#but understanding that there's a lot of emotion in that song and Caleb would break down after the set

[chronicalchaos]

Wick modern AU: Explained +Some fun facts

Uhm, i was gonna wait until i finish this AU's synopsis and new book cover, but both will be taking a while until they get ready...

And i wanted to post this "overview" for a while now, anyways, here's some fun facts and a summary of the story:

Old book cover:

I'm really proud of Sam's shading, but the twins look weird and Tom looks old...I won't use this cover, 'cus Travis and Duncan are main characters as well and i want to include them on the cover. +My art style changed!

Story summary:

Just a quick thing! I changed quite a few things to fit the narrative and the modern days setting, i hope you understand!

The story of this AU happens in September 2014, a little less than a month until Sam’s birthday, where the Weavers aren't dead– Well, most of them aren't...

The narrative is centered on a curse, that was based on the audio that plays when you pick up Benny's bible, where 7 people are affected by it: Tim, Tom, John, Sam, John's brother/Sam's dad(I won't name him), Mary and James.

Sam's, Travis' and Duncan's side of the story will be more on the investigative side maybe with a bit of comedy(I'm not good with writing that, so it will most likely be just investigation), while Tim and Tom's side will be the more angst and unusual/horror side. Sam will have a bit of horror as well, since he's linked with them by the curse, but the twins will definitely have the spotlight when it comes to horror/unusual stuff.

Fun Facts:

General:

The story happens a week, maybe a bit more, after summer break

Even tho one of the first chapters is set on school, them going to school will probably just be mentioned or implied, Example: Them leaving a school bus

For some reason, i saw a few stories where everyone knew what polio is and how it works, which i felt it wouldn't be realistic, so that won't happen here

It has a lot of paranormal stuff

The summer camp by the Weaver's property is closed and has been like that for a few years now

Just Mary and James call the twins Changelings, the rest of the city knows there are "changelings" walking around, just, not that the twins are them

There's no changelings, they think there is, but in reality it's just a curse(like that's something lighter than a demon switched with a child at birth)

The song that helps me get in the mood of this story when I'm writing is "Far too young to die" by Panic! At the disco

Timas Weaver:

Tim is 12, he'll be 13 in...approximately 3 months

He was born December 30th 2001 and is the oldest between him and Tom

He's almost an inch shorter than Tom

He has a huge burn scar! It goes from a bit more than half of his chest, both his arms, his palms and his whole neck, he got that scar when he was 3 years old

He's does not have asthma, but he does have extreme pyrophobia on it's place

He has flat affect, his face doesn't match his emotions/he looks serious most of the time(I'm so sorry if I don't portrait it right! Please give me constructive criticism if I do something wrong here!)

He's a theater kid and would be quoting a lot of musicals if Mary didn't isolate him and Tom from the world(The theater part only exists because of his and Tom's masks)

The whittling thing exists here, but like, it won't be of much importance to the story, the knife will! But not the whittle part

He despises spiders and it's Tom's fault!

He climbs trees (there's not much I can say here to be honest)

He has this...i don't know if you can call it a quirk, but, he tends to tilt his head to the left, it's kinda random

He's ambidextrous, was left handed, but Mary forced him to learn to use his right hand

He teached himself how to throw knifes...don't mess with him

Paranoia!

Needs therapy

Tomathy Weaver:

Tom is 12 and will be 13 in approximately 3 months

He was born December 30th 2001 and is the youngest between him and Tim

He's almost an inch taller than Tim

He doesn't have Polio now, he did when he was...around 5 years old

His left leg is bigger than his right one, his right feet reaches his left ankle

His left ankle is paralyzed, that's why he uses a leg brace

He's claustrophobic, he developed that on the same day Tim got his scar and pyrophobia

He won first place on a spelling bee before he got Polio and he used to spell when he got anxious, but after John's disappearence he started shuddering, shaking and cracking his joints instead, very similar to how he shudders on the game

He loves spiders!

He is really flexible, but, because of his polio, he can't play around with it anymore

He likes to draw

He has pretty bad scoliosis

Paranoia #2!

Socially awkward baby

Went to therapy when little, needs to go back

Caleb Weaver:

Caleb is 9 years old

He was born August 19th 2005

He's almost the same height as Timas

He was a year old when Tom had polio

He's actually James' kid, not John's

He won first place in 2014's(the year the story happens) county track meet

He dislikes Tim

Lillian Weaver:

Lillian is 5 years old

She was born February 28th 2009

She's a bit tall for her age

She's notorious for making little deals between her and her siblings, like helping them get away with something in exchange of something(getting her out of class during their recess, buying a new plushy, etc.)

She's a really curious and affectionate kid, loves hugs, kisses and especially being picked on someone's lap

She loves bunnies(even tho this isn't a surprise)

Benjamin Weaver:

Benjamin is 14 years old and will be 15 in less then a month

He was born October 24th 1999

He's just really tall compared to the twins (it's kinda funny, Tim and Tom are 4 years older than Caleb, but they are just an inch taller than him)

He's really religious and prays a lot for his siblings' health and safety

He's been trying to take care of Tom after John's disappearence, since Mary doesn't do it, much the opposite, she hides Tom's medicines on purpose

Mary Weaver:

I didn't give her neither an age nor a birthday...i probably need to do that

She had an affair with James, when the twins were 4 and Benny was 6, Caleb was born from this affair

She doesn't hit any of her kids, but she does neglect most of them

On the nights between Saturday and Sunday, she doesn't sleep, she spends this time praying with a candle, then, before they go to church, she writes everything that happened that night on her diary

She has a lot of diaries, she keeps them in the attic

She's a little bitch(i don't know what else to say about her)

Pastor James McAlroy:

James also doesn't have an age nor birthday (i only have the Weaver kids and Sam's birthdays)

He won't appear much, but he does have a big role on the story

He's Caleb's biological dad(i mentioned that like 3 times already)

He tried doing a "honest-to-god exorcism" on the twins, it was just a cover for an attempt of murder

He's a toxic little shit(there's not much I can say about him)

Samuel Burton:

Sam is 12 years old and will be 13 in less than a month

He was born in October 2nd 2001

Him and Travis are Brothers on their mom's part

He's cousin with the Weavers, minus Caleb, they just don't know each other

He can be just as smug as Travis sometimes

He absolutely hates going on ghost hunting, he thinks it's dumb

He has long hair and freckles all over his body

He's just too lazy to tie his own shoes

He's the only one that remembers to bring a backpack when ghost hunting

While Travis is the camera man, he's the flashlight guy

Travis Burton:

Travis is 15 years old and i don't have a birthday for him, well, he would be born in 1999 just like Benny

He doesn't like wearing glasses, but doesn't have other choice, he either doesn't take proper care of his lenses and gets his eyes irritated or he just lost them

He's the face of his and Duncan's channel

He tries to drag Sam to be part of the channel, but he doesn't really want to be part of it

He cusses way too much

He's brave, only because he goes face first into danger without thinking

Duncan:

Duncan is 15 and would also be born in 1999

Big ass coward, sends Travis and Sam to go investigate on his place every fucking time

Entitled as fuck

The "brain" behind his and Travis' channel

He's suspiciously good on researching, he'll find the most unexpected things about you

He's a little shit as well

...i think that's it! Now i can go continue the first chapter and maybe finish it soon

#wick (2015) #travis burton #wick hellbent games #tom weaver #tim weaver #caleb Weaver #lillian weaver #benny weaver #mary weaver #sam #duncan #wick #modern au #wick au

[bthenoise]

We’re Starting To Lose It So We Made A Fake Music Award Show To Remember The Quarantine By

We are losing our minds and we aren’t talking figuratively like The Pixies. Every morning waking up in quarantine feels like an episode of Punk’d. 

Where is Aston Kutcher -- oh right, it’s 2020 -- Where is Chance The Rapper? we ask ourselves as we peel ourselves out of bed for what feels like the millionth time.   

Seriously, though. We know you guys are feeling the same way too. We read the tweets. We see the TikToks. Ya’ll are losing your goddamn minds just like us. 

The good thing is, to help with this sense of craziness as best as we possibly can (which isn’t saying much, we aren’t doctors after all -- shout out to all the amazing medical teams out there!) we have constructed the first and hopefully last 2020 Noise Quarantine Awards.

Featuring highly coveted awards such as Best Soundtrack To Fuel Your Hatred For The Government and Best Song To Steal Toilet Paper To, the awards below are meant to shine a light on all the positive things to come out of 2020. 

We know it sounds like an impossible task to put “2020″ and “postive” in the same sentence but somehow we did it. 

Check out the awards below.   

Fantastic Features Award

Silverstein - A Beautiful Place To Drown

Honestly, there are probably about ten different awards we could give Silverstein’s sensational LP A Beautiful Place To Drown. From start to finish, this is hands down one of the band’s best albums yet. However, for the sake of this very serious and very made-up award show, we are happy to present the scene staples with the Fantastic Features Award. 

Not only did the band include familiar favorites such as Beartooth’s Caleb Shomo, Simple Plan’s Pierre Bouvier and Underoath’s Aaron Gillespie, but they also went out of their way to include other artists such as emerging rapper Princess Nokia and Intervals’ guitarist Aaron Marshall. Now if that doesn’t deserve an award, we don’t know what does.  

Back Off Pit Daddies Cause This Song Slaps Award

A Day To Remember - “Mindreader”

But there’s no breakdown! How am I supposed to mosh to this? Would you quit your whining? It’s pretty much impossible for A Day To Remember to write a bad song. And sorry to break it to you pit warriors, they definitely didn’t start with their newest track “Mindreader.

Best Album To Eventually Soundtrack The Next Matrix Movie

Code Orange - Underneath 

Does this one really come as a surprise? Essentially creating their own genre of technology-influenced metalcore (computer core, maybe?), Code Orange’s Underneath is the perfect soundtrack to any type of action-packed, dark web-based, sci-fi thriller like The Matrix trilogy. Now would you like the red pill or the blue pill?  

The Welcome Back, We Fuckin’ Missed You Award

The Ghost Inside - “Aftermath”

A world without new music from The Ghost Inside is a world we don’t want any part of. Thankfully, for the first time since their tragic bus crash back in 2015, the metalcore maestros have returned with the hard-hitting and incredibly emotional track “Aftermath” taken from their soon-to-be-released self-titled album. So for that, the least we could do is present the band with the Welcome Back, We Fuckin’ Missed You Award.  

Honorable Mention: D.R.U.G.S (aka Craig Owens) - “King I Am”

Best Song To Listen To On Repeat And Realize You Successfully Killed Two And A Half Hours Of Your Quarantine

Loathe - “Screaming”

There is nothing made up about this whatsoever. We seriously thank Loathe for creating mind-altering music that transports you to a new dimension.  “Screaming” is a gem and the band deserves to be awarded for it. Oh, and also, I Let It In And It Took Everything is an amazing record everyone needs to hear ASAP.

Best Album To Get Drunk And Talk About Your Feelings To

Violent Soho - Everything Is A-OK

We’re not sure exactly what it is about Australia’s Violent Soho but they always seem to bring the deepest and darkest emotions out of us. Their latest LP Everything Is A-OK is no different. From track one to track ten, the band’s first new album since 2016 is an emotional magnet attracting feeling after feeling leaving us desperate for a drinking buddy and a good cry.

The If It Ain’t Broke Don’t Fix It Award

August Burns Red - Guardians

August Burns Red has been a prominent staple of the heavy music scene for years. Since bursting out of Lancaster, PA with 2005′s Thrill Seeker, the two-time Grammy-nominated act has been a constant source of inspiration with their bruising, top-notch musicianship. Fifteen years later, with the release of their ninth studio album Guardians, the metalcore vets are still as heavy and hard-hitting as ever deserving of our If It Ain’t Broke Don’t Fix It Award.   

Best Album To Eventually Soundtrack The Next Season Of Black Mirror

Enter Shikari - Nothing Is True & Everything Is Possible

Enter Shikari is easily one of the most unpredictable bands in our scene. One minute you think you have them and their eclectic sound pinned down, then the next they release their genre-shattering LP Nothing Is True & Everything Is Possible. With cinematic twists and turns from the rock-oriented opener “THE GREAT UNKNOWN” to the cosmic tornado that is “{ The Dreamer’s Hotel }” and circus-themed “Waltzing Off The Face Of The Earth,” Enter Shikari’s spellbinding LP is a perfect fit for something just as fascinating as the next season of Netflix’s Black Mirror.

Best Album To Get Your Medical Degree To

Vermicide Violence - The Praxis Of Prophylaxis 

We understand it’s not easy to comprehend deathcore lyrics. However, if you’re in need of a good study buddy while you prepare for the boards, look no further than Jarrod Alonge’s new parody album The Praxis Of Prophylaxis. Covering high-end medical topics such as vaccines, gingivitis, asthma and more, Vermicide Violence’s new LP is sure to help a lot more than those Grey’s Anatomy re-runs.    

The Tasmanian Devil Award

Rotting Out - Ronin

The Tasmanian Devil award is a highly coveted prize (possibly one of our most coveted) given to the album with hands down the most circle-pit-inducing tracks. While there have been some pretty good options this year, the record that stands out the most is Rotting Out’s first new album in over seven years, Ronin. Without going too far into detail -- because honestly, it’s pretty obvious why we picked this record -- if you’re able to stand still while listening to these fiery ass songs, you’re probably a cop.

Best Album To Get Drunk And Talk About Your Feelings To Part Two

Spanish Love Songs - Brave Faces, Everyone

Really? You’re gonna complain we used the same category twice in a made-up award show only created cause we’re stuck living fucking Groundhog Day over and over again? Instead, how about you put that same energy into enjoying Spanish Love Songs’ brilliant, tear-jerking album Brave Faces, Everyone. You won’t regret it.

Best Soundtrack To Fuel Your Hatred For The Government

Anti-Flag - 20/20 Vision

Regardless of if you’re really into politics or not, it’s practically impossible at this point to not swear at our so-called “leaders” up in Washington DC. So if you’re looking for the best album to fuel your hatred for the Head Cheeto In Charge and all his helpless minions, look no further than Anti-Flag’s powerful 20/20 Vision.

Honorable Mention: The Homeless Gospel Choir - This Land Is Your Landfill

The Album Most Likely To Get You Out Of Mosh Pit Retirement

Polaris - The Death Of Me

This record is the definition of “slaps.” From beginning to end, Polaris’ punishing new album The Death Of Me is a heavy-duty rollercoaster ride that will leave you with a melted off face and an endless desire to jump back in the pit and crack a few skulls.  

Best Album To Rip A Phat Riff To

Hot Mulligan - You’ll Be Fine

Hot Mulligan are a bunch of jokesters but there’s nothing funny about their new album You’ll Be Fine -- alright, maybe a few of the song titles are a little silly. The band’s latest release is a guitarist’s delight with ringing mathcore-like riffs that will leave you both jubilant and jealous. Case in point, give the infectious opener “OG Bule Sky” a spin and get back to us.   

Honestly, Fight Us, This Song Is A Bop Award

All Time Low feat Blackbear - “Monsters”

We know what some of you cool cats and kittens are thinking: But this isn’t pop-punk!? Since when does Blackbear get a scene pass? Listen up. No, this song isn’t “Dear Maria, Count Me In” but who cares? It’s 2020 and musical genres are dead. Enjoy the good music while you can before we’re all dead too, okay?

Honorable mention: PVRIS - “Deadweight”

Best Song To Steal Toilet Paper To

The Chats - “Drunk N Disorderly”

If you haven’t had the fear of potentially wiping your ass with a washcloth over the last few months, this award probably isn’t for you and your 30 extra rolls of toilet paper. However, for us regular folk who have a limited supply of TP, The Chats’ fast-paced High Risk Behavior track “Drunk N Disorderly” is the perfect song for stumbling into someone’s home and swiping a roll or two.  

Wow We Didn’t See That Coming Award

Falling In Reverse - “The Drug In Me Is Reimagined”

Ronnie Radke has never been afraid to push boundaries musically. Whether it’s rapping on a track or dropping an upbeat, synth-laced single like “Bad Girls Club,” the former Escape The Fate frontman always seems to have something new up his sleeve. This year, to help celebrate 2011′s The Drug In Me Is You becoming gold-certified, Radke and Co. released an epic piano-lead version of their fan-favorite title track. The results? A majestic dream-like experience worth repeating over and over again.

If You Hurt Mother Earth One More Time We Swear You’re Dead Award 

In Hearts Wake - “Worldwide Suicide”

There’s been a lot of talk about global warming over the past few years. Recently, while we’ve all been stuck at home, skies have become clearer than ever as wild animals roam the barren streets. This is a dream come true for earth-friendly metalcore act In Hearts Wake. 

Now as some cities start to reopen, let us remind you: If you even think about going back to your wasteful, pollution-heavy ways, we and In Hearts Wake will come for you with the same force and brutality as heard on their newest track “Worldwide Suicide.” Watch your back.

Sure It’s Different But Still Kicks Ass Award

The Used - Heartwork

This isn’t The Used you knew in junior high. Bert McCrackin and Co. have returned with a fresh-faced 2020 LP that is sure to make you feel some type of way. Featuring guest appearances from members of Blink-182, FEVER 333 and Beartooth, The Used’s latest is a heavy-yet-dancy addition to their beloved-and-never-stale catalog.  

Better Not Sleep On This Record Award

Charmer - Ivy

Look, you literally have nothing but time on your hands. Why not spend it discovering new music from bands who deserve your attention? Seriously, turn off Love Is Blind and Too Hot To Handle and give Charmer’s moody 11-track release Ivy a try. You can thank us later.

Honorable Mention: Big Loser - Love You, Barely Living

Holy Shit We Can’t Believe That Just Happened Award

Dance Gavin Dance - “Calentamiento Global”

Four words we’ve all been thinking since Dance Gavin Dance dropped their highly anticipated album Afterburner: Tilian can speak Spanish!?

Giving the entire Swancore community a jaw-dropping moment with their new experimental track “Calentamiento Global,” in the song, DGD’s brawny frontman shows a little latin flavor with lyrics like “Te adoro, mi reina. Eres la única que veo.” Unsurprisingly, like most Dance Gavin Dance (or should we say Baile Gavin Baile) experiments, the post-hardcore act totally nailed it. 

The Back To Basics Award

The Amity Affliction - Everyone Loves You... Once You Leave Them

The Amity Affliction caught a lot of flack for their experimental 2018 release Misery. While entirely unwarranted as the metalcore vets were just looking to expand their sound, for their 2020 LP Everyone Loves You... Once You Leave Them, the Aussie outfit returned to form with their breakdown-heavy musicianship and brooding lyricism. Still have doubts? How about you give “All My Friends Are Dead” a spin or two.  

Skankin’ Pickle Award

Skatune Network - Ska Goes Emo, Vol. 1

Here’s a fun one. Adding to the list of things we never thought we’d see in 2020, go ahead and add a ska record covering some of your emo favs like My Chemical Romance, Paramore and Blink-182. Already known for his creative covers, Skatune Network really outdid himself this time around with his Ska Goes Emo LP. Who would have guessed you could skank so well to “I’m Not Okay (I Promise)?” 

The 2020 Glow-Up Award

The Word Alive - Monomania

The Word Alive has seen a lot of change over the course of their ten-year career. From 2010′s hard-hitting album Deceiver to this year’s impressive LP Monomania, the band has really grown into who they are today. For the first time, instead of putting out the music they’re expected to release, the Arizona act really stepped out of their comfort zone and dropped the music they wanted to make resulting in one of this year’s freshest and best so far.

Chocolate Covered Cranberries Award

Four Year Strong - Brain Games

For five long grueling years, we went without new music from easycore noisemakers Four Year Strong. This February, that all changed with the release of the band’s killer seventh studio album Brain Pain. Bringing the guitar-lead heaviness fans have come to love over the years along with their infectious pop-punk-leaning songwriting, Four Year Strong’s new record is the perfect balance of sour and sweet -- like chocolate covered cranberries! Who’s hungry?    

#Vans Warped Tour #Four Year Strong #The Word Alive #Skatune Network #The Amity Affliction #Dance Gavin Dance #Charmer #The Used #In Hearts Wake #Falling In Reverse #The Chats #All Time Low #Hot Mulligan #Polaris #Anti Flag #Anti-Flag #Spanish Love Songs #Rotting Out #Jarrod Alonge #Vermicide Violence #Enter Shikari #August Burns Red #Violent Soho #Loathe #Code Orange #A Day To Remember #The Ghost Inside #Silverstein #interview

[loquaciousquark]

Talks Machina Highlights - Critical Role C2E56 (March 26, 2019)

Gooooood evening, everyone. @eponymous-rose is taking a well-deserved break, so I’m stepping in to ruin reputations and botch direct quotations all over the place. Here to give us the appropriate gravitas and fear for the evening is the Chamber of Chairs:

Tonight’s guests: Liam O’Brien & Marisha Ray. Dani flips Liam off to start the show and it’s pretty funny. “What did I doooo?”

Tonight’s announcements: Last night was the season finale of Between the Sheets, featuring Ashly Burch, who is shockingly short in person. The VOD’s up for subscribers now, and it’ll be posted on YT tomorrow for everyone else. The Ashley Johnson episode will be up soon! Yay! Remember, no new episode of CR this week, and no new episode of TM next Tuesday as a result. Normal CR broadcasting resumes April 4. The Kickstarter hit $8 million today. Liam: “Oh boy oh boy oh boy it’s fine it’s fine IT’S FINE.” The final goal is $8.8m with 23 days to go, and a behind-the-scenes filming of the theme song was posted today on the KS. The video’s actually pretty cool & features Ashley in a feather boa!

Anyway! Episode 56: The Favor

CR Stats! This was the shortest episode of this campaign at 2h19m15s of gameplay. Only Shopping and Shipping from C1 was shorter. This episode tied for the fewest spells cast in one episode (six) and all were cast by Caleb. Over the 44 episodes & 136 days the M9 had the dodecahedron, they gained 25 fragments of possibility and actually utilized 13. 

Liam and Marisha talk about having a timer in the office: “It has been 27 days since the last Holy Fuck ending.”

None of them thought Matt was going to cut it off at that point, but when he explained he wanted Taliesin there for the next part, it made sense to all of them & they all agreed it was for the best.

Beau has four thousand thoughts racing through her head right now. One of them is excitement about getting to learn the Kryn more, but she’s also terrified. Henry interrupts with the most adorable baying howl and he walks offstage. What a good pupper.

Liam describes the moment as everyone frozen in amber as they wait for the next episode. Beau will figure out something to her advantage between now and then.

Marisha likens this moment to the Emon attack and the Lorenzo fight with Molly in terms of emotional shock. Brian remembers Sam was in a tux that night; Marisha: “I knew it was going to be a funeral tux.”

There’s another question about how Marisha/Beau feels about the dodeca handoff, and both Liam and Marisha start laughing about how this entire TM episode is just going to be about the ramifications of Caleb’s decision. Liam: “No regrets,” but he understands there’s going to be a lot of fallout. They talk about how the ramifications will depend on how public the Krynn make their gift: will it be parades in the streets, a handshake and dismissal from a private room, etc? What if there was a Dairon-type spy in the room who’ll tell people they don’t want to know about their actions? They’re eager and afraid to see the fallout.

Brian points out everyone could see on Travis’s face he would rather have gone to jail, but further discussion is derailed by questions.

The group had discussed the possibility of handing off the dodecahedron in the past, but he hadn’t considered ever handing it off until the last sixty seconds when “everything was going to shit. It was more mathematical than anything. It felt a lot like Avantika. We’ve got a plan, the plan’s broken, but we can get away, no, we can’t get away, now this is changing--I don’t want someone outside our group to control the situation if I can act first, if I can punch first. Everyone’s trying to negotiate and it’s failing, I don’t want to give up this thing either, I don’t want to die, I don’t want to die, here’s--this.” Caleb wanted to save the group. He wouldn’t have taken the gamble even two minutes earlier. Then, suddenly as it began to work, he & Caleb began realizing that not only did it work, but it worked very well and now his brain had split into two: “oh, thank God, I care about these people, I can save them,” and “how do I use this to my advantage.”

Caleb was quiet through most of this episode because he really wanted to discuss several things in private with other group members--that’s what he was thinking about for most of this.

Dani points out everyone expected physical travel between this fight & the audience with the queen where there would be downtime to discuss things. None of them expected immediate teleportation.

If Beau had been in a position to stop Caleb from giving up the beacon, she would not have stopped him.

Beau was wincing as Nott & Jester asked questions they should have already known the answers to. Liam points out it’s the war room in Dr. Strangelove--only the most powerful people would have been there. Beau dislikes authority but doesn’t think she’s stupid enough to have gotten herself seen as an obvious traitor.

Everyone revels in Matt’s Caduceus impression.

GIF of the Week: Liam pulling the dodeca out of the haversack by Will D. Brian singsongs “Travis is tilted~, Travis is tilted, look at his face~” over the GIF playing. Haaaaaahaha, poor Travis.

Liam: “I think I’m just in the shithouse.” Marisha: “You blew the shit whistle.”

Brief hilarious aside where they discuss Tetanus Terry (ft. on Travis Willingham’s YeeHaw Game Ranch) & Caleb Widogast getting fully replaced by Terry as a backup character if he gets assassinated.

On a scale of 1-10, Beau is following Dairon’s advice to a 7. She’s trying not to get attached, not to die, to listen, to not get impatient, to not be biased. She’s probably going to get closer to people than Dairon would suggest, but thinks she’s trying pretty hard.

It wasn’t cathartic for Caleb to renounce the Empire like this. His parents were very pro-Empire, and now that he’s on this journey to atone for his parents’ deaths, he’s done exactly the last thing his parents ever, ever wanted him to do--walked into the heart of the enemy and gave them everything they wanted. (Brian, Liam, & Dani briefly rag on Tumblr still having faint life somewhere. “Female-presenting nipples” comes up. It’s funny and also very sad.)

Brian discusses how it’s a big moment, but it’s not a victory for the group. Caleb was just shooting for a short-term immediate solution. Marisha: “It feels like a sitcom bait-and-switch. Nah, it’s cool, guys, we’re gonna pretend to be waiters and we’ll sneak into the kitchen,” but then they sneak into the kitchen and the cook laughs that the sous-chef is out today, and “now we’re in over our heads!”

Brian reveals dramatically that last night he came out as a supporter of Liam for President of D&D Beyond. Liam: “Beneath all the chicanery & hair product, there is common sense."

Liam & Marisha talk about the difference between Nott/Caleb’s original first podunk jail and this potential maximum security prison.

Caleb imagined the BDSM straps over his shirt and coat. Apparently most of the fanart generated this week has failed to include them. 

Both Marisha & Liam VEHEMENTLY agree they hated not being able to be main parts of the Brightqueen talks. They also talk about how they both are far better at CHA than Nott & Jester, though they point out in fairness that Matt’s told them he always adjusts the social DCs based on the arguments they make.

As far as the slavery part of the disguise, Marisha: “Marisha has laughed at every piece of fanart. Beau was surprised. Beau’s gonna have a talk.” She (Beau) felt they had discussed the costumes, the pretense--but not the bullying & active degradation her group put her through. It was huge, an eye-opening moment for Beau in a way she (Beau & Marisha) absolutely did not expect. She never thought they would abuse their status over her in that way.

They discuss how on a meta sense, they all knew that the scene was just Travis and Laura trolling them and having fun at their expense, but at the same time it’s still happening in game and will have in-game consequences. Marisha: “It’s like at a party where your good friend starts getting a little too drunk and starts making fun of you a little too much--it’s a little too real.”

That said, one of Marisha’s favorite fanarts from this week was Beau (as a table) swearing under her breath at Jester with her feet up. It’s an interesting juxtaposition.

Fanart of the Week: The Brightqueen by Nikki Dawes.

Beau does not feel she’s betrayed anyone by being present at this event. She knows where her allegiances lie, so just because this happened doesn’t mean it’s changed anything about what she believes. That said, she has no love for the Empire. She’s very personal with whom she cares about. She doesn’t have as much obvious disdain as Caleb does--she’s just more indifferent.

Caleb has a high CHA that he just doesn’t use anymore, because the people he knew with high CHA that used it did so to do bad things. Liam thinks when Caleb was young he was very gifted, charming, and attracted people to him; now it’s all gone. He can hold it together like a sandcastle by the tide for an hour, but in the end it always washes away.

On Nott speaking for the group: Marisha always likes hearing Sam talk. In some ways Marisha felt it was the same thing she used to get for Keyleth-- "why are you talking? You shouldn’t be talking. You shouldn’t be the talker.” Everyone should have their own voice, regardless of the scores on the page. “Your stats are there to influence the effects of what happens; they’re not the Bible. They’re not law.” She reminds us Vex once entered an arm-wrestling contest with a strength of 7.

How does Beau feel now that Caleb’s made another huge decision without consulting the rest of the M9 (i.e. Bowlgate)? It’ll play out in game. It’s a big deal. Liam admits he loves it. “The whole point is conflict resolution, so you need conflict.” He loves things like this, like the Astrid letter, because it opens opportunities to explore characters. In some ways it’s the same thing: they were in an impossible situation and Caleb sees it as protecting his friends, but that’s not how it read to anyone else. Marisha points out that once again he made himself the authority to make this huge decision without discussing it with anyone else in the group.

Marisha and Liam start talking about the decision more, decide it should wait for the game, but then keep talking despite themselves. Marisha points out that on top of his (once-again) unilateral decision, his speech was also framed selfishly (”I did this thing, I brought this back to you,”). To her, it still feels like the same thing with Caleb deciding things with major consequences for the rest of the group without their input, though she admits it’s colored by their (Beau’s & Caleb’s) history. Liam talks about how in the moment he was scared of deception checks, so he just tried to be as truthful as possible--nothing he said was false because he was only speaking for himself. He could not have spoken for the group & still been truthful. It’s a really interesting dichotomous discussion, both of them talking about what they felt in the moment versus how it came across to everyone else.

Liam feels it’s more like seeing someone dying in front of them & wasting time discussing whether they should do CPR or not, rather than him making decisions for the whole group. Marisha’s face obviously disagrees (so do I, ahaha). Liam also thought they were going to continue the episode & talk more, which would have kept it from being as much about him. This is gonna be super interesting when it actually plays out, for sure.

Once again, no new CR this Thursday or TM next Tuesday. Most of the rest of the programming will stay the same. This Tuesday’s Mame Drop will feature Max James of CR production fame.

We end on this eldritch horror:

"Weuuuh, Caleb knows best! Caleb will make the decisions for all of us in this D&D game!”

Aaand we’re out. Stay turnt.

#critical role #critical role spoilers #talks machina #talks machina spoilers #long post for ts

[disasterhumans]

I had a surprisingly strong reaction to Marisha's inclusion of "I Am Here," on her Beau playlist, so naturally I felt compelled to write a thousand words about it.

I open up my heart You can love me or not There's no such thing as sin Let it all come right in

Marisha chose this song as Beau's tribute and remembrance of Molly, and these opening lines certainly reflect something of Molly's general philosophy. As Taliesin has said, "There's a way of both not giving a fuck about what people think, but giving a fuck about people." Molly was always open with his affection, and generous with it. Beau, in contrast, closed herself off from the world as a coping mechanism. She realized just a little too late how much she actually appreciated Molly's openness. We tend to focus on Beau's resolve to "leave places better than she found them," after Molly's death, but I think her increased vulnerability, and willingness to be emotionally supportive (even when she hides it behind bravado) in recent episodes has also been a result of a shift in perspective prompted by Molly's death.

I wanna make some mistakes, I wanna sleep in the mud

We know from things both Marisha and Beau have said that Beau has internalized the idea that she's a "fuck up." The desire to "make some mistakes," is probably fraught for Beau. It's one way you could characterize her criminal past and her general rebelling against her father. But there's also a part of her that's always just a little bit terrified that she's going to prove everyone's worst suspicions about her correct. I think she wants the freedom to be able to fuck up sometimes without it meaning that she is a fuck up. That's something that's come up a few times in smaller moments (Twiggy: I don't really make the best decisions, Beau: I can relate; "Oh no! My actions affect other people!" from episode 45). Beau has been working hard to "leave every place better than she found it," but she's also been better at cutting herself some slack, and leaving herself room to make mistakes and learn in the process ("Having one transformative experience doesn't mean you're going to be better overnight. Being better is something you have to work at, I guess," from ep 36). She doesn't generally excoriate herself when she makes a mistake, but she'll acknowledge it and try to move forward from there. This has actually been true since before episode 26/7. Her whole "learning to be polite" thing with Fjord carried across several episodes, and included her 1) willingly deciding she needed to apologize to Caleb (even though Fjord didn't really think she needed to), and 2) knowing she would need help in the execution, and then asking for it. And while Beau's general demeanor hasn't changed, it's so apparent how much those "lessons," did really help with Beau's ability to interact with people. (I'm still not over the fact that Beau apologized roughly five times in episode 45, and all of them were genuine.)

I wanna swim in the flood, I wanna fuck til I'm done I like whiskey on ice, I like sun in my eyes 

These lines reflect something of both Molly's and Beau's approaches to life. Beau once told Jester and Caleb that all she wants to do is "make a ton of money and drink a lot of booze, “ (ep 11). But where Molly's hedonism was in some part due to a "life is short," mentality, Beau's pursuit of happiness and simple pleasures has something of a desperate edge to it. (As Marisha puts it: "She has never had an extended moment of happiness her whole life, and she's still searching for it.")

It's also worth noting here that one of the ways Beau chose to honor Molly's memory was to have a lot of sex. Learning how to “open up [her] heart,” in order to truly appreciating the joy of living in the world is just as important a thing for Beau to be striving for as her dedication to leaving places better than she found them. While it’s true that the two times Beau has (canonically) had sex didn’t really involve emotional connection (debatable in regards to Keg, though), I think they still represented her trying to break down some of her walls. Would Beau have felt compelled enough to proposition Keg if Molly hadn’t passed? I don’t think there’s a way to know the answer to that question, but it certainly seemed to factor into her decision in the moment.

I wanna burn it all down, so let's start a fire I wanna be lost, so lost that I'm found Naked and laughing with my blood on the ground

Much as Beau claims to have no real goals or motivations, she's clearly ready to fuck shit up and tear shit down when presented the opportunity. She has an almost knee-jerk opposition to authority in any and all forms (except maybe Fjord's captaining). It's one of the things that draws her to Dairon and the Expositors. I think it's part of what motivated her to help the Knights of Requital (even if she was also significantly motivated by money), and it's what made her such a terrifying (if somewhat unexpected) adversary to Avantika. Just because Beau is trying to commit herself to putting good into the world doesn't mean it's not going to come with a fair amount of chaos and destruction (e.g. freeing the Marid).

I am here, I am here I've already seen the bottom, so there's nothing to fear I know that I'll be ready when the devil is near I am here, I am here All of this wrong, but I'm still right here

I love that the song Marisha chose for Beau's memory of Molly is so much about being present in the face of tragedy. "I am here," can mean so many things. It can be a declaration of presence, or of defiance and resolve ("all of the this wrong, but I'm still right here"). For Beau, there may even be some survivor's guilt mixed in. She's still "here" when Molly isn't, because he was trying to protect her. What are the chances even a small part of her believes she doesn't deserve to be here?

Regardless, one thing remains: the worst has happened, but Beauregard is made of tenacity. Murder and kidnap her friends and she'll all but kill you with her bare hands. Beau may not be caring or soft in traditional ways, but she's fiercely protective of her friends and committed to keeping them safe.

I don't have the answers but the question is clear Let me ask you Where does everybody go when they go? 

In Marisha's write-up for this song, she writes, "[this was Beau's] first real lesson that in this world and in this life that they're living, if you hold onto something that you want to say to someone, you might lose the opportunity forever, at any moment." This leads me to believe that this is the first time Beau has really had to grapple with the death of someone close to her. Even if Beau intellectually understands what death "is," actually wrestling with the knowledge that someone is just gone is a lot to process. I'm honestly not sure whether this would be easier or harder to grapple with in a world where there's proof of gods and an afterlife. I would imagine that people still wonder "where do you go when you die," and I don't think those answers would feel any clearer even if they factually exist.

May the light be upon me May I feel in my bones that I am enough I can make anywhere home

"My I feel in my bones that I am enough," is one of the lines that prompted me to write this post to begin with. I kept wanting to pick a favorite bit of the song before realizing how well all of it fits Beau. But this line, specifically, breaks my heart precisely because we know that Beau doesn't think she's enough. In fact, she often seems to be afraid of the very prospect--she feels compelled to couch her good intentions and kind gestures in self-effacing bravado and deprecation. She so desperately wants to be "enough," but is so used to being too much, or too abrasive for others that she has a tendency to put up walls to mask how much she seeks validation. The Mighty Nein--and Fjord and Jester in particular--were the first people to see past that and accept it. Fjord and Jester are also particularly good at seeing past her tough exterior in her more genuine moments (e.g. Fjord recognizing when Beau's actually being nice, even when it comes across as sarcastic; or Jester understanding what Beau is offering when she tries to downplay her ability to be a 'best friend,' in episode 46). Of the Mighty Nein, Beau has the fewest emotional ties to a given "home," (with the possible exception of Fjord), and has clearly decided that the Mighty Nein--wherever they are, and wherever they might go--are her home.

I can think of one thousand places much worse than this

And who wants to bet that even in their scariest moments, everything she's encountered with the Mighty Nein is still vastly better than where she started out?

#critical role #beauregard #cr playlist #cr meta #i realize this is like a month overdue #but as it turns out the holidays are pretty overwhelming when you work in retail #and i didn't have the time to write as much as i wanted to during the break #((love realizing hours after posting this that i mispelled the cr tag))

[earthtoerica]

The Mighty Nein: Enneagram

So this is a post I didn’t think I would be making, but because I am a big fan of Sleeping At Last’s songs centered around the Enneagram Test, and I love Critical Role, I thought why not combine the two and see which member of the Mighty Nein resonates the most with each song. ( And if you haven’t listened to Sleeping at Last before you absolutely should because their music is so calming and thought-provoking!)

Has this been done before? Perhaps, but I haven’t seen it and thought I’d try my take on it. Here goes nothing!

The List:

One- Beau

Two- Nott

Three- Fjord

Four- Caleb

Five- NPCs + Guest’s Characters

Six- Caduceus

Seven- Jester

Eight- Yasha

Nine- Molly

And here’s why:

One - Beau: “hold on for a minute because I believe that we can fix this over time” “The list goes on forever, with the ways I could be better in my mind” “As if I could earn God’s favor over time, or at least congratulations.”

 In times of desperation, Beau will often if not always step up to steer the M9 in the right direction. Though she may push down her emotions to make sure the group can keep going, she appears to have the mindset that anything can be fixed given enough time, or at least changed for the better. That being said, she has stated herself that she thinks she is an asshole, someone who could always improve for the better given the bad things she has done in the past and the fact that she considers herself to be a screw up. But in reality, she is one of the most selfless members of the Mighty Nein, risking life and limb to keep the people she loves safe. 

I also think this song relates to Beau the most because she is often questioning her purpose and why she is unworthy of divine support or special abilities. She wonders why she is the only one without powers, striving to earn the favor of the gods, but unsure of what that really means. I hope that over time Beau will come to realize her strength and abilities as a monk and her loyalty and love as a person are what make her special, and that she is as worthy of divine support as anyone else.

Two - Nott: “You know I’ll take my heart clean apart if it helps yours beat” “I know exactly how the rule goes, put my mask on first. No I don’t want to talk about myself tell me where it hurts” “I just want to build you up, build you up, till you’re good as new, and maybe one day I will get around, to fixing myself too.”

When I first thought about making a post like this, I knew immediately that to me Nott resonated completely with the song Two. Choosing to put herself in the line of fire for her loved ones no matter what that might mean for her safety, because as long as the others are safe that is all the matters to her. I mean, literally the line about putting on a mask made me think of Nott automatically, whether it be her doll’s mask or a metaphorical one, to keep others out and her own feelings in. Before we knew about Nott’s backstory she would always deflect away from talking about herself to make sure the people around her were okay. 

And that is what I think is a major part of Nott’s character and something that makes me resonate her so easily with this song. That Nott is unwilling to address her own problems and emotions because they are too confusing, conflicting and stressful, so she would rather check in with the other members of the Mighty Nein, to help fix their problems and help them to achieve their goals like she has promised to do for Caleb, believing that maybe one day down the line after helping the others she may finally conquer her own problems as well.

Three - Fjord: “Maybe I’ve done enough, finally catching up, for the first time I see an image of my brokenness utterly worthy of love” “I finally see myself, unabridged and overwhelmed, a mess of a story I’m ashamed to tell, but I’m slowly learning how to break this spell” “I only want what’s real, I set aside the highlight reel, and leave my greatest failures on display with an asterisk, worthy of love anyway.”

Fjord is such an interesting character to me, and someone that I really hope can come to accept himself for who he is, and understand that the rest of the Mighty Nein love and respect him, his role in the group cemented. After recent events in these past few episodes, Fjord is on his way to knowing that the M9 truly care about him, willing to risk their lives to come back for him just like they did with the Iron Shepherds. Fjord is starting to realize that he is important to these people, and that they care about him just as much as he cares about them, something he has never experienced before. For the first time in his life, Fjord is experiencing what it is like to have a family, people that want to help you succeed and accept you despite your failures.

 Though he struggles with sharing the parts of his past he is ashamed of, Fjord has even stated to Caleb that given time, he will share these things he dislikes about himself, allowing support and forgiveness in. He is on his way to understanding that no matter his shortcomings, what his patron may say or do, the Mighty Nein care about him and would never consider him useless, for he means to much to them, something he may one day come to recognize and use as a source of strength, Go Fjord!

Four - Caleb: “Bodies fashioned out of dirt and dust for a moment we get to be glorious” “Maybe I’m hiding behind metaphor, maybe my heart needs to break to be sure, one day I’ll wear it all on my sleeve, the insignificant with the sacred unique” “What if we already are, who we’ve been dying to become, in certain light I can plainly see, a reflection of magnificence hidden in you, maybe even in me.”

Caleb is such a hard character to determine where his character arc is going to go. All I can speak on is where he appears to be now. I think this song is reflective of Caleb for several reasons. He himself was fashioned out of dirt and dust, chosen to come from a small town to the Soltryce Academy to be a wizard because he had special magic abilities. Though that experience was harrowing and lead him to tragedy, in that time he came to recognize that he was remarkable and considered special at a young age for everything he could do. But after the events of his past that he would give anything to change, he has closed himself off to others, only recently opening up due to necessity and the desire to help Nott. 

Perhaps he will someday be completely open with all members of the Mighty Nein, discussing anything and everything about himself and what he wants to further achieve his goals. Even Beau has commented on his ability to ask for help after he started opening up, questioning him on how it could be so easy and he said it just is. He has recognized how easy it can be to rely on others but worries that in doing so he is putting the ones he cares about in danger and straying farther away from what he truly wants. And that has been stated to be one of Caleb’s biggest fears, that as he and the M9 grow as people, doing good for the people around them as much as possible and trying to leave places better than they found them, that he might one day feel like he can’t do what he has been working so hard to achieve because he cares about these people too much. That he might come to see himself in a better light as someone that can move forward and let go of the past, something he currently could never do. We will definitely see what will happen to dear Caleb Widowgast, but I’m excited to find out!

Five - NPCs + Guest Characters: “It feels like an out of body experience, but something gets lost from a safe distance and now I can’t put my mind to rest and I can’t help but second guess” “I’m hypnotized by this anomaly, such strange uncharted territory” “My armor falls apart, as if I could let myself be seen, even deeply known, like I was already brave enough to let go.”

It was really difficult for me to determine who related the most heavily to Five. And after a lot of thought and consideration I realized that even though in total there are and always will be eight members of the Mighty Nein, the ninth member is made up of everyone that has not only helped the M9 throughout their journeys, but also everyone that the Mighty Nein has helped as well. Thus I related Five to the many NPCs Matt has created and the wonderful guest characters like Keg, Nila, Shakaste, Twiggy, Calianna, and even Spurt. Meeting the Mighty Nein and dealing with their crazy antics and ideas can be an almost out of body experience, trying to fit oneself into their exhilarating lifestyle might seem almost impossible. Their vibrant and excitable atmosphere would make anyone question how qualified the M9 are for any job, but their determined attitude and desire to do good for others would draw anyone in to help or seek help from them as well. 

The line about letting oneself be seen in this song I think relates heavily to these characters because they are created to be interacted with, to learn something from them, or to be of aid to the M9 in their travels. But when the Mighty Nein take that extra step to learn more about a shopkeeper, to assist someone in need on the street, or to gain the assistance of a fellow traveler to achieve their goals, they are taking the time to learn about a stranger, to understand them on a personal level, treating them as if they already are a part of the M9 in many cases, which is something I love about this rag tag group of adventurers. And something that any NPC would love to, as long as the M9 aren't too nosy. 

Six - Caduceus: “What would it feel like to put this baggage down, if I’m being honest I’m not sure I know how” “I want to believe, no I choose to believe, that I was made to become a sanctuary. Fear won’t go away, but I can keep it at bay” “Is that courage or faith to show up everyday, trust that there will be light always waiting behind even the darkest of nights, and no matter what somehow we’ll be okay.” 

The fact that we know next to nothing about Caduceus destroys me a bit more each day until we do, but he is such a wonderful character and so important to maintaining hope in the Mighty Nein, but also keeping their sanity. I don’t think it’s that Caduceus is unwilling to share his past with the Mighty Nein, I believe it’s primarily because no one ever really asks him about himself, and he doesn’t have experience in people choosing to ask him how he is instead of the other way around. It had been said that Caduceus would tell people almost anything if they simply asked, but most people are more focused on their own problems than the problems of others. Caduceus is someone who works to keep the peace, to drive people towards their destinies and to prove that hope and purpose can be found even in the darkest of moments. 

He is a sanctuary for the members of the Mighty Nein, someone they can turn to who will speak without judgement, providing honest advice and ideas about what might be the next step to furthering one’s path, while continually promising that all things and people have purpose. At first Caduceus was hesitant to continue traveling with the Mighty Nein, as their choices and actions did not align well with Caduceus’ goals to save his home. But over time, and with continued faith in the Wildmother showing him his path, Caduceus is willing to get up everyday and support the people he cares about, pushing himself further and further towards his goals no matter the obstacle.

Seven - Jester: “How wonderful, to see a smile on your face, it costs farewell tears for a welcome-home parade. A secret handshake and my one life, I find a silver lining no matter what the price” “Let me tell you another secret of the trade, it feels like sinking when I’m standing in one place” “I want to be here, truly be here, to watch the ones that I love bloom, and I want to make room to love them through and through and through and through the slow and barren seasons too. I feel hope, deep in my bones, that tomorrow will be beautiful.”

In my eyes, Jester is one of the strongest members of the Mighty Nein. Whether you think of it as strong as in strength, emotionally, or what have you, she always sees the best in people, constantly working to make the people she loves and anyone she can smile and feel better no matter how much she may be hurting inside. And though it hurt her to have to leave her mother in Nicodranas to go see the world, she knows that in doing so she can always return, to receive a hug, to tell stories, and to show love to her mother and be loved in return. However, despite the circumstances that led to Jester having to leave her home and travel, it was inevitably time for her to face the world. She had spent so much of her life stuck up in her bedroom to not have the opportunity to experience anything and everything possible. 

That is why I relate the line “it feels like sinking when I’m standing in one place” to Jester because she is always excited to travel to new places with her friends, to have more adventures to tell her mother about and provide her with more opportunities to search for her father in the process. (Still waiting for that interaction if it ever happens by the way). What I admire the most about Jester and what is so strong about her character is her undying love and faith in her companions. She wants nothing more than to help the people she loves and to make them happy. She wants the M9 to be able to let go of the problems of their past or to face them head on so that they can grow and live their lives to the fullest with all the time they have. She believes so strongly in the people around her, in the Traveler, and in what they can do to help others that she knows no matter the strife, no matter what challenges they face, things can always be better tomorrow, as long as they stick together and face the world with a smile and hope. 

Eight - Yasha: “Now you won’t see all that I have to lose, and all that I’ve lost in the fight to protect it. I won't let you in, I swore never again, I can't afford no I refuse to be rejected” “I want to break these bones till they are better, I want to break them right and feel alive you were wrong, you were wrong, you were wrong my healing needed more than time” “I’m standing guard, I’m falling apart, and all I want is to trust you. Show me how, to lay my sword down for long enough to let you through.”

Talking about Yasha hurts my heart, but when I heard this song I thought of her automatically. Time and time again in the process of trying to protect the ones she loves, all she has done is lose them. After the second time she has not been the same, weary of letting people get close for fear of hurting them because of who she is and all she doesn’t know about herself. For her, it takes more than time to heal wounds, it takes understanding and forgiveness she does not believe she deserves but she truly needs. Despite the awkward, slightly off-putting demeanor she may present to others, Yasha cares about the Mighty Nein more than she would like, and wants nothing more than to protect them from any and all danger, and from herself. 

She wants to let people in, which is why she shared as much as she did about her past and her wife. We have seen how emotional it makes her to hear that the M9 love her and want her to be safe. But Yasha needs answers, about who she is, who she was, why the Stormlord chose her, and what her future path might look like. Though she loves the Mighty Nein and wants to be with them and help on their journeys, the fear of losing them may lead to dire situations and the possibility that in finding the answers she seeks she may be separating herself further and further from the ones she cares about the most. (Yasha I love you all I can say is oof).

Nine (nein) - Molly: “Who am I to say what any of this means, I have been sleepwalking since I was fourteen. Now as I write my song, I retrace my steps, honestly its easier to let myself forget” “It looks like empathy to understand all sides, but I'm just trying to find myself through someone else’s eyes. So show me what to do, to restart this heart of mine, how do I forgive myself for losing so much time?” “A little at a time, I feel more alive, I let the scale tip and feel all of it, it’s uncomfortable but right, and we were born to try to see each other through, to know and love ourselves and others well is the most difficult and meaningful work we’ll ever do.”

I mean really, there was no other way to close this out. (Spoilers ahead, kids, because you never know how far someone has seen). Considered the most short-lived, and one of the most impactful members of the Mighty Nein, Mollymauk was someone I always wanted to know more about, but never got the chance. When Molly dug himself out of the ground he did not want to know whose name was attached to his body before, because sometimes it’s easier to forget to make it your own. This is evidently clear by the many tattoos that covered his body, and the fact that he openly stated that this body was his and his alone. No one else is in control of it, he makes the decisions, and no one else can have a say in who he is and who he will be. Though he may have been stern and cold towards others at times, he always looked at all sides of a problem or conflict, and used all information available to make an opinion on what was right and just, one of his many famous lines being “we only steal from grumpy people”. Molly was always confident in who he was, but there were things he was missing because he didn't have a past to look back on. I just wish he could have had the time to find out. 

The final lines of the song are what I relate so strongly to Molly, that “to know and love ourselves and others well is the most difficult and meaningful work we’ll ever do” feels almost like his motto and the strongest impact his life and death had on the Mighty Nein. After his passing it became Beau’s personal mission, and a mission she pushed onto the Mighty Nein, to leave every place they visit better than they found it, something Molly instilled on her that had a lasting impact. So far, the Mighty Nein have been somewhat successful in fulfilling this goal, but it continues to be a driving force in everything they do, working to help others and make the world a better place for all those who inhabit it and those they have lost in the journey to make it a reality. Thank you for having been such a driving force in bringing the Mighty Nein together Molly, you were right, they really were a group of people in need of a good time and you gave it to them. Rest well.

So that’s everything! I’m sorry this was such a long post but I’ve been thinking about it for so long and I love Critical Role and its characters so much that I felt it was time to share my thoughts on why I relate the Mighty Nein so much to these songs. As I’ve said, if you haven’t I highly suggest checking out Sleeping at Last, they are fantastic and their songs are just as impactful and meaningful as the Mighty Nein themselves! 

Thank you for taking the time to read this, and here’s to another wonderful Thursday. Remember, don't forget to love each other!

#Critical Role #the mighty nein #cr spoilers #sleeping at last #enneagram

[captainkappa]

Fanfic:: Health to the Company

So you may be correct in pointing out that I haven’t watched Crit Role season 2 since ep 11 due to not having a lot of time/overwhelmed BUT that hasn’t stopped me from writing fanfic before. But, just know that before diving in

Kind of a continuation of this fic by teammompike. It looks like I copied someones shippier tags, but I forget who I found them from sorry ^^; I do suggest reading it, but you do not need to in order to understand mine. 

A last night conversation by the fire and some folk songs.

Pre-slash Fjord/Caleb 

AO3

-=-=-

Even with Fjord teaching the Mighty Nein sea shanties to pass the time traveling, the trip does not, in fact, turn shorter. They are about where they expected to be as the sun starts to set and they veer slightly off the road to set up camp for the night. They tie up the horses, strike up a camp fire, and lay out bedrolls all with a song in their heart, occasionally humming as they do so.

“Man, we are a sickeningly happy bunch tonight, huh?” Beau comments, which gets her a playful shove on the shoulder from Fjord.

The rest of the evening passes uneventfully. Rations are passed out and ate and lots are drawn for night watch; Caleb, Nott, then Jester.

And with a short conversation about how long they expect to be traveling tomorrow, the group turns down for bed.

Fjord is barely fast asleep when he hears soft whistling. Fearing the worst, he cracks open one eye, laying perfectly still, to see if he can see the would-be party crasher.

But there are just trees, the slowly dimming campfire, and Caleb stringing up his alarm spell, whistling and occasionally breaking up the whistling with muttered singing. From this distance he can’t make out the exact lyrics, but they don’t sound like they’re in Common.

Caleb turns to start a new side and stops in his tracks, eyes on Fjord, song dying on his lips.

“Sorry for waking you up,” Caleb says, quietly, shoulders raising a touch.

Fjord sits up, leaning on an elbow and rubs his eyes, “No, no, it’s fine. Don’t let me interrupt your work. I wasn’t that sleepy yet really.”

Caleb nods and goes to stringing the other sides of camp as Fjord rubs his eyes. They’re screaming for him to shut them, for sleep, but Fjord’s interest is piqued.

He gets out of his bedroll, stretching as he finds a seat by the fire. It’s half the size it was when they first made it, but there’s no point in stoking it at this point.

“You seemed to really like the song we sang earlier,” Fjord says. His eyes are on his fingers, but he glances up at Caleb for a reaction.

“Hmm?” Caleb raises his head, but doesn’t look toward him. “It was nice.”

“I’d almost say you knew a few shanties yourself,” he says,

For Caleb’s credit, he doesn’t stop his work on the spell, finishing up the final side of camp. “Shanties? No, I do not hang around boats often.”

“Noted, but that song you were whistling, it sounded more like a shanty than a song you’d hear at a theater in town.”

Caleb pauses to recite the spell for the alarm, hands outstretched, eyes momentarily alight as he speaks words Fjord doesn’t understand. The wire gleams brightly for a moment before vanishing. Fjord can feel his face grow warmer for a moment, but he blames the dying fire.

He turns back to Fjord, “And?”

“Could you sing a bit?” As the words leave Fjord’s mouth, he regrets them. Was that too forward? Would his question close Caleb off more? What was he hoping to get out of this conversation?

But before he can take anything back, Caleb sits across the fire as he slowly starts singing, the tune familiar to what he whistled before, now he sang in Common. The song is slow, which doesn’t lend well to Caleb’s version of the song. His eyes are screwed shut as he stutters and trips over his words.

It didn’t take long for Fjord to figure out what he’s doing.

“Sorry, sorry,” he says, interrupting, “but um, you can sing it properly, if you want.”

Caleb opens his eyes, “What do you mean?���

“Well, it… it sounds like you’re translating on the spot and I- I doubt you were singing in the original language.”

Caleb pauses for a moment, staring into the fire a moment. “You… are correct.”

“So… I’m saying you can sing it the way it was intended.”

“But you don’t speak Zemnian.”

Fjord lets out a soft chuckle. “I’ll live not knowing the meaning to the song.”

Caleb looks at him a moment before singing again in Zemnian. The rest of their surroundings melt away as he sings. It flows better and Caleb’s shoulders drop as he sings. His voice is rough after a long day and can’t exactly make the higher notes, but Fjord can still hear the emotion in Caleb’s voice as he sings what Fjord can only assume is a sorrowful song form the tone. The fire flickers and illuminates Caleb’s face, bathing him in a soft glow.

Caleb reaches the final line and Fjord blinks, suddenly very aware of how that song made his heart feel lighter and his whole body feel calmer as he comes back to Exandria.

He runs a hand through his hair. “Well, damn, that was way better than my ol’ songs.”

Caleb looks away. “You cannot compare the two.”

“Maybe, but I’ve only heard one of your songs and I’m pretty won over.”

“And I have only heard one sea shanty, but I like your songs as well.”

With the light feeling gone, the weariness bears down on his bones, but Fjord still finds himself saying, “Do you want to hear another one?”

Caleb looks up at that. “You would not exactly have the chorus you had in the cart.”

“That’s fine, some shanties work fine sung alone.”

“Then go ahead.”

Fjord smiles as he sings of drinking to the health of the ship’s crew, wishing they’d eventually see each other again even if the odds are against them. Usually he hears the song sung loud and fast in taverns on the coast, but tonight he sings it slower. He doesn’t dare look at Caleb, instead looking at the sleeping forms of the people he’s started to accept as friends.

The song finishes and finally, he risks a glance at Caleb. His face is slightly flushed, probably from the fire as he softly claps.

Fjord smiles, feeling an encroaching heat on his cheeks. “You’re too kind.”

“No, it is well deserved.”

A silence that isn’t exactly awkward but isn’t exactly welcomed passes over the two, with just the dimming fire between them.

Caleb suddenly stands up and says, “You should sleep. Long day tomorrow.”

Fjord’s body is crying out for sleep and so he finally relents, standing up and stretching once more. “Mmm, you’re right. Night Caleb.”

“Night.” Caleb turns to properly start his night watch, but before he does so, Fjord catches a lingering blush on Caleb’s cheeks.

He’s not sure how to process this as he lays down in his bedroll and closes his eyes.

There are a few minutes of silence, just the sounds of the forest and the soft crunching of Caleb moving around camp. After a moment, however, he starts singing in Zemnian again, a different song and Fjord feels his heart feel lighter again.

It takes Fjord a while to fall asleep that night.

#caleb/fjord #widofjord #fjordgast #the mighty nein #fjord/caleb #crit role fic #critical role fic #critical role #crit role #my fanfic #kappa writes #will this even show up in any tags? who knows #but im too set in my ways to not link to my AO3 page #and the inspiration fic needs credit

[sheusedtobesassier]

Day 10,411

That one night in the Maintenance Shop. Alone together without turning any lights on. I don't remember what I was going on about but your reaction was to press your forehead into my shoulder and mumble, "I feel like you're saying you're never going to need me."

Mm. The evening we were sitting in the Lodge after dinner and Amber genuinely asked what your plans were for the winter. You expressed your uncertainty and did it in a way I thought came across pretty careless and rude. Your response set me off so I promptly stomped up to my office. You called to me on the stairs, "Hey you okay?" I said I wasn't and kept walking. I was very suddenly super not okay actually. I left my lights off and put on a Jane Goodall documentary hoping it would help. I was rapidly reaching an uncontrollable distressed state and was eager to come back down. It took some time but eventually you knocked and quietly entered. You sat waiting for me to explain for a good while as I just fidgeted uncomfortably at my desk. I couldn't speak. Physically. I'm not kidding. Then you left. I think a couple hours passed and cooled me off enough to ask if you'd come back up so we could talk. For whatever reason we had the conversation in Jeremy's office. This was the night you told me that you were probably leaving camp soon, expressed it as some extremely high percentage. (Timeline-wise, this was more than a year prior to your actual departure. You were kind of always ready to leave though, huh?) This was also the night we discussed how neither of us were really believers in the concept of long distance relationships. We momentarily imagined what it would be like to break up while we were both still on staff/still living on the campgrounds. If I remember correctly, I think it was you that said that perhaps we should just "pull the parachute now before we crash full speed into the ground." I do not remember how this discussion wrapped up. I really wish that I could.

There was a big one very near the end. It was a day off and we spent a majority of it apart. You were staying put in your little prayer chapel, drinking beer and playing Fortnite with your buddies. You came by around 5 o'clock and you were clearly in a certain kind of mood, lol. We fooled around, but not much. It started getting weird when you very suddenly fell asleep haha. You took a little nap but I was seriously hungry. I shook you so we could go grab dinner somewhere. You woke up pretty far gone and I was pretty amused. Things turned pretty suddenly. You were staring at your open palms looking wildly distraught. When I inquired you quickly burst into tears. (I rarely saw you cry.) You kept apologizing and at first I thought it was because you felt bad for getting drunk. But then you started rambling about how you were going to go. You weren't making any sense. And I think you kept saying I was mad at you? I was baby talking you, running my hands through your hair, telling you to settle down and that it was okay. But I was honestly getting frustrated. It felt like you had found a way to express the heavy things you needed to, but because you were drunk you could say your side without having to listen to mine. It wasn't fair. I felt tricked. Uh. We went to Culver's. Lol. It was like a half hour drive and by the time we got there you'd come down some. We sat outside to eat and I remember being pretty cold to you. You were embarrassed I think. Apologetic for the breakdown. I was confused and hurt. On the drive back I played a bittersweet Noah Gundersen album loud enough to keep any conversation from happening. I hoped you were listening but you probably weren't haha. You never seemed to like music I liked. Um. By the time we got back I was all bristles and thorns. Angry. Which. Look it's how I felt. It was not a wise or helpful feeling. But. It was what I was. You tried to smooth things over but I like, I couldn't even let you touch me. I sat myself on the ground in my bedroom doorway and closed up. I told you to leave and you did. I tried to go to bed but I couldn't come off it. Txted you an apology for not handling it softer. You responded with an apology for being "so lost." I think I ended up going over and crawling in your bed. Yeah I decided to quit making it about me and let it be about you. Considered it more important/beautiful to be with you in your lostness than to focus on my own hurt feelings. Which. I was right. Putting your emotions before mine was unnatural for me, but I truly attempted to learn to do it for your sake. I wanted to get better at it. I tried.

The night I watched that outrageous sunset as a storm was coming in and it thoroughly disturbed me. There was a prayer gathering that night in the staff lounge. The choose your own adventure kind. Prompts provided in a slideshow and worship music playing on the big speakers. Public privacy. I was unsettled and trying to write about it. Impostor bullshit. Feeling like I was living a life I had no desire to participate in. That all the wildest good things I wanted were out of reach because I'd chosen the wrong choices too long ago. I was stretched out on a couch while you and some buddies were sat on the floor with your backs against it. You guys were not into the scene, whispering a lot and goofing off. I was mildly annoyed that high schoolers could use you as an excuse for bad behavior and that took me in an ugly direction. I think I still have the aggravation paragraph I wrote out that night. I just was suddenly so utterly convinced that you didn't actually want me and/or didn't want to understand me. I was not important to you. I knew it. I don't know why I latched onto it so hard but I did. Ruthlessly. I went home and the later it got the more rigid I got and fucked up I felt. The rain and lightning and thunder started coming in hot. A late summer thunderstorm. I had followed the rules and stayed out of your bed for a couple months, but that night I was unraveling. Close to midnight I walked over to your front door and completely coming apart. You let me in, surprised but not that surprised. I was silent. Crawled right into your bed. You asked if I was okay and offered me some kombucha. I said no to both and returned to silence. You were up playing Fortnite and returned to it. I laid there needing to be touched. I listened to the rain and told myself to appreciate the feeling of being something in your room because it wasn't going to last. My head was a fucking swarm of bee sting thoughts that night and I don't think you had any idea. After maybe fifteen minutes you logged out and turned your lights off. You got in the bed and reached for me and I pulled the fuck away. You were concerned but you were never one to push. You closed your eyes. I was all stiff, all fury. I sat up suddenly. You pulled a shirt on and turned a lamp on then sleepy eyes asked what was wrong. And yeah, I fucking rambled. Went for it. Couldn't stop. I remember saying that you didn't understand how hard it was. How I was constantly trying to figure out if you had already made up your mind to leave me. How there were always signs of it. You calmly but firmly stated that you would tell me if that was true and that for now you were still here. You didn't offer any comfort or reassurance. Which. I don't say that as a bad thing. You would of been lying if you told me I didn't have any reason to be upset. The little you said confirmed that my insecurities were valid. I couldn't shut up and nothing coming out of my mouth was helpful at all. I needed you to offer hope and you just wouldn't. I abruptly had to leave. Had to. I stumbled getting out of your bed, knocking into the lamp, I was hurrying to get out of there. You offered a jacket since it was raining hard. I was out the door before I said no. Sobbed the short walk to my apartment. Gasped for air while I wrote to my sister about how I just didn't know how to get you to want to keep me. I went to sleep and you went to sleep. Um. Then. I think four days passed in which we did not speak. Uhhhh. Yeah this part of the story is fucked up. I kept waiting and hoping you would initiate repair. Like I said above, I was deep down believing you didn't want me and hoped your response to the circumstances might prove otherwise. Mm. But. No proof came. Days and nights kept passing. We both kept doing what we were supposed to do. Smiles on our faces as we low key completely shut each other out. Eventually I went on a long drive and listened to a tragic song that made my stubborn heart feel softer. When I got home I asked if you would come over. Which. I hate that I broke first. Why the fuck didn't you try to fix things sooner? Um. We sat on my couch and I guess made up?? I don't remember if I was clear and/or if you were. I do remember you saying you thought maybe I'd broken up with you and that we were handling it maturely. Which. Again. What the actual fuck Omar? What. The. Fuck. Somehow that talk went from expressing serious pain on my couch to slow kissing in the shower. I don't understand. I can't explain. Whatever.

There was also the night I kept telling you to leave and you wouldn't. There was the time in my bed when you told me your best case scenario and I told you I probably wouldn't be able to play my part in it. There was you laughing at/bothered by what Caleb and Hunter had said to you on my behalf. There was the way we each reacted when you told me you were considering sticking around in the fall while we stood in line at B&B's. There was the time I fell apart because I thought you left without telling me goodbye. There are more that won't come to mind now but do come to mind lots of other nights.

I think you almost always wanted to go. I think with my words/head I was constantly trying to offer you an easy out, but with my emotions/heart I was making leaving seem impossible.

#personal

[pickupthepen]

The Burn

When I got sober in 2015, I had no idea of the spiritual journey that I was about to embark on. Now, don’t get me wrong, I still haven’t reached even the beginnings of spiritual enlightenment, and I’m aware, but when I decided to give up drugs and alcohol, I had little to no spiritual curiosity, I didn’t believe in any sort of higher power of the universe, and I drank myself in and out of depression and oblivion every day. When I had been sober for a year, my whole work had already changed. I was meditating daily, I was attending Dharma talks and wearing mala beads that I twisted between my fingers when work days were stressful, and I felt freer than I ever had before. So naturally, when my friend, Stacy, told me about Burning Man a few months later, and told me I had to come, my judgement and reluctance faded into a childlike curiosity. 

I read an article on a burner website before we left and I desperately didn’t want my burn to be “that" burn. She hated it. She was over it. She realized out in the playa that her glory days at Burning Man were over, and she never wanted to go back. I didn’t want my experience to be like hers. I wanted to love it. I wanted to learn a lot about myself. I was afraid of what I might find. I was hopeful about certain things, and I was reluctant about others. I had expectations.

This chapter was supposed to be about all the fantastic experiences, about the humanity, about finding the God that I doubted, and maybe about standing out in the Playa alone, under the temple, looking up into the sky and feeling connected- a part of something.

I didn’t get that.

A tension hung in the air before I even left. I wanted to get out there as soon as I could- fuck the planning. My emotions had already been completely exhausted by the drama of trying to wrangle fifteen alcoholics into scheduling a life or death trip without killing each other first. There were tears before we even left San Francisco. Some of our cohort screamed accusations in Tahoe when we missed an exit (even though we didn’t miss the exit). One friend didn’t realize she had forgotten her early arrival pass until we were a few miles from Black Rock City and we had to drive back into town to print it before the local post office closed. And as soon as we arrived, in the warm night, the fighting, turned to passive aggression, turned to blatant coldness among our group began immediately.

Then, the heat. My girlfriend and I spent the majority of the trip making sure we didn’t stroke or faint from the 110 degree weather. We stopped every few streets for water breaks and spent mornings in the blistering sun to get ice for our food so it wouldn’t spoil. We slept in a tent that baked in itself during the day in a city that blasted music all through the night. There were some moments that were what I would consider quintessential “Burning Man”. I made an amulet with a hammer under a tent. I sported pink booty shorts that said “sexy” across the back. I had some impromptu frozen yogurt with a couple that was just passing by another camp I was at, looking for eggs and bacon. A man named the Ambassador fixed my bike when the chain broke. Caleb replaced the inner tube when it popped the very next day. I played an improv game with a woman whose real name is Danica Patrick. I sat at dinner with my camp as everyone shared stories of their accomplishments and embarrassments. I followed an art car that was made to look like a giant sheep at 8am as it blasted Barbra Streisand. I danced in a replica of Fern Gully. I watched a group of burners worship the sun during a sunrise yoga session at the man. Caroline and I fought each other on a podium with giant cue tips at the Gladiator camp (I lost), and they gave me a pink sticker that read “FUCK ART MAKE WAR”. I liked that.

But I never had one moment in Black Rock City that took my breath away. I had small moments of love, and some moments of emotional upheaval. I felt “it” in fractions of a second. I never felt “there”, though. It was almost like I was trying to find something, not knowing what that something was, and I was stuck in a perpetual purgatory of being too far from it to even know where to begin. I never stood out in the playa with the wind in my hair- it was too hot to stay out there long. Maybe I did feel small moments of belonging and freedom, and I certainly did feel the love, compassion and understanding that my campmates selflessly bestowed upon me, but there was no flash of light, there was no message in the sky, and no deep, flooding understanding of the universe or of myself. I didn’t think so, at least.

Then, the pain started in my throat. It felt like the night after a long concert in a smokey hall, and I know all the lyrics to every song. I thought it was the alkali in the dust and Stacy gave me some cough drops to sooth the fire. I read that the acid in vinegar would help, so I made the acquisition of pickles and olives my new daily mission. But, the sore throat turned into sneezing. The sneezing turned into coughing. The coughing buddied up with a fever and after four days, I was laying in our communal tent for hours at a time, waiting for the Tylenol to kick in and push out the body aches and chills. I wanted to leave but I didn’t want to tell anyone. This was my destiny, my adventure, my trip. Burning Man failed my expectations of spiritual enlightenment, so at the very least, I wanted to prove to myself that I could get through it, to the night the man burned, without giving up. On Thursday, though, after hours of desperately wishing for sleep in the middle of the heat, I walked to the bathroom on my own. .On the wall of the hot shit box that we sometimes call a porta-potty in the real world, I noticed someone had written “You are temporary. Do what you want. Do what you need. Do what you love. Because this, too, will pass.” It hit me- I had to go home.

I stumbled back to the camp to let Caroline know I was too sick to stay, and she happily agreed. I took two IV bags of saline to re-hydrate before our departure and we packed up the next morning. In the line on the road leading out of Black Rock City, I felt an immense wave of relief. It might have been one of the best days of my life. I desperately wanted to go home, and we were going. 

I really did want to be a “burner” before that trip. I really wanted to come home and tell all the amazing stories of the fun I had. I really tried. I wanted my Burning Man journal entry to be about the sun and the moon aligning and finding myself in the middle, but I didn’t get what I wanted, and I’m so glad that I didn’t. My heart came alive when I came home. I had forgotten how much I loved my bedroom, my dog, and laying on the couch with a good movie and my sweet girlfriend. It slipped from me that the peace from meditation could be found on my own floor. I failed to remember who I was, and didn’t realize how silly it really was to try and find myself in a hot desert in Nevada, rather than in my own heart.

Months passed, friendships faded, and I began to forget about why I felt so strongly about all of this in the first place. I became complicit in my own monotony, and I stopped praying, I stopped meditating, and I stopped asking for help. I was so angry You know what makes me feel alive? Being fucking honest. Saying something honest when I’m afraid of what that might mean. Telling you I’m scared even though I want you to think I’m strong and fearless. Asking for help in a moment of need even though I’m afraid no one will answer. I feel “spiritual” when I sit alone in a dark room with a candle lit, and I accept that in this moment, I can’t erase any discomfort or emotional pain that I feel, and I pray for something, anything out there, to just sit with me while I feel it. I’m so over pretending that the summation of “spiritual” tokens to convince others I live a spiritual life is sufficient to the kind of life I want to live, and that’s why I am not here to tell you I had an amazing beautiful glorious spiritual trip out at Burning Man. I didn’t. I couldn’t muster enough anything to fabricate something that just wasn’t there. Because as it turns out, I can’t flex hard enough or think smart enough to have a spiritual experience. 

Casey

[inmomni]

No. 14b

I. Intro/Premise:

Hi, my name is Inmo, i am a senior biological studies major at Biola University. I’ve grown up in the church all my life, and I am currently a frustrated, working past it, christian who doesn’t work as advertised.  

This became clear to me after my youth group’s 2015 winter retreat that i got “saved” for like, the third time that my best friend and i had an interesting conversation about our sin. I remember we were on a night hike with a few other of my church friends when i suddenly started to get a strong urge for a cigarette.  I hadn’t had one since the start of the winter retreat, which was about two weeks ago then and a long time for me.  It brought up this kind of frustration in me.  Not because the craving was getting worse, but because i had just been “saved,” again. See in my mind, if you were with Jesus, you should be the farthest away from sin because of this new found love that you have for Jesus now; so in turn, that would make you naturally hate sin, ya know? Sharing the comment with my church friend, it sparked some talk about the fallenness of man and how we innately fall away from God, you know the gist, and we went on for about an hour when pent up with frustration about how i still want sin after all that God had shown me, after knowing what He did for me, after experiencing how much He loves me,

I said, “I wish God could just make us love him so much right now that we would never dare to sin again.”  

II. Idealistic Picture vs: Reality

Idealistic: [See], I thought I knew what a christian should look like. I’ve been to church all my life, so that being said, I think I have a pretty good idea of what an idealized modern day non-Jesus Christian would be like:

Prays for at least 30 mins a day, an hour if it didn’t cry at all to “push through and seek the Lord”….Or an hour if you did cry cause, you cried and you had a moment with Jesus.  

Reads the word every day without fail, even if you don’t have time for it cause you’re too busy serving, you get it in somehow by listening to an ESV ebook bible or through your 2min New Morning Mercies.

Just exudes Jesus everywhere they go, like to the point where you feel so sinful if you’re around them, but somehow they’re so humble that it doesn’t even cross your mind.

Raises their hands every single worship song at some point in the chorus and definitely the verses cause no one raises their hands for those

Every single conversation they have in passing turns into some life changing prophetic revelation for both parties involved

The list can go on.

Past Reality:

As you can see, I think a lot, my mind is always racing, and in science and especially in theology i really like to understand things and how they work, I need sequential process.  So if I don’t understand something, I will just sit there until I get it to take an action on it. I need to know what to do, I need direction, and I need it NOW. So in grappling with my newfound faith during my early high school years, my sinfulness, how to pray, what to think during worship, how to know if I’m being genuine, what I need to be feeling when I encounter God, and i started picking away at my own faith with my doubt.  And with doubt, I froze, because I didn’t understand it, and because I didn’t understand it I would question if I was a christian at all because I didn’t act the way I thought i was supposed to.  I didn’t reach out to leadership, I didn’t ask my pastor or small group leader any questions I had, how to walk in the faith, I simply took what I saw, held up myself against that standard, and graded myself accordingly.  And because I wasn’t doing well with the Lord, all other areas of my life would suffer, my overall mood, my motivation, my assurance in God and his character; nothing was stable. So I started to seek refuge from my reality in things like video games, anime, kdramas, sleeping, and slowly that evolved into trying weed for the first time, and then turning that into an everyday thing, with a daily goal of escaping reality and forgetting how terrible of a person I am. I was open to having fun, cause my life didn’t offer much as it was, and because all of this relied on how i felt, it wouldn’t be like this all the time, maybe just months at a time, sandwiched by seasons of “doing alright”, or a year on, and a year completely clean because God did graciously meet me in those moments, but nothing really changed, even if it was a year away, it doesn’t change the fact that I failed.

There emerged a very cyclic pattern starting since senior year of high school:

Summer is so good, it’s great, restful, had a bunch of fun, ready to get back to work

Fall initially is really good, meeting up with friends, keeping up with academics, motivated, I’m doing okay with God, reading here and there, not consistently, but reading at least, not doing bad things and such… then it starts to drop off around late October. I start getting less motivated, missing more classes, sleeping in more, trying to escape reality more.

Winter is super bad, just bummy lazy disgusting, right up until finals week approaches from where I jump up out of bed and turn into a study machine.

This carries on past spring and then probably into summer again. Then it repeats.

Recent past reality: 

This cycle got worse every single year, until last year, my junior year, when I failed 3 classes second semester.

It was my junior year, and I’m a bio major.  I’m trying to become a doctor, but now I’m not even sure of that anymore.  

Present Reality:

If I’m honest today… I’m a slob, my sleeping schedule is a mess, I’m not even properly eating and what the heck is up with that. I don’t go to the gym anymore. I’m not loving on the people that are close to me well at all. I feel so selfish and twisted. I think myself into a pit, dramatically breaking apart my own self confidence and credibility to myself.

It’s easy for me to think: “God, I feel like such a failure. I’ve tried so hard, my bootstraps ripping into the palms of my hand, to be a Christian, to stay in the faith, but it’s too hard. I don’t get it, and i don’t understand it. If i did, then maybe i wouldn’t be like this.  If i was a christian, I wouldn’t be doing X, Y, and Z or i would have fixed this part of myself ages ago.  I should have had a consistent routine with God by now, talking with him, I should be the ideal christian by now.”  IF I had truly been a christian up til now, holy, I’ve lived 21 years exposed to the gospel, and I don’t know how to do this thing. I should just give up.” I couldn’t even trust myself, the feelings and emotions I had, my all my actions can be accompanied by an army of voices questioning my intentions for everything.  Everything was falling apart, my future, my faith, my academics, nothing was solid, nothing was stable, the way I am right now, I can’t even pick myself up again. I can’t do this.

III. Realization & God-centered Reality

But that’s when it became clear to me.  If you’ve noticed by now, I’ve used the word “I” so many times up til this point. God just started highlighting all of the I’s I used, and he started replacing them with His name.  and it all started to click.  Maybe the reason I failed all these times was to bring me to a place where I could say, with my heart inside out, “God help me please, I don’t know what to do.”  I tried to do things my own way for 3 almost 4 years now and i failed every single time, maybe it’s time to look towards God and not myself.  

God reminded me of a passage in Numbers 21:6-9 where it talks about God sending fiery serpents to the people of Israel.  In short, God sent fiery serpents to the people of israel because of their disobedience, killed a lot of people, then told Moses to construct a bronze snake so that people could look at it and live.  Notice God didn’t say be healed from their afflictions.  He just said that they would live, like NIRV even says that they “remained alive”.  So what are the takeaways here for me? As you live your life, with or without God, you’re going to get bit, like 100%, when God said he sent serpents that killed many, I’m sure it wasn’t just a heist size group of snakes that ravaged the entire population, but a disgusting amount of serpents.  You can try to fend for yourself, or you can look up at God and get through this thing with him.  

The amazing thing is, that when I look to him, I see the moments where God affirmed me in my spiritual growth, all in retrospect of course.

I remember a time at Chick-fil-a with the same Caleb after serving at VBS where one of these moments happened. We had just finished up a day where the theme was the good news.

I started asking him about what he thought of the entire day that we just ran through. He responded with a “It was kinda weird”, not really a straight answer, but to see more what I’m thinking.  I started explaining how they didn’t do the gospel justice, how this wasn’t something that was deserving of being rushed or just gotten over with, especially if it is for these kids.  At one point, some guy paraphrased the gospel to,

“uhh we sinned, Jesus died on the cross for them, and, oh shoot were out of time, can the crew leaders explain the rest on the way to the next station” Everything was so rushed, paraphrased, cut off, I understand we were pressed for time the entire program, but dang did this topic deserve more respect.

I was getting really emotional, and tears started running down my eyes at which point caleb asked me why I was crying.  I didn’t understand his question, until i remembered that all the conversations we had and all the things he’s seen me do don’t point to an impassioned college student upset because his church’s VBS didn’t do the gospel enough justice when presenting it to 5-10 year olds.  That was when I realized God has taught me the weight of his gospel

There were other instances like this:

When i first got to Biola, and I hated it, but God told me through the` song i hated the most during high school  (Christ is Enough) that though i may think that i failed because nothing went to plan, its all according to his. He’s bringing me to a place where I can say Christ is all I need, and he placed that desire in my heart.

Placing me in Torrey, a great books program at Biola,  so that I would have a deeper knowledge of the word and how to converse with people, to have that show up at a party filled with a bunch of non-christians who were talking philosophy of a higher being and of a purpose in life

Seeing that through every cycle of highs and lows, regardless of how low that low was, I still came back to a place where God met me.

IV Conclusion:

To be honest, I still don’t fully know what I’m doing.  I’m trying to read more.  Pray more, I don’t know what it looks like to do what I said just now, or what that actually looks like.  But regardless of what I know, or what I understand, God is doing things behind the scenes for my good.  That there is no other reason, there can’t be any other explanation than the grace that God gives me and sustains me with.  In this most darkest season of my life, I have never understood more clearly what it means to work out your faith with fear and trembling, to know that I am a christian despite all my crap, and that despite how hard I may want to leave, not even I can pluck myself out of God’s hand, because of the way He’s been teaching and shaping my heart. He’s locked me in.  Once you know, you know, with this sort of thing if you know, if you’ve seen or tasted just a fraction of his grace, you cannot go back. Grace prepares the heart for salvation, it is grace that one receives salvation, and it is through grace that salvation is sustained and sanctification is occurring.  I don’t know how I got here and how to get to where I need to be, but I just know that God’s got this.  

So I’m just going to take that and run.

#2nd draft #samestuff

[kisses-benson]

Long Episode Analysis

Marlene once gave a few episode we should look at for the biggest A hints, i don’t know how accurate or helpful people have deemed those to be because it was an old tweet. But i’ve decided to analyse these eps bit by bit, every single small detail no matter how unimportant it seems, it may fit into the puzzle after looking at each of these episodes. 

I wrote this list to help with my own theory, i also wrote it as i watched the episode so i was writing everything quickly, therefor there will be spelling, grammar, punctuation mistakes etc- ignore it.

I haven’t made any theories based of this one list, it may be no help it all, but it’s the first episode marlene said to check. this is the first analysis, i may do more tomorrow. you can use this to built a theory or whatever, let me know what you think!

S3E01 PLL ANALYSIS

Episode starts- song S&M’ forgot name by Rihanna

5 MONTHS AFTER S2 FINALE- maya death

aria staring out window, looks distant

Over summer-

spencer took hollis class

emily built 6 houses in Haiti

hanna messed around with caleb

aria beat 1k applicants for photography class

After maya’s death she started drinking again

*noise outside* aria panicked ‘was that a car’

*a text* -show me your boobs- A

‘to making it to senior year!’- spencer

‘not all of us made it’-em

       they toast to maya

cutescene-

back door open, aria wakes up alone in room apart from hanna disturbed to see door, wake hanna, em and spence gone.

spencer comes downstairs- ‘she’s gone’- spencer was awake first, other than em. Why did she wake up???

hanna- ‘what do you mean she’s gone’

hanna calls em whilst a lone wolf aria stares out open door, suspicious?

emily stands over alias open grave, nobody, with shovel

intro———————————

they’re all at grave, em runs to sit down with hanna and aria is left with spence lagging behind at graveside, she stares into empty grave almost confused- but not at this particular situation at hand

aria- ‘how could she not remember this’'

spencer-‘she’s out of it, she’s drunk’

‘you don’t think she had anything to do with it do you’

‘no she can hardly stand’

spencer sees em has a call from blocked number, everyone is lost, but aria looks around dazed and almost awaiting something

spence sees a call from her phone to emily’s at midnight- she was asleep as was em and hanna- aria says ‘what you were asleep, right?!’ really questioning and digging to see if spence ‘saw anything’ possibly?

spence- ‘someone called em from my phone, someone was in the house, this is a setup!’ aria seems less than shocked, still she looks around- awaiting something, someone.

aria and hanna burying shovel em had, aria says knowingly ‘what, do we wipe the prints off or something’- experience??

em and spence are burning ems clothes, discussing who would do this and why.

————

aira and hanna in car, see lucas run to a car.

girls leave to go to bakehouse to hide their presence in rosewood

————

spence’s mom calls and mentions what happened, girls are scared, hoping there was no witnesses. Aria is the most relieved to hear no one say them. She zones out and doesn’t listen to much of ems apology for being so wasted. and then suggests they tell the truth.

em says ‘ i get it, last night never happened’

camera pans off to aria, she’s the one they need to worry about, not em. aria looks scared, not convinced.

—————

next scene aria jolts up on ezra’s couch, headshot camera angle from birdseye POV.

ezra says maya still had some of ali’s stuff, which may be why garrett killed her. aria again- confused, queen of being confused.

falls into memories of first night ezria met

they kiss like they did that night

——————————

action dramatic music- hanna shopping with her mom.

spence gets an unknown call and said it was toby to hanna.

spence seems worried about hanna telling dr sullivan about last night.

—————————————

hanna visits mona in radley as ‘hanna rivers’

emily packing clothes, thinking of maya

back to hanna looking through fashion magazines with mona, who is catatonic- seemingly.

wren sees hanna in hallway, both ask why they’re at radley.

wren volunteers there, wren has spent a lifetime trying to understand mental illness.

mona was watching through gap in door.

———————————————

toby gets dressed at spencer’s

spence gets another unknown call- she tenses up when toby mentions last night.

————————————————

caleb and hanna plan to cook together after school.

aria is talking to spence about how mr montgomery feels about ezra.

lucas walks by and aria says ‘he knows something’ then compares him to boo radley- anti social recluse who was judged harshly and ridiculed by small town , false rumors spread about him etc-

they say they hope emily is okay, she’s watching from outside canteen.

—————————

aria goes to bathroom, stall won’t lock, door open, she calls ‘hello’, hooded figure walks into bathroom and paces back and forth. aria looks panicked, figure stops infant of her stall, she backs to wall and screams

‘help somebody help me’

her stall door swings open and cute scene///

hanna and spence come to bathroom to find aria, crouching on floor, crying in corner and she says ‘ i had a panic attack i think i saw A’

they hug, aria in centre, the panic stricken look almost fully disappears when she’s facing away from girls.

—————————

spence looking at ball gown dress thing-

mom asks her to go to town and says she has to study, she gets another unknown call.

aria and her mom talking. aria doesn’t wanna talk bout ali, needs a break from it.

aria looks at ella and byron marriage certificate.

“ezra and aria are the complication” aria said.

‘remember when i was 13 and you took me to that grown up lunch and you made a promise to allow me to be me’

————————————

toby and emily scene at the brew.

spence in car, tapping steering wheel, at lost woods resort. walks to resort, hears something in bush, revealed through camera shot and angle she’s being watching.

arrives at A’s liar- everything is gone.

hanna says ‘shrink’ was fine, though she was visiting mona.

she get’s call from R.S (radley sanitarium)- wren.

‘mona making progress and dr thinks her visits must be helping.’

em talks about how wasted she got over summer.

spence @ mona’s old A liar, annoyed.

gets unknown call, answers.

‘okay, I’m listening’

———————————————

aria admiring a dress in her mirror, same camera slide in from left of door that they did in pilot- she was the opening scene and this almost perfectly mirrors it.

ella walks in ‘aria the police are here, they wanna talk to you’

she whips around, shock and fear shadows her face. zoom in on her face, emphasizing her emotions.

——————————

girls all sing song their alibi at police station, aria starts it off.

ezra shows up.

ella, aria and ezra go out for dinner.

————————————

hanna is with mona

‘they had you on a lot of meds, i’ve been visiting you these past few weeks’

asks if mona wants her to keep visiting. Mona snaps out of catatonic state, turns and smiles hanna’s direction but she’s smiling at a hallucination of Ali, not hanna.

———————————

spence visiting garret, unknown calls were from him, he aid he’d tell her the truth. he proclaims he didn’t kill the girl, knows nothing about maya but knows who killed ali. asks spence for her mom’s lawyer help.

as he’s dragged away he shouts ‘i know who took the body’

how would he know about that? he’s been in jail.

——————————————

emily on a run, recognizes car from the night she was at ali’s grave.

em shows up at spunk’s with everyone else and tells the girls about the car, being in the trunk.

aria paranoid about A being back, hanna says she’s been visiting mona.

spencer shows girls a full digital map of A liar whilst they’re at lost woods.

aria looks cautious, scared, distant and grips her arms for support.

almost like she recognizes what should be here?

or because they all lied to emily about everything already being gone from liar.

and the black swan mystery begins. -'if they weren’t guilty why would they run from you guys'

*car alarm*

pictures of them at ali’s grave that night are scattered all throughout their car.

*a text*

‘mona played with dolls, i play with body parts, game on bitches- A’

(CeCe presumably took over at this point, as we’ve been told. most likely false)

#who is AD #aria is a #aria montgomery #spencer hastings #emily fields #hanna marin #alison dilaurentis

[loquaciousquark]

Talks Machina Highlights - Critical Role C2E45 (Dec. 18, 2018)

Evening, all! @eponymous-rose​ is off tonight with such silly things like family and events and real life obligations, so I’m here to make bad jokes and have opinions instead.

For those who hadn’t heard, Brian & Ashley are engaged as of this week! Brian is taking both her last and first name to be ultra-progressive. Tonight’s guests: Sam Riegel & Matt Mercer. Matt is here willingly. Sam is not. We’re discussing Episode 45: The Stowaway, sponsored by LootCrate. Brian asks Sam for an impromptu song ad; he rhymes moot and loot and jigs and everyone is a little closer to death than they were a few moments prior.

Tonight’s announcements: Pub Draw & Name Drop are two new shows on the Critical Role channel--check out critrole.com for more details.

This Thursday’s episode is the last of 2018; Critical Role then returns on January 10.

Liam’s oneshot, The Night Before Critmas, airs at 7pm Pacific this Friday night. He’s been planning it for two years, and the VOD will be available December 23.

Talks Machina is also breaking for the holidays and will return on January 8, where they’ll have a cast-wide discussion on the state of the campaign so far. The questions open on Reddit, Twitter, and email on January 4th.

CR Stats: Nott has the most kills of the group with 37. The 45th HDYWTDT occurred in episode 45 as well. Twiggy’s dragon kill was the fifth guest kill of the campaign, and the 2nd guest HDYWTDT. In campaign one, guests got 22 kills and four HDYWTDTs. This was the longest episode of campaign two and the fourth longest of the series.

Matt and Deborah had met extensively to discuss backstory and mechanics, but hadn’t discussed much personality. The only person who wanted to check voice/accent was Khary (with Shakaste).

Deborah was one of the first guests they reached out to when they started streaming all that time ago, but she initially said no because D&D was such a personal thing for her and she didn’t want to share it with the internet. Everyone agrees she was worth the wait.

Everyone’s furious about Daredevil’s cancellation. :(

Sam thought it was fun to play alongside another Arcane Trickster because... “she was very good at it, all that great stuff that I forget to do.” Nott was jealous that many of the things that made her unique were present in Twiggy. However, the jealousy was later reversed because of how excellent Twiggy was in the fight.

The Happy Fun Ball was a narrative device Matt had been planning for a long time--he liked the idea of a pocket dungeon with lore attached. When they realized Deborah’s schedule would put her on a boat in the middle of nowhere, he found a perfect opportunity to bring it in.

Sam asks if Matt intended the device to be a one-use single episode thing, or something recurring, something for the party to further explore at their will. Matt explains very circuitously (and hilariously) that certain DMs may have in the planning of the introduction of the Happy Fun Ball originally intended for such Happy Fun Balls to leave with the guest, and were very surprised when said Happy Fun Ball (and all its hundreds of extraplanar rooms to explore) was left behind with the party instead. He then basically dares Sam to press a button and see what happens.

Nott doesn’t resent Fjord for touching the window or setting a time limit on the library exploration. While it was cool in the library, there were too many things attacking them.

Matt doesn’t necessarily intend his traps for Travis, but he likes having good buttons and bad buttons. “I just want shit to happen. Surprise me!” He admires the player that occasionally gets bold, rather than the one who always sends their minions out to touch all the tiles and trigger all the traps before they ever set foot in the dungeon. He also enjoys the meticulousness of Liam being at the same table as Travis’s impulsiveness.

Sam does not want the fans to send him larger flasks. His current flask holds 128 oz, which is exactly a gallon.

GIF of the Week: @criticalschluck with a hilarious movie-trailer-style GIF of Travis explaining he’s got an intelligence of 6 (Grog), then an intelligence of 14 (Fjord), then pushing buttons and experiencing... consequences.

Nott approves of Caleb’s choice to abandon the books to go back to the party. While she wants as much knowledge in his head as possible, it’s because “a smarter Caleb is a more powerful Caleb, and hopefully a Caleb that can stay alive a little longer.” Matt likes watching characters be put in situations where they have to choose between long-reaching character goals and the people they have chosen as their family. He was fascinated to see the struggle as he was ticking down the time on his sheet. He’s very excited to see what’s going to happen this Thursday.

Brian and Matt both fanboy over Sam’s 1hp decision.

Sam reflects on Jester’s being left behind--”not in a malicious way, you know, but sometimes in a big family someone gets left behind at a mall!”

Matt circuitously explains that the stained-glass window could be used to access other places. This man’s being slipperier than soap suds on wet tile tonight.

Nott was aware that the hit she took for Jester could have been a killing blow, but she was ready--”it was what goes through her head around Caleb a lot: ‘I’ve got to protect my friends.’” She’s very protective and very maternal, and Sam would have been okay if that had been the last of Nott.

Both Sam and Liam (and others) have begun to experience the in- and out-of-game changes that come with finally beginning to really know these characters. They certainly wouldn’t have died for each other at the beginning of the game, even knowing how hard their friends worked on these characters. It was originally a “system shock” (as Matt puts it) which required check-ins after certain blow-ups at the beginning of the campaign to make sure they (the players) were all okay. Now, though, they’re closer and closer to being willing to die for each other for both in-game and meta reasons.

Sam reflects on how both Caleb and Nott hate themselves, but manifest that very differently in how they treat other people. Caleb withdraws and puts up thick walls; Nott is quick to trust and care about everyone.

Nott is least close to Yasha at the moment. She’s still a li’l scared of her.

Matt had a few battle options planned out regarding which parts of which chamber were futzed with. The black tapestry was the one curtain they didn’t mess with that would have led to a “very rough encounter.” Matt had six maps built off-stage, just in case.

Sam’s backup character is a handsome actor named Sam Seagull.

Brian is annoyed that every encounter starts with the chat screaming “TPK.” Matt: “I hope not. That’d be my fault if that happened.”

While the dragon was very powerful, Matt had expectations that the party would understand very quickly that the fight didn’t necessarily have to end with the dragon’s death--he wanted them to understand the challenge was the exit, not the dragon. However, they came in in a different order than he’d anticipated, including party staggering, and that was when he started to get nervous.

Whatever magic had first triggered the first crystal would have been the same magic required to open the second door. It was proximity-based.

Fanart of the Week: @tehsasquatch, with this super-cool portrait of Nott.

On whether Nott feels as if she’s earned her comma: sometimes, especially in encounters like these, Nott feels just for a moment that she can be brave, she can be useful, she can be heroic--and then the moment it’s over the world comes crashing back down. When she’s out of those moments, she feels that she’s still just a goblin.

Is Sam ready for Nott to get the spotlight Fjord’s currently in?

Sam: No. Matt: [very intense face]. There’s a lot of backstory elements that he and Matt know that no one else is aware of, and he’s nervous about those coming to light.

The Traveler’s appearance was complete improv. Matt was reading the situation and the emotions and looking for ways to facilitate a heroic story, and when the dice worked in her favor, he felt it would be a wonderful, dramatic story beat to suddenly include--especially since the Traveler hadn’t responded much recently. Matt: “Yeah, that was really cool.”

The Traveler/Jester relationship has evolved in ways Matt both did and did not expect. He wasn’t sure how seriously Jester was going to take it. It’s the difference between believing in something and allowing that thing to define you as a person. He loves it. Sam: “The Traveler...is Taryon, right?”

Nott doesn’t see Caleb as abandoning her at all. “He’s a weak, puny man who needs to get himself out of danger.” It would have actually been harder if Caleb had been there, because if Nott had had to make a choice as to who to protect, Jester would be dead.

After Beau’s emergence from the orb, she probably for a few minutes would have thought that they were all dead behind her. It wasn’t that hours or days had passed--just a few minutes. Matt found Beau’s and Caduceus’s conversation at the end very fascinating and compelling, especially as a way to end the episode.

Nott agrees that Jester is not as happy and fine as she appears to be, especially after their talk about boys, but doesn’t feel it’s as severe as Caleb’s issues. “Jester’s a functional person.” However, Sam’s excited they’re getting past the “flitty person from the first half of the campaign” to the “core of sadness” as the story progresses.

Matt’s sure Yasha was not happy at all that her friends all disappeared without warning. “She spent six days thinking her friends were never going to come back. She doesn’t cry in a corner; she’s familiar with grief and loss. She hardens herself and moves on.” He’s hoping they’ll get to see some of that this week.

Critmas Spotlight: The Blind Weaver, a really, really cool 3D painting by a lady named Elaine Ryan, which has layers upon layers of polyurethane stained to make an amazing effect. See @elaineryanart on twitter and tumblr for more!

Talks Machina: After Dog

They decide where guests sit at the time of the episode. Matt likes to avoid the edges so they don’t feel like the outlier. Sam requests no attractive guests be placed immediately adjacent to him so that it does not detract from his glory. “That’s why I sit next to doggo Laura Bailey.” Brave man. Brave, foolish man.

Sam likes oatmeal raisin cookies. I am DELIGHTED, WHAT AN OLD MAN WHO SHARES MY TASTE. He also likes Werther’s, which is bringing back so many memories of my grandmother’s house. Matt likes ginger snaps, which are my favorite Christmas cookies also. I would kill for ginger snaps right now. Matt and Sam both are excited about pumpkin pie.

Essential D&D gifts, per Matt: dice, PHB, HeroForge custom minis if you really want to get them excited. He finds that getting in there and making a character can really help hook someone on the visual aspect & get invested in their character. Everything else is fluff. Sam suggests a music playlist for the first game; when he ran his first game with his kids, he liked having gridded paper to draw the maps on.

Matt does not feel that the crew of the ship has been mistreated, but they have been “neglected and dragged through places they didn’t expect.” He does think they’ll talk about everything they’ve done to all their friends and family when they get home in a very “you won’t believe this!” kind of way.

Sam always wears the same tie when he’s voice directing and on the first day of a new show. He’s wearing it tonight and can’t discuss the new show.

Favorite holiday movies! Brian: “Love, Actually” and “Die Hard,” as well as “Miracle on 34th Street.” Matt loves “A Christmas Story” (my favorite also, bless this man). Sam likes “Prancer” and “Scrooged,” but realizes mid-sentence that this is Brian’s first Talks as an engaged man.

Brian on proposing: ”It’s...the best.” They’d been together for over six years & met during the first Last of Us game. Brian describes himself as a former “piece of shit” and a very different person back then. Ashley had no expectations that he was going to propose & was totally surprised. Gah, this is too romantic.

Brian: “I always imagined for years what that moment would be like, and this topped all of my expectations... What more can you really hope for in this life than to feel that feeling with another person? It’s to me the pinnacle of our human experiences to be able to say ‘I’ve been through hell and yet found someone that I can definitely say I want to spend all the days of my life on this earth with,’ and the fact that it happened is fucking cool. It’s like heroin with none of the bad side effects.”

It was extremely stressful--but only the logistics. Apparently Matt’s proposal was extremely logistically intensive; Brian sympathizes.

And on that lovely, quiet note, we’re done for the night. Happy holidays, everyone. <3

#talks machina #talks machina spoilers #long post for ts #critical role #critical role spoilers