#but its still misgendering so i try my best to be read as a cis gay guy instead but yeah. idk how to do that

[spacelazarwolf]

I think maybe the example given is whats confusing/upsetting people?

I mean yes visibly gnc and trans have very different and often more dangerous experiences! I agree with all of your points and I think its something that needs to be talked about.

But I also can see why people aren't vibing with it? I had to read a few times to get it. The example kind of implies that there are no reasons that a cis-passing afab nonbinary person would want to go to a trans-friendly place besides them feeling more oppressed than they actually are. But like maybe they just want to help support those places, or be around inclusive people, or maybe they're wanting a more gnc haircut and they think that place would be good to get it (to use the haircut example). It just comes off a bit like they're saying the only valid reason to go to trans-friendly business is if you're in danger of violence? And idk like the other person said how do you know just from a photo what that person is thinking/feeling?

Though again this is something that should be discussed and people are ignoring the overall message bc their focusing on the one part which is another issue.

I know the op was frustrated and maybe the wording just isnt the best for what they actually mean, and ik that like they're talking abt a very specific type of person/situation. And also i dont think imperfect language should automatically discount a topic from conversation. Just wanted to share why I think people are getting upset, but I dont wanna like derail the post bc maybe im just overthinking it

nah i get it. i was hesitant to reblog the post at first as well, but i think they bring up a very good point about like. less visibly marginalized demographics of white trans people trying to center themselves in discussions about transphobia that they don’t have experience with. it’s hard to talk abt bc some ppl are so quick to go “and therefore fuck theyfabs they aren’t really oppressed!!!!!!!” bc that’s bullshit. but it grinds my gears every time a thin white femme presenting nonbinary person who lives in like seattle tells me i’m privileged for being a man and couldn’t possibly understand the pain of *checks notes* being misgendered and having people assume you’re a woman when you’re not. (as if that isn’t something i literally still deal with????)

#ask avishai

[dogtoling]

💚❤️✂️🥊 engel. you mightve alluded to some of this stuff in the lore comics but im bad at reading subtext and its kinda hard to find everything for just one character at a time

I'm honestly impressed that the previous ask was also engel and the same emoji wasnt picked twice! also that's completely fine i do comics once in a blue moon anyway. most of my oc lore is in random drawings to be honest

💚 - What is your OC’s gender identity and sexuality?

Contrary to popular belief he is a cis guy. People have been misgendering him and thinking he's a girl for like 10 years now. Honestly, he doesn't really care, masculinity means nothing to him and he generally enjoys fucking with gender expression. He doesn't even mind being referred to with feminine terms (he refers to himself as "girlfailure" with high frequency). But with all that, he IS still a guy; he just doesn't let people limit him based on that.

Sexuality is a whole other can of worms because he has literally no idea. He's spent most of his life (especially surface life) in some kind of limbo, confused, sheltered, all of those things, or just focused on something completely disconnected from the concepts of romance or sexuality. He's never entered a social situation or a friendship with the intent to make it into anything more, and the only times he's been in inherently intimate situations have been when they've been unexpectedly pushed onto him (which he doesn't really like). It's... not really something he's thought about. Or naturally stumbled upon. It's not like people around him aren't dabbling with relationships, but he's never considered doing one himself. Or wanted to? He doesn't know if he'd even be comfortable trying. It's not like he doesn't think some people are cute, but is that... what IS that? He's not too fussed about it but he's been a little conflicted.

❤️ - What is one of your OC’s best memories?

now he DOES actually keep good memories and cherish them. You could argue he daydreams and dwells on the past a little too much. Most of his good memories are band memories, of course, he has a TON of good memories with his friends. There's very few things that can match the euphoria of being on stage, finishing a set and just taking in the noise from the crowd. And basically cooking in the stage lights to the point of lightheadedness, but still having to be dragged off the stage because that feeling is SO special, such a special connection to all those people who felt touched by your singing, and the culmination of sitting on the floor for many months and many nights on end writing down shit that ends up as song, and then that actually going somewhere and resonating. It's SO special.

So to put it short, most of the gigs he's got to do are HIGH UP on that list. Studio sessions with the band, friendly banter, going for pizza afterwards. Fan meets. Some memories going all the way back to his teens, finishing a Turf match with his team and going out for ice cream, with him just sticking around and coming along despite having no idea what they're doing. And of course album releases. Interviews with a few kind of dodgy questions thrown in there that make him double take. Celebrating Squidmas with his friends and family and feeling like he belongs somewhere for once. Those kinds of things.

✂️ - What is one of your OC’s worst memories?

He has a bunch of bad memories. That much is pretty obvious. But we're only picking one, and I can think of one right now, so let's do that one.

Dodo leaving the band. HOLY CRAP. The moment it happened really didn't feel like a super defining event in Engel's life when it was fresh, but it was Bad. It is almost singlehandedly The Thing that derailed his life completely for the next few years. Initially he thought he wasn't serious, and once it turned out that he actually WAS serious and that he wasn't interested anymore and wouldn't be playing, it was more disappointing and upsetting for that tear in the friendship and the loss of something he felt connected them. Connected the whole team, even!

But it rapidly became apparent that it actually meant the band was just Over. Once it really set in, Engel couldn't just randomly pick up a new guitarist, because it's literally not the same thing and this was a huge change. Dodo pretty much cut him off completely, probably tired of him sending five billion messages every day asking him to reconsider, or maybe do part-time even??? And him suddenly leaving didn't only have an effect of "whoops, better get a new guitarist, then we keep going"; it was demoralizing for everyone involved. And with the synergy of a team that'd played together for several years, in tune and in sync with each other's feelings, it was jarring to just lose that in one moment.

Just over time, that short conversation has pretty much morphed into one of the worst memories he can recall just because while it didn't feel like much in the moment, he's now able to look back and actually realize how much went wrong directly shooting off from that One Thing. The band was pretty much his whole personality at that point in time and, poof, gone. AND his whole dream, and the trajectory that his life was on in that moment - which felt like the correct one. But then it was just gone.

🥊 -What do they love to do? What do they hate to do?

Engel is a very creative person. He's also very social! So his favorite things to do are generally things that have to do with those two things. Obviously, songwriting is up there as one of his top favorite things; while he does most of the lyrics by himself alone on his floor, he looks forward the most to presenting those lyrics and his ideas for the songs to others, reworking them, coming up with even better ideas together, and of course creating full songs in the end. He would be at the studio 24/7 if that was sustainable and he didn't have a job and everyone else had the same level of burning passion that he does. But outside of music, he has some creative hobbies in crafts, mostly when it comes to outfit design; making bracelets and accessories and customizing clothes he already has. Just, with him having a day job, most of his free time tends to go into being on InkTok for 6 hours straight nowadays, and then just sleeping.

Most of the things he hates to do are chores honestly. Mostly to the point that he just doesn't do them. He has zero self-control or drive to do things that don't actively excite him, most of the time. So stuff like doing dishes, or mopping, or moving things off the floor, or changing the bed or doing laundry or... anything... it's usually not happening. In fact, it feels kind of unfair putting those things in this category, given he's usually NOT doing those things until he has literally no choice. If there's no immediate reward in it? It's not happening. Come on now yeah you can do the dishes but guess what? As soon as you eat cereal again that FUCKING BOWL will be in the sink again. And guess what? His kitchen is the size of a shoebox because he has so little space in his apartment and so many things and belongings in it that every ounce of habitable desk space is taken up by some Object already. It's horrible. It's an endless spiral. It's inescapable.

thanks for the ask!

#mailbox #dodo ocs #btw his executive dysfunction is debilitating and it's relatable. it's so bad.

[wolves0nmars]

performativity theory thoughts

I hate the whole "gender performance thing" so much but also its such a hard mindset to escape. Like a couple weeks ago I had a mullet and my grandma kept misgendering me, and I felt like it was because I had longer hair. So I cut it shorter. And I still don't pass, but at least I'm doing everything in my ability to pass the best I can. But like. She still kept misgendering me. I've corrected her again and again and she misgenders me again and again. But now it doesn't feel as bad. Before I felt like it was my fault but now I feel like it's hers. I feel like I have deniability

I feel like I have this instinct to perform my gender as best as possible so if any cissy looks at me and says "how do these trnansgednerds expect people to respect their silly little pronouns" I can point to all ways I'm actually trying really, really hard to pass. Don't worry, I'm ashamed enough by this that I don't think I'll ever externalize it onto other trans people, but I still feel this way about myself.

This whole mindset is pretty easy to disprove. with FACTS and LGOIC. Because you can point to a cis man doing whatever he wants. Wearing dresses, doing drag, constantly crying, screaming, and generally being very weak and submissive like a little bitch and its like. That's still a man. He's such man. And the same could be said about a cis woman. She could cut her hair, stomp around in her combat boots and be constantly enraged with carnal desire and she is still very much a woman. And I mean obviously this same logic does not work in their favor if you consider sometimes cis people are actually. not. But it's just generally true that when you're cis you'll typically pass as your AGAB even if you aren't. Optimally porferming thine gneder.

And what's even worse is that when a man wears a dress, cis liberals are like "wow this is so brave and provocative" but if a transmasc did it... it's like... "are you even trying?" And it's the same if a cis woman got an undercut and wore combat boots versus if a transfemme did that.

But if someone says something like "are you even really trans" you can say well if I were a cis man and dressed like this would you say I'm a trans woman? And like. That's true. But also. Is it?

Cause there's a difference between identity and expression. If you're androgynous nobody will instantly tell you go transitioN!!!!! Because being trans is a lot of work. And if you're already trans and you're already putting the work in to get people to use different pronouns, sitting on 19 year waiting lists for healthcare, people will be quicker to convince you that's not necessary and you're not really trans ur just gay or something.

Part of me is reading all this shit im writing and thinking. fuck those cissies. Who cares if you aren't palatable enough to the centrists. It doesn't matter if some random person on the internet talks shit about something they know nothing about. Just do your own thing, who cares.

But the other part of me thinks, real life exists, too. And sometimes you just really really want to perform your gender the best you can to your relatives, and your coworkers, and your classmates, and your boss and that little bitch boy at the store that ma'ams you everytime you come in. or sirs you if thats more relatable to your situation.

I guess that's why the internet is just so great. Cause it's easier to find niche little spaces where everyone thinks the way you do and you don't have to explain anything to anyone. Even if occasionally you run into somebody you disagree with, it just doesn't really matter. You don't have to engage with them. But in real life, it's harder to find like-minded people who get it. And it's easier to stumble upon a confused centrist.

And I think that's part of the reason medical transition can be so good. Because your body actually looks like what you want. So it's kind of like being a cis person and having that same reassurance. When you don't pass "anatomically" you have to compensate by perfformsaijngagender whatever. But when you do, there's less to "compensate" for.

if only i could actually get it haha ha. ha.

Conclusion:

uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

#performativity theory #gender performance #trans #transgender thoughts #<3

[pansyfemme]

honestly. at this point im tempted to design my own gay man flag due to like every one out there being shitty or not exclusive to gay men but tbh. i know it wouldnt catch on and be so unrecognizable it doesnt make sense.

#its. somewhat frustrating being like the only well known sexuality with a flag that kinda fits it yknow. #i know the original rainbow repersents gay men but it also repersents the whole community #so everyone in the community can use it and theyre own. and yeah i like being recognized as my sexuality yknow #I try to be as obvious as possible abt being a mlm since im often read as a lesbian in public #its happened several several times and i try to be positive abt it bc at least they saw me as queer #but its still misgendering so i try my best to be read as a cis gay guy instead but yeah. idk how to do that #without having a double mars symbol pin or something... #YEAH. um sorry abt this. #also. I may change the drawing of Noam i #thats in my icon to the original rainbow flag #the drawings old and before i knew about the problems with the flag #but its still one of my favorites so i

[transmisogyny-explained]

Hey, i'm transmasc and i've been trying to educate myself on transmisogynism for just a week so i don't know a lot, sorry if some things i ask are evident. Hm about your last reblog, i've got questions about the word "femboy", i went through your carrd and what you already posted about that, as well as other sources but i still don't get it fully. Outside of tumblr nothing states anything about it being transmis but then i've never heard of transmisogynism before coming on tumblr so maybe that's why. Anyways, i've been identifying as such because well, i'm a feminine masc-aligned individual, the same way a masculine fem-aligned person would identify as tomboy. So first question, should i switch for tomgirl? Would that label be ok (or do you know any other, cause tbh having "girl" in a label is not very comfy)? Second question is just the origine of the word, it was created to mock cis feminine men (from what i understand), trans women have nothing to do with that, so why would it be transmis? I don't undersand that ^^' Thank you for your time, and your blog in general, it's really helpful!

Sorry for taking so long. I feel like I’m struggling with answering this ask because I want to give you a substantive answer, but much of what I have to say has already been said before. I’ll give it my best anyway, but I hope you don’t mind me referencing other posts you’ve probably already read.

1. Yes, there are of other ways to describe yourself as a feminine boy. You could use femme or GNC or lavender boy. Some people have created new gender terms altogether for describing feminine boyhood such as rosboy or feminec.

2. It was not created to mock cis feminine men. It has been historically used derisively against people who are perceived as effeminate. While this includes cis feminine men, it also includes transfems because we are also seen as effeminate, having “failed at being men.” People who are bigoted towards GNC men are very unlikely to be accepting and respectful towards trans people in general.

3. Even if the word was created specifically to mock GNC men, it would still be partially rooted in transmisogyny (though misdirected) because transmisogyny is a manifestation of patriarchy. Maleness and masculinity are seen as superior to femaleness and femininity under patriarchy, so transmisogyny is one way in which patriarchy punishes those who transgress this paradigm. The stigma against GNC men is a part of how this system reinforces itself.

4. Regardless of where the term actually originates from, it is currently used online in porn as a way to demean, fetishize, and misgender transfems, very similarly to how “tr*nny” and “sh*male” are used. That alone gives it a transmisogynistic connotation.

6. Furthermore, the way the word has been turned into a meme also shows a pattern of transmisogynistic fetishism. In particular, the characters which the word is often applied to are seen as sexually enticing (particularly by cis men) for the perceived “discordance” between a feminine appearance/expression and the possession of a penis, very similar to how “tr*ps” and “f*ta” are viewed. Again, this alone gives it a transmisogynistic connotation.

6. Obviously, Tumblr shouldn’t be the only place where you learn about transmisogyny or interact with trans women, etc. But the thing that’s kind of great about social media is that it gives us, transfems, a platform of our own, a space to talk about our experiences. And, really, that is the best way of learning about transmisogyny, just by listening to us when we talk about these sorts of things.

7. Personally, I really don’t care if you identify with the term. All I ask is that you be aware of its transmisogynistic roots.

[goosemixtapes]

ok i’ve elected to just Make The Damn Post My Damn Self because i need something to link back to when i inevitably get into arguments about this because i have run-my-mouth disorder. so. slightly-more-generally-applicable companion piece to this post:

“but how can lesbians use he/him pronouns???!?1???”

1: pronouns =/= gender.

one of the arguments i see a lot with this topic is “pronouns = gender, & saying otherwise is transphobic.” i GET this, because pronouns are important & often correlate with gender, but saying pronouns = gender is oversimplified. pronouns are a method of gender presentation - same as clothing, name, & so on & so forth. society genders all of these things, but names & clothing do not prescribe gender. a man, cis or trans, who decides to wear a dress does not become a woman because of the dress; a woman, cis or trans, with a traditionally “masculine” name (ex. bailey, taylor, cameron), does not become a man because of the name. closeted trans people, if they must use names and wear clothing correlated with their agab, are still trans & are still the gender they are.

yes, most binary-gendered people choose clothing & names that “match” their gender, but some might not! think of butch lesbians -- they are women, just deliberately gendernonconforming women. pronouns are the same way -- the majority of men use “masculine” pronouns, & the majority of women use “feminine” pronouns, but this is because pronouns are a form of gender expression/presentation.

“pronouns =/= gender” does not equate to “i can misgender whoever i want.” pronouns should always be respected.

2: nonbinary people can use whatever pronouns they want.

this follows from #1. yeah, i’d say the majority of nonbinary people use they/them pronouns. but not all nonbinary people dress totally androgynously; some present more feminine or more masculine. the same is true for pronouns. nonbinary people may use she/her or he/him pronouns as part of their presentation - think of jonathan van ness (uses primarily he/him) or rebecca sugar (uses she/her along with they/them). this isn’t even getting into neopronouns; that’s a whole different post. the point is that restricting nonbinary people to they/them pronouns really misses the point of identifying as nonbinary: it’s not a third slot in the gender binary; it’s the general state of existing outside or partially outside of it.

(note: cis people can also use whatever pronouns they want. some cis lesbians use he/him; i’ll get to he/him lesbians a few slots down, but i just want to make it clear that sometimes cis people also use pronouns to express gender nonconformity & that’s their business & the same idea!)

3: lesbians can be nonbinary.

nonbinary =/= totally genderless. sometimes, for some people, it does mean that! but not for everyone. see #2 again, on trying to make nonbinary a strictly defined third gender.

(note: this doesn’t only apply to lesbians. this honestly applies to anyone. i’m just talking about lesbians because that’s My Lane.)

lesbians in particular often have complex relationships with gender, & have for literal decades. as womanhood is to a large degree constructed in contrast to & in relation to manhood, lesbian gender has kind of taken on its own thing since we just... are never in relationships with men, ever, which muddles the whole thing up. (also, womanhood is often a generally uncomfortable and muddled thing because of, you know, misogyny, so there’s that.) thus, a lot of lesbians feel disconnected from “womanhood” as an idea.

a lot of people like to protest nonbinary lesbians by saying “but a lesbian is a GIRL who likes GIRLS!!!1!!” yes. we... we know. the thing is, though, that if any nonbinary person identifies as a lesbian, they are probably close enough to womanhood to count as a wlw! the term “lesbian” automatically brings “women who love women” to people’s minds. if a nonbinary person is uncomfortable associating with womanhood at all, literally why would they use that term. it stands to reason that the people who DO use that term feel at least a tangential connection there.

a lot of lesbians define their gender solely as “lesbian.” in my own experience, the ONLY connection i feel toward womanhood is liking girls in a gay way. the attraction i feel toward women is gay attraction - i am attracted to women who like women. i do not want to date a straight woman who sees me as a man. if i didn’t like women, i wouldn’t have this connection & would probably identify otherwise - but i do like women & as it is that’s pretty much... what my gender is. (this is why people may say their gender is “butch” or “femme” -- it’s the same idea of a gender defined by attraction & the way you relate to women!)

for some people, nonbinary does mean totally genderless. for others, it just means anything that isn’t strictly binary. hence why some lesbians may consider themselves nonbinary - not entirely woman, but woman enough to be a lesbian. an example in layman’s terms: you know how “berry” lacroix tastes like it maybe saw a berry, once, from a distance? my gender is lacroix and the flavor is woman.

4: lesbians can thus use whatever pronouns they want.

i think this one is like... a geometry proof. #2 (nonbinary people can use any pronouns) + #3 (lesbians can be nonbinary) makes this one pretty simple. while the rest of this post will be about he/him lesbians, because that’s what i see the most “discourse” about, lesbians can use she/her or they/them or he/him or it/its or xe/xem or Any Other Pronouns They Want. Any.

5: “but why would a lesbian ever want to use he/him pronouns?”

people who ask this are usually asking one of these more specific questions:

“but if you use he/him, aren’t you a man?” see #1.

“but why would lesbians want to use masculine pronouns when lesbianism is about women?” i don’t know. why do butch lesbians dress masculinely? why do they often use masculine names or nicknames? it’s about the deliberate gender nonconformity, something that has been central to lesbian communities for literal decades. pronouns are another form of presentation (see #1); using pronouns other than she/her is another form of nonconformity.

“masculine clothing and names i get -- but why pronouns? that feels a little much.” i do get this! i used to feel the same way! but the criteria for being a lesbian is like... 1) not a man 2) a woman or at least sort of connected to being a woman (see #3) (yes, this includes trans lesbians, who are not men) 3) attracted to women and not men. that’s the criteria. that’s all.

& i would like to think that some of you have the best intentions. but i would really, really caution you away from trying to disqualify people from iding as lesbians because of the pronouns they use. saying “well, clearly lesbians can wear masculine clothes and have masculine names, but the pronouns are a step too far” doesn’t make any sense -- where do you draw the line? at what point are you trying to define when someone is “too masculine to be a lesbian?” and why do you feel the need to do that?

this goes double for nonlesbians. i’ll repeat: really, honestly ask yourself why you feel the need to do that.

(note: butch lesbians aren’t the only lesbians who are gender nonconforming and they aren’t the only ones who use he/him pronouns! but i’ve found this is very common among butches, more so than other lesbians, + it’s another space where i can speak from personal experience.)

6: “wait but this feels kind of TERFy. are you saying trans men can be lesbians?”

oh no. oh god no. lesbians = not men. trans men = men. (& trans women = trans women, & TERFS can choke.)

i think there is a misconception among some trans men (especially transmedicalists) that he/him lesbians are trying to tell trans men they aren’t “real men” & thus undermining their identities. the idea is that we’re saying, “hey, look, lesbians can use whatever pronouns we want! thus, you don’t need to transition :) you can use he pronouns and still be a gay woman :)” to which the obvious response is “i’m not a woman and this is transphobic.”

but i... honestly truly have never seen a he/him lesbian say that. we aren’t the same! even if we use the same pronouns, even if we may take some of the same steps to feel gender euphoria (ex. wearing more masculine clothing, binding/going on T for afab lesbians), we are not the same! trans men = men. men cannot be lesbians. he/him lesbians = people who are not men, but have a complicated relationship to womanhood. thus:

he/him lesbians =/= trans men.

there is no correlation.

(note: i lied. there is one correlation. the correlation is friends and allies. trans men i’m on your team and i hope you’re having a good day. my right to exist is not mutually exclusive with yours; we’re fighting similar battles.)

7. “okay, i guess, but i still don’t really get it?”

that’s okay!! gender is confusing as shit (plus this was a long & slightly repetitive post, because i wanted to make sure i covered all my bases). here are some things you can do if you still don’t understand:

a) talk to more he/him lesbians! maybe my explanation doesn’t really do it for you, but someone else’s will! (if you’re interested in lesbian history, i can recommend stone butch blues, which can be downloaded as a PDF from leslie feinberg’s website. the main character’s relationship to gender isn’t quite the same as the one explained in this post -- jess has to use he/him & pass as male to stay safe -- but it’s still a good read that gets into the complexity of lesbian gender. the lesbian mc participates in butch/femme culture, gets top surgery, & later has a relationship with a trans woman -- so, basically, corroborating what i’ve said about how lesbians can do all of these things & still be lesbians.)

b) if you don’t have the time/energy/desire to talk to more he/him lesbians, that’s fine! just respect us. respect our pronouns. don’t misgender us; don’t call us men or say we aren’t lesbians. you don’t have to get it to accept us.

c) here’s a secret. if you still don’t understand, but you are no longer seeking help understanding & you’ve decided to just vibe and respect us without totally Getting It - that is totally fine. you don’t need to tell us this :) saying “hey, i don’t really get it, could you help?” is one thing. saying “hey, i still don’t get it. not asking for help, just letting you know” is uh. is like. um. okay thanks for informing me?? i guess ??

i understand that not everyone will Get It. but if you’re using my pronouns & respecting my identity, i do not need to hear that you don’t actually get it because my gender is super complicated. it is a little, er, how you say, impolite. (again - not the same as asking for help! i’m totally open to answer any questions anyone has.)

_______________________________________________________________________

source: i am a he/him lesbian.

you are allowed & politely encouraged to reblog this post.

if anyone would like to add to this post -- particularly other lesbians and/or trans women (as i’m tme and don’t want to overstep) -- feel free!

if anyone would like to ask me to elaborate on something, feel free to ask in the reblogs, replies, or in my inbox/dms!

if anyone would like to clown on this post and say some lesbophobic or transphobic bullshit without reading what i wrote, please block me, log off, & go trip over something <3

#max.txt #long post #WOOF. long post. im so sorry i have a lot to say #he/him lesbians

[olderthannetfic]

TY for your post on m/m ships, as it really gave me perspective I didn’t know I needed. I assumed or thought that the criticism of women writing (“fetishizing”) m/m came from the queer community itself. The equivalent of a bunch of girls going to a gay bar for a bachelorette party. I didn’t see the exclusionist propaganda behind that train of thought until reading your post. Thanks.

--

You are most welcome!

My experience has been that the vast, vast majority of cis gay men have no clue about m/m fanfic (which is produced overwhelmingly by women and even more overwhelmingly by AFABs, who contain a lot more than just women).

When cis gay dudes are told about it in a "girls write this stuff" kind of way, they usually respond that women deserve porn too, and isn't that nice. You do you, largely irrelevant person.

Cis gay men are the dominant force in queer media that's not self-published romance novels, indie games, and so on. While I'd never say they have a fair deal as compared to straight men, if you look at queer presses and film festival films such, it's the cis gay men who get the lion's share of the attention, content, and money. I think that's why some rando making even more niche queer content just doesn't bug them much. (On average. Obviously, no group is a monolith.)

To the extent that I've seen complaints, it's generally a few dudes whining in amazon reviews that some romance novel had men crying and not having enough casual sex. Real Men Don't Cry™ yadda yadda.

Only in places like tumblr do I see a ton of pushback from queer men... and it should surprise exactly no one that the queer men in question are often trans, very young, and are getting misgendered pretty badly in their offline lives.

I see the same kind of "I am the queerest one! Only I have a special license to ship!" behavior from nbs and bi women and gnc straight women and basically anyone else who's doing some combo of having a traumatized reaction to their offline life and pulling a Not Like The Other Girls Others. There's a dash of white knighting in the pattern and a dash of people not quite getting that they've found their people. They're not the only one anymore!

(I really cannot emphasize enough how much of this I think is a trauma response where people need to be The Only Valid Man or The Queerest or something because m/m fanfic is their thing that proves their often-contested identity, and they're still carving out a place for themselves in the world. Except then they end up trying to take that space away from others like themselves, and that's not cool.)

The older trans guys I know facepalm over this stuff and are like "Buddy, no."

I mean, there's variety in any demographic. Groups are not a monolith, yadda yadda. But fanfic "fetishizing" discourse does tend to track with being young and having your main queer community contact be online and/or with having a strong strain of radfem in your ideas about queerness and art.

--

People liken fandom (and BL/danmei pro media) to the bachelorette party thing--through cluelessness or disingenuousness--but the more relevant comparison is probably drag queens.

I really liked David Halperin's academic doorstop How to be Gay where he talks about queens "appropriating" from women (he uses the term more neutrally than we usually do) and how drag can be empowering and meaningful to gay men in its intended context yet still feel sexist, offensive, and alienating to a woman stumbling across it.

He spends a lot of time talking about literal representation vs. art that speaks to your insides instead of your outsides and why a lot of cis gay men still love things like The Golden Girls and various female icons or camp and allegorical media more than art that depicts men like themselves. Interesting stuff.

For free and online stuff, an oft-cited example is this dude, Jamie Fessenden's blog post about women writing "m/m romance" (i.e. indie selfpub romance novels like you see on Amazon, which are the US and a lot of the West's answer to BL/danmei). It's interesting to see this guy's perspective as an older cis gay man. (Well, I assume. Plenty of authors turn out to be liars, but he passes a sniff test, IMO.) I have a couple of points where I disagree with him, but I think he has some solid ideas overall, and he's putting his desire for more media of type X into practice by making said media himself.

--

Anyway, I do think the criticism often comes from "our own community" (with its many, many meanings). It's just laced with lack of historical perspective at best and ulterior motives at worst.

[i-did]

Do you think trans Neil fics are just a way for people to enforce more heteronormativity into Andriels relationship? From what I’ve seen it just seems like an excuse for writers to feminise Neil more which is really harmful to trans male stereotypes. Not to mention the smut seems like an excuse to write about penis/vagina sex. Idk if I’m overthinking this but it’s the feeling I get and I’d appreciate someone else’s perspective on it

I think the fact that the vast majority of trans representation in fics is smut is pretty telling. I also am unfortunately nosey and back when I still read smut (I rarely do these days, it just makes me feel bad these days instead, haha) I would check out the author, and they were often women, presumably or openly cis since Fandom is an overwhelmingly (but not exclusively) AFAB space.

So far all the trans men I've personally spoken to have mentioned that they can't read any trans fics and actually actively avoid them.

NSFW LANGUAGE

There is also the discussion of language and misgendering of genitals in smut fics, as well as how differently the characters (who are being written as trans) become. Trans andrew fics are dominated by smut as well as writing him as a bottom and very sexual and ... okay I genuinely can't think of another word for this besides "cockslut" so sorry about the informality of language. But they wrote him as a cockslut, and same as neil. Trans men can be tops, and often are because of bottom dysphoria, and anal is still a thing trans men can enjoy, anyone can.

We have a pretty good idea how andrew and neil act during sexual acts together since we are shown andrew jerking neil off and andrew sucking neil off in the books. So when because they're afab they suddenly act very different during sex it can be... suspicious.

Its also important to discuss language used during smut fics as well as what is included and what isn't. Often chests are mentioned, not so often with top surgery in mind, and body hair isn't. Trans men on testosterone are very aware of their body hair and how it has changed, and usually proud of it. I think even a passing remark about how one of them (pre or post op) would have chest hair or a happy trail would be good to mention, when happy trails are often mentioned in cis smut but omitted in trans smut.

Also when having sex with a trans person (yes speaking from experience) it is best to openly and honestly discuss what they are comfortable with and what language they like. Consent is always important to be discussed and when/if your partner has dysphoria that is another element to be considered and discussed. Some trans women get dysphoric about anal, some don't, some trans men keep a shirt on some don't some people keep their socks on some people like some words that others don't. Its best to assume someone doesn't have a misgendering kink! Its not that common and all kinks should be discussed beforehand anyway. Dirty talk should also be discussed, what words are good to use vs not.

A lot of the language see in ftm trans smut (because there is next to no mtf trans smut) ((not that I think it would be much better but who knows I haven't read it)) refers to the genitals with dirty language associated with women (tits, pussy, cunt, etc) but doesn't mention the trans man's erection, in fact I haven't seen any mention T-cocks/T-dicks. Its also best to assume your partner doesn't like those words and use vague terms unless otherwise stated, using general words such as hole is still hot and also not misgendering their genitals. Some people do not see this as a form of misgendering, but not everyone does and the reason people I've talked to about this (and myself) don't read these fics is because the language makes them uncomfortable so we avoid it all together. (As well as the other problems discussed).

The fact that effects of testosterone are hardly mentioned makes me feel like these fics are more so existing for the often afab non mlm consumers of smut fics who use them as porn to get off to and increase their self insertablility. I'm honestly curious about this psychologically, I know some people don't realize they're trans until moments like this, but I also know fully confident cis and sometimes het women get off to gay porn.

Regardless, obviously writing trans neil is not problematic, and same as writing trans andrew fics. But its important to note how you or the author might have changed the characters canon personalities, presentation, reactions during sex and preferences during sex. And also why there is so much emphasis on sex, when people who are trans are trans not just during sex, but also... when they're not having sex, which is most of the time like everyone else. Its also important to note which one you choose to prefer being trans and why, I know a lot of non Americans who only use the word for binder as a chest binder and not a folder assumed neil was trans until it became apparent he wasn't written with the intention of so, but I've also seen people choose to have neil be trans because they think "trans men are just hotter" and if you're not a trans man,,,, maybe. Don't say that. Because that's fetishizing trans men.

END NSFW

Whatmack wrote a good fic where neil is trans and its not just a device for smut, in fact its not about his genitals and sex at all, its about WWI and is really good but mind warnings, its called "in flanders fields" i believe.

Also I'm told I'm an overthinker a lot but honestly? My mind is blank a lot of the time lmao. And then when its not blank I'm just... thinking. I don't think I'm an over thinker regardless of what others have told me lmao, I think they just don't realize how often I'm actually just vibing. Also "overthinking" can be good. Analyzing things and what they mean can be important and questioning stuff is also important. Obviously if you're getting anxious than overthinking isn't good and its overwhelming instead, but a little overthinking is good because some times I feel we under think things and don't analyze what they could mean.

When I have a reaction to something or an instinct idea about something I try to assess why. Do I hate Kora? Why? Do I think she's arrogant and unlikable? Or am I actually being misogynistic and potentially colorist against her, and if she were a white male character would i question her personality and actions as much as I do when she's a woc, much less be annoyed by them? (I love Kora, this is just an example lol)

Also sorry I keep answering these like always 3 am my time which means for a lot of you guys its even earlier in the morning, (whats up Australia, New Zealand, Europe, the Philippines, and other awake places)

#ask #fandom psychology #fandom politics #mailob #nsft #osha violation

[skullvins]

random fuckin gender ramble scroll if ur not interested in my gender bs

aaarrrggg i hate that radfem bs has caused me to still associate butch and femme with being lesbian only terms (even though i KNOW they’re not) and thus making me associate both of them with being women, even though i KNOW theyre historically not. its so hard to unlearn???

like, the overlapping lesbian/butch/transmasc history is so hard to navigate as a funky lil enby/genderqueer because a lot of terms are either too masc or too fem for me to be comfortable with, and now that im TRYING to explore exactly how my masculinity and femininity work its so weird!!!

I’m in solidarity with queer men and queer women, both trans and cis or gnc or whatever and figuring out my personal relationships with those communities is hard!!! I relate to my cis female peers as someone who’s only started socially transitioning in recent years, I relate to their issues as someone who doesn’t pass well, I relate to transmascs in terms of wanting to be seen as more masculine, in wanting to physically transition, i relate to trans mlm in terms of sexuality, i relate to lesbians/wlw in terms of sexuality too! some of the best comfort and solidarity ive found is in amab enbies and even some transfems when it comes to comfort and gender expression. the two amab demiguys i know make me feel comfortable exploring masculinity because i feel safe around them BECAUSE they’re not cis, and like, i can be ‘one of the guys’ with them without having to be A GUY, and i relate so so so hard to gnc guys or amab enbies when it comes to presentation. i almost want to transition JUST so i can reembrace femininity in a masculine way.

i dunno, i feel this insane pressure outside of the queer community to either be as masc as possible to pass and be taken seriously, and that’s gotta be at least partially due to the way radfem bs has spread, especially here in the uk.

i wanna be read as masc, i wanna be read as fem, i wanna be incomprehensible! I wanna wear men’s shirts and t shirts and polo shirts with a skirt because i can!! because skirts are fun and cute and i enjoy wearing them. i really do wish i was amab because it would be so much easier to present the way i want to, I think, but then again, i don’t have bottom dysphoria, not really.

all this changes though, really i might just be genderfluid, but i hate the binary connotations of that too. so many enby words are stolen or defined in terms of binary gender: being bigender to most means being male or female, being genderfluid means being fluid between them, being nonbinary is being not male or female, when people equate being nonbinary to being genderless it kills me because I am not binary! but i am not genderless! my gender is here and present and part of me and part of my relation with the world around me and with other people and part of my sexuality and orientation

i dunno, this is turning into a big queer rant. this isn’t me trying to shove labels onto myself, I’m fine with rejecting them if that’s what’s needed - i don’t define my sexuality any further than queer even though hypothetically i could probably id as bi or pan or any mspec label, but I choose not to because being QUEER is my orientation. perhaps my gender as well (i do id as genderqueer as well as enby) but i want to really truly understand my gender AS queer, rather than just brush it off as queer because I cannot define it to myself or understand it. i want to understand my relation to the world around me and to other queer people.

so am I butch? am I femme? maybe it changes? is that allowed to change from day to day? my gender doesn’t FEEL like it changes but that presentation does, maybe! maybe I need to try new pronouns, but using she/her like i want to is hard when i associate it with misgendering and failing to prove myself as trans enough to cis people.

i wanna be masc with women and fem with men, but the latter is hard due to fears that come from experiences with misogyny. a lot of cis men ARE scary to me - I’m an 18 year old afab for fucks sake. i wish i could have that re-embraced femininity, but I’m not flat when i bind or build masc or tall or fuckin. anything! and hormones aren’t an option yet because a lot of my mental health is too unstable, the nhs is in shambles, and I don’t have money. i can’t embrace that yet unless im in the right circles, with the right people, and i can’t be that in society, I don’t trust it. I don’t know if I wanna dress fem and have people see me as masc or fem, i don’t know what pronouns i want them to use, i dunno man!!!

i wanna reach out to older queer people but again its hard, we’re in lockdown, i don’t live somewhere with a big queer community, i’m not a fan of bars and such and there’s not any in my town so i’d have to travel a bit, i wish i could just feel at home!!! i wanna be feminine without being female but also without being male, at least not fully male! I’m not male, i have this connection to femininity and it doesn’t feel male to me, I don’t want to be included in explicitly male or explicitly female spaces, I wanna be with everyone or no one, i dunno

again, i wish butch and femme didnt feel so gendered to me personally, and that’s not just this site but also what ive grown up with, my mum used to always say i was a wannabe ‘butch lezza’ whenever i was trying to get her to take my NONBINARY identity seriously and I’m not that! not because it’s bad to be, but because that’s just not me. I’m not a wlw, I’m not even sure on my attraction to women, or to men, or to anyone, I’m just attracted to queerness, and i dunno it’s hard. being ‘butch’ to me, somewhat, still means wlw, even though it’s not true, and i hate how radfem bs has ruined the word for me. i wish i could understand my identity in terms of being butch or femme, or whatever i am, and i wish those words weren’t tainted for me in the first place. i guess all of us are just ‘failed women’ in the eyes of society, huh.

characters who are feminine, but still explicitly male, or have some relation with masculinity, or are fluid between it, or who return to masculinity as a default give me so much euphoria just to witness. I’m in desperate need of a haircut and i don’t know whether to grow it out properly again or cut it short

either way, I’m gonna dye it purple

#purple is a queer colour #DONT rb unless you have some advice or something #then again my replies/inbox exists #dont send me shit accusing me of being some flavour of bigot im figuring out MY relationship with this shit #if someone calls me homophobic or transphobic or something over discussing my own queer identity on my OWN DAMN BLOG ill eat my fucking hat #this is all without applying the aro lens but idk how much that applies to this either #my aromanticism affects my relationships with people and how i approach them but that's more on a personal level than a GENDER kinda level #though perhaps my unique approach to relationships and my approach to gender are linked #especially with how being alloaro causes me to often prioritise different things in relationships #is that linked to gender? who knows #queer tag #illusion.txt #again dont rb unless u have a point to make #older queers PLEASE interact #older butches and femmes what is your wisdom #gender tag

[potatopossums]

Insecurity and Boundaries: A Necessary Coexistence

Content Warning:

This post includes discussions / mentions of:

bodily insecurities, explicitly including dysmorphia, dysphoria, and implicitly including but not limited to eating disorders, weight

childhood trauma including shame, humiliation, fear

coping mechanisms, both healthy and unhealthy, including anxious avoidance, projection, masking, reflection

mentioned references to all of the above through lenses of morality, cis white feminism and sexualized body positivity

adhd

—

Author's Note:

Written through the lens of adhd, anxiety, depression, queerness, transness, nonbinaryness, aromanticism, alterous attraction, and as always, questioning.

—

Ngl I've had the opportunity to date/"be with" (in whatever capacity) several quite attractive ppl, and the last couple have been great examples of something that actually kind of triggers me / turns me off.

I didn't really know what to make of it then, and I felt bad about it then too because I thought I was just being judgy. Not saying some of that isn't potentially still there, but i think i understand better now.

It honestly kind of scares me when I have the opportunity to have close relationships with people with bodily dysphoria/dysmorphia or strong insecurities. My brain has a really bad habit of being reflective when I'm feeling vulnerable. I just match people. It's a way of masking while relating to people. It's a defense mechanism. But it feels quite real in the moment and i often don't realize it's happening until it has already happened.

But as a nonbinary person who gets misgendered a lot at work, I've spent a lot of time now very acutely aware of my own body (as if i wasn't already). I don't tend to hate my body in a vacuum. I actually enjoy my body. I like how it looks in certain clothes; I like how I can trick the eye and make it look another way with other clothes, and then surprise, it's a different body underneath! I like how my body feels when i masturbate, i like how my body feels in the warm sun, i like how my body feels when i self-soothe. Even when I'm in pain, in some of those moment, i like that my body exists because I know something is happening inside me, something systematic and programmed, something beyond me that does it's evolutionary purpose, no matter how flawed. I've always had a curiosity about bodies in general (gender and sex completely aside). So when i say i love my body, i mean that.

Does it mean i don't struggle with dysphoria? Of course i struggle. And it makes me feel like shit.

Sure, I've got that Cis White Feminist Self-Loathing Intervention Voice in my head that says "all bodies are beautiful" (and she really means all women are beautiful but I'll co-opt her lines to fit my agenda). That voice is problematic because like. I like being beautiful, but why do I want to be beautiful, and what happens when I'm not beautiful? How do I guage whether I'm beautiful at any given moment? Isn't that largely subjective even with an overarching cultural & social standard? When I feel "ugly" — my cowlicks sticking up, teeth unbrushed, i feel too short, i feel i look too childish, I'm afraid my boobs are showing in a way i don't want to be seen, etc. — who's to say that someone else doesn't find some of those things attractive? So attractiveness is a poor method of confidence, despite how influential it still is on my brain and personality. That influence is fear based.

All that in mind, when I hear other people struggling with their bodies, especially in a Trans/Non-Binary/Dysphoric way, it really scares me. I mean, any bodily struggles scare me because I have my own insecurities to deal with. And when I'm in that state of really wanting to keep a connection because abandonment trauma + adhd, my vulnerable brain says that in order to impress someone, I must reflect relatably. So that has me digging back into my bodily insecurities. And I explore them as if I should be feeling them.

Let me unpack that. I'm avoidant with my anxieties. I don't talk about them, and I don't think about them much if I can help it, because when I think about them, that result can be largely painful, dramatic, and too emotionally volatile for me to handle. I always want to look put together, I want to feel secure enough to not need to ask for help, because those few times it went badly when I asked for help still stick with me (regardless of how long ago those moments were, and regardless of how many good times I've had where received actual help since). I remember the embarrassment and humiliation, the shame, the fear, the guilt. I remember wanting to make myself smaller, and how crushing that felt to do. I remember how little I understood of these wild and complex emotions, and all I knew was that I felt violated and disgusting. And I turned that inward. Because I had no external support.

So me saying that I explore my anxieties "as if I should be feeling them" is multi-pronged. It's Cis White Feminist Body Positivity, it's all those family members who modeled and normalized self-hatred for me from a young age, it's bodily dysphoria/dysmorphia at being misgendered, it's me trying to convince myself that my body truly is okay and that my negative inner voice doesn't know what it's talking about due to it's poor influences, and it's me ultimately not being able to reconcile all that on my own (or fast enough, thanks adhd) and resorting to anxious avoidance of my insecurities as if that solves them.

And then, when I hear someone I might kind of want to be intimate with start to talk about their insecurities, my brain panics. It says, "If you go in there, you will lose it. You will fall into the same hole they're in. You will have to suffer just as much for them, and for yourself. You will lose all your energy and you will start to hate yourself. They will treat your body the way they treat their body. You will be made to hate yourself."

And even though I know plenty of people with dysphoria/dysmorphia and other bodily struggles absolutely won't do those sorts of things, I also know that projection is a thing. And considering how poor I am at boundaries and how I tend to adopt unhealthy relationship dynamics due to my avoidance, I know that it would just start a bad cycle for me. Even with all the empathy and understanding in the world, I simply cannot root myself in a situation that would cause me to loathe myself.

And again, in case this wasn't clear: this is absolutely not a statement about people with bodily confidence issues as a whole. I am not trying to villainize or demonize or moralize their experiences. That is markedly the opposite of what I intend here.

But it took a long time for me to get to this point in my self-awareness. And i wanted to share it because i want other people to be able to reach an understanding of themselves too, whatever that understanding might entail. Yeah, it's a little cliche, but our projections and fears about others can have a lot to do with our fears about ourselves. It's important to be self-aware, even if that doesn't immediately solve the problem(s).

I tend to really like confident people because of this. That attraction has it's own roots in confidence issues, and its own potential flaws. And until I can change my own avoidant anxiety, I'm going to find new ways to project my avoidance and shame onto others, regardless of whether they are confident or unconfident, dysphoric or not.

But, just because I'm projecting doesn't mean that I'm unworthy of boundaries. Even if my behaviors are unhealthy, even if I do need to work to change those things (and even though I actively want to change those things), it is still healthy for me to know my limits. It's healthy to know what triggers me. It's good for me to realize these things and step back, even if the relationship I'm leaving/not starting is arguably "good." (And that assumption is a whole other topic for another post.)

So, along with whatever other epiphanies you might have received from this read, here's my major takeaway that I want to leave you with:

Your boundaries are okay. Even if they're based in anxiety, even if they're based in unhealthy coping mechanisms, even if you want to change your unhealthy behaviors/mindset. Your boundaries do not need to pass any social justice or morality tests in order to be valid. Your boundaries do not have to "make you grow." Your boundaries are not bad, even if you feel like they keep you from being the best version of yourself.

The only way you can actually grow is if you respect yourself enough to respect and enforce your boundaries. The only way you can feel comfortable and happy and healthy is if you respect your boundaries.

So please do that for yourself. Please respect your boundaries. I know it's very hard, especially for people-pleasers. I know it's hard for you avoidant types. I know it's hard for those of us who mask and reflect.

But please, just a little bit at a time, respect yourself. Even if that means disappointing or hurting others with a "no."

And please, please, please surround yourself with people who respect your boundaries and stand up for you. Of all the work I've tried to do alone, nothing compares to the effectiveness and growth I've experienced when I've been around radically affirming people — people who fought for my right to say no; people who defended my boundaries no matter what they entailed; people who stood up for my pronouns at work; people who validated my life experiences, labels, queerness, and questioning. It can be difficult to find people like that in real life, but please stay in the company of people who do that for you. Even if they're online. Stay near people who model self-respect for you. They will help you practice how to treat yourself.

—

#tw body insecurity #tw dysphoria #tw dysmorphia #tw eating disorder #adhd #masking #reflecting as a coping mechanism #trauma #relationships #alterous attraction #questioning aromantic #nonbinary #agender #queer

[byulsgrease]

wowie your post abt your coming out was a high coincidence because i just figured out/accepted the fact of me not being heterosexual recently. im honestly still debating what "label" suits me best however it just isnt straight,, ykwim. im leaning towards pansexual but ik theres no rush on what to call myself, and in fact i do think i could also just go with the whole "unlabeled" type of person, but i believe its easier for others to understand who i love or like when the time comes. which brings me to my question, how did you do it? like coming out, and i mightve missed that part bcus i lowkey speed read, but did you bring it up randomly or did family/friends technically already knew? and ik trans is way different than pansexuality, but they still deal with the whole announcement to family and others

proud of you!! figuring it out + accepting it for yourself is big :D

I feel you on your stance towards labels - even tho I fit the definition for being non-binary I generally avoid using it to describe myself if I can help it cuz I just don’t really vibe w it? so w/ other lgbtq+ people I just say transmasc(uline) instead and people usually get what I mean, but I default to non-binary when I talk to cishet people cuz the label's just easier for other people to understand. it really shouldn’t have to be like that but alas I am extremely non-confrontational and pander to other people’s comfort LOL (which I do not necessarily advise) approach is similar when I tell people I'm bi/pan, I tend to just say "if I like you I like you" and people usually understand that too

it's cool you're chill about labels though, I remember as a kid I was so hung up on finding the right label but now I'm old and very much a go with the flow type of person, so you're certainly farther along in that department than I was when I was figuring things out 🤣 I def did occupy the “I’m not straight and not cis” realm for a number of years while I was figuring things out tho

to be honest, I'm kind of the worst person to ask for coming out advice because all I really did at first was change my name on all my social media and hoped that people got my drift (some did, others needed more explaining to) and it's a decision I went back and forth on for a long time before just saying fuck it and going through with it bc I was fed up with all the energy I was expending to hide it

my closest friends knew for years before I came out publicly (they helped me try out pronouns/gave me new name suggestions/listened to my quarterly existential crises). my mom also knew for quite a while beforehand, but I mostly just told her I wasn't cis and left it at that for quite a while up until I transitioned publicly

I'm pretty masc tho and have always been, so... I seriously doubt anyone was really surprised

I'll also say that I knew I was bi long before I figured out I was trans and also dated a girl for quite a while before I transitioned so most people in my life knew I at least wasn't straight before I changed my name and all that

and yeah, I would say coming out as trans is a bit diff because it’s... more involved? like, I don't feel the need to go around and tell people i'm bi/pan because technically it's none of their business who I like/want to be in a relationship with, but gender is a more high-touch subject since people around me have to interact with me directly (and by proxy my gender identity) and also the whole... getting misgendered and asking people to respect a new name and pronouns thing. waiting for people to adapt and change how they speak/interact with you (if they even choose to 🙄) is not necessarily something that ppl coming out as not-straight have to deal with

all to say, it's quite the ride! and like you said, there's no rush :) hope you have good people around + a support system of some kind, thanks for reading my existential post in the first place 🥺

#good god sorry for the wall of text 💀 #I hope some sliver of this made logical sense/answered your question #inbox is always open for y'all :D #anon reply

[kevv]

a goodbye letter- abandoning current social media

i'm not the best at writing out my thoughts. forgive me if this feels scrambled and scraped together. my best friend, Fox, once said in abridged words; "it takes two to play out an abandonment fantasy, one to have it, and the other to follow suit".

i've known several handfuls of people who fear abandonment, or more specifically, being the one abandoned; scared that one day everyone in their life will take leave. and sometimes, like a self-fulfilling prophecy, they do. they leave in mass exodus, set into motion by one person who wants to set-forth their own abandonment fantasy– abandoning everyone else.

for me, my own fear of abandonment is not anyone abandoning me, i'm unbothered by people entering my life and leaving of their own accord; i'm scared i'll be the one to abandon everyone in my life. because i have. several times. i still do, even. i'll meet people in my lifetime that i loved harder than the universe itself, a deep love so terrifying i feel that it'll demolish cities and townships, friends and lovers and found-family. my skin will buzz and blaze alight with such an intense fear, a fear that i will ruin them and everything they are so i must run. it's unfounded, but it drives me away, and i fight tooth and nail to get to that escape route for those who won't let me leave quietly, until it ends in disaster. it's my own abandonment fantasy. i recall once, an ex-lover wanted me to stay. tried to lock the door and toss away the key, and said it hurt that i wanted an out. so i caused problems until i could break out through the window. not being allowed an option to leave made me feel like a feral, caged animal; because in the end, that's all i am. i hadn't done it on purpose. the need to escape everything had been there months prior. the events leading up to it had been fuzzy at best, sickly at worst, and i had been spoonfed misinformation. not on purpose, not in malicious intent, but still it struck genuine fear in my heart. like a feral animal, i want the option to roam. to come and go as i please. i can't be kept, i just want the trust that i'll find my way back eventually. if i feel contained, i scratch and bite until i'm released. but if you hold out your hand and wait patiently, i'll come to you. but don't ask me to stay. please don't ask me to stay. there's a lot that lead up to this current migration. the inability to be allowed to stand on my own two-feet and exist as just purely Kevin, not adjacent to someone, was a big one. still to this day i am asked about a youtuber i am no longer affiliated with by my own choice. i don't like attention, it's something i've said to her, said to many, and why i chose to never appear in her videos. which seems contradictory for an artist who posts on social media and previously did all of her older channel art. but maybe now i'm realizing that truthfully, i wanted recognition for me, not for others or for who i made myself sick in order to create content for. it's inescapable. i harbor no hard feelings anymore, i understand i was in the peak of my codependency and was willing to ruin myself for the benefit of another. to run myself broke and dry because at 19 years old i was still a child who didn't know how to handle the extent of his emotions. i want to apologize to penny. neither of us are really blameless, but we were inexperienced and young– still young. it's easy to not know what we're doing, to unintentionally take advantage of someone who was willing to burn themselves to give you warmth, or to latch onto an unfounded rumor and bare my teeth. i hope you're doing well, and i'm sorry. i'd like to give you a proper apology one day, when i'm more ready. that day is not today. sometimes i feel like there are four people living inside my brain, all with dissenting opinions and voices that i can't tell who i am anymore. i feel like i'm constantly contradicting myself because i don't know what my own thoughts are. i don't know who i am anymore. i don't know who i am anymore because i'm several different people all trying to be "kevin", all with different beliefs that go against a previous one. i prematurely deleted my twitter account for this reason, i couldn't stand a second more of being in a toxicity cycle i had previously taken part in, because sometimes that's all social media is. it's very... Online. i want to be one, unified person. whose thoughts and feelings are unadulterated by others surrounding him. additionally, there's the elephant in the room. some have already guessed it, suspected it, saw something like it coming from miles away. but for others who have known me for the past decade, it might be a surprise. someone once told me that words have power, and while at the time i disagreed, i'm starting to understand what she meant now. i've been afraid to speak it into existence, because it means it's real, and coming to terms with this unavoidable truth is a terrifying experience, one i need to face and stop running away from. 

i'm detransitioning. giving life to this phrase doesn't make me feel any better. words have power, and that power is to make me crumble and break. since as early as 4 years old, i felt as if i was born a boy who was just being raised as a girl. at 12 was when i learned about and started identifying as transgender. at 18 i legally changed my name. for a decade, i lived as a transgender man. i've mentioned this before, but i'm intersex. i have an androgen insensitivity syndrome. what this means is that androgens, male sex hormones, have no effect on me. they instantly are reconverted back into estrogen by my body. this has been a reoccurring nightmare of mine since i was 14, and having it become my reality is.. heartbreaking, to say the least, crushing a lifetime of dreams and wishes. i've tried testosterone, self-medicated in my teen years, and "officially" more recently. it has no effect on me. a friend of mine says i shouldn't give up hope until i properly see an endocrinologist about HRT, but the reality is– i know my body, and i know my condition. i don't grow body hair, and my body cannot masculinize. these are unavoidable truths. i don't need to spend hundreds of dollars to be told what i already know. HRT will not affect me; i will never be able to transition. any attempt will become a scientific study in which i'm a guinea pig. i don't want that. i will never pass for male. my voice is high, my body is undoubtably female, my face is feminine, and i'm 4'11". it's disheartening and i've shed many tears over it. for what feels like my whole life, i've longed for SRS/GRS, top surgery, a deeper voice, and a couple inches of height. i ache for body hair, masculine fat redistribution, and male pattern baldness. all the good and the bad associated with testosterone is what i so desperately yearn for with such a soul-crushing depravity. i am genuinely heartbroken. maybe it's my punishment for all the bad things i've believed in or done. it's what i'd deserve, i guess. this punishment. it is for those reasons that i feel like i can no longer find comfort in identifying as ftm, to struggle seeing myself as a man. it's crazy, i've referred to myself as male since early childhood, and now that i'm coming to terms with my intersex condition am i feeling wrong in every conceivably way of identity. truthfully, i don't even identify as anything anymore. i'm not nonbinary, cis, or i guess trans. i feel as if i just exist. i just am. you can still call me kevin. it's my name, my legal name– which i love to point out. i'm not changing it. it's the first time i made a decision purely for myself, and went through with it. i love my name. i don't think i will love anything about myself quite like my name. i chose it when i was 12, it was my first choice. i never wanted another name. i still don't. but i like nicknames, particularly kitty and K-K. you can call me those too. these have always been options available. i reiterate– i really like being called nicknames. (: you can still use male pronouns for me. i never minded being "misgendered" because, well, i never passed, and i made peace with that years and years ago. while being called she/her or otherwise will probably always leave a stale taste in my mouth, i've learned to accept the reality of what i am a long time ago. biologically female. you can still use male identifiers for me, like husband or boyfriend or whatever other male terms there are...... actually you'll have to pry those out of my cold dead hands. i will not accept being called a "girlfriend" i will literally go feral and foam at the mouth and bite your ankles until you take it back. there's comfort in these things that i'm not ready to let go of, and frankly, i don't think i'll ever feel ready to. moving forward, i don't really know what i'm going to do. right now i'm taking a break from the internet, so i can soul-search and truly find myself, in all senses of the word and every iteration that it can be built upon. i'll make a new twitter account when i'm ready to, probably. there's a lot more i want to say, to add onto this in addendum, and pour so much of myself into this until it spills out the sides and trickles down into tiny cracks. but truthfully, i don't know how to say it. i don't know its relevancy to this eulogy of an account, and quite honestly, there are still some things i can't find myself able to say. to speak into existence. to give power to those words. admitting aloud to a 6-year long love that burnt like candles catching a home on fire was intense enough (hi Charlotte it's you, it's you and it's always been you and everyone knows this). so maybe i'd rather keep some things to myself, perhaps. preferably. so i guess that's it. i've bared my heart and soul and skin and bones to whoever will read this piece of myself. it's the end to katidoj, one that's been a longtime coming. i've never been very good at staying in one place for very long. please take care, i love you. and i'll miss you. a piece of my heart left with you, here buried deep in this account. (pressing the submit button has never been so hard in my life.)

#goodbye. i hope to be a better version of myself the next time we meet.

[shy-magpie]

RQG 151

Moving the patreon names a good idea but changes to structure take up more brain space than they should. I hope they keep the reminder they moved it as a substitute, at least for a while. The rest of the structure is the same and I can feel my shoulders coming away from my ears as the theme plays. I choose to interpret that as Alex saying his players being fine is his highest priority. Borb Under the sea bed🎵. 1)its great when I barely start a thought before a player says the same thing 2) we will get our musical one way or the other 3)I know they're from an improv background but it never ceases to delight how joyfully they support each other's unexpected bits. 4) Alex seems like he gets a kick out of playing up his annoyance at the musical idea more than actually being frustrated it keeps coming up. I thought so but nice to confirm. Bless this cast, it wouldn't have been a huge deal if they let Alex's description stand but its so nice they not only corrected it, they did so without hesitation and Alex seemed to appreciate the help in getting to better phrasing rather than take it as an accusation. Not that I thought he would but feeling grateful for RQ not falling into behavior I see elsewhere. Also hearing everyone chiming in; with Bryn being the one to name check the trope instead of it being on Helen to always take the lead is nice to hear. "he was very encountered" Have I mentioned lately that I love literally everything about this show? Even when he thinks he knows exactly what the party is going to do and certainly knows what he is guiding them towards Alex checks instead of putting anyone in the position of having to derail. Cel! I wonder if cis people get anywhere near my joy in Cel having that kind of control over their body. I mean its just objectively cool even without the gender aspect so I hope they at least enjoy that much. I need cancan art. Did Alex know how delighted Lydia would be with the image of being popped out like a cork before he said it? Coo coo ca chu, thank you Ben Zolf remains 200% done and doesn't bother checking the door Ben don't! 92 HP, well that would be comforting if it wasn't Zolf. Like I don't think it's actually a death wish/that he is suicidal but well, see not checking the door. He is far too comfortable with the idea of being hurt. Alex:Chill sea dude Ben: sounds of objection Lydia: chill environment neutral dude Still love Alex's set design. A person! Bryn sounds alarmed about implications of the walk ways. Cel can shield themselves. Yes Hamid can armor himself! Also casts fly on himself & Azu. Thank you Ben/Zolf. This show does get deep into moral quandaries sometimes but unless these guys are as drugged as the Kobolds they objectively need to die. The dice love us Altruism run Darn it Alex, are you hinting they are drugged against their will? Azu feels tapping their shoulder then killing them is better even if they don't have a prayer of defending themselves. Oh I see Helen has our back and is checking for mind control before we do Kobolds 2: the guilt continues. Well yes they are surprised Bryn sounds so pleased as goes through exactly how many ways the odds are in Hamid's favor. Then he rolls 6,6,5,5 on D6s for 26 damage so no kill like over kill. Watsonian explanation: emotion is at least partially fueling Hamid's magic especially anything fire/desolation aligned, and there is no way he isn't overflowing with emotion after the last few hours. Zolf is happy to let Azu handle the last one and uses his action to ask if Cel knows what (something, the equipment in this room?) does. Cel determines its a notification board for the cell cavern. So these guys were directly aware and involved with the mistreatment of the Kobolds. I officially am dropping the last tiny part of me that cared if they were drugged/otherwise forced into the work. If they were cognisant enough to read that and still did it then its time to find Zolf's old bucket. Glad the table is having fun! I wonder what the face Alex pulled looked like.  Raw terror? The equivalent of a neon sign reading "I'm screwed"? I shouldn't have implied Alex would leave the listeners out, this is a wonderful description. Helen is more thorough than I am. There you go, time to die. Oh episode name drop. That's my Zolf, killing who needs killing doesn't mean we ignore collateral damage. And Cel just invented the departures board. Zolf: not worth destroying? Cel: If you'd enjoy it Priorities Heading towards the shore I like how Alex sounds pleased they broke his dungeon Vital info for visualizing this. Poor Azu is trying to swim while Hamid & Cel are zooming elegantly and Zolf is walking because boots or no he is ungainly. Hamid enjoying flying & Azu being adorable even under the circumstances is endearing. Correction Cel is walking Lockers & propaganda posters I can't put it in words but there is a connection being made between how little these mooks care about messing up shared spaces & the rest of the mundane evil that led to them being bucket worthy. Thank you all for the taking water breathing potions I'm not sure how I feel about Alex giving us stuff for free Oh Dear! Are the mooks heading to the village? Zolf is reassuring Never over the little touches Alex has to make the world feel more real like the water proof flares Oh Cel dear, 1)you don't know that, you don't need mourn your village while they yet may live 2)what kind of trauma have they been through? "Again"? Lydia gets a quick dig in about the party not being allowed to sleep. Cel shifts into a creature who can see. ~Break~ Nevermind just enlarge person Somewhere Babs is begging for a simple answer. I don't think we got a simple answer Hamid is reassuring Cel. Something both relateable and possibly a bad sign that "don't worry they have been spending all their time preparing to kill us, so they can't be attacking your people" is legitimately both the line Hamid took and probably the most effective possible. The others help too. I love how they openly care, reassuring Cel without telling them to repress or that they are wrong to experience the emotions in the first place. Lights and colors flashing in the water. The dice seem to be favoring Bryn today. There's a fight up ahead. They all run to the fight, Cel leaves them in the dust. Hamid flies after Cel since he couldn't catch up on foot The dice do know I promise I will appreciate the set design on relisten,  but for the love of god who is fighting who? Mooks vs who? Humans Yes! Alex hasn't quite gotten there but the cast sound convinced its Barnes & Carter. Ah is Wilde with them? Did Wilde tear his hair out worrying then send back up the second Zolf was overdue? Bleeping Carter Barnes sounds like he is having fun Carter is throwing knives at people. Odd knife & dagger are basically synonyms but not getting Sasha feels 2 vs 8 Ben points out Carter stole Sasha's gimmick Ok warming to Carter will take a minute but I already like Barnes Natural 1 on bomb throwing. Thank you Alex for not being a "death by nat 1 is funny" GM Alex keeps forgetting what a bad bum Cel is. Giblet heavy day Moving quickly past possible misgendering of Cel. Best way to handle that I think, no distracting corrections but Lydia doesn't let it stand. Thank you for being safe Hamid! Hamid protects Barnes. Love the extra extra pew. Finger guns! Alex is 3rd person level stressed Cel gets out the crossbow and punctuates their correction on pronouns. I love this podcast. I really, really, love this podcast and stuff like that shows they love their listeners back. Cel: Pronouns. Are. They. Them Helen: the dice say they/them rights Not sure if dead but 13 damage against one misgendering mook Hamid continues to shoot very well in support rather than endangering himself needlessly. Azu, spotting Carter: You! You? Accidently restarted the episode when I unpaused and now my phone is acting up, and is doing strange things when I try to fast forward to where I was. The annoyance at the above is cancelled out by hearing "Pronouns. Are. They/Them" 4 times Zolf: great seeing you again I love Barnes Alex the fandom appreciates this description Ah Zolf got Barnes into the Campbell books And they attempt to flee badly Carter finally rolls decently but not impressively Cel shoots one in the neck they're still moving Hamid mutters in draconic:  this is for the Kobolds Thank you Bryn Barnes successfully seduced <Azu> Helen I love that the trained mathematician is the one who participates in dice superstition Ben! Huh patreon names still make my brain happy. Wonder if it's something deep about community or I just got pavloved by it being before RQG & TMA for so long

#RQG spoilers #Rusty Quill Gaming #live blog thingy #RQG season 4 #RQG 151 #long post

[mytransvoice]

5/15/20

Hello again, here’s an update on my voice evaluation with the speech language pathologist I was referred to.

Before I go into details, let me just say the whole trip was disappointing for me. It might not be how everyone else interprets it, but I personally was underwhelmed and hoped for more.

Let’s start with what factually happened, and then I’ll go over my feelings on everything later.

What happened:

- I boarded a flight to LAX from SEATAC around 7 AM. We got into LAX at about 10 AM.

- I took a shuttle from LAX to their ride app (Uber and Lyft) pick-up lot and took a Lyft to the Peter Morten building at the UCLA medical plaza in Los Angeles. This is the building where my surgeon and the SLP operate.

- My appointment was at 3:30 PM, so I had a lot of time to kill. I went into the building where they asked me if I had any symptoms of COVID-19 and then took my temperature. Then I found the office I needed to go to, speech therapy on the 5th floor. 

- I went to a City Target nearby and got lunch and then I walked back to the Peter Morten building and ate it on a bench outside. Then, I walked to a botanical garden nearby and spent an hour and a half there just waiting.

- I walked back to UCLA and checked in by calling from outside the office first. 

- When it was time, I met the speech pathologist and went back into her office. She showed me a powerpoint she made about trans voices and figured out what my vocal range was by having me try my best to sing “Ooo” to keys she played on a piano app on her iPad. We briefly went over what I should be doing to practice a deeper voice.

- The session was an hour long and for the evaluation cost me $137, I got a 40% discount for paying in person.

- I went back to LAX and flew home.

Now, my feelings about everything. I’ll speak only about the voice evaluation, since it’s already obvious that navigating airports and walking around LA trying to kill time was shitty because of the current pandemic.

- I didn’t learn anything new. I’ve done extensive research about my voice and trans voices and didn’t hear any new information from the SLP.

- The SLP didn't take the time to get to know me. She didn't ask about my transition, my voice dysphoria, nothing. She basically filled out a form for my name, preferred pronouns, and then a silly question about my hobbies which has nothing to do with my voice (except gaming, which gives me a lot of dysphoria because I can't use voice chat on multiplayer games without getting misgendered).

- She told me that if I increased my T dosage, my voice would get deeper. Yes, even after being on T for 5 years. Not to mention the fact that her telling me this is medically irresponsible. I’ll just tell you guys now that experiencing a natural drop, like the “T cold” ones that every trans man experiences 3-5 months to a year after starting T, is impossible for me now. It started to become an impossibility after my first year on T and became completely out of the realm of possibility after my second year. I know this, my endocrinologist knows this, the SLP does not know this. When I expressed my skepticism, she said “you really think your voice won’t get deeper even after this long?” like it was an issue of lack of hope on my part. No, I just know it can’t happen naturally anymore. Sure, voice deepening with age is a thing for everyone, cis or trans, but I’m not waiting until I’m 60 years-old to finally sound like a 27 year-old man.

- The SLP explained to me that cis males get deeper voices during puberty if their T is higher, which corresponds to the fact that trans males who start out on lower doses of T tend to not have as dramatic voice drops as trans males who start out at a higher dose. I started out at 0.2mg but have friends who immediately started out at 0.5mg and developed deeper voices than I have now just after 3-5 months of starting T. I already knew this before she told me, but I thought I’d include it here just to educate anyone reading this.

- The SLP included a slide about vocal surgery as a means of changing voice for trans women in her powerpoint, but not one for trans men. The only slide she made as a means of changing voice for trans men was hormones. So if your voice didn’t get deeper with hormones, I guess you’re shit out of luck? The only reason I’m working with her in the first place is because I’m pursuing voice surgery. With a surgeon who works in the same building as her. I’m asking myself why she’s blatantly ignoring a possible means to change trans male voices. I feel she may have a personal bias against it, which I know sounds odd

- When I asked her how she decides how many sessions patients have with her before surgery, she told me it depends on how happy I am with my results. But she also kept pushing that I should stay in LA for 3-5 days and have two sessions every day. If it really is up to me, I don’t want any voice therapy sessions. I’m extremely unhappy especially after this evaluation. I don’t want to fly down and stay in LA during a pandemic and risk my life. Also, each hour-long therapy session costs $480 and I'm not throwing $5000+ at something that isn't working for me. This is something I’ll be calling about on Monday, I want a clear answer on what is required of me before I can get a surgery date. I’m sure there is a required amount of voice therapy sessions before we can even think about a possible surgery date, but neither the surgeon nor the SLP will be clear with me about it.

- No one told the SLP that I was paying out of pocket. She assumed she would be billing insurance. When I told her about this, she assured me that she doesn’t get my money directly so she wasn’t pushing the 3-5 day bootcamp therapy session idea to me because of that.

- She had me doing this voice (produced by lowering my larynx as if I’m about to yawn, which she agreed was the correct technique): https://clyp.it/2iuioklb that I’ve already tried practicing with for a number of months which ended up not working for me. When I expressed to her that I feel like it sounds and feels fake, like I’m just doing a “macho man” impression and that it doesn’t sound like a natural male voice, she wasn’t having it. She wouldn’t stop pushing it until I finally agreed with her that I liked how it felt and sounded (I still don’t). She wouldn’t listen to me and didn’t want to adjust her techniques to fit my concerns.

- The only thing she said that made me feel a little relieved was she pointed out that it appears that my higher range has been cut off but my lower range didn’t budge. I’ve pointed this out to friends and family before and I guess it felt good for a professional to say it to me. 

- I felt the SLP was undereducated about the subject she was tackling with me. It was clear she wasn’t open to the idea of learning from me, and that she’s never worked with a patient like me before. I’m sure I’ve been on T longer and I’m older than her previous trans masc patients. She treated me like a child, like she was the only one who knew what I wanted. 

I’m sure she has helped other trans masc patients before, enough to where they ended up not pursuing voice surgery, but she didn’t help me and I will definitely keep pursuing surgery. I’m extremely disappointed and I don’t want to work with any of UCLA’s SLPs anymore. It kind of feels like I'm trying to get a nose job done and the surgeon wants me to hire a masseuse to massage my nose several times over the course of a week in the hopes it'll just get smaller on its own. Voice therapy isn't going to work for me and I want a surgery date.

I’ll be updating again after I make a call to the voice therapy department, and the SLP herself, to let them know I’m unhappy and want a clear answer on what is required of me to get a surgery date.

Until then, stay safe and keep your head up.

#surgery

[selfiecharmedlife]

RE: Dysphoria in a Post-SRS World or Coochie Chronicles Vol 3.

            It’s been about two months since SRS and I’m generally back to fully normal functioning. I’m back in the gym, but trying to take it easy. Dialation has gotten a little less comfortable, but still bearable, as things tighten down there. As of today, I’m also approved to have sex again, although I expect that relearning how to orgasm will be a whole different adventure. Physically, things are going alright despite some ongoing discomfort and a lingering regret that I didn’t buy stock in kotex before starting this process. Emotionally though, it’s been a different story.

               About a month ago, I posted a blog here about the loneliness that set in during recovery. As I’ve been able to get back into the gym, have friends visit and even go on some dates, that has gotten better. As the loneliness has receded however, an unexpected tide of dysphoria has risen to take its place. If I wasn’t prepared for post-op depression, I certainly wasn’t ready for dysphoria to rush back into my life especially after the extreme euphoria I had following SRS. It has certainly been hitting different though and I’ve feeling a whole new flavor of bad vibes lately.

               In my field, there is a term called precarious masculinity. Because much of what comprises manhood is cultural instead of biological (like having boobs and stuff), masculinity has to be maintained through performance. In the laboratory, men who find themselves emasculated are more likely to grunt more in the gym, respond to provocations with threats, etc. The core idea is that masculinity is something you do more so than something a person just *is*. The model breaks down under a queer theory lens, but it works well enough here. I used to have a lot of anxiety around what I perceived as my own precarious femininity. When I was at my lowest in self-image, I’d worry that my sense of womanhood could be easily taken from or denied to me. I’d worry about how my urine sounded in the bathroom and whether that could out me as having a penis. I’d worry about my voice during meetings. I’d even worry about my shoe size as something that could get me clocked.

               As I became more secure with myself, and even before SRS, that felt like less of a thing. My voice is a woman’s voice and my shoe size is a woman’s shoe size because I am a woman. Even the rare moment where I get misgendered doesn’t make me sad over being stripped of my femininity so much as I get angry over the lack of acknowledgement of what feels self-evident to me (my boobs are right here! They’re small, but they are perky and sensitivity and great!!!). It’s still not a great feeling, but it’s coming from a place of security with myself instead of fear that something could be taken from me. However, that change has also impacted the way I experience dysphoria. If I was afraid that something could be taken from me before, now I’m feeling dysphoria around something more akin to impostor syndrome.

               It even took me awhile to figure out that the general bad vibes I’d been feeling were a new way dysphoria was getting to me. It’s new, terrible, and hit me very bad this past weekend while I was at Magfest. I have a complicated relationship with cosplay that I’ve talked about here before. The last time I tried to do it, I left feeling awful about my body even though my friends told me I looked great. To date, I don’t look at the photos from that event and felt sick when I last saw them. Leading up to Magfest, I thought about cosplaying but the combination of post-op depression and the reality of post-op limitations kept me from following through. The convention was full of, presumably cis, women cosplaying, having fun and connecting through their shared hobby. I felt like my stomach was turning whenever I was walking around the convention alone. In the past, I would have been bracing to be misgendered and wondering if the people around me were thinking of me as a woman. This time, I felt both secure in my womanhood and also like an impostor in that space.

               It’s not like I haven’t had a longstanding interest in cosplay. I used to read 4chan’s cosplay board and have had an interest in sewing and makeup since my childhood. However, I had to tuck that away. Letting it show would end up with my parents and friends raising eyebrows at best and calling me some colorful slurs at worst. Being around younger women that are so much better this than I am and able connect with each other through their hobby had me feeling like an alien. When I tried to explain my reaction to a friend over lunch, he tried to reassure me that I would eventually get there if I worked on developing those skills. As much as I appreciate his reassurance, the loss of time is a big part of the issue. I’m already 30 and don’t even know how to style a wig or work a sewing machine. Even if I were to really commit, I’d still be years behind and feeling like an unwelcome guest in a space. Had my childhood been different, I think I would have loved to be there with other women. Instead, I feel like an outsider and the dissonance between what I want and my reality hurts me deeply. It’s not that I don’t trust the integrity of my identity as a woman, I don’t trust my ability to connect with cis women as a woman and I so desperately want that.

               I think these feelings have come up around cosplay so often because I see it as a very femme activity that I wasn’t able to take part in when I was younger. In a lot of ways, it’s almost the perfect lighting rod for a lot of my feelings of dysphoria both before and after SRS. It’s also something I feel like I will never really get to enjoy or take part in. Now that I feel more confidence in my identity, I’ll have to work on making peace with my own history and the journey that it took to get me where I am.

[clarenecessities]

Queerquiggle/Cybunnypoop

Subtitle: This Again

It’s been around two years since the shit hit the proverbial fan, but seeing as the individual in question has since deleted & remade, some of you may not be aware of whom you’re interacting with.

Queerquiggle & queerneopets are the latest installments in a series of urls belonging to one person, hereafter referred to as the original url, cybunnypoop. Other former urls for his neoblog include (but are not limited to): gaygelatin, shewhoneopetswiththee, neobloq, and candypaintbrush.

I should tell you all off the bat that he’s a Trump supporter, a “recovering” transphobe, and extremely Islamophobic, so this post may contain some upsetting information. There are some instances of misogyny, antisemitism, homophobia, and racism, as well. Oh, and ableism. Honestly, pick an -ism.

None of the information in this post should be a repeat of my first post regarding the matter. Warning: this post is even longer.

As before, I’d be remiss if I didn’t lay out my bias: I don’t like him. He’s been downgraded from “nemesis” to “nuisance,” as he’s no longer harassing minors (as far as I’m aware), but we’re never going to be best buddies.

We’ve spoken several times, though never to any resolution, and with each interaction it became increasingly obvious that it was futile. I ultimately blocked him following repeated propositioning and an unwillingness to engage beyond casting any disagreement as bullying and telling the kids to go back to their safe spaces.

Cybunnypoop is now 25 years old, and he hasn’t started anything major in a while. His posts remain fairly unpopular, though whether that’s the result of the quarantine or simple bad content, I couldn’t say. You’re under no obligation to take my word for any of this. Though I’ve provided links and screenshots where I can, what you make of that evidence is up to you.

TRANSPHOBIA

As it so happens, Cybunnypoop has recently tried listening to another human being, and has been educated about trans issues in a way that ~100 people on the internet offering resources apparently couldn’t accomplish.

What this means is that Cybunnypoop is now IDing with various names (itself nothing new, pseudonyms are an old hat here), gender identities, and pronouns, depending on the platform. I’m sticking with he/him for this post, as those were the last requested on his neopets blog. His description says shey/shem but unfortunately I have no idea how current that is, and his about says “whatever”–so if I’m misgendering here, I apologize; it is not intentional.

I, Clare, Author of This Post, am cis. So it’s not my place to gatekeep or say whether or not he’s ““really trans””. And, as he has expressly admitted to being transphobic in the past, none of this section is really up for debate. I’m just going to provide the information, including his apologies and the redaction thereof. I don’t know that he truly understands everything he did wrong, but he’s explicitly stated he thinks transphobia is bad, so hey, maybe we can all learn something.

I’m gonna try to keep this chronological, so here we go:

A fun little addition to a post via an anonymous terf, “You are still males, you have male privilege, you KNOW NOTHING & NEEVER [sic] WILL KNOW of our goddamn struggles.“ which Cybunnypoop began with “So much agree!”

When asked about the “trans bathroom debacle,” he stated he was, “just afraid it’ll result in sacrificing handicap-accesible bathrooms.” which is only tangentially transphobic but bears addressing: Why would it ever mean that?

Cybunnypoop has something of a preoccupation with the potential negative impact equity would have upon him, and ableism is a convenient vehicle for this–lord knows this country is appalling in terms of accessibility. However, no proposed version of “trans bathroom”s leads to the dissolution of ADA-compliant spaces. Whether it’s allowing trans people to use the bathroom they identify with, or installing/redesignating gender neutral spaces, it remains an issue of improved accessibility, not diminished. A disabled trans person has as much a right to use a bathroom as an able-bodied one.

When he graduated he was questioned on his political beliefs, specifically how he could support Trump and remaining uneducated about trans issues while claiming to be an LGBT ally–and congratulated on graduating. Rather than answering the questions, or thanking them for the congrats and ignoring the rest, Cybunnypoop declared it “harassment”. This is about the standard for what he deems harassment/bullying: Anything that disagrees with him.

Reposted a quote from Dixon Diaz, the alt right guy you may remember him quoting in several citations from my last post, which read, “Liberal: a person who tells you that you’re a bigot if you’re afraid of having weird men in the ladies room, but becomes traumatized if they see “Trump 2016” written in chalk.“ [sic]

trans people bad, diversity bad, children bad & trauma fake

An ongoing problem with fetishizing trans people, dating back long before his identification as trans, and indeed, during the period in which he was a self-avowed transphobe. (Warning: link contains slur!)

This grew more pronounced as he came to understand what it means to be trans, and zeroed in on transwomen in particular. This is itself a complex issue: When is a kink flattering and when is it dehumanizing? Are immutable adjectives inappropriate to fetishize, or is it positive representation?

Again, as a cis person, it isn’t my place to say–I’m just letting y’all know what he’s said, and you can determine how you feel about it. This post isn’t a thinkpiece on my opinions.

Select quotes from The Apology:

“I was transphobic. I was resistant to that term because I felt it was a misnomer. I was more…trans-ignorant, I felt, than “transphobic.” […] I couldn’t see what I was doing because I was too busy, I felt, being attacked.”

“I had a warped view of trans people, and I was too ignorant and stubborn to acknowledge it–to see it, even.”

“[…] it’s hard not to let a jerk taint your view of a minority, especially when that jerk was your introduction to the minority.“

I’ll be honest, my problem with this apology is in how it’s structured, not in its content. It seems to convey genuine remorse, but focuses the bulk of the message on excuses, including that last point, which… isn’t relatable.

Even this I could forgive (after all, he’s new to apologies) if it had heralded a change in attitude–but nothing changed. He continued on as before, and continued to refuse discussions of other issues (which we’re getting to soon).

Which brings us to The Second Apology:

Posted some day and a half after the first, it opens with the artfully passive aggressive line, “I thought this could be over but it’s obviously going to stick around.” And it’s all downhill from there, folks!

“What do you want? What more can I say? There isn’t anything left to say. Nothing will satisfy some people.”

“I never bullied anyone like some do to me.“

“If you don’t want to believe I am different,[…] then the problem is not mine. In these cases, it is a good idea for you to stop talking about me and lying about me“

Here is a glimpse, perhaps, into what he expected. He was waiting for accolades. Commendation. He’d just apologized–and unlike earlier attempts, it was genuine! I don’t know that he anticipated forgiveness, but the outright rejection of that apology by several individuals drove him almost immediately into a bitter tirade, once again foisting the blame onto the people he had hurt or offended.

Aaaand a redaction of former apologies. Unfortunately there doesn’t seem to be a date on this one, so it may be referring to the older apologies, but its content bears addressing:

“Yeah, I apologised like a year ago […], and they refused it, so I’m done apologizing–not that I even have anything to apologise for.

“I’ll sooner die than acknowledge and apologise for their demented reconstructions of my words.“

Which, if this is about the older apologies–oops!

“I won’t deny I said some things that people found offensive, […] but they just took everything and ran apedoodie with it. It amazes me that, for all they claim to hate me, they have this obsession with everything I do and say.”

This is actually fairly emblematic of my own interactions with Cybunnypoop: Specifically, the characterization of all attention as both positive, and obsessive.

What is it about being held responsible for his actions that leads him to cry wolf? Historically, an unwillingness to debate his political beliefs. Oh, he’ll espouse Trump’s “virtues” for paragraphs and paragraphs, but anyone who criticizes him is obviously a liberal idiot who just loves to hate him, and I’ll bet they say “lame,” right? It’s these assumptions about other people that lead him so often to tilt at windmills, rather than addressing the subject at hand.

RACISM

“Obama spending $21 million to put refugees to work…why not spend that money in the inner cities to put young blacks to work… once again Obama and the Democrats have proved the black community is their who’re [sic] because we always come back to them after they screw us” a quote he posted from a Facebook page I won’t even name, because it’s literally got the N-word in it! But he’s definitely not a racist, right?

Obama being (literally) booted out of office, by a Confederate battle flag, symbol of white supremacy since the 1960s. (There’s been some suggestion it’s in the classic minstrel show style. Though he forwent the traditional depiction of red/pink lips in favor of purple, there remains the possibility that he just can’t draw caricatures).

I’m going to address this post more in the ableism section, but it’s worth noticing how often, and how readily, he uses the word c*lored unprompted. This is not the first occasion.

More lambasting of whitewashing as a concept, sarcastically proposing we paint a black person white and mutilate them to better portray Michael Jackson (whom he refers to as ‘Wacko Jacko’, an ableist and derogatory nickname) apparently under the impression that there are no other black men with vitiligo.

I think it’s important to cover this, as from Cybunnypoop’s posts suggesting we be outraged at the “yellow-washing” of Joan Watson (see my previous post) it’s clear that he has no idea what whitewashing means.

It is not literally painting POC white.

The term whitewashing is derived from cheap white paint of chalked lime, used for a long time to refer to a specific means of censorship, “to gloss over or cover up vices, crimes or scandals or to exonerate by means of a perfunctory investigation or through biased presentation of data”. Simply put, it’s revisionist history, and the methods used to maintain that illusory timeline.

It isn’t difficult to see how the term came to be applied to the representative censorship in Hollywood.

Shared a Facebook graphic, “Black people who were never slaves are fighting white people who were never Nazis over a confederate statue erected by democrats, and why, because democrats can’t stand their own history anymore and somehow it’s Trumps Fault? [sic]“

“Also, you see Blacks everywhere, but they’re still considered a minority.” (He appended some context but frankly it’s even more damning.)

The term “spirit animal” is annoying but not because it’s racist, I guess

ISLAMOPHOBIA

Cybunnypoop’s Islamophobia is tied in pretty heavily with his support of Trump, so I’ll be citing a few of those posts in this section as well.

“Ban seven countries’ worth of ideology which promotes violence against women, LGBT people, animals, and nonworshippers? Sounds good to me!”

The cognitive dissonance of a self-avowed Catholic posting this is… incredible.

“Sorry to inform you, but the terrorists who attacked New York, Boston, Orlando, our embassies, and others weren’t Hindus, Buddhists, Christians, Jews, or atheists. They were Muslims.

“It’s not Hinduism, Buddhism, Christianity, Judaism, or atheism which oppresses women, slaughters animals, kills gays, and calls for the conversion or beheading of nonbelievers. It’s Islam.

“Until the ideology evolves to be as peaceful and tolerant as it claims, it doesn’t belong in America.”

There’s a lot to unpack here. Let’s begin by refuting Trump’s claims that “the vast majority of individuals convicted of terrorism and terrorism-related offenses since 9/11 came here from outside of our country.” Plain old xenophobia, not even in the ballpark of truth. Over the past 15 years, none of the self-described Muslim terrorists committing crime have come from the countries on Trump’s ban list. Zero. The country producing the most successful attacks against the USA is the USA itself.

A basic look at the data further reveals that white supremacist, self-described Christian terrorists actually lead the rate of attack and death toll by about 2:1. Yet, bizarrely, nothing from Cybunnypoop about the ‘violence and intolerance’ of Christianity, or even white supremacy… Who saw that coming?

It speaks to Cybunnypoop’s prejudice that he would believe such a blatantly false piece of information with no investigation or critical thought whatsoever. Although, it may speak more to his unwillingness/inability to use Google. We have had some problems with that in the past. 

“Dear Liberals: [sic] You claim to protect women. You claim to protect LGBT. [sic] You claim to protect animals. You claim to protect people who don’t ascribe to the dominant faith. But you’re protecting a violently misogynistic, homophobic, intolerant ideology which still slaughters animals in the name of their god and beheads people who worship otherwise. What the *** is wrong with you?”

Man, for derailing conversations so often to complain about perfectly valid modal grammar he sure loves breaking the English language.

When asked how he could still support Trump, he replied, “Because he hasn’t actually said or done anything wrong. The only thing with which I disagree was the transgender military ban, and that has been shot down, so it’s hardly relevant.”

Particularly in conjunction with his condemnation of liberals on the basis of not like, banning Islam, this is an explicit endorsement of everything from repealing the Alternative Tax Minimum to his sexual misconduct. Everything, except the one thing that directly affects one of Cybunnypoop’s demographics, was right.

HOMOPHOBIA

“I’m not like others in the LGBT spectrum. [bolding mine]

“I hadn’t cared for gay marriage nor had I especially cared to support the cause. […] I’ll fight for the welfare of the many before I’ll fight for the wishes of the few.”

(Well, historically, no, he won’t). Even without the implication that all the gay people who want to get married are selfish, this ignores the reason behind the push for the legalization of gay marriage: The AIDS crisis. Terminally ill gay men were forcibly evicted from their homes after watching their partners die, horribly, because they couldn’t inherit the lease/property. Their partners’ remains were the custody of parents who often wouldn’t allow the survivor to attend the funeral.

Up until gay marriage was legalized on a federal level, these incidents still occurred. One Indiana woman had to pay over $300,000 in taxes upon the death of her wife, and was told by the funeral home she could not arrange for her wife’s cremation as she was an “unrelated third party,” despite having the power of attorney. This is a significant concern.

“I don’t care for "pride.” I’ve actually started to loathe the undertones of the pride movement. […] is it truly worthy of a month and a gold star? […] I think it’s losing relevancy. Can we really celebrate something that’s no longer legally unique? Can we really have pride for… wait, what is it we’re proud of, anyway? We’re legally equal now; we’re socially equal, for the most part.” [bolding mine]

I don’t know if he forgot the homophobia he’s experienced, or if it just doesn’t matter unless it happened it to him.

“The next time someone asks you why LGBT Pride marches exist or why Gay Pride Month is June tell them ‘A bisexual woman named Brenda Howard thought it should be.’“ -Tom Limoncelli

“Another thing–and the most loathsome part–about the “pride movement” concerns the very word itself. “Pride” …be proud of who you are, and be proud of not caring what others think of you. Fine. Sure. It’s fun to wildly flaunt your differences. But what’s the opposite of “pride”? “Shame.” So, if gays are to have pride, does that mean straights are to have shame?”

So why are we to be entitled to pride–why are we allowed to feel good about ourselves and they are not? […] The majority are not oppressive, and even if they wanted to be, they legally couldn’t. 

Good news guys, homophobia is dead and definitely super illegal.

“(Never mind the fact that pride is a negative, narcissistic trait and one of the Seven Deadly Sins.)” [bolding mine]

(We interrupt this post to bring you his “Antipridist Pride”)

“While it seems most of the LGB world makes their sexuality their entire identity, I leave it as just one facet of many.“ Once again, he’s not like Those Other Gays.

“ I’ll bet I pissed off a lot of gays with this post, but I don’t care, and I’m proud of not caring.“ (proceeds to describe the LGBT community as loud, angry, straight-bashing, etc. for a good paragraph or so, obviously very much caring)

That’s enough of that post, huh? Let’s move on.

“I know that a lot of the LGBT community is hypocritical–and intolerantly, angrily so. They scream about others giving them tolerance and respect while they don’t give others such basic rights.

“If there’s Black Pride, why couldn’t there be Caucasian Pride? Gay Pride, Straight Pride.“

As I broke down in my last post, Caucasian≠white, and was first misapplied by white supremacists and popularized by actual, literal Nazis. He evidently doesn’t care, and claims I “created” it. (I can assure you, I haven’t been alive since 1785).

“Is it me, or are there actually very few good gay celebrities?”

Doesn’t like the term “lesbian” because its “image is too pornified”. As I understand it this is fairly common among those who were raised in more conservative or religious families, so it’s not an issue per se; it just becomes weird in conjunction with his wanting to be called a dyke at one point (though I can’t find the post where he said that explicitly, only ones where he describes himself as such).

Said he’d expected Ted Cruz to be a “gay prostitute” because he gave off untrustworthy vibes.

MISOGYNY

As I’m sure most of you are aware, Cybunnypoop is pro-life. From certain parties, that can be motivated by misinformation rather than misogyny (though certainly the misogyny drives that misinformation). In his case? Well, actually only about 75% misogyny. The other 25% is empathizing with fetuses just until they’re born. Idk if it’s because of his parental situation or his existential dread or what, but we’re not here to psychoanalyze him; we’re here to review.

“It’s a point which I make constantly. It’s not hard to not get pregnant. You have a variety of options. There’s birth control. There’s getting your man snipped […]. And there is one absolutely fool-proof, sperm-proof way: ABSTINENCE. It’s stupidly simple, but there are self-righteous women and men out there who say–if you’ll pardon my pun–screw that. Free sex, rah rah. But if you don’t want to “risk” a baby, don’t do the do. There are plenty more things to do in life.”

Yeah, it may be “stupidly simple” for an “asexual homosexual” but other people do, in fact, get horny. “There’s birth control.” Where? You gonna pay for it? You gonna talk their “man” into getting a vasectomy? Pay for that?

I want you all to keep in mind that this is the same person who waxed poetic about his addiction to porn. And hentai. Which he downloaded in a public library, because he was just that addicted. But if someone (god forbid) “does the do,” and their birth control fails? Well, too bad. You should have been able to control your libido.

When Trump was elected he had the following to say:

“This is a time for healing.” No, this is a time for you to suck it up. You may not have wanted this result, but I and half of the country did. So, instead of bitching and moaning and trying to undo what I and half of the country have been working hard for, you need to shut the fuck up, go to school, work, or volunteer, and stop being an intolerant, selfish, hypocritical asshole.

Frankly this could go in a lot of sections but it’s using bitch pejoratively so…

Honestly there are more instances but I feel like you get the picture and this thing is already absurdly long, so we’re going to move along.

ANTI-SEMITISM

On screenshots of a neoboard discussing the origins of the ichthys symbol (the Jesus fish), Cybunnypoop added, apropos of nothing, “Hey, how about the fact that Christianity was originally illegal while Judaism was lawful, and the early Christians had to hold some Jewish mores so they wouldn’t be arrested and executed? Interesting, isn’t it…” and tagged it “two can play at that game”.

Christians weren’t being persecuted for not being Jewish; they were being persecuted for refusing to participate in state events from which the Jews were exempt via religious tradition. Christians were too new to be considered traditional, and were therefore considered in contempt of the state when they refused to, say, make a sacrifice on behalf of the Emperor. Also, we called each other brother & sister but still got married, and spoke weekly about eating a man alive, so people were kind of concerned.

Also, like, it was an explicitly socialist religion in an empire. That was never going to end well. The “mores” they had to hold were “don’t be anti-fascist” and “stop meeting in secret, we don’t know who you are and it’s freaking us out,” neither of which is explicitly Jewish and neither of which you can blame the Jews for.

Pretty minor, but in a poorly executed attempt to be inclusive, he wished everyone a happy Easter & Passover at the same time, only to be informed that Passover wouldn’t be happening for a month. So more about the assumption that Jews are lesser Christians again than any direct hostility. Perhaps better evidence of his ignorance of Jewish customs/how to hit “search” on Google.

 ABLEISM

Here there be slurs!

Alright. We’re going to begin this with a breakdown of the “lame” issue. Here’s the thing: Cybunnypoop hates it. He compares it (ceaselessly) to the r slur, which he uses liberally in his own defense.

I’m certainly not saying it isn’t a slur, or that you should use it, but to be frank, he’s wrong.

In both severity and time in which it’s been part of the English vernacular, lame is far more akin to other ableist slurs like “dumb,” “stupid,” “moron,” “idiot,”–all words which Cybunnypoop uses on the regular. The closest comparison we have to the r slur would be “cr*ppled”–which Cybunnypoop quotes on the regular.

Dumb is the closest analogue, as those middle three weren’t really popular until the American Eugenics Movement kicked in, but hey. If it bothers him so much, why say any of them?

Simply because, it only bothers him when it affects him directly and is said by his enemy.

For example, no problem whatsoever quoting Trump’s book, Cr*ppled America.

Here he calls someone ableist scum for calling him the r slur, yet here he mocks another’s offense at the term by comparing it to modern medical jargon.

Atheists and Liberals [sic] are “dumb”

“entirely okay” with the R slur

This post, which was also in the racism section, littered with fun slurs and what’s either blatant hypocrisy (see: his regular use of words like dumb/stupid) or one of the most incredible point-dodges I’ve ever seen.

Now we get into a recurring theme, with a recurring character. The problem with most of Cybunnypoop’s legitimate criticisms (e.g. lame is a slur, accessibility is bullshit) is that they’re never even googled, let alone researched, and that they come, 9 times out of 10, at the expense of another minority. Or, through sheer ignorance, one of his own.

“Trans people get [famous trans people]. Gay people get [famous gay people]. Black people get [famous black people]. Who do I get? I get Joe Swanson.”

“While everyone’s battling over how to bend backwards and make others comfortable, I’m just sitting here, cursing out the ungrateful bastards because there are places I can’t even ACCESS. […] And never mind the fact that there is no good disabled representation out there. You know who I get to look up to? Joe frickin’ Swanson. It’s so nice to be a forgotten minority. [bolding his]

Joe Swanson, for those of you who (like me) have no idea who that is, is a character on Family Guy in a wheelchair. This begs the question: Why do you need to shit on other groups and their representation to acknowledge how bad you have it?

There are dozens of famous disabled people I can name off the top of my head. Stephen Hawking, Hellen Keller, Beethoven, Lord Byron, FDR, Frida Kahlo, Sudha Chandran, John Milton–a cursory Google search reveals even more. Saying there are no famous disabled people is a shitty fucking thing to do, both because you’re erasing their accomplishments and you’re depriving other disabled people of that representation by pretending it doesn’t exist. Spreading misinformation so you can complain that everyone else is better off than you specifically is just plain cruel.

“I’m so sick and tired of society catering to race, ethnicity, sexuality, gender, but never giving a thought to people with disabilities. We don’t get a slice of the “diversity” pie.“

Catering to. … Catering to.

“Until our society can grow to acknowledge, accept, and represent the diverse world of disabilities, then we don’t have true equality and diversity.”

Like… he could have just made a post saying this. I mean, we have diversity regardless of equality, but that’s semantics. We don’t have to tear down other minorities to be heard. There’s enough “pie” for everyone.

Society: You should accept everyone regardless of sex, culture, gender, sexuality, race, class, ethnicity, economic status Person: What about disabled people? Society: Huh?

I’m not a big fan of his little infographics, primarily because he uses them exclusively as a platform to strawman himself, but this one in particular is uh, frustrating. If he’s speaking about popular society, very few people accept all the groups he listed, particularly class/economic status. If he’s speaking about our country….

Federal protected classes include: Race, color, religion/creed, national origin/ancestry, sex, age, physical or mental disability, veteran status, genetic information, citizenship. 

It’s the same story.

WHAT YOU CAN DO:

BLOCK HIM. Do not reblog his content. Stop him preemptively from reblogging yours. Do not engage with him. 

If you try to debate him, he will probably call you a bully, and you will probably get some not-so-mysterious anons. You will definitely be unable to reach a resolution. I know of at least one individual who’s attempting to “rehabilitate” him, so I guess we’ll see how that goes? I’d be genuinely delighted.

Reblog this post if you can, to spread the word.

Educate yourself about the issues addressed in this post. If you have questions, my inbox is always open.

I am not infallible, and I will also make mistakes. Please bring these to my attention immediately and they will be addressed.

This is a much less urgent situation than the previous post, as he’s (mostly) stopped harassing people, but you have a right to be aware of whom you’re interacting with. Whether you block him or befriend him or whatever is up to you, and I hope whatever choice you make is the right choice for you.

#neotag #cybunnypoop #not mentioned: art theft so that's cool #q slur