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#but then again i'm here to improve constantly. and an unexamined life isn't worth living as socrates probably thought or smth
bredforloyalty
·
3 years
Text
just watched the bo burnham special. media that makes you want to at least set app timers because suddenly it hurts a lot more, that you're not who you want to be, than it hurt a few hours ago :/
#there's nothing major‚ that's wrong with me
#i am just‚ soooo well-established i swear. i'm doing so good i only pee myself once a day because i can't handle the future as a concept
#we all do that at 18‚ right. it's not special at all it just happens
#so. that's nothing to solve. but then there's the shitty family problem which also can't be solved and that's why it was accepted
#and blocked out!! simple
#i used to cry for hours because i hated myself so much (you all know how it is) and now i'm better :)
#but. i'm not GOOD like i'm not who i feel like i should or could be
#i don't do enough i don't even consume the right media. I'm the fuckin. rat that pushes the pleasure button until they die
#I'm not a hedonist‚ i mean of course i'm not. now i kinda wish i was 🤨 that'd be better
#i want direction
#i don't even know what's important to me. just surviving isn't cutting it anymore!!!!
#not having a Very exciting movie life is obviously not. a problem
#(i used to think it MIGHT be‚ that i'm yearning for teenagerhood that feels exactly like tongue tied by grouplove ghysfhxyhvy)
#(it felt like everyone else my age was out there having fun and having sex and being in relationships and sometimes even falling in love)
#(and then i never got there? didn't even get close? god i hate the kinds of things that bother me in life)
#or have ever bothered me like i genuinely have barely had real problems and i KNOW that
#but then again i'm here to improve constantly. and an unexamined life isn't worth living as socrates probably thought or smth
#i do need to make it better‚ to exist here. do better (even if it's my shitty little problems 🙄)
#and what I've arrived at‚ is that‚ i don't live up to my own rules :/ now i accept myself and all that but i'm not happy
#i mean i AM because that's supposed to be being with what you have. and i'm content i'm not asking for anything
#so maybe that's the problem! i'm not content‚ i just‚ yield
#overall i need more.
#of something‚ for sure - i just don't know what
#i love myself i can forgive myself but i don't LIKE myself. i don't like myself that's it i think
#imagine this post written with a pink glitter gel pen bc i just journaled :)
#thx tumblr for giving me this opportunity‚ thank ME for speaking‚ etc
#kata.txt
#like it helps to get it out so‚ fuck you yes i am pretentious fuck you <3 i love you
#setting those app timers now like a fucking clown. no more everything all of the time
#bo burnham
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