#but ill definitely not be expecting more than soap opera quality from now on

[putschki1969]

About Me

So, this comes out of nowhere and it might seem pretty random to most of you. I do have a small “About Me” section so what exactly is THIS post about?.

Well, after my last visit to the canta per me forum a few weeks/months ago I realised that there are a handful of people dedicated to spreading lies about me and generally talking trash. It has also come to my attention that there are certain fans who have pretended to be all nice and friendly (whenever they wanted or needed something from me >_>) but they did some shit behind my back. For some reason, they secretly harbor a certain deep-rooted dislike/hatred towards me which they act upon by trying to make other fans turn against me (yeah, it’s as soap-opera-ish as it sounds ¬_¬ )

Now don’t get me wrong, this post is not meant to be about the people who do shit like that (which is why I am not addressing any of them by name - I am sure they know who they are). I have better things to do than to engage in childish "discourse” like that. The problem lies with them, not with me. They have already made up their mind. There is nothing I could do or say that would ever change their opinion of me...And why would I even bother to waste my time with that...?

This little (not so little) write-up is meant for everyone else in the fandom who happens to come across any of the lies and hate-comments about me on cpm. And it’s for those who have interacted with the people who are trying to sabotage me behind my back.

You have read and heard all kinds of stuff about me (some of it likely true, most of it decidedly not). Now I would like to use this opportunity to provide my side of the story. It’s something that’s long-overdue but so far I have not had the time to gather my thoughts. But today I felt this need to sit down and just talk about myself. I wanna be completely honest and open with you, give you some insight, clarify a few misconceptions. It’s easy to judge someone on the internet but really, how can you have an informed opinion if you base all of your assumptions on fragments of an online persona? We all portray a certain image and that rarely aligns with who we really are. And to make it worse, you only see bits and pieces of that persona, often taken out of context. So yeah, there is no way of knowing what’s behind all of that.

Some of you have a very glorified image of me, you see me as this altruistic, good hearted provider of content who can’t do any wrong. Others have a rather fucked up image of me, you see me as some sort of crazy, mentally-ill, contrived, spoiled and entitled bitch. Both of these images are very much distorted and they are not in accordance with the real me. I definitely do have more bad than good qualities (I am not ashamed to admit that) but I am not as awful as some people would have you believe. I’d be very happy if you took the time to read through my post. I know, it’s a lot to digest and it’s not gonna be all flowers and rainbows, please bear with me.

Without further ado, let’s get to it.

Here are the facts 〈(•ˇ‿ˇ•)-→

MY BLOG AND I

Let’s be real here, my blog is my baby, it’s my LIFE. It’s not something I casually do on the side when I feel like it. I am taking my work VERY seriously which means I am dedicating ALL OF MYSELF to whatever I am doing. I take a lot of pride in my work. I might even take this blog more seriously than my actual real life job which says a lot because I am very earnest about that as well. I always want to be efficient and provide good content as quickly as possible. To achieve that, I am putting quite a lot of pressure on myself which I will admit is probably not the healthiest thing to do. But that’s just how I am, I have always been like that. It’s all or nothing for me. I am a perfectionist in that regard. But really, it’s not the pressure I put on myself that’s troubling. It’s the expectations that others have of me that usually feel like a much bigger burden. When you are in a position like me where you are providing a lot of stuff for others, people start taking you for granted, they forget to say please and thank you, they start having certain expectations. And they are not shy about voicing those expectations. I have quite a few insecurities because even though I am a perfectionist I am FAR from being perfect. I know it’s not humanly possible to do EVERYTHING, ALL THE TIME. I simply lack the resources. I can’t be alert 24/7 because I need to sleep and work, I can’t offer as many translations as I would like to because they take too much time, I can’t offer you my own video rips because I don’t have the necessary knowledge or equipment to do so, I used to not be able to offer HQ scans because I didn’t have a good scanner, etc...  I am aware of these things and most of the time I can live with it but somewhere in the back of my mind there is a tiny voice telling me to do better, to be faster, to provide more content. The intensity of that inner voice varies a lot according to my mood and the overall situation but for the most part I can keep it in check. However, occasionally there is someone who feels the need to remind me of my “less than perfect blog” and that gives fuel to the little devil on my shoulder. It’s usually just a random comment like ...”I wish you would do more translations”, “It’s been so long since your last translation”, “You used to post much more frequently last year”, “These days you only post links and pictures but no translations”, “When will this video finally become available?” , “I will post new scans because the scans you posted were low-quality”, “This has already been discussed elsewhere hours ago”, etc...To the casual onlooker these statements may appear harmless enough, just a thoughtless comment without any bad intention behind it...But people don’t realise that there are a lot of subtle implications. It’s moments like that when I am reminded of my limits, of all my shortcomings and that’s not enjoyable. I take these things to heart (probably more than I should) and it inevitably causes me to put more pressure on myself. Often it triggers some sort of knee-jerk reaction where I become either very defensive or downright depressed (once again depending on my mood). I know this might be me being overly sensitive and I am not particularly proud of some of the reactions I have had to a few of those comments but I really can’t help it when it comes to things that mean a lot to me. However, I wouldn’t say that any of that makes me a crazy nut-case. In fact, I would suggest the people who accuse me of being “mentally ill” to question their own state of mind.  

I AM NOT A TEAM PLAYER

While the human-being is typically considered to be a social creature I am most certainly not. Socialising takes a lot of effort for me. I guess you could say I suffer from some form of social anxiety (or whatever you wanna call it) and I definitely have a few “issues”. I generally don’t refuse to be social if someone invites me but I would never actively seek out social interaction. I typically don’t initiate conversations, I don’t approach others, I don’t feel the need to interact or be intimate with others. Once again, it’s just how I have always been. It’s why I hesitate to take part in fan meet ups, it’s one of the reasons I prefer to have my own blog instead of joining a forum, it’s why I have turned down a couple of fellow fans who seem to have had a romantic interest in me, it’s why it often takes me forever to reply to messages in my chat, it’s why I have trouble doing seemingly simple things like leaving a reply to one of Hikaru’s tweets, etc...All of this probably makes me come across as very distant and unapproachable. Yes, it’s true, I do like to keep my distance but please don’t confuse my distant attitude with being rude. I am definitely not a rude person (unless I have my reasons). Having lived my entire life like that I have always been a bit of an outsider, I have never really relied on others. You could say that this has made me very self-centred and reclusive. I don’t like asking for help and I definitely don’t enjoy working in a team. I like to do things on my own, at my own pace and in my own way. Sharing work is really not my forte. One might even go as far as to say that I am quite possessive of my work, does that make sense? I think this heavily affects the things I do in this fandom. Some of you might have noticed already (and I think it came across quite well in my previous point), I have this crazy urge to do literally EVERYTHING by myself. I wanna do it quick, I wanna provide good quality, I wanna do things according to my aesthetics, to my “vision” if you will. If for some reason I can’t do that and someone else does it instead, it feels like I have failed. It feels like something has been taken away from me. I am self-aware enough to know that I shouldn’t think this way and that it is not one of my best character traits but alas, that’s how it is. I have learned to live with it. After all, this is a small fandom, I think reposts are excessive and needless so usually I am content with sharing whatever that other person has posted (unless it’s so all over the place or weird that I cannot bear the thought of having it on my blog). And of course I am realistic. I know there are certain things I simply can’t do so there is absolutely no reason to be bummed about other people doing it. I am more than happy to share your content. For example, if you post scans of something I do not own and have no plans of scanning myself then it doesn’t bother me at all...However, if it’s something I also own and planned to scan then chances are high I will get quite frustrated. [And if out of some sort of childish pettiness you insist on re-posting your own scans of something I have already scanned, then I will just be annoyed].  As I said, it’s not my best trait, I am very much aware of that but I would say these reactions are very human and not at all unusual. My behaviour cannot just be written off as a result of me being “anti-social”. I guess it’s for the most part a side-effect of me putting so much effort into my blog. All the time, energy and money I invest into this fandom, it sometimes becomes a bit much. If I am not able to have those efforts bear fruit by making posts (because someone else beat me to it) then that is very disappointing and discouraging... I don’t know what else to say about this. I hope I was able to explain myself...I just wanted those things to be out there so you know what’s going on in my head.

BEING RESPECTFUL

I will keep this part short since I have talked a lot about this topic in the past. People have accused me of all sorts of things. Of policing the fandom, of censoring opinions, of acting like some high and mighty holier-than-thou do-gooder. You can call me whatever you want if that makes you happy but fact is, I am simply trying my best to be a decent human being and to create a non-toxic environment for the thing I love. I am not a pacifist by any means, I actually do consider myself to be quite aggressive and confrontational. I also don’t generally mind swearing or demeaning language. However, there is a time and place for that and I don’t think it’s when you are talking about something you claim to love and respect. While I certainly do not ignore negative aspects or pretend like they don’t exist, I see no point in needlessly lingering on stuff that I don’t enjoy. I would much rather focus on the things I like and appreciate.  This might not be the case for everyone but I personally have been raised to be respectful. Of course respect has to be earned and by that I mean that respect is reciprocal. You reap what you sow. When it comes to your idols/favourite stars, etc, it’s a bit different since the “relationship” is one-sided. It’s often difficult for fans to see their idols as real human beings with real human emotions. They just see them as something unreal, something that’s only there to please them, a living and breathing product that’s meant to be consumed. Somehow they think that gives them the right to act inappropriately, to be demanding/rude/disrespectful or to cross lines. No, it does NOT give you the right. Please STOP! They ARE human. They DESERVE respect. You are not owed anything! Voicing your opinion is important and I am certainly not stopping anyone from doing it. But I like to create an environment on my blog that’s not filled with a ton of trash. With a bit of brain work and some common decency that’s easily achievable.

IT’S ALL ABOUT THE MONEY

People in this fandom have the weirdest assumptions about me when it comes to money. I often get messages asking me how I can afford all this Kalafina stuff and the regular traveling. I am constantly accused of bragging whenever I show pictures of my collection. People have literally called me a spoiled brat that wastes a lot of money because I post about all of my pricier Kalafina activities. I would like to clarify a few things here. First of all, I am not a brat, I would say that’s a term reserved for kids and younger people. I am 30+ so I definitely do not fall into that category! I am also not spoiled or rich. I have never been rich and sadly I will most likely never be rich. I have a pretty normal office job at a company. I don’t have any assets (except my Kalafina collection), there’s no chance that I will ever inherit anything substantial and I will probably be renting the same apartment for the rest of my life... I do consider myself to be lucky though. I live in Vienna which is a truly amazing city in a great country. We have health insurance, cheap and more or less high quality education, a great infrastructure with reliable public transportation, fair labour laws, etc... These things are certainly all in my favour but it’s not like any of that makes me “rich”. I have a stable income with quite a few benefits (free voice/data plan for my phone; heavily discounted data plan for my home; 2/3 off of my annual public transportation pass, etc.). In general, I have very few expenses. I live together with my mother so we split up all the fixed costs. I have no other obligations (such as cars, partners, kids, social outings or whatever) so the rest of my money I can spend (or not spend) however I want. Many of my followers are very young so you might not be able to imagine how one can afford all that merch and those trips to Japan but honestly, when you are working a full-time job at a good company, you do get a bit of money. And if your priorities are set straight you will have some money to spare once you have taken care of all your responsibilities. That’s how adult life usually works. I know many people are bitter about their own life situation and to compensate that feeling they like to lash out at others but really, just because you are unhappy doesn’t give you the right to try to make someone else feel bad about themselves. I am working hard to be able to afford my Kalafina obsession and I have reached a point where I can indulge without having to worry about falling into poverty. But don’t get me wrong, there is still a lot that’s out of reach for me. I will never be able to attend every concert, no matter how much I want to.  Last but not least, me showing my collection or me talking about my Kalafina experiences has nothing to do with bragging. I am NOT bragging. It’s just me being enthusiastic about the things I love. If you interpret it as bragging then that’s on you, not on me.

OBSESSIVE STALKER

I feel like to someone who does not know me very well, a few of my actions may seem like they are very excessive or overly obsessive - to the point of crossing certain lines. The fact that I dig in their past, the fact that I keep looking for and buying Kalafina clothes, the fact that I visit places the girls have visited and spend crazy amounts of money there (e.g. nail/hair salon), the fact that I do crazy things they have done (e.g. walk to Kamakura), the fact that I go to the airport to greet them, etc...some of these things can certainly be considered to be borderline “extreme”. But you have to realise that I don’t do things halfway. When I like something I fully commit to it. It’s my way of feeling “closer” to them I guess. And since I don’t really have a lot of other things to do in life (except work of course) I can invest all of my time, energy and money in it. Having said all of that, please be aware that I know my limits very well, in fact, I probably know them better than a majority of fans. As I have mentioned earlier, I place a lot of importance on respect, that entails never getting too close to them or intruding their privacy. When I happen to come across information that can be considered “too private” I will not share it. When I go to places they regularly visit, I make it a point to let the staff know in advance that I am a fan so they can make arrangements accordingly. It’s not my intenion to meet the girls in those places or to spy on them. When I actively seek out to “meet” them at a place like the airport for example I make sure to keep my distance, to be quiet/reserved and to tuck my phone away. There’s a reason I chose to do this with the fans in Taiwan. They are very respectful and they know how to behave so it doesn’t become an awkward or unpleasant experience for anyone [not all fans are as well behaved unfortunately, this is not something that can be done anywhere or with anyone so please keep that in mind!] Anyways, I enjoy the feeling of being connected to them via proxy. That’s more than enough for me. I don’t need to interact with them or have them notice me, for the most part I don’t even seek to convey my thoughts and feelings to them. I know there are many fans who write countless letters, who always comment on blog posts and write replies on Twitter/Instagram. I hardly ever do that. For one, I have trouble conveying my feelings. And secondly, I am just not really that expressive. Everyone channels their love differently, there are the ones that express it directly and with full-force and there are others (like myself) who express it in ways that are a little less “outward” (but equally intense).

PROJECT MAIYAIYA

This leads me right to my final point. I was surprised to see a lot of negativity in the cpm thread for this project so I thought I would address a few things. For those of you who might not know, this social media project took place last year on Christmas Day. It was meant as a chance for foreign fans to express their gratitude for Kalafina’s past achievements and support for their individual paths. Now apparently this caused quite the turmoil on cpm. I have rarely seen so much ignorance (borderline stupidity if we are being honest), so many misunderstandings, so much stuff taken out of context...If any of them had taken the time to actually READ my posts and COMPREHEND what’s being said in them, there wouldn’t have been so much drama. Then again, understanding what you are reading requires a certain amount of brain work, something certain people on cpm seem to have trouble with. Please let me clarify the whole thing once and for all because it’s really bugging me that there is so much shit being written about it (even if it’s so long in the past). First of all, go to this post I wrote and read it carefully. Every single word of it. That will be enough to realise that this project was none of the horrible things that were suggested on cpm. A couple of things are not mentioned in that post so I will quickly work through them. There is quite a lot of confusion regarding the origins of the project: Project Maiyaiya was NOT my idea. As I have been saying for this entire post, I am not the type to express myself in that way. I don’t need Kalafina to know my feelings or thoughts. So naturally, a project like that which involves reaching out to them on social media is not something I would have ever come up with by myself. Since it wasn’t my idea I also NEVER claimed it was my idea. I don’t claim other people’s work as my own, that’s not something I do. From the get-go I have said that this is a project someone on the Russian Kalafina VK page came up with. The former administrator of that site approached me and asked whether I would be willing to help him spread the word. He is one of the people who have expressed a romantic interest in me in the past so we have a slightly awkward history. At that point in time we didn’t have any contact and I was trying to stay away from him. So his request came kinda out of the blue. Long story short, he was very adamant about me posting about it so the idea would reach as many people as possible. However, for various reasons he didn’t want to be mentioned by name (not that his name would have meant a lot to anyone - at that time he had no longer been active on tumblr). After an hour-long back and forth, he convinced me that the project was actually quite nice. We discussed it a lot and while I did have some minor issues/reservations, I generally liked the idea and agreed to promote the whole thing. Thus, I became a sort of ambassador for the project. As always, I took it very seriously and put a lot of effort into it. I made many detailed posts on Tumblr, Facebook and Twitter. He also wanted me to post on cpm but I refused for obvious reasons. That’s why he ended up making a post and thus the chaos started. Maybe some of the misunderstandings can be attributed to language barriers? His English isn’t bad or anything but unfortunately he wasn’t able to explain himself very well and many questions remained unanswered. And of course lots of people on cpm aren’t English native speakers either so some confusion might have stemmed from that. They are also prone to interpret everything in a way that makes it easy for them to create drama (there is a high chance someone on cpm will dissect this entire post to talk some more trash about me for public entertainment). Anyways, I hope I was able to “defend the honour” of  Project Maiyaiya. I am taking it very personally when people are attacking it and making it seem like something it definitely wasn’t. I took responsibility when I decided to promote it. I wouldn’t have done that if I wasn’t 100% convinced of the project’s integrity.

•——————•°•✿•°•——————• 

All right, that’s it. THANK YOU so much for making it this far. Here’s your virtual cookie and a cute Kalafina gif

You now know quite a lot about me. If there are any other assumptions I failed to address here, feel free to send me a message/ask. I would really love to clarify as much as possible.

#kalafina #personal #random talking #my blog #canta per me #please read #about me #long text post #loooooong #fandom

[shoujosoulsearching]

Mars, AKA The Shoujo Manga with Too Much Emotional Baggage for One Woman to Carry

SPOILER WARNING!!!

The Roman god of war, Mars, was said to love violence and conflict--he was known as the embodiment of bloodthirst. Unlike his Greek counterpart Ares, however, who was considered to be more destructive in nature, Mars was seen as more of a protector, a bringer of peace.

With a title like Mars, one has to wonder what side of the Roman god is going to be showcased in the story: the bloodthirsty divine or the righteous guardian? For a shoujo manga, you’d expect it to go the latter, but upon reading Fuyumi Souryo’s fifteen-volume teenage melodrama, the answer to that question turns out to be much more complicated than you think.

The actual story itself has nothing to do with the literal god named Mars--he’s only explicitly shown in the first volume as a statue, which our playboy prince charming, Rei Kashino, approaches and kisses on the mouth. Kira Aso, our introverted and artistic leading lady, is infatuated with this sight and asks Rei to become a model for her to sketch during her free time. From that moment onwards, their relationship blossoms, and they both bring out things in each other that would have never been brought to the surface if they had never met.

While it has its fair amount of stereotypes what sets Mars apart from its contenders is the way the main couple is portrayed. Rei and Kira are individually appealing characters, and their qualities are only enhanced as they grow closer throughout the story.

Our leading man Rei is the first character that truly jumps off the page from the get-go. A motorcycle-riding playboy who couldn’t care less about school, Rei’s a boy with deep-rooted issues and a devil-may care attitude. He has an unmeasurable sense of justice, and while he has a sense of morality, he won’t always uphold it when the situation tests him. If he gets a bad feeling from someone, he will immediately turn to hostility--but only when the event pertains to something he wants, or something he cares about. He understands what the “right” thing to do is, but he doesn’t care. As long as he isn’t stopped by Kira or someone else’s plea, he will fix the problem in a way that satisfies him.

This type of violent behavior would usually be associated with a sociopath, but upon further inspection that turns out to not be the case. Most of Rei’s questionable actions come from a post-conventional reasoning, and it’s apparent that whenever he acts out it’s because he’s either been deeply hurt by something in the past or he’s afraid to lose what he cherishes in the present. I’m not at all justifying his actions, but the point is that Rei has never been a true monster, and whatever monstrous aspects he had to him were eventually blurred away by Kira (who was the first person to ever love him that wasn’t incredibly toxic.)

The main difference between a sociopath like Masao Kirishima and someone like Rei, is that Rei is just a teenager who’s been hurt one too many times and only knows how to self medicate using violence. He had never been policed for his actions in a proper way. As we learn in the last volume, his memories were altered during his time in the psychiatric ward to lessen his trauma. Once you look beyond his blunt and aggressive exterior, Rei is the most genuine character in the entire series. He’s just a teenage boy that’s been through too much hardship that he never deserved, and was never emotionally mature enough to handle all of it. He’s rightfully angry at the world--until he meets Kira.

It took time for our heroine to shine like her male counterpart did, but a few volumes in, Kira becomes a show-stopping character. Originally an immovable introvert only interested in painting and nothing else, Kira grows into her own loving, hopeful person. One of the things I appreciated the most about Mars was it’s portrayal of mental illness--nothing is never outwardly said, but it’s obvious that Kira had been going through not only anxiety but a deep, dark depression she can’t bring herself back from. The way Kira thought about death, the way she always put others needs before her own, etc, made her real and relatable to me on a personal level. I’ve had those same issues my entire life, and seeing Kira slowly and surely come into her own throughout each volume wasn’t just satisfying, was inspiring.

The most tantalizing reveal about Kira and why she acts the way she does is when we learn that she was raped by her stepfather in middle school. Not only did she start isolating herself after the incident, she began to live in her head, where a more sinister, damaged and unhinged Kira would imagine killing herself and those around her. This is an extremely serious subject to dive into--and Mars doesn’t cover up the darkness behind it. It’s not romanticized, it’s ugly and depressing, and the worst part is that we never get the feeling that Kira will ever fully recover from it. Yes, she learns to become intimate with Rei because she trusts him--but it’s implied that in the deepest, darkest parts of her soul, that horrible memory will continue to live on.

The first thing that struck me, and my favorite aspect of the entire series, was how genuine the relationship between Rei and Kira felt--several times in the story there’d be a break where they would just talk, and not talk as in they’d tell each other things that would move the plot forward, or with a clear purpose in mind--they have actual conversations. They talk about each other’s hobbies, about their existential crises, things that actual teenagers talk to each other about. With every heart-to-heart comes another glimpse into who these two are as people, and it becomes apparent that they cherish and remember every word they say to each other. It’s clear that these two characters grow because of each other, and turn one another into the best versions of themselves. They’re honest and authentic with each other in ways only adolescents can be. As two teenagers who’ve never had anyone to be their shoulder to cry on, their relationship just feels right, and their marriage at the end of the series is one of the most wholesome and satisfying things I’ve read in a shoujo manga.

Up until now I’ve sung praises to Mars for the two main characters and their dynamic, but unfortunately, besides a few exceptions, the rest of the characters in the series are either uninteresting, unlikable or just straight up garbage human beings. To keep it short, just seeing Shiori, Kurosawa or Harumi on every panel would get me peeved. Masao Kirishima was the last straw for me, however; once I got deep enough into his arc I ended up putting down the series for a few days, because I couldn’t stand his presence (not to mention the ONLY canonically LGBT character just HAD to be an evil psychopath who wanted to kill people for pleasure…..REALLY……) but I’ll throw in a head-canon saying that these characters only exist for me to appreciate the main couple more (which it did) so I could look over it.

By far Mars’ biggest problem is it’s tone. Soap operas can be fun, don’t get me wrong, and there are plenty of times where Mars gets it right--but also plenty of times where it becomes overbearing. The series was probably best to read week by week when it was being released in Bessatsu Friend magazine; it’s not hard to imagine Souryo stuffing in enough melodrama in each chapter before it’s release in order to keep reader’s interest. Marathon-reading it is very much a different experience. And it doesn’t help that It’s clear that this is a product of its time. A lot of popular shoujo manga in the 90s tended to stretch the drama, i.e. the insane level of bullying, the evil side characters insisting on keeping the main couple apart, etc.

Using an example from Mars, Rei reveals he used to have a brother, who is actually dead, and when Kira asks how he died, before Rei can answer, a man jumps off a building and the police are called. Rei has a panic attack after seeing this, and it’s implied that his brother died from suicide. Then, we go back to the high school where it’s revealed that a character named Kurosawa also attempted suicide, and is currently getting treatment. Then Rei and Kira go out on a date. ALL IN ONE CHAPTER. If you got exhausted reading that, try reading that page-to-page in one sitting. It was entertaining, sure, but it took me out of the immersion every now and again.

I can shit on these aspects as much as I want, but without them, Mars wouldn’t be Mars. It’s apart of its charm, in an odd way, and it only enhances everything the series does right. At times, it’s as if Mars is drowning you in it’s depressing conflict and weighing you down with it’s emotional baggage, enjoying every second of your agony--but in the end it always comes back around, making wrongs rights and surprising you with its tenderness. That’s why I think this manga has the perfect title. I doubt Fuyumi Souryo intended for this, but in its own roundabout way, I believe Mars is an allegory for the Roman god, and a good one that you definitely shouldn’t miss out on. 

And I’m giving this one a STAR rating.

(Check out my other manga analyses here, and my standards here.)

(Follow me on twitter @/choerrychrist)

#shoujo #shoujo manga #shoujo caps #mangacaps #screencaps #shoujo screencap #shoujo notes #shoujo anime #mars #mars manga #90s anime #anime #star rating #rei #kira #my review