#but suddenly i have to take out a loan bc u didnt read the fine print on the state scholarship saying i wouldnt get aid if i got a private

[lepidopterium]

~

#god please ignore this i just. need to say this somewhere i just need to let this out without anyone seeing it because i dont. i cant carry #this i cant. #she screamed at the top of her lungs to leave her alone. she kept screaming it #she said if the cops showed up one day to tell her ive been killed and chopped into little pieces or raped she wouldn't care #she said she hopes the next time i leave the house that i get runover by a car or a truck #or a train #she said she hopes that tomorrow i end up in a body bag covered in dirt #she said she hopes i never know happiness. that me and the devil are best friends #all because last night i intervened to stop her from her hurting my brother #this morning i was able to check how he was hurt and he has the deep scratches on his back #and now all i was doing was assembling the keyboard stand bc i wanted to practice playing music #im so. tired. im so tired. and so fucking alone. #i wish someone in this house would stand up for me like i do for them. i wish someone cared enough #i wish and i wish and i wish and sometimes a wish will come true #like a scholarship that helps me afford dorming #but suddenly i have to take out a loan bc u didnt read the fine print on the state scholarship saying i wouldnt get aid if i got a private #scholarship. and suddenly a pandemic hits and i have to move back in and the money left over from the scholarship that id used for housing #ends up being for nothing. meaning i didnt even need to take out a loan #and now im back here. now i found out what she'd been doing when i wasnt here #and i cant leave them. not again #and maybe im being overdramatic but she put her hands on me a few days before my birthday #she hates me more than she hates anyone in the world #i don't mind dying. i dont seek it out anymore but i dont mind it. but im scared of her #and its funny bc im an adult now legally so i have no protection #and who was my protection before? the cops? acs? they didnt do anything. just gave her more reasons to hate me #because im the only one who tries to hold her accountable for her actions #im so. tired. im so alone. oh my god im so alone. i cant even begin to put into words how deep this hurt goes #more than a decade of this pain. i cant get rid of this hurt and loneliness. cant wash it off or shake it off. cant kill it off. #im so tired.