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#but idk it just feels like 7th grade all over again
queers-gambit · 2 years
Text
Tears in the Rain
prompt: feelings are confessed and a decision is made; the only thing left to do is heal and be okay.
pairing: Eddie Munson x female!reader
fandom masterlist: Stranger Things
word count: 8.4k
note: Eddie's 19, reader's 18+, and Chrissy's 17-18 years old. and yes - The Book of Unholy Mischief was published in 2008, but i still use a quote from it, oh well - roll with it!
warnings: Hanahaki Disease AU, cursing, unrequited love, y'all know the drill - angst! hospitals, and minor description of surgical procedure. again - angst! please proceed with maturity and caution. is this a happy ending? depends on your mental state idk anymore. ✅ no spoilers
other Eddie Munson Hanahaki Disease fics: Cherry Blossom Colored Kisses Gone with the Sin
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It started in the 8th grade, spitting out bits of petals and scraping them off your tongue when nobody was looking; subtly wiping your hands on your jeans and pretending you hadn't. Your child's mind was overwhelmed and confused by the sight but figured it had to be normal, never asking any questions, because who would ever believe your symptoms?
You kept this secret to yourself like you did many others, never sharing with anyone the pain that was slowly creeping through your veins. You didn't even tell him - the boy who made your heart race and palms get sweaty. The boy who made your mind go blank and simultaneously race with thought. He's been your friend since the 1st grade, best friend since 3rd, you thought you could share anything, but after the talent show in 7th grade and you saw the way he was held hostage in his seat while watching Chrissy Cunningham do her cheer routine, you knew things couldn't stay the same.
His eyes were wide, his mouth slightly agape, and it was the first of many star-struck looks Eddie would give the strawberry blonde. A look you'll come to understand would never be directed at you.
Everything around you was changing but you refused to be left behind, so, you changed with the times; you changed with your friend. Your hair was cropped short as his grew out in unruly curls; you wore black almost everyday (like he did), you might've even learned how to play guitar so you two could have another bonding experience, and you even joined his stupid fucking Hellfire Club because you thought you could impress him with your Dungeons and Dragons knowledge that you didn't spend all summer studying over.
When you got to high school, your symptoms changed - just like you did. It wasn't fair, but you never tried to fix what was wrong; Nancy Wheeler spending hours with you in the library as you feigned a personal project you needed to research, searching for any solution. Your friend didn't know you found answers the summer before high school, the summer puberty hit you like a bullet train; the summer everything changed.
You knew something was terribly and fatally wrong yet never bothered to fix it, because why bother putting forth effort into an inevitable end? Your options were limited and neither sounded better than the last.
Option One: you succumb to your symptoms and suffocate. Two: you got a surgery to remove the blooms growing in your lungs - but it would in turn take away all known thought and memory of your beloved. And Option Three: confess your feelings and pray to any and every known God, Goddess, Deity that he would return them.
However, you worried that if he did return your affections - whether he verbalized them or not - you wouldn't be in this predicament to begin with. So, you sucked it up and kept quiet because having him as just a friend was better than forgetting him, or losing his friendship. You were never good being alone but found being alone with him was better than being by yourself. You chose to remain strong and silent, despite the way you withered away inside; you chose to stay close, even though his proximity made your heart crack. You chose to borderline torture yourself because you knew walking away would take more bravery than sticking around.
But in the words of Ellie Newmark, "Unrequited love does not die; it's only beaten down to a secret place where it hides, curled and wounded. For some unfortunates, it turns bitter and mean, and those who come after pay the price for the hurt done by the one who came before."
You positively refused to turn "bitter and mean", so, you plastered a smile on your face and never gave anyone reason to think anything could be wrong. You never thought there'd be anyone after him, because you were enamored with everything he did and the very idea of being in love with anyone except him drove your heart into your throat. The idea was unimaginable.
The first semester of high school, your chest got heavier with meat but also pressure, causing a terrible tightness that left you feeling as if you were breathing through a sauna; your lungs constricted with tendrils of prickling pain, and soon, those bits of petals were fully intact, giving you first sight to what was being hacked out of your body - white chrysanthemums.
After a bit of research, you discovered these particular flowers were used in European funeral bouquets - but not many others. You discovered white chrysanthemums were a symbol of death, grief, and mourning in some Asian cultures, and it did little to quell the worry in your chest.
Yet, how oddly beautiful to suffer through this; where your own body betrayed you but produce something pure, innocent even, despite being slathered with a halo of tacky blood.
However, you feared life without him and even if it meant your heart would permanently weep, you would sign yourself up for a lifetime of pain if it meant he stayed close. If it meant he stayed in your life. If his hand would continue to hold yours. If his smile would grace your sight, if those pillowy lips would form precious nicknames that always made you feel on top of the world.
You'd mourn yourself, in order to preserve and celebrate all he was.
For years, you persevered through the unimaginable pain in body and mind, and for years, you and he grew closer than ever before. In the 10th grade, things changed again - but this was only because you caught yourself about to confess your feelings for Edward Munson. Panic-inducing fear halted the words before they could slip out, and instead, it caused a violent coughing attack.
One so intense that it made you turn away from Eddie and get back in your father's car, driving away from his trailer as your palm was slathered in a slick, sticky mixture of blood and limp white petals.
You felt immense guilt when you glanced in the rearview mirror, Eddie's shocked, confused, and concerned figure standing on his porch - watching you drive away, and wondering what had gone wrong. You two had been smoking, sure, but Eddie often thought that you could smoke him under any table, any day. Maybe he had indulged you too much, and maybe your lungs and throat were going raw from it all - spurring a bud of guilt to sprout in Eddie's gut.
He didn't let you smoke going forward.
You accepted the new limitation because you couldn't handle telling him the truth. You chose to suffer for him, you chose to remain close and depend on him more than you should've. It became increasingly painful to live through your days, and to your heart-stopping fear, the pain was tenfold when you were nearest Eddie.
Eddie, who was oblivious to your pain.
Eddie, who couldn't pick up a fucking hint.
Eddie, who you've been in love with since you were a kid.
Eddie, who you spent every birthday and holiday with.
Eddie, who only ever wanted the pretty, popular head cheerleader... And not you.
Still, his friendship was better than nothing at all and you dealt with the staggering pain that soon left your limbs weak. Surely, the pain of losing him wouldn't match the pain you had now, so, you stuck it out.
You and Eddie hung out every weekend. You went to his shows at The Hideout, you helped him do his homework and study. You defended him against bullies, you'd wipe his tears, hold his hand through tattoos, you brought him new customers to up-charge his drug sales. You loved him, and you did what you could to show that without needing to verbalize it.
You laughed with him, cried, watched movies; went to concerts, checked out books in the library on how to fix automobiles to help him tune up his van. You remembered his Uncle Wayne's birthday and got him a new mug each year, you taught Eddie how to bake, you both would raid the music store and spend his drug money - and he'd always buy you a new record, even if it "wasn't real music".
Because that's what best friends did - they loved each other unconditionally.
And for years, you'd watch him stare after the pretty captain of the cheer team; her oblivious to his staring and him oblivious to yours. It was like a never-ending circle, watching the three of you idiots tiptoe around feelings and truth. Yet Eddie was focused on what was in front of him in the form of Chrissy, never bothering to ever check to see what was behind him - in the form of you.
Because you were always there. A constant presence tethered to his soul, forever being a safety net during the times he pushes himself too far.
The stake in your heart drove deeper when he'd ask your opinion on his hair - wondering if Chrissy would notice the trimmed dead ends (like you did). He'd ask you what flower was your favorite, because he wanted to impress the pretty strawberry blonde with a pretty bouquet. He asked you for a mixtape of your favorite love songs - learning a few of them on his guitar in the hopes of serenading the girl who you'd never be.
Thing was, Eddie was the only constant in your life and you felt it was impossible to walk away from him; some kind of chain keeping you from ever wondering too far. He was there from Day One, never leaving your side, and always knowing when something was wrong - until now.
When your symptoms graduated to coughing out blood daily, he didn't notice. When your chest was ready to cave in, making your breaths ragged and wheezy, he didn't notice. When your eyes became dull and lifeless due to the consistent pain that didn't let you rest through the night, he didn't notice.
What he did notice, was how Chrissy Cunningham was paying him slightly more attention since she and Jason Carver broke up. He noticed when her hair was different, he'd rave about how good she looked in the color green, gush to you in excitement when Mr. Lang had assigned them as project partners, and how Chrissy told him how funny she thought he was.
And the first day they decided to hang out together outside of educational purposes was the day you coughed out a full bloom. Floating on the surface of the water plugged in your bathroom sink was a white chrysanthemum, speckled in bright red blood; a string of red-stained saliva dripping from your mouth as you stared in shock. The face scrub popped lightly on your cheeks and fingertips, but your skincare routine was forgotten as you registered the newest symptom change.
This was new, this was much more painful. The usually beautiful flowers slowly grew in your lungs, sprouting thorns the longer you fought against your feels - refusing to admit defeat, and confess your deepest, longest kept secret.
For the following days, you were excusing yourself every single class period to retch into a toilet bowl, the blooms now sopping wet from your blood due to the shredded rawness of your throat and lungs.
Eddie didn't notice because Chrissy's perfume was still in his nostrils. Her swaying ponytail still behind his eyes. Her beaming smile painted in his mind, and fingers tingling from the ghostly memory of her hand in his.
Thorns sliced your throat, stabbed your tongue, and shredded the inside of your cheeks when you tried to spit them out as quick as possible. It was like your blood was made of glue, keeping the blooms and thorns stuck to your mouth and lips - no matter how your river of tears tried to wash them away. Or how your sobbing breath tried to force them out into the toilet - they just wouldn't budge.
Petals and flowers and thorns stuck to you, like your love for Eddie.
And Eddie didn't notice because Chrissy was wearing that skirt today, and he was telling you all about how beautiful she was instead of focusing on spending quality time with you; instead of noticing how you visibly shrunk into yourself in an effort to quell the pain throbbing in your chest and head, in an effort to block out the pain of hearing the boy you love gush about the girl he loves.
Breathing became harder, as if something were blocking your lungs. Blocking the passageway air needed to travel; blocking you out of your life. It took a physical toll; color of your eyes dulling, hair drying of any moisture, bones protruding from the harsh symptoms that refused to ease in severity. You felt fear for the first time since the 8th grade and this had all first started; trying to weigh your options over what to do.
Three options...
Eddie didn't notice your turmoil to make a decision because Chrissy agreed to a date with him.
Before you know it - years have passed since your first indication of symptoms. You prayed for deliverance, but God couldn't hear you through your gargled cries; coughing petals and blooms out between blobs of thick clots. Your pillow cases were all soiled, yet you couldn't replace them - it was futile with the way blood shot from your mouth and nose. You ran through tissues more than tampons, and your bedroom became something akin to a hospice room.
Eddie didn't notice when you dulled of life.
Being as you were now seniors, you figured showing up at Eddie's trailer in the middle of the night wasn't totally weird. After all, you both had sought refuge with the other since before you really understood what friendship meant. With worry and fear dropping your heart to your feet from the weight of your panic, you hopped in your beat up Toyota and drove through town to reach Eddie's home; used tissues scattered across the passenger seat - all saturated with blooming drops of blood.
You had no idea how to explain what was happening, but you needed to tell him. You needed help, and if there was a chance all of this could be over if you just told him the truth, you were willing to let down your walls. Eddie had always told you he'd do anything to help you, and you just banged your hands on the steering wheel as you tried to rid the idea from your mind that that, too, had changed.
When you got to Eddie's front door, the lights were on and you prayed he'd answer despite the late hour. You knocked, waited; knocked again, waited some more. After 4 minutes, you were pounding at his front door until it was shoved open - forcing you back a step - and to your horror, there stood Chrissy Cunningham... In Eddie's favorite Metallica shirt.
And only his shirt.
"Oh, hey," Chrissy smiles awkwardly, shifting her weight over her feet. Her shining strawberry blonde hair is strung off her neck in a messy bun that makes her look fucking ethereal. "Um, Eddie's in the shower... Do you want me to go get him for you?"
But the small blemish poking out from the collar of the shirt she wore made you shake your head through tears; trying to offer a small smile. "No, oh, my God, I'm so sorry, I-I didn't mean to interrupt. Shit, my bad, Chrissy," you backed away down the stairs, needing to use the railing to save yourself from falling over.
"You weren't," she assured. "We were, um... Done. H-He's in the shower, why don't you come in?" Her brows pulled together as if a string was threaded between them, offering sweetly, "I was gonna make some tea, do you want some? We could, um, hang out? Until he's out of the shower, i-if you want?"
FUCK! You knew Eddie didn't have fucking tea, so, the sweetheart must've brought it with her and now, she's offering to make you some? God damn it. Why'd she have to be so nice!?
"Oh, yeah, um, no, no thanks, Chrissy, that's really nice of you, but it's really nothing. I should just get going, I'll talk to him later, um... H-Have a nice weekend, and I'm sorry, again."
"Are you sure? You look kinda upset - I don't think you should drive right now."
Eddie didn't notice - but one look from Chrissy Cunningham and she had. If your heart wasn't broken before, it was now.
You nodded despite the pain swelling in your chest, "Yeah, no, no I'm fine - I should've just called. It's not a big deal, I'm sorry again, um, good night, Chrissy, um, yeah - just, yeah, have a nice night."
She nodded, "You, too. I hope you feel better, I'll tell Eddie you stopped by."
You trusted that she would, returning home and with petals still sticking to your tongue, charged into your mother's room. She sat up in her bed in shock - late night shifts taking their toll and leaving her sleep deprived. This was her first weekend off in months, and you felt terrible for interrupting her, but you couldn't hold it in anymore.
You needed your mother. You needed her more than ever before because your fear was tangible, and you weren't ready to die.
See, thing is, your mother was borderline your best friend (besides Eddie, that is). She and your father had been high school sweethearts, married, and he died in a tragic car accident on the night your mother was going to tell him she was pregnant on their first wedding anniversary. She never dated, she never brought a man home, she only focused on you. When you got older, she figured she could work more and you were happy to support her; taking up more house chores to save her from any unnecessary stress.
It was just you and your mother... Until Eddie, then, he was a constant presences at your dinner table. He had his own Christmas stocking your mother knitted. His favorite snacks kept in a stocked up supply for whenever he chooses to visit. And you and your mother would spend an entire day baking a cake for his birthday before hosting a full meal for him and his Uncle Wayne.
Your mother never had an issue with doing any of that because she was grateful for Eddie being in your life. It made her feel as if you'd never be alone.
However, you now felt like a burden, but the moment your mother clocked your tears and trembling hands clutching bloody tissues, she was beckoning you to her chest and begging you to tell her what was wrong as she rocked you soothingly.
So, you confessed. Everything.
From that night in 7th grade when you saw Eddie mesmerized by Chrissy Cunningham for the first time. That being the night you coughed out petals... And how everything changed and got worse from there on, and you didn't understand what was wrong, why you were suffering.
You told her about how you were now coughing out the full thorny blooms, how the bleeding wouldn't stop; how the pain was festering, spreading, and suffocating your heart, mind, and soul.
You told her about tonight... What you saw... How nice the cheerleader had been, how you couldn't find it in your heart to hate her, and how you didn't know what to do anymore.
You told her how Eddie didn't notice anymore - he couldn't see you - because he could only see Chrissy, and it was slowly killing you.
It took all night to explain, and your mother sat you at the kitchen table. She made you hot tea and plated a few cookies - talking well through the night and into the morning. She wanted to understand everything and as the sun breached the horizon, she was encouraging you to tell Eddie how you felt after reading the same book you had that explained the disease you suffered from.
You told her she was crazy, but she begged you to at least try. She validated that you had the right idea in going to his trailer; she thought that you and Eddie had always been cute, that you'd make a great couple; and though your sense of style had changed again (after it didn't get Eddie's attention, like you'd hoped), she still thought you two complimented each other well. "You balance each other, my dove," she whispered. "Tell him. Please, for your own sake."
So, you bucked up the courage to tell him on Monday. You'd see him at school and couldn't back down, leaving it neutral grounds for you both to be honest and open in. Or, so you hoped.
That morning, you caught Eddie before he could enter the school and asked to talk to him. "Shit, I meant to call you, doll," he breathed, looking at you with concern. "Chrissy said you were upset and showed up at my door - are you okay? What was wrong? I'm sorry I wasn't there."
So, when Chrissy points it out, he pays attention. Instead, you just answered, "It's okay, I'm okay. Um, c-can we go talk? Privately?"
"Of course, yeah, c'mon," he agreed, leading you to the lesser-populated hallway to slip into the old drama classroom that now posed as the Hellfire Club room. Eddie sat on his throne but leaned forward on his knees to hold your hands as you took time to think over in your mind what you wanted to say.
"Eddie," you whispered. "I-I just really need to tell you something, and you have to promise not to hate me after."
He nodded, "I could never hate you, pretty girl, and you know you can tell me anything."
"Right," you sniffled. "Well, um, listen, I just want you to know that I-I value this friendship more than anything, and never want to jeopardize it..."
"Okay, now you're scaring me," Eddie chuckled. His hands squeezed yours, encouraging, "C'mon, sweetheart, what's going on in that pretty little head of yours?"
You nodded, blurting, "I'm in love with you."
Only the silence stretched between you two like an oversized bubble of Hubba Bubba - popping as your words registered in his mind. His eyes just shot between both of yours, mouth opening to form a word before sighing and shaking his head. Panic and fear gripped your heart, lungs, and mind in a tighter vice than the white chrysanthemums' roots.
"You can't be," he finally whispered brokenly.
A record scratched in your head, "What?"
"You can't be in love with me," his head shook as he repeated his statement. "No, no, you - you can't be."
"Why can't I be? Is it that hard to imagine?"
"Because you're my best friend - you're supposed to be my best friend!" He looked spooked, startled, unsure, and like he was going to have an anxiety attack. "You can't be in love with me, you're just - no!"
"Well, I didn't exactly plan it."
"Just - stop!"
"Stop what?"
"Stop loving me!"
"You don't think I've tried!?"
"Try harder!"
"For fuck's sake, Eddie! You don't think this is hard enough?"
"Well, it'd be easier if you had some kind of restraint!" He snipped, wiping a hand down his mouth. "Shit, I mean, what the hell am I supposed to do about this?"
"I-I don't know!"
"Well, why tell me?"
You gulped, fearing telling him the truth now. Instead, you just whispered, "I-I take it you don't feel the same?"
"Shit, sweetheart," he sniffled, shaking his head, "y-you know I love you but... But no, I-I'm not in love with you."
You nod slowly, blinking even slower, "No?"
"I'm so sorry - fuck, God damn it."
"It's not your fault," you promised. "I-I didn't mean for this to happen, okay? I swear, I didn't want to do this, I never wanted things to change between us."
He nodded sadly, "I get that, I do, but I think I need time to think."
"Wait, what? Think about what, Eddie? L-Like - you need to think about us? You need time to think about us?" You squeaked, panic swelling. You started to cough lightly, that sticky feeling clogging your throat again.
"Yeah," he whispered. "Because I'm with Chrissy and I don't think she would like... This."
Now you understood... "So, because you're dating Chrissy, you can't be friends with me? We've been friends forever, Eddie, why does this have to change things?"
"Because you're in love with me! I didn't want you to be, you were supposed to be my friend. Just my friend!"
"I'm sorry it happened, but why does this mean we can't still be friends? I've dealt with it this long, I can go longer - "
"Because I'm in love with Chrissy, and can't do this to her! For fuck's sake, why'd you have to do this, huh? Why'd you have to fall in love with me right when I got a girlfriend - "
"It didn't just happen, Eddie, I've been in-love with you since middle school! But notice how we stayed friends! Please - please, we can stay friends, this doesn't have to change anything."
He shook his head, standing abruptly, "It changes everything. I gotta go - I just can't be here, I'm sorry."
"Eddie! Please! Wait, just wait, please, let me explain!" You begged, watching him flee the room; the door slamming in an echo around you and forcing the tears teetering in your waterline to fall pathetically. You felt your heart nailing you to the floor, tears falling numbly down your cheeks; hands shaking and coughing getting worse. Your hands finally found feeling again and rose, covering your mouth and nose to catch the splatter.
You hacked as your lungs shriveled to expel whatever clogged them, falling to your knees and needed to use two fingers to reach in the back of your throat to pull a full floral bloom out; blood dripping off of it and from your mouth to soak into the old, dingy carpet. The thorns pierced your finger pads when you rolled the short stem between them, the flower falling into the puddle of blood you'd spat out.
Stumbling to your feet, you kept a tissue in hand and covering your mouth; the material slowly saturating as you punched your mother's number in the outside payphone.
"Mom?" You begged into the receiver, wheezing and sobbing through the pain. Everything had changed, again. "I-I need you to take me to the hospital. Please, Mommy, i-it's hurts. 'S blood everywhere, an-and the pain - Mommy, please, it hurts so bad."
Your mother was pulling up in a skidding halt within 6 minutes. Her rubber tires burned over the pavement, slight smoke wafting into the air to indicate not just her speed, but her harsh stop when she saw your body bolting towards her.
From the side of the school, moments before the first bell rang, Robin Buckley and Nancy Wheeler watched you fully sprint for the car and how fast your mother pulled off, sharing an uneasy look before darting for the same payphone and calling Steve Harrington.
But they couldn't find you all over town, opting to wait at your house instead. They only waited for about an hour before your mother's car was pulling into the driveway.
"You gonna tell them?" Your mom muttered, smiling and waving at the three teenagers.
"Yeah," you whispered. "Doctors said keeping it a secret doesn't make it easier, right?"
She nodded, "For whatever it's worth, my dove, I think you're making the right decision. This took a lot of bravery, but you're going to get better, and you're going to feel better, too."
"I know," you whispered with a watery smile. "Just gonna suck until Thursday."
"I'll call the school, you're gonna be out for recovery for at least 2 weeks."
"Don't forget my post-op appointment," you nodded.
"Right," she agreed, opening her door and triggering you to follow suit. "Hey, kids," she beamed at your worried friends.
They greeted her politely (but enthusiastically) before she was excusing herself and heading for the house. It left you to stand before the three people, who, up until a few years ago, you wouldn't have imagined being real friends with.
Technically, you and Nancy Wheeler had been friends since before Eddie; Robin and Steve coming into your life through inter-dimensional circumstances before choosing to stick around.
"Are you okay?" Nancy asked first, looking the most worried. "We saw you running from school and thought something was wrong."
"So, you blew off school to stalk my house?" you teased lightly, trying to alleviate the pain settling on your heart after leaving the hospital.
"Exactly," Robin crossed her arms. "You ran like something was chasing you - we knew something was wrong. What is it? A-Are you okay? I mean, you looked pretty spooked, we were afraid something else came back - you know - "
"Okay, Robin, yeah," you chuckled lightly, interrupting her rapid words. "Um, I appreciate the concern, but it could've waited."
"Not when you've been acting funny for months now," Nancy shook her head. "Don't think we haven't noticed; you're skinnier, you look like you haven't slept in weeks, you carry tissues around like you're paid for it... What's up with you?"
"And I've clocked the constant nose bleeds," Steve nodded, arms folding against his chest. "Look, if something's going on, you're going to need friends through it, and we're willing to take on the job."
Your heart swelled slightly and you nodded, blinking quickly to keep the tears down. "Um, yeah... Yeah," you sniffled, looking up at them as the emotion couldn't be kept out of your voice, "something's going on, and um... I-I think I would like to tell you guys about it. Do you mind waiting in the backyard? I've gotta grab a book from inside, trust me, it can explain some things better than I can."
Nancy looked nervous as her fingers twisted together; Robin nodding before nudging her along. Steve shifted on his feet and dropped his arms, clearing his throat, "You sure?"
"Yeah," you nodded with a whisper. "Just hang tight."
He nodded with crinkled brows of concern, heading off behind the two girls as you bolted for the front door. Your mother was heard in her room, on the phone, and you dropped your school bag on your bed, snatched up the library book you checked out every year, and made for your backyard.
As kids, you and Nancy loved hanging out here because it was spacious, and your mother had a beautiful garden with patio furniture nestled amongst the greenery. At the white-washed table, Steve, Nancy, and Robin waited together, muttering quietly, and left you to take your seat.
Sighing, you opened the book and slid it forward; Nancy's hands darting to pick it up and read swiftly as you began your tale. After voicing everything to your mother, you had a better idea of how to word it all; starting with when you realized you had a crush on Eddie in the 5th grade, how it festered in middle school, and when you realized you'd only be friends - so, you kept it that way.
You told them about the tiny bits of torn up petals, then how they became intact. Next, you explained how things got worse for you; blooms being coughed out with blood, how Eddie crushed majorly on Chrissy, and then to how everything hit rock bottom.
You explained the petals changed into full blooms, sprouting thorns as you stuffed your feelings deeper inside your cracked heart. You explained the constant pain, the confusion, the sleeplessness, showed them the cuts on your lips and in your mouth; even picking a leftover petal from the inside of your cheek to prove your point.
Steve's hand deftly reached out to examine it.
You explained the mental anguish of loving someone who couldn't love you back; the anguish of being so close - yet so far; and the anguish of knowing you were being killed from the inside, out because you couldn't let go of your overwhelming feelings for Eddie 'the Freak' Munson.
Then... You told them about Chrissy and Eddie at his trailer when you went to tell him the truth. How you confided in your mother for the first time in years. How you were encouraged to tell Eddie - and how it royally backfired, which lead you to today.
To your decision.
To your appointment at the hospital that your mother bullied administration into giving you last minute.
To meeting the cardiothoracic surgeon that diagnosed you with, as the library book highlighted, Hanahaki Disease.
Steve had tears in his eyes; elbows bent on the tabletop to keep his folded hands in front of his mouth, like he was physically suppressing his emotion with the petal laid to the table. Robin stared at you the whole time, never once making you feel as if you were talking to thin air; brows crinkled and perked at appropriate moments, never interrupting.
Nancy had read the entire passage before slamming the book down and letting her tears fall. She listened intently as you explained to the three that you had to choose one of three options, and immediately after that, you told them you had come to a decision.
You'd made the appointment and you were to under the knife that Thursday before returning in two weeks for a post-op check-up that would ensure all of the blooms were cleared from your lungs. And after today, you had discovered the plants were creeping up your esophagus and if you waited, soon, it would kill you.
"Well, why're you upset?" Robin asked gently, reaching for your hand. "This is good, right? Y-You'll be cured!"
You nodded in agreement, but it was Nancy voicing, "She'll forget Eddie completely."
"What?" Steve asked, looking between you and Nancy urgently. "Are you serious?"
"It's the only contingency in exchange for my life," you nodded.
"You've been friends forever," he shook his head, leaning back. "No, I just - I can't believe him. He doesn't love you back? That's just bullshit - c'mon!"
"Steve - "
"No, seriously!" he cut Robin off, her hand tightening in mine. "We've all seen how he looks at you, how he behaves! It doesn't make sense, it's not possible. He's just scared," his head shook still, looking angry with pinched brows. "He's scared and he's not thinking."
"No, Stevie," you whispered, "he understands, and trust me, he doesn't feel the same. It's okay."
"You'll forget your best friend," Steve shook his head. "That's not okay."
"It's a small price to pay, right?"
Nancy nodded, "If it means you're out of pain, and you won't die, yeah, I'd say it's a reasonable price to pay."
You agreed, "It's gonna be okay, but I'll be in recovery until the surgeon okay's me to return to school and normal activity."
"Will you remember why you need the surgery?" Robin wondered.
"Apparently not," you shrugged.
For the next few days, you remained at home and prepared for your operation. Your mother worked extra shifts because she was taking Thursday through TBD in order to take care of you, and your friends visited you everyday.
Nobody spoke of Eddie, who had asked Robin that Wednesday where you were - only to receive a fierce glare and slammed locker in his face. Chrissy's brows furrowed at the aggression, worrying something was wrong with you if your friends were shunning Eddie. She reminded him of how upset you'd been when you showed up at his trailer, his mind flashing to when he found a bloodied white chrysanthemum in the Hellfire room after he left you when you confessed your feelings for him.
He knew that was why you showed up at his trailer that night, and his heart constricted as he grew cold in your absence. He had to admit, if you've had these feelings since middle school, you never let it interfere with your friendship and he was a fool for blowing up at you.
Could it really be that hard to love you? Was the idea that far fetched?
The day of your surgery, your mother and you pushed out of your front door at 4 am to make it to the hospital for pre-op; blood work; all the standard procedures that needed done before you were sliced open and roots carved out of your lungs. And to your honest shock? Steve Harrington was waiting on the street, leaning on his car, dressed in a pair of jeans and an old hoodie.
"What're you doing here?" You wondered, oblivious to your mother's knowing smirk.
Steve shrugged lightly, "Figured you'd want a familiar face around, and Nance and Robin have tests in school today - otherwise, they'd be here, too."
"'Too'?" You repeated with a soft smile.
"Yeah, well, I-I'd still be here," he nodded. "Is that okay?"
"Yeah," you breathed, nodding with a soft smile. "I think I'd really appreciate the, um..."
"Support? Comfort? Seeing my pretty face when you wake up from anesthesia?" He grinned.
"All of the above, Harrington, c'mon," you chuckled, waving him with you. In your mother's car, she kept conversation light as a distraction when your nerves flared the closer you drove to the hospital; the boy in the back doing his best to chime in charmingly. Steve was allowed to stay with you once in the pre-op procedure room (again, your mother bullied hospital admin into letting him stay), and cracked a few really poor jokes while needles were poked into your skin.
Medicine was administered, your hair stuffed into a surgical cap, vitals taken for a final time - and then it was time to go.
When you were wheeled away, Steve squeezed your hand and your mother kissed your forehead; both wishing you luck, reminding you of your brave decision, and sent you down the sterile hallway. While staring up at the blinding, florescent lights of the operating room, a gas mask was placed over your mouth and the anesthesiologist instructing you to count backward from ten... And your heart begged you to change your mind.
Begged you not to erase Eddie. Begged you to jump off that table.
But your mind told only your tongue to move, and you counted, "Ten."
Eddie's soft hair through your fingers, "Nine."
Eddie's stupid grin when he's showing you a new guitar riff he'd mastered, "Eight."
Eddie's laugh, "Seven."
The warmth of Eddie's hugs, "Six."
His hands holding your cheeks, thumbs sweeping to clear your tears as he would coo to you, trying to calm you down, "...Five..."
"She's out," the doctors nodded to one another; scalpels clinking over the sterile table, machines beeping to indicate vital readings, and rubber gloves snapped into place as your hospital gown was peeled away, and disinfecting betadine squirted over your skin.
Across town, in the hallways of Hawkins High, Eddie was pacing by your locker. He looked disheveled, not himself; confused and scared, by what Robin could judge.
"What're you doing here?" she shot venomously, using her hand to push his chest and force him back a step from your locker.
"Where is she?" he begged. "Please, Robin, I know she's hurt - I know I hurt her, but I have to talk to her an-and she hasn't been at school all week. Please - I have to talk to her."
She used your combination to open your locker and set the packet of missed work inside for her to pick up at the end of the day, sneering, "It's too late."
"No, it's not - "
"No, seriously, Eddie," she snapped, the locker slamming in an echo. "It's too late for you. She's let you go, time for you to do the same."
For two weeks, Eddie repeated the last words he'd said to you, how broken you looked when he said he didn't love you. The words you said to him, then how you weren't seen again, to that bloody flower he found, and how Robin, Nancy, and Steve were all giving him the cold shoulder. He thought over what went wrong and every single way he was going to make it up to you, because while he might be in love with Chrissy Cunningham, there was never replacing you - and he needed you.
Eddie needed you.
And his heart sunk to his stomach as he realized how bitter he's turned; shunning Chrissy, becoming testy, canceling Hellfire, and missing you to the point he was tugging his hair out of his scalp and chain smoking cigarettes.
Loving you was easy and maybe he's loved you longer than he's known - longer than he ever wanted to admit. But missing you was hard, and Eddie wasn't accustomed to it.
It was supposed to be easy between you two, but when you confessed your feelings, Eddie felt everything become messy and change. Eddie Munson wasn't very good with change. He missed your laugh, he missed your comfort, a few times he'd even looked up to his bed when he mastered a new guitar riff - and feeling his heart sink in disappointment when he only saw Chrissy.
Granted, she was smiling at him, but it wasn't your smile. Tears filled his eyes when he realized he spent every Friday with Chrissy, finding new ways to impress the cheerleader, and feeling crushed when he remembered he never needed to impress you. You were always proud of him, you always encouraged him, and with a single look, you could say more than ever opening your mouth.
Eddie needed you, and he had ruined any chance of loving you properly. But Edward Munson was stubborn and not willing to give up, not until you were beating him off with a stick. The two of you had been friends forever and he knew you had some fights, but one way or another, someone was always apologizing and together, you could move past the issue. So, until you were telling him to fuck off, he was going to try - because you had never given up on him.
Two weeks of nothing. Two weeks of your home's voicemail. Two weeks of nobody answering the front door. Two weeks of confusion, heartache, and stress. Two weeks of smoking packs of cigarettes, of snapping at Chrissy, of praying to a God he's never prayed to before.
When he saw you that Friday, Eddie's heart leapt into his throat and he gave a strangled gasp before sprinting across the carpark to make it to your side. You were surrounded by Nancy Wheeler and Robin Buckley, all three piling out of Steve Harrington's car - who now leaned on his driver's door, mid-conversation - and he thought you looked more beautiful than ever.
The weight you've lost had slowly built back up now that you weren't constantly vomiting. Your head had cleared, your heart feeling lighter than ever before, your veins racing with helium, and the bags under your eyes had cleared. In fact, your eyes looked clearer than they ever had, and your skin was practically glowing.
God did you look good.
Eddie panted your name, coming to a skidding halt as Steve pushed off his car and looked at you with worry.
Why would Harrington need to worry about you?
"Oh, uh, hi there?" you nodded at him, tugging your binder closer to your chest and sending a cautious look to Robin.
But Eddie's heart was in his throat, "I-I need to talk to you, please."
To his horror, you shook your head, "Um, I don't think we actually have anything to talk about."
"What? No, we have so much to discuss, please, I know I was a jackass and you don't deserve that - "
"Wait, hang on, I-I'm sorry. You don't understand, we don't have anything to talk about," you chuckled weakly, "because I don't know you."
Ice shot into Eddie's veins, stuttering, "W-What? Th-That's not funny, doll, don't joke like that."
You looked at Nancy for support, whispering in a small, panicked voice, "I don't know him, do I, Nance? I don't think I know him."
"No, honey," Nancy assured, smiling softly at you before glaring at Eddie. "He's just a classmate."
Eddie knew Nancy was protective of you but what the hell was going on? What kind of a sick prank was this? Look, Eddie knew he's pulled some mean jokes in his life but this? This wasn't mean, it was cruel, and he didn't find it funny in the least bit.
"What? No - what the hell are you guys talking about?" Eddie begged, looking between the four teenagers. "Sweetheart, it's me - it's Eddie. It's your Eddie, please, what do you mean you don't know me - what's going on? This isn't funny, sweetheart, please, okay? Look, we've known each other a decade, right, how can you - how can you not know me?"
"I'm really sorry, um... Eddie? Was it Eddie?"
His heart shattered, shards stinging as they were pumped through the rest of his body. "Sweetheart, no, please, I just... I'm so sorry, but this isn't funny - "
"Look, I'm really sorry, but this isn't a joke, I really don't know you," your head shook. "And I would remember someone I've known a decade - right?" You asked Nancy again, looking nervous. "I-I don't know him, but he knows me. Nancy, I-I don't understand, I don't know what's wrong. Is something wrong with me?"
"No, honey," she rushed to speak, sending Steve a pointed look when stress made your eyes shine. "You're okay, you're okay, it's okay."
"Okay, hey, hey, hey, okay," Steve stepped in, pushing Eddie back a few steps. "You need to back off, you're upsetting her."
"I'm upsetting her?" he repeated, tears collecting as his feet tried to plant against Steve's force. "She doesn't remember me - "
"Back off, dude," Steve warned.
"I'm really sorry," you called to him, genuine look of distorted pain over your face. "I'm sorry," you repeated to Robin and Nancy, "I-I don't know him, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I-I don't know what's wrong, I'm sorry - "
"Hey, hey, breathe, okay? It's all fine, it's all good, you're okay, I promise, just try to focus on breathing," Robin assured, hand rubbing circles over your back.
"No! Baby! You do know me!" Eddie begged over Steve's shoulder as Nancy turned you away. "Please! No! You know me, baby! Don't do this, please, please, I need you! Sweetheart - please! I need you, and I'm so sorry for what I said! Don't do this! No, please, I-I'm sorry!"
His heart glued itself back together just to shatter once again when Robin took your books to let your hands slap over your ears to block him out as Nancy directed you away - Steve still pushing Eddie back.
"Dude!" Steve snapped with anger coloring his iris' a darker shade, "You're fucking upsetting her!"
"Steve, please - "
"No," Steve shook his head. "You had your chance, and it's too late. Okay? Leave her alone, she doesn't remember and doesn't need you trying to 'remind' her when it's already done, dude. Okay? It's done."
"What the hell does that mean? Please, Steve, I need her - she's my best friend and I can fix this," Eddie begged.
Steve felt fleeting compassion for the other boy, seeing the distress and heartbreak over his face. Steve sighed, glancing back to see you being spoken to softly by Nancy and Robin, assuring you it was okay not to remember the boy with long hair, before turning to look into the eyes that had broken your heart on too many occasions.
"She doesn't remember because you were removed from her memory, Ed, you were just... All of you was removed from her, okay?" Steve sighed finally. "Look, it's hard to explain, but do yourself and her a favor?"
"Anything."
"Go to the library and look this up," he pulled a torn piece of paper from his pocket, handing it over. "It'll explain what was wrong, and you should hopefully be able to piece together why she can't remember you. Don't make this harder, all right? She's finally okay, and you were so sure you didn't want her that it's time for you to be okay without her, too. Don't do this to her, man, you get me?"
"What did I do?" Eddie whispered.
Steve gulped, shaking his head, "You couldn't love her back."
Eddie stood there, piece of paper clutched in his fingertips like the petal of a flower, as Steve turned and headed for you three girls. He lifted his arm to bring you in for a side hug, assuring you that it was okay not to remember - while Eddie stood there, like you had so many times, watching with tears and heartbreak in his eyes.
He didn't go to classes, he obsessively searched books for the Hanahaki Disease Steve told him about; finding his answers, and never finding peace. He had to live everyday watching you really bloom into your own person; becoming more radiant by the passing second, realizing he was draining you of your life before, and how there wouldn't ever be room for him with you now.
When you graduated with an acceptance to your first choice college, you returned home in your cap and gown with a giggling Robin and Nancy; planning on changing and getting ready to hit a few grad parties already. The girls were so excited that you were feeling (and looking) better now that they didn't want to waste anymore time and insisted you all hit a few parties. However, before you could hop up the stairs to your room, a large bouquet of flowers caught your attention.
Sat on your kitchen counter was a thick bouquet of white chrysanthemums. There was no note, no signature, but something in your gut twisted with knowledge. Your fingers reached out to gently stroke the petals before smiling lightly, leaning in to sniff them, and then turn for the stairs to rush up to your bedroom.
All the while across town, a long haired metalhead in a matching green cap and gown, tipped a bottle of Irish whiskey to his lips; a single stemmed white chrysanthemum rolled between his fingers; old polaroid photos scattered around his body on the floor, tears sliding down his cheeks, and regret echoing across his mind.
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inniessick · 1 year
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Thinking abt bf!Innie taking you to see a horror movie with his friends, but while watching the movie y/n gets rlly scared so Jeongin puts her on his lap and cuddles her. Then he fingers y/n in the car to make her happy💗🙁
oh ho ho nonnie... now you've put that idea in my head, and damn is it a good one.
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word count: 1.4k
warnings: smut, cussing, petnames (babe, baby, pretty, lovely, princess, jeonginnie, jeong, innie) dom!jeongin, semi-public fingering, idk that's probably it. let me know if I missed any!
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You were supposed to meet the guys at Hyunjin's place for your weekly movie night. there was only one problem, it was a horror movie. Despite yours and felix's protesting, it had been decided. You disliked horror movies, you were easily scared. You tried to convince Jeongin to not go this week, but he said he'd be right next to you so you didn't have to worry. That didnt help though, you didn't want to be scared.
"Baby, you almost ready to get goin'?" Jeongin knocked on the door to get your attention, peering his head into the room. You were picking up your phone from the bed, looking visibly pissed off. "Mhm, we can leave." your voice was flat as you opened the door fully, walking right past Jeongin. "Princess, dont be upset, it's just a movie. It's not supposed to be all that scary, anyways. We've been doing these movie nights for a year." You knew you shouldn't be this upset, but you hated scary things, you've always been that way. Jeongin hugged you from behind, murmuring into your neck, "Promise i'll keep you safe, pretty. it'll be over before you know it." You hummed, "If i scream its your fault! Lets leave before they get on your ass for being late again."
He held the door open for you, both of you making your way to the car. The ride wasn't long, you had started to relax a bit. You heard Jeongin take the keys out of the car, before he was making his way to open your door, holding his hand out, "C'mon, I know they're waiting for us." You both made your way up to the door, knocking and it being answered quickly. "Hyun!! They're both here, you can get the movie started!" Chan yelled to Hyunjin before greeting you both, "Made it on time this week?" You playfully hit his arm, "Shut up it was one time!" "You were literally an hour late!" "It was one time, Chan!" You both started laughing.
Everyone was figuring out their seats across the couch and floor. Chan spoke to the group, grabbing their attention, "Alright make room, the loverbirds have arrived." Han and Minho looking at each other before saying "Ew..." "Boo, tomato, nasty." Both of them teasing you two. Jeongin spoke, "Yea whatever, talk when you can actually get a girlfriend." Han rushing to defend himself, "Hey! I've had girlfriends before!" Seungmin turned to him, "When? In like 7th grade, for a week?" "You're supposed to be on my side dude!" "Just saying the tru-" Hyunjin clapped his hands, "Alright shut up, movies gonna start!" Everyone began to quiet down.
You and Jeongin sat on the far end of the couch, his arm holding your waist, giving you reassuring squeezes every time a jumpscare occurred. You weren't happy, but the movie seemed pretty tame. At least, that's what you thought before it started to get real gruesome. A loud noise coming from the tv causing you to gasp, "Fuckin hell.." Jeongin leaned his head down, "You alright babe?" "No Innie, it's getting too scary." "Cmere, sit in my lap, i'll hold you till its finished." You moved yourself onto his lap, still watching the screen, his hands holding your waist and thigh. Each time you got scared, you would push yourself into his chest, an involuntary reaction. What you hadn't noticed was each time you did that, your ass would move right against jeongin's crotch.
You felt his hands push your hips down, "Stop moving like that, we're in front of all the guys." You could finally feel how hard he was under you, your clothed cunt sitting right against it, you moved your hips forward slightly. He squeezed your hips again, pushing you down against him, leaning in towards your ear, "Behave, or I'll fuck you right in front of everyone." You nodded, focusing on the movie again, attempting to not move when you got scared. You had been doing a half-decent job, he knew you were trying your best. You gasped again, the main character getting dragged into a basement before having some not-so-pg13-things happen to them, you shook your head, grabbing jeongin's hands. "Shh, shh I got you." "No jeonginnie, it's too scary, dont wanna watch it anymore." "Movie is almost over, hang in there and i'll make sure you feel better in the car." "But-" You looked up at the screen, another jumpscare, making you push yourself against him, a feeble attempt to get away from the tv. "Just close your eyes baby, innie's got you. It's almost over, nothings gonna get you." You listened to him, closing your eyes and turning your head away.
It wasn't all that long before you started to hear everyone begin to speak. changbin spoke, "Alright, it wasn't that bad, look even felix was able to watch it." "Yea, could've been a lot worse." Felix looked over at you two, "Did it scare her?" He had asked Jeongin, "Mhm, she made it through most of it, though." Han patted your shoulder, "That's progress! Maybe next time you'll get through the whole thing." Your eyes widened, fuck that. "I'll stay home the next time if you guys wanna watch horror, Innie can go by himself." Jeongin squeezed your hand, "I think we'll both pass, don't want her getting freaked out again." Hyunjin chimed in, "That's probably a good idea, sorry we scared her." Jeongin tapped your leg, "C'mon, time to go home." You stood up from his lap, grabbing your belongings off the couch. "We're gonna head home, text me later so we know what were gonna do next week." "Yea! we'll make sure its some cringey romcom or something." You waved at the guys, wishing them all a goodnight.
You got into the car, holding Jeongin's hand. "Don't make me do that again Jeong, freaked me out too much." He moved his hand onto your thigh, "I know baby, 'm sorry." He moved his other hand to grab your chin, giving you a kiss. "Didnt think it'd be that bad, lovey." His hand ran up your thigh a bit more, your breath hitching because of how close he was to your core. "Want me to make it up to you? Make you feel good?" You looked at him, "But- We're in the car, what if someone sees?" "The boys are gonna stay inside, and its dark out, nobody's gonna know."
You nodded your head. "Want you to make it better innie.. was so scared." His hand moving to unbutton and unzip your jeans. "Mhm, I know. Let innie make it better." He leaned over more, kissing you while he slipped his hand into your panties. He moved his fingers right over your clit, rubbing it slowly, taking all your moans into his mouth. you moved away, trying to catch your breath, "Jeongin please, need your fingers, dont tease me." He moved his lips along your neck, "Alright, princess. Whatever you want." He gathered your slick onto his fingers, "So wet for me.." You moaned, bucking your hips against his hand. He pushed two fingers into your needy hole, causing you to gasp at the sudden stretch. "Gonna make sure you feel better," He curled his fingers, pressing against your sweet spot, slowly pumping the two digits into your pussy. "Fuck jeongin, there- need more, gimme more." "More what baby? What do you want?" "Innie~ Want you to go faster, need your fingers to make me cum." You threw your head back as he immediately fulfilled your request, fucking his fingers into you quicker, thumb making circles on your clit. "Can feel you clenching around me," "Fuck- Jeonginnie... mmm, please.." He curled his fingers again, grazing that gummy spot. Your back arched as he gripped your jaw, kissing you deeply before pushing his tongue past your lips. "Mmph.. mm-" You moaned into the kiss, moving your tongue against his. God you were so close, you were right there. He separated from your mouth, mumbling sweet nothings to you.He applied pressure to your clit, moving his thumb against it faster. "Innie.. baby wan' cum." "Go ahead, cum all over my fingers." "Shit.. ahh- cumming- innie~", gripping onto his wrist as you screwed your eyes shut, walls spasming around him.
"There you go, did so well for me." He removed his hand hand from between your legs, you whined at the sudden feeling of emptiness. He licked his fingers clean, "Always taste so good.." "Thank you, feel a lot better." He gave you a quick kiss on the cheek, before turning the keys and starting the engine. He took your hand in his, "Lets get you home so I can properly fuck you." You squeezed his hand a little, giggling at his comment. He flashed you a cheesy grin before driving away from Hyunjin's house, eager to do just as he had said.
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a/n: thank you so much for being my first ask, nonnie! i loved writing this and may have gotten just a bit too carried away 😅😅.. I HOPE YOU ENJOY READING THIS AS MUCH AS I ENJOYED PUTTING IT TOGETHER!! YOURE ALWAYS WELCOME BACK INTO MY ASK BOX... remember, let's play ♡.
likes, reblogs and feedback are appreciated! ♡ my requests are open! let me know if you'd liked to added to a taglist for future works!
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was ita for ghosting/cutting off my ex girlfriend after our junior year?
i (currently 17, trans M) knew this girl (currently 17(?), F) from around 7th grade [middle school] to 11th grade [junior year of high school], so five school years/ten ish years total, give or take. we just graduated this year so this is kind of old drama, i was happier not talking to her but i always kind of regretted not giving her like. the reasons why
we dated from i wanna say. the middle of 7th grade to the middle of our freshman year. she broke up with me because her other boyfriend at the time was jealous she was dating another person [both of us are polyamorous]. we stayed in contact but i got a bit distant during lockdown because my mental health was going down the drain fast and i was just kind of isolating myself from Everyone, but got back into regular contact at the beginning of junior year because of our schools dungeons & dragons club.
she was running basically a continuation of the campaign that had been cut short because of lockdown and i didnt know any of the other campaigns DMs so i decided to join her campaign again since i had been missing my character anyways. at this point id been out for about three years i think? and made a point of introducing myself to the group with my chosen name and he/him pronouns. i dont pass very well, but i usually had a trans pride flag and pronoun pin visible on my outfit whenever we had sessions. my character was also a trans man, only using he/him pronouns as well.
whenever she addressed me or my character, she defaulted to using she/her and my deadname, despite my constant correcting her and the other party members. the only people in the party that used both the right name and pronouns for me and my character were the only other trans person (currently 18, F) in the group who she also constantly misgendered, and a guy (currently 18, M) id become pretty close friends with, since we'd accidentally started a running joke about my character being his characters dad.
i started to kind of resent her and the other party members for the constant deadnaming and misgendering and honestly was just waiting for the campaign to be over. it wrapped up at the end of the year and i just took the opportunity to stop interacting with her entirely. i had made other friends that year, and had a few from the old friendgroup we had both been part of, that respected both my name and pronouns with no issues apart from the very rare accidental deadname.
senior year passed without me talking to her a single time, only really seeing her in the halls like. once a week. now that we've graduated i doubt i'll see her all that much except the way you sometimes see a kid from school at the grocery store or the mall or wherever, so theres not really anything i can do to get back in contact or make amends or whatever, and even if i could i dont think id really want to unless she showed she could handle actually using the right name and pronouns for me.
shes shown she can use them for a mutual friend of ours (currently 18, trans M) that passes really well so it just always made me feel like she didnt give enough of a shit about me or respect me enough to actually see me as the man i am. so. idk. was ita?
What are these acronyms?
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firstaidkitty · 6 months
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KitTy High School / Fey Market AU Ch. 6 Snippets
Chapter 5 of Towards The Sun is up!!
Deciding chapter titles five minutes before posting is so stressful, and I have a list of songs I can try and pull from?? Idk why I do this to myself. I'm still not sure about the chapter 6 upload dates! You can comment here or on the fic, but once again, split 14,000 words over Sept. 22nd and Sept. 29th, or post all 14,000 words on Sept. 29th (meaning waiting for two weeks for another update). Let me know! ~~~~~~~ Snippet 1:
“Listen. To. Me.” Kit bit out. Kit knew he sounded scathing when angry, and he knew even better how to really push his point home. “I’m sure you remember Allen Davis, right?”
The switch in Jonah’s attitude from bitter stubbornness to being taken aback was fast, but not as fast as Kit deciding what he’d do. 
“Well, yeah, I mean, you totally got him expelled in the 7th grade. Well, no one really knew if you actually did and the adults didn’t know but the kids that were there…”
“Yeah, I didn’t get caught, and guess what?” Kit smiled. It wasn’t a nice look. It was the sort of smile his father gave people when they gave him a sliver of information that dug their grave for him. The sort of look Kit had adopted for himself that made Hypatia’s hands twitch with a nervous tick. “I knew everything he was up to back then, and now, I know all your bullshit too. And just like before, when the truth comes out, no one will ever have any proof that it was me. No one will believe you even if you try to tell them, which you won’t if you know what’s good for you,”
Jonah gaped at him, still trying to lean back as Kit moved forward.. “What do you mean—” ~~~~~~~ Snippet 2:
Okay, a slight stumble at the end, but Kit got through it. He was totally capable of having this conversation like a normal person. He totally wasn't almost hoping two cars would crash nearby so he could avoid his reality by the distraction it would cause.
Why was it so hard to lie to Tiberius? Kit had an easier time lying to his dad.
“I am?”
WHY did he have to be so genuinely surprised??? Kit couldn’t even fault him. 
“Yes,” Kit settled on. “And I’m not the only one that thinks that, trust me,”
“I didn’t know,” Tiberius pondered for a moment. “Family and family friends say things like you’re growing up handsome, but I thought it was just something people said without it really being true, to be nice,”
Kit huffed a little. “It’s true,”
“...Thank you, I think?”
Well, that was just funny-cute rather than Kills Kit Inside Cute, so he let himself laugh. “It’s just a fact,”
There! Perfect way to emotionally distance himself from the reality of the situation. He was just informing Tiberius of a fact. Good.
~~~~~~~ Snippet 3:
“I don’t usually get to talk much about Sherlock Holmes,” Ty said slowly. “So I also tend to… well, the term is info-dump? About it sometimes. I don’t mind if you do it as well, about your interests. It’s another thing we have in common,”
Kit stared at Ty for a long moment. “...I guess so. Um, since we can text now, you can message me about Sherlock Holmes sometimes if you’d like. I’m not super familiar with the novels, but I know the basics,”
Ty’s hands were searching for a fidget toy in his pockets—he’d taken a fidget slider to school that day—in an effort to not grab Kit excitedly. It didn’t really feel like enough, but he tried to focus on that. “That would be fun, and I like explaining it, so I don’t mind if you don’t know everything. I know basically nothing about Percy Jackson except that it has Greek mythology in it, so I don’t mind if you explain things either,”
That was good. Ty could be totally calm about this. It wasn’t like Kit hadn’t just given him one of the nicest things someone could do for him—the space and attention to talk about a special interest. 
“Great, it’ll be fun. Maybe we’ll get each other to read the books we like,” Kit nodded.
Cool. That was cool. Ty wouldn’t go absolutely crazy if he found out Kit read any of the Sherlock Holmes novels. He’d have time to mentally prepare for it, right?
“Anyway, what are you looking for here?” Kit looked around the bakery again. 
Ty sort of felt like just buying everything Kit seemed interested in now, but that wouldn’t be a smart idea. “Um. What’s the best type of pastry?”
“Cookies,” Kit said immediately, before his jaw clicked shut and he looked away a little. “If I had to pick, I guess,”
Huh.
~~~~~~~ Picking out snippets for this chapter is hard cuz it's so fucking LONG. And they KEEP TALKING.
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strawberry-milkbunny · 4 months
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Random Discourse about Sakura and women:
Anime community especially MEN is wack pls I’m begging y’all just say u hate women and MOVE ON it’s getting EMBARRASSING how blatant misogyny is showing or just watch the BARBIE 2023 movie (aka feminism/the patriarchy broken down in the simplest terms possible) 🙇‍♀️🙇‍♀️🙇‍♀️‼️‼️
I’m an adult woman and have broken down my internalized misogyny that plagued me as a child in the anime community aka I got over the whole “Sakura is useless” thing which was lowkey funny 10 years ago but is NOW very much giving off hating women vibes.
Like as an adult I can wholeheartedly say that I do not expect men to be able to write female characters properly. Hence as a baseline all female characters r automatically considered “cool” until they prove otherwise bc ik for a fact that their faults r due to the author. Especially in anime where we’ve seen over and over again how female characters lack where their male counterparts prosper. (I’m an anthropology student and I very much want to write a dissertation on sexual repression/misogyny in Japanese culture bc I recently visited and YIKES but that’s irrelevant rn lol).
It’s very much disappointed but not surprised and I will say that in the Shounen category it’s gotten a lot better (such as chainsaw man✨chefs kiss✨ or JJK) where female characters are just like the protagonist aka normal ppl without the whole tsundere archetype that’s automatically assigned to female characters (I cannot help but think that archetype was created by men’s lack of comprehension of women eventually turning into comedic violence. Which in a meta viewpoint means that women have to be physically strong/inhibit violence in order to be a “strong” character/stand beside their male counterpart. Which is just untrue and annoying god I hate that archetype). There’s definitely been an improvement of women just being goofy and unhinged and I love that (once again Power), and I can’t help but think that Naruto was probably a big influence in that.
Say what u will about the series but Naruto was definitely a pioneer/classic archetypes for modern shounen. My babygirl Sasuke is the OG angsty-dark haired boy in a trio ft the MC and main girl, the traumatized aloof teacher, tournament arcs, etc. Part of that influence is also learning from the mistakes of the series, specifically the most prominent female character aka learning to write women from Kishimoto’s mistakes.
Idk I feel like it’s just so hard to be a woman and watch anime only bc the female characters are so lacking most of the time. Once again there have been improvements but it feels like we’re doing a “congrats u’ve done the bare minimum” or there’s themes of feminism/foreshadowing development but that’s basically dropped. For example: BNHA all the girls in 1-A have the exact same personality (minus Jirou). They’re all cheerful, bubbly, nice and it’s not bad it’s just fucking BORING like it would’ve been a lot more entertaining to have a somewhat female Bakugo or even Mirko-like personality in the class. Or ooooh give me a misunderstood MEAN GIRL (Ao No Flag QUEEN MAMI I LOVE HER SO MUCH‼️😩😩). In BNHA in the beginning there was definitely the theme of treatment of female heroes that was gonna be set up but dropped. Ex: Momo being sexualized (another discourse), Bakugo vs Uraraka and how Bakugo was being booed for not holding back on a girl, etc….
“Sakura is useless” = “blank is a better love story than Twilight” in my head….truly just say u hate teenage girls/ANY activity girls enjoy (I will never forgive ppl for making fun of girls for buying hydro flasks) and move on the conversation is tiring and BORING. Aka I love Twilight UNIRONICALLY and ironically like 7th grade me was a die hard STAN and I love that about myself which made living thru the active 2012 twilight era painful. Even my king Robert Pattinson said hating twilight isn’t cool anymore 🫡🫡🫡
Flashfoward I think I’m more than qualified to say that to ME Sakura is just okay. I will argue there’s only 4 well written female characters in Naruto (TSUNADE, KONAN, Karin and Kushina). Like even if I wasn’t a diehard SNS shipper I feel like overall she’s just aight, once again I’m kinda just neutral on her bc she’s just kinda there up until that ridiculous war arc that I semi refuse to believe exists. I have OPINIONS on the whole “new age Sannin/Team 7 dynamic” that everyone loves but feels like lazy writing.
Not saying anything to fanfic writers or Sakura Stans bc y’all do u, but I feel like it says a lot in a sad way how Sakura is shipped with every single male character in the series or how in fanfic she’s given Mokutan or part of a clan (which admittedly is very fun to think about). I can’t help but feel that she’s such a blank slate that u really CAN ship her with every character and it would somehow work. For example: could you do that to someone like Sasuke? I mean if ur a talented enough writer than SLAY but for the most part Sasuke has such a defined personality and VALUES that it’s HARD. Or Sakura is born into a clan and given a cool jutsu (which kinda disregards the point of her character: being one of the only Civilian born kids/normal person in her whole class thrown into the terrible and cruel world of Naruto and having to actually work to even SURVIVE not to mention trying to “catch up” to an Uchiha and the 9 tails). Once again fanfic writers you do you I’ll eat that shit up no cap LOL
This post was originally a crack post but turned into a discourse of women in anime LMAOO anyways here’s the actual post:
I am CONVINCED every fandom has a self insert character like for Naruto it’s SAKURA bc the way she’s shipped with EVERY character is so funny (where do y’all come up with MADARA AND SAKURA LIKE WHAT SHSJSKKSKKSK)
Like omg in Game of Thrones it’s totallyyyy JON or Sansa (which kinda makes me sad bc they’re both super unhinged in the books esp Jon mans is basically the teenage manager of the worst McDonald’s in Alaska like his POVs r sooo funny and melodramatic)
In Tokyo Rev it’s Takemichi bc how is he a cannon folder in his own anime 😭😭😭 or maybe it’s bc everyone is horny that they gotta be Takemichi to get with one of the boys in fanfic LOLL😵‍💫😵‍💫
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imfrom-neptune · 2 months
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Rambly brain dump
I’m probably venting actually idk
Maybe don’t read this I just need to put it somewhere
I don’t think I realized that all the shit that happened just genuinely wasn’t as funny as I thought it was
Like it was happening and I was like “lmao my dad broke in a window tryna get into my house”. But let’s be real. My dad broke in a window tryna get into my house. What?? That happened to me? I was supposed to go to a concert that night. I missed it because I was helping to clean up glass and keep my siblings entertained. My dad broke a window.
I freak out when cars pass by my window and get nervous when people knock in the door cause it reminds me of the night my dad had cops shine lights through our windows at 4am trying to see if we were home. And the stupidest thing is no, my mom wasn’t home. I was alone and I had to be brave and deal with that by myself. Because she stayed out with her boyfriend and was too much of a coward to come back and keep me safe.
I stayed up until 5am packing up and moving and leaving my entire life behind. I live in a little house with a tiny pull out bed and a toy box as a bedside table. I packed my shit up while my mom was throwing away my things and yelling at me for not being able to carry things that were too heavy. I still packed my things and I still ended up in this sad little house and I still left my safe place and I can’t ever go back. That home belongs to someone else. That place isn’t mine anymore.
And this doesn’t even only apply to things that happened during the divorce.
I had to have been like six at most, and my mom had my mouth tapped shut while I cried in a corner.
I’ve been locked out on my front porch at least three times. I was maybe 12.
My mom has been throwing out my things for years. It started with toys when I “misbehaved”, and now it’s things that actually matter to me. She broke into my fucking locker thing just to get into my personal stuff and throw it all away. And then she had the nerve to deny it. She threw away my art because she didn’t like it. She took away the apps I needed to make YouTube videos because she didn’t like them. Everything I’ve ever told her I liked, she’s always found a way to ruin.
When my parents found out I was queer they yelled at me about it for hours. Punished me for it. Told me I could tell anyone I wanted but no one would ever believe me. And y’know what? I told my Opa and he believed me. They’re probably half the reason I was so scared to tell him. But guess fucking what? They were wrong. And now they want me to believe they’re soooo supportive? Fuck that.
In 7th grade I was (for lack of a nicer way to say it-) very suicidal and I struggled slightly with hurting myself. Ofc I didn’t hurt myself in a way that mattered, I don’t even have scars anymore, but regardless. They found out about this, and punished me for that too. I literally wanted to be dead, thought I deserved it, and they grounded me for it. Didn’t help me at all. Just made me feel worse about it. I got myself clean and I made myself want to be alive again. They didn’t do anything for me.
I’ve been hit for things I shouldn’t have been. Sometimes I made the mistake of fighting back. I haven’t been hit since the divorce, cause y’know, they want me to like them. But I used to be hit all the time and I’m now realizing how scary that really is.
I’ve been threatened to have cops called on me. I’ve been threatened to be abandoned. I’ve been threatened to be killed.
I’ve been told straight up that my mother regrets me. Which is the funniest (or, maybe not funniest?) thing because I was literally unplanned. Though my mom refuses to admit it, I did the math, and my dad told me. We all know.
And I guess I just find it easier to play it like a joke. But it’s sorta hit me over the past two weeks that it actually affected me and I actually have problems because of it. It’s not funny. I may have had a childhood full of toys but I also had yelling outside my door at late night hours.
And I just played it as a joke because I didn’t know what else to do. Now it’s too late to be upset about it. It’s all happened and now I’ve gotta grow up and pretend it didn’t. I didn’t get the good parents. And I can’t do anything about it.
and it’s so scary cause if they can fake 20 years of love, what does that say about me? I’m both of them in one. I’m every bad thing they’ve done, put together. I’m a result of those mistakes. Am I designed to be as bad as they are? Cause I desperately want to be nothing like them.
I wish none of this ever happened to me. I remember too much and at the same find half of my memory is blank. I don’t know why I deserved this, and it makes it so hard to believe I didn’t. Why would such bad things happen to me if I didn’t deserve it? I did it all by myself for what reason?
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t4tdanvis · 3 months
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Please share your headcanons and thoughts on Gene! I wanna hear them!
i have too many i have one million billion thoughts about gene every second its like this every day:
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anyways. gene!!!!! i will give a few thoughts/headcanons/paragraph-long rants about him weeeeee
for mystreet specifically:
-gene is a wof fan, dante is a wc fan. gene is quickly outnumbered bc vylad, zenix, and sasha all also like wc, and he is forced (read: willingly does so bc their friends like it. not that she'll Ever admit that tho) to read wc. it actually ends up liking the books (he heavily relates to ivypool... i wonder why... such a mystery... /j)
-gene is very tall and towers over most of the people they know bc theyre 6'3 (he took all of the available height when he was born so now dante is 5'2 /j). she feels very self-conscious about her height at times but usually finds it very entertaining to scarily lean over people (even though none of their friends are scared by that at all bc theyre super skinny and they have the energy of a sopping wet kitten /j)
-during high school, gene is too stressed to deal with gender or sexuality or anything but that does not stop it from hitting him like a truck. and then backing up to run her over again. repeatedly. they are genderfluid and use any pronouns, and they are bi, polyam, sapphillean, demiromantic, and asexual :)
-seems very intimidating to strangers but the second u actually start talking to them they just. arent intimidating at all? he can be a little rude at times (due to the Autism) and is very quiet and closed off, but really hes just shy and bad at talking to people. unless u hurt any of her friends then she WILL murder u
-gene can and will kill fascists. be gay do crime, death to america <3
-gene has freckles :) she also has a ton of piercings, and has heterochromia (one blue eye and one brown eye)
-their first friend ever was sasha. the two of them met whenever sasha was being bullied in elementary school and gene stood up for her. zenix became friends with them later whenever it just... came over to them at lunch in like 7th grade and started sitting with them (it straight up just said "idk where to sit and you both look gay"). the three of them have been inseparable ever since
-gene is very protective over dante (and by extension, travis as well). no one ever messes with dante or travis bc if u do dante is 100% telling his sibling and ur Dead if gene finds out
-scarily good at video games. her favorite game is rain world and she plays it all the time (they managed to beat enots campaign. somehow?????)
-huge crywolf fan. discovered crywolf when her dad was still at home a lot of the time (he ends up being put in jail for life after attempting to murder his wife. so uhhhhh at least hes gone now?? his family still has to deal with the Trauma but hey) and its been a huge comfort for her ever since
-very high spice tolerance. eats carolina reapers for fun <3
for mcd:
-gene was killed via being burned at the stake. he is now terrified of fire (although he pretends he isnt). he was only 18 when he was executed
-while mys gene is transneufem, mcd gene is transmasc. he uses he/they and is a gay trans man :)
-"but how is her gay if he was canonically in love with a woman" WELL! he suffered from the very common transmasc experience of "i knew i was gay but i didnt know i was a man yet so i thought i was just a lesbian". and also bc of the BPD + trauma making him super attached to this one girl
-speaking of that: gene tried to kiss the girl, and she ran off bc she turned out to be homophobic. they tried to erase her memory so she would go back to being their friend, but dante caught them and she ran off while gene was trying to explain (dante thought what was going on was much worse than it was, and didnt realize until it was too late to apologize)
-growing up, genes entire village was very conservative. the abuse he went through went ignored and shoved under the rug, and he wasnt able to come out until he died and became a shadow knight
-fully turned into a shadow knight after murdering their father. he also set his home village on fire and erased everyones memory of him and dante for good measure (in his mind, he thought he was helping dante)
-gene is 6'8. he used to be 6'6 but grew two inches when he became a shadow knight. also they used to have really long hair (bc he wasnt allowed to cut it) but now they have very fluffy hair that ends around their shoulders
-the color red is a huge trigger for him, he hates it
-was launched out of one abusive relationship (his dad) right into another (shad). he didnt realize shad was abusive for a long time bc, well, shad is nice to him a lot of the time, sure he forces gene to commit murder and torture people and gene really feels iffy about that, but he lets gene cut his hair and and wear masculine clothes so he cant be that bad right hahaha? (<- gene is in denial)
-oh nooo now hes getting sent to the Torture Chamber oh nooooooooo oh well (vylad ends up saving him but not before he gets More C-PTSD)
-he tried to use his powers to forget his entire past. it didnt work well. now his memories are just very fragmented and come back/disappear randomly
-he has DID (dante does as well). due to the Trauma
ANYWAYS that is all i have. for now. i have a billion more hcs but i have typed way too much so here u go
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chasingfictions · 1 year
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also uno reverse card-ing florence back at u <3
THANK YOU KING.
on that note:
fav song: KING. i cant describe what this did to me when i heard it for the first time. most insane song in the world . listen to the live at msg version and try not to have full body shivers it;s impossible
least fav song: ok i have certain songs that i have listened to less over the years but lately ive been coming back to them and being like wait does this actually fuck??? which is to say my answer is probably strangeness and charm but now im kind of into it. also toxic opinion i did not enjoy cosmic love for a while like i think it just feels like a song i get fatigued of more? but lately i listened to it again for the first time in a while and i was like OH!! this FUCKS!! holy shit!!! which is to say fatm has the same principle as btvs which is no bad songs / no bad episodes. all good. even when it's bad it's good.
fav album: genuinely dance fever is the best album ever made. like. i think it combines everything that works abt the sound of the lungs/ceremonials era and everything that works abt the sound of the hb3/high as hope era into one perfectly balanced album. NO SKIPS ALBUM. like florence has no bad songs but she does have songs where im like ok im not feeling this right now. im always in the mood for every song on dance fever. she said i am making an album about vampires and mental illness and being queer and god and dancing. and i said HEY!!! HEY I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!! I LVOE YOU!!! i have this album on vinyl also it's the only album i own on vinyl shout out to @ho-tato for buying it for me on vinyl
least fav album: ok dont hate me but i think high as hope is one of her weaker albums. like i still LOVE high as hope i love that whole era when it came out i listened to it on repeat for like 3 weeks. BUT idk for me i think the songs are a little less distinctive ? still obviously bops. 'no choir' is insane. literally she is out here making songs that speak to the rest of her discography. 'no choir' is cousins with 'restraint'. and like if u asked me abt any individual song on high as hope i'd be like yeah it FUCKS. but as a whole album i think it's a little too muted? or maybe i just wish it was longer? idk. i love you high as hope. youre my cherished baby high as hope im sorry i said all this.
song that got me into them: ok this is so hard to say bc i have loved fatm since like. the 7th grade. but the first song i remember getting REALLY into is 'landscape-demo'. EVERYONE GO LISTEN TO LANDSCAPE DEMO. SHE'S JUST LIKE THE WEATHER! CANT HOLD HER TOGETHER! BORN FROM DARK WATER! DAUGHTER OF THE RAIN AND SNOWWWW. oh my god. shrimp emotions.the right way to listen to that song is when ur 13 and on the bus to middle school and it's a dark morning shifting into daylight and also you just started practicing witchcraft .
seen live; YES!!!!! ive seen her 3 times!!!!! for the first time at a music festival during the hb3 era, and then at a free concert for a talk show also during the hb3 era and then i saw her in CONCERT during the high as hope era every single time changed me as a person. i couldnt go to her concert in my city during the dance fever tour bc it was the same weekend as my brother's wedding. im fine about it. im FINE. i just wish her and my brother had planned better. would some cross communication have been so hard. and also i know her intimately from my whole chest and my spirit so in that sense i see her live every day.
rating: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10  !!! one million!!! ten billion!!!!!!!!! there is no numerical value for her she transcends that. i want to be ejected into outer space with her.
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godgoddamnitdamnit · 7 months
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aye
if you find this and are butthurt i didn’t make any effort whatsoever to find my mutuals again just know ….you’re a faggot retard for having emotions lol
No but seriously my bad I don’t care about the internet because I am old enough that this wasn’t even…. Nevermind lol JUST KNOW the internet took more friends from me than it gave to me? If that makes sense lol it doesn’t it’s dramatic and dopey - but AIM was the downfall cause we all didn’t have to settle for who was close by anymore we could and did find people 10 miles away and ride our bikes in the dead of night to meet half way and YOUTH IS WASTED ON THE YOUNG but not me just you fucktards on tumblr who could and should be out side making memories lol you’re gonna have a shitty death let me tell you
but I digress
I love the internet - but I wish it was vanish lol
the internet is why my first boyfriend, my first love, basically was cheating on me emotionally? Idk lol we lost virginity to eachother and yet still somehow this cunt with eczema who he’d only seen pictures of on xanga and met maybe once years before when she was visiting family up here - yo whatever she ended up getting super fat so I don’t care lol but fuck you dylan and fuck you caitlin lol half my life ago and I’m still butthurt about it - BECAUSE THE FIRST CUT IS THE DEEPEST lmao no but literally the first betrayal was before that in 7th grade when this kid literally let me come home with him and then just …didn’t ask me to be his girlfriend lol crushes af - and the only bitch with a boyfriend seriously was some trailpark blonde AND WE WERE LIKE 13 and this bitch has a TWENTY THREE 23 year old boyfriend. Like. Pedophiles are in the trailer parks, watch out
BUT you know what Barbara says lol she says choose to forgive
she says love and happiness and forgiveness are all choices
and your words affect your feelings (and dumb ass Jesus loving Barbara doesn’t know that effect is for when it’s a noun and affect is for when it’s a verb but I love her regardless)
additionally it feels like finding anyone on here again would imply that i thought you’d want me to return and that’s a level of ego I will never have
I don’t know if I start the wild yam extract tonight but
gonna go with tomorrow lol another thing Barbara says (I hate me for saying it so much too - in my head I’m doin a mocking ‘muhmuhmuh momma says’ thing about it lol) that shit supposed to be used twice a day
I might have been over doing it with a ml a day anyway? Idfk
it seemingly helped but today I was supposed to be all
whatever it doesn’t matter I’d rather stay here and do nothing that go eat free meals with a handsome dude and and and
🤷‍♀️
I guess this is me now lol
fucking force me to cope with being alone and then be surprised when I’m okay with being alone - ILLOGICAL
Days of fasting and only pumpkin seeds
I’m about to kill some worms
wormwood is the most bitter thing I’ve ever had in my mouth ever - do not recommend lol but it supposedly makes worms die so… fingers crossed
I feel like I should take time off work about it lmao I would never
I love my job I love my house I love my kitties I love my car I love my bed I love my journals I love my books I love learning I love dendrites I love weed still and that might be a problem lol but it’s HERBS AND GOD GAVE HERBS IN THE SERVICE OF MAN
where are my teeth oof
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raqisreadinghole · 2 years
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Baseball Babe: Ch. 1
Pairings: Bruce Yamada x fem!oc, Robin Arellano x platonic!fem!oc 
Warnings: cursing
Word count: 1146
Summary: While Bruce is used to the girls practically falling at his feet, he is challenged when one is not. At the ripe age of 13, Bruce Yamada, for the first time, is confused. Why isn’t she in love with him? Why wasn’t she kissing the ground he walked on? Bruce, for once, finds himself taking interest in someone. Someone, who also happens to play his favorite sport.
a/n: Guys this started as a joke so don’t take this too seriously :D. Just some self-indulgence here. Idk when chapter 2 is coming out so yup. May or may not include the grabber events, just depends. If it does then it’ll likely be pushed back to between the years of 1980-1981 idk. Also I might tweak some of the ages/years/grades for my own comfortability.
Ch.2 !! Ch.3 !! Ch.4 !! Ch.5 !!
September 8, 1978.
About three weeks into school.
Jamie stepped through the school doors, the bell ringing quickly after. With rush, she hurriedly skid down the hall till she heard the commotion. Several shouts of ‘fight!’, chants that cheer on and encourage the behavior down the hall. In fact, the noise was bellowing off the once empty hallways traveling through classrooms, she wondered why there were no staff stopping whatever was happening.
She steps through the jumping crowd for further inspection, and to get to her damn class, when her eyes are drawn to her idiot fight-loving friend. Robin Arellano is kneeling on the ground slamming fist after fist into some poor, or not so poor, kid’s face. Fucking hell Robin.
Jumping into the action, she grasps and grips at his collar, yanking and clearly startling the boy. “Get up shithead”, she says firmly through gritted teeth, before pulling him off and away from the bleeding classmate.
Dragging him off into an emptier hall, she finally got a good look at him. That’s when she realized he walked off without a scratch, well nothing worse than the typical bruised knuckles. The surprise in his eyes couldn’t be covered by the guilt he felt, not feeling it because he actually felt bad, but because she’d caught him. 
He thought she was out of town.
“I thought you weren’t coming back till tonight”, he murmured awkwardly, a poor attempt at filling the short silence. 
“Baseball tryouts start today, I didn’t want to lower my already slim chances of getting on the team”, Jamie chuckles. Despite the joke, there was a truthfulness to her words.
She’d just moved back into the area, they just needed to get the last of their things before being officially moved in. Robin and her grew up together until the end of 4th grade, when she moved to Westminster. Over the course of her two years there, Jamie took great interest in baseball, learning and working hard hoping to be one of the first girls on a team. Of course it never happened, because lord knows no coach was willing to risk their team and reputation like that. Despite moving, she had kept in contact with Robin, always being up to date with each other. In June, she’d gotten the news they’d be moving back into Denver, and she’d be attending school with Robin again. From July to August and a bit of September, she had spent the time moving, back and forth between the cities in order to ensure all her belongings would be moving with her. That’s when she’d seen it. A flyer for a travel baseball team. The Front Rangers. That’s how she ended up where she is now. At school, going through 7th grade with Robin, hoping, praying, practically manifesting she’d be good enough to make the team. In reality, Jamie knew she had to be better than good to be on that team. She knew she had to be better than everyone else trying out and everyone apart of the existing team.
With a silent nod he decides to lead them to class rather than continue standing there. The dragging of feet and occasional chatter from stragglers in the halls were the only things the two heard as they continued to walk to class. Opening the door to history, they scanned the room, seeing many students were already in attendance. They took their seats, however not before Jamie made eye contact with a boy sitting towards the back. brushing it off she hurriedly sat down, taking out her notebook and a pen before the teacher began to take attendance.
Bruce had sat down as the bell rang. This left him waiting about all of the 10 minutes to watch his classmates file into the classroom, boyfriends and girlfriends dropping the other off into the classroom. Everyone had finally settled into their seats by the time he decided to get his history notebook out. That’s when he heard scurrying feet and the squeak of the old wooden door. 
They really need to get that fixed. Or at least oiled.
In walked Robin, right behind him, a girl. Bruce couldn’t recognize her, couldn’t put a name to her face. He concluded that he hadn’t gone to school with her before, or at least didn’t notice he did.
Right then he made eye-contact with her, briefly. But the point-two seconds of staring into her eyes was enough to send his heart into oblivion. She’s pretty. Shit, she’s really pretty. Scratch that, no, she's beautiful.
He watched as she and Robin walked to their separate seats. Her, just four desks ahead of him, Robin to his right. 
Maybe that’s why he’d never noticed her. Maybe he was too busy with himself when walking by her desk. Maybe he took a different route out of the classroom sometimes. Despite the possibilities, how could he not notice her? Her style didn’t match the girls that pushed themselves towards him. She wore medium-length blue Levi’s shorts, with Reebok sneakers and a ‘The Temptations’ shirt, hitting about an inch above her shorts, revealing a bit of her torso. His favorite band! In comparison to the other frilly and pastel dresses and shirts girls typically wore. She was tall, at least taller than all the other girls he had swooning over him. About 5’4, making her an inch taller than Robin and an inch shorter than Bruce. Her wavy brown hair flowing behind her, bangs shaped like curtains flopping against her forehead as she frustratingly ran her hand through them. Her eyes, oh her eyes. They were the perfect medium brown with specks of gold and green, and if he could stare into them all day he would. 25/8. He couldn’t stop looking at her. He probably looked like a lovesick puppy, or a stalker, but he didn’t care. He couldn’t stop thinking about how she walked in, after Robin. Oh shit Robin-
“Look Bruce, I get it she’s pretty. Now personally I don’t have a thing for her,” Robin whispers, placing his hands on his own chest. “but I am her friend. And from me to you, stop gawking for two fucking seconds would ya?”
Bruce nods, albeit a bit surprised he’d been caught, by her best friend of all people. He however, straightens a bit before roll is called, refocusing himself. Name after name is called before he hears one in particular. 
“Jamie Monroe.” 
“Present.” Jamie replies, raising her hand.
Jamie. Jamie Monroe. What a cool fucking name. She’s gorgeous AND has a cool name. Bruce was in for it, he knew that. And her voice? It was deeper than all the high pitched squeaky, sickeningly sweet ones he was used to hearing. Jamie’s was deep and silky. God, he could listen to it all day. 
“Bruce Yamada? Is Bruce Yamada here?”
Shit. He was screwed.
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a-kuma · 3 months
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omg me posting a YEAR after leaving this place dead and abandoned!? no way :3
naurr um im using this as my personal not so personal diary because ive recently found old literature exams from middle school (9th grade) while dusting off my room and getting rid of a few things and ive realised how awful that teacher was ; only her of course!! literature is rather my strong subject aside from languages and arts and yet of my entire 12 years of school shes the only literature teacher id fail classes w ; fyi she was also my literature teacher in 7th grade too so it must be a problem w her :3
context!! that white woman was OBSESSED over east asians first of all and would treat them like teacher pet (her husband is also east asian im not saying anything) and she was rather racist and hostile towards north africans like me whatever u were of arab or amazigh decent and would purposely make us fail, idk why but she was pretty much always on my back, insulting me and putting me down, saying that it's just that im too lazy and stupid to success (i had undiagnosed adhd at that time too lol) and overall wanted me to fail really fucking bad by giving me the hardest homework and subjects to work on : once again please note, out of 12 years old school id only fail literature with her ONLY
ive been confused as to why is she only personally attacking me when other white kids had bad if not worse grades than i did yet shed just leave them but thats cause i didnt realise yet she was a racist bitch ahahaha
her bullying drained out every once of self esteem i had for myself and made me feel like shit for a very long time ; ive entered high school depressed thinking i should just give up but guess what!! i had the best grades in literature in my entire school. were talking highschool level.
so miss lee i really hope the fuck ure reading this cause im alive and healthy and i hope ure fucking pissed off right now cause i got my baccalaureate diploma first try w 16/20 and 96/100 at the literature test and currently studying acting ; i will pray everyday that u personally go jobless
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thomas-j-nook · 5 months
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Showered and called pikes hill to ask if i have moved up on the waiting list for primary care. They said they would call me back. They actually did call me back and I'm on the list been on it since june 1st. They said they are trying to hire more doctors so right now the list is moving incredibly slow. I called the maine care PM hotline and they gave me all the doctors in oxford county that accept maine care. A lot of the doctors taking patients are in south portland and with transportation i can't swing that. Pete can't leave work earlier then 2pm. Then he'd have to get me in norway and then go to portland. We'd never make it. I just feel like i need a primary care doctor so bad and I'm trying. Urgent care and the ER are good resourses but i need someone who knows my health history and personal issues. I have a more conplex medical case so i can go to the er for a massive migrane and explain ohh i have a chaari malformation. Or i have hindendritis suppertive my old doctor used to do this for it. Right now my options are urgent care or the er and last 2 times i went to urgent care they sent me to the er because urgent care can't do x rays they can't draw blood, can't do IVs. They even sent calliope to the er when she had a uti because they said she needed a catheter and they don't do that. I did look at the thing ginny brought up. The paying a doctor a monlthy direct fee. Direct primary care. Its anywhere from $55-150 a month. Which i coukd swing. My only worry is finding one. A lot of DPCs like young healthy patients because they get a montly income and only see them twice a year. They tend to stay away from people with multiple medical needs. So I'd need to find a good one and i also need to look into if i need an x ray for any reason could i use maine care for the x ray at the hospital? If they need to book out of office tests I'd need to able to use my maine care from reading i think i can still use it for hospitals and refferals they give. Just pay for the primary care part. The benefit is there is less dr turn around. So your doctor general stays your dr for a longer time. Also some will try to care for you over the phone. So if you call and explain your symptoms and they said yeah you need an antibiotic. Here it is.
Its something i am considering because with my medical issues i don't feel comfertable not having a pcp.
My dad also called me and said he was going to take me soup for my birthday 😃 chicken noodle homemade broth and everything. My birthday is friday. 32. Maybe celebrate it thursday at program.
I'm watching pen15. Its good. Its about two girls growing up in the 2000's as 7th graders. The trends and awkwardness of the early 2000s. I was the same age and did the same stuff. Like playing spice girls when all your friends fight over being baby spice. Lol. I was shy so i don't relate to a lot. But its so funny seeing the 2000's trends over again. Relatable. Its called pen15 because in the 2000s we used to write out penis as pen15 lmao i don't know why. It was like butting 8008 in the calculator and saying "it says boob" 8th grade stuff when the word penis was hilarious. I think some of that stays because a few months ago at program an erectile dysfunction commercial came on and we looked at eachother and giggles. Its game on before and its come on after but for some reason we all giggles about it once. Someone must have said oh my. Or maybe cayden groaned when it came up. Idk but we all giggled like kids.
My plan for the day is nothing much i have to to walmart for groceries and walgreens for prescriptions. Also walgreens and cvs are going on stike for unfair working conditions. It just came out yesterday. I knew a few weeks from my brother. Its about being understaffed in the pharmacy. Them not hiring staff thats needed. I believe november 7th. So some pharmastists and pharamcy workers are going on a workers strike. Also riteaid filled for bankruptcy and are not doing so well due to stores like walmart and amazon offering prescriptions.
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lifeisbooksandcats · 8 months
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Sometimes I can’t help but to get locked on to certain thoughts and sit here trying to make sense of them. Things like my mom saying “your father and I never had you evaluated or anything, but you’re on the autism spectrum” to me or my stepmom telling my wife “yes her parents knew, but it was the 90s. She was well behaved and did well in school, what were they supposed to do?” or my mom saying “what would that label have done?” (idk aside from make me feel like I wasn’t broken and that it wasn’t just that I wasn’t trying hard enough to be ‘normal’ and it wasn’t that I wasn’t good enough, and maybe if I’d been diagnosed or given a ‘label’ idk maybe I would have understood myself better and forgiven myself for the jokes I didn’t get and social cues I missed and for always managing to say the wrong thing at the wrong time..)
But can I be frustrated with my family for knowing this about me and not telling ME? Can I be frustrated with my mom over this that happened in my childhood when now I’m in my 30s? Because she was doing her best the best she knew how to. She was a single mom working full time and raising two kids. And yeah honestly most kids I grew up around either had parents who were divorced or who should have been, but maybe my mom was thinking that my sister and I were already ‘different’ for being raised by just our mom (and our grandparents who lived just down the street, and our aunt and uncle who lived in the same apartment building), and already ‘different’ because we lived with our grandparents because our mom couldn’t afford to live on our own, and already ‘different’ because sometimes even after we did move out of our grandparents’ house and into the apartment we would still go to our grandparents’ house for dinners because food was expensive (again, single mom), and already ‘different’ because we lived in an apartment and even in our small town most people lived in single family homes, and maybe she thought that an autism diagnosis..if I was different in that way too..maybe she thought that was too much difference? So how can I be frustrated with her when logically I know she was doing the best she could?
And part of me wonders if she DID try in her own way? Because when I was in like 5th/6th/7th grade, and even some of 8th grade if I remember right, she had me going to the guidance counselor during lunch a couple of times a week for “anger management” which I never fully understood. Yes I was frustrated and angry with the world and yes I’d yell and scream at her and sometimes be unable to speak and yes I would go to bed wishing/hoping/praying I wouldn’t wake up in the morning but it wasn’t like I was throwing chairs across a classroom or punching someone in gym class like the other two kids in that god awful office I’d sit and eat lunch with while we took childish drawings on laminated cards and came up with ideas of “healthy ways to manage our feelings”… looking back at that, I can’t help but to wonder if she wanted that guidance counselor to recommend an autism evaluation? Was she hoping someone else would notice and step in and tell her “your child is struggling”? But that would never have happened. Because I wasn’t a boy. Because I did well in school. Because I had friends. Because as long as my schedule didn’t change and nothing unexpected came up, I was generally a fairly happy kid. Because I was obsessed with Harry Potter and Aaron Carter and Maximum Ride and Jesse McCartney (and later, Taylor Swift), not trains. Because I excelled in English class, not math.
And then in high school when socializing became even more difficult as people broke off into even more defined cliques than they had in middle school, and as puberty happened and I got my first period, and as life just didn’t make SENSE anymore.. as I cried at home nearly daily because I just didn’t want to do it, any of it, any more because it was all so exhausting.. my mom would threaten to send me to a therapist. It was a threat. It was never portrayed as someone who might be able to help, but instead a punishment because why aren’t you trying HARDER? What are you doing WRONG? Did she want me to break down and say yes? Was part of her hoping I would want to see someone, and that that someone would finally tell me I wasn’t broken or wrong, I was just autistic and that there wasn’t anything inherently wrong with that?
I can’t be mad at her because this was all so long ago. But my heart breaks for my childhood self. I just want to hug her. I want to tell her it’s okay. She’s okay. And there’s nothing, nothing, NOTHING wrong with her. She isn’t broken. And honestly she’s trying a little bit too hard. And everything will all be okay. I wish that kid I was could know that she would be happy, so genuinely happy, one day.
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dhdhhehdndbdbd · 11 months
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sigggghh. idk what to do. idk what to do. truthfully, I would like to feel happy again. okay lol that sounds extreme but nothing feels right with the people around me right now. i keep getting so many angel numbers but girl I think it’s bc I look at the clock too much LMAO. ive asked the cards dozens of times if im on the right path, if I made the right choice, what else I should know. Ive got a lot of things weighing me down right now and it feels difficult to shake them off. im really not sure what to do.
firstly with Stacy - im calling her Stacy but her real name starts with Aly- it’s hard because we’ve gotten so close over the last year that it feels wrong when I start wanting to distance myself. i felt myself judging her for that little breakdown she had. i think I was just more upset at the fact that I have to constantly reassure her and take all of those negative emotions that she released when she has a lot of them. and I know it’s difficult to deal with.. that’s why I put up with them, for her. but that insecurity, that feeling super stuck, god it feels fucning contagious. it makes ME feel like im never gonna get over anything even though what do I have to get over??? dylan?? i mean yeah, ive still got some ways to go but I feel like for the most part ive processed a lot of that already in a somewhat healthy way… I let myself cry about it, I let myself think about it, I was even planning to tell him. and when I saw him at the party it did make me slightly uncomfy and I was kind of searching for him but it was much less than I used to and I didn’t have a huge freak out after. there was just a slight, “oh, yeah this guy exists. we used to like each other. things are so different now, and that does kinda suck.” but there were also things he was doing that gave me the ick so i was like errr… okay
but then also I think fuckinf staying up until 4am w sam kinda pushed my mind in another direction too, like wtf was that… idk what his intentions are and I think that’s what made me anxious. if it were March and I were drunk.. okay yeah that might’ve worked, but it’s May, im not as disillusioned with bullshit and I don’t have such a strong urge to fill the void with other things. im okay sitting with my shit, and now I don’t even want him lol.
speaking of wanting, talking to wyatt sligghtllly stresses me out too cus it’s like oh when I do snap him, how long has he left on me delivered, is he gonna ghost me, I need to leave him on read and then just snap him when I come back to gville, but wait isn’t keeping up a snap streak kind of cute, oh my god this is a fucking 20 year old man why are we doing this 7th grade shit (insert crying emoji here bc it doesn’t let me for some reason). i think the only reason im doing this is bc he’s hot and is the first guy ive ever kissed and im horny lol.. also he raised my standards so much like wow I was able to pull that?? sure maybe all he wants is my ass but hey if it’s my ass im still flattered
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television-pil0t · 1 year
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I don’t think of my past too much unless I’m posting it here because my past is shit with some good parts. I miss daemon. I miss him so much. I don’t think I could replace the piece he ripped from me when he left. I miss how he touched me. I miss how he sounded and tbh it’s been so long I don’t remember his voice. I have a voice message from him from years ago and sometimes I’ll replay it. Just to hear him. He was like my brother. UGH THATS SO WEIRD BECAUSE WE FUCKED BUT LIKE. Ughgagayabsu UGH IDK IDK idk maybe he’s the reason I have that kink idk whatever that’s not the point. I miss him. I miss feeling that safe. He was my fp and I was his ep. I miss talking to him. Going to school with him. He accepted me as trans so quickly. Lol a black gangbanger just quck asf accepting that is so rare but god it was so nice. I met him in forth grade when I met Simon. He left in a few months and although I try and cut Dae out of my memory he was the first person I ever had a crush on. I wanted to be around him. Anaja or shaver his name was would tease us for always being around eachother. I remember one time I kinda ditched Simon on the playground to go on the some other part of the playground with daemon and he was leaning in a pole super close to my face and savanna was like “ARE YOU GONNA KISS HER?!” And he did and I literally almost passed out. We pile hug and kiss in the hallway. It was elementary school but god it was so nice. Especially when Simon didn’t even know me like that. A side I’d be felt bad for just leaving him randomly but I was absolutely obsessed with Dae. When he left after a few months with no explanation I hated my life. I experienced depression for the first time since fucking ABUSE! Shit was wild. And then 7th grade this fucker randomly texts me on INSTAGRAM and I pass out and start crying. He lived 2 miles away and I was so happy. It was a little bit of a walk but I still remember the exact path I took. We texted for a while and then he was like “yeah I live in here now” and looked it up on Google maps because I’m insane and SCREAMED when I found it he was so close. Then a week later he was like “so when we hanging out?” And I was like “NWHEHEJW NOW?!?” And I ran there. I ran all the fucking way there and hugged him so tight. He was so tall and pretty. God he was so fucking pretty. He was beautiful. He had cuts all over him. Some that were still bleeding and a fucked up eye but tbh. All I wanted to do was hold his hand. I can’t even explain the feeling I got when I saw him. He hung out every day. He was my first real bf, first person I fucked consensually. First person I ever did anything with.
I know I shouldn’t be mad at him. He did what he did for a reason and for that I can’t be mad. He did what I wanna do and escaped from a house that hated him. I hope to god he’s ok. I don’t cry about him anymore. Although I know I shouldn’t hate him I can’t help it. I do. I hate that it ended like that. I miss him but idk what I’d do if he ever contacted me again. Idk what would happen. I don’t wanna know. I wanna keep him in the past but tbh.
I’d someone could bring him back.. I wouldn’t be against it. I wonder what he looks like now. What he sounds like. Who he’s with. What he’s thinking. Does he ever think about me? Think about me?
Mali is basically like Daemon now. Lol it’s so weird. No matter where I go there’s always someone that I can replace with the person I lost. I can think of 2 people in my life that were truly irreplaceable and that’s Zakaya and Daemon. And my mom. Mali makes me feel safe but not in the way Dae did. Zakaya is a girl I genuinely never met anyone like ever again. Everyone else. And I mean EVERYONE else can be so easily replaced. Nothing interesting about them. Nothing different. If they can’t be replaced than sometimes it’s not really a good thing. Annoying personality, annoying human. Worthless.
I’ve heard I’m irreplaceable and I wonder if that’s true.
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Lol random ramble thought you can ignore lol
I totally can't relate to normies at all. I was reading some articles on like. How covid made people touch starved or whatever. And I'm like. Over here. Socially anxious introvert acearo touch averse. Lockdown was like heaven for me ngl lol. Not being touched for a few months? Cope weakling extroverts lol. I haven't had a hug or any kind of touch in years it's totally fine lol (OK the only person I hug is my grandma when she leaves holiday parties since she's a nice old lady who's like 86 or something but that's like a few times a year). Even one op Ed article was talking about going back to clubs and parties bc they were touch starved once the vaccine was out (2021 I think it was published?) despite the covid risks since again this article came out back when the vaccine was still relatively new and all. Bruh, that was so irresponsible (and still is imho) what the heck and people are praising this?????
Blllluh I don't understand extrovert normies who couldn't just not have irresponsible parties and stuff in the 2020-2021 time.
Anyways random memory time but I think the first and only time I held hands (like. Extremely lewd handholding. The most lewd finger interlacing kind) with someone who wasn't a family member was with this childhood friend dude that rode the bus with me in middle school. We got off the bus and were walking to our parents and my friend just took and held my hand. It was OK I guess? Nothing too weird (plus I think my touch averse stuff kicks in with other parts of my body tbh. I feel like hand holding would be tolerable/it doesnt trigger me i guess but also i have a very low sample size of 1 occurence?) so i didnt pull away at the time. Then 3 older girls in 8th grade who were walking behind us and saw this lewdest kind of handholding (I think we were in 5th or 6th grade) made it weird when they started singing that (name spelling) kissing in a tree song and he didn't like it and pulled away from me. Ironically this guy (no longer friends per say. Nothing bad, no arguments happened or anything, the school district just changed how the bus routes were and we didn't share a bus anymore + we gradually moved to different hobbies and friend groups in 7th - 12th grade so we drifted apart naturally as time passed le shrug) came out as gay at some point in high school (I don't know when since again we didn't talk to each other and still don't talk even though our moms are friends and send each other christmas cards). Also, also funny and disappointing. So. This guy is a nurse now and at the time was still in college maybe residency or pre med or something and working at one of the big hospitals. So. For spring break 2021 i think. According to what my mom heard for his mom or my sister via facebook gossip in our town. My friend went to a Florida nightclub or something for spring break and got covid. And his family has to quarantine and everything and his mom was telling people that he got it from his *noble selfless work at the hospital* for his medical/nursing degree/internship/whatever. And it was just like. A guy who really should've known better as a Frontline worker. Decided to go to a nightclub in 2021. In FLORIDA. Lmao. (To the like. One or two of my high school friends still on tumblr that also I know lurks and looks at this weird side ramble blog (looking at you you shigaraki simp!! You know who you are >:]]]]] ) if you're thinking it was our classmate who played hockey. Yes. It was that guy. Maybe you already knew this silly gossip from our small town grapevine or high school facebook reunion page or whatever idk how ppl still talk to former high school classmates or whatever but anyways. Lol)
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