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#but i'll isolate instead
skylightz · 19 days ago
#venting in tags again <3#hhhh anyway im so tired of just. being stuck. in every aspect of my life?#i havent progressed at all in the last 2-3 years#im stuck with the same problems ive always had#ive barely grown as a person and no matter how much i try to combat it i still fall to old habits and destructive behaviors#and i confine myself so much i dont even know how to handle it anymore.#i cant see myself ever being happy. i just feel so ill... like my brain is infected and i keep getting worse and worse#i try so hard to instill self love in me but i dont ever feel it. i loathe myself so deeply that i dont think i ever could even just be#content with myself. and maybe its because i cant come out? maybe because i cant be myself?#because i live in fear of the people around me and losing my only sort of support system#and how i keep just constantly endlessly fucking up my life more and more at every turn#i just keep avoiding everything and bending and twisting#refusing to push forward despite trying so hard#i just want therapy. i want it so fucking bad. i need it#or hell. maybe i just need to off myself instead. i feel im too far gone to ever heal & truly get better#its a thought that burdens me so greatly. how i truly dont think i’ll get better#and like multiple people have pointed out to me. yeah i sure do have a lot of fucking problems! i know i do! i cant fucking help it and morr#*more and more keep piling on! and im drowning & suffocating & i cant heal!#i want so desperately to isolate myself completely and just rot and die#but i crave humanity so desperately. i want to be human and to live without all of my fucking issues#im doomed to fall. ive been doomed to fail ever since day one.#i constantly think about how i know. if i committed suicide. i wouldnt be someone people would be shocked by#i would be someone that everyone would react as if they knew it was in the cards for me. that its not a shocker. that that is my destiny.#ive seen it before. ive heard it all before. and i know i would be another person to fall in that category.#im so alienated from everything. i try so desperately to live and to be good and to feel and to experience but i hardly feel alive#im so tired. im so hurt so deep down. i hurt so much. i dont know what to do with myself anymore.#i feel so sick. i feel so sick.#theres nothing in me but sickness and i cant take it anymore#i just want to heal and be okay and understand and grow and live and breathe#i want to be myself and to be loved for who i am unconditionally
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fazcinatingblog · a year ago
as if 500 people were going to be at south australia’s sheffield shield starting on TUESDAY. are they kidding themselves????? i’ve been to shield games on a weekday, there’s like 10 people max.
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xadial · a year ago
#having thoughts#i am a thousand different people through a thousand different eyes and maybe my truest self is the culmination of all of them#instead of the one i live with who i isolate myself with so so often and yet is the most abjectly unbearable person i know#i keep it in a petri dish and prod it and roll my eyes when it cries or feels anxiety#and then it's a spiral all the way down because who is the 'i' in the petri dish and who is the 'i' with the prodding stick#when i say i am the most unbearable person i know most of the time i will mean that spiral. not the person it tries to amount to#but sometimes i mean the person it tries to amount to.#i keep thinking about the concept of death of the ego#putting myself below the worth i give all others is egotistical. hence to avoid being egotistical i will follow the advice i give others#i used to be able to do that but i've rotted a bit maybe#the short of it is that ego causes harm and i do not want to do that and others are not the echo chamber i'm so used to when thinking#all this time and i still haven't the first clue how people work and i'll never stop trying but i'm scared of hurting people in the process#half a year ago my only goal was to be as kind to the world as i possibly could be and bring as much joy as humanly possible#and in that i was included in the world so limitless kindness to myself was intrinsic#and now i am tired and i am bitter and so awfully selfish again and i think i have been for a while#and the petri dish and the spiral goes on and on and on and i want to be a better person than i am now when i don't know how to be a person#rambles
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ylimeb · a year ago
#personal#me telling me virgo boi that he can't pay for dinner all the freaking time - we're not kids anymore and he can't spoil me#and he's like - don't freaking pay me back - i just want u to be here - scared that you'll nvr turn up the next time we're meant to meet up#making dis emotionally dysfunctional binch feel all weird but lovely .#i'm supposed to make him feel nice because he's just got out of a long-term relationship but i said 'okay' instead .#and me libra boi's gf was like that's such a dissatisfying/lacking response .#and i was like - well i congratulated him when he told me he was gonna end it . so this is just me being quietly proud of him#emotional honesty all the way innit .#last year i kept all my feelings to myself and i almost died .#this yr i'm all about being - open and expressive about it .#literally texted back all me mates today . long and emotionally expressive chunks of texts .#they better get used to it . i can't do the in-between . all or nothing .#speaking of that - me cancer bb is surprising me tmr by driving all the way to me parents' hse from another state .#and she wants me to meet her family . i'm not really in the right mood to do these sort of tings . but i think it'll be okay .#i need to not isolate myself during these times .#i've got to celebrate me aquarius boi's bday in the evening . so i literally have a full day of social tingz .#i'll need a good dose of me-time aft all that .#i hv such hate/love feelings about aquarius(es) .#at dinner today me virgo boi casually mentioned about our mate - an aquarius boi who never forgave me for what i did three xmases ago#and i felt annoyed because he used to tell me everything but now i have to hear it from someone else#and me libra boi's gf asked me what i did that made him not want to speak to me for such a long ass time#and i was like - we didn't know how to talk to each other properly . a classic case of miscommunication ?#and me virgo boi was like - and then she blocked him .#and i was like - well he literally deleted me from his life after i unblocked him tho !#so das dat . me long lost space boi - if he's even a space engineer still - i would not know .#i mean *aerospace engineer . same shit right ?#well the one that deals w nasa anyway .#apparently he's not dating anyone atm . which is so uncharacteristic of him . what happened to the one i share the same name w ?#i can't even ask him that wtf .
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bluestarscribbler · 2 hours ago
Writing Characters With Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD)
Hi everyone! :) How are you doing? 🥰💕 Today I'll be outlining the main do's and don't's of writing characters with SAD, as well the definition and the main symptoms of SAD.
DISCLAIMER: I am not diagnosed with SAD myself; however, all of the following information had been obtained from different posts and sites of people that have first-hand experience with SAD. I will be linking those at the end of today's post, please feel free to check them out.
What I learned from the intense research I did is that nobody has social anxiety the same. Some people feel like they can't breath. Others tend to laugh in awkward moments. Nobody is the same. No character is exactly alike. You can't get it "right," because it's not an exact science. So don't feel too pressured while writing a character with SAD, there's no "one" way to write them. A helpful approach is to think what about how the SAD fits into the story you want to tell because the topic is really as complicated as any other and you can view it from many different angles and go as deep as you want - depending on what this story you're trying to tell calls for. So rather than trying to get an objective view of this complicated topic, focus on the aspects that are relevant to the story.
What is Social Anxiety Disorder?
AKA Social Phobia, SAD describes an intense fear and avoidance of negative public scrutiny, public embarrassment, humiliation or social interaction. This fear can be specified to particular social situations; such as public speaking, or more typically, is experienced in most/all social interactions. Those suffering from SAD will often attempt to avoid the source of their anxiety; this is particularly problematic and in severe cases can lead to complete social isolation.
Symptoms of SAD:
person paces a lot
very fidgety
stops talking mid sentence...a lot
wrings hands
angered by slightest infractions of others
finds fault in others a lot
hard to breathe when focus/attention is shifted to them
sweating profusely
shrinking to hide
lack of eye contact/wandering eyes
painfully shy and withdrawn
picking the nails, picking the skin
always the person in the back of the room or in a corner
gravitating toward the first person they recognise and following them everywhere
finding ways to avoid certain situations
crying before or after social events
feel dizzy and the entire world becomes very far away
feeling like chest was caving in
assuming that everyone is focusing on them
assuming that people are laughing about them
grind their teeth a lot
bite their knuckles
tap out drum patterns with their feet or fingers
nausea and vomiting
muscle weakness
heart arrhythmia
increasing nervous tics
Keep in mind that social anxiety exists on a spectrum. Not everyone is paralysed at the smallest conversation, but some are. Others feel mild discomfort at certain types of socialising. It’s all relative.
DO write in a lot of internal dialogue. People with SAD say that most of their anxiety is created by their own internal rumination. So, add a lot of overly self-critical internal dialogue and have them think about trivial things that they may or may not have gotten wrong for hours after the fact. People with SAD also tend to avoid initiating with anyone, instead preferring for them (the other person) to initiate — because then they know they're not inconveniencing them (the other person). If a person with SAD does have to interact with people then they tend to plan and rehearse what they're going to say to them. However, once the social interaction has begun, there will be very little internal monologue. In those situations, the character is very much relying on instinct. After the interaction, if the character feels that they messed up (which is likely; be sure to pick up on even the slightest fumbles or awkward pauses), they should keep thinking about how they're an idiot and they want to never have to talk to another person again, because they know it'll end the same way. If they feel like they did a good job, they should express surprise at how well it went, congratulate themselves, and say that they should maybe do this more often — although they probably won't.
DO let them have observational skills. Part of the anxiety stems from not always knowing how to/being good at socialising. Thus an anxious person will watch others closely for clues to their performance and acceptance. While it doesn’t always tell the person how they are doing, it does teach them a lot about the people around them and how they feel about each other. The person in a group with SAD may actually have a better idea of who in the group are friends, enemies, annoyed with the others, think they are better, have crushes, and so on. Having SAD doesn’t mean that a person doesn’t know social cues, it means that they underestimate their ability to use them. Don’t confuse SAD with autism.
DO make it influence all decisions. This is one you can do as the writer and not include every bit of internal dialogue. Just keep in mind that Every decision an anxious person makes is put through the anxiety filter first. Even if they are doing things by themselves, they have to evaluate the chances of meeting people, meeting people they know, having to talk to people when they are done. Keep that in mind when writing these characters in order to keep their personality consistent. That said, in general you can think of someone with SAD feeling physically, mentally and emotionally uncomfortable and "out of place" in ordinary social situations - they want out of it, looking for the door, excuse to leave, cut the interaction short. There could be a sense of shame, guilt and self-loathing about not being "good enough", or that there is something broken and wrong with them (or society).
DO give them other traits. Make sure you give them other traits that influence their decisions and drive their motivations. Someone can have anxiety and also love adventure, want to save all the stray dogs, want to help orphans, want to be a basketball hero, etc. One of the big problems with SAD is that it interferes with a person’s desires to do and be other things. It doesn’t always win though. And sometimes a person may decide that an awkward encounter or two is worth taking part in some other activity they love. Just remember to keep your characters balanced.
DO let them find each other. SAD is probably more common than you’d think. Not everyone has a crippling case. You can have characters share their anxiety with each other and comfort each other and help each other through tough times. SAD can make a person feel isolated but they don’t have to be, and often aren’t as isolated as they think. That observational skill can also help them find the right people to share their feelings with. Not all socialising is terrifying, it can often be cathartic.
DON'T make them hate people. Social anxiety does not mean that the person afflicted doesn’t like people or always craves solitude. One of the harshest aspects of SAD is that a person may want companionship and friends but still have uncontrollable discomfort when faced with making friends or spending time with the friends they already have. This constant tug-of-war between wanting friends and feeling the anxiety around people can cause a lot of internal pain and lead to other emotions and conditions such as depression. Someone with SAD can have friends. Even a lot of friends. But certain factors may influence how a person with SAD chooses friends more than they influence others. The level of contact is different for everyone and there will be some friends who can take up more time while not taking up more energy on the part of the anxious person. However, SAD can get so bad that the person with it is unable to leave the house for days at a time, ghosting on all social engagements, not answering their phone and ignoring all texts; but that still doesn't mean they hate people.
DON'T always make them succeed. If you are writing about a person with SAD and they are forced again and again to go outside their comfort zone, make them fail. Have them go to a meeting and then duck down a side corridor at the last minute and disappear. Have them talk to a person and then freeze up in the middle of a conversation, at a loss for words. The longer they go without knowing what to say the stronger the anxiety gets and the harder it is to think. Or have them execute the socialising brilliantly but then go into the bathroom and cry from the overwhelming sense of effort it took to look normal. And just because they have had a few successes doesn’t mean that they will start succeeding every time. Sometimes, the energy it takes, even when the interaction was a success, means that next time they are reluctant or too exhausted to do it again.
DON'T always give them "tells". Anxious people can be very good at hiding it. In the example above of the person who socialises brilliantly and then cries in the bathroom, no one knows how hard it was. They only saw the brilliant “performance.” Keep that in mind. Not all people uncomfortable with socialising are bumbling awkward goofballs. Sometimes they actually appear very cool and collected.
DON'T suddenly make their anxiety disappear when they're at the end of their character arc. This pisses me off, anxiety is a life-long condition. It cannot be "overcome" easily. However, the person with it can learn to live with it. They can visit a psychiatrist, get pills prescribed or change their lifestyle completely to fit around their SAD. A person with anxiety always thinks about their anxiety. Even when they are happily at home reading a book, sometimes they will think about an upcoming engagement, or wish they made friends like the characters in their book. Every time a person with SAD makes plans they have to run through a list of criteria before nailing anything down. Will they have time before and after to prep for and cool down from the experience? Is it something they have done before and feel comfortable doing? Can they back out at the last minute if they feel too overwhelmed that day? These are just a fraction of the things that go through an anxious person’s mind before committing to plans. Again, this isn’t an absolute, but for many people with SAD it is a defining characteristic of who they are. They don’t talk to a single person, even a spouse sometimes, or make a doctor’s appointment without the anxiety affecting how they feel, think, and behave. It is always there. Always.
That's it for today folks! I hope everyone has an absolutely fantastic day! 😊❤
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jesterofwords · 17 hours ago
hello,,,,, i read that you write for genshin? may i request general headcanons of where the tall boys would take you out on a date? (diluc, childe, kaeya, zhongli) bulleted form would be great, thx!
Of course! Im a newbie genshin writer, so I'm sorry if it isn't good! Sorry these are so short too, it's all I could think of at the moment 😅
Where Diluc, Childe, Kaeya, and Zhongli would take you on a date
This man would take you adventuring ngl
Like, the prettiest place he knows you haven't been.
A picnic date, basically.
He would bring all the things and lead you to a tall mountain or something
A very isolated place so you won't be bothered
Once it gets dark, he would lay back (and prompt you to do the same
Then, he'd point out constellations that he knows and if you want, tell you their story (I hc that he had a constellation phase when he was younger lmao)
He'll walk you home like a true gentleman when it gets too late, if you don't already live at Dawn Winery with him (I don't know I'd he actually lives at dawn winery or not, I'm so sorry)
10/10, would listen to him ramble about constellations all day
This man is SO RICH
You don't have to worry about a single money-related thing as long as he's around, my god
He'd probably take you around Liyue (not the city) for a bit and defeat monsters for you (show off-)
One it gets late though, he'd bring you back to Liyue, where he has reservations for a nice restaurant (again, rich)
He'd tell you to order anything you'd like
You two would talk about anything and everything that comes to mind, like when you met Teucer for the first time (a headcanon for another time, wink wink)
Eventually, it's late, so he will walk you home because he won't be able to sleep until he knows you got home safe
You'll talk more as you walk, and when you get to your door, it'll be the usual, "I had a great time tonight", and "I'll see you tomorrow"
10/10 he will spoil you, so please thank him by letting him lay his head on your thighs while you play with his hair
He would take you to eat lunch at Good Hunter, making idle chit-chat
He'll take you around Mondstadt and buy you anything you want, cheap or expensive
Once you've stopped by all the stores, he'll have you get on his back to walk around Mondstadt (the nation, not the city)
Near sunset, he'll take you by the hand and lead you out to Stormbearer peak to watch the sunset with him
He'll get sentimental though, and will be watching you watch the sunset
He'd be the type to say, "It's so pretty, isn't it?" while looking at you instead of the sunset
Eventually, he'll look back at the sunset and lay his head on your shoulder
You two will sit in silence until the sun goes down completely, basking in eachother's prescience
Once it gets dark, if you have a gliding license, Kaeya will suggest you glide as close to your house as possible for Stormbearer peak
If not, he'll walk you home normally
10/10 would watch the sunset with sappy Kaeya
He'd ask Childe for money so he could buy you things lmao
You two would spend a few hours walking around Liyue before he leads you somewhere outside the city
Turns out that place was Qingyun Peak, and if you're not athletic, he'd offer to carry you on his back while he climbs
He has to take more frequent breaks to regain his stamina, but it's so worth it
Once you reach the peak, he'll activate... something? You don't quite understand, but it creates a current and lifts you two higher
Now you understand why he grabbed your hand before activating it
Once you two get to the real peak, it'll be almost sunset (I'm obsessed with sunset)
He'll offer you a sandwich he managed to carry up there
You two will sit up there and enjoy the sunset for a while
After the sunset is over, if you have a wind glider, he'll glide down with you
If not, you two will go down the sane way you went up
He'll walk you to wherever you live after you reach the ground
10/10, don't need money for a good date
I hope you enjoyed! Please give me feedback and have a good day/night!
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yandere-daze · a day ago
aaa can i request izumi and female s/o thats kind of scared of him after hearing about what he did to makoto? i love ur works best friend
Hey hey!! First of all thank youuu🥺 you guys really have no idea how much it cheers me up when you guys compliment my writing sbdbdhd
I know I took a pretty long time with this so I apologize! I hope you still like what I came up with!
Also damn that's one long ass title absbs
mentions of past kidnapping, Izumi being rude
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Izumi with an s/o that's scared of him after finding out what he did to Makoto
You have been in a relationship with Izumi for a few months now, and even though he was often blunt or even rude to you, you knew that he truly loved you and only wanted the best for you, no matter what he said
Most of the time, you had been the affectionate one in the relationship, always wrapping your arms around him in a hug or planting a kiss on his cheek when he had to leave for practice. He would always grumble about how annoyingly sweet you were being but he not even once pushed you away
That is exactly why it came as a huge surprise to him when one day, you didn't come to give him his usual goodbye kiss. All he got was a sort of meek sounding farewell from the corner you were sitting in, barely even glancing at him
Izumi honestly grew quite frustrated at that but didn't want to admit he missed your usual affection. Time also wasn't on his side today so despite his concerns he had to leave so as not to be late. He would make sure to ask you about it when he got home though
The thought that something was wrong plagued him the entire knights practice session and it was very noticeable to his unitmates, seeing as he was even stricter than he usually was and lashing out more often. They too were worried for him but didn't dare say something after he once threw a nasty glare at Tsukasa when he had earnestly asked him
Izumi was very impatient on his way back home, just wanting to see you to know what's wrong. Because he knows there is. Even the past few days you had seemed more reluctant to be affectionate with him, hesitating before taking his hand when he offered it or not looking in his eyes when he was talking to you, instead nervously shifting your eyes back and forth
So when he got home, he practically slammed open the door, causing you to jump out of your seat in surprise at the sudden noise. A scowl made it's way across his face when your eyes once again looked everywhere but at him. With an annoyed sigh he made his way over to you, taking notice of how you shrank back from him when he sat down next to you
"So annoying. I'll cut right to the chase. Why are you avoiding me? And don't play dumb, I know you are"
You didn't know what to say then, it was written all over your face. You felt conflicted, not knowing how he would react when you told him. Scared even of how he would react
But with Izumi impatiently tapping his foot and his intense gaze on you, you knew you weren't going to get out of this one
So you told him what had happened
A few days ago, you met up with one of your best friends, Makoto. You two had known each other even before you got together with Izumi so you were surprised to hear that they knew each other
So when the conversation eventually shifted to your boyfriend, you had noticed that Makoto got a bit nervous and awkward. Concerned for your friend of course, you asked him what was wrong
And then he told you. About the time Izumi had kidnapped Makoto and locked him up, completely isolating him from everyone. And about how scary the whole experience was, how scary Izumi was in that moment
You were absolutely appalled upon hearing this. Your boyfriend really did that? He kidnapped one of your friends and held them there against his will? That was crazy to think about! But from how Makoto's voice was slightly shaking as he told the story, you knew he wasn't lying. Not that he would be someone to lie to you anyway
But it still felt so unreal. You knew Izumi had his oddities, but this? If you were being honest, this new information really shocked you to your core. It made you scared of him, scared of your own boyfriend. You wondered if he would ever do something like that to you as well. Just the thought of it made you shiver
Noticing your shaken state, Makoto had tried to placate you, telling you that he would never do something like that to you because he loves you but there's nothing really he can do
And that was the reason why you had been so avoidant recently with your boyfriend. You were scared
When you had finished your explanation and dared to look up from the ground again, Izumi had an unreadable expression on his face. There was complete silence for a few seconds before he finally spoke up
"So that's what was on your mind, huh? You idiot! You know you can tell me important things like that, right? Honestly, you're helpless."
Then he softened his tone of voice and continued after a deep sigh
"Y/n, I understand why you might be scared. It's something you would have never thought of me. It's been a long time since then and I have learned to be better now. I regret what I did back then and I know it wasn't the right thing to do. Believe me when I say... I've changed. And... I kind of like you so don't leave me, okay? You idiot wouldn't be able to take care of yourself on your own anyway.. "
And while his choice of words was once again quite rude, it was what you knew Izumi for and the little blush on his face told you everything you needed to know
With a small smile, you hesitantly leaned forward before wrapping your arms around your boyfriend, surprised when you feel him hug you back tightly, as if he was afraid you would leave at any second
You realized then that you felt the safest in Izumi's arms and that you would believe in him. He went through many changes but no matter what would happen, you would stay at his side
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milk-carton-whump · 3 days ago
Maybe a piece where Hayes leaves for a weekend and leaves Niner all alone? Cue lonely boi?
Ask and you shall receive! Poor niner, he's lonely and hungry D:
Tagging: @sideblogformindtrash @unicornscotty @tears-and-lilies @getyourwhumphere @cupcakes-and-pain @alliecat5594 @twistedcaretaker @heathenville @skunkandgrenade @just-a-whumping-racoon-with-wifi @cowboy-anon
CW: pet whump, dehumanization, conditioning, loneliness, starvation, isolated whumpee, unintentional disobedience
Lonely Dog
The door to Master Hayes's bedroom opened early that morning, the sound immediately caught Niner's attention. He wondered where his beloved owner was going at such an early time, it was still as dark as night outside. The pet crawled his way closer to the noises and saw that Master Hayes had a suitcase and bag, even more confusion set in. 
A soft whine escaped his throat as he watched, fear of being left behind already beginning to build in his heart. The sound clearly hadn't been expected as Master Hayes jumped at the sound, quickly turning toward it.
"Oh it's just you, mutt. I'll be back in a week, don't do anything stupid. Which I know is hard for you." 
A week? Master was going to be gone a whole week?! Another more pitiful sounding whine left the pet's throat as Master Hayes pushed past him with his suitcase and bag. Before Niner could try and beg his master to stay, The door was already locked and he was completely alone. 
Niner paced the house for hours, which turned into a day. He sat on his knees staring out the front window, hoping that maybe his owner would be back soon. 
By the next day his stomach was emptier than normal, he wasn't surprised that Master Hayes had forgotten to give him food. He hesitated but made his way to the kitchen, hoping to find some kind of food. His bowl was empty, and the one for water was already getting low. He would figure something out, his old owner never fed him, instead leaving Niner to eat whatever scraps or trash he could find. 
Niner looked around the kitchen, his stomach painfully gnawing at him from the inside. He pushed open a cabinet he was sure his food was usually stored in. To his relief there was a container with dry food in it which he pulled out of the cabinet with his teeth. As it fell, a lot of the contents spilled onto the ground which the pet couldn't resist immediately licking up off the floor. 
His stomach still felt empty and now he was alone again, Dandy elephant and his blue blanket sat up on the couch, where he had carefully placed them. In his head that talked to him, giving him some kind of companionship. Then Dandy yelled at him, he had been a bad dog and Master Hayes would be very upset to know that he ate without permission. 
He shrunk back from Dandy's harsh words, but he couldn't argue, the elephant was right. He had been bad. The pet glanced to his blue blanket, they argued with Dandy, saying that Niner needed to eat. They were sure Master Hayes might consider being kind with his punishment when he found out.
"He's a bad dog, Blanket. He knows the rules and he broke them, it's only fair he gets punished for it later." Dandy said.
"Dandy, stop it. You know he already feels guilty about it and you're only making him feel worse. He didn't mean it to be bad, he was just so hungry." Blanket replied. 
"He's acting like Russell, an absolutely useless excuse of a pet!" Dandy snapped back.
"Dandy!! You take that back! Our Niner is not that awful mongrel, Russell. Makes me mad just to say that awful name." Blanket replied quickly. 
Niner whimpered as the two argued. He really was a stupid, awful mutt, he couldn't even be good when Master wasn't there. The pet laid down, his back to the arguing objects, until their voices faded away as he drifted off to sleep. 
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pessimistcameleon · 4 days ago
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To all the people that I knew.
I don't know where to start exactly, so I'll write instead an image that I got in my head today: I am literally torn to shreds. My muscle tissues are shreddy, there are missing parts that are covered by confettis and coriandolis, and as I walk they fall to the ground, I lean closer I see them laying on the cobble stones, just like on Carnival in my childhood.
Maybe I am exaggerating, but even if I am a ghost now (maybe I was always that), I feel an extreme aching in my physical body. Recently I started to hug myself and I feel my ribcage under my fingers and I kind of love them, but I am terrified at the same time, is an unknown sensation to me. I don't trust my own touch, and human touch just feels alien, if someone touches me I am alarmed and helpless, I don't know how to vocalize my fear of being touched. I allow only the hot showers to hug me instead, even if afterwards my skin turns red and itchy, because my skin "is so delicate".
A few days ago I looked into the mirror and what I saw was a stranger, a young woman that was unrecognizable who claimed to be me. I hated her. She cried and was pathetic, just like me. I wasn't able to empathize with her, because she was hiding away with her body the features that I've always known, I wasn't able to see the child. I became alarmed about my own inner child, did it even exist? Did I imagined it?
Since a while as I wake up everyday the only thing that befriends me and decides to stick with me as the day goes is anxiety. If I am lucky sometimes it goes to sleep and I become numb to my surroundings. I can assure you that it's not only the increased coffee quantity that I am consuming because of being constantly exhausted both physically and mentally. Things like going back to the shelter where I live now or just activities that include social interaction (which are essential otherwise I wouldn't be able to go forward with my day aka my survival) just trigger me, I detach from reality and I go to swim into dreadness.
Speaking about dreadness, I searched after grounding techniques but when any intense emotion or any form of dissociation kicks in I remind myself about staying grounded, but instead I'd let myself float away, because I am a masochist after all.
To be honest I am in a loop. I find myself constantly thinking about the past, because I am reminded about it by my surroundings but also because the past feels more secure and tangingle than my hollow present and non-existent future. I acknowledge the fact that the past has also painful traces in it, I already struggled during those times with mental health issues (I was especially minimizing my own concerns, as a result of my emotional responses I was considered over-dramatic), but I still had a sense of purpose, I was interested in many things and I was very hopeful about the person that I want to become. But the memories and any element connected to each one of them act as a stabbing knife, as a result I grieve myself even more. The events of my life seem like they belong to another person and not me.
Nowadays I dissociated myself from the person I was: I have no dreams and aspirations anymore, I isolated myself from everyone because is too much for both of me and the other person, and the situation I am in alienates me from every individual who has a stable background, has goals and human connections. I am unable to define myself on an individual level, I've come to the conclusion that I always identified myself with my own emotions and based my own self-knowledge on external information claiming that I am highly self-aware, which considered from my present perspective is funny, because beside the things that I've mentioned above seems like I have 0 personality traits, like I am the embodiment of a fluid presence with no defined characteristics.
I faded into nothingness and I am still pretending, in the presence of those who help me, to have the will to achieve my future goals (which as I said, now they don't exist, they just disintegrated) since "I am young and I can't waste my potential".
If I achieve something that is relevant to my survival all I feel is emptiness and suspicion. Very often I feel threatened by every act of kindness resulting into a hidden and more complex form of sabotage.
Not to mention my random attachment that I develop towards certain individuals that feel like an anchor right at the moment, and ironically I still find myself searching for clues that they'll give up on me soon. My so said strategy is to avoid attachment and antagonizing them in my mind.
I know that the reaction after this reading must be: pls, go and seek a therapist. I asssure you, I am already doing that.
I guess I am alive, but I am not present. So take this as an explanation for my recent absence and behavior maybe.
I don't know what was my goal with this post, but to the people who will see this: a part of me still misses you, but I am afraid that is already late for me to be human again.
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tsunderehokage · 6 days ago
Let Go | Prologue
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Pairing: Kakashi Hatake x f!reader Word count: 943 Summary: Y/N Senju was tired of her life. Within three months, she was no longer the happy, passionate girl everyone once knew. She had grown bitter and cold, feeling isolated from the village that she swore to protect. She decides to choose her own path for once instead of living the way she has.
CW: Angst, swearing, mentions of pregnancy, Kakashi is kind of an asshole, reader is angry, No mentions of depression but it's implied, idek im dummy i'll add more here
A/N: Hiiiiii so I've had this idea for a minute and Ik I said I had a different Kakashi story coming up but I wanted to get this written down before I would forget! Please pls plsssss tell me what you guys think :) Also I know my blog is primarily yandere, but this story isn't like that. I didn't want to post on my main account because its honestly a mess and I don't want to write on there anymore. Edit: this was inspired by the song Let Go by Frou Frou :)
Also! This was posted on my other account but I wanted to post it on this one since it doesn't contain dark content. Sorry for the repost woops. idk why it’s spaced out so weird?? i tried fixing it but ah so sorry
It's not your fault that everything in your life came crashing down, but you still felt responsible for everything that had happened in the last three months. Everything that had lead to this fateful night, far away from your home in Konoha. You had the choice to leave, and why wouldn't you? The opportunity was practically calling your name, you were deep in The Land of Tea, which took days to get to from Konoha, and there was a storm coming from deeper in the country that would erase all trace of your scent. It was a simple stealth mission, take out some bandits terrorizing a village, then go back home. You stood on a split path, the right giving you a safe travel back home, the left to the great unknown. If you treaded further into the land of Tea, surely you would find a boat to board on, right? Maybe you could visit Tsukigakure, you heard they welcomed everyone and it was far enough from home...
Would your mother be upset? Of course she would. Lady Tsunade would make sure that Konoha would face her wrath, even if it's temporarily. Then again, you could just send her a letter explaining that you were safe. Safe, and hopefully happy once again. Really, the only person who could catch onto you is Sasuke Uchiha, but even then that risk would be minor. He rarely contacts the village as it is, but the Hokage would surely...
No, don't think about him. You'll make this harder for yourself!
But you're doing this because of him, you can't deny it.
I'm not denying it, I want to get away from him- it! The village in general. You know they're treating you like this because of him...
The internal conflict within your head ceased, finally giving you a moments peace. Over the course of three months, your life had a drastic change because of Kakashi Hatake, the current Hokage of Konohagakure. Kakashi Hatake, the legendary copy-nin, wielder of a thousand jutsus, and the man who broke your heart three months ago. He didn't give you much of an explanation, only saying, "It's better if we had some time apart, my position is stressing the both of us out, and I don't want to hurt you like this, Y/N..."
Then why was he already seen with another woman two weeks later? He seemed perfectly fine with her- what was her name? Zahara?- But he wasn't two weeks prior when you were in the picture? Bullshit. It was a bullshit excuse and he knew it, you both did.
You're telling me that you're okay with going back to the village that judges you solely for being the Hokage's ex? The man who moved on from you within a month, and started giving you low-ranked missions out of spite? Hell! Naruto won't even speak to you anymore and you practically raised that kid! Why the fuck are you okay with this? What? Do you think you'll go back and he'll change his mind? Y/N, grow up, choose your own path for once, and maybe I'll finally get rid of this bitter taste! You don't owe Konoha shit, you don't owe Kakashi shit, the only person you need to focus on right now is you! You, and the child that's growing inside of your body. Your voice of reason stayed quiet, no longer feeling rational. Would you even be considered a rogue if you had no ill intensions? And besides, everyone seemed fine the way they are right now. Kakashi has a new lover, he doesn't need his old one coming in and ruining everything with her baggage, not to mention the fucking child growing inside of you. Even if he did help create the life inside of you, he never wanted children to begin with. Your mom had Shizune, she could suffice for now. As long as Tsunade wasn't completely alone, everything would be okay. Your father was long dead, but you knew he would encourage you to choose your own happiness. Fuck, I missed traveling with him so much...
Naruto no longer spoke to you as well, he would try of course, but he would either excuse himself within five minutes or already have an excuse before hand. I practically raise that little brat and what do I get out of it now that I need him the most? Nothing. Of course you still loved him like a brother, but it wasn't the same anymore. His love for you paled in comparison to the love he had for his cool, extraordinary sensei. It still hurts though. You raised hell on Hiruzen for letting the poor boy live alone in an Apartment. You had your mothers flame, that was for certain. You were the first one to show Naruto Uzumaki love, so much so that he would accidentally call you 'mom' at times. Now it was all thrown away, all because of him. Were you really leaving much behind? All you had to do was take off the headband... You could destroy it later, no one would know who you are or where you come from. You had enough money to get new clothes and stay on your feet until you could stay somewhere more permanently. Jiriaya was a wealthy man, he left almost all of his money to you in his will. Bless his poor soul... Fuck it, I'm going left, I'll figure things out with my mother later. And so you chose the left path, the direction of the storm that would eventually destroy the evidence that Y/N Senju was there to begin with.
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meowfiles · 6 days ago
i think i will keep tumblr so i don't die completely of boredom,, i'm going to try to get out of the house more and just shop for myself so i don't feel super isolated during this time because if i end up making the issue worse that would suck 😐 so instead of drawing in my room i'll draw at the park or coffee shop i think that's a good idea
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betwixtofficial · 7 days ago
OKAY- I swore I was going to do this, and I have an hour before I have to leave the house.
This is detailing where I'm at and where I'm stuck
the world of Betwixt is strongly based on the Olympic Peninsula and Seattle in Washington State. I've shoved them closer together and renamed cities and towns, and remade them in ways that strengthen things I love about them, and minimize the things I dislike or don't feel like writing about. But it's VERY much the same vibes as each place.
Seattle got some Vancouver BC vibes and is now Skyway City - More futuristic but also grittier, and an even bigger art and music industry than already exists, and I've added a full fledged fashion district and a more robust nightlife. Also, Seattle Underground is more than just a weird tourist attraction.
Port Angeles is now Emerald- Stranger, grungier, more blue collar, tighter knit, fewer subways, just as many coffee stands, fewer tourists, bigger Salish/S'klallam influence, but maybe the biggest change is that it's a 1 hour drive and one ferry ride from Emerald to Skyway City instead of a 3 hour drive/ferry from P.A. to Seattle.
Port Townsend is now Port Chastaine- just as weird, but now with more money and more magic. I feel like there's a hidden war for the soul of Port Chastaine. The moneyed gentry against the anarchist mutual aid people. It'll be fun. Also HUGE concentration of magic users here.
Forks is now called Rain- WAY grittier, way darker, more isolated. more loggers, more old fashioned, more horror, far far fewer sparkly vampires, like none.
Sequim is now called Lavender Valley- more rundown, less weirdly gritty, less weirdly plastic, fewer chain stores, more farmers, more flea markets, I don't know if or when it will show up, but there it is.
This is going to get too long, so I'll post this and continue when I get home. Hopefully.
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ask-kotoko-utsugi · 7 days ago
Have you ever thought about capturing a bunch of adults and releasing them in a forest or isolated area for a literally hunting game? No chance in hell I'll being it though *runs away*
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"Yeah, actually! The Warriors Of Hope used to do that all the time! If I remember correctly, I had the most kills out of all five of us! Masaru second, Jataro third, Nagisa fourth, and Monaca last, because of her wheelchair! Or we forced them to kill each other instead!"
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thehealingplum · 10 days ago
Any of my mutuals have discord servers where it's. Adults only. And very friendly. I'm trying to break away from social media and instead staying in places where there's more control over what I see. I enjoy spending time with folks but this is where they are and I am much too traumatized to stay.
I'll probably end up moving to tumblr alternatives. I need the constant interaction during this time of isolation.
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nexyra · 10 days ago
RWBY's Love Language - Part 1
Okay so I'm very new to Tumblr and that means I don't know yet how everything works lol So this is kind of supposed to be a reblog except if I use reblogs then it won't show up in the main tags and I spent too much time on it for that soo; here goes (and I'll edit my reblog afterwards) Inspired by greenteaandtattoos' post "Everyone has a different way to express their affection towards someone. This is called a love language. Each person has a different one. Not everyone expresses their love through intimate physical contact. Some enjoy praises, and others find the strongest love through hugs." What would be everyone's love language in RWBY then ? Here's my opinion !
Ruby Rose
Ruby's main love language would be Words of Affirmation ! From her tendency for optimistic speeches to how honest she is in her relationships, I think a lot points to that really. Her love is freely given, and she is earnest in a way that enables her comfort to land & reassure. Touch is used a lot within RWBY to symbolize the bonds between people and Ruby isn't an exception. But in her case it's aaaalways paired with words and a heartfelt talk. If you're feeling down one way or another, you only have to ask Ruby and she'll tell you just how incredible you are and how to find the strenght to keep going. (Also particularly visible with Penny & Oscar. Whether romantic or platonic one thing is for sure : these three deserve each other <3 )
“You think just because you've got nuts and bolts instead of squishy guts makes you any less real than me?”
“Alright! Come on team, let's do this!”
“Hey, Oscar? This isn't gonna be easy, but the fact that you're even trying says a lot about you. You're braver than you think.”
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-------------------------------------- Weiss Schnee
For our resident Ice Queen, I would lean more toward Quality Time. During her convo with Yang, Weiss expresses a sense of loss at how isolated she felt in her own house despite everyone living together mostly because there was a strong lack of family time. "Separate lunches & dinners, then it was no recitals..." In general, Weiss' relationships really shine when she's allowed a moment to just BE with the person she cares about. These scenes are rather diverse but still boil down to simply spending time with others. May it be by listening to Yang, making coffee for everyone, going to the movie with Oscar & Jaune or training with Winter... All of these are show of love in Weiss' eyes.
“I would do anything for you three, and I'm willing to bet Blake feels the same way. So, when she's ready, I'll be there for her. And I know we're not as close, but... I'm here for you too.” “It was really good to see you, Winter.” “I've always wanted bunk beds as a kid.”
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-------------------------------------- Blake Belladonna
I'm much less sure of what Blake's preferred love language would be.. Partly because I feel like she mirrors others a lot. And because of that I don't know how much of it is her own preference. However, for lack of a counter-example I'll say that Blake does seem to have a thing for Physical Touch. She feels safe in her father's arm, she reciprocates Sun's shoulder comfort, Yang & her have many soft touches together and group hugs are the best. I'm not quite certain of how much Blake initiates in this kind of love conversation but it's safe to say she doesn't have an aversion to it. On the countrary !
“Shut up! Do you think I like being alone? Every day... every day I think about them! Ruby, Weiss, Yang... they were my friends! I loved them like I never thought I could love anybody. And I hope they hate me for leaving.” “It's about time I saved my friends for once.” “I don't have a choice. I have people who actually care about me, and I promised I'd never leave them again. So I'm not dying now.”
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-------------------------------------- Yang Xiao-Long
For our local hand-to-hand fighter I have to go with Physical Touch ! Out of everyone in team RWBY, Yang is the one who communicates the most through all kind of touches. Linking hands, forehead touches, hugs and even sparring, the sunny dragon shows her care with her whole self and others naturally reciprocate that language. Yang isn't the most eloquent with her affection, and conversation can be hard because she's got opinions and isn't scared of showing them. But her touches are especially tender and always go beyond the simple act of hugging. It's a melody of "I missed you too", "I forgive you" and "I love you" all wrapped up in the softest brush of hands; and I'm certain it's what matters most to her.
“You can spout off whatever you want, but nothing is going to keep me from my sister.” “I've missed you, too.” “No one blamed her for anything! If she had just talked to us, she would've known that! How could I be there for her if she doesn't let me? What if I needed her here for me?”
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-------------------------------------- Lie Ren
Lie Ren (why does no one in the show call him by his 1st name actually ? Were we ever given a reason ? It's weird. Anyway - ) Lie Ren sucks at talking. Emoting is not his forte, grand displays of love though hugs and tender words either. But one thing is for sure : you can count on him for everything else. He's the responsible one. When Oscar is in trouble, Ren is the most hellbent on saving him. He's the cook of the group, as well as an open ear to anyone who might need one. Acts of Service is the way he shows how much he cares day by day. And though he could certainly stands to get better at articulating how he feels... Being the best partner you can be and making sure you're always here to help when needed is just as important.
“No, it's not. He's our friend. We will do whatever it takes to find him, because we care about him. No one is replaceable ! ” “I've been so...angry, at myself. For not being as good as the Ace Ops, for what happened at Robyn's rally, for losing the lamp. I thought if I just focused on working harder, getting stronger, that we...I, wouldn't fail. ” “You know I've... never... been really good with talking.”
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-------------------------------------- Penny Polendina
For our resident and lovely Penny, I'll have to go with Physical Touch and Acts of Service ! From the very beginning, Penny has had a passion for tight hugs, tackles, fist bumps and let's not forget... hand-holding. Our favorite robot loves nothing more than to share comforting touches with others, and the care that shows through them. And NO I don't buy the whole "never felt the warmth of hug before getting a human body", take that canon elsewhere and throw it in the trash ! Penny has always been enthusiastic and loving; and it's though physical touch that she's best comforted. Additionally, Penny took the sentence of "always help your friends" right to the next level, and you can be certain that if there's anything she can do for you, any way to help... She'll get right to it, and you have absolutely no chance of deterring her.
That's terrible! Well, don't you worry, Ruby my friend! I won't rest until we find your teammate!” “That is not... I choose to fight for the people who care about me.” “I won’t be gone, I’ll be part of you.”
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Also Penny more than deserve a second gif for how wonderful she is, so take it and not a word.
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-------------------------------------- Jaune Arc
And then it's Vomit Boy time as they say. If you're thinking "wow we're really lacking in the Gift Giving love language" well... You're right. Since no one ever gives others gifts in RWBY, I feel like that's the hardest to guess lol. However, among our heroes Jaune in particular seems to care about material memories in more tangible ways than the other. He rebuilt his sword around Pyrrha's weapons, and kept her red sash as well. It seems highly plausible then than Gift Giving might be a way for him to show care & affection as long as he's allowed to put a lot of thought in the gift. Other than that, I'd say Words of Affirmation is a safe bet as well : him and Ruby are certainly good at tag-teaming to lift the other up along the way of a conversation.
“I guess... I'm just trying to say that... you've always been there for me... even when I didn't deserve it. And I can tell there's something on your mind, so... I don't know. How can I help?” “You didn't drag us along. You gave us the courage to follow you.” “Ruby is your sister, she's always going to love you even if you disagree with each other.”
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-------------------------------------- Nora Valkyrie
Nora, Nora, Nora... Is anyone really surprised by this conclusion ? I should hope not because it's one of the easiest to notice ! Physical Touch is Nora's go-to way of showing her care to others. She's the glue in JNR group hugs, Oscar probably has a few bruised ribs because of the strenght of her taclking hugs, she initiated the Boopness in her relationship with Ren and she's always delighted with getting back some of that physical affection. While Nora could probably stand to learn to tone it down a little for the sake of those who are not as comfortable with this kind of discussion, she's still a lovely girl and has a good grasp on emotionnal intelligence overall. She's earnest and caring and gives her all in her relationships, and even Oscar is able to appreciate her hugs when her enthusiasm takes the backseat to her gentleness <3
“No. I won't let you kill yourself like this. After everything we've been through, I won't let it end.”
“We... heard what you said to Cinder, at Haven. You're not being fair to yourself. We love you, just like we loved Pyrrha. We're teammates, family.”
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I'll most likely do Emerald and Oscar in another post with more characters <3 (I love Oscar to pieces but this is getting awfully long haha). Until next time !
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newtreefarm · 10 days ago
When I moved back to California, I did so not wanting to. I wanted to be with my family, but not in California. I have never liked California. So, I moved here with the intention of leaving again just as soon as the Lord would let me. My dream was moving to Texas. But then, so many Californians started moving there, I felt like it was no longer really Texas anymore. Then, I wanted to go to Tennessee or Michigan. Then mom had her stroke.
I never really put down roots here. Before we moved, I put down some roots for my son. Then I started putting some down for myself too, only it turned out to be the wrong place. I found a better place for both of us, but then I got sick. My kiddo thrived in our new church and co-op, but I stayed isolated. I did what I had to for him, but nothing for me.
When we moved here, it was more of the same. I felt like we weren't going to be here very long, so I shouldn't put down my roots here either. We finally found a good co-op for the boy, but I didn't attach myself. Part of it was that I had been sick for so long. Part of it was that it had been so long since I'd had friends of my own that I forgot how to relate to people. Prolonged isolation can be emotionally dangerous.
This year changed everything. I started teaching again. Teaching thrust me out of isolation. I had to talk to people again. I started connecting a little. My connections led to teaching again next year and to being trained in how to coordinate a PSP. Now I'll have to meet most of the new families and develop relationships with many of the current ones. I'll have to come out of the shadows and into the light. Into the spotlight sometimes too. I'm scared. I'm excited too.
Tonight, I finally gave up. I told the Lord that I would stay in California if He wants me to. Mom needs me now and can't even consider moving at the moment. I asked Him something in return. I asked Him for a version of the life I dream of having elsewhere. Right here in California. Land. Space. Living next door to mom instead of with her. I need my own home again. I need my family. I need to be able to visit my extended family back east. I need to be able to pay for all of it while still homeschooling my son. I now believe I'm supposed to homeschool him through high school. I gave that up too. I'm ready to live in my own life. There's more to my request, but it's not for writing here yet. In short, I need to move my dream to California for as long as He wants me to stay here.
I still want to leave this state someday. However, I'm willing to stay as long as He tells me to. I just need to be able to live the life He's put in my heart while I'm here. My someday needs to become today.
So, now we see where the road leads from tonight into tomorrow's today. None of this is possible for me. However, all of it is easy for Him. Let's watch and see His handiwork. Who's with me?
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leafstergoalz · 11 days ago
bfdi overration stereotypes and my full opinion on firey and fireafy.
so i take one look at tumblr homepage go 'ffs.' and think people love firey but hate steve cobbs? firey replaces objects steve cobbs replaces objects firey is manipulative steve cobbs is manipulative firey has left objects out steve cobbs has left objects out firey is somewhat abusive steve cobbs is somewhat abusive i dont get it. both suck as object beings. people love firey but hate steve cobbs. stop smooching him hes just as bad as any villain. bfb portrays him as a hero, while ii portrays steve cobbs as a villain. they are the same object I am SO convinced. i literally saw someone (not naming them) on my dashboard say 'im a fireafy shipper!' and say 'mephone is a trauma victim omg' despite liking an abusive ship and an abuser. mephone IS a trauma victim, they don't qualify leafy as one. bfdi is so popular but not even a quarter of the fanbase understands how toxic fireafy is and how disgusting firey is. please bring awareness to people and reblog this if you're part of the fanbase that understands! if you don't understand, i'll explain it. firey kills leafy(sure this is unknowingly but it's toxic)
leafy is obviously terrified for her life and he gets angry at her trying to survive something impossible. she was obviously up to make him happy but not with murder. he forbids her from her dream that she'd waited ages for. she gets angry and ruins it for everyone else through her seething rightful rage firey then starts her being wanted just because he was so selfish he made a big deal about it bfdia he gets her assassinated on multiple occasions knowingly, and doesn't care despite rathering their friendship over [redacted] apparently so he just lets her die he gets her isolated from most of her best friends, causing her to commit murder and accidentally frame someone else for it idfb firey is rightfully trapped because everyone realises this is his fault. bfb firey continues ignoring her despite her attempts to reach him. she wants to keep the friendship ongoing. in bfb XX he saves her and tells her he rathers his reputation over being associated with the 'lunatic' who stole [redacted]. this clearly and rightfully upsets her. in bfb XX he gives her semi-major 5 second panic by standing there and being happy. that's it. in bfb XX he tells her 'we need to talk :O' framing her for stealing [redacted but not the thing i mentioned before] before this. he goes on to gaslight her for stealing [redacted] and tells her that it's all her fault. he apologises, but it seems super fake. he then makes her say she stole [redacted but not the thing i mentioned here] instead of him to cover on him because she thinks he's true. he gets a full on unneccesary apology from her, 'rebuilding' the bridge he left for 10+ years. plus: he gives leafy obvious trauma seen in bfb 2-4. she always wants to be kind and treat people well because she'd never experienced that. fireafy is an all-over-the-place toxic ship. my final opinion is that the only canon approach is that Leafy has a crush on him and he uses it to manipulate her. hope people who didn't understand do now! I understand not having the depth of detail like I do so I just wanna help people see this o^^o
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playingwiththeunknown · 11 days ago
I'm tempted to leave my job and go off and do something else so I asked my guides.
What if I stayed another year?
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Isolation from others. Conflict. Which is like no duh. I got the clear quartz in both of these which I see as healing and a general improvement. I see me feeling caged or trapped. Again no duh. I need to keep faith. I'm really thinking of delving deeper into deity worship. I'll have to stay strong and persevere. I'll make decent money. I'll have to have faith and believe in myself. Improve my own self confidence. Break out of my own shell and grow into my own. Theres a prize at the end. The reward will be worth it. Im going to be an aunt?? I've been hearing that for over a year.
What will happen if I quit and go try to find a new job?
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Once again the clear quartz. So healing. Theres a ton of conflict here. Like all over the place. Having to fight tooth and nail. Something medical will happen. Like an injury or an illness. Me turning to drinking. Having to work my ass off and be busy as hell. There is some love in here. I'll meet some new friends. Being weighed down by burdens. Somehow the government is involved. Perhaps I get a government job or something.
I also did this spell
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I was visited by Hekate and pretty much told to bide my time for another year. Plan it out all carefully instead of just running now.
No matter what I decide I'm going to suffer. I wish I knew what I wanted. I'm approaching my Saturn return and I feel like I'm at a big turning point in my life. I'm scared mostly.
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