#but instead of my abuser its my bf <3

[notiddygxthgf]

10. don't look back

★ pairings: plug!wakasa imaushi x f!reader

★ synopsis: the one where you have the hots for your dealer, and Wakasa is always eager to please a customer. (don't let your bf stop you from finding ur hubby)

★ content warning: smut, angst, lotta porn w a lotta plot, car sex, dealer wakasa, cheating, oral sex, sneaky link, vaginal sex, vaginal fingering, sex while high, consensual drug use, mentions of abuse, unprotected sex, so much more...

★ a/n: so so so sorry for leaving yall on a cliffhanger like that ughhh!! momma loves u all. anyway not much to say about this one, so enjoy! hope yall brought tissues <3

★ w.c.; 7.1k

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CONFUSION DISTORTED YOUR FACE. Your heart skipped another beat, and then another. The warmth of the room seemed to dissipate, leaving a chilling silence in its wake.  The symphony of anticipation within your chest faltered, eyes widening as they scanned the messages on the screen – your phone.  

Shit, you thought. Shit, Shit, Shit… you had been foolish enough to leave your phone behind in a drunken haze. 

“What? What the hell are you talking about?” You murmured softly, your voice betraying your confusion. 

“You’re full of shit,” he chuckled humorlessly. His eyes met yours and they were dark, emotionless. “Waka? Of all fucking people, too?”

His voice sent shivers up your spine. It didn’t make any sense; you had done everything right… so, why now? Your eyes fell to the cigar in his hand, white at the tip from the ash. You swallowed the lump in your throat and said, “Babe, I don’t even know–”

“Don’t call me that,” He retorted rather bluntly. “Don’t play dumb with me, girl.”

“I’m not playing dumb,” You answered. 

“We both saw those fucking messages,” He spat, taking another hit of his cigar before he tapped it into the ashtray. “Least you could do is tell the truth.”

“It’s out of context,” you hissed, in some feeble attempt at getting him to believe you. “It’s not what it looks like, I–”

“WHAT IS IT, THEN?” Takeomi slammed his fist on the table. You jumped at the sound, face burning a bit with the heat of your embarrassment. You wanted to say something, but it appeared as if all coherent thought had successfully left your body. Your mouth was glued shut.

Takeomi shook his head with a sigh, rising from the loveseat in a manner that had you backing away from him. You knew what he was capable of doing to you. Given that the two of you were alone right now, you prepared for the worst. Takeomi had you cornered.

“Cat got your tongue? Shame,” he tutted. Towering over your trembling body, he pulled a hit from his cigar, blowing the bitter smoke out against your face. His eyes were dull, glazed with liquor and anger. Still, you knew it meant nothing good. “Bet you were real loud for him, weren’t ‘ya?”

You froze, paralyzed, like prey being hunted by a predator. Your heart hammered against your ribcage like it wanted to break free. “Takeomi, I…” you swallowed, reaching toward him with a trembling hand. “I know this seems cliche, but I promise, I can explain–”

In the blink of an eye, Takeomi had braced a hand on your chest, shoving you backward into the coffee table. The force of the push sent you flying into it, glass tabletop shattering as ceramic vases tumbled onto the floor. You gasped, clutching your back.

Takeomi flicked his cigar onto the carpet, stomping it out with his shoe. “Listen,” he began, “I’m only g’nna ask you one time, babe. You’ll answer honestly if you know what’s good for you.” 

The leather of his shoes crackled as he squatted down to your level. The world was beginning to spin, but the image of his stoic expression glaring down at you was one you would remember forever. He reeked of booze and nicotine, brows drawn low over his stormy grey eyes, black hair falling into his red-tinted face. “Did you cheat on me with my fucking coworker?”

You raised your head in an effort to look at him. Eyes rolling back, you stared up at the ceiling instead. Your mouth felt very dry all of a sudden.

“Say it,” He spat, voice cracking slightly beneath the pressure of his emotions. He was closer to you now than before, face hovering only a foot or two above yours. His eyes were a boiling cesspool of anger and hate. “He’s already on his way here. One of you’s gonna ‘fess up.”

Wakasa was coming. The thought of him being there brought a sense of relief over you, one that was quickly replaced by the realization that he would be walking right into a trap.

He’s already on his way here.

“Take…” you muttered weakly. A groan left your lips the moment you attempted to look him in the eyes. “Please.”

“Tch,” he sucked his teeth. Rather than helping you up or apologizing for shoving you, he dusted his hands off onto his briefs, standing up and then turning away from you. The light caught the arch of his nose as he turned toward the knock that sounded at the front door. 

“Just in time,” he remarked. You tried to crawl to your feet, keep him away from that door, but you felt too weak to move. Takeomi stepped right over you, anyway. It didn’t take him long to open it.

“ Sorry I’m late.” 

If you had ears like a dog, they would have perked up at the sound of his voice, his song. That low, casual croon that made your heart warm even though you knew it wasn’t right. Your gaze remained on the ceiling, world blurring a bit around the corners. I must have hit my head pretty hard,you thought, rubbing your temples in vain as if that would help ease the slow throb.

“Come in, please,” Your boyfriend replied, allowing Waka to enter his space with such faux generosity that you felt yourself turn toward the sound of his voice in an effort to watch the interaction.

Wakasa was upside down from where you were laying, clad in a black leather jacket and some blue jeans. He scanned the interior of his coworker’s apartment, lavender hues flitting over the living room. He paled visibly when he saw you laying there.

Takeomi shut the door behind the two of them, allowing Waka to process everything that had unfolded before his eyes in such a short period of time. When a minute or so had passed, he clapped a hand over Waka’s shoulder. 

“Waka, you’ve met my girlfriend, right?” Takeomi mused. 

Wakasa’s mask seemed to slip – if only for a brief moment. Still, as always, he managed to play it cool. “Yeah,” he muttered, licking his lips. “Am I interrupting somethin’?”

You gazed back at him, hoping your eyes relayed the message. Run. Run before it’s too late.

“I got a call from her neighbor, says she had a bike parked in front of her house this morning,” Takeomi continued anyway. He stepped around Waka, folding his arms behind his back. “I don’t have a bike.”

Wakasa furrowed his brows, tilting his head. He amazed you, still, with his innate ability to keep that poker face in even the most perilous of situations. “Okay…” he trailed off. The confusion seemed genuine. He had you fooled for a moment. “Where are you going with this?”

The grin on your boyfriend’s face was anything but welcoming. He shook his head and then looked at Waka like he had every intention to kill him. “You fucking my bitch, man?”

You felt your heart plummet. This was it, you thought. Waka was going to fess up to it. This little illusion the two of you had was about to come crashing down. The glass beneath your wounded arm shifted as you tried to get to your feet.

To your surprise, Wakasa didn’t even flinch at his words, instead drawing up a brow and sparing a brief glance your way. He looked at Takeomi as if to say, Really?

You had to admit, the act was convincing.

Poking the inside of his cheek with his tongue, Takeomi nodded. “Figured you’d try ‘n lie your way out of this,” he muttered. His words were a bit slurred together, stumbling drunkenly for a moment as he reached into the interior pocket of his coat. The object he produced was shiny and silver, glinting beneath the lamplight as he turned it toward his coworker.

With wide eyes, you gasped, clawing at the floor. 

“You bet’ta fess up, Imaushi, ‘M not fuckin’ playing,” He slurred. The veins in his hand popped, fingers tensed around the grip of his gun.

“Take,” Wakasa sighed, still remarkably calm considering he had a gun aimed at his head. You knew it was all an act, of course, but you had to give credit where it was due. Even if the timing wasn’t necessarily appropriate. “You’re drunk. Put the gun down.”

“How long has this been goin’ on behind – hic – my back?” Takeomi pressed further.

“I’m not fuckin ‘yer girl, man,” Wakasa shook his head. “The hell are you on about?”

Takeomi held a finger up to the shorter man, shoving his hand back into his pocket and rummaging around until he found your phone. He fiddled around with it for a bit and then turned the screen over.

The room went quiet in an instant, tension pending in the air as Wakasa squinted at the tiny screen. You found yourself doing the same. Bracing your hands on the glass-speckled floor, you stumbled to your feet.

“Say hi to the camera, baby.”

With a gasp, you covered your mouth. The tips of your ears turned red. Shit. He found the video.

“Taking it so well…”

“Waka–!”

“We– hic– well?” Takeomi grumbled. If he didn’t have a gun pointed at Wakasa, you probably would have laughed at the way he stumbled forward. “That’s not you?”

Wakasa quirked a brow, leaning in to get a closer look. The corner of his lip twitched as he licked it. His eyes darted between the phone in Takeomi’s hand – the screen where you knew your vulva was spread open on display for a live studio audience – and the gun. 

The sound of your own voice nearly brought you to hysterics. You were mortified.

Finally, he sighed. “I mean, shit, man,” he offered after a lengthy pause. “That’s some pretty solid evidence there, I don’t know what you want me to say.”

Takeomi’s eyes locked with yours in a dance of torment and love mingled with betrayal, hatred clashing with the shattered fragments of trust. The tears that had begun pooling in your eyes earlier streamed down your tender cheeks as you pleaded with him silently. 

He turned the barrel of the gun towards you, and for a moment – a brief, fleeting moment – you saw Wakasa’s mask break, eyes widening as he watched it happen. 

“Six years,” Takeomi reiterated, stepping away from Wakasa and inching closer to you. 

Your efforts to back away from him were ultimately in vain, you realized the moment you felt your back collide with the wall. Takeomi had you cornered – again – as he waved the gun in your direction. 

“Take, please…” You pleaded with him, face stained with tear marks. Your voice trembled beneath the weight of his unspoken threat. “I–”

“SIX FUCKING YEARS,” He shouted, the force of his voice causing you to jump. The anger seemed to be gnawing at him on the inside, anguish and hatred waging war within him, a tempest of conflicting emotions threatening to put an end to this once and for all. He appeared to stand before you on the precipice of a decision, torn between the love that had once bound the two of you and the searing pain of betrayal. His voice broke, “Was it not enough for you?”

You hadn’t realized he had backed you up against the wall until you felt the chill from the metal barrel press against your neck. His other arm kept you pinned in place. 

His eyes were wild, watering a bit as he looked at you for a moment. He cocked his gun, though the quiet click seemed to be amplified tenfold. His hair fell into his face. “I want answers,” he whispered.

“Take, put the fucking gun down!” Wakasa shouted somewhere behind him. He seemed closer than he was before, like he had inched closer to your manic boyfriend, although you weren’t about to crane your neck around to find out.

Takeomi’s bloodshot eyes flickered with a mix of confusion and rage, a fire surging with him that was fueled by the alcohol coursing through his veins.

Then his finger tightened around the trigger.

Wakasa lunged forward, tatted arm appearing in your field of vision as he reached to grab Takeomi’s wrist. 

Your breath caught in your throat as the scene unfolded before you. You held your breath. The seconds seemed to tick away, each one passing slowly as Waka bravely reached for the gun. You held your breath.

With a sudden surge of determination, like your tears had spurred him on, Waka managed to pry the gun from Takeomi’s trembling hand. The weapon clattered as it hit the ground. 

In the deafening silence that followed, Wakasa tucked a blond stray behind his ear, sending the gun sliding away from the scene with a small kick. 

Before the relief had even settled in, Takeomi turned on his heel and lunged at Wakasa with a wild swing. His alcohol-addled coordination betrayed him, however, as he tripped over his own feet – missing by an inch or two as he fell over the backside of the couch.

Your heart pounded in your chest as you watched him tumble over the edge.

Wakasa’s head turned quickly as he called out to you. “I’m parked outside,” he hissed. “Go, now.”

He pulled a wireless key fob out of his pocket – you could see the silver detailing of the BMW logo glint beneath the dim living room lighting as he tossed it to you. 

“Wait, Waka–” You breathed, voice a hushed whisper. Still, you caught it.

“Get in the fucking car, NOW,” He commanded you. One look into his wide eyes reminded you that he wasn’t asking.

At that moment, your heart seemed to stop beating altogether. The room seemed to shrink around you. Without a second thought, you pushed yourself off of the wall and made a beeline for the door. The adrenaline surged through your veins, pushing you past your limit, pushing you towards freedom while your legs threatened to give.

You could still hear Wakasa’s voice echoing in the back of your mind, urging you to run while you had a chance. The urgency in his tone fueled you further and further, drowning out the chaos behind you. It wasn’t until you reached the door that you paused to glance back over your shoulder.

“You leave now and we’re fucking done,” Takeomi warned you. He had braced himself on his elbows.

Wakasa was stepping over the sideways couch, hair down over his back and covering his face with a hair tie stretched open on his fingers. He scooped a few handfuls of hair up behind his head. His wrists twisted with expert precision as he tied it back. His neck cracked with a quick crane of his head to the right.

Sensing what was about to go down, you turned away, throwing the door open and making your escape. You let the door shut behind you, stepping out into the cool night air. Your chest heaved for a moment.

You pressed your ear against the door, tears streaming down your cheeks as your emotions enveloped you. You felt horrible leaving Waka to fend for himself, but you would have felt worse if you went against his word.

So, pulling your clothes tight against your trembling body, you ducked and entered the street. The midnight sky blanketed Waka’s black Mercedes. It looked like it had recently been polished. 

You unlocked the door and plopped into the passenger seat. The moment you shut the door, the tears came pouring out. Your hand continued to grip the handle of the door with white-knuckled intensity. The air inside of the car felt all but suffocating, as if the weight of your actions hung from each and every molecule around you. Panic gripped you, tightening its hold with each rapid beat of your frightened heart.

Teary eyes blurred your vision. Your lover’s words echoed – again, for the millionth time – in your mind. 

“Get in the fucking car, NOW.”

He’d sounded so angered, so tired of you. How had everything unraveled so quickly?

The sound of your own uneven breathing was the only thing keeping you company in the car, ragged breaths fogging up the window to your right. Tossing the key fob into the cupholder, you turned towards that foggy window, pressing your hot cheek against its cold surface. The chill was refreshing, even if a part of you felt bad for leaving prints on Waka’s freshly cleaned windows.

You didn’t care. Your mind was alight with possibilities – with fear and uncertainty. Where would you go? What would happen to you now that the cat was out of the bag? 

Clutching at your throat, you ached for air, desperate for a moment of clarity. But the walls of Waka’s Benz seemed to close in on you. Images of the fight flashed through your mind. The reality of your actions crashed upon the desolate shores of your rotten mind like a tidal wave, overwhelming your senses and drowning you in a sea of guilt. You couldn’t escape the consequences of your betrayal, the pain that had been etched on Takeomi’s face forever imprinted in your mind.

You felt terrible.

A sob wrenched itself from the depths of your soul. Then another. 

The world was hazy, disorienting, as if reality had been warped by the weight of your guilt. For a few minutes, you sat there, mind spinning a mile a minute. You wrapped your arms around yourself, seeking temporary solace in the touch of your own skin. 

When the driver’s side door suddenly popped open, you jumped in your seat. You made quick work of your salty tears, wiping them away from your face while you tried to make yourself look somewhat presentable.

Waka dropped into the driver's seat with an exasperated sigh. Though your eyes trained themselves on the dashboard, you could see him reach for the steering wheel out of the corner of your eye. He looked a little messy. His clothes were disheveled, his hair was in a similar state. His knuckles were dusted with a faint red hue.

After a brief pause that seemed to span for an eternity, he offered, “Buckle in.”

You did exactly that.

The car revved to life. The buttons on the dash lit up in unison. Waka gripped the steering wheel, throwing his other arm over the back of your seat and glancing behind him before turning back to the road. He pulled out of the parking spot without another word.

And then he took off.

★

The ride to your house was as silent as it was tense. It wasn’t very long, seeing as you only lived ten minutes away. That ten was more like five today, though you weren’t sure if it was because a part of you wanted to stay in this car with Waka just a little while longer or because Waka had been doing double the speed limit the whole way over.

The car rolled to a stop in front of your place, and that dreadful, gnawing feeling in your gut had returned, bringing the tension in the car back with it. You folded your hands neatly in your lap, awaiting Waka’s next words.

You were expecting him to shout at you, to lash out at you like an angry father. Like your father, like your boyfriend (ex boyfriend?).

You hadn’t been expecting him to turn the car off, and you most certainly hadn’t expected him to cast a sorrowful glance your way, brows drawn low over his pretty eyes. 

“Sorry I yelled at ‘ya,” he sighed.  What surprised you even more was the way he reached out to graze a gentle hand over your cheek, tucking your hair behind your ear. He added, “Take’s fuckin’ crazy. I didn’t want him hurtin’ you.”

It was becoming a bit of a chore to continue breathing normally when he was so close to you. You needed to leave now before you dug yourself a deeper hole, you decided, reaching for the door.

Waka beat you to it. In the blink of an eye, he’d reached over your lap and pulled the door shut. He kept you pinned to the seat with his arm. 

“Fuck you,” you seethed. You were frustrated, you were confused – before you knew it, you began to cry. 

“I just wanna talk,” He reaffirmed. His words did nothing to calm your nerves.

Your hands trembled as you struggled to find the words to convey how you felt. The car seemed a lot smaller than it had been only moments prior. You took a deep breath, voice quivering beneath the weight of her accusation.

“You ruined everything,” You sobbed, voice barely a notch above a whisper, eyes now locked with Waka’s in a heated standoff. The pain etched on your features made your jaw tighten.

None of this would have happened if you'd never met him. 

Waka’s expression was unreadable, a tick in his jaw was the only indicator that your words had hit the mark. “Yeah, it’s all my fault, ‘course it is,” he retorted, voice tinged with an uncharacteristically bitter tone. “Not like you willingly invited me into your room or anythin’.”

Your eyes narrowed, gaze challenging his stance even though you knew he was right. “You gave me your number first… you knew I had a boyfriend, you dick.”

Waka’s expression changed slightly, allowing you a glimpse into what you imagined was a pretty deep pool of anger. “You texted me, doll.”

He was right. Again. The realization made you break a bit inside.

Your voice quivered with unspoken emotion as you let the tears fall freely. “You’re such an ass, you know that? Why’d you have to come around and fuck me over?”

“Oh, don’t even,” he snapped back. “I risked it all for you. I did everything I could, and ‘yer gonna sit here and blame me?”

The silence that followed was heavy, settling between the both of you like a brick wall as the both of you exchanged angry gazes. The tension in the car built up.

“I never wanted it to come to this,” You spoke louder this time, heartbroken and vulnerable. “You took everything from me.”

“Don’t pretend this wasn’t a mutual decision,” He shook his head at you, chuckling humorlessly. “You are every bit as guilty ‘s I am and you know it.”

You froze. He continued.

“Deep down you know you wanted me to keep coming ‘round,” he added rather cockily. He cocked his head to the right, beckoning you to try and prove him wrong. “You loved it, didn’t ‘ya?”

Another brief pause had passed, and your anger had reached its boiling point. Without thinking, you raised your hand, bringing it towards the side of his face like you wanted to hit him. But Waka – quick on his feet, as always – reflexively caught your hand mid-swing, preventing the slap from landing.

Time seemed to freeze altogether.

Your eyes widened, hand suspended in the air a mere inch or two away from Waka’s face. His grip on your hand was firm, strong, a harsh reminder of a fact you had apparently forgotten; You didn’t stand a chance against him.

The two of you fell into an uneasy silence as you locked eyes, the intensity of the moment palpable.

Waka’s voice was steady, his grip unyielding. He looked – for a moment – as if he wanted to say something to you, remind you of who you were talking to. Before long, however, his anger softened, as did his gaze.

“I’m not sorry for what I did,” he mused. His eyes never flitted away from yours, even for a moment, even as he pulled you closer to him. “Even if I could go back ‘n change the past, I would still pick you. Every time.”

His breath was soft, mint-scented, and fresh. You felt your resolve crack. You wanted to scream at him, to throw your arms around his neck and kiss him until your lungs gave out. You hated the way he made you feel.

The car was filled with a heavy silence as your tears streamed down your reddened cheeks. Your heart squeezing painfully, you reached out, hand weakly forming a fist, and feebly punched Wakasa’s chest.

“I hate you,” You whispered, knowing you didn’t mean a word of it.

Waka’s eyes filled with sorrow as he caught your fist, gently holding it against his chest. You could feel his heart beating in synchrony with yours. A moment passed, agonizingly slow, and he pulled you into a tight embrace, a bittersweet collision of love and resentment.

Then, to your surprise, he did the unthinkable.

“Let’s stop seeing each other,” his honey-sweet croon pierced through the silence, his tone resolute.

Your eyes widened in disbelief. Shoving yourself away from him, you shot him an incredulous look. The road ahead seemed to blur as you tried to wrap your head around his proposition. 

“What…?” You had asked in vain. 

The confined space of the car seemed to amplify the tension. The world outside seemed to stop spinning for a moment. This was the same car where he’d first swept you off your feet so many nights ago. Now, like some sort of cruel joke, the image before you paralleled the memory. His unexpected words hung heavy in the air.

He wasn’t looking at you anymore. In fact, he looked a little down about it, like he was having doubts of his own about the decision. 

“I never should’da gotten you involved in all of this mess… I can fend for myself with him but… I know you can’t,” He said remorsefully. He seemed… genuine. When his eyes met yours, it was as if you had fallen for him a second time. “It’s too dangerous. We need to stop seein’ each other.”

In the span of a minute, Wakasa had managed to tear your heart right out of your chest.

“No…” You did a complete 180. You were so weak for him that you hated it. But, shit, how you loved the feeling. “I can’t lose you too, Waka, I…”

“I’m not asking,” He deadpanned. You felt your heart plummet.

“You’ve gone cold on me,” You whimpered. You didn’t care if you sounded desperate. You knew your blood burned for him. “Waka, that’s not fair… please.”

“I need to protect you,” Waka’s eyes were filled with bittersweet longing – like this was breaking him, like he wanted to reach out and caress you but he knew he couldn’t… just as much as you did. “I have to do this. ‘S for your own good.”

Your mind raced to make sense of the cryptic words that had spilled from his pretty lips. “‘Kasa,” you breathed.

When he spoke again, his mask cracked a little more. “You know as much ‘s I do that he’s gonna go on a manhunt. I dun’no what I’d do if somethin’ happened to you ‘cause of me, doll, I…” His voice trembled a bit. He took a moment to regain his composure. “Me leaving would be the best thing for you. For both of us.”

Tears welled up in your eyes. God, this hurt. You knew it would come eventually, but, shit, you hadn’t expected it to hurt so bad. Your voice cracked, “You’re ending things to protect me? Without giving me a choice? What happened to “if Takeomi weren’t in the picture” ?”

Wakasa squeezed his eyes shut. His hands tightened into fists. “We’re done. We can’t do this again.”

“I’m telling you we can’t see each other again. Okay?”

For a moment, Wakasa looked like he wanted to say something, like he wanted to make you stay. Worst of all, you kind of wanted him to.

Eventually, he answered, “You can pretend it never happened, but I’ll know. You’ll know.”

Your heart squeezed painfully at the memory. It’s funny how history repeats itself.

“I can’t lose what we have,” You shook your head. “You’re the best thing that’s happened to me, I… I don’t know what I’d do without you. We can make this work, I know we can.”

You continued after a lengthy inhale. “I can’t let this go over fear… no, not unless I know you’re doing it because you don’t want this.”

Deep down, you knew you were fighting a losing battle. Your heart ached for him. You couldn’t let this go. Not after you had given up so much just to be with him, no, not yet. Just a moment longer.

You reached out for him, hand hesitantly searching for his, seeking solace in the midst of the turmoil even though you knew you had already lost. 

You needed him. You realized that the moment the thought of a life without him had even crossed your mind. You knew it from the moment the two of you had sworn off intimacy in that shower together. No, you knew it from the first moment your eyes had met his. Wakasa had wedged his way deep into the tissue of your rotten heart.

You were in love with him.

“We can leave it behind. Start fresh,” You pleaded with him, gripping his cold hand. “Don’t you want that?”

He stayed quiet. He wanted it as much as you did, you knew that. He ached for you too. But when you squeezed his hand and it remained limp in your palm – without so much as a squeeze back – you knew it was too late. Like the life drained from the veins of a corpse, Waka had gone cold. 

Lowering your head toward his hand, you sobbed. You had never stopped crying, not since he had proposed that the two of you stop seeing each other. Yet, now, it seemed that the tears were streaming down your face rapidly. Like the torrent waters of a river cutting through earth and soil, they poured down.

“I love you, Wakasa, I can’t… I…” You trailed off, at a loss for words at the absence of his own. Who knew this would hurt so badly? “You love me too, don’t you? Tell me that you love me too.”

The car fell silent, once again bringing back the memory of you sitting here in this same spot calling things off with him only a while ago. The weight of your desires hung in the air. 

Wakasa’s eyes were full of regret. He shook his head, taking his hand out of your grasp, “I can’t. I’m sorry.”

You felt your heart shatter.  You recoiled as if you had been struck by some invisible, unforeseen force. Then, you let Waka’s hand slip from your touch. 

Slowly, to your surprise, he pulled you into another hug, wrapping his arms around your trembling form. Your heart thumped wildly against your chest, torn between the comfort of his touch and the impending heartbreak that lingered in the air. He was confusing you.

He muttered. With a gentle squeeze, he held you closer, “‘M sorry. This life ain’t for you, doll.”

Your body stiffened against his, still struggling to process everything that had been dumped on you in the span of two hours. You clung to him like it would be the last embrace the two of you ever shared – no,  because it would be the last embrace the two of you ever shared. 

“No, please, don’t do this to me,” You pleaded brokenly. “I need you, ‘Kasa.”

“You know I have to do this,” He held you like he shared the sentiment, like he, too, wanted to make the most of what could very well be the last time the two of you saw each other like this. “No happy endings, remember?”

After this, he would be nothing but a stranger. The thought made you want to hurl.

You had never felt so alone before.

Was this love?

Your whole body shook with the force of your sobs. Waka gently brushed your tears away. His voice, dripping with tenderness and sorrow, seeped into your soul. “This is goodbye, okay?”

No, you thought. I won’t accept this.

You pulled away from him. “You’re a fucking coward,” you whispered between sobs. “I hate you.”

Waka's eyes met yours, his gaze soft and understanding, yet it only fueled the flames of your anger. How could he claim to comprehend the depths of your pain, the intricacies of your shattered heart? His tenderness felt like a cruel mockery at that moment, intensifying your resentment towards him.

“I know,” He nodded, as if accepting your accusation, though his expression revealed a profound sadness. It was as if he had heard those words before, and carried the weight of similar accusations. But his quiet acceptance only stoked the fire of your fury, fueling the bitterness that threatened to consume you.

Yet, despite your anger, there was a part of you that couldn't help but notice the sincerity in his gaze, the flicker of pain that danced in his eyes. It was a contradiction that confused and infuriated you even further. How could he evoke such conflicting emotions within you? How could he still have the power to touch your heart, even in the midst of your rage?

Feeling a surge of defiance amidst the sea of anguish, you pulled away from him, the anger within you bubbling to the surface. With a sudden burst of energy, fueled by your fractured heart, you swung open the car door and stumbled out onto the pavement. 

"I wish I never fucking met you," you seethed, the words torn from the depths of your wounded soul. You wish you meant it.

Then you slammed the door shut.

The words hung in the air, charged with the intensity of your pain. Each syllable reverberated through the silence, cutting through the stillness of the night. And as the echoes faded into the darkness, you turned on your heel and stormed off, leaving Waka behind

With each step you took, the anger within you burned brighter, fueling your determination to distance yourself from the source of your heartache. 

A call of your name shook you out of your angered reverie. You knew you shouldn’t stop, that you should have kept marching right on. Yet, you couldn’t help but turn to look back at him one more time.

He made you feel so weak.

He had rolled the window down. In his hand, he had your pink slipper. It was then that you realized you were missing a shoe. 

“You left this,” He noted, waving it toward you.

You refused to give him that satisfaction. Shaking your head at him through teary eyes, you spat, “Keep it, asshole.”

You turned your back on him again – for the last time – and stormed off. Every stride carried you further away from the wreckage of a love that had once blossomed but now lay in ruins. The words you had spoken, filled with bitterness and regret, echoed in your mind, a desperate attempt to sever the ties that still bound you to Wakasa

Yet, deep down, beneath the layers of anger and pain, a part of you yearned for the impossible—to undo the meeting that had led to this heartache. It was a futile wish, born out of the shattered remnants of a love that had once promised happiness.

Don’t look back, you thought.

And you didn’t. Not even as you fumbled for the keys in your pocket and unlocked the door to your house. Not even when you slammed the door shut behind you. Not even when you collapsed against the door, letting a gut-wrenching sob out the moment you found yourself in the safety of your own home.

And even when you sank to the floor in tears, fighting the urge to throw that door open again and run into his arms, you found yourself repeating the phrase like a mantra.

Don’t look back.

heyyyyy 😓😓 how yall doin.... no but fr how are we feeling after this one? could this be the end of waka??? (it isn't.) im not too confident abt this chapter even tho I put my whole pussy into it... I promise the next one will be infinitely better TRUUUSSSSST!!! to make up for the way I chewed your hearts up and spat them out this chapter (sorry lol) I will say!! stay tuned for the next episode of party monster featuring cameos from sano shinichiro, daddy benkei, and another character who I can't tell u abt yet!! (also who knows we may or may not get a chapter from wakas pov.... who knows.... u aint hear it from me) yk the drill tho, drop ur thoughts predictions and requests in the comments, I love listening to yall ;)) see u next chapter!! <33

I obviously do not own tokyo revengers or anything related to it. please do not reproduce, copy, or translate my works anywhere. dont fk w me im a bruja.

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#party monster ⋆ ★ #notiddygxthgf ˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ #wakasa imaushi #wakasa imaushi x reader #wakasa x reader #wakasa x you #wakasa imaushi smut #wakasa smut #wakasa imaushi fluff #wakasa fluff #wakasa angst #tokyo revengers #tokyo revengers x reader #tokyo rev x reader #hi if ur reading this far ily #benkei #sanoshinichiro #takeomi akashi #sanomanjiro #tenjiku #three deities arc #bonten #plz forgive me lol

[countryfriedcatboy]

rdr2 character hcs but they are all over the place

the reason hosea and dutch even met was because they were some town on the road to chicago and dutch kept stealing hoseas takes in the town so he went over there to steal all his shit and then. yknow the rest of the story. they hated eachother for a bit tho

dutch was the wildest fucking child to me. lil protestant shepherd boy in a farming community?? no he was horse racing, gambling on horse racing, drinking, smoking etc etc. also he would rather read in like a tree or smth rather than do his chores. also mother and son with bipolar 1 doesn't make the greatest concotion so theres just a lot to unpack there

also dutch's dad got him a dog as not only a working companion but someone to keep him company while he was away at war. guess what. he never came back

also dutch's dad was related to the dutch royal like. line or whatever and with all the economic shit going on he went over to the states to try and get with bankers and instead fell in love with a former english peasant. good for him

when dutch ran away (after his mom hit him with a lantern. my brain feels this is important) he made it to pittsburgh where he met the o'driscoll brothers who were the children of irish immigrants who ran with a ragtag gang of other street children and immigrants. also uncle was there

if it wasn't for dutch uncle would've been mugged, run over by a carriage, and shanked. and the way dutch kept getting him out of it was that uncle was his. well. "uncle" and he was just his concerned "nephew" uncle thought this was hillarious and refused to tell dutch his name because "uncle" was funnier to him

bessie is intersex AND transfemme fuck you. also her husband was abusive and she killed him and eventually ran into the van der linde gang when they were both on the run and then she fell in love with hosea and got to find true love :3 bc she deserves it

susan and the guy she mentions she was married too got married really young because they were sososoososo in love but then he died in a factory accident and she was widowed. she went on to travel out west and become a working woman and eventually a madam. because if fucking nothing that woman can MANAGE. eventually she meets dutch and they fool around and he tries to convince her to come with them. and while most of his points are bullshit she decides that some of them make sense and goes "fuck it"

yknow the rabbit matthews guy mentioned like. once? yeah thats hoseas dad and he came out of canada and a french canadian immigrant (where hosea gets the bit) with his brother (who goes on to get married and have a son). he is called rabbit matthews because of the rate at which this man fucks. it is wild. legend says he fathered 100 children in total. there is only six others beside hosea.

the matthews (hosea and his mother) live in the norhtern most points of the appalachias (new england area. makes it easier for him to get to nyc)

also hosea and his mother are jewish. so hes like. a french canadian jewish man.

hosea is wanted in new york for murder because when he finally got onto the stage his producer had beef with him. and then hosea pushed him down a flight of stairs and killed him. whoopsies

annabel was a working woman that started running with the o'driscolls and was kinda like colm's brothers lover?? sorta. and then when dutch came along again when he started working with them again they got together

colm and dutch were fucking btw. its just as bad as it sounds. so annabel and dutch were basically like. "wow ur bf sucks""yeah""we should get together btw"

young dutch van der linde hated church with a PASSION

also dutch and colm's brother got in the most fucked up fist fight over annabel and when dutch was about to get his fucking skull cracked arthur stepped in. got his ass beat. and THEN dutch got his act together. and unloaded a round into colm's brother. uncommon dutch w

thats,,, all i got that i can think of

#phase weeps #rdr2 headcanons #anyways im sorry these are all over the place but this. this is my truth man

[pansyboybloom]

Okay what?? I leave to get dinner and suddenly you're being accused of wanting to abolish the sex offender registry? That's not like you, what did they misinterpret?

And who the fuck do I have to murder with my teeth bc I may have just eaten but I'm still hungry

basically, i made a post explaining how in the USA, the SOR includes more than just abusers; it targets trafficking survivors (sex in 'public' spaces, which includes hotels, motels, etc), sex workers (full service is completely illegal where i live and an automatic sor addition), the homeless (peeing in public puts you on the sor, for example. what are you supposed ot do at 2am when we dont have public bathrooms?), teenagers who send nudes to each other, since that is technically the distribution of cp, etc. in my state, you can be put on the sor as young as thirteen. for example, kid i went to high school with was on there bc he had consensual sex with his 3 months younger bf ( the boy had just turned 18, bf was three months from 18, they'd been dating since middle school) and when the homophobic parents found out, called the cops bc they couldn't believe that their son was gay and insisted it hadn't been consensual. the guy i knew was charged with statutory rape and killed himself after being put on the registry. now granted, in my state now, we have a sort of 'romeo and juliet' law where if two people were underaged when they started a relationship and then one became of age it would be a case-by-case basis and not automatically statutory, but for this kid it was too little too late. he'd dating this guy since they were both 12. i understand the point of the sor, i understand why people would want rules and regulations, but it doesn't work that way when actually executed.

in Missouri, there is a proposed bill that teachers who help students transition should be put on the sor. the sor, while i understand its intention, allows the state to make a list of people it doesn't like, and when the state has the power to change what that list means when ever it wants, that gets dangerous. in Florida, there has also been a push to make doing drag in public a sexual offense. should we let them put drag queens on the sor? should someone's job prospects and life be ruined bc they were homeless and really really had to pee? should a trafficking survivor who was arrested be unable to gain access to resources they need, since most care clinics and such dont allow sex offenders on their property? should a 15 yo's life be over bc they sent a pic of their boobs to someone they love? basically, the sor in the usa is useless. a majority (like majority, majority) of predators never make it on there, and instead, tons of innocent people are.

that's what i said, and people took it and ran in the most bad faith ways ever. i dont think we should just let harmful people run rampant in the streets, i think that innocent teens shouldn't be pushed to suicide bc of homophobic parents over consensual sex, ya know?

#negative

[isdalinarhot]

Any more sadeas headcannons?

oh you sly dog. you waited. you waited until i relapsed and got stupid drunk so i would be willing to give out the goods. the good good juicy headcanons. the headcanons i dont usually share because they could be misconsgtrured as "woobifying sadeas" well sorry these are headcanons i have about the terrible serial killer racist piece of shit that has done every crime if you think any of this means im not aware that war crimes are bad or whatever thats on you

ONE. first love ever was a boy who was too old for him. when he was a young teen. probably like 18 or 19 to his 14. old enough that the older guy was being a creep to be honest. but i dont think sadeas ever recognized that. anyway sadeas's first bf was some fuck who instilled some uh. very unhealthy ideals about sex and sexuality into sadeas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! like really bad ones!!!!! and because i am charitable i like to think that he unlearned some of the worst ones by the time he hit 30 like i like to think his ob 3 actions do not reflect him at the time of dying i like to think hes capable of the tiniest modicum of growth. but yeah being in that ancient greece ass relationship instilled ingto sadeas the core belief that bottoming and/or submitting is synonymous with weakness and THAT is the reason i headcanon sadeas as a dom top. because he doesn't want to be weak. although im sure by year 20 of sadeas and dalinar topping dalinar got to dom and or top because guess what when you fuck the same person for 20 years you need some spice some variety and sadeas is willing to give up some of his deeply held opinions about self worth and sex for the sake of some fucking novelty. anyway when the dude got a wife sadeas arranged for him to be assassinated. because that would be a lifelong theme for him. also sadeas's dad when he found out sadeas was getting fucked by a dude was pissed as hell. which brings me to

TWO. sadeas had a physically abusive father and a neglectful mother and honestly had to raise himself. it really was every man for himself/every woman for herself in the sadeas household growing up and sadeas was for sure not above ratting out his siblings or framing them so they recieved his fathers ire instead of him. despite this he and his older younger sister (he had 3 siblings: one younger sister who was like 3 or 4 years younger than him, one younger sister who was like 9 or 10 years younger than him, and one baby brother who was born just before his dad died when he was 15) stayed pretty close and she scribed for him before he met ialai. sadeas eventually sent out a letter dictated by his sister to gavilar and dalinar when he heard that gavilar and dalinar were looking to unify alethkar that was like i am sympathetic to your cause but my father the highprince is not. please dispose of him and i will be your greatest ally. and dalinar did murder him gruesomely and i think that is a large part of why sadeas was down bad for dalinar at first. because he managed to get rid of the biggest stressor in his life that he had been dealing with hiswohle life. also i think sadeas is like the third or fourth torol and its because his dad also primarily went by torol that he likes to be called sadeas. keeps a distance from the piece of shit bastard yknow?

THREE he met ialai because she was a friend of his younger sister's, he was immediately smitten by how frankly she talked about killing people and getting rid of them. sadeas likes a bloodthirsty bitch. and it was like. really weird for him yknow? because he had never felt this way about a woman before. before this literally everyone he ever got horny about was a man. all his crushes were on men all his lustful jackoff sessions were about men literally his whole sexuality was men. except now theres ialai. and theres two ways you could look at it and im fond of both. one. ialai was comphet. you just know sadeas didnt have many female friends etc that he wasnt related to. hes not exactly womanrespecter9000 ill tell you that much. and so sadeas meets a woman who he actually gets close to and goes This Must Be Love and treats it as such and marries her even though he later realizes he is not attracted to her and this marriage is simply politically convenient. the secontd option is that he really truly is bisexual and he is really truly into ialai however his flavor of bisexualityis susch that he is like99% attracted to men 1% attracted to women and that woman is ialai. homoflexible if you will. although all this being said i do not think that even keeping in mind that roshar doesnt really have those labels sadeas even if handed modern day framework for all that stuff would still choose not to label himself. because one the hassle of deciding am i really into women or is ialai just bangin (question i ask myself on the reg) is just not high on his priority list of issues to solve two i dont think he would align himself with any queer community. he just fucks dudes he doesnt want to be involved with any pride in fucking dudes. yknow? thats my hot take. is sadeas gay or bi? its none of our fucking business and im not even sure if he knows.

thats all of them i can think of im sorry if this post is extremely foul also sorry for infodumpng i am just passionate on this subject

#anonymous #hey look an ask #drunkposting #torol sadeas #i have said so many words about this #long post

[silksatan]

ive been going through my bf's phone every now and then (i know i know im not proud of it) bc he talks w my best friend about me a lot, specifically abt my mental state

hugelarge rant incoming, readmore doesnt work on mobile so sorry but ur gonna have to scroll thru<3

tell me why they are deadass talking abt sending me to a facility if i get worse. (this is not ed related btw its alcohol abuse and depression) like lol girl 1) you have no right to do that 2) why the fuck is this the first i hear of you being concerned :)))) she literally said "sometimes i feel bad abt not doing enough. like i guess i could play [my hyperfixation game] with him but i just dont feel like it" GIRL LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOO. doing something u dont feel like > me feeling included and cared for. like you know what yes u should feel bad bc she hangs out w my bf EVERY DAY on discord, without fail, but when im like oh want to play? shes like uhm sure just a sec and then doesnt show up until 3hrs later. like 🙂 ok

they talk abt me killing myself like it would be a huge inconvenience but also shrug their shoulders abt doing ANYTHING. they play hot potato w who should voice their concern (spoiler: nobody ever does) and state that well! we cant do anything other than listen when he decides to talk about it! and i didnt mind this inaction bc i thought they were unaware of how shitty im doing, but it turns out they know VERY well, they just dont give enough of a shit to bother doing anything about it. i did always know im more trouble than im worth🤭

whenever i do hang out w them while they play their own game they ignore me, nobody ever takes the initiative to do anything w me, if god forbid she's doing something w me and my bf comes online she immediately fucks off to hang out w him instead.

sick and fucking tired of it all. im going to start starving myself effective immediately & after i have my doctors appointment on monday i am doing some disgusting fucking cutting🤪

#tw ed #tw sh #we live a few hours away bc we met in highschool but everyone moved away for uni and jobs; thats why all this interaction is online

[lipiaknight]

ya know what, i will make my own post. This is the last social media i have that isnt watched, so im going to use it as such, god damn it!

CW for abelism, abuse, and reactionary rhetoric.

Ive spent my whole life fighting with my disability, and once i finally stopped fighting it and working with it, i start feeling better. Normally, this would be great. Im finally over 100 lbs, im fitting into clothes that were got as a prank to “force me to get bigger” and i am in less pain. Im accepting using my mobility aids and have stopped having regular seizures unless accidentally induced.

im doing so much better than i ever thought i would and have genuinely never felt better than now.

this is where the problem lies, though. im not Enough for the people around me.

I had a coversation with my GF the other day, talking about how i dont feel like im valued in the household. I cant do the chores of 3 people, dont feel safe cooking on gas (ive asked many times to get a functioning induction cooktop so i can cook for the family), my disability prevents me from doing yard work, and if im cleaning, i need someone else around or else i think im being punished and have panic attacks.

So, for the longest time, i tried providing what im good at.

i made budgets, schedules, help with layouts and organising. I kept small areas neat while leaving the big things (such as vaccuming and laundry) to my gf and bf. it wasnt enough. I had to do the big things too. so, i asked if BF could help wit hthe workload. Take his dishes to the sink so i could spend less time walking to reduce joint pain, put my drawing tablet (my only method of getting income) away if i forget to, take out the trash so i dont dislocate my shoulders trying to, mantain my organisation so gf and i had to clean less frequently.

hes too tired too. Hes always too tired to help out unless its mowing the lawn, which he complains about because hes allergic to the grass.

im not allowed to get angry at them.

When i pointed out that almost all the family groceries were bought on my foodstamps card, and i dont make enough to get basic medical supplies for myself, and rightfully pointed out thats financial abuse, he repeatedly told me he wanted to get violent. It caused me to have a panic attack, so i took a nap between the inciting incident and the conversation. he kept telling me that he wanted to hurt me, and that if it werent for the voices in his head, he would have.

when i got angry that my drawing tablet, which ive had for 8 years without a single scratch, suddenly has 2 broken cords and a huge scratch, as well as clouding and warping due to food and drinks being placed on it, and drinks spilled on it regularly enough that the driver doesnt recognise it anymore, he shrugs it off, saying he will get it replaced after his vacation.

when i get angry that my budget, that they both asked me to make got thrown out because 2 numbers were off, and theyre taking my ideas to save money months later after indirectly threatening to starve me, i was shrugged off with a “yeah, kinda dumb, isnt it.”

so, i talk with my gf about how all the effort i put in to make the house better is wasted. how im not appreciated or valued and im treated like a child because im not getting what i need because they want before me. Not before my wants, before me. 

She agreed with me. 

She said i was right. 

That i am not valued because “we dont need what youre good at. We need you to be able to do chores.” 

and this has been a consistant all my life. 

i sleep during the day instead of at night because sunlight exposure causes seizures? “but i need you to cook for the house”

I stim and listen to music because the sound of reality is too loud and it hurts? “we need you to act normal”

i talk about my DND sessions because theyre the only fucking friends i have? “we need you to have normal interests”

EVERY. FUCKING. THING. IVE. EVER. DONE. HASNT. BEEN. GOOD. ENOUGH.

so yea, from time to time, i dress in a way with the specific connotation of “Make conservatices mad” or to “make my abusers mad” because i cant fight the systems in place that cause me to be dismissed and devalued. the only form of fighting the oppression i experiance is to piss off the people that do it. Forgive me if thats a little “reactionary” but its the only way ive survived untill now.

#vent post #long post #ableism #reactionary rhetoric #neglect #omfg im so fucking tired of not being enough #they claim to love me but i dont fucking feel it #the only reason im not suicidal is because i feel so much visceral hate all the damn time

[absolutebl]

This Week in BL - Thailand & Vietnam End with Bangs, Korea with a Whimper

Jan 2022 Wk 3

Being a highly subjective assessment of one tiny corner of the interwebs.

Ongoing Series - Thai

Not Me (YouTube) Ep 5 - OffGun still crackle on screen together. The parkour jumping thing was, erm, silly. Gram’s info-dumping in this episode showed us exactly why Not Me has no product placement. Also, I want a twist to be that Black was in love with Gram and gave the card. 

Love Area Part 2 (GaGa) Ep 1 - this is basically a continuation of the previous “season” - let’s be fair this is a 12 ep BL that they split into 6 & 6 for reasons of lockdown. Anyway the first half of this first ep is recap. Val & Toon are painfully endearingly awkward, but Toon cannot possibly be that dense about either seme’s intentions. King, Peat & Ice are more interesting to me, but their plot is dealing with domestic abuse and mental health issues which might be too much for me in a BL. There was a fun commentary on the Pink Milk = uke trope. New character Jun is VERY fascinating. So far, Jun is agender in both speech and appearance. Jun uses ha instead of krap/kha. So this show might be worth watching if only for Jun. 

Something in My Room (Ch3Thailand, YouTube) Ep 1 - It’s cute, basically He’s Coming To Me meets So Much In Love and not really scary at all (which I like). Also, nice to see Nut in a new role so different from Solo.  I’ll keep watching. 

Gen Y 2 (grey) Ep 5 - It was totally nonsensical this ep. I spent most of the tome missing ForthBeam. Updated the live blog here. 

Paint with Love (Gaga) Ep 9 - At least stuff happened? Except now the side dishes have gone wonky. GREAT KISS THO. Soem of the domestic bits were cute, I guess? Still, what is going on with thi show? 

You’re My Sky (Viki) Ep 3 - I’m not into the main basketball couple at all. The puppy/nerd-tsundere are cute but he’s a bit too stalker aggressive, still kinda MarkKit vibes. Frankly the cheater couple have by far the best chemistry (bummer because I hate the storyline) but I do love a shy grump vs a flirty playful boy. 

Bad Buddy (YouTube) Ep 12 fin - The bar has been raised, Thailand. This ending was unexpectedly satisfying if not typical romance-y. I give Bad Buddy a solid 9/10 mostly because of crazy good acting and all the queer affirmation and effort put in to specifically subvert damaging Thai BL tropes. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED I finished the live blog here and full review here. 

Ongoing Series - Not Thai

Behind Cut (Korea - Viki) Ep 7 & 8 fin - honestly last week I thought this one was working itself to be something special, but then they did the old break ‘em up until a year later for no good reason K-drama (specialty of the house) and fubbed the landing. It’s fine, but no more than fine. Pretty much My Sweet Dear level so 8/10. RECOMMENDED, just don’t expect it to exceed the bounds of KBL’s narrow scope. The best bits were the dating scenes and it drifted from there. Full review here.

Color Rush 2 (Korea - Viki) Ep 1-2 - I like it. The new seme character, Se Hyun (played by Hyuk of VIXX) is a bit sinister while also reminding me a little of Sam Lin (always a good thing). Se Hyun is a very different personality from Yoo Han and I liked that they didn’t try to repeat the pattern. Frankly Hyuk is a better actor than Hwall (no offense to any B out there) and these two actors have better chemistry, even though we’ve been told this will be a bromance. Regardless, I want to find out what’s going on in this weird little universe so I’ll probubly stick with this show until the bitter end no matter what, and even knowing it’s likely to be ultimately unsatisfying. 

Rainbow Prince (Pinoy musical - YouTube) Ep 2 - Remains stupid glorious. Started out with actual 1950s level Disney tinkle music. Creepy stalker ex-bf is creepy but the prince needs a job. Honestly it’s kinda acted like its a cartoon for children. I don’t know where I am with this show but I do not care. 

The Next Door Crush (Vietnam - YouTube) Ep 4 - didn’t drop, again. I might be giving this series a dnf at this juncture. It wasn’t wowing me anyway. 

You Are My Stupid Boy Ep 1-2 (Vietnam season 2 YouTube) - is a continuation of 2 existing couples Couple 1 (Troung & Khoa) from You Are My Sunshine and Couple 2 from Stupid Boys, Stupid Love (who I like better). SBSL couple brings with them a supportive female bestie who immediately goes up against the resident faen fatalle threatening YAMS couple. AKA the Anti-Faen Fatal... explosion immanent. I like it okay, but it’s a quar project (a bit talky and slow) and you probubly should watch the first two series first. Luckily they’re on YT under the same parent channel. 

Mr Cinderella (Vietnam - YouTube) Ep 8 fin - these two are great flirts and good kissers. We got a fabulously (and quintessentially Vietnamese) domestic ending. Technically this should probubly still get a 7/10 when compared to, say, the Thai stuff, but it just that much better than previous Vietnamese BLs and I’m giving it an 8/10. RECOMMENDED. 

In Case You Missed It

Thai BL short ZMaj sort just a min music video but with a little dialogue. 2 boys work at a cafe and a breakup drives them together. That’s James (Beer in Oxygen) & Nat from upcoming Bed Friend & Middleman’s Love. 

Gossip

The Thai redo of Love Stage!! looks a lot more like the original manga or anime. I’m excited about that a lot, actually, since I was very disappointed with the Japanese live action version. It looks like Thailand is brave enough to do the cross dressing element (could go horribly wrong but Turbo is gonna be SO pretty) and Kaownah actually looks like a great Ryo, less slapstick and more of a gentleman. This series will be long enough to deal with the BL side couple of the brother and the house manager too (younger seme, older uke, plus somewhat whipping boy). So yeah, you can tell, I’m excited. It’s a first for Thailand too, doing its own adaptation of something Japan has already tackled. Let’s see how Thai they can make it! You can watch the trailer here. I might be expecting to much from this one. 

Next Week Looks Like This:

One Love (unknown) & Physical Therapy (GaGa) both start tomorrow (Sunday). Physical Therapy has been described as “bittersweet” so WATCH OUT. My Ride (unknown) is supposed to start Thurs. For Friday Enchante will be taking over Bad Buddy’s time slot (on GMMTV’s YouTube) and The Love of Winter (YouTube) also starts. Love Stage!! is supposed to start Saturday (Aisplay - no idea on international) and Restart(ed) on Sunday (unknown). 

I’ve officially given up on Tell The World I Love You. I want to see it. But doubt I ever will. It’s been nearly a year and it’s still no where near out. 

Upcoming 2022 BL master post here. It’s now static (Tumblr has locked me out of editing it). It’s a bug, please just realize I can no longer use it to keep you updated on new announcements. It’s static as of Jan 15, 2022. 

This week’s best moments?

Still living for these two cuties. 

#this week in bl #BL news #BL updates #BL update #BL episode recaps #thai bl #Korean BL #Vietnamese BL #KBL #k-bl #Pinoy BL #Mr Cinderella #Rainbow Prince #Next Door Crush #Behind Cut #Bad Buddy #You’re My Sky #Love Area Part 2 #Not Me #gmmtv #Paint with Love #Gen Y 2 #Color Rush 2 #Something in My Room #love stage!! #adapted from a manga #live action yaoi

[littleoddwriter]

hi! can i request (only if you feel comfortable, if not its totally fine, ignore this!) some trans roman? and maybe victor helping him with his dysphoria?

Dysphoria | Roman Sionis x Victor Zsasz | ZsaszMask

Hey! :) Gosh, yes, of course! Thank you so much for this request, you have no idea how excited I got when I read it! I absolutely projected on Roman and thought about him being trans a lot over the last year. So, of course, most of what is written here have been my own experiences, projected on him (not 100% the same, ofc, but--- yeah. I'm pre-everything for example, so, that's already not accurate, but other things that I'm not gonna point out here). Anyway, I really hope you enjoy this, mate! <3

summary; Roman is trans and some day into everything, his dysphoria thought to fuck him over more than usual. Victor helps him through it.

notes; TW // Gender Dysphoria; Mentions of Periods (one sentence); Past Child Abuse (being beaten); Transphobia (nothing explicit, but-); Crying; Self-Harm (punching); Dissociation; essentially Roman's having a BPD Episode bc I always write him having BPD even if not explicitly stated. Trans!Roman, who is on T, but hasn't had Top Surgery, yet. Hurt/Comfort; Showering (mentioned); Cuddling; Kissing; Reassurance; Victor being a good BF.

From the day on that his body has- developed further, Roman’s known that it wasn’t right, that something about the way his body has changed was so utterly and terribly wrong. He hadn’t been able to put his finger on it for a long time, uneducated as he’d been, no thanks to his parents who’ve made sure he’d never be exposed to such things.

So no, of course he hadn’t realised that he wasn’t crazy, but in fact experiencing gender dysphoria.

The understanding and connection he felt with other boys, but not with girls; the way he desperately tried to hide his curves when they started to be visible; the way he thought he was dying, when he first menstruated; the way he’s been crying and feeling such burning rage, when he’s looked at his naked form in the mirror; the way he’s thought that if he was a boy, he’d be happier.

He’s not known for a long time that this was an experience a surprising amount of people have made before him, alongside him.

When he’s finally found people describing their own experiences and learned through those that he truly wasn’t alone with his feelings, he also started to gather more information on the right terminology: Transgender; Gender Dysphoria and Euphoria; Binding; Packing; Social and/or Medical Transition; Hormone Replacement Therapy; Top Surgery; Bottom Surgery; Bottom Growth, and so forth.

Roman marvelled at the possibilities for him to bring out the man inside of him to the outside world, for others to see and recognise. He’s been so ecstatic, doing all kinds of research into it and starting to slowly carry it out to the world around him.

Unfortunately, that hadn’t gone over very well at all. He’s gotten to feel his father’s strength, balled into fists, for the first time in a couple of years, after he’s stated his refusal to wear a dress to the gala because it made him uncomfortable. He’s cut his hair shorter just before that, too, which had upset his parents greatly.

Still, he hadn’t let them deter him. Then he was on his own until he was an adult and able to move out. He’d deal with it somehow. It was fine.

And it really had been fine for a while – up until he’s gathered all his courage to come out to his parents, actually.

Surprisingly, his father hadn’t beaten him into a pulp, like he’d expected. Instead – and really, for Roman this was a lot worse than the beating – his parents had kicked him out and written him out of their will, pulling the plug on him ever receiving another cent of the family’s fortune. He’d been allowed to take his things with him until the late night and then he’d been supposed to be out for good. That was exactly what he’d done, too.

Lucky for him, though, he’s opened a bank account a while ago, setting aside most of his allowance there, just to be safe. Although, frankly, he’s done it to pay for hormones and surgery with it, but that was alright. He’d get that money back eventually, so much more than that, too.

Years later, he’s finally come to the point, where he’s changed his name and sex on all documents, now he’s officially been registered as Roman Beauvais Sionis. It was euphoric, really. He’s also started Hormone Replacement Therapy, and it worked out brilliantly for him.

Still, he’s not had Top Surgery, yet. Why? Well, he was scared for one. He didn’t fucking trust doctors, either. And somewhere along the way, he’s become so conscious of having an immaculate looking body that he just didn’t want to ruin it with surgical scars under his pectorals. It had to sound silly to some people, since his chest dysphoria wasn’t exactly light either, but every time he so much as thought about it and informed himself about it, he ended up with a fucking panic attack. So he’s put it on the back burner for the time being.

It hasn’t really bothered him too much, yet. He worked well with sports bras, binders, and tapes, sometimes nothing at all either, albeit rarely.

His partner in crime (and more), Victor Zsasz, who he’s met about two years ago, has taken it in stride that Roman wasn’t a ‘typical man’ and he was secretly grateful for it. It’s been something he’s always been cautious of, but fortunately Zsasz wasn’t typical by any means either. He didn’t care what was between Roman’s legs or on his chest, as long as it was Roman and no one else. Charming, really.

One late afternoon, though, Roman’s been feeling a little off all day long. It wasn’t anything new; his moods fluctuated between extremes very quickly all the time. Still, he could very well live without days on which he’s felt as though his skin was too tight and like he was one very minor inconvenience away from breaking down crying.

He’s gone to take a shower, washing off the day’s grime before changing into something more comfortable. All business meetings for the day had been taken care of by then and with the way he’s been feeling, he’s made no plans on going downstairs to oversee his club.

After his shower – throughout which he’s kept his eyes closed for most of it, having taught himself to navigate through it mostly without seeing at all by then – it’s all come to a tipping point, apparently.

Still naked, his eyes swept over the mirror, glancing at his own body quickly.

Roman’s been working out since he’s gone on testosterone, making sure his body looked more and more masculine as the years have passed. He was pleased with the progress he’s made.

But when he caught that glimpse of his chest, he stopped short. Overwhelming sadness, disgust and rage broke through to the surface, suffocating him all too suddenly.

Quickly, he pulled the light grey cotton shirt over his head, making sure it sat loose enough. He looked back into the mirror.

It was as though suddenly all masculinity had been stripped off him.

He could see the curves on his chest, his shirt not loose enough to cover them up entirely without anything binding them. He’s stopped binding all day long a while ago, having started to feel more comfortable, thanks to Victor and the hormones’ affects. It didn’t change the fact that in this very moment, it was all too visible – his previous femininity.

Roman kept on looking, all aforementioned emotions overwhelming him more and more, so quickly and suddenly, practically choking him from inside.

And then he was screaming.

He was crying, sobbing violently.

He was punching his thighs first and then the mirror, cracking it.

All of a sudden he was stopped from continuing.

His wrists were being held in a strong grip.

His vision was blurry.

He was still convulsively sobbing and shaking.

“Roman.” It sounded so far away, almost distorted, but he could tell it was Victor. His Victor.

“Roman, hey. Look at me.” It was becoming clearer with every word.

Snivelling still, Roman tried his best to focus on coming back, on looking at his partner. The tight grip Zsasz had on his wrists helped grounding him more easily, more quickly. Fresh tears rolled down his red, puffy cheeks, but it cleared his vision a little. He looked straight into Victor’s beautiful deep, yet empty, brown eyes.

“You’re okay, Roman. I’ve got you. I promise,” Zsasz assured him, sounding so calm and so convinced of his promise.

Roman nodded jerkily, although he didn’t believe Victor entirely.

Then Roman tried to get his arms out of Zsasz’s hold, which he tightened at first, but let him go eventually. He must’ve seen how worked up Roman was getting.

Finally released, Sionis wrapped his arms around Victor, embracing him tightly, pressing himself against him, so that nothing could possibly get between them. Zsasz immediately reciprocated and put his arms around Roman’s waist, holding onto him, while he started crying again, the violent sobs shaking his entire body, cries of anguish leaving his lips. His voice sounded so abused, so raw and broken.

“It’s okay. I’ve got you, boss. I’m here for you, Roman,” Victor shushed him, rubbing soothing circles into his back.

After a while, Roman started to calm down, his snivels dying down to quiet hiccups, tears having long stopped to actually fall.

He released Zsasz from the embrace and rubbed his hands over his face, groaning frustrated. It was so wet. He was disgusted. He turned towards the sink and washed his face with cold water, rubbing it dry with his towel.

He didn’t spare another look into the mirror.

Afterwards, Roman and Victor walked over to their bed, lying down on it. Roman cuddled into his partner, burying his face in the crook of his scarred neck, wrapping his arms around his waist and tangling their legs. Zsasz put his right arm around Roman’s shoulders and with the other one’s hand he held onto his forearm over his own stomach, stroking his thumb over the soft skin there in soothing circles.

“D’you wanna tell me what happened?” Victor asked quietly.

“Fucking gender dysphoria is what happened,” Roman murmured against Zsasz’s skin, sounding agitated, still.

Victor sighed sadly.

“You know it’s lying to you, Roman. You’re a man. Doesn’t fucking matter what your biological sex is or whatever.”

Roman scoffed, “But I’m not a real man. I was a fucking- I can’t even say it,” another frustrated groan, “I looked into the mirror and all I could see was-“

“No,” Victor interrupted him, “Roman, you are a real man. Whatever you thought you saw in the mirror wasn’t real. Your mind’s playing tricks on you to make you feel bad about yourself. You’re as much as a man as me. Or literally any other fucking guy here in Gotham, more so than some of them, too. I promise.”

“You really think so?” Roman nearly whispered, lifting his head to look at his partner, assessing him.

“Yes,” was Victor’s simple answer, such conviction in his eyes and voice, it was palpable – it took Roman’s breath away.

Roman nodded, “’Kay,” he paused for a long moment; then he leaned down and kissed Victor on his full lips, a very small smile stretching his own, “Thank you.”

He rarely ever said ‘thank you’ to anyone at all, but he knew it was the only appropriate response he had for Zsasz’s constant reassurance – his help.

Instead of saying anything else, they started kissing, tenderly making out and enjoying each other’s company, warmth, and mere presence.

Roman may not have always felt complete security about his identity, but he’s never been alone with it either. Victor’s unfailingly been staying by his side, fending off bigots, unbelievers and even his own mind day in and out.

He couldn’t possibly find the right words for just how grateful he was.

He thought that no words could even come close to describing it.

#tw gender dysphoria #tw past child abuse #tw bpd episode #tw dissociation #roman sionis #roman sionis fanfiction #victor zsasz #victor zsasz fanfiction #zsaszmask #zsaszmask fanfic #trans headcanon #trans character #mlm ship #mlm fiction #mlm fanfic

[trans-clown-catgirl]

Sooo, someone on Rewritten Belial wanted to know what I see wrong with mid fight masses. Boy, boy oh boy, where do I fucking start

ANIMATION

My god. My god the animation. The problem for the most part isn't the animation itself (except for the title screen, fuck that, it looks so weirdly floppy and stiff), it's the fact the animations aren't aligned properly. Take one good look at Sarv's sprites in the first 2 songs. Look how often her position shifts. There's seemingly no ground whatsoever for her, her feet get positioned up and down seemingly at random with the notes and it's REALLY frustrating. It isn't even bc of exaggerated poses, Week 4 shows that exaggerated poses can work while still making sense with where the floor is. Sarvente continues to be an offender in that regard with the fact the telephone animation looks EXTREMELY choppy and lacks a lot of inbetween frames, not to mention how stiff it feels.

Ruv is a lesser offender, the only thing that bothers me is how his feet curve down on his idle stance, because, again, That's Not How The Ground Works.

Selever. Dear god. His idle animation is so fucked. He goes 3 steps to the left by standing still. And this is purely an XML issue btw, bc there's a gif in the files with the animation in its raw state and it looks just fine

ART

THE BACKGROUNDS, DON'T GET ME STARTED. They're completely fucking lineless. That's NOT what you do with FNF. In FNF, lineless stuff is the environment, a car, the sun, a house, individual objects that are supposed to be in front or behind of one another are lined, always, and the mod NEVER does this, making everything blend in super hard.

Then there's a problem all the sprites share. They are by no means in FNF's style. FNF's art style consists of a lot of thick lines, big shapes, and a generally very street-like style. MFM does none of that. The lines are thin (with sarvente having completely lineless elements, which you should NEVER do for fnf character sprites unless it's pure black) and look very out of place when put next to every other character. Ruv is, again, the lesser offender, although he's definitely still one.

THE CHARTING

Hell. Hell. HELL. SO MANY NOTES THAT AREN'T EVEN IN THE SONG ITSELF, SUCH AN ABSURD OVERUSE OF TRIPLES AND DOUBLES, because god forbid the player actually has fun doing patterns for fast songs, right?! Gospel is safe in this regard, meanwhile Zavodila. Why. Zavodila could have been perfectly fun and difficult without them. Why did you do this. They're not inherently wrong, you just need to implement them really well and chief this ain't it. Jacks and multis aren't to be abused, ever. Patterns are best, always.

THE MUSIC

Subjectivity zone has been entered. Worship, Parish and Gospel are very subjective and down to taste, personally I ended up only liking Gospel out of the three even if I insist it should be a metal song bc demons are just like that.

Now Zavodila I have an objective complaint about, AND IT'S THE BEST SONG IN THE MOD. This isn't too much about the song on its own, but as an FNF song. Listen to it. Listen to it and tell me Ruv's voice sounds like a voice at all. No. It's just hard bass without a smidge of voice on it. If it was a voice with a filter on it that made it kinda sound like hard bass, fine, Whitty is good for that reason, it's a voice with a filter that makes it sound SIMILAR to an instrument. But when it's JUST an instrument, you've gone overboard. Idk what Selever's song is called but it has the exact same issue.

THE WRITING

ULTIMATE SUBJECTIVITY ZONE ENTERED. PROCEED AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION.

The writing is very lackluster. Everything just kinda happens for the sake of it, there's no background motivator or thing that got BF and GF there against their own will, it just kinda. Happens. And the reveal for Sarv's demon form is VERY lackluster, she just goes "lemme show u a secret actually" and transforms for no reason other than an excuse for a harder song. And to be blatant hornybait btw, I saw the namefiles, this demon form was designed with pure libido and no brain processes. Either way; everything just kinda happens for no reason here. It's not good. It's. Very, very bad.

And then you get into the background lore and it all gets so goddamn confusing because Dokki literally dug up OCs from when she was a kid and tried to bullshit up some backstory for them and it all crashed horribly. Every little fact is thrown in just because, like. She's lucifer but also didn't want to become lucifer and did so on accident?? How? It's never elaborated on? And WHY would she help God, who she hates, to bring people to heaven, what kinda consequence is there to not doing it, why is she being told to do this, and yet she's apparently NOT an actual nun and is just wearing a costume. What the hell is going on there. It's a mess. And Ruv. What's going on with Ruv I actually don't know I just know apparently he has dead nerves that make him unable to smile (which btw THAT'S NOT HOW NERVES WORK THEY'RE SPREAD ACROSS THE BODY AND ARE VERY, VERY LONG, THEY'RE NOT DIRECTLY CONDENSED INTO ANY SPOT AND THEN THEY JUST STOP THEY'RE INTERCONNECTED) and that he "kills for a sense of justice and ends up becoming an antagonist because of it"?? It's all so confusing and it makes 0 sense. They should have been remade from the ground up instead of having been picked up and thrown a buncha shit onto. You don't pick up a rotten piece of meat, slap a buncha sauces on top of it and make it taste good. It's still old, rotten meat, and you should just get fresh meat instead. Same type, new start. Remake, don't rehash.

CONCLUSION

In my sincere opinion? This mod had a TON of potential. You could have done a lot more under more capable hands. On every single end. Writing, charting, art, music to a lesser degree, if it had been done by more capable and experienced people it could have been one of the best mods. But then it wasn't. And it got popular anyways. This. This all is why I'm reclaiming it. Because I see what could have been. How much you could have done with this mod. And I wanted to take a shot at the writing end of things, because that's what I'm most capable of, even if it isn't much. That's why I made Rewritten Belial. And why I hope I did a good job of making something worthwhile with these characters.

ALSO THE DEVS ARE SO ENTITLED HOOOOLY SHIT YOU LITERALLY CANNOT POST RECHARTS ON GAMEBANANA ANYMORE WITHOUT GETTING BANNED BC THEY GET MAD WHEN PEOPLE FIX THEIR HORRIBLE CHARTS. THEY NEVER, EVER ENCOURAGE FAN CONTENT THAT ISN'T SUCKING UP TO THEM AND JUST COPYPASTING WHAT'S ALREADY THERE WITH 0 MODIFICATIONS. MIKEGENO UR THE ONLY DECENT PERSON HERE BLESS YOU

#Rant #Long post

[wesimpforxiao]

My Backstory (IRL)

Before I begin, if you want nothing to do with hearing about abusive relationships, possible eating disorder, anxiety disorders/depression/suicide, sexual assualt, manipulation, gaslighting, sexual harassment, etc, SKIP THIS POST.

So, I would like to start off by saying the NSFW content I *try* to write always falls stale, 1. being because I get embarrassed or ashamed by my writing my own thoughts, and 2. because of the rest of this post.  So the Albedo NSFW may not happen, but I asked just in case (i have some of it written out, but it is very stale).  And also because I may or may not have accidentally triggered a trauma response as I was writing the Albedo post (oops...)

To begin, freshman year of high school, 14 yrs old, (I’m 20 and in college now), I started dating this guy that was in my grade.  I have an anxiety disorder, so when we started going out, I immediately stopped eating because I constantly felt sick to my stomach.  It wasn’t because I thought I was fat or anything, I just felt sick.  Think butterflies in your stomach times 10 and ALL the time.  We dated for a month before he broke up with me.  During that time, he had suddenly brought up the idea of me sending nude or bra/undie pics to him.  Him and his friend (who was in the call with us) tag-teamed and said that it was normal and asked when I would be ready to send pictures.  Both of them asked that.  Red flag number one.  I said 3 months just to please them, not that I was actually going to do it.

Once he broke up with me, I was DEVASTATED. I feel A LOT, and it was my first ‘relationship.’ Exactly a month later, he texted me, saying he wanted to be friends.  I said okay.  He never acknowledged my presence at school, often avoiding my eyes.  Sometime into that he had asked me what I would do if he had asked me out again, and when I said I’d say yes, he immediately texted back and said “i am so sorry, my friend [insert name] was texting you on my phone and I didn’t know until now.”  Red flag number two.

Then, after we had stopped being friends, a month passes.  He texts me again, this time saying “It’s been 3 months.”  Yeah.  Did you read the part where I said I’d consider sending pictures at 3 months? That only applied if we were dating for that long (and I still wouldnt do that), so where is his logic?  Now, I don’t know why I even got back together with him, but I did.  For a week.  And just like the first time, I felt sick to my stomach.  I always look back on this as a warning from God.  And this time, he wasn’t hiding his intentions.  He was CONSTANTLY making sexual jokes, sending inappropriate emoji ‘jokes,’ and asking for nudes.  He did not stop asking even when I told him to, and even when I told him it made my stomachache worsen.  I did not trust him, but I stayed for a full week of hell.  Eventually I slightly caved, showing him on facetime me in my bra and underwear (My thinking: he couldn’t save pictures that way).  He covered his camera.  Did he take screenshots or something? I don’t know.  It was awful.  I kicked him to the curb the next day, still feeling like *I* should be the one apologizing.  He eventually “tried” to apologize thru text, but was too much of a coward to apologize in person when i requested that.  He says he had cancer or something, I honestly don’t care. His actions were inexcusable and it was pathetic that he used it as an excuse.

I hated him so strongly for the next 3-4 years, but the story doesn’t end there.  A new guy, senior, 17 yrs old.  End of my freshman year.  We get together.  He didn’t properly ask me out, just assumed we were dating after we confessed our feelings EVEN THOUGH I told him my dad said to wait 3 months.  Red flag number three.  So, by the bf’s standards, 6 months into the relationship, I stay over at his place for New year’s.  I will admit that we did stuff over the phone prior to then, but I consider to be fine with that timeline.  At some point while we were planning to do stuff (if ya know what I mean but NOT full on hoo-ha stuff okay) for New year’s, he said “Who knows, maybe we’ll get carried away ;)” Red flag number four.  This immediately made me uncomfortable, and I was not fully comfortable when the day came either.

We were making out (consensual, but I feel like i was forcing myself a bit), I let him touch me down *there* (which he sucked at lemme tell ya) (also it was fine when he touched me before this day), and then he asked to touch my chest.  *Previously, he had stated if i wasnt sure, hed touch over my bra first and go slow.  He did not do either, instead immediately slipping his hand under my bra.* That is when something inside me snapped, and I felt number than I already was. Red flag number five.

I didn’t stop him because I wanted to feel something, anything.  I got nothing.  And then came the time when he decided to say “Now its your turn,” grabbed my hand, and put it down his pants, ignoring me, who was saying “I don’t know how to, I’m not sure I want to.”  

I felt nothing for a few days, and then depression set in.  It didn’t feel connected to that incident, and i didn’t connect the dots until later.  It got so bad I had almost decided to kill myself three months later.  My anxiety was through the roof, and every day my trauma manifested itself in the question “Do I actually love him?”  It was a living hell to be inside my head all the time.  He at one point asked me “Are you sure you were okay with what happened on new year’s? You’re acting like you’ve been raped.”  When I said I wasn’t, he said “oh.” and we never talked about it again.

The relationship continued for another year despite my obvious depression and anxiety that revolved around him. He lied to me on several occasions, disregarded my boundaries (i.e. continued to make sexual jokes even though they clearly bugged me after the assault), and refused to get a job so he could smoke weed all day.  My parents urged him to prove himself (he was out of high school by this time), and when I eventually took their side and gently nudged him along, he said “You are in a relationship with me, not your parents.  Its either me or them.”  Red flags six through ten right there.

When I managed to break it off with him, a ‘friend’ apparently took his side.  This is the girlfriend in the “His Reaction to Your Ex(es)” post(s).  This friend was actually an adopted cousin of mine, and we were not on speaking terms at this point because she had taken my first bf’s side, saying that *I* had to forgive him and that I was in the wrong for not wanting to talk to him or accept his half-assed apologies. (She was not at our school during the time me and that guy dated so she literally knew nothing).  I cut her off because of that.  Turns out she had a massive crush on the dude and he was already taken by someone else.  

So, this same chick sides with the second bf, telling people that I’m the one who hurt him and whatnot.  I come to find out that him and her are now dating and honestly, it is hilarious.  Even I think she deserves better.  He has no future, and I came to realize that, knowing that if i stayed with him longer I would have 100% actually killed myself, or died spiritually.

So yeah, that’s my story, hopelessly in love with fictional characters now because I am too traumatized by what they have done.  I cannot be touched sexually without reverting to a depression or an anxious mess.  Even if I did manage to be in a relationship after that, I don’t think I’d ever be able to have sex with someone. And finally I cannot have a healthy relationship, because what is that, really?  I’m just gonna live alone with some goats LOL.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #433

“i really wish that you could help, but my head is like a carousel: i’m going ‘round in circles”

Would you rather visit Rome or Spain? Rome. Do you really care what’s going on in celebrities' lives? Depends on the person. If I have a big interest in them, like Mark, then yes, because I care about that person and want to know they're well. Have you ever broke a plate/bowl? Accidentally. Has anyone ever drunk called/texted you? I don't think so. Can you do a backwards London bridges? Hell no, I'd bust my ass and spine. Are any of your pets “overweight”? Why the quotations? But anyway, no. Has anyone ever bought you a ring? Yeah. What has been the most traumatic experience of your life? Does it still bother you? The breakup with my first real bf. And well yeah, it resulted in PTSD. It sounds so overdramatic, I know, but I'm not even remotely exaggerating. Live a day in my head and tell me it's not actual trauma. If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today? God no, not right now. I am not in a position to be married right now. Think back to your most important relationship, was it all your fault it’s over? My damaged side wants to say yes, but I know to be realistic, we both failed in unique areas. He didn't communicate, and I just put too much weight on him. What was your first alcoholic drink? A Mike's Hard Lemonade. What were the first lessons you ever took? Ummm I want to say choir? Did you ever go to a mental hospital? Multiple times. Do you believe that weed should be legalized? Yes. Have you ever had a significant other with a mental disorder? Yes. If you could transform into something, what would that something be? Uhhh idk. Maybe a cat? Out of 10, (10 being really shy) how shy are you? Oh, easily a 10. When was the first moment you discovered love? I actually don't really know the moment I realized I was in love w/ Jason. It was a gradual thing, so no one occasion stands out. What’s the best mistake you’ve ever made? Well, I suppose accepting Jason's Facebook friend request because I thought he was a different Jason. I can't think of many good mistakes I've made... Even the one I mentioned, it's debatable how good that one was. I really do wonder how different my life would be if I declined it. What do you think of frogs? I love frogs! They're so cute and derpy. :') Who did you last worry about and why? My cat, because he was apparently hiding somewhere and Mom couldn't find him. Who did you last feel sorry for and why? Sara, because of health stuff she's dealing with. Is there a name that you can’t stand but it’s the name of a loved one? It sucks, I feel like this burning in my stomach a lot of the time when I hear "Ashley" because that was Jason's girlfriend after me. But I have a sister with the same name. Are you currently looking for a new place to live? I'm not, and I don't think Mom actively is, though we both want to move. When did you last make up a baby’s bottle? I don't think I ever have. Well... maybe once? idr Do you believe there’s a devil? No. Have you ever felt an earthquake? No. Have you ever been on an island? Yes, actually. Did you watch the last presidential inauguration? I've never watched one. Have you ever been a fan of The Killers? I don't consider myself a true "fan," no. I only like two songs that I know. Do you have your own lighter (why or why not)? No, because I don't need one? Do you believe in miracles (why or why not)? No. I just don't. Everything has the have a cause and reason. How often do you sleep naked? Never. Are you looking forward to your prom? If you already went, how was it? I went twice, and it was fun. I especially loved having the pictures taken that I regret wiping from the face of the earth. Prom itself was pretty bland each time, like you can't hear shit and they just play awful music, but still. I was a teenager with a very fairytale outlook on love and wanted to just feel like I was in one I guess. Do you prefer Quizno's or Subway and why? I don't think I've ever tried Quizno's, actually. What’s one of your best memories from during a rain storm? I don't know. Why did you need your most recent x-ray and what were the results? It was to see if I broke my foot, I think? If that's the one, then no. I also had my legs x-rayed at some point to see if they could find any damage there because of my extreme weakness in them, but there wasn't. Do people more often mistake you as being younger or older than you are? I actually don't know. Have you ever made out with someone you weren’t dating? No. Do you know anybody who was abused? Yes. Have you ever touched an elephant? No. How many siblings do you have? I have five I "count," but I do have another half-sister on my dad's side that I don't know. I want to, but yeah... it just hasn't happened. Do you get bored of your girlfriend/boyfriend easily? I've never gotten bored of any s/o I've had. Who do you want for president? I voted for Biden. Do you think abortions are horrible? No. Forcing someone to undergo what can easily be considered a traumatic experience is horrible. Do you enjoy drama? Ugh, no. Have you ever had a guinea pig for a pet? I've had a few. Were you/are you popular in school? No. I was very much under the radar and mostly stuck to myself and a small group of friends. What brand clothing do you wear the most? No clue. Have you ever studied any new age or occult religions such as Wicca? Yes, actually, when I was leaning towards Neo-Paganism. I did research into some of its branches, such as Wicca. Are you a wrestling fan? Not at all. I honestly think it's dumb. What’s the longest movie you’ve ever watched? I want to say Troy? It never felt THAT long to me though because I love it. Have you ever been on a subway? No. Do you think spending a ridiculously large amount of money on one designer item is stupid? It sure as hell isn't for me; I lean towards people can spend their hard-earned money on whatever they want, BUT I do feel that they could still spend their money on more important things. Do you find baths relaxing? No, they gross me out. Do you have any hats? I probably still have the hat Dad got me at a Carolina Hurricanes hockey game somewhere, but idk where. Has any part of your house ever been flooded? Not on the interior, no. Have you ever been interested in learning about murderers or murder cases? Not especially. Is there anyone that you’re worried about right now? Who and why? I'm just about praying Sara's new med for her POTS helps. I think me worrying how Jason is doing after his mother's death is gonna be a permanent fixture in the back of my head... If you won a lot of money, would you donate any of it? To what organization would you donate it? Oh, absolutely. I'd have to do some research first, but the Trevor Project comes to mind immediately, as well as ones that protect wildlife, help the mentally ill, fight cancer... Are you a competitive person? What are you most competitive about? Not really, no. I have my areas where I'm more likely to feel it than others, but it's generally mild. I'm not too sure what I'm most competitive about, but maybe outdoing other hunters in WoW since that's my main class that I've played religiously for years. Have you ever adopted a stray animal? Yes. What do you appreciate most about your parent(s)? The fact they somehow still support me even though I'm like... this. I feel like I should've exhausted their faith by now. Do you believe America should legalize drugs? If you think they should legalize only some drugs, which drugs do you think they should legalize? I only support the legalization of weed. What is your biggest turn-off of a person (besides physically)? Arrogance, probably. Or being aggressive/explosive. What song cover do you like better than the original? "Sound of Silence" by Disturbed, for one. That one's easy. If you could find one long-lost friend of the past, who would it be? Megan. I want her to know I forgive her and miss her friendship. What holiday do you enjoy the most? Christmas. (: Were you born in the state you live in? Yep. Have you ever lived in a house that has been broken into? No, but almost. Who do you know that watches the most sports? Probably my dad? Idk. Do you like South Park? Not really. Are you good at bowling? No. Made out for more than 3 minutes? Three minutes is nothin' lmao. Have you ever gone snorkeling or scuba diving? If yes, what’s the coolest thing you’ve seen? No, but I'd love to. What’s your favorite filling in chocolates? Caramel. What do you remember from sex ed class when you were younger? Abstinence was the only option. Heteronormativity. What’s the first instrument you ever played? Ha, a recorder back in elementary school. Have you ever had a friend break up with a bf/gf for you? Essentially. We didn't date, but that's why he broke up with her, because he wanted me instead. Do you see a bright light at the end of your tunnel? I don't like thinking about this. I can only hope there is, but I doubt it a lot. Have you ever waited in line overnight for something? No. Is there such a thing as being too rich or too poor? "Too poor" is very obviously a thing??? "Too rich" is more complicated to me, as I can see both sides to it. Like it's your hard-earned money, but at the same time, is it really necessary at a certain point? Like start donating regularly or something. Do something good. Do you think having an expensive phone is a good investment? Depends on how expensive, I suppose, and what you use it for. What’s your largest bill? Electric, gas, phone, etc. I don't have any of my own bills. It's embarrassing by this age. Do you like your job? I'd like to even have a job... What is your favorite song and why? "False Flags" by Massive Attack, because it's so poetically haunting in its message of how fucked up politics are. Its monotonous tone also adds another layer of sadness to it, like a reminder of how "normal" and bland and unsurprising everything is, no matter how horrible... I could honestly probably write an essay on how I interpret the song, especially if you add in the incredible symbolism of such a simplistic music video. Are you introverted or extroverted? I am very introverted. If you’re married and your spouse cheated on you, would you forgive them? Nope, byeeeee~ Who knows the real you the most? Sara, really. How old is the oldest person you’ve had sexual relations with? He'd be 27 now. Have you been upset the past few days? My PTSD has been kinda vicious the past couple days, especially today. Then earlier at my nephew's b-day party I had to nearly bite my fucking tongue off with that family's political bullshit. My anger really flared up a few times hearing despicable shit, but I think I concealed it fine by just not saying a word. What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever thought of doing for a job? Nothing "crazy," really... Who was your first celebrity crush? Jesse McCartney had my young heart, ha ha. When did you last see or speak to someone you dislike? Why do you dislike this person? Today, at my nephew's aforementioned b-day party. I in specific don't like my sister's husband because he's sexist, racist, homophobic, bigoted... I could go on and on. We don't just have "different opinions," we have different morals entirely. When you listen to music, do you generally sing along, or just listen? I almost always just listen. I don't sing a lot. Can you remember the last time you felt emotional? What was the reason? Today. PTSD is a bitch. What if you were told that your life has to stay exactly as it is right now, and nothing will ever change? How would you feel about that? Quite honestly, I don't think I would want to live anymore. Have you ever been to the hospital for something really serious? I'd consider an OD on cold medicine to be serious, but then again, I experienced almost no effects from it. Idk if I just got fluids fast enough or what, but whatever it was, I'm thankful for. Are you excited for winter? UGGGHHHH BRING IT ONNNNNNN. Have you ever had a moment with someone you like that seemed like a movie moment? Many. What are you listening to right now? "Down In The Park" by Marilyn Manson. What’s your favourite flavour of iced tea? Tea is gross. Have you ever been to a casino? If so, which one(s)? No. Have you ever visited a sex shop? I haven't. Have you ever ridden a bicycle through a busy city? NOOOOOOOO. I could never do that. What’s your favourite place to get pizza? Literally Domino's, lmao. I am so basic. Do you have a lock number or pattern for your phone? No. There sure isn't anything important on it. What’s the most number of people you’ve ever lived with? Five.

#survey #surveys #random questions #lyrics: ''happy song'' by bring me the horizon

[domreaderrecs]

Oh boy do I have some kink discourse for you. Here’s a wholeass list:

1. A female dominant does not need to be a sadist who is always torturing and abusing their sub. They can be soft and kind and caring.

2. Findom is a valid form of domination and is really a kink, it is not just women faking it to get money.

3. Online domination is possible, although there are more risks involved, it is still a valid form of domination.

4. Submissive black men are allowed to refuse to be called slave and their dom shouldnt be annoyed they can’t used their preferred honorific.

5. Kink and fetishes can be incorporated without the use of the power dynamic found in BDSM.

6. BDSM is still BDSM if the rope is pink and the outfit is white lace instead of red and leather.

7. It should be standard practice for there to be a safe word that means everything is fine so that the Dom can check in on the sub easily without breaking the scene.

8. It is only BDSM when both parties have discussed before hand, otherwise it’s sexual assault (yes that includes Chad who brought out the rope without warning and now Bethany is just going along because she likes him)

9. BDSM has always and will always be driven by the LGBT community.

10. Under 18 year olds do not have a place in the BDSM community. If they wish to learn, then they should do so by finding articles and books, not by asking people involved in the scene.

Yeah that’s about it for now. I’m realizing you probably didn’t want this much but oh well. We’re here now. Let me know what you think!

whewww so much to unpack here lets go its essay time

1. !!!! this is probably one of the most fundamentally misunderstood parts of femdom. it don’t gotta be ball crushing and whipping and calling him a worm all the time, or even at all. this is probably what turns so many women off from trying it or thinking they might be into a more dominant role. gentle femdom is way more palatable for beginners and for me personally, just way more enjoyable (even tho i definitely would wanna make a boy cry from time to time)

2. I used to be one of those people who looked down on findom. I still don’t understand why anyone would be into it tbh but findoms get a lot of shit for no reason... being a sugar baby is so glamorized but if you’re a findom you’re cold, or a bitch, or taking advantage. even though they’re both just people who get money from men who have money to throw at them for sexual favors... but one’s demonized and one’s all the rage... hm i wonder why

3. I have no real/successful experience with this... more on that in number 10

4. 100000%!! the stories i’ve seen from black subs in kink (mostly black women but still) are horrendous. a lot of doms will try to enforce a master/slave relationship, and try to exercise their authority to make subs agree to it. i know it’s a common dynamic, but that shit is wayyyy different to black people... any dom should know that. forcing your sub to do anything is wrong, but especially something so racially, historically, and culturally insensitive. and don’t get me started on the surprise “race play” stories i’ve heard... like i said doing anything without your sub’s consent is wrong but THAT kind of thing requires double consent with a cherry on top. this is part of the reason I’m so scared to enter the kink scene... this shit scares me. thats why the title mistress and master/slave dynamics in general just isn’t for me. it makes me think of my ancestors :/

5. again, 1000% agree. i’ve said this on my blog before, but i’ll say it again. not everything has to be dom/sub stuff. if you wanna peg your bf you don’t have to tie him up and call him names or boss him around, you can just peg him. i feel like ever since FSOG this whole dom/sub thing has grown way out of proportion, but that’s a whole other essay for another day

6. yessss I hate the stereotype of dom outfits as black, latex, leather, way too high to walk in boots... like does it look fire?? yes of course but pink and lace and knee high socks would make a fit that’s just as fire. 

7. this is non-negotiable to me. whenever I hear someone say “I don’t like safe words” or “I/We don’t need a safe word” it’s just a red flag to me. idc what anyone says safe words are mandatory.

8. Yes. I feel like I shouldn’t have to say this but with the rise of the popularity of “rough sex” (again, thanks FSOG) there’s seems to be a rise in people who just assume their partner may be into something, or who just try to experiment on their partner without asking them first. I’ve heard a lot of friends and other girls talk about guys just going straight into choking them, spanking them, and pulling their hair without even asking if they like it (another reason I’m scared to get out there and do stuff, as a person who is very much not a sub or into being treated roughly or tossed around, it’s a big fear of mine). I’ve also seen a lot about girls just randomly trying to finger their boyfriends. If it’s not vanilla, and y’all haven’t discussed it, do not assume it’s on the table. We’ve gotten to a point that kinky stuff is so talked about and normalized (especially with young adults) that people forget it’s actually kinky. 

9. period.

10. okay so story time, around the age of 15/16 is when I started to realize I was into kinky stuff. The preference had kinda always been there, but I couldn’t really place a name to it. I had always felt like an outcast among my peers when it came to the way they would talk about romantic and sexual relationships (I was a year ahead, so all my friends were 1-2 years older than me, so they started to do that stuff earlier than I did) because the things they talked about and liked were way different from the stuff I would think/fantasize about, so I always stayed quiet (teenage girls are very vocal about having choking/daddy kinks but that’s definitely indicative of a much larger problem that i will not get into bc that’s a whole other very very long essay that I will definitely write on here one day but not now). So when I found out what gentle femdom was I felt like I had a community that understood me, and everything just clicked. I would lurk on online communities and I lived for the discourse on there but I could never actively participate because every community had a strict “no minors” policy. They would say exactly what you said, “If minors wish to learn, then they should do so by finding articles and books, not by asking people involved in the scene.” I didn’t want to make anyone catch a case and I didn’t want to get targeted by predators so I tried to follow their advice. i found nothing. There honestly just isn’t that much educational stuff for “kinky teenagers”, or at least none that fit me. There was no femdom oriented stuff. I mean sure there was the standard “consent is important especially in bdsm relationships” but like that didn’t really help me. I had so many questions, that I could never feel comfortable asking my mom or a therapist, and especially not my friends. I didn’t know how to express this part of myself. I couldn’t talk to anyone about it and I couldn’t even watch porn like a normal teenager (we all know the state of femdom porn. its bad) so I was this ball incredible frustration and confusion and i didn’t know what to do with it. So I unfortunately turned to twitter. There I made a little like minded friend. he was also 16 so i thought “this is good, a non adult also kinky teenager who I can relate too. what could go wrong :)”(I’m sure you see where this is going) I was so excited to have a new friend, but ofc, our convos soon took a turn. However, since he was the first person to ever show interest in me, and the only person my age who i could talk to who understood me, i started to catch feelings. But he was a teen just like me, just as horny and confused and sooo immature. He started to pressure me into domming him/becoming his domme, but I refused because I wasn’t ready (i saw on one of those online communities I used to lurk in that its not healthy for your first sexual experience to be bdsm and I took that to heart). he ghosted me. needless to say that “friendship” was toxic. i realized too late that he only saw me as a kink dispenser, and didn’t care about me on a personal level. it also made me realize how not “mature for my age” I was. i say all this to say, NO, teenagers should not be participating in kink. they are not mature enough. however education and resources for them are not where they should be. if we want to discourage them from putting themselves in these situations, we need to better provide them with education and healthy ways to relieve these urges/feelings (i eventually took up writing, it helped me a lot). i feel like had i found a healthier and safer way to express/explore that side of myself, I would’ve never gotten in that situation to begin with. That experience has kinda put me off from dipping my toe into the actual community (well that and the lack of diversity but we’ve already talked about that)

ALSO the amount of very young children i’ve seen in the kink “community” on twitter is alarming... you’re not a little you’re 12

anyways, thanks so much for this essay of an ask and sorry i wrote an essay in response to each one lol but like I said I could discuss kink all day

#thanks anon #thanks shel #more kink discourse #thoughts

[slashingdisneypasta]

Hello! If you don't write for this kind of stuff just ignore me. You know that scene in the first Scream movie where Casey gives the wrong answer and her boyfriend Steve is murdered? What if reader is in same situation, but they gave a wrong answer on purpouse 'cause their bf is abusive or something and they want to get rid of him? Love your writing btw

Thank you! ^^ I hope this is what you wanted (:

~~~

Liam sits in a chair, with rope tied all around him and the back of the seat. 3 ropes are tied to the back of his seat, actually, and they’re attached to the fence separating the backyard from the porch. In front of Liam, is a little, 30’ by 30’ container, holding about 3 inches of some kind corrosive looking liquid.

The kicker, is that Liam’s chair is sitting on an angle, with just the two front legs on the ground, so if the ropes tied to the fence in front of him are cut, or loosen… he goes face first into the acidic liquid.

“O-oh my god,” I breath, turning the porch light off on accident once I’ve seen it and then fumbling to turn it back on. “Liam!” I force a shaky hand up to my mouth, wanting more then anything to just turn the light back off and forget I saw it, and hating myself for it. Being strong, I just look away and back into my house, ignoring the sounds Liam makes as he frantically tries to escape the ropes and the chair, plastic chair legs scraping on the porch and causing anxiety to race up 16 thousand levels in my chest. I put the phone back to my ear, feeling the way my fingers shake around it on my face, making me quite aware of how scared I must appear. “… what are you going to do to him?”

“I think you know.”

That teasing lilt pisses me off, so I snap. “Who are you?”

“Now, let’s not be rude, bitch. I might get mad, and not give you a chance to save your boyfriend.” I can, I can hear my heart beating. In my ears. Like running water when you’re under the surface in a pool. Its so loud, and so fast, and it nearly drowns out everything else. “If you manage to not to piss me off, we can play a game. Winner takes all.”

“You, you mean… “Slowly, shakily, I lower myself onto a chair, but don’t manage to get comfortable. I just sat down because I’m so scared my legs felt like they were about to give out, but now I’m stuck in one position with fear. “Our lives… “

“Very clever. Now, the rules of the game. I’m going to ask you some simple questions- Horror movie related, since you said you liked them so much… And if you get them right, I wont gut Liam. If you get them wrong, I get kill you both. Sound fair?”

“Ah… sure… “What else can I say?? ‘Ah no, scary telephone murderer, that’s not cool with me. Can we do this another time?? I’m a bit TRAUMATISED.’.

“Awesome! Here’s your first question- if you get this wrong, I’ll cut one of the ropes keeping his chair from tilting right into the nasty looking liquid there. Okay! Easy goes it, right? Here’s it is; Which horror movie, subgenre Slasher, is set in a town called Haddonfield?”

“Hal-Halloween. Michael Myers,” I stutter, immediately, not really thinking about it. If I win this, Liam and are still together. If I lose… I don’t have to deal with him anymore. He can’t hurt me. Ever, again.

“Ding Ding Ding! We have a winner! Never let it be said I’m a sore loser, so here! I’ll tell your boy toy to stop wriggling around so much.”

Glancing back at the porch, I watch Liam freeze in his panicked movements and go absolutely stiff, which I understand means this crazy ass has snapped at him to stop moving. I can understand, why he froze. Every word coming from this person’s mouth sounds painful.

“Th-thanks.” I force it out, and I don’t even no why. I don’t need to pretend to love him here, but its ingrained in me. Not to let anyone know I hate him.

“Sure, doll! Now, second question! Remember, if you get this one wrong a rope gets cut! Captain Elliot Spencer became… ?”

“Pinhead.”

Why did I say that?!

“Maybe I should keep you around for longer, you know you’re stuff! Of course, then I wouldn’t get to kill you… which would be such a downer. Nevermind! Just, good job!”

“… thanks… “

“Okay now, flash round! Meaning, I get to add a fun new consequence to this last question! Don’t worry, I’ll stay fair. True to my original word, if you get this one right, you and Liam here can stay safe. I’ll leave. But, if you get this one wrong, I cut all the strings.” He must hear the clip in my breathing- that or he’s completely mad, because he starts laughing. When he’s done, the rough, painful sound in my ears dying down to a sigh, he asks the question. He asks a question, and I make a decision. “Which Final Girl actress plays herself, in one of her Slasher flicks?”

I know that one. I love the Nightmare movies, I own them all. I know this answer.

But still, “Uhh… ah… “As if I’m still deciding whether to kill my boyfriend, I stutter a mess of scared, ‘I don’t know sounds’, before biting into my lip so hard it hurts, and immediately letting go. I take the plunge. “Um, Sally Hardesty?”

The voice pauses for a effect, then suddenly, before I’m ready the ropes get cut and Liam’s face goes smashing into the sizzling the liquid, making me scream. “Wrong!! Haha, now wait for me right there- “

Quickly, as if I’m taking it back or forgot the real answer instead of just lied to kill a guy, I say the right answer. “Heather Langenkamp, as Nancy Thompson in the Nightmare on Elm Street Series. Sp… Specifically, New Nightmare. Was it? Am I right?”

The silence on the other end of the phone nearly doesn’t occur to me, as I watch in equal parts horror and… a macabre version of relief, Liam’s shirt get eaten away by the substance- because I cant make myself look at his face. Finally, the murderer speaks up again. “… What?”

“I-in New Nightmare, the killer becomes real and goes after the actors-“

“I know that!” He snaps, making me close my mouth a shut up. I’m still shaking, but not because I’m scared anymore. Because I just killed someone. “You knew that the whole time- “

“No-No! I didn’t! I just remembered- “

“Don’t lie to me, bitch!” My heart beat skips, I swear, from fear at his furious words. “… Why… did you say Sally Hardesty?”

I stay silent this time, not sure what I could say. Would the truth make him madder? Or will it give him some kind of insane, murderous satisfaction?

“You into some sick BDSM shit? You get off on this? Because I think you went a little far-“

“No! I-I… “I cross my arms tightly across my chest, still fully aware that this psycho intends to put a knife in my neck, thinking of the bruises leading up my spine right now. Bruises that will never get touched again. They’ll quickly heal, and disappear, and I’ll be normal again.

He won’t be able to hurt me anymore.

“Who we killed, he… “I whisper into the phone. “You did a public service.” 

I’ll let you decide whether they kill you or not. ^^ 

[aosxra]

manhwa recs of the daddy issues variety

its ya boi back again after many years of hiatus - almost forgot that this existed but hey i’m back - let’s get to it

in my attempt to escape reality, i’ve delved into the unescapable hole of isekai reincarnation mangas, and just thought i should at least do something with my time and get back to doing rec lists :’) in particular, the daddy issue manhwas, or mangas?

specifically, those stories where someone from our modern era reincarnated into the body of some tyrant’s daughter - i think this might be slightly too specific to make a dedicated list but... well, i think there’s some things to be said about them. 

starting off with the GOD TIER: 

Who Made Me A Princess // holy shit i love this so much // i’m at chp 61

in the original novel, princess Athanasia gets killed by her dad (Claude) who is an absolute tyrant who has never acknowledged her as his daughter, and instead fawns (as much as he does) over this other girl who claims to be his daughter

now that MC is reincarnated, she is determined to not get killed by this dickhead of a father and decides to run away w valuables asap, but is forced into a situation where she might be forced to suck up to him instead //

the art is super good & you actually feel for the characters, like they are somewhat relatable or at least you can sympathise with them. MC isn’t super dumb af & her tyrant father doesnt do anything OOC (aka become a useless fawning idiot dad once he warms up to her) plot is somewhat slow but at an acceptable pace, it doesn’t feel rushed or disjointed... i just rly like it damn it 

& ALSO romance isn’t forced down your damn throat (even tho i do have ships alrdy) because they are still kids after all, and something that i super appreciate is that MC doesn’t go on about how handsome her dad is... like she does acknowledge that he’s handsome but it’s not like omg dude my dad is so handsome, i can’t sleep when his face is super near mine!!!!!! ///

(unfortunately this is where my good recs stop, but i’m just gna add the other manhwas of this variety, just to acknowledge that they exist, but just as a side note - i don’t really recommend these lol feel free to disagree, but also! there might be spoilers below)

daughter of the emperor // nope 2/10 // art is meh, story is also meh

lowkey same premise as who made me a princess except not as well developed...? I enjoyed it way more when she was a kid but after a while she kinda got on my nerves - she’s cute & all, mainly to gain favour from her dad but as she grows older, she starts to act like that around everyone

and she is totally ignorant as a princess & is not educated...? like i don’t really understand why. the plot keeps venturing off to weird ass tangents like an anime that caught up with the manga and has to resort to bad filler arcs. the time skips are hella odd too but ya know, i dropped it after awhile, i might just be biased and directly comparing it to WMMAP lol maybe i should give it another try

if i remember correctly too, i think she also goes on about how her dad is handsome????? idk it bothers me 

they say i was born a king’s daughter // wtf/10 // nope nope

before being reincarnated, MC had a loving bf & died w regrets that she didn’t properly love him back or smth like that THEN she gets reincarnated into a world where women are treated like absolute SHIT, and she’s the daughter of a king (tbh i don’t know whether he can be called a tyrant because judging by the standards of her reincarnated world, he’s normal...?) oh and also males are superior because they can use magic

so she basically tries to not live a shit life by sucking up to the males in her life aka her 2 brothers 

other than the fact that it’s super uncomfortable to read the super misogynistic world building, it’s ok-ish at first? even though it’s weird how her brothers & dad just basically falls in love with her rather quickly (her brothers in a...maybe not so platonic way, who tf knows), the series is somewhat OK right up till season 3

i think they switched the writer/artist (?) when it came to S3 and it really shows:

1. they like to use a certain way to tell the story, like start off with a foreshadowing and cuts to a flashback, and after awhile it gets predictable and idk it broke the storytelling for me personally

2. the story took a very very VERY weird ass turn - i guess the story before might have been building up to it but... ????????? i’m so fucking confused so i dropped it like 10 chapters into S3 

i was born as the demon lord’s daughter // tbh too soon to really tell

currently i’m only 4 chapters in but time will tell... BUT SO FAR

(stealing the summary from manganelo because 4 chapters can’t tell me shit) Joara lived and died miserably, but as her life ended she realized that she was reborn as the demon lord’s daughter? Joara lived as the school’s loser and while running from her aunt’s physical abuse she got into a life-ending car accident. After nearly dying at the hands of her new father, the newly named “Irene” starts a new life with her father’s familial love and adventure!

it’s ok? maybe? slight complain that babies don’t look like actual babies but what do i know, i can’t draw for nuts //

it feels like there might be a plot going on but i can’t tell? it’s just here because ya know, daddy issues & he’s a demon lord, though he seems to dote on her quite a bit AND ALSO she will go on about how her dad is handsome, which i guess if a grown ass woman were to go back and see cute guys around you without really comprehending that he’s your dad...maybe???? idk???

ok i’m done peace out // feel free to argue w me or if you have other recs, pls lmk i need more 

#manga #manhwa #mangarecs #reclist #aosxra #daughter of the emperor #who made me a princess #i was born as the demon lord's daughter #they say i was born a king's daughter

[buckywintersoldierbarnes2017]

A Hidden Pain - Part 16

Original request from @purplekitten30​: Could you please write a Bucky x reader where she works as the teams assistant? She’s got a violent bf but no one knows about it until he assaults her at one of Starks parties. Bucky steps in and kicks his ass. He helps her move out of her place to live with him since he’s got his own floor at the tower.

Note: I genuinely cant believe this request is still going! I thought it may have been coming to an end but then another idea struck me so I guess I’ll continue until it either comes to a natural end or you all get bored <3

Bucky x Abused!Reader Words: 1,579

Disclaimer: GIF used is mine <3

A Hidden Pain Masterlist

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PREVIOUSLY

He was trying to be his usual self, attempting to make a joke out of what was actually a serious situation, but there was still a big part of him that was deeply concerned for his friend. Whether Steve admitted it out loud or not this whole thing wasn’t just about you and Bucky anymore….it was about you, him, AND Steve.

“She’s been through so much already, more than anyone deserves to, and so has Buck. They need each other. I refuse to take that away from either one of them.” He unwrapped the support bandages that had been around both of his hands and threw them into the bin nearest to him, his eyes only now looking over at Sam. “…and I sure as hell won’t allow you to either. It doesn’t matter how I feel after that time I spent with her….what matters is that she’s happy.”

“Ste-”

“I’m serious Sam. Just drop it. That year she only had me is over now. Well and truly.”

                                       * * * * * * * * * * 

The sun was barely even creeping through into the morning sky but already you were wide awake and sat at the breakfast table - not that you could even stomach a single mouthful of the cereal in front of you, instead it just sat there becoming a sorry mess. You had barely slept that night and your constant tossing and turning had started to disturb one of the rare restful nights Bucky had...this was the day you had been dreading.

They were moving Josh to a different facility out of state.

You should have been happy at the thought of him no longer being in the same building as you, that there would be hundreds of miles between you, but the bad feeling gnawing away at your stomach wasn't allowing you to have a more positive outlook. For a long time, Josh had always been one step ahead of you so what if-

"Nothing is going to happen today."

Your ever-growing paranoid thoughts were interrupted by only the second voice in your life that radiated calm and collected enough for you to feel it yourself, even if it was just temporarily. A soft smile lit up your fatigued face as you turned in your seat to face him.

"I wish I could be as confident as you are Steve, but I've just got this horrible feeling..." At the mention of it you felt your stomach tightening even more. "...I know he's going to be far away but at least when he was here, I knew where he was. Being hundreds of miles away he could escape, and I wouldn't know until, well, until he found me."

Steve's facial expression contorted into a slight frown as he took a seat in the chair next to you, his hands immediately encompassing yours as he squeezed them gently.

"He will not get away; do you hear me? Buck will be there, and hell would freeze over before he let that man escape. He won't even be able to so much as blink without him knowing about it."

You knew his words were supposed to comfort you but knowing that Bucky was going to be anywhere near him again made you feel sick to the stomach. He wanted to make sure he got to where he needed to be but that didn't make you feel any better about the situation.

"Steve..." There was a tremble in your voice as the emotional battle inside of you started to spill out. Your grip on his hands tightened as though your sanity depended on holding onto him. "...wh-when will all this be over?"

It was impossible to stop the tears now but before a single one trailed down your cheek you found your face buried in the super soldier's firm chest as he pulled you into an almost crushing hug. His own heart seemed to beat just as fast as yours, his breathing off its usual rhythm, it was breaking him seeing you in such distress, but your own emotions were too heightened to notice.

"Just let it out [y/n], I'm here, it's okay."

The words Sam had spoken to him in the gym a few weeks back played out in his mind as he felt you heaving with your sobs.

“You know, for a super soldier you are SUPER stupid.”…

…”Just tell her.”….

He shook his head almost violently to get the words out of his mind, wishing that they had never been spoken in the first place, he hated that he would never be able to have you in the way that he wanted but having the odd moment alone with you was all he needed….making sure you knew you were loved and looked after was all he needed….Sam’s idea would just have to be erased completely.

His lips pressed down onto the top of your head, a hand travelling up into your hair, as a single tear fell from his own eye.

“You’re safe with me and you always will be.”

                                       * * * * * * * * * *

If looks could kill Josh would have been dead ten times over with the stare he was currently receiving from Bucky. They were sat at opposite sides of the van to each other with guards on both sides and despite still being within arm’s reach the little cretin still wasn’t as close as Bucky wanted him to be….he wanted to feel his neck crushing underneath his fingertips; wanted to see the life escape his eyes, the least he deserved after everything he did to you was to die solely and painfully at the hands of the men who truly loved you.

Anyone else would have been scared out of their very pants if they’d had an ex-assassin staring at them in such a way, especially one that had murdered hundreds of people over the decades, but Josh didn’t so much as flinch. There was  twitch though, right in the corner of his lips, as they slowly contorted into a malicious smirk – even now, with nowhere to go except a cold dank cell for the rest of his life, he refused to show any kind of remorse for the things that he had done. If it wasn’t for the guards Bucky would have made sure he was incapable of showing that nasty little smirk of his.

“They really did a number on you didn’t they?” If he couldn’t do anything to him physically then he was at least going to try and get into his head. “They saw a pathetic piece of scum like you and used you without you even realising what they were doing.” Now it was Bucky’s turn to flash a wicked smirk. “Where are they now huh? Your new friends? Ah, yes, that’s right….they’re feeding you to the wolves because they have no more use for you.”

He leaned himself closer, clasping his hands together on top of his knees, the road grew a little bumpier and yet not even this caused his stature to falter. His eyes remained locked on Josh.

“They got you to do their dirty work and not only did you lose [y/n] but you lost your freedom too.”

It was only your name that gained any kind of reaction out of Josh, a sadness enveloping his eyes as he swallowed down hard at the lump that had formed in his throat. It was the only bit of emotion Bucky had ever seen in the man and it took him by surprise far more than he would have liked, lowering his defences ever s slightly, and it was in that very moment he witnessed just how quickly his emotions could switch as a more sinister look took over the sadness that had once been so evident.

“Oh I will never lose [y/n], trust me, I have taught her far more about this world than you and your pathetic superhero friends ever could and it won’t be long before she realises what side she needs to be on……” The van slowed to an unexpected stop causing the guards to look towards the front where the driver was. “….the side that always wins…..” His handcuffs fell to the floor with a loud thud reminiscing that of the moment an escapologist would succeed in his escape. “….the invincible villains.”

Before he, or any of the guards, could do anything to react a blinding white light incapacitated every one of them before a deafening explosion rang out around them, ripping the vehicle apart.

                                       * * * * * * * * * *

Your emotions had finally overcome you as the sun began to make it’s way into the sky. although he hadn’t fallen asleep himself he had stayed with you, his arms never once leaving you as he kept you wrapped inside a protective cocoon. His blue eyes watched closely as your chest rose and then gently fell back down again, making sure you were having the restful sleep you needed, having to fight hard to stop his feelings from growing.

When his own eyes started to surrender to the world of sleep your body shot upright as a horrified scream erupted from you. If the residents of Stark Tower hadn’t been awake already then they certainly were now as your scream continued on without you taking so much as a breath.

 Something was wrong.....something was really wrong.

                                       ~~~~~~~~~~

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Story tag list: @magellan-88 @bexboo616@kuren-chan@sebstanwassup @evyiione @imstuckyonyou @luv-what-you-do @chipilerendi@gimmebuckysloveorelse@snapplejuice@deepnachodelusion@irunintospace @kika-doll @livelaughlove1122@unicorntrooper@superwholockian5ever @alisible @lkcarts@phanficblr @kitten-q-p @violetthoughts97 @ania-swissweet

#a hidden pain #bucky x abused!reader #marvel imagine #the avengers #steve x reder #hydra #bucky x reder #bucky barnes imagine #steve rogers imagine #sam wilson #stark tower #winter soldier #request #answered #buckywintersoldierbarnes2017 #james buchanan barnes #shield #captain america

[imagined-comfort]

Update: Current Requests!

Hello Loves!

Here’s the list of requests I have currently in the inbox, in the order to be answered:

V (Devil May Cry) - Comfort - You’ve been working out so that you can feel more comfortable with yourself to cosplay as Nico. But you’re body hurts, and you’re afraid you won’t be able to reach your goal.

Hector and Alucard - You wanted to say thank you, for encouragement for Nanowrimo.

Peridot (Steven Universe) - Comfort - You recently got into your first romantic relationship with your closest friend, and you’re confused. There’s drama from meeting up with old friends and you’re overwhelmed.

Fenris (Dragon Age 2) - Comfort - Your motivation this time of year always seems to be almost non-existent, and everything seems exhausting.

Leonard “Bones” McCoy - Comfort - Your bf says to “don’t knock it till you try it” about sex, and part of your brain wants to try sex, part of you doesn’t. Your bf says we’ll know where you stand if you don’t.

Lyon (Fire Emblem 8) - Comfort - You’ve been feeling a bit hopeless, and you feel a lot of pressure on you to do well in school, but its hard because of your mental illness

Hector (Castlevania) - Comfort - Life feels like it’s kicking you in the nuts, and nothing is going your way. You just want a bit of comfort.

Leonard “Bones” McCoy - Comfort - You and your BF broke up, and he said something disrespectful. You just need a bit of reassurance.

Julian Devorak - Comfort - You feel that the church is splitting into two different sections. 

Vax’ildan (Critical Role) - Comfort - You’re feeling a bit hopeless about the future, and you wonder if you’re going to be able to handle yourself in the world on your own.

Gladio and Prompto - Comfort - Growing up in a toxic home has made it so when anyone yells, you run away and hide. You wish you had a thicker skin to deal with things. TW: Past Abuse

Young!Eraqus (Kingdom Hearts 3) - Encouragement - You’re doing your best to get your GPA up, and you want just a push forward. 

Percy de Rolo - Comfort/Advice - The holidays are adding to your stress, and anxiety is getting in the way. 

Garrus Vakarian (Mass Effect) - Comfort - You’re feeling stressed out, your dad is sending you mixed signals on things and your new boss feels like they’re micromanaging you. You’re angry, insulted, and 100% done.

Shota Aizawa (My Hero Academia) - Comfort - You’re having a difficult time due to an upcoming event at school that you know will put you in the same room with your past abusers. TW: Past Abuse

Fergus and Hansel (101 Dalmatians Street) - Comfort/Encouragement - You feel like you can’t enjoy doing anything outside of your comfort zone. You feel like, because you can’t, you’re wasting your life in a way.

Lucky and Mooch (101 Dalmatians: The Series) - Comfort - You’re needing help dealing with seeing disturbing pictures, especially of characters you care about.

Tony (Hotline Miami 2) - Comfort - You just went through a nasty breakup, and you were betrayed by a person you thought was a friend. You’ve got some changes coming up in your life and you just wanna feel safe and protected.

The Phantom of the Opera (Erik) - Comfort - You’re currently in group therapy and you fear lapsing into old habits, especially with an eating disorder. TW: Eating Disorder

Ravio (Legend of Zelda) - Comfort/Advice - You put others first, always, and it has lead people to expect things of you, and make fun of your insecurities. Everyday you think how easy it would be to just end it. TW: Suicide Mention

Loqi and Ravus - Comfort - You keep telling yourself ‘next year will be better’ but it’s almost like instead things got worse. You’ve had to deal with a lot of suicidal thoughts but you want to be better. You need some hope/positivity TW: Suicide Mention

Isaac (Netflix Castlevania) - Comfort - You feel lonely, you want to be happy but at the same time, with what’s going on in your life you wish you didn’t yearn for happiness either.

Date (Ai The Somnium Files) - Comfort - You’re unhappy with your living situation right now as you’re afraid of your sister. You hide in your room all day when she is home on the weekends. 

Prompto - Comfort - You tend to hide your insecurities and negative feelings behind a happy exterior.  You wonder, how Prompto managed to start trusting others. 

Jareth The Goblin King (Labyrinth) - Encouragement - You’re feeling overwhelmed and are trying to be more responsible with your own life.

Piers (Pokemon Sword and Shield) - Comfort - You’ve been having a hard time with looking at your old self harm scars, and others from past abuse. It hurts you to think that your siblings will look up to their big sister and think they should do it too. TW: Self Harm Mention, TW: Past Abuse

Illinois (A Heist with Markiplier) - Comfort - You’ve been struggling with your anxiety because your a gay trans man trying to join the army. You keep thinking your too old, too fat, and unwanted. 

Loki (MCU) - Comfort - you and your ex broke up weeks ago, but now he wants to do something that feels platonic but you fear old romantic feelings will get in the way, and you wonder what you should do.

Ignis and Prompto - Comfort/Advice - Ever single crush you’ve had has ended in hostility. They don’t like you back and have publicly humiliated you for it. You like yourself, so why can’t others?

Prompto and Ignis - Comfort - You feel like you don’t belong anywhere, and that hotlines and helplines don’t work. All you know is you feel unhappy and you want to end your life. TW: Suicide Mention

Prompto and Ignis - Comfort/Advice - You fucked up on a university project, and while there’s no actual consequences you’re upset that you failed that task.

Garrus Vakarian (Mass Effect) - Comfort/Advice - You’re going to move in with your brother, and your dad is giving you a hard time about what school you should go to instead of the one you want.

Prompto and Noctis - Comfort - You want a reason as to why you shouldn’t kill yourself. Not because it gets better, not because you have so much to live for, you want an actual fucking reason. TW: Suicide Mention

Admin Manda - Advice/Comfort - You want the admin to answer this one - you feel that you’ve fallen in love with someone that you feel could be the one, and it feels one sided. 

Kevin Riley (Star Trek: TOS) - Comfort - You’ve had an upsetting week, you have autism and the gloomy weather is causing you to feel even lower than normal. You feel sick anxious all the time. 

I hope to have these done for you soon. 

Thank you for your patience, and for letting me write for you!

Reminder: Blog is currently closed [Hiatus] for new requests until 1/31/20 

Much Love, ~Admin Manda

#Mod Update #update on current requests #requests currently in the inbox