#but if I date someone I just feed into their perception of themselves and me that they make in their head so they won't leave.

[gingerylangylang1979]

Sydney, Love, Beauty

I don’t know if many others noticed but Syd seems to have glammed up a little in the later episodes of S2. It’s very slight, you would almost miss it but it’s there. She has on shiny sheer lip color (yes, her lips always looked so dry last season, thank you), a sliver of eyeliner, and a touch of mascara. I also noticed her lighting is much improved showing off her perfect skin.

Syd has always been attractive but it just really stuck out to me that after the arrival of Claire she’s looking just a tad more dolled up. Is it connected? Did the makeup artist just decide to experiment more? Will we see more changes in the future?

As a black woman I’m obviously going to analyze this more. Black women are always going to notice how we are portrayed onscreen aesthetically. I remember being so pissed, along with much of the black TWD fandom, about how wamp, wamp Michonne’s wigs were. Were we being reasonable? Would any of us have amazingly groomed dreads during a zombie apocalypse? It wasn’t like the white women had fresh blowouts. Was it on purpose or an oversight?

Back to Syd. They could keep Syd looking the same. They could change her to look more glam. Either choice has implications.

A lot of people read Sydney’s style as signaling that she’s a lesbian. That could make sense. Plenty of lesbians style themselves like Syd. But it could also mean nothing. I have two black women friends that dress very tomboyish and both are very straight. They are like sisters to me. I could testify in court they love dick. But especially for black women any sign of non feminine coded style signals gay. I think this feeds into people having a hard time seeing Syd as interested in men or having the show’s sex symbol attracted to her. She could turn out to be gay but I doubt it given the slow burn with Carmy. She could be bisexual which leaves possibilities open. But I think it’s very interesting that the production choices didn’t decide to make Syd a girlie girl when the writing is making her an object of men’s affections. Part of me is really into that.

On the other hand part of me would love to see her have a glam moment. But this could be potentially problematic. Syd has style but also seems to dress for practicality. So if she is consciously making an effort to look more feminine where is it coming from? Is she just growing into a new look? Is she trying to catch Carmy’s eye? Are the producers consciously trying to make her more appealing to the general audience as a romantic lead?

Personally, I would love to see Syd switch it up a little but not go too far. I would love her to have a more modern hairstyle. Box braids are classic but I want to see a more sophisticated, trendy style. Someone posted about her getting knotless boho braids or passion twists. I’m into it. I just feel like Syd is up on design and I want to see her step her game up as her career rises. I don’t mind the little bit of makeup we saw and would love to see a slightly bolder look if she has someplace to go that’s not a restaurant. On that note, can we please see her somewhere that’s not food related? I also wouldn’t mind seeing her in some lighter colors in her street wear. Her wardrobe was so dark this season.

What I don’t want to see is her doing like a full extreme makeover and that’s the thing that seems to be the catalyst for Carmy to realize he loves her. I feel like that’s fine in some white girl Cinderella story but leaves me cold in a black woman’s love story. And if they do a silk press and that’s her glow up I would be super pissed. I’m not anti her ever having straight hair but if it’s like oh, now the white boy falls for her I will ride at dawn to FX.

I wonder what Sydney’s perceptions of her looks are. She seems confident in so many ways. But, yeah, why did she decide to randomly have a glossy lip? Does she view herself as pretty? Has she dated? Has she been told she’s beautiful?

I’m rambling but my point is she can glow up a bit but I never want the messaging to be she had to “get pretty” to get the guy. If she makes changes I want it to be because she’s evolving, maybe a little flirty, but not thinking she has to be a different person to get who she wants.

#the bear fx #sydney adamu #ayo edebiri #carmy berzatto #carmy x sydney #black women on tv #black women in cinema #black beauty

[libbee]

Self development series: It is almost impossible to know how others perceive you.

For a trauma survivor, social circle can be a tough nut to crack. Whether they are in classroom or with family or on a date or on social media, they are always worrying what others think about them. They would not consciously know but their behaviour shows they are trying to impress others/mould their opinion/desperate for likes dislikes views. What happened in offline world before is now visible on social media clearly. When their self esteem is terribly low, no achievement or external validation is ever enough. They are always unsure of themselves. Even for a non trauma survivor, people's perception is impossible to find out. Some might think that this post and blog are thoughtful or deep, while others might think that I am a complete dumbass and a noise. Even my choice of words, language, tone of writing and your own life stage, experience, perception will affect your judgment - it is that multidimensional how mind works.

While it is important to trust your own perception about the world, it is, at the same time, very hard, or even impossible, to know how others perceive you. You might think in your mind that others look down upon you/think you are boring/think you are ugly/think you are lazy, but do you actually know what they really think of you? A tyrannical parent is someone who controls their children, tells them lies about the world, tells them lies about themselves. "You are not that good", "You could have done better, there is nothing to celebrate", "Yeah, I see you got that degree, you must be too proud now". The parent does not even know they are downright invalidating their child, they just think that they are normal. A low self esteem girl is hungry for male approval. She will put down other women, compete with other women, but live in complete denial of her deep seated insecurity.

I have read through many resources but could not find one legitimate answer for "how to know others' perception of me?" The only answer was "ask them". Well, how would you ask others what they think about you? They might lie. And how many people in the world will you approach? You are barely around 100 people in daily life. You are only left with assumptions about YOURSELF.

Different people have different priority. Scorpios want deep intimate partner so they might think fwb situation is risky and stupid. Gemini want fast intellectual stimulation so they might think that quiet people are boring and uninteresting. Aries are leaderly and dominating so they might think that spiritual ones are lazy and unambitious. How many people will you "prove" yourself to? If your self esteem is low enough, you might as well overcompensate for it by really getting out of your way to flaunt, show off, sneakily post that shiny car in your story.

When we act out of low self esteem, we think that we have actually done something - while we may have just made a fool of ourselves in reality. For example, when I was in school and was the queen of gutter-land-self-esteem, I would be class clown, sarcastic, quick, witty (I am gemini moon). I made others laugh and that gave me massive validation... for 2 minutes. Then I would again wait for the next opportunity to tell jokes and feed on laughter for validation. So on, everyday. Validation seeking at school took so much of my energy that when I came back home I would be exhausted, tired and had mood swings.

If scientists invent a mirror in future that somehow answers "tell me, mirror on the wall, what does xyz think of me?" I think this gadget will break the market. Until then, we just have to live with self development and inner work. Recent example is Andrew Tate. All of us who are self aware would know how insecure this man was. His self improvement talks were just not enough when his complete philosophy was so self destructive. He might appear rich, give confident facial expressions, do podcast by citing biological instincts of men, but we can see how hard he was trying to manipulate other people's opinions about him. This is a case of unevolved person, someone who is unaware and in complete denial.

I can see insecurities in Andrew Tate because I have been there, done that. Same for any other celebrity who appear wise on social front - but are terribly insecure on personal front, when they are alone by themselves.

This underatanding will set you free and give you more time and energy to focus on your inner life. You might as well break the intergenerational cycle. Knowing the limitations of your brain will set you free. I believe that active imagination might help one to see how their character appears to others. You are, after all, collective unconscious, but that would require years of inner work.

#astro community #astro notes #astro observations #astro placements #astro tumblr #astroblr #astrology #astrology blog #astrology and mental illness #astrology notes #astrology observations #dark astrology #self improvement #shadow self #self development

[butterppretzel]

.

#I think my deep rooted need to be passive has just lead to my obsession with dating or being interested in people who are like...narcissists #and all that does is further push me into a corner where I'm scared that if I do something that isn't centered to them it will be bad. #I find joy in doing things for other people to the point where I can't comprehend that I can ask for something to be done for me I guess? #Not to mention that people I like are often people who form quick obsessions with people they like #because I know that I'm only interesting for short amounts of time #and eventually either they'll get sick of me and move on or I'll convince myself I can't message them first because I'm annoying and have #nothing interesting to say #and we stop talking altogether. And with friends it's no big deal because they come and go it be like that #even if I do miss my friends so much #but if I date someone I just feed into their perception of themselves and me that they make in their head so they won't leave. #I guess that makes me a little manipulate? Because I'm just. Feeding their egos and sometimes even just straight up lying to them so they #won't leave me. So they won't get mad at me. #I just hate myself so much for the way that I am but I don't know where to start fixing it because all I know is doing things for other #people #idk im tired #delete later

[sapphixxx]

Just finished Lain. Watched the last episode twice, which gently removed my heart from my chest and pulped it into a fine paste in a mortar and pestle. This hit much closer to home than I expected.

In my Lain epistemology post I somewhat flippantly made an aside that the series was only tangentially about Lain the actual character. By which I meant that my read on the series up until that point (around episode 8 or 9) was that each episode was teasing apart different aspects of the ambiguity of truth, knowledge, information, and communication, with the events of Lain's life being almost just a sort of example case study for how these concepts can impact someone on an individual level. Lain was framed in a kind of zoomed out way as an abstract avatar moving through these events without a whole lot of expression of her personal thoughts and feelings.

And then we get to the last three episodes.

It's in this space that Lain the 8th grade age girl with thoughts and feelings and wants and needs and fears comes into painfully sharp focus. The beginning of the final episode sums up and contextualizes what all of this has always been about.

Who am I? What is the real me? How can I tell what's real about me if everyone interprets it differently?

Do I even exist if other people can't see me?

The flippant bravado that I expressed in that post is the same attitude that Lain has been applying to her own very sense of self throughout the series, as just another arbitrary and moldable piece of information subject to interpretation with no inherent truth.

She effectively commits suicide by removing herself from sight, mind, and memory, of everyone around her. After all, if they have no knowledge of her, then she no longer exists. But what is lurking in the subtext of this finale is that she fails to consider that everyone she is cutting off is equally subject to this process. She imagines that without her meddling they are able to be happy. But that's all it is, imagination.

She doesn't exist to them anymore because she erased their knowledge of her, but it goes both ways. In doing this, they cease to exist to her, too. The image of the happy lives of the people she knew don't come from real observation or fact. It is something that she is imposing upon her memory or imagination of those people, which is only possible because she's removed herself from the possibility of being reminded just how complex and occasionally painful their lives will be with her or without her. In those scenes nobody misses her except in these brief fleeting moments where they remember some fond association with her, before moving on to their happy lives.

But this isn't reality. She isn't seeing these people. This is how she comforts herself, by imagining that everything is for the best without her, and nobody has to feel the pain of missing her. But that's not something she can know or control. The pain they feel upon losing her doesn't exist only because she has removed herself from where she might see it and have to acknowledge it.

Do I even exist if other people can't see me?

This phrase is taken to its literal extreme in the finale. But I think it's important to take a step back and really think about what this means on a more human level, especially when it comes to the kinds of struggles that everyone, especially kids that age, are dealing with.

That is to say, even if you literally physically exist and go about the world talking to people going to school eating dinner and so on, if there are parts of you that people don't know about, if there are things inside you that you can't express, you quickly come to the painful realization that to other people, that stuff just doesn't exist. Which means that whole side of you doesn't exist, according to the outside world. And if that side of you encompasses something important about your identity or your experiences, it's hard to not come to the conclusion that the real you, the entirety of your being, doesn't exist to them either. And when you try to tell them about it, or when they notice on their own, but they don't understand or perhaps outright reject it, hasn't some fundamental part of your humanity been erased? In this kind of environment it's easy to start doubting that any of it exists at all. After all, if nobody else will recognize it, you've only got your own word to go on. And that isn't always enough to trust.

And again, keep in mind that this goes both ways. I think Lain's sister is the clearest example which is given by the series. One episode she begins as a character, someone who has thoughts and a personality and so on. By the end of the episode she is reduced to the state that she will stay in for the rest of the series, blank-eyed and senseless. That fully fledged self she had still exists though. Lain just stops being able to see it, so effectively her sister stops existing for her.

Do I even exist if other people can't see me?

When you are isolated you can say anything about yourself. You can say you're nobody, or you're God, or perhaps something even wiser and greater than God. It can feel powerful to start writing your own existence and rationalizing your own isolation, the perceptions of others be damned. You can say well, my parents don't understand me and I stopped being able to connect to my sister, but who cares! Family is just arbitrary biology anyway! What if they aren't even my family at all, and are just plants put in place by a secret organization. I'm not lonely, I'm just seeking a greater truth, a conspiracy that only I can see! I don't make social mistakes, I'm not afraid of hurting anyone, that's the fake me running around out there! But it's not sustainable. Eventually life comes crashing down, whether it be in the form of interference in the material world, or if that mental state with all of its attendant self-spun narratives just finally collapses.

As with most things in this series, Lain's interactions with "God" are written in a very abstract symbolic way. But, the pattern that it follows seems very familiar to me as one of a predatory adult grooming a vulnerable minor. He alternates between gassing Lane up as the most powerful and important being who has ever lived, and then in the next breath saying that she's nothing. In peddling his conspiracy theory narrative of humankind merging with The Wired, of Lain simply being a powerful piece of software meant for Grand Purpose, he feeds into her struggle for identity and the need to be seen and understood by at once validating these feelings and how confusing they are, while reinforcing her isolation and his own dominant grip over defining the shape of the world and society.

When Arisu finds Lain living in filth and comforts her, that is one of the rare moments that the raw, vulnerable, material world Lain, weighed down with no pretenses, pokes her head out. That moment of genuine intimacy that she has been so hungry for this whole time is enough to allow her to retaliate against "God" when he shows up in anger upon being doubted. When Arisu reacts poorly to this sight, though, is when Lain makes her final dive back into her own walled off reality. For as much as she wants to be seen and held and comforted by this girl she loves, it is far more painful for her to have to witness and live with the feeling of rejection and guilt that came from Arisu's fear in the aftermath.

The final image of her father finally expressing the real tenderness she has longed for. The imagined future of Arisu dating her former teacher well into adulthood, because it's the only model of a relationship Lain has ever seen someone want, because her parents certainly don't seem happy, and she herself didn't get anything out of the boy who kissed her. The final statement, "I will always be with you". As with everything in the series, these can be interpreted many ways. But to me it reads unmistakably as the final moments before suicide.

In any case though, after all that, it seems fairly starkly clear why Lain resonates so strongly with trans people. Contrary to the old saying that all happy people are happy the same way, but all miserable people suffer uniquely, this path to despondence is depressingly common. It is the way out that is unique to everyone who finds themselves there. I hate to say it, although I feel very lucky to say that I have survived being in that place many times--which I think is proof that it is possible to get to the other side and make a good life, despite everything-- I think if it had ended any more neatly or more positively, it just wouldn't feel as honest. It captures the depth of that state of being. That's just what it's like. And as heavy as it is to sit with, I get a lot from being able to see something painfully familiar to me reflected in such a raw way. After all that, a happy ending would just feel disingenuous. I mean, that's my life, and any happy ending they could have written just isn't how it went.

#writing #Serial Experiments Lain #Lain

[theramseyloft]

5/7/21 Loft Notes

No sign of strange poop in Passenger's hospital cage since the yellow streak yesterday.

He's actually eating in front of me today!

Depth perception has improved.

He's not missing any pecks

Going very deliberately for safflower and millet before anything else.

Like most ferals, he prefers scooping out a spray of seed to pick his favorites from the floor.

Heavy limp on his left side.

Maneuvers mostly with the right, preferring to use the damaged left as a pivot point.

I think x-rays will be necessary, though I don't think surgery will do more good than harm at this point.

MUCH more steady and comfortable on his feet.

Would still like to get him some pain meds.

We'll do another full evaluation for him tomorrow to see if it's safe to start dipping and vaccinating him yet.

Angel just tread Lucy!

Now he's courting Leela.

Hoss is doing happy flaps all over the loft.

Mj gave Dolly a feeding turn with a somewhat perturbed Riddle, who is firmly of the oppinion that that should all be for them (and they aren't exactly wrong.)

Dolly's father is presently on eggs.

Awwww.  Lucy really likes Angel.

So does Leela!

He's calling them into a box, and they are trying to decide between themselves who will actually go in.

Leela has joined him.

They are in his box preening, nodding, and wing twitching.

Alex tread Dodger.

Leonard tread Elliot.

Wukong is crouched for Farthing to tread.

Farthing and Lucy are preening him from both sides.

I have Riddle-knee, and can never move again.

Patron: "So glad Angel has finally decided dating other pigeons is less of a hassle than trying to date humans. Whenever I see someone talking about wanting a hand-reared bird all I can think of is how hard it was to get Angel to calm the fuck down and how most people aren't equipped to be able to deal with that even when they want a single companion pigeon."

Bird-Bird left her nest to lay her egg in the hall.

Froooom her perch on her favorite pool noodle.

It cracked on impact.

She then returned to nest in her box.

The dear hubby gave her the fake once she settled in her box.

We spent $11.99 on the DNA test for TM6-1

Bringing our PayPal Balance to $416.27

[theunconcernedembalmer]

what’s the issue with elisop? is it just bc you hc aesop as ace? im so concerned by seeing ppl adamantly opposed to mlm/wlw ships but im also genuinely curious about why you dislike it and other lgbt ships so much lol

hmm. that is a strong accusation, n i find it just a bit odd. are you new here? or perhaps you are taking personal offense at my dislike towards a favourite ship of yours and using the lgbt argument as moral high ground?

whatever the case may be, i thank you for asking. if u r truly looking for an answer, its below the cut n it is very very long. mind u these are all my personal opinions n i am in no way policing how others enjoy ships. just in case this wasnt clear; i dont wish to start discourse on this blog, especially since my takes are probably... unpopular.

firstly i would like to address the “disliking lgbt ships” bit, because this has very strong implications in itself. i have nothing against lgbt ships. i enjoy them, even. if the two characters have chemistry between each other, i ship it. however, the moment characterization is broken for the sake of romance, i lose interest. this is generally my stance on ships in general, n this applies for both straight n lgbt ships. 

the ships themselves are fine. however, i do have issues with the ship dynamics, so ill let u in on that.

i want to touch on mlm ships in particular; i believe u are familiar with the top/bottom dynamic that is rampant in these kinds of ships? (i wont deny that this dynamic can be found in other types of ships, but for arguments sake i will be focusing on gay ships because i feel that this occurs more commonly here) its such a popular dynamic that is prone to stripping the personality from one if not both characters, only for them to be reduced to being dominant/submissive. for a character to be pigeonholed into a stereotypical category based on... preferred sexual positions? its just downright insulting, never mind the larger more problematic implications of it. top/bottom is not indicative of someones personality, by the way. flattening multi dimensional characters into these stereotypes is so so so insulting.

unfortunately this is The Most Popular portrayal of just about any gay ship around. ive seen it being used everywhere in so many fandoms n it just about becomes apparent to me that ppl come to stories looking for a Ship. not the stories, nor the characters, just a ship. while id like to say theres nothing wrong with that, keep in mind not everyone is just looking for 2 characters that look pretty next to each other. if i ship something, i see interesting n meaningful interactions between 2 characters, which is so often not the case once u bring in the top/bottom dynamic. why is it so popular? because somehow this is what ppl like from a gay ship n hence it sells. ppl want the drama, characterizations be damned. ppl want to see the big kiss that happens in the end, n maybe the sexy parts that come after. characterizations be damned.

so u can say im a little wary of gay ships when they cross my feed. hell, as a joseph aesop shipper i see this trope everywhere n im pretty disappointed as well. small tangent but i feel like this is the reason why zh0ngli n ch1lde is so popular in g3nshin. i try to see the appeal, i really do, but after a long while of analyzing their respective characters i dont think they have as much chemistry as ppl think they do. dont even get me started on how incredibly ooc they make either of these very interesting n unique characters in ship portrayals. all because of the top/bottom dynamic that ppl want to see. i say this for that particular ship, but this is pretty much the case for a lot of ships out there, n the latter part is painfully true even when the 2 characters do have potential between each other. ill say it again im disgusted by the blatant disrespect to the characterizations if all ppl ever want is 2 pretty puppets to mush lips together. cos thats what theyre essentially reduced to this way.

n its so obvious to see when an artist subscribes to this rhetoric, because u can so clearly see it in the way they draw their characters. the “top” generally has sharper features to go with their “dominating personality”, while the “bottom” has disturbingly softer, feminine, dare i say sometimes child like features “to submit”. n thats where the uwu soft gay trope comes from, i believe. which, in case u still dont know, i hate with a burning passion.

so again for ppl with impaired reading comprehension, im fine with ships, including lgbt ones, but the moment u break characterization for the sake of the ship, im not that okay with it. u want to do it for a short crack comic? fine. but if thats the only way ur portraying the 2 characters then im immediately wary of ur content. ill still look at it cos usually the art is really good, but im very very wary. so im not “adamantly opposed”, just very critical of how the ships are being portrayed. if other ppl want to enjoy their ships like that, sure. just dont expect me to join in on something i dont agree on.

.

now id like to address not shipping “because i hc aesop as ace”. for ppl who are new to the blog (hello there), im an ace in a romantic relationship, so thats definitely not the reason i dont ship elisop. its more of being in a relationship has largely shaped my views towards romance as a whole. even before i met my boyfriend, i hated the romance genre in stories n media. most of it comes off as incredibly forced, especially those love triangles they seem to love putting into teen novels. thats one reason why i stopped reading when i was younger, but i digress.

did i partake in shipping when i was younger? i did. for a gay ship too (if anyone really wants to know, its kurotsukki from haikyuu. at least this was one that i can remember, i was mostly working on my 20 odd ocs for the longest time). i also used to write little short romance ficlets that i never posted anywhere cos i hated (n still do hate) my writing. but writing romance when u dont have experience was really just a way of projecting n probably a way of coping for myself, not that i knew at that time. but after i actually started a relationship with my boyfriend (whom i love n cherish a lot thank u very much), i began to see how much all these have skewed my views towards romance n have actually done some harm to our relationship. the bullshit that the general media feeds u constantly doesnt help in the slightest either.

quick topic shift to elisop in particular (about time, right?). i already stated that i only ship characters if i sense chemistry between the two personalities, n if u have seen the part where i dont ship elisop then u must have seen how agonized i am over not being able to have a concrete personality for eli. that is the main problem i have with elisop: eli does not feel like a solid character to me. n that is a huge problem, because if he doesnt have any defining characteristics besides being mild n nice, then he can be whoever i want him to be. (i have done this in my exorcist comics, i will admit this. n the fact that i can just do that... it really does not sit well with me personally.)

n that is dangerous.

back to young me doing lil ship things. i think its also pretty safe to say when u really do ship 2 characters, chances are u kinda really relate very very hard to at least one of them. that very quickly can turn into projecting, n shipping therefore is not “exploring the relationship between 2 characters” n it becomes “my preferred dating simulator 101″. of course this isnt always the case, but at least it was for me, n subconsciously it might be for lots of ppl too. n since this is ur mental playground, u call the shots, n there is no consequences if u slightly (or even entirely) alter one or both personalities to fit ur desired narrative. n u wouldnt even notice or know, cos ur blind to ur own biasness.

we bring our perceived notions into real life, im sure u know that. so when ur partner does not become that perfect knight in shining armour, or when they get upset at things that u do (which is a very normal thing by the way), n u think (very subconsciously), That isnt what my otp would do, something is wrong here (nothing is wrong, actually its just ur skewed perception of a stable romantic relationship). why wouldnt ur otp do this? because u are both halves of ur otps, there is no hidden secrets between them (apart from the pining part but thats irrelevant), n again they have been altered to fit ur preferred narrative. 

a real relationship requires a lot of communication between parties, because newsflash, liking someone doesnt mean that u have to like every single thing they do, they will make mistakes n it will hurt u, n guess what, the reverse is also true. if u do go with absoutely anything that they would do with 0 objections whatsoever, ur not crushing on someone, ur idolizing them, n that power imbalance is detrimental to a relationship. these things are not obvious to ppl, especially when the whole climate is hell bent on getting into romantic relationships by a certain age or some bullshit. communication is key n is pretty much the only way to solve relationship issues, because the other person has a lot that u r not seeing n vice versa. as similar as 2 ppl can be, i doubt u can have 100% the same thoughts on all things. i dont make the rules.

so in ur mental playground u focus on the fluffy parts, maybe there is communication, but rarely is there any meaningful conflict. thats unrealistic, n if u bring that mindset to an actual relationship, thats not going to end well. i say meaningful conflict, because yes, generally u shouldnt have conflicts with ur significant other. but inevitably when ur with each other for long enough, u will realize that there are habits that u must change in order to be with the other person. habits that are harmful to the other person directly, or harmful habits towards yourself that indirectly harm the other person. these are meaningful in a sense that if left alone, it will manifest into larger problems that will harm u, the other person n the relationship as a whole. its meaningful to the relationship.

all these is made even worse if ur neurodivergent. maladaptive coping practices, self sabotaging behaviours, inherent disabilities. all these must be adjusted n addressed. im so incredibly thankful for my boyfriend for being incredibly patient with me when working all these out, n it has not been easy for me to work on myself n all my problems, n im still not done working on them. this aspect is often not explored in romance in general (or properly), n there is a very good chance i would have still been stuck in the unhealthy mindset of “this isnt like my otp, maybe we’re not meant to be”. because loving someone is a choice. no one is made for each other, it is a conscious choice made between 2 ppl to make things work. this is how arranged marriages work, i am told, n i do see the appeal, not that it actually does appeal to me culturally.

special mention to the kurotsukki ship, cos from there i found a very, very good fic that explored their relationship before n after getting together, n it actually showed aspects of this problem in the incredibly slow burn of (at that time) 20+ chapters. it was just one fic (n a very good one at that, i believe it was called Leviticus), but it had a lesson i never thought i needed to learn, n learn it i did, with a lot of help from my dear. 

this is also probably the reason why i dont really want to delve too much into romance now. i know its a lot of work, n everything (mostly) that the media feeds u is really false advertising, but ppl eat that shit up n so it remains one of the most popular genres to date. im just very wary that if i do start on a romantic story, i want to be able to show it in a way like that fic did, the truths of relationships, because i dont want to make something that sells, i want to make something that meaningful to me, if a little indulgent. n that also includes being very careful in how the respective characterizations will change in a relationship. almost too careful now that i think about it, but its not something that i mind. i was never one for romance from the start, n now im very careful about shipping because of what happened to me persoanlly.

okay enough about me, lets talk about aesop. in any au u put the character in, the essence of the character must remain despite the change in environment. so lets say we have ur typical modern au. dead mom, check. shitty mentor doing illegal stuff? also check. autistic boy with social anxiety? we’re good to go. all these have implications on aesop as a character, n while ppl are aware of this, again the way they go about portraying it can go, in my personal opinion, very wrong. ppl who immediately woobify aesop completely because he has autism annoy me. ppl who reduce him to uwu soft boi cos he has social anxiety do not know how the disorder really works n as someone who has that i hate it to the core. ppl who do all these for the sake of ship have lost my respect. its insulting.

remember the top/bottom dynamic? not that elisop is completely free from that (even if i dont know much about eli, to put him in either one of those stereotypes feels very insulting to his character. i wont even say anything about doing it to aesop its so upsetting), but its not entirely made up of either. but now i want to introduce another trope i am very wary of, which is “i can fix him”. im sure u guys have seen the meme going around poking fun at this trope (for those who havent, its along the lines of “u can fix him? well i can be his worst nightmare”) n no doubt yall would have seen it n gotten sick of it in some forced hetero romantic bullshit. we have one damsel in distress with a saviour that solves all their problems just by existing n being romo with each other.

remember “my preferred dating simulator 101″? this is not mutually exclusive n from my point of view this is dangerously close to this trope. lets be real, if it was actually a thing that all ur deep rooted trauma magically disappears if someone were to waltz into ur life, we would want it. definitely. no painfully dissecting ur own problems n constantly facing them head on. real life states that this is not the case, but it will not stop us from dreaming. n so this trope is born n lives n will go on.

(finally) pulling aesop n eli into this, at least in my mind, u have one severely traumatized boy with lots of issues n u have this. nice mild guy who can be anything u want him to be. i hope u can see where im going with this, n thats the direction i see some elisop heading towards (i dont read a lot of elisop to be fair). if u came from my eli character talk, i mentioned that it is incredibly one sided. this is exactly what im talking about.

putting it all together in case u havent already, aesop is the damsel in distress, whose problems magically disappear because of elis godly kindness n little to no work on improving himself, n they lived happily n gayly ever after.

can u tell how much that does not appeal to me. 

never mind the butchering of character that inevitably happens somewhere somehow, the unrealistically perfect themes n implications of this trope makes me so viscerally uncomfortable. this is, of course, due to personal reasons, n i definitely see the appeal of this dynamic because i would probably have been interested in this once upon a time as well. but as i am now, with everything i have explained up there n everything i have been through, i would politely rather not.

n its difficult to think of another dynamic, because of how little i know about eli apart from him being this saint, which easily makes him a candidate for being aesops trauma panacea. never mind aesop rarely, if ever, does anything for eli as a character in return, n its so damaging to buy into this rhetoric, where a person like this who would solve all ur issues no strings attached exists somewhere in the world. they really dont. a relationship has to be mutually benefitting, or it will be draining n disastrous. maybe u say, Oh its nice to imagine it once in a while. n yeah, i agree, except once in a while is a little difficult to keep track of n that is sort of what happened to me. id rather stay as far away as possible from this kind of unrealistic fantasy, i just got this shit sorted out with myself n my boyfriend.

i have some other reasons, but theyre more personally problematic, so i wont go into them here. but this is mostly n generally why i do not ship elisop romantically. if u do, u do u, and have fun, but again dont expect me to join u. thank u for coming to my ted talk, this took a lot longer than expected.

#mun rambles #its me the mun #unconcerned ramblings #posting this now cos this is a question ive been getting #although this has been worded in the most unnecessarily passive aggressive way possible that i do not appreciate #im wary about all u so called social justice warriors championing this n that liberal idea when all u want to do is stir shit #thankfully i dont have much experience with this but just passively seeing all these ppl run their mouths is getting very annoying #but just know that i will not tolerate any of that bullshit here. because if u really do care about ppl as much as u say u do #then why r u attacking ppl period #ur really just hiding behind a righteous excuse to harm people. thats disgusting. i dont want u here

[plutoswrath]

i’m sorry to annoy you with this again. i just look up to your kpop mixed with astrology content. but lucas’s neptune contact with his mc is going to annoy the shit out of me until this is fixed. the cloudiness that neptune brings to his public image is something that i think possibly fuels these situations further. false accusations and mixed perceptions based off of them is exactly what makes these scandals to continue on and on. and i’m sick of it. both sides ignore what the other is saying and it gets nowhere. neptune, the malefic bastard.

Hello! I saw your recent asks and I appreciate your words regarding my content, thank you so much for the kind words! <3

I will touch on astrolgy under the cut, but before this happens, I want to leave a few words. There's a reason why I didn't answer the previous questions I received (not only yours op) regarding the Lucas situation so far. For several reasons I didn't want to feed into any sort of (perceived) sensationalism in regards to the Lucas situation, even though I'd really love to look at the situation from an astrological point of view. That people are divided on this topic is to be expected, but I think the way it has been handled by majority so far is very bad. I really want to elaborate on my reasoning why we should rethink the way we talk about/represent the Lucas situation right now, but as this topic is very kpop specific everything will be under the cut.

My reasoning for avoiding any questions about it until now:

1. People already don't take the situation seriously enough: Regardless of what your standpoint is, I'd like for people to consider looking at it from a more critical point of view for a second: The allegations are not about him being exposed as ‘just a f-boy’ as some people make it out to be, they are more serious than that. Lucas allegedly manipulated and used these women for his own emotional/sexual/financial needs and ego boost. The fact that he has money and allegedly still used other people to provide financially for him just demonstrates the power play underneath it all. He abused his position of power as an idol, the power dynamics between him and fans who idolize him are plain and simple just completely off. Please think about the fact, that he allegedly decided who to date on at fansigns. This alone gives no security to any fans that want to attend fansigns in the future. TW SV: he also talked one of these women into having sex with him + doing it unprotected, which is not only emotionally/sexually manipulative/coercive and can possibly be traumatic for them but also heightens the risk for transfering STD's as END TW he was supposedly seeing people at the same time/cheating. In general, the behavior he gets accused of leaves trauma and is abuse, to be more specific abuse of power on multiple levels and his social position makes it just easier to continue abusing that power. As you've mentioned yourself op, there is a huge back and forth about the allegations, and I know people like to take situations like the one of Taeyong as an example to justify that not every public apology is real and that allegations turn out to be false years later, but I believe it's different this time and that the allegations that came forward were real. Even his cbar closed, a fanbase that works closely with Label V (!), that alone shows that there is 'at least' some truth to the story, or else his hardcore fanbase wouldn't have decided to turn their back on him in matters of just days. Also, all the 'jokes' and the portrayal of 'juicy gossip' people make about the situation just downplays and ridicules the possible traumatic experiences of the people that were hurt by his actions. If anyone decides to not believe these allegations until SM gives a more specific statement, that's fine, but please do so without making fun of the people who were victims of his behavior, as there is already little to no sympathy for them online. It makes it just way harder for any survivors in the future to speak out on their experience. People say it's 'nothing illegal, just morally wrong' but given the fact that he is also a person in power, the line between 'just' morally wrong and illegal can be very thin in some cases. And please overthink arguments such as: 'this is typical boy behavior for someone in his 20's'/ 'he's just an f-boy' or 'boys will be boys' because they are deeply misogynistic and we shouldn't normalize behavior like that, thus making the root of the problem actually way deeper than most people think.

2. WayV's future: This mainly goes for people who are fans of WayV. I know not everyone probably likes to hear this, but another thing why wild speculations, sensationalism or even possible defence about this situation should be kept on the low is WayV's career. I want to be honest here, but I'm scared for their future, their comeback for october has been cancelled for now and they are put on a hiatus for several months as far as I know. They were on a good path of gaining more and more recognition and establishing themselves even better as a c-pop group, but now Luca's reputation in China (their target audience) is as good as gone and that pulls all of WayV down to rock bottom with him. People really need to try seeing the story out of the eyes of the korean and especially chinese fans as well, their perception of the allegations (especially after the Kris Wu situation!) are way different and more serious than the ones of i-fans and i-fans have to accept that. Also, we all know how companies (especially SM) handle these type of situations: keep the people on the low till the storm has calmed down. But will the storm ever calm down for Lucas when his public image is basically destroyed, and thus WayV as well? What I want people to understand is that this whole situation affects WayV and their career directly, actually on the biggest scale possible. All the work so far is at risk to be for good and I think a lot of fans tend to forget that, things look especially critical for HenXiaoYanKun if WayV would be to continue/redebute/fall apart. It doesn't matter if Lucas talking bad about the members/the companies/shows he works with/for was real or not in the end, because unfortunately damage is already done, WayV's image (WayV= family) is already tarnished and WayV as a group will suffer from this. You summed it up with malefic Neptune the best actually: We all don't know the full confirmed truth about the situation and will most likely never know it. (small astro insight here as well, but part of Neptune is to accept fantasy for what it is: fantasy, and thus turn to cold reality when you're in too deep)

3. What O'd advice the fandom to do right now: Regardless of your opinion on the situation, what we as a fandom can do best right now is staying on the low, wait things out, and stop adding more fire to the situation with our actions and wait how the situation actually developes, since a) we can not fasten the process and b) a lot of rumors, false information and unnecessary details get exposed to mudd the waters and to discredit the statement of the victims as well. I've seen some strong reactions from both sides, but as someone who's a big fan of nct in general I really just want to say that part of the fandom throwing a fit on the internet leads basically to nothing, it actually only reflects even worse on nctzens/weshennies and thus on WayV's (and also NCT as whole) image as well. Things right now are handled internal, not extern. Whatever gets through to the public will be half of the story anyway. A lot of people seem to forget, that we talk about SM and all they care for right now is saving themselves economically (think about the domino effect this situation has on the whole group/company), so we will have to see what their final decision is going to be, if anything will happen at all. For now, be patient, wait and see. Last words: It's okay to feel hurt/confused/angry/drained. Even though most of us are aware that we dont know any celebrity's character, it's still hard to swallow and to digest because you were a fan of that artist. Let it take time and vent. Take a break from it if it gets too much! Talking about it to process your emotions better is okay and very valid, but keep in mind that you should not worsen the situation by doing so - it's already absolute chaos.

Also: This statement is by no means a direct attack to anyone or me trying to push my opinion onto you, just my two cents in how to handle the situation best right now, because our hands are basically tied. Also: agree to disagree. If you don't like that I side with the victims (unless there is an official statement that Lucas is proven not guilty, which I doubt, unfortunately) then so be it, but don't start a war in my inbox for our opinions differing.

-------

Now, to astrology:

Disclaimer: This analysis will not be very light-hearted, but remember that it's just a theory and not me trying to confirm anything!

First of all op, sorry for just answering you know, but I neded some time to think through how to adress this without adding to the fire with my astrological analysis! Boy, does the birth time fit the shoe right now. To be fair as I did my short rising sign analysis about him recently, I cancelled out every other fire rising except for Leo, because I got stuck on the ego part a bit. Anything for me made sense, as long as it highlights his ego, which by itself doesn't have to be a bad thing automatically, but there's always two sides of the coin as we all know.

I looked into the transits the past week and added a few asteroids/mathematical points as well. An anon before pointed to the full moon happening in his tenth house, conjunct his sun, etc. (I deleted the ask because I didn't know what was going on at that time and thought it was just the 'usual' rumors that once in a while get spread around, but after looking more into it I decided this was not the right time to stirr the pot in any kind of way or treat it as funny, hot gos). But yeah a full Moon in Aquarius happening in his 10th house AND on top of that Saturn in Aquarius, conjuncting that Moon and his natal Uranus in the 10th! Talk about destrcution of any stable foundation and a change in a public image! Honestly, looking at astrologically the way his public image just got radically destroyed over night, with Saturn and the Moon having been in a conjunction (in his chart it was in the 10th house) is kinda eery even. Talk about collective consciousness - not only exposing quiet literally the feelings of the collective, but also doing so in the favor of others and gaining collective emotional consciousness. Take this with a grain of salt (!), because we're still in a tense situation, but I'm tapping into the darker, unfriendlier side of astrology now. Taking his confirmed birth time, he has Nessus in Sagittarius in his 8th house and as I saw that I could feel myself shifting into the surprised pikachu face. I am not saying that this prooves the allegations whatsoever, but as you seemed to be very interested in anaylzing the case in-depth as well, the allegations fit his Nessus - jumping from partner to partner, carelessness (regarding physical intimacy as well), making people share all their ressources with him/finacial gain, and basically the whole jist of gaining control/being in a power position in intimate connections. Keep in mind that this is only one interpretation of Nessus though, Nessus can also show the complete opposite to someone 'turning to their dark side'. On top of that, his Nessus was conjunct transit Phollus the past week, so if anything, we can see that a large event triggered him to 'open his eyes' and face anything of an 'obstacle' that hinders him from seeing the 'truth' to a larger picture and his own nature/destiny. Pholus can symbolize change that will alter your perception of the responsibility you have for yourself and others.

But my latest new interest with these two asteroids aside (asteroids just add a little more nuance to a situation after all), I want to touch on Lilith too, since you (op) have mentioned Lilith before in one of your asks!

He has his Lilith exactly conjunct his Descendant when we consider his confirmed birth time. What happened just now can be seen as 'backfiring' of his actions, either Lilith embodying the women who expose him now for his 'inappropriate' behavior, but also simply fans shaming him now for his alleged manipulative/imoral behavior, especially shaming him about who he chose to date and how. Next to that, you've mentioned Lilith opposite Moon and it just makes me think about him possibly feeling very indecisive and potentially in denial about what he actually needs to be fulfilled in order to be emotionally happy and thus leading to him appearing to have this 'second, dark side' to him now. BML is not necessarily opposite the Moon in my opinion, it's just the side of the subconscious we don't really like to deal with and all we're told not to express and desire because it can be conflicting in the eyes of others (thus BML also leading to a lot of recklessness on the negative side). I think if we take the allegations into consideration, regardless of how much of it is true of it, it can be a good example what happens, when an opposition gets out of balance, as it also manifests outwardly a lot! Lilith shows in his 'double life' aka what he allegedly did with fans. Lilith wanted an outlet and found one by working behind the scenes. If we take in his supposed Taurus rising, which his Lilith is in an exact opposition with, it's a good example of what can lurk underneath the surface.

And of course, last but not least, Neptune and Sun conjunct his MC. People are quiet literally blinded by him more than they would like to think. Also: Lucas was always known for his 'flirty & charismatic' nature, this is another reason why people think we shouldn't be surprised he 'turns out to be like that in real life'. I'm not analyzing this argument right now, but what I think is very interesting is how Sun conjunct MC literally ties a good amount of their personality to their career - they want to be accepted and shine for their personality/big part of their individuality. Idols play a role, no matter how transparent they appear to us, but it's really funny how this 'image' of him melts almost seemingly with parts of his personality (almost af if you were to quiet literally sell your self) and as you've mentioned: Neptune only adds to that, unfortunately.

#replies #anonymous #might delete later?? #idk depends if the situations gets even worse

[currywaifu]

𝐭𝐢𝐭𝐥𝐞: rival 𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩: sumeragi tenma/reader 𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠: sfw 𝐰𝐜: 2.9k words, 3 images

𝐚𝐧: two people from the filo discord (ty to sel & kai) gave me the idea for this! i meant to push this out a while back, but only got the time to finish it tonight! at... 5 am... sorry for the long delay, @chewie-santatoast​ ! 

If someone were to ask Tenma why he was stalking your Instablam right now, he’d be able to spout off various excuses— all with varying levels of believability.

His first excuse was that you were going to be one of his latest co-stars in a drama. Just because the both of you were going to be part of only a few episodes doesn’t mean he’s gonna stop being diligent. He’s just doing his best to be up to date with you and the other cast, for social reasons.

Why is he so focused on your page, then?

His second excuse would be that he’s only looking, following your account because you’re one of his rivals! Not only were you someone who also started acting at a young age, but you also recently started getting into theatre! Not only were you a threat to any possible awards he could get this season, but any notable troupe was a rival to Mankai for any possible competitions or awards! He’s only looking after the company by scoping out the competition!

Why is he so focused on a specific set of images?

His third excuse, actually still pretty believable, was that he was looking at your most recent posts wherein you were clearly promoting a new play, your repost of the poster signifying that you were the lead. Rival or not, he was still interested in plays or musicals— of course he was going to learn more about the production you were going to be a part of, right?

Why is he looking so intently at the caption and comments, then?

Even in his own brain, this is where Tenma began fumbling. You were just supposed to be promoting, so why were you posting a selfie with another actor, even mentioning that same person in the caption? And- and the people in the comments! Why were they talking about “shipping” you and that guy? Comments about how cute of a couple you’d make… were they fake fans of theatre or something? People who were more engrossed with the actor’s lives than the show?

That’s exactly it… he’s repulsed by people’s audacity. Fan service was alright, but you shouldn’t be feeding your followers anything unnecessary— and why were they so adamant in taking things too far and out of context anyway?

The door creaked open, and he quickly locked his phone as he hastily stashed it underneath his pillow, face unknowingly painted with a blush as though he was hiding something scandalous instead of a picture of you doing finger hearts at the camera.

… thank God it was just Misumi, who doesn’t mention anything possibly wrong with his appearance or attitude. The older boy mentioned something about eating triangle cakes together with the rest of the troupe, and he eagerly replied in agreement as he gets up from bed.

In his head, Tenma justified his actions by telling himself it’d just be a hassle if anyone (note: Yuki or Kazunari) caught him and automatically made assumptions.

When Tenma arrived on set, you were exiting out of your car as well.

‘I should probably be friendly and greet them, right?’ he thought to himself as his body was positioning itself to avoid you instead. Unfortunately (or fortunately) for him, you had already spotted him and with a loud “Tenma-kun!”, his gaze was forced to meet with yours.

You made your way beside him with a blinding smile, not giving him the time to formulate a greeting in return as you began talking up a storm.

“I’m excited to work with you again!” you said, briefly pausing to greet his manager as well before turning back to him. “The last time we’ve worked together was for a drama 6 months ago, right?”

“No,” he corrected immediately, the ‘you idiot’ that would have followed thankfully left out by Tenma. “We filmed a commercial 3 months ago, and then we had a magazine spread last month.”

When you blink up at him in surprise, he found himself getting a little conscious. “It’s… it’s not like I memorised it because of you, though!” he said, beginning to explain himself, “obviously a good actor remembers the things they’re a part of, right?”

When you giggled in response, a part of him started to feel… no, not worried, but something.

“No, no, I totally get that!” you raised your arms up in surrender, “I just meant like an actual acting gig, I guess? Nothing beats having a whole new script to learn, and getting to act with the people you admire. Right, Tenma-kun?”

Inclined to agree with you, he nodded in agreement. “Right…”

You looked at him with a blank stare on your face, like he was missing something (what was there for him to miss, though?) before quickly turning away to greet some of the production crew passing by with a wave and grin.

He, for once, managed to tune out the coos and comments of, “it’s so cute that they stayed friends after all these years!” and “aww look they even entered the set together!” in favour of wondering if there was something he said (or didn’t) that ended the conversation.

…

After filming finished for the day, he decided to lag behind instead of immediately leaving. He’s worked with a bunch of the cast beforehand, so it was a good thing to catch up with them.

“Mini Sumeragi,” one of his more… out there seniors, a friend of his father, began “are you gonna keep staring at their dressing room?”

Freezing up, he mentally took note to stop darting his eyes in that direction before anyone could make something out of it; it was too late, though, when the lead actress asked who occupied that room and several people replied your name in chorus.

“Ohoho~ our young boy is finally growing up,” the lead actor said with a grin, and the whole cast amusedly watched Tenma’s cool mask forming cracks.

“Could it be you’re waiting for them to go out? Is that why you’re staying behind to chat with us oldies?” none of them look the least bit offended, but while he was safe on that aspect, the little smirks and chuckles that escaped the others made him want to justify his actions somehow.

“It’s- it’s because I— have something to tell them!” Tenma explained, despite not knowing a) what he would even say to you, and b) that he was planning on talking to you in the first place. Even though all the signs were pointing to him wanting to do so, at least to an outsider’s perspective.

With widened eyes and an over-dramatised look of shock, the show’s director herself let out a gasp. “Sumeragi-kun, you don’t mean… you’re going to…“

Tenma’s perceptive after all, especially when it came to body language. He had to be as the Summer Troupe’s leader! He could tell there was something bothering you a while ago. As co-workers, he just doesn’t want you to have an issue with him is all! Not— not that he was super concerned about what you thought about him though, it was just—

“Tenma-kun?”

The whole group turned to look at the source of the voice, and who else could it be other than the devil itself.

“I’m glad you’re still here!” you exclaimed, a smile gracing your face as you approached the ginger. “I actually had something I needed to ask you about.”

“Huh? Oh, of course you did,” he crossed his arms, averting his eyes from your expectant gaze. “What did you want?” What— what else was he supposed to say?

Unexpectedly, you bring out your phone and hand it to him. Hold on, wasn’t this like those scenes in the dramas he acted in? Or Muku’s shoujo mangas? Where the main character would hand her phone to the guy she liked and asked for his number?

“Could we start chatting on LIME?” Tenma stiffened at your words, until you followed up with “Since you got into theatre before me, you’d probably have some tips or advice, right? I’m still inexperienced, so…”

After what felt like minutes, his thumbs quickly moved to enter his phone number, adding himself as a friend on your phone.

“I’m only doing this because it’s theatre related, okay? There’s no other reason!”

“Yes, yes, I know… Tenma-kun is always very nice to me,” with a closed-eyed smile making its way to your face, the both of you remained unaware of two things. First, the reddening of Tenma’s ears, and second, the hushed commentary of the others in the room.

“… that felt like a scene from a high school drama,” the director commented as soon as the both of you were out of earshot, looking contemplative, “they’re cute. Maybe I’ll cast them as the leads in my next show.”

Several laughs come out of the group, knowing glances thrown around from one person to another. The usually professional Sumeragi Tenma finally acting his own age, and the one who caused him to act that way. Whether you two knew it or not, you two’d become the hot topic amongst the crew for the next few filming sessions.

Unsurprisingly, Yuki’s the first one to notice something was up; while Tenma was good enough to be able to hide whoever it was he was chatting with on his phone, he was not slick enough to hide how affected he got upon hearing his phone ping, or the look on his face as he read and his fingers poised themselves to reply.

What kind of person gets smiley so early in the morning without eating breakfast, just because of a text message? Disgusting, really.

Also unsurprisingly, Kazunari’s second to notice, but unlike Yuki he’s the first to properly try and figure out who Tenma’s talking to instead of just making comments here and there.

After all, the blond can only conclude two things— first, they must be a special enough person to have the always busy actor chat with them consistently during his free time; second, Tenten… probably hasn’t noticed that he’s being so, so obvious to the point that Misumi thought their very own leader found a “very special triangle”.

Kazunari found it was a little difficult, trying to figure out who it was exactly that caught Tenma’s attention, especially with the latter keeping a tighter on his phone than usual.

However, it was not impossible.

It wasn’t uncommon for several members of the troupe to gather around the living room to watch the latest episode of whatever drama Tenma was currently in. It wasn’t that uncommon either for him to watch with everyone as well, judging his own acting and seeing how it turned out through the camera.

Tonight was different though, and it would seem that always having his phone on his possession had become his own boon… or perhaps the true boon was sitting in front of Kazunari, giving him the perfect view to have a bit of a peek without being evident about his intent.

…

Tenten—

Tenten, why—

Kazunari found himself sending a mental prayer to whatever deity existed in the universe, not just for his own sanity but for…

His eyes go to the one person on screen that Tenma’s clearly been hyper focused on. ‘Yes, I pray for your sanity, too…’ he thought to himself. It was so clear that you had some semblance of more-than-friendly interest towards his friend, and you were clearly fishing a compliment out of him— if not just for the sake of a compliment, then to gauge his interest level in you.

Honestly, he can’t let this go any further— him snooping getting revealed be damned. Tenma’s been typing and hitting the backspace key for a solid two minutes now, he was clearly hopeless, and Kazunari? Why, he was a texting MASTER— it was his duty to help out his poor disciple.

“Tenten~♪,” as soon as the ginger’s attention broke from the phone, he quickly grabbed the device out of said person’s grasp, ignoring his indignant noises as he quickly typed in a response that seemed in-character enough for Tenma, but enough to pander to you.

When Tenma finally got his phone back, Kazunari resisted the urge to take a photo of the former’s face, morphing and reddening as he registered the rest of the messages.

“Why’d you… why’d you call them cute?” Tenma whisper-shouted, looking around to make sure no one was listening in on their conversation, before turning back to Kazunari.

“Awww, so you don’t think they’re a cutie?” Kazunari asked, clearly baiting Tenma to refute.

“That’s not what I— that’s not the point!”

Unable to hold himself back, he let out a laugh while one of the more serious parts of the show was playing out, causing several people to look at him in wonder. He doesn’t really have an explanation without exposing Tenma, so he gave the vague excuse of seeing something funny on his phone.

Not his phone, but hot diggity dog, did he see something funny alright.

There was no way he’d ever admit this to you, or to anyone for that matter, but he genuinely doesn’t understand you. You were rivals, weren’t you? Sure he expected you to be civil, but you were being so friendly and kind… and even worse, you were making him feel weird. You were making him do things he normally wouldn’t do.

He glanced down, the newly bought bouquet of roses seated on his lap as he waited for the play to start— the opening night of the play you were going to be in.

Opening night… when the others found out about it, they gave him knowing glances, playful nudges, teasing comments but really, what did it matter if he just so happened to watch on opening night of all nights? It was the night he was free on!

Besides, you were his rival in acting! Obviously, he was going to watch your performance to simultaneously check out your strengths and weaknesses as an actor— how you differed on set and on stage.

… no, that didn’t sound right, even in his head.

Then, he’s watching you because you went through the trouble of asking him for tips about acting on stage, and getting into theatre. He’s kind of like your teacher, right? So he has to support you

… that didn’t sound right, either.

Even after the play ended, he waited for the audience area to be mostly deserted before coming to find you backstage, the stage manager apparently recognising him and letting him pass without much questioning on who he was here to see.

When he finally found you, he stilled in his spot. Oh, you were with…

For a few seconds, his stomach churned, like a fiery pit burning his insides on fire without so much a regard towards any pain he’d fill and—

“Tenma-kun!”

As quickly as it arrived, the fire gets extinguished at the familiar shout of his name. That person turned to you, quickly muttering something that made you giggle, the forming frown on his lips only leaving as the other man did.

“I’m really happy you came to watch me~” you told him, a little bashfully. “My parents couldn’t come tonight, so it was nice to have someone I recognised other than my manager in the crowd.”

Right, opening night was… a lot for him, too. Tenma nodded understandingly. “Obviously? Oh and congratulations, by the way, you did really well,” he added in, watching you gingerly take the bouquet of red roses from his grasp. Your eyes turned a little softer at the present, stuck on the little tag even though all that was written on that pre-made to and from card was your name and his respectively.

“I said I’d watch you, right? Besides, just because you’re my rival doesn’t mean I’m gonna go break a promise.”

You remained silent for a minute, and he worried again if he somehow found another thing that would cause you to stop talking to him, at least for a little while— a time period just enough to bother him.

When you break your silence, you make sure to make direct eye-contact with him.

“… rival?”

“Yes?”

With a heavy sigh, you began muttering to yourself. While he wasn’t able to pick up on comprehensible sentences, your expression was enough to tell him you were annoyed.

Before he could question you, the smile returned to your face.

“You think we’re rivals? That’s a shame… I don’t see you that way at all,” you remarked offhandedly, watching Tenma’s face morph into a mixture confusion and hurt.

“What? Do you not think I’m good enough to be your—“

“Okay! Stop the thought right now!” you interrupted, shaking your head vehemently. What kind of derivation was that? “I think of us as more than rivals, is what I mean.”

Tenma’s blush seared through his cheeks, looking almost as though his face was lit up on fire. Despite this, he made no attempt to move to shield his face from your gaze, or any movement at all really— save for how he sputtered in search of some semblance of a viable reply.

“What do you… what are you trying to imply? Are you saying you think of me as a friend or—“

He gets interrupted by the sound of you giggling. “Well, the meaning can be whatever you want it to be!” you exclaimed, the tone of your voice a little mischievous as you continued, “so just let me know which one, okay?~”

#a3! act! addict! actors! #a3! #tenma sumeragi #sumeragi tenma #cafe: dessert menu

[gangstalkersexposed]

Truth Comes to Light

Since I was a teenager, I was subjected to abuse by men who manipulated me to trust them.

*This is not an “anti-men” spew/blog. There are women involved, too. But the fact is, these men hurt me, manipulated me, gaslit me, groomed me, and then slandered my reputation with no consequences because no one gave a fuck about that kind of thing 10 years ago. I have spoken with justice departments for the past abuse, I was told I could file a report and have it “on hand” if these people continue to bother me/slander me/gangstalk me. I deleted the evidence, because when I tried to make police reports when these incidents first happened, I was blown off, laughed at, and ignored, by people who are suppose to protect teenagers from predatory adults, and trauma in general. I deleted the evidence because i got sick of being reminded of the pain...if I had hindsight and knew these people would continue to torment me, I would’ve kept it. Never delete anything. And to the 14-15 year olds out there thinking they’re special for talking to an older man...he is using you, he will leave you broken, with no care for you. Do not fall for the grooming and manipulation.

I will not be naming names. For the sole purpose of

1. These people will come across this blog, and know its about them.

2. I am not speaking to them, I am speaking to their souls...if there is any left present.

3. I do not want to fuel their fire. They can feel free to get mad about this, and expose themselves. They will not receive anymore of my energy.

4. If something happens to me, this is public information. The proper Justice Departments know the names of these people. I do not need the internet to go after them.

5. I am not out to ruin their lives. All I ask is they own up to what they’ve done/are doing TO THEMSELVES and STOP doing it. They are ruining their own lives just fine, they are miserable which is why they harass me and continue to try and steal my energy and tear my life down. These people have left their friends to die of ODs, they do not want to be exposed, it is their greatest fear.

When I was 15 years old, I met a guy at a local show through friends. He was pretty popular amongst the ladies, but I wasn’t into him like that. I saw him as a big brother, and he even agreed. One day he offered me to hangout, I accepted. When we got to his house, he kissed me and I didn’t really know how to react. Then it turned into making out, which turned into him fingering me. It all happened very quickly. I told him I was uncomfortable, and he knew I am a virgin and I don’t want my first time to be like this. He didn’t believe me. He over-powered me, bent me over, and raped me. He only stopped when he saw blood, and realized what he’d done. This man threatened my life if I went to the police. He was 20. I was 15. Of course I believed him. This man now has a wife and a child. I wish I had gone to the police, and still regret it to this day. I did confront this man before I got off social media. He told me some man I literally never met, told him that he took my virginity. I quickly realized this man I had never met was a scapegoat for his actions. When I called him out on it, he blocked me. I never told anyone about this, besides recently told a trusted friend, and then contacted authorities to see if there was anything that could be done/if evidence could be salvaged. You know who you are. Admit what you did. And stop slandering me. YOU made the choice to do what you did. I told you to STOP, NO, STOP, NO, I AM A VIRGIN, STOP.

Later in the year, I met a senior who went to my school. He was new, and came from another state. I hungout with older people most of the time, so we ended up chatting. I had a really big crush on him. He was 19 years old. We were in the same friend group on some occasions, and ended up clicking and exchanging numbers at one point. He told me he liked me, and wanted to be with me “but he could go to prison”. We did exchange photos during that time. 3 months before I turned 16, we began officially dating, or so I thought. It turns out, this man never told anyone we dated. When I made it public on my myspace page(lmfao) His Ex girlfriend flipped out on both me, and him, and threatened to send him to jail. He then told me we could “date in secret”...he was hooking up with girls his age the whole time. While making me out to look like a crazy, obsessed “little girl”. Well, you slept with me. You admitted to me that you used me. You even made a tumblr post about me how I was like a “dead fish in bed” because I had told all the girls you fucked behind my back what you were doing to me. I took this guy to New York...I never held his age over his head...I never wanted to cause him any pain. Literally, all I had for this man was “love”, really a stupid girl crush, but at the time it was my perception of “love”. It wasn’t until he made the tumblr post, that I threatened to go to the police, and its because I was horrified he’d made our sexual acts public...let alone sexual actions with a minor. This man then guilt tripped me into how his “life would be ruined” if I were to go to the police. Recently, his friends..who I didn’t know at first were his friends...started drama on the internet..they then doxxed my home address and phone number and called me threatening me under the false guise of one of their boyfriends being a police officer, when he is not (thats a felony btw...oof) If you are reading this, please leave me alone. You caused me a lot of trauma when I realized the truth about “us”, you caused me a lot of trauma when you made that tumblr post about me and made me out to look like a whore. I “loved” you, in a stupid teenager way. You knew I was struggling with God, you knew I was struggling with my family members death, and you sunk your claws into me, and to this day refuse to admit to others what you have done to me, hence your friends targeting and harassing me. You, are a sick coward. I don’t even want you to admit anything, at this point. I just want you to fuck off and eventually burn in Hell like you’ve always gloated about doing. Also seems like your literal, self-proclaimed, witch wife is sucking out the remnants of your soul, anyways. I hope this paragraph gives you a panic attack, karmas a bitch.

When I was 16, one of my friends joined a local band. I did date the one member for about 2 weeks, but he lived in a different state and we never actually hungout, so because of this we broke up. I still saw them at local shows, and my friend was still in the band. I assumed we were all friends/acquaintances, whatever. One day around 5-6PM, the one guy texts me and invites me out to a local show, he is covering for the drummer in his friends band. He assured me everyone else would be there, and he could give me a ride home. Once I arrived, he told me their set was over and tossed his bracelet on to the ground, and told me to “pick it up if I wanted to get in for free”. I asked him if that was a joke, and he said no. Things got very awkward, and tense..and they told me they wanted to get going. They then tell me, if I want a ride home, I would have to give them both blowjobs. I thought it was a joke. Until they actually left me there. Two weeks later, the one guy names a song after me, and told everyone it was about me. This song, was not written about me and was written about the lead singers ex girlfriend of the other band. I want to thank the vocalist for owning up to the truth, as he thought it was disgusting, too. The drummer, gave it a malicious name intertwining with mine as retaliation of me rejecting him. The bands involved in this were _______ pending legal consequences* I am also speaking to a lawyer about suing for slander, sexual harassment, endangerment of a minor (the one guy was 18), and emotional/mental abuse. If you guys are reading this, enjoy being extradited to my state for court. Once/If that is settled I will be posting their full names and court documents. If you are reading this, and want to avoid court, admit to what you have done. I will not hold it over your head in a legal manner. I will accept your apology, as long as you make it public like you made my slander and harassment and trauma, I had to relive that night everytime someone mentioned that band title. You two, hurt me that night. You knowingly lured me out to a show, in attempts to get sexual favors from me so I could get a ride home. The friends I met with after you left me for saying No, have also written statements against you both. The choice is yours.

I will stop here for tonight. For the next story is a long, complicated rollercoaster.

To give you a summary:

I met this man in 9th grade, and we were on & off from my sophomore year until late 2016, when I finally left him for becoming physically abusive. It is a long, long story. To this day, he attempts to torment me, and literally gang stalks me through his groupies, who are mostly women (jezebels)

Read my stories. Share them. Learn from them. Don’t do what I did. If you ever come across people like this, cut them off with no explanation. These people will gaslight you, manipulate you, torment you, feed you drugs, and try and drive you to suicide. They will do everything they possibly can to not be exposed once you see who they truly are,so don’t let them know you know, and just quietly walk away.

#abusesurvivor #speakup #abuse

[lilohno]

BASIC QUESTIONS

First name? “Lilo.”

Surname? “Pelekai.”

Middle names? “Makamae Kailea.”

Nicknames? “Weirdlo, Freaklo. My dad used to call me Sport.”

Date of birth? “March 11th, 2002.”

Age? “Nineteen.”

PHYSICAL / APPEARANCE

Height? “5′3.”

Weight? “119.”

Build? “Small.”

Hair color? “Black.”

Hair style? “Long.”

Eye color? “Brown.”

Eye shape? “I’ve got big eyes.”

Glasses or contact lenses? “Neither!”

Distinguishing facial features? “My dimples or laugh lines or whatever they are.”

Which facial feature is most prominent? “I don’t think anything stands out that much.”

Which bodily feature is most prominent? “My hair.”

Other distinguishing features? “Hm, nothing.”

Skin? “Tan.”

Hands? “Small.”

Make up? “I don’t wear makeup often. There’s no point. It’s just going to smear when I get in the water, and I’m always in the water.”

Scars? “A small faded line on my right shin, who knows how I got that.”

Birthmarks? “I don’t have any.”

Tattoos? “Nani would kill me. I should do it.”

Physical handicaps? “None.”

Type of clothes? “I like muumuus, shorts, tank tops and grass skirts.”

How do you wear their clothes? “I rock them!”

What are their feet like? “Usually shoeless. I don’t mind flip flops and sandals, but I’d rather be barefoot.”

Race / Ethnicity? “It’s a mixed bag.”

Mannerisms? “Overexaggerating.”

Are you in good health? “Yes.”

Do you have any disabilities? “Nope.”

PERSONALITY

What words or phrases do you overuse? “I don’t think I overuse anything.”

Do you have a catchphrase? “No, but I should. That’d be cool.”

Are you more optimistic or pessimistic? “Depends on the day.”

Are you introverted or extroverted? “Extra extro.”

Do you ever put on airs? “I am who I am, you get what you get.”

What bad habits do you have? “Letting my emotions control me.”

What makes you laugh out loud? “Stanley, he’s the funniest guy I know.”

How do you display affection? “I’m a gift giver, a hand holder and a hugger. I’ll also take a lot of pictures of you. A lot.”

Mental handicaps? “Sometimes I feel like I’m emotionally immature.”

How do you want to be seen by others? “Cool! I want people to think I’m cool.”

How do you see themselves? “Different. There’s not a lot of people like me.”

How are you seen by others? “Weird.”

Strongest character trait? “I would say my resilience.”

Weakest character trait? “Refusing to ask people for help.” 

How competitive are you? “Why, what are we playing? You’re going down, buddy!”

Do you make snap judgements or take time to consider? “I consider… whether or not the snap judgement I just made was good or not.”

How do you react to praise? “I get all smiley.”

How do you react to criticism? “I’m okay with criticism if it’s actually criticism, if it’s someone being bossy or mean, I’m gonna get mouthy.”

What is your greatest fear? “Car accidents.”

What are your biggest secrets? “You’ll find out over my dead body!”

What is your philosophy of life? “Where there is love there is life. That’s by Gandhi.”

When was the last time you cried? “On the plane ride here.”

What haunts you? “The time I told my mom she was the worst mom ever. I didn’t mean it. I hope she didn’t remember that.”

What are your political views? “People should be able to love who they love, race and sex shouldn’t change a thing, and if it’s your body, it’s your choice.”

What will you stand up for? “Everything I believe in.”

Who do you quote? “My mama and my daddy.”

Are you indoorsy or outdoorsy? “Outdoors! I wish I could just hang a hammock up and sleep on the beach every night.”

What is your sinful little habit? “Sneaking pictures of strangers.”

What sense do you most rely on? “My sight.”

How do you treat people better than you? “I try to learn from them.”

How do you treat people worse than you? “They’re only worse than me because they’re a bunch of stinky bullies… and I still treat them better than they treat me.”

What quality do you most value in a friend? “Uniqueness and goodness!”

What do you consider an overrated virtue? “Tolerance. I shouldn’t have to tolerate someone else being annoying if I don’t feel like it.”

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? “I wouldn’t change anything about myself. I like myself.”

What is your obsession? “Elvis freaking Presley.”

What are your pet peeves? “Being told what to do.”

What are your idiosyncrasies? “Before we moved I had to feed Pudge the fish every day. I hope someone is still feeding him. I hope he didn’t get mad at me.”

FRIENDS AND FAMILY

Is your family big or small? Who does it consist of? “It’s small. Right now there’s only me and Nani, but my mom and dad still count too. And Stanley, Stanley is my chosen family.”

What is your perception of family? “Family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.”

Do you have siblings? Older or younger? “Yeah, I’m the youngest.”

Describe your best friend. “He’s accepting, he’s funny, he likes me for who I am, he’s willing to learn and grow, and he’s loyal.”

Ideal best friend? “Stanley Jookiba.”

Describe your other friends. “I don’t have any other friends.”

Describe your acquaintances. “I don’t have any of those either.”

Do you have any pets? “I wish.”

Who are your natural allies? “Just Stanley.”

Who are your surprising allies? “Is Stanley surprising? If so, him. If not, no one.”

PAST AND FUTURE

What were you like as a baby? As a child? “I was happy. I was loud and headstrong and I stuck out like a sore thumb when I tried to bond with other kids. I haven’t changed all that much.”

Did you grow up rich or poor? “We did okay until it was just me and Nani.”

Did you grow up nurtured or neglected? “Nurtured. There was so much love.”

What is the most offensive thing you ever said? “Anything I said when I was mad at my parents. I didn’t mean it. I wish I could take it back.”

What is your greatest achievement? “My wall of Polaroids. They’re beautiful.”

What was your first kiss like? “This kid at school said I was too chicken to kiss a boy, so I kissed him. He didn’t like it much.”

What is the worst thing you did to someone you loved? “I’ve caused a lot of trouble for Nani. I don’t think she even cares.”

What are your ambitions? “To stop ocean pollution once and for all.”

What advice would you give your younger self? “Hug your parents every chance you get, and keep being you.”

What smells remind you of your childhood? “Sand.”

What was your childhood ambition? “To be the best hula dancer, just like my mom.”

What is your best childhood memory? “All the times we sat outside laughing at the silly constellations m mom would make up.”

What is your worst childhood memory? “The night my parents never came back home.”

Did you have an imaginary childhood friend? “I had a few.”

When was the last time you were crushed with disappointment? “When Nani told me we had to move.”

What past act are you most ashamed of? “One time I got into a fight and bit the girl. I got in trouble. I don’t know if I’m ashamed though, she deserved it.”

What past act are you most proud of? “The hula dancing competitions I won.”

Has anyone ever saved your life? “In a way, I feel like Stanley did.”

Strongest childhood memory? “Surfing with my dad. I’d sit on the board with him when I was too young to even walk, and he’d paddle us out to the middle of the ocean. I always thought it was so cool.”

LOVE

Do you believe in love at first sight? “Maybe.”

Are you in a relationship? “Ew, no.”

How do you behave in a relationship? “I’ve never been in one.”

When did you last have sex? “No, no, no!”

What sort of sex do you have? “And I’ll say again, ew.”

Have you ever been in love? “Only with Elvis.”

Have you ever had your heart broken? “I had to go to gravestones to tell my parents I graduated high school. Yes, my heart has been broken.”

CONFLICT

How do you respond to a threat? “Swingin’.”

Are you most likely to fight with their fists or their tongue? “My fists.”

What is your kryptonite? “Shaved ice.”

If you could only save one thing from their burning house, what would it be? “The last picture I have of my parents.”

How do you perceive strangers? “Interesting. Very interesting.”

What do you love to hate? “My big sister. I love her, but she’s annoying.”

What are your phobias? “I… I don’t like cars or storms very much.”

What is your choice of weapon? “My fists of fury!”

What living person do you most despise? “Freakin’ Mertle Edmonds.”

Have you ever been bullied or teased? “That’s all the kids back home did.”

Where do you go when you’re angry? “The beach. The ocean drowns out all of my feelings. Or I go into my bedroom and scream into a pillow.”

Who are your enemies and why? “If I had an archenemies it would be Mertle. She brought it on herself.”

WORK, EDUCATION AND HOBBIES

What is your current job? “I don’t have one, but I really need to get one. It’s getting harder and harder to afford film.”

What do you think about their current job? “Well, if you’re talking about school, it’s okay, but I’d rather be in Hawaii.”

What are some of your past jobs? “I get it! I’m a freeloader, okay? Don’t rub it in!”

What are your hobbies? “Surfing, swimming, photography, crafts, hula dancing… I may or may not dabble in a little black magic.”

Educational background? “I’m in my first year of college.”

Intelligence level? “I’m a smart kid, don’t doubt me.”

Do you have any specialist training? “No. I’m not in the CIA.”

Do you have a natural talent for something? “Surfing!”

Do you play a sport? Are you any good? “Does surfing count as a sport?”

What is their socioeconomic status? “I’m probably on the bottom.”

FAVORITES

What is your favorite animal? “Fish! I also like dogs! But fish!”

Which animal do you dislike the most? “Humans.”

What place would you most like to visit? “I’m not interested in being anywhere but home. That’s where I’d go.”

What is the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen? “The ocean.”

What is your favorite song? “Blue Hawaii, but it’s a close tie between anything Elvis.”

Music, art, reading preferred? “Music.”

What is your favorite color? “Um… blue. Maybe.”

What is your password? “K1ngElv1sTh3K1ng.”

Favorite food: “Kalua pork.”

What is your favorite work of art? “Reflection Of You by Walfrido.”

Who is your favorite artist? “Elvis!”

What is their favorite day of the week? “Saturday.”

POSSESSIONS

What is in their fridge? “Pineapple slices. Nothing else. Well, whatever Nani has in there. I haven’t been grocery shopping yet.”

What is on your bedside table? “My lamp, a couple of seashells and one of my dad’s old books.”

What is in your car? “I don’t drive.”

What is in your bin? “A ripped up drawing I messed up on last night.”

What is in your purse or wallet? “I keep our last family picture in there or under my pillow. I have my student ID a few emergency bucks too.”

What is in your pockets? “Probably sand, some old candy and ants.”

What is their most treasured possession? “The only picture I have with my parents.”

SPIRITUALITY

Who or what is your guardian angel? “I know it’s my mom.”

Do you believe in the afterlife? “Yes.”

What are your religious views? “I just know there has to be something else.”

What do you think heaven is? “The place my parents are waiting for me.”

What do you think hell is? “Scary…”

Are you superstitious? “Very.”

What would you like to be reincarnated as? “Ooh, I wanna be a fish! Or a whale! Or maybe a dolphin!”

How would you like to die? “I don’t want to think about that. Please don’t make me think about that.”

What is your spirit animal? “The humuhumunukunukuapua’a.”

What is your zodiac sign? “Pisces.”

VALUES

What do you think is the worst thing that can be done to a person? “Belittling someone for who they are, making them feel like they have to change.”

What is your view of ‘freedom’? “Being able to swim whenever you want.”

When did you last lie? “I told Nani that it was okay we had to leave. It’s not okay.”

What’s your view of lying? “It’s not a good thing to do.”

When did you last make a promise? “A few months ago.”

Did you keep or break your last promise? “I keep my promises. All of them.”

DAILY LIFE

What are your eating habits? “I eat a lot of fruit. I love fruit.”

Do you have any allergies? “I wish I was allergic to broccoli.”

Describe your home. “Home was Kaua’i, the bedroom I grew up in, my parents’ house. What we have here isn’t a home, it’s just a house.”

Are you minimalist or a clutter hoarder? “I’m a hoarder.”

What do you do first thing on a weekday morning? “Hit snooze.”

What do you do on a Sunday afternoon? “Take a walk on the beach.”

What do you do on a Friday night? “Stay up too late watching alien documentaries and YouTube conspiracy theories. Don’t tell Nani.”

What is your soft drink of choice? “Fanta.”

What is your alcoholic drink of choice? “I cannot legally answer this question.”

MISCELLANEOUS

What or who would you dress up as for Halloween? “I’ve been all sorts of things! I’ve been a vampire, I’ve been Elvis more than once, a witch, a princess… I think I want to be a mermaid this year.”

Are you comfortable with technology? “I’m uncomfortable with how easy it is for people to hide behind a screen and be mean to each other.”

If you could save one person, who would it be? “Stanley.”

If you could call one person for help, who would it be? “Nani, if I had to.”

What is your greatest extravagance? “Camera film. That’s where all my money goes.”

What is your greatest regret? “Taking my parents for granted.”

What is your perception of redemption? “Saying sorry and meaning it. That’s all it really takes to be redeemed, isn’t it?”

What would you do if you won the lottery? “Buy my house back.”

What is your favorite fairytale? “The Ugly Duckling.”

What fairytale do you hate? “The Princess and The Pea. Who can feel a pea under that many mattresses? You can’t! Being a princess doesn’t give you some sort of other wordly status! It’s frustrating!”

Do you believe in happy endings? “I don’t know anymore.”

What is your idea of perfect happiness? “Kaua’i is happiness.”

What would you ask a fortune teller? “I’d ask them if my parents are watching over me, and if they’re proud.”

If you could travel through time, where would you go? “I’d go back to the night my mom and dad died, and I wouldn’t let them leave the house. I’d make sure they stayed safe at home with me.”

What sport do you excel at? “Dodgeball. I like chucking the balls at people’s heads.”

What sport do you suck at? “Football, it’s too confusing.”

If you could have a superpower, what would you choose? “The ability to breathe underwater!”

#wow i love her #walttasks #tasks.

[regrettablewritings]

May I ask for 11, 14, 22 and 28 for Benoit Blanc if you don’t mind?

Certainly! Stuff below the cut!

Disclaimer: I personally headcanon Benoit’s s/o as being somewhere on the spectrum. I know not everyone identifies with this so I’ll also be including snippets of otherwise when I deem it necessary for accessibility. Happy reading!

11. What do they hide from one another?: Benoit isn’t really secretive about himself. He may avoid being upfront about his intentions (most often with regards to a case), but even then he tends to come out with the truth eventually, and with such a sense of calm that it’s more like he simply went along with peoples’ assumptions of him. But when you two start seeing each other more seriously, he does feel a tiny bit embarrassed of the fact that he may not be as up to date on all manners of slang, pop culture, etc as he would like to be. It’s not a hidden thing, really; it was a given there would be a bit of a gap there, what with the slight age difference going on. But he’s supposed to be one of the greatest detectives out there, isn’t he? He may not take the title seriously but he surely has some vagueness of an image to uphold, right? He has to have tabs on everything. Besides, deep down, he wants to seem impressive to you. Like I said, it’s not so much hidden . . . but the tab to Urban Dictionary sort of is. You hadn’t even meant to find it, you just needed to use his laptop for a quick moment when -- “. . . Ben? What, uh . . . what’s up with --. . . Why do you need to know what ‘guap’ is?” “It’s for a case, darlin’!” He has since become a little less afraid of asking you what certain terms mean. You, on the other hand, aren’t exactly as candid as your other half . . . (Spectrum Option) You weren’t exactly sure what possessed you enough to think you could skirt by without him noticing. The man was a detective after all; surely he would’ve noticed at some point that there were some things . . . amiss about you. Sure, he could chalk up your difficulty holding eye contact to shyness; everyone used fidgeting devices now, so that you had quite a few on your desk as well as on your person wasn’t anything spectacular. But surely he noticed that whenever things got too loud or rowdy at the station you disappeared; that you seemed to get particularly upset when your system was thrown off; how certain textures were enough to completely rattle you; that you had a speech pattern that could, in a word, be described as  . . . “unique.” Besides that, you knew it was silly to hide the fact that you were autistic: It was nothing to be ashamed of! It was simply how your mind worked and you were doing the best you could with it. And you wanted to say you were doing pretty well in most regards, but past social experiences had a way of convincing you otherwise. Particularly in the romance department. Potential date mates would get thrown off by your seemingly stony expression or occasionally flattened tones; they didn’t always find themselves impressed by your preference of going slow; sometimes your methods of stimming threw them off; and that was if they could even get you to stop being so anxious about certain social interactions. You knew deep down that Benoit wouldn’t be like that; he was far too kind to. But also, what if?! Eventually, before the courting got too, too serious, you felt it would just be better to be honest and open with him about it. You owed yourself that much. Thankfully, you never really needed to know what the “what-if” could be, as it turned out that you were right: Benoit already kind of knew you were somewhere on the spectrum after his first few interactions with you. Having more intimate encounters during your courtship honestly all but confirmed it. This isn’t his first, fifth, or even tenth rodeo wherein he’s encountered and befriended someone who’s neurodivergent, after all. He understands to a point why you wouldn’t necessarily jump to telling him, however, though he’s glad you felt comfortable enough with him to confide that. (Non-Spectrum Option) Honestly, it’s hard to hide anything from the last of the Gentleman Sleuths. He’s so perceptive that even if it meant hiding snacks from him, you’d eventually come back to your desk to find him eating your stash of Craisins. The one thing you have managed to keep a secret, though? Your old fanfiction identity. In your teens, you were scribbling down fics anywhere you could get them: Fanfiction.net, Quizilla, Blogspot . . . On one hand, you thank the experience for giving you practice with proper writing skills, which is part of what earned you the job you have. But on the other . . . they just weren’t the greatest showcase of who you were, young or not. And Benoit does not need to know about the shipping wars you started on accident. Thankfully, Quizilla is gone and nobody really uses Blogspot anymore . . . But sometimes he asks you if you’d ever read or watched books and movies you just so happened to specialize in, or what your thoughts were, and you can’t help but wonder if that blond bastard is on to you.

14. When one has a cold, what does the other do?: The moment you appear to be under the weather, Benoit’s already activating Mother Hen Mode. He summons the Mama Blanc in him and already has you laying down in bed or propped up on the couch with some quiet music playing or a court procedural drama playing while he’s in the kitchen making homemade chicken soup. If you put up a struggle eating or are too tired to feed yourself, he’s not above feeding you. He’s going to make sure that you eat at least enough to be able to take half a zinc tablet without getting sick, and make sure you drink plenty of water and vitamin C. And God help you if you think you can just do work from home because even if you’re not experiencing the worst cold, he’s not convinced you should be up and about instead of resting. At most, he’ll let you sit on the couch instead of staying cooped up in your room all day. He’ll even join you, often times sitting next to you and reading through files he brought home from his own casework. He doesn’t really mind the close contact in spite of your protests. Which is annoying because when he inevitably catches your cold, he’s more fussy than you are. Not in the man flu fashion, but he’s a lot more stubborn about resting. He knows it’s what’s best, but he’s so used to handling himself over the years that he’s gotten into the habit of doing as much work as he can before dropping, with self-care just happening to take place between his illness naps. You have to actually scold him and hide his files for a bit until he eventually falls asleep thanks to his exhaustion and the medicine you make sure he takes. Because of this, you’re more task-oriented when Benoit is sick. Certainly, you make sure that he’s eating the proper things and taking the right vitamins and medication and getting enough rest, but between all that you’re also making sure that he has less to worry about. You quietly clean around the house, you do the laundry, you run as many errands for him as you can (groceries, dry cleaning, etc), you even meal prep. That way when he gets better, he’s better in a cleaner house with next to nothing to worry about besides the paperwork he’d had taken away from him earlier. As much of a fight as he puts up at first, he truly does appreciate your generosity and kindness. He’d kiss you if it weren’t for the fact that he’s still a bit sniffily.

22. Where does their first kiss happen?: In the filing room. Sexy, right? You were technically still courting at this point but it was undoubtedly clear that things were getting serious. Nobody said anything about it, though. After all, was now, in the middle of a potential scandal, really the best time to talk about going steady? Probably not. Though you’d be lying if you said the thought didn’t buzz around in your head all day and all night. You had to be professional about this. Just as Benoit is, you reminded yourself as you watch him reading through the files you’d given him moments earlier. His brow furrowed before slapping the manila folder shut. “Well, that’s a crock of shit,” he muttered. “Hm?” you questioned, perking up. Maybe he needed input? He certainly seemed to be seeking yours more often as of late. You tried not to shiver when he focused those icy blue eyes of his on you. “This doesn’t make any sense,” Benoit explained, giving the file in his hand a gentle flap. “Carters doesn’t even have a history of violence; I sincerely doubt he suddenly became overwhelmed with the temptation to attempt fratricide all over some rather tacky jewelry. Which therefore begs the question. . .” He paused dramatically. “What do you suppose would cause a man to jump from petty theft in high school to murder in his mid-thirties?” You shrugged. “Bad friends,” you half-joked. It gave Benoit further pause. “. . . What ever happened to that accomplice of his? From the petty theft?” he questioned. Obviously, you didn’t have the answers; but the department filing room most likely did. Somewhere amongst the many boxes and cabinets, lined up in crammed and musty-smelling aisles, lay the answer. And, to your dismay, it appeared to be on a shelf a little higher than you were tall, serving as a load-bearing wall against other boxes of files. You grimaced as you arched your feet once more, attempting yet another lurch forward to reach. You weren’t sure who let this section of the filing room get this bad but whoever it was (you were sure it was Debbie; it was probably freaking Debbie), you were going to wring their neck. “(Y/N), really, I insist --” Benoit began, but you were quick to cut him off. “No, no, Mr. Blanc,” you insisted. “I got this.” You couldn’t see him press his lips into a thin line. “You know, it’s perfectly fine to call me by my name,” he said. “Mhm,” you grunted. “’M just . . .keeping it professional.” Dammit! Your fingers had just brushed the edge! Just a bit more -- “This isn’t a situation for HR, I technically don’t really work here,” you heard him chuckle. “And anyway, stop being so stubborn, and let me help.” “It’s fine!” Really, it was: You managed to nudge the box closer. “(Y/N), be reasonable.” You suddenly felt warmth against your back. Oh. Oh, God. He was pressing up against you as he leaned forward. You felt your cheeks burn at the stimuli. With far more ease, he nudged the box close enough to the edge to where it could easily fall into your waiting hands. Unfortunately, any relief was short-lived: Truly, the box was load-bearing. You yelped as the threat of musty cardboard and decades worth of paperwork threatened to fall on you . . . only for it not to actually be carried out. You glanced upward to find Benoit, once again, leaning forward. Just enough to shove the materials further on the shelf. You hear him huff and chuckle. “See? I bet you’re real happy now that I came along, aren’t you?” You turned just enough to glare at him. It didn’t last: Nobody can really find themselves glaring at Benoit Blanc for long whenever he had a smile on his face. At the very least, you couldn’t. He had that effect on you and you wanted to despise it so dearly, at the very least now you did. But you just couldn’t. Nor could you bring yourself to turn your face away as you noticed him leaning in closer. You had to be honest: You never took Benoit for the sort of man capable of performing such a strong liplock. Strong, warm, yet sweet and enticing -- “BLANC!” The sudden cry was more than enough to make you part. There, in the threshold, stood your less than amused superior, arms crossed and glowering. “Do you really think that this is the place to be making out?” Lt. Elliot demanded. You whimpered, hiding your blushing face behind the box still in your arms. He didn’t wait for a response. Instead, he scoffed and stormed off, feeling his point had been made. As you began your walk of shame out of the room, you hissed at your newly acquired boyfriend, “This is why I wanted to keep things professional!” To your dismay (and deeply hidden amusement), however, Benoit appeared to be unfazed. If anything, he seemed quite pleased with himself. He chuckled as he placed an arm about your lower back. “Oh, admit it: You didn’t mind being a little unprofessional.” He didn’t need to use his smarts to deduce that, and you hated that.

28. Why do they get jealous?: Benoit rarely gets jealous. He trusts you enough, and he trusts the bond you two share a great deal. But on the rare occasion he exhibits what would be called jealousy, it’s usually because of one of two things: Either A) someone manages to best him at wits or glamor and it appears to impress you, or B) someone younger (and hungrier) than he approaches you. The reasons why these are rare occasions, though, are simple. For the first bit, Benoit is mighty smart. He won’t go as far as to consider himself a downright genius, but he’s aware enough to know that his mind thinks a bit more broadly and rapidly than the average person’s. Sometimes, though, the lifestyle he runs brings him to circles where he must interact with great minds. And sometimes, as you are often his companion for certain circumstances, you may meet, say, an Ivy League alumnus who isn’t afraid to kiss you on the hand as a greeting or give you a grand tour of their vast estate while Benoit has to hold interviews. And as for the second bit, Benoit knows and accepts he’s no spring chicken. He also knows he may not be fast and furious in terms of romance, and some younger folk may find that tedious. The worst case is if that Yale graduate with the big fancy mansion is also around your age. But he also knows you. In the end, any insecurities he might have about his lifestyle or age are squashed because he knows you’re not the sort to just grab onto anyone just because they’re rich, shiny, and new. You’re honest and know what you do and don’t want, and he also knows that even if you’re having internal battles with your thoughts and feelings, you eventually come out with them. That’s how he knows you thought that one heir to the Havington Spa empire was a bit of a pompous douchebag, or why you were bored listening to that one poet who many saw as a prospective Nobel Prize winnter. You try not to get jealous yourself. Maybe you put him on a pedestal, but you certainly see a lot of value and endearment in the likes of Benoit: He’s smart, handsome, understanding, kind . . . Maybe a bit ambitious and odd, but nothing too terrible. He was, without a doubt, one of your favorite people to be around. But sometimes, you worried if he could potentially be another’s favorite as well. There had been the occasional case where his gentleman charm appealed to a woman involved, usually suspects but occasionally they were just vaguely related the the situation and decided to throw their two cents in, if only to have more of a chance to be around Benoit. You couldn’t tell if maybe you were reading too into it, or if Benoit was ignoring them or even flat out oblivious to their efforts, but come on: There’s only so much ignoring a man can do when a lady has her bust pressed up against his arm! But what really drove you nuts was whenever she’d initiate banter with him. One of the best ways to the detective’s heart was wit. And sometimes, to your dismay, these cases would include women who could make hogwash sound like Shakespeare. And that they made it look so easy drove you insane! But luckily, that was about as far as the women would get: The best way to Benoit’s heart was embracing the unusual, which was startling against the backdrop of a prim and proper gentleman they assumed him to be. They’d quirk a brow when he found himself making odd little rhymes, stand by awkwardly as he monologued to himself, and assume he was joking whenever they came upon him singing showtunes or making references to musicals. You, however, responded accordingly: You’d echo his limericks to feel them for yourself, listen and take notes of his allegories so you could contribute your own thoughts, and joined in on whatever song he brought up. In the end, you needn’t really be jealous because he’s already made up his mind: You’re his favorite person. And there isn’t a pair of doe eyes and a thesaurus mouth that’s going to change it. But still: You’d rather not take that risk!

I got carried away in some areas I think . . . But hopefully it turned out okay!

Character Ship Headcanons

#benoit blanc x reader #benoit blanc #benoit blanc imagine #benoit blanc imagines #regrettablewritings #character ship headcanons #character ship meme #it has occurred to me i have a tendency of switching tenses... #hm...don't like that much #but i also don't like having to go back and fix everything...

[amethystiridescence]

I debated a lot about whether to post this as I'm worried about it being misconstrued but I feel there's a lot of points that merit discussion. I'd definitely be open for people's thoughts on it.

tl;dr: society has an unhealthy deeply interwoven obsession with sex/romance as a be all and end all, and I think it's a large contributor to sexual violence against women.

Regarding the discussions that Sarah Everad’s case has reawoken, there are few voices trying to invalidate the most common argument by saying “there’s no point telling men not to rape/murder because the messed up men will do it anyway”. But this is an extreme simplification of the matter at hand. The issue lies with the perpetrators of course and NEVER the victims. But we need to explore what breeds the mentality of the perpetrators as SO many women have recounted their experiences, so it’s obvious that the problem is widespread at varying levels. The levels range from the simplest catcaller to cases like Elliot Rodger and Sarah Everad’s killer.

My belief is that a lot of the mentality surrounding the violence and aggression towards women stems from male entitlement. That phrase alone is a buzzword, and again its often used with a simple-cut phrase with “women don’t owe men anything” which is entirely true, but whilst unlearning entitlement is a step further than telling men “don’t rape”, its still not tackling the problem at its roots.

Men in our society have been exposed to lifelong conditioning through mass media and social-engineering. We are more than familiar with movies/tv series where romantic/sexual attention from a woman is often a reward/end goal for the male protagonists. Sometimes there are men pitted against each other vying for the affections of a woman like it’s a coveted prize, and it’s normalised with humorous portrayal. Or sometimes sexual/romantic interest is not a reward, it’s a given, no matter what kind of person the male character is; see any series where a conventionally unattractive/unpleasant man always keeps his devoted, conventionally attractive wife despite his obvious flaws (Peter Griffin, Homer Simpson, Fred Flintstone). Then of course there’s the normalising of not taking no for an answer and constantly persisting and being rewarded eventually for it; for example The Notebook is considered a very romantic film but the male character literally threatens to kill himself to make her agree to date him. And of course there’s very damaging concepts presented by films like the 40 Year Old Virgin, but we’ll come to the negative sex-shaming in a tick.

Luckily thanks in huge part to movements like #MeToo, the idea of consent and ‘no means no’ is being more consistently normalised in modern mass media. Netflix’s Sex Education explores this but it’s still guilty of making the female love interest the end prize goal for the male protagonist.

Now it’s not just in media that this environment of coveting sexual/romantic affection as the ultimate goal is encouraged. Its a socially-engineered thing. A lot of us are aware of the double standard in which men are revered/congratulated by their peers for being sexually/romantically popular with women whereas women are shamed, but we often don’t talk about the poisonous culture in which men who aren’t sexually/romantically active or “successful” are shamed and humiliated. How many times have we witnessed people shaming or embarrassing their mates for not having a romantic partner or ‘not getting some’ or even worse, for being a virgin? The culture surrounding virginity is disgusting, it’s both shamed and coveted. This also ties into insults surrounding size/functionality of genitalia and how men are taught that’s one of the worst kind of insult they can receive. Same goes for insults surrounding “haha you can’t get laid/get any”. Plus some men deliberately pass down this mentality and on top they encourage younger male peers/family members to “keep at it” and “don’t take no for an answer” as if teaching younger men how to ‘get women’ is an important lesson that must be passed on.

One thing that’s also alarming is that this taught drive for sexual/romantic attraction is so inbuilt that men are taught to bypass a lot of principles for the chance of it, such as lying about their interests or faking a personality to keep a woman interested. I’ve also seen men forgiven for tardiness because they ‘got lucky the night before’ (that expression itself feeds into this ‘covet/reward’ culture). Only last week I was watching a video about how women were sexually harassed with deeply unpleasant/objectifying comments online whilst doing Twitch streams and I saw a man reply “Women complain all the time about getting attention, they have no idea how lucky they are, I’d kill for a woman to desire me like that”. Men are inherently taught by both peers and media that their entire self-worth is largely determined by whether they receive romantic/sexual attention, no matter how insincere/damaging it is. Hell, even when discussions about men who’ve committed atrocities against women come up, instead of sympathising with the women who have been hurt and those whose are more scared as a result, men instead tend to lament “men like this guy ruin it for other men, they spoil my chances with other women because women assume I’m like him”. A lot of this is a large part of why incel culture is more dangerously rife than it should ever be. The mere words ‘involuntarily celibate’ are all that’s wrong with what I’m discussing.

Lets be clear, society’s inbuilt social hierarchy around sexual/romantic frequency is poisonous to everyone, especially women and the way so many shape their lives around how ‘attractive’ they’re perceived as, and of course the damage it does to the barely-fledged self esteems and images of teenage girls.

Plus both genders suffer in nearly equal ways under some lenses. People who choose to live without a romantic partner are assumed to be “unable to find love” or “unfortunately lonely” (although its worth noting the semantic sexism of bachelor vs spinster). People who are virgins beyond their teens, hell even just beyond legal age, are pitied/shamed. And people stay in abusive relationships because society's taught us that being unhappy is better than being alone. It’s impossible for people to pass through life without being subject to the social perception of how ‘successful they are in love/sex’.

But in particular with men, it’s incredibly dangerous as it destroys how men perceive themselves, teaching them that women are a given or a prize and if they don’t receive, they’re shamed. Combine that with social engineering of which in general, men are taught to express their anger/frustration with physical exertion or violence. This lays groundwork for male entitlement at its most damaging and dangerous, because not only does it wreck the mental health of men who constantly wonder why they’re not getting what the world taught them they should receive, it also sows the seeds of violent thinking in some. How many times have we as women (as is our basic right) refused the advances of men in public and they’ve responded angrily, and sometimes they’ve been laughed at by their peers as it happens. Humiliation is a degrading and powerful thing and for those who’ve been taught to react aggressively to situations, those with weaker self-esteems (thanks to a myriad of sexist reasons eg 'man up') and those with lack of proper mental health help (again, a huge male-centric problem eg;'boys don't cry'), it can lead to breeding resentment, self-loathing, sometimes suicidal tendencies but more crucially, the anger/vengeance/entitlement that resides in would-be stalkers, rapists and murderers. Elliot Rodger called his murderous rampage a “Day of Retribution” as he lamented “having been at college and still being a virgin” and said he had “no choice to exact revenge on the society that had “denied” him sex and love. He targeted a sorority whose members he had deemed the “hottest” at his college, “the kind of girls I’ve always desired but was never able to have”.

You can see I’ve been carefully trying to toe a line between not excusing the behaviour of men who treat women horribly as a result of all this and more, but also understanding the damaging conditioning in which society has woven. Teaching men “don’t rape” and “women don’t owe you anything” are basic steps, but we need to tackle issues deeper than that. We need to stop teaching everyone that being sexually/romantically desired is NOT the be all and end all of life, that being sexually/romantically desirable is not the sum of someone’s self-worth, and that there is NO shame in being without a partner or not being sexually active.

I understand that society’s obsession with sex/romance/attraction is deeply interwoven and its not going to be unlearned in a day, but can you imagine a world where teenagers are raised being told that their attractiveness/desire popularity doesn’t define their worth to others. Can you imagine a world where women don’t constantly make the majority of their concerns about how attractive people perceive them as before how kind/intelligent they’re perceived as? Can you imagine a world where people don’t feel pressured into sex as virgins, or pressured into relationships where they’re unhappy because it’s better than being alone? Where someone can be without a partner and be their own person without people assuming that its chosen solitude and not liberated independence.

I know romantic/sexual companionship is very central to how the majority of people operate. But consider this, a world where sex/romance isn’t a heavily pressurised must-do, but an opt-in and opt-out path where people can explore at their own pace and with their own limitations and boundaries without people constantly passing judgement on it. Its an idealistic idea, and seeing the way that asexuals are mistreated is another factor in just how society shames those who opt-out of sexual activity. But I believe a lot of this discussion can lead to more practical steps than saying “don’t rape”

How about;

Don’t shame anyone for being a virgin at any age.

Don’t shame anyone for not having a partner.

Don’t shame anyone for not being sexually active.

Unlearn phrases like “get lucky” and “winning the girl/heart”.

Don’t use insults aimed at size/functionality of genitalia.

Don’t insult people based on their appearance.

Just a few ideas to start undoing the entitlement culture that puts so many women in danger.

And of course, wearily I’ll state the disclaimers.

None of this behaviour discussed excuses even the most ‘harmless’ of catcalls, let alone the reprehensible behaviour of the worst offenders. I just think it’s important to understand the finer points of what breeds this consistent societally inbuilt violence and hatred against women. I really really cannot state this too much, this is not a victim-blame, women do not deserve a single infinitesimal part of anything they've gone through just because they insulted some dude's penis.

Being sexually/romantically active is never ever a bad thing of course provided it’s legal, safe and fully consensual. It just shouldn’t be the only path that people feel forced to take.

Briefly, someone might argue that its okay for me to promote that being sexually inactive is all peachy keen is hypocritical when I'm in a happy relationship, but if I was single, you could just as easily argue that I'd be trying to validate being without a partner for my own gratification.

And yes. We know. Not all men. I know plenty of people, not just men who see past a lot of the shaming and conditioning, and continue to liberate themselves from society’s warped expectations of what they should be doing with their lives. But try this, YES ALL MEN are subject to this sexual/romantic obsession that the world forces on them. When a director chooses to have a man portrayed as the butt of a joke because he’s rebuffed by a woman, he’s sending out a message to all men that some of their worth is determined on whether a woman accepts their affections. Whenever a man snidely jokes to his friends that someone he knows can’t get a woman, he teaches his friends that their lives are only validated on whether they can attain partners. Not all men may not be predatory. But all men are targeted by this conditioning. And as a result of all this, all women are afraid.

Followup: Men receiving non romantic affection is largely shamed as well and as a result its not nearly as common as it should be. Men receiving platonic affection doesn't happen nearly as much as it should, because men are taught that platonic affection is never platonic because if it comes from men it must be gay, and if it comes from women, it must come from a place of attraction. This can tie into the larger discussions already at hand regarding men's mental health and the lack of support it recieves.

#metoo #survivor #thoughts

[jootsmcgoots]

MBC Selfshipping Prompts #1: First Dates (Risotto Nero)

WOO BOY so Haley started a weekly Selfship Prompt event over at MBC, and I wanted to write it out! And so I did. 

Mind you, this uses my self-insert, Niko, so it’s going to be using that name and female pronouns. This work got away from me, so it ended up being 2422 words (even when I meant for this to be less than 2k words......lmaooo...)

I will get around to posting my reader inserts soon, but not yet LOL I’ll get around to it when I get around to it. This blog is still very much a WIP because I still need to re-reblog a LOT of content from the old blog.

But for now, this is what I’m writing and I wanted to post it up. I may write another for Mista, but we’ll see (ﾉ´ヮ´)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

So as the title implies, this is the first of the prompts, and it’s “First Dates”.

Niko let out a yawn as she sleepily looked out at the busy street. Her eyes scanned the droves of people walking around, trying to scope out her target. Dark eyes blinked as she studied the faces of men nearing her, trying to determine if they were the one she was looking for. When they passed by her, she shrugged internally.

Her phone’s clock read 10:47 AM. She knew they agreed to meet around 11, but it never hurt to be early. “And anyways, better to be early than late, right? Right.” She still couldn’t help getting bored easily, and the anxiety and tension building in her chest continued to rise as the seconds passed.

“Calm down, calm down,” she thought to herself, “It’s just a date; you’ve been on dates before! Just treat it like you’re just hanging out with a friend.” Niko let out the breath she was holding and took her phone out, idly browsing it in order to distract herself. “Plus, it’s Mimi’s brother. There’s no way he’d be the bad kind of sort. She wouldn’t set us up if she thought we weren’t going to get along.”

Still, she had to admit she was surprised when her friend made the suggestion and arrangements. Niko recalled as her friend more or less pushed the aquarium tickets into her hand and snatched her phone to punch in her brother’s contact info.

“It’ll be nice, I promise! He’s a really great guy, and I think you two will hit it off!” Mimi flashed the smaller woman a grin. “Plus, he needs to get out more often.”

Niko’s mouth formed a slight line as she remembered how she had asked her friend for a photo of her date, but Mimi’s grin only grew with amusement.

“Oh, don’t worry about that! You’ll know when you see him.”

A noise of annoyance escaped Niko’s throat. “Dude, what does that even mean?” Her brow creased as she tried to think on what that could have meant, but quickly gave up, deciding it was too much effort. Her eyes absentmindedly left her phone screen to scope out her surroundings again.

Except her eyes bugged out as they fell on a large, foreboding man in dark clothing who towered over most if not all of the other people walking along. Whether by his size or presence, people seemed to naturally get out of his way as he continued making his way down the street. Everything about him exuded a quiet kind of power, from the way he walked, his stern expression, his hulking, muscular frame…

Though she remained completely stock-still, Niko shook her head inwardly. “No, no, maybe it’s not him! Maybe it’s just your regular, big, muscular, scary-lookin’ dude with fucking black sclera and red eyes, just walkin’ down the street for a stroll! All decked out in black and has the kinda expression that says, ‘hey so if you piss me off, I’m going to rip your limbs off’! Totally normal! Yeah! Hahaha!”

However, despite the thousands of thoughts going through her head at miles a minute, Niko knew. Now she understood what Mimi had meant by “You’ll know.” When the man stopped in front of her, it was undeniable that this man was indeed her date.

She could feel red eyes roving over her, studying her. If looks could kill, Niko felt like she would have been smote where she stood from the intensity of his stare alone.

Risotto’s unblinking crimson stare studied the woman before him. She certainly matched the picture and profile his sister had given him. Petite and girlish stature, short black hair that swept to the right, glasses, gold studs in her lobes, everything matched. He noted how she was sporting a mint green frog backpack, just like she’d specified she would so that he could recognize her easier. How thoughtful of her to suggest that in the first place. He couldn’t deny that he appreciated the consideration.

He was an observant man and was well-aware of his perception skills. After all, it was an invaluable skill in his line of work. However even without his sharp senses, there was no missing the look of surprise, awe, and slight fear in his date’s flabbergasted visage. Her eyes were wide, brows raised to the sky and jaw slack, lips seeming to form the beginnings of “Oh my god.”

Risotto let out a nearly imperceptible huff of amusement. His sister was right; this woman’s face hid nothing. He couldn’t help but smile a little at that candidness.

Introductions were short and awkward, but they served their purposes. Once acquainted, the pair could proceed with their date. Their itinerary was rather basic, just go to an aquarium and get some food together. Simple enough.

However, conversation was rather sparse as they made their way to their destination. Without any prior knowledge or known common ground, Niko was unsure of what to talk about, and Risotto was a taciturn individual by nature.

He didn’t dislike the small talk that she was trying to make, asking him things like what he did, what his hobbies were, but it required him to think carefully about his responses. It wasn’t exactly appropriate to vent about how little you were being paid to kill people on a first date.

What were you even supposed to talk about on a first meeting like this anyways? It had been far too long since he had tried connecting with someone new, let alone someone not affiliated with Passione. Though Risotto’s face remained as placid as ever, worry and nerves began bubbling beneath the surface as he picked up on the traces of worry and discomfort on his date’s face, and he wracked his brain for more to say.

He wasn’t alone, though; Niko hardly ever met people like this, usually having some common ground with new conversational partners. Here, she had absolutely no idea. Inwardly, she cursed Mimi for putting them in this awkward situation, wishing a thousand poxes on her friend’s house.

=====

“Eh? You set them up on a date?”

“Yup!” Mimi replied cheerily.

“And it’s a blind date, you said? And she doesn’t know what he looks like?”

Mimi hummed an affirmative as she snuggled up against her boyfriend’s shoulder, black nails clacking against her phone screen as she browsed. Though Kakyoin’s eyes hadn’t left the screen and he had continued dutifully chaining combos, his brows raised in surprise as he made a considering noise.

“Oh dear. She’s in for quite the surprise then.” As the victory logo flashed on screen, he leaned down and planted a kiss on her forehead and smiled warmly at Mimi.

“That’s evil. I love it.”

=====

Arriving to the aquarium was a relief and a salvation to Niko. At least now they could busy themselves with an activity, and that would give them something to do together. Slowly, their conversation became less stiff and stilted, as Niko began prattling off about the various exhibits they toured together. Bit by bit, she continued to come out of her shell as she pulled him from room to room, and by noontime she was babbling nonstop about the penguin feeding exhibit they had just been at.

“…and god, they were just so damned cute!” Her eyes glittered at the memory. “Fun fact, did you know that there was this one penguin that fell in love with an anime character? I’m not kidding!” Niko nodded as Risotto tilted his head at that statement. “Yeah, yeah! His name was Grape-kun and he uh…” Her words petered out, and her expression turned sheepish.

Risotto raised a brow, unsure of why she stopped. “Is something wrong?”

Niko fidgeted in silence for a moment before answering. “I…I just kinda realized that I’ve been dragging you from place to place, and I’ve just been rambling non-stop. It’s – it’s not that…it’s okay if you’re just not one for talking. I totally get that!” she said, waving her hands in front of her before wringing them worriedly. “I just wanna make sure you’re having fun too. Like, I just hope I’m not talking over you or only doing the things I wanna do, y’know?”

She looked up at him to meet his stare. Embarrassment was racking up by the second, and as she was going to open her mouth, he spoke.

“I’ve been enjoying myself.”

Relief flooded her senses. Niko smiled at him as she registered his words, her expression relaxing into something much brighter. He couldn’t help but mirror the expression, even though the corners of his mouth had barely turned upwards.

She clapped her hands together as a thought seemed to dawn on her.

“I know! Was there anything in particular that you wanted to do? Anything here that you were looking forward to?”

At that, Risotto’s eyes widened just the tiniest bit, but Niko had caught it. “There is, isn’t there?” she probed with a mischievous grin. “C’mon, tell me! I’m sure it’ll be nice.”

He averted his eyes, and she chuckled good-naturedly at his sudden shyness. “C’mooon, tell me! We already came all the way out here, so if there was something you wanted to do, let’s go and do it!”

No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t turn away from her expression, bright and shining like the sun, with no escape. Risotto let out a mumble, still unable to look her directly in the eye.

“Mm? What was that?” Niko tilted her ear towards him.

“…the manta rays.” He repeated himself, barely louder.

She made the connection in seconds. “Oh! The petting pool with the manta rays!” Niko threw him a grin as he nodded. “Yeah, I gotcha! Let’s go!” And at that, she immediately set off before stopping short and looking behind her, waiting for him. “Come on! It gets really crowded, so let’s head on over.”

The petting pool was a popular exhibit, and it was already full of people, children and adults alike, all fawning over the adorable manta rays that practically jumped out of the water for a petting. Though his face remained as stony as ever, the sparkles in Risotto’s eyes exposed his excitement as the sounds of splashing drew nearer and nearer.

Niko let out a giggle. How cute.

However, he just stood there, staring out at the pool that was so close yet so far. Maybe he felt put off by the number of people there.

Taking matters into her own hands, Niko tried to lead them closer to the pool, but found that the droves of people who were already there difficult to navigate. She managed to bypass a few of them, but soon found it hard to actually get near the exhibit. Her lips curled to the side in annoyance as she tried to think about how to get to the exhibit.

Then, she felt someone take her hand. Niko looked up in surprise to see Risotto by her side, taking her hand gently as he began to wade through the crowd with her in tow, people parting as a hulking 6’8” man strode over to the manta ray pool. No one there decided that it was worth getting in his way, especially as he occasionally let out quiet, polite “excuse me, pardon me”s as he made his way over.

As Niko followed him through the crowd, she had a thought. Throughout the date, he hadn’t tried to make contact with her at all. Now that she thought about it, he had kept a respectful distance from her the entire time.

She let that fact wash over her as they approached the pool. Manta rays were swimming serenely through the clear water, occasionally breaking the surface of the water, excited for more pets.

Risotto had already dipped his hands into the cold water, gently stroking the creature as it passed by. A soft smile graced his features, dimples forming on his cheeks.

The sight was something Niko wanted to commit to memory.

Noticing that she had yet to join him, he removed his hand from the pool to look at his date. What he was met with was a soft, nearly reverent look on her face, dust blushing her cheeks. Upon realizing that he was looking directly at her, Niko gave him an awkward grin, hastily kneeling down with him to start babbling about how cute the rays were.

“…sorry.”

That cut her ramble short. “Huh? About what?”

“I should have asked first.”

His heart was thrumming in his chest as he searched her expression for any change. She looked confused for the barest of seconds before realization lit her features.

“Oh. Oh! That!” Niko quickly took her hand out of the pool, but thought better of shaking her hands in front of her like she usually did. “No, no – don’t worry about that!” She laughed, the sound causing a tentative warmth to blossom in his chest. “I really didn’t mind. It was…it was nice.” She emphasized her point with a shy but honest smile that caused the warmth in his chest to go into full bloom.

His eyes softened at her gentle expression, the soft look on her face looking like the most natural thing in the world. Risotto grunted an affirmative, finding words to be difficult.

As they walked away from the petting pool and dried off their hands, Niko spoke up.

“You know…to be honest, I wasn’t so sure about this. It’s been awhile since I’ve gone on a date, and this was my first blind date. I was ready to kill Mimi!” she admitted with a laugh, miming strangling motions. “No offense.”

“None taken.” His chuckle was nearly inaudible, but she didn’t miss the amusement in his voice.

Her smile grew wide, toothy and easy. “But this was nice. Real nice.”

“It was.” Risotto returned the smile, however subtle the change in his expression was. “I’ll admit this was…an experience. But I enjoyed it.”

At that, Niko laughed lightly and reached out to take his hand. Risotto noted the hesitation in her actions, the pause lasting no longer than a second. But in the end, he could feel his hand in hers, warm and comforting, like that was where it belonged.

He smiled at the feeling.

“Let’s go get lunch?” she asked, tilting her head at him.

His hand tightened around hers, just so.

“Let’s.”

As they walked towards their destination, they discussed restaurants, going over their options and bantering all the way there, the sound of her laughter echoing down the street.

#my self insert #Niko #self insert #self insert prompts #first dates #Risotto Nero #Vento Aureo #jojo's bizarre adventure #jjba #modern AU #aquariums #my writing #SFW #fluff #fluffy #risotto x niko

[kingofdirtandnothing]

@polyfacetious big ass Christmas Drabble Extravagaza: Day Ten

Miles has been lurking. Kinda. 

Because lurking is a way nicer way to say he’s been kind of, sort of stalking the cute guy who worked at the flower shop. Because homeboy was tall, and handsome as hell, et cetera, et cetera. 

Miles just...needed some time to figure things out. How to go about it. No rushing in half cocked, that’s what his mom would say. Because that’s what Dad would do. And they were trying to keep Dad from doing that. 

Which is how Miles ended up Fresh Prince-ing it, and moving from Chicago all the way to Monte Carlo, to try and help his dad. His parents had been divorced since he was five years old, and honestly the thought of them being together was weirder than anything. 

Mark had never tried to be his dad, and Miles always appreciated that. He loved Mark like family too, but those were shoes no one else could fill. No matter what ocean was between them. So when Mom started worrying about Dad’s mental health, it made sense for Miles to be the one to step up. 

He graduated last year, and this was a free freaking year between high school and college. A year to party and do whatever he wanted, before he buckled down and got his life on track. Chemical engineering degrees weren’t going to get themselves.

And at first, Miles thought about just going for it. Sauntering up in there, handing his phone over to the cute white boy and going ‘hey sexy, call me sometime’. Because if there was one thing Miles was good at, it was getting numbers. And yeah, he could have dropped this whole virginity thing awhile ago if he wanted to, but he was waiting for someone special. 

That was Dad’s fault. Mom and Mark told him a whole bunch of times that sex was just something people did, and as long as he was safe with it, that it was En Bee Dee. No big deal. But Dad...Dad talked about love and relationships like they were some kind of fragile antique. That it was worth it to wait for the right person for your first time. 

And now he was here, and staying here for at least a year, and every time Miles wound himself up to go spit game at the cute white boy florist, he stopped himself. Because Max (he wore a name tag, it’s not like Miles was some kind of creepy Facebook stalker) had real nice eyes and a pretty smile, and he seemed like a cool ass dude. 

You didn’t go in on nice people like that. (Somewhere in the back of his head, he can hear his mom’s voice asking him ‘why would you treat anyone like that, why does their worth define your perception?’ but Miles isn’t listening because he’s eighteen, he can only take so much psychological shit in a day, thanks mom.)

So now Miles was trying to figure out how to do this right. Because it was decided, which maybe he shouldn’t decide shit without actually talking to the guy, but too late. Miles was going to date the cute white boy, and he was going to do everything right, full meet cute and shit, and he was gonna win him over, then get his cherry popped all romantically. It was a Plan. Capital letters and everything.

But he’d never actually done this before, and the books in the romance section in Dad’s shop weren’t super helpful. Probably because most of them were super heteronormative and lame, but Miles had snuck out some pearls of wisdom. 

Like...food. Food was always the way to win somebody over. If you were into somebody and they didn’t like food, then you needed to clear the fuck out and find somebody else. 

So Miles decided that he was going to win Max over with food. And after an afternoon group chat texting spree with Mark and Mom, who was definitely not working even though she was at work, they decided that Miles cooking at home would be too intense to start off with. Way too much room for rejection. Also, Miles couldn’t cook for shit, so. 

Take away. That’s what he was going to start with. The good stuff, from Diego’s, because you had to eat it fast, while it was still warm, so it gave Miles a reason to stick around the flower shop and talk. Then maybe by the time they were done eating, he could drop an ask for Max’s number and walk out of there, smooth as butter. 

Now, he just had to survive Diego and get the tacos. Which was easier said than done, because Diego liked to talk mad shit, especially once he realized that Miles spoke Spanish. (And Miles realized that Diego stuttered way less in Spanish, so he dusted off his Rosetta Stone and practiced that shit at night, just to make sure it was all fresh in his mind.)

Thankfully, it was late enough in the afternoon that the line wasn’t too long. Diego’s got mad busy around noon, because everyone knew when he started cooking fresh and they wanted to get the food right off of the grill. 

But Miles, he knew the better secret. If you waited for the lunch crowd to thin out and bail, then Diego would have to make stuff fresh for you anyway. Still the same fresh off the grill meat and tortillas, but none of the wait. 

Then again, Miles didn’t have a job to get back to, so maybe that had something to do with why his secret tip worked for him and not for anybody else.

“Que pasa, homie!” Miles throws his arms out wide when he steps into the little shop, and is greeted with Diego leaning across the counter to smack knuckles with him, and then pull Miles into one of those single armed hugs that dudes did. 

“You’re late today.” Diego glances up at the clock. It’s closer to two than it is to one, and Miles has made a habit of being here about fifteen after one, most days. 

“Yeah. I was texting with my mom, you know how it is.” Diego’s eyes are big and brown and warm, lips tugging up into a smile. You wouldn’t live if you said it to his face, but everybody knew Diego was a Class A Mama’s Boy. 

“Yeah, for sure.” Diego smacks him in the arm one more time before he turns back to the flat top behind the counter. “Your usual?”

There’s a pang of nerves, like drunk butterflies behind Miles’ ribs. “Two actually.” That gets him a raised eyebrow from Diego. Dad usually ate with M’Baku and James at the book store. And when they ate lunch together, it was almost always at Tony’s. (Because Tony would feed Dad for free, that place was not cheap.)

“Two huh?” It doesn’t take more than a second for Diego to hone in on it. Dude was like a sexy, stuttering shark. “You got a date or something, hermano?” 

See, that was tricky. Because Diego was opening the door up to talk shit about him, but he was doing it in a way that made Miles feel warm and fuzzy. What a jerk. “Hopefully.” Fuck it, there was no such thing as too much input. “I’m gonna take it over to the hot guy at the flower shop and see if I can get the digits.” Miles holds up his phone, giving it a little shake. 

“Max?” Diego’s laughter is big and bright. If ever there was a dude who guffawed, it was Diego. “Man, I wouldn’t have pegged him as your type.”

See, there it was. Here came the shit talking. But for once, Miles was ready. “Nuh uh, man.” He waggles a finger in Diego’s face, after he shoves his phone back into the back pocket of his jeans. “You don’t get to come at me about being white boy thirsty, you hear me?”

That earns him something that’s somewhere between a cough, a laugh and a gurgle, and Diego gives him the finger, chopping the meat up on the grill with the other hand. Yeah, being a mama’s boy wasn’t the only thing Miles knew about Diego. Homeboy had it bad for Klaus across the street. 

But Miles can’t leave it at that, and it’s not like he can talk to his parents about this part. They’d just ‘aww’ at him, and he can’t take that. “He’s hot, okay? And he seems nice.” Seems, because Miles has never actually talked to the dude. He just hopes Diego won’t poke holes in his plan, here. They didn’t need a Titanic situation happening. 

“Max is cool.” Diego agrees, dumping the meat into the corn tortillas in their red and white checked cardboard containers. “He knows a crazy lot about flowers, too. When I wanted to send some to my mom, he walked me around through there and told me what all the different ones meant, and how people used to send love letters with flowers. That shit was wild, like even the color mattered. Can you imagine? Sneaking somebody a random ass bouquet of flowers but instead of it really being random, you were telling them that you were crazy in love with them and wanted their body.”

Diego hands over the two containers of street tacos, a couple of napkins tucked underneath so that Miles wouldn’t forget. They go easy into Miles’ hands, and his thanks is swallowed up by Diego continuing to talk. “Play it cool, man. I don’t think he gets hit on a lot. So it might take him some time to realize that you’re actually into him. So don’t freak and bail, okay?”

Miles would love to take offense to that, except for the fact that he’s absolutely the kind of dude who would freak out and bail at the first sign of rejection. He had a delicate soul, okay? Fine, fine he could figure it out and power through the teeth grinding mortification of waiting to see if somebody was into you. 

“Yeah yeah, I got it. Play it cool.” Miles backs up towards the door, pressing down his left heel and his right toe to do a little about face before he gets the gross, mushy shit out. “Thanks man, you’re the best.”

And of course, his emotional maturity is rewarded with Diego shouting ‘I LOVE YOU BABY, YOU’RE SO GOOD TO ME’ and making obnoxious sucking  kissy noises as Miles hurries out of the door and onto the street. Miles could still hear him with the door closed. What an asshole. (Miles loved the shit outta him.)

It’s four buildings down and crossing the street before Miles finds himself in front of the Midgar Flower Shop. And it’s only when he’s standing there that Miles realized he didn’t even check if Max was working today. What the hell was he going to do with extra tacos if Max wasn’t here? Miles couldn’t give them to the pretty brunette, he didn’t want her to get any ideas-

-”Max is inside. I’ll be back in thirty minutes! You guys have fun!” Speak of the adorable devil, Miles swears a blue streak as the pretty brunette pats him on the back and actually fucking skips away from him, her ponytail bouncing in the breeze. Someone really needed to put a bell on her. 

Miles pulls in a deep breath and steps inside, all those worried butterflies in his stomach turning into dancing ones when Max looks up from where he was cutting the stems on some flowers, and smiles at him. “Hey. What can I do for you?”

Miles offers over one of the containers of street tacos, his heart sitting high in his throat.. 

“Diego was having a special.” No he wasn’t. “Buy one, get one free.” He would never. Stepping up to the counter, Miles puts Max’s tacos down, in case he needed to make a swift exit. 

“You looked kinda hungry, so I figured I’d see if you wanted them or something.”

#ch: miles #polyfacetious | max #surprise bitch I bet you thought you'd seen the last of me etc etc #v: expats row #queued #carlota's christmas drabbles

[pharahlesbian]

What are your opinions on aromantic folks?

well, its kind of complicated. on the one hand, i dont rly feel like u guys r doing anything wrong per se, like none of u ever seem to do any of the harmful shit that aces do. and aro is an identity i used to hold really closely. roughly 4-5 years ago, i was on here identifying as aroace.

my personal experience with both labels is that they did measurable harm to my perception of myself and my sexuality. when i did eventually realize i was a lesbian, i didn’t immediately suspect those labels had done me any harm. not until i read several other accounts of ppl who went through a near identical experience as me

see, the answer to your question is complicated bc i first have to address split attraction. its one of my main gripes with asexuality. its my firm belief that romantic and sexual attraction should not be so neatly sequestered the way many people describe them to be. the reality of attraction is that every single person experiences it uniquely and defines it for themselves and themselves alone. i genuinely think the labels “aromantic” and “asexual” and all their variants shouldnt exist at all. and i think they are REGRESSIVE. i really do. they impede progress in a society that desperately needs it. we NEED a more healthy view of sex in our society. we NEED people to understand that its normal and ok to not want sex, or to experience varying degrees of attraction. not wanting sex or romance should be as normal as not wanting your ears pierced. and it should be something you discuss with your partner and your partner alone. having labels for this very normal experience is honestly just setting us back. we dont need to get caught up in a hundred micro labels to describe the ways we have sex. we can just have sex, or dont! or have sex once a month, once a year! or never! and thats your choice and you shouldnt be made to feel like u need to have 5 labels for what should just be how youre feeling. attraction is so nebulous, theres no way we could ever pin it down with labels and we should really stop trying

so. how do i feel about aromantic ppl. well, how do i feel about aromanticism? its a tough conversation to have, because of how personal it is, and its why ive put off this ask for a really long time. i was aroace, yeah, but aro was the label i was really passionate about. im gonna tell you some stuff u might not want to hear, but its my experience.

i was aro because i was lonely, and i was aro because i was scared. i knew i had feelings for girls, but i didnt know how to reconcile them, especially with my burgeoning gender qualms i was also having (which was also happening bc of the aforementioned attraction to girls, but thats another conversation entirely). it was scary, trying to pin down the fact that i was only attracted to girls. and i mightve come to that conclusion a lot sooner if it werent for tumblr telling me about asexuality/aromanticism/split attraction. suddenly i had a copout. cant be attracted to girls if im attracted to no one, right? that plus the fact that when youre lonely and havent experimented with dating, when everything is in hypotheticals, then anything is possible (“well i guess i COULD be attracted to men... but id never have sex with them! so i guess im panro-ace” <-an actual identity i had at age 19. comp het feeds on these micro labels and split attraction)

please keep in mind none of this is directed at you or even aromantics as a whole, im still just talking about my own experience. and my experience was that the aroace label was definitely just a convenient place to hide from being a lesbian. and i know others have had similar experiences.

so...once again. how DO i feel about aromantics? i feel as though we live in a very romance-forward world. romance is everywhere, once youre looking for it. i think i was rather bitter, and preferred pretending that not dating was an identity, rather than the painful reality of firstly not knowing what i wanted, and secondly not even knowing if id BE wanted. i think we all have varying degrees of attraction, both romantic and sexual, and i think for many the two kind of exist in tandem. and again for many, these feelings can exist a lot stronger for them than they do for others. so it leaves a lot of ppl feeling like they MUST be different. i think it makes a lot of sense that i identified strongly with aromanticism, even aside from me using it as something to hide behind. ive never really been much of a romantic. i never had too many crushes, and i only ever imagined romantic scenarios if it were fictional characters i shipped.

of course once i saw someone list these types of things out as evidence of being aro, i was like oh thats me! and latched onto it. and never did anymore introspection. the label was a copout. now, i could tell u that being aroace was a product of knowing i wasnt attracted to men yet not being able to face being attracted to women, so i was like “oh ok guess i have No attraction!” and i can tell u that since ive been with my girlfriend, ive become the sappiest romantic ever.

im not gonna tell you “you just havent found the right person yet :)” but i will say that if you have even the slightest doubt or uncertainty, to go out and experiment! date around and see how you feel. no one can tell you who u are or how u feel except u. u wont be a hypocrite for experimenting. but if youre already sure u dont really feel romantic attraction, then more power to you. not everyone on this earth needs to get married or date. i do think our society needs to normalize just being happy with who you are, and not see it as pitiful. thats an opinion that is so hard to have when youre single, bc u cant help but feel like youre pathetically trying to justify being alone, so im doubling down now that im in a relationship. its fucking ok to not be in a relationship!! if theres one thing that’s stayed the same since i was aro its my assertion that ppl need to fucking chill about orher peoples relationship status

i feel like this answer went in one THOUSAND different directions, but ive been thinking about how to answer this for a while and decided to just word vomit

TL;DR: aromantics are fine, not as harmful as asexuality, you do you, make sure you examime yourself and how you feel often, dont just take the word of ppl on tumblr (me included), everyone experiences attraction differently, i just wish split attraction model didnt exist because its perfectly fine to not want sex/romance or to have low/nonexistent attraction, i just dont believe in the labels/identities.

#ask #sorry if this is absolutely incoherent #aromiiic #ace shit #hoping u wont see this as like Hate Speech but an actual like Conversation #its a weird perspective bc there was a time when thatd be me asking a question like that with an icon like that #i remember always trying to raise awareness of aro stuff in the ace community #these conversations always require lots of nuance and understanding #unfortunately tumblr is usually low on reserves wrt nuance and tact #i always try tho and i always have high hopes that ppl respond in kind

[malaysian-rants]

so what do we REALLY think of Sex Work?

If there’s one thing quarantine in Melbourne’s lockdown has brought me, it is the endless curiosity to understand our thoughts and unpack them. So at least once a week, I do a poll on my Instagram page feed into my nosiness and see what thoughts people around me have on different topics - exploring our stances on our mortality to orgasms to parenthood. Last week, I decided to understand where people placed themselves in regards to sex work and BOY, did the whorephobia jump out!!!!

“ Whorephobia can be defined as the fear or the hate of sex workers. Sex workers like me would argue that it also embraces paternalistic attitudes that deem us a public nuisance, spreaders of disease, offenders against decency or unskilled victims who don't know what is good for them and who need to be rescued.” - Thierry Schaffauser

Let’s rewind a little bit though. The people that responded to the poll were mostly friends from Malaysia and Australia. Malaysia being where I grew up and Australia where I’ve spent some of the most telling years of my young adulthood. Growing up, we have stignamised ideas of sex work, a very narrow-minded understanding of the various FORMS of sex work, and an even more warped perception of WHY people choose Sex Work (SW). The word of the day is choice - the agency to choose sex work. All the choices are worthy of our respect. In Malaysia, most view sex work in a very derogatory sense. We, unforunately, perceive sex workers as dirty, unsafe, in need of rescuing - saviour complexes, or an easy getaway card out of “real” work. It’s funny the amount of times teenage/young adult women will say, “should we just drop out and become strippers? hahahah” as if the sex work industry doesn’t involve immense skill and tact that is not necessarily a natural skill; it has to be learnt - like many of the skills a lot of us use in our jobs. Coming to Australia, the perception shifts. Some forms of sex work are decriminalised which create safer working conditions for SWs. It’s not perfect though, there still lies a lot of racism within the sex work industry especially against Indigenous SWs and there is still stigma in presenting as a sex worker in public situations.

SO LET’S SKIP AHEAD TO MY QUESTIONS AND DEBUNK SOME OF PEOPLE’S PERCEPTIONS ABOUT SEX WORK!

Question #1 Are Strippers Considered Sex Workers?

46% answered YES and 54% answered NO. *drumroll please* The answer is YES! Strippers/Dancers do fall under the umbrella of sex work. 

Let’s take a brief dive into this. SEX WORK actually an umbrella term coined by SW activist Carol Leigh to create an alliance between the marginalised groups of work & to counter the whorephobic second-wave feminism's derogatory terms.This term also helps to combat "lateral whorephobia" - another useful term to remember. SEX WORK as a term helps to unite a diverse range of workers. It combats strippers/dancers from saying "well at least I'm not a whore", cam girls from saying "at least we don't f*ck our clients", pornstars from calling escorts dirty - because ALL ARE SEX WORKERS. It takes away the stigma that people WITHIN the industry put onto different types of work - whorearchy as SWs call it! There are so many types of work that fall under the umbrella of sex work, a few to name being - strippers, dancers, cam girls, phone sex operators, pornstars, sugarbabies, people that work in brothels, pro-DOMMES, pro-SUBs, escorts, online workers, street workers, and the list goes on.....

(to flag: the next few stats may be inaccurate as more than half of the people that did this DID NOT PERCEIVE STRIPPERS AS SEX WORKERS - which may/may not change the future questions’ answers)

Question #2 Do You Know A Sex Worker Personally?

43% answered YES and 57% answered NO

Question #3 Should We Decriminalise Sex Work?

Around 75% answered YES and 25% answered NO. The real answer is YES! We 100% need to be decriminalising sex work and working towards unlearning our biases surrounding SW and sex workers.

Question #4 What Are Our Ideas of What Sex Work Involves?

“prostitution, escort services, massage services with happy endings, bartering”

“stripping, escorting, phone sex operating, sexting services, online entertainment”

“paid services for cash” 

“using your body as entertainment for another’s pleasure/enjoyment”

“people that sell any form of body pics (eg nudes) to escorts”

“exchanging sexual activites for something eg. cash, benefits”

“anything that involves direct touching from both parties” “lap dances”

“consensual services provided by adults”

Now.... there were HEAPS of people that replied with prostitution. Now that’s the first word to DELETE from your vocabulary. Sex workers don’t appreciate when people call them this. Below are more helpful ways to refer to SWs

Question #5 What Are Your Opinions of Sex Work?

“if you’re that comfortable in your body and feel safe at work then all the power to you”

“it needs to be acknowledged as an actual industry” “it’s work and should be protected and provided benefits as all jobs receive”

“I’m here for all women getting their coin! why it’s a taboo, I will never understand”

Sex work is Work. 100%, scream it from the rooftops! Here’s a response that I think is quite commonly held across the board.

“It depends on why they’re (sex workers) doing it. If they want to then YAS if they have to/no other options then :(” At the end of the day, whatever reason people go into sex work - we must give them ALL THE RESPECT and continue to advocate for safer working conditions to prevent exploitation,abuse and assault. There are a multitude of reasons why people go into sex work:

It’s a side job to earn more income

It's survival work

Sex workers also play a HUGE role in disability support. Having access to sex work services can assist with building self-esteem and give people with disability a greater degree of autonomy in being able to fulfil their desires independently.

Our work structures (because of capitalism) are INHERENTLY ABLEIST - people with chronic illnesses and disabilities that need FLEX work seek out SW as an option 

Question #6 Would You Date Someone That is Currently A Sex Workers?

It was a clean 50/50 split and THIS is truly where the internalised whorephobia jumped out because look at the next answers

Question #7 Would You Date Someone That Was Previously A Sex Worker?

82% answered YES whilst 18% answered NO. Here are some of the reasons why people answered NO for either of the questions and let’s debunk some of these!

MYTH #1 - “Cause I believe in monogamy” You can still be monogamous and date a sex worker. Way back when, monogamy was described as one person for LIFE and nowadays it’s evolved to one person at a time. This where the distinction that sex work is WORK becomes important. Sex workers are working when they interact with their clients/members in whatever form. 

MYTH #2 - “I’m a selfish boyfriend” This isn’t really a myth per say but it’s a popular line of thought. It interesting that we internally perceive our partners as ours/our property/someone we have onus over. I loved the honesty in this answer because like they say, it’s selfish. So yeah some people see dating a sew workers as “sharing” - as if SWs were engaging in the same capacity to their partners as they were to their clients. Well fam, I’m here to tell you that sex workers can make that distinction and if anything, are BETTER at establishing boundaries than the most of us. 

MYTH #3 - “I just think I wouldn’t feel safe having sex with them” This rhetoric only continues the damaging narratives that are projected onto sex workers which perpetuated the stigmatisation and discrimination sex-workers receive on the daily. Take a step back and unpack why you feel this way. What about sex workers do you perceive as dirty? In regions where sex work is decriminalised and destigmatised, workers have safe access to medical check-ups which means they’re probably getting tested more often than your average joe!

MYTH #4 - “I would feel less experienced (sexually) which would make me less comfortable” this.... well, is pretty common and stems from our own personal insecurities. some of us have felt this way REGARDLESS of whether our partner is a sex worker. It’s important to note that not all SWs work in the same way - some forms of sex work don’t require you to be physically present with another human, some just require a lot of imagination, creative and emotional intelligence ie phone sex operators.

So that’s all the questions! 

I’ve decided to start a #SexWorkSeptember series to talk about sex work across the globe to probe more open conversations!

Here a some phrases that are WHOREPHOBIC and we’ll unpack them in the coming weeks!

“I respect them and power to them but personally.... I couldn’t cause I have principles and morals ya know”

“I just couldn’t date someone that’s a sex worker :/”

“It’s alright if my friends and peers do it but oh no my mother/sister/niece/aunt could never! no that’s not okay!”

A final thing to remember is that sex work IS NOT easy nor the easy way out! Sex work can be difficult. Sex work requires marketing skills, assertiveness, confidence and a sales-like hustle. It’s as easy and difficult as your own jobs!

Over and out,

Lama :)

#sexwork #thinkpiece