#but i'm now worried that because A. i'm not really a realism person and B. this year Sucked i won't get the college credit

[ashes-writing]

Is there any chance you can do a fluff Shane Walsh alphabet now so we have the set? Pleeease?

|| taglist, babes + req rules / fandoms&characters + send ?s + masterlist ||

I would absolutely love,love,love to do this and I'm here for matching sets, lets be real. It would've driven me nuts to not have both sides of the coin so thank you, thank you, thank you for sending me this!

warnings ;

I kind of delved into Shane's upbringing here and there so tw for shitty fathers / anger issues / drinking and hints of emotional abuse at the hands of a parent. It is v.v vague though, so hopefully, nobody's put off.

taglist ;

@beardedbarba @chieflawyerpastatoad @hotgirlsshareaccounts @krys-orion @icequeen1371 @moonileo are the only people on my Walking Dead masterlist. If you want to be added, pls click the link up top or let me know.

{ graphic by me with help from pinterest + google images. jsyk. }

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

--- Shane is very affectionate, however... He's been through a lot in his life so it takes a while -a really long while, for that affection to show itself in more obvious ways. He sticks to smaller gestures. Maybe fond teasing, checking on a person to make sure they're doing the bare minimal to take care of themselves, lingering hugs and forehead kisses, ahhh.. Always has his arm around you when he's really starting to open up, that's one of the first tells.

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

--- Protective but with a side of realism. He will protect his best friends with his life. He'll help them out any way he can, but.. If you want a yes-man and not the blunt and honest truth, it's not advised to befriend this man, because if you're being fucking stupid, he's going to tell you that you're being fucking stupid and he won't mince words or be gentle about it either. He's also v. argumentative, stubborn and a bit of a practical joker. The argumentative and stubborn parts are the ones you need to know about the most, however. Because he'll argue with a goddamn brick wall if you let him. A friendship with him probably started from a rivalry, tbh. I feel like he's made a lot of friends this way, he has to test a person through and through first.

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

--- Shane loves to cuddle. He'd rather die than admit it -toxic masculinity victim right here, writer feels as if his father drilled all sorts of toxic shit into his head like it's not manly to cry or cuddle or talk feelings, etc and this was a huge factor in the dark turn he took, but anyway... He loves to cuddle and when you finally get him used to being allowed to do it / ask for it whenever he wants it, I feel like it'll look something like -> this or this, depending.

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

--- He does. He really does. He's all about that domestic life, the only problem here is, he's got the wrong mindset, hence the reason he has so much trouble actually finding a person worthy of it. He's a damn good cook, neatness and cleaning however... Not his strong suit. He's not messy chaos, he's just not overly tidy, either. As long as he can find something, he doesn't worry too much about it.

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

--- Whew.. Okay, so breaking up. If he's breaking up with you, he's reached the absolute end of the line, the rope and his patience. That or he's afraid he's losing you anyway and he's trying to avoid any extra pain. I feel like at first, he'd avoid them. But you can only avoid a person for so long, right? When the confrontation finally occurs, he'd be short and blunt and to the point. He'd listen to his partner, he'd try to talk things out, but if his mind is made up and he's already in the avoiding you stage, the latter isn't always going to happen. The quicker he can get through the pain of doing this, the better for him because this asshole does not handle emotional pain well, not at all, not even slightly.

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

--- He absolutely loves the idea of belonging to someone and having someone belong to him. He longs for it, I think this is a huge factor as to why he spiraled so far out of control and things for him turned to a shit show at the end. I feel like he'd probably hold off upwards of a year (in a normal setting) and he'd want to live with his partner a little bit first just to make damn sure you're going to be compatible. (in an apocalyptic setting) he'll move quicker because he just wants something of his own, he wants his person and he doesn't want to wait around so long that something horrible happens to him or to you.

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

--- hahahaha omg, okay. So this man is not gentle at all emotionally. He was probably raised by a v.v old school -read, drunken asshole, borderline abusive and emotionally stunted, father who drilled into his head that men don't do certain things at all and being gentle is one of those things. He will try to be gentle with the person he loves, however, but it's something he has to actively make an effort to do -though if he really loves someone, he doesn't mind doing it. Physically, -especially if you're smaller or he feels you're weaker and you need it, this man is the epitome of gentle to an extent. If he loves you and he cares at all, he's fucking treating you with kid gloves. The only exception to this is when he's angered. If he's angered though, and he really cares and he doesn't feel desperate or backed to a corner, he'll still do everything in his power to keep treating you gentle.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

--- He likes them but.. only if he really knows the person in question. He's not the kind of man who likes strangers touching him for no goddamn reason. He'll hug those he cares about a lot. I mean, a lot. Because it's his way to tell them how he feels. His hugs are tight and engulfing, he'll melt into you or let you melt into him, and his hands are all over you. They linger for what feels like an eternity too.

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

--- It takes him a while. Sometimes this tends to frustrate his lovers/partners. But he's gotta be sure he feels some kind of way and you feel that way back. he doesn't like empty words or gestures.

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

--- He has such a huge jealous streak, holy shit. He lingers, his hands are all over you, he's shooting the other person dirty looks til they feel like they need to fuck off like five minutes ago. He'll fight in a heartbeat if he feels like the other person is trying to threaten or harm you.

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

--- Ugh oh my god. So he likes to grab your jawline or your face and rest his hands on either side of it (or the column of your neck) and just really get in there, y'know? All this and he's got you as close as he can get you to him. He bites and sucks your lips til they might bruise. He will stray from there and leave a line of lil kisses and nips down your neck. His go to kissing places are the back of your shoulder, your neck, your lips, your forehead and the tip of your nose while he's holding both of your hands. He loves lip kisses. And shoulder kisses, god, if you kiss this man and lean against him from behind, he's fucking putty in your hands.

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

--- He's pretty good with kids. The baby-babies kind of freak him the fuck out though because they're so smalll and fragile and there's so much shit that can accidentally go wrong to hurt 'em. But the slightly older ones? Amazing, he's amazing with them.

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

--- considering he hates getting up early, it's spent cuddled into bed with him, a tangle of limbs and sheets. When you finally emerge from the bed blanket and body burrito cocoon you had going on, then the two of you cook breakfast together and you have to start this man a pot of black coffee otherwise, your hash browns are getting sugared and your pancake batter is salted.

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

--- Eating together, whether it be takeout or something one of you has cooked. Afterwards, you'll probably wind up cuddling on the couch to watch tv / talk or read. Then he's all about sharing a shower or bath, like.. it just feels so good to touch you, he loves touching this is his love language, fight me. Anyway, after this, you're cuddling in bed and maybe other bedtime activities (if those didn't happen on the couch in the tub/shower or on the damned kitchen counter oops rip). if you have kids together, he likes to cuddle with them and read/make up stories to tell them to put them to sleep.

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

--- He reveals everything about himself slowly. Very, very slowly. And it takes a while for him to get comfortable enough to do it, it's not a quick process at all and sometimes, holy shit, it can feel like pulling teeth.

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

--- Shane is not exactly known for his patience, we'll be honest. He tries to change for the people he cares about the most, but beyond that, he's a quick tempered son of a bitch most of the time.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

--- He remembers everything, even things you don't realize he remembers. Which is like.. It's something that'll blow you away when you realize this man is a huge fucking sap when it comes to the person he loves.

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

--- Probably something random like a really bad date or the time the Bronco ran out of gas on some backroad on a cold night and then the battery died so you had to cuddle in the backseat because we all know... body heat = warmth.

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

--- Really, really protective. Almost too protective. He's always nearby, especially in his apocalypse form, he's always watching, always teaching you how to defend yourself or shoot a weapon or build a fire, anything he can do to make sure you stay alive and you can defend yourself if by chance he happens not to be around. In normal settings, he's the guy who watches your drink when you make a bathroom run at the bar, he's the guy who will pick you up no matter what time it is if you're too drunk to drive, he's the guy who will threaten an ex who won't take the hint with a gun, he will fight for you, he will pretty much die for you if it means you live and you're safe. He wants the same in return but he's a pessimist, so he never expects to receive it.

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

--- He's middle of the road on this. But he always does / buys you something he knows you want and sometimes it's something you haven't even really mentioned to him to begin with, he's just picking up on little hints you've given silently and subtly, he's that observant. Everyday tasks he's a little more laid back unless it's something to do with his Mossberg, his home or his Bronco. Because he enjoys working with his hands and outdoor sports.

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

--- Jealousy, I mean that one is obvious. Over reacting and losing his temper over something too easily when he's had a bad day. Fighting / brawling, Saying harsh things -that half the time he doesn't really mean, in the heat of the moment.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

--- He's not really into the whole looks thing. Man doesn't really care to take the time to be 'pretty' he just kind of is.

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

--- Depends on how much you mean to him, to be honest.

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

--- I'm just going to say it now. I firmly feel that his father was probably a drunk, burnt out football player who wanted to make the big time but an injury stopped him. He drilled very toxic shit into Shane's head from a young age and when Shane suffered an injury that ended his own football/baseball career, his father was the first one to point out how worthless he was. And this only grew worse when he became a cop with Rick. Shane's father was probably a habitual flyer down at the drunk tank / general lockup, I feel like the man was just.. Not a good one. I feel like his mother died when Shane was a bit younger, so it was just the two men. I feel like he and Rick became friends in high school and Rick's family sort of adopted him.

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

--- He hates when someone won't meet him halfway in terms of effort made. Lying pisses him off. He really doesn't like being in a position where he has to lie either.

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habits of theirs?)

---Sleeps bare ass naked.

#shane walsh #shane walsh imagine #shane walsh headcanons #shane walsh x reader #shane walsh x fem!reader #shane walsh fanfic

[monkey-network]

Good Stuff: ENTERGALACTIC

or How to Stop Worrying & Make the Vibe Count

I always confuse Kid Cudi and Kid Fury from The Read podcast like on god, people need to get more crazy with stage names. This year marks rapper Kid Cudi's 8th studio album Entergalactic and he decided to produce a whole movie centered around it; something Gorillaz somehow hasn't done yet which baffles me. It was intended as a series, but they were smart enough to just compile all the chapters into a film which definitely worked. With that said, and the fact that upfront this looks beautiful, was this just a poor excuse to hustle a soundtrack? Well, if I know anything about the hustle,

Cudi spared no expense because this felt phenomenal

Initial visuals, designs and movement really showed that they were going for the style of Into the Spider-verse and they undoubtedly succeeded. Said this before, if Spider-verse was the gold medal, this is the victory lap and I'm so glad more features are really pushing against the whole realism era before to make the look and flow feel "less real" but more alive creatively. It still takes some getting used when the characters look like they're buffering with the frame rate, but when they flex it really pops off. There are even surprises within this film that I dare not spoil. Visuals alone, I seriously recommend watching this as High-Def as possible. If this was just a 90 minute music video, I would still watch it.

You can tell the artists got to pop off however possible

As you should know though, visuals aren't everything in film, so is there a story? Well, people keep saying this is When Harry Met Sally for black people but I never watched that movie. I just know that it's a simple romance about two stoner artists that fall in love and wonder if it's meant to be. When I say simple, I mean it because this is admittedly safe and predictable. Not bad, but I'm not a fan of the 2nd act monkeywrench that happens, especially when you can see it coming and I feel more focus could've been on our couple balancing love and careers as opposed to abruptly killing the vibe with asinine drama. And that's what this film is: such a Vibe. Everyone is mature, chill in discussing their matters, and even when problems arise, they don't make it such a big deal. The loudest things get is in the first third when our MCs are partying hard to celebrate their newfound successes. Otherwise, the film is all for a soft, intimate, relaxed tone that matches Cudi's R&B. What matters most is that you see what our MCs Jabari and Meadow of the movie see in each other and in the well-characterized New York they live in, and I can't hate this effective love story that personally resonated to me as a Black American.

Everything felt unified in making this feel beautiful

Now, word from the bathroom is that Kid Cudi is looking to (semi-)retire from music after Entergalactic to invest in projects like this film. Given what I've heard before, this year, I wouldn't exactly blame him. I would gladly see more styled features from this dude, this movie proved he can work out more than just music. I don't just want more stylized animations, I want more diverse talent flexing in more than just essentialist themes. Again, this isn't complex plotwise but the music, animation, and characterization make this matter more than I expected. If Netflix and Cudi are looking to make more of this, I'm all for it.

4 Out Of 5; A Cosmically Chill & Stoner Spirited Movie

#Entergalactic #entergalactic netflix #Kid Cudi #netflix #animation #movies #reviews #Good Stuff

[dzpenumbra]

6/27/23

Alright, let's dive into this head-first. I'm having a bit of a meltdown.

I streamed tonight. I did some work on my abstract piece, about an hour. Then I ate dinner and watched skate videos on-stream, then played Session. A guy I didn't recognize came in. He said he found me through another stream like a year and a half ago and really liked my art and wanted to support me.

He DM'd me and we chatted after. And I've been in full panic-mode since. Because this guy legitimately wants a tattoo design commission. And I'm over here like... bro, I haven't done a commission in like... 7 years? At least?

He tuned into my stream when I was drawing the owl that is my profile picture on here. I drew that on stream in colored pencil, it took me over 40 hours. He wanted that piece on the back of his shoulder.

I'm gonna level here. I don't know how to price my shit. I am absolutely lousy at it. I always have been. And I have always underpriced my shit, and the vast majority of my work has just been given away for free. Because I have really low self esteem and cave under pressure way too easily... and just get super anxious. It's overwhelming. And I just, the whole fucking process is horrible for me. I hate talking money. I don't even like talking about bills that I'm getting. Just money as a fucking concept is just really fucking uncomfortable for me. Obviously not a great problem to have in fucking America, yeah?

I scrambled and... tried to find a scan of the owl, so I could just... give him a scanned copy? And then charge less. I don't know, I have an idea how to charge for hand-drawn shit. Originals. Art. I can price things that are already done. But like... prints? Scans? I don't know. And this is a tattoo, it would be weird if someone bought the original piece and this guy has a tattoo of it. I don't know. It just all feels weird all around.

I've gotten really settled in to this place of just worrying about making things. Just keep creating, just keeping making new and interesting things. This whole sales piece is absolutely nerve-racking and immobilizing. And I feel like it immediately makes me look unprofessional.

So... I did the math on the piece... 40+ hours rounding down, at $25 an hour... that's $1000 as a base... Hand-drawn original, realism, full size. I priced it to him as $1500. I'd let the original go for that, I guess. I still have the original, it's sitting in my portfolio.

So I just told him that as a reference point, so he knew what he was getting into. And he came back with some corrections. Reduced size, black and white, less detail. He wanted 7"x5", a Barn Owl, B+W and I guess a bit stylized (i.e. less photorealistic detail). So... I quoted him $350. And he came back with $300. On the premise that he's going to have to pay the tattooist 300-350 as well, plus a tip.

Quick tangent here. Really think this one over. Who do you pay more? The original artist of your tattoo, or the person tracing their work into your skin? I mean... you don't want the tattooist to fuck it up, sure... But like... are you saying the act of tattooing someone else's work is worth more than the act of creating the art in the first place? And... you don't have to tip me? I hadn't really thought about it much before, it's a weird thing. Especially since I've designed several tattoos for former friends, and they went to an artist who fucked up my work. In the end, the buyer was the one who got fucked, but yeah. It just kinda sucks.

Anyway. I'm afraid I might've lowballed myself there. And then he brought me even lower. And now I'm just like... well... it better be right. Because now we're agreed. And now I have to do a commission.

It's not the end of the world, I'm just freaking out. I don't want to fuck it up. I don't know what medium to use, I don't know whether to do digital or pencil. If I do pencil, how do I get it to him? Do I mail it? How do I process payments? PayPal? I guess? Do I keep records of this shit?

I feel way out of my depth. And I feel like I have to act like I know what I'm doing. Which I tried to do, I think it worked well enough. I just feel like I'm going to fuck this up. And the hardest part? I don't have anyone to talk to about it. At all. No one to run prices by for second thoughts, no one to help me research stuff, no one to reassure or ground me. I'm just swimming in the anxiety and self-doubt and depression, barely keeping my head above water.

I hate this. I should be excited. I should be happy. And it's one fucking commission. This will cover like... two orders of groceries. And will likely take me a full week of work.

I don't like this way of working. I like coming up with my own ideas and putting the pieces together. I don't like trying to guess what someone else is picturing, and trying to get close.

This is all very foreign. Very weird.

The weirdest part? In an alternate timeline, this is what I would've been doing full-time for 10 years now. Plus the actual tattooing too. Getting out of college, my first idea was to start a company that I tentatively named "Evo Customs" which was a design company that would put customized art on anything. Skateboard, helmet, shirt, computer tower, you name it. Then I transitioned into pursuing tattooing. I was heavily encouraged by my friend, and we spoke to my then tattooist about it. She was a one-woman operation working out of a pretty small town. She pointed me in the direction of the program that she went to, and offered for me to finish up my skin-time hours with her, and she'd sign off on an apprenticeship and I'd be good to go either work with her or open up my own shop. Welp... I went and did the program, and I came back, and I went to her... and she said "what are you talking about?" And then she hired some teenager to work her register and apprentice under her instead. And I was absolutely crushed, devastated.

All of my tattoo designs - the one I did for my friend's ex-wife (for free), the one I did for my former best friend (for free), the one I did for my former best friend's husband (for free). Even four of my own tattoos which were all self-designed, she inked them all. And she just walked the other way and acted like it never happened.

I was never able to find another artist who would take me on. I just transitioned into tattoo design instead. I had all my tattoo equipment in boxes for years. Inks, cups, ointments, bands, needles, my machines, stencils, all of it. Last year, I threw it all away. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I felt like I just gave the fuck up. But, I think I gave up long before that. And this was just... cleaning house. Stopping myself from clinging.

When I went to vocational rehabilitation in winter 2019, right before the pandemic hit, I mentioned my past aspirations of being a tattooist to the person who was working with me. They urged me to go to a shop about 40 minutes south of me. They had a connection there. I really struggle to just... interact with strangers in a professional setting. Which is pretty clear right here tonight, I get super insecure and super anxious. I act confident, I'm sure it doesn't read as though I'm anxious, but I'm fucking losing it inside. So... it's really hard for me to do. I can't really explain it, it just is and no matter how much I try to puff out my chest and "be a man" and just ignore it or whatever, it just tears me apart. So, because of that, I really just needed a professional connection. And this was supposed to be it. This was the first one I had gotten, an in. Someone to vouch for me.

They set up an appointment with me in the middle of winter at fucking like 8 AM. So I get there early, and I'm sitting in the parking lot for like 20 minutes freezing my balls off drinking coffee. Then I go inside and they have me sit in the waiting room. And I flip through their art books and they had some pretty cool shit, but I was just trying not to completely freak out. And then the guy brings me back and I introduce myself and then pull out my phone and start showing him some pictures and he just has no fucking idea what's going on. At all. He was just like "okay, so which of these pieces did you want done?" He scheduled the fucking meeting and he thought I was there for a tattoo, not a fucking job interview. I don't know if the fucking state agency that set that up dropped the ball or if it was that guy... but I got a nice talk from this dude on how he trusted someone to be an apprentice once and he "learned that fucking lesson" because the guy went and set up his own shop... like an hour away... in a different county... and he saw it as "competing with him". And he didn't want to "train his competition". In fact, his entire shop was... him, his wife, his daughter and her boyfriend or fiancée. And that was it. So... I went there for fucking nothing. And that whimper was the death of my tattoo career ambitions. I completely tapped out after that. And last year, when I had to move and sort through all my shit? I finally tossed my tattoo gear. All of it. For good. The only thing that survived was my Kuro Sumi outlining ink, which I used for the goat skull and staining the wooden beads on my necklace. That's why it's such a powerfully symbolic medium for me, because of how much gravity in my personal life is attached to it.

Can you tell this commission is making me flash back to some really devastating memories? I'm trembling a bit and my chest is a bit tight.

It really hurt to lose that purpose, that direction. Even more so that... I just sorta let this social anxiety barrier stop me from approaching other shops. I fucking hate this emotional brick wall that stops me from going. I hate it so much. Like seriously, if one friend went with me? To a local tattoo shop, or something. I would gladly go. But alone, I am way too timid, way too passive, too chill, too back-seat. My interest in working at their shop wouldn't even come up in conversation unless they brought it up. I'd have to like... become a regular. The awkwardness of it just makes my skin crawl.

And what upsets me the most is that some people love doing that. And they won't help me. It's so aggravating. Like... this is clearly one of my greatest weaknesses that has completely crippled my ability to establish myself as a professional artist, and it clearly stems from mental health stuff... and I can't get a single living organism to help me do it. I just need to... wait... and slowly chip away at my mental health barriers... until I can do it myself. It might take a year, it might take 10 years, however long it takes to gradually get to the point where I can comfortably interact like a human. And meanwhile, I'm surrounded by others who can easily, intuitively do this. And could easily help me out, and vouch for me in the process. But they don't. Because "I should be doing it for myself".

Can you tell I'm a bit upset about this? XD

There's nothing more frustrating to me than having a small nuanced problem... that's hard to articulate to others, that they don't seem to really understand because they don't share that problem. For instance - having a trauma response associated with going grocery shopping pre-food-delivery-apps. People who don't suffer from this have no fucking idea how massive of a difference just going along with that person to the store can be. And it costs like... nothing. But I've always heard shit like "can't you just do that yourself" "why do I need to do that for you?" Shit like that. Like I'm just fucking lazy. Not like it takes me 45 minutes to pep talk myself into going out there, then I'm wading through a lava river of emotional overwhelm and every bell in my head that says "your life is in danger and we don't even know what from" is clanging. And I'm alone through it. And I have to fake a fucking cheery conversation with the fucking checkout lady.

Since those days (that was probably... close to 10 years ago when I had that grocery store problem, I've gotten much better with it over the past several years) I have developed experience and a "script" for those kinds of interactions. I learned. It took me a long time, lots of practice, lots of exposure, but I got there. This one? The work one? Negative. I have very little experience, and all of it has been bad. And honestly...

I'm just getting really sick and tired of having to be good at everything and do everything myself.

I had this butting of heads with my therapist before. "What's the point of a social network if I'm going to have to do all this myself anyway?" Like... all I've looked for in life is a wingman, someone to vouch and make introductions, to help in literally any way. So I don't have to go around and method act being a fucking extrovert. I have been in extreme isolation for over 4 years. I am not good at pretending to be an extrovert. I should not be expected to be good at extroverted behaviors, I have no idea why anyone would expect me, of all people, to be in any way good at that. It should be expected that those encounters would be extremely overwhelming for me.

Who the fuck am I ranting at? XD I don't even know anymore. I'm just sorta shaking my fist at the sky pissed off that I don't have anyone to like... brainstorm this stuff with. Run price quotes by, shit like that. I don't know.

And I guess I'm just kinda upset because... I don't really want to do commissions. I kinda just want people to be supporting what I'm doing now. I worked pretty hard to develop the rhythm I have now, where I cultivate a mindset for creativity to form, then seize it when inspiration strikes and... I'm trying to incorporate streaming into the process. I finally, like... a year ago?... took the plunge and dedicated myself towards Fine Art. My intentions being... work that is displayed publicly. Private ownership feels... secondary, optional. I decided to move more towards trying to get stuff in galleries. Again... with some pieces.

Okay, you know what? Maybe I'm freaking out because I don't know. I don't know what I do. And I'm kinda having an existential crisis because of it. Over winter, I polished stones and made jewelry, and made a custom painted hoodie. Spring, I did The Path (a fine art video/digital art piece), the goat skull and about 10 abstract ink pieces. Now, I'm working on a mini Zen Garden and my Fractal digital abstract piece which will probably eventually be an ink and cloth tapestry.

Everything I have done, I'd have to brainstorm pricing individually. I have given it zero thought. The necklace and the mala I could come up with a decent price for, I guess. The hoodie, too, or a custom piece like it. Even the skull, or my abstract drawings. But I literally haven't even given it thought. I don't want to care about that. I wish all I had to do was just worry about the process. For the past decade, that's all I've known. And this is all very foreign and bewildering. I don't want to "screw it up".

So yeah. I went with 300, took the 50 under asking price. Don't really know why. I just did. And he sent me some reference. And I'll just figure that out tomorrow. The pose, the size, the medium, how to pay, all that. I'll just wake up after my night of what I'm sure will inevitably be night terrors at this point... XD Put on a pot of coffee and just... figure out what I'm doing.

I was saying today on stream - I want to get back into representational work. I want to do a piece that is of something. And I was considering doing the Blue Jay that visits me. I wish I could break through these intense overwhelming emotions and see the good in this.

This is such high praise. A person who has barely spent any time around my work... wants to pay me $300 because he fell in love with my work a year and a half ago and wants to get it tattooed on his body permanently. I think I'm in shock. And denial, a bit. I think my self esteem is so devastatingly low that... I don't fully believe it's happening? And I'm adding a shit-ton of pressure to make sure... I "get it right".

I'm scared. I'm scared I'm gonna fuck it up. The piece itself, or already fucked up by underpricing myself. I was going to ask for half up-front and then half when I finish. I think that's fair. Just so neither of us flake out on it. Once I get the details ironed out on exactly what he wants, but before pencil touching paper.

God, I hate business. Ugh. I just want to draw and create and make cool, interesting shit. And have people donate or something. Idk. I'm just not enjoying myself right now.

That said, I got my package today. Sheets that actually fit my "new" mattress, the sieves and a suncatcher that's like a multifaceted prism that catches sunlight and refracts rainbows around the room. I'm excited to see that in action now that the smoke has cleared a bit.

Man, I almost got away from the topic of freaking out. XD I'm scared of disappointing this guy. I'm scared of fucking up the drawing, or taking too long or something. I'm sure I won't... I'm just... I'm very anxious. So... to remedy this... I'll just not stream that piece. And apologize to him about that, but... yeah, fuck it, I can just say I've been dealing with a lot of anxiety lately and I feel like I'd do better work behind closed doors. I'm sure he'll understand. It's usually just the sketching phase that I feel like that with. When it's just starting to take form. Once I've got that down, I'd be fine with streaming the piece taking shape.

Anyway, enough of that. I need to wrap up. Besides this giant turn of events, my upstairs neighbors were being loud as shit. The boyfriend was back over again last night, they were really loud, then there was an actual child visiting and running all over the apartment, and they were talking really loud. All evening. Until like 10. And that's just what it is. I was cranky about it. I wish I could be happier for other people. Maybe that's why I crave the late late hours. It's so quiet, so peaceful, so still.

I also shaved my head and my beard today. Buzzed, gone. Fuck it. The only reason I grew it out was because the doctor told me the clippers were giving me micro-abrasions and those were getting infected, but... we ruled that out. And he has no idea what this is. So I decided to just go back to shaving my head. It makes me a bit more insecure to have these big fucking weird pimple-like swollen red spots on my head, and have them super visible because my head is shaved... but what the fuck am I supposed to do? I can't even get in to see a doctor about it, no one knows what this is. I did an antibiotic regimen, it did nothing. I do steroid cream, it makes them fade quicker, but they just come right back in different spots. I'm just waiting on a specialist. So, I might as well be comfortable in the process. And the cream is easier to put on when my head is shaved, so... there's that. Going on 2 years of dealing with this shit, I'm gonna be so much less anxious once these things are gone.

Okay, I'm going to do tarot and go to bed, it's super late.

Past - Two of Wands, inverted (Planning, scrutiny, taking risks and moving a plan forward.  The active force needed to put a plan into motion.) Present - Four of Wands (Stability, a sense of completion.  A major milestone, taking a moment to reflect on accomplishment so far, before moving to a new future.) Future - Three of Cups (Celebration, calling in good fortune, joy.  Social gathering, a heartfelt belonging in a community.)

Alright, we're starting with inverted Two of Wands. I actually pulled some cards when I was setting up my webcam earlier today and Two of Wands came up. That was my first reaction. It was inverted then too. Two of Wands is planning, surveying the landscape. Inversion representing a blockage, barrier or dissonance around this symbol. Difficulty or struggle planning or seeing ahead. Hmm...

This is connected to Four of Wands in the Present position. And it made me smile. Four of Wands is a milestone, a memorable event and the ensuing celebration. The image this artist provides is a birthday party. Fitting, that's what I should be doing now...

And this concludes with Three of Cups. Upright, for once. Fucking rare in my readings! (At least it feels that way, definitely rare in my life...) Three of Cups is the "party card", it's a celebration shared with loved ones. It's the card I immediately thought of when I saw Four of Wands, because I was like "I could call this the 'celebration card', but I already have the 'party card'."

Okay, with the definitions all added in... let's stitch it all together. So... I've been struggling to take risks and move shit forward... but I've landed here. Somehow. And this is actually a milestone. A pretty big one. And this will lead to a celebration, one shared with others.

I'm going to add this on while I'm here. When that guy came into my chat, complimenting me and being super friendly and nice? I thought he was fucking with me. I thought he was full of shit, or like... scheming something. He mentioned a streamer's name "buddha" who I... I have like... never been in their room. It was there like... maybe once or twice? Years ago. And this guy said he knew me from that chat... and came to see my art... and fell in love... and a year and a half later he wants to commission me to get my art. When I have like zero fucking viewers. It was really hard to believe. I felt like I was getting conned or scammed, like he was setting me up for something. I feel bad that I was a bit harsh and skeptical of him. Just getting that out there.

The bonus placeholder card was inverted Two of Cups, a new one. That one is a strong connection forming, but... with the disruption of inversion. So... that's a thing.

I'm fucking wiped. Physically, emotionally. Super drained. Heavy workout, giant anxiety/depression/trauma episodes for two hours straight. I'm just bushed. I'm gonna go pass out, hopefully sleep decent and figure all of this out tomorrow over coffee.

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of thoughts #stream of consciousness

[mars-ipan]

we were talking abt submitting ap exam stuff this in art class and i got hit with. the Strongest wave of imposter syndrome. so i don’t feel the best rn

#marzivents #teacher was talking abt how we need to make sure our sketchbooks have good work in them #and how we need at least a couple good sketches mixed in with the rough ones #and like. this year's been garbage for my mental health right #so my work isn't the best i've done #plus i'm in drawing so i have to try to do a little realism #but i'm much more suited for stylized work which is. far from realistic #so i end up feeling out of place and like i'm not as good of an artist as my classmates #and it just. feels bad man. i just wanted to save 2d for later bc like. i love 2d i enjoy using the elements of art in creative ways a lot #but i'm now worried that because A. i'm not really a realism person and B. this year Sucked i won't get the college credit #bc my art won't be good enough for it and i just. i'm feeling invalid ig #blegh. perfectionism sucks this shit's so tough to overcome #i gotta give myself a break. i got into this class for a reason. my friends think i'm good at art and i trust their judgement #my teacher believes in me. i'll be okay. she's only here to help #and if i cry in front of her? it's okay. she's an art teacher for crying out loud i doubt i'd be the first #besides. plenty of people don't get into art until their twenties #just because i'm surrounded by kids who have been seriously pursuing art since grade school doesn't mean i'm behind #i'm technically ahead of the course considering i may earn college credit #i'm okay. or i will be. even if everything goes wrong i'll be okay

[beautifulletdownfics]

Twenty Good Reasons :: Part Fourteen

Read Earlier Chapters Here My Masterlist

++ 

Part Fourteen, This Is Family

The following morning was like a balloon slowly deflating.

I woke up dozens of times during the night. Nurses would come and go, a night doctor came to check on Laykn a few times, and every time Harry moved underneath me, it tugged me back to the room. It felt like waiting for a flight, there was this restless stillness in feeling like something was coming, and I needed to be ready for this to be the time I woke up to it.

There was a sense that morning would come, and Laykn's doctors would waltz back in and have answers.

What really happened was that my parents returned from their hotel just after seven a.m. and when Laykn's doctor came back to see us, he wanted to wait until the late afternoon before changing anything. I flicked between watching Dr Davies as he spoke and looking to Harry from where he was standing in the far corner to me, giving up his seat so each of my parents could have one. He frowned through the news but gave nods of understanding where he seemed to agree with what was being presented to him.

But I wanted to know now. I wanted Laykn to wake up now.

I felt we had already waited entirely long enough.

"Has he gotten better overnight?" I asked carefully, but I could taste the impatience in the words, right on my tongue, "I just—Is he, I mean …"

Dr Davies gave me a look that said he really couldn't hypothesise, "Looking at the monitoring from overnight, he's definitely not gotten any worse which is sometimes the best news you can have at this stage. We're not seeing any of the things we worry about—a spike in temperature, further bleeding, swelling—so, so far Laykn's doing well. He's doing okay for now. I know it seems like nothing, but I promise you it's not. We'll review and talk again in another six hours, but we'll know even more in twelve. That's when I'd be thinking we'll start to see a shift and be able to talk about trying to wake him up for you."

"Twelve hours," I repeated aloud, mainly for myself. Harry gave me a small but infinitely reassuring nod, "Okay."

"In the meantime, stay with Laykn by all means, but Nina and Harry," he looked between us both, "You should go back to wherever you are staying and freshen up, have a nap, eat something. Laykn's going to need you all as he comes through this, and you're useless if you're not looking after yourselves. And each other."

"Thank you," my mum said for us all as Dr Davies left the room. She turned to Harry and I, "He's right. You came straight off the plane here, you haven't even checked in—oh, is that going to be a problem with your hotel?"

"It's fine," Harry pacified, "I let them know we wouldn't arrive until today."

"A shower and a nap," my mum reached for my arm as Harry started collecting our belongings, "You'll feel a thousand times better, trust me."

I thought about telling her I didn't know that I could feel any better, much less a thousand times so, but instead, I pulled her in for a long hug. I took the handle of my small, carry-on suitcase from Harry as he gave my parents both a hug as well.

"You'll be a new man too, Harry," The warmth in my dad's voice was evident, "Can't imagine you can feel any of your limbs right now after a night of Nina sleeping on you?"

"She's pretty comfortable, actually," Harry returned with a smile, "We'll call you from the hotel. Was there any problem with yours?" He asked as an afterthought, frown settled back on his forehead, "I can—

—Ours was perfect," my mum confirmed, giving Harry an appreciative smile. Something warm chinked together in my chest at Harry's care for my family, "Go now, both of you need showers and something substantial to eat. And you should call your family, Harry. We spoke to everyone at home last night."

++

In the hotel bathroom, Harry stayed under the spray of the water much longer than me.

I stood in front of the mirror carelessly towel drying my hair, wearing the pyjama set Harry packed for me. The steam from the shower and the smell of hotel soap had the whole bathroom giving off the perpetuating clean, warm feeling I enjoyed most.

Neither of us was speaking, and there was no song being hummed under Harry's breath as he stood behind the thin glass pane. When he eventually got out and stood behind me to dry off, he was frowning tersely, as if deep in some thought he couldn't get a hold of properly. I gave him a slight smile and tried to ask the question with my eyes: are you alright? While we ate, Harry called his mum and told her what was going on, and listening in on that conversation added another layer of realism to this whole thing. As if he read my mind, Harry's neck turned away from our reflections, and he gave me a concerned look.

"Your mum is right. You hadn't had a meal since we left London," his hand thoughtlessly gestured out from where we are in the direction of the suite where we'd just finished a couple of plates of room service, "We're going to have to take some food back with us if we're going to spend long hours at the hospital."

I was suddenly too tired to have the conversation I knew needed to happen, "I know," I agreed readily, part of the hollow feeling I'd had for the last twenty-four hours now filled with food, "But right now I swear all I want is to lie flat. Can we nap and then make a game plan?"

Harry paused, if only for a moment, "Yeah, we can."

"We both look like zombies."

Ten minutes later, under the perfectly crisp hotel sheets, Harry rolled over on his side to face me, "This doesn't feel like it's really happening, does it? I don't even know what day it is anymore and it's only been one day."

I hooked my knee up onto his thigh and pressed my forehead against his shoulder, "It doesn't feel like Laykn's even there, does it?" I whispered, "Like, without him being awake, it's like … I don't know."

"We should figure out where he was staying, go get his stuff," Harry said, "His passport and all that."

There was silence then for a few moments then, all I could hear was Harry's breathing and the soft hum of the city outside the hotel room. The sheer volume of thoughts and feelings I'd had in the last twenty-four hours was overwhelming, and as I took in a slow breath, the smell of Harry's clean skin was a final straw.

He heard me sniffle and pulled his arm out from between us to wrap it around my body, "I know," was all he said, which was somehow the perfect thing for him to say.

I cried against his shoulder until the release of it had simmered down all the conflicting emotions rising up in me. Eventually, it was just both our steady breathing, and the only way I knew Harry wasn't asleep was from watching his eyelashes blinking on his profile, lit slightly from a crack in the curtains. His fingers had stilled on my skin, and there was no sound from him. Just blinking. Just staring at the ceiling.

"What are you thinking about?" I whispered.

"The baby," Harry replied easily. "And Laykn. And how quickly life can change without you realising it's going to. No warning for either, you know?"

I smiled minutely, "Well, we had a little warning with the baby. Just didn't know it was a warning, did we?"

Harry's hand fanned out on the top of my back, "That's true. I'm just—I'm glad that in both those things, in both these things, I've got you. I'm so grateful for …" his voice strained. Harry squeezed my shoulder to his side, "For you, and for us being solid but mainly I'm grateful you told me to pull my finger out a few months ago because boy I don't know if that douchebag could've handled this shock to the system. Not well, anyway."

"I'm grateful for you as well," I pressed a kiss to his shoulder.

"I think we should call your doctor in the morning," Harry said quickly, as though it had been right on the tip of his tongue to say, "Tell her what's happened and find out what we should do or even if there's anything we can do."

"You're worried, huh?"

"Yes," he turned his head towards mine, "I'm worried. I'm worried about everything. But I can't do anything about your brother, and I can't make your parents feel any better, and I can't quell your fears either, I can make sure we look after you right now."

"Are you worried about the tour as well?" I said quietly, sure it would be on the list somewhere.

"I'm really not," Harry rolled completely on his side, "I don't give a shit about it, I can do a tour whenever. The only thing I'm—I don't like that postponing dates will …"

"People are going to talk about it," I finished for him.

"Yeah," Harry sighed, "Dan sent through the statement earlier, do you want to read it?"

He was already reaching behind for his phone on the bedside table. The room lit up as Harry unlocked his work phone and held the screen between us, flicking through until he found the Mail app and opened it.

-

From: Dan B.

To: Harry Private

Subject: RE Statement, Clean

Mate, we can make any changes you like x

It is with deep regret we announce the indefinite postponement of the final leg of Harry's tour following a family emergency. At this stage, we do not know when the dates will proceed. We know this news is upsetting and will come as a shock to you all. We ask that you respect Harry's privacy at this time, and the privacy of his loved ones. Full Stop Management, on behalf of Harry Styles.

Will be posted as white text on black background on all channels. Comments disabled where they can be.

Awaiting your approval.

Love to you all, DB

-

We didn't say anything, and I knew Harry was waiting for me to speak first. It was straightforward and clinical, which was often the way with the communication out from Harry's team. This felt different, though, because it was talking about something deeply personal, without talking about it at all. I knew the layer of distance was protection. Harry was very deliberate in putting there.

"I think that's what you have to say, right? Is there anything else you'd like to include?"

Harry shook his head, "No."

"You didn't want it to come from you?"

Harry shook his head, "No, I only wanted eyes on it, I'm turning off my work phone after this. Dan can reach me if he needs to. Otherwise, I'm not working right now. I want this handled professionally, not personally."

"Okay," I wouldn't have minded if he'd felt the opposite, but wasn't surprised to hear him say it. "Well, I think you give them the okay then turn it off."

I watched him type out a quick response and do just that. He didn't hesitate or second guess it, just sent off his approval and that was that. The screen went black a few moments later, plunging the room back into darkness and I wondered if Harry was thinking about the fallout. What the next step he wasn't going to be involved in would mean. I wrapped my fingers around Harry's wrist and brought it to my mouth, kissing the warm skin there and then holding it to my lips.

"I'm not worried about it, Nina," he said eventually, turning his head to the side once more and finding my temple with his mouth, kissing me, "Just want Layk to be alright."

++

I woke up four hours later to Harry's phone ringing.

"Shit, sorry," he jogged into the bedroom and ripped if from where it was charging, "It's your mum."

I sat up in the sheets straight away, the initial shock of waking to the noise increasing tenfold by who was on the phone. Harry had it answered and on speakerphone almost instantly.

"Hi Mae," he said, lowering himself down to sit on his side of the bed.

"Hello, love, we just tried Nina's phone—"

"—I was asleep, I'm here, is he okay?" I cut over her speaking, staring at Harry's face in front of me.

I could hear movement behind her in the speaker, "Yes, yes, yes," she reassured us, I watched Harry let out half the breath he was holding, "The doctors have just been in, and they've made the adjustments that will wake him up. They think it'll still be another few hours—"

—We'll be there within the hour," Harry told her nodding despite my mum not being able to see it.

"Hopefully before that," I added quickly.

After getting off the phone with my mum, Harry and I sat still for half a beat before I realised I'd been clutching the bedsheets too tightly. My white knuckles released the material slowly and rubbed my palms down my face.

"Have another shower," Harry suggested, still watching me, "Wake up properly. I'll order some room service we can pack and take with us."

"Did you sleep at all?" I asked as he stood up and started walking out of the room, I pushed back the covers and rose to my knees.

"Yeah, I got up about half an hour ago to check in with mum and for a stretch, got some kinks in my back from the flight and—

—And me sleeping on you?"

He scrunched his nose up at me, "Maybe a little bit, now go," Harry nodded towards the bathroom door.

The shower helped with the fuzzy shock still hanging in my skull like a cloud. Eventually, the reality of the call with my mum set in and urgency set in. I shut off the water and got out, feeling something close to optimistic hope bloom. As I dried off and found fresh clothes to put on, I could hear Harry moving around the room. By the time I was coming out of the bedroom looking for the shoes I'd deserted when we had arrived earlier, he had a few brown paper bags and pieces of fruit sitting on the hotel dining table ready to take with us.

"Can you see my sneakers?" I asked him vaguely, hopping over his open suitcase that somehow hadn't made it into the bedroom.

He looked up from his seat, "At the door."

I hopped on one foot when I returned to the living area where Harry was, and, eventually, I dropped down onto the sofa beside him to slip on my shoes. Just as I was about to ask Harry if he was ready to go, his phone rang out loudly again.

"Richard?" He said quickly as soon as he answered, Harry, held his phone vertically out between us. "We're just about to leave the room."

"Oh good!" My dad's voice rang out, happy and lighter than it felt I'd heard in days.

Had it really still only been a day?

"Lakyn's awake!"

"What?" I exhaled, "Mum said it would take hours."

"That's brilliant," Harry said after me, a surprised grin on his face, "How is he?"

"Talking to your mum in the room now," dad continued, "He's groggy and a little disoriented, but he's awake."

The tears burst out of me immediately, loud, ugly tears that didn't arrive quietly, "Dad."

"I imagine he'll be asleep again by the time you get here," he told us, "But we told him you're here. He gave us a dopey smile."

"We're coming right now," Harry promised urgently. "Just as soon as Nina can manage to get her second shoe on."

My thumb kept slipping, and my heel would land outside the shoe again, I swatted Harry's shin at his teasing.

"It's because she doesn't undo the laces. And get her to stop crying," dad laughed, "You know how her brother hates any grand show of emotions."

"Shut up," I sniffled to them both, relief flooding through me in waves I couldn't quite believe. I violently shoved my foot into the sneaker one last time and wriggled it until it slipped in properly, "Ah! It's on. We're on our way, dad."

Harry deposited his phone into the pocket of the short sleeve, button-up shirt he was wearing. When I met his eyes, we were both smiling.

Harry shook his head and laughed, "Your fucking brother."

"He's awake!" I squeaked, crawling over Harry's lap and crossing my arms behind his neck. His hands settled on my waist, warm and steady, I planted a firm kiss on his lips, "I love you."

He smiled against me, "I love you too. Let's go."

++

Laykn slept for nearly six hours.

It was nearly 2pm by the time we got to the hospital, and when we arrived, my parents were sitting on either side of my brother, each with a book opened on their laps. A stark contrast to having sat watching him for any sign of movement for almost the entire twenty-four hours previous. There was a new calmness to the room, it felt less like an emergency situation somehow.

"Hi," Harry said behind me as we walked in and interrupted them.

My mum was up and hugging us both hardly a moment later. Harry and I got the recap on Laykn, and what his doctors were saying now he had woken up and fallen asleep. While we were talking, Harry slipped out, and it wasn't until he returned with four take away cups of tea I realised where he disappeared to.

And so then we waited.

Harry and my dad found a deck of cards and worked their way through all the games they knew between them. For a while, I sat to moderate and score. My mum sat at Laykn's side with her book, and about three hours in I pulled out Harry's laptop to try to get a few bars of symphony down. I gave up after another hour or so, his software wasn't up to date, and I couldn't remember the section I wanted to work on. Where momentary relief had cured my mind for most things, it still wasn't in work mode. I could hear the game of Snap starting to get nasty, Harry with his bottom lip between his teeth in concentration while my dad completely crushed him each round. I interfered before the name-calling could get particularly nasty, plonking myself down on Harry's lap and declaring my hunger to the room.

"I'd have beaten you that time," Harry insisted, dropping his cards on the table, "Nina broke my focus."

My dad rolled his eyes, "Sure you would've, son."

"Harry's got sandwiches," I announced, "One of them has mustard in, I had a sneaky peek as we left the hotel."

My mum stood up and stretched out her back, "I" m not quite ready for food yet, we did tell people at home we'd call them when it was morning their time. Richard, I could use a walk?"

My dad stood obediently, and pressed a kiss to my head as he walked past, "Look after our loser," he said of Harry with an amused smile on his face.

"Well," I let a puff of breath out once Harry and I had the room to ourselves, "That was rude? Why didn't they want to eat with us?"

Harry started pushing me off his legs, "Because we only had lunch two hours ago. They' v been in this room all night, I understand the need for a walk. It's good you're hungry, though."

I watched as Harry rummaged around in his backpack and pulled out a brown paper bag and two bottles of water. He returned to the table but took the seat my dad left, resting his elbows on the table and watching me with mild humour as I tore into the bag.

"I have to tell you something."

I frowned through chewing my first bite, Harry's face was unreadable if not a touch guilty, "What?"

Harry's eyebrows dug down as he looked to his hands on the table, "I told my mum … About being pregnant."

An incredulous laugh bubbled out of me, "Harry! You told her? What?"

"I know!" He cried out, "We're not meant to. I know. But with everything going on, I was so worried and stressed and fucking terrified for you. I didn't know how to deal with it all without talking to someone."

"Harry," I said softly. He was so earnest, and the concern was apparent on his face, "I'm okay."

"Didn't know that this morning," Harry mumbled. "I just needed her advice and help with what to do."

"It's okay," I took another bite of mustard and cheese goodness, "What did she say?"

That's when the smile appeared on Harry's face, "She's really happy about the baby. It was hard to keep her on track, really. She had good advice as well, just needed a clear head in on it with me, you know? I mean, then your dad rang and now things are a little lighter."

I knew how much Harry trusted his mother's judgement, and I truly loved it about him. Anne was a steadying force in his life, and when Harry couldn't trust himself, he could always trust her to have the answer. I had come to trust her voice in our lives as well.

"She's happy?"

"Yeah," Harry breathed out, and his smile turned into a megawatt grin, "Bloody elated."

"I'm glad you told her," I said honestly, "I'm sorry you've had to be so worried. I—

"—Hey, no," Harry frowned at me again and gestured to Laykn's bed without looking, "This is exactly where your head is supposed to have been. The baby happened so quickly before we left, it's… It's hard to keep everything in my brain at the moment, really."

"Whose baby?" A voice across the other side of the room said.

Harry and I both shot to our feet and turned to Laykn whose eyes were open and looking at the hospital ceiling, unfocused, but once I was at his side, they were clear and unmistakably those of my younger brother.

"Laykn," I breathed out, "Laykn, hi."

"Hey," he croaked out, "You're having a baby?"

I could barely see him from the tears brimming in my eyes, and just as I was about to evade the question, Harry spoke.

"We are."

"Harry," I hissed through an almost-laugh. "Stop telling people!"

"I might forget," Laykn piped up again, "Although I remember mum and dad saying you two were here … Was that today?"

"Yeah, mate," Harry responded, pressing his hand on the bed above Laykn's shoulder and leaning up over into his line of sight, "You spoke to them this morning. It's nearly 5pm now."

An expression fluttered on Laykn's face but couldn't stay there from the bandages. When he spoke, it strained his voice to try and inflect the humour behind it, "So my brains aren't leaking out my ears?"

"Laykn!" I scolded.

"Not yet, Layk," Harry said evenly.

I watched Laykn's eyes close in an exhausted flutter, "Are you really having a baby?"

Something softened in me at the sudden vulnerability in his voice and the way it was clearly difficult for him to be conscious this short amount of time, "We are," I told him, "We only just found out though, so you've got to keep the secret for us. Mum and dad don't know."

"Ah," Laykn sighed, "I can keep my mouth shut, but it'll cost 'ya."

I sniffed back, tears, "You idiot."

Whether it was our news or the moment, or Harry hovering over him and me scolding him, I watched Laykn's eyes pool as well. The skin around his eyes reddened, and a tear budded and then rolled down his cheek.

"I'm really fucking glad you're both here," he said through the emotion.

"Of course," Harry responded, "We love you. It's so good to hear your voice, mate. You scared us all."

"I scared me," my brother added quietly.

++

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[enthusiastic-nimrod]

Hey I'm Fred's fourth daddy anon! I sent that to you, and what felt like five minutes later you came in with that gorgeous sketch. Do you have any art tips or videos that have taught you cause I've been stuck draw trying to draw anything not resembling a lump for two years. Also yeah it was whirlwind episode, f*ck Rose, and Fred should have turned that loon in.

Hey FD Anon, thanks so much! I don’t draw a lot of “horror” art so I’m really happy with it’s progress so far!

While I do agree with you that Rose is The Worst, I think she added in an interesting dynamic and I’d be happy if she became a recurring character in the Scooby mythos at large. As for Fred not turning his dad in... I agree, but I also understand why he didn’t. 

The episode went out of it’s way to show off how frightening and weird he is but Fred made it very clear that when he wasn’t wearing the mask he was a good parent, and that all of his crimes were shown as nonviolent. He didn’t seem to steal anything (unless I missed that line?) he just liked messing with people by confusing them. 

As for art tips, I... honestly never expected anybody to ask for advice from me? That’s super flattering wow. 

Okay, so I’m still pretty much a novice, but lemme give you some of my best tips and tricks:

1) Notice how my last sketch had a grey background? This wasn’t just for that sketch, this is how I use ALL of my digital canvases. I do this because the grey causes less strain to my eyes, and allows me to work longer and more easily. Being so close to a screen, especially a blue or white one, can make it harder to work for long periods of time. 

2) If you want to do digital art, you need to learn “traditional art” (pencil and paper) first. It makes transitioning to digital more easy and it’s pretty much what any art teacher would recommend, for good reason. 

3) Using one method of art not only limits you, but stops you from learning other techniques which can be incorporated into what you typically prefer. Not only that, but you can also discover a medium you really love that you never would have thought of before!

4) Whenever you get the chance, work in black and white or monochrome. This is a great way to help yourself learn about values and intensity, and just looks cool in general. 

5) Piggybacking on that last point, if you’re ever worried about your shading, values, etc becoming muddled either A] take a picture and use a filter to make it black and white, or B] create another, pure white layer on top of the others and change it from “Normal” to “Hue”. Doing this can really help change your approach to coloring (black and white effect may be different for every art program). 

6) If you want to get better at realistic faces, I was taught using the grid system. You have squares on your reference picture, squares on your paper, and then match up the body parts to the squares. I personally didn’t like this method, but it’s a really solid style of learning. 

7)  Start with the torso instead of the head. what you start with the head, the body may end up becoming wonky and having the neck stretched out at an odd angle or having a too small cranium. This is easier to fix in digital art but I suggest just remembering the importance of that rib cage (this is something I’m still training myself out of). 

8) Asking for feedback can be an invaluable tool. For example, last year I had this really weird thing where I drew my eyes way too close together- I never noticed until I had it pointed out to me, and it took MONTHS to break this habit.

9) References are very useful, and one fun technique I’ve found great use in is to draw a pose, first with no reference, and then following that reference very strictly. This can be helpful when you want to see where you are developmentally. 

10) Every now and then while drawing, you want to put the pencil down, prop up your paper, and walk away so that you can see the full image from a distance. If you’re working digitally, you zoom out a great deal so that the image appears smaller. This is a GREAT tool for seeing which sections of the piece need the most attention and how those smaller details hold up. 

11) If you have the opportunity, you REALLY want to participate in an actual art class. Having a teacher that can see what you’re doing in real time and knows where you’re at skill-wise is an INVALUABLE thing to have- these people were specifically taught how to teach you these skills, recognize your problems and how to fix them. Don’t be afraid to talk to them and ask for advice about non-classwork art, either! You can’t receive help if you don’t ask for it. 

12) Flip your canvas! I know you’ve probably heard this before, but this is one of the best ways to check for anatomy inconsistencies.

13)  When it comes to youtube artists, I don’t really actively follow any, but I do know of some! 

Mark Crilley: While I don’t watch his videos much now, I used to follow his videos RELIGIOUSLY. He’s got some really solid advice on how to map out comics and mangas, and he taught me the importance of silent scenes and keeping your work from getting too wordy. He mostly does the soft anime look, but he also does some pretty stellar realism. 

mikeymegamega: I’m not going to lie to you, anon- this man likes his cheesecake. This guy is all about the cute anime girls, so if you’re not looking for that, skip him, but I really can’t recommend his videos on hands, feet, and faces enough. 

Proko: Has a video about best drawing exorcises and is the guy you turn to when you want to know about figure drawing. He tends to focus on the more realistic anatomy, and while his videos may be long he’s got some good advice. I’d say to check out his studying anatomy correctly video, and then just kinda scroll through his pages. 

Ethan Becker: THE KNIFE MAN. The first time I clicked on him I thought he was making a troll video- but then he Got Into It and my dudes, my guys, he has some CRAZY good advice. The way he words things and shows you examples in his videos are amazing and I really can’t recommend him enough. He did a video called “Fixing PROKO's LAZY Drawings“ and while you’d think it would be a  bash fest his advice on shading in it is just so incredibly useful. Click on pretty much any of his videos and you’ll be entertained and learning. 

I'd also suggest watching speedpaints. Even if it was unintentional, I’ve learned several really solid art hacks from speedpaint and storytime videos- so always be aware that you have an option for that. 

…. Oh! And also, practice! I know you’ve probably been given this advice from everyone already, but it’s worth remembering. 

Sorry if this got a bit long, I just figured I’d try to give you some good hacks- and even if you have already heard of most of these, I hope I could at the very least entertain!

#ask #response #anon #art advice #art tips #scooby doo #fred jones #professor huh #bcsd

[aloy97]

I really not liking LL... The whole indirect cheat talk is so like painful for me... I got cheated by my fiancee (yeah im a lucky one) and this is low-key stressing me a bit? I love Castiel a lot but idk if I can continue playing... I'm sorry for the long ass text but i love your blog and use it to help me with mcl

Hei hei it's ok, don't worry

Yeah this part was a lot unecessary from a side, from the other it's not totally different, at last even worse ,of what beemoov has done in the previous season with castiel's ONS ...

In that occasion even if candy wasn't dating none but evidently flirts with another crush, and if you accept the ons , other people LOM will went down a lot, i 've find this, more unsensitive and unrespective, compared to what is happen NOW on LL.

At last here candy hasn't done Nothing, compared to fuck a random dude , while she was kinda interested in another guy besides castiel .. And properly because i am on castiel route i Know him and candy have done some masturbation, so from this point i find it more """" disgusting"""" what she has done on MCLUL, than now .

I don't know if it's clear what i am trying to say but the point is this :

Beemoov tries really hard to put a lot realism, and is fine, the problem is just that is not capable to put AN EVIDENT, possibility to broke up with the actual crush ,with moore motivations and less bitchy moves.. Not everyone appreciate someone which has hooked up in the past and then says one of the worst shittiest phrase in the world to the person you suppose to love..

This is the problem. I am fine to change route b it at last give me more options to do it.. Something like :

- i have doubts , there are several months i don't feel the same for him

- i am totally in love i won't broke up with him

- but cheating it's not so harsh( the one they have basically throw on our face)

With this 3 otpions you have 1 possibility to ramain in your romance and 2 one less and more honest to change crush , and 3 one, the one they've basically suggest in the speech with castiel...

But beemoov doesn't want to put some intelligence in their writing and that's because of this we have shitty writing.

End of the discussion

Reguarding castiel:

In my case i'll never cheat on castiel, NEVER.. He 's my crush from 2012 until now , and i am totally loyal for him .. When you have wrote " idk if i keep playing" did you mean you're tired of him?.

In that case i can't say much, it happens to loose interest in someone.. Generally the few times it was happen to me, i have always choose to put my self in a condition to select new crushes ... in this case you can try this, if you have this options... Otherwise there are other 2 solutions: 1 leave the game , 2 keep playing..

I'm not gonna lie the quality of the arcs is basically went down, after the first season of MCL.. In face the se2 besides the ONS, and some romantic stuff, was a total flop for castiel and other romance despite nathaniel.. Now yess castiel has a sort of arc but it's evident is not the type of arc with a rockstar you clearly want to see or expect.. And i am one of the most which thinks this , but wants to finish mcl and pray to have a decent arc with her crush...

People generally tends to leave a romance properly because personality and arcs are the most important thing in a route .

With castiel you have a lot ups and downs with this thing but honestly i don't want to leave him , because somehow in these 3 season some good things are happen, i love his personality and because he's my favorite one... LL has only 5 episodes i believe we'll see something more consistent and full of action.. We have just to wait

That's it, thanks to have share to me your love of my blog and don't worry i perfectly understand your feeling.. My ex BF HAS DONE THE SAME TO ME ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ be strong girl

#dolce flirt #amor doce #mycandylove #mclul rambles #mclul rants #castiel mcl #amour scurè #corazón de melon #mclul #mcl ll season 3 #mcl

[cowboyguts-moved]

omg okay thank you!!!! ok, so i've got this nice lil gay couple, & i wanna write their first time. not the actual act but the morning after, but i'll probably reference the act just for fun. & i'm lost as to how to DO IT??? how to convey that kind of intimacy!! its a huge deal for them. i wanna b pure & romantic but also sensual & raw at the same time ? i want to b authentic but i also wanna capture the whimsy of it, i want it to b STUNNING n i thought who better to help me achieve that than u

AWWHHH shucks heeeehee okay yeah i can try to help!! i don’t write a lot of sex scenes but i mean i can try to help you with the emotions and realism of it 

okay soooo you said whimsical and i think that’s good because one of the first things you have to know is that sex, i mean especially for the first time, i’m not sure if they’re virgins but, it’s supposed to be kinda goofy and imperfect and funny, fun too. sex is supposed to be fun! you’re naked with the person you really like, so i think whimsy is something that’s needed. virginity loss is different, maybe more nerve wracking but all the same it’s kinda fun, and it’s fun to be embarrassing, it doesn’t take away from the importance of the scene. make them laugh a little, fumble, tremble, slip and say sorry, finish too fast, don’t make them give it So Good for 3 hours. make one of them pass out after they come and the other one is begrudgingly tender with them anyway. make them a little confused if they don’t know what they’re doing or if they do there’s still gotta be some nerves if this is something that’s a huge deal for them like you said. not everything is going to work out perfectly. i know you’re just referencing it but these things can help with that. i think the best kind of intimacy is the kind where people are just being people with the one they love and so a sex scene will come across a lot more impactful and heartfelt for the reader and your characters.

senses are my go to. im always thinking about smells and tastes and the feeling beyond the sex that’s in the chest and belly, and if you’re writing about the morning after the feeling will definitely linger and will flare up when your characters recall pieces of it, the memories come in flashes but the feelings and tastes stay with you and it leaves you kind of fuzzy headed, like you’re hyper aware of some things but oblivious to a lot too. sex doesn’t smell like berries and vanilla, if you want it to be raw it smells like skin sweat B.O. and your privates + their secretions, if you follow those rules for other senses too it’ll be Pretty Raw if you ask me. raw real sex is like kinda Stupid to be honest like you’re being embarrassing and you’re panting and laughing and clinging and humping too hard ALL THAT. so your characters should be kinda sore. the soreness mingles with those deep seeded belly and chest feelings, it’s like your body is thrumming. 

a way i like to make things Stunning especially in situations like these where words are hard to find and you’re still up in the clouds or maybe consumed with other emotions cause you did somethin really REAL with a person is making a character really aware of the lighting, sun through the window, marks on skin from sheets, the way the others hair looks, their body language. their racing thoughts that has to do with touch and taste and feeling from last night but also what does he/she think of us Now, are we beyond something now, did we surpass a line, am i relieved or worried, does my heart ache for this person even more now, am i especially tender

what does having sex mean to them? what were they before and has this changed their chemistry or was it always sort of inevitable. LETS SAY i was writing something about childhood best friends to lovers ( I am) and they have their first time in the future, sex doesn’t have to be that all-changing event but it’s a big thing anyway. they’ve loved each other all their lives and now they’ve reached a point where they’re the closest they’ve ever been and so it’s intense on them, it’s emotional it alters their perception of each other and how you look at other things. it’s important you establish what your characters are to each other, their history, and if banging causes a ripple in the timeline. that morning after would be pretty twilight-zone, maybe one of them isn’t doing what the other wants, like they’re getting coffee and talking in short sentences and there's this thick,,like, palpable tension. and if it’s not like that?? like if they’re relieved and comfortable and they feel even more whole now and such and such, there’s still something different buzzing in the air it’s like electrifying, there’s a rift in the earth u know.

with all that!! you don’t need to over do it. like don’t be really verbose and be all, first he smelt his dick and then he saw the moon flittering through the blinds and THEN he tasted his sweaty neck like,,,, just spread it around and be kind with the scene, or referenced scene and the morning after, make sure things make sense and they flow. like real humans think and feel and do when they’re fervent and hypersensitive and in love. im SORRY this is long but i tried to cover all the things i personally consider when i have to write one of these scenes 

#writing #Anonymous

[jikook-love]

I really like that you're a realistic shipper. Can you tell me what you think about the interactions being authentic? I'm reminded of how Heechul would kiss his bandmates for fanservice. The boys definitely know about the ships, so couldn't they just be selling us our desired product, playing it up to make it seem real? This thought prevents me from shipping them in real life, although I love Jikook fanfic. And don't worry, monogamy isn't dead, I'm def devoted to Jikook when I read fanfic.

AHHH Heechul. The one and only.

I like that you bring up Super Junior because I probably know them more than I know any other band at this point but I sense the feeling is different when it comes to those boys. It was only once (maybe twice), that Heechul kissed his bandmates, and it was more in like the passion of a musical performance rather than to take it as a “shipping moment” was what I felt. That’s why it’s not really blown up and no one really knows unless they follow Suju to a certain extent. What’s more, the most passionate kiss was with Sungmin...who is now married. (bless the boi plz save him i feel so bad for him just when i thought ELFs were supposed to be mature shiet like this happens and I want to just crawl under the rock and let go of humanity forever.) There was a sense of realism with Suju I guess, where we knew it was obviously fanservice.

So why is jikook any different? Well, if it’s fanservice, it’s fanservice that’s intertwined into their actual on-camera personas, as I’ve said again and again. Their actions fit into the bigger picture of them as a character, whereas the example you brought up e.g. Heechul kissing Sungmin, honestly came out of nowhere and was clearly for a stage performance. On variety shows it was mostly them playing stupid games and taking digs at each other, whereas on BTS variety shows you’re seeing what they want you to interpret as a window to their everyday lives. As a result, the images you see are quite different. Am I saying that Suju’s personalities are fake? NOOOOOO (and I’ll fight u). It’s just portrayed in a different way through shows, whereas with the Bangtan stuff you actually see a more...natural? persay? side of them which is why the “fanservice” interpretation is a little bit different. Yes, they can still be faking interactions and forcing ships, but at that point it ties into their personality too, because it would mean that THEY THEMSELVES are either a) enforcing the shipping on their own or b) faking it for views. Your call, because you can honestly never really tell.

And yes, on the point of monogamy, for me it’s just like...well I can’t live vicariously through your love if your love isn’t the kind of love I might want ;) 

#i feel like i made no sense #i'm in bed and my brain is dead #sorry #ask #azadirachta-indica