#but the pandemic has done things to me

[bookpdf]

im actually doing pretty well! as long as i don't think about the horrors. or the terrors. or the grief. or anything that has happened, is happening, or might happen

#i think the pandemic permanently fucked up my ability to make & maintain interpersonal relationships 🤪 #which i know on the scale of Things The Pandemic Has Done is like *plays world's smallest violin* #it's just me & my productivity (making things in my hobbies but also Being Good At Job) against the world....

[icewindandboringhorror]

I’m always paranoid of my tumblr being deleted or malfunctioning or something like that someday, so here’s other places to find me/follow me, just in case lol

~ instagram - https://www.instagram.com/lucalicatte/

~ main youtube - https://www.youtube.com/c/LucaLiCatte

~ games/sims youtube - https://www.youtube.com/@cloudycatte

~ facebook page (I rarely use this because I hate facebook but.. it at least allows text posts better than instagram does, so idk maybe I’d use it more if tumblr went away? lol) - https://www.facebook.com/cloudycatteart/

~ Other Links (stuff I don’t use often/isn’t Main enough to list here, like twitter, neopets, other tumblr sideblogs, youtube channels, etc.) are here - http://icewindandboringhorror.tumblr.com/otherlinks )

#An updated version of this since some of the links on the old one are no longer the same lol #I might make a website website one day (not with a custom domain since I'm not paying for that/dont have the money lol #but like a 'my name.weebly.com type thing lol) but I haven't had the time recently. If I ever get around to it I'll update the post and #reblog that version. ANYWAY.. I just like to have one of these written out to reblog every once in a while. During the once ever few months #when poeple are like 'tumblr is failing again! it wont survive!' which has happened like 80 times but I'm still always like :0c what if! #also love the ms paint art done with a mouse ghhj #ANYWAY.. also if you want to see the stinky game I made that's not actually related to my own worldbuilding really (why I have never #posted anything about it publilcy because it's like.. how do I talk about it lol) I have my itch.io linked in the 'other links' page #as well as my General Projects blog. which talks about all the ongoing and upcoming projects I want to do that are #actually set in my world and can give you previews of some of the things I'm working on. Currently resuming my Game after abandoning it #basically for the entire pandemic and a little before that - as mentioned before - so that's OUgh.. in terms of A Lot Of Work #Especially since while kind of 'revamping and updating' I want to add a few features which are mostly easy but every once in a while #I don't understand something and it's like....... hGGhh...... Ironically despite Blogging I just hate talking to people in public open foru #.. I love privacy and security lol.. and I always feel that ONE day I am going to have a question that has not already been asked on a foru #somewhere and I am going to have to post myself and.. no.. I shan't even imagine it.. It's not even really social anxiety it's just like.. #efficiency.. instead of wating like days to get an accurate response and resolve the problem with the general public I would rather just ha #e a one time 30min conversation with an expert and resolve it quickly. PLUS then I also only interact with One stranger instead of Many Of #Them lol.. any 6+ yrs of experience Ren'py experts hmu so I can pay you like $50 to have a single 45min conversation #with me over an insanely simple question and then never talk to you again until a year later when I have a second question. hhjb #ANYWAY.. I still really don't like instagram or it's layout and I never understood how it works like.. if I should be tagging photos or wha #or how you really use it and I just... euGH... stimky.. but it is one of the most popular so I feel obligated to link it. I wish facebook w #sn't such a nasty poo poo because I do actually like the variety of posts you can make and how Pages on facebook operate. In the scense of #it being similar to tumblr that you can make a VARIETy of styles of post. not just Only Post Photos or Only Short Text or Only Video which #is still like.. how the funk does sutff like that even get popular lol.. the Limited nature.. hewwo.. but alas.. and NO way I'm touching #fucking Threads please do not make an account on there and don't let your friends do it and don't let that shit catch on lol. #BUT YEahg... links...... just in case.. i hope tumblr stays aroundin it's current format forever though lol.. #I'm pretty sure even facebook doesn't have audio posts. or tags the way this does. or CHRONOLOGICAL FEED. custom html for pages.. aaaaa

[cinna-bunnie]

bleh

#having a bad morning tbhhhh #i envy the ppl who grew up here :| it's so much easier to make friends when u went to school w ppl and grew up with them #i have been here since 2016 and was just trying to get stability the first 3 years financially/housing-wise. #and when i was Finally ready to start making friends the pandemic happened. #the closest thing I've had to friends were made thru my ex and when we broke up they ghosted me. #to this day i have not made a single genuine friend and i can't articulate how hurtful that is to think about. #and i get excited when i might have a new friend but do the audhd balancing act where i tone myself down so i don't scare them away #but then idk. maybe i just come off as uninteresting or indifferent. idk what the perception of me is bc no one ever tells me anything lol. #i just get ghosted a lot 😭 it's Literally so much easier to find ppl to fuck than it is to find friends. idk why this is so hard but it's #frustrating. everyone has lukewarm interest in me at best and i have so much to offer when I've opened up to someone. #and i can't rly talk w ppl about how I'm feeling. and i can't do anything but keep trying over and over or else i WILL fr have no friends. #it's just. like. I'm not a normal person w normal circumstances and interacting w people who already have a ton of friends and stuff #going on is hard. there's like this burning desire for companionship in u as the person NEEDING it that no one else has #bc they already have it yk? ur just kind of a footnote on everyone's day/week. u don't have that kind of relationship where #u can Just Go Over or just have ppl over. ppl can hang like once a month maybe. i hate it here but also don't want to leave :| #everything is great except trying to make friends. idk i just wanted to vent lol I'm done ranting and might just delete #but this feeling wells up inside me and some days is so hard to ignore 😭 #'i have been here since 2016 and don't have a single genuine Friend' what the fuck 😭😭 #ik that wfh doesn't Help but i wouldn't be able to get anything done in person in my position lol. plus it's less about where ppl are #and more about how relationships (dont) develop past a certain point. #i have someone I've been talking with probs longest out of everyone so far and we're gonna hang this weekend #but I'm also perpetually afraid I'm gonna scare them away or something and be back at square 1 😭 #and idk im afraid that might translate into seeming shy or something and I'd hate for them to lose interest anyways ._. #but idk how much of that is valid vs my brain just being mean to me and paranoid over my other experiences. #anyways... yea thnx for reading if u did. i feel crazy 😮‍💨

[wickershells]

God I am so debilitatingly sad and alone I don’t know how to deal with it all again. Just endlessly miserable

#vent incoming you know the drill. scroll scroll scroll #my periods of silence are getting inescapable i am struggling to hold conversations and see things as they are #i really dont know what to do with myself i feel useless and spent. and i dont want to talk because nothing changes anyway #i cant stop wasting all my years. so much of my youth spent doing nothing being nowhere with no one #i wish i was exaggerating but if you didnt know i developed agoraphobia at 18 (pandemic). it has taken so much from me lol #including pretty much every friendship i had. and what few vestiges of my sanity were left. maybe i should go back on my meds #but how many times am i gonna do that. go off and on and off and on meds #it’s so sad because i’ve done almost nothing with my life and the crushing weight of that causes me to continue to do nothing and i could #break the cycle at any point but i don’t because the pain and guilt of having not broken the cycle and not being worth anything is soooo #exhausting. more than anything i’m exhausted all of the time. but i don’t feel like i deserve to be exhausted because again --almost nothin #i pray to god you guys filter me out by now. now that i have discord again i should do that thing where i vent to myself in a lone channel #being severely mentally ill is so embarrassing like i knowww i knowwwww it’s all in my head. and yet #mine

[samwisefamgee]

The funny thing about constantly telling yourself that things could be worse is that sometimes. They are :)

#youd think the moldy trailer was gonna be rock bottom #but apparently its staying in a basement covered in the dust of a thousand thousand catshits #with the same people who traumatized me over 22 years until I moved into the moldy box in the first place :) #because im STILL dumb enough to believe their promises after decades of betrayal! or more accurately i dont get the choice lol #either way if i dont get outta here fast it is game the fuck over. been too much mental and physical pain for this shit to be worth it #fucked anyway given how much debt and permanent degenerative damage has been done but at least I can live whatever shit years I get left #in relative peace #I mean fuck I used all my fucking energy yesterday doing shit for them instead of taking care of my own stuff and WHY #all I got was get asked over and over to work even fucking harder like what the fuck did I expect #years pass and nothing changes for the better with these people what the fuck #and even if I DO manage to find somwhere to stay with folks who WONT lie to me for years to abuse my labor and psyche #I'll be broken in body and mind and spirit and ill need a job within the week to not fall behind #i still havent gotten on my feet and every attempt to rely on family. no matter who. #was just an excuse for them to use me for all I had for nothing in return #cant exactly find roommates with no money no credit no will to live and 20 problems on top of that that mean I cant pay rent yet #and without any family who wont try to kill me slowly or any friends who arent so fucked themselves they cant help its lookin like #im fucked once again gang #to think i was so fucking close to escaping all of this before the pandemic happened lol. even what I had then just isnt possible anymore #if I hear one more baseless 'things get better with time :)))' I WILL vomit until I choke to death like buddy that just isnt true sometimes #straight up some people are born to eat shit and die. babies get cancer. its been 24 consecutive years of eating it and I aint whistful fam #not anymore at least #keep sayin 'well it could be worse' when its about the worst its been and youre just asking fate to prove you right #only reason Im not completely homeless instead of technically homeless is that folks actually on the streets are much tougher sort than I #gonna jinx this whole fuckin rant but it really is a fuckin joke. i cant live like this but most folk Ive met on the street #would jump the moon just to live in the moldy trailer I got kicked out of let alone a filthy basement. #this COULD be a home I could work and live out of. fellas is it picky to prefer despair over living with people who traumatize you #does that answer change depending on circumstance and time or is there truly no justification in not making your life worth it #or am I really just the pathetic stoner burnout dropout that my folks see me as? I mean categorically yes. #is there any justification redemption or even just comfort to be found in that state considering the Weight that induced it #does it even matter if no other person knows what that Weight has been or for how long its built. if no one ever will know? whats the point

[youregonnabeokkid]

i can’t listen to midnights properly bc calls keep interrupting me and from what i’m hearing i’m hating it but at the same time i know when i’ll have the chance to listen to it properly i’ll have to stare at the ceiling or something

#the worst thing the pandemic has done to me personally is turning me into a swiftie

[mvlkavian]

i for one appreciate ppl can profit off their early access cc and i hope they continue to do it. we live in a really chaotic era where money to get necessities is not even close to being guaranteed and if u can make that on simblr? do it. simblr will die because of ea and their lack of care for sims NOT because some cc creators are getting paid for their work (and ur still getting it for free, if you want).

#i can promise if ppl wanna make cc they will i do not make any money off of what ive done and its ok #i make little silly things when i want and my creativity is fine <3 #JOURNEY TO BATUU CAME OUT IN 2020 #sims has sucked since c*vid weve been given barely anything besdies cottage living since c*vid #cc creators did not kill the community during the pandemic ea did #let me also say im 22 and ivee been in and out of simblr since i was 15/16 #im sure a lot of ppl have and id say we are probably at a bit of a turning point for the community #nyway.

[n0ct0urn1quet]

think i migght acactully drop out of school lmao i cannot do this shit anymore . i was fine a second ago but the thoughts got too strong and so now im Mad

#school doesnt start for another month and im already stressed and i just know that when school does start my mental health is just #going to rapidly decline and im gonna not have energy to do anything anymore n im sjut gonna fucking die #like if im being honest since i stopped going to school last year around like november/december my mental health has been Better #not good and not great but better than it is when im in school and i feel like that says a lot. #idc if dropping out means my entire family disowns me my moms already tired of me not going to school bc ive been struggling since #6th grade and its like. ok. #i might as well just not try #like ill be doing online school this year so not going back to public school but still dude i dont want to #i dont wanna do this shit for another 2 fucking eyars ive struggled enough already i cant Take It #i wanna fuckin move out so bad i dont wanna do this shit no more <3 #evereyones like 'oh i could never drop out of school id ruin my relatinship with my mom' n its like #ok well for me theres no relationship to ruin between us in the first place. she hates me and i hate her n thats just how its gonna be #she already is like ignorant when it comes to school n me being in school so why even fuckin bother this year right #seriously just considering dropping out i really dont wanna do this becauuse doing school is just going to take such a tolll on me and like #i just . dont wanna go through it! im done! the american education system can suck my dick. #i dont even think im gonna graduate at 18. i dont think im gonna graduate ever. i didnt finish 6th grade and completely skipped 7th #i pretty much failed 8th bc my grades went down bc i didnt go to school bc of the whole covid thing n i manually passed but that #doesnt count bc i was already skipping school n didnt do the online classes. i didnt finish 9th bc that was also during like the height of #the pandemic and 10th was just a disaster and on my last day i had pretty much an anxiety attack in my 4th period bc my teacher was #a fucking loser. #so. im just done! im fucking done. #not gonna graduate. oh well.

[magentagalaxies]

overdid it at my improv show last night and now all i can do is lay in bed having blorbo thoughts

#it was my first time performing live comedy in at least a year and oh my god i didn't realize how much i'd missed it #i love doing behind-the-scenes stuff but something about being onstage with no script and the job of entertaining people #i'm like ah yes this is why i want to be a comedian no matter what #i'd done some virtual improv shows since the pandemic but being in person is so much better #my scene partner could just be like ''hey i'm giving you a piggy back now'' and i'd be like ok no follow up questions #i trust you know what you're doing in this scene enough for me to put my entire weight on you (both metaphorically and literally) #also spontaneously transformed from acting as myself to acting as taffy (one of my recurring improv characters) in like 0.5 seconds #and i didn't even know i was going to be doing taffy at this show (neither did my scene partner they just set me up perfectly) #idk if i've talked about taffy before but i love her she was my first major recurring comedic character #her whole thing is she desperately wants to be part of this wealthy family called the van bortels #and comes up with wild schemes to get there such as living in their vents for the entire pandemic #she also has a husband who's a raccoon that is also nonbinary #i love playing taffy bc she was the first character i ever did that was like. oh people enjoy this. oh people REALLY want to see this. #and when i came home from college the first time we did a scene where there was an imposter-taffy that was another cast member #basically doing their own impression of taffy #and it genuinely made me emotional like wow i made such a distinct character that people are doing their own imitations of her #and it's still unmistakably taffy #anyway maybe i should bring taffy out more. i've been focusing a lot on aubrey lately bc ze's my favorite character i do #but i have at least two other characters i developed in improv over the years that people seem to enjoy #(the third is taytay but i legit haven't played taytay since 2020 so i barely remember what she's like)

[cakemoney]

genuinely annoyed that a recession has to come RIGHT when i’m having a real crisis over career directions like seriously? you had all pandemic to tank the economy but NOW is the time?

#laughs awkwardly #i mean obviously i'm in a position of enormous privilege to be having the type of career crises that i'm having #like i very much will survive the recession just fine no matter what options i pursue and i recognize a lot of people cannot say that #but it's ANNOYING. it just feels personal. like right now? this is really the time you chose? you couldn't have done it two years ago? #i still had my mental health and brain cells two years ago dammit. now i'm just making decisions on an empty tank #EDIT: sorry i just want to say that. yes i very much recognize the pandemic did in fact tank the economy #EDIT: that did happen and it sucked for a huge number of people. i'm not trying to imply it didn't i'm just #EDIT: i think this recession's timing does include like a delayed reaction to the pandemic. i don't have a way to say this intelligently #EDIT: but just like. yes the economy became a nightmare due to the pandemic. but due to a combination of government response and #EDIT: ya know. the stock market not being reflective of actual economic conditions. there is a sense that the actual economic consequences #EDIT: of the pandemic has not fully come to fruition yet but NOW it's going to. does this make sense? no it doesn't. #EDIT: don't get business news from me guys. but yes there is a recession and things are going to get worse

[freebooter4ever]

the inevitable finally happened, baseball boy actually said the words 'date' 'the kind where we get dressed up and go out somewhere', and after months of dodging (heh) his hiking/hangout requests i finally got the chance to tell him a 'no' that would make him walk away for good. I hate that this is a pattern that i am now actively fearful of - that guys act friendly only to reveal that the friendlyness was all supposed to lead to something romantic or else they consider the friendship finished.

I also had a moment of realization that i /dont/ need to be friends with everybody - i can say no too. And not just to romance.

There was also an awkward lightbulb moment when i was telling brian what happened and he said something about baseball boy being sexually attracted to me and i almost spit out my noodles in shock like /what/? And i think brian was shocked at my reaction, he was like 'well yeah duh he asked you out'.

But ive never considered myself attractive in that way? Like with hiker boy its 100% our college connection and nostaliga? And with jon it was the goofy artyness and the fact that i knew even more weird music than he did? And the poor Ex it was the fact that i could come up with progressively more and more challenging programming problems in all his time as a TA. The only time a date's ever expressed sexual attraction to me was nick, and even then that was /one/ time and he walked back on it with the whole 'your personality is attractive but you're not attractive like one of those hot girls' speech he gave me that was really entertaining. Anyway this is probably why baseball boy's relentless attempts to get my attention and stay in contact surprised me so much...i didnt think there was anything he could possibly find interesting about me. But apparently he might've just thought i was hot. (???1!!1??!??!????why). He didnt throw insults or say anything mean after i said 'no', so he gets points there at least. But he still made it clear that this was goodbye, simply because i didnt want to date him.

Tldr i think i might just be fully asexual or fucking clueless :/

#I dunno the pandemic has walked back so much of my mental bullshit #Hiker boy pointed it out totally innocently #Back when i was dating nick only a few years after the abusive relathionship #Nick would note how he felt like i didnt like it when he looked at me or watched me #And i really didnt but i didnt even think about it till he pointed it out #And the last time we hung out in his hotel room hiker boy was saying something similar #And its true im back to the phase where i dont like people looking at me #My face is disgusting and ugly and #If i even think about dating all i want to do is shed my entire skin like a dragon so i dont have to deal with any of it #Anyway this whole thing was an anomaly it will not happen again #Journal shit #It doesnt help that i only got like 2 hrs of sleep last night due to a panic attack #Over some shit that has been happening adjacent to the artist house #And i keep having dreams about my alcoholic mother nightmares not dreams #I thought iwas fucking done with that for good

[anotherfallenchild]

WHY ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT PANDEMICS GET ME OUT OF HERE

#swine flu NO #The trauma this just triggered #ABORT MISSION #spn rewatch #hearing Dean say vaccine and virus this is not my beautiful house this is not my beautiful wife #one thing the pandemic has done to me is I don’t ever wanna see it mentioned in my escapism media

[roaringroa]

only 2 more days of this and then i can chill and spend a few days thinking strictly about yuri manga and hay day all day long like god intended

#finishing my semester let's goooo #i say a few days only cause i do have quite a bit of stuff to get done in between this semester and the next #like finish my physical therapy sessions finally get my driver's license #and sit down and really study some things that i didn't properly learn that i should have #but also #next weekend i have this futsal championship and it's gonna be a blast #i don't think we have any serious chances of winning but we'lll do our best #and there's parties every day at the championship so i can't wait to get drunk and make a fool of myself after such stressful few weeks #and afterwards i'll plan my birthday party at the end of june #it's been sooo long since i had a birthday party like my last one was in 7th? grade? #i wanted to do one for my 18th birthday but that was during the pandemic and so was 19th #and my 20th i didn't think about it until it was too close and then i decided to just spend it alone and it was honestly great #like i really enjoyed just going out by myself and treating me to whatever i wanted to do and eat #but this year i want to spend it with friends since i couldn't for however long it's been #and after my birthday there's the nct dream concert to look forward to! #and then going on a trip with my uncle and cousins which is gonna be very fun lmao #my uncle is pretty damn rich and has no spouse or children so he loves to spoil his niees and nephews #like he already took my brothers and i on a 4 day trip to an island here in brazil before and it was so fun #and he decided to do the same for my cousins #but 2 of them are still too young so he's taking the 2 older ones #they're 16 and 18 and haven't really travelled before aside from spending a week or two in a relatives house in another state #but this time it's not a brazilian island but europe???? #and then at the end of last year he asked me if i wanted to go too??? like of course??? #he's paying why would i not go??? lol #he didn't ask my brothers cause they're too busy (one is like 28 lmao the other is in med school) #so yeah these next 2 months are shaping up to be great #and then as soon as they're done i need to find a law internship asap lol #my post

[lesenbyan]

unfortunate and unexpected consequences of the pandemic: using inadequate to borderline offensive metaphors for it in poetry that prove the author either doesn't know what they're talking about or refuses to see the world as more than just X metaphor

#personal; #update: the book I'm talking about is by a former Youth Poet Laureate so I'm even more disappointed in it #like I understand art is subjective and maybe some of it just doesn't translate well into spoken form but like.... #this was bad on a technical level. the metaphor didn't even work #I'm not saying the book or poet bc she's Known and I don't wanna get into a fight or anything #when this is all the work of hers I've consumed #but it was Bad #but- importantly- she's NOT the only one who's done it #the pandemic has churned out a lot of poorly written poetry and prose which isn't a bad thing! #people need to give voice to emotions and bad poetry is still good for the soul #but like.....I expect the shoddy comparisons of the pandemic (and people resisting the limitations) to slavery and such #to end up on the cutting room floor yanno? #but maybe that's me and my 'don't count as a black person' as I've been told multiple times in my life despite being half black

[31n13]

was watching alien for the first time but the crew breaking quarantine despite direct orders from ripley made me so furious i had to stop lol

#the pandemic has done things to me

[neil-gaiman]

hey mr gaiman. i saw that this post got revisited and wanted to address it.

i submitted this ask over a year ago on my old account and it was one of the stupidest things i ever did. it was my first tumblr account. id only been really online for a few weeks. i was 13. i was just coming back to school after a global pandemic.

ive been a fan of good omens for years and a fan of yours for longer. i was brought up reading odd and the frost giants and fortunately the milk, and as i got older i fell in love with your norse mythology book, good omens, snow glass apples, the sleeper and the spindle, and more.

i was excited to see one of my favorite authors on tumblr and tried to come up with the most bold and interesting ask i could think of.

i was rude and misinformed and it was a stupid choice of me to send it in with no thought.

but i got feedback. some in the form of kind suggestions. quite a few in the form of death threats and people telling me to kill myself.

while those specific messages were rude and hateful, the point got across. i educated myself to the best of my abilities, and eventually came back online.

not only did i misuse the term queerbaiting but i also implied that you were not an amazing supporter of the queer community. that’s absolutely incorrect. you’ve done so much for us with activism, representation, and overall kindness.

i wanted to address this ask that got so much attention because despite moving accounts i still feel guilt and shame every time i see it, or even when i interact with any of your posts at all. i need to actually address it.

also, i wanted a proper apology to be made. by no means am i now a saint. but im trying to be more thoughtful about thinking before i speak.

whether or not you decide to make a public response to this, i think ill find some peace knowing you’ve received this. ive needed closure on this for a long time.

im overjoyed and thrilled that season two is so close. thank you for tolerating the dumb questions of pretentious kids and thank you for helping to create a world where we can grow to be better than we were.

First of all, and most importantly, I'm really sorry that people were mean to you. That's awful. And nobody should ever have to deal with death threats or online threats and attacks, let alone a thirteen year old.

And secondly, you do not owe me an apology. I figure I have a Tumblr account, people ask things. Mostly they'll get nice replies, occasionally (normally when I'm being asked the same thing over and over) the replies will be terser. There has to be a certain amount of rough and tumble though, and occasionally I'll grab an ask that represents all of the asks I've had on that subject, and try and reply to all of them. That's what happened to you. I was getting tired of being accused of Queerbaiting for the occasional answer about a Season that was not yet released and about which nobody knew anything. And I needed to tell everyone who was doing this that they had to stop now. You had the misfortune to be the representative of all of the other people.

If you are not making mistakes you are not human and you are not learning anything.

(I wish there was tone of voice on the internet.)

And I think you are growing and learning and will make a fantastic adult.

I really hope you enjoy Season 2 when it drops.

#And I hope as many people are nice and supportive about this post #as were mean about that first one