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#but it HURTS! why do ppl have 2 grow apart
terribles-world · 9 months
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The clash : OI
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Main protagonist: jjk x reader! best friends au.
Warnings: heart- break, angst, dirty talk, sex- chat (more prolly you PPL will find it in the story.)
Summary: Ever since you laid eyes on him some beautiful sensation felt in your tummy. Love or attraction? What happens when this feeling grows more even when he got a gf and you became a third wheeler whom he tagged as a mere friend.
Word count: 1.4k
an: this is my first blog. So I hope ignoring the grammatical errors you enjoy the storyline. Do let me know what you guys think of the characters. I really liked writing it though. Enjoy!
"Where have you been lately" you ask hoping something less hurtful when you settled yourself next to him in the couch.
"Hanging out with my girlfriend. Why!?" he asks not even looking at you. Dude? What?
"I just missed my lil' kook" you replied moving a lil' closer to his bicep looking at him while he doesn't even bother to look at you.
"yeah! Me too" he murmers still not looking at you. Still wondering if he really missed you or not.
"Doesn't seem that way" you told moving you gaze from him to the tv.
"Then what do you expect from me, ___?" he questioned finally looking at you. Looking into your eyes he saw a kind of disappointment, sadness maybe but that least bothers him.
"I didn't came here to expect things from you kook. I just came here maybe spend sometime with you cause you 've been so busy lately with your others friends." you said sternly hoping to get a soft reply but instead he poked his inner cheeks with his tongue.
"Well I've been busy lately spending time with my gf. You got a problem with that?" you paused for a sec not knowing what to reply next. Is this the same person whom you called a best friend for so long asking you whether you got a problem when he ditched you just to hang out with his gf. What happened to the person when he promised you to be best friend for life till death do us apart. You suddenly laughted thinking what a fool you were thinking that the person sitting next to you would be your so called soul mate but ironically he thought of you nothing but a mere friend whom he needed when he caught himself in a fight with her ex-gfs (that were his previous gfs), or when he needed to do his homework/ assignments/ projects or whom he can call in the middle of the night just to hang out knowing how typical and conservative you parents were about girls being out at night but still ignoring all the worst outcomes will happen to you being caught by your parents but decided to hoop out from the window for the sake of your friendship. Just a mere thought of him being alone drinking his ass off and you not being his side when he needed you the most made you think what a shitty friend you would if you left him go through that alone. Keeping aside all those memories of happiness that you both cherished all those 6 years of friendship, he asked whether you are having any problem because you decided to visit his place.
"No! Obviously not. Why would I've a problem when you ditched you best friend for almost 2 weeks for some 5 months relationship. Sending her dry texts making her feel that all the efforts needed in this friendship is going vain. Not even bothering atleast to give a call. No. And now you are asking me whether I got a problem" your eyes betraying yourself when a traitor tear drops from your eyes. Being a sensitive person always been a obstacle in your path. Why? Maybe you're just weak. Or maybe you can't keep your emotions aside when you get in a heated conversation.
"Are you perhaps jealous coz I got someone and you don't". That's it. He didn't mean those. Is he? Is that what he thinks of you. You got nobody. Just because you never thought of being with someone else he is accusing of you being jealous. What on Earth is he saying.
"Why would I be jealous of you when I know she isn't gonna last long"you scoff. "How can you say that about her. You know what I think we aren't good of being friends. I always wanted to say but ___, I'm sorry coz we are better off friends." He what? And thats when you knew your world shattered. He is deciding our friendship to break a long ago?
"Hey! hey! hey! Kook! You kidding right? You can't break our friendship just because of a mere relationship ryt?"you said, tears rolling down your eyes."Don't you ever say that again. I love her God dammit." he growled at your face standing up from the couch. "How can you even think of her like that. Or is it because of the mistake we both made. Don't end up thinking I've some feelings for you ___. Okay! It's just I don't like you that way besides Yuri doesn't like me being with you. So hope you understand" he smiled thinking about her gf. He fucking smiled. You are in the verge of having a mental break down and he is smiling thinking about her gf. Is he serious rn? 6 and half years of friendship meant nothing for him. You couldn't resist yourself but to ask.
"A-Am I nothing to you kook? Am I just you temporary escape of your happiness?"your words were shattering. "Since we are breaking our friendship better not call me kook. Just Jungkook." Wow! Reminded me that day when he insisted you to call him by a cute nickname instead of Jungkook. He tickled you in stomach. Couldn't able to handle to laughter you told him "stop tickling me kook". "Kook? Yeah I like that." That's how he got a cute nickname 'kook'. "And our friendship was good. Yeah! We had a great time." Indeed time flies so fast.
"Hey ___ it's not like that you have been a great friend. But I don't want our friendship to be a nuisance and trouble us in our future. So it's better I guess" "You guess?" Yeah! Maybe but I think you should go, Yuri must be coming" Ouch. And I thought he couldn't be more mean. "Yeah I prolly should go. Better luck with your future. I had great time spending with you in past years and grateful for you accepting me as a good friend. I'm blessed. Thank you so much, ehh!what's your name? Oh yeah Jeon Jungkook". He lowered his face looking down muturing something which is far audible to your ears.
Quickly packing your things you began to walk out the apartment. Standing at the door you took a quick glance at you best friend. Well more like your formal best friend. He smiled. Just a quick smile but his eyes telling you otherwise. Forced to do this? Feeling pathetic? You quickly tried to read those beautiful doe eyes telling you emotionally as if he can't tell you verbally but maybe you luck isn't by your side.
"Hey baby, oh hey ___ . You okay? You don't look good." Yuri came asking about you, more like fake concerns for you. A glance at her when you look a little grin on her face. So she brainwashed his head. Is jungkook seriously a kid can't see the difference between good or bad or he intentionally getting brainwashed. Or maybe he got worst instincts. Calm down. Calm your nerves ___. She is just a pathetic bitch nothing else. Calm down you got this.
"Well I guess I can ask you the same after this" your replied moving towards her. And the very next moment you saw her in the floor with a swollen jaw. "____" jungkook screamed. Processing what just happened now. "Calm down silly. I didn't even punched her so hard. Besides thank me later when you get into her pants after pampering her, taking care of her and ofcourse cursing me how pathetic slut I'm for doing this. Go on! Enjoy your evening dear." With that you walk out of the place for forever that once gave you homely vibes.
Do let me know guys if you enjoyed and comment down what do you think jungkook talking about that night? What he must be thinking breaking off friendship with you? Any guesses?
Happy reading!
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grendelsmilf · 1 year
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It’s a common fandom joke to make Sasha more pathetic b/c of her obsession with regaining control of the friendship in S2. I think her being a cheerleader is also often seen as a hilarious contrast to her being a warrior than a reminder of her femininity, like Grime playing the harp. The funniest fan portrayal is Marcy being portrayed in a rivalry with Sasha while Anne is the hapless victim subject to both of their manipulations.
yeah, I mean I guess it’s “pathetic” in the sense that sasha completely freaking out over the fact that anne and marcy are excluding her (not deliberately on their part, they often talk about her and the need to find her! but she doesn’t know that.) is like.... desperately sad? sasha is a very sad character, but whereas people seem to recognize marcy’s sadness without mocking it, ppl are like “lol isn’t it so pathetic that she’s mentally ill and actively suicidal.” and I won’t lie, I have seen jokes that I laughed at, like I’m not trying to moralize here, I just think it’s interesting that ppl see a suicidal child with a desperate, unhealthy need to feel wanted and are like “lol isn’t she pathetic.” like.....I guess???
as for sasha being a cheerleader, it’s clearly a huge part of her identity. like, she’s not doing it because she feels compelled to perform femininity; I think that’s an assumption you maybe could make in s1/2, but in s3 it’s clear she loves cheerleading! and I find it very interesting how sasha’s sport of choice is one that involves cooperation and teamwork, whereas anne claims she likes “me” sports because she’s too competitive to be on a team. part of anne’s growth is learning to be more engaged in a community and communicate and collaborate instead of only thinking about herself, whereas it’s clear from the second we meet sasha that she knows exactly how to be part of a team, how to form meaningful connections with people, and how to communicate as a leader. anne has to learn these skills that sasha already has. and of course the ultimate challenge is for them to communicate with each other, because anne isn’t used to asserting herself and sasha isn’t used to displaying genuine vulnerability. but you need to be able to do both if you genuinely want to connect with another person as their partner, which is why anne and sasha being co-commanders together is such an important step for both of them. (I realize that this was a digression from your point, but whatever.)
as for sasha and marcy being in a rivalry, I really don’t think that’s true. not only do they clearly love each other a lot, but I also don’t think either of them actually realize that anne is a pushover. marcy always assumes she knows best because she’s the smartest person in the room at all times obvi, and sasha feels that she must know best because otherwise what is she even good for (flaws that both of them do work on fwiw!). and anne agrees that they know best because thinking for herself is haaaard and she’s lazy. in the instances where anne does push back, for example saying to sasha, “im going to ditch you, for my parents who love me (something you don’t have!! hahahaha)” (to be clear, that’s obviously not what anne says, but that is what sasha hears) or to marcy, “i would actually rather spend time with the this frog family i met a few months ago than with you, my oldest and dearest friend” (again, not what she says, but what marcy hears) they retaliate specifically because anne touches a nerve. they both assume that anne would rather spend time with them than with her family because they would rather spend time with anne than with their families, and it hurts them to hear otherwise. I don’t think their friendship consists of victims or perpetrators, but rather three insecure, codependent girls who all hurt one another on occasion despite having good intentions, and who are all struggling with the prospect of growing up and growing apart. I know that toxicity and rivalry is fun and juicy, but just because they’re flawed and have made mistakes doesn’t mean they’re bad people. that’s actually a pretty important theme of the show, so like...
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sumrot · 1 year
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do the ppl who u think are most beautiful look perfect from every angle, on camera, have perfect facial features, etc? the ones i think r most beautiful do not. the right person will not pick u apart like u r doing 2 urself right now, they will only care about how ur smile makes them feel, how ur body belongs 2 their favorite person.....
I agreed with this and I still do--but the videos and pictures I saw of myself were from every angle and lighting. The only difference was that I wasn't manipulating the angle myself. Growing up and getting virtually no attention from the opposite sex despite being VERY outgoing and trying my hardest to look a certain way or come across a certain way was very damaging to my self-esteem. I never understood why because "I looked fine." Now I know why. And it hurts so badly. I've tried everything in the book to recover from it.
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blackvail22 · 6 months
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9/22/23 — 1:20am
i hate wanting to be productive in the middle of the night. i was tired all day tdy, and now i just want to do something productive. no!!! i work earlier than usual tomorrow!!!!
im doing my skincare now... i wore makeup tdy so i have no choice but to do it 🤯
im tired still but i dont want to sleep. i feel like i havent been productive enough tdy even though i went to 3 different appointments and within the 2 hours before work i cleaned my bathroom sink (that was incredibly disgusting, i am not exaggerating. no one has cleaned it in like a little over a year. my dad shaves his face there whenever it gets like 5 inches long and doesnt clean the hair out of the sink/on the counter. its gross.), made ramen (it wasnt v good).... at work i walked around almost the whole 6 hours. my feet hurt so!! bad!! after i work. it happens every time. it doesnt help that when i fell down my stairs, my "sprained" foot didnt heal properly. i also hurt my hand at work and have not seen a doctor .... im ngl im like a mess and if i tell anyone abt this theyll tell me its because im fat and need to lose weight WE GET IT. I KNOW. IM TRYING, AND JUST BECAUSE I AM DOESNT MEAN THAT I CANT HAVE SMTH WRONG WITH ME?????
anyways
im tired. like mentally and physically. i had counseling tdy and i told her everything and the time still wasnt full. she shared some things abt her life recently... still didnt fill the time. she didnt respond much at all, but she's grieving, so i understand
im not telling anyone except u and my digital diary about my situation with my ex... i need to stop complaining to people abt him and making it everyones problem when its really my fault i keep letting him back in my life. its bad! ive literally had dreams where he did that *thing* but like in an extremely worse way, and i told myself that i just had to live with it, that i have to get used to it. and, i mean, i guess i do... if i can *** ***** then he can do whatever.
im not even with him... just flirting heavily. he picks up on it, i think so, anyway....
im tired
i saw that u updated ur music playlist you sent to me recently ! so heres a song for u in return
2:51am
idk why it pisses me off so bad but when b says shes ugly it makes me so angry. "why cant i be like the pretty girls?" she is the definition of a pretty girl... she may not see it because people were mean to her growing up but its like... ive cried SO much because of how pretty she is. my parents call her the pretty girl, people at school say shes pretty all the time... it just makes me so upset that someone as pretty as her cant see it. and i wish she could, honestly.
and i hate that this makes me so angry. i have so much envy that it rips me apart every second of the day, and i hate it!!!!! im the fat, ugly friend, and i always felt bad for her being friends with me. she says that im one of the prettiest ppl she knows.... if that were true, would she have deleted all the photos of me off of her phone? who knows. and the fact that people compliment her all the time at school and in public should say A LOT about how pretty she is. it happens all the time! and i mean all the time. maybe she doesnt think it was genuine or she forgets? idk... i think the last time a stranger complimented my appearance was a year and a half ago at a taco bell drive thru. the last time i was called pretty (besides when my mom says it) was at leastt 6 months ago. im like distraught because she is literally so beautiful fuck
this is going to make me cry myself to sleep because i cant say any of this to her because this is really just unhealthy of me, like the envy and making me seem like the victim. it just makes me so upset that everyone thinks shes pretty but herself
yeah im def crying myself to sleep gn i work in 11hrs which sounds like a long time from now but i havent slept yet lol
3:16am
ok i lied i messaged her and said "i saw you commented "i wish i was one of the pretty girls" on a tiktok, and i really need you to know that you are the pretty girl. youre so incredibly beautiful not only on the outside but the inside too... it can be rare to find someone like that. i hope youre able to see yourself through my eyes someday and see yourself for what you truly are—beautiful"
i hope it doesnt come off weird
ok i cried and messaged her i should rlly just sleep now
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i always forget to send these in 😭😭 anyway, ive started a new WIP!! im currently calling it 'you cannot live on hope alone' but thats very liable for change in the future. ive made a few ocs for this world, but my favorite so far has to be mariah "mary" morrison. have a very, very rough summary of her life!!
mariah was always a really quiet kid, troubled home life and so on. she was always a bit more perspective then other ppl her age and ended up getting involved with a bad group of people when she was about 17. at first, she wasnt too afraid of said group. then little by little, they got more violent around her. and then, im not sure on the whys or the hows, but someone was killed in front of mariah
cue her chopping her hair off in the bathroom, dramatic style. she then got on the first train and left to somewhere undetermined. she had very bad paranoia for some time, eventually her feelings mustve stabilized a bit, im not sure on the hows.
she then met dorrell when she was 21. i dont have too much on dorrell at the moment, but his set of issues left him willing to run away with someone he met like 2 weeks ago (possible exaggeration) so you can see how well hes doing. note: he may be running away from something too, but im not sure what
mariah and dorrell are dating in a romantic way and a queerplatonic way, the labels dont really matter. what matters is that they are ride or die to a stupid degree. they could be bf and gf or best friends, it doesnt matter what word you assign to them, if that makes sense? theyre just insane idiots being insane idiots together it matters to me that while she is strong, she isnt fully apathetic or unaffected. i feel like very often when female characters are strong in this sense, theyre emotionless and have those cinematic shots of a single tear running down their cheek and nothing more. while this can be done well, i dont think thats what i want for her. i want her to be strong and i want her actions to destroy her. every person she hurts, every person she kills weighs on her. and itll weigh on her for years, and even as she grows older, grows more apathetic to death, i still want her to carry that guilt. when shes younger, in her, what im calling paranoid arc, i want her to be emotional, and i want it to be ugly and raw. i dont know how her emotions stabilize to a more outwardly cool demeanor, maybe some arson-therapy.
its so important to me that everybody thinks shes calm and apathetic and isnt affected at all while shes slowly being destroyed from the inside, bite by bite. i just... i need her to be messy and rough. sorry, this is very very long, i have a lot of thoughts about her, evidently
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GOD I WOULD DIE FOR MARIAH
Especially when you said she needs to be messy and rough but also silently falling apart inside...that resonated with me SO HARD!! I LOVE her already!!! I can't WAIT to watch her story develop! :)
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cloudeling · 2 years
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d g h k i o <- ask game
okay shoving this beneath a cut bcus it got vry long
darcie:
okay darcie is. shes my little guy <3 xe's decidedly newer and less developed than most of the branches&thorns group as ve was only added in the most recent incarnation of these guys (they used 2 be in space didyou know. not anymore though.) darcie iss soooo. kie rlly wants to like. do whats best for everyone especially her close friends and xe rlly are convinced that kie knowws what best for ppl even if they disagree and ve can be vry stubborn abt that. which leads to things like her and medas fallout. bcus darcies convinced xes doing the right thing and if she can just get meda to kindof. accept this part of itself. then everything eill be better and ves not Wrong necessarily but kie doesnt rlly realize thatlike. meda wasnt ready youknow. meda needed a lot of time and dragging her out to the forest its absolutely terrified of inthe middle of the night.its not going to help. but that worked for darcie so darcie thinks itll work for meda except they both have Very different circumstances and theyre also different ppl .but darcies too stubborn to admit that at the beginning ofthe story and then meda abandons xem in the middle of the woods and they fight and its like. aurgh. also like i said darcie is vry stubborn and this leads 2 ver holding grudges for.a very long time and meda knows this which kinda drives them apart even further youknow. bcus meda knows this abt darcie so it doesnt want 2 try and reach out and fix things bcus.darcie holds grudges for a very long time. and as much as it hurts meda to lose darcie shes vry nonconfrontational and it doesnt want to .get hurt even more. a lot of my thoughts abt darcie do tend to revolve around meda but in my defense theyre very intertwined. also i have lotsof thoughts abt darcies hair and the way it changes throughout the story.. meda helped kier start questioning ver gender and thats why ve starts growing it out.and then kie cuts it all off after the fight with meda.that being said darcies native and i know that hair can b very culturally important especially in certain tribes so i do.want to do some more research on that before i make any concrete decisions onthat.
olliander:
ollliii my boy olliander. she just kinda sits inmy head llike. :]. <- thats the type of smiley face hed use ithink. theyre like. very polite young person youknow. the kinda guy that ur parents want u to bring home more often. hes the first person to make friends with the new student but not necessarily the first to like.emotionally connect. that being said jordan and her r pretty close (they were /r at one point but rn theyre ssitting at more of an in between in my brain.) theyre very friendly but kindof. shallow ig??? like not in a teen movie meam girl sort of way but more that like. its not rlly in touch with hys own emotions enough to rlly concievably be super like.open and vulnerable yk. shes got issues but theyre all kinda pushed to the side and ignored bcus oh well other ppl have it way worse than me. idk. also ollis got an older sister named camille and a younger brother whose name i have 2 figure out and they love them both a llooot.
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transpat · 2 years
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was rewatching ep 11 finally and this came and broke my heart. we had to get this far, this close to pran to find this side of his - a boy who's every relationship except one is interwoven with false truths, who refuses to built yet another one on lies.
and isn't it sad? that the one person who truly detests lies has made a liar of himself for the ppl he loves. that he loathes it and he loathes himself for becoming that person but he loves them too much to hurt them w his spiky truth so he pulls those thorns into his own body, injures himself instead.
this ep, he almost tries that w pat too, about not missing his mother, but pat lashes out in response, and seeing him maddened he realizes lying won't ever work w pat. that's why he looks so relieved when he finds him at the beach later, bc lying doesn't work w pat. pat is the love he can have w/o harming himself, pat is the one who doesn't want his sacrifice in order to be happy, pat is the person who prefers his ugly truths to his dreamy lies.
and that makes a huge difference bc ik if the others had a glimpse into how much they've unknowingly caused pran to hate himself, they'd take everything back too. but they only required his fibs in the first place bc they prioritized themselves, they only refuse to take a closer look at pran bc they're still selfishly protecting themselves. the person who plays the biggest role in pran's life is the one who demands his largest sacrifice, the most hurtful lies, so lying to everyone else is much easier. it's just what he has to do to keep them happy.
ik we love talking about them as friends and lovers, but this is where being enemies first factored into their relationship. being enemies, seeing the worst sides to each other, then finding their merits actually played a huge part in their dynamic. if they weren't enemies, if pran didn’t want pat to hate him, in ep 2 he wouldn't have spat his vile honesty at him (he says it bc he thinks pat's guilt is what has him chasing after him rn, thinks pat's guilt is the only thread tying firmly to pat, like pat thought it was the song and guitar).
what he admitted was big - that he wanted to pat to remain guilty and indebted - but what was bigger was that he admitted at all. he held it in, held it in, held it in, since they were born, since they were ten, since they were separated 3 years ago. and now when he’s on edge, pat keeps pushing him, demanding him to talk, and the dam breaks, pran floods him w the truth. it's maybe the first time he's blurted his raw truth to anyone, and to his surprise, pat just takes it. he accepts it, then gets back on his point, like pran's honesty didn't prick his skin or shatter his bones. pran is honest, and pat doesn't break. that interaction pushed floodgates open, is what leads him to increasingly open up to pat the next two eps.
then we see pran burst the same way in ep10, and this time his spear of truth is aimed at his mother. her reaction is drastically different, shows us why pran forced himself to become smth he hated. she stares at him like he's sawed her ribs apart and tore out the beating heart within, when he's only given her what she was demanding of him. when he asks her why she can't take it, when he grows more frustrated by the minute and divulges more truths, he gets a slap. she slaps him, then looks as if she was the one hit.
the scene w uncle tong happening right after that is so significant bc here is pran, a boy who fed his bones lies to grow, who fabricated a perfect son to please his parents, who lived a double life for the friends he had and the friend he wanted. here is pran, who confided in his mother a terrible truth hours ago and was violently turned away. here is pran, who at this point swears that he's not going to live his life like that anymore, who thinks at least in the safety of this place and pat he won't have to morph into a loathsome creature, who decides he won't start yet another relationship on the untruth.
still, starting afresh is impossible when there's so much he can't leave behind. so pran goes home. pran goes home and carries on his lies. except this time he speaks it once. he spits into his mother's nursing arms, and then stops living that lie immediately. he told her what she wanted to hear, he's done his duty. that's all he owes her as her child. when he’s finally began to learn to love himself, he won't revert back to the monster he used to be.
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tobeornottotc · 2 years
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I LOVED theory of love too !!!!! i was so confused as to why ppl disliked it i'd love to hear what you loved about it if you have time to answer
God analysing that show is chaos for me that requires essays upon essays I'll try for you though.
1. Khai, Khai Khai Khai... The best three dimensional flawed most hated character you will ever love. Khai isn't perfect but the way X and the writers bring him to life, a guy so afraid of love since he's spoilt and has things easy but also always feel alone due to his parents not always being around, and then also being frightened by the idea of being hurt by love like the girls who hurt him or use him each time he tries to be open to that, so he just stays a player. The only people he doesn't want to fall in love with are people he views as friends because he believes love equals pain and loss, and angst, and he can't cope. His character growth is everything, the way he has to learn a hard lesson of how awful he is, and Third doesn't make it easy for him, he has to learn so much give so much and be hurt so much for him to become who he is at the end. And he has a personality, he has passions like film making. God I love him so much. I love them so much.
2. Thirds self discovery and empowerment, the way he had to learn to love himself first before he could be with Khai properly, the way although it hurt to see how much he loved Khai be unrequited he had to deal with that pain, and grow and forgive him, because he was his person from the start. The way he also had a personality, not the nicest but also the most loyal and endearing to the people he cared about
3. UnTwo what should be a plot twist, not part of the book but added in the show, they made them beautifully written, they added red herrings and plot twists and made us think for a second that he would be with Milk his firstlove but the plot twist was that Un had loved him all along for three years! How do you even beat that side couple? In a BL, where straight side couples are always forced. like TOL is the only show where a straight side couple is ruined for good lessons about love and growth for Bone's character, and Two realising how much he loved Un, how much Un was his person what they did for each other, how they worked with each other, the fact they also had personalities apart from the love story?? It's incredible
4. The structure, meta, foreshadowing devices used in Theory of love. The symbolisms of the mug and the necklace, the mug Being Thirds trust in Khai, and the necklace being his hope in their relationship being endgame, like the way they did that, the way they used many movies to foreshadow and shadow the characters, the way they talked about it. Their little movie review videos and how its how Khai knew of third feelings. The structure, the cyclical writing making the list for 10 reasons why Third hate Khai be how Khai wins him back when he tackles all of them and learn about love. The magnificent writing to do with that?? The directing, the music, the skinship??? Like I don't think people understand how 10/10 this show was, how emotionally incredible this show was, best writing in GMMTV, best directing, best music, best ending. I can't if i keep talkiing about this show it would make me mourn Not me because I really believed Not me was going to be better than TOL for me and today just ruined that.
Thanks anon talking about it did cheer me up and distract me from not me for a bit
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papers4me · 3 years
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Fruits Basket Manga Review , ch 112 & 113 (part 2)
I hate that this chapter is cut... mainly cuz it deals with the most “ horribly presented” theme in furuba anime.... grief.
-The shame of grieving: “ Rarely discussed theme in Literature”:
When a love one dies... ppl differ in how they deal with it. Some cry their hearts out, some become depressed & painfully lonely, others get angry or cynical, some might deny it, some move on quickly, others move on but years after the realization crushes them, others stay still... Above all, you feel ashamed of yourself if you didn’t move on or if you DID move on.. “ Sometimes ppl around you judge you for it... for your grief”
The later is the theme of these two chapters. Rarely discussed themes & it saddens me that it is cut. You see, Furuba anime doesn’t get grief  at all. To them, it’s a small part of the generic protagonist after she finishes her job of nurturing the real main protagonist. Mothers are strong, they help us cross the bridge between childhood & adulthood. Tohru, the show’s mom, did it so thoroughly & in slow visual & narrative details for yuki. Afterwards, the anime brushed whatever is left of her character, which the anime viewed as sheer suspenseful drama, & collected it thro 3rd person story-telling techniques in one ep “ se3, ep6″ & excessive monologue for 10 minutes in se3, ep9.
In this chapter, Kakeru, a side character, sheds light into this theme. Kakeru didn’t lose a parent by death, didn’t grieve, has no dependent familial bonds with either dead parents “ kyoko & komaki’s dad”. Yet, kakeru stood & judged tohru on how she “ should” grieve. Harshly tearing her down while she’s standing there lonely, trying to hide her shock at the loss of her only pillar in life, broken & traumatized, dealing with the pushed down traumatic feelings from her past where her mom abandoned her as a child..now her mom did it again, this time thro death.. & kakeru, rightfully not knowing all that, but wrongfully lecturing her on how to behave... kakeru isn’t a monster, but he only saw what he wanted: komaki & how the world should grieve with his lover, how he should be the hero protecting her. So self-centered, insensitive, horribly cruel & unbelievably conceited, but above all... what he did is so sadly common... it hurts.
-Judging Grieving People:
As I said many times.. grief is so personal, so unique to the person & as common as it is, so misunderstood. According to kakeru & many ppl I’ve sopken to lately, tohru should have acknowledged komaki. Komaki, the not-traumatized version of tohru, did the right “ tohru-like” thing. Not only felt sadness at the loss of her own dad, but found it in her heart to visit the other orphan, tohru, & give condolences & respect to the dead mother. Such kindness & purity. Very deserving of applaud: To not only see your pain but others’ as well. Tohru has always done the “ right, kind” thing to other ppl. When she can’t now, the author brought another “ tohru” to do the “ right, kind” thing.
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Kakeru is so many ppl. During my brother’s funeral. I’ve heard so many gossip on how my mom should’ve stood tall & greeted the visitors.” Being silent , emotionless & non-responsive is not how you show visitors you value their kind words”, they said. How his widow should’ve collected herself & acted properly, respected his memory by taking proper care of herself & her kids. “Being a broken mess is not how you “ honor” loved one”, they said. Kakeru is indeed many ppl & that’s how you discuss a theme by creating characters who sin, screw up & be cruel, even if momentarily.
Kakeru is wrong. There is no “ you should have” in grief. There is no ounce of truth in his demeaning lecture to tohru & I respect komaki for her reaction to him so much. Kakeru did learn & grew from it, apologized to tohru even if he didn’t actually sought her to do so & even if she herself started the apology. But you see, these two chapters are 90% focused on kakeru as a character, his growth, thoughts, the mini focus on his relationship with komaki as an example of healthy relationship & all that is another lesson for yuki to observe & learn. He learned abt tohru’s past, kakeru’s personality & growth & got to observe another example of romantic relationship so yuki can grow as a man & approach machi healthily. But then again... nothing at all stops yuki/machi from being healthy, no past issues, no contradicting personalities “ they’re quite similar” & yuki is the only furuba character that doesn’t screw up big. He learns & teaches. He’s the personification of the author.
-Tohru.. stays a “ tohru”:
Tohru’s part is 10% of the this chapter which is fine as I think/hope it will lead into more tohru depth in the following chapters. But It is for this reason I’m glad this chapter was cut in the 13 eps season of furuba anime, cuz tohru doesnt have much depth in the anime due to the quick wrap up & the la~~~~st  thing I want is another 3rd person story-telling flashback abt tohru in the anime. Honestly, one of the most frustrating aspect to me of the anime & I’ll hold judgement abt manga- tohru till I reach its end. So far~~~ Tohru’s depth & character exploration gets better one chapter, then regress the next one, then moves on, the... it’s a fluctuating process. It has nothing to do with tohtu’s feelings.
you’ see ... kyo himself as a character with issues fluctuates a lot, he does sth good, then does sth bad, chooses right words, then makes a horrible mistake & chooses wrong! which is one of the most well-done aspects of character exploration that is rarely attempted by authors! I highly respect Takaya-san for what she’s doing with kyo in the manga so far. Other authors show us a character doing one big mistake & then he/she learns from it in a dramatic way. But Takaya-san, nope! she decided to approach it in a very human way, making us be frustrated with kyo’s repeated mistakes yet understands where he’s coming from! kudos to her!!
But I’m not yet satisfied with how tohru is portrayed in the manga & this has nothing to do with tohru’s character. Takaya-san is discussing rare themes thro tohru’s character. But what I mean is how tohru is approached thro the viewers/readers eyes. I wont judge until the last chapter. but this is the part that is frustrating to me.
Side Notes:
The flow of the 2 chapters is little off. We go back & forth between the past & the present, between yuki-machi & komaki-kakeru. Again, I’m so glad the anime cut it cuz, nope! they can’t handle such narrative. they’ll reorder it in a such heavily monologing way & insert the comedy abruptly to lighten the mood. Just look at how the comedy is inserted in momiji’s se03 ep!
Komaki is such a tohru with a sprinkle of kagura’s very softened outbursts. lol. she’s fun!
I’m liking yuki-machi interactions a lot. no drama, which is why the anime cut it -_-’, but it progresses healthily. Machi is yuki’s third-stage growth after (1) leaving tohru’s nest (baby yuki), (b) making friends with kakeru/someone who gets him (young boy yuki), (3) finding romantic love (being a man). The anime was so interested in the 2 stages above cuz that’s where the drama is & cut the third. Honestly, the anime didn’t have to include everything as there is never a space in 13 eps, but they certainly could’ve squeezed few panels or even made brand new very short yuki-machi scenes. but the anime weirdly decided after yuki “ saved” machi from her trauma by talking with her in her apartment, he should just marry her.... lol.. that’s why next scene is ep 5 momiji’s ep intro montage where yuki was abt to confess!!! making yuki-machi the least developed couple in the anime!
I love all furuba’s characters, but yuki, tohru, kyo & akito carry the big themes, therefore, I not only analyze their characters, but how the themes are presented thro them & how their presentation affects such themes. This might make it sound as I hate them or am harsh on them. not at all. It is the anime director/ manga author that I’m positively or negatively criticizing most times. Most importantly, my criticism is not the law. It’s just my perspective & my consumption of the material. Feel free to differ with me. I dont mind it. It brings interesting discussions!
When it comes to tohru’s issues... his chapter introduced nothing new. We have seen/read in canon repeatedly that tohru hides her pain behind a smile (heck! even kisa knows that & told us), that she cant stand up for herself much, that she smiles for other ppl not for herself. All this was presented thro so many characters already, which is why I understand the anime’s decision to cut it. What’s new? that yuki didn know tohru’s smile is mostly a mask & that kakleru has depth.
I love this chapter for the grieving themes it discussed that are rarely touched upon in literature, but since such themes are rarely presented, the anime’s decision to cut it, ironically proves my point! lol . They don’t get grief & so, they reduced it to se03 content & two eps worth. sad.. but expected. The anime is indeed another form of “past” kakeru: seeing one side of grieving person. The happy side.
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JONAH’S EVER AFTER ON IKEREV TW
I CAN’T I--
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HIS RELEASE CAMPAIGN CAME OUT YESTERDAY BUT I ONLY SAW IT A FEW MINUTES AGO BC I WAS ON VACATION I CAN’T BELIEVE I MISSED THIS WHAT KIND OF JONAH STAN AM I
THIS MEANS THAT JONAH’S ROUTE CAMPAIGN WILL BEGIN SOMEWHERE AROUND LATE OCTOBER OR EARLY NOVEMBER IN THE ENGLISH VERSION SO MARK YOUR CALENDARS
I’m putting the rest of this under a cut for length bc I HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY
[Translation:
“On the 1 in a hundred million chance that I cannot marry you into the Clemence family, then I’m prepared to abandon my family.”
Whether it’s to build a family together, or to receive happiness together. For the one you love, the path you should take to the future is...
“You’re really too much. Don’t say something like...I’m sorry.”
The eyes that are brighter than the fireworks in the sky overflow with tears, and turn into strength to overcome the mirror blocking our path.
“When it’s only the two of us, I’m just Jonah...and I want to spoil you as much as I like.”]
ASDFKJWEIH;KAFJJE;LSAKFSD
I CAN ALREADY SENSE THE ABSOLUTE ANGST IN THIS ROUTE
IN HIS ORIGINAL ROUTE HE HAS TO ABANDON THE RED ARMY AND NOW IN HIS EVER AFTER HE HAS TO ABANDON HIS FAMILY TOO????? ESPECIALLY AS WE ALL KNOW HOW MUCH THE CRIMSON LINEAGE MEANS TO HIM??????????????????
And something I also really like is how the themes from the original route extends into his sequel, like the parts about “never apologizing” and “I can only be myself when I’m with you.” It just makes it feel more like a sequel and adds a better sense of completion uwu
ALSO JONAH’S TEARS ARE GOING TO DESTROY ME Y’ALL WILL SEE ME SOBBING ON TUMBLR WHEN I GET TO THAT PART
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Here’s the mini talk list:
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Luka + Sirius: please tell me about your families!
This one is already out, so here’s the screenshots!
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[Translation:
Sirius: My home is always full of flowers, it’s a place that makes your mood lift.
Luka: Yeah...as opposed to Sirius’s family, mine was very quiet.
Luka: Even though it had always been pretty quiet...but ever since “that person” left home, it became even quieter.
Luka: Maybe it was because my family weren’t interested in me, so that’s why it feels so quiet.
Sirius: Haven’t you ever had experiences of playing noisily with Jonah in your home before?
Luka: No. We’re different from Sirius’s family...but there was only one time.
Luka: When I was young, that person had brought me out secretly before.
Luka: The both of us ran around and played in the secret courtyard that person found...
Luka: Until the skies grew dark.
Sirius: ...Is that so. Where is that courtyard full of memories? Is it close to your home?
Luka: I don’t know, I can’t remember...but, it doesn’t matter if I can’t remember it.
Luka: Now I think...it’s alright if that courtyard only exists in my memory.]
*deep breath*
ALKL;KCVKNCKDSA;KWOIWQOIK;FDMX;LZDS;ALKSJFA;LKJ
AKD;XJCEWQ8RJEIU;ANFVDFJSVVF’WDOIJ
;NWEFFKKGDMZXCKCERTIIUIBRI;JDSFJSMF;JLAEKF;LEQKJBNCM
FIRST OF ALL
A SECRET COURYARD???????? THAT JONAH FOUND?????????????? AND BROUGHT LUKA THERE TO PLAY???????????????????????? BUT ONLY ONCE???????????????????????????????????
I wonder how he managed to find it? But also it was to be expected that he would bring Luka bc he always wants to share what he loves with Luka (。・ω・。)ノ♡
Also just imagine the little Clemence bros running around and playing (。・ω・。)ノ♡ ♡ ♡
But like...
OH MY GOD LUKA WHAT HAVE YOU GONE THROUGH ˚‧º·(˚ ˃̣̣̥⌓˂̣̣̥ )‧º·˚
It’s so sadddddddd to think that the Clemence house got even quieter when Jonah left. Also I can’t figure out if Jonah “leaving” means that he left to go to boarding school or if he left to join the Red Army, but that was probably when Luka started to hate Jonah for abandoning him. I can’t imagine what it’s like to grow up in such a quiet and cold place and to have it grow even quieter and colder when the one person you thought cared about you left because now he has other things that are more important than you (/□\*)・゜
Edgar + Kyle: can love between people of different social statuses exist?
The rest of these aren’t released at the moment I wrote this, so I’m mainly just going to be addressing my predictions!
So it’s clear that Jonah and MC are considered to be from different social ranks, even though MC is “Alice the Second” and has the power to nullify magic. She’s probably considered as a “commoner” in the Red Territory, so I can see why it would be difficult for Jonah and MC to get married.
And you know what else this reminds me of??? If we look at Seth’s route, we finally find out that the whole reason Cradle got divided into two was because a Red noble fell in love with a girl from a different social rank. And that romance tore a country apart, so.
Dean + Dalim: about family
Aight here we go. Are Dean and Dalim really family??? Do we finally get to find out??? Or at least get some sort of clue??? Bc I’m torn between the theory that they’re twins with amnesia or if Dean was some sort of clone created by the Magic Tower when they experimented on Dalim. And I have no idea when their routes are gonna be released, so I really hope we get more hints throughout each Ever After route.
Lancelot: Jonah’s tears
THIS IS THE SECOND MINI TALK THAT WILL DESTROY ME AFTER THE LUKA + SIRIUS ONE.
Also this is a reminder that Lancelot was probably the only one who has seen Jonah at his weakest before MC came along. It’s probably to be expected, since they’ve known each other for literally more than half their lives and also since Lancelot saved Jonah.
And technically Luka has known Jonah for the longest time, but I doubt that Jonah will ever show weakness in front of Luka because he considers himself as Luka’s protector, but it’s different in front of Lance. I feel like he can show his weaker side to Lance, and it just emphasizes how deep the relationship between them is.
SO GET READY FOR THE JONALOT FEELS WHEN THIS ONE COMES OUT.
Jonah: what is your ideal proposal?
OK I feel like this one is either gonna be super romantic or super cheesy. Or both, considering the type of person that Jonah is. But I’m gonna love it no matter what bc 1) Jonah can make even the most embarrassing situations funny and touching and 2) I’m too weak for my mille-feuille boi.
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The screenshots for the “Peek at Romance” thing is here:
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[Translation:
My dear Queen of Hearts, Jonah Clemence.
Jonah: In that party, every heir of the Clemence family will...
Jonah: Publicly introduce his fiancee, receive the acknowledgment and blessing of the whole clan, and finally step into the halls of marriage.
“What is a happy ending?”
--It’s when, the person who cannot be replaced becomes family.
Luka: Even though my brother is troublesome, and sometimes overly enthusiastic, but from now on please take care of him.
--It’s when, you become allies with the person you met.
Levie: Who hurt MC!? I’ll destroy that guy...!
Jonah: Calm down, Levie Castell. See who’s your true enemy clearly!
When he couldn’t provide an answer, it made tears overflow from his eyes.
And--while looking for an answer, it’s also possible to lose something.
Dalim: Thanks. Goodbye, princess.
Dean: I couldn’t ask any of the things I’ve been wondering before he ran...
But even so, we will still advance forward bravely.
This is all to receive the answer--to have a happy ending.
Jonah: From now on, everyone will see you as...
Jonah: The Queen of Heart’s...and also the head of the Clemence family’s wife.
Jonah: But, when there’s no one else, and when it’s just us two.
Jonah: We’ll become Jonah and MC again, and we can love each other as much as we like.
Jonah: I love you, MC.
No matter what happens, he, who is the most beautiful and pure in the world...
Will only accept a future that is even better than a happy ending...!]
I just...literally cannot express my love for this summary.
First of all I’m just gonna talk about the tone. Right off the bat MC calls him “my dear Queen” and it was just. So. CUUUUUUUUUUTE.
Also, the question and theme of “a happy ending” is brought up, and the rest of the sneak peek answers that question (it’s when the people you love become your family and the people you meet becomes your allies), but also explores how they could find those answers (Jonah crying when he couldn’t find an answer and advancing forward bravely because they just want their happy ending). And finally we finish it off with a super Jonah-like statement, announcing that he’ll accept no less than the most perfect ending of them all!
Moving on to the information revealed...it’s pretty cool how there’s a special party for the next head of the Clemence family when they’re ready to announce their marriage and gain approval. Also, it’s kinda wild to think that Jonah will eventually become a head of the family just like his father and his grandfather before that.
AND THE PART WITH LUKA AND LEVIE ARE LITERALLY SO ADORABLE. LIKE, LUKA INSULTING JONAH BUT ALSO LEAVING HIM TO MC AND LEVIE DEFENDING MC FROM PPL WHO WOULD HARM HER IS 10/10 PERFECT
Also it seems that Dean and Dalim’s backstories might be explored more but won’t be resolved just yet. I guess we really do have to wait until their routes get released to find out.
In short, this was an amazing summary of the route. WHY DO I HAVE TO WAIT ANOTHER MONTH UNTIL I CAN FINALLY READ THE WHOLE THING???????????????????????????
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Also FYI, this is all completely new to me. For the other characters’ sequels, I played it through on Ikerev JP bc I can’t wait until the releases in the TW and English version that’s like, a year later. But I didn’t read Jonah’s sequel bc my Japanese isn’t super good and I wanted to read my man’s story in a language that I can completely understand so I literally have no idea of what to expect apart from what I found out in the campaign release :3
Also also I’m probably gonna be posting for every part in the story I’m going through BC I JUST LOVE JONAH THAT MUCH. I guess it would make up for my inactivity this month ^^;
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sweetcurlyhaz · 3 years
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Percy Jackson is an Hufflepuff- Part 1
Yes. Percy is an Hufflepuff, and now I’ll explain why. First, some brief introductions: English isn’t my first language, so sorry for my grammar errors. Pls be kind. Second, this is MY opinion, but I’ll argue with solid proofs, taking scenes from the books, comparing characters and more. Let’s go step by step.
-Why Percy is not a Ravenclaw? I really have to explain this? I think we all agree that Percy could never be a Ravenclaw.
-Why Percy is not a Slytherin? Oh, here we go. A lot of ppl think Percy is a Slytherin and I’m always like “WHAT”. And now I’ll show you why Percy could never be a Slytherin.
1- I think the best proof is in the Sea of Monsters, where at the end Percy give the Golden Fleece to Clarisse. We all know that Percy save the situation, that HE take the Golden Fleece, that HE saved Clarisse’s ass. Despite that, he gave the G.F. to Clarisse, who took all the credit. A Slytherin would never do that, a true Slytherin, already wouldn’t help Clarisse (not because Slytherin can’t be kind, but surely they’re not with ppl they don’t like), and above all wouldn’t give his/her own glory to Clarisse. Percy’s altruism, kindness and true sense of justice overcome his pride, glory and power. Is it just me that think about of our lovely Cedric Diggory? I mean, is almost the exact thing that Cedric does with Harry: he says to him to take the goblet fire instead of him. Percy does the same.
2- When he refuses to be a god. THIS. I mean, how Hufflepuff is this? What kind of Slytherin refuses a thing like that? I’ll tell you, NONE. Percy thinks about how wonderful should be being almighty, powerful, and immortal. BUT, he can’t abandon his friends and family. He could never do that, and this is so Hufflepuff, right? For Percy, family and friends always come first. In reverse, a Slytherin would take this chance because they are AMBITIOUS and they want to be POWERFUL (hear me out, this is not a bad thing at all). PERCY IS NOT AMBITIOUS, or he would have accepted to be a god! Also, what Percy ask to the gods, instead of being one? “all demigods have to be recognized, and all the minor gods should have a cabin at CHB.” His request is SO humble and SO unselfish that only an Hufflepuff could ask that.
3- His fatal flaw: loyalty. We all know that a main characteristic of being an Hufflepuff is loyalty, and that’s said all. But I’m a good person so I’ll explain this even if there’s no need, and also I’m sure someone could say “EvEN SLyThERin cAN be LoYAl”. Yeah, you’re right. BUT Slytherin’s loyalty is a lot different. Their loyalty is limited only to a small group of friends, and also if their friends affect their goals, a Slytherin is no more loyal to them. Example: Regulus Black. At first he’s loyal to Voldemort, because he truly thinks he’s right. But when he realize the means Voldy uses, Regulus goes against him (we love you Reg). His no more loyal because Voldemort’s behavior go against Regulus’ beliefs. Now, Percy (thanks to the gods) is a good person and has a straight moral on what’s wrong and what’s right. But have you ever think how dangerous he could be if he was evil? I mean, if someone dare to touch an hair of Annabeth he could loose his freaking mind. Evil Percy could be really a problem because his loyalty goes first of his other beliefs. He would do anything to protect his friends, anything.
Another example: let’s analyze the relationship of Percy and Nico. We all agree that Nico is an ambiguous character. He tries to kill Percy, than helps him, the lies to him, and more. I mean, he is the last character to be loyal to, right? But Percy still have faith on him, he’s still loyal to him. Percy asks Nico to bring the seven at the other side, and never doubts on him. A Slytherin would never place  such responsibility on a character like Nico (I love Nico, but that’s the true). This loyalty, deep and irrational, can only be of an Hufflepuff.
4-Another proof (there are A LOT) why Percy isn’t a Slytherin: he doesn’t want to be powerful. I write this before in the second point, but I have another proof from The House of Hades. Do you remember when he controls poison against the goddess of discord? Okay, at first he likes what that power makes him feel, he doesn’t want to stop. But when he sees Annabeth’s face he calms down. So, this thing with poison is a new power for him: but he never uses it. Remember when, under the sea with Jason, he says something like “I could have controlled the poison, but I didn’t. It was the goddess’ revenge and I deserve it.” A Slytherin wouldn’t have such problem, they would use this new power on their favor. But Percy’s sense of justice overcome the feeling of power, even if he likes it somehow.
5-I saw that a lot of ppl think Percy is a Slytherin because of the cunning thing. English is not my first language and I have never heard this word before. So I did some researches: cunning is another way to say “smart” “clever” “sly”. Is like being smart but in a malicious way (please correct me if I’m wrong!!). And they take as an example that part in the Mark of Athena, where’s Percy trick the enemy’s crew by inventing the story of the Diet Coke and Mister D. Or another one is Percy gets Luke to admit to all CHB that he poisoned Thalia’s tree. And others. All of this are valid proof but remember why Percy does it. We have to go deeper, not just looking on what he does but WHY he does it. And all the evidences I said to you above are connected to one point: his fatal flaw. He is cunning to protect his friends, he would do anything for them. Also, how long being cunning is a Slytherin thing? I think there’s a lot of misunderstandings about this. Being a Slytherin doesn’t mean you have to be cunning or whatever, and be an Hufflepuff doesn’t mean you have to be always kind. I’m really sad that we don’t have a GOOD Slytherin (Ik there’s Regulus, but we don't have so much informations about him) to compare with Percy, that would be awesome and constructive (J.K. take notes).
6- “He’s not patient, he can’t be an Hufflepuff.” Alright, so I assume who said this is because Percy has ADHD and dyslexia. Ehm...what? What’s this supposed to mean? Only because Percy is a trouble kid doesn’t mean he can’t be an Hufflepuff. I really hate this way of thinking. Now, patient is not just like “See the plant growing and never get boring or impatient because is too slow.” Being patient is more. Percy is patient? No, he isn’t. Due to his character, and his ADHD, Percy can’t be patient. But this is when it comes to manual and practical things, like fight, or when he plays on capture the flag or when he’s angry. Let’s analyse how is Percy in the relationships. Percy and Annabeth (I love them); at first it might seem that Percy isn’t patient with her: they argue a lot, they yell at each other and so on. But, in reality Percy is patient with her feelings (apart the Luke thing, Percy is so jealous), he never push her, he never ask to her anything on what she feels. Even when they’re engaged he says (in MoA) their relationship is like a little statue of glass and he was terrified of having scared her with his big (and lovely) plans. I think that being with Annabeth involves a LOT of patient.
His relationship with Nico: I mean, we all love Nico, but who doesn’t want to give him a slap after he lied to him in the SoN? I think Percy would love to do it (I’M KIDDING. NO DI ANGELO WILL BE HURT IN THIS BLOG). Percy is really patient with him, from the very start: remember all the questions Nico asks Percy? And he was so annoying, but Percy was patient with him. Another example: Percy and Tyson. We love Tyson, he’s like a big bear, but how annoying was with Percy and Grover? But Percy always stand by his side, never yell at him the way he really want, and he is really patient with him. I’m not saying that Percy is the perfect patient boy, but in some way Percy is patient too when he wants (Annabeth is less patient than him in my opinion).
Ok, I think I said all about this. I have a lot more to say but this is becoming a poem so i have to stop XD. I wish i could do just one post but it’d be extremely long so i will split in Part 1 and Part 2 this argument. In the next post I will say why Percy can’t be a Gryffindor :). There’s one more thing I want to say, and I think is really important. The house thing is sadly really restrictive. Rick Riordan’s characters have a complex psychology and are really well built. I think that see a character psychology only in relation to his house is wrong. For example, Percy is such more than what we said. But if we have to put him in a house we can’t look to all his peculiarities. It’s like a brainstorming: when I said Percy, I always think about his sarcasm, his loyalty, his bravery ecc. To put someone in a house of Hogwarts is necessary to go streight to the point, and analyze WHY he does something, not only what.
Thank you for reading this, I will appreciate it if you comment your opinion or if you reblog this. And remember: We’re not just a house. We’re more.
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Oooh yeah the first time I was playing as a female mc because I wanted to romance ava and I usually go male mc if I want to romance a man and female mc if I want to romance a woman (and I think there was one book with where mc could be non-binary so I picked that one but I didn't finished the book), and Stacy's brother felt Hetero™ in a way, like Hollywood ish (? Honestly like cinematographicly bad hetero) but I ended up really loving Andy too, and Stacy felt a little flat but also I really liked her potential, like go crazy girl, and the mom issues.
Apart but holy shit you're 10000% right about that teacher like who inmediately threatens expulsion just like that for something not violent ??? And to an honor student with way too much on his plate ??? Obviously it would have been bad with any student, but you have literally the reason of why he's doing it and as a teacher HE LITERALLY COULD HAVE HELPED WITH IT ??????? Like something teachers can't really help students because it's a family thing only or is a financial struggle or etc but it was literally because of school (and his family, but the teacher could have heloed him with the school part)
(Identity thief anon (also I go by any pronouns ahhshs))
ur valid! that's lowkey what i wish i'd do (picking female MC if my fave LI is female and the other way around, i mean) but unfortunately i always go into the stories blindly having no idea what i'll find </3 so i cant really do that doiajdiosa and then i get attached for the MC i picked so i feel bad about changing their gender/name/appearance when i replay. so what i usually do is that i pick a male MC when i get the option because A- u don't always get the option, so i end up being male half the time and female half the time either way; and B- i feel slightly more comfortable with a male identity than a female one. like i'm still nonbinary and i wouldn't consider myself male aligned or within the gender of Man, but like... when i first came out i went by any pronouns but then because im afab everyone was like "cool, she/her only it is" so i was like fuck that and stopped using she/her. so i feel slightly more comfortable with a masc MC and end up going with that
there's also the fact that it always feels slightly genderfucky to have a male MC because choices is so sexist and also always writes the stories assuming ull pick a female MC, even when they give u the option not to. so when u pick a male MC he's very like not toxically masc and some things they add to make a QuiRkY MC that are very white woman and would feel annoying are actually kind of subversive for my black and brown male MCs. so like another win for queerness /j
ILITW MC in particular i feel has HUGE nonbinary vibes like no reason at all he just does <3 maybe it's just that for once the male clothes for ILITW actually fUCK. i wanna dress in that goth outfit <3 so gorgeous ugh. i love him even tho he's a fucking dumbass
also there's a book where an MC can be enby? worm? ive only ever read one book in choices with any enby characters at all (america's most elligible, books 2-3) but they weren't even a LI which is disappointing cuz they were a billion times superior to any of the LIs. sorry america's most elligible LIs fans
also oh connor IS the epitome of white cistraight man even when u play as a man tbh, like he was just so cistraight to me daouhdsaojdasij he kind of annoys me but also i forget that he even exists until he shows up onscreen and choices starts trying to push me into his lap and i'm just like, ugh, not again
and yeah i think i feel a similar way about stacy. i don't dislike her as a character and i don't feel like she as a character felt flat, her growth was very interesting and i loved seeing her start to challenge her mom like YESSS GO GIRL GIVE US EVERYTHING, she just felt flat as a LI to me ig? like idk i didn't feel chemistry between her and my MC personally, but also like, stacy girls are valid u know
right exactly. like i don't think ppl really understand that a school that doesn't drive people to cry during finals week and feel absolutely crushed by having to be there and that makes ppl feel like they're stupid, not enough, and overwhelmed IS IN FACT POSSIBLE and actually pretty easy to make when we stop treating students like statistics that will get the school more clients/funding (depending on whether it's a private or public school). and like as a teacher getting my degree in brasil it just feels completely surreal to me that anyone would see a student who's so overwhelmed by the amount of extracurriculars and responsibilities he feels like he has to take that he starts taking drugs to help his performance despite it affecting his health, and see that as like... something morally reprehensible? like it is bad that it happened but it's not the student's fault, what's morally reprehensible are the circumstances that led to his decision, not his decision
and like it is very much a systemic problem, more and more kids are taking focus pills to be able to survive the pressure of school and have a shot at a future, either on their own or because we are actually medicalizing not existing to be productive. and if it's a systemic problem then the fault is at the system?? and like holy shit i legit don't understand why choices gave us options like being like "it still isn't enough" when lucas gets rid of his pills, what do you mean it isn't enough??? enough for what??? to FORGIVE him???? for something that only hurt himself??? for something that is very much a systemic problem and therefore NOT HIS FAULT????? literally what the fuck even is this, lucas doesn't have to "make up" for a single thing, he needs to be HELPED is what he needs
like idk i know that the school system in the US is...... extremely backwards lmao which is not a term i like to use because it usually implies imperialistic views but the US is the height of world imperialism so like actually idc. brasil has a pretty progressive constitution and as a teacher my whole education was focused on being critical of the school system, particularly the productivity obsession, and drilling into us again and again that we aren't supposed to just be teaching subjects, we are also supposed to be teaching how to be a citizen, be a critical human being, work towards building a better future, and learning and growing AS A PERSON to be healthy and happy are values of the school system
like that's easier said than done when schools are under insane amounts of pressure by companies in practice to be productivity-driven, and most teachers who actually want to do a good job end up having to live at the edge of the knife and constantly fighting back outside pressure, but at least it is very much a mandatory part of our education to become teachers and also like literally part of the constitution. so i just... i can't fathom reacting the way mr cooper did? like as a teacher i felt BETRAYED, i felt like he shat all over my profession because that is the opposite of what we should be doing, this is a kid who needs help
and just like hOLY SHIT HE DID NOTHING WRONG, what are you punishing him for??? it's not even a like, stealing bread to feed your family situation, because what he did HAS NO VICTIM OTHER THAN HIMSELF, and therefore HE IS THE VICTIM NOT THE CULPRIT. he doesn't have to repent or atone or answer for a single fucking thing, he didn't victimize others, he doesn't have to apologize, there's nothing to punish him fOR??? like i don't believe in punishment anyway cuz im a prison abolitionist but doDAUSDJADASIJDAS???????????? HE DIDN'T. HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG. WHY IS THIS WHOLE GAME ACTING AS IF HE WAS IN THE WRONG. OH MY GOD
it's like saying that someone needs to be forgiven for self harming????? like how is it that someone has been hurt continuously until it led them to hurt themselves and then they have to? make up for it to a bunch of other ppl? my god it makes me so mad and i genuinely don't understand the logic, like usually when i see someone doing fucked up shit i can see the logic but i don't agree with it, but this time i genuinely DON'T SEE THE LOGIC. my USan friends said it was because he was technically doing drugs but like i legit still don't understand
anyway any school that drives a student to do something like that needs to rethink their entire curriculum and the psychological effect it's having on kids, because lucas is 1- not even the first one according to mr cooper; 2- even if he was, that'd be the only one who got CAUGHT; and 3- even if there was really only one singular student who went tHIS far, i doubt the others weren't feeling that same pressure and dealing with it in other similarly unhealthy ways
i know that's probably easier in brasil than in the US even if it's by no means easy here because here at least in public schools the curriculum and political-pedagogical plan has to be agreed on by the school community (teachers, parents, students, workers, and anyone who lives in the area of the school) and it's updated every year, so like, you have more means to do something to change the school in a deeper way, altho of course that still has to mean swinging the rest of the community, but still. but at the very least he could have looked for counseling for him? tried to find a way to take some of the workload off his shoulders? given him some more time on assignments? motioning for all the clubs he was the president of to have co-presidents so he was less overwhelmed?
like there was just daodsao he could have done so many things and he justs DIDN'T he chose to not only punish him instead but quite literally THREATEN HIM WITH DEATH because that's what calling the police on a latino student over a drug charge is. like he might've survived but the possibility that he would fucking DIE was very much there, and i know choices didn't think of that because they'd rather die than think about the racial implications of anything but holy fucking shit. and im not even getting into how mr cooper is BLACK because then ill just start biting people like thanks for putting that threat on a black character's mouth choices. if u need me ill be foaming at the mouth
anyway SORRY god why is it that i always get to the salty part within 2 seconds of joining a fandom i promise that i actually like it lives and the way they handled most of their plot, i genuinely think it's a very well written and actually worth ur time story but i just doadosaida like i said particularly as a teacher in the context where i'm being taught, plus with all my political beliefs, i just can't let it go aaaa
also ty for telling me ur pronouns! idk if i assumed them at any time, i don't think so but i might have done so without realizing and if i did im really sorry. also sorry for the gigantic salty reply daojdsaojdaisjsajdoadsaodasj rip me i never shut up
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silver-wield · 4 years
Text
Nobody asked for this one, but I said I was gonna do it anyway. Barret and Cloud's friendship development.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna make a mile long post. I'm just gonna hit on the key moments, but I think these two deserve a bit of spotlight.
Ok, spoiler warning for ppl who haven’t played – do I still need to do this? Eh ok, (I tag FF7R spoilers as final fantasy 7 remake spoilers) and it’s gonna be reasonably long.
Also, this is one person’s interpretation of the scene, so if you disagree that’s cool and we’ll agree to disagree.
You’re also gonna have to excuse the janky quality on some of the screens, I’m grabbing them from Youtube and it’s frustrating af trying to get the exact moment I want.
Other analyses if anyone’s interested.
Shinra HQ vision scene (Cloti/plot analysis) 
Chapter 3 (Cloti reblog) 
Tifa character analysis 
Aerith Resolution (plot analysis/theory – I should probably update this since I’ve had other ideas since then) 
Train graveyard (not really an analysis, but I got some sweet screenshots of Cloti) 
Clotiscrew tunnel analysis 
Cloti reunion analysis 
The Promise Analysis 
Andrea’s approval (Cloti ask response) 
Leslie analysis (not mine, but a good read) 
Cloti action touching 
Aerti friendship analysis 
Cloti body language chapter 3 
Cloti healthy disagreement 
Cloti post heliboss battle (chapter 15) 
Clerith playground scene 
Cloti body language plate fall 
Now, strap in and enjoy the ride.
I'm not recapping the whole game lol
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Chapter 1: Barret isn't impressed one bit with Cloud. Watching back their early interactions and I keep noticing this sad look on Cloud's face when he's excluded. But then, I'm also like “Well you pushed them away first”. But I also wanna hug him.
Yeah, so Barret isn't impressed and he's outright hostile, calling Cloud names and antagonising him. He even shoots at Cloud and then raises his gun to take out a security bot. This man doesn't like Cloud and isn't afraid to show it.
You gotta remember, Barret is 6'5 and built like a brick shit house and has a machine gun on his arm. He's not someone to mess with. Taking that in, Cloud's dismissiveness is pretty impressive. I mean he's almost a foot shorter than Barret, after all, and his sword probably weighs more than him lol
Perhaps by the end of the chapter – after Cloud saves Jessie – Barret might have thawed a tiny bit towards him, but he's still mistrusting and doesn't like him.
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Chapter 2 and there's not a lot of interaction between them. Barret does actually agree with Cloud when he says “what's done is done” in reference to the destruction. This shows Barret is pragmatic and not against Cloud himself, just his role. After that, Cloud's alone for the rest of the chapter until the above screen when he leaps into the cargo carriage of the train and Barret says, “You had me worried for a minute.”
He looks caught out when the others all look at him because he's been a total dick to Cloud throughout the mission, but this shows he cares about his team, even if he doesn't like everyone on it. Showing concern for his people is the trait of a leader and if the game were showcased differently we could assume that Barret is our leading man.
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“The folks down here don't have the luxury of choice, you know.”
Still in chapter 2 and this is such a great moment between Cloud and Barret! There's no arguing, just Barret giving Cloud a different perspective that's not the badass merc “Idc” one he's showcasing. You can see once the conversation is over that Cloud grows introspective, so Barret's words clearly resonated with him. This looks like another marker on Cloud's chart of going from a douchebag to a decent human being. He thinks about how things are for other people. Later, Marle tells him to consider others feelings, too. To listen. I'm loving all these small moments that come together to build a clearer of picture of Cloud's development.
Barret actually removes his sunglasses – why is he wearing them at night? – to meet Cloud's eye. This is a gesture that shows his sincerity and belief in his words. He's not just blustering for the sake of it. He cares about the people and the planet.
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Chapter 3 and we don't see Barret until near the end. He's back to being snappy with Cloud – understandable since he's being a dick going on about money.
(aside: can I just squee at Cloud smiling at Tifa through this whole bit. He's such a dork)
And when we see Barret again he's very professional and courteous. There's no emotion in his tone and his words are very formal. He could be talking to anybody. His head dips as he's speaking, in an effort to lower himself more to Cloud's physical level. On an emotional one, he's making himself non-threatening. This isn’t a confrontation is what he’s putting out.
Cloud doesn't look happy at the dismissal and something we know about him is his desire for acceptance, so this probably hurts, although he acts otherwise.
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We're up to chapter 5 and this is a turning point between Cloud and Barret's budding friendship. Barret's in battle dialogue makes it clear he's trying to show off in front of Cloud, who's dismissive still. There's a lot of back and forth between them in the kind of guy banter that suggests they kind of respect each other, but they also just have to put up with each other.
The above screen is the second before Cloud says to Barret that he's better than that in response to his arguing with the Shinra manager. Barret seems surprised Cloud even tries with him, but what's more telling is this expression from Cloud shows he gave it some thought before speaking. He considered the right words to address Barret which shows he's thought about the kind of reaction Barret could have. He took in Barret’s words from chapter 2 and Marle’s from chapter 3. This is called character development!
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Chapter and Cloud throws some shade and Barret blusters lol
Tbf Barret's grown a lot less hostile since chapter 1. He's not as combative to Cloud, nor is he maliciously insulting him anymore. They've entered a stage of snarky banter, which we all know is one of the big steps on the road to friendship lol
Clearly Barret being able to see Cloud in action and rely on him in battle – not to mention Tifa's enduring good opinion – are starting to colour his own opinion.
(Tifa actually rears back when Barret waves his arm around in this bit lol)
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Barret looking to Cloud for back up here. I mean, they're all in the shit, but this is interesting that he's looking to Cloud for that reassurance they're gonna continue kicking ass. The fact Cloud agrees without even the tiniest disagreement is probably the first time they're genuinely on the same page through their own choice.
Let the friendship begin!
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Now, I bet you're thinking I picked this one to showcase cloti, well you're wrong. This is an example of how Barret's mellowed towards Cloud from his chapter 1 hostility to now. Cloud disagrees with him and instead of getting pissed that his leader decision is overruled, he lets it go.This could be a moment of contention between them, but they’ve both grown enough over the game to get to the point that not everything between them is a fight.
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Now, maybe Barret's saying this because he thinks Cloud is about to die, but that seems selfish and like he's saying it to make himself feel better after being a douchebag, and for a selfless man like Barret I just don't buy it. He's genuinely regretful of his past actions and this is the point between the two of them that they can start again and actually become proper friends.
There's no time for much of a guy reunion between them when Barret does see Cloud again all the way over in chapter 12 -- that’s a long ass time apart for Barret to think about how he treated Cloud -- and we kind of brush past Barret's feelings because the plate collapse takes priority.
After that, Barret is much nicer to Cloud, trying to get his praise in battle and being a proper support to him. There's still that snarky banter between them, but the hostile edge has gone. We see a culmination of their friendship development during the stairs climbing sequence. Where before their banter had a hard edge and combative nature to it, this is very friendly and full of jokes and warmth. Barret has definitely softened towards Cloud and considers him a real friend. You can't fake that shit.
Conclusion
Yeah, I kinda cut this short and didn't do the latter half of the game, but that's because it's much more clear than this early development. Focusing on the small interactions between them that built a gradual friendship, it took a huge shock to get Barret to reassess his opinion of Cloud and him dropping from the reactor, going missing and then showing up to save the day covered it. It was like he got a reset and from that he dropped his prejudiced preconceived ideas about Cloud and opened up to him more. Because there’s such a huge gap between the time Barret sees Cloud again, it’s easy to miss the middle part of their friendship. The part where it goes from dislike to like. It’s easy to remember Barret hating Cloud and then see them being a team after chapter 12 because those moments stick in your mind more. It’s the transition that gets lost.
I love their development and how they become friends. It's not the kind of friendship that Barret shows with Red. Those two are bros the instant they met. Cloud and Barret's relationship is more complicated because of Cloud's role and identity. It takes Barret a long time to see past that persona, especially when he's only got evidence of that to go on – unlike Tifa. Once he does, he gives Cloud his full support and trust.
I, for one, can’t wait to see how they go forward in Barret’s arc.
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uhlunaro · 5 years
Text
once bitten, twice shy (2/?);
pairing: arthur morgan x vampire!reader
summary: A vampire possessing a grudge against humanity finds herself in a lonesome cowboy with a murder streak — what is a relationship if not built upon common interests?
words: 5k+ (wtf bai chill)
warnings: blood, gore, violence, nsfw (idk there’s a boner in there ???)
notes: all i can say is uhh.... sexci vampire ladey hehehe... also srry for the ppl who tumblr fucked over bc i swear i put a read more like 3 paragraphs in
» PART 1
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His presence raises awareness surrounding the empty state of your room. Aside from tonight, you only use this place to drink from Compelled hosts, when you aren't in the mood to dispose of bodies. 
"I apologize for its bareness. I usually don't have guests over."
You collapse onto the bed with a tired sigh. Exercising powers always takes a toll on your body. 
He glances around the space, eyes landing on a pile of bloodied clothes in the corner, to a pair of men's shoes thrown haphazardly beneath a chair.
"You sure this room's yours?"
Heat rises to your cheeks at the skeptical brow he raises, and you busy your mind with the stitching of a quilt underhead, eyes following the busy pattern.
"I don't bring people here to have sex with them, if that's what you're asking."
"No, I didn't think that."
Heavy bootfalls sound throughout the room, growing closer to where you're spread out on the bed. 
You hold an unneeded breath at the first touch of his fingertips atop a clothed thigh. How long were his fingers?
"You said you practice medicine, right?"
His scent crowds your senses, makes your mouth water when he plops down next to you. You swallow, throat dry and scratchy, and attempt to clear it as best as your hunger allows.
"Yessir." Your brain refuses to comprehend the situation. How he turned the tables despite him being trapped in your spider web. And he doesn't even know that you pay off the owner to keep your activities a secret. "Is there something you need?"
"Not at the moment but… your services may come in handy." 
You open your eyes, turn your head to find his gaze already trained on your face. Devouring you. 
"How so?"
You aren't daft, and you've lived enough for hundreds of people. At this point, you can sniff killers out from a mile away. Birds of a feather and all that.
But you're inclined to amuse him.
He chuckles, bereft of warmth or humor, and once bright eyes darken beneath a downpour of thoughts that you swear you see churning behind his forehead.
"There ain't no need to play dumb. We both know why I would need someone to stitch me up."
The haze clears from your mind, like a bucket of cold water dumped onto a drunkard, and you lean forward on an elbow to grin at him.
"Finally. That elephant in the room was getting so big I couldn't breathe."
He swallows thickly at the first touch of your hand to a patch of bare chest, heart beating deliciously under your palm.
Your eyes flutter closed in an attempt to latch onto the ropes of his mind. He seems less susceptible to your charms now than he did an hour ago.
The alcohol must be wearing off.
Sadly, you can't have him tonight.
— 
Your next few victims sport dark blond hair, broad shoulders, and beautiful blue eyes that still aren't the right shade. Especially when you drain the life from them later that night.
Yes. One stupid, beautiful human has ruined you. At the mere thought of his name, your blood sings in want. No, need.
So why, after so many chances, have you not killed him?
The answer comes to you as her letters burn amidst smoke and fire. A testament to the fiery need burning up your insides: a need to relinquish yourself from past hurts.
A place untouched by previous lovers, he buried himself between the wrinkles of your heart and, try as you might, you couldn't rip him away. And he proved none the wiser.
You thought yourself incapable of crushes this far into your life cycle, but Arthur, since the moment of meeting, turned every promise you made yourself on its head.
Don't allow me to be the end of your love story.
With renewed vigor, accompanied by a clear head from an earlier feeding, you strive to write her final words into reality.
But life, as you continue to face, doesn’t comprise of knights and castles and dramatic tales of whirlwind romance.
No, humanity involves violence and, more often than not, death.
You smell him — rather, his blood — before you bear witness to a crumpled, red-stained figure. Propped up against the back of a shop that you forget the name of. Hell, you fail to conjure your own name, the reason for dry mouth as you rush over to him, borderline frantic. Tripping over your own feet, spewing his name from pale lips upon the coattails of shuddering breaths.
So much b l o o d. Deep red, sticky, coating your fingers and hands like silken gloves.
Arthur gasps out a groan, weakly reaching for a wrist that presses to a mess of bullet holes on the left side of his abdomen.
“Arthur, you—” from the sobs exacerbating the pain in your throat, you expect fresh tears to follow, but none show, “damn it, Arthur, tell me what to do!”
He coughs, groans at the sudden shift of gravity when you tug his legs toward you to lay him on his back. “‘s nice to see your pretty face. ‘specially at a time like,” another cough that screws his face up in agony, eyes pinched shut and nose wrinkled, “like this.”
Rage wells up inside you, hot and rolling in waves of licking flames and ire. Your hands shake, though not from terror like before. “Who… goddamn it, who did this to you!?”
“Don’t worry ‘bout it. Just.” Bright blue eyes glaze over, blink heavily, and your vision shifts to show the slowed rate of a heartbeat. Borderline nonexistent. Blood loss nearing the phase of death.
“Arthur, look at me.”
The moment his weakened gaze meets yours, something sharp and piercing seizes your heart, steals the breath from your lungs in one pained exhale.
A cold palm presses to his cheek, and in his delirium, he leans into the touch. You press a long, reassuring kiss to his clammy forehead and whisper against a furrowed brow. “I’ll fix this. I promise.”
With all your effort, you haul him onto your back and lift him onto an unmanned horse outside of a worn-down house near the shop. 
By the time you reach home, he falls unconscious, though his heart still beats, no matter how sluggishly. He remains alive. 
A state you’ve struggled for the past two weeks to reverse. And now, with his mortality firmly gripped in blood-stained hands, the thought of leaving him to die never passes through your mind.
You gather tools needed to clean and stitch his wounds and start on a path to his recovery. No, you really hadn’t lied when you confessed to knowing medicine. A much-needed skill when, hundreds of years ago, monsters such as yourself were hunted at every turn, mostly innocents taking the blame for your transgressions.
Looking back, your guilt has never been misplaced. Suppressed, definitely, which resulted in you recoiling in disgust at the mere thought of connecting with another human.
Yet, here you reside, involving one with the intricacies of your lifestyle. And if he found out the extent of your power, your monstrosity...
You shudder at the thought. Losing him would become the least of your worries.
The next step, you take with all the trepidation of wading through alligator-infested waters. You divulge him of his sticky shirt, the act of undoing the buttons nauseatingly intimate and inappropriate. Said the person who murders unwilling participants to sate their own appetite.
His chest hair appears the same dirty blond as the locks on his head, and the freckles upon sun-kissed shoulders reach far beyond the suspected fence of his face, facts that send you into a hysteria of jumbled thoughts that should not be at the forefront of your mind, considering his near-death condition. 
It takes a few long hours to stitch up the two holes in his stomach. With all the blood wiped away, his injuries appear less severe in number, though the damage leaves nothing to scoff at. You hum as you work, desperate to rid the room of silence and calm your nerves as blood rises and drips and pools beneath him. 
Maybe… just a little taste…?
No. What tether to self-control you pull taut will ultimately snap the moment his essence touches your tongue. 
With a sigh and much-needed crack of your upper back, you collect the mess of drenched cloth and useful tools and work on cleaning up. Take a moment to slip into the vision that reveals, to your body-slacking relief, a still-beating heart.
When had the tides of fate sucked you beneath Arthur’s waves? And, most importantly, why? To enslave you both to the eventuality of becoming nothing but an anecdote to the other? If either of you even make it out of this deadly dynamic alive.
The thoughts pain you to dwell on, but you do anyway, content and comfortable in suffering, accepting of the rare moments of happiness you stumble upon like chewed-apart animal carcasses in the woods.
Forever fleeting.
— 
Arthur wakes after two weeks.
You stumble through the front door with arms full of non-perishable food and extra supplies from the local doctor. And, if not for the immediate barrage of his smell, you would have dropped the items in your possession at the sight of him sitting upright on your couch, smoking a cigarette.
Okay, so you do drop the cans of food and piles of bandages, but not out of startle. From shock, you swear.
“Arthur… How—”
He jumps at the sound of your stupor-induced voice, sucks in a pained gasp through grit teeth as his hand immediately presses to the bandages wrapped around his naked midsection. 
"You scared the shit outta me!" His gaze flickers to the pile of items at your feet, and then you realize why you had to leave in the first place. Sustenance for the human. Right. 
You scoop up the cans from the floor and rush into the kitchen, Arthur… lukewarm on your heels.
"Listen, you need to rest until those wounds can heal. Exercise comes after."
The smirk he sends your way causes your insides to do backflips and your stomach to fill with the butterflies you forgot even resided there. “I thought I remembered you coming to my rescue. Y’got a pretty voice, too.” He peels away a bandage to inspect your work, a pleased hum sounding from his throat. Then his voice rises an octave, confusion twisting his features rather adorably. "Wait, you actually know how to stitch folks up?"
"That's what I told you, isn't it?” You clear your throat and begin putting the food away. “Anyway, what do you hum—uh, what do you like to eat?"
He scuffles over to the counter where a dozen or two canned goods rest, as well as some beef jerky you bought from a local butcher. After a long moment of pause: "You got any beans?"
During dinner (if you could call it that), you offer Arthur a glass of liquor to aid in pain reduction, if the permanent scowl on his face is any indication of the severity of discomfort aching his body.
By nightfall, he hobbles back into your bed and reveals a leather-bound journal from the depths of his pack-bound inventory. 
"Are you a writer?" you ask, curiosity almost vibrating your body. 
Ashamedly, you wish to know everything about him.
"Nah, nothing like that. Just journal sometimes."
"What about drawing?"
He shrugs, the alcohol good preparation for pain-free movement. "Doodles here and there." A low chuckle. "Can't draw for shit, actually."
You flash him a smile full of teeth and barely-contained affection. "As long as you enjoy it, that's all that matters."
Arthur grunts at your reply, lips pursed in concentration as the pencil in a large, veiny hand scribbles across the paper.
With some minor coaxing from you, he places the journal to the side and lays back onto the pillows as you work on cleaning and re-dressing his wounds.
"Listen, I'm not good at this kinda thing but… well, thanks for, ya know. Taking care of me and all that. I know we ain't known each other that long, but…" he grunts, more at himself than anything, "ah, it's nothing." 
Another smile widens your lips as you glance at the pretty blush on once-sallow cheeks. You decide you like him best like this. Wonder what it would be like to witness him beneath you, falling apart in pleasure rather than your usual method of pain. 
God, what has gotten into you?
"You can thank me by resting and getting your energy back, okay?" You finish disinfecting the skin, declare that the stitches look to be healing on schedule. "No bandage tonight. Better to let it breathe for now."
He nods and wordlessly returns to his journal, and with one last look at his face, you exit your room for another night on the couch.
— 
Arthur's gone by the time you rouse from a deep sleep. Must have slipped away last night. Goddamn, if you don't miss him already.
He left behind a sketch of… you, caught in a moment of peaceful sleep. And you audibly curse him for not only lying to you about his abilities, but for making you like him even more. 
Nobody had ever drawn you. Ever.
So maybe you are in the center of those romance novels. One in which the lover has no idea that you even lo—
No. No, you don't. You can't. Can't go back to the realm of heartbreak. 
Loving a man you've only known a month? Your mother would be ashamed. But nursing someone back from the brink of death tends to glean emotional attachment, so you'll blame it on that for now. 
You hang the sketch over your fireplace and, throughout a day of nonstop cleaning, find yourself stopping to stare almost forlornly at his art. Perhaps he moved on, skipped town by now. Given his attack and the chance that the perpetrators roam free, you think it best, in the end. 
— 
For the next week, you conceal sorrow with anger. Already swollen with blood, you take your fill and whet the tips of your fangs with countless innocents. But, as before, no matter how much blood touches your tongue, you yearn and hunger for more. Always in search of him.
And the longer you think on this infatuation, the more you grow to understand and appreciate its presence. For you find yourself in human company more often than not. Chatting on roadsides and clinking untouched glasses at the bar, the burning need for companionship intensifies as sure as the need for food during starvation. 
Two weeks pass, and you know a few bar regulars by name. Betty and James, a married couple of twenty years (dating for thirty) who incite equal parts warmth and jealousy in their wake. For they will die knowing love and hope for the afterlife, where they will find each other again and spend eternity happy and fulfilled.
Tonight, as the three of you sit at a table in the corner of the room, you decide to inquire upon the foundation in which their relationship was laid.
"I don't mean to pry, but how has your relationship lasted for almost three decades?"
Betty's eyes wrinkle at the edges as her sunlit smile washes over you. She reminds you of your grandmother. "Jamie hates when I tell all the young'ins this but, there are two things to making a relationship work: honesty and compromise. Can't have one without the other."
"How much honesty?" You grimace at the thought of having to explain to a future lover the extent of your nightly escapades.
"All of it. That's part of being in love. You trust the other person with your whole heart, and give 'em the benefit of the doubt that they won't go spreading your bathroom habits to half the town."
James reaches over to pat Betty's wrinkled hand, constellations in his eyes the moment their gazes meet. "But that's how I found you, ain't it?"
She presses her lips to his cheek, hand resting above his heart. "That you did, old man."
They share a heartfelt laugh and a kiss, and you avert your gaze to a patch of dried alcohol on the table, unsure of whether they mean such a moment for your eyes.
Warm flesh atop the back of your palm causes you to jump, and when you glance across the table you find a set of brown eyes, still owning their sparkle even after years of exhaustion, staring right into the depths of your pain. 
"Listen, Rosie. You got all the time in the world to find the right one. And I know it's scary out there, but when you feel them butterflies and you ain't afraid, you'll know. But don't let that fear you got inside you keep you from experiencing beautiful things. Take a leap of faith every now and again." She rises to her feet with the help of her husband, who fetches her cane before finishing off the last bit of alcohol in his glass. "Oh! And eat your veggies, too. Every time I see you, you look more and more sick."
And with those parting words of encouragement, she leaves, James grasping a handful of her butt as they walk past. 
You've kept your nose between the pages of a new book for the better part of the day in an attempt to stifle the growing cacophony of blood-starved voices that gnaw at the back of your mind. How long since your last feeding? Days, maybe. Weeks, most likely. Greying skin, sunken eyes, the ever-present irritation of your fangs all serve as a reminder that you wither away like the monster from a children's fairytale.
That you will never become human again. 
Maybe Arthur's sudden presence and absence in your life was a tool of sorts. Her ghost's final attempt at granting you some semblance of happiness. But you know, after all this time, that your presence breeds nothing but ill omens and thunderfall. 
A loud knock at the door breaks your gaze away from the paragraph you've read fourteen times yet still fail to comprehend. 
You smell him, all petrichor and pine, and your pupils dilate at the prospect of a meal. 
He can't see you like this.
With a slouch in your step, you trudge over to the door and crack it, wincing at the squeal the hinges make.
"You really should get that thing fixed," he says with a small smile. 
"I apologize, but. You need to leave, Arthur."
He props up an arm on the doorframe while a hand thumbs at his gun belt. "And why's that?"
"Because, I—"
"I remember what happened that night in the alley." That shuts you up. "You killed that man and drank his blood, didn't ya?"
"I…" You swing the door open to allow his form passage into the living room. "Are you here to kill me?"
He collapses onto the couch and releases a weighted sigh, fingers drumming atop both knees. "I thought about it for a while. Thought long and hard. But then," ocean eyes meet your own, and you know your pupils have completely swallowed any color to leave them black as midnight, "I realized that you and me ain't so different. We both murder people. At least you kill to stay alive. I do it for…" he shrugs, "well, I dunno why."
"At least you don't kill innocents."
His eyes narrow, jaw working beneath the start of a beard. "I did, once upon a time. When I had to..." The sentence trails off, yet unsaid words sink heavily to the bottom of your stomach like a dozen large rocks.
To stay alive.
Maybe… maybe this was what you felt each and every time you found yourself in his presence. Solidarity, mutual understanding. The bond of two opposite, yet equally grieving souls.
"I…" Your voice breaks, and sky-high walls crack and tumble to show the soft shell of an aching heart. "Arthur, I'm so lonely."
Gritting teeth choke back sobs that fight their way up your throat, and terror swarms you like a nest of bees, pinning your feet to the spot with sharp stings aimed at your vulnerable chest.
You keep both eyes clenched shut, even through the sounds of boots heavy on worn-wooden floors, even when a warm warm hand touches the skin where shoulder meets neck.
"When was the last time you…?" He doesn't need to finish the sentence for you to know what he means.
"I don't know. The days blur together now."
"You look like death."
That pulls a half-whimper-half-laugh from your throat, and you bite back with, "Because I am."
The hand on your neck falls away, and you hate that you miss the warmth of his skin more than you miss the beat of your own heart, and during the savor of touch you hear the shuffle of fabric. You look up, mouth falling open at the sight of Arthur coatless, rolling up a sleeve to reveal the tanned, muscled skin of a forearm.
"Arthur, what—"
"You saved me, and I ain't a big fan of unpaid debts, so…" He holds out his arm, the pulse of his wrist dangerously close to your cheek, a beautiful blush broken out along cheeks and nose. "Here. Just don't kill me, alright?"
Blackened eyes widen at the offer, at the trust he freely gives like the code to a vault full of gold bars. Only this is much more precious.
"Are you serious?"
"Just hurry and do it before I change my mind."
In an instant, your mouth descends upon his pulse, fangs piercing the soft skin. He hisses, jerks at the sudden intrusion, then groans—so goddamn sinfully—once the telltale bolt of ecstasy shocks his system. You drink him in, droplets falling down your chin, onto the floor that you'll definitely have to clean up later. Maybe with your tongue. For you've never tasted a blood so sweet, so wonderful in all your life. 
The glow returns to your skin, hair retreating from its brittle state, throat sated and smooth as you divulge your fill.
Finally, you pull away with a sigh and wipe the blood from your chin with the back of a hand before licking it up. 
"Here. To stop the bleeding," you gasp, pulling Arthur by the wrist to your bedroom where he sits down and waits for you to collect a thick cloth that you wrap around two pinprick wounds to encourage clotting. "Thank you, Arthur, thank you thank you thank you."
He shoves a hand in his pocket and shifts about on the bed, clears his throat. "Was it, uh… what's it supposed to feel like when someone drinks your blood?"
Your nerves have calmed, head cleared, energy renewed. And you think upon his inquiry for a moment before heat rises to your cheeks and your head dips down to shield your eyes from his gaze. Shit. You forgot that part. "Well, the way it was explained to me was like this: vampires have developed a… concoction in our fangs, kind of like a snake with its venom. It has an aphrodisiac and an anticoagulant to stop the blood from clotting. But sometimes, if you aren't already connected with that person, the aphrodisiac can't do its job so you feel this awful pain, almost like you're burning alive. And if you are connected in some way, then it feels…" You meet his eyes then, watch as he hypnotically licks pillowy lips, "euphoric. That's why a common method of drinking blood is while the vampire and victim are having sex."
"... Oh."
"Yeah. So, if it felt nice, then it was supposed to." You heave a sigh and unwrap the cloth from around his arm. "Anyway, you've stopped bleeding now, so as long as you aren't feeling faint, you can go back home."
He sits there for a minute, hands drumming on his thighs, before he stands and stumbles, and you reach out with an arm grip on the back of his shirt before he can face plant into the dresser.
You help lower him to the floor and he groans, leans his head back onto the bed. "Yeah, I think I might need a minute."
"You know you're welcome to stay the night." At his curious glance, you shake your head. "Not what you're thinking. Just to sleep."
And sleep he does.
— 
A few weeks pass, and upon Arthur's insistence, you set a schedule in place to both keep you fed and leave innocents alone. Every Sunday (if not busy), he stops by and allows you free access to his very own blood stash. Says he likes the feeling it gives him. Like being drunk, but without the awful hangover and a million times more pleasant. 
You can't say you don't agree.
Since finding a solid, quality blood source, your physical and mental states have never been better. Whether it's his blood type, the taste, or your personal connection with him, you don't know. Best not to look a gift horse in the mouth.
Of course, you help him, too, and find your home busy with not only Arthur, but all new people—his friends, apparently—to stitch up at all hours of the night.
On a usual Sunday, Arthur comes to visit. Only this time, he carries a bouquet of hand-picked flowers in hand and shoves them at you once you open the door. 
"It looks real bland in here, and I thought this would be a good gift to say thanks." He stammers, "From me and the others, I mean."
You take the collection of wildflowers with a wide, gummy smile, bring the petals to tickle at your nose. "They smell nice." You look up from inspecting them and chuckle when he averts lidded eyes. "Nobody has ever picked flowers for me before. I'll do my best to ensure they don't die."
Stepping aside, you swing the door open, both of you chortling at the sharp chorus of squeaks.
"Remind me to fix that for next time."
Next time. 
Only Arthur could make your still heart flutter like a lovesick teen. 
He makes his way to the bedroom, wholly familiar with the layout of your home, and takes a seat on the predetermined chair out from a desk covered in knick-knacks and pictures. Sheds a brand new jacket to throw onto the bed.
You pull up your own, scooting into the space between his spread knees, and stop at the look on his face. Serene, curious, eyes roaming over the curve of your lips, down the slope of your throat. You swear you see the thoughts churning inside of his head.
"Something on your mind?"
He gestures with a nod to his right arm, the one which has sustained all of your bites. "It's uh, a little sore today. Maybe we could try a different place."
You gulp, vision training on the pulse point of his throat. He's lying, you realize. The bites take only a few days to fully heal, and never leave marks behind. But why would he possess reason to?
"We could try your neck, if you'd like."
He nods, something dark and delicious swirling in those eyes you love so dearly. "Sure. Is my shirt in the way?"
Not at all. You easily witness the smooth skin of his throat pulse around a swallow. But… "The first few buttons would make it easier."
"Sure."
You've seen him shirtless before, so the small expanse of chest unveiled shouldn’t raise any brows. Yet this situation—the prospect of tasting his skin on your tongue—leaves little propriety or professionalism. Maybe he senses it, too.
With both hands pressed to the tops of his thighs, you lean forward out of your chair, honing in on the rush of blood through his veins that calls to you like siren song. 
He tilts his neck to the side and your lips touch his skin. And you swallow down a moan as you press an open-mouthed kiss to the area.
He shudders, winds a strong hand around your wrist. "Sorry. You're cold."
Arthur tastes… alive. You find yourself unsatisfied with just one swipe of your tongue, and open your mouth for another, the stolen plasma coursing through your system beating impossibly loud in your ears. Fangs extend from their hiding place, hungry, seeking out the perfect place to sink before—
Your mouth latches onto his neck, sucks an impossibly large bruise into the skin as capillaries struggle then burst under the weight of your pull. An iron arm wraps firm and insistent around your waist, tugs you into his lap, and you mewl at the scorching heat and hardness just beneath the material of his jeans.
Oh. Oh. 
After a long moment, your fangs retract, as does the chill of bloodied lips, and you lick the expanse of his neck to clean him of every drop.
"Forgive me for being so forward, but you are the most delicious human I've ever tasted in all my years."
Overwhelming hunger breaks the surface yet again, and you reel back to keep from biting into him and draining him of all essence you can’t afford to take.
Beneath the vision you used to find comfort and ease in, his body glows impossibly bright, red exploding into constellations that map every single drop of blood in his body. 
Also where most of the blood flows, to settle between his legs. 
Shit. No. No no no no!
“Arthur, you need to leave.” You toss your head back and forth and press the heels of your palms hard against clenched-shut eyes. “Or I do. Yes, I—I will. I’m so sorry. Sorry sorry—”
You flee the safety of your home in nothing more than a nightgown, mud squishing between toes as flighty feet carry your body to the outskirts of a nearby marsh.
You’ll stay here ‘til the break of dawn, at which point you hope he’s deserted the cobweb cavern of your heart and house. And then, maybe, hopefully, you’ll finally find the courage to flee this goddamn town once and for all.
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malecstele · 5 years
Note
3x22 jimon friends to lovers where sizzy broke up in that year we skipped and simon frequently visits jace to show him some support, have someone to cry on, or to talk to can you make it after their training where jace talks abt clary? simon HUGS (!!! i wish it also happened on screen :c ) jace and tells him its ok to miss her but she'd want him to try and be happy now jace wants a change of scenery so they go to simon's at his invitation and they deepen the discussion 1/?
2/4 about how they both miss her and it was unfair of raziel to take her memories when she only ever helped people to make him smile, simon also tells him abt happy climon memories and he kinda accidentally makes it awkward when he subconsciously begins to talk abt crushing on her & how he got over his crush, which both know abt, and how "she is still here" and touches his heart like the goof he is then jace admits no one ever "broke up" w/ him, only he did that
3/4 so he doesnt know how to get over clary and maybe consider other romantic prospects simon feels bad but he know he'll have exploded if he continued keeping his crush on jace a secret and jace is like "oh..." then long awkward silence simon tells him when the crush started and that perhaps it wouldnt be so horrible if they dated since they're clary's fav ppl then jace confesses he also liked simon a LIL bit
4/4 but he was confused about how we should feel abt simon in contrast to missing and "grieving" clary then simon tells him its nice that they both feel the same but that its ok if they dont rush into anything jace looks so impassive & simon has no idea what he'll say then jace says, in an awful simon voice, "do you want to be the leia to my han solo?"  simon bursts out laughing but then they argue abt who's who in the end they arrange to meet at simon's for a home-date
Thank you! I don’t normally write anything but Malec so this was a nice challenge (:
“She’d want you to move on. To find someone else,” Simon told him. He could see how much Jace was hurting. 
“There is no one else.”
Simon could feel his heart breaking for him, he was so convinced that Clary was the one for him. Although they were good while they lasted, Simon knew better. He reached over and hugged Jace, silently expecting him to push him away. However, Jace hugged him back. 
“You have to let her be, Jace. You have to,” he breathed.
Jace was silent before he replied, “I know. It just hurts.”
“It’s okay to miss her. I miss her too. Obviously in a different way!” he quickly adds. “But she would want you to be happy, even if that means you’re not together.”
Jace pulled away, “I just need to get out of here. I need some fresh air, or a change or scenery.”
“We can go to my place, it’s quiet and you can have some time to yourself if you need it.”
Jace smiled slightly, “Thanks, Simon.”
As they walked over to Simon’s apartment, Simon couldn’t help but feel a little nervous flutter in his stomach. The circumstances weren’t right, and Jace was so caught up on Clary that it was impossible that he would ever even consider liking Simon. Simon didn’t even have a clue if Jace even like guys or not! 
Simon took a deep breath before saying, “Sometimes I see things that I know she would like and so badly want to bring them to her but then I remember that I can’t.”
“It was so unfair of the angel Raziel to take away her memories like he did. It’s not her fault that she used the gift they gave her in the first place. They should have thought of what she could do before they gave it to her. It’s their fault.”
“Yeah...the angels kinda seem like dicks,” Simon smiled. “All she ever did was try to help others. She was great. That’s why I was in love with her. When you’re with her, you just know that she cares about you and would do anything for you. I remember when we were kids and we snuck out at night to watch the stars. It was her idea, but I ended up slipping and hurting my leg. She ran all the way back home and told her mom everything and took all the blame. She’s always been great. Even after we broke up, I was worried that things would be different between us. But, they weren’t and she treated me the same way before we got together. Even when my feelings for her started to fade away, I still loved her.” Crap, Simon thought. I’m fangirling over Jace’s ex-girlfriend! 
“Sorry, that was awkward. I hope you know that I don’t have any feelings for her and haven’t in awhile.”
“I know, Simon, don’t worry about it.” Jace waved his hand. 
“Sometimes when I miss her, I like to think that she’s still with us.” Simon put his hand on his heart, tapping his fingers against his chest.
Jace snorted, “Nice, Simon. You know, I think what gets me the most is that I’ve never actually been broken up with. It’s always been the other way around. I just don’t know how I should feel about it. Sometimes I think about moving on to someone else but then I think of what could have been with Clary and if she didn’t go away…”
Simon nervously clasped his hands together. This was such bad timing. What is it with him and bad timing? Why couldn’t he just be indifferent? Why did he have to feel like he was going to explode if he kept his secret any longer? “Well, um, I know that there is someone that would be interested in going out with you...if you were okay with it.”
Jace raised an eyebrow. “Really, who?”
Simon opened his mouth and closed it. He thought that that was obvious! How could Jace still be so oblivious? 
Jace’s eyes widened in realization. “Oh,” he said. 
The silence that followed him was unbearable. Simon knew that he screwed up. He should have just kept his mouth closed. Now his friendship with Jace is ruined. 
Growing more uncomfortable, Simon blurts out, “I’ve liked you for a few months now. When we started to actually get to know each other and not just through Izzy or Clary. I knew that you were a good guy but I didn’t realize that you were a good guy until we became friends. I’m sorry that I made things awkward.”
“It’s fine, Simon. Don’t stress about it.”
“I mean, it wouldn’t be such a bad idea if we were to...you know. We are Clary’s two most favorite people and I think that she would be happy.”
Simon studied Jace for a reaction. He was surprised to see him smile a little bit. “I would be lying if I didn’t tell you that the thought hasn’t crossed my mind before.”
“Wait, what?”
“I kinda like you, only a little bit. But I wasn’t sure if I was just, like, rebounding my feelings for Clary onto her best friend.”
“Well, we don’t have to rush things. We have time. To be honest, it’s nice knowing that you feel the same way.”
Jace didn’t reply. It made Simon’s stomach drop. Did he say something wrong?
Jace looked at him and said in a mocking voice, “Would you like to be the Leia to my Han Solo?”
Simon couldn’t help but laugh at the terrible imitation. “You’ve actually seen them!” he cried out excitedly. “Like legitmately seen them?”
“I mean, yeah. I’m not totally clueless when it comes to mundane culture.”
“Oh my god! That’s great. We should watch them together! Also, if we’re going to be together, you’re going to have to work on your imitation of me.”
Jace chuckled, “I’ll work on it.”
“The real question is...who’s who? Solo or Leia?”
“I’m totally Solo,” Jace replied like it was the most obvious thing ever.
Simon shook his head, “Really? I don’t think so.”
Jace scoffed, “You think you’re Solo? You’ve needed more saving than I have!” 
“Maybe, but I him in every single other way.”
“In your dreams!”
 “You want to have a marathon of Star Wars movies? At my apartment this weekend? Then I’ll prove to you that I’m Solo.”
Jace grinned, “I’d like that.”
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notmuchofarolemodel · 4 years
Text
It's 4 a.m
I'm still awake
Thinking of all the
shit
I've done
I've been told to meditate
ican'tican'tican't
it's called 'loving kindness'
the practice.
I was supposed to start by saying kind things to myself
but it became clear that I couldn't do that
either.
I tried sending love to other people.
but I couldn't decide who
so many people deserve
more
Than I've given them.
does laying
out
these words
d
i
f make me cool? quirky?
f I'm a shallow self-absorbed kid.
e
r i play ukulele ffs
e
n
t
l
y
I HATE PEOPLE
i hate me
i read three books today. people think im so clever. they're dissapointed when they find out the truth
SMART PEOPLE SLEEP DAMNIT
i have two running commanteries
in my brain
One is where The other is a web
It's like I'm of confusion but
Being constantly. blindingly clear
Watched or Thoughts.
Interviewed
.
noise
Is it better to have no noise?
when i put the headphones on, i hear nothing. Is it nice? no. my head is echoing. Ah, early morning paranoia. WHO'S CALLING MY NAME? I rip them off. No noise. My clock ticks.
I breathe. Something Hits my window. (under no circumstances look up) but the space between the noise is
a g o n i z i n g l y SILENT.
I don't listen for the noise that could shatter the void. but they're invading my ears like caterpillars, if they liked inhabiting ears. someone's downstairs. Footsteps. They're going to kill us all. "WHO'S THERE?!" I scream. silently. nobody. I'm crazy.
I try to block out the thoughts, and memories of what I've said to hurt people.
OK WHY AREN'T I TIRED?
I'm too tired to get up
though. Not uncommon. still.
I CAN'T SLEEP
I wish I could write songs.
but I can only do whatever the hell these are.
you know when the teacher falls silent and you know you're in trouble? I hate that.
I hate answering teacher questions
I hate being scared
I DON'T LIKE VERY MUCH NOWADAYS
I have to do the things I hate though
mY hoMeWoRK lOOmS in front of me. like something stuck in a door hinge. I can't shut the damn door on it and enjoy myself.
because i 'NEED' to do the stupid stuff(not what a need is defined as in business studies) but I don't.
hypocrite
adj. (1)/ me
i dislike people
I'm not unhinged but I'm desperate for someone to view me as normal
c a n' t y o u s e e
I act like this as a defense?
If the weirdo does something weird it's because she's weird so it's not questioned, but if other people do the same thing, they're judged ad ridiculed and pitied and Hurt and i don't want that
how can I so crave attention from other people but want to be left alone at the same time?
I don't want to sleep
I don't like the
lying sTILL LIKE a log
thing. Too much thinking.
I can't channel them into anything
When I was little I loved dressing up girly and fixing things. Pretending to build bookshelves with my plastic power tools. building bookshelves with my dad. I'm not asked to help with that stuff anymore. then I'm called lazy? I wonder why?? Hypocrites. I wonder where I get it from.
I gained like [lots of] kilos in a year. Yes growing, and yes hips and shit, yes I was really skinny but still
f a t t y ✓
hm. I need a shower.
It's 5:05 a.m
my parents think I don't get enough sleep anyway. shit.
Last time this happened, they didn't believe me so it's fine.
I'm a tad dizzy.
bystander
The world is too awake
For me to sleep
but yet I can only watch it go by.
the moon. How bright
For a ball of cheese.
C O M E D Y
lockdown is more busy than non lockdown
I feel numb
Indifferent
numb
OW. I dislike emotions.
huh.
I wish people would stop commenting.
"you're eating too loud"
*Insert laugh here*
"stupid"
*pitying look*
ok maybe it's not just comments.
the little ones hurt the most
when they didn't expect you to care about something stupid. About you.
I really wanted this jumper (profile pic) but they're sold out and were limited edition. FB said there was one left.
This started as a poem thing.
funny.
My pencil is running out.
I wrote it originally in watercolor pencil.
A bit of water and "all gone"
they were my first words .
my logical thought takes over and tells me my irrational thoughts are stupid. And me. I can't tell them apart anymore.
h
P i L os OPHY
gotta make it into a joke as per usual
hehe I'm nocturnal. ♪
WOULDIWAS SHOOKSPEARED
i want my phone back now. It's 7 minutes past 5:05 a.m. I'm sick of thinking.
I need a haircut
I don't like acting anymore because I dislike thinking about my emotions and acting is trying to harness these emotions that I've got locked away
[NOTE: my organs could implode somehow for some reason somehow]
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
Emotion layered leftovers
1+2 constantly refreshed, not deep, happy sad angry etc.
They're the ones ppl see
3. Stuff. If I trust u, u get this mess
4. Lol idk
5+6 stagnant sad shit. Fermenting.
Haha my therapist would like my emotion kombucha. Yum. I'd like a therapist. Y O M
I'M DONE WRITING NOW
〜(꒪꒳꒪)〜
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