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stories-by-rie · 3 years

Text

Chapter 6 - Heart of Silver

A little over a year before Evelyn gets herself cursed, she helps Ariel again with a fiery situation (literally).

words: 1514 || masterlist

Ariel had only ever been at her place once. It had happened that autumn when Evelyn was lying in bed, tired and smelling. The night had been long (and had included a ghost or two), so she had simply not been in the mood for a shower. Now, with the sun long up, her stomach grumbled and made a solid argument to get up; still the blanket was heavier.

A soft buzz, which was way too loud in her quiet apartment, mercifully disrupted her internal discussion. Yet another new notification. To look at those messages would at least postpone decision-making on breakfast. Or lunch. Or dinner.

Hi Evelyn! Hope ur doing ok? Just wanted to know if you wanted to help out wth a case? Not urgent tho.

If u want we can also go for coffee sometiem?

Haven’t seen u around much lately so lets catch up if u want

The three messages were sent in a matter of just two minutes and as Evelyn saw that they had come from Ariel, she finally sat up. For over two months she hadn’t heard of them and assumed – well. Assumed a lot of things.

Her fingers hovered over the keyboard for a few seconds before she typed, Hey! I’m fine! I’m up for a case! Also coffee – she deleted the last two words. If Ariel still wanted to grab coffee once they worked another case together, they would figure it out then. Thank you for asking, I’m looking forward to it. Sent.

With a groan she made it out of bed and into the bathroom to finally take a quick shower and brush her teeth. When she returned, her phone was blinking again.

Cool thx! I’m at that old tanning saloon. Breite Straße 54.

Evelyn quickly put on jeans and a hoodie and typed while walking to her car, on my way.

She knew exactly which place Ariel meant. The old solarium had been closed two years ago and already looked like a liminal place. The windows were too dirty to look inside and the colours of the stickers with suns and tan skinned people had been washed out. Consequently, she was incredibly surprised to find that the solarium was completely lit. Lit, as in aflame.

“The situation escalated a tiny bit,” Ariel coughed as they walked out of the building and met Evelyn in the parking lot.

“A tiny bit?” she asked disbelievingly.

“Well, the fire was really of a manageable size before.”

Evelyn just stared at them as the flames suddenly erupted and shot right into the sky.

“And then that happened,” they added. Their voice had a hint of exasperation and anger, instead of guilt or shame or anything Evelyn would have suspected someone to feel after upsetting a fire salamander. The clear yellow flames did not yet actually burn anything, they were simply proof of the fire spirit’s power.

“What exactly did you do to make a fire spirit so mad?”

“What makes you think I did anything? That thing clearly started it!” The flames shot even higher.

“I think the spirit disagrees. Just let me handle it, better stay out of it.” Evelyn handed them her car keys and walked right into the solarium, ignoring the prickling pain on her skin as she walked through the flames.

In the end, it took three hours to calm the fire salamander down. The accounts on how the argument between Ariel and the spirit had come to be were vastly different, so Evelyn decided not to bother too much with it. It ranged from ‘Someone tried to kick me out of my home and clearly did not hesitate to threaten me with death!’ to ‘I politely asked it to move to the park nearby to save its life!’ The matter was handled, so she walked back to her car where Ariel was waiting in the passenger seat.

Just like the fire before, the tears sitting in the corner of their eyes came as a great surprise.

“Ariel…”

“It just got a jump on me. I really didn’t want to upset it so much,” they mumbled and rubbed over their arms where their brown skin turned a bit red from the spirit’s fire.

“It’s okay now,” Evelyn said and the words sounded weak in her own ears. She always hated to hear them. But the sad pout on Ariel’s lips relaxed a bit, nearly curled up to a smile, even.

“Thank you for helping out. I really appreciate it. Explaining this to some professionals would have been so messy and I know you’re good at it. I didn’t mean to annoy you though, you’re probably super busy-”

“You can call me any time. I enjoy helping you out.” When she said those words, she found she really meant them. Finally, Ariel’s lips found the rest of the way into a smile. Their stomach grumbled noisily.

“Do you want to grab something to eat together?” Evelyn asked, her heart beating too hard in her chest while she tried to smother the voice telling her that she was being presumptuous.

“Gladly. But I will not go into any place like this.” They held out their red arms and Evelyn nodded.

“There’s a really good Chinese restaurant nearby. We could eat at my place if you want. It’s pretty chaotic at the moment though.”

“As long as I get food out of it, I really don’t care,” Ariel laughed, so Evelyn drove back, the solarium at their backs. They got the food on their way, walked into her apartment and sat down on her bed. She had left the kitchen door closed and had walked past it in an attempt to hide the unwashed dishes in the sink. Something had settled over the two of them then, in a strictly metaphorical sense. They had eaten in silence, then talked and chatted for a while. Evelyn had grabbed skin cream to help with the red burns and from then onward, they had kept in contact daily, helping each other out with their cases.

Even after Ariel had graduated and started to work independently as a curse-broker, they found time enough to actually grab coffee and work on cases.

It was summer then, when Evelyn’s sister called.

This was nothing out of the ordinary, strictly speaking, even if the calls had become rare, scattered over the little free time they both had. It started in its usual way of them asking how they were, and it was then that Evelyn told her about Ariel.

“Ah, I am so happy to hear that you found a good friend!”

“Yeah, thanks, Amanda.” She doodled senseless circles on a piece of paper.

“It’s so good that you’re not alone. You know, mum also worries that you might be lonely so far away from home.”

Evelyn couldn’t hold back a scoff. “Says you.” As if not being lonely ruled out missing the people she loved.

“That’s right,” she laughed and then cleared her throat. So she had something big to announce. “Eve, I wanted to tell you that I will stay here a bit longer after all.”

“That’s cool,” she managed to press out after taking a deep breath and ignored the sour feeling it left inside. “Did you get a new opportunity?”

“Yeah. They offered to expand my contract. And I also met someone. His name is Liam.”

“Your voice gets all soft,” Evelyn mumbled and smiled, unable to hide how happy she was for her sister. Happy, even if something stung a bit inside of her. “How long will you stay then?”

“I am not sure yet.”

“Mn.” Evelyn took another shaky breath. “Don’t forget to visit sometime, then.”

“I would never,” Amanda laughed and then kept on talking about her life, about Liam and about her work. There was not really a good explanation for why this pulled Evelyn down so much. It just did, and as so often with these things, explanations of any kind didn’t really exist.

When Ariel texted a week later to ask if they could come over, Evelyn had to decline. Not because she wouldn’t have liked to have Ariel over. It was just that the unwashed dishes were not only in the sink, they also sat on her desk. There were no clean clothes to change into, not even dirty clothes with a smell that could be covered up by deodorant. Dry shampoo wouldn’t work at this stage anymore either. She could hardly even see the floor. So, really, it wasn’t even her decision to make.

The next time they had success working together, they celebrated by getting take-out, and still Evelyn did not truly feel that excitement in her bones. Vaguely, Evelyn noticed that this was something she would usually talk about with Leonie in the library, but exams came and time went by. And soon another month passed during which she kept declining and postponing Ariel.

The cases she took got rarer. The cases she worked with Ariel on got rarer. And the times her sister called got rarer as well.

_____

previous chapter || WIP intro || masterlist || next chapter

#writeblr #novella #my writing #original fiction #fantasy #urban fantasy #ghosts #curses #wip; heart of silver #heart of silver chapter 6 #tw depression

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starr-fall-knight-rise · 4 years

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HASO, “Letting Go.”

Wrote this today, hope you like it, and hope you all have a great day :)

“We have to take him to a hospital.”

His hearing echoed, his ears rang, and his body felt cold and numb. He hurt all over.

“No! That's the last thing he needs right now.”

“Not to be rude but, are you stupid! The last tie i checked, I am the only one here with a Doctorate in actual doctoring.

The world swirled slowly to the left and then to the right.

“Last time I checked I’ve been in his shoes before. You have any idea what they are going to do, they are going to assume he jumped off that bridge on purpose. They are going to strap him down, which is going to make things worse, they are going to bring in psych, who are then going to determine that he should be locked down. That is the last thing this man needs right now, and believe me I have been in his shoes.” he faded out and then back in again.

“Than what do you suggest.”

“You’re a doctor aren’t you, so as long as we have you, he is going to be fine. Let's just get him back to my hotel, but I am telling you the last thing he needs is a noisy smelly hospital room.”

“And how are we going to get him back?”

He faded back in and back out again, “I can carry him.”

“He weights over two hundred pounds.” “Than I will take lots of breaks.”

He faded out again, this time for a long while, waking up only briefly an unknown time later. He was lying, uncomfortably over someone else’s shoulder and staring at the ground as it passed by below him. Little streaks of light dotted his vision from the pain, and he felt back unconscious before he could really understand what was going on.

***

Kier Lindsay stared down at the young man, watching as the strange little alien creature got to work. He had once heard that multitasking was pretty much impossible for humans as the brain was too interconnected to allow for it, but his creature didn’t seem to have any problems. All four of its arms seemed to work independently of each other as it stitched the unconscious man back into one piece. Looking him over the doctor had determined that he had managed to fracture his good leg and some of the bones in his right arm and side, but otherwise he was less injured than they had hoped.

Then again this was without considering the psychological duress he might be under at the moment.

He grimaced thinking about it.

He had been there before, he had been there and he had hurt a lot of people in the process.

He continued to watch as the alien stitched the other man up with great precision…

Man?

Honestly he wasn’t much more than a kid, his face was still smooth, unscared by time . Not a hint of white showed in his blond hair, and as he slept, the lines of his face were soft enough that Kier couldn’t shake the feeling that he WAS nothing more than a child.

A child who had had responsibility placed on him far to soon.

To be only in you late twenties and have command of an entire galactic armada.

That was too much to ask for anyone, much less someone like him. Kier couldn’t shake the thoughts as he stared down thinking about how despite technically being an adult for a long enough time, he doubted this man had ever been given a chance to grow up, at least not in the right ways. Turned to the academy at age fourteen, he had been doing adult jobs for longer than most people. He had been thrown into an environment where intelligence and performance mattered but social opportunities were sort of lacking, and then to be thrown right onto the enterprise and into war before trying to recover and immediately turning back to the one group of people that had failed him so badly…..

Adam vir was just a kid, an overly optimistic too trusting kid who had been taken advantage of by the system time and time again. He was like a golden retriever hurt by his master but still loyal enough to come crawling back.

It almost made him sick to watch, but he knew just by looking at him that he would never consider leaving.

Even if it were for his health.

Kier sighed and sat down by the bed staring at the boy with his chin cupped in one hand.

He had a son about Adam Vir’s age, a boy that was just beginning to pull his life together into some semblance of controlled. It had taken him a lot of mistakes and a lot of experience to figure out who he was, and he ached for the realisation that this man probably never got that.

He knew the feeling all too well.

He shook himself a little, dad mode was something you couldn’t really just turn off, at least not in his case. If there were people younger than him, he felt the automatic obligation to adopt them whether they wanted it or not.

Young people deserved guidance from someone who was older and the more people to do it the better. Lindsay hadn’t seen any of Adam’s family members at the trial, which didn’t necessarily mean anything, but he also got the impression that maybe the had avoided telling them on purpose, which was another red flag he was going to have to discuss with the boy woke up.

If he woke up.

***

He woke up some time later, though he couldn’t have guessed what time. The room was dark aside from the blue light of the TV. A little bit of natural light filtered in from the window, but rain clouds dotted blanketed the sky above. Rain pattered against the window in sheets obscuring the city landscape.

He groaned and tilted his head to the side.

A soft whimper, and something warm and wet ran over the back of his hand.

He tilted his head to the side.

The room was small, only big enough for a queen sized bed, a tv and a small desk. There was adoor to a small bathroom right next to a door that likely lead out into the hallway. The hotel room was small, but clean.

And it wasn’t his.

He turned his head a little further, gritting his teeth against the pain as his bleary eyes fell on the silhouette of a man sitting at the end of the bed. He was slightly hunched forward one hand resting on his knee as he flipped through the channels.

“Adam, can you hear me.��

He turned his head a little further to the right, to where Kril was standing beside him, a look of concern on his face.

The silhouette turned to face him, no more than a balck blob against the light. It was impossible to make out his face.

“Where am I? He croaked

The man stood and stepped forward, stepping out of the way of the TV and allowing some light to fall on the side of his face, “My hotel room, sorry about how cramped it is, but until yesterday I was kind of short on cash.”

Adam blinked, the cogs in his brain grinding to a slow start as he stared at the man’s face, which was familiar but he just couldn’t…

“Cigarette.”

It was the first word his brain could think of to describe the man when he finally recognised him, and in his goggy state it was the only thing he could think of, “Where do you even buy those these days.”

“Lets just say if I could quit my smoking habit than maybe I wouldn’t be so short of cash…. Anyway, how are you feeling.”

“Like shit…. What…. What happened.”

The other man sighed and pulled up the chair from the desk, sitting next to him, “You must have had a pretty bad PTSD attack. Looks like you jumped off an overpass and then rad headfirst into a brick wall.”

He grunted, “that explains a lot I guess….” he paused, “I thought…. I thought I was doing fine. I felt…. Fine and now…” A hand rested on his shoulder, “I know, I understand.”

Adam blinked, squinting at him slightly in the darkness, “Who are you/”

“The name is Kier but most of my friends call me Lindsay. I don’t know why, guess our days in the army just sort of rubbed off on us, now we only refer to people by their last names really.”

“What were you doing at the trial.”

The man smiled a little sadly, “Watching some assholes git their comeuppance, oh, and being awarded about five million dollars compensation.”

It took Adam even longer to digest that, “You….. you’re Steel eye-” The last two words came out as a squeak.”

Lindsay turned on the light by the bed, bathing them both in a warm yellow glow. Now that Adam could get a good look at him, he saw an older man probably in his late forties or early fifties. His hair was steel grey but well groomed, and he had the body of a man half his age. He wore only a tattered flannel rolled up to the sleeves and a white T-shirt. The back and sides of his arms were dotted with familiar circular scars all with a silver sort of sheen.

And, surprisingly, little silver dots….

Iron eye implants.

He turned his head to stare up at him, “You…. you are one of the five.”

“Yep, we never met during the war but I’ve been watching your career on the news for some time now. Some real impressive stuff kid.” he smiled, smiled and easy smile of someone who actually meant it.

Adam felt a sudden pang of guilt and shame.

For a moment he couldn’t figure out what it had stemmed from, until he realised. This man seemed fine, and here he was a complete wreck.

“How are you….. Ok after all that?” he wondered almost bitterly.

Lindsay shook his head, “Don’t start with that. I've jumped from one war to another my entire life. I have more experience than you.”

Adam went quiet, “So you were fine…. After steel eye.”

The man snorted, “No… no no, not even close.”

“What happened, if you don’t mind me asking.”

The man shrugged, “Lost both my legs in the war, one above the knee and one below. When I got home my family didn’t have enough money to get me good prosthetics, so I was pretty much wheelchair bound for a year or so.” he sighed, “I came back a shell of a man to a family who really needed a father. It was so bad for a time, everyday I thought about just…. Not being there anymore. I didn’t talk to my wife, I didn’t talk to my kids, and when I did speak I was angry all the time or apathetic.” His shoulders slumped, “For a time, I didn’t have much of a relationship with my middle daughter or my oldest son. I had drug withdrawals so bad I even wheeled myself halfway across town to try and find something…. Heroin maybe, anything that might take the edge off,” He snorted sadly, “I see it as a blessing now that no one would sell to me. I went over the edge drinking, and chain smoking and trying to bum pills off of any doctor I could find. Luckily with regulations on pills these days, I wasn’t given any.”

Adam felt his mouth go dry, “That bad.”

He nodded, “Woke up screaming most nights because of the dreams. For a while my kids moved out of the house because my wife was scared for thor safety.” He held up a hand, “Even during that time I would never have hit them intentionally, but my dreams were getting so bad that I would wake up flailing, and I would jump at the smallest sound. Anything could set me off.”

He sighed sadly, “But my wife bless her soul, is the strongest woman I know.” He reached into his pocket, and pulled out a photograph showing it to Adam with a look of pride so profound it made even Adam’s heart ache.

What he saw was a nice family. Two younger kids, a teenage boy, and a woman.

She had short black hair spiked up and dark lipstick on, and the look on her face was indicative of someone full of mischievous humor.

“My angel. She stayed by me even though she should have left. I tried to get her to leave, even made my behavior worse at one point to drive her off. She SHOULD have left me, but she didn’t. I had the mot amazing support system. She held me from falling any further into it, and my little girl, my little girl Bethany, that little girl pulled me out by my hair and dragged me back to reality. She was too young to realise how horrible I was being, and she just thought I was sick. No matter how much my wife tried to keep hr away from me, she always came to see me somehow, with ‘medicine’.”

He smiled, “Generally it was just a tube of baby M&Ms. I refused at first, but she insisted, and the one day I decided to take them just to quiet her down, she told me that I would be all better.”

He waited with pent up breath.

“That night, I slept without nightmares…. The placebo effect is a hell of a thing if a child can convince a grown ass man that M&Ms ar medicine. I woke up and my head had never been so clear in my entire life. I saw what I was doing to them, and to my little girl and to my other kids…. I have never cried that hard in my entire life, but it was just what I needed. Some emotion to break the cycle of anger and apathy. It wasn’t an easy road from there, but I finally got smart and started listening to my wife. Somehow managed to get my kids to forgive me, and from there we worked as a team to get me back on my feet.” he patted the cigarette in his pocket, “This is what remains from those days…. Can’t seem to quit, but working on it.”

Adam was quiet for some time,

“It was that hard on your family.”

“It was. I am glad they stayed but at the same time I wish they hadn’t been so hurt by me.

He sighed and leaned his head back, “I don’t think that is possible for me.”

A hand turned to rest down on his shoulder, “I know it sounds hard right now but…. I have a theory if you want to hear it.”

He sighed, “Shoot, it's not like I have any other bright ideas.”

“What are you?”

“What do you mean.”

“I mean when all the trappings are stripped away from you, your job and your title…. What makes you…. You.”

He paused for a moment, opened his mouth and then closed it, “I…. Im a….I….” The other man waited, his eyes sad.

The only things Adam could think of were related to his job.

When he was silent for some minutes, the man patted his arm, “All these years of service and you've never taken time to construct a framework for yourself that can survive outside of your job. If you keep defining yourself by what you do and how well you preform than you aren’t going to last. You constantly do everything for everyone else, but why not think about doing something for yourself for once, be completely selfish. Don’t go on vacation because, I bet this will calm me down and make me a better leader when I return, go on vacation because you bloody well want to job be damned.”

Adam opened his mouth to protest, but the man silenced him.

“Even if you love your job, you need breaks from it. You need to set the line to where your job ends and you begin, otherwise you won’t have a personality left when you are done. Take some time to fix YOU before lending yourself to everyone else.”

He rested his head back, “That sounds….. Difficult.”

The man patted him on the arm, “You’ve proven you can do hard things, now is just the time to do another hard thing.”

Adam nodded but inside his head he was beginning to feel a little hopeless. He knew that Lindsay was right. He knew that he was messed up, and everything he had done up to this point was just going to be a bandage.

And until he was fixed.

He was going to have to give up a few things.

He hated the idea of hurting people like Lindsay had described, so…. So that meant doing something that he wasn’t going to like.

“Do you…. Do you mind if I…. speak with you…. On occasion.”

The man smiled, “I already put my number in your phone if you need me. I work law enforcement now so I might be busy, but if you need my help Ill do my best.”

***

He didn’t want the court’s blood money. He would have tossed it away if he could, but he knew that was just his confused mind talking. Money was money, so he mostly gave it away. Gave it away to his parents for their retirement, and to his brothers and sisters for their kids college funds. He gave some to his brother to get him a better house in a new area, but he kept some for himself. It would have been irresponsible not to buy himself a house, to get himself a place away from his job and the ship.

He didn’t know where to buy it at first thinking that earth was too mundane but anything further out was too far removed. So, he bought a little private property on the moon. It cost a shit ton of money but, he had that in spades now. He only told his family about it.

They weren’t exactly happy with them when he finally told them where he had been. They had wanted to be there to support him, but he couldn’t find t in himself to feel bad that they hadn’t see the pictures and the videos he had been forced to see. He apologized and promised he would do better in the future.

He felt disconnected from himself.

Out of touch.

The crew of the Omen was just as angry with him, perhaps even more so than his family.. The intervening days that led him back to his ship feeling detached was like…. Some sort of horrible dream. He felt like he was slipping backward down a slippery slope and watching the light fade away from him.

He was scrambling on the rocks but couldn’t find purchase.

Perhaps it was the idea of what he had to do next that hurt him so much. Hurt him so much that he didn’t want to think about it, but he knew he had to. He didn’t want to but he knew he had to. It was the only way he was going to be able to feel ok about himself, about fixing himself.

Maybe things would change when he finally came back.

Maybe when he recovered, he could change what he was about to do.

And maybe he was about to ruin it forever.

He walked down the hallway of the engineering corridor despondent, like he was watching himself in third person.

He reached out a hand that didn’t feel like his and knocked on the wall of the ship.

A familiar face turned to look at him from her workspace in the dark. Sunny stood and paused to look at him, “Adam, are you alright.”

“Sunny…. We…. need to talk.”

She paused eyes narrowing in confusion.

“Are you ok.” she repeated.

He walked in taking a seat on her work bench and staring down at his hands.

“Is this about, the trial….. I mean yes I am a little mad that you didn’t tell me. Is it because I’m a Drev, is it because it would have looked bad. I know I don’t understand human politics, but maybe….”

He held up a hand, and she grew quiet.

He sat for a long moment fighting himself on the inside,and then forcing himself to look up at her. He could feel hot tears prickling at the back of his eyes though, for some reason he couldn’t get them to fall.

She deserved that he at least LOOK at her.

He felt sick.

He just wanted to throw up.

This…. This was the hardest thing he had ever done.

“Sunny…. I… while I was away, at the trial.”

She stared at him slow horror and confusion passing across her face.

“Well, I learned some things about myself. Number one being that, I….. I never recovered from what happened to me. From Steel eye and the war. Ive been bandaging it up for the past few years assuming that I can fix it, but at this point…. I wonder if I ever will.” He took a deep breath and locked eyes with her, “I’m broken, and until I can fix myself…. I think its best if-”

“No, no no no that's not how this works.”

He continued speaking, “I think it's best if we take a break.”

“NO!”

“Sunny I love you but I. I am not Capable of being what you need or deserve.” he stood reaching a hand forward, “I can’t subject you to myself like that.”

She jerked away from his hand, “that should be MY decision it would be OUR decision.”

“Sunny please…. I am so sorry.”

“On my planet, battle pairs fight WITH each other no matter how hard the battle is.”

His voice shook timorous and fading fast, “And on my planet, sometimes loving someone means letting them go.”

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kazuwhora · 3 years

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Hello~ may I request a matchup, plz?♡

I'm an infp 9w8 female and I'm also biromantic asexual. My zodiac is aries sun, virgo moon and capricorn rising. Also my love language is physical touch and quality time^_^♡

Personality: I'm an independent person who knows how to ask for help. I'm usually seen as intimidating at first, which is why some people get surprised at my friendly and affectionate traits. I can be quite quiet but also very talkative, it depends on my mood or the subject. I have two younger brothers who means the world to me, but I'm not so protective of them. I'm quite laid back and chill. Altough if someone dear to me got attacked, I'll not hesitate to protect that person. However I only attack if my friend doesn't do it before me. I'm open minded and I'm very interested in subjects that are seen as taboos, for example the mafia, tattoos, gangs and sexual topics. Also my dream career is being a tattoo artist with my own studio.

Hobbies: drawing, train kickboxing, reading fanfictions and manga, scroll internet and listen to music.

Likes: tattoos, anime, music, coffee, some taboos, martial arts, games, cafes, food and cuddles.

Dislikes: too strong morals, too dependent people, insects, lies, slimy things and overly religious people and beliefs.

Habits: I tend to daydream a lot and forget some things-_-"

I hope this wasn't to much text and I wish you a nice year!♡

hello fellow ace ily and you are very welcome on this blog w me and my asexuality LOL

im matching you up with pretty boy ran! (didnt even have to think much abt this one)

you and ran are just a nice, easy breezy duo. what more could you ask for really? he's a bit of an airhead, I cannot lie to you there. but it's fine, he's a sweet airhead that also likes to make you happy and will do anything to see you smile.

ran is appreciative of your laid back nature. once you're able to break through with him, he finds it rather charming, and much enjoys your ability to adjust to being quiet or talkative. as an ISTJ, ran will value stability and routine, something your earth dominated big 3 can bring to the table.

ran is also the type of person to want to keep you somewhat hidden from the life he lives. he wont necesarrily hide it from you, but he wont be willing to talk in great detail about what he does during the day. as an INFP, this might be something you'll struggle with as INFP's tend to gravitate towards knowing the full extent of their partner. but something about ran's charm and the way he smiles down on you will make you forget all about being annoyed that he wont tell you about his day beyond "it was good love' and even though he wont really wanna tell you about his day (despite you knowing the shit that goes on) what he will do is gladly do kickboxing with you partly because he thinks its a good opportunity to make sure you're capable of handling yourself if things ever went sour, and also partly bc my boy is really only good at hitting people with objects besides his body ok so please help him a little but don't make it obvious you're helping him or he'll get a little pouty and beg you to do something different.

if anyone is gonna support your career dream its gonna be ran. he loves to sit there and watch you draw, and he'll definitely poke and prod at you to draw things he likes just because he wants to see you're thinking about him when you're immersed in drawing. he's an airhead like I said so he'll probably be hanging out on the couch with you while you draw, and he'll get a sticky note and a pen thats half dead and start drawing the ugliest fucking portrait of you like its really bad he's not good and then he'll show it to you like here!!! look what I did!!! and you'll have to just smile and nod otherwise his feelings will be hurt even though he knows its bad and he wont talk to you for the rest of the night to see how far you'll go for his attention.

sugar daddy ran will buy you a studio space and everything you need to be an artist dont worry <3

#tokyo revengers matchup #anime match ups

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imagine-loki · 4 years

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Stubborn Independence

TITLE: Stubborn Independence

CHAPTER NO./ONE SHOT: 7/10

AUTHOR: brightsun-and-darkmidnight

ORIGINAL IMAGINE:

Imagine Loki struggling to adjust to someone who is independent and insists on paying for themselves all the time, even if it is a struggle sometimes. They need to do everything on their own. They never ask for help and refuse help. Just imagine Loki really wanting to spoil this person. Imagine how creative he would get to make life easier on this person who has captivated him.

Imagine being a talented singer at your local club. Loki comes in one night with Thor and the others (he’d rather be anywhere else but who turns down free drinks?) and gets ensnared in the voice of the beautiful singer on stage. Suddenly, his interest (and arousal) are more than piqued.

Imagine getting into a petty fight with Loki, so in retaliation, he puts everything on the top shelf where you can’t reach?

AUTHOR’S NOTES: College AU. Loki is determined to take over Odin’s company. He works hard and has a strict schedule for success. However, with the interference of Thor and the other four, Loki’s plans are often interrupted so they can play matchmaker.

My Ao3: brightsun_and_darkmidnight

~ ~ ENJOY ~ ~

“Niagara Falls here we come!” Sirena cheered once everyone was ready to get in the cars.

It was a long drive but being in Sirena’s vehicle was all the entertainment he needed.

With music playing on the radio for a little, then phones hooked up to play personal songs. Then to stay awake Sirena put on funny podcasts. There wasn’t a dull moment the the entire time. Once at the hotel they rested for a little then went to a restaurant to eat.

Loki whispered to Sirena with a hand on her thigh to catch her attention. “Darling let me pay.”

Sirena pouted but her eyes showed the thoughts going through her mind. “Can I buy you something as a souvenir?”

Loki knew she had issues with being spoiled but they were making progress. With a little squeeze to her thigh, “Of course.”

Tony had a pamphlet with the map of the falls and the trails.

They all went to look at the shops for a while then when it got dark they went back to the hotel and relaxed, tired from the traveling and everyone wanted to get an early start tomorrow.

Loki got a shower first then Sirena got hers. Loki was drying his hair with a towel when she came out.

Loki swallowed because she was in a tank top and short shorts. She was beautiful, especially her wonderful soft curves and thick thighs. Loki cursed himself as he had to think about something other than Sirena.

She was blow drying her hair in all different parts to her hair.

Loki had to know, “What are you doing?”

“This is what I do to get my hair…” she flipped her hair dramatically, “flippy.”

“So that is your secret to hair always looking nice.”

“Yep. Come here I can do yours.”

Loki went to her and sat in the desk chair of the room. Her fingers were gentle in his hair and he found himself relaxing until Sirena stopped for a second to turn off the dryer. Her fingers returned to Loki’s hair and massaged his scalp then shoulders. Loki was in bliss, he couldn’t recall the last time he had a massage.

She commented quietly. “You carry a lot of stress…”

Loki breathed relaxed, “Yeah.” He hummed once she found a good spot. “My father is planning on giving either Thor or I the company… Thor has been slacking and his grades are not the best.”

Loki heard Sirena’s heavy sigh. “So that’s why you have been working so much at your job and programing more.”

“Yes.” Loki’s pleased sounds made her laugh. “That feels really good.”

Loki felt more pressure on a particular space on his shoulder blades that made him moan out. He heard her amusement as she spoke.

“With the near sinful sounds coming out of you I wouldn’t be surprised of everyone’s idea of what we are doing.”

“I haven’t had a massage in forever.”

“My hands are getting tired. Do you want me to go over anything again?”

Loki was grateful for the massage and put his hands on hers. He moved her to the front and hugged her with her in between his legs. Her hands went to his head and she smiled down at him.

“I love you.”

Sirena giggled. “I love you too.”

Loki stood and gave her a kiss to which Sirena deepened. They were both out of breath by the time they separated.

Loki seen the time and Sirena did too.

Sirena asked, “I guess we should go to sleep?”

Loki grumbled out of annoyance of his body’s reaction to the kiss. “If we want to get an early start.”

Loki felt Sirena looking at him so he smiled and gave her head a kiss. Loki seen the forced smile she gave and watched her go to her bag. Loki went to his side of the bed as Sirena laid a blanket on her side.

She spoke as she set up her area, “I am going to hog the blankets, kick you off the bed and punch you when you try to get it back. THAT is why I have this blanket.”

Loki chuckled, “Even in your sleep you are a fireball.”

“Yep. Unfortunate for you though.” Sirena laughed as she got in the bed.

Sirena laid on her side to face him. “Goodnight Loki.”

“Goodnight Sirena.”

The night was hell for Loki.

Sirena was peacefully asleep while Loki fought for his blanket. Eventually he abandoned the bed to set the thermostat up higher so there would be no need for blankets… but then Sirena wouldn’t stop moving, thus keeping him up. He decided to hold onto her to try and keep her still and thankfully it worked.

When Loki woke due to alarms. His body ached and Sirena was still sound asleep. With a groan Loki went to his phone to snooze the alarm. He cuddled with Sirena again and once the hotel alarm clock went off Sirena groaned. Loki moved away so she could stretch to turn the alarm off.

Sirena had a silly smile, “Did you hold me all night?”

Loki yawned before answering. “No. But I will start tonight off that way. It was like I was sleeping with a tornado.”

Sirena groaned, “Oh my god its so hot.”

Loki went to adjust the thermostat. “I put the heat on so I didn’t need to wrestle you for the blanket.”

“Was I that bad?”

Loki held back the growl. “I don’t mean to sound rude but yes. The only way to keep you still was to hold you.”

She looked sheepish, “sorry.” She got up and went to her bag, getting clothes and walked to the bathroom. “Do you want to lay down and I can go get breakfast for you?”

“I will be ok. I will drink some caffeine."

Loki went to get his clothes ready as Sirena was in the bathroom. His body hurt in odd places and every time he would move his neck it would crack and his back felt like it needed an adjustment. Last night was not easy and he hopped tonight would be better.

Loki needed to apologize to her for his short responses. He knew he would be fine after breakfast but he still felt terrible.

She came out of the bathroom looking beautiful as always but she was noticeably upset.

"Sirena I am sorry for my abrupt responses. I will be fine after breakfast.”

“Its ok. I know I am not the best at sharing a bed with.” She gave him a big smile, “thanks for the apology. That means so much.”

Loki kissed her forehead before going to the bathroom.

The day had a ton of walking which did nothing to help with the aches of his body but he made it through with the excitement of Sirena and her picture taking. The falls were an impressive sight and breathtaking beautiful. Also deafening loud when they were going through the caves but Sirena was obviously enjoying herself. Anytime there was a picture opportunity, there was a picture taken. Loki was looking forward to get back home to see the pictures on his computer.

There were a few shops they went into and Sirena bought him a huge mug that came with a spoon for his tea.

Loki held the mug and cheerfully said, “Thank you.”

Tony called for everyone’s attention, “Where does everyone wanna eat tonight?”

Sirena shrugged at Loki as everyone threw ideas around. Loki got to pay for dinner again and that was what mattered most.

After getting back to the hotel and got ready for bed, Loki held Sirena and sleep went much better than last night.

The vacation was great and seemed to give Sirena the boost she needed to get back to working constantly. Loki admitted he loved spending all that time together and was looking forward to the next vacation. The pictures came out great and they were added to her collection of vacation photos.

Once the new semester started Loki valued each moment he could get with Sirena.

#Loki #Lover #Submitted fic #submission #stubborn independence #chapter 7 #brightsun-and-darkmidnight

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ivebeenmade · 4 years

Text

Jim Hutton (transcript 1995 interview)

From Irish Radio(November 1995)

Interview with Jim Hutton

Interviewer - I'm trying to work out your accent, I'm intrigued by the fact you won't say what county you're from even because you are photographed with Freddie on the front of the book, the book is in all stores all over the country at the moment, will you even tell us the county. Jim - That's an old photograph, I have changed. Interviewer - No I can see I'm looking at you and I'm looking at the photograph. Jim - The hair is blonde now. Interviewer - And apart from a few gray hairs at the edges you still have the moustache and you still look very handsome and I can see why Freddie was struck, a very strong looking individual. But you are from Ireland. Jim - I'm from Ireland. Interviewer - When did you discover you were gay?

Jim - I think I actually discovered, well discovered is a very strong word to use, I felt something odd about me around the age or thirteen maybe fourteen, I suppose admitted I was gay well, maybe around just seventeen. Interviewer - And what was it like growing up in a small Irish town realising you were so different Jim - Well I suppose to me I was basically the only one that was like that, that was just I felling I had, I had obviously had not met anybody else, I suppose like most young people immaterial whether you are gay or not your sexuality that's something to be discovered. So it's taboo. Interviewer - And did you confide in anyone Jim? Jim - Nobody. Interviewer - And you went to London then. Jim - I didn't actually go to London. I went to Kent, I had some relatives in Kent. Interviewer - But you hadn't come out in Ireland so to speak. Jim - Oh no, I went over on a holiday originally and ever since then I hav'nt looked back. Interviewer - And that's when you came out. Jim - Yes, its much easier there are bars/clubs/pubs. Interviewer - And when did your mother discover that you were gay? Jim - I actually think that mothers, its instinct with them, I really and truthfully do. Interviewer - You think she knew all along? Jim - I think she knew all along and suppose throughout the years she was waiting for me to tell her. Its waiting for an opportunity and really a lot of time that opportunity never really presents itself. There is never the right time and unfortunately we either have to hit while the iron is hot and just say bang, you know, its sand I think a lot of people not necessarily in Ireland but a lot of people I know on the gay seen like a tragedies happened in the family then they tell the family, because they are already dealing with a one shock so a second one is not so bad. Which I think is very sad they have to do that, they have to wait. Interviewer - Wait like for a funeral or something. Jim - Yes, Never a wedding (laughs). Interviewer - So when did you tell your mother? Jim - A few years before Freddie died. The whole family, I mean she just said well they thought as much, my neph's & nieces I have quite a lot of them, a big Irish family, for years they suspected. Apparently they all used to discuss it when they were younger between themselves. Interviewer - Jim is different. Did they call you Jim? Jim - They always called me Sheamus, Uncle never Aunt. Interviewer - And when did they discover that Uncle Sheamus Hutton was Freddie Mercury's boyfriend? Because they probably would have loved Freddie's singing. Jim - I don't really know if they cottoned on to it, I did tell them that as far as my connection with Freddie was I was his gardener, I worked for him which I did do, as for the relationship, I don't really know, they might have suspected, but certainly when he died. Interviewer - And does your family now accept openly that you are gay? Jim - Oh yes, I have a wonderful, I find myself blessed with the family I've got. They really are brilliant. Interviewer - And you travel, you come back to Ireland Jim - Yes I spend about six months a year here roughly. Interviewer - Talk to us about Freddie and his personality, we have this image of this incredible singer with this incredible voice. But describe Freddie’s personality for us. Jim - Do you want the onstage one or the offstage one? Interviewer - The one you knew as his wife or husband. Jim - Everybody knows the onstage one, it is like anybody, I don't know how many year he was on top maybe 20 years, its like anyone who has a nine to five job, once your job is over, that's it I'm outta here, I'm going home, and that's one thing Freddie looked forward to, every time he come from holidays, he's home, you know you get home kick your shoes off just sit down and relax at your own pace. Interviewer - Can of beer. Jim - Bottle of Vodka, whatever took your fancy, but no he really was I suppose a run of the mill Joe Bloggs. Interviewer - And you lived with him, how soon after meeting him did you move in his house? Jim - It may have been something like eighteen months to two years. Which is something orchestrated beautifully as well, I used to live in rented accommodation in Surrey. I think it was one weekend when Freddie was going back to Germany, I gave him my telephone no and I started to get these phone calls at two and three and four o'clock in the morning from Germany, obviously my landlady didn’t appreciate this because she had to answer the phone so she gave me notice to quit. She said I'm fed up with the, I want you out of here in two weeks. Interviewer - And did she know who was it on the phone? Jim - No, no it was just his voice on the phone, another person on the phone. Interviewer - And she's traipsing up and down the stairs and knocking. Jim - And she wasn't a young lady at the time either. Interviewer - So your landlady tells you its time to go. Jim - So I let fly at Freddie over this - I mean you and your bloody phone call at this time in the morning, I've been evicted, so he said fine, you go and live in Garden Lodge. Interviewer - Which is Freddie's house, and when he was ringing you by the way at four o'clock in the morning what was he saying to you. Jim - I haven't a clue, I cannot remember what he was saying to me, its weird. Interviewer - Ok so you moved in with him. And what was that like? There was obviously other staff in the house? Jim - It's such a vast change to everything but I suppose deep down inside me no it wasn't a change. It was but it was'nt. Its very hard to try to describe it. Again I mean it was a place where I suppose like any couple that have their own place together, immaterial of who owns it or what you make a home out of it. Interviewer - But I mean any couple living together - I mean usually both of them are contributing to the household. How did you, you were a hairdresser weren't you? Did you keep that up? Jim - Oh yes, that's a very important part of my life. My independence, very important to me, and I think its one of the things in me Freddie admired, I think it was. He liked people to give out and say no, this is this and that's the way it is. Interviewer - So would you have handed up money to the running of the house, would you have insisted on keeping your independence. Jim - I think I went through a stage where yes but it was very short lived, of donating X amount of money towards food, but that was very short lived, and actually when I started working for him as with the other, Peter and Joe, well then that was all part and parcel of your job, your accommodation everything was included, so I mean you didn't feel obliged to actually, obviously you pay for your own toiletries etc. Interviewer - We remember, Freddie’s' public image, we remember him at Live Aid in particular, fantastic set. Queen I think it was Elton John who said, what did they say, you were there afterwards when Elton John strutted across and said... Jim - You bastard you stole it. Interviewer - Which they did, well U2 were good on the day but Freddie really scored. Jim - Yes, seriously it was my very first time I had been to a live concert. Interviewer - And did people know you as Freddie’s partner, Freddie's husband? Jim - They knew me as Jim, I was with Freddie. And that was it. Interviewer - And people in the business knew that Freddie was gay obviously? Jim - I never heard them discussing it with anyone. Unless there were other people in the business who were gay and they knew each other but I never heard them talking about it. Interviewer - Were you with Freddie before he went on stage that day, I think it was about four o'clock in the afternoon? Jim - I arrived back from the Savoy as I was working doing my hairdressing job that morning, and half day, arrived back, there was quite a few in Freddie's flat that day, they were watching television, I knew there was something big going on, but it did'nt click with me, In actual fact I knew it was Live Aid but what it was that was it, and we had been hanging around his flat and they been watching television and he eventually said to me, "are'nt you going to get ready then" and I said "for what" and he said "you’re coming to this concert today" and I said "wha!!!" Interviewer - And did you talk to him before he ran out on stage, what was he like, was he calm beforehand? Jim - Oh god no, a total bag of nerves. Interviewer - Was he! Jim - Absolute total bag of nerves. Interviewer - Freddie Mercury was nervous before he went onstage? Jim - I think most people are, I mean can you imagine doing this program in front a live audience of seventy two thousand people. Interviewer - And then a million or billion around the world… Jim - It's frightening to see that mass of faces, you never know what’s going to happen. Interviewer - And you were standing at the side of the stage. Jim - I was backstage, I was all over the place actually. Interviewer - And then when Freddie came off how was he? Jim - He was great, I think his line when he goes onstage was I'm Theirs/I'm Yours. And when he came off he just downed a large vodka and just totally flake out, literally just go crash out. Interviewer - Lets just listen to his voice, but before we do, Barcelona with Monserrat Caballe was there a row about the tape when Freddie wasn't well when they performed that. What’s the story in the book? Jim - No that was the Le Nit night, which was the official thing for the Barcelona Olympics and this wasn't the Barcelona song actually it was another different tracking and yes they mimed it, Freddie’s throat was'nt very well. And I think the tape was either running too fast or too slow, now that's how much of a professional he was, he could tell as soon as the tape started, the first note, he knew. Interviewer - Was he one for losing his temper? Jim - Oh he could lose his temper oh god yes, he was human, he was just like you or I. Interviewer -This is Barcelona, Freddie Mercury and Monserrat Caballe, incredible voice Jim, really unbelievable.

Plays Barcelona

Interviewer - You're conducting that Jim, as if, were you there when they performed that first. What was it like? Jim - Oh yeah, it was stunning, absolutely brilliant, it was done at the Koo Club, I think that was before the Olympic flag arrived in Barcelona, it was a pre run to the Barcelona Le Nit, and obviously myself and a few other people knew exactly what was going on, it was a big-big night in the Koo Club. Interviewer - That's in Ibiza... Jim - It's in Ibiza, yes, I mean just to be standing there amongst the crowd. If you knew a little secret and nobody else knew and then all of a sudden everyone knew it. And when Monseratt came out everybody just, I mean Spanish and with she being Spanish they just went WOW. When Freddie came out, I mean they both came out together, you see this, I suppose Monserrat is quite ahh.. Interviewer - Big, big… Jim - Largest lady and the very slender Freddie. I mean it was quite a sight. But I mean just to look at and I don't mean just for sizes, probably the biggest opera star in the world and one of the better known rock stars in the world. Interviewer - One of the better singers in the world as well Freddie was. Jim - And to actually get those two together, two totally different worlds, but that was Freddie he never believed that music should be different. Its all the same thing, its immaterial whether you are singing rock and roll, opera any of those I think he believed that. Interviewer - And did you meet Monserrat? Jim - Oh gosh yes, I met her quite a few times. Interviewer - And what's she like? Jim - The first time I was introduced to her was when she came to Garden Lodge, I think it was to discuss making music together with Freddie, and Freddie threw a beautiful meal/dinner for her, he went out of his way to find out exactly what she would eat. It was a very private dinner. As she came into the lounge she was wearing one of her lovely gowns and she almost tripped. She just stuck her foot on him. And all you could hear was this little voice. " OOOH SHIIIT" she was one of the lads, just as jolly as anybody. Interviewer But it was a glamorous life and I want to talk to you about that glamorous highlife with Freddie Mercury after the break.

BREAK

Interviewer - Welcome back, I'm with Jim Hutton or indeed Sheamus Hutton as he's known, originally from Ireland, but he has just published a book called Mercury and Me, his life with Freddie Mercury of Queen's fame lover. The high life Jim you were flying around from London to Geneva and... Jim - Oh yeah, I always remember the very first time Freddie wanted me to go to Germany and I was very annoyed with him because as I say it's the independence streak in me that he actually sent his chauffeur to get me up the West End of London then to drive me back to Heathrow but also bought my ticket for me first class to Germany, I suppose I was quite chuffed but I was annoyed as well. Interviewer - Why? Jim - I would much prefer to pay that myself. Interviewer - Could you have paid that yourself? Jim - I would have probably gone to a bucket shop and got a cheap ticket. Interviewer - In that high life did you meet all the stars, the Jaggers, the Elton John's and any of them, did you come across them? Jim - No.. Interviewer - Freddie kept to himself really. Jim - Freddie occasionally would have a few, I mean Elton came around a few times, Divine was another one that came around a couple of times, there were a few. But I mean as I say offstage was offstage that was it - forget the music side. Interviewer - And what was your relationship like, Freddie had a reputation for being promiscuous is that a fair word to use, probably isn't a fair word to use? Jim - I don't know, I mean I will be very honest. The way I look at it is, our relationship started when Freddie and I met, and that's when the relationship started not before, not what had been going on before, I probably heard what had went on before yes but we never discussed that. And I think the same applies I suppose to any happy normal relationship, you don't go backtracking on what happened before I met you. Interviewer - But there are a couple of occasions in the book where you suspected. Jim - Yes, he did, where he used to go out and mess me around a bit. I eventually cottoned on but it was mostly friends of mine who tell me he was messing around chatting other people up. But I don't know if it was his insecurity or the fact that I didn't show possessiveness or jealousy, that was the one thing I never showed that I never let him know I was jealous, that was one thing that he wanted to see. He wanted to see me lose my temper. And I did once, I did a few times. Interview - And what did you say to him? Jim - I basically gave him an ultimatum, you know its, you make your mind up what you want, you want me or you want that. I', assuming that what he actually liked to see. I suppose let him know, "don't me with me, don't mess my life up" and that was it, I suppose he wanted to feel he was wanted, I mean seriously wanted not just wanted for the sake of him being Freddie Mercury, it was insecurity I suppose. Interviewer - And you stuck with him through thick and thin? Jim - Yes. Interviewer - And when did you discover he had AIDS? Jim - I think it was probably '87. Interviewer - How did you discover that? Jim - It was around about Easter time, I as actually at home in Ireland, it may have been just after or before Easter. It was certainly not Easter as I didn't spend Easter at home anyway and I trekked four miles into town to get to the nearest phone to phone him up, four miles!! Interviewer - Four miles! Jim - Yes, this is Ireland of 1987, I hope Irish Telecom are listening. Interview - So you traipse four miles… Jim - …into town to phone him up and he's starts screaming at me initially because they hadn't heard from me in a week and I explained that look its an eight mile trek, four miles in and four miles back to make a bloody phone call. He hadn't realised that and he just said to me Oh when are you coming home" and I said "Tomorrow" and he said "oh good, because there is something very important I want to tell you" he didn't sound depressed on the phone or anything and I said "cant you tell me now" he said "no, I cant tell you over he phone." Which I mean I was to find out and discover the following day … I suppose I got home and we had a little cuddle and chat and then he told me, I mean a bombshell, literally Interviewer - And what did he say, did he break the full news to you? Jim - The total news, the total, in one fell swoop. That was it. Interviewer - I've full blown... Jim - Yeah, I mean, I do say in the book that he was an honest guy, and he was, he was honest to me, he was honest to himself, which is more important. Interviewer - And what went through your head when you heard? Jim - I suppose like anybody, you automatically say "oh gosh no I don't believe this we must get second opinion" I think everyone says that with an illness you have, obviously that did go through my head and I said it to him don't be ridiculous, we will get a second opinion. And I mean forgetting for a moment as Freddie said to me "These are the best there are". You know. Interviewer - The doctors he was going to? Jim - The doctors he was seeing, they were the top AIDS specialists. Interviewer - Because he had money Jim - Of course, that's what I was going to say, you forget that he had the money to bring them in. And that was really about the last time we talked, that it was mentioned, I mean as a serious conversation. Interviewer - And did you cry or were you upset? Jim - O I was livid, I was in total disbelief. It took me a long time to actually say yes. Interviewer - And then the impact on you physically because you had been sleeping with him obviously. Jim - He actually...with that conversation he just said to me "if you want to leave me, I will understand, I won’t blame you, I won’t hold it against you" and my feelings for Freddie obviously we were living together now for a while and we were going much stronger and I just said "no, I'm not leaving, why should I" its basically my love for him that said no you don't do this. Interviewer - Then when did you discover that you were HIV positive? Jim - I discovered in 1990, I decided to have a test on the quiet. Interviewer - Did Freddie encourage you to have the test? Jim - Oh Freddie many a time said to me to go and have a test, but I said no-no, I'm ok, many a time. Interviewer - And if I have it I don't want to know. Jim - Well I think this is, you know...he did say that, it was left up to me in the end to go and have a test done. Which I did have very, very quiet. I didn't tell anyone about it. Interviewer - And if I remember you were in, where were you when you got the news of the… Jim - When I got the second, the news of the second test. Freddie and I and Joe were in Switzerland. Our last trip to Switzerland before Freddie died. So it was really three maybe four weeks before Freddie died that the news of my test came through in Switzerland. Interviewer - Do you remember that phone call? Jim - I remember it very well. But the other thing was that I knew beforehand anyway. So I mean it was immaterial to me. I had known in 1990. Interviewer - But this was confirmation. Jim - This is the confirmation. You know and Freddie egged me on to phone my doctor up so I did and he said "I'm sorry, you're positive" and I said "are you sure" he said "yes" and I think you really got to, people handle it totally different. Basically I get on with life, I don't sit down and mope, and think about it, I haven't got time for that. Interviewer - And how is your health now? Jim - Fine, I have had time to sit down and think, oh I've got to headache or whatever, I get on with life. Interviewer - You sat with Freddie as he died. Jim - Sure, I'm sure there are many a person have sat with their parents when they dying, its I don't think there is much difference in that with a parent who is dying or a loved one. Interviewer - I want to talk to you about being with Freddie as he died with great dignity but we will do it after this.

Ad Break.

Interviewer - Welcome back, I'm with Jim Hutton or indeed Sheamus Hutton as he's known, born in Ireland but moved to London when he was about seventeen and has just published a book called Mercury and Me, I might as well give the details now, its £14.99 and its published by Bloomsbury and it's the story of Jim's life with Freddie as man and wife, as lovers for seven years. How soon before Freddie died was he very ill, Jim, because he seemed to be very healthy almost to the very end. Jim - I suppose it really hit me that he was ill around about his birthday which was the 5th of September, when he came down for his early cup of tea, but then again we went off to Switzerland for a ten/fourteen day break, yeah about a month. Interviewer - But he was losing weight. Jim - Yes he was losing weight, but he was still flying around Switzerland, not talking about driving everywhere, get out of the car and go for a little walk along the lake. Interviewer - And was he interested in trying all the various cures, he was on AZT at one stage? Jim - He was on AZT for a period but, I think he became a bit of a guinea-pig for certain drugs but what they were I don't know, as I was unfortunately I didn't medicate Freddie, that was all left up to Peter and Joe, they are the ones that really took him in hand. Interviewer - Staff members in the house. Jim - Yes, and I think that they did try out trial drugs on him. Interviewer - Those last few weeks as Freddie lay in bed seemed to be very traumatic, in terms of he needed a lot of care. Jim - Well not to the degree that the press was making out, I mean a lot of the stuff in the press was just hype, they never bothered to ask anyone what was happening or anything, I mean you are up against a blank wall in situations like that. But ahem no, one of the things Freddie said to his doctors when he was diagnosed was "look when it comes a time for me to go I want to go with dignity, I don't want you guys prodding needles into me and keeping me going" and that was what he did do. I think at the end Freddie made his mind up when we were in Switzerland, I actually say that's why we wanted to go to Switzerland, make his mind up, do I continue with all these drugs, or don't i. And I firmly believe that in Switzerland he said "no, this is it". Because when he did come back from Switzerland I mean it was about three weeks, he deteriorated rapidly, I was actually to discover via Joe that he had come off all his medication except painkillers. And to do something like that must have taken a lot of courage. Interviewer - And he died in November this month, was it November 24th, three years ago? Do you remember the moment he died? Jim - The precise moment you can never tell, I don't think you can tell anyway, but yes the seconds ticking up to it. Interviewer - And was he conscious or... Jim - The day before, that was a Sunday, he was in what they call I think a conscious coma. Interviewer - In and out and... Jim - Well no it was one where you are aware, he was aware of what was going on all around him but yet could not communicate with us, awake. And that evening we went to change the bedclothes etc and what about twelve minutes to seven and as we changed his, I changed his underwear etc., I just looked down and…I said to Peter "he's gone" it was just (clicks his fingers) Interviewer - He'd slipped away. Jim - I think he'd gone the way he wanted to go. With his favourite cat on the bed as well. Interviewer - And this photograph in the book, because you… the last posed photograph of Freddie you actually took. Jim - Yes that was when, before they made the video of These are the days of our lives. Interviewer - Now he looks quite frail. Jim - He had shaved his beard off, everything for the days of our lives. Interviewer - And then of course once Freddie died the papers went berserk. Jim - Well then you know, Field Day, well they went berserk for three weeks before he died. I mean you couldn't move going into Garden Lodge, without hitting a barrage of press. Seriously it was horrendous. And it was a barrage of press they blocked the whole road, everything. Interviewer - Because Freddie had been quite public about having AIDS. Jim - Well… Interviewer - In the sense that he didn't hide the fact. Jim - He didn't hide the fact that he had AIDS, but then again he didn't openly admit it, no not until 24 hours before he died. But then that was a rushed statement which I said in my book that he was coerced into releasing. Interviewer - Oh yeah? Jim - Yes I've got my own reasons why but I wont say what but a lot of things were happening world-wide. Interviewer - Because it was world news when Freddie died. Jim - You had the Magic Johnson came out, around the same period of time all of this. But there are other reasons why I think, my reasons for thinking it is if Freddie had wanted to release that statement he would have done it a long time ago he wouldn't have waited till the last. Interviewer - And what was that like for you, you were losing a husband, a lover? Jim - I had lost everything, literally everything. And I was to learn weeks later even our home. Interviewer - Because? Jim - Well we were politely asked to leave by the executors Interviewer - ..of the will, and he left most of his money to Mary Austin Jim - He had made a promise to Mary many years ago, and Freddie was one of these people that... Interviewer - Explain to our listeners who Mary Austin is because people never… Jim - Mary is...she had a relationship, she had a fling with Freddie, oh crikey, in the seventies, which lasted I don't know how long, I really don't know much on that, only what I read in the papers. She up to his death worked for Freddie as a company secretary. She, well people say Why, Freddie trusted Mary, I think she was the one person he really and truly trusted. And he made a promise to her many years ago, long before I came on the seen that she would have the best part of his estate. And what I'm trying to say is that if Freddie, he was one of these type of people that if he made a promise, he would go out of his way to make sure that promise was kept, that he carried that promise through, so basically he was saying that you don't need to write that down. Interviewer - You now Jim are grieving, you have lost somebody you have obviously been very deeply in love with and vice-versa, and they you have to leave the home were... Jim - Everything, well it wasn't just me it was Joe and Peter also. Interviewer - And were you locked out, literally locked out? Jim - No, we were given a date to leave. I think I was the last one to leave Garden Lodge. Interviewer - And what did Freddie leave you in his will? Jim - In his will Freddie left me financially, he left me well off financially and that is it. Interview - He left you - what did you say in the book? Jim - He left me half a million pounds. Interviewer - Half a million pounds. Jim - But Freddie according to friends left the same amount to myself Peter and Joe so that we would never have to work again. Basically I suppose emphasising that they won't have to buy properties either. That his wishes would be kept, hoping he believed his wishes would be carried out. His verbal wishes. Interviewer - Which were? Jim - Which were that myself, Joe and Peter would stay in Garden Lodge as long as we wanted. Interviewer - Oh I know what you mean, so you are being very strong in the sense that you should still be there and... Jim - Well yes and no, I do believe I suppose in many ways it was good that we were asked to leave but I think that it would have been much nicer that they said in your own time go. Instead of putting a final date to it, you know. It was good in many ways because I mean it made us get out and pick our own lives again, so there was a positive side to it, the negative sides was we as I say were literally kicked out of our own home. We weren't, it was one tragedy on top of another. You know instead of giving you time to grieve over what's happening, to get your life rolling again. Interviewer - So do you think about death, because you HIV and all? Jim - I think everybody does at one stage or another. Well I mean I could walk out of here and get knocked down by a bus. Interviewer - But I'm saying, you knows your are saying its important, Freddie had you and he had other people around the house obviously, have you somebody, I mean will you come back to Ireland. Jim - No I don't think so, I suppose it would be bad enough my family knowing that I had developed full blown AIDS, it would be bad enough having my family to cope with that so why put the other pressure on with my being there., also knowing, I don't know what the medical facilities in Ireland are like. I mean in a years time… Interviewer - They are as good as anywhere I think at this stage. Jim - They probably are, I mean in some cases much better. But I've also got my backup doctors here, they have been looking after me all these years. Interviewer - You sound as if you have been cheated out of, you know… Jim - Out of life. Interviewer - No, not out of life necessarily, but out of the, after Freddie and the house and... Jim - No we were not cheated, we don't feel cheated it that way, as regards feeling cheated, I mean we were basically, the way we felt that we were being dismissed, we didn't exist anymore, you know once the deed was done those three people didn't exist and they were never here. Interviewer - And is that one of the reasons you wrote the book? Jim - No, I've written the book as I suppose a grieving process for myself. I mean it has taken time to write the book, and I suppose in many ways the only thing I probably think about is that I shouldn't have written it so quick, its wasn't written quickly. Because since the book has come out there are a lot of other things that have come out. Interviewer - Sure you are talking a lot more now. Jim - You know this is where the book has helped me, this is the reason, also I suppose to say well look this didn't happen and that this did happen. Interviewer - To put the record straight? Jim - To put the record straight. Interviewer - Also in terms of you being openly and acknowledged as Freddie's, this is the life as the way he chose. Jim - That wasn't the actual issue of writing the book, I suppose friends in the gay world knew who I was anyway. Interviewer - You say, by the way as a complete, I don't know where this is after coming into my head, you talked once about snoring and Freddie gave out to you because you snored. Jim - Oh yes, knocked me out of bed once. Interviewer - Because you snored? Jim - Yes. Interviewer - And were they happy years? Jim - They were, yes they were, yes. Interviewer - Did you go to the concert afterwards, I remember in memory of Freddie? Jim - The Freddie Mercury Memorial Concert, oh yes I was there... Interviewer - And what did you think of that? Jim - I was amongst the crowds, I suppose at he time I was still checking "where's Freddie". I think a lot of people were doing that that day. Interviewer - Do you remember David Bowie going down on... Jim - I remember David kneeled down and saying the Lord’s prayer as we call it, oh yes. Interviewer - That was powerful. Jim - It was powerful but there again you see I do know that some of the press over here say like "how dare he" how dare the go down (slight radio interference)...Freddie praying at nighttime before he goes to bed, before he goes to sleep. Oh yes. Interviewer - And what does he say? Jim - I dunno, whispering, I'd go to bed at night and I'd hear this whispering. And I'd say what are you doing (radio interference again) Interviewer - People wouldn't have imagined. Jim - Well why not, come on. Interviewer - Did you ever help him write songs, I know there was one song he wrote in the bath and he wrote songs to his cat, crazy little thing called love I think was written in the bath? Jim - That was way before my time. No Delilah wasn't written in the bath that was in Switzerland, but as regards helping him write songs, not actually sitting down and, he'd come along to any of us in the house and say come on now I'm writing a song, throw a line at us, and if it didn't sound right to him he'd say, "throw some words at me" Interviewer - Talk to me Jim - Talk to me, and things like that. So that was it as regards to helping him write. Interviewer - So did you ever realise this when you were what 12 or 13 walking around a small Irish town that one day you would be the lover of one of the most famous men in the world? Jim - Oh God no, President of Ireland yes. (Laughs) Interviewer - A more realistic ambition, you are in good health now? Jim - At the moment I am. Interviewer - And continued good health, we will play out now with Freddie voice again "Those were the days of our lives" Were they? Jim - Of course they were. Interviewer - How do you look back on the time? Jim - I will never relive it, that is the way I look back on it and just go forward now. Interviewer - Sheamus Hutton, thanks for joining us and best of luck with the book. Jim - Thank you.

http://spazioinwind.libero.it/simonege/shared/interviews/(56).htm

#jim hutton #freddie mercury

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brightsun-and-darkmidnight · 4 years

Text

Stubborn Independence

TITLE: Stubborn Independence

CHAPTER NO./ONE SHOT: 7/10

AUTHOR: brightsun-and-darkmidnight

ORIGINAL IMAGINE:

Imagine getting into a petty fight with Loki, so in retaliation, he puts everything on the top shelf where you can’t reach?

AUTHOR'S NOTES: College AU. Loki is determined to take over Odin's company. He works hard and has a strict schedule for success. However, with the interference of Thor and the other four, Loki's plans are often interrupted so they can play matchmaker.

Tags: @cateyes315 (I hope this helps your day!!!)

My Ao3: brightsun_and_darkmidnight

~ ~ ENJOY ~ ~

"Niagara Falls here we come!" Sirena cheered once everyone was ready to get in the cars.

It was a long drive but being in Sirena's vehicle was all the entertainment he needed.

With music playing on the radio for a little, then phones hooked up to play personal songs. Then to stay awake Sirena put on funny podcasts. There wasn't a dull moment the the entire time. Once at the hotel they rested for a little then went to a restaurant to eat.

Loki whispered to Sirena with a hand on her thigh to catch her attention. "Darling let me pay."

Sirena pouted but her eyes showed the thoughts going through her mind. "Can I buy you something as a souvenir?"

Loki knew she had issues with being spoiled but they were making progress. With a little squeeze to her thigh, "Of course."

Tony had a pamphlet with the map of the falls and the trails.

They all went to look at the shops for a while then when it got dark they went back to the hotel and relaxed, tired from the traveling and everyone wanted to get an early start tomorrow.

Loki got a shower first then Sirena got hers. Loki was drying his hair with a towel when she came out.

She was blow drying her hair in all different parts to her hair.

Loki had to know, "What are you doing?"

"This is what I do to get my hair…" she flipped her hair dramatically, "flippy."

"So that is your secret to hair always looking nice."

"Yep. Come here I can do yours."

Loki went to her and sat in the desk chair of the room. Her fingers were gentle in his hair and he found himself relaxing until Sirena stopped for a second to turn off the dryer. Her fingers returned to Loki's hair and massaged his scalp then shoulders. Loki was in bliss, he couldn't recall the last time he had a massage.

She commented quietly. "You carry a lot of stress…"

Loki breathed relaxed, "Yeah." He hummed once she found a good spot. "My father is planning on giving either Thor or I the company… Thor has been slacking and his grades are not the best."

Loki heard Sirena's heavy sigh. "So that's why you have been working so much at your job and programing more."

"Yes." Loki's pleased sounds made her laugh. "That feels really good."

Loki felt more pressure on a particular space on his shoulder blades that made him moan out. He heard her amusement as she spoke.

"With the near sinful sounds coming out of you I wouldn't be surprised of everyone's idea of what we are doing."

"I haven't had a massage in forever."

"My hands are getting tired. Do you want me to go over anything again?"

Loki was grateful for the massage and put his hands on hers. He moved her to the front and hugged her with her in between his legs. Her hands went to his head and she smiled down at him.

"I love you."

Sirena giggled. "I love you too."

Loki stood and gave her a kiss to which Sirena deepened. They were both out of breath by the time they separated.

Loki seen the time and Sirena did too.

Sirena asked, "I guess we should go to sleep?"

Loki grumbled out of annoyance of his body's reaction to the kiss. "If we want to get an early start."

She spoke as she set up her area, "I am going to hog the blankets, kick you off the bed and punch you when you try to get it back. THAT is why I have this blanket."

Loki chuckled, "Even in your sleep you are a fireball."

"Yep. Unfortunate for you though." Sirena laughed as she got in the bed.

Sirena laid on her side to face him. "Goodnight Loki."

"Goodnight Sirena."

The night was hell for Loki.

Sirena was peacefully asleep while Loki fought for his blanket. Eventually he abandoned the bed to set the thermostat up higher so there would be no need for blankets… but then Sirena wouldn't stop moving, thus keeping him up. He decided to hold onto her to try and keep her still and thankfully it worked.

Sirena had a silly smile, "Did you hold me all night?"

Loki yawned before answering. "No. But I will start tonight off that way. It was like I was sleeping with a tornado."

Sirena groaned, "Oh my god its so hot."

Loki went to adjust the thermostat. "I put the heat on so I didn't need to wrestle you for the blanket."

"Was I that bad?"

Loki held back the growl. "I don't mean to sound rude but yes. The only way to keep you still was to hold you."

She looked sheepish, "sorry." She got up and went to her bag, getting clothes and walked to the bathroom. "Do you want to lay down and I can go get breakfast for you?"

"I will be ok. I will drink some caffeine."

Loki needed to apologize to her for his short responses. He knew he would be fine after breakfast but he still felt terrible.

She came out of the bathroom looking beautiful as always but she was noticeably upset.

"Sirena I am sorry for my abrupt responses. I will be fine after breakfast."

"Its ok. I know I am not the best at sharing a bed with." She gave him a big smile, "thanks for the apology. That means so much."

Loki kissed her forehead before going to the bathroom.

There were a few shops they went into and Sirena bought him a huge mug that came with a spoon for his tea.

Loki held the mug and cheerfully said, "Thank you."

Tony called for everyone's attention, "Where does everyone wanna eat tonight?"

Sirena shrugged at Loki as everyone threw ideas around. Loki got to pay for dinner again and that was what mattered most.

After getting back to the hotel and got ready for bed, Loki held Sirena and sleep went much better than last night.

Once the new semester started Loki valued each moment he could get with Sirena.

#brightsun-and-darkmidnight #Stubborn Independence #chapter 7 #loki #college au

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buzzworddotie · 4 years

Text

A little (not quite) Anxiety Ramble

Do something! Do SOMETHING! Don’t stop doing something!

Welcome to 2020.

It won’t stop, my brain will not shut off. We’ve been in lockdown for… to be honest off the top of my head I can’t even get dates right but I’ve been in isolation mode, working from home for about 4 weeks now maybe?

On week 2, I became more lethargic than I ever have in my life, I withdrew from any contact with other people, my brain was in a fog, I couldn’t focus. My muscles were tired and refusing to function and my energy was entirely zapped.

I managed to pull myself out of that by attempting to not guilt myself for eating that bowl of carb loaded cereal or allowing myself to rationalise that it’s OK to just watch a movie.

But here I find myself in that cloudy little place again. My anxiety is in such a way that my brain refuses to shut down and my motivation is becoming a precious commodity that I’m unsure of how exactly to keep it in a steady flow.

When the anxiety kicks in like this for me, I stress and worry about every and any thing. Things entirely out of my control, other people, how I am perceived, why I am not now or have ever been good enough for anything or anyone.

My rational brain packs its bags and heads for the door as I stare in the mirror and hate everything I see looking back. My doubts, my insecurities, my shame - every dark little voice that can be mustered up gets louder and louder.

And so I overthink every action I make, I try too hard to impress a version of myself on people. I try too hard to force anyone who might give a shit that I am in fact OK! And you know there’s nothing saner than someone screaming “I’M OK!!” directly into another person's face manically.

Sleeping is the worst, or in my case not sleeping. It doesn’t matter how tired I may or may not be, I can be assured that as soon as I lay my head down that anxiety demon comes alive.

I cannot remember the last time I slept for a solid 7 - 8 hours. I can recall what it feels like to be at complete odds and ends at 4am because it’s happening every goddamn night!

Is this a symptom of what is happening in the world right now or is it just an exemplification of how screwed up I might actually be? These are the beautiful thoughts which haunt my brain in between scrolling through Twitter or Reddit, telling myself to not scroll through Twitter or Reddit and then, you know, casually reminding myself that I will never be good enough for whatever the fuck I think I should be good enough for!

I’ve always been a bit of an introverted extrovert, or am I an extroverted introvert? I’m not sure, the point is I’ve never had a problem being a bit “isolated”. I’m quite happy in my own company and just pondering about, in my own little world doing whatever silly things I decide to do with myself. However, that world of mine was always interrupted with everyday interactions - people I work with, the ability to visit someone and general activities which we just take for granted.

I’m starting to even question if I am as introverted as I liked to think I was at all! I told myself that being locked down wasn’t a big deal for me, not a massive shift in my life. I’m single, I live alone… Just a real wholesome and healthy picture there! “I’m OK!!!”

First World Problems.

One thing about me I’ve known since childhood is that I love my independence. I was told by my parents growing up I was the most independent of all my siblings. There is a sense of freedom that comes with independence and I think losing that is throwing me for a bit of a loop.

The freedom and independence to just make a decision to do something in the moment and being able to just do it. Even the smallest, stupidest of things like going for a browse in a shop. Such a boring and mundane activity but an activity that clearly ticked some kind of box for my mind.

Of course, I am wary of banging on about this word “freedom” but allow me to state, I do not mean freedom with the gusto of some hardcore, right wing, gun toting Murican (Or the Irish lady, she whom shall not be named… We all know).

No, I’m not trying to suggest my first world concept of freedom is being threatened on some conspiracy level, I accept the merit in the fact that for a period of time we have to do what’s best for the greater good. But jaysus, it’s not easy at times is it?

Without the fundamental freedoms which I take for granted as everyday life it’s as if my brain is being withheld vital nutrients for it to operate full steam ahead. Don’t get me wrong, this anxiety trip isn’t a new phenomenon for me, I know the bitch well, but I had such a great grip on things and I think the hardest part for a minute there was trying to figure out how I was allowing it all to spiral so ferociously when I know I have the tools to not do that.

It also bothers me because I am, by nature, incredibly laid back and positive. I flip between Energizer Bunny, Everything is Awesome and easily passing for a hippie stoner on my good days. So seeing myself behave erratically at times now makes me not recognise or like the person I am having to live with during this lockdown! Her neediness and desire to please is very, very off putting to me.

But maybe I just need to let her be a little bit, maybe I just need to let her know that it is fine. It is fine if a momentary lapse in the mind causes a mini freak out which embodies itself as wanting to just shut down, it is fine if she does just go a bit OTT at times with people to overly compensate for how weak and low she is feeling. It’s fine.

It is fine. Once you recognise that that’s all it is, it does not lessen your worth to behave in a way you might later regret and it does not lessen your value if you allow your insecurities or vulnerabilities to sneak through every now and then. You just have to hope that whoever is lucky enough to get the brunt of your vulnerability can appreciate the value in getting a taste of it at all. Because that right there, that vulnerability, that is a precious thing which is not afforded to many, if any at all.

It is the most beautiful aspect of humanity, to be vulnerable. And it is really fucking hard to let go of. Vulnerability takes an incredible amount of strength, it’s a feather that keeps on floating through regardless of how much dirt and debris gets attached to weigh it down. It is delicate and strong all at the same time.

And for me, it is terrifying to let that wall down. It feels frightening to think for a moment I let someone see weakness or gave a hint that I, with all my positivity and strength and being there for other people, could have a moment of weakness. It cracks the veneer of who I want to pretend I am.

Meet my friend, Anxiety.

Anxiety has been an under current which has existed within me since my childhood but something I only recognised as I began to get older and, yes, get help. Speaking to a professional allowed me the opportunity to begin to understand myself and learn about myself, gain self awareness.

Where I am now compared to where I was back then are completely opposed. At its worst, I was consumed by my anxiety and all the other little niggly things which tortured my brain. It all manifested in self-hate usually, maybe hate is a strong word but certainly a really strong dislike of myself! I would allow that to spin in circles in my mind until I was lost in it and trying to fix a million and one things about myself and others which really, was all very surface or non-existent.

The difference today is that I can, at last, recognise it. I can see the signs, at times I am deep within them and it takes a step back to shake it off and see it but at least I can find it within myself to rationalise and take that step back.

It doesn’t make it easy, there is nothing easy about managing mental health in the same sense there is nothing easy about managing physical health. If I want that toned stomach I will have to feel the burn and it has to work the same for mental health too!

Jesus, it is not easy at times. I will always remember an episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race in which the contestant Katya suffered severely from debilitating anxiety. During a walk through Ru asked the Queen if she was, in fact, addicted to the anxiety. This registered with Katya and as time has gone by and that interaction replays in my own mind, I realise it often registers for me too.

When it is all you know, you can easily become all consumed by the anxiety, the worry, the stress and you can get sucked right down into it. And you can find a level of comfort within that discomfort, it’s recognisable and it can feel easier to submit yourself to it than seek out the light and pull yourself back from it.

When I break it down I can see the various triggers for my anxiety:

Opening up and being vulnerable = Opening myself up for rejection.

Feeling like I cannot help = Opening myself up for failure.

Failure, rejection = Not good enough.

Attempting to improve and increase my self worth is really something that I never understood was such an issue for me, mostly because the concept of “self worth” was never something that even showed up on my radar. But guess what? It’s a thing!

Self love is not about having an over inflated and delirious ego, it is about recognising that you do have worth as a human being. Recognise yourself as a human being.

Oh god, she’s going to talk about her childhood...

So, why is it that I may not have always recognised myself as a human being, worthy of care and love? Well, I will refrain from the details that will cause my very being to quiver but I was raised in a home in which I received a lot of love, but it was unstable. Arguments, raised voices, depression and a lack of seeing love between my parents. A tumultuous family backstory which, while I was not in existence for much of it, carried a heavy cloud over all proceedings. I was in existence for difficult times with siblings and parents who butted heads constantly.

I was a witness, I was shielded from being on the receiving end for the most part but I still stayed awake at night waiting for things to take a turn for the worse. I jumped at nothing and everything, like a scared little mouse. I was reserved and private with friends, I held the problems into myself and did not expose anyone to it.

As well as this, I faced a level of mental, physical and, like so many other girls and women out there, sexual abuse. I won’t delve into all the details but it seems like some sick, twisted joke that once you are forced to be subjected to this as a child, you do not recognise the issue with it which leaves you vulnerable for it again as you mature into an adult and set off on your own.

This is because your self worth has been destroyed. So when you see ladies coming to the fore as part of #MeToo or another movement, or no movement at all, don’t be so quick to judge. These ladies have likely held their tongue because their self worth has been so low that until they became exposed to others discussing it they didn’t even realise what had happened to them.

I won’t dwell too long on that, I could spend a long time dissecting it but it isn’t for now.

I will note, neither of my parents were responsible for that abuse. However, what my beautiful, kind and lovely parents were responsible for was me and as much as it absolutely kills me to have to admit, there were failings. Aside from generally being exposed to an unhappy home, as a child I was used to bridge the gap. Something which ran into my adulthood.

If my father was angry, upset or, as I now reflect and realise, in a spiral of depression it was my responsibility to pick him out of it. From a young age, I was the fixer - a tool to try to make things better.

Until I actually discussed this with a professional I never saw the problem here, everything was normalised to me, but apparently not great! It’s a lot of pressure to put on a child!

Add into that a complex / chip on my shoulder of never being as good as an older sibling, whom I perceived as the ‘golden child’, feeling like I had to keep things hurting me hidden for fear of disrupting an already disruptive home for which I felt responsible for keeping the peace or holding together and well, you get yourself a nice little stew that is a recipe for absolute fucked up adulthood!

Honest Reflection.

How could I ever expect to grow into a well developed individual? The balance of genuine love I did receive from my parents is what I believe kept me from falling down an even more desperate track, a track which I pondered along on many occasions. A dark road with flickering lights where the allure of escape was often far too real.

However, my internal commentary of having to be responsible for others actually kept me from ending it on many occasions as I could not release the feeling of not wanting to let anyone down.

Jesus, unpack this shit and it’s an absolute shit show! But I don’t claim to be special or unique, the sad reality is how many people went through a similar journey or worse and are now in their early to mid adulthood and attempting to get to grips with it all. And that’s only if they managed to find the tools and resources to recognise it in the first place.

Recognise that 1. You are not mental and 2. You are not a terrible human being.

I can’t speak to anyone else but clearly I have lacked the tools to manage or cope with my emotions. Anything outside of my control freaks me out and I lose the absolute run of myself! I panic, I seek out approval and validation and often in unhealthy ways. I have had eating disorders which I have been in denial about, I have drank too much, gone off the rails and slept with far too many people!

What now? What triggered my writing, which has evidently turned into an unintentional essay about myself (fair play if you’ve made it this far, you’re a better person than me).

I recognised irrational behaviour and a deep dip in my mood as well as an increase of self critical behaviours. That was when I began writing, this is now the future, or present, or wait, is this inception? I’ve incepted myself, just know as you read now a couple of days have passed.

And it took those couple of days for the lightbulb to click on but better late than never!

Let there be Light!

I began writing this aimlessly as a means to just put my thoughts down and that was a step in the direction of realising I had to do something. I am now slowly picking myself back up from it all.

First step, I went to the chemist and I just asked what can you give me for anxiety, I am not sleeping, I have not had a proper night sleep in close to two weeks or more - I asked for…… Help!

Gulp, scary, try it sometime.

The Pharmacist gave me a product called “Avena Sativa” (check it out). I added 20-30 drops to a little bit of water and it immediately relaxed and eased my mind. I took more before bed and baby, when I say I slept! Pure, deep, joyful sleep - all the z’s.

But wait, there’s more! Thinking I might as well hit this from all angles, I also grabbed some Vitamin D supplements and began retaking my B-12. I don’t know if one or all of these things did the trick but I can certainly feel the easing effects.

So that’s the taking stuff, but that isn’t all I did - Oh no, that would be too short for me!

I knew I really needed to hit this hard if I wanted to pull myself out of the hole I could eventually be down deep within. I’m a fan of meditation, I get that some skeptical people might huff it off as new age hippie nonsense or whatever, but it can work. Youtube has a host of wonderful meditation videos and for me, switching off from the world and onto one of those helps me massively.

Additionally, I stopped hanging out of my phone, for the best part at least. I have a bit of anxiety with my phone (of course I do). I went through a period of time where my phone was a bearer of bad news, any phone call could have been bad news and eventually, it was. I realised I find it hard to let go of that, the idea that if I do not have my phone on me and with sound on 24/7 I risk not getting an important piece of news, I risk letting someone down or not being there as I should be.

Should = dangerous word. Don’t let ‘should’ govern your life or mind. Every ‘should’ is an expectation and additional level of stress you are putting on yourself. Best advice I received was to replace ‘I should’ with ‘I want to’ and see what the end result becomes.

Let’s wrap this up.

All in all, this is a time that can lead those susceptible to anxiety, and even those who are not typically, to find themselves in the mental trenches. It’s imperative to look at yourself from the outside and attempt to recognise what might be the deep rooted cause of what is effing you up. Do you really hate your body right now or is your self worth a bit low because of some other reason that deserves to be addressed?

Maybe consider going a bit easy on yourself? Don’t beat yourself up over that response or message that you regret. Don’t assume you can control others, just be yourself. Speak your truth at any given time and allow yourself that beautiful release of scary, scary vulnerability.

Don’t run from it or beat yourself up over every and any little interaction or negative thought, give yourself a break and pull yourself out of the addiction of dark thoughts. Seek out help, ask for help - even if you are just asking yourself. Make healthy choices that will have a knock on effect of making you feel good about yourself or happy in your decision.

It is far from easy, but again, nothing worth having in this life is ever easy. But then the end result, when you push through and put in that effort - it is so, so very worth it to be able to have that moment of that day when you actually don’t doubt yourself or hate yourself.

I will keep motoring along with my own work and efforts and I ask that you do the same, if you find yourself in that dark place. Push through and don’t give up on yourself, you’re all you’ve got and that’s a pretty amazing thing to have.

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bonetrader · 5 years

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Unusual RPG combinations

I like to tinker with mixing and matching rpg settings and systems. I will try to collect the ones I'm most fascinated with. I haven't found the opportunity to actually try any of these combinations, but I guess it doesn't hurt to put them out there in case someone finds any of them interesting.

Shadowrun redux

Setting: Shadowrun

System: Blades in the Dark

I adore Shadowrun. It takes all the bleakness of reality, amplifies it, but also mixes it with a lot of magic and wonder. And if you read the books selectively, even with hope.

But playing it can get convoluted, especially if your group is prone to overplan. And we know that plans always go sideways. There's no such thing as a milk run. Spending an hour on planning can be annoying in itself. But it's extra painful if it has to be thrown out the window in the first five minutes of execution.

Enter Blades in the Dark that instead of planning ahead encourages to use flashbacks on the spot to reveal how you prepared in advance to get past an obstacle. That makes pulling off daring heists a lot more easier for the players. Infiltration is way less stressful on the player if they can make up any forged backstory on the go, and do a flashback to make sure it's believable. There's still some minimal planning, but it's practically just setting the starting scene of the run. You don't have to specify anything beyond that.

The concept of crew from Blades also fits nicely with Shadowrun. It can tell the GM what kind of runs the players prefer, and gives the players the ability tospecialize their team. Blades was created for a different level of technology and magic. But it mainly focuses on the hierarchy of the criminal underground, and that translates easily even to a modern world. So I expect the same crews to work with Shadowrun, but more thematic options could be added to tie it closer to the sixth world.

The concept of hunting grounds should be reconsidered. In Blades it means a specific neighbourhood the characters are more familiar with and usually target. In Shadowrun it makes more sense to make it a specific scenery they usually operate in. For example it could be a specific megacorporation they often go up against, or a type of gang that's common in the sprawls they operate in.

Blades also offers a nice subsystem for handling reputation, growth, notoriety, and even stress and trauma between runs. Incorporating a specific vice for each PC also seems completely in line with Shadowrun's concept.

The biggest difference will be in character creation. Blades' system is more abstract than Shadowrun's. In Blades you have to pick a specific playbook for your character. I think that's OK. While Shadowrun allowed building characters skill by skill, it always encouraged working toward specific archetypes like face, rigger, or adept. Your playbook determines your starting stats, but you can still somewhat specialize it. Blades also allows crossing from a playbook to a new one, but that's long term character advancement.

Adding some elements of Shadowrun might not be trivial. Spirits could be more or less handled as the ghosts in Blades. But magic and technology would have to be specifically addressed. Some of it could be treated like fluff, making it mechanically irrelevant whether your efforts are more effective because of training, because of an implant, or because you are infusing them with magic. But at least mages, riggers and deckers would probably need their own playbooks.

Twisted Houses of the Drow

Setting: any fantasy setting with drows, but I have a specific campaign idea for Spelljammer

System: Houses of the Blooded

This is a re-skin of Houses of the Blooded. The ven and the drow have different values and cultures, but I think they share a similar style. Decadence and intrigue runs deep in their societies. I'd replace the virtues (attributes) of the original game with corresponding vices. And each vice would be linked to a drow god instead of the totem animals of the original game.

Instead of the romance mechanic there would be rivalry. It would work the same way, just with a different flavour. Drows could pick someone as a rival, driving each other to greater feats. Instead of creating art drows could develop schemes. Same as the art mechanic. The scheme could give a bonus to those it was shared with. Seasons, regions, holdings, and blessings would have to be reworked, but I think renaming them would be enough in most cases.

My campaign idea is for a group of drow renegades employed by the elven admiralty as covert agents. They would be sent for long term infiltration missions to places where surface elves are not welcome. Each of them would have an affiliation with a drow god as well, and each would have their own hidden agenda. It might even work if not all characters are drows. I could imagine one or two elf, half-elf, or shapeshifter mixed in.

If I ever got to it seasons of the campaign would include: Building up a career of piracy in space (remember, Spelljammer) to get on the good side of a notorious and elusive pirate king, and lead the elven navy to its hideout. Instead of holdings the players could manage trade routes they raid, and their ships. Another would be infiltrating a drow city to stop an invasion. I think this would be the closest to the original Houses game. And finally I'd drop them in a mission to arrive as inmates to Elfcatraz, the secret prison of the admiralty (named by one of my players) to find out who's really in control there.

Around Cerilia in 80 days

Setting: Birthright

System: Primetime adventures

This one is kind of cheating, because Primetime adventures is quite setting-independent. So I rather mean it's a better fit for the kind of stories I'd like to run in this setting.

Birthright's setting works on a comprehensible scale for me. Most fantasy worlds have gigantic continents with dozens of large countries. They are too large for me, and I end up with a vast countryside where everything's the same for weeks to go. But Birthright has a small continent, maybe more like a large island with five distinct cultural regions. And each of those regions have a dozen provinces, each province described with its own flavor. It's not complicated, but colorful.

I guess it was done this way to accomodate the strategy aspect of Birthright that was one of its main features. While the concept of ruling provinces sounds great, the setting really makes me want to have a game about just travelling through this world. Not with adventurers, but rather with tourists, merchants, travelers who are going there to see a foreign place, or do business with the locals, and not just to explore a dungeon that happens to be there.

Ever since I saw the Roman Mysteries TV series I've been particularly fascinated with the idea of having a bunch of kids as player characters who are brought along by one's aunt/uncle on business trips to foreign lands, and get into trouble there. For example a trip from a frontier barony to the capital city, traveling through the woods of wary elves, then sailing down the river, stopping in a few more interesting port. Or a journey to the magnificent kingdoms in the east, although there are many perils both natural, and man-made on the way.

Thinking in Primetime adventures terms each province or city could be a separate episode. And the peculiarities of the place could be used to decide which character's spotlight episode should happen there.

Even domains of awnshegh (people and animals infected by the power of a dead god of darkness, becoming "monsters") don't have to be off limits. Some of them were quite sociable, and even more ruled over people whose perspective could be interesting.

Crown of Wings

Setting: Council of Wyrms

System: Birthright's domain management

Council of Wyrms focuses on playing dragons from various clans who work together. Despite the central role of the council, and the politics between the dragon clans, Council of Wyrms didn't touch much on the actual politics and realm management. It was the same AD&D, just scaled up to dragon PCs.

But I think there's so much more potential in the setting. I could easily imagine dragons ruling the land, managing guilds, and churches, and building out ley line networks to cast spells affecting whole realms. So everything that Birthright's system offered.

The setting isn't fully fleshed out, but it lets us fill in the land with fantastic locations. Some cities and towns were mentioned at unusual places, full of various races. So players could run wild with ideas when they create their own domain. Should their be trade routes with a merfolk city, and underwater ley lines? Absolutely. Could there be a church based on promoting the halfling lifestyle? Why not?

And then there's the Council. Domain Power could determine the character's status in it. Regency Points, and Gold Bars could be used as bargaining chips.

But what should be its purpose? I have seen enough of the trope of warring factions who have to be unified against some common threat, maybe with a traitorous faction thrown in the mix. I mean it makes for a fine story, but I'm getting a little tired of it. This time I'd rather see a council as a way to trade, to exchange ideas, and to help everybody improve their own clan. It doesn't make for a strong narrative, but I think it's a more positive message overall.

I think the biggest restriction in the setting is that dragon clans are too homogenic. Like, each clan consists of just one kind of dragon. That doesn't help in putting together a game with diverse characters. The original game concept solved that by making the PCs agents of the Council who may come from various clans.

For a more political game we could introduce mixed clans. So the characters could be part of the same clan, while still coming from various places. Maybe they are outcasts or survivors who created their own clan. Or maybe their clan was open minded, and was located in a central place, so it naturally lead to it becoming more diverse.

Or we could say that they are from different clans, but their clans are neighbours and allies of each other. At least if you're like me, and you don't want to set the players up for PvP by putting them to opposing sides of a clan feud.

Custom Quest

Setting: Your long-running campaign

System: Fiasco

I think any campaign that went on for a while should be an easy source for creating a Fiasco playset for a one-time play. Fiasco is about nobodies trying to pull off something bigger than they are. It's about petty people, and half-baked ideas going wrong. And while that might still sound like your average adventurer party, here we know they can't win. They will be lucky if they don't end up in a lot worse situation they started in.

For convenience I will refer to the PCs of the original campaign as heroes. It's okay if they are not actual heroes. That happens pretty often. But they had the greatest influence on the campaign this one shot is based on, so we have to heavily rely on them.

So the player characters in this one-shot are probably just background noise in the original campaign. I think this is a great way to explore how the actions of the heroes might affect the common people in unexpected ways. Objects driving the character dynamics could be things the heroes brought back, created, or just used in a memorable moment. Maybe an artifact they sold off is making its rounds on the blackmarket, and someone sees an opportunity in it. Or evidence surfaced that could incriminate one of the heroes.

And it's not just Objects. Their shenanigans might have brought the unwanted attention of a powerful cult to the city. Or the local barkeep loathes the heroes because they trashed his place one too many times. And he's just looking for some idiots to exact his revenge. Really, just look for whomever the heroes might have ever slighted or aided to get a plethora of petty plots and strange driving forces in the community. This can give you the Needs and Relationships between the player characters.

Locations could be places well known by the players, preferably close to a place the heroes frequent. The heroes, and the more memorable NPCs could give some enjoyable cameos. And finally they could become part of the Tilt table to turn a bad situation worse in the middle of the game.

#tabletop rpg #fiasco #drow #Houses of the Blooded #Birthright #shadowrun #spelljammer #Blades in the Dark #Primetime Adventures #Council of Wyrms #rpg #rpg combos

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peachofyourheart · 5 years

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How To Be A Professional Author And Not Die Screaming And Starving In A Lightless Abyss

Your reading today comes in the form of this Medium article by Heather Demetrios: “How To Lose A Third Of A Million Dollars Without Even Trying.” It’s a good article. I feel deeply for the writer, because this shit we do comes with no real map. No creative map, no story map, no industry map, no money map. “HERE IS A BUNCH OF MONEY,” a sinister shadowy figure says in an alley. “IN SIX MONTHS, WE WILL EXTRACT FROM YOU A BOOK, AND THEN THE DEAL IS COMPLETE.” And then the shadowy figure is gone, and all you’re left with is the crisp smell of burning paper and a mysterious whisper in the well of your ear that says, “deckle edge.”

But, the good news is, there exist answers to a lot of these conundrums, and so I’m going to do some painting-with-shotguns here and try to broad-stroke some thoughts and answers about the challenges this writer faced in her Authorial Journey.

Your Agent Is There To Help You

You need an agent, and a good agent who will explain to you this stuff — an agent who answers questions you don’t know to ask and who also (obviously) answers the questions you do ask. Now, an agent isn’t psychic, and I’m gonna guess a lot of them default to expecting you know some of this stuff, or they’re so brined and pickled in the industry they’re like fish swimming in water who don’t know what “water” even is anymore. Which leads me to highlight the next point:

Definitely Ask Questions

Deeeefiniiiiitely totally utterly absoflogginlutely ask questions. All kinds of questions. No questions are foolish, especially when it regards your career, your finances, your future. Ask your agent. Ask your editor. Ask anybody you know in the industry. Ask other writers! I have found other writers to be a wonderful well of fresh, clean water when it comes to that sort of thing. Certainly I must acknowledge that I feel the SFF genre is an embarrassment of riches when it comes to industry folks willing to share their experiences and offer answers. Oh! Speakawhich, may I recommend Dongwon Song’s PUBLISHING IS HARD newsletter?

Definitely Ask Questions From Multiple Sources

Crowdsource better answers by getting multiple answers. That’s it, that’s the deal. One answer may not be comprehensive. Also, authors are not always right about how things work. Hell, I’m probably wrong about stuff in this very post. Also, if your agent isn’t clear on this stuff, or won’t answer questions, fire that agent out of a cannon, and into the mouth of a great white shark.

Publishing Money Is Fucking Weird

Publishing, particularly big publishing (sorry, Big Publishing, aka Big Book, or The Bibliodeities of Mannahattan) pays advances ahead of your royalties. Smaller advances mean you’re likelier to earn out, but a small advance also does little for you up front. Larger advances mean you’ve got a considerably larger “cost of life” cushion, but are less likely to earn out.

Your contract likely stipulates you get paid a certain amount up front — a third of the contract, let’s say — upon signing, and then you get paid the rest of your advance usually in chunks when you meet certain milestones. Turned in first draft, or final draft, or upon publication. I have found these milestones to be different at different publishers (and I’ve worked with a lotta publishers).

You owe 15% of that to your agent/agency.

Earning out is a theoretically straightforward affair — calculate how much you make per book based on the percentage royalty driven by format. Let’s say 10% per hardcover sale, or 25% of an e-book. But there, we enter into squirmy, less certain territory already. If Amazon discounts your book, do you make the 10% on the cover price, or the sale price? (My understanding here is, it depends on who initiates that sale. Amazon initiates, you get it on full. Publisher initiates, you get on the publisher’s choice of price.) So, every sale of a book is earning you a specific amount of money —

So, if my book Wanderers is a hardcover at $28.99, I theoretically make ~$2.90 per sale of that. And an e-book at $13.99 earns me ~$3.50, so from there I should easily be able to calculate what it would take in this round to “earn out,” but I’ve done that math on other books, and I’ve never found it particularly accurate. Why? Because it actually isn’t that simple. Between audio sales and library sales and less traditional sales channels and then book returns (yes, bookstores return unsold stock sometimes and that can ding you), it starts to become a bit of occult calculus that only sorcerers can understand. You can kinda eyeball it? You can make some educated guesses as to how many books you’ll have to sell to earn out, but even then, how many in what format? Some books sell 75% in e-book. Some sell only 25% in e-book. Wanderers, to my shock, has had a rough split of 33/33/33% across print, e-book, audio. Could I have foretold that? Nope.

If you know how many books you sold, that would help, but —

It’s Hard To Know How Many Books You’ve Sold

Publishers are starting to catch up to the fact that authors want to know how well they’re selling (weird, who knew?) — Penguin Random House has a pretty robust, snap-to-it site that has daily updates to your book’s sales. It’s nice to have, if not necessarily useful at every step. And it’s not always wholly accurate, either, which honestly isn’t their fault — we imagine an age where every strand of every industry is plucked with every sale, neatly and nicely updating the total, but as with every industry, it’s less an elegant web and more a clumsy knot. Retailers are independent and not plugged into one another. Each store is not lightning fast in how they respond to things. Even Amazon on the back-end is, from my understanding, kind of a hot mess.

(It’s funny, I’ve met with Amazon multiple times under the auspices of, “Tell us how to help authors more.” Arguably because they want to help more than publishers do, making friends of authors directly, beyond publisher relationships — which, ennnh, okay. Still, I always tell them one thing: GIVE AUTHORS MORE DATA. Tell us our sales! Tell us our Kindle sales in particular! Tell us when people quit reading our books! And they say OOH YES GOOD POINT and then it never happens and hahaha good times.)

Treat Your Publishing Money Like A Demonic Bargain

You should always be fairly dubious of that money. Not that it’ll disappear — it’s just, it’s wildly inconsistent, as I hope I’ve made clear. It’s inconsistent in its timing, in its amount, in everything. It’s constantly shifting ground, and that unsteadiness of the financial earth should leave you particularly touchy. The ground can crack and fall out at any point, which is why you need to budget. Planning is key for a writer’s life, and that’s hard, because we’re a sack of cats, mentally. But you gotta know how to portion it out, and you have to see down the road to where the money is coming from. (As a sidenote, it’s why it’s vital not to give up too many rights — foreign, film/TV, other licensing opportunities — to the publisher. Those random drops of money, while totally not-count-on-able, can be helpful just the same.)

Oh also ha ha ha the taxes are killer.

You’re gonna pay taxes on that.

And they’re not fun.

Budget, budget, budget. At any meaningful levels of money coming in, GET THEE AN ACCOUNTANT, and possibly even hie thee hence to forming an LLC, which can, at high enough income levels, drop your tax burden a little bit. Others will sell LLCs as also being able to defer liability but most lawyers and accountants I’ve asked about this suggest it’s a bit of a myth.

It’s hard to get a mortgage as a writer, if you’re the only income.

Trust me when I tell you that. Doesn’t matter what you earn, you don’t fit into a box that they can neatly check on the application, so you’re a strange animal to the mortgage broker, like a Zebra who fucked a Dolphin and who is also from the future? We’ll talk more about DAY JORBS in a minute.

Cost Of Living Is A Real Thing

The cost of living is tied to where you live. And so, your Publishing Dollar goes a lot farther in places where the cost of living is lower. In other words, if you’re going to choose to live in The City (that city being NYC, SF, whatever), you are almost certainly fucking yourself in every uncomfortable position.

Now, the opposite of that is, sometimes you get advice that amounts to demanding you live in some unpleasant nowheresville — and that’s fine, if you’re fine with it. I’m not. My publishing money could go much farther if I lived, say, 100 miles to the west, but instead, I live where I live. It’s not a profoundly expensive place, especially compared to, say, NYC, but it’s also not as cheap as, say, Ohio. But (nothing personal) I do not want to live in Ohio, I want to live where I live, because of culture, because of education, because of access to places like NYC or Philly or the Lehigh Valley, and so here I dwell, even if my Publishing Dollar would go farther in Nebraska or even in the middle of my own state. As writers, I find we do thrive a little bit based a little on the place we live — and so, live where you want to live, just be aware that there are concessions to be made if you do, and costs for that choice. But also, probably don’t live in NYC or SF. Live near them, ok. In them, not so much.

Back To Those Pesky Advances

I have been fortunate enough to have a somewhat gentle arc to my career — a nice hill of slowly advancing advances. I started small, with four figures, and have added zeroes as time went on. It’s been a slow boil but I prefer that, because it demonstrates what I hope is an increasing audience and quality of books. The worry is when you jump through the gate and someone hands you a fat sack of six figures and it’s like — boy howdy, you’ve probably got nowhere to go but down. Debuts tend to get an almost weird amount of attention (same as how the first book in a series nearly always gets 1000% more publishing attention than the second or third), but even with that, it’s hard to see how a New Author is going to just Rocket to the Moon on a first, big book. It can happen! It has and will again. But just know that opening big is a trickier gambit. It’s like, you wrote some songs and have a guitar and OOPS now you’re headlining Coachella ha ha good luck I’m sure you’ll be fine.

Wait I Didn’t Even Talk About Bucket, Or Joint, Accounting

Back to the tricky calculus of “earning out” — it gets trickier when you realize that some deals don’t just demand you earn out one book, but rather, all the books in your contract. The advances-per-book are put in a bucket, and so you must out-earn the bucket amount, not the per-book amount, before you start seeing royalties beyond your advances. This can be tricky with a series, let’s say, where the first book does well, and where no subsequent book is likely to do better than that first book — it robs you a chance of earning out with one book even if you don’t on the next two, let’s say.

How Marketing Is Tied To Advance

In general (and nothing is ever universal in this industry), the higher the advance, the more money the publisher has in their budget to support the book, particularly in terms of marketing, advertising, and publicity. On the one hand, this makes sense, right? Your book is an investment, and so they don’t wanna invest a bunch of money and then just have it fail — so they contribute more money and infrastructure toward paying off that investment. But it also means that lower advances can mark you in the “uhhh let’s throw it at the wall and see what sticks!” category, which is tough. It puts a lot of burden on you. And that burden is often unfairly thought of as being high effective buuuuut

You Are Never As Effective As A Publishing Budget

Trust me when I say, you can do a lot as an author to encourage people to read your books. But also trust me when I say, a publisher’s efforts in this realm is multiplicative compared to what you can achieve. Stay in this industry long enough — and so much of this industry is exactly that, just staying in the goddamn game — and you will reliably detect when a publisher is spending money on a book. You can tell because it’ll have buzz, it’ll get media placement, you’ll have appearances, and so on. You can also tell when they haven’t done shit for your book. Even if you yourself have done a lot!

Do you need a website? Probably. Doesn’t need to be fancy, but shouldn’t look like a half-ass botch-job, either. Should work on mobile and all that.

Do you need swag? I’m of a mind that it moves zero needles, and I’ve never seen data that it moves needles, and it just seems to be a thing authors have internalized that they need?

Do you need a tour? I mean, I dunno. At a debut level, I’d say no. As with crowdfunding anything, you need an audience already in place to make that make sense. Better to do cons and conferences, I think, at earlier levels, though other authors may disagree.

This is part of the trick, by the way: advice for a debut author, and for a mid-list author, and for a mid-career author, and for a hugely successful author, are very, very different. It can in fact be as individual as writing process. It’s all broad strokes, so take everything even here with many many grains of salt.

A whole salt lick, even.

Your Day Job? Don’t Quit It

This will be the 1000th time I’ve said this and I’ll say it a million more: don’t quit your day job. When do you quit your day job? When the work is at such a level that you either have to quit writing, or quit the day job. That’s it. When you’re up against the wall and you see, “I can’t write these books and also still go to work every day,” that’s a signal. (And ideally it’s a decision made easily because you’re making enough money at writing that it makes both financial sense and is a financial necessity.)

But otherwise? Hang tight. You’ll have no health care. As I said, mortgages will be harder to get. Everything is a little harder when you’re a ROGUE AUTHOR FREELANCE MERC out there in the PUBLISHING WASTELAND. Bonus: have a spouse who has health care and a steady job.

Note, again, I’m fortunate enough to be the sole income for our household as a writer. And I’m doing okay, and am comfortable. But I also still have these difficulties, and the erratic payment schedules can be brutal. All of it adds up to:

Have Plans On Top Of Plans

It’s like, if you live in the PNW, you probably have an Earthquake Preparedness Kit? You need that as an author. (Er, metaphorically speaking. Authors are not subject to actual earthquakes in particular.) Squirrel away money. Have plans on top of plans. What if your genre collapses? What if your agent quits? What if your next advance is way too low to survive upon? What if the economy shits the bed? Have a plan for next year, for five years, for ten. Envision how you remain in this game. A writing career is, as I’ve noted before, a CLIFF MITIGATION EXERCISE. You are eternally speeding toward the cliff’s edge. You might careen off that edge and into a ravine and crash in a spectacular fashion at the end of every contract. And so you need to imagine how — before it happens! — you’re gonna build a ramp or a bridge or some rocket boosters or shit. You gotta Evel Knievel that cliff somehow — but how? New genre? New age range? Break into comics? Some self-publishing on the side? Have plans inside plans inside plans. Especially if shit goes sideways. My day to day is spent thinking 50% about what stories I want to write and 50% what I’m going to do to keep my career going. Which leaves me little time for like, BASIC LIFE-BRAIN FUNCTIONS, so uhhh oops?

To Add In, And To Sum Up

– Publishing is fucking nuts, and trying to understand it is like trying to win a staring contest with the Eye of Sauron, but you gotta try, or you’ll die

– JESUS CHRIST ask some questions, seriously

– Publishing is not a lottery, and you need to treat it like a serious business venture where you’re given the squalling baby of a writing career and your job is to keep that thing alive and somehow get it to college, and if someone wants to put that writing career baby in college before it’s learned to walk, you should be very very wary of that

– Drink the fancy cocktails when you visit NYC, but don’t live there, for Christ’s sake

– Not every publisher is the same, some are fucking amateur hour karaoke, and some are well-trained machine assassins who never miss their shot

– You don’t control what a publisher does; get me drunk and I’ll tell you STORIES

– You should definitely know when your book is coming out and not via Google Alert, like, just ask, just ask your editor or ask your agent to ask your editor (your agent can be a very good “bad cop” if you need them to be, and they should be eager to fill that position, because a good agent is working for YOU, not for their relationship with the publisher), AHHH ASK QUESTIONS

– Art and Commerce are fiddly, uncomfortable fuck-buddies, they’re always fucking, but they’re always fighting too — but that doesn’t absolve you from cleaving only to the art and failing to learn about the commerce side of things

– You’re never dead in this industry until you stay dead, otherwise, get up, claw your way out of the grave, write the next book, change your name if you have to, change an agent, change genre, whatever; you do it because you love this thing and being undead is cooler than being regular dead

ANYWAY

There is probably shit I’m missing.

Feel free to ask questions — I may not get to them quickly, as I am dealing with lots of LIFE STUFF right now. (I wrote this post in a bit of much-needed down-time.)

If you like this post, and find it helpful, don’t buy me a cup of coffee.

Buy WANDERERS. Or tell your friends. Or leave a review.

Lest I die starving and screaming in a lightless abyss.

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alippy711 · 6 years

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Falling Away With You- Ch.25

Definitely rushed the ending because my aunts were flittering about cleaning up my grandparent house before everyone comes down. So I apologize. Oh there are a few guest appearances.

Also I think there are five more chapters left? I basically have it all written just need to break it up the right away. So enjoy

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Chapter Twenty-Five: July 3rd

“Matt said I could find you here”

His voice brought a smile to my lips pulling me from my trance as I watched the waves crashing on the shore. I turned to my right and was met with his bright smile and those adorable cheeks as he walked closer to me. I stood brushing the sand from my shorts and greeted him.

“Well if it isn’t Chuckie Bright Lights himself” His cheeks blushed as I walked into his open arms for a hug.

Hey Ash. it’s been too long, I missed you.”I nodded into his chest giving him one last squeeze before pulling away.

“Way too long, im glad you made it, where’s Ki?” I looked around him hoping to see Kiley somewhere on the beach.

“At your house, she ran into Addie and you know how those two are” I chuckled as he rolled his eyes, knowing exactly how they are.

“How was your run?” Charlie asked eyeing my running attire.

“Exactly what I needed this morning. Perfect way to detox before the copious amounts of alcohol I plan to consume in the next few days” He let out a deep laugh before looking out at the water.

“Don’t tell Kiley this, but I think I like Marshfield better than Duxbury, so far” I smiled looking around my perfect little beach. It was definitely showing off today with the tide out low letting the sand stretch out for what seemed like miles.

“Duxbury has its perks but Marshfield, specifically where we are, is great because it’s usually quiet. It will be low tide all day which is even better.” Charlie nodded as he listened to me ramble on about my favorite place before a silence fell over us. It wasn’t awkward, more so just both of us waiting for the other to bring up the elephant in the room. I sat back down in the sand nodding up at him to join me.

“How you holdin up?” Charlie asked nudging me with his shoulder.

“At this point it changes every day. I was a fucking wreck in the beginning.” I let out a light laugh. “But now it comes in waves. The busier I am the better. It’s when I have too much time on my hands that I get lost in my head.”

“Well you have enough people in your corner to help keep you busy all summer” He smiled softly and I returned it automatically. He shifted his eyes back towards the beach scanning the shore as people walked by us.

“Have you talked to him?”

“Not really. Texted him on his birthday then that opened up communication but it became too much. Told him we had to stop. What about you?” I asked looking over at him.

“We talked a little right after we left for Worlds. How do you feel about his choice? I hope you don’t think im on his side, I mean I basically met you both at the same time so I consider you both my good friends”

Oh sweet Charlie, what did this world do to deserve you?

“Aww Charlie you’re the sweetest.” I cooed nudging him as his cheeks flushed bright red.

“I appreciate you saying that. Im still not totally clear on why he needed time but if im being honest I think I needed it too.” I had yet to read the letter, still too nervous about my reaction to pull the trigger but I knew it needed to happen soon.

“How so?” I turned my focus back to Charlie as he pulled me back to the present.

“I didn’t realize how much of myself I lost in David. I was so wrapped up in his world that I forgot about mine. This has given me the opportunity to balance my life out again”

“That’s so important, especially when you’re with someone like us. Our lifestyle is so hectic it’s easy for our significant other to get wrapped up in our world. David always talked about how independent you are and how much he loved that. Im happy you’re working to get back to you.” I smiled over at him feeling my heart swell with his words.

“Damnit Charlie can you stop being so damn sweet? Thank you, I really needed that.” Charlie threw and arm around my shoulder pulling me close to him.

“Anytime Ash. I know you two will find your way back to one another.” If only David had as much sense at 22 that Charlie did at 20.

“Hey, you two done having your heart to heart? It’s time for some day drinking!” We turned towards the source of the voice and saw Kiley standing next to Addie holding two beers a piece.

“Welcome to July 3rd in Marshfield Chuckie! Buckle up kid.”

I managed to block out all the commotion around me and become lost in my thoughts watching the steam curl up from the middle of the hot tub dissolving into the cool evening air.

“How you feelin?” His voice pulled me from the stare off I was having and I tilted my head up to find him standing on the patio inches from the sunken hot tub.

“I have a really solid buzz going right now, so im fantastic” He laughed and I was easily distracted by his body as I watched him step down into the water finding a seat across from me. He leaned back against the tile, stretching out his legs propping them on either side of the bench I sat on, essentially blocking me in.

“Yet you’ve been sitting in the hot tub alone for a good 15 minutes” He eyed me trying to see through the smile I wore.

“Evan, im fine. Just taking a little break from the drinking games before I dive back in to achieve my end of the night drunk status.” The laugh he let out had me curling my toes beneath the water and I had to shift my body out of the water to alleviate some of the heat which was suddenly stifling.

“Just checking. Didn’t know if Charlie being here would stir anything up.” He pulled his arms from beneath the water draping them around the out outside tile of the pool patio and I was quickly lost in the muscles along his biceps. Fuck, I needed to get laid.

“Nah, im glad Chuckie is here. We had a really good talk earlier. Im in a good place when it comes to David, which means I don’t need you keeping an eye on me” I teased and he threw his hands up in mock surrender while he laughed.

“Hey im just tryin to help. You did tell me to help distract you because all the drinking would make the temptation to hit up David even stronger.” I pushed out a frustrated groan, knowing how right he was.

“Well then keep me distracted!” He laughed at the high pitch of my voice and I let out a laugh.

“Play beer pong with me, you’ve had enough of a break” He stood from the water, holding his hand out for to grab and my eyes fell to his chest as the water dripped down his body. I sucked in a breath and looked away, hoping he didn’t catch my reaction. Drinking and the hot tub were not a good mix for my overly turned on nerves. I was glad Evan showed up today I had a feeling he would be a good distraction for me.

I knew once Evan joined us all for Rose’s birthday a few weeks ago he would be back within my circle shortly. After that he started hanging out at our place more and we found ourselves in a familiar pattern, I enjoyed spending time with him again. I was dreading the first time we would see each other post break-up figuring he was waiting for an opportunity to say, I told you so, but he never did and I was thankful for that.

Two hours and a few beer pong wins later I was sufficiently drunk and about to do something kind of stupid. I successfully snuck out of Rose’s house without being noticed so here I was pulling up his contact hitting send on the call. It was late there and took a good three rings before he answered.

“Hello?” His voice was groggy with sleep and if it weren’t for the alcohol I probably would have felt bad for calling him at two in the morning.

“Willy!!” I called out loudly with a giggle.

“Ash? Are you ok?” The concern in his voice warmed me.

“Of course im ok! Im talking to my favorite Swede” He chuckled on the other end and I heard some shuffling before he finally spoke.

“Well I think someone is drunk” I giggled again.

“Yup. Been drinking for hours” I spoke dragging out each syllable in hours.

“Glad you’re enjoying your summer. To what do I owe this drunk dial?”

“Don’t be silly Willy, you know why im calling. Hey that rhymed!” He let out a deep laugh and I smiled wide picturing that beautiful smile of his.

“I mean word on the street is you’re single now, but I figured you would have called sooner rather than later to let me know.” The mock hurt behind his words had me rolling my eyes.

“Had to keep you waiting” I smiled as I continued to pace around my yard ignoring the sounds of my friends partying across the street.

“Ash, why did you call?” The seriousness in his tone had me sobering up and let out a sigh before answering.

“To keep myself from calling him. I miss him Willy. Charlie gave me no insight and I just-I just...need to know how he is? Fuck” I stumbled over my words as my throat tightened and I felt myself losing control of my emotions.

“Aw Ash, I hate hearing you like this.” I heard him push out a frustrated breath and I could picture him running a hand through his blonde hair. “And I hate that it was David who hurt you. I was shocked when he told me...” His words seemed to fade off and I pulled the phone away from my ear sucking in a deep breath to compose myself as I wandered across the street to the sea wall.

“You and me both” I let out a sarcastic laugh as I leaned against the cement staircase looking out at the dark ocean.

“We talked about everything when he was here a few weeks ago. He said he wrote you a letter not sure if you read it but that should help you understand where he’s coming from. He tries to be his usual fun loving self, but I can see through it. He’s struggling too Ash, but if im being honest he still needs more time. He needs to learn how to be a better person for you.”

I could feel the hot tears rolling down my cheek by the time Will finished talking. His words should have made me feel better, and they did, to a point. But it still hurt to hear one of his best friends say he still needs time.

“Thanks Willy, I think that’s exactly what I needed to hear. The longer we aren’t together the more I realize we both have to work on ourselves.” I heard someone clear their throat behind me and I turned to see Evan eyeing me suspiciously thinking I was talking to David. I shook my head no and turned away from him.

“See, you’ve always been the more mature one. I really think he will find his way back to you. He’s an idiot but he’s not that dumb” We both laughed and it warmed my heart to hear Willy’s laugh again.

“I mean you did say if he broke my heart you would fight him so I expect to see that next season”

“I can take him. I saw his fight with Girardi so I know his moves” I smiled at his words and turned back to Evan who was watching me intently.

“I guess I’ll let you get back to sleep now. Im glad I called you Willy. You may just turn into my go to when I have the urge to call David.”

“Im always here for you Ash. Im happy you called. I miss you”

“Miss you too Willy, sleep well”

“Thanks, go drink some more and have fun”

“Thought you could sneak away and I wouldn’t notice?” Evan raised an eyebrow as he attempted to scold me.

“Dude, I was out here a good ten minutes before you even found me” I smirked, leaning against the cool cement at the top of the stairs. He rolled his eyes taking a few steps towards me placing a hand on either side of me pinning me in the corner of the staircase.

“I assume that was William Nylander?” The proximity of his body to mine had my heart racing and my head going foggy making it difficult to speak so I simply nodded.

“You wanna talk about it?” His gaze was intense which only added to my heightened awareness of his presence and I shook my head again.

“What can I do to help?” I took in a deep breath and watched as his eyes fell to the rise and fall of my chest before looking back up at me as he took in the small smirk on my lips.

“Distract me” I flicked my tongue out wetting my lips smiling as his gaze dropped again and I felt his body press against mine.

“That I can definitely do” Before I was able to make a remark his lips were on mine in a fevered kiss. My body was so desperate for physical contact I felt my knees go weak, Evan caught on quickly slipping a thigh between me to hold me up. I sank my fingers into his hair as my tongue parted his lips as a moan escaped me. I was breathless when we pulled away as Evan ran a hand over my flushed cheeks and down my chest.

“Go grab a towel and meet me on the beach.” His eyes went wide with my words and I tilted my head up waiting for him to do something.

“Is that- I mean-are you sure?” I laughed as he stumbled over his words shaking my head.

“Yes Evan im sure. Im not that drunk I know what im doing, now hurry up before I change my mind.”

“Ok, yup be right back” He smirked before turning away, bolting down the street to follow my instructions.

I thought over my choice while Evan was gone and while I was still very much wrapped up in David I knew I needed to make the most of this break-up and one night stands were not my thing and I really wanted to know what Evan was working with.

#david pastrnak #david pastrnak imagine #david pastrnak fic #hockey fic #hockey imagine #hockey rpf #nhl imagine #nhl fic #guest appearances #charlie mcavoy #william nylander #falling away with you fic #I wanna be drunk like Ash

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ber-bonfamille-lyons · 6 years

Text

BDRP Resolutions

in which this is long

Write your RPer Resolutions for 2018!

-Plot with more members, definitely! I try to expand of course and rp threads with everyone but I think I could do better and could def do bigger plots with more people.

-Complete more tasks tbh. This one is gonna be hard for me to do but idk if I could do at least one task every other month that would be an improvement over last year haha.

-Continue to work on scenery and detail etc. My weaknesses. I hope that rping more detail-oriented characters, like Charlie or even Mowgli, or exploring the lake with Andrina or the forest with Prince/Merida will help with this. Though also just being more aware of it in the day to day

-Dream Journal for Charlie/More music stuff for radio

Write at least one resolution, or “goal,” that you have as an RPer for your character(s)

Mel: This was on last year’s so that tells u something but I think it’s gonna happen-- explore her feelings for Howl! Also would love for her to do some more seedy things and i see want an apprentice!!

Ber: Explore Berlioz’s mental health more. Whether I do this through tasks/one-shots or something, Ber is kinda in this weird place where he’s blurring the line between reality/fantasy and I think that’s interesting. A lot of it has to do with things he isn’t dealing with (trauma from Taka and going down into hell). Also very specifically I want him to rp with Marie more bc Berrie is kinda underdeveloped both on my part as an rper and his part as like a mediocre brother lmao. I also like him as a supporting role in other people’s plots and I hope I can keep pushing him in those directions. And of course I’m very interested to see him and Simba repair and grow their relationship hopefully stronger than ever. <3 OH and g row a backbone tbh stand up for himself more do it ber

Kiara: Figure out her school life!! I still want to have her shadow someone sooo I think I could see her shadowing Minnie or even Jiminy since she’s sort of into health and social work. Also explore her envy of her friends with magic bc she had powers in Star wars and lowkey she still wants powers (opportunity for Feys Gold Antics here-- also feel liek there could be something interesting in Kiara v. Jake if Jake really does start getting more elitist)

Hades: BOARD STUFF. Im really excited to play Hades as a politician and like-- authority figure in town. Though he’s gotta save his own soul first lol. Also supporting Belle in hopefully going back to school. Alsoooo there are loose threads in hell that I have and would like 2 look into…

Milo: Talk with Jane about what comes next after pride u because his grant is almost up! Plot with BIANCA/BERNARD hopefully about the rescue aid society.

Nala: ONE NIGHT STAND SERIOUSLY. Let loose. Date someone bc if she fell in love work wouldnt be her focus and she’d grow a lot. Uh repair relationship with Simba?

Kiki: bring back jiji lmfao i suck. Finish her apprenticeship and unlock the trU nature of her powers and stuff mhm. Also kiss someone lol

Anita: Bring her fam in town and explore like, this clash between her old life and the new life now that she has grown so much.

Prince: ACCEPT UR FEELINGS FOR ELLA. Embrace them! Continue to train Bambi/find the fucker who shot u/be a Dad and do Dad things like idk a parent teacher conference??? Thats hilarious. Somehow I want him to become like a guest lecturer at Pride U but I’m not sure how yet. I also feel like idk Akela could draw him into becoming slightly darker after this shooting and that might be interesting so who knows, maybe he should join Akela’s morally gray magic club,

Paul: GO TO PRIDE U PLZ. Deal with the paulina plot lol. Contend with his inferiority issues that stem from the financial inequality between him and Perdy. Just rly go into their relationship and figure it out post-break up post-make up u know

Andrina: Explore the lake. Get into seedy stuff with Ursula maybe??? Continue to sleep with people thats very fun for me. FIND OUT WHO RAVEN IS. Get a cat.

Merida: I need her to make more friends bc I want her to fuck up and then ruin all those friendships ahaha. Want to have a showdown with some powerful magicks, gimme Akela and Max, all the shapeshifters!!!

Mowgli: Meet the Bonfamilles (lmao). Uhhh would lvoe to rp more with Akela i need to brainstorm how. I’d also like him to become more extreme tbh? Maybe start having night terrors or something bc of all his suppressed guilt wow just got a good idea ahha. Alsoooo maybe get a mentoooor…

Charlie: HAVE A PROPHECY ABOUT SOMEONE PPL HIT ME UP. I wanna start him on the research train when I get that in place and also maybe abuse hospital equipment (aka scan his own brain ehhe) but also maybe save someone’s life would be cool, ok, yeah. Also hopefully grow his relationships with all hospital personnel and patients, and maybe get a mentorship with Tibbs and/or Sweet. In fact it’d be really cooool if he could eventually help Sweet with his research like as an intern or assistant or something. And also i want to get him to an event but i need him to get a friend for that so!!! A texting buddy friend, that is a specific goal.

Write at least one resolution IN CHARACTER for your characters. What do THEY want to accomplish or change in the New Year?

Mel: “Do something impossible.”

Ber: “Be a better brother and friend and boyfriend… be less crazy lol ahah”

Kiara: “figure out my LIFE lmao”

Hades: “Make real change in Swynlake.”

Milo: “Apply for a grant to study Atlantis...again.”

Nala: “Be my oWN love of my life. I’m a single independent woman and that’s amazing, I’m AMAZING.”

Kiki: “Restore Jiji D:”

Anita: “Direct a play again! That would be very fun. Oh, and paint more, I really do need to paint.”

Prince: “Be a good father to Bambi… make the forest a safe place again.”

Paul: “Be a good father, a good partner-- find better ways to support my kids.”

Andrina: “lol i dont DO goals bye.”

Merida: “Shoot Mor’du. Become a Prince.”

Mowgli: “... don’t make any trouble.”

Charlie: Bitch has a list.

Get phlebotomist license!!

Renew certs: CPR/AED/First Aid/Wilderness First Aid/BLS

Give up gluten! Again!

Exercise.

Go to a Swynlake Event! It will be fine no one will die!!! (!!!)

Plotting Exercise! Pick one of the resolutions/goals in #2 and plan a rough guideline to how you could accomplish it.

Mowgli explores his powers/grief

PARA 1: Has a nightmare and accidentally sets something on fire (Akela)

PARA 2: Frightened, Mowgli confides in someone about his powers (Peach/Will)

PARA 3: Seeks help from either Howl or Ursula--depending on which one, it could litERally change the direction of the entire plot.

List of Characters I want to RP with:

I went through character by character but I would love to do more than this I am sure ahah.

Mel: Mateo, Ursula, Sophie (bc duh Howl), Akela

Ber: Irma, Sophie because they should be better friends, more Peg, JENNy bc they play piano ok!!, ANNETTE bc they totally know each other!!, tbh daisy and ber could do something with anxiety, Rita for sure, more Simon somehow i swear it

Hades: Sally, more stuff with Miguel, Jack, Shock/Samara, Al, Cruella, Simba, Oogie, maybe Dipper

Kiara: more stuff with Jake, Jiminy, Minnie/Rama maybe, Isa, Wilbur, Penny, Ollie, Jenny. Also lowkey Ursula.

Milo: more stuff with Kida, Bianca, Elena, also Goliath and Thomas (teachers!!)

Nala: MAUI. sorry look i just want maui its been a year. Also maybe some board members and stuff since she’ll be politically active? So Al, Cruella, Soleil for that (and Simba, but I rp with simba allll the time). Also Arthur, Adam.

Kiki: Mateo as well!! More young-ish people: Dipper, Maui (she’s a #bigfan), Callie.

Anita: more stuff with Perdita. Also other artists: Pascal, Jane, Namine, Violet, maybe Art if he does art??, Peach, Peri, Duchess etc!! Hit me up please.

Prince: all the forest politics okay: Alasdair, Akela, Goliath, Shere, why are these men. Also just big Magicks in general: Ursula, Namine maybe. More fairies so Peri and Terence. Also very specifically: Theo and Thomas O’Malley. Maybe Jake tbh if he starts like patrolling the forest?

Paul: Goliath bc he’s a lit professor! Thomas bc they are bros now!!!! Maybe some other mersisters-- Aqua, Alana, Arista. Peach bc writing? Lmao. Also some lowkey shady people like Roscoe or Lock would be really great. Possibly Oogie bc he owns a casino and gambling~

Andrina: URSULA ok sorry i just want the sea witch. TBH Hiro or Tombo could be cool bc she’s into STEM stuff. Ken because I want to rp with Ken and I don’t think anyone else would get along? Ahah. Arista, Aqua and Alana. Herculessss.

Merida: Bambi bc scottish and also lowkey was involved in mother’s death!!! Maximus bc she should shoot him!! More Shere! Follow-up with Goliath tbh in class lmao would be funny. CORNY bc thye r destined to be friends. Callie!!! Oo, also more Eric.

Mowgli: Howl, Ursula, Mateo, more Peach, Jenny, Wilbur, Theo, Bambi Penny (yay orphans). Maybe a professor: Thomas, Goliath, Shere?

Charlie: so many ok. Ellie, Sweet, Shock, Jack, SALLY thats in caps bc I need it, Dipper, Boo, tbh could do some drug stuff with Roscoe, Lock and Theo. Rita bc she can be his mom, Oogie, anyone with trauma who wants charlie to relive it with them: eric, thomas, shere, lou the list can go on-- annnnd belle and callie also

#bdrptask #wooooo

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