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sundaysundaes · 3 years

Text

Revival

Jung Jaehyun X Reader feat. Haechan | Fluff, Smut, Hurt/Comfort, Soulmate AU | NC-17 | 15k

Summary: When fate brought Jung Jaehyun to you, it didn’t feel like your first time meeting him. And with him, smiling at you like his heart shattering to pieces, eyes painted with longing, you knew you were connected to him somehow. You just have to find the answers before it’s too late.

Warnings: sex scenes (both with Jaehyun and Haechan), mentions of death and suicide

For my lovely cinnamon bun Esme @rainydayswithnct I couldn’t think of anything else to give you but this. You’ve been nothing but kind to me, I hope this will make you happy ❤️

His eyes… They remind you of the ocean after the storm.

It’s not the color as his are dark brown, like the freshly turned earth after rain. It’s the feeling, the way they glimmer under the soft evening light, calm and steady, but in a way, emits sadness, yearning for something. As if he had been crushed, trapped inside a hurricane for so long, he was about to fade into the void. And as he peered into your eyes, full of depths and secrets you long to unveil, something tugs upon your heartstring.

It’s not love at a first sight. You’ve experienced that before with Lee Donghyuck, the lover whom you share frantic kisses and desperate touches with. But it’s something more intense, something you can’t even begin to fathom, something you wish you understand.

The second your eyes are locked to each other, it’s like you’re electrocuted, starting from the tip of your hair down to your toes.

“Oh, sorry,” you say, your voice sounds like you haven’t spoken in years. A tiny red spot begins to form on his chin from where it made contact with your head earlier. “I was looking for a book so I wasn’t—I didn’t see you there.”

The man, young enough to be around your age with a gaze wiser than most, has an expression of a heartbroken man. There’s pain that fleets through his eyes, a feeling that he quickly hides with a smile too bright to be genuinely coming from the heart. When he speaks, his voice is both rich and soft, deep and tender. “No, it was my fault.” He shakes his head. “Please don’t apologize.”

You want to reach out to him, want to know why he looks like he’s seconds away from breaking apart, want to ask him whether you’ve said too much or too less. But he’s nothing but a stranger and you don’t want to step out of the line. “Were you looking for a book?”

“Yes, umm…” He points his finger towards a book hidden in the shelf behind you. “That one.”

You follow his direction, smiling when you read the title written on its spine. “No wonder we bumped heads. I was aiming for the same book.”

“Oh, then it’s fine,” he says, pushing the book back to you after you handed it to him. “You can take it.”

“No, please, go ahead. I’ve read this too many times already.”

“Me too. So—”

“I insist.” You press the book to his chest, looking up at him. He looms before you, standing 180 centimeters tall that you have to tilt your head up to match his line of vision. You catch a sniff of his scent, the smell of soap and aftershave, thinly layered by cologne. His eyelashes are long, face framed by strong jawlines, brunette locks falling over his forehead. When his lips curve up, pretty dimples start to form in his cheeks. He looks like a painting, a thought runs through your mind, one that you hastily dismiss. “Take it as a form of my apology for bruising your chin,” you add.

His eyes widen, just for a split second before a soft chuckle reverberates from his chest. When he speaks again, it’s almost like a whisper—like a secret never meant to be told, “I can never win against you.”

You barely catch his words. “Sorry, what?”

“Nothing.” He clears his throat, hiding his eyes behind his bangs. “I’m… I was about to borrow this and grab some coffee. Would you care to join me? I’d love to talk more.” His body language indicates that he’s nervous which you find rather endearing. “I mean, It’s hard to find someone who has a similar taste like mine.”

Your heart convulses. You know how grabbing some coffee together tends to lead to something more. Your boyfriend’s name pops in your head but your lips betray you before your brain can form a warning. “Well, I do have a peculiar taste when it comes to books,” you answer with a smile. “Sure, as long as you tell me your name.”

“Right, sorry.” You love the sound he makes when he chuckles, and you love it more when it echoes louder in your ears. He offers his hand, stretching out his lean fingers. “I’m Jaehyun.”

You expect it to be soft just like the way he’s gazing at you, but his palm feels calloused against your own. When you reply to him with your name, he seems stunned but doesn’t stay still for long. Your name flows out of his mouth so naturally, as if he has been calling you for years, like a soulmate to another. It feels like electricity is running through your veins once more, something that you’ve never experienced before.

It takes around ten minutes to walk from the library to the nearest coffee shop and by then, you’ve caught on the little gestures he makes: the way he forces himself to laugh a little when he notices he’s being too straightforward; the way he clears his throat when he feels like his words have more hidden meanings than they let on. You’ve become aware of his passion and the love he has for books, so strong that it can only be matched by your own. You’ve learned about his dream, a novelist in the making, taking his first baby steps to turn it into reality.

“Have you thought about what kind of story you’re planning to write?” You question as you slide your cup closer with hot, black coffee shimmering inside. Before you take a sip, Jaehyun drags a sugar bowl toward your direction. “What?”

“It’s too bitter for you.”

“You think I can’t handle my coffee?”

“It’s not that.” He clears his throat and you wonder what is it that he’s trying to hide. “The coffees here are always too bitter.”

“Yeah?” You taunt him, smirking. “Well, watch me.” You take a sip, about to wince when the bitter taste hits your tongue but you act unfazed. Smacking your lips, you say, “See? I’m fine.”

“You’re sure?”

“No. Give me the damn sugar.”

It doesn’t take long before Jaehyun’s little laughter becomes one of your most favorite sounds in the world.

“I’m planning to write a romance novel,” he responds to your earlier question.

“Romance, huh? To be honest, I see you more as someone who writes detective stories. Never would’ve pegged you as a romantic.”

“Well, it’s supposed to be more than just a romance story. It has a supernatural element to it. Borderline fantasy.”

“Like what?”

He takes a few seconds before he responds quietly with a secretive smile. “I guess you’ll just have to read to find out.”

“Cheapskate.” You purse your lips. “Is it going to have a happy ending?”

“Well, they’ll be separated by death in the end.”

“No,” you drawl out. “What happens to them? You can’t just say something like that and then not tell me about it.”

“Of course, I can.” There’s a tiny smirk creeping up his lips. “I’m the author.”

“And a jerk too, apparently.” You’re worried you might go too far with your joke but Jaehyun still peers at you with that warm, longing eyes that make you curl your toes.

“Fine, then,” he succumbs. “Since you insist, I’ll give you a hint later. But you’ll have to imagine the rest.”

“Then tell you about it? What if you steal my idea?” You raise an eyebrow, teasing him. “I happen to have a very creative imagination.”

“I promise you I won’t. I’ve finished writing my version of it. I’ll let you see it after you tell me yours.”

“Huh, interesting.” You pretend like you’re rethinking your decision, just to get him a little bit hopeful and nervous by it. “Deal, why not.” Your coffee has grown slightly cold but the sugary taste of it serves as an addiction. “So, does that mean we’ll see each other again?”

“Well, I do have to go back to the library to return the book. So, hopefully, yes.” You both exchange stares, sharing sheepish smiles with you breaking away first, bringing your focus back to your coffee. “I’ve never seen you in the library before,” Jaehyun questions, “Is today your first time visiting?”

“No. I’ve been visiting it almost every day for the last… two weeks, I think? It’s near my workplace so I usually drop by after work to read for an hour or two. My apartment is pretty small so it feels a bit cramped. That’s why I enjoy spending more time outside.” You swirl your spoon, watching the little whirlpool you create inside your cup. “Besides, I can’t read at home.”

“Why’s that?”

“It’s…” You awkwardly laugh, waving one hand in the air. “I have a boyfriend who is younger than me and he’s a pretty lively person. It’s hard to focus on your book when someone keeps pulling you into conversations.”

Jaehyun’s fingers stop tapping against the surface of the coffee table but it’s too fast for you to notice before he starts again. “Isn’t it better to have someone like that rather than to be alone, though?” He counters, the smile on his lips never falter but the one in his eyes does.

“I…” It’s not apparent but you can sense it, the painful look on his face. It feels like you just said something that hurt him so badly that you want to apologize about it. “Yeah… I guess so…”

Maybe he notices you noticing, which is why he tries to mask his feelings better with a wider smile that does reach his eyes this time. “Why do you choose this library?” He diverts the topic. “There are a lot of new ones in town, bigger ones too. This place is pretty old and dusty.”

“Can’t argue with that.” You nod, sighing. “Okay, don’t laugh, but honestly? It just feels somewhat nostalgic to me. The first time I stepped inside, it felt like I’d been spending all my life there—just sitting on that old couch, reading books, enjoying the silence. It just feels familiar, even more comforting than being in my room. It’s weird but I can only feel at ease when I read there.” Jaehyun stays quiet that you have to lift your head to understand what goes through his head. His face is pensive, undecipherable. “What about you? What’s your reason, Jaehyun?”

He stops breathing at the sound of his name escaping your mouth, his shoulders tense, and only after what feels like hours, he finally has the strength to drag his eyes away from yours, bringing them down to see his interlaced fingers lying on the table.

“It’s just closer to my place.”

***

“Hey, babe.” Donghyuck chirps with a lollipop stuck in his mouth, his fingers running through the keyboards, eyes locked to his computer screen. He can tell that it’s you who just slipped through the front door by the sound of your footsteps. “You’re late. Did you get the puddings I asked you?”

“They’re in the fridge.” You take off your coat and unwrap your scarf from your neck before you stroll toward the living room. You can’t remember what or who initiated it but it has been almost six months since he started living in your apartment. You remember how he used to spend just one night at your place on the weekend, then two when he felt a bit needy for your touch. Before you knew it, his personal belongings were scattered all over the place—his hoodie on the couch, his towel on the bed, his toothbrush on your sink—and he could be spending the entire week at your place, only moving once to his apartment when he ran out of comic books to read. It just came so naturally that you didn’t notice at first but by the time you did, it was too late to even bring the topic to the table.

Being with Donghyuck was easy, casual, and he gave you more reasons to laugh over little things more than anyone else. During the first two months, you acted like newlyweds with him peppering kisses on your face whenever you arrived home from work. Unlike you, Donghyuck is a freelancer and he does most of his work at home. He used to be considerate enough to do some chores for you—cooking, cleaning the bathroom, sometimes even doing your laundry when he felt he’d been neglecting you. Whenever you arrived late, he would’ve always had something prepared for you, beaming at you with a contagious grin while chiming, “Finally, you’re here! I’ve been waiting for you and I’m starving. Today’s dish is your favorite so let’s eat!”

But things are bound to change and happiness doesn’t last forever. It started slow, almost unnoticeable, with him forgetting to kiss you good night before bed and you treating the fact that he no longer paid attention to what you were wearing as normal. Nowadays, he doesn’t have enough affection to greet you with his smile—one that used to shine brighter than the sun. Comforting hugs and welcome kisses are long forgotten.

It’s lonely, but it’s fine. He’s still here. Donghyuck is still yours as much as you are his.

It’s fine.

“I met someone today,” you say, reaching out to stroke his dark hair. It’s so soft and fluffy like a dog’s fur and you find it calming just to card your fingers through them. The feelings are the same, only his reaction isn’t. He used to lean into your touch as a kitten would. Now, he doesn’t even spare you a glance.

“A man?”

“Yep.”

“Is he hot?”

“Well, he’s not ugly.”

“Then don’t get too close to him.”

Donghyuck is the jealous type, he’s always been—sometimes even a bit possessive but it makes you happy to know there’s someone out there who cares about you so much he doesn’t want to share you with anyone else. But not today. Today, his words feel empty. You can tell that he doesn’t mean any of them. He just says them as a joke, maybe out of habit, but certainly not a warning.

“What will we be having for dinner?” You ask him when he’s busy shouting foul words to his screen as his character just got shot dead.

“Jesus—left, you moron!” He groans loudly in to the air before he turns around, finally recognizing your presence. “What? Oh.” He pops the lollipop out of his mouth. “I just had some take-outs.”

“You didn’t wait for me?”

“I was dead hungry, but I ordered some for you too. It’s probably cold now but you can heat it up.”

“Can you do that for me, please? I love it when you add more seasonings to it.”

“I’d love to do that but,” he smiles apologetically, his fingers meeting the keyboards once more. “I’m busy, babe. There’s an event going on and Jeno literally won’t let me take a break. Look, I’ll cook for you tomorrow, I promise.”

You have stopped believing in his promises, or at least, don’t allow yourself to believe. You’ve learned that the best way to avoid disappointment is to not expect anything.

You smile back, push his hair away so you can land a kiss on his temple. And no matter how much your bottled-up feelings are about to burst, you don’t say a word.

Because you know silence is what keeps your relationship alive.

***

That night, Jaehyun appeared in your dream.

He had a different hairstyle, a little bit shorter, color’s a shade darker. He was dressed in an old-fashioned way—a white buttoned-up shirt under a brown blazer that was a couple of sizes bigger than it was supposed to. Nevertheless, he looked just as strikingly handsome as he was in real life.

He took off his fedora hat, bowing when his eyes met yours as he entered the library—the one that you always visit. “You look beautiful today,” he said, smiling like he always has from the first time you saw him but it felt different in the dream. His smile was timid and shy, eyes never stayed long enough to be locked with yours, but they were honest. The way they shimmered in adoration at the sight of you, painted with both desire and affection.

Your body went autopilot, words flowing from your mouth before you could even process the situation. It was like you were residing in someone else’s body, just a bystander. “Are you saying I didn’t look beautiful yesterday?”

“No, that’s not—” At the sight of you covering your smile behind your hand, he sighed, pressing his hat to his chest. “Don’t tease me like that.”

“I’m sorry. Which book would you like to read today?”

“Will you choose one for me?”

“Unfortunately, I have a peculiar taste when it comes to books—”

“I trust you.” He smiled a tad wider, perfect teeth peeking behind soft red lips, and you could feel your lips curving to mirror his.

“Well then,” you said, reaching toward a bookshelf. “Why don’t we start with this?”

It ended without you knowing what book it was nor the line between your dream and reality. They stand out so vividly—the scenery, his expressions, the lines you’d exchanged with him—that it takes you a few good minutes to realize that it was just a dream and not a memory.

You couldn’t sleep for the rest of the night.

***

The library is indeed old, with walls standing in dire need to be repainted. But the faint smell of sandalwood combined with the orange tint of sunlight sneaking through the windows is comforting. Crowds don’t gather much around here—maybe four or five people at most—and you’re consoled by the tranquility. There’s only a soft thrum of acoustic guitar playing through the speakers that keep you company.

And Jaehyun.

You meet him every day when the sun is an hour away from setting. You don’t chat for long, spending most of your hour reading your chosen book for the day while stealing glances at him scribbling stuff down on his notebook.

“Why don’t you use a laptop?”

“Not fond of it. I feel more like a writer this way,” Jaehyun responds, re-reading the words he just wrote on paper. When he notices you’re giggling, he frowns. “What?”

“You’re like my dad.”

“Then I’m sure your dad is a very smart, tech-savvy man.”

“I’m saying you have an old soul, the way you prefer to do stuff more traditionally.” You sink further into your chair, opening a new page, eyes scanning the lines but not reading them. “Well, I guess that makes the two of us since I already have the e-book version of this on my iPad and I’m still here reading it in a library. How’s your story going?”

“Pretty well. I just came up with a really annoying character.” His smile is a bit different this time, somewhat mischievous. “Inspired by someone.”

“You’re not talking about me, are you?”

Jaehyun drags his pen over his note. “Character A begins to question her—”

“Shut up!”

The more time you spend with him, the more you feel like he’s becoming a mystery you can’t solve. You’re closer to him, closer than any of your friends, but you know there are secrets he tries to bury underneath those tender smiles. To you, Jaehyun, with his eyes that always seem like they’re telling a different story—one that nearly drives him to the brink of tears, still seems like an incomplete puzzle. And if time allows you, you’d gladly collect every piece of him to be able to perceive him better.

***

Jaehyun visited you in another dream.

This time, you were walking next to him beside a beautiful pond in a backyard that seemed familiar enough to be your own. Both of you were dressed in traditional clothing and you wondered whether a ceremony just occurred.

“Are you nervous?” He asked, holding your hand.

“I don’t know, maybe,” you heard yourself mumble, body moving beyond your control. “I just feel like we’re moving too fast. We just turned twenty.”

“Are you having doubts?” He intertwined your fingers better and you noticed how his were shaking slightly. “About me?”

“Of course not.” You turned around, reaching up to caress his cheek, stroking his cheekbone with your thumb. “Jaehyun, this is the only thing I’ve ever wanted. I want to be with you, there’s no doubt about it. I’m just thinking about our future, that’s all. What will we do with our jobs? Our money? What will we do when we have kids—”

“It’s just like you to overthink about stuff,” he tittered, “We’ll cross the bridge when we get there.”

That earned him a pout. “I’m not overthinking about stuff. I’m planning them.”

“Of course, my bad.” He kissed your inner palm once before he let you frame his face again, his hand pressing against the back of your smaller one. “Thank you.”

You frowned. “For what?”

“For everything. For caring, for worrying.” Jaehyun smiled so gently, it was almost heartbreaking. “For being with me. Perhaps it’s immature for me to say this, but whatever future that lies ahead of us, I’m sure it’s filled with nothing but joy as long as we’re together.”

“That is such an embarrassing line to say.” You giggled and the blush that bloomed on his face was instant and striking but before he could say a word, you pulled him into your embrace, resting your cheek against his chest. “As long as we’re together, huh?” You repeated quietly. “Then will you promise you’ll stay with me forever?”

“I promise.” Jaehyun’s smile was pressing against your hairline. “Not even death can separate us.”

You wake up with a cold sweat, your heart thrumming so loudly, it makes you feel nauseous. Donghyuck shifts around in bed at the sound of you gasping for air, sleepily asking what’s wrong as he rubs his eyes.

“I’m fine,” you tremulously utter, a hand on your chest as if it could do something to steady your racing heart. “Go back to sleep.”

Donghyuck sends you another look with eyes barely opened. “Come here.” He tugs you closer to his chest, his nose grazing the crook of your neck. “It’s just a nightmare,” he murmurs drowsily against your skin, and in a matter of seconds, he drifts back to sleep.

“Yeah…” You swallow your breath, Jaehyun’s name resting on the tip of your tongue. “Just a nightmare…”

One that feels too real.

***

Weeks turn into months, and what started as curiosity becomes affection.

Reading books has turned into nothing but an excuse for both of you to spend time together. What started as stealing secret glances at each other has morphed into an exchange of secret whispers in a secluded corner. The questions have become more personal too, and you find yourself talking about childhood memories and nonsensical ideas that show up in your thoughts, even the ones you have never shared with anyone else, not even to Donghyuck who lends his arm for you at night.

It’s only the dreams that you keep quiet about, as they always revolve around him since the first day you met Jaehyun. You’re not sure why, maybe it’s a way of your subconscious trying to tell you that you have feelings for him—feelings that aren’t meant to be shared with friends—as the dreams tend to play romantically. And you can’t deny that you do feel something about him.

It’s hard not to feel anything when Jaehyun has given you everything you’ve ever asked from a person. From a friend. From a lover.

But it’s not love. Definitely not love. At least not in the way you know of. In your mind, love is in the form of hugs you share with Donghyuck, not in the way Jaehyun lands his eyes on yours. Love is—

Your head swirls. What is love?

The concept of love is so complex that even if you know about it, you’re not sure if you understand it enough to experience it. You have never talked about love, not with your boyfriend, not with yourself. Is it something that you’ve already felt once? Are you in love with Donghyuck—the man you’ve spent the last two years together?

What does he think of me? You start to lose focus, sinking into your thoughts and the soft music playing in the background feels like a lullaby. Does Hyuck love me?

Before long, you feel your eyelids grow heavy. You fall asleep with your arms folded on the table, cheek pressing against them.

You’re dreaming. You’re dreaming of a hand, so warm and tender as it brushes stray hairs from your temple. You’re dreaming of a voice, so familiar to your ears, so quiet and heartbroken as it resonates in whispers. You’re dreaming of a pair of lips, so soft and light as they press against your strands.

“It’s okay if you don’t remember me. It’s okay, so please…” Slender fingers curl around your wrist, bringing it to frame a face with skin as soft as porcelain. “Just come back to me…”

You wake up.

Jaehyun is sitting on the other side of the table, pen tapping against his lips as he reads back his work, eyebrows furrowing in concentration. He notices the little shift in your movement, immediately beaming at you with his signature smile. “Hey there, Sleepyhead.”

You rub your eyes before sitting straight on your seat, your hair’s astray. “What—How did I—” A coat is slipping through your shoulders and you catch it before it meets the ground. It’s Jaehyun’s. “Umm—t-thanks,” you mumble, handing it back to him.

“Sure,” he responds. “You were shivering so…”

“Oh… Right.” You certainly don’t feel cold now especially when your cheeks feel like they’re on fire. “W-what time is it?”

“Around eight. The place’s about to close.” Jaehyun takes a sip of his drink, grinning at your behavior. “You were sleeping so soundly, I didn’t have the heart to wake you.”

“Yeah, well, you should’ve. My boyfriend's gonna interrogate me for this.” You sigh, trying to gather back every bit of your strength and dignity. “Why are you still here?”

He raises an eyebrow at that, acting offended. “You don’t actually think that I’m the type of guy who leaves pretty girls sleeping defenselessly in public, do you?”

The word ‘pretty’ comes so effortlessly from his mouth that you’re sure he doesn’t mean it to mean something more. “There’s literally no one else around here but the staff besides us.”

“Which should be the more reason why I shouldn’t have left you alone.”

You scoff, shaking your head in amusement. “Yes, yes, how chivalrous of you. Thank you, oh my mighty prince. How can I return the favor?”

“By coming here again tomorrow?”

The way his eyes shine with excitement at the thought of seeing you again makes your heart flutter. “I don’t think you need to ask,” you grin.

***

Jaehyun knows you. He knows you too well. But it’s not the things that can be seen, it’s the things that you can only know by spending time together. Jaehyun knows the type of music you listen to, knows that whenever it gets too cold, you’ll start craving a cup of hot chocolate.

It’s strange, the fact that Jaehyun, a stranger you just befriended, pays attention with all his heart, even at the words that accidentally slipped off your tongue as if you’re the only person who matters in the world, while Donghyuck, your boyfriend, barely bats an eyelash when you share an important aspect of your life. It feels strange at first, but now, it sickens you.

“What’s this?” You ask, examining a CD case he just hands over. “Are you giving me a mix-tape?” It doesn’t have a cover, just a note painted with the words: When we die, we will turn into songs, and we will hear each other and remember each other. You have your eyebrow raised. “A quote by Rob Sheffield?”

“It’s a hint for my story. As promised.” He takes a seat in front of you. “Have you worked on it?”

“When you’re only giving me this quote as a hint and nothing more, it’s kinda hard to come up with something tragic for the ending.”

“I thought you had a very creative imagination.”

You throw a playful glare and he titters a little bit in response. “Is there any other reason why you’re giving me this?”

“Just something to keep you company.” He smiles. He always smiles, but more with his eyes than his lips. Then he slides down another thing—a book this time—wrapped with a red ribbon. “As you read this.”

It’s an old book written by your favorite author, one that you haven’t been able to read because it’s so rare to find. “How do you—” You’re lost for words. You have never told him about this. You’ve mentioned your favorite books but none from this author as it is something personal that you prefer to keep to yourself, not wanting others to judge you for your distinctive taste.

“It’s written by my favorite author,” he elaborates, “I just thought you’d like it too since we have similar taste.”

There’s something he’s not telling you, you can sense that. But if he’s not ready to provide the words, you won’t take them away by force.

“Thank you.” You hug the book to your chest. Somehow, the air feels like spring, like cherry blossoms blooming for the first time after being frozen for so long. “I’ll cherish this.”

“It’s just a book, don’t be dramatic,” he chuckles but happiness is written all over his face, mirroring yours. Jaehyun’s eyes soften and he appears so fragile, like a porcelain doll. So beautiful and vulnerable.

The songs he has compiled for you seem like they’re taken straight out of your playlist. Even for the songs you’ve never listened to before, they click right in. You’re so caught by the moment, drowned deep in the lyrics and the music that resonates from your speakers, that you don’t hear the sounds of your boyfriend stepping into the room.

“I thought I heard noises. What are you listening to?” Donghyuck asks, leaning over your shoulder to peek at the empty CD case you’ve been holding on your lap.

“A friend gave me,” you answer. You notice the way his eyes dart to the handwritten note and it makes you nervous as if you’re doing something wrong behind his back, something forbidden.

“What a thoughtful friend,” he comments nonchalantly, albeit a little bit cold. You mask your anxiety with a chuckle. “Maybe you can tell your friend that there’s this thing called Spotify nowadays. Literally no one listens to CDs anymore.”

Your tongue lays heavy in your mouth, and maybe it’s better to leave things the way it is but you can’t stop yourself from bitterly saying, “I happen to like listening to CDs. It makes me feel nostalgic.”

“You and your nostalgia.” Donghyuck snorts, completely missed the annoyed tone in your voice. He places a peck on the top of your head. “Well, I’m hungry. What do you want to have for dinner? I’ll cook."

“There’s a new Chinese restaurant opening just a block away,” Jaehyun said on a Sunday evening when you two were about to part ways. “They got amazing reviews. Do you have some time to spare? I know how much you love Chinese food.”

“I never told you I loved Chinese food.”

“Everybody loves Chinese food, it’s not that hard to guess.”

“Fine. But if you can guess what I’m about to order, I’ll start filing a restraining order against you, assuming you’re a stalker.”

“Well, I gotta be careful not to get caught then.”

“Baby?” Donghyuck snaps you out of your reverie. “I’m asking what you wanna have for dinner.”

“Umm…” You push a loose strand of your hair behind your ear, somewhat jittery. “Chinese food?”

He frowns upon your words. “I didn’t know you liked Chinese food.”

“I-it’s just something I haven’t eaten in a while.”

“Well, I’m going to cook you something better.” He grins, boyish and ignorant. “How about your favorite Spaghetti Aglio e Olio by Chef Lee Donghyuck?”

You smile, weak but hopefully not empty. “That would be nice.”

***

“You’re okay?” Jaehyun asks the second you take a seat in front of him. He seems so concerned that it surprises you. You haven’t realized you look that troubled.

“I’m fine,” you assure him with a smile. “Just… You know, boyfriend stuff.”

You can tell how Jaehyun is holding back his words from how tightly he keeps his lips pressed together. He’s always considerate like that, always detecting every little thing that you try to hide but never pressures you to speak, especially when it comes to your relationship. Jaehyun respects you, respects the fact that you are already involved with someone that he never tries to get you to look in his direction. Though his eyes often betray him, Jaehyun tries his best to maintain his distance. He never flirts, never praises you with romantic words, never steps out of line.

And you’re thankful for that because deep down you know, once he does, it will be hard to untangle yourself from his grasp.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“I’d rather not.”

“Then...” Jaehyun closes his book, leaning closer. His dimples are so prominent when he grins, eyes turning into a beautiful pair of crescents. “How about we go try out some dumplings?”

It’s so sudden and random but once the idea sinks in, there’s only one thing you want to say. “Take me away, Jaehyun.”

It’s not about the food. It’s not about ignoring your problems, or the loneliness that’s drowning you a little bit more every day. It’s about enjoying the little things with someone who understands you, someone who doesn’t need to hold your hand to keep you warm.

Someone who can finally let you breathe.

***

“I can’t believe it’s closed early,” you whine after you read the sign that’s strapped to the library’s front door. “And I was so excited to read the next chapter too.”

“What’s the book?” Jaehyun asks, adjusting the strap of his bag that hangs low on his shoulder.

“No Longer Human.”

“By Osamu Dazai?”

“Yep.”

“I’ve got a copy of that.”

“What, really?” The spark of glee that glimmer in your eyes catches him by surprise but he hides it behind a soft smile. “Can I borrow it? It’s such an old book, I can’t even find the e-book version of it.”

“Sure. Would you like to come over to my place?” The line makes your breath hitched in your throat and Jaehyun recognizes the faint blush that spreads on your cheeks. Mirroring your reaction, he hastily clears his throat, rubbing his nape as his face turns scarlet. “Or, uhh, I can just hand it over to you tomorrow.”

“No, it’s—” As you tuck your hair behind your ear, you notice your fingers are shaking. “I have—I’ve got time to spare. You have coffee at your place, right?”

His shoulders begin to relax and with a soft gaze, he reciprocates with an even tender smile. “If you’re alright with instant coffees.”

“Then lead the way.”

Jaehyun has this mature persona around him, like a caring big brother that calms you down but the second you arrive in his hallway, he fumbles with his words, his key slipping out of his fingers during his first try, and his nervousness starts to rub off on you.

It makes you wonder whether he’s feeling like he’s crossing the line, just as much as you are with Donghyuck’s name sitting on the front of your mind.

“Come in,” he invites, opening the door but keeping his eyes anywhere else but yours. “I hope you don’t mind the mess.”

His apartment smells just like him and it makes it hard for you to focus on anything else. But the second you’re able to sort that thought away, you realize something. He keeps his place minimalist and neat, just like the way he dresses and writes. Everything is organized properly with two paintings decorating his walls—ones that remind you of your grandmother’s house. “You really do have an old soul,” you playfully comment and he scrunches his nose at you in return.

It feels more familiar to step into Jaehyun’s apartment than your own because he has everything that you wanted and more. All the books sitting on his shelf, his collection of CDs, even the potpourri he has on his coffee table has the same scent with the one you’re planning to buy.

“I know you said we have similar taste, but this…” You scan his bookshelf in awe, noticing how it almost covers his entire wall from how huge it is. He owns hundreds of books and everything is arranged alphabetically. “This is just taking it to another level. Are you sure you’re not my stalker?”

He simpers. “If I was, I wouldn’t have invited you here. Too much evidence.”

“Or maybe you’re just planning to keep me here with you forever.” When he doesn’t reply, you realize how wrong that line just sounded. “I’m sorry, was that a weird thing to say?”

“I didn’t hear anything.” Jaehyun waves you off, walking to the kitchen. “Coffee?”

“Yes, please.”

The tension gradually starts to ease by the time you have a book in your lap, your eyes running from one passage to another. Sitting next to you, Jaehyun has his pen glued to his notepad again, his brown hair nearly looks golden as the sunset illuminates his face with such a warm, beautiful glow.

He really does look like a painting, you admire as you steal glances at him from behind your book. The perfect shape of his nose, his smooth skin, the way he’s so focused on his story, drowned inside his imagination… Maybe you’re being carried away, taken by his beauty, that your mouth begins to produce the words without thinking.

“Why do you look so sad?”

Jaehyun’s pen nearly slips from his fingertips. “What?”

“Sometimes you just look... so lonely and hurt,” you clarify although you’re growing more conscious of the way you’re crossing the line. “It feels like you’re forcing yourself to smile when you look at me...”

Jaehyun loses the ability to speak, even just blinking his eyes already seems like a stretch. But he sees something, the genuine curiosity and concern written in your eyes, that makes him avert his gaze away. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he remarks, forcing himself to chuckle and you know that’s he’s showing you that smile again, even when you can barely make out his features.

You don’t know what’s gotten into you. Maybe you’re just tired of him keeping secrets to himself when you’re sure they concern you. Maybe you’re just sick of seeing him like he’s on the verge of breaking apart without knowing the cause. Or perhaps it’s just your selfish way of saying, “I want you to smile, truly smile, because of me and no one else.”

But you find yourself reaching out a hand, your fingertips meeting the warm skin of his cheek, wanting him to turn his face around so you can see his expression. Jaehyun jolts, your name tumbles down his lips abruptly, his hand clamping against your wrist. “What are you doing?” His eyes are shaking as they bore deep into yours but yours are steady. Your eyes, your voice, your fingertips. They’ve never been this steady.

This is the first time you’ve been this close to him, to know how long his eyelashes really are, the way they flutter against his cheeks, the curve of his mouth, and the beauty mark on his pale skin. He’s possibly the most beautiful man you’ve ever witnessed in person.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to suddenly touch you like that.” You try to retract your hand, but he keeps his fingers around your wrist, hand hanging mid-air as he swallows his breath. Seeing him nervous makes you nervous. “Jaehyun, I won’t force you to say anything you don’t want to say, but…” You haven’t realized that you’ve been speaking in whispers, but Jaehyun has and his eyes soften just as much as yours do. “Please don’t pretend, not when you’re with me.”

Whether it’s from your words or the tenderness in your voice, you’re not sure, but Jaehyun releases your hand only so he can cup your cheek. He murmurs your name, so soft as if he’s telling a secret that he’s been dying to say. He leans forward, his breath is now fanning your cheek, and he’s so close, so close, and your eyes begin to shut when his lips faintly graze against yours—

The ringing sound of your phone blares through the room.

Your entire movement stops but your heart runs a thousand miles per hour. It takes a good few seconds to come back to reality, and when you do, you’re not graceful at it. “Umm—” You glance away, breaking free from his touch. Your fingers are trembling hard when they retrieve your phone from the table. It has stopped ringing and a notification appears on your screen. The sight of your boyfriend’s name makes you feel like the floor is crumbling underneath you. “Sorry, it’s Donghyuck—I have to—It’s getting late, he must be looking for me.” Too embarrassed to see his face, you quickly gather your belongings into your arms, not even spending a few seconds to wear your coat back. “Thank you for inviting me. I have to go. I’ll see you tomorrow?” And you don’t wait for an answer, only forcing yourself to laugh which comes out as strained and pitchy, before you head toward the front door.

“Wait.” Jaehyun has his right hand pressing against the back of the door, shutting it close before you have the chance to let yourself out. You’re trapped between the door and his chest, making it harder for you to breathe. “Can you look at me?” He firmly orders but promptly adds a soft, “Please,” when you’re not brave enough to respond to him.

You turn around, hugging your purse and your coat to your chest, facing him but not meeting his eyes. You can feel him analyzing your expression, feel how heavy his gaze is on your face. He bends down slightly, hand reaching out to frame your face like before but you flinch, eyes shutting tightly before he can make any contact.

You can’t see the look on his face as you are too frightened to do so, but you can tell how much you hurt him by the sound of his voice. “You forgot your book,” he states, handing a copy of Osamu Dazai’s No Longer Human.

“O-oh, right.” You sound so nervous, so afraid, and you don’t know why. “It’s okay. I won’t be able to read at home anyway—”

“I want you to have it.” It’s the first time he loses the warmth in his voice when he speaks and if you’re not too clouded by your thoughts, if you weren’t so selfish, you would’ve tried your best to fix the situation. But not right now. Right now, you just want to disappear. You want to run back home, run into Donghyuck’s arms like how you’re supposed to be.

Because this is wrong. This isn’t supposed to happen. Not when you have another man waiting for your return.

You take the book from his hand, noticing how your fingers brush his and how they stay that way for a little too long, but Jaehyun doesn’t say anything. “I’m sorry,” you mumble out, tears begin to prickle at the corner of your eyes and you’re still not sure why you’re on the verge of crying.

“Don’t be. It was my fault.” He notices your emotions, he always does, and it breaks you apart to know how much you’re breaking him right now. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

“Nothing happened,” you convince him, shaking your head and will your tears to go away before they fall down your cheeks. “We didn’t do anything.”

Jaehyun’s fingers curls, nails sinking into his palms as he tries his best to mask what he’s feeling. “You’re right,” he quietly repeats, “Nothing happened.”

***

“Where have you been?”

Your keys slip through your fingers at the sound of Donghyuck’s voice and you’re petrified, millions of thoughts running through your head as you try to come up with an excuse.

But why? Why do you have to come up with an excuse? “Nothing happened. We didn’t do anything.” Isn’t that what you said?

“Babe?”

You jump back a couple of steps when Donghyuck walks into your personal space with a frown breaking on his temple. He furrows his eyebrows deeper at your reaction. “You okay? You look kinda pale.”

“Yeah, umm—” You adjust the collar of your turtleneck shirt, suddenly feeling like you’re being choked. “It’s fine—I’m fine. I just had a long day at work.”

“Why didn’t you text me? I could’ve swung by to pick you up.”

You force yourself to smile at his offer. “Thank you. It’s okay, really. Were you waiting for me?”

“Well yeah, I wanted to eat dinner together. It’s been a while since we did that and I wanted to make it up to you.” He cutely pouts and you’re reminded of the reason why you’re so trapped under his spell. “Text me next time when you’re about to come home late so I don’t have to wait for you.”

There it is. It strikes again. The feeling of loneliness. Curling your fingers at the hem of your shirt, you weakly reply with, “I’m sorry.”

Because out of the millions of thoughts that run through your head, that’s the only thing you have the bravery to say out loud.

***

“Hyuck?” You call out, carding your fingers through his soft locks. Donghyuck has his head on your lap with his legs sprawled out, taking most of the couch. His eyes are glued to the screen of his Nintendo Switch, thumb moving frantically to land a new high score. “I think we need to talk.”

Donghyuck doesn't respond right away. After a few relentless movements of his thumbs, he shouts, “Fuck, not again! Goddamn, I gotta restart all over again.” You can see him renewing the game, picking a different character. “What do you want to talk about?”

“I just…” You’re nervous, feeling more so than the pain that swells in your chest from not being taken seriously. “It feels like we haven’t been spending time with each other. Properly, I mean.”

“We’re spending time together now, aren’t we?” He hisses when his character takes another damage from his opponent. “What, do you want to watch a movie or something?”

I want us to talk. I want us to laugh. I want us to listen to each other like we used to. “I’m not in the mood for movies right now.”

After taking another shot, Donghyuck groans. “Fuck this stupid game,” he grumbles, throwing his device to the coffee table. “You know what’s annoying? The fact that I could land a perfect high score when I was drunk as fuck but now, I can’t even get into top three!”

Your patience is growing thin, but even then, you can’t find the strength to confront him properly. “Hyuck…”

“Right, sorry.” He heaves a sigh, rubbing his head as he sits straight up, facing you properly. “What is it? Is there something wrong?”

You meet his gaze and you realize how rarely you stand in this position, with him looking directly at your face with concern in his eyes. Now that he’s paying you full attention, your vocabulary turns into a blank slate. Your lips are parted but your voice is nowhere to be found, as it is hidden by the fear of speaking beyond control once you let your emotions run loose.

“I…” You begin, clearing your throat to sound less anxious. “Are you happy with me?”

He knits his eyebrows together. “Of course, I’m happy. What are you talking about? Have I done something to upset you?”

“No, it’s…” Your hands lay rigid on your lap, fingers tightening around each other. You weakly smile. “Nothing. I guess I just had some weird thoughts popping in my head.”

“Look, I promise you I’ll do the laundry this weekend,” he confidently convinces you, as if that was the problem you’re currently facing. He pokes you on the nose, grinning boyishly. “Stop acting so weird, you’re creeping me out. What else are you thinking about? If it’s sex you want, you just gotta ask. You know I’m down with it anytime you want.”

“Yeah, of course…” You can force yourself to laugh but every sound you make feels like a knife piercing against your heart. “Sorry, I was just being stupid. You can ignore me.”

“I won’t ignore you, how can I do that? Not when you’re this cute.” He giggles, pressing a kiss to your forehead. But his affection does not make the butterflies in your stomach come alive. It makes hot tears threatening to appear in your eyes. “I like your sweater,” Donghyuck coos, “Is it new?”

No, this is my third time wearing it in front of you. “Yes. I’m glad you noticed.”

“I always notice everything about you.” He ruffles your hair as he stands up, stretching out his arms above his head. “Is there anything else you’d like to talk about? ‘Cause I’m dead tired.”

“No. Thank you for listening.”

“Anytime, babe.” He bends his head down to kiss you fully on the mouth, tongue running along your lower lip just to tease like usual. When he pulls away, he has his juvenile grin intact. “Well, I’m going to bed. If I wake up late tomorrow, you can re-heat the food. I’ve stored everything in the fridge.”

Donghyuck disappears behind the door before you can finish saying good night.

***

The sun’s about to set… He must have been there already.

It has been two days since you last saw Jaehyun. You know you’re not being fair avoiding him like this, but you don’t know what else to do. You’re not brave enough to face him after that. Have you been giving him signs? Was it your fault, was it the expression you made, was it the words you spoke, that made him lean towards you, asking for a kiss that you were more than eager to give?

“Hey, babe,” Lee Donghyuck chirps against your ear, arms finding their way to circle your waist, pulling you to his lap. “What are you doing?”

You’re successful at hiding your surprise but knowing it’s Donghyuck, anything will probably pass by without him realizing. Even when you have spent the last fifteen minutes reading the same paragraph in your book over and over again as your thoughts drift somewhere else.

You have a boyfriend and it’s not Jaehyun. Donghyuck is everything to you now, isn’t he? Yet, if you hadn’t been interrupted by that phone call, you were sure you would’ve yielded to Jaehyun’s touch.

“Nothing happened. We didn’t do anything.”

You’re disgusted with yourself.

You throw a glance to the side, your nose nearly brushing his as Donghyuck settles his chin on your shoulder. Unlike Jaehyun who has a fresh, masculine scent, Donghyuck smells like summer and lilacs under the sun. It’s comforting and sweet, yet even after two years, it stills feels somewhat unfamiliar to you.

“Reading a book.” You shiver when he pushes your hair away, placing a lazy wet kiss on your nape, lips parted and tongue pressing against the skin. “Hyuck…”

“It’s okay, keep reading.” Whenever his mouth makes contact with your skin, he adds a hum or a moan to make sure you know that despite his words, he’s not giving you the chance to continue. “You want us to spend more time together, don’t you?”

You deeply exhale, staring lifelessly at the ceiling, sensitive skin being caressed but none of his touches pumps desire through your veins. Since when did I stop wanting him this way? You wonder, feeling guilty when Jaehyun’s face appears in the corner of your mind once more.

“Baby,” Donghyuck murmurs seductively against the skin, thin fingers slipping underneath the hem of your shirt, trailing over your navel. “Hasn’t it been a while since we last did it?”

“It’s only been a week.”

“And that’s a week too long. I want you.” He strokes your cheek, guiding you to meet his eyes. “Can I touch you?”

It’s a rhetorical question since you both know you can’t say no when he demands something from you. “Of course.”

Donghyuck’s lips still taste the same, feel the same as they suck bruises on your delicate skin but the sparks are no longer there. He used to make you squirm with excitement, body begging under temptation. Sex used to be an adventure, a way for him to make you lose your mind, to have you gasping his name between moans, nails clawing against his back, thighs trembling under his fingertips.

Right now, sex is just… another glue to keep your relationship in place.

Clothes are discarded on the floor, and Donghyuck is sitting with you on his lap, his spine pressed against the couch, nails digging into your hips as he brings you down to take him inch-by-inch. He hisses when he feels you engulfing him with your warmth, head thrown back with lips parted in a blissful moan.

“No matter how much we’ve done it,” he chuckles, eyes glazed with lust. “I can never get enough of the way you’re taking me so well, baby.” Donghyuck is a very passionate lover and his lips love to praise, both by words and kisses. The way he calls your name, the way he whispers, “You feel so good around me,” often makes you wonder whether there would be any other man who will desire you this much. But is it love? Does he love you?

Do you love him?

You’re not sure. You don’t know yet. But you know he plays a huge part in your life. Donghyuck once added a spectrum of colors into your previously dull, monochromatic life. You care about him, think about him more than you should, even putting his needs and priorities above yours.

If that’s not love, then what is it?

“Donghyuck…” You flinch when he rocks his hips up, a bit too rough and forceful as he’s getting impatient with the pace you’re going. “I—I think I love you.”

It surprises you that these words can leave your lips but you don’t regret it. It’s the right thing to do, saying these words to him. It’s only natural after the amount of time you’ve spent with him. It’s a way to bridge the gap between you and him, to reignite the flame, to bring laughter back into your life.

To fix the mistake you just made two days ago.

But maybe his thoughts are too clouded with lust, maybe your words are too quiet for him to hear, or maybe you haven’t said the words at all and everything is just playing inside your imagination but no matter what the reason is, Donghyuck doesn’t answer. The words that escape his lips are obscene, a sign that he’s about to finish and you let him pull you closer to his chest, let him sink his face in the crook of your neck, let him groan and release everything inside because that’s what you’re supposed to do.

“Did you get to come?” He asks, breathless and flushed when he’s finished. His bangs are glued to his temple, sun-kissed skin glistening with sweat and when he strokes your cheekbone with his fingers, they tremble from the pleasure that washed through his body.

“Yes.” You didn’t. You haven’t in a while. It’s not because you didn’t enjoy it. Donghyuck still moved in the way you wanted him to—in the way that used to untie the knots in your stomach, almost making you cry from how good it was. But you’ve begun to realize that there was a part of you missing and Donghyuck isn’t the right piece to complete the puzzle.

Jaehyun.

The dread of having another man’s name running through your head is so much, it almost makes you vomit your insides.

“Hyuck.”

“Yes, baby?”

“I said I love you.”

There’s no going around it this time. You’ve said the words, you’ve pronounced them loud and clear but when Donghyuck still doesn’t say anything, you wish the earth could swallow you whole. “Can you… say something, please…?”

“Baby,” he sighs, fingers framing your face so gently, it hurts you. “Please don’t take this the wrong way. It’s not that I don’t love you but—”

You’re stunned, shocked to your core at the incoming rejection but… that’s it.

You don’t feel anything. How can you not feel anything? You don’t feel hurt, you’re not disappointed, you’re just…

Relieved.

“Baby, are you listening?” Donghyuck calls again, grabbing you by your chin so he can peer into your eyes. “I like you. I really do like you. I like you so much but love is such a big word and for me to be committed that way is just… I don’t know, I haven’t figured out my feelings yet. I don’t even understand what love is. I just—I need more time.”

You’re lost for words. How can you tell him? How can you say that you’re so relieved he doesn’t love you back? How can you tell him that his action does not break you apart, but only makes you realize that you’ve just been forcing yourself to stay with him because it feels like it’s the right thing to do?

What if you’re just staying with him because you’re so afraid of being alone, not knowing that loneliness is the only thing he can offer you in return?

“I understand,” you quietly reply, climbing off his lap. Your knees wobble slightly under your weight as your mind travels somewhere else. You gather your clothes into your arms, placing them back on your body.

Donghyuck frowns at your reaction, calling your name as he stands up and pulls his jeans back to place. “Look, I don’t want to hurt you by saying it when I still don’t truly mean it the way you do.”

You can’t look at him, can’t meet his eyes when you can’t even understand how you feel. “I get it, Hyuck, it’s fine.”

But maybe Donghyuck is taking it the wrong way because his voice is laced with both exhaustion and desperation to make this feel any less terrible. “Babe, can we just talk—”

“I said, I’m fine!” You turn around to face him, head dizzy and heart palpitating. It scares you. It scares you that after all this time thinking Donghyuck was the one for you—all the things you’ve done, all the memories you’ve shared—you still don’t understand your feelings for him. You loved him once, you’re sure you loved him once. But is it love if the feeling isn’t eternal? Can you call it love when it fleets by so fast, disappearing without a trace as if it’s never existed in the first place?

To think that these two years you have spent with him would amount to nothing...

You take a deep breath, wishing your body and voice to stop shaking. When you look him in the eyes, there’s nothing but certainty written in your eyes. “You’re right, we need to talk.”

Donghyuck walks to your spot, hand resting against your waist, another one framing your cheek. “Please don’t be mad,” he whispers, and for the first time in the last few months, he does look sorry. “I’m happy to hear you say those words, I really do, but—”

“I want to break up.”

He freezes, jaw dropping low. “What?”

“I want to break up with you, Donghyuck.”

“What—why—” His eyebrows are sewn together, and you take his hand away from your face, breaking free from his hold. “You’re breaking up with me because I can’t say I love you too?”

“No.” You exhale. “I’m breaking up with you because I feel fine with you not saying it back.”

He stands in silence, then his forced chuckles fill the air. “Babe, what are you talking about—”

“Are you happy with me?” The tremble in your voice has receded. “Be honest. Are you truly happy with me? Or are you just going along with everything because you’re so comfortable—so used to the situation of being with me—that you start to think as long as I’m not hurt, it’s fine. As long as I’m not alone, I can keep going with this relationship, even when I’m with someone who doesn’t truly understand me. Or accept the real me.”

Donghyuck releases the breath he doesn’t know he’s been holding. His voice is a pitch lower when he speaks, bitter and hurt. “Is that how you feel? All this time when we’re together?”

“No.” Your heart still breaks at the sight of his face. “I think I really did love you once, Hyuck. And if you had rejected me a few months earlier, I would’ve probably broken down crying. But now…” You grow stiff, noticing the infuriated look that’s plastered on his face. “I’m sorry.”

Donghyuck stays mute and the silence only adds more tension to the atmosphere. His teeth are grinding against each other when he replies. “Why did you even say you loved me if you weren’t fucking sure about how you felt?”

You twist your finger in the hemline of your shirt, in dire need of something to keep your emotions collected. “I thought it would make us grow closer again. To fix what’s lost between us,” you weakly admit, heart throbbing and breaking at the sight of him. “But then I realized that we shouldn’t say we love someone just because we have to. We should say it because we want to. Because we truly feel that way. But I didn’t feel anything when you didn’t say it back. I only felt… relieved.”

The enraged look on his face forces you to drag your eyes to your feet and you stay still, breathing as quietly as possible. It’s only when Donghyuck starts to reach for his jacket, muttering, “I’m not having any of these bullshits,” as he walks passes you that you dare to look in his direction.

“How easy for you to put this all on me,” he declares with his fingers lingering on the doorknob, so spitefully it shocks you. “You probably think I’m dumb and insensitive, but I know. I’ve noticed the way you changed ever since you met him.”

“What?” His words feel like a slap to the face. “I don’t—”

“You know,” he cynically laughs into the air, throwing his head back. “Just because you found someone who makes you happy ‘cause he can quote your favorite lines, read your favorite books or listen to the same shit you like, doesn’t mean you can throw me away like I’m some fucking garbage.”

You’re petrified by his words. Somewhere in your head, you keep saying that the reason why you’re breaking up with him is that you’re so different from each other—that there would be little to no chance for the two of you to understand one another even if you’re given all the time in the world. But you can’t deny that there’s a part of you that completely rejects Donghyuck simply because you’ve stopped wanting him as much as you want Jaehyun.

It sickens you.

“I’m…” It’s suffocating. The tension in the air, his eyes, the way your heartbeat is ramming against your ribcages. “I’m sorry...”

Your apology only aggravates him more and with gritted teeth, Donghyuck slams the door behind him, leaving you alone in the silence of your room.

Your apartment has never felt this big before.

***

It’s funny how you just ended your two years relationship with your boyfriend but Donghyuck isn’t the one you’ve been avoiding for months. It’s Jaehyun.

Something is gnawing at you from the inside, the feeling of guilt as if you just sinned. You didn’t cheat on your boyfriend. Physically, you didn’t. You’re attracted to Jaehyun, everybody would be to someone who owns such a handsome face and delicate features. But it’s more than just physical attraction because when you lay at night in your bed, alone and empty, it’s not his face that comes to mind. It’s the little thing he does, the way he listens to your words so attentively, the way he smiles—happy and sad at the same time, the way he greets you, the way he nibbles at his lower lip as he tries to think of a word to write on his note.

And the dreams.

The dreams never stop, they only grow stronger. You can remember each and every one of them crystal clear when you wake up. They’re usually different every night but for the last few days, the atmosphere and the surroundings were the same.

In the dream, you were lying down in a hospital bed, wearing nothing but your white gown, too weak to even lift a finger. Jaehyun was sitting on a wooden chair with a book in his hand—the one that he presented you as a gift in real life—while his other hand was holding yours, thumb tenderly gliding against your knuckles. He seemed much thinner, cheekbones growing prominent with dark eye-bags tainting his pale skin. But his smile was the same, just as warm, just as tender.

He was reading you a story, one that you had memorized by heart from how many times you’ve read it. But it’s different when he read the words out loud, voice melodious and soothing, like a mother’s lullaby. When it was over, he beamed at you, asking, “What’s your favorite part of the story?” And you opened your mouth but no words could come out. You were losing your voice, could only make croaking sounds and even that already put a strain on your body. You could see how much it broke him to hear you struggle but he waited patiently, hand squeezing yours tighter.

“Me too,” he responded after he heard your answer, kissing your knuckles. “I like that one too.”

In another dream, you saw him sitting at the edge of your bed, his mouth still formed that beautiful, delicate smile, but his eyes were as heavy as the storm. You asked him, why, what’s wrong, trying your best to let your voice break free from your mouth. He brushed his fingers against your cheek, pushing your hair out of your eyes. “I won’t let anything separates us,” he said and it felt more like a promise than how it sounded. “Not time, not death, nothing. I will always be with you.” He let his lips linger on your temple as he whispered the next words. “So it’s okay if you want to sleep. I won’t be going anywhere.”

Then… I’ll see you again when I wake up.

“Yes.” He leaned closer, letting his lips meet your chapped ones in a chaste kiss. “I’ll see you again when you wake up.”

But by the time you opened your eyes, heart thrumming loudly inside your chest, with the sound of the alarm in your phone muffled by your pillow, you knew that in the dream, once you go to sleep, you’d never be able to wake up.

I have to see him.

***

Three months have passed since you last saw him. It’s funny that despite how close you are to each other, know each other like the back of your hand, you just only realize now that you haven’t given him a way to contact you. No home address. No phone numbers. No social media. You’re not even sure what his last name was. You never needed to know his contact details before. Every day, an hour before the sun is replaced by the moon, you will meet each other here in this library—that was the unspoken promise between you and neither of you ever broke it. Not until now. The second you stop coming to the library, you disappear from his life as well, as easy as snapping your fingers.

The quickest way to see him is by visiting the library. Today you will see him. You just have to.

It’s raining hard, hard enough to drench you to your socks, painting shivers to each of your fingertips. It’s a Sunday evening, the sun is an hour away from setting behind the horizon. But with how heavy the rain is going, the day will turn into the night before the sun can shine its light through the clouds again.

Hesitation arises within you as you take shelter on the porch, your shivering fingers circling the doorknob to the library. He might not even be here in this kind of weather, you miserably think to yourself. It wasn’t raining when you took your leave half an hour earlier but you should’ve noticed how thick and dark the clouds were. Your thoughts were too jumbled that you didn’t even think about carrying an umbrella with you.

But you’re already here and if he still keeps his promise…

You take a step inside.

Your clothes are drenched but thankfully they’re not dripping water to the carpeted floor. It’s warmer inside, so warm that you feel like you’re home, sitting close to a fireplace, basking in the scent of sandalwood. Your eyes naturally scan the room, taking a longer glance at the table where you usually sit in front of him, a book in your hands, a smile strapped to your face. Jaehyun’s nowhere to be seen.

He’s not here. Is it because of the rain? Or… Maybe he has stopped coming here to see me.

You can only realize how important someone is to you when they’re gone and it hurts so much that you have to nip at your lower lip, fingers curling around the end of your sweater.

I want to see him again…

“You’re here…”

You turn your head to the source of his voice, heart about to burst when you see Jaehyun stopping on his tracks, one hand holding the entrance door open, another one carrying a folded umbrella that drips water to the floor. He’s so stunned at the sight of you, he doesn’t even appear to be breathing. In a whisper, your name breaks free from his lips.

And you run towards him with all your might.

He nearly stumbles from how hard you’re crushing your body against his, his umbrella falling from his grip but he doesn’t push you away. Jaehyun is warm, warmer than everything you’ve ever held and you wonder whether you’re just freezing from the cold or he’s always been this comforting. It feels so natural to stay in his embrace, to be wrapped with his strong arms, to have him whisper your name against the shell of your ear.

I’ve missed you. I’ve missed you so much.

Jaehyun...

The first tear that slips down your cheek is an accident, as you don’t want him to see you cry. You don’t even know why you’re crying but you can’t stop. You sob against his chest, fingers curling against the fabric of his knitted sweater, gritting your teeth to stop yourself from crying harder but failing every time.

Jaehyun never breaks away from your embrace. He does not care if people stare, does not listen to the murmurs being exchanged at the back of the room. He pulls you closer, one hand holding you around the waist and the other one stroking your damp hair. “I thought I’d never see you again,” he says, overwhelming you with his scent, his warmth, his voice, his everything and you still want more. His lips nearly brush against the tip of your ear when he whispers, “I’ve missed you.”

Your hands are now fisting the back of his sweater, pressing your cheek to his chest as you muffle your cry, focusing more on the sound of his heartbeat. It feels like a dream, one that you never want to wake up.

It’s only when you have the strength to pull away from him that he releases you. He swipes his thumb under your eye, erasing the stains of your tears. He looks at you in a way that is so different than the way Donghyuck used to. His gaze is softer, a mix between the feeling of relief for having you in his arms and a yearning to have more as if you’re still far away from his reach.

I want him to stare at me like this forever.

“You’re freezing,” he says, noticing the coldness of your cheek against his palm. “Would you like to come over to my place? I can make you something warm.”

You let out a tiny laugh. “That would be nice.”

***

Jaehyun’s sweater is too big that the hem falls to the middle of your thighs. Your clothes are in the dryer, making rumbling noise that’s loud enough to fill the awkward silence between you. Drying your hair with a towel he gave you, you take a seat next to him, careful enough not to invade his personal space too much.

“How are you feeling?” Jaehyun asks, handing you a cup of hot chocolate.

“Warmer now, thanks.” You wrap your fingers around the mug, seeing a cloud of steam erupting from your drink.

“It’s been a while since we last saw each other. I’m glad you look fine.”

“I am. I feel fine. More so than I’ve ever been.” And it’s not a lie. Being here with him, despite everything that happened, makes you feel at ease. He makes you feel as if you had been embarking on a trip for so long and now you’re finally home. “Were you, umm…” Were you planning to wait for me at the library? Have you been waiting for me all this time? Or was it just a mere coincidence that we bumped into each other again?

“Were I what?”

“Never mind.” You don’t have the bravery to do it. Flushed, you quickly take a sip of your drink.

“I was about to wait for you,” he suddenly confesses, nearly making you choke. “I was… worried about you. I kept wondering whether something bad happened.” His voice gradually turns into murmurs as he continues. “And I thought... After what happened... You hated me.”

The ticking sound of the clock echoes like thunder when silence hangs in the room. “I would never hate you, Jaehyun…” You’re unconsciously rubbing the edge of your mug with your thumb, eyes fixated on the glass instead of him. “There’s no way I could hate you.”

From the corner of your eyes, you could see him turning his head to face you. “Well, you stopped visiting for three months without leaving a word. It was hard for me to stay positive,” he says, a bit teasingly, “And I had no idea how to contact you either. I didn’t know what else to do but wait in the library every day until I could see you again. So that’s what I did.”

Blood is rushing to your face. He did wait for me. “I’m sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing?” He chuckles and you just realized how much you missed hearing it. “You don’t need to. I’m glad we can meet again.”

“Me too.” You mirror his smile. “You know, you could’ve just looked me up online.”

“Then, why didn’t you?” He asks and your heart stops. “Why didn’t you call me?”

You have to tell him the truth, you owe him that much. “I couldn’t. The way Donghyuck looked at me when I broke up with him made me feel so guilty and I knew I would hate myself even more if I ran back to you right after.”

“Why?” Jaehyun questions in a whisper. “What did you feel guilty for?”

Your heartbeat roars so thunderously loud, you can hear it in your ears. “Because he said the reason why I broke up with him was that… I had feelings for you.”

Jaehyun stays in silence for a few seconds and it drives you insane. Eventually, he leans forward to lay his cup down on the coffee table. “So…” He hesitantly speaks. “Did you tell him he was wrong about that?”

You tighten your hold around your cup. “I…” Taking a deep breath, you confess. “I didn’t.”

And there are so many things to be said, but none of you dares to speak. The silence is deafening, its invisible arms strangling you little by little and you’re trapped, not knowing whether to ask him to respond or just run away before your heart explodes to pieces.

Jaehyun does that look again where he stares at you like you own his heart, giving you the permission to hold it or crush it however you like. “Your hair is still dripping water,” he says, reaching out to place his hands around the towel and gently dab your strands, squeezing out the excess water and he’s so close, you can truly see the color of his eyes. In the soft, yellowish light of his room, they’re a little bit darker, a stark contrast to his pale skin. You’re distracted with the way his eyes shimmer under the light, the way he breathes so softly, warm breath hitting your lips.

And you don’t know who initiate it, but for the next breath you take, you’re gasping for it against his mouth. Jaehyun’s lips move slow against yours, tentative and patient, waiting for you to react. But he doesn’t have to wait, not when you’ve been wanting to do this for so long. Not when both of you have been wishing for it to happen.

If your mind wasn’t too deluded with the thoughts of him, how he feels against your body, how he tastes on your tongue, how the low grunt and moan that escape from the back of his throat successfully send shivers down your spine, you would’ve probably thought about how different he was compared to Donghyuck. Jaehyun was so tender, cradling your figure so gently as if you were about to break into pieces if he moves too fast. His kisses aren’t as rushed and bruising as Donghyuck’s, but they’re deep and just as passionate, if not more. The effects that his lips have on your skin burn stronger than anything you’ve ever felt. And if you thought Donghyuck reminded you of the sun, Jaehyun was the blazing sun himself.

But you couldn’t think of Donghyuck. You can’t think of anything else but Jaehyun. Right now, he’s the only one that matters.

“Push me away anytime you want,” he says, eyes dark and hazy, as he circles a hand around your waist to press your body flat against his chest.

With one hand fisting his collar, you let your lips taste him once more. “I never want you to.”

Your soft gasp is muffled by the skin of his neck when Jaehyun lifts your body off the couch, and you tangle your legs around his waist for support as he carries you toward his bedroom. Despite the growing, overwhelming passion between you, he lies you down so gently on the bed, hovering above you as he paints your name at the skin below your ear. You let out a sigh, pulling him closer and closer until you can sink completely into his warmth.

No words are being exchanged because they don’t need to. Jaehyun speaks with his eyes, expresses his feelings with his lips, and carves your body with nothing but affection and adoration with his gentle hands. It amazes you how different sex can feel when there are feelings involved. It’s a connection, not just between your body and his but your mind, your soul, and every bit of your heart.

You’re more sensitive to his touch that even the slightest slide of his finger can make you arch your back. Jaehyun swallows every gasp, every moan of his name that tumbles down your lips and you do just the same with his.

He only stops to give you the chance to catch your breath when he’s fully sheathed inside you. His fingers tremble as they caress your face. “Are you okay?” He asks, sounding breathless and hoarse. He looks even more beautiful like this, skin glistening with sweat, lips bruised and swollen by kisses, pale cheeks reddening at the feeling of you peering into his eyes.

You smile, gaze softening. “I’m fine.”

Jaehyun has never looked so content before, so relieved, so happy and it makes you feel something in your stomach—something that you haven’t felt for months—to know that you’re the reason behind his most genuine, beautiful smile. When he whispers, “You don’t know how long I’ve been waiting for you to come back to me,” into your ear, you know that he’s not talking about the time you were absent from the library. His words have more weight to them as if he’s been waiting for you for years as if you once belonged to him before something separated the strings between you.

“I’m going to move, okay?” Jaehyun murmurs against your lips, and you let out a shaky breath, nodding a little.

He takes it slow, waiting for you to adjust to his rhythm as he keeps his eyes on your expression to make sure he’s not hurting you in any way. His eyes are half-lidded, cheeks flushed, lips parted in a small moan, barely audible. He splays one hand on the inner part of your thigh, fingers pressing hard against the supple skin as he pins it down to the bed, spreading your legs wider so he can press himself deeper inside you.

“You’re beautiful,” he whispers against your jawline. “So beautiful…”

You nibble at your lip, circling your arms around his shoulders, raking your nails down his back as he picks up the pace. He’s perfect, he’s so perfect at everything he does—the sway of his hips, the angle, the way he changes from giving shallow to deep thrusts in accordance to your expression, knowing exactly what you need.

He kisses you every time you give him the chance and it makes everything a lot more intimate, makes you feel more vulnerable, makes you feel more exposed. “I’m in love with you,” he says, forehead pressing against your own. “I’ve always been… All this time…”

There’s a surge of joy washing through your entire body and it’s so intense, you find yourself hiding your face in the crook of his neck, your vision blurred with tears. How can you feel so complete when this is your first time with him?

“Jae—” You gasp, your thighs trembling as you wrap your legs around his hips, arms hugging his shoulders tighter. “Jaehyun, I’m—I’m close—”

At your words, Jaehyun untangles your arms from his body and sits on his heels. He takes a hold of your waist and slams his hips harder to yours, driving you to the edge until you’re left sobbing against the sheets. He pulls away on the last second to finish himself off, tainting your stomach as a low grunt breaks free from the back of his throat. His bangs are falling over his eyes, a bead of sweat rolling down from his chest to his lean stomach and he still looks like a painting, one that you can’t seem to stop admiring.

“Wait, don’t move,” he says as if you had the strength to do so. “I’ll clean you up.”

When he comes back from the bathroom, fully clothed in a white tee and black sweat pants, he takes care of you so attentively, dabbing warm towel along your skin, swatting the bangs out of your eyes. A gentle smile never leaves his face but he blushes whenever your eyes make eye contact, though not as apparent as the shakes on his fingertips.

“You’re so good at this,” you tease him, propping your elbows on the bed. “Must have a lot of experience with women, I’m sure.”

“I’ve only ever been with you,” he answers and it doesn’t sound like a lie.

“What?”

His movement stops, acknowledging the appalled look on your face. “There’s… something you need to know.” He slips under the comforter, lying down on his side, and makes sure it covers your body to your shoulders to keep you warm. “That day, when we first met… It wasn’t our first time meeting each other.”

“What do you mean?” Your eyebrows are adjoined in the middle. “When did we first meet then?”

Jaehyun falls quiet, eyes searching yours. “In the same library,” he says, “Seventy-four years ago.”

***

“Where are we?” The question leaves your lips as you scan your surroundings. Jaehyun has taken you somewhere you haven’t been before, a rural area in the foothills of Jiri Mountain. After spending more than three hours drive from Seoul, seeing nothing but never-ending roads and traffic signs, it feels refreshing to see a charming little village, blanketed in a snow of white and soft pink, with the sound of water streams soothing your ears and cold wind of April caressing your cheeks.

“Hwagae,” he claims, his hand never leaving yours as he walks next to you, taking shorter strides to match your step. “People usually think that Jinhae is the best place to see cherry blossoms, but for me, it’s here.” He glances at the way your fingers are intertwined with his, smiling timidly to himself. “But maybe due to personal reasons.”

“Well, you’re not lying…” You murmur in awe, eyes widening at the sight of cherry blossoms trees that line the road, following both sides of a turquoise-blue stream, pebbles whisked about in the under wash like pieces of glitter. “It’s beautiful.”

You can hardly pay attention to anything else so when Jaehyun presses a kiss against your hairline, your heart nearly leaps out of your chest. “It is, isn’t it?” He says, pushing some loose strands behind your ear. “Beautiful.”

With his eyes locked with yours, it seems like he’s praising something else and you look away, cheeks heating up at his words. “How long does this road goes?”

“Around four kilometers.” Jaehyun follows your steps. “There are more than a thousand cherry blossom trees around. Locals call this lane the Marriage Road as it is said that lovers who walk hand-in-hand under the trees will get married and live happily ever after.”

He tightens his grips around your hand, and you can swear your palm is getting sweaty from how nervous you are. “You just can’t stop making me blush, can you?”

“I’m just stating out facts.” He chuckles and it’s even more beautiful than the whole scenery. He’s more beautiful than anything you’ve seen. But when he speaks, all trace of humor has dissipated. “You may not remember but... This was the place where I asked you to marry me.”

You have seen it coming but it still shocks you, nonetheless. It’s easier to treat him as a liar who’s telling superstitious stories and pointing things about you because he’s a stalker that knows more about you than he should. But the more he tells his stories, the more they feel like the truth and it’s not just a hunch. His stories are his versions of the dreams you’ve been having. The dreams that you’ve gotten ever since you first met him, and you never told anyone about that.

As you take a seat on the nearest bench, Jaehyun hands you his journal—the one he’s been using to write his novel. “I think it’s time for you to read the story.” But as you reach out to open it, he lays his hand on top of yours. “Before that,” he says, “Remember what I asked you? I want you to guess the ending for me.”

You’ve never thought about it, never imagined how the ending of his story would unravel. He has told you that it was about a pair of lovers meeting each other by fate and separated tragically by death, you knew that much. But anything could’ve separated them, whether it was because of sickness, accident, or simply because of old age, you could’ve guessed wrong. Yet, when your lips moved without thinking, providing answers that make your heart jolt, Jaehyun smiles and says, “Correct.” He then opens the book and gives you the chance to run your eyes through every passage. It’s written in a first-person narrative, allowing you to see through Jaehyun’s eyes as he unveils his story.

The female lead has your name.

Every line. Every word. Every description. They feel like deja vu and the tiny hairs at your nape begin to raise. Your fingertips tremble as they move to open new pages. These are memories. They truly happened in the past. As you read, you can feel your own coming back, little by little, and by the time you’re halfway through the story, you can guess the next part that’s about to happen or correct little details that may have slipped from his mind.

“They were lilies,” you say, fingers tracing his perfect handwriting. “Not white roses.”

“What?”

“The flowers you gave me on our first anniversary.”

Jaehyun takes a shaky breath, and when he chuckles it sounds like a peal of tiny laughter and a choked sob at the same time. “Is that so?” He weakly asks, fixing his gaze to his lap. “I’m sorry, I must have forgotten.”

But he remembers everything else, everything that matters, even the way he felt back then. You could tell the love he once experienced with you through his eyes, the longing he has suffered as he waits for you to remember him once more, and the agony of being separated from you.

It’s easier to cry than to breathe when the memories of your past life start to dawn on you but you provide your best effort to stay reserved. There are more you need to learn.

The reason why he visited the library was not because he lived nearby. He moved there so he could visit the library, as it was the first time he met you in the previous life. “I was hoping she would remember the place as it was something we both grew fond of,” Jaehyun wrote in his journal, “She always thought I had a passion for books. She was wrong. She was the one who taught me that stories could mean something more. That they could make you feel alive, make you feel something you’ve never experienced just by words. I’d like to believe that these stories were the ones who brought us together, so we could create our own and maybe then, we could inspire other people—to make them feel alive with our stories.

I waited for her every day, from one season to another. The memories I have of her have always been there with me ever since I could remember, but that did not guarantee hers would resurface. Maybe she was looking for me. Maybe she was not. Either way, I couldn’t give up. I would not give up.

And finally, one day, I saw her again. In the same library, with the same little smile she always had whenever she had her eyes fixated on her book. She appeared exactly the same as the first time I met her 74 years ago. I could not breathe, trapped between reaching out to her or just standing still in the distance, because when our eyes met for a brief second, she looked away.

She did not remember me.

I was crushed. Devastated. I was nothing but a stranger. Twenty-five years I had been searching for her and now that she stood before me, I lost the ability to speak. It took me another week until I could find the bravery within me. I tried my best to appear as nonchalant as possible, even when my heart was breaking, even when my hands were shaking. I sank my nails into my palms so I wouldn’t take her hand and pull her into my embrace. When she told me her name, I was shocked. Her last name was different but her first name was the same, and I wanted to laugh. Fate could be so cruel, letting her keep her name but not her memories.

But memories could be re-created, and I learned that none of her habits had changed. I might be a stranger, but to me, she was not. She was my wife and I wanted to hold her. I wanted to tell her I love her and hear her say the words back to me. I was ready to start over, to make her fall in love with me once more but before I could even begin, I learned that she had belonged to someone else.

And what killed me was that… She did not look happy with him.”

Your breathing stalls. Everything makes sense now. He’s been holding everything to himself. This was the secret he kept from you. And that time when he almost kissed you… What did you say to him?

“Please don’t pretend, not when you’re with me.”

That’s what he did. He stopped pretending.

And you pushed him away, treating both of your feelings and his like a mere high school crush when they were something deeper than anything you’ve ever had.

You place your lower lip between your teeth, nibbling at it until it grows white. He must have been so hurt, you realize, I’m the worst.

“Are you okay?” Jaehyun asks, reaching out to take your hand. “You don’t have to read it if you don’t want to.”

“No, I—” You shake your head, hoping the tears won’t fall. You give him a reassuring smile. “I want to. I need to remember.” Your smile doesn’t deceive him but he gives you the space you need, believing the honesty in your words.

Your marriage with him only lasted for four years before you passed away in your sleep, your weak lungs could no longer support your system, and through his story, you learned that Jaehyun followed you to the place he shouldn’t have. Because just a few minutes later after you took your final breath, he slit both of his wrists with a knife and hugged your body close to his chest, his blood drenching the white sheets underneath. His lips lingered against your hairline as he spoke, “I’ll see you again when you wake up.”

His neat handwriting starts to turn into dark splotches of ink as it is tainted by your tears. You’ve remembered. You’ve remembered everything. Everything that makes you happy and everything that hurts, you’re reliving each and every one of them.

“Why?” You sob, shoulders quivering as you try to keep your emotions contained. “Why did you do that? You could’ve lived for many more years. Could’ve found someone else.” You bury your face in your palms, voice muffled by your skin. “You could’ve been happy without me.”

You can’t see how he looks at you, can’t feel his touch as he’s nowhere near, but you hear him take his breath. “My mother used to say,” he says, “that two people who are meant to be would always find their way to each other, even in the afterlife.” Jaehyun moves and kneels on the ground in front of you, his hands prying yours away from your face and his smile has never looked this blissful. “That’s why,” he continues, voice so soft it’s almost as light as the wind. “If there’s a chance, no matter how little it is, for me to see you again I would gladly trade my eternity for it.”

There are emotions you can’t explain, ones that you can’t understand. Emotions that make you cry as if the world was ending but also ones that make you feel so blessed to be born into this world, to be able to see him again, to witness his beautiful smile, his beautiful soul, and the beautiful love he has for you.

“Why are you crying?” Jaehyun chuckles softly but the quiver in his voice betrays him. He strokes your cheek, drying your tears with the pad of his thumb.

Leaning into his touch, you sob against his palm, “I love you,” you confess, “I love you, Jaehyun. Even if my memories never came back, I’d still fall in love with you. Over and over again. I’m sorry you had to wait—”

Jaehyun abruptly stands on his knees, pulling you into his embrace. As your eyes widen in surprise, he buries his face in the crook of your neck, whispering, “If I had to wait a thousand years to be able to have this one moment with you, I’d gladly do it in a heartbeat.” His shoulders begin to shake and you wrap your arms around them, drenching the fabric of his shirt with your tears. “I love you too.”

There’s a voice inside your head that says, ah... so this is how it feels.

Love... is not so complex after all. It doesn’t have to be. It’s not something to be understood. It’s not something to be thought endlessly. It’s not a choice to be made.

It’s a feeling, and feelings are meant to be felt. And you realize that happiness does not only emerge when your love is answered with the same passion. Happiness is already there in your heart just by loving him. You love him. You just love him. Entirely. Infinitely.

So you kiss him with the biggest smile you can make, you pull him close with every strength that you have and you let him stay. In this life or another, you will let him stay.

And you will see him again when you wake up.

***

#jaehyun smut #jaehyun fluff #haechan smut #haechan fluff #jaehyun scenarios #haechan scenarios #jaehyun imagines #haechan imagines #jaehyun x reader #haechan x reader #nct imagines #nct scenarios #jaehyun timestamps #nct timestamps #nct smut #nct fluff #haechan timestamps #donghyuck smut #jaehyun drabbles #haechan drabbles #nct x reader #oh god this is the first time i'm writing a fic for jaehyun i hope i'm not ruining his characterization #and as a sunflower who wrote A LOT of haechan-centered fics it literally HURT ME to write haechan this way #haechan baby i love you you're perfect never change a thing #i'm sorry i had to ruin your character in this fic it was necessary for the plot #but you're not a jerk baby you're a doll!#esme i'm sorry if this sucks but i've tried my best and I hope you'll enjoy this just as much as I enjoyed writing this down!

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sestra-inestro · 3 years

Note

Pleaseeee can I request a Part2 of ‘you know and I know better’. Where Wanda says it’s okay for her and R to break up and then Nat finds R and R is devastated still because of Nat and they argue before R breaks down and tried to hard all hard but Natasha sees how badly hurt she is. This broke my heart please mend it

Heartbreak Hotel

A/N: So sorry this was so late dear reader. I think this was submitted right after I took a break. But here it is, it’s a little different than what you wanted. I also don’t ever react to cheating like this but I’m feeling mushy because I’m watching New Amsterdam. Thank you for this request.

Warning: mentions of suicidal thoughts or potential self harm/suicide, cheating, otherwise just possible typos: unedited.

Masterlist

Another relationship left hanging. You just couldn’t catch a break.

Wanda sat on the other side of the bed, facing away from you as she listened to your sniffling.

She just told you that she was still in love with Vision, despite them not being a thing for a while.

In a way, you knew they would always be meant for each other. Maybe you just wanted to be selfish for a little while, just to be happy for yourself, even if it was with another Avenger.

“I’m sorry, June.” Wanda said softly. “I just can’t help my feelings.”

You wiped your nose and nodded your head.

“At least you told me, I’m grateful for that.” You said back in a husky voice. You didn’t think your heart could handle another beating like the one Nat gave you. You told her that it was okay, and with hesitation pain in her chest, Wanda left.

She left you there on the bed to break down by yourself like you wanted.

You grip your hair and fall back onto the bed to let your pain overcome you so you can move on.

Wanda moves back into the compound once she is done with everything at your house. Her and Vision can finally be together and they don’t try to hide it from everyone else. Nat stares at them in the kitchen as they attempt to prime Visions cooking skills again, making an absolute mess. Nat frowns to herself, Wanda was acting the same way she is with Vision now with you only a few months ago when she saw you two on her jog. She deliberately avoided that track so you wouldn’t see her and so she wouldn’t have the see the very confident pda that she was witnessing right now.

Tony waltzes into the kitchen with a whistle and spring in his step and stops at the displace of disgusting cuteness that she was staring at.

“Um, what? When did this happen?” Tony asks, I interrupting them.

“Oh, well it kinda just did.” Wanda says, brushing a strand of hair out of her face.

“Weren’t you with June?” Tony asks bluntly.

“Yeah, but it just didn’t work out. Me and Vision still had feelings.” Wanda says and Tony frowns at Vision, clearly wondering how Vision has feelings.

“So you broke up with June for Vision?” Nat says, not even bothering to hide the judgement in her voice.

Wanda glares at her. “At least I broke I with her first.”

The tension becomes very noticeably thick, Tony and Vision stand and stare at them both after Wandas dig at Nat.

Nat stands up, the chair behind her sliding against the floor loudly and she leaves. Everyone watches her go and wait until she’s left before moving again.

Tony turns to Wanda. “Y’ouch.” He says while cringing.

“What? You don’t think she deserved that?” Wanda asks him.

“I didn’t say she didn’t.” Tony nudges her with his elbow before standing to think about what it was he came in for. He shrugs before leaving the kitchen.

“I don’t think you were out of line. A bit blunt, though, but not out of line.” Vision pinches her chin and smiles at her. She smiles back and thinks about you. Of course she felt bad about hurting you again, but at least she broke up with you right.

Tony comes back into the kitchen, suddenly remembering his mission from before, breaking her out of her trace and forgetting about you again.

You had had your time to be in pain, but after a few days, you think it was finally time to pick yourself back up. Starting small, you gathered yourself up for the day and headed out to grab some lunch. You were actually going to sit outside and eat it by yourself, getting air. You went to your favourite food place and went to sit at the pond where the ducks always are. You haven’t been here in a while so you took this chance to enjoy it. The ducks swam up near you and you threw in some peas that you had brought from home.

As they ate, you ate. And when you finished, you just sat there.

At the end of the track, Nat was jogging and keeping an eye out for you. She knew that whenever you were happy or sad, you came here. You used to talk about the ducks and how they slowly became to trust you but she never actually came with you. She only jogged passed. But this time she was keeping an eye out. If only she had looked just to the left a little. If only she actually ran on the path she would have ran right in front of you. But she missed you. Just by a few steps.

Nat wasn’t about to let that let her down. Instead of running back to the compound, she ran straight to the address she has fished out of the system from when Wanda moved back in. The apartment block stood tall and dull, the perfect hiding spot for an Avenger, Nat guessed. She ran to the floor that your room was on and stood in front of the door. She took a deep breathe, remembering the last time you two actually spoke and cringed. She hung her head, remembering you coming into the room and seeing what her and Bucky had just done. She hadn’t given you the time of day in the last few weeks leading up to your breakup, why on earth should you give it to her now, especially if she never apologised.

But Nat swallowed her pride, there was no room for her to be embarrassed anymore and she needed to let you know that there was nothing wrong with you. You were not the reason the last relationships didn’t work and she was going to show you that.

She took another deep breathe and raised her fist, knocking hard on the wooden door.

Nat waiting for a second, listening for any sound of movement on the other side, hoping to hear your footsteps. But she heard nothing. She frowned and knocked again. You couldn’t have moved out already, it had only been a few days.

“June?” She called out, cringing at her voice saying your name again. “It’s Nat.”

Still nothing.

Nat stepped back to observe the door as a whole and looked up and down the hallway. It was quiet like no one else lives here. Thoughts begin to run through Nat’s head and she starts to worry, she should know better but she can’t help but think of the possibilities that could’ve happened. You could just be out. But it also only takes one push to get someone over the edge. She remembers seeing a fire escape of the side of the building and she needed to get in to see if you were okay.

In ten minutes she was on your apartment through the fire escape window. Moving quickly she checked both the bedroom and the bathroom. The apartment was empty and in a way, Nat was relieved.

She sighs and puts her hands on her hips, observing the your living space. She is totally invading your privacy right now but she couldn’t help but smile a little when the apron in the kitchen caught her eye. I loved to cook and she thought that the apron would be the perfect gift for you, because of its ‘sweet but salty’ saying on the front. She had given it to you late because she was too busy being an Avenger. Her pity thoughts come to an abrupt end when the sound of keys jingling in the keyhole and a lock turning came from the front door. Nat stood paralysed as you walked through the door.

You sighed walking through your door and drop the half empty bag of frozen peas. “Damn it. You grumble and bend down to pick it up. You see a shadow move on the floor and quickly lift your gaze. You freeze, seeing Nat trying to get out of the fire escape quietly.

“What the fuck, Natasha?” You yell and Nat jumps.

She turns her head to look at you sheepishly. “Hi.”

“What the hell are you doing in my apartment?”

“I just wanted to see if you were okay. I heard about you and Wanda-“

“I’m peachy.” You cut her off. “Now you can leave.”

Nat sighed and went to walk passed you to the front door but you took your key out and slammed it shut. “Nope. The way you came in.” You pointed to the window and crossed your arms.

“Are you serious?” Nat huffed at your attitude.

“Deadly.” You stared her down.

Nat sighed at your glare. “I just wanna talk.”

“I have nothing to say to you.” You voice was hard.

“Then please just listen?” Nat asked.

You gave a little huff but stayed quiet.

“I know that what I did was wrong. I was horrible at the end of our relationship. And I wish I could go back and change how I handled it and how I treated you.” Nat said. You advert your eyes down to the floor, you didn’t have it in you to fight and you wanted to be better. But you also know that your relationship with Wanda was somewhat of a distraction from your breakup with Nat.

“I just need you to know that you are not the problem. What happened with me and with Wanda was not your fault. And I am so sorry. I would treat you right if I had the chance again. You’re an amazing person.” Nat said before touching your arm and giving it a slight squeeze.

You squeezed your eyes tight in response as she walked passed you and went out the front door.

You didn’t know what to do. You thought of what you would’ve said to Nat a millions times if you ever saw her again, but you couldn’t say any of it. You frowned to yourself as you went over her words. You didn’t think twice as you reached for your phone.

Nat kicked herself for breaking into your apartment. She should have just trusted that you take care of yourself, not allowing a woman to bring you down that hard. She didn’t jog back to the compound but she sped walked, passing by the people quick feeling like she needed to give you more space.

Her phone buzzed in her pocket by her hip and she rolled her eyes, thinking it’s Steve with mission info. She pulls it out of her pocket and sees the message is from you. She stops her steps and reads the message.

June - Was that you asking for another chance?

Nat didn’t know how to take your words.

Natasha - No, but I wouldn’t oppose to it. I also don’t want to overstep.

She waited to see if you would answer her back, wanting to give you the decision.

June - Do you want to come tell me how good of a person I am some more?

Nat smirked to herself a little before turning around and heading back to your apartment.

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p-artsypants · 3 years

Text

The Ghost of Smokey Joe (4)

You’ve Got Me VooDoo’d

Adrien Agreste was acting bizarre. Stilted body language, plastic smile, and he seemed to have forgotten how close they were. Before she can get the truth out of him, Marinette finds herself as the sole heir to the Gabriel brand and the mansion, following the murder-suicide of both Adrien and Gabriel Agreste. The mystery continues as Tikki explains that Adrien was Chat Noir...but if Adrien is six feet under, why is Chat Noir still running around?

Ao3 | FF.net

“Have either of you talked to Adrien lately?”

Nino scoffed from his place on the couch. “You mean Mr. Roboto? Yeah, he’s been a blast. What did you do, Marinette?”

“Me?! I didn’t do anything!”

“Well he wasn’t this weird until your failed date night.”

“I know that! And I also know that I did nothing wrong!” She scolded.

“Mari’s right,” said Alya. “Sunshine’s transformation is probably a side effect of his dear old dad.”

“What did Gabriel do?” Asked Marinette.

“Don’t you remember? He’s a great designer, and apparently a cool boss, but he’s a super shitty dad.”

“Yeah. But ever since Adrien turned 18, he’s mellowed out. Somewhat.”

“So? He probably cranked it back up. When was the last time you saw Adrien outside of the mansion?”

Marinette blinked. “God, like two weeks ago, before ‘my failed date night’.”

“Exactly. If you ask me, Sunshine is depressed. Or forbidden from showing emotion.”

Marinette clutched at her chest, the very notion sending a throb to her heart.

“I’m going to talk to him tomorrow. I’ll sneak up on him, so Nathalie doesn’t know. Maybe without her talking to him beforehand, he’ll feel more relaxed.”

“That’s a good plan! And if he has a camera in his room?”

“Um…I’ll write a note! Not an email, in case his dad is monitoring it, but an actual, physical note.” It was as good enough of a plan as it could be, though she had neglected to mention to them the tiny detail of Adrien’s document.

‘Your name is Adrien Agreste’ it said.

Why would he be reading such a thing? Did he have amnesia and Gabriel was trying to keep it quiet? Extremely early onset Alzheimer’s? That’s the only thing that made sense.

Still, Marinette opted to not mention this. It was her clue to the mystery. Maybe later.

Just like some magic potion

You fill me with emotion

You control my very soul

You've Got Me Voodoo'd

“You could at least respond with ‘k’.”

The reply was immediate. “K.”

“Oh, so now you’re talking to me?”

“K.”

“Did I do something?”

“K”

“That doesn’t even make any sense!”

“K”

“You’re really pissing me off, Agreste.”

“K”

Marinette put her phone down for her own health. After a morning in the office, and not getting a response from Adrien, she was beyond frustrated.

If he had a problem with her, fine, but they had work to do! He still had a job at the company, outside of being a model, and some of her work relied on him.

It was coming in, slowly, poorly, and mostly wrong. Besides modeling, he was an assistant in sizing, making sure that their clothes were made to be close to the market standard, and flattering for as many possible body types. They did do custom orders, of course, but for the average consumer, it was important that they ordered what they wanted, and received what they expected.

But Adrien’s measurements were wildly wrong. Women’s extra large shirts didn’t gain inches in the bust, waist, and arms respectively, but the whole outfit scaled evenly.

Meaning that if an average small was 16 inches long, instead of gaining one or two inches, it reached down to the knees. Shoulder seams fell halfway down the bicep, and sleeves continued a few inches over their hands.

The models in testing looked like children wearing their parents' clothes.

“Miss Dupain-Cheng, I have to ask you about this collection and the…interesting sizing you’ve decided to take.” One of the sales reps asked, right outside her office.

“It’s wrong,” Marinette clarified. “It should have been caught before prototypes were made, but there’s been a hiccup in the production.” She stood, and put on her purse. There was no way to solve this problem without talking to Adrien. And goddamnit, she was going to make him talk!

“See to it that it’s corrected immediately. With Gabriel’s nearly complete absence, this collection is way behind. Aubrey Bourgeois already has her fall collection out!”

“Yes, I know. I’m heading over to the manor now to get some concrete answers. Hopefully by tomorrow, we’ll get our sizing corrected.”

“I hope you do.”

Marinette hurried down the hall, coworkers giving her concerned glances.

It was pretty obvious, even to those who weren’t immediately in the office:

The company was a sinking ship, and Marinette was the only one who had a bucket.

You knew the goddess Venus

Would start this love between us

You inspired me with desire

You've Got Me Voodoo'd

Marinette let herself into the manor, though it wasn’t her day to work there. Thankfully, it seemed like Nathalie was too busy to notice her arrival.

Up at Adrien’s bedroom door, she was about to knock. Then she noticed his door was cracked open.

Surely spying on him slightly wouldn’t be wrong?

She pushed the door open a little more for her to peek through.

On the other side of the room, staring out the window, stood Adrien. And that’s all he did. He just stood looking out the window. The lights in the room were off, backlighting his silhouette. She watched him for a moment, waiting. Nothing.

Then she knocked. “Adrien? Are you decent?”

“Yes, I am.” He spoke formally.

She opened the door fully, and he turned to look at her with the most plastic smile she had ever seen.

He didn’t have his dimples.

“Hello Marinette, it’s nice to see you. I didn’t know you were working here today.”

“Nice to see you too. I haven’t had the chance to talk to you properly the last few days, you’ve been so busy.”

“I have been, I apologize.”

“It’s not your fault. I know how your father is.” She took a seat on the couch, and pulled out her salad from her bag. “Sorry, I’d wait to eat with you, but I’m so hungry.”

“You may eat. I understand.” Though he just stared at her, still smiling, and still standing.

“Are you going to sit?”

“I can.” He sat next to her, leaving a cushion of space in-between. Normally, he would practically be in her lap.

“You don’t need to be so formal, you know. We’re alone.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.”

She frowned slightly. “You don’t need to apologize. Just like...relax.”

Adrien looked at her, before exhaling loudly and sinking into the couch more. “Is this relaxed enough?”

She shrugged.

“What did you want to talk about?”

“I just wanted to see how you were doing.”

“Doing?”

“Yeah, you’ve been acting super weird lately.”

He tilted his head slightly. “Weird? How so?”

“I don’t know, stiff? Formal? Just kind of...stand off-ish. And forgetful. There've been some pretty obvious mistakes in sizing for this collection, and you approved them. You haven’t been in the office the last few days, so I was worried.”

He considered this. “I’m sorry if my absence caused you any inconveniences. I wasn’t aware I needed to be at the office.”

She blinked a few times, incredulously. This was absolutely bizarre. “You don’t need to be there, you just usually hang around after shoots or fittings and keep me company.”

“Oh, because we are friends, right? My good friend Marinette.”

“Yes!” She slammed her Tupperware down. “This is what I’m talking about! It’s like you don’t know who I am!”

He frowned, the expression running lines in his face. “I’m sorry, Marinette. I’m having a hard time right now, and I’m kind of exhausted. I’m…kind of confused.”

She took a calming breath. “Okay. I get it. You’re stressed. Let’s talk this out though, okay?”

He twisted up his mouth in thought. “Okay, what would you like to talk about?”

“What’s got you stressed? Is your dad breathing down your neck? Are deadlines too much to handle with modeling too? Do you need a vacation?”

He stared at her, blankly. “I’m not sure. I would have to think about it.”

“Well, you know you can talk to me about anything. I care a lot about you, Adrien.”

“Oh…that’s nice.” He smiled and patted her hand.

It sounded incredibly patronizing. And it hurt.

“What is up with you? You’ve been acting so strange! You’re not the boy I know!”

You knew you had the power

And even picked the hour

When the full moon was up above

I was hypnotized when I looked into your eyes

My heart was filled with love

The unbelievable plastic smile shifted then, relaxing ever so slowly, until it was gone, and it almost seemed like it was never there.

“You should go.” Adrien said, hollowly.

“What?”

“You should leave now. I don’t think you should be here. Does Nathalie know you are here?”

Marinette swallowed. “No, she doesn’t. I mean—I didn’t think you’d mind. You usually like it when I come to hang out…” she looked to the floor, “at least you used to.”

“Please give me thorough warning the next time you need to speak with me.”

She snapped the lid back on her lunch, the second time she had done so. She only had a few bites, just like last time.

And food just didn’t taste as good without him around.

“Fine. You know what? I won’t bother you again. Next time, I’ll send an email, like I do with all my other co-workers.” She slid her lunch into her bag, and stood. “The sizing for this collection needs some serious work, and I’ve been the one to have to fix it, on top of all my other responsibilities. Please do better next time, Mr. Agreste.” She shouldered her bag, and walked out.

Once the door slammed behind her, she let the tears gather in her eyes, but didn’t let them fall.

So it was over then. Her friendship with Adrien, her best friend, was over. And she wasn’t getting an explanation.

“Marinette,” Tikki said, sadly. “It can’t be your fault. You didn’t do anything.”

“I know. And that’s the worst part. Because that means I can’t fix it.”

She left the Agreste mansion that day, not knowing the next time she walked through those doors, life would be completely different.

Just like the siren Circe

You've got me at your mercy

Always to be brave and bold

Mama, You've Got Me Voodoo'd

It was late. Too late for anyone to be calling, and yet, here her phone was ringing. Marinette fumbled for it. Grabbing it and blinding herself with the screen.

It was 3am, and Adrien was calling her.

She loved a late night confession as much as the next girl, but she had a presentation in the morning. What was he thinking?

She hoped it was an apology. Maybe he was finally going to break down and tell her everything that was going wrong.

Or maybe he was going to confess he didn’t actually know how clothing measurements worked and he’d been guessing the whole time.

“Hello?” She grumbled.

“Marinette.” His voice was so stern, so cold, it gave her goosebumps. “Did I wake you?” He asked, softer.

“Yeah.”

“Sorry, but it’s important.”

“Okay. What’s up?”

“I’m sorry.” He breathed. “You were right. I’m not the boy you knew.”

More awake now, she sat up in bed. This had obviously been driving him wild for a while. “We all change, Adrien. It’s okay. If you’re going through something, I’m here for you. Just be honest with me.”

“That’s not—“ he sighed, a growl at the end. “Look, just…I don’t have much time. I don’t know what he—what I was going to tell you that night, but it probably wasn’t good.”

Another voice was on his end of the line. “What are you doing?! Who are you talking to?!”

“Shit. Just look in the basement!”

“What?!”

“How dare you!”

“Let go of me!”

And the line went dead.

What. The. Hell.

She called him back, now completely wide awake.

“Hey there, it’s Adrien, I’m not available to answer right now…”

All the chapter titles are songs from my spooky halloween playlist that inspired this fic (and their lyrics will be in the chapters)! You can find that playlist here. The playlist will be updated as the fic goes on.

I hope to post the last chapter on Halloween!

#ml #miraculous ladybug #fanfiction #adrienette #ladybug #marinette dupain cheng #adrien agreste #chat noir #the ghost of Smokey Joe

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jazillia007 · 3 years

Text

Thoughts on GG 4x3 Fall Guy

Things I did not enjoy:

Phoebe...

I’m sorry but we really said goodbye to Turner for... Phoebe? I know some would root for her to turn on her shitty FBI co-worker but that wouldn’t make her interesting. It would look desperate. xD I don’t know. I wouldn’t mind her being on track when it comes to Beth. But the reasons why she suspects Beth fall flat to me.

But now things might turn and I’m also weirdly looking forward to what’s gonna happen since she found that letter Beth left. *sigh* Why didn’t Beth think of that?

Beth’s new bed

The only good thing it. got character but dang it it’s so ugly and I will never not notice. LMAO

Fitzpatrick Part 1

Being the creepy dude he is. Like... ewww... The fact he is like “oh but WHY do you not want to go with me to the Fijis?”. I mean it’s not like Beth’s husband is in prison right now and she got 4 kids to take care of but whatever. And she said “NO”. But hey... creepers gonna be creepy.

So but then, Beth tells him exactly that... and... continue in the what I liked section here...

Thing I would’ve enjoyed if done differently:

Did I need those flashbacks with Dean to understand why Beth is staying with him?

No, I don’t think I needed it to know why she is staying with Dean because Beth herself verbally said why she stays with him in many episodes. But I also think we need to remember the majority of the viewers are casual viewers who don’t watch the episodes like fandoms do and casual viewers sometimes need everything to get spelled out for them. But I also think casual viewers aren’t dumb and sometimes writers should just trust them to know and understand things and circumstances.

I also think I would’ve liked it more if the flashbacks had included Beth’s relationship with her father or the non-existence of the very same. I think the reason why women tend to stay with men who are not good for them is because: they have a dysfunctional family (problematic mother, problematic father or both combined), they’re dependent on men, those men resemble the father or the women want to fix something that was broken in their own family (e.g. not having a father but wanting a family and a father for their own children).

But we didn’t get that. And I think it’s a shame the writers focus a great deal on showing Dean was the only good guy Beth knew at that time hence why she chose him when it would’ve been more interesting to explore the reason WHY Beth thought Dean was the only seemingly decent person.

Also, just because Dean was a nice guy back then doesn’t make his cheating and lying okay. And it doesn’t mean Beth needs to stay with him. If anything it worries me that the writers apparently think “look because he was nice back and he basically “saved” Beth and gave her stability, she needs to stay with him forever”. That’s not the case. As I said before if the writers adore Matthew Lillard so much, they can keep him, even as the ex-husband. Just a thought.

However, I think the flashbacks were filmed nicely as some already mentioned. And I liked the casting.

Things I enjoyed:

Kenny

I know some people missed it but Kenny is away for a tournament which explains why it seems Beth and Dean only got 3 children. The show explained it right away, so thankfully Kenny won’t disappear like Buddy did. xD

Dean not buying Beth’s “I love you”

You know I don’t like Dean but I kind of enjoy he isn’t buying Beth’s “I love you” anymore. I mean he is the last person to call her out because he cheated on her and told her he loves her after she found out to manipulate her as well but I just like we see Dean not buying it. Because WHO is actually still buying it when Beth is telling Dean “I love you”.

Ruby and Annie having priorities

I love how they’re like “Hey, you got 4 kids!” like even to them Dean isn’t a father who deserves to be out of prison.

On a sidenote: Ruby aka Retta is looking extra gorgeous this season. Oh MY!

Whatever is going on with Stan

Look I always wanted for Stan and Rio to team up. So please let it happen. But also whatever happens in the club, “the little bitch” and the “big bitch” this could have potential.

But I hope he doesn’t develope a drinking problem and I don’t need the tension between him and Ruby. But also kind of enjoy he got now secrets of his own.

Found the whole mom situation in the flashbacks more interesting than Dean

I think you deleted the post @medievalraven but I think there might be something going on with Beth’s and Annie’s mom which is more related to (TRIGGER WARNING) depression and suicidal thoughts. Which is actually a whole lot more interesting to explore than what a nice guy Dean was back then.

And it would play into what I said earlier. That whatever is going on in Beth’s family made her the person she is now and would explain why she acts in certain ways and why she is unable to leave Dean (except the writers apparently don’t WANT her to leave Dean as of now).

And whatever has been going on at home explains why Annie turned out the way she was back then and still is - especially when it comes to Dean.

Annie and Ben

As you know, I barely relate with Annie but I always enjoyed the most her relationship with her son and if the writers are doing anything right it’s writing this arc properly. It’s normal for Ben to want to stay with his father but at the same time it breaks my heart for Annie.

Fitzpatrick Part 2

Beth going off was everything I needed right now. Thank you, Beth, for telling him where your limits are!

And what a douchebag is Fitzpatrick to be like “oh but I thought you wanted more from your life”. We love guilt-tripping men - NOT. Just look at Dean. I mean... c’mon! Also for him to be like “but you hired me”... Yeah, she did hire you but not sending the message “I also want sex with you.” What is this guy!?

However, I would buy Beth’s speech a little more if she would pair it up with actions. Like divorcing Dean and you know the drill. It would be so much more consistent than having her say one thing but not living up to it. I mean on the other hand now she is somewhat tied to him because Dean plead guilty but still... We’re going in circles a little bit.

Rio/Brio

You know I know the pool table scene is splitting the fandom as always. And I’m just grateful I can watch the scene and enjoy it as a shipper but also enjoy it as a viewer.

I liked the whole “negotiation” between Beth and Rio. Rio did a really low blow when he told Beth if Dean is released from prison 3 years later he might be in better shape and even wanting to “hit it again”. I think we all know why Dean and Beth aren’t working out anymore on a sexual basis and so does Rio, so while Rio might be correct it was a low blow.

But I also enjoy how Rio doesn’t care one bit about Dean. He never did - since season 1. And Dean being a shitty husband and a even shittier businessman is playing a huge part in it. And I like Rio doesn’t even pretend to care.

But he still gives into her pleading. I know some people think he is already over Beth shooting him and maybe that’s the case but in Rio’s case that doesn’t mean he can’t be petty by pulling away the stick. It’s like him saying “I gave you the gun once and I won’t do it again and this is me retaining control. You play this game and we see where it goes with the money.” He is challenging Beth and he knows she would take the challenge.

At the same time, and some of my mutuals noticed it as well, I got 2x9 bedroom vibes which is weird. Especially since there are many mutuals who didn’t feel it or read the scene differently or didn’t like it at all.

The way he looked at her after pulling away the stick. There is a lack of music which I don’t think was a conscious choice unlike it was in the bedroom scene in 2x9 but it still heightened the tension of the scene. And then there suddenly is music and it’s melancholic almost.

Then of course Rio “teaching” Beth how to play pool, handson. And this is where it gets interesting for me. I know a lot of people read this scene differently or it left a different impression.

For me: I always thought that both Beth and Rio are having very mixed feelings right now for eachother. Mostly confused anger. Anger for obvious reasons and confusion because that despite the anger they can’t stop whatever their relationship is and whatever their feelings might be.

And I think in season 3, Rio never really touched Beth. Except for when he showed up alive and did the hair thing and then when he put his hand over hers when she wanted a drink and he thought she was pregnant.

I think this... Rio leaning over Beth and then smelling her. A smell he knows too well and once probably loved. This is the first time he is this close to her again. And same for her, I think that little headshake was mostly her being a little startled but also becoming very aware of his closeness.

And it’s so interesting to see how Rio steps back and does this shoulder roll. It’s like he was suddenly aware of what he was doing and somewhat wanted to shake it off.

And just a little note: the ball had the number 8 on it which can be read as “forever” or “eternity”. Me reading too much into it. :P

Then the moment is over but I just love the moment of joy after Beth winning the challenge and for Rio as well. And then it quickly goes back to business. I think if they’re doing anything well it’s that Brio right now is very much split into two halfs. And for me of course I know the hitman plan is still going which is baffling to me. So of course this dampens any excitement I might have during Brio scenes.

Even though, we can safely say they won’t go through with the hitman plan, and especially now when Beth has hurt Fitzpatrick’s ego. He was pretty calm but I feel like he will mess up on purpose. I don’t think FItzpatrick takes rejection well. Just my thoughts on that. He was way too calm for someone who would hurt a person over raw salmon.

#nbc good girls #spoilers #my thoughts #this is so long and I'm sorry #Brio #Beth x Rio #Beth Boland #Ruby Hill #Annie Marks #Rio #Dean Boland #Stan Hill #I read through this once so any misspellings I'm sorry for :D #I probably forgot half of what I wanted to say #but then this would turn into a thesis

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magicalcrwn · 3 years

Text

lost, then found // ksj

pairing: Seokjin x Reader

word count: 2.2k

genre: non-idol, roommates au, requited feelings, hurt/comfort, fluff, angst

warning(s): going in deep here so do not take these lightly, talks of loneliness, existential crisis, mental health issues, implied suicidal thoughts, mostly unedited

summary: “When it comes, the two hands overlap / Then the whole world holds its breath for a moment / Zero o’clock“

Life is hard, sometimes you just gotta take a step back and breathe.

a/n: been feeling horrible this year, so i poured all of my thoughts into this fic to just lighten the load i guess. this could also be considered as a late jin day gift, he’s been my ult and my main emotional support kpop boy for two years now and abyss even got me finishing up this fic. so in a way, it’s more of a vent fic but also a thank you for keeping a smile on my face. with that out of the way, i hope you’re all taking care of yourselves and maybe find some comfort in this. who knows? links: txt m.l || bts m.l

Sleep has always been an escape for you, especially from reality.

Everybody has those days, feeling lost and depressed no matter what happened -- could be out of nowhere, could be from exhaustion -- but today? Today is just too much, and you don’t know why. You feel heavy, drained both emotionally and physically, and want only to sleep the day or maybe the rest of the year or more away. Honestly, that doesn’t sound too bad -- an eternal sleep. In your dreams, you can do anything without a worry. An eternal dream would be heavenly, doing whatever you want with no pressure and stress from the world, doing whatever at your own pace instead of being pressured to keep up with the rapidly moving public.

So that’s what you do, or that’s what you try to do. It’s nearing sundown and you stay curled up under your bed on your phone while scrolling through social media, you only get up to get food and water and to use the bathroom. Anything else? That’s it. You look through every single platform you’re on underneath the blanket while cuddling RJ stolen from Seokjin’s bed.

Speaking of Seokjin…

You’ve been living with him as roommates for the past three years, and you have known him since high school when you were a freshman and him a sophomore. Whenever you two hang out together, some could easily mistake you as siblings, sometimes as lovers. You, however, don’t consider him a lover -- he’s just your best friend who agreed to live in this apartment together. Yep, just friends. Nothing more. Just friends. You don’t pay attention to his cute stupid grin whenever he makes a cheesy dad joke, nor his squishy cheeks that puffs up whenever he smiles. You also don’t pay attention to how he’s humming little melodies you’ve memorized overtime while he cooks, and you don’t pay attention to how he gets all giggly and happy whenever he gets excited. Though you do acknowledge how safe you feel around him, how comfortable it is to be around him.

He’s out today, working late as a recently hired producer and artist for Namjoon’s also recently opened company, MONO Entertainment, leaving your lonesome self the entire day. Speaking of loneliness, it feels more suffocating than usual. Music quietly plays through your phone’s speaker, you pull the sheets closer to your body as you try to dig deeper into the warmth of your safety. This duvet can’t keep you safe and warm, you’re well aware of that, you’ll have to eventually leave and rejoin the overwhelming society you know as reality.

Growing up, you always believed reality is perfect, a place where it has so many possibilities for you to strive for a better future -- or better yet, a better self. Oh, has the world proved you wrong.

The security alarm echoes throughout the apartment, accompanied by the sound of the door unlocking and opening. He's already home? Nevertheless, you stay in your bed, sliding even deeper into the duvet. Your name is called from the entrance, but you shut your eyes as you attempt to sneak in a nap. Today's pretty much not a social day, you just want to keep the talking to a minimum. Especially with your roommate. The door shuts, keys jingling in the distance followed by shoes thumping.

Soft padded footsteps nears your doorway, a crack between the frame and the door peeking into and out of your somewhat messy room. Seokjin, still wearing his fuzzy orange hoodie, gently pushes the door as he tries not to disturb you. Upon spotting the you-sized lump protruding from the blanket, he sighs with a small smile on his face. He walks to the nearest side of your bed, closest to the door, which surprisingly you left space for your full sized bed.

Once more, he calls your name, but you still don't respond. At least verbally. You just shuffle in place and push yourself even more deeper into the duvet. A light chuckle grabs onto your ears. Your friend sits on said empty spot of your bed and gently rests a hand on the lump, landing on your left arm.

"Hey bub," he says while gently rubbing your arm in small strokes. Seokjin moves his hands towards the edge of the covers to pull it down, but you whine as you feel the sudden shift in air once he moves it down at least an inch. A frown dons his face, "C'mon, you can't breathe if you stay down there."

You shake your head. "Come back in 2-3 business days," you mumble.

Surprised by your sudden remark, he lets out an airy laugh a moment sooner. You feel shifting behind you, the heavy duvet being moved around. A warm presence slides into your cocoon, inching closer to you. If you're not getting out, might as well get in.

"Jin," you whine pathetically, "get out."

"Aw, c'mon, can't I at least get a hug?"

You blink your eyes, practically rolling them at the end. He's pouting, you know he is. In fact, if you turn around right now, you'd see his pouty lips especially in the dark. With a straight face, you slowly flop over to your right to face exactly what you expected. A pouty Seokjin with -- oh no -- how dare he use those puppy eyes against you out of all people! Without even realizing it, you hold your breath as you two stare each other for a long, long time. At each passing second, you feel the effects of the forbidden Seokjinnie Pout™ dealing blows at your already rapid beating heart. Your face grows redder and redder as you continue staring directly at his face.

When your ears starts to burn enough, you release your breath and surrender, "Fine, you can hug." His eyes brightens at your words, his cheeks rounding up as a smile pushes through the pout. Has he always been this close before? Just inches away from your faces touching. You blink thrice then stammer, "Just... just once."

An arm suddenly reaches for your curled up body, Seokjin pushes himself towards you with his other arm on the bed. His warmth right against yours as he snakes his limbs around you, pulling you into his embrace. Out of habit, your arms wrap around his torso as you lean further into him and squishing RJ in between.

A hand reaches for your head, gently stroking it. His chest rumbles against your forehead while he asks, "Bad day?" Of course he'd notice, so you nod your head. He hums, still continuing his petting, "Thought so. Did you get up at all?"

"Only to go to the bathroom and eat," you reply back, subconsciously nuzzling into his fuzzy clad chest which steadily moves up and down with his breathing.

"Haven't gone out at all, hm?" This time you shake your head. He lets out a huff, patting your head twice before looking down at you, "What's wrong? You can tell me."

Your lips puckers into a pout, you smush your face closer into him as you mumble, "'s just -- I dunno -- just unmotivated I guess. Like there's nothin' I can do even though I know I can do it but -- yeah. That and just... lonely."

"Lonely? I'm right here, y'know," he lightly jokes as an attempt to lighten the mood.

"I know but like, the different type of lonely. Y'know, the type of lonely where you feel like you're just awkwardly standing in place of somewhere where you clearly don't belong. The type where you feel like you've been left out from everything that's happening no matter how fast or slow time goes by, even getting to the point where you feel like you’re lost." You swallow shortly afterwards, continuing with another mumble. Your arms tighten, "The type where you don't feel like you're alive."

He quietly stares at you, watching you breathe in his arms. Suddenly, you felt yourself being pulled up and out of the covers, being placed on the pillows while still in his embrace. You lift your head and look at him with an exhausted yet confused gaze. Both of you stare right into each others' eyes for a while, the slightly audible music still playing on the other side of yourself on the bed. "How about now? Do you feel alive?"

His sudden question caught you off guard, not even letting you respond with a suitable answer. Seeing your bewildered eyes, he repositions yourselves on the bed -- lying on his back and you resting your cheek on his chest, allowing you hear the faint thumps of his heartbeat. Right when you open your mouth, he immediately cuts you off, "What am I saying, it's much more easier said than done. Alive... It's a strange concept if you think about it. It all depends on how you live it, but how we live it is always the big question."

Leaning his head back onto the pillow, gazing up onto the ceiling, he subconsciously continues stroking his head as he too continues his train, "Sometimes I feel like I'm alive, finally getting a head start on my music career thanks to Namjoon, but sometimes? Sometimes I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know if I enjoy what I'm doing, I don't know if I am doing what I'm capable of doing in this life. I don't know if I'm living a life that I want to live, a life where I feel alive." He slightly tips his head towards your side, lowering just a bit to look back at you. "Even though I'm familiar with the loneliness, I don't mind it. Sure it sucks, but it helps you even when you don't think it would. Gives you time to reflect, gives you time to think, and most importantly, it gives you time to rest."

Turning towards the window, he faces the sky at the blue hour after the sun has set. The faint sound of vehicles moving throughout the streets muffles against the wall and the window. "Yeah, the world's fast, a lot of us are moving fast -- moving onwards without looking back. Whenever I look at those people, I always think to myself, 'Wow, these guys... I can't keep up.' I still think of it to this day. Whatever they did in their day, no matter how big or small, they're always moving at their own pace to keep up with the world. I don't doubt it though, feeling the same loss and loneliness we feel every now and then. It catches us off guard, especially to them at least once in their lives. Just like today." Once more, his gaze falls back onto you. You , who stares with wide eyes as you listen to his philosophy.

His lips curls up into a small smile, warm enough to comfort you. "No matter how many times you feel this way -- everyday or every other day -- you're still you. The loneliness isn't always there to torment you, it's there to guide you, help you. Don't ever try to force it out, like misery, it loves company. Company that it can be useful to. No matter where or what you're doing in the world, you will seek that life again. The life you believe that you will fulfill to the end, the life that will make you feel alive even just by a smidge."

Loneliness. You never thought of it that way, honestly. You'd always think of it as an obstacle, something annoyingly in your way. Something which seems to be impossible to overcome. Shuffling up, moving into a more comfortable position, you rest your ear onto his chest. Hearing Seokjin’s voice say your name, you look up again.

In just a split second, he places a light feathery kiss on your forehead, immediately burning your ears red. "Take a break," he murmurs against your skin, "I mean it."

Underneath your head, you feel him shuffle as he starts to make his way out of the bed. "Seokjin," you instantly call. He pauses, a leg sticking out of the duvet and bare foot planted on the floor, then he looks back. Without even realizing, you ask him, "Can you stay here with me? Please?"

Blinking once then twice, his Adam's apple bobs as he swallows and slowly nod. Zipping off the hoodie, letting it fall onto the floor, he crawls back into bed and repositions himself in the same spot he was in.

You reach for your phone, turning off the music then placing back behind you in its original spot. Climbing up to him, you readjust yourself into your position from earlier, curling up against his warm body. Shutting your eyes, you whisper, "Thank you."

You didn't elaborate nor was there a need to. Seokjin watches you breathe, his gaze soft at the sight. Wrapping his arms back around you, he places another kiss on your head, "You're welcome. Have a nice sleep, love."

Love? Your heart stutters at the word, a grin threatening to burst out.

Tomorrow will be another day, the day where you'll put yourself back on track and pick up where you left off. While the world doesn't wait for no one, the only one waiting for you is yourself and maybe a specific somebody keeping you close to his heart.

a/n: it’s normal to feel lonely, even if you see it as a threat. remember that it will teach you to take care of yourself better. first things first, take a step back and just breathe.

#bts #bts imagine #bts oneshot #bts drabble #bts fluff #bts angst #kim seokjin #jin #seokjin #seokjin fluff #seokjin angst #jin fluff #jin angst #seokjin oneshot #jin oneshot

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chika-the-terrible · 3 years

Text

Elimination (Pt. 2)

She was able to smuggle Leon onto a cargo plane. Previously, all his hits to bioterrorism had been restricted to the US. This was the first time since his return from Spain that he was leaving the country. And Ada wasn’t exactly sure what plan he had for their operation. The heart of Simmons’ work was located at the Quad Tower, a tall building in the middle of Lanshiang, and Leon’s legs weren’t exactly disguisable. But, seeing as he managed to survive two different times by bullshitting his way out of a situation, she supposed she could rely on his reflexes and ideas somewhat. She didn’t rely on his sense of danger, though. That was just being suicidal because he would keep walking into danger without another glance back. She wasn’t following that, thank you very much.

Ada walked out of the airport, head held high. Luis, she knew, had been growing suspicious over her newest contact and had asked her about it before she left, being that she was leaving so suddenly. Usually he left her alone, but apparently something about her meeting up with Leon was rubbing Luis the wrong way, and he didn’t even know she was meeting with Leon in the first place.

“Are you sure about this?” Luis had asked as she packed the items she would need, “I’ve got a bad feeling.”

“Not the first time you’ve mentioned that.” she quipped. And it wasn’t. But Luis crossed his arms.

“I owe you my life, Ada, and you still haven’t exactly let me leave yet. I could go back into society and I doubt you’d come after me, but I don’t like this. Your contact, this ‘Mr. L’ guy you’ve talked about, he’s rubbing me the wrong way.”

“You barely know anything about him.”

“And that’s what worries me.” When Ada reached for her grappling gun, Luis grabbed her wrist. She gave him an unimpressed look. Luis said, “Promise me that you’ll be careful.”

“Are you actually worried about me?”

“I’ve come too close to death not to.” he said. Ada felt her face soften.

“I promise, Luis.” He matched her gaze for a few moments before taking his hand away. And that took her to now, walking into Lanshiang and hoping Leon was making his way off the plane unspotted. The B.S.A.A. transport had better security and he’d managed to sneak away fine there, this should be a piece of cake for him. As it was, she made her way to a nearby park, where they would meet. It was already dark, so it was unlikely they’d be interrupted. His plane was scheduled to have come in before hers so maybe he was already waiting for her. Ada hoped so, the sooner they got this over with the better. She paused when she heard the telltale skitter. Still, she lowered a hand to her holster, ready to draw if it wasn’t Leon. But she needn’t have worried.

“You really like trying to scare me, huh?” she commented as his mutated legs lowered him from a tree.

“It’s a happy side-effect.” he spoke back. He crossed his arms, “Ready for the assault?” Ada tried not to snort.

“We’re not assaulting Quad Tower. That’s just not happening. We need to sneak in, smash the virus, and destroy whatever notes they’ve been making so it can’t be replicated. Simple as that.”

“To you, maybe.” Leon stretched his human arms, “I’m used to going in, guns blazing. Mostly because everything’s already gone to shit.”

“And doing it your way will get us killed, Dollface.” Ada spoke back, “Once we get inside, you can go your own way, but at least try to sneak in before you go on a rampage?”

“If we’re sneaking in, I think I’ve got a way to do it. But you’re gonna have to trust me.”

“Uh huh.” Ada raised an eyebrow, “And what, exactly, is your plan?”

“Climb up the side of the building, what else?” She should’ve known that’d be his answer.

“You’re sure about that?”

“I promise not to drop you.” He held out a hand. Ada didn’t move, considering her options. This would be the first time they’d really touched and interacted since Spain. She would have to trust him to get them inside. He had the stealth, but she herself had serious trust issues. She liked being able to be confident in her own means of transport, secure herself by herself. But Quad Tower was something she didn’t have time to prepare for and she wouldn’t be going in by herself. She would have to trust Leon to get them in there if they wanted to continue with this mission. So she took his hand. Leon gently tugged her into his arms, raising the others to run. This would be one hell of a wild ride.

Ada couldn’t help but grab onto the harness Leon still wore, keeping her grip as his legs started carrying them to the nearest building. Going from the rooftops would be a safe bet. The legs moved so fast they were almost a blur, moving incredibly quickly to cross from the park to a small building nearby. When they got close enough, he did a flying leap and landed on the top of the building.

“How are you not in pain from all this?” Ada asked, trying to distract herself from her fear at the high speed shenanigans, “Doesn’t it hurt, hanging from these things all the time?”

“Not really.” Leon answered. From there they went from building to building, hopping on top of each like going up a staircase. The Quad Building was pretty tall and so they had to keep jumping until they came to a nearby building that was almost the same height. Same, but not quite. Leon stared up at the several dozen feet to the top of the skyscraper and grinned.

“Don’t tell me you’re going to-”

“Hold on!” Leon took a running start and his sharp, crab-like legs dug into the rock like it was a cliff-face. Thankfully they weren’t near any windows, though there were lights shining up from a lower level to highlight the tower. Immediately Leon began climbing up, mutated legs pulling out of the stone only to jab back into it to keep going up. And when they finally reached the edge, Leon gave a sigh of relief. Ada gave him an irritated look.

“Did you really think we weren’t going to survive that?”

“A little. Haven’t tried climbing a building before.”

“You’re an idiot.” Ada broke out of his arms and dusted herself off. Leon lowered to the ground, his legs tucking up behind him to rest.

“Like I haven’t heard that before.” Leon put his hands on his hips, “So are we splitting up or going together?”

“I’d suggest we go in together, but it’s your choice.” Ada checked her gun, “I’m going after the notes and data. You see if you can find the virus.”

“Alright.” They took the door into the building and Leon took the left while Ada stared after him, “Let’s say we meet up in half an hour, yeah?”

“Agreed.” And so she went to the right.

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#prince plagas au #au #infected au #resident evil #writing #my post #not posted #ada wong #leon kennedy #leon s kennedy #post RE4 #luis sera #long post

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anika-ann · 4 years

Text

Errare Humanum Est - Pt.10

...and Drink It with Gusto

Type: series, soulmate AU series (part 1, part 2) x Supernatural

Pairing: Steve Rogers x reader (past?) Word count: 3400

Summary: Steve’s a bit difficult (poor baby), not that anyone blames him. Sam Wilson makes a confession – sort of.

Warnings: mentions of violence, blood and death, alcohol, unhealthy coping mechanism, sad sad Steeb

A/N: dropping the chapter early, because I won’t have time to post for a bit

Story masterlist

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The mission hadn’t been a shitshow, surprisingly enough, but the reports to Fury had been. Natasha had spent the rest of the day, whole night and a better portion of the next day at the SHIELD HQ, having to deal with everything, because Stark had quite literally fled. To be fair, he had at least taken care of Steve’s still unconscious and very much muscular (read ‘really fucking heavy’) form.

Tired and annoyed, Natasha finally landed with small jet at the Tower, making her way to her room, wishing nothing more but to shower and get some fucking sleep.

Of course, walking through the common room, she should have known she wouldn’t be that lucky.

She heard his icy yet somewhat cheery voice before she even saw him and it made her stop in her tracks, dreading facing him. She was too tired for his reproaches now.

“AH! There she is!”

Natasha took a deep breath, closing her eyes and mentally counting to three.

“Here’s ‘ur soulmate ex-pert!” Steve howled again, making her heart clench.

Black Widow was not a coward, but neither her nor Natasha liked dealing with feelings too directly – the jet was enough to get her fill for several years prior. She scanned the room before she would settle on him – and sure enough, she and Steve weren’t alone.

Bruce was standing indecisively by the door, torn and helpless expression on his face, his eyes one big question mark, asking Natasha how the hell he was supposed to deal with that.

Good question, Bruce, good question.

The smell of booze and Steve’s demeanour were unmistakable, but she silently asked anyway.

“Is he…?”

“Yeah. He… uhm… he found Thor’s stash,” the scientist answered her in equally hushed voice, inconspicuously pointing towards the counter where three flasks lay, emptied. Jesus.

Steve apparently heard and saw them anyway, because his voice bellowed again in reaction to their conversation. His words were slurred.

“Goooood friend Thor. Thou’ he t’ied to take my g’l. Nooot a g’d friend. Baaaad, bad friend.”

“Oh bozhe moy…” Natasha whispered under her breath and Steve turned to her, looking almost excited to see her.

Which didn’t mean he didn’t look like absolute shit. He had a t-shirt stained with the alcohol, his eyes red-rimmed, bruise-like dark circles under them as if he hadn’t slept for a year.

She hadn’t thought he could get worse than in the quinjet. Clearly, she was wrong.

“’tasha! Greeeeat ‘dvice you gave me,” he exclaimed, trying to rise from his spot on the couch where he had been half-lying like a dead fish casted ashore.

Natasha resisted the urge to massage her temples as the headache started to build. She tried to ignore the sinking feeling in her stomach at the audible edge to his voice, the accusation glaring at her from his eyes.

“Steve…”

He finally stumbled to his feet and she noticed another flask secured in his right hand. He held it out as if he was pointing at her.

“Tried wat’ you s-said. Hurts,” he hiccupped, the sound blending with a sob. He cleaned his nose with the back of his hand hastily. “S-saw her grave. Fuck it hurts… ‘dis thing’s good ‘ough.”

Natasha bit the inside of her cheek, her mind racing. She didn’t need to call anyone for advice now. Her friend was shitfaced. The only thing she could do was to get him to bed and try not to antagonize him or trigger something worse than… whatever this was. She wasn’t sure if moving on from being snowed under work – voluntarily – was more or less healthy than drinking himself into oblivion. But she counted any change that wasn’t a step towards a suicide (possibly assisted by the last of Hydra goons) like a progress.

“Is he drunk?” Tony’s incredulous voice ringed from the doorway and Natasha didn’t even bother spinning on her heels to him, hearing him enter and close the distance between them as he stopped at her side. “Cap?”

Blood froze in Natasha’s veins and she was swift to call out, but it was too late. “No- don’t call-!”

So much for not triggering him and making it worse. She could see how he suddenly stood straighter as if he swallowed a wooden ruler, and an indefinable expression appeared on his face.

She gulped in anticipation of a storm.

“Cap!” he called out, mimicking Tony and the billionaire realized his mistake, judging by the silent dammit that left his lips. Steve raised the flask in a mock toast, turning around and nearly tipping over his feet. “Captain ‘merica! What a heeero! Cheers to him!” He took a long sip before continuing, his gestures animated. “Swin’ in, safe th’m all! Kill his g’l, why ‘ven care… hero, murd’r, potato, tomatho…” his voice slurred into a murmur, until he spotted a newcomer and came to life again. “Ah! Hey, Clint!”

Clint was quick to understand the situation and it took one glance at Natasha for them to agree what needed to be done. He approached Steve cautiously with his features emotionless.

“We should get you to bed-“

“Nope! No!” Steve howled instantly, taking several steps backwards to get out of Clint’s reach. His expression was dark, tears welling in his eyes. “Smell like h’r. Not ‘nymore. Hurts!” he sobbed, pressing the heel of his hand to his forehead, his figure swaying dangerously as he closed his eyes and lost the visual control of his balance. “Hurts!”

“Come on, Steve…” Clint coaxed him gently, attempting to close the distance between them again. His gaze flickered to Bruce and Tony and they took few steps towards Steve as well.

“Nope! Gotta-ta sssay sm’thin’!” Christ, Natasha had never seen him like this and she wanted to bleach both her eyes and ears. He pointed the flask at Clint resolutely. “You knew. You warn h’r. Fuck-fuck up. Shouldva told- I ain’t gettin’ killed. I kill h’r.”

“Steve…” Natasha approached him as well, grimacing when she saw the flash of emotion on Clint’s face.

Steve spun to her immediately, this time accusing her. “And you! Gooood job. Pushin’ us togthe’. You kill h’r too.”

“Hey! Watch it!” Tony snapped at him, running out of patience, but Natasha knew Steve didn’t quite mean it. Pushing them together wasn’t her fault – the fact she had tranquilized him was her sin and she was aware he had the right to be mad at her.

“Your friggin’ ‘stem! You too- n’t fly fast ’nough!“

“Steve, you’re wasted. You’re going to bed before you say more things you regret,” Bruce said calmly after Steve managed to finish his roll and blame another person.

Bruce speaking up gave the captain a pause and he looked like his brain froze. His brows knitted together and he nodded, another sob erupting from his throat, his inhale shaking his whole being as he crossed the distance to Bruce, murmuring.

“Regert. Her. My folt, no yours. Kill h’r. Miss her. Shouldva s-s-saved her. Pick h’r… love h’r. Hurts. Hurts s’much…”

Steve’s large frame enveloped Bruce, resting his whole impressive weight on him. The scientist was nearly tripped over – except a hint of green flushed his neck, Hulk coming to rescue before the other men and Natasha rushed to help. Steve went completely limp, the flask falling to the ground, the little liquid remaining in it spilling and staining the carpet. No one cared as they tried to support the supersoldier’s goo-like body, exchanging desperate glances.

“Well, that was… enlightening,” Tony summarized, his poor attempt at joke that not even he apparently believed in barely gaining any reaction.

Clint sighed. “Please, this is hardly any news. We knew he blamed himself.” He readjusted Steve’s arm he had slung around his shoulders and Tony’s right side of suit came to the rescue, taking most of the weight off from the billionaire. “I hate this, but I think he needs this.”

Natasha wasn’t so sure about that, but yeah, Steve definitely needed to start accepting the reality. It was probably a natural reaction to want to dull the pain with something else when work was off limits. She pressed her lips together as their whole grouped slowly made their way to Steve’s room.

“Let’s just get him to bed.”

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Not many people could probably brag they had Black Widow’s number. Well, probably no one could, because if they told a living soul, they’d meet their end. So Sam Wilson didn’t brag. And he sure as hell didn’t call her first.

That said, he did not hesitate when she called him with location and time to meet, no greeting, no goodbye. Rude, but he’d take it. He had more than one reason, not that he would advertise it.

So there he was, sipping coffee from a take-away cup as he sat in Central Park with Black Widow, both of them having the best super-spy disguise; sunglasses and baseball caps.

The silence between them was getting awkward and Sam couldn’t take the tension anymore.

“Well, this is much more… civil than our last meeting,” he noted casually, hating to admit he was… nervous.

“I’m not gonna say sorry,” Ms.Romanoff hummed back, sipping her latté.

“Guess I wouldn’t expect that…”

He didn’t expect her to face him either but she did, a reminiscence of a sad smile gracing her lips. The warmth around his heart was familiar and not entirely unwelcomed. He found himself longing after seeing her whole face.

“I’m saying thank you, though.”

Huh.

“Didn’t expect that either,” he admitted and one corner of her lips rose higher in a smirk. Sam had a hunch she loved surprising people – or rather shocking them. “How did it go?”

She huffed out a sound that could only mean frustration and Sam grimaced. Confrontation usually didn’t go very good, but this sounded awful.

“That well, huh?”

“No, no…” she shook her head, red curls swaying around her head elegantly. “He’s… an asshole. He fell asleep on a mission. In a cockpit. When he was piloting. Can’t believe I’m saying this, but God bless Stark’s inventions and auto-piloting,” she grunted and removed the cap of her cup before taking a long sip of her coffee.

She seemed to be gathering thoughts. Sam might not be able to see her eyes, but he did learn to read people. She didn’t like talking about feelings, but she was making an exception. Whether it was because of him, because of his job or because she wished to help her friend so badly, that remained a mystery. Either was pleasing though, the action itself intriguing Sam.

He had given her a lot of thought after their first unconventional meeting. He could not get her out of his head and for a good reason, of course.

He came to a conclusion that… despite her manners, she probably wasn’t a bad person. There were rumours about her past, but everyone had one. She was with the Avengers now, getting clean and the present and willingness to fix mistakes often mattered more than what had been done – especially when it came to a past like her own. Sam had made living by helping people dealing with their past actions and failures; judging her would be a hypocrisy and as far as he knew, he was a killer too. And if it came to it, he would punch, sliced or shot his way out again.

“It’s just… he’s… he’s really at the bottom,” she Natasha spoke softly, emotions lacing her voice. Regret. Compassion. Helplessness. Sam knew all those too well. “Seeing him going from one mission to another just to pass out in exhaustion was bad enough, because I knew it was wrong, but… seeing him drink himself into oblivion? One time only, but it was a nightmare. And seeing Steve doing nothing? Struggling to find a purpose, himself… that’s just…”

“It sucks. But he has a good friend in you. He needs time.”

“I know that, it’s… I wish there was someone hurting him so I could just punch them in their face and call it a day. But that one guy blew himself to hell and the others just… don’t really matter, getting them doesn’t do much help to Steve.”

Sam couldn’t help but smile softly as she said Captain’s name. It held a meaning – he was clearly dear to her and it went way beyond professional relationship. Not that the fact alone that she had shown up at Sam’s apartment the way she had wasn’t enough of an evidence. Not to mention her surprising openness.

“It’s a long way to recovery, Natasha.”

Her first name just slipped past his lips unwittingly, but he didn’t feel like apologizing. The informal space they found themselves in, the honest open conversation… first names suited it better. He was aware he sounded like he was speaking from experience on top of that, but it wasn’t like she didn’t know. She had done a thorough research on him.

As if she agreed with him feeling his surroundings and the atmosphere, she put away her glasses, her green eyes burning with honesty when she met his – he automatically lost the barrier too, because it felt unjust for her to be left… vulnerable like that.

“I’m truly sorry about poking at your past, Sam,”

Sam felt the last remains of hostility towards her resolve. That apology meant more than he had realized it would.

“Thanks. I get it, you know. Being worried for someone so much… he’s gonna be okay, eventually. Scarred, but okay.”

“He could be better than that…” she sighed, leaning onto the backrest of the bench tiredly.

“What was that?”

“When I confronted him on the plane… he told me he had another words,” she revealed hesitantly as if she wasn’t sure if it was her secret to tell.

Sam’s heart positively stopped. Was she telling the truth or was this a game? Did she know about his own too? He swallowed the panic when he saw her resigned gaze.

She wasn’t playing no game.

“Two soulmates. That’s rare,” he remarked, a lump growing in his throat. His palms started sweating and he hated it. Fortunately, Natasha didn’t seem to notice – or she politely ignored it, her voice dry and laced with a bit of irritation.

“He never wants to meet her.”

“That’s not rare.”

Sam would know. He had struggled with the same feeling, after all. He wanted to forget the world existed. He wanted to live peacefully and alone. It was probably no coincidence fate sent him Black freaking Widow as the one – if she was willing, Sam would not be alone. And definitely wouldn’t get ‘peace’.

If he was being truly honest with himself, he wouldn’t be able to say he minded.

“He thinks… he thinks he doesn’t deserve her or something.”

Sam sighed, mentally chuckling at the irony of fate once more. The Universe did have a messed up sense of humour, didn’t it?

“Because he thinks he blew his chance. Because he thinks that he will mess it up again and fail her. And it feels like being unfaithful,” he offered, venting his own feelings for the first time.

He had never told that to anyone, ashamed of the set of words sitting on his other collarbone, appearing shortly after Riley’s death. Why did he tell her of all people? He wanted to question his own actions, he barely knew the woman, but… there was a significant but, wasn’t there?

Her emerald eyes were searching on his face, recognition lighting them up. She fidgeted, something he hadn’t seen her do before and he was sure not many people had either. It was a privilege and while his heart started racing, seeing her nervous eased his own nerves the tinniest bit.

“…yeah. I guess. You… uhm, you dealt with someone like that too?” she asked, looking away, seemingly intrigued by something in the distance.

Sam didn’t buy it and swallowed loudly.

“Just one case in my whole carrier.”

“What did you tell them?” she queried gently, her shoulders tense.

Sam shrugged. He told himself a lot of things, but he wasn’t certain they were all presentable.

“Never figured it out. First, the meeting with his other soulmate was a bit unconventional. He kinda hated her,” he admitted, glancing at her with the corner of his eye. She gave almost an inconspicuous nod, her gaze casted down. She took it as a rejection, he realized. “Then he started thinking and realized she wasn’t too bad. He’s still struggling to make up his mind – whether he should try. Whether she would want to. She would be a catch though, no doubt,” he lighted it up, biting the inside of his cheek right after.

Was he really trying to flirt now?

One corner of her lips rose in a smirk. “Somehow I doubt that. Sounds like a bitch.”

Sam wanted to chuckle at the joke, but then her eyes lifted to him and his heart just… stopped, the amused sound stuck in his throat. He had to clear it to be able to speak up, but it did nothing under the intensity of her gaze.

“Not to me. Not anymore.”

Natasha licked her lips – and Sam would lie if he claimed he did not mirror the motion instinctively – and finished her drink.

“Wouldn’t do that if I were you, huh? That must have been a pleasant surprise when it appeared,” she stated, a hint of amusement along with relief that the secret, the whatever that had been hanging between them, was finally addressed.

Sam snorted, not necessarily because he found his next statement funny.

“Yeah and I bet growing up in Russia and have an English soulmark must have been walk in a park.”

Good, there was so much sarcasm in his voice he might even feel ashamed. But the redhead – his second soulmate, holy shit, it really happened – didn’t seem to be offended.

“Wow, this almost beats the way Steve met his and that was some story….”

“Yeah, I bet.”

Silence fell on them then, both of them unsure how to continue and where to go from here. They found each other – their other half, supposedly, but no one could tell the outcome.

She was an Avenger. Sam was a therapist, a veteran at ridiculously young age, because he had lost his partner. They had a perfect example of how wrong it could go, served on silver plate – it was how they had met for God’s sake. But once again – Sam would lie when saying he didn’t miss some of the adrenalin. He did. A lot, actually.

The reason he had left the field was his soulmate. Was there any better reason to get back in when the need would rise, than another soulmate?

“Do you want to explore this?” Sam broke the uncomfortable silence, lacking the courage to look at her expression. The tension in her shoulders he could almost feel told him enough. He didn’t want to see her rejection. Did he want to see her agreement though?

“Do you?” she hummed back, staring ahead just like him.

“That’s the million dollar question.”

Riley had been… his everything. But could he ignore something like this? Could he ignore the opportunity, a woman who was no doubt fabulous and he was already finding interesting and that apparently was matching his sense of humour? Did he believe in fate? Did he have the right to try again?

Deep down, Sam knew he had already made his mind about it. Now it only depended on her.

“But I keep telling everyone to move on,” he mused out loud, catching her gaze. “Try to live. Some do. Neither of them had the… advantage of having another soulmate if we can call it that.”

Small smile appeared on Natasha’s lips, new twinkle lighting up her eyes and Sam knew he had made the right decision, no matter the outcome.

He didn’t complain when she rose to her feet to clearly leave though – they had enough to deal with today, they needed more time to think of how to approach this.

“Okay. Okay then… You have my number. Call me,” she offered simply, saying goodbye only with a nod and spun on her heels.

“Oh, I will!”

She casted a flirty grin over her shoulder and Sam found himself smiling.

“Hey, you bowl?” he blurted out the first idea that came to his mind and this time she stopped in her tracks, her smile turning almost wolfish. It might have done a thing to his crotch.

“I do, but you can’t run crying when I beat you!” she smirked and gave him a wink, hips swaying as she left him behind.

His laughter sounded like a soundtrack to her catwalk.

Cheeky lady. Sam kinda liked her.

༻༺༻༺༻ღ༺༻༺༻༺

Part 11

༻༺༻༺༻ღ༺༻༺༻༺

Thank you for reading!

We’ll be leaving Stevie next time, coming back to our wayward sons and daughter (...that’s a spn reference, if any non-fan is confused). We’re getting closer, y’all!

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ghostkawa · 3 years

Text

Eternal Soulmates (Kuroken)

TW! CANCER, SUICIDE, SELF HARM

MAIN CHARACTER DEATH

Soulmates, a factious topic, truly. Many were sceptical, whether they truly existed. How could one possibly know if they were in the same timeline as their soulmate, the same universe, perhaps? What if you had multiple chances to find your soulmate and live out your eternity with them, however long that may be? Or perhaps, if you had already crossed your soulmate but things hadn't been right, could you try again? It sounded like a dream. Kuroo sometimes believed he was, actually dreaming. Pinching himself as he sat in class, no- he was absolutely awake. Ouch. Kuroo wondered if you had endless chances, or perhaps each person was assigned a set amount of chances - possibly based on their worth, their past lives, how good they'd been? No, no, he wasn't in The Good Place, things didn't work like that. Surely, you didn't have eternal chances-

"Tetsurō. The answer to number four, please." The teacher asked, pulling him immediately from his thoughts.

"Uh- Seventeen?" The hesitant voice came,

"Pay attention or you'll be in detention." A stern reprimanding voice followed. So it wasn't seventeen, great. It felt like hours but what was only fifteen minutes did eventually pass and Kuroo was free from the hell that was maths.

"Oi, Kitten!" Kuroo called when he spotted the small blonde on his way to the gym. Kenma froze up hearing his name, turning and breaking into a smile when he saw his childhood best friend racing over. Kuroo noticed immediately, however, the way Kenma's eyebrows were knit together, and his breathing seemed laboured. That wasn't right.

"Hey, Kitten, you doing alright?" He asked as he caught up, worrying lacing through his words. Of course, Kenma was quick to nod his head,

"hmm? Yeah, I'm fine. Just, chest hurts a little." He insisted, promising that he was fine for practice.

He wasn't. The last thing Kenma remembered was setting to Lev, feeling his chest tighten as his heart thumped painfully in his chest - a panic attack? He'd had plenty of those but this, this felt different. Something was wrong- he needed to get to Kuroo, and quick. He didn't make it through, as his body slumped down into a cold heap on the floor, out cold. He awoke to white walls, panic spreading through him as he tried to sit up, but a large hand immediately pushed him back down, very gently. Kenma's eyelids felt heavy, they were hard to open and even harder to keep open. The first thing he saw was wires- so many wires and a- a tube? Why was it attached to his face- his nose?

"Hey, hey, Kitten, you're okay. Just relax, relax for me." Came those sweet, reassuring words from his childhood best friend, as Kuroo made a pathetic attempt to wipe those tears from his cheeks with shaky hands.

"Kuro? What's wrong with me?" Came that small, shaky voice, more tears slipping down Kuroo's cheeks. Still trying to come to terms with the news himself.

"Baby, we're going to get you help, I promise. I love you, I'm not leaving you," Kuroo started but was cut off by Kenma, reaching out for his hand. Gently, he took the small boys shaking hand in his own, holding it tight, pressing soft kisses into his fingers,

"what is it, Kuro?" He asked again. Kuroo needed a moment to breathe, he felt selfish for that, all things considered now.

"Lung cancer." That was all he could say, tears dripping down his cheeks. Kenma was silent. He couldn't find any words to say, how could he? Suddenly, his world was falling on him, he felt like he was suffocating. That lump in his throat was tight and painful, as he stared up at the ceiling. He felt numb.

But, he'd have another chance, right? Another chance with Kuro? Surely they had another life, after this one. Another lifetime. If this one didn't work out, they could try again. He tried so hard to convince himself that this couldn't possibly be their last. He didn't know he was crying until Kuroo was gently wiping the tears from his cheeks.

"Hey, hey, relax, you're alright baby. We're going to get you better, we will." Kuroo insisted. They had to, Kenma had to get better.

It was comforting though, knowing that they had another chance after this lifetime. Kuroo knew, deep down, that Kenma was his soulmate and Kenma knew it too, even if they hadn't discussed it, they didn't need to. They were wordless but their love said it all for them.

As the weeks progressed, Kenma became frailer and frailer, sicker by the day. His lithe body wasn't coping well with chemo and, it didn't seem to be working either. Well, they had that confirmation when the nurses gently spoke with Kuroo,

"you should have a conversation with him and his family, about where he'd be most comfortable."

The dreaded comfort talk. Where Kenma would go to die, are the words they sugar-coated. Of course, they chose Kenma's home, where Kuroo was now staying, well- he was staying until-

He'd promised he wouldn't leave, so he wouldn't.

"Kuro?" Came a small voice, pulling Kuroo from the current movie they were watching together, curled up on the couch. Kenma had, for some reason, taken to sleeping on the couch rather than his bed. Who was Kuroo to deny that of him now? He'd give Kenma the entire world if he could.

"Hm, Kitten? Are you okay?" Kuroo asked softly, looking down at the sick boy who lay on the couch, his head in Kuroo's lap, Kuroo gently massaging soft circles into the boys head. He'd gotten away with not shaving his head, but it was definitely thin and Kuroo was terrified to run his fingers through it.

"We were soulmates, weren't we?"

"We are, Kitten. We always will be." Kuroo replied to the soft question, the tense making him frown, what did he mean 'were'? Did Kenma know something he didn't? Surely not. This wouldn't be the end even if it was- they had another chance.

Kenma knew otherwise.

"Yeah, we always will be," the small voice corrected himself, causing Kuroo to look back down at him, smiling softly to see the boy looking somewhat relaxed, his hand moving to run gentle circles into his usually sore chest when it hit him. His chest wasn't rising and falling, with those quiet wheezes. It was-

It was still.

A scream tore from his lips, Kuroo trying desperately to awake the small, lithe, now still figure in his lap. The day felt unreal. Kuroo pinched himself, over and over, as he sat in the hospital waiting room. It hurt. He was alive. He didn't want to be awake, he didn't want to be alive, what he'd give to trade places with the poor, sweet soul right now. Kenma never deserved any of this. He didn't even get to tell him he loved him one final time, although, in his heart, he knew Kenma would always know how Kuroo truly felt, how much Kuroo loved Kenma, his love was endless, just like they were supposed to be.

'We have another chance. We have to, of course, we do.'

They were the only words getting him through now. Getting him through the pitying looks as Kenma was announced dead, getting him through his funeral.

Akaashi and Bokuto were by Kuroo's side the entire time, trying to console the man, but, Kuroo never shed a tear. He couldn't feel anything. He felt numb, empty, like Kenma had taken everything with him, robbed him of his entire being. He'd taken his heart with him, he knew that much. Kuroo felt hollow inside. His speech at Kenma's funeral was a shaky one.

"He was my soulmate, he'll forever be my soulmate and in another life, I know, I know we will have our eternity." The words came out like begs, pleads to the universe, as if somebody up there would hear him, perhaps take pity on his poor, broken soul. Or maybe they were up there laughing at him, as they robbed him of the one person he lived for. The one person he found a reason to carry on for. Now nothing felt worth his energy, or existence. Kenma had become his everything and now, without everything, he was nothing.

Akaashi and Bokuto forced Kuroo to stay with them, they knew deep down what Kuroo would try, they took it in turns to be on Kuroo watch but, someone the boy slipped through their fingers, one Friday night.

"You'll be okay, right? We'll be back in half an hour Kuroo. Please, we love you, get some food, settle down for the night," Akaashi spoke, in a tone so gentle he was barely audible.

"I'll be okay, go, I'll see you both soon," Kuroo spoke as they left, and he walked back into his home, trudging back to the spare room. He wondered if maybe he should return to Kenma's home, have one final look at the memories, maybe return to his own home- but facing his own family was far too painful to even comprehend. He knew they'd lecture him about uni and his future but none of that mattered anymore.

Maybe he was selfish, maybe he wasn't well himself. They had another chance, they were soulmates. If he just ended his own life here, they might start another at the same time, they could grow old together, spend their eternity together. What Akaashi had never expected, was to return home with Bokuto and find Kuroo, sobbing on the bathroom floor. Surrounded by pills and deep cuts into arms that didn't bleed. He couldn't die.

Kenma knew that Kuroo was on his final chance.

He'd left Kuroo, to live his eternity, without his soulmate by his side.

#kuroken #kenma #kuro #kenma kozume #kuroo tetsurou #tw suicude #tw self half #tw cancer #main character death #sickkenma #sick kenma #soulmates #haikyuu #one shot

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johannesviii · 4 years

Text

So I guess I’m hyperfixating on Death Stranding at the moment

And since I’ve finally finished the story after playing it for like 100 hours over the course of seven months or so I guess I have Opinions(tm) about things I didn’t like in the game

They’re eating at my brain so I’m gonna put them all in a single post to get them out of my system once and for all so I can enjoy the rest in peace

Spoilers, obviously

Hi welcome back to ‘Johannes is obsessing over yet another video game with horror elements in it’! I guess!!

Our latest entry in that category was Until Dawn but since UD can be played in like 6/7 hours and I spent 100 hours of my life on DS, as you can guess we’re talking about a full-blown hyperfixation, the kind that physically hurts because I can’t focus on anything else even after having finished the storyline

But it was super gradual. Again, seven months. I barely made any progress from December to May because I was only doing side-deliveries at the beginning of Chapter 3 instead of... you know... advancing the plot. It became an honest-to-god special interest about two months ago, then 6 days ago while playing chapter 10 it reached hyperfixation levels and now I am in PAIN

I hate my brain

Anyhow

At first I wanted to list the good and the bad hings in it but there’s too many good things to list them all in full, excruciatingly long details, so

Very Quick And Very Incomplete List Of Good Things That I Love

It’s a post-apo game based on travel, logistics, and good will, and it straight up goes AGAINST the whole ‘survival of the fittest’ trope that SO MANY post-apo things try to push!! YES

I insist but it’s built on helping each other and keeping everyone alive, seriously that is my shit right there!

The online community is wholesome?? People leave stuff everywhere, you never see anyone but people put little helpful signs and send you likes, and in my game we almost managed to repair all the roads together

There’s so many new & strange allergies and disabilities and phobias in this post-apo world and? nobody is trying to ““fix”“ anyone?? Like Heartman with his padded floor and his little box that brings him back to life constantly. He’s just... living like that. Nobody’s going “hey maybe you should get another heart operation buddy”

The hero and his phobia of being touched. I. Loved. That. The quiet scenes when he was just talking with Fragile, sitting next to her. In any other context this would just be two people sitting next to each other and talking but it always feels so soft and intimate everytime he allows another human being to just. be next to him. I love it. I love them

Everyone crying constantly because of chiral allergy!!

I loved all the important characters bar one (Bridget/Amelie)!

Why is this walking simulator so enjoyable why am I enjoying the fact that holding L2 + R2 while walking feels like holding your backpack and that you have to relax at times just like you’d have to if you were actually holding a backpack

Seriously. Why

The atmosphere was so great, the music was fantastic and the visuals were on point. A E S T H E T I C

The ghosts!! The giant Beached Things!!! Chiral crystals look! like! creepy hands reaching for the SKY!!

THE RAIN DESTROYS THINGS AND KILLS PEOPLE BY ACCELERATING TIME THIS IS SO COOL SHUT UP

Everytime the game got surreal it was electrifying

THE SURREAL WAR SCENES ON CLIFF’S BEACH

Everyone is using emojis

There’s guys addicted to delivering packages in that game and they’re trying to steal our stuff and we’re like “haha they’re dumb” but we’re basically addicted to delivering packages as the player. So yeah that was pretty fun

Terrorists thinking humanity isn’t going extinct fast enough and wanting to just rip the bandaid and speed things up. Simple but effective concept

People ask for SUPER VITAL ITEMS right next to completely trivial stuff and I’m LIVING for it. “Please fetch my toy dinosaur”. I feel you dude

The most isolated characters are like "LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THIS THING I LIKE" in your emails because they haven't had contact with other humans in years, it's super relatable

There’s a farm where people use the fact that Timefall rain accelerates time to grow food super quickly in one (1) Timefall and harvest everything just before it starts to die and I LOVE that detail of worldbuilding so much

YOU’RE FIGHTING BEACHED THINGS WITH YOUR OWN BODILY FLUIDS IT’S SO STUPID BUT ALSO SO COOL?? I love yeet-ing my own blood at eldritch entities

THE T W I S T S

All the fanservice (bar one detail that I’m gonna complain about later) is on dudes. This game reeeeeeally likes to show dudes naked or somewhat naked. Mostly the main character but this mocap also L O V E S Mads Mikkelsen and there’s a shit ton of homoerotic shots in there

I love Sam the antisocial papa wolf delivery man and if someone touches him or his baby again, I will cry

LOU. LOU LOU LOU PRECIOUS BABY I’D DIE FOR YOU. Wait I did

I love Fragile and how brave she is and how she keeps helping people even if most of them wrongly think she’s a terrorist and yes I will eat this cryptobiote thank you

I love soft science boi Heartman who keeps dying again and again and is a bit too much interested in bodily fluids

I love garbage man Higgs and how complex, funny and still somewhat tragic this memelord actually turned out to be in the end

Seriously I want to stop fixating on this character but you can’t give me YET ANOTHER character who wants to die but at the hands of someone else, that is unfair to do that right after my fixation on the new Doctor Who Master

So yeah Higgs is yet another character who makes me want to grab him by the lapels and shake him and yell WHY! ARE! YOU! LIKE! THIS! STOP! BEING! LIKE! THIS!!

Cliff broke all three of my feelings beautifully and in excruciatingly well-acted scenes that transcended the sometimes lackluster dialogue

John made me cry during That Scene

Mama your background was tragic and terrifying and you didn’t deserve any of this shit and I love you

Deadman was more funny than anything, really, but I still liked him even if he had no sense of personal space whatsoever and it clashed horribly with Sam’s phobias

The ending had some sad parts but was mostly positive, thank goodness

Now I’m gonna explain things I dislike and this looks long but it’s actually only 5 main things so I bolded them to avoid confusion

Things I really disliked (and could have been handled wayyyy better)

We all know it but Kojima isn’t a master of subtlety and some parts of the dialogue kept repeating the same informations again and again AND AGAIN and I was like “ok ok I get it”

The dialogue can be so bad at times seriously

Kojima is a bad writer there I said it

It was particularly annoying with Amelie/Bridget and the fact she’s a horrible person trying (and failing) to justify her actions wasn’t helping

Bridges protocols are incredibly intrusive. All of them. I know it’s framed as bad and Sam hates being spied on all the time and in the end he destroys the device that does that, but I wish someone else would openly criticise it in-game

I guess Deadman sort of did but still

Also I know the whole BB technology was Bridget’s idea, and since she’s the actual villain it’s framed as a twisted, evil thing during the ending, but I wish that had been framed like that much earlier ; a lot of Bridges employees just... seem to accept the idea that their employer is using premature babies and their dead mothers as useful, if disturbing, devices. They seem to justify it by “uh we stole that technology from terrorists” to try to cope with the idea but... yeah.

I mean, one of the points being made very early on is that Sam sees his BB as his child who must be protected at all costs instead of a detection device, but I really wish he wasn’t the only one to object to that thing

Again, the game DOES frame "using babies and their dead mothers as tools” as evil and twisted, I just wish it was given a lot more weight and way sooner

Now let’s talk about the Token Straight(tm) in this game

In any other kind of context it would be a joke! But Death Stranding literally has a Token Straight Guy!

I mean, there IS a few hetero couples among the Preppers. Not a lot, mind you. Like, there’s the Montaineer and his wife for instance. But they’re just there and it’s not what their side plot is about

No I’m talking about this piece of shit right there

This f█cking Junk Dealer guy complains the girl he loves is dead because of Bridges and emotionally blackmails us by sending us old holograms of her before her supposed death (somewhat disturbing holograms too because she looks... pretty young in them), then he sends us on what’s essentially a suicide mission in a BT infested zone, THEN when we give him proof she’s still alive and living in another bunker nearby, he won’t go there himself to check??

But SHE’s like “ok, bring me to him, then!”

He doesn’t deserve you, girl

I’ve already seen several people pointing out that carrying a woman as cargo on your back is... debatable at best and sexist at worst, but that part didn’t really bother me to be honest? She asked to be carried to him and it’s her choice. She was talking to us the entire way too, so that made things a lot less awkward. Also Sam has this phobia of being touched by other people so I bet carrying another human being on his back isn’t fun for him. It was also super stressful to do, to be honest.

And then there’s this EXTREMELY AWKWARD scene when they’re reunited and decide to get married, and thankfully Sam finds it just as awkward as we do because he’s standing super far away from the bunker in a “can’t they talk about this later - I’m right there” way. And I’m under the impression it was intended as cringy, in a “yeppp young people in love are Like That” sort of way, so I can accept that, to be honest. If you don’t take that scene seriously, it’s pretty fun in, again, a cringy sort of way

BUT

Then you receive more emails later and this piece of shit guy complains about her and he’s like “ugh WOMEN” or “marriage is the worst” and they end up divorced in record time and she goes back to her bunker

Which isn’t my problem with this subplot either, I promise I’m gonna explain myself eventually but this context is important. It’s okay to have characters who are pieces of shit like this guy who reeks of incel cologne. It’s alright. Not every character has to be a role-model. It’s good to have characters you can hate.

BUT THEN they get back together later to try to patch things up and you learn he was part of a gang who murdered her parents even though he protected her against the rest of the gang and that’s what I hated about that storyline. I guess if you squint it can be read as “this woman is making REALLY BAD life choices” but I read it as “he saved her so she owes him something, he can’t be entirely bad” and y i k e s this left such a bad taste in my mouth, good lord.

But yeah miss Chiral Artist you’re making really bad life choices please get away from this dude as soon as you can, thank you

Also don’t do this ‘sending Likes’ pose ever again, it was hilarious but also you made me use the word “cringy” several times in this paragraph even though I absolutely hate cringe culture, look what you made me do

Now I have to talk about a scene that was intentionally disturbing as hell but ONE (1) detail in it was disturbing for the wrong reasons

To be honest, I really don’t like the Metal Gear Solid games and one of the reasons is the rampant sexism in them so I... was kind of bracing myself for Death Stranding and expecting it to have at least SOME really bad fanservice with a woman at one point or another but to my surprise?? There was none? All the fanservice is on dudes??? Hello? I really liked that (well at some point Fragile takes a shower in our room but we see literally nothing except her shoulder and then Sam looks away)?? What a refreshing change

THAT BEING SAID

And if you played the game you know exactly what I’m about to talk about

Yep this is the part where Johannes complains about how the bomb flashback was shot

Ok so I guess I should also give some context in case someone is reading this but hasn’t played the game, but the deal with this scene is that our friend Fragile was betrayed by her colleague Higgs who used to be a porter but became a terrorist after meeting the “main“ villain of the game. First he secretly put a thermonuclear bomb in one of her deliveries so she’d nuke an entire city without even knowing it, and everyone after that thought she was a terrorist. And then he tried to do that shit A SECOND TIME, but she noticed and decided to toss the second nuke into a bottomless lake of tar. But he caught her just before she reached the lake and he decided to give her a sadistic choice, which was “teleport away and the bomb stays there and nukes the city, or carry it to the lake but only in your underwear under this rain that speeds up time and it will do enormous damage to your health and your body”

And of course being the hero she is, she decides to take the second option

And it’s an incredibly disturbing scene and it’s genuinely hard to watch

But it’s also the ONLY time a woman is in her underwear in this entire game and there’s A COUPLE of shots that were male-gaze-y at the beginning before she started to run and the really horrific part started.

So in a way I guess it could have been worse? way worse, even

But it still tarnishes an otherwise disturbing (and harrowing at times ; seriously I know I’m oversensitive but it was physically painful to watch) scene with unnecessary shots

We know Fragile had a young body before this happened, this isn’t the point of this scene, guys

Whoever decided to keep these shots (probably Kojima let’s face it), that is bad and you should feel bad

Idk how to do a visual transition for that next one because I do not want to screen that memo

So here’s a screenshot with a nice landscape instead

tw: acephobia

Now I have to talk about something I like the GENERAL IDEA of, but not how the IN-GAME MATERIAL ABOUT IT was written

Because I have to talk about that “asexual world” memo

First I have to say that I absolutely love the fact that a mainstream game openly says in-game “this future is full of asexual people" and?? it’s just that, it’s a part of this world. That’s just how things are. It’s normalised. I love it. For crying out loud this memo has the word demisexual in it. I can’t think of any other mainstream game that had this word in it so far.

It should have stopped there and let me enjoy that in peace but it didn’t

THE MEMO ITSELF WAS CLEARLY WRITTEN BY SOMEONE WHO DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THESE CONCEPTS and there’s some really bad stuff there. I’d say it’s accidental acephobia but it’s still there. I’m not the best person to talk about this because I’m bi, but it still rubbed me the wrong way

The words this memo uses near the beginning are “"sexless lifestyle” among young people” and yikes, my dude. “Lifestyle”, uh? Really?

And then it goes on about how these new labels were already more and more common “among young people before the Death Stranding” and it also rubs me the wrong way, in a “wow young people and their weird labels lol” sort of queerphobic way?

However I’ve seen a post pointing out that the line “One theory posits that the Stranding accelerated the proliferation of these sexualities” was maybe a way of saying ‘yo asexuals are causing the end of the world’ but... I don’t see it, tbh? In the context of the game, society is extremely divided and a lot of people live in complete isolation and social norms have heavily shifted and it’s kind of normal that there’s queer people visible everywhere now, aces included obviously, because nobody’s bothering to hide it anymore. It’s a post-apocalyptic world! People are just being themselves! A lot of characters also seem to be bi/pan! They’re just vibing ok

At least that’s how I read that part, I can understand if someone had a problem with that bit but I didn’t

BUT! THAT’S NOT ALL because the memo concludes (I’m paraphrasing) “the birth rate has dropped, which might be a problem, but harassment and assault have also dropped, which is good, so idk it’s 50/50″ and. like. I get the intention. But it’s clumsy as hell and very bad. Please don’t confuse abuse of power and attraction. They don’t go hand in hand. Don’t do that. Please. And you know that aces can have kids if they want to, right. Come on. It’s 2020 my dude. This shit is harmful

Also. Like. It’s the end of the world in this game. People don’t want kids. It... has nothing to do with aces. Reality itself is crashing down. People are reluctant to have kids because reality.exe might f█cking crash down at any given moment!

Or a Beached Thing could VoidOut their city!

Or someone might send them a nuke, not naming names!!

Anyway!!!

It’s really badly written and whoever wrote it should educate themselves and maybe get an ace to re-read their stuff next time??

Again I’m not the right person to talk about acephobia and I bet an actual ace would have plenty more to say about this

Thankfully it’s a memo written in-game by a random Bridges councellor and NOT by any important character that we actually know

"I must preempt myself by admitting that I do not have any empirical data" yeah so, f█ck off maybe

So I’m just gonna call that guy “another piece of shit character” but it still doesn’t excuse the fact that the memo was written by someone who thought it was a good idea to put it in the game

Just let me enjoy my super queer post-apo world in peace and don’t write shit like that in your game thank you and goodbye

Minor stuff I also disliked but it wasn’t as awful

I get that Sam is upset at the end because Lou is dying but the way he said goodbye to Fragile broke my heart. It was abrupt and you KNOW he’s upset and wants to have nothing to do with Bridges anymore and that’s very understandable but it isn’t her fault

Seriously I want them to be friends again

I’m gonna pretend they’re friends again after Lou is saved and that Sam is a freelance porter again and sometimes their paths cross and they just talk together in the middle of nowhere and share cryptobiotes

The pacing is weird, there’s this deluge of plot in the beginning and the end but not much in the middle?

The BT boss fights could have been these epic Shadow of the Colossus showdowns but no, they were relatively standard boss fights. Wasted opportunity

The running on the Beach scene sdfghjhgfdsdfghjhgf that was... dumb

A lot of preppers are interesting in one way or another but some are just boring. Also I wish the design of their bunkers was more varied

Amelie/Bridget’s motivations are all over the place, both creating Bridges AND the Demens is... a lot? I know she both WANTS and DOESN’T want the actual, final end of the world to happen but that is a lot to take in and it’s all very confusing

Who the hell cares about ‘rebuilding America’ I just want to build a network where people can help each other

The ‘likes’ are fun but don’t make much sense

In conclusion

Death Stranding Good

Some stuff Bad

Some stuff Very Bad (but it’s just one memo out of 100+ memos, thank god)

I’m still hyperfixating

Send help

#death stranding #long post #eye contact tw #acephobia tw #from a minor unamed character but still it's there

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myheartrevealedocs · 4 years

Text

Untouchable Ch 8- Keeping a Secret

Warnings: mentions of death (suggestion of suicide?), discussion of graphic injuries for like two lines, discussion of mental illness

Ch 7 | Ch 9

~ ~ ~

“You nervous?” Lydia whispered as she walked past her fidgeting date for the evening. “The-always-punctual-Dr-Reid?”

He jumped, looking at her with rounded eyes. “Uh… hey!”

A smile tugged at her lips. God, he looked so small sitting there. He was actually terrified.

“Hey.”

“How’s, uh… How’s your schoolwork going?” He was blinking at a rapid rate as if he couldn’t believe she was there. As if any minute now, she’d disappear and he’d once more be alone at a table for two.

“It’s been good. I’ve been putting off on stuff for the past few days after… everything. So, I’ll need to catch up. Hopefully, by then, I’ll have your help again.”

“You don’t need my help,” he argued.

She could tell he was new at this. So was she, of course, but she’d known Spencer for some time now. It’d been almost a full year since she met him and they’d been working together for over seven months. She figured this would be like any other time they’d met. She just had to show him that them going out together didn’t change anything.

She rolled her eyes. “Maybe not. But I enjoy being with you.”

Finally, he let go of some of his jitteriness. “I was so happy you wanted my help,” he admitted. “I couldn’t wait to hang out with you.”

“Me too.” She stuck out her tongue, teasingly. “I’m glad we can hang out now without the pretense of me needing help.”

“Lydia is this all… I’m just not sure I really believe that you wanted to go out with me.” He fumbled over his words, a pink flush gracing his cheeks.

“Spencer, I’m pretty sure my exact words were ‘I’m not going out with you unless-’”

“‘I’m not going to get food with you unless it’s a date’,” he corrected. “I know, but maybe you knew I wanted to ask you out and only said that to make me feel better.”

Before she could think better of it, she reached across the table to grab his hand and said, “You gave me a book of Sherlock Holmes stories and told me I reminded you of the main character. Believe me, you’ve had my whole heart since that moment.”

His words caught in his throat and his eyes travelled down to their piled hands. Just as he had when she’d done that the last time, he slowly flipped his hand over, so that her fingers rested in his palm and his thumb could slide over her knuckles. For a moment, he hovered over the ring that she wore when she was off work. The one she’d told him belonged to her father.

“Have you read any of them?” he asked, softly.

“Of course. I was going to call you to discuss them, but you were on vacation so I didn’t want to bother you.”

“You couldn’t have bothered me,” he insisted. “I was happy to get your call… until I found out what it was about.”

“Yeah… that last case was tough. But at least some good came out of it!”

He raised an eyebrow. “Like…?”

“Hotch offered me a job.”

His jaw dropped. “He did? You're going to be working with us full-time now?”

She shook her head. “Not exactly. But I won’t be an intern anymore and I’ll have more freedoms. I still have to convince Strauss I’m fit for the team, but after that, I’ll be contracted out for cases. I’m like your guys’s hireable forensic expert!”

He squeezed Lydia’s hand gently. “That’s amazing!”

They settled into comfortable conversation for the rest of the night. The food was great, as she figured it would be since Spencer liked the restaurant so much, and when they were finished, he offered to walk her home.

The spring air was still cold and she wasn’t used to the temperature compared to California. They walked in silence for most of the night, Lydia looking around at the buildings. All the months she’d been living there and she really hadn’t taken the time to commit anything nearby to memory. But now that she was planning on taking up Hotch’s offer, Virginia could end up being a permanent home.

Oh god, Rebecca was going to kill her, she thought suddenly. She was going to insist she was abandoning her like their parents had.

Abandoned. She hated to think of it that way, but that’s why her and her sister had always stuck so close. They were all they had left.

“Hey, Spencer?” she began, nervously. “Do you want to know what happened to my mom?”

“Lydia, you don’t owe me-”

“No,” she interrupted. “I’m okay with telling you, I promise. There’s no… pressure on me to say, but I…” She sighed. “I feel like someone should know. And I don’t mean ‘know’ as in read the new articles Garcia came across when she did a background check on me. I mean understand.” She looked down at her hands and Spencer knew without even looking, that she was twisting her ring around her finger like she was winding up a toy. “It was kind of a… complicated matter.”

“Complicated?”

“My mom was bipolar. I don’t remember a lot about her, but of what I do picture, it’s almost like I had two mothers. When she was on a decline, she wasn’t anything like my mother. She was hollow and distant and I couldn’t understand it.

“And, when I was ten… I was the one to find her body. She’d overdosed on her meds. Bupropion to be exact. And it became somewhat popular around town, because no one could tell if it was a suicide or an accident… I don’t even know. Local papers were speculating about it and some people even thought it could have been a murder.

“People wouldn’t leave us alone for the longest time, trying to find evidence that proved their theories. It was really hard on my dad and, of course, that’s approximately when my anger issues started to manifest and I was acting out and being a real piece of shit. So, you know, no help. And the doctors basically said that that was the first sign of her giving her depression to me.”

His eyes started to water. “Lydia-”

“I’m not telling you this because I think it makes us even, Spencer. Sharing your past isn’t like trading cards. But, after finding out about your mom, I wanted you to know that I understand. I really do. You’re terrified of turning out like her. And you feel guilty, because you love your mother, even with her disorder. But watching her live with it for all those years and-” She stopped herself, feeling her own emotions get the better of her. “I don’t think I’m strong enough. If I turn into that… I don’t think I’ll survive.”

She shut her eyes and stopped walking, waiting for him to tell her that she was wrong about him. Maybe she didn’t really understand. She’d assumed a lot and there were so many different factors, but it felt the same. When he talked about his mom, she recognized those emotions.

“Lydia?”

His voice was controlled. Almost forced. She worried he was holding back anger. But after cautiously cracking an eye open, she realized it was tears. He was close to crying. And to be honest, so was she, although none had fallen from either of the pair.

“Can I hug you?”

She tried to muffle a little gasp, before nodding.

His arms wrapped around her shoulders, pulling her into his warm chest and she snaked her arms underneath his jacket to hold him closer. He smelled clean, like detergent, and she had to keep herself from rubbing her face into his soft shirt.

Telling someone about her mother’s death was never going to be easy for Lydia. She hadn’t expected it to be. But Spencer was one of the first people who wasn’t treating her like an alien. She’d lost someone. People die all the time. It hurts like a bitch, but 12 years later and she still could feel a weird air around the topic. No one wanted to bring up what her mother’s death meant for her.

“Thank you,” she breathed. “For listening. And for putting up with me before this when I dodged the subject.”

“When I found you sitting on the floor of the conference room, listening to my mom,” he said, his hold on her not letting up, “I was blown away. I’d never seen anyone other than her doctors be able to talk to her so cleanly. When people realize she’s different, they tiptoe around her like she’s dangerous. And really, she’s not. She never has been, not to anyone else. She’s just… strange.”

“We’re all a little strange,” she comforted, pulling back to look at him, but neither one of them dropping their arms around the other. “And she was absolutely brilliant. No wonder you turned out to be a prodigy.”

He grinned. “She used to be a great literature professor before her mental state began deteriorating. She’d read me historic poetry and writings. I didn’t think anyone in the world could be as amazing as my mom.”

“I can believe it,” she told him sincerely.

They stood there for a moment, then walked the rest of the way to her apartment, arms still wrapped around one another like they were a life raft.

“Do people normally talk about their moms’ mental illnesses on their first date?” Spencer asked, his tone completely serious. “I feel like we jumped the ‘what’s your favorite color’ questions.”

“My favorite color is green,” she informed him. “And this is just a guess, but I don’t think anything about our relationship is or will ever be normal, Spencer. Romantic or not.”

He glanced at her, questioningly. “Is that okay?”

“Perfect.”

~ ~ ~

Lydia’s meeting with Strauss was set a few days later and it went well. At least, according to Hotch, it did. Strauss was… terrifying.

Lydia was ready to collapse from stress as she followed Hotch out of their superior’s office, but once they were a few feet away, he confided that she’d answered all of Strauss’s questions appropriately and fully which was all they could ask for.

“She looked so annoyed,” Lydia admitted, quietly. “I thought I was on trial, not applying for a job.”

“Strauss is…” He hesitated, not sure how to put it lightly. “She can seem like that at times,” he decided.

She nodded, the two of them finally reaching the bullpen. “Well, call me if you hear anything.”

“You too,” he replied before walking away to his office.

Lydia stepped down into the bullpen, deciding to stay a few minutes before heading home. She had something to ask Spencer and if she got this job, she might have to do some more training, which would mean a little while out of the field.

“Hey, kiddo,” Morgan called with a smile as she stepped down.

“Not sure I appreciate the nickname, Derek.”

Spencer spun around at the sound of her voice, but didn’t say anything.

“I call pretty boy here ‘kid’ all the time and technically, he’s not the youngest anymore,” Morgan argued, Lydia stepping up next to them at their joined desk. “You’ve got him beat by three years.”

“Two,” Lydia fired back. “I turned 22 two months ago.

“Oo, a big girl,” he teased. “Tie your own shoes and everything?”

“Why? Do you need help?”

“Sugar!” Garcia cried, entering the bullpen from the opposite direction. “What are you doing here?”

“Spice!” Lydia held out her arms to pull her in for a brief hug.

Garcia gasped in her ear. “I love the nickname,” she said, pulling away. “But you didn’t answer my question.”

“Oh,” Lydia sighed, brushing her hair back. “I’m not sure if this is on the downlow or not, but I was interviewing for a job!”

“What?” Morgan demanded, setting his mug of coffee down firmly. “You’re thinking about leaving us?”

“No!” Garcia argued too. “Who wants you? I’ll sabotage your chances!”

Lydia raised an eyebrow. “Well, that’s scary, because I’m certain you could. Quite easily. But if you don’t want me getting this job, you’ll have to take it up with Hotch or Strauss.”

“Wait a minute,” she said. “You mean it’s a job here? At the BAU?”

“It’ll be no different than before,” Lydia promised. “I’m not here for every case. Hotch just thought it was time I had more freedoms and he’s trying to convince Strauss of that too. I don’t know why anyone would entrust me with that, but if Strauss agrees, I get to carry a gun, so that’s cool.”

“That sounds terrifying,” Morgan disagreed. “Don’t act so excited about getting to use deadly weapons.”

“Noted.” Lydia winked at him and he smirked back. “How’s Elle doing?”

“She’s back home,” Spencer said, speaking up for the first time since she got there. “She won’t be allowed back in the field for a few months, though.”

“That really sucks,” she grumbled. “I saw her place and there was no getting that blood out. She probably had to get the carpet replaced and the wall repainted. And I told Hotch this, but it must have been excruciating.”

“Why’s that?” Morgan asked.

“He wrote on the walls in her blood,” Lydia cried. “How did he get that blood?”

“You think he stuck his fingers into the bullet hole?”

Garcia’s face paled. “Oh no, please don’t say it.”

“He had to.”

Garcia’s hand covered her mouth at Lydia’s words. “Oh god, you said it. I’m gonna be sick.”

The woman scurried off, leaving Lydia with the two profilers. “Sorry, I wouldn’t think Garcia would be squeamish.”

“Very,” Morgan informed her, standing up. “I need more coffee. Be right back.”

Lydia gave him a halfhearted wave, letting him leave before turning on Spencer.

“You’re quiet,” she said, bluntly. “What’s up?”

“I didn’t think I’d see you today.” He shrugged, but Lydia could see straight through him. “I thought you’d be too busy.”

“Yeah… Or you were hoping you wouldn’t see me,” she accused and he panicked.

“It’s not because of you-!” he blurted out.

“You don’t want to tell the team we’re dating,” she figured, interrupting him. “You thought I’d spill the beans.”

“I’m scared!”

“Of telling them? Or of them knowing?”

“Both? I mean, what if you decide I’m a bad boyfriend? I’m not sure I could face the humiliation of them knowing you broke my heart.”

“I doubt you could be a bad boyfriend if you tried,” she argued. “But okay, we can wait as long as you’d like. They are profilers, though. You think they’re going to know?”

He shook his head. “As long as we aren’t holding hands around the bullpen or anything… Everybody's already super close, so us talking is totally normal. They might think I’m crushing on you, but Garcia already caught onto that.”

“Garcia what?” Lydia clamped her teeth shut over her lips to keep from laughing at him, but it didn’t help much. “She profiled that you liked me?”

“Yeah…” he mumbled, embarrassed.

“How long has she known?” Lydia demanded.

“Since… our first case together.”

She didn’t even try to stop her laugh this time. “Dude, there’s no way you’re going to be able to hide this from the team. But I mean, I’m more than happy to try.”

His face turned bright red. “You really think they’re going to figure it out?”

She shrugged, calming herself before Morgan could get back and ask what she was laughing about. “Who knows? Maybe we’ll turn out to be great at keeping a secret.”

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allmycrushesaredead · 3 years

Text

Sad - Chapter 3

https://archiveofourown.org/works/24480694/chapters/67817831

Summary:

Remus offers his advice in his own unique way.

Warnings: suicidal thoughts, self-hatred, self-esteem issues, self-harm, cutting

ANGST!! You have been warned!

Originally published on 10-15-2020

Words: 1605

Chapters: 3/?

Remus had a feeling that Patton wasn’t doing so good up in his head, but he knew better than to worm his sorry ass into a situation he wasn’t wanted in.

Remus had the blessed ability to hear allll the little evil voices in everyone’s heads, not to mention his own demented friends who took up dwellings in the deep, dark crevices of his mind. So it wasn’t too much of a shocker when he started to hear those dreadful dicks coming over from Patton’s brain.

They all whispered darkly, sowing seeds of self-hatred and self doubt. They told Patton he wasn’t loved, wasn’t cared for, wasn’t important.

Just shut up and do your job. No one cares if wittle baby Patton is sad. Why would they care about you? What have you done that deserves love? You literally split Creativity. That was your fault. Your job is to be happy. Suck it up and grow a pair.

Remus wanted to bash their heads in with a blunt axe. He want to chop their heads off, tear out their eyeballs and replace them with candles, then use them to decorate his room. He wanted to—

Well… you get the picture.

And besides, they were just thoughts. He couldn’t do shit to actually harm them, no matter how much he wanted to.

When the thoughts slowly darkened, Remus wanted to rip his own heart out. It hurt too much just thinking about the fact that Patton would even consider following through with his thoughts.

He knew Patton had started cutting. He knew because of those voices that told him to slice his skin like bread whenever he got upset. That didn’t happen unless you already started cutting.

Remus didn’t judge him for doing it though. There was something cathartic about watching your very life source trickle out, to know you had the ability to end it all right there in your hand. The pain forced your brain to shut the fuck up for just two seconds. Remus could understand the appeal. Hell, he’d done it himself more than he could count. Watching the wounds heal in slow motion could silence his brain for hours on end, granting a much needed reprieve from the clashing and yelling of his thoughts.

Remus absentmindedly dragged a nail over his raised scars while he laid in bed, thinking. That was never a good sign. When Remus thought, that meant he was about to do some stupid shit he would regret later.

Today, it seemed like that stupid shit was going to be confronting Patton.

Rolling out of bed, he pulled on his usual outfit, applying his makeup with a practiced hand.

Suddenly, he caught a whiff of coffee and food. Realization blooming on his face, Remus dashed to his bed, plopping down to yank on his boots, then grabbing his morning start. You never know who you’re gonna have to kill over breakfast, he thought, a wicked grin overtaking his features as he skipped down the stairs.

As he skidded to a screeching halt in the kitchen’s entrance, Remus shot Logan, Virgil, and Patton a gap-toothed grin, leaning suggestively against the doorway.

“Morning, dorks!” he shouted, swinging his morning star with one hand.

Virgil rolled his eyes from where he was perched on the counter, though Remus caught a glimpse of a smile from behind his coffee mug. Patton gave a small wave, pulling a coffee mug down from the cabinet, filling it to the brim, then handing it to the side. Logan stared at his coffee mug, the tips of his ears tinged pink. After a moment, he risked a glace at Remus, only to find that Remus was staring at him, a knowing smirk plastered across his face. The normally solemn side blushed a furious red, coughing awkwardly before shuffling out to the dining room. “I’ll… go set the table,” he muttered, face still bright red.

Virgil chuckled lightly before catching Remus’ pointed look. Giving a small, discrete nod, he said, “I’ll go help him, then. Can I take the plates and silverware? Seems like Logan forgot those.”

“Alright, kiddo!” Patton replied. “I’ll just finish up the food. It’ll be ready in just a second.”

As Virgil stepped out of the kitchen, balancing a stack of plates and silverware, Remus stepped away from his spot in the doorway, approaching Patton cautiously.

“Soooo…. about the whole slicey-slicey thing?” Remus probed, miming slitting his wrist.

Patton froze, his shoulders tensing as he paled. “W-what do you mean?”

“Y’know… the whole cutting thing? The whole self-harm thing? The whole cutting your skin open and watching yourself bleed thing? The whole—”

“Nope! Yeah, I… I got it… Just, um… how’d you know… about that?”

“Well, me kinda being the embodiment of intrusive thoughts and all, I can kinda hear all intrusive thoughts from the others… including you.”

“I am so sorry, Remus. If I had known—”

“How could ya have? And, besides, its not like you coulda just not thought the thoughts. It’s kinda the whole reason they’re called intrusive.”

“Still, I don’t want you to have to deal with that on top of what you already have to deal with.”

“It’s part of my job! Besides, I’d rather know what’s going on inside your head so I can… I dunno… help, I guess? Geez, stop making me sound so sappy, you’re gonna ruin my reputation,” Remus said, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly.

“Still…. I’m sorry…”

“It’s fine! You should hear some of the shi- stiff! Stuff… that, uh, Logan has to listen to. Of course he’s got the whole, ‘I’m not good enough’ thing going on, but then he’s got the whole ‘I’m not supposed to have emotions’ thingy, on top of the ‘I’m failing Thomas and the others if I take time for myself’ thing. And that’s not even the worst of it! It’s insane the amount of irrational and self-destructive thoughts he has, considering that he always has a rebuttal for anyone else’s illogical thinking. And don’t get me started on Roman! He—”

“Remus! Wait, please,” Patton cut him off abruptly. “I- I don’t think you should be telling me this, not with out the others knowing. We need to talk about it, but… with the others, m’kay?”

Remus nodded. “Yeah, sorry… I got a little carried away with my train of thought there…” He paused a moment, trying to remember where he was going with this. “I just… I know I’m not the best person to go to for hwlp with stuff like this… In fact, I normally make it worse… but, go to someone when you need to talk? Don’t keep these thoughts bottled up inside. I know I’m kinda being hypocritical here, but… ask someone to help you work through these thoughts. Repression works for a period of time, but eventually you’re gonna have to wake up and smell the cow manure. And, believe me. It’s much easier to face your problems when someone’s there to help you than to go it alone. If you’re hurting, I want to know so I can help. And I know the others feel the same…”

Patton stood in shock for a moment, tears glistening in his eyes. Suddenly, he surged forward, wrapping Remus in his embrace. Remus wordlessly cradled the moral side in his arms, tucking his face into Patton’s neck to hide the glistening of tears in his own eyes. After a moment, Patton pulled away, smiling softly at him. Retrieving their coffee mugs that had both been abandoned on the counter during their discussion, Patton topped them off with fresh coffee before returning the octopus one to Remus.

Gladly accepting the drink, Remus chucked once more. “Geez, my reputation totally just jumped out of the window… of the plane… while in flight…. Anyways, I gotta pull myself together! Can’t have people thinking I’m some sappy, lovey-dovey friend, now can I? Hold up, lemme get back in character.”

Remus began squawking loudly, shaking out his limbs and pulling strange faces. After a moment of this, with Patton giggling from behind his hand, he resumed a somewhat normal expression… at least… normal for Remus… which meant slightly crazed. Cracking his neck loudly, he blurted out, “So, about our resident nerd… that was quite a strange reaction to my presence, don’t ya think?”

Patton giggled again, hugging his mug to his chest. “I’d say!” he replied.

“Oooh! I wonder if Logie-poo has the hots for me!” Remus said with a cackle.

Patton blushed lightly at the phrasing, but pressed on bravely. “I dunno, kiddo! Sure looked strange to me, though!”

Remus gasped dramatically. “I bet he had a wet dream or something, and now he can’t look at me without seeing me in all my naked glory!”

Patton choked on his coffee, his face blooming into a burning blush. He stammered a moment in shock before attempting to change the subject. “You wanna help me carry the food out, bud?” Patton squeaked, fanning his face with one hand.

Remus let out another cackle. “Of course, Patty-pal! I gotta try and eat it all before Roman wakes up! He’ll be pissed!” he replied, sounding delighted at the prospect. To emphasize his point, he scooped a handful of scrambled eggs up with his bare hand, shoveling it into his mouth. “Let’s go! No time to waste!” he called to the still flustered side, somehow balancing all the trays of food in one hand.

“C-coming!” Patton cried, gathering the strawberries and whipped crème.

“That’s what he said,” Remus muttered.

“What was that, Remus?”

“Nothin’, Pops! Nothin’ at all.”

#patton angst #patton sanders #remus sanders #logan sanders #virgil sanders #janus sanders #roman sanders #thomas sanders sanders sides #sanders sides #sanders sides fic #sanders sides fanfiction

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jemmydoolz · 4 years

Text

Edgar Has Always Been Kind of a Bitch

hi okay so it's a little after midnight but I'm posting a fic rn bc it's the first fic I've written in like,, a yr and a half and also I'm rlly excited abt it??

anyway battle buddies/fahc jeremwood angst based on ramblings in a gc

(warning for minor assault implications at the beginning, and brief mentions of a suicide attempt at the end)!!!

Fiona and Gavin decide that what Jeremy needs is a night of bevs, and, to put it simply, get wasted, so the crew settles on going to a club that Friday. Jeremy only has one or two drinks, but boy does he get fucked up.

Ryan’s sitting and talking with Geoff and Jack in a booth, sipping a diet coke. He looks over Jack’s shoulder to see Jeremy standing at the bar with a much taller, more intimidating man looming over him. The guy reaches out toward Jeremy, who leans away from the touch. Jeremy nervously laughs and his eyes frantically dart around for someone, anyone who might be able to help him.

“Hello? Earth to Ryan?” Jack waves her hand in front of Ryan’s face.

“Oh, yeah. Yeah. sorry. Hey, um, I’m gonna go home, I’m just not really feeling great,” Ryan murmurs as he slides out of the booth, already heading toward Jeremy.

“Um, alright, I guess? Drive safe,” Jack calls after him.

Ryan speeds up when he sees the man grab Jeremy’s arm. Jeremy’s face flipped through a thousand emotions at once when he saw Ryan approaching, but eventually landed on confused but grateful. He gave Jeremy a look that said just go with what I’m about to say.

“Hey, babe,” Ryan says. The man immediately drops his grip on Jeremy’s arm. Jeremy does his best not to choke on his own spit when he hears the word babe come out of Ryan’s mouth. He hadn’t heard it in so long, and he didn’t think it would still hurt so much.

“Oh, hey!” Jeremy turns to Ryan and reaches up to peck him on the lips. “Where’d Edgar go? It’s his birthday, I figured he would wanna hang out with his friends!”

Fuck. Mentioning something about their friend ‘Edgar’ was always code for I don’t feel good about this, let’s leave. Edgar’s birthday meant I’m having a panic attack, I need your help. Ryan wanted to punch the guy that was practically feeling Jeremy up. No—he wanted to fucking kill that bastard. He and Jeremy may have had a severe falling out, they may have suffered years of heartache and longing, but he still felt responsible to make sure Jeremy was safe.

“He said he kinda wanted to go home. He went to the bathroom while I found you. You, uh, just about ready?” Ryan’s eyes flitted between Jeremy and the other man, who cleared his throat and mumbled something about needing to go find his friends before walking off.

Jeremy and Ryan both sigh in relief once he’s gone.

“Wanna head outside for some fresh air for a minute?” Ryan asks, getting a meek, obviously shaken-up nod in return.

Jeremy says something that Ryan can’t quite hear over the music as they walk outside.

“Hm?”

“Oh, nothing. It was dumb.” Jeremy shakes his head. Ryan has had enough experience to know that it was better to just leave it alone. They both wordlessly come to a stop and lean against the wall of the building a few yards from the door. Almost as if they had been working as partners for years. They spend a few minutes saying nothing, watching people on the street, looking at the stars in the sky. Ryan can’t help but study the intricacies of Jeremy, realizing that so many things have changed, but somehow almost nothing about him is different. Jeremy’s hair is just a tad bit more grown out than it ever was at the agency (also, it’s bright purple and orange, which is not exactly the most appealing color combination, but that’s a topic for another day), but he still runs his hands through it when he’s lost in thought. It’s curlier than it used to be, but maybe that’s just because it’s longer. He still clenches his jaw so hard it seems like he’s going to break his teeth when he’s scared. He still wears a tank top under his shirt, no matter how hot it is outside. His eyes still crinkle at the corners when he lets out a bark of laughter that Ryan still swears up and down sounds exactly like a squeaky toy. He’s changed, though. Ryan can see in his eyes that he’s become aware of reality. He knows the responsibility he carries, the heavy consequences that come with his actions, that death is around the corner at every moment.

“D’you- d’you want me to take you home?” Ryan says barely above a whisper, but loud enough for Jeremy to hear. “You can go back inside if you want, but I know you always used to want to go home and be alone after Edgar shows up.” Jeremy lets out the tiniest breathy chuckle.

“Edgar has always been kind of a bitch, hasn’t he?” Jeremy says as he looks away from the sky to meet Ryan’s gaze, and his heart falls apart all over again for the thousandth time. That fond look of reminiscence and joy was one Ryan donned frequently at the agency. “I- Yeah. yeah. I’d really appreciate a ride home. I’m just a little too drunk to drive, I think.”

“Alright. I parked just down the street. Penthouse or your apartment?” Ryan hadn’t even noticed that Jeremy did seem somewhat tipsy; his Boston accent slipping in occasionally and his words slurring the tiniest bit.

“Um, apartment,” Jeremy says. “D’you rem-”

“Yes, I remember where your apartment is, Jeremy.”

It’s only a few minutes into the drive to the other side of town when Jeremy pipes up. “I honestly didn’t really expect you to help me. I didn’t expect you to remember Edgar, either. I dunno why I said it, I guess just vaguely hoping you would even though it’s been, what, three years?” he pauses for a moment and just takes in Ryan's profile. “I always hope you remember things from then. I know it went to shit, but we still had so much fun. We made so many memories and did so much dumb shit there. But I’m glad that stupid fuckin’ place collapsed. All of it was complete bullshit. I just wish it all fell apart before we did.”

Ryan doesn’t know how to respond. So he doesn’t.

“All those meetings I had to stay late for? Fuckin’ useless. They served no purpose, and I don't know why I was forced to go to them. I feel like the only reason I had to go to those meetings was because someone was hiding something from me. It was obvious that so many things were kept from us.” Jeremy stops for a second to try to will away the lump rising in his throat. “I thought you were cheating on me. For the longest time. I still don’t know whether you actually were. You were always out on ‘special missions’ and shit.”

The moment Ryan hears Jeremy let out a shaky breath his heart breaks.

“Was it me? Was I not good enough? I promise I tried my hardest to be what you needed. I’m sorry if I wasn’t. All I wanted was the best for you, Ryan. Even now, I just want you to be happy. If you're happier with someone else, then that’s what I want. I don’t blame you, though. I don’t deserve someone like you. You deserve so much better than me. I would do anything for you, Rye. We were together for so long. We did everything together! I thought I was gonna marry you. I was saving up money to get a ring. I guess I was too stupid to see that you didn’t want me anymore.”

Ryan looks over to see the tears staining Jeremy’s cheeks reflecting the soft orange glow of the streetlamps. Is this really what Jeremy thinks?

“I was so in love with you, Ryan Haywood. I’m- I’m still in love with you. I love you so goddamn much it hurts sometimes. Every time I see you hurt, upset, angry, anything other than healthy and happy my heart aches. I’m sorry I wasn't enough. I promise I tried. Fuck, I tried so hard.”

With every sob Jeremy lets out, Ryan's heart breaks just a little bit more. The short distance left until Ryan pulls up to Jeremy’s apartment building is spent wordlessly. Jeremy’s clambering out of the car and reaching to grab the door when Ryan speaks.

“Hey, Jer, do you want me to walk you up? I just want to make sure you’re safe.”

“No. I’m fine. I’ll be fine. I’ve already been a pain in your ass tonight, I don't need to waste even more of your time. I’m sorry. I’m sorry about everything.” Jeremy sniffles and wipes his cheeks, giving a half-hearted smile before shutting the door and walking away.

Ryan sits there for a second, unable to process fully what he just heard. He starts driving without even knowing where he was going, and he’s so lost in his thoughts that suddenly he’s sitting in his car in front of the boardwalk along the beach and crying. He can’t believe anything he was just told—there is no way in hell that the brilliant, witty, talented Jeremy Dooley ever doubts his worth. It’s jarring to think that part of it was because of Ryan. He was going on extra missions because the agency was growing more and more demanding. For months they tormented Ryan with the threat of kicking out Jeremy. They said they’d do other things to him that Ryan doesn’t want to remember. Why did Jeremy never bring it up? Why did he just accept that Ryan had ‘moved on?’ Their lives were so intertwined with one another that Ryan never felt truly whole again. The only reason Ryan went with the break up was that he saw how distant and cold Jeremy had gotten. Ryan had assumed that, for whatever reason, Jeremy had changed his mind. He hated it, he was devastated, but he didn't know how to fix it.

Ryan decides he doesn’t want to go back to the penthouse tonight. He pulls up to the nearest crew safehouse, and suddenly things click.

Jeremy had always struggled with bad self-image and depression. He had gone to Ryan for comfort, which he was always more than willing to give. Jeremy was doing better. At least he told Ryan he was.

Jack had mentioned a while ago that when Jeremy first joined the crew, she had found him after a suicide attempt and barely left his side until he recovered. The only reason for it Jack had told Ryan about was ‘emotional trauma from a past relationship, that he didn’t really want to talk about.’

Ryan did that to him.

Ryan made the love of his life want to die.

The pieces left of his heart fall into more shards than there are grains of sand in this world.

He collapses onto the couch inside, too exhausted to even get to the bed. He knows he’s not going to be able to sleep, though.

To: Geoff

Dropped Jeremy off at his place, he was pretty drunk though so check on him please

To: Geoff

I’m staying at kung fu safehouse for the night

#my fic #holy fuck #i did that !!!#thats a whole ass 1874 words babeyyy!!!!!#fahc #fahc ryan #fahc jeremy #fahc au #angst #battle buddies #fake ah ryan #fake ah jeremy #fake ah crew #fake ah au #minor suicide mention #suicide mention tw #ragehappy

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ice-cream-nekogirl · 5 years

Text

1-800-273-8255 (Class 1-A X Reader)

Major Trigger Warnings: This story contains attempted suicide, mention of suicide and mention of intrusive thoughts, including some inspired by my own, if any of this triggers you, I strongly apologize.

I wrote this a week ago... and at first I couldn’t bring myself to post it because... well I wasn’t sure if I should but... National Suicide Prevention Month is coming up in September so and then school is starting and... sometimes that can be enough to stress anyone out and trigger feelings of anxiety and even depression so... I’m finally posting it for those reasons...

There is a LOT of triggers in this story, I can’t stress that enough it was hard to just write this but... I felt like I had to...

Inspired by feelings I’ve experienced before and sometimes still experience when my intrusive thoughts come back to haunt me.. I also wanted to dedicate this to anyone else who might have felt suicidal, or even just had intrusive thoughts like me, or anyone else who has thought about suicide. You are not alone and you ARE loved.

Again, there’s a lot of triggers in this story so... reader discretion is advised...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cycUHgg0zzU

I've been on the low I been taking my time I feel like I'm out of my mind It feel like my life ain't mine Who can relate? I've been on the low I been taking my time I feel like I'm out of my mind It feel like my life ain't mine...

To be a hero, means being someone who can save people with a smile on their face.

But what if the smile isn’t real? What if it’s forced to try and make people believe that you’re okay and that you can do anything for them?

That was your life. You wanted so desperately to be a hero and to save people with a smile on your face. But none of your smiles were real, and they haven’t been in a very long time. You couldn’t even remember the last time you actually gave a true, authentic smile.

Yet here you were, in UA, the famed school for young heroes in training; the same school you sacrificed sleep, food and time to study for and prepare for just to get in. It’s a pressure you’ve been putting on yourself since the beginning, constantly trying your best to fulfill your expectations, for you, for your family, for other things you wanted to do good in.

And it was stressing you out, and every single time you tried something, you felt inadequate, especially to your classmates. Their smiles were real and you kind of hated them for it, and then you went back to hating yourself for thinking like that.

You loved your friends. You especially loved your best friends Izuku, and Ochako, Iida, Tsuyu, Todoroki, Kirishima… all of them, and your classmates each had a special place in your heart. Maybe not Mineta that much, but it’s not like you wished ill on the guy, he just seriously needed to take some hardcore classes on how to respect women.

Still, your classmates were amazing, and your new classmate Shinsou, you didn’t even know him until he got transferred into the class and you were so proud of him. He was doing something you knew you would never do, take a step closer to becoming a fantastic hero.

You couldn’t ever be a good hero. You couldn’t ever be a good person…

Everyone knew you for your smile though, but no one knew that your smiles weren’t real. None of them, not even your best friends. Which relieved you, you didn’t want to tell anyone about your problems at all, not even your teacher.

“(L/N).”

He called you right before classes were dismissed as your other classmates were already going out. Despite the anxiety swelling in your chest and threatening to pop, you turned to face him with your trademark smile, “Yes sir?”

You could see what looked like a hint of concern in his dark eyes, focused entirely on you as if trying to see even the smallest hint of trouble from you. This wasn’t the first time you’ve had someone try and look into your soul, but you had become painfully good at burying your emotions down so that way no one could see anything.

I don't wanna be alive I don't wanna be alive I just wanna die today I just wanna die...

“Have you been all right? Your grades are still decent, but it seems like they’ve been slowly slipping. Your performances in sparring have also been somewhat lacking. Is there… perhaps something wrong?” Aizawa wasn’t criticizing you or judging you, he was just making observations. You were thankful for his lack of judgment though since you haven’t been doing the best lately with all the stress starting to crush you from the inside out.

“Yeah! I just get a little nervous sometimes before a test… I’m… well sir I’m not sure if you’ve noticed but I’m a perfectionist, I just… I always want to be perfect and as a result I’m always afraid of screwing it up. So… sometimes I don’t always take the risks… and I kinda doubt myself in the heat of the moment…” As Aizawa intently stared at you and listened to your explanation, you smiled and blinked back whatever moisture wanted to gather in your eyes. Keeping your voice as level as possible and ignored the misery clawing and tightening around your throat as you swallowed it down.

It hurt… it hurt so much…

“I see.” You had a feeling Aizawa didn’t entirely believe you, but he wasn’t going to pry because for the most part, he believed most of your words since you had shared some of the honest truths with him, especially about your own perfectionism. But he had no idea what was truly going on with you, and you couldn’t be more thankful for that…

“If you need any help, I can offer you some tutoring. It’s my job to help you after all, whether it’s related to class or anything else you might feel comfortable sharing.” He said to you in a rare soft tone you didn’t hear him use often.

Never in your life have you felt so guilty for lying to your teacher, “Thank you sir. I might have to take up that offer on tutoring… I just need a little bit of help that’s all, I think from then on out I can get better and be less of a worry-wart.” You admitted sheepishly with a more bashful smile, which was enough to ease Aizawa just a little bit. “Very well then. Have a good night (L/N).”

He brought most of it, and even though he kept an eye on you as you bowed and left the classroom; he couldn’t see everything you were hiding…

“(Y/N)!”

Izuku had called you when he saw you walking towards Heights Alliance, he was standing at the front with Ochaco, Iida, Tsuyu and Todoroki, “Welcome back!” The brunette was waving to you as you looked over at them, but you were silent for a moment.

At least until you remembered to keep on smiling as you gave them a wave and made your way over to them, “It’s not like I went anywhere sillies…” You said playfully to your little group of friends, “We know! We’re just happy to see you.” The girl said to you kindly, smiling at you and you felt like you were just ready to cry right then and there.

I don't wanna be alive I don't wanna be alive I just wanna die And let me tell you why...

But you were an expert at holding it all back, so you kept your smile on. “Heh, you’re so easily amused…”

“What did Mr. Aizawa want to talk to you about (Y/N)? Is… everything all right?” Izuku sounded concerned though because he saw and heard your teacher call for you before you could leave with everyone else. Resisting the urge to gasp or even widen your eyes, you chuckled a bit.

“Ah, he was just offering some tutoring for me. You know I’m not the best test-taker and I’m just… a BIT nervous…” You let out a small laugh as you shrugged that off, but you didn’t and couldn’t tell that it just worried your dear friend.

“I can also offer you some of my own help if you feel you need it (L/N).” Iida was kind enough to offer his support to you and you perked up a bit. You always knew Iida was a noble kinda guy, so noble it was annoying sometimes but you appreciated it. And you appreciated it SO much right now…

“Really? Wow… thanks Iida… yeah, I’ll let you know I promise cuz… I’ll take what I can get… Haha…” As you gave another one of your fake laughs, you didn’t see a pensive look from Todoroki neither as he looked right at you.

Still, neither of them wanted to be rude and dig into your private life so they took what you were giving them, “Don’t worry, you’re a hard worker (Y/N), you’ve only been getting stronger and you’ve already got your hero license.” Izuku didn’t shy away from praising you, and it nearly sent you over the edge when he gave you that smile…

“I believe in you.”

It took every ounce of your remaining willpower to hold it all together as your fake smile grew despite the swirl of emotions thrashing inside your chest, “Oh Izuku… thanks… that’s so sweet…” Unable to help yourself, you threw your arms around him and pulled him into the tightest hug, earning a rather high-pitched squeak from your friend as he blushed a bright shade of red.

That was the first time in a long time you actually giggled a true giggle as you saw how flustered he was, “Hee~. You earned it you cutie…” Smiling you couldn’t help but snicker again when Izuku’s face somehow turned even redder as he looked away shyly, “A-Ahh y-y-you’re… y-you’re welcome…”

Hiding his face rather bashfully, you gave him your first true smile before you opened the doors for them to go inside, and you didn’t see the somewhat uncomfortable look on Ochaco’s face after you hugged him like that. But you did see Todoroki glancing at you with those intense grey and cyan eyes. For a moment you thought he caught on, but you just waved and smiled at him.

He wanted to talk to you, but at the same time he wasn’t sure if he would even be good at talking to you about personal things since he wasn’t like Izuku after all. And he didn’t want to bother you so he let you be. He knew what it was like to want to keep your personal things to yourself, so he wouldn’t bother you.

And as soon you ran to your dorm-room, falling to your knees as the tears quickly streamed down your face as you threw your hands to your mouth and quelled your sobs as you quietly cried to yourself again. Every day you’ve returned to your room crying, there was little you could do to stop this endless disappointment you felt in yourself and you couldn’t stand it.

You couldn’t handle the way you felt like you were letting everyone down. It felt like you were going crazy, and right now, you just wanted to die.

Eventually, you were able to prop yourself back up from your floor, stumbling as you made your way over to your desk. Writing something that wasn’t your homework…

THE NEXT DAY…

It was another day in class, everything was normal, and everyone was smiling as always and cracking some jokes despite the upcoming tests that you were not prepared for. “Hey (Y/N)! We’re thinking about getting together for another study session with Yaoyorozu this weekend, wanna join us?” Kirishima sweetly asked you with that smile.

God you wished you could smile like that…

Instead you selfishly gave him your fake one, “Sure! I’d love that, I could definitely use a lot of studying.” You giggled a little bit as your friend beamed at you, “Great! We’ll get it all done together! Help each other out. Hey I’ll even ask Bakugou to help you out if you want.”

“Word? Oh that’d be awesome…” You were amazed that Kirishima was actually going to try and get Bakugou to help you out. Bakugou! You’ve known the guy since childhood with Izuku, and he wasn’t the nicest guy in the world at all but… he was brilliant so you’d take his help if he actually gave some of it.

“Bakugou~. Hope you don’t mind if Kiri and I ask for some help…” You kinda timidly asked your irritable classmate as he scowled at you, “FINE! But you’d better not waste my time!”

Bakugou was as crass as always, and it both annoyed and amused you as you just gave him one of your smiles, “Thanks dude! Relax I won’t… I know better than that.” You covered your mouth to quell fake giggles, and pretended to be oblivious to the look Bakugou was giving you.

At least until Kirishima and Kaminari started asking him questions and teasing him about having a ‘soft spot’ for you and that made the flustered, explosive teen quite literally explode at them in response.

I want you to be alive I want you to be alive You don't gotta die today You don’t gotta die...

There was so much life in Bakugou and Kirishima’s eyes. And in Mina’s, Kaminari’s and Sero’s, and yet no one could see the listlessness in yours.

You didn’t feel like a human being at all.

You wouldn’t let them know though; you would keep your fake face on ss you shared a few insincere laughs with your friends they all got up to get ready to leave as Aizawa dismissed the classes. But you had to wait for him to leave too.

Because you were also getting ready to leave.

“Hey Iida! Leave all the cleaning to me!” You waved to the class representative when he came to the room with the cleaning supplies, “Really?”

“Yeah totally! I haven’t done it in a while.” You said smiling, but Iida seemed to contemplate on leaving you to do such a task all by yourself. So he shook his head, “Please (L/N) allow me to help you, it’s a large class and you shouldn’t have to do this all by yourself.”

Damn his chivalry…

I want you to be alive I want you to be alive You don't gotta die Now lemme tell you why

“I’ve cleaned rooms before though, it’s not that bad, besides like I said I haven’t done it in a while so… please let me help out with this. And… I didn’t want to tell you this but I overhead Mineta saying that he was going to try and hide under the stairs to take photos up the girl’s skirts… I feel bad for narc-ing but…I thought you deserved to know.” You had to lie, you hated that you were doing it but you had to…

Iida’s eyes went wide as the thought of his depraved classmate doing such a vile thing, “That Mineta! Thanks for telling me (L/N)! I will stop him as soon as I see him! And thank you for offering to clean the classroom I will have to owe you something in return for this! I will see you in the dorms!” He exclaimed to you gratefully before he rather quickly dashed out to go and reprimand his classmate for something he surprisingly wasn’t going to do, you hoped…

With that your friend was gone. Leaving you alone, and you couldn’t be happier as you looked around the empty classroom. It felt strange without all the faces and bright personalities that colored the room beautifully. The silence numbing your being as you made sure that Mr. Aizawa wasn’t here and that no one else could see or hear anything.

Carefully, you set the cleaning rags on the desk as you opened the window to see the skies one more time. Faint, bell-like chirps tingled in your ears when you heard birds flapping by and then flying outwards to the sky.

How you wished you could be one of those birds, free to fly in whatever direction they wanted and as high as they wished…

Bottom lip quivering you inhaled and exhaled deeply as you removed your UA blazer and tie; symbols of the hero school you knew you didn’t belong in. And you pulled out your hero costume from your bag and placed over your desk. (H/N) was going to be a fantastic hero, but in the end, (H/N) was just another goal you couldn’t complete because you couldn’t do any of the hero work right.

Failure.

That’s all (H/N) was.

You don’t deserve to be here; you don’t deserve to be anywhere…

Nothing would change if you just disappeared. No one might even realize if you disappeared, and it’s the best for everyone, and for yourself.

Everything fell silent in the classroom for a moment as you walked away from the window, staring outside one last time before your legs started to move with your eyes glued to the skies. You took a step onto the ledge before allowing yourself to plummet downwards as gravity pushed you…

Down…

Down...

Glimpses of brightly lit memories flashed before your eyes as you thought briefly of your loved ones one last time as you fell.

Izuku.

Katsuki.

Tsuyu.

Ochaco.

Tenya.

Shoto.

Eijirou.

All of them…

CRASH!

As your body impacted with the hard ground, everything suddenly went blurry as you didn’t see that you landed on your back. An intense, unforgiving wave of agony crashed over your form as you felt something warm leaving in several orifices under your body. Your arm… your legs… you couldn’t move them…

There was nothing you could hear other than the sound of a high-pitched ringing that screamed in your ears and blocked out the piercing, bloodcurdling shrieks coming from your friends and other students. You couldn’t hear them, and you couldn’t see the horrified and tearful looks on their faces. You couldn’t see Izuku, Ochaco, Iida and Todoroki trembling as they registered their dear classmate having fallen.

You couldn’t see the looks of shock and horror on Bakugou, Kirishima, Kaminari, Mina or Sero…

You couldn’t see anyone…

You couldn’t see Mr. Aizawa rushing forth desperately as he made his way over to your trembling body as he checked frantically for a pulse as you choked and felt the carmine spilling out the corners of your mouth. It was cold, why was it so cold…?

“SOMEONE CALL AN AMBULANCE!!”

ONE DAY LATER…

Guys… I’m so sorry.

I’ve been struggling a lot lately with personal issues, with myself, with the person I am and I’m not at all happy with the direction I’m going in. I feel like I’m constantly letting everyone down and disappointing everyone I know and love.

Every morning I wake up and feel like a failure because I wake up from nightmares about me just failing and failing over and over again. I can’t escape the dark place I’m in, and I don’t feel like I deserve to be here with all of you guys.

I haven’t felt like a human being in a long time, and I don’t want to be alive anymore, I just want to die. I know I shouldn’t want that, but I can’t escape this thing that’s constantly plaguing my mind no matter how hard I try.

You guys are the only light I have ever known, which is why I can’t be here anymore, it feels like the darkness has me and I’ve tried so hard to get away from it, but I feel like I can’t fight it. I can’t be the hero I want to be, I try so hard, but nothing I do is good enough. The only good thing in my life right now are you guys, I know you’re all going to be the most fantastic heroes of our generation, so please, keep being Plus Ultra.

I love you all. All of you.

P.S: Please tell Mr. Aizawa that I love him too. And Mr. Yamada, and All-Might too.

(L/N) (Y/N).

Izuku was in tears when he found your suicide note on your bed in your room, an immense surge of so many emotions of shock, grief and remorse crashing over him and his friends as they all heard their classmate read their friends’ note. Each of them all looking distraught and confused as many of them teared up and started sobbing with every word Izuku choked out when he read it.

And when he read your name, he broke down in heavy sobs as his tears dripped onto the paper that had remnants of your own tears prior to the day before you wrote it. After your suicide attempt you had been admitted into the hospital, but you were comatose and suffered some bad injuries. Recovery Girl did the best she could and healed the broken bones, but she couldn’t only heal so much, the internal bleeding was what worried everyone because currently you were in the very fragile and thin line between life and death.

No one in 1-A was in a good place.Their classmate tried to commit suicide and very nearly succeeded and possibly succeeded and it terrified them and made them all break down together...

Izuku in particular was nearly inconsolable as he wept in the common room with everyone else. The only form of comfort all he had was the fact that his closest friends were crying along with him as they each sat with him on the couch. Aoyama holding onto him with his head in his shoulder and Iida on his opposite side with his arm around the two smaller boys.

“I-I can’t believe it…” Ochaco managed to speak as she and Tsuyu hugged each other to comfort each other, “S-She... she seemed like she was fine yesterday…” Tsuyu didn’t want to believe it, but the more she thought about it, the more tears came to her eyes as Ochaco held her hand tightly. The two girls thought you had acted kind of odd, but your smiles were so bright that they both guessed that it blinded them from the pain hidden underneath the light you made sure to constantly radiate.

“I knew… something was wrong…” Todoroki hid his face with his hands as he wiped his tears away, “I thought she was acting strange… but I didn’t ask her…” Guilt etched over his tear-stained face as he buried his face back into his hands, unable to help the ice creeping onto his right side. He had never felt this feeling before, not since his mother was taken away…

But the thought of actually losing a friend, even the very possibility, it was almost too much for him to bear, and he did nothing to stop it…

“It’s my fault… she was in pain…” He sniffled as he shook his head in disappointment, and anger at himself as he punched the side of the couch in frustration. He should have helped you; he knew what it was like to bottle up emotions and yet he didn’t do anything to help you…

“I-It isn’t y-your fault… T-Todoroki… I… I also knew that… s-she was acting different b-but I… I couldn’t… I didn’t even… t-think of asking her… I-I had no idea s-she was even in… s-so much pain…” Izuku couldn’t even finish his sentence as he sobbed a little bit louder as the guilt was eating away at him. He’s been your friend since childhood, how in the world did he not see how much pain you were in?

But before he could beat himself up any further, he felt Iida’s arm tightening around him to try and comfort the boy despite his own mourning. “W-We couldn’t have known… s-she always seemed so… happy… but I… I didn’t even… I-I… I let her smiles convince me that… e-everything was okay… I-I… I failed her… s-she was… in pain and I… m-myself didn’t even…” Iida’s voice cracked as he choked on a sob. He felt just as guilty as his friends did, because it was his job to make sure all of his classmates and friends were all doing good and following the rules. But up until now, he didn’t even think about asking if you or anyone else were feeling okay. And now he realizes that he should have been doing that, especially when had been acting kind of odd. You just seemed so happy he thought you were okay…

“All the time I’ve known her…” Shinsou kept his head turned away as he sat beside himself, not wanting to show his tears as he inhaled and exhaled deeply, “She was always smiling… she even smiled at me… she smiled so much I… thought something didn’t seem right… but I… I pushed her away…” He didn’t know you as well as he wished he did, but you were kind to him at the Sports Festival, even before he got transferred into this course. But he just had to act like the cold, tough guy and push you away even when you were still kind to him…

Never in his life has he ever wished he could go back in time to reverse that…

“O-Oui but… it’s… s-sometimes the ones who smile most… a-are the ones suffering I… I can understand that… I… I should have… talked to her more…” Aoyama knew what it was like to hide behind a smile, and he had a feeling that you were also hiding your true emotions with a smile but he couldn’t find it in him to actually have a heart-to-heart with you. And he had never felt so bad about anything else in his life…

You were his friend; you were their friend. Not just them, you were Class 1-A’s friend.

As Izuku and his friends grieved and cried for you, the rest of your classmates were all doing the same and crying together, fearing for you and praying that you were still with them. Nobody could stop thinking about how they saw your body, and the suicide note that Izuku had shown them all. All of them were missing you terribly, and were scared as hell and full of remorse because neither of them knew just how much you were going through all by yourself…

“(Y-Y/N)… please be okay… Oh G-God… I-I can’t believe she… I-I can’t believe I d-d-didn’t…” Kirishima couldn’t hold back his sobs as he sat on the floor, hands covering his eyes as he tried to stop the tears, but he just couldn’t. He just talked to you yesterday and the entire time he didn’t even notice how you used your smiles to shield your real feelings. He felt so stupid and like the most worthless friend ever but he refused to pity himself, all he would think about was you and he just hoped that you were still with them so they could all help you recover physically and emotionally.

Sitting beside him were Kaminari and Sero, who were both crying together as Sero had buried his face in Kaminari’s neck, the two boys hugging each other. “I-I didn’t even know she was going through anything…” Kaminari had hit on you a few times, and you always, always smiled at him even when he thought he looked so dumb in front of you. And god he loved those smiles because it made him feel like less of an idiot.

But now that he knew that they were fake, he felt even more like an idiot and absolutely horrible because he felt like he was too dumb to see that you were hiding your pain. “N-None of us did… like Iida said... w-we couldn’t have... known...” Sero gently reminded him, even though he felt so bad because he was just as unaware of your pain as well.

“I-I… I really hope she makes it… I-I want to just… tell her how much I love her…” Mina hugged Yaoyorozu and Jirou tightly as the three girls cried together. “M-Me too… I want to… I want to hug her and… (Y/N) was… my friend… I wish I just… c-could have… b-been there for her more… a-and maybe she… w-wouldn’t have…” Yaoyorozu couldn’t hold back her tears as Jirou rubbed her back gently.

“I-It’s… it’s okay… we… really couldn’t have known but… I… wish I could have done something too…” She expressed her own regret as she felt Hagakure hug the girls and cry, for once the cheerful girl had nothing to say. Every time she tried she would just cry, just like everyone else.

Not even the calm, collected ones such as Ojiro, Satou, Kouda, Tokoyami or Shouji could hold back their tears as they had quietly cried together, with Shouji even carrying Mineta who was just as sad as the others and crying for you. They were almost hiding from the others but not hiding their grief. However, the only person that was hiding their grief was none other than their belligerent classmate Bakugou.

He stood all alone in his room, sitting on his bed with his hands curling in his disheveled hair, grunting in anger as he willed himself to not cry but his body refused as tears rapidly streamed down his tightly shut eyes.

“Dammit… (Y/N)…” He wanted to be angry, he was angry, but he was also miserable, depressed and horrified. He’d never tell it to anyone, but he did care about you. Even if you were still close to stupid Deku, he grew up with you too, it was hard to not have some sentiment especially since you always found someway to tag along with them or have at least one class with him.

All the years Bakugou had known you he always thought you were annoying because you were smiling all the time. He wasn’t blind or stupid, he knew whenever you acted kind of weird, and ever since the two of you got into UA along with Deku he noticed your smiles seemed off. They were as radiant as ever and you always seemed to beam with this stupid energy that he couldn’t stand half the time, but he knew that they couldn’t possibly be real.

And now he knew that they definitely weren’t real. Now that Deku read your letter, he almost felt horrible for not doing shit to prevent that from happening. He might have found you annoying but you were his good friend once upon a time…

Maybe he shouldn’t have pushed you away the same way he did to Deku. He always did like you better than him…

Bakugou might have been alone, but he was grieving just like the rest of his classmates for you. And they just prayed that you would survive. You were still in the hospital and all they could do was hope and they each told themselves that if you came out of this alive that they would do everything they could to let you know that they love you.

ONE WEEK LATER…

“SOMEBODY CALL AN AMBULANCE!!”

“(Y/N)!!”

“OH MY GOD!!”

“SOMEBODY CALL AN AMBULANCE!!”

“IS SHE BREATHING?!

“WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?!”

“SOMEBODY CALL AN AMBULANCE!!”

“OH GOD! OH MY GOD SOMEONE HELP HER!!”

“NO (Y/N)!! OH GOD NO!!”

“SOMEBODY CALL AN AMBULANCE!!”

The screams murmured in your ears even as you slowly regained some vision, but not all of it. Everything felt fuzzy, like you were floating on air and for a moment you felt like you were finally able to fly. But why couldn’t you move or glide away? What was going on…?

Was this a mistake?

It had to have been a mistake…

You just wanted a way out…

As your (E/C) eyes slowly opened, you blinked to see an unfamiliar room and then the sounds of beeping became more apparent to you. But you winced as soon as you tried to move as you saw casts on your arm and legs, it hurt just to even move. It hurt so fucking much…

This was a hospital room…

You remember now…

You jumped out the window of your classmate, thinking that the story fall would kill you, almost hoping it would kill you. But it didn’t…

Because your teacher and classmates were there in time to make sure it didn’t…

Your classmates…

Your teacher…

The thought made a fresh wave of tears glisten your eyes as they streamed down your face. A strangled gasp coming from your throat as you thought shamefully of what they might think now, there’s no way you could see them again now after this. Maybe they won’t even know you’re gone… you almost prayed they wouldn’t…

However, after a few moments of being alone in this white room, you had no idea how long it truly had been until you saw the doctor gently calling your name. “Hello… are you there with me…?”

You could see them, and you could hear them too as you gave a weak nod of acknowledgement, “It’s okay sweetie…” It was a woman, and she was giving you such sad eyes, sympathetic as if she were trying to keep her tears at bay, and you could hear her saying that your parents had been called and so were your classmates and teachers.

Oh God…

Not your parents, not your classmates…

Part of you was relieved, but also scared as hell…

You knew they were coming, all of them. And you couldn’t bear to face them, you just couldn’t. So you closed your eyes, trying to pretend that you were somewhere else, that none of this happened and that you weren’t even here. Yet, the sounds of rushing feet were enough to break any delusion you attempted to create as your body violently tremored the second the door open…

There they all were, all of your classmates all rushing in as the doctor understood that they all desperately wanted to see their classmate. Several eyes met your wide (E/C) eyes which made you increasingly anxious as your heart pounded in your chest and you broke out in a cold sweat as you inhaled sharply and exhaled shakily.

You could see Izuku, Bakugou, Todoroki, Iida, Ochaco, Tsuyu and Kirishima, and Shinsou and Yaoyorozu, Jirou, Ashido, Sero, Aoyama, Tokoyami, Kaminari, Shoji, Satou, Ojiro, Koda, Hagakure (sort of because she’s invisible) and even Mineta…

All of them.

I finally wanna be alive I finally wanna be alive I don't wanna die today I don't wanna die

Tears immediately springing to their eyes when they saw that your eyes were still open, and that you were still alive. And Izuku, Ochaco, Iida and Tsuyu were the first ones to rush over to you to gently hug you as they all burst into tears.

“(Y/N)!!” They each shouted as they went over to your bed, relieved as Ochaco held your good hand and Izuku was the first to gently hug you. You couldn’t hold back anymore as you let the tears fall as you buried your face into your dear friend’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry…”

You said to every one of them, and you could only hear everyone suddenly burst into tears as they all began to talk and say that no one was upset with you, that nothing was your fault and that it was all okay, that everything would be okay because they were here for you now.

“(Y-Y/N) I’m sorry… I’m sorry I c-couldn’t…” Izuku however, wanted to apologize as he tearfully held onto you, having felt horrible that he couldn’t tell that you were in this much pain.

“Izuku… no… I… don’t be…” You shook your head, pressing your forehead against his to comfort him as his cries quieted a little bit. Slowly, you peered up to see Iida and Todoroki looking right at you. Iida wiping his eyes as he tried to smile in relief but he was just as guilty as Izuku was. “I am sorry (Y/N)! As class representative and as your friend I should have paid more attention to the well-being of all my classmates!”

You wanted to chuckle, but it came out rueful, “You guys… can’t apologize for this… I mean… it’s not easy to open up about… I didn’t want you guys to know that I was dealing with a lot of things… I didn’t think any of you could understand but… I am sorry… I’m sorry for… all of this…” Reassuring your classmates, stray tears slowly rolled down your face as you saw Todoroki wiping his own tears away, only for more to well in his eyes.

“It’s not your fault… we can’t help the things we feel…” He sympathized with you, knowing full well what it’s like to keep everything inside only for it to bubble until it spills over and suddenly lose control. You couldn’t help but smile at this, of course Todoroki understood that…

However, your smile instantly fell as soon as you saw Bakugou’s fierce glare, except there was more fear and anger swirling in those eyes with lingering fury that you could clearly see. “Katsuki…” You were terrified of his reaction the most, which is why you were shocked the second you closed your eyes and found his arms coming around you gently as Izuku pulled away.

“K-Katsuki… I…”

“Shut up… just… shut up…” His voice cracked a little bit as you could feel his tears dripping into your neck. “Look (Y/N)… I don’t know what it is you’re going through… but… I’ll help you through it… so don’t even think about arguing with me about it… there’s no way I’m leaving you alone in this...” Bakugou was as firm as ever, and yet he was also weirdly gentle as he looked at you with a rare, soft gaze that just made more of your tears fall as you gave a quiet, breathless chuckle.

“We all will.” Izuku heard his other childhood friend talking, and for once Bakugou agreed with him.

“We’ll all help you (Y/N)! That’s a promise! Y-You don’t have to feel alone in this…” Kirishima spoke up, going over closer so he could hug you, which you happily took in with a small smile.

“I know we can’t make it all go away… but we can at least be there for you, give you endless support…” You looked over at Yaoyorozu, who was tearing up as she talked. And you understood what she meant, no doubt that you were going to have to see a doctor and go to therapy even and be on suicide watch for a while.

You nodded though. It wasn’t away yet, but seeing all of your friends here surrounding you and giving you their love just to make you feel better, secure and loved was enough to make it feel like it went away for just a little bit.

“(L/N)…”

But then you heard Aizawa’s low voice, and that prompted everyone to perk up and gasp as they let their teacher in. You were amazed at how he looked somehow even more exhausted than normal, like he hadn’t slept in days as he wiped his eyes once he looked at you.

“Mr. Aizawa… I’m sorry…”

“Stop that. Stop saying you’re sorry.” He quickly reprimanded you, but his voice was tender even when he started telling you what the doctors had told him. You were definitely going to the psychiatric unit for a little bit and speak to some doctors about everything that happened, and they also suggested some group therapy from the suicide hotline and professionals. Which made you sigh as you nodded, knowing that you would have to do all of that for your own sake and better your own health, physical and mental.

I finally wanna be alive I finally wanna be alive I don't wanna die I don't wanna die

“Don’t worry (Y/N)… you won’t be alone in this anymore. We’ll be there with you all the way…” Izuku saw how pensive you seemed and he smiled at you, gently holding your good hand. Touched, you gave him a small but happy smile as your cheeks warmed a little bit.

“And that’s a promise. We’re here for you (Y/N).” Iida was quick to follow Izuku’s lead, although tearful he couldn’t have sounded more determined as you saw all of your emotional classmates giving you nods and soft little smiles as they all said your name and swore to help you and be there for you. It was almost overwhelming as your heart swelled up with all of these wild emotions and you bit down on your bottom lip in an attempt to hold back any more cries. But it was impossible to stop your flooding tears from spilling down your cheeks as you broke down in heartfelt sobs.

“T-Thank you… e-everyone… thank you… s-so much…”

For once, you were happy to be alive, happy to be among people that made you remember something.

You truly are important, and that you truly do matter.

I don't wanna cry anymore I wanna feel alive I don't even wanna die anymore Oh I don't wanna I don't wanna I don't even wanna die anymore...

If you have any suicidal thoughts, or have had suicidal thoughts or even just need someone to talk to about intrusive thoughts or just need to talk to someone about anything don’t hesitate to call 1-800-273-6255, the Suicide Hotline.

And remember that your life is important and that your life matters. YOU matter.

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