#but my mom's also like a lot more stubborn with her ideology. like she has a masters in philosophy apparently. and for this | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

gryffindorgazelle · 4 years

Photo

Heaving through corrupted lungs

𝖖 𝖚 𝖔 𝖙 𝖊 𝖘

Will the hive survive, will the gladiolas Succeed in banking their fires To enter another year? What will they taste of, the Christmas roses? The bees are flying. They taste the spring - Wintering, Sylvia Plath

I imagine death so much it feels more like a memory When’s it gonna get me? In my sleep, seven feet ahead of me? If I see it comin’, do I run or do I let it be? Is it like a beat without a melody? See, I never thought I’d live past twenty Where I come from some get half as many. Ask anybody why we livin’ fast and we laugh, reach for a flask We have to make this moment last, that’s plenty - My Shot, Lin Manuel Miranda

Despite everything, it’s still you. Stay determined. - Undertale

Yet such is oft the course of deeds that move the wheels of the world: small hands do them because they must, while the eyes of the great are elsewhere. - J. R. R. Tolkien

𝖇 𝖆 𝖘 𝖎 𝖈

NAME: Dorcas Meadowes NICKNAMES: Cas, Dora AGE: 20 BIRTHDAY: August 17, 1960 GENDER: Female PRONOUNS: she/her

𝖋 𝖆 𝖒 𝖎 𝖑 𝖞

MOTHER: Rachel Meadowes (muggle) (48) FATHER: Alexander Meadowes (wizard) (50) SIBLINGS: Nicholas Meadowes (muggle) (25), Magda Meadowes (witch) (15), Jacob Meadowes (wizard) (12)

𝖕 𝖍 𝖞 𝖘 𝖎 𝖈 𝖆 𝖑 𝖆𝖙𝖙𝖗𝖎𝖇𝖚𝖙𝖊𝖘

FACE CLAIM: Jessica Sula BUILD: 5’7”, curvy – thick thighs save lives HAIR: Thick and curly HAIR COLOR: Black EYE COLOR: Brown SKIN COLOR: Brown DOMINANT HAND: Right hand ANOMALIES: A few burn marks on her arms from potions gone awry; a crescent moon scar on her left knee from jumping off the roof when she was eight; little nicks on her fingers from prepping potion ingredients SCENT: Dittany, mint, and coffee ACCENT: English – Liverpool area ALLERGIES: Grapefruit, general hay fever DISORDERS: Mild depression, made worse by the state of the world, as well as London’s overcast skies. FASHION: Oversized sweaters tucked into jeans when she’s at home, long robes with slight embellishments when she’s in the wizarding world. Turtlenecks and pinafores, slacks and button ups – Dorcas loves muggle fashion and usually prefers it over robes. NERVOUS TICS: lip biting, tapping her wand against her thigh QUIRKS: when she gets mad, sparks begin to gather between her curls, and she will start to shock the people closest to her

𝖑 𝖎 𝖋 𝖊 𝖘 𝖙 𝖞 𝖑 𝖊

RESIDES: London, England BORN: Liverpool, England RAISED: Liverpool, England PETS: A cat growing up (Marcie) and then an owl for her first year of Hogwarts (Towel – a tawny owl)

CAREER: Healer EXPERIENCE: In training. Third year of five EMPLOYER: St Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries

POLITICAL AFFILIATION: The Order of the Phoenix BELIEFS: Everyone deserves a chance – there are some who are beyond redemption, but people can change if they’re given the opportunity. Dorcas grew up in a small town just outside of Liverpool that was a mix of muggles and magical folk and the idea of any sort of discrimination based on blood status never crossed her path until she entered Hogwarts. MISDEMEANORS: None FELONIES: None DRUGS: Has dabbled in psychedelics but doesn’t use anything regularly SMOKES: No ALCOHOL: Yes DIET: Between doing work for the Order and her long shifts at the hospital, Dorcas doesn’t have a lot of time to cook. She’s always got a jar of peanut butter and jam in her pantry and two loaves of bread in the freezer but it’s rare that she has something even close to a full fridge of food. Usually she’ll grab takeout between shifts but there are some days where she’s so busy that food isn’t a thought until she’s falling asleep.

LANGUAGES: English

PHOBIAS: Small spaces, being restrained, things over her head and around her neck HOBBIES: Has a small garden in her room where she grows herbs. Also has a couple trailing plants hanging from her windows. She also collects postcards from every town she visits and displays them on a very crowded cork board. TRAITS: { + }: Protective, loyal, funny, uplifting, determined { - }: Stubborn, quick to anger, melancholic, acts before she thinks

𝖋 𝖆 𝖛 𝖔 𝖗 𝖎 𝖙 𝖊 𝖘

LOCATION: There’s a park that’s about a ten minute walk from the house Dorcas grew up in and off of it is a small hideaway. It’s nothing more than a five foot clearing with a hollowed out tree and a small garden but it was the place Dorcas ran to when she was upset or sad and needed somewhere to release her anger. The city has grown since she left for Hogwarts but the little clearing has somehow remained untouched. SPORTS TEAM: Dorcas doesn��t follow sports – she enjoyed watching the school quidditch games but never followed the sport outside of the house competitions GAME: Exploding Snap MUSIC: Queen, The Beatles MOVIES: The Exorcist, The Omen, any horror movie she can get her hands on FOOD: Donuts BEVERAGE: Lavender tea with honey COLOR: Maroon, Burnt Orange, Bright Yellow

𝖒 𝖆 𝖌 𝖎 𝖈

ALUMNI HOUSE: Gryffindor WAND (length, flexibility, wood, & core): 12 1/3”, limber, spruce, dragon heartstring AMORTENTIA: Eucalyptus, Bonfire on a cold evening, Fresh lilac bushes waving in the breeze PATRONUS: Black Bear BOGGART: A silent baby. Hers. Covered in sores and taking its last breath while she can’t reach it

𝖈 𝖍 𝖆 𝖗 𝖆 𝖈 𝖙 𝖊 𝖗

MORAL ALIGNMENT: Neutral Good. MBTI: ENFP MBTI ROLE: The Campaigner. ENNEAGRAM: Six ENNEAGRAM ROLE: The Loyalist TEMPERAMENT: Choleric WESTERN ZODIAC: Leo (July 23 – August 22). Known for their exuberance, loyalty, and self confidence. Optimistic, enthusiastic, passionate, and spontaneous. Struggles to quiet down and listen, to take a moment before acting. CHINESE ZODIAC: Rat (Gold). Smart, talented, hot-tempered, jealous, with a strong sense of self-awareness. Rats are quick-witted, resourceful, and smart but lack courage. With rich imaginations and sharp observations, they can take advantage of various opportunities. PRIMAL SIGN: Otter. Clever, feisty, gregarious, likes to be in charge. Doesn’t like to look unintentionally foolish and dislikes living by other people’s rules. TAROT CARD: Strength. A card of bravery and fierceness. Symbolizes an unafraid woman. She is undaunted, indomitable, and steadfast. TV TROPES:

Surprisingly Normal Backstory: Dorcas grew up in a small town just outside of Liverpool, with two loving parents, two brothers, and a sister. Despite the presence of magic, her upbringing was average and she learned how to do things both the magical and non-magical ways. It was when she went off to Hogwarts that her life suddenly began to be turned upside down.

Challenge Seeker: Constantly seeking a challenge, Dorcas is always looking for ways to improve the potions she works with on a daily basis and hone her skills. She will not allow herself to be the weak link in any facet of her life.

Forgets To Eat: Between working at St. Mungo’s and running tasks for the Order, Dorcas often forgets to grab something to eat and doesn’t realise it until she’s snapping somebody’s head off. A lot of her anger issues might not be so volatile if she remembered to eat at least three meals a day.

SONGS:

Marigold – Mother Falcon

Bury all the marigold Underneath the bedroom As you stole two kisses from her lips Tears were shed And morals bled And petals were plucked Something in the heart beat like a drum

She – dodie

And she smells like lemongrass and sleep She tastes like apple juice and peach

Learn to Love – W. Darling

You can stand with a shield at your side Never breaking protecting your pride But you can’t really win if you’ve nothing to lose

Some Nights – fun.

Save that for the black and white I try twice as hard and I’m half as liked

So this is it? I sold my soul for this? Washed my hands of that for this? I miss my mom and dad for this?

Wild Heart – Bleachers

Were we there? Was I brave? To think everything must die For anyone to matter

Eyes Wide Open – Gotye

You just get used to living in fear Or give up when you can’t even picture your future

The Crooked Kind – Radical Face

I heard you say you weren’t born of our blood I know we’re the crooked kind But you’re crooked too

But I smell their blood I hear their voices somewhere in my bones

I know their names I carry their blood too They sing forgotten songs But I know the words They’ve been with me sine I was born

Blank Maps – Cold Specks

When my words head for the clouds Will you have my back? We were good children Darling, let it out

Let Your Heart Hold Fast – Fort Atlantic

To believe I walk alone Is a lie that I’ve been told So let your heart hold fast For this soon shall pass

IDEOLOGIES:

Peanut butter and jam belong on separate pieces of bread

Don’t give the universe a chance to bring your fears to life. Rephrase your thoughts and concerns in a positive way and throw your entire weight behind them. Things will get better, even if it’s only by the sheer strength of your will.

Never waste the opportunity for a good pun.

Always lick the bowl.

Trust your gut instinct. It knows more than you.

Life can be pain but it can also be so much more if you let it. Hold your friends close and don’t let them go – it isn’t blood that makes a family.

#dulcetask #task 001

6 notes · View notes

violetsystems · 4 years

Text

#personal

I sat and watched Home Alone 2 last night on the couch. It’s the one where he gets lost in New York flying from ORD. I haven’t been back to New York since my birthday. My mom was asking whether or not I planned on going back for it. I said I probably would. Right now it’s too difficult to figure out anything without the elections concluding. I was invited to a webinar from my bank about strategies during this particular time of volatility. There was a lot of talk about how the markets and investors were waiting to see how things would pan out. I’ve been sitting here waiting seemingly since July for an answer to everything that’s happened. Most of it I’ve realized isn’t worth my time. Every time I walk out the door someone has to make it a point to abuse my privacy in public. It’s gotten so bizarre that I’ve simply filtered it all out responding to everything with a dead, blank stare. People keep complaining that the world is getting worse and I’m pretty much left alone to deal with it. After all these months, my friends here know the story all too well. And yet the days just keep blending together like Groundhog day. No one really cares what happened to me out here. My neighbors follow me around with hushed looks. I almost got run over again at the crosswalk. A woman looked up at me after the incident. She flashed a sad and knowing look. I’m not even sure the incident was intentional. But the look made it seem for once that somebody saw it all at that moment. I’ve been writing for years about how this city relies on mob like pressure and bullying to get it’s way. I’ve been the first to be ignored when it’s happened to me. It’s almost chronic at this point. I barely have any friends here in public anymore that check in on me. The neighborhood itself is still pretty cohesive. If you know the people who have lived here for years, those people remember who you are over time. Everyone else seems to forget what you’ve been through almost immediately unless it benefits them. The difference with wandering New York is that when you are forgotten you just blend into the noise. Chicago is a much slower and smaller city comparatively. It is also very much connected by gossip and tribal. If you are on your own here, you’ll definitely feel it after awhile. No matter how much the Midwest tries to portray it’s friendly brand of inclusiveness, it doesn’t like when it doesn’t get it’s way with you. In New York, the minute is simply brushed off. Maybe a fuck you for good measure. Here in the Midwest and Chicago it is always personal. It is stubborn and pigheaded. And when it isn’t it is sheepish and awkward. It projects the blame on you if you can’t find your voice. And if your voice is out of step with the greater good and bottom line, good luck ever being heard from again. So feeling lost in a city you’ve lived and worked in for over two decades is a ghostlike state. You are a living, breathing memory trapped like a hologram behind plate glass. Easily spied on through the kitchen window while you cook your dinner and secretly telegraphed about before you even leave the property.

This would all be great if there was an outcome or an opportunity worth pivoting to. You would think being the most recognizable target in Chicago would have some sort of payoff. Personally I’ve always thought about it like the ultimate confidence builder. The streets are nothing but a modified catwalk out here. And the requirement of being completely unshakable in your walk here is constantly oppressive. In New York, when you can walk the streets alone it feels like a special kind of freedom. That everyone will forget if you cry in public. That no one will ever make a big deal about who you choose to be. That there are opportunities beyond being trapped in an ideological box until someone can figure out where to fit you into their economy. Not to mention I live in a city where a billionaire hedge fund owner is donating money to stop a fair tax amendment. Money controls everything, This I have learned suddenly blessed with liquid capital and followed relentlessly by marketers, scam artists and wanna be celebrities salivating for the chance to swindle me out of it. There’s no filter in a city for this kind of thing. But in Chicago just like the Midwest, the tendrils dig in slower. The corruption is so deep it’s hard to remove like a cancer. Twenty years of staying stagnant in the same city has done nothing for me. Everyone whispers behind my back. I’ve never said anything to anybody other than what I write about here. And nobody really knows who or what I write to anyway other than the people who read it. And so if this kind of communication is the only form of emotional contact I have these days, why do I bother trying to pick back up the pieces in a city that is beyond contentious to me every fucking day? I don’t know that I really want to answer that. I’ve been holding out on jobs with no reply. New jobs roll into my mailbox every day. Mostly in China. Which is a rather significant move to make by myself with little or no support system beyond the shadows. I keep hearing the economy won’t recover until March at best. Personally I’m cash positive until July without eating into investments or falling backwards. I don’t know that I can stay here past the winter. Everyone has elevated their interactions with me in public to a scary sort of performance. Everyone thinks I know who they are. Everyone thinks I’m in on the joke. My attention to detail and my cybersecurity leanings have me looking over my shoulder every day. I see more things that trouble me. I see no options for a future here. I have no friends. Nobody calls or texts other than my mom. This doesn’t mean I’m unhappy. It’s quite the opposite. Every once in a blue moon, when the person I care about deeply rears her head online it all ceases to matter to me. I just think beyond the pain towards a future I deserve first and foremost for myself. And that starts with me making independent choices for myself no matter how hard they are. And the writing on the wall seems to be clear to not only me. Timing and execution are key. So how long do you suffer until you just give up on what you’ve built and move on?

For the record, moving on to China or New York in March at the latest isn’t something I’m particularly unprepared for. The general feeling I get from this city is either it doesn’t want me around or doesn’t particularly care. It projects this message that is both intentional and frustratingly vague. It’s abusive simply put. And to suffer through that alone is something I’ve become very good at. I am an only child. I suffered intense bullying growing up. There were times when I snapped. Every time I’ve gotten angry it makes me look uglier. And yet every time I’ve gotten angry it’s for a very good reason. I show my ID and people make fun of how violent and mean I look. I get treated like a criminal and worse. I feel both useless and famous at the same time. Nobody has the humanity enough to connect and look me in the eyes. Unless it’s after almost getting run over in my neighborhood. If I leave that culture leaves with me. And that’s mostly what people here in Chicago want. They can’t stand people who do their own thing. They judge themselves against it. They compare and neg. They bring everyone down to their mediocrity under the guise of us all being in this together. But it’s really just there isn’t enough money and opportunity to go around. And they want total control of the limited resources available. This includes human capital. I often feel these days like I’m in some open air slave market. That I’m supposed to know my place and get with the program. It’s so disturbingly fractured in two camps. One camp wants nothing but to get me out of their hair. And the other doesn’t want to admit how shady and organized the targeting has been. The Midwest always likes to think “it can’t happen here.” Until it does and no one wants to face the beast in the eye. When you’ve conquered the bosses and they never concede, how do you even win at the game they control? To be clear, I can just leave. I can take a flight to New York and find a shitty job. I can find a room and be away from these people. I can take a flight to Shanghai and apply for any number of multinationals. I can do all of this because I have self respect for myself. What I cannot do is be treated like less than human in a city that I gave my life to. It’s a fucking mess here. My life is not a mess. My life for the first time in as long as I can remember is more in control than ever. And the loose ends are people who have no right to pry, judge or intimidate. And this is just life. Those people don’t go away. My friends here did. How convenient is it to have everyone turn their back on me? Everybody except you. Yes, all of you here. But most importantly the person I’ve written these for years on end. You know I’ll be okay. And you know things take time. But the time here in this city has been wasted. And there’s nothing much I’m holding onto except a leaky roof over my head with busted tiles and the books I have left. The baggage I’m leaving behind are the people who never cared to make room for the people that do. I also don’t have a problem with throwing it all in the trash. Just look at all the shit Allied Universal security and ABM threw out from my office without a care or a call. I don’t even know where that went. And neither do I really care about anything in my past at this point. I just have to survive the rest of 2020 until I get to a place where I can be free. And it’s not so lonely knowing you see it too. <3 Tim

0 notes

jeanquennie · 5 years

Photo

I have never understood why my parents constantly push us to be as productive and hardworking as we can be, only to realize it after their never-ending childhood stories.

My parents would usually tell us how, at a very young age, they would have to work and be of help to their parents. My mom said before the sun rises, they should be done with all the work assigned to them and if you wake up late, you will surely be spanked. She was used to being productive since she was a child. She would help her dad in the fields and her mom in selling good food, rasyon as she calls them, in schools.

I guess this explains the fact that it has been very hard for me to drag my parents to go into a vacation. All their lives, since they were children, they never got to enjoy much of leisure time. Their extra time was devoted for work. Although they got to play outside and enjoy, most of their childhood memories, especially my mom’s, revolve around the work they had to do.

Now that the generation and time has been passing, my mom slowly understands the value of rest and how it really do affects the mental health. She now understands that our generation is different and that how they used to live before isn’t really as effective as it was before. To her, as long as we do our best in school, still put our eyes on our goals, she’d be happy to make time for a little vacation.

I think aside from the productivity and the working hard factor, another intergenerational pattern that run in our family is the tough love that comes with tough discipline. I remember before, my dad would be so strict about everything... literally, everything. He would spank us whenever we’d be stubborn not to sleep at noon, spank whenever we don’t want to finish our food, or spank just whenever we do something wrong.

For me, that type of discipline was helpful. Although I admit I had a huge grudge for my father growing up. But also with that huge grudge was him becoming loose, until such time he said, him and my mom are our first barkada. I guess I wouldn’t be as proper, as obedient, and as responsible I am now if it weren’t for that system. Tough love was effective in that I learned how to be more responsible of my actions. Although it made me more afraid to try on new things, more like afraid to fail, I still think a little amount of that is safe to be the daughter they want me to be—the ideal daughter I want to become.

How I was raised taught me to be more careful with life. I was careful to make mistakes so as not to be spanked by life. I think my parents made a right decision to not let any other people take care of us as we were growing up. Unlike my cousins who grew up with our aunt, my dad made sure him and my mom would be the ones who would raise us. Even though it was hard for my parents, since my mom was working, they made it work.

My mom said when she had to go to work, she would leave us to our dad and my dad would take care of me and my brother. When my dad goes to fetch her from work, we would be there in the car, trying to read everything we could, like plate numbers. She also mentioned that as young as we were, we were already trained to be independent, like in eating, despite being with our parents wherever we go.

Relating it to Erikson’s stages of Development, I see the Trust vs Mistrust stage on the part where my parents made it a point that they were the ones to take care of us. The fact that we had the same routine everyday of being left with our dad, fetching my mom, and then being with my mom when my dad goes off to work, we have developed a trust to our parents that they will soon be with us, and that we will be left with either our mom or our dad.

I believe that I had gone through the stage of Autonomy vs Shame and Doubt and Initiative vs Guilt when my mom told me that early on, I would try to act like an adult by being so feminine, using lipstick and such, as if I was so excited to grow up. I took responsibility with my actions and would carry on a pink bag with a pink top and a pink skirt, and with my high heels on, strutting into the world as if I was Barbie.

If I were to rate the first five stages based on Erikson’s theory, I would say I had learned to trust my mom that I would rate it an 8. I can’t say I have fully trusted my mom to always be there for us because she may be there throughout the firsts of our lives but going into pre-school, I had to learn how to be more independent, as I’d have to braid and tie my own hair, go to school activities alone, even walk into my classroom alone on the first day of school. I can’t depend on my dad because he didn’t get too involved in this aspect of my life. I’d always have to force my mom to leave work and be with me, only for her to be late and I end up upset.

I’d say tho that with the next two stages, I am an expert. I would rate myself a 9.5 because I have been ordering myself and doing self-regulation very well as I was trained by circumstances. This though helped me to have good self-efficacy too. With the stage of Industry vs Inferiority, I guess before I thought I could be a 10. I was at the top of my class, always. first honors, no grade lower than 92, always praised by the teachers, class officer, always a leader, part of the student council, joined a lot of quizbees and contests, I basically saw myself based on what I can do. I never saw myself incompetent, it didn’t occur to me that I have low self-esteem. But then, growing up, this changed.

Currently being in the stage of Identity vs Role Confusion, with the many roles I have, I guess I am in the middle of a struggle. Right now, I’d say I’m a 6 or a 7 at this stage. I am still figuring out my values and ideologies. With my self-esteem, it seems like a roller coaster that sometimes I’d feel self-efficient, but most days, especially when exposed to the world where more and more people are better than I am.

Learning about these stages though, help me understand that I may not be there yet, but I will get there. I will reach the phase where I am clear of who I am and when I finally understand myself, I would be prepared of being out in the world without the fear of losing myself.

0 notes

namjoonsheaux · 7 years

Text

Out of everyone in my family I feel the biggest rift is between my dad and I, though I bet my mom begs to differ… it’s the result of a mass of conflicting ideologies n believes he’s too old n broken n stubborn to change and I’m too young n sensitive n aware to look past- But when I was little he was my Dad and I was a his Daughter, I feel like I was closer w him bc Sophia was younger n she was a quiet kid, I was older and had more of a brighter personality at home, I asked more questions….but I also know it’s bc we were probably more alike than I’d like to admit my dad n me I also think I repressed how close I was to my mom, she came to the us when I was 6 n I lived two yrs without her - I don't have strong memories of her from before I turned 6 (maybe a psychological coping mechanism so my childhood self could stand the distance between us) and that makes me sad but I think it would make my mom sadder so I've never mentioned it, My Dad n I would get up at 6am when we lived in surco, take a colectivo to barranco- it was only 2 soles and we would walk around go to mercados, buy corn kernel n feed the pigeons by the park or by the church ... early mornings were Ours and we would make it back before Sophia woke up. Did u know Peru had two school schedules ? Morning and afternoon - we always had the afternoon slot from 12-6 pm It's one thing to get mad at my dad when he's drunk n says hateful shit about my mom n her family n our money situation his racism his colorism and his ugly anti-immigrant opinions on politics despite us being undocumented - he's drunk we pretend he doesn't know any better and he pretends he doesn't remember us yelling and being angry at him ... but what about when he's sober n I Know he means it all ? Without remorse My mom's mad at him right now- Sophia n I fake neutrality but really we side w my mom- we mediate or at least we try our best Two saturdays ago we were leaving to go babysit- I'm about to back out of the driveway when Sophia asks me why my dad was crying- he wasn't - yes he was- we're late but I'll go check. I find him in his usual spot bc the couch is His now, he's has one beer not enough to cloud his judgement but enough to cry, I hug him and he cries and I feel 22 I feel like an adult and I feel like I'm comforting him as I hug him, I'm consoling the way I do the babies I babysit - he's sad bc he can't find a job bc he knows he's a burden but he cant change it .... I tell him he has to start w his heart , he has to cleanse his mind it's too dark too cold - but I'm decades of abuse and sadness n abandonment too late- he can't change he can't I Know and he Knows but we pretend for both our sakes bc it's the first tender n supportive moment we have had in yrs m, so I tell him I'll help him..... I had a dream my mom n my sister died- I wake up sobbing- I go to Sophia's room and I cry bc I love them so much I would cease to Be without them I Know it. My dad comes to say good morning , he wasn't in my dream - but he's been before . When I was younger I would wake up crying bc he died in my dream I would sob for him , I would go to my parents room and fall asleep in between them - the last time I was 17. I feel my dad's mortality and i feel the limited time I have w him n my mom I want Time w them I wanna Spend time w then... i ask him if he plays chess, he says he used to play a lot but is rusty. that night I look at chess sets on amazon n I find the one I want- I have to save up the $20 so we can play so we can be Together- he won't feel alone and it'll make me feel happy knowing I brightened his day by spending time how we used to.... I take my mom to work bc the 15 minute drive w my dad is unbearable bc of how hateful he is about everything how shameless n selfish he is w her takes a toll on her - I feel bad for the both of them for different reasons... my mom yells at him he says nothing bc he knows I'm listening he knows I don't stand for his insults towards her - he uses the baby voice we talk in: "wanna go get breakfast when u come back? I'll be our secret" it's a game we play were in still his Daughter and he's my Dad- he takes a risk by asking he knows that and I Know I shouldn't catch the bait but I do He's sober he's saying horrible things the look in his eyes isn't glazed - he means it all - he's not right , he's not nice he's hateful ... he's my dad ... I'm his daughter but that's that ... he can't change .... he "hurts" bc he can't find a job and not even five minutes later he suggests I find a job soon bc it's time to Support my family I have to step up ... as if I haven't given $15k of my own credit for my family ... as if I didn't double major double minor n get three certificates in 4 yrs all for them ... as if I don't plan on studying another 3 yrs for a career I'm not completely interested in - for them .... he uses my mom as an excuse - exploits and appropriates her struggle as his own - im disgusted im numb - he rambles on and on about how twisted her family is - he speaks ill of her parents who are both dead ... I'm speechless my tongue is tied - why did he bring me out for this- why did I waste calories on eating w him when I knew Better .... My amazon cart is empty - I can't play chess by myself

#s thoughts

3 notes · View notes

awalkbesideme · 6 years

Text

The awakening

The title seems too intense for the write up, but I feel it was necessary. I was in NYC over the weekend and trust me it was a pain to reach. After 8 long hours in the bus and missing the office olympics it sure brought up my expectations to a new level altogether.

After spending Saturday, I realized what my mom meant when she said I was too young to have known the world. I have been so naive and uni-directional in my way of thinking that I forgot the world is very different. I have always been the person who is stubborn about his principles and choices. I also realize that I think if someone chooses another ideology that conflicts with mine, I think they are wrong. Just something I have realized over time.

I am very stubborn when it comes to principles and the reason why I am fixated with them is because I do not think they are wrong in any case. I believe it is the right thing to do in life. I do not find the alternative agreeable. Like one of the people I met had a dream about settling in London because it is a good city and it has amazing cars. I was just staring at him in return, looking for something more significant. This was coming from a US citizen who was making good money and living in NYC. I just feel so annoyed when people have pointless dreams. One life! Make it count.

Even these two have nothing but redundant ambitions. Again, it is just by my standards. When one of them mentioned that money and looks is what it eventually comes down to when choosing a life partner, I was just crest fallen. I strongly believe that there is nothing more superior than love on the earth and this generation just believes otherwise. It pained me to see that how shallow they are. Agreed they are just themselves and I cannot judge the lot, but then it is true as well. I mean of course looks and money matters, but how could one choose them over the kind of person they are?

No matter what, someone would choose Nirav Modi’s son to get married over some guy working in TCS. Right? I felt so weak then. No matter what I do I cannot beat some fancy south bombay dude. I refuse to believe Pari would fall into this description, but sometimes I fear. I would too want her to live like a queen. But I want to build the palace for her. I aspire for that. I doubt she will choose a guy just for the money. I just could not have misjudged her so much.

0 notes