#but it does make it lonely when I see ppl move on or whatever and I’m by myself talking into the abyss haha

[vhagarlovebot]

Hi!! I was wondering if you could write something for aegon along the lines of aemond and reader are married but bc aemond wants to give her space and “spare” her of his company and doesnt wanna scare her bc of his appearance and demeanor they dont talk at all and theyre like strangers, sort of like aemond thinks he’s doing the right thing by leaving her be but in reality she just wants to be loved by her husband and one day aegon finds her sobbing about aemond bc she just wants to be loved by him. Bc shes crying abt his “perfect” brother he feels better abt himself bc hes thinking “my brother isnt the perfect son” and so he decides to befriend her and they kind of bond over the fact that theyre both really lonely in kings landing. Ik this is probably rlly off for his character tbh so if you dont want to do it thats okay! Ik some ppl r really iffy abt writing abt aegon so if thats the case just ignore the ask im sorry to bother! But I love ur writing sm and hope u have a great day~

gwen’s note: i need to say this before writing your req because it is important to me. but i really think aegon, as well as many other characters from hotd, is very complex. however we can’t overlook the awful things he’s done, that’s why i think that the only way of writing him is by trying to understand from where it comes, why he is the way he is, etc. (but not defend him, never defend him for being a rapist) and diverge from his character. hotd writers made it really hard to sympathize with him given that the first scene they gave us of older aegon was THAT scene. and again, i would never defend aegon from what he did, that is inexcusable, it does not matter how much he suffered or how alone he feels, he should have never done that. that is why if i write aegon i would always try to get as close as possible to what i think of this complex character (just as i have been doing with aemond) and always have his feelings and experiences in mind, i will never minimize what he and everyone has been through. and bc in fanfic you can write whatever you want, i’ve been saying that since the beginning. aegon is not a good person but i believe that if they give him a chance, he would definitely try to be better. and i fully believe that aegon has a heart and deep down he cares, we see glimpses of that in the show. so after saying that, if i diverge from what the show has showed us about aegon or what YOU think about him, remember that everyone has their own opinions and if you don’t like them, be respectful and simply block me (this is not directed at you but to everyone in general). hope you enjoy! <3

crying in public was not a good idea, but being under the weirwood tree made you miss home.

“do you feel well?” a man’s voice startles you, and you are quick to wipe the tears still falling from your eyes, trying to pull yourself together before turning around.

you are surprised to see prince aegon standing a few feet away from you, genuine concern on his face.

you want very hard to say yes but you can’t say the words, so you just simply shake your head as more tears start falling from your eyes.

aegon doesn’t know what to do. he never knows what to do when someone cries in front of him, he’s not used to this kind of behavior. he can’t remember a time when someone from his family cried in front of him and he comforted them. or if they comforted him. because that never happened. so he doesn’t know if he should keep walking and leave you alone, or ask what’s happening. however, his legs are moving towards you before he can make a decision.

and you don’t know what to do. should you excuse yourself and run out of there? but your legs don’t move and your eyes can’t leave his face, lilac gaze studying your body, but not in a creepy and sexual way. it’s also the first time you and the prince are alone and you thought when that happened, you would feel uncomfortable, rumors fly fast inside and outside the red keep and prince aegon is the main protagonist in all of them. however you feel strangely calm.

“does this have to do with my brother?” aegon dares to ask. he knows your marriage is not an easy one, mostly because aemond is very cold towards you. he has seen you alone together just a couple of times and in all of them you’ve been looking sad and uncomfortable while his younger brother showed nothing with his expression.

it is sad to know prince aegon knows why you’re sad. does everyone in the red keep notice how unhappy you truly are?

aegon sits beside you, his hands on his lap as you move away making space for him on the little bench.

“i just feel so… alone.” you let your guard down, after all he is the one asking and you so desperately need someone to talk to, anyone, and if that person turns out to be the prince, then so be it.

aegon laughs bitterly, looking to his feet playing with a few leaves that had fallen from the tree. he knows that feeling too well, he has been feeling alone his whole life.

“and— and i can’t say anything to him because he doesn’t listen to me. it’s like i’m talking to a wall.” you sob, wiping your nose with the back of your hand.

prince aemond is your husband. but he’s also a total stranger too. you barely talk, he almost never looks at you and you haven’t consummate your marriage, something everyone is expecting for you to do. but how are you supposed to do it when he openly shows how much you bother him?

“i’m a burden to him!” you hide behind your palms, tears still falling from your eyes.

aegon feels a little better to know that his brother is stuck in a loveless marriage just like him. they might be very different but neither of them were able to escape from duty.

however, aegon feels something weird growing in his chest, something that doesn’t make him feel that much better. not while knowing that you’re hurting because of his brother.

aegon parts his lips, debating whether or not to say what he has not say to anyone. ever. because open up to someone is not something aegon targaryen has done before, he’s pretty good at hiding his feelings in a bottle of liquor. or a couple.

“i feel alone, too.” aegon looks for the right words but they don’t come to his mind and he feels very vulnerable. “i am a burden to everyone. my family. the servants. my own father doesn’t want anything to do with me.”

what the prince says is no surprise to you. you’ve heard the servants talking about the prince and how they wish to never be in the receiving end of one of his outbursts.

“see?” he says and you lift your gaze, turning to look at him, who is already looking with his lips curved in a small smile. “we have something in common! we’re not entirely alone.”

the kind gesture of prince aegon of trying to make you feel better is not something anyone would do, not in king’s landing at least, much less by saying something so personal. but it makes you smile through your tears.

it is strange, sitting on a bench with aegon targaryen, talking and being vulnerable. this definitely wasn’t on your list this morning when you woke up, but it is something you’re always going to remember.

“now,” aegon says, drawing out a handkerchief and holding it out to you. shyly, you accept it. “i am sure you miss home and i have nothing else to do… so why don’t you tell me everything i need to know about winterfell?”

your heart fills with pride and longing. and as you wipe your tears you start telling him about those cold and happy days of your childhood while prince aegon listens very closely.

#📮 ⌇ my works ​˖⋆࿐ #aegon ii targaryen x reader #aemond targaryen x reader #aegon ii targaryen imagine #house of the dragon imagine #aegon ii targaryen x you #aegon ii targaryen scenarios #aegon targaryen x reader #aemond targaryen x you #aemond targaryen angst #hotd fanfic #hotd imagine #hotd x reader

[softxsuki]

Hello, can I please ask for an urgent request?

My mental health is acting up badly again (please don't read any further if it'll make you uncomfortable), sorry if it feels like I'm oversharing with the added context.

I have recently been having suicidal thoughts again, and I lost my therapist together with my job, and since moving back to my hometown again I also lost all my safety net of the last four years.

Can I have any Tokyo revengers character with a fem reader who is feeling left behind and lonely because she feels out of place? (Like, too overweight, too unfeminine, too geeky, too weird to be loved)

I'll understand if this makes you uncomfortable and don't want to write this, thanks for having your requests open 🩷

Kazutora Comforting Reader Who Feels Out of Place

Pairing: Kazutora x Fem!Reader

Warnings: mentions of feeling lost, lonely, bad self image, feeling like a bother, undeserving of love

Genre: Comfort

Post-Type: Headcanons

Word Count: 310

Summary: In which Kazutora comforts you after learning of your feelings of lonliness, and feeling out of place in the world.

[A/N: This doesn't make me uncomfortable at all! Thank you for trusting me with this request. I'm so sorry for the wait, life has been busy and I'm mad that my writing isn't at it's best right now, so this is kinda...mid. SORRY. I hope it was okay that I picked Kazutora, IK ppl have conflicting feelings about him, but I adore future Kazutora sm, so hopefully this gives you some comfort. So sorry for all the terrible things you've had to go through, I hope they get better for you soon! ]

Kazutora:

After spending most of his teen years locked up, he felt similarly when he was thrown into a changed world overnight, alone

He felt stuck in time as everyone else he once knew was now completely different, they had all moved on with their lives while he was left behind to figure things out on his own

You were the person that helped him with that, thanks to your endless love and support 

Now that you were feeling the same way, he wanted to make sure he could help you just like you helped him

“You’re your own person. I don’t want you to blend in with everyone else. You stand out uniquely just as you are, there’s nothing you need to change about yourself. If people can’t see that, then they’re not even worth your time. The right people will stop to get to know you and love you…like I do.”

There was no such thing as ‘too geeky’ or ‘too unfeminine’ about you to Kazutora. Anything you found weird about yourself was perfect in his eyes. Whether you’re thinner or chubbier than the average girl, none of that mattered to him

He didn’t fall in love with you for your body or your looks, even if you did look perfect in his eyes, he fell for your essence–all the little things you did or said that were unique to you, he was completely infatuated with it all

Does his best to make sure you don’t feel alone with him, but also doesn’t want you to feel suffocated around him so he gives you your space to do your own thing as well

Tell him what you need him to do to get you back on your feet–he’d do whatever you ask of him, despite how impossible it may seem, he’ll get it done no matter what

Look at him…

REQUESTS ARE OPEN :D

Posted: 11/5/2023

#tokyo revengers x reader #tokyo rev x reader #kazutora x reader #kazutora hanemiya #tokyo revengers x you #tokyo rev x y/n #tokyo rev x you #kazutora x you #kazutora x y/n #tokyo revengers headcanons #tokyo rev headcanons #kazutora headcanons

[cerealmonster15]

listen people can have their differing opinions that’s cool I just Personally Feel Like it’s just so mean to be yelling that feedback such as likes on posts and a kudos on fics are “useless”. What do u mean. Why. are ppl not expressing their feelings in a way that makes them comfortable ? ?

Like I Understand i guess in the sense of you don’t get to hear peoples opinions. I also feel kinda lonely and stuff when it’s quiet feedback but calling anything useless sounds so WEIRD to me ??? What is the goal. And also yea they do something still I’m pretty sure????

Take ao3. Isn’t sort by kudos an option on there? If your goal is to be seen more or whatever then if people are looking for high kudos fics, then people giving ur fic a kudos isn’t useless yeah??

And then tumblr. People keep saying “likes do nothing here there’s no algorithm” or whatever but that’s not really fully true. On your standard dashboard, sure, likes “don’t do anything” to move a post around on there. BUT that’s not the only place people find posts. If u are looking in the tags for posts, im p sure the default is to sort by popular posts. That’s, as far as I understand, a TOTAL NOTES count. Likes are included. Likes help ur posts her higher in that “popular” zone. I have several posts that have ended up in there in some small ship tags BECAUSE of all the likes, which does still have people seeing those posts now and then when they’re in the tag.

AND I’m pretty sure it’s a similar mechanic for the for you page. I’m sure we think people don’t use that feature but I’m pretty sure people do/ maybe new users. This is more of a theory on my part lol buttttt. I’ve noticed a few rare times where I’ve made an addition to a reblog on someone else’s post, there will be a stretch of time sometimes where random people that Do Not Follow Me keep liking/reblogging the post via my addition. WAY more times for it to just be a stray person wanting it from my addition without comments under (and I don’t think people do that when they’re only liking the post lol). And the few times I’ve accidentally had my for you tab on, I believe it does show via other people’s reblogs lol. So that’s just my way of saying total note count INCLUDING LIKES probably does put posts in peoples eyes on the for you tab / my experience tells me people do use that feature so it’s not just sitting there dusty lol.

Anyway I like mostly understand why people want reblogs and comments, like I do prefer them too bc I like when people tell me what they r thinking (however sometimes people do not add their thoughts in the tags either and that is just how it is!). And I also understand some people maybe just don’t know that others like that kind of feedback and need to hear it first to feel encouraged. I think I just personally do not like the tone that a lot of posts have when they talk about it. When ur calling likes useless bc idk it’s not the right kind of feedback u wanted so it’s inferior ?? 😭😭😭 I also feel like that intense vibe like, idk if this makes sense or if other people felt it too, but it negatively shifted my own perception too? Like. I thought likes were fine. But now with how intense people are about them and not meant if likes bc they just don’t count in ur eyes, now when people like instead of reblogging, I just think of all those posts and I’m like “hmm ok is my post bad did I make a bad post bc everyone says the likes aren’t good so if I’m getting likes I made A Bad Post. It’s Pity Feedback” <- which is SO unhealthy and also tbh has a lot more to do with my own issues that are just getting influenced here so it’s not all on those posts lol. I just Also Have Extra Issues 🫡

Ok jeeze I don’t wanna sound soap boxy tho so I’m NOT letting people rb this aJsndjfcjfjfjcjfj and ppl can absolutely have different feelings and opinions about the situation it’s fine. this is just. how I feel ✌️

#I don’t wanna invalidate how ppl feel about it #and I hope ppl won’t invalidate how I feel either lol … #it just makes me SAAAAAAD it bums me out #I dont wanna feel like it’s all a numbers game #I just wanna share sillies :( #IT JUST FEELS HARSH!!!!! #sometimes I like a post so I can reblog later with tags #but I don’t always remember to do it #and then I’ll see a post that’s like #YOU HAVE TO REBLOG DONT LIKE AND RUN #and then I’m like well. I was gonna like and come back #but o don’t want u to get mad at me #but I don’t have time to add tags rn #so I guess I will just not interact at all ???? #it’s way too stressful. why are there RULES 😭😭😭😭 #and this is all coming from someone who reblogs and comments like mad. I go crazy #I am not a likes and kudos only person lol #but. it is in defense of them. don’t we all share our love differently #is that a crime 😭😭😭😭 #ok I’m fully distracted I gotta go bye

[kulekrizpy]

my friend/ex was really upset yesterday. his body is all messed up from various injuries, he needs dental work. i told him to call out of work bc he wasn’t going to get any sleep before his shift

he moved near his hometown with some planning but not a lot. he wants to go to school. but he won’t have in-state tuition since he was living in my state prior to moving. he works really hard at work but it’s physical labor and it only makes his health issues worse. he also doesn’t want to move up to a less labor-intensive position :/ he honestly needs to take medical leave

and he’s upset with my brother for various reasons, but last night he was drinking and it all came out and he messaged my brother and my mother about how upset he was about my brother breaking something of mine and not paying in full to replace it. he’s struggling with money on his own and he resents my brother for having a cushy job that he complains about and flouts authority on. in many ways my brother IS entitled and probably WOULD benefit from being punched in the face at least once for his shitty political views, especially bc my ex is genderqueer. but he has definitely not spoken frankly about it with my brother

speaking of which, now he’s in a less accepting place and tho he “toned down the queer” he still gets looks from ppl and it’s stressing him out a lot. he worries about going thru backroads in case his car breaks down and someone kills him

all his friends from back home are druggies or complete deadbeats or both and he’s had a falling out with everyone since he moved. he’s also worried one of his older friends won’t live beyond this year. so now all the friends he does rely on are in my area and not his and he’s very lonely and isolated. and that also means i’m his best friend rn, which he’s told me several times

a week or so ago he wanted to make a risky and illegal change in career and after i told him i wouldn’t have been friends with him anymore if he decided to do it, he told me he still wants to fuck me. when i told him i can’t be casual with him anymore so don’t say that, he said he didn’t say it properly and that he meant he wants to be with me, eventually. and it’s just a whole fucking thing. he can’t even articulate what he wants. i told him not to mention it again unless he was sure and confident he could actually be a good partner to me. and i told him i need time to get over him too

and last night, we were chatting and i realized he’d been drinking, and he’s in a negative spiral/combative. he messaged my family. i told him he should wait til the morning and he did it anyway. at that point i said whatever. the call dragged on for hours tho he needed to sleep for work. he was in such a state i didn’t feel comfortable getting off the phone with him in case he did something very risky, like driving drunk or idk what else. he talked about wanting to lay down on some train tracks…

AND he called me again at work the other day. like. on the work phone. he used to work there but it’s just… not professional. feels weird. esp bc he was doing it cuz he was drunk. told him to text or call my phone next time

he gets drunk and disregards boundaries. bc he also mentioned the dating thing last night while we were talking. and when i told him not to he sidestepped and kept going on about whatever rant. and he just argues abt everything when he’s drunk. DUMB shit. like me taking my bike apart to store it easier. like bruh leave me alone ??

in the end he called out of work, then talked to his sister and i guess she convinced him to drive up instead of doing something dumber. i asked if he was sober enough and he said yeah. which he would’ve said no matter what i’m sure :|

so. he got to his family’s place and i guess i’ll see him today sometime. i told him i don’t want to drink and my brother doesn’t wanna drink with him either, so we’ll avoid that at our house at least

he’s trying, but he’s also falling back on stupid habits. i just hope he can figure out how to get the help he needs

and i need to figure out how to keep my boundaries

the cats woke me up earlier. i need to sleep more before i see him. good night

#suicide m // #personal

[m0tel6mxzzy]

here’s how euphoria s3 can still work:

ngl if euphoria has an s3 i just wanna see all the girls happy in therapy and developing healthy repaired relationships and nate suffering. they need some succession writers pulling cousin greg succession whump levels of pathetic. make that man a loser as kat knew. not bc he isn’t living up to his expectations but bc he feels no shame about the harm he’s caused others. also, more interaction w elliot and nate just awkwardly in college altho i hope elliot meets a nice guy like a jock similar to who derek was and despite their differences, they grow to find happiness. maybe someone straight lace like lexi but social anxiety-ridden like rue and struggles to communicate, but in times of stress blurts out the truth and elliot just laughs bc he knows and is deeply intuitive.

like so far even when i’m in college nate is not relatable, and in fact the moment u get here you’re surrounded by ppl who are sometimes more advanced than u and i wanna see him crushed under that while refusing to improve and it killing him in this graphic, gory manner with intense greek mythological creature horror effects while the girls are motivated in whatever their choose to do w their lives but also make efforts to repair their relationships to one another.

the aesthetics revert to this glittery s1 while cassie adopts a darker, more effy stonem look but simply “darker and messy” but not fully emo like kat was, while dressing how she truly wants to dress w/o influence of maddy, but also in more complex mixed layers and patterns. lots of dark blues, maroon reds, blacks, greys, and silvers. some vivienne westwood archive looks that sounds cute and lexi wore a miu miu dress lol and bc cassie is now embracing her body but for her own sake and not anyone elses w/o feeling like she has to compensate to just exist. for once, she lets herself exist and dress as she wants even if others make fun of her or find it over the top, but it’s her.

and i’m assuming cassie finds friends who don’t give a shit abt her past w the leaks and in fact affirm she was a victim in that situation by those who manipulated her. the context of this is connected to kat, and rue narrates the negatives of what lat went thru similarly and closes the gap w her by acknowledging her presence (which levinson sounds scared to do) now that barbie is no longer present in the show.

also jules and rue seem to have mended things but i hope they talk bc a lot was left unsaid when they didn’t speak. cassie also needs to apologize to maddy bc it’s clear a part of her regrets her actions (ex: flaunting maddy’s abuser in her face) altho cassie is now part of nate’s abusive cycle and some of it is out of her control and she feels lonely, and knew inside that maddy and her family held that support nate and his disaffected parents could never replace. she does need to find friends outside of maddy tho bc part of her feels like she can’t always admit the truth to her, and college is the perfect atmosphere for new friends who acknowledge but don’t hate the old you.

it’s clear cassie never liked nate and liked the idea of someone who disregarded her past (even if she doesn’t know he was in on the reason the entire school demeans her) and i’d also like rue and lexi being roommates. lexi might be a writer but consider something else more “practical” like a stem field, and rue is undecided but considers becoming a child psychologist. i see jules as an artist that often brings awareness to childhood psychiatric abuses in her art as she grows popular, and moves to ny w maddy eventually

maddy and jules remain friends, and maddy decides to leave in east highland but adapt to college there first, as all she needed was a transition from her traumas associated w high school, and majors in fashion design, marketing, and fashion sustainability while also acing math bc surprise suprise this girl remembers everything. cassie i’m not so sure of, i think she’d be an excellent public speaker (obviously lmao) but i’m not sure what career she’d map out

***also nate’s secret brother, tyler, and anna are addressed

#my thing w the show is that a lot of the characters are multi dimensional on the drawing board #but levinson often has this pretentious or repetitive execution that defeats the purpose of whatever societal issue he was trying #to commentate on #euphoria hbo #rue bennett #jules vaughn #cassie howard #maddy perez #elliot euphoria

[genshinimpactlife]

If you’re not too busy, I wanna request a matchup if that’s okay with you!

I’m a Qiqi main who built her as a DPS healer out of spite and now she does 36000 damage every time the lil bubble the ocean-hued set pops. Very proud of that, she does more damage than what my main DPS used to be <//3

I am an ENTP-T 8w7, which probably makes me seem like an arrogant asshole, but I’m actually just more of an oblivious idiot who has trouble understanding things. Like, my friends have to explain to me when someone is flirting with me or when I shouldn’t talk to someone if they’re back-handedly insulting me cause I just don’t catch it. My friends also described me as airheaded and after they called me that for a couple weeks I asked what it meant since I was too scared to search it up since my friends are terrible people. (/hj) It ended very well, obviously. **I am not sobbing. I am sobbinh**

I’m 5’0. I’ve been 5’0 for three years and I am not growing more. But it’s okay because it means I’m easier to lift up! I’m asian with a tinted pink wolfcut, dark-brown/basically black eyes, and round black glasses. I mostly wear academia clothes (dress shirts, ribbon-ties, pleated flannel skirts, leather bags, loafers, etc.) in any color with a cute hat. I use any pronouns but am female presenting! Bisexual moment whenever I see someone who could throw my ass across the room. Basketball girls and Volleyball boys??? >>>>

Or literally just anyone who can pick me up and just toss me. I think strength is really hot. ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY’RE QUIET AND SITS ALONE!!!! Like…I just wanna be their friend. As an extrovert it is my job to adopt the quiet ppl. College has taught me many things. Idk what the heck a cotiledan or whatever it’s spelled is but I know that if a person is lonely I must at least ask if I can hang out with them.

AND COOKING WITH THEM AT THEIR DORM OR APARTMENT OR WHATEVER >>>>>

I enjoy studying epidemiology, biology, anatomy, etc. and I spend most of my time studying those because I need to be good at drawing and writing realistic characters and how their world effects them. Like, diseases need to be studied so I can make a fake lil zombie virus in my story that lives in my head.

I’m a silly little guy. I don’t care what weight a person is, tall a person is or exactly how smart they are or even if they know how to drive (I don’t drive, it’s scary.) If they think I’m cute and they’re nice to me and they can absolutely body check me into oblivion I’m game!

(I’m a new anon technically! Can I be 🧪 anon?)

I would match you with...

You and Sara would end up meeting because you kept accidentally getting into bad situations while being oblivious.

"What do you mean you didn't realize they were Fatui? The Insignia is right there??"

You being persistent and talking to the quiet and stern Sara helped build feelings between the two of you.

Sara is part of the Kojou clan, a servant of the Shogun. So of course she is strong.

She would have absolutely no problem picking you up and tossing you around.

Are you in the way? She casually lifts you up and moves you out of the way without a word.

Lowkey, does it cause she knows you like it.

She wouldn't mind if you were a bit of an airhead at times because she can see your true intelligence with your studying hobbies. She admires the fact you go so far for your passions.

Don't worry, I am an airhead too

We all know Sara is the one doing the cooking for the Shogun, so she would absolutely cook with you any chance she gets

Hi 🧪 Anon! You can absolutely use that emoji! I made a little list for my emoji anons, so I don't ever lose track I only have two right now but shhh You have a badass Qiqi! She still hasn't come home for me. Hope you enjoy <3

#Genshin impact #Genshin impact matchup #genshin impact x reader #Genshin impact headcanon #kujou sara #kujou sara matchup #kujou sara headcanon

[cinnbar-bun]

how do you deal with loneliness 🥲 i’ve lost a lot of my friends or become distant w a lot of ppl esp because i don’t have an online presence any longer and it’s been difficult accepting that my past online friends have moved on, and i’ve also recently left school as well so i’ve fallen out of contact w a lot of people 🥲

It is very difficult, I won’t deny that. I mostly did that work during the pandemic but what I can recommend is taking it easy on yourself. Every day is a new day, and you shouldn’t judge or give up on yourself so easily. Hell, even now, sometimes I can get overcome with loneliness despite having friends.

Get involved with what you like and try new things. Focus on rediscovering who you personally are and what you like. When you’re alone, guess what, you get to do whatever you want! I often went to the mall and would just wander into every store, for example. It’s silly but I found out I loved Vera Bradley (and got one of their cute travel sets). I then went to a sushi restaurant and ordered some new rolls I hadn’t before.

Another day I went to the museum and looked at the collection of violins and chairs they had and debated if I would like those kinds of chairs in my house. I then went to a cafe and ordered a creme brûlée they had because I love creme brûlée but no one else does.

Another day I went to an art fair a city holds annually. I didn’t care too much for the abstract art, but there was this one artist who did glow in the dark scenery. Another artist was blind but would paint mini animals. A woman drew lots of birds (and I even bought some postcards of them because I loved them so much).

Life is really good, even if you explore it by yourself. Actually taking part in your life and the world around you seriously can help you deal with your loneliness and make you understand yourself more. Go see a movie by yourself, go take a walk around the shops around you, maybe volunteer, perhaps even just go and try a new recipe that interested you. Go look up or research something that you’ve been wanting to, go collect something that makes you happy, go to your local library or shops. Practice meditation or write something you want.

After a while, I stopped feeling lonely or like I “needed” someone with me at all times, because I realized, no, I’m actually a pretty cool person and I can do fun things by myself! And that in turn made my friends want to hang out more with me and also made me get more friends- because now I wasn’t clingy or desperate for someone, but I was comfortable with being alone and was comfortable with myself.

Just remember to take it easy. Appreciate life, especially the little things- you are awesome and you CAN do this! And it’s not bad to feel lonely or sad either, we all feel that, and that doesn’t mean you failed. It just means you’re working hard, and that’s a good thing. Best wishes for you, darling 💖

#rambles #did this end up too long? #maybe #it was a struggle but a necessary one that gave me a better appreciation and love for life #I hope this could help you anon 💖

[nayrusl0vee]

I'm pissed, sad and numb all at once

my stomach is in knots

I can't eat but I'm so hungry

My whole body feels heavy and numb

I feel so sick

Imagine forgiving someone twice for the same issue of lying. You lied to me FOR MONTHS.

Imagine allowing someone back into your life only for them to step all over you

I must be a joke. You sure had me going.

Taken for granted

Valued? Best friend? Loved? Ok, liar. It's only online and we've only known each other 2 years so to you, it's like a ranking system. Online friends don't matter apparently. The closest person to me is irl and I tell her everything but there are only a few ppl online I consider real friends, and I can count them on the palm of my hand that I tell everything too. One of them was you... but Idk anymore.

Everything you've ever told me is now considered bull****. I will believe nothing you have to say. Whatever you showed me before, whatever you felt before was all lies. Bc real love never gives up. You said you meant every word, and what you felt back then was real, and you wanted to tell me that. For what exactly? None of it mattered. You moved on, so why did I ever need to know that? Then you turn around and tell me it was bc you felt neglected. Wtf does that even mean? So you just used me back then like what you did now. You don't find me "attractive." You feel "uncomfortable." Stfu. Liar. The switch up is insane. This is an exact repeat of the situation just with a different girl. You'll regret it, though, just like everything else. Hmm..all while in your relationship, you were lonely, and you were waiting for me to come back? Imagine. Having a whole ass gf and feeling like that. Did you even realize what you said? You don't respect the ppl you get into relationships with 💯

Everything has been one big lie. To think that the love I feel for you never changed. To think that my feelings remained the same after all this time. Bc I thought you were worth it. Worth what now exactly? I came back bc yes, I did miss being your friend, but I also came back bc I love you. I can see now that it's all worth nothing.

The fact that you lied to me again changes our dynamic completely. You don't get to be treated lovingly from me anymore. Our friendship is up to you. I've done more than enough with no expectations or ulterior motives. I hold no importance to you or your life. You made that pretty clear when you disrespected me. I'm 100% convinced you just don't respect women.

I trusted you like a f******idiot. I'm convinced you hate me atp.

The only thing I'm glad I did was get the truth out, and God showed me exactly what you really are.

Lost, broken, lonely, shameless, and a deceiver.

I'm disgusted.

I go from getting excited seeing a text from you and being happy to not wanting to see anything from you at all. Tbh, the thought of you makes me sick to my stomach. I'm not even exaggerating. And your voice, one of the things I really love, I don't even wanna hear it. I don't even wanna see your face.

You told me you never get what you want. Well, you did, didn't you? You got back the person you "supposedly" love, and I stop focusing on you and distance myself. That's what you wanted, so your wish is my command. You never feel the same thing for the same person twice? Lies. You don't even know what love is. You don't even know it's true meaning. I feel so sorry for you.

Everything you told me today was contradiction after contradiction. Maybe you'd have your words right and thoughts in order if you actually slept for once. But sleep requires peace, and you have no peace.

Despite what I feel

God has the final say

And someone undeserving as you...deserves forgiveness.

I will never stop praying for you every single day.

I give everything to The Lord regarding all of this

I'm done. I'm mentally checked out.

#personal #dear no one

[whorecunture]

tw: suicide

nothing really matters at all i just found out i probably wont be graduating on time and it's over 3 elective credits that don't have anything to do with my degree and it's coinciding w a lot of other shit right now. like realizing i mightve just had ADHD and that's why i felt so different and weird all the time as a kid even when i tried really hard to control it and be likeable

and w this its just like. five fucking years of getting straight As, i could count the amount of Bs ive gotten on one hand but like literally none of that matters. every time i rushed to class, every late night trying my best to make sense of material, putting my heart into the work i was doing bc i really believed like it mattered and was powerful but the truth is that it doesn't matter

school is the only thing ive been able to understand and do well in. and it doesn't even matter if i move onto something else bc that next thing isnt steady either and it's like for what? five years of that, im broke, im lonely, im sad and i go through life so scared and stressed and for what?

my parents. my mom already said if i died she'd get over it and i think suicide would hurt my dad but i think he'd be okay too. i am really scared at what irl do to my little brother. we dont talk as much as id like, he's very quiet and a really great kid, but he's like 5 hrs away and doesnt see me often so im hoping that helps

im so selfish bc even the good friends i have as much as i love them, ik they'll be fine - things keep going, you meet new ppl, u find other reasons to smile. im just too tired to find it. and i don't think it'll make me happy. anther best friend won't suddenly make me happy, a partner that loves me won't make me happy, nothing will bc ive noticed all my life even when i was a kid, i always felt very sad. i think now it might've been that ADHD i just could never get what i was doing wrong and why ppl disliked it so much. and i think that left me w the fear i live w today that makes everything so hard.

it's not that i dont believe life comes in waves, that every new day is an another opportunity to be kind, to be happy, that mourning will only last for a night, it's just that i don't care anymore. even those good times, they're just a quick, minuscule moment where things are too busy for me to remember how heavy and jarring the sadness in me is.

i sometimes think that the adults who told me i was mature were just seeing that sadness.

To kill myself, I'm deciding between either taking Nyquil or renewing my prescription for my sleeping pills and swallowing it down w alcohol. I think I would want to clean my house down first. The real scandalous things i'd pack up in a bag at my doorway so a friend could take them before my parents come for my things (i leave everything to my family to sift through but Amari gets first pick at everything and dibs on what money i have left). then id pick a night, get high, watch something easy and funny, maybe spongebob or drag race, then id swallow everything while lying on my couch.

literally nothing in life matters. it doesn't matter how many times i recreate myself, it doesn't matter which god i do/dont pledge my allegiance to, it doesn't even matter how others feel about me. whatever they feel now will pass and even the parts of me that stay with them, they'll be able to live with despite everything.

nothing matters and im too tired to pretend it does so i can make it to another day.

#mental health #suicidal ideation

[soft-husbands]

.

#ngl sometimes (most often) I wonder why I’m even here #or why I even bother #I feel like everyone hates me or whatever #and yeah idk #it sucks to feel like that #I try really hard to be nice and friendly but I end up being stabbed in the back #I feel like somethings shifted in the fandom lately and what I used to enjoy and have fun with is now ruined or gone #which is fine it’s inevitable for it to change #but it does make it lonely when I see ppl move on or whatever and I’m by myself talking into the abyss haha #there’s something missing here (besides a blonde haired traitor) #and I can’t quite put a finger on it #but it feels off maybe it’s me and maybe I’m changing #sorry this is a long tag rant lol

[cyphersaturn]

what txt's personal spotify playlists feel like

tw// mentions of drinking

choi yeonjun

his playlist feels like being the life of the party, but coming back home and breaking down on your own.

when you're there, on the dance floor, it feels wild. the loud music, sweaty bodies moving together, stolen stares across the room, taking shots and toasting with whatever drink you can get your hands on, drunken love confessions to strangers that lead to messy makeout sessions in the bathroom...

but then it just ends. it always ends. and you're sitting in your kitchen late at dawn, wondering why it's always so lonely. is there a part of you that is broken? missing? why can't i ever experience love, real love, the way everyone else does?

every night, there's always someone in your bed after a night of steamy passion. but sometimes, you just wish someone would stay for the morning. and you fall back into your party monster ways. life is wild and meaningless, you might as well take the most out of it, right?

genres: hip hop, pop, rap, pop rap, alternative R&B, alternative pop rock, k-pop, k-rap

rest of the members under the cut!

choi soobin

his playlist feels like being in a steady relationship with your college best friend.

it's calm, relaxed, but still exciting nevertheless. life isn't always easy on campus, with so many exams and classes to take, but being around this person makes it all feel worth it. they're the eye of the storm.

you're getting ready to the campus party happening later that evening, blasting your favorite tunes on your dorm as you try on all the clothes in your closet, as your friends blow up the group chat teasing each other about trying to make a move on their crushes tonight.

you just take it all in good fun, of course. after the party, you and your person and your friends are probably going to the closest diner, causing quite the commotion as you're doing french fries fights and talking loudly at 3am. in the middle of the chaos, you look fondly over at your partner, holding their hand with a shy smile. life feels fun, despite the pain you might've felt in the past.

genres: pop, post-teen pop, dance pop, electro pop, teen pop, k-indie, trap

choi beomgyu

his playlist feels like being the main character of an indie movie.

it's sorrowful, tragic, beautiful. it feels like sitting at the bus stop looking at the cars driving by and expecting to see your long gone lover.

you're carrying your guitar case, because you have a band with your friends, and you know you guys probably suck, but you always have fun practicing together. you remember the person who used to be your biggest fan, and let out a sigh thinking no one will ever look at you with starry eyes like they did.

you've met other people, life went on, but you still haven't gotten a haircut since they went away. you also can't get rid of the album of polaroids of you two together. it's like there's always this small pain in your chest, and it almost feels like it's always been there, even when the sun is shining on the way back home.

but sometimes when you lay your head on your pillow, you remember that pain on your chest has a name and a face. and they're never coming back again.

genres: post-teen pop, pop, k-indie, dance pop, UK pop, alternative R&B, chill R&B, k-indie rock, k-pop

kang taehyun

his playlist feels like realizing you're finally an adult, and growing up hurts.

it's a bit wild, like taking a car trip with your friends and you fantasize about taking over the world. it's when your first ever part-time job is a pain in the ass and your work peers keep giving you a hard time, making you stay late hours, but you still get through the week knowing you're finally getting your paycheck, and you're drinking your salary away going out to eat with your mates.

some of them are complaining how their college roommates are so damn loud, some looking for job applications ("i can even be a store cashier, dude, i swear!"). you find relief in knowing that you might be struggling your way through adulthood, but you're not alone in this, and that's what gets you going on.

it's going to a coffee shop on a sunday to try to get over the hangover from the party last night, your head hurting, but you still feel classy listening to your R&B playlist on your airpods despite how much you puked last night, laughing to yourself thinking about how you only get to be a young adult once in life.

genres: hip hop, pop, pop rap, dance pop, R&B, rap, trap, southern hip hop, electropop

hueningkai

his playlist feels like falling in love for real for the first time.

it's electric, intense, fun, like you're wearing your heart on your sleeve. you've had this habit of walking home together with them, and while you're smiling real wide, laughing talking about everything and nothing at all, you wonder if they also wish this moment would last forever.

it's like blushing really hard when your hands accidentally meet, but also crying really hard when you see a picture of them with someone else. you're dancing in your room listening to the song they sent you, picturing you two together spinning around, rosy cheeks from the heat of the moment, and then... maybe they would lean in for a chaste kiss. the thought makes you throw your head on your pillow, muting your small screams.

the world rushes by you, the city lights shining as you fasten your step and clutch onto your flower bouquet on your way to your first date. and no matter how beautiful the scenery, there's only one person in your mind all along.

genres: post-teen pop, pop, dance pop, viral pop, canadian pop, boy band, easy listening

#txt #tomorrow x together #txt playlist #choi yeonjun #choi soobin #choi beomgyu #kang taehyun #hueningkai #moasource #txt writings #Spotify #txt scenarios #txt fanfic #yeonjun icons #soobin icons #beomgyu icons #taehyun icons #hueningkai icons

[papers4me]

Fruits Basket Manga Review , ch 112 & 113 (part 2)

I hate that this chapter is cut... mainly cuz it deals with the most “ horribly presented” theme in furuba anime.... grief.

-The shame of grieving: “ Rarely discussed theme in Literature”:

When a love one dies... ppl differ in how they deal with it. Some cry their hearts out, some become depressed & painfully lonely, others get angry or cynical, some might deny it, some move on quickly, others move on but years after the realization crushes them, others stay still... Above all, you feel ashamed of yourself if you didn’t move on or if you DID move on.. “ Sometimes ppl around you judge you for it... for your grief”

The later is the theme of these two chapters. Rarely discussed themes & it saddens me that it is cut. You see, Furuba anime doesn’t get grief  at all. To them, it’s a small part of the generic protagonist after she finishes her job of nurturing the real main protagonist. Mothers are strong, they help us cross the bridge between childhood & adulthood. Tohru, the show’s mom, did it so thoroughly & in slow visual & narrative details for yuki. Afterwards, the anime brushed whatever is left of her character, which the anime viewed as sheer suspenseful drama, & collected it thro 3rd person story-telling techniques in one ep “ se3, ep6″ & excessive monologue for 10 minutes in se3, ep9.

In this chapter, Kakeru, a side character, sheds light into this theme. Kakeru didn’t lose a parent by death, didn’t grieve, has no dependent familial bonds with either dead parents “ kyoko & komaki’s dad”. Yet, kakeru stood & judged tohru on how she “ should” grieve. Harshly tearing her down while she’s standing there lonely, trying to hide her shock at the loss of her only pillar in life, broken & traumatized, dealing with the pushed down traumatic feelings from her past where her mom abandoned her as a child..now her mom did it again, this time thro death.. & kakeru, rightfully not knowing all that, but wrongfully lecturing her on how to behave... kakeru isn’t a monster, but he only saw what he wanted: komaki & how the world should grieve with his lover, how he should be the hero protecting her. So self-centered, insensitive, horribly cruel & unbelievably conceited, but above all... what he did is so sadly common... it hurts.

-Judging Grieving People:

As I said many times.. grief is so personal, so unique to the person & as common as it is, so misunderstood. According to kakeru & many ppl I’ve sopken to lately, tohru should have acknowledged komaki. Komaki, the not-traumatized version of tohru, did the right “ tohru-like” thing. Not only felt sadness at the loss of her own dad, but found it in her heart to visit the other orphan, tohru, & give condolences & respect to the dead mother. Such kindness & purity. Very deserving of applaud: To not only see your pain but others’ as well. Tohru has always done the “ right, kind” thing to other ppl. When she can’t now, the author brought another “ tohru” to do the “ right, kind” thing.

Kakeru is so many ppl. During my brother’s funeral. I’ve heard so many gossip on how my mom should’ve stood tall & greeted the visitors.” Being silent , emotionless & non-responsive is not how you show visitors you value their kind words”, they said. How his widow should’ve collected herself & acted properly, respected his memory by taking proper care of herself & her kids. “Being a broken mess is not how you “ honor” loved one”, they said. Kakeru is indeed many ppl & that’s how you discuss a theme by creating characters who sin, screw up & be cruel, even if momentarily.

Kakeru is wrong. There is no “ you should have” in grief. There is no ounce of truth in his demeaning lecture to tohru & I respect komaki for her reaction to him so much. Kakeru did learn & grew from it, apologized to tohru even if he didn’t actually sought her to do so & even if she herself started the apology. But you see, these two chapters are 90% focused on kakeru as a character, his growth, thoughts, the mini focus on his relationship with komaki as an example of healthy relationship & all that is another lesson for yuki to observe & learn. He learned abt tohru’s past, kakeru’s personality & growth & got to observe another example of romantic relationship so yuki can grow as a man & approach machi healthily. But then again... nothing at all stops yuki/machi from being healthy, no past issues, no contradicting personalities “ they’re quite similar” & yuki is the only furuba character that doesn’t screw up big. He learns & teaches. He’s the personification of the author.

-Tohru.. stays a “ tohru”:

Tohru’s part is 10% of the this chapter which is fine as I think/hope it will lead into more tohru depth in the following chapters. But It is for this reason I’m glad this chapter was cut in the 13 eps season of furuba anime, cuz tohru doesnt have much depth in the anime due to the quick wrap up & the la~~~~st  thing I want is another 3rd person story-telling flashback abt tohru in the anime. Honestly, one of the most frustrating aspect to me of the anime & I’ll hold judgement abt manga- tohru till I reach its end. So far~~~ Tohru’s depth & character exploration gets better one chapter, then regress the next one, then moves on, the... it’s a fluctuating process. It has nothing to do with tohtu’s feelings.

you’ see ... kyo himself as a character with issues fluctuates a lot, he does sth good, then does sth bad, chooses right words, then makes a horrible mistake & chooses wrong! which is one of the most well-done aspects of character exploration that is rarely attempted by authors! I highly respect Takaya-san for what she’s doing with kyo in the manga so far. Other authors show us a character doing one big mistake & then he/she learns from it in a dramatic way. But Takaya-san, nope! she decided to approach it in a very human way, making us be frustrated with kyo’s repeated mistakes yet understands where he’s coming from! kudos to her!!

But I’m not yet satisfied with how tohru is portrayed in the manga & this has nothing to do with tohru’s character. Takaya-san is discussing rare themes thro tohru’s character. But what I mean is how tohru is approached thro the viewers/readers eyes. I wont judge until the last chapter. but this is the part that is frustrating to me.

Side Notes:

The flow of the 2 chapters is little off. We go back & forth between the past & the present, between yuki-machi & komaki-kakeru. Again, I’m so glad the anime cut it cuz, nope! they can’t handle such narrative. they’ll reorder it in a such heavily monologing way & insert the comedy abruptly to lighten the mood. Just look at how the comedy is inserted in momiji’s se03 ep!

Komaki is such a tohru with a sprinkle of kagura’s very softened outbursts. lol. she’s fun!

I’m liking yuki-machi interactions a lot. no drama, which is why the anime cut it -_-’, but it progresses healthily. Machi is yuki’s third-stage growth after (1) leaving tohru’s nest (baby yuki), (b) making friends with kakeru/someone who gets him (young boy yuki), (3) finding romantic love (being a man). The anime was so interested in the 2 stages above cuz that’s where the drama is & cut the third. Honestly, the anime didn’t have to include everything as there is never a space in 13 eps, but they certainly could’ve squeezed few panels or even made brand new very short yuki-machi scenes. but the anime weirdly decided after yuki “ saved” machi from her trauma by talking with her in her apartment, he should just marry her.... lol.. that’s why next scene is ep 5 momiji’s ep intro montage where yuki was abt to confess!!! making yuki-machi the least developed couple in the anime!

I love all furuba’s characters, but yuki, tohru, kyo & akito carry the big themes, therefore, I not only analyze their characters, but how the themes are presented thro them & how their presentation affects such themes. This might make it sound as I hate them or am harsh on them. not at all. It is the anime director/ manga author that I’m positively or negatively criticizing most times. Most importantly, my criticism is not the law. It’s just my perspective & my consumption of the material. Feel free to differ with me. I dont mind it. It brings interesting discussions!

When it comes to tohru’s issues... his chapter introduced nothing new. We have seen/read in canon repeatedly that tohru hides her pain behind a smile (heck! even kisa knows that & told us), that she cant stand up for herself much, that she smiles for other ppl not for herself. All this was presented thro so many characters already, which is why I understand the anime’s decision to cut it. What’s new? that yuki didn know tohru’s smile is mostly a mask & that kakleru has depth.

I love this chapter for the grieving themes it discussed that are rarely touched upon in literature, but since such themes are rarely presented, the anime’s decision to cut it, ironically proves my point! lol . They don’t get grief & so, they reduced it to se03 content & two eps worth. sad.. but expected. The anime is indeed another form of “past” kakeru: seeing one side of grieving person. The happy side.

#Fruits Basket #Anime Only #manga review #fruits basket manga #manga spoilers #sad paper #I love you little bro #I miss u

[golbrocklovely]

cake tasting // colby brock

A/N: so this isn't a request, but i saw this tweet that talked about two ppl who were friends going into a bakery and trying wedding cake, and i just knew i had to write something based off of it. i could only imagine how cute it would be to go and do this with colby, omg. anyway sorry i haven't update anything else yet. i haven't been extremely motivated, but i'm gonna try to write thru out the week and hopefully get something else out to yall soon :) lmk what you think of this. hope you enjoy !!

prompt: you and colby go to a bakery and pretend to be engaged to try wedding cakes. you have a crush on him, but he doesn’t have one on you. or does he…? cuteness ensues.

trigger warning: PURE FLUFF BB, sickeningly sweet

word count: 1535

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Are you sure we should do this?" Colby asked, keeping his eyes on the road.

I rolled my eyes at his nervousness. "Of course! I've done this before."

"How often do you do this?" He snorted, turning to look at me for a moment.

I shrugged nonchalantly. "Occasionally. Mostly when I'm really in the mood for cake but don't know which type I want."

"I just feel bad about it. I feel like I'm stealing." Colby bit his lip uncomfortably.

"Well, I usually end up leaving a nice tip and buying some cupcakes, so it at least seems like I was interested." I replied.

"Wait, how are we gonna pass as a couple?" Colby doubted.

"Did you think I came unprepared?" I lifted my hand to show a big 'engagement' ring.

Colby gasped dramatically. "Jesus, you're gonna make them think I'm made of money with that."

I laughed. "Lucky for you it's fake, much like our impending marriage."

"Whatever you say, Mrs. Brock." He snickered.

We pulled into the parking lot next to our destination, Casey's Bakery. I slid out of my seat and followed Colby. When we got to the front door, Colby opened it for me. With a light bell ring, the immediate smell of baked goods hit me as I stepped inside. I crossed my arm through Colby's, walking up to the counter. A white haired, older woman stood behind the counter, her back to us. She spun around, a sweet smile coming to her face.

“Hello! I'm Casey, welcome to my bakery. What can I do for you two today?” She greeted.

I grinned back happily. “Hi! We were wondering if maybe we could try some samples of your cakes? My fiancé and I are planning our wedding, and we thought we might as well try some cake while we're out.”

“Oh! Is this the fiancé?” Casey guessed.

I nodded lightly. “Yes.”

“That's wonderful, congratulations!” She beamed. “What are your names?”

“I'm Colby, and this is Y/N.” Colby chimed in.

“You two look so young. How old are you?” Casey questioned.

“We're both 23.” I admitted.

“Oh, you're babies! Okay, is there any type of cake you're thinking about for the wedding?” She inquired.

I pursed my lips. “Um... no, not really. The wedding is still a long ways away.”

“When is it?” She asked.

“Ahh, next year... sometime in September. No final date just yet.” I stuttered. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Colby nod.

“Oooh, a fall wedding. Might I suggest trying the carrot cake first then? That's usually our most popular for fall weddings.” Casey informed.

“That sounds great. We'll try that first.” I agreed.

“Goodie. You guys can go take a seat, and I'll be right out with your cake.” She mentioned, smiling.

I returned the smile. “Thank you so much.”

As Casey rushed off to the back, I sat down at the closest table. I finally realized, looking around, that no one else was in the bakery but us.

“How did you come up with that?” Colby queried, surprised.

I raised an eyebrow. “What?”

“The date of our 'wedding'?” He responded.

“I'm good on my feet, what can I say?” I explained smugly.

He shook his head, and then glanced around. “I feel bad. There's no one here.”

“Don't worry. I plan on buying those over there.” I pointed at the cupcakes in the display.

“They do look really good.” He noted.

“And it smells like heaven in here.” I borderline moaned.

Colby cleared his throat, moving in closer to the table. “So... where would you want to get to married, if you could choose?”

“I don't know. Probably on the beach,” I answered. “I've always dreamed of getting married on the beach.”

“That sounds nice. Have you thought about your wedding, like all the little details and whatnot?” Colby gushed brightly.

I cocked my head to the side, almost laughing at him.

“What? Isn't that something most girls do?” He argued jokingly.

“First off, not every girl dreams about their wedding.” I scoffed. “But secondly, yes I have.”

“Who'd you get married to?” He questioned abruptly.

I choked. “Um-”

Casey busted in, cutting me off. “Okay! Sorry about that. I figured I might as well bring out some other samples besides the carrot cake.”

She placed four plates down in front of us. Each had two little sections of cake on it. There was carrot, vanilla, chocolate, and red velvet. I could feel my mouth water as she placed two forks down.

“So, for any cakes that we do make, we can obviously do any form of icing. But traditionally, red velvet and carrot always have cream cheese icing. I do my own little spin on both, of course.” She babbled, giggling. “And then for the vanilla, I did vanilla icing. And the chocolate has chocolate icing as well. Go ahead and dig in.”

I grabbed a fork and sliced a piece of the carrot cake. I took my bite slowly, enjoying the sweetness of the icing, with a hint of cinnamon. I glanced up at Colby as he did the same, his eyes landing on me with a hidden smile.

“This is really good. And I don't usually like carrot cake. But this... so good.” Colby spoke, covering his mouth.

“That's great to hear. And what about you, Y/N?” Casey turned to me.

I praised. “Delicious. I love carrot cake, so this hits the spot.”

“I'm happy you enjoy it. I love a good carrot cake myself,” She confessed. “So, where are you guys planning to get married?”

“In Santa Monica. On the beach.” Colby stated.

My eyes widened, staring at Colby quickly. He gazed over at me, a smirk on his lips.

“A fall wedding on the beach?” Casey puzzled.

“Yeah. It's never really fall here anyway.” Colby commented.

“That is very true,” Casey chuckled. “A beach wedding, huh? That's so fun. What colors?”

“Red and white. And with some black thrown in. For him.” I teased.

“Aww, thanks babe.” Colby winked.

I felt my heart skip a beat for a second. I tried to brush off the butterflies in my stomach as hunger pains.

Casey sang. “You two are adorable! Now, try the vanilla cake. It's our top seller.”

After trying the rest of the cakes, Colby excused himself to go to the restroom. Casey sat down in Colby's seat, scooching in.

“Now I have to ask, how long have you two been together?” She inquired.

“Four years,” I lied. “Basically as long as I've known him.”

“You two already act like an old married couple. I can see how much he cares about you.” She disclosed.

I squeaked. “Really?”

“Oh yeah. It's so noticeable,” She swatted her hand lightly. “He's smitten, and I can see why. You are so sweet to him, and he just can't get enough. It's all in his eyes.”

Casey stood up and slowly cleaned up the plates, as I sat there in silence.

Was Colby really that into me?

Maybe she was lying. But something about her words stuck with me.

I’ve always had a small crush on Colby, ever since I met him. And everyone in our friend group knew about it. I always chalked up my feelings to me just being lonely and him always being there for me. But maybe there was something more in how I felt for him. The idea of marrying Colby didn’t seem bad at all. If anything, it was something I could see maybe happening. I mean, we were really close. And our friends always joked about us being a couple. Maybe they weren't jokes after all.

But does he even like me like that?

“Did you order the cupcakes, Y/N?” Colby’s voice broke my thoughts.

I stared up at him, stumbling. “Hmm? What? I-uh, no. I didn't.”

Colby’s dimples appeared as he chuckled at the fumbling of my words. “Okay. I'm gonna go order them then.”

I nodded, slowly standing up and grabbing my purse. I walked over to him, watching him pay for the cupcakes.

“Well, when you're ready to place an order for your cake, you let me know.” Casey addressed, handing Colby a business card and the cupcakes.

Colby assured. “Of course, Casey. Thank you so much for the samples.”

“And thank you for being such a fine gentleman. You take good care of Y/N, you hear?” She patted the counter near me.

He laughed softly, the both of us beginning to leave. “Absolutely. Have a nice day.”

“Same to you. Goodbye, my little love birds!” Casey waved.

We walked out of the bakery and back onto the busy street. Everything felt strange around me, like I just woke up from a dream.

Back to reality, I guess.

“She was... fun.” I remarked happily.

“Yeah, definitely.” He smiled, getting into his car. “I know what bakery I'm coming to if I do get married.”

I sat down, putting the cupcakes on the floor next to my feet. “We'll have to do this again sometime.”

Colby turned to me, his eyes snaking up my body and finally stopping on my face with a click of his tongue.

“Whatever you say, Mrs. Brock.”

#colby brock #colby brock fluff #colby brock x reader #colby brock fanfic #colby brock fic #colby brock fanfiction #colby brock oneshot #colby brock one shot

[amwritingmeta]

15x19: A First Ending

This was a good episode! Oh, I know, I know - we didn’t get Cas back. But oh, boy, that should mean that Misha shot for five of eight days for 15x20 and that makes me want to rub my hands together with the hope of what that might mean. All the good things!

Oh, don’t hang your hopes on mine btw. I had very high hopes that we’d get Cas back, or very strongly established as coming back (as per 13x04) with a final scene of him waking up in the Empty or something like it, and that didn’t happen, but omg I’m so glad they didn’t.

When Jack started praying and reaching out to Cas my heart almost stopped. 

If Dean doesn’t instigate Cas’ return, then oh it would take away too much!

But then Jack’s moment didn’t lead to anything, and now, the more I think about it, there more it feels like a plant. A reminder of how he prayed to Cas the last time, and woke him. We shall see, eh?

And then we got Dean telling Chuck to bring Cas back, which was a pivotal plant as well. I’d been worried if they hadn’t mentioned Cas more than once, with Dean telling Jack and Sam that Cas sacrificed himself to save him, yeah? 

If there had been no more Cas for the entire episode then, narratively speaking, I would have started wondering what role Cas might actually play in 15x20.

But Cas was mentioned more than once. We even got to hear his voice and have that fake return to stir our... I almost wrote loins, but that’s not appropriate so let’s change it to stir our... martinis. 

Ah yes. We could all use a drink, I’m sure.

The dog as well! Dean was so happy and he carried the dog and petted the dog and put it in Cas’ spot in the backseat and was all, yes, emotional substitute! And then... poof. Because it’s not going to be that easy to replace Cas. *fingers crossed*

Here’s mostly why I’m hopeful for something quite different as the actual finale of the show, the proper wrapping up of these character journeys:

This first ending is for those who have followed the show explicitly to watch these two brothers. (yes there’s a word for them but let’s not)

It ends exactly how these viewers -- and quite possibly the writers who wrote it -- always saw the show ending. It gives an emotionally satisfying wrapping up of all the thematic threads of the show and gives the brothers their hard-won freedom, and keeps the brothers riding in Baby, together, indefinitely. 

And these viewers and fans will always be able to stop watching the show there and keep that as their perfect ending.

Except it’s not the ending-ending. Is it?

This episode neatly and gorgeously wrapped up the Michael/Lucifer/Chuck storyline. It wiped the slate completely clean. Especially with Michael killing Lucifer and Chuck killing Michael. These characters just completely annihilating  each other because they’ve all served their purpose.

And Chuck being drained of his powers and ending up ignored, never to be worshipped again, or even remembered, is such a fitting ending for him! And with Dean refusing to kill him, leaving him to his fate, I’d call that Dean integrating his Shadow.

No more fearing it. It’s powerless. Thanks to Jack (Dean’s inner child) who now holds all the power in the universe.

I’d say Dean Winchester has reached a point of internal balance.

And for all of these good things: Chuck powerless, Jack the New God, surely helping to fix what Cas broke by restoring Heaven (I’m assuming Heaven will be repopulated or that God’s grace will level it out) and Jack stepping into shoes that Cas once tried to fill and failed to, to the detriment to so many of his kin, is simply stunning.

I cried, properly, at Jack’s speech. It was beautiful.

But for all these good things and wrappings up of stuff, didn’t the ending feel kind of superficial? Like stuff was missing in those final five minutes or so? Like... I don’t know... Sam mentioning Eileen maybe? Because surely she was brought back along with everyone else, and one episode ago he was losing his mind over the loss of her.

And they didn’t even mention Cas. Jack mentioned Castiel as a good influence, but Cas was just bunched in with “everyone we’ve lost along the way”.

Meh.

Hey, it’s fine if all you care about is Dean and Sam and you think that they’re at their happiest when they get to drive along a road in Baby, listening to tunes and play-fighting and reminiscing about all those people that have come and gone, while they know they’ll always remain the same.

I mean, if we hadn’t gotten that montage at the end of this episode (a fucking MONTAGE ppl) I would’ve started thinking that maybe Misha was coming back to shoot flashbacks for 15x20, as we got to see the brothers remembering Cas (like with Mary), taking a walk down memory lane and driving around to well-known locales for a final hurrah.

But we got that fucking montage, ppl.

Leaving me to feel that they probably won’t also spend forty minutes rememberembering those same people. You know?

Also, dull. And Dabb is anything but dull. And Dabb loves pulling on stuff he’s hinted at in the first ep of the season. 

And I remember reacting to Sam being the one to escort the kid and her mother into the, what was it? The high school, right? For safety.

While Dean and Cas had that tense exchange by Baby, where Dean couldn’t not ask if Cas was okay and Cas saying, hopefully, that he was, but Dean remaining stone faced and distant. “Awkward” is what Belphegor called it.

Oh. Please let there be awkwardness in 15x20. I beg on bent knees. Beg, I say!

Anyway.

What is 15x20 going to be about if it isn’t about finally answering the question of what will make the brothers happy?

A balanced universe, of course! But freedom without love... sounds kind of lonely to me. 

So, have they answered the question of What do I want? yet? Is this what they want for themselves? More of the same? This season has hinted that it isn’t. It’s hinted very strongly that it isn’t.

So, I’m holding my breath that Dean’s final confrontation is to do with happiness and daring to want it for himself. Daring to admit to wanting it for himself. Daring to go after it... 

Cas does not belong in the Empty.

And hope that it’s telling how Jack didn’t even think to get Cas out of there and bring him home. God got Lucifer out of the Empty so Jack definitely has the power. 

And Dean didn’t ask him to get Cas out of there, not because he doesn’t still want Cas out, but because it would ruin the first ending for the people who want Cas to stay dead. Yeah? 

It’s kind of beautifully done, to my mind, as a nod and a thank you to the people who have supported one reading of the show. It’ll be difficult for them to go apeshit when Dabb and the writers can simply tell them they don’t have to watch further than 15x19 and be content that they’ve got an ending that lets them cling to the brothers as the begin all, end all.

And yes, I remain believing we will get Dean and Cas together-together before the end of the show. I have no clue how much of a together-together we’ll get, but for the show not to give us a clear understanding of how Dean loves Cas back is unthinkable at this point, and will stay unthinkable until the show tells me otherwise, because nothing but those two together makes even a lick of sense to me.

Dean’s feelings were in the subtext this episode because that’s where they always have been and hopefully fingers crossed because this ending wasn’t for us, it was for other sides of fandom, giving them room for denial, if they simply don’t want to see that what Dean wants is Cas back.

Our ending isn’t happening until next week.

Dean: It’s a helluva time to bail. There’s a lot of people counting on you. People with questions—they’re gonna need answers. Jack: The answers will be in each of them. Maybe not today, but someday.

For me this may be setting up for 15x20.

Dean could be said to be accepting the reality of Cas being gone this episode. He starts off not telling the whole truth about what happened with Cas (of course), he’s drinking himself stupid, he tries to demand of Chuck to bring Cas back, he finds that emotional crutch in the doggo and he moves into acceptance because what else can he do?

Especially if he’s still reeling and is struggling with his fear of happiness, with not feeling deserving, with it being easier to simply let it all go.

But.

Letting go of the need is healthy, allowing it to make way for the real want that is about choosing Cas, not because he feels lost without him, but because Cas completes him...

That would be something. 

(oh shush let’s get with the romance) (Jerry always brings it)

The brothers love each other, but throughout this narrative there’s been hints that they both long for more. So much more. It would be so weird if it didn’t all wrap up with more being wanted and chosen and offered and had.

So if the answers are to be “in each of them -- someday”, then maybe Dean just needs to reach a moment where he’s ready to admit to himself that he can’t stand the fact that Cas died not knowing that Dean loves him back.

I wonder if Sam will push for this admittance... I’d like to witness that conversation, that’s for sure.

And Eileen. I hope she’s back sooner rather than later next episode!!

What’s next episode going to be about if it’s not about the breaking of old patterns to make way for new ones...? Are we going to follow the boys around as they do laundry and cook and make a few tentative plans for their unknown future? They won’t be hunting much in 15x20, at least if Dabb is anything to go by. I guess there might be something brief as a final The Boys With Their Weapons Doing Their Thing, but... it won’t be a case episode. And it would’ve been strange if it was, you know?

So then. Hope. One more week breathing eating sleeping on hopes and wishes and we shall simply have to wait and see what we get.

I have every faith it will blow us away, but I’m also sitting pretty. Reining in those horses lest they run away with me. And whatever comes our way, I’m so grateful for this show!

#spn meta #spn 15x19 #spn speculation #dean #cas #sam #jack #chuck #michael #lucifer #deancas #destiel #hopes and wishes

[sleeplesscenarios]

bingqiu and headpats - an essay

or something... this is just me word vomiting after rereading chapter 49, have fun :)

so, for context, this is the chapter when luo binghe kisses shen qingqiu after shen qingqiu pats him on the head and there are some important points to make.

now there’s a whole ass paragraph in there going on about how much sqq loves to pat ppl on the head and there’s one sentence that’s something like “don’t touch a man’s head or a woman’s waist” and it barely makes sense tbh but it’s sqq, shit barely ever make sense in his head. what’s important here is three things:

1. shen qingqiu loves patting people’s head 2. he got the idea that he’s not supposed to pat people’s head 3. luo binghe always let him pat his head

there we need to clear one thing up: 

what are headpats?

headpats are the most affectionate things in the world. based on the gay content i consumed, i’ve come to the conclusion that headpats are an “i like you” in gay. unfortunately, not everyone is aware of that (maybe it’s not even true but it makes sense if you consider that quote above) but i can 100% guarantee you that you can make a person’s heart flutter if you pat their head a lot more than a hug could ever do.

headpats not only make one’s heart flutter but also give comfort. it also means “you did well” and i know for a fact that this sentence could make many stressed af people cry (imagine a lbh who lost the only person who ever loved him and then gets him back... yeah...). usually the older is the one giving comfort to the younger bc parental instincts or whatever so it’s also extra heart fluttering when the younger gives it to the older uwu. anyways, headpats don’t only give comfort, they could also provide safety.

most importantly, it suggests that the person’s palm is resting on top of your head, the highest point of your body which calms you down and keeps you grounded. good for anxiety (if the person can be touched, please don’t touch an anxious/panicked person if they don’t give a sign that it’s ok you could alert them and make it worse) and easing nerves.

next, headpats from luo binghe’s point of view:

we have our white lotus precious sunshine half demon child who suffered through every shit possible before finally meeting this man whose attitude took a 180° turn. as said before, sqq LOVES patting people’s head and sqq always thought that binghe is a very cute boy so how could he resist just patting his head and ruffling his hair all the time? he can’t. he won’t. luo binghe is both touch starved and affection starved so this man is not only the first person who treated him well but also probably the first person who touched him with affection instead of beating him.

imagine this long suffered, touch and affection starved 14 years old luo binghe having his head patted by shen qingqiu for the first time. yes. i would fall in love on the spot too.

and after that, shen qingqiu keeps doing it because it’s what he does and luo binghe thinks he would get used to it by the time he’s 17 or smth but no??? it’s always the same fluttering feeling he gets in his heart, and it warms his whole body up and fills him with happiness and god, he never wants sqq to let go of him :(( it calms him down, comforts him, encourages him, makes him feel cared for and loved........ *cries*

moving on to the most interesting part, headpats from shen qingqiu’s point of view:

so shen qingqiu LOVES giving headpats and he finally found this adorable, enthusiastic little boy who lets him pat his head for all he wants (see the never wants him to let go part above). but sqq has his doubts because should he really pat the head of this half demon boi who would cut off his whole arm later on? yes. he keeps doing it anyways because yolo (his words not mine).

at first, he pats binghe’s head because “good little baby protagonist, grow strong, kill ppl, get women uwuwu shizun supports you pls remember not to kill me later”. and he doesn’t even notice it but he grows super attached to this kid, like the novel didn’t mention but i’d bet money that when he ditched binghe to the abyss, he would stare at his open palm and imagine what binghe’s head/hair felt like beneath his palm/fingers. because he did give him a lot of his love and affection so of course, he wouldn’t come out of this unscathed. headpats affect the giver too. everytime he patted binghe’s head, sqq would look at the way lbh’s eyes lit up and he relaxed under his touch because he trusted him so much, and hhhhhhhhhh shen qingqiu had no chance either, he’s just dumb af.

therefore!

at that moment, when shen qingqiu saw the sad and lonely grown up luo binghe and his arm moved automatically to give binghe his headpats that was not only because it became a routine born out of something he enjoyed doing. it was also from his strong desire to protect him (which we can see a lot in the second half of the novel), see his eyes bright and twinkling again instead of piercing and cold, to see a thoughtless and happy smile on his face again, to make him feel loved and cared for instead of lonely, to give him comfort, affection, whatever just to not see him like that anymore.

at that time, shen qingqiu’s arm moved to pat luo binghe’s head because he loved luo binghe very much (even if he didn’t realize it yet or if it wasn’t to that extent yet) and hated to see him so miserable, especially after knowing full well what luo binghe had to go through ever since he was born. 

and at that time, luo binghe really couldn’t help but kiss him because even if that was only his own delusional dream, he could feel the real sqq for a moment, he could feel the same kind of warmth and comfort and affection that he fell in love with, and since shen qingqiu moved unconsciously, the movement came from his heart so it reached directly luo binghe’s heart who responded with his own.

actually, shen qingqiu patting luo binghe’s head at that exact moment like that truly felt like a love confession, it must have felt like that to luo binghe.

.

thank you for your attention, bingqiu headpats forever! ^^

#svsss #scum villain's self saving system #scumbag system #luo binghe #shen qingqiu #bingqiu #i'm sorry you guys had to read this #ill go write another bingqiu headpats fic #i have like three wip #and i will never write a bingqiu fic if there's no headpats included #this barely makes sense #but yeah skldfklsdkldf #i had to

[equalseleventhirds]

ok so i love some howl's moving castle crossovers with like.... anything, but i've seen several magnus archives jmart ones, which are a DELIGHT ofc

all of them cast jon as howl and martin as sophie tho, which like, ok yes i see it (especially for the movie) and it is very good

but come consider with me: jon as sophie and martin as howl

like, for jon we can either lean into the 'looks older than he is' and make it a whole curse, or go the eye monster route, whatever ur down with. for his magic we can either say he literally talks life into ppl's stories (or brings the stories out of ppl? hm.), or he sees through other magic or w/e, whichever works best (and makes our designated villains most upset, which we will come back to Later)

sophie also originally Disliked howl so MUCH and like, listen i know this places jon as martin's employee (sorta) but she bullies howl into letting her work how she wants, she is Very Suspicious of him (eating hearts...), she considers him a coward and not particularly competent up until she sees him actually doing shit.... listen. the DYNAMICS of it all.

(it's also so very fittingly tragic to curse jon instead of martin, bcos martin in canon didn't seem to have a lot of friends prior to the archives, while jon had friends and lost them as he progressed as archivist, before eventually gaining back some of the friends who were left. speedrun it with a curse. the book didn't even have sophie's family not recognize her, so jon just. doesn't trust his friends enough to go to them with the curse, he up and leaves, and PARALLELS right.)

martin... martin. we are vibing Much more with book!howl for this interpretation, but we can have him act surface-level friendly with ppl without actually getting close to them/telling them his secrets, bcos he is Lonely (heartless, per the book). book howl was still, in spite of his technical heartlessness, so fucking caring (a mask of caring over a mask of not caring over actually caring! listen!! s4 martin goes EXTRA hard as late-stage 'oh i don't care i DON'T' howl!!)

we also get martin, great at lying (particularly to authority figures) and playing many roles: masters in parapsychology master magician, ostensible coward (when rly he is So Brave), 'oh no i can't help you elias oh what an inconvenience', cold & distant uncaring w/e, incredibly competent assistant/protége of someone rich and powerful... look at me. look at me. he's got the RANGE.

(since we are going bookverse and martin, unlike howl, does not have a large rowdy loving family, this unfortunately means that the black dot on martin's door leads to his mother's care home. you still get the themes of 'he is a disappointment here unlike in the magical world', but it's much more upsetting. we will not dwell.)

(does this mean martin plays rugby PERHAPS)

martin doesn't quite fit the airy philanderer facade but lbr neither does jon. we work with what we've got.

(we also get, bcos of the book, a different saving each other dynamic than the movie; howl is trying to break sophie's curse without telling her and getting frustrated at how stubborn she is, sophie is trying to protect howl from things he can well deal with on his own but eventually realizes her own power that she hadn't even noticed can give him back his heart, LISTEN. S4 JMART. LISTEN.)

i'm... not certain who's calcifer in this scenario? martin isn't like, very close with anyone... tim could work, given martin actually told him his secrets, which makes a good parallel to literally tying them together with his heart. hmmmm. jontimartin nation ri

as for VILLAINS, we continue to play in the book space, of course! peter lukas as the witch of the waste, formerly martin's mentor (instead of the jilting thing), now abandoned by him, seemingly the big bad (at least to jon, mr. 'the lonely is the most insidious' come on)...

up until we learn that all along elias has been pulling his strings, and is THE big bad. yes that's right elias as the witch's fire demon, look that twist in the book had me YELLING and it's sooooo fucking good for this au

...it's possible i had more thoughts but HERE IS AN OUTLINE, no i'm probably not going to write it but listen. listen. i love this version that lives in my head. listen.

#..........do i put this in the main tag. hmmmm. nah. #oh wait i do want to find it later...... #ok uh #algie writes things #it's not a whole fic but it is a thought abt it sooooo #...if someone else would like to take this. PLEASE. #fic idea free to good home. free to several good homes. pls. #tma hmc au