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#but no im just a shitty awful unstable person and terrible to be around and all kinds of other bad shit
nyxvents · 6 years
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i wanna elaborate now but
after danny left last summer i realized very suddenly that i had to Get Better so i forced a whole lot of positivity and made a lot of friends and was like UWU everything is fine and im not suffering and im gonna make him proud uwuuwuwuwuw dirnk ur water~~ but then i attracted all these incredibly toxic people because they gave me attention and i thought i liked them and i thought i was Happy and Okay and Recovering but then it all crashed down very rapidly and i fell into this pit where every single day was just. isolate. self destruct. cut. ditch. angry. isolate isolate isolate isolate isolate. and i just missed him so fucking much i still do but ive lost all my motivation to prove him wrong. i really am just exhausting to be around and ive never learned how to get better and i was stuck with a counselor who enabled me and shit and i have untreated undiagnosed ocd and bipolar and i havent healed from everything and i have toxic tendencies when it comes to how i treat my friends and im trying to work on it but i can feel that. part of me lurking everywhere i go and i can feel myself slipping and getting reactive and angry and lonely and i dont want to hurt or exhaust anyone again because i know what its like and its shitty and i dont want to put anyone through that.. and im just so fucking sorry that i made danny feel that way and its one of my biggest regrets to have lost him as a friend because i loved him so much and he was so good to me and just. im so fucking angry i let myself ruin our friendship even if i didnt feel as if i could control the way i was acting i wish i could go back and fix it
that summer was one of the worst most unstable times in my life and i felt so out of control and like everyone would forget me if i wasnt doing everything in my power to make them feel sorry for me, but it just lead to the opposite happening and i just wore everyone out on the idea of giving a fuck about me. i just regret so much of what happened, so many people probably have such warped perceptions of me now because of things i did and said, and im fully convinced that the resurgence of my Emo Phase is just a cover for the guilt i feel about how awful i acted? like i dont really know how the two connect but. yeah. i dont know if this counts as traumatic but if it does then i guess that would explain a lot. anyway. yeah. im at least partially convinced that im a terrible person but i dont know how to be better and no one wants to call me the fuck out because, in dannys words “[i] might react badly”
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