#but its hard for me to believe that emilie did nothing to stop that while being a good person and parent

[ralvezfanatic]

Not-so-secret Valentines

Spencer Reid x Luke Alvez

Spencer gets a secret valentines gift and can't exactly figure out who it's from. Luke helps him figure it out.

Prompt: "if you’re still wondering who left those flowers at your desk, i think i’m ready to put your mind at ease.” || Taken from @scealaiscoite prompt list | Changed a bit but was inspired by the prompt.

Also available on AO3

A/N: I keep seeing these prompt lists and decided to finally use one, ofc with Ralvez because I love them so much. Also.. this was supposed to be a short blurb id how its almost 3k 😭

Word Count: 2.7k

Spencer got into work early like usual, with only Emily and Garcia, except this time he walked in alone. Luke was running late. Supposedly, his alarm didn't go off and he didn't wake up on time, so he was behind schedule.

Although Spencer didn't completely believe it, he also didn't think Luke would lie to him. There wasn't any reason to lie, they were honest and open to each other.

It just felt hard to believe Luke would sleep in late when he wakes up early to go on a run before work, but mistakes happen Spencer told himself.

“Boy Wonder!!! Hellooo! Do you like the decorations? I put them in myself, came in extra early to set it up!” Garcia greeted him happily, walking up to him.

Spencer looked around the office quickly and nodded, it was decorated with hearts, streamers and all Valentine decorations Garcia could find. It looked nice, but just reminded Spencer how single he was.

“Yeah, it looks nice Garcia. Really nice.” He nodded again, pressing his lips together to form his slightly awkward smile.

“Where's Newbie?” She asked when she noticed the lack of the other agent. They've been arriving at work together for a while now, and they're always hanging out together, so seeing them alone feels odd to the team sometimes.

“He was running late and told me to go because he didn't want me to be late either.” He looked to the side as he spoke, checking out the desk which all seemed to have something on them.

Garcia looked at him for a moment, and it was obvious that she was thinking of something but decided to leave it be. “Alright then. It's a bit rude that he'd make you come alone on Valentine's Day but whatever.. he'll be hearing from me.” She said, muttering the last part as she left.

Spencer furrowed his eyebrows, confused by her comment. He didn't see why'd it be a big deal. They were friends, Luke had no obligation to be with him On Valentine's Day. He has spent almost every single Valentine's Day alone, so what did it matter.

He didn't mind, not at all. It was just a silly holiday for business to make money off.. at least that's what Spencer told himself every year. In reality, he wished he had someone to spend it with. Just once at least.

Actually, he wants to spend it with Luke.. but that's just because they're good friends. Since Luke joined, they both have been wanting to spend time with each other.

So it makes sense that he wants to spend Valentine's Day with Luke. Friends could do that right? Of course they can, people do it all the time.

Maybe not to the extent Spencer wants to..

He wants to cuddle with Luke, be held and kissed by him.

But that's not going to happen, so Spencer just heads to his desk. He's met with a small heart shaped box with a hand written note from Garcia.

“Happy Valentine's Day Boy Wonder! - Garcia :)”

Spencer smiles at the note and puts it down before opening it to find a bunch of his favorite sweet treats. He makes a mental note to go out to buy her chocolates as a thank you, then carefully puts the note to the side and the box on top of it so it doesn't accidentally fly away.

He then starts to work on some files, trying to make the day pass so he can go home and eat some takeout. Alone. On his couch. Doing nothing. Being single. Again, for what he feels is the hundredth time.

Luke finally arrives to work, being the last to get in. He walks down the desks, passing Spencer and stopping to greet him.

“Morning Spence. Sorry about this morning, I have no idea what happened with my alarm.” He apologized as he stood by Spencer's desk.

“Oh yeah no problem, things happen. It's fine.” Spencer assured him, smiling up at him.

“I'll be sure to fix my phone though, don't worry” Luke added on.

He was about to say something else when he noticed the heart shaped box on Spencer's desk, his usual grin faltering slightly.

He wondered who gave him a gift. He didn't think it could be from the team. So was it someone from another unit? Did Spencer know them? Did he like them too? Did he have a partner he wasn't aware of?

Luke tried to calm down and looked away from the box and back at Spencer, who didn't seem to catch Luke's over-thinking.

“Uh, I'll talk to you later. I should probably get to work now.” Luke smiled before heading to his desk.

The rest of the work day was as normal. They fortunately didn't get called to a case, so everyone (who had plans) were happy.

Luke had a gift he really wanted to give, but he didn't have a moment to do so. Spencer never got up for long, his coffee cup had been refilled by some kind coworker, and for some reason, Spencer hadn't finished it yet.

Luke was annoyed, wishing the team wasn't so kind and let Spencer get up to get coffee himself. (He says this but he has refilled and even bought coffee on multiple occasions).

After what seems like forever, Spencer finally got up. Luke subtly watched him walk down the office and head to the bathroom. He practically jumped up as soon as Spencer entered the bathroom and took his bag.

He grabbed a small box from Spencer's favorite donut place, and another box of chocolates and a card, quickly heading over to place them on Spencer's desk.

They looked so much better than that small heart shaped box, he thought to himself.

He didn't really care who saw him, he was sure the team knew about his crush on the doctor.

He smiled, wondering how Spencer would react to the random gifts. He wondered if he'd figured it out it was from him. He hoped Spencer liked it, even if he didn't figure out it was from him.

Luke headed to his desk, sitting down right on time as Spencer exited the bathroom.

Luke pretended to work, typing at his computer and looking at a case file trying to seem distracted.

Spencer approached his desk and his eyebrows furrowed as he noticed the gifts. He looked around the bullpen, searching for who did this, or someone who seemed like they knew something. He looked over at Luke, but he seemed busy in his work, just like everyone was.

He sat down cautiously and checked the items on his desk.

He first took the card, the front being a small cup of coffee with the words “Words cannot espresso how much I like you.” He let out a quiet laugh, finding the joke amusing. He opened it to read “Happy Valentine's” with a small hand written addition and a heart.

As he read the note, his eyebrows furrowed again and he looked up to scan the bullpen once more.

Luke had been watching Spencer since he sat down, waiting for his reaction. He smiled when he saw him laugh as he read the card, glad that he liked his choice, even as cheesy as it was.

He watched him look around the office again, and he quickly looked back at his case file, hoping Spencer didn't notice him. He wanted to keep it a little secret for a while, just to mess with the genius.

He looked up again and saw Spencer move onto checking the donuts, and he felt his heart melt as Spencer's face lit up. Luke had bought his favorite donuts in heart shapes and wrote a small note on the inside of the box. “I donut know how to tell you that I love you.” with a nervous donut doodle on it. Or maybe sad? Scared? It wasn't a very good doodle..

Spencer felt his cheeks go hot and he closed the box quickly, (after taking out a donut).

He decided to check the chocolates at his house, not being able to handle any more cheesy comments.

All day Spencer kept wondering who gave him the gifts. He asked around, but got no answers, and as much as a genius he was, he was dumb too

He had a small idea who it could be, but he didn't want to get his hopes up. Spencer tried to think of everyone he knew and would get him all these items. He made a list and removed people one by one, until only Luke was left. Then he'd remake that list, thinking he was just being delusional.

Finally, around noon, he gave up. Even though he kept asking his friends about it, they would give him no response. Not even Garcia knew, and he was sure she would have helped more.

The bullpen was mostly empty, everyone seemed to have decided to go out for lunch, leaving only Spencer and Luke at their desk, Emily and Garcia in their offices.

Spencer looked at the boxes on his desk, trying to figure out this mysterious Valentines. How could he solve crimes and find serial killers, but he couldn't find the person who liked him?

Well, he had figured it out ages ago, but he just didn't think it was possible.

Spencer let out a sigh and stood up, going over to the coffee machine to refill his empty mug. He poured in some coffee, then added about half the container of sugar and stirred it.

“So.. still trying to figure out the mystery of the treats?” Luke asked as he approached Spencer with his own empty mug.

“Um.. yeah. I can't think of anyone who would get me all this, and write these little notes. I mean I barely talk to anyone! Like not to seem sad but you guys are my only friends. Other than the nice barista at that coffee shop and the people at the bookstore near my house, I don't have many non-work friends.” Spencer frowned, taking a sip of his coffee to taste it.

Needed more sugar.

Luke felt a bit saddened by Spencer's response, but kept his face the same. He grabbed the pot and poured himself some coffee, adding a normal amount of sugar unlike the tall genius.

“Could it have been the same person who gave you that other box?” He suggested with a small shrug

“The heart shaped one? No, definitely not! Garcia would have given it to me directly, and she wouldn't have denied giving it to me anyway.” Spencer shook his head, oblivious to his friends' jealousy.

Oh.

Luke felt a bit stupid now.

He should have known Garcia would give Spencer a Valentine's gift. They were best friends, why wouldn't she?

He took a quick glance at the other desks, seeing similar boxes on their desks.

She got them for everyone except him.

Ouch?

Luke turned back to Spencer who was adding in more sugar to his coffee.

“Well, I could tell you who it was.” Luke said, taking a sip of his coffee.

Spencer looked at him, his eyebrows raised slightly as he stopped stirring. “You could?”

“I could.” Luke nodded as he set his mug down.

“How would you know? Nobody else knew anything, why would you know?”

“Because it was me.” Luke replied, looking up at him, waiting for a reaction.

Spencer stared at him for a second, unable to believe what he just heard. His face was flushed and he couldn't come up with a response.

“What? You? You like me? Since when? Why?” Spencer spat out, flustered at the small confession.

Luke let out a small chuckle and nodded, finding Spencer's reaction adorable.

“Yes, me. I gave you all that, cheesy puns and all..” Luke sheepishly smiled as he remembered the notes he wrote.

“But why?”

“Because I love you. Since the day we met, I've liked you. I mean, I thought you were drop dead gorgeous the first time I saw you, but after getting to know you more? Hearing you talk so passionately about things, your intelligence, your kindness, everything about you. I fell in love.. and I fall deeper everyday I’m with you.” Luke confessed, his voice genuine and soft as he looked into Spencer's eyes.

Spencer was a complete flustered mess, his brain was useless. He couldn't come up with a response, his face only flushing a brighter red.

“Was that too much? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to drop all that on you at once.” Luke apologized, noticing Spencer's silence, feeling bad for his sudden confession.

“No! No it's okay. A bit much to take in but.. give me a second.” Spencer shook his head, trying to clear his mind, and assured Luke that he was alright.

“I love you too.. You've always let me ramble on about useless information, and you even ask me about it. You look genuinely interested in what I have to say too. And you're just so kind to me. You don't think I'm weird, even when I clearly am. And you're really hot too.. Like you're hot and super nice to me! Like honestly, how could I not like you?”

Now it was Luke's turn to blush. He felt his heart melt at Spencer's own confession, but chuckled at the last part. He looked down and shook his head before looking back up at Spencer with a grin.

“You think I'm hot?” Luke asked, a smirk on his face, stepping closer to him.

“Yeah, a bit.” Spencer smiled, leaning towards Luke slightly.

“You're not that bad either.” Luke whispered, leaning in and holding Spencer’s cheek.

He looked into his eyes, silently asking for permission before going further. Spencer nodded softly, his eyes shining with love for the other man.

Luke leaned in and pressed a kiss against Spencer, who quickly melted into the kiss.

Garcia, who decided to go question Luke about this morning and see if he deserved the small box of treats she got him or not, was found with the cutest sight at the coffee machine.

She let out a squeal and dropped the box from excitement, which scared the agents and made them pull away immediately.

“Oh my gosh!! You finally confessed to him? Here I was, going to question you about this morning, but this makes up for it even better! Oh I dropped your box, but honestly that is on you guys because how could you kiss in the office and not expect me to squeal when I see?” Garcia rambled on, bending down to grab the box and rushing over to the new couple.

“Garcia-” Spencer started, but was quickly interrupted by her continuing on.

“Oh newbie I was so mad at you for ditching our boy wonder here this morning! I took back my gift too, like how could you leave him alone on Valentine's? You didn't deserve my gift!” Garcia handed Luke the slightly dented box of candy as she spoke.

Luke looked at her and then the box, and listened to her. “Thank you..” He nodded before looking at Spencer and back at her.

“I had to leave him because I wanted to get something for him as a surprise.” Luke said, feeling a need to explain himself after Garcia's rambling.

“And I think it was worth it.. I hope?” He laughed as he looked at Spencer for his approval.

“Oh yeah definitely. I didn't mind taking the train after getting those donuts.” Spencer joked, knowing that's not exactly what Luke had meant.

“See, it was worth it to Spencer, and that's what matters.” Luke smiled, going along with him.

“Ohh, you guys are so cute already.. the rest of the team is gonna hate that they missed this! Oh I should text them” Garcia smiled excitedly as she got her phone out.

Luke laughed at her eagerness, while Spencer just seemed a bit lost now, but neither did any attempt to stop her as she walked off, texting the team.

“Happy Valentine's Day cariño..” Luke smiled softly, turning to Spencer.

“Happy Valentine's Day.” He replied, leaning in to press another quick kiss to his date (and soon to be boyfriend).

#luke alvez #spencer reid #criminal minds #ralvez #ralvez fic #spencer reid x luke alvez #fluff #valentines day #valentines fic #criminal minds fic #criminal minds fluff

[mamawolfblood]

The Law can't fix everything part 1

Name- Iris Cassandra Rossi

Age- 21

Looks- olive skin, blue eyes, soft and gentle features in the face, sholder length black hair that is held in a ponytail. 5ft9,140lb.

Outfit normally seen in pressed blue jeans, grey blouse, black flats, a gold locket with her mother's picture, peral earings.

Personality can be spit fire when pushed, generally a gentle loving person, quick witted and resourceful.

Iris is the daughter of David Rossi though he didn't know about her. Grew up in poverty Iris held on to hope she would dig herself out. Worked hard everyday and landed a job at the FBI. She has a bit of a chip on her shoulder for David Rossi. She blames him for not being there for her growing up. She feels if he was she wouldn't have suffered being Raped, molested, starved at times.

Chapter 1

It was my first day on the job and I have to face him. The man that helped create me David Rossi my father. The air was still and became harder to breathe stepping onto the elevator. I pressed the button and assented to meet the team. Aaron Hotchner stood by the door waiting for me. "Miss Iris Rossi I am Aaron Hotchner. We spoke on the phone." He said holding his hand out to me. I take in smile at him while shaking his hand. "Its an honor to meet you sir." I spoke before being lead threw the glass door and to a room with a round table. There sat the team I was assigned to. I felt all there eyes on me sizing me up like meat. "Everyone this is Special agent Iris Cassandra Rossi." He said before looking to me. "Iris this is the team Emily Prentiss, David Rossi, Dr.Spencer Reid ,Penelope Garcia,Derek Morgan,Jennifer Jareau, and Elle Greenaway. I hope you are ready Miss Rossi because wheels up in twenty. David will brief you on the way." He said leaving the room as everyone left behind he except my so called father. "Hell of a name you got their Iris. I did some digging on you. I knew your mother I promise you I didn't know about or I would have been in your life sooner." I glare at him "No need for niceties then. I called you when my mother was in a hospital bed dying! I call in hopes that you could save her! I was ten years old David! I was placed in the system raped, molested, had the living hell beat out of me. " I said tearing up he just stairs at me. "Iris I never received a phone call from you." He said confused. "I didn't think you would ask you pretty little wife." I said before shaking my head. "Come on we have a job to do." I said turning to walk away only to be stopped by his hand on my shoulder. I turn and looked at him he looked remorseful. "Iris nothing I can say will make what happened right. I truly am sorry for it all let's go kid." He said walking past me. How is he walking away making me feel like the ass whole. Why am I the ass whole?

I quickly get caught up apparently in Baltimore there have been a string of kidnappings of children. I looked at the photos and recognized the insignia of asmodeus. "That sick son of bitch is here." I said not meaning it to be out loud. "What do you mean by that? We don't even have an unsub profile made." Reid said looking at me so do the other's. I sigh before standing up unbutton my blouse taking it off. There on my back in the same spot was the insignia. They all gasp blown away by this. "He went from bran and dump to brand then kill. Those poor babies I want this sick bastard found. I want to bing him in." I said whipping away my tears. "You believe this is the same person that raped you as a child?" Hotchner asked my father takes a drink before clearing his throat. "I hope one of them get to him before I do." David Rossi said shaking. "If he has other victims with a similar MO only instead of letting them go he kills them. Why chang it up it makes no sense." Emily said thinking. "What part of fucking a child makes sense." I said sitting down in the chair. "What we know it this is one sick individual and needs to be stopped. You know what to do Iris I hate to ask this but ,do you remember what this unsub did to you?" Hotchner asked and I nod. " I was nine years old. I was waling home from school because mom had an appointment. A car drove up parked along side me and I was pulled inside. I was tide,bound, and gagged I could smell a strange perfume. I to this day can't describe it in another way than strange. The unsub drove for what I believe to be twenty minutes from where he took me. I was then his over the head only to wake tied to a mattress naked. A man in a leather black mask he just smiled at me before he began to rape me. He would laugh when I begged him to stop. He said I was a gift from his master and I should be honored to have the opportunity. He would put me in several positions he came inside me several times. He said I was one of his masters whores that needed to be broken in once finished. He flipping me on my stomach and branded me with the insignia of asmodeus." I said before my dad offered me his whiskey. "You need this." I took it and drank it. "The perfume as you said how did it make you feel?" Spencer asked once I hand the empty tumbler glass back to David. "Numb" I thinking back. "That bastard drugged me with an air born narcotic." I said as it clicked. "No I say more like a mild sedative. It was enough to keep you down so he can preform these acts." Spencer said zero amount of empathy in his voice. He was speaking more in a tone that represents thinking. "I believe its the same person the markings are the same. When those cuts heal they will become scars like mine. The smae man shot my mother a year after. I couldn't mistake his voice. I froze and hid as he drove off. I want him found but do not leave me in the same room. I will kill him if you do." I said glaring at the wall the sound on my screams and pleading for him to stop playing in my head on repeat.

#original characters #romance #fanfiction #criminal minds #pain #deaths

[checked-windows]

IN SERVICE

Aaron Hotchner x trans male reader

Warnings: references to addiction.

Jack had told his dad about his new friend 'Nero' and kept going on about him and his dad who was also 'so cool'. Aaron Hotchner had listened intently nodding when he felt like it was needed.

A few days later Jack was telling him. About how Nero had knocked him over and he'd scraped his knees. Aaron had been worried at the bandage that was wrapped around his sons knee. It had been Nero's dad who had patched him up and scolded the other boy.

Another week past and Aaron was taking Jack to the park for a team day out to enjoy the sun and a rare day off. They were all sat on a blanket watching the kids run about with a ball when a speeding mass of grey collided with Jack and had him pined to the grass. Aaron was on his feet in seconds panic rising in his chest making him feel sick.

"NERO!" a voice called from the side and a man was hauling the mass off of his son by its collar "Do you ever listen? You okay kiddo?"

"I'm fine Mr (l/n) ! Hello Nero!" Jack answered petting the large dog.

"Nero, apologise to Jack" you ordered and the dog licked Aaron's sons face. Jack was giggling and you finally released the dogs collar, smoothing down the fur "Run away again and your going to live on a farm"

Aaron was standing in mild shock when you turned to him with a sheepish smile.

"I'm so sorry about him. He seems to have taken a liken to Jack" the man said rubbing the back of his neck.

"It's OK. I think I got a fright" Aaron responded "Aaron Hotchner, you must be Nero's dad then"

"That's me! (y/n) (l/n)" you answered and Aaron finally took you in fully. What he had originally thought was a strange shirt turned out to skin, littered with tattoos of all sorts, down your arms and across your stomach and chest. A shirt was tucked into the waistband of grey shorts. But it was two faint scars across your chest that drew Aaron's attention. He quickly snapped his eyes back up to meet yours and a small smile.

The dog was sniffing at Aaron's pants and you huffed a laugh.

"Maybe it's just Hotchner's he likes so much" you pointed out. Aaron reached out to let the dog sniff his hand and stroked over his head softly.

"What breed is he?" Aaron found himself asking.

"Tamaskan" you answered "They are bred specifically to look like wolves but honestly he's just a big softy"

Aaron seemed to remember that he was with the team and froze for a second.

"I'm going to get him home. It's hot out and he's gonna need a nap, you should get back to your team. Tell Jessica I say hi"

"Yeah I will do" Aaron said and you beconed the dog to follow, waving to Jack as he led the Nero away. Aaron turned back to the team who were pretty much leering at him at this point. He huffed at them with a glare that had no real heat behind it. Aaron began taking Jack to the park more to even catch a glimpse of you but fate never seemed to be on his side. A large part of him wished he had given you his card or something to contact him on. The agent eventually just excepted that he would most likely never cross paths again.

Emily Prentiss stepped into the tattoo parlour slowly a familiar dog catching her eye as she moved to the front desk. This would be the eighth shop that she had tried, the rest were either booked up or refused to do the work.

"I'm just going to send you straight through. We should be able to sort you out" the receptionist stated shoving things in her bag. Emily followed her gesture into the main part of the shop, the dog nudged her hip and lead her towards the man sitting on a swivel chair. You hair had been dyed an electric blue but when you looked up she knew your face, even only from a brief view. You breifly recognised her.

"How may I be of help?" you asked with a smile, Nero sided up next to you and you buried a hand into thick fur.

"I want to get a tattoo, over a brand" she said and you nodded. This was the 8th time she'd had this conversation and expected you to shut her down.

"Cool. How big of a brand are we talking?" you asked "And depending on the scarring it will most likely have to be greyscale but I can add a pop of colour if you wish"

Emily's eyes widened a bit and her shoulders slumped with relief.

"Are you OK?" you asked going to reach out but changed your mind before making contact.

"I was expecting you to tell me that it wasn't possible. That's what everyone else has said" she said. Nero rested his head on her thigh, she hummed stroking his head.

"I find tattooists in the area are a bit iffy about tattooing over scar tissue. I am too but I'm sure I can work it out for you" you said "How big are we talking roughly? And where is it?"

"I'll just show you" she said shucking off her blazer and unbuttoning her blouse to show the brand on her chest. You winced slightly before scooting closer and tilting your head to get a better look.

"Do you mind if I touch it?" you asked and got a nod in return. You pulled on a black latex glove, and gently touched the brand, poking at the skin "Is this painful at all?"

"No, I can't feel much there anymore. I think the nerves were burned" she answered and you put a bit more pressure on it to see if she flinched away but she sat still and you nodded.

"Oh I'll be able to tattoo over this easily" you said pulling the glove off and throwing it in the trash "What do you think you'd want to cover it with?"

"I was thinking a bird or something" she answered quietly.

"A bird? I can do that gimme like 30 minutes to draw something up for you and you can tell me what you think." you said spinning the chair away from her to grab a notepad and pencil "Also I'll need your full name and some form of ID to photocopy. For our records"

"Are my credentials OK?" she asked and with you nod pulled them out of her pocket.

"Thank you" you said and peeked in the leather holder "Emily Prentiss"

You moved away to copy her details before coming back and handing it to her.

"I strongly recommend going to get something to eat while I'm getting this sorted for you. I wouldn't want to phone Mr Hotchner to say one of his agents has passed out in my studio" you were smiling and Emily followed the order. Going to the cafe around the corner sending a text to the team group chat.

E PRENTISS: I found out where Hotch's eyecandy works.

P GARCEA: ohhhhh! Where!?

A HOTCHNER: Not my eye candy.

E PRENTISS: Lucifers tattoos. He's dyed his hair blue.

D MORGAN: I was thinking about getting a new tattoo.

P GARCEA: very interesting indeed :)

Emily laughed at her phone and realised her 30 minutes were up and headed back to the studio where Nero met her at the door and lead her back to his human who was finishing wrapping the chair. You looked up and laughed.

"Clearly he likes you, Mr chauffeur" you laughed and the dog bounced away to his bed in the corner.

"He's very well trained" she pointed out sitting down when you patted the padded chair.

"Only when he's wearing his vest. When he's not he knows he can misbehave cause he's not working" you said and sat on the swivel chair again holding something that looked an awful lot like a hospital gown out to her. "Nero is a service dog. He helps me with daily tasks like remembering to eat as well as being out in public spaces. He's also very good as noticing the signs of a relapse"

Emily shot you a look while he was flattening the stencil over the brand on her chest trying to keep your hands as gentle as possible.

"How's that for you?" you asked.

"That's perfect, it covers it amazingly" she said and got a grateful smile in return, you spun around and pulled out a fresh pair of black gloves from the box and started the needle.

"You good? Needing anything before we start?" you asked.

"Yeah and no I'm good" she answered. And you started the tattoo, she could see your chest moving when you breathed and moved hair from your forehead with an arm.

"I can hear the cogs turning in your head. Ask the question that's bugging you" you said keeping your head down

"You were an addict?" it left her mouth with far less tact than what she would have wanted.

"Yep. Nothing too hard but enough that I couldn't function as a 'normal' person, I couldn't hold a job this studio saved me" you said and wiped the ink gently "Nero keeps me functioning and safe"

"Well I'm glad your better now" she said and you smiled.

"Cravings come and go but I'll be fine. Oh if you find yourself talking your team don't mention this to them, Nero likes Jack" you said and laughed. The conversation lulled and the sound of the needle filled the room.

"Do you want to take a break?" you asked and got a nod in return "Can I get you a drink?"

"No, no it's OK" she answered. You removed the gloves and throwing them away before stretching out your legs and grabbing a bottle of something green out of a mini fridge. Nero whined loudly and you laughed.

"I'll be back in 5. He needs to pee" you said tapping you thigh so that the dog followed him. Emily noticed the badges pinned to the dogs vest, each clearly outlining the position of service animal and 'do not touch'. You wandered out a door and were away for close to 10 minutes before coming back you looking at the dog with a scowl.

"I cannot believe you did that. Pissing on a car. You're better than that" you huffed before sitting back on your chair and putting a fresh set of gloves on. "Ready?"

"Yeah. I think so" she answered.

"We can stop here and continue another day" you offered leaning back slightly.

"If I don't finish it today, I never will" she responded and you shrugged before putting the needle back to her skin. An hour and a half past before you were putting the needle down and cleaning her skin gently.

"All done" you said "You wanna see it?"

"Please" she breathed and you pulled a hand mirror off the tray next to you holding it so she could see. "It's beautiful thank you"

You smiled and let her keep looking while you tapped a tablet before handed it to her and she looked at the price.

"$200?" she asked eyes widening. You nodded slowly "Surely it's more than that"

"We have a deal on. Half price for cover ups on hateful or hurtful tattoos. I know the brand isn't a tattoo but I'm sure it's definitely hurtful, especially to the wearer" you said before directing her how to pay. Emily tried not to cry as joy filled her heart. She tapped the tip button and typed in $100, paying and handing the tablet back to him. You didn't notice to begin with until you did and smiled softly at her.

"Thank you" you said and put the tablet down "Try not to put a lot of pressure on it and if you need to put a vest on put some tissue over it in order to keep it happy"

She hugged you gently with another 'Thank you' before leaving the studio.

You were suprised when more FBI agents flooded the studio one after another, sometimes weeks apart. You didn't mind in all honesty, they were all lovely people and learning about them was an interesting endeavour , Derek Morgan had a son but loved his job equally, Jennifer Jaraue wasn't too sure of her own sexuality but had two sons to worry about, Penelope Garcia tried to see the good in everyone and everything but had definitely seen too much in her life, David Rossi (hadn't gotten a tattoo) but had spoken to you for a solid two hours about your' life and how you were doing a nice thing for his team and Spencer Reid had come in to get a constellation over scars on the crook of his elbow and told you the story behind them. You had felt something snap in your heart for the doctor once he had told you about Hankel, Spencer had been forced into addiction, you had not, you had chosen it.

More time past before you bumped into Aaron again, and by bumped we meant Nero had threw himself full force at the FBI agent bowling him over. You knew immediately who it was even before the man's shout of indignation reached your ears and raced after the dog screaming his name.

"Nero! I see you pup" Aaron laughed ruffling the dogs fur. You stopped next to them and hauled the dog off panting for air.

"I swear he just loves you and Jack" you huffed and helped the man to his feet. The man laughed and shook his head.

"I wanted to give you this" he said handing a small card over "It's got my number on it"

"Thank you" you said taking the card and smiling at it before shoving in your pocket. You didn't know if calling him was a good idea but it didn't need to happen because you bumped into him first, full on face into his chest.

"Oh my god. I'm so sorry" you rushed before even noticing who he was, it was the laugh that made it through the panic "Oh Agent Hotchner. Hello. I'm sorry"

"It's alright" he steadied you with a half smile. "However while I have you in front of me I was wondering if you might want to go on a date with me?" Aaron asked "Dinner or drinks or I don't know something"

"Can Nero come?" you asked raising an eyebrow. Aaron laughed and nodded. Nero sniffed the bottom of Aaron's pants again and their hands brushed slightly.

"Listen, I'm not suggesting that we-" Aaron started but you were moving close to him grabbing the lapels of his jacket and hauling your bodies together, leaning up to press your lips together.

"I've been wanting to do that for a while" you said a blush rising up your neck. Aaron cupped your jaw and pulled you towards him bringing lips back together, tattooed fingers gripping his suit jacket.

"So was that a yes?" Aaron asked breathless. You laughed stepping back to pick up Nero's leash.

"Yeah. It is" you answered your other hand coming up to brush your lips.

#aaron hotchner #criminal minds #bau #aaron hotchner x reader #aaron hotchner x trans male reader #trans male reader #criminal minds fanfiction

[immaturityofthomasastruc]

Gabriel Agreste: Interesting Villain, Horrible Character (400 Follower Special)

I'm honestly surprised more people didn't want me to talk about Gabriel, especially with how often I rag on how horrible of a person he is. But, three character analysis posts later, and we're going to talk about why the main villain of Miraculous Ladybug is a real letdown.

Gabriel Needs to give the Whining a Rest

The interesting thing is one of the few things I actually liked in Season 3 was Hawkmoth. His plans actually made sense (for the most part), and by playing the long game, he managed to turn Chloe against Ladybug and deprived her of several key allies. Granted, Season 4 immediately undid the latter, but I was still impressed by his strategy.

Generally, one of the better aspects of Gabriel as a character was just how over the top he was as Hawkmoth. Keith Silverstein is clearly giving it his all with his performance, and he is just so enjoyable to watch as a cartoonish supervillain.

And therein lies the first major problem with Gabriel as a character. While he is fun to watch as a simple supervillain, the show tries to give him more depth and unintentionally makes him worse.

In Season 2, when it was revealed that Gabriel was Hawkmoth, many fans speculated on what he needed the Miraculous for, until the Queen Bee Trilogy showed it was to save his possibly dead wife, Emilie. The idea of that is so the show can give more depth to its main villain, and I think it's an interesting idea in concept. After all, the road to Hell is paved with good intentions.

The problem is just how radically different Gabriel is normally compared to how he is as Hawkmoth. He always goes on about how he's “doing this for Emilie��, but it's hard to really sympathize with him when you consider he constantly gives evil monologues and evil laughs, really getting into the supervillain role. And let's not forget all of the “I'm going to wear Ladybug's skin as a suit” faces he loves to make.

Clearly this man is the picture of mental stability.

Gabriel's motivation for being Hawkmoth when compared to what he actually does as Hawkmoth is shady enough, but the thing is that the writers clearly want the audience to at least feel a little bad for him. They want to make the audience sympathize with him despite the way he acts with or without the mask. Without Miraculous Ladybug, he is routinely putting innocent lives in danger and never once shows regret for his actions. All he talks about is how “he's doing this for Emilie”, or that “he'll get their Miraculous soon”. There's no real reason to feel bad for him other than “because the script says so”.

Let's compare Gabriel to Malcolm Merlyn from Arrow. His big plan in the first season of the show is to create a machine that will cause an earthquake to destroy a crime-infested portion of Starling City, claiming to be trying to help everyone, but it's clear he is only doing it out of revenge for his wife getting killed by a criminal from that part of the city. In addition, throughout that season and future seasons, he always makes sure his plans lead to him benefiting in some way, showing he isn't just some noble man trying to achieve his goals with a less than noble method.

If we got some moments that showed that what Gabriel was doing was selfish, it would make him a more complex villain. But we don't get anything like that. What do we get instead? Well...

I Could Really Care Less About Emilie Agreste

We have known Gabriel's motivation has been to save his wife for a little over two years at this point, but at the same time, it's hard to believe that motivation because of how underdeveloped Emilie is as a character.

There have been a total of two lines in the entirety of the show that explain what happened to Emilie, and they're both vague as hell. One of them was from “Feast” that implied Emilie used the broken Peacock Miraculous.

Adrien: My mom used to have dizzy spells… just like Nathalie.

And the other that outright tells the audience what's happening to her in a clip show that most people will skip.

Nathalie: As I've watched Emilie falling deeper into an endless sleep, my sadness for her has deepened, too

That is literally all we get for an explanation, and nothing else. We have no idea of what she's like as a person or what her relationship with her family was like other than Gabriel and Adrien saying they miss her. Other than the way the narrative says she's important to Gabriel and Adrien, we don't really have a reason to care about her as a character. There have also been some lines that imply she went along with Gabriel's questionable parenting techniques, like how he was apparently only homeschooled as a kid (Origins) and never had a birthday party growing up (The Bubbler), so how do we even know if she's a good person? In fact, why not set up this question as a mystery to make the audience wonder if Gabriel has another reason to bring Emilie back?

It ultimately turns Emilie into a plot device and not a character that Gabriel and Adrien only bring up to make the audience feel bad for them, and meant to justify Gabriel's actions by saying that he's “doing this for his family”.

But hey, if he's doing this all for his family, surely Gabriel's redeeming traits come from his relationship with Adrien, right? Right?

As a Parent, Gabriel is Far From the Best

I've talked about this briefly before, but parenting in Miraculous Ladybug is written in such a black and white way, even by the standards of this show. Parents are portrayed in one of two ways. They're either amazing people who love and support their children unconditionally, or they're awful people who treat their own children like trash. And much like a lot of things in this show, there are times where the latter is treated like the former.

There are so many times where the narrative insists on making you see Gabriel as a troubled, but wellmeaning person who tries his best to be a good parent to Adrien, but it is far from the truth.

I'm not going to beat around the bush. Gabriel is a terrible parent. Like, he is awful at being a parent in so many ways, even before you find out he's Hawkmoth. In his first appearance, “The Bubbler”, he delegates getting Adrien a birthday present to Nathalie, his assistant. He literally can't be bothered to take time out of his schedule to get his own son a present for his birthday. And as the show goes on, he becomes more controlling and forbids Adrien from going out with his friends in other episodes (Captain Hardrock, Silencer). While this could be used to show Gabriel getting worse, it's never acknowledged in-universe, with Adrien continually defending his father essentially keeping him on house arrest.

“But IOTA!” You might say. “Gabriel has made efforts to bond with his son in some episodes.” While that might be true, most of those come right after his Akumas have almost gotten Adrien killed. He only hugged Adrien and made an attempt to learn more about him after Simon Says invaded their home, he only decided to watch that movie Emilie was in with Adrien after Gorizilla nearly dropped him off a building, and he only hugged Adrien again in public after he was turned into a gold statue by Style Queen.

In fact, let's talk about how Gabriel acts in the Queen Bee Trilogy. He actually decides to quit being Hawkmoth, but it's not because he realizes all the damage he's caused. Instead, he gave up because his “magnum opus”, a stronger than usual Akuma that only got the advantage on Ladybug ironically because of dumb luck, failed. Sure, he says he can't keep putting his son in danger, but he rarely ever acknowledges that he does so in the first place. When Riposte wanted to fight Adrien, Hawkmoth did nothing to stop her other than giving her a stern warning earlier on and nothing else. Where was this attitude earlier?

Hell, even then, he immediately goes back to being Hawkmoth as soon as he sees an opportunity, not even a day after his “mAgNuM oPuS” blew up in his face (because I guess Scarletmoth was just Plan B). If he made such a big deal about caring for his son, why didn't he try harder to spend time with him? Has he ever had doubts about what he's doing before? If Chloe didn't show up as Queen Bee, was he going to follow through on his promise and try to be a better father to Adrien instead of trying to get Ladybug and Cat Noir's Miraculous?

And yeah, the whole irony is that Gabriel is doing this for his family when he is unknowingly fighting his own son, which could lead to some interesting drama if done right. The idea of how Gabriel would react to his son being Cat Noir could really lead to some internal struggles for him to go through. But then we got “Cat Blanc”, which shows just how terrible of a character Gabriel is.

In an alternate timeline where he found out his son was Cat Noir, what does Gabriel do? Does he try to steal Adrien's Miraculous while he's sleeping? Does he reconsider his actions or realize he was endangering Adrien's life?

NOPE! He just decides to akumatize him all while emotionally tormenting him, before causing the end of the world.

This is honestly one of the most appalling things I've ever seen in any TV show, because it's basically an abusive father ordering his son to listen to him all while referencing his (kind of) dead mother to back up his point. And rather than use this to show how despicable Gabriel is, the episode decides to blame Marinette for this happening. Yes, according to the show, her present to Adrien caused several events to happen which caused Cat Blanc, but this logic makes no sense. It's like blaming the JFK assassination on the man who sold a gun to Lee Harvey Oswald, instead of, you know, Lee Harvey Oswald.

Not only was this episode yet another excuse to blame Marinette for something that wasn't her fault, it leads into the biggest problem I have with Gabriel as a character.

Sympathize with Gabriel? Surely, You Jest

After everything I've gone over regarding Gabriel as a character, after all the awful things I've talked about, are you really surprised that I don't feel bad for him at all?

Gabriel is just an awful character and a despicable human being, but the show just keeps wanting me to feel bad for him. It's just so hard to when you consider everything he's done has made him anything but sympathetic. I'm just saying, it's kind of hard to feel bad for someone who tries to start World War III with the only justification being “i'M dOiNg It FoR mY fAmIlY”, especially when he treats his family like crap.

The writers go out of their way to show how horrible Gabriel is as Hawkmoth/Shadowmoth, but they think because they throw in a few moments where he looks conflicted, we'll immediately feel bad for him. What makes so many people interested in seeing Chloe become a better person is that they can tell she's the victim of a troubled upbringing, and know that because she's only a teenager, she still has room to grow as a person, represented by having more honest moments of vulnerability. Gabriel is a grown man who once caused the apocalypse because of how terrible of a parent he is, and has even fewer sympathetic moments than Chloe does. Which one of these two is supposedly irredeemable? The answer may surprise you.

But the frustrating thing is that this kind of villain could have worked. Instead of making him this mustache-twirling psychopath, show how much Gabriel regrets what he has to do, but keeps pushing onward despite all the lives he's risking if it means that he can save his wife. Instead of making Gabriel like Lex Luthor, make him like Mr. Freeze, who is basic a better written version of him.

But as it stands, there's a good reason why Gabriel gets little to no respect as a character in the Miraculous Ladybug fandom, as a villain, or as a father.

#immaturity of thomas astruc #iota #miraculous ladybug #miraculous ladybug salt #gabriel agreste #hawkmoth #hawk moth #shadowmoth #shadow moth #emilie agreste #adrien agreste #cat noir #chat noir #cat blanc #chat blanc #nathalie sancoeur #mayura #marinette dupain cheng #ladybug

[gamergirl929]

We Fall In Love With People We (Think) We Can’t Have (Alex Morgan x Reader)

Anonymous Request: Alex Morgan x Reader: They have a friends with benefits relationship, but R catches feelings, so she tells Alex b/c it seems like there were mixed signals indicating that she may like her too, only to be rejected. They stop their sexy times and R finds comfort in Sonny. Over time, Alex notices this and becomes more and more jelly. She snaps when the team starts sharing fan vids of them together. R runs after her when she leaves and then Alex kisses her. Angst and fluff like fuck me up pls.

Mentions of smut and a WHOLEEEEEEEEEEEEE lot of angst.

You should’ve known, you should’ve known, the fleeting touches, the longing gazes, all hints in your mind, were only hints in YOUR mind.  

All of the time you spent together, all of the time you spent waking up at night, the two of you entirely bare, the room clouded with the scent of sex and your bodies sore, meant absolutely nothing to Alex Morgan.  

“You knew when we started this that this was sex and ONLY sex.”  

You remember the look on her face, the complete and utter confusion, mixed with something akin to pity.  

She pitied you.  

Pitied you because you’d fallen in love with her, all those nights you spent by her side, watching her sleep peacefully, your bodies dotted with purple bruises, had meant absolutely nothing to her, while it had meant the world to you.  

You’d nodded, tears in your eyes as you turned and sprinted out of her hotel room, essentially ending the ‘relationship’ or lack thereof between the two of you.  

Nothing would ever be the same between you again, because you had the audacity to fall in love with someone who wouldn’t ever love you back.  

And that someone was Alex Morgan.

                                                           ***

After that night, you steered clear of Alex Morgan, willing your eyes to stay off of her in an attempt to dull the utter heartbreak you were feeling.

“Whoa, what’s wrong with Y/N? She looks heartbroken.” Kelley frowns at the look on your face and Alex sighs, shrugging.  

“I don’t know.”  

Kelley scoffs.  

“Don’t give me that shit Morgan, Emily said Y/N was crying when she came back to their room last night.”

Alex’s blue orbs disappear behind her closed eyelids, a lump forming in the woman’s throat.  

The last thing she EVER had wanted to do was hurt you.  

“I mean, you guys were banging weren’t-

“I don’t want to talk about it, Kelley.” Alex bites, Kelley holding her hands up in surrender.  

“Alright, alright, calm down Jan.”    

Alex glances your way out of the corner of her eye, catching the small smile on your face as Emily wraps her arms around you, the woman giving you a tight squeeze.  

The second your arms slip around her neck, Alex’s stomach twists violently, her heart clenching in her chest.  

She could have that.  

She could have that, but she’d screwed up.  

Screwed up because she’d told you she didn’t feel the same, but in reality, she did, she did feel the same.  

But she was Alex Morgan.  

And there was NO way Alex Morgan could be bisexual.  

Right?

                                                           ***

The more time Alex spent away from you, the more she missed you, missed the feel of the rising and falling of your chest against hers, missed the feel of waking up beside you in the morning, missed the smile on your face that had been directed at her.  

In this case though, that smile wasn’t directed at her.  

It was directed at Emily Sonnett.  

Emily rests her head on your shoulder and moments later, you rest your head on top of hers, the harmless interaction between the two of you making Alex’s stomach twist in jealousy, her eyes burning a hole in the back of Emily’s head.  

“Hey.”  

Alex turns her glare away from Emily as she turns to Kelley, the defender’s eyes widening at the look at her face.  

“Al, they’re just friends.”  

Alex scoffs.  

“It’s not like I care anyway.” She growls, turning away from her best friend.  

Kelley rolls her eyes, lips parting to snark at the forward, but at the look in her blue orbs her mouth snaps shut.  

Alex wasn’t just feeling anger at the sight of you and Emily together, it was sadness as well.  

                                                           ***

“Has she tried to talk to you?” Emily whispers from her place on the bench beside you and you shake her head.  

“No, not once.”  

Emily hums, her hazel orbs locking on the forward’s form, a forward who’s currently glancing your way.  

“I think she wants to.”  

You follow her gaze, catching familiar blue orbs on you before their owner abruptly turns away.

You shrug.  

“What if I don’t want to talk to her?” You mumble, Emily frowning as she places a hand on your back.  

“You do.”  

You turn to Emily with a frown.  

“What if I don’t like what she has to say?” You whisper, trying to hide the tears growing in your eyes.  

Emily cups your cheeks, the woman resting her forehead against yours, uncaring that the two of you are literally being watched by thousands of fans.  

“Listen to me, if she doesn’t want to be with you, it’s her loss.” She whispers, the woman smiling as she kisses your forehead, the blonde, much like yourself forgetting where you’re at in that moment.  

You didn’t bank on the fans taking notice, as well as a certain forward on field, the woman’s hands balling into fists.  

                                                           ***

“Ohhhh, look at the USWNT’s newest shippp!” Megan sings, passing you her phone, a picture of you and Emily on the screen, the blonde’s forehead resting against yours.  

Emily’s cheeks flush, as do yours.  

“Ugh, that picture was taken out of context.” Emily mumbles, swiping Megan’s phone from you, the woman glaring at the screen.  

“C’mon, you guys look cute together.” Lindsey teases.  

Further down the dinner table Alex clutches her fork tightly, a hard lump forming in her throat.

Kelly watches worriedly, Alex’s irritated state noticed by a number of her teammates within her vicinity.  

Christen and Tobin share a glance, as do Ali and Ashlyn, the two turning back to Alex who looks as if she’s about to blow a gasket.

She can feel the silverware bend in her hold, the woman’s stomach cramping.  

She couldn’t believe it, after only 4 months you were flaunting your relationship in front of her like what happened between the two of you hadn't mattered.  

Alex’s heart sinks in her chest.  

She’d done this.

She was the reason you’d even HAD the opportunity to get with Emily.  

She was the reason you were currently finding comfort in arms that weren’t hers. 

Alex shakes her head, blinking back the tears gathering in her eyes, tears she hopes no one sees, tears Kelley sees, tears Tobin and Christen see, tears Ali and Ashlyn see.  

Tears she was shedding from thinking about what could have been.  

What could have been if she hadn’t turned you down.  

What could have been if she realized she loved you sooner.  

                                                           ***

It wasn’t hard to see that Alex Morgan was exhausted, the bags under her blue orbs a dark purple, looking as if she’d either been in a fight, or hadn’t slept in weeks.  

She noticeably had been slower on field, prompting Vlatko to take action, meaning ordering her to get what she needed, rest.

The woman unable to participate in practices and games until she felt better.  

But she wouldn’t feel better, because right now, she was experiencing what you had when she first spurned you.  

She deserved to feel this way.  

“Jan, I can’t see you like this...” Kelley frowns sadly.  

“Like what?” Alex snarks. “I’m fine.”  

“Al, you’re-

“I said I’m fine.” Alex growls, cutting Tobin off, the forward frowning sadly, worriedly.  

“Listen, you can’t stay in bed all day, it’s movie night tonight and you’re coming with us...” Kelley gives her leg a nudge and Alex groans.  

“I’m not going.” She grumbles under her breath, snarling when Christen jerks the covers off of her.  

“Yes, you are. You need to spend time with the team, it’ll help.”  

Alex shakes her head, hiding her face in her pillow.  

“No, it won’t...” She sighs, whispering into the pillow so the others can’t hear.  

“It won’t because she’ll be there.”  

                                                           ***

Unfortunately for Alex, she ends up in the hotel room packed with her teammates for movie night, the forward keeping her distance away from not only you and Emily, but everyone else as well.  

Her teammates worriedly glance her way, though none of them speak, scared that it could drive her back into her hotel room, back into solitude.  

Alex can’t keep her eyes off of you, tired blue orbs on your profile, tired blue orbs that you find yourself gazing into every once in a while, the forward abruptly turning away from you.  

You frown sadly.  

You wanted to help her, you wanted to hold her like you used to, but you couldn’t, you couldn’t because she didn’t reciprocate your feelings, feelings you had yet to get over.  

You could see it, even from across the room, Alex’s eyes were puffy and swollen, despite the time she spent curled up in bed, it looked as if she hadn’t been sleeping. Her skin was pale, lacking the usual glow she had, and lips were cracked, chapped from neglect.  

“Ohhh, look at thissssss.”  

You turn to Ashlyn, the woman’s voice pulling you out of your trance, she and Megan grinning your way.  

“You and Emily have a new fan video.” Megan teases, missing the way that Alex tenses up.  

Emily rolls her eyes.  

“We’re just friends.” She pouts and Ashlyn snorts.  

“NOT according to THIS.” She holds her phone out, sappy music playing through the speakers as photos of you and Emily play on the screen as well as a number of clips where the two of you were celebrating goals, Emily kissing your cheek.  

Abruptly, so abrupt in fact that everyone jumps, Alex moves to her feet and makes a mad dash for the door.  

“Al! Wait!” You call out, chasing after her, but just as you’re slipping through the door you hear another door slam, presumably the one to Alex’s hotel room.  

You move towards the door, wrapping your knuckles against its hard surface.  

“Alex, come out and talk to me, please.” You plea, but your pleas go unanswered.  

You knock until your knuckles flush so red, you know they’ll be bruised in the morning, but you don’t care, you just want to get to her.  

Eventually though, the knocking ceases and on the other side of the door, Alex’s tears begin to fall.  

                                                           ***

Considering you’re in town for a tournament, you don’t do much bus riding, so catching Alex on the bus was a no go, though each and every time you tried to catch her coming out of her hotel room, she’d somehow slip passed you and out of your grasp.  

Attempts to talk Kelley into giving you her hotel key had failed, the defender wanting to protect her best friend, which you completely understood and didn’t blame her for.  

It isn’t till days later that you FINALLY cease your opportunity, catching Alex alone in the locker room after a rough game against Sweden.  

The woman doesn’t even see you coming considering she’s sitting on the bench, her hands covering her face.  

Your teammates silently slip out of the room, giving the two of you the much needed space you so crave.  

“Alex?”  

The forward’s head snaps up, her tired blue orbs wide, she’d been so lost in her pity party at having a terrible game that she hadn’t realized that the locker room was empty and that the two of you were the only ones left.  

Alex jumps to her feet, ready to make a break for it, but the look on your face makes her still, a look of utter sadness, but also, hints of anger.  

“Alex, please tell me what’s going on... I can’t see you like this...”  

Alex closes her eyes, your words falling on deaf ears as she tries to fight back what she’d been wanting to do for months, fought back the urge to run to you and take you into her arms.  

“Are you even listening to me!? ALEX! TALK TO ME DAMN IT!” You snap as you advance on the woman, the woman who can no longer keep herself back.  

Alex’s lips meet yours in a kiss like none you’d ever shared before, her lips soft, the kiss in no way filled with lust, but something else.  

She pulls back, tilting her head to change the angle of the kiss, kisses that are growing more heated, that is until you’re guiding her backwards into a locker, the woman ending up sitting in the locker as the two of you kiss.  

It isn’t long before your tongue is pushing passed Alex’s lips and swiping against her own, the woman moaning into your mouth as her hands run down your back. 

Your tongues tangle, flicking and rubbing against one another in such a way that makes your body shudder, the feeling of her tongue against yours bringing back a multitude of memories, night’s you’d spent together, bare and covered in sweat.  

Alex pushes you back suddenly, guiding you back into a wall, her tongue swiftly dominating your own, that is until the forward starts to slow the kisses down, her tongue no longer in the picture as her lips meet yours in a way that makes your heart warm, a warmth that spreads throughout your chest.  

Alex’s nose brushes your own, you think on accident, but you quickly realize it’s purposeful, a smile stretching across her face, a smile you hadn’t seen in weeks. 

You cup her cheeks, resting your forehead against hers as you stroke the bags under her eyes.  

“I think we need to talk... Don’t you?” You whisper and she nods, blue orbs fluttering shut as she leans into your touch.  

“Yeah, we do.”  

                                                           ***

Your eyes narrow as you stare at Alex, the forward shuffling nervously under you gaze.  

Alex stiffens when you reach for her, taking her hand and leading her to the bed, the two of you sitting on the end of it.  

“Al, please talk to me...” You whisper, stroking the back of her hand with your thumb.  

Alex takes comfort in the feeling the woman’s eyes fluttering shut as she blurts out her confession, a confession that had been bottled up inside, wanting to escape the confides of her throat.  

“I was jealous.” She whispers, the woman unable to open her eyes, unable to find the courage to see your reaction.  

Your brows furrow in question before your eyes widen.  

“Emily?” You ask, the forward tensing.  

You shake your head, chuckling, that chuckle making Alex’s eyes flash open.  

Alex’s heart skips a beat as you cup her cheeks.  

“She was just a shoulder to cry on, we’re only friends.” You whisper, leaning in to rest your forehead against hers.  

“So...” Alex swallows hard.  

“You’re just friends?” She asks and you nod.  

“Just friends.”  

Alex nods, the woman swallowing hard.  

“I’m sorry for what happened...” She whispers, your eyes slamming shut as you pull away, the woman already missing your touch.  

“Does that... Does that mean you just want to be friends?” You ask, the forward shaking her head.  

“No!” She cries, clearing her throat when she realizes she’d basically screamed at you.

“No...” She whispers, cupping your cheeks this time.  

“I didn’t realize my feelings were as strong as they were until I lost you, until I thought you loved someone else.” She whispers, her head hanging in shame.  

“Could you ever forgive me?” She sniffles, eyes welling up with tears as she thinks of the prospect of you not forgiving her.  

You lean in, pressing a kiss to the tip of her nose.  

“Of course I forgive you.”

Alex’s head perks up, her eyes widening as tears stream down her cheeks, tears you’re quick to wipe away.  

“There’s something I need you to do for me.” You whisper, the woman sighing as she rest her forehead back against yours.  

“Anything.”  

You pull away, kissing her forehead as you give her arm a tug.  

“Get some sleep, I know you’re exhausted.” You say, your index finger brushing beneath her blood shot, red and puffy eyes.  

Alex grabs your hand before you can pull away.  

“Will you...” She swallows hard.  

“Will you stay?” She asks and you smile.  

“Of course.”  

The two of you crawl up to the head of the bed, a grin stretching across your face as Alex spreads your legs and settles on your chest, burying her nose in your neck, the woman releasing a sigh, a relaxed sigh that tells you how much she’d been missing you.  

The woman nuzzles into the soft flesh just behind your ear, remaining silent for a moment before she whispers, words slurring as she fights off sleep.  

“I want to try this... With you...” She whispers, your eyes widening.  

Alex Morgan, the woman who’d spurned your advances before was now asking you if you wanted to take those feelings to the next level.  

You smile, your lips parting to give her an emphatic yes, that is until you realize she’s fast asleep in your arms.  

Your grin, turning your head to kiss her forehead.  

“I want to try this with you too.”

#uswnt x reader #alex morgan #alex morgan x reader #alex morgan imagine

[holylulusworld]

Her substitute (1) - Need you

Title: Her substitute (1)

Summary: Once you were her best friend. Now her widower seeks shelter in your arms.

Square Filled: Cordell Walker

Ship: Cordell Walker x fem!Reader, Cordell Walker x Emily Walker (widowed)

Characters: Stella Walker

Rating: Explicit

Warnings: angst, language, mentions of loss of a loved one, grief, unrequited love, smut, protected sex, scared of feelings, guilt, sneaking around, secret affair

A/N: This is partially an AU. Cordell didn’t go undercover. Emily and the reader’s boyfriend died together on their way to Y/N’s birthday party. And the reader is Cordell’s partner for the sake of my story. His partner from the show will have an appearance either way.

Word Count: 1,7 k

Created for: @walker-bingo​

Her substitute masterlist

2021 Walker Bingo masterlist

Divider by @firefly-graphics​

Once upon a time life was good to you, great even.

Life was all you ever dreamed of. Until. One day. Your world exploded.

One day your best friend, the woman you considered family, and your boyfriend got killed after you tried to arrest an unforgiving man. You and your partner lost the people you love on the same day.

While you tried to pick up the pieces and put your life back together, Cordell preferred to despair, and to use you as an outlet for his pain, grief, and frustration.

He can be gentle and cruel within a heartbeat.

Emily was the love of his life but Jason was just someone you spend your days with to fill your empty life. Sometimes he calls you cold or heartless only as you gave Jason’s belongings to the Salvation Army after one year of grieving. 

Cordell can never know the reason for your fast recovery…he can never know…

“I need you—“ it always starts with these three words, followed by a desperate look and his hands. God his large hands reach out for you to touch, caress and grope. “Baby Girl.”

“We talked about this, Cordell,” you weakly press your hands against his chest, shaking your head ever so slightly. “I can’t do this. We are partners and she was my best friend.”

“Didn’t stop you from fucking her widower not six months after she got killed,” here we go. The sweet and desperate Cordell is gone, replaced by a blank nerve wanting to hurt and drag you down. “Only as you got over Jason like he meant nothing to you doesn’t mean I can just stop grieving.”

“Then why do you come here to fuck me?” he takes off his cowboy hat, nervously playing with it. “Cordell, we shouldn’t do this. It’s no good for you or me. What if your kids find out?”

“All I can think about is to have you underneath me, pinned to the mattress and my cock so deep inside it hurts,” he drops his hat, steps over it to grasp for you. “I want you, baby girl.”

“Shit—” pinned to the wall seconds later you find yourself falling for your best friend’s widower all over again. It’s not a secret you were in love with Cordell before Emily even met him. He just never showed interest in asking you out and when Emily came into the picture, you backed off like the good friend you were.

“Say you need me,” he buries his face in your neck, inhales your scent deeply. “Baby girl, tell me that you need me and that you want to feel me.”

“Cordell, fuck baby,” you whimper his name, ignore the guilt eating your soul up once again. All you can focus on are his hands grip your waist to hoist you up, holding you midair until you sling your legs around his waistline hands cradling his face to kiss him deeply. “I need you.” It’s not a lie. You always needed him; he just didn’t know it.

“I need you too,” he kisses you fiercely, almost desperate to forget all the pain and his empty bed at home when he tugs at your clothes or moans your name. “Give in, baby girl.”

You are a mess, both of you. While you let Cordell strip you bare, not just your body but your soul and heart, he pants, moans, and whines on top of you.

It doesn’t take long for him to slide into you and pin your hands above your head to make sure you know this isn’t love-making.

Two sides of the very same coin hit you where it hurts the most. Every. Single. Time. He doesn’t take his time to be gentle and loving. Its raw, unadulterated lust driving him into you.

“Fuck, baby girl,” he watches your lips part and your eyes dilate when he starts to move his hips. “Look at me.” It’s a command you follow immediately. He holds your wrists pinned to the mattress to make sure you can't touch him gently. “Good girl, always so good for me.”

“Cordell, you need to—” his lips kiss your protest away, force moans and tiny whimpers out of you. “Please.”

“Just tell me you need me as much as I need you, Y/N,” he finally says your name, not baby girl, and you nod, ashamed you let the widower of your best friend fuck you like a whore on cheap sheets.

“I need you,” you choke the words out, looking away, not wanting to hold his gaze when the familiar burn is back, the one pushing you violently over the edge only to leave you hollow in the end.

“Look at you, so responsive,” his hands finally let go of your wrists to roughly cup your breasts. His thumbs toy with your nipples leave them hard and throbbing. “Those tits, so pretty,” he dives in, suckles one nipple into his hot mouth to push you closer to the edge.

He moves slow, deliberate, plays your body like an instrument. You are in trance, only feel his body press yours to the mattress, mind blank once again.

Another deep thrust makes you moan his name loudly. “Fuck, I’m gonna cum,” you grasp for his shoulders to bring Cordell closer to your heated body to hold him, even if it’s only for this fleeting moment. “Cordell.”

“So tight and warm for me,” his hands grip your thighs to spread you wider. He loves to watch his huge cock disappear in your pussy, the one only he owns. “You take me so well and deep, baby girl.”

You cry out in pleasure, back arching off the bed when his cock hits that spot taking your breath away. His large hands cup your ass, squeeze it tightly.

Cordell holds himself inside your body, stops moving to feel you clench tightly around his thick length. Just staring down at you.

“Cord, what’s wrong?” you whimper breathlessly. 

“Just wanted to feel you cum before I fill this cunt up,” his pace becomes brutal after your orgasm.

He moans, eyes glued to your face as he tries to pretend you are only a warm body he can use, a toy to fulfill a primal need, not the woman he could fall for…

“Oh—” you watch him move on top of you, memorize his features, the way his hair is glued to his sweaty forehead, and those obscene veins in his arms, popping out. “I want you to cum, let me feel it, Cordell. Fuck me.”

“Fuck, you—shit Y/N,” he groans, hips jerking violently before he allows himself to let go. 

When it’s over he rolls off you to dispose of the condom, already looking for his clothes on the floor.

You have a routine. He comes to your apartment, convinces you to let him fuck you, and leaves you alone and cold moments after your high.

Tonight, you wrap yourself into a sheet and turn around to not watch Cordell hastily put his clothes back on. You would give the world for him to stay the night, but you know he will leave soon.

As usual, you take deep breaths to hide the tears forming in your eyes. “Thank you,” he says, and you feel like a fool all over again.

“I got a job offer in New York,” you casually say. “Do you remember? I always wanted to be with the FBI. Three years ago, they didn’t have a position for me, but last week, I got a call.”

“Oh—” is all you get. You can hear the ruffling of clothing, and then the door opens. “You should take their offer. Being my partner is a dead end. A girl like you shouldn’t stay a Texas Ranger,” the coldness in his voice breaks your heart.

“Yeah, maybe I should,” you clear your throat while you try not to cry. “I will call them on Monday. Have a great—” the door closes before you can say another word. “Figures…”

“FBI?” Stella blanches. “You want to go to New York to work with the FBI, Y/N?” she cries. “You can’t leave me too. Why is everyone leaving me?”

“Stella bear, nothing is decided yet,” you sit next to her on the steps, patting her thigh. “They called me two weeks ago, and I just thought I should at least fly to New York to talk to them. Don’t you think?”

“I don’t know,” she sniffles. “What did dad say? You are his partner, Y/N. He needs you,” you sling one arm around Stella’s shoulders, hiding she just added another crack to your fragile heart. “We need you. You are family to us. Mom loved you.”

“I loved your mom too, Stella bear,” giggling at the awful nickname Stella leans her head against your shoulder, and you feel the guilt overwhelm you once again. If only the girl knew you are banging her father. “She was my best friend and your dad is my friend too.”

“Y/N?” Cordell walks toward his house with long steps. “Is there an emergency? Do you need my help? It’s Sunday.”

“Your mom invited me for dinner, and I met Stella in town and drove her home. If you don’t want me here, I understand,” you try to keep the sadness out of your voice.

“Grandma wants a family dinner, dad,” Stella grumbles. “If I must spend time with my lame brother and you, I want Y/N to join us. At least she’s cool.”

“Cool?” Cordell smirks, glancing down at you. “I remember there was a time when she had braces and was a shy little mouse.”

“Y/N shy? I don’t believe a single word, dad,” she nudges your side. “Right, Y/N. You never were shy.”

“I hate to admit it, but I was a little shy. Your mom helped me break out of my shell and become the woman I am today. I miss her,” you sniff, watching Cordell sit next to his daughter. 

“Emily, she always talked about you. How you helped her get better grades,” Cordell says. “She loved you too, Y/N.”

When you sit at his table half an hour later, watching Cordell with his family you decide your last encounter was the last time. You won’t risk messing his family up even more...

“We can’t do this again, Cordell,” you sigh when he leans in your doorframe, that look in his eyes again. “I told you after the dinner with your family we should stay only friends.”

“Y/N, we are friends but—” he cups your cheek with one hand, thumb swiping over your lips, “I need you, baby girl…”

>> Part 2

Walker Tags

@mimzy1994​, @rach-12​, @jaredpadaleckisbride

--------------------

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#Her substitute (1) - Need you #cordell walker #cordell x reader #walkerbingo #cordell walker x reader #cordell walker fanfiction #cordell walker x fem!reader #smut #grief #loss of a loved one

[sarcasmandships]

honey and glass part 2 ~ spencer reid

i move to new york but i can’t seem to escape spencer reid 

spencer reid x reader angst + hurt/comfort (sorta, it’s all in first person but with no names/no specific descrptions)

word count: 15.4k (got a bit carried away lol)

read part 1 here!

disclaimer: i do not ship jeid or think they had any chemistry but it’s a good opportunity for angst x

it’s snowing in new york.

i groan internally, resting my head in my hand as i stare out the window.

it’s half past six and most of my co-workers have already left for the night, but i’m still trying to mentally prepare myself to venture out in the cold.

“hey!” agent cole greets me as he flops into his chair at the desk next to mine, a mountain of papers in his arms.

“hey,” i mumble in response, “you’ve got a small rainforest there,” i motion with my head to the folders he has now spread across his desk.

“yeah, the bishop is laying it on me thick this week. you make one mistake in this place and its paperwork, paperwork, paperwork for a month. i need to get through this by lunchtime tomorrow.”

i pause and glance out the window again. i really hate the cold.

“i can give you a hand if you want-”

i’m about to suggest that he hand me over half of his files, but before i know it agent cole is leaping to his feet and flinging on his coat, “you are a lifesaver let me tell you that, god bless fitz for bringing you over from quantico!”

he’s scooping up the folders in his arms and dumping them onto my desk.

“oh! i meant that-”

“thanks again, really appreciate it!” agent cole cheers and before i can protest he’s already past the double glass doors and clambering into the elevator, he gives me a wave as the doors slide closed in front of him.

“no problem…” i say to myself.

i shuffle into the breakroom and put on a fresh pot of coffee, i’m going to need it. i fill up a mug and envelop my hands around it as i sit back down at my desk, the heat from the coffee warms my numb fingers enough to hold a pen between them. i make a start on agent cole’s paperwork.

it’s a few hours and many cups of bitter coffee later when agent fitz appears from his office, he’s wrapping a thick, wool, scarf around his neck when he passes my desk and pauses.

“you’re still here?”

“yeah…paperwork,” i say, pointing to the pile of folders i don’t even seem to have made a dent in.

he raises an eyebrow, “your file said you were efficient, but i didn��t think that even you had the ability to fill out paperwork on cases we haven’t even worked yet.”

i laugh nervously, “what do you mean, sir?”

“well, my role as assistant unit chief to agent bishop involves ensuring that all agents are up to date with their paperwork, so i know that all of your cases have been written up, reviewed and filed. so you either have some kind of psychic ability that allows you to predict your future cases and do their paperwork, or this isn’t yours.”

i can’t tell from his tone whether he is annoyed or amused.

“right,” i nod slowly, “see the thing is sir, agent cole had all of this paperwork to do and i offered to help him, only he thought i was offering to-”

“to take it all?”

“yes, exactly. agent fitz, sir.”

he takes a sharp intake of breath in through his nose, “i think that agent cole knew fine well what you meant.”

“what? then why would he-”

“can i give you some advice?”

“y-yes. of course, agent fitz. go ahead.”

“you’re a very nice person, but you’ve been here six months now so you don’t need to worry about making a good first impression anymore-”

“i’m not,” i say defensively, “i just wanted to help out a fellow agent, we used to do it at the bau all the time-”

he gives me a look.

“sorry for interrupting agent fitz, sir.”

“you’re not in quantico anymore honey, this is new york. so my advice to you is to stop being so nice, because i hate to be the one to break it to you but agent cole has taken advantage of your niceness big time here.”

“so your advice to me is to be mean because right now i’m too nice?”

“not mean, just firm. agent cole was given the extra paperwork as a consequence of his own actions, and because you’re too nice, you’re still at the office filling out reports while he’s relaxing at home.”

“be less nice, got it,” i nod and stare down at my hands, unable to believe that i fell for that, i’m supposed to be a profiler, “thank you, agent fitz,” i smile at him.

“just call me fitz, everyone does,” he says as he begins to unwind his scarf.

“what are you doing? you’ll freeze out there without that-”

“we’ll get through this in half the time if we split it,” he shrugs, “i’m gonna grab a coffee, do you want one?”

i jump to my feet, “it’s okay, i can get the coffee-”

“have you forgotten my advice already?”

i can feel the heat flooding to my face, “don’t be too nice, got it,” i sit back down again and twirl my pen.

“see, you’re learning,” he lifts my mug from my desk, “any cream or sugar?”

i shake my head.

he nods and moves into the breakroom.

i let out the breath i didn’t know i was holding. i’d been here sixth months, i thought i was finally fitting in. everything was different in new york, the way of working, the people, the humour. something that would’ve sent spencer into a fit of giggles back in virginia would only earn you a concerned stare here.

or maybe that was just spencer and i’s sense of humour, we got looks back in quantico too. but it was okay because i was with him. it had been six months and the promises of texts, phone calls, emails and letters had withered away.

jj was the only one i still regularly heard from, we called every week.

there was the occasional text from morgan, and garcia.

emails from hotch and rossi.

but from spencer, it was radio silence. i told myself it was because he was a technophobe, and he hated texting on that tiny little phone of his.

“the buttons are too small,” he’d complain.

yet my suggestion of him updating to a modern model was ‘out of the question’, i understood he didn’t like it, but i didn’t understand why he wouldn’t make the effort.

maybe i would’ve confronted him about it if i’d had the nerve, if i wasn’t too nice.

“there we are,” fitz says, placing a mug of steaming coffee in front of me.

“thank you, agen-,” i pause, “thank you fitz.”

he smiles and takes a pile of papers from my desk as he sits in agent cole’s seat.

too nice, the words echo in my head.

if i hadn’t been so intent on being the nice, sweet, helpful new girl i could be at home by now. granted my tiny apartment wasn’t much to go back to, but it was something. i had a chance for a fresh start here and i wanted to be the girl that people liked and respected. i wanted things to be different but i’m just as spineless as i’d been in qunatico.

all honey, no glass.

“you’re leaving?”

“yeah.”

“when?”

“two weeks.”

spencer gets up from the couch and storms away from me, he stares out the window, “so you’re leaving your job in the bau - one of the most sought-after jobs in the bureau - to work for the counter terrorism division in new york?”

he almost sneers ‘counter terrorism division’ at me and i’m taken aback. the spencer in front of me isn’t the spencer that i love, i close my eyes and tell myself that he’s just being defensive. i’ve known him long enough to recognise his abandonment issues.

“why are you saying counter terrorism like that? like it’s a step down for me? because it’s not. it’s better hours, better pay-”

“cost of living is higher in new york city!”

“and my new salary will be more than enough to cover it! they’re also helping me with moving expenses, helping me find an apartment – they really want me over there, spencer,” i run a hand through my hair, “do you know what that’s like for me? to have someone want me so much that they’d pay me 20% above the standard salary-”

“so this is about money for you then?” he says bitterly.

“no! it’s about someone valuing me and what i can do. it’s about someone thinking that i’m good enough and giving me the chance to prove that to myself.”

 “and what, you think that we don’t value you?”

 “i didn’t say that spencer, i’m just saying that i have a chance to excel over there and be a better agent. i’m a good profiler, but i’m not a great one, even you can see that. i’ll be happier when i’m finally in an environment where i don’t need to put myself down and compare myself to everyone around me.”

 “please stay,” he pleads, “can’t you stay for me? everyone is leaving or dying. please, you can’t leave me too.”

 spencer reid is standing in front of me with tears in his eyes begging me not to go, and i want nothing more than to rush to him and promise that i will never abandon him. if i hadn’t already signed a binding contract, i would probably be in his arms now.

 i shake my head, “i’m sorry spencer, it’s already been decided. i’m only staying these extra two weeks to give hotch a chance to find someone else, i didn’t want you to be down two agents.”

 spencer clenches his fist, “i can’t believe this is really happening. jj left, and now you’re leaving too. emily hasn’t even been dead a month and-”

 “you think i don’t know that? you think i just forgot that emily died? you aren’t the only one suffering here spencer! agent fitz brought up transferring to me over a year ago, i called him up about it before jj left for the state department and i was meant to go to new york weeks ago!”

 i close my eyes and take a shaky breath before i can bring myself to continue.

 “and then emily died. and i stayed because we were all grieving and i wanted to be close to you guys, but i can’t put my life on hold forever, i can’t expect agent bishop and agent fitz to keep the job open for me forever, it’s time for me to go.”

 “why didn’t you tell me any of this sooner?”

 “because emily’s death hit you really hard and i-”

 “no, before that. you said that you were planning this before jj left, why did you wait so long?”

 “because after i called agent fitz i needed to do interviews and go through another round of interviews and interrogations, they’re really strict on security over there. it took weeks for me to even find out if they would grant me the security clearance required for the job, i wanted to be sure i was going before i said anything. and then jj left, and i was getting ready to go when emily needed help with doyle, and i told myself i would stay for once more case and then-”

 i have to stop because there’s a lump in my throat and my body is trembling. the memories of emily’s death are still so fresh in my mind, i want to curl up under a blanket and never come out when i think about her corpse, rotting away under the ground.

 “please don’t go, i need you,” he says, not even trying to disguise the way his voice cracks.

 i shake my head, “no you don’t.”

 he doesn’t. he has morgan, and hotch, and garcia, and rossi. and most importantly jj. i know that when he’s not crying in my arms, he’s crying in hers. i know the only nights he chooses me over her are the nights when she’s busy with will, or henry or something classified at the all-mighty state department.

 “yes, i do! you’re the only one who’s there for me 100% of the time, you’re the only person i can talk to about jj-”

 the only person i can talk to about jj. there we go, that’s the reason he wants me to stay. i don’t know why i’m so surprised, or why it hurts so much to hear. i should be used to it by now.

 “i can’t just hang around because you need a shoulder to cry on.”

 i must’ve let more venom slip into my voice than i intended because spencer’s face drops immediately.

 “i-i didn’t mean that, i just meant that you’re my best friend and i don’t know what i’ll do without you.”

 best friend. i can’t bring myself to respond.

 “is that what it is? are you leaving because of me? do you think that i don’t appreciate you, that i just think of you as a shoulder to cry on? because i don’t think that at all-”

 “spencer, you haven’t done anything wrong, i’m not leaving because of you, okay?”

 that’s a lie. and i hate lying to him, but he’s so busy pacing and running his hands through his hair that he doesn’t detect the guilt plastered across my face. spencer is the primary reason for my leaving, but not in the way that he thinks.

 “are you sure?” he asks frantically, “have i done something to upset you? don’t you want to be my friend anymore-”

 it’s ironic how spot on he is, whilst still being utterly oblivious to my feelings for him. i’m leaving because he unknowingly devastates me every day, i’m leaving because i don’t want to be just his friend, i want to be more but that can never happen.

 because he still loves jj. and i know that i can never be happy sitting on the sidelines of his tortured longing. i’m only trying to do what’s best for myself, but when i look at the pained expression on his face i can’t help but feel like a selfish bitch, i’m abandoning him when he needs me most.  

 “look, spencer i’m moving to new york, not australia, it’s not even that far. And we can text, and call each other and email, we can even send good old-fashioned letters if you’d prefer. this isn’t the end of the world.”

 “i think i could manage a text.”

 “really?”

 “yeah, i won’t like it. but i’d do it for you, like i said, you’re my best friend.”

 “are you okay? you look kind of zoned out” fitz asks.

 i place my phone down on my desk, “yeah i’m fine. it’s just…nevermind.”

 “hey, come on. you can tell me.”

 “i just got a call from my friend spencer, we worked together back in quantico but he wasn’t thrilled when i moved here and we never really kept up with texting or emails. i haven’t heard his voice since i left…i was just thinking about the day i told him i was leaving,” i drum my nails against my desk, “it was so long ago now, but it hurts like it was yesterday.”

 “sounds like you guys were close,” he comments carefully.

 “yeah, we were.”

 “so what did he want?”

 “um…him and my other old colleagues, they’re planning a surprise wedding for jj. she’s my best friend, she works with them too.”

 “are you gonna go?” he pauses, trying to gauge my response, “i mean you haven’t been back to virginia since you took the job.”

 i nod, “i know, i didn’t even go to see emily when she came back to life,” i say, my voice mixed with bitterness and guilt.

 fitz reaches over and takes my hand, “and we prevented a potential biochemical attack that week, and a bomb in the subway the week after, and a potential hijacking the week after-”

 i roll my eyes lightly, “i get the point, fitz. we’re always busy saving lives, but i don’t know if that’s a good enough excuse for being such a shitty friend.”

 “they work even crazier hours than us, i think they’ll understand,” he pauses, “i also think that you’re making excuses, and there’s a different reason that you don’t want to go.”

 “i thought i told you not to profile me.”

 “it doesn’t take a profiler to figure out there’s something going on, i’m willing to bet it’s the same reason you wanted to leave in the first place.”

 i smile sadly at him, “you got me there, fitz. i’m in love with my best friend, but he’s in love with the bride, who happens to be my other best friend. only he isn’t the groom.”

 i feel sick at the thought of watching spencer watch jj get married. he is exceptionally good at pretending to be happy, and i’m sure he’ll have the others fooled. but none of them know that he’s in love with her, they don’t know that his feelings evolved to anything beyond a silly, little crush.

 i feel sick at the thought of watching him slap a smile on his face, and shake will’s hand, and make a toast. i don’t doubt that there will be a part of him that is happy for her; the thing about loving someone the way i love him and he loves her is that is that seeing them happy gives you this sickly, jittery, joy.

 it makes your heart race and your hands tremble, and it feels almost like happiness. but its sticky and catches in your throat like honey so you can barely choke out the words to convey how fucking happy you are for them. even honey attracts flies.

 “shit,” fitz says.

 “yeah, shit.”

 all honey, no glass.

 it’s jj’s wedding.

i wanted fitz to come with me but he couldn’t get out of work, we were swamped at the moment, but he’s still insisted that i go. he drove me to the airport and practically forced me through security, and now i was standing in the kitchen of rossi’s mansion as emily refilled my wine.

i took a sip of it and smiled at her. she was the one good thing that had come out of this trip so far, i hadn’t seen her since she came back from the dead and i had been so worried she would resent me for not coming to see her sooner.

but instead she offered to pick me up from the airport and let me stay with her for the weekend, she really was a good friend. i missed my old friends, and it was nice to see everyone again. but i was already exhausted from avoiding spencer and jj hadn’t even arrived yet.

i was drinking my wine far too fast, relishing in the warm euphoria it granted me. it allows me to float through the rest of the evening, i help jj pin up her hair when her mom brings her own wedding dress for her to change into. i wipe her tears when she stares at herself in the mirror. i tell her she looks beautiful, and she really does.

i don’t speak to spencer until the ceremony is about to begin, i squeeze in next to him and mumble my hellos. he doesn’t respond and i know it’s because he’s focusing all of his energy on keeping himself together, i wrap my hand around his and squeeze it gently.

he has tears in his eyes when will and jj kiss, and so do i because i am watching him watch her and i can see his heart breaking with every micro expression. my heart aches for him because his world is falling apart in front of his eyes and he has to pretend to be happy about it.

when jj turns her head i see how widely she is grinning as she clings on to her new husband. spencer sees it too because something in him shifts and i see that sticky, artificial happiness bubble to the surface and before i know it he has dropped my hand and rushes to congratulate the happy couple.

i hang around emily and morgan for most of the night, she keeps my glass full and he doesn’t tease me about my defecting to another division. i know they know something is going on, but they don’t question me about it and i am so grateful for it.

i excuse myself from their company when i see spencer sitting slumped on the patio alone. he’s half hidden behind a pillar but i can see his feet sticking out so i shuffle over to him, my mind dizzy with wine as i take a seat beside him.

“hey.”

“hey.”

“are you alright?” i ask.

he nods stiffly, “fine, just tired – it’s been a busy week. how are things in new york?”

i sip my wine, “yeah not bad, just busy…” i say, my voice trails off and i mentally kick myself for failing to think of a better word, “spencer, can i ask you something?”

“yeah,” he says flatly, “why not.”

“okay…” his dulcet exterior makes me hesitate but i force myself to continue, because fitz told me to grow a backbone and i don’t know when i’ll get that chance again, “i was just wondering why you never called me, or texted, or emailed. we were best friends before i left and now you feel like a stranger to me.”

he shrugs and takes a swig of beer.

“is that all i’m gonna get? a shrug,” i scoff.

i know that he’s upset about jj, my heart is bleeding for him and i understand better than anyone how he is feeling. but even i can see that i deserve more than a shrug from him after a year of no communication.

“spencer, i know how you’re feeling but-”

“no you don’t,” he snaps.

i bite my tongue.

“i want to be here for you spencer, but i can’t do that if you’re going to be a mood-”

he titled his head to look at me, his eyes are dark and empty, “if you wanted to help me so badly then why did you leave?”

i open my mouth to speak but he raises a hand to silence me.

“you want to know why i didn’t call you?” he slurs, “because i was pissed at you, everyone was leaving and dying, and you left too. and then emily came back and everyone was acting like i was crazy for being so angry about it, and you weren’t here,” his voice splits, “i know it’s not an excuse and i’m sorry if i upset you but not having you here just hurt so bad and somehow texting and phone calls made it hurt more.”

i pause, “are you trying to say you missed me so much that you couldn’t call me?”

“like i said, its not an excuse but-”

“no, it isn’t” i spit.

i’ve never been angry at him before because any of the hurt and heartbreak he inflicted on me was unintentional. but now something is burning in the pit of my stomach because he ghosted me for the best part of the year and the best excuse, he can come up with is that it hurt him too bad.

“how do you think i felt spencer?” i hiss, “when i was all alone in another state and my best friend wouldn’t return my calls? i spent so long feeling guilty for leaving you but you weren’t alone. you still had everyone else, i was the one who was alone. you had jj and-”

his grip on his bottle tightened, “i didn’t have her, she was lying to me about emily and then even when we made up from that things were never the same…” he holds his head in his hands, “i’m trying to be happy for her but it just hurts so much…”

he wipes his eyes, “i’m sorry, i should be asking you about new york, not making you listen to the same pathetic sob story that you’ve heard a hundred time before.”

i wrap an arm around him, “spencer, trust me i know how much it hurts but…it’ll get better, okay? one day you’ll get over her, and you find some genius, scientist girlfriend who loves you back and then you won’t hurt anymore.”

“how do you know?” he croaks.

i sigh, “because you might love jj but she just isn’t right for you, but that doesn’t mean you won’t find someone who-”

he shakes his head, “not that, you keep saying you understand, and you know hoe much it hurts – but how do you know?”

his eyes are wide and teary, and he hiccups as he stares at me. i have to look away because the blood is pounding in my ears, i feel dizzy but its not just from the wine. we’re outside in the cool air but i feel like i’m burning up and i recoil away from him.

“spencer, that’s not important-”

“yes, it is. i wanna know. i wanna know how you think you know how i feel to the extent you can give me advice-”

he’s drunk.

“and tell me its all going to be okay, but you don’t know that! because how could you know what i’m feeling-”

he’s raising his voice now.

“spencer, you need to be quiet. someone will hear you-”

“i need to know what gives you the right to tell me that i’ll find love when you don’t even know what-”

“i know what it feels like because i am in love with you!” i finally snap, the words slip out before i can stop them and i slap my hands over my mouth, “oh god…i didn’t mean to say that….”

spencer is staring at me blankly, but slowly his stoic expression begins to melt into one of pity and sympathy. i can see his brain working overtime behind his beautiful honey and glass eyes, thinking of all the different ways he can let me down easy.

he opens his mouth.

“you don’t have to say anything,” i squeak, “i didn’t mean to say that…so stupid…can we please just forget about it?” i plead.

“d-did you mean it? you love me?”

his pitiful stare burns through me and i can’t stand it. i would rather have him glare at me with pure hatred in his eyes than this agonizing brand of sympathy, it makes me feel sick. my legs are shaking, my hands are shaking, my whole body is shaking and i realise it’s because my chest is racked with sobs.

i nod, “i-i mean it,” is all i manage to choke out.

his arms are wrapped around me, and in any other circumstance i would sink into them but now my body is rigid, and his embrace is suffocating. i can’t breathe.

i can’t breathe.

i can’t breathe under the crushing impact of knowing that i’ve fucked up a decade of friendship in less than five seconds because i couldn’t keep my emotions under control.

“i’m so sorry, you know that i care so much about you,” he says softly, “but i just don’t see you in that way-”

“it’s fine spencer,” i sniffle, “you don’t need to tell me that, i’m already well aware of that fact,” my voice is laced with far more venom than i tend but in this moment i can’t bring myself to care.

“how long?”

i’m laughing through the tears, i don’t know why because its not funny.

“ten years, give or take.”

“oh.”

oh. that’s all i get.

they say that when a burn is bad enough it incinerates the nerve endings, so you don’t feel any pain. a burst of excruciating agony and then nothingness. that’s how i feel, i’ve spent years wallowing in my own heartbreak and now that i’ve told him the truth, i just feel numb.

my sticky, sweet exterior is melting away with every passing second and pitiful glance and i don’t think i want to see what’s underneath. i push spencer’s arms off my body, and he doesn’t protest.

i sneak through the double glass doors and into the kitchen, that’s where the wine is. it warms my throat and my stomach, proving some solace from the deep-seated chill i feel in my bones.

the lights of the kitchen reflect off the glass so much that i can’t see past the glare to tell if spencer is still there. i shuffle towards the doors and press my forehead against the cool glass. spencer is gone but i like the way the window feels against my skin.

its smooth, and hard, and cold.

when your world has fallen apart, anything can be a source of comfort. and i don’t have anything left to give, so i close my eyes and rest against the chilled surface.

no honey, all glass.

the office is swarming with new recruits, they’ve descended on us like plagues of locusts and i am not in the mood for it. they’re eager and naïve as they attentively takes note of agent bishop’s words.

“…now I don’t want you to think that counter terrorism is all like what you see in the movies,” he drawls, “its not all action and defusing bombs, its patience and paperwork, careful observation and analysis – it takes more discipline to work in this division than any other in the bureau. its hard work, but it’s worth it as agents tell you,” he says, indicating towards fitz and myself.

he gives them a determined nod, i muster up a half-hearted shrug from my position leaning against the filing cabinet in the corner. i’m really not in the mood.

bishop’s phone chimes and his brow furrows ash his eyes scan the screen, “it is also unpredictable at times, so you’ll have to excuse me. but i leave you in the capable hands of my two right hand agents, they’ll be more than happy to lead the rest of the seminar,” he gives us both a quick nod before he darts out of the room.

fitz moves to the center of the room, “well, agent bishop had pretty much covered the lecture section of the session. next we are going to move onto some basic training scenarios, i will outline a situation and if you think have a strategy just shout it out, how does that sound?”

he is talking to the trainees but looking at me, he fidgets with his collar. he’s nervous, and he’s waiting for me to give him some reassurance. i force the corners of my lips to curl upwards, and it seems to give him enough confidence to continue.

he uses the remote to change the slides on the projector screen behind him and begins to list scenarios. the newbies are falling over themselves to catch his attention long enough for him to call on them. their enthusiasm and passion should inspire me, but it makes something in my stomach twist and there’s sharp anger burning through my body.

they’re all so fucking happy. so eager to see what their years at the bureau will bring them. all i got was heartbreak and rejection, but i don’t think agent bishop would appreciate me saying that so i keep my lips tightly pressed together.

“…and then i would diffuse the bomb and-”

“you would what?” i say.

the recruit shrinks back slightly when he feels my unwavering gaze shift to him.

“the scenario agent fitz gave us involved an explosive device, so my strategy would be to diffuse the-”

“that’s what the bomb squad is for, your job is to prevent the threat before it can occur, not to play around snipping wires!”

“i worked explosive ordinance disposal in the army, i would know what i was doing-”

“you aren’t in the army anymore,” i snap, “you’re in the fbi now, and we don’t have our agents running around like headless chickens during an active terrorist threat because we have rules and when you don’t follow the, people get hurt!”

“but what if the bomb squad can’t get there? surely if he has experience-” the girl next to him tries to defend him but i hold up a hand to silence her.

i laugh sarcastically, “okay. let me tell you what, next time we have a terrorism threat involving explosives i’ll tell the bomb squad that we don’t need them because i have two rookie agents who want to do things their own way. anything you’d like me to tell your families after you blow yourselves up, likely taking dozens of civilians with you?”

when they don’t answer me i give a smug smirk, “that’s what i thought,” i look over to fitz and nod, “you’ll have to excuse me, they’ve rotted my brain enough for one day,” i say before sweeping out of the room.

“why is she so mean?” the female recruit asks when she thinks i’m out of earshot.

i can feel agent fitz hesitate and i don’t blame him. i wouldn’t know how to explain to a group of trainees that i’ve been a complete bitch today because i’m bitter and heartbroken.

“she isn’t mean,” he says slowly, “she’s hard on you because she wants you to learn; its life and death out in the field and you need to be ready for anything. there’s no time for niceness and if you’re expecting that, then you’re probably in the wrong job.”

i appreciate his lie.

he makes me sound noble.

the trainees nod at his words, their eyes wide as they feed into the seamless bullshit. the stoic and honorable agent makes a better story than the resentful shrew.

i don’t want to be this way. but spencer’s words echo in my head and the breath is knocked out of me every time i picture his face, i feel like i’m drowning. it’s a dull, crushing ache across my body, weighing my limbs down like there’s lead in my veins.

i want to be honey; golden and sweet but i’m all angles and sharp edges. i’ve broken like glass and it’s only a matter of time before i draw blood. it’s easy to push people away when they’re scared of getting cut.

“are you okay?”

i jump as agent fitz creeps up behind me.

“sorry, i didn’t mean to startle you. but you haven’t been yourself and i just wanted to check-”

“are you scared of blood?” i ask.

“what?”

“blood. does it freak you out? make you feel faint?”

“no, i’m not scared of blood,” he says hesitantly.

i smile and for the first time in forever it doesn’t feel forced, “good.”

no honey, all glass.

it’s agent bishop’s retirement party.

i stand next to fitz, we’re in a circle with some of the other agents. i glug my wine as they converse, its dark and bitter and red.

“so, agent, you used to be a profiler down in quantico, didn’t you?” someone asks.

i swallow my wine, “yes, i was. that was a while ago now though.”

“do you miss it?”

i smile fondly, “every day.”

“isn’t profiling just pseudoscience?” someone snorts.

before i can even open my mouth to respond, fitz interjects, “actually the bau is one of the most successful departments in the bureau, they are responsible for saving hundreds of lives and allowing families to seek the justice they deserve.”

i nod appreciatively at him, “behavioural science isn’t empirical but more often than not we are right, like agent fitz said, we -they- are one of the most successful departments in the bureau,” i say, trying to fight the smirk creeping across my face.

“how does profiling work, can you really catch someone based on the method of killing they chose?” someone gushes.

“yes, we can tell a lot from victimology, signatures, cause of death – it’s usually symbolic in some way of their motivation for killing, or metaphorical for a message that they want to send, you’d be surprised how much we can learn from details like that.”

“interesting!”

“oh, that’s cool.”

“i didn’t know you guys did stuff like that, i might need to put in for a transfer!”

everyone laughs.

i give a half-hearted chuckle. all of my stories and experiences at the bau are tainted by him, i can’t even make light conversation at a party without my body turning numb. every memory chips away at my heart, and it’s growing more and more hollow with every beat.

“i think you need another drink,” fitz whispers in my ear.

i allow him to take my hand and lead me into the kitchen, he tops up my wine, filling it more than he probably should. but i appreciate him for it, i think he can tell i need it.

“are you okay? you clammed up right after you finished talking about your time at the bau.”

“i’ve told you before, don’t profile me,” i say, my voice sharper than i intend it to be.

“i’m not. i’ve just noticed than whenever you talk about your old job you get this look in your eyes, and you go all quiet and snap at everyone for the rest of the day.”

i drink a quarter of my wine in one gulp.

“this is still about him isn’t it?”

i shrug, “i thought i’d be over him by now but…” my eyes start to prickle and i have to console myself with another mouthful of wine.

“but?” he prompts.

“you know how jj and i call each other every week.”

“yeah.”

“well this week she told me that the rest of the team are starting to suspect spencer is…seeing someone. i don’t know the whole story, jj didn’t either. but apparently he’s been acting weird and making all these phone calls and i-”

i have to stop. i bite the inside of my cheek. he got over jj and i didn’t even know. i wasn’t even there, maybe if i hadn’t left…it hurt too much to consider the possibilities. and now there’s another woman that i don’t know anything about, at least when he was in love with jj i knew what aspects of myself to compare to her. now i’m jealous of a woman i’ve never even met.

“do you want to talk about it?” he offers kindly.

i shake my head.

“…can i ask you something else?”

“shoot.”

he looks over his shoulder and i can see his jugular vein pulse in his neck, he’s nervous.

“earlier, when you were talking about how killers leave symbolic or metaphorical clues that helps you figure out their motivation….”

i motion for him to continue.

“is that true for normal people too?”

“what do you mean?”

he runs a hand through his hair, “say you have a friend, and they as you a weird question, but it’s so out of the blue you it can’t be literal, that there has to be a deeper meaning behind it. if their question is symbolic for something else, could that indicate what their intentions are?”

he avoids eye contact with me.

“what’s this about?”

“n-nothing, nevermind. it was a stupid question anyways…” he mumbles, grabbing his beer and shuffling past me.

“fitz, come back!” i call after him, “fitz!”

he’s already gone. and i don’t have the energy to go after him. i huff and lean back against the counter, swirling around the wine in my glass before i raise it to my lips.

my hand slips, and the wine glass tumbles to the ground before shattering against the white kitchen tiles.

“fuck!”

i rake around a couple of drawers, searching for a dish towel to mop up the mess. eventually i find one and bend down to clean up the wine; the red is stark, splattered against the shiny white background.

it looks like...

“are you scared of blood?”

the words of my own cryptic question echo in my head and something clicks.

fitz.

i use a towel to scoop up the shards of glass and absorb the wine, i toss it in the sink and dash out of the kitchen in search of fitz. i spot the back of his head through a window and follow him out to the balcony, its lit by twinkly fairy lights.

“why are you out here? it’s cold,” i say, my teeth chattering slightly as i fold my arms across my chest.

i linger by the door, hoping to cling onto some of the warmth radiating outwards. but when fitz doesn’t answer, or even look up i huff and close the door behind me, shuffling over to him.

“were you asking me that stuff about metaphors and symbolism because of what i said to you about blood?”

he looks up at me but still doesn’t speak.

“fitz that was months ago, and i didn’t even mean anything by it so i don’t know why you’re reading so far into it,” i shiver, “can you just tell me what’s going on with you so we can go back inside?”

“what’s wrong with me,” he snorts.

“yes, because you’re acting really weird-”

“i’m not the one who is acting weird, ever since you came back from your friend’s wedding you’ve been like a totally different person, and then you ask me if i’m scared of blood out of fucking nowhere. what am i supposed to make of that?”

i’m taken aback from his sudden outburst, fitz is usually calm and good natured, “why are you yelling?” i snap.

“because i don’t know what else to do, i’ve tried to be a supportive friend but you’re acting totally out of character, the new recruits call you medusa because you’re so harsh on them. if this has something to do with spen-”

“i said i don’t want to talk about him!”

“well i’m not giving you the choice anymore, i’m sorry if you’re heartbroken over him, but you’re killing yourself trying to love him. do you think i don’t notice how exhausted you are? you’re working at least 30 extra hours a week and i can only assume that’s some kind of coping mechanism, and now i’m worried you’re hurting yourself-”

i squint at him, “you think that’s what i meant when i asked you about the blood?”

he nods, “well, yeah. i didn’t think you were killing people but you’re obviously angry and sad and i figured you might have needed an outlet for that-”

“yeah, i do, it’s called kickboxing fitz! i beat the shit out of a punchbag three times a week, the blood thing was…” i groan and sit down on the bench, “you’re right, i did change after jj’s wedding because i was scared of feeling hurt like that again so i thought if i toughened up and stopped being so nice and sweet then people wouldn’t be able to hurt me anymore, but…”

“but?”

“but then i realised that by being so sharp and harsh all the time then people wouldn’t want to be around me and i would be hurt all over again, and i just thought that if i made sure you would always stand by me then i’d be okay.”

he looks up, his eyebrows slightly less furrowed than before, “so, the blood thing was a metaphor for me always being on your side? cos’ if it is you don’t even have to worry about that, of course i’ll-”

i throw my arms around him and he squeezes me tightly in return, burying my face in his chest i blink back tears because the reassurance from my new best friend lifts a weight from my shoulders. but it’s a bittersweet feeling because i know he accepts it, but he doesn’t understand it; with spencer i never would’ve had to explain my enigmatic words.

with spencer i never even would’ve had to say them because he would just know. fitz is great and we make such an efficient team because we move in tandem like magnets; i move, he moves, but we’re always one behind the other. with spencer we were in sync like planets circling the sun, pulled together by an intangible force strong enough to construct a universe. at least that’s how it felt.

with spencer, we were in sync until we weren’t.

no honey, all glass.

i know that spencer and i are out of sync because when he comes to the city to deliver a guest lecture at nyu, he doesn’t even tell me.

fitz does.

he brings it up to me hesitantly after a meeting one day. since agent bishop retired, he is the new head of the counter terrorism division, and i’ve been promoted to his old job. we have tactical meetings every week with the heads of the three field offices in the state of new york to discuss any potential threat.

this week’s meeting was particularly taxing so when everyone leaves the conference room i just want to go for my lunch break, but fitz stops me to ask if i was aware spencer was in the city.

“no,” i say through gritted teeth, “i wasn’t, how do you know?”

he busies himself with some files, “i’ve been monitoring the movements of all agents coing in and out of the city-”

“why? do you think somethings wrong?”

he hesitates and loosens his tie, “i don’t know yet…i’m working on it, but i noticed that dr reid had a scheduled visit.”

“oh,” i say and try to force myself to wait an acceptable amount of time before questioning, “what’s he here for?”

my voice comes out dry and croaky despite my best efforts to appear unbothered, fitz ignores it and carries on as though nothing had happened.

“he’s giving a guest lecture to a criminology class at nyu, something about profiling…i don’t know,” he looks at his watch, “if you left now you could make it in time, professor van der woodson is a friend of mine, show her your creds and she’d let you sit in.”

i’m pulling on my coat before fitz has finished speaking, “wait…we have that meeting with that financial analyst today, he said he’d found a suspicious pattern of payments that could indicate a-”

fitz waves me off, “i got it, you go.”

i smile at him appreciatively before grabbing my bag and dashing out the door. it’s pouring with rain and it takes me forever to hail a cab, i sit in the back seat wringing out my hair with my scarf as we wait behind an immovable wall of traffic.

the cab crawls along the grid locked streets as i check my watch every two seconds, time is moving at half speed. by the time the driver pulls up outside  by by the time the driver pulls ups at nyu i’m sure spencer’s lecture will already be over.  i huff and trudge inside the building anyway, i’m chilled to the bone as i a buy myself a coffee from the cafe and find an empty seat to perch on.

i drum my fingers against the table as i sip the scorching hot coffee, i don’t really know what i’m expecting to happen. i haven’t seen or spoken to spencer since jj’s wedding, and at whisper of him being in the city i’ve spent the best part of an hour in the back of a taxi to see him. now that i’m here, i’m not sure that i want to see him.

classes are beginning to finish and the entrance hall floods with students, the volume level increases tenfold and i don’t want to be here anymore. i grab my coffee in my hand and make my way back to the front entrance when i hear a familiar voice call my name. i turn my head and i see him, he raises an eyebrow at me and begins fighting his way through the sea of students.

i freeze.

he’s getting closer with every second.

i don’t want to be here.

i don’t want to do this.

i don’t want to see him.

i turn on my heel and i powerwalk, the front door his jammed with students and if i take that route i’ll get suck and he’ll catch up to me. i spy a doorway to my left and dart towards it, breathing in a sigh of relief when i push through it and find an abandoned corridor.  

“wait!”

spencer is still in pursuit. i groan but pause in my tracks as i turn around to face him.

“are you running away from me?”

i fold my arms over my chest, “no.”

“really? because that’s what it looked like.”

“i’ve told you before to wear your glasses, if you don’t then-”

“i’m wearing contacts,” he says softly as he takes a step towards me, “i can see perfectly clearly and you’re running away.”

he reaches out an arm to touch my shoulder but i flinch away, he look of hurt that spreads across his face would be enough to break my heart if he hadn’t already shattered it.

he swallows and pulls on the cuffs of his blazer, i can tell that i’ve upset him but i don’t have the words to console him. this had been a horrible mistake. i’d dreamt of seeing him again every night since the wedding, i ran over and over again in my head what i would say and do. i never imagined that i’d be soaked to the skin and standing in front of him in a corridor lit by flickering, fluorescent lights.

“okay, so i ran away, so what?”

spencer shakes his head, “do i really make you that uncomfortable? your body language is closed off, you keep looking at the door and tapping your foot…you really don’t want to see me…so why are you here?”

i have to look away from him, “i made a mistake coming here, i don’t want to see you.”

“is this about what happened at jj’s wed-”

i hold up a hand to cut him off, “please don’t,” i screw my eyes shut, “i’ve had to relive that moment enough in my nightmares, i don’t want to do it again for real.”

“i’m sorry, i never wanted go hurt you. i just don’t fee-”

“you don’t feel that way, i get it spencer. its fine,” i look at my watch, “there’s a meeting that i really should be at…i’m sorry spencer this was a mistake, please can we just forget about this-”

“do you still love me?” he asks quietly.

i laugh.

“what’s so funny?”

“well, it isn’t funny i suppose,” i say bitterly, “it just makes me laugh that you think i could ever stop.”

“so…that’s a yes?”

“of course it’s a yes!” i look at my feet as i speak because i don’t want to see whatever pitiful look he’s giving me, “you’re my first love spencer reid, i’m always going to love you.”

i take a shaky breath and look up to the ceiling, trying to hold back my tears.

he stares at me sadly, and i know i’ve really fucked things up between us when even dr spencer reid can’t think of something to say. there’s a stagnant awkwardness and i want nothing more than to be hiding under my duvet, but this might be my only chance to get everything off my chest.

“i will always love you spencer, but i’m not in love with you anymore.”

“there’s a difference?” he says with a hint of ice in his voice that makes me flinch.

“of course there is, i love you but it’s not the same suffocating and overwhelming love i felt for you years ago. i love you but i don’t want to burst into tears whenever i see you glance at jj. i love you but i’m free from hating myself and wondering why i could never be good enough for you,” i don’t even try to hide the tears now, “spencer i used to love you so much that i couldn’t breathe, but now i can breathe on my own.”

“i’m sorry,” his voice cracks, “i didn’t know…i didn’t know i made you feel that way, if i had then i’d have-”

“you wouldn’t have done anything spencer because you didn’t feel the same, and that’s okay. you would’ve just avoided me and given me the same pitiful look you’re giving me right now which i can’t fucking stand.”

i sniffle and run a hand through my hair, “i wanted to be there for you spencer, i thought you deserved someone that loves you like you love jj, and you still do. but i can’t be that person anymore, i love you spencer but you aren’t healthy for me.”

“i never asked you to do that for me.”

“not in so many words, but when you would show up at my apartment crying over jj or emily or tobias hankel or your mother…it didn’t take a profiler to figure out that you needed someone, and i loved you so much i was willing to put your needs above my own.”

he looks at his feet.

“i don’t blame you for that spencer, i didn’t value myself very much back then and i thought that loving you was the most important job in the world,” i tug at the sleeves of my sweater, “but now i know that loving myself is the only thing that matters.”

he doesn’t say anything, he just shuffles towards and me envelops my body in a gentle embrace. i’m crying into his chest and judging by his sniffles and shaky breaths, he’s crying too. he holds me tentatively like he he’s scared i’ll shatter in his arms if he squeezes too tight.

i realise he still sees me as fragile and brittle.

no honey, all glass.

i’m finally beginning to feel like my life is coming together.

today felt like a good day.

i woke up before my alarm, had time to make myself a decent breakfast, and didn’t have to sprint to catch the subway. i got to work early and the coffee machine i had ordered had arrived, i made myself a cup of steaming coffee as i relaxed behind my desk and checked my emails. i had a light day ahead of me and thankfully no meetings.

today felt like a good day until fitz burst into my office as half past eight and slammed the door behind him.

i leapt to my feet, immediately expecting the worst, “what’s going on? is there a bomb? hijacking? what is it?”

he waves me off, “no, nothing like that,” his eyes dart between me and windows that look out over the rest of the office, he pulls down the blinds and shuffles over to my desk, “do you remember a few months ago i said that i had been monitoring the movements of agents in and out of the city?”

“how could i forget?” i say bitterly as i am reminded of the painful encounter i had with spencer, “what does that have to do with anything?”

he swallows and sits down in the chair across from my desk, “i noticed that a few of our confidential code names for active and inactive investigations were cropping up in a few of the internet servers that we monitor, so-”

“so, you were tracking the movement of agents because you suspect a mole,” i finish for him.

he nods, “at first they were names of investigations that were well known within the bureau or easy to access with a low security clearance, so it could’ve been anyone, but i’ve been supplying different code names for made up investigations to different divisions across the bureau….”

“and you’ve seen those names continuing to appear in the servers,” i run my hand through my hair, “fuck, this is bad. does internal affairs know?”

he rests his head in his hands, “it’s worse than bad, because i kept a record of which names i gave to which departments because they were all unique, and the names that came up in the servers were only given to our division.”

my heart skips a beat. he was right, this was worse than just bad. this could be catastrophic, other departments in the bureau could gain access to some of our more low-level investigations. but only members of the counter terrorist division had access to the most potent and prolific threats, if we had a mole in our department then we could be looking at disaster of epic proportions.

i collapse into my own chair, “d-do you have any idea who it is?”

he shakes his head, “no, i’ve been nagging the director about it for months but i never got a proper response until this morning, he’s sending a team to conduct an internal investigation…” he looks up at me, his eyes filled with worry and pity.

i realise what he is too afraid to say.

“you’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”

“i’m sorry, i thought they would just send someone from internal affairs, but the director feels that for someone to infiltrate our department then they must be highly trained and-”

“its fine, i get it, catching the mole is the most important thing right now,” i drum my nails against my desk, “that doesn’t mean i’m overjoyed at the thought of my old team crawling about the place and questioning our every decision.”

fitz reaches across my desk and squeezes my hand, “it’ll be okay, they’ll clear you right away and then you can get on with work, you don’t have to spend anymore time with them than necessary.”

“you mean anymore time with him than necessary,” i gulp my coffee and i don’t even flinch when it burns my throat, “when are they arriving?”

“an hour or so, they’re already on their way here and it’s a short flight,” he sighs, “it will just depend on how much traffic they hit on their way over, but we’re-”

“close to the airport, i know,” i bite my lip, “what do we tell everyone, they’re gonna start arriving soon,” i say, pulling up my sleeve to look at my watch.

its nearer nine now, and the office will start filling up soon with agents ready to start their day. there’s over a hundred agents in the counter terrorism division alone, and one of the is a traitor.

“director says we have to continue as normal until the bau team get here and they’ll decide the best course of action to take-”

i grip the edge of my desk, “so we just let them waltz in here and take over? those are our people down there, they don’t know them-”

“hey, its gonna be okay. you trust these guys, don’t you?”

i nod.

“so they’re going to find out who the mole is, and they’re not going to arrest anyone who isn’t guilty, they’re good at what they do.”

i let out a deep breath, “i know, i know. its just…i’ve been apart of these interrogations before, they ask you about everything and anything and analyze your every movement and micro expression, they’re going to question every decision we have ever made, professionally and personally. this is going to be an exhausting day,” i groan.

today felt like such a good day when i woke up, and now i was facing a waking nightmare.

fitz had gone back to his own office, like he said we needed to act like it was business as usual until the bau arrived. i had rolled my blinds back up and kept an anxious eye on the double glass doors that served as a main entrance to the bullpen.

i’d had an hour to try and prepare myself, to slow my heart rate and pull myself together enough to deal with my team of ex coworkers flying in to pick apart my department.

despite the hour i had to prepare myself, my legs turn to jelly when i see the elevator doors glide open and agent hotchner step out. fitz taps on my window as he passes my office on his way to greet them and i begrudgingly follow him out.

“agent hotchner,” he says, reaching out his hand, “thank you very much for coming on such short notice.”

hotch is stony faced as ever and gives him a brisk nod, “of course, have you told any of your agents about the situation?”

“just me,” i say, “no one else knows, but your presence here won’t go unnoticed for long,” i motion back through the double glass doors where some of the agents are already beginning to strain their necks to see who fitz and i are talking to.

“we brought our technical analyst, penelope garcia along, we might need access to computers and phones. do you have somewhere she can set up?”

fitz nods, “the conference room is just next to my office, you’ll have plenty of space and privacy in there for you all, i’ll show you the uo now if you’d like to follow me,” he says, motioning towards the door.

hotch nods, he and the rest of the team follow fitz through the bullpen and into the conference room. they mumble their hellos to me as they pass me but i know they can tell from my tightly folded arms and clenched jaw that i don’t want them here.

i tag along after them, behind a woman with dark hair that i don’t recognize, after i introduce myself she identifies herself as a dr alex blake.

“so you used to work with the bau?” she asks as we make our way up to the conference room, “hotch said you were a good agent, it’s nice to get the chance to meet you.”

i nod, “yeah, i transferred here a few years ago, it’s nice…to see everyone again,” i force a smile as i hold the door open for her.

“oh, thank you.”

i glance out the bullpen and see dozens of confused faces staring back at me. i close the door. the team have already settled themselves around the table, hotch, rossi, morgan, garcia, jj, blake and finally spencer. i avoid eye contact with him.

“so what are you going to tell people?” fitz asks, “surely if you announce that you think there’s a mole then whoever it is will just run?”

morgan nods gravely, “that is a concern, can you account that all of your agents arrived this morning?”

“lopez and mccall are out on assignment,” i say, “everyone else is here, either at their desks or somewhere on the floor.”

“any concerns about lopez and mccall?” hotch asks, “reprimands, hr complaints-”

“i know what to look for,” i say icily, “and no. they’re both stand up agents, they’ve saved both of our lives countless times,” i motion between fitz and i.

he nods, “she’s right. i’ve suspected a mole for months, so i’ve only been putting the agents i’d trust with my life out on assignment.”

hotch nods and makes some notes on the papers he is holding, “okay that’s good enough for me, like you said it is a concern that revealing our true purpose here could cause our mole to panic and we don’t want him to hurt himself or any of your agents.”

right, because a shoot out would just be the cherry on top of my day.

“our plan is to say that we have evidence to suggest the mole is in a different department, but the interviews we are carrying out here are just formality, we’ll ask inconspicuous questions and rely on behavioural cues,” morgan explains.

i raise an eyebrow, “and you really think that’ll work?”

“it has to,” jj whispers.

“okay,” i say, “i assume you’re going to want to interrogate fitz and i as well?”

“interview, not interrogate,” rossi says, “i will talk with agent fitz and dr blake will interview you…we felt that would be best since you never met during your time with us, that way there will be no bias or-”

“okay, i get the point. my office is next door, dr blake is welcome in there whenever she is ready to conduct our interview.”

before anyone can object i’ve already swept out of the room, into my office and slammed my door behind me. i’m sure they can hear it bang in the conference room. i know they’re just trying to do their job, and i feel pretty sure that they don’t suspect me. but i’m not in the mood to have my life picked apart by a profiler, especially one i don’t know.

it’s a few hours later when dr blake knocks on my door, when she comes in i motion for her to take a seat across from me. i offer her a cup of coffee but she politely refuses.

“no thank you, i don’t think this will take very long and i have quite a few interviews left after you….”

“of course,” i say, “i’m ready whenever you are.”

blake nods and presses the audio record button on her phone, “i already have the basics, your name, age et cetera confirmed by agent hotchner and fitz, so i just have a couple of quick questions. when did you transfer to the counter terrorism division?”

“three years ago.”

“and how long have you been in your role as assistant unit chief to agent fitz?”

“about a year and a half, he took over as unit chief when agent bishop retired and i was promoted to his previous role.”

blake nods, “okay, excellent. why did you choose to transfer from the bau to the counter terrorism division?”

i don’t think there are enough hours in the day to explain that properly, is what i want to say to dr blake. i left because of a bitter concoction of unrequited love and self-hatred, is what i want to say to dr blake. but instead i force a smile.

“i had been with the bau for a very long time and i felt it was time for a change of pace, i-”

the door swings open, cutting me off mid-sentence. i’m ready snap at whichever one of my agents is stupid enough to interrupt, but when i look up all i see are the cold and hard eyes of spencer reid staring back at me.

“reid, is there a problem?” blake asks.

“no, i was just hoping to sit in on this interview,” he says, never breaking eye contact with me.

“oh, spencer i don’t think that’s appropriate, you two were friends-”

“it’s fine he can stay. pull up a chair, reid.”

“i’ll stand.”

“fine.”

i’m grateful when dr blake doesn’t comment on the obvious tension between us. spencer sulks over to my desk, he stands slightly behind blake and leans against the wall. his arms are folded tight across his body, his jaw is clenches, his brows are furrowed; it’s like looking at myself in the mirror.

spencer reid doesn’t want to be here either.

“right,” blake says slowly, “you were just telling me why you transferred to the counter terrorism division, please continue.”

i tear my gaze away from spencer, “yes, of course. like i was saying i felt i had been with the bau so long and i just wanted a change of scenery, when agent fitz offered me the job i thought it would be a perfect opportunity to go somewhere i could really thrive and make a difference.”

spencer makes a face and i ignore him.

blake smiles and nods, “well it sounds like you’ve done just that, agent fitz speaks very highly of you.”

“what’s your relationship with agent fitz?” spencer interjects.

“dr reid, i think it would be best if i ask the-”

“he’s my boss, and he’s my friend. probably my closest friend here.”

“hmm.”

“what?”

spencer shrugs, “some of the other agents i’ve interviewed reported that you two have a very close relationship, and he offered you this job before he was unit chief. hiring agents wasn’t part of his job description.”

“this supposed to be an interview, none of those were questions.”

“i guess i’m just wondering why he offered you this job in the first place, and why he chose to promote you to assistant unit chief when there are dozens of other agents in this office who have been here longer than you.”

“maybe you should be asking agent fitz those questions, not me.”

“oh i intent to.”

“do you really think i’m the mole?” i spit.

“i don’t know, but jj says you’ve been dodging her calls, not answering her texts…and i know from experience how much you hate that. not to mention you just lied straight to dr blake’s face, so i’d say you’re not looking as innocent as hotch and fitz think you are.”

“what is he talking about?”

the anger is burning through my bloodstream. the bitter and cold spencer reid standing in front of me is not the man i left in virgina all those years ago. he’s not even the same man i met at nyu even a few months ago, something about him is different.

“i think he’s referring to when i told you that i transferred because i wanted a change of scene, spencer has always believed there is a bigger conspiracy behind why i left.”

he snorts.

“something funny?”

“well it’s only a conspiracy if it’s not true.”

“that is the truth,” i say though gritted teeth, my nails dig into the palms of my hands as i clench my fists.

“part of it maybe, why don’t you tell dr blake why you really left?”

“spencer, i think that’s enough. i knew this wouldn’t be appropriate-”

“what happened to you spencer? you’re acting like a totally different person, refusing to sit down, snapping at me, speaking to me like i’m an unsub – you’ve changed.”

“maybe i’m taking after you,” he shrugs, “jj says that you’re different too now, she says you’re irritable and-”

i laugh, “she said that? do you two have little catch-ups where you can discuss how rude and bitchy i am now?”

“i’m sure they don’t-” dr blake begins.

“no, we do. jj doesn’t like it when you don’t call her back, she was upset-”

“right, because everything comes back to jj with you doesn’t it.”

he pauses and i see a hint of emotion flash through his eyes, i’ve touched a nerve there.

“not anymore,” he says, his voice barely above a whisper.

“right, you’re not in love with her anymore, she mentioned you had a new girlfriend.”

blake’s eyes flicker between reid and i, “we really should get back on track-”

“yeah, not anymore with that either.”

i roll my eyes, “spencer, i don’t care about your relationship status anymore. i know you remember what i said to you at nyu, so i know that you know i don’t feel that way about you anymore,” i don’t even care the blake is in the room with us anymore, “i’m not in love with you, so if you’re trying to make me jealous with your little girlfriend in the hopes that i’ll get upset and reveal something then you’re barking up the wrong tree, i’m not the mole. i don’t have anything to hide.”

“i’m not trying to make you jealous,” he croaks, “even if i wanted to i couldn’t, because she’s dead.”

oh. so that’s why he was acting so out of character.

“what happened?”

“stalker, shot herself and maeve right in front of me.”

maeve. what a pretty name, the mystery woman i’d been so desperate to know about when jj first mentioned her on the phone. that was so long ago now, i hadn’t felt jealous of her in a long time. i was grateful for that, i didn’t want to be jealous of a dead woman.

i hadn’t lied to spencer when i said i wasn’t in love with him anymore. i would always have a soft spot for him in my heart, but i wasn’t in love with him. i’d been slowly piecing myself back together for the past year and a half, as my feelings for spencer faded i felt better, and stronger.

i felt more confident than i had in a long time, because i wasn’t constantly competing for his attention or comparing myself to the women he preferred. i once felt like spencer and i were tied together like planets orbiting the sun, but that was never a true representation of our relationship because he was my sun, the light and center of my life.

and to him i was just one of many trapped in his orbit. i let my love for him burn and keep me warm for years, but you can have too much of a good thing i was blinded by that love. eventually, you have to learn to keep yourself warm. eventually the eclipse will pass.

“when?”

“a couple of months ago.”

i sigh and lean back in my chair, “why are you telling me this spencer?”

spencer isn’t look at me anymore and for once i don’t mind.

“alex, could you give us a minute?” he asks, she hesitates for a moment, “please.”

eventually she nods, gets up and leaves. spencer takes her seat.

i pick at my nails, “so now you want to sit down, huh?”

“don’t be like that.”

“oh i’m sorry, have i been rude to you?” i scoff, “are you not the one who has been unprofessional and-”

“i shouldn’t need to be professional with my friends!”

“are we even friends anymore, spencer?”

he shrugs and looks down at his lap. i see the dark circles rimming his eyes, the hollowness in his face, the tangles in his hair. he looks rough. his chapped lips, his pale skin, his bruised knuckles, he looks ill.

“why did you barge into my interview? blake wasn’t going to ask me anything you didn’t already know the answer to.”

“i wanted to see if you’d about your transfer, and you did-”

“spencer, i don’t know why you have this fixation on why i left, but if you want me to say it so badly then fine. i left because of you, is that what you wanted to hear? are you happy now?”

i wait for the tears to well up in my eyes but they don’t come. i can’t tell if that’s a good thing or not.

“do you think i would be happy about you leaving because of me?” his voice cracks, “i learned recently what rejection can do to a person, i guess i wanted to see if-”

“if what? your rejection drove me to become a terrorist?” i snort, “jesus fucking christ spencer, i’d have hoped you had more faith in me than that.”

my heart begins to soften when i see the tears in his eyes. that fucking soft spot.

“with maeve…” tears begin to stream down his face and it’s several minutes before he can bring himself to speak, “maeve rejected a phd student’s thesis, and it drove her crazy. she stalked, kidnapped and eventually killed them both, and that was just a thesis rejection.”

he holds his head and his hands and cries, i stand up from my chair and shuffle round the desk, bending down i wrap my arms around him.

“i’m not a profiler anymore, but you’re upset and i think you’re projecting your feelings about maeve’s death onto me.”

he shakes his head, “she was the love of my life, i wanted to spend forever with her and she’s gone. i’m not upset, i’m devastated,” i wipe the tears streaming down his skeletal cheeks, “and i am projecting my feelings, but not about this.”

“spencer, i-”

“no, let me finish, please,” he whimpers, “i’ve been thinking about you, even before maeve died, since that day at nyu and i don’t think i’ve been a good friend to you, i should’ve noticed your feelings sooner. and i shouldn’t have made you listen to my feelings about jj all those years, it wasn’t fair-”

“you don’t need to apologise, you didn’t know-”

“but i should’ve! you were right in front of my nose and i never noticed,” he looks up at me with his tear-filled eyes, “i think i could’ve learned to love you, if i’d had the chance.”

my blood runs cold and i drop my arms from their embrace around him, slowly backing away, “learned to love me?” i repeat, “i don’t want you to have to have force yourself to love me, who would want that?”

“wait, no i’m sorry. i just meant that-”

“i’m finally over you spencer,” i cry, “i spent years putting back together what you broke, and now you come to my job and tell me that you could’ve learned to love me? no. that’s not fair spencer, i deserve someone who loves me without having to try, i don’t need your pity or your fake love.”

i turn on my heel and storm towards the door, spencer leaps to his feet and follows me, crying out his apologies the whole way. i ignore him, because what else does he expect me to say?

i’ve worked so hard to put my life back together, and now he wants to shatter me like glass over again? he wants to sit in front of me, in my fucking office, and tell me that if he’d profiled me a little bit harder then we could be together right now?

i think i could’ve learned to love you.  

somehow the words hurt more than his rejection.

i swing open my door, hotch is standing in the doorway.

“we got the mole.”

“who was it?” spencer asks, evidently having pulled himself together long enough respond to hotch.

“an agent jermey cole,” hotch says hesitantly, his eyes flickering between us, “were you two close?”

“not anymore,” i say, mocking spencer’s earlier words as i shoot a glare back at him, “we only dated for a few months, i broke up with him when he started acting strange...”

“strange how?” hotch questions.

“weird phone calls in the middle of the night, hiding his texts from me, coming home late…god i was so stupid. i thought he was cheating on me.”

 hotch places a reassuring hand on my shoulder, “it’s not your fault, that was a far more reasonable assumption than guessing he was part of a terrorist cell. but we caught him before he could do any real damage, i have to go and call the director. i was just coming to tell reid we’re heading back to the jet now.”

hotch nods at spencer and walks away, pulling his phone from his pocket as he enters fitz’s office.

“i didn’t know you were dating anyone,” spencer whispered.

“yeah,” i spit, “guess you could say i was learning to love him.”

i leave spencer standing in the doorway to my office.

i think i could’ve learned to love you.

his words sting, and they definitely make me angry. but there’s a satisfaction in knowing that they don’t make me fall apart. i love spencer, but i’m not in love with him, and this erases any doubts i had about that fact. had he said those words to me a year ago, i’d have been crumbling to pieces in his arms.

but now i feel like honey and glass.

it’s been two years since i saw spencer.

it’s been two years since i saw anyone on the team, jj sends me pictures of the boys sometimes, but even we aren’t the same as we used to be. and i think i’m okay with that.

fitz and i make a good team, we run the counter terrorism division like well oiled machine and people don’t die. he’s my best friend now, and i don’t need anyone else.

not in my personal life at least. but professionally, we’re at a dead end on this case and if we don’t act now then people will die. fitz and i only work so well as a team because we know when to make the hard calls.

for me, the hardest call was when i had to pick up my phone and ask agent hotchner for his help tracking down a serial bomber who was targeting busy tourist spots around the city.

it’s been two, peaceful years since i saw anyone from the bau, and now they’re standing next to me, clad in bullet proof vests and surrounded by s.w.a.t agents as we approach grand central station, one of the most frequented areas in the city.

this was his endgame.

the n.y.p.d are working on evacuating the station, and all incoming trains have been rerouted. the bomb squad are getting anxious, they don’t like waiting around like this, but there isn’t much they can do when the unsub has the bomb strapped to his chest.

fitz is trying to talk him down, but i can see the unsub getting angrier and angrier with every second, he’s going to blow us all up.

“we need to do something,” i hiss to hotch.

we’re standing at the very edge of the station by the entrances, ready to sprint out if he decides to detonate. only i can’t leave fitz, i didn’t want to let him to go and talk to the bomber and i tried to fight my way towards them but hotch told me i could either stay with him and follow his orders or i could go back to headquarters. i begrudgingly chose the former.

“well we can’t shoot him, he has a manual and biomechanical trigger – if the heart rate monitor detects that his has heart stops beating the bomb will arm automatically, our only chance is if fitz can talk him down.”

i tap my foot, “he shouldn’t even be the one negotiating, he has a wife now and a kid on the way, if he dies that baby is gonna grow up without a dad,” I clench my fists so hard my nails dig into my palms and draw blood, “if i die, the only person i’m going to hurt is myself, but i’ll be dead so it won’t matter.”

“i can’t let you go over there-” hotch begins.

i look over at fitz, standing several feet away from the bomber with his hands in the air. i imagine telling his wife that her husband has been blown to pieces, i imagine her going through labour alone, i imagine his kid growing up and asking why everyone has a daddy apart from them.

“no you can’t, but you also can’t stop me,” i say, shoving my gun back into its holster and taking my first few steps towards the unsub.

hotch is hissing something at me but i don’t hear him because everything happens so fast after that. something in the unsubs body language shifts, and before i know it i’m being blown backwards by a searing hot force.

every window in the building shatters, and i land in a pile of glass, the shards tearing at my skin as a try and push myself to my feet. my head is aching, and everything blurs in front of me, but i can tell from the acrid smell and orange glow that half the building is on fire. i pat myself down, searching for any pieces of shrapnel or glass embedded in my body, i don’t feel penetrating wounds but when i hold my hands up above my face my fingers are slick with blood.

my vision is so blurry, and i can’t hear a thing over the ringing in my ears. spencer’s face appears in front of my eyes, his lips are moving but i still can’t hear a word. the ringing is overwhelming and black spots are beginning to appear across my vision.

i want to go to sleep.

my eyes flutter shut.

i think someone is shaking me.

the ringing is too much.

when i begin to float back to consciousness, the ringing is gone and is replaced with a consistent beeping. my body is aching, and i groan as i try and sit myself up because my arms don’t want to cooperate with me. when i look down i see they’re wrapped up tightly in bandages.

“hey, don’t try and move yet,” a voice says, “you have a concussion, the doctor says you’ll be okay but groggy for a while.”

the voice shifts into view, its spencer. his face is twisted with worry and he’s biting at his nail, “how do you feel?”

“like i was hit by a train,” i cough, “what happened?”

his face drops, “you don’t remember?”

i try to shake my head but it hurts to try and move, “bits and pieces, did n.y.p.d get everyone out?”

he nods, “yeah, your team did a good job,” he shifts towards me and takes a seat on the bed next to me, “but there’s something else-”

“god, my head really hurts, can they give me any pain meds?”

“yeah, i’m sure they can, i’ll ask a nurse in a minute,” he says softly, “but i have some bad news…it’s agent fitz-”

“no. no, no, no,” the tears start to burn in my eyes and my vision is blurrier than it was immediately after the explosion, “don’t say it, please don’t say it,” i plead.

he takes my hand, “okay, i won’t.”

the tears are streaming down my face i can’t bring myself to wipe them away, my body aches as it’s racked with sobs. spencer doesn’t say anything, he just squeezes my hand and takes out a handkerchief to dry away my tears.

“d-does his wife know?” i finally manage to choke out.

“yeah, hotch spoke to her.”

gemma was a lovely woman, i don’t know how i can face her again when the guilt flooding my body tells me that this is my fault. fitz is dead, and it should’ve been me.

“this isn’t fair,” i croak.

“i know, it’s never fair. but he saved so many people-”

“no. i mean it’s not fucking fair because he never should’ve been in that position in the first place, if i’d just gotten there sooner then he never would’ve tried to negotiate, it should’ve been me.”

through my own tears i think i see spencer’s eyes turn red and glassy, he shakes his head and grips onto my hand so tightly it hurts, if i had the energy i’d tell him to loosen his grip but i can’t make myself speak.

“i know what its like to have someone you love die right in front of you,” he says, and from the pain in his voice i know he isn’t lying and i know he’s talking about maeve, “i know what its like to feel that guilt and wish it was you instead but-”

“do you think we’re cursed spencer?”

“what do you mean?”

i close my eyes, “bad things seem to happen to us more than anyone else i know, we’ve both been kidnapped, drugged, tortured, known the agony of unrequited love, had someone we love killed in front of our eyes…how am i supposed to have any faith in life when we’re just bombarded with trauma and pain every single day?”

spencer opens his mouth to speak but he falters, i can only recall one other occasion where i’ve seen spencer speechless. it’s not a sight that i ever want to see again, he looks so lost as he stares down at me and i know that he doesn’t know what to say.

morgan pops his head around the door, “glad to see you’re awake,” he says.

i smile weakly at him before tilting my head away, i don’t need anyone else seeing me cry.

“sorry kid, but hotch wants wheels up in thirty, we need to get a move on.”

“yeah, i’ll be two minutes.”

my heart sinks in my chest because i realise that spencer’s hand is still intertwined with mine and i know that my heart will break when he pulls his away. i shakily raise my hand to dry my eyes, spencer has to go now, and i need to dry my own eyes from now on.

“i’m sorry,” he whispers, “i don’t want to leave you but-”

“it’s okay, spencer,” i say, shifting my head back so i can see his face again.

his honey and glass eyes are boring into mine, and in that moment, we are connected by our mutual pain, and maybe something deeper that i can’t quite discern.

“you could come back with me,” he says hopefully.

i shake my head, “you know i can’t spencer,” i squeeze his hand lightly, “you go, i’ll be okay.”

i can’t go with him because i think i know what his eyes are asking me and i can’t open myself up to something like that right now. i can’t disregard the last five years that i have spent re-building myself just for something that i may be reading too much into.

he lets go of my hand and an involuntary shiver runs through my body, i had grown so accustomed to our brief skin to skin contact and now that it’s gone i feel like i’m missing a part of myself.

“i’m so sorry, about everything-”

“it’s okay spencer, i’m starting to think that we aren’t meant to have a happily ever after.”

he doesn’t say anything else; he just presses a gentle kiss against my forehead before he skirts of the room.

i lie motionless in my hospital bed, the nurse comes in to administer some pain meds and i almost wished she hadn’t because at least the pounding in my head and stinging from my cuts meant i could feel something.

without spencer, the room is colder. i thought that having my own, personal sun was a bad thing because i thought that being strong and independent meant never relying on anyone for anything. i realise now that being strong means knowing when to when to depend on others.

i wish fitz were here, he would know exactly what to say.

i feel like rotten honey and shattered glass.

i’m not surprised by the look of shock that spreads across his face when he swings open the door to see me standing in the hallway. i open my mouth to speak but i realise i never figured out what to say. i had two cab journeys, a flight, a decade of loving him and i still don’t know what to say.

he must see something on my face because his own stony expression softens, and he reaches out a hand.

“what made you change your mind?”

it’s warm against my own, still freezing from the bitter, winter wind.

“i realised i was wrong, i thought if i ran straight back into your arms it would ruin all the years i spent sticking myself back together. before you were oxygen to me, and i couldn’t live without you. now i know that i can, i just don’t want to.”

he squeezes my hand, pulling me towards him. i’m in his apartment.

“you told me once that you still love me, but you aren’t in love with me. is that still true?”

i nod, “yes, but i don’t think that you’re in love with me either. yet,” i wink at him and he grins, “i don’t need to learn how to love you, i already know how to do that. i just need to be persuaded to fall in love with you again.”

he takes a step closer to me, “persuaded how?”

i snake my arms around his neck and his lips brush against mine, “like this.”

i press my lips against his and i don’t feel fireworks or butterflies or a gravitational pull, i just feel at home. i don’t need a happily ever after beacuse he is enough.

he tastes like coffee and i feel like honey and glass.

as usual i have finished this super late at night and havent proof read at all so pls ignore any grammar/spelling mistakes - also aware that the timeline in this probably doesn't align with canon cos i have no clue how far apart certain events happened so ive made some educated guesses. 

i never planned for honey and glass to have a part 2 but i wrote one due to all the requests i got so i’m sorry if the plot isnt the best because i didnt really know where to take it. i’m definitely not as happy with this as i was with part one but i still hope you enjoy it!

taglist:

@mggswhorificlover @doctorthreephds @minami97 @bisexualwomanofcolour @ashwarren32 @bangisbae @haylaansmi @heyy-itsharley03 @starjane312 @awesometheydontknowiamhere @radtwinkie @allexthakatt @spencereidshoe @mgglover @spideyr3id

@cloudyskylines @pastelvixenbeauty @hatemyselfbutitsokay @writingwithnotime @awkwxrdmarauders

ive tagged anyone who commented on part 1 or liked my posts about a part 2 so im sorry if you didnt want to be tagged, if ur name is scored through then i tried to tag you but it wouldnt let me x

#spencer reid #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid x reader #criminal minds #criminal minds imagines #spencer reid angst #hurt and comfort #spencer reid headcanons

[ssa-atlas-alvez]

Hello!! Could i request in some Penelope Garcia x Male!Reader where the reader would be Derek's little brother and absolutely head over heels in love with Penny, but hiding it from Derek because he is afraid what Derek might think?

Hey, sorry this took a little while, I hope you like it!!

Word count: 1500ish

Warnings: None that I can think of?

Being Derek Morgan’s younger brother definitely had it’s perks, for instance, none of the high school bullies would even look your way with a brother like Derek. You were three years younger than him, but his reputation had you covered through the entirety of your highschool career. Well, it was a mix of your brother and your sister's reputation if you were being honest. Although Derek likes to believe its all his doing. It's always quite amusing when Sarah calls him out on his 'bullshit' as she always puts it.

You had taken two weeks off from a corporate job you hated to stay in Virginia and see your brother. You figured he was always going to California to visit, you figured it was about time you went to him. The two of you were close growing up and that hadn’t faded too much as adults, you’d like to think. So you’d booked the time off work, booked a hotel, and decided not to tell him. You knew he’d probably have a case anyway but it would be a nice surprise while it lasted.

You had dumped your luggage in your hotel room first before heading over to your brother’s place of work. The hotel room was nice enough, a double bed with a bedside table either side. The bed itself was nice, it had a white bed cover with a deep purple throw at the bottom. A desk on the far wall with a view out of the window. It had a dark wooden floor, an oak wardrobe. All in all, not too bad.

After scoping out the room you heading back into your car, turning on the radio before beginning to make your way to the FBI Headquarters. “Siri, call Penelope Garica,”

"Hello, oracle of all knowledge, how may I assist thee?"

"Well, I was wondering if Derek was on a case?"

"My chocolate thunder?" Penelope's voice sounded through your phone. "Nope, he's in the office doing some paperwork,"

"Good, I'm on my way to you now," You reply. You'd messaged Penelope a few weeks ago informing her that you were going to be staying there for a few weeks.

“Hey, Stud Muffin,” Penelope greeted as you walked out of the elevator. You give her a grin.

“Hey, Penelope,” You chime, “Have you seen Derek anywhere? He doesn’t know I’m here, I thought I’d give him a nice surprise,”

“Well, my handsome, your brother is currently out on a coffee run,” Penelope said, “You should stick around, he should be back in a few anyway. You can come and sit with me in my office if you want!”

You gave a nod, hoping she couldn’t tell how nervous you felt. You see, you’ve had a crush on The Penelope Garcia for the last God knows how long. You had desperately tried to hide it from the moment you started developing feelings. Trying to squish them down, you were pretty sure she didn’t feel the same way about you and even if she did - she was Derek’s coworker and close friend. It was one of the unspoken rules: don’t date your siblings' friends. And you weren't about to break that rule. Not without your brother's permission anyway. And you doubted that you actually had the balls to do that anytime soon.

"Do you know how long he'll be?" You asked as you followed her to her batcave. "Not- Not that I don't want to sit with you,"

Garcia gave you a smile as she continued walking, "Don't worry, I know you love me, Hot Stuff," She said with a smile, "He left about five minutes ago but Spencer ordered a fancy double espresso and Derek always get confused about my order, so about another ten minutes?"

You nodded. Ten minutes you could last ten minutes without crumbling and confessing your undying love. Jesus, undying love? 'When did I become that sappy?' You asked yourself mentally rolling your eyes.

"Baby girl," Derek announced, around ten minutes later, walking into her batcave with her coffee.

"Thank you my chocolate thunder!" Penelope cheered and turned round. You couldn't help but smile at her happiness. As you turned around with her.

"Surprise,"

"(Y/N)!" Derek grinned, pulling you into an embrace, "What are you doing here?"

"I can go if you want," You offered cheekily.

With a roll of his eyes, Derek continued, "Why didn't you tell me you were gonna be here?"

"For the surprise, duh, it isn't a surprise if you know about it," You sassed.

"How long are you staying for?"

"About two weeks,"

"Come on, let's go tell the rest of the team you're here," Derek said. Penelope grinned, grabbing your hand to lead you there. God you hoped your hands were clammy. You also hoped that Derek (or anyone else) wouldn't pick up up on your little crush for Miss Garcia.

"Look who it is!" Emily grinned seeing Penelope pull you into the bullpen, you gave them all a small wave. "How have you been?"

"Alright I suppose, being Derek's brother is always tiring,"

"I can imagine," Emily laughed.

"Tiring enough working with him," JJ joined in.

"Alright, alright," Derek chuckled, before turning to you, "I have to go to a meeting, but we will talk as soon as I get out okay? We'll think up some plans, alright?"

You gave a short nod, sitting yourself down at Derek’s desk whilst he walked off to attend his meeting. You were tempted to rearrange everything - knowing it would annoy him when he got back. Deciding to go for it, you swapped the pen at his desk with one from the bottom drawer, you turned the first page of the file he was working on upside down. And then, just for good measure, you unscrewed the light bulb of his desk lamp and hid it in his bottom drawer.

“You up to mischief?” Rossi asked, you looked up seeing the familiar Italian man and beamed.

“Not if you’re going to tell Derek,” You grinned.

“Of course not,” Rossi said, placing his hands in the air. “Just wanted to let you know he’s very particular about the way his monitor is tilted,” Your grin widened, and messed around with the screen for a second before leaning back, proud of your work. They seemed like simple things, but they would annoy your brother when he realised.

"Hey (Y/N)," Spencer acknowledged as he walked into the bullpen, "When did you get here?"

Derek walked out of the meeting around twenty minutes later, “Come on, let’s go somewhere to work out what we could do for your stay,” Derek said, leading you to the round table room.

"About twenty minutes ago?" You said. "I think,"

Eventually, you both had sorted out a rough schedule, drinks tonight, binge watching die hard tomorrow, Rossi’s family cooking lesson that Tuesday, then drinks again on Wednesday, depending on Derek’s case workload. And you could sort out the rest after Wednesday.

“Alright, well, I shall leave you to your work,” You said with a tight grin, making your way to the door.

“Pump the brakes,” Derek said as you tried to walk past him, you sigh and stop, turning to him.

“Yes?”

“What’s going on with you?”

“Me?” You asked, pointing to yourself, “Nothing’s going on with me,”

“I don’t need to be a profiler to know you’re lying, (Y/N),”

You let out a groan as you sat down in one of the chair, “Okay, fine,” You huff, “I’ll tell you, but no questions or comments until the end,”

“Okay,” Derek said, rolling his eyes slightly.

“Don’t - Don’t laugh or anything, I would never do anything because she’s your friend and I’m not that sort of brother,” You rambled before forcing yourself to take a deep breath. "I'm pretty sure I'm in love with Penelope,"

Derek's eyebrows shoot up, he battles to fight off the smirk that begins to grow, followed by the chuckle. "That's what's got you so nervous?" When you nod he continued, "I don't care if you date The Miss Penelope Garcia. In fact I encourage it. All I have had to hear from her is how cute she thinks you are. For the love of all things holy please, just ask the woman out,"

"You're not mad?"

"Why would I be mad?"

"She's your friend," You state.

"And?" Derek asked.

"And I didn't want you- I was… Nervous… about what you'd think,"

"Honestly?" Derek asked, when you nodded, he continued. "I think you're great together. If you got together I'd be happy for you. If you hurt her, I'd definitely smack you. If she hurts you, I'd maybe give her the cold shoulder for the day,"

"So we're good?" You asked, Derek rolled his eyes with a fond smile, patting your shoulder.

"We'll always be good," He said, "Now, go ask her out."

(She said yes)

#criminal minds #criminal minds fanfiction #Spencer reid #derek morgan #penelope garcia #david rossi #jj #jennifer jareau #I keep rereading this worried it isn't good #So im just gonna schedule it #And hope for the best #Lmao

[perfectly-imperfect82]

Break in- Tierna

I had just made it to my hallway to my apartment after dinner with a few teammates.

As I made it to my door and put my key into the lock to unlock my door, I realized it was unlocked. I could have sworn I locked it before I left.

I continued my walk into the my apartment but a movement caused my blood to run cold and before I knew it I shoved to the ground. My back hitting the ground hard and who every it was took off running down the hall.

I could hear the blood rushing in my ears as I sat up in shock. Jumping when I felt someone's hand on my shoulder.

"(Y/n) are you okay, what happen?" She asked, the noise probably causing her to look.

"I think I was robbed. I came home at the wrong time" I mumbled in a daze as I stared at my apartment and it was easy to see my apartment was trashed.

Everything else seemed to happen fast. My neighbors call the police once we were safely back in her apartment, I texted my girlfriend, the police arrived and I told them what I could as they looked at my apartment.

That's when Tierna arrived, looking stressed and panicked until she saw me. Both of us visibly relaxing once we saw each other.

She quick rushed over and pulled me into a tight hug before releasing me and scanning over my body, looking for injuries

"I'm not hurt" I replied hoping she would believe me, knowing my back was already stiff from hitting the ground.

I could tell she didn't believe me but wasn't going to push it at the moment.

"Let me grab some of your things, then we will go back to my place" Tierna said as I gave a nod she gave me a worried look before she quickly went to gather my things.

She was back quickly, placing an arm my waist as she placed a kiss to my temple as she lead me to her apartment.

The ride to the apartment was quiet as she held my hand. Then guiding me into her apartment.

I was still in a daze as she gently laid me in her bed, joining me as she pulled me her. Rubbing circles on my back.

That was when everything hit me and I started crying. Tierna held me and whispered soothing words until I feel asleep. ———————————- 2 weeks had pass since the break in and we were now at camp. I had been jumpy then normal the pass few weeks and I could tell Julie and Alyssa were concern but not pushing it. Tierra has been there for me the whole time and with her around I felt more safe.

We were currently all in Megan and Ash room hanging out and catching up.

I felt my phone start to vibrate. I saw it was my landlord and excused myself before heading to the hallway.

I was getting frustrated with my landlord. He wasn't letting me out of my lease, even if I was willing to pay a fee. We had been arguing and not making anywhere.

"I want out of the lease. Your security system fail and someone broke into my apartment" I said irritated with my landlord. We had been arguing over this for two weeks now.

"Your apartment got broken into and you didn't say anything!" Julie exclaimed causing my eyes to widen as I turned around and found her standing in the hallway with me.

I had intentionally not told anyone besides Tierna for a reason. The veterans were very protective of the younger ones, especially my Chicago teammates Julie and Alyssa.

I quickly hung up on my landlord, I can deal with him later.

"Hey, Julie. Didn't see you there" I said awkwardly rubbing the back of my neck

"Is it true?" Julie said looking at me

"Is what true?" Kelley asked as she peaked out the hotel door

"Nothing Kelley" I said looking at her a I looked back a Julie who looked like she was connecting the dots based on my reaction.

I watched hurt cross her face before she stormed into the hotel room past Kelley as I followed.

I watched as she went directly to Tierna who looked panic and confused as she looked between us.

"Alyssa, we need to have a chat with Tierna and (y/n)" Julie said as she looked more calm but still upset as Alyssa looked confused but nodded standing up.

"Julie" I said almost pleading her to stop

"What's going on?" Carli said looking between all of us since the whole team was waiting to figure out what was happening.

I looked at Tierna and gave her a defeated look, knowing there was no way to hide it now that everyone knows something is up.

"Julie overheard my argument with my landlord  about trying to get out of my lease for my apartment because someone broke into it" I said taking my seat next to Tierna as she instantly wrap arm around my waist and pulling me closer to her, knowing that I didn't like talking about it

"Why didn't you tell us?" Alyssa asked with an hurt expression that matched Julie while everyone wore worried.

"I didn't want to worry anyone" I said looking away from them

"We are always going to worry about you" Julie said

"That what we do. We all worry about each other, but especially about you younger ones" Ali said as I gave a small smile.

"Please tell me, you haven't been staying there alone" Becky said with concern

"No, I haven't step foot in that apartment since I caught the person. I've been saying with Tierna" I said said but instantly regretting what I said.  

"You were home!"julie nearly yelled, instantly looking me over

"Yes, but she is okay" Tierna said hoping to calm the older women down as she tighten her grip slightly on me.

"Only got knocked down" I said moving out of Tierna arms and next to Julie who instantly pulled me into a hug to which Alyssa joined

"You should have told us" Julie whispered to me as she pulled me closer

"I know, next time I won't hide it. I'll be honest from the start"

"I hope there isn't a next time" Alyssa said pulling away

That when I felt my phone vibrate again

"Shit, I hung up on him" I said as I pulled out my phones and read the message, a smiling appearing on my face.

"Who is it?" Emily asked

"My landlord"

"Well what did he say?" Tierna asked with curio express, knowing about my ongoing fight with him and they I usually look annoyed when reading a message from him.

A huge small made its way to my face as I looked at her "looks like you are getting a permanent new roommate"and I watched as smile made its way on to her face as she pulled me into a hug then kiss that was interrupted by coughing by Julie as everyone else laughed.

"Love you" I whispered, pulling away from her as she whispered it back with a huge smile.

"Look at the babies of the team adulting" Emily said with a smirk as the rest of us rolled our eyes, while Tierna pulls me to her and rested her chin on my shoulder as she held me close to her

#uswnt imagine #uswnt x reader #uswnt imagines #uswnt #tierna davidson #tierna davidson x reader

[writing-in-april]

Tiny Vessels

Spencer Reid x Gender Neutral Reader (Spencer’s POV)

Summary: Spencer is done trying to lie to himself about his true feelings in his relationship, but not done lying to Reader.

A/N: IM BACK!!! So as y’all know I got really sick towards the end of my 30 fics in 30 days event- I’m still going to release the last few fics I missed (and we’re all just gonna pretend it’s still April 😂) this one was requested by @zhuzhubii it’s actually my second song fic and is based on the song tiny vessels. I’m actually super proud of this one and I’m happy to get back into the swing of things with writing 🥰 Also my 1500 follower celebration will likely wait until I finish up the backlog of fics so I don’t overwhelm myself! Feel free to leave me an ask here (I promise I don’t bite) Thanks for reading and hope you enjoy!

Warnings: 18+, Toxic relationship, Lying about feelings and intentions, Brief illusions to sex, Using someone only for their body

Main Masterlist Word Count: 1.3k

The moment I knew, had been a long time coming. It had been just after post coital bliss had faded around me, reality creeping in on the sides as it tried to take hold of me. It had been trying to tell me something, something I had denied for so long. No amount of tossing and turning would banish the slowly creeping in thoughts that attempted to plague my mind. If I had turned and tossed anymore, my partner right beside me would ask what was wrong, and I knew I couldn’t answer it. At least I couldn’t answer it honestly without tearing down what we had built up for ourselves. I never had much that I say I built myself, and even though the foundation was about to cave in, I wouldn’t take the sledgehammer to it myself.

I remember when I told them the first time I told them ‘I love you’. It had been an almost identical situation to where we were now. Two people, naked underneath the sheets, so close physically yet so far emotionally, though I covered that up with my honeyed words of promise.

I always wanted to believe the words I spoke to them, the promises I gave them. Each time I choked out the words, dripping in sentiment and sap I tricked them, and myself into believing them.

Unlike my counterpart I couldn’t fully escape into ignorant bliss. They didn’t know, but I knew deep down everytime I burst open their door after coming home from a rough case. We moved through the dark almost every time, as it was the only time I was available, and it hid my pained expressions pretty well.

All the friends I was telling about our relationship were even convinced too, though I could see a sneaking suspicion crop up in Emily’s eyes every once and a while when I mentioned them. I didn’t tell them the reality, the one that I avoided myself.

It was all for the flesh, nothing of substance lurked underneath, at least for me. Every bite I gave them left a mark, tiny vessels able to be seen creeping up on their skin even in the dark. I claimed them even if I didn’t let them be mine; they could never claim me. They had said they didn’t want those marks to fade, but they inevitably did, showing how hollow my words had been before I nipped at their skin. Once I realized how they faded, how non committed the marks were on their skin, I faded too. I still indulged in the pleasures they freely wanted to give me, but I let my words remain hollow, accepting their meaning without admitting it out loud.

And you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me.

Their beauty was unparalleled, it always had been to me. Time and realization had not changed that thought in my mind, though I had lied to myself about the depth of those thoughts. Every brushed touch against their body sent me into a blaze, though it took too long for me to admit that that was the only thing about them I thought about at night.

Their giggle did not make my chest feel light, and our conversations that edged on deep discussions only stimulated my mind because I forced it. Their moans and the softness of their skin were what made me call them at the dead of night, masking it by saying ‘I missed you’. I would then inevitably pivot away from talking about our feelings so I could hear their moans through the speaker of my old phone I only kept around for work, and to call them.

All I see are dark grey clouds now, ruining whatever utopia I had crafted in my mind once I had come to conclude what my real feelings were. If I was honest with myself, it had been lingering at the back of my mind for months now. By now the lie was too hard to escape, and their body felt too good underneath me to let go.

It was vile, and it was cheap of me to trick them for so long into believing that the words whispered into their skin in the dead of night held any true emotion. A kiss on their bare shoulder with a soft rasp of how much they meant to me. Kisses that had been given along the slopes of their pretty face with little whispers of ‘I love you’ in between before I had met their lips with mine.

Another kiss, the last one placed on their forehead given to them after I had promised to bring them the world. And they were all vile, and cheap lies.

Yeah, you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me

My thoughts swirled as I continued to stare at them, boring holes into their skin just from my gaze. Guilt nipped at my heels each time another harsh reality tried to slap me across the face, trying to get me to stop trapping them in something I already knew was hollow at its core. Denial was easy when no one else was calling me out for it; something in me almost wanted them to say it, to leave so I would be able to stop living this pathetic lie.

At some point they had sensed my eyes on their body, then looking over at me. Their lips turned downward into a frown, probably after successfully reading the expression on my face. Normally whenever I fixed my gaze on them it was out of admiration, unfortunately if I was going to be honest with myself, it was never because of what lies beneath. I couldn’t force myself to look any deeper than their body.

Too bad being a profiler hadn’t given me the ability to be a good liar, and I wondered if they had figured out long ago that my promises intermingled with kisses were a thinly veiled lie. Maybe they were lying to themselves still.

In the distance, my guilt moved closer every hour.

It would soon swallow me up whole, consuming me when they asked a simple question, “Is something wrong?”

My breath got caught up tight in my chest, my shame welling up so high up it stole my voice for a moment. In the moment that passed, they cocked their head to the side in question innocently. It was almost as if they were mocking the feelings eating at me, showing me how much I was missing by not developing true feelings for them. Damn, right there’s something wrong, but I won’t speak it out loud to let you know.

I felt disgusted with myself, and all I could wonder is if they felt the same way as I did. Wondering did nothing to ease the guilt inside, even as I tried to justify what I was doing.

It would be easier in some regards to come clean about what I was doing, to face the guilt head on. I was a creature of habit however, and hiding in the corners of my mind was one of the things I did best.

So, no we won’t talk about it, because I wouldn’t tell them. I leaned forward to kiss them on the lips, another promise to never let them go that was filled with nothing but lies. The kiss seemed to banish any worry that they still held in the crease of their forehead, their head was now cocked to the side to slant their lips across mine instead.

It was our last kiss of the night, before they went back to their own apartment tonight. My hands roamed up their sides, mapping out every dip and curve with my fingers. It was what I really cherished about them, even if it did make me sick on the inside. Though, I didn’t feel sick enough to say anything more, and I let them go, both of us pretending that it was something more. And, the only reason we were allowed to pretend was because I would not divulge the true reason I gave them those tiny vessels on their neck.

Ask Me Anything

—-

Tag lists (fill out this form to join):

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All works: @shotarosleftpinky @90spumkin @kyra-morningstar @spenxerslut @boxofsparklingmuses @multixfandomwriter @takeyourleap-of-faith @sydneekomspacekru

All MGG characters: @muffin-cup @willowrose99 @princesssmooshie @peterpanouat @anaagraceeberr @ashcakes1918 @reid-me-a-story @cosmic-psychickitty @nomajdetective @go2sleepdummy

Spencer Reid/CM: @calm-and-doctor @destiny-tsukino @safertokiss @slutforthegubes @onlyhereforthefanfics @jareauswifey @princesssmooshie @peterpanouat

#spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid smut #spencer reid angst #spencer reid fanfic #criminal minds #criminal minds x reader #matthew gray gubler #matthew gray gubler x reader #mgg #mgg x reader #30 fics in 30 days

[drmmyrs]

Remember Me (Becca x MC)

So, weird story. I was randomly browsing tumblr one time when this ask pops out at the top of the screen (req about amnesia au Becca’s POV). It wasn’t even related to anything I was reading but checked my inbox and it wasn’t there. Most probably the ask isn’t for me but still wrote it just in case 😅

PS if someone DID send me this ask, kindly drop me a message just so I know I’m not seeing things 😭

PPS I’m trying out a new writing style and I’m not sure if it’s any good so I’d really appreciate any feedback 🥺 (this will be a mini series too, I think, since the angst potential is definitely there 😂)

PPPS title is inspired from the song in Coco just cause I’ve been playing it a lot on piano recently

tag list: @whackawriting @samanthadalton @crazzyplays @uselesslesbianfr @baexpoppy @alexroyard @alexlabhont @veenast @noixngn @sillyandcutewizardstuffs (If you wanna be added or removed or just prefer a certain ship just let me know ❤️)

Pairing: Becca x MC (Emily)

Word Count: 2090

I don't remember what happened, nor know where I am, but I hear shouting, lots of it. I try to move, but my body feels completely numb; the only thing I can feel is the trickle of liquid that splatters across my face. Rain? I open my eyes strenuously, but all I can see past my blurry vision are brown eyes glistening with tears. I can't quite make out her face, but for some reason, seeing her cry sends a flurry of emotions that hurt more than my throbbing head. I try to open my mouth, hoping to provide comfort somehow, but no words come out. She is saying something over and over again, something about leaving? But my head hurts too much to be able to comprehend. A siren then blares from a distance, growing louder by the second as flashes of red cloud my vision. And that is when everything turns black.

I slowly open my eyes–still reeling from the nightmare that somehow felt too real–and harsh, blinding lights immediately greet me. I hastily shut my eyes back and suddenly become well aware of the ache engulfing my entire body. It isn't before long that I realize that someone is holding my hand, tracing lazy circles against my skin ever so often. I try to move it but only manage to lift a finger, and at once, the grip tightens and becomes still for a moment before I hear a voice– How can a voice sound so familiar... yet so strange? It's saying my name, urgent and gentle at the same time as though I might break at any second. I try to open my eyes, but exhaustion grips me powerless. And soon, I succumb to its fiery grasp as I slip back into slumber.

When I wake up again, I already feel much stronger than before. The ache in my body has turned into a dull hum as if sharp nails are gently caressing my skin, enough to be felt but not to hurt. I look around the room, panic swelling in my chest as I take in the sight of different medical equipment looming around my bed and needles sticking out of my arm. I fight the urge to squirm as I take big, calming breaths, ignoring how the four white walls seem to close in on me. Thankfully, the door opens, and a nurse walks in, temporarily distracting me from my distress. She smiles upon seeing me awake and walks towards me.

"Welcome back, Ms. Davenport. How are you feeling?"

"W–where am I?" I ask weakly.

"In the hospital. A month ago, you were involved in a car crash, and your head was hurt pretty badly," the nurse says sympathetically. She is now taking my vitals, scribbling something on her chart from time to time.

Car crash?

I scrunch my eyes, trying to remember, but the harder I try, the more my head hurts.

"Wait. A month? Are you saying that I've been here... for a month?"

The nurse nods. "You've been unconscious the entire time. But your vitals now are looking good. The doctor will just run a few tests to make sure we don't miss anything."

I stay quiet for a while, my mind still processing everything the nurse just said, which has only raised new questions.

"Your friends and family were really worried about you, you know. There wasn't a day when you didn't have any visitors. Especially that special friend of yours you were in the car with." The nurse turns towards me, holding a pen against her chin. "What was her name? Em–Emma, I think? She barely left your side. She actually just went to grab some food before you woke up."

...I don't know any Emma, but I don't tell her that.

"What about my parents?"

"Your mom and sister usually visit during the evening."

"And my father?"

The nurse shakes her head. "I don't think I've ever seen your father."

The nurse leaves after a while, and the doctor comes inside the room shortly. I answer a few questions before I'm escorted outside to take some tests. Afterward, the nurse leads me back to my room and gently guides me to bed.

"Would you like me to call in your visitors?" the nurse asks.

I nod.

The nurse goes out, and soon my mom walks in followed by–

"Emily." I frown. "What the hell are you doing here?"

Both of them stop in their tracks. My mom looks at me in concern and confusion, while Emily looks like I just punched her in the gut.

Anger bubbles up inside me as a realization comes to mind. "Y–you. You're the one who did this, aren't you? You're the reason I'm here."

A guilty look flickers across her face, confirming my suspicions. And before I can stop myself, I shout at her to leave, but she stands there motionless, tears threatening to spill from her eyes.

"Go get the doctor," my mom tells her, which snaps her out of her shock. She scurries out of the room at the same time my mom starts walking towards me.

"Why is she here, Mom?"

My mom stops at the side of the bed and reaches out to stroke my hair. "Honey, the accident was not her fault."

"But she was there with me..."

"Yes."

"Why?"

My mom's hand goes still, resting on top of my head. "Becca, what was the last thing you remember?"

"I..." I close my eyes and think hard for a moment. "I–I remember hosting the Kappa party. But that doesn't make any sense. Why would I leave with Emily?"

A brief look of panic flashes across her eyes.

"Mom? What's wrong?"

My mom smiles at me, but it looks forced. "It's nothing, sweetie. The doctor will be here soon."

But I can see that she's trying her best to keep calm–the look on her face similar to when she would talk to my little sister and me right after we would hear her and dad fight.

The doctor comes in a little while later, asking a bunch of questions similar to my mom's. They then do more tests on me, and I grow scared by the minute, not understanding what the hell is going on. Eventually, I'm back in my room alone, my mom and the doctor staying outside to talk. After some time, they enter the room, and my mom sits beside me, taking my hand as the doctor walks towards the other side of the bed.

I look at my mom, drained from all the medical tests I went through the entire day. "What's happening, Mom? I'm scared."

My mom squeezes my hand and gives me a reassuring smile. "The doctor will explain it to you, sweetie. But I'll be right here the whole time." She then gives a single nod to the doctor.

The doctor smiles at me politely. "How are you feeling, Becca?"

I stare at him, suddenly annoyed at being asked the same question over and over again.

"Right then." The doctor clears his throat. "During the accident, your brain was affected more than we initially thought." He pauses, and I meet his gaze, willing him to go straight to the point. "It seems like you have retrograde amnesia, meaning that you have no memory of the past three years of your life."

The doctor goes on and on about the technicalities, but I'm not listening anymore. His voice is reduced to background noise as I repeat his words inside my head, trying to grasp the implications of what he just said. I prop myself up, looking wildly around the room, tugging at my shirt as if it would help me breathe. But it doesn't. My body feels numb, which is why I almost don't notice my mom pulling me into a tight hug, stroking my back comfortingly as she whispers reassurances. I focus on her voice, forcing myself to take deep breaths as I slowly begin to calm down. I pull away after some time, recomposing myself as I find my voice.

"Three years," I whisper.

"We'll help you recover your memories, honey. But for now, you can ask me anything you like."

"I–I think I just need some rest."

My mom nods, helping me settle back in bed before she leaves, promising to be back tomorrow.

Sleep comes easy to me, and I wake up the next day with Madison sitting at the chair next to my bed, browsing her phone.

"Hey, Maddie."

She looks up from her phone, a smile lighting up her face before she practically jumps out of her chair to hug me. "Becca!"

"Ow, that... kinda hurts."

When she pulls away from me, her eyes are teary.

"Sorry, I just missed you so much. You were gone for so long! I thought–"

"Hey, hey, none of that," I say, smiling at her.

She pulls the chair closer to my bed and sits down. "How are you, Becca? Your mom told me about your... condition."

I stare at the ceiling. "Yeah, it sucks." I snap my head back to her. "Tell me something. Do we still hang out a lot?"

"We still meet up from time to time. Not as much as we used to, though," Madison says, smiling sadly.

I nod. "Who do I usually hang out with now?"

"Emily."

I furrow my eyebrows. "Did we become close friends or something?"

"Oh, right. You've only been together for like two years," Madison murmurs contemplatively. "She's your girlfriend, Becca."

I let the information sink in. "You have got to be kidding me." I stare at her wide-eyed. "How–What–Why?"

Madison recounts our 'love story,' each detail more absurd than the last. I don't want to believe any of it, but Emily as my girlfriend... it actually explains everything. I rub my temples. How the hell did that happen? I remember like it was yesterday when she tried to steal Chris away from me. And now... and now...

"Maddie? Can you do me a favor and grab me something to eat? I'm starving."

Madison smiles. "Of course."

Madison goes out in a while, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

***

After a few more days of recovery, I am finally allowed to leave the hospital. Despite my protests, my mom explains that I will have to stay with Emily and her friends at what I assume has been my home for the past two years. She explains that she prefers for someone to look after me constantly, and she will not be able to do that with her job and all.

Outside the hospital, I find Emily waiting near a car; her eyes are bloodshot, as if she hasn't slept a wink in days. When she sees me approaching, her face immediately brightens up. Our gazes lock briefly before I turn back to my mom.

"Are you sure I can't stay with you?"

My mom smiles sadly. "I'm sorry, honey. I wish you could, but..."

"It's okay, I understand."

"Look, I know you don't remember, but these people you've been living with... they care about you very much.”

I nod.

My mom pulls me into a hug before guiding me inside the car, shutting the door afterward. She and Emily talk for a brief moment outside, and I watch as she hugs Emily before walking away. Emily steps into the passenger seat.

Zack, who is sitting in the driver's seat, turns around and smiles at me warmly. "I'm glad you're back."

I shift uncomfortably, ignoring his gaze. "Thanks."

We drive home silently, awkwardness saturating the car space. Upon arriving, I observe the details of the house, seeing if it sparks any memories... but nothing. I see Emily looking at me intently, probably thinking the same thing. They then lead me inside the house, and I step in hesitantly, taking in the surroundings, which vary immensely from the sorority house, the last place I lived based on my memories. Emily guides me to my room, lingering near me as I open the door.

"Becca–"

I turn towards her. "Please don't. I know you think I'm your girlfriend. A–and I guess I was. But as far as I remember, I don't like you at all. So I would appreciate it if you just leave me alone." I turn around and go inside my room, shutting the door behind me. I then lie on the bed, trying to forget how the light dimmed out of Emily's eyes as I broke her heart.

#becca #becca davenport #rebecca davenport #becca x mc #the freshman series #the freshman #the sophomore #the junior #the senior #playchoices #play choices #my work #my fanfics #my writing #request??

[aubreyprc]

happier

for @ssa-sparks , who asked for happier+hotchniss💕💘 feel free to send requests, ask/message💖💗💞💘💓

part four of my sour series

ao3

“Say you love her, baby,

Just not like you loved me

And think of me fondly,

When your hands are on her

I hope you're happy,

But don't be happier”

-

It hits her sometimes, how close she was to having everything before her life unravelled, leaving nothing but chaos in its wake. Leaving her too broken to even attempt at rekindling something with him, too messed up to think he could ever truly feel the same for her as he did before. Before Ian, before Boston. Before he learnt of Lauren, and how she’d shared her body and a bed with a known terrorist for two years as part of a job.

She’d been cruel when she ended it, forcing words out of her mouth that she didn’t mean in order to keep him safe. She remembers the look on his face when she’d called them casual, can remember the words he spat right back at her as she left.

She remembers how forgiving he was when he sat at her hospital bed. Grabbing her hand gently while he whispered gentle words, placing a soft kiss on her lips as he promised her that he would do whatever it took to get her back the team. Back to him.

She can also remember just how different everything was when she returned, how absolutely nothing was the same between her and anyone on the team, but especially him.

She remembers the moment it ended, the moment he told her he wanted her, but they needed time. She should recover from everything that she’s been through and they’ll talk when it’s time. They’ll know when it’s time.

Yet that time never comes, the two of them moving further and further apart as months go by and soon they’re not even talking. She accepts with a heavy heart that it’s truly over when it’s obvious he’s started to see someone new.

It hits her again with force, like a harsh slap to the face (which, she thinks she would have preferred. It probably would have hurt less) how close she was to having everything when she hears the name Beth fall from his lips, talking in his office with Dave with a glass of whiskey. (something the three of them used to do, but she won’t dwell on it. She can’t. It hurts too much) Her plan was to just hand him her report and leave. Ignore the way his eyes would linger on her for a moment too long to be friendly, words he refuses to say on the tip of his tongue as he watches her walk away without a word. Absolutely nothing let to say between the two of them. They had something, something remarkable, something that a person only gets once and it was taken from underneath them because of her, and as she stands outside of his almost but not quite shut door, she freezes, the soft tone the other woman’s name being said in rendering her frozen, the wind completely knocked out of her.

It could have seen seconds, it could have been hours before she clears her throat, tapping three times softly on the door before opening it.

“The report,” she smiles, walking to his desk, setting it down gently with a fake smile while her broken heart hammers in her chest. “Night.” She smiles to the two men, nodding her head in farewell and she turns to leave.

“Can we talk, tomorrow?” He asks her and she closes her eyes, holding down the door handle as she takes a deep breath before turning, her fake smile back on her face.

“Sure,” she agrees, “is that all?”

He nods, sending her back a smile that doesn’t seem like his and she wonders then, if he can see right through hers. Nodding again, she leaves his office, taking deep breaths, holding back her tears as she grabs her coat and bag before swiftly existing the building.

She’s in the comfort of her own car when she lets them fall, can feel them rolling down her cheek as she speeds out of the parking garage, as though she can out run the heartache.

To Emily’s surprise he comes to her the next night, knocking on her apartment door at too much of a late hour for it to be anything professional and as she lets him in, watches as he looks around her new apartment she inhales a deep breath and prepares herself for whatever words he was about to speak. Maybe he’ll finally say the ones that have been on the tip of his tongue for the last three months, she thinks.

“I take it you heard?” He questions, looking at her for the first time since he walked in.

“About Beth? Yeah…” She tells him, sending him a sad smile.

“I was going to tell you first, before-” He stops, shaking his head. “You should have found out from me first hand and for that I’m sorry.” He tells her.

“It’s fine,” she smiles, “I’m glad you’re moving on. You’ve seemed happier these last few weeks.”

“Emily-” He starts to say, only to be stopped by her a moment later.

“Really, Aaron.” She smiles, “It’s okay, we ended and you moved on, it’s normal.”

“Yeah,” He says, “I just wanted to apologise, for not telling you first hand.” He smiles.

“No hard feelings,” she jokes, a small laugh escaping her throat. “Did you want to talk about anything else?”

He stays silent for a few moments, mulling over the words in his head as he ponders about saying them, ponders about opening up old wounds.

“No,” He says, deciding to draw a line on what could have been, choosing instead to try and work on gaining her back as his friend. His close friend. Maybe his best. “No that’s it.” He tells her with a smile.

She nods, leading the way to her front door, almost closing it as he steps out only to stop when he turns back to face her.

“You know you’ll always have me, right?” He questions shyly, as if he’s unsure, “No matter what…”

She stares at him, clearing her throat before speaking.

“I know.” She tells him softly, smiling as her eyes meet his properly since he walked out three months ago. “I know.”

“Good.” He nods, “Good night.”

“Goodnight.” She smiles, watching him walk off before closing her door, his words ringing in her ears like a siren.

Knowing about Beth and meeting, Beth, turn out to be two completely different feelings.

You can ignore the existence of someone you’ve never met, trick yourself into thinking that they’re no one, that’s it’s nothing.

You can’t ignore them however, once you’ve met them. Seen first hand the happiness written over their faces.

That’s something Emily learns while hungover, stood at the finish like of a triathlon, staring at Aaron’s smile as he hugs the other woman, the way his eyes almost shimmer as he looks at her…Beth. The happiness that radiates of him causes her stomach to turn and she has to look away while she does her best to ignore their laughs, turning to watch him, Beth and Jack walk away, her heart cracking in her chest as she watches him smile into their kiss, forcing herself to look away and follow JJ and Penelope to Reid’s car, throwing on a smile while spilling a lie about her head when they ask why she looks like she’s just seen a ghost.

The conversation with Regina sends her right back to where she started, hitting home more than she would have liked and she knows its obvious when Hotch lets her go back to the hotel, telling her she was done for the day and to take sometime to herself.

She’s no idea how much time had past, how long she’d been staring at the ceiling replaying how well her life was going before Ian had found her, how happy she was, maybe the happiest she’d ever been. She thinks about how he’d run a hand down her spine as they spoke in hushed whispers in his bed, confessions and laughs shared between the two in the late hours of the night, as though they were the only two people in the word. She thinks about how he’d cup her jaw gently before kissing her if she babbled on too much, leaving them both smiling into their kiss, pure happiness written on both their faces as they each tore further into the others heart, the feeling of forever lingering in the air as they wrapped themselves in each other.

She turns her head to the door at the gentle three taps and sits up, running a hand through her hair as she walks over, already knowing who it is before she even opens the door.

“Hey,” He says softly, passing her as she moves aside to allow him in. “Are you okay?”

“I will be,” She tells him, “Just a tough case.”

“I know how hard it must have been, to listen to Regina.”

“It’s fine,” She tells him, “She was right. Mine is dead.”

“Doesn’t make it any easier.” He tells her from experience and she looks down, wiping her tears just as quick as they fall but not quick enough, already feeling him talking steps towards her before stopping mere inches away, cupping her face gently as he had done so many times before, and wiping her tears.

“It’s going to be okay.” He tells her gently, her eyes meeting his and in that moment it’s easy to let themselves believe for a second it’s him and her again, that there’s no Beth, no Ian and no Boston, just them, a mere year ago, happy and on their way to love. 

His lips are almost on hers when she places to flat hands into his chest, pushing him away slowly as she drops her head.

“We can’t,” she whispers, “You’re with Beth.”

He steps back, “sorry, I should…I should go.” He mumbles, looking around the room as he clears his throat.

The words I want you die on his tongue as he forces himself to walk out of the room, flashes of their nights together playing on a loop in his brain as he screws his eyes shut.

They don’t talk about what almost happened.

She continues to watch his happiness increase as months go by, and carries on pretending that she’s fine, that she isn’t dying inside with every passing moment she spends watching him smile at another woman, watching him be happy with someone else.

He finds her for the second time at JJ’s wedding, a few hours after their previous conversation. He comes up to the side of her, smiling as she laughs at one of his lame jokes and as she turns to face him, he stills, a look on her face one he hasn’t seen before.

“Do you love her?” She asks softly, and he nods.

“I do.” He tells her and she rolls her lips, nodding her head as she forces herself not to cry. “But not like I loved you.” He continues and her eyes snap up to his, examining his features for a tell he’s lying and failing, her heart beating rapidly against her rib cage. She stares a few more moments, before gently placing a hand on the side of his face, catching his lips with her own in a delicate kiss, looping her hands to rest on the back of his neck when his arms softly wrap around her waist and pull her into him.

Their foreheads rests together as they separate and she smiles sadly.

“I miss you already.” He whispers, pulling her into a hug.

“Be happy.” She whispers back, before pulling from his arms and smiling at him, the words but please don’t be happier with her than you were with me renaming unsaid, taken instead by, “You should go, I’m sure Jack will be looking for you.”

He nods, turning to face the garden, before looking back at her.

“Go,” She laughs sadly, “I’ll be right out.”

He squeezes her hand before walking off and once he’s out of view, she takes a deep breath and turns, catching a glimpse of him, Jack and Beth as they laugh together in a corner, and even though it kills her, she has to be happy for him, she loves him, and with a heavy exhale she knows that’s all she wants, for him to be happy, even if it is without her.

She flies to London and he lets her go. He lets her go without ever telling her that it’s her he was ever truly happy with. Starting to find far too many similarities within Emily and Beth. He sees Emily’s face sometimes when he kisses Beth, imagines it’s her spine he’s tracing his fingers across and thinks of her when he envisions forever.

He ends it with Beth six months later, a tumble of apologies falling from his mouth as she walks out with a sad smile and a nod.

“You should call her.” Beth says as she stands in the doorway, “Emily.” She tells him as he frowns, his eyes widen and then she’s gone.

He calls her two weeks later and three weeks after that, is standing in front of her door, drenched head to toe as he waits for her to answer.

The smile she gives him when she opens the door makes the terrible weather and the awful traffic worth it and when her lips crash into his, he realises he’s never needed anyone but her to be happy.

fin

#hotchniss sour series #hotchniss fic #hotchniss #emily prentiss #aaron hotchner #aaron x emily #criminal minds fic #hope you like it bestie <333 #my fics

[ive-been-worse]

Liable PT 2

Word Count: 2,419

Warning: Violence, blood, knives, hospitals, close calls, mentions of anxiety/panic, let me know if I missed any.

A/N: this is part two to a different post. It's long, I can't write cases, kinda angsty but it has a happy ending. Enjoy

“Can you believe it?” You point your spoon at no one in particular. “A ‘liability’! God!” You let out a sardonic laugh and viciously dig into your ice cream.

You, Emily, JJ, and Penny are having girls’ night. Yes, you’re a little tipsy and definitely not over anything.

Emily shakes her head while JJ pours more wine for everyone.

“Y/N/N, you know you aren’t a liability. You’re damn good at your job and Hotch was full of shit,” Em doesn’t normally bash the boss but she’s a little more than tipsy too.

“You know what it is?” Penny butts in, “He likes youuuuuuu.”

Her words elicit a scoff from you, “As if.” Heat rose in your cheeks.

“No, she’s right. Everyone can see it. Hotch totally has a thing for you!” JJ exclaims, spilling a little of her wine. “Come on, are you seriously saying you’ve never noticed how much he hovers over you?”

“Or stiffens whenever you’re with an unsub?” Em adds.

“Or how he almost flinches everytime you call him ‘Agent Hotchner’,” Penny giggles.

“And, you like him too!” JJ says with a sudden seriousness.

You shake your head. As much as you want to deny JJ’s words, you can’t. Your crush has been blooming for a long time. It’s part of the reason why you’re taking this sudden cold front from your boss so hard. If only you knew what to do.

***

“Aaron, you gotta tell her,” was the first thing Dave said after sneaking into Hotch’s office.

“Tell who what, Dave?” Aaron asked. He didn’t have to ask. Dave was talking about you, just like he has been the last multiple times Dave has sought him out.

“Y/N. You know she’s a good agent. She deserves to know that.”

“Is that all?” Aaron has yet to look up from his paperwork.

“‘Is that all?’” Dave repeats, “No, first, it’s affecting the team. Everyone can see that. There’s so much tension between you two. After you fix that, you should also tell her how you feel.”

“Enough, there’s nothing to tell,” Aaron pinches the bridge of his nose, “I’ll handle it, okay?”

“You better.”

***

Hotch had kept you out of the field for seven cases. Seven. Working from Quantico was killing you and you had a newfound respect for Penny. That’s why you jumped, literally jumped, at the chance to finally go on a case with the team. However, you’re confined to the police precinct. Not ideal, but you’ll take what you can get. So while the team is gathering information in the field, you’re working on the geographical profile.

Unfortunately, geographical profiles are not your strong suit. More unfortunately, you’ve determined that there’s not enough information to make one. With a sigh, you push yourself away from the desk and make your way to the mediocre coffee station.

A young officer approaches with a smile, “What a case, right?”

You look him over. This case is probably the worst he’s seen. He’s not too bad on the eyes. Not quite your type. You shake your head as the thought of your boss flits through your mind. Giving the officer a small smile, “That’s your opening?”

Red blooms across his cheeks as he shrugs and rubs the back of his neck. “I had to start with something. I’m John,” his hand comes out between you two.

“I’m Y/N, nice to meet you,” he grips your hand a little too hard.

The door to the precinct opens. Hotch, Emily, and Reid come in. They were at the latest crime scene.

Nodding your head at your team, “That’s my cue.”

You take your leave but John stops you. “How about you and I take some time and I’ll buy you a better coffee?”

“I can’t. We have to solve this case. That’s my priority,” It’s a little harsh but that’s what you’re here to do in the first place so that’s what you’re going to do.

“L/N,” Hotch calls.

“I’m coming,” you take your coffee and go to them. “What did you find?”

“Her friends report some guy talking to her at the bar they went to the night before she went missing. Apparently he kept trying to get her to go somewhere with him.” Hotch fills you in.

“Let me guess, she kept turning him down?” You fill in, earning a nod from your boss.

“How’s the geographical profile?” Reid asks.

“You’re welcome to take a shot at it but there’s not enough.”

This time it’s Emily who speaks, “We need another victim.”

And you got one that night.

The next day you're able to finish the profile. Right as you do, coffee is set on your desk. You look up to see John. “Thank you,” you tell him. Relief filling you at the thought of caffeine.

“You looked like you could use it,” he smiled at you. Taking a sip you looked up in surprise. The coffee was exactly how you like it. “I- uh - I noticed how you took it yesterday while we were talking.” John rubbed the back of his neck and you nodded.

“We’re ready to give the profile.” Hotch announced over the room to gather everyone’s attention. It didn’t take long for everyone to get ready.

“We believe that the unsub is a young male, in his twenties to thirties,” Hotch started.

“He’ll probably try to inject himself in this investigation if he hasn’t already,” Morgan went next.

Your turn, “Given the places the victims are taken from and the dump sites, the unsub’s comfort zone is in this area,” you gesture to the map, “Meaning he either lives or works somewhere in the area.” The rest of the profile goes smoothly.

After, you take a step outside, needing to clear your head. The door opens and there’s footsteps. You turn to talk to the person. A butt of a gun slams into your head. You feel the shock.

Everything goes black.

***

You come too in a dark place and you can’t make anything out. You can hear a flip get switched and the lights flicker on above you. Squinting against the harsh light, you try to orient yourself. You take inventory. You’re sitting. Killer headache, probably a concussion. There’s something wet on your temple. You go to wipe it away only to discover your hands are bound behind you. Ankles similarly tied but to the legs of the chair.

Trying to fight the panic setting in, you take a deep breath and look around. Knives line the wall in all different sizes. Pictures of the previous victims are hung on the wall with some sort of writing by them.

The unsub walks into the room. He has an old camera with him. It’s flash blinds you. You turn your head away from the flash. When you look back, the unsub’s back is to you and he’s hanging the picture he just took on the wall. He looks familiar. You can’t place him until he turns around.

John.

John with a knife.

John with a knife, and he's coming toward you.

***

“He uses a knife so he’s likely impotent but there’s nothing else that implies this is sexual for him,” Morgan rubs his temples.

“The multiple stab wounds are all done before the kill. So he’s sadistic,” Rossi adds.

JJ enters the room, a worried look on her face. “Y/N isn’t here. I’ve checked with the hotel and they haven’t seen her since we left. She’s not answering her phone.”

“What do you mean she isn’t here?” Rossi asks.

“No one knows where she went,” JJ says.

“Guys,” Reid enters the room, holding up a phone. Your phone.

“She wouldn’t leave with just anyone. Y/N’s careful.” Rossi scrubs his face.

“She probably didn’t go willingly. It’s broken.” Reid tells them, setting the phone on the table.

“I’ll call Hotch,” Morgan stands, leaving the room.

***

Coughs tear through you. Blood dribbles out, dripping onto your already ruined shirt. You turn your head and spit, trying to clear your mouth from the coppery liquid.

“You couldn’t have just said yes? It was just coffee. But no you couldn’t do that could you!” John lets out a deranged laugh. “You’re just like the others. So stuck up you won’t give anyone a chance.” The knife he wields sinks into your abdomen and you bite your lip to keep in the pained gasp. “We could have been happy together. You’d have to give up your job though. This isn’t a line of work for a lady.”

That line. You’d been hearing that line since you joined the BAU. You’re so tired of it. His face is so close. You spit and it lands on his cheek. A strange sense of satisfaction fills you as the bloody saliva trails down his jaw.

John wipes it off, “You’re going to regret that.” His fist hits the side of your head, sending ringing through your skull.

“No,” you cough up more blood. “You’ll regret this. My team will find you and you will pay.”

“Too bad you won’t be alive to see it.”

***

You were barely conscious when they found you. Your breaths are shallow. You don’t know what happened, what went down. All you know is that suddenly, you’re not in that chair anymore. You’re not there, and someone is being loud. Someone is yelling. You try to open your eyes to see who.

“Hotch,” it comes out weak. Barely a whisper. Your hand goes up on its own accord to wipe his tears, leaving a streak of red in its wake. “Why are you crying?” Suddenly your hand falls back to your side and you turn your head.

“Y/N! Hey Y/N! Stay with me!” His hand turns your head to look at him. His hands are so big. He’s warm. So warm. After you had been so cold.

“You’re so handsome, Hotch. So handsome,” it slurred out. Everything goes back once more.

***

The team is waiting anxiously at the hospital. Most of the cuts are shallow but the ones that aren’t caused you to need emergency surgery. They’re bad, more than enough to cause worry.

“She’ll make it. Y/N is strong. She’ll make it,” Emily sounds like she’s trying to convince herself.

Reid has his head in his hands.

Morgan is pacing.

Garcia rushes into the waiting room when she gets there, “How is she?”

“She’s in emergency surgery,” Rossi answers.

She collapses into a nearby chair.

Hours drip by. One after another. Someone convinces Hotch to change, get out of the bloodstained suit. Someone else gets everyone coffee, or a snack. No one touches those.

The more time passes the more everyone gets worried. When the doctor comes out, it’s too soon and not soon enough all at the same time. “She’s stable,” everything they say after is a blur from the relief. “You’re welcome to see her when she wakes up.”

It’s an hour later when a nervous looking nurse comes in the waiting room. “Are you for Y/N L/N?” Everyone stands nodding. “She’s- uh- she’s asking for an Agent Hotchner?”

“That’s me,” Hotch steps forward.

“Follow me. Uh- the rest of you can see her in a little while,” the nurse sent a smile to the rest of the team.

***

The light was bright in the hospital. The doctor was telling you what happened but you didn’t hear any of it.

The door opens and Hotch rushes to your side, “Y/N!” He scans you over, eyes stopping on every bandage.

“Hotch,” your hand covers his to get his attention. “What happened?”

“I- We almost lost you. It was bad. You lost a lot of blood,” he tries to fight back the tears.

“I’m sorry. I should have been more careful. I should have realized-”

“No!” His voice comes out startlingly loud. He makes an effort to soften it. “No. This isn’t your fault. No one blames you.”

You let out a self-deprecating laugh, “Sure. No one blames me. They all just think I’m a liability right?” The word slips out before you can stop it.

Liability. The same one he used before. It felt like a knife to the gut.

“No. No. No. You’re not a liability. It was wrong of me to say that. God, Y/N, you could never be a liability. You’re an amazing agent. You never would have made it if you weren’t. I never should have said that. I was worried. You were with that unsub all by yourself for god knows how long and could have been seriously hurt. It was wrong. I never meant it,” He was rambling. He knew. Hotch could also feel the tears track down his face.

“You mean it?” Your voice comes out small and weak, you fight back your own tears.

Hotch nods rapidly. “Every word. When this happened. I was so scared Y/N. I can’t lose you.” His head falls to the mattress, trying to hide the tears.

You take a deep breath and decide to try your luck. Today has to be a day of defeating odds. “Aaron,” that causes his head to shoot up. It’s your first time calling him by his name. “Aaron, look, I gotta tell you. I can’t just make it through that and keep quiet about this anymore, who knows about the time. Oh boy, I just- ah- I like you Aaron. More than I probably should, given that you’re my boss but it’s true,” you refuse to meet his eyes, scared of what you’d see.

“Y/N,” he pauses, “Y/N look at me,” his voice is gentle, coaxing you to meet his eyes. He smiles despite the tears. “I like you too. I’ve tried to hide it for so long. I did, but I can’t do it anymore.”

You laugh and then grimace from the pain radiating in your chest. You brush off Hotch’s concern. “I’m fine. If we do this though, we have to do it right. Not just getting together because of the high of relief that we both probably feel. Okay?”

“Of course, we’ll take it slow.”

Despite everything, you’re happy right now. On painkillers, and definitely traumatized, but right now, in this moment, you’re happy. It only gets better when the rest of your team, the best friends you have, flood the room. Everyone is high on the relief of survival and all-in-all, it could only be better if you weren’t stuck in the hospital.

#aaron hotch x reader #hotch x reader #criminal minds #angst #happy ending

[everlesslahote1]

‘LET ME GO PLEASE!” (Seth Clearwater) -Requested  -

J“Can you do a Seth one. His imprint is attacked (maybe he try’s to sexually assault her/or does) by a man when she’s walking home one night. Paul Jared and Sam were in the woods as wolfs and come rescue her. They bring her back to Sam and Emily’s and call Seth. Lots of caring protective angry Seth. The pack have to calm him down and stop him from doing anything. He ends up scaring his imprint because he’s so angry. Soft moment at the end when Seth says sorry and lots of hugs and kisses”

-No problem love❤.

Seth Clearwater x Fem!Reader

(warning: Near sexual assault)

- Enjoy!

-

-

-

“Bye guy’s see you later” Y/n said leaving her friends house from working on a school project as she disappeared into the dark woods she tends to take home.

She knew wolfs were on patrol in the area so she didn’t think twice on her way into woods, she knew they wouldn’t let anything happen to her.

After all she did see them as family and knew they felt the same way as she gets told everyday.

As Y/N walked the wood something just didn’t feel right but she always took this way back home so what’s wrong now?

Was it that it was darker then when she would usually take the woods home? she just shrugged it off.

She was deep in her thoughts until she heard a stick break behind her which caused she to turn fast but to see nothing.

“maybe I’m just tired, that’s all” she said to herself not wanting to get scared of maybe a little animal in the night.

Just as she started to walk again she felt her mouth being covered and her small figure being dragged to be pushed into a tree.

She started to scream and kick as the strong figure starts to unbutton the shirt she took from Seth the night before.

“LET ME GO PLEASE!” she screamed and kicked with tears streaming down her face.

“Your a fighter, I like you” the man said in her ear harshly before throwing her down making her hit her head on a bolder hard.

She took her shaky hand and touched the top left corner of her head to only see blood on her hand.

She soon left her world turning and her vision blurring due to her being in shock.

Y/N struggled to back away from the man and keep conscience but all she heard was his sick words leave his mouth in a blur.

Almost as if she was being pulled into the deep end of a pool and couldn’t keep her head above water.

Only as she felt her button down come off completely and the chilly air hit her bare arms so when she blacked out.

-Wolf’s Pov-

“LET ME GO PLEASE!” Sam heard making his head shoot up to the direction of the voice he knew all to well.

Jared’s Wolf soon became visible from tree’s with Paul’s wolf next to him as they looked at their alpha for the next order’s.

‘was that Y/N?’ 

‘No shit’

‘Get to her, Now!’ Sam thought as him and his Beta’s ran to where they heard Y/n’s screams and cries for help only to find her unconscious with blood dripping down her face, no shirt and a older man standing over her.

Jared growled as the man started to unbutton Y/N’s pants, catching the man’s attention.

The man couldn’t believe what he was seeing in front of him, he didn’t know if it was the count of beer’s he had took back to back early or if it was reality.

3 wolfs... a Black one, a dark grey one, and a chocolate brown one.

All that stood over 6 foot looked at him like he were their next meal which he didn’t want to be.

‘He’s Human, I cant hurt him’ Paul thought as he inched closer to Y/N but keeping his eye’s on the man.

In all honesty if Sam wasn’t there and it was just him and Jared he wouldn’t have thought twice on attacking the man who dared hurt his little sister.

She was to good to have anything bad happen to her, she kind, giving, smart, funny. Everything about her gave the pack a little sister vibe.

Even before she knew about the imprint and wolfs, she would always walk up to Embry and Jared in school just to crack jokes and make them laugh so everybody wouldn’t think they were sum killer ‘gang’.

Jared and Sam soon started to chase the man off so that Paul could shift and take the small girl to Emily’s house.

As Paul pulled his short’s over his hip’s he made his way back to Y/N before gently taking her in his arm feeling her cold skin.

“I Gotcha smalls” he spoke as if she could hear him.

Paul Jogged all the way to Emily’s before walking into a worried Emily as he laid Y/n on the couch before looking to his own imprint, Rachel.

Soon enough, Jared and Sam came through the door with the rest of the pack long side them to find a puzzled Emily and Rachel , a quiet Paul, and a passed out y/n.

After awhile of silence Sam took this time to settle on what to do.

“Call Seth”

-Y/N Pov-

Y/N slowly gained conscience only to hear Seth’s voice screaming at the top of his lung’s.

She looked down to her clothes to find she’s in a jacket and and sweat’s, she slowly reaches to corner of her head where she felt pain shoot to only feel cloth.

She was now in a bed that was in Sam and Emily’s guest room.

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU LET HIM GO!” Seth screamed which made Y/N flinch, she as never seen Seth mad or even heard him yell in anger.

Seth was always happy or at least holding a smile even in a bad case he would be the one to bring a smile to her face.

Anyone’s at that matter...

“He was human you know the rules-”

“I COULD CARE LESS ABOUT ANY DAMN RULES WHEN IT COMES TO HER, WHAT IF IT WAS EMLY?” Seth responded to Sam.

Sam understood the young boys anger, he knew his skin felt like burning metal, Sam wanted to react the same way when they found Y/N shirtless in front of a sick intoxicated being but held it together.

“S-seth” Y/N finally spoke in a horse voice catching the angry boy and everyone’s attention almost instantly.

Seth walked to the Y/H/C girl’s side in 3 long strides before sitting in the chair next to the bed she was laying on.

“Hey Bean, you ok?” He said calling her by the nickname he gave her because he knows she didn’t and wouldn’t eat beans even if her pet goldfish’s life was on the line.

and she loved Goldie like a son.

“I'm fine but y-you have to calm down, he’ll get what’s coming for him one day” She said grabbing her lovers hand hoping he wouldn’t yell anymore because it made the headache she had 10 times worst.

This infuriated Seth, How could she be so calm and humble at a time like this? After what just happened to her? Even after that man left her for dead when three over man sized wolfs showed up?

What if it wasn’t the pack? What if it was that red head leach they have yet to catch? She would be dead.

And that’s all Seth could think about... She could have died... and he wasn’t there save her...

“calm down!? YOU WERE NEARLY RAPED AND I HAVE TO CALM DOWN!?!” he said shooting up from his seat next to her now towering over her.

She flinched as if his voice was like a hammer on her head that just kept on banging, as if it was the last thing she would hear before she passed out.

 He saw affect he had on his imprint with his voice and it slapped him like his mom did when she told him to do the dishes but he had a smart come back.

Seth took his spot back next to Y/N and grabbed her hand again now calming him self.

“I’m sorry” he said put his head down while keeping hold of Y/N’s small hand.

“Im so sorry Bean, but what if they wouldn’t have got there in time- its my fault... I shouldn’t have let-”

“Hey... its not your fault, come here” she said opening her arms to the scared boy.

As Seth climbed in the arms of his lover gently so he wouldn’t cause any aches in her sore body, Emily gave everyone a look that said ‘give them time’ and everyone shifted to the living room.

Seth rested his head of Y/N chest before taking a deep breath, taking in her scent, a scent he would miss if he lost her.

He waited a few mins before speaking...

“I’m sorry for yelling” he said looking at her.

she just gently kissed his head and played with the hair’s on the back of his neck making him relax his tense body on her.

“I understand my love” she said closing her eyes as they lay there in silence, loving one another’s presents and letting the stress slip away.

Bonus

“you do know I’m going to make you apologize to Sam right” Y/N said with her eyes still closed.

Seth huffed playful before he spoke.

 “Of course you are bean” he said before planting a soft kiss on her lips that she gladly returned.

“I love you”

“I love you”

-

-

-

#seth clearwater #seattle #eclipse #paul lahote #twilight wolf pack #twilghtwolf #wolfpack #wolf #jared cameron #seth clearwater x reader #wolf pack imagine #sam uley #newmoon #emily young #quil ateara #quileute #uley pack #twilight embry #twilight #seth clearwater x y/n #boo boo stewart #paul lahote imagine #alex meraz #paullahote #embry call #seth clearwater fluff #twilight paul #seth clearwater imagine #la push #forks washington

[hey-there-juliet]

Random Drabble Day (2/23)

Summary: First off, let me just say that this is more like a one-shot than a drabble because I'm a wordy bitch and I cannot control myself 😅

That said, I always had a hard time imagining Julie writing some of the Perfect Harmony's lyrics about herself, so I thought why not make this just another song that Luke and Julie wrote together? This is set somewhere between Finally Free and Edge of Great, in that week when Ray was stress-eating. This is supposed to fit back into the show at the end, so it might seem like a cliffhanger, but it's not.

Quick shout out to @jamestkirkish for betaing this for me! I love you and you are amazing! Any remaining mistakes are my own. And to the fabulous Sloan, for helping me out with Luke's handwriting! Enjoy 🧡

Fandom: Julie and the Phantoms

Relationship: Juke 💜

in the great scheme of life and ghosts

No matter how many times Luke insisted that she had been snooping through his things, Julie knew for a fact that she had done no such thing. In reality, she had simply been cleaning the studio when she came across it.

For three ghosts who didn't eat and could barely even touch anything most of the time, the boys sure knew how to make a mess. Every morning Julie would walk into the studio to find the chairs or coffee table rearranged, at least one of the rugs was always askew, and the clothes... the clothes were everywhere, and the worst part was: they reeked. 

And so every morning before leaving for school Julie would shoot them a stern look and tell them to pick up after themselves. Which they did - when she got back home, things were mostly in their rightful place. Still, every weekend Julie would make sure to take a moment away from homework and rehearsal to tidy the place up to perfection, just like her mom liked it. She'd dust off the furniture, water the plants, sweep the floor, and even vacuum the whole place. One Saturday when she was home alone (her dad photographing a wedding, and Carlos at a friend's house), she even went through the trouble of washing all of the guys' old clothes. 

Somehow, and she didn't even want to think about how that worked, the clothes didn't stink when they were actually wearing them, but at any other moment when they made no contact with their skin? Yeah... not good. So she washed them all (three times, using every trick and product she had). She washed them a fourth time for good measure and, by the time she was finished, any traces of twenty-five year old mold was gone, and so was the smell.

So no, she was not snooping - no matter what Luke said - when she came across the crumpled paper ball between the couch and the low cabinet, just behind a big vase her mom had gotten from tía Victoria.

Julie sighed, making a mental note to tell Luke to put his discarded ideas in the bin (again) if he didn't want them anymore, when one scribbled and wrinkled word caught her attention: Perfect Ha-

She bit her lip, staring down at the teasing word. Perfect what? Was it lyrics? Maybe half formed ideas? Doodles? Julie knew Luke liked to doodle in the margins of his notebook whenever he got stuck trying to come up with the next best piece of lyric or melody. She also knew she should probably just leave it alone, put it with his stuff to ask him later if he wanted to keep it, or put it in the garbage. Except the more she glanced down at that damn word, the stronger she felt it pull her towards uncovering whatever else the crumpled paper ball was hiding. 

In the end, the pull was too strong. She'd just take a quick look, make sure it wasn't anything important before she threw it away. And, she reasoned with herself, trying to squish the guilt that was making itself known in the pit of her stomach: Luke had gotten rid of it, so he clearly didn't care much for whatever was in there. 

Not able to resist any longer, Julie carefully unfolded the paper, slowly making her way towards the piano and using its surface as a table to help smooth the page over.

Luke's (horrendous) handwriting covered it with the bare bones of a song, random lines were scribbled in the margins with a couple of doodles for company, and even a little note from their bassist - ‘Reggie was here ;)’.

It took her a minute before the chicken scratches became words, and then Julie's breath left her in a rush, as the guilty feeling in her stomach turned into butterflies and flew away with her imagination. 

It was a song, parts of one, anyway, and - more importantly - it was a love song.

Unprompted, her own words came back to her, "Wow, Luke! I didn't know you were such a romantic." Quickly followed by Alex's short reply, "He's not."

She knew now who Unsaid Emily was really about, but these new words were clearly about a different kind of love. The romantic kind, and Julie couldn't help letting herself believe - just for a moment - that the song might be about her.

Before she could let herself be carried away in a daydream, there was a - now familiar - shift in the air, a sound almost like static, the only thing letting her know of a ghost's appearance. Without a thought, she crumpled the page again and shoved the paper ball in her pocket for later inspection. 

"Hey, Julie!" Reggie's cheerful greeting sounded across the studio from where he had poofed in, and soon - with his "help," bless him - Julie was finished with her weekend clean up. 

As if summoned by the end of her chores, Luke poofed in, ready to rehearse. Alex soon followed; and by the time Julie retired for the night, the song had been almost forgotten where it hid inside her pocket. 

Almost.

***

After getting ready for the night, Julie settled on her bed with the wrinkled page and her dreambox. She read over the words again and again, imagining they were about her.

Step into my world, 

Bittersweet love story about a girl 

Shook me to the core 

Voice like an angel, 

I've never heard before, 

- 

You and me together, it's more than chemistry 

- 

Love me as I am 

I hold your music 

Here inside my hands 

- 

You are my brightest burning star 

- 

We create Perfect Harmony.

And unless Luke had been singing with another girl, there didn't seem to be many options on who it could be about, right?

From the beginning, Julie had felt something connecting her to him; to all of them, in different ways. But Luke had been the one to give her a little piece of his soul right after meeting her when he let her use Bright to earn back her spot in the music program. Seeing his passion reflecting back on her, the way he treated music like she used to, made her miss it more than anything for the first time in almost a year. It made her miss the way it felt to use music to connect with her mom.

After they spent a whole weekend finishing each other's songs and working on new ones, getting to know each other's inner workings - the part of them that bled out feelings into paper to create beautiful melodies, Julie knew she was a goner. Finding out he'd been the one to write the words that shaped her taste in rock certainly didn't help. Like he'd been helping her find her way to music long before they even met.

Her crush on him had been inevitable from the start, and while falling for him was probably one of the worst things she could’ve done, it was too late to stop it. She'd been free falling for a while, and hopefully she'd land in his arms soon enough. Reading over his words again gave Julie a warm fluttering in her stomach that made her think he was more than ready to catch her once she reached the ground. 

Carefully folding the piece of paper, she put it inside her dreambox, then placed the box back on the shelf.

***

The following week went by without any hiccups. Every once in a while, Julie would remember Luke's song and a familiar warmth would fill her up, leaving a soft smile on her lips and glazed eyes staring off at nothing. Just as often, Flynn would have to shake her out of her daydreams.

She didn't think much would come of it until her dad decided to throw the band a party so he could film them and post their video on YouTube. Which was fine. Amazing, even. It was most certainly great! Until Luke came to the school, staring at her with his stupid, beautiful, awed eyes, and with his soft, perfect smile, saying things that made her combust and melt, all at the same time.

"I think you make me a better writer." 

    "I think we make each other better."

Calling Nick 'Luke' was bad enough, but slipping into a complete musical sequence as she danced with him? "Goner" didn't even begin to describe her. 

Like the other times they'd written together, the lyrics flowed through her, finishing the song he'd started with the same ease as one would take a breath.

Julie knew that whatever was going on between her and Luke couldn't happen or, if it did, it couldn't last. In fact, in the great scheme of life and ghosts, she didn't know much, but what she did know was that - be it in life or in death - love was constant. 

He didn't need to have a heartbeat or to be able to touch her for her to love him. He was just as real to her as the next person, and whether it would hurt in the long run or not, it didn't matter. 

She knew Flynn was only looking out for her, but that ship had sailed, and Julie was already so lost in his ocean eyes that avoiding eye contact wasn't going to bring it back. She would entertain her though, even knowing it wouldn't work. Just like the tide, eventually he'd pull her right back in.

She could love him just as he was, for however long they had together, and especially after that.

-

End notes: I hope you guys enjoyed it! And, if you'll notice, at the beginning it kind of gives off the impression that Luke eventually finds out about the song and Julie tells him how she found it. Which may or may not lead you to believe that they're in a relationship. I guess it all depends on interpretation though ;)

Oh, also! Shout out to the chaos squad folks that guessed right! You guys are no fun :( /j lmao

#RDD #23 by 23 challenge #fanfic #mine #jatp #jatp fic #julie and the phantoms #julie molina #luke patterson #juke #jukebox #julie x luke #fic recs

[unitchiefs-blackbirdphoenix]

Truth and Awakenings Ch. 5

Summary: A Jemily rewrite of certain scenes in 14x15-15x03, with a few additional scenes :)

Chapter summary: JJ wakes up and tells Emily she’s in love with her.

Read on AO3

Tagging: @binariesarebullshit @bridget19 @jemilyisms

Emily’s eyes focused on one tiny spot on the white tiled floor. She was crouching forward a little, as she chewed on her thumbnail and impatiently tapped her foot. She felt a little tired after staying at the hospital for almost more than half of the day, but she wanted to stay awake for her friend.

“Emily,” Will called out in the hallway, making her head snap towards his direction. “She’s awake. She wants to see you.”

Emily stood up, wiping her somewhat sweaty palms on her slacks. “Is she ok?”

Will smiled, “Why don’t you go see for yourself? I gotta go pick up the boys.” He saw Emily staring off into space and placed a hand on her arm. “I really think you should go see her, Emily. You’re one of the most important people in her life.”

The woman was taken aback by that statement coming from Will. JJ’s husband. That means nothing, right? Emily is one of JJ’s best friends, of course, he would say that. She hesitantly nodded and Will patted her on the shoulder before leaving.

Emily took a deep breath and shook her head to drive her nerves away. She slowly made her way towards JJ’s hospital room and her eyes searched for the blonde.

JJ saw her and gave a smile. “Hey, you.”

Emily softly smiled back, “Hey.” It faded shortly once she examined JJ’s body resting on the bed. Her eyes were filled with concern, “How are you feeling?”

“I’m fine.”

“JJ…” her boss warned, knowing that she was lying. That response always meant, 'I don't want to talk about right now. I can handle myself.' Emily was very familiar with that phrase.

“Emily, I’m fine. Really,” JJ told her. Emily raised an eyebrow at her, clearly not buying it. “Ok,” the blonde finally said. “I will admit it kinda hurts when I move a little.”

Emily awkwardly pointed at the door. “I should go and let you get some rest.”

“No. No, not yet.” JJ sighed happily, staring up at her with love in her eyes. “I’m glad you’re here. I missed you.”

“I missed you, too.” The grey-haired woman slightly smiled and her eyes scanned the room as she bit her lip in worry. She lifted a hand before JJ stopped her, knowing she was going to bite her fingernails, and felt the blonde’s hand easily slip into hers.

“I should’ve found you sooner. I shouldn't have made us split up…” Emily started apologizing.

JJ shook her head, “Hey, it’s fine. I just happened to have found Lynch and his daughter when we did. I’m not blaming you for any of this and neither should you.” She knew Emily always put herself down for risking other people’s lives, and would rather put her own life on the line just save them. JJ needed to make Emily understand that she knew the other woman didn’t intend to put her in danger.

Emily blinked and shook her head. She almost didn’t believe her best friend would ever forgive her. “But this is my responsibility and- and you got hurt.”

“Emily-”

“You flatlined for a few seconds. I was there when they-”

“Emily,” JJ cut her off, her face softening afterwards. “Look at me.”

Emily finally put her attention back to the blonde and began to relax her shoulders, brushing her thumb over JJ’s hand. “You could’ve died, if I didn’t make it on time.”

“But you did make it on time.” A smile slowly made its way to JJ’s face, “You saved my life, Emily. You always did.”

Emily shrugged, “I don’t know what I’d do, if I didn’t.”

JJ simply nodded. Even the blonde wouldn’t know what to do with herself, if Emily was hurt on the job, either. JJ understood what Emily meant because she would’ve done the same and risk her own life for her.

Then, she remembered why she told Will she wanted to see Emily alone. “There’s something I need to tell you.”

Emily froze for a second, as questions began to run through her head. She’s not quitting, is she? I understand if she does, I mean, she nearly died and-

She felt a gentle tug at her hand and glanced down. JJ had seen Emily lost somewhere in her thoughts again, so she decided to bring her back down to earth, rubbing the older woman’s thumb. Emily brought her comfort earlier, so it was her turn to offer it to her, feeling Emily’s hand squeeze hers.

JJ’s tongue darted out at the corner of her mouth before taking a shaky breath. “Will and I divorced two years ago.”

Emily’s eyes widened in shock. “Oh my god. JJ, I don’t- I’m so sorry. Did something happen?” she stuttered. Part of her hoped that was a sign that she could finally be with JJ, but the other part of her was confused as to why. She had no involvement in destroying their marriage and they didn’t even look like they were having any issues (to her and everyone else, at least), so why was she still freaking out?

“Kind of,” JJ sighed and Emily brought her focus back to her. “I realized that I’ve been in love with you. For a really long time.”

Emily’s body froze again. She’s in love with me? JJ… is in love with me? I don’t understand. Why?

The blonde’s eyes widened in panic. She must’ve misheard her earlier, then. “I’m sorry, Emily. I just thought that-”

“No, no, no, no!” Emily exclaimed too quickly before clearing her throat, cheeks flushing a light pink. “I mean, uh…”

JJ shook her head, suddenly feeling embarrassed. “Look, I know you’re with Andrew but-”

“I’m not with him anymore,” she said. “We broke up. It’s over.”

Upon hearing this news, JJ smiled in relief.

“Now, what made you realize you had feelings for me?” Emily grinned, as she dragged a chair nearby to sit next to her, choosing not to leave the room. She rested her chin in her palm and looked at the younger agent with adoration.

JJ let out a genuine laugh, feeling glad that her secret was out. “Well, at first I thought it was this little crush because you were… so strong and amazingly stunning, and confident.” She shrugged with a little head shake, “And because of that, you seemed way out of my league, so, you know, I tried ignoring it for a while.”

Emily was surprised that JJ found her almost hard to get, especially when she was thinking the same about the blonde. “Was I really that intimidating?” she asked with a chuckle.

“Maybe, yeah,” JJ giggled, finding that ridiculous now. “Well, I thought it was kinda hot, so…”

Emily just smiled and let her continue, ignoring the small blush appearing on her cheeks at the compliment.

JJ looked down and interlocked their fingers together. “I guess, after a while, I saw how you tried making me feel like I was important. That I was valid. No one’s ever made me feel that way before. You never forced me to change. You always made it comfortable for me to be myself and never judged me.”

“Then, there was that time I was tortured, and I thought of you coming to my rescue." She shook her head and sighed for a second, "I realized my mind always went to you and nobody else. I should’ve known that sooner, but it took me a while to know about these feelings I had for you.”

It was true. JJ didn’t know she had all these signs right in front of her. All those years, she had dismissed those as little ‘coincidences’ or merely someone just helping a friend out. It was way deeper than that. Emily cared for her in a way no one else in her life had, and was willing to lay down her life to save JJ’s.

JJ glanced back up to meet Emily’s eyes and gave a warm smile. “You’re the first person I’ve ever truly loved. I loved Will, too, but it was never as much as I loved you. I, uh- that’s why we decided to divorce. It gave me time to explore my feelings about you and now, I feel sure that I’m in love with you, Emily.”

“Really?”

JJ nodded, tears forming in her own eyes, “Yes. God, I love you so much, Emily.”

“I love you, too, JJ,” Emily whispered with watery eyes.

The two women smiled at each other, finally feeling the weight lift off their shoulders from professing their love for one another. After almost 14 years of yearning, they were now able to be together.

Emily sighed and pressed a kiss against JJ’s forehead. The blonde frowned, making Emily laugh.

“Why didn’t you kiss me?” JJ pouted even more and tilted her head to the side. Emily thought it was adorable.

“Because I don’t wanna give the medical staff a hard time, if the monitor goes off,” she winked, earning a playful slap on the arm.

JJ rolled her eyes and shook her head at her remark. “What a charmer.”

“Hey, you said you were attracted to my confidence, so you’re gonna have to deal with it,” the grey-haired woman smirked.

“Shut up,” JJ blushed and licked her lips. “Um, Emily. I forgot to tell you, but Will and Spencer actually knew about the whole…” she awkwardly gestured with her hands, “me being in love with you thing.”

Emily needed a moment to register those words. That explains why Will didn’t seem mad at her or anything like that, but wait. “Spence knew about this?”

“Long story,” the blonde answered, placing a hand on Emily’s arm. “I’ll tell you sometime after I get out.”

“Well, Dave knew about me having a thing for you, so…” Emily quietly confessed.

“So, do you think they were waiting for us to get together?” JJ asked, a little amused and surprised.

Emily shrugged, “Probably. For a couple of profilers, we really are blind.”

JJ laughed, and her body was filled with warmth and giddiness when the older woman kissed her hand. Emily frowned at the small object on JJ’s finger. Speaking of profiling… “What about your wedding ring?”

“Oh,” JJ gave a sheepish smile. “I totally forgot about it. Whoops.”

She toyed with the ring, shyly looking at it before waving her hand. “I, um, kept it on because I didn’t want the team throwing me questions about my divorce. I already had enough thrown at me when I was a liaison.” Then, she leaned in closer. “Also because I didn’t want some unsub or detective thinking they have a chance and try to hit on me,” she winked.

Emily chuckled in amusement. “Wow.”

“I’m telling you, the ring works every time.”

Emily playfully shook her head and stared at the ring on JJ’s finger. While she wasn't the one married to the younger woman, she smiled at the thought of sharing her life with JJ. But that seemed too soon to think about.

“What’s with the smile?” JJ asked, forming one of her own.

“Nothing,” Emily played off with a wave of a hand.

JJ tucked a piece of hair behind Emily’s ear and kissed her knuckles. “Emily,” she quietly said. “I know I’m in a tough situation right now, but… how about I take you out on a date after this?”

Blushing at the small gesture, Emily answered with a smile. “I would love that.”

JJ felt a sense of relief when she accepted the invitation. “Does this make us a couple now?” she wondered where their relationship stood at this point.

Emily opened her mouth, blinking as she carefully chose her words. Sure, they had just confessed their love right now, but she decided she wanted to take things slow with JJ. “Well, we’ll see how things go before we think about putting labels on whatever this is,” she offered as a compromise.

“Ok,” JJ nodded in agreement and beamed at her. “I love you, you know that?”

“I love you, too.”

After a few seconds, JJ nudged Emily’s arm, “Hey. Once I get discharged, do you think-”

“Nope! No, absolutely not. You are not working under those conditions,” Emily warned, shaking her head.

“But Emily…” JJ stressed each syllable of her name, pouting. She hoped this and her irresistible baby blues would work on the grey-haired woman.

“That’s a no, Agent Jareau,” she said with a serious look in her eyes, though, she had to mentally restrain herself from giving in.

JJ playfully whined even more, “Emily, I thought you loved me!”

“That gives you no excuse to be out in the field right now," Emily shook her head. God, JJ was even more stubborn about her well-being than she thought.

"Fine,” JJ crossed her arms over her chest and pretended to sulk, like a child not getting their favorite candy.

“You’re so cute,” Emily smiled and kissed her nose.

JJ took this as an opportunity to snake a hand behind Emily’s neck, bringing her head closer. The softness JJ felt against her lips made her melt instantly and she wanted to continue kissing her longer. She felt herself nearly getting dizzy from it and thought she was going to faint soon, but she didn’t care. JJ had been waiting years to do this. She just didn’t expect Emily to be that good of a kisser.

They both heard a rapid beeping and Emily nearly jumped out of her chair. Dr. Hsu came rushing in and laughed after she got the EKG monitor back to normal.

“Oh, I knew you two were a couple,” she said, seeing the flustered women, before leaving the room. “Make sure you take it easy. You almost had us worried for a second.”

“I told you,” Emily smirked at JJ, now noticing the effect she had on the blonde.

JJ lifted a shoulder and innocently smiled. “I couldn’t help myself.”

#jemily #jennifer jareau #emily prentiss #jemily fic #criminal minds