#but rn i just want...information.

[inkskinned]

because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.

you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.

you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.

don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.

if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.

you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:

how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!

aren't you happy yet?

#almost wrote the champagne line as ''effervescent'' but legit could not write it without saying ''effervescent like a snail'' #ah tumblr... #writeblr #warm up #idk . having trouble writing rn #ps i don't like to talk about it . it is my medical information. but before you ask. yes this is about being on the spectrum #i really don't like when ppl make my writing about how im [whatever ID]. i want it to ring true for the people who it rings true for #i don't want it to be like ''awwwww look at this person!!! she's the EXCEPTION!!! :)" ..... #no.... not really..... #idk something gross happens whenever i admit to certain conditions and i turn into like inspiration p*rnography #like yes they actually let us use keyboards these days #furthermore i just... dont feel comfortable talking about this part of me. i had too bad of a childhood. adhd is one thing... #this one im like. still coming to terms with. which is like. my own journey. #idk. just please be kind. some things are more private than others. this one feels private to me. #i do not know how to help others w/this . and i do not know how to help myself. i will talk about it if im ever ready. idk if that will #actually ever happen #ty in advance i love u im kissing you we are kissing somewhere on the spectrum

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

a couple scribbles i cleaned up. also i think i like drawing him in varying states of distress

#i desperately want to know what happened the first time he cried #actually is that something he can do? is he capable of it? #i feel like he wouldn't like it... #since crying is messy and we all know he enjoys/values his appearance greatly #i mean cmon. its an involuntary loss of composure. and especially if he doesnt understand what/why its happening #so in my mind rn hed be idk... kinda desperate to stop crying & act fine? #HES SO FASCINATING. WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM <3 #many things probably! #what to do when you're a puppet created as a blank slate while everyone around you already Knows Shit and Understands Feelings #scribble salad #welcome home #welcome home puppet show #welcome home fanart #welcome home wally #wally darling #i know there's a lot of Head Empty jokes abt him #but honestly he gives the vibes of thinking constantly #always absorbing information and considering and learning and Forming Opinions #he LOOKS head empty. but he isnt. #i just cant imagine him never not Thinking #unless he really is head empty in which case. good for him. i support him no matter what. hes just like me<3

[skunkes]

#something he keeps saying lately #also idk how to word this but my stuff almost never looks good when i flip the canvas but aiming for symmetrical too Stiff #i hope my stuff is at least a Good wonky and not a ''dude this looks so bad you just cant tell yet'' wonky... #i want it to look like i made it bad on purpose not like its bad because im just unskilled.... #but it definitely is not ever on purpose or in an informed; breaking the rules ive learned way lol. #<- speaking generally here bc as of rn i dont think this doodle Sucks its just lopsided i think...thats what the canvas flip says at least #i always say this but i wish i cld switch between my perception of my stuff and someone else's perception #i hate feeling so in the dark about my own stuff. i wont even be able to tell if this sucks bad until anywhere from one day to 5 years #from now. ykwim. #a doodley #ok gn ^_^

[silverskye13]

Random question you don’t have to answer, but how far ahead in chapters are you in terms of writing vs what’s posted on AO3? Are you posting the minute you fully finish a chapter, or are you writing chapters in chunks and posting when you can?

Currently posted up to date. I previously had a "buffer" [tried to stay 3 chapters ahead, and post on a weekly/tenday basis] but most recently I had to dismantle my backlog to fix a plot hole, so it's instant posting.

I would like to get a little bit of a buffer again in the future, but the problem with buffers is they give me the chance to go, "Wait this isn't perfect. I should fix this." As opposed to what I usually do, which is, "Oh that could've been cooler. That's fine! I will find a way to integrate this later and/or I will find a way to write around this problem."

[Or alternatively, force myself to let it go, because it's a fanfic and if it isn't perfect, who cares? No one.]

So I don't think I can have more than 1 or 2 chapters written ahead now. Know thy limits and all that.

#rns asks #wooshofficial #if i sound bitter its because i am. i think i was very unreasonable with myself over those chapters. #both my pride and my mental health took chunks out of each other #inside you are two wolves and theyre both pissed youre writing the fanfic wrong etc etc etc #im better now its fine. just wish id handled it better. and now i dont want to - for lack of a better phrase - trust myself with that power #over myself again #its a very strange. awkward. somewhat self aware place to be #ill stop rambling now no one needs this information #anyway bc ive been writing one shots all week i havent actually worked on the next chapter #its got 3k words on it though so theres that

[aha-chuu]

It really frustrates me how HSR chose to dole out information in 1.2. Ofc, mystery is important and good! I don't need to know why Luocha is here or what he's up to, and Blade's past can remain vague rn that's fine.

My issue is Dan Heng/Dan Feng and how poorly they've explained the stakes of that situation.

Like, think about this:

Do Vidyadharas remember their past lives?

If so, how much do they remember?

If not usually, do the elders get that privelage?

If not at all, why are so many characters worried about Dan Heng being a criminal in a past life?

Does Dan Heng specifically remember his past life?

If not, how did he know how to break the seals?

If yes, can he only remember some things?

If he can remember everything, why is he lying about it?

Is he lying??

How do Vidyadhara powers work?

How does Dan Heng have high elder powers if Bailu is the new high elder?

Do the powers usually get passed down through past lives (so Feng -> Heng) or are they picked fresh every hatching rebirth (Feng -> Bailu)?

How did Feng's actions make all vidyadhara weaker?

What were the actual consequences of his actions?

How did Blade stabbing Heng give him the body & powers of Feng but not the memories/personality?

I wanna make it clear: not all of these need answers. But when it's all either poorly explained or straight up unclear, I find myself struggling to care about the dynamics at play. When JY is sad that Heng isn't Feng, should I feel sympathy that he can't let his friend go? Or, like so many characters say, are Heng and Feng much, much closer than Heng ever says? When the Xianzhou characters can't see past the rebirth thing, it implies stuff about the vidyadhara culture that should flip how we see it.

When Heng distances himself from Feng, we don't know if that's a reasonable thing (like, "guy you never met who looks like you committed a crime so ofc you're not responsible"), or if he's being insensitive ("you got blackout drunk and stabbed someone, but you don't remember now so you don't believe you should be held accountable"). There can be a middle ground in there, but what is the morality here? It might be grey, but I could form completely misguided opinions if I consider JY as rude now when Hoyo actually want us to think Heng is the problem.

It's really late but like. I think the 1.2 quest really needed a moment to explain some of the vocab (all that vidyadhara stuff gd) and to outline the characters' understanding of the context. If JY knows that vidyadhara can't remember past lives and knows that Dan Heng is no different, and that he and Feng are essentially different people, then how is any of his behaviour justified? I understand Blade not getting it (he's crazy), but JY is all over the place.

And as I think about it now, Dan Heng must remember being Feng! Like, he opens the seals for one, but he also recognises the Alchemy commission (and that it borders the vidyadhara realm) even though we know he only saw the inside of a cell during his time on the xianzhou as Dan Heng. So if he can remember then he's lying, but that would mean Hoyo really wants us to think he's not and it's like!! This is the sort of thing you kind of need an answer for.

They mention that Feng's rebirth got fucked up. Here's how you deal with confusion while maintaining mystery:

"usually vidyhadara can remember their past lives, but we fucked up this one so idk" "I don't remember" "shit"

"usually vidyhadara can't remember their past lives, but we fucked up this one so idk" "I don't remember" "cool but we can't trust that"

Like, it's also totally likely that this is answered in game. But I've watched multiple playthroughs at this point and most people I've seen don't know what's going on either.

Hoyo dumped a ton of terminology on us, introduced new factions to the enemy roster (and secret behind-the-scenes alliances between pre existing ones) and then said "here's a bunch of lore that the characters will be openly confused and contractadictory about". I'm starting to miss Paimon requiring simple summaries of every lore plot point in order for any dialogue to continue.

#honkai star rail #honkai star rail spoilers #hsr 1.2 #dan heng #dan feng #imbibitor lunae #vidyhadara #some of this probably does have a pre existing concrete in game answer #but if i can't find it #or too much info is conflating #then at a certain point it's like #you don't want the audience to follow along #or you forgot that immersion is not everything when it comes to investment #i would be WAY more invested if i knew wtf was going on #and not in a #reveal the intricate backstory now!! #kinda way #just #please tell me the basic rules of this world so i can have informed opinions #because rn i I just don't know enough to comfortably even say #whether blade or dan heng are in the wrong #or if it's all Feng #or if Feng's crimes were even that bad #or how they affected everything so much!! #I'm frustrated again

[autisticlancemcclain]

i know it’s a stupid thing to whine about and i’m sorry but the low engagement in my fics lately is super bumming me out, plus the wildfires means there’s no sunlight rn and that uh. is generally bad. for my brain. so i’m going to take a break for a bit?? for at least tonight. i need to sort my shit out and do some writing practice to figure out what i’m doing wrong. FRF is definitely still on and queued for tomorrow, and i haven’t decided about wip wednesday yet (not even sure if i’m continuing that bc so far that’s been a flop) so i’ll let y’all know :) be safe and stay healthy everyone i’ll be back soon

#i feel so bad guys i’m sorry #but lately every time i post i feel like i’m failing the peer review and since i am among the most sensitive it bitches you will ever meet #that is going unwell for me #u know that scene in inside. where bo is like yeah so my mental health is kind of at an atl #not atlanta #but all time low? #that’s me rn. #lol #anyways. i’m still going to be writing lots bc writing still makes me feel good #it’s just the posting that makes me want to cry #so. #anyways sorry this is cringe and embarrassing and emotional #i’ll be back either tomorrow or with further information tomorrow #depends on if my seasonal depressed ass sees the sun or not lol you’d be shocked at how fast i spiral #lmao #personal #announcement #?

[blaithnne]

so I’m realising my intense anxiety for Hilda’s third season to come out is PROBABLY an autism thing

#like. it’s been 2 years of it being the same #the fandoms been in the same place and the show has too #and now it’s gonna change and it is giving me so much anxiety #when the special interest is so intense that you feel physically ill at the thought of new content because it’s just so overwhelming #<- that’s not my usual exaggerated ‘I’m so unwell’ thing either like I have layed awake at night feeling #sick LMAO #bc of s3 #which is so frustrating because I’m excited! I love this show! I want more! #but because it’s so important to me. new content is going to have a big effect on me #and I don’t want it too cries #does that make sense? no? sick #it’s either an autism thing or there’s just something wrong with me either way I’d like this feeling to go away please it isn’t fun #hilda #textpost #it’s like I just want it to come out already so I can watch it and know what’s happening cause I hate not knowing what’s going on #i need to have. my information organised #and rn I don’t #and that makes me rlly anxious lolz #like I’m anxious for season 3 in a good excited way #but also in a geniunley bad way #I wish my brain was. normal lo #l #this got more venty than I meant it to sorryblads #might delete later #I’m sad hilda is ending bc it’s over and I don’t want it to be but #also it’s weirdly comforting to know that I don’t have to go through this intense anxiety again #cause I don’t get like this with other fandoms! dr who for example I’m living new content #but for Hilda I geniunkey feel unwell #it’s the same with the idea of there ever being new ducktales content #I care so much that it’s. bad for me lol??

[aro-culture-is]

Aroace + Cluster B PD + autistic culture is realizing how interconnected arophobia and ableism are. And that everyone who calls aros "heartless" or "low empathy", probably pathologizes your orientation(s) and hates on people with personality disorders because they can have low/no empathy.

.

#Anonymous #aro culture is #aro #aromantic #actually aro #actually aromantic #ask #mod phoenix #aroace culture #cluster b pd aro culture #cluster b aro culture #yepppp #we've gotten some Shit over the years of running this blog #tbh it's almost a bit funny how blocking transphobes who suddenly interact with our posts around then mysteriously stops these messages #our system has a pretty wide range of empathy tbh #like i am Not the empathetic one lol #kee is. axel is kinda like... mid-ground? #alexander wants nothing to do with that kind of self examination rn and i respect that #its actually just informed me that it will wake up axel if i don't put the body to bed very promptly oops #so it uh. turns out it is 5am. lmao. #anyways real quick #we had an... acquaintance? ig? in high school who was low/no empathy #don't know which didn't ask. wasn't our business. think they said low at some point but the setting probs wasn't comfortable to say no #and when they and a hyperempathetic person had a conversation working through some past shit where the low empathy person #had hurt the hyperempathetic person #those two worked it out perfectly fine and ended up becoming decently close from what i observed that year #meanwhile their close friends - of supposedly 'normal' empathy - started some shit and got me involved to mediate it #well okay they wanted kee to mediate and declare a winner #instead they caught axel #who was like. hm. this is above my paygrade and it sounds like you may have sent violent internet threats to each other?

[indelicateink]

confused. are the screeners out or not? reports conflict.

because if so, journalistic integrity is kinda dogshit for some folks? did social media on this topic just become unusable for the next FOUR WEEKS while people in the know make reveals like the character spoiler today?

#c’mon i’m okay with low-key spoilers but we have 4 whole ass weeks ahead of us ppl #and i resent like hell that i’ll have to avoid the entire? iwtv tag? to stay unspoiled for potentially major shit bc damn #the lead-up is a big part of the fun? #kitten daddy’s going to be real with you he NEEDS THE SEROTONIN HIT from the deranged vampires bc he is going through The Horrors rn #like point me to the place on the internet where i can celebrate the promos and press and fic and art and interviews without #someone slapping me in the face with their knowledge bomb dick #i was not emotionally prepared for AprilMay to be that weird liminal space where #people like that one person who was perhaps struggling with some mental health issues vowed to the fandom she filmed her character marrying #ldl in s2 #and you have to play a tiresome game of guessing if you’re dealing with troll fever dreams or leaked information neither of which you want #you just want your daily dose of the deranged vampires #i mean if you’re cool with screener spoilers and you’re tagging accordingly god bless but #not everyone’s using the Haha This Is A Screener Spoiler tag #and i’m already tired

[mothfinite]

good meowning everynyan! good news! i actually found a pretty nice expressive pngtuber program that i was experimenting in and i kinda love it :3

#so cupid vtuber model will not be scrapped!!!!!!!! #live2d is just not in the cards for me rn its information Overload adshfkdnfkf id probably commission someone if i wanted to rig them #buttt i dont have money for that so. yknow #pngtuber it is! #꒰ meow.txt ꒱ ☁️

[derpinette]

i miss going to school because i always knew everybody's business but nobody knew mine due to being a huge loser. & it ruled

#now i am still a loser ( well actually this cool bubbly normie girl likes to pull me along with her but it makes me feel bad ) #( also i hate going outside & barely do now because i am having an androphobia flare RN which is to say agoraphobia like i vomit... gay AF #but anyway i also went to small private schools with declining enrollment numbers all my life Well only two one for 13 years #& then i switched to a cheaper one on my senior year. i would lurk & people would be like No worries you can say it it's only nyumie here #or they would tell me directly when nobody would want to talk to them due to drama & then leave & forget me as soon as they could #nobody would ever ask about my business it was so effingg awesome. altho there were rumors i was gay ( completely true ) #the fact that both schools were small made it so that it was easier to know what was happening in most grades #but now IDK ANYTHING EVER even if i were to eavesdrop my faculty is just way too big & i barely even attend anyway +i hate that dump ETC ET #this is so detrimental to my QOL & need to Observe &Lurk my life is so EMPTY & boring i want to know somebody's petty drama #& i KNOW it happens you just have to be in a circle & attend everyday which I CBAAAA. when people pull me aside to hang out i know then #but i want NO INVOLVEMENT !!!! i just want to be in the background leave me alone i already have a girl i can relate & be loyal to #& she dropped out i never thought i actually would but here we are. i just want to acquire information from a distance on a regular basis-_ #the reason why i never hated going to school despite bullying up until like my last year is because well i grew up in my original school #so i was familiar with everyone & everyday there would be something new & funny to discuss with my bestie who lives far away now -_- #i meanwe only really saw eachother at school anyway Man i wish i could GO BACK but not really vut yes but no...

[skitskatdacat63]

Lmfao my mom was getting on me abt not having enough to do this upcoming semester so I decided ah okay I'll add another class. And that's perfectly fine. But the one I picked results in the majority of my schedule being generally unaffected and still lax, but my Thursday being absolutely fucked.

For reference, on every other day I'd spend like less than four hours in class/commuting(anywhere from zero hours to almost four), but Thursday, its almost 9 hours combined 😭 which is like fine with me, but I think ill despise thursdays after this, AND MY BIRTHDAY IS ON A THURSDAY :(

#she doesnt like the fact that im practically free on Fridays #<- online class that doesnt meet on that day #so ah i hope this balances out sjkfkflg #the way scheduling in my school works has such a weird affect #my mon/wens/fri are gonna be so chill and then tues/thurs is just....something #it makes it worse bcs one of my classes only takes place for a section of the semester #and that class is mon/wens so im only gonna be online after that #though i still think ill have to meet w that professor bcs there is in fact reasoning for that class to be so short lasting #but tues and thurs is just stuff that ill never get any reprieve from lol #four classes in one day. we'll see how it goes 🥰🥰 #also thurs will be interesting bcs i will have two classes just abt middle eastern politics #i came across a class on the arab-israeli conflict and wanted to take it bcs its obv very relevant rn #and then the one i just scheduled is also abt middle eastern politics so i really am going to be thru the ringer #not that its a bad thing at all!! i just mean its interesting how relevant this semester will be and how im just getting intensely informed #anyways i think the way i schedule would be a nightmare to anyone else #i try to schedule every class after 12(or 11 at least) so then all of them are crammed right after one another #and i wake up an hour before class and leave myself that meager time to get ready and commute lmfao #my friend asked me when i eat lunch. and im like uh ;;; never? 🥰 #lol dw i do eat but like i treat my time on campus like how can i pack this as densely as possible #i dont like sitting around by my lonesome it makes me depressed dhfkkg #also i think i will actually kms with all the writing im goong to have to do this semester #that is my reasoning to my mom abt why she shouldn't be pissed at my supposed lack of activity #like im taking so much thats emphasized with writing. dont worry i will be in fact budy #*busy #catie.rambling.txt

[toastsnaffler]

okay can we have a new rule that if you're my friend and know I struggle with rsd from adhd + you're planning on hanging out with mutual friends but specifically aren't inviting me for whatever reason. Maybe Don't Tell Me About It

#id just rather not know man. even if I cant go or dont particularly want to im going to get stung by it and it rly sucks #its a TON of extra effort i have to put in to emotionally navigate that information without overreacting and making it an issue #wait actually maybe i do need to sit down with her and explain this more explicitly. bc she probably doesnt rly know abt it #even tho ive mentioned it shes rly terrible at reading ppl and i probably dont let on much abt it anyway bc im used to dealing w it #ugh. but also its rly embarrassing to talk abt and ill have to tread so carefully to make sure it doesnt get misinterpreted. hmm #but itd be worth it if she stopped so. ill give it some thought #it makes me feel so unreal sometimes bc i cant always tell if im justifiably upset or if im 'just overreacting' so i assume the latter- #most of the time to give myself space to work thru the emotion and minimise the damage i might cause if i AM just overreacting #but then sometimes later on i realise that it was justified but its too late to bring it back up and anyway ive worked through it #and idk. theres smth self disrespectful abt it all im tired of making space all the time and never taking any up myself #im not THAT upset rn like this is a v minor thing but still. might be time to start nipping this stuff in the bud #aaanyway #im procrastinating eating bc i cooked a nice meal but now im not in the mood to eat it 😭😭 but i gotta fuel up..... #ill find smth to watch hopefully thatll do the trick #yawns so loud bye for now #.diaries

[azumasoroshi]

oh of course izaya is an oscar wilde fan. he would definitely use this as his bio for his private discord/twitter account

pulls out the importance of being earnest and the picture of dorian gray. time to analyze these from the psychological/literary perspective of izaya lets go baby (he has his own category)

edit check tags and rbs for some actual analysis stuff lmAOo

#izaya orihara #as a lit student and psych student izaya is literally ticking all of my boxes rn #bruh imagine if i made a dorian gray!izaya au. fucking imagine #every time he does something particularly sus he comes home and his image gets older and uglier #it fits too because izaya is like. young adult man. seducer of women. there's absolutely a theme of eternal youth in there #he wants to be young forever so that he can continue flipping through the streets and keep his mind sharp and keep being an informant #he never wants to gain enough wisdom to think 'man this sounds like a bad idea' or 'i'd be better off staying out of this' #im not sure how i would end the au though pff knowing me id just make it shizaya and have either a happy ending or stupidly tragic ending #happy ending: izaya grows a few braincells and starts to find contentment in growth rather than the thrill of stasis #tragic ending (spoilers for dorian gray. whoops): izaya goes insane from seeing his portrait so marred and stabs it and dies #good ending could be ketsu compliant and the picture reverts back to normal after he undergoes the Royal Ass-kicking #hm. ill workshop this more #meanwhile the whole thing with Earnest and the multiple names and stuff sounds like something izaya would to fuck with people #which would just be funny #plus the gay jokes are peak izaya #durarara #starts reading all of oscar wilde's works so i can write more entertaining izaya fanfiction #thats just how it goes babyyyy

[burning-thistles-bt]

whispers you guys darkstripe canonically has a crush on tigerstar---

#and like??? like i guess its not technically wrong #like its like he looks up to tigerstar in every fucking which way #as his mentor. as his dad. as an older brother. as the guy he wants to devote his entire life to. his one true love #literally his brain is just: tigerstar tigerstar tigerstar #think of it like the kid who has a really bad home life and images running away w. their teacher bcus their teacher is nice to them #like its kind of fucked up #this is also part of the reason i do dislike open wikis because im so protective over the information and how people edit #like theres so many little mistakes on the wiki rn and its driving me crazy #and if i start editting them im gonna be here for HOURS #lolling thoughts #bt wiki #darkstripe #spotted is also technically a foster mom since she physically nursed dark as well sometimes #spottedleaf #burning thistles #burning thistles au #tigerstar #tigerclaw #no hate intended either im just really nitpicky #love the work thats been done so far

[hyah-lian]

I have been in program prep hell, and anxiety alley, and today is program day and I'm like Hm Yes. Perfect time to start rewatching that 8+ hour series on the history of antibiotics

#me @ me y r u like this #(answer: bc ive watched it before and medical information is a comfort topic for me) #(learning abt how humans learned how to help other humans and animals survive- and then learning how to do it /better/) #(learning from past mistakes and learning to help more than hurt and yeh. its just so cool) #(also constant tiny little battles of little guys who just want you to survive and live!! you are their whole world and they will help you! #(too cool) #tho i also need to put it down and like. figure out my insulin situation. i am. fully in debt rn. #and my insurance might have blipped so idk if i can even get it