#but like i slept 30 minuts on the bus back and then got home and slept like 3 hours and then woke up so I'm hella tired

[romantichomicide95]

Levi x Reader - Midnight sex

Summary- Levi smut in which he can’t sleep and desperately wants to fuck you. Primarily from his perspective but still in the 2nd person for reader.

Warnings- I still suck at writing warnings so bare with me. I also wrote this in like 30 minutes. Oral,penetration, waking you up to fuck you, just a lot of smut. Just very NSFW. Minors DNI. 18+.

Levi barely ever slept. He maybe got 3-4 hours of sleep per night, sometimes more when he was with you. You were his comfort, the one thing in this shitty world he truly felt at home with.

On this particular night he wasn’t getting much sleep at all. He was trying to read a book to try and calm his mind down, but that wasn’t working. Instead he just watched you. He watched the rising and falling of your chest as you lay on him. He could feel the warmth of your skin on his bare chest, smell that annoyingly intoxicating smell of you. He couldn’t understand how you could always smell so good, so calming yet tempting all in one.

It was a warm night, so you decided to wear just his t-shirt and a pair of panties to bed. Which made it hard for him not to notice how beautiful your body looked. The way your hips curved, how alluring your ass looked peaking out beneath the bottom of his tee, begging to be touched. Taking you all in like this made his cock twitch. Growing hard at the sight of you, the smell of you, the thoughts of what he wanted to do to you.

Those thoughts would overcome his mind, he’d try to ignore them but how he could he? When you were right here. He was desperate to touch you, he couldn’t help himself. First he’d just rub your arm, just to be able to feel you. Your skin so soft at the touch, so inviting. His hand would make his way to your back, stopping just above your ass which he so desperately wanted to squeeze or slap. He’d think about the way it looked all those times he had you bent over his desk. Instead he’d settle by feeling the curve of your hips, which made the thoughts of your hips grinding , how beautiful your body looked when sitting on him, his cock deep inside that delicious pussy of yours.

He wouldn’t be able to take it anymore. He would try to rub his cock, fucking it into his hand. Trying his best to stay as quiet as possible, to not wake you. But it wasn’t the same. His hand wasn’t you, it couldn’t replicate the way he felt inside you, the clenching of your walls around him. It couldn’t replicate the way his cock felt in your mouth, the way your tongue licked every inch of him, always stopping and taking special care of his tip.

He would need you, he would need to feel himself inside you. He couldn’t take his hands off you, he’d start kissing your neck, whispering in your ear to wake up. Your eyes would shoot open, to see your Levi looking at you, the feeling of his hands all over your body.

“L-Levi?” you’d say voice raspy and tired. The sound of which turned him on even further. You’d realize what was happening and giggle “Horny in the middle of the night baby?”

“Mhmmmm” he’d whisper in your ear, taking no time at all to crash his lips to yours. His kisses were so needy, he wasn’t usually like this. So desperate to feel himself inside you. His desperation turned you on, his willingness to wake you just so he could fuck you, how badly he wanted to feel himself inside you. The thoughts of him taking you as he pleased were exciting, the way his cock was grinding into your underwear as he lay on top of you.

“Can I?” he begged, before ripping off your underwear. He didn’t bother taking off your shirt before his cock was deep inside you, a moan escaping his body. The way your walls clenched around him, how wet you already were for him. He was finally getting what he wanted.

His mouth was on your neck, sucking and nibbling so desperately. Like this was the first time he’d ever felt you. “You feel so fucking good, so wet for me already?”

“I’m always wet for…fuckkk” you couldn’t finish your sentence, the way his cock was buried deep inside you, one hand rubbing your clit so delicately. He’d lift his head from your neck to take a good look at you, watch as your head titled backwards. Admiring how good you looked underneath him. Watching you whimpering at how good he felt inside you. “Levi, I’m gunna…omg” you’d moan. Feeling climax headed your way.

He could feel himself getting close as well and all he could think about was the way your tongue felt around his tip. He pulled out and you grabbed him, pleading with him to let you cum. He’d use his fingers to fuck you paying special attention to your clit until you came all over his hand. He’d lick his fingers, “now let me cum in your mouth.” He would flip you over so he was no longer above you.

Your tongue felt amazing licking around his cock. He loved how much tongue you used, the way he could fit his cock down your throat. How one hand paid special attention to the bottom of his shaft the other gently massaging his balls. He could feel it, the gentle release. “Fuck you’re so good at this.” He’d moan, pulling at your hair.

He’d release soon after and you’d swallow it all, licking around his cock for anything that didn’t release in your mouth. He’d pull you back down to lay on his chest, your head against him listening to his rapid heartbeat. Both of you trying to collect your breathe. Soon your heartbeat would even out, and sleep would take you over again.

Levi would wrap you in his arms. Thinking how lucky he was to have someone as good as you, and finally sleep would come to him. Even if only for a little while.

#levi ackerman #attack on titan #captain levi #aot #levi aot #levi x reader #aot fandom #levi attack on titan #snk levi #Levi smut #levi ackerman x reader #levi ackerman x female reader #levi ackerman x y/n #Levi Ackerman smut #levi ackermann #shingeki no kyoujin levi #levi heichou #levi snk #shingeki no kyojin #snk smut #aot smut

[gotham--fc]

The One - A Hilary Knight Imagine

It’s finally here! The long awaited sequel to Sailing Again! If you haven’t read Sailing Again this won’t make much sense to you so read that first

It’s also uh 12000 words soooo settle in

This part is much more angstier than the first part, like, it’s incredibly angsty, more angst than fluff it’s bookended by fluff but there’s not much more fluff in here I apologize

I also realize that this was supposed to be Hilary taking care of R after her concussion and instead became the angstiest thing I’ve written with very little Hilary taking care of R soooo I’ll write a drabble or something of the first night where Hilary stays up taking care of R

The title is from Kodaline’s “The One” but I also think their song “Honest” also fits the vibe of this fic ngl okay I’m done talking you can get to the fic now

TW: vomiting

Y/N’s not allowed to play at all. She’s not even allowed to be on the ice. Not that she wants to, she can barely sit up without getting dizzy. Hilary stayed with her the first night, dutifully waking her up every two hours, sitting on the bathroom floor with her while she threw up for 30 minutes straight, got Y/N water, or food, or pain meds, or anything she needed or wanted. Y/N’s not even sure Hilary slept at all.

 Y/N’s managed to convince the staff to let her stay with the team until the end of the tournament, although that might have to do with the entire training staff still being in Beijing and wanting to monitor her concussion first hand than with Y/N’s pleading. She stays in the same hotel, and when she feels up to it she joins the team for meals. She went to one practice, but the bus ride made her nauseous and the light hurt her eyes and she spent the entire practice in the bathroom with the lights off.

 Hilary had to go back with her team, and Y/N’s sad about it. She’s really sad about it. She missed Hilary so much and they finally got to a good place and then Hilary had to leave and Y/N can’t even call her because looking at her phone makes her head hurt. She can’t even do anything to distract herself. She’s hurt, she’s miserable, and she just wants to go home.

 There’s a knock at her door. She ignores it, she doesn’t feel like getting up, and whatever they want her for is something she doesn’t feel like doing anyway. Still the knocking continues. Y/N just barely restrains herself from hitting her pillow in frustration as she gets up. She opens the door, not even bothering to open her eyes.

 “What?”

 “I have to say, this isn’t the welcome I expected.”

 Y/N’s eyes shoot open.

 “Hilary!”

 Hilary laughs and wraps Y/N up in her arms when Y/N throws herself at her. “Hi baby,” Hilary says.

 They stumble into the room together, neither letting go, and they fall onto the bed and Hilary laughs until Y/N groans and presses her fingers to her temples.

 “I’m so sorry, are you okay?” Hilary says, “Can I get you anything?”

 “No,” Y/N takes a deep breath, “I’m good.”

 “I don’t mind getting you anything, water or painkillers, a damp cloth, anything, okay?”

 “What are you doing here?” Y/N asks, changing the subject.

 “We’re playing each other tomorrow, the gold medal game,” Hilary says, “We’re staying in the same hotel again finally.”

 “Gold medal game?” Y/N asks, “But you just played Russia? No,” Y/N shakes her head, “Switzerland, right?”

 Hilary’s smile is tight.

 “I’m wrong,” Y/N huffs in frustration, “I can’t even remember what fucking game happened last.”

 “It’s okay,” Hilary’s quick to reassure, “I know you haven’t been watching, it’s okay. You don’t need to remember the games, just the game tomorrow, that’s all.”

 Y/N doesn’t respond, she just rolls over so she can rest her head on Hilary’s shoulder. Hilary’s hand comes up and gently rubs the back of Y/N’s neck.

 “I used to do this to Kess when her concussion was bad, she said it helped a lot,” Hilary whispers, “But she might have been humouring me because I was floundering trying to find something I could do to help.”

 Y/N doesn’t know what comes over her, or why, but suddenly she’s crying hard into Hilary’s shoulder. Hilary freezes.

 “I’m so sorry, I’m stupid, I shouldn’t have brought Kess up at all,” Hilary starts shifting and Y/N whines when she’s forced to lift her head, “I wasn’t thinking. You’re probably still upset with her and I don’t blame you. Damn, use your brain Hilary.”

 “It’s not that,” Y/N says, “I don’t know, I’m just so tired and I missed you so much.”

 “I missed you too,” Hilary says, “I love you more than anything. I’m sorry you’re feeling gross, I wish I could help you more.”

 “Hold me?”

 “I’ll never let you go.”

 ***

 Y/N knows she shouldn’t be here. When Hilary failed to sneak out of bed, she told Y/N to only watch the game (on TV) if her head didn’t hurt. When she boarded the team bus, everyone looked at her like she was crazy, and the trainers tried to get her to go back inside. She insisted she was fine, that her head didn’t hurt and promised that if she started to feel bad that she would leave.

 And her head doesn’t necessarily hurt, perse, it’s mostly a dull ache in the back of her skull, so really she’s not technically wrong in saying her head doesn’t hurt. It doesn’t hurt any worse than it’s been hurting, and she hasn’t felt nauseous in days, so what’s the harm in a watching one hockey game?

 It turns out, a lot of harm.

 The lights immediately are too much, and the dull ache becomes a sharp pain radiating throughout her whole head. She tries to tough it out, after all, it’s the gold medal game, and she wants, needs, to be here to support her team. She presses the heel of her palms against her eyes and tries to ignore the pain. But then the cheers after the first goal are so deafening that Y/N actually feels like her head might split open, and she tries to leave, but standing up makes her dizzy and she’s forced to sit back down.

 The pain only gets worse and during the second period she ignores the dizziness because she knows if she sits there much longer, she’ll throw up all over the seats. Somehow, she manages to find her way to the locker rooms and into one of the private bathrooms. She doesn’t know how long she sits on the floor feeling nauseous, but she doesn’t even lift her head when the door opens.

 “Occupied,” She mumbles.

 “Oh, baby,” Hilary’s gentle voice reaches Y/N’s ears, “Oh, my love, I’m sorry.” Hilary kneels on the floor and brushes Y/N’s hair away from her eyes.

 “Hil? Why aren’t you playing?”

 “The game’s over. I heard that you left in the second period, I came to find you.”

 There’s no fans in the stadium, how did Hilary know where to find her? Or that she was even there? Then Y/N remembers the taxi squads that were sitting in the section to her right, they must’ve seen her.

 “Did you win?” Y/N turns her head just enough that she can look Hilary in the eye. Hilary smiles sadly.

 “No, you won baby, you guys won, you’re a gold medalist.”

 “I am?” Y/N says, “But I didn’t play.”

 “You played in the prelims, and you’re on the squad, you get a medal.”

 “Sorry.”

 “Don’t be sorry, I’m so proud of you. And I don’t need a medal when I got the best prize I could get right here,” Hilary kisses Y/N on the forehead and Y/N leans into her. Then, after breathing through her nose and realizing Hilary hasn’t showered yet, and immediately turns and throws up in the toilet.

 “Oh shit, shit babe,” Hilary rubs Y/N’s back, shifting closer, and it only makes Y/N throw up more.

 “Hil,” Y/N manages to get out, “Go shower or I will puke on you.”

 When Hilary comes back, hair damp and in new clothes, Y/N still hasn’t moved off the floor. Hilary bends down and gently puts her arms under Y/N’s knees and around her back. Slowly, Hilary begins to lift Y/N off the floor. Y/N makes a sound of protest.

 “I can walk,” Y/N says.

 “I know, but I also know you’re tired, and I don’t mind carrying you.”

 “You just played a whole game, put me down.” Y/N begins to squirm in Hilary’s arms. Hilary scrambles to keep Y/N from falling to the floor.

 “Y/N! It’s alright, just let me carry you,” Hilary says, “You’re gonna make me drop you.”

 “Let me go!” Y/N pushes at Hilary’s chest, “I said I could walk, put me down!”

 “Baby…”

 “I’m not a baby! Let me down!”

 The sound of her own voice makes Y/N pause. Sure, she’s snapped at Hilary before and sure they fought, but she doesn’t think she’s ever sounded so angry. Hilary pauses as well. Before Y/N can think to apologize, Hilary has placed her feet gently on the ground, letting Y/N stand up on her own.

 “I’m sorry,” Hilary says, “I just wanted to help. I didn’t mean to make you feel like I’m babying you. I’m sorry, I’ll ask next time, okay?”

 “Hil…” Y/N tries to get Hilary to look her in the eye, but Hilary keeps staring at her shoes. Y/N takes Hilary’s hand and tugs her closer. Finally, Hilary looks up. “I didn’t mean to yell. I’ve just been so frustrated. I can’t do anything anymore because of my head and I just want to feel like I’m still in control of myself sometimes.”

 “I know, I’m sorry.”

 “I forgive you.”

 “I know,” Hilary whispers. The guilty look won’t leave her eyes and Y/N wonders if they’re still talking about the same thing.

 “You shouldn’t,” Hilary whispers when Y/N turns around.

 “What?” Y/N asks. Hilary says nothing, just puts her hand on the small of Y/N’s back and leads her out of the bathroom.

 ***

 Y/N groans when she wakes up, pressing her face into the pillow. The bedside lamp is turned off and Y/N blearily turns her head towards Hilary who’s sitting up in bed beside her. Hilary holds out a glass of water and painkillers. Y/N takes them both gratefully. She sits up long enough to take the painkillers and drink most of the water before she hands the glass back to Hilary and settles back in bed, her head resting on Hilary’s hip. Hilary’s hand rubs between Y/N’s shoulders.

 “Y/N,” Hilary says. Y/N hums in acknowledgment. “We need to talk about earlier.”

 “What about it? I’m sorry I yelled at you, I didn’t mean it.”

 “No, I mean…” Hilary sighs, “I don’t want to upset you. But it was a bad idea for you to go to the game.”

 “I wanted to.”

 “That doesn’t mean you should’ve gone. Concussions are serious–”

 “And you don’t think I know that?” Y/N sits up, moving away from Hilary and crossing her arms.

 “I know you know, I just mean that I don’t think you considered the consequences of going. You’re still in the early stages of recovery, it’s so easy to do something that will set you back. The game wasn’t more important than your health.”

 “You don’t get to decide what’s important to me!”

 “Y/N, you’re not listening–”

 “You’re not listening!” Yelling is making Y/N’s head hurt, but she can’t help it. Hilary doesn’t even sound angry, just tired. “It’s my first Olympics and I wasn’t going to miss the gold medal game!”

 “You have a concussion, I understand why you wanted to go, but, Y/N,” Hilary takes a deep breath, “You didn’t even get to watch the game because of your head. You should’ve stayed in the hotel and watched the game on TV.”

 “I wanted to support my team!”

 “You still support them from here, you didn’t need to go to the game to do that.”

 “It’s my first Olympics!”

 “There will be more Olympics!” Finally, Hilary starts to sound angry, “More tournaments! But there won’t be if you keep doing stupid shit and don’t let yourself heal! You can’t just–” Hilary huffs angrily, “You have a serious injury–”

 “And whose fault is that?” Y/N snaps, “I didn’t tell your team to go after me, did I? It’s not my fucking fault you’re so ashamed of yourself that you can’t even be honest with your friends!” Hilary looks like Y/N just slapped her. All the anger is gone from her face, replaced by hurt. She stares at the ceiling for a moment, then she gets off the bed.

 “I’m sorry that I’m concerned for you,” Hilary says, “If you’re still upset with me I’ll leave.”

 A sob rips from Y/N’s throat. The fight is making her head hurt and the guilt at making Hilary upset is making her feel even worse. She knows she was wrong, she knows she shouldn’t have gone to the game and she knows Hilary is just looking out for her and she knows it’s not fair to take her frustrations out on Hilary. She just wants to be able to do the things she wants to do, things she normally can, and it frustrates the hell out of her that she can’t anymore. And she’s terrified out of her mind that she never will again.

 “I’m sorry,” Hilary is at her side in an instant, “I didn’t mean to yell. I wasn’t thinking, what do you need?” Y/N shakes her head. Hilary shouldn’t be apologizing, she’s the one who should be apologizing.

 “I’m sorry,” Y/N says through her tears, “I shouldn’t… I’m just so frustrated and I know it’s not your fault. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I just don’t… I can’t… I’m so angry.”

 “You have every right to be angry,” Hilary says, “I’ve been terrible to you and I know you said you forgive me, but you don’t have to, you can still be angry, I understand.”

 “I’m not…” Y/N’s frustration is growing with Hilary not understanding her. “You don’t get it. I’m not angry at you. I’m just…” Y/N rubs her face, growing sticky with the drying tears, “This whole situation sucks and I’m just angry.”

 “I’m sorry, I know it’s really frustrating and I’m sorry I’m making it worse,” Hilary lays down beside Y/N and pulls her into her arms, “I just care about you so much and I want you to get better. I love you.”

 “I love you too,” Y/N mumbles.

 ***

 The two fly back individually with their own teams and while her team goes on their victory tour, Y/N takes another flight to Minnesota. Hilary meets her at the airport.

 “How was your flight?”

 Y/N doesn’t answer, just drops her bag at Hilary’s feet and lets her weight rest on Hilary while Hilary’s arms circle around her. Y/N closes her eyes, takes a deep breath, and lets Hilary’s familiar scent relax her.

 “Are you tired baby?” Hilary asks, “Does your head feel okay?”

 “Just wanna go home.”

 ***

 In all honesty, Hilary is worried about Y/N. She’s not taking care of herself and Hilary worries that if she wasn’t here, Y/N would make her concussion so much worse than it already is. Hilary is the one who drags Y/N out of bed to get a change of scenery or to shower or to eat sitting up at the table instead of slouched in bed. It’s Hilary who makes sure Y/N is eating good meals and not just trash she can have delivered. It’s Hilary who makes sure Y/N goes to bed at a reasonable time, gets enough sleep, stays off electronics that make her headaches worse. If Hilary wasn’t here, Y/N would have no one to take care of her.

 Which is why Hilary is terrified to tell her she’s leaving.

 Not forever, just for a few weeks. She’s put it off as long as she could, but post-Olympic press can’t wait forever. Her federation has been on her since the Olympics ended to do a press tour. She put it off, saying she needed a break, citing mental health and physical recovery from the demands of the Olympics, and of course she’s Hilary Knight, they’ll give her what she asks but only to a certain extent. She’s already signed up for a camp in San Francisco, as the hometown hero, and a camp in Boston. The federation has signed her up for press conferences and media appearances in New York, Chicago, Houston, and Las Vegas. She forced them to book everything back to back so she’ll only be gone for three weeks max, but it’s three weeks nonetheless.

 Hilary’s drawn back to reality when the kettle whistles. She quickly turns it off and pours the hot water into two mugs, adding milk and sugar the way Y/N likes it. Caffeine makes her headaches worse so Y/N’s switched to tea instead of coffee and Hilary switched with her so that Y/N wouldn’t feel jealous that Hilary got to drink coffee and she didn’t. Hilary carries the two mugs, carefully, so that she wouldn’t spill a drop. She places one mug on the nightstand and uses her free hand to gently shake Y/N awake before handing her the other mug.

 “Ugh,” Y/N says after taking a sip, “I really miss coffee.”

 “Me too.”

 “Stop, at least you can actually still drink it,” Y/N bumps her shoulder against Hilary’s, “No one forced you to stop, I don’t know why you would.”

 “Solidarity.”

 Y/N hums, taking another sip. Hilary holds her mug in her hands, not really drinking it. Y/N drinks her tea and tells Hilary all about the weird dream she had and Hilary tries to react at the appropriate times, but her mind is on the press tour and making a mental list of what she needs to pack and how she can make sure Y/N’s doing okay while she’s away, and maybe if she fakes an injury or an illness she can get out of the second camp and be home a week early and–

 “Hilary!”

 Y/N’s voice snaps Hilary out of her thoughts.

 “Sorry, what were you saying?”

 “What’s up with you?”

 Hilary sighs. She doesn’t know how to say it. Or how Y/N will react. She promised that she would be here to take care of her and that she wouldn’t ever leave her when she needs her, but now she’s about to tell Y/N that she’s leaving when Y/N’s concussion still makes her daily life so much harder. She wishes more than anything she could tell her federation and her agent to get bent and that she’s not leaving, she knows she can’t.

 “Hilary,” Y/N says, “You’re doing it again.”

 “Sorry,” Hilary sets her now cold mug of tea on the nightstand, “Sorry, there’s just something I need to tell you.”

 “Okay,” Y/N sets her own mug down, turning to give Hilary her full attention.

 “I’m leaving.”

 A beat, then:

 “What the fuck?”

 “I’m sorry, I know it’s awful timing, but–”

 “You’re leaving?” Y/N says, “Are you kidding me? You said you loved me and now you’re leaving?”

 “I do!” Hilary tries to grab Y/N’s hands but she jerks away, “I wouldn’t go if I didn’t have to! My agent has been bugging me for weeks about it.”

 “Oh so your agent gets to decide when your relationship is over?”

 “Wait what?” Now Hilary is really confused. “What are you talking about?”

 “What am I talking about? You just told me you’re breaking up with me!”

 “What? No! Nononono, babe,” Hilary frantically tries to grab Y/N’s hands or to hug her, “That’s not what I meant! I’m not leaving you, I’m going on a press tour! I’ll only be gone for like three weeks, I swear, I promise I’ll never leave you. I love you.”

 “Oh.”

 “I’m sorry, I guess just saying I’m leaving isn’t the right way to have that conversation.”

 “Yeah, I guess,” Y/N lets Hilary pull her into her arms, “When do you leave?”

 “My flight is Friday.”

 Four days from now.

 “And you’ll be gone three weeks?”

 Hilary nods, “It’s the shortest I could make it. If there was any way out of it I’d do it.”

 “It’s okay,” Y/N says, “I get it. And it’s not like holding my hair back every time I throw up is the most glamourous job, huh?”

 “I don’t mind taking care of you, you know that,” Hilary says, “I’m not just trying to get away from you, I’d never do that.”

 “I know, it was just a joke, sorry.”

 “Oh. I guess we’re just completely misunderstanding each other today huh?”

 “I guess so,” Y/N lifts her head off Hilary’s chest to look in her eyes and give her a smile, “It’s okay. It sucks that you’re leaving, but I’ll be okay. I can take of myself for three weeks, and we’ll talk, right? When I call you’ll call me back at least?”

 “Of course,” Hilary can tell by Y/N’s tone that she’s just teasing, but it doesn’t lessen the guilt that blooms in her chest when she thinks of the weeks she went radio silent.

 “I’ll be okay,” Y/N lays her head back on Hilary’s chest, “You don’t have to worry about me.”

 Hilary doesn’t say anything, just kisses Y/N’s head and holds her impossibly closer.

 ***

 Friday comes way too quickly for either of them, and all too soon Hilary’s heading off to the airport. Y/N insists that she’ll be fine on her own and Hilary wants to believe her, but she’s so worried that she can’t help but think the second the plane takes off something bad will happen and Hilary won’t be there to help. She waits until the last possible moment to leave the apartment, barely making it to the airport with enough time to get through security. She checks her phone anxiously for a message from Y/N until she’s forced to turn her phone off.

 When her plane lands, the first thing Hilary does is turn her phone back on. She still has no messages from Y/N, only a few from her agent. She grabs her bags and meets her agent who drives her to the hotel she’s staying at. Hilary normally loves coming home, back to California, reminding herself of what it was like to grow up here, but right now, all she can think about is Y/N miles away, alone and hurt.

 The camp goes by quick but slow at the same time. Hilary loves working with kids, teaching them hockey and seeing how they improve and how their confidence grows each day. It’s the times after the kids have all gone home and Hilary’s left alone. She doesn’t want to go out, she doesn’t want to see people, she just wants to go home. When she’s on the ice with the kids, time flies. But when she’s alone in her hotel room, time drags on until Hilary’s not even sure the clocks are working anymore. When the last kid leaves the ice on the last day, Hilary sighs, knowing there’s nothing to speed the days up while she does interview after interview.

 But she only has two weeks left.

 ***

 Y/N’s bored. There’s not much she can do. She can’t go to the gym, she can’t go on the ice, all of her friends in the city are hockey friends who aren’t here because they don’t live here in the offseason or they’re busy doing post Olympics press. Post Olympic press that Y/N should be doing. Her own team is out celebrating their gold medal and she can’t even do that. Sure, she could’ve gone to stay with her family but she didn’t feel like spending a month sleeping on her parent’s couch and she thought Hilary was going to be here with her.

 At least when Hilary was still here, Y/N was distracted. Whenever she started to think about the Olympics and what her teammates were doing, Hilary would be there and Y/N would stop thinking about it. But now, she’s alone and there’s nothing to stop her from thinking about it. She needs a distraction before she spirals, and just because Hilary isn’t here, doesn’t mean she can’t be that distraction.

 For the first time in weeks, Y/N turns her phone on. She ignores the unopened texts and missed phone calls and goes online, quickly pulling up Hilary’s press interviews. She’s stayed away from electronics since she got injured so it can’t be too bad for her to watch a few short interviews Hilary has done, right?

 She loads up the first video and grins as Hilary’s face appears on the screen.

 “Today we are joined by Olympian Hilary Knight! Hilary, thank you for being here,” The interviewer says, “First, let me ask how you have been doing?”

 “I’m good,” Hilary says, “It’s tough losing the Olympics and coming home with silver, but I’m really proud of the team and honestly, kudos to Canada they deserve it completely, and now it’s just learning from this and coming back stronger.”

 “And how do you come back stronger? It’s hard to believe that you Hilary Knight need to work on anything.”

 Hilary laughs before answering her question. They ask a few more basic questions about the Olympics and the team and Hilary answers them. Then, the interviewer puts down her notes and turns to Hilary.

 “So, Hilary,” She begins, “We understand that you’re quite private about your personal life, but many are asking are you in a relationship?” Hilary looks taken aback.

 “Um, well,” Hilary laughs nervously, “Yeah. Yeah I am. And I’m really happy.”

 “That’s a bit of a disappointment to fans who’ve been hoping to score a date with you,” The interviewer laughs and Hilary smiles weakly. Y/N wants to launch herself through the screen and give the interviewer a piece of her mind for making Hilary uncomfortable. “What can you tell us about this mystery person?”

 “Well,” Hilary shifts in her seat, “Well, I’ll tell you that she’s amazing. The best person I’ve ever met and everyday I think I fall in love a little more and I couldn’t be happier.”

 “Well there you have it, Hilary Knight is off the market! Thank you so much for joining us today!”

 Part of Y/N is giddy at the things Hilary said about her, but part of her feels apprehensive about it. They never talked about being more open with their relationship or admitting to being in one to the public. Logically, Y/N knows that Hilary didn’t say who she’s dating and she’s not outing Y/N by saying she’s in a relationship with someone. But she can’t help but feel… something and she can’t help but wish that Hilary would have talked to her beforehand. But she also knows the question caught Hilary off guard and she wasn’t prepared for it. Still, Y/N can’t imagine she would immediately admit to being in a relationship in an interview without talking to Hilary first.

 Y/N knows she shouldn’t, everyone tells her stay away from the comments, but she can’t help it. The first few comments are just keysmashes and comments on how hot Hilary looks which, well, Y/N can’t argue with. Then as she keeps scrolling, an uneasy pit builds in her stomach.

 Did hilary just confirmed her and y/n???

 I told you all they were together!!! Did you see how Hilary raced to her when she got hurt?

 No wonder hilary ripped into her teammates after y/n’s concussion that’s her gf right there

 With each new comment, Y/N feels her anxiety growing. She manages to force herself to close the app but she can’t stop herself from opening twitter and searching her and Hilary’s names. There are more comments about their relationship but now there’s pictures. Paparazzi pictures of the two at the airport, with Hilary’s arms around Y/N. Pictures from the game, of Hilary’s face when Y/N got hit, Hilary kneeling over Y/N on the ice, Hilary following as the trainers took Y/N off the ice. There’s screenshots of Hilary’s Instagram posts with Y/N in them, posts that Y/N knows are from when they weren’t together, but everyone believes they were. The more and more she scrolls, the worse and worse she feels, but she can’t stop. Even when her head starts to spin and the pain behind her eyeballs grows, she can’t stop. It’s only when her phone rings that she stops scrolling.

 “Hey,” Jill says when she answers, “Finally turned your phone on, huh? We’ve been trying to call you, see how you’re doing.”

 “I’m okay,” Y/N mumbles.

 “You sure? You don’t sound good.”

 “I’m good.”

 “It’s okay, if you’re not,” Jill says, “Honestly if you told me you’ve never felt worse that’d be totally valid. I’m surprised you even answered.”

 “I’m allowed to be on my phone!” Y/N snaps.

 “I know,” Jill placates, “I just meant I’m surprised you’re feeling up to talking. Is Hilary taking good care of you?” Y/N wants to throw up at the mention of Hilary, her anxiety skyrocketing.

 “She’s not here.”

 “What?”

 “She left. Some press thing. I don’t know,” Y/N says, “Look Jill, I have a headache, I’ll call you back. I promise I’m doing okay.”

 Then Y/N hangs up and throws her phone to the side.

 ***

 Hilary frowns when her call goes to voicemail again. Every text since her ‘landed safe’ text from the airport has been left unanswered. She knows Y/N might be sleeping, or showering, or eating, or just doesn’t have her phone on her, but she still worries. And she’s alone in a hotel room with nothing to entertain herself with for another hour and a half while she waits for her next interview.

 The phone rings twice before it’s answered.

 “Hey Hil, how are things?” Jill says.

 “It’s alright, considering. You?”

 “Yeah, good. I won’t rub it in so I’ll not tell you how cool it is to show off the gold medal I just won,” Jill teases and Hilary rolls her eyes, “What’s up? Y/N told me you left for some press thing?”

 “Yeah, not my choice,” Hilary says, “I’ll be back in two weeks. That’s why I called you. Y/N hasn’t answered my calls and I know she’s probably just not on her phone, you know, with her concussion, but I wanted to ask if you’ve talked to her and if she’s doing okay.”

 “You think she’d answer my calls over yours?”

 “Well. Maybe,” Hilary rubs the back of her neck, “She said she wasn’t but I think she might still be upset with me. About the whole breakup thing. Not that I blame her, I was a real jerk. I wanted to take it back as soon as I said it.”

 “Said what?” Immediately Jill’s tone changes.

 “You know,” Hilary says, “During our fight… She didn’t tell you?”

 “Tell. Me. What?”

 Hilary gulps. She knows Y/N is like a sister to Jill and she honestly thought Y/N would have told Jill what happened. She didn’t think she’d have to tell Jill herself about how horrible she is. She’s known Jill for long enough to know that Jill will tear her a new one for hurting Y/N so bad and for everything that happened afterward. Hilary knows now why Jill never blamed her for Y/N concussion, she didn’t know what really happened.

 “Jill, you gotta understand,” Hilary starts, “I didn’t mean it. I was upset and stressed and sleep deprived and I know it doesn’t excuse it but Y/N forgave me and I’m doing everything to make it up to her. I promise I will never hurt her like that again.”

 “Hilary.” Jill says, “You are going to tell me right now what you are talking about or I will come hunt you down.”

 “I told her I wanted space for the Olympics and she got upset and I got upset and I… I told her… I said that… I couldn’t focus on the Olympics if… if I was too busy babysitting her.”

 Jill is silent and Hilary knows she screwed up.

 “I didn’t mean it!” Hilary says desperately, “I know I messed up and I’d take it back if I could! I swear I will spend the rest of my life making it up to her and I’d never–”

 “Hilary,” Jill says sharply, “I don’t think you understand how much that girl loves you.”

 “I do!”

 “No. You don’t understand. That girl would do anything for you, even forgive you for something unforgiveable,” Jill says, “Tell me, what did you do to make up for it before she forgave you? I’ll tell you. Nothing. You made that girl’s life hell for weeks and you think it’s okay just because she forgave you right away? You have a hell of a lot of work to do to prove that you’re really sorry and to earn her trust back. You think running off soon after is going to be fine? You think she won’t sit and think and realize you don’t deserve her forgiveness? I saw your interview Hilary. I saw what everyone’s saying. She’s a kid and you’re taking advantage of her. Do you want her to start believing that?”

 “Jill…” Hilary croaks, “I… I love her. You know I do. I never… I never wanted to hurt her. I never want to hurt her. I’m not… You don’t think I’m taking advantage of her, do you? That’s not… I’m not…”

 “No, I don’t. I know you, and while I think you’re an idiot and did something shitty, I know you’re not a bad person. I know you’re not taking advantage of her. But you need to make sure she believes that.”

 “I will, I will. Jill, I gotta go, I gotta go home.”

 “Hilary,” Jill says before Hilary can hang up, “If I hear that you hurt her one more time I swear on everything that’s holy I will make your life hell.”

 ***

 It takes a hell of a lot to convince her agent to let her go. She doesn’t give them a choice though. She calls her agent right after she hangs up with Jill and tells him to figure it out, she’s going home and he can’t stop her. After back and forth arguing with Hilary threatening to find new management, he quickly releases a statement, citing the post-Olympic slump and Hilary’s mental and physical health for her absence. Hilary releases her own apology to everyone who signed up for camp with her and to the media personnel she’s inconvenienced. Then she books a flight and goes home.

 After a few long hours, Hilary is back and Ubering to Y/N’s apartment. When she finally gets there, exhausted and anxious, she’s torn between ripping the door open just so she can get in bed and cuddle up to Y/N quicker, and never opening the door so that Y/N doesn’t have the chance to leave her for being such a shit girlfriend. In the end, she decides to just open the door slowly, quietly slink inside and see if Y/N’s around or awake.

 “Y/N?” Hilary says quietly, “It’s me, I’m home.”

 There’s no response, so Hilary sets her bag down by the door. She’ll unpack later, when she feels less tired. The lights in the apartment are off, so Hilary heads first to the bedroom. Sure enough, Y/N’s asleep. She’s wearing Hilary’s sweatpants and one of Hilary’s shirts. Hilary loves it when Y/N wears her clothes. They always make her look tiny and it’s so fucking cute to see Y/N drowning in a shirt that has Knight written across the shoulders.

 And maybe Hilary’s a little possessive too.

 Hilary strips down and changes into comfy clothes that don’t smell like airplane. She slides gently into bed behind Y/N and spoons her from behind. Hilary can feel Y/N’s sharp intake of breath as she starts to wake up.

 “It’s just me, babe,” Hilary whispers, kissing the back of Y/N’s head.

 “Hil?” Y/N turns her head just enough that she can look Hilary in the eyes. “You’re not supposed to be home yet.”

 “I know. I came back early because…” How does Hilary sum up ‘I came back because I love you and I screwed up before and I don’t think you’ve forgiven me fully and I think I keep making things worse and I don’t know how to exist without you so I came back before you could think to break up with me and I thought if I was here you wouldn’t be mad at me or think that I’m taking advantage of you because I’m not’? “I… I just missed you. And I love you.”

 “Missed you too,” Y/N’s eyes are closing gently, sleep beginning to wash over her, “‘nd love you too. You look tired, wanna nap?” Hilary smiles softly, kissing the back of Y/N’s head again when Y/N turns back around to get comfortable in bed again.

 “You’re already halfway there,” Hilary whispers, “I can’t wait to join you.”

 ***

 Hilary’s been back for three days. Of course Y/N’s happy. Excited. Thrilled. She missed Hilary and her stupid concussion is making all her emotions go crazy and crying gave her a headache. A terrible combination. But, in general, overall, Y/N’s happy that Hilary is back.

 Except, Hilary’s walking on eggshells around her.

 She’s so careful in everything she says, everything she does. Every conversation is filled with pauses where Hilary gets this look on her face like she’s debating what to say. Hilary’s never not known what to say to her. It makes Y/N second guess herself, and she finds herself doing the same as Hilary, debating everything she says. Things between them are awkward now, stilted.

 Sometimes, sometimes Y/N catches Hilary looking at her with a look of pity and guilt on her face. Y/N doesn’t know why and Hilary never brings it up and she never asks. She never really asks why Hilary came back early either. She doesn’t think she wants to know.

 The distance between them grows until they’re laying on opposite sides of the same bed, not touching. Sitting on opposite sides of the table during meals, opposite sides of the couch. They barely talk about anything now. Nothing real. Just simple bullshit ‘how did you sleep?’, ‘did you like the salad?’, ‘looks like rain’. Y/N hates feeling like a stranger around Hilary. She doesn’t know how to fix it.

 Y/N wakes up one night and Hilary isn’t in bed beside her. Even though her and Hilary have been basically sleeping apart, Y/N still sleeps better with Hilary in the bed beside her and she doesn’t feel like she’ll fall asleep again until she knows what Hilary’s up to. She finds Hilary in the living room, looking at her phone. Hilary’s back is to her and she doesn’t notice Y/N coming up behind her, giving Y/N a chance to see what she’s looking at. Y/N’s brow furrows. Hilary’s… watching her own interview?

 Y/N touches Hilary’s shoulder to get her attention and she can’t hold back the laugh that escapes her when Hilary jumps off the couch with a shriek.

 “You! You scared me!” Hilary looks playfully appalled and for a second it’s like the old Hilary and the old Y/N are back. Then, new Hilary slips back in place and Hilary’s face pinches.

 “Sorry,” Y/N says, sobering quickly, “I just wanted to know why you’re up.”

 “Oh,” Hilary looks down at her phone, “Yeah. I was just… you know. Work stuff.”

 “Watching your own interviews is work stuff?”

 “It’s…” Hilary opens and closes her mouth, shifts her feet, looks around, swallows, then tilts her chin up, “I’m sorry if I woke you. Let’s go back to bed.”

 Hilary walks past Y/N but before she can get far, Y/N grabs her wrist and pulls her back. Hilary looks annoyed for a second before she visibly bites it back.

 “Hil, I know something’s bothering you, and I know things have been rocky between us and dammit Hilary,” Y/N says, “I’ll be damned if I lose you twice. Please, just talk to me.”

 Hilary sighs. Then she sinks onto the couch and Y/N joins her. Y/N waits for her to speak, but she doesn’t.

 “Okay, I’ll start,” Y/N says, “I wanted to be excited when you came home because I love you and I missed you, but then you were acting weird and I thought it was something I did then I realized it was something you did and I’ve been terrified to find out what you did that made you treat me like I would break if you even looked at me.”

 Silence.

 “Okay, now it’s your turn,” Y/N says, “C’mon Hilary, this has to go both ways.”

 “I called Jill,” Hilary sighs, “Because you weren’t answering your phone. And she ripped me a new one for being a shitty girlfriend. And for not doing enough to make up for what I did to you. And made me realize that everyone thinks I’m taking advantage of you because I’m older than you and you’re just a kid. And I was terrified that you’d start to believe that and leave me.”

 “I was upset. About your interview. That’s why I didn’t answer your calls.”

 “Why?”

 “Because you told everyone you were in a relationship. Everyone’s figured out it’s with me and it scares me to be out to the world and for everyone to know about us and I’m worried what that pressure will do to us, especially since we just got back together. And it upset me that you didn’t talk to me first about it.”

 “She sprung the question on me,” Hilary says, “I didn’t know she was going to ask it.”

 “I know. I still would’ve liked it if you talked to me.”

 “How could I have talked to you about something I didn’t know was going to happen?” Hilary’s getting upset, but honestly, Y/N’s grateful for something other than the emotionless Hilary’s she’s been getting recently.

 “You didn’t have to answer the question.”

 “And that would’ve confirmed it too!”

 “Or you could’ve said no and talked to me after about it.”

 “So you want me to lie about us? Is that what you want?” Hilary’s not shouting, but she’s on the verge, “You want to hide our relationship? Tell everyone I’m single when I’m not and what? Want me to go on dates to throw everyone off? Maybe me and Kess could fake date to fool everyone if you’re so insecure about us!”

 “I’m not insecure!” Y/N takes a deep breath to calm down, “There is nothing wrong with me being upset that you didn’t think to talk to me about something that affects the both of us.”

 “It’s not your decision what I reveal about my personal life.”

 “It doesn’t just affect you–”

 “So I just have to do everything by your rules? Do I not get to make any decisions about us now? No, everything’s about you because you’re younger and you’re not a big star like me and I have to be so careful what I say to you because you’re hurt and it’s all my fault.”

 “Hilary,” Y/N feels tears pricking at the corners of her eyes.

 “Because I’m the bad guy,” Hilary stands up and shouts, “I’m the bad guy! It’s all my fault!”

 The tears start falling and suddenly a sharp pain radiating from the back of Y/N’s head spreads over her whole head. She lets out a cry and doubles over. In an instant, Hilary’s kneeling beside her.

 “I’m so sorry,” Hilary whispers, “I shouldn’t have yelled. Do you want me to get you some painkillers? Water? Are you hungry?”

 “Painkillers,” Y/N manages to choke out, “Water.”

 Hilary gets up and rushes out of the room. When she returns, she presses two pills into Y/N’s hand and hands her a cup of water. Y/N downs the pills and the water and then Hilary takes the cup from her.

 “Come on,” Hilary helps Y/N up, “Let’s get to bed. We can talk more in the morning.”

 Hilary helps Y/N lay down in bed and climbs in next to her. For the first time in what feels like forever, Hilary holds Y/N and kisses along her hairline. Finally, the pain begins to dull and Y/N finally relaxes.

 “I love you,” Hilary whispers.

 “I love you too,” Y/N says, but for the first time she doesn’t know if she really means it.

 ***

 In the morning, Y/N wakes up, rolls out of bed without waking Hilary and heads to the kitchen. As she makes herself breakfast she thinks back to the night before. She knows she can’t expect Hilary to want to remain in the closet forever, after all, Hilary’s been in the closet for longer than Y/N and it’s only logical that she’s ready to be out now. But Y/N isn’t sure she’s ready to be out and she thought Hilary would understand that. Or at the very least, Hilary would listen to what she had to say and apologize. All Y/N wants is an apology.

 The things Hilary said last night, the way she reacted, really hurt. Hilary’s been different since they got back together and at first, Y/N thought it was just her concussion, but now she’s sure it’s something else. Maybe Hilary regrets getting back together, maybe she wants to break up for good but doesn’t feel like she can because of Y/N’s concussion. And yeah, her concussion sucks but she’s not a baby, she can handle a breakup if that’s what Hilary wants. No reason for both of them to miserable.

 Y/N’s so lost in her thoughts that she doesn’t notice Hilary come in. She doesn’t realize Hilary’s in the room until she lays a hand on Y/N’s shoulder. Y/N jumps.

 “Penny for your thoughts?” Hilary says. Y/N shrugs. “Does your head still hurt?” Y/N shakes her head. “Good.” Hilary moves around the kitchen, making her own breakfast. She leans next to Y/N at the counter and sighs when Y/N won’t look up at her.

 “Look, I wanted to apologize for last night. I shouldn’t have gotten upset like that and I shouldn’t have said what I did. I’ve just been stressed and I’m not handling things as well as I expected. That’s no excuse but I want you to know I’m really sorry.”

 “Do you want to break up?”

 “What?”

 Y/N feels Hilary stand up straighter beside her. She chances a look and sees a look of shock, confusion, and worry on Hilary’s face.

 “No!” Hilary says, “Why would you think that?”

 Y/N shrugs. “You just… You’re just different. I thought you were only staying with me because you felt like you had to. Because,” Y/N gestures to her head, “It’s okay. I’ll be okay. You don’t have to stay with me ‘cause I’m hurt.”

 “I don’t want to break up, I’m sorry I made you feel like that.”

 “Well, I know Kess wouldn’t piss you off so much.”

 Y/N spits out her name. She’s tried to convince herself that she’s over it, that she’s not upset with Amanda Kessel over her concussion or Hilary’s previous relationship with her, or the fact that she’s still Hilary’s best friend despite everything. But the resentment that rises every time Hilary mentions her name tells another story.

 “Why… Why… What are you talking about? What does Kess have to do with any of this?”

 The confused, concerned look on Hilary’s face would normally make Y/N smile at how adorable she looks, but instead it just makes her angry. She gives up trying to hold it in and lets it boil over until there’s metaphorical steam coming out her ears.

 “Why don’t you just go date Kess if you love her so much?!” Y/N yells, shoving her plate into Hilary’s chest and storming out of the kitchen, leaving a shocked Hilary behind her.

 ***

 “I just don’t know what to do,” Hilary says, “I feel like she’s going to be upset I even called you.”

 “Yeah probably,” Amanda says, “I mean, I am mostly responsible for her concussion. Don’t argue with me,” She says before Hilary can even open her mouth, “Which I am so sorry about, by the way but she ignored my DM so safe to say she’s still upset with me. And, Hilary, come on, I know we’re just friends now but I’m still your ex and you’re still friends with me. Let the girl be a little jealous.”

 “This is more than a little jealous,” Hilary says, “And it’s more than that. It’s like we don’t know how to talk to each other anymore. Every conversation is a fight.”

 “I can’t fix this for you Hil,” Amanda says, “You need to work things out with her, not me.”

 “I’m trying.”

 “Maybe you’re just not trying the right things. Have you thought about doing couples therapy?”

 “Couples therapy?”

 “Yeah, you said you can’t talk to each other without it being a fight, so don’t,” Amanda says matter-of-factly, “Talk to someone else about what you’re feeling in front of her. Or talk to her with someone there mediating. It’s not for everyone but just talk to her about it and at least consider it. I know I’ve had my reservations about her but I really want you to be happy Hil, and I know she makes you happy. I want you to find a way to work things out.”

 ***

 “So lets start with why you’re both here,” Shannon, their therapist, says, “Why did you decide to come to couples therapy Hilary?”

 “I just… I really love her and I don’t know what’s wrong or how to fix it but I’ll do anything to make things work and… and I just thought that if we can’t talk to each other maybe talking to someone else would help,” Hilary says.

 “Good,” Shannon says, “It’s good that you recognize that you might need outside help with the problems your relationship is facing. Y/N, why did you decide to come to couples therapy?”

 “Because Hilary asked me to,” Y/N mumbles, not looking up from her lap.

 “Okay, thank you for being honest. Now this isn’t for everyone so for our first session I just want to explain the benefits of couples therapy as well as how things will work during our time together and I want to get to know you both a little better as a couple and individuals,” Shannon says.

 Shannon begins explaining and Hilary does listen but she also keeps an eye on Y/N. Y/N clearly doesn’t want to be there and Hilary can only hope she starts to open up and commit to trying this. Hilary is just happy that Y/N even agreed to go.

 “So, let’s get to you both, okay?” Shannon says. Hilary looks back at her and nods. She sees out of the corner of her eye that Y/N nods too. “So, how did you two meet?” Hilary looks at Y/N but when she realizes Y/N isn’t going to answer, she does.

 “We’re both hockey players and we met when we started playing for the same team.”

 “And what was your relationship like then? Did you start dating soon after you met or were you friends first?”

 “We were friends first,” Hilary looks to Y/N nervously, “I wasn’t… I liked her. When we met. I thought she was cute, um, but I didn’t really think about dating her and then… well, then I was nervous about it. I felt… I was just worried because she’s younger than me, I didn’t think I was allowed to like her, or be attracted to her, um, but I just couldn’t help liking her.” Hilary glances at Y/N, who’s staring at her in surprise. Hilary’s never told her any of this before.

 “And what did you think about Hilary?” Shannon asks. After a beat, Y/N finally turns her head away from Hilary.

 “I thought she was really hot.”

 Hilary snorts.

 “What? I did!” Y/N says. She elbows Hilary when Hilary won’t stop laughing. “Sorry I wasn’t as deep as you, I thought we were being honest.”

 “Honesty is good,” Shannon says, smiling at the two, “So you thought she was hot.” Hilary snorts again and Y/N rolls her eyes.

 “Yes, but then we started getting to know each other and Hilary was my first friend on the team and she’s just so sweet and caring and I… I just felt really good around her. I thought she was way out of my league until she got drunk and asked me out.”

 “And was the transition hard? To go from friends to girlfriends?”

 “No,” They both say at the same time.

 “It was easy,” Hilary says, “We didn’t act much different around each other, we just added, you know, kissing and stuff.” Y/N nods her head in agreement.

 “What would you say is the quote-unquote problem in your relationship? Is there perhaps one big issue you can think of or maybe a bunch of small disagreements? Hilary you mentioned that it feels like the two of you can’t talk to each other?”

 “It just feels like we’re always fighting,” Hilary says, “Or we’re not talking. And whenever we try and talk things out we just get upset and yell at each other. I’m trying to be understanding but I don’t know what’s wrong because she won’t tell me and then I just get angry.”

 “Why am I the problem?” Y/N says.

 “I didn’t say that.”

 “You said I won’t tell you what’s wrong but you never asked, you’re not understanding you don’t even bother trying,” Y/N crosses her arms and leans back on the couch with an angry huff.

 “Well it’s not like you’re asking either,” Hilary mutters.

 “Alright,” Shannon interrupts, “Let’s take a step back here. Hilary, you feel like Y/N isn’t telling you when something is bothering her and that frustrates you.” Hilary nods. “Now, Y/N, while you may disagree with Hilary’s side of things right now, what’s she’s doing is sharing how she feels and it’s important that both of you listen to the other and try and understand why they feel that way. So, Y/N, you seem to have a different side to the story than Hilary, can you share what you’re feeling?”

 Y/N’s still sulking, but she answers.

 “It’s like she doesn’t know what to say to me. Or like she’s hiding something or like she doesn’t want to upset me because of my concussion. She refuses to ever finish an argument because it’s gonna hurt my head or whatever. She just avoids every conversation we try to have. She keeps saying she’s sorry and then doing the same shit over and over! She says something mean in a fight and then says she’s so sorry she didn’t mean it and then she does it again! I don’t know how much more I can forgive her.”

 It feels like all the air has been sucked out of the room. For a moment, Hilary’s shocked, speechless. Emotions flow through her, concern, fear, heartbreak, understanding, and then. Anger. It overpowers her and she can’t stop her mouth no matter how much she wants to. She doesn’t know if she wants to.

 “This is what I’m talking about! You never talk to me!” Hilary turns towards Y/N, “If you’ve been feeling like this then why didn’t you tell me? I can’t read your mind! God you’re such a…”

 “Go on say it!” Y/N snaps, “Say it, I’m such a child right? That’s all you think of me, I’m just some kid you’re taking advantage of because I’m too naïve to say no!”

 “I wasn’t going to say that! And I’m not taking advantage of you!”

 “Don’t you dare lie! You think I’m a child!”

 “I do not!”

 Hilary stands up and in an instant, Shannon is out of her seat and placing herself between the two of them. Hilary can still feel the anger thrumming under her skin but she forces herself to look away from Y/N and at Shannon. Shannon has her hands up in a placating gesture. Hilary hasn’t felt such strong, acute anger off the ice.

 “I’m taking a walk,” Hilary gets out through gritted teeth.

 “That’s a very good idea Hilary.”

 Hilary crosses the room stiffly. She walks down to the lobby, each muscle in her body tight. She grabs one of the paper cups and fills it from the water cooler. When she raises it to drink, she notices her hand is shaking. She drinks the entire cup in one gulp then pours another one, gulping that one too. She crushes the cup in her fist before dropping it in the garbage. When she makes it back to the room, she knocks on the door first before opening it. Shannon is back to sitting in her seat and the atmosphere tells Hilary that they were talking about her.

 “Welcome back Hilary,” Shannon says, “Are you ready to continue?” Hilary nods, sitting beside Y/N on the couch, leaving a noticeable distance between them.

 “Sorry,” Hilary mumbles.

 “Sorry too,” Y/N mumbles back.

 “Our session is almost up,” Shannon says, “But while you were gone, Hilary, Y/N and I agreed that it would be very beneficial to you both if we had individual sessions as well as couple sessions. What are your thoughts on that?”

 “Good,” Hilary says, “It sounds good.”

 “Good. I’ll head down to the front with you so we can schedule some time for your individual sessions before our next couple session. Today was a good session and I look forward to seeing how we grow from here.”

 ***

 Hilary has her first solo session a few days later. She’s nervous, but she’s not sure why. For some reason, sharing her deepest thoughts and feelings was easier when Y/N was next to her, but she knows why they should have solo sessions too. If their first session was any indicator, they won’t figure anything out because they’re too busy yelling at each other.

 “So, let’s talk about our last session,” Shannon says. They’ve been talking, Shannon asking fairly easy questions for Hilary to answer. “You got quite upset and needed to step out. Can we talk about why you reacted that way?” Hilary shrugs.

 “Why did what Y/N said upset you so much?” Hilary stares out the window and doesn’t respond. “Y/N told me about your breakup. About what you said. You got upset when Y/N accused you of something you already said to her.”

 “I didn’t mean it.”

 “I know. We say things we don’t mean when we’re upset. You understand this, and Y/N understands this. So why did you get upset at her?”

 Hilary doesn’t say anything. Mostly because she doesn’t know what she’s supposed to say. She doesn’t know why she got so upset. She doesn’t know why she lost it. She never knows why she gets so upset over things, why she reacts the way she does. When Y/N said Hilary still thinks of her as a child, Hilary got frustrated because she knows it’s not true and Y/N doesn’t believe her.

 “She doesn’t believe me.”

 “About what?”

 “That I didn’t mean it. That’s why she keeps bringing it up.”

 “And why does that upset you?”

 “If she doesn’t believe me then she doesn’t forgive me.”

 “Hilary, you can’t force someone to believe you or forgive you. But the fact that she’s still here, still trying, means that even if she doesn’t, she wants to,” Shannon says, “And part of forgiveness, part of making up after a fight is proving that you won’t do it again. It may be frustrating that she hasn’t forgiven you yet, but she will if you keep putting in the effort to show her that you’re listening to her, that you understand what you did wrong and that you’re growing and becoming better. Hilary, I want to ask you now, have you forgiven yourself?”

 Hilary feels like Shannon just smacked her in the face. Has she forgiven herself? Hasn’t everything she’s been trying to do been to make up for what she did? Has she been doing any of it for Y/N? Or has she been doing it for herself? The guilt that fills her whenever she thinks of that night, that’s not because of Y/N, that’s because Hilary still hasn’t forgiven herself for what she did and every time Y/N brings it up, she gets angry at herself and doesn’t know how to handle it.

 Hilary shakes her head.

“Okay,” Shannon says, “It’s good that you recognize that. It seems that part of the reason you were so upset is because you’re still angry with yourself, is that correct?” Hilary nods. “And every time you both have a fight it adds to the guilt you feel, making yourself angrier, correct?” Hilary nods again. “Okay, we’ve made some really good progress today. Now, can you do something for me before our next session?” Another nod. “I want you to try and think of good times you and Y/N had together, times where you were a good girlfriend to her, ignore all the times you hurt her or upset her, and think of concrete examples of times where you were supportive or caring or even when you just made her happy to be around you. Can you do that? We’ll start our next individual session with that.”

 ***

 “So, we touched on this briefly in our last session, but I want to discuss your and Hilary’s breakup,” Shannon says, “What she said to you hurt, didn’t it?”

 “Of course it did,” Y/N says.

 “And in your own words, you forgave her very quickly.” Y/N nods. “And correct me if I’m wrong, but it seems that you both moved on from it without really getting to the bottom of why she said what she did and why it hurt so much.”

 “I guess.”

 “What are your reasons for forgiving her so quickly and for not speaking it about it after it happened?”

 “I just missed her,” Y/N says, “We didn’t talk for so long and I just missed her and I missed when things were okay and… well, I just didn’t want to think about it anymore. I just wanted her back.”

 “You wanted to go back to when things were good, that’s understandable. And the Hilary you knew from before would never say those things to you.”

 “She loved me – she loves me.”

 “And I’m not arguing that,” Shannon says, “But you have realized by now that you can’t ignore what hurts or why it does and expect everything to be normal. That’s why we’re here, things didn’t go back to normal and you’re facing the repercussions of it. So lets talk about why it hurt. What upset you the most about what Hilary said?”

 “She called me a child,” Y/N says, “She… I know I’m younger than her, I know I’m younger than anyone else she’s been with and I know she’s been in more relationships than me. I know I’m younger, I’m not as mature or grown up or experienced and I know it bothers her sometimes when I’m not mature and grown up. But she always said it didn’t matter. That everyone else’s opinions didn’t matter. That she loved me – loves me, and I believed her. And then she said that and it just… it just brought up every insecurity I had.”

 “Insecurities about your role in the relationship? Or insecurities about yourself in general?”

 “Everyone sees me as a kid except Hilary and… I told her once that everyone only tolerated me because they were waiting for her to breakup with me because I’m just a kid and she’s Hilary Knight. Sometimes I can’t help but think… maybe she’d be better off with someone older. Someone closer to her age, someone who gets her, you know someone like…”

 “Like what?”

 “She says there’s nothing, but I can’t help it. Kess is the reason I got hurt and she’s still best friends with her and she still hangs out with her and talks to her and what if she was happier with her than with me?”

 “Have you spoken to her about your feelings towards Kess?”

 Y/N crosses her arms and shrinks back in her seat. “No.”

 “Do you think maybe you should?”

 “I guess,” Y/N mumbles.

 “The most important part of a healthy relationship is communication. You and Hilary both need to communicate to the other about insecurities you have and things that bother you before they lead to things like arguments and insults you don’t mean. Do you think you would be here if you and Hilary had discussed the breakup and how it affected you both instead of bottling it up?”

 “Probably not.”

 “Okay. What my goal is here is to try and help both partners see how their relationships have gotten to the point they did and what each person could have done differently to prevent it. I know it’s hard and it’s not fun, but it’s important and critical to maintaining a healthy, happy relationship that you communicate with Hilary about what you’re feeling. Telling her your insecurities is important, but it’s also about telling her smaller things, like how you don’t like eating pasta three times a week, for example. Trust me, when you get used to communicating the small stuff, the big stuff gets easier.”

 Y/N supposes that makes sense. Her and Hilary have always struggled to communicate. They’ve always forgiven each other for their outbursts and times they’ve gotten upset, but maybe, Y/N thinks, they shouldn’t need to forgive each other. They wouldn’t fight or snap at each other so much if they just talked through what they were feeling or admitted when they needed space. Maybe Shannon is onto something here.

 “I’m hoping that for our next group session that we can spend some time sharing what is really bothering both of you. I would like you before we meet again to think about things that you’re insecure about and things that bother you that either Hilary does or that other people do that you think Hilary could help you through so that we can discuss the best ways for you both to communicate your emotions and the best ways for each of you to respond.”

 ***

 “I realized that I really just felt guilty and ashamed of myself,” Hilary says, “And I kept taking those negative emotions out on you, which wasn’t fair, and then it made me more guilty and more ashamed and it just kept cycling. I’m working on forgiving myself for what happened and for not allowing the negative things I feel spiral into me hurting you or myself.”

 “It wasn’t that I didn’t forgive you, but we kept fighting and that made me revaluate our fight and instead of talking to you I kept it to myself because I was worried that you might confirm my fears that you don’t actually want to be with me,” Y/N says, “And it didn’t help that I’m injured and all my friends are out celebrating a win that I can’t celebrate with them. I shut myself off from you and I shut myself off from them because I hated feeling like I was missing out on something.”

 “I’m sorry that I couldn’t help you through what was bothering you.”

 “And I’m sorry I kept fighting with you instead of trying to talk about what was actually bothering me.”

 “I think we’ve made some great progress today,” Shannon says, “The next steps are learning strategies towards forgiving ourselves and quieting and dealing with negative thoughts and unlearning the urge to hide our true feelings. We cannot silence negative thoughts or feelings, they will always be there, but we can learn to manage them and to discuss them so they won’t be bottled up and we can get reassurances from our loved ones that the negative thoughts aren’t true.”

 ***

 Y/N’s making breakfast when Hilary comes up behind her and wraps her arms around Y/N’s waist. Hilary kisses Y/N’s cheek before resting her head on Y/N’s shoulder. They slowly swayed together.

 “What time is your session today?” Hilary asks.

 “4:30.”

 “Plenty of time then.”

 “Time for what?”

 “You’ll see,” Hilary says, “Just eat and get dressed.”

 Y/N is desperately curious about what Hilary has planned. They’ve been doing better, much better, in the months since they’ve started going to therapy. Still, they haven’t gone out and done much since Hilary’s still worried about Y/N’s concussion. But, Y/N’s doctors have cleared her for exercise and she hasn’t had a debilitating headache in months, so clearly Hilary is confidant that Y/N can handle not only an outside excursion but a surprising one as well.

 “Will you at least tell me what to wear?” Y/N asks, “Am I dressing up or am I wearing sweats? It would be easier if you just told me what we were doing.” Y/N says sweetly, leaning up on her toes to kiss Hilary’s cheek. Hilary smiles but doesn’t budge, even as Y/N kisses down her neck.

 “You’ll see when we get there,” Hilary gently pushes Y/N away, “I’ll pick out an outfit for you, okay?” Y/N pouts, but acquiesces that Hilary isn’t going to tell her.

 Once they’re both dressed and ready, Y/N’s practically vibrating with excitement and curiosity. Hilary laughs when she sees Y/N bouncing on her toes. When they get in the car, Hilary behind the wheel, Hilary doesn’t drive away at first. She spends a few minutes on her phone, but when Y/N tries to lean on her shoulder to see what she’s doing, Hilary turns the screen away from her. Y/N sighs. She’s excited for wherever Hilary’s taking her, she hates that Hilary won’t just tell her.

 “You’re not going to make me wear a blindfold are you?” Y/N deadpans.

 “Well…”

 “Hilary!”

 “I’m kidding!” Hilary says, holding her hands up in defence, “I’m not going to make you wear a blindfold, unless you want to?”

 “No.”

 “Right, then no blindfold. I don’t care if you find out where we’re going because I know you won’t guess what we’re doing.”

 “Oh come on,” Y/N whines, “Just tell me!”

 “No,” Hilary whines back.

 Y/N crosses her arms and pouts. She doesn’t care if she looks childish, she wants Hilary to know she’s annoyed. Hilary doesn’t say anything, she just smiles and shakes her head. After a few minutes, Y/N realizes the turns Hilary is taking.

 “Are you taking me to the rink?” Y/N asks. Hilary’s smile tells Y/N enough. “Hil, I was cleared for light exercise not to get on the ice. Hilary, are you even listening to me?” Y/N can’t help the laughter that bubbles up. “Hilary!” Y/N pushes at Hilary’s arm.

 “Stop! I’m driving!” Hilary swats at Y/N’s hand, “I know what I’m doing, trust me!”

 “I’m sorry if I’m suspicious,” Y/N says, giving Hilary side-eye, “If you just told me what we were doing…”

 “I’m not telling! We’re almost there, just be patient for a few more minutes.”

 For the next few minutes, Y/N sits and pouts while Hilary smiles but keeps her mouth shut. When Hilary pulls into the parking lot of the rink, Y/N raises her eyebrows and waits for Hilary to finally tell her why they’re here. Hilary raises her eyebrows right back.

 “Are you going to sit in the car and ruin my hard work?” Hilary asks.

 “I still don’t know why we’re here. What am I supposed to be doing?”

 “You’re going to get out of the car and we’re going to walk in the front doors.”

 Y/N rolls her eyes, Hilary is so stubborn sometimes. She does what Hilary says though, getting out and walking with Hilary to the front doors. Hilary is almost vibrating from excitement, standing tall with her arm linked with Y/N’s. Hilary holds open the door and when Y/N steps inside, her jaw drops in shock.

 “Surprise!” Jill’s hugging Y/N before Y/N can even process that she’s in front of her. Y/N looks around, her entire team is there, in their jerseys with their medals around their necks. Y/N looks to Hilary. Hilary is holding out Y/N’s jersey and medal to her.

 “I know how bummed you’ve been about missing all the celebrations, even if you try and hide it,” Hilary says, “So I wanted to give you a chance to experience what a gold medal celebration feels like. Everyone wanted to come out and spray you with champagne and chug beer out of a trophy and… take pictures. I know it’s not the same but I want you to have something from the tournament to look back on that was good.”

 “Hil…” Y/N thinks she’s going to cry. This must’ve taken Hilary months to set up and she and everyone else managed to keep it all a secret. The fact that everyone wants to give Y/N the experience she missed out because of her concussion… Y/N doesn’t have words to describe what she’s feeling. She puts on her jersey and grabs the medal with shaky hands. She holds it for a moment, looking at it, before she places it around her neck.

 It's an incredible day. Everyone jumps around and cheers and there’s TVs set up playing the gold medal game. Y/N gets sprayed with champagne and she sprays plenty at everyone else. It’s not the same as what the celebration would be like right after the win, but it’s good and it’s fun and Y/N is so happy. Y/N stops in the middle of her jumping around just to stare at Hilary who’s staring right back at her. Y/N loves her so much and she’s so grateful that they worked things out and that they’re happy together. Hilary is the greatest thing Y/N could ever have. Y/N thinks she could spend the rest of her life in this moment, her teammates jumping and screaming around her, a gold medal around her neck, and Hilary looking at her like she hung the moon and the stars in the sky. Y/N jumps and squeals when arms wrap around her waist and lift her into the air.

 “Quit staring at your girlfriend and celebrate dammit!” Emily Clark’s loud voice yells in Y/N’s ear. Y/N squirms out of Emily’s arms and pushes her away before she rejoins the celebration. She can hear Hilary’s laugh ringing out over everyone else and Y/N doesn’t think she’s ever been happier.

#hilary knight #hilary knight imagine #hockey imagine #womens hockey imagine #hockey rpf #uswnt imagines #uswnt hockey #woho #woho imagine

[unchained-hound-dog]

can you do a super angsty long distance fic where urban and reader get into a fight about urban entertaining other women and the reader being busy with school and urban says something dumb and mean which results in her ignoring him and he has to make amends and show her him much he cares

Here you go!

Urban had been on tour for 3 months, the distance wasn't something that you ever really noticed at first, you'd facetime a lot, plus you were out of school for summer so you were able to go around the country with him. However you were now back in class and Urban was in countries where the time difference was making it nearly impossible for you both to communicate effectively. You'd be waking up at 7am for class and, across the other side of the world, Urban would be going to bed. By the time your classes were done for the day you'd texted each other twice and the likelyhood of a facetime before you went to bed was extremely unlikely.

'It's not that I don't wanna talk to you baby, our schedules are just clashing so much right now' had been Urban's response to you when you'd argued to him about the lack of time he had to message you.

'You seem to have so much time for all these girls on tour though, I've seen the pictures Urb' this was your first facetime call in over a week, it was 9pm for you and around 2pm for Urban, he had a quiet 30 minutes and so he'd called you.

'Y/N' he shook his head and rolled his eyes, moving around slightly before speaking again 'those girls are nothing'

'Mmm yeah okay well the one where she's bent over in front of you looks like something'

'Okay and did you see me in the picture? Uncomfortable as fuck' he shrugs his shoulders

'Why are you putting yourself in situations where girls can do that shit?'

He sucked his teeth before saying 'You know what, sometimes its nice to speak to girls who don't constantly have an attitude'

Your mouth fell open slightly, tears brimming in your eyes before you blinked them back and held your finger above the red end call button 'fuck you Urban, fuck you' you pressed the button, the screen closing.

You didn't have an attitude, you just needed your boyfriend so spend some time talking to you and not fawning over girls in a club. You knew Urban's past, he had never kept it a secret, before he'd met you, he'd sleep around when he was on the road but he'd fell in love with you and hadn't slept with anyone since meeting you. You knew this, you trusted him and you knew he'd never do something that would hurt you, but you were so exhausted from school and so emotional over him being away.

-

'She hasn't answered any of my calls for 2 days and the only reason I know she's even alive is cause she's reading my messages and not replying' Urban was sat on the tour bus with Jack and Neelam, the two of them listening to their friends troubles.

'Well first of all you're a scumbag for talking to the best thing in you life like that, and second of all, you're a scumbag' Neelam shook her head as she leant back in the chair

'Thanks' Urban shot her a sarcastic smile before turning to Jack

'Man if she isn't answering your calls you need to go see her, short this shit out'

Urban scoffed, the idea of him leaving this tour was stupid. He'd never not toured with Jack, never missed a single day.

'You either go home and fix this shit or you'll lose the her Urban'

-

You were exhausted, your day had been one thing after another, you'd dropped your coffee all over the floor of your car, you'd backed too far into a space and knocked your rear end on a tree, you'd forgotten your textbooks and lunch. Walking out of the building at the end of the day was bliss, you drove home and got up to your apartment, finally ready to chill out and sleep.

However something was off as soon as you stepped foot inside your apartment, it smelt different, cologne mixed with a hint of weed, you placed your bag down on the side before stepping around the corner and into the living room.

'Hi' Urban was sat on the couch, a bunch of roses in his hand as he waited for your response.

'Urban wha-'

'I didn't mean what I said, I'm so stupid for talking to you like that. Not once did I ask you how school was going and I'm so sorry for that. You don't have to accept my apology but I'm home for a week so if you wanted to we cou-' you cut him off

'A week?' you were confused, Urban never missed tour, ever

'Yeah, we fly back here in one week and tour more of the states so you can come on tour with us again'

'And when you go away again?' you crossed your arms

'I promise you I will be more available to talk to you, and no more clubbing'

'Urb' you let out a small laugh 'the clubbing didn't bother me, seeing you with those girls didn't bother me as much as I let on, it was the fact they were spending more time with you than I was'

'And that will change baby, I promise, come here' he stood up, placing the flowers on the coffee table and pulling you into his arms

'I love you so much' You pressed a long kiss to his lips before pulling away

'I love you to, so much'

#urban wyatt x reader #urban wyatt imagine #urban wyatt

[doriantomybasil]

i just had the worst sleep of my life? but like it was also the best? it was so weird imma have to tell you guys about it

so i got drunk last night and slept over at my friends flat because live farther away from where we were but she had a class at 8 so we woke up early and i went home. i was supposed to have a class at 12 and it was like 8:30 by the time i actually got home and no one else was home so i was like i’m gonna sleep for like two hours and then go to class

so i go to sleep, everything’s fine, then like half an hour later i wake up but i don’t really wake up, i can hardly force my eyes to open, i can hear someone coming into the flat and coming in my door and then a child was jumping up and down on my bed???? so yeah long story short i had a sleep paralysis episode which i hadn’t had in years and didn’t even realise what it was when it was happening

so whatever i go back to sleep, my alarm goes off at 10:30 i wake up but like don’t fully wake up because i ended up falling asleep like a minute later, and i woke up at around 10:50 and my bus was leaving at 11:10 but my whole fucking right arm was fully numb and i couldn’t even move it, i didn’t feel it, it was so ducking weird and it stayed like that for a few minutes and it got to a point where i was actually getting concerned about my health but it ended up being fine.

so anyways yeah i didn’t go to my (first) intro to cultural studies class because i thought my arm was gonna have to be amputated so i missed my bus. i did wake up really refreshed though so it wasn’t all bad

[katoktm6]

Blanes, June 13

We slept somewhat soundly until 9.:48 am! A bit too late for the free breakfast which ended at 10:00, but apparently sleep was needed more than food today! Scurried around to pack and walk the “20 minute” walk to the bus station… which ended up taking us over an hour because we kept getting disoriented in all the alleys and plazas and streets. When I go back to Barcelona, I stay for two days, so I will be able to go to all the castles and cathedrals. But we hopped a bus to our start from destination…Blanes Spain. This is the official start of the Costa Brava in Spain. The photos with the arched metal sculpture like a whale fin is the portal to the Costa Brava and where our hike will begin.

Back to Barcelona..we met three women who had just completed the Camino Portugal, from Bulgaria…they were probably my age. We also (see photos) passed a store that sold only sculptures of people pooping…even Yoda! Apparently, it is an honor to have a figurine made of yourself pooping…so all famous people are pooping! Here’s the story…there is always one figure in a nativity set that is pooping! Why? Because traditionally, the farmer would use his own feces to fertilize the crops and this was considered the reason why the fields produced such bountiful harvests in the region. So now a pooping figure in a nativity set means good fortune for the next year. Crazy! Be sure to look closely at the photos!

Also in Barcelona, notice earthquake and ghost photos (me trying to take panoramic photos)

Back to Blanes. Our Airbnb is perfect! The view is incredible…see photos. We are right in the heart of the town so restaurants and people abound…also, we are sitting on our rooftop terrace at 8:30 p.m. drinking the wine of Blanes and watching life at the beach below us. Walked all over town today…lunch at an old mansion built by Americanos ( the first people to spend money here were Cubans and Puerto Ricans). So the local people started saying “ it is time to dine like Americanos” since they all hosted massive parties in their massive palatial homes. Followed historical mid evil trail to see cathedral etc..then the mid evil gateway into Blanes…it was the gate which opened into the castles and fortresses of the viscounts and viscountesses…(photo). Called the Gate of the Virgin Mary…We bought trekking poles…and have made a new plan. Since we have this place for two nights…tomorrow we will walk our first 15 mile hike. The town we are headed to is a historic pirate hideout, etc…more tomorrow… but we will hike there tomorrow, take the bus back here. Sleep in the next day, take the bus back to Tossa de Mar and spend the day exploring the pirate city rather than hiking there and being too tired to enjoy it. So, to summarize, instead of relaxing here tomorrow, hike 15 miles, Return, sleep, eat, return to Tossa spend day and night there before venturing on.

Easy day…quiet beautiful city. Finally not worried about my dogs because I got the best photos and texts from Marisela. if you are someone who knows Chimi…she may have found someone better 🤣. Marisela’s daughter.

Dinner will probably be at 10:00 tonight, as the sun sets…up at 6:00?

I forgot the backpack story!!!! So if you followed my trip in Ecuador you will know that on a bus trip through the mountains I was robbed of all my cash and credit cards. I could never figure out how it happened. Caroline could not figure it out either. Today Elyse figured it out. She looked at my backpack while we were waiting for the bus and said what is that zipper and why is it open? It was a zipper I never noticed on the back of my backpack. It was open and broken. You could reach through the back zipper and take anything you wanted out of my backpack. We worked and worked while waiting for the bus and finally got the zipper closed. I have wondered for four years how someone on a bus stole all my shit. Now I know. Case closed. See photos. The zipper allows you to put the frame of the backpack in and out. I have always had the frame in so I never even knew there was a zipper there

Also I love all the comments but I cannot figure out how to reply to them! Keep commenting I love it.

[letterforyou1984]

Lea,

You’re the one I spent the most time around and you’re the first person I ever cut out of my life.

My first memory with you is one of my oldest, and it’s actually a positive memory. You had taken me somewhere and were bringing my home. I was sitting in the backseat of your car, proudly holding this large flower made out of pipe cleaners and tissue paper. That’s all I remember outside of seeing the big water tower behind our townhome and you pulling in the driveway.

My next memory I was around 7 or 8 and I walked to your apartment after school before I headed home. I think I was going to try and talk you into letting me and my brother come over to go swimming in the complex pool that weekend. I was there for almost an hour and then headed home. By the time I got home, about 30 minutes later, you had called my mom accusing me of stealing your calculator. I had mom call you and tell you it was on the kitchen table but you swore I stole it and wanted mom to check my book bag. After a while you finally listened and moved the newspaper I was looking at and found the calculator underneath. Exactly where I said it was. You said “oh” and hung up the phone. Never said sorry, just “oh.”

A couple of years after that you ended up moving in with us, I can’t remember why though. You slept on a little foldout bed on the floor of mine and my brothers room. Which you quickly took control of. Back then I had to sleep with the tv on, volume low. I couldn’t sleep without noise. But you complained about it until my parents made me stop. They got me a little radio with headphones so I could quietly listen to music to sleep. You didn’t like that either because you could apparently hear it and tell me to turn it down every night. Even when the volume was so low I could barely hear it, you complained it was too loud for you to sleep. My dad reminded you it was my room, and you were just a guest, and you threw a fit.

For months you treated our room like it was yours, and my brother and I were guests in our own room. It got to the point where I started doing anything I could think of, as a 4th grader, to get you out of our room. I would move your things and hide them. I would empty the drawers of your little cardboard dresser. I would spray water on your pillow where you laid your head. I took one of your checkbooks and used crayon to write million dollar checks to everyone on my bus. I went back to sleeping with music on and would play it as loud as I could tolerate (don’t bother my brother he was always asleep before his head hit the pillow). I even convinced my brother to help me set you up with the creepy guy down the hall so you would move in with him.

You gave me emotional whiplash more than anyone else and it took until I was almost an adult to figure out why. You were nice and accommodating when you needed something from me, but the second you got what you wanted you were no longer nice. You were also nice when getting ready to ask my mom to take us on a trip because you knew she wouldn’t let you take my brother and not me, so you needed me to agree to go. You would take me shopping for clothes or toys, just to take them back as punishment when I did/said something you didn’t like. Everything. Ever. Thing. Came with strings attached if it involved you.

When I was 21 my brother talked you into adding me to your phone plan, but you would turn the service off if I did anything that you didn’t agree with or if I made mom made. You didn’t like my tone while I was talking to you? Service turned off. I didn’t pay you back $5 I borrowed? Service off. If I went over the data you allowed me to use? Service off AND a hand written “bill” from you with how much you felt I owed you.

I finally decided I wanted to go to college right after my youngest was born and was looking at going to Sinclair, but it was a 40 minute drive from Loveland to Dayton. You offered to get me a hotel room for a week, once a month. I immediately said no. There was no way in hell I was going to borrow money from you and have you lord it over me for the rest of your life. Under no uncertain terms would I take a penny from you. A week later mom let me know she had the money for me to get a hotel room for a week. When I asked her where she got the money, since I knew she didn’t have it as I had JUST called the church to see if they had money for our electric bill, and she told me not to worry about it. Which I knew meant she got it from you. So I reminded her I was NOT borrowing money from you. She again told me not to worry about it. A month later I got something in the mail from you. It was a handwritten “bill” with damn tax and interest added on. I called you and asked what the hell you sent me that for, I did not borrow money from you, I wasn’t paying you a cent, that mom borrowed the money so take it up with her. You said mom borrowed it from you for me, so it was my responsibility to pay it back. The hell it was. So every week, for six months, you sent me a “bill.” I don’t know why you stopped and I don’t care, but I didn’t owe you shit.

When mom took custody of my kid you said she was better off with me not having custody, that I couldn’t fuck her up now that a real mom had custody of her. You continued to ignore every single thing I said if it involved my kid. You did that until she was almost eight.

Christmas 2007 you and I got into an argument for god knows what reason. You kept pushing my buttons and smirking over how upset you were getting me. It got to the point I could feel my blood boil and knew I needed to leave the situation before I did something. As I was walking to my room I screamed “stop laughing at me or I’m going to kill you” and you started laughing hysterically and with a mocking tone “oh no, she’s going to kill me”. Next thing I know I’m walking back down the hallway and punch you in the face with my left hand (I’m right handed and weak af with my left hand). I snapped too when everyone started yelling at me.

Less than a year later me, my daughter, mom, and you were traveling back to Ohio after a trip to Tennessee. You and mom went to Nashville and my daughter and I had gone to see a friend of mine. My daughter was upset about something and while I was trying to calm her down you took of your seatbelt, turned around in your seat, leaned into the back, started wagging your finger in her face and started yelling at her to be quiet. I kept telling you to stop and sit back down, that you were making it worse. After you kept going I started telling you to stop screaming at my kid. You kept going so I punched you in the side of the head. You screamed like I had just stabbed you, demanded my mom pull over on the side of the highway and call the cops. I’m standing on the side of the highway, getting chewed out by a trooper, while another was examining where I hit you. I will admit, I was giving the trooper major attitude, which pissed him off. Pissed him off even more when he couldn’t arrest me, because even 30 minutes later they couldn’t find a single mark on you. They sure tried to find one though.

In 2009 my mom and daughter moved in with you after you and mom decided to go halfsies on buying a beautiful double wide. You had one requirement though. I was not allowed anywhere near the house. If I came you wouldn’t. I had a month to find somewhere to live, without my child, since mom had custody. I ended up moving into a job corp center just so I wouldn’t be homeless. I got day passes and weekend passes, but I couldn’t go to the house and see my kid because of your rule. Mom would have to come pick me up, we would go somewhere to eat, and she would take me back to the center. A few months later mom, for some reason, decided to defend me and tell you I had a right to come to the house and spend time with my kid. So you reluctantly agreed to let me come see my kid for a few hours on the weekends, but I was not allowed to stay the night. What mom didn’t know, you had stopped paying your half of the mortgage and started secretly and slowing moving out, leaving her with 100% of the bills. I’m me weekend I was at the house and noticed someone walking around out back and I went to go see who they were. They were with the electric company and were shocked to see me. They had been told the home was vacant, the resident moved out months ago, and the power needed to be turned off. You didn’t give mom any warning to switch the power to her name. You knew she slept with a CPAP machine and her sleep apnea was so severe she could die without it, and your 4 1/2 year old great niece lived there, but you didn’t care. She lost the house because of you not paying your share for six months, even after you told her you had paid your share. That’s the only reason she and my daughter moved in with Becka and I in Arizona.

I don’t remember exactly when I told you that if you weren’t going to respect me as my daughters mom, that you were going to have nothing to do with her, but I told you that until then you could no longer see her or talk to her. Also because you started treating her how you treated me and I was not going to allow that to happen. You pushed the boundary by having my brother give her a card and/or gift you bought her for her birthday. But I allowed that until you stopped doing it when she was around 10 years old.

There was a day when my daughter was around 10, where my brother had asked me if he could take her for the day. He wanted to take her to lunch and play laser tag, so I let him. They had a blast together until my daughter realized she was scared of the dark. Later that day my brother met my dad and I for dinner to drop my daughter back off with me. As we were sitting there eating my daughter was telling me about her day and how she had talked to you. I saw the look of “oh shit” in my brothers face and i immediately asked for an explanation. For a few weeks you had been trying to talk my brother into taking my daughter for the day and taking her to see you. But to make sure he didn’t tell me that part. You guilt tripped my brother into breaking my trust and put him in the middle of something he never should have been put in the middle of. I had my brother call you from his phone and I went off on you. You crossed a line there was never going to be a way for you to come back from.

Until COVID, I would see you at my nieces birthday parties, but I wouldn’t speak to you or let you speak to my daughter. I saw it hurting you and I couldn’t give two shits less. You no longer exist to us. I just need someone to let me know when you finally die.

#healing #therapy #journal #mentalhealth #family #toxic relationship #toxic people #toxic family

[missspringthyme]

March 5th, 2024

I found out that MATLAB had in fact not finished downloading overnight, but had instead decided i needed to start over again. My laptop was plugged in next to the kitchen sink to get good wifi, and I started again.

We had eggs and toast for breakfast, and FIR kept fussing over whether there was enough food and whether it was good enough. I kept saying it was fine.

While we waited for my download to finish, she gave me her photo albums to flip through. She loves photography, particularly with film so she had years worth of photos. Sometimes with film I struggle to tell if I like the photo because of the photographer or because it's film, but with hers I think it's a bit of both. It also desperately makes me want to get a film camera as well.

Originally, I was supposed to come to my thesis meeting early, but I ended up being 30 minutes late because I didn't want to leave before MATLAB was done. At least I knew there would be no better excuse for being late. FIR came with me to do some work in my faculty building, and I spent an hour or 2 learning some new things for processing the eeg data.

I bought myself some paprika chips and a blue Aquarius as a snack from the vending machines when I got out of the meeting, I think I will forever associate those tastes with the faculty of psychology and neuroscience. Eating it now brought me back to the other times I had rushed to grab that exact snack during the break in my tutorial, or before a lecture. Last semester I often did not eat until late in the evening minus a bag of paprika chips. My worst one was nearing the end of last semester, I was so horribly ill. I felt like my entire head was underwater and I was 2 seconds from death. I wake up at 5am to get to a tutorial on time that I have to attend because I've already missed 2, and I'm cursing myself for using my 2 absences on more trivial matters. I don't have enough time to have breakfast, and I slept for roughly 4 hours the night before. In the 10 minute break of that tutorial I buy 2 of each and stand by the vending machine violently consuming my paprika chips and emptying the sports drink directly down my throat before rushing upstairs to complete the 2nd hour of my tutorial. What a nightmare, but not today.

I sat with FIR for a bit, but i was starting to get a headache and just wanted to go home. I was truly seconds from leaving when German Sri Lankan texted and asked me if I was at uni. She came over and we all talked for a bit, she then asked if I wanted to go back to Aachen with her. We somehow missed the train and the next one was canceled, so we decided to take the bus instead. This did mean that, unfortunately I wasted money on a non refundable train ticket but whatever. I'm only young once right?

It was really nice catching up with my friend though. On the bus ride back, per my request she spoke only German. This is also better for her because she finds English very difficult. Nothing but respect and admiration that she chose to do her masters in English.

Having my bed back was very nice though. I'm about to enter crunch time.

#march #friend #thesis #matlab

[now-we-say-c0ral]

June 18, 2023

Woke up a bit late today because I was so tired from yesterday's concert. Today was pretty uneventful. This will be my rest day because I'll be starting my 4 day work week tomorrow with no day offs in between. I like it better like that so that I can enjoy the rest of my week in peace.

Day was mostly spent playing Diablo 4 but I disowned the sorceress that I have been playing and started again with a necromancer I named 'Daddy'.

I went outside and bought some japanese curry ingredients for our lunch tomorrow at work and made some chicken japanese curry. I also bought some Magnum ice cream. I know I'll regret the ice cream but the fact that this week has been my holiday week, I think I deserve to eat and I'll just save the regretting and hustling to get my body back the week after. I'm too horny for ice cream to care at this point.

June 17, 2023

Today's Saturday. I still feel like not doing anything today but I have to get up and start my day because my friends and I will be watching the phenomenal SZA on her concert today.

Started my day around 8am with the usual but equally as important cuddles from Ed. Played Diablo 4 the whole morning with Miles and kuya Byron. They told me that my sorceress build was good but for me it wasn't really that good. I just need some more movement speed buff. After around 12pm I bounced off the team and tooka shower because I've got to get ready and meet my friends. We agreed that we'd see each other around 2pm. I took a shower around 1pm because the venue was really close to home but then I had two problems. 1. I was missing the shirt that I wanted to wear and spent like 20 minutes looking for that damn black shirt and 2. The DLR was closed so I had to take a bus to Canning Town then the tube for Nortj Greenwich. I got there 30 past 2 and JC was a bit annoyed because he wanted us to be standing near SZA to the point we can breathe her air. It was my fault for overestimating my ability to be early. Isaw Porcia along with Kim and it was so nice to see such familiar and welcome faces. We queued from 2.30-7pm before they opened the gates. We've got a pretty good spot near the stage and Raye started off the show as SZA's front act and the front act is giving main event vibes and she actually sings pretty darn amazing. When SZA came out I lost it! She sounds exactly like what she sounds on Spotify and she's so pretty! My mental illness was vibing althroughout the show and it was such an experience. My favorite part was when she sang Kiss Me More, Nobody Gets Me, and weirdly Seek and Destroy.

Got home around 11.30pm after all the struggling in the tube and saw an Eddie playing LoL. We slept soundly afterwards. I'm so tired but it was all worth it.

June 16, 2023

Woke up at around 2pm today. I'm still tired and I've just had like 6 hours of sleep from the flight back home but the sun was being so extra so I could just not get some sleep anymore. I feel like a zombie. I just played Diablo 4 the whole time I was awake. I couldn't do anything else.

[ellawelch417]

Easter Sunday

9, April 2023

today our church members 국제광림비전랜드 to celebrate Easter Sunday. We rode the shuttle bus all the way to destination in the morning. During the ride to the location, I talked about Korea comic books with my friends for the whole ride, and it didn't make the 1 hour 30 minute ride boring. When we arrived we settle our stuff and had our church services. After the sermon, I had lunch with a group of my friends, and we ate kimbap, chicken, taco salad with fruits. The weather was very nice, and the sun was shining while cold air was breezing. I got to chit chat with my friends, and other people that I haven't' seen a while. The main part of the day was the game activities prepared by my dad. We had varies kind of games like green light red light, racing, airplane race, and so much more. I realized how strong the light of the sun, and I didn't bring any sun cream or hat, so I felt like I got sunburned by the end of all games. Our church service ended around 3, and we took the shuttle bus back at 3:30, but I was very exhausted from running around too much, so I slept the entire ride back home. Still all the exhaustion makes up for how fun I had today.

#friends #Easter #food #games #church

[gotham--fc]

Sneak Peak!

As promised, the sneak peak to the Hilary sequel is here! You can read the first part here if you haven’t already!

This is the first scene, it takes place almost immediately after the first part finished, let me know what you think, I hope to have the rest of the fic finished in a few weeks

Y/N’s not allowed to play at all. She’s not even allowed to be on the ice. Not that she wants to, she can barely sit up without getting dizzy. Hilary stayed with her the first night, dutifully waking her up every two hours, sitting on the bathroom floor with her while she threw up for 30 minutes straight, got Y/N water, or food, or pain meds, or anything she needed or wanted. Y/N’s not even sure Hilary slept at all.

 Y/N’s managed to convince the staff to let her stay with the team until the end of the tournament, although that might have to do with the entire training staff still being in Beijing and wanting to monitor her concussion first hand than with Y/N’s pleading. She stays in the same hotel, and when she feels up to it she joins the team for meals. She went to one practice, but the bus ride made her nauseous and the light hurt her eyes and she spent the entire practice in the bathroom with the lights off.

 Hilary had to go back with her team, and Y/N’s sad about it. She’s really sad about it. She missed Hilary so much and they finally got to a good place and then Hilary had to leave and Y/N can’t even call her because looking at her phone makes her head hurt. She can’t even do anything to distract herself. She’s hurt, she’s miserable, and she just wants to go home.

 There’s a knock at her door. She ignores it, she doesn’t feel like getting up, and whatever they want her for is something she doesn’t feel like doing anyway. Still the knocking continues. Y/N just barely restrains herself from hitting her pillow in frustration as she gets up. She opens the door, not even bothering to open her eyes.

 “What?”

 “I have to say, this isn’t the welcome I expected.”

 Y/N’s eyes shoot open.

 “Hilary!”

 Hilary laughs and wraps Y/N up in her arms when Y/N throws herself at her. “Hi baby,” Hilary says.

 They stumble into the room together, neither letting go, and they fall onto the bed and Hilary laughs until Y/N groans and presses her fingers to her temples.

 “I’m so sorry, are you okay?” Hilary says, “Can I get you anything?”

 “No,” Y/N takes a deep breath, “I’m good.”

 “I don’t mind getting you anything, water or painkillers, a damp cloth, anything, okay?”

 “What are you doing here?” Y/N asks, changing the subject.

 “We’re playing each other tomorrow, the gold medal game,” Hilary says, “We’re staying in the same hotel again finally.”

 “Gold medal game?” Y/N asks, “But you just played Russia? No,” Y/N shakes her head, “Switzerland, right?”

 Hilary’s smile is tight.

 “I’m wrong,” Y/N huffs in frustration, “I can’t even remember what fucking game happened last.”

 “It’s okay,” Hilary’s quick to reassure, “I know you haven’t been watching, it’s okay. You don’t need to remember the games, just the game tomorrow, that’s all.”

 Y/N doesn’t respond, she just rolls over so she can rest her head on Hilary’s shoulder. Hilary’s hand comes up and gently rubs the back of Y/N’s neck.

 “I used to do this to Kess when her concussion was bad, she said it helped a lot,” Hilary whispers, “But she might have been humouring me because I was floundering trying to find something I could do to help.”

 Y/N doesn’t know what comes over her, or why, but suddenly she’s crying hard into Hilary’s shoulder. Hilary freezes.

 “I’m so sorry, I’m stupid, I shouldn’t have brought Kess up at all,” Hilary starts shifting and Y/N whines when she’s forced to lift her head, “I wasn’t thinking. You’re probably still upset with her and I don’t blame you. Damn, use your brain Hilary.”

 “It’s not that,” Y/N says, “I don’t know, I’m just so tired and I missed you so much.”

 “I missed you too,” Hilary says, “I love you more than anything. I’m sorry you’re feeling gross, I wish I could help you more.”

 “Hold me?”

 “I’ll never let you go.”

#hilary knight #hilary knight imagine #hilary knight x reader

[youmightaswell]

Die!

The Angelina of India

[NOTE: I decided to do a throwback travel story from 2008 when I spent three weeks in India, touring Goa on a scooter. Hilarity ensued.]

Aside from the fact that everywhere we went men wanted to take pictures of or with us and ask us about ourselves, a life-changing event occurred in India that made me feel like Angelina Jolie must at times.

I tell Stef that because of her idea to do this she will owe me money for at least 15 years of therapy.

I’ve traveled to many faraway places with Stef and the one thing that annoys the shit out of me is her idiosyncracies around food. For example, when we were on a small island off the coast of Venezuela, instead of ordering the common rice/beans/chicken she would terrorize unsuspecting waiters by asking for things like creme brulee and broccoli. And then look to me to convey what she wanted in Spanish. To them, I was a douchebag by association. Que buena!

So when we got to India we were in an area with rows of restaurants. Of course, Indian restaurants. We sat down and she complained saying she wants REAL Indian food. I replied, “Stef, an elephant just went walking by on its own. This is as real as it gets.” Then she insisted we go to the Italian restaurant. In INDIA! [She complained about the risotto there and was annoyed they didn’t understand what cappucino was.]

We were on the beach and she told me that when she was in Indonesia there were people who’d take you to their homes and prepare an authentic meal and teach you how to cook it. After the cooking lesson you sat down with them and ate it. Sounds fun, right?

So Stef got the brilliant idea that we could offer one of the poor women on the beach who hawked pens and did nails money to invite us to her house to cook us a dinner.

The plan seemed to work fine when Stef got the girl who did our nails on the beach to do it.

Her name is Kamla and she is 24 with 4 kids. She got married [arranged] at 15. The other women on the beach also have the same stories. Only one says she likes her husband. The rest—not so much.

So there was much to orchestrate to make this happen. First, Kamla leaves the beach daily at 6pm to take a bus to Mapusa which on scooter should be about 30 minutes. In the bus, about an hour and a half. We nixed the bus idea right quick and offered to pay to have someone take her on scooter and we’d follow on our own.

Keep in mind we were on our own rented two-dollar-per day motorbike. When I asked for a helmit they hemmed and hawed and finally gave me a football helmit—held together with duct tape. Did I mention the brakes on it worked only sometimes? And more so, Stef and I had gotten into a near-fatal motorcycle accident just a year before leaving Stef with two metal rods in her arms and me with a fucked up jaw.

 The sun began to set and we followed. And followed. And followed. Women there sit side sadle on the backs of bikes, saris flowing in the breeze. Even sitting properly and holding on for dear life I thought I was going to die.

Finally (!) we got there. But there was about to change my life. About 25 little kids ran out and surrounded us, some scared, some fascinated, so wanting to touch us. They had never seen a white person. These were poor kids from Karnaktka who came with parents to Goa for the tourist season so the families could make money to bring home during the rainy season. We were taken to Kamla’s “home”. It was a 9X9 room with a dirt floor, stone walls, rigged electricity to handle a small light and tv. No refrigerator, no running water. There was a small hot plate and just enough room for 4 people to squat on the floor. At night they slept, sans bed, all four (2 kids and parents) on the floor huddled together. Bugs crawled about. Rice was left on the floor. Dirt, bugs, squalor. Christ!

We could NOT eat here. Yet, we were.

In India I overpaid for everything. On purpose. I figured that as a good deed and holiday charity, I’d give to the poor. I offered to pay Kamla her month’s rent for the meal. She seemed pleased. My stomach did not.

As we sat on the floor tons of kids lined up at the door to get a glimpse. It was a bit overwhelming, but fascinating. There was mass chaos; Stef just sat on her Blackberry texting a friend, trying to remove herself from the situation. I had no option but to engage and so I sat teaching the mass of kids the ABC song and counting. They were really eager and smart.

When they got too loud and buzzed around us like bees, I turned up the music and got them all to dance. I’d scream “Dance Party” and show them and then everyone would start to wiggle. So fun!

Meanwhile Kamla was preparing the meal. Grinding vegetables into the dirty floor, putting rice bugs had crawled on into the pot.

I couldn’t meet Stef’s eyes. I could tell she was about to FREAK OUT!

I was glad I chose to wear pants and a shirt as opposed to a little summer dress. I knew they didn’t look kindly upon women who exposed skin and I was happy to be covered to avoid bites from malaria-ridden mosquitos.

Then she served the “chicken”. This is a word Stef and I promised to NEVER say to each other again. It was jet black and floated in a red water. This was NOT chicken. It was fiberous and had white strings in it. It was less appetizing than eating rat.

I could not put that in my mouth. Stef started chewing hers, all eyes on her and when no one was looking spit it out into her bread. Not a very good plan overall. I, instead, decided to appear selfless and feed the meat to the small boy who never gets it because the “chicken” is too expensive. He appreciated it and so did I. Not a morsel touched my lips.

I did eat the rice and couldn’t avoid eating the sauce. She made lentils with vegetables which tasted good but knowing where it all had been freaked me out. She made a salad too but we declined trying to explain that raw veggies were not good for Westerners.

Considering they had no running water and even the best running water in India was toxic, we declined drinks also when handed warm water. It was not from a bottle.

The biggest trauma of the night was after the dinner. My stomach was rumbling and it was all I could do to not throw up in their scant square. I asked to use the bathroom. What was I thinking. I was brought out in the pitch black to a gate. Out in the open it was a square area, mud and shit on the ground (HUMAN!), no hole. Two girls, no bathroom came to mind.

Basically I’d have to squat admidst other people’s shit in order to at least pee. Why had I worn pants again? I might have considered peeing had I been wearing a skirt. Better to pee on my own feet than to attempt a move of pulling down long pants, underwear and squatting in the dark trying to avoid flies, bugs and other’s shit.

She stood there with me watching. WTF?

Finally I told her I couldn’t do it.

The big problem was that I had to pee so badly and the thought of going on the scooter for a long bumpy journey was horrifying. We hightailed it out of there, very much worse for wear and tried to figure out how to get back to Candolim.

It was only then that we discovered our ghetto scooter pretty much had no headlight. So there we were, stomachs churning, my bladder about to burst, cows crossing our road paths in the dark, lost, far from anything even remotely touristy with no light.

At one point I think Stef and I were aboutready to stop and just cry.

But, we made it back, an hour later. We showered like ten times each, peed and I pretty much Purelled my whole body.

We couldn’t laugh about it yet. It was too new. Comedy is tragedy plus TIME. We needed TIME.

A few nights later we tried to tell new friends of our experience.

I still can’t say the word “chicken” without getting nauseous. Stef owes me BIG TIME! But I also owe Kamla and those kids for giving me a heartwarming experience that I will never forget. The joy these kids had in their faces, having so little else reminds me that each day is a gift. Although, the chicken, well, that is another story.

[ceydsmelayne]

Who is She.

Mom: (Self-Definition): a parent

The day the world stopped. September 11, 2001. My teacher cried, Ms. Chiffon, 2nd grade at Doctor Daniel Bright. Michael loved that we were going to the school he went to. School got out early, the bus driver was a wreck and couldn't handle us rambunctious kids. I remember getting home, disbelief and grief filled the house. Everything felt weird for a while.

My parents made some interesting friends along the way. Spring, she was really sweet. Looking back now, she was hurting and covering it up with the drugs. Every 20 something does. Michael had his cousin Kyle around. I think he and Spring were fooling around. Spring was so awesome, she played barbies with me and sister, helped us build forts too. Then one day, she was gone. I don't know what happened to her. Looking back I wish I had asked why.

They had made friends with this couple who had 4 kids. Their house was always a mess, like trashed. I was friends with Marissa, the oldest; sister was friends with Heather, the middle and the youngest was so annoying and cried all the damn time. The girls shared a room, but it was an entire open floor down stairs. We weren't really allowed to come up stairs, if we did, we got in trouble. Marissa got everything she always wanted, daddy's girl. I was always jealous of how she got her way. I wished I had a dad to be "daddy's girl". I tried with Michael, but as life with him became, I remember having the feeling that I shouldn't.

At one point we were kicked out of Grandma J's. We moved in with the friends that lived up the road, we had set up in their garage. I slept on a cot on school nights and in Marissa's bed on the weekends. Kyle was staying with us. He was fun, we called him Uncle Kyle. I remember I asked him to sleep with me; I was the kid who wanted every visitor to sleep in my bed. Why is that a thing? Kid's wanting everyone who visits in their bed? That's weird, right? Anyway, I felt him get into my bed. He laid there for a few moments and then turned over. His hand gliding up my thigh, to the opening of my shorts. His hand had started the attempt to crawl in between the fabric of my shorts and my privates. I shimmied away saying "Uncle Kyle" in humiliation and, he laughed, nervously and ashamed. He got up and went to the bathroom, obviously to finish himself off. He crawled back into my bed after. Men are sick, and drugs are bad.... mmkay. I don't know if I ever told her about that. Would she have done anything? She was messed up too.

If I remember correctly, from there, we moved to Camp Verde, a town about 30 minutes from Cottonwood. East Cripple Creek Drive. That's where the next year and half (maybe longer) take place.

#spiritualgrowth #family #journal #blog post #my life #childhood #childhood trauma #growth #mother #inner peace

[gwydionmisha]

Personal: 11/11/22

Wednesday, I did extended errands with Head and Techie Millennial.  One of the many, many things I appreciate about Head Millennial as a companion besides obvious things like high quality of conversation, is things like the following.  

So we had to change plans at the last minute to pick up Techie Millennial at their place instead of the downtown bus station, which meant we were doing our downtown errands first, then going North to pick up techie for errands up that way.  Techie's errand was time dependent and normally we would have been able to do our stuff in half an hour or so and even with the bit of commute, we'd be fine.  It was one of those days though, where everything took two to three times as long as it ought to for reasons out of our control.  Short errands that should be five minutes stretched and stretched.  I ended up having to do a lot of extra standing.  There was no close parking at forage, which burned time and spoons for me with the extra hobbling.  (Luckily there was medium parking.)  all this meant we hit rush hour on the highway going north.  Sigh.  Luckily the place Techie needed to go was open til 5:30, and we picked them up just before 5.  It was fine.

So we get to the Ethical Grocery aka the good general grocery store.  (Employee owned, excellent for workers, fair prices, Good selection.)  I was fine, mostly, pain wise.  My legs were okay, but I was tiring, since I blew my energy on things like standing in line and medium distance parking.  I could shop free.  Me to head Millennial: I'm trying to decide if I should use the electric cart.  Head Millennial, a person who knows my level of stubborn and stoic:  If you are even thinking about it, you need one.  Me:  sigh.

They were right, of course.  I had very little left by the time we got home, and miles to go before I slept.

We had a great time after they finished working, eating frozen pizza and watching what We Do in the Shadows.

...and this is why election things didn't post Wednesday.  I was exhausted.  I had other online things I needed to do.  There wasn't enough left for links to go up, only yet more link prep on breaking news.  Thursday, I was so exhausted I kept falling back asleep and didn't make it online until well after midnight.  Election results keep rolling out.  

I am sorry.

#Personal #Spoonies

[3monthsineurope]

July 30 and 31, 2022

Saturday we all slept in until 11 or so. We were all tired from the night before, and hungover, too. We had coffee and Talia made us breakfast again, which was really nice! Our plans for today was to float the Deschutes River! I had never floated a river before, so I was pretty exited! The girls all got into our bathing suits and cover ups, and headed out!

We all crammed into Kay’s truck, and met the boys at the start of the river float. It was a very organized situation! We all put on sunscreen (it was still about 100 degrees out!), paid for our tube rental, and signed waivers. We waited in line, and got on a transfer bus, with a trailer for all the tubes attached, and drove a few minutes to where we would enter the river with our tubes.

The river float took a few hours and was honestly so fun! We did have a hard time staying in a larger group (I think there was 12 or 13 of us?), but that is to be expected. We kind of broke up into smaller groups, but it was so fun! We held onto other’s tubes, hands, or feet. We had a floating cooler intertube with us, so we had a few drinks while floating. I really had a fun time! We did have a “rougher” rapids area where people could get out of the river and walk, but we all did it! I ended up being alone during this portion and got stuck in some shallow pools (like at Wild Waves, haha), but we all ended up together afterwards and survived!

Once we finished floating the river, it definitely didn’t feel 100+ degrees! Which I guess is good. We all helped deflate tubes and hung out on the river side for a bit. A few people took the cars and drove to the grocery store to get stuff for our BBQ night. Eventually we all ended up back at our Airbnb and kept the party going. David took over the grill and grilled us some hamburgers and hot dogs, and we had all the fixings and toppings in the kitchen. We played a version of the Triwizard Tournament (from Harry Potter. I think I mentioned that this whole weekend was Harry Potter themed? The Triwizard Tournament happens in book four, The Goblet of Fire, which is my favorite book of the series). Natalie and Nicole R. had designed the games and separated everyone by their Hogwarts house (there are four houses: Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Slytherin, and Ravenclaw). The Triwizard Tournament was really fun! We also took some fun videos and just enjoyed the night with drinks and food. Eventually, I went to bed in Nicole and I’s room. I know people stayed up later and continued to party, but I was tired! It was time for bed.

The next morning, all of us girls were awake around 9am. It was going to be a long journey home to Bellingham. Talia made us breakfast and we all packed up our personal items, then spent time cleaning up the Airbnb and packing it all up. It really was a fun time, celebrating Nicole and Brett! But, I’m not used to drinking and partying so much, so I was looking forward to heading home. Our first stop of the day was the last surviving Blockbuster video store, in Bend. It was really wild to remember that Blockbuster used to be everywhere, but now it was really outdated. We actually met some of the boys there, too, on their way back to Bellingham. I got a little Blockbuster onesie for Janell’s baby, Grayson, in Hawaii, and a few other things, then us girls drove to downtown Bend.

In Bend we went to a few souvenir shops. As most of you know, I love little nic-nacs. I love to collect keychains, postcards, and magnets, along with a few gifts for Mom, Dad, Haley, and Ingvar. I found a few things and even saw some art from a woman I get my yearly planner from, Katie Daisy, which was cool! After checking out a few places, we headed north. Taylor needed to get dropped off at the Redmond Municipal Airport, which was only about a half hour north. Once we dropped her off, we just continued north. We tried to nap in the back seats, and Kay’s driving didn’t seem as chaotic or scary to me, which was nice.

Eventually, we arrived back at Kay’s and Natalie’s dad’s trailer in Issaquah. We unloaded Kay’s truck into Natalie’s Ford Escape and said “hi” to Wayne, Natalie’s dad. Brett arrived with Zach and picked up Nicole to take her back to Bellingham, leaving Natalie to drive Nicole R. and I back to Bellingham. It was fun to catch up, just us three, after the fun weekend. Natalie dropped me off at home, where Ingvar was waiting for me, then drove herself and Nicole back to her place. It was a really fun bachelorette party, even though I am not very close to Nicole. I was happy to go and experience new things, like floating the river! :]

Edit: since the bachelorette and bachelor party in July, Nicole and Brett have broken up and called off the wedding. It seems to be the best choice—they didn’t seem like a great match.

[silasbug]

dream log Nr. 010

12/0/2022

Type: theme-matched | Flow: slow, real-time | Amount: 3

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i woke up thrice, then woke up an hour before my alarm with a headache. it makes me feel like i didn`t sleep and the restlesness makes me feel like my head got crushed by a mallet.. while sleeping it felt like i was actively awake- doing something or thinking really hard.

they all shared the same theme: making art. they weren`t very detailed at all because i was watching hands make things in what seemed like real/lived-time (as in- the amount of time i slept matches the amount of time the activities in the dreams would`ve taken).

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#1. i went to bed at around 1:30, i “woke up” at 3:30. i thought i hadn`t been asleep because it felt like i was thinking really hard the whole time. i was essentialy in a half-awake state while dreaming. in the dream i was working really hard on a drawing, thinking a lot about the colours, drawing lines (it looked similar to the Kris drawing from last night). when i woke up it also felt like i`d been gently scratching my arm (i sometimes wake up to having my arms outstretched in the air with me gently raking my nails down them to tickle them, it`s a lil weird because i can do it for an hour, be conscious of it, but not entirely wake up to stop it & go back to sleep properly. this felt like that.)

.

#2. when i went back to sleep a few minutes after waking, this time i was watching someone else draw. maybe through a livestream, i`m not sure. it really was just the first dream but i was looking at someone else`s hands make something much nicer than i ever could (i dont mean that in a self-derogatory way, i just don`t have those kinds of skills). i woke up again at around 5 a.m.

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#3. i think this one was a lot longer than the other two, but i genuinely don`t remember a thing besides some feelings of deep longing and a pit in my stomach, almost a hollowness in my heart. 

(Edit: I remembered the dream during work, adding this a few hours later: in the dream i had gone to see my OBGYN. i was on my way home with my mother, but for some reason we kept having troubles with the busses. we had to switch at the station, but my ticket kept disappearing. in some busses you couldn’t pay with cash because they wouldn’t have change, so i had to give them more money than needed because i couldn’t get change (a 5EU bill). eventually i got really frustrated because i kept having to pay for each individual bus (of 3 apparently) and it cost so much because of the “only card” issue. eventually at some central station i get fed up and get off. i had a conversation with an old man at some point and somewhere along the way all of the progress was reset so we had to take the bus from the beginning again. it was very frustrating and i just wanted to go home, hence the pit in my stomach and the longing i described.)

#dream log #snores #snrrrkknjakerngjkergner #my head hurts and i want to pass out for 3 days #nothing bad even happened in them this shouldve been relaxing #yay double digits!

[asp1990]

Day 2: Friday June 24rd, 2022

Breakfast: BBQ chicken with wild rice and spicy onion chutney Lunch: Charcuterie board with a glass of rose Dinner: Fish and chips

Steps: 12, 960

Woke up still on a plane – it was starting to feel like this was my life now. Sitting next to Tim, watching movies with tiny meals brought to us every few hours. I was getting over it. I slept for about 5 hours on the plane, which was nice and woke up at around halfway through the flight. I tried to watch Jungle Cruise, but was still sleepy, so dosed off again. We got woken up for food and them I sporadically napped and watched stuff on the in-flight TV for the remainder of the flight.

We finally touched down in Paris at 9.30am – 25 minutes earlier than planned – but then sat on the plane waiting to disembark for half an hour. Once off the plane, I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth and then we headed to baggage claim. Our bags weren’t there. There were about 30 people from Melbourne, Sydney and Brisbane on our flight who had all failed to collect their bags and we were all starting to get frustrated after 30 minutes of seeing the same uncollected bags rotate around on the belt. We started lining up at the baggage claim info desk when another batch of bags randomly appeared on the belt and all of our stuff was there – woohoo! Tim and I were going to catch the bus out to Paris and picked up a fellow Australian who decided to follow us, but when we got there the line to buy a ticket was about 200 people long and I was getting over waiting, so I booked us an Uber instead. It cost 56 Euro ($85) for a 55 minute trip but I was glad to just sit back and be taken to our accommodation.

Amara met us on the street outside our apartment and was glad to see us as she’d been travelling solo for the last week. She was also glad as she’d been arguing with the owner of the apartment because the apartment was in very poor form. The shower didn’t work, the slats on one of the beds were broken, the dishwasher and washing machine didn’t work and one of the floorboards was loose. Goodness me. She had tried to ask for maintenance to visit, but they had failed to do so and the owner was refusing a refund. We called again and they finally sent 2 Polish boys out to fix the bed and fiddle with the water pressure. One of them said that the shower was ‘kaput’ and ‘impossible’ to fix – those words will be the title of our review. We were trying to decide if it was worth bailing and going somewhere else, but once they were fixed, we decided to stay.

We left the apartment at around 4pm to go for a wonder. We went straight to a restaurant on Rue de Edgar and got a celebratory charcuterie board and a bottle of rose. 5 minutes in, it started bucketing down – the whole street looked very put out – and we moved inside. We caught up on Amara’s trip so far and told her about our flight.

We then ventured forth to the main part of Paris, turned right randomly and COULD SEE THE EIFFEL TOWER! What a treat! She was far away, but she was definitely there! We walked along the Seine and booked a ferry tour that showed us some of the main monuments – the Louvre, the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame and others. We had an Aperol Spritz before boarding and revelled in finally being overseas. It was beautiful weather. We sat on the roof seating and took a ridiculous amount of photos. We’ll go back to see these monuments, but it was nice to see them all in quick succession on the water. After the ferry, we walked around and found a bar to have a snack. We had some bruschetta, tortilla chips with guacamole (so french!) and a cocktail.

Afterwards, I bought some postcards from a tourist shop to send home and we went back to the apartment to change into something warmer as it had cooled down. Tim and Amara relaxed and I had a quick 20 minute nap. We headed back out and found a French restaurant two blocks away from our apartment. Tim and Amara had snails and shared duck l’orange and I had fish and chips. Everything was delish! We were all exhausted by this point and headed home to go to bed. We were all asleep by 9.45pm. What a day!