#but there's a LOTTTTT of arguments and layers when it comes to that

[wigglebox]

No, he never thought he’d be a dad. 

If anything, Dean had been banking on Sam somehow spawning a child so he could be the favorite uncle, seeing the kid every so often if Sam would let him by then and spoiling him or her rotten. 

But he wasn’t “dad” material himself. No way. 

There were things he could follow, books and magazines, TV shows provided some kind of a model, and Dean had seen families over the year he’d file in the “normal” column, but—

He didn’t ever want to see if he would pass or fail that experiement of application. 

Over the years Dean had been told plenty of times he was “great with kids”. He knew how to calm them down after one of those scary monsters got in their face; he knew how to talk to them to get information needed from the hunt; he always knew when to call the local DCF because he only ever took care of one kind of monster, though he’d like it to apply to all others as well. 

But being a dad was never in the cards. 

Not in their line of business. 

What the job had done to John over the years was never something Dean could bear to see happen to himself in the company of a child. Any child. A child that sees him every day, depends on him, wants the world from him—and Dean wouldn’t be able to deliver. 

Because the job adding another layer of bullshit onto John was one thing, but Dean knew, he knew, that deep down, his dad was always probably going to turn out like this. He’d seen it in other families that tell their story to Dean, or to outcast children they meet in backwoods areas, saying how they weren’t pushed out by their fathers but left willingly in order to avoid more suffering. 

Just like Sam eventually did.

In his mind, Dean figured someone like that doesn’t just happen—they’re born with that spark. 

And if John had that spark, Dean had no proof to himself that it wasn’t in him as well. 

So no... 

Too many factors, too many reasons not to consider fatherhood. It wasn’t why he was put on earth, Dean would tell himself. The option will never be there. 

Never. 

#lol happy fathers day #have an angst ficlet i guess #i wrote this on the fly excuse my typos #spn fic #i was thinking about dean and jack #and their relationship #and how i feel like a lot of people just don't understand #like dean has a lot. of layers to him #including growing up in an abusive hoome #and that his first impressions of jack were formed on cas' death and cas he loves #so yeah i mean it needs a longer post #probably a meta one #this is just a ficlet written to poke at dean's feelings pre-jack and pre show maybe even #trying to convince himself why he doesn't deserve to be a father #and yes i know he parented sam #which is why i included the line of sam leaving to avoid suffering #and dean taking that as a 'i failed' #but there's a LOTTTTT of arguments and layers when it comes to that #anyway #i was also thinking about bobby and in his episode and you are led tounderstand he didn't want children because he didn't want to turn into #his own father #goddddd #this show and its daddy issues