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artificialqueens · 4 years

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It's Nice to Have a Friend, Chapter Two (Branjie) - Holtzmanns

(read on ao3) (word count: 8307)

Brooke shrugs. “I did a little research a few months ago. Google was useless, not really much on sharing dreams with another person, no pages on Reddit or any Facebook groups or anything like that. Nothing really relevant and recent. But…there were a lot of myths. Legends.”

Vanessa looks down at Brooke, the moments of her hand pausing. “Myths?”

“Yeah. And in all sorts of cultures, stories about people meeting in dreams over and over again and finding each other in the awake world. Soulmates, almost. They’d become close friends, some would even…get together. Find each other outside of their dreams and get married, so they could be together forever.” Brooke whispers the last part, and Vanessa feels her breath hitch in her throat.

“Wow. Falling in love and everything, huh?”

“Something like that.”

AN: Thank you all so much for the love on the first chapter! I’m so glad it was enjoyable to read and hope you enjoy this second chapter just as much. It’s quite a bit longer, but it didn’t feel right to break it up anywhere so here it is, in all of its 8k glory. Enjoy and tell me what you think! Thank you writ for betaing and talking it through with me as always <3

Vanessa had a lot of time to think on her bus ride to see Brooke, with endless buildings and bus stops and intersections passing by through the window. She had wondered what it would be like, finally seeing Brooke in person. Brooke, alive and breathing and in front of her and most importantly, awake.

But now that they’re here, now that Brooke’s in front of her?

It feels normal. It feels like them.

Brooke has twenty five minutes until her lyrical solo and her coach is letting Vanessa sit with the team. How couldn’t she, when Brooke had acted her heart out and explained that Vanessa used to be her next door neighbour, of course, one who had moved away from Toronto and all the way to Miami and now they finally have the chance to reunite?

It had been an easy sell.

Vanessa has to push the rising feelings of inadequacy down in her chest, being surrounded by girls in tracksuits that cover up their sparkly costumes, whose eyes bat with fake lashes. She feels a little underdressed in her jeans and her docs and her backpack, but it’s okay, really, because Brooke’s still looking at her with an aura of awe and wonder.

“I wish I wasn’t in this clown makeup for our first meeting.” Brooke’s cheeks are dusted with red, the bashfulness a rare sight on her but one that makes Vanessa’s heart melt.

Vanessa nudges her arm. “I like it. Makes you look all fancy and like a singer or something.”

“Does not.” Brooke wrinkles her nose, pointing to the glitter that’s spilling onto her tracksuit. “I look like Edward Cullen with these sparkles.”

“So you’re telling me you’ve been a vampire this whole time?” Vanessa’s quip has the intended effect of making Brooke giggle, releasing the tension in her shoulders.

Being around Brooke makes Vanessa expect to see a dragon around the corner, a unicorn down the hall. Because when they’re dreaming anything is possible, all sorts of plot twists that the two of them take in stride. Right now, though, sitting in a convention hall on plastic chairs that squeak whenever they move, Vanessa feels a different kind of magic. The way that Brooke’s head is resting in her lap, the rise and fall of her chest reminds Vanessa that she’s really here. Neither of them are going to wake up in their own beds, countries and hours apart from each other. Vanessa can just reach out and Brooke’s hand is right there, immediately squeezing hers back when she grabs it and the resulting calm that blooms in Vanessa’s chest serves as a reminder that Brooke truly is comfort. Home in a person.

Her best friend.

“I still can’t believe your coach and your team think I’m your ex-neighbour.” Vanessa snickers, because the fact that they’ve pulled this off is still a little surreal.

Brooke grins up at her. “As if they’d believe the actual truth. Would anybody, really?”

“True that.” Vanessa can’t help the sigh that leaves her lips as she looks down at Brooke, running her fingers along the detailing on Brooke’s jacket.

Alexis had been wrong, back in the day. Brooke’s real, Brooke’s here in Miami and she’s a living, breathing, person, not a figment of Vanessa’s imagination. Vanessa knows that Brooke’s had the same problem, getting people to believe her, and now the two of them have gotten to the point that it’s easier just to not mention their connection.

Who else is going to understand exactly what they’re going through, anyway?

“Do you think there’s anyone else? Like us?” Vanessa can’t help the question, because she’s never really thought about it. It’s always just been her and Brooke, but maybe there’s other people with their own dream friends. But if such a thing is more common, wouldn’t they know about it?

Vanessa looks down at Brooke, the moments of her hand pausing. “Myths?”

“Wow. Falling in love and everything, huh?”

“Something like that.”

Damn. Now that Vanessa thinks about it, her and Brooke would make a cool movie. Even if they’re just best friends, but still. It’s quite a story.

“Does that mean we’ll be cool enough to be a legend or a myth centuries from now?” Vanessa asks, and Brooke grins at the question.

“I gotta say, you are pretty unforgettable.”

“Right answer.”

Vanessa cheers the loudest during Brooke’s solo, because watching her dance is art in motion, a bit of magic. It doesn’t matter that Vanessa’s seen the numbers for the competition a million times because Brooke’s been practicing in their dreams, because there’s always something new that takes Vanessa’s breath away.

“What did you think?” Brooke is breathless, her eyes alight and Vanessa can’t help but pull her into a hug.

“Perfect, as usual.”

“You’re biased.”

“Am not.” Vanessa looks up at Brooke, still nestled in her arms because the hug is comfortable. “I’m an extremely fair judge.”

“I don’t believe that one bit.”

But Brooke’s eyes are twinkling as she says it, and Vanessa’s not sure if she imagines the way Brooke snuggles in for a second before letting go.

The beeping of Vanessa’s watch makes them both jump, and Vanessa’s face falls because it’s the alarm that she’d set this morning, marking the time she has to head for the bus to get home in time without arousing too much suspicion. But she’s not ready to leave, and even though she’s going to see Brooke that night in their dream, it’s still too soon.

She doesn’t want it to end.

“I have to go.” Vanessa doesn’t mean to pout, really, because she’s not a kid anymore, but she can’t help it, not when it feels as if she’s only just gotten here.

Except that Brooke’s face is mirroring hers, and the slump in her shoulders lets Vanessa know that she’s not the only one who’s disappointed.

“I’ll miss you.”

“Miss you, too.”

“But see you tonight?” And Brooke’s smiling again, hopeful and Vanessa can’t help but grin, too.

“Duh.”

Vanessa is fourteen and she wants to learn magic like Willow and Tara on Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

She’s marathoning the show with Silky and Kiki, mostly because Silky wants to watch it for one of the vampire characters. It’s hard not to be sucked in to the show, though, not when Willow and Tara are the only two who are interested in witchcraft and learn spells together and hang out, just the two of them in Tara’s dorm room.

The two characters remind Vanessa of her and Brooke - the friendship, the shared secret bond over something that no one else has. Vanessa almost wishes that she could fast forward the scenes with the other characters, get back to Willow and Tara because they’re the most interesting, after all, at least to her.

The episode that they’re on has Vanessa at the edge of her seat, despite the way Silky is munching on popcorn and Kiki is texting beside her. Because on screen, Willow is upset and Tara is comforting her and…

Oh.

“Woah.” Vanessa barely registers when the word leaves her mouth in a breath, because her eyes are still wide and focused on the way that Willow and Tara are…kissing.

They’re kissing.

Vanessa’s never seen two girls kiss on screen before but she can’t look away, not when Tara is holding Willow’s face so gently and she’s not sure why her cheeks are feeling all warm, her palms sweaty as they grip the bowl of trail mix on her lap for dear life. The characters break apart and the episode continues on but Vanessa has no idea what happens, because the kiss is on a loop in her brain, playing over and over again until it’s all she can see when she closes her eyes.

She bikes home from Kiki’s house that evening in a daze, because Willow and Tara kissed. They’re best friends and they kissed and it was absolutely perfect.

Are they in love? Will they be together? Can they be together? Is that allowed? Willow’s dated boys on the show but now maybe she’s going to date Tara, and somehow the thought makes Vanessa more excited and breathless than any other plot twist has.

She reaches their dream that night before Brooke does, lying down in a pretty meadow covered in flowers and staring up at the clouds, trying to calm her beating heart that’s been fluttering since the episode.

“Boo.”

“Aah!” Vanessa shrieks, nearly peeing herself from the scare while Brooke cackles behind her, and she huffs, turning around so that she can reach out and tickle her in revenge. Brooke’s resulting screech is enough to spur Vanessa on, tickling her sides until she’s yelling out for mercy.

Brooke giggles, turning to lie on her side as her hair brushes against the daffodils peeking out between the grass. “What a welcome, huh?”

“You’re ridiculous.” Vanessa snorts, pretending to roll her eyes except that something makes her breath hitch in her throat.

Maybe it’s the way Brooke’s smiling at her. Maybe it’s how close the two of them are laying to each other, close enough that the hand of Brooke’s that is trailing along the grass would be able to reach Vanessa.

“How was your day?” Brooke’s voice is soft now that they’re resting on their sides, her eyes kind and open and waiting, and Vanessa wants to scoot closer to her.

She thinks of Willow and Tara, the way they were friends and hung out together and then they kissed and-

No, she can’t think of kissing Brooke, because they’re not like that, they can’t do that, and-

“Nessa?”

“Huh? What?” Vanessa lets out a breath, and Brooke’s staring at her with her brow furrowing in concern and she has to calm her beating heart, because Brooke’s going to think that something’s up.

But nothing is up, not at all. It can’t be.

They’re Vanessa and Brooke, that’s it. Nothing more.

She tries to take the butterflies that are rising up in her chest and tuck them into a little box, push them away into a corner of her mind that she can think about later. Because she doesn’t want Brooke to think she’s acting weird, because she’s not , but she also can’t focus on thoughts like those right now, not when they leave her unable to think of anything else.

Part of Vanessa feels guilty, for thinking of Brooke like that. Imagining what it would be like to kiss her, wrapping her arms around Brooke’s waist and maybe tucking her hair behind her ear. It doesn’t feel wrong, per se, but would Brooke be disgusted and hate her for it? Would she not want to hang out with Vanessa anymore as a result?

Vanessa needs to get a grip. Even if her best friend is as beautiful as always and her lips look soft, if she were to kiss them.

But she needs to stop.

She closes the box on the butterflies, trying to clear her brain and focus on telling Brooke about how she almost got caught passing notes to Kiki in science today.

Vanessa is fifteen and the only one out of her friends who hasn’t had her first kiss, and she can’t help but feel a little behind.

It’s Monique’s birthday and she’s invited them all over but also some of the boys, too, and Kiki and Silky are hell bent on getting Vanessa to have her first kiss tonight.

Not that she wants it, really. Not with any of these guys.

“We’re playing spin the bottle, c’mon Vanj!” Silky drums on Vanessa’s shoulders before grabbing her hand, dragging her to the circle that their friends are beginning to form on the floor.

“I really don’t know if-”

“C’mon, it’ll be fun.” Kiki’s wiggling her eyebrows and Vanessa knows it’s because she’s gunning to kiss Marcus, after having a crush on him for the entire term.

The bottle on the floor makes Vanessa wrinkle her nose every time it gets close to landing on her, though it’s entertaining to watch her friends go at it. Monique and Monet screech for approximately five minutes before kissing each other on the cheek, while Silky kisses Kiki’s crush and makes her sulk for the next twenty minutes until she gets a turn, too. It’s actually kind of fun, until the bottle lands on a boy named Sebastian and then the bottle gets spun again and it lands on…her.

Monique lets out an ooooh and Silky is cheering and the rest of the boys are clapping Sebastian on the back and Vanessa wants to sink into the floor. When she looks at Sebastian’s face, he’s looking a little apologetic and like he doesn’t want to be here, either.

Vanessa had always expected her first kiss to be a magical moment. One where there’s butterflies in her stomach and her head feels all floaty, but this?

This feels a little silly.

The kiss is over in two seconds, and at least Sebastian’s lips don’t feel that gross, but Vanessa can still taste the Mountain Dew that he’s just had a swig from. She shrugs when she sits down again in between Silky and Kiki, making a face when they start to wiggle their eyebrows because really, this can’t be what they’ve all been hyping up for so long.

A tiny part of Vanessa knows, deep down, that she isn’t interested in boys like Sebastian. Though there must be some boy out there that will give her butterflies.

There’s gotta be, right?

Vanessa tells Brooke about it that night in their dream, when they’re on a faraway planet and there’s flying cats in the sky.

“It just felt like we were smashing our faces together.” Vanessa doesn’t intend for her words to come out so grumpy as she reaches out to pet one of the animals, but Brooke cracks up beside her nonetheless.

“That’s pretty much exactly what you were doing.” Brooke plucks one of the kittens out of the sky, cuddling it in her arms and the sight really shouldn’t be as adorable as it is. “Pressing your lips together. Wrestling with your tongues.”

Vanessa shrieks, shaking her head as hard as she can. “Ew! First of all, we did not do that. Second, I think I would barf.”

She doesn’t want to imagine doing that with Sebastian. Gross. No offense to him, but Vanessa’s going to leave him for that girl in their English class who never stops staring at him when they’re all reading Shakespeare out loud as a group.

Brooke shrugs. “I mean, it doesn’t seem all that bad. Some people look like they actually like it.”

“That’s true. Kiki made out with Marcus for like five minutes straight before we had to pull them apart.” Vanessa snorts, shaking her head. “I bet they’ll end up dating in a week or two.”

“I guess it’s fun when it’s with the right person.” Brooke’s voice is uncharacteristically soft, and it makes Vanessa’s gaze linger on her for a second more than usual, and the familiar flip flop in her chest starts to rise again, the feeling that she’s normally so good at pushing away to think about at a later time.

Vanessa wouldn’t say that it’s a crush. It’s not. Because Brooke is her best friend, and she can’t have a crush on her best friend. She’s known Brooke since their dreams consisted of eating cotton candy and talking about their elementary school problems, and it’s not right. She can’t like Brooke that way.

Maybe if Vanessa tells herself that enough, her heart will start to believe it, too.

“Have you had a kiss like that before?”

Vanessa’s a sucker for punishment, because she can’t help herself from asking. Not when there’s a chance that maybe Brooke has, maybe she even has a crush on someone in her life. But she’d tell Vanessa if she did, right?

“Me? Nah.” Brooke shrugs, letting go of the cat in her arms so that it can climb onto a nearby tree branch. “I’ve only kissed two boys and both were…”

Vanessa leans in closer, raising an eyebrow when Brooke trails off. “Both were what?”

“Mediocre? Not that great? I don’t know.”

“I guess they weren’t the right ones, then.” Vanessa mumbles, because what else can she say, really?

She can’t say how much she really wants to kiss Brooke. How she wants to see if the butterflies in her stomach will increase tenfold if she did. If wrapping her arms around Brooke is going to make her feel giddy inside.

Vanessa feels like she’s speaking in code, having to disguise the subtext that threatens to spill out and it’s hard, because part of her just wants to blurt it out, let it be known but the other half of her is terrified. Because telling Brooke how she feels could maybe ruin their friendship, all of their memories and their dreams and how does she even know that Brooke feels the same way? Maybe Brooke would be uncomfortable, not even know how to properly reject her and then it would make their dreams awkward and Brooke would have to avoid her for the rest of their lives?

It’s too much of a risk, no matter how much Vanessa’s heart is aching for it.

Vanessa’s sixteen and has just gotten her learner’s permit and she’s excited to tell Brooke about it.

Except that Brooke’s news is bigger.

Brooke has a boyfriend.

It’s okay, it really is, because Brooke is happy and telling her about their first date and about how they saw a movie and how he kissed her cheek when he dropped her off at the end.

“His name is Paul.” Brooke says, and Vanessa sincerely hopes that she is imagining the dreamy look that’s taking over her face.

What kind of name is Paul, anyway? It sounds like the name of a middle-aged man who’s an accountant and plays golf every weekend before coming home to his wife, Susan, and their two kids.

Paul sounds stupid.

“That’s nice.”

Vanessa doesn’t mean to sound so glum, and she tries to plaster an encouraging smile on her face, because good for Brooke, really. She hasn’t dated anyone before and maybe she’s happy in this new relationship and that’s a good thing, right? At least Brooke is happy.

Doesn’t mean Vanessa is any less grumpy about it, though. And the shitty thing is that she can’t even explain why, not to her mom or to Kiki and Silky because how can she even explain Brooke without sounding like a lunatic? Her mom still thinks that Brooke is her imaginary friend from childhood, and Vanessa knows that telling her friends that her best friend lives in her dreams is not exactly going to be believable.

So all she can do is sulk to herself.

It’s annoying, though, seeing all the happy couples in the cafeteria holding hands and even Kiki texting Marcus all the time, because it feels like Vanessa just can’t get away from it. It’s nauseating, especially when the couples kiss against the lockers and Vanessa has to see tongue and honestly? She hates romance.

Well, that’s a lie, because Vanessa’s watched Titanic approximately forty seven times, but when it comes to real life and something she’ll never be able to have? Romance can suck it.

Vanessa tries not to think about Paul when Marcus buys Kiki’s lunch for her, and when the girls at the table beside theirs in the cafeteria start talking about their weekend plans with their boyfriends. The fact that Paul gets to do all of it with Brooke?

It sucks.

Maybe if Vanessa had said something to Brooke earlier, mentioned the fact that hey, she has a big fat crush which is getting more and more impossible to ignore, maybe Paul wouldn’t be in the picture. Maybe Brooke would be interested in Vanessa, too, and want to date her.

Or maybe Brooke would be understandably freaked out and never want to hang out with her or be her friend anymore. Could go either way.

Vanessa knows that the risk is too high, that she can’t lose her friendship with Brooke because it’s the most important thing in the world, but this alternative? Watching as Brooke dates other people and lives her best life while being hopelessly single and across the continent? It’s hard. Real freaking hard.

The end of the day is almost a blessing, because at least it’s Friday and Vanessa can sulk at home for two days, free of the nauseating couples that line the hallways and away from the faux sympathetic looks from Kiki and Silky when they tell her that she’ll find a boyfriend, too, she’ll see. The slam of her locker before as she hoists her backpack over her shoulder is cathartic, the noise barely heard over the noise filling the corridor.

The expectant face on the other side of the locker door, though, nearly makes Vanessa jump out of her skin.

“What the fuck?”

Sebastian’s expression goes from charming to apologetic, his face sheepish as he scratches the back of his head. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to scare you.”

“What do you want?” Vanessa really doesn’t care what Sebastian has to say, not when her couch is waiting for her with a bag of Cheetos and Gilmore Girls reruns.

But Sebastian is undeterred, keeping pace with Vanessa as she pushes through the hallway. “So. The spin the bottle kiss.”

Vanessa stops, nearly bumping into him. Cold dread sinks down onto her shoulders as possibilities for what Sebastian’s about to say circle through her mind. Does he want to date her? Is he going to say that he wants to kiss her again? Worst of all, is he going to say that she’s a bad kisser?

She’s only kissed one person so far, but she hopes that she isn’t.

“We did some great teamwork there.” Sebastian shoots finger guns, actual finger guns at her and Vanessa snorts, starting to walk once more.

“I’m not interested in repeating that performance.”

Though Sebastian’s reply is quick. “Not what I’m here to ask.”

“Oh?” It’s enough to make Vanessa stop again, and let Sebastian catch up with her.

“Listen. My friends won’t stop trying to set me up with people. Doesn’t matter if I tell them I’m not interested right now. They just want us all to have girlfriends and don’t really care that I don’t.”

Vanessa raises an eyebrow. “How is that my problem?”

“You telling me your friends aren’t doing the same thing?” Sebastian asks, and Vanessa sighs, because he’s right. “I know you’re not interested in me, which is great. I’m not interested in you either.”

“Okay?” Vanessa’s about to walk again again, because the conversation truly feels as if it’s going nowhere.

“It’s easy to see that you’re watching the cheerleaders rather than the football players on game nights.” Sebastian continues, and Vanessa freezes, because what?

“I am not!” So maybe Vanessa crosses her arms a little too soon, and her voice is a bit indignant, because Sebastian’s shooting her a look and how the fuck does he even know? “Does anyone else know?”

Sebastian shrugs. “Not my secret to tell, that’s yours. I got shit to hide too. But one way we can both keep things under wraps for a little while longer? Working together.”

“What does that even mean?” Vanessa can feel her cheeks heat up, because the fact that Sebastian can tell, the fact that he knows means that maybe others can tell and what if they already know and-

“We pretend to date. No funny business, promise. I don’t want that either. But then my friends won’t bother me about getting a girlfriend and your friends won’t bother you about a boyfriend, and we can look straighter than the meter stick in Mrs. Sanchez’s math room.” Sebastian shrugs. “Think about it. Let me know. And don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone. As long as you don’t either.”

Sebastian’s a good twenty yards away from her before Vanessa’s able to move her legs from where they’re rooted to the spot, her grip on her backpack straps a little sweaty. The pounding of her heart only spurs her thoughts faster, because Sebastian knows. Someone in her school knows that she’s not straight, and she hasn’t even told anyone on purpose yet.

Fuck.

But Sebastian had said that he has something to hide, too. Does that mean…he’s not straight, either?

Vanessa’s still not sure if she wants to do it, though. Pretend to date someone for the sake of their friends. How will it even work, anyway? Will they have to hold hands and do fake PDA and will Vanessa have to pretend to be obsessed with him?

She’s torn about it that evening, throwing the options back and forth because maybe it could be good, having a fake boyfriend. Not having to worry about anyone bothering her about dating someone.

It could also keep people from realizing that she’s…

Well. Realizing exactly what Sebastian has realized about her.

But if she does say yes, it’ll be a true test of her acting abilities. Trying not to roll her eyes every five minutes when they have to pretend to be as nauseatingly adorable as the rest of the couples in their grade.

Vanessa’s dream that night is in her kitchen, of all places, flipping pancakes at the stove while Brooke cuts up fruit and arranges it on their plates in the shape of smiley faces. Maybe she should tell Brooke about what Sebastian’s proposed. Maybe she’ll get a kick out of it.

“So Paul wants to take me to the fair this weekend, y’know, those ones with the ferris wheel and those games that you play to win prizes. He said he’ll win me one of the giant stuffed animals.”

Gross.

In that instant, Vanessa’s decided what she wants to do. What she’s going to say to Sebastian.

“That’ll be fun. Speaking of boys,” Vanessa keeps her tone light as she piles another pancake on the stack beside her, before pouring more batter into the pan, “guess who has a boyfriend?”

The way Brooke’s jaw goes slack almost makes it worth it. “What? Who?”

Vanessa shrugs, trying to contain the satisfaction rising in her chest because Brooke looks like she’s about to combust. “Sebastian wore me down.”

“I thought you said the spin the bottle kiss wasn’t that great?” Brooke’s tone is suspicious and Vanessa makes a noncommittal noise, as if Brooke isn’t absolutely right.

“Gotta say, the butterflies are definitely there when we kiss now.” It’s a lie, a bold-faced lie, and Vanessa knows it.

Brooke’s nose wrinkles as if she’s smelled something terrible. “Really?”

“Really.” Not really, but Brooke doesn’t need to know that. “I get why you’re so excited about Paul now.”

Brooke pauses, and it seems as if Vanessa’s truly left her speechless. Excellent.

Now Vanessa has the chance to really put the icing on the cake. “Imagine if we lived closer to each other. We could double date!”

Brooke turns positively green. “Yeah, I guess we could.”

The pancakes they eat in the dream are truly delicious, something Vanessa wishes she could have the next morning for breakfast when she wakes up. Except that the satisfaction of the dream fades, a little, as she tries to think about what everything actually means.

Sure, Vanessa’s doing exactly what Brooke’s doing. Not exactly, because she’s not really dating Sebastian, but now she doesn’t have to feel weird when Brooke starts waxing on about Paul, because then she can bring up Sebastian.

Which leads her to another factor - Brooke’s reaction. Brooke had looked stricken at the news, rather than happy for her, the way Vanessa was trying to be when Brooke had told her about Paul. Vanessa had hidden her true feelings.

Does it mean something that Brooke couldn’t? What does the reaction she had even mean?

If Brooke is jealous the way that Vanessa knows that she herself is, then she wouldn’t be straight up dating a guy. She wouldn’t already have a boyfriend. Except that Brooke does, which means that she likes Paul. Not Vanessa.

Maybe Brooke just thinks that Vanessa can do better, which she’d be right about. The only problem is, the only ‘better’ that Vanessa wants is Brooke.

Vanessa really enjoys making things harder for herself, she truly does.

Vanessa’s only sixteen, but the weird vibes between her and Brooke make her feel as if she’s aged a few decades in the last week or so.

It’s mostly fine and dandy. The two of them are still exploring and having adventures and doing the fun things in their dreams that they always do, but then Brooke mentions Paul, and Vanessa mentions Sebastian, and Brooke gets all short and snippy and none of it really makes sense at all.

If Vanessa’s being honest, she doesn’t mind spending time with Sebastian. He likes watching The Bachelorette too and is always ready to talk about it with her, and tells her about his best friend’s brother who he may or may not have a crush on but can’t do anything about.

Vanessa tells him a little bit about Brooke, too. She keeps it vague at first, mentioning Brooke as a friend of hers who doesn’t live in their city anymore, but then it just slips out when Vanessa accidentally mentions a dream where they explored a jungle. But Sebastian surprisingly takes it in stride.

“That’s totally out of a movie. Damn. I want a dream boyfriend. My dreams usually just consist of me being unable to find my clothes in the morning and having to come to school in my boxers.” Sebastian makes a face. “Never that well received in the dream.”

Vanessa can’t even laugh at his statement, not when Sebastian is munching on his fries as if the information doesn’t surprise him at all. “Wait. You actually believe me? You don’t think I’m lying?”

Sebastian shrugs. “I dunno, seems like it would be a weird thing to lie about. So it’s gotta be true. Also I want it to be true and I want a dream soulmate, so there’s that. Now tell me about more of your dreams.”

It’s nice, having a friend that Vanessa can talk about it with. She tells him about the dreams from when they were kids and how they’ve changed but also stayed the same as they’ve grown older. She shows him the pictures that they’d taken on Brooke’s disposable camera back when Brooke had come for her competition, the ones that she keeps in her school binder so that she doesn’t ever lose them.

Sebastian lets out a whistle. “Geez. You gotta move to Canada or something and be with her. Even if our fake relationship ends? That’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.”

Vanessa snorts. “So noble. I can’t date her, though.”

“What?! Why?” Sebastian almost looks offended, and Vanessa has to hold back a sigh.

“‘Cause she has a boyfriend. Named Paul.”

“Gross, what is he, an insurance salesman?” Sebastian makes a face and Vanessa nods frantically because dang, he gets it.

“I’m saying! But ‘cause of that, we ain’t together. Also ‘cause she doesn’t like me like that.”

Vanessa doesn’t mean to sound so glum as she says it, but the truth of it feels like a brick in her stomach. There’s always been a tiny part of her that hopes, wants Brooke to feel the same way. The part of her that wonders if there’s a reason that Brooke always grabs her hand, and if Brooke looks at all of her friends with such a soft expression.

But Brooke has a boyfriend, so she can’t like Vanessa, and it’s something that Vanessa has to come to terms with, no matter how much she doesn’t want to.

“Maybe Paul is her beard, too.” Sebastian snickers. “Maybe both of you are playing chicken.”

Vanessa scoffs. “Why does she rave about him, then?”

“What, you don’t rave about me? I’m hurt.” Sebastian pretends to pout, and Vanessa rolls her eyes.

“You wish.”

Brooke is acting differently though, and it’s something that Vanessa can’t deny anymore. Not when she stops bringing up Paul, which is a nice reprieve in itself, but Vanessa becomes more hesitant to bring up Sebastian, too, even when he ate an entire hot dog in two bites at lunch which in Vanessa’s opinion was absolutely hilarious. But some things don’t seem worth sharing, not when they’ll make Brooke huff, and it feels easier to just enjoy her time with Brooke in their dreams focused on just the two of them.

Vanessa is confused one night, though when Brooke is on edge as soon as she reaches their dream, not even paying attention to the giant flowers that seem to be growing from the sky.

“What’s got you all grumpy?” Vanessa tries to climb the stem of the flower above her, swinging herself up onto one of the giant leaves.

Brooke scoffs from her position on the ground, not even trying to climb the stems even though her height would definitely make it easier for her. “I’m not grumpy. What would make me grumpy?”

“You look mighty grumpy to me from up here, all huffing and puffing and crossing your arms as if you’re…wait for it…grumpy.”

Vanessa knows she’s pushing Brooke’s buttons - after all, knowing Brooke for most of her life means that she knows exactly how to do it, too. Brooke’s quick to set off today, though, already beginning to scowl.

“I broke up with Paul.”

The five words made Vanessa’s brain stop working for approximately half a second, the gears coming to a halt. “Wait, you did what?”

“I just said it. I broke up with him.” Brooke looks everywhere except towards her, turning her gaze towards the flowers as if she hasn’t dropped the biggest bombshell possible.

Brooke’s not with Paul anymore. She’s not dating a boy whose name is the equivalent of a paperclip. What’s more, she broke up with him , which has to mean something, right? Except….why?

“But why? I thought you liked him.” Vanessa can’t help it, it’s a genuine question because Brooke seemed happy and seemed to like their stupid dates. What possible reason would she have to break up with Paul?

Why doesn’t she want the guy with the world’s most boring name to date her anymore?

Brooke’a still not looking at her, instead paying attention to the soil underneath her feet. “I don’t know, I just did.”

“That’s not a reason.”

“Why does everything have to have a reason? I can’t get tired of being tied down to a guy?” Brooke starts to climb the stem of the flower next to the one Vanessa’s on, her attention directed towards reaching for the giant leaves.

Tied down. Interesting. Vanessa’s never heard that from Brooke before. She’s seemed weirdly happy with Paul the entire time. But hey, maybe she hasn’t been. What does Vanessa know about their relationship, anyway, when she tries her best to tune it out?

“Is that it? You don’t want to be chained to someone, even if it’s Paul?” Vanessa raises an eyebrow, because the explanation sounds flimsy once she says it out loud.

“Since when do you care about Paul?”

The question makes Vanessa wrinkle her nose. She most definitely does not, although Brooke doesn’t know that. “Just curious. And you’re being weirdly touchy about it.”

Brooke’s not necessarily an open book of a person, but she’s always been willing to share her pages with Vanessa, talking about her hopes and dreams and all the little details of her life that Vanessa feels privileged to hear. It’s nice, to have a sense of familiarity with someone who just gets it because they always have, because they’ve been around for everything since the beginning. Vanessa feels like she barely keeps anything from Brooke because there’s no reason to, and that Brooke’s the same. Except now, it’s like the two of them are on opposite ends of a river that Vanessa doesn’t exactly know how to cross.

“I’m not touchy.” Brooke’s huff and crossing of her arms reminds Vanessa of when they were younger, back in grade school, and has to resist the urge to roll her eyes.

But she drops it, because maybe it doesn’t mean anything. Maybe it’ll come out with time when Brooke is done being pissed about it.

“Whatever you say, grumpy pants.”

Vanessa brings it up to Sebastian when they’re studying in the library one day, whispering over their calculus questions that Vanessa’s only gotten a quarter of the way through.

“Brooke broke up with him. But she didn’t tell me why, even though she seemed weirdly happy dating him. None of this makes sense.” Vanessa drops her head onto her notebook but her brain continues to spin because everything is too confusing when it comes to Brooke.

Sebastian, though, looks at her as if she has two heads. “Doesn’t make sense? It makes perfect sense.”

“How?”

“It’s because Brooke likes you. You said she gets annoyed if you talk about me, right?” Sebastian asks, his fingers tapping on the table with excitement.

Vanessa raises an eyebrow. “Yeah, so?”

“She’s jealous. It’s so clear.” Sebastian says it as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “She thinks that we’re dating, ‘cause she has no idea that there’s a million people I’d rather date first-”

“Bitch, me too, you ain’t special-”

“-And now she’s stuck between a rock and a hard place ‘cause she’s realizing that Peter isn’t all that and that she would rather be with you, except now you’re taken.” Sebastian claps his hands together, grinning. “My god. This drama is the best thing that’s happened all term.”

Vanessa scoffs. “There’s no drama. It’s just your overactive imagination coming up with a story. There’s no proof Brooke even likes me like that.”

“Okay, I haven’t been in your dreams and even I know that that’s full of shit.” Sebastian rubs his temples, closing his eyes before continuing. “Who else has saved your life a million times and in a million different scenarios?”

“Those were during dreams, it doesn’t count-”

“Who else grabs your hand and plays with your hair and kisses your forehead, which, by the way, sounds nauseating?”

“Okay, she does that, yeah, but she could just be doing that as a friend.” Vanessa squeaks out the words because Sebastian looks like he’s about to lose his mind.

“Jesus Christ. I’m infiltrating the next dream and just making you two kiss already.”

Sebastian’s convinced of his words and Vanessa wants to believe them, she really does. There’s nothing she wants more for Brooke to like her, too, for Brooke to feel the same way. Except…what if Brooke doesn’t? What if Vanessa saying something to her makes everything fall to pieces because Brooke is on a completely different wavelength, and finds it weird that Vanessa likes her and never wants to see her again, and-

Vanessa can’t lose Brooke. She can’t.

She needs to wait for more proof.

Vanessa’s turning seventeen tomorrow but she doesn’t feel grown up, not quite yet.

She can drive and she’s starting college next year but she still can’t vote, and she’s technically not an adult for another year. But still, there’s a certain feeling to seventeen. Maybe because it’s the year of being a dancing queen, maybe because it’s one step closer to eighteen. But so far, Vanessa’s a fan of it.

Brooke’s arranged their dream for the night with everything Vanessa likes for her birthday, from life sized Pokémon and a herd of fluffy cats and even conjuring up a dream Rihanna to put on a private concert just for her. Brooke wraps her arms around her as they watch, her chin against Vanessa’s head and Vanessa’s never felt so safe and warm and happy.

“Thank you.” Vanessa mumbles the words, turning around so that she can hug Brooke, bury her face against her.

Brooke kisses the top of Vanessa’s head, squeezes her a little bit tighter. “Anything for you. Not sure if it tops all the magical creatures we met during the dream on my birthday, though. You killed that one.”

“You’re very easy to plan a birthday surprise for. You cry at seeing literally any animal ever.” Vanessa grins, starting to giggle when Brooke flushes crimson.

“They’re all so cute! I can’t help it.”

“You’re cute.”

“Nah, you.”

It’s wild to Vanessa, how easily the words fall from both of their lips. Vanessa still hasn’t said anything to Brooke about wanting anything more because she doesn’t want to ruin anything, but it’s easy to avoid the topic and just hold her hand instead. Brooke allows it, seeking it out herself. She tells Vanessa how much she means to her, as if it’s normal best friend behaviour. Between the two of them? It certainly is. And it’s driving Vanessa crazy.

The dream that night feels like it goes by faster than normal, and maybe it’s because Vanessa doesn’t ever want time like this with Brooke to end. It’s nice to pretend for a little, that maybe they’re together and that’s why they’re holding hands and close to each other, even though she knows the truth. Being on the receiving end of Brooke’s soft gazes is something that Vanessa’s never going to tire of, not when they make her feel so loved.

Vanessa wants to pet the Pokémon before the dream ends and she wakes up but she feels a tug on her hand, and Brooke’s pulling her close before she has a chance to walk away.

“What?”

Vanessa usually prides herself on being able to read Brooke and figure out what she’s going to say before she says it, but right now she’s not so sure. Brooke looks like she’s holding something back, her eyes wide and her breath caught in her throat, and she’s still as beautiful as ever. Vanessa never wants to look away.

“I…” Brooke trails off, biting her lip, and Vanessa takes a slight step forward, as if it’ll make Brooke spit out what she wants to say. “Are you happy?”

What? That’s what Brooke’s asking her?

“Right now, in this dream? I just met Rihanna and we dreamed up some life sized Pokémon, ‘course I’m happy.” Brooke knows what she loves and fiddled with the dream for her birthday, and Vanessa doesn’t want to wake up from it. She’s plenty happy.

Brooke shakes her head, her grip tightening on Vanessa’s hand. “No, not right now. In general. With…Sebastian. With him. Are you happy with him?”

Vanessa can feel her own heart pounding against her ribcage, threatening to escape, and she tucks a lock of hair behind her ear as if it’ll calm her down. “Plenty happy. He’s fun.”

As a friend. He’s fun as a friend who wants nothing more than for her to get together with Brooke. But how does Vanessa tell her that?

“Oh.” Brooke almost seems to deflate, her grip loosening and Vanessa can see the way her expression drops. “Okay.”

Except this is not the way things are supposed to be, she’s not even with Sebastian but Brooke doesn’t know that and she looks like she’s about to pull away. So Vanessa squeezes her hand once, twice, until Brooke’s looking back up at her and she has to ask, she has to know. “Why did you break up with Paul?”

“Ness-”

“Tell me this time.”

It’s hard for Vanessa to keep herself from pleading, because she doesn’t want to put herself and their friendship on the line until she’s absolutely sure and there’s no chance for her to be interpreting this wrong.

She needs proof.

“You already know.” Brooke whispers as she says it, not looking at her but rather at the grass beneath them and Vanessa wants to scream.

“I don’t, I really don’t know ‘cause we keep dancing around it and you know that-”

And just like that, Vanessa’s train of thought stops.

Because Brooke is kissing her, Brooke has her face cradled in her hands and she’s kissing her.

And it’s more than she felt the one time that she kissed Sebastian during spin the bottle. It’s the butterflies that only Brooke can give her but they’re tenfold, about to take flight in her stomach and give her wings of her own because it’s too much, it’s too perfect.

Vanessa goes on her tiptoes so that she can get even closer to Brooke, wrapping her arms around her neck and she gasps into the kiss when Brooke’s arm brackets her waist, because she knows now.

And it’s everything.

When they break the kiss, Brooke’s eyes are wide and her cheeks are pink and her chest is heaving because they’re both trying to catch their breath, and Vanessa can’t stop looking at her. Because Brooke is hers, her person and her soulmate and maybe not just her best friend and Vanessa never wants to have to let her go.

“I know you’re happy with Sebastian, and that’s cool and I’m sorry for kissing you when you’re dating someone else but I had to, and you need to know because I really like you, Ness, I like you more than I can say and our dreams are my favourite part of the day because I get to see you and I hope this doesn’t ruin anything but I couldn’t hold back any longer because it’s torture-”

Vanessa’s the one to kiss Brooke this time, pulling her face close and trying to convey everything that she can’t say with words. When they pull apart she smiles, and Brooke is smiling back and not looking so anxious and maybe, the knots in Vanessa’s chest are undoing themselves, too.

“Sebastian and I aren’t dating.”

The words hang in the air for two, three seconds while Brooke’s brows furrow together. Vanessa can almost see the gears turning in Brooke’s brain and it makes her want to laugh.

“Wait, what?”

“See, having a significant other means that neither of our friends suspect anything. Y’know, the fact that I like girls and he likes guys, and that I actually have a crush on my best friend. Who lives in a different country.”

Vanessa’s heart picks up speed because it’s the first time that she’s said those words out loud, that she likes girls and she’s said them to Brooke, and she’s said that she has a crush on her, and shit. Her mouth really does go faster than her brain. Except Brooke’s sucking a breath in, and there’s a sparkle in her eyes that has to mean that things are going to be okay even though she’s said too much.

“You do?” Brooke’s voice is laced with hope and wonder and part of Vanessa is amazed that Brooke is surprised by it. That she hasn’t already known.

“Wait.” Brooke makes a face, her bottom lip protruding slightly in a frown. “Why didn’t you tell me that you guys weren’t dating?”

“Well, you were dating Paul! What was I supposed to do?” Vanessa huffs, frowning a little when it makes Brooke giggle.

“I didn’t like him that much, anyway. Every time I kissed him, I just pictured you.” Brooke’s tone is sheepish but Vanessa can feel her cheeks warming up.

Brooke’s thought about kissing her, too.

Brooke likes her.

Brooke actually likes her.

“Now you can kiss me for real.” Vanessa grins, and she feels like she’s about to lift off the ground and take flight because she can actually say these words to Brooke now. Because now she knows, has the proof.

Except that Brooke’s wiggling her eyebrows as she grins right back. “Is that your way of asking me for another kiss?”

“Two minutes into me saying I like you and you already have a big head about it-”

When Brooke kisses her, it feels right. Brooke’s arms are home, in the way that she holds her close and the warmth that radiates off of her as both of their hearts beat faster and faster. Vanessa never wants to come up for air because it means that they have to separate, even just for a second, when all she wants is to have Brooke in her grasp forever and ever.

Vanessa’s pulled from the dream in the middle of the kiss when her alarm blares like a siren and she’s not in Brooke’s arms anymore, her hands aren’t in Brooke’s hair but in reality it’s a Thursday morning at seven a.m. and she has school today and now she’s finally seventeen.

Her phone buzzes, and the message makes her face break out into a smile.

Brooke: Happy birthday. Miss you already.

It’s followed by a picture of Brooke in her pyjamas blowing a kiss towards the camera, and Vanessa gets it, the meaning of a soulmate.

For her, it’s a girl in Toronto that knows her better than anyone else in the world ever could.

#rpdr fanfiction #branjie #brooke lynn hytes #vanessa vanjie mateo #lesbian au #soulmate au #holtzmanns

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rpgmgames · 5 years

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May’s Featured Game: Cadeau

DEVELOPER(S): HALFWORLDstudios ENGINE: RPG Maker VX Ace GENRE: Horror, Fantasy, Puzzle WARNINGS: Blood, Mild Gore, Suicide Mentions, Death SUMMARY: Cadeau is an RPG Horror game about a lonely, yet stubborn, young woman named Charlotte-- who finds herself in a world unknown to man, wearing clothes that do not belong to her. Wonderful and tragic events are to follow suit, as all of her greatest wishes come true. However, as these things often go, her happiness does not come without consequence...

Play the beta here!

Our Interview With The Dev Team Below The Cut!

Introduce yourself! Macdev: Greetings and salutations. I'm Mac, writer, artist, and programmer for Cadeau, as well as the founder of Halfworld. I've loved Rpg games since I was about 10, and have been creating them since! Bruno: My name is Bruno and I'm the music composer. I got into game music approx 2 years ago and I've currently made music for a couple of games and other projects, and Cadeau was the first one of them. Aidan: I'm Aidan/kanteramcneil on Tumblr! I'm one of the voice actors, and I'm super excited to be able to follow Cadeau's progress! I've been in the RpgMaker community for a few years now and I adore being able to watch all the devs progress and grow Rindre: Hi I'm Rin! Currently, I'm on an indefinite hiatus, but Big Mac managed to catch me, chain me up to a chair, and make me say stuff about myself against my will. So... I make games, I guess. - Note from macdev: Erm, not true? These accusations are SLANDER and I will not stand for it. WariA: Hello! I’m WaraiA, one of the voice actors of Cadeau — A pleasure to meet you! I will be voicing the oh so mysterious ‘Your Admirer’, so please look forward to listening to my antics ☆〜（ゝ。∂） I am a Japanese/Chinese Australian born citizen, with a tendency to speak in an American accent. Any pronouns are fine for me My most notable role so far has been Harpae from Pocket Mirror, so some of you may be familiar with my voice already! Nothing much has changed — I enjoy cosplaying, role playing, drawing every once in a blue moon, Final Fantasy XIV, and most importantly, catboys (Nael, I’m coming for you, boy) As ‘Your Admirer’ is a rather elusive character, I cannot disclose much. But I do suggest always keeping one eye open throughout your journey

What is your project about? What inspired you to create your game initially? *Macdev: Cadeau is a game about a troubled young woman named Charlotte Émile-- who is a "tomboyish" and bold individual who has been unfortunately presented loneliness by a series of disastrous events. After giving up on companionship, she miraculously receives an affectionate letter from a mysterious person aliased as her "Admirer". This "Admirer" character beckons poor Charlotte to visit them at a mysterious well in the woods, and to come armed with nothing but a strange golden coin. From there, madness ensues. Our protagonist must learn of her past and the events that lead to her misfortune, all while becoming entangled in a family drama rooted in witchcraft, raging years before her unexpected arrival. It is a story about self-love, friendship, acceptance, magic, and all that corny-ness. Sounds fun, right? My initial inspiration was The Witches House. The game was originally meant to be simple, and maybe an hour or 45 minutes long. A simple story, and a straightforward 2-ending path.... How have we managed to get here from that?

How long did you work on your project? *Macdev: Two years, I believe! Its anniversary is April 8th. In the beginning, it was very off and on-- because I was having a difficult time with school and-- as I mention-- organization. So not a whole lot of progress was made then. I'm proud to say I've been chugging quite a bit faster than my previous pace!

Did any other games or media influence aspects of your project? *Macdev: My inspiration would probably lie in Harry Potter/Fantastic Beasts, and Alice returns to madness. As for RPG games? The Witch's House, Havenfell, and Pocket Mirror. As well as many other beautiful artists and creators in the video game community. Overall, my biggest inspiration for this game has got to be the stop-motion movie: Coraline. I even reference the movie once or twice in Cadeau. The tone of Coraline, and the whimsical yet eerie people and creatures within it give me inspiration for this game. It was very much a favorite of mine when I was younger, and that still applies today!

Have you come across any challenges during development? How have you overcome or worked around them? *Macdev: The biggest problem I've run into has been a lack of structure. In the beginning, I hadn't even written out the story halfway. I was just pulling ideas from thin air, going back and forth, and deleting entire concepts-- only to bring them back and re-arrange them as I went. Characters weren't fully dished out; the game didn't even have an ending. This state of creating is fine, but not when you have other people expecting things from you. Thankfully, things are sailing much MUCH smoother than before.

Did any aspects of your project change over time? How does your current project differ from your initial concept? *Macdev: It's absolutely taken a turn from what it was originally! As I say, it was meant to be an extremely short game in the beginning, and now obviously that’s not the case. The goal for Cadeau now is: around 2-3 hours long in playtime, and full of many diverse character types! As well as a storyline that extends far more than face value. Which is in high contrast to the basic, short, immemorable experience that it was going to be.

What was your team like at the beginning? How did people join the team? If you don’t have a team, do you wish you had one or do you prefer working alone? *Macdev: I do have a wonderful, beautiful, talented team working with me on Cadeau. - A composer! (Bruno Buglisi), - As well as voice actors! (WariA as Allete, Aiden/kanteramcneil as The Botanist, and Rindre (who I have definitely not kidnapped...) as The Maiden) I met everyone in the team through volunteer posts-- and I had never done that before-- but it worked very surprisingly well! We worked very quickly together, and we had a very mutual understanding of what each other wanted. It feels good to know I have such talented people helping this game come to fruition. I owe a whole lot to them for helping the game become what it is now.

What was the best part of developing the game? Macdev: Being able to make the world in your head interactable, for sure. Since I was 8, maybe even younger, I have loved writing stories and making art. Webcomics were my main thing as a kid, so story-telling is something I’ve always loved. So, the fact that I can turn my ideas into something someone can experience and interact with is a wonderful feeling. There's nothing more fulfilling, honestly!

Do you find yourself playing other RPG Maker games to see what you can do with the engine, or do you prefer to do your own thing? *Macdev: Very often, actually! I try not to ride too close to the material I see in other games, but I do gain lots of inspiration from my fellow creators! One thing I am laser-focused on, though, is making Cadeau quite unique content-wise. I want it to have very interesting, uncommon puzzles and mechanics that you may not expect from this type of game-- or one of this engine. So far, I think I've achieved this-- so look out for that!

Which character in your game do you relate to the most and why? (Alternatively: Who is your favorite character and why?) *Macdev: My favorite character has got to be The Botanist. At the beginning of the game he has no dialogue, yet still presents such a strong personality. They are kind, thoughtful, and absolutely adorable. Look at that foofy hair! I'm a sucker for it. Their character arc is something I'm excited for. It's been a blast writing it so far-- and I won’t spoil anything-- but you guys will love him. I'm sure of it. Now if we're talking character design, Naël has got to be my favorite. He recently received a “tune-up,” as I would like to call it, and I think everything works together very cohesively in his design now. It's probably one of my favorites out of all of them, at this point.

Looking back now, is there anything that regret/wish you had done differently? *Macdev: Thankfully, things worked out perfectly-- and the universe blessed me with a wonderful team in the end-- but it was very stressful once I realized I had asked for help way too early. I essentially made a single map, and a little character sheet-- then asked for a whole team to help me out. As I said, it luckily worked out in the end. Now we have so many amazing people helping us-- but we also lost a few in the madness-- and that's a mistake on my part, 100%. If you don't know what you want, it's hard to ask for help. It will lead to confusion, lots of back and forth, frustration, etc... Just wait until your way further in development. Trust me. I know it’s easy to jump the gun and shoot for the stars, but sometimes it won’t work out as well as it has for the Cadeau team!

Do you plan to explore the game’s universe and characters further in subsequent projects, or leave it as-is? *Macdev: I won't say as of now! The idea of a sequel/prequel has floated around, but if it does come to fruition, it won't be until way after the release of Cadeau. We'll just have to see. (This isn’t to say I’m not hopeful!)

With your current project, what do you look most forward to upon/after release? *Macdev: I have so many amazing project ideas lined up for after the release of Cadeau. I won’t spill too much, so they'll be more of a surprise-- but they range from classic, adventure-themed true RPG's-- to 3D teenage-thrillers. I'm honestly stoked, there's so much in store for Halfworld.

Is there something you’re afraid of concerning the development or the release of your game? *Macdev: I think my biggest fear is letting people down. Also, I worry about losing interest or having people form the idea that the game is never going to be completed. It’s just going to take some time, is all, and that’s okay!

Do you have any advice for upcoming devs? *Macdev: I already mentioned above not to jump the gun and ask for help too early, so some more advice I'll give: is to keep all your material, all your ideas, and all your concepts in one concise place. I would say do it digitally from the get-go, but if you would prefer to write it down physically that's fine! Just make sure it's only one or 2 notebooks, and not 13. The information for Cadeau is spread throughout my hideous mound of notebooks, as I get up during ungodly hours of the night to scrawl a sudden idea down. So, I'm currently in the process of moving them to one digital spot-- and while it's generally easy-- I would have been able to avoid it if I had just put everything in one spot in the beginning. Oh, and back up your progress regularly! I have separate backups of Cadeau from months in 2 different years, and in 4 different places. So, I take backups very seriously—and so should you!

Question from last month's featured dev @atlasatrium: What's your favorite RPG Maker game and why? *Aidan: I love End roll, Ib, OFF, Prom Dreams, From Next Door, and Aria's Story! Bruno: Mm, definitely Long Gone Days (though it’s not being made on rpgmaker now) Midnight Train, Heartbeat and Glitched! WariA: I don't really have any :0 the devs I've worked with so far have all been really sweet (´꒳`);; Macdev: This is a tough question! I have a lot of favorites. Probably Stray Cat Crossing overall, but I also love Home and Starboy. Starboy brings a lot of memories, and Stray Cat Crossing was what inspired me to start making games! Oh, and Home is just very cute.

We mods would like to thank HALFWORLDstudios for agreeing to our interview! We believe that featuring the developer and their creative process is just as important as featuring the final product. Hopefully this Q&A segment has been an entertaining and insightful experience for everyone involved!

Remember to check out Cadeau if you haven’t already! See you next month!

- Mods Gold & Platinum

#rpgmaker #rpgmaker vx ace #indie games #Pixel Games #pixel horror #cadeau #project cadeau #projectcadeau #gotm #game of the month #gotm may #gotm 2019 #2019 #game of the month 2019

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iamjulikakyelle · 4 years

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WHO IS I? WHY IS I? WHAT IS I ABOUT?

Before we get all goofy and shit I will break it down to you.

Take your time and enjoy the vibes.

Creating a blog and actually working on it on a daily baiss has been a longtime wish of mine which I never actually aimed for in the end. Why tho?

Until now.

I started with creating and growing a supportive and loving, loyal, respectful and understanding community on my social media platform on Instagram - love ya´ll!

However, as the time went by and I kept on growing and living I felt that even with all the feedback and replies and love I am receiving for being me and putting myself out there, some areas in my life didn´t have the proper channel to express them fully in all their forms and colors.

This blog is personal. For me. For you. I will be going into more details than just my daily snippets of thoughts that you can see and read through on my profile.Most importantly is the fact that I do it for me, like I said. It is not selfish to want to invest in thyself and improve certain areas in your life. In the end this food for thought is for you, too.I´m like your wifey and mother at once that is picking up the ingredients and herbs wisely and select all the unnecessary bullshit out to make sure your mind/body and soul is properly nurtured and taking excellent care of. Cause I just want the best for you.I gotchu. I want to see you all win! Like honestly. Go for the bag sis - bruh, you deserve living your best life!

I also perceive this as a test for myself, by stretching my comfort zone to the extend and putting myself out here in various ways.

I said goodbye today to my longtime be(a)stie frenemy called - THE PROCRASTINATOR. What a sneaky little bastard he is.

Now is the time. When it feels most uncomfortable to do something new.That is where and when you grow. By taking on new habits.If you want a new life you have to move differently.At least that is how I deeply feel about it. If it doesn´t scare you even just a bit just know that you are too cozed up (ain´t a correct word but I also love creating new ones, who said I couldn´t, right? ) sitting on the sofa with your redbull in your left hand while the right hand is holding a cigarette, filling the entire room with a heavy scent of "I FEEL STUCK AND MY SOUL IS TIRED BUT MY DEAREST FRIEND PROGGY KNOWS BEST WHAT IS GOOD FOR ME AND WHAT ISN´T, RIGHT?!?!?".

You hear netflix playing twentyfive hours eight days in the week in the back but you don´t actually watch. You don´t even listen anymore. You doze off. Complety lost. You just want to comfort your loneliness with the sound of other people talking, it gives you the sweet feeling of not being actually all on your own in this shitty shit hole that you dived deep inside. But also not having to participate to any real conversation.Now get the fuck up and leave the corner of your comfort zone. More like killing zone.You won´t find your happiness in there. Nor success. Whatever that means to you.What you do not change - you chose. Easy right?!

I chose me, over and over again. It is a process and you only get further by holding yourself accountable for everything that you put out into this very world.Confront your ego and let it shatter to the ground for once.Then pick up the pieces and reconstruct it in your own way. You are the chief, designer, regisseur, manager of your life.I as well have had days where I stood in my own way and resisted my true self to prosper.Just yesterday was such a day. What I am trying to tell you is that I ain´t perfect either. I am as well learning each day.. What do you chose? What habits do you pick up day after day while hearing your intuition trying to get to your head, screaming for justice and mercy to finally release whatever you continue to harm yourself with. You have to be on your own team, fam! To keep on telling you these white lies and acting like a snitch that doesn´t want to see someone win, well here is a plot twist; you are the exact same person. So either way you feed your mind with belief and faith or continue to fail and mostly don´t even start a new thing cause you believe your doubts more than your heart.What a pity. What a shame. Ever thought about the heritage of your doubts? What you feel pulsing inside of your chest whenever you do what you where put on this earth to do, is with no doubt your mission. All the projections, negative comments from other people, family members and frenemies do not have ANYTHING and I mean that, to do with your purpose.Doesn´t matter if you believe in such thing as a purpose or not. That doesn´t minimize the fact. It is what it is. Facts.Start doing what you solely are passionate about. To only give you a little spicy taste of my traintrack of thoughts. This the vibe we on now.

I will be speaking openly about sexual traumas, sexuality in general, that includes sexual desires, how to tap into your sexual energy, what is a sexual energy, how to use it for creating more than just a baby, lack of confidence, how to ask for help, easy steps to love your own self, drug abuse, veganism and what this"trend" is actually about, conspiracy threaths, knowledge of the self - the highest, conversations I have with my higher self - she a queen, what I eat, what I don´t eat, why I eat what I eat, subliminals and binaural beats, how to transform your dna with theta waves, how I manifest, what techniques do I practice, witchcraft, christianity and satanism, why I love and admire fashion and how/why my style improved over the last years, breakups and lessons, trust and loyalty. why honest real talk is significant for humankind, how to spot toxic friendships/relationships and more and deeper tings.

Take a seat. if you hear the call. Picc it up babe, it is for you. Your time is now. You deserve all that you desire late at night before you rise up to other and higher realms.I am guiding you through it, with patience, dedication, commitment, grace, honesty, shapeshifting into your highest version. I help you get you YOU.

I am here to inspire, to wake you up, to be a freak, with you. To embrace our soft parts and wildest dreams. To help each other grow and support one another. By giving constructive feedback cause all we want to do is build one another up cause we love seeing someone glow and reach their goals! Yea, face it, we may all have similar dreams, goals, things we want to achieve in our lives but isn´t that in particular what makes it even better? Knowing that we all need help and can help cause we´ve either way already been there - done that or have to go there and do it.Wisdom, knowledge is there to be shared. To be received.I appreciate every single one of you and I am thrilled for this new adventure.

You can always hit up my mailbox with anything that burdens your heart and lies heavy on your shoulders. I will take my time to listen to you and answer you. I am all in. I am with you. For you.-Feel the love. You are blessed.

Yours truly,

Julika Kyelle

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sturmxundxdrang · 5 years

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so this has been something i’ve done for both 2016 and 2017 (unfortunately can’t find that one), so yeah, a little recap of my year. under read more bc nobody’s interested in a long ass text lol

So since I can’t find my 2017 post, I’m gonna go from the 2016 and see what I have accomplished from the things I wanted for 2017:

To finally start learning German properly: in 2017 I went to German classes. They did help me a lot, but I had to quit for financial reasons and because I felt like it was slow.

Learn how to play guitar and piano: I did go looking for piano classes, but couldn’t go through with them. More on that below.

Finish my ‘wall collage’: I almost got to finish it! It was actually on my wardrobe’s door, and it was almost complete, but I had to take it down this year when I got a new wardrobe. Fortunately, I had glued the drawings to a sheet of paper, so I still have it.

Finish writing and editing as many books as I can: I did write a lot, I have over 200 poems just from 2017, but I, unfortunately, didn’t do much editing or finished books, haha.

Watch at least 100 of the movies from my list: I feel like I focused a lot more on TV shows, so that is a no.

Start exercising more: This went as a complete fail, up until November haha.

Do more things by myself: definitely yes, I’ve been growing a lot.

Get a car: I learned that driving stresses me out, but my parents switched to a different car to make it easier for me to drive, so I’m good with that.

Other things from 2017:

In 2016 I found both witchcraft and Hellenic Polytheism, and I started practicing, but being an ex-Christian, I didn’t talk about it. Out of fear of judgment, out of fear of being wrong and deciding to stop it, a lot of other things. But 2017 was the year I started trusting it more, and the way I felt welcome in this religion, and by my gods, was so warm, that in 2017 I was sure that this was exactly what I was supposed to do.

I also completed 5 years sober. March 18 was not only my birthday, but also the day I marked 5 years being Straight Edge, something I looked up to achieve ever since I began, back when I was 14 years old and looking up to CM Punk. Back then all I knew was that it was going to be better for me, and inspired by one of my heroes, I claimed. Now I understand the depth of my choice, and how much it helped me as a person. I thank CM Punk for showing me this lifestyle, but I also thank my 14 years old self, that, despite being very young and immature, made a very important choice.

So, now, we enter 2018. Right from the beginning of January, it was a roller coaster. I ended one of my longest friendships, with a person that had been my best friend since 2011. I'm not getting much into it, because it has ended and there is no use bringing it up, but although it was hard to think about going on without somebody that was very important to me at the time, it ended up being the best choice, and proved itself to be a big improvement to my life. All I have to say is that after the end, I was able to see how toxic it was and that moving on felt like a weight off of my shoulders.

I think things started well on New Years Eve. We had a small party, only me, my parents and two of our family friends. It was fun, we all talked, laughed, played Just Dance. But a bit before midnight, I put Mehr - Rammstein, to play. It’s one of my favorite songs, and the bridge is my favorite part. It played right when it hit midnight, and we toasted to the New Years Eve right when Till yells ‘Mehr!’. I think that was me starting the year with the right mindset.

My first poem of 2018 was a contrast to everything I used to write. All those 200 poems from 2017? Most about heartache, suffering, about pain. But 2018 started with me writing about true love, about softness and being happy. And gods, was I happy in 2018. I didn’t write much this year, because my writing comes more from pain and as a coping mechanism. I’m slowly learning how to write when I’m happy too, I’ll get there soon.

If you’ve known me for a while, then you know birthdays were really not my thing. It was usually a day I’d be very depressed, I don’t like getting old, I was too stressed about thinking that another year went by, it was all sorts of bad. One time my mom gave me a surprise birthday party because my ex best friend posted a message on my Facebook wall and talked about knowing I hated my birthdays. Mom invited my friends (a group of about 6-7 people at the time), only 2 showed up. But this year, man, it was different. I had plans to go to the Zoo and then to the Botanic Garden to have a picnic. So we invited a family friend (one that was there during the New Year’s party), and we went. We had a fantastic day together, and then came back to a family BBQ, that was equally as good. It was the first birthday in a LONG time where I felt truly happy.

This part is probably one of the most important, I’d say. I can’t tell when exactly it was, but I know it was around my birthday’s time, but someone set up a Rammstein Discord Server. I joined it, not expecting much, because I’m always inactive in groups like that. But you, see, this person became a very important part of my life, because not long after that, there were her, me, and a few more people joking about setting up a Rammstein cover band. And what started out as only a joke, became one of the most important things for me this year: Roter Himmel. Stephanie, Leah, Karla and I. RH’s first year was a roller coaster too. Members that came and went, some that I wish weren’t even there in the first place, but life is like that, and some that will be missed - yeah, Lily, you. But life happens, and that’s okay <3

This band gave me three amazing friends, that now I consider family, made me even closer to someone that was already one of my best friends, and that will ever be the Paulie to my Richard, as we say, and is giving me the opportunity to work on dreams I’ve had as a kid, and of course, to put my dream of moving to Berlin into an actual plan. I’ve started learning the guitar again because of them, something that I’ve wanted since I was literally 6, but that I put aside for so long. And because of them, I’ll be going to Berlin next year, to finally see the place that I hope to call home in the future. Roter Himmel is now probably one of the biggest part of my life, and I cannot wait to be playing our music in crappy bars in Berlin in a few years. To Steph, Karla and Lee: thank you. 2019 will be Roter Himmel’s year.

Law too, is a big part of my life. Not only because it’s something I really love, but because, of course, that’s what I’m studying. This was my third year, so now I have only 2 and a half before I’m finished. I also got my first job in the field. I’ve been working since I was 13, but moving to something new is scary. And me, having terrible anxiety, you can just imagine. But I got the job, and it turned out to be better than I was expecting: my boss is a great person, my coworkers are sweethearts, and despite it being kinda crazy in there, I’m enjoying being there, and getting to learn every day. More importantly, I’m dealing with my anxiety of talking to new people, or going new places, or y’know, just being with strangers. And, y’know, just working with what I’m studying & what I like gives me a sense of ‘you’re doing good’.

So, my religion. Like I said, I got started in 2016, improved in 2017, but 2018 has been the year where I really felt my religion. I’ve felt home ever since I got started, like this is what I’m supposed to be doing, like that feeling of coming home, and this year really showed me that, yes, I’m definitely where I’m supposed to be. I finally know what is like to experience a love so pure, that it can bring me to tears. I’ve always felt broken knowing Christianity wasn’t for me, always felt bad that I couldn’t feel what my mom felt for her God, for example. But now I do, now I understand that my mother’s God isn’t mine, and that this love I searched for was there, all my life, I just had to find it. I adore my gods, and I’m thankful for them all day, I’m grateful for them being in my life, I’m grateful for their love. That was also the highlight of my year: knowing they’re there for me.

This year was quite strange too, nothing is made of rose petals, of course. We had a terrible election in Brazil, and I fear for what will come after January 1st. I’m terrified for me, for my family, for my country. My 2 years old cat went missing weeks before my birthday, and still haven’t returned; I know he will tho. Some of the friendships I’ve thought would last me for life ended, or we got distant, but I know some things aren’t meant to last and I’m okay with that now. My grandma, just a few days before me writing this, almost died. She went through a very bad surgery, and I spent the night with my mom, aunt and uncle, at the hospital, praying she’d survive. She did, she’s doing better, she will get better, but that was probably the scariest experience I’ve had this entire year.

Also, I got one more cat. After Sonne went missing, I was awful. My dad found this tiny black kitten lost, and he brought it to me. Asche is probably the exact opposite of Sonne, who was this sassy little boy. Asche is a sweetheart, and is always in the same room as we are. Sonne will be back, I’m certain of that.

Back on friendships, I’m very thankful for the friends I made this year, for the ones that didn’t leave, and in special, my best friend of many years. We had a fall out due to my depression, but our friendship is back just how it used to be, and I’m very grateful for him for putting up with me and being there even when I’m a little shit lol. I’m grateful for Lily, and for how our friendship is strong as ever, for my bandmates, who are always there for me too, and for the friends that put up with me talking about Richard (and Ares @ Steph and Karla lol) all the damn time.

About the piano thing, my dad got a keyboard, somewhere between mid 2017 and the beginning of 2018 (I’m really bad with dates, so) and I managed to play the first part of Für Elise, and I know it’s fairly simple and easy, but I love Beethoven, and being able to play it within two days of my dad getting that keyboard made me very proud of myself. I ended up not practicing anymore, and my dad’s friend borrowed the keyboard from him.

2018 was definitely a year of growth for me, about learning, getting better, facing fears, about new beginnings and letting go of things that are not good for me. I cried a lot, but I was happy a lot. I consider it an amazing year, to be quite honest, and I know 2019 will be even better.

As I did for 2016, here are some things I want to accomplish in 2019:

I hope to have at least intermediate German. I’m almost there, but not yet.

I’ll focus on the guitar, and won’t let my frustration burn me out.

Exercise more and get a better sleep schedule.

Focus more on college, this last semester was very tough.

Do more things I usually wouldn’t, like going out to do something on my own, and hopefully being to drive by myself.

Read & write more, or at least more than I did in 2018.

Watch more movies, strike a few from my list.

Meet more people, go out more.

Be more organized.

Focus on my religion & study more, try to keep a consistent schedule and all that.

Find a hobby that will help me relax, something that I can do without pushing myself too much, because I frustrate myself a lot.

And yeah, those are a few I can remember right now, might add some more in the future. Hopefully, I strike all of those out by the time I’m writing my year review of 2019 haha. It’s gonna be a good year, I can feel that, man.

#vamp #fav #2018 #year recap #year review #bad days stuff

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