#but part of me feels like a fraud and like im kidding myself

[thepowerisyouth]

Eh mental health is annoying. Buying & cooking cheap low-FODMAP diet is annoying. My best top note for now is I'm using this blog to practice writing. I need more practice in it. I only know business, accounting & economics stuff. Its stupid stuff. Theres too much actual fraud everywhere that its annoying

Also I use mobile so formatting sucks cause Nvidia GPUs, or Arch dont like tumblr site. Or tumblr site dont like tumbkr site

Also also I 100,000% support all my fellow ones-and-zeros and their identity. Everyone is welcome here.

Except transphobes/zionist/long list of others but you get it. I'll help harrass any of those types endlessly if someone wants to tag me, and bring me in on an argument like that friend you call for backup with fights

Im unhinged so who's to say exactly what will end up here but this is also a completely public blog to me friends, family, hell, even acquaintances i dont give a fuc.

Blog should be expected to be roughly as child-friendly as simpsons or bobs burgers. But also boring like a civics/economics lesson sometimes. Yay

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I (and my husband) am ex mormon. Its a weird thing. Look into it if you havent recently. Realllllyyyy look into. Takes time to figure it all out in this fuckin fucked up world.

I just moved a year ago. Didnt watch the US stock market as much as I normally do. Had my first snowstorm 10 weeks ago, that was.. fun to handle while ill prepared. About 6 weeks ago I was hopping back on the market and notice its a huge tech bubble about to pop and all the conditions Ive been warned about my whole career imply this is not good. Just took a little more thinking & digging and I'm a little too confident to stop talking about it now.

(Oh I'm also care-free as fuc so I dont really read or desire to change past posts more than lil-nitpicks. More informative for the reader & myself-in-the-future-reading that way)

And I'm not kidding I do love feedback & questions. Its a very public blog tho so I get that part for sure.

If you search "life story" in my tags I had that pinned for a min Im just moving shit around rn

Being poor sucks. Will write more on that later.

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First of all-- the exact timeline of an "economic shock" is literal insanity. Dont worry about the exact timing of any of this-- just know its doomed to happen soon.

Here are some effects I predict of this upcoming economic downturn

If anyone comes across any sources for these events that support my arguments please feel free to add in comments, reblogs, etc.

This concise list is mainly for my own reference, but it would be great to add to it if any one has something to add!

0.5. US Stock market collapse-- I have no desire to try and predict this one exactly. Too many conspiracies are actually correct about this big guy. Lets just say 7 US Tech stocks are worth 25% of the entire worlds market, roughly. "Too big to fail"-- I believe is the phrase

1. Corporate (slightly later will be residential by extension) real estate crisis: currently way too overvalued. Most of the houses, land, & urban corporate property we see could stand to decrease by about 60-90% from its current price.

2. Bankruptcy crisis: similar to the after-effects of the 70s inflation-- we can expect to see a huge wave of bankruptcies affecting a variety of business: from the micro-self employed; to the small business with leased buildings; to the largest corporations who commit massive accounting fraud & hope to escape accountability in time

3. Bank runs-- there is an extremely high overreliance on the Federal Reserve, who does not have good control over this situation. Once it becomes clear that there is a crisis (we call this a catalyst event)-- bank runs for physical cash are a surety. Hard to say how long a crisis like this might last. I should ask my siblings who lived near the SVB bank crisis hotspot (but those were rich fucks they do their "bank runs" over the phone)

3.5. Global currency collapse, which takes effect in every single local, state, & national economy at slightly different times. This means prices lower. Much lower. But takes time

4. Whatever the fuck the geopolitics is gonna do???. Its weird. You got Russia wanting to invade Europe? (Look at global economic forum 2024) Trump wants to let them. Biden wants to be an establishment corporate ass. North Korea has changed its #1 public enemy to South Korea (dont remember my source but it was a couple months ago). USA is stationing more troops in Taiwan, but probably only because of semiconductor technology?

The scope of our global financial woes are larger than can be explained in any of our lifetimes. Its much, much closer to pre-revolution France or the late 1920s. Big change is coming. Itll be soon

5. More to come

#anti capitalism #economics #geopolitics #real estate #bankruptcy #banks #corporate fucks #pinned post #mental health sucks ball sacks #arch linux #nvidia is a scam bubble like enron #simpsons #bobs burgers #intro post #will change it more later

[caitibugzz]

do you have any insight on dealing with imposter syndrome and feeling like you're lying to yourself?

i had to look up what imposter syndrome meant so i apologize if my advice isn’t that fitting or if it doesn’t help,

i often feel like i’m lying to myself, or that i’m not the person i think i am, or im a different person than how people perceive me, and it’s got even worse once i started to stream.

as for feeling like u don’t know urself and therefore are lying to yourself:

i think a big thing we have to realize is that we are allowed to be different people day to day, changing as you grow up, changing based on your environment, changing when you are with people vs yourself. it’s all normal i promise. we don’t have to categorize ourself as a specific type of person, like a character in a movie with specific characteristics that they don’t very from. we are human, it’s okay to evolve with time and contradict yourself. be introverted AND extroverted. you are allowed to be sensitive and closed off. your allowed to get angry even if you are sweet most of the time. i struggle with trying to act as a character, a show i’m preforming. a persona, if you will. and i try to do this because if i don’t, if i fail to define every part of my personality in a tangible sense, i feel i don’t know myself. humans are meant to be complex.

as for imposter syndrome, there are a lot of different types:

if you are feeling you are unworthy/undeserving of the things you receive; i get it. in school i was in gifted programs but never felt deserving of it. i felt stupid when i saw all the other gifted kids, my grades were bad, the gifted kids called me dumb but all the other kids would call me smart.. i never felt like it. i felt like i knew more about all the things i didn’t know then what i did know. whether it is with school titles or even streaming, i look at everything everyone else has done to get to the position i’m in and i feel like i’m not worthy of it all. why me, i didn’t do anything/enough to deserve this? someone must have got it wrong. be kind to yourself. try and find all your talents, all the sweet parts that make you you. imposter syndrome stems from confidence issues. insecurities. just as you would any issue like it: face your insecurities, realize your talents and utilize them. stop comparing yourself. you have received everything you have for a reason, other people have different paths, that doesn’t mean yours is untrue. don’t hide from your feelings. how you feel you don’t belong or are unworthy, lean into those. feel them, so then you can begin to heal them. don’t let it hold you back. it can be very unmotivating believing you have wrongly gotten far, no matter how much you feel a fraud, keep pursuing what you want, your goals, don’t let anything hold you back. so what if it was all a fluke. use it to your advantage. if all else fails, if you can’t see how deserving you are, make yourself believe it. become what you view as deserving.

and this doesn’t have to be work/school/career related. some people believe they aren’t deserving in general, in life. for the life they now have, the kindness they receive, the people in your life. you must realize the things that have happen to you do not define you. from the moment you were born you were deserving of everything. everything that could make you smile and feel all happy and warm inside. your deserving of it all. because you always have been, and always will be.

if you feel you could always do better, that you need to be best and do it solo otherwise you feel unworthy; i get this too, being born a natural perfectionist at the core but also with my mental issues like my OCD. some days i don’t even brush my teeth, and it’ll be 7pm and i’ll be sitting in bed hating myself for not doing enough, not being enough. in my streaming, when i was at my peak, i felt like i wasn’t funny enough, not deserving of all the views i got, that someone else could have done better with all i’ve received. if you have ever felt like that, or like if you aren’t the best you are nothing. that sometimes your hardest isn’t even enough, and even if you work and receive what you want, you could’ve done better. YOU ARE HUMAN. it is okay to not be perfect. it’s okay to not push yourself all the time, just because you didn’t push yourself to exhaustion doesn’t mean you are any less worthy. it’s okay if you didn’t do “all you could”, it’s okay if you asked for help from people, it’s okay to not do it solo, that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve what comes your way after all that work. sure some people may work harder, good for them! and good for you for doing your own thing! you don’t need to work harder than others to prove your worthiness. you don’t have to be great at everything. don’t burn yourself out. it’s okay to be average! come join us over here at the mediocre club, i promise we are just as worthy of good as anyone else. and you do have talents. for some reason we see talents as something that only other people can have, because if we can do it.. it must not be that impressive, right?

wrong.

trust the judgment of those around you. you earned it, so trust yourself. they aren’t being nice, they are being honest. it’s not luck. you’re not a fake, you’re human.

#imposter syndrome #i feel like an imposter #unworthiness #feeling unworthy #feeling undeserving #mental health #i also didn’t reread this so if it makes no sense don’t come for me

[leejihoonownsmyheart]

DO YOU THINK WOOZI WOULD LISTEN TO AYESHA EROTICA. THIS IS SO RANDOM BUT LIKE WOULD HE???

YOU LIKE EDGING PEOPLE?? man how do you even do it...like i can never tell when someone is close it's kinda frustrating

so if peer pressure is real...could we all collectively peer pressure you into marrying all of us?? i mean you did say you could do the craziest shit... (ok but thank you to peer pressure because we got an amazing dom!yn fic so huzzah)

I THINK HUZZAH SHOULD BE BROUGHT BACK TOO!! yipee, booyah, all white american venacular...

GALLAGHER GIRLS, DOCTOR WHO, AND SUPERNATURAL??? that's actually really..diverse? thats so cool wtf pls tell me more about those shows

I WILL GIVE YOU IDEAS!! as soon as i can think of them..what do you like to write? i'll kinda base off my asks/ideas off of those so you'll have a better writing experience </3

YOUR BRAIN IS NOT MID??? do you think a mid person would bias woozi?? didn't think so 😒😒

IKR??? HOW COULD HE DO THAT 😭😭😭 istg he literally messaged me first and asked to do everything with me and then out of nowhere he just invites someone else to tag along when we hungout??

im sorry that you're feeling stressed rn 😕😕why is everyone mad at you wtf?? i promise you don't sound narcisstic when you talk about it because if it's bothering you, you gotta let people know how you feel!! im glad the blog and a couple friends can help you feel better; ily and hope you feel better!!

-MISSED YOU TOO (🫨 anon)

I literally have never heard of her before (ASIDE FROM THAT ONE VIRAL TIKTOK AUDIO) but listening to one of her songs... I MEAN HE DOES LIKE SEX SONGS.. listening to some song by arianna one time that had me screaming into a pillow... AND HE WRITES GREAT LIKE SELF-CONFIDENT (?) BOPS (Hit... Super...) ITS VERY POSSIBLE I WOULD NOT BE SURPRISED

OKAY IVE ACTUALLY NEVER EDGED ANYONE BEFORE I TALK TO HEAR MYSELF TALK PRETTY OFTEN... I HAVE ALMOST NO ACTUAL SEXUAL EXPERIENCE I JUST ACTIVELY PARTICIPATE IN IN THAT TYPE OF INTERNET CULTURE... I AM A FAKE.. A FRAUD...

i feel like it would be really hard to tell when someone is close...

I would marry all of you??? I am literally ready to get married right now??? Let's go???

there's something to be said about white venicular like... It can be so good and funny to say, I used to love 20s slang. Like Hoover was president... people were drinking giggle juice... that shit was the bee's knees !

GALLAGHER GIRLS IS ACTUALLY A BOOK. A TEEN BOOK ABOUT THIS GIRL CAMMIE WHO GOES TO A SCHOOL gallagher academy! that is a private all-girl's school for spies. The first book is pretty good but in the SECOND book you find out that there is also a all-boy's school called Blackthorne Academy AND YOU MEET MR. ZACHARY GOODE HIMSELF.... bro... the books kinda evolve past silly little teenage drama among spy kids who don't know how to be normal and get more serious but my favorite part about my time in that fandom... is that... in the books there are four main girls: Cammie, Macey, Liz, and Bex and all of them have blackthorne boys that we all shipped them with EXCEPT Macey. She had a different love interest cause she is like the daughter of a politician or... something and so her love interest in the books was kinda a lamo nerd and NO ONE LIKED HIM SO ONE PERSON CREATED ONE OC WHO LITERALLY DOES NOT EXIST IN THE BOOKS AND WE ALL ADOPTED HIM. I think his name was maybe Nick? But completely made up. And we all wrote him the same and everything I miss the good old days....

BUT anyways I won't be crazy about doctor who and supernatural but just know I AM crazy about them... my beautiful amazing hyper-fixations.

Doctor Who, a man who stole a time and space travel machine and ran away to save people across the universe just being eccentric and getting up to all kind's of hijinks? Yes. IMMEDIATE YES. The doctor is so funny and relateable and his character is so heavy it just gets me going

AND SUPERNATURAL I am a dean apologist and destiel shipper till DEATH Destiel was the first gay couple in a show I shipped, but like those first few seasons the horror anthology-esque feel of the show is just so fun

WHEN IT COMES TO FANFICS I LIKE WRITING UHM.... uh wow I don't know actually. Anything that will get two characters into a long-relationship kinda fast. Like fwb to lovers kinda? I am kinda good at writing fwb these days LIKE that's like all I write BUT I CAN WRITE ANYTHING I LOVE REQUESTS THAT ARE A BIT DIFFERENT THAN WHAT I USUALLY DO

BRO WHAT THE FUCK. He's playing you... HES A PLAYER. FORGET HIM. BLOCK HIM (i'm just kidding) but also booo him. Get you someone who will treat you right....

I will not go much into it because my stress is making me a little crazy and I'm being a bit crazy these days but in defense of my friends who are all mad at me it's fair. They're mostly mad because I'm hanging out with three different groups of friends and Groups A and B I've been close to the longest and really judge me for hanging out with Group C but I work with Group C the most now and... idk it's a lot. I'm sick thinking about it...

#BRIE IS NOSY SO IF YOU WANNA KEEP ME UPDATED ON HOW THINGS GOOOO.... #FEEL FREE TO :) #IM EXCITED FOR YOUR REQ/IDEA FOR THE HALLOWEEN FIC #AND DONT FORGET... treat you better... shawn mendes... #ALSO SORRY ABOUT GOING OFF ABOUT GG I HAVE BEEN WANTING TO TALK ABOUT IT FOR A MONTH NOW I MISS THAT SERIES #b: 🫨 anon

[mered1h]

treadmill jaws.

TW: suicidal ideation (metaphorical), gory imagery, crude language

-

You should dig through  My cuts Stained a shiny pink  Like you took your favorite  Lipstick   All over my legs  To remind my body  That im never over, that Im a treadmill jaw  Chewing everybody up  To a stale gum wall  I want you to wash me clean  Cause everybody in this town is  So fuckin mean  Put your fingers all over me  Till i feel like a man  Cause ill lip sync all my words and still be man enough  Im quiet with a punk scene in my brain, so,  Tell me that im tough  While you stick laundry detergent  In my guts  Tell me that im a treadmill jaw; My tongue is so fast moving  And brushburn inducing  A veldt of carpet-taste-buds Its like my lips pucker up to say too much  And say nothing at all  In a dream-scene, my tongue is an underwater-kind-of-silence.     Am i a modern disease or a bubonic plague?  I'm not a narcissist,  Im a fraud               Im not a baby,  Im a god.                                          And cause i know ill lose it all     To the drugs in my head, to my dopamine and  Pudding slimed brain;  A wet sound that hits the pavement  With ideas and  Rebellion                                                                                                 So ill shove these bullet casings                  In my ribs like a sower’s seed  I’ll water it with lethargic blue soap and                                         Sprout quaking aspens; push em’  Right through the skin  Ill be naked  And show off my cuts  Ill be a kid  With skateboard scabs  ill cut off the fat around my hips  In little chicken strips  And my tongue is too loud; churns  out words that cant be heard   But god, i cant stop my fire  Ill shove it in my treadmill jaw Cook it in all my acid  And i wont be a liar, ill really make it silent.  And because i am a poet  Ill serve it for dinner and eat it again  At a big table  The girl ive kissed will watch me eat  With blood in her teeth  So that i know im not the only one with canines  That bleed  pork rines  And girl-parts  Im still naked  my hip dips are raw  And this silent dinner  Chips my tooth on silver forks  And fetus personalities  Shimmering in my stomach  All these calories speak the language of  My red blood and blue veins  Cause now i know what ill eat next My fondant tongue  With poprock taper  My treadmill mouth  And quaking aspen cuts                  Had me  headless in my mulititude of attitudes  Stuck in your teeth  These dogs from hell dont eat flesh or floss sticks  Just menthol cigarettes and  Kitchen knife knicks  I told you I was shaving  My baby hairs at the wrong angle  If they where longer I could make  Them tangle  And because I am a liar I never really stopped  I just picked my hair right out the drain and shoved it in your face  I hold myself like a loose cannon Like mace   And half dried toothpaste  Uncomfortably,  In Absolute,  Comfortably,  In an alopecic  Solute  But things grow back- they always do- because Swiss Army knives  Are infants that you blame on the things that you do   ______     _______    ______     _____________                                           _______    _____                    _________    ____    ___________ ______                              _______      ____                                  _____   __________                  _________              _____                 _______________   ______ (treadmillmouth) I keep a gun in my bed  Cause sometimes i wake up  And my veins are stuck in my teeth  So sometimes i know that i’ll need  To shoot my tongue  To keep my anatomy quiet  And then sometimes  I just shoot my brain cause  Maybe I’m just fucking insane  I keep a gun in my bed  To shoot all the words that ive said  That get me high  Without the mary jane  On my pain  Im not a baby,  Im a god  I’m not a poet, I cant even talk,   I’m a fraud. -Meredith. I am only afraid of nothing in everything.  hi, this is my first post on tumblr so tell me if you like it; thoughts and tips, yk?

#poetry #poems on tumblr #spilled poetry #poetsandwriters #poetscommunity #poetic #poems #my writing #writerscorner #writers and poets #queer pride #poc writer #queer #people of color

[the-valiant-valkyrie]

List 5 things that make you happy, then put this in the ask box for the last 10 people who reblogged something from you. get to know your mutuals and followers! ✨🍄✨ no pressure.

ough.... im going to try not to start waxing poetic so i dont sound lame but this is very hard... not even because i don't have stuff that makes me happy but just bc i dont actively recognize happiness when im in the midst of it bc of how distracted i get. but!! ok

i like motifs in medias i enjoy! i think wigfrid has made me realize this more this past year than i ever have before. musical motifs or reoccurring themes. UGH 😩what CAN'T repetition do, honestly? the goddess of story progression fr

i like tea! having it and making it. this may be obvious because of the don't starve teas i make that i talk about sometimes. but it really eases me down, and its been very helpful waking myself up for my numerous 8:30 AM classes this first year of college.

(my favorite is earl grey with lemon and sugar. i would say my second favorite is chai with creamer and sugar. but there's this diner that i go to with my dad and they have this tea thats like. black tea with oranges and cloves?? and cinnamon? bro it goes hard its so good.)

i like plants and animals! and honestly, sometimes i feel like a bit of a fraud when i say that nowadays... i was always far more infatuated with that stuff as a kid. in modern day its become really hard to dedicate myself to nature with so much stuff to do. i have a lot of friends who know a lot about wildlife, and i'll admit i pale in comparison to their knowledge on the subject. but i've been getting more into solarpunk, and it's been alleviating a lot of the strife that current issues have been putting on me, and it's given me the ability to enjoy nature in a more genuine way than i have in a long time

i like video games! and i know its obvious that i like playing video games, but i'm very happy to report that i really like video games. even from a theoretical or technical perspective. i'm currently pursuing game design, so i would certainly hope i would like video games... but a part of me was always nervous that i wouldn't find what i was looking for in game design. but now i find myself theorizing how to dissect different elements of the games i experience? and breaking down the theory of what makes the games i like fun? and every time i do it gives me such a little thrill. i love video games, and i'm very excited to learn more about them

i like creating! i think i'm very blessed to be able to both write and draw. and though i think my skills have always been imbalanced, i still think its pretty cool that i have the ability to develop both. and im glad that people like my goofy ass art even though i haven't drawn anything legitimate in like. months fr fr

#ask #'i dont wanna start waxing poetic' *talks for twelve hours anyways* #chat get my ass

[tumbllrisdedanyway]

first rant

yesterday my bf broke up with me. mainly because we never had that many contact anyway, we were long distance. well he did try but its more of a one side thing, its me whose in the wrong. idk why i just dont desire that connection. i want to, god help me i really do. i want to want a human connection.

ever since i was a kid i never truly desire social relationship, but i never really knew. i just knew that i didnt have/want what other people have/want. i used to take a note of what my friends talking about to each other because i would have no idea what does people usually talk about. i dont wanna know what other people think and why would anyone wanna know what i think? that was always my thought and it made it difficult to came up with a topic and its even more difficult to connect to people. im always confuse why people in my friend group will have one or two people they're closest to, while im not particularly close with anyone in our friend group. in middle school i was in a 12 people friend group so it was big. naturally some of them will have their own closest friend within the group. but i dont. and it always made me feel excluded. i hate that feeling, i hate it so bad i was confuse why i cant form a deep connection to them.

i never think much about whats the actual problem, i was too focused on trying not to seem excluded, or try to seem unbothered when all i can do in a conversation is laugh because i cant jump into the conversation since i dont know what to say. i think it was pride that made me so afraid that people will see that im different.

in high school, that pride was already deep rooted within me, i refuse to look like an anomaly, weak. and its not helping that i went to a boarding school (for context, we had a housing system like in harry potter) i took on important roles, because in my head, you cant exclude the leader of the house, right? i was always so anxious cause now that im the leader, i fear more and more of being found out i was actually an anomaly. i always excuse myself that as a leader, it was normal for me not to be close to anyone in particular in my house. i was the leader so i should be just and fair. if i were to have a close friend in my house, i could be favoring them. that was the image that i build in my head.

in middle school i never had any close friend, any connection, and tried so hard to seem unbothered. i was a fraud. i never get a chance to figure out why before i painted this image in high school that i dont have deep connections with my friend is because i chose to be, not because i cant. and since i already took on such important part (in my head), my pride grew. and it didnt help that in boarding school, that if you were the leader of the house, you took on this parental role for your house member. it confirmed my image harder, the image that i choose not to be close to anyone is because i have to be fair to everyone.

high school ended and my mom got sick, when every other peer in my high school went on to college, i stayed behind and took care of her. since i never had any real friends, i never actually knew what they were thinking about me. i was again an anomaly, my fear of them seeing me as a failure grew bigger and bigger, eventually i cut all of my friend peers in high school.

a year went by, i eventually wen to college. in college i brought that parental-leader-of-the-house-mentality with me since at first it feels like another dorm life. but no i was wrong.

and rn im sleepy so im gonna go to sleep now

[hermindlessthoughts]

Jealousy Jealousy Jealousy

1. Let’s make this clear, OLIVIA RODRIGO STANS ONLY no slander will be tolerated here. 

2. I swear im not some crazed high schooler lmfaooo believe it or not im in college.

Anyway... Back to the point 

“Co-comparison is killing me slowly. I think I think too much about kids who don’t know me I’m so sick of myself, rather be , rather be anyone anyone  else, my jealousy jealousy.”  God I fucking love this song.

This song describes me in every which way you could think of. I’m so fucking sick of my brain constantly comparing myself to others, and wanting what other people have. The constant anxiety and feeling like im inadequate. Imposter syndrome, self loathing, wallowing in self pity, you name I fucking got it. It makes me dread everything. SICKENING. It’s funny because I used to love saying all the time in high school “ha OmG GuYs i DonT gEt JeAlouS heehee ha ha”. It’s screaming “pick me im quirky and different”. YUCK. 

But no in all reality I would get jealous, SCRATCH THAT I DO get jealous. Let’s be clear tho and not mix up jealousy and envy.

Envy Is desiring what someone else has, or desiring something that is not yours. It often leads to spite and resentment at the success of another person.

Jealousy on the other hand, is an emotion that typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something. Jealousy is a form of hatred built upon insecurity.

Anyway that being said... I AM SO SICK OF MYSELF. I wish i could be the person I wanna be without my anxiety spewing into everything. I just want peace of mind, serenity, quietness, you know for my brain to just SHUT THE FUCK UP. 

Im jealous of people who dont give a shit what others think.

im jealous of people who can dance.

Im jealous of people who are naturally confident.

im jealous of people who are naturally beautiful.

im jealous of people who are skinny.

Im jealous of people who are “cool” (whatever cool means), or “popular”.

Im jealous of people who make friends so easily.

Im jealous of people who are naturally funny.

THIS LIST COULD GO ON AND ON BUT IM REALLY TRYING TO HOLD MYSELF AND MY SANITY. It’s crazy how the things i’m jealous of make me feel like it determines my value to other people.

I do think too much about kids who don’t know me. Whether or not people actually like me or do they all hate me like I think they do. Do they think that im cool enough just like other people i’ve seen?  I get jealous of those who are more like the character i’ve built for myself in head. The girl who is cooler, more adventurous, confident, the girl everyone likes but doesn't give a fuck. Which then leads me into this endless cycle of adopting personalities/characteristics that I think people will like. I adopt them thinking that this is who I am but in the end i feel like i dont know who i am. After each succession i feel hollow. I am empty. I dont know what makes me, me, or what i want because my whole personality is a lie. I am a fraud who hates herself the most lmao. No one will like me if i’m not playing the part that i think i should be playing. There is so much weight on my back but I cant seem to let it go. I feel like im drowning. Jealousy makes life so fuckin miserable. 

“All your friends are so cool, you go out every night In your daddy's nice car, yeah, you're livin' the life Got a pretty face, pretty boyfriend, too I wanna be you so bad, and I don't even know you All I see is what I should be Happier, prettier, jealousy, jealousy All I see is what I should be I'm losin' it, all I get's, jealousy, jealousy”

All this comparison is really killing me slowly. 

#juststopthinking

[grvntld]

good morning 🌞 kanina pa ko gising at kanina pa rin ako nag-iisip kung cookies + milo ba talaga kakainin ko for breakfast. dapat kasi last night ako magmmilo, but then i got sleepy + i reached my at-least-three-articles-every-day quota already, so ayorn, chika ko lang.

anyway, i paid my first ever credit card billing just a few minutes ago and it still feels weird to me that i have these kinds of ~responsibilities~ already as if im a child. i just rlly cant stop myself from feeling like a joke of an adult. lmao. idekw, i just rlly feel like a ~fraud~ or smthng sometimes, like "yo, aina, u dont rlly know what u r doing, huh?" but then another part of me would say, "who does? stfu", so yeah i rlly am my worst enemy but also, i super love myself so like wuht ???

so yeah, there we have it. apparently, im not having cookies + milo for breakfast, bc im having a rather tasteless existential crisis of some sort. just kidding! have fun and take care today~

#donut

[23catslater]

I wonder if you think of me 

if you hear my voice telling you to please 

please stop

I wonder if you’ll be found out 

I wonder if it will come up 

How you treated me 

How you talked to me 

Will they ask? 

If you hit me? 

Controlled me? 

Forced me? 

Will they ask? 

Will they care?

Will they please just ask?

Will you do it again? 

I wonder if you think of me 

If you feel the guilt 

The guilt I feel when I look back 

Have I taken on the blame for us both? 

You said neither of us were victims. 

What does that make me? 

Not a survivor. 

Not innocent. 

What does that make me? 

What does that make you?

Did I drive you to say those things?

Do those things? 

Did I push you to the limit? 

Would anybody have responded like you did? 

Would anybody have slapped me? Mocked me? Called me names? 

Chased me? Confined me? Forced me? 

Could I have said no? 

What would you have done?  

I wonder what you would have done. 

I wonder what you would do if I told. 

I wonder what you would do to me. 

I wonder what you would do to yourself. 

Fear. All the time fear. 

Wondering what I would do. 

Wondering if I would be stuck forever. 

Wondering if I would ever be treated better. 

If I could ever deserve anything more. 

Wondering whose fault this was. Whose fault this is.

Was it my mothers who never displayed an ounce of self love and respect?

Was it my father who only saw things in black and white? 

Was it my sister who blamed victims therefor blaming herself. Not believing victims therefor not believing herself. 

Is it society? Telling me that only naive, weak, desperate women get caught up in a mess like this? 

Was it me? Did I want attention? Did I crave drama? Did I enjoy it? 

Was it you? You. Was it you? 

Was it your family? Telling me I was sensitive. Telling me to come back. Begging me to come back. Begging me to forgive you.

Was it you? Was it me? 

Me. 

Awkward… deceptive… crazy…. jealous

Me. 

Stupid, weak, a blob 

Me

Irresponsible, cruel, ugly when I cry

But that is not who I am That is who I am to you 

You never saw me dance because you never let me dance 

You never saw me smile because you only accepted the happiness I got from you as valid

And that was not real 

You never saw me be myself 

You didn’t know how strong I was because you didn’t know how hard it was to survive you every day 

To take your beating, you words, your cruelty, and soldier on 

Continue breathing 

Continue laughing 

Continue living 

You found someone with potential 

Potential to be the perfect human for you

You didn’t see me for me 

You saw me for who I wasn’t

You saw me for who I could be 

You saw me for what I could do for you 

Who I could be in your life 

You thought you deserved the best 

And that’s not what I was but what I could be 

For you 

Im sad

Im sad every day thinking of how you treated me 

Hearing the words you put in my head 

Every single day Im sad because you stole parts of me 

You replaced them with parts of you 

Im sad because I didn’t think I deserved anything better 

Im sad because I still don’t know that I do 

Im sad because I still think it’s my fault 

Im sad because nobody will ever understand 

Im sad 

Im sad

Im sad because no one will ever hear these words because ill never think they are good enough 

Im sad because ill never think I’m capable of being something great 

Doing something great 

I don’t think ill ever be able 

You tried to help me 

You beat me down and you tried to help me up 

You helped me crawl and you helped me walk but you would not let me skip

You made me run but you would not let me dance 

You made me cum but only once a year and I owed you for it 

You were a god for it 

You felt like a god 

You’re a doctor now 

Good for you 

You can help people 

All while reminding them they aren’t worthy of your help 

But you’ll help them anyway 

Because you’re a god 

You’re a man

You’re a man of your word 

You said you’d do it and you did it 

You said you’d be it and you are it 

So why can’t I be 

A woman of my word 

A woman you does things she says she’d do

Makes dreams a reality 

Be’s things she said she’d be 

What does that make me? 

A liar? 

A fraud? 

A failure? 

What does that make you? 

An honest, successful man. 

A god. 

You help people

You make people laugh

You volunteer your time 

You work hard

You couldn’t possibly be monster 

You couldn’t hurt a fly 

Not unless you were pushed to do it 

Forced to do it 

Not unless she made you 

Not unless I made you 

I left you crazy voicemails 

I got jealous when you hung out with your friends 

I cried to manipulate you 

I lied to keep you 

I turned you into a monster 

Did I deserve it? 

Was it my fault? 

I drove you to madness 

That is what I believe 

Deep in my heart that is what I believe 

What do you believe? 

Do you believe that I am evil? 

Manipulative? 

The reason for all your problems for all your abuse? 

Do you believe that you were a victim? 

That neither of us were a victim? 

Just two immature kids in a relationship? 

Do you really believe that? 

Do you?

Just babies 

Ruining each other 

Driving each other to madness 

Neither victims 

Just two kids 

I used to think I was sweet 

I used to think I was good 

Nice 

Genuine 

Not anymore 

I used to think I was wise 

Talented 

Special 

I used to believe I was special 

Made for great things 

To spread love 

Happiness 

Not anymore 

Now I pretend 

I pretend to be good 

I pretend to be sane 

I pretend to be funny 

I pretend to be smart 

I pretend to be caring 

loving 

understanding 

empathetic 

I pretend to give a shit about what any of you are saying 

what any of you are going through 

what any of you are feeling 

I don't 

I couldn’t possibly 

I couldn’t possibly be good 

be caring 

loving 

understanding 

Not this selfish soul

Not my selfish soul 

Not possibly 

At least I know now 

Now I know 

So I can pretend 

#poetry #novice #abuse

[tiffgeorgina]

what did you think of the new episode???

OH LORD i had a lotttt of thoughts on this episode, understandably. CONTENT WARNING FOR DISCUSSIONS OF SUICIDE AT THE VERY BOTTOM OF THIS POST (it’s a long paragraph). also obviously spoiler warning for 2x08.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255

please reach out to somebody if you’re feeling distressed after this episode, or if you or a loved one is considering self harm or suicide. im always here if you need somebody to vent or talk to. i love you all and i would be devastated if anything happened to any of you. 

anyways, episode discussion below:

-first of all, the corgina scene at the very beginning was PRICELESS. tiff and corkie had it DOWN until tiff lost her cool. i was DYING. casey wilson invented the word “fuck.”

-marcus/dawn and connie/mo double date. this whole scene had me CACKLING. marcus being such a comrade was not at all what i expected. the three-on-one connie smackdown i could not BREATHE. also includes classic moments such as “we’re doing black shit right now keith” and regina stealing every scene she’s in. also WOMEN xosha roquemore (connie) in dark lipstick is the best part of s2 prove me wrong

-also kind of out of order but dawn calling mo her best friend did not sit right... like in my soul. it’s like inherently wrong. so STRANGE to hear her say that.

-but connie sucks at being subtle lmfao dawn was not having any of that 

-“i can’t vote. im a felon” just out of nowhere GOD. and the fact that that’s the first time dawn’s learning that mo went to prison is fucked up. i’ve never seen a woman want a man to shut up so badly, and i’ve never been so glad that said man did not shut up lmfao

-tiff and blair’s apartment looks so good yes god!! also this season keeps referencing blair’s parents and it’s kind of putting me on edge. especially since next episode is “blair [being] forced to revisit his past.” on another note, andrew’s voice in this scene is SO FUNNY. you can tell he’s a voice actor i think

-also like we knew blair was into older men but now we like know lmfao. the richard gere jokes had LAYERS these writers outsold

-ok blair&tiff’s relationship... yikes. i cannot tell what the writers want their relationship to be. are they unhealthy and toxic and bad to each other? or are they platonic soulmates and life partners? make up your MIND, showtime.

-DON’T INFANTILIZE THE CUP BYE KJDFHGDFKJ

-first blarris scene was TENSE. acting good

-the confirmation that roger has kids... i mean i suspected it from the moment tuc’s character was announced in september but it makes the ending so much more painful. i KNOW that’s the only reason why they pushed the fact that the harrises are parents in this episode, bc it was never confirmed earlier.

-i hate how funny michael hitchcock is. im trying to hate newell but im laughing. why are his lines so funny who wrote this. 

-the sound design in this episode was a lot to take in. the music was intense asf and it stays intense throughout the whole ep

-keith cracking onto blair and trying to reconcile with him bc he’s feeling empathetic but blair shutting him down... can’t say keith doesn’t deserve it but i would’ve loved to have seen keith and blair just talk about being closeted and having affairs and shit.

-THE TRUMP CHILDREN LMFAOOOO they all look so smug the casting was great this ep

-mo shit talking connie TO HER FACE bc he knows connie can’t give up the act... fucking priceless i love to see it acab

-dawnroe physical contact hhhhh can you tell im rewatching this ep as i type this

-the wording on the “you’re with the FBI?” line is so perfect. bc it makes it totally sound like dawn’s onto mo and connie when really she’s just like “you’re siding with the FBI bitch?” highkey genius line

-posted this too early by accident oops. im still editing im not done yet lmfao

-MARCUS MO AND DAWN SAID ACAB FUCK YES

-ROGER GRABBING BLAIR’S HAND I AM ASCENDING. i knew about the hand holding scene there but i didn’t think roger would initiate it <3

-roger nearly kissing blair :’/

-LORD the trump children are little shits god

-daddy says it makes me look hot. you mean cute? ...no.

-oh GOD not this blarris scene. i like to believe that a gay person generally wouldn’t threaten to out another gay person on principle, but blair has shown how shitty of a person he's become all season. i hate it and it’s still ooc but i’ve seen worse on this show tbh.

-roger’s got a point, if he supports his campaign fund manager right off the bat, he’ll look like a total fraud and his career will be over. the fact that blair barely gives a shit really speaks to what his character has become. “fuck them” what a classic line

-ANDREW’S ACTING!!! his voice when he says “you use me” ugh i felt that in my chest. plus roger looking away after he says that... i mean god this cast is so talented

-blair snapping god. he’s got a point, he and roger have been dysfunctional asf all season. doesn’t justify threatening to out somebody AT ALL but finally hearing some emotion out of blair, a little bit of anger and frustration, it’s refreshing.

-does “who are you, blair?” count as a parallel to “who are you, pfaff?” from 1x01?

-blair outing roger to newell... yikes. again ooc and bad. blair’s a shitty guy but we’ve seen him have empathy before, even in s2. why would they make him do this i don’t get it.

-keith finding out about lenny is good. maybe something will finally come of this arc?

-parallel to 2x02 with blair mentioning his mom’s phrase, cool. probably gearing us up for more references to his parents next ep, culminating in a flashback to his childhood in 2x10.

-this scene where the trump kids are destroying everything is classic. you can genuinely tell that everybody there was having so much fun shooting that. idk, it’s nice.

-trump reveal HA what a great end to that scene

-keith coming by and fucking everything up... i mean i guess everybody KNOWS now. dawn/marcus is over (good) and dawn is probably right pissed at mo rn. but hey, fuck em all resurgence!!! ive been waiting for it and now it’s here!

-im scared, what’s connie gonna do? fuck cops

-“that’s a long way to go just to get a dig in” “it was a stretch but-” see what happens when you’re a narc? you lose your wit :/ sad! nice exit line from connie tho

-CW SUICIDE MENTION. ok time to talk about what definitely needs to be talked about. god this has had my chest hurting all day yesterday. i knew blarris would be outed eventually bc sho likes to milk every plot point for every bit of drama they can get out of it, but i did not expect roger to take his life. and blair finding him is just devastating. i said this on twt, but the fact that somebody could be so overwhelmed with internalized homophobia that being outed could cause them to commit suicide is so incredibly and deeply sad to me. i’ve been crying for a while over that fact. 

im just. im really sad. i’ve connected so much with these characters over the past two-ish years and this is such a devastating turn of events. i have no words. it isn’t bad writing or ooc by any means, it’s just so extremely and incredibly sad. there are probably thousands of people who have been in roger’s exact position before, and the realism really hits me hard. i can’t put into words how overwhelming sad this makes me. 

also pretty upset that this came as a COMPLETE shock to me and all my friends. we all watched on the sho streaming service, which did not have the “viewer discretion advised” card before the ep. the premier did, but the episode on the app did not. i really REALLY wish they had added that before i had seen the episode so i could prepare myself, even if just slightly. also wish they had added a suicide hotline number at the end. 

seeing blair grieve his loss is going to hurt but it’s probably going to give us closure too. i think about this show all the time, and now thinking about it makes me so overwhelmingly sad. i sound dramatic but this show has been with me for so long. not being able to see much of blair’s reaction beside the initial shock has been haunting me. im so scared for what the future episodes are going to bring.

thank you for reading, i love you all <3

#suicide ment // #suicide #black monday #shoblackmonday #andrew rannells #slander #meta analysis #open mic night #anonymous

[queerlyhalloween]

Not to sound like the joker™️ but i hate western society. I know that hair and clothes aren't gendered, so do most of my mates, ive been working hard at unlearning the internalized transphobia that's just a part of being trans in the UK and actually ALLOWING myself to think about going on hormones and dressing in ways other than "ambigious as possible" despite the fact im non-binary

i grew myself a little mullet because ive not been working in the pub and wanted solid snake hair, ive allowed myself to look at my face and the long hair around it and not despair because i know that longer hair doesn't make me a woman, but the moment you go into a shop, or get takeaway or pass by people in the street its all "move out the way of this lady!" and "thank you, ma'am"

i dont want the gender option of 'other' on my ID i want to know 1 good reason why gender should be listed on an ID in the 1st place

ive just come back from the range and i had my hair up like some e-thot fuckboy, i had to go BACK to the range because they got my click and collect order wrong so ive got two members of staff looking over my order, im dressed in black jeans and a black masc-looking ripped shirt, mask covering half my face and as the manager's showing the kid who served me the receipt they go "oh I served that guy earlier" and the manager corrects them "its a lady". I say "im niether" and they both just stare at me like im a toddler. Im already panicking because the air feels the same way it did when some cunt came after me in the pub toliets. "dont worry about it :)" i say, they both turn back to the tills and completely ignore me.

Anyway, micro-aggressions, ive experienced a lot of them for many reasons over the course of my life and today ive decided to snap.

Not at the people in the range like, just in general.

I will never pass. That's just an element of trans euphoria i will never get to experience. Not right off the bat, anyway. Not where i live, and most likely not in my lifetime. Maybe for kids in LA or Brighton, and hey power to you guys man im happy for you, but people assume or guess m/f when they look at me and they will never get it right.

So when i see people on this site try and twitter etc rank "who's the most oppressed"™️ like a godamn smash bros tier list it blows my mind because of all the things you could spend your days doing thats what youre expending energy on?!

You could be the exact same age, race, sex, gender, sexuality, you could have the exact same disabilities, mental health conditions and money in your bank as another person on this site and you'd still never understand what they've been through. Our experiences, our families, our morals and lives are always gonna be different and the moment you try to write definitive rules on whose got it worse you've already lost and you're already wrong. Oppressed classes are not a fucking hivemind and pretending they are is only going to cause you more problems. I get the strong sense that some of you looked at the word intersectionality, went "ah yeah, i know what that means" having never read up on the matter, then proceeded to play the pain olympics.

And its creating a culture where kids feel the need to spills their souls online to justify living their lives!

You've not listed your disabilites in your bio so you're able-bodied. You're Irish but haven't listed your race so you're white. You're cis man so you've never played with gender and suffered as a result. You're asexual so clearly you're a cringeworthy baby who's never experienced a wrong-doing in their life.

The reverse is true too, if you list every aspect of yourself then you're automatically honest. The more opressed you are the less likely you are of causing harm to others. Psht, don't have a carrd in this day and age? What are you, a fraud? cishet white man playing make believe? Post a selfie or face the wrath of ozymandaus. What's privacy? It takes me 3 minutes to read the bio on this discourse side-blog so clearly they're an angel.

my mam abused me for years, she did the same to my brother when i left home at 18 and my dad drank himself to death. My nan, his mother, never believed me because my mam's a disabled woman with a lot of trauma, and at 14 how do you explain to the woman who takes you to the beach that it's WORSE because as she's beckoning you to the side of her bed so she can scream point blank in your face, or hit you, you're never truely sure, you're thinking about running away because of course she physically can't chase you but she can throw. And then where would you go if you did buggar off?

"You have to sleep sometimes" she used to say to me when I'd piss her off. Other days she told me horror stories about kids in care, and disabled people having their kids taken away, made me promise that I'd always love her and always be her baby, and I'd do that for her because she's my mam, she'd be satisfied then ignore me for a while. I grew up thinking that was entirely normal until i'd tell funny family stories at school and nobody would laugh. The closest I got to truely running away was when I changed my name and pronouns and her rejection, turned to vitriol one night and I so, so, nearly held a knife to my throat and simply fell forwards in the uni showers. Obviously I didn't do that.

But she's had a shitter life than me thus far so she's in the right, as the online black/white dichotomy states. I keep her at arm's length but I'm unable to cut her away without losing the rest of my family because I dared defy the role of eldest child and care for her as I've done my whole life, as is expected.

we need to take things on a case by case basis, and learn when stuff is none of our business.

"Hey! :) I see you've reclaimed (X) slur, without submitting the proper paperwork. Real quick tell me every trauma you've ever experienced or I'll write a callout post :) delete this anonymous message (as is your right) and i'll assume you as sus ❤"

you can only call yourself a dyke if on your 13th birthday, the moon's tender rays struck you through your bedroom window and gave you your first wet dream about girls.

Great, cool. I have no interest in calling myself a dyke, i cant call myself a lesbian because it makes me dysphoric, thats why im queer, but i can assure you that when 3 kids from catholic school pinned me under the bridge and threatened to cut me open for being a "dirty dyke tramp" they didn't play 20Qs with me first to check that i was actually a lesbian.

if your first thought is "well thats just misdirected homophobia, so youre not ACTUALLY a victim" log the fuck off and consider what's wrong with you. Because all our oppressors care about is sniffing out the wrong on you and beating it out, they dont care what breed of wrong it is.

so you're going to spend your day, the enlightened adult that you are, frothing at the mouth because some 15yr old dared call themselves butch despite them being OnLY a BiSexUAl? You're gonna say that trans woman deserves to be suicidal because yes she may be trans BUT she's from the UK, so clearly she loves her horrid country and government. You're gonna say that black lad deserves racial abuse because he's trying to focus on his studies rather than go to protests. That 19yr old who's living in poverty deserves it because they work for Amazon. Texans deserve to freeze to death because there are republicans in Texas.

You're going to harass a complete stranger coming to terms with the parts of themselves society has taught them are worthless at best because they're not doing it the way YOU think is right.

This post has not ended where I started it but I really dont care:

Some of you are so fucking desperate to be the bullies you never got to be in secondary school and it shows. But you're cowards. You can't just admit you want to divide and concur so you do it in a new woke way and when your time on this earth is done, you'll have commited the same pain that's been dealt to you and wonder why you died miserable in a world thats more or less the same.

okay to reblog but dont @ me for a debate because i have, like, real problems and will just block you

#tw suicide mention #child abuse #homophobia #transphobia #ablesim #racism #*muffled screaming* #im shit at tagging sorry if i missed anything but im out i think

[costellos]

LOL A 401K IM DEAD but honestly...... tru

all that tax stuff, retirement plans.... nanami’s got it covered. and then there’s gojo, committing tax fraud 🤧 i’d compare gojo to salt as a seasoning but that’s kinda mean, he does have some flavor. like, sugar probably suits him better?? sweet, can be addicting, but bad for you if have too much of it 🙈 AND THEN NANAMI. man’s the whole spice rack, he wouldn’t have it anything less since he loves food so much 😤 he is, as we say, umami personified 🤌

yeah, it’s unfortunate lmfao but oh well. i do occasionally have them in a smoothie though, like you said!

alsjfhsha it’s def time consuming.... like i’d be sitting down w my family and when i’m finally done picking it all out, they’ve finished eating welp 😭 and yeah, the rational part of me knows that, but i’m that person someone has to go up the service worker for and be like “excuse me she asked for no pickles” (except i didn’t 🙈) i’m much better in restaurants bc the language barrier isn’t as intimidating so i will tell them to leave out an ingredient if it’s something i can’t easily take out

mmmmm i can see that! he’d be the guy who’d eat pizza with a fork and knife wouldn’t he lol. and dab all the excess oil off w a napkin. he probably only goes to the Legit pizza places too haha but i think if he likes you enough he can be convinced to eat almost anywhere

ofc!! ask games are more fun if it goes both ways 😌 and ooooo tsumu! interesting...... 👀 those are honestly such good date ideas w a guy like atsumu! that’d rly be smth he’d enjoy and ngl the moment i read ‘something physical’ i immediately imagined y’all racing LMAO. he’s a prime example of how competition can be good for you w the right person, so i can see you filling in the space osamu left after he decided to focus more on his food aspirations. like imagine making cute lil bets w him and the loser having to do what the winner wanted hehe. omg a double date w the miya twins would be sm fun tho??? from my impression of you so far, i definitely trust you to keep tsumu in line lmfao so catch me there. me and osamu are the ones spectating and judging your guys’ competitions and cheering you on to beat atsumu like we’re olympic commentators or smth LOL

aaaaa i’m honestly p shy but if anything can get me to come off anon, it’d be nanamin 😂 (it’s like we’re todo and yuji bonding over their shared type but w nanami skdjfjsjsjs) let me know if you prefer to keep it here or on discord and i’ll give you my account, whichever platform you like better! also congrats on 1k! much deserved!! 🎉

cut for length!

A;LDSKJ GOJO WOULD COMMIT TAX FRAUD. lmao salt is a lil mean!! sugar is more fitting <3 sugar is also used for more fun foods, and I feel like it matches him bc of his sweet tooth. but Nanami........ o lawd. definitely the whole spice rack yes. 100% agree. pls I would use him in everything. wait was that a weird thing to say?

ah I totally understand! well, u got this friend. the next time u go out for Mexican food, I’ll be there cheering for u in spirit!!

and yes.... ugh... I don’t think he’s particularly picky, he’ll try anything. he just doesn’t like foods that are excessive, if that makes sense? like what you were saying with the grease. I think he’s more the type to like subtle flavors. an obnoxious meat lover’s pizza from The Hut would be a no go, but he’s down for a, quote, Legit Pizza Place. the kind of Italian restaurant that’s authentic! but let’s admit it, by that point it wouldn’t even technically be “pizza.” authenticity comes with a price :’)

ty friend you’re far too kind 🥺 AND PLS YOU’RE MAKING ME BLUSH OVER MY LAPTOP HHHHHHH. I would love nothing more than to fill the Osamu-shaped hole in his heart once they both go into their separate careers. and god..... don’t encourage him. or me. I would definitely make bets w him. and I would win. but thank you sweet anon, I would do my best to keep him from annoying the shit out of you!! it would be an honor to have you and Osamu comment on our tomfoolery. 👉👈

MY GOD I WAS ABOUT TO KEYBOARD MASH AGAIN. we’re definitely Todo and Yuji.... u like Nanami and so now I’m obligated to imagine a whole life we coulda had together in high school together. even tho I graduated five years ago. and I’m assuming you did some time ago too since you mentioned you’re old...... lordt. anyway! thank you for the congrats!! I would love to discuss more headcanons and such w you over Discord! dm me and I’ll add you so that we can sob over Nanami’s absence in the anime <33

nanamin date anon said: me, rewatching eps 9-13 on replay until the new episode comes out: hahaha i love all the jjk characters equally! nanamin and *looks at smudged writing on hand* the extras

lol i love them all rly, it’s just super refreshing to have an adult like nanami in a shounen

haha yeah, i’m definitely glad i’m not the oldest (bc that’s way too much responsibility for me, idk how they do it) so being player 2 as a younger sibling isn’t too bad, especially since it’s the story that i’m usually more interested in rather than the gameplay itself. i don’t have to worry about remembering which buttons to press in a fight when i can just watch the plot play out lol. (it’s definitely a good game, i just suck at the controls 😅 my brother let me play a bit and i couldn’t get the web swinging down i was struggling so bad aslfjjfsjak) what sort of games are you into? 👀

even if it’s boring to some ppl, watching is a good way to experience the game for yourself as well, esp if it’s a single player game! ofc i do tend to prefer multiplayer games, but it’s not too dissimilar to watching someone play a sport tbh. AND NO KENMA IM PRO-SIDEQUEST LIVE OUT YOUR COMPLETIONIST DREAMS. if we gotta fetch that dude a super rare item to unlock his backstory we MUST do it ok

YEAH! mikorin is also voiced by noya’s va! it’s honestly a shame gsnk didn’t get a second season, it’s so good 😔

me: lol does that mean kuroo’s your tomoda

kenma: ok this date is over

LMFAOOOOO not my fault the popular choices are the ones that get you the good end 😤 and it’s all good, i’m also guilty of replaying to see how the other choices impact the story haha. if there’s no save system tho, i’d make him switch out w me every time we replay bc i’d zone out at all the repeat stuff (bless games that have a skip option 🙏)

UGH TELL ME ABOUT IT!!! ok so I love the other charas too but.... Nanami’s so good. so good. iono about you, anon, but I went back and rewatched his episodes from the dub and it made me Feel Things. and I agree, it is refreshing to see an adult like him in shounen. esp since he treats the kids like kids. and he makes it clear that their being kids is never a bad thing. I will reiterate: he’s so good.

ahhh friend that’s so nice!. your brother sounds really chill. plus it sounds like a good balance: you get to watch the story, and he gets to dick around!! win-win. and as for my fav games, I’m up for anything! I try to avoid co-op games like Overwatch bc I get too competitive and I’m a sore loser lmao (but they are fun!). the last games I played were the Last of Us 2 and Persona 5, two very different games, but stuff that’s a good time nonetheless. tbh as long as I can immerse myself in the story and there’s tons to explore, I’m down. what about you?? you’d kind of mentioned otome games and Animal Crossing, but I’m curious!

hm. interesting. that’s a nice way to look at it. I guess if it’s a really good game, it’s no different from an interactive movie! also Kenma would love that omg you’re going to save so many villages in the rpgs he plays w you.... gotta max out EVERYTHING. every side quest! every mundane task!! collect literally every feather!!! but I feel like he would pass the time by making idle conversation. like some dumb shit Lev had mentioned earlier that day. such a nice way to unwind at the end of the day, shit talking Lev w his fav person 😌

anyway! going back to completionist stuff: Kenma would have such a blast going back and replaying games w you! and yes bless games w a skip option hhh. thankfully he’d remember all your previous choices together, so he can help navigate where to go next. he has no qualms handing the controller over, I think he’d love to curl up next to you and analyze how you play! but I also feel like he’d be giving unwarranted suggestions....... thanks, Kenma.

also, about Mikorin’s va: WHAT. OH MY GOD. so many things to learn..... pls. indulge me w your trivia.

#nanamin date anon #FRIEND you are SPOILING ME #so many good scenarios and general content..... #thank u for popping by! #and I'll reiterate: I'd be more than happy to chat over Discord #if you're comfortable that is! #I would love nothing more than to yell about Nanami w you #toya slides u a note #Anonymous

[writing-radionoises]

afterlife

ship: background terumob and ritshou, implied seirei

genre: angst with a bittersweet ending

prompt: mob tries to cope with death and learns he's really bad at it

notes: autistic mob is canon because im autistic and i said so

--

Reigen was always good at reading people, me particularly.

He was better than Ritsu, who had lived his whole life around me, and better than Teru, who was arguably horrible at the task.

Reigen knew me better than anyone I knew. 

He could tell what percentage I was at before I could even spill the numbers.

Even though he was never as great as he said, and I had known he was a fraud for years, I do believe that somewhere deep down, Reigen did have an ability.

Reigen passed the year after I graduated high school, so I guess we'll never really know.

It was a couple months ago, but I'm still not strong enough to talk about it.

I'm struggling to live as an adult without him.

There's no one who can really understand my situation as much as he did.

Even though I love Ritsu and Teru dearly, and they're working hard to get in the level Reigen was once, they'll never be Reigen.

I'm never going to have a person like that again.

… Probably.

Before he passed, I used to text him when I was starting to get overwhelmed, about to meltdown, and he'd help me ground myself, keep it under wraps.

Sometimes he'd call, he had a comforting voice.

I find myself still texting his old number, I'm sure it goes to some random person now who didn't even know who Reigen was, but that doesn't stop me.

I apologize a lot in those messages.

Partially because it was my fault he passed.

Partially because I feel bad for dumping all my emotional baggage on the person actually receiving these.

I vent about my day, I scroll up and read our old conversations, I take pictures of things that remind me of him and send them.

… Part of me is half expecting him to respond.

Part of me is hoping he's gonna text back and say "Aw, what a cute puppy, Mob! Be sure to give it lots of pets for me!"

And then he doesn't.

I had a meltdown at his funeral, it was embarrassing.

Dimple didn't know what to do with me, Ritsu was trying to get everyone to settle down.

Teru tried to comfort me from afar.

I cried a lot that day.

I couldn't leave the house for weeks.

I got fired from my job because I hadn't come into work so long.

I stayed home alone, constantly at my limit.

100% loneliness.

100% sadness.

100% mourning.

I think the stages of grief work differently for me, I never had a denial, bargaining, or anger stage.

I jumped right into depression, head first.

I'm working my way out of it, though.

Reigen had no living family, but he had put me in his will, so I had gotten most of everything he ever owned. Ritsu tried to get me to get rid of it, but I was already attached to most of it.

So I kept most of his belongings.

Teru wasn't mad when most of our apartment was cluttered with Reigen's stuff, and I was stuck in the middle of the apartment, desperately trying to cope.

He organized it, framed pictures and put away books.

I still couldn't cope. But he insisted that was okay.

I readjusted my routine, trying to keep my lost father figure as far from my mind as possible, but he still forced his way in.

Today, Dimple insisted that I visit Reigen's grave for the first time in months. Ritsu said it was a bad idea, that it would only awaken more grieving, but… Maybe it could be the closure I needed.

The train was loud, so I had worn my ear defenders, and sat close to the window while I waited for my stop.

I felt like a middle schooler again, on my way to the Spirit and Consultation Office after school.

I wasn't, but it was a nice warm feeling to be reminded of. 

My stop came along, and I hopped off the train and headed towards the graveyard. It was autumn, the wind had just gotten chilly and the leaves started to fall. I slipped off my ear defenders and continued walking.

"Dimple," I asked, "Were you ever… Human? Or were you just always a spirit?"

Dimple looked back at me, I'm sure if he had shoulders he would shrug, "Don't really know, Shigeo. I've been like this for as long as I can remember, so I doubt I was ever human. Why?"

I looked down towards the ground, shoving my hands in my pockets, "Maybe… I've been too consumed by grief to think about this before, but I'm wondering if maybe… Reigen is a spirit now."

"Don't get your hopes up."

"I know but… It'd be a nice thought. To actually talk to him again instead of just… texting his old number like he's still there."

"Maybe so, but would it really feel any better to know he's stuck here instead of going into the afterlife?"

I fell silent again, Dimple might've been right, maybe I was selfish for wanting that.

I don't like the idea of him being stuck here forever.

What if he asks me to exorcise him? Would I be able to do it?

Would I… be able to live with killing him twice?

"Don't think about it too much, kid," Dimple reassured, "Think about something else, like… Oh, Serizawa's coming to town soon, isn't he?"

I nodded, "He is, he's going to take over the business, and probably move up here. He left to visit family for awhile… the grief was too much for him."

"And your brother is getting married soon, right?"

"I think so… I hope he and Shou don't feel like Teru and I are pressuring him since we're already married… Teru and I have just been together since middle school."

"Ah, I'm sure he doesn't feel like that, hey look! We're there," Dimple replied.

I looked up at the entry way gate, and headed on in.

I could feel the presence of many spirits, most of which were good meaning, as I moved down the aisles. I remembered which one was Reigen's, I'm not quite sure why I memorized that, as I came across the gravestone.

Reigen Arataka

1993-2025

A father to all,

A lover to one.

I remember Serizawa picking out that inscription, he confronted me about it before confirming it.

It was the first thing to make me smile during the week of Reigen's death.

I took a breath, looking down at the grave, and then getting on my knees.

The ground was cold, and I felt no presence here.

"Reigen…" I started, trying to collect myself, "I'm really sorry. About… everything. About the fight I got you involved in, the people I got you involved in with, not taking over the business like you wanted… I'm really sorry about that one, I should've done it, but it feels so… so… empty without you… Serizawa said he was gonna take it, though. I know he's gonna take good care of it, I'll work under him, too. Maybe someday… I'll let go enough to be able to do it? I don't know…"

I balled up the fabric of my jeans into my hands, trying to keep it together.

"I've been texting your old number, I'm having such a hard time living without you… I love Ritsu, and Teru, and Dimple but… I don't think there's a person in the world who could get me quite as well as you did. You taught me a lot of things, I'm not sure if I'd be the same person without you. Teru, as patient as he is, is probably tired of my mourning and constant depression. I had a meltdown at your funeral, I'm sorry about that, too, it was really embarrassing…"

I fell silent again, biting my tongue.

"I think… I'm happy about the moments we spent together, though. There could've been so much more, you died so young, but the ones we had… they make me pretty happy. A part of me, though, has been thinking about you on the afterlife. Wondering if you're a spirit and wondering… how much damage I can do with my powers. It was my fault you passed, my fault that many people passed and now I'm wondering… am I really a good person? Am I doing good enough? Will I ever… live up to what you thought of me?"

There's silence in the air as I feel the emotions build up once again.

75%.

"I'm really nothing without you, I'm so annoying to everyone because you're all I can talk about. I can't remember the last time I saw my parents, Serizawa left town for awhile, Teru's coping by overworking himself and here I am, crying to someone who isn't here anymore and can't do anything to help. Here I am, texting a dead person and still praying they'll text back and… And… I'm just…"

93%.

"I'm just so… fucking lonely, Reigen, I'm so fucking lonely."

There isn't a response. But I expected that. Nothing but the wind as I still pray to hear a familiar voice.

Just one more time, please.

Just one more hug.

"Hey, Mob!"

I lift my head up, and I'm met with a ghostly figure of someone I once knew.

"Still venting to me from the afterlife, huh?"

#Character i kin: #ne projecting my loneliness: it's free real estate #*me #mp100 #mp100 shigeo #mp100 dimple #mp100 reigen #reigen arakata #shigeo kageyama #mob psycho 100 #ritsu kageyama #kageyama shigeo #kageyama ritsu #mp100 teruki #mob psycho 100 teruki #hanazawa teruki #teruki x shigeo #terumob #writers #writer #writing #writblur #writblr

[nie7027]

DadReigen week day 3: Sports | Lessons

AHHHHH I DONT KNOW WHAT I’M DOING BUT AT LEAST I AM DOING SOMETHING 

well heres the second (third, sorry mods of the event it wasn’t my intetion to disrupt the order ) fic for dadreigenweek with some Shou feelings(or at least tried)

I hope you like it 

Sports

“It’s here” Reigen said at last stopping in the green open field.

“Here?” Shou glanced around and pointed with his thumbsat the monkey bars a few meters away from them “It’s a park Reigen. What kind of second rate spirit would haunt a park?” he deadpanned.

“What do you even know about spirits?!! Stop talking and let’s get to work. I’m the specialist here and I know what I’m talking about!”

“Sure you do old man. Sure you do” said Shou knowing fully well there wasn’t any spirit here. When Reigen turned his back to keep walking Shou stuck his tongue at him but still followed him.

Truth be told Shou had nothing better to do with Ritsu and the others being at school. He had already exhausted all his options and was dying of boredom, so when Reigen had asked his help this morning with a job he was very quick to accept. Too quick actually. I

f he had known it would require this much walking he would have thought it better.

But well this is what he deserved for sneaking into the office at unholy 8 in the morning and scaring the shit outta of Reigen.

Shou chuckled at the memory of  the first time when Reigen took hold of his umbrella and lounged to attack what he thought was a intruder, screaming the entire time

It made Shou realize he should tell Reigen to put better locks at the office because if thats was how he planned to defend against an attack then he had very poor chances. It had been very easy for him to block the umbrella.

Reigen just groaned when Shou said this to him the next day.

“If some people just entered through the door like any decent person, I wouldn’t have the need to defend myself “

“Where’s the fun in that?” had said Shou grinning.

Reigen suddenly stopped and waved his hand “What are you laughing at? We are wasting time. Spirits wont be exorcised by just chattering!”

Shou decided to play along 

“So, what exactly are we doing here? What was so important that you had to explicitly ask me for help instead of your oh-so-helpful-goodie-two shoes Serizawa?” Shou had to stop himself from cringing, that had come out more bitter than he had intended.

If Reigen noticed he didn’t acted on it.

“Even Serizawa has his personal matters to attend. Besides it’s not like he isn’t doing his work, someone had to stay back and look after the office” he then shrugged the backpack he had brought along and started rummaging looking for something “As for what we are doing….We are going to do and old ritual of sorts known from warding off evil spirits and attracting good energies-AJA HERE IT IS”

Shou had to do a double take at what Reigen was proudly holding in his hand.

An old worn out baseball ball.

Shou knew the man was a fraud but he was starting to think he had gone nuts. 

“Reigen you do realize that’s a baseball ball right? Like do you realize you are holding a toy?”

“Of course I know what it is!” he said tossing the ball at Shou who caught it reflexively “It’s the most important part of the ritual”

“Ritual?” Shou inspected the ball. As he thought it was just a simple ball. “ What kind of ritual involves a baseball ball?”

“Im telling you. It’s a very old ritual!” Reigen exclaimed offended “We pass each other the ball thus creating with our own energies a ward circle that extends and protects the whole area”

“What? Where did you get that-” Shou bursted laughing when a relizations struck him “Ritsu was right and you get all your practices from shady webpages... How old are you exactly to believe that kind of bullshit?”

 “Hey! you brat, I’ll let you know this is 100% real bussines, but what would a kid like you know disrepecting adults-”

“Shut up”

Shou frowned, it had been fun at first but now it was straight up annoying. 

“I’m not Mob and if you think I am as naive as him to believe everything you say is right just because you are and adult and you said so then you are wrong.”

Shou turned his back fully intent of going away but froze when Reigen spoke.

“No! wait Shou, I’m sorry! It wasn’t my intention to make you feel less just for being a kid”

“I’m not a kid” Shou huffed 

“I’m sorry anyway”

Shou sighed and turned around, scrutinizing Reigen’s gaze. It seemed sincere...unlike what he had seen in most adults throughout all his life.

“What are we doing here then?”he said crossing his arms “No more lies”

Reigen sighed and rubbed the back of his neck.

“For the last 2 weeks you have spent the morning at the office-I’m not saying you can’t, you are always welcomed but you just sit there waiting for Ritsu to come, or Mob or whoever gets there... It’s not good for you”

He then looked down at Shou “Do you understand what I’m saying?”

Shou nodded, he had thought of those things already but….it was stupid but he had been so focused with taking down his dad he hadn’t thought what he would do next.

“So I thought...When I was young I used to play with-err I enjoyed playing fetch” 

Reigen tried to leave it there but Shou wasn’t dumb, nor liked to be treated like he was fragile “I said no more lies, if you have something to say just do it”

“I was there, when you father tried to take over the world and I saw...I bet you have never played it”

He was right.

Shou handed him back the ball “Fine, let’s play.

Reigen smiled and for the second time that day Shou felts he shouldn’t have said yes so quickly. He had of course seen people playing fetch, it wasn’t that complicated but for some reason he still stood there awkwardly, not knowing what to do.

Reigen moved some meters away and asked him if he was ready before throwing the ball which Shou caught again with no problem at all.

He returned the ball 

Shou was confussed “How is this supposed to be fun?”

“Just wait and see!” 

Reigen then took a few steps back before tossing the ball again. This time with too much force.

The flew past Shou to high for him to reach it so with a flick of his hands he commanded his powers to bring the ball to him.

“HEY NO POWERS THAT’S CHEATING” Reigen immediately screamed 

“You were the one who threw it with too much force! How was I supposed to catch it? Running?”

“THAT´S THE POINT”

Shou was gonna make him eat his words.

With as much force as he could muster (and not powers) Shou threw the ball at him, it went above Reigen’s head but he actually ran and jumped catching the ball.

Shou pursed his lips, his competitive side taking over, when Reigen made a silly dance of victory.

The game was on.

They played until they were left panting and sweating on the ground, both their hair sticking to their foreheads and it was until then that Shou saw what else was inside the bag.

Juices pouches and sliced fruit.

Shou didn’t want to know why Reigen thought he could pass this as some spirit exorcism.

#dadreigenweek2019 #mob psycho 100 #mp100 #reigen arataka #suzuki shou #nie's writing #usually shous voice comes very easily to me but this time i suffered

[honeyedmilks]

kpop tag 🌙

hi hi hi !! sofia here after being tagged by jojo !! ty @xmaliciousmochi !! it’s been a million years but i did it :’) here we go !! i’m tagging; @meanyoongis, @allonsy-allie, @youngjei, @illegil, @choiyoungjae, @rosejaehyun , @blushyandreil and um !! @electrickisses !!

my firsts!!

first group i listened to: i think it was exo but also bts at the same time ... my first kpop video was actually the perfect man cover ...

first solo artist i listened to: HMM bevy maco !! he’s like khiphop and then it was jonghyun (☹️🌸💖✨)

first group to actually know their names: OH i think it was bts ??? or exo ?? I DONT KNOW i’ll just go with exo !!

first bias ever: i think it was baekhyun because he was very sexy. then that faded pretty quickly and then it was yoongi and jin.

first song to make me emotional: we talking like sad emotional ?? oh that’s easy- tomorrow by bts. i cried like A BiTch... it really hit me hard and i don’t have it in me to explain my sad story LOOL

my top 3 !!

top 3 fave male groups: in no particular order i would say ... shinee, monsta x and bts!! just for lots of different reasons :’)

top 3 fave female groups: aoa (queen of concepts and making bomb ass tunes), exid and snsd (they’re legends guys) but in all honestly i’ve not listened to enough gg music extensively :(( im a fraud tho i can say for Sure that red velvet is pretty solid ... y’all heard perfect velvet yet?

top 3 fave solo artists: jonghyun (my man, my angel), heize and bevy maco

top 3 fave songs of all time: but like these change every month !!!! but i guess if ur gonna make my stupid ass choose then i’ll say ... may by belle epoque (this was in the coffe prince ost !!!), don’t know you by heize and Um love is so nice by jjong. also every song he has ever sang in :)

top 3 biases: jjong, yugyeom from got7 and zelo from b.a.p

top 3 fandoms i’m a part of: i don’t really know if i classify myself as part of a fandom since i mostly like to enjoy things on my own and don’t do much for the fandoms?? :( but i do like being a got7 aghase (baby bird) !! a shinee shawol and also an aoa elvis !! and like i really get in my bts feels sometimes :/

top 3 choreographies: now this is an interesting question ... i’ll split it with bg and gg choreos !!

bg: pretty much every bts choreo piece (shout out to mic drop i love Love that hoe!!)

evil by shinee (but Who am i kidding i also love ALL of their choreo. like literally all of it)

and HMMMM lets go with cherry bomb by the nct boys. it’s pretty cool if i say so myself.

but there’s like Sooo many cool dance videos and choreo pieces that i’ve watched a lot but this is what i could narrow it down to right now :’) also um hello taemin ... move is a masterpiece ...

gg: 4minute’s crazy is the Shit my guys u all need a link to this.

like a cat by aoa !! this song is also Bomb as Fuck !!! so go listen also ahem excuse me by aoa

also... um ddd by exid ugh who am i Kidding ... i’m just thinking of the dances i would Love to learn ...

i gotta put signal by twice down here as well - This is a Signal Love zone plz don’t disrespect me or my alien girls thank u.

but like gee and i gotta boy by snsd... so Good... so amazing ....

but then blackpink and red velvet have such cool choreo .... miss peakaboo? she’s a queen. Fuck i love girl group dances ‘xjdkskkskd

my ultimates!!

ultimate bias group: shinee :((((

ultimate male bias: jonghyun :(((((

ultimate female bias: heize ... she.... 

#tagged #ty jojo :') i needed some distracting so im doing some fun tags i love them

[cowboy-butch]

i’m a gnc bi woman. i’m actually just a butch lesbian lol but leaving this up bc it was part of my journey

i like wearing binders, masculine clothing, and being androgynous. knowing you’re not trans bc you just Know you’re a woman, but don’t fit into society’s idea of femininity is hard to navigate and often confusing. and having a complicated relationship to your attraction to men makes it even worse.

i find myself trying to act more feminine when i’m around guys i find attractive, bc what guy would like a masculine woman like me? or if they are attracted to me, the fear of them being fetishizing is quick to erase any attraction i feel. i think comp het makes me want to be attractive to any relatively attractive guy i see, even if i don’t /actually/ want anything to do with them. i’ve had a lot of thoughts questioning my sexuality because of that. i knew i had attraction to men and that i could love a man, but my aversion of them made me wonder if i was a lesbian. i’m fairly comfortable with myself and my identity. bisexual fits me and makes me happy, and if i tried id’ing myself as a lesbian i would definitely feel like a fraud and out of bounds. that was the comp het speaking. (i know some lesbians do feel like a fraud bc of comp het, and i support and love them dearly, but for me i would just know that it was the Wrong identity)

but with women and my attraction to them, i usually become more masculine and kinda confident. i do kinda feel like a protector or that i want to dote on them. i don’t have this fear of being shamed for my identity, or that by being gnc i’ll emasculate them or smth like i would a guy. my feelings and attraction are so much lovelier and wonderful i just love gorls

i also have a weird relationship with my body. i don’t hate it, i think it’s beautiful but i do kinda wish it was more masculine. i like my boobs, they’re great to play with or whatever lol but when i’m not in the comfort of my home, the way i know they look to other people bothers me a lot. i wore my binder to work the other night and seeing myself in a mirror gave me immense joy. i had a flat chest, i had a masculine vibe going on, and it made me feel normal.

femininity was forced on me as a kid, not as extremely as some people but i was forced to wear skirts and dresses to school and church when it was the last thing i wanted to wear. i can remember instances of being a tomboy or boyish as a kid, and i wonder if being gnc came from being forced to be feminine. i’m just thinking aloud so don’t take me seriously, but is being gnc wired into our brains or a rebellion from feminine/masculine roles in our society? there’s no way to know, and maybe i don’t want to know. all that matters is that i’m gay and gnc.

i don’t know what im trying to achieve by posting this, at first i was kind of writing it for myself but now i just want to let bi women know that if they’re in the same situation as me, that they really aren’t alone. feel free to interact with this post or message me, id love to hear your thoughts and experiences 💓

#long post #personal #ali.txt #terfs/radfems dont touch #queue #🎶gender is confusing🎶 #ive always been bad at makeup and womens fashion but i love mens fashion and i think im pretty good at it #and ive finally accepted my identity as a gnc woman #i love all gorls but typically other gnc/butch women make me weaaaak theyre so handsome and amazing #who am i kidding feminine gorls make me weak af too akdhakd #also #dont take this as like a hot take this is just me free writing my thoughts