#but this song makes me grateful in back in fl

[thegothicarchitecture]

Happy Together Convenience Store - ElyOtto

ElyOtto comes back with a short EP with 6 substanceless tracks, none of which break the 2 and a half minute mark.

This feels like punching down... but holy crap is this EP awful. I was curious to hear ElyOtto again since my last exposure to their music was on the HELLSCAPE SUBURBIA EP, another short release with maybe one or two okay tracks. I thought about doing a review when that EP came out, but my conscience got the best of me. I figured nothing I could say would be very constructive, and most of it would've been needlessly negative.

Hearing this new EP makes me wish I wrote something earlier. The natural vocals on 2013 being completely out of pitch and unlistenable, the distortion swallowing the high end of THE COPS, and much more which has bled into the production and crafting of this absolute pile of shit.

Happy Together Convenience Store may be the most grating, most low effort collection of songs I've heard all year. This fails as a collection of songs because these are barely songs. This also fails as a sound collage because the tracks use such a rudimentary structure that could be sequenced in a few minutes on FL Studio, and end so abruptly to remind you of the separation of tracks.

I bring up SugarCrash as a case study, as ElyOtto's production has devolved so much since his early success following that song's success. ElyOtto's fluke hit might have sounded like a tutorial song, but an effort was clearly made to craft a song. That song had layers, whereas these songs have maybe one midi melody each with the most basic drum/808 patterns imaginable. SugarCrash used distortion on the vocals as a stylistic choice and not a crutch. These songs are buried in a layer of distortion so thick as if ElyOtto just discovered the AUDistortion plugin. The distortion is also completely misused, as it's not just put on to mask the vocals for artistic effect like WhoKilledXIX. No, the distortion is put on the masters, and ostensibly turned up as high as humanly possible. It's so lazy I wonder if ElyOtto even likes making music anymore, or just doesn't care about what he puts out on streaming services.

Now for some nicer words: ElyOtto, if you ever read this, I'm so sorry you blew up on TikTok so early on. Had your music not gone viral while you were still young and making it, you might've had the space needed to grow as an artist and not feel pigeonholed to a certain sound. You were a budding young artist, and viral fame is corrosive to even the most well adjusted adults. If you are, in fact, not enjoying the music you're making, or the music making process, please take a break! I've made some horrible music myself and took a break because of it, and that desire and ability to create came back. I hope you do what's best for you, and if you take any piece of criticism from this review I earnestly hope it's this final bit of advice.

Highlights:  N/A

½ (Horrible)

#hyperpop #elyotto #review #musicreview #newmusic

[newmusicradionetwork]

Cassandra Pinataro Releases New Self-Love Single “Love You Back”

Pop singer/songwriter and current Miss Music City, Cassandra (Pinataro), recently released her newest single called “Love You Back.” With inspirational lyrics like you’re more than voices in your head, words that someone else has said, Cassandra’s positivity is shining a bright light on a dark subject that our country is currently experiencing. “Love You Back captures three main ideas – love yourself, you matter and be your own best friend,” Cassandra explains. “Kids need to hear this. After the recent shooting at the Covenant School in Nashville, our people are terrified – terrified of another shooting, terrified of sending their children to school, terrified of the gun laws in our state and country. I think now, more than ever, we need to focus on mental health for children. School shootings are happening everywhere and students need to know that their voices can be heard and that their mental health matters. I’m on a mission to make sure each and every student I reach realizes that.” Cassandra (Pinataro) was crowned Miss Boston in 2022 and was first runner-up to Miss Massachusetts that same year. While still reigning her title, Cassandra decided to chase her dream and move to Nashville, TN, where she was crowned Miss Music City in 2023. She is currently competing for the title of Miss Tennessee and hopes to continue on to the Miss America competition later this year. As a Miss America local titleholder, Cassandra has provided meals for over 250,000 homes in the past year. She plans to release a cookbook this year, with 50% of those proceeds going back to the Middle Tennessee Food Bank. Cassandra is currently visiting schools across Tennessee, building bonds through music and speaking with students about the importance of mental health. About Cassandra: Born in Rockville, MD, Cassandra began singing as soon as she could speak. She grew up in Duluth, GA before moving to Binghamton, NY for middle school and high school. Her family resides in Jacksonville, FL. “Every city I’ve lived in has taught me something about myself and the world around me,” she explains. “Although it was difficult to move often, I’m grateful for the memories I have made and the lessons I have learned in each place.” In high school, Cassandra began to dabble with her songwriting skills, composing several pop songs but never releasing them. It wasn’t until the Coronavirus pandemic hit the U.S. in 2020 that she found what she loved most about the creative process of music. She started writing and co-writing pop music and began recording soon after. As a trained opera singer, Cassandra has a vast vocal range that spans over four octaves. She has a fierce sound, with the ability to seamlessly weave in and out of tricky vocal runs that would trip up most singers.  As an artist, her goal is to never treat two songs the same, thus developing a new sound for each one. Cassandra graduated from the New England Conservatory of Music with a Bachelor’s degree in Classical Voice Performance and is currently studying for her Master’s degree in Music Business through Berklee College of Music‘s online program. With a combined total of over 420K streams on Spotify, Cassandra uses her talent to spread encouraging messages through her music. She released her latest single “Love You Back” on March 31, 2023. For more information, visit www.cassandraofficialmusic.com and follow Cassandra on Instagram, TikTok and Spotify. Read the full article

[sometimesiship]

in another life

Fandom: You Got Me, Sempai! Rating: General Ship: Higuchi/Serina, Mizukawa/Serina, Onesided AO3 | FF.net a/n:

I read this manga on a whim and now my entire heart is broken and put together all at the same time 🥹

I really love the ML and FL together, but there's something about Higuchi's story—and how it's handled—that speaks to me. I've always believed that a lot of love happens out of luck, or just sheer coincidence. Who's to say that Higuchi wouldn't have ended up with Serina if he'd met her before Mizukawa did? But also, I feel like Mizukawa and Serina are destined for each other no matter what universe. So you've kind of got this conundrum of how in the world could Higuchi ever be with her? But also, this experience shapes who he is and how he'll see the world going forward. And also there's just something about loving somebody and not needing to be loved in return.

Idk. I just love it so much. It's painful and beautiful and makes the world feel so small and unconcerned.

---

In another life, there is no Mizukawa. There is no desk. There are no lyrics scribbled onto that desk.

In another life, he steps out for that day’s practice and finds her sitting on the bleachers alone, staring up at the clouds. There’s a listless look in her eyes, like maybe there should be something more in this world, but she doesn’t know what. Their eyes meet, and she blinks in surprise before offering a tentative smile and a cautious wave of her hand.

Another girl comes skipping down the seats to pull her up, and then they’re gone.

In another life, her pencil case gets mixed up with his things during their cultural festival. There’s no love letter in the box. Instead, there’s a verse and a chorus—some bland, poppy song about love and life and wondering if it’s out there for you—scratched across the lines. There’s no question who it is; he remembers that look in her eyes on the bleachers.

He grabs her to give it back to her, and she shies away. But he sees the brightness in her eyes, and the hope. He can’t forget that light. He wonders what it’s for. He wonders if he can have it.

And he still has her pencil case. 

So he writes his own note—kind of cheesy, don’t you think?—sticks it in, and asks his teacher to get it back to her.

In another life, she’s guarding the bags in the cafeteria as girls try out to be the soccer club manager, and he’s hiding so that they can weed out the ones who have selfish motives. 

“The cheesiness is what makes it so meaningful,” she pouts. “Wouldn’t you want to be sure the person you love is someone you love so much that it hurts?”

He’s quiet, pressing buttons for two bottles of tea at the vending machine. “Fair point,” he sighs, then hands her one of the bottles.

She blinks, then takes it with a grateful smile. The cap cracks as she twists it open, and when she takes her first sip, she pops her head back and grins. “So refreshing!”

His heart gives an unnecessarily hard pump, and he has the fleeting thought he would do anything for that smile.

—

They live in opposite directions, but he stops her before she can leave school grounds.

“I like you,” he tells her.

Her mouth falls open in surprise. “I… I’ve only known you for a few minutes, Senpai.”

“I know. But I think I could love you so much it hurts.”

She’s silent. After a beat, she smiles at him. “Why not? What’s a few minutes in the grand scheme of things?”

— 

The first year and a half are fast and quick and restless. She’s soft in his hands and on his mouth. The next few months are more rough and tumble, but they make it out alive. 

He learns just how much he can love someone.

Graduation comes, then goes. He makes his college soccer team. He’s glad he has her, because as it turns out, friendship and love become only harder to find at the national level.

She’s there for him in the heat of everything, and in the quiet, too. Her smile is just for him. She’s all just for him. 

And they travel the world, and they marry, and they have kids with blond hair and dark eyes, and they grow old together, and she tells him, “I don’t care what we are, as long as I’m in the same ocean as you.”

He treats her 10,000 times better than anybody in the world—in any world, in any life, in any universe—could, for just one percent of her love.

—

And yet, in this life, when he opens his eyes and sees the endless, blue sky outside the window, he finds he still wouldn’t change a thing.

#You Got Me Sempai #Mairimashita Sempai #fic

[coghive]

Anne Wilson Scores Six DOVE Awards Nominations

Capitol CMG artist and songwriter, Anne Wilson, has just scored six DOVE Award nominations for her major label debut album, My Jesus, including breakout tracks “My Jesus” and “Mamas (feat. Hillary Scott).” The Gospel Music Association’s DOVE Awards honors outstanding achievements and excellence in Christian and Gospel music. “I am absolutely blown away that I’ve been nominated for SIX Dove Awards,” says Wilson. “God is beyond kind and faithful. I’m so grateful for all who have supported me so far on this journey and especially those in my GMA family. I cannot wait to continue to make music that glorifies God and points people back to HIM!” Anne has been nominated in the following categories: - Song Of The Year – “My Jesus” - Songwriter Of The Year (Artist) – Anne Wilson - New Artist Of The Year – Anne Wilson - Pop/Contemporary Recorded Song Of The Year – “My Jesus” Anne Wilson - Bluegrass/Country/Roots Recorded Song Of The Year – “Mamas” Anne Wilson, Hillary Scott - Pop/Contemporary Album Of The Year – My Jesus Anne Wilson Anne’s debut album, My Jesus, hit the #1 spot on multiple charts include Billboard’s Top Christian & Gospel Albums, Billboard’s Top 200 Christian & Gospel, Billboard’s Top Albums. The album’s title track, “My Jesus,” earned Anne her first RIAA Gold Certification and a 2022 Billboard Music Award nomination for “Top Christian Song.” The album also made CCMG history, scoring the biggest debut week in over 15 years by a Capitol Christian Music Group-signed new artist.

Her single, “Mamas,” was released this past Mother’s Day weekend and features one of her personal musical inspirations, Hillary Scott. The moving music video about the importance of a mother’s love has amassed over 8.5 million Facebook views to date. Anne’s latest single, “Hey Girl,” is out now and impacting Christian radio on 9.16. Be sure to check out Anne on the road as she joins The Healer Tour this Fall with Casting Crowns and CAIN. The Healer Tour Dates: - 9.22                        El Paso County Coliseum                                      El Paso, TX - 9.23                        Rio Rancho Events Center                                      Albuquerque (Rio Rancho), NM - 9.24                        GCU Arena                                                                Phoenix, AZ - 9.25                        Honda Center                                                           Orange County (Anaheim), CA - 9.26                        The Dollar Loan Center                                          Las Vegas (Henderson), NV - 9.29                        ExtraMile Arena                                                       Boise, ID - 9.30                        The Pavilion at the Oregon State Fairgrounds    Salem, OR - 10.1                        Angel of the Winds Arena                                       Everett, WA - 10.2                        Spokane Arena                                                          Spokane, WA - 10.6                        MetraPark Arena                                                       Billings, MT - 10.7                        Budweiser Events Center                                         Loveland, CO - 10.8                        Amarillo Civic Center                                                 Amarillo, TX - 10.13                     Truist Arena at Northern Kentucky University      Highland Heights, KY - 10.14                     Giant Center                                                                Hershey, PA - 10.15                     Schottenstein Center                                                 Columbus, OH - 10.20                     Petersen Events Center University of Pittsburgh  Pittsburgh, PA - 10.21                     Harrah’s Cherokee Center                                         Asheville, NC - 10.22                     Greensboro Coliseum                                                Greensboro, NC - 10.27                     Amway Center                                                            Orlando, FL - 10.28                     First Baptist Church of Woodstock                          Atlanta, GA - 10.29                     Florence Center                                                          Florence, SC - 11.3                        Cable Dahmer                                                        Kansas City (Independence), MO - 11.4                        Alliant Energy PowerHouse                                     Cedar Rapids, IA - 11.5                        Denny Sanford PREMIER Center                             Sioux Falls, SD - 11.6                        Target Center                                                              Minneapolis, MN - 11.7                        Baxter Arena                                                               Omaha, NE - 11.10                     Bell County Expo Center                                            Belton, TX - 11.11                     Real Life Amphitheater                                              San Antonio (Selma), TX - 11.17                     Ford Center                                                                  Evansville, IN - 11.18                     The Family Arena                                St. Louis (St. Charles), MO – On Sale 8/25 - 11.19                     Landers Center                                                            Southaven, MS - 11.27                     The Bell Auditorium                                                   Augusta, GA - 11.28                     Pensacola Bay Center                                                 Pensacola, FL - 11.30                     Prudential Center                                                        Newark, NJ - 12.2                        EagleBank Arena                                                         Fairfax, VA - 12.3                        Rupp Arena                                                                   Lexington, KY Read the full article

#AnneWilson

[soleilady]

#fav song atm #i love the drive home from work #i be blastin this playlist #nothing beats driving in the car with this song comes on shuffle #i miss nyc #but this song makes me grateful in back in fl #music #spotify recommendation #me #good day! #tunes #mine #favs #Spotify

[sevlgi]

c’est la vie

requested: yes (many different requests put together)

group: blackpink

pairing: rosé x fem!reader

genre: a shit ton of angst, fluff ending 

contents: band!au, (kind of) celebrities!au, rivals to lovers, guitarist!rosé, guitarist!y/n, they’re honestly so in love, featuring jennie, jisoo, lisa, twice’s mina, skz’s han + chan, bts’s jeongguk, nct’s johnny + jaehyun. READ THIS FOR BAND CONTEXT

warnings: mentions of smoking

synopsis: It’s been 8 years since your legendary rivalry with L0VES1CK’s Park Chaeyoung began, and yet, she doesn’t seem to hate you any less. But maybe, with the right turn of events, both of you will learn that the line between love and hate is far thinner than you think.

a/n: IF THIS FLOPS I AM GOING TO FUCKING DEACTIVATE /HJ

listen to: all my friends are turning blue by loren, you stupid bitch by girl in red, love me or leave me by day6, slump by stray kids

word count: 12.2k

Park Chaeyoung hates that she can smell the smoke that clings to her clothing, even as she sings her heart out on stage with her hands moving restlessly on her beloved guitar.

This is her favorite place. The water that Lisa sprays into the crowd splashes onto her as well and glistens in her hair like beads sculpted of diamond, and she can hear Mina going hard on the drums behind her, Chan matching her energy on his electric guitar. Jaehyun backs Chaeyoung up when she misses the occasional lyric, holding her mic out to the crowd with a huge grin on her face.

And yet, the salty sting of sweat and the sweet hairspray that lingers on her doesn’t manage to disguise the cigarette box sitting in her pocket and the lighter one inch away from crashing onto the ground and setting the whole stage on fire.

But the song’s over, and she’s waving to the crowd as she walks off the stage backwards. “Come on,” Lisa laughs, tugging her down by her shirt. “We still have two shows left, and I’ll bet most of these guys will be at those too.”

“Can you blame me for wanting to stay up there a little longer?” Chaeyoung smiles. “What’re we doing tonight?”

Jaehyun and Chan exchange glances, Mina having already sped onto the tour bus to claim her shower privileges. “We could stay here,” Chan ventures. “We’ve gone out every night for the past couple of weeks.”

Chaeyoung wrinkles her nose. “I don’t want to stay and listen to Bloodbath’s rehearsal.”

Rolling her eyes, Lisa shoves the Australian girl lightly and sighs, “I don’t get what you have against them. They’re good, and I’m sure they’re cool.”

“Have you been to one of their shows?” Chae scoffs. When met with silence, she raises her eyebrows and scans over her slightly guilty-looking bandmates. “Oh, god. You did.”

“In our defense, it was Mina’s idea,” Jaehyun pipes up. Typical of him to try and throw the missing member under the bus; Chaeyoung makes a mental note to rat him out later, in exchange for using Mina’s superior shower later. 

“Whatever. I guess we can stay in,” the guitarist sighs, yanking the door to her and Lisa’s tour bus open, probably a little harder than strictly necessary. She catches a glance of herself in the bathroom mirror, piercings caught in her hot-pink hair and glitter beading in the sweat that drips down her arm.

She flinches when she hears the loud, out-of-tune strum of a guitar, somehow penetrating the thick metal of the tour bus even from the stage a few miles away. 

Chaeyoung shoves her headphones in and turns the volume all the way up, uncaring of how her own voice grates on her ears. If she can’t go out, she’ll find her own distraction; when her hand drifts toward her back pocket, she realizes just how easy it is to drown out the idea that you ever existed.

“Oh my god, I’m sorry!” You wince and adjust your in-ear as the sound of your guitar echoes through the stadium, at ten times the volume it should be at. Jennie fails to disguise the absolute horror on her face as she’s deafened by the echoes inside her ears; you’d think that she would be used to it by now, but somehow, she still flinches every time.

Jisung yelps, ever the dramatic one. His own guitar hangs around his neck, abandoned for the mic that he fiddles with. You shout over the noise, “Jisoo, could you turn it down, though? Level 2, please.”

Your manager flashes a thumbs up before retreating down the stairs, massaging her own ears when you aren’t looking. “Did you say level 2?”

“Yeah!” Hesitantly, you strum what you think will be a softer chord, only for the same shriek to tear through your ears again. “I’m sorry,” you plead again, holding your hands up in a prayer when you earn another dirty look from Jennie.

In contrast, you can’t hear Jeongguk’s drums even when he uses his full (and considerable) strength, and even Jisung’s highest note doesn’t make it past the first row of the stadium. Flinging his hands up in the air, Jeongguk sighs, “This is not going to work. We have a show tomorrow.”

“I know,” you exhale sharply, making sure to keep a hand on your guitar so that you aren’t deafened again. 

“Bad news. Sound system is completely and utterly broken,” Jisoo says, cupping her hands so that her voice echoes up the stairwell. “None of your stuff is compatible with the speakers, and we don’t have the time to tune the backups.”

“So... what do we do?” Jisung frowns, hand stilling on his guitar.

Jisoo grimaces, “You’re probably going to have to go completely without the sound system and rely on acoustics.”

You make a face. “I have an electric guitar. And Jisung can’t be heard over Jeongguk without his mic, no offense to either of you.”

“Wasn’t L0VES1CK playing today?” Jennie questions, giving up on her own mic. “Could we ask to borrow their stuff?”

“Do they have everything we need?” Jeongguk asks doubtfully.

Jisoo sighs, and picks the lanyard with the keys up. “Worth a try. Can you guys try with just acoustics? Y/N, take Jennie’s ballad guitar. And Jeongguk, try to leave Jisung a little room.”

All of you give her a chorus of agreement, before you turn to your band members. “Okay,” you sigh, accepting the acoustic guitar Jennie hands you. “Let’s give it a shot.”

“It takes a stupid amount of effort to wake you up,” Chan sighs as he drags Chaeyoung forward by the elbow. Usually, the guitarist would protest a little more, but for once, she’s glad for her bandmates complete inability to go to sleep.

“So... why exactly are you waking me up at midnight? After exactly 15 minutes of sleep?” the girl groans, head lolling back. Chaeyoung hasn’t slept in 36 hours, solely sustained by energy gels, cigarettes, and Chan’s battery-acid coffee, and has absolutely no idea where her bandmate is dragging her to.

“... Johnny will explain it to you. You’ll probably take it better from him anyway,” Chan answers slowly.

She recognizes the creaking noise that she hears when Chan pushes open a door, though, and squints suspiciously. “Why are we back in the stadium? And why are you carrying our guitar?”

Now that her eyes are open, Chae can see the sweat beading on Chan’s temple as he carries both guitar cases on his left arm, dragging Chaeyoung along with his right, and she lunges to take her most prized possession from him. He dodges, and cajoles her, “Just let Johnny explain. Okay?”

She finds Mina, Jaehyun, and Lisa gathered below the stage with their manager Johnny and a stranger, a pretty albeit tired-looking woman smiling apologetically when she spots Chaeyoung. And on the stage sits four people who she’s avoided for a long time-- specifically, you right in the center, with your back turned to her as you explain something to your own bandmates. “What’s this about?”

“Chaeyoung! Hi, my name is Jisoo,” the woman introduces herself, holding her hands out in greeting. “I’m Bloodbath’s manager. We- well, the band- have a huge favor to ask of you guys.”

“Their instruments don’t work with the sound system,” Johnny intercepts. “And they want to know if they can borrow yours. One drum set, a bass, an electric guitar, and... four mics. Is that right?”

Jisoo nods vigorously, and pleads, “Just for today and tomorrow, then we’ll be out of your hair. We heard that the system here is bad, but not this bad. We’ll return everything in perfect condition, promise.”

Chaeyoung glances at the others. Mina shrugs and says, in that soft-spoken way of hers that won’t let anyone disappoint her, “We all said yes. It’s up to you.”

She’s almost about to say yes, when she feels a specific pair of eyes lingering on her. “No.”

The crushed look on Jisoo’s face almost makes her feel bad, as does the unsurprised twist of Jaehyun’s lips and the apologetic glance that Johnny casts. However, she hears from the stage, “What is your problem?”

“Excuse me?” Chaeyoung answers, switching her incredulous gaze to you, standing at the edge of the stage with your hands on your hips.

You gesture wildly at your bandmates, and exclaim, “You can’t just lend us these? We said we’d pay, and it’s not like we’re going to smash them! I swear, you Sydney College people are so pretentious, can you not be a little bit generous?”

“She knows your music school?” Lisa says dubiously.

The two of you say at the same time, with almost identical levels of anger, “We went to the same university.”

“And she,” Chaeyoung continues with a point in your general direction, “sabotaged my graduation performance.”

“I did not!” you yell. Someone places a hand on your shoulder, a heavily tattooed guy with a gentle expression that doesn’t match his intimidating appearance. You sigh. “I swear, I didn’t. And even if I did, that was five years ago. Just... pretend I’m not here, and lend us the stuff. Please.”

Chaeyoung opens her mouth to argue with you again, but realizes just how immature she seems. The only other boy on stage, a short kid with round cheeks and fluffy blue hair, looks so exhausted, and so does the girl pinching her eyebrows with the mic still in her hands. “Okay,” she finally says, and hears a quiet cheer from the tattooed guy. “But I want to stay for the rehearsal.”

You say, “What?!” at the same time as the guy says, “Yes! Yes, absolutely.”

The two of you exchange glances, Chaeyoung waiting with her arms crossed, until you roll your eyes and nod. “Thanks,” you mumble.

Mina pats Chae on the shoulder. “Hey. Don’t you need to sleep? You don’t even like their music, why are you staying for the rehearsal?”

“Minari. I love that guitar more than anything,” the Australian girl answers, with every ounce of seriousness in her body. “I’m not letting anything happen to it.”

“Suit yourself.” Contrary to Jaehyun’s dismissive tone, his eyes linger on Chaeyoung as he leaves, Chan following suit with a soft touch to her arm. Johnny stays to negotiate with Jisoo, the two of them trailing backstage, which leaves Chaeyoung to board the stage with her precious guitar in hand.

You don’t say anything as you take the case from her, with enough gentleness that she can’t say anything about it. “Is it tuned?” you ask without raising your head.

“Yes. Not a scratch,” Chaeyoung warns, watching you sling the faded canvas strap over your neck.

When you don’t respond, your members take it as their cue to introduce themselves. Tattoo guy raises his hand with a smile, already seated at Mina’s drum set. “I’m Jeongguk.”

“Jisung,” the guy holding Chan’s guitar says, tying his hair into a ridiculous bright blue ponytail. He looks a bit ridiculous in a giant sweatshirt and oversized guitar, platform sneakers disguising his height, but Chaeyoung passes on a comment.

The other girl smiles, eyes crinkling like a cat’s. “My name’s Jennie. Thanks for the equipment, by the way.”

“Sure.” Chaeyoung steps down and take a first-row seat. To your credit, you aren’t intimidated at all by her-- you take your position at the left of your diamond formation, strumming a few soft chords out of the guitar.

“Mic, one two,” Jennie says, and holds up a thumbs-up for Jisoo, who’s popped out to check on the equipment.

Maybe it’s the sleep deprivation, but Chaeyoung jumps when you shred the first note, a screeching G flat kicking off the start of the song as Jeongguk starts. And oh, god, she’s never heard a song like this from her own equipment.

And Jennie’s shouting out a line that perfectly emphasizes the grit to her tone, the notes floating weightlessly over Chaeyoung’s head as Jisung plays a gorgeous series of bass notes that Chae wishes she thought of first.

You only sing when the chorus needs a little extra kick to it, but the pink-haired girl swears that she only hears your voice. It hasn’t changed much since all the times you rivaled each other in the school showcases, but your demeanor has-- you’re no longer shy, gripping onto your scratched blue guitar for dear life. Instead, you’ve come alive with the heavy strums of Chaeyoung’s guitar, your smile glittering brilliantly under the hot stage lights and your head bobbing with the beat in tune with Jeongguk’s.

The guitar barely seems like hers anymore-- the shiny black of it, so lovingly polished, matches with your leather boots, the shape of it perfectly fitted to your hands splayed over the strings. 

She hates how raptly she pays attention, only waking up when the song ends and Jisung whoops loudly, hands held up in the air with a wide smile that shows all his teeth. “Let’s go!” Jeongguk yells too, hoisting his drumsticks up in victory.

The Australian girl hopes that the darkness of the audience is enough to cloak her as she gets up silently, taking the moment where you and Jennie’s backs are turned to talk with the two guys.

Your voice rings in her ears, and your smile aches in her heart.

“Jisung, can you go, like, the slightest bit higher on that note?” Jeongguk asks over lunch, staring intently at the phone cupped in Jennie’s hands.

“Yeah. You could probably do it if you tried, though,” Jisung sighs, chin cupped in his hands. You know that he doesn’t mean anything by it-- he knows that the drummer is making a perfectly good point. “Why don’t you take over my part in Mamma Mia tonight? Just the one song.”

Jeongguk shakes his head immediately, stuffing his mouth with a piece of bread like he tends to do when he doesn’t want to answer. Jennie sends Jisung a not-so-subtle frown, and the youngest protests, “I’m just saying! Jeongguk can sing circles around me, around all of us. No offense.”

“None taken. But you should drop the subject,” Jennie says, and you nod in agreement. “We only have one drummer.”

“Y/N can play the drums.”

“A little bit,” you sigh in exasperation with a shake of your head. “C’mon, we have a show in half an hour hours. Let’s stop.”

Jisung finally shuts up, stabbing a piece of chicken with his fork. You roll your eyes and rewind the practice video. “Do you guys think that harmony was bad?” you ask when it comes to a specific part in the bridge.

“No, it’s fine,” Jennie shrugs. Jisoo pops her head in and beckons with her hand, the cheers of the crowd already gathered in the stadium making it through the crack of the door. “Okay. Let’s go.”

“Drinks after?” Jisung suggests, and you nod.

The stage lights hit like the sun intensified by ten times, but you wave even as your eyes adjust slowly to it. “Hey guys!” Jeongguk shouts, waving both his hands.

You open your mouth and raise your mic to echo his greeting when you realize who’s lingering right about the front. It’s Chaeyoung-- you can tell even over her black mask and beanie. Her eyes flick up from her guitar, hanging around your neck, to your face, a dispassionate expression on her face.

The show goes well enough, you suppose; the crowd is hyped enough to ask for an encore, and Jisung manages to persuade Jeongguk to join the part-switch. Your fingers tap on your thigh, unoccupied as you fumble with Jennie’s lyrics, the other girl laughing as she taps out the most basic of beats. Jeongguk gives up on the guitar and focuses on Jisung’s high note (which, you have to admit, does suit his voice better).

But your eyes are always drawn back to the girl watching you from the audience. You point the mic into the audience but stare at her, and only manage to tear your eyes to interact with your members.

She’s gone by the time you say your goodbyes, bounding down the stairs with the biggest grin you’ve had in a while. “Why don’t we do this more often?” Jisung laughs, still bubbling over with energy.

“We’d die,” you deadpan, but you can’t tear the smile off your own face, either. You examine the guitar in your hands. “How much do you think one of these costs?”

“2.6 grand,” a voice answers. You look up to find Chaeyoung herself, hands stuffed in the pockets of her hoodie, mask removed to reveal a makeup-free face that looks more like the one you remember from school. “I’ll hook you up with one if you like.”

“I don’t think I make that much revenue,” you laugh, embarrassed. “You probably do, though.”

Chaeyoung joins your little quartet as you make your way to the equipment room. “What makes you say that?”

“We’ve been to your shows,” Jennie answers, glancing over. She’s untying the elaborate plait in her hair, struggling until Jisung rolls his eyes and reaches over to help. “Cost an arm and a leg, even though we were sitting pretty far away.”

“Your tickets aren’t exactly cheap either,” Chae points out with a small smile on her face. “Thank god Jisoo let me in.”

“What’d you think?” Jeongguk asks.

She considers the question, then answers, “You should sing more. I like your voice, even if it isn’t super rock-suited.”

“See!” Jisung exclaims, and Jeongguk ruffles his exquisitely styled hair. “What’re you doing backstage with us, though?” the bassist asks, glancing over at the pink-haired girl still strolling by your side.

Chaeyoung sighs. “I... have a favor to ask.”

You raise your eyebrows. “Oh. Do tell.”

“Shit.”

You sink into the couch, head in your hands; you aren’t sure if it’s bad that Chaeyoung doesn’t even smile at your torture. (She’s supposed to be your rival, after all.) “I forgot to change my email in the database,” you groan, the heels of your hands digging into your forehead.

“Well, that’s your fault,” she says, lips twisted, and you glare at her.

“Didn’t you come here to ask for my help?”

Chae sighs out through her nose, conceding the point. “We’re supposed to perform.”

“And, what? You’re here to ask me to perform with you?” you ask incredulously. “I thought you hated me.”

“I do. And that’s why I’m here to ask you not to perform.”

Your jaw falls slack in pure shock; as much as Chaeyoung hates you for your short-lived rivalry in music school, you never held a grudge against her for all the usurped opportunities. In school, you thought she was nice, in fact, and just assumed that she was intimidated by you or not social. But after your debut, and all the times she refused to even clap or smile at your performances, you realized that it was all wishful thinking.

“Shut the fuck up,” you say on instinct. “No. I won’t just not perform at my own goddamn reunion. Park Chaeyoung, I am going to show you the fuck up at that show, and I am going to show everyone that I am better than you.”

Chaeyoung shrugs, and rolls her eyes as she gathers herself to her feet. “Suit yourself. And by the way,” she calls over her shoulder, “your voice crack in Sweet Chaos was pretty bad.”

You slam the door after her.

Jeongguk frowns at you disapprovingly as you do your best at replicating Jennie’s puppy-dog eyes. “Why me?” he whines, his new lip ring shifting as he matches your pout.

“Because you’re a really good singer!” you smile, batting your eyelashes. “And you’re hot! All the girls are going to be swooning over you. I want the social advantage of bringing the hottest possible duet partner.”

“They’d swoon over Jisung too. Probably more so over Jen,” he points out.

You wave your hand in the air. “Jisung’s too young for them to swoon over.”

“He’s in his twenties.”

“And three years younger than everyone there,” you continue, as if Jeongguk never talked at all. “And Jennie’s too hot.”

“Thanks,” he says sarcastically. “Your point?”

“My point is that I want you to come with me. C’mon, don’t you want to not drum for once? You love all those ballads, come and play them with me in front of a bunch of people who are going to fall head over heels for you,” you plead. 

Jeongguk huffs out a breath. “What if we rapped?”

You blink. “What?”

“What if we rap?” he repeats. “We’ve never rapped in any of our songs. We could do, like, Trivium or something if you really want a shock factor.”

“Both Jen and Jisung are better than us at rapping,” you point out.

Jeongguk waves it away, and says, “Then you ask one of them to do it with you. But rapping would be a huge shock, if you really wanted to wow Chaeyoung and our fans.”

You scowl. “Who said I wanted to wow Chaeyoung? There’s, like, thousands of people attending the damn thing.”

The eyebrow that serves as your only response aggravates you enough to smack him over the head. “Shut up.”

“I’m just saying,” Jeongguk hums, flashing you the sweet smile that contrasts so much with his all-black attire and the tattoos you can’t even count anymore. “You could also just bring all of us and make it our concert.”

“No, all of you are coming no matter what. I’m a celebrity,” you drawl sarcastically, slinging an arm over the drummer’s shoulder. “But you aren’t getting a drum set if we all perform together. You’re singing.”

Jeongguk rolls his eyes and shoves you off playfully, getting up from the couch to pour out some more honey tea for your throat. “Yeah, yeah. When is it?”

“That’s... the thing. It’s next week,” you smile weakly.

He whips his head to you, eyes wide. “What?!”

Mina shakes her head when Chaeyoung holds up a pair of excessively ripped tights, pouting her lips in disapproval. “Are you trying to scandalize your entire class?”

“We were music students,” Chae deadpans, but picks a different jacket.

“That’s better. What are we performing again?”

The Australian girl purses her lips and says first, “I’ll tell you, but you can’t judge me. I have my reasons.”

Mina raises an eyebrow. “Okay...?”

“We’re playing Love Me or Leave Me. By Bloodbath.”

“Oh. Oh, no,” the drummer says immediately, sitting up and staring at Chaeyoung with an incredulous expression on her face. “I thought you hated Bloodbath! Besides, that’s not our concept and you know it, I don’t even know if we can pull that song off.”

Chae holds her hands up in surrender, pleading, “Hear me out! The notes aren’t too bad, and Lisa says she’s already learned the entire bass part for fun. And Chan’s been dying to do a rock song, and I’m sure you can do it. We’re gonna go viral.”

“Is that your only motivation for singing a song by our rival?” Mina scrutinizes Chaeyoung, her uncanny ability to read her bandmates’ thoughts shining through her usually mellow eyes. “No. You want to show everyone that you’re better than Y/N, don’t you?”

“So what if I do?” The pink-haired girl crosses her arms tight and avoids the other girl’s eyes; truth be told, she hasn’t even told Chan what’s she’s planning to do, knowing fully well that he’s going to psychoanalyze her even harder than Mina is. Jaehyun doesn’t really give a shit, nor does Lisa; it’s these two and their mothering tendencies that worry her.

But Mina blows out an exasperated breath, and concedes, “It’s your reunion. I’ll start practicing on the trip home.”

“Thank you!” Chaeyoung grins, exhilarated.

She’s determined to prove that it’s a good idea-- to her members, to her fans, and more specifically, you. Chaeyoung is determined to prove that she’s always going to win.

To be completely honest, you can barely believe how quickly the week flies by, a whirlwind of no sleep and staying up late to rehearse your parts with Jennie and Jisung. 

“Hoseok sunbaenim must never breathe,” Jisung complains, bending over after spitballing half the verse in one breath. 

“Hey, I got Yoongi’s parts. Yoongi,” Jennie repeats for emphasis, drumming her fingers on her mic as she tries to return her heartbeat to normal. She glares at Jeongguk in the corner, who declined to perform after all, despite assigning you the most difficult Trivium song he could find. 

 “You suit his style,” Jeongguk shrugs by way of explanation, an infuriating grin on his face as he twirls his drumsticks. “Jisung’s young, too, so he has the energy for Hoseok’s verses.”

Jisung scowls. “I’m 21.”

“Whatever.”

“Guys, guys. Do we have outfits picked?” you ask, partially to break them up and partially because you only just remembered the detail.

“Aren’t we just reusing our black suits from last year’s AMAs performance?” Jennie asks, frowning.

“Oh. Yeah.”

Lifting his head from where he squats on the floor, Jisung calls out, “Don’t be nervous. We’re gonna be great. I bet half of your classmates have already been to one of our shows, anyway.”

You roll your eyes but don’t try to argue, rehearsing the mic flip movement that you’ve tried too hard to mess up. “Okay. We’re still going to the open mic after, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Jeongguk confirms, holding his thumbs up. “Let’s do this.”

“Chaeyoung!” Jihyo exclaims at the entrance, bounding over with her characteristic huge grin and a warm hug. “You came!”

“Of course I did, I wouldn’t miss this for the world,” Chae smiles, patting Jihyo’s back. She only has good memories with the other girl from school-- the two of them collaborated on so many performances that all made #1 that it’s hard to not remember her well. “You coordinated?”

“I sure did,” Jihyo nods proudly. She glimmers all over with her subtly glittery jumpsuit and not-so-subtle eye makeup, gems shining at her ears and in the dip of her collarbone. “I can’t believe how many celebrities have come. Including you. Cha Eunwoo is here!”

Jaehyun, behind Chaeyoung, lets out a small “whoa”. “Anyway, I won’t keep you. Come on in, I look forward to your performance! Your equipment is all backstage, if you want to check it.”

The five of them head in as one tightly knit cluster, all of their jaws dropping at the beautiful venue, glistening with sheer streamers flung all over and violet LED lights illuminating the stage that serves as the centerpiece of it all. Indeed, Chaeyoung recognizes many faces, not just from school, but from the silver screen or from various music award shows. There’s one face that she doesn’t spot, though, and she just assumes that you’re running late. Like you always have.

Chae turns to find Jaehyun already enthusiastically talking to Yugyeom. Lisa has disappeared into a throng of the Loona members, Mina sneaking back out to talk to Jihyo, and Chan-- Chan’s with a squirrel-cheeked boy, talking enthusiastically about some Trivium song.

The pink-haired girl’s eyes narrow. If she isn’t mistaken, that’s Jisung from Bloodbath-- which means that you have to be around here somewhere.

“Looking for me?”

Chaeyoung hates how quickly she turns around, but she almost gives herself whiplash as she shifts her gaze to you, looking excessively smug in your dark makeup and impeccable outfit. “No,” she hisses.

“Sure, sure,” you smile, taking the seat beside her without being invited. “Fun being back here, huh? Minghao flew all the way in from China. Remember that stage we did against you guys?”

“That was 5 years ago,” Chaeyoung rolls her eyes. “You haven’t won against me outside of school.”

“Sure,” you shrug, then lean in with a knowing look in your eyes. “You’re still pretty bothered by things that happened five years ago, though.”

Before she gets to respond with something that probably wouldn’t help her case by much anyway, Jihyo clears her throat on stage, waving for everyone’s attention as the spotlight shines on her. To Chaeyoung’s dismay, the table that the two of you share is filled up by all of your members, minus Mina. “-- and welcome to our reunion!” Jihyo cheers, the first half of her statement having been drowned out by Chae’s own thoughts. “And because we are former music students, and most of us are now accomplished musicians in our own right, we’ve asked a lot of you to prepare a stage with any of your guests. So, first... A.C.E?”

You cheer and clap when Chan and his members step up (why did you never cheer like that for Chaeyoung?) and lean back to enjoy the performance. Your eyes never stray to Chae even once, which she only knows because she still can’t tear her eyes away from you.

A surprisingly small amount of people actually sign up for a stage (though Chaeyoung bets that more will step up for casual reunion stages later), and before she knows it, Chan is tugging her backstage to start prepping. “You okay? You look a little out of it.”

“I’m fine,” she smiles tightly. She thinks of making you stare at her, wide-eyed and jealous, or even just with awe shining in your eyes. She thinks of your hands on her guitar, so much better suited than hers ever were, of your voice singing all the lines that she’s about to usurp, of your condescending grins all those times you won against her. 

But all those thoughts disappear as soon as Chaeyoung steps up and takes her spot right in the center, her eyes trained right on you and the smirk that tells her, “I’m watching.”

And she starts to play.

“It's all up to you. I have no choice but to watch.”

You almost spit out the soda that you just gulped down when Chaeyoung’s voice first floats into the audience; or more specifically, her voice singing your part in your song. 

Those chords sound again, those oh-so-familiar chords from months and months of composing and practicing, strummed by Chaeyoung on her acoustic guitar as she continues your verse. “Whether to finish it or not, it's all up to you now.”

“Wow,” Jisung whispers beside you when Jaehyun continues with his verse, crooning into the mic with a pretty dimpled smile. You only nod to agree with your bandmate.

It’s your song, that’s for sure-- it’s Love Me Or Leave me, just a bit more upbeat, with less emphasis on the drums than Jeongguk would use. (You don’t know how Mina managed to get a drum set in.) But it feels different to see someone else singing it, someone who’s claimed to hate your band and your music for years-- someone who’s claimed ot hate you.

Maybe you’re imagining it, but after every few passes over the crowd, Chaeyoung’s eyes settle on you. Her hair settles over her eyes, gleaming a bubblegum color in the yellow light as her voice soars, hitting every high note effortlessly. “I've endured it for quite a while, the coldness in your eyes and words.”

You finish each lyric in your head, and you can see Jennie mouthing along with an amazed expression on her face. Jisung claps his hands silently, Jeongguk unconsciously drums on his own thighs; you’re rapt with attention, and maybe just a little bit of an unexplainable feeling twisting in your stomach.

“That was L0VES1CK, performing Love Me or Leave Me by Bloodbath! And, what a coincidence-- Y/N, lead guitarist in Bloodbath, has a performance scheduled as well,” Jihyo smiles, beckoning you. “We’ll check in with Bloodbath after two more performances.”

You get up, numb, Chaeyoung’s voice still lingering in your head, her eyes still on you. And on a moment’s impulse, you tug Jeongguk to his feet as well, ignoring his surprised stare. “Change of plans,” you mumble.

Chaeyoung’s nails break skin about halfway through your first verse. She’s not imagining it-- you’re staring right at her as you belt, “Your bullet bullet bullet, I’ll take it anytime if this is what you want~”

It makes it worse to see Lisa cheer when Jennie starts her part, to see Chan raise his hands to encourage Jisung’s killer riff. Even Jaehyun and Mina cup their hands around their mouths and whoop from time to time-- Chae has to admit that it’s your best song to perform to date, engaging enough to make every former classmate in the room stand up and yell the lyrics.

“That’s even better, it's too familiar now. If this makes you feel better, just shoot me.”

You scrunch your face up playfully as you interact with Jennie, picking a stunning series of notes in tune with her chorus. Jeongguk goes so hard that Chae isn’t even sure that the drumsticks will survive the night.

Does she look like that? Does she look like you? Does L0VES1CK look like Bloodbath, their junior of two years when they perform? Because as she watches, Chaeyoung doesn’t even remember the exhilaration she felt when she herself was standing up on that stage.

She manages to stay seated for the entire song, but as soon as you strike the ending chord and crouch down, laughing despite all your breath having escaped you, Chae gets up and slips through the door. No one notices it, anyway, and she plops down on the side of the curb and flicks her lighter on again.

Ribbons of dark gray smoke float through the void of dark sky outside, a ring of red lipstick remaining on the cigarette. Chaeyoung coughs, then grinds it to ashes under the heel of her boot; she doesn’t want to leave too much of a smell.

“Since when do you smoke?”

“Since L0VES1CK debuted,” she answers drily, knowing fully well who’s coming to sit next to her. You hold your hand out, and Chae bats you away. “I’m not enabling you.”

You roll your eyes and bring your knees up to your chest. “You guys did good, you know. I haven’t heard such a good cover of our song yet.”

She casts a surprised glance at you after the compliment. You aren’t meeting her gaze, but you always did have a problem with complimenting anyone other than yourself. “You think so?”

“I mean, yeah. You are still our sunbaes,” you answer with a small smile. “Those two years really show.”

“In our exhaustion, maybe. You guys are so energetic. Makes me feel old.”

“We’re the same age,” you scoff. You lean back, palms pressing into the rough concrete; if you squint enough, the swirls of smoke almost look like clouds. “You know, you’re going to ruin your voice if you keep at it.”

Chaeyoung raises an eyebrow. “What, smoking? Since when have you cared? I’m pretty sure it’s better for you if my voice is ruined and I can never sing again.”

Even she winces at the bitterness in her voice. “I mean, our bands aren’t so much rivals anymore. Did you see how excited Jisung was when you guys sang our song?” Shaking your head fondly, you sigh, “I wish I’d picked one of yours.”

“Oh, yeah? What would you have done?”

You consider the question, then answer softly, “I’ve always had a soft spot for Rooftop. Jennie loves Moonshot, too. You know, I wasn’t originally planning on Shoot Me.”

“That explains the lack of backtrack. What’d you replace?”

“Ddaeng. By Trivium, I don’t know if you know them?” you ask, glancing over.

Chae rolls her eyes and laughs, “Who doesn’t know Trivium? Best day of my life was when Namjoon presented an award for us. I didn’t know you could rap.”

“I can’t really,” you say dismissively. “It was just for fun. But I thought Shoot Me was going to be a good response to Love Me or Leave Me. We are a rock band, anyway.”

She doesn’t respond to that, and you let out a breath. “You know, I never thought you hated me in school. I do now, of course.”

“You do?”

“How can I not? I mean, you literally said, and I quote, ‘Bloodbath is a bunch of wannabes, especially the lead guitar. Her voice is really nothing special.’“

Chaeyoung winces. “Yeah. That was immature.”

“That was an understatement,” you snort. “But I never hated you. I wanted you to like me, you know. I thought you were so cool when I transferred in, and I thought you’d like me more if I proved to you that I was just as good as you.”

“You’re better,” she says quietly.

“What?”

The pink-haired girl presses her lips together in a thin line before repeating, “You’re better. You always have been.”

“Yeah, well, tell that to our names on the leaderboard. We tied so much,” you smile nostalgically. “It was so exhausting, though.”

Yet again, you surprise Chaeyoung. As far as she can remember, she’s never seen you cry-- she’s only seen your triumphant, sometimes sardonic grin when you win, your stone-cold promises that you’re not going to fall. Without her prompting, you continue, chin cupped in your hand, “I just wanted to be as good as you were. You... you’re so talented. I think I knew that as soon as I heard you sing for the first time. All I had was that wish to be up on the stage like you, even if my hands were too dumb to handle my guitar like you did, even if my voice was too ordinary to make you notice me. All I had was effort, but no matter how much of it I had, it didn’t equal your talent.”

“What’s talent without effort?” You turn to look her in the eyes, surprised at the new tenderness in her eyes. Chae sighs. “As soon as I saw you, I found a kind of... hunger in you. It scared me, because people with the kind of drive you have surpass talent so easily.”

“So you hate me... because you were scared of me?”

“I don’t think I ever hated you,” Chaeyoung admits. I think I always wanted you to like me too is what she doesn’t say, but you accept her closing statement and stand, brushing your hands on your jeans before offering to pull her up. 

It’s not that easy, to overcome all the resentment she’s built up over the years against you, so brilliant and so strong even if it wasn’t what you really felt. But for once, that hot hatred is gone from her chest, no longer pumping through her blood into the hand that holds yours.

Chaeyoung can count on one hand the hours of sleep that she’s gotten by the end of the week. Between rehearsing endlessly for the reunion and then for the last two shows of the tour and texting you in all her free time, the guitarist is basically living off of her will alone.

And, of course, there’s the constant insecurity weighing on her mind that maybe she’s not cut out for this life anymore. After 5 years of L0VES1CK, maybe Chae finally needs a break, needs some time to nurse that “talent” that you tried to convince her has always shined in her eyes.

Nonetheless, she’s beaming from ear to ear as she steps off the stage, tearing her in-ear out so that she can wrap her arms around the necks of Lisa and Mina. “That’s the end!” she cheers, and Chan raises a fist with a tired smile.

“30 shows. I am so tired,” he groans, rubbing the back of his neck. “What are you guys doing once you get home?”

“I have a date,” Mina says, blushing immediately when her bandmates turn to look at her in shock. “It’s nothing! Just Jihyo,” she insists, but the giddiness to her voice betrays her.

Chan sighs, cupping his face jokingly. “You and Chaeyoung? I was planning on going home and writing a new song.”

“It’s not a date,” Chae protests on impulse, earning an eyeroll from everyone else.

“I have one,” Lisa says, cackling when Chan turns a betrayed gaze to her. “I’m going to Jennie’s show. How about you, Chae?”

“I’m... not going to do anything related to singing,” she answers honestly. She’s a bit self-conscious as she says, “I’m just a bit burnt out, you know? My voice... the show hasn’t been kind.”

“Oh, of course,” Mina nods, squeezing her shoulder. “Maybe a break would be good for all of us. Let’s postpone the next practice for a month?”

Chaeyoung opens her mouth to agree, but notices that one of their five is missing. “Guys. Where’s Jaehyun?”

As if he’s been called, Johnny appears out of nowhere, with an uncharacteristically grim set to his jaw. “Guys, come on in. We need to talk.” The four walk in like ghosts, doom already pressing down on their mood even as they know nothing of what’s to come. 

Jaehyun avoids their eyes as he says quietly, “I’m leaving the band.”

Despite knowing that it’s not the right time, Chae’s eyes open wide, and she practically shouts, “What?”

“I just... I wanted to tell you guys for so long. But we scheduled the tour, and I thought I could do it, but... I don’t think this is the right path for me anymore,” he whispers softly. 

It feels like someone’s just sucker-punched Chaeyoung in the gut; as much as she loves all her members, Jaehyun is the one she started with. He’s the one born barely three days later than her, the one who busked with her despite going to different colleges, the one who came up with the idea to start a band at all. Never did she think that he’d beat her to the chase, and never did she think about continuing the band without him.

Tears are already slipping down Mina’s face, but she’s holding her tongue. Chan’s face is hidden in his hands, and Lisa has buried her face in his shoulder just so that she doesn’t have to look at everyone else. 

Chae whispers, “Jaehyun... please think about this. We can’t continue without you. We always said we were five, right? Please. We can take a break, we can, uh, stop taking tours for a moment, we can switch genres. Anything.”

It takes a moment for her to realize that her voice has risen, and Mina is crying harder. But she needs to be angry, someone needs to be angry. Chaeyoung can’t bear the sight of everyone only crying, of no one doing anything to keep themselves together. She’s reaching out and she’s shaking Jaehyun, and no amount of rage can keep her voice from sounding robotic.

“I’ll think about it,” he promises, and Chae almost cries out of relief. “But. I can’t promise how long it’ll be.”

“We’ll wait. Okay?” Chan says, even though his own voice is thick with tears. Jaehyun nods and wipes his face aggressively in his sleeve, and Chaeyoung steps back to let Mina have her turn at hugging the pianist.

One step back turns into ten, and then she’s out of the room, sinking to the floor just opposite of the door. God, Chae is crying so hard that she can’t breathe, and her hands are shaking as they reach towards her back pocket. Her fingers are stuck between the cigarette box and her car keys, between paper and metal, between warm and cold.

Her fingers wrap around the keys, and then she’s running again.

“Oh my god! Are you Y/N Y/L/N?”

You smile, cringing inside as the fan holds a phone right in your face, her eyes shining brilliantly. “Yeah. Yes, I am.”

“You’re so gorgeous!” she screams, jumping up and down. If there wasn’t a countertop between the two of you, you think that she’d try to hug you or something similar. “Is Jeongguk here? Can I get a picture with him? Can I get a picture with you? Do you work here all the time?”

“Uh, no. I’m just working here today as a favor,” you lie, “and sorry. I’d rather not take pictures today. Jeongguk isn’t here either.”

Her enthusiasm dies immediately. “What’s wrong with a simple picture?” she asks, growing angry.

You refrain from saying that she’s been recording this whole time, only smiling tightly. Before you can even settle on what to do, though, you here a deep voice rumbling behind you. “I’m sorry, but if you aren’t going to order, I’ll have to ask you to leave. I don’t tolerate harassment of my employees, temporary or not.”

She scowls and tosses out a “fucking bitch!” as she leaves, and you sigh in relief before turning to Felix, whose face has morphed back into a sunny smile again, and Changbin, still scowling. You can always rely on Felix’s (overtly) deep voice to save you, and you’re sure that Changbin’s gym-trained muscle doesn’t hurt either. “Thanks, guys.”

“Anytime. Seriously, though, when you said you were in a band, I didn’t think you were that famous,” Changbin complains, turning back to the sink he fiddles with. “Jisung was bad enough in our underground days, and now we’re here.”

Felix laughs, high-pitched and happy, as he returns to his mop. Before long, the door jingles again, and you duck under the counter without another thought, leaving Changbin to stare incredulously down at you. “Uh. Is Y/N here?”

At the familiar voice, you bolt up again, turning around immediately to find a red-eyed Chaeyoung waiting for you. Your eyebrows knit together in concern. “Chae? What happened?”

She huffs out a breath, running her hands through her hair. She looks post-show, glittery tear tracks running down her face and studded boots still on, and you recall that she did have a concert not even an hour ago. “When do you get off?” Chae asks.

You raise an eyebrow at Changbin, who rushes to open the door for you. “Right now,” you say boldly, and take her by the elbow. “Are you okay?”

“I’m... I don’t think so,” she admits. It’s been a while since you’ve seen her-- the two of you were tentatively scheduled to go for coffee on neutral ground this weekend, but you’re more focused on being there for her while she needs it. “We’re disbanding. L0VES1CK, I mean.”

“What!? Why?”

Chaeyoung shrugs, having been successfully manhandled into the backseat of her team van again. “Jaehyun. He... he founded the band with me, and he wants to leave the band. I persuaded him to take a few months to think about it, but I feel like we’re over. Which is stupid, because I wanted to take a break too, but not like this.” She draws in a breath, and whispers, “Not like this.”

You place a hand on hers, a sad sigh leaving you lips. “Chae. It’s okay. You can feel bad about it even if you wanted to take a break too. Look... I don’t know Jaehyun very well, but I get the feeling that he really cares about you guys. I don’t think you’re over just like this.”

She stares at you through black-rimmed eyes, and you continue, “You’ve been working nonstop for five years. Maybe... take this as a blessing in disguise, right? Rest for the few months he needs, and keep checking in. You guys are still friends, he’ll either come back or tell you why. And you’ll feel better when either one of those happens.”

“What if he doesn’t come back?”

You shrug slightly. “Then he doesn’t. But you’ll still be friends, and you’ll figure out how to keep the band going if that’s what you still want. Do you still want to be in L0VES1CK?”

Chaeyoung nods. “Yeah. I really, really do. I’ve never known anything other than us, but...”

“But?”

“We’re not doing that well,” she says quietly. “Even as friends. We all feel kinda distant, especially me. And it’s my fault, because I insisted on being enemies with you for so long.”

Raising your eyebrows, you point at yourself. “What does being enemies with me have to do with it?”

“I mean, Lisa and Jennie are dating. Chan and Jisung used to rap together, and everyone else is on good terms. I was trying to pull them away because you made me insecure,” she confesses. “I did it all.”

“You did not do it all,” you respond, a bit forcefully. “Look, maybe your relationship is strained. But that doesn’t mean it’s unfixable, and it doesn’t mean it’s because of you. You guys love each other, a hiccup doesn’t just end that. You... okay. Here, I’ll drive you home, and then we’re going to watch some movies and forget about this for now. And then you’re going to talk rationally with them tomorrow about what to do,” you explain, unbuckling your seatbelt so you can move to the front.

Chae exhales shakily and squeezes your hand one last time before letting you drive. You turn the radio on, something cheesy and from the 2000s, and sing just a little bit, and Chaeyoung wonders how she could’ve ever hated you.

Somehow, Chaeyoung sleeps until noon, lulled to a kind of comfort that she hasn’t felt in all her years of tour bus beds and hotel rooms. The curtains are still drawn when she shuffles to the window; the reality only hits when she’s blinded by a bright white beam of light and a view that she doesn’t recognize.

In the sunshine, your room is much more apparently foreign; the bed is pushed up in a corner instead of in the middle, the walls covered in pictures of you and your members and posters from various tours. Chae barely suppresses a smile as she opens the door, poking her head out.

Unfortunately, the door opens right into the kitchen, where you stand, examining a packet of noodles suspiciously. “You’re awake,” you say dumbly. “Uh. How’re you feeling?”

“Fine, I guess.” Chaeyoung closes the door behind her quietly. There’s still a palpable awkwardness between the two of you now that she isn’t choking on her own tears and you aren’t being forced to console her; the guitarist supposes that all the years of enmity can’t be solved with a quick confession of long-standing crushes. “Are you making breakfast?”

You shake your head. “Lunch.”

She frown and runs a hand through her hair; belatedly, Chae realizes that the product from the last night’s concert is still stuck there, even if she did manage to remove her makeup before falling asleep. “Was I asleep that long? Sorry.”

“No, you’re good. I hope you’re okay with ramen, though, I forgot to go grocery shopping,” you smile, embarrassed.

Chaeyoung shrugs, “It’s fine. I can’t really cook either. Uh, could I use your shower?”

You nod and point down the hallway; Chaeyoung realizes that you must’ve slept in the couch, since the tiny apartment has exactly one bathroom and a room she occupied. Noting her imminent apology, you grin, “You can borrow more clothes of mine if you want. It’s kind of hot to see you in them.”

She grimaces, even though she doesn’t really mind. “I’ll put on yesterday’s, thanks. I should be getting home, anyway.”

“Alright. You can camp out here if you want to avoid them, though,” you say through a mouthful of chips, suddenly back to being thoughtful.

Chae glances back at you with a frown creasing the space between her immaculately done eyebrows. “How much did I tell you?”

“Enough.” You shrug, then say plainly, “I don’t hate you enough to broadcast your inner circle shit, though. I can promise you that.”

Instead of responding, the pink-haired girl fidgets with the jacket in her arms and asks, “You don’t mind if I stay here for another day? Just one.”

A small smile makes its way onto your face, lingering there for what Chaeyoung considers to not be enough time before you turn to work with your stove. “I don’t. I do have to supervise an open mic tonight, though, so you’ll kind of have to go if you’re intending on staying with me.”

“That’s fine. I hope there aren’t any cameras in the bathroom, or I’ll sue you.”

Your cackle echoes after her, later drowned out by the roar of your furnace. Chaeyoung lets herself crack a small smile before closing the door in on herself yet again.

As it turns out, your definition of letting Chaeyoung stay with you is ordering her around and sending her on errands until you’re ready to leave for open mic night. However, the guitarist can’t say that she hates it, even if she complains and tosses plastic bags at your head every chance she gets; maybe you know that she’d only feel worse if she were to lounge around at your expense.

She drives you to pick your car up at Changbin’s cafe as agreed, then follows you to the bar at which open mic night is being hosted. By the time she steps out of the car, you’re already conversing with a tall guy with a kind smile at the entrance.

Chae’s intercepted by a pretty guy barely taller than her, with a suspicious look on his face. “Sorry, but open mic night hasn’t started yet.”

“Minho, let up. She’s with me,” you call, and Chaeyoung tries to disguise the pleasant buzz she feels at the phrase. “Chaeyoung, this is Seokjin, he owns the bar. He’s friends with Jeongguk.”

Chaeyoung shakes hands with Seokjin and then with Minho, who’s now adopted a more pleasant smile. Again, you’ve started talking about all your plans for the event, your tone business-like and your expressions just as animated as when you’re performing; you disappear to take care of something eventually, leaving Chaeyoung at the bar with Minho, who makes nice enough conversation that she doesn’t really mind.

And eventually, people start to straggle in, the guitars slung over their backs or the crumpled papers in their hands making their purpose quite obvious. Jisung and Jeongguk join Chaeyoung at the bar, and she finds that she actually quite likes them, with the weight of your rivalry off her back.

She’s never really gotten the chance to just be there, not the center of attention or not struggling to keep her friend group together. Conversation is light and easy when she doesn’t know the people well, and with the various performances that start lining up, Chaeyoung finds a relaxation that’s begun to become foreign to her. 

“Hey, guys. How is everything?”

Jisung smiles and offers you a fresh beer. “Great. You’re really good at this organization thing, Y/N.”

“Do you do this often?” Chae asks, sipping at her own specialty cocktail. “Like, on your breaks?”

You shake your head, “We don’t really take breaks, but we don’t work as much as you guys do either. I’ve just started to do this stuff after Jisung introduced me to it and Jeongguk took me to this bar. I think it’s nice, to watch young people sing like we used to.”

“We’re in our twenties, Y/N, we’re not in the senior home,” Jeongguk snickers. He glances over at Chaeyoung. “Are you going to perform today?”

She shakes her head, a familiar tightness settling over her chest again. Thankfully, you intercept, “If she did, she’d never leave the stage. We’d only want to hear her sing. Hey, Chae, would you mind coming outside with me to pick up some cookies from the bakery? It’s just a few blocks.”

The guitarist takes the opportunity gratefully, stepping out with a cursory wave to Jeongguk and Jisung. “You okay?” you ask, once you’re in the cold night air again. “You looked a little overwhelmed.”

“I’m surprised you noticed. But I’m fine.”

You laugh slightly, “How could I not? For, like, the eight years that we’ve known each other, you’ve only ever looked overwhelmed or angry around me.”

Chaeyoung winces, and you sigh with a wave of your hand. “Sorry, I don’t mean to make you feel bad.”

“No, no. It’s the truth. Us saying that we just wanted to be liked doesn’t make it go away,” she sighs softly.

Suddenly, you break from the cobblestoned path in the plaza, leaping towards a lamppost just a few feet away. Chaeyoung realizes that you’re reaching into your pocket and pulling out a flyer, advertising your next album showcase. “Already?” she asks.

“Mhm. Jisung churns out songs like it’s nothing, and we just try to have fun with them,” you shrug, twirling around the lamppost with your head tipped back. It doesn’t snow in winter, so maybe Chae is just imagining the bokeh that float around your head. “You okay? You’re out of it again.”

“Hm? Yeah. I was just... just thinking. What did you mean when you said that you wanted me to like you?” she questions on impulse.

You blink, surprised, and come to a stop. “I mean, you were the cool star student, of course I wanted you to like me. I wanted you think I was talented.”

The disappointment that courses through Chaeyoung’s body is honestly kind of stupid. She doesn’t know what she expected, and she smiles; she can’t deny that she did feel the same way. “Just that?”

“Well. No. I had, like, the tiniest of a crush on you throughout school,” you shrug. The shiftiness to your gaze betrays that you aren’t as nonchalant as you’re trying to seem. “Went away after I thought you hated me. Sorry.”

“Right. But you... you wanted to date me? In school?”

You smile, amused. “Yeah. That’s what a crush usually means.”

Chaeyoung swallows, hard. It doesn’t make sense-- why is this so hard? Why is everything so hard when it comes to you? “How about now? Would you- would you still go on a date with me now?”

Of course, you don’t make it any easier, coming to a stop and leaning against the lamppost with your hands in your pockets. “Ask me and see.”

She steps forward, then back, then forward again. It’s a stupid little dance, but one that you anticipate, judging by the way that you tilt your chin up and stare at her. So, before Chaeyoung can chicken out again, she steps up on the base of the lamppost too, presses you flush against it, and captures your lips with her own.

You smile and cock your head slightly to fit a little closer together, as if you always knew how to do just this. As if you had always been waiting to do just this.

Chaeyoung wakes up at seven in the morning to the frantic buzzing of her phone. In her daze, she notices that she’s in your bed, and she’s alone; the door to the bedroom is cracked open so that she can see you sleeping soundly on the couch, the curtains drawn so that you’re still in total darkness.

After a thought, Chae picks up on the call. It’s Lisa, though everyone including Johnny has tried to call her already. “Hello?” she whispers.

“Chae! You’re okay!” the girl says, a bit too loud for a phone call.

“Yeah. I am. Sorry for making you all worry, I’m at Y/N’s place. Um... we should talk.”

Lisa agrees, “We should. We’re all still at the practice room, so we’ll wait for you.”

Chaeyoung hangs up at that, getting out of bed as quietly as she can and arranging your comforter so that it’s neater than she found it. A small pang of guilt touches her heart when she realizes that she’s going to leave without an explanation, but Chae knows that you and your budding relationship are both better off if she settles things first.

She drives with a clear head now, even managing to hum to Jihyo’s song on the radio. (She makes a mental note to text her friend and compliment her, maybe even ask for a collaboration.)

Miraculously, the record shop that they usually practice in is already open, a few hours early; Chaeyoung realizes that her members must have stayed there overnight, hoping that she’d return to her old favorite stop.

Indeed, the store smells lightly of coffee, the lights in the back studio on and soft chatter trailing down the hallway. Lisa spots her first, and rushes to hug her tightly. “You’re okay,” she says, despite having already confirmed it.

“I’m sorry,” Chae whispers again. 

Eventually, she pries the bassist away from her long enough to join the other members in the studio. Mina, Chan, and finally Jaehyun all offer her hugs, quietly telling her how worried they were. Chaeyoung’s heart aches that she concerns them so much now, and she tells them that.

Chan waves it away with a forgiving smile, despite being the youngest out of all of them. “It’s okay. We’re your bandmates, and it’s our duty to worry about you.”

“Yeah, but... how long are we going to be bandmates?” The others all stiffen at that, and Chae clarifies, “I’m worried for us. I don’t... I don’t think any of us want to do this without one of us, even if we aren’t that close anymore.”

Lisa folds her arms, and shrugs, “I think a break could be good for all of us. But I don’t want to give up.”

“I don’t either,” Jaehyun finally says, sheepishly rubbing the back of his neck. “I’m sorry you all thought so. I love L0VES1CK, it’s just been 5 years of nonstop working and performing.”

“I agree,” Chaeyoung nods, and all eyes turn to her.

“You do?” Mina frowns. “You were the one who was always adamant on continuing.”

The pink-haired girl shrugs, a bit embarrassed. She sighs, “It was... partially because of Y/N. It was horrible of me to drag you all into it, but I thought that if we always kept going, I’d be able to beat her someday. It wasn’t a competition at all, was it?”

They all shake their heads, and Chae continues, “If I’m being honest, I’m tired too. But we’re going to be friends even while we’re taking a break, right? However long it takes.”

“However long it takes,” Lisa agrees, and holds her hand out with the beaming smile that’s been missing for a while. “One, two, three!”

Everyone flings their hands up into the air with huge grins on their faces, laughter echoing in the room that minimizes the effect of the dark circles under their eyes. Just on time, Chaeyoung’s phone rings again, and she greets cheerily, “Who is it?”

“Well, don’t you sound chipper. It’s Y/N. Judging by your voice, everything is all good again, so I’m happy,” you hum over the line. “I’m just calling because my members and I are going to get breakfast, in case you want to come. Jisoo’s going to be there too.”

The guitarist raises her eyebrows at everyone else. “How about all of us?”

“-- and then Chaeyoung tells me, while crying, that Y/N took her second choice song,” Jaehyun finishes, laughing hard when you turn an incredulous look to Chae. “Seriously! Her second choice!”

“What if I wanted to switch?” Chaeyoung defends lamely, only earning a louder round of laughter from the eight others seated around the table. The food is practically finished, only Jeongguk still picking at a sundae, and it makes the guitarist uncannily happy to see everyone seated together and grinning at the stories.

“I think Y/N told me about this!” Jisung exclaims, sitting forward conspiratorially with his elbows on the table. You hide your face in your hands already, and Jennie grins brilliantly. “She said you were hot when you were angry, but she knew she would’ve been penalized for picking your first choice, so she picked your second to see if you could punch her. And, I quote, “I would’ve paid her to step on me.’”

You smack him, shoulders shaking with suppressed laughter, but the rest of the table isn’t nearly so considerate. Lisa and Jisoo are cackling, Mina’s eyes bugging out of her head as she tries to hide her laughter, and Chae is staring at you with her jaw dropped. You manage to say shakily, “I was being honest, okay? And I never thought he’d get the chance to tell you!”

Jisung grins and holds up peace signs, and you throw a french fry at him. “Jaehyun, please tell me you have an embarrassing story,” you plead.

Chan raises his hand, but thinks better of it when he checks his watch. “Actually, I think Mina has to get going.”

The drummer raises her eyebrows, then bolts up. She smiles apologetically, “I forgot I had a flight. I’m going back to Japan to visit my family while we’re on break.”

You collectively wave, then Jennie raises her eyebrows as she turns back to the table. “You guys are on a break?”

Chaeyoung nods, not bitter for what just might be the first time in the past five years. “Yeah. It’s about time, I think. Besides, knowing Chan, he’s going to ask us to record a demo every other week.”

Said producer rolls his eyes but can’t deny it, and you sigh with your chin in your hands. “Jisung doesn’t even ask us to record demos. He just does it all himself.”

Jeongguk raises an accusing fork. “You should’ve heard the time he tried to record a drum solo himself. He did the snare part on the bass drum with his foot.”

It’s the youngest’s turn to cover his face at that, shoved back and forth by Chan and Jennie on either side of him. “What’re you planning for your break?” you question Chaeyoung.

She shrugs and smiles, “Go out with you, of course.”

“On a date?” Jisoo suggests, raising her eyebrows. Leveled with two glares, she holds her hands up in surrender. “We’re all tired of seeing you pine, so just do it.”

Chae hesitates to answer the question herself, and she glances over to you. However, her gaze isn’t met; instead, you squeeze her hand under the table and say, “Then it’s a date. If it’s okay with you.”

“Are you kidding?” she asks incredulously; your face falls. Grinning, Chaeyoung presses a kiss to your hair and sighs, “I didn’t try to catch your attention for eight years just to say no.”

Lisa yells out loud, waving her hands in the air like Chaeyoung just said something utterly ground-breaking, and everyone plays along with it except the two of you. But you exchange a smile, one that you think was really, truly, worth all the effort and rivalry. “We’re probably going to continue with our tour again, though,” Jeongguk says, wiping his mouth with a napkin. “Hey, we should do a joint tour sometime.”

Chan raises his eyebrows, evidently intrigued. “Joint tour?”

“Yeah, we just do two or three songs at a time and a few together. It’ll make for a longer show, and fans can see us both at the same time,” the drummer answers with a shrug. “I don’t know if it’s a good idea.”

“It’s a great idea,” Jisoo replies, evidently surprised.

Chaeyoung nods. Even though the idea of going on tour again seems far, far away, especially with the break that they’re all supposed to be taken, she doesn’t hate the idea of it so much when she considers the idea that you’re going to be there with her every step of the way. “Sounds nice,” she smiles. “After your actual tour, of course. When does that start, again?”

“Probably in a month or so,” you shrug, then flash another secretive smile. “Plenty of time before then.”

The pink-haired girl lets herself blush now. “Yeah. More than enough.”

Chaeyoung fiddles with the lighter in her hand as she watches the staff load your suitcases onto the bus. She remembers the contents of all of them-- after all, she was the one that helped you pack. (Well, really, she just distracted you with glee-dizzy kisses while you stumbled over the suitcases.)

“Hey,” you greet her from behind, kissing the top of her head. The pink has faded away in the past month to a peachy blonde, dark roots streaking down almost artistically. “What’re you doing just sitting here?”

“You have to pay me to make me move things for you,” Chae grins, despite knowing that it wasn’t what you meant. She finds you staring at the lighter in her hand, at the white spot in the center where her thumb rests, and pockets it. “I wasn’t smoking. The lighter is a force of habit.”

“Okay. I believe you.” You peck her cheek again before stumbling off and shoving your duffel bag into the side of the bus again, bowing quickly and thanking someone before joining Chaeyoung again, hand clasped in hers as you grin at her. “Apparently, all of our shows got sold out.”

“That’s awesome!” she says, just the slightest bit surprised. “Did you settle on an opening act for NYC yet?”

You nod and lean in closer, whispering, “You won’t believe who it is.”

“Who?” Chae asks, pressing your noses together with a small laugh.

“Trivium.”

She outright gasps and almost bumps your faces together, drawing back just in time. “Seriously?”

You nod, giddily, and clap your hands together. “Just the one show. But, you know, we are missing an opening act for all the other shows.”

“I thought you didn’t need an opener for all of them.”

“Mm. We don’t. But I bet our fans would die to see us together,” you suggest, glancing over at her with a small smile creeping onto your face. “We can sneak in a little rendition of Love Me or Leave me, get the old rivalry going again?”

Realization dawns on Chaeyoung’s face, and she points at herself. “Me? Y/N, is this your not-so-subtle way of asking me to join your tour?”

“Yeah. But only if you want to,” you add. “And you don’t even have to sing if you don’t want to, you can just be my groupie.”

She shoves you. “Hey, I’m the sunbae here. Show some respect.”

You giggle and catch her hands in the middle of yet another halfhearted attempt to push you away, then capture her in a kiss; her hair falls in a pretty, pink-tinted golden curtain over the two of you. “Is that a yes?” you whisper.

“Yeah, Chaeyoung. Is that a yes?”

Chae glares jokingly at Jennie, who stands in front of the two of you with her hands on her hips and a knowing smirk on her face. “It’s a yes,” the guitarist decides, and you cheer. “I’ll go on tour with you. But just so you know, we’re still doing a proper joint tour eventually, Johnny and Jisoo are already planning it.”

“Oh, for real?” Jisung pops out of a different bus with a big, excited grin on his face. Chaeyoung still hasn’t quite gotten used to his enthusiasm, even if she can appreciate it a little more on her worse days. “Cool!”

“Mhm. We have about an hour before leaving, if you need to get anything,” you tell your girlfriend, squeezing her hand to catch her attention. “There’s space in my luggage carrier, if you just want some clothes and stuff.”

The pink-haired girl rolls her eyes as she stands, and tells you, “I’ve been touring way longer than you, I know what I need. I’ll get my lucky guitar and be back, okay?”

“Okay. Come back soon!” you yell at her retreating figure, cupping your hands around your mouth so that you can be heard across the parking lot.

“Man, where do I get a relationship like that?” Jisung sighs behind you.

You turn and grin at him, flourishing your hands in the air. You’ve truly never been happier, and you think it shows on both your and Chaeyoung’s faces. “Ç 'est la vie, my friend.”

He scowls at you and hits you over the head with a setbook. “Stop flexing on me. What’s it mean?”

Wiping the smallest bit of lipstick off your face, you only smile. “That’s life.”

#blackpink #blackpink x reader #Rosé x reader #Rosé #blackpink Rosé #park chaeyoung #blackpink chaeyoung #park chaeyoung x reader #Rosé imagines #Rosé scenarios #blackpink imagines #blackpink scenarios #blackpink icons #blackpink reactions #blackpink in your area #blackpink is the revolution #blackpink incorrect quotes #Rosé icons #Rosé headers #park chaeyoung icons #park chaeyoung imagines #girl group imagines #girl group scenarios

[bciwasinlove]

So twitter is a mess tonight and henries continue to piss everyone off. Again I wonder why I let @lovemylarents convince me to return. 😭

Anyways heres my thoughts on everything tonight directed to the henries and any other current group that hates larries...✌🏻 (will probs post on twitter for those there to see)

Starting off just so you all know telling us to unstan over our opinions, telling us we are delusional, disgusting, our favs would hate us, and (on twitter) sending us fancams, is nothing new to us and we don't care how you feel about us. We will continue to exist believing what we do for as long as it takes for them to fully be free bc NEITHER of them are free whether you choose to see it or not.

H is in what you call a "glass closet" bc he gets to dress a certain way and make certain comments but he is still shown as a womanizer who wants to date/fuck any woman he meets which btw way makes the GP LGBT+ think he is a queerbaiter. Tell me where you think that is normal or a good thing?! The "glass closet" image is just to keep all groups of fans wanting to stay fans of his but does NOT go over well with the GP. Also you say WE are disgusting for believing with 10 years worth of evidence H is with L but some of you ship him with every costar/duet partner he has even if their married or recently divorced or tweet about the things you want to do with H the double standard runs high.

With L well come on if you don't see El is not a real gf by now I don't know what to tell you. But L image wise L has just as shit of an image as H. In the beginning he was seen as the "flamboyant" (his words) most likely gay twink one. Then out of no where mainly during 2013 to 16 they tried to make L out to be some homophobic, asshole, gets drunk, party boy who took a bunch of random woman he met at clubs back to his hotel room (one of them being B) In NO WAY will you EVER get me to believe THAT is who I choose to stan.

His twitter with the whole I am straight tweet was in regards to an article PRAISING HIM FOR BEING AN ALLY bc he wore a rainbow apple shirt after the CEO came out it had NOTHING to do with Larry or calling L gay so that tweet of him being upset makes him look homophobic (playing into L bad image that manages to gaslight us) so he 100% didn't tweet that. My question I always have to henries is if u hate L so much and like to call him a r@t why tf do u care so much about trying to prove he's straight using THAT homophobic tweet as proof? Are you scared larrie are right?

What really annoys me is I don't see how someone who has only been around only during FL/Gucci era H can dare tell someone who has been around since Jack Wills/Curly mop hair days they are wrong when pointing out how things have changed. If you have only been around for no more then 2 years you would have no idea how different things are. Doing this tho is NOT hating H we know who H is and how much he loves and is grateful for his fans we are simply pointing out the problem which is his management specifically Jeff his manager.

They have turned H into this godlike untouchable I'm above others rockstar that they are shoving down everyone's throat and eventually this will backfire on them. We are 100% happy H is getting more recognition but the way they are trying to achieve this is not the best way bc if u push an artist to much people get tired and annoyed of that artist. They should just let H do his thing appear the way he use to his talent is enough to get him far this crazy confusing image does nothing to help him.

I'm tired of you henries acting like the way things are now is normal when it's NOT. H use to be so active with the fans and would tweet out to us and even just tweet or post on insta funny things now his SM's are all business and nothing personal. It's all business down to who he follows bc he doesn't even follow his mom on insta.

I'm also tired of you all acting like H hates 1D when he LOVES the boys and his time in 1D. He sings 1D songs on tour, he rocks out to 1D songs and listens it while working out. YOU only think he hates 1D bc that is apart of his untouchable above everyone image is Jeff making others feel he doesn't care for 1D. That much was clear when at a Dunkirk premiere the interviewer asked H about the boys and he has his giant dimpled smile happy to talk about them and then someone who was in charge of H off camera says stick to the topic and H gets confused and sad after. They want you to believe this facade image which sadly seems to work on some of you.

All I have left to say is we have been here supporting H&L for almost a decade you are NOT the first group to try and gaslight us and HSHQ is not the first verified acc to inable the gaslighting against us. It first started with 1DHQ/simon making other groups in the fandom hate us and think larry is disgusting and now the tourch has just been passed over to HSHQ/jeff to inable the gaslighting on us but we are still here still going strong no matter what you choice to believe the truth is.

It's very clear we were here long before you guys, have seen MANY side groups (that also hated us) come and go and we WILL be here long after when you guys get bored and leave. In 5 years times I KNOW we will still be here will most of u will have left and a new toxic grew will have risen so keep barking your 4D's and unstan messages at us as if this is anything new to us bc it won't change a damn thing. Lastly, a lot of us have tickets to their shows so have fun seeing the ones you hate in person hopefully next year if not the year after. 🤩✌🏻

#Im a tired larrie #twitter henries are annoying #we were here before you we will be here long after #1DHQ and HSHQ gaslighting larries #fake images #I hope they know what they are doing

[keepingupwithlinmanuel]

Lin-Manuel Miranda on ‘Hamilton,’ Freestyle Love Supreme and What Comes Next

This feels a little like the third coming of Hamilton: You had the run at the Public, the Broadway opening, and now this.

The big knock against Hamilton, especially at the beginning, was that only a few people could see it at a time. That’s just the nature of theater. The chance to have folks engage with this en masse has been gratifying. I’m really happy that everybody has access to it now, and Tommy [Kail] did a really wonderful job of capturing something ephemeral. So to have not just a document but a movie of this thing we did that, at the time, sort of felt like we were writing in melting snow…it’s crazy. 

...

Have you been surprised by the reception? The adoration for the play has never gone away, but the rabid way the filmed version has been debated, and re-debated — it’s sparked this entirely different discussion over what you’re saying with it, and what the work means.

It was a bit of a surprise, yeah. I mean, the big difference for me over what you just termed “the third coming of Hamilton” is that I’m able to actually see and hear the discussion more. I was so busy doing the show that I was sort of insulated from the noise around it: Wake up, do two performances, take care of a newborn child, repeat. Now, it’s like I get to go back and relive that moment of 2016, only the positive and the negative reactions are now bigger and wider and louder. Which, honestly, has been incredible and informative. I’m grateful to hear all of it.

...

A great play is going to read differently when you revive it or re-introduce it — but the fact that Hamilton is coming back into the broader conversation at the moment when the systemic rot that’s been a part of this country since the beginning…

…and is a huge part of the play as well…yeah.

The timing is extraordinary.

What you’re talking about, in a larger sense, in one of the fascinating aspects of any show. I felt it when were adapting In the Heights and we seeing racism going from latent to blatant in this country. Suddenly, those rants and raps about systemic racism felt way too timely. Way too timely.

It’s been the same with Hamilton. There is a real revolution going on right now, in terms of what we stand for as a country and what we won’t stand for as a country. So the language about revolution in the show really pops. And it’s an origin story not just about the United States but what is and isn’t discussed regarding that origin story. So that’s all mixed in to the ways Hamilton is reflecting, and being reacted to, in 2020.

...

There’s a scene early on in the [FLS] doc where you’ve all just reunited, you’re dropping in to do a show, and someone says, “Now, people are going to clap for a long time when Lin comes out, so be prepared for that.” And you can sense that the dynamic between you and the group has changed…

The dynamic between me and the world had changed! That’s the really wild thing. For me, being onstage with Freestyle Love Supreme is the only place I can go that’s feels pre-Hamilton. It’s the one place I can go where I can just go bullshit with my admittedly very talented friends [laughs]. There’s a certain irony in only feeling that safety when you’re going out on stage and risking totally falling on your face. But yeah, it’s that weird thing of, “They’re going to freak out that he’s here…and then we can just do our show. Let’s let them have that reaction, and we can go back to doing what we do.”

...

How far into production on Tick, Tick…Boom were you when everything shut down?

About 10 days. We’d filmed for roughly two weeks before the call came from Netflix, and then we put the sets in storage and will wait until it’s safe to resume production. I’m sure that post-COVID and pre-vaccine, some of the ideas we had are going to be different now. We’re looking at call sheets now that may have risk levels attached to them, which is very surreal and very new in terms of making movies. I’m still in contact with the cast and crew, and they’re all excited to get back to work. But we’re waiting until it’s safe, obviously Nothing’s going to happen until then.

...

You were involved with the screen adaptation of In The Heights, which actually filmed in Washington Heights…

That was one of the conditions of that becoming a film, by the way. They had to film in the neighborhood. There’s no backlot that looks like that. It’s the combination of pre-war buildings and insane angles, because you’re on a mountain in upper Manhattan! [Laughs] I wanted as many members of the community in the cast. And on a purely selfish level, I wanted to hear the songs written about a specific place sung in that place.

...

Do you think this could result in a big step forward?

I think this gives us a way to institute a real change now that we have the moment in which a partial reset button can get pushed. We’ve been having all these discussions about white supremacy and systematic racism — so when theater comes back, that’s the time to start talking about a more diverse, inclusive theater. Not later. Now. Let’s make our backstages look as diverse as our casts. Let’s make our audiences look as diverse as our casts. Since it’s not to business as usual on Broadway right now, let’s change the usual business when it’s time to reopen these stages. There’s a chance for us to have a much more equitable American theater when we emerge on the other side of this. So let’s take this opportunity to make it happen.

#lin manuel miranda #hamilton #hamilfilm #in the heights #tick tick boom #freestyle love supreme #rolling stone #interviews #representation

[erikahenningsen]

My 15 favorite theater experiences of 2019

In no particular order:

1. Choir Boy (Samuel Friedman Theatre, New York, NY): I say in no particular order, but if you know anything about me, you know that Choir Boy is my number-one show of the year. I saw it four times on Broadway and twice in Boston. Tarell Alvin McCraney’s writing is so beautiful, human, and fearless. He puts works of art on stages, television, and film that nobody else does. Jeremy Pope’s performance as Pharus is easily in the top three greatest performances I’ve seen on a Broadway stage. If your local regional theater is doing this show, I cannot encourage you enough to go and see it.

2. What the Constitution Means to Me (Helen Hayes Theater, New York, NY): This show was unlike any other play I’ve seen before. Heidi Schreck, who wrote and starred in WTCMTM, wrote a deeply human, poignant, and timely play about a document written by a bunch of rich, white men a few centuries ago and made it gripping, engaging, and relevant. It’s a show I believe every American should see. As an added bonus, Heidi is genuinely one of the kindest people I’ve met.

3. The Wrong Man (MCC Theater, New York, NY): I saw The Wrong Man for the first time three weeks before it closed, and I immediately fell in love with it and went back several more times in those three weeks. The Wrong Man is only ninety minutes long and has only three main characters, but it presents an engaging story about forgiveness, mercy, justice, guilt, and innocence. Ross Golan, the composer/lyricist, began performing The Wrong Man as a concept album thirteen years ago and turned it into a full musical. The score is beautiful and has some really great bops, and the choreography is probably the best I’ve ever seen.

4. Waitress with Sara Bareilles and Gavin Creel (Brooks Atkinson Theatre, New York, NY): I’m personally not the biggest fan of Waitress, but this was one of the most fun nights I had in a theater this year. Sara and Gavin had amazing chemistry, and I have never laughed so much at Waitress before. 

5. A Strange Loop (Playwrights Horizons, New York, NY): A Strange Loop is unlike any show I’ve ever seen before. It’s unlike anything anyone has seen before. How many shows center around a fat, black, queer character? I can’t think of any. Michael R. Jackson, the book writer/composer/lyricist, has an incredible ability to write satire that has you laughing at the same time you’re being punched in the face emotionally. A Strange Loop grapples with the intersections of racism, homophobia, and fatphobia. It’s meta at the same time it’s grounded, and gets more and more intense as the show progresses. I walked out of the theater in a daze after I saw it. My fingers are crossed it comes to Broadway.

5. Mean Girls, Taylor Louderman’s last show (August Wilson Theatre, New York, NY): Going to Mean Girls is a routine thing for me, and I’ve seen the show dozens of times, but every once in awhile something special happens that reignites my love for this show. Taylor’s last show was obviously incredibly sad for me, the cast, and everyone who loves this show, but I also laughed more and harder on this evening than I have in a very long time at Mean Girls. Everyone, especially Taylor, was giving this performance their all, and I’ll never forget it.

6. The Secret Life of Bees (Atlantic Theater Company, New York, NY): I had suspicions I was really going to love this show before I saw it, but I absolutely fell in love with it. The music is gorgeous (thank you, Duncan Sheik), the performances are stellar, and the story, though set decades ago, is as timely and relevant as ever. I do cry at shows pretty often, but rarely do I tear up because of how overwhelmingly beautiful a show is—but I did that at Secret Life of Bees. I’m still impatiently waiting on that Broadway transfer announcement.

7. Beetlejuice (Winter Garden Theatre, New York, NY): Despite all its flaws, I love this crazy, loud, obnoxious, wild show so much. I had seen it in DC and counted down the days until first preview on Broadway. I rushed first preview and ended up with front-row tickets, and I had one of the most fun nights in a theater I’ve ever had. The performances really make the show, and I’ve been very vocal about how I strongly believe Leslie Kritzer was snubbed by the Tonys. Beetlejuice also has my favorite scenic design for any show. I also have a uniquely personal connection to this showL Beetlejuice used to have a joke in the show I felt was offensive, so I reached out to Eddie Perfect and Alex Timbers and explained to them why I was hurt by it, and they actually listened to my feedback and removed the joke. I’m hoping Beetlejuice can find another home after June, because I’m not ready to say goodbye yet.

8. Next to Normal (Ground Floor Theatre/Deaf Austin Theatre, Austin, TX): For years I had been wanting an ASL production of Next to Normal with Sandra Mae Frank as Natalie, so when it actually happened I knew I had to fly to Texas to see it. I don’t think I’ve ever cried more at a show. Sandy made me look at Natalie in a whole new way, and the ASL interpretations of the lyrics added so many new layers to the show. Megg Rose, the Deaf actor who played Diana, gave one of the best performances I’ve seen, and I want her to be on Broadway immediately. This production really was a dream come true for me. 

9. Six (Chicago Shakespeare Theater, Chicago, IL): We drove to Chicago from NYC to see Six, and it was definitely worth it. I was in the front row for the first time I saw it, which was a terrifying but incredibly fun experience. This cast is so incredibly talented, and the show is so much fun, and being there with almost all of my closest friends was such a memorable experience. I’m so excited to see it again when it comes to Broadway.

10. Little Shop of Horrors (Westside Theatre, New York, NY): This was my first experience seeing LSOH, and I had an absolute blast. The performances were incredible, with Christian Borle being just off-the-wall crazy. I haven’t laughed that much at a show in awhile. The Audrey II puppets are fantastic, and what they’ve done with the scenic design in such a small space is amazing. I’m excited to see it again with Gideon Glick.

11. Indecent (Huntington Theatre Company, Boston, MA): Indecent is and always will be my favorite play, and I’m so incredibly grateful I got to see it again in Boston. Huntington recreated the Broadway production with many of the original cast members, and it was such a special show. I never thought I’d see that production again live, and Huntington gave me such an incredible gift with this play. 

12. Freestyle Love Supreme (Booth Theatre, New York, NY): FLS is just fun from start to finish. It’s completely improvised with special unannounced guests every night, so it’s different every time you see it. I loved seeing how they made the show more inclusive between Off-Broadway and Broadway (by asking people their pronouns, for example), and I have a blast every time. 

13. Ain’t Too Proud - The Life and Times of the Temptations (Imperial Theatre, New York, NY): I saw Ain’t Too Proud mostly for Jeremy Pope, and I was so pleasantly surprised by how much I genuinely loved the show. Derrick Baskin is one of the most hardworking performers on Broadway—he literally does not leave the stage. The choreography is so much fun, and each person in the cast is so incredibly talented. It’s also one of the most pleasant stage doors I’ve ever experienced; everyone at the stage door just really genuinely wants to congratulate and thank the performers, and the actors are so kind. 

14. Teeth (National Alliance for Musical Theatre Festival, New York, NY): It’s wild even to me that I’m putting a staged partial reading on this list, but that’s how good Teeth was. I spent the entire time laughing, and the songs are constantly stuck in my head. Everyone at the festival was talking about how much they loved the show, so I’m hopeful there will be a full production of it sometime soon.

15. Slave Play (John Golden Theatre, New York, NY): It’s hard to talk about Slave Play because it transcends descriptors like “good” or “bad.” Slave Play is important. It’s complex. It’s necessarily provocative. And it’s shaken up Broadway like no show has in recent memory. It’s a show I think every American adult should see. I haven’t stopped thinking about it since I saw it. It only runs for a couple more weeks, and if you haven’t seen it, you need to. 

#this was hard because i have no concept of time and can't remember anything that happened before may #long post #i'm gwen and i approve this message

[pikapeppa]

Cullavellan and FenHawke pirate AU: Safe

Chapter 31 of my and @schoute​‘s lovechild project Where The Winds Of Fortune Take Me is up! Read here on AO3 instead.

In which the intrepid crew of the Lady Luck venture into the Arlathan Forest... [fades away mysteriously] 

***********************

- PIPER - 

Merrill beamed at everyone as they wove their way through the trees. “Remember, we want to tread softly and treat the forest gently. The forest is our host and we’re the guests, so we have to be polite.”

Dorian raised his eyebrows as he gingerly picked his way past some exceptionally large ferns. “Be polite to a forest? I’m sorry to tell you this, Merrill, but I was never taught forest etiquette. Will the trees will be offended by my using the wrong spoon? Because if that’s the case…” 

Rynne snickered, and Piper slung her arm around Merrill’s neck. “Sorry, Merrill, but Captain Mad Piper doesn’t do polite, not even to a forest. Any other suggestions?” 

Merrill tittered. “Oh, Captain. I just mean that we shouldn’t go cutting any plants or hurting any creatures that we meet. Remember what that old treaty between the qunari and Tevinter said: no one was supposed to make permanent lodgings here. As long as we pack up and keep moving every night and we keep to ourselves, we’ll be safe.”

“You don’t know that,” Fenris said flatly. “Our ill-advised presence in this forest is premised entirely on your assumptions and theories. You have no proof to reinforce your claims of safety.”

Cullen grimaced apologetically. “I must say, Merrill, I agree with Fenris. Not that we should turn back, necessarily,” he added as Piper shot him a chiding look, “but that we should err on the side of caution. We can’t assume any sort of safety here.”

Merrill gave Fenris and Cullen a sad sort of smile. “That’s all right. You don’t need to believe me. My clan didn’t either when I told them why I was leaving.” She turned back to Piper. “I’m just grateful that you’re giving this a chance. Thank you, Piper.”

Piper gave her a wink. “Don’t worry about it, lethallan. You know I’m in for any sort of madcap adventure.” And it was true; Piper was still certainly hoping to run into some interesting ancient ruins somewhere in the forest. But her motivation for this expedition into the Arlathan Forest was no longer the simple thirst for adventure that it had once been. 

Piper needed this trip to be a lucrative one. She needed to bring something valuable back to the crew to make up for what they’d lost on the way here. Cullen and Varric could say that the crew knew the risks, but Piper knew the truth. 

That insane storm shouldn’t have happened. The loss of four of the crew should not have happened. And Piper hadn’t been able to stop it. 

Never mind, she told herself firmly. There was no point ruminating about it. All she could do now was make sure the rest of her crew were well taken care of. She was going to find whatever ruins were in this forest, and she was going to find something valuable in those damned ruins to bring back to her crew, even if it meant she had to kill every other pirate who was lurking in this forest. 

In the meantime, however, Piper truly was enjoying how scenic the forest was. Every leaf and vine and patch of moss was a brilliant and almost unbelievably lush shade of green. The canopy overhead was thick but translucent, allowing the sun to trickle through the leaves in soft slivers of gold that only served to highlight just how verdant everything was. The omnipresent greenness was punctuated by copious flowers of many kinds, including some varieties that Piper had never seen before. 

Merrill, however, seemed to know something about every plant. She was walking beside Rynne and pointing out the various plants to her. “That one is called misdalavur,” she was saying. “It means ‘knife leaf’, since the leaves look like little blades.”

“Not because they can be used as blades?” Rynne said with a grin.

“It’s funny you say that,” Merrill said excitedly. “Its stems can be peeled into strips and cured, then used as binding for the handles of daggers. So it is associated with real knives, in a way.”

Rynne stared at her in genuine wonder. “Well, that’s incredibly useful.”

Merrill beamed at her. “It is, isn’t it?” She pointed at a nearby orchid that was graced with a cascade of brilliant crimson blooms. “That plant is–”

“Oh, that’s embrium,” Rynne said. 

Merrill widened her eyes. “You know it?”

“Of course,” Rynne said. There was a wry twist to her voice now. “It’s the most popular flower that suitors send to a lady they’re trying to court.”

“That is true,” Cullen put in. “I seem to recall there always being a bouquet of those flowers in the foyer of your family home.”

Rynne winked at him. “You recall correctly, my fine serrah. I’m sure my mother is missing the pop of colour on the hall table, if nothing else.”

Cullen gave her a sympathetic smile, and Merrill patted her arm. “Well, Hawke, that’s a good flower for you to get more familiar with. In Elvhen, it’s called gaildhalas, and its healing properties are really quite striking…”

Piper smiled as she listened to them. It was something of a relief to see Rynne having such a pleasant time. At least one of her companions was pleased to be here, aside from Merrill.

On that note, she decided to check on Dorian and Fenris, who were making up the rear of their little party. Dorian was jotting notes in a notebook and muttering to himself while periodically checking his compass, and Fenris was scrutinizing their surroundings, one hand resting on his scimitar in case of trouble. 

Piper peered at Dorian’s notes, which consisted of a list of compass directions and rough sketches of landmarks. “How’s the mapping going?” she asked.

“Splendidly, if you enjoy taking notes while trying not to crush any precious beasties that might be underfoot,” he drawled.

“You could always take off your boots,” Piper suggested slyly. “Less likely to crush anything lethally that way.”

He gave her an affronted look. “And risk getting my precious footsies filthy? Don’t be ridiculous. Besides, Fenris will tell me if I’m about to step on anything important.”

“You stepped in feces about five minutes ago,” Fenris said.

Dorian’s face twisted with horror, and Piper slapped a hand over her mouth to stop herself from laughing out loud. 

Dorian glared viciously at Fenris. “I – wha – why didn’t you tell me?”

“You were otherwise occupied,” Fenris said. “I didn’t want to distract you.”

Dorian stared at him for a moment longer, then tsked loudly. “Vishante kaffas, you brute.”

“At least I didn’t step in it,” Fenris replied. 

His tone was so dry that Piper couldn’t help it; she snorted out a laugh, and Fenris smirked faintly in response. Dorian shot them both an extremely offended look before burying his face in his notebook and pretending to ignore them. 

Piper sidled over to Fenris. “I’m surprised you’re in such a good mood,” she said. Indeed, he was scowling less than she would have expected, given how little he’d wanted to come into the forest.

He raised an eyebrow. “Do not mistake my levity for agreement with this course of action. I still think this is a mistake.”

Piper tilted her head curiously. “Then why didn’t you stay on the Lady Luck? You could have been the officer who stayed behind, and Varric could have come.”

Fenris gave her a flat look. “When have I ever refused to follow your foolish plans?”

“Fair enough,” Piper said cheerfully.

Fenris huffed in amusement, and they walked in silence for a moment as Dorian continued to scribble in his notebook. Then Piper lowered her voice. “Seriously though, Fen. You didn’t have to come. I purposely gave you and Varric the choice of who should stay behind in case you wanted to sit this one out.” 

Fenris eyed her for a moment, then shrugged. “It is what it is. Besides, Hawke was looking forward to this adventure, as you well know.”

Piper smiled at this. It was certainly a boon to have Rynne along to keep Fenris from scowling too much. 

Dorian seemed to agree, as he deigned to speak to them again. “Oh Fenris, that’s very sweet of you,” he said. “I suspect your fair lady was expecting something more mundane than some sort of mystical elven siren song, however.”

“Weren’t we all?” Fenris said rhetorically.

Piper shot him a wry little smile. He wasn’t wrong.

Just then, Rynne skipped over to join them. She had a flower in her hand: a multi-layered bloom with a dark pink center that melded into petals of a deep, rich gold. 

Piper eyed the familiar flower as Dorian greeted her. “If it isn’t our newest explorer herself,” he said. “Enjoying the forest in all your natural glory, are you?” He glanced with some distaste at Rynne’s feet, which were bare like Piper’s, Fenris’s, and Merrill’s. 

“I am, thank you!” Rynne said brightly. She poked his chest. “You should try going without boots, Dorian. Get those feet of yours–”

“I’m perfectly fine in my boots, thank you,” Dorian said loudly. 

Piper gently stroked the petals of the flower in Rynne’s hand. “Does Merrill know you picked that?” she asked.

“Of course,” Rynne assured her. “She said a little blessing before cutting it for me.” Then she turned to Fenris and held out the flower to him. “I brought this for you.”

Fenris’s eyebrows jumped up on his forehead. “For me?” he said blankly.

“Yes,” she said. “It’s called felan'asahngar. It means ‘lucky plant’. It’s good luck!” She batted her eyelashes at him. “It’s also a very attractive flower, so it’s perfect for you.”

Piper smiled to herself. Felan’asahngar blossoms weren’t just a good luck charm. She wondered if Merrill had told Rynne the deeper significance of the flower among the Dalish.

Fenris scratched the back of his neck, then gingerly took the flower from her. “Um. Thank you, Hawke.”

He was holding the flower so awkwardly, as though he’d never even held one before, and Piper tried hard not to laugh. Then Rynne tutted and gently took the flower back from him. “Here, like this, so you don’t have to hold it.” She tucked the flower behind his ear, then kissed his cheek. “Now you’re even more handsome,” she said, and she winked at him before sashaying back to Merrill’s side. 

Dorian and Piper both grinned at Fenris, and he hunched his shoulders slightly. “What?” he muttered. “Don’t stare at me.” He removed the flower from behind his swiftly-reddening ear and gently rubbed one of the petals between his fingers. 

Dorian pouted playfully. “Oh, do put it back, Fenris. It was very fetching. Gold is a good colour on you.” He gave Fenris a speculative look. “Have you ever thought about piercing your ears? I could lend you some jewelry if you like.”

Fenris scowled at him. “Why would I willingly mutilate my own body?”

“Don’t be so dramatic,” Dorian scolded, and he ran his fingers lovingly over his own many gold earrings. “It’s not mutilation, it’s decoration!”

Fenris rolled his eyes, but Piper noticed with amusement that he was still carefully cradling the felan’asahngar in one hand. 

She shook her head fondly, then left Fenris and Dorian to their bickering to rejoin Cullen instead. He was walking with Merrill and Rynne, but as Piper drew level with him, he smiled at her. “Is everything all right with the others?” he asked.

Piper grinned and tucked her hands in her pockets. “Dorian stepped in shit,” she reported. “In other words, everything is great.” 

Cullen sputtered with surprise. “He stepped in–? He must be, er, upset.” 

“He is,” Piper said cheerfully. “Made us laugh, though.” 

Cullen shook his head in amusement, then he reached out and smoothed one hand over her hair. “And you?” he said in a quieter voice. “Are you all right?”

Piper let out a breezy little laugh. “Of course. I didn’t step in shit, so I’m feeling particularly great.”

His smile widened, but Piper could clearly see the worry in that little crease between his eyebrows. Cullen was being particularly kind and solicitous since her stupid outburst last night, and his caring was not unlike that Rivaini pastry that was soaked in rich honey syrup: it was delicious in small amounts, but too much of it was almost too much for Piper to bear. If Cullen kept on being so gentle, Piper would keep thinking about why he was being so gentle, and she didn’t want to think about it. 

She didn’t want to keep thinking about the disastrous storm and the Lady Luck being damaged and her four lost crew members. What she wanted was to fix the mess she’d brought them all into. There was no time to mope around and whine, not if she was going to find some valuable booty to bring back to the crew. 

She smiled confidently at Cullen. “I think we’re going to find something interesting soon. I can feel it in my gut.”

His eyes widened. “You mean – is it that voice? Is that how Merrill knows where to go, even without a map to follow?”

Piper gaped at him for a second, then scoffed. “No, Golden Boy, I was just kidding around. And Merrill is finding the way by scouting, like how she would do with her clan.”

“I’m not, actually,” Merrill called over her shoulder. “I’m following the forest.”

Piper looked up in surprise. “What do you mean?”

“I’m following where the forest tells me to go,” Merrill said.

Behind them, Fenris sighed loudly. “Fasta vass. This again?”

Merrill stopped and turned around. “Just be quiet, Fenris,” she said, but her tone was gentle. She waved for Fenris and Piper to come closer. “Close your eyes for just a moment, both of you. Try to feel the forest.”

Piper glanced at Fenris and nearly laughed at his petulant expression. Then Merrill tapped her arm. “Please, lethallan. Just trust me.” 

Piper guiltily looked at Merrill’s pleading face, then closed her eyes. She breathed and listened quietly for a minute, but all she felt was stupid.

Beside her, Fenris grunted, and Piper bit her lips to fight a mad urge to laugh. Then Merrill spoke in a calm tone. “Just relax, both of you. Let your minds go empty.” 

“That will be easy for Piper,” Fenris grumbled. “Her mind is always empty.”

Piper snorted a laugh and shoved his arm. “Fuck you, Fen.”

“Shh,” Rynne hissed. “I want to see what happens!”

Piper stuck her tongue out at Rynne, then closed her eyes again and tried to let her mind go blank. She turned her attention to the sound of the breeze sliding through the leaves, and she thought idly about the cushy moss beneath her bare dirty feet. When her mind started telling her how foolish she probably looked, she acknowledged that yes, she probably looked foolish, then went back to thinking about the breeze and the moss and the sun trickling through the leaves without really thinking about them at all.

That’s when she felt it.

It wasn’t a voice this time, to her mild relief; it was more of a… an intuition, or a sense. Despite her scoffing at Cullen earlier, it did kind of remind Piper of a gut feeling. 

She opened her eyes to find Merrill looking at her expectantly. “Do you feel something?” Merrill asked eagerly. 

Piper looked askance at Fenris, who was looking uneasy. “Which way should we go?” she asked him.

He frowned, then jerked his chin to the south, and Piper looked at Merrill. “That’s what I, er. Same here,” she said. 

Merrill beamed at them. “Exactly,” she said, and she turned on her heel and continued to stroll through the forest in a southward direction. 

Piper looked at Fenris once more. He scowled and shrugged, and they all set off in Merrill’s wake. 

Dorian jogged forward to join Merrill, and they started discussing his mapping attempts. Meanwhile, Rynne drifted back to walk with Fenris, and Cullen and Piper fell back to take the rear. 

Piper watched idly as Rynne stroked Fenris’s arm before taking his hand. Then Cullen spoke in a quiet voice. “What do you suppose is, er, happening here?” he asked.

Piper shrugged. She honestly wasn’t sure what to think. “Merrill clearly thinks it’s a spirit of the forest or something,” she said. 

“But what do you think?�� Cullen asked. “Do you think it is a… a forest spirit? Or could it be something about your, um, background…?”

He looked somewhat discomfited, and Piper grinned at him. “You can just ask if it’s an elf thing, Cullen. I won’t mind.”

He blew out a breath and rubbed the back of his neck. “I couldn’t decide if it would be rude.” 

“Depending on the elf, it might,” she agreed. “But you can ask me whatever you want.” 

His eyebrows rose slightly, and she immediately regretted her choice of words. She hoped he wasn’t going to ask her about her feelings about the storm and the crew yet again. 

Thankfully, he stayed on topic. “Is there any truth to the, um. The rumours about elf senses?” he asked cautiously. “I had heard that your eyesight is better than a human’s....” 

Piper nodded. “Yes, that’s true. Our hearing is better than yours, too.”

Cullen stroked his stubbled chin. “Ah. So perhaps this, er…” He cleared his throat. “Perhaps this is a matter of hearing something that we can’t, if your sense of hearing is superior to ours.”

Piper made a little face. “I don’t think so. Qunari and tal-vashoth have even better hearing than we do, but Kaaras wasn’t affected during the storm. Besides, it wasn’t a voice this time,” she said with a vague wave at the forest. “There were no words. It was just a sort of gut feeling.”

He looked at her in surprise. “But you said you were kidding about that.”

“I know,” she said testily. “I was kidding. I didn’t actually feel it then, or… or I didn’t think I did.” Feeling slightly unnerved, she ran her hands through her hair, then shrugged with a carelessness that she didn’t quite feel. “Either way, it’s not like we have a better plan in mind, so we might as well follow Merrill, right?”

Cullen took her hand. “We can go back to the ship at any time if you choose,” he said quietly. 

Her gut twisted with nerves. She pushed the feeling aside and scoffed. “We’re not going back to the ship, Golden Boy. We’ve got an entire unexplored forest ahead of us.” She waved at the trees ahead with a grand gesture. “Green as far as the eye can see! We have to keep going until we find something that isn’t green. That’ll be the real challenge.” 

He studied her for a moment, then huffed in amusement. “You may be right. As nice as this forest may be, it might become monotonous after some time.”

“Exactly,” Piper said with satisfaction — more at having distracted him than anything else, if she was honest. She released his hand and gave his butt a smack. “Now keep your eyes peeled for something interesting. I’ll give you a nice reward if you find me something ancient and elfy.” She wiggled her eyebrows lasciviously.

He shot her a chiding smile and playfully tugged a lock of her hair. Piper laughed and smacked his butt once more, and as the afternoon wore on and their stroll through the forest continued, Piper was able to relax and almost forget that their path was being determined by an odd phenomenon that none of them could explain.

Late that afternoon, when the sun was low enough for the forest to start growing dim, Piper was in the midst of entertaining the group with a dramatic retelling of Varric’s infamous nug king story when she heard it. 

Min vir. This way.

She broke off in the middle of her sentence and looked to the west. At the same time, Fenris frowned in the same direction.

Merrill smiled at them both. “You heard that?” she said. 

“Yes, unfortunately,” Fenris grunted. 

Merrill clapped her hands. “We must be close to something,” she chirped. “Come on!” She hurried off to the west at a faster pace. 

Dorian grimaced at Cullen and Rynne. “I don’t know about you, but I think I’ll hang back and make sure there are no booby traps before rushing after our dear Dalish companion.” He fell back to walk behind Cullen and Piper.

Cullen twisted his lips worriedly, and Piper patted his arm. “Don’t worry, Cullen,” she said with a boldness that was partly feigned. “I’ll protect you.” 

He gave her a small half-smile as they followed Merrill’s path with Fenris, Rynne and Dorian close behind. The foliage they were walking through now was thicker than ever: the ferns now reached halfway up Piper’s thigh, and the moss coating the trees was so rich that their trunks were more green than brown. When they finally caught up to Merrill, it was to find her standing in front of a huge stone monument of obvious Elvhen make.

Piper stared at the monument in frank amazement. It depicted a wolf in a lounging position with its head proudly lifted, and it was taller than Piper at its highest point. The sculpture was not intricate, but based on the sharpness of the lines and the smoothness of the curves, the hands that had rendered it were uncommonly talented. 

“Oh, it’s the Dread Wolf!” Rynne said. 

Merrill beamed at her. “Yes, Hawke, exactly!” She turned to Piper with shining eyes. “Have you ever seen an elvhen monument so large and pristine?”

Feeling rather nonplussed, Piper shook her head. “Honestly, Merrill, I’ve only seen a couple of other elvhen monuments before. That one on Sundermount, and there’s that one of Mythal in Halamshiral that they tried to turn into a monument to Andraste…” 

Merrill smacked her forehead. “That’s right!” she said. “I forget sometimes that you grew up in the city.” 

Piper smirked. “Should I take that as a compliment?

Merrill’s face fell, and she clapped her hands over her mouth. “Was that rude? Elgar’nan, I didn’t mean to be rude, I just meant to say that I think of you as being Dalish even if you didn’t grow up among the Dalish, even though your father and Deshanna — oh dear, I’m babbling again…” 

Piper chuckled and patted her shoulder. “It’s fine, Merrill, I know what you meant. Sort of.”

“Hawke,” Fenris barked. “Don’t touch it.”

Piper looked up to see Rynne hastily pulling her hand back from the statue. She grimaced at Fenris and Merrill. “Why? Is it rude to touch elven statues?” 

Fenris strode over to her and ushered her away from the statue. “That doesn’t matter,” he said roughly. “What matters is that someone has been here recently.”

Cullen and Dorian looked at him in surprise. “Why do you say that?” Dorian asked.

Fenris gestured impatiently at the statue. “It is pristine, as Merrill said. No moss, no overgrowth at all. Someone has cleared it recently.” 

Piper frowned. He wasn’t wrong about the statue’s condition; it was so clean that if Piper didn’t know better, she would have thought it was new. But if it was new, there would have been signs of whoever had dragged the statue here, and they certainly hadn’t seen that. In fact, they’d seen no signs of anyone else in the forest all day.

Merrill’s reply mirrored Piper’s thoughts. “No one else has been here,” she said confidently. “There was no evidence of anyone else coming this way.”

“So how do you explain how clean the statue is?” Fenris demanded. 

“I’d like to know that, too,” Dorian said. “I wonder if they use a particular solvent? I could use that for cleaning my instruments. And my jewelry.” He reached out and ran one hand over the statue’s rump. 

Fenris sighed loudly. “Dorian, you just touched it,” he complained.

Dorian looked at him. “Excellent observation, my friend. What’s your point?”

Fenris gestured angrily at him. “You were just talking about booby traps. What if it was poisoned?”

Dorian blinked. “Ah. That is a fair point. Well, in any case, you’re welcome. Now we know it’s safe to touch.”

Rynne coughed in a distinct cover of a laugh, and Fenris shook his head in disgust. Merrill, meanwhile, clapped her hands delightedly from her position at the front of the statue. “Look at this! There’s ancient Elvhen writing here!” she exclaimed. 

Piper joined her and peered over her shoulder. Sure enough, archaic Elvhen glyphs were carved into the stone on the statue’s base in between its front paws.

Piper frowned. She didn’t know what the glyphs said, but it looked like two different people had worked on the engraved inscription. Most of the inscription had been engraved in small, tidy glyphs arranged in orderly rows. But the final two lines of glyphs looked considerably more haphazard, almost as though the person inscribing them had been rushed or angry. 

She pointed at the last two lines. “Merrill, does that strike you as odd?”

“It does,” Merrill said keenly. “I’m going to take a rubbing and work on translating it tonight. Maybe it will tell us where to find the Vir’Tualthalan!” She shuffled around in her haversack for some parchment and charcoal.

Piper straightened and turned to the others. “Well, it’s a start,” she said cheerfully. “Looks like we’re on the right track.”

Cullen frowned thoughtfully. “Are we sure it’s the right track? You and Merrill’s stories depict the Dread Wolf as being misleading. Should we be wary that this statue is a sign that we are going in the wrong direction?” 

“He makes a good point,” Fenris said. “We shouldn’t assume this is a good omen. In fact—” 

Piper held up her hands. “All right,” she said loudly. “Here’s what we’re going to do. Merrill will take her rubbing from this statue, and we’ll find somewhere to settle for the evening while she translates the inscription. Based on what it says, we’ll figure out our next move.” She looked at everyone. “Is that satisfactory?”

Cullen and Rynne nodded. Fenris murmured his agreement, and Dorian shrugged affably. “As long as we can have a celebratory drink when we settle in, then I’m happy,” he said.

Fenris raised an eyebrow. “Celebratory? For what?”

“For the fact that I’m still alive, of course,” Dorian said. “I could have died when I touched that statue. It’s a shame no one warned me not to.”

Rynne snorted, and Piper smirked at his blithe tone. Fenris clicked his tongue. “Vishante kaffas,” he said snidely to Dorian, and he began to lead Rynne away from the statue. 

“At least you didn’t step in it,” Dorian called after him. 

Cullen rubbed the back of his neck. “I’m just pleased that we have a plan.”

Piper elbowed him cheerfully. “See, Golden Boy? I told you everything was going to be fine.” She was feeling far more cheerful now that there was a clear sign of ancient Elvhen civilization in this forest. Surely this meant they would find a more significant structure soon, like a public hall or a temple or something that would hold some sort of valuables that Piper could sell to bring in coin for her crew. 

Cullen smiled ruefully at her. She patted his arm affectionately, then turned to Dorian and Merril, who were peering at the charcoal rubbing. “All right, fools, let’s find a quiet place to camp so Merrill can get to work on that translation.”

They followed their own trail away from the statue and back into the forest, then began to make their way slightly east. Just as the waning light of day began to shift into evening, Piper spotted the hazy orange glow of a campfire through the trees – the first signs of other people they’d yet seen all day. 

She held up a hand for everyone to stop. “All right,” she said quietly. “Merrill and I will go ahead and investigate. If we need help… well, you’ll know by the screaming. From them, I mean.” She shot them all a vicious smile. 

Dorian chuckled. “Naturally.”

She winked at him, and she and Merrill slid through the forest toward the campfire ahead. As Piper padded silently through the moss and leaves, she surreptitiously checked her flintlock and her épée to make sure they were easily at hand. One could hope that the campers ahead weren’t hostile, but given what had happened yesterday, she wasn’t holding her breath. 

She was right to be skeptical. She and Merrill stopped thirty paces away from the little campsite — close enough to hear and see, but not close enough to be spotted through the thickness of the trees — and as soon as they started listening in, it became clear that the five campers were definitely not friendly. 

“... told you it was stupid.” The one woman in the group was pacing by the fire. “We should’ve waited to see if the others would come back before tryin’ to steal a whole bloody ship!” 

A burly bald man replied. “How was I s’posed to know their whole crew survived? Entire crew of that other wreck was dead. Well, almost all of ‘em.” He waved his hands angrily. “Fuckin’ dwarf with a crossbow? I didn’t think that would happen!”

Piper glanced over and met Merrill’s eyes. They were talking about their attempted siege of the Lady Luck.

“That’s your bloody problem, Richie,” the woman snapped. “You don’t think. We should’ve waited. Can’t afford to lose any more men, or we can’t sail the ship out of this fuckin’ place.”

One of the other men piped up. “So we force their crew to sail the ship for us until we’re back in the Amaranthine again. What’s the big deal?”

The woman sneered at him. “Did the hurricane blow yer brain away, Grizz? There’s only five of us here. No fuckin’ idea if the others are still out there somewhere. How d’you think we’re supposed to force an entire crew of knife-ears and dwarves into doing what we want?”

“Just do ‘em like we do the slaves,” Grizz said. “Couple rounds to the head for some of ‘em, get the rest to fall in line. Show ‘em who’s boss!”

“With what fucking guns?” the woman retorted. “Brilliant bloody plan, the both of ye.”

Piper narrowed her eyes. These people were slavers in addition to trying to steal her ship? 

She’d heard enough to know what to do next. She looked at Merrill and jerked her head at the others, and they slipped away soundlessly to rejoin their companions. 

Cullen’s expression was businesslike when Piper returned to his side. “What did you find?” he asked. 

“There are five of them,” Piper said. “Four men and a woman. Slavers.”

Fenris restlessly shifted his weight, and Piper gave him a grim nod before going on. “The woman seems to be the brains of the outfit. They’re from that group of shit-eating assholes who tried to steal the Lady Luck.”

Cullen frowned. “How long have they been here?” he asked.

“Not sure,” Piper said. “But they must be from one of those wrecks on the beach. They said the crew of the other wreck were mostly dead when they arrived. They didn’t expect to find so many of our people alive.” 

Dorian wrinkled his nose. “Well, that’s reassuring,” he said sarcastically.

“Are they weakened?” Fenris asked. “Easy to eliminate?”

Rynne let out a little laugh. “That’s a very polite way to say we’re going to slit their throats.”

He turned her with a frown, and she held up her hands. “I’m not judging! In fact, I’m in. I’m ready. Let’s slit some throats.” She smiled at Piper.

Piper held up a placating hand. “Hang on. The woman implied that they’re low on ammo, but they each had at least one blade that we could see.”

Fenris nodded. “Good. Then we should–”

“Wait,” Merrill interjected. “There’s more. They might not be alone. The woman said there may be more of their people somewhere else in the forest, but she wasn’t sure they were still alive.” She suddenly straightened and smiled. “Maybe the forest swallowed them up because they’re awful people! Oh, I do hope so.”

Dorian stared at her, then turned to Fenris. “Is she serious? I can’t quite tell anymore.”

“I believe she is,” Fenris said in a flat tone. “Unfortunately.”

Cullen looked at Piper. “How do you suggest dealing with this?”

“We ambush them,” Piper said promptly. “Dorian, Fenris, Merrill and I are well-practiced at this, so we’ll take one each. I’ll keep the woman alive so we can question her. For the last one…” She looked at Cullen and Rynne. “You two can toss a coin for who takes him. I know neither of you are used to this kind of sneak attack, but you might as well start getting used to it now.”

Rynne blew out a sharp exhale, then squared her shoulders. “I’ll–”

Fenris interrupted her. “Cullen, you do it.”

Piper looked at him in surprise, and Cullen shot Rynne an uneasy look. “Ah. Um. I could, if Hawke is amenable…? ”

Rynne placed a hand on Fenris’s forearm. “Fenris, I can do this.”

“I would rather you didn’t,” he said brusquely. 

Rynne scowled and opened her mouth to protest, but Piper held up a hand before she could speak. “Fen, you’re being bossy again, but I’m going to allow it this time because we need to get this done.” She turned to Rynne, who was looking heartbreakingly disappointed. “Sit this one out, all right?”

Rynne nodded. “Captain.”

Piper squeezed her shoulder. “Next time there are slavers to kill, you’ll be my go-to girl, all right? Now let’s get moving.”

Very quietly, they crept toward the enemy’s campfire once more and split off in the thick foliage to surround the little camp, with Rynne trailing behind Fenris. A tense moment later, Piper made a soft trilling sound. 

All at once, Piper and her companions burst from the cover of the trees and rushed the camp. In less than three seconds, Fenris’s assigned foe was dead on the mossy ground, and Merrill and Dorian killed their foes moments later. Cullen’s approach was delayed by a split second – due to lack of familiarity with stealth attacks, Piper was certain – and the enemy managed to flinch away from Cullen’s dagger hand, but Cullen grabbed his shirt and sank his blade smoothly into the side of the man’s throat. 

Piper, meanwhile, ploughed straight into the female pirate’s back and shoved her with all her strength.

The woman gasped and almost stumbled straight into the fire, but Piper didn’t give her the time to recover her balance. She quickly tucked her bare foot behind the woman’s booted one and shoved her shoulder hard, tripping her and sending her sprawling onto her back. 

The woman hit the ground with a pained grunt, but she was a determined bitch; she was grabbing for the cutlass at her waist before she was even able to take a breath. Unfortunately for her, Piper was even more determined. She kneeled on the woman’s stomach with all of her weight, forcing the residual air from her lungs, then punched the woman in the nose with the heel of her hand – not so hard as to break her nose, but hard enough to make her eyes water. 

The woman released her cutlass and reached up to grab her face, and Fenris strode over and kicked the weapon away while Piper straddled the woman’s waist and sat on her belly to obstruct her breathing.

The pirate dragged in a laboured breath. “F-fuck you,” she rasped. 

Piper let out a humourless laugh. “Same to you. How many more of your crew are out there?” She lifted her weight slightly so the woman could speak.

The woman glared at her in silence, and Piper shrugged. “Fine. We’ll do this the hard way.” She pried the woman’s hands away from her face, then grabbed her injured nose and started to twist. 

The woman shrieked. “Stop, stop! Fuck! I don’t know who else is alive, all right?”

Piper released her nose. “Don’t lie to me.”

“I’m not,” the woman yelled. “We got split up. Haven’t seen the rest in days, maybe a week. Don’t know how much bloody time has passed since we got wrecked ‘ere.” 

Piper harrumphed. “How many were your crew?”

“Sixty-four in total,” the woman said. “Half of ‘em died in the freak storm that stuck us ‘ere. We wandered into this fucking forest thinking we’d find summat to eat, some water. All we find is some crumbling wreck of a temple and a bunch of dead men’s bones.”

“Temple?” Merrill said keenly. “What sort of temple?”

“The scary kind with dead bodies ‘round it, you bloody stupid knife-ear,” the woman snarled.

Piper backhanded her across the face and grabbed her nose again, making her gasp in pain. “Where is this temple?” she demanded.

“I don’t know, I don’t know!” the woman squawked. “We didn’t stay! The smarter half of us left before we could find out what killed them fellas ‘round the entrance. Bloody Ianto and the others–”

Piper’s stomach jolted at the familiar name, and Cullen straightened. “Ianto?” he said sharply. 

Piper looked up at him in alarm. Could it really be the Ianto? The same one who had kept Cullen as a prisoner ten years ago? 

The woman was still talking. “... they said they was going to go into the temple, find some old elf treasure or some shit like that, but I know a rotten egg when I smell one. Not touching that cursed place with a ten-foot pole.” 

Piper turned back to look at her. “Answer my question. Where was the temple?”

“I told you, I don’t know,” the woman said loudly. 

Piper slapped her once more. “Don’t you fucking lie to me.”

“I’m bloody not!” the woman yelled. “We can’t tell our ears from our arseholes in this Maker-forsaken forest. It was total chance we found our way back to the fucking beach!” 

Piper paused at this. This woman and her crew had gotten lost? And yet Piper and Merrill and Fenris were able to orient without a map, thanks to that weird voice-feeling-intuition thing... 

She glanced briefly at Merrill, who was watching the woman with a fascinated look on her face. Merrill gave Piper a tiny nod, and Piper looked up at the others. “Anything else you want to ask?” she said. 

“No,” Fenris said shortly. 

Cullen and Rynne shook their heads, and Dorian shrugged. “My curiosity is quite satisfied,” he said. 

“Good,” Piper said. She pulled her dagger from her thigh and stabbed the woman viciously in the neck. 

Her eyes went wide with shock. She tried to scrabble for her copiously bleeding neck, but Piper ruthlessly grabbed her hands. When the woman passed out from blood loss, Piper rose to her feet. “Strip them of anything useful and let’s move on,” she said. 

Her companions murmured their agreement and started searching the dead pirates for resources. Meanwhile, Piper sidled over to Rynne, who was looking rather pale. 

“You all right, love?” she said gently. This was the first time Rynne had ever seen Piper interrogating someone.

“I’m fine!” Rynne said brightly. “No need to fuss, Piper, I’m absolutely fine.” She kneeled next to the pirate that Fenris was looting and started haphazardly searching the dead man’s pockets. “Did you know that I’m actually very stealthy? You wouldn’t think it since I’m such a loudmouth, I know, but I used to sneak into Carver’s room all the time without him knowing. I’d move things around to see if he would notice.” She smiled at Piper. “Subtle little things, you know, like shifting his boots in the closet or moving his comb from one side of this table to the other. It was just enough of a change to drive him up the wall without him being able to accuse anyone of anything.” 

Piper studied her carefully. If not for Rynne’s perfectly cheerful smile, Piper would almost have thought that her story was a dig at Fenris for stopping her from trying a stealth kill. 

She tried to give Fenris a disapproving look, but he was scowling and stubbornly avoiding her eye. She shrugged and squeezed Rynne’s shoulder instead. “That sounds really fucking stealthy, Rynne. You and I will have to try that in Varric’s quarters when we get back to the Lady Luck. If he goes nuts, then you know you’re really stealthy.” 

Rynne beamed at her. “It’s a date.”

Piper gave her shoulder a hearty pat, then returned to Cullen’s side. Rynne might have forgiven Fenris, but Piper was definitely going to crack down on him the next time he tried to be a controlling ass. 

An hour later, when the waning sun had left the forest in darkness, Piper and her companions were settling in for the night at their own little makeshift camp. They were forgoing a fire in case it attracted enemies, relying instead on the dimmer light of the small oil lanterns that they had brought along for this very purpose. They had already eaten their supper of hardtack and dried meat, and Merrill was busily working on translating the charcoal rubbing from the wolf monument while the others discussed the events of the day. 

Dorian pursed his lips thoughtfully. “That thing she said about their crew getting disoriented in the forest. That was interesting, yes?” He tapped his notebook, which was open on the ground in front of him. “Especially with how much trouble I’ve been having trying to map this place. Merrill was able to help me a bit, but it’s quite absurd, really. I never usually have difficulties with mapping, seeing as how clever I am.”

Fenris huffed and ran his whetstone along the length of his scimitar. “Dorian, do you think that if you keep telling everyone how clever and handsome you are, they will eventually believe you?”

Dorian shot him a charming grin. “I didn’t say anything about handsome, Fenris. Interesting that you came to that adjective on your own. Is there something you wanted to tell me? An amusing proposal of marriage, perhaps?”

Fenris shot him a flat look, and Rynne giggled and leaned into Fenris’s side. “Nice try, Dorian, but if you want to get to Fenris, you’ll have to go through me.” 

Fenris smirked and continued to sharpen his blade. Piper, meanwhile, was idly watching as Merrill studiously inspected her charcoal rubbing and cross-referenced it with her own notebook of Elvhen glyphs. 

After a while of watching in silence, Piper spoke. “Hey, Merrill?

“Yes, Piper?” Merrill said distractedly. 

Piper awkwardly tugged one of her braids before going on. “In the… the elf dreams we’re all having. The voice says something in Elvhen, but I can never remember what. Can you?”

Fenris looked up attentively at her question, and Merrill finally lifted her eyes from her parchment. “Yes,” she said. “And in fact, I think it might mirror what I’m seeing in this inscription.” She sat back and looked at them all. “The dream voice says this: ‘I will find her. Until then, they will know sorrow.’”

Piper’s stomach jolted uncomfortably. ‘They will know sorrow’? That did not sound good. 

Oblivious to Piper’s discomfiture, Merrill was pointing to a particular line in her charcoal rubbing. “And here in the inscription, there’s a reference to a–”

“Wait a minute,” Fenris interrupted. “‘They will know sorrow’? That is what the voice says?” He put down his whetstone. “The voice that lured us here and is pulling us around in this cursed forest: it said ‘they will know sorrow’?”

His tone grew increasingly sharp and incredulous as he went on, and Merrill frowned. “Yes, Fenris, that’s what I said,” she replied. “And as for who the ‘she’ might be, I think–”

Fenris cut her off again. “You were aware of this premonition, and still you brought us here?” 

Merrill folded her arms. “Why are you getting so angry? I thought you didn’t believe in the Elvhen gods.” 

Her tone was challenging and very slightly snide, and Piper grimaced and glanced cautiously at Fenris. Indeed, he was positively glowering at Merrill now. “I don’t, because they don’t exist!”

“They obviously do, and you know it,” Merrill retorted. “You can feel it. That’s why you’re scared.”

He rose to his feet and pointed at her accusingly. “What scares me is your presumption that this cursed forest is safe, if you knew all along that that voice was an omen of ill fortune!”

Merrill pouted. “It’s not a sign of ill fortune. Look at all the evidence!” She started counting off her fingers. “That voice only talks to the elves. It helped us get to this beach without smashing the Lady Luck to pieces–”

“That was a near miss, and you know it,” Fenris snapped.

Merrill ignored him. “–and there’s a perfect statue of the Dread Wolf in the middle of the forest that no one except us has seen in ages? That’s proof!”

“Proof of what?” Fenris demanded.

“That this forest is protected by Fen’Harel!” Merrill exclaimed.

Fenris recoiled at this, and Piper stared at Merrill in total bemusement. The others all seemed equally nonplussed; no one spoke for a few long seconds.

Cullen was the first to speak. “Protected by, er, Fen’Harel?” he said faintly.

“I’m confused,” Rynne said. 

“I am too,” Dorian said. “Correct me if I’m wrong, but anything involving the Dread Wolf is a bad thing, isn’t it?”

Merrill waved impatiently in the direction of the camp they’d eradicated. “For those humans, yes, but not for us. We’re safe and protected because Fen’Harel is guiding us!” She poked her parchment. “It says right here: Fen’Harel ma ghilana. ‘Fen’Harel guide you’, and that’s what he’s been doing!”

“Shut your mouth,” Fenris snarled.

Merrill gasped, and Piper shot him a forbidding look. “Fenris,” she said warningly. 

Fenris ignored her and gestured angrily at Merrill. “You knew this forest was a trap. A – a cesspool of danger thrumming in the air and straight into our ears. And you led us here.” 

“It is not dangerous!” Merrill insisted. “We’re protected!”

“And what about Hawke?” Fenris yelled. “And Cullen and Dorian?”

“Thank you, Fenris,” Dorian interjected. “I knew you cared.”

Fenris ignored him as well and continued to glare at Merrill. “You claim that we are protected, but what about them?”

“They’re protected because they’re with us,” Merrill said impatiently.

“You don’t know that!” Fenris shouted.

Merrill folded her arms and lifted her chin. “You know what, Fenris? Fine. Don’t believe me. No one ever does. But I know I’m right.”

His face twisted with rage, and Piper held up a hand. “Fenris,” she said firmly.

He exhaled hard, then snatched one of the oil lanterns from the ground. He pointed at Merrill once more. “If any harm comes to them, it is your fault,” he snarled. Then he began to stalk away. 

“Hey. Don’t go wandering off,” Piper barked.

“I need a minute alone,” he yelled, and he strode into the forest. 

Rynne rose to her feet, taking another lantern with her. “Well, that was invigorating,” she said brightly. “I don’t know about you, but Fenris yelling always gets my blood pumping.” She jerked her thumb in his direction. “I’ll just, er…”

Dorian grimaced. “Careful, Hawke. When he says he wants a moment alone, he means it.”

Rynne looked at him, and her face was uncharacteristically serious. “Not from me,” she said. “He doesn’t get to walk away from me.” She hurried into the dark after Fenris. 

Piper watched her go, then sighed and ran her hands through her hair. Then Cullen wrapped his arm around her shoulders.

Piper leaned into him, suddenly and violently grateful that he was there. He’d been rather quiet through all of this, and it wasn’t until now that Piper realized how much she was cherishing his quiet and solid presence at her side. 

“Piper,” Merrill said softly. “You believe me, don’t you? You believe the forest is safe?”

Piper gazed into Merrill’s big green eyes. She wanted to say yes; she wanted to believe that this forest was safe, because if it wasn’t – if there was danger here, to Rynne or Dorian or her beloved Golden Boy – then they’d have to turn around. Piper would have to return to the Lady Luck empty-handed, with nothing to show for the suffering she’d brought upon her crew. 

But Fenris’s words to Merrill were ringing in her ears. If any harm comes to them, it is your fault. He’d yelled this at Merrill, but Piper knew the truth: If any harm came to her human companions, it would be Piper’s fault, not Merrill’s. Piper had signed off on Merrill’s plan, and Piper was the captain of the Lady Luck. If any harm came to Cullen or Dorian or Rynne, it would be Piper’s fault. 

But the thought of going back to the Lady Luck with nothing to offer the rest of her crew – of not providing her crew with the lucrative bounty and luxurious lives they deserved, especially when a very promising-sounding ancient temple was looming in the forest somewhere not too far away…   

“Please, Piper,” Merrill pleaded. “Trust me. I know what I’m talking about.” 

Piper gazed at her for a moment longer. If she was honest, she didn’t have a great feeling about all of this. But she was Captain Piper Lavellan, and Captain Piper Lavellan didn’t balk in the face of danger. 

“Don’t worry, Merrill,” she said. “We’re moving forward with our little adventure.” 

Merrill smiled and clapped her hands, then went back to her translations. Dorian shuffled over to sit next to Merrill while she worked, and Piper pulled Cullen’s arm more securely around her neck and tried to focus on his comforting scent of spice and leather and sweat.  

Like Fenris, she wasn’t convinced that the mysterious voice was really the voice of Fen’Harel, or that they were quite as safe as Merrill believed. But all she could do was push forward and hope that things would turn out for the best. 

All she could do was keep making her own luck. 

#where the winds of fortune take me #pirate au #cullen rutherford #fenris #Merril #dorian pavus #cullen/lavellan #cullavellan #cullen x lavellan #fenhawke #fenris/hawke #fenris x hawke #fenris/femhawke #fenris x femhawke #fenris/f!hawke #fenris x f!hawke #fenrynne #piperford #pikapeppa writes #pikascout

[actiivevisiion]

Here We Go!

Oh My Gosh! I cannot believe I am doing this! I know this might come at an awkward time - but, this is my first blog post on the Tumblr Universe! Before I begin I just want to say whether I see you when I stream on Twitch, Twitter, Instagram, etc. thank you for all supporting me time and time again! You are truly amazing human beings to share this world with and without you, I could not be happier! Let me start here! For the people who are new or just recently coming across my name, my name is Jessica!  A lot of people know me by my username of ActiiveVisiion on Twitch. I am a variety broadcaster that currently streams a variety of games, like the Bioshock and Assassin’s Creed series to Destiny 2 and Call of Duty series. I am a transgender woman and have been transitioning for about three years (33 months). I currently live in Orlando, FL and have the best job in the world (to me at least). I have a family of my Mom and two amazing brothers residing in Florida as well. I have a wonderful cat, Aspen, which is about a year old. We do not unfortunately know what bread she is, but we know she has Dilute Calico fur. I will have funny pictures to show you later as she is really adorable. Now into the blog post…. I did want to really tell you something. Tonight was a surreal and memorable moment for me. I have always wanted to start a blog (as I just did) about what my thoughts are, what is happening in my life on a more personal level, and be able to interact in a different way instead of just social media and Twitter. I have always been encouraged to be able to help as many people as I can, whether it is in this town, country, or even around the world. I am so fortunate to be in your lives and being able to do this through Twitch. I am grateful for all friendships I currently have or have had in the past (yes, I forgive and start anew). (The [!!!] Will indicate the start and stop of a Trigger Warning) When my blog was all set up, I remembered I had an old Tumblr account that I had before I was in transition. I logged in and I was speechless. This was the first time since I felt it was time to leave Tumblr in 2015. I found Twitch to be my find myself to express how I truly felt. I had flashback moments as a young adult where it was difficult for myself to live as a male. For instance, it gave me a flashback of where I can only express myself through a screen behind closed doors. [!!!] This eventually gave me isolation and mental breakdowns where I wanted to attempt suicide, and I almost did. The night that I had my first suicide attempt was rough. I felt that I could not be true and that I was living a false life. I tried to suffocate myself through a couple of pillows at night when I laid down to sleep. All of a sudden I was gasping for air trying to catch my breath. I realized that I had to live for a reason…I did not know then that I was here for a reason, and eventually I know that I am after my first “real” suicide attempt (we will go into details about that another day). [!!!] Other instances came up that I was reminded of as well! As I took showers and baths as a kid and adolescent, I used to cover these parts with the soap. Also, I remember putting soap clumps on my chest thinking that they were breasts and covering my private parts with soap. I guess what I can tell is that I have come a long way. Just seeing this blog made me feel even more accomplished that I was able to become not the man I was, but the woman who I was meant to be. I just wanted to talk and tell you all some of the nostalgia that I felt. I really feel relieved, but terrified for the same reason.  I just wanted to tell you what has been on my mind for a very long time. I was laying in bed last night wishing that things went back the way they were. The friendships and relationships that I had before my suicide attempt I truely miss. I have always felt out of the loop of everything since my return last March. I always felt that I could stream for a very long time. But, as the days go on, my feelings for Twitch have deepy diminished. Many people have approached me to tell me that I look so much happier in real life and on stream. In all honesty, I am not really as of recently. I felt the need of rebuilding those relationships with everyone, but I have had people look at me less and less as time fades. I have faced a lot of turmoil in my life, whether it is on stream or in the real world, but I feel that most of these people have thrown me away like a freshly bloomed pink rose. Due to this coronavirus, we have had to separate from each other, making me feel more isolated from each other. For myself, I have not had social interaction in person except towards my roommate for a few minutes a day. I have been having interactions with Aspen, though. But, this pandemic has been on a path of destruction since it started and it might not go away anytime soon. This is where I would lean on my friends, being able to survive on caring for each other and showing our love. I feel nothing and just numb. I feel like I cannot do this without your help. We need to do something together now so other people do not feel like this. As my time drifts away from Twitch, I come closer to the reality of the past….I do have a couple of people to talk to, and that is a blessing. But, besides these selected few, no one really checks up on me and it hurts. Friendships are two way streets. I feel like I am worthless to the point of why am I even on Twitch. I have never been able to make any dream of mine a reality, whether it is on Twitch or just in life. It is just killing me from the inside out and I just want help from all of you. This is why I have not been able to stream. I feel no compassion, support, love, and have very limited friendships on this platform. People also would say, “Jessica, why do you not take another break?” I will answer that question right here. It is because it is something I am passionate about. I feel like when I am on camera, I can make a difference in someone else’s life. I feel that I can do so much good but I cannot do it without feeling your love and friendships. I have done a lot of soul searching just to figure out this one part of my journey. This is what came out of it. I am alone in this world, to fight my own battles and wars. The world is a beautiful place to share it with, and I feel like I do not have barely any friendships to share it with. This is why I cannot stream as much as I do, and I am deeply sorry. All I want is forgiveness and being able to move forward with our friendships. I want to start thinking positive again and being happy around all of you. Green Day says in its first verse in their song Boulevard of Broken Dreams, “I walk a lonely road, the one that I have ever known. Don’t know where it goes, but it’s only me, and I walk alone.” Help me feel happy again. I think we can do it.  Pre-Transition Tumblr: journeyfromwithin.tumblr.com

#mtf #actually mtf #mtf trans #maletofemale #transgender #trans woman #transgirl #transwomen #happiness #sadness #love #beautiful #disbelief #heart #twitch #twitchstreamer #lgbtq #lgbt #lgbtqia #lgbtq+

[samanthabb]

Nct dream fanfic (Uwu)

NCT dream fluff reaction x Reader being their noona and bringing them snacks or drinks JISUNG:

You were late to school...again. You hated being late, because every time you were late, you would meet him on your way to school. And today wasn't an exception.

Jisung saw you on the distance and he instantly started following you. You kinda tried to avoid him running away, but then you heard a strange noise, so you decided to  turn back, just to find out jisung fell down seconds ago. You felt awkwardly guilty, so you tried to help him out.

2 days later he came back to school with a broken leg, so you thought it would be nice to buy some of his favourite snacks for him.

-Oh are this snacks ´cause you feel guilty?- he said.

-You are welcome, Jisung.

-It was a joke, noona. Wait, thanks!- He said as you made your way out of the room.

Since that day you and jisung go to school together UwU.

CHENLE:

-Hey look at this weirdo.

-I know, he barely talks, he's a loser.

You heard someone from second grade talking.

-Hey, what are you guys talking about? -You asked them

-Just this guy here, he´s new.

You walk towards him until you see that poor boy who didn’t understand a thing of what they said.

-Hey! Are you a foreigner?

-Yes, I´m chinese- he said.

-I am chinese too- You reply on chinese.

-Really?- He said with a big smile in his face.

-Yes, do you want to eat some snacks at the cafe?

-Sure.

You both walk out of the room as the rest of the class still tries to understand what you said.

You bought Chenle some snacks and gave him advice about bullies, and offering him your protection.

-Thanks… Noona.

You suddenly flutter because of his sweet smile.

You and Chenle became besties since that day.

JAEMIN:

Jaemin had always loved skinship. His love for skinship was almost as strong as your hate towards it. You were opposites, but also best friends, so you tolerated each other (more or less).

It was August 13th, and Jaemin and you were enjoying your time at the cinema. After the movie ends you both go out, Jaemin stares at you for a while:

-Can you... hug me?

-W-What? Hell to the no.

-Pretty please- He said almost crying.

-Why do you want me to hug you all of a sudden? You know I don't like it.

-It´s my birthday!- He said, bursting into tears.

You ran away in a hurry to buy his favourite snacks and give them to him as quick as possible. Seeing it didn’t work, you decided to hug him, in a dessperate attempt to make him smile. He instantly hugged you back with a big smile drawn in his face.

-Omg i can't believe it, you´re so fluffy hduiasghdilas

-Can you just stop this torture?- you ask him a little bit done with all this drama.

HAECHAN:

He's always pranking everyone, that's not new, so while you were waiting for him to arrive, you decided to prank him for the first time pouring some salt in his coke.

Once he arrived you gave him the coke without saying a word, which he interpreted as you asked him out.

-Oh.. I didn't know you felt that way. I know I'm awesome, so it's not a surprise tho.

-W-What?- You asked as he drinks his coke which he spits out right away.

You started laughing at him 

-Gotcha!

-Oh I see, it was a good prank. You learned from the best tho.

-What are you talking about?

-I´ll get my revenge.

-Sure thing- You said, while you were still laughing

-So… the dating thing…

-Dating thing?- You ask more serious.

-I mean not everyone receives a coke from you everyday.

-What are you talking about Haechanie?

-I like you.

You pat his head while saying “We´ll talk about that in two years or so”

JENO:

He is allergic to cats but still has them, so he thought his flower´s allergy wouldn't be a big deal. He bought some flowers for you because he likes you.

-Um, noona, this fl-flo- (achoo) flowers are for you.

-Are you okay jeno?

-I am okay I j- (acho) just. Take the flowers please.

-I am actually allergic to flowers and it seems like you are too.

You take the flowers and put them in a table near you.

-Let´s just go outside, shall we?

-Yess- He said happily.

You both walked down the streets talking about life in general, until you reach a convenience store where you bought some chocolate milk.

-Hey look Jeno, it's similar to the one you advertised when you were a kid.

-Hey! stop that, it’s embarrassing.

-That is actually cute. You can drink it though.

Jeno looks at the milk you gave him and then looks at you smiling.

-Thanks!!

RENJUN:

He is so good at knitting that he is always giving clothes made by himself as gifts. So when he gave you a sweater you were so grateful that you bought him another gift: FOOD.

You were all nervous ready to give this boy some nice snacks.

-Hi Renjun, I bought you this- You said giving the snacks to him.

-Oh thank you but, why?

-Because of the sweater you gave me, it was so soft and warm and…

-Oh that one I bought on that little store you like?

-You what?

-I bought it??

-I thought you made it.

-Ah, no I didn´t- he said laughing.

-Then give me my snacks.

-Only if you catch me- He said starting to run.

You followed him, continuing his game until he stopped after eating everything.

-Don´t worry noona, the next sweater will be handmade by me- He said with a smile.

You smiled too and you both kept playing with each other the whole day.

MARK:

Since Mark debuted, he has been so busy that you two couldn´t meet at all. But that day he had some free time so both of you decided to hang out.

-I have heard a lot of your songs.

-Really? Did you like them?

-Yes, but I have my favourite subunit.

-127? It's so cool right?

-Yeah, but it isn't my favourite.

-Nct U? -Nop.

-Nct wayv?

-No

-Then Nct 2018?

-No, Nct dream.

-But I'm not in nct dream.

-You are.

-I A M N O T. I graduated, like the We Go Up thing, that was my graduation.

-But Nct dreams is where nct babies are… And you still being a baby.

-I am what?

-Mark, do not try to deny.

-I am a grown up.

-You sure are, but you still a baby in my heart.

-But…

-Look Mark I got you some of your favourite snacks.

-Really?- He said happily.

-Yeah, go eat some.

(Mark is still a baby fight me)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Extra uwu

LUCAS:

(Yes Lucas is on Nct Dream in his heart so here he is)

You were so excited because you finally could meet nct dream, your favourite kpop group so you bought them some snacks for the fanmeeting.

Suddenly Lucas appeared right in front of you.

-Are those snacks for me?

-Mmm no, these are actually for nct dream, my babies UWU.

-I am in Nct dream too, give me those snacks.

-You are not Lucas.

-I am, look (starts dancing and singing to chewing gum)

-Hahaha, you are not. Now I will get going.

-But I am Mark´s friend I will give it to him.

-No thanks, I want to give it to them by myself.

-Actually I was going to debut with Nct dream, but I was too handsome.

-Wasn´t it because you were too old?

-Look I can call you noona, as they do.

-I´m younger than you.

-Pleeeeaseeee, would you give me some snackssss pleaseeeee.

-(sigh) Okay, you can have it, it doesn´t matter anymore.

-Yessss, let's go eat together- He said grabbing your arm.

And that's it for today´s fic

#nct #nct dream #fic #fanfic #soft #babies #nct chum #lua #renjun #haechan #mark #jaemin #chenle #jisung #jeno #reaction #noona

[rosedalemike]

The Mood: Blog #11 “WTF is next, ROSEDALE?!”

     I've had so many random ideas for what this next blog should be about. I wanna try to stay on track with the story of Rosedale's farewell/next chapter as that seems to be the most common topic with the lovely Rosedaliens that have been coming out to shows.      But the truth is that I'm just as unsure as everyone else. I don't even have a clear vision of what I picture September looking like. I guess my plan in September is to plan what 2019 is going to look like. 2019 seems so much further than it actually is, I'm sure.      The only things I'm sure of are that I would like to: 1: be a helpful contribution to music scenes (artists, venues, promoters, fans etc.) using more than just my own voice. 2: keep making new music under a different name (using my voice ...maybe some features...maybe a band? Who knows. I'd love for someone else to decide that.) 3: continue to work with other artists on their art and ideas.      I know those are all vague ideas. And regarding the name delema; I have a giant draft email to myself (the most common email address in my inbox is [email protected]) that has a bunch of artist names and band names. Some are pretty good, some are not. 

Self-Lyric Party: 

" 'cause I live entirely for the self-satisfaction that I made this- I turn Whiter than a song in C as I watch the room empty No! Just press on, believe. My numbers are truly sad Tell me again; can I beat Quicksand? Yes I Can! " - Quicksand

    As I check back to my last blog (to see how I quote/credit a lyric party...to keep continuity) I noticed that google placed a Chipotle add on the right side of the blog page! This is likely because I searched Chipotle at least 10 times in this past week. And that is because there is new company in the new Rosedale crew already and Chipotle sometimes hooks up traveling musicians with free food. 

     Her name is Siena. We all know Bryan, right? (cousin, hockey guy, #1 merch dude/email address collector...) Siena is the female Bryan. But luckily, she's not my cousin. I mean it'd be awesome to have known her all my life (like I've known Bryan all my life,) but for "heart-crush" reasons, I'm really glad she's most definitely not my cousin. 

     I met Siena at our San Diego show in November 2017. I say "our" because she's in a band called Going Postal, and they played that Soma show too. Like many bands today, they'll admit that their future is a giant question mark. But unlike many bands today, they sound awesome! 

Check them out

.https://goingpostalca.bandcamp.com/releases

     I call Siena "S Money" because one of her friends she was facetiming called her that and I, too, wanted to sound gangsta- "DJ $ Money" to be exact. Siena is finishing her final online college classes while traveling around America with me and selling my merch. When she's not selling merch she's helping me move my insane amounts of gear. When she's not selling merch and moving my insane amounts of gear she's teaching me how to promote in a more professional manner by helping me post enticing social media posts/stories/streams more regularly/organically. 

     Siena is a very kind-hearted, helpful champion that is way too chill to be so attractive. I just may be the luckiest Tall Canadian with Way Too Much Gear to have her on tour with me. After this tour she's moving to LA to become a world famous movie star so I only have about a month more of her awesomeness. She likes animals a lot, especially animal memes/vines. Mostly cats and dogs. So share/send any good ones and I'll make sure she sees them. (I'm also currently tethering off her wifi hotspot because all of Ohio's wifi is down right now.)

      Now that I've made you feel warm with paragraphs of cute kittens and puppies and rock n' roll princesses and awesome music and free Chipotle and sharing wifi; I must reveal some bad news; MY BACK IS F**KED!!! I somehow slowly injured my lower back while walking down some rusty stairs at the wrestling ring venue in Benwood, WV last Tuesday. I was getting ready to catch a little light-up-with-movement Nerf football, moving no different than any human casually walking down a set of stairs- then all of a sudden I felt my back juice trickling into the lower center of my back.     Don't be alarmed, this is not a career ending injury or anything. This actually happens to me every two years or so. And this time is not nearly as bad as the last time (when I was filling in for my Dad in his Canadian Tire men's hockey league and I casually skated behind my net to find out how 3 weeks of near paralyzing lower back pain felt.)      It's funny; when people ask if I have tall people back problems and I'm not dealing with back problems at that given moment, I usually reply "nope". But as soon as I do experience my dual-annually (I made up that word...) back pain, I remember the last time I had severe back pain.       So anyway, I had to cancel two shows and I'm not happy about it. It's getting better. I'm three days without pain relief meds. Stretching a lot. Rubbing Tiger Balm and Icey Hot every few hours. Just taking it easy in Cincinnati until Atlanta's show on Tuesday. That show is gonna be really awesome and there’s no way I’m missing it.      I played drums for a band on Warped tour in Dallas too. That was pretty fun. I learned their songs in three days. They have a lot of air horns in their music so I went kind of overboard with the Roland Pad's air horn sample. (Maybe that's why they found a replacement drummer for Pittsburgh Warped.)      It was fun seeing the Warped Tour for the last year and getting to play on stage again. We also went to the Cincinnati Warped Tour and learned what heat stroke felt like.

     Enough updates on my odd summer. I'll wrap it up with some insightful life/music stuff as I'm hanging out with the infamous Alex Baker.  https://alexanderbaker.bandcamp.com/ First though, his dad told us one of the greatest dad joke of all time: 

DAD JOKE PARTY:

"I was trying to think of a good reason to go to Switzerland and then I realized the flag was a big plus." 

But for real; we were talking about how things would be so different if we had just been understanding with our ex-bandmates in the golden years. We were all young and surrounded by the odd discovery of egos driven by art/success.  Alex was in a band called Dewey Decibel  https://alexanderbaker.bandcamp.com/album/the-dusting-dewey-decibel They had a fun indie style with a really organic, interesting production. Dewey Decibel recorded their album in their house in Nashville. From the sounds of it, once they started getting attention from NPR and local radio stations things started getting to everyone's heads. 

     It's not uncommon for a band to get along really well when things are on the up then fall apart when the going gets tough. The more I see it the more I understand the damage it did to Rosedale.      But on the other end of that unfortunate reality is the fact that I never would have met Alex Baker if the Rockstar ego-turmoil didn't happen to Dewey Decibel and Rosedale. I probably wouldn't have met Siana (AKA DJ $ Money) either. I'm not preaching that everything happens for a reason. I'm just kinda preaching that if you take the inevitable destructive events in life and turn them into fuel to move on and stay positive, better relationships grow. And those relationships are better because you've grown and learned how to be a better person.       So, like I keep driving home in all of these "Farewell Blogs", I'm looking forward to where things go. I'm happy I've experienced all the curveballs along the way to teach me how to eventually hit some home runs. I feel like I'm on the right track with these new friends that I've only met through grinding past the hard times and pressing on for what I had my heart set on.       Do you ever think of how you came to know some of your best friends? Like what events led them/you there that day and how grateful you are for those events and the transparent friendships they created? I know facebook gives us the ol "5 years of friendship" tag or whatever. But sometimes I see those and think "ohhh if you only knew, facebook...me and Casey Phillips go WAY BACK!"      Anyway that's all for now. If you've been thinking of meeting me or Siena or Alex Baker the best way/time to do it is to come out to an event we're at and experience some in person hangouts. This will be the last few weeks of touring for quite some time for me so really try to highlight these dates and make a solid effort to come catch a show. I promise you will not regret it. 

UPCOMING SHOWS:  7/24 - Atlanta,GA @ The Masquerade  7/27 - Jacksonville, FL @ Jackrabbits 7/29 - St. Augustine, FL @ Sarbez 8/3 - Pittsburgh, PA @ Black Forge Coffee 8/4 - Niagara, NY @ Evening Star 8/7 - Brampton, ON @ Spot 1 8/10 - Charleston, WV @ The Empty Glass 8/11 - Myrtle Beach, SC @ TBA Then a bunch of East Coast tour dates.

#Rosedale #farewell #chipotle #touring #warped tour #blog #themood #dadjokes #backjuice #brokebackmike #atlanta #music #allages #shows #newmusic #hashtag #warpedtour #alexbaker

[livingthroughchoices-blog]

The Marshmallow Chronicles (Ch. 2: Welcome to Cordonia)

Prev | Next

Rating: T

Pairing: Drake x MC

Words: 1,761

By the time Drake got up the next morning, Liam had gone back to Cordonia for some diplomatic event, thankfully taking Tariq – always eager to suck up to nobles – with him. Maxwell had already gone for a run, showered and had breakfast.

“Finally! Ten more minutes and I would’ve had to wake you up!” said Maxwell, handing him a croissant from the fancy bakery down the street.

“And then I would’ve had to kick your ass,” Drake’s sharp tone was undercut by the grateful look he gave Maxwell. He hungrily tore into his croissant.

“So, listen, I had an idea...”

“Maxwell, is this about your stupid underwater club again?! Because I swear to God–”

"Hey! I stand by Club Sub! It’s a great idea and you’ll regret not getting in on the ground fl...” he feels Drake glaring and him and chooses to let it go. “Anyway, no, this is not about that. It’s about Riley.”

“Riley who?” Drake asked absentmindedly, wiping crumbs off his mouth.

“Are you serious? The waitress from yesterday?”

Drake had the decency to feel ashamed of himself. “Right, that Riley, sure. So, what’s your idea?”

“We should bring her to Cordonia! You know, to surprise Liam! House Beaumont could sponsor her!”

“What! How is this worse than Club Sub?!”

“For the last time, Club Sub is going to be a WILD success, and this is also a great idea. Think about it, Liam practically fell for her in one night; it would be the best surprise! Not to mention, this could be my chance to help House Beaumont. Bertrand would be so happy!”

Drake shook his head. “I should have known; this isn’t about Liam at all, is it? This is just about restoring your House to its ‘former glory’ or whatever. And you’re gonna be using some random girl who might end up destroyed.” He scoffed in disgust, “You people.”

“Whoa whoa whoa, that’s not true! Of course it’s about Liam. And I promise, there will be full disclosure: Riley will know what to expect and what we get out of sponsoring her. She will only come if she really wants to, you have my word.” 

“Fine, but for the record, this is a terrible idea. She won’t last 2 days.”

“Noted.” Maxwell grinned.

Drake waited in the cab to the airport while Maxwell asked Riley to come with them. 

This is so stupid. 

He sighed. How was some clueless girl from New York going to survive the court? Hell, Savannah hadn’t and she’d been a part of it her whole life...

This train of thought was welcomely interrupted by the arrival of Maxwell and – he groaned – Riley.

“So, you’re coming with us, huh?” he asked tonelessly.

“Looks like it!” She looked absolutely ecstatic. 

She���s not half as nervous as she should be. 

He shrugged and turned to look out the window.

Drake hadn’t said much on the way back to Cordonia; he figured between Maxwell and Riley they had the conversation side of things more than covered. He wasn’t wrong. Other than sleeping, they had done little else than talk about Cordonia: how beautiful it was, how wealthy, how nice the people were. 

This was definitely all true – with the exception of some people – but Drake felt a sense of urgency. Why tell her about all the good stuff, instead of warning her about the bad stuff? He’d hate for her to go into this blindly.

“Say ‘goodbye’ to New York and ‘hello’ to Cordonia!” Maxwell was almost as excited as Riley was, looking out the window impatiently.

“I can’t believe this is actually happening...”

He couldn’t keep it in any longer. She had to know. “Believe it. We’ll be landing soon, ready or not. And if you’re not ready, those ladies at court are going to eat you alive.”

Maxwell looked at him reproachfully. “Yeesh, don’t scare her, Drake. You okay, Riley?”

Riley turned to look directly at Drake, defiant. “Honestly... I’m not afraid of anything.”

Cocky. At least she had a good attitude. “Heh. We’ll see once we land.”

“I don’t get why you’re being so grim about this...” she phrased it like a question. 

It irritated him. It’s not like he had no reason to be grim; he’d seen this happen before. 

He told her as much, “Look, no offense, but I’ve seen girls like you come and go. It never ends well. Not for you, not for Liam, not for the royal family.”

That last part was not strictly true, Liam had never seriously fallen for a foreigner before, but he figured his main purpose should be to dissuade her from this whole idiocy before it was too late.

Maxwell retorted with indignation, “Riley’s not some crown-chaser.”

“Drake... to be fair, YOU’RE more my type,” she smirked.

Drake thought he misheard. He ran through the sentence in his head and once he was sure she’d actually said that, decided it must have been a joke, “Hah.”

“I’m serious. I don’t usually go for rich boys, much less royalty.”

Is she for real? Not that it even matters. 

Still, Drake felt a ridiculous blush creep up his neck. Fortunately, at that moment, Maxwell let out an excited exclamation, so no one noticed.

“Hey, look! You can see Cordonia out the window! Riley, you won’t want to miss this!”

Riley hurried to Maxwell’s side, while Drake looked out the next window. It really was breathtaking. The crystalline ocean surrounded a mountainous island, which was all but covered in homogenous red-tiled roofs. On a tall, forested hill stood a magnificent palace.

“That’s Cordonia? It’s like something out of a fairy tale! The sparkling ocean, the swaying trees–”

“If you burst into song, I’m jumping out of the plane.” Drake quipped.

Riley chuckled, “I’m just saying it’s beautiful.”

Maxwell seemed relieved she’d liked it. “It is, isn’t it? Are you ready?”

“Ready as I’ll ever be.”

The journey from the royal family’s private hangar to the palace was a short one. When Riley caught the first glimpse of the imposing building, her mouth fell open.

“...the Royal Palace. Welcome to you home for the next few months, Riley.”

“This is where I’m staying? I didn’t realize I’d be living in the palace!” she was practically vibrating with excitement.

“Most of the nobility live here while the social season is underway... Including all the ladies vying for Liam’s hand.”

“Yeah, living under one roof just makes it easier to attend the rose ceremony later...” Drake smirked.

Maxwell rolled his eyes, “Drake’s just kidding... at least about the roses. Anyway, I’ll show you to your room, Riley...”

"This is my cue to take off. See you around... if you’re lucky.” He waved at her and turned his back, not waiting for her to respond.

He headed towards the grounds, where he’d be meeting Bastien for training. His mentor was already waiting for him.

“Hey, Drake, you’re a bit late.” It wasn’t a reproach, more like a question.

“Yeah, we took off 20 minutes later than we’d planned.”

“Why? You seem annoyed.”

“Maxwell insisted we bring this girl...”

“A girl? What are you talking about?”

Drake filled Bastien in on the Riley situation. To his surprise, he didn’t seem upset.

“Bastien, we don’t know this girl, we don’t know anything about her! That has to bother you!”

“Obviously I’ll run a background check, but if she’s just a regular girl, like I suspect, then what’s the harm? I think you should reflect on why you’re so bothered by her.”

“Wh– I-I’m not that bothered,” Drake spluttered, “I just... you know what it’s like here... Savannah...”

Bastien put an arm on his shoulder, “You’re jumping to conclusions. We still don’t know the circumstances under which your sister chose to leave,” he saw Drake was about to protest and he put his hand up, “however, even if a member of the court is to blame, that doesn’t mean this lady will suffer the same fate. She is not Savannah.”

Drake rubbed his face, “You’re right, I know. But still, she should know what she’s in for.”

“And I have no doubt you’ll warn her pleasantly,” Bastien teased. “Now, let’s train.”

After a grueling half hour of self-defense practice, Drake went to his room and showered. Once he got dressed, he finally checked his voicemail. 

He’d followed Savannah’s faint trace, through the internet, phone calls and long shots, up to a hotel in the northern coast of Spain. He’d called to inquire about her before their trip to New York. The receptionist he talked to was new and hadn’t seen her, but she offered to ask her colleague. Time to see if his search had led anywhere.

He had one new voice message and it was from the hotel. His heart soared when the other receptionist confirmed that he had seen someone fitting Savannah’s description, only to drop down to his feet when he followed this up by saying she’d left two days ago and left no contact information.

Another dead-end. Whatever had happened to her, she really didn’t want to be found.

“Riley Addams of New York.”

Drake looked up from his champagne at this announcement to see Riley confidently entering the room. He’d been wrong about her the first day; she was definitely above average. Tonight, wearing a bold red dress complete with a black mask and devil horns, she looked striking. To his surprise, she spotted him and walked towards him.

“So, you showed up after all.”

“Well, you’re as charming as ever,” she replied, though not unpleasantly.

“Hah. Compared to most of the nobles here, I’m your best friend.”

“Drake... I believe you.”

For some reason, this exasperated him. 

She doesn’t know the half of it, or she would have left. I guess it’s better than nothing. 

“That’s the first smart thing you’ve said.”

She finally looked mad at him. “Thanks.” She turned to leave.

Drake reached for her arm, “Look, I’m not trying to be a jerk. I’m just trying to help.” 

“You have a very peculiar way of helping.” 

Drake looked down at his feet, feeling self-conscious. He never knew how to handle these things. He didn’t mean to come off that harsh, but better that than whatever happened to... 

Nope, we’re not thinking about that right now.

“I’m just saying the things that I wish someone would’ve told me a long time ago. Anyway, if you’ll excuse me, I could use another glass of champagne... Good luck, Riley.”

For the first time, he meant it.

#trr #drake walker #drake x mc #prince liam #hana lee #maxwell beaumont #playchoices #choices #pixelberry #fanfic #ch 2 #the marshmallow chronicles #long post

[panda-noosh]

My love Ji-oppa is enlisting tomorrow and i wanna cry im gonna miss him so much 😭😭😭❤❤❤❤ could you please do a scenario or HC's for jiyong x fem!reader where they're both dreading the separation and when he's talking to fans on stage at BB's last concert, he cries and talks to them about how much he's going to miss his sweetheart (she's backstage listening), then he makes the snap decision to propose to her (1)

And the other boys run and grab her to bring her on stage where GD just improvises and takes off one of his rings that he’s wearing and asks her properly to marry him in front of the while audience and the band so that whilst he’s away she has the distraction of planning the wedding? F L U F F and happiness and crying and supportive bigbang/fans cheering them on haha (2)

    You had been dreading this day.

    You knew it was coming; it happened to every male in Korea once they reached a certain age, and you knew Jiyong had been lucky with how long he had been able to hold it off for. But he couldn’t hold it off forever, and you knew you would have to accept that. 

    You hadn’t realised how difficult sitting backstage at his last concert would be. Your chest hurt, and you could barely stand to cheer him on, instead choosing to take perch on a large speaker that still gave you a good enough view of Big Bang performing to the thousands of people who had shown up tonight. Most of them held up signs cheering on Jiyong, telling him how much they were going to miss him, how much he meant to them. It was enough to make your tears start flowing, though you made a job of wiping them away.

    The songs played throughout the night, nostalgia coursing through you that you didn’t quite understand. You had been to almost every single one of his shows during this tour, hearing the same set list over and over again. There was no reason for the pull in your chest, no reason for the tears streaking down your face that didn’t seem to want to stop as you look at Jiyong bouncing around on stage; where he belonged.

    He was enlisting in a week. He was leaving for two years, leaving you behind to do his duty. You supposed it was better to get it over with, but it still didn’t dull the ache in your chest at the idea of getting home everyday to an empty house, knowing that he was no doubt running himself into the ground with exhaustion. You would have to cuddle into bed on your own, warm yourself up, make dinner for one. Maybe it was selfish. Maybe it was plain selfish to want him to stay just a little while longer, just to give you time.

    But no amount of time in the world could prepare you for him leaving. Not now. Not ever.

    You wiped your tears away as the show drew to a close. Bang Bang played over the speakers, and the boys performed it flawlessly. The crowd cheered and screamed as the music faded to a stop, but the lights in the arena stayed on.

    Jiyong wanted to say his farewell.

    You stood up for this. You couldn’t miss it. You walked to the edge of the stage, leaned against the curtain so you could get a better look at his face. His eyes were dim, barely illuminated by the spotlights swarming around him. He held the microphone tightly in his hand, sweat dripping down his neck and soaking the front of his grey shirt. You could see his hand trembling from the slight shake in the microphone, could hear the emotion racking his voice as he spoke.

    He said goodbye to the fans first of all, an emotional declaration of his love and appreciation for them, how grateful he was that they had not given up on him nor Big Bang in the years since their debut.

    And then it was the boys, and this was when the first few tears were shed by your boyfriend, and the other members as well. They all stood around him, listening intently to every word he spoke as if he was doing a reading from a holy book. He told his members how grateful he was, how much he loved them all, how much he missed them and how they had affected his life. 

    And then your name left his lips, and it was then that your knees nearly gave out.

     “My love, Y/N L/N,” choked out Jiyong. He turned to the audience as he spoke, though he knew you were watching him. “I don’t talk about her very often in front of fans because - because it’s hard to sometimes. I don’t want her getting hate or feeling like she has a reputation to live up to. But I can’t leave her today without saying something to you, Y/N.” He turned now, though his eyes didn’t meet yours. He ducked his head down to look at his shoes, awkwardly kicking at the polished floor of the stage as if he was in deep thought. “I love you so much. From the moment I met you, I knew I did. The way you’re so self less, the way you put others before yourself in almost every situation, the way you’ve stood by me all these years, through everything. Whenever I went through a bad stage of depression, you were there to tell me I was worth it and remind me that I have so many people rooting for me. Whenever we debuted, you were the first one to call me up to congratulate us, even though it was three am where you were - do you remember those days?”

    He let out a breathy laugh into the microphone. You smiled and looked to the floor as well, remembering the exact moments he was talking about.

    “When we were in a long distance relationship, remember? I used to call you up and you’d complain to me because it was five am where you were and it was the middle of the afternoon for us. But neither of us really cared, because we were talking to one another and that was all that mattered.

   “And then you moved to Korea again, and I realised then that I never want to see you leave me again.”

    His voice hitched suddenly. You looked up, not wanting to see him cry but not wanting to shy away from his emotions, either. He had yet to look up from the ground, though the tears glistening his tanned cheeks were so very prominent, the spot light showing no mercy. Daesung had his arm wrapped loosely around your boyfriends shoulders, laughing lightheartedly though tears of his own were staining his cheeks.

    And then Jiyong looked up, and you weren’t entirely sure if the stadium went quiet or if your hearing just become muffled as the world seemed to come to a halt around the two of you. He was looking at you now, eyes pouring into your own with an intensity he had never before given to you; perhaps it was the lights dazzling his dark irises, or perhaps he truly felt some form of intensity in this moment.

    You put your fist against your chest, a sign you two often made to one another as a way of reassuring them when words failed you.

    He did it back to you, before he pulled the microphone to his lips and said, in the softest voice you had ever heard him use, “Y/N L/N, I mean it. I never want to see you leave me again, which is why I’m about to do the craziest thing I’ve ever done.”

    The crowds cheers picked up. The members shared concerned glances amongst each other, Daesung’s arm going stiff against Jiyong’s shoulder.

    Jiyong stepped out of his members embrace. “Y/N, will you do me the honour of becoming my wife?”

    No, the stadium most certainly had not gone quiet. The fans were screaming, cheering, throwing their arms in the air and waving their signs like there was no tomorrow to worry about. 

    But you could still barely hear them. Your hand clenched the collar of your shirt as you stared at Jiyong in shock, feeling an overwhelming swelling in your chest that had you stumbling to the side in seconds.

    Seunghyun and Taeyang were across the stage in seconds, skipping and laughing when they reached you. Their arms wound around your own, dragging you onto the stage, bringing you closer and closer to the man you so desperately wanted to wrap in your embrace, but was currently too shocked to do so.

    Jiyong never took his teary eyes off of you as you stumbled onto the stage, pushed forward by both Seunghyun and Taeyang, who let go of you only whenever it Jiyong’s arms replacing their own. You gripped the sleeves of Jiyong’s jacket, as if checking he was real, he was in front of you, he had just asked you to marry him.

   He smiled down at you wearily, an anxious glint to his eyes. 

    And then he slid to one knee in front of you, and the crowd was screaming and the members were jumping up and down, waving their arms around frantically, but it was just you and Jiyong in this moment. Nobody else. No sea of fans, no screaming boys around you. 

    You looked down at him, bit your lip as he seemed to look around for something to give you before finally deciding to simply pull one of his own rings off of his fingers. He looked up at you and gave you another weak smile which you returned, tears streaking down your face at one thousand miles per hour and you couldn’t stop them even if you tried.

    “I’m sorry this was so sudden,” said Jiyong, no mic to his lips. The moment was purely between you two now. “But I don’t want to leave without making my feelings for you very, very clear. And it’ll be hard - we both know that. We can plan the wedding through - through letters or phone calls, or something like that, and have it when we’re together again. But I just - I want to do this before I go. I want to be able to call you my fiance whenever I’m walking around with the other cadets, Y/N. I want to know that you’ll be there for me whenever I come back, and that I have something to look forward to. I want you to say yes.”

     You inhaled deeply, trying so  hard not to sob. Your chest was caving in, your hands seeming to almost spark at your side with the need to hold him, feel his skin against yours.

    So that’s exactly what you initiated.  You reached down and grabbed his jaw, pulling him up. He grunted as his lips collided with yours, stumbling into you. His chest hit yours and he held his arms out above your head for only a second, holding the ring out at arms length before he was wrapping his arms tightly around your waist and kissing you back just as fiercely, as if he needed you now, as if the world didn’t exist and it was just you two, floating around all by yourselves and you didn’t even care.

    He ran one of his hands through your hair, pushing back the locks before he pulled away and let his lips rest against your jaw. His warm breath tickled your skin as he spoke, a gruff whisper.

    “Is that a yes?”

    You closed your eyes and jumped up, wrapping your legs around his waist. The crowd screamed even louder as Jiyong laughed, twirled you around, holding you up with only one arm around your waist, the other still gripping his place-holder ring.

    “Of course it’s a yes, you idiot.”

#g dragon scenarios #big bang scenarios #request #g dragon #jiyong scenario

[letgolovemyself]

Solo trip

A year ago, you left me because I couldn’t be alone. That is the number one thing I struggled with. I kept friends because I didn’t want to be alone, and most importantly, I begged for your nonexistent love and cried myself to sleep while you slept peacefully, because I couldn’t be alone. But I did it, and I remember Justine’s excitement when I told her I was going on a two-week trip alone. Then I realized, it is a big deal, it is massive deal that I am willing to do the things I loved doing with you, but alone. 

The night before I went, I was very nervous. I had obviously, never traveled alone, and I was scared for all the small mishaps that derail every perfect trip. I was financially ready, which I never have been before, and I packed two bags, and I went alone. (pics to follow) 

I landed in LA, I got my rental car, and I drove to Malibu, alone, because I was supposed to go with this girl Tori, from tiktok, but she is a bum and I don’t need anyone to have a good time. I got food, sat on the beach, watched some TV, and then I drove to Matador Beach in Malibu on the cliffs and I wrote a letter to my ex with the intention of letting it go. I wrote it down, I crumpled it up, and I tossed it in the Pacific Ocean, with every intention of our memories following it. It didn’t. 

The next day, I woke up, went to Venice Beach and took some really bad self timed pictures of myself and then laid on the beach for a little then got an overpriced lunch nearby. I took photos on my disposable to capture these moments. Plz develop them. Later that day, I went back to the Airbnb, made myself a bath, ate some InNOut, and drank some wine. I got ready, and I went to see Gravedgr in LA by myself. I tried to be social and talk to strangers but most of them weren’t about it and I eventually met some cool people and I was in the front for it, we had a great time but I didn’t really like the music. 

The day after, I went to stay at a different Airbnb with other Tiktok girls, the ones from the yacht. They were mostly cool besides Jasmin, who was fucking weird and didn’t talk to any of us. Probably because she’s 19 and has no idea who the fuck she is. I had a great time on the yacht, met some cool girls like Abbie, who’s coming to visit me, and I did have a good time. We went back to the house and I said wake me up when you’re ready to go to the bar, but Jasmin didn’t, and I got so mad because she’s a basic bitch and I ended up leaving to stay at a seady motel cause of my pride, but I stole a handle of Patron to give Jerimy. 

The next day, I drove from Long Beach to Monterey after I picked up my rental Nissan Rogue that I legit waited 45 minutes for. The drive from LB to Malibu was two hours, but everything after was pretty solid. I was very sad that day because I had so much shame over the night before, and I so badly wanted to experience this whole adventure with someone else. For a quarter of my life, I experienced all these amazing trips and adventures with someone by my side. But what I didn’t think at the time was, I planned all those trips, all the hotels, all the stops, all the day trips, I planned that. It wasn’t that romantic afterall. Not that I’d ever let anyone plan my trips, I am such a virgo and plan way too much not to check someone’s plans. 

I stopped in Santa Barbara, got Chipotle, and sat at a small beach with little kids birthday parties around me, ate, and watched TV, got in my car, and continued driving.

That day, I think I learned a lot. Something was very triggering to me about hotel rooms, mostly because I associate them with that time when I was driving to FL, in FL, and driving back. All those empty hotel rooms, for the first time, talking to someone who did not want me, it was very triggering. I wore a two piece swim suit for the first time in my life, at 190 pounds.

I learned that, life is very beautiful on your own. You don’t have time to take in a lot of the most beautiful things because you’re so attached with experiencing it with someone else, but it is nonetheless so amazing. I didn’t even plan on stopping at Ragged Point because I figured I wouldn’t make all the stops in time, but I’m so glad I did. It was freezing, I was in shorts and a sweatshirt. Standing on the side of that mountain felt like the most freeing moment of my life. I was by myself, I did this drive that I found so scary, and I stared at the ocean, thousands of feet below me, and for the first time, it felt like there was so much to experience just by yourself. When you’re with someone and in love, it feels like every moment you experience, especially the great ones, they’re clouded by them and not the experience. But when it’s just you, it’s just the experience. You, who never traveled alone, standing by themselves, side of the coast and the ocean, wind in your face, disposable camera in one hand, looking at how far you had to come to get to this place in life. To be standing there alone, on what feels like the edge of the world, just so grateful to be here and be alive, so grateful that you did make it this far. That was the peak of my trip. Standing there at Ragged Point, looking at this vast space beyond me, just me, it felt like I was flying by myself, like I was not a part of this world. like I had found someway to find peace after a year of the most sadness. 

We can skip forward to CO, because the rest of the CA trip wasn’t the greatest. I’ll touch on it quickly. Being with Jordan in SF was an eye opener as to how much I disrespected myself in the past, let anyone touch me, let anyone do whatever because I was so numb, I think I found a new respect for myself, boundaries, and how not to make myself feel like shit. 

Let’s skip to CO. I was in Denver a night by myself. I almost missed my flight because the traffic and accidents were so bad. I got to the airport at 9:40, and boarding started at 10:05. I got to the gate right before my seat range started boarding. It was a very solumn experience to be in Denver without my ex. We had been there two times before, so I felt like so much of Denver had been explored, and I did not want to reexperience it. I went to the rooftop pool, briefly, and then I ordered food and watched KUWTK until I eventually fell asleep. I had plans of going out, but I really didn’t want to be around Denver and single, when some of my favorite memories were there with ex. That’s why LA and SF were so great, they weren’t things I did with him really. I didn’t go to Santa Monica because I did that with him. I wanted to do things on my own I had not done before. 

Ironically, the next day, I met up with Judy from the Zeds Dead family, one of the girls in our Airbnb. We went to Pete’s Kitchen, which I was 100% all for because the food is amazing, and I didn’t think once or look behind and think, that’s the booth my ex and I sat at. We even went to Good Chemistry, and I didn’t let it get the best of me. We went to Ten Barrrel and those were the best beers we had, but we also went to First Draft, which was kind of strange because I’d done that twice before. Then we eventually took an uber back to the Airbnb in Morrison. 

Zeds Dead at Red Rocks was a dream come true. The literal best venue of all time, I went alone, did not know anyone in our Airbnb and it was definitely one of the best weekends of my life. I know that I am always a vibe, but I got along well with everyone, Panda looks just like Sam, Justin was so kind to book it all for us, it was an amazing time. We stood in line and cut so we could get first dibs on merch on Friday. The dude only charged me for one merch piece and I got my favorite sweatshirt of all time for free, he only charged for the jersey, which is also 1/200 copies. We were front row for two days of Zeds Dead, like my literal favorite artist, I knew almost every song they played, Blunts and Blondes played, I missed Jaenga, but whatever. 

On the first night of Deadrocks, I remember standing there legit smiling ear to ear for an entire 5 hours because I was just so happy to be doing this thing I love, listening to my favorite music, basically by myself, just vibing. In that moment, I knew no one could take away my happy place. Not one person. And I am still scared to possibly run into ex at Ezoo, but I know that I will not stop my life because I am scared. This is the most happy I can be, just alone, eyes closed, listening to that wub wub, feeling the base, no better place. No one can take that from me. 

I learned so much this trip, but mostly I learned a lot about how much I should, and strive, to love myself. I am my own true best friend. And sometimes I get sad because everyone has these best friends and what not. I know that I have maintained some of my long term friendships over years. I also know I have lost a lot of close friends. As I continue to evolve, become a better version of myself, I know I will not always relate to the friends I had in previous versions of my life. But this trip truly brought me the confidence and peace I needed. 

Conclusion: I am not a bad person, I have done bad things that I am not proud of, but I am to the core a very good person. I can stand alone, and I don’t need anyone to tell me I’m good to know that I am. I will not settle for friendships or relationships that do not reflect my energy or self love. I will not settle for people that make me feel bad or ridicule me, or bring up versions of myself that I no longer relate to. I am whole. I am getting there but I am whole. No one can give me something I do not have alone. I am not scared to be vulnerable with myself, I am always honest with myself, maybe too much, but I am. I am always growing, always reflecting, always healing. And I will continue doing so because I no longer want to live in the prison that is my mind. I am ready to continue building a beautiful, abundant, healing life for myself. And I will take anything out that takes away from my peace and my healing.