the saints, or as bad as those terrible people. [8/14/2017 5:41:16 AM] aj: So no matter how bad you are, I don't care.  It won't be something that registers with me. [8/14/2017 5:41:23 AM] aj: Just so long as you know what you are. [8/14/2017 5:41:31 AM] girl: Idiot [8/14/2017 5:41:49 AM] aj: If you deny it and you're denying it because you've tricked yourself into thinking you're not capable of saint things or terrible things, then I dislike that. [8/14/2017 5:42:03 AM] aj: If you deny it because it's embarrassing, I'll play along. [8/14/2017 5:42:08 AM] aj: Most times. [8/14/2017 5:42:14 AM] girl: Hahahaha [8/14/2017 5:42:26 AM] aj: but I can spot the difference, usually. [8/14/2017 5:42:32 AM] girl: you're kind, in a twisted sort of way [8/14/2017 5:43:16 AM] girl: you manage to pluck out things about me I'm not always paying attention to [8/14/2017 5:43:47 AM] girl: its neat to look at things like that even when I feel weirdly exposed [8/14/2017 5:44:12 AM] aj: This is how I handle most everyone. [8/14/2017 5:44:29 AM] aj: It's why people get spooked by me, but also why I get dog people a lot. [8/14/2017 5:44:39 AM] girl: Woof woof [8/14/2017 5:45:49 AM] girl: I just thought about that dream i had about you [8/14/2017 5:46:10 AM] girl: where you worked in the back of some asian fusion restaurant as a cook or something [8/14/2017 5:46:26 AM] girl: and one of my friends kept calling you a womans name [8/14/2017 5:47:08 AM] aj: (It better have been a fucking A+ Cute name.) [8/14/2017 5:47:14 AM] girl: Oh and aja drom rupauls drag race fucking blew you up!! Thats scary. Why did he do it... [8/14/2017 5:47:17 AM] girl: Ashley lol [8/14/2017 5:47:24 AM] aj: That's a slut name. [8/14/2017 5:47:29 AM] aj: Fuck that dream. [8/14/2017 5:47:33 AM] girl: cause youre a slut i guess [8/14/2017 5:47:42 AM] girl: ;( [8/14/2017 5:47:53 AM] aj: Yeah, but like [8/14/2017 5:48:00 AM] aj: Ashley is the slut everyone knows is a slut. [8/14/2017 5:48:06 AM] girl: "Yea but like" uh huh [8/14/2017 5:48:08 AM] aj: Because of the name. [8/14/2017 5:48:13 AM] girl: Uh huh [8/14/2017 5:48:17 AM] girl: right [8/14/2017 5:48:26 AM] aj: My replies don't work on me like they do on you. [8/14/2017 5:48:53 AM] aj: I'll be merciless with you, I'm warning you. [8/14/2017 5:48:54 AM] girl: You got blown up by a drag queen who was eliminated in the second episode and youre worried about your dumb name [8/14/2017 5:49:03 AM] girl: oh no [8/14/2017 5:49:04 AM] aj: Of course I am. [8/14/2017 5:49:10 AM] aj: The rest is stupid. [8/14/2017 5:49:12 AM] girl: He's going to be merciless with me [8/14/2017 5:49:23 AM] aj: Bark for me, Princess. [8/14/2017 5:49:37 AM] girl: OKAY DAMN OKA [8/14/2017 5:50:10 AM] girl: OKAY! Lol! Thats chill. Haha. Fuck. Okay [8/14/2017 5:50:24 AM] aj: I'm glad we understand each other, now. [8/14/2017 5:50:36 AM] girl: ........ [8/14/2017 5:51:05 AM] girl: (´ ∀ ` *) [8/14/2017 5:51:09 AM] girl: You know [8/14/2017 5:51:14 AM] girl: I'm not that petty [8/14/2017 5:51:38 AM] girl: You can have it aj. You. Can fucken. Have it. I Mmm not gonna stoop to your level. [8/14/2017 5:51:43 AM] girl: probably [8/14/2017 5:52:29 AM] aj: Honestly, I think it's more that you're worried your best won't work on me, but sure.  We can go with this story. [8/14/2017 5:52:38 AM] girl: Lol [8/14/2017 5:52:46 AM] girl: Is that what yoy think [8/14/2017 5:52:54 AM] girl: Is that really what you think [8/14/2017 5:52:57 AM] aj: I said it. [8/14/2017 5:53:04 AM] girl: Thats really. Really. Cute! Thats really cute [8/14/2017 5:53:09 AM] girl: Thats hilarious [8/14/2017 5:53:38 AM] girl: The devil is tempting me and I'm holding my head up high and saying no, satan, I'm not gonna play your games today [8/14/2017 5:53:52 AM] girl: But, good god, almighty [8/14/2017 5:54:03 AM] girl: I am being tempted and tested [8/14/2017 5:54:41 AM] aj: That's a lot of lines for a narrative we both know doesn't hold up. [8/14/2017 5:54:44 AM] aj: But, again, sure. [8/14/2017 5:55:02 AM] girl: :))))) [8/14/2017 5:55:24 AM] girl: Don't push it boy [8/14/2017 5:55:56 AM] aj: I'm still waiting on that "woof". [8/14/2017 5:56:17 AM] girl: Youre a demon [8/14/2017 5:56:35 AM] aj: You should be happy about that.  It means I play by a set of rules. [8/14/2017 5:57:47 AM] girl: Do you have any idea how attracted to you i am? Do you have any clue even at all? I like honestly am so good and its so fucking mean to play into shit you remember i fucking like like fuck off thats so mean holy shit like [8/14/2017 5:57:54 AM] girl: Thats downright cruel [8/14/2017 5:58:02 AM] girl: And you know what!!! [8/14/2017 5:58:36 AM] girl: I'm probably going to get off to it later. :))). So there. [8/14/2017 5:58:48 AM] aj: I was hoping the next line was "woof". [8/14/2017 5:58:54 AM] girl: (((:. You have thrown me into hell. [8/14/2017 5:58:55 AM] aj: That would have been great. [8/14/2017 5:59:05 AM] aj: You missed out on like, the best stinger to that. [8/14/2017 5:59:22 AM] girl: :))). [8/14/2017 5:59:32 AM] aj:  /headpats [8/14/2017 5:59:44 AM] girl: Eat shit, and die [8/14/2017 6:00:08 AM] aj: See, you never can just let things go [8/14/2017 6:00:19 AM] aj: That's your problem. [8/14/2017 6:00:26 AM] aj: Because you do that, and then I have to escalate. [8/14/2017 6:00:33 AM] girl: Right [8/14/2017 6:00:43 AM] girl: My fault [8/14/2017 6:01:14 AM] girl: You told me to Bark for you [8/14/2017 6:01:28 AM] aj: I warned you. [8/14/2017 6:01:34 AM] aj: Beforehand. [8/14/2017 6:01:46 AM] girl: it was cruel of you [8/14/2017 6:02:00 AM] aj: You should take my warnings, then. [8/14/2017 6:03:42 AM] girl: Nope. Just gonna keep adding to me repertoire of Erotic Jack Off Fodder. Thats on you babe. Honestly? Thats your fault. You told me to fucking bark for you and im just gonna take that one   [8/14/2017 6:03:54 AM] girl: Like its mine now, sorry. [8/14/2017 6:03:58 AM] aj: Cool. [8/14/2017 6:04:19 AM] girl: 🙄 [8/14/2017 6:04:23 AM] aj: It's sort of incomplete. [8/14/2017 6:04:31 AM] girl: WOOF [8/14/2017 6:04:34 AM] aj: I'm gonna get some sleep shortly, so I'll give you a little more. [8/14/2017 6:05:24 AM] aj: So, don't get off to it later unless you put a collar or choker on your neck.  Close your eyes and imagine the palm of my hand on top of your head.  You'll get all the affection you want while you're barking and whimpering. [8/14/2017 6:05:40 AM] aj: <3 [8/14/2017 6:05:41 AM] girl: Holy fucking shit [8/14/2017 6:05:53 AM] girl: Literally die [8/14/2017 6:06:01 AM] aj: Oh, and... [8/14/2017 6:06:14 AM] aj: Wherever you go, let my voice follow you. [8/14/2017 6:06:19 AM] aj: There. [8/14/2017 6:06:33 AM] girl: I'm [8/14/2017 6:06:39 AM] girl: Gonna [8/14/2017 6:06:44 AM] girl: Die now [8/14/2017 6:06:54 AM] girl: You fucking idiot [8/14/2017 6:07:09 AM] aj: Ah, but all of that makes this so much more meaningful [8/14/2017 6:07:14 AM] aj:  /lots of headpats [8/14/2017 6:07:18 AM] aj: :3 [8/14/2017 6:07:31 AM] girl: HhahahaH [8/14/2017 6:07:41 AM] girl: Fuck you [8/14/2017 6:08:40 AM] aj: Mm, well, it's time for me to get some rest. [8/14/2017 6:09:14 AM] aj: I'm sure you're furiously worked up, furiously blushing, and probably just furious. [8/14/2017 6:09:20 AM] aj: Goodnight [8/14/2017 6:09:23 AM] aj: ~ [8/14/2017 6:13:00 AM] girl: Goodnight you idiot [8/14/2017 6:13:25 AM] girl: And you're right! Hope you feel great about it! [8/14/2017 4:44:51 PM] girl: Idiot [8/14/2017 4:44:58 PM] girl: idiot idiot idiot [8/14/2017 6:06:55 PM] aj: Hmm? [8/14/2017 6:07:33 PM] girl: Dont hmm me like you dont know [8/14/2017 6:08:52 PM] aj: Hah, fair enough. [8/14/2017 6:08:55 PM] aj: I'm glad it was good. [8/14/2017 6:09:32 PM] girl: Okay, i never said that [8/14/2017 6:09:44 PM] aj: No, you didn't. [8/14/2017 6:09:51 PM] aj: Here's your chance to deny it. [8/14/2017 6:10:35 PM] girl: 🙄 [8/14/2017 6:11:26 PM] aj: That shows up as a box, for me. [8/14/2017 6:11:53 PM] aj: One of those that implies I don't have the right fonts or something. [8/14/2017 6:11:57 PM] girl: Its the eyeroll emoji [8/14/2017 6:11:57 PM] aj: Anyways. [8/14/2017 6:12:47 PM] girl: You're like [8/14/2017 6:13:23 PM] girl: It shouldn't be so easy for you to push my buttons like that idiot [8/14/2017 6:13:46 PM] aj: Do you believe me when I tell you I've gotten better at pushing buttons in general, now? [8/14/2017 6:16:42 PM] girl: Probably [8/14/2017 6:17:18 PM] aj: Good answer. [8/14/2017 6:18:22 PM] girl: I just hope it wasn't to really condescend me or pity me, even though I didn't dislike you beinh a flirt [8/14/2017 6:18:31 PM] girl: You fuckinhg flirt [8/14/2017 6:18:42 PM] aj: I'm going to say this one more time. [8/14/2017 6:18:57 PM] girl: I know [8/14/2017 6:19:05 PM] girl: I just worry [8/14/2017 6:19:24 PM] aj: I like you.  I like flirting with you.  I think you're cute.  I have always thought you act cute, even when you sometimes go really creepy or strange. [8/14/2017 6:20:26 PM] aj: Just like you, I have to deal with fucked up feelings.  But that's them. [8/14/2017 6:21:57 PM] aj: I think doing things out of pity is a shit reason to do things. [8/14/2017 6:22:08 PM] aj: and I don't really have too much pity. [8/14/2017 6:22:16 PM] aj: I am more likely to pity-fuck than pity-flirt. [8/14/2017 6:22:43 PM] girl: Hahaha. [8/14/2017 6:23:47 PM] girl: I just get scared that im crumbling weirdly in front of you and that its a mess and that you dont feel messy at all too, causr I really hate making an ass of myself [8/14/2017 6:24:32 PM] girl: But I've almost always really liked you and when I haven't I've still felt pretty crazy about you [8/14/2017 6:25:04 PM] girl: Sorry im a creep too sometimes hahahaha [8/14/2017 6:25:16 PM] aj: Being honest with it is easier.  I just tend not to say it.  Being honest usually makes me not be crumbly about it. [8/14/2017 6:25:18 PM] aj: It [8/14/2017 6:25:29 PM] aj: It's weird and nobody I know would understand or approve. [8/14/2017 6:25:52 PM] aj: But that's just how it is. [8/14/2017 6:25:57 PM] aj: Best to be honest with it. [8/14/2017 6:26:07 PM] aj: Being honest with it means I can better handle it. [8/14/2017 6:26:08 PM] girl: Hah [8/14/2017 6:26:35 PM] girl: You're cute sometimes [8/14/2017 6:26:56 PM] girl: I woke up really late cause I talked to you so long [8/14/2017 6:28:06 PM] girl: I'm not quite as pathetic for you as i used to be but I'm still a dog girl it seems [8/14/2017 6:28:33 PM] aj: I wasn't exactly giving you an easy time of it. [8/14/2017 6:28:37 PM] aj: For what it's worth. [8/14/2017 6:28:42 PM] aj: Don't think too badly of yourself. [8/14/2017 6:28:48 PM] girl: I don't mind so much. I guess cause I'm not surprised. [8/14/2017 6:28:57 PM] girl: Hahahaha [8/14/2017 6:29:33 PM] girl: That's not all you. I think about you that way more often than is appropriate or excusable [8/14/2017 6:29:48 PM] aj: I know. [8/14/2017 6:29:58 PM] aj: Mostly because you tell me so. [8/14/2017 6:30:00 PM] girl: You do? [8/14/2017 6:30:13 PM] aj: I know I might seem disinterested? [8/14/2017 6:30:19 PM] girl: Oh [8/14/2017 6:30:21 PM] aj: But I try to remember stuff. [8/14/2017 6:30:39 PM] aj: and I notice what things you talk about. [8/14/2017 6:30:46 PM] aj: and what interrupts you. [8/14/2017 6:31:09 PM] aj: and there's been no shortage of you yelling at me, which you'd only do if you were frustrated and thinking about me. [8/14/2017 6:31:37 PM] aj: If I was on your mind, you'd put some of the blame on me, and after blaming me, it's fine to yell at me. [8/14/2017 6:31:45 PM] aj: If you couldn't blame me, you wouldn't yell at me. [8/14/2017 6:31:49 PM] aj: You're not like that. [8/14/2017 6:31:57 PM] aj: Even if the blame is flimsy, it has to be there. [8/14/2017 6:32:41 PM] aj: So all it comes down to is noticing. [8/14/2017 6:33:28 PM] aj: You do it in clusters, which usually lines up when other things are going bad for you and so, since I'm still a dirty habit, I pop out more then. [8/14/2017 6:33:44 PM] girl: M sorry about that [8/14/2017 6:33:59 PM] aj: It is what it is. [8/14/2017 6:34:21 PM] aj: I don't care if you're bad, so long as you're honest about it. [8/14/2017 6:34:35 PM] girl: I don't totally understand all your observations of me, maybe mostly cause my memory is sorta bad and I don't really think about the things i do [8/14/2017 6:34:59 PM] girl: But I still think I don't like that ive hurt you [8/14/2017 6:35:44 PM] girl: Ultimately I'm selfish and would probably do it anyway if I really wanted something but... i said before its not nice to scapegoat and I shouldn't [8/14/2017 6:36:07 PM] aj: If I get sick of it, I disappear. [8/14/2017 6:36:11 PM] aj: So it works out. [8/14/2017 6:36:43 PM] girl: I hope you're not sick of other stuff i do, but I understand if you are [8/14/2017 6:36:58 PM] aj: You have nothing to worry about right now. [8/14/2017 6:37:05 PM] girl: I still don't like it [8/14/2017 6:37:15 PM] aj:  /headpats [8/14/2017 6:37:20 PM] aj: We all carry some guilt. [8/14/2017 6:37:23 PM] aj: I'm not angry at you. [8/14/2017 6:37:35 PM] aj: If you still dislike what happened, don't do it again. [8/14/2017 6:37:52 PM] girl: I'll try [8/14/2017 6:39:18 PM] girl: I don't like feeling so at your mercy but I know I don't feel right holding something over you in a cruel way [8/14/2017 6:39:42 PM] girl: Or making excuses to be angry with you when they aren't real reasons [8/14/2017 6:39:51 PM] aj: We both have the capability to hurt the other person. [8/14/2017 6:39:55 PM] aj: and to be good to the other person. [8/14/2017 6:40:32 PM] girl: Is it stockholmy or just desperate of me if I want to be good to you? [8/14/2017 6:40:49 PM] aj: Maybe you're just a good person? [8/14/2017 6:41:13 PM] aj: Even if you describe it correctly, assuming a correct answer exists, it won't be less confusing. [8/14/2017 6:41:24 PM] girl: Hahahaha [8/14/2017 6:41:30 PM] girl: You're probably right [8/14/2017 6:41:48 PM] aj: Anyways, I need to go. [8/14/2017 6:41:57 PM] aj: Take it easy [8/14/2017 6:42:07 PM] girl: Where to? [8/14/2017 6:42:12 PM] girl: You too, dummy [8/14/2017 6:42:22 PM] aj: A friend's [8/14/2017 6:42:34 PM] girl: Have fun~ [8/14/2017 6:42:34 PM] aj: We made plans.  So I'm headed over to his. [8/14/2017 6:42:38 PM] aj: Yep [8/14/2017 6:42:53 PM] girl: <3 [8/14/2017 9:14:39 PM] girl: I've always found you pretty unbearably darling [8/14/2017 9:15:28 PM] girl: I slept most of my day away and went on a little night walk [8/14/2017 9:27:26 PM] girl: I'm scared of being left alone and I'm scared of messing up, but I still feel so much more right when I have you around, and I hate that it'll never be in an all the way healthy or normal way. [8/14/2017 9:28:28 PM] girl: It's not a big deal ultimately I guess. I forget what I'm saying... [8/14/2017 9:30:07 PM] girl: I'm scared I'm not special to you though I know you tell me otherwise almost all the time. I like when you spoil me, I like when you pay attention to me, I like when you comfort me. I like to hear about your day and I like when you tell me about yours [8/14/2017 9:30:51 PM] girl: Thanks for paying attention to me and calling me cute when i make it obvious that i want to be called cute [8/14/2017 9:31:20 PM] girl: (´ ∀ ` *) Im happy right now, even though im an unforgivable fuck up [8/15/2017 2:21:41 AM] girl: I HATE sativa so much lol... [8/15/2017 1:07:26 PM] girl: 2 damn hot [8/15/2017 10:46:32 PM] girl: Sorry for always messaging yoy i think its fun and im a little you knowWHAT [8/15/2017 11:41:21 PM] girl: in other news, todayi  put a bunch of hydrangeas in my hair after meticulpously checking them for bugs and then touched a big leaf and a giant fucking carpenter ant fell off and bit me really hard!! [8/15/2017 11:57:13 PM] girl: it was rly cool and i didnt cry (*・∀-)☆
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