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#but when someone is just pointing out why they think a certain ship is incompatible without being extreme about it leave them alone
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Pride Month Character Sexuality Headcanon Moodboards 1. Yasmine - Lesbian 2. Demetri Alexopoulos - Gay 3. Moon - Bisexual 4. Eli "Hawk" Moskowitz - Bisexual
Next up is everyone's favorite Demetri Alexopoulos-obsessed slightly evil predatory bird boy, Eli "Hawk" Moskowitz! Unlike with Demetri, I am fully aboard the Bisexual Eli Express. Justice for bi guys!!! We need more in media because it is in fact sexy and valid to like dick AND boobs!!!
Now, quick disclaimer that there is not a single mlw Eli ship that I personally fuck with in the least. I've been pretty loud about the reasons for my immense distaste of H*wkM**n, and could in fact write a 20 or so page essay on why they're one of my all-time NoTPs if prompted. Furthermore, my first impulse upon seeing any other female character paired with Eli (or...really, any character who isn't Demetri, or possibly Miguel in extremely specific circumstances) is to keep said pairing approximately 491263844976 feet away from me. BUT, despite my personal feelings of revulsion upon seeing Eli paired with anyone who isn't his soulmate Demetri Alexopoulos, I fully believe Eli is bisexual and that there's plenty of textual evidence to support this!
So let's dive in!
The first thing that comes to mind is how Eli vents to his mom in the 2x05 flashback about how he's "never going to get a girlfriend." Granted, as I've mentioned in some other posts, high school dating is often more about social status (i.e. being seen as "desirable" enough to get an SO makes you more popular) than genuine romantic attraction. BUT Eli voicing his concerns to someone he clearly trusts more than most people indicates to me that he wants a girlfriend more than just for show--he's attracted to girls.
I have a friend who since moved on from the fandom who did autistic analyses of Eli, and pointed out that he's often uncomfortable with eye contact. Pre-Hawk, the only two people we see him make consistent eye contact with are Demetri and his mom. This seems like a pretty good indication that these are the two people he trusts the most, and can most honestly "bare his soul" and be himself around. Another reason I think his vent to his mom about worrying he's never going to have the experience of dating a girl has authenticity to it. I can't compare this to Demetri's interactions with his mom, unfortunately (and it's a damn shame!!! I demand to see Ms. Alexopoulos in S6!!!), but I can say for certain that Eli has expressed wanting a girlfriend from a (presumably) vulnerable and honest place, while S1 Demetri only ever seems to do so performatively.
As previously established, there is no bigger H*wkM**n loather than I. I make no secret of this. HOWEVER!!! I feel like it'd be naive--and maybe even dumb--to pretend that there isn't at least some physical attraction there. Granted, they're definitely emotionally incompatible in a way I wish the show had the balls to actually address (like how the fuck is a pacifist gonna last in a relationship with a dude who loves fighting more than just about everything else lmao), but I can buy they find each other physically (and probably sexually) attractive. Moon basically says as much when she's dumping Eli in S2! They very much strike me as one of those teenage couples who are all over each other 90% because of hormones. I'd say the main difference between them and Dem and Yas is that the performative aspect doesn't seem to be there. While Dem and Yas feel like they're putting on a show, it seems like Hawk and Moon really were just that horny.
So throughout S2, we see Hawk treat Moon in kind of a possessive way, and more as arm candy to make him look good than as her own person (yet another reason I am such a Hater lmao). Despite this, he spends so much time in S3 and S4 moping over her and pining for her that I do think they had somewhat of an emotional connection, even if it was pretty surface-level. I still think their relationship was mostly based on looks and social status, but him being that hung up on winning her back (a frankly unhealthy thing that should not have been narratively rewarded btw) instead of just moving on to some other hot girl who'd give him the time of day indicates that Moon was more than just a beard.
So like. I feel like if you weren't convinced that Eli has feelings for Demetri, you wouldn't be reading a post written by tumblr user demetriandelibinaryboyfriends XD But to briefly summarize: Eli spends much of the show shooting Demetri Yearning Looks and being the only one amused by his antics. Even when they're falling out, Eli is borderline obsessive about harassing Demetri when he could just ignore him and focus on his Cool New Karate Friends. He often seeks Demetri out in fights in a way that feels pretty damn fruity. He's pretty physically affectionate with Demetri, and never seems to mind when Dem is physically affectionate with him (to the point of near cuddling in S4). This is...unusual for teenage boys, to say the least! Oftentimes even the straight ones are so terrified of being perceived as gay that they're super stingy about all but the most "no homo" type of physical affection. The fact that Dem and Eli pretty liberally put their arms around each other and give each other little gestures of physical affection makes me think that they've been in a homoerotic friendship so long that they like. Don't even realize it comes across as kinda gay??? Like Miguel and Demetri are physically affectionate too, but it's much more casual and doesn't feel as intense.
Also worth a mention that Eli is literally simping for Demetri so hard that he joins Demetri's karate dojo right after being terribly traumatized and deciding to quit karate. Why??? Because Demetri said some encouraging things to him, cuddled him on a couch, and basically confessed his love by being like "hey I'll always care about you no matter how you wear your hair or what name you go by." This man is whipped as fuck. His actor basically confirmed he won the championship for Demetri! And lest we forget, the final push that got him to betray the dojo he'd previously devoted his entire life to--also led by a dangerous war criminal sure not to take betrayal lightly, might I mention--was seeing Demetri in danger. Eli "Hawk" Moskowitz is in fact Down Bad.
So I'm not a big fan of the migu/eli ship for reasons I don't want to get into here, but imo it's completely possible Eli had feelings for Miguel at some point (I just don't think they were ever reciprocated because Miguel is in love with Sam!). He definitely idolizes Miguel and puts him on a kind of "coolness" pedestal that feels like it could easily be romantic. He also gets so obsessed with avenging Miguel that he breaks the arm of the other guy he has a crush on, so...there's also that!
Come to think of it, there are actually some really interesting parallels between the Miguel/Eli and Moon/Eli relationships. Both are kind of a case of Eli getting really enamored with this idealized idea/concept he has of a person and getting so wrapped up in that that he has a fundamental misunderstanding of and neglects the actual person's wants and needs. Hence why he's so confused when Moon and Miguel tell him they don't want him in their lives if he's going to be an ass--this isn't how the doe-eyed ever-adoring hot girlfriend and stone-cold, super aggressive badass bestie he built up in his head were supposed to react! Why are they acting like independent people with agency who don't conform to the versions of themselves in Eli's fantasies???
(This is also why I think Demetri's the healthiest and most sensible romantic partner for Eli btw. Eli doesn't idealize and borderline deify Demetri the way he does for other people he has feelings for/seems to have feelings for. He's known Dem so long that we can reasonably extrapolate any feelings that developed were based in the Demetri that was actually there, and not a fictional version he built up in his mind. In fact, it almost seems like Demetri knows Eli has a tendency to do this and won't let Eli project an untrue version of Demetri onto the real guy. That might be why Demetri staunchly refused to change himself to go along with Eli's karate shenanigans in early S2--he was basically saying "I am who I am, and I refuse to become this impossibly glorified image you're projecting onto me." And I can't blame him--I actually get really annoyed when people try to put me on a pedestal, and will often go out of my way to break their illusion that I'm whatever perfect, wholesome box they try to shove me in XD Bottom line being that between Moon, Miguel, and Demetri, I think Demetri has the healthiest relationship with Eli because it's, at the end of the day, the most honest and doesn't hinge on any untrue and unfair projections.)
At the end of the day though!!! The fact that Eli is able to separately idealize both a guy and a girl and both in a pretty romantic or romantic-coded way is pretty damning proof to me that he is in fact bisexual! Look, not all bisexuals process their feelings in healthy ways okay aiksjuuhfkdhg
He dyes his hair ALL THE DAMN BISEXUAL FLAG COLORS. And on the order they're on the flag, too??? Red (S2 - S3) to purple (S4) to dark blue (S5)??? Fucking wild. If this was a fanfiction I would joke about it being too on-the-nose, BUT NO. THIS IS CANON MATERIAL IN THE SHOW.
Okay, I'm sorry, but. NO non-queer dude dyes his hair bright-ass colors like that. Red or blue maaaaybe, but PURPLE??? NO. Straight men simply do not dye their hair purple. Like speaking as an LGBT I'm here to tell you that in the community, brightly colored hair (but especially more "flamboyant," girly colors like purple or pink) basically a signal that says "hey, I am also queer!" ESPECIALLY if you're a dude. Straight girls dyeing their hair bright-ass colors is more common, but I have never known a single straight guy to. And that's because it's associated with being gay af.
Also I can't tell you the amount of times they've put this dude in bisexual lighting. The ones I can think of off the top of my head are S2 Valley Fest and the S3 arm break, but I'm sure there are more I'm forgetting. Demetri is there both the times I mentioned. Hmmmm.
Took some liberties with the bisexual flag in this moodboard to better fit Eli's vibe...and also like. These are literally the three colors he dyes his hair in canon. I had to XD
I'm still not over that btw aksjdkhuef like it's so bisexual it's PAINFUL
I really like how this one came out <3 Hopefully I was able to capture the full scope of technonerd, avian motifs, and that one S3 angerboi I-want-to-punch-everything-and-everyone arc!
Btw the top middle picture is just supposed to be neon fire because our boi is Fiery™️, but then I realized it...kind of also looks like a mohawk??? So kudos to me for the accidental character accuracy XD
Okay so. Would you believe I have several more of these that I didn't have the chance to post? ^^; I uh. Guess I'll have to make July Pride Month 2.0 and post them then XD This is what happens when I'm too overambitious in my shitposts, eh?
As always, pic credits available upon request!
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perpetual-fool · 7 months
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talk is cheap, lego
Day one of trying to think about things from a different perspective and I'm hit with the kind of thing that put me in my perspective in the first place. Context: a while back my mom started occasionally playing with what were my old legos. More recently my sister's kids started getting lego sets, but my sister doesn't really the room for that mess in her house, so all the legos in the family are getting consolidated into one big collection. And my mom is sorting the legos. Anyway, we don't have boxes with a bajillion little compartments (yet), so it's easier to keep them organized by sticking like pieces together.
So the situation, was that I have an opinion about how they should be stuck together to keep accessible and easy to take apart. I shared this idea with my mom, she agreed it was good, and even starting doing it correctly. Then later I found a chunk of stuff where she hadn't done that. And if she had just decided to do it a different way it wouldn't have bothered me. And she didn't just do it wrong, it's not like she simply forgot part of it. She'd stuck the parts together in a way that completely violated all the principles of what I'd told her, as if she wanted to make it difficult to use on purpose. I asked her why and got the usual slurry of nonsense. First she parroted off the things I'd told her before, then when I pointed out that she didn't do that at all there were non-excuses like 'I was tired'. But the point is not the specifics of how people are crazy, the point is that the response to what I'd said/done was logically incompatible. This is the type of relentless invalidating gibberish that has destroyed my psyche. And it put me right back where I was.
And there's nothing I can do with that. It's not like I can just invert it, say "I'm not wrong, you are" or something, because I don't actually have a position. Not being able to understand what's going on is basically the whole issue. But I was considering, I've never been able to just think myself out of one of these problems. I had to have an experience that was different. Or at least simulate an experience that was different, as with my imaginary mind-reading succubus friend. So, it's not conclusive yet, but to deal with my lego problem I need to imagine to talking to someone reasonable about the lego stuff. There isn't a reasonable version of the above incident, but I could maybe discuss the things I'm interested in making and why I want them to be a certain way. Though I'm not sure how someone might respond beyond simple acknowledgment. But maybe just reviewing the various considerations I had would be enough, pretending that they're asking me.
And a tangent: More context, the other day I remade this star-wars-style fantasy space ship I'd originally made probably twenty years ago. My sister's banshee liked the ruin it was in, so I felt like it'd be worth fixing up. He said/did something that made perfect sense. He told me he put a ladder on it (next to the canopy) so that the guy can get in without having to climb through the cargo hold. That's totally reasonable, and the ladder was in the right spot. Yeah. It's not much, but that does seem like the kind of sensible ideas I get from no one ever. And aside, that does lend a little credence to the guess that, it's not that people are stupid in some sense, it's that they've been ruined somehow. And he liked the ship. He was disappointed that the cargo door wasn't big enough to get the three-wheeler through, so I made that bigger. I added a couple pieces to better secure the parts he'd added. And since he decided it was a cargo hold, I added some cargo. It could use a loading ramp too, but I don't really have a way to add that to the current design.
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tea-and-la · 3 years
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i *love* that some people’s idea of atla being adding onto Netflix being a ‘mistake’ is bc of people “bashing” (in parenthesis bc some critiques do not equal bashing and most of the time, those critiques are of Bryke) aang.
instead of, you know, the fact that countless people in fandom have made an agenda of invalidating people’s LGBTQ+ identities j bc they don’t ship a certain ship, sending death and r*** threats to real human people, called bipoc “animals and implied that they were mentally ill. not to mention the groupchat of people on Twitter who banded together to make a “hit list” of zks to stalk and subsequently had plans to doxx and reveal their personal information.
and i’m not saying that this situation is unique to zks because I’ve heard that Zukkas also were unfortunately subjected to death threats, and hate etc. no one deserves that. and imo, THAT’S why putting atla on Netflix was a mistake. Bc some weirdos can’t handle that someone else likes a ship that’s different from theirs so they resort to violence. It’s never that serious.
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uwuwriting · 3 years
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Incompatible ships w/ Todoroki, Kirishima, Bakugou and Midoiya
Request: hii! i love ur posts so i thought why not request ajbakaha,, can i ask for todoroki, kirishima, bakugou, izuku getting jealous bc their s/o is getting shipped with another student :D (it can be their relationship is still a secret or smth) btw i love your posts!! it's free serotonin!! 😽😽- anonymous
Secret relationships are my favorite trope. This and friends to lovers. I live for these types of fics. Random fact, my allergies are acting up bc I helped take down the Christmas decorations and now my hands are on fire. Love ya. 💖💖💖
masterlist II rules
warnings: fluff, minor suggestive themes not something major though
Todoroki Shouto
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-Things like jealousy are a rare occurrence in your relationship. 
-Todoroki is the type of boyfriend who trusts you blindly and would put his own life in your hands without a single hesitation. 
-Sometimes it bothers him how other people effortlessly flirt with you but he knows that nothing will come out of it no matter how much they chat you up. 
-He knows you can handle yourself and get out of  a situation if things start getting out of hand. 
-And if you can’t, he will butt in glaring down at the person who wouldn’t take no for an answer.
-Everyone around you seem to believe that the two of you are really close friends; none of them have caught a whiff of your relationship and you are proud of yourselves. 
-I mean it is pretty hard keeping so many romantic milestones hidden from your friends. 
-But alas you both knew that keeping all of this to yourselves would be for the best. 
-Now, we all know that the girls of your class drool over any remotely romantic interaction you have. 
-Same goes for everyone actually. 
-Oh Kirishima held the door open for you the other day?? I can see a new ship sailing. 
-Sero helped you pick up your stuff when you bumped into a wall? Your knight in shining armor. 
-Really any sort of kind gesture was interpreted as romantic interest at this point. 
-The worst part of it all was the ship they had created and have been simping over for the past three months. 
-You had managed to create an unexpected friendship with Monoma from class 3-B. 
-The agency he interns in is right next to yours so you take the same train and then walk to almost the same building every single day. 
-You see him during patrol, the pro heroes you work under have paired up once or twice so a friendship was inevitable. 
-So imagine the surprise on your classmate’s faces when Monoma began waiting for you outside the 3-A dorm building.
-Mina wouldn’t shut up about how cute you two were together and what a perfect match you made. 
-Soon enough the other idiots joined the party and you were drowned in ‘awwww’s and ‘love story in the making’s. 
-You got tired of explaining that he was just a friend, that you weren’t interested in him. 
-The fact that you could feel Todoroki’s gaze burn through your back didn’t help at all. 
-Your boyfriend had asked you about Monoma because he too found it weird how he waited for you everyday. 
-The boy’s presence didn’t bother him at first. 
-He was lowkey grateful that you finally had company on your way to the agency considering he couldn’t walk with you since his building was in the opposite direction. 
-It started becoming a problem when all he could hear during the breaks was the stupid ship name the girls had created. 
-He could see how visibly uncomfortable it made you and how you would seek for his gaze during those moments. 
-Then they started talking about how cute your kids would be and that’s when Shoto had enough. 
-It’s one thing hearing about how cute your girlfriend would be with someone else and it’s completely different when you hear about their potential offspring. 
-Grabbing your wrist he basically dragged you out the classroom and into an empty hallway, pinning you to the nearest wall before connecting his lips with yours. 
-You let a surprised gasp which gave him the opportunity to slip his tongue into your mouth and deepen the kiss, making you grasp onto his shirt as your knees gave out. 
-After what felt like an eternity he let you go for air before attacking your jaw, neck and collarbones. 
-Soon those soft kisses turned into little love bites. 
- “Sho you’re gonna leave a mark.” 
-Releasing your skin from between his teeth, he admired the reddish hickey he had left at the base of your neck. 
-He was sure your shirt’s collar could cover it up just barely. 
- “That’s the point, love.” 
-Intertwining your fingers, he led you back to class, going to his seat with a proud smirk on his lips leaving a very flustered puffy-lips-messy-haired you in his wake. 
Kirishima Eijiro 
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-Kiribaby is not the jealous type. 
-Like only if you give your undivided attention to a puppy and you smother it with all your love and affection then maybe, just maybe, he will pout a bit and ask for his own fair share of love. 
-He trusts you just like Todoroki does.
-Nothing has ever happened to suggest that he should worry about others stealing you from him so he doesn’t worry. 
-Plus you are always together no matter what. 
-Almost everyone from your class knows that you are together so the shipping doesn’t start from them. 
-Oh no.
-It starts from class 3-B who has seen you talk to Tetsutetsu quite a bit this past few weeks. 
-You might wait for him outside their classroom during lunch breaks. 
-They have caught you hanging out outside of the school grounds. 
-So the only logical explanation they can come up with is that you two are either A) dating or B) have a thing for each other and are getting there. 
-Soon enough rumors start circulating. 
- “Did you know that someone from the hero course is dating that metal guy from class 3-B?”
- “Yeah yeah I heard it’s that girl Y/N. They do look really cute together, not gonna lie.”
-Eventually these rumors reach Kiri’s ears and they kinda get to him.
-He knows that you haven’t been hanging out extra with Tetsutetsu since every time you guys go out he is always with you. 
-You are the type of couple who does everything together, literally. 
-Apart from being in different agencies ya’ll are holding hands almost 24/7.
-So he really doesn’t get what everyone is talking about. 
-Mineta doesn’t help. 
-He really doesn’t. 
-He starts making scenarios about what you do while Kirishima is out of the dorms; how you have wrapped both homies around your finger and toying with them. 
-Oh the very vivid scenes he creates with all three of you in a…. compromising position. 
-Kirishima hates that most of all. 
-The words coming out of Mineta’s mouth disgust him to no end and soon enough he is walking to your dorm ready to talk this through. 
-Opening the door you greet your boyfriend with a smile and a quick peck but you immediately know what is on his mind. 
- “Baby what are we gonna do?” 
-You basically whine at the question. 
-He spends the whole night at your dorm brainstorming ideas until you both pass out on your floor. 
-And your solution to the problem? 
-Ignore the whole thing and continue on with your lives. 
-He suggested maybe leaving a mark somewhere *like our boy Sho* but you shot him down saying that they would just think Tetsutetsu did it. 
-After Monoma catches you in your classroom making out on your desk though the rumors soon die out. 
Bakugou Katsuki
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-Crazy boom boom boy. 
-Your relationship is a secret because he doesn’t want to deal with all the other idiots gushing over your relationship and getting all up in your business. 
-Your relationship is a sacred thing he has sworn to protect and he won’t let Mineta’s ugly ass hands get anywhere near it. 
-Gonna taint it even with his thoughts. 
-Guard dog Bakugou bark bark. 
-It’s fairly easy to maintain a secret relationship with him. 
-Sure he might be a tiny bit calmer with you and maybe just maybe his eyes linger on you during training but yeah he treats you just like he treats all the other extras he is surrounded by. 
-Now, Bakugou is kinda *read a lot* jealous in general. 
-He doesn’t like when people he doesn’t fully trust or like, talk to you or are close to you. 
-He has butted in on your conversations with Todoroki one too many times and the poor crispy baby is so confused like why are you like this? 
-I just want the chemistry notes please let me get them in peace for once.
-You have chastised him about that manier times but your resolve melts when he pouts *YES HE POUTS AT YOU RWIHPWIE* before wrapping his strong arms around you. 
- “I just don’t wanna lose you, dumbass.” 
-You can barely make out his words as his face is buried in your stomach but you heard him and now you are tearing up at the pure emotion he is showing at these moments. 
-At the end of the day though, he trusts you. 
-He may not trust the other horny extras around you but he fully trusts you. 
-There’s no doubt about that. 
-You can imagine ,though, the instant rage he felt when he heard the girls talking about you and Deku. 
- “They do make a great couple.” 
- “Have you seen how they look at each other?” 
- “Good for her, Deku is perfect boyfriend material.” 
-First of all, how dare you, second hold the fuck up…..when did this become a WhoRe hOuSe?!?!?!?!  
-Legit someone has to shake him out of his stupor after that one. 
-You look at Deku in a certain way? 
-Fucking DEKU?!?!?! 
-THoughts are swirling in his mind almost pouring out of his ears when he hears the voice. 
-That annoying ass voice that he has engraved in his brain since childhood. 
-And the moment his eyes land upon Deku and you speaking, he sees red. 
-He is pouncing on Deku in -5 seconds, the poor green haired boy completely unaware of what hit him, literally. 
-They are on the floor wrestling on another, you screaming at Katsuki to stop and get his shit together while your boyfriend is spewing curse after curse at the OFA user simultaneously asking what the hell he was doing with HIS girlfriend. 
-Aizawa had to break them up. 
-They both got detention even though Deku did literally nothing. 
-Katsuki was denied cuddles for a whole week and he was set on explaining duty now that the cat was out of the bag. 
Midoriya Izuku 
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-Izuku is the best boyfriend anyone could ask for. 
-He is loyal, shows emotions, is good at communicating with you, has incredible date ideas although he is kinda forgetful at times and his packed schedule doesn’t leave enough time to spend with you, at least not as much as he wants, but he always tries to make up for it in other ways.
-You love how much trust he puts in you. 
-You couldn’t be more grateful. 
-But Izuku has his insecurities. 
-At times it becomes hard for him to understand why exactly you’ve chosen him to love when you could have anyone you wanted in this school. 
-He can’t wrap his pretty little head around the reason why you stay with him when the only thing you get out of all this is others saying you deserve better than some crybaby. 
-It has become his mission to prove to you that he isn’t what others say he is; he isn’t some crybaby, he is a hero in training who won’t hesitate to risk his life for you. 
-You have reassured him multiple times that you don’t care what others say.
-You fell in love with him, him and all of his flaws. 
-No one told you that you should fall for him and no you didn’t agree to date him out of pity. 
-Most of the time you manage to erase those thoughts from his mind replacing them with the warm feeling of your love.
-But there comes a time when no matter what you say, the words of other people will get the best of him and it will be a struggle to build himself back up. 
-He is thankful to have you by his side during those moments because then he truly feels weak, he feels helpless, he knows these things shouldn’t bother him. 
-He loves you and you love him end of story, but they do get to him. 
-One of the worst times he questioned if he was good enough was during your third year. 
-Being in the support department you couldn’t be by his side 24/7 but you did always manage to see him during breaks to the point the whole class knew you and slowly became your friends. 
-The thing is they thought you two were also friends; neither had ever mentioned your relationship and things felt so comfortable between you that they assumed that you were really close friends. 
-Izuku had suggested keeping your relationship on the down low; him being in the hero course and having created rather the reputation, he was afraid that you would be dragged into something dangerous. 
-Plus All Might advised you two to keep it a secret and All Might’s words are law. 
-Izuku loved how well you got along with his friends, it meant that when he revealed your relationship they would all welcome you with open arms. 
-What he didn’t expect though was for them to start shipping you with someone else. 
-For some weird reason the girls of his class started obsessing over your interactions with Bakugou and soon after that they started trying to get you two alone in the same room, much to your dismay. 
-In reality, Bakugou was the only person who knew about your relationship. 
-He had ran into you as you were leaving Izuku’s dorm room, catching you two kiss goodnight. 
-Bakugou, as much as he disliked Izuku, would never get in the way of your relationship and he hated this ship shit as much maybe even more than you did. 
-Izuku was ready to crawl into a whole and die. 
-You had to stay in his room for almost a whole month to calm him down completely, him flying you to your own building in the morning so you don’t get in trouble. 
-It was a difficult time aand his classmate’s comments didn’t help one bit. 
-The tipping point was when he overheard Mina devising a plan of setting you guys up. 
-He walked down to the common room the next day with you next to him, hands intertwined, a hickey barely visible under the hem of HIS shirt, shocking everyone in the vicinity. 
-A new ship was created *after they harassed you for answers*
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hatboyproject · 3 years
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This is very long, but it might be of interest to someone, somewhere. I was asked recently about the direction I'm taking this romance in and whether or not I'll be addressing certain disability specific subjects within it. The answer, of course, is yes - I have always planned to do this in one form or another. Whilst no single piece of media can address everything I'd like to say on the subject, and I am working within the bounds of a larger story with its own pacing and focus to consider, there's still room to touch on some of these things.
I'm aware that my interpretations won't always be the same as others'. They are my interpretations, coloured by my experiences and feelings, and ultimately, this is my mod - I'm writing it for everybody who 'wears the ballcap,' so to speak! But, it's my interpretation of this character that I'm trying to share with everyone. Different people "took the helm" (laugh, I'm hilarious!) on writing Jeff across the trilogy, and as time has gone on I've been trying to convince myself that it's okay to have my turn at doing that, too - albeit in a non-professional capacity. So... Let's get into my interpretation of Jeff, where his stuff comes from on my view, and how things went to get him to where we are at the beginning of ME3, where the romance can occur.
A lot of how I interpret him comes from experiences in my own life with my own issues, and with those of my loved ones, some of whom are physically disabled in similar (but not identical) ways to Jeff. Some of this carries an element of catharsis for me.
Mechanically and narratively speaking, what draws me to writing this romance is the contrast between how these two characters are strong. It's this core idea that strength doesn't have only one manifestation in a person. That loving somebody doesn't have to be done only one way, that it can be beautiful and passionate and fulfilling - even if, when it gets physical, the headboard can't exactly be made to shatter with the force of it all. For me, it's also an exercise in insecurity and dealing with feelings of frustrated inadequacy - something that has plagued me my whole life.
Yes, yes, he's fictional - but the only way for me to really get into a character is to think about them as if they're a real being. When I look at Jeff as a person, I see many things... Some very positive, some pretty negative... I try to see him as a complete person with strengths and flaws.
On the surface he is often defensive, dismissive, sarcastic, and emotionally avoidant. But why is that? He is highly skilled, dedicated and capable, and knows it, but at the same time is a person who is constantly overlooked, underestimated, and asked to work thrice as hard to get the same considerations. Even then, his validity is questioned often by almost everyone around him. Over time, combined with the realities of living with his physical condition, this has given him some deep-seated insecurities. He feels the need to brag about his skills because they are, ultimately, the one thing about himself that he is absolutely certain has real worth. He overcompensates for this by abusing rules and technicalities wherever he can, because I think he knows that if he played life by the rules, he'd never have gotten anywhere. It's a stacked deck, so why not hide some aces up his sleeve? When you don't fit in the box provided, you question the value of every box you see.
When a person lives with this long enough, it can get hard to swim against the tide of society's expectations and still remain chipper about it, let alone not internalise some of it. It can cause a person to create a shell constructed out of distrust and untruth.
Living with a disability can really suck sometimes, and the suck is compounded when having to deal with your own frustrations plus those of others. In my personal experience, that happens a lot.
There is a certain sense of alienation that it can create, and it can become a kind of Sword of Damocles. It can be easier to anticipate rejection and others' assumptions, inabilities to understand or relate than to keep reaching out, only to have the same tired conversations about being different. I see a lot of this in him. I understand the chip he has on his shoulder.
I also see an extremely sensitive, empathetic, devoted and boundlessly loving person under all that. In fact, it's because of these things that I think he actively tries to distance himself. At the core of his being, I see Jeff as somebody who loves quickly and completely. I think he sees that as a vulnerability, incompatible with what he's learned he has to do to survive... and also with the machismo thing that comes with being a pilot. I think on some level he's terrified of that about himself, but he also can't help it. Jeff is ride or die. So, he tells himself he doesn't care and never lets anyone in. Any time anyone showed interest, he'd shut them down, alienate them, distance himself, and get in the seat of something that flies.
I think up until now, (ME3) he's seen intimacy both as a thing he longs for, but is also afraid of because of his fundamental knowledge that he is different. He thinks he can't "measure up" to what he sees all around him. He sees romance as something that will lead to his inevitable rejection and being crushed, emotionally - and if he's not careful, physically, too. I think he's embarrassed about that as well. He's very interested where it comes to all that, but the things he likes to watch, he knows he can't do like that. His only experience is second-hand as a voyeur, so some of his perceptions about that are unhealthy for him. I think any kind of attempt by the medical professionals in his life to broach the topic and offer support on, he's angrily changed the subject, or stopped listening to, because of the entire mess above. I think Jeff is kind of a lonely person, and some of it is self-imposed, though the reasons for him thinking it's the right thing to do aren't all within his control.
All this is difficult for him to reconcile with, because he has been desperately in love with his commanding officer since almost the moment s/he met him, but entirely unprepared to face it.
I think at first it was easy for him to dismiss it as a stupid crush. Everyone gets them when cramped up in close quarters in stressful situations and the Commander's magnetism was hard to ignore. But then it became clear that Shepard really hadn't read his file and really hadn't made any assumptions at all about him. S/he just wanted to know him, and as time progressed and that actually bore out, it got hard not to really feel something powerful, even though s/he was the Commander and it wasn't strictly appropriate to think that way. But, then there was that thing about not fitting in the box provided...
I think he agonised over coming to Shepard with it, but ultimately decided it would be selfish with everything they were going through. I think there was a part of him that decided s/he'd never be interested anyway, not when there were other, healthier people to choose from... People who didn't have these hangups or need special accommodations made for them. I think he decided to keep it to himself, for what he felt was both their sakes.
If/When the Commander quietly hooked up with someone else, I think he had a lot of feelings all at once. On the one hand, the person he cared for most was finding some peace in all the craziness. On the other, he wished that particular brand of peace was shared with him. Most of the time there were more important things to worry about, but during downtime, I think it was on his mind a lot.
I think he feels very sheepish about it, but occasionally his jealousy got the better of him and he interrupted Shepard at moments that got too hard to watch on the security cams. He watched the cams around the ship lot, and listened in on all the others a fair bit. I think because he saw himself as being at a remove from most people in a lot of ways, it was easy to justify that to himself. I think he saw it kind of like listening to a podcast or a soap opera or... Nature documentary, almost, or something. He got to know all of them in this way... Parasocially at first, but gradually, socially too. He felt better about trying, because he had this secret edge. Not the greatest stuff he's ever done, but... Complete person. Strengths and flaws.
And then, the unthinkable happened. He couldn't accept that the ship was dying. He was sure he could save it... But when Shepard's hand touched his shoulder, when s/he'd come back for him, he knew it was over. And then, it really was over. Shepard paid the price for his arrogance. The person he wanted to protect the most spun off out into space. The communicator between his mask and that helmet was still in range for long enough that he could hear the choking. For a long time afterward, even hearing people cough made the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end.
The Alliance grounded him. I don't think he even had the capacity to be mad about it. I think that was a hard time for Jeff. I think between being burdened with the knowledge of the Reapers, the loss of Shepard, and the weight of his guilt, he was pretty close to the very, very edge when Cerberus knocked on his door and made him a bunch of promises. Pretty sure those promises had nothing to do with leather seats and everything to do with Project Lazarus. I'm very sure that the promise of Shepard coming back is the reason he even let Cerberus pay for the surgeries he agreed to undergo, because I don't think he valued himself much at all at that point. I'm pretty sure it was being ready to help Shepard that he was thinking about when he was learning to walk on his painful legs without crutches for the very first time. When Cerberus offered him a big shiny reset button I think he took it without hesitation because there wasn't anything else to hope for. I think seeing Shepard in the docking bay galvanised him and without ever telling them so, he pledged his life to them even harder than before. I think he told himself that he would support Shepard in every way he could. He would go wherever, do whatever, and when dealing with him, try to give them what he knew they needed; a goddamn break.
So, fast forward again, and now we are here. With all of this in mind... Shepard might have had a dalliance with someone else, or might've been too damaged by their previous love interest on Horizon, or whatever. Either way, I think Jeff saw it as not his business to even dream about that. I think the guilt tore him up every time he looked at Shepard. I think he felt like on some level, he deserved the pain of unrequited feelings which only ever got more intense. If he didn't think himself worthy of it back then, doubly so now. I think during the six months of house arrest, he tried to visit, but the Alliance denied his every attempt. Then the attack on Earth happened.
And so now we have Jeff, who, just like other humans is confused and groping about for a sense of what's up and what's down. Fortunately for him, Shepard is part of that sense of stability. He's just better at hiding it, because avoiding it and telling himself to focus elsewhere is second nature to him by this point. But things are a little different, now. Shepard seems looking around for a connection too. Future days seem short in number and the rulebook less and less important by the minute. Denying it to himself becomes impossible, and even EDI prods him about it. Shepard won't stop being so goddamn nice to him and even responds with things that if he didn't know better, he could interpret as... But then all the old insecurities come rushing back and he's walking on his own damn eggshells again. Fuck it. It's time to admit it. To come clean. S/he has to know.
So he asks. And s/he accepts. He's equal parts thrilled, stunned and terrified. He's even on some level, suspicious. Is s/he setting him up for a fall? Are they angry about his responsibility? What do they want out of this, actually? He hasn't explained what it'd be like. That what they're doubtlessly expecting of him is unrealistic. That he's completely inexperienced. I think at this point, he's a bit pissed off with himself and feeling a lot of dread because he's pretty sure how this is going to go. He realises he's got so caught up in it that he's done things in the wrong order. Damage control. He has to talk with Shepard and explain what s/he should expect from him, because it will be different. Manage expectations because he's had to manage his own. He goes in steeled.
But s/he knows it will be different, it turns out. As ever, Shepard has made no assumptions whatsoever. S/he only wants to get to know him. Wants him for everything he is, and accepts what he is not. It was never an issue for them beyond understanding how to work with it, because he is worthy just as he is, and has worked hard enough. He has to teach them about his limitations, about underestimating and overestimating... But where there's a will, there's a way. Time for a few shared moments of peace before the end of days, and through all the craziness, something feels right at last. He feels safe enough to let Shepard in properly. Thus begins his reassessment of himself and reckoning with letting go of the insecurities he has that aren't actually his own, but come from outside.
Also he totally gets to sext the Commander now when s/he's on missions. Nice.
So. There's a lot more I could say and expound upon but it's been hours and I have stuff to do. That's my direction. It's not going to suit everyone, and I doubt I can get everything across... But I'll try. I'm just one person, with just one perspective, with just one version of this story. But I hope people like what I come up with surrounding this framework, because I have lived a lot of it myself. Just a few less Reapers in my version. Not everyone's experiences and responses will be the same.
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bunny-hoodlum · 2 years
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Asynchronous With You: Ch 6
ship: naruhina
rating: teen (quite possibly mature or explicit later)
tags: Modern Day AU, Foster Siblings, Family, Angst, Unrequited Love, Poor Communication, Missed Opportunities
summary: An awkward journey full of self-denial and missed moments between two foster siblings. Perhaps their love will find the right timing someday.
"I think everyone should know," she said.
They were walking the usual route to their high school, the train station coming up ahead. Naruto kept a protective though furtive gaze on Hinata as he walked behind her on the steps.
He swore she's never modified her skirt. It would be against the dress code she's forced to protect. So he has no idea why it feels like he's seeing more of her than usual.
"Know what?"
Usually he's already doing this, because he's worried about perverts. Even in grade school, he was worried. If it weren't for their teachers educating them on Stranger Danger, he probably would have had to do it himself.
He had to learn it the hard way before Kurenai-obasan took him in, but so did Neji apparently. That's why he's gotten good at being less obvious with his suspicion, and also why he can better tell apart intent based on their body language.
He used to perceive everything around him to be potentially malicious. He never realized the toll that had been taking on him until Neji taught him how to really see.
He stood close behind her on the platform as they waited.
"That we're fosters."
A burst of wind shot through the platform, ruffling overcoats and business suits and whipping pleated skirts and loose hair in a sudden frenzy.
The PA announced the train's arrival, and it wheezed to a stop soon after.
He observed Hinata as she flattened her skirt down and smoothed her bangs, but none of it registered in his brain.
It was simply auto-pilot for him to follow her onto the train, then using his larger frame to block the other passengers from nearing his little sister.
Right. His foster sister.
In all of their nine years together, they've never told anyone. It wasn't that it seemed weird, it just… never occurred to them?
But now it did seem pretty weird.
"Why, though? In a couple years, it's not going to matter anymore."
She turned her face against her shoulder to look at him, but he didn't know what she was thinking. It was the same schooled features she put on last night when visiting Neji, like there was a one-way mirror and only she could see through him.
Then she looked away.
"You're not going to introduce a girlfriend to Kurenai one of these days?"
"Hmm?" The suggestion bloomed in his mind and quickly withered. The idea wasn't… very appealing. Something about inviting judgment onto his life and stuff. He defends himself in every aspect but at home, and he'd rather keep coasting on the good thing he's got. "Dunno. Hadn't ever thought about it."
He certainly wasn't going to introduce any of the one's he's taken to bed when the apartment was empty. He's rarely done it with the same girl twice, mainly because he can't help but lose interest.
He blames it on sexual incompatibility.
"Well, I know I will."
He misses the melancholy hedging around her words, and latches onto the opportunity for an easy ribbing.
"You're gonna bring a girlfriend over?" he's happy she shoots him a look so that she can see his corny grin, otherwise he worried she might've mistaken him for serious.
He's nonplussed by the severity of her glare, but then she says "Maybe when you're not around," and he no longer knows what to think.
"Wait, what? Hinata?" He's craning left and right in hopes of catching a smirk or a giggle from her, but she's evasive. Has she? "Hinata, are you--?" And since third grade she said? "Also, what's that supposed to mean 'when I'm not around'? Huh? Hey, what's that supposed to mean 'when I'm not around'?? Hinata???"
"We're getting off topic--"
"Bullshit! I have questions!"
She ignored him.
"I vote to tell our friends that we're fosters. And I'd like to have it taken care of during Lunch. What's your vote?"
Is this what she sounds like during her Public Morals Committee meetings? Because it was doing something to him.
Oh, right. She wanted an honest answer.
But… "What do you get out of announcing this? I mean, aside from knowing how to introduce me in the future or whatever. Have you thought this through at all?"
What's the rest of the school going to say?
The guys who share their skin mags with him might get wary and reject him. The girls he's dumped might try to get to him through her. Teachers might give up on disciplining him, essentially offloading their responsibilities onto her as both Public Morals Committee and his sister. And he wasn't having any of that shit again.
All kinds of things could bite them in the ass one way or another.
She hasn't replied to him at all, and he thinks she's upset again, but he has to make his point.
"Hinata, the way things are now isn't broken, so what are you trying to fix?"
"It would help me."
"Huh? How? With what?" He waited, and she was silent. A drop of dread sank in his chest for her. "So something is wrong," He leaned in closer, causing her to shrink. He sighed. "Hinata, for someone who wants the world to know we're fosters, you sure don't seem willing to rely on me like a sibling."
"I don't favor Neji-niisan over you."
"Yeah, well, you don't have to," Tension clutched at their throats. "People always have more history with their blood. I can't really compete, y'know?"
He can't compete at all, actually.
Sometimes he thinks his only true brother is Sasuke, but he still wants to work at this. She just has to let him.
"I'm sorry. I just thought it would be less lonely if we could talk to each other normally again. And we only see each other at school these days, so…"
He envisioned her waving to him in the halls between periods, or her having a reason to cheer him on during a deadlift tournament. It would prevent people from making the wrong idea about them.
Damn, he felt stupid now.
"Fine!" He intoned with mock-annoyance. "If it'll make you happy."
She looked over her shoulder again, and what she found was his warm, supportive smile.
________________________
Hinata gathered her friends, Kiba, Shino, Ino and Sakura.
And he gathered his friends, Sasuke, Shikamaru, and Chouji.
Ino had tsked in distaste when she saw Sasuke, had gone as far as to drag Sakura away so that the others sat in-between them. He caught some sort of nickname from her lips, but wasn't sure what she had really said.
As Naruto stood before them alongside Hinata, his gaze fell on the skinny lad scribbling away at his sketchbook, and immediately his fight instinct was switched on.
"What's your monochromatic ass doing here??! Did anyone invite him?!" He jabbed a finger in Sai's direction.
The monotone, softboy, little creep didn't even look up.
"I'm making a record of these proceedings for posterity," he lifted the sketchpad and flipped it around.
Inkified Naruto was pointing right back at him with an agape snarl. Sai then proceeded to show everyone else individually, and they all cracked up, one by one.
Ino was absolutely dying. Stomach-clutching and tears rolling, the whole nine yards. She snatched the sketchpad from Sai and begged if she could keep it.
"Whaddya want that for??" Naruto interrogated. He was so about to punch Sai and throw his art supplies in the pool. This was Hinata's announcement and the softboy was ruining it.
Ino mockingly tilted the sketchbook side to side. "Something to keep your ego in check, Charato."
Hinata faintly snorted. He wasn't sure until he saw how she had her face turned around and her shoulders were lightly trembling.
He frowned at her, feeling betrayed.
"Ahhhh, alright, enough! Me and Hinata have gathered you all here for a reason! So shut up and listen! Hinata, tell them!"
Hinata jolted out of her humor, her face flushing as though this were the first time she's done public speaking.
"Uh, Uhm… Naruto-kun and I… we're foster siblings. We, uh… we live together," Hinata froze up under their collective stares. With a stiff smile, she half-heartedly sang "Ta-da," and punctuated it with rather embarrassed jazz hands.
"And as our friends, you're the first to know," Naruto added. "Also we don't care if the whole school finds out. So don't worry, we're not sharing this out of confidentiality."
Their collective shock evaporated rather quickly.
Sakura was the first to speak. "Well, that answers a lot of questions. And raises plenty more." She ended it with a growl and a glare. That accusatory look irked him.
"Feel free to ask away! I've got nothin' to hide!"
Sakura flattened the back of her skirt as she rose up like a dignitary representing The House of Hyuuga. And then like a certain video game attorney, she pointed at him.
"I always wondered why you obsessively protected Hinata in the past, but never showed any romantic initiative towards her. Now I have to ask, knowing the sex maniac that you are: Do you ever sneak into her bedroom?"
"No," He answered unconvincingly. He looked at the jury one by one, unsure how much of their scrutiny was sincere or misperceived. Sasuke was leaning forward, arms circling around his knees. He looked a little too interested in the idea of him and Hinata… doing things… "I-I've never done that! I would never do that! Hinata's special to me, okay?! You've got a filthy fuckin' mind, Haruno!"
"Me?! You've tried to sneak into the female locker rooms!" Sakura took off her shoe and slugged it at him. "Multiple times!"
Naruto hunched up and twisted away as the shoe smacked his shoulder and bounced away.
Hinata moved in between him and the one-woman mob. "Okay, this is getting out of hand--"
"I will never fucking do that to Hinata. I was in an orphanage for six years. And they're not all run by saints."
Dammit.
This was way more than he ever wanted to share.
He took a few steps back before turning tail. He jogged downhill as fast as he could.
What was he doing?
Uzumaki Naruto doesn't run away.
But it was either that, or… have them watch him cry.
________________________
AN: So this is missing a scene cuz I cut it. I might not use it anymore, and instead I'll see if the backstory I had expanded upon will be worked in later on in the plot. Because before I started writing this, I had anticipated that things would actually get cuter from here on out. (Also anticipating that I may work in at least one smutty chapter in the future. Yeah, it's totally diverging from this fic's original concept when I posted it for Secret Santa, but that's okay!) And the total Ego Death I unexpectedly wrote just feels kind of Deus Ex Machina in a way to Naruto's vices. I just can't have him maturing right now. That's a plot route I don't have any material for, and I don't quite see it as not defeating the other stuff I had planned to write. (I'm also happy to state that I'm starting to get a better picture of how to condense this content on AO3, because I honestly feel like this could be Ch. 2 now. :B I mean, it's too short on its own if I do, but it kinda has that hook for the rest of the story.)
I hope you enjoyed this update! 😘💕💕💕
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maoam · 3 years
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Dont get me wrong, im not a fan of SS or NH either and i'd love to agree with your posts pointing out how stupid they are if so much of your opinion wasnt based on your fanon/interpretation of the character's personality especially sasuke and sakura's which are far away from how they are in canon. Sakura isnt some horrible mastermind witch who loves to manipulate people for her selfish gains and sasuke isnt some gullible kind hearted person who would just be manipulated or guilt tripped into being in a relationship he hates and even if he'd be "guilt tripped" into being in a relationship with someone it'd be karin since he ACTUALLY betrayed her after she tried to help him throughout his fight and didnt just try to kill her bc of self defence in case of sakura
Hell, naruhina comes off as more of a guilt trip relationship than SS since people literally keep TELLING naruto how perfect hinata is for her and how stupid he was for ignoring her and how his crush on sakura was bc of his rivalry with sasuke but noone asks him how he actually feels about her. He just gets put on in a genjutsu where he sees hinata stalking him and suddenly is in love with her. Even kishimoto admitted that he paired them up bc he felt sorry for hinata
If you are going to uphold some random badly translated or not even proven to be real interviews of kishimoto where he apparently says that sakura chased sasuke until he "gave in" as canon proof (which wouldn't even make sense since HE was the one to poke her forehead and tell her that he'll take her along with him next time) then you also will have to take into account all of the interviews where kishimoto says that he based naruto and sasuke from him and HIS BROTHER and that naruto and sasuke are REINCARNATED BROTHERS
You cant just use "" canon interviews "" to prove how a certain ship sucks but then ignore canon interviews which make you look like an incest shipper. Why not just write off SS and NH as incompatible ships and enjoy SNS content like the rest of us do? Posts like that are exactly why every other segment of naruto fandom mocks tumblr sns shippers
How do you just ignore Kakashi and Sakura both told Sasuke she suffers and cries herself to sleep from loving him? How is it any different from NH in the movie? Second, he never told Sakura he’d take her next time.
I have never referred to that interview anywhere in my posts for the exact reason no one has proven it’s real, when I say Sakura chased Sasuke I refer to what Karin said. The rest is the “addiction” comment and the comment about Sasuke dealing with Sakura by not being home. You clearly don’t even read my posts.
If even many in the Japanese fandom call Sakura a stalker and crazy then why can’t I?
There was one interview like that, personally I have never seen the original source for it but regardless, I have seen relationships in fiction before that are partly based on someone’s sibling relationship and partly on some other, Naruto and Sasuke don’t act like brothers for the most part, and Naruto kept insisting during the war they are not real brothers, but friends. If Kishimoto feels that way fully towards his own brother then I’m worried for Seishi. 😅 Also you didn’t really seem to understand how the Ashura/Indra thing works, there are couple posts about it in the sns fandom.
Please you are SS shipper in disguise, just block me and leave my inbox. Also why do you think I care what some random people outside of tumblr think about me? Also you lost every credibility when you said “makes you look like an incest shipper”.
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hcpefulmarshmallow · 3 years
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Anonymous said:
Once i saw a video on youtube explaining a certain "anime character type", and it compared Akechi with Nagito. (I dont remember the other characters the video mentioned) what are your thoughts about it? Do you think they're similar?
You know, Anon, the dumb lizard brain that governs my every impulse wants to point at them and say: “mentally unstable twinks with great hair and a Very Heterosexual rivalry with the protagonist” and call it a day. Here’s the thing, though: my feelings about Akechi started strong and stayed that way throughout my Persona 5 experience, though the nature of those feelings has changed drastically since my first impression. (And I quote: “Who’s this Light Yagami-looking motherfucker? No, I don’t trust him. That smile is the last thing someone saw.”) And I want to talk about him. I also never don’t want to talk about Nagito. So you know what? I’m gonna. 
 Spoilers, by the way. 
    ---
 In short, I do feel they fall into a very specific character archetype. Namely: the morally ambiguous foil to the main character. Not a villain, not a hero, but rather somebody who follows their own moral code. With a dash of insanity, of course, because anime gonna anime. 
 For me, their most intriguing similarities run deeper than a trope, however, and it all starts with this inflated sense of self-importance they seem to share. I know what I said, just go with me on this one. 
 Nagito, at a glance, seems to have the very opposite of an ego. Forever putting himself down, calling himself all kinds of worthless, and willingly throwing his very life at every cause that comes his way. But herein lies the contradiction that defines him as a character. For all his espousing that the hopeless may never be hopeful, he still leaps at the chance to become worthy. He wants so badly to be more than he is, that he struggles to see a world outside his own perception. He is, of course, compassionate and empathetic; but, unlike Hajime (or even Joker), whose talent with people comes from their respective abilities to remove themselves from a situation and see it as someone else would in order to make a moral judgement, Nagito cannot fathom a world that doesn’t conform to his ideals. Hope and despair, good and back luck -- and there he sits in the eye of it all, defeated yet somehow untouchable. He can’t watch someone trip three feet away from him without assuming his luck has played some role in it. 
 Akechi is much the same way, though he owns it a little better. He sees all things as means towards his ends. He has his idea of how the world and it’s people work, and therein lie his issues with Joker. Because he plays by his own rules, which are fundamentally incompatible with Akechi’s. Much in the same way as Nagito becomes fixated on Hajime, the Ultimate, talentless, worthless, most shining beacon of hope there is; Akechi sees how Joker is consistently beaten down by life and yet strives to carve his own path, and is unable to cope with either the jealously or the admiration he feels, never mind any combination thereof. Moreover, he, too, desires to rise above and be more than he is: the hero of his own story, despite taking rather unheroic steps to get there. 
 I would, of course, be remiss not to mention the similarities in their upbringings that lead to these insecurities. Nagito lost both his parents at a young age, and from there, we’re given no indication of any long-term adult influence in his life. Quite the opposite, he seems to have been demeaned and shunned by his extended family at large. It is also implied at times that his parents were not very loving, though there is some debate around that, so take it as you will. Akechi was abandoned by his father who deemed his mother beneath him because she was a sex worker, and was left with a seething hatred for the man because of it. After his mother’s suicide, he was passed from institution to institution, likewise having no long-term positive influence in his life.
 Both were left to, essentially, raise themselves; glean their own image of the world and build their moral compass around lives that were unimaginably cruel, ruthless, and unfair. Thus, it’s likely their worst behaviours could have been avoided, had they stable home lives. Of course, this is no excuse, plenty of people grow up in unstable environments and don’t go on to harm others, however, it places them a step above senseless. In fact, they also share an incredible intellect, charm, good looks, and quite the way with words. If you’ve played both games, you know what I’m talking about. 
 Furthermore, they have this habit of standing on the outside, looking in. Nagito spends much of DR2 implying heavily that he would like to spend more time with the others as their friend, but does little to actually reach out to them. Viewing himself below them, and seeing no reason why such incredible people would want to hang out with trash like him. Akechi also keeps the Thieves at a distance. There are many times when they reach out to him, offer to help him find his way -- and he almost seems to want to. Yet it is as if he doesn’t know how. He has no idea what, besides hatred and spite, could possibly fuel him. Nor does he really know what there is for him to gain from forming genuine bonds with others, or why he should want them. But he does, that much is clear. They each crave acceptance, while accepting it as a lost cause, even as the protagonist of their respective games has their hand out to them. And this, once again, can likely be traced to their equally terrible upbringings, and lack of any real understanding of the world as it is, rather than as they see it. 
 I could absolutely go on all day down this path. And, hell, at some point, I might. But the overall theme I’m getting at here, is this delicate balance these two characters walk. Being soft and charming, and deadly and dangerous. Intelligent, yet profoundly ignorant. Eccentric and borderline reprehensible, but at the same time, deeply relatable, and extremely likeable. They aren’t psycho for the sake of it, and I’ll argue that to my grave. But moreover, what we have here is the ultimate products of the worlds they were made for. Parallels are drawn constantly between Nagito and Hajime, Akechi and Joker, in a “there but for the grace of god go I” way, and it falls the same every time. Joker forged a home among friends, and people he considered family. Even after being hurt, he found the strength to be vulnerable for someone, and that someone happened to be the right someone; and though these people, he became stronger still. Likewise, Hajime took risks, took responsibility, and became respected and loved through hard work and compassion. He faced his own fear of worthlessness, and in the end, he didn’t fold to it the way Nagito did. He built his own purpose in life, and it was as full of hope as any Ultimate’s. These are feats beyond comprehension to our antiheroes, who may well have turned out to be the heroes after all if they’d only been shown the same support and care. And that’s why I think this character type appeals to so many people, and why these characters become so beloved. I think we become invested in their stories, and we want to show them compassion. There’s a reason why Nagito and Akechi are frequently shipped around, why they exist in so many fix-it fics. At the end of the day, we know the difference between bad people, and people who do bad things. It’s that, the latter may not be beyond saving. 
 And finally, can I...? If you’ve played the third semester of Royal, they really just make Akechi Like That, huh? In the original Japanese, he was apparently supposed to just come off as tired and not particularly wanting to mend any of his relationships or mistakes since he knew his death was looming, so I’m not sure why they took one look at this complex character development and said, “Hm, let’s just make him balls to the wall, shall we?” but hey. I’ve got to give it to his VA, I had to put down my controller several times because holy shit. Just. Holy shit. Give that man all of the awards. All of them, every single one, please. 
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krosaceae · 3 years
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1, 3, 5, 15 :)
Fanfic Writer Questions! Feel free to send me an ask :)
Thanks a ton for the ask! I'll be answering all these in regards to Barriers, quite possibly the world's most self-indulgent Graire fic (Read on AO3 or FFN)
1. If you had to create a soundtrack for your story, what songs would you choose? Why?
Damn, this is so hard considering how much music I listen to while writing/planning Barriers. I do name my chapters after songs that inspired me while writing said chapter, so I figure my soundtrack would end up being those songs. 
There are over 20 songs on that bad boy, and I already feel like this post is going to be long, so you can view/listen to the playlist HERE! I’ll continue updating it as I post new chapters :-)
As for why I picked these songs… or really why I pick any of the songs on any of my playlists. It’s all about the feels, how the music and the lyrics come together to take me to a place I need to go to be creative. You know the feel you get when you listen to a song, and it just reminds you of an emotion, a place, a memory, etc.? I’m not sure if that makes sense lol, but the mood that a song creates in my little Brain World helps me find words to put on the page. Music a lot of the time helps interface Brain Scenes into Written Word, and these songs above did just that… and happened to have names that I enjoyed as chapter titles lmao. 
Either way, I do have some Barriers playlists that I will shamelessly plug here.
Gray’s playlist
Claire’s playlist
The ~Graire~ playlist
Rest is under the cut because ya girl went in hehe
3. If you had to direct a scene from your fic, what would you choose? Why? What would it look like? What techniques would you use to convey certain emotions? What would the set look like?
Oooh. Hands down Chapter 8, the Fireworks Festival, particularly when Gray finds out that Claire’s pregnant. AH. Such an emotional scene and I would love to take advantage of the fireworks in the background. I’ll be honest that I don’t watch very many movies, and I’m not a director in the slightest, so I have no idea what the fuck I’m talking about.
So obviously our set is Claire’s farm at night. I imagine everything dark and quiet outside, the only light being Claire’s house. Almost shooting that bitch like a scary movie at first because like, Gray is terrified and I’d want viewers to feel that same way.
When Gray finally finds Claire and she’s on the verge of losing her shit, you zoom in on the tears, the soaked blanket, just Claire’s general state of disarray (which at this point, is out of character for the way she's presented herself) the way she grips Gray’s shirt, etc. And once she finally starts talking I picture the camera just focused on the two of them, because Gray is on the edge of his seat waiting to find out what the fuck is going on and doesn’t see ANYTHING else. Plus the booming fireworks going off in the back just as the situation is getting more intense. Claire would say that she’s pregnant and then the screen would go black lmao.
5. What makes your main ship so compatible? Or, what makes them so incompatible? What do they see in each other?
Oooh. This is complicated, because right now where I’m currently at in the fic it could go either way. As much as I would LOVE to spoil everything, I’m going to speak only for where I’m at in the story.
Gray and Claire are quite compatible at their best, v incompatible at their worst. When the two of them both get out of their head and are real with the other, they work well together. Both are sarcastic, sassy, witty, and have similar senses of humor. They both appreciate the value of hard work and dedication to their craft, and overall, want to be successful in life by their own means. In addition to liking the way the other makes them feel and just like… generally finding the other attractive, I think Claire and Gray admire the other’s drive and passion to some degree. They feel like having someone like that around them (whether it be a friend or… y’know, something else >.>) helps them stay on track. Additionally, some of the things they experienced before moving to town, in addition to experiencing the whole pregnancy thing together, helps them connect and understand each other in ways that maybe others around them can’t. Neither of them likes to be judged, so at times this is conducive to them feeling safe enough to confide things in the other that they may not do with anyone else.
However, Claire and Gray are both also really fucking good at building walls (Hence the name of the fic lol.) and spend a lot of time either hiding, running, or pushing people away. At their worst, their relationship is a grease fire. Both have a tendency to mask how they’re actually feeling for various reasons, despite both of them ALSO valuing honesty from others. It's the hypocrisy for me. Claire’s gut reaction is usually to tell people what she thinks they want to hear, lying for the sake of self-preservation because GOD FORBID she be rejected or be perceived negatively. Gray’s gut reaction is to do or say nothing. He fears vulnerability and doesn’t want to be seen as weak, so if he’s not consciously thinking about it, he’s going to say and do whatever will keep the illusion that he’s got it together. Which is just usually acting unbothered and pushing everything down until he’s beyond bothered. The main issue is that they both also say and do things they don’t mean when upset, and it doesn’t help that for some reason Claire seems to really get under Gray’s skin, and vice versa. Their arguing styles are pretty combative, so without any framework for de-escalating the situation, shit can get pretty nasty between them. Especially when jealousy and other complicated feelings get involved. *Wink wink*
15. Pick a previous relationship (or multiple) of your character’s. Explain how that/those impact the way they navigate their way through relationships now.
Hehe. I’d love to talk about Claire’s previous relationship(s), but I’m going to focus on Gray because he’s the main character and like, major spoilers.
Gray and Mary though. Ah. What a beautifully confusing clusterfuck. There was a lot of push/pull in Mary and Gray’s relationship, and it's intentionally confusing in the fic. Idk if any of you have ever had a friend that you’re really close with, one that you’re crazy about, and you know they like you too, but for whatever reason, they don’t actually want to be exclusive or make it official? Whatever the kids are calling it nowadays. But like yeah. Both loved having the other around and hated the idea of losing them to someone else, even if they couldn’t have them. So on top of their actual friendship was a ‘relationship’ based on impulsive, desperate acts of affection, wobbly boundaries, and evading any actual conversations about it all.
For that reason, Gray is determined to be more open about how he’s feeling rather than sucking it up for the sake of not being lonely. He’s trying to be more honest and expressive instead of holding it all in moving forward, as scary as it is for him. Gray’s relatively been a man of inaction in his relationships (even before Mary), and when he did act, it was usually backed by anger, alcohol, or both. Basically the dude is just trying to take control of his relationships rather than being a passenger.
WHEW. That was a blast! I definitely wrote too much but I super appreciate the ask! <3
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kannra21 · 4 years
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Ok I think DaiSuzu shippers already know what happened in the comments section of this particular gifset post. 😂
And thanks to <I won't name the person so I don't get them in trouble whatsoever>, who warned me about this problematic situation bc goddess I wasn't even partaking in any of it, heck I didn't even know when or why it happened I was sleeping at the time bc timezones yk, so srsly, thank you v much. I'm just going to lay it all out and pinpoint some of the things which def rubbed me the wrong way bc guys, the things that I'm going to show you will make you LAUGH. LIKE. A. DRAIN.
You see, there's this clown who dared to express their opinion, mind you their opinion wasn't welcomed at all lmao. I mean, can a person have such an audacity to show off how much of a SDE they're in the possession of bc rly now, if I was in their position I'd feel embarrassed af ab the things I wrote. 😂😂
Here, take a look at the comments section. It's like I'm showing you a stage play of some tragicomedy theater show and you're, like, the audience here.
I don't know who the person is, or why they felt the need to criticize shippers in THEIR OWN shipping zone, but dude.. dude yk that the things you wrote aren't the most valid things in the world, right? It's not like you discovered America or anything. What are you even doing here? To clown yourself? Bc you're doing one hell of a job I have to tell ya. 👍👌
Especially when I can see your search history.
I saw they ship lots of gay pairings, so what? I'm not judging you for shipping your gay ships. If you like DaiHaru so much, why don't you go to DaiHaru content *which btw has plenty of it and DaiSuzu shippers will always feel jealous about that bunch but at least we're getting the canon content we deserve* and enjoy your own stuff?
There's a thick line between canon content and fanon content. If you're this frustrated about DaiSuzu becoming canon, why don't you make your own post and shit about it? And preferably write "anti-daisuzu" in the tags so that we DaiSuzu shippers wouldn't get involved in this?
We don't want to have anything to do with it.
Entering someone's chatroom *which people of your interest aren't welcomed to btw* and making a show ain't earning you any validation points. Especially when you're wrong and missing the entire point of why certain people are shipping certain ships. This person is v v sad and v v frustrated. Maybe they just want a pat on the head after a hard day? Idk, honestly I'm seeing the person for the very first time.
I can't explain on how many levels and how cringe it is to enter a conversation that doesn't even have anything to do with you expressing your negative feelings about the thing that's being discussed about.
No one cares. I could spend days talking about why DaiHaru is such a bad ship but I won't. Know why? Bc I'm not like you. And I'm not entering DaiHaru posts to talk ab why DaiHaru is so incompatible in the first place. Bc I'm not sad like you, I'm not frustrated like you are.
Instead, I'm creating my own content and being happy ab the things I like. Why don't you try practicing smtng like this? It'd make you a lot happier and less depressed.
I'm talking to you as I'm talking to a friend, I want you to be happy, ok? Everything I'm doing rn is thinking ab your health. So in order to make everyone including you happy, why don't you enjoy the stuff you like and let ppl who like their own stuff be?
@sparkling-munakatareishi what do you say? I'm not even asking you to apologize to DaiSuzu fans bc you have the right to express your own opinion *which was so uncalled for btw*, but I wish you a nice stay in this fandom without any quarrels and any other form of unkind behavior. Everyone is here to enjoy the anime, it's not just you. So I hope you won't practice this sort of behavior in the future.
I'm making this post to address not only this Tumblr user, but all DaiHaru shippers and all gay shippers. It's totally OK to have your own opinion and preferences, but as long as you're respecting other people and their own preferences it's totally OK. I mean, we can all live in harmony so why are you doing things like this?
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kendrixtermina · 5 years
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The Recruitment Freebies: Thoughts on Sylvain and Felix
Now when it comes to recruiting characters, there are 2 who kind of stand out and are, in their own way, somewhat ‘easier’ to get.
Sylvain joins you automatically if you’re playing fem Byleth, whereas Felix actually requires high stats/abilities that no one else does but since your primary weapon is most likely going to be a sword anyways and he requires sword skill, he’s actually not so hard to collect. Given that they’re both handy units (Felix kicks butt like no tomorrow, Sylvain is pretty customizable and gets a relic early on) you’re sorta encouraged to snatch one or both.
If you’ve seen them in their original environment, you’ll easily notice why: They’re kind of the kingdom’s token cynics. 
[Longer Essay Under The Cut]
The Initial Situation
One thing that stands out right away is that the Blue Lions are one of the tightest-knit groups: The Black Eagles have sort of vaguely heard of each other because most the imperial nobility lives in the capital and the one commoner used to be famous, but that’s it, only Linhardt and Dorothea really express any regret over betraying Edelgard if they do, and their fates don’t differ that much by whatever faction they’re in - Ferdinand is certainly sad to see the Empire itself go down (see that amusing line about an ‘Adrestia-shaped hole in [his] heart’) and has a minor existential crisis when his family’s lands are confiscated after he spend his whole life preparing to rule them, but while he gets that line wondering what might have become of him if Byleth had chosen a different path, he pretty much always becomes a statesman no matter who winds up on the throne.
The Golden Deer, meanwhile, are from wildly different backgrounds and even Claude just showed up last year. If they stay together, they eventually become a tight-knit group under Claude’s leadership (except Lorenz, if Byleth’s not with them), and if you recruit em,  they will largely pursue their own interests as they were never too unified to begin with, with most of the commoners saying they were never that involved in politics, and most of the nobles acting out of self-preservation or opportunism.
By contrast, most of the Blue Lions know each other personally and will be pretty conflicted about defecting from the Kingdom if you recruit them, and it’s no wonder:
Sylvain, Felix Ingrid and Dimitri were childhood friends and all big weapons enthusiasts, Dedue has followed Dimitri everywhere he went for the last few years, Anette’s father worked for Dimitri’s, Mercedes is Anette’s BFF from magic school and while Ashe didn’t know the others before since he was a poor village kid before Lonato took him in, he becomes fast friends with the rest of them due to their shared admiration of knight stories.
So in this more idealistic and old-fashioned groups, Sylvain and Felix can be thought of as the token cynics or more independently-minded characters. This is most obvious with Felix: He sticks out like a sore thumb, vocally expresses his dislike of the others and their values and basically keeps to himself on the training grounds, and its only through the other’s doormatsey dispositions that they seem determined to ignore his hostilities and continue considering him a friend whether he wants to or not. He doesn’t fit in with the other Blue Lions at all.
Sylvain, meanwhile, doesn’t stand out that much at first glance, he seems like another fairly common character archetype in the silly childhood friends lineup and gives Ingrid plenty of cause to get into Mom Friend mode,  but the whole thing with him is that while he pretends to be a hedonistic oaf, he’s actually something of a brooding intellectual type underneath, very ‘byronic’ overall.
Ultimately, both of them are motivated by a desire for, and love of freedom. (which is probably why a lot of ppl think they’d be a compatible and interesting as a romantic couple - for all their outward difference, they have a common ‘core’ there)  Sylvain has been treated all his life like his life and power don’t really belong to himself and he desperately strains against those binds by acting out, and Felix finds his countrymen to have a bit of a grostesque lemming mentality and wants no part of that.
At the same time both show their ‘cynism’ in very different ways, and neither of them is a ‘complete’ cynic, but the areas where you find their residual idealism are also different. I would say that Felix’ cynism is more apparent, while Sylvain’s runs much deeper, but more on that later.
Though he cares little about maintaining a reputation and indeed seems to sorta seek out or get a kick out doing what his father would hate, calling himself a ‘good for nothing/scoundrel/ someone who’s going to hell’, to sorta go against that pressure to be a good kid, when it comes down to it he’s actually still pretty honorable and does actually believe in The Power Of Friendship (as noted by both Ashe and Dimitri - it’s probably why they like him) He’s inclined to be a Good Guy, he just doesn’t want the pressure that goes along with it.
It reminds me a bit of that one Fiona Apple song: “Do I wanna do right? Of course./ But Do I really wanna feel I’m forced to/  answer you?/ Hell no!”
Felix meanwhile - well. Some might say he’s tsundere, and I suppose he is, stock phrases wise, but to put it more specifically what he is is counterdependent.  Which is a word commonly used to describe that teenage behavior of always doing the exact opposite of what your parents or the mainstream do, thereby being just as influenced as a dependent person. It’s closer to being dependent than indepedent - He wants badly to be independent, but doesn’t really know how. He still very much has attachments to his father and his oldtime childhood friends, he just rejects them fiercely, because between Glenn’s death and his first deployment to Sreng, he came to see that attachment as something that will destroy him, something incompatible with self-preservation. He still dearly loves Rodrigue, Dimitri and the others, but he doesn’t want to be like them. He wants to be free, he’s a reasonable man and sees that they’re all walking off a cliff and he doesn’t wanna jump of of it, but his opposition is so absolute because some part of his kind of wants to.
At the same time he’s not entirely a complainer for complaining’s sake. Though very fighting-focussed he has his own strong code of ethics and standards- Dimitri markedly falls short of them. They’re not that different, Felix too feels the wide open wound of being still bonded and attached  to people who aren*t there anymore (”Training for a duel with a corpse”, as he puts it) - But while Dimitri let it eat his life (though there’s more complexity here of course but that would derail this into a whole different essay), Felix kinda errs on the opposite side of pushing down all attachment, but at the same time, he does it because he’s concerned with saving the ones who are still alive. That’s the point he stresses in his paralogue where he argues with his father, “We’re here to protect our subjects”. He wants to protect himself, yes, but he also wants to protect other people. He’s all about that.  He wants people to protect themselves not glorify throwing their lives away.
Which is why despite all his vocal complaining he still ultimately hangs out with the others, cannot help but worry about their wellbeing etc.  They might be negative bonds now but they’re still very much bonds.
Meanwhile, in Sylvain’s case the cynism comes not from rejection but disillusionment and distrust. He’s a good guy but his ability to form bonds is almost completely destroyed. All his life he got showered with fake conditional love while being presented with an example of what would happen if he didn’t stay in ppl’s good graces: His brother, who’d been dropped like a hot potato. I don’t think he can think of himself as good; He kinda got treated as an unfair existence the moment he came into the world.   At least if you get no love, you still have the hope that you might eventually get love. But fake love? Fake love poisons everything. It’s disgusting wrong, it’s not really for you and it just makes you wanna get rid of it by any means neccessary. Speaking from experience here.
Apart from the bonds he got with his childhood friend and those with exceptional people skills like Byleth, Mercedes and Dorothea, he doesn’t really trust anyone beyond a certain level.
But that’s a subtle distinction.
At first the most apparent difference, and the first contrast to come up in their support chain, is focus. Felix responded to the unpleasantness in his past with absolute laser focus, particularly on fighting and becoming stronger, whereas Sylvain avoids ever the appearance of focus like the plague, downplays his capabilities and chases distractions in a way that may be rather relatable to those of us who had the whole weird-ass Gifted Child Experience. Hence, Sylvain might come off as extravagant/frivolous while Felix appears disciplined, even ascetic.
This is also apparent in how its implied that they “jump ship” - Sylvain does it on a whim because of fem Byleth’s ample bosoms, (whereas man Byleth needs to impress him with reason skill which ties more into his hidden dephts) whereas with Felix it would tie into his pursuit of strenght and how he focusses on that more than anything else. Byleth stands out as a badass, so Felix juins his class or that’s his reasoning in the dialogue he gets.
But at the same time what we see here is that both were born with great natural power but don’t want that defining their lives. Sylvain downplays and refuses to use his, while Felix is determined to get straight that he actually “earned” through his harsh discipline and dedication, and vocally disavows conventional wisdom (”Crests, lineagle, knighthood... all trifles. Only strenght and skill matter”)
Post-Timeskip
So while a lot of characters like, say, Dorothea, get alot of the same dialogues in each route, others kind of get different little arcs depending on where they end up - for example if you recruit Lorenz for the empire he will at first join out of pure opportunism (that, and trying to get mercy for his corrupt-ass father), but then towards the last few months, he’ll actually come around to Edelgard’s way of thinking.
Felix is one of the characters whose dialogue differs the most by route - church & Alliance overlap a lot though with a few pointed differences, and his ending narrations are totally different depending on whether you recruited him or left him with the Kingdom. Of course, this would have to differ to an extent as he can’t exactly become Dimitri’s right hand when there’s no Dimitri, but the outcomes are starkly different to the point that even his paired endings with different characters all have two versions.
In the Kingdom route he generally succeeds his father whereas in the other routes, he typically renounces his title and becomes a mercenary unless his partner or BFF convinces him otherwise.
Unlike, say, Ferdinand, who does about the same thing regardless of who he ends up working under, for Felix the decision to ditch his classmates is a big big turning point, a choice
Sylvain by contrast has rather more similar endings wherever he goes and his dialogues are more similar - one highlight being how he has the exact same “history is written by the winners, whoever wins will say they’re right war will probably always exist...” lines regardless of whether he’s fighting for or against Edelgard. Whenever he isn’t commenting on the weather of their next destination or the general suckyness of the war, he remains mildly sceptical of whatever side he’s on, including one memorable instance where he refers to poor Hubert as “Edelgard’s idiot sidekick” and thinks they should try more negotiating, though he’s not blind to Dimitri’s flaws either when they go fight him.
Not really a big joiner or believer, this one, no illusions about how they could always be wrong, which perhaps makes it more touching how he invariably ends up becoming a peacemaker and activist after the war, basically becoming a fulltime do-gooder.
Since the inner mechanics with Felix are quite different, so are his outcomes. Sylvain’s gonna be like “I’m not optimistic but I gotta try doing the right thing”, no atter who he’s following, but you get a whole different Felix depending on what route you’re playing.
Because for him, wether to stick with Team Kingdom or not kinda represents a choice between his lingering attachment and his drive to reject that.
In the Kingdom route, he stays a lot more like he was in his academy days: Complains a lot, but still sticks with everyone to the end. He sort of fills the role of the contrarian number two, the one providing a contrastic viewpoint (while, Sylvain, while not optimistic, is no less stubborn about sticking with a friend in need than the rest of Team Kingdom)
He comes across as the Only Sane Man at times, esp. when he calls Titanic on the whole Revenge Trip to Gronder, “Iceberg ahead? ya’ll seeing the iceberg right?” but of course if you’re just complaining you’re kinda part of the problem - He muses that he must be crazy too, if he’s going along with everybody. Can’t bring himself to leave. Eventually that attachment wins out and he doesn’t even bother hiding it especially once Dimitri gets his act together. At that point he figures that the best he can do is to keep him on-course. Though they don’t go back to the same dynamic they once had, they go back to being BFF and the new dynanic is probably more useful to Dimitri as a counterpoint, they pretty much each succeed their fathers in proper Kingdom Manner and stay an A-team for the rest of their lives just like their das were. Idealism triumphs, though it’s a more matured, well-thought out one that is less about high standards and more about forgiveness/redemption.
It seems like he kinda became what he didn’t want to be early on (in the paired ending with Dimitri he even winds up in one of those chivalric tales he used to hate!), but it also looks like that made him happy. Maybe because it resolved the contradiction and tension within himself, all the energy he expends in rejecting his feelings of attachment, to like, actively not care about Dimitri.
I mean in their B support at one point he almost accidentally lapses back into Nerding Out About Swords Like Old Times - He needs to actively remind himself that he’s supposed to hate Dimitri now, and he does an even worse job at No Longer Liking the others.
Indeed when he gets what he ostensibly wanted, or rather what he wants to want, it doesn’t seem to make him all that happy - This was indeed the realization that prompted me to do this analysis. He goes full lonesome cowboy and marches off and he doesn’t sound all that happy about what he’s done, and his paired ending with Sylvain is one of the ones that makes it very obvious - In the Kingdom route, they stay Together Forever as they were in childhood, like they never got estranged at all. In the other routes it’s a sad, melancholic, darkly romantic thing about how Sylvain inherited his title, Felix came to help him out once and they never saw each other again, and Sylvain eventually gets a keepsake from Felix... and this is if you recruit them both. They get a sad enough dialogue if you grab only one and make them fight each other, but even if they run away together, essentially, they don’t become happy together.
The circumstances aren’t that different, if they still wound up in the same faction - But Felix is different.
Because he doesn’t just leave because of Byleth’s heroic charisma like many of the others - He  goes because, in essence, he is putting his pursuit of strength over his lingering attachments for his friends. To leave the kingdom means to actually become what he pretends to be. To actually become a lonewolf warrior who cares only about strenght rather than an ultimately loyal tsundere.
Which is where the above rambles about counter-dependency come to bear: He says he doesn’t care but he does, so much he can’t stop. So to take this step, which at the time seens reasonable and sane and free to him, is to cut off part of himself.
Though even here there are different gradations depending on where you recruit him to.
In the Alliance and church routes he simply jumps ship on the kingdom out of self-preservation. Sanity before Honor, just like he was always talking about. The kingdom’s in horrible shape, it can’t win, or so he sees it, Sylvain’s reasoning is pretty much the same but more resigned/sad (”There was nothing I could do”), after all for all they know, Dimitri is long dead (though Felix, always one with keen insight, suspect him to be alive a bit before he shows up)
Then Dimitri turns up alive, but promptly gets himself killed, and Felix regrets it. Every bit as much as other kingdom characters. He wonders if he could have stopped Dimitri if he’d been with him. He channels this into avenging Dimitri first on the empire and then on TWSITD, and starts using his name at this point.
Tellingly enough, he refers to the local afterlife beliefs that are so prominently featured in the Kingdom route. The ones that Rodrigue taught to both Felix and Dimitri and that likely played a role in the latter’s inability to forgive himself for all that Rodrigue is largely a good man who was a positive influence. He talks about “facing” Dimitri in the afterlife or allowing him to rest in peace much like Dimitri’s own talk about appeasing the dead - As much as he’d like to be Felix was not actually immune to his upbringing. basically he really regrets it.
The church and alliance routes differ somewhat in the dialogue before the last stage in a way that makes the church route seem “milder” - He considers working under Byleth once they become King/Queen, so he doesn’t seem quite as “lost”, whereas in the alliance route he expresses interest in dueling Nemesis. Not that far beyond his usual “must fight worthy opponents/ blood knight attude” but certainly more of an embracement of it and also very reckless, since as far as we knew the zombie horde is blazing an almost unhindered trail through the land and pretty much had Hilda’s renowned invincible brother for breakfast.
The empire route, of course, requires him to go even further - it’s one thing to evacuate a sinking ship, another to go a path where there’s a good chance that he’ll have to go against, and even fight/kill his former comrades. The game sure included tons of unique dialogue for this. You can even have his feud with his father end quite lethally, and Dimitri will even comment on it when you engage him. Ouch!
Right after the holy tomb scene most the recruitees’ dialogues are either some variation of “I’m scared but I trust you sensei” or “Now that she’s actually explained her reasoning, Edelgard’s got a point” - Felix’ is neither.
Though he’d presumably agree that Crests and Status are overrated, that’s not what he talks about. He says he wants to forge his own path, one that isn’t his father’s or Dimitri’s.  
He may or may not be doing the right thing but it’s for the wrong reason.
It’s a decision that’s perfectly logical if you feature in all factors except for his own heart - by which I don’t mean some bullshit 19th century “head vs heart” contrast but simply self-knowledge, which is necessary to make choices that you won’t regret, especially when the ‘correct’ path is ambiguous.
He wants to be free, deeply and desperate but, there’s also the counterdependency in play. He’s not going with the Empire because he wants to go with the empire, but because he wants to go against Rodrigue and Dimitri. Rejecting them to prove to himself that he can.
And turns out he can. He can cut em all down, with fairly unfazed Dialogue about how he’s going his own path, will never bow to the likes of Dimitri, will pursue strenght no matter who stands in his way etc.
They all curse him for betraying him, only Sylvain who’s not the sort to have much certainty about being right, gets more of a “sad/tragic” line about their childhood promise.
But that’s on the battlefield. Back at the monastery it’s a different matter. In this route he shows significantly LESS regret about what happens to the kingdom peeps - after all, he knew he’d be fighting them. He’s just completely embraced the ‘living to fight’ thing here and you get the sense that some other parts of his may have been lost in the process.
Ironically he says he killed more ppl than he can count and that he’s practically as bad as Dimitri now (”Your better world better be worth this”, indeed...) and while he’s completely unflinchingly resolute he’s not exactly unphased.
You can certainly understand why he’d end up as a restless sorta wandering mercenary  (interesting, too that if you pair him with Byleth they’ll go with him - interesting enough in its own right since that’s the sort of life they use to have before coming to the academy)
So I guess this could all  ultimately be seen as a parable on ‘be careful what you wish for’, or, more accurately, ‘know yourself before making wishes’.
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newlyfe89 · 3 years
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Decide if the friendship is worth fighting for.
If you've just fallen out with a friend, or are on the verge of a permanent parting of ways, be absolutely sure you want things to end – are your problems unfixable, did they do something truly unforgivable, or are they a toxic person who's not going to change?
If you still want them as a friend, consider being the bigger person and apologising, or reaching out. There are worse things than being the one to bend first. And if they still don't want to work it out, at least you know you did everything you could.
2. Make a list of the reasons the friendship
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Friendships are forever, right? Wrong. Maybe your friend ghosted you. Maybe they did something abjectly terrible. Maybe it was a slow drip feed of realising they continually made you feel shit about yourself. Or maybe you just became different people and slowly drifted apart.
Just like romantic relationships, friendships can be toxic – and we can end up staying in them far longer than we should. But if you do start to feel like maybe you should have stuck around longer or tried harder, make a list of the reasons the friendship ended, and ask yourself if that's someone you still want in your life.
If your reasons don't seem that big now, you can try getting back in touch. But if they slept with your boyfriend, tore you down, or ignored you for months, know that they are still fully capable of doing that again.
lot more weight is given to romantic breakups than friend breakups, but I've always thought that a breakup with a friend is at least as difficult to go through, if not harder. You've lost a part of the support system that's usually there when you go through a trauma, and a breakup with a friend can make you feel equally as alone and vulnerable.
Give your friend breakup the respect it deserves. You need time to grieve and to come to terms with your loss. Crack out the ice cream, let yourself wallow and don't just brush it off.
4. i.e Neutral. i.e. DO NOT chat shit about your ex-friend to your mutual friends. I know, it's tempting. You want them to choose you. You want them to agree that your ex-friend is a total crazy person and completely wrong. You want them to be on YOUR SIDE. But trash talking them won't achieve any of that – it'll just make you look negative and petty.
A good friend doesn't put friends in an uncomfortable position by demanding they choose between their former friend and them. And no matter what your ex-friend may think of you, you are fully capable of taking the high ground. With maybe one or two drunken slip ups along the way.
5. 5. Be honest
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5. Talking to your friends about how your ex-partner cheated on you is very different to talking to them about how your ex-friend hates you because you stayed at their house and didn't offer to wash up. It feels a lot more vulnerable – what if they think the same thing?
6. But talking to your friends will make you feel so much better (as long as they're not mutual friends. See point 4).
7. Be upfront about what happened. Maybe they were a dick, but maybe you were a bit of a dick too. Resist the urge to retell the story purely from your perspective. Talking candidly with a good friend can be a great way to get perspective on the situation.
6.
Don't freak out.
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In the same vein, the instinct after a losing a friend is often to pull your remaining friends closer, scared they'll leave too. Take a deep breath, and try not to panic. Talk to your friends about it. You don't have to go into detail, but letting them know you're going through a rough patch will prepare them for any unusual behaviour.
If they're good friends, they'll be there for you, but it's also up to you to try and keep your fears and anxieties in check (this is a mantra I have to repeat to myself daily).
7.
Talk to your family.
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Blood is thicker than water. For a lot of people, this may not be true, but I'm lucky in that I have a family who's always there for me no matter what. If you're feeling vulnerable about your friends, try turning to your family for support – if anyone's going to love you unconditionally, it's them.
Detox your social media.
So, it turns out social media stalking is just as bad for you post-friend breakup as it is post-relationship breakup. If you don't want to block your former friend, at least hide them from your Facebook feed and resist the urge to watch their Snapchat story. If you honestly know that you're never going to be friends again (and have no mutual friends that would make this awkward) unfriend and block away.
Maybe it comes across as petty, but why keep someone on your social media who doesn't have any part in your life anymore? Detox them, and move on.
Cry
Because bottling your feelings up is never good. Like a pressure cooker, it will come out in other ways. Case in point: after a terrible friend breakup, I tried to act like it was ok far quicker than I should have. A few months later and an offhand comment from a friend had me bursting into inexplicable tears, much to her surprise. Remember, it's ok to be upset, and it's definitely ok to cry.
Know when to back away
Closure can be great, but it's not the be all and end all. If an argument with a friend becomes destructively nasty, turns into a character assassination or slides into a game of one-up-man-ship, WALK AWAY. If they're not taking anything you're saying on board, there's no point staying in the conversation, and getting the last word isn't worth sticking around while someone uses you as an emotional punching bag.
A good way to avoid this situation is to only criticise them if it's really something they need to hear – are you truly trying to help them, or are you just trying to get one last dig in? If it's the latter, keep it to yourself.
Plus, not telling them they're a massive douchecanoe might pay off later, or at least save you some awkwardness.
Write out your feelings.
Please, learn from my mistakes: if a friend ghosts you, just leave it be. My gung-ho attempt to not take being ghosted lying down went horribly wrong – all it brought was a bitter argument that was not even close to worth it.
Someone who has dropped you as a friend without attempting to resolve things first does not value your friendship. If they wanted to be friends with you, they'd have tried to fix it instead of cutting you out. They're not worth the emotional effort it'll take futilely trying to hash it out.
Instead, write how you feel down in a message, and DON'T send it. You can express your feelings, but without it sparking a pointlessly draining fight.
Work out what you'd do if you ran into them.
This may not go to plan. There's every chance you'll still get flustered, or even turn tail and run when it comes to crunch time. But working out in your head a rough script of what you'll say and how you'll act if you bump into your former friend will mean there's at least a good chance of you not turning bright red and mumbling something incoherent.
Learn to love your own company.
I spend a lot of time worrying about how many friends I have. Should I have more? Am I unlikeable? Will I die alone and unloved and eaten by Alsatians? If like me, you're worrying about how many friends you have left after a break up, trust me, you need to try and stop, for that way lies madness.
Learning to do things alone has been a huge part of letting that worry go. If you are comfortable in your own company, not just privately but also publicly, you don't need a huge group of friends. You just need the people you actually want to be friends with, and it doesn't matter if that number is two or two hundred.
Reflect on what you could have done better.
No one's perfect. While your friendship may be over for perfectly good reasons, you should always take the opportunity to be a little introspective. Your flaws are part of what make you unique, and you'll never fully iron all of them out (nor should you want to)... but no harm ever came from being a little more self-aware.
And to my fellow deeply-flawed humans: Take heart in the knowledge that people who are intolerant of flaws in others don't have many friends either.
Write down what qualities you look for in a friend.
Why didn't this friendship work out? What was it about them that made you clash? Maybe they were too extroverted, and you need someone more introverted. Maybe they were a neat freak and you're helplessly messy. If you think about what went wrong, you can work out what qualities to look for in the future.
More importantly, it's worth looking at your incompatibilities to see if you notice a pattern. If they were toxic, why did you choose them in the first place? If you're continually making friends with a certain type of person, now's the time to break the habit.
16. Do activities where you'll meet new people
Making friends as an adult is hard. No one ever told me how hard it was. If they had I'd maybe have spent less time watching anime in my room at uni and more time outside (but also probably not). So losing a friend as an adult is even scarier, as there's the added worry that you won't be able to replace them.
Signing up for activities, classes and workshops that involve your interests is an easy way to meet like-minded people. Remember to take risks as well; even if for you a risk is just saying "hello" to someone new.
7. Hide anything that will remind you of them.
But don't destroy them. If you don't want to see that card they gave you for your birthday, fair enough, hide it somewhere out the way. But destroying things is very final. You never know how you might feel later.
I've found that when time passes, you often want to look back nostalgically – not because you still want to be friends, but because you miss who you were back then, and that time in your life. The hurt you feel now will fade; one day you might want to reminisce about the good times you had together, and the person you were when you were friends.
8. Try not to hold a grudge.
Be mad. Curse them and shake your fist at the sky. Then move on. Maybe they were a complete and total asshat to you, but all you can do is remove them from your life, learn from it and try to forget them. People are asshats to each other ALL THE TIME. They're not the first to be an asshat, and they definitely won't be the last.
If you need an outlet for your rage, take up kickboxing, or consider seeing a therapist to talk about it in a safe space. Or send them a glitter bomb. But don't let your anger at them fester – the only person it will hurt is you.
Know that you're not alone.
I don't know if it's just me, but I've always felt a lot more embarrassed talking about failed friendships than failed relationships. A romantic breakup can happen for a number of reasons that don't have anything to do with you. But if someone doesn't want to be your friend, they just plain don't like you, which is a much more brutal rejection IMO.
The thing is though, I know hardly anyone who hasn't gone through a friend breakup. For proof please read this, and this and this. Friendships come and go. You grow, you change, you fall out, you maybe make up. It's all part of life.
What I'm trying to say is: you're not alone. This year, I've made new friends, but I've also had some of my worst friend breakups to date. It was shit. But I'm ok. Every day, I get more OK. And believe me, you will be OK too.
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tea-and-la · 3 years
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Besides, a lot of the time it’s not even “I hate this ship which is why I prefer XYZ ship” or “I ship B character with C character and not D character because I hate D character.” Sometimes it’s just;
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[ID: This is a version of the “This is brilliant, but I like this” meme. A man points to a red car with a picture of Sokka and Suki from Avatar: The Last Airbender. He declares that “This is brilliant.” He then turns to a white car with a picture of Sokka and Toph from Avatar: The Last Airbender and finishes with “But I like this.” / End ID]
And sometimes it’s just;
“I like this character, I just don’t like the relationship they’re in.”
For example, I’m not a fan of Mai with Zuko or Katara with Aang, but I do like Mai with Ty Lee and Aang with Toph (like I said, I ship both Tokka and Taang because Toph has two hands and she loves both her goofy boys dearly). And it doesn’t even have to do with me shipping Zutara! Those are just the ships I prefer because they make me happiest and make the most sense to me personally. And it’s not like I ship Zutara because I hate Mai and Aang, I ship it because it makes sense to me personally, I like their chemistry, and they make me happy both as individuals and as a couple! And even just as platonic friends honestly. The reason I ship Zutara, Tokka, Taang, and Mailee is because first and foremost I love their friendship and what they mean to each other as platonic friends with no strings attached which makes way for them to potentially grow into romantic feelings over the years as they develop those bonds.
yeah exactly! also multi-shipping is like ... so much fun because you get to explore different dynamics. like, i am a sukka shipper, but recently i've been more into jetkka. that doesn't mean i hate sukka, it just means that i am excited to envision endless possibilities for a jetkka pairing, since it's not what was given to us in canon.
i also think that some people don't realize that when you say you don't like a character's part in a (canon) pairing, that doesn't make you a hypocrite for liking the character in another pairing. because ... and this is something that even applies to irl, a person can clash or be incompatible with one person and thus lead to a toxic relationship, but then they can have a whole different experience with someone else. idk if that makes sense?
like for example with ma!ko. i love platonic!ma!ko and i think they care deeply for each other, but sometimes that's not enough. that's why i love them as those childhood friends that dated but it's not weird because hey... now she's dating our other best friend. and it doesn't diminish the meaningfulness of either of their sacrifices (mai in tbr) to have them be just friends. and i personally hate when people think because i'm a zk, i hate mai or aang. because i'm actually a mai kin and i like aang... i just don't like a certain type of his stans? i also really hate it when people say things like "oh you only like taang because it gets aang out of the way for zutara." because first of all ... if i just wanted to get aang out of the way, he doesn't have to be in a relationship. he could just be single. but his dynamic with toph actually appeals to me. i find logic like that to be very ... silly and also just nosy for no reason lol.
like you said, i love taang, zutara, mailee because they are ships with no expectations. their actions for each other aren't influenced by physical attraction. and i know canon supremacists like to use the fact that zutara (and other non canon ships) aren't canonically attracted to each other as an "aha gotcha!" but that's actually what really works best for a friends to lovers ship. because you're doing things because you care about the other person, you're content with the friendship, and you're not just using it as a springboard into a relationship (i.e. you won't get frustrated if the other person doesn't immediately want to be together.) and i agree, i can see each one of them developing into romance years later. i think zutara would actually need the most time to reach that point because of their history, but it would be based off a really air-tight bond.
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bellatrixobsessed1 · 4 years
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The Art Of Remembrance (Part 40)
Honestly, can’t believe I’m at chapter 40. Anyways, I guess this is gonna be one of my final updates for now. Today just so happened to be my designated fic typing day. So I’m gonna post this as well. Of course future chapters will be on Ao3 and Fanfic for while I’m gone. Thanks to everyone who has supported the fic up to this point.
Sokka had expected to take it much harder, but the more he thinks about it, the more he realizes that he might just be happier without her. She is no longer there to argue with him over ridiculous things. And he no longer has to face her problems for her. Perhaps with her is a more truthful statement, but he isn’t ready to embrace the whole truth yet. He isn’t ready to look at things without a degree of resentment. Indeed he thinks that he is better off.
Yet, in the back of his mind he goes back to that night under the auroras. That night where she’d come to him and offered to do something he enjoyed. To the day in the swamp where she’d sat with him and comforted him.
It has been several days since she had fled. The first had been the worst, the most hectic. In a moment of panic Zuko had assumed that she’d simply taken flight again; ran off into the streets. In telling him that she’d mentioned going back to Fire Lake he’d replied with a swift, “what if she decided not to wait for the ship?”
He’d only be settled when Dr. Phang confirmed that she’d left on the ship. Even then he’d found a new thing to fret over, “what if that was a trap? What if she’s on her way back to another Vine Research Facility compound?” He relaxed completely the following day when he’d received a messenger hawk from her.
For Sokka the first day had been nothing but regret. Regret that he’d written her off so quickly. Regret that he’d let anger and hurt and feelings of betrayal overpower love. Regret that he hadn’t come to check on her sooner, before she’d left.
That first day he’d paced about and vented to Katara, to Aang, to Toph, to Zuko, to Appa and Momo, to anyone who would listen really. And soon that regret and hurt turned back into anger and venting became ranting. Rambling about how she is selfish and how she’d stabbed him in the back. How she is a hypocrite for stabbing him in the back when she knows too well how terrible the feeling is.
Now he reclines on a chair in the palace gardens awaiting further news about Long Feng’s whereabouts. So far the man has been keeping his head down, but he doesn’t doubt that once he gets word of Azula’s vulnerability, he will make his move. Whether she knows it or not, she is bait. That hadn’t been his intention. It certainly wasn’t Zuko’s. But she’d probably admire how cunningly and swiftly he was planning on taking advantage of the situation.
Despite it all he still has a touch of worry for the princess. Raava forbid that they actually capture her again. For as much teeth as she is showing, for as much of the old her is back, he can’t imagine her faring well against rekindled traumas.
Sokka’s mind wanders to the night at the compound. The small on his chest. Holding her has she cried softly.
She doesn’t cry anymore, he reminds himself. He catches himself before he accuses her of being unfeeling. Unexpressive is more befitting. He pushes the thoughts out of his head. He doesn’t know why he is having them now after several days of either celebrating Azula’s absence or not thinking of her at all.
He misses her and he is angry that he does. He tells himself that it is for the best. That she isn’t right for him and that she isn’t healthy for him. That she has just been difficult and a pain in the ass from the start; he thinks of her bundled up and shivering, finger freshly claimed by the cold. Alright, maybe not from the start…
.oOo.
It feels terribly odd to be sitting in Dr. Yu-Kang’s office on her own accord. She feels rather awkward. Awkward and almost ashamed to admit that she can’t handle things on her own. That she can’t get a grip on her own thoughts.
“Dr. Phang told me that you asked him to erase your memories again?”
Azula nods. Dr. Yu-Kang waits for her to elaborate. She doesn’t
“Why is that?”
Azula inhales sharply. She has come here to talk so she better talk.
“Do you want to address something different to begin with?”
Azula shakes her head. “I want to talk about this.”
“Whenever you’re ready.” Dr. Yu-Kang offers. “Would you like something to drink.”
She shakes her head again. “I asked him to take my memories again because it’s...they make things feel wrong.”
“Wrong?”
“Like I shouldn’t be talking to Zu-Zu or Mai and Tylee. Like I shouldn’t...love Sokka.”
Dr. Yu-Kang nods. “Well why does this feel wrong to you?”
She shrugs. “Because, before I left they’d have nothing to do with me. If I didn’t lose my memories they wouldn’t have let me in. I don’t think I would have wanted to be let in.”
“But you did lose them.” Dr. Yu-Kang replies. “The universe has a balance. If you weren’t meant to have lost your memories, you wouldn’t have. And if you weren’t meant to be found by Sokka then it wouldn’t have happened.”
“A coincidence, I assure you.” Azula replies.
“You don’t believe in fate?”
“Do I come off to you as the type who would?” She links her hands and rests them atop her knee.
Dr Yu-Kang chuckles. “I suppose that you don’t. You are in charge of your own fate. You like to be in charge of your own fate.”
“Yes, that’s correct.” Azula agrees.
“Then choose it. You can cling to your past and your old memories or you can acknowledge them, leave them in the past, and continue with the life your new memories have begun.” She takes a drink. “That is your choice. That is what you control.”
Azula swallows. “Yes well, that  still doesn’t change that that person wasn't even me. They, Sokka, Zuko, all of them...they like a false version of me.”
Dr. Yu-Kang looks into her teacup for the longest time. Azula is certain that she has outwitted the woman, even if that wasn’t the goal. In fact it is exactly what she had dreaded, that her therapist wouldn’t even have any advice to offer. At last she looks up. “Have you considered that, that simply isn’t true?”
Azula tilts her head.
“I know that you don’t like to be. But you are wrong, princess.”
“Excuse me?” She half sputters, half grumbles.
Again Dr. Yu-Kang gives a slight chuckle. “I know that you have had this discussion before, princess; you lost your memories, you didn’t lose you. Whatever you said and did without your memories, is something within the realm of possibility for you to have done with them. It is nearly impossible to erase a person’s nature entirely. One would have to do a lot of damage to achieve that.” She lets that settle in. “I have spoken with you enough to know that you require proof so I will offer it.”
Azula shifts, switching which leg overlaps the other.
“When we were discussing Yion’s crimes and my…” she coughs “negligence and incompetence, it felt as though you had never lost your memories at all. Your ability to resume firebending with such expertise, your authoritative and intimidating presence, your inclinations to have control, and your intelligence. The things that defined the old you were still there. You had simply acquired new perspectives and sides of yourself.” She pauses again. “That is what this is; there is no new and old you. There is the old you with new goals, desires, and personality facets.”
“New facets…” Azula repeats more to herself.
“Your older personality traits and your new ones aren’t incompatible. And these new feelings and relationships have just as much value as your old ones. I would say that they have more value.”
Her face falls, “I’ve already made a mess of those.”
Dr. Yu-Kang quirks a brow. “This is the first time you’ve been in a relationship, isn’t it?”
Azula’s face colors. Enough so that Dr. Yu-Kang is confident in continuing her line of thought. “Romantic partnership is like any other kind of partnership. There will be fights, I think that you know this. There will be bad fights. But that doesn’t mean that the relationship is over, even if it seems like it is.”
She feels like a fool for not being able to grasp something so simple. She quietly vocalizes as much before she can stop herself.
“Inexperience is different from incompetence. I know enough of your history to know that you haven’t been particularly exposed to love nor a healthy relationship. I don’t think that this will be a problem for you, you are a fast learner.”
Azula swallows. “Yes, I suppose, but I still don’t know how to fix things.”
“I think that you do, you just don’t want to.”
“I do…”
“Then you are going to have to put your pride aside for the moment. And you’re going to have to deal with some discomfort.”
She shifts again, she supposes she already feels plenty uncomfortable, she is almost dizzy with it. “What if Sokka doesn’t want to talk.”
“We can talk about that if it happens. I am not his therapist, but he is around you enough for me to get a little sense of him. He doesn’t strike me as the type to give up on someone.”
Azula flexes her fingers. “Alright.”
“Though I suggest that you ask him why he is upset with you.” She pauses. “It is easy to only think of oneself in an argument. Don’t you think that you might have hurt him too? Usually people don’t lash out if they aren’t hurt in some way.”
“I’ll…” she hesitates. “Keep that in mind.” Empathy,  sympathy, compassion...they had never come easily to her. To the old her… To the person who hadn’t acquired new viewpoints. She thinks, she hopes, that she is able to feel them now. She supposes that she must, if she is even considering apologizing. She practically cringes at the thought of an apology. There is almost nothing she likes less than being wrong.
“Is there anything else you’d like to speak with me about?”
She gathers that she probably shouldn’t resume speaking with Sokka by unloading her anxieties onto him. “I am concerned about Long Feng. I feel like he is going to come for me at any moment and I’m just as alone now as…”
“I don’t mean to cut you off, but you are not alone anymore. And I think that you are perfectly capable of handling him, especially now that you know more or less, what you are facing.”
“Yes, right.” She agrees.
.oOo.
Sokka finds himself looking at the ocean. His feet have carried him to the docks and he can’t say why. The wind tosses his hair as he looks in the general direction of Lake Fire institute.
“You’re thinking about my sister again, aren’t you?” Zuko laughs.
He jumps. “No!” He says too quickly.
He laughs again, “she has this way of just making you dwell upon her even if you don’t want to.”
“Yeah, well I don’t know what to do about her. I just know that she makes me so angry and I don’t even know if she feels bad about it.” He backtracks. “Bad enough to put herself aside, anyways.”
“Yeah, that’s Azula. She is tricky. But at least now she’s trying.”
Sokka rubs the back of his head. He supposes that she wouldn’t have taken herself to Lake Fire if she wasn't trying. At least now she has the sense to admit that she needs help. He runs his fingers through his hairline, feeling as though he should be helping. But it isn’t his job to fix her, he reminds himself.
“How about this?” Zuko offers. “See what she says to you when she comes home and go from there.”
“Do you have my back?”
Zuko hesitates. “I’ll have your back, but I don’t want to give up on her myself.”
He doesn’t want to give up on her either.
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baronvontribble · 4 years
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okay. alright. i’m doing it. here’s a list of AUs that i have toyed with for the robot and marshmallow, none of which have solid titles (and i will answer questions about any of them):
the big story: the one for publishing, so far. both the most finished and the oldest original story. Adam is a runaway police robot who comes to a group of sympathetic humans to find a new body and a new life as a free man. Ted is part of that group and ends up helping him. goes HARD into the AI minutiae and modern concepts about robotics in a five-minutes-into-the-future setting. tackles mental illness, disability, and is generally super soft and low-key.
team winions: workshopped but not written. still nailing certain things down. basically Ted’s the main support on an esports team and Adam is his newly traded-in DPS/lane partner/AD carry. over the course of a season they do the cute bonding thing, and they and the rest of their misfit team eventually secure a finals win for an NA region that’s pretty much never won anything before that. oh, and this one has art! i mean it’s an old art from when i was first thinking of having Adam be on another team instead of a new trade to the one Ted’s on, but STILL AN ART.
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(the one who gets traded away is Owen; Rani swaps to top lane, and Angie and Malak stay in the same positions.)
post-apocalyptica: this was an idea for a platformer. basically, the world has ended. Ted wakes up from complete stasis in a hospital after a few hundred years - healed of whatever it was that got him into stasis in the first place - to find that no one’s left but robots (not androids, though) and a voice on a headset. the voice guides him through the ruins of the city to find meds and possibly other survivors (a thing the voice doesn’t recommend). but when he finds those survivors, he finds out that they were woken up too. by the same voice. every single one of them rejected it once they found out what it’d done, and now they’re fighting the robots to ‘take back the city’.
the voice expects Ted to join them at that point, but he doesn’t. instead he asks where the voice is broadcasting from. then he goes all the way to the top of a ruined skyscraper, and on the very top floor he finds Adam hooked up to a bank of servers. this is the last android, trapped by the limitations of his own memory-bloat, kept functional by a mess of wires that connect him to his own massive server room of a brain. upon seeing this, Ted sits down, unpacks his lunch and his meds, and settles in to try and make the guy a little less lonely.
space, idea 1: one of two different ideas that i’ve considered the two goobers for in the same universe; at this point i’ve decided that if Ted gets one, then someone else will have to get the other, because I want to reuse my goddamn space universe. barring that, i could use another idea for a framing device, but i’ll talk about that later. for now, we will say Ted is in training to become a human partner for a ship pilot AI. or was. he’s being threatened with getting kicked out.
why? who knows. it’s Ted. that is not the point. the point is that he is given an opportunity to redeem himself by joining an experimental program that will give him telekinetic powers via alien spores, but to harness them he has to have nanotech and an AI implanted into his nervous system to monitor and regulate the bits of his brain that will spontaneously burst into irreparable cancer the moment he starts the treatment. the cancer is the flipside of a radical regenerative ability that the spores also cause.
Adam is the AI, one of many. he doesn’t want to be there. none of them do. it’s a last resort assignment given to AIs that are about to be sent to run remote He3 scoops out in the sticks. Ted is also one of many humans and most of them are pseudo-dropouts for one reason or another just like he is. very few of them are well-adjusted, and the usual anime training school shenanigans ensue.
but then a dark thing happens. a test subject who was thought dead seemingly comes back and starts killing the AIs, which can potentially kill the people who really need them in their brains. panic ensues; the leader of the program tries for as long as he can to cover it up because it’s a skeleton in his closet, specifically, but eventually it comes back to bite him and everyone else on the station. so it’s up to Ted and Adam and their friend-group to save the day and get everyone who’s still alive off the station in one piece.
space, idea 2: Adam is a freshly minted AI who has a problem: he goes through partners like other people go through shoes. technically he has the right to refuse anyone for any reason, but his handlers think it’s getting a little ridiculous that he’s refused so many. it’s also expensive to keep trying to match him up with people again and again, and no algorithm can really predict the personality profiles that’ll end up being compatible with him since so many have proven not to be.
then Ted stumbles into his airlock, and he gets An Idea: the human can’t act in ways that are incompatible if his good word is the only thing keeping them from getting arrested. so, he takes advantage of the opportunity and says he wants this one as his partner. this one that’s an actual criminal.
his handlers give up, and this is how the story begins. i don’t know where it will go from there. maybe i’ll use my conspiracy plot where Zach’s trying to start a galactic civil war and they uncover his machinations together. or maybe i’ll use the Fermi paradox plot where they’re scouting and they find a Pioneer-level probe out in space only to find its planet of origin completely dead except for a lone caretaker AI overseeing the stored memories and personalities of a million long-forgotten souls. it’s the kind of setup that can go anywhere.
the framing device: but then there’s this. this thing i thought of to tie them all together. if i start with the last and write the rest, then this would be the thing that let me keep writing AUs with abandon: the VR idea. set in my space universe, it would be a procedurally generated full-immersion VR experience compatible with both humans and AIs that allowed them to live fully fleshed-out alternate stories for themselves, either alone or with others. the stories would follow narratives, have plots, have stakes; the promise is that you can spend your time in the sim being the storybook version of yourself.
now, there are settings. when you go in you can tweak the realism, set up what tags and genres you feel like going for, how much drama you want, how much violence you’re feeling up to seeing or experiencing. and all of it is safe, controlled, and probably really expensive. but it’s supposedly the best vacation your credits can buy you without having to go offworld, so it’s an immediate sensation in-universe.
this would be how i’d tie it all together. and i could use it for multiple character pairings. i could even reuse characters if i said it stored imprints of previous users or had stock characters. but for Ted and Adam? they’d use it as a way to meet and fall in love and be with each other in a thousand timelines across a thousand different worlds, and they’d never get tired of it.
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anyway, yeah. those are just the ORIGINAL ones. i’d write them in WoW or Shadowrun or Divinity: Original Sin or Dragon Age or Mass Effect or Stardew Valley or Slime Rancher or Cyberpunk or DnD or Fallout or Starcraft or Overwatch or ANY universe if i thought i could get away with it. these boys will always jump into any AU i dip my toes into, and be the first to volunteer themselves for any plot i come up with. if i bring one, the other is coming too in one form or another. that’s just how they are.
now you all know why i never get anything done that doesn’t have them in it.
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carelessgraces · 4 years
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on astoria’s failed relationships ( iain blackwood ) —
Astoria’s relationship with Iain carries through all verses, though it impacts her to varying degrees. It’s the most straightforward in her canon verse: Iain is a Slytherin student a year older than her, with a strong & stable moral compass. He and Astoria fall in puppy love when they’re very young ( thirteen and fourteen, respectively ); she wants to get involved with him during her fourth year, but his interest seems to flicker in and out as she turns more and more of her attention to the Carrows’ instruction. They finally date in Astoria’s fifth year, starting in the very beginning of the year. He’s the first person outside of the Death Eaters to learn that she’s been Marked, and the only person until the war’s end ( including her sibling(s) ). They’re together for about three weeks, but it’s an absolute disaster, and Astoria learns very quickly that while Iain cares about her very much, he believes she can be a much better person, and is trying to save her. It’s the first time that Astoria looks at her options and realizes that she doesn’t want to be saved, and certainly not like that, and so they agree, relatively quickly, that they can’t continue seeing each other. 
     Iain is based a bit on an OC a friend wrote years and years and years ago, which is why I’ll never write him myself except in passing, and why I’ll never ask anyone else to write him. He was Astoria’s first ship, and hugely important to her development in those early stages, and things didn’t work mostly because Astoria didn’t want to become better, and because she connected with someone who wanted her to remain just as awful as she was. He’s present in all verses, though things are extended in her main & modern verses.
     DRAGON AGE. Lord Iain Blackwood is a minor lord from Starkhaven, and another student at the University of Val Royeaux. He and Astoria meet shortly after her arrival, and begin a flirtation; about a year later, they become involved. It’s an on-again, off-again romance that lasts for years: they talk about marriage, children, Iain leaving Starkhaven to come back to Seleny with her. He meets her father, and asks for his blessing to propose to Astoria, and when she’s twenty, he asks her to marry him. Astoria says she needs time to think: they are fundamentally very different people, with very different goals. Astoria has spent years lying to him about how she spends her time ( Astoria, like many other young nobles, spends her time in Orlais learning to play the Game, and training to become a bard ), the threats to her life ( by the time she’s twenty Astoria has survived three assassination attempts; the last two end with her killing her would-be assassins ), and how she intends to rule ( Iain wants her to release the Crows under her command from their bond with her family, whereas Astoria believes that their fair compensation and reformed recruitment practices make them no different than court spies and assassins, the latter of which Iain dislikes regardless ). A week later, she turns down his marriage proposal, insisting that they’re too different to work. 
     For another year, they remain involved on and off, both of them very much in love with the other, and both of them absolutely certain that things won’t last. Iain returns to Starkhaven when Astoria is twenty-one and, three months later, marries the daughter of a minor lord in Markham. Astoria is not invited to the wedding. They see one another rarely; Astoria isn’t particularly bothered by his choice to marry someone else, or by the end to their relationship. Iain has a much harder time with it, particularly with her apparent indifference. They briefly reconnect ( strictly as friends ) during the Conclave, but Iain is killed in the explosion. Astoria, as Inquisitor or as merchant princess, helps support Iain’s widow and two children. 
     MODERN WITCH. Astoria meets Iain while she’s at St. Colman’s in Boston. She’s the captain of the cheer squad, with a very, very charming Dublin accent, an air of mystery, and an inexplicably unflappable personality; he’s a year ahead of her, captain of the soccer team and head of the debate team. Getting together takes some time: Astoria dates a lot, but never for particularly long. They go to homecoming together, and prom ( she wins homecoming queen and prom queen both in her senior year, Iain is very amused and very fond ) both years that she’s at St. Colman’s. They maintain contact when Iain goes to Harvard, and when Astoria goes to Columbia, both of them seeing other people the whole time and both of them very aware of how they feel about each other. When Astoria is nineteen, Iain comes to visit her at Columbia; she kisses him in Central Park at night during a rainstorm and skips class for the next three days because they barely leave her dorm. 
     They maintain the long-distance relationship for a while — they try an open relationship for a bit and hate it, they break up a few times and get back together usually within two weeks — and when Iain graduates he moves to New York, where they get an apartment together. They both apply to, and are accepted at, Berkley, and they move to California together. They get engaged the night before their first semester at graduate school, and they start to realize how incompatible they are. They push back the wedding for a year, and then for another, and finally, they sit down and acknowledge that they’re not happy together anymore. They call off the engagement, stay living together, and continue on a more casual level until they finish their master’s degrees; Astoria moves back to Boston, and Iain moves to London. They see each other occasionally, remain Facebook friends, and end up in bed together any time Astoria’s in London until Iain marries a nice Scottish girl who works for a newspaper, and they fall out of touch.
     MODERN ( LAWYER ). Everything’s the same through St. Colman’s, but Astoria goes to Stanford, rather than Columbia, to do a pre-law degree, and Iain remains at Harvard. He does come to visit her in California, and they do start sleeping together while they’re undergrads, but it’s a long-distance, “casual” relationship, with neither one of them admitting that they hate it. They end up moving in together when Astoria gets accepted to Georgetown to do her master’s in political science, and decide to try exclusivity there. For the most part, it works, but they both get restless, because after more than six years of trying to get this to work, they start to realize that they’re just not as compatible as they thought they would be. 
     They have a pregnancy scare the summer before Astoria starts law school, and when it turns out to be just a scare, Iain proposes, and Astoria accepts. They’re engaged for Astoria’s first year of law school, and this is when things really start to fall apart: the more time Iain spends with Astoria in her element, the more he realizes that they are fundamentally different people with deeply incompatible codes. Iain is uncomfortable with Astoria’s vicious ambition; Astoria is uncomfortable with Iain’s apparent lack of drive or direction. Iain is uncomfortable with Astoria’s ease with lying, bending the truth, and helping guilty people go free; Astoria is uncomfortable with Iain’s moralizing. It’s not the sad and quiet death that their relationship gets in the witch verse.
     Finally, they have an explosive fight when Astoria cancels on a dinner with his parents, visiting from Edinburgh, to attend a lecture. They shout at each other until they’re hoarse about their different priorities ( Iain wants a family, Astoria doesn’t for a while; Iain wants to plan the wedding, Astoria wants to focus on her law degree; Iain wants her to commit to being a better person, Astoria thinks that she’s fine the way she is ). Iain says he feels like he’s wasted nearly a decade of his life waiting for her, Astoria gives him back the ring and says that he doesn’t need to keep waiting around. He leaves, and she ends up sleeping with one of her classmates. 
     It’s the end of their relationship. It takes some time for them to recover enough to be friends again, and the friendship is casual and somewhat strained; Astoria refuses to get involved seriously with anyone after that for the rest of law school, and Iain heads back to London, where he’s married within the year. Where Astoria seems to be indifferent, she’s heartbroken; she knows that the relationship wouldn’t have worked regardless, but she’s miserable about it all the same, and she refuses to get involved in an emotional relationship with anyone for years after that, preferring instead to date casually. As soon as things get serious, she leaves. ( For a while, she keeps a picture of them with her sisters and brother the night they got engaged sitting in her office. There comes a point when she forgets it’s there. )
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