#but that is distinct from loneliness and that's something else spock recognizes. he is a lonely character

[i-dreamed-i-had-a-son]

Time for another realization spurred on only by Star Trek: just figured out I only know how to make friends in hierarchical contexts

#star trek #guess who this one is about folks guess who made me figure this out that's right spock #bc i was just thinking like--i'm lonely right? pretty solitary person etc. etc. and i worry often about whether that will change #and some days i don't feel like it needs to which is also 'in-character' lol i do actually quite like solitude #but that is distinct from loneliness and that's something else spock recognizes. he is a lonely character #and i was like well why don't i make other friends? and it hit me that i *literally don't know how* #like maybe i used to? freshman year when everyone was new i made some friends but they turned out to be toxic #but now? i've got no clue. except for in a context like the fencing team which has captains and subordinates and responsibilities etc. #aka.........much like the enterprise lol but no really it's a shared committment and responsibility but not something like office work #like i have no clue how to make actual friends in an office context. or in clubs anymore. or anything like that #but bonding gradually with someone over several years bc of shared moments of tension elation and hard work? that i can do #(not @ the t'hy'la bond being hypothesized to form in people who fought alongside each other as brothers of the sword 👀) #so i'm trying to think of how to make other friends and it isn't working and then bam my brain is like 'you know your favorite projectable? #'spock? well yeah he doesn't know how to make friends off the ship when he leaves he just goes 'i can't handle this it's kolinahr time' lol #so he isolates which is exACTLY WHAT I WOULD DO aksksjf and who knows maybe i will but i'm tryna follow his arc be healthy and accept mysel #but anyway so i thought about why spock can't make friends off-ship and it's because he doesn't understand how to just...relate to people #he needs a defined role and something to bring them together and a mutual passion and commitment to a task #THEN he can gradually bond with them. but just interacting with people and letting them in? just trusting some rando? nahh #which is exactly how i do it of course. so in analyzing spock i was like ooh shoot that me. dang #and my only friend('s') as a kid were ALSO from the fencing team but it was also toxic so i became even LESS likely to open up #traumatic childhoods?? just another relatable trait!! anyways yeah spock be out here as a whole fictional character teaching me about mysel #kay has a party in the tags #spock #kay can i just catch my breath for a second #*f twice and also *'