#but when i tell you ive had at least 10 different math teachers over the course of the last 15 years
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Top 10 Controversial Horror Films That Are Famous For All The Wrong Reasons *gags* *cries*
At the beating heart of horror is offence.
From that undeniable sense of something not being quite right, to the CGI-blood-spurtin’-adrenaline-fuelled scenes that leave us shaking in our boots, horror pivots on the knife edge of controversy.
It’s used to drive plots. It’s used to drive hype. And at the end of the month, it drives studio executives to the bank.
Horror films can be traumatic enough. But there are some films that bear the cross of controversy more than others. There are some films that have been branded as so damaging to their potential viewers that merely circulating copies of the film is illegal.
And yet their infamy has forged cult viewership. What was once shielded from us has now become ‘must see’.
Today we are going to be counting down horror’s most controversial films and what made them quite so topical.
*I’m going to star the ones that you can actually watch without getting traumatised. Some are controversial not because of their content but because some religious or political groups disagreed with them*
#10 - The Blair Witch Project (1999)*
Let’s ease in with a classic - a classic you can watch without sleeping with the light on.
In this found-footage flick we see a team of film students as they explore a local urban legend. But what they find leads them to unknown and ungodly territory.
The problem with this film is that it was marketed as a true story. No, not based on a true story, a true story. Yep, they claimed what we were seeing was real, found footage of some teens going mad as they forage deeper into mysterious woods.
IMBd went so far as to report that the actors were dead. Then, the movie studio super-charged their efforts to confirm to the public that not only was this film 100% real, the three main actors were still missing. The parents of the actors then started receiving sympathy cards.
There’s even a mocked up website that perpetuates these claims.
#9 - Night Of The Living Dead (1968)*
Time for another not-too-disturbing film.
This is the original zombie apocalypse film saw a group of Americans attempt to survive an incoming attack of the undead while trapped in a rural farmhouse.
But the Motion Picture Association of America wasn’t too happy about it. The film rating system was yet to be in place, allowing children to also show up for an afternoon screening and be greeted by a 97 minute montage of extreme violence.
“The kids in the audience were stunned. There was almost complete silence. The movie had stopped being delightfully scary about halfway through, and had become unexpectedly terrifying. There was a little girl across the aisle from me, maybe nine years old, who was sitting very still in her seat and crying”
#8 - Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer (1986)
In this psychological film, we watch a random crime spree take place at the hands of a couple serial killers. Loosely based on real murderers Henry Lee Lucas and Ottis Toole, its controversial reputation was founded on the gore ‘n’ guts screened in the movie.
Whilst it didn’t receive much attention from the public, various classification boards across the world ensured new versions edited with certain scenes - often involving sexual assault and necrophilia - removed for viewers.
In 2003, the BBFC (the UK classification board) finally allowed the uncut version to be released and Australia followed suit in 2005.
#7 - I Spit On Your Grave (1978)
It’s the original rape-revenge flick. And it managed to piss everyone off.
Originally titled Day of the Woman, it tells the story of a fiction writer who exacts revenge on a group of four men who gang rape her.
Despite its pro-women claim-to-fame, the 30 minute rape scene begs to differ. Furious debate surrounds its feminist label as a film that forces the audience to endure rape from a female perspective and long-winded violence against men (something which is often reserved for women in horror). Regardless, the graphic violence earned it a steady ban in Ireland, Norway, Iceland, and West Germany.
#6 - Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)*
You don’t get many controversial Christmas films. They typically stick to a cookie-cutter plot ‘n’ purpose every holiday season. But there are no strong women who need to rediscover the meaning of Christmas here.
Instead, we see a child traumatised by seeing his parents murdered on Christmas Eve go on a seasonal rampage as an adult.
A week after its release in the early 80s, it was pulled from theatres due to backlash. Marketing was focused on a Santa Claus killer with adverts often airing during family-friendly TV programmes and meant numerous children developed a phobia of Father Christmas. Large crowds protested cinemas with one notable protest involving angry families singing carols at the Interboro Quad Theater in The Bronx.
It was only in 2009 - 25 years after its original release - that a DVD of the film was first made available for purchase in the UK.
#5 - Psycho (1960)*
This legendary film follows the disappearance of a young woman after her encounter with a strange man called Norman Bates, one of horror’s most iconic figures. The controversy that would engulf this fim lay not in the violent attack on an innocent woman or even the disturbing content of the film.
Oh, no. It was because of what the leading lady was wearing.
In the opening scene of the film, we see Janet Leigh wearing nothing but a bra.
*gasp*
This racy attire was emblazoned across promotional material, meeting Hitchcock’s high standards of creating controversy around the movie. There was a no late admission policy for movie theaters, and the posters told viewers “Do not reveal the surprises!” to maintain a mysterious aura around the plot twist.
#4 - The Human Centipede (2009) (all of ‘em)
I’ve watched a lot of horror films, in case you couldn’t tell.
I’m used to watching a scary movie, shaking off the anxiety, and moving on with my life. But there are some that stayed with me. I only watched the trailer for the first movie, and it legitimately traumatised me. It gave me quite a severe, sudden bout of a depression for a solid month when I was 13.
Throughout horror’s goriest franchise, we see an evil doctor and amateur mad scientist attempt to sow several people together into a centipede-like chain from mouth to anus.
*retches*
At the heart of promoting the franchise was controversy. Tom Six, the director, forced a narrative that claimed from the first film that this was "100% medically accurate". He even alleged a Dutch doctor helped inspire the film, confirming that with an IV drip, this was entirely possible.
Although it didn’t receive furore that amounted to serious censorship or long-term banning, it was infamous for having its viewers vomiting in the cinema aisles.
The second film, however, was subject to much more severe controversy and could not legally be supplied in the UK until 2011 due to its heavy focus on sexual abuse, more graphic violence than the original film, and it’s pretty vile depiction of a murderer that was intellectually disabled.
Audiences were used to the graphic nature of the franchise by the third and final release. As the least-controversial and least-enjoyable film according to critics, it barely made a dent in the horror community.
Good riddance, I guess?
#3 - Faces Of Death (1978)
I’m not sure I’d recommend this one per se - but I will give it credit for being an interesting project.
This documentary-style film is a montage of footage of people dying in different ways. As a result of its very graphic and very real content, it was banned and censored in many countries. Only in 2003 was it released on DVD in the UK after a scene was cut featuring dogs fighting and a monkey being beaten to death.
Germany, Australia, and New Zealand followed suit, reversing their bans and releasing edited versions.
However, 7 years after its release, the media revamped its interest in the film after a maths teacher showed it to his class at a Californian high school. Two of his students claimed they were so traumatised they received a costly settlement to reimburse their emotional distress. Things took a darker turn a year later, when a 14 year old bludgeoned a classmate to death with a baseball bat; he claimed he wanted to see what it would be like to actually kill someone after watching Faces of Death.
#2 - Cannibal Holocaust (1980)
This Italian film’s title alone hints towards two frightening things: flesh-eating humans and genocide. In this found-footage movie we see an anthropologist lead a rescue team into the Amazon rainforest to find a group of filmmakers that went missing.
The rampant graphic content including sexual assault and animal cruelty showcased in the film (7 animals were killed during filming in some pretty horrific ways) led to it being banned in 50 countries.
Some also alleged that a handful of deaths seen in the film were real, as were the missing film crew. In fact, the actors portraying the documentarians signed contracts that stopped them appearing in motion pictures for an entire year to maintain the illusion of reality.
And only 10 days after its premiere, the director was charged with obscenity and the film confiscated. All copies were to be turned over to the authorities. There are currently a range of versions that have been edited to varying degrees and are allowed for circulation.
#1 - A Serbian Film (2010)
No.
Nope.
Don’t do it. Don’t watch this film.
A Serbian Film follows a retired porn star who agrees to feature in an “art film” for some cash. Little does he know this film will include rape, incest, pedophilia, necrophilia…
Just don’t watch it.
It is still banned in South Korea, New Zealand, Australia. It is supposedly a parody of politically correct films made in Serbia that are funded by foreign groups and allegedly speaks openly about post-war society and the struggle for survival.
*shakes head*
Off to have a 3 hour shower, brb.
If you, uhhh, liked this post please like and reblog.
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#horror#Horror Movies#horror films#best horror movies#scary movies#banned films#video nasty#a serbian film#human centipede#the blair witch project#cannibal holocaust#faces of death#banned movies#censorship#night of the living dea#controversy#controversial films
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I SAID ANSWER ALL THE MF QUESTIONS BEECH DONT MAKE ME COME OVER THERE
Okie dokii
1. What’s one animal you wish you could have as a pet but can’t?
jellyfish
2. Favorite thing to wear to sleep?
Usually just shorts and a tshirt
3. What song really gets you going?
Right now, Lights Out by 3Teeth
4. Where do you usually eat your meals?
In my bedroom
5. Favorite meal: breakfast, lunch, or dinner?
I dont eat breakfast or lunch so
6. Most embarrassing habit?
Bein an asshole
7. Chocolate or fruity candy?
Fruity
8. Soft or hard tacos?
Depends on the taco, man.
9. Worst way to break up a fight?
/ryan stiles voice/ you guys wanna stop a fight
10. Best thing to say in an elevator of strangers?
I aint talk to people
11. What color/design are your bedsheets?
Just gray flannel
12. Any hidden talents?
I aint even got any obvious ones,
13. Favorite thing to drink out of (mug, glass, etc.)?
I love a good pint glass.
14. Socks or bare feet around the house?
Barefeet
15. Favorite board game?
Candyland bitches
16. Do you sleep with the fan on or off?
Always on
17. Heat on or keep it cold with lots of layers?
Cold with lots of layers.
18. Do you sing in the shower?
Always
19. Favorite song to belt out at the top of your lungs when you’re alone?
Grave by Hellyeah
20. Last thing you cried about?
Anxiety attack a couple weeks ago
21. At what age did you first have alcohol?
21, didnt have any before then
22. Relationship status?
Single but into someone
23. What’s the most amount of money you’ve spent on a single item of clothing?
I dont spend a ton on clothes but I think I payed like 60 dollars for a band shirt once
24. What do you typically wear to formal events?
Nicer clothes than usual?
25. Favorite memory?
Just bein a chill happy kid honestly,
26. Gum or breath mints?
Gum
27. Favorite shoes?
Mah boots.
28. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
This whole how I look situation.
29. What is the natural state of your hair?
I gots a shaved head
30. Have you ever had braces?
No, wish I did though, I hate my smile
31. Most dangerous thing you’ve ever done?
Overdose.
32. Most embarrassing thing your parents have caught you doing?
I dont know really. I think I embarrass my parents more than the other way around
33. Last time you had an orgasm?
A couple nights ago
34. Celebrity crush(es)?
Legit dont have any. I have no connection with any of them so
35. Windows or Mac?
Windows
36. How old were you when you learned to ride a bike?
Uhhh 7. Our neighbor taught me.
37. Makeup or natural?
Both. Both is good.
38. What color do you wear the most?
Black!
39. Favorite season?
Winter all the way
40. Umbrella or rain coat?
I live in the desert and it hasnt rained in like 6 months so neither. Whenever it rains I just stand outside.
41. Have you ever fallen out of a tree?
Prolly happened as a kid but I dont remember. We had a tree we all used to love climbing at the house I was a youngin at.
42. First car you ever owned?
Same car I have now, my 91 Nissian Pickup.
43. What time do you usually go to bed?
Anywhere from 12 to 2 am.
44. Are you a competitive person?
Not really no.
45. Least favorite color?
Yellow
46. First pet you’ve ever owned?
A fishy
47. Sweet or salty?
Why not both
48. Favorite pasta dish?
Anything with basil and olive oil 👌
49. Favorite kind of chips?
Nitro Takis are the shit
50. Talk about something you’re passionate about.
Music. Nuff said.
51. What are some of your hobbies?
Music, video games, gunpla, legos, anything that kinda creative really
52. Caffeine? If so, what kind?
Monsters
53. Favorite kind of pizza?
Extra pepperoni with anchovies 👌
54. Fast food or sit-down restaurant?
Fast food. I dont like eating around people
55. Lots of acquaintances or a handful of close friends?
Close friends.
56. Something that ruins your appetite?
Being in a bad mood
57. Favorite labels about you?
Eh
58. Are you a religious person?
Not anymore. I grew up that way but organized religion always pisses me off. Im much more spiritual
59. Night out with a bunch of friends in public or night in with one friend having deep conversations?
One friend
60. What size shoe do you wear?
11 1/2
61. Favorite thing about yourself?
The fact most people cant read my sarcasm
62. Have you ever told someone you loved them first?
I dont think anyone has ever told me first
63. Have you ever had sex on the first date?
Kinda sorta?
64. Heroes or villains?
Maximals all the way.
65. Favorite fruit?
Prolly mangos or strawberries
66. Least favorite fruit?
Unripe melon.
67. Favorite vegetable?
Potates
68. Least favorite vegetable?
I like all the ones ive had Im not picky but the lowest prolly be carrots?
69. How many plates can you eat at a buffet?
Usually 2 or 3
70. Favorite dessert?
Whiskey
71. Do you play any sports?
No, never been my thing
72. Age you learned how to swim?
7 or 8 I think.
73. Tell a funny story.
My boss keep salt lamps in every room of his house "just in case" of rfid waves (???) but refuses to wear a mask when he goes out cause "theres no proof it does anything".
74. What’s one interesting thing about your culture?
How much closer the brown side of my family is compared to the white side
75. What’s one annoying thing about your culture?
All the gossip, man.
76. What job would you be terrible at?
Math teacher.
77. Would you rather watch a TV show or a movie?
TV shows
78. What’s your favorite compliment to give?
Anything that makes someones day a little better!
79. What’s your favorite compliment to receive?
I do not like receiving compliments i always feel awkward
80. Has your opinion changed on something recently?
Not that I can think of off the top of my head
81. Do you always order the same thing at a restaurant or order something different each time?
Usually the same thing
82. What’s something you’ve always wanted to try but haven’t yet?
drug
83. If you could learn to do anything right now, what would it be?
Record
84. Favorite physical feature about yourself?
Ew
85. Least favorite physical feature about yourself?
The whole the things
86. What’s one amazing thing you did that nobody was around to see?
Survived 👈👈😎
87. If you could change your height, would you?
Maybe, I feel pretty short
88. What’s something you would rate 10/10?
Holding hands
89. Heels or flats?
Why not platform boots
90. What’s something you wish you had more knowledge about?
Music
91. Would you want to be famous?
No
92. What’s something you would get arrested for?
Prolly trespassing
93. What’s your spirit animal?
Water bears 🤔
94. What’s the luckiest thing that’s ever happened to you?
Won tickets and got to meet Jonathan Davis so that was pretty cool
95. Are you the type to have an organized mess, or no mess at all?
Organized mess
96. Do you tend to make decisions based on the past, present, or future?
All of the above if able
97. Are you a planner or a more spontaneous person?
Planner
98. Thoughts on the oxford comma?
Important
99. What do you hope never changes?
How close the sun is to the earth
100. How would you celebrate your 100th birthday?
I aint ever wanna be that old.
Thank you Audi!!
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Now here's an all new theory for where the procrastination comes from
Like the uni councilors thought of like generic selfhate insecurity or like spineless ppl pleasing (nope an anime cured me of that when I was 13 - thst sounded more like what that ladys own problems might be), fear or failure & wanting to spite my father, eveb that getting ahead through "talent" was an unfair advantage bad tainted and evil, or that "talent" meant being beholden and controlled by others (definitely somewhat right - we worked on that, it helped, the second guy was defs much much more helpful & compatible cause he focussed a lot more on strategies than wannabe-maternal pep talks) but there was always something else there that wasnt getting touched
In tje end I dont think I have talent and in any case what really matters is attitude toward "living the examined life" for example whst you do. What you notice.
Now I did notice that things get harder to do precisely because I actually want them(whereas a lot of ppl get distracted from stuff because they dont really want it) - at the same time I can totally function or pick up new habits in day to day life its not like I have some "hardware problem" like, say, ADHD or the like.
Like of course its some emotional knot it couldnt be anything else but I feel they didnt identify what kind of knot? Certainly not that first lady. If im trying to get clarity and you give me reassuring pep talks you just freak me out more for the love of god tell me whats happening. Nothing worse when a Doctor says "it will be over soon" rather than explain the procedure
Fear of/ distraction from wanting itself never really occured to me thats not a common stereotypical fear that ppl talk about.
Let me get this straight I never thought I was better than anyone I knew very well that I'm not. I thought of both those things as ways not to get bullied, maybe get somewhere where I feel that im in the right place.
If I look back at really breaking experiences it was times I really really wanted something and then I couldnt do it or some outside party stepped on my fingers. That Tori Amos Music Video where she escapes from a psycho killer's trunk and then the passerby's dont help her? That was my most favorite music video in the world for years maybe still is.
Like I was told I could maybe skip third grade and I poured all my energy and passion and strenght into that everything I had to do well, make friends with the new class i was so highly motivated I aced all the exams I felt so happy & fulfilled just being in thst flow state all the time... i wanted this more than anything. Maybe it was the first time I really wanted something beyond vague dreams or base desires. But the homeroom teacher hated my guts and put the kibosh on that; Probably because I was unwittingly repeating some of the artogant classist shit my father spouts without realizing how hurtful it is. my parents thought it wasnt worth going to the higher ups for that but having to essentially redo 4th grade in a crap school in the different town we moved to was one of the worst times of my life. Also I didnt find out that the teacher had hated me/acted in a petty way until years after I thought I just failed. That there was a possible place I could have belonged but turns out I really belong nowhere after all.
All my effort was for nothing. It was such a joy - i mean these days even getting code to work or solving math problems has that same joy - but all that effort and joy and wanting did was that... im tearing up and searching for the words to even process this tbh. I think I denied that joy, told myself that I was just a stupud kid thinking I was a special snowflake. It didnt even matter.
Rather than insist on staying up late to make sure my homework was done I just stopped caring and hardly did another piece of homework in my life just faking it on the spot or coasting through. It could have gone another way maybe if it werent for the bullies and my father the chief bully or if only I was more determined but it was like "okay I dont care anymore I just dont care" and I think thats stayed my default response to dissapointment to this day.
This TV show didnt turn out like I wanted? I dont care its just a tv show.
My father treated be with hatred all my life? Its okay I dont care about him and I dont want his love anyway.
Like there were other times when I thought I could be happy.
Like I really wanted to go to this boarding school for gifted kids. Again I thought maybe incorrectly that this would be a place where I can belong and not be bullied it was never about being better than anyone.
Again I wanted it I clamored and cried and made noise nonstop. Maybe I still hadnt wholly lost contact with willpower back then. I still thought of myself as strong willed.
And my father made me regret it. It was around the same time that mom briefly considered divorce maybe I was just the stress valve. Or he took it personally as wanting to get away from him. Duh he abused me of course I wanted away from him. He was such a suffocating control freak! Mom said yes first then he spoke to her and suddenly she followed everything he said. Thats when I really realized how emotionally manipulative was how abusive... i mean one of my first conscious memories of him is thinking "oh crap I will be just like cinderella" but he really laid it on so thick so transparently even a 10 year old could tell its manipulation. If you do this you dont love your mom. If you do this you dont love your siblings. If you dont obey me your mom will kill herself. No she wont you jerk even my 2 year old self could tell youre abusive.
The most cruel thing he did was briefly say yes. Again I got so happy. So invested. Just bending all I was towards that even though he bombarded me with abuse and mental torture.
And then on the day we were supposed to leave he said no youre not going.
Maybe I actually did say I didnt want to go because of one time he was doing this constant scientology type torture on me
That same reaction: "I dont want it I dont want anything so please please let me be"
Ppl think of bad childhoods as a game that you win if yoz turn 18 -or 28 maybe - without killing yourself. But its not. Every year you live it can take away from your potential. Every day less than you have to live it
He sure didnt let me have sucess with his overcontrol and abuse. Anything I was proud of he rules. When I graduated from school with a fairly good but not perfevt final score he humiliated me. When I turned 18 he humiliated me. Everything I did was a burden even just feeding and washing me. Hed give me unwanted white elephant gifts then bitch about how giving them to me ruined his life cause he had to work so muxh "Ingrate Ingrate Ingrate" Butch I never asked for anything I want nothing!
But as I had to eat I did in fact have to ask things of him and I hated it so much.
No wonder that I turned out afraid of wanting things eh?
Hed seen some poster when we went to see tje school I wanted to go to - not by the school by an individual student - about the history of abortion portrayed in a positive way or at least that was his official reason why I couldnt go. Again I had wanted something badly with all my being and again all my being availed nothing. Irrelevant like I didnt exist. All my screaming gone unheard.
And this is so silly cause im not a child anymore I have control and if I were to stop procrastinating I could have money and gave even more control.
I havent even spoken to him in years now hes no longer relevant. Its not about him its about thus bad pattern I picked up.
I like how this books handles it with the idea that certain experiences dont create the type but that it nakes you uniquely suceotible to certain kinds of hurt or certain misunderstandings.
Because with all this discourse about bad message free media ive really come to think that while it can and should be minimized its not possible to eradicate cause human mibds are so quicl so fallible to extract overgeneralizations and make it mean something abput themselves
Like an immature statistical learning model easily overtrained by noisy data.
Another time I was nearly happy was when I started looking for work, doing my thesis...
Same pattern I was engaged, happy to be engaged talking to ppl at both work and in the uni work group loving it all so much...
my life had started to feel meaningful again. And it had gotten to that point in part because of my ex-fiance. Yes the councelling heloed taking up meditation helped, getting high on morning glory that one time helped a whole lot got more self esteem from that than I ever got from my father.
But that all started because of my ex fiance.
He was an i tellectual type and he had a sense of purpose about him like hes a legendary character and everyone around him became legendary too. And he found me useful! Others had called me "walking dictionary" with mockery and scorn he called me his google and it meant love and admiration. Maybe I got a bit of an ego trip off of tjat but I also really stupidly dumbtastically loved him I bragged of him to anyobe who listened everything he did seemed fascinating abd interesting and meaningful, but also I just loved the sweet gentle warmth of being next to him in the morning. Once again I was happy and everything was joyful even when it was hard, I felt strong and meaningful and useful and I let myself openly want things.
And then it all blew up. Worse yet i was so mistaken abozt him it really shook my confidence in my own judgement or any sense of clarity. I was si confused during the fucking breakup like I hadnt been since I left my father's house.
Google hah! More like his personal Alexa! It turns out he didnt respect or like me at all.
I couldnt even be sad or angry cause it was all my mistake. The one feeling I allowed - and even that took me weeks to identify - is dissapointment. Heavy leaden dissapointment i didnt even kniw that was a feeling you could feel so strongly. I didnt even do anything wrong you have to open yourself to have love. He could habe choosen to love me he just simply didnt. He probably thought he did but he wouldnt evebn do something as simple as not make fun of my voice or clean when I am sick.
Once he started putting me in the "wife" role he just became unable to see me. His loss really cause I think he wanted to keep me from all those annoying texts and email he had the nerve to write.
By all means I was right to trust but also right to leave later but still my sense of certainty and purpose and meaning was totally shaken. He did the sort of romantic stuff I didnt think was real. I knew I loved him when we had this conversation about water on mars. He got me the perfect books for my birthday! He said I was pretty and a genius and looked just like an actress. He got me this titanic esque heart pendant with stars. We were stuck at midnight in a train station that one time and he pulled out a picnic rug two plastic glasses and a shampain bottle. It never worked out but he said he might take me to see the LHC! I really thought we would be buried in the same hole folks!. He had read that same steven Hawkings book that I loved. One of the rather few books he actually read as I would find. Sigh.
And I fell right back into that same old pattern. Dont care about anything dont want anything it would be stuoid unrealistic and silly to want.
When I first came to uni I also had this feeling of hapiness and belongingness and wanting, I was putting in an effort, talking to ppl more.. and when things went wrong the slightest bit I pulled by hand back from that like from an open flame.
And here I am years later most the sucess or contact I get is comments on my fanfictions.
I thought I was doing that, or drawing, because its Stakes/Evaluation-free (going by the fear of failure theory) or because at least with the ffs gratification/payoff for effort is immediate compared to original stuff or uni work. Its a nice little niche at least.
I mean I do care about it its not "just" distraction but maybe ive been profaning it in that way... and so etimes I dont even do that and go for full unadulterated undebatable distraction; Line to 7 I guess. Tje only reason I spoke face to face to anyone else than the delivery guy this week is that I had some doctors appointments.
But not its distraction from stuff Im too lazy to do or even from pressure like I always thought. But from wanting things.
So the original fiction went great while it was a distraction from school not so much when its one of the things I most want and actually have the time to do it.
Even thought thats the most practiced skill I have that I never stopped working on since I was 10. 🤦♀️
I mean they already explained that its basically like meditation. Or weeds. Or popup ads. Youve got to click them away as they pop up.
I always told myself thst I didnt have to be happy... and thats not even untrue actually but it would sure be neat to be happy again one of these days.
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6? 22? Any other number you wanted to answer?
6- i dont have any stim toys, ive never really delved into that stuff, i was never really given the chance to explore stuff that would help me out with stimming and such. I also dont think i would like stim toys? Maybe i just have to try some but idk.
22- idk any specific songs i stim to. But ive stimmed while listening to mcr, and honestly i just stim to alot of the general songs i listen to. I really like singing along, i think thats a stim of mine, and some songs just listening to them is like stimming (anything with drums and/or guitars)
2- i like blankets a lot. Even if im hot and dont really need one, ill subconsciously grab the blanket on the couch and put it on my lap, and on my bed. There was one day i grabbed a pocket-sized beanie baby and put itin my hoodie pocket, and just knowing it was there made me happy. Also when i was with my friends one of them stuck their hands in my pocket and i panicked and like moved it out of their reach bc i was scared to get made fun of lol, it ended up being fine. I sleep with stuffed animals a lot. I think thats it
3- my school experiences were,,, not fun at all. Theres a lot to unpack there. My schools all had this thing called a “504 plan” or whatever. And it’s supposed to help people with certain disorders/disabilities. Mine only acknowledged my adhd as far as i know. Maybe my anxiety too. Some of the things that were supposed to ‘help’ were moving me to the front of the room, i got extended time to complete stuff (supposedly), extended time on certain tests (which i only saw on the act, literally i got no other extended time to do anything else. And after i got extended time on the act my scores shot up. Imagine the potential if i was given my actual extended time shit) and the meetings were hell. They started to have meetings with me in middle school, sixth grade i think. Having an administrator there, and my parents, and at least one teacher was terrifying to me. I think i cried every meeting. Honestly it felt like an interrogation to me, esp with all the damn eye contact and shit. My dad asked me if i wanted to continue it this year and i was immediately like fuck no nuh uh not happening. And whether or not I actually needed to be in the front of the room depended on the class, teacher, the people in there, but a lot of the time i would just be moved to the front and i would hate it. In eighth grade my math teacher moved me from the back of the room (a favorite seat in that class) to the front of the room in the middle of class for like a week. It was honestly humiliating and the only time i was eventually able to express my opinion on the 504 shit. Actually my freshman math teacher did that too. Ahaha moving on now before this gets too long.
4/5- three negative and positive things about being autistic.
Pros-
(1) i dont really have a chance to not have a hobby. Ive always got an interest to keep me entertained and i like that.
(2) stimming is nice, i like it, im not afraid to let myself stim. Makes me feel better.
(3) im unique and shit. I have a different pov than other people and that allows me to have different ways of thinking. I think outside the box ig. I also have this weird version of confidence and objectivity that I appreciate in myself
Cons-
(1) its hard to feel like i belong somewhere, bc im so different. Im getting better at it but im not good at getting close to people.
(2) i also like,, dont have certain permanence? Like object permanence? A lot of the time i dont really miss things/people unless im somewhere that reminds me of them. Idk if it’s negative really but its something,, even a spin, like bts, i dont really miss them that much until i do. Theyre still very important to me but yeah
(3) people dont really get me the same way other people get other people. And its hard for me to explain it to people. And theres certain people i get more than others. Its weird.
7- people need to give autistics a chance to be heard. Apply the accommodations you “give” them. Dont put them in the spotlight and give them space when needed. We are what you might call “picky” too. Eating, learning, socializing, we have our own things we need to be able to do shit. Learn them. Let us stim. Encourage us to learn about ourselves and remind us that youre there for us. But dont try to help us unless we ask or we actually need help. Dont trigger meltdowns on purpose, stop using the r word even in passing like its not a big deal. Be more than aware of us, accept us, appreciate us. Dont be a bystander.
8- i dont have much experience with meltdowns? I think? If i have i didnt have chances to recover. I had to go back to class or something. Idk how to recognize them in me either.
10- showering. Thats a big thing that even though i kinda need i forget to do. Except during school. I had a whole routine in the morning and i was super punctual. If i didnt shower i would be late, miss the bus, forget something.
12- meat. The way it feels. Disgusting. How do people eat it and not feel like dying? Same with lettuce. Spinach is fine but every time i try to eat lettuce I almost throw up. Bell peppers, pickles, vinegar, mayo, eggs usually, cheese sometimes. Just off the top of my head. One time i tried putting lettuce on my burger, was feeling adventurous, and after biting down i had to just take the lettuce off. Another time, my stepmom (newly married to my dad) made slads for us, and i was skeptical. There was white stuff all over the salad and she wouldnt tell me what it was. I tried eating a little carrot stick thing and almost vomited. Thats when she learned I cannot eat mayo. Even if idk that its mayo i still cant fuckin eat it. She forced me to eat bell peppers one time. Didnt go well at all. At all.
(Not gonna do the spin one bc ive already talked about them and if i do again itll be too long)
15- yes! I only do big stuff(?)(like yelling n shit) when im completely alone. Like if im home alone. Bc i get so loud. Sometimes ill hum in my room or sing to myself in my room though. Its so fun. As for phrases i repeat, ill repeat anything i find interesting. In a movie or song, or even something a friend said. One time my mom said the phrase “tough titty said the kitty but the milks still good” and i went around the kitchen repeating it until she got annoyed. Also sometimes something in the room will have a constant sound and ill like think a phrase to that sound repeatedly. Idk how to explain it lol. Idk if thats echolalia either
16- rocks. Typical i know, collecting rocks. But i just cant help it. I see a rock i like, i pick it up, take it home. I used to collect sticks. And when i was in elementary school, i used to pick shit up off the playground. Beer bottle caps was a favorite. Apparently the school called my mom about it bc they found my stash and thought it was from home and my parents were drinking excessively. 😬 oops
18- introverted?
19- kinda depends. Idk. I really cant tell wow. I would probably say hypersensitive. Just cause i have a ton of sensory issues and a lot of stuff bothers me. Like types of clothes. And how things are resting on my body. Yeah i guess i am hypersensitive.
20- i used to struggle with self love a lot. And sometimes i still kinda do. But in the past few years ive really started appreciating myself and trying to learn a lot about myself. Its going well id say.
21- empathy. Hmm. I think im very empathetic, actually. I can always tell when someone is feeling uncomfortable in a situation. And when i should tell people to back off of them if they wont say it themselves. And im very uncomfortable when theres secondhand embarrassment. And bullying, in something im watching or reading. Yknow, I actually cant watch mean girls. I just. I tried, i had to walk away bc I couldn’t take it. It also kinda triggers me so theres that. Bc of the bullying. But yeah im very empathetic. Otherwise socially im not good at that.
23- nope. Ive got like no support system other than tumblr and online friends. Apparently my dad refused to acknowledge im autistic and hes my favorite parent. Thats his big flaw though. And if i “came out” to him and said it myself he would probably come around. I know hes not completely nt either. My Opa has ocd, so nuerodiversity runs in the family ig.
While making this i got distracted and went on insta for like an hour oops lol
24- steampunk cosplay? Or college dorm tips? The steampunk one was freshman year, and the college dorm one was fifth grade. It lasted well into sixth grade and seventh grade.
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im in high school right now and i just... hate it. so much. ive been on 3 different antidepressants, the schoolwork is just too much, i really just despise high school. all the drama and everything, i just hate it. my parents esp my dad just tell me im too negative and emotional and need to change my mindset as if i like being sad all the time... does life get better after hs? and how do i make it go by quicker?
Apologies for the delay, I wanted to make sure I was in the right head space to answer this as best I can.
Spend your energy on classes you enjoy, not classes that you're told to take for college. You are living right now, and while planning for the future is important, overloading yourself for the uncertain future is bad for your mental health. A low (but passing) grade in a class you dont care about and are told you should care about isn't a big deal, I promise.
Figure out where the drama is primarily coming from. Decrease your social interactions with them, effective immediately. If they're your friend and you care about them, you can still maintain that relationship without being privy to their drama, it just takes some balance and practice. Are you feeding into the drama in any way? Reevaluate your actions and see what you can do differently in the future.
Find a hobby you love and that CREATES something. Seriously I can not stress how helpful this is with mental health, especially depression. Ideally this is something you can take with you to school, or at least look forward to doing once you get home. Make it part of your daily, or at least weekly, routine. When things get rough and you need a break from the negativity, throw yourself into the hobby. For me, it ended up being crocheting. I can whip up a hat in a couple hours. And when depression would tell me I was awful and worthless, I would make an imperfect hat and go, see??? It's not perfect, but I MADE something that does a thing. Even better if I could give it to a friend and it would make them smile-- bc they were holding an achievement of mine, complete with all its flaws, and loving it. And that external, unsolicited and pure joy and validation was easy to turn into something I could wave in depressions face.
As for making hs go faster, free up some time. This is advice that isn't really approved of by teachers and parents, but it honestly helps a lot. Is there a class that you're good in without trying too hard, that gives you a lot of homework? Ideally this is a class that you make an A in but wouldn't mind a B, or make a B but wouldn't mind a C. Now, look at the homework category in your grades. How much of your class grade does it make up? 5% (no joke I had a class like that)? Congrats! As long as you pay attention and study, you can get by with never turning in another assignment. Quit doing homework. 10%? Do assignments here and there, but again, just keep up with the class material so you do well on tests and skipping homework isnt a big deal. 20-50%? Do the math, and see how many zeros you can have before it has a major impact on your grade. Congrats! When you're having a particularly rough week, purposefully get a zero on the homework for this class. Just keep an eye on your grades. 60%+? Be careful. Be very careful. But you can still miss an assignment on occasion. Or, as the better approach is, on the lengthy assignments, do the bits that are easiest, and half ass the hard parts. Congrats!!!! By doing this you have freed up some extra time to work on your hobby, or sleep. Which brings me to my next point...
Prioritize sleep. There's a balance to be had, of course, but if you've already hung out with your friends a few times this week, say no the next time they ask and go home and take a nap. If you have an off period, find a comfy chair or corner somewhere, and set a timer on your phone for 20-30 minutes. Cat nap that bitch. THEN do whatever you normally do in your off period. Try to get at least NINE hours of sleep each night. Don't be one of those kids that "competes" by saying "omg I only got 4 hours". While this may give you some temporary social status as everyone ooos and awwws over your seemingly superhuman self, it's not worth it. Trust me. I was one of those kids and we were all dead inside. Get some sleep. It makes everything so much easier to deal with. That said, dont beat yourself up if you dont get enough sleep one night. You're already going to have a rough day, dont make it worse on yourself.
Your dad doesn't understand mental illness. Depression isn't an outlook you choose, but an uphill struggle to try and enjoy some small part of your life. It's rough, it sucks, but it IS possible to manage. Discard all negative blogs you might have or follow rn. Be careful in how much you listen to depressing music. It has a time and place, and that is not when you're feeling at your worst or your best, but when you're just feeling a little shitty and need the outlet to get through the day. Keep a journal. Be as dramatic as you'd like in that girl, no one is gonna see her. Just make sure to end each journal entry with two things about today that lifted your mood, and one thing (no matter how small) that you can look forward to tomorrow.
Things do get better after high school, but that doesn't mean you should just wallow and wait and pray for this to go by as quick as possible. You have a life, right now, that is waiting to be lived. It's time for some spring cleaning, and then off on whatever adventure the day brings!
You've got this, I believe in you!!! And if you want more advice or clarification or just want to vent, feel free to come into my ask box again or stop by my dms. I'm no therapist, but I've been where you are, and I can try to help in all the ways o know how.💖
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Yay laptop! *type type type*
So I reblogged this meme a bit ago as a reminder to answer all the questions for Wes when I had time. Technically I’m procrastinating on a writing thing, but I’m stuck on that one, so. ^_^
1) Something this character is truly proud of. -- You know, this one is kind of tricky, because as much as Wes acts like a blowhard, he doesn’t actually brag on his achievements very much. His looks, sure. Other people’s achievements, absolutely. But he projects that “not a badass” image about himself. I think he’s definitely proud of the morale officer stuff, though, especially when he manages to get Wedge or Tycho or Hobbie out of a funk.
2) Who they want to please the most. -- Oh, Wedge, forever. That causes some tension in his friendship with Hobbie every so often, because Wes will always put Wedge first. It’s awkward when your wingman knows he’s your second priority. *hugs them* That’s like, the motivating factor of at least two different unwritten/unpublished stories I’m involved with right now, probably more.
3) Who depends on them. -- More people than think they do. The Rogues, the Wraiths, probably most of the Rebellion back in the day. Wes downplays just how much of the emotional grunt work he does on keeping the rest of these idiots functional, as well as how much of the paperwork load he carries. Wedge and Hobbie both know they depend on him, that’s the people who really matter.
4) What they would do if they had one month to live. -- This is an interesting one, because Wes already lives on the basic principle of “eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow you may die”. If he knew for a fact that he *wasn’t* going to die for a whole month... well, it depends. If he was invulnerable for that month, like absolutely unable to die ahead of time, he’d definitely go full Hamster Princess and like jump off cliffs and things. If it was just “you have a terminal illness”, I don’t think anything much would change, but he would get even more affectionate with his friends and also try to set things up so that they wouldn’t be absolutely lost without him, because he does do so much support work for them. If it was some kind of “I’m a time traveler from the future, you die in thirty days, this is absolutely necessary to preserve the timeline / save your friends from some horrible catastrophe, but we know you didn’t die till then”, and somehow telling him that doesn’t Schrodinger the timeline already (which it would)... um. This sentence got more complicated than I anticipated.
If he knew he was like fated to die in thirty days but not until then, but was not protected by a Hamster Princess curse spell thing, I’m not sure. What there should be is major fiddling with causality to find a timeline where he can save them without dying, but that requires roping people like Wedge and Luke into the process, and he wouldn’t. :-( Stupid idiot doesn’t think he’s worth saving. So he’d keep quiet, try to set things up to help his friends without letting them know that anything was wrong. They’d start to realize something was fishy, because they know him too damn well, and depending how angsty you wanted to get, it could wind up in a stable time loop self-fulfilling prophecy thing where he only has to die to save them because they figured out something was fishy or got in trouble trying to help him or something. The trouble with that time loop is that there’s no kriffing reason for the time-traveler to come back and tell him he’s going to die or has to die, if he did die, if things are working. *headshake* Time travel is hard.
5) A cherished personal belonging. -- Lieutenant Kettch, obviously. Yub yub, Commander.
6) Something they lost, but would love to have back -- Hmm. There’s not really much of anything for this in canon, which means I have to make something up. *ponders* Nothing occurs to me at the moment. That’s a story that somebody could write but it’d have to be the right thing (or the right person/friendship/whatever) and I don’t have one here.
7) This character’s favorite character -- Favorite character in what? GFFA media? Earthside media? Favorite person in their own source canon? I think Wes would really appreciate Jack O’Neill, although I’m not sure how Stargate SG-1 would come across in a galaxy where most planets have high levels of civilization, since it’s portraying a galaxy where most planets are pretty backward and only a few kind of patronizing alien races have anything like GFFA levels of technology. Like it’s a very different worldview. It plays specifically to Earth culture in ways that might make it very strange to a non-Earther.
8) What kind of car they would drive. -- Some kind of classic muscle car or hot-rod, probably. Tycho likes speed, Wes is all about power. “I mean a real tractor beam.”
9) What calms them when they are upset. -- Wes really, really needs to have the rest of the Fab Four around him, which is why Distna is such a renewable resource. ^_^ When he’s alone and trying to handle his own emotional shit, he likes to play brainless datapad games (that’s canon, he was playing one to keep from stressing out while he and Hobbie waited at Iella’s for Wedge and Tycho during Starfighters of Adumar) and snuggle Kettch. I also write him being fairly stimmy overall, liking certain textures and repetitive sounds and fidget toys, but that’s just me, it doesn’t have much actual basis in canon, only his general liking for swishy capes and blastswords and shit like that.
10) How they deal with pain. -- Emotional pain, he sits on it and ignores it forever. ;P Physically, he’s pretty tough, but he doesn’t do the kind of teeth-gritting silent-suffering thing I associate with like grungy alpha male types. He’ll hide that he’s injured if he needs to, if letting the others know would distract from an important or time-sensitive mission, but... like, I’m thinking of a bit in the comics, and comics characterization is always subject to being taken with more than a grain of salt, but the bit where Tycho is setting Wes’s broken leg, and Wes is making Noises and Tycho is being like “c’mon Wes you’re tougher than that”. Like Wes is fundamentally not a quiet guy, and he doesn’t have the macho wiring that makes not showing pain a matter of pride. He’ll scream if he wants to. (This holds true whether he’s injured, having sex, having fun, or just making noise for the hell of it. ^_^ At least one of my planned Kinktober pieces revolves partly around the fact that I always write Wes as being really vocal/noisy in bed.)
11) This character’s favorite piece or pieces of clothing. -- The Adumar flatscreen cape, for sure. Wedge may have managed to airlock it on the way home, since it doesn’t show up in other pieces of Legends media, but he likes that cape a lot. It’s so flashy and tacky and amazing. :D
12) How they sleep. -- This one I’ve put a lot of thought into for cuddlefic purposes. His favorite way to sleep is at the bottom of a squadron cuddle pile, being squished under people he loves, like a living weighted blanket. (Which also ties into me writing him sort of autistic/ADHD-coded, but whatevs.) He tends to sprawl all over the place, unless he’s in a bad enough emotional place that he starts going fetal position. Wes is not a person who’s ever internalized any kind of “don’t take up space” message. (Damn, always-a-girl Wes would be an interesting fucking character to write. I’m calling Not It, because that would interact with my brain issues in ways I don’t want right now, but man.)
13) What kind of parent they would be. -- I’m not going to answer this one directly, because parenthood and parenting hits a lot of my buttons in very bad ways. But turning it around to “how are they with kids”, Uncle Wes is definitely Syal and Myri’s favorite when they’re little. They can climb on him like a jungle gym, he tells the best stories, he treats them with this conspiratorial respect that makes them feel like they can conquer the world, he is the best weird uncle altogether. The very saddest thing about the Nonspecific Excuse ‘verse is that Syal and Myri missed out on that. (I have Opinions, possibly. ^_^ Seriously, though. Wedge is a good dad, and Iella is wonderful, but I strongly doubt that Myri especially would have turned out like she did without Wes’s influence.)
14) How they did in school -- This is like twenty percent canon and eighty percent headcanon. We know that Wes is good at math / statistics-type stuff and XO paperwork. He’s a lot smarter than he acts most of the time. In my own head, I actually give him the kind of memory I’ve got, photographic or eidetic or whatever we’re calling it now, except it works on numbers and people’s faces as well as just words -- so, for example, Adumar-era Wes can remember every one of the nurses in the Yavin IV medbay by name, knows which one of them was pregnant but not showing yet (and how the kid is doing now, and probably sends it birthday presents), knows most of their birthdays, doesn’t have a comprehensive knowledge of which ones have died since but knows some of them.
This doesn’t have a lot of support in canon, but it does have a little: Wes gives Wedge that little dossier on Ejector Darpen, and I strongly suspect he could have given the same level of brief background and analysis on any of the other surviving Yellow Aces. (Which is a royal fuckton of responsibility to have, and possibly one reason he’s a little cautious about spreading gossip around, beyond funny stories everyone remembers. Do you know what kind of trouble you can cause if you remember every unflattering thing anyone has ever said about anyone else in your presence? It’s a lot. A lot a lot a lot. I was not a fun friend to have as a teenager.)
So, um, specifically about how he did in school, there are two ways I could go: straight-A student or deliberate slacker. I mean, either way he’s the perpetually goofing-around class clown, I’m just not sure whether he’s also the teacher’s pet / kid who always knows the answers. I think I’d lean toward saying he was, though, because of the little “shill in the audience” bit he does with Wedge that one time -- that has very much the flavor to me of a kid who always made it a goal during the first week of class to get the teacher to go “Not you, I know you know it” and call on someone else, cause that’s me. ^_^
15) What cologne or perfume they would use -- I don’t honestly have enough of a sense of smell to answer this question. Personally I like sandalwood, but that’s Isard’s perfume (well, “leatherwood”), so even though Wes might independently wind up using it, I feel weird going with it. It’s like the Only One Steve rule. ;-) But Wes has a pretty vivid sense of smell -- I noticed when I was going over the “nice rear, Lieutenant” prank for something else, the descriptions of both the Ewok food and the cleaning fluid are strongly scent-oriented -- so either he’d wear something strong-smelling that he enjoyed, or something very subtle so it wouldn’t bother him, or just not wear scented stuff if it does bother him.
(God, the sheer levels of detail I get out of these books. Sometimes I feel like I’m reading way too much into these tiny little details, but it’s fun. And way more harmless than overanalyzing the Bible and Catholic religious doctrine in order to figure out The One Right Way To Act, which is what I used to do with these skills. ;S)
16) Their sexuality -- Oh, pan as hell. I personally write him as pansexual, aromantic, usually polyamorous, and pretty solidly cisgender, but that’s me. I’ve seen him written lots of different ways, but he very much appreciates pretty people of all genders, whatever exact orientation one goes with. (I don’t think I’ve ever seen him written gendervariant, but that would definitely be a possibility. Maybe I’ll come up with a story for that at some point, maybe not. And @virusq had a great suggestion for a bi/panromantic asexual Wes who flirts with everybody and is really into cuddling and pillow-talk but not sex, I don’t think anyone’s written that one yet either. *shoves it into the big pile of prompts in the middle of the table that is this fandom*)
( @tigerkat24 part of me keeps wanting to write an ace!Wes ‘verse where he’s basically James, but part of me wants to actually write those stories with James and Mort instead of Wes and Hobbie, and jesus fuck why do I have to have multiple pairings with the same dynamic. Why. :P I still don’t have an actual arc for Mort since I stopped wanting to write his original arc, either.)
(I keep going back and forth on whether to put my Mort/James stories from Rainbowfic onto AO3. Like they’re “original fiction written in a fannish context” for sure, but they’re also kind of scattershot and rather ancient, and... blergh. idk. Writing is hard.)
17) What they’d sing at karaoke -- This is again difficult because GFFA media. Earthside AU Wes, though, I’m definitely thinking the kind of bouncy catchy... do they call it “bubblegum pop”? Songs like “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”, “All the Single Ladies”, those very girly-coded danceable songs, just belting them out without a hint of irony, dancing and shaking his butt and having a grand old time. (You know Wes has at least acceptable dance moves. ^_^) One of the things I really especially enjoy about Wes is that he doesn’t have the toxic masculinity shit that a lot of flirtatious male characters are coded with. He would definitely be a drag queen in any context where that was an option, you know? It’s nice to have a character I read as cis male but who doesn’t have any gender panic about enjoying the girly shit. There aren’t enough of those.
18) Special talents they have -- Well. There’s the killing people. ;P I mean, that really is the main one. He doesn’t have much in the way of non-military life skills, and he knows it. He mostly doesn’t get super angsty about it, because he mostly doesn’t get super angsty about anything, but... y’know, even when it’s just a sentence or two, I really like those little bits where a writer comments on it, that he’s a soldier and he’s not really... prepared to be anything except a soldier. Peacetime would be so, so hard for him to adjust to, and I don’t quite have a solid story idea for that but I really want somebody to tackle it someday, whether it’s me or somebody else.
19) When they feel safest -- Underneath a cuddle pile of all his friends, definitely. If he knows they’re safe, then he’s safe. You know? They have each other’s backs. He’s not really functional as a single person, he’s part of a unit. It’s not super healthy, but god I miss it :P
20) Household chore they hate the most -- Hmm. See, this one requires figuring out what chores Rebel/NR pilots even do, other than KP duty. (I feel like having Wes constantly on KP is kind of cliched; the only person we actually see get KP in the books is Face. So I like to try and come up with other shit. But there’s not a lot of chores that pilots actually do. They have laundry droids and shit for most of it.)
Earthside modern AU, though... hmm. The thing is, I’ve got chores I love and hate, but those are formed by my specific childhood history, which is deeply complicated. Wes specifically... I’m not sure we have enough data. Does he enjoy cooking? Does he have sensory issues? Does he find laundry boring? (I always liked laundry because the laundry room was in the basement away from all the yelling. Wes probably prefers chores that can be done in the middle of a bunch of people, because they’re not yelling at him. ;P Any discussion of household chores really runs into my issues, I guess.)
He probably doesn’t enjoy mopping or scrubbing things down, because we know he dislikes the scent of space Lysol, it’s too strong and sharp. See, if I talk long enough I can always come up with something I can tie back to canon. ^_^
21) Their fondest childhood memory -- Hmm. That’s a difficult one. We really have no data on Wes’s childhood, other than that Taanab is an agri-world and therefore he’s probably by some definition a farmboy. The rest is all speculation. Personally, when I need him to have a family, I borrow the one @irenkaferalkitty invented, because they’re adorable and ridiculous and I love them. So, basic US-Midwest-ish farming setting, working-class family, six kids, Wes is the oldest. (His dad is an autistic ex-Jedi and his mom is amazeballs. She’s like if Wes had never gone into the military. I love her.) But I still don’t have much specific in the way of childhood memories.
22) How they spend their money. -- Well, with the NR providing clothes and housing and all those basic necessities, I figure Wes basically just buys kids’ toys and lets the rest of his money sit. (Hobbie, who comes from a banking world, is absolutely horrified by Wes’s complete lack of financial acumen and summarily invests most of his money for him. So by the time he retires the first time, after the peace treaty with the Empire in 19 ABY, he’s... maybe not necessarily rich, but definitely well-off. He can afford to travel a bit, buy a farm on Taanab, that sort of thing. I’m seeing a vintage Y-wing on blocks in the yard, because I’m from Indiana and everybody has a hot rod and/or a couple of hangar queens up on blocks. ... @shadesofmauve, you have Corrupted me, look at all this space slang in my writing. ^_^) I have one story just about finished and waiting for a potential Kinktober, where Wes and Hobbie’s farm has a custom-built swimming pool for Hobbie, with a hot tub for both of them and a waterslide for Wes. I mean, the waterslide doesn’t come into the story, but it’s there. XD
23) What kind of alcohol they drink -- I feel like I answered this before at some point. @camshaft22 and I have some pretty detailed headcanons about Wes and Hobbie and alcohol, because we needed them for Afterimage. So in canon, pretty much everyone drinks one of a few things: lum, lomin-ale, Elba beer, Whyren’s Reserve (which is usually a high-class Corellian brandy but depending on the author can morph into a whiskey, become lower-class, etc). We know Wes likes Whyren’s, because Wedge gives him a shot glass of it as a sort of apology after the “nice rear, Lieutenant” prank. It’s described as having a “rich, smoky flavor”, so I figure in general he’d like whisky-type drinks with that kind of peaty or smoky flavor to them. (Coincidentally, whisky is basically the only booze I don’t find undrinkably disgusting. There’s supposedly a gene that makes vodka and some other drinks taste horrible; I’ve definitely got something going on on that front, because even the tiniest sip of vodka causes me to splutter and make horrible faces. It’s not the higher proof, that just tastes more like Listerine, it’s something else I can’t describe. Maybe it’s bitterness, Google’s bringing up articles about a supertasting bitterness gene.)
Um. That paragraph got away from me a little. Basically, Wes likes whisky and brandy best, but will happily drink pretty much anything.
24) What they wish they could change about themselves -- Now there’s a question. Wes seems mostly pretty happy with himself. There are things in his history he’d like to change, but as far as who he is, physically and mentally and emotionally, he’s pretty chill with himself.
25) What other people wish they could change about them -- Hah. Depends whom you ask. His close friends wouldn’t change a damn thing. Some other people wish he’d just stop being Wes altogether. It’s a rich tapestry. ^_^ There are a lot of people who fall somewhere in the middle, like if he’d just be a little more serious or a little less obnoxious or at least go be himself somewhere else, but most of those are post-Endor. The remaining pre-Endor Rebels in the service, especially the ones who remember Hoth and Yavin, appreciate Wes exactly as he is, because when you’re stuck on a goddamn iceball for a year, a big huggy guy made of warms who always has a joke or a prank or a game idea or a magic trick to cheer you up and break the monotony is priceless.
(In universes where Wes disappears long-term and is presumed to have committed suicide at some point after Distna -- Nonspecific Excuse is one, there’s another one I might do something with someday when I’m stable -- I always kind of think about the general reaction among Rebellion survivors who maybe hadn’t seen him since Hoth. I imagine it’s like hearing Robin Williams killed himself, like there’s that shock of... *tries to word* You know. It feels wrong, that somebody they remember as this perpetually sunshiny presence in a long dark endless winter, somebody who brought so much joy and love of life to everyone around him, could get stuck in such a dark place. That he helped them and there was nobody to help him when he needed it. Like, I mean, depression is a terminal illness, we all know that, but -- like, if he’d died in combat, that’s one thing, but... *words* Like, if he died in combat, that’s sad, but he was still him. For that joy to go out first and cause his death, that hurts more, in a different way. Am I making any sense?)
#wes janson#about writing#meta#headcanon#rogue squadron#star wars#depression#suicide mention tw#that was a lot of writing#tumblr you better not eat this post#i am copypasting it just in case
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Sure why not, these kind of online quizes remind me of a different time on the internet haha
Tagged by @briwookie thanks friendo
First rule: Tag ten people you want to get to know better.
Second rule: Bold the statements that are true.
APPEARANCE:
I am 5′7 or taller
I wear glasses (not frequently but yes)
I have at least one tattoo
I have at least one piercing
I have blonde hair
I have brown eyes
I have short hair
My abs are at least somewhat defined
I have or had braces
PERSONALITY:
I love meeting new people
People tell me I’m funny (depends on context but ive gotten it before)
Helping others with their problems is a big priority of mine
I enjoy physical challenges
I enjoy mental challenges
I am playfully rude to people I know (to a certain extent)
I started saying something ironically and now I can’t stop saying it
There is something I would change about my personality
ABILITY:
I can sing well
I can play an instrument
I can do over 30 pushups without stopping
I am a fast runner
I can draw well
I have a good memory
I am good at doing math in my head
I can hold my breath underwater for over a minute (maybe???)
I have beaten at least 2 people at arm wrestling
I can make at least three recipes
I know how to throw a proper punch
HOBBIES:
I enjoy sports
I’m on a sports team at my school or somewhere else
I’m in an orchestra or choir at my school or somewhere else
I have learned a new song in the past week
I exercise at least once a week (need to get back on it haha)
I have gone for runs at least once a week in warmer months
I have drawn something in the past month
I enjoy writing.
Fandoms are my #1 priority (I don’t know how to interpret this, I like being a passionate fan of things I enjoy and I’ve been trying to be better about interacting with fellow fans online in a positive manner but #1 priority feels like a strong description)
I do some form of martial arts
EXPERIENCES:
I have had my first kiss
I have had alcohol.
I have scored a winning point in a sport
I have watched an entire TV series in one sitting
I have been at an overnight event (worked one and been to one, thanks Disney)
I have been in a taxi
I have been in the hospital or ER in the past year
I have beaten a video game in one day
I have visited another country.
I have been to one of my favourite band’s concert
MY LIFE:
I have one person that I consider my best friend (a few actually)
I live close to my school/work (so thankful for this this year)
My parents are still together (omegaLOL)
I have at least one sibling
I live in the United States
There is snow where I live right now
I have hung out with a friend in the past month
I have a smart phone
I own at least 15 CDs (mostly a stack of video game OST’s, can’t remember the last time I bought a physical CD album, also assuming this is music)
I share my room with someone.
RELATIONSHIPS:
I am in a relationship
I have a crush on a celebrity (I’ve never been much for celebrity attractions or crushes, I don’t know why)
I have a crush on someone I know
I’ve been at least 3 relationships
I have never been in a relationship
I have admitted my feelings to a crush
I get crushes easily (not so much anymore but I won’t deny the occurance)
I have had a crush for over a year (usually tried to act on it or get over it when it happened)
I have been in a relationship for over a year (super thankful for my S/O)
I have had feelings for a friend (this ones always hard to process)
RANDOM:
I have break danced
I know a person named Jamie
I have had a teacher that has a name that is hard to pronounce
I have dyed my hair
I’m listening to a song on repeat right now
I have punched someone in the past week
I know someone who has gone to jail (closest I know is a friend who was in a temp cell when he got a DUI, he’s been sober for 2 1/2 years now, super proud of him)
I have broken a bone
I have eaten a waffle today
I know what I want to do in life (not 100% but ive had a good strengthening of goals the last few years)
I speak at least two languages (English, Espanol, learning 日本語)
I have made a new friend in the past year
tagging (not sure if i can find 10 because i dont have a lot of mutual followers but here we go, trying to be more social online lately): @nicegoinbigblue , @okamidensetsu , @ehmay @dapper-ass-wrex
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This is too long
Why did you close the door the last time you closed one?
so no little kids would rampage in
Stripes or polka dots?
stripes
Do you care if people touch you when they’re talking to you?
depends on who
What is your gender?
female
Do you think that people think its obvious?
i sure hope so haha
How long did your first date last?
0 seconds ;)
Is your favorite color within 10 feet of you?
yes
Highlight of your day?
my old friend came over
Would you rather be on a boat or a plane?
dood no boats those scare the f outta me, but ive never been on a plane
Can you tell when girls (or guys) have eyeliner on?
yes.
Can you cook?
yikes uh.. nope
How high is your ceiling?
i believe 35 feet im some parts of the house
Whats the worst job you can think of?
honestly idk
Do you swear a lot?
what the fuck are you talking about
Does the last person you texted have an O in their name?
HA no
Is everything working in your house?
i dont think so
Would you rather have a pool or a trampoline?
pool.
Does pop give you energy?
no..?
TV show you love with a passion?
the walking dead, and ive been watching the 100, but i love twd a lot more
Do you think you learned anything from the worst night of your life?
yeah, im a fucking prick/dick head
Perfect age to get married?
who the fuck knows
Is it safe to say you own over 20 pairs of shoes?
i own 3 or maybe 5.. i think
Name a career path that women are known for taking.
doctors?? idk
Favorite type of cookie?
chocolate chip, i can never make them because i always come close to burning the house down
A quality you look for in choosing a significant other?
if anyone can understand me im good
What would I find if I looked in your pocket?
no pockets
What was your first word?
yo wassup my homies. (I say that too much, but I have no idea)
A musical instrument you wouldnt mind learning how to play?
DRUMSSS
Last time you went to 7-eleven?
months ago
A fast food restaurant that you hate with a passion?
I kinda hate most of them equally
Does everyone in your family have a job?
yeah
Going anywhere this weekend?
im going to a legally blonde musical
Is your room ever clean?
yeah but usually never
What does it mean when youre being quiet?
im mad
Last person you had a face to face conversation with?
my cat
Wheres your phone?
dude idk ive been grounded for 2 weeks ahahahah
Do you know the difference between your and you’re?
yes i aint no dumb bitch
How late did you stay up last night?
10 pm
Anyone youre ready to kill?
oh hell yeah
Do you need to get a tan?
yes
What do you want?
money and love
Favorite TV show as a kid?
dood idk
Whats a show that you absolutely refuse to watch?
Strangers Things
How many times have you been in love?
once
Go camping or go to a party?
camping
Do you remember how old you were when you started swearing?
maybe when I was 12
How many years older than you would you date someone?
I would like to date anyone in my grade, nothing over or less
What was the last thing you pinky swore on?
I dont swear to anything, ever, unless i care about the person usually more than my self
Would you consider yourself a nice person?
no. why is this even a question
Are there a lot of mirrors in your house?
a lot more than I think there should be
Has there ever been a serial killer in your house?
I sure hope not
Do you know anyone who looks like Adam Sandler?
no
True or false: Glee is annoying.
true, ive never watched it but I know its annoying
Last thing you cooked?
grilled cheese
Do you use slang often?
maybe
Wear glasses?
yes hahahaha
About how old was the last person that hit on you?
well.. no one has ever hit on me OH wait I cant say (this one girl maybe I don't her well oh god)
What color are your headphones?
black and red BLUETOOTH BITCHES
Would you make a good teacher? Why?
I would rather be some sort of leader than teacher
Dont you hate those commercials that try too hard?
lol some commercials are my life, like the life alert commercials. HELP IVE FALLEN AND I CANT GET UP but yeah some over them are just to much
Is the fan on?
I have like a ton of fans on right now
Any special reason why youre taking this survey?
i have nothing better to do
What does the last text message you sent say?
i was telling my mom that my little sister was being a pain in the ass and that i wanted pizza hahaha
Your friend needs you to run to the store to get a pregnancy test. Do you?
which friend? Friend #1, id ask her who she fucked and be really surprised. Friend #2 I wouldn't even have to ask. Friend #3 I would be shocked and possibly upset. But id get them for all of them hahahaha
Do you log out on facebook when you leave the site?
i dont use my Facebook
What color are your underwear?
white
How short are your nails?
short
Do you like the opposite sex to be dominant or you the one in control?
funny you ask that, id rather have the opposite sex dominant and id rather be dominant with same sex.. yep
Favorite holiday?
Christmas
If I asked you to point to Ohio on a map of the US do you think you could?
yeah
You're locked in a room with spiders. Do you have an issue?
spiders don't really bother me, depends on size tho
Do you wear your most expensive item of clothing often?
uhh
Do you eat a lot of food?
no THERE'S NO FOOD IN OUR HOUSE
Have your parents ever tried to control your relationship?
well like a relationship relationship? maybe
Have you ever had to give someone directions before?
yes i forget everything but I know how to give directions like a mastermind
Speaking of which, are you good at understanding driving directions?
ive never driven before because im too little!! in two years i can tho hahah
How many people do you text daily?
usually none
Do you play any instruments? Which instruments do you play?
nothing
Is there anyone who you call by their last name?
no
What did you do on your last birthday?
I dont remember I think I had a sleepover tho
Which of the Seven Deadly Sins do you commit the most?
what
Has anyone ever told you that you’re incapable of whispering?
no
What is your least favorite subject in school?
math and science
Have you ever been involved in a custody battle before?
depends
Do you know a couple who constantly sucks on each other’s face?
what the actual fuck
When was the last time you watched a YouTube video?
a few days ago
Have you ever babysat a newborn baby before?
no
When was the last time you held someone’s hand?
does my cat count
How many meals have you eaten today, so far?
none and it’s 1:05 pm
Do you think it’s stupid for people to call others “hot?”
no because they might actually be hot hahaha
Do you personally think Wikipedia is a reliable source?
yeahhh? depends
Have you ever shopped at Wet Seal before? Did you like it?
wtf is that
Do you care about spending money if it’s someone else’s money?
yeah
What is your favorite Disney movie of all time?
dude I dont really like Disney movies so none
When you were a child, did you ever want to become a wizard/witch?
wtf no
Would you rather have hardwood floors or carpet?
i have both in my house
Who was the last person you yelled at? Why?
my little little sister
As a kid, did you ever go to camp?
no
Have you ever made out in a movie theater before?
no
Are you currently trying to learn to play any instrument?
no.
When was the last time you went somewhere you thought was haunted?
hmm a few months ago
Who was the last person to compliment you?
idk that was over a month ago
How old were you when you got to go on your first date?
never have and I bet I never will :(
Would you call your parents over-protective or under-protective?
over protective helpppp
Did your parents ever let you play in the pits of those multicolored balls?
what
Have any of your siblings ever had a crush on your significant other?
chandler riggs or alycia debnam-carey?
Are you the jealous type?
yeah
When was the last time you felt like you were high on life?
when clarke and lexa had sex mwahahaha what
Do you know someone who cares about themselves more than their child?
yeah haha we have their kid now
Do you still watch cartoons on television?
no
What do you usually order at Taco Bell, if you go there?
i dont like taco bell
Is there anyone currently annoying you?
yes
Do you have freckles?
no :’(
How many dogs do you have, if any at all?
imaginary doggos
Have you ever witnessed someone being beaten up?
i couldn't say I witnessed someone being beat up I usually beat up things
Do you think biting is weird or sexy?
well it depends on who
Would you rather be called hot or beautiful?
hot but im neither hahaha
Have you ever had a pet turtle before?
yes
Do you still sleep with your parents when you’re scared sometimes?
no.
Have you ever met someone with two different color eyes?
nope.
Have you ever felt like someone was following you?
yeah
What color shirt are you wearing at the moment?
white
Do you enjoy going school shopping?
sometimes
Do you think Pug dogs are adorable or just plain ugly?
I LOVE PUGS my grandpa has some and I love them so much
Have you ever met someone who completely resembled their pet?
haha ive never thought of that but maybe
What was the worst substance you’ve spilled on yourself before?
bleach
Have you ever made out with more than one person in one night?
no
Do you think there is a soulmate out there for everyone?
no defiantly not me
Do you like short or long surveys the best?
long
Have you ever bought fake money and tried to make it pass for real?
no
Are your siblings nice the majority of the time?
depends on who
Do you freak out when a thunderstorm comes along?
no i live for thunderstorms
How often do you shower?
every other day
Have you ever had to sell something for a school fundraiser?
maybe
How many sodas do you usually drink in one day?
sometimes one but usually never
Have you ever met someone who was completely weird all-around?
yes shes a good friend of mine
Do you ever watch any soap operas?
i have no idea what that is
Have you ever met someone who was mean to everyone?
yes. (me) thats not trueee though <3
Do you usually have a low tolerance for pain or high tolerance?
I dont care whenever I get injured
Would you rather eat or sleep?
i dont care
Are you one of those die hard Twilight or Harry Potter fans?
no just no
Do your parents ever force you to talk to your grandparents?
I have one grandpa and a step grandma and I dont really know her that much but I never really see them
Do you think long surveys are boring or entertaining?
it depends on the questions.
Have you ever learned that someone had lied to you all along?
i feel like someone has been lying to me but I dont know if its true or not
Have you ever wanted to be a lawyer?
no.
Have you ever had to bail someone out of jail before?
no.
Is there anyone in your immediate family who was adopted?
yeah
Do you know anyone who doesn’t have any common sense?
yes my same weird friend, oh and me :)
When was the last time you bought something?
Monday
Do you think you look anything like your parents?
kinda
What are your plans for this weekend?
i answered this
What color is your significant other’s hair?
Chandler Riggs and Alycia Debnam-Carey both have brown hair. Woah ive never thought about this but every single person ive ever crushed on was a brunette
Have you ever applied for a job at Walmart before?
no.
Would you ever become a foster parent?
id rather be a foster parent than give birth but I fucking hate kids (maybe that's why I hate myself)
Are you ashamed of anyone in your family?
yeah my cat Bub he attacks my other cats
Would rather talk to someone on a landline or a cell phone?
cell
Has anyone ever given you a psychiatric assessment?
no
What is your favorite amusement park?
i dont know
Did you ever have braces?
I WAS SUPPOSED TO GET THEM OFF THIS MONTH BUT NOOOOOO
What is cuter: kisses on the forehead of the cheek?
i like both? why am I answering to this
Do you believe in evolution or creation?
evolution, there was never a god who created anything
Would you rather take a bath or a shower? Why or why not?
shower, I dont have time for baths
Does it bother you when people touch your personal items?
depends.
When was the last time you did something sexual?
..depends on what..
Do you collect anything? What?
snapbacks
Are you better at hand-drawing things or painting?
I cant paint to save my life
Have either of your parents ever called you a failure before?
oh my god all the time! They tell me that more than compliments
Have you ever suspected someone of cheating on you?
no.
When you get married, will you convert your last name?
depends on who :)
Are your parents divorced, married or separated?
married
Has someone ever left a relationship with you for someone else?
no.
What’s the most painful thing you’ve ever experienced?
from december 5, 2002 all the way to today
When was the last time you went shoe shopping?
like 4 weeks ago
Are you a part of any clubs at your school, if you still go to school?
like in 7th grade CREATIVE WRITING CLUB oh man
Do you know someone who wears a wig?
no
What is your best friend’s last name?
nakamura. its my cat haru
When was the last time you cried? For what reason?
awhile ago because im a fucking baby, just because im going to a different school than a friend of mine who im going to tag mwahaha sucks to be you IM LOOKING BACK AT THIS ITS NOT TRUE IT WAS THE LEXA DEATH SCENE
What is your favorite shop to go to at the mall?
forever 21
What time do you usually go to bed on the weekends?
like 10 or 11
Have you ever considered suicide?
not much?
Have you ever been raped before?
no.
Would you ever consider becoming a marine biologist?
no if i ever see those words again im going to fuck someone up. (my dad wants me to be one but im deathly afraid or the ocean)
Did you carry a lunchbox as a child?
yes.
What is your favorite ‘sweet’ to eat?
idk
Are you someone who usually eats when you’re bored?
no
Have you ever eaten your way through a breakup?
no.
Who was the last person you texted?
my mom
Do you usually buy popcorn when you eat at the movie theater?
yeah
Did you sleep alone or with someone last night?
alone.
What kind of dressing do you eat on your salad, if any?
none
Are you someone who constantly likes to wear hats?
no what are talking about im not wearing a hat at all
Have you ever seen a Lifetime movie that relates to your life?
what
What is your Myspace URL?
never had one
Are you someone who likes to wear dresses more than pants?
hahaha if i ever have to wear another dress again im going to kill myself
Have you ever dated someone who was way overprotective of you?
never fucking dated alright
What was the last thing you touched besides your keyboard?
my HAT
When was the last time you witnessed a fist fight?
never..?
Do you know anyone who lives in the state of California?
bitch I do
Are you waiting for a text right now?
no
Is it your summer vacation right now?
yepp fucking kill me
Do you like traveling?
love it, more time I can listen to to musicccc
What color are the walls of the room you’re in right now?
dood i think grey, im looking now and its hard to tell
Do you still make mix cds?
no.
Are you eating or drinking anything right now?
no
Do you go to church regularly?
no i dont believe in that stuff
Who’s your best friend?
haru
Are you determined?
yeahhh...
Are you always looking for/in a relationship, or do you like being single?
id love to be in a relationship but i hate so many people and a ton of people hate me and I bet i never will
Ever had your heart broken?
yeah
Even broken someone else’s heart?
oh god yes
Are you confident?
not really
When’s the last time you smiled?
today.
Are you tan?
no
Any big plans for today/tonight?
I want pizza
What’s the background on your computer?
oh I recently changed it to lexa and clarke from the 100
Do you have days where you just want to listen to sad songs?
yeah
Don’t you hate when your plans fall through?
sometimes
Ever maxed out a credit card?
no
How old are you?
older than time itself
Who’s the last person you kissed?
my cat
Are you hoping they will also be the next person you kiss?
no
Do you ever actually go on dates?
no
Im going to tag @rottentulips because I finally found a really long question tag for her to do so you're welcome ;)
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I'm not sure but I think I might have BPD, until I can talk to my doctor about it do you have any advice on how I might have a clearer understanding whether or not I do have it, like smaller symptoms, tells, etc. Thank you
hey anon! this is quite a lot, but i hope it helps
ok so, i know some people say “oh, just google” but tbh i dont trust google for this because
1. most stuff you’ll find are related to “how to deal with a borderline relative/partner/friend” and not enough about how to make the people with bpd feel better and
2. most articles and stuff talk about the major symptoms, but not everybody experiences the same thing, and some people have a milder disorder than others. as for the smaller symptoms, it’s harder to find stuff on
tbh when i started looking up bpd (in august last year) before talking about it with my doctor, i was really frustrated, cuz not only did those make me feel bad and abusive, but they didn’t give me information.
what helped me a lot was really trying to pay attention to my emotions, my mood changes. because a lot of doctors get bpd mixed up with bipolar disorder, it’s good for us to evaluate this too. one thing that i was told that’s different between both is that in bipolar disorder the mood changes can last for days, while in bpd they’re usually (but not always) in small intervals. sometimes it even lasts for a few minutes.
one thing that might really help not only with anger/sadness/etc relief, but also with understanding those symptoms is writing a journal. doesn’t even need to be anything extensive, just something small about what youre feeling will help. and then when you gather all of that, you can analyse it.
now, as i said bpd is often different for different people. what i’m mentioning is mostly my own experience and what signs helped me realize i have bpd and talk to my doctor about it:
- an intense fear of being abandoned. i have a really big history of going into really deep depression after a breakup, being it romantic or not. any thought of being alone completely breaks me. which brings me to the jealousy. in my case, it isnt really a vengeful kind of jealousy, but more sad and angry, because that person who i idolize “is leaving me” or at least that’s what it looks like to me. that reminds me of when i was 16, and idolized my math teacher. she was helping me through my depression and ocd, and was amazing. then every single time i would see her talking to another student i would get really upset, have panic attacks, cry, and just want to interfere and stop it. i didnt know why, but somehow i had to be the only one she liked. once a friend of mine was talking to her about me and i had a major episode, because i Had to know if she was talking shit about me i just Had To.
- i tend to abandon everyone else, unconsciously, whenever i idolize someone. usually everything i do or want to do is related to that person. but then out of nowhere they make me hate them for a day or so, and then i love them again.
- impulsive behavior is a really big sign too. in my case, it was never anything like spending too much money, eating too much, having lots of sex, etc. mine were always unnoticed by me, actually, until i started thinking about it. since i was a kid, i always started a sport, dance, any class, and would drop after a month or so. ive tried literally everything the school had to offer, and every time it would get less exciting or id get sad, id drop it. when i was 10, i was attending an english language course, and we had an exam after just a week of classes. within a minute of the start of the exam, i started crying and asking to leave. the coordinator came and talked to me, telling me it would be ok to do it, but i didnt care. so i cried so much they had to call my mom. and i dropped it. now, in 2015, i started an architecture program at uni. it was fine at first, but then i had a major breakdown due to a person, and i decided to drop everything. so no more architecture. then i tried engineering. 1 month, something happened, i had a suicide attempt, ended up at the hospital, dropped the program. so pay attention to these behaviors, even if they seem normal to you. mine seemed like it because i justified it saying that i was just looking for “my calling”, but nothing would ever be that calling, because i wouldnt let it.
- overwhelming emotions, everything being exaggerated. always black or white, never gray. it you love it, you idolize it. if you dislike it, you hate it with everything in you. not only with people and things, but also ideas. and you cant understand neutrality. when someone is neutral with you, even if not being negative, it is like an insult anyway, and you lose it. and these are emotions that are terribly hard to control. you want to control them, but you cant. you try, but it’s never enough. and no one understands why youre freaking out over something as simple as dropping your ice cream, or getting your hair wet. small things like these have an enormous effect on people with bpd. and people always say “youre overreacting!” but honestly, not really. we feel that way. it may not be a big deal to them, but to us it feels like a stake to the heart.
- but also feelings of numbness. it took me a long time to realize i have this, because i honestly thought it was normal, everybody had it. and for a while related it to being sad (maybe theres 2 types of sad, feeling too more and not at all?). i usually describe it as feeling like im in a movie, like i know people and things are there and i can see and touch them, but i cant feel them. like im putting my hands in ice cold water, and i know its cold but i cant feel the cold. like i know the world exists but does it really? most of the time, when im not dissociating, i dont even remember what it feels like, because it feels like nothing.
- trouble expressing feelings and thoughts. idk if many people have this, but i have it quite often. somehow i cant put to words what is really going on with me and even when i do, people dont usually understand it.
- indecisiveness. seriously, i cant even decide what underwear to wear. i say i cant, because it’s not like i don’t want to, it just takes the whole of me to make a decision. whether it is a big one (lately ive been struggling with deciding where to go for my exchange program) or a small one (what to eat for dinner), it��s always a huge fight in my head, and most times it expresses itself in terrible ways. every time im faced with a choice, i end up crying, panicking, and most times decide to give up and not choose anything at all. sometimes i cant even choose to give up, i just lay there crying and screaming and hating everything. it’s a nightmare.
- a lot of anger when things dont go as expected, or when feeling abandoned, as well as extreme fear, and not being able to trust easily. but a lot of times being very kind too.
im trying to think of something else but dont really remember rn. these are the most important symptoms for me though, and what made me realize i have it. but really, if possible, write a journal, write things you feel, bad or good, anything can be useful.
you can also learn more about it and/or find some good helpful stuff here, here, here, here, here, here and here
#im sorry i wrote so much!#i usually do this and i need to stop#anyway i hope it was ok that its so much and that it helps!#sorry i couldnt think of anything else#and pls do let me know if u need any more help!#anonymous#answered#bpd things
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