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#but i'm feeling restless again
neverendingford · 4 days
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skyglow:
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(alternative title: photo dump of a midnight desert run)
#photography#Ford's Art#color says shit#it was either go on a twelve mile run or re-download grindr and get absolutely blasted so I went with the more responsible option.#b because damn I'm feeling it tonight. or at least I was before the run. I need to shower and then I'll cook dinner and go to bed satiated.#I did also jerk off under the bridge and then piss on someone's flowers on the way home. gotta get those animal instincts out somehow right?#anyway I've successfully vented most of my manic energy and a cold shower will finish it off and then we're good.#the mood meds have been helping a lot. last time I got hit with this kind of a mood I came out of it with huge bite marks and chlamydia.#and I haven't been feeling it nearly as bad this time so that's nice. more like a restless dog and less like a caged wolf thirsty for blood.#yes I'm making references to Call of the Wild again deal with it.#anyway sorry to anyone who sees this from the tags and not because you follow me. you didn't sign up for this lmao.#also. this is why I can't be a binary trans woman. this night photography shit is the most gay-man thing ever and I enjoy it.#I was doing it before my last boyfriend but he got me even more into it.#anyway bye I'm gonna go shower and then eat food. I've been hungrier more recently.#between the meds and the hrt my appetite is bigger and I'm gaining weight with the hrt fat redistribution which is cool and good.#I want to be a healthy weight and maybe even a lil chonky? we'll see we'll see.
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goodnightmoonvale · 7 months
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It Gets Better
In my teens and early 20s, I was suicidal. Actively, for a while, and then mostly passively throughout college. Never made an attempt, but thought about it a lot.
Once I got married and had kids, suicidal thoughts were less frequent. I did, however, think an awful lot about either alternate universe versions of myself that were doing something different, or about living off grid, or about just getting on a greyhound bus and travelling literally anywhere else. When I saw a post on Tumblr once about how "wanting to disappear and run off into the woods" was a more mild form of the same thought process that gives you suicidal urges, it made a lot of sense.
Earlier this year I once again got the overwhelming urge to change my entire life. But instead of wanting to stop existing, or wanting to walk away from everything and start from zero, I realized - I want to rearrange my furniture. I want to paint all my walls. I want to rip up the paving stones in the back yard and plant flowers. I want to learn woodworking.
And I realized - I will probably always be restless. Combine the ADHD with never living in the same house for more than 4 years at a time as a kid, and you get a brain that constantly craves things that are new. But I've finally hit a point where the life that I'm in is mostly preferable to me. I've found people and relationships that I cherish. The fact that I want to stay and fix what I have instead of wanting to drop everything and run means that I like the majority of what I have. The good things about my life outweigh the negatives and the stress and the boredom that still remain. I finally have built up enough good in my life that it wouldn't be worth tossing it out.
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iri-vail · 8 months
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i've started taking adhd meds and this shit is insane. i can't describe how it makes me feel but i don't think i've been more well-adjusted ever in my life and it's just fucking...overnight. like, years of struggling and i take one pill and it's an instant "oh this is how brains work."
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vvanessaives · 8 months
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btw feeling insane on this fine evening i need something to obsess on but like only one thing bc my brain is running in circles since the whole afternoon and i'm losing my sanity fr
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wizardmarriage · 14 days
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gotta draw 💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥
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boundlss · 2 months
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hm. how do i say what i'm meaning to say with this post... ok, so, it's not that i dislike the muses i'm writing and i do understand why they're some of the only muses getting written---i did re-theme the blog after rui for a reason---but i'm the sort of person who generally feels restless if a lot of my muse list is going unused or if i have to stick to the same couple of muses for a little while. i wonder if it would do anything for me to go back to posting some more content that involves me randomly generating a muse to write, or maybe offering up some things i've done less in the past that involve me suggesting sort of out-there dynamics...? ah well. something to think about.
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myrestlessdreams · 1 year
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sorry for changing my personality again babe my meds got changed
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blujayonthewing · 9 months
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the problem with exercise is that I want to do fun things like parkour, but I'm so out of shape that I'd need to to ten thousand pushups before I have enough of a foundation to even start doing anything fun
'oh well, the trick is, don't think of it as ten thousand pushups and overwhelm yourself: just do three pushups every day until you can do four, and so on and it'll get easier and easier over time'
you misunderstand. I don't want to do three pushups. I want to climb trees and vault over obstacles right now
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scoutpologist · 8 months
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i'm honestly considering remaking because i seriously think something about having the same account for so many years is scary. like i don't want to delete this account but i sort of really do?
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lieutenantselnia · 8 months
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I just wanted to let you know that I made a carrd for my self ship things! It includes an overview of my f/o's, a short description of my self-inserts as well as some information on their relationships :)
It's still a work in progress (e.g. not all s/is and relationships have pictures at the moment because I didn't manage to draw/design them yet), but I hope to expand it over time as my ideas develop.
I also made a few tiny changes to my pinned post. I mainly reorganised the f/o section. I was starting to look really cluttered unpleasant to read to me, hence I decided to make a carrd in the first place. In that way, I feel like I can include substantial information while still making look everything nice and keeping things organised.
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vetteldixon · 2 years
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Jamie Chadwick, W Series 2019, Brands Hatch. (📸  Alexander Trienitz)
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sysig · 2 years
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*dramatically swipes all the papers and books off the surface of my mind-desk*
#Actually I'll have to pick those up in approximately 24 hours but untIL THEN#This week has been absolute chaos on my focus IS2G#It hasn't even been a full week since my stream but I have been feeling so Weird since then lol#Not in like a bad way or anything just like - heavy flighty lol#The kind of restlessness that lends itself to nothing outside of 2-5AM on the odd days of the week#The universe decided to pull another Happy Coincidence prank on me#Anyone here remember the job that popped up for exactly long enough to replace my laptop? The one I'm currently using?#Yeah that happened again - different necessity of money spending (please let that continue to be the case) - but same coincidence#Practically the same distance and pay too like what#I hate to use the word NPC 'cause it's taken on such a gross implication as of late but like#Who are these Quest Givers and why do they have the exact amount of EXP I need for the next level when I Really Need to boss fight#I've also been getting back into Stardew Valley which has been great fun - I actually made it to Lv 25 in the Desert Mines!#I got a lot of things very quickly actually - I'm on Year 3 but over the course of like a season and a half I upgraded and acquired a bunch#Got the gold scythe and Iridium pick and the beets and my first fish pond and the Slime Ring!! Gods the Slime Ring#Makes my Slime Hutch about 1000000% easier#Oh yeah and two more Prismatic Shards and a Dino Egg (one hatched and one in the incubator) and the basement#Popping off is basically what I'm saying and doing and being and having#It's weird to return to the real world afterwards tho lol my schedule is so shot#Also not me setting a new alarm the other day and it going off and I'm just like ''Oh this is a pretty track I haven't heard this one yet''#Running around trying to keep from accidentally shutting it off 'cause it's pretty and sounds nice against the late autumn day#Luckily I set it early enough that I recognized what was happening before the Actual actual time hit lol#SDV#WPSDV#WPVG
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apolloamy · 2 years
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You wanna hear and unpublished bittersweet expert I think you’ll like?
i'd love that 🥺
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wizardnuke · 1 year
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the shadowgast pacific rim au that exists in my brain.
#LONG TAGS LORE DUMP FOR A FIC I'M NEVER GONNA WRITE PROBABLY#deirta is pentecost she lost her husband in a battle and piloted the jaeger to shore alone - verin is tendo he could fight but deirta#doesn't want either of her sons in a jaeger ever. verin is okay enough with this. essek is not.#caleb ran a triple arm jaeger with astrid and wulf and lost his mind a little bit when they died. he felt them die. the added stress of#piloting a jaeger to shore on his own put him in the hospital and then a psych ward for three months#before he began helping with wall construction as equipment maintenance. clearly this is still a magic au and tech = magic etc etc#I CANNOT stress enough that jaegers are powered by luxon beacons.#anyway essek is in mako's position and caleb is beckett. the restless assistant and the tired veteran#essek chooses caleb's candidates - the candidate process is a little more complicated because these fantasy jaegers#work off of both magic and manual physical effort - candidates have to be evenly matched in both physical and mental fields#blumendrei only worked because caleb and astrid combined matched wulf in physicality. astrid and wulf matched caleb in casting.#it was. unhealthily competitive between them at times and astrid was the worst about it. he still misses them every single day.#it's like. shit hurts to do when one arm or leg is weaker than the other. it's like that. it has to match#essek and caleb have little noodle arms and truly insane skills w casting. so they're compatable. essek is sure. caleb does the same#'why do you keep making that face' bit like beckett did bc he's tired of essek's attitude and deirta's flat dismissal of him#they metaphorically roll the same exact initiative and the fight ends in caleb casting firebolt/essek casting sapping sting#and the two of them both use their reaction to counterspell. they both move to cast again when deirta is like Okay Stop Fighting I Get It#heehoo. the first time they drift together caleb leans that essek secretly recovered a beacon from a downed jaeger and has been using it to#advance his research while passing himself off as a genius - not that he isn't. he just has another stepping stone as well.#essek gets to live thru caleb's experience of feeling two (2) people die at the same exact moment. yeah verin has to pull that fuckin plug.#other notes. veth and yeza r the scientists. OBVIOUSLY veth drifts with a kaiju brain like are u KIDDING me#other jaeger teams are fjord+jester yasha+beau and the tealeaf triplets.
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jslittlebirdie · 2 years
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Please, I just want J... I wish he could take my mind off things for only a few minutes. I feel terrible.
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Part 1
Part 2 -
The vine momentarily went slack around Tintin's neck, as if not for a respite, but to patronisingly offer an opportunity for his spiteful remarks in response. As much as this man did love the sound of his own voice, his demands to hear the words of especially his enemies would far often outweigh that need in pursuit of exactly what he wanted and desired.
His throat burned, voice cracking in pain as he could somewhat exhale from his lungs, chest aflame with tightness and panic. His mouth was set in a line, as set as it could be with the proximity of this man to him. The eyes were unmoving in their direct eye contact, brow tired yet furrowed in bitter concentration.
"Perhaps before we met...or after we got rid of you," the reporter spoke with hoarse spite, regardless of the fear in his eyes and gut. He didn't really have much to lose, it seems, if a world like this was molded to his victims' psyche. He'd already seen too much, but it was a privilege at this point. Sakharine would not allow him to have such peace.
Those eyes in front of him appeared red and seemed to shine with some sadistic playfulness and hunger as the reporter spoke. The action of one of his hands into a slow fist as he felt the familiar feeling of his arms being pulled and now twisted back at an unnatural and agonising angle and pace to the point he began to panic, fearing he felt imminent dislocation. It took every ounce of Tintin's will to not cry out in pain, though the evidence of this manifested as tears spilled from the corners of his wide, unflinching eyes. The vines around his ankles wrapped around them tighter, more possessively, threatening to break them, and the one around his neck fell back, his privilege to offer responses finally silenced and denied.
One thing he couldn't deny though, was how much he was shaking with his breath coming out in chokes of pain and exhaustion and actions of trying to swallow it all back down. Even if the man wasn't right in front of him, his whole mind was a landscape that could be seen into and exploited. For once in his life, his real feelings were put on display in their true colours that he had never shown to anyone, not even the captain. He wondered if he could see or hear anything that he would come running. He didn't even know where he'd even ended up passing out, for crying out loud. He could be ANYWHERE.
Sakharine reached up with a hand up against his head and this time he flinched, feeling the vine press tighter against his throat and mouth emitting almost silent screams. His hand crawled up towards his head through his hair, those eyes filled with vile admiration and head tilted slightly in observation. He felt the familiar ache envelop his brain, a reminder of all his headaches that plagued him for days up until this point. A symbol of this psychological pain that now flooded the inside of his skull. Everything that was happening now just felt like blinding pain where all he wanted to do was scream, but this man reveled in not even letting him have that.
"Oh, what a shame," Sakharine drawled with mock pity, watching his prey endure this with not a single way out, "Your mind is showing something far better. You're in far too deep for any kind of cry of help for anyone. Not like the captain could even help you if he wanted to. He's most likely too drunk to even realise."
His voice turned cold, his grin not as wide but still showing those teeth. His eyes burned into him icily. "Not like you'd let anyone help you. There's a reason you hide from people. You've been a lonely boy ever since you were born and thrown into that orphanage. You don't want anyone to get hurt but you'd let a thousand men beat and drug you into unconsciousness before you tell anyone your real feelings. There's running away and then there's that."
"You can't fool me. Tintin," he spoke maliciously, grin arriving back again as clearly as it had gone away, "it was fate that you happened to hold that dear ship I needed. You wouldn't swap it for anything else. This wasn't just about mystery and adventure. You couldn't get rid of me that easily, not with that ghastly poor effort. You knew it. You belong right here with me. To me. I could give you so much more than anyone else ever could."
The boy's head was beginning to arch against the pillar, unable to tear himself away from it. His endurance with torture was a sight to behold, but Sakharine was more than willing to test his limits. A cruel excitement lit up in his eyes as he watched the tears running down the boy's face. There was that shark-like grin again, breathing against his face now. "It's too early for me to break you so physically. You're far too fun. We've got all the time in the world, so perhaps...a slideshow. Why not relive so many of your fondest memories instead?"
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