#but then she went and gave away all these books from our childhood

[iknityounot]

(Long post, sorry y'all)

A little more than two years ago now, my grandmother passed away. She and my grandpa had moved down to my home town a few years before so we could take care of them. I brought them groceries once a week, helped them write checks, fixed tvs, and found lost things. I was really close with my grandma.

In addition to her hilarious personality and dry wit, one of my favorite things about her was that she was a painter and a crafter like me! She used to crochet, and I took her to the craft store a couple of times so she could get more yarn and books on crochet. But her arthritis and the shaking in her hands kept getting worse, so she eventually had to stop.

She kept her most recent project, a granny square blanket, safely packed away in a plastic bin. She told all of us she was going to finish it one day.

Her hands never got better, and when she got sick, and we found out it was cancer, she rapidly deteriorated.

After she passed, I went to work helping my mom clean out my grandparents apartment so we could move my grandpa in with her. In our frantic cleaning, I found that bin again:

DOZENS of granny squares, dozens of half used skeins. I asked my mom what she wanted me to do with it, and she said she didn't care. I set it aside and later took it home.

Maybe a month later, that tumblr post about the Loose Ends Project was going around. It felt like a sign--I was never going to learn to crochet in order to finish my grandmother's blanket. But they might be able to help!

So I filled out the interest form. They got back to me SUPER quick. And maybe 2 weeks later, I was paired with volunteer in my state (only 2 hours away!) and the box of yarn, granny squares, and my grandmother's crochet hook were in the mail. That was at the end of January this year.

Over the next couple of months, my "finisher" emailed me regular updates on her progress, and asked me questions on my preferences for how she constructed the final blanket.

At the end of August, the blanket was done!

I had always intended the blanket to be a gift for my mother. So I cleaned it up, put it in the only bag I had big enough to fit it, and drove to my mom's. I gave the blanket to her and she was gobsmacked. I explained to her all about Loose Ends, and how someone volunteered to finish the piece for us. She was speechless. (I was quite pleased with this, because I am not the best at giving gifts, so this was a pretty exciting reaction!)

She said that it was the most thoughtful gift she had ever been given. She said "your grandma would love this". To which I replied, "yeah, I know she really wanted to finish it a couple of years ago". But that was when my mom dropped the bomb of a century on me--she told me that my grandma had started making those granny squares OVER 30 YEARS AGO. She had started the blanket when my grandpa was staying in the hospital, but that was back when my mom was younger than I am now! My grandma had packed them all away, planning on finishing it, when my grandpa was sent home from the hospital. Then it went from house to house, from condo in Chicago to their apartment in my hometown. All that time and my grandma had wanted to finish it, but couldn't. First because she was busy, then because she forgot how to do it, then because of her arthritis, and then because of the cancer. My mom said she had given up on expecting my grandma to finish it. 

She said I brought a piece of her childhood with her mom out of the past.

And really, all of this is to say, if you have seen or heard about the Loose Ends Project and have an uncompleted project or piece from a loved one who has passed away--these are your people. They were so kind and treated my project with such care. That box probably would have been found by my own grandkids one day if I hadn't heard about Loose Ends.

Five stars, absolutely worth it!

(From what I understand, you can sign up to volunteer too! If you have time to share, it might be worth checking out!)

#loose ends #the loose ends project #joy knits #text #long post #knit #knitting #crochet #crocheting #craft #crafting #diy #crochetblr #yarnblr #yarn #knitblr

[fallinforgyu]

steamroller

pairing: mingi/fem!reader

genre: childhood best friends to lovers, college au, angst, smut - minors do NOT interact

warnings: no dom/sub dynamic, unrequited love, mutual loss of virginity, mingi has a massive cock, fingering, oral sex (f. recieving)

word count: 10k

a/n: i want to be honest with you guys, this is not a comeback. this is just a little fic that i’ve been working on for the past year or so that has brought me a lot of comfort, and i hope that it can do the same for you. i’m not sure if i’ll ever be active on this blog like i used to be, but please know that i will always be a writer and i will always read every single comment, reblog, and note that is sent to me. thank you for being my readers. i love you all so so dearly <3

“Hey, Mingi,” Yunho asked, staring at his distorted reflection in the back of a flimsy dining hall spoon, “Have you ever eaten a girl out before?”

 “W-What the fuck?” Mingi choked on his homemade sandwich. “Why would you ask me that?”

 “Because I want to go down on my girl on our next date…” he dropped the spoon on his tray, frowning as it clanged. “We’ve already fucked but I think it’ll be a nice way to show her I really care, you know? But I’ve never done it before.”

 “Wait-” Mingi dropped his voice to a whisper, leaning forward across the table. “You’ve had sex before?” 

 “You haven’t?” Yunho grinned.

 “Of course I haven’t, asshole! Why didn’t you tell me?”

 Yunho shrugged. “Guess I just didn’t think it was that important. What time’s your next class?” 

 “I’m done with classes for the day,” Mingi crumbled the tin foil that previously held his sandwich into a ball. “Yours is at 2:30, right?” 

 The older boy nodded and the two stood up, making their way to the nearest trash can.

 “Besides,” Yunho placed his tray on top of a growing stack of them while Mingi threw away his brown paper bag. “I thought you would’ve already fucked that girl you’re always with by now. What was her name again?”

 Mingi’s eyes widened as your name slipped past Yunho’s lips. “Sh!” he hissed, looking over his shoulder. “I told you to stop asking about her. She doesn’t like me like that.”

 “But you haven’t even tried!”

 “Yes, I have!”

 “Giving her a warm Tootsie Roll that had been sitting in your pocket all day does not count as trying.”

 “But I gave it to her on Valentine’s Day!” Mingi whined. “That counts for something, right?”

 He reluctantly met Yunho’s eyes, groaning when he saw his friend’s lips pressed into a thin line and his head shaking. 

 “You’ve gotta just tell her, dude. You’re never gonna know if you don’t try.” 

 He knew Yunho was right. If he ever wanted anything to change, he’d have to talk to you. Otherwise, he’d spend his entire life wondering what would’ve happened if he would’ve just had the balls to tell you. 

 He’d do it today, he decided, when he met you at your usual spot to walk back to your dorms together. That way, he could just run home if you said you didn’t feel the same way! Perfect plan. 

Mingi wiped his hands on his pants as he walked to your usual meeting spot, attempting to calm himself down and hype himself up at the same time. 

 He was really going to do it now; he was going to spill his heart out and hope that you somehow ended up in his arms. He’d start with how he’d loved you since you were kids when you took swim lessons with him at the community pool. You jumped right in the water when he was too afraid to duck his head underneath, and he remembered wanting to be brave like you. He loved you in middle school when you noticed him struggling with his math homework and offered to help. He loved you when you introduced him to Yunho, your friend from the student council who would end up becoming his best friend. And he loved you two years later, when he read your summer reading book aloud to you because staring at the pages made you sleepy. 

 He loved you last year when you went to prom together, even when you made a point of announcing to the rest of your group that the two of you were “Just really good friends.”

 Oh, well. He loved you when he gave you that Tootsie Roll three months ago, too.

 And he loved you now, when he approached you slowly and timidly, waving his hand to get you to look up from your phone.

 “Oh, hi,” you grinned, pulling the earbuds out of your ears.

 “Hi,” he smiled. 

 “How was… how was your day?” You asked the same question you always asked when you saw him, but it sounded different this time. It was like an exhale; Like you were breathing the words instead of speaking them. If he didn’t know better, he would’ve thought you were nervous. 

 “Good,” he nodded, gripping the straps of his backpack.

 “Good!” You repeated, clasping your hands together. “So…”

 He braced himself to say it. I’m in love with you. I have been ever since we were kids. I don’t want to be your friend, I want to kiss you.

 But you spoke first, and you said, “I think we should have sex.”

 He thought that he was having a stroke. He thought that you were having a stroke. “W-what did you say?”

 “Hear me out,” you waved your hands and closed your eyes. “We’re the last virgins in our friend group, right? And everyone thinks we’ve already fucked, anyway. So we could just do it together and get it over with so that it’s not as big of a deal when we do it with other people!”

 “I don’t…” His face felt like it was on fire. His stomach burned, and his palms were even sweatier than before. Get it over with?

 You sighed. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have dumped that on you so fast. I’ve just been thinking about it for a few weeks now, and…”

 Your voice turned into a murmur in the back of his mind as he analyzed your words. Been thinking about it for weeks now? Thinking about…

 “But you don’t have to decide now, okay? I just wanted to see if you would be up for it.”

 He slowly blinked and nodded back like an idiot. “O-okay. Yeah, I’ll think about it.”

 You nudged his shoulder with yours as you stood up to walk home with him, down the streets of the campus that had been home to you for the past nine months. “And there’s no pressure, alright? You can say I’m gross and you see me like a sister and I won’t be mad,” you laughed.

 You’re beautiful. I want you to be my girlfriend.

 “I’ll think about it,” he repeated.

 “Cool,” you nodded. “How’d that stats test go?”

You felt sick when you tried to go to sleep that night, nauseated with the thought that you might’ve just ruined everything. 

 You didn’t mean for it to come out so fast. You didn’t mean to make him embarrassed. You only meant to present the idea to him; a sort of business proposal that would benefit the both of you before you went back home for the summer.

 None of your friends were virgins anymore. Only you and Mingi were left, and you’d known each other the longest, anyway. 

 You turned in bed to stare at the pictures of the two of you taped to the collage on your wall. He stood next to you in a cheap rental tuxedo at prom, his mouth pulled into a gummy smile and his arm linked with yours. In another picture, he stood three inches away from you at your middle school graduation, a reminder of the awkward phase the two of you went through when you realized that he was a boy and you were a girl. 

 But there were pictures from before that time, too, like the one of the two of you covered in nasty, artificially-colored green frosting from the cake at Mingi’s Incredible Hulk-themed birthday party in 2005. Or the two of you dressed up as Cosmo and Wanda from Fairly Odd Parents for Halloween in fourth grade. 

 Your oldest friend. The person who’d seen you through every phase of your life – even your emo phase in seventh grade – and stuck by you nonetheless. 

 You thought of his full lips and his broad shoulders, his big hands. He was handsome, there was absolutely no arguing that, but he was also kind and gentle and sweet. He was always the first to notice when something was wrong and the last to believe you when you told him you were fine. 

 Being his lover would be amazing, but not if it meant you couldn’t be his friend anymore. You wouldn’t fall unless he asked you to because losing him wasn’t an option.

 You’d tell him tomorrow to forget it. That it was stupid, and you changed your mind. 

Mingi told Yunho about it at lunch the next day. 

 “She talked to me yesterday,” he mumbled, picking the peel off of a clementine.

 “And? What’d she say?” Yunho leaned forward, anticipating Mingi’s answer.

 “She wants to fuck me.”

 Yunho let out a laugh of disbelief. “Don’t play with me right now.”

 “She does! She said, and I quote, ‘I think we should have sex.’”

 “Well,” Yunho chuffed, “There you go, buddy! I told you all you had to do was talk to her!”

 Mingi knew he didn’t really talk to you. He knew he just listened (well, half-listened, half daydreamed about what losing his virginity to you would be like) while you gabbed on about how it was a win-win situation.

 But Yunho seemed so happy… No, proud of him. His validation made Mingi feel good – like this was the right decision.

 “So, when are you going to do it?” Yunho squeezed a gluttonous amount of ketchup on his dry chicken patty.

 Mingi stared at his Ziploc bag of slightly brown apple slices. “Well… I haven’t really told her I’d do it yet.” 

 “What? Why not?”

 “I just didn’t know if it was right…”

 “The girl that you’ve been in love with since you were a kid wants to give you her virginity and take yours at the same time, and you don’t know if it’s right?”

 Mingi smiled. “Yeah… I know.”

 “Tell her today. I bet you’ll do it before you go home for the summer if you tell her today.”

 “Okay, yeah.” Mingi nodded, feeling more sure of himself. “I’ll tell her today.”

You had headphones in when you waited for Mingi after school, but you weren’t listening to any music. There was already too much buzzing around in your head, and music would only overwhelm you even more.

 You chewed on your nailbeds and rehearsed your script in your head. Hey, I was way off base yesterday. That was weird and I shouldn’t have put you on the spot like that. Let’s just pretend it never happened and enjoy the summer, okay?

 You saw his sneakers first. They were clean, exactly how they looked when he bought them four months ago. 

 He was smiling when you looked up.

 “Let’s do it.”

 “Wait… really?” You tilted your head to the side, trying not to stare at his lips.

 “Yeah. You were right, it just makes sense for us to do it together.” His cheeks were pink.

 You slowly nodded, trying to convince yourself that it was a good idea again. “Right. Yeah… yeah, it makes sense.” You clapped your hands together. “Well! It’s settled then! Is Yunho leaving town anytime soon?”

 “I don’t… I don’t think so?” 

 You stood up to begin your walk home, and Mingi followed suit.

 “Well,” you sighed. “My roommates are probably home, but we should be fine if we’re quiet.”

 Mingi stumbled a bit as he walked. “Wait, we’re doing this right now? Like, literally right now?”

 “No!” you turned your head towards him as you spoke, but you didn’t look him in the eye. “But don’t you think we should do other stuff first? And like… work up to the big thing?”

 “Other stuff?”

 “Just to warm us up. You know, so it won’t be as scary when we…” You pictured Mingi naked and on top of you, his eyebrows furrowed and his pretty lips parted in a moan. You cleared your throat. “You know.”

 “O-okay,” he nodded. “Okay, yeah.”

 Mingi sat on your bed with his hands tucked underneath his thighs to hide how badly they were shaking. He looked around the room, jealous of your full-size bed. He and Yunho were in a shared room dorm, and his feet always hung off the end of his twin mattress. 

 Meanwhile, you scrolled through your phone to find a good playlist. You hit shuffle on the first one that suited your taste and a familiar song tumbled out of your cheap Bluetooth speaker.

 “You’ve kissed someone before, right?” You put your phone on your desk and walked to your bed.

 “Yes,” he nodded. 

 You narrowed your eyes at him. “Who?”

 He squirmed, adjusting his hands under his thighs. “My lab partner in ninth grade. She felt me up under the bleachers.” I was thinking about you the whole time, his internal monologue chimed in, the words never making it past his lips.

 “Gross,” you laughed, sitting on your bed. “Just let me lead, okay? Try to mirror what I do.”

 You reached up to hold his jaw, and his entire body stiffened.

 “Hey.” You waved your hand in front of his face. “Don’t be nervous, Ming. It’s just me. We don’t have to do this if you don’t want t–”

 “I want to!” He interrupted. “Please. I really want to. I’m just nervous.”

 You rested both your hands on his shoulders. “It’s just me,” you repeated. “The same me that I’ve always been.”

 Yeah, he thought, that’s the problem.

 “Just follow my lead.” You gave him an encouraging smile, which he weakly returned. “It’ll be fun, okay?”

 Mingi nodded, closed his eyes, and held his breath. A few seconds later, he felt your lips against his, and they were even softer than he imagined. He was sure that his were chapped, and he regretted not wearing lip balm more often like his mom always told him to.

 “See? That wasn’t so bad, was it?”

 He opened his eyes at the sound of your voice and gave you a tiny shake of his head.

 “Do you want another one?” You smiled. 

 “Yes, please,” he whispered.

 You kissed him again, a little bit longer this time. Your lips naturally slotted with his, and butterflies filled his tummy when you rested your hand on his thigh.

 And then your lips parted. He wasn’t sure what to do other than follow your lead like you’d told him to, so he let his lips part, as well.

 His breath caught in his throat when your hand slid down to his neck. He barely had time to recover before you slipped your tongue in his mouth, playful and teasing and light. 

 “O-oh,” he breathed, a shiver running through his body.

 “How was that?” 

 “Good. I liked… I liked the part when you used your tongue.”

 “Shut up,” you laughed. “You wanna… keep going?”

 “Yes,” he nodded.

 And that was how Mingi had his first makeout session with his childhood best friend. He tried to keep his whimpers to a minimum, but it was hard to when your kisses progressively got more heated. Your tongue in his mouth was unlike anything he’d ever felt before, and he blushed at your giggle when he tried to mirror your movements.

 “Such a fast learner, Ming.”

 “T-thanks…”

 “You know you can touch me, right? You don’t have to sit on your hands.”

 He looked down, completely unaware that his hands were still tucked underneath his thighs. They were both numb now, and they tingled when he pulled them up. He flexed and relaxed them to get his blood flowing again.

 “I’ve never…” he whispered, “I’m sorry. I don’t- I don’t know where to touch.”

 You gave him a smile laced with what might have been pity and took his big hand in yours, moving it to rest on your hip.

 “What about the other one?” He whispered, even quieter than before.

 And then you were lifting his other hand and placing it on your cheek. His breath caught in his throat again.

 It’s strange to truly look at someone whose face has always been a constant in your life. You looked different, but also the same. People change, but they don’t. 

 Mingi was sure of one thing: your face was the most beautiful he’d ever seen. He liked it ten years ago, and he liked it now.

 He kissed you first the next time. And since he’d gotten a little more confident, he let his lips part and used his tongue first, too. He kept his hands where you’d placed them and you kept yours around his neck. You kissed and kissed and kissed, and for now, that was enough.

It didn’t stay enough for long. You and Mingi practically ran to your dorm after school every day, barely taking time to breathe before attaching your mouths together once your door was shut. Your obsession with Mingi’s lips had only grown since you started spending most of your free time kissing them.

 His hands were nice, too. They’d gotten a little bit more curious since that day, sometimes giving your hip a gentle squeeze or moving up to your waist while he kissed you. Any noise you’d make would immediately be met with a “sorry” – a constant reminder that no matter how attractive the boy you were making out with was, he was still just the same old Mingi.

 And the little reactions he’d make were precious. He’d gasp when you touched his thighs, he’d hum when you stroked his neck, he’d whimper when you took his plump bottom lip between your teeth. The more you worked him up, the luckier you felt to have been the only person to have ever seen him like this. 

 You wondered how that could be while you sucked his lips. Plenty of girls had crushed on Mingi over the years. You knew because they’d always ask you if you were his girlfriend before they tried to confess to him. No matter how many times you told them you weren’t, he never ended up dating any of them.

 You detached from his lips with a smack. “Mingi?”

 “Mm?” He blinked, eyes slightly glazed over and lips swollen from kisses.

 “Why haven’t you had a girlfriend before?”

 His eyes widened for a split second, and he tried to cover it up by blinking a few times. “Uh… just never met the right person, I guess.”

 “But girls have been throwing themselves at you for years… You didn’t ever want to try anything with them?”

 “Guess I just wanted to wait for someone that I really…” he swallowed. “Trust.”

 That made sense. The thought of doing all of these things with a stranger was horrifying, but you felt safe with Mingi. You smiled, kissing the corner of his mouth.

  “I trust you too, Ming. Wanna try something new?”

 “O-okay, yeah.”

 You tapped his shoulder twice. “Lay down.”

 Like a puppy who’d just been given a command, he lowered himself against your pillows, swinging his legs up so he was laying on the bed. You swung a leg over his hips to straddle them, and his eyes immediately widened. 

 You’d never really taken time to admire how pretty Mingi was. His chest, which was more toned than you’d realized, was swelling and deflating as he attempted to stabilize his breathing. His Adam’s apple dipped as he swallowed, and you’d be stupid to not notice the way his thick thighs tensed and relaxed underneath his black jeans. 

 And then you leaned down, hovering over him to study his face. You ran your thumb over his sharp jaw as you took in his other features; The same darkness in his eyes that wasn’t mysterious, but warm and inviting. The straight line of his nose, the pointed tip of it. The birthmark under his eye, the one on his cheek, the acne scars that dotted his cheeks like stars. Those fucking lips.

 Mingi was really fucking cute. Had he always been?

 You kissed him again, smiling when a little whimper escaped his lips. 

 “Cute,” you mumbled, unaware that the word had left your mouth until it was too late.

 Or maybe it was a good thing that you said it. Mingi’s response was enough to make you think that, at least. He moaned again, louder this time, as he pushed his hips forward against yours. 

 Mingi always got hard during your makeout sessions, but you always pretended not to notice to spare him from any embarrassment. However, pretending not to notice was incredibly difficult with his bulge grinding against your heat.

 He moaned at the stimulation, but quickly interrupted himself. “Ooh-sorry! I’m so sorry, that wasn’t on purpo–”

 You clapped a hand over his mouth. “I told you we have to be quiet.”

 He nodded, eyes wide as your hand stayed pressed to his mouth. You slid it down to rest on his chest when you whispered in his ear. “Don’t be sorry. That’s what I wanted to try.”

 You pushed and pulled your hips against his erection again in one experimental thrust, grinning when his eyes screwed shut and his lips pressed together. You cupped his face to guide his lips to yours again.

 It was as uncoordinated as two virgins could be. Though your lips easily moved together from a week of practice, neither of your hips were skilled enough to set any sort of rhythm. You just desperately grabbed at each other, groping and humping and kissing like your lives depended on it. 

 Soon, you could feel your soaking panties uncomfortably sticking to your core. The fabric gave you the tiniest bit of stimulation, dragging against your clit and ever-so-slightly teasing you. And the boy underneath you was driving you insane, with his messy kisses and his tiny groans. 

 You didn’t know what the end goal was, but you knew that it felt better when you grinded your hips faster, so that’s what you did. 

 “Ah-” You silenced Mingi’s moan by pressing your mouth to his again, sighing as he hummed against your lips.

 And then he whimpered your name. He’d said your name a thousand times before, but he’d never said it like this. Like it was a cry for help, a desperate plea for something. The sound fueled the fire of your desperation as you continued moving your hips, hoping to God that he’d say it again.

 And he did. You attached your lips to his neck and he whined your name once more, followed by a tiny breath of, “O-oh, god…”

 His little sounds were getting better and better. Your name slipped past his lips between breathy whimpers and choked hums, and you kept licking and sucking his neck while you grinded your clothed, soaking pussy against his painfully hard, just as clothed dick.

 Finally, you took pity on the poor thing. His moans were getting increasingly desperate, and you could tell that he was doing everything in his power to keep them quiet. You hovered your lips directly over his ear.

 “What’s wrong, baby?”

 “A-ah-mph!” He squeezed his eyes shut as he writhed on the bed, pressing his hand to his mouth to keep his pathetic noises in. His whole body was shaking when you sat up.

 A wet patch on the crotch of his jeans made the dark fabric even darker, and a horrified expression washed over his face as your eyes immediately landed on it. If he would’ve looked between your legs, he would’ve noticed that your shorts were just as soaked, but he didn’t. He only saw your dumbfounded expression as you tried to figure out what you were supposed to say. All that came out was, “D-did you just…?”

 You just made a boy cum. From kissing. This had to have been the best day of your life. 

 “I’m sorry,” he breathed, pushing you off of him. He immediately stood up, locating his jacket on your desk and holding it in front of his pants as he slid his bag over his shoulder. “I’m… I’m sorry.” He looked down the whole time, never letting his eyes meet yours as he slipped his way out of your bedroom door. 

 “Mingi!” you called two seconds too late. “You’re not going to–” 

 You sighed, letting your voice get quiet. “Help me?”

 He didn’t come back, leaving you with soaking panties and an unsatiated pulsing between your legs that wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon. 

You texted him the next morning.

 It’s not a big deal, Ming. Do you want to come over?

 He didn’t respond. You went the whole weekend without hearing from him, and even when you waited for him at your usual spot on Monday, he didn’t show. You sent him another text. 

 Stop being stupid. I miss you.

 He didn’t respond to that, either. By Tuesday, you were so anxious to see him that you waited outside his lecture hall after his morning class, scanning the crowd of faces for him. He wasn’t difficult to find; his tall frame easily distinguished him from the rest of the crowd, even with his shoulders slouched. He made eye contact with you and immediately put his head down, walking faster. 

 “Mingi!” You yelled, weaving through the crowd to follow him. 

 His pace quickened, his long legs carrying him out of the brick building and through the grassy common area, skillfully dodging flying frisbees and strategically-hung Enos. 

 “Mingi! This…” you panted. “This isn’t fair! Your legs are longer than mine!”

 He flinched with each call of his name, but he didn’t turn around. He didn’t slow down. You picked up your pace to a jog, huffing as you tried to catch up to him. “MINGI! Stop fucking ignoring me!”

 After quickening your steps to a borderline sprint, you finally got close enough to grab the handle of his backpack, yanking him backwards and causing both of you to collapse on the lawn in the process. 

 “Ow…” he whined, rubbing his butt and attempting to brush grass off of it.

 “You…” you breathed. “You fucking suck. Why aren’t you talking to me?”

 “W-What do you want me to say? What the hell am I supposed to say after humiliating myself like that?”

 “I told you it wasn’t a big deal, stupid! I wanted to make you feel good!”

 His ears burned as he looked at you with wide eyes, a mixture of embarrassment and shock painting his face. 

 “And you… you didn’t even stay and help me. I was more turned on than I’ve ever been in my life, and you just got up and left! Right after I helped you finish! Who the fuck does that?”

 “I…” he breathed, trying not to pass out. He made you more turned on than you’d ever been in your life? “I didn’t think you wanted me to…”

 “You didn’t think I wanted to feel good, too?”

 “No!” he stammered, “No, I just… I didn’t think, I mean, I thought you would think I was gross.”

 You sighed, rubbing your temples. “Mingi, the entire point of having sex is to feel good. I didn’t think you were gross, I was jealous of you.”

 And see, that was where he fundamentally disagreed with you. As far as Mingi was concerned, the entire point of having sex was to be intimate with someone you love. Feeling good was just a bonus. 

 He loved you so fucking much. Knowing that you didn’t feel the same way about him made his chest physically ache, but he knew that you needed him, and that was more than he could have hoped for. If you didn’t love him, at least you could love the way he made you feel. 

 “I’ll make it up to you next time,” he assured you. “I promise I’m gonna make you feel good.”

 Your smile reappeared, and he felt like he’d been hit by a train.

 “Yeah,” you laughed, punching his shoulder. “You better. Wanna try that new boba place?”

The boba was mid, but it was nice to just be in Mingi’s presence again. He crumpled his straw wrapper as he told you about his weekend, how his mom’s birthday was coming up, and how things were getting more serious between Yunho and his girlfriend. 

 You liked the sound of his voice. You remembered when it used to crack all the time in middle school, but it had since balanced out into a smooth baritone, cascading your ears in warmth. 

 “Are you listening to me?”

 “What? Yes.” 

 “No, you’re not,” he scoffed. ”You’ve been staring at my lips for the past five minutes.” 

 “Yeah, because you have foam on them.”

 He immediately wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, his ears flushing a bright red as he mumbled a disingenuous “fuck you.”

 The foam was only a scapegoat. You both knew how much you loved his lips. 

 “Speaking of fuck you…” You shifted in your metal chair. “When… when are we going to… you know…”

 “What?”

 “You know…” You looked to the side, your eyes widening. 

 His heartrate doubled. “Oh. Um… I don’t know. Was there… did you have a specific time in mind?”

 “Sorry, didn’t realize I needed to make an appointment,” you laughed. “I don’t know. I just… I want to. Soon.”

 He remembered your words. Get it over with. 

 “Okay,” he nodded. “We can. Soon.”

 You picked up his hand that was resting on the table to play with his fingers, pinching them between your smaller ones while you chewed on a ball of sweet tapioca. 

 He swallowed and watched you, his eyes glazing over. I love you, I love you, I love you.

 Your stomach dropped a bit when you met his starry eyes. You didn’t know why.

Two days later and you had Mingi underneath you again, his hands gripping your waist while you sucked on those perfect lips. 

 “Gonna make you feel good this time…” he whispered, trying to catch his breath between your feverish kisses. “Promise.”

 You just rested your hand on the back of his neck and sighed.

 “Can I… Is it okay if I take your shirt off?” He asked, his face a deep shade of red. 

 “Yeah,” you breathed. “It’s okay.”

 But he didn’t move, so you tugged on the hem of your shirt and lifted it off yourself. His breath caught in his throat when he saw your half-naked torso, covered by nothing but a slightly too tight purple bra that you got on clearance a few years ago.

 He shakily brushed a fingertip over the little bow in the center of it.

 Your face felt so hot you were sure water would boil if someone rested a pot on your cheek.

 “Can you… take your shirt off, too? This feels weird.” You covered your torso with your arms.

 “O-oh, yeah,” he nodded. “I’m sorry. Yeah.”

 You scooted back so that he could sit up, his trembling hands lifting his shirt over his head.

 His chest was flushed red. That was the first thing you noticed. And his belly was lean, but also soft and smooth, puffing and deflating with his shallow breath. 

 You rested a hand on his chest to feel his heartbeat. He just watched you.

 “We’re not kids anymore…” you whispered. There was a sad tone to your words, almost as if you were grieving.

 “No,” Mingi shook his head, his voice barely audible. “We’re not.”

 It was a beautifully horrifying realization. The kid you used to make mud soup with was a man now, and he was touching you like you’d never been touched before.

 You kissed him then. To comfort him, to comfort yourself, to be closer to the person who already knew you better than anyone in the universe.

 You unclasped your bra and just let it loosely rest on top of your chest.

 “Hey,” Mingi whispered, “Just me, remember?”

 Right. Just Mingi. 

 You tossed your bra to the side, instinctively covering your boobs with your hands.

 “Please…” Mingi placed his hands over yours. “I want to see you.”

 He sighed when you removed your hands, just as slowly.

 “Pretty…” he mumbled. “Is it okay if I touch you?”

 You nodded and he ran his hands over the lines on your sides where your bra had been digging into your skin. You cursed yourself for not buying a new one before this. Maybe he’d like one of those silk push-up bras you always saw your friends wearing, or perhaps one of those flimsy lace bralettes that you saw in the windows at Victoria’s Secret last week.

 “You’re beautiful,” he whispered, and the insecurity in your stomach almost vanished completely. Almost. 

 He leaned forward, cupping one of your tits in his huge hand and gently kissing the other. You gasped when you felt his wet tongue drag across your nipple, and he looked up at you for reassurance while you laced your fingers through his hair. 

 “Does that feel good?”

 “Yes,” you breathed. “Y-yeah, that feels good….”

 He gently latched his mouth to your nipple, sucking and then running his soft tongue over the flesh to soothe it. You didn’t mean to, but you arched your back, and his free hand found a place in the dip of your waist.

 You subconsciously tugged on his hair as he sucked your other nipple. He worshipped your tits, kissing, sucking, and licking them while you quietly moaned, grinding against his erection. You wanted to let him continue all night, but soon,  the pulsing between your thighs started to become unbearable. 

 “Ming… need you to fuck me,” you whispered. “Please.”

 He pulled back a bit, his plump lips glossy and his adam’s apple dipping as he swallowed.

 “Okay.”

 He didn’t move and you didn’t, either. You just looked at each other, breathing heavy though you’d hardly done anything yet.

 “... Nobody’s ever seen me naked before,” he said under his breath.

 You shook your head. “Me neither.”

 He kissed you again, but it was really just so that you wouldn’t watch him while he took his pants off. And you weren’t sure what you were doing, you weren’t sure why, but once both of your pants were off, you reached a hand down and felt him through the thin fabric of his boxers.

 He took in a sharp inhale. 

 “I’m sorry,” you said, “Is this okay?”

 And then you felt a large hand between your thighs, softly rubbing you through your panties.

 It felt so much different from when you did it to yourself. More pleasurable, sure, but also more vulnerable. More intense.

 Neither of you knew what to say. You felt how hard he was against your hand. He felt the little wet patch soaking through your panties. You both needed this desperately, and yet for a few moments, nobody moved. 

 “Y-you can take them off of me.” Your voice was barely above a whisper and it cracked in the middle, but you were proud of yourself for getting the words out. 

 His hands shook when he slid them down your thighs. Before he could stare for too long, you slid your fingers under the waistband of his boxers and pushed them down. 

 You weren’t sure if he was big or not. You’d never seen a penis in real life before, only in porn, and he looked about the same size as what you’d seen in porn. Did that mean he was big?

 He looked down, and you realized you were staring. “Sorry,” you stammered, forcing yourself to look him in the eye again. 

 “N-no, it’s okay. Is it… I mean, do you like it?”

 Your face broke into a smile. Mingi, Mingi, Mingi. “Yes, it’s  lovely, Ming. Stop stressing.”

 You reached for a condom on your nightstand, closely inspecting the foil packet for instructions. 

 “I think I can do it,” he mumbled, gently taking the condom out of your hand.

 “You know how to?”

 “I think so.”

 After a few minutes of him fumbling with the latex, his lips were on yours again and you could feel his dick resting on your thigh. 

 “Are you ready?” He pulled back for a moment to look you in the eye.

 “M-mhm,” you nodded.

 He kissed your cheek and held his dick in his hand, aligning himself. A painful stretching sensation flooded your lower half as his thick tip poked at your entrance. 

 He inhaled shakily. “C-can I… can I push it in now?”

 You nodded. “I… think so? Y-yeah… go ahead…”

 He pushed his hips forward, and the sensation intensified when you felt his tip enter you with a pop. The pain was excruciating, unlike anything you’d ever felt before. A horrid stretch, almost like a burn, splitting you open in the worst way. Tears pricked into your eyes.

 “OW! Ow, ow, ow, stop, stop, stop!” You pushed his broad shoulders away, whimpering when he frantically pulled out. That hurt, too.

 “O-oh my god, are you okay? What did I- D-did I do something wrong?”

 You looked down at his dick, which was still fully hard. He was big, you supposed. Really big. With his cock resting on your stomach, it went all the way up to your belly button. You felt stupid for thinking you could take him without any prep.

 And you also felt embarrassed. This wasn’t how your first time was supposed to go. This didn’t happen in porn. You were supposed to be screaming his name, he was supposed to be groaning yours and pounding you into the mattress. You were supposed to be making him feel good, and he was supposed to be doing the same for you. A lump formed in your throat and you attempted to blink the tears out of your eyes, which probably just made them more teary. 

 “No,” you breathed. “I think… I don’t think I’m wet enough.”

 He frowned. “Did we not kiss for long enough?”

 “No, no, we did.” Guilt crept into your chest. You knew this wasn’t how he pictured his first time going, either. 

 His frown intensified as a pained look washed over his face. “Are you not… is it because you’re not attracted to me?”

 “Stop it, Mingi. It’s not for any reason. You didn’t do anything wrong. Let’s just… we can get lube from the store and try again tomorrow, okay? I can jerk you off to help you finish if you want.”

 His heart ached. He didn’t want you to ‘help him finish.’ He wanted to make love to you, soft and tender and slow. He wanted to hold your face and kiss your forehead and tell you how much you meant to him.

 But his dick was painfully hard, and there aren’t many times that the love of your life offers to help you finish even though they don’t feel the same way about you, so he said, “Yes, please.”

 You wrapped your fingers around his erection, biting your cheek to stop yourself from crying. He bit his lip to do the same.

Mingi couldn’t make eye contact with the cashier when he bought lube from the drug store the next day. His hands shook as he put his card into the reader, and they kept shaking while he entered his pin number. The machine dinged and he yanked his card out, snatching the plastic bag from the cashier before they had time to offer him a receipt. His face burned the entire walk to your dorm and didn’t stop burning once he got there.

 His breath caught in his throat when you opened the door. “I got the…” he held the plastic bag up. “I got the stuff.”

 You laughed and stepped back to let him inside. “You make it sound like we’re about to do drugs.”

 Yeah, something like that.

 Mingi didn’t say anything when you sat him on your bed and straddled his hips. He whimpered a little bit when you pressed your lips to his, and you assumed that it was just because he was horny. 

 You held the side of his neck and worked your tongue against his, rolling your hips forward to grind against his growing bulge. He whimpered again, and you moved your face down to suck on his neck. 

 “I think you need to finger me first,” you whispered in his ear.

 “W-what?” He blinked up at you for a moment, his eyes wide and starry before he shyly looked away. “I’ve never… I mean… I don’t know how to do that.”

 “It can’t be that hard, right? You just take your fingers and, like… put them in me.”

 “I think it’s a little more complicated than that.”

 “Well… I’ll just tell you what feels good, okay? I do it to myself all the time.”

 His eyes snapped up again as he imagined you touching yourself. He’d thought about it before, late at night when he was jerking off, but hearing you say it out loud made him feel dizzy. Flames erupted across his cheeks again, and his body tensed.

 Your face burned with the realization of your confession. “Stop picturing it.”

 “S-sorry.”

 “I just need your fingers first, okay? I can’t… I can’t take your dick without some prep first.”

 It was like you wanted him to cum in his pants again. He nodded and reached for the plastic bag, fishing out the lube and taking it out of its little purple box. 

 “I’m sorry about yesterday, by the way.” His voice was quiet.

 “There’s nothing to be sorry about. That’s why we’re doing this together, you know? Because we feel safe around each other.”

 He nodded.

 “But for the record…” You lowered your head, still embarrassed about how yesterday went. “I’m sorry, too.”

 “There’s nothing to be sorry about.” He smiled.

 You kissed him, and you were so glad that you were kissing him. 

 “I’m really going to need you to walk me through this because I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing.” His cheeks were a splotchy red. 

 You laughed. “I promise it sounds scarier than it actually is.” You pulled your shirt over your head, embarrassed again when you realized you were wearing the same purple bra that you wore yesterday.

 “Shit,” you breathed. “I meant to wear something nicer for you today. Sorry.”

 For me? Mingi thought. For me? 

 But he said, “I like this one. It’s cute.” And he touched the little bow again.

 “Thanks.” You climbed off of his lap to take your shorts off. “Lift your arms.”

 He obeyed, and you lifted his shirt over his head. It didn’t need to be off yet, you supposed, but you’d been dreaming about Mingi’s lean abdomen all day and you didn’t want to wait another second to have it under your fingertips again. 

 You laid down on the bed and slid your panties off, but didn’t spread your legs yet. You felt vulnerable again, especially considering that Mingi still had his pants on. 

 “C-can you–” you started.

 “Yeah,” Mingi nodded, already unbuttoning his pants. When they were off, he sat back down and gently brushed his fingertips over your thigh. 

 “Okay,” he breathed. “Tell me what to do.”

 “Just… just kiss me for a second.” The truth was, you weren’t even really sure how to give him instructions, and you wanted to buy yourself some time. You usually just felt around until something felt good, and you weren’t sure how to explain that to him.

 He kissed you. You decided that even if he was always too big for you, even if you couldn’t ever take his full length, you’d probably be just as happy kissing him and jerking him off like you did last night.

 You felt his hand on your inner thigh and you liked the feeling. 

 “Okay, so…” you inhaled deeply. “Just start with one. And you can just kinda… feel around? I’ll tell you what feels good.”

 “Okay,” he nodded, taking a deep breath, too. “Okay.”

 He dripped some of the lube onto his fingers, rubbing it with his thumb in an attempt to warm it up. Your body tensed as you felt his finger slide between your folds, shaking slightly as he rubbed you up and down.

 He seemed to stop breathing for a moment. His eyes just raked over your body, all wide and starry while he clumsily touched you. 

 “You’re gorgeous,” he breathed. “You’re so fucking beautiful.”

 “M-Mingi, Ah-” You let out a tiny yelp when his fingertip brushed your clit.

 “Did I hurt you?” He immediately stopped, taking his fingers away. 

 “N-no, that felt good… really good…” You nodded. 

 He tried to find the spot again, clumsily drawing circles around it.

 “S-so good. Yeah, r-right there,” you sighed.

 His fingertip slipped a little too far to the left. 

 “N-no, back where it was.”

 After a few seconds of “Here?” and “No, here,” back and forth, he found the spot again and gently traced it. 

 Your eyes rolled back and closed as your body twitched, trying to get used to the sensation of being touched by another person. 

 Then his fingers slid further down, but it was intentional this time. 

 Mingi looked you in the eye and didn’t say anything as he gently circled his fingertip around your opening, coating it in lube and spreading your arousal at the same time. 

 You didn’t say anything, either. You couldn’t if you tried. But he understood your tiny nod and the look of desperation in your eyes, so he gently pushed his finger inside. 

 His long, thick finger went deeper than your own ever had, but it didn’t hurt. “O-ohh,” you breathed, shivering.

 Mingi was at a loss for words. Your pussy was hugging his finger so tight and you felt so warm and the tiny noises that you were making were about to send him over the edge. “Fuck…” he sharply inhaled through his teeth, staring up at the ceiling for a minute so that he didn’t cum untouched.

 “M-Mingi,” you breathed, “Go like this.” And then you held a finger up and curved it inward, and he immediately obeyed.

 Your back arched to a borderline uncomfortable degree as you let out a pathetic little noise, and Mingi seriously was on the edge of an orgasm already.

 “I-is that a sensitive spot?”

 “Do it again,” you commanded. “Mingi, do that again.”

 He did, and then he did it a few more times, pumping his finger and setting a rhythm. You were probably being a little too squirmy, but you couldn’t help it. Nothing had ever felt like this before. 

 “Fuck,” you breathed. “Add another one.”

 Mingi meant to ask ‘Are you sure?’ but his head was so fuzzy with arousal that he just obeyed, pushing his middle finger in next to his pointer finger.

 “S-shit,” you gasped, sitting up and holding his wrist. “Hold on a sec– fuck.”

 “Are you okay?”

 “It feels good,” you nodded. “Just forgot how thick these are.”

 He understood. He could almost feel you stretching out, and he suddenly felt horribly guilty for not offering to do this before he attempted to put his dick inside of you yesterday.

 “You’re doing amazing,” he encouraged you, nodding slightly. “J-just let me know when you want more, okay?”

 “C-can you…” You blushed, too shy to complete your sentence. 

 He knit his eyebrows at you, giving you an encouraging nod. He felt your pussy tighten around his fingers, and he tried not to groan.

 “What do you need, baby?” He soothed, “Just tell me what you need and I’ll give it to you.”

 Your face burned. Mingi had never been more attractive to you, with his lips swollen and his cheeks flaming and his fingers deep inside of you. He was gently thrusting his fingers, massaging your g-spot, tracing your opening, and stretching you out all in a fluid motion.

 “C-can you play with my clit again while you do that?” You whispered. 

 He nodded immediately, smiling and circling his thumb around your pebbled clit. 

 “O-ohh…” you moaned, burying your face in his neck. “Oh my god…”

 He swallowed roughly. “G-good…” He encouraged as he felt you slowly relax around his fingers.

 Your back arched, tiny little whimpers escaping you as Mingi made love to you with his hand. 

 And he was barely holding it together. He could feel the tip of his dick sticking to his boxers, precum smearing against the fabric and providing his cockhead with the tiniest bit of friction every time he moved his hips. 

 “Do you want one more? Or are you good with two?” His voice was hoarse. 

 “I d-on’t—“ You inhaled sharply, eyes closing as you felt the tiny spark of an orgasm in your core. “D-don’t think I can take a third…”

 Mingi nodded, and then he kissed your forehead. He wanted to speak, but he was putting all of his effort into keeping up a steady rhythm with his hand and not coming in his pants while your tensed thigh rubbed his dick. 

 And then it was silent for a few moments, except for the quiet squelching coming from between your legs every few seconds. 

 “I think I’m gonna cum.” You whispered, keeping your eyes closed. Focusing on that feeling, chasing it.

 Mingi swallowed, his breath catching. “Mm.” He hummed. He couldn’t think of anything else to say. 

 Your breath caught in your throat, the rest of it escaping in a choked whimper. “F-faster…” You breathed, looking up at him with pleading eyes. “Please.”

 He nodded, quickening his movements. You leaned up, catching his lips in a messy kiss as you got closer and closer.

 You were quieter than you thought you’d be. As your orgasm approached, you hardly made any noise at all, save for a few little gasps. 

 Your mouth dropped open and you pressed your forehead to your lover’s, letting out one single moan as your orgasm clenched down on his fingers. It ran through your body in waves, your muscles tensing and releasing rhythmically.

 “My god…” Mingi groaned, continuing his movements. “G-Good job, baby.”

 You squeaked, gently pushing his hand away as you neared overstimulation. His brows furrowed as he worried that he’d hurt you, but you immediately eased his anxiety by holding the back of his neck and pressing your lips to his again.

 “Felt so good…” You mumbled through kisses. “T-think I’m ready now…”

 His heart fluttered as he felt your hand between his legs, stroking his sensitive thighs. And then he looked at you in a way that a boy had never looked at you before, with big, dark, sparkling, pleading eyes. Like he needed you.

 So gently, like you were afraid he’d break, you slipped his dick out of his blue plaid boxers. He was so hard, so sticky and pulsing that you were sure he must have been in pain. “Thank you for making me feel good,” you whispered. “I know it must have been hard to wait…”

 He shook his head, closing his eyes. “Don’t thank me.” He let out a tiny noise as you stroked him once. “I loved it,” he breathed. “I loved doing that for you.”

 You smiled, kissing him again. “Take these off,” you pleaded, tugging at the waistband of his boxers. 

 Mingi pushed them down, kicking them off the bed at his feet. And then he was fully naked, hovering above you, also fully naked. It should have been scary, but you’d never felt more safe. You reached your arms behind him, stroking his back before sliding your hands down to teasingly squeeze his ass.

 He let out a choked noise and you laughed. “Sorry, I’ve always wanted to do that. You have a really nice ass.”

 He shook his head, laughing and kissing you again.

 “You’re really beautiful, Mingi.” You whispered, feeling another pang in your core as he groaned at the praise. 

 He reached a hand up, squeezing your breast as he kissed you and kissed you and kissed you. His heavy cock rested on your belly, clear precum sticking to your soft skin. 

 You reached for the condom on the nightstand, carefully ripping it open. His eyes didn’t leave your face as you gently rolled it onto him, your small hand wrapping around his girth. You slid his tip between your folds, then coated it in even more lube. You knew it might still hurt a little bit, but you felt much more prepared for it this time. 

 “The second it starts to hurt,” he whispered, his voice raspy. “You tell me.”

 You nodded. The two of you looked into each other’s eyes, and didn’t look away when his tip was aligned with your entrance. 

 But his eyes fluttered shut a bit when he slipped inside. He couldn’t help it.

 Your gasp made him open his eyes again. “Are you okay?”

 “Mmh–” You nodded, your voice high pitched and squeaky. He pushed forward, filling you, stretching you, making you his.

 “Mingi…” You whined, tears blurring your vision. “S-so big…”

 He kissed away the first tear that fell. “I know, I’m sorry,” he whispered, “Y-You’re doing so well.”

 He stilled for a moment, allowing you to adjust to his length. 

 “Is it…” You looked up at him with teary eyes. “Is it all the way in yet?”

 “Not yet.” His eyes were full of empathy and adoration. “Can you take any more? It’s okay if you can’t.”

 You whimpered. “S’big, Mingi.”

 “I know, baby, I know it’s big. Does it feel good? D-Does it hurt?”

 “It feels…” you trailed off. “It feels good but it hurts. I dunno if I can take any more.”

 “That’s okay,” he nodded, kissing your forehead. “You feel s-so good just like this.”

 “R-really?”

 “Yes,” he nodded. “You feel amazing. So… so fucking good.” He gritted his teeth as he spoke, shaking and sweating and forcing himself to not instinctively start fucking you hard and fast. “Can I move a little bit now?”

 “Yes,” you nodded. “Slow, please.”

 He pulled back so that only the very end of his tip was dipped into your opening, then shakily pushed forward in a single stroke, a little over three quarters of the way inside. 

 Tears stung his and your eyes. You felt better than anything he’d ever felt before, and the stretching sensation was starting to feel more pleasant than painful. 

 “I’m so…” he whimpered. “I’m so proud of you. You’re taking me so well.”

 “Mingi…” you whined in response, clawing at his back. “F-feels good.”

 “Yeah?” His eyes met yours. “It feels good?”

 “Mmm. I want… want you to fuck me. B-but slow, okay?”

 He visibly shivered, the hairs on the back of his neck standing up as his whole body became covered in goosebumps. 

 “T-tell me if it’s too much.”

 He attempted to set a pace then, slowly pushing and pulling his hips to halfway-fuck you as gently as he possibly could. Little moans slipped from your lips in time with his thrusts.

 “Ungh…” he whimpered, “God. F-feels so good. You’re so…” his eyebrows furrowed. “Fuck, you’re so tight.”

 “Mingi…” You rested your hand on his cheek. “Kiss.”

 He didn’t need to be told twice. His perfectly full lips gently kissed yours, softly massaging his tongue into your mouth while he slowly pumped his cock in and out of you. You were embarrassed that you couldn’t take his whole length yet, but you decided in that moment that this wouldn’t be the last time you did this with him, and you had all the time in the world to train for the entirety of him. 

 “Fuck…” he repeated, resting his forehead against yours. “I’m… I’m close. I’m sorry.”

 “You are?” Your eyebrows furrowed as you looked up at him, a moan slipping from your lips when his thrusts got a bit faster. 

 That was fast, you thought, but it was his first time, you supposed. You hoped he had good stamina, because you didn’t want this night to be anywhere close to over.

 “I c-can’t…” His hips were starting to shake a bit. “God, you feel so good. Squeezing me so tight.”

 “Ming…” you whispered, holding his face. “I wanna make you cum. Want you to cum for me.”

 “Oh, fuck…” he whimpered. “God, f-fuck-“

 His voice cracked as his eyes squeezed shut, his belly tensing and his lips dropping open in a silent moan. 

 And for a few seconds, time didn’t exist. There was only him and you and your bodies, like this was how you were always meant to be. You felt his big hand on your waist and his thick length stretching you out, but you also felt that same comforting atmosphere that always followed him around. You saw his face, the one that you knew so well, contorted in pleasure, and you heard his familiar voice making unfamiliar noises. And there was no one in the world you’d rather do this with. There was no one else you wanted to kiss. 

 “I love you.”

 He cried out as he came, curling in on himself and burying his face in your neck as he pulled out so just his tip was inside, pumping the condom full of his load. 

 He pulled out and rested his cock on your belly, huffing in your neck as he caught his breath. 

 You stroked his hair and swallowed, a lump forming in your throat. 

 You said it. You told him out loud and you’d never be able to take it back. 

 He just kept breathing down your neck, sweaty and shaking and wondering if he heard you right. 

 “I– I tried not to…” you breathed. “I tried so hard not to fall in love with you. You’re my best friend and you mean more to me than anyone else. But I just…” 

 You swallowed. There was really no going back now. 

 “I see you smiling and it hits me like a steamroller. Like my chest is knocked in and I can’t breathe. It feels… It feels like I’m suffocating and I don’t know how to stop it or make it go away.”  

 You felt his large hand hold your jaw, and his lips were on yours. 

 “Please… be my girlfriend,” he mumbled, breathless between kisses.

 You pulled back to look in his eyes. “What?”

 “I’ve been in love with you since we were kids. Please, please, please be my girlfriend.”

 Your face broke a little bit. “You have?”

 He nodded, and then his face broke, too. “Please say yes.” He held your face, looking deep into your eyes. “P-please, baby.”

 “Obviously yes,” you smiled, tears so close to spilling from your eyes. “Dummy.”

 “I love you,” he cried, kissing you again. “I love you so fucking much.”

 “Mingi,” you breathed, for no reason other than to say his name. 

 He kissed you and cried and you kissed him and cried, and he suddenly remembered what Yunho said. A nice way to show her I really care. 

 He kissed down your neck, across your chest, on your nipples, over your belly, until his shoulders were between your thighs.

 “W-what are you doing?” You asked, looking down at him a little too innocently.

 “I don’t really know,” he sighed, leaning forward and kissing your dewy pussy.

 “A-ah! Mingi!” Your legs instinctively closed around his head, and his big hands gently pried them open again. 

 “It’s okay…” he breathed, leaning forward again. “I’ve got you, baby. I’m not gonna hurt you.” He sweetly kissed your inner thigh before spreading you with his tongue.

 You whimpered and squirmed, grabbing a fistful of his soft dark hair. 

 “You sound so pretty,” he mumbled, kissing your clit, “And you taste so good…”

 His thick, plump lips worked with his velvet tongue to worship your pussy. And it was loud, the room filled with wet sounds and Mingi’s groans, along with the pathetic little moans you were letting out. 

 You looked down at him. His ears and cheeks were dark red, his eyes closed, the sharp tip of his nose shiny and wet. 

 “T-that feels really good, Ming—“ You were interrupted by your own gasp as his tongue slipped into your entrance. 

 “You’re mine now…” His deep voice sounded gravelly and thick. “You’re all fucking mine…”

 “Mingi…” You whimpered, lacing your fingers through his hair as his lips sweetly sucked your clit. How did you learn how to do this? You wanted to ask. 

 But he was moaning against you again before the thought could finish. “I’m gonna do this every fuckin’ day…” He blinked slowly, a string of drool connecting his lips and your pussy. He used his broad shoulders to push your legs open even wider, taking a deep breath before diving back in. 

 This time, he slipped two fingers inside of you while he worked his tongue. He closed his eyes, enjoying the taste of you while he passionately used his fingers and tongue. 

 “I’ve dreamed of this…” He paused to kiss your inner thighs. “Wanted this for so long… needed to know what you tasted like.”

 “Mingi…” You breathed, watching as his pink tongue drew circles around your clit. “I-I’m gonna cum again…”

 “Yes,” he groaned, never coming up for air. “Please, baby. Come in my mouth. I wanna taste all of it, please… wanna lick you clean.”

 Hearing those filthy words come from shy, sweet Mingi’s mouth made your stomach flutter. Your thighs clenched around his head as he gave you the most enthusiastic slurp of the night, the otherwise silent room filled with the sounds of his mouth devouring you. 

 You moaned so loud when you came that there was no doubt in your mind that your roommates heard. Mingi’s groans of enthusiasm were hardly muted, either. 

 Your thighs twitched, your body shook and your hips pressed against Mingi’s warm mouth as your orgasm consumed you, and you’d never felt more adored in your life.

 And then he didn’t stop. 

 “Mingi!” You cried out, trying to squirm away from his tongue. 

 But he looped his arm under one of your thighs, keeping you pried open. He used his other hand to spread your pussy, groaning as he licked it again. 

 “My girl…” He mumbled, and he seemed to be drunk off the taste of you, talking to himself. “Such a pretty fuckin’ pussy…” 

 Your eyes widened and you twitched as his tongue flicked inside of you again. You’d never seen this side of Mingi before; you’d never seen anything close to this side of Mingi before… and you really, really didn’t want it to stop. But—

 “I’m really sensitive, Ming…”

 That seemed to snap him out of his trance a bit. He looked up, moving his body up to sweetly kiss your lips again. “I’m sorry, baby. You j-just…” He sighed, catching his breath. “You taste so good.”

 You smiled. “I really like it when you call me baby.”

 He kissed your forehead then collapsed on the bed, laying next to you. You rolled onto your side, gently stroking his belly. 

 “Do you feel good?” He asked softly, his full cheeks blushing. “Was that enough?”

 “Enough?” You laughed in disbelief. “It was perfect.” You nodded. “Perfect.”

 “I’ll always make sure you’re satisfied, okay?” Your boyfriend looked you in the eye, his brow slightly furrowed. “A-and I’ll always make sure you’re taken care of. I’ll make sure your belly is always full and your shoes never get dirty.”

 A kiss on his chin, your face in his neck. “It’s just me, Mingi. Just you and me.”

 “Just us…” He mumbled, “Just like always.”

 You nodded and then sat in silence, touching and being touched. He stroked your thigh with his pinky, his eyes on your lips. 

 “In our own little world. Just the two of us.”

#song mingi x reader #mingi smut #song mingi x y/n #song mingi x you #ateez fanfic #ateez x reader #ateez imagines #ateez fic #mingi scenarios #mingi fanfic #mingi x reader

[alimaybankkk]

sunshine PART TWO

part 1 heree

summary: the pogues r vv curious..

warnings: i don’t think any?? besides violence lol

pairing: jj maybank x fem!routledge!innocent! reader

————————————————————————

kie held your hand, walking alongside you down the beach.

“ooh!” you cried, bending down to pick up a water bottle and stuffing it into your garbage bag.

the sun was still rising, and kie had no energy to do anything but walk this early in the morning. she groaned, pointing to the sand. “sit?”

you shook your head. “kie, you’re all about saving the earth. what’s going on?”

“tired…”

you were an early bird. you were up early every morning in some kind of cute outfit to watch the sunrise. you needed some sunshine as early as possible.

you sighed. “you’re right. maybe i should have asked someone else.”

kie raised an eyebrow. “like who?”

you grinned, starting to walk a bit ahead. your outfit today was a flowy purple shirt and cutoffs.

“seriously, y/n, who?”

you shrugged innocently and kneeled on the shore, picking up a seashell. “look how pretty!”

kie rolled her eyes, angry you were secret keeping. “let’s go. i wanna go home.”

you frowned and stood, shoving the seashell into your back pocket.

“you got a new necklace,” kie acknowledged quietly.

you blushed, feeling the necklace around your neck. “yeah, i did.”

“i didn’t know you used those beads. are those yours?”

you shook your head and walked faster.

* the pogues had once more left you out of their discussion, leaving you dangling your feet into the hot tub and reading a book.

jj watched you from the side of his eye, barely listening to the conversation being presented in front of him.

kie cleared her throat. “so i think your little sister as a mystery man, jb.”

jj’s head immediately flung back to the group, gasping at her words.

john b scowled. “i’ll kill him.”

“chill out, man,” pope said. “we don’t know who it is yet.”

“she really likes him, i think,” kie said.

jj hid his crossed fingers behind his back. he knew they were probably talking about him, but there was always a possibility there was another boy.

“i don’t care if she likes him or not.” john b growled.

sarah grabbed his hand. “no, it’s cute. she’s in love.”

“we have to figure out who it is,” cleo insisted. there was a hum of agreement from the group.

kiara nudged jj. “you good?”

he bit his lip. “yeah, i’m good.”

“well, how can we figure this out?” cleo asked.

john b looked at jj and raised an eyebrow.

jj sighed, hiding his excitement. he’d finally have a reason to talk to you. “i’ll go talk to her.”

he stood and jb slapped him on the back and watched him walk over there.

kiara shrugged. “i wish it was him. they are like childhood lovers.”

john b gave her a look. “i’ve made it very clear she’s off limits.”

jj approached you, sending you a smile. “hey, princess.”

you looked up, grinning excitedly. you went to kiss him, but he held you back, turning around. “you can’t kiss me, baby.”

you frowned, heart breaking. “why not?”

“they’re watching us. let’s just talk.”

you nodded, disappointed. “got another tan,” you told him.

he nodded. “saw that. very pretty.”

you nodded and looked at his wrist, grinning when you saw his bracelet. he returned the favor when he saw your necklace.

“so, they’re talking about you over there,” jj said.

you frowned. “why?”

“kie said something about a ‘mystery man’ of yours. someone i know, baby?”

you giggled. “maybe.”

he grinned, looking up to the sky. you grabbed his hand. “why can’t we tell them?”

jj looked at you with sadness, knowing you were all he wanted. “i would tell them, baby, it’s just your brother.”

you nodded, frowning. he sighed and stood up. “gotta go. i love you, baby.” he ruffled your hair.

“i love you, jj.” you said in a sad voice as he walked away.

“anything?” sarah asked when he came back.

jj shrugged. “she won’t crack.”

————————————————————————

“so our plan is,” john b clarified, leaning against the wall of the chateau hours later. “jj drives her out of her room and then we sneak and take her phone. plan?”

“and what if she takes the phone with her?” pope asked.

“she doesn’t really care about her phone. she’ll most likely leave it. plus when she’s alone with jj, he’s like her best friend so he entertains her. right, j?”

jj rolled his eyes. “i still really don’t like this plan. we’re already invading enough, but stealing her phone? i mean, come on, man!”

“what’s up with you, rude boy?” cleo asked.

he cocked his head to the side. “never mind. let’s do it.”

kie raised an eyebrow but nodded. she wanted to figure out what was driving her best friend crazy. “let’s go.”

and so they walked down the hallway, everyone but jj stopping to cram into the bathroom.

“ow! get off, man!” cleo yelped, elbowing pope in the gut.

“fuck off!” he growled.

“shh!” sarah covered his mouth and john b ran his fingers through his hair.

“this is the least heated situation we’ve ever been in and yet it feels like the worst,” he said, pacing.

“john b, do you really think it’s right to go through your sister’s phone? she’s not ten anymore.” sarah asked.

he bit his lip, punching the wall. “shut your mouth, sarah!”

her eyes squeezed together and she flinched, about to cry. everyone in the crowded room grew silent.

“i’m sorry.” jb said. he wished his sister was still much younger than him, the one that would be tricked into cleaning and the one that loved sweets and princesses and playing mermaids. he couldn’t stand the fact you were growing up, and it gnawed at him day and night.

jj shuffled through the hallways rather loudly. he didn’t have to care about getting caught. he approached your room and did a little knock code you guys made when you were nine.

“jj?” you asked, setting down your remote.

“hey, princess,” he whispered.

you grinned, standing to kiss him. you were more than relieved when he kissed you back, grinning. “wanna come watch a movie with me?”

you looked at your tv. “okay.”

he grabbed your hand, followed by grabbing the phone that was on your bed.

leading you into the living room, he waited until the tv and the couch were set up to watch titanic before he unlocked his phone.

he texted the group chat, “clear,” and minutes later he heard very quiet shuffling.

you looked at him. “is everyone else home?”

he gave you a confused expression. “no-no, do you hear someone?”

“a big crowd of people,” you told him, sitting up and gripping his bicep.

he winced. he knew you relied on him to protect you, and it broke his heart to know that he was protecting you from himself. “just watch the movie, sweetheart.”

he checked his phone and saw a text from john b. her phones not in here. what do we do now?

he smirked and texted, find a new plan i guess? without me though. i can’t just leave her here. we’re watching a movie. also don’t come in. told her no one was home.

he mentally patted himself on the back. damn, you’re a genius, jj, he thought.

he sighed, turning his phone off and pulling you into his chest. he cuddled you for a little bit until you fell asleep and he slipped out of your grasp.

he gave you a kiss on the forehead before leaving the room, going outside to meet the pogues out back.

they were dangling their feet over the hot tub, discussing quietly about a plan.

“find nothing yet?” he called from the patio.

“jj, come here, you got to help us!” cleo yelled.

he sighed. “damn, they all just need me, don’t they?” he said to himself.

“coming!” he yelled back.

jogging to the hot tub, his brain missed the interpretation that there was a rope right where he ran, tripping him. he fell face flat, groaning.

john b got up quickly to help him up. jj groaned and felt around for his belongings that fell out of his pocket. his hands landed on his phone, but that’s when he noticed john b froze.

“jj,” john b asked slowly. “why do you have my sister’s phone?”

he winced, gripping the blades of grass underneath him. soon, he was surrounded by the rest of his friends. “damn, i thought that was mine!”

“you thought a bright yellow phone case was yours?” kiara asked.

“i—i didn’t see the phone case, guys. swear. if you want it, you can have it.” he swallowed.

john b gave him a look. “what’s going on?”

“i just really don’t think this is right, man!” jj cried.

“please,” cleo chuckled. “when have you ever cared about what’s right!”!

there were “yeah’s” and “mhm’s” from all around the group, but jj gripped a tighter hold on the phone.

“you know what, fuck you!” he yelled. “i made a promise to your sister when we were little that i would protect her no matter what. i’m going to follow through with that promise whether you like it or not.”

john b let his mouth fly open. “jj, i’m her brother. it’s fine, it’s just a phone.”

“then let it go, man!” jj exclaimed, standing up and brushing himself off. “there’s really no need for you to be going through her phone if it doesn’t matter that much. if you want to find out so badly, find out a different way.”

he picked up the phone and kicked the kickstand off of his bike and drove away, not before revving the engine and messing with the dirt in the lawn.

“get out of here, man!” john b said, flipping him off.

*

“john b?” you called, waiting until your older brother issued a grumpy ‘what?’ “have you seen my phone?”

there was silence for a second, but then he said. “no.”

you sighed, setting into your bed and diving into your book.

you heard a crash from outside and looked to your window.

that’s probably the kitten that’s been limping around!

you rushed to the window, hoping to catch it and save it, but instead, you stared into the eyes of the beautiful jj maybank.

“oh, hey, j,” you whispered, now understanding to be discreet.

he grinned, shoving you to make room for him to slip in. he kissed you and you giggled.

“i know we’re trying to keep secrets, but i’m sure john b wouldn’t mind if you showed up at your best friend’s house.”

he widened his eyes. “i’m sure he would, cupcake.”

you lifted an eyebrow. “why?”

he reached into his pocket and pulled out your phone. “long story short they’re trying to snoop and i interfered so they got mad.”

you grabbed your phone back from him. “did you go through it?”

“quite the opposite. why? got something to hide?”

“stop,” you smiled. “and no, not really. but if they found anything about you on it, they wouldn’t be too happy, would they?”

he shook his head. “that, princess, they would not.”

you nodded and climbed onto your bed. he followed you, slipping under l the covers with ease. he pulled you close to him, resting your head in his neck.

you only felt pure happiness before you drifted off.

*

“she’s sleeping, douche!” you heard. you sat up, startled by the noise. you felt empty when you didn’t see jj next to you, but you felt scared when you heard him in the hallway.

you stood up and walked into the kitchen, on the verge of tears when you saw a glass fly at jj’s head.

“john b?” you said quietly, causing the commotion in the room to stop.

“sis…” his voice trailed off, picking up a stray pillow that had been thrown near you. “sorry. i— um..”

you looked at jj who wiped his bloody lip. you gasped and sprung into action, grabbing a paper towel and raising it to his precious mouth.

“john b, did he fall?” you asked, knowing the answer was no.

he sighed, pinching the space between his brows. “no, sis… shit-i—”

“your brother’s a dick, princess.” jj said.

you looked up. you knew jj never called you that in front of john b.

“you guys have been sneaking around?” john b scoffed.

“don’t call it that, man!” jj cried, shoving john b’s chest.

“jj, no!” you cried, grabbing his hand. “please don’t hurt him.”

and then you gave him those puppy dog eyes that he adored and hated at the same time. he completely folded, apologizing under his breath.

“so yeah, you guys have been sneaking around?” john b asked.

jj tried to control his anger. “i said, don’t call it that.”

you looked at him. we are sneaking around though, right?

“you guys haven’t…” john b’s voice trailed off.

jj cringed. “fuck no.”

your heart sunk. not that you wanted to do anything like that anytime soon, but jj made it seem like it would be disgusting with you.

“oh.”

“can we not fight about this?” you asked, walking the boys to the couch.

“john b, man, i love her.” jj said, not making eye contact with him.

john b froze. “oh.”

you bit your lip. “i love him too.”

jj chuckled. “damn, jb, if you didn’t put me in charge of caring for her when we were little, then maybe i wouldn’t do it so much.”

john b nodded. “yeah, i guess this is mostly my fault.”

you nodded.

“okay, can we go back to sleep now?” jj asked.

john b chuckled, still nervous. “sure… i guess.. but don’t—yeah..”

jj made a face and nodded and grabbed your hand.

“no more hiding, baby.” he whispered to you.

you giggled.

“i have something for you,” you said once you were back on your bed.

he leaned back, excited. “gift away, princess.”

you pulled out a simple necklace you threw together. it was just a gold chain and a seashell in the middle.

you shrugged innocently and kneeled on the shore, picking up a seashell. “look how pretty!”

“i was doing a litter sweep on the beach with kie and found it. i thought of you.”

he grinned. “that reminds me. baby, i think of you all the time.” and he leaned in and kissed you before going back to bed.

#jj x reader #jj mayback x reader #jj maybank #jj mayback imagine #jj obx #jj maybank x reader #obx #obx fic #obx imagine #outerbanks #outer banks #outerbanks fic

[hongmingoo]

I'm Going to Paint Your Heart Yellow!

Pairing: Lee Seokmin x f!Reader

Warnings: Going Ranger au, kindergarten teacher reader, fluff, toxic relationship, grumpy reader, sunshine seokmin, tiny bit angst.

Word count: 5.3k+

Summary: When a grumpy teacher meets a sweet ranger, an unlikely pair. What will happen when one fall in love with the other? Will they find their mutual standing?

“I’m going to paint your hearts yellow. Going Yellow!”

You simply did not expect this. How could you? This scene is straight out of the cartoons you watched during childhood. Who would have thought that power rangers are actually real living people and their headquarters are next door to your workplace.

You watched, in utter confusion as the six-man team stood before the class of 4 year olds, introducing themselves ‘enthusiastically’ without a hint of embarrassment coloring their faces. Oh, actually one person does looked ashamed of what he’s doing and wishes the ground would swallow him whole. His eyes met yours and the tip of his ears burnt brighter red as he looked away immediately. The secondhand embarrassment you’re getting from this is unreal.

“Seokminieeeee~” a girl cheered. The man who’s hair is dark orange, wearing the uniform jacket with yellow detailing smiled sweetly and waved at her. Oh, he’s cute. You noted.

“That is not Seokminie. That is Going Yellow!” a boy argued.

“Its Seokminie!” the girl argued.

“Going Yellow!”

The banter is going back and forth, it’s going to become chaos soon. The rangers were trying to calm them but they made it worse because more kids started to join the fights. You stood up straight, cleared your throat loud enough for the kids to hear. Immediately, the children went silent.

“Kids, the rangers made their time to come see you today. Are you going to fight? Should I ask them to leave so you could fight instead?” you asked, voice firm.

“No…” they chorused.

“Is everyone going to behave now? So that Mr. Rangers can continue?” you asked again.

“Yes, teacher,” they answered in unison.

“Good. Thank you” you calmly stated, aware that all eyes are on you but decided to just be cool about it despite panicking on the inside.

“Oh, This is Miss Kim Y/n. She’s our new teacher. But ever since she came it has been a lot easier to control the kids because she’s very strict but very kind at the same time” the principal, Madam Lee introduced you. You gave a slight bow to the men and they returned the gesture with an awed smile.

The rest of the day went well. The kids enjoyed the time they spent with the rangers and they seemed to share the same sentiment too. They went back to their office after lunch and the daycare quiet down since most of the kids had gone home with their family. It’s almost 7pm and one kid still hasn’t gone home yet. And you’re left alone with her after Madam Lee went home.

“Soojin-ah. Do you usually go home this late?” you asked as you began to pack up your things. The little girl who was coloring her book looked up at you and nodded.

“Usually, Madam Lee accompanies me because Seokminie gets off work at 8pm. Or sometimes it’s Teacher Seo who stayed behind. But there are days when mom came to pick me up earlier too. But now mom is on a business trip” she explained cutely, her hands flailing everywhere as if to emphasise her story.

“Seokminie?” you asked, sure that you heard that name before.

“My uncle. He is Going Yellow. He worked next door” she cheered. You smiled at her cuteness so you bend down to pat her head. You took a seat next to her to see her coloring book and was genuinely impressed to see it was so neat and tidy. Usually kids her age have a very messy art style.

“So today, I'll be the one to accompany you. Is that okay with you?”

“Okay!! But I’m super hungry right now hehe” she giggled cutely. You noticed she has the same smile as her uncle, it was very bright and innocent that they’re able to melt anyone’s misery right away.

“Oh no… That’s bad but I don’t have any food on me right now. Should we go to the convenience store nearby? It will be my treat. But we’ll have to let your uncle know first, in case he comes here to search for you” you suggested after you rummaged through your bag for any snack you could find.

“Is that really okay?” the girl asked again, she was very polite for her age, you could not help falling for her even more.

“Of course. But it will be our secret only okay?” you chuckled, holding out your pinky for her to hold. She beamed, immediately jumping to her feet to lock her tiny pinky with yours. You helped her to pack her things before locking up the school to head to the Ranger Headquarters next door, hand-in-hand with Soojin.

“Annyeonghasaeyoooo~” the little girl announced as soon as they stepped into the cold office. There was the pink ranger from earlier and he immediately beamed upon seeing the little girl.

“Aigoo, it's Soojinnie. Are you looking for Seokmin?” he asked, kneeling to be on the same eye-level as her. He gave you a polite nod and a smile, acknowledging your presence next to her.

“Eung. Is he here, Hao-samchon? I want to ask him if I can go to the convenience store with my teacher because I’m hungry” she pouted.

“Aigoo, why are you going to the convenience store if you’re hungry? Stay here, I’m cooking dinner right now” another voice piped in from behind you, startling you. The figure appeared, stopping next to the pink ranger, grinning at the girl before turning to look at you. He’s wearing the same jacket as ‘Hao’ as Soojin mentioned but you haven’t seen him before. He is super tall, towering over your frame, with long hair framing his attractive face with a box of groceries in his arms.

���Soojinnie? You’re here?” Seokmin’s voice called from behind you yet again. You both turned to look at him who also had a box of groceries in his arms.

“Seokminieeeee. I’m hungry. I wanna go to the convenience store with my teacher. May I?” she asked, giving him her cutest puppy eyes. Seokmin turned to look at you for confirmation and you nodded.

“I can even leave my things here if you’re wary of me,” you stated. He immediately looked guilty because his eyes went wide as saucers.

“No! It’s not that! Of course I trust you. You’re hired by her school after all” he panicked.

“Just eat here. We’re having dinner” the taller guy said.

“But I’m suuuuuupeeerrr hungryyyyy noooowwww” Soojin whined, enhancing her pout even more.

“How about we go buy some snacks first while you’re cooking then I’ll send her back here for dinner” you suggested.

“You’re staying for dinner too” all the other four stated in unison and you’re left speechless.

“Are you okay just going alone with your teacher? Because I need to go cook. What do Soojinnie want to eat?” Seokmin asked her niece.

“I’ll behave. I want to eat tteokbokki please?” she asked nicely. You almost coo, but held yourself back when the uncle coos at his niece first. He nodded, and let you take his niece away as the both of you trotted to the nearby Family Mart.

“I’ll introduce you again. We have 2 teams. Each teams consists of 6 people and there’s 2 doctors. This is my teammates in Division 1. Our leader, Red is Lee Chan, he’s the youngest by the way. White is Hong Jisoo, Blue is Choi Seungcheol, Pink Xu Minghao, Black Jeon Wonwoo and Yellow is me, Lee Seokmin. For Division 2, Red is Boo Seungkwan, Blue is Chwe Hansol, White is Yoon Jeonghan, Black is Kwon Soonyoung, Yellow is Wen Junhui and Pink is Kim Mingyu. This is our founder Dr. Woo or his real name, Lee Jihoon and his assistant, Hong Yeseung, Wonwoo’s girlfriend. Did you get it?” Seokmin explained as if he’s shooting a rapping bullet through your brain at dinner and you blinked nervously, not getting anything at all.

“She obviously doesn’t get anything with that kind of explanation” Dr. Woo commented.

“It’s okay. Let’s take time to get to know each other. We’re neighbours after all. We’ll see each other a lot” Chan nodded in assurance.

“Aigoo, look at you trying to be the leader” Seungkwan sassed. The rest of the team laughed at their banter and you chuckled, feeling strangely at ease with the lively bunch.

“What’s your name? Seokmin only tell you ours. But not yours. What should we call you?” the sole female, Yeseung asked kindly.

“Y/n. My name is Kim Y/n,” you replied.

“Nice to meet you, Y/n” she chuckled.

It actually doesn’t take long at all to get along really well with them all, considering your nightly routine to drop Soojin at the rangers’ office and staying over a bit to chat with Yeseung while babysitting the girl as she wait for her uncle to finish work. Your work hours are supposed to end at 6pm and it was supposed to be rotational to stay with other teachers but you offered to stay back with her everyday because the other teachers has their own family to tend to, and you’re the only single teacher plus you have a tiny weeny crush on the girl’s uncle but of course you weren’t going to admit that. It’s funny how hard you were trying to hide that but some of them already seemed to notice your crush on the yellow ranger, well except the man himself of course.

It was children day’s celebration, the school decided to work together with the rangers to organize a mini picnic day for the children. The event will be held at the Rangers’ training grounds because their spaces are bigger and can fit more people. Parents are invited to join the picnic but since it was held on a working day, not many could attend.

You were helping around when you noticed the red rangers bicker with each other which color of mats suits the theme the best. Hansol, the blue ranger from Division 2 was standing in between the both of them with a blank expression plastered across his face. In his hands, he was holding red and blue mats as he waited for them to decide which one he should lay on the grass for guests to sit on. You sigh, reaching for yellow mats silently and began laying them on the grass, leaving a bit space in between so that it will be easier to walk around. Hansol noticed what you were doing, and promptly leaving the two to help you lay more yellow mats in silence. He was slow on his actions but you didn’t mind because he was still helping nonetheless.

“We’re using yellow?” Seokmin’s voice was heard behind you, very loud and excited and you had to hold yourself from screaming in shock at his sudden appearance.

“Yellow? I thought we’re using red?!” Seungkwan questioned, looking shocked at how many mats you and Hansol had placed around the venue.

“We’ll be having this picnic next week if I let Hansol wait for your decision on which color to use. Plus, I’m hungry already” you stated, unamused. Seokmin snorted while Seungkwan scoffed at your audacity but he didn’t say anything and just gifted you with his bombastic side eye which you’d get on a daily basis already.

“You did’t have breakfast today?” Seokmin asked, ever the gentlest one– looking at you with his doe eyes. It was so hard to maintain a blank face when you just want to coo at his cuteness but, you’re a cool lady, so a facade is a must.

“I overslept and rushed here without my morning drip” you grunted a bit and he just chuckled at your respond.

“Come with me, there’s some of the meat that’s already cooked. You can eat that first. Jisoo made some coffee too,” he beamed, grasping your sleeve covered wrist and tugging you gently to follow him to the grill. You had to fight the blush that is trying to creep up your face at that intimate gesture but it certainly doesn’t help when you see the knowing looks your friends sent you. Mingyu was holding back his snicker by flaring his nose as he grilled the meat, Yeseung was hiding her grin behind the paper cup that she had been sipping on for the past 15 minutes. Meanwhile, Yoon Jeonghan doesn’t even bother to hide his smirk while his evil twin is beaming at you with his ‘angelic’ smile.

“Do you prefer beef or samgyeopsal?” Seokmin asked, letting go of your wrist only to pull a paper bowl to fill your food as he stared at you with those innocent eyes again.

“Beef” you mumbled and Jeonghan who was grilling the beef quickly placed some in the bowl as he giggled evilly, his eyebrows going crazy as he looked at you. You moved back to stand slightly behind Seokmin as you glared at him, mouthed ‘be quiet’ but the older guy only laughed more, happy to tease you. Seokmin was puzzled, to see his friend acting like that so he turned back to look at you, but you had your blank face on again.

“Why are you so happy?” he questioned innocently.

“Ah, no. I’m so happy that Teacher Y/n wants to eat my cooking~” he laughed evilly with his signature deep giggles.

“Of course she'd want to eat your cooking, you're the best at grilling beef!” Seokmin beamed and you almost threw away the bowl and kissed him stupid.

The picnic started soon after, parents and students filling up the venue, talking and playing with each other. You were just sitting by the coffee counter with Jisoo and Yeseung when a familiar child came running to you.

“Teacher! Come eat with me and my family. Mommy and granny want to meet you,” she beamed up at you while pointing towards where her family is seated. They were easy to spot, as there was a head of dark orange amongst the dark hair.

“Go ahead and join your family” Jisoo mused, his eyes gone as he beamed while his sister nodded along. Sometimes you didn't know if they were teasing you or genuinely happy for you but you had to remind yourself that the Hongs are the most mischievous among the bunch (plus Yoon Jeonghan) so you have to be careful not to be pulled away by them.

You let Soojin guide you to her family, her mother and grandma greeted you with a warm welcome and the man you've been crushing on silently is smiling so brightly it's almost blinding.

“You seemed awfully happy today. Did something good happen, Seokmin? Grandma Lee asked her youngest son.

“Jiwon is back from Canada. And she's coming today, I'm waiting for her right now. Hehe” he answered with a sheepish smile. You could see his sister and mother glancing at each other in concern before turning to look at their youngest again.

“Jiwon? Didn't you two break up already?” His sister asked.

“We did. But Jiwon texted me last week to fix our relationship. So, I agreed”

The atmosphere is tense and you could hear your ears ringing from the knowledge of Seokmin having a girlfriend and you might have been rejected before you even got the chance to confess.

Not longer than 15 minutes after that, Seokmin got up from his sitting position to fetch someone at the gate of the headquarters. He came back, a few minutes later with a woman probably in the same age range as you guys– hand in hand.

The girl took a seat next to you, who had Soojin resting on your lap. She eyed you suspiciously before turning to her boyfriend.

“Who's this? I haven't seen her before?” She questioned.

“Ah, this is Y/n, Soojin’s teacher. She's a close friend now considering she's always there to accompany Soojin while I get off work. Y/n, this is my girlfriend, Jiwon” Seokmin explained, the bright smile never leaving his handsome face.

“Hello, Jiwon,'' you greeted politely, only to receive a frown and half-hearted nod in response. You were quite taken aback by this behavior until you saw Seokmin's sister rolled her eyes in annoyance but didn't say anything else whilst mother only smiled at the new girl.

Jiwon is a brat, you noted.

For the whole day, the girl next to you has been clinging to her boyfriend as if to show off to you that he belongs to her and hers only. You got tired of it eventually and excused yourself to go back to your friends.

“How was it? Their family is nice, right?” Yeseung asked, when she noticed you're back– handing you a cup of iced coffee to soothe your thirst.

“Yeah. But someone isn't”

“Who?”

“Jiwon”

“That bitch came back?” Yeseung questioned, her eyes blazing now.

“You knew her?”

“Well yeah, I punched her in the face once because she was trying to take advantage of my Wonu,” she muttered and you gasped.

“What?! Holy hell, you punched her? What did she do?”

“Well… She sprained her ankle and I asked Wonu to help her because Seokmin wasn't around. And then, she started flirting with him suddenly, when Seokmin came back, she accused Wonu of trying to harass her. Yeah, and I did that”

“Damn… Did Seokmin get mad?” You inquired.

“He did. He was upset with me for hurting his girlfriend but he knew I wouldn't lie and Wonu wouldn't do that to her. So, yeah, he apologized the next day,” Yeseung sighed. You looked back at the couple who were laughing together and sigh.

The days after that passed by normally, you still stayed late to accompany Soojin as you always do, talking and joking around with the rangers including Seokmin occasionally. It was really a big change for you. Truthfully, when you learned that your crush has someone else you'd immediately cut things off with them and run away.

But you found yourself unable to do that to the Yellow Ranger. Not when you see how happy he is to be telling you how his days went by, how happy he looked when he said his girlfriend likes his cooking and how cheerful he is after she came back. Not that he wasn't cheerful before, it's just all of you could see how he's happier now, that he's bouncing in every step he takes.

You didn't know how you could see this even brighter side of him was due to someone else and not you. Maybe you overestimated yourself, because the world does not revolve around you and you absolutely do not have the power to make everyone happy. But a part of you did hope that this unrequited love would be requited anyways, what a wishful thinking.

You were surprised that you didn't run away this time, and you didn't feel as bitter as you did when you were rejected. Maybe your heart really was painted yellow by the ranger, and that is why you're still here, wishing him happiness with his girlfriend. And he'd look at you with his brightest smile, cheeks bunching cutely, eyes gone, nose scrunched as he thanked you.

But today, Seokmin wasn't at his office when you came over at tea time to pass the muffins that you and your class baked. Mingyu had told you he went out with a sullen look on his face earlier. It was raining heavily outside, and you were worried that he didn't have his umbrella with him.

You run around the neighborhood, only to see a familiar figure crouching down behind the concrete tunnel at the playground in the rain.

“Seokmin? What are you doing here? It's raining” you asked as you carefully came up to him. He was still crouching, eyes downcast as his hands held waterproof cardboard over a puppy lying down on the ground.

“This puppy, he's dead. I- I always feed him but I was a bit late today be-because–” he sobbed, still staring at the lifeless puppy below. You crouched next to him, covering his head with the umbrella you brought even though he's already drenched and your heart broke at the sight of him, face wet with tears and raindrops, a frown and pout decorating his handsome face.

It was the first time you saw him cry, because he's always the one who comforts others, always puts others before himself.

If he's the one who always offers his shoulders to anyone who's sad, who offers their shoulders to him when he's upset?

“Do you need a hug?” You offered silently, opening your arms for him. Seokmin pouted even more before nodding and slowly moving to bury his face in your shoulder, and wrapping his arms around your torso as he sobbed sadly. You patted him on his back in a comforting manner, just listening to him crying his heart out for who knows how long.

“Sorry, I've wetted your sweater with my tears…” he mumbled as pulled away from you after he calmed down a bit.

“It's fine. Are you feeling okay now?” You asked with a soft smile.

“Yeah, thanks. But you're all wet too now! I'm so sorry!” He panicked again upon seeing half of your body was wet from the rain too. Your skirt was drenched, same as your shoes and socks.

“Hey, it's fine. I have spare clothes back at school. You've been in the rain longer than I am. We should probably get inside now or else we'll be sick. Come on,” you stood up, offering your hand for him to take. He did, and you walked together to find a box to place the puppy so that he can bring him to the pet crematorium at the end of the block later.

You didn't ask anything to him, it wasn't your place to be nosy of his affairs even though you're dying to know why his members said he's so sullen today.

“I had a fight with Jiwon,” he said out of nowhere when you both were watching the process of the cremation of the little puppy.

“Ah, I see. No wonder Mingyu said you looked sullen today. It's okay you can always talk and fix–”

“She wanted me to quit my job as a ranger,” he added and cut you off. You gasped, but didn't say anything to let him continue.

“I mean, I was fine if she didn't want me to raise the puppy at my apartment because she's always there. But telling me to quit my job just because Yeseung and Wonu are there and you're next door is a bit overreacting, don't you think so?”

“Me?”

“Yeah, Jiwon knows we're close to each other. I told her that you're my closest friend next to my members and she didn't like it. She was mad and we argued. She should've known that I love my job very much and she should have just supported me even if she didn't like it but forcing her decision on me is unacceptable,” he complained but all you could hear was ‘you’re my closest friend next to my members’.

The way he rejected you whilst being so unaware about it was so unreal that it stopped being funny to you.

“Yeah, she should have respected your opinions instead of forcing her beliefs on you” you muttered weakly as a response. You both walked back to the headquarters in silence only to hear screaming on the foyer.

“Jiwon?” Seokmin called out. The woman turned towards where you both stood at the gate and she rushed towards you to push at your shoulders violently, making you stumbled back.

“You bitch! Why are you with him?! What did you do?!” she screamed at your face.

“Jiwon, why are you being like this? Y/n was just accompanying me to send off the puppy that I always fed” Seokmin explained, trying to get his girlfriend off of you.

“That damn dog again?! How many times do I have to tell you? It's disgusting!” Jiwon yelled. You grabbed her by the collar, irritated at her constant yelling.

“Shut your trap. You're making a scene” you warned, voice low and demanding.

“And who are you to tell me anything?! Oh, you're ashamed that people are gonna know you're an ugly bitch who's trying to steal someone's boyfriend?!”

“No one's ashamed of anything and no one's stealing anyone. Calm down, Jiwon. Listen to me, please” Seokmin pleaded, pulling his girlfriend away from your grasp.

“Why are you siding with her? Did you actually like her?!” Jiwon shouted.

“I am honestly stunned. How did a guy who's so nice like him ended up with someone crazy like you? Did you put a spell on him or something?” You sighed exasperatedly, before snickering at her in a mocking manner. You've lost your cool. Your anger is blazing right now.

“You called me crazy?! Who do you think you are!” She yelled yet again, splashing the cup of orange juice at your face in anger. The whole foyer was stunned, including Seokmin. No one dares to make a move or utter a thing.

“You should have been grateful that he's the nicest human being on earth, the purest and kindest to ever exist. You should have been kind and respectful towards him, treat him with care and so much love the way he treated his friends and you. The way he deserves. Honestly, he deserves so much better than a nasty piece of crap like you” you spat, venom lacing in your tone. Your eyes are glowering in rage, if looks could kill, the woman in front of you would have died more than a few times already.

“What? Do you think you're better than me? That you deserved him?!”

“I'm not. If I'm better than you, I wouldn't even be here entertaining your pathetic ass. I'd rather ignore your pitiful yapping and tend to him because right now, he needs comfort more than anything. But here I am, standing eye to eye with such an ungrateful bastard when my heart is burning with envy”

It was indirect confession, you realized it too late as you noticed Seokmin's eyes widening at your words. But, you'd rather tell him the truth now instead of seeing him getting hurt by this wench.

“You actually have feelings for him, you shameless bitch!” Jiwon screamed, lurching forward to give you a slap but you were faster. She staggered back, the sound of smack was deafening. All eyes landing on you.

“Stop trying to touch me with your filthy hands. It's disgusting” you spat, before walking away from the scene.

You didn't know how you ended up at Yeseung’s door after that, only staring mindlessly at Wonwoo who had a shocked expression seeing you there– drenched.

“Come on in, Yeseungie is inside” he ushered you in, closing the door behind him.

“Bub, Y/n is here. She needs you” the tall guy had said to his girlfriend who was inside the bedroom.

“Y/n?” Yeseung’s voice was heard before she emerges from the bedroom wearing matching headband and pajamas as her boyfriend.

“Oh my gosh you're drenched. You're gonna wet my floor. Off you go to wash up, I'll bring you a change of clothes” she huffed, pushing you off to the guest bathroom.

“Baby can you get us some snacks?” Yeseung said.

“Yeah, I'll leave them at the door later and I'll be at Soonyoung's place. Call me if you need me, okay? Love you, bub,”

“Wonu left. You can wash up and then we'll talk,”

You ended up crying the whole night, before running down with a fever. It was embarrassing, being heartbroken until you fell ill as if you're still in highschool. It was even more mortifying that your body decided to fall sick at Yeseung’s house– troubling the couple even more. But they didn't mind at all, nursing you back to health as if you're their child.

You saw Seokmin again the next school day and you tried your hardest not to just bolt away and listen to what he has to say instead. You guys decided to talk at a nearby cafe, with a cup of coffee and cakes.

“I broke up with Jiwon” he announced, capturing your attention. You didn't know what to respond to that, so he continues,

“Thank you for saying what you said that day. I was really thankful and grateful for that. What you said made me really happy. Knowing someone thinks highly of me is really comforting,”

“I wasn't the only one. All of us feel that way. All of us think very highly of you. You're the kind of person who deserves the whole world” you mumbled. Seokmin smiled warmly at your words, enough to make you flustered.

“And… I'm sorry I didn't realize that you've liked me for a long while already. Mingyu told me that I've been blind. It must've hurt a lot yeah? Listening to me talk about Jiwon all the time… I'm sorry…”

When his voice sounded sad, you whipped your head up to look at him, his smile gone with a pout decorating his handsome face.

“It's fine. You don't have to be sorry, I'm just glad to see you're happy is all”

“But I am upset that you said you didn't deserve me and you talked badly of yourself. Because to me, you are so caring and loving towards others even though your face is intimidating sometimes”

“I really like being around you, Y/n. You made me feel at ease and I know I can always be myself and count on you. So… will you please not run away and stay until… until I can learn to love you more than a friend does?” He asked, round eyes looking at you with hope. You looked away, trying to hide the blush that's creeping their way up your face but he took it the wrong way, immediately pleading.

“Did you not like me anymore, Y/n? Is it because of what Jiwon did to you last time? I'm sorry, please! I promise I'll learn my hardest even if I'm not the brightest student!” He panicked.

“Only for a short while. I'll stop liking you if you take too much time to learn” you muttered, still staring out of the window at the cats.

“I'll try my best!” He chirped excitedly. His smile came back, beaming at you brightly like the sun itself.

You lied. There's no way you would actually be able to stop liking him, because you're falling in love with him deeper every second you spend with this man. Because your heart has already been painted yellow by the ranger himself. Making you feel bright, easy going and fluttery ever since you met him.

I guess rangers do exist. And their powers actually work too. – you noted, staring at the man who was petting a cat rolling around on the pavement.

“Y/n, let's adopt him!” He quipped, looking up at you with thise shiny eyes again.

“You can adopt him, but why do you need my approval?” You asked.

“Are you not going to be my girlfriend later on? I'll need your approval if you're going to always come to my apartment,” he questioned.

“Have you taken your lesson seriously? I told you I'm not going to wait for long,” you sassed. He gasped, bouncing on his feet to stand up quickly with the cat in his arms. His brows furrowed as he stepped closer towards you with that cute pout again.

“I'm learning! I promise I am. Don't leave. You're not allowed to” Seokmin whined, his fingers curling around your wrist gently. You smiled.

“I'm kidding. I won't leave. You can paint my heart yellow again if I tried to,” you chuckled, pulling your hand away only to lace your fingers together with his.

It was his turn to blush now, even the tip of his ears burned bright red.

“I will! As many times as it takes!” He announced, squeezing your hands together. He looked so cute like this, it warms your heart. You both ended up laughing at your ridiculousness, walking hand-in-hand back to your workplace.

-Fin-

#seventeen x reader #svt fanfic #hongmingoo #svt fluff #svt dk #svt dk x reader #dk x reader #dokyeom

[aurora-daily]

AURORA in an interview for Ticketmaster via Amroth | April 6th, 2024

In April 2022, AURORA read a letter that changed her life. It was co-written by indigenous activists, titled ‘We Are the Earth’, and called for a revolution: a collective response to global warming – to “heal the land”. They described being connected to the land “through our hearts”, and the earth as “the heart that pulsates within us.”

The letter led AURORA to consider a question: what happened to the heart? “Everything we do is about greed, about money, about mass consumption, about capitalism,” she says, blue wide-eyed and flooded with feeling. “There’s war everywhere, countries under water, flowers in Antarctica. We are ruining our land, mistreating our animals, our clothing, and each other. We have stopped leading from the heart.”

And so 27-year-old Norwegian art-pop superstar AURORA began studying books on human anatomy. She wanted to understand when and why Western culture lost touch with the deeper purpose of our most vital organ.

“The ancient Greeks thought the heart was the portal to spiritual divinity, that it represented the interconnectedness of the world,” she says. “But then Aristotle comes along and says, ‘the heart is a pump’. Then Plato says, ‘the heart makes blood’. Then another guy says, ‘the heart filters the blood’. And so bit by bit, it became purely functional. We had misinterpreted its whole meaning.”

The letter also resonated with AURORA on a more personal level. In 2022, she released her chart-topping last album, The Gods We Can Touch, which saw her complete a sold out UK headline tour, including at BST Hyde Park alongside Adele. With over a million album sales and 2.6 billion streams, and her inaugural The Gods We Can Touch book selling 14,000 copies (while signed copies sold out in less than an hour), AURORA was at her professional peak. Yet at the same time she experienced something painful that split her in two. She sensed a disconnect between her mind and heart. “It made me understand women in a way I hadn’t before. It made me understand how evil hides behind the nicest of faces.”

AURORA’s fourth album, What Happened to the Heart?, is a journey from weakness to strength, from self-destruction to self-healing. Of reuniting a fractured self. “It’s actually the most personal and cathartic album I have ever written,” she says quietly, as if the realisation had only just come to her.

‘Some Type of Skin’, a dark slice of electro-pop, reveals the conflict at the album’s core. “When you’re vulnerable, anything that brushes up against you makes you bleed,” she says. “But you need to go into battle, you need to build some type of skin.” In the song, AURORA cries: “Hit me hard where I am soft… should my heart reveal itself to be more than a muscle? Or a fist covered in blood?”

To build her armour, AURORA decided to throw herself into chaos. “Usually I am very careful, very reasonable” she says. “But for once I wanted to experience what it felt to be unreasonable. I needed to be destructive.” So she gave herself a year, while she was touring ‘The Gods We Can Touch’, to throw herself into life hard and fast. “A lot of alcohol, very little sleep, a lot of fun,” she smiles, a little wistfully. She went ice swimming and hurled things in rage rooms. “It was painful, but I was building skin.”

The chaos extended to the writing process. “I had a rule: I could only write in unsafe spaces, I needed to be rootless.” That meant no forests, where AURORA had spent much of her childhood in Bergen, Norway – a solitary safe haven away from those who made her “feel alien”. These “unsafe spaces” were loud, full of people, “strange smells, noises…anywhere where I could feel observed”.

AURORA travelled all over the word, meeting with women she describes as modern day philosophers, “women with true knowledge”. In particular, three female tribe leaders in Colombia, Brazil and Argentina. “There is wisdom in their indigenous values. These women live in the modern world just like us, but they still choose to live with kindness.”

She was inspired by their feminine power. “Men have been leading us for thousands of years and look where that has got us. We need change, and women have had everything figured out from the very beginning of time. We were the first timekeepers, we could track the seasons inside our own bodies.” She grins cheekily. “I would be scared of us too, if I were a man.”

Feminine strength inspired 'The Gods We Can Touch' – fighting against internal shame and societal judgement of the female body – and it is no less present here. Above the throbbing techno of 'Starvation', produced by German Nicolas Rebscher, who also worked on her debut EP 'Running With the Wolves', AURORA mourns the depletion of the human spirit as a result of technological invasion that is particularly threatening to women. “Our souls are starving, because AI is taking over; art is being replaced by computers,” she says, gravely. “And women, our consent, is being exploited, as it always has been, from porn to deep fakes.”

The act of mourning is integral to What Happened to the Heart? As AURORA says, “I’ve been thinking a lot about funerals, and in the music people used to deal with death”. She drew on buried grief for loved ones, as well mourning her former self.

“In Norway there is a culture of repression. I suppressed something for so long, and became infected by it,” she says, with a deep sigh. “So once I began to properly address my past, I realised that a lot of things I remembered were very different from how I imagined. And I had to accept that I have to change to move on. I am not the same as I was". She adds, firmly: "I have to learn how to work with this body, in this mind, as they are now.”

This mourning led to a kind of holy communion between AURORA's heart and mind for the first time. “I spent a lot of time drinking wine alone, speaking out loud, my heart and mind finally in conversation.” She would record these conversations and later transcribe them as fodder for her songs, such as ‘The Dark Dresses Lightly’, a haunting folkloric melody over an urgent drum pattern, which imagines the heart and the mind as two characters sitting at a table, drinking together – you can even hear the glasses clinking in the production.

AURORA leans forward conspiratorially. “So the heart says, ‘Okay, now, we've gone too long without communicating. Tonight, we're going to get drunk, go deep into this shit, and explode on each other’.” The song is the album’s turning point, AURORA adds, “when all the ugly has come out, and you can kind of hear me having an orgasm because getting everything out is so delicious, and the healing can truly begin.”

These imaginary exchanges felt so visceral to AURORA that she would sometimes paint them; the heart and mind in a sword duel, “splattering all over each other”, she says, her face lighting up with mischievous delight.

It’s a viscerality mirrored by the album’s production: a thrumming, primal force that confronts the almost ecclesiastical purity of AURORA’s own vocals. “It reflects this idea of the body falling apart, and being glued back together by something inhuman.” This discord is brought to life by “beautiful old synthesisers” that AURORA found all over the world, including with previous collaborator Tom Rowlands of The Chemical Brothers. “I got him to puke all over the song ‘My Body is Not Mine’ with his old modular synths” she says, which, fittingly, “had a mind of their own.”  

Despite the thematic and sonic darkness of the album, AURORA wanted to maintain a certain playfulness. “A very random, very intuitive,” way of producing. She collaborated with some of her favourite Norwegian artists and producers, from Ane Brun on ‘My Name’, to Matias Tellez on ‘Invisible Wounds’. On some tracks she plays the drums, a fiddle player and a traditional Chinese Pipa player were brought in, and some songs contain a “beautiful mandolin from the 60s”, she says, smiling, picking up an imaginary bow as she loses herself in the memory. There is even a disco song, ‘Do You Feel?’, produced by longtime collaborator Magnus Skylstad and sure to be a club-banger and chart hit. “It makes no sense, I have no idea why it’s on the album,” AURORA laughs, like a tinkling bell. “But my sister was born in the 80s and I was kind of thinking about her. And I liked the idea of having a song that made no sense.”

Not all these songs are a product of chaos, however. The first and the last songs of the album, ‘The Echo of My Shadow’ and ‘Invisible Wounds’, were written in the quiet. “In my living room, where it was safe. They came directly from my solitude.” And with this quiet comes hope: “We both need to/Tend to the invisible wounds,” AURORA sings, a call to action for herself, to the listener, and to the world, to rupture with this malignant state of inertia, to fight back, to heal. “We need to stop this sense of global denial. We need to blow up, because it’s important, sometimes, to explode. Explosion is vital for change, to put the heart back into politics.” She smiles, and says, in the softest tone: “I think what we need... is a small riot.”

#aurora #aurora aksnes #interviews #what happened to the heart? #some type of skin #starvation #my body is not mine #The Echo of My Shadow #invisible wounds #do you feel

[myveryownfanfiction]

Sharpuary day 8: Scarborough

18+ MINORS AND THOSE WITHOUT AGE IN BIO DNI

tags: @illiana-mystery, @iobsessoverfictionalmen

warnings: swearing, mention of Aesop Sharp's time as an Auror and injuries

Aesop hadn’t been back since…that night. For whatever reason, he allowed me to convince him to take a small vacation to the beaches of Scarborough. Aesop busied himself with the luggage while I handled everything else. Once we were in the room though, he immediately went to the bathroom and I heard the water running. Sighing, I looked out the window at the beach.

“I know you’re worrying about me.” Aesop said as he wrapped his arms around my waist. “You don’t have to. I’m fine. I’m going to be fine.” I turned to look at him, noting the small smile and shining eyes.

“If we end up anywhere near that dock, you tell me and we’re out of there.” I said. Aesop nodded, not losing his smile. “I’m serious Aesop. You tell me.”

“I will.” He assured me before kissing me softly and dragging me out of the hotel room. That night when we had returned, I headed to the bathroom while Aesop put away everything that we had brought with us and purchased. I tried not to think too hard on what it must feel like for him to be back here, even though I did not yet know the full story. Aesop was a closed book when it came to the night he had lost his partner and gained his injuries. Turning off the water, I wrapped a towel around myself before venturing back into the main room.

"Aesop?" I said softly when I saw him sitting at the little desk, lost in thought. "Sweetheart?" Aesop looked up at me and gave me a small smile.

"Feel better?" He asked. I nodded, having gotten all the sand out of my hair. "Good." Aesop turned to look out the window and I moved to get dressed, knowing he was getting lost in his own thoughts even if he was trying to have a good time with me. "You can see the dock from here." I had just pulled my shirt over my head when Aesop spoke again. "At least I can. Sort of. Maybe I'm staring off in the direction of it since I know it should be there."

"I know what you're going to say," I said as I walked over to look out the window with him, hand on his back. "But do you want to change rooms?" I started to rub his back as I waited for his response.

"No. I don't want to be an inconvenience when I honestly am probably just imagining things." Aesop shook his head. "Besides, you deserve to know." He turned to look at me.

"I don't need to know Aesop." I whispered, watching as he opened a door in the wall he had built up. "You don't need to do this unless you want to." He smiled at me and wrapped an arm around me.

"Always looking out for me." He breathed as he kissed my head. "I want to. You know that I was cursed on that dock. I lost my partner." I nodded as I let him pull me closer. Aesop pointed out the window. "The dock should be just over there." I followed his finger and nodded as I could just make out the dock in question. "My partner was my childhood friend, Ashley. She was an even better Auror than I was. And I don't say that to be modest. She really was. We had a tip that there would be smugglers coming to that dock. They were part of a ring we had been tracking for months and this was going to be our chance to take them down. What we didn't know, or rather didn't bother trying to find out, was that they were expecting us. We don't know who tipped them off. We didn't even know who tipped off the Auror's office." He sighed and squeezed my shoulder. "A fight broke out. I thought Ashely could handle her own so I barely gave her a second thought. I was so sure we'd both get out of there. I had just finished off the last of the smugglers. Or so I thought." He ran a hand down his face. "The bastard came out of nowhere. Ashley didn't have a fucking chance. She was dead before her name even left my mouth." I tightened my hold on Aesop as he squeezed his eyes shut.

"Aesop..." I breathed out. "It's not..." He shook his head.

"I was frozen. Couldn't do anything." He breathed out. "Next thing I know I went flying back as I was cursed. Other Aurors had shown up by then. Managed to surprise the smuggler so that he only hit my leg. Part of the curse managed to clip my face. It's not as bad as my leg but it still hurts on some days." I turned and wrapped Aesop in a hug. I buried my head in his shoulder and felt him slowly hug me back.

"I didn't know." I breathed out. "I can't believe that's what happened. The Ministry covered it up didn't they? I don't think...I never heard..." Aesop nodded against me as he laid his head on my shoulder, eyes finally falling close.

"They did. Wouldn't want the wizarding world to know that one of their greatest Aurors had failed." Aesop said, a bitter edge to his voice. "It's not the curse that makes it hard to talk about. I..." He trailed off and I nodded in understanding.

"It's Ashley." I breathed out. "You didn't fail her Aesop. You did everything you could to protect her. If you had known, if you had moved faster...it's all just playing into variables you had no control over." He nodded and buried himself deeper into me. "I think she'd be happy you came back here." I finally said, tangling my fingers in his hair. "I think she'd tease you about our relationship." I felt his laugh rather than heard it as he nodded. "And I think that I would probably get along nicely with her. Finding out all about how you were as a child and a teen." Aesop pulled back, a twinkle in his eye.

"Oh I can tell you that." He laughed. I smiled softly at him as he nodded towards the bed. "What do you want to know?"

#aesop sharp #aesop sharp x reader #aesop sharp fanfic #aesop sharp fanficiton #aesop sharp imagine #professor sharp #professor sharp x reader #professor sharp fanfic #professor sharp fanfiction #professor sharp imagine #hogwarts legacy #hogwarts legacy fanfic #hogwarts legacy fanfiction #hogwarts legacy imagine #sharpuary #sharpuary 2024

[marcmarcmomarc]

After the news of Rooster Teeth’s death, I decided to remake this post of Ruby telling the tale of RWBY+J’s time in the Ever After to the Remnant Alliance as another dose of RWBY positivity, once again inspired by this post by @pmpknsoup.

———————————————————————————

(In Theodore’s office in Shade Academy at early evening, Team RWBY and Jaune face the main members of the Remnant Alliance.)

RUBY: Listen. Thanks, everyone, for your patience. It took a while to figure out how to tell you, and I know being left in the dark about our whereabouts over the remainder of the winter, the whole spring, and the summer has left you anxious, but now, I’ve decided it’s time to reveal what’s been going on. Miss Robyn Hill, I’ll need your Semblance to prove all of this correct.

ROBYN: Uh, okay.

(Robyn steps away from the group, removes her glove, and joins hands with Ruby. Her Semblance turns on and glows green with every piece of information Ruby gives.)

ROBYN: So what happened in the pocket dimension?

RUBY: Well, after I fell, I regained consciousness on a beach surrounded by giant seashells. I tried to hone in on a giant tree, but just ended up looping in circles. Eventually, I had to stop, then found a mouse trying to pull a plant out of the ground. I pulled the plant out for the mouse and fed them a cheese. After the mouse revealed that they could talk, I named them Little, and they decided to stay by my side as I tried to get home. Then we found Weiss and Blake captured in vines by a whole village of talking mice. It didn’t take much convincing to get them to let them go. Then we went to look for Yang and found a creepy Grimm-looking creature moving jerkily. And I mean very creepy. Then Yang came barreling out, already fighting the creature while missing her arm. Then Blake realized we were in our favorite childhood fairy tale, The Girl Who Fell Through the World.

(Confusion and wonder all around. “That fairy tale?” “The Ever After?” “It’s real?”)

OSCAR: That fairy tale actually happened? And the Ever After is real?

RUBY: Which meant the creepy Grimm-like creature was the Jabberwalker from that story. Also, Weiss had a very hard time wrapping her head around the Ever After’s absurdities.

(Weiss blushes with embarrassment.)

WEISS: Did not.

RUBY: Our hands are glowing green, Weiss. Robyn’s Semblance never fails. Then we went to the village in the Crimson Acre to barter with the Jinxy Peddler, who had stolen Yang’s arm, or “took something we weren’t looking at”, according to Little.

EMERALD: You met the Jinxy Peddler?

VELVET: Was he cute?

WEISS: Yeah.

RUBY: And, despite being older than he was in the book, his strategy was the same, selling treasures that are really other items in disguise. If my memory serves me right, he had a yellow scepter, a pink rabbit statue, and a marionette-like doll. Toy soldiers won the scepter, and we only got it back from them because Little tried stealing the marionette, exposing Jinxy’s treasures as fakes. The rabbit statue was another mouse, the scepter was Yang’s arm, and the marionette was one of Penny’s Floating Array swords. The soldiers followed us to arrest us for stealing Yang’s arm, or “royal property”, before I traded Penny’s sword, with a story of her being the greatest warrior to ever live. “She was touched by magic, and she gave her life for thousands. She took a message of hope to the stars, and she saw the world through better eyes.”

(The gang gets emotional, especially Winter and Pietro, who are comforted by their loved ones.)

RUBY: The soldiers escorted us to the Crimson Castle for the birthday of who we thought was the Red King, but turned out to be the Red Prince, who was more of a spoiled brat than Weiss was at Beacon.

YANG: (nudging Weiss) Heh-heh.

RUBY: We challenged him to a game of chess, where he shrunk the girls to the size of chess pawns. Not that it hindered their performance against the Prince’s pawns. When we revealed that we’re humans and beat him, he threw a tantrum and wanted us beheaded, and the Curious Cat rescued us.

(More interested chatter. Nora gets giddy.)

NORA: The Curious Kitty?!

REN: Were they as chatty as the book made them out to be?

RUBY: Mm-hm. Not to mention easily distracted. Anyway, they took us to look for ingredients for a Growgurt Parfait in the Garden Acre, and we told them our life story, then they briefly distracted me with questions about how I’m supposed to save the world now that Salem has two out of four Relics and that Atlas is gone, making me lose them over and over again. After the third time, we met an herbalist, a caterpillar named Herb who seemed to be asking us questions to figure out what medicine he needed to make to help us. Reasonable, as too little medicine is useless, but too much medicine is toxic. Eventually Herb just decided to smoke a hookah for a bit and drugged us with leaves that made us see our past selves tempting us to “go back”. To be free. To be simple. To be whole. To be different. The other girls rejected and had already accepted their failures as something to learn from, but I almost gave in, before the Cat stopped me, then got Herb swallowed by a hole in the ground.

TAI: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back up. You guys did drugs?

QROW: Don’t let alcoholism be next, girls.

RUBY: Anyway, the Cat led us to a market to keep looking for the Parfait ingredients. Along the way, they told us about a process that occurs when an Afteran is no longer doing the assigned role that they are supposed to be, triggered by them losing their ways, wearing out, doubting themselves, or even just finishing their assigned tasks, upon which they are taken to the Great Tree and repurposed into someone or something else with a new identity, personality, and role. Their memories are erased in the process, but the heart very rarely forgets. They don’t die. They ascend.

(Such a concept catches the interest of the gang.)

REMNANT ALLIANCE: Ooh.

RUBY: And then, the market was attacked by Jabberwalkers using Neopolitan’s Semblance. Yeah, Neopolitan fell with us, too.

(The members of the Alliance who know who Neo was grow worried.)

REN: Uh-oh.

TAI: Neopolitan? Who’s that?

RUBY: Roman Torchwick’s parter. She’s held me responsible for his death at the Fall of Beacon and wanted me dead to avenge him.

RAVEN: Was she that chick I saved Yang from on the train on Mountain Glenn?

RUBY: Yep. Then I disposed of her by opening her umbrella on an Atlas airship in the sky during the Fall of Beacon. Apparently she survived that fall without any of those Grimm surrounding us eating her.

OSCAR: Team JNPR and I last fought her right after Ironwood declared us fugitives.

RUBY: Then she fought us in the pocket dimension between here and Solitas. Heck, she was the reason Yang, Blake, and I fell. Anyway, we had all of the ingredients for the Parfait, and the girls grew back to normal size just as we got assistance from the Rusted Knight riding his white rabbit.

WHITLEY: Did Weiss go goo-goo eyes the second she laid eyes on him? She had a crush on him when she was younger.

BLAKE: I think everyone had a crush on the Rusted Knight at some point.

RUBY: Well, things didn’t help when he turned out to be a grown-up Jaune with longer hair and a beard, who grabbed a fruit that sent him back in time twenty years right after he landed.

(The gang gasps at the new knowledge of the Rusted Knight being not only Jaune, of all people, but Jaune thrown backwards in time, grown older, and living without his friends for so long.)

NORA: Oh, my Gods, Jaune!

JAUNE: I was stuck there isolated from other human contact, too.

YANG: Weiss certainly loved how mature he was.

RUBY: And the white rabbit was a jackalope Jaune named Juniper.

NORA: After his team? Aww!

RUBY: Then Jaune told us his perspective on the Tree, that he believed it was death, that Alyx backstabbed her brother Lewis, the author of the fairy tale, who wrote the story the way he wished it happened, and that the Cat couldn’t be trusted. Before long, we got caught in a “punderstorm”, which creates a physical manifestation of a mental or emotional problem. Jaune, Weiss, Juniper, and I were sent to metaphorical and literal crossroads, while Yang and Blake were sent to two broken, wooden, rickety bridges connected to a giant pillar that they could only make more planks to advance toward if they were honest about their feelings for each other. Yeah, Yang and Blake are girlfriends now.

(Everyone’s hearts melt, all proud for the Bees.)

REMNANT ALLIANCE: Aww!

NORA: See, Ren? I told you there was more going on!

KALI: Our baby girl found love?

TAI: With my sunny little dragon?

RAVEN: Wow. She really is your daughter, Tai.

RUBY: Then the Cat bailed on us after mistaking us for selfishly using them to get home, and once the storm passed, Jaune let us spend the night in his house in the Origami Acre, then he introduced us the next morning to a village of paper stars called the Paper Pleasers whose purpose was finished and kept trying to go to the Tree to gain a new purpose, but Jaune had been stopping them for as long as he knew them. He also named them after all of us. On Jaune’s to-do list, I saw Ren, Ruby, Oscar, Nora, Neptune, and Pyrrha. Anyway, a Paper Pleaser told us that Jaune had nothing to worry about, that the Tree isn’t death, it’s rebirth. They were just listening to Jaune so as to not hurt his feelings. Then Neo’s Jabberwalkers attacked, and while we were distracted, the Paper Pleasers finally managed to off themselves via destroying the koi pond dam, then when the girls asked me to help comfort Jaune, I blew up at them for caring more about everyone else’s feelings or getting home, taking my mental health for granted and ignoring my problems…

(Everyone leans in anxiously. Things are getting even more interesting, but not in a good way.)

(Weiss, Blake, Yang, and Jaune exchange looks of guilt.)

RUBY: …then I ran away, came across the Abandoned Acre, and entered a random mansion, where Neo had made clone illusions of Roman Torchwick, Penny, Pyrrha, Professor Lionheart, Clover, Ozpin, and Ironwood, and used them to physically and psychologically abuse me, beating me up ruthlessly and blaming me for their deaths, and when the chaos was over, I felt no will to live or be myself anymore, not helped by Torchwick’s question: “Do you really think you can stand to watch more of your friends fall? Or are you ready to admit the truth, that the world would just be better off without you?”

(The gang regards Ruby with sorrow over her being trampled by her trauma. Ozpin can be heard sniffling.)

RUBY: Then Neo offered me tea made from leaves from the Tree intended to wipe me from existence, then the Cat blasted her away, but then turned out to be evil and tried to possess me, while revealing that they had been trying to wear me down, then Neo fought them off and stomped Little to death, then I finally gave in, drank the tea, offing myself, and got swallowed by the Tree.

YANG: (tearing up) Oh, Rubes.

RUBY: Then I met a Blacksmith, who I also found at the market, or, rather, she found me, and then she presented me with a choice to either change my identity or be myself. I saw my mom’s weapon and was treated to a vision of the night she left with Raven on another one of Ozpin’s secret missions and never came back.

(Tai turns accusingly at Raven.)

TAI: Raven?

YANG: She lied? She left with you?

RAVEN: Yeah… Hey, like I said to her, “First time for everything.”

(The gang gives her a look.)

RAVEN: Really? Sheesh. Tough crowd.

HARE: (to Ruby) Wait. What did you say your mother’s name was again?

RUBY: Summer.

HARE: (muttering) So, her uncle is Qrow, her father is Taiyang, and her sister’s mother is Raven. All are members of Team STRQ. Summer, Summer, Summer… (out loud) Summer Rose, the leader of Team STRQ, was your mother?

REMNANT ALLIANCE (walla): Summer?…Summer Rose?…The previous silver-eyed Huntress?…That’s Summer Rose’s daughter?

RUBY: Yeah. And then, I finally remembered my mom’s words, “I love you just the way you are,” and chose to be myself. And I. Came. Back, and helped the girls fight the Cat. And we won.

(Cheers and applause all around.)

RUBY: And then Neo killed the Cat with the Jabberwalkers, who, by the way, are the only creatures to prevent Ascension if they eat Afterans.

BLAKE: On my count, there were a whopping five of them.

REMNANT ALLIANCE (walla): Five?…Five of them?…Five Jabberwalkers?

SUN: Talk about overkill.

ELM: (after doing the multiplication math in her head) That’s gotta be over ninety teeth!

RUBY: And, according to the girls, Neo was possessed by the Cat, and she chose to accept Torchwick’s death and undergo her own Ascension. Oh, and Little ascended, too, into who we called Somewhat, and succeeded Jaune as the protector of the Ever After. By then, we had made it to the Tree by coming to terms with the truth, we’ll never be perfect, that even the most skilled Huntsmen and Huntresses have failed, and we walked through the door back home, landed inside the plane of the Tree, met the Blacksmith again at her workshop, and when we noticed two statues of the Brother Gods, she told us their backstory. That the Ever After was overfilled with plants and dangerous wildlife in its primordial years, but the Brothers were created to clear it out. Then they created the Afterans as well as the different acres for them to live in. They designed new creations that would replace them in maintaining the Ever After. This was how the Cat was created. They later created the Jabberwalker as a form of destruction. However, the two disagreed on whether it disrupted the balance or not and began to wage war.

OSCAR AND OZPIN: (both scoff) What else is new?

RUBY: The Blacksmith told us how balance isn’t supposed to be two opposing forces locked in battle; balance is an ecosystem, an organism, and a living thing, thus balance isn’t restored with force or manipulation, it’s restored naturally, requiring love and patience to see it through to the end. The Gods got to Remnant because the Ever After created a door to a “greater beyond” for them, so they can leave and experiment in creating new worlds as much as they like.

NORA: (snickering) So the Tree basically said, “You think you have life sorted out? Then get out of my house”?

RUBY: Pretty much.

(Everyone laughs at the Brother Gods basically being kicked out of the house by their “mommy”. Some Gods they are.)

YANG: (wiping a tear) Oh, my Gods, that’s such a hilarious way of looking at it. Thanks, Nora.

RUBY: Anyway, the Blacksmith told us that we have impacted the Ever After significantly; just like Somewhat, Alyx, and Lewis, and that the Cat caused a bad impact. Then she de-aged Jaune, but let him keep his memories, which explains the white streak in his hair, and made us a portal in the desert on the outskirts of the city, and now you’re all caught up.

(Ruby lets go of Robyn’s hand. The freedom fighter rejoins the rest of the Alliance.)

RUBY: So, I’m happy to announce that I’m not throwing in the towel anytime soon. We will not rest until the world is saved from Salem and her forces, for we are Team Remnant, led by me, Ruby Rose, leader of Team RWBY, offspring of Team STRQ, trainee at Beacon Academy, officially licensed Huntress, worldwide beacon of hope, and Silver-Eyed Warrior of peace!

REMNANT ALLIANCE (walla): Yes!…Great!…Alright!…Thank goodness…Welcome back, Ruby…Good to have you back, kid…Way to go, Ruby!…That’s my girl!

YANG: We’re so proud of you, Ruby.

RUBY: Thanks, guys. You and your support mean the world to me. And I’m just as proud to call you guys family. All of you.

(Everyone looks at Ruby with warmed hearts.)

———————————————————————————

Starring the voices of:

Lindsay Jones as Ruby Rose

Cristina Vee as Robyn Hill

Aaron Dismuke as Oscar Pine

Kara Eberle as Weiss Schnee

Katie Newville as Emerald Sustrai

Caiti Ward as Velvet Scarlatina

Barbara Dunkelman as Yang Xiao Long

Samantha Ireland as Nora Valkyrie

Neath Oum as Lie Ren

Burnie Burns as Taiyang Xiao Long

Jason Liebrecht as Qrow Branwen

Anna Hullum as Raven Branwen

Howard Wang as Whitley Schnee

Arryn Zech as Blake Belladonna

Miles Luna as Jaune Arc

Tara Platt as Kali Belladonna

Anairis Quiñones as Harriet Bree

Michael Jones as Sun Wukong

Dawn M. Bennett as Elm Ederne

Shannon McCormick as Professor Ozpin

Additional Voices:

Sena Bryer as May Marigold

Ashley Burns as Coco Adel

Tiana Camacho as Glynda Goodwitch

Cam Clarke as Bartholomew Oobleck

Michele Everheart as Fiona Thyme

Dave Fennoy as Dr. Pietro Polendina

Gavin Free as Scarlet David

Caitlin Glass as Willow Schnee

Lauren Landa as Carmella Lindt

Mick Lauer as Marrow Amin

Cherami Leigh as Ilia Amitola

Marissa Lenti as Joanna Greenleaf

Joe MacDonald as Yatsuhashi Daichi

Aaron Marquis as Nolan Porfirio

Elizabeth Maxwell as Winter Schnee

Lani Minella as Rowena Sunnybrook

Max Mittelman as Fox Alistair

Josh Ornelas as Sage Ayana

Anthony Sardinha as Peter Port

Kerry Shawcross as Neptune Vasilias

Keith Silverstein as Professor Theodore

Melissa Sternenberg as Maria Calavera

J. Michael Tatum as Klein Sieben

Kent Williams as Ghira Belladonna

Anne Yatco as Xanthe Rumpole

“One Day More” section here.

Moodboard index here.

#rwby #greenlight volume 10 #anti rwde #team rwby #team jnpr #professor ozpin #team strq #zwei #ace ops #happy huntresses #winter schnee #team sssnn #emerald sustrai #team cfvy #whitley schnee #willow schnee #klein sieben #maria calavera #pietro polendina #ghira belladonna #kali belladonna #ilia amitola #carmella lindt #bartholomew oobleck #peter port #glynda goodwitch #professor theodore #xanthe rumpole #rowena sunnybrook

[dorminchu]

Between Heaven and Earth: Chapter Three

a/n: Trying out shorter chapters, for the sake of editing and pacing.

Before the breach, Eren’s biggest opponents were childhood bullies who picked on him or Armin, and the occasional doubter of the Scouting Legion’s potential. Whereas his mother was against the idea of his enlistment from the beginning, his father suggested he could become a field medic. After all, there were more ways to help humanity than killing Titans. A lesser evil, no doubt posed for his mother’s sake. To Eren, it was better than disapproval.

Once Mikasa came to live with their family, she took the spot next to Eren’s bed in the loft. She was so quiet, if Eren hadn’t gotten to know her so well he’d have assumed she was only shy. But she looked out for him in the same way he did Armin, like the sister he’d never had. Sure, she could be a little stubborn and overprotective, chiding him for picking fights he couldn’t win, but Eren never loathed her for it. She was just keeping him on the straight and narrow, same as he’d do for her or Armin or anyone important.

That afternoon they spent chopping wood. Mikasa was pretty good at it, having grown up in the countryside. Armin couldn’t keep the same pace with the axe, too nervous of the potential for harm. He’d struggle to carry home the amount of wood as Eren, though he never complained about it. When Eren offered to help him, though, Armin would snap that he was fine, that he didn’t need to be worried after.

Eren didn’t get it. He wasn’t worrying after Armin, anyone could see that he was struggling, but that just made it worse. So he gave Armin his space, for the sake of their friendship. Eren didn’t mind bringing Mikasa along. If Armin felt differently, he didn’t say.

On the way back, they passed by a couple Garrison soldiers playing cards. Mister Hannes wasn’t at his post to-day. Probably blotto.

“She’s part of the family,” Eren said.

“Yeah,” the Garrison soldier said, “we heard about what happened. You’ve got the luck of the Devil.”

Eren shrugged. “I’d do it again.”

The men shared a laugh, more to themselves.

Mikasa said nothing for a while. Moving on, the usual silence between them felt different. When she asked, “Why the Scouting Legion?” Eren hesitated. Armin had made him swear not to tell anyone about his grandfather’s theories. Not even his mother and father would speak of it.

“Can you keep a secret?”

Mikasa nodded.

Eren turned down a side-street, away from prying eyes. “ Because there must be a world beyond these Walls,” he said. “Just like the Titans. We don’t know where they come from or how they’re created, so it stands to reason we must not know about what’s on the other side of the Walls. Once the Titans are eradicated, we can take back what was stolen from humanity.”

“How can you be sure it’s true?”

Eren shrugged her off. “What does that matter if I’m sure or not? It’s our right to see what’s out there.”

Mikasa frowned slightly. “What’s out there?”

“Armin told me,” he said quietly. “His grandfather knows a lot of things about the outside world. He has books from the world outside the Walls. But his family could get in a lot of trouble if anyone finds out. They’ll say he’s spreading misinformation.”

Mikasa nodded. She readjusted the scarf. She never went a day without it. His mother would’ve chastised her by now.

“You should wash it,” he said, “before you wear it out.”

“I know,” she muttered. “It just reminds me of you.”

Eren said, “Why does that matter?”

Mikasa wouldn’t talk to him. She wouldn’t explain what he’d done to upset her, either.

When they got back to the house and his mother asked how they’d been, Mikasa parroted his statement about the Scouting Regiment.

“Yes,” his mother said dryly, “I’ve yet to change his mind.”

Eren shot Mikasa a look. Was she still upset? Or just playing mother hen? What did she know about the Scouting Legion, anyway?

“The Garrison is already overcrowded,” Eren said. “And the Military Police is corrupt, they'd sooner sit on their asses then fix anything.”

“The military just want to boost their numbers,” his mother said. “They've been working on their slogans to make up for it.”

Eren scowled at the pile of lumber he'd brought in. Mikasa's eyes rested on the side of his neck.

“They’re doing the job that no one else can,” he said. “It’s more than the Garrison have done.”

The plate slipped from his mother’s hands and shattered against the floor. Mikasa flinched. Eren did not.

“The Scouting Legion,” his mother said, in a tight voice, “has taken more lives campaigning for a suicide mission than the plague did. If that’s what your heart is set on, you might as well just throw your life away.”

“We’re no better than livestock then. Why have a military at all?”

“Better to be livestock then carrion,” his mother said.

Even then, Eren couldn't muster any real animosity beyond childish frustration. She was saying it to protect him, the only way she knew. She'd lived her whole life inside the Walls and never questioned what she was told. She’d grown too comfortable, hunkered down in this house, wasting away.

While Eren took out his feelings on the washboard and laundry, Mikasa stayed behind to help his mother with dinner. Usually Eren would be the one pitching in, but with two equally stubborn people living under the same roof, they’d get into another argument if they didn’t cool off first. Besides, his mother had taken kindly to Mikasa. She probably appreciated the extra help.

After dinner, his mother took him aside. Eren was bracing himself for another lecture about humanity’s sake not being his burden, and how he should at least try to think about his future rather than an ideal. But all she asked about was Mikasa’s change in mood.

“Oh, well, I said she ought to wash the scarf before she wore it out. And she said it reminded her of me, which doesn’t change what I said. It’s her scarf now. She can wear it if she wants to, it’s just going to get dirty is all.”

His mother sighed. “Eren, I don’t think she’s unaware.”

Eren averted his eyes. “I reckon that I hurt her feelings.”

“She told me about the day you found her. It’s a nice memory,” his mother said. “Perhaps one of the few memories she has of that day. Sometimes, when people are grieving, they’ll act in ways that might seem a little strange. Just give her some time to adjust. I’m sure she’ll wash the scarf.”

“Right,” he said. He was about to apologise for their fight, but his mother had a habit of shrugging the topic off when it came to the military. So he wouldn’t bring it up anymore, at least not while she was present. Five years was a long time away from conscription.

As he got ready for bed, Mikasa was sitting by the window with the dying flame of a candlewick. The view wasn’t much. From the belltower, you’d be able to see all the way to the river that ran through Shiganshina. But here, you couldn’t even see over the Wall, though that wasn’t much to write home about either.

“It’s a nice view,” Mikasa said. “Even with all these buildings in the way. It’s a lot of roofs.”

Eren huffed. “I guess I never really thought about it that way.”

“I’m sorry,” he said. “About those Garrison men. I shouldn’t have talked so much about what happened.”

Mikasa looked at him oddly. “Why not?”

“Because—it’s none of their business.”

“All they need to know is that I live with your family now, after my parents died. Otherwise it would be a little odd.”

“Why would that be odd?”

She shrugged. “Because I had to come from somewhere. Unless Doctor Jaeger kidnaps children in his spare time, which isn’t likely. But that doesn’t mean it’s impossible either. Maybe that’s why he’s gone for such a long period of time.”

Eren snorted. “You’re being silly.”

The corner of her mouth turned. “But he could be harbouring secrets we don’t know about. How do you really know he’s going where he says?”

Eren shook his head. “He’s just working in the next town over. Mister Hannes and the other Garrison soldiers know him. Captain Shadis, as well, so they’d know if he wasn’t where he said.”

“Shadis?”

“That’s right, I never told you. Captain Shadis is in the Scouting Legion.”

“Did your father ever join?”

“No, he’s just a regular doctor. I used to think he’d be a field medic at least.”

The candle snuffed out with the breeze. Eren hiked his shoulders up to disguise a shiver. Mikasa went to close the shutters and he said, “I’m sorry for what I said, about the scarf.”

Mikasa paused. “It’s all right.”

⁂

Between the evening of Wall Maria’s breach, and waking up next to Armin and Mikasa in the workhouse, there was a gap in Eren’s memory. Whenever roused, unsure of himself, he would reach for his breast and find the shape of the key. Physical evidence of the home he’d once occupied.

Armin and Mikasa, and Mister Hannes, they hadn’t watched. Eren could’ve closed his eyes against what was happening, but he was powerless. Clinging to rage, it wasn’t for the sake of bravery. It was the only just response in a world so unfathomably cruel.

On the boat, the Garrison soldiers gave them all rations and a canteen to pass around. When Armin passed it to him, Mikasa grabbed Eren’s wrist with a start.

He’d torn his nails attempting to lift the cross-section of a beam too heavy for him. When Mister Hannes pulled him away from the wreckage, Eren’s bloody fingerprints were all over his Garrison jacket. The dull red crust coagulated around his nailbed.

“It’s not that bad,” Eren said. He didn’t react to her grip.

Mikasa’s eyes turned stony. She tore a small scrap of cloth from the hem of her dress, before he could protest, and wrapped it gently around his fingers.

“You’ll see a proper doctor,” she said. “Once we get to Trost.”

Eren nodded. He was staring ahead. Without any Titans present to project his rage onto, he was void of sentiment. Armin laid his head on Eren’s shoulder, and Mikasa’s arm came around them both.

⁂

Despite his record for injuries—concussion in 848, multiple sprains, a broken leg, abdominal puncture in 850—he’d managed to pull through each time. The nurses said he was in peak physical condition.

There was the tattoo inscribed into Mikasa's wrist she always kept covered. Tiny nicks in Armin's fingers from repeated ODM gear maintenance, a shallow cut down his palm—the slip of a knife during kitchen duty. Bruises in the shape of their ODM harnesses.

His body remained uncalloused, difficult to bruise. He’d catch his gaze in the mirror and swear they weren’t always so grey. When he looked at his hands, his body, his mind supplied an impression of pain without proof.

Private Jaeger had the luck of the Devil, they’d said. Eren grinned and went along with it. But it wasn’t some miracle, nor an aspect of his personality he'd choose to define himself—if you’d asked him, he’d say he was no thrill-seeker, just doing whatever was required to become adept with the ODM gear. The sooner he mastered it, the faster he could get onto the front lines and start eradicating Titans.

Mikasa's explanations were too technical, but she was friends with Bertholdt and Reiner and top of the class. She could keep up with them, but she chose to handicap herself by sticking to his side. Even when he made it very clear she didn’t have to, and that he didn’t want to be responsible for her in such a way. If she wanted to join the Legion or the Garrison, she could decide for herself. Just because his mother said to keep an eye on him, he’d think, it doesn’t mean you’re indebted to me.

He’d been reliving the same nightmare ever since leaving Shiganshina. Contrary to what other cadets assumed, it was never about the day itself. His mother’s body, thrashing. She screamed for a while, until the Titan squeezed its grip and her body twisted in on itself. She couldn’t scream anymore, just twitched feebly. His imagination filled in the blanks his emotions refused to accept. There wasn’t much to see at a distance, Mister Hannes’s pace, the cobblestones.

He could go over it, in his mind, but these associations never bled into his dreams. Mikasa and Armin, and the others, they’d just assume as long as he kept his mouth shut. It was easier to explain, under the guise of Titan-loathing mania. Why wouldn’t he dream about his mother’s last moments?

The dissonance used to eat away at him, whenever he wasn’t occupied. Throwing himself into farmwork, training exercises, unarmed combat with anyone willing to scrap, getting thrown around by Leonhardt, a couple snarling matches with Kirschtein. Drinking with the other cadets didn’t stop it so much as heighten his own awareness of his lack—the weight of the key on his breast was an anchor.

⁂

The day Eren's father took him to the basement, Mikasa was running an errand with his mother. It wasn't often Eren got to spend time with his father outside of a work-related context. The basement was where he worked, and he didn’t like to be disturbed.

His father bade him to sit. "This is a perfectly safe procedure. You will enter into a state of increased relaxation and focus, but you will be in control the entire time."

Eren shrugged.

His father pulled out a syringe and rolled up his sleeve. It pricked a bit, but his father was calm throughout the whole process. Eren followed the sound of his voice. That wasn’t so bad.

“Do you feel any different?”

“No, sir.” Eren figured they should probably go back upstairs. Mikasa and his mother would be home soon. His father stared at the desk for a long time. “What was the shot for?”

His father seemed to startle. A slight shift of his shoulders. “For your health. You’re the right age for it.”

His father had no reason to lie.

That evening, Eren turned up feverish. A foul taste lingered in his mouth, like iron and salt. His mother prepared dinner, and the smell of the meat made him want to throw up. He hadn’t meant to. He tried to apologise but all he could taste was iron and salt. It was affecting his sense of smell, or wasn’t it the other way around? He was trembling and blanching, but when he tried to explain he’d just retch again.

His father kept him bedridden and insisted he have no visitors. He said it was stomach flu, but that didn’t make sense to Eren. This blood taste didn’t make sense either. His teeth were fine, no open wounds inside his mouth. He could drink water without vomiting. “Dad,” he rasped, “I think—”

“You’re exhausted,” his father said, in a polite tone he only used with patients that were being unreasonable. “You need sleep.”

That week, his father stayed home and worked in the basement. Eren would listen to the sound of passing horse carts and pedestrians. Mikasa would talk to him about her day, or lay another wet cloth on his brow.

“You’re really feverish,” she said. “I should tell Mr. Jaeger.”

Eren reached for her wrist. “It’s all right,” he said. “I'm feeling better than I was.” He smiled, even though all the muscles in his body were on fire. It didn’t seem to reassure her.

“I’ll just let him know.”

“Mikasa, just wait until he comes upstairs.”

Mikasa held his gaze. “Why?”

Eren frowned. “He doesn’t like to be interrupted when he’s working.”

Mikasa was still looking at him.

His parents’ hushed voices, as though he could sleep with midday sunlight pouring through the window.

After a few days, Eren was up and walking again. The metallic aftertaste was still there, just dulled.

The door, usually locked, was open. The food Mikasa left the night before was congealed to the plate. When his father was busy, he could go hours without eating.

He was looking over at the desk, a strange and uncomfortable silence lingered.

“You should be in bed,” he began. It was a strange tone, as if he’d been caught unawares. 

“Sorry, sir. Mikasa wanted to know if you were all right.”

“I’m fine. Just lost track of time.” He readjusted his glasses. “You’re feeling better, I take it?”

“Yes, sir.” Eren couldn’t help it. “Honestly, I feel well enough to go into town with Mikasa.”

“That's precisely why you need to rest,” his father said coolly. “Give it a few more days.”

Surely, his father would’ve locked the door if it were so important. If Eren was contagious, he’d have said as much from the beginning. “I’m sorry, sir. It’s just that Mikasa didn’t get sick. Nor did you, or mother—so I guessed it wasn’t as serious as it seemed.”

“Don’t be an idiot,” his father snapped. “Armin’s family has enough problems without worrying about his health. You were just throwing up, for God’s sake.”

Eren glanced at the food. He went to take it.

“Leave it,” his father said. “I’ll take care of it myself.”

“You lied to mum about the food. It wasn’t spoiled.”

His father’s laugh was an ugly thing. A rictus grin, as he said, very quietly, “What exactly are you implying? That I’m trying to poison you and your mother?”

Mikasa was upstairs, asleep. There wasn’t anything Eren could say that would assuage this situation. Stupidly, he said, “You’re not making any sense.”

His father grabbed the plate and threw it. It would’ve hit Eren upside the head if his father’s aim hadn’t wavered. Eren flinched as it hit the wall.

“What the hell are you looking at?” he snapped. “I said I’d take care of it, didn’t I?”

The silence was suffocating as Eren rounded up the stairs. Stalking outside, he’d gone for a lap, his skin tingling and feverish, but he didn’t feel anything close to fatigue. He could’ve done several rounds around the neighborhood, but he didn't want to alarm his mother or Mikasa by staying out too long. 

He sat on the riverbank and hurled rocks across the water's surface until he felt a little less like punching something. He took off his shoes and let his feet slip into the water. Up to his ankles, he watched the water steam around his ankles. If he stayed here long enough, he could evaporate all the water in Shiganshina, but his mother would worry and it was a stupid thing to dream anyway.

“Your mother and I wanted to be sure you were all right.”

Eren bristled. "Fine. Feeling better."

His mother excused herself.

“Did you tell that to Mikasa?” Eren spat. “You scared the hell out of her.”

His father blinked. “No, son. I wasn’t angry at her, or you. I’ve been under a tremendous pressure, with work. But that’s no excuse for how I acted this morning.”

Eren set his jaw.

“I just want you to know,” his father said, “that I’m sorry.”

"OK," Eren said. "I believe you."

His father's smile didn't reach his eyes.

⁂

Staring at the underside of the bunk, Eren tasted iron and salt. His eyes were wet, but he could not place a reason.

At the far end of the barracks, Bertholdt was reciting something under his breath. Eren couldn't make out the words, but he laid still, grounding himself in the cadence until his breathing relaxed.

⁂

His first deployment was over before he had the chance to offer more than a few words of courage to his fellow trainees. Defending the Wall from an inevitable breach. Fifteen and bleeding out on the hot rooftop. The damned Titan that ripped his leg was crawling around.

He’d been shouting at Private Kirschtein, stuffing down his own emotions. Kirschtein, if he survived, would just go to Sina anyway. They’d never speak to each other, or get along out of anything other than necessity.

Anyone would be terrified. Eren shoved down his fear and let it expel as authority. He wasn’t any less afraid, just never gave himself into the luxury of that realization. His allies, half-eaten and screaming for help. The best he could do was lie there, leg serrated and pulsing hot blood onto the roof.

Tiles grinding against bare flesh of his knee as he pushed himself up on what was left. The chinos torn and saturated with blood. Bare muscle met tile but he couldn’t feel much beyond the blood pumping from the open wound.

The leg the Titan chewed off felt heavier than it should. His equilibrium was askew. A dull phantom pain shot up the leg he’d lost. He bent double, unable to accept what his sight was telling him. Bones sprouting out of torn flesh, sheathed in sinew and hemic tissue. The flesh wrapped around the newly formed appendage, raw and pink.

He stared at his naked leg, covered in blood and viscera, as if he’d shoved it inside a cow’s stomach. The skin was raw and flaky around the shape of the bite, chinos torn to match.

High pitched scream cut through the confusion. Eren forced himself to crouch unevenly. He was fortunate the Titan had only eaten away the calf. If he could line up with the building he could shoot across and vault over it.

Racing against time. His own body sluggish. He'd lost a lot of blood, running purely on adrenaline.

"You can't die," Eren shouted. "You and I still have to see what's on the other side of Wall Maria."

Armin looked down at where the leg shouldn’t’ve been. He opened his mouth to say something but the Titan’s jaws closed around Eren leaving only the impression of an anguished scream and his own pounding heart.

Falling into darkness.

Impact with liquid, submerged.

Iron and acid in the back of his throat.

Breaking the surface. Hot, rank air sucked into his burning lungs.

Thick smell of pine and cigarettes overtaken by sweeter stink of rot.

Through the haze of pain the small metal shape dug into his breast, burning an imprint into skin. He could keep himself afloat. He’d been swimming in the river by his house since he was little.

Up to his ankles, his skin steamed against the river's current.

Armin was up there.

His left arm from the elbow down had already reformed itself, the skin raw. Bone and muscle where he'd torn the new-grown flesh of his fingers.

"Do you wish to save them, Armin and Mikasa?"

Naked shin bumped against the carrion beside him. The bottom of the Titan’s stomach, or simply the mass of bodies that came before him, indistinguishable. Titans couldn’t digest what they ate, so they’d just excrete the excess and continue. He'd have to cut his way out. Without his blades, that was close to impossible.

Clawing for purchase on the nearest body in-uniform. The ODM canister snagged on one of the bodies, weighing him down. He fumbled with the belt, already corroded by acid, crumbling apart. Drawing the blade from its scabbard, he plunged it into the slick impenetrable surface above him. Up to the hilt, dragging down with all of his strength. The hilt came back, blade snapped off partway within the holster. Blades were built to slash and discard.

He drove it forwards, blind, stabbing into the same slick meat as if the situation would change. An unrecognizable scream tore from his throat. The hairs on his arms and legs stood up. A flash of light from inside himself, the skin on his regrown fingers torn where he’d clawed over so many fallen comrades.

Syringe piercing flesh. 

A trembulous embrace. Tears stained the boy's cheek.

The body he called up from will alone tore apart its confines. Tall as the clocktower itself, a miasma of blood inhaled and exhumed.

The ones who stumbled around like drunken men, unable to recall themselves. Shambling around the narrow streets in search of prey. Dispatching them was simple when they didn’t have the will to fight back. More clustered in the square, encumbered by their own hunger.

Tiny figures vaulted across rooftops, shouting to each other. Significance of their words fell away from his original imperative.

"You must master this power."

⁂

He’d surely wake up to his final moments on a stretcher, all of his hopes dashed to pieces along with his comrades and missing limbs. Awash in a morphine haze.

Instead, his eyes fell to the darkened ceiling. Three stone walls, a hard mattress beneath him and fresh sheets. Manacles at either wrist. On the opposide side of the iron bars, two guards silhouetted in the torchlight. Now that Eren was looking, they weren’t much older than him.

“Hey,” he said. “Where am I? Where’s Armin?”

“Be quiet,” the first MP said, a fair-haired boy of average height. “Commander Irvin’s requested an audience with you.”

Eren froze. “Commander Irvin?” His brain finally kicked back into gear.

I was in the Titan's stomach, and then—Armin. I heard his voice.

A twinge in his shoulder.

Armin was there. Mikasa, too. They must be alive, still. "Where's Mikasa?" 

“I said quiet,” the boy snapped. “You’re lucky enough to be in a cell and not in front of a firing squad, Titan.”

“Feulner,” said the MP on his right, lanky and dark-haired, “leave him alone.”

Was the mission a success? Are Armin and the others still alive? What's the last thing I remember?

Why are they so afraid of me?

"Did—did they survive? Armin and Mikasa?"

"Yeah," the soldier on the right said. "They're safe. A few others didn't make it. You'll be briefed once the tribunal is over."

Tribunal? What the hell did I do? Where's—

He couldn't move his arms. But the lack of the weight against his breast was tangible. A rising panic clenched his insides.

"The key," he blurted. "Where is it?"

Feulner looked at Freudenberg as if to say, what the hell is he talking about?

"Your personal belongings were collected after you were retrieved from the Titan's body," said Freudenberg carefully. "If you cooperate, you'll receive it and anything else that was on your person."

Eren slumped back against the bed. Bare feet planted on the stone. "You're telling me the truth?"

"Yes."

Feulner scoffed. "He's out of his mind."

"Shut up, Feulner," Freudenberg snapped. "The tribunal will decide what his fate will be." He glanced at Eren. "What's the last thing you remember?"

Eren glanced at his manacled hands. "I was in the Titan's stomach. Then—I did what had to be done, for the sake of my comrades."

Freudenberg averted his eyes first. "All right, Jaeger. I believe you."

#snk #aot #eren jaeger #boris feulner #marlowe freudenberg #armin arlert #mikasa ackermann #grisha jaeger #karla jaeger #attack on titan #shingeki no kyojin #fanfic #fanfiction #canon divergent #multichapter #slow burn #author's undying love for dramatic irony

[rhubarb-pie]

Coincidences are God's way of communicating

Growing up, I didn't have any notion of the idea of God. The first time God was ever mentioned to me was as a child. It was when I grew scared of death. I grew so scared of it that one day I ran to my Dad and he sat me down. He explained that God is everywhere, and we go to Him when we die to join him in heaven.

So, I began thinking everything was God. But I felt like I was playing this game with something. I framed it as 'the sky', because at nighttime I would look up at the stars and wish for things, or tell the stars how happy I am. My Dad would sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star every night for me, so that's what gave me the idea. Sometimes, I'd wish to see someone or something, or wish for help on something, and then it manifests itself right in front of me the next day! It felt like a game.

This was similar to a prayer. Before bed I'd wish upon a star, and ask for things. Some understandably never came true, like me asking to be a pop star like Hannah Montana from Disney Channel. I really liked the movie The Spiderwick Chronicles from Nickelodeon, and I'd ask to see a goblin. The next day, for example, my teacher would talk to me about them. Coincidences like that would occur. This would reaffirm my thinking that the stars, the sky, were listening. Coincidences felt extraordinarily significant to me because it seemed they happened so frequently.

The first time I felt God's presence was when I truly cried out for help. Now mind you, I had very overprotective parents and a very safe childhood, so my cry for help is relative to those circumstances. In the fifth grade I had a math workbook that we used for assignments. I had lost my math book somewhere. After retracing my steps a million times, it seemed, I couldn't find it anywhere. It vanished out of thin air. At least in my fifth grader brain, it did. The anxiety was overwhelming. I needed my math book for the test the next day. I could have asked the teacher for help, sure, but I was scared of punishment. That night, I begged the sky to help me find my math book before the test the next day.

In the morning after crying and begging for my math book back, I went to school with a pit in my stomach. The exam was first thing. Timidly, I sat at my desk until our teacher told everyone to turn to the math book exam pages. I didn't have my math book out, so the teacher approached me. "Where's your book?" he asked. There was a frog in my throat and I couldn't make eye contact. Without any prompting, the girl sitting next to me magically pulls out my math book from her desk. She was my hero. The sky was my hero.

I am unsure how the girl next to me got my work book, considering I always just put my book back into my desk. My desk was very neat and tidy with not a lot in there, so it is difficult for me to lose things. The girl next to me is quite messy. I didn't think she'd even have room for another math book in there.

Sure, there could be a very logical explanation to all of this. I was only 7, after all. However, the feeling of how special this moment was sticks with me. I think it was the first time ever that I could feel God helping me. From this instance on I knew coincidences were God's way of showing me that He is here.

Growing up Secular

My dad grew up Catholic. His family attended church, and he attended Catholic school. When he was in high school he began thinking that the church was a cult, and that it brainwashed people. He always told me that the church just wanted your money, and that they make you think you can buy your way to heaven. To me, it always seemed like he spoke downwards on the people he interacted with. He never spoke ill of God. Ever.

He wanted to raise my siblings and I away from the church, so we could develop our own beliefs.

The first time my Dad explained God to me was when I learned what death was.

I used to collect beetles and cicadas in the summertime. No one told me bugs were gross, or that it was weird to take interest in them. They were creatures in nature, and seemed to be living their own lives. I thought it was cool! Not to mention both of these bugs were a holographic, dark green color. They were beautiful to look at. I suppose the weird part was that I would find them on the ground and put them in jars to collect. They were dead just sitting in jars above the kitchen sink. My mom detested them, but since my dad also used to think bugs were cool growing up, he encouraged the interest. He grew sadder and sadder each year because he saw less and less bugs during the summertime. He said that due to high pesticide use, insect biodiversity decreased. Once I learned that these bugs were dead, and that I was storing their carcasses, I discarded the collection. Still, death did not have any truly negative connotation. It seemed normal, neutral. I thought it just made living things stop moving and breathing.

Growing up, I had gone to more funerals than I had parties or playdates. For some reason there were a lot of deaths in my family. The first time I saw a dead body was at an open casket funeral. It was eerie to see adults cry like that over something not moving. I first noticed death being a bad thing when my both of my grandfathers passed during the same period. Within a similar time frame if I remember correctly. I saw my paternal grandfather die of throat cancer and with Alzheimer's. The hospice was decorated with Christian themed things and crosses. The first time I ever stepped foot in a church was for his funeral. It felt like home, and even though I knew it was sad time, I was happy to be there. Death became sad, but not hopeless.

Then my maternal grandfather was dying of lung cancer, laying ill in the living room of their rowhome. Both were surreal. However, after seeing my mom's family scream and wail like that? Death became scary.

Since then, I started getting odd feelings in the back room of our family home. I felt like I wasn't alone. I would get a sharp fight or flight feeling out of nowhere. Then somewhere in the room I would know something was standing there.

I had thought death was visiting me- that I was going to die. One day the feeling really strong and I became incredibly scared of what death was. I went to my dad while he was in his garage, and he sat me down and explained what death was. He said it was best not to focus on it, and that it is inevitable for every living thing to experience. But that God was here, and we should focus on him. He will bring us to heaven with him. He said that God was everything and everywhere, and that He was love. He was something beyond comprehension. This was the only time in my life thus far that I have heard of my dad speak about God.

The fear of death turned into time anxiety as I grew. I wanted to experience as many things as I possibly could before my time was up. I graduated high school early because it was dictating how I spend my most valuable resource. I was constantly stressed and unhappy because I was doing so much, in such little time.

The fear of death eventually became nihilism, and I didn't fear anything. Nothing had purpose to me. The only time death crossed my mind was when I was gravely depressed, but that's a story for another time. Meaninglessness crept into my heart and I became bitter and cynical. I lived for myself and steam rolled over anyone who got in my way. I took interest in math, science, and engineering. Logic helped fend off unexplained fear.

Later on during college, my heart softened and I learned to appreciate the tiny moments that make life special. I learned to love all of the details that we all have the pleasure to witness. I did yoga nearly everyday and it was a lovely escape for me.

My life was incredibly stressful, since I was juggling so many things at once. My boyfriend at the time helped me find a sense of peace; He taught me to slow down and actually enjoy the moment without fear of the future. He was also involved with yoga, and he loosely practiced Hinduism… he was very interested with an Indian saint. I understood why he felt so drawn to that particular saint, or religion. I desperately wanted that to bring me peace, but it lacked a personal connection. The only profound thing that I thought the saint said was that the 'West needed to follow Christ'. At the time I didn't know who Jesus Christ was.

This is when the coincidences started happening to me again. My heart was open towards learning about who Christ was. Life felt a bit meaningless and I noticed I was living each day on repeat, with nothing that sparked joy. I refused to let myself slip into a depression again, so I forced myself to notice more details. I enticed myself into slowing down, and smelling the roses. The leaves on every tree, the clouds in the sky, and the sounds that my ears were blessed with wherever I go.

This is also when the spooky, fight or flight feelings started happening to me again, in the back room of my house. I had moved into the back room semi-permanently, while I saved up to buy a property, so I slept in there now.

I had been praying to the stars at night again, but this time for an opportunity. I was desperate for an opportunity to do something with my life. I had fallen time and time again living for myself, and yoga wasn't helping. I was ready to finally commit to something greater to myself. Whether it be a family, a community, a job, a mission… anything. I simply prayed for an opportunity.

While I waited and waited for this opportunity, I watched the birds outside my window every morning, as I logged onto work. They all had their routines, and I think they started to notice me too. Many doves, cardinals, blue-jays, chickadees, and woodpeckers flew by. Lots of geese and ducks, too. They felt like friends. I admired them from afar. Then on routine every morning, the two bald eagles that lived in my town started showing up. I had only ever seen them together once before, whilst the national anthem was playing at a track meet, years before. I was surprised to see them, but they too became implemented into my morning routine. After a few weeks, I started to see a bald eagle nearly everywhere I drove. Or I would see a bald eagle figurine in someone's window… or a picture of one on a shirt, out in public… everywhere.

The spooky feelings at night worsened. I had never been scared of the dark before. Now I needed to sleep with a night light. I would wake up at odd times with the fight or flight feeling. I felt like something was standing a few feet away from me watching. Waiting. This wasn't a good and warm feeling, like the one I had when I was at church for the first time, at my paternal grandfather's funeral. This was the feeling I had when I would be around my maternal grandfather's house when he was dying. It felt cold and malicious. The night light only helped so much.

After a few more weeks of sleepless nights, I went to my favorite yoga teacher at the studio I frequented. I didn't believe in energy healing, or anything, but I was desperate for solace. She gave me a reiki session, and told me to pray to the Archangel Saint Michael for protection at night whenever I was feeling scared. During the session I had a vision of two bald eagles flying over the skylight in my room, and I felt like they were my grandmothers. It as an informal, impromptu suggestion. She told me that she would hear her passed grandmom sometimes, so she didn't think I was crazy for getting horrible feelings at night. She got them too, except hers were more comforting. I trusted her and started to pray to Saint Michael. It helped, but not indefinitely. The feelings came back. I started to get used to it lingering.

I googled what bald eagles symbolize, and one interpretation is that they represent wisdom, guidance, and even the nature of Jesus Christ. It was fun to notice they visited me in the mornings. I wanted to focus on the good throughout the day, to fuel me with enough happy thoughts to get through the night. Even if it's just my delusion, I enjoyed their presence.

Out of the blue, I had the sudden urge to solve the murder mystery in my family. My maternal grandmom was an absolute angel, and was the primary reason my mom wasn't left behind when they immigrated to the United States, from China. That is also a story for another time. My grandmom was shot and murdered. Based off of three conversations I had with my family, and the ONLY photo I had of my grandmom, I was able to find the location and region for residence where she was killed. This was further than my uncle was able to get. He went crazy because he was trying to find her killer. All I needed was the 1983 police report stating proof of address, so I could find the landlord records, and maybe a name to go with the culprit. It seemed pretty straightforward to me. I wonder why crimes weren't investigated in Chinatown… The only reason I could not access the police report was because of a handwritten error. His birthday was 4/07, but the police report read 7/07. I think the 4 was mistakenly recorded at the time of the accident. That singular number is the reason I am not still going insane chasing down her murderer. This was not a good month of my life. I felt like the entity that lingered around at night started to come out during the day. Not a good feeling. It always stood 6 feet from the doorway. I think it was tormenting me, or spying on me. Watching and waiting. Eventually, after conversations with my aunts, forgiveness filled my heart, and the incessant need for revenge subsided.

Not long after the Nancy Drew phase, a few weeks later, while I was in the shower, I see hundreds of tiny insects crawling on the ceiling. I don't know how I didn't notice them before. They spawned out of nowhere. At first I was disgusted, but after further inspection, I noticed they were baby praying mantises. The plants in the bathroom are stored outside during the summer, so the eggs must have been incubating from the steam of the shower.

This event was interesting because it was so out of the ordinary. I googled what praying mantises symbolize. They represent piety and prayer, which is good luck… They also represent a message that 'the enemy is near'…

Then, the worst spooky event happened to me. Not even a week later. I was sleeping with the light off for the first time in awhile, and then I suddenly woke up with the fight or flight response. This time, I heard my name. I heard 'Hayley' being whispered through my nose, or the back of my head. Something like that. My heart was racing and I sat right up, and turned on the light. My bed faced away from the door. I felt the need to look over my shoulder. I saw my dad wearing a set of raggedy pajamas, that he used to wear when I was little. I hadn't seen him wear those in years. But, something was off putting, and uncanny. My dad walked in slouched over and in an odd manner. My dad never walks like that. 6 feet from the door, he stopped. He was watching and waiting. His eyes didn't look right. He just stared at me. His eyes weren't his usual, beautiful green color. They were red.

I thought it was the devil.

Immediately I turned away and froze. Over my shoulder again, it was gone. That was not my dad. I didn't sleep that night. I didn't sleep at all for the next few nights. I scrolled on Pinterest until I fell asleep. Dissociating seemed to help distract me from any spooky thoughts or feelings that came up. I only ever pinned outfits. One night my entire feed was flooded with white peacocks. When on earth have I ever pinned a bird on one of my boards? The white peacocks didn't go away, no matter what I searched. Why is my feed flooded with white peacocks? I was terrified. But nothing was more terrifying than my dad, who wasn't my dad, standing 6 feet from the door.

I googled what white peacocks symbolize. White peacocks represent Jesus Christ Himself.

This wasn't enough to convince me of anything, unfortunately. I carried on with sleeping with the lights on.

I was not prepared to see something potentially demonic again. At this point I couldn't figure out why I would decide to conjure something like that up in my head. Even my boyfriend at the time was weirded out. He told me it was just anxiety and to meditate. I had been doing yoga and mediating for 4 years up until that point. I tried that already.

I went to Barnes and Noble, and circled the religion aisle about 15 times before I picked up a Bible. On this same day, my sister had posted a 'joke' on her Instagram story. It was a satanic bible with the caption 'i might buy this'. Absolutely not. Of course I told my parents, and they denounced it. They barred that kind of stuff from the house.

When my sister and I were no longer fighting, we went to Target together. We bounce back even though we are polar opposites. I wanted a new candle for the back room, since I spent most of my time there. I bought the two cheapest candles on sale. When I got home to light them, I wanted to make sure I wasn't lighting any candle that somehow participated in any satanic ritual. I was not prepared to invite any more spooky things back into my life. Well, I never invited any spooky thing into my life. It just happened. The two candles were light purple and dark purple. Google told me that these colored candles were used to represent Jesus Christ, and are used in practice during church.

I know it seems minor, but the feeling I got when I looked up the meaning of the candles made me cry. Another Jesus Christ coincidence? Anyone could tell me that this was a reach. That this was something silly. But at this point I was indeed reaching, and hoping that Jesus did come to save me. I needed Him. I had been hoping for it, and I felt the greatest warm, fuzzy feeling that I had ever felt. I can't get rid of the spooky feeling at night alone. That was the moment I decided I would become Christian. These coincidences put meaning back into my life. Although it was difficult to that point, I no longer felt like I was living for myself. Christ saved me after the devil visited me. I refuse to take that for granted.

#jesus christ #faith in jesus #christianity #christian faith

[adell032]

Lover Boy Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader Warnings: None Prompt: The team meets the girl Rossi and Hotch saved a few years back, little do they know she's Spencers childhood friend (I hate using Y/N so I'm giving her a random name) -------------

"Rossi I'm telling you, I will be fine, I'll have you and Hotch by my side, I can handle the BAU."

"It's not you I'm worried about kiddo, we've already got one genius on the team, now we'll have two!"

You laughed at Rossi, knowing he was just trying to calm both of you down, it was your first day officially working for the BAU, alongside the two men who had saved you 8 years ago. "Audrey, remember, if at any point it feels like too much you can step out, Hotch and I will be right here." "I'm not a little 16 year old anymore, old man, I'm 24, I can do this." "I know you can."

Rossi opened the doors for you, letting you walk in first, Aaron had gave you your credentials and gun yesterday, the rest of the team were at home on their day off, but he had dragged you in to do introductory paperwork. The whole team were waiting for you and Rossi, as you could see them through the glass window, all their backs turned so they couldn't see you, though it looked as if Hotch was giving them a scolding, "he's probably just telling them to be nice, don't worry." Rossi messed your hair up, and you rushed to fix it as Prentiss turned around, quickly tapping JJ on the shoulder as you pushed the door open. The rest of the team turned to you, but you could only focus on one face, "Spencer?"

"You know Spencer?" "You know Audrey?"

The boy genius stood frozen, his mouth opening and closing like a fish before he finally found the courage to speak, "what are you doing here?" His voice cracked as you slowly walked towards him, watching in confusion as he took a step back when you reached out to him, "Spence?"

"I- I can't do this right now." He turned away from you, speeding towards his desk and burying his head in the first book he grabbed, you looked to Rossi, "you didn't tell me he worked here."

"We didn't know that you two knew each other."

"I grew up in Vegas, we went to the same school until he went to college at 14 and I, well you know." Hotch and Rossi nodded, "just give him some time, kiddo." Rossi patted your shoulder, walking off to his own desk as the rest of the team crowded around you.

"I'm Emily, this is JJ, Morgan, and Garcia." Emily pointed to everyone as she said their names, your gaze stopping on Garcia, admiring her clothes, she shrunk back under your stare, "she's so intimidating for a short person." She whispered to Morgan, not very quietly as you had heard her, "sorry, I love your dress, where'd you get it?"

Garcia copied your excitement, "I bought it at this little store in the city, I love your dress, you look like a barbie doll!" You were wearing a long pink dress, pink flats, a white bag and a white blazer, you looked like the lawyer version of barbie if her hair was black. "Thanks! Haley bought me this dress for Christmas, said it suited me perfectly."

"You've met Haley?"

"And Jack," you nodded your head at Morgan, "I spend Christmas and my Birthday with them and Rossi."

"Do you not spend it with your family?"

"My family aren't exactly alive, Morgan. Well except my brother, but we haven't seen him in 7 years really, not since Hotch and Rossi found us. It's weird really, one second he was in our hotel room and the next he was gone, haven't heard from him since." You rambled as you stared at Reid, he looked so much different now, his hair was curly, he no longer wore glasses, he was a lot taller, he was hot.

"Pretty Boy will get over whatever that was soon, I promise."

"Well when your childhood friend who went missing 10 years ago shows up at your workplace, you'd usually be happy they're at least not dead." You mumbled, pushing past the team to walk over to Spencer, staring down at him as he continued ignoring you. "Can we talk?"

Spencer didn't even look up, instead he flipped the page of his book, aggressively, "I know it's weird for me to just show up here Spence, but please." He let out a sigh, putting his book down, "we can talk at the round table."

He walked you to another room, taking a seat at the round table, you left a few empty seats between you, "I didn't just leave, Spence, I promise. I didn't just stop responding to your letters."

"Then what the hell happened Audrey? Because last time I checked friends don't ignore each other."

"My parents were killed, Spence. And whoever did it kidnapped Lucas and I for two years, Rossi and Hotch found us 8 years ago, I wanted to reconnect with you I really did, but for my own safety the BAU brought me here."

Reid looked at you in shock, his face full of guilt, "Audrey.."

"That's not all, Lucas left the hotel room we were staying in 7 years ago and he hasn't come back Spence. None of us have seen, or heard anything, I was staying with either Hotch or Rossi for at least 3 years before I moved out after finishing college. I truly did try to find you, but I guess all I had to do was ask the people I was living with, I'm truly sorry."

Spence stood up from his seat, "and they still haven't caught the guy who did this? He's still out there?" You nodded your head, "I'm sorry for assuming, I shouldn't have, fuck." Reid tripped over a chair leg as he tried to walk towards you, falling on his back with a loud bang, "fuck!"

You let out a laugh, "it's nice to know you're still the same Klutz you were 10 years ago," you walked towards Reid, offering him a hand, he grabbed your hand, acting as if he was pulling himself up before pulling you down on top of him, the two of you face to face.

"Reid?" You whispered, staring at his lips as he licked them,

"Yes?"

"Can I kiss you?"

Before he could answer, Reid's hand made its way to your head, pulling you towards him, your lips connecting in a sweet kiss. It was like you were made for eachother, the way your lips moved together slowly, the kiss getting more and more eager as Spencer slowly sat up, his hand on your waist to steady you.

The room was dark, but the light coming from the door opening startled you both apart, Morgan stood in the doorway, "yeah pretty boy, get it on!" He laughed, wincing when Emily slapped his head, grabbing the door and slowly closing it.

You and Spencer looked away from the door staring at each other in silence for a moment before bursting out laughing, hearing Morgan shouting for Hotch outside the door.

You both were smart enough to stand up, sitting two chairs apart as Hotch and Rossi slammed the door open, "everything alright in here?" Rossi asked slowly as Hotch stared at your faces.

"Yep, just catching up on the last ten years."

"Okay.." The two of the slowly closed the door, and you and Reid listened for the sound of receding footsteps before looking at each other again, laughing quietly when you heard Morgan shouting, "they were making out on top of each other!"

"They said they were catching up, Morgan." You heard Hotch scold him. "Don't believe me? Check the cameras!"

Your face turned red as you stared at the camera in the corner of the room, Reid following your gaze, "we're fucked."

#spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid #bau team #criminal minds #hotchner #childhood memories #dr spencer reid #derek morgan #spencer reid fluff #spencer reid angst #penelope garcia #matthew gray gubler fluff #matthew gray gubler

[bookwyrm35]

My rant about how complicatedly beautiful Locklyle is:

(Disclaimer: this was written at 3 am and I tend to get weirdly poetic in the wee hours. 🤷‍♀️ Just so you know.)

Let us begin with our components of this ship: Lucy Carlyle and Anthony Lockwood. Lucy comes from a home practically devoid of love. Her father is gone, her mother might as well be, and every sister (save possibly Mary) has left her life completely. When she went to London, she was searching stability, shelter and yes, she got that but she also got so much more. She found a family. She found friendship. She found love.

That, in my book is such a vital part of any relationship. Before you are anything else (not more because romance is not above platonic, but simply different), you must have friendship. It might sound cheesy or a little weird but it is true. And it was true for them.

It is important, when analyzing Lockwood and Co. characters, to remeber that Lucy, as much as we love her, is an unrediable narrator. She tells us what she notices and nothing more. As the books go on you can see her dwelling on Lockwood's description, going into more detail of how he looks, how he acts, she even starts to catagorize his smiles. It's slow and she'll never be caught dead admitting it, but you can see how her attraction to him grows and for once I love it. One, because the girl doesn't even notice and two, because it's natural. The pace they move at can be seen by others as miniscule and tortuous, but to me it is right. If there is to be romance, let it be done slowly. Let it be shown at the pace of opening spring and with the steps of shaky feet.

Turning to her counterpart in Lockwood, the first thing I would like to address is his focus. His ambition and drive, though seemingly strictly personal at first, is another vital thing I think plays into the masterpiece that is their relationship. He (for reasons you know if you've read the books) is laser focused on doing his job as an agent and doing it well. His country is plauged by a scourge and he will stop at nothing to alleviate the pain is brings. His whole life since...well, spoilers, has been devoted to fighting the dead, removing their spirits and doing it with flair. But then... along comes this Listener, this girl named Lucy, and everything changes. Suddenly he finds himself with his attention spilt, his once single mindedness gone like it never existed. For the first time in so, so long he thinks about something outside the Problem. This is all speculation, mere drivel on my part, but I truly belive that Lucy changed Lockwood in a way no one else could. She grounds him, gives him a reason to live beyond the next case. She becomes like his sun, a beacon of hope and light he can always turn back to.

I've heard people say that Lockwood fell first but Lucy fell harder. I think that fits. Though we don't see it clearly through Lucy's eyes, from the moment they met, Lockwood would do anything for her. Even when he barely knew her, he gave her his childhood room, a place in his home, his agency and his heart. He never pushed her to talk about her past, never took her Talents for granted, always tried to make sure she felt she belonged. He won't realize until much later, but I think he fell for her before she even accepted the job.

What about Lucy though? Why do people say that she fell harder? I can't say much, don't want to give away anything to those who have yet to read the books, but just know that she would do anything, anything, to keep Lockwood safe. Even if it meant torture and pain and loneliness beyond belief, if she thought it would help him-she would do it. She loves him so much, and she doesn't even realize it.

But does this devotion, the immediate connection make void the point I just made about things needing to be slow? No, because of the ever important detail of their ignorance. It is this inability to make that connection that I find so endearing, even nigh amusing. Anyone else could have told them they love each other, but the fact that they can't see it is delicious to me. It makes them act like fumbling fools, but they're teenagers. What do you expect? Their world is dark and dreary and full of death, but they have each other, and to them that's enough.

I think another reason I love Locklyle is because they never delude themselves into believing they're the only two people on this earth that matter. Never is there a moment where they shut out their friends in favor of being with the other. George (and later a few other characters) are so dear to them, and you never doubt that. Lucy and Lockwood have a special connection, that cannot be denied, but it is never put above thier friendships with others. Like I said before, romance is not more. It is simply different.

#save lockwood and co #bring back lockwood and co #lockwood and co #anthony lockwood #lucy carlyle #locklyle #george karim #renew lockwood and co #DisneyForLockwoodandCo #lockwood and co books

[autisticlancemcclain]

please do tell about these childhood shenanigans /nf

why yes of course. for reference i am the oldest (20) then giosi (18) then hannah (16) then maria (12) then tony (10). most of these are about me and giosi and hannah tho lol bc we were all kids at the same time.

1. when me and giosi and hannah were all very young, our aunt went to disney world. she sent us back postcards. my postcard has princess aurora on it, who was giosi’s favourite, and when i did not give her MY postcard that was addressed to ME when she demanded, she grabbed one of my pigtails and yanked so hard i smacked my head on the floor. i still bring this up and she is still unapologetic (how dare i steal her fave princess)

2. my nonno and nonna were both seamstresses. they had a sewing room in their basement so they could work. we were forbidden to go in alone but as children we would frequently sneak and and play a game called needles, wherein we would see who could slide the most amount of needles through the first layer of skin on our fingers until someone fucked up and made themselves bleed. then we would chase another relative (usually younger) around the house and convince them that we were magnetic aliens who would come for them next

3. all of us were obsessed with making potions. this would frequently be done either outside with leaves and dirt and worms and shit or inside with slime materials. often we would dare each other to taste the potions.

4. hannah used to eat paper as a toddler. none of us know why. she would literally like devour any paper in her vicinity so she couldn’t be left alone with craft supplies. once she ate like nineteen napkins when my mom looked away (giosi and i counted)

5. follow up on the paper thing. this last easter maria very carefully made paper name tags for everyone at the dinner table and arranged them so she wouldn’t have to sit near giosi’s boyfriend (whom she despises), and hannah decided to eat them just to make maria go ballistic. it worked. maria made more name tags in a rage. hannah waited until she turned away to eat them again. hannah’s boyfriend watched this whole thing and is still in love with her somehow. she was sixteen at the time

6. maria and i used to share a room. we had this weird bunk bed that my dad made where my bed was vertical and hers was horizontal. maria used to wake me up by jumping from her bunk onto my poor unsuspecting body. we don’t share a room anymore but occasionally she ventures into my room in the early hours of the morning just to do this

7. when my sisters discovered i was being teased and name-called at school they decided that they would help me by calling me worse names so the names at school hurt my feelings less. they called me jack-e-coli for years. this worked

8. hannah was once angry with me so she stole and hid my favourite book at the time (the hunger games). she denied it when i threw a fit about it. i could never prove it so i gave up. one year later i was messing around in her room and i found my boom THAT SHE FORGOT ABOUT. she laughed herself to tears and i was so mad that i threw her pillow out the window

9. when i was in grade seven and maria was in kindergarten, there was this asshole in my class and on our bus who loved to terrorize us. i beat him up a couple times but it didn’t do much to stop him. once, he got out of class before me, and ran to the kindergarten cage to get to maria before i could. he stole her backpack and taunted her with it. maria, five years old and like three feet tall, simply glared at him, reared back as hard as she could and kicked him in the shins. he collapsed immediately. she yanked her backpack out of his hands and spat on him before running over to me lmfao

10. at our nonno’s funeral me and all four of my siblings gathered away from everyone else (bored) and played poker incorrectly. if you lost you had to take a shot of black coffee or toss back a packet of salt. it was disgusting. it was also funny and to this day i know my nonno would have laughed

11. giosi and hannah used to have this giant chain of elastic bands that they called their ‘bungee chord’. sometimes they would tie their monster high dolls to it and have them bungee jump over the railing. other times they would hang the dolls by execution

12. once they beheaded a doll and decided to hang that doll from my ceiling fan like the little freaks they were and are

13. bonus weirdo story involving my mom. for maria’s sixth birthday she had a dora piñata. i was the last to get a turn wackiness it because i’m a) significantly stronger than anyone else bar my father and b) hugely uncoordinated. the piñata was stubborn as hell and was not bursting open so my mom finally gave me the broomstick and put on my blindfold. i swim full force and felt my stick hit something and felt that something give, but no one made any noise, so i took off my blindfold to see that i had cleanly beheaded poor dora in front of a group of horrified six year olds. my mom laughed herself hoarse and told them to get the candy already. in the middle of the night she snuck into my room and hung the dora head on my closet, which scared the shit out of me when i woke up, but i since i’m autistic i deadass developed an attachment to the head and it stayed on my closet for two years

14. once at a hotel, me and hannah and giosi were awake playing cards while the youngest two were asleep, and then out of nowhere maria shoots straight up out of bed, completely dead asleep, faced us, sighed, and then said “hannah hannah hannah hannah.” then she giggled (STILL DEAD ASLEEP) and then fell back asleep. this was a couple months after the incident at home where she sat straight up in bed, pointed to the dark corner of our room and sighed “nice man over there.” i left her there and slept in the bathtub

15. i only had friends over like one time in grade ten to make gingerbread. halfway through my friends all looked at each other and went upstairs as i was taking stuff out of the oven, u followed them only to see them all losing their entire shit laughing because my seven year old brother was in his room, on his mini drum set, banging the hell out of them with zero rhythm and screaming at the top of his lungs

#i have so so many more #we were raised strangely lol #ask #personal #longpost

[snoozingredpanda]

Okay I need more Benni and her very accepting Darling to have more scenes. This is very good. I enjoy all of this so much.

Thanks for the support :D sorry this is a bit depressing but I kinda needed to get backstory out of the way lol so readers know why she’s the way she is

—

Benni Winters — Promise

GN!Reader

Warnings: Loneliness, depression, PTSD, mentions of SA, neglect and homophobia, swearing

—

• “You won’t ever leave me, right?”

• It was something Benni asked every night. She lay there next to you, a meek look on her beautiful face, staring up at you, her beloved darling.

• “Of course not. I tell you this every day, Ben,” you smile, fingers tracing her lips. “I love you too much to leave you.”

• “But…” She sighs. “What if you find someone better?”

• “There is no one better. You’re everything I could’ve asked for.”

• She lays her head back, staring at the ceiling. “Promise?”

• “I promise,” you reply.

• There’s a silence for a few minutes, neither of you speaking. But you had so many questions.

• “Is everything okay?” You ask after a while. She looks back at you.

• She nods. “Yeah. Why?”

• “You always get like this,” you murmur, brushing some of her brown hair from her eyes. “All… insecure.”

• She shrugs. “Dunno. Got a lot on my mind, I suppose.”

• “Tell me?” You gently pry. “You know everything about me, but I hardly know anything about you.”

• She’s conflicted. Part of her wants to tell you, but the other part wants to keep it locked away.

• “I don’t know where to start.” Her mouth speaks for itself.

• “At the beginning? What was your childhood like?” You smile.

• Benni doesn’t say anything for a few minutes. “Mom and Dad didn’t like me at all.” She started.

• “She always favoured my older sister. I was just an accident. They already had their perfect little princess, and then came along me. I was just a burden to them.”

• She let out a shallow breath. “Juliet was their pride and joy. She could do no wrong in their eyes. I, on the other hand, could do no right.”

• Benni scoffs.

• “My grades were never enough. I was too fat. I was always too ‘scruffy’ and ‘tomboyish.’ They’d say. ‘Don’t dress like that! The neighbours will think you’re one of those gays!’ But when Juliet wore sweatpants she was ‘just having a rest day’.”

• You stroke her cheek, silently telling her it was okay. “I hardly had a friend growing up. People at school always made fun of my name, saying it was a boy’s name. That’s Juliet’s fault too: our parents let her choose it when I was born, and she named me after her favourite book character, Benni the fuckin’ Bunny.”

• You watch her mutter something inaudible, chewing on her lip.

• “I had no one. I had to eat my lunch in the headmaster’s office because I kept on getting beat up by bullies. I was so lonely, no one ever gave me hugs or told me I was doing good. It was awful.”

• She angrily glares into space, but it turned to a frown. “My family was Christian. Like, really, really religious. Church every Sunday, all that stuff. I never really believed in it, but I had to go. It was alright, I guess.”

• You were listening intently, letting her get everything out. She clearly needed this.

• “When I was nine, I think, we went there Easter Sunday to do the usual prayers. During the after party thing I was playing with Juliet in this corridor in the church and then this… guy… appeared. I think he was the graveyard keeper, and we ignored him until he asked us our names.”

• Something about her tone made anticipation boil up in your chest. You were scared for her, despite this being in the past.

• “Juliet was an idiot and told him, and our ages. She was fourteen at the time, she should’ve known better.” Benni bit her lip. “He asked—told her he’d hidden Easter eggs around the church, and she ran off to find them.”

• “…Leaving us alone. H—he…” She didn’t need to finish her sentence.

• You knew.

• “Benni, baby…” You kiss her gently on the lips, seeing she was on the verge of tears. You didn’t blame her, that was a horrid thing to go through. Anger was swelling up inside you. “Did you tell your parents?”

• “Y—yeah. But Juliet said I was l—lying,” she sniffs. “I h—hate her.”

• You hate her too. Her own sister. This world really was something.

• “A—and when I was fifteen I h—had a date with a girl one night and Juliet found out and told our parents and t—they kicked me out. I haven’t seen them s—since.”

• Benni was sobbing by this point. You pull her in, kissing her forehead as she cries into your chest. You don’t know what to say.

• When you asked, you hadn’t expected neglect, sexual abuse and homophobia. No wonder she was so clingy, so obsessive, so unstable. She’d never experienced love before. And when she did, it hit her like a truck.

• She couldn’t control these feelings, she was infatuated. You were the complete opposite of her family, so beautiful, so sweet so accepting. No wonder she fell so hard.

• And her nightmares. You now understood why she babbled about ‘graveyards’ and ‘him’. Poor thing.

• This was the moment you vowed never to leave her. This girl needed your protection. She needed you, and you were going to keep her safe, just like she keeps you safe. You were going to heal her broken mind and be there for her forever.

• “D—don’t leave me!” She begs. “You’re all I have!” She’s grabbing at your shirt, nails digging into your skin. She’s frantic, as if you’re going to turn to dust. “I’m not a bad person, I promise, I promise!”

• “I’m not going to leave you, honey,” you tell her, peppering her face with kisses. “Never. You’re my beautiful Benni,” you smile, tears of your own falling. “You don’t need them. You’ve got me now. I don’t care if you’re a stalker, or if you watch me sleep. You’re my Benni, okay?”

• “Promise?” She hiccups. You wipe her tears.

• “I promise, sweetheart. As long as you want me, I’ll want you, okay? You could kidnap me and I would be happy with you.”

• “M—maybe I’ll take you up on that,” she jokes. You think.

• “Please do. The world is better in your arms.” You kiss her forehead again and again.

• She replies, “Can we stay like this?”

• You pull her in closer. “Of course, baby.”

• “…Can I tell you one more thing?” She whispers.

• “Anything,” you coo.

• “I’m in love with you. I can’t stop falling in love with you. I know we haven’t been together long but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to part from you. It’s scaring me. I can’t stop thinking about you.”

• “Well it’s a good thing I feel the same way,” you laugh. “I’m yours, Benni. Yours and yours only. I love you so, so much, even if you are a little strange. I need you, I love you.”

• You’d never seen her happier.

• This just proved to her you’re the most perfect thing in the world. Her pretty darling.

#oc #yandere #fem oc #oc x reader #x reader #fluff #angst #tw depressing stuff #tw sex assault #yandere x reader #tw depression

[quordleona03]

Not quite a Christmas story

My mother was born in 1935. In 1940, she and her mother went as refugees from WWII to Canada, where my mother spent the next five years in a Catholic boarding school and my grandmother worked in a munitions factory and they saw each other on Sundays. My grandfather was in the navy. After the war, my grandparents had two more children, hated each other, and divorced in 1969 when their youngest child turned 18.

My mother came to Scotland in 1959, taught school for a year, met my father, went back to Canada to get married, and came back to Scotland in 1964. She had three children, and when we were young, she gave us a wonderful childhood with - moments.

At Christmas she would devise each of us a stocking with small presents she had bought through the year, just right as stocking-stuffers, and also always fruit and nuts tucked into the toe. She taught each of us to cook - I have been baking expertly since I was eight years old. She taught each of us to read, and never banned us from reading any of the books that crowded our family home. She gave fantastic birthday parties, and because my birthday falls inside the Christmas holiday season when everybody is partied out, she also used to organise a second party for me elsewhen in the year - at Hallowe'en, or in the summer holidays. She liked to give thoughtful perfect presents but when I made clear my favourite present was a book token and an afternoon in the biggest children's bookshop, that's what she gave me, plus oddments to unwrap so it wasn't just booktoken envelopes to open on the day. She took us to a cottage in the Borders every summer, a 4-room cottage with no electricity, water heated by the fire in the living-room, and we spent golden weeks there.

She got me my first set of adult library cards, two years early, when she realised I had literally run out of books to read in the children's library. She gave me blank lined notebooks for journals, and my first two manual typewriters, and bought me paper and pens. She read aloud to me: The Once And Future King, and Ivanhoe, and The Lord of the Rings.

And then there was a birthday party that was cancelled at the last minute because my mother realised she had left too much undone and couldn't do it: the teacher told the class and told me separately and sent me home early and must have told the children not to tease me about it. There was any number of times I got screamed at for offences I didn't understand at the time (and only sometimes understand now). There was the strange distancing that happened between ten and seventeen, as I became less and less able to fit the mold of the daughter she wanted. I came out to her at seventeen - she was almost the first person I told: and she was horrified, and I lived for the next two years in an atmosphere of unremitting disapproval. The disapproval didn't end when I was 19: I left home.

My mother was homophobic til the day she lost consciousness: she just got better at hiding it over the years. The measure of her love for me is that despite wishing all of her life that I would stop being a lesbian, she never could bring herself to disown me.

My mother dealt with my neurodivergence - I am dysphraxic - by deciding it wasn't real: I spent decades of my life not sure why I was always so clumsy and so kackhanded with anything requiring delicate coordination. She didn't want me dysphraxic any more than she wanted me lesbian.

I found a page in one of her journals, a Christmas fantasy of her family in ten years time: of her oldest child married and with kids, her youngest child married with another kid. I was not in this fantasy: the unsatisfactory daughter.

My mother was a hoarder: it took me months to clear her last home of stuff. I found the teddy bear she'd had since she was five, tucked away in the clutter, and gave it to the undertaker to include in her coffin at the funeral. It seemed to me she should go with one of the things she'd loved and kept in life. My mother hoarded things. She and my father, who died ten months before her, lived in a large flat that was cluttered wall to wall with things - with books, of course, and with food, with clothes she no longer wore, gifts she had never given, inheritances and things picked up in charity shops, the once-useful and the might-be-useful and the someday-useful. And papers. And journals. And spent lottery tickets. She hadn't held down a job since the 1980s, and she had - from her journals - sometimes elaborate fantasies about what she'd do when she won.

We were waiting for the paramedics to take my mother to the hospital after the last bad fall she had, and because it wasn't an emergency they were very late. I made us cocoa and toasted cheese sandwiches in my mother's kitchen, while we were waiting. The last meal I made for her. I can't remember what the first one was, when she first showed me how to cook.

A couple of months later, I invited a couple of volunteers from a soup kitchen/food bank to come over and take what they wanted from the kitchen. I had meant to have it better organised but when they came, they looked at me, and at my mother's kitchen, and one said "You haven't been able to get started on this, have you?" and I said no, and they said "we'll do it". They boxed up everything they could take with them, and sorted the rest into cardboard boxes of what a charity shop would likely take and what should just go to the dump, and somewhere, I hope, some of that hoard of mugs are still in use, being drunk from with hot tea by someone who could really use a cuppa.

My mother died on this day, on 23rd December 2015, and over the years I have dealt with the anniversary of her death in different ways: I've gone on holiday, I've gone swimming, I've gone for a walk, I've gone to see Cats the Movie, I even one year worked a full day at work because Christmas fell on a Sunday and they were offering full hours to anyone who wanted to work the last Friday.

This year, I'm tired and in recovery from COVID. I've made bread, done laundry, done the dishes, had two naps, tried to read a Mira Grant novel, changed the cat litter trays, taken the rubbish out, gone for as long a walk as I could manage, and I'm still sitting here, contemplating my mother's life and death and legacy and wishing for, I don't know what.

My father's life is so much easier: he had a happy childhood, work he loved, a retirement spent writing and walking and caring for his wife. My father's life makes a satisfying story: he wrote some of it down in a memoir for his children.

My mother's life was strange and muddled and broken and full of cluttered things and unfocussed anger and a lot of misery. And yet: I still miss how she would say my name, sudden and joyous, "Oh, it's you!"

#my mother's life #my mother's death #unsatisfactory daughter #loved daughter

[apsarareads]

Palace of Illusions

Oh lord!! It was a very heavy read for me!!The way I cried in the last chapter............. I'm afraid I might spoil.

Last night i decided today I'll end this book, I was determined. I've been reading it since last year September, (yes I'm a very slow reader.) But there were times when the book seemed very depressing to me. I related to Panchali on so many things. Many things that happened in this book went opposite to how I'm told since childhood. Stories about Pandava brothers, about kunti, about drupad and about panchali herself. Maybe because I'm new to this, maybe because I was never really interested in learning of any religion because I thought it stripes us away from our freedom. Idk a lot about my religion or culture and tho I'm learning slowly since at first it was very difficult to trust sites or videos of things and who's speaking of truth. (I'm getting into it with the pace of a sloth.) But well there's progress. I've seen enough drama or heard enough stories to know the main events but after being questioned and humiliated many times for how and why I didn't know English, i decided that, that English held more weight than My own mother tongue! It was definitely beneficial since I was not considered dumb anymore, i could read varied range of books and much more. And I think i became a bit dumb because now my Hindi is very weak.🥹

(Anyways back to the topic)

I've said it many times now but I'll say it again it was verrrryyy different to how I've heard about Mahabharata. And I'll have to go through many of our translated scriptures to know how much I can trust this book but despite everything I loved it, despite the depression it just gave me upon finishing it!

I cried in the last chapter, when it's the end of our MC draupadi, she's slowly withering away looking back on her life and maybe regretting it maybe thinking what was it all for? And suddenly she can hear Krishna from somewhere close. I cried exactly here. (I've said it millions times already actually) Krishna came to comfort her, when she was all alone, in her last moments. And it is definitely fictional because of the few lines. Phew. If I had the physical copy I'd have thrown it across the room, then pick it up and put it back. It was 365 pages of depression. I'm feeling very awkward as to how to describe the characters in here since I'm always told to respect them all. Anyways I finished it around 2:30 am, was sobbing like crazy. Phew i don't cry like that often. 😄i need a happy book now!!

Pictures are not mine and taken from Pinterest!!

#booklr #spilled thoughts #palace of illusions #desi tumblr #desi tag

[emeraldcitynerdfighter]

Carson wandered over to across the street to the comic shop. From what she could tell, the store was empty. Figured, as it was in the middle of a weekday. Carson relaxed, knowing, for a few moments, she wouldn't need to navigate socializing. She could let her body and mind drift. The calm and quiet meandering brought her back to her childhood in Lake Valley, to summer days spent in the library, of interactions with the kind woman at the check-out desk who reminded her of Miss Honey from the Matilda movie. She always had a reverence for books, for stories, for the process of discovering them.

Clance Morgan maintained a steady inventory of comics and graphic novels and companion books to various science fiction and fantasy novels and universes. She also had a shelf that showcased locally published authors and artists; her own series -- The Adventures of Lieutenant Victory -- was a local favorite.

She stopped and perused the section of books for young readers, spending more than a few moments scanning a shelf of board books featuring well-known super heroes. She picked one up, flipping through the stiff pages, wondering if it was too early to --

"Carson, that you?" A familiar, jovial voice called over the stacks.

Despite still being out of Clance's line of sight, Carson bit back a grin, feeling like she got caught with her hand in the cookie jar. She put the board book back on the shelf, and wandered to the back of the store.

Clance sat perched on a stool behind the counter, sketchbook out in front of her, pencil scratching away. She looked up as Carson approached. Carson gave a weak wave in greeting, and Clance slammed her pencil down.

"Can you believe what happened?" Clance cried in indignation. She clicked her tongue in disapproval. "Bunch of miscreants with too much time on their hands. Probably did it on a dare or as one of those internet challenges," Clance shook her head. "If my daughter even thought of doing something that idiotic--"

"Mama!" On cue, a small child -- no more than four, if Carson could remember correctly -- came running out of the back storage room, beaded braids bouncing behind her. She appeared at Clance's side, holding up a piece of paper. "Look what I drawed!"

//

New 'sobe' chapter also went up this week!! There are a few moments in this chapter that have been waiting in the wings for a while, and I'm excited to finally release them into the wild.

Enjoy, All-Star Fruits! Let me know what you think :)

#a league of their own #aloto #save aloto #aloto fic #my writing #gretson #gretson fic