#but like ive been crying a Lot over the last 5 Months or so. maybe more. because my parents said I couldnt go | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

slowdripsunrise · 3 months

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ooookkkkkk so its been like. months since i last updated this blog so here we go im just gonna write my feelings out about the books i've read i will try to get through all of them but maybe won't i'll stop writing when i get bored soz. spoilers for many various books under the cut!

ok. first book i read since i last updated my reads on here was i will greet the sun again by khashayar j khabushani! this was such a beautiful piece of work and i really recommend it for anyone who needs a good cry, but still wants a happy/not extremely tragic ending. the writing was beautiful and i think one of my favorite scenes/settings was the beach... the way it was described. as well as the way iran was described, it was so lovely even though there were many bad memories attached to it. that and the K's relationship with Johnny were my fave parts. it was so sweet reading about them and even tho i read this a while ago so i don't remember much, this story has stuck with me throughout... not so much as the exact scenes, but the feelings and emotions i was feeling while reading it. definitely recommend!!!

next i read the life changing magic of tidying up by marie kondo! this was a great little book about organization and lifestyle and i recommend to anyone who maybe wants to get a different perspective on organization! i read and finished this before bed one night, woke up, and started reorganizing and cleaning up my space lmao. no it didnt stay that way, but the effort was there. i don't think that this book is necessarily life changing, however it does offer new ideas about tidying up, and gives some good tips on how to go about it. one of the things i thought pretty relevant to me were the steps in which u should organize, or choosing one thing to organize and only doing that one thing. like doing all of the clothes in the house at once, or toys, etc. instead of a room at a time. for me, i get distracted very easily if i'm doing 4 different things at once, so this is something i wanna try out more! the way the book is set up too makes it easily rereadable, just for a refresher, which i like lol

next i read braiding sweetgrass by robin wall kimmerer!!! 5/5 stars one of my top books i read this year 100%. easily. this book was wonderful and engaging and informative and i absolutely loved it. the way the author weaves facts and information along with the story and narrative is so lovely and makes me want to pick up her other book, gathering moss (i think) immediately. this shit was addicting! the stories from her life and the stories from her culture and history were so captivating and immersive oh my god. i think some of my favorite stories of hers where the ones with her students. the camping trip in the marsh (i think it was a marsh. some sort of wetlands....) was lovely; as well as the stories with her daughters. AND THE ENDIGN OHGHHHH MY GOD i had shivers literally all over me. like almost cried not out of sadness but awe of her writing. there were times i almost cried of sadness tho. 5/5 i need to read more from this author.

next - ok. OH KAY. oh also ive decided i'm just going to group all of the books in a series together, especially when i read them all pretty close in time to each other, because a lot of times they all blend together in my head. all this to say - i read the all for the game series by nora sakavic. i went into it knowing it was about gay people that play made up sports and maybe a little bit of mafia esque action was going on. i came out of it extremely entertained and needing to read the next one in the series LMAO this shit was so awesome and epic. 5/5 stars. i've aged out of YA so i usually steer clear of it (especially some of the newer ones. it feels like so much of YA has lost all amounts of trust in their readers and focuses more on publishers and algorithms and such but. whatever) however this is a tumblr classic and you know what i wanted to read something fun and entertaining so thats exactly what i did. i've seen a lot of people ok not a lot a couple people point out that the writing isn't good or isn't super high level or whatever. who give a shit. idk i feel like people are trying to justify liking or reading something that most would consider "bad" or "immature" or. idk the exact word im looking for, ig like a guilty pleasure?? theyre trying to justify it by saying things like "oh yeah, i know the writing is bad But the characters-" or "oh yeah its written like fanfic but-" like yall its fine. it's chill. calm down. personally i didn't think the writing was bad. i thought it was average. also there's nothing wrong with writing a fanfic-esque story, the problem is you people can't suspend ur damn disbelief for more than 2 minutes and have fun. sorry that was a huge rant that wasn't even about the book back to the books I HAD FUN. she did what she needed to to. will i read the sunshine court? yeah probably if i remember. would i recommend this to everyone? no. only people with taste. this was a blast definitely look up trigger warnings tho like. there was more mafia involvement than i originally thought there would be lol. characters slayed. relationships between them were fun to read about. go foxes.

ok this is long so i am going to end it here we are not even close to done but i will try to remember to continue going through everything and then maybe i'll try and compile some of my stats from storygraph for like an end of year thing even tho it's more than halfway through january lol.

#book review #thoughts.txt #i will greet the sun again #the life changing magic of tidying up #braiding sweetgrass #aftg

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horce-divorce · 11 months

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I'm 8 days post-op from Dr. Wrubel in Grand Rapids, Michigan!!

Just had my drains out & bolsters off, experiencing a euphoria heretofore previously unknowable to my mind and body, and it still hasn't REALLY even sunk in yet????? It's really real. It's really over. They're gone and I really never have to have tits ever again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the first week, still being bandaged up in the binder with tubes coming out of my ribs, I mainly felt injured, the relief hadn't set in yet. It certainly made it MORE real, and I had a few fleeting moments of "it happened? Already?? That's IT???" But it was hard to feel like it's permanent with all that stuff attached. also i was very preoccupied (unrelated to surgery).

Also? Surgery (like massages!) can apparently bring a lot of deep emotions and trauma to the surface. Post-op depression is a real thing, surgery is a lot for a body to go through. For days post op I was bursting into tears randomly remembering shit from YEARS ago, sitting there saying shit like, "it feels like my chest was ripped open (emotion)!" and then laughing my ass off bc my chest WAS literally ripped open. Of course all the feelings came spilling out. I'm pretty well adjusted so I enjoyed this, but I can see how a heads up might behoove a person!

Yesterday, once the drains were out, I had more of those "it happened?!" moments. Less fleeting. Feeling my shirt material against my ribs for the first time, where my sideboob used to be, and bursting into tears because I never even knew I missed that. Reaching in front of me expecting to bump into/grab a boob and hitting nothing. Walking around comfortably for once, feeling muscles tense waiting for a bounce-and-slap that never comes back. My friends (even the cis ones?! even the cis nurse?!?!) screaming and yelling that my scars and nips look SO good.

So it's sinking in more now, at the 22 hour mark; I can look down and see how flat, and feel that I'm not wearing a binder, and take a deep breath. I can reach down to cup a boobie that is no longer there (a sensation not unlike missing a step going down the stairs, but much smaller, and much giddier). I reach too far and feel a half-painful, half-numb tug. It's getting LESS fleeting, but I can still smell the sutures, I can still feel where the drains were, I haven't yet felt the sun on my chest for the real first time but I think maybe today will be the day, and at least for the first time I can SEE that happening.

For the first time the future isn't just an abstract concept, or just maybe something I can have. 10 years ago I didnt know if I'd be alive the next day, let alone in a year or 5 years. Today, I know I'm going to go outside and feel the sun on my bare, flat chest and that it's going to move me emotionally in a way I've never been moved. I know that now. I know I'm going to start those rural queer meetings this month, we already have the time and place. I know I'm going to banned book club this month because I want to really bad and I said I would. I'm even fairly certain I might actually get to go to GR Pride again for the first time since 2015 (and only for the second time ever!!!!! Ive only been to Pride once and never while I was out as trans!!!!!). I know I'm healthy enough right now to camp more and do more rockhounding and foraging and hiking and things I love this summer. I'm going to fucking cry holy shit. I'm so grateful rn. I have so many good friends. I have so much to look forward to. I finally have a body I don't fucking hate lmao. This is such a vast difference from this time last year.

I don't even know what to do with myself right now, I feel like I have zoomies!!! I'd be running around except it hurts my tits LOL. Real talk tho my body still very much anticipates the weight of those things every time I take a step, my muscles tense to hold them, and then they just... aren't there? It's the WEIRDEST sensation of all time. It's actually kind of validating as fuck? to truly notice for the first time just how much the rest of my body had to compensate for those things?? I feel SO hard for anyone with yabbos off the size chart + back problems. Cursed fuckin combination. You definitively have to work extra hard just to carry those fuckin things around and it's unjust!!!

It is LITCHERALLY!!!! a weight off my damn chest and the rest of my body!!!!! Emotionally and physically!!!!!!!! Like I can't even anticipate how much this will help my sensory issues and that wasn't even something I'd considered when I signed up for it lol

Anyone who's sitting here apprehensive about top surgery: I won't sugarcoat it, okay, i have a high pain tolerance BUT sensory issues. I opted not to take any tramadol, and the first week was pretty gnarly (2 things can be true). The drains are a fucking nightmare, especially for any of my fellow autistic baddies looking at top, yeah, the sensory aspect, I tell ya... MAN. I will NOT lie, It is DIS-GUS-TENG. The actual surgical pain isn't much worse than like a bad flareup of my usual chronic pain; overall it's like a 6 or 7 at the absolute worst and that's only when I'm overdoing it and like touching my chest all the time/wearing a seatbelt/carrying shit I shouldn't have been carrying (again w/o the pain meds). It feels a bit bruised and more than a bit burned, tender and sore to the touch, but it's totally bearable and to me it's way less painful than dysphoria by a long shot.

absolutely every single second of it has been worth it and I never once doubted it was the right thing to have done. I would do it again with zero hesitation. If you have been waiting to look into top because, idk, you wanted a sign, or you're lazy, or you think it's gonna be too hard, or you're worried about recovery- here's your sign. don't be. The way I feel right now is something you deserve to feel. I want you to feel this way. And I promise there is no combination of words I can find that would do it justice. You just have to feel it for yourself. Stop waiting for the right time. You're alive right now. Call your surgeon. I love you.

#me #top surgery #im built like the worms from MIB and i love it lmfao #gpoy #note to self

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olivieraa · 4 months

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I went to bed really upset last night

I think there was a variety of factors that made me into a bit of an emotional mess after finishing attack on titan

Its like "its just an anime" or "its just a show"

Firstly, it was the anime/show that's been in my life the longest. 2013-2023. I associate a lot of my tumblr posts with the show. I called any character Kaji Yuki voiced in any other anime 'Eren' for fun. My time watching the first season is so vivid to me. I remember so much about analysing this show, and talking about it with friends.

Secondly, due to my OCD, the O stands for obsessive, and that connects to a lot of things, but its extremely hard to get me out of my Obsessive mode. I actually planned to make this rewatch last a couple of months. I was like "ah yeah Ive seen season 1 three or four times so its not gonna be that entertaining watching it again, I'll try watch a few a day". ...That didn't happen. I dont know why or how, but season 1 felt v different to me. I still got chills, I still got shocked when something happened, I would finish an ep and have the urge to scream from the adrenaline that went through me when something intense happened before a cliffhanger, almost as if I didnt know what was gonna happen next.

The reason I put off watching the show immediately after it ended is bc I'm aware this happens to me and its hard to get out of it. In my head I thought my obsessive nature wouldn't come around until I got to season 3 which I hadn't seen before and I thought I'd get to season 3 by mid-January. But from the absolute get-go, it kicked in, and from 7pm on the 21st of Dec to 4am on 26th of Dec, I binged the absolute fuck out of the show, taking breaks to do essential things like eat and shower. I barely slept.

So needless to say, I've only just come back to reality.

Third, I'm emotional af. Stories impact me on a really high scale, and I start to get stomach aches and chest pains bc of it. Esp if the story is magnificent. I finished that show last night and when I saw "The end", I was still crying, I hurt all over, and I just happened to be lucky that a friend who has seen it (and shockingly, doesn't watch anime) replied back to me and we talked about for a little bit. It helped to rant it out a bit but my sleep deprivation caused me to make so many typos and I officially had to sleep, which was hard, due to the chest pains.

And fourth, I believe what I just watched was perfection. To ever rewatch the show again, I'll see everything differently. Everything. The first 5 seconds of the show will be different. And when I'd had that realisation, I started crying again.

Like, I'm thinking of moments in the show that are literally just "characters swinging around and slashing titans" which is what the show was first known for, and now I'll be thinking "holy shit, these scenes have a bigger significance than you realise".

And for a show that's not about romance, the romantic tragedy that ties it all together, is what got me more than anything.

If this show gave off a vibe that the creator never knew where he was going with it, then I dont think it would be as impactful. As someone who loves Stranger Things, not everything ties up perfectly. And maybe the creators had an idea of their ending and then had to figure out how to get there, but it doesn't show. I've a feeling that by the end of that show, I'll be thinking that they ran through different drafts for their ending and finally settled on one and brought back a few tiny moments from the other seasons that ties it in and boom, done.

But almost every moment of attack on titan comes full circle, to the extreme point that I believe he wrote this whole thing out, almost every millimetre of it, and then released it at a specific pace up until recent years, and then obviously the anime adapted it. Yes he could have made slight changes along the way like "I originally wanted this character to say this line but changed it to this character cause it was more fitting" or something like that, but nothing that would really change anything about the direction he was heading with it.

Do I regret binging it? Yes, bc I have loads to do that I now have get stuck into with v little breaks (SnK was SUPPOSED to be my breaks), but also, mainly, bc I felt like I was there. Like when you're away from home for a month and you come back and everything feels weird and sorta wrong. So that's a learning lesson to myself. Never binge again.

Last time I did that was with Succession, but I'm just lucky that Obsessive mode kicked in about 20 eps in (so the first 20 I watched one a day), and so when Obsessive mode came in, it was for the second set of 20 episodes).

Unlike SnK where I watched almost 100 eps in 5 days :')))

Anway, I'll be thinking about this fucking show for a while, especially Eren. Especially Eren. He's just too complex, and I like to analyse, and that's some long analysation.

Also Mikasa and Levi impacted me too (Hange is my girl tho).

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, I'm glad I wrote this out. My thoughts are going through my head way too fast for my typing to keep up so I've had to slow down my thoughts and so my breathing is a little better this time around lmao

I'ma miss this show, and I look forward to the day I rewatch it and take every speckle of the show in again. Knowing my ass, it'll be on my next break which is sooner than I'd like it to be, cause I know what my addictive obsessive ass is like. Ugh, I'm a wreck

#even that gif is upsetting T_T

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haunter-geist · 1 month

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tw graphic descriptions of animal death;

grief is really hard to cope with, its kind of odd because ive lost people in my life before, like my nanas when i was a lot younger, but now losing my cat it. hits harder. Daimyo was my orange baby and best friend, this past year his health had been noticeably declining VERY quickly and he had been rapidly losing weight, and i knew he was close to the end a few months back when he started clinging to me and getting upset every time i left the room.

This cat loved me, the night before his passing when we were heading to bed, he curled up on a chair where my phone was placed (as there was no room on the bed) directly next to my head, and i knew he was dying in the morning when he got upset with me holding him, and simply flopping onto the bed when i set him down. He actively turned away from the tunafish i tried to give him in my vain attempt to get him to get up. Selfishly i couldnt sit and watch, and headed over to my siblings house to do something i had already planned for that day. I later heard once i got there, from my grandfather on the phone that Daimyo had tried to get up only to flop over onto the floor.

He held out for me. waited till he could be brought to me to pass. I heard him sniffle and maybe gasp for air before he looked at everyone else around me, and me, as i saw him grunt in pain at his body shutting down. The tears i had been so desperate to hold in during this finally spillt from my eyes, and i couldnt sit and watch his lifeless body, or his burial.

The room feels empty without him, his purring (which he did near constantly since he was very young. very content kitty, not like in the pain relieving way although it may have been that way towards the end of his life) was always very loud and i could easily hear it across the room. Its gone. I keep thinking i see him everywhere, i keep expecting him to try and leave the room to go scratch his claws on the carpet outside, im expecting to hear him meow for food, or the trickle of water as he drank from his fountain. or the sound of him at his cat box. Every sign of him is gone and i have a sinus infection so i cant smell whats left. my best friend of 15 years isnt here anymore and its so hard to cope with.

As hard as i try to be a rock for the rest of my family, whos affected as much as i am, i keep finding myself crying or breaking down, especially in the small moments where im alone. I miss him and the way he used to call for me whenever i paced in the hotel hallways with the door propped open a crack (which hed watch me through)

i miss being a 4/5 year old and holding him when he was a kitten and so so tiny.

I just wished i could have done something, but his health was out of my hands, as i had little to no transportation, and a father who refused to take him to the vet. Who loaded all of the responsibility onto someone with no job, money, transport, bank account, or phone service. i did my best to find vet services, and yet he still refused to take care of daimyo. I tried my best to spoil him in these last few months

i knew these months were past the point of no return in a way, i knew he wasnt going to get better even when he did start eating again. i gave him tiny bits of cheese, plenty of treats, catnip, anything to make him happy. he used to reach up and grab the cheese out of my hands while standing on his hind legs, i could get him to do tricks.

I knew when he stopped playing with his favorite toys a few months ago it was close and i still didnt want to think about it

i just wanted him to get better.

i tried my hardest to convince my dad to do something for years so maybe just maybe daimyo could stay for a few months to years longer. i just want him back. the memories are here yes but it feels like a piece of me is missing. im 19 and 15 of the years i had on this earth were with him. what am i to do? I knew it would be hard, but i didnt think it would feel like this. I didnt think it would hurt this bad.

i dont even want to wash the clothes i have that have throwup stains or hair on them, because its some sort of piece of him i can keep as weird and gross as it is. i just dont want to let him go.

#tw animal death #animal death #tw #tw vent #personal vent #vent post #venting #cw animal death

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blackvail22 · 7 months

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9/22/23 — 1:20am

i hate wanting to be productive in the middle of the night. i was tired all day tdy, and now i just want to do something productive. no!!! i work earlier than usual tomorrow!!!!

im doing my skincare now... i wore makeup tdy so i have no choice but to do it 🤯

im tired still but i dont want to sleep. i feel like i havent been productive enough tdy even though i went to 3 different appointments and within the 2 hours before work i cleaned my bathroom sink (that was incredibly disgusting, i am not exaggerating. no one has cleaned it in like a little over a year. my dad shaves his face there whenever it gets like 5 inches long and doesnt clean the hair out of the sink/on the counter. its gross.), made ramen (it wasnt v good).... at work i walked around almost the whole 6 hours. my feet hurt so!! bad!! after i work. it happens every time. it doesnt help that when i fell down my stairs, my "sprained" foot didnt heal properly. i also hurt my hand at work and have not seen a doctor .... im ngl im like a mess and if i tell anyone abt this theyll tell me its because im fat and need to lose weight WE GET IT. I KNOW. IM TRYING, AND JUST BECAUSE I AM DOESNT MEAN THAT I CANT HAVE SMTH WRONG WITH ME?????

anyways

im tired. like mentally and physically. i had counseling tdy and i told her everything and the time still wasnt full. she shared some things abt her life recently... still didnt fill the time. she didnt respond much at all, but she's grieving, so i understand

im not telling anyone except u and my digital diary about my situation with my ex... i need to stop complaining to people abt him and making it everyones problem when its really my fault i keep letting him back in my life. its bad! ive literally had dreams where he did that *thing* but like in an extremely worse way, and i told myself that i just had to live with it, that i have to get used to it. and, i mean, i guess i do... if i can *** ***** then he can do whatever.

im not even with him... just flirting heavily. he picks up on it, i think so, anyway....

im tired

i saw that u updated ur music playlist you sent to me recently ! so heres a song for u in return

2:51am

idk why it pisses me off so bad but when b says shes ugly it makes me so angry. "why cant i be like the pretty girls?" she is the definition of a pretty girl... she may not see it because people were mean to her growing up but its like... ive cried SO much because of how pretty she is. my parents call her the pretty girl, people at school say shes pretty all the time... it just makes me so upset that someone as pretty as her cant see it. and i wish she could, honestly.

and i hate that this makes me so angry. i have so much envy that it rips me apart every second of the day, and i hate it!!!!! im the fat, ugly friend, and i always felt bad for her being friends with me. she says that im one of the prettiest ppl she knows.... if that were true, would she have deleted all the photos of me off of her phone? who knows. and the fact that people compliment her all the time at school and in public should say A LOT about how pretty she is. it happens all the time! and i mean all the time. maybe she doesnt think it was genuine or she forgets? idk... i think the last time a stranger complimented my appearance was a year and a half ago at a taco bell drive thru. the last time i was called pretty (besides when my mom says it) was at leastt 6 months ago. im like distraught because she is literally so beautiful fuck

this is going to make me cry myself to sleep because i cant say any of this to her because this is really just unhealthy of me, like the envy and making me seem like the victim. it just makes me so upset that everyone thinks shes pretty but herself

yeah im def crying myself to sleep gn i work in 11hrs which sounds like a long time from now but i havent slept yet lol

3:16am

ok i lied i messaged her and said "i saw you commented "i wish i was one of the pretty girls" on a tiktok, and i really need you to know that you are the pretty girl. youre so incredibly beautiful not only on the outside but the inside too... it can be rare to find someone like that. i hope youre able to see yourself through my eyes someday and see yourself for what you truly are—beautiful"

i hope it doesnt come off weird

ok i cried and messaged her i should rlly just sleep now

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sunkingwrites · 1 year

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goooood morning.. 💕 mm I’m so sleepy still- gonna make myself some coffee and then hopefully my stomach doesn’t get upset with the amount of cookies I plan to eat for breakfast 😙

anywaaaays, I’m gonna be cooking a lot today because it’s almost someones birthday and like the good roommate I am I gotta cook their favorite foods~ oh but but I was catching up with bnha before I went to sleep last night (pls I swear I slept when you told me to) but then my roommate came in and.. stole my laptop? I mean I didn’t mind because I was having a mental breakdown over the recent episode,, but now I’m concerned what they did because all they said was “I need le minecraft.” and left 🥲

and I finally finished the firewatch shinkami fic- why tf is it so good??? awhkjhdiuhoina I kept getting distracted noticing the little elements in the writing but it just made it so captivating 😭

oH OH AND- I finally finished what I had left for my college projects and sooo I don’t have anything to do for the next 2 days.. unless *cough* anyone *cough* wants to do me 🥺/j

jokes aside I was crying this morning because I also finished chapter 5 of the song of achilles and we got a background check on one of the characters and I swear I could see the mommy issues shining through 😔

OK NOW IM JUST RANTING OF WHAT IVE BEEN DOING HJQSDKJKWFDKJJNKASD- I can’t get discord to open so that’s why I’m sending an ask tho 🥲

oh oh and my mind just suddenly filled with questions last night and it wont stop bothering me lol I dunno why… they’re so random tho- although I’m very curious on the one reason we know each other: how did you find my blog? It’s just a lingering question that I always wonder when someone follows me hehe- I mean,, I’m very glad you found me because holy shit— 😭 I remember how you were freaking out because I followed you back- that was the best decision I’ve ever made in my life tbh (we’ve been mutuals for well over a month ayo??)

anyways I’m gonna stop my intrusive mind from dumbing more stuff here so I don’t clog up your asks.. I hope you have a great great day, and I will send you kisses and updates of what I cook and uhh shit I do! on discord this time hehe… well unless food pics are not something you like then I’ll just spam you with random shit I do-!

mwah mwah~ ✨

Dude,, IF YOU MADE FOOD FOR MY BIRTHDAY I WOULD FUCKING CRYYY

Ohhhh my godssshfjsmck the fucking shinkami fic,, IT HAD NO RIGHT TO BE THAT GOOD- I WANT TO GET THAT GOOD AT WRITING AJJCNSNNF but like,, I was so fucking close to crying?? MultiPLE TIMES??? AND LIKE ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT WHEN DENKI WAS RUNNING TO THE TOWER,, AND I THINK IT'S SO COOL THEY ADDED ACTUAL BNHA LORE WITH THAT OTHER ASSASSIN HERO LADY AND THAT THEY COULD EXPLAIN DENKI'S LEGS DOING THAT NSKDJSBBFBDB

just-- so fucking good-

Mmmm,, we love mommy issues-- just love love love that for us~ No but like, characters with mommy issues are always too relatable to write aghh- LIKE STOP HAVING MY THOUGHTS PLEASE,, I UNDERSTAND I HAVE TRAUMA JUST LEAVE MEH ALONE

..if you couldn't tell- I had sugar-- remember that boba tea icecream I sent you a photo of in the superstore a while back? Yeah well I bought it today at Walmart and now it's almost gone,, and and I also got an ube icecream too, and Marmo hAtEs it- but I like it and I already knew that I would-- and now I wanna make an ube, vanilla milkshake aahhhh yum yum,, obviously not tonight-- maybe tomorrow if I can???

Okay okay and,, as you know my remember is full of shit so this miGHt be wRoNg- but I'm pretty sure I saw.. mmm I think a writing post first- maybe cuz it aligned with one of my tags?? Then I was like "oooh, I wonder if this person has anything else written for this character-?? Lemme seee~"

so then I would've found your master list post and I liked the vibe of it,, so then I'm pretty sure I just started scrolling through and randomly liking shit-?? I was still like a week new on tumblr so I was desperately looking for people to follow and get some more content flowing through my dash and to interest with--

Thennn, I think it was that composition you had posted that kinda embodied your anxiety that got me hooked,, cuz I kept listening to it on loop- so then I felt like I had to comment about getting it on Spotify,, since my family has a premium plan it's the place I usually get my music,, AND THEN I saw the picrew and I was just gONe cuz I fucking love making picrews and yours looked so cool and you just seemed like you'd be a fun person to talk to.. and then I shared mine with you and just kept talking and uhhh- yeah! That's what's up!! ✨✨

-also also you're birthday on twitter says it's the 28th- so I thought that was funny xD

#ollie<3 #sunkingchats #just talking #personal

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jeonfiles · 3 years

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better left unsaid - jjk

genre: angst, rebounds

pairings: jungkook x reader (ft. namjoon)

warnings: arguing, alcohol, profanity, break ups, light smut, use of drugs, jungkook is a fucking dick, jungkook has major attachment issues, toxic relationships, oc cries a lot, namjoon has a heart of gold, unrequited love

synopsis: you knew you shouldnt have given him that second chance, not the third or the fourth either. no matter how much you try he always slithers his way underneath your sheets, arms wrapped around you.

word count: 2.7k

music: into your arms, so it ends?, you will fade, thinkin bout you, julia, my insecurities not yours, fuck u, goodluck, my dear i will think of you

note: uhh ive never written a y/n fic so bare with me, if u listen to the music you’ll be able to feel the story a lot more so yeah if u have time u should, not proof read

Light coming through the cracks of the blinds, making you squint your eyes when the daylight beams into your eyes, head resting on the kitchen island Looking up, you saw the clock ticking on the wall, 11:32 am.

You had stayed up till 5 am, waiting for him to come home, but seemingly, he never did. Reaching for your phone, you saw 4 missed calls from the one and only,

Jeon Jungkook, saved in your phone as “Koo <3″, Rows of messages too, all from the same contact.

Koo <3 [05:34 am]

baby pkck me up pleseee

im so wsated

Koo <3 [06.46am]

dont be mad at me jsut pick me up

i dont knw hewere the fuck i am

i love you

Koo <3 [07:31 am]

i got a rde home i’ll be home by 12

i need to talk to someone frsit

im sorry if i woke ypu dont be worried

You took a few moments to collect your thoughts, but there wasn’t much to collect. This whole thing, was a routine by now.

Standing up to make yourself a cup of coffee, you could literally not feel your own backside, you were so sore from the barstool you had been sitting on all night, and it made you groan in pain.

Two coffee cups right beside the kitchen sink, which you couldn’t bring yourself to clean up, because it was from the last time you had coffee together, which was 2 weeks ago.

The inside of the cup had a coffee crust at the top, and both your lip tint marks on the outside.

When you finish your cup of coffee while watching a bad telenovela, you go sit in your favorite chair and pull out a few books from the backpack hanging on the chair next to you, getting ready to get some studying done.

For a few seconds you imagine Jungkook hanging over your shoulder laughing at the way you write your A-s and R-s, or the way you always sign your homework at the bottom of the page.

And when you open them, there’s no one there. The only sound is from the refrigerator, making refrigerator noises.

You had met Jungkook 3 years ago, when you were at college orientation, senior year of high school. He also wanted to attend Yonsei, just like you.

And when he whispered to you about how bored he was, you couldn’t help but giggle, and then you got yelled at.

It was worth it though, because everyone was jealous of you afterwards,the Jeon Jungkook had talked to you.

Jungkook was an all-rounder as they called it; great physique, intelligent, charismatic and great at sports.

And god, he had a beautiful face, and such a filthy mouth, and it didn’t go long before you gave in to his seductive ways and slept with him. The morning after, he wasn’t in bed with you, and your heart sank.

Luckily, he was in the kitchen making you breakfast.

It was all bliss from there, showering you with love, gifts and kisses for two years, and you even ended up moving in together.

And now? You barely remember what he sounds like, smells like and is like.

A distant memory, just as distant as him.

Your train of thought was suddenly interrupted as you heard 3 knocks on your door. The exact same way he had always knocked when he had forgotten (or lost) his keys.

And even though you should have let him suffer a little, you rushed to the door to open it, and in front of you, was your biggest nightmare.

It was your love, crying his eyes out, bleeding from one of many cuts on his face, looking nearly dead. He collapsed into your arms, and you could only utter a few words, along the lines of:

“How could you do this to us?”

As he was laying curled up in a ball on the couch, face plastered up, ice bag on his knee, wrapped up in a blanket, you realized. this was your que to cry.

So, you did. You cried in silence, sitting across the room from him. You weren’t mad at him for coming home late, or getting in another fight, probably the 5th just these past months, you had gotten used to that by now.

There was a whole other reason that made you cry.

He smelled like Victorias Secret Bombshell, you recognized the scent because it used to be your favorite, however, now you’ve moved onto something less sweet, and more elegant, like Caroline Herrera.

He smelled like someone who wasn’t you, his girlfriend.

He smelled like another girl.

It didn’t hurt as much as you thought it would. Maybe because the Jungkook that had come home to you that morning wasn’t your Jungkook.

Your Jungkook was varsity jackets, star of the american football team (which your school was known for), selfless and humorous, and he would always take care of you.

Your Jungkook was not ungroomed hair, cigarettes and worsening grades. He was not cold and lifeless, and he would never make you cry.

Despite this, you were carding your fingers though his hair, thumb wiping away the blood on his lips while he was sound asleep as you slowly fell asleep next to him.

Maybe it was time to let him go.

Maybe.

You woke a few hours later from your phone vibrating.

Kim Namjoon (school) [07:01 pm]

Hey Y/N! Have you started working on the statistics assignment?

If you haven’t, would you be interested in meeting at the library tomorrow? You’re really smart and i’m kinda struggling ://

You [07:03 pm]

i finished it yesterday, but if you buy me coffee i’ll come help you hehe

Kim Namjoon (school) [07:04 pm]

You’re the best, I’ll bring you a machiatto!! :D

Maybe it would be nice for you to get out of the house, even though you hate the thought of it, and you would much rather just swim in your own sorrow.

But you did go out the next day, and you helped Namjoon get a decent grade, enough to pass with good margines, he thanked you by taking you out for ramen at a convenial store not too far away.

You thanked him for the ramen with a trip to the museum, and he thanked you for the museum trip with a picnic in the park at night, which led you to crying over Jungkook in his embrace, telling him every single little detail.

He made you realize it was time to let Jungkook go and make room for new people to enter your life.

You went home that night, and you found Jungkook passed out on the couch, and you could genuienly feel your chest tighten. Soft features which stood out under the moonlight glow, disheveled brown locks which hung down in his eyes.

He was gorgeous, until you saw the credit card on the table next to three bottles of soju and an empty beer can on the floor. And you knew what he had used the credit card for, though you didn’t want to say it out loud.

You cleaned everything up, and you threw the residue of the white powder right in the trash can, and you recycled his bottles and cans before finally, nudging him to wake up.

“Jungkook, wake up.” You spat coldly, or at least you attempted to.

He groaned, rubbing his eyes before opening his eyes, and s huge smile on his face. “Y/N, you’re home!” He reached to kiss you, but you backed away.

“Y/N?” Jungkook questioned, he didn’t quite understand what your intentions were.

“Don’t try anything Jungkook. This was your last chance, and you fucked it up, again.” The room turned ice cold. “I’m getting you help Jungkook, you need help. And then...”

He understood what kind of help you meant, and since he had now sobered up, he agreed, nodding. “And then...?”

“And then.” Your words were ludged in your throat. “And then I’m leaving you.”

His whole face dropped, smile turned into the frowniest frown you had ever seen, and it was all silent before his lower lip starts trembling, and his eyes start turning glassy.

“It’s alright. Sorry for burdening you.” Was all he could say before tears rushed down his cheeks, and he started shaking.

So you did what you always had done, and you wrapped your arms around him, head resting on your chest as he sobbed.

“Is there anyone else?” he cried out before another wave of sobs hit him.

This exact question made your stomach hurt, and your throat burn. You really had no idea.

Or you did, but you didn’t want to.

You loved Jungkook so much, but you couldn’t be with him in this state. So you did what every rational person would do in this situation.

“Yeah.”

You lied.

“Oh ok. I don’t have the right to be mad do I?”

You shake your head no.

“I love you Y/N. I’m sorry I’m so messed up.”

“It’s ok.” was all he said before he fell asleep in your arms again.

That night you slither your way out of his embrace and you pack your suitcase in the dark, bringing all your essentials, trying to be as quiet as possible so you didn’t wake Jungkook.

Packing enough for two weeks or so, you make the bed and leave your t-shirt “accidentally” in the bathroom, and you make sure all his clothes are folded, and then you sort his pencil case, throwing out old pens and worn out erasers.

You leave a grocery list on the counter, and you tuck him in good under the blankets after you took his jeans and socks off so he could sleep comfortably.

You placed his vitamins and medicine by the refrigerator so he’ll see it when he goes to grab something to eat.

Puffed up pillows, a pair of sweatpants, t-shirt and underwear is now placed neatly on his bed. Then you walk into the kitchen again, and you see Jungkook still sound asleep, sniffling a little still.

There’s one last thing, and it makes you cry. It makes you sob so loud you cover your mouth and muffle the sound you make. Sinking to the floor, your whole body is in contact with the cold tiles.

Only a year ago you could never imagine yourself even shedding a single tear over something as small as this, but here you were, on the edge of a panic attack.

Two worn out, matching couple mugs still placed by the counter. one if the first things you two had bought together, as well as the necklace hanging around your neck.

Finally, you stopped crying and started cleaning the mugs, lip trembling as you dried them and placed them in the back of the cabinet.

You unhooked your necklace and laid it down on the counter, and the biggest lump formed in your throat.

Actually, there’s a little detail you forget.

You kiss Jungkook on the forehead and leave a note on the coffee table.

“Dear Jungkook,

If you want to make this up to me (this does not mean a new chance!!) you call the number at the bottom of the page. No matter what happens, I’ll always have room for you in my heart. You even have your own little VIP lobby in there. And - if it’s urgent, call. I still care for you, and I always have. You were the best boyfriend I’ve had, but good things always come to and end, don’t they? Anyways, I’m tired so this letter fucking sucks, but deep down you know how much I love you. Remember to get groceries, shower, get fresh air and study. If I forgot something you can keep it, as long as you call the number and tell them you’re my friend. They’ll help you love. Try and get a part time job too, your student loan and your dad’s money won’t last forever. Good luck Koo. Hwaiting!!

-L/N Y/N <33″

You cringe when you think of the letter’s contents, before you roll out your suitcase out of the front door, whispering a faint “Goodnight Love.” as you close and lock the door behind you.

Standing by the elevator, you cry again. This time, louder, but you still reach for your phone and type out a text to the newly edited contact in your phone.

You [02:13 am]

coming outside now, im a crying mess and im super cold, is your car heated?

sorry for making you wait btw :((

Joonie <3 [02:13 am]

dont worry about the crying part, i’ll hold you. and yeah car is heated, so waiting here wasnt all that bad. you ready for this?

You [02:14 am]

i have no idea but i cant stay here any longer and i trust you sooo

lets start our new chapter. eh?

4 months later...

He had been good to you, great even.

You had been on expensive dates, picnics, had heart to heart conversations, and he’d been so understanding.

Today, it was your 2 month anniversary, and he had asked you on a magnificent date, which he had planned every second of.

At the end of the day, you told him how you don’t love him. He said it was alright. Namjoon loved you, so much, yet he understood you needed time.

You went to sleep that day, warm in Namjoon’s embrace, wondering how Jungkook was doing.

You felt bad, but you missed Jungkook.

You were both with someone new now, and you knew he was in good hands with someone stable enough to care for him.

Before your eyes closed shut, you shed a few quiet tears and hoped that you’d fall in love with Namjoon soon, and deep down you knew you would.

#jungkook x reader #jungkook angst #namjoon smut #jungkook ff #bts ff #bts imagines #bts scenarios #namjoon ff #bangtan smut #jungkook #jeon jeongguk #jeongguk ff

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mogai-sunflowers · 2 years

Note

Can i rant/whatever the not angry but sad version of a rant is? Feel free to delete or post it, i dont mind either way.

Ive been really really working on my ocs for skyrim and their families/partners/kids and thier jobs and stories all day today and sparsely over the past 4 months. Just today i finally started to get their appearances down and i was super excited to show my gf. She however just kind of.... Played it off and said shes tired and won't remember the names even if i re-explained the main story( which would of only tooken like 5 maybe 10 minutes at most, i have an ocs backstory for a different fandom that litterally took 2 hours to explain. 5-10 mins for 3 ocs is nothing in comparison to my usual detail and nuance.) I know she worked her usual 7 hours today and im thankful she dose to help keep us afloat because thats very important and some skyrim ocs story isnt important but.... Idk.... Hearing her basically turn down a small hyperfixation rant just to turn away from me and play games on her phone without even so much as a " sorry".... That just really really really hurt..... Like a lot more than i can voice. ( i cant help but wonder if this is some kind of revenge cause i worked on an encanto animation yesterday and didnt give her as much attention as usual...)

I know she dosent hate me and she has every right to be tired and put her spoons first but idk... She's never completely dismissed my interests like this and i feel like ive been stabbed in the chest.... Showing my art and my stories is something really personal, exciting and inspiring for me and she knows that. I really love watching people get fascinated in my work and the detail so for her, one of the last(if not, thee last) people i really rely on for that confidence boost to just.... Dismiss me... It really really hurts. I waited all day to show her it and she just dose not seem to care.

Im sorry to throw this at you, i know its kinda insignificant in the grand scheme of things but i just needed to let it out to someone cause my only other friends might tell her about how this hurt me and then it'll just be this whole thing I'd rathur just... Not.

Its nothing to break up over but it still hurt. Im gonna go cry for alittle bit... Thank you for reading this. I know skyrim isnt one of your interests( that and itll be awhile before i feel like sharing my stuff again because of this.)but it helps me alittle to reach out. Rejection sensitivity be damned. Ill be ok so dont worry or anything. Thank you.

- one of your muturals lol but the front is foggy so ehsnsmsm idk who to sign off as

okay gosh i totally get how you feel!!! not to make this about me but i do relate, many times my parents have completely dismissed my hyperfixations and it's made me feel so insecure for having said hyperfixations. they're really important and rsd really sucks when it comes to not having your hyperfixations listened to or cared about.

so like, yeah. your gf had worked a lot that day. but clearly, she had the energy to turn around and play video games, so even if she didn't have social energy right then and there, it still would've been better if she'd simply told you that she wasn't up for socializing at the moment but that she did care and want to listen. and if she just didn't care, then that's on her. yes, she's not wrong for putting her spoons first but that doesn't mean you're wrong for being hurt by how she reacted.

i hope you feel better soon! and i know it can be hard to talk about your hyperfixations after getting dismissed, but you can 100% always talk to me about them, i'd love to hear and i think it's so cool that you enjoy making your skyrim ocs! hope you feel better soon anon!

#🌌written in the stars ; asks🌌

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pespillo · 2 years

Text

man.

you know what , yeah , ive been a major jackass for gd knows what long, i am bossy, i am annoying at times, i tend to take the wheel umprompted , i think I Know SOOOO much even when really im throwing stuff at the wall seeing what sticks best, i hype myself up because i legitimately feel like i need to do it , maybe im overcompensating a lot, i know i can make people feel Bad when i talk to them and criticize them , i think you all got all the right to criticize me when its due, i Should Drop Shit faster when some things turns out to be bad and not just hold the hot coal 6 months after the fact because my head tells me “there may be a chance things do an upturn right? maybe theres some inner company logistics i dont know about” n wait around like a fucking dog, barking but not biting . I Should have bitten. Maybe i should have been a kinder person sometimes , maybe i should have been a meaner person other times . And if i ever made you feel bad over something small, i Am sorry, i mean it, you deserved better.

but when i tell you all you dont know even half of me i really mean it, you guys dont know the fucking shit ive been through the past 5 years dealing with family and unemployment , i know it seems like i fucking got it alll together , that because i draw well enough to gain a measly income every month , im just living la vida loca and building this hugeee ego about my persona online , You dont fucking know me , and if you do? lemme tell you, i got dumped out from a newish group because apparently they couldnt Ever Tell me that i was a bit too bossy when roleplaying for a stupid fucking arg , they just decided to all block me and ghost me , PRETENDING to be all like “no no we wouldnt ever just cut people off like that lol” , i tried acting like i was gonna be fine, but i felt worthless and abandoned for a good ass month or two , like i did something so awful that it was just better to dump me off like that without any answers or closure , turns out , it was just some petty rp bullshit because how dare i tell someone that their writing can be a bit Much i guess. and you know what ? after i learned that this month, im done being a spineless doormat , i realized just by this stupid drama, i WAS being a doormat to cawthon , i was treating this franchise like it was a real “friend” just because im horribly mentally ill about it and let it overtake me in my late teens, and since it was sooo hard to dump a “friend” i just felt like i JUST couldnt do it full on. thats so fucking dumb isnt it?

listen i have no fucking idea where some of you get the idea that i am some kind of , harasser or some shit like, fine , if you build this idea of me in your head because you think i receive too many compliments (its not like im asking for them , i am not gonna reject Kindness) sure whatever, but i dont waste my fucking time sending anons or calling out random people for nothing, literally i just sit here having to witness vile shit out in the public from people who are legit unapologetic and then putting out a post or two saying “hey what the fuck is wrong with these people please dont expose vulnerable people to the gross shit you put out for sexual gratification”. When do i ever act like im hot shit? i feel like a fucking wimp every day of my life, i feel like im a fragile bitch about everything , like i walk around and feel like i wanna cry but im supposed to suck it alllll up because im a grown ass man now and i need to keep people i care about safe , at all costs, even if most of the time i really wanna say “i wanna kill myself” .

ive said this before, but i am not gonna lay my guts in the sun for strangers to gawk and look at me , not anymore. this is the LAST time i am laying down my problems like this , if you want to seriously talk to me. do it , do it because i literally dont care about blocking random people , i am not gonna fucking block any of you unless you legitimately want me to or , actively try harassing me or harm me or others . And i have good faith in so many people, you should feel good about yourself for having guts to tell it like it is.

anyways, i wish everyone a happy new year´s eve or just , a happy new year, keep yourselves safe and have a good time

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bitimdrake · 3 years

Note

You totally should make a post about Tim and dating! It's a little fun to joke about him being a bit 'haphazard' with his relationships, but still. I can see his relationship with Tam being casual considering the number of times he said she was 'just a friend', but I do think he and Zo were proper together. Like when Ives says that Steph was just an old friend to reassure Zo when she saw them go off together. That implies to me some level of exclusivity, or at least in her head? Maybe that's it?

Anonymous asked: I would very much be interested in a post like that

(anon, I am pretty sure you are referencing the same thing based on when I got this ask, but just hit me back if I have completely misunderstood)

That’s fair! I do think this is partially up to interpretation, and I personally tend to believe characters are not officially dating until it is made explicit, especially with the grey area that can exist between ‘going on dates with someone’ and ‘dating someone with the promise of monogamy.’

I could answer these asks much more simply, and I know you already know a lot of this having seen your meta, but I like being thorough and making things hard on myself...

So instead let’s go through a run down of all of Tim’s (pre52) love interests, in chronological order!

Honorable Mention: Lynx I

Tim meets the first Lynx (Ling No-last-name-provided) in his original mini series Robin (1991). Tim goes to Paris to study martial arts and joins a fellow student at a club, where Lynx flirts with him. He’s 13, maybe 14 in this, so yes it is very weird!

Tim tries to bow out before discovering she’s tied up in a gang and in an unhealthy relationship with the gang’s leader, and immediately turns into a dumb boy and tries to save her--completely missing that she neither needs nor wants saving.

Lynx continues to move up in the world, taking over the gang, moving to Gotham, and regularly appearing as one of Tim’s rogues. The comics sometimes try to hint at a Batman/Catwoman type dynamic, but it’s never really there.

Dating Verdict: Definitely not dating.

Ariana Dzerchenko

Tim meets Ariana a little later in his third mini-series, Robin III: Cry of the Huntress (1992), first as Tim Drake, then as Robin when he saves her from a kidnapping. He stays in touch in his civilian persona, and they’ve started dating off-screen by the time his ongoing Robin (1993-) series starts. It’s a very “14-year-olds who think this is the most important relationship they’ll ever have” vibe.

Unfortunately, along with the usual immature fights, the secret identity thing leads to a lot of conflict. Ari is already insecure over his secrecy by the third issue of the series (though at this point, she is completely off-base about there being someone else).

[panels from Robin #3. Tim, dressed as Robin, lies to Ari over the phone about why he’s been so unavailable lately, and she asks if he’s seeing someone else]

Tim is constantly unavailable, zones out or falls asleep when they're together, and sometimes outright stands her up--all for Robin-related reasons, but still making for a pretty terrible boyfriend. Sometimes she can’t get in contact with him for weeks! At one point, he misses a date when Robin gets trapped, she ends up going out with someone else behind his back (Robin #5), and when she tearfully confesses a couple months later...he falls asleep in the middle of it (Robin #9).

Dating Verdict: Definitely dating.

Despite the many ups and downs in their relationship, Tim and Ari keep dating for a long time, all the way up until Robin #56. The end of their relationship overlaps with:

Stephanie Brown

So Steph was actually introduced before Ari in a little story arc with her dad as the villain, but she returns as a recurring character in the Robin series. Steph is blatantly interested in Tim, but for a long time, Tim is very clearly not:

[panels from Robin #26. Stephanie flirts with Tim and Tim balks. “It’s a date.” / “It’s NOT a date, Steph.”]

And this isn’t just Tim bluffing--his private narration, talks with Dick, and occasional dream sequence, make it very clear he genuinely wants to be with Ariana and only Ariana.

[a clipped panel from Robin #29. Tim, speaking to Dick: “I don’t want a different girl.”]

It’s only in Robin #41 where we first start to see hints that Stephanie’s crush might be reciprocated. Tim and Ari are banned from seeing each other, after their parents get the mistaken impression they were going to have sex, and Tim joins Spoiler on a case:

[a page from Robin #41. Tim, in narration: “I could have passed on this. I could just not meet Stephanie Brown. I’m telling myself I’m doing it for her safety. I’m telling myself it’s not because I can’t see Ariana and I kind of like being around Steph. I’ve almost got myself believing it. So why do I feel like a rat?”]

...and this is where we really get into the love triangle nonsense, as opposed to just the Tim/Ari relationship with Steph pining from a distance. Arianna likes and misses Tim. Tim likes Ariana, but he’s not allowed to see her, and being with someone who doesn’t know he’s Robin is hard. Stephanie likes Robin. Tim likes Steph and finds it much easier to talk to someone who knows him as Robin rather than Tim Drake, and feels guilty about it.

Tim and Ari are finally allowed to see each other again in Robin #54, where Tim is genuinely happy to be back with her, but that love triangle remains.

[panels from Robin #54. Tim narrates about being happy to have Ariana back and determined to not let things change, while they drive together. The Spoiler costume lays on the backseat, symbolically between them.]

Things keep escalating with Steph, and Tim knows he should put a stop to it. After a date with Ari, he meets Spoiler for a case, and tells her that they can’t be part of each other’s lives because she can’t know his real identity...and then is delighted and very much does not break things off when she’s says that’s fine with her.

[panels from Robin #56. After Stephanie says that’s just fine with her, she and Tim embrace and kiss. Tim’s narration: “This is what I’ve wanted. Even if I didn’t know it for sure until right now. So why do I feel so rotten?”]

In that same issue, Tim knows he has to break up with Ariana and (after Alfred tells him that a letter is poor form), goes to do so...only for Ariana to suggest breaking up before he can tell her anything. It’s very abrupt considering Ariana’s feelings up until this point, and almost certainly just to clear the way for a writer-preferred relationship, but there it is.

Cheating Verdict: Definitely cheating. Tim fended off Steph’s crush for awhile, but he hung out with her despite his own feelings, and kissed her while still dating Ariana.

Stephanie and Tim, of course, go on to date for a long time (a year or two in-universe). After all I’ve talked about Ariana, I feel like I should talk about Steph more, but I’m here to list who Tim dated and if he cheated and it seems a little too obvious that he and Steph definitely did date for me to need to prove it. So, I’ll just...

Dating Verdict: Definitely dating. The longest and most dedicated relationship either of them had.

Much later, in Robin #125, Tim’s dad makes him quit being Robin after finding out the secret. Tim and Steph are clearly still dating, but he has to lay low for a while with his dad on the look out. Though Steph is delighted to see him again and they’re clearly still in love, per Steph: “what sort of boyfriend goes three weeks without seeing the girl he claims to love?”

(answer: Tim. This is a certified Tim Drake Move. Consistently available, he is not.)

Unfortunately, when Steph goes to check up on him at school, she sees:

Honorable Mention: Darla Aquista

A friend of Tim’s from school, Darla had an unreciprocated crush on him. She kisses him while Steph is watching--and Steph misses the part where Tim pushes her away.

[a page from Robin #126. Spoiler sees Darla kiss Tim and angrily leaves. Tim pushes Darla away and tells her he’s in a committed relationship and not interested.]

Cheating Verdict: No cheating, despite assumptions. Darla kissed Tim against his will.

Steph goes off to be Robin at this point, avoiding Tim. They talk over the phone in Robin #127 and agree to meet up, but Steph blows him off for Robin work (ah, the tables, they turn). She dies before they speak again.

Darla dies in the same War Games event...and then is brought back via magic, with new added evil. She retains a--much more dogged now--crush on Tim. He is even less interested than before.

Dating Verdict: Not dating. Tim had no interest before or after her death.

More Honorable Mentions:

a.k.a. a list of kisses or one-sided crushes people had on a Tim, because I guess being a male comic book hero just elicits that kind of thing constantly.

Dava, a somewhat-villainous minor character in a Robin story, has that “we are a boy and a girl written by a straight author” type of energy with Tim, and kisses him in order to slip him a super-speed drug. This is while Tim and Ari are technically together but not allowed to see each other, before he and Steph get together. Dava is pretty opposed to Tim ideologically and never appears again.

Cissie King-Jones, fellow member of Young Justice kisses Tim when she quits the team, but this seems more for dramatic effect than anything. The pair carry on as platonic friends.

While Tim and Steph were dating, Secret/“Suzie”/Greta Hayes, also of Young Justice, has a huge crush on Tim, and a barely-restrained evil side, leading to her initiating various conflicts with Stephanie whenever she appeared.

After Stephanie’s death, Ilsa von Hammer, a whole-ass adult woman and part of the U.S. army, kisses known-teenager Robin after a successful team up mission. Yeah.

One year later, Rose Wilson tries to hit on Tim by...waiting naked in his bed. Tim fends her off, uncomfortable with the whole thing.

(I feel like I must have missed someone here, but this is everything I can remember.)

Verdicts: No dating and no cheating here; Tim never initiated anything with any of these characters and often was explicitly not interested in them.

Cassie Sandsmark

A year after Kon’s death (and while Stephanie is still thought dead), over in Teen Titans, Tim and Cassandra Sandsmark get together through shared grief over Kon.

Honestly, this relationship is a train wreck. The pair first kiss in TT #37 after talking about missing Conner, insist it was a mistake, and largely refuse to talk about it until another kiss in TT #49. Their relationship becomes a big time-travel-related plot point in the very next arc, where they decide to move on from Conner and give it a real go...and then break up right after in TT #55.

[panels from Teen Titans vol 3 #55. Cassie breaks up with Tim, saying she needs time alone to really get over Conner. Tim is upset, saying, “I thought we were--I thought you were going to tell me--Wow. Wow, did I misread that one.” He brings up their relationship potentially foiling a bad future and Cassie is annoyed.]

(I stand by my “train wreck” judgement. It 100% feels like these two got together out of shared grief, and then only stayed together because they were trying to prove others--eventually including their future selves--wrong.)

Dating Verdict: Dating, but very briefly. (Per Cassie: “We were barely even going out!”)

Robin and Teen Titans don’t reference each other very often, and the continuity between them is slim. The Tim/Cassie plot in Teen Titans and the first half of the Tim/Zo plot (below) in Robin both happen around 2007. Neither book ever references the other girl, and there’s no indication that either is being cheated on. (This sort of thing isn’t unique; plenty of characters who are in multiple books will have very different emotional arcs between the books, or two love interests unintentionally at the same time.) If you want to, you absolutely can chose to interleave these issues so that Tim is two-timing--but, having done my best to read all Tim’s appearances in chronological order, I can say it is also pretty easy to sort things so that Tim and Zo call it off before Tim and Cassie get together.

Cheating Verdict: Definitely not written to be cheating and definitely does not have to be cheating, but it’s possible if you’re cynical.

Zoanne Wilkins

A thousand words later and I finally reach what we were talking about!!

Zo is introduced in Robin #150, a year plus after Stephanie’s death, and meets Tim in #152. Tim has transferred schools, after temporarily dropping out, and she is assigned as his peer tutor. They bond as smart kids and quickly become friends.

A kidnapping and a kiss later, Tim asks her out, and they go on what is explicitly a first date on a Friday night in Robin #159. The date goes well, and they are both on board for a second:

[panels from Robin #159]

...but by the time Monday morning comes in the next issue, Tim is already distracted by Robin. Tim insists that he had a good time and he’ll call her when he can, but he also kind of blows her off about hanging out that night. The next time they see each other, Zo calls things to a stop:

[two pages from Robin #161. Zo mentions that Tim already has a pattern of blowing her off and being distant, and suggests they stop after their one date and go back to being friends. She leaves the door open to try again, if he’s ever in the right place for it.]

...and that’s pretty much why I don’t think they were ever in a real relationship. Zo explicitly says they’re not boyfriend and girlfriend and have only been on one date here, and her condition for getting back together (Tim being available and having time for it) is never fulfilled.

(I will note here that this is blatantly contradicted by Robin Annual #7, which came out somewhere around the same time, where Zo refers to herself as Tim’s girlfriend...but I will always opt for prioritizing ongoings over annuals and oneshots.)

Things are a little strained when they run into each other in Robin #163. In #164, Tim apologizes for being weird about it and asks for some time to get back to normal. In #166, there’s a hint that Zoanne might have moved on with another boy, who in a previous appearance called her hot:

[panels from Robin #166. Zoanne is called away from talking with Tim by a boy, Greg, who asks, “You ready?” They leave together]

...though this panel doesn’t necessarily confirm if Zo and Greg are dating or just hanging out.

(Note: When I’m trying to create one cohesive continuity, this is roughly where I insert the Tim/Cassie plot from Teen Titans.)

The next few issues are fully focused on Robin business. Zo isn’t mentioned and doesn’t reappear until Robin #170, where she and Tim are once again on good terms:

[panels from Robin #170. Tim begs off joining a group hang out, claiming he has to write a paper, and insists Zo should go without him.]

This is where I think there’s a genuine question if they’ve gotten back together. The way Tim is talking could indicate that he and Zo are together, and so him not joining them is notable--but considering Tim has been Going Through It in these issues and is no more available than before, it seems weird that things would have changed. I do think he’s supposed to be holding hands with her in that bottom left panel, but that doesn’t confirm a dedicated monogamous relationship (or even necessarily a romance at all)...and it could be Zo and her other friend holding hands.

The next issue is where Tim infamously falls asleep on a roller coaster:

[panels from Robin #171. Tim wakes up on a roller coaster. Zo storms off afterwards, and Tim is teased by two friends.]

...and, again, I can see this interpreted as a date or not. Zo is very upset with him, which could indicate this was supposed to be a date! (Or she could just be upset at her constantly-distant friend.) They’re there with other friends, which could indicate this is not a date! (Or that it’s a double or group date.)

I will also add Tim’s narration in the next panel for completeness: “Zo’s dad told me she took a hammer to her cell phone. Well, that frees up my evening anyhow. And maybe every evening into infinity.”

Zo has brief, not notable appearances in Robin #177 and the Robin/Spoiler Special. Then in Robin #178:

[a panel from Robin #178. Ives: “Don’t worry, Zo. They’re just old friends.” Zo: “Not that we seem to be much more lately...” Tim’s narration: “My stomach churns. It’s not even a triangle. Me and Zoanne Wilkins and Stephanie Brown plus Robin and Spoiler. Leave it to me to come up with a love pentagon.”]

...which I can again make two arguments for. Is Zo saying that she (and maybe Ives) doesn’t seem to be much more than old friends with Tim now--i.e. that their friendship feels like it’s ending and is just in the past? Or is she saying that she and Tim don’t seem to be much more than friends now--i.e. that they are theoretically supposed to be romantically involved (”more than friends”) but he isn’t acting like it?

Ives telling her not to worry and Tim musing about love triangles in narration could indicate the latter--but I would again argue that both of those could also easily be said to/about someone who is known to have romantic feelings for Tim, relationship or not.

Dating Verdict: I do think all of this was meant to indicate they made up and started dating for real, but considering that is never made explicit and doesn’t fit with Zo’s established characterizations and their initial split...I prefer intentionally interpreting it as a drawn-out ‘will they/won’t they.’

Now, between Tim falling asleep on that roller coaster, and that last panel I posted, Stephanie comes back. Tim finds out in Robin #174, and immediately kisses her.

She remains a consistent presence through the rest of the series, but there’s no hint of a resumed romantic relationship between them during this era...though they definitely never got over each other. Tim refers to her as his “not-girlfriend” in #180, and admits he still loves her in #182, but he has too many issues with her fake death and actions through these issues for that to mean anything more.

There’s also a contrast to the Ari and Steph situation to be noted here--even before Tim kissed Stephanie the first time, he was well aware he was toeing the line in spending time with her while dating Ari, and agonized over his guilt and conflicted feelings constantly. But with Zo and Steph, there’s none of that to be found in Tim’s narration outside that single “love triangle” mention. Tim does a lot of questioning over whether he trusts Steph and how he feels about her now, but doesn’t mention Zo or any Zo-related guilt while with Steph.

Cheating Verdict: If you interpret Tim and Zo as having gotten together for real, then yes, he definitely kissed another girl of his own free will while in a relationship. Personally, I’m inclined to give him a little leeway, considering he does so immediately after discovering the thought-dead girlfriend he never got over is still alive, and there’s nothing to indicate a continued romantic dalliance between them...but Tim is a terrible maybe-boyfriend to Zo in plenty of other ways already. If he’s still mourning his dead ex, maybe he shouldn’t get into a new relationship.

Tamara Fox

Tim and Tam first meet in Red Robin #5 and are immediately held captive by the League of Assassins together. Tam talks about feeling safe with Tim, and Tim is very focused on protecting civilian Tam...as well as every other ally he has. As soon as they escape, a very relieved and ecstatic Tam kisses Tim, to his clear surprise.

(Honestly, I find Tim/Tam to be largely built on the assumption that a boy and girl in a story must be romantic--not because they’re incompatible or anything, but because the story is so thoroughly focused on Tim’s vigilante life at this point that there’s little time spent on fleshing out relationships.)

The pair head back to Gotham in Red Robin #9, and each get narration marking a clear mutual attraction. From Tim: "I know I can trust her, after everything we went through. ...God, she’s gorgeous.” And soon after from Tam: “I hate Tim Drake. ...God, he’s cute, though.”

It’s not until Red Robin #16 that they start to define the relationship. Per Tim: “I met Tam at the Gotham University diner. Was it a date or a meal? What were we? What would I have liked us to be? I didn’t know...” Tam does some friendly teasing about Tim being unable to ask her on a date, so he plucks up the courage--only to be immediately and predictably interrupted.

[a page from Red Robin #16. Tim falteringly asks Tam on a date. She teases him a bit, but Tim gets a text before they can say any more and leaves on vigilante business. Tam looks disappointed.]

It’s unclear if they actually go on that date. Tam travels alongside Tim as part of his WE charity Neon Knights initiative, and to help with his secret vigilante work, but in Red Robin #18, the relationship is still explicitly undefined per Tim’s narration: “Better figure out where we stand eventually. Dating, but not dating. Interested, but scared.” Red Robin #20 is the first time we get confirmation of a real date: “Two nights after getting from Moscow, Tam Fox and I celebrated our success with a date.”

...but between crossovers and vigilante plots, Tam only has two more appearances, and it’s not really said or shown if they ever solidified that relationship. In Red Robin #23, Tim fakes Lucius’s death and comforts Tam without telling her the truth. And in Red Robin #25, Tam discovers the lie, slaps him, and furiously calls him out:

[panels from Red Robin #25. Tam yells at Tim that she understands but can’t forgive him and that he hurts the people closest to him. “I...fell in love with Red Robin because he was so...cool... But I think the man wearing the mask is just...cold.” In narration, Tim questions if she’s out of his life for good.]

And that’s the last we see of her! This is very subject to interpretation, but this page reads to me like she has very deep feelings, but has never actually said the word “love” out loud in relation to them before. We know from narration that Tim likes her a lot, but between that narration, onscreen actions, and his general personality in this era, I don’t think he’s ever really expressed that.

Dating Verdict: You can reasonably argue that they did date, but this time I actually do think we’re intended to interpret this as a casual thing with serious potential, that never fully got off the ground.

Honorable Mention: Lynx II

In the midst of Tim’s time as Robin, the first Lynx died, and a new one emerged. Tim briefly encounters her in Robin #179-182, but the potential love interest element doesn’t come in until Red Robin. In #13 they fight, Tim narrating about how beautiful she is, before she’s arrested.

In Red Robin #17--so after Tim asks Tam out, but while they are still explicitly in an undefined “dating but not dating” relationship--Tim breaks Lynx out after her claims of being an undercover Honk Kong cop. Narration: “My heart says I don’t need a lifelong Catwoman on my hands...but my gut tells me I’m going to get one anyway.” And sure enough we get a very sexually-charged kiss, with Tim narrating how it is a dumb thing he really shouldn’t be doing.

Lynx has just one more appearance, in Red Robin #23--right before Lucius’s faked death and Tam’s subsequent anger. There’s another fight, and another kiss, and some typical dithering from Tim on the subject in relation to her undercover status: “In front of her gangers, she has to fight back. But away from them, she--we--what? What is this between us?”

Unlike our other honorable mentions, everything here is requited and consensual. It’s not particularly deep and I’d be hard pressed to see it as more than physical attraction, but Tim regularly narrates about Lynx being beautiful/hot, and is perfectly happy to make out with her before his better judgement inevitably steps in.

Dating Verdict: No.

Cheating Verdict: Per the last section, I don’t think Tim and Tam were ever in a committed monogamous relationship, so not cheating. Just some noncommittal bullshit. (But if you think there was a real Tim/Tam relationship, then the kiss with Lynx in RR#23 would indeed be after they got together and before they split.)

Final Thoughts

I’ve never really focused on romance in my comics reading, but after scanning through a bunch of comics for this post, I felt like I had enough thoughts to add in this final section.

Tim definitely did cheat on Ari, and that is a shitty thing. I don’t think the ways people are awful as 14-year-olds doom them to be awful forever and I stand by my argument that Tim is not a serial cheater--but he is an often terrible boyfriend.

He’s noncommittal and conflict-averse, which led him to cheat on Ariana as a kid and to have drawn out “are we dating or not” relationships later on. He’s too devoted to Robin to ever date anyone who only knows him as Tim Drake. He uses his Tim Drake life (and girls in it) to avoid problems in his Robin life, and vice versa. Even when fully committed to someone and head-over-heels, he doesn’t communicate well and seems to think not talking to an S.O. for a week is totally normal and okay.

His relationships with girls who only know half of his life are doomed to fail, but even among the three with girls who know both Tim and Robin--Steph, Cassie, Tam--only his relationship with Steph feels like it has a real chance of working. They have early problems as dumb kids, later problems as teens in their first serious relationship, and even more problems added on via dramatic comic book plots, but they also have not just genuine affection, but a genuine understanding and desire to work through issues that the other relationships listed here lack.

After Steph’s “death,” Tim can’t commit to anyone while still mourning her. By the time he finally has closure with her in Red Robin, all his other losses and depression have made him shut himself off from emotion anyway. By the end of preboot, all Tim is able to invest himself in is vigilante work, and sometimes it seems like he’s just going through the motions elsewhere, including in romance.

Tim/Steph has enough content to merit plenty of posts of its own. Could they ever make it work with all the baggage? Should they? Could it have worked between them in a nicer universe? Is it a healthy relationship? Who is at fault for the issues in and eventual dissolution of their relationship?

...but I’m so very tired of thinking and talking about romance, so I will not be tackling any of those questions here.

Thanks for the asks! Sorry (?) for this novel I wrote and I hope you enjoyed it.

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badatjokezz · 3 years

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Haikyuu!! Rare Pair Fic Recs

i’ve been so hype about some Hq rarepairs lately now imma list some of my fav fanfics, mostly OiSuga mwehehe....

(probably gonna add some more in the future)

Oisuga (Oikawa x Sugawara)

1. Stuck in the Middle With You by overlymetaromantic

It's not the kind of blossoming relationship either of them would expect, but maybe, just maybe, it could lead to something good.

1. In which Suga and Oikawa run into each other on a late night convenience store run.

2. In which Suga and Oikawa inadvertently switch bags and end up with the other’s uniform.

3. In which Suga gives Oikawa the lecture he doesn't want but probably needs, and Oikawa might accidentally be a little in love.

4. In which Oikawa won't shut up about Suga, and Iwaizumi plays matchmaker just to make him stop.

5. In which there is not a date, and Suga likes spicy things much more than sweet.

6. In which Karasuno and Aobajousai hold training camps in the same neck of the woods, and the trip back proves to be more revealing than it probably should.

7. In which there might just be a future to this after all.

(Dis is so fluffy i might die)

2. moving on (growing up) by _helios (neocitz)

‘I’ll do it,’ Suga says, walking into their prep school and dropping his bag on the floor next to Oikawa. He shoves the melon bun and drink forward into Oikawa’s hands, and stands there looking down at him because he knows that he needs to not chicken out.

‘You’ll do what?’ Oikawa looks up through his glasses, eyes wide and confused as the other students stream in around them.

‘The fake dating thing, I’ll do it.’

‘Fuck. Yes.’ Oikawa says with a fist pump.

(It’s been AGES since i read Fake/Pretend Relationship fic, this one is goood)

3. how strange, to be remembered by venusintwelfthFandoms

"He is not formed of the type of dust that makes up stars. Suga is not the type of person that stays in the mind of one like Oikawa Tooru, ten years later. He is formed of the type of dust you shake off, the type that settles into the ground."

Ten years after Suga last steps off a high-school court, Oikawa recollects a "Mr. Refreshing" in a post-game interview, and Suga is left scrambling.

(Cute one-shot, Oikawa still remember Mr. Refreshing from Karasuno)

4. all the small things by Authoress for lemedy

Sugawara Koushi.

Oikawa’s brain supplies the name of the person standing at the other end of the aisle before Oikawa can even register him, attuned to spitting out facts about other volleyball players on a second’s notice, even after all these years. Karasuno High vice-captain. 174 cm…no, more like 176 now. Skilled at raising morale and bringing an element of surprise to their strategy. Troublesome. Refreshing. Setter.

The enemy.

(Single Dad! Oikawa, cuuutee ugh)

5. Win Some by kingdra (aroceu) for Icie

Tooru does not have a problem, its name is certainly not Sugawara Koushi, and he is not going to the Karasuno practices just to watch him. Regardless of whatever Iwa-chan says.

(High school romane~)

6. Even as bright as you are? by BKAKCANON

That night when he goes to sleep, he includes "the safety of fairies" on his prayers, making a promise to whoever was listening him, that he'd protect all the fairies and keep their secret safe forever.

[Where Oikawa meets Suga when they are kids and Oikawa believes Suga is secretly a fairy and decides he has to protect his secret all costs.]

(This is basically matches my headcanon)

7. getting to know you by oisugasuga

Suga feels like he’s back on the court then, his heart thudding hard in his ears… so hard he almost misses what Oikawa says. Unfortunately, though, he doesn’t.

"My, my. What a surprise," Oikawa Tooru says. And then… "Hello, Mr. Refreshing."

(Haven’t finished yet but DAMN I LOVE OIKAWA AND SUGA IN HERE, single dad! oikawa, and Suga babysitting oikawa’s kid, def slow burn. Imma follow this fic till death)

8. Dear Reader by hyirule

No one seems to read the paper anymore. But Oikawa likes to for the sports section. One day he finds himself reading a section called "Dear Reader" and finds a submission he can relate to.

Basically messages sent through a page on a newspaper brings to unlikely souls together, who maybe have more in common than they first thought.

(Cannon compliant, simple and... refreshing(?))

9. rest by shicchaan

Tooru looks at the sleeping person beside him as he waits for the lights change into green. The growing fringe of his husband started to cover his eyes but he can still see the beautiful birthmark under the silver haired's left eye.

(Established relationship, fluff fluff!!!)

10. long is the road (that leads me home) by ichweissnichtauch

He thinks about himself, deleting contacts from his phone and throwing coffee cups away without even looking at the string of numbers scrawled in Sharpie ink underneath, and he’s tired of hiding, tired of carefully treading the lines he’d drawn for himself all those years ago.

Just this once, Tooru wants— he thinks he wants to be brave.

Oikawa Tooru is not a stranger to wanting.

(like... 20% Oisuga but i like the way this story follows the Cannon till he get to Argentina)

11. It's Always Been About You by mintycarrots

Every time Tooru had envisioned meeting his soulmate, it was a confession of love, filled with tears of happiness and a lot of making out. It would be a faceless petite girl that would support Tooru in whatever he chose to pursue and would understand when Tooru prioritized volleyball over all else.

It was never a boy on the rival team.

(Soulmate AU)

12. a play in three acts by venusintwelfth

"The first time Sugawara Koushi sees Oikawa Tooru play, he thinks that if he wasn’t so set on volleyball, he’d do well in theater."

the first seijoh x karasuno match through the eyes of suga.

(Kinda poetic i guess, well written af)

13. colors by dazeful

Sugawara Koushi's colorful life as an archer.

(this is like the perfect oisuga one shot ive ever read)

___

IwaSuga (Iwaizumi x Sugawara)

1. And so the moon cried by iwriteinpenFandoms:

The hillocks are the domain of unearthly creatures. Creatures of rot and fog, of music and dance. Like ghosts in the night they travel without leaving footprints, they disappear in a flurry of long dresses and pale hair. Those who are fated to see them risk curses far worse than death. You may hear them, a giggle in the wind. You may smell them, the smell of the fog rolling in through the trees. You should pray you never see them. Iwaizumi Hajime is a simple man. He works a simple farm job and enjoys simple things. After one morning where he woke next to a perfect circle of death and only the memory of brown eyes and cold hands, he finds himself inexplicably drawn to the forest. Will the tales of his childhood play out with him at the center or will he have to disregard all reason?

(Danish Folklore AU)

2. Cry Just A Little by DreadfulMind

Suga was whistling a tune to himself as he opened the door to the bathroom, so he didn't hear the muffled crying through the door. But he could hear it clearly once he was inside. He heard the sharp sob of someone trying to stop.

"Iwaizumi?" He asked, "are you sure you're alright?"

(Simple but c u t e)

3. Generations by Karasuno Volleygays (ToBeOrNotToBeAGryffindor), mozaikmage

Professional sports blogger Sugawara Koushi writes an article about a volleyball match that bears special meaning to him and his former kouhai: a showdown between Kitagawa Daiichi and Yukigaoka Middle School, ten years after the teams faced off for the first time. He doesn't plan on capturing the attention of the world of sports journalism, and he certainly doesn't expect himself to end up having a thing for one of the coaches involved, one Iwaizumi Hajime.

(Time-Skip, I loved it)

___

KuroTsuki (Kuroo x Tsukishima)

1. Invictus by Chiru

Kuroo T. » So let me get this straight (gay?) Kuroo T. » You want me to pretend to be your perfect and fabulous boyfriend, so that your little freckled friend will stop trying to set you up with cute little highschool girls? Tsukishima Kei » yes Kuroo T. » Aha. Tsukishima Kei » you'll do it? Kuroo T. » I don't know. I missed the part where I get something out of it. Tsukishima Kei » you get to annoy me. Unfortunately Kuroo T. » Tempting, Tsukki, very tempting indeed.

(Fake/Pretend Relationship, some fluff, some angst, i read this in the middle of the night and cried, fortunately happy ending)

2. hold onto hope if you got it by nekolyssi

"Now, in the beginning of their third year of high school, the obnoxious hollering and incessant spirit of his teammates became normalcy to Kei. And now, normalcy is this. Weekly psych meetings. Pharmacy waiting rooms. Prescriptions. Refusal of prescriptions. More prescriptions."

(Not finished yet but yep prolly gonna put this one to one of those best haikyuu fics ive ever read. I wasnt so interested at first but i really like the idea of mental ilness etc, this is g o o d!!)

3. [KuroTsuki Fest Week 2017] Traces by Heartythrills

Kuroo’s disappeared for a little over a week now, and suddenly a 4 year old who looks like him appears before Tsukishima’s apartment.

(Age regression, fluff)

4. I swear by xArtemisx

Like the shadow that's by your side I'll be there

"What are you doing here, Tetsu? It's cold." Kei asked softly. Tetsurou smiled. Hearing his name came out of Kei's lips is always music to his ears.

"Nothing. I just came to think that whatever memory we make, may it be happy or sad memories, the bright moon and the starry night sky is always there to be the witness. Did you notice?" The alpha answered and Kei nodded. He also noticed it.

"Yes, I did noticed it."

(I love agony and sad ending....)

5. Honeybee by ClosetGoblin

Tsukishima has trouble sleeping one night during a Third Gym Camping Trip. So, he takes his acoustic guitar and passes the time with some music, and gets a visitor. Maybe he doesn't mind Kuroo's voice as he does the screeching that Lev and Hinata call singing.

(Simple but sweet)

6. Say You Like Me by the_madame21

It's been three months. And Tsukishima Kei is going to see Kuroo Tetsurou.

(light angst and.. s m u t. Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamic)

7. trying to get to you by mytsukkishine

Everything came crashing down on Kuroo when Kei had left him alone with nothing but the moon shining down on him.

Wherein, Kuroo was struggling to move on and decided that he wouldn't mind being with Kei again.

(sad beginning? yes. sad ending? y e s. you’re a masochist? come get your juice)

8. Please Hold by ThemooncatFandoms

Kei was expecting Kuroo to do one of two things; Send a text to the office saying that they will have to call back another time and continue what they started, or excuse himself from Kei to answer the call, which was most likely. He shouldn’t have been surprised when Kuroo does neither of those things.

(short but hot. what’s hotter than quiet sex?)

___

Ushijima x Oikawa

1. This Insignificant Pride and Prejudice by Mysecretfanmoments, Pouler (poulerslashes)

Oikawa Tooru graduated high school with the burning desire to succeed in his college career. He'd hoped that might include taking down his arch-nemesis along the way, but when he finds that his college team hosts an offensively familiar face, he can't help but think that the universe might be conspiring against him. After all, what could be worse than playing on the same team as Ushijima?

(It was funny for me reading oikawa/ushijima fic with that “you should’ve come to Shiratorizawa” joke at first but somehow i found this one... endearing :3, cute poor ushiwaka)

___

Atsumu x Nishinoya

1. All the things I love about Yuu by KilluCoulomb

Atsumu Miya is fixated in Nishinoya. The way the boy acts, talks, plays. He Carefully observes from afar, but he slowly warms up to the Libero. Friendship becomes more and more intimate. Atsumu realizes Nishinoya is not that simple guy he met three years ago. And he loves it.

(pro volleyball players AU)

2. i'll see you then by noyabeans (snowdrops)

Nishinoya Yuu and Miya Atsumu build a rivalry and something more.

“Oh, it's Karasuno’s libero,” he says, mildly surprised to see Nishinoya’s face staring back at him from the brochure, grinning wide with his arms folded over his chest.

Contains spoilers for the current manga arc, up to chapter 380.

#oisuga #kurotsuki #oikawa x sugawara #kuroo x tsukishima #iwasuga #iwaizumi x sugawara #ushijima x oikawa #ushioi #atsunoya #haikyuu!!#fic recs

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hold-me-sickfics · 3 years

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14 Days: J-Hope (Part 1)

Aaaaaand we’re at J-Hope! I had to split this fic into two parts because I wanted to do an injury/hospital and then a “back at home recovering.” Huge thank you to @thatoneemokpop-02 for the help on ideas and proofreading and all the support! (BTW: thanks to them, there will be a few major fluffy and sweet moments in part two!)

TW: Emeto, injury (broken bones), fainting, hospital, anxiety/panic attack, food (if there are any I missed, please let me know!)

Prompt: Dance practice has been grueling. Every day, Hoseok has been in the studio practicing from 6:30 a.m. till around 8:00 p.m. at night. The others tell him it’s too much, but he insists that he’s just going over the routines on video for part of it, and that he’s taking breaks regularly. The members all know that Hoseok is overworking himself, but they can’t keep him from it. But what happens when Hoseok finally pushes himself over the edge, and makes a mistake? The kind that might keep him off his feet for a couple weeks…

“Is he home yet?” Namjoon came into the apartment and closed the door. The air outside was frigid, so he was glad he’d worn a thick coat.

“Nope. Won’t even answer his phone.” Jin tapped away at the keypad, dialing Hoseok’s number again.

A couple seconds later, Jin turned the phone to face Namjoon and put it on speaker.

“We’re sorry. Your call could not be completed as dialed. Please check the number and try again.” The dial tone started up once again. Jin hit the end call button and placed the phone on the counter.

“I can’t believe this. He swore he’d be home by 8:00.” Namjoon sat down and placed his face in his hands. “He’s gonna hurt himself Jin. He’s putting too much stress on his body and I don’t know if he even cares. He’s so consumed with perfecting those routines that he’s pushing himself too hard.”

Jin brought over a mug of coffee.

“I know. I wish he’d take a break, but the best thing is just to wait until he perfects it and calms down on his own.”

Before Namjoon finished his coffee, Hoseok half-stumbled through the door.

“I thought you were gonna be home by 8.” Namjoon took another sip.

“Sorry. Just wanted to do one more run through.”

“It’s 11:30 at night Hoseok. You’ve gotta stop.”

“Don’t worry about me. I’m alright. See?” Hoseok straightened up and showed the others that he was alright.

“I’m not gonna let you run yourself into the ground like this! What if you get hurt?” Namjoon didn’t mean to raise his voice, he just felt so worried that he couldn’t help himself.

“Easy Joon. I think he gets it.” Jin looked the dancer over.

“Hobi, are you alright? You look really pale.” Jin touched his palm to Hoseok’s face.

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine.” Hobi looked at Namjoon weakly.

“Hobi, I’m sorry. I’m sorry okay? I just… I worry. Jungkook just got stitches put in a couple months ago, and he’s just now back. I don’t want anything to happen to you or any of us for that matter.”

“It’s alright Joon.” Hoseok half-smiled to show him that it was okay. “I’m just gonna go to sleep. I think I need rest more than anything. Goodnight guys.” Hoseok got up slowly and went to his room.

“I’m really worried Jin.” Namjoon took the last sip of coffee, and then placed the mug in the sink.

“I am too. But, there isn’t anything we can do right now. Honestly, Joon you need to rest yourself. You’ve got that Zoom meeting with BigHit in the morning and you look like you’ve been up for days.” Jin rubbed his back.

“Maybe you’re right.”

Jin and Namjoon prepared for bed, but little did they know, Hoseok was in a lot more pain than he let on.

Hoseok could feel each muscle in his body just aching- aching like they had been put through a ringer and then put back in him. He refused to take any pain meds, and just hoped that a hot shower and a good night’s rest would help.

Well, 5:00 a.m. came, and Hoseok couldn’t believe it, but he felt even worse. He decided to leave the house and head to the studio before the others were up so they wouldn’t ask questions. He did stop and grab breakfast at a local McDonald’s before he started up, but he would soon realize that the buttery biscuit and crisp bacon with a coffee and an orange juice would come back to bite him.

He reached the studio, and proceeded to start the music and jump right into the routine he’d been practicing the night before. He really, really should have stretched.

“Light! It! Up! Like! Dynamite!”

Hoseok kept getting stuck at the part where he had to move his feet quickly and get back in formation. He decided to run it again, and try to get it right this time.

“Light! It! Up! Like-“

And everything went black…

“Hoseok! Hoseok? Hey can you hear us?”

Hoseok awoke to staff members standing all around him. Two of them were on the phone, three were from the med staff, there were six standing around talking to office staff, and there were two… oh no.

“He’s not responding to it. Hoseok, can you move your toes?”

“No no no…” Hoseok started crying. He knew what he’d done, and he was about to be paying for it.

“Okay its alright, we’re calling the paramedics.”

“I’m gonna puke-“ Hoseok turned to the side, and threw up everything he’d had for breakfast. He didn’t realize how much he’d eaten until it was all splattered out in front of him.

Then, he heard one of the staff speaking.

“Yeah, he’s awake. We’ll send a car over to pick you guys up. I don’t know how bad the break is. He can’t move his toes. It doesn’t look good.”

He must be talking to the other members. Hoseok knew he was about to be in huge trouble, but at least he’d have the others to comfort him. Now that the initial shock was over, the pain was setting in… and it hurt… bad.

“Ah aghhhh,” Hoseok turned his head to the side hoping that not seeing his leg would ease the pain. It did a little, but not enough.

“Hoseok, the paramedics are here. Just breathe, we’re gonna take you to the hospital.” Hoseok nodded in response to the staff member’s words.

It didn’t take long for Hoseok to get admitted into the ER triage room. His blood pressure was skyrocketed, he was physically exhausted, his body was extremely lacking in vitamins and he was dehydrated, and oh yeah, his right leg was broken in two places. The first place was a hairline fracture in his femur, and the second was a full break in his right ankle.

Hoseok had gotten lucky. The hairline fracture would take 4 months to heal, but it would be able to recover completely. The ankle breakage would require Hoseok to be in a wheelchair for at least six weeks, then, they’d consider switching him to crutches. Hoseok was heartbroken, and due to traffic, he had to hear the news alone…

The medical staff had to put Hoseok on some pretty high anxiety medications to help him calm down. His blood pressure was nearly back to normal, but he was also relatively knocked out. As expected, when the boys showed up, Yoongi was the first to bust through the door.

“Hobi!” He rushed to the boy’s side.

“Dang it Jung Hoseok…” Yoongi’s eyes flooded with tears. Yoongi kissed his hand, and held it close to his chest.

The doctor filled Namjoon in on the condition of their injured bandmate. Namjoon just nodded and joined the others in the recovery room.

A nurse came in and turned down the dial on Hoseok’s IV.

“Hi guys, I’m gonna go ahead and wake him up. If he’s still too panicky, we’ll have to try something different. I think the whole incident traumatized him a bit. Try to help him stay calm. No raising voices or talking about difficult topics if you can.”

Hoseok woke up slowly, and his heart began racing again.

“Hey, hey easy baby, it’s alright. Easy Hobi…” Yoongi held Hoseok’s hand with one of his own, and used the other to sweep Hoseok’s sweaty locks back off of his forehead.

“Hmmmm, hmmm…” Hoseok uttered shaky whimpers. “Yoon-Yoongi? I- I-“ Hoseok’s breathing sped up, and then he gagged. Hoseok was known for his tendency to throw up under scary situations.

The nurse held a small plastic bag under Hoseok’s chin.

“Here, may I?” Yoongi asked, standing up.

“Sure,” the nurse handed the bag over, and moved over to Hoseok’s other side.

“It’s okay, hey remember what we practiced? Hm? Look at me baby. Count to five for me. One, two..”

“T-th-three..” Yoongi relaxed as Hoseok started to count with him.

“Good job bud, okay now tell me what is something you can see right now?”

“Y-you.”

“Right. What’s something you smell?”

“Your c-cologne.”

“Which one?” Yoongi thumbed Hoseok’s hand.

“T-the one I bought you.”

“Yeah, yeah that’s good babe. That’s good. What’s something you can feel?”

“You.”

“Good. What do I feel like?”

“Cold. It feels good.”

“There you go baby. You’ve got it.”

Hoseok started breathing normally and Yoongi gave the unused bag back to the nurse. She left once she realized that Hoseok was in good hands. She did tell them that if he needed anything, to call her.

“I’m scared Yoongi…”

“I know you’re afraid. Just focus on me right now. We’re not here, we’re at home. We’re watching that stupid soap opera you like.” Yoongi chuckled through tears. Hoseok let out a small chuckle himself.

“Hoseok?” Namjoon spoke up. They all watched as Hoseok’s heart rate jumped slightly.

“Don’t worry, it’s okay. You don’t have to be scared. I just wanted to tell you I’m glad you’re alright. You’ll be alright and we’re all here for you. Even JK brought you a sprite that he’s too shy to tell you about himself.”

Hoseok’s heart rate went back down and he smiled as the other members split and let Jungkook come through.

“Here you go hyung… I thought… you might be thirsty…” Jungkook’s lip quivered, and Hoseok went into hyung mode.

“It’s alright Kookie, come here.” Hoseok still felt weak, but he lifted himself up to give the youngest a hug.

“We’re all glad you’re okay Hoseok, and we’re here for anything you need.” Jin lightly squeezed Hoseok’s arm.

Hoseok heard a couple sniffles from the back of the group.

“Jimin-ah, Taehyungie, I can hug you both too.” Hoseok held his arms out to them, and they of course came to hug him.

“Joon, why don’t we take the boys home? Yoongi, you just stay here with him. I’ll send a bag back with yours and Hoseok’s things for the night.”

“Thanks Jin.” Yoongi and Hoseok watched as the others left.

“How are you feeling babe? Any pain?”

“Yeah… it’s kinda intense. It wasn’t as bad when it first happened, but I guess I was half out of it. They were gonna give me meds but I told them I’d probably just puke them all back up.”

Yoongi stroked Hoseok’s cheek.

“Yoongi…?”

“Yeah?”

“I can’t dance… for months… what if… what if they forget… what if they forget about me?”

“Okay first, that’s not gonna happen. Second, I know that because when I had my shoulder surgery, all ARMY did was send me mail, gifts, watch my livestreams, and post videos of them crying when I wasn’t at shows. But Hoseok, you’re gonna be there. And even if you weren’t, they wouldn’t forget you. You’re their hope remember? You’re my hope too…”

Yoongi squeezed Hoseok’s hand to reassure him.

“I love you.” Hoseok’s eyes were misty.

“I love you too Hoseok,” Yoongi kissed his cheek. “Now, you just rest and let that leg of yours get healed up. I’m gonna sleep in this chair right here, and if you need anything you tell me okay? And I mean anything.”

“I promise, I will.”

Hoseok went to sleep hand-in-hand with Yoongi.

The next day would be the start of a big hurdle for Hoseok, but luckily, he had the other members by his side to help him the whole way through.

Part 2 coming soon!

#emeto #rpf #btssickfics #hurt/comfort #Sope #Hurt!Hoseok #JK makes me cry a little in this one #Caring Yoongi #Worried Hoseok #Part 2 coming soon!#Food TW #Anxiety attack tw #panic attack tw

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du0tine · 3 years

Text

well, fuck.

this isn’t great. frankly its horrible.

it’s never fun being suspended so high in the air with the harsh winds blowing roughly in your direction forcing you to seek shelter against the icy and snowy mixture of rock that sits atop the towering mountain.

to be honest, had it been any other day this would’ve been thrilling. being up here in harsh conditions, struggling to hold on and testing my mental and physical capabilities would’ve been so much fucking fun.

but there are days where you just imagine the rope that holds you up so high, snapping and slicing against a sharp piece of rock as you plummet to your death. the sky is the last thing you see, the butterflies in your stomach going mad from the sudden drop and you can’t help but think, “im going to die.”

most people, in this case: climbers that is, don’t want to die. they understand the risks, they know that given what they do things are bound to happen and im someone who understands that concept very well. but some of us are just so desensitized to the point that death feels like nothing, we’re used to losing team mates, friends and lovers. i just didn’t understand why i wanted for it to happen to me so much.

climbing is a large part of my life amongst other things; friends, family and other significant factors. all pieces both large and small that factor into what i call my life, something that i can’t help but be grateful for. but sometimes i realize life is fleeting. i realize just how short it is and sometimes i realize that, you know what? im okay with dying. whether it be today, tomorrow or the day after, i understand that death is inevitable and sometimes i just yearn for it to happen a little faster.

it often comes and goes, starting with tears and ending with cold, blank and rather monotone eyes gazing into the emptiness. i don’t know what it feels like exactly, the physicality is easy to understand but when i have to put into words its too hard. but it feel freezing cold, isolation hurts, solitude is pain. im all alone with nothing and no one and in fact, i do think im alone despite everything.

i just know im alone.

i have so many people in my life but it’s hard for me to understand why they’re here, it becomes difficult for me to keep them in my life. i find it hard to continue to speak with lifelong friends, keep in touch with cousins and other family. my parents and siblings (my brothers only being 3 & 5) being the only people i can speak to without feeling so choked up.

i speak to people ive met here (tumblr) but it never goes past a few conversations that occur from time to time and to those i do talk consistently with i can’t help but feel like i annoy. sometimes people reach out to me for advice, for guidance and of course, i aid them. it only pains me a little to never be asked if im okay in return but whatever right? as long as the people are happy, then im happy.

here in nepal, it’s been nice. people are nice. the way of life is one that no one takes for granted and it makes me feel out of place, like a spoiled brat who just yearns so much to escape but i try my best to just take a deep breath and indulge. the buddhist culture here makes me understand the ways of life, living alongside other climbers and watching sherpas dance to the tune of death, twisting around and just barely sneaking past almost every time.

despite how beautiful it is with the towering peaks, glaciers and fields of luscious green grass. death holds a strong presence here, one that’s covered by the tourism and clusters of climbers. but one that’s never ignored, everything being worshipped. pooja ceremonies being held for safe journeys and honouring the beautiful land, the mother of it all with offerings. mother nature is honoured and yet, she still plucks us one by one.

last year on my winter expedition i met a boy, well a man. someone who was 12 years older than me, someone i grew to have feelings for that in fact were reciprocated. despite seeming inappropriate, it was all consensual, it was positive and perfect. there was no dirty intention behind it and despite the large age gap it quickly flourished into a sweet, relationship but i found myself growing distant.

we were both sponsored by the same company which is how we met, the both of us being skiers and climbers. people who understood the dangers of venturing out into the wild, knowing what it meant to leave it all behind and pursue your wildest dreams.

he was perfect for me and yet, i broke up with him while living in nepal. i didn’t know why i did at first and it took me a lot of thinking. a lot of time being alone and realizing that throughout my whole life id been accustomed to supporting myself, knowing that there was no one else for me but me. perhaps it was the mixture of dreadful trauma id faced when i was younger, things i never told anyone, things that i only now realize just how bad they were.

regardless, the past is the past and i know i can’t let it hold me down and yet it’s just so hard to keep living when you know just how gravely you’ve been damaged. but i always tell myself that there’s someone out there who’s got it worse, someone who hasn’t stopped suffering from the day they’ve been brought into this world and until this very day.

like them i also wander the earth and yet i have an advantage, one that i should never take for granted and that being that everything that had happened, is over. i shouldn’t let it bring me down and ruin all the good things i have now.

so anyways, what lead to me ultimately breaking down was when i found myself like i mentioned before climbing upwards, fifteen pitches ahead in the air with my team around me. belayed upwards as i find myself freezing momentarily when the snow from above comes falling down, raining down on me as the wind whips me in the face.

it felt so cold, i couldn’t help but press my forehead against the wall and look downwards at my dangling feet. my hands were numb, my ice pick wedged into the snow and ice, my toes just barely warm. i just found myself observing how far away the ground was from where i hung. the distance from where i spiralled about to the ground was like how disconnected i felt from the earth. physically i am here but mentally im lost. where am i? i don’t know, maybe ill know someday? but what if i just don’t try anymore and let it all go, the place im in isn’t a bad place to die in fact, it’s beautiful.

but i can’t let myself plummet to the ground in front of people i know, i can’t traumatize them. i can’t be selfish and hurt others, id already done it once and that was to the man i loved.

pushing forwards we finished climbing, taking in the air at the top and looking down at everything. feeling like we were in fact on top of the world when really this was only one of the peaks we decided to acclimatize to in preparation for the everest/lhotse push that would happen in the next two months.

the feeling was the same as always, a feeling of satisfaction. you feel unstoppable at the top of the mountain, like there’s nothing and no one in your path and yet for the first time i felt anxious.

i felt like i was going to throw up. it didn’t feel great to be up here, i didn’t know why at that moment but when we began rappelling downwards i couldn’t help but think about how cold hearted i was for breaking up with him. there was no reason for me to do so and yet, i just did. it wasn’t right and it took me sometime to realize why. i needed to make sure i could at least put in the effort to do something.

the trek back to base camp was agonizing. i felt like i couldn’t breath properly, falling out of tune with my surroundings and just marching forwards. my team looking like blobs of colourful parkas. silently i felt myself weeping and just feeling like shit. i hated this.

it was embarrassing, i always made sure to peel myself apart and cry when there was no one around and yet here i was crying with people i knew and got to know around me. one of my leaders, who was a single mom that was a total badass in the mountains and one of the best ski mountaineer ive met (she’s also my team lead) spotted me falling apart and staggered behind to talk things out with me and i began to find comfort in consolidating in someone.

this was something i never even did with my own mother. this was the first time i looked for guidance in someone who’d lived longer than me and understood how grief, sadness and just a clusterfuck of emotions works.

with every step i took i slowly pieced the answers i needed for my puzzle piece and now here i am sitting inside my tent typing this foolish rant. my fingers lingering over the call button of the contact id for my ex boyfriend.

i think ill call him and apologize.

it’ll be a good first step.

update: things have been solved (relationship wise) but i don’t feel too good mentally nor physically. unfortunately, i received heartbreaking news that my bestfriend passed away and i feel lost. i don’t know what’s going on, what’s going to happen and i just feel guilty and pathetic. despite that comment, the less people see this the better, it’s not good energy and it’s just negatively going to affect others but i can’t dip without an explanation.

things are on a queue.

#tw: death #tw: sad shit me being a wimp.#i don’t know what else - i don’t know anything else.#mostly me opening up so yeah sorry if this drives people away.#felt like i needed to get it out so don’t read this.#will probably delete later? i don’t know.#my head hurts and im going to nap soon just need to clear my thoughts and relax.#if the words don’t add up it’s because im tired and cant see straight.#peace.

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