#but i was already down bc we share a friend group (needless to say she did introduce me to them!!)

[missturtleduck]

hi i saw ur requests were open and i would love if u could do a sokka x reader :) where reader is really shy and he likes to tease her and flirt with her to see her all flustered but she denies him actually liking her bc she thinks it’s just his personality to be funny like that. but then there’s the classic oh no there’s only one bed thing? thank you!

Ooooh I loved writing this! Tropes? Love them. Fluff? So fun, so sweet. I hope you enjoy, anon, and have a very happy holiday! <3

Teasing

Sokka x shy!Reader

It was a well-known fact that Sokka was a tease.

Now, he wasn’t a tease in the common sense, more that he took some joy in being a so-called comedian. Y/N seemed to be the person in their gang that got the brunt of his teasing. Every time he came up with some sarcastic quip, she would laugh along with everyone else – though most of the time she was the only one who found him funny – but then there were the other times.

She had been sparring with Zuko, who was surprisingly adept with swords for a bender, when Sokka had come by whistling with faux innocence. As he took a seat on the floor, his eyes were trained on the fight. Feeling his blue-eyed gaze boring into her, she felt her entire body flush. Steadying her breathing, Y/N pushed down the flustered flutter bats inhabiting her stomach. A frustrated cry escaped her lips as she pinned Zuko’s blades to the floor with her own.

“Sokka,” She breathed out, hating how hot she felt. “Sokka, w-what are you doing?”

He grinned. “Just enjoying the view. You know, I always thought red was Zuko’s colour, but you are boasting a lovely shade today.”

Absently, Y/N put a palm to her face, only becoming more flustered as she realised her skin had in fact became darker. As the blood rushed faster through her body, she looked desperately at Zuko for some reprieve.

“Sokka, are you here for any reason other than being a complete clown?” Zuko said, sighing in pure exasperation even as Y/N had him pinned.

The boy ignored him completely. “Has anyone ever told just how adorable you are? Because you really are.”

“Sokka,” Zuko said again, his voice less patient. “Go away before we make you.”

“Alright, alright,” He tutted, hands in the air as if in surrender. “I’ll leave you two to your dance lessons. Call me if you fall; I’ll come and catch you.”

Waiting for him to be out of earshot, Y/N groaned, dropping her sword and freeing Zuko. Her entire face was on fire. Sure, it was a metaphor, a hyperbolic one at that, but if Zuko decided to shove his ignited palm in her face, it would not manage to be as hot as she was feeling now. It might be slightly less sweaty. Ew.

Lowering herself to the ground, she sat, stretching out her aching limbs, pouring water over her roasting head. Y/N, needless to say, was mortified by Sokka’s teasing, but when was she not? She was somewhat shyer than her female friends; Katara had this maternal instinct about her that kicked into overdrive as soon as someone seemed needy. It was honestly scarier than the Avatar State. Toph was just... Toph. The girl was at least four years younger than Y/N and utterly terrifying, approaching people and situations with no fear. Then there was Suki. Suki had a knack of getting people to like her, being the loveable, charismatic leader, she was.

And that left Y/N.

Y/N struggled being heard in many a conversation. Ask her to take a compliment? No. No. Not happening. No thank you. Her shy demeanour was labelled cute by a few different people, though they all seemed to be joking – especially Sokka.

“Do you want me to sort him out for you?”

Y/N looked up, meeting Zuko’s very serious gaze for just a moment before staring at the ground. “No, it’s okay. He’s like that with everyone.”

“What?” Zuko frowned, slumping to the ground too. “What are you on about? He doesn’t flirt with everyone!”

“That wasn’t flirting!” She insisted, feeling that bashful flush creeping in again. 

“He was just teasing, like he does with everyone!”

Zuko’s lips quirked. “He called you adorable.”

“Yesterday, he called Momo adorable.”

“He said you flushed was your colour.”

“And he said that red was yours, sunshine.”

“Oh, Y/N, I’ll catch you if you fall!”

Y/N stammered. “He could have been talking to either of us!”

There was some silence between them. Y/N didn’t usually mind sitting in silence with Zuko, who was just as awkward as her most of the time. However, the wide, toothy grin like a catgator’s was highly disconcerting.

“Zuko, I don’t know what you’re seeing, but he wasn’t flirting,” Y/N said finally, quietly commanding. “He’s just messing around like he usually does.”

The prince sighed, suppressing his mischievous grin. Raising his swords, the pair charged each other again.

                                                      ✦

In the midst of a war, there wasn’t much space for fun. With the constant movement between the Western Air Temple and many significant locations to build their defences after the Day of Black Sun, Y/N found she hardly had time for anything other than training and strategizing. Sure, she may be considered meek when compared to her peers, but her mind was sharper than her blade.

After watching Aang master firebending, Sokka masterminding a prison break, and Katara nearly murdering a man – all with Zuko’s help – she had some whiplash. She might even say that she had been somewhat blindsided by them, but she didn’t particularly mind. It was when they moved onto Ember Island, however, that Y/N found there to be an issue. In all the excitement, or terror, of being separated from Haru and the others, and possibly murdering Sparky Sparky Boom Man, the gang ended up hiding out on Ember Island.

Spirits, did Y/N love the sunshine. The sand? Not so much, nor the swimsuits. Nevertheless, she much preferred it to Aang’s beloved ancestral temple.

“Okay,” Zuko said as they all collected together in the house, “So there’s a bit of an issue.”

“Fire Nation?” Katara asked, eyes narrowing.

“Worse,” Zuko said, voice grave. “There are seven of us, and only six beds.”

The teenagers all looked between each other with varying looks of embarrassment and disgust. It was Toph who spoke first.

“Well, I for one do not want to share a room,” She scoffed, stomping her foot – a reminder of her power. “I can already hear all of you when we sleep on the ground. I am not missing out on my chance for a quiet night of sleep.”

“That seems fair,” Zuko hummed as he pulled a hat off of a dresser. “Everyone else, unless they have some reason why not, will put their name in here.”

Sokka whined, pointing his finger at the heir of the Fire Nation. “Fine! But they should get the biggest bedroom.”

Y/N swore Zuko smirked. “Done.”

Sat on the floor watching him write names, the group waited anxiously to see who would be sharing a room at least for that night. Mixing up bits of paper, he seemed to be building up some bravado, akin to a showman about to pull a jackalope out of a hat.

“Sokka.”

The boy cursed under his breath as Zuko continued on with his little show, the piece of paper disintegrating as easily as a leaf floating in a breeze.

“And Y/N!”

She met Zuko’s eye, entire body hot, sending a psychic message along the lines of sprits, no, Zuko, no, please, Zuko, don’t do this.

Despite the fact that Y/N knew Sokka was only joking with his teasing, somewhere along the line she had ended up falling for it – for him. It was sudden and violent, the way a meteor crashed through the atmosphere, roaring, brilliant, and completely obliterating anything in its path. Currently, Y/N was that metaphorical meteorite, burning up and crashing into the earth.

Since Zuko apparently couldn’t read minds, she chanced a glance at Sokka. She expected some sort of joke, a quip, anything. Instead, he was deadly silent, stony in his face, staring too at Zuko. Was he blushing, or was she making it up in her head? This question soon slipped from her brain as she those baby blue eyes were staring straight at her.

Tui and La, Agni, spirits above; he hated her.

“Cool!” She said, though it came out more like a squeak. “I’ll see you tonight, I guess.”

“Y/N, we have the entire day before- “

She cut Suki off. “Yep, busy today! Busy, busy, busy. Plenty of strategic planning to do before the big day!”

And she was gone. Even Aang, renowned creator of the air scooter, had never seen a person move so fast, and Y/N wasn’t even a bender. In her haste, she didn’t catch the sly looks, nor the disapproving one courtesy of Katara. She definitely didn’t catch the shy grin on Sokka’s face, muddled with complete embarrassment. Getting as far away from the house as possible was her current goal, and she achieved it with insane speed – and longevity.

For an entire day, Y/N managed to see none of her friends, excluding Appa and Momo. Her animal friends seemed very concerned and very interested in her noughts and crosses diagrams in the black volcanic sand of Ember Island. It was only when Yue began to rise above the horizon that she thought it would be safe to come out. With what felt like a walk of shame, she trekked back to the beach house, a sleeping Momo cradled in her arms like a baby. Even Appa, who had been occupied with all sorts of made-up games throughout the day, was beginning to sway, eyes drooping, weighed down by sleep. Settling them down in the warm sand, Y/N climbed the wooden stairs.

Being quiet used to get her everywhere unseen; it didn’t work that night. Wordless, her friends’ good night wishes falling on deaf ears, she entered the biggest bedroom, alone. Falling face first onto the bed, she muffled a frustrated scream into one of the too many decadent pillows adorning it. Heaving herself onto her back, Y/N groaned dramatically with the effort it took. This bed was so soft. She tried to think of a more comfy, luxurious bed she had ever been on – and failed. The four-poster frame was casting odd shadows across the dark room. It felt especially lonely.

She felt especially lonely.

Sitting up, a low rumble filled the silence. Her stomach was apparently rather unhappy with the distinct lack of food during the day. Y/N had forgotten about that. She weighed up the options; go out and face embarrassment, or skip dinner for the first time in her life. Fortunately, she needn’t think long.

“So, everyone’s going to bed, and I remembered you hadn’t eaten.”

Sokka.

Of course.

“Oh,” Was all she could manage, mentally kicking herself for her utter lack of articulation. “Th-thanks, Sokka.”

Flicking on the light, the shadows no longer seemed odd, nor did the room feel lonely. There, in the doorway, stood Sokka. He was pretty – something that always took Y/N by surprise even though she saw him every day. Sure, he hadn’t grown into his gangly limbs yet, but he was getting there. His shoulders had gotten broader, his arms larger from training. She couldn’t help but imagine how comfy he’d be to lie against, how warm his hold would be.

“I brought snacks?”

Opening her mouth only to close it again, Y/N felt like a fish thrown mercilessly out of water. Instead, she managed a timid pat on the bed. He was slow to react, slower to move, and she only felt more inadequate. Whatever Zuko thought he saw at the temple was wrong.

“Wow, this bed is soft,” Sokka gasped, bouncing lightly on it like a small child. “It’s like sitting on a cloud!”

Y/N couldn’t stop the giggle that passed her lips as she took a slice of fruit from the platter he had brought in. For the briefest moment, infinitesimally small, Sokka ceased with his childish antics and just looked. Brightening, he seemed to thrive – delight – in her laughter, continuing to goof about with the numerous pillows and posh looking decor.

“Whoa.”

Y/N looked up at him from her laughing, stomach aching with joy. “What?”

“I didn’t know you could get prettier,” He said, brows furrowed, eyes sparkling.

She turned mute in an instant, feeling that all too familiar flush again, only this time it was close – more intense. Silent, she took another piece of fruit, eating it in moments, anything to give her time. “You’re teasing me again, aren’t you?”

He frowned. “What? No. I’m not- “

“It’s okay if you are!” Y/N insisted, her smile plastered on and her heart aching. “I know you joke about with us all, and it’s just how you are. It’s not a bad thing, and I know you’re just joking and- “

“Y/N,” Sokka said, almost incredulous. “I’m not joking. I have never joked about that kind of thing with you.”

She stopped dead. “What?”

It wasn’t a question – well, not to Sokka at least. That one word was her address to the universe. It was astonishment, frustration, incredulity, sheer joy, so many emotions all wrapped into one simple word. The moments that passed between that word and their locked gaze spoke a thousand more words, sang a hundred more emotions.  

“You didn’t know?”

Her head was empty. “Prettier?”

“That’s what I said, isn’t it?” Sokka chuckled weakly, moving the platter to the side.

“Prettier,” Y/N repeated slowly, looking up at him, “As in I was already pretty?”

“Erm, yes?”

“You think I’m pretty?”

“Tui and La, yes.”

Oh.

“Okay,” She said, testing the waters, “And you like it when I blush?”

“Yeah, you look cute,” He admitted, sheepish as he rubbed the back of his neck.

Looking down, bashful, she recalled training with Zuko. “The word you used was adorable.”

No words came in response to that, only a gentle hand on her cheek. Guiding her face up, Sokka looked at her and saw her. Y/N could see him reaching for words that danced in his mind and away from his grasp, so many more pretty, teasing words he could say. But he wasn’t teasing, not really. He certainly wasn’t when he pressed his lips to hers. It was sweet and easy to melt into; she didn’t need to be shy, not with him.

They shared more sweet kisses, laughing under the moonlight in that fancy bed they got to share. Fruit, a bed, kisses; they shared them all, drifting into an easy sleep as the moon began to slip away into daylight. Basking in the prospect of a lazy morning, they made the most of it.

They weren’t even mad when they found out Zuko rigged the entire thing.

#atla #fic request #anon request #sokka x reader #sokka x shy!reader #the beach #sokka #platonic zuko x reader #fluff #aang #katara #toph #suki #oneshot #missturtleduck

[cosmosrival]

Rico besides Kama what do you think about the other indian servants?????

AHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS GOING TO GET SOOOO LONG!!!! i have a different view of the indo fam as a whole. i call them the indo fam but i mean the found family trope!!!! theyre like a group of college students sharing a dorm if that makes sense, since their servant selves are obviously different from their initial myths/human vessels!!!

OK SO. RECENTLY, i have an oomf that found books about arjuna that summarize his exploits in the mahabharata(I DONT HAVE THE STRENGTH TO READ IT ALL IM SO SORRY) and also talk about him in a more philosphical manner such as his states of mind during each event etc and i’ve been meaning to read said book because im genuinely interested in arjuna now!!! and i’d like to know more about this indo prince because from what i’ve seen, he is portrayed in a rather bad light(?) in FGO which i find extremely !!!!!!!!!!! and incrdibley !!!!!!! strange !!!!!!! the mahabharata’s conflicts can be put in a mostly grey area where there’s no good nor bad, its not black and white. so seeing arjuna get bashed because of the way his conflict with karna was written is... hm. let’s say that im REALLY starting to understand arjuna fans that dislike seeing him get mischaracterized so much. OTHER THAN THAT, his design is adorable, his travel outfit is my favourite because he deserves to relax and have some fun!!! fgo making him a chuuni is cute and his VAs little moans are cute cute cute!!!!!!!!!!! (mash grabs my shoulder and forces me to sit down) i think that arjuna deserves better and im really happy to see him have fun in his travel costume voicelines. i think we should take arjun on a date!!! he’s a great lover, we’d have the best time!! OH ALSO, kama seeing him as the student council president in their interlude makes me SOOOOOOO HAPPY its unreal, i think it fits him very very well, the seitokaichou who was elected because of everyone’s hopes and recommended by teachers because he’s suuuch a good student but because of that, the pressure to be good is constantly towering over his head and everytime he looks out the window he wishes he could ditch class and skip a day just because he felt like going to the arcade and be a bad student.......just this once........i think hes very very cute...... i want him to cook for me. HAVE YO U READ HIS BOND 4 VOICELINE ?mmmmmggg i want him to get embarrassed everytime i praise him for having such a muscular waistline. AUG

ANEWAYS i also have quite the thoughts about karna, his characterization in the game is linked to arjuna’s and thats fine but i think that forgetting how much of a little sassy bastard he can get was a mistake! did you know that in apocrypha’s german dub on netflix, when jeanne calls his name like “You’re Karna, aren’t you ? The son of the Indian Sun God !” HES LIKE “So ?” AND THAT WAS SOOOO BITCHY OF HIM, i think that karna is a good boy in fgo but the fact that he was such a fighty old man in the mahabharata shouldnt be forgotten and is a charm trait. I MEAN ???? HE THREW HANDS WITH AN 18 YEAR OLD(ARJUN) WHILE BEIN LIKE... THIRTY TWO. WHATS WITH THIS ANNOYING OLD MAN !!!!! knowing these little facts about him made me like him so much more actually !! i think karna being so nice is adorable!! but the little bitchy energy u can find in his voicelines is also very charming!! i think karna looking at me emotionless as i ask him to lend me his notes for the nth time that week and then saying “...Mn.” when i thank him is cute!!! his voiceline towards things he dislikes is interesting to me. karna seeming aloof and mean bc he doesnt know how to communicate but is actually nice underneath...... hey... thats a little delinquentcore........ i wouldnt say yankii but hes like... hes like... u know hes the handsome quiet one of the group of yankiis... u know the one...? hey where are you going

ganesha is also a character im deeply interested in but i havent played CCC so i dont know that many details about jinako herself !! my brain goes HMMMMMM it seems lord ganesha is trans in fgo ! (since kama used to be a male god originally as well!!) ganesha uses all pronouns!!! and ganesha is also special to me because they share similar traits with kama when it comes to their characterization AND mischaracterizations. ganesha isnt JUST jinako. theres a part of a god in the servant mix!!! and jinako HERSELF is actually a pretty sad character imo. the whole otaku/neet thing is obviously a facade and her true wish being that she wants to redo her whole life is also proof of how much she hates what shes become, yet at the same time, she doesnt know what else she could do. but anyways, i prefer looking at servants from a lore POV so i think that ganesha should still be considered a god and be adressed as such!! i like seeing people portray ganesha as jinako but i prefer it when a certain lavish more godly side of them is put forward. a side of jinako that managed to move on a little bit if that makes sense ? that got more serious. and became someone else entierly despite sharing similarities. needless to say their bond with karna makes me happy since he shows them respect as you should towards a god!! its a bit different from their bond in CCC... like they matured somewhat!! anyway ganesha is the one who taught everyone else in the indo fam about video games and technology and i will NEVER shut up.

ashwatthama..... MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM %_’(’ç_”’è_ç(è_’”545656455456545453£¨¨µ¨µMµ¨++°=)=)°+ goodness. jesus christ on earth. my love story with him makes me so embarrassed. when he got revealed i instantly fell in love with him despite knowing JACK SHIT ABOUT HIM but since i was the only one in my friend group who was hardcore into fgo at the time, i kept my love for him to myself and just... (looks away)(i drop my wallet full of picturses of him) quietly adored his everything in silence. WELL, ree having an intense crush on yankii type characters isnt new, its been my favourite trope for ages (gyarus go in hand with them!!) and im still very attached to it so thats what made me love him in the first place!!!! BUT THEN. I GOT INTO HIS MAHABHARATAN LORE. And OHHHHHHHHH BABY.......... (im twirling my hair) so theres this 7ft tall war criminal..........<3<33<3(mash leans in and informs me that the convention of geneva didnt exist at the time) SO THERES THIS 7 FTTALL IMMORTALMAN.......<233 gOD he makes me absolutely CRAZY9909840385%£%%£%%µ%µ%µ the love i have for this character is immense and whenever im sad i remember that pako exists and has a tablet and can draw and i suddenly feel so much better. ok im gonna stop horny posting a little bit. but hes my wife. AND WHAT I LOVE ABOUT HIS PORTRAYAL IN FGO IS THAT, they actually made him a good boy despite his initial roughness and misdeeds ???!!! HELLO?? ashwatthama wishing for a redemption ark is my favourite thing and his righteousness that was born because of his regrets is a very interesting drivepoint to me !!! hes a gorgeous character and im buying a ticket plane as we speak right now so i can go find him in northern india. i’ll find him. GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME !!!!!GET OFF ME !!!

miss lakshimi makes me very sad! because every female servant in the indo fam is an already known face. (... would sita count.) and lakshi being a jeanneface is a waste. well, she’s still very pretty and her lore is also quite interesting!! i havent looked into it fully yet but i think she should be kissed on the mouth. her bad luck makes me slip on a banana peel whenevr i get close to her to kiss her and i hit my head on the pavement and pass away- 

parvati is on a tough spot for me atm. i genuinely love thinking of her as the way the indian goddess herself is portrayed because thats where the fun lies for me in her character. especially when shes involved with other indian servants, thats a given!! i would like to see parvati grow, suffer and heal. because branding her as an “all-knowing mom” is easy, but every single parent makes mistakes if you follow that logic. also, since shes the sakura servant “thats closest to her initial personality”, she’s got some of the most Repulsive fans ive Ever witnessed in fandom spaces and lets say that im trying to work my way out of this hellhole and find things to like about parvati without the fandom’s influence. needless to say, im going to keep looking into her mythos and her lore by myself at my own pace and keep doing my own thing in my little corner. 

rama shouldve been a jock. THE RAMAYANA IS OLDER THAN THE MAHABHARATA, WHY IS.....Hrm well him being summoned as his baby version gives me hope for a future rama alt perhaps??? but i think that he shouldve been a total jock and he shouldve been huge with a huge red lion-like mane for his hair and a teethy grin and big biceps and intense love for his wife. SPEAKING OF SITA, her charm point is her purity but i wish.... that their artist still hadnt drawn them like That, im not a fan of lily servants and i think purity = being young is a bit of an annoying excuse!!! rama and sita looking similar is because of their shared history which is fine but... rolls my eyes............. rama shouldve been 6ft tall and sita shouldve been a milf to match...... anyways i doubt ravana would be added as a servant but i’d love to have a ramayana centric event!! where all indo servants have their own lore centric role to play!!! oh thatd be a dream.... but i have learned to not expect much from a fanservice game so im jus gonna draw my own stuff! (strikes a pose!) (mashu claps!)

#answered #long post #SORRY FOR THE BIG SCROLL.

[steponmepinkjun]

I NEVER FINISHED MY STORY OMG. ok so i left off at being too proud to tell my friend she was right and kpop fucked hard. the difference between u and me is that i’m too good of a liar. too good. i kept up the “i hate kpop it’s cringe” facade for ALMOST TWO WHOLE YEARS, I SHIT YOU NOT. why? bc my dumb ass, extra ass, dramatic ass self thought “ok if i’m gonna have to deal with the embarrassment of admitting i’m wrong, i better do it in such an extra ass way it’ll knock ur socks off so hard that YOULL be the one embarrassed not me.” the original plan was to learn the entire choreography to bts dope, bc it’s the song that she told me to listen to and inevitably the song that got me into them, but later switched to bts fire bc i saw too many of those “choreo matches w any song” videos, and then her birthday party came up. and here’s the real kicker. her birthday is April Motherfuckin Fools. so it would be So Perfect for me to reveal my kpopism as a birthday present And a april fools prank in one. so i was Set on the Reveal being on april 1st, but the day rolls around and god that choreo is so fucking hard and i am Not a dancer. never have been. so i abandon that and go ykno what… i’ll do it Next Year. BC MY BITCHASS WAS LIKE NO THE MOMENT IS TOO PERFECT TO DO IT ON A NORMAL ASS DAY ITS GONNA BE ON APRIL FOOLS ON HER GODDAMN BIRTHDAY OR NOT AT ALL. a year rolls by, i’ve told most of our friends except her and they’re all in on it, i’d made so many subtle kpop references to her without her realising they were fully intentional and had too many scares where she almost figured me out but i lied my way out of it, and i’d given up on showing off with choreography bc i couldn’t make that shit look good. i’m not a dancer. i am, however, a rapper, and a damn good one, so i inhaled the agust d mixtape and decided i’d just rap the eminem of kpop’s anthem at her face. in korean. and change the lyrics at the end (if u haven’t listened to agust d, the bridge repeats “i’m sorry” a lot) to “i’m sorry i kept this from u for so long” and “i’m sorry i actually ult got7 not bts” (this was like the april after skz debuted ok i was holding onto got7 for dear life knowing full well skz we’re going to convert me smh) and the best part? she never saw it coming. her official present was a cd with a bunch of kpop on it but she thought it was just a personalised mixtape for her so i told her to play the first song out loud and she knew the song Instantly. it has a long intro so she was like “i guess u did listen when i recommended u this song!! i knew you’d like it since u like rap so much!!” and then i started rapping and i shit u not. she started SCREAMING. like the initial reaction was her jaw dropping and then instinctively covering her mouth but when i kept going and she realised i wasn’t fucking around she just fucking screamed like a banshee. at the end during the sorry bit i threw off my jacket to reveal a got7 shirt on the inside and she fell off her chair and started rolling around on the floor. needless to say it was every bit as satisfying as i thought it’d be LMAOOOO afterwards her ass was like “I CANT BELIEVE U HID THIS FROM ME FOR OVER A YEAR” and when i tried to explain my ego couldn’t take the “i told u so” she was like “you know i wouldn’t have made fun of you for it right? i would just be glad you’re not hating on my boys anymore” so basically i’m a big dramatic fool and she was always too good for me.

don’t mind the weird spaces here my ipad is being all fucky wucky w me rn. damn sad to hear ur sideblog experience didn’t go so well, i’d have shown u the cool side of the fandom if i knew 😤😤 leading u thru the cursed halls of kpop stan tumblr like a sketchy tour guide that’s actually 3 small raccoons stacked on top of each other like a trench coat, like “over here we have the fanfic writers that honestly need to publish a book, over here we have the gif makers that are responsible for my entire camera roll, if we take a quick swerve past the death threat anons and the twt fanwar screenshots - mind ur feet bub the 14 year olds were tryna make a grab for ur ankles - ah here’s the holy grail of shitposts, you might be here for hours, to the right we have the weird aussie side of the fandom that projects our childhoods onto chanlix but also all the members as we decide what their life in australia would’ve been like, and down there is a secret trapdoor to the blogs w endless random headcanons that will make you laugh, cry or blush depending on if the author woke up and decided to choose violence today. enjoy your Stay!” but then again i’m not so active on tumblr anymore (ngl you’ve become the highlight of my tumblr experience these days, interaction wise,) so maybe all my Local Hotspots are inactive now. i know a bunch of them are, it’s sad. “i don’t fw stan twitter for the same reason i don’t hang out in meth dens” oop. guess i’m a meth addict. no but i get u i rly do, it’s a hellhole out there, but the fact that things get shared and spread a lot easier than on tumblr and how short most things have to be (therefor keeping up w my adhd attention span without having to resort to the mental torture that is tiktok, with the added bonus of not always needing headphones.) that i just. couldn’t leave if i tried. maybe i should try being active on tumblr again but it’s a dying site in comparison.

“their music doesn’t consistently hit for me as much as skz” i’m sorry we can’t be friends anymore. what. what. you don’t dramama ramama ramama hey? you don’t feel a little jealousyyyyyy, naega anin? you don’t shoot out, shoot out, shoot out, or aremdaeun love killa love killa? you can’t be your hero du du du du du du du du du dududu? u disappoint me. literally like everyone i know who likes skz music likes mx music like it’s a rite of Passage. they’re kindred spirits, monsta x music is like skz’s music’s cool but mildly heterosexual older brother. neither of them know what a bad song is it runs in the family. and both their music runs in my VEINS. whenever i describe my music taste they’re always the first two that come to mind, skz being my number 1 bc they are my best boys but mx bc of the Flavour. pls listen to the entire the code album then get back to me 😤🙌 ok but fr ur so right they are 7 of the finest men i ever seen (yes i say 7 bc i’m including wonho cause he deserved better and i’ll die on my ot7 bullshit.) like don’t get me started on them either LOL i LITERALLY downloaded that one insta video of changkyun working out his back n arm muscles w his tattoo showing bc i needed that shit saved for Science. they could do Anything w me like frfr. yes vixx is the bdsm contract group i’m telling ya they wildin. or at least they were. it’s been years since their last comeback idk what they’re doing anymore tbh. and yeah that makes sense, savouring the hyperfixation i feel it, but also i’m so attached to skz that i never let it die. like i hyperfixate on other things and other groups but i will Always go back to skz cause they’re my homeboys. hell, they’re my home. being a predebut stay i’ve spent more time w skz than most of my actual family members at this point. but that’s just me you do u boo xx just know that if ur anything like me ur never letting go once skz it’s been my longest lasting fixation cause they hit like Nothing Else Do. ik i’ve already said that but i cannot stress it enough. they’re really special. i’m gonna stop here before i get all sappy and emotional bc i really love those boys so fucking much and i don’t drop the L bomb often. SIDE NOTE I WOULD LIKE TO SEE UR LIST OF GROUPS RANKED BY THORSt. i need to judge ur Taste. and omg cat&dog is such a guilty pleasure song bc the lyrics make me cringe so much bc while pet play can be fun they be doing it in more of an “i’m an innocent soft dogboy uwu” kinda way that just Does Not Sit Right with me. it comes back to the objectifying of asians that asians themselves don’t help in industries like these and maybe i’m looking too far into it when rly it is just wholesome n cute or maybe they are into some pet play shit idk idc i will bop to the song regardless but i will not acknowledge the lyrics nope.

YOURE RIGHT THO SKZ’S OPENNESS IS IN FACT, A BIG DEAL, i’ll grab them for u if u want but i found these twt threads of skz supporting the lgbt community and i just felt a special kind of happiness man like sure the delusional part of me likes going “haha they’re gay” bc my brain likes to imagine them as my polycule of mlm boyfriends bc sometimes thats what gives me the serotonin to get me thru the day ok don’t judge but also bc it’s nice knowing that yes i’ll never know them personally, but at least i can support them knowing they’d respect my gender identity and my pronouns, they’d respect who i choose to love, and that’s already more than the general public can say so shit, it is special! it’s special that they don’t treat being cishet like the norm - they constantly remove gender from their songs and speech entirely, they don’t assume all stays are female anymore, we don’t talk abt the babygirls incident cause we got babystays in the end outta that ok, and it’s just. so refreshing and important to me bc i can’t get that anywhere else!! like my semi ults are the boyz and while i love them very much and there’s no way all 11 of them are straight i refuse, i do get just a little bit sad whenever they she/her their fandom by default and call them their girlfriends n shit even tho i do still identify as a girl, i’m also genderfluid/nonbinary/transmasc, and i have a very love/hate relationship w my womanhood and rarely use she/her pronouns, cause it’s like, do you not see me? see us? the ones who aren’t cishet women? i mean i know kevin does bc he congratulated a fan who came out as nb but it’s just not the same as the openness we get w skz. like how do i trust cishets i could be supporting them as a queer person when in reality they’d call me a slur. what would i know, behind the screen? so it’s so good that skz go the extra mile to make it a safe space for everyone. this is already long enough i will reply to the second half of that ask in another message… tomorrow cause it’s 1am and i’m tired gn -felix bi anon

I'mma have to start putting these under a readmore so that i don't absolutely make everything who is still following me for some reason go totally fucking insane 😂

NDJDHWJJAHFNAKBSJSBFBHHDBDNAJD YOU HAVE NO IDEA THE FACES I WAS MAKING READING THIS, I WAS FUCKING CACKLING AND GASPING EVERY OTHER SENTENCE SO HARD THAT I SCARED THE CATS NDJWHSHSB the fact that you went "oh you want me to get into kpop? Give me a hot minute, and I'll give you a whole ass private concert for free" biduehsjdbd biiiiiiiiiiitch you're a fucking ICON, I stg I could NEVER 😂 (and not just because I couldn't find a tune if you gave me a printed set of Google maps directions and that I embody the steriotype that white people can't dance, like my sister kept sensing me tiktoks of the whole "dance like a white girl" trend going lmfao look it's you and eventually I was like "sis please this trend has me feeling like being white is a disability and these mothafuckers are being ableist 😭 also I could NEVER be that on beat so yall ain't even doin it right 😭😭😭😭"). Tbh if I told one of my friends (lol what friends, i got jokes) to get into Skz and they showed up at my bday and performed the entirety of I Got It I would simply shower them in money and go "aight everyone else go home, you are no longer needed, you are being laid off, your position has been eliminated, we're downsizing, the company is moving up and you're moving out, you are not qualified for this role any longer, best of luck with future endeavors" 😊

I think part of the reason I can't deal w Twitter is the exact reason I refuse to leave tumblr, in that I've been on tumblr since 2006 and twt since 2008, and tumblr literally has not changed at all, not even a little, whereas going from the early days of twt where there were no corporate sponsorships or ads and you had to manually copy and paste someone's tweet and @ them to retweet it, to how it is now, like 90% ads and showing me shit from the timelines of people I don't even fuckin follow n whatnot, it's just not enjoyable. Idk how anyone finds anything on twt, it confuses and frustrates me because I am old and have not adapted well to technology changing 😂 But arguably, the skz fanbase doesn't want me on skztwt anyways so like it works for both of us lmfaooo. I am old and cringey, and also still think of twt as stream of consciousness whereas tumblr is your teenage bedroom where you can decorate the walls with anything that interests you. I do really love the nonsensical kpoptwt shitposts tho fhshsbdjjss like it is a very specific flavor of mental instability that I enjoy immensely 😂 OH and also I initially misread part of that and thought you were saying you actually irl do meth and I was like 😳 WHAT DO I SAY TO THAT. HOW DO I HANDLE THIS. Like how do I express like "I wasn't being judgy of people who use substances cause I've been there but I was just being insensitive 😳" And then went back and reread it and was like WHEW, IM JUST AN ILLITERATE FOOL 😂😂😂😂 ejeywhdhrhjwbfbdjshdhdhd I spent like an hour bwign like "IS THE REASON WE GET ALONG BECAUSE THEY'RE ON METH???? WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS INFORMATION??????" hrhehshe I am literally a fuckin idiot it's fine

It's not that I don't fw them, it's more like... Okay so like there is no situation in which I am going to skip a skz song if it comes on shuffle. You will not ever catch me NOT in the mood to listen to Sunshine, if God's Menu comes on we are THROWIN the meager amount of booty meat I got hither and thither, I could be in the happiest mood of my life but if Ex comes on I will stop to SOB. And I'm not like that with most music, so mx just falls into the category of "there is a time and place." Idk why but it just doesn't forcibly grab hold of my heart and ass the way skz always does. I really don't WANT my skz fixation to ever end, but I know that eventually it'll stop giving me dopamine bevause my brain is my worst fucking enemy 🙃 like my arcana fixation is to date the longest running hyperfixation I've ever had, going on almost three years, and I used to not be able to spend every single second of every day thinking about Asra, but now... I just feel nothing when I look at arcana stuff. As you can probz tell by the fact that I hardly post arcana anymore 😂 So I know that eventually all my happiness will end, it always does, I can never stay just as obsessed with something as I was for long. I CANT SHARE THE LIST BECAUSE I DONT *HAVE* TASTE YET 😭 I'm basically just compiling a list of any group someone tells me I should look into, ranked by how strong the kitty purred upon googling pics of them 😂 My mom read my ass to FILTH over txt lmfao she was like "they're not that adorable. Maybe your standard for adorableness has gone down with You Know Who still on hiatus 🤔" bfjwhdhd like MOMMAAAAA THE LIBRARY IS CLOSED 😂 she attacks me any time I even hint at stanning other groups, she is a skz purist and stans skz only, unofficial Momma Stay of All Stays keeping me in check lmfao.

I feel like skz really do follow thru on their promise that they're a safe space for stays, it's nice to see that they hold space for anyone and everyone in their fanbase and do it in a really simple and elegant way, I feel. Like they never make it seem like "okay here are the fans and here are the token weirdos that were only recognizing to make a buck off of them" the way a lot of artists make it feel like 😑 like they don't go out of their way to act like it's some revolutionary act to do the bare minimum of not shitting on certain parts of the fandom, if that makes sense. They feel very "yeah, of course we love all our stays, this is a welcoming space for literally anyone, that's how it should be, that should be normal," instead of like "Hi fans we love you 😊 and special shoutout to you ell gee bee tee folk, make sure to buy my rainbow merch after the show!!!" you know? Like, they're the friends who would never make you feel weird or different for some shit, the friends that take the attention off you if something they know ur sensitive about comes up, instead of weirdly snapping at whoever brought the unfomfy thing up which ruins the mood and makes you feel tiwce as bad, yk? They just give off this vibe that they, and the space they create with their music, is just a genuine and chill place to be and hang out and relax and bond. I feel like they'd be the friend group that is so goofy and sweet and silly and accepting and lovely and always makes you feel loved and excited to be alive 🥺 They are all good noodles 🥺🥺🥺

#felix-bi-anon #asksteppie

[moldy-mold]

Diary Post: My Thoughts and Processes on Making “Silent Strength” It’s lengthy, taking place over long period of time. Mainly written for my future-self to remember what I went through, but also for anyone who is curious. Now that the project is over, I can post without reservations. There are certain things I need to keep secret though, so if I’m vague I do so intentionally!

Basically, a lot of number-crunching, physical labor, and psychological labor.

It started off as kind of a joke tweet I made. I had enough content to make a Tales Of art book and people were receptive to it. So… I thought maybe I could go somewhere with this. A few weeks later, I suddenly had a lot of Kratos art. Like. 80% of all my Tales art was Kratos. It didn’t make sense to make a broad Tales Of book when really most of it was Kratos.

I hadn’t made a book since I was in college despite it being one of my favorite things to do. They were never art books, just some editorial design projects that totally didn’t count. This book… would be my first-ever art book.

Several times, I came close to having enough art to print a book - the last time was my large collection of Yusuke Kitagawa, but the quality wasn’t where I wanted.  At that time, I was still experimenting with my iPad Pro and figuring out Procreate, so that was what I used him for.

NGL, I was pretty afraid of looking like a clown. After doing all this work, what if no one actually buys it? I was talking to some friends and they said they would buy it. It was enough for me. In the end, I’m creating something that I love. - The first thing I really wanted to work on was the cover. It needed to be epic but also mysterious (lol)… It was a good time to practice lighting and backgrounds. The cover had to be freaking Fantastic. I spent 3 days drawing nonstop. I was on vacation so I could spend full days just drawing. It was really intense. I would stop in the evenings to go for a run or else my legs would never get circulation again.

The hardest part was keeping it secret. I wanted to share it with the world right away bc I was so proud of it. Well, all I could do was show it to my parents and some close friends. They didn’t know who Kratos is, but it was obvious I was crazy about him.

Initially, I was doing some hand-lettering for the zine title instead of using a typeface. Tbh, I was so sure I was naming this zine “Blame Your Fate!” bc that is such an iconic line. But it just didn’t work with my cover, which looked… a little too serene for that. So… Silent Strength or Divine Strength? I asked around and got my answer.

But what size? All of my art has been on letter canvases. I wanted it to be large so you could see the details in the art. I’ll just start with that. - Luckily, I had all my Kratos-related art in one place. I started my InDesign file and threw everything in there just to see what it looked like. Man, I draw a lot of boxes… But I didn’t want them all next to each other. I also wanted to kinda organize it by the people Kratos hangs out with. There’s a Yuan section LOL… and a Lloyd section… and an Anna section. Idk, I tried to get some kind of order in there with a sprinkling of full spreads here and there to keep it fresh and interesting for the eyes.

I hadn’t worked with InDesign on such an intense level since college. I forgot all of the tips and tricks we learned in class. Spent some time reading on how to do things again… like adding page numbers. - I started drafting my pre-order form. It’s my first time making a google form like this. It’s kind of fun? I spent a long time on it, despite how simple it was. This was going to be my “Store” so it had to look and sound good. - My friend introduced me to charm-making. It seemed easy enough, and I wanted to give my zine more oomph. Besides, I’ve always wanted to make a charm.

I remember someone saying they’d buy a book of just the 4 Seraphim if it existed. I like them too and they lack art imo. In the end, I decided to do a polaroid charm. It’s not really that unique but I wanted Kratos to have actual friends to hang out with for once LOL.

She was going to do a group order to try to reduce the costs. I thought maybe 4 weeks would give me enough time. In the end she said I only have 2. I work well under pressure, so needless to say, I did make that deadline. I actually sketched the whole thing on the plane headed home. - After playing the game the second time, watching the OVA again, and reading “Offerings to a Star,” I have gained a real soft spot for Yuan.  My friend once said, “If you weren’t stolen away by Kratos, you would be in love with Yuan.” Lol. I’ve been in a “Kratos and Yuan hanging out” mood lately, so of course I needed something good for the zine. They’re so cute together! Now… what is the bro-est thing I can draw?

I was currently in Florida for my friend’s wedding. I was friends with the groom and his best man since high school, so that makes it 10 years now. Seeing how they’re still friends after all this time, despite living in opposite sides of the country, was really moving to me. Of course, me being me, I could see Kratos and Yuan’s long friendship being similar to this, if they had gone to school together. I just had to draw it. - When I got back from vacation, I did some research on zine sizes. Mine was HUGE compared to others. I just didn’t quite realize it until I held a magazine in my hands. It really is huge…

I settled for a medium size. 7x9. I really liked how it looked. Petite but not too petite. Unfortunately resizing my book had messed up my artwork placement so I spent hours rearranging all the text and resizing my images. I found out afterwards that there’s a way to retain the format while changing the document size. Gee, that would have been helpful 4 hours ago.

Sadly, choosing a custom size booklet makes printing more expensive. But I wanted it badly enough that I’d be willing to pay for it. Letter size is just too large… - I decided to stop dragging my feet and post a promo. I just really needed a deadline for myself to get this all done before July ended. I’m happy it was well-received. A lot of people like Kratos huh…

Anyway, the pre-order is due in a week and I still don’t know what all the costs are yet. I need a physical proof ASAP to weigh at the post office! - Something possessed me one day to do another drawing. I don’t usually do painterly style (mainly because it’s really difficult and takes 10x longer) but I just REALLY wanted to push myself on this Final Piece to the zine. I wanted it to be… radiant. Almost religious. I worked on it obsessively. From breakfast to sundown. The only time I would stop was at 7pm to go running or else my legs would give out on me.

Call me crazy, but I would save my progress on my phone so I could examine it for errors during my warmup. I also spend an hour examining it for errors before going to bed. It’s a miracle I hadn’t dreamt of the painting. - I sent my files in on Sunday in hopes that they start working on it first thing on Monday…. and it HAPPENED! They finished before I even woke up. I think they start work at like 6am…

Of course, I drove over there as soon as I heard so I can get a look. “Please… please let the colors be okay,” I prayed as I was driving. I barely remember driving there, I was so lost in thought. It would be another long ordeal if I had to fix all the colors.

Thank the stars. The press proof looked BEAUTIFUL!! I was screaming to the client coordinator how much I loved it. I mean, I worried for a looooong time that everything would turn out too dark (it usually does) but it was PERFECT. I was especially worried about the cover, which contained a lot of yellow and I def did not want it to come out mustardy… But it was great in the end!

The press operator is a quiet man. He’s got a scary face and never smiles but I think he’s secretly nice. He has done a lot of favors for me in the past without my asking. He was the one to print, bind, and trim the book for me. Obviously he had to have seen what I was drawing. I wonder what he thought of it…? He walked away before I could express how happy and thankful was. He didn’t need to hear it. It was like he already knew. So cool…

I immediately took it to the post office to weigh it. I needed as much info as I could get and plus, I was dying to know for myself. This is the week I was supposed to open pre-orders and there was still a lot I needed to do. Take pictures, create mockups, pricing, etc.

NGL, all of these costs were building up fast. It was so darn expensive to make a zine while also keeping prices down. But I wanted so much more for my baby. Extra glossy cover, perfect binding!! I knew by the end of this, I probably wouldn’t make much money. It hurt a little, but I tried to think that it was for the greater good. Learning experience and all that. And creating something beautiful. Especially something beautiful of Kratos. - Pricing was really the hardest part. I pretty much threw profit out the window. However, I definitely did not want to be losing money. My dad and I had worked together to create a spreadsheet of expenses to make sure my head was above water. I followed it… loosely.

My friend came to talk to me at the right moment. I was sort of panicking at the prices. She made me realize I was thinking way too hard about it and gave me some tips based on her own experience. It really put my mind at ease talking to someone who understands my woes.

The truth of the matter is, the book is wonderfully made and has a lot of pages - countless hours of drawing. There is only so much I can do about pricing. It is what it is… I just needed to come to terms with my own worth. - Boy, what am I going to do once the zine is done? My friend says that I’ll be so over Kratos that I’ll stop drawing him (but the love remains). It’s like… all of the intense planning, working, struggling nonstop will just suddenly… stop. TBH, I’m running out of ideas. I spent it all on the zine. - Photoshoot today. I had to paint my nails purple for this occasion. Unfortunately, I couldn’t get the look I wanted in the apartment. It’s just so naked without props. I think I’ll take it to a cafe for some nicer backgrounds. I talked it over with my friend and decided to do a quick flip-through of the zine as a promotional video. I used the most professional video program I had on hand… Snapchat. It actually turned out pretty legit and of course I slapped stickers on there because it’s Snapchat.

I had to tape/hide some of the pages for the video because I wasn’t actually done with the drawings. I had the printers print it anyway so I could examine it for color accuracy.

I’m really stressed about pricing now. It turns out I had a lot more international fans than I anticipated. I wish I took notes on interest earlier in the game to cater to them. I had a list of “possible buyers” and I only just now decided to check where they live? Foolish.

I did another cost analysis on paper to figure out what my goal was to make up for the charms. Right now they’ve cost me a fortune for something that was supposed to be giveaway. Other things that rack up are packaging costs, PayPal fees, and some other supplies I needed for this project.

Maybe I shouldn’t have made it 40 pages. It is an impressive number, but no one is really paying for quantity. I think 25 is a better number lol. If I had done that, I could have had my super-gloss cover like I wanted. :’(

There is hope though. And I’ve placed it in the hands of my followers to come through for me. I think I’ll open pre-orders on Saturday or Sunday, depending on what I finish. - “Losing your cool will only lead to poor decisions.” 
Thanks, Kratos twitter bot. You always know what to say.

I read this post today on what makes people buy zines. Very interesting!
 https://twitter.com/andythelemon_/status/1141469048653398019 - Photoshoot part 2 today. My friend and I went to a cafe nearby that had some nice atmosphere in hopes of finding the right shots. I brought all of my Kratos merch just in case. I’m glad I did though, since the tables were pretty sparse and it was difficult to capture the backgrounds without getting a bunch of random people in it too.

I would have been the photographer, but I definitely wanted my hands in the shots. In a way, it was meaningful - to show that this was made by my own two hands. Plus, I wanted to depict natural interaction with the product. It made it feel real.

The photos were cute! I feared it would look a little amateurish with all the merch in there, but I think fun was what I was really going for, not “professional.” And plus the flip-through was a Snap anyway LOL. As long as the photos have good lighting and tasteful composition, you really can’t go wrong with “fun.”

Now that I’ve finished editing my photos, there really isn’t anything holding me back from opening pre-orders. I’ve pretty much come to terms with my pricing. If I fail to break even, I’ll just have to open commissions to try to make up for it. I was telling my friend on the way home, “I gave this zine EVERYTHING I had to give. So at the very least, I won’t be disappointed in myself.” No stone left unturned, no detail left unchecked. It was perfect according to my standards. I really love my zine okay?!

I thought I was crazy for not only choosing a small fandom, I narrowed it down even further by picking ONE GUY to make this zine about. She replied, “Even if it’s small, those people who love him now must be EXTREMELY LOYAL to still be in love with a character from a 15-year-old game. All of them will want your zine.” - I went to bed that night with the intention of making the pre-order post live in the morning. I was so nervous I couldn’t sleep. I was wide awake until at least 5 or 6 am. Luckily, I was able to doze off for a an hour or two before I would shake myself awake again. It was a mixture of anxiety and excitement. It was the moment of truth - to see if all my effort made a difference. Was it going to sell? - The pre-order post looked really freaking good. I’ll give it that. I even made a YT account just to post that darn preview video on tumblr lol. It was definitely fun seeing everyone’s excitement and we all just freaked out together.

I broke even! That’s what really matters. Honestly at this point, I couldn’t care less if I made profit or not. I now know how much people really like the zine and that alone made me so happy I could die.

I was particularly fascinated at Google Form’s ability to transfer all the data collected into a spreadsheet. That is extremely helpful. I spent hours organizing the data. It was really fun…?! Now I can tell who gets invoiced and who paid and separate them into categories. IT’S FANTASTIC!

Stayed up late researching how much adding tracking could be. I had a slight panic attack thinking “what if my books got lost in transit?” It would really hurt me to have to reprint books and ship them again. And then I realized I will need to fill out customs forms for all international orders. Yikes, I’m gonna be living at the post office lol. You can print them out at home if you fill out the form online but there are still some things I’m uncertain about. I may visit the post office later this week to ask all my questions. - This morning I sent out everyone’s invoices. I gave the international people the option to purchase tracking. It’s expensive… but I need to provide that option just in case.

I received a nice message from someone who offered to advertise for me on Instagram. Of course, I gave them the OK! I’m really so shocked they would do that… They said the liked the zine so much it deserved more exposure. My dude… I love you… T_T

I thought about advertising on insta myself earlier in the week. For some reason I felt it was going to be fruitless since I don’t have an art account on there with a following. So, I gave up on the idea. Hey it worked out in the end.

I’ve never been so organized in my entire life. I want this zine experience to be perfect. The people have placed their trust in me, so I cannot mess up. - Edited some pages in the zine. The typography must be perfect… It made me think back to undergrad days in graphic design school. Man, if only I can present this as a project - photos, videos, matching accessories and all. I’d probably get an A lol. - Orders slow down after the first day. The rest is just about getting new people to see the post and giving other people more time to decide.

I finished my Kratos stationery today. It’s going to be so cute. My friend said people would want to buy it but I don’t have it in me to do more products at this time. Plus, I want it to be a surprise.

Why make stationery? Well my real job (no, I don’t draw Kratos all day for a living) is a stationery designer! It would feel really wrong not to put into practice what etiquette I’ve learned in this business. Plus, I felt that it was necessary to properly thank all those who ordered. And it’s fun?

I started designing the shipping labels for the domestic orders since I don’t need to fill out a customs form for those. I wish I had sticker labels but… it’s okay. It will still look good in the end. - Every so often, I would get nervous at the amount of money I’m responsible for. Perhaps, if I had a store with existing products I wouldn’t feel this way, but the fact that the books haven’t been printed yet made me scared. I know, I need this money to even print the books in the first place, but I’m just baffled at my customers’ trust in almost a total stranger. I felt pressured that I could not let them down and lose that trust. It probably didn’t help that I watched a documentary on Elizabeth Holmes (Theranos) that day.

So, I prayed every single day that nothing would go wrong. I’d check my spreadsheet constantly for any mistakes. It was a little obsessive, but I would rather be that than overlook something.

I began collecting cardboard boxes. My plan was to cut them up to protect the books during transit. I would have preferred hard envelopes but they were a bit pricey. If I have to do more work myself, so be it.

I’ve been getting nice DMs from some buyers. I think my invoice due date scared them… I really did not intend to be strict, but I wanted people to pay now if they can rather than forget about it. This happens at work all the time, so the best thing to do is have it due immediately. It would not look good to have to wait on stragglers when I close pre-orders, so I’ll probably reach out when there is one week left. - My Kratos stationery arrived! Aww it is SO CUTE!!! My babies… I have a lot of notes to write so I got started right away. It’s going to be a lot of work trying to come up with creative ways to say “thank you,” but I don’t mind. I said I was going to put my all into the zine experience so I will.

At long last, the charm order has been put in motion. My friend said it could take a while… I hope it won’t be longer than 3 weeks. I really do not want to keep everyone waiting. I may ship out the ones who did not win a charm first. I mean, there is no reason to make those guys wait. I should ask the charm winners if they still want to wait and see if anyone wants to give it up for someone else who is more patient. Hm. - I finally stopped by the post office today to collect customs forms. I have my work cut out for me since I’m filling all of them in by hand. D:

I’m not used to international addresses so I think I’ll ask for help in checking them for spelling errors and typos. Heaven forbid I mess up on the very last part of the zine experience.

In my nervousness, I decided to reach out about invoices early on. If someone wanted to cancel, I would rather find out sooner rather than later. Everyone was really nice about paying and thank goodness they’re still excited.

Feeling kind of overwhelmed by all the things I need to do, but it’s a good thing. If I don’t know what to do, I can either: cut cardboard, write letters, type shipping labels, draw more Kratos for a… possible volume 2? Someone I talked to today already said they’ll pre-order a second book if I make one. Omg I think I’ll die. But we’ll see. It’s just a joke right now haha… - Preorders end today. I had another nightmare last night that the books could not be printed properly and there was nothing I could do. Why do I keep getting nightmares about the zine! I had one a few days before about people canceling their orders when I asked them about the invoices. I’ll take these dreams with a grain of salt. I’m probably just stressed/worried but everything is going to be okay. When I open my eyes, nothing is on fire.

I received my final proof a few days ago. With all of the artwork completed and changes applied. The book looks good, no doubt about it. There was only one thing I was nit-picky about but it can be fixed. The press operator offered to print another book for me to inspect. I’ll go see it on Monday and then submit the rest of the orders. I also asked to to have a meeting with the press operator so we are on the same page. It would be beneficial to have an understanding of how my book is made so that I may be more helpful to him.

I spent the day preparing shipping labels. I hate to admit, I am not too familiar with the format international addresses so I had an address validator open as I was typing them in. For the most part, everyone was helpful in already formatting their addresses in the preorder form! - My parents called me the day after preorders were closed. They wanted to say congratulations on my success. No one thought it would do this well. I couldn’t be offended by that since I was also guilty of it. I’m happy though. It feels like my love spread across the world and was contagious.

I tried to think of what advice I would give to others. Obviously, genuine love for the subject and hard work were a necessity. But it would be good to consider value. If I were selling it at this price, I had to make sure my pieces and presentation looked the part. I ask myself, if someone else sold it, would I buy it?

I sent out messages to all the charm winners in the morning. I wanted to apologize profusely at the ridiculous amount of time it has taken to get them made. But no, I’ve got to stop apologizing. I stated the facts and left it at that. Everyone was really kind and patient⁠—to which I was thankful for. I don’t usually get that when I’m working customer service. - All the books were done printing in one day. Wow! I went to pick it up immediately of course. I can’t believe all of this is coming to an end. I finished preparing the mailers. All that was left was to stuff and seal the domestic orders. They were the easiest to do so I’m going to ship those first. The rest will need customs forms, which I haven’t filled out just yet. It’s going to be a while for those…

The mailers were quite sturdy with the cardboard cutouts I slipped in them. I have nothing to worry about. I’m sure my babies will be okay! - I took a whole box of domestic orders to the post office today. Wasn’t sure what to expect. But my clerk had to input every single address one at a time while I checked for errors. Omg, why are the post office shipping labels SO HUGE. I thought it was going to be half the size. And they’re ruining my designer labels! Slight panic but oh well…

I had a long long line behind me. I’m so sorry, people. Luckily there were two clerks or I would be really sweating. Despite my intimidating box of zines, the clerk and I had Synergy and we managed to ship all of these in about 15 minutes. I received a very long receipt and quite the bill lol. - Shipped the international orders today. I was kind of a mess since I had no idea what to do. I keep wondering if I can help speed up the process in any way but I don’t think I have the option to ship first-class at home.

When shipping international, keep the post office copy of the customs forms together with the package since they use that to type the address info into the system. Also, we get free tracking, which I did not know about. The other clerk told me that we did not get tracking for international first-class but I guess he was misinformed. It’s good to know for next time. - The charms finally arrived!! And THEY’RE HOLOGRAPHIC?! It was pretty awesome, but it makes picture-taking kind of difficult!! Anyway, I was a tiny bit disgruntled that they got my order incorrect, and I even asked for a reprint. But they said no, so I left it at that. Besides, it seems the holographic effect was well-received.

I like this size that I made. It’s really cute! Larger than your normal charm but not too huge. It’s almost like an Instax photo! - There was one customer who I found lives near me! I asked her if she wanted me to hand-deliver it to her in a public setting and she agreed (to my amazement). We finally met a few days ago and talked for hours and hours lol! I’m glad to have finally made a new friend here in this town but of course she’s moving away in two weeks. <:’3

We’re going to meet again to make the most of her time left. - I shipped the rest of the orders on the following Monday. I HAD to get these out. The poor guys have been waiting over a month! I think I picked a bad time to go because I had a huge line behind me and only one guy working. People in line were getting antsy or mad. The clerk at the other post office was super fast but not this guy…

For some reason shipping to the UK and Japan nearly doubled in price since the last time I checked. RIP. T_T - Omg I finally made a mistake. I wrote a letter to the wrong person. And the contents of that letter are too personalized!!! I am dying of embarrassment!!!!! Screams!! Had to apologize to both customers too!!! Luckily they were good sports about it but I’m seriously kicking myself AAAAAAAA!!!! - The most rewarding part after sending all my babies away is seeing the commentary on my project. It is so so nice to receive positive feedback. People are happy! Happy with something I created out of thin air. Everything was worth it 1000 times over. I can die happy!

I’m especially thankful to those who show understanding for how much effort went into it. It definitely wasn’t easy and I poured way too many hours into it… not that I regret that.

I don’t want to jump the gun but I would really love to make a volume 2. Because I know I can do better than last time. New and improved art and comics! But we’ll see if I make enough pieces for another book. I was against printing 40 pages before but now I kind of like it. It feels more worth it than a 25-page zine. If i’m going though so much effort, might as well bring in the entire package.

I’ll be printing more of this volume for Aselia Con 2020. Now I know people will appreciate it.

#diary

[foreveralwaysanauthor]

As previously warned, I have a huge number of questions for the fanfic author ask thing. So, here we go: 4, 5, 6, 12, 13, 14, 15, 17, 20, 21, 24, 25, 26, 27, 29, 30, 31, 33, 36, 37 and then, if that wasn’t already enough, and there is anything you want to answer that I haven’t already asked, then pick one of your choosing to answer as well! 💕

Holy crap you weren’t kidding! lol this is gonna be so much fun!

4: What made you start writing fanfiction?

My 3rd grade teacher, Mr. Gula, gave me a challenge to write out my own ending to my favorite movie or TV show. As I was never really one to back down from a challenge, I went home and wrote out my own story about the first Transformers movie and another one about what I would do if I had been in HIgh School Musical. Yeah... needless to say, I was the Hermione of my grade.

5: Favorite pairing?

I know I don’t write for them, but my top is probably either Dee Dee and Frankie from the Beach Blanket Bingo, Bikini Beach, and Muscle Beach type movies or Seaweed and Penn from Hairspray. Something about those types of romance are sort of sweet to me. Guess I’m just an old soul. I also adore Cory and Topanga form Boy Meets World, but I’m mostly here for the older romances.

6: Least favorite pairing?

I’ll probably get flack for all of my answer, but I’m a little bit opinionated about this lol. The way Ginny and Harry’s relationship in the films was, was just confusing and so not what I had expected from them. The books gave them so much more than the movies ever did. The books were way better. Another case I don’t like was Bella and Edward/Renesmee and Jacob from Twilight. I think the other relationships in Twilight were better (Jasper and Alice are so sweet!) and Stephanie Meyer just kinda tossed Bella and Edward and Renesmee and Jacob together in the hope it would work and it just didn’t.

12: What’s the weirdest fic you’ve ever written?

I can’t believe I’m admitting to this.... I used to write full stories about One Direction. I had a full Niall x OC story I posted on a 1D Imagines group on Facebook that got almost 2,000 likes. It was silly, but, my word, it was almost as long as Broken Record. It spanned over the month of October 2014 and I can’t believe it ot the attention it did. It wasn’t all that good, but I guess it was good enough for people to like it, so that’s alright by me lol

13: Weirdest fic you’ve ever read?

I don’t believe it’s on fanfiction anymore, but I remember the basic info on it. It was Make a Wish by FireBladePrime. It was pretty much a girl made a wish on a shooting star and it made her favorite toys come to life as full size humans. I believe she ended up falling in love with one, but I’m pretty sure it just ended up being something that she came up with in her head when she was in a coma due to a car accident. Definitely a weird one, but it was pretty well written as far as memory serves.

14: Do the people in your life know you write fic? How do they feel about it?

Well, quite a bit of my family knows, actually. It started with just my parents, but my dad was always wanting to show off whatever his baby princess did (I was his only biological child, my older siblings were from my mom’s ex-husband). Dad shared with his siblings, mom shared with her siblings and my grandfather. My nieces and nephews know as well, but I believe that’s it. As far as I know, they are all very supportive and have no problem with it. My neice, Lorali, and nephews, Erek and Drake, have read all of my Teen Beach fics and quote things from them daily just to see if I’ll react, but they mostly just like reading them or having me read to them. They’re very loving and supportive of my writing.

15: Favorite fandom to write for?

I don’t know if I could pick one! I love Teen Beach so much, but I also have a certain affinity for writing small oneshots or “x Reader” style stories for Avengers and Harry Potter which can be found here and here. I do share the Harry Potter page with my sister, but she handles reblogging things to our page. Anyway, those would probably be my top fandoms!

17: What is the harshest criticism you’ve ever gotten on a fic?

Holy crap. Okay, I may or may not have repressed this for a long time, but I have more than one that I can’t decide between. The other one was from a girl in my class who stole my writing notebook and read my writing. Fuck you, Ashley She gave it back to me later that day with marker scribbles all over my writing. She said that I was horrible. The next day, I stole the makeup bag she had brought from her mother’s bathroom and buried it on the playground.

I was a good child that believed in getting even. Nobody found out about that btw.

Anyway, the first real criticism I had on a fic was someone who said, “You have no talent and you shouldn’t be writing. It all sucks and you’ll never go anywhere as an author.” I had actually written this down and, when I felt it no longer mattered to me, I burned it. It took me a couple of years to come to the realization that their opinion didn’t matter to me.

 20: What’s your biggest struggle when it comes to writing fic?

Having time to sit down and write, probably. I usually have great ideas, but, in order to write them out and have them come out alright, I would need to sit down and feel it all come together while I write. I need time that I just don’t have most of the time.

21: Your biggest strength?

When I sit down to write, it all just flies out of me. Once i start, I don’t stop until my idea is all out into either m notebook or my computer. I can have a simple idea that somehow spirals into an eight page chunk that I never thought was possible. I like to think of that as my biggest writing strength.

24: What’s your process?

Write out the “backbone plot” (The stuff that has to happen, no matter what)

Decide on characters. Figure out appearance, personality and basic traits. (Sorta like a sim, I guess)

Bounce ideas with whoever will listen/listen to music (Gain ideas and write them in a small notebook)

Wait for inspiration and time to line up accordingly.

Write as much as I can.

Go back into that later on and edit what needs to be there and delete what isn’t necessary.

Publish!

I hope that’s what this means, at least.

25: Of all the fics you’ve written, which is your favorite?

Most definitely Broken Record and Creating a Rift. It was one of my first published stories and I just adore them.

26: Which of your fics is your least favorite?

I don’t even know how to find it anymore, but it was called Life’s a Rollercoaster. It was a Transformers fic that I had written when I was 11. Never finished it bc I lost the login stuff and it, now that I remember it, sucked hard.

27: What’s your most popular fic? Do you think the popularity is warranted, or is there another fic that you think deserves it more?

Any of them really! I love that Broken Record has had almost 10,000 reads, but I don’t believe it. As I go back over it, I wonder how on earth it gained popularity in the first place, but I couldn’t be happier that it did!

29: Which of your fics was the hardest to write?

My book. Probably the Christmas one, tbh. I only feel the pull to write it around the holidays and that kinda sucks lol

30: Favorite fic writers?

You better know you’re number one, girlie! For those who don’t know, Eleanor here is one of my closest internet friends and she’s practically family to me at this point!

As for other authors, I love Ulurnaga’s Primary Mechanisms story (Transformers). I know she hasn’t updated it since 2014, but it was so good that she could’ve left it at multiple parts and it would’ve been fine. I think it has abot 118 chapters to it. I have a few favorites from AutobotGuy710 who does a lot of Transformers stories basing around adoption (helps for my references and also a better understanding of what goes on a bit in adoptions/foster care). On Tumblr, I have a few faves, but not a ton. I like imagine-and-marvel and potterlyimagines fics a lot, but that’s about it at the moment as I haven’t sat down to read fics in a little while.

31: Do you write just for fun, or would you ever consider pursuing writing?

A bit of both, actually. I mostly enjoy writing my fics as a bit of an escape from reality. I enjoy being able to place myself in a world that doesn’t exist and sort of play around a bit. However, I do actually write as a job. I was working for my county newspaper for a while and that spiraled into me writing my first book, Feather Picked. I am currently writing one of the sequels to Feather Picked which takes the focus from my original main character, Melody, and moves it to her best friend, Roxy. I am planning on publishing a total of at least 5 books, the first four being the chronological 4 that take place over the course of a full year, each taking one season. The last one will be a look into the future, hopefully.

My first book can be found here!

33: Fanfiction pet peeves?

Goodness gracious. As someone who loves English classes, when people don’t place paragraphs correctly or spell simple words correctly, it reeeeeeally grinds my nerves. I will still sit through a story if it’s a well plotted story, but, come on people, at least do proper paragraphing!!!

Also, when people spell “definitely” as “defiantly”...... uuuuuuuuggggghhhhhhhhh

36: Which charachter(s) would you never write for?

For this one, I don’t really have much to say.

Probably characters from shows like soap operas or shows that never seem to end. If I can’t grasp the character’s backstory or personality after watching it because it never stops changing whenever it benefits the story or what the writers have planned, I refuse to write for them. 

Mary Sue types like Bella Swan who are merely the damsel in distress  and are only there to play out the author’s wish to be put in some type of scenario where everyone fawns over them constantly (can be applied to male characters as well).

37: Which character is your favorite to write for?

Out of already made characters: Butchy, Lela, Cheech, Evie, Ben, Harry Hook, Bucky Barnes, Draco Malfoy, Luna Lovegood.

Out of my OCs: Mick, Malina, Roxy Madden, Candi DiMaggio

Since you said I could pick one if I wanted, I’m going to pick #40.

40: Imagine yourself 10 years in the future; do you think you’ll still be writing fic?

I think I will be, yes. I don’t think my ideas for movies and books will ever stop. Especially knowing what I have planned after Creating A Rift is done. But... that’s a story for another time, lol

[fmdsuran]

✧ *･ﾟ HAVE YOU EVER encountered someone that looked like a goddess or a doll on the outside, but after taking the time to get to know them, you slowly begin to realize that where confidence should exist lies layers of insecurity, self-doubt, and sadness ? that, or have you ever met a person that was so fortunate and lucky in various ways, but can’t help but spiral into bouts of depression due to loneliness, and lack of genuine human connection ? have you ever listened to the iconic hit LUCKY BY BRITNEY SPEARS ? if you answered yes to all, or some, of these q’s, then you’ve already had a glimpse into the life and times of my precious princess, the stunning SEO SURAN —- lipstick’s sub rapper, sub vocal, and child actress turned idol ! if you don’t feel like reading her bio, i 100% feel you, fam, so i’ll do you a favor and provide you some fun facts below the cut that you can read up on ! what’s even better is that i’ll give you some plot ideas, too, to make plotting with me EVEN EASIER. with all that said, feel free to hit the heart in the corner to lmk if you’d like to plot with me, and if you do, i’ll love you foreva and eva ! oh, i almost forgot lmao... you all can call me ryan btw ! i’m 18+ and a self-proclaimed bad bih lol it’s nice to meet’cha 💋

B A C K S T O R Y —-

suran was born to a former screenwriter (current film/tv reviewer) and his wife, a full-time stay at home mother, in seoul, south korea. from a very young age, she was beckoned to be a critical thinker —- her friends often loathed watching cartoons with her as she’d judge them based on their animation, writing, and so on. all of them would say that she doesn’t just sit back and enjoy them because she’s been raised to ask questions and analyze creative work. however, this made her a great student when it came to school, and she developed a love for learning at a young age.

around the age of eight years old, she decided that she wanted to be an actress. after spending long hours studying how it was done by the men and women on tv, she had a hunch that she’d be able to do it with ease. then, not long after, with her father’s connections, she was able to make her acting début in a drama called ‘ballad of seodong’ —- a historical piece where she played the younger version of the drama’s main character, princess seonhwa of silla. after that, she went on to star in another drama, then after, two feature films; one of those being a main role for her!

needless to say, she was a hardworking child; one that made her mom and dad super proud. however, when her contract with the acting agency ended, she was approached by bc entertainment. they discovered a few options for her —- representing her as an actress was mentioned, but the other option they provided seemed slightly better to her. they made a deal with her that they’d give her an easy début in an idol group so she could make a bigger name for herself, and at the time, she didn’t see anything wrong with that and decided to accept, and soon after, in 2010, she became a bc trainee.

while she envisioned this to be a great time of learning and accomplishment, it was anything but —- the trainee lifestyle kind of really destroyed her. body dysmorphia tw there was constant talk about diet and beauty, and whenever she looked around her, she found that everyone else was so graceful and glamorous. she felt like she didn’t meet their standards, and she became anxious about it. she started to look in the mirror and hate her appearance. being that she wasn’t quite talented at singing and dancing, she knew that beauty and personality were going to have to be her tickets to debut, so she spent almost all the money she made as a child actress on cosmetic surgery. within the two year time span that she trained, she got her eyelids, forehead, nose, jawline, and breasts done.

bc entertainment found this brave of her, and after she’d fully recovered, they decided to take a chance on her and put her in the lineup of lipstick. they wanted to use her for visual appeal more than outward talent, and she became a spectacle; an ornament almost. she loved and hated all this attention.

a few years pass and bc helps her land her first acting gig in years, and she couldn’t be more excited. however, when it’s announced, and when it later airs, netizens began to realize that they had seen her name before, and they pulled up old photos of her as a kid in the dramas and movies she starred in. when they put two and two together and saw that she looked like a drastically different person now, they were appalled; calling her a fraud as she’s made comments in the past about natural health and beauty.

due to this, her performance in ‘discovery of love’ wasn’t regarded as anything special and she fell into a deep depression; realizing that her past insecurities only came to ruin her life in present day.

after that, she spent years in a dark depression and became disinterested in being an idol, in being in lipstick. so much pressure was put on her —- be beautiful, be thin, be effervescent on camera, be appealing to the masses... and when she couldn’t fulfill all of those, she felt hopeless; she felt like a failure. everyone seemed to hate her, and she was so regretful of all she’d done leading up to this point.

however, after a few years of suffering, bc finally guided her into another acting opportunity once negative talk of her died down to a slow simmer, and it helped rouse her from this slump for quite awhile. the filming process kept her distracted, and she loved the character she portrayed, and when it was announced to the public, they had mixed reactions. all of them wondered why they’d cast her, but when the show aired, it became a cultural phenomenon in all of korea. ‘goblin’ now sits as one of the nation’s highest rated televised dramas, and after watching her thrilling performance as the leading female role, netizens grew soft for her; their opinions completely changingh

this drastic change has been so good to her that she doesn’t even believe she deserves it. she’s grateful for it though, and would rather be seen as some sort of angel to the nation instead of a fraud. what stresses her out now though is the pressure to keep this image going. she’s terrified of what’d happen if she fell from grace again, so she’s constantly on her best behavior —- not wanting anymore scandals to ruin her.

overall, her personality is really sweet. there’s a coldness to her because she’s afraid of what people think of her initially, but once she warms up to you, she’ll be a great friend. she’s fiercely loyal and really just wants to be loved.

C O N N E C T I O N S —-

another child actress/actor who was friends with suran since they were signed under the same agency when they were little. now that they’re both idols, they’re taking it to mean that fate really wants their friendship to last forever, so they’re doing all they can to make that happen. must’ve been an active actor/actress from 2004-2010.

a person that she trained in bc with (2010-2012) that she was able to share her secrets and insecurities with, and every time she went under the knife, they were there for her. really, they would try to convince her that she was beautiful as is, but she had the worst time believing them due to her dysmorphia. however, they’re still friends to this day, and they’ll forever be confidantes.

someone who has no idea why she’s even in lipstick since she doesn’t have that much talent when it comes to singing and dancing. she doesn’t get a lot of lines in their songs, but somehow, manages to be center a lot and it infuriates them that she’s given any spotlight at all.

an ex-boyfriend of her that really didn’t give a shit about her and only really wanted her as arm candy, and once he realized she had a lot of baggage, broke up w her.

an ex-girlfriend from the rough period of her time as an idol (2014-2016) who she broke up with because she was too insecure, and felt she was undeserving of her love. they’re still lowkey soft for each other, but lord knows if they’ll get back together rip.

a current romantic interest of her’s (male preferred) who, for the first time in forever, is patient enough with her to stick around and helps her feel better about herself. however, he doesn’t want to make things official just yet and it makes her sad because she’s falling deep in love with him.

a girl who had her first lesbian/bi experience with suran that’s a bit obsessed with her because of it, but she doesn’t know how to tell them that she doesn’t feel the same way.

lots and lots of fwb plots, please! men, women, whatever... she likes sex.

someone that’s made her their muse, and often paints pictures of her, writes poetry about her, or whatever, but they’re too scared to tell her or show her what they’ve done.

a man who listed her as his ideal type, but it led to her getting backlash from his fans, so now their relationship is awkward and she’s scared to be seen in public with him lol.

a woman who she said was her ideal type as a joke, but she’s actually not joking at all and she desperately wants to get to know her better —- as friends or as fwbs or wtv.

people that help her with dancing, singing, and rapping! she’s not the worst that there is in the industry, but she still feels as though she’s lacking since she skated through training based on her looks alone. please help her tysm.

a younger man that she’s having a fwb relationship with and she loves spoiling him since he hasn’t paid off his debt from training yet, lol. make her a sugar mama pls.

really... i’m up for anything! so please let me know if none of these appeal to you so we can plot something else! love you all and thanks for reading!

#* / 𝐃𝐄𝐁𝐔𝐓. ‹ introduction. › #* / 𝐎𝐎𝐂. ‹ ryan speaks. ›

[moodybidoof]

The benefit of being stuck in the suburbs is I finally got around to answering this questionnaire. It’s really long and unedited and I don’t expect anyone to read it lol, but it was fun to do. 

If nothing else you should look at the question “What stories does the clan have with moral lessons?” bc I literally just copied my favorite childhood fairy tale and it’s raw af. 

Where in Thedas does the clan reside?

Until relatively recently they stayed close to the Frostback Mountains, mostly towards the south near the Arbor Wilds. During a lean winter in 8:82 Blessed, while settled in the Frostback Basin, they were attacked by a group of Avvar warriors who aimed to appease their gods with a live sacrifice. Several of the elves were killed, including the clan’s Second, and the Keeper was seriously wounded, so Marethari took charge and had them flee into the eastern lowlands.

They moved around the Korcari Wild and Brecilian Forest up until the start of the Fifth Blight, when they took a ship to the Free Marches and, as we all know, got stuck outside Kirkwall for years. After Marethari’s death and the chantry explosion, some of the clan members joined up with Merrill and the Kirkwall city elves to get to safety, and they continue to use the name Sabrae for their hodgepodge clan.

They stayed near Kirkwall and were offered a permanent home outside the city by Viscount Tethras in 9:44 Dragon - a gift for aiding in the reconstruction of the city.  

What are the dangers of living where they live?

The Veil is thin around Sundermount, though that’s not so much of a problem as long as the clan is careful. Templars and apostates were obviously an issue soon after the chantry explosion, and not long after that there were red templars to deal with. Forces from Starkhaven also tried their hand at conquering the city, and all this chaos attracted looters, bandits, and the like.

Needless to say, things were a mess for a while.

Nowadays they still have to worry about the creatures that share Sundermount with them, but things have calmed down considerably. The biggest issue is finding game to hunt. The clan had already been in the area for several years and they're competing with the indigenous predators of the Vimmark Mountains. Also, the whole thin Veil issue was only exacerbated by all the death and magic that dominated Kirkwall for the last almost decade.

What are the benefits of living where they live?

In the years after Corypheus’ defeat, Varric’s boone to the elves went a long way to normalize their presence and give them the recognition they deserve, and of course they also have a friend in Guard-Captain Aveline. All things considered, the clan has very much made itself part of the city in a way that few elves of any origin have before

Since Kirkwall has once again become a trading hub, Clan Sabrae has access to goods from all across Thedas. Also, they’re settled right near a trove of ancient elven artifacts.

In what ways has their location shaped their culture and way of life?

Like I said before, they’re a part of the surrounding community to an extent that’s really unique to Dalish elves for sure, and even city elves; probably the only thing that’s comparable is Wycome’s city counsel, after the Inquisition got involved there. Many of the clan members are former city elves, so they still keep up close relations with those that chose to remain in the Alienage, and the clan is more attuned to the problems of their city cousins. It won’t be a surprise if within a generation, the Dalish children of Clan Sabrae grow up hearing a mix of traditional and modern elven stories.

Going back a bit, living in the Frostbacks for so long created a culture very much focused on preparing for the worst. They farmed and hunted when it was warm, then pickled and tanned anything they didn’t immediately need for the winter. If push came to shove, they would trade with trusted Avvar clans. Resources were scarce so they were very practical about how they used everything, and while they encouraged resourcefulness, they avoided anything that seemed like an unnecessary risk. There was a certain way of doing things, so that was the way it was done.

Halla can’t survive in the cold climates of the Frostbacks, so the clan hearded and bred harts instead - greater frostback elks, specifically - to use as draft animals. They didn’t start keeping halla again until they settled further east.  

The wheels on their aravels could be switched out to sled runners.

Living near the Avvar and then in the Brecilian Forest meant that the clan had up close experience with spirits and hedge magic. Prior to the incident with Tamlen and Mahariel most of the clan members had a healthy suspicion of such things (for example, traditionally putting up wards in the doorways of their aravels and around camp to guard against spirits) but it wasn’t something that was taboo either. In fact, it wasn’t uncommon for the mages to create and work with docile sylvans to aid and protect the clan.

They knew many stories about ancient elven magic and old myths about Thedas’ wilder places, but after Marethari became Keeper she began telling those stories with a darker edge to them. After the Avvar attack, a trek through the Fallow Mire, and run in with feral sylvan and other demons, her view of wilder magic was tinged with fear - and then there was the incident with Tamlen and Mahariel. Marethari’s time as Keeper shifted the clan’s culture, but Merrill is trying help them shed their fear of mysterious magic.

Have they always been here, or did they come from elsewhere?

Oops I already wrote their whole story in the first question. So yeah, they’re from the Frostbacks originally, then southern Ferelden, before settling where they are now.

If so, where were they from before, when did they leave, and why?

Long story short, Avvar attacked the clan, the Keeper was injured and the second killed so Marethari had to make split-second decision as the clan’s First and lead them into the lowlands to the east. They traveled towards through the Korcari Wilds, where Marethari tracked down Flemeth and made a deal with her to secure the clan safe passage. They moved around the Wilds and the Brecilian Forest for almost 50 years until fear of the Blight and mounting suspicion from local Templars forced them north.

Are they nomadic? Semi-nomadic? Or do they have a permanent settlement? How has this affected them?

They used to be semi-nomadic, staying in roughly the same area but moving around enough to make sure they wouldn’t overuse the resources in one place or outstay their welcome with any nearby human settlements. Especially when they were in southern Ferelden, they were dogged by rumors of walking trees and “demon elves” (which weren’t entirely untrue), which attracted attention from the Chantry, so they had to make sure the Templars never caught up with them. This was just all the more reason for them to be as practical and cautious as possible, especially around the Chantry.

Their hunters had seen anything and everything you could think of; lurkers, giant spiders, demon trees, templars, the walking dead - you name it and they’ve probably had to fight it while they traveled through some of the weirder parts of Thedas. As a result, most of the clan members are trained to fight in some capacity, just in case.

They’re still getting used to having a permanent home now. Even the original Sabrae clan members among them have been around Kirkwall for ages at this point, but being in limbo is very different from settling in for the long haul. Though they are an independent settlement, they’re fairly involved in what’s going on in Kirkwall proper and obviously have strong connections with its people.

If they are nomadic/semi-nomadic, what are their migration habits like?

While they lived in the Frostbacks the clan moved as the weather changed, going further north in the winter and back south in the summer. They followed wild harts to ensure they always had game to hunt and pastures for their own animals. While they were settled in for a season they would set up tents covered in furs and skins to provide space to rest outside their aravels.

They ended up moving more often when they starting living further east because the land was far more unpredictable and they had to make sure they didn’t attract attention from any nearby human settlements. As a result they mostly lived out of their aravels and clearly had two types - ones to transport stuff, and ones that were homes.

In what ways does the clan sustain themselves? What do they have for resources, and how do they acquire/use/maintain them?

The nearby caves are full of nugs, mushrooms, and various ore, and even the giant spiders and deepstalkers can be used for the webs, venom, and scales.

The mountains themselves are home to august rams, hares, coyotes, and black bears, which provide the clan with meat, furs, leather, and (in the case of the rams) horns which can be carved into most anything. There’s also plenty of herbs and flowers native to the area, including a clearing of ironbark trees not far from the camp, which is of course an incredible resource.

In a pinch the clan could also always send a hunting party to the Planasene Forest or simply peruse the Kirkwall market stalls.

The problem is that almost everything in and under the mountains is dangerous, so scouts and hunters try to prepare themselves for anything from wild animals to darkspawn. Though, ideally, they won’t have to fight at all - instead preferring to use traps, poison, and stealth to their advantage. Clan Sabrae also has an abundance of mages from the fallen Circle, and having a magic on your side always makes things a little easier.

Imagine a spirit looking down at their site. What would they see?

Banners hung from stones at the city-side entrance to the camp, both a welcome and a warning to those arriving for Kirkwall. It’s a familiar shade of red, emblazoned with the white face of a halla.

Large aravels wrapped around the edges of an alcove in the mountain, forming makeshift walls. Some are flat-topped and covered in warm furs and skins; others look more like the landships humans expect to see, their red-orange sails wrapped tight for now. The camp itself has grown since the elves first arrived in Kirkwall, expanding further into the VImmark Mountains to accommodate the elves who’ve arrived from cities, Circles, and other Dalish clans. You can see from their mismatched clothing and the number of bare faces among the crowd that these elves all come from very different backgrounds, but the atmosphere of the camp is undeniably warm.

A shop is set up, where an old elf is chastising his young apprentices for the way they’re handling their ironbark tools. A red-headed elf sits among the halla, who’ve been penned just outside the camp; she looks at them like they’re her own children. A hunting party armed with wooden bows and ironbark blades returns from their adventures further into the mountains; they leave their catch - a deer - with another elf, before settling down by the campfire to listen to the stories a harhen is telling. The world was turned upside down, and these hunters know they must protect their clan from much worse than wild animals, but for a moment, in this place, they are safe.

What is their typical style of dress?

Furs and leather to keep them warm and protected, but otherwise it’s a hodgepodge. There are elves from all over that have joined the clan, and while a Circle mage might not want to keep wearing her robes, it’s easy enough to use to reuse the fabric and turn it into something new. They wear more shem-style clothing than you’d expected from a Dalish clan, but it’s all layered underneath typical elven armor, embroidered with elven style patterns, and tailored to better suit their tastes. Also, they wear closed toed shoes! They live on a mountain, they can’t just walk around barefoot.  

What are their interactions/relations with outsiders/other Dalish like?

Like everything with this clan, it’s a mixed bag. They’ve welcomed elves from all over and even helped human mages, plus Keeper Merrill is obviously pretty on top of what’s happening with people in Kirkwall, so the clan itself is pretty open to outsiders but that doesn’t mean everyone is comfortable trusting shem yet, or that the shemlen are thrilled to have a Dalish clan right outside the city. If nothing else, the arrangement’s been good for trade.

As for other Dalish, there’s some tension there. Word has spread about Marethari’s death and Merrill’s eluvian, and while some people are thrilled to Clan Sabrae to share what they’ve learned at the next Arlathven, others seem to think that there might be some truth to the rumors of demons in their midst. There are also clans that disapprove of how many city elves they’ve taken in, but that’s something the clans have always disagreed about.

If strangers were to approach them, how do they react?

With a welcoming smile and dozens of elven arrows trained on the stranger from afar. Like their Keeper, the clan is warm and friendly, but they’re not naive. In addition to the usual dangers that the Dalish face, they’ve also had to deal with people looking for apostates among their ranks or elven servants who’ve been “stolen” from their homes, and obviously Clan Sabrae isn’t going to give up anyone who comes to them for protection.

What are their interactions/relations with each other like?

Like any family, there’s ups and downs. 8P

It was rough at first. After Marethari’s death the clan was leaderless, and those that chose to stay near Kirkwall did so mainly just because they had no idea where else to go. Even more fled after the Chantry explosion, and not all who stayed to help the city were willing to work with Merrill until it became clear that no one else could be the leader she’d become. It was hard to hold on to their fear of her when they saw her risk her life to protect them and the city elves; saw in her the familiar young woman many of them had grown up with, more willful and loving than ever - not some abomination.

There’s still some tension around the mages, and of course arguments arise around day-to-day cultural differences but at the end of the day they’ve all got each other’s backs.

If a clan member wanted to leave the clan, how do they react?

There’d be a kerfuffle as they said their goodbyes and the clan would send them off with some supplies for the journey ahead, but no one’s gonna stop them. At this point they have a lot of elves coming and going, but even clan members who’ve been around forever are always free to leave if they wish.

What roles does the clan have, and what do they consist of?

Ofc there’s the Keeper, with her First and Second.

Master Illen is the master craftsman, and he trains many apprentices in creating armor, weapons, aravels, furniture, and even overpriced trinkets to sell to shemlen. After living so close to Kirkwall for so long they’ve started sending dedicated merchants into the city, many of whom are former city elves. With more mages in the clan they’ve also started enchanting amulets and such, though they mostly keep those for their hunters.

Maren is the head groom and Halla Keeper, and there are others who tend to the horses and mules they now keep as well.

A Hearthkeeper tends to things at home along with many of the other haren, keeping watch over the young children while their parents go about their daily duties.

There’s a healer whose versed in both healing magic and herbal remedies.

In recent years two Master Huntsmen have taken up training everyone in the clan to defend themselves, in addition to running more intensive drills with the hunters and scouts. There are always guards posted around the camp at all times - day and night - and those who venture from the camp always travel in tight-knit groups. The clan’s Second has also become involved in training the hunters who are mages, taking special care to make sure they can defend themselves against templars (both human and red).

How many people are part of the clan on average?

About 40 and growing. They’ve been stationary for a long time, which made it easy for other elves to find a join them. While many members fled after the Chantry explosion, new elves joined them seeking protection, especially mages who were fleeing the Gallows. Now that their home has been officially recognized by the Viscount they’ve attracted that much more attention.

What is the history behind the formation and building of the clan?

Sabrae was an elven lord during the time of the Dales, and a friend of the Emerald Knights Mahariel and Talas. During the Second Exalted March, Sabrae and Talas fled into the Arbor Wilds, leaving Mahariel and the other Emerald Knights behind to fight in Chantry invasion. As the Andrastian forces moved even further south, the newly formed clan continued into the Frostback Mountains.

The clan is obviously named after Sabrae, and Talas’ ancestors remained with the clan right up until recently; the line ended with Marethari. (Mahariel went on to found a different clan, where Mahariel’s name and mother are from. The ancient history between the clan founders is part of the reason why Mom’s elders didn’t want her to be with the Keeper of Clan Sabrae.)

What stories does the clan have with moral lessons?

The Halla and Her Three Kids, a fairy tale in which a halla mother goes out to forage, and warns her children not to leave the aravel while she’s away. She sings them a song and tells them to only open the door when they hear it. A servant of the Dread Wolf hears this and uses his wicked magic to change his voice and trick the kids into letting him in - only the youngest child is clever enough to be suspicious, and he hides while his two brothers are gobbled up.

When the mother halla returns she’s of course devastated, but her grief and rage are a powerful motivator. She calls upon Mythal as both a mother and as one seeking justice, Falon'Din to guide her lost children, and thanks Sylaise for keeping at least one child safe - and then she and her youngest begin to work on a trap.

The mother cooks a rich meal, and sets a special seat over a hidden pit, which is filled with embers and slow-burning firewood. She then invites the wolf to come to her home and mourn with her, as if she doesn’t know he is to blame. As he eats the chair grows heavier and heavier, until it collapses and he falls into the fire below. As he burns and pleads for his life, the mother tells him that she does as the gods have taught her: “a death for a death and a burn for a burn”. She and the child then finish off their enemy with a stoning, and all the halla in the clan celebrate with a real feast.

(This is an actual story I grew up with.)

What legends does the clan have about their people/history?

Clan Sabrae tells the story of a skilled hunter named Harralan, whose clan once lived in the Brecilian Forest. Harralan was arrogant and full of anger; he resented the life his people lived and dreamed of returning to the days when his people ruled cities and nations of their own. Though his wish was understandable, he thought of little else and allowed his heart to be clouded by his bitterness; so full of hate was he, that he attracted the attention of a rage demon.

The demon transformed him into Mythallen - a child of vengeance. Though he espoused concern for the future of the People, and for the injustices they have suffered, in truth he understood nothing of sympathy, compassion, forgiveness, or true leadership. Instead, he enslaved, yoking others to his revenge, transforming them into little more than weapons, extensions of his will.

The clan was able to destroy Mythallen, but too few of them remained to continue on as one. The remaining elves joined other clans, while their dead were remembered in legend.

How do clan members spend their leisure time? What do they do for fun?

They’ve picked up some games from humans - Wicked Grace being a particularly popular one. They also have their own gambling game that involves a four sided top, and some clan members have started combining both games.  

The harens don’t like it, but rock climbing is becoming the entertainment of choice for the younger members of the clan.

Also, reading! Many of the mages brought books with them from the Circle, plus Clan Sabrae now has unprecedented access to books that human and dwarven traders brought with them to Kirkwall.

What kind of laws/rules does the clan have?

Aside from the obvious, “be a respectable member of society” stuff, hunters and craftsmen are taught to respect the balance of the land and to use every part of the animals they hunt.

Everyone has a job to do, and every job is important. Whether you watch the children, whittle trinkets, or are the Keeper, every role is equally important to the survival of the clan.

Members of the clan are obligated to give mythvhen - a word that literally translates to righteousness, or righteous heart. This means to help others simply for the sake of helping, without receiving or expecting any recognition in return.

There are all sorts of rules associated with specific holidays and religious practices.

If a clan member breaks these rules, what punishments are there?

Depends on the severity obviously. A scolding from the Keeper (and probably every hahren, just for good measure), extra community work, exile at the worst. Unless something really terrible happens, the focus is less on punishment and more on understanding why the rule was broken, and explaining to the clan member why it’s important.

What is the clan’s culture surrounding birth?

During the first three months of pregnancy, couples and the healer won’t tell anyone else about the birth, to protect the baby from the evil eye. Even after the pregnancy is revealed, parents won’t even discuss naming the baby and nothing is prepared aside from what the child will need right after it’s born (so no toys and things like that).

Wards on the family’s aravel should be inspected, to make sure that spirits are being kept out.

A mother usually prays more often to Mythal, and a father to Elgar’nan. They pray to Sylaise to make their home safe and welcoming, and Andruil to keep the Dread Wolf at bay.

The birth itself is a joyous occasion, and the whole clan gets involved. A week after the child is born, the clan celebrates with a feast and welcomes them into the family. This is when the child is named, and the Keeper will say the first prayer for them using their new name, asking each god to watch over them.

What is the clan’s culture surrounding death?

When a clan members dies, the burial process begins immediately.

The dead is covered until they are with the Keeper, at which point they are uncovered and washed with water from a mountain stream. They are then dressed in simple burial clothing - white cloth, nothing more - and a sash is wrapped around their waist and tied in a way that represents the god of their vallaslin. (If they were too young to have been tattooed yet, the sash represents Falon'Din.)

From death until burial the dead is never alone, and those with them regularly recite prayers to Falon’Din, asking for safe passage into the beyond.

No more than a day after the death, the body is brought to the graveyard at the top of Sundermount and laid to rest alongside their ancestors. A tree is planted to mark their grave, and the Keeper asks Mythal to watch over her people even in death - the prayer directed towards the statue of Mythal that stands in the graveyard.

The deceased’s family mourn for a week, rarely leaving their aravel and putting vanity aside to allow themselves all possible space to grieve and process. Clan members will take care to bring them food and drink, keep them company, and take over their daily duties. After the week is up they return to work, but of course the clan is mindful of the pain they are still feeling.

What are the most monumental parts of life for clan members?

Receiving their vallaslin is an obvious one, as it means they are now an adult in the clan’s eyes. Young elves spend the day in contemplation, meditating on which vallaslin is most suited to them. Once they’re ready, they will wash and purify themselves, then don a traditional shawl that has likely been passed through their family. At sundown the Keeper will begin applying the vallaslin, during which time the young elf must make sure not to make a sound.

In what ways does the clan honor and revere the Elven Pantheon?

In every way? Lol

By which I mean, there are prayers for literally everything. Before a hunt, after a hunt, when skinning an animal, when purifying a home, when setting magical wards, when eating a meal, when making an herbal remedy. A prayer for an elven birth, a different prayer for a halla birth. A prayer to keep a secret, and a prayer to reveal hidden knowledge. And so on.

Some are longer than others, some are more formal, some are made up on the spot, but the gods are woven into everything. The clan doesn’t pray with the intention of being heard, but they want to acknowledge their heritage and give thanks that they can carry on these traditions.

What practices does the clan have in regards to vallaslin? How is an elf determined to be ready? How is the design chosen?

Oops I already talked about this a little bit. To add on from question 27, elves receive their valasllin soon after their 17th birthday. The Keeper and the hahrens discuss among themselves whether or not a child is ready, based on how mature they are; in other words, how ready they seem to take on the burden of being an adult in the clan.

What is the clan’s vallaslin like?

Just the normal vallaslin from DA:O.

#aisling mahariel #bran mahariel #clan sabrae #dragon age

[tepid-tea]

Hello Drama; its been a while..

I don’t think I’ve posted personal drama in a while but I feel like I need to get this off my chest. Cause this didn’t just effect me but it has pretty much torn up my little group of friends which was not the intent.

Heres some background before we start…

Emerald City Comic Con for those who have followed my little slice of tumblr knows is a yearly nerd pilgrimage my friends and I do every year. We all arrange rides and drive down from Vancouver, BC to Seattle, WA for a 4-5 day where we eat, drink and buy way too much stuff at the convention.  We’ve all gone pretty much as a group for the last… shit 4 or five years? Possibly more? Now last year I spent waaaay to much money as the Canadian Dollar was in the tank ( still is pretty much lol)  and I went a little over board. Now Hotel prices have steadily been going up  etc etc so even without the spending I was already over budget. Now early on this year I had decided that I wasn’t going to go to ECCC in 2018 due to how much hotel and such costs. The tickets themselves aren’t so bad but if you’re not a local in Seattle or don’t have a friends couch to sleep on we’re talking close to $1000 CAD for 4 nights in a hotel even with the Convention discount.  That includes parking but still…. Yikes right? I went to Disneyland (flight & Hotel) for only like $30 more than that. That’ $1000 doesn’t even include my convention pass! So needless to say I wasn’t going since my family is planning on doing like  a week plus in Disneyland next summer so that was what I was going to save up for instead. It bummed me out because ALL of my friends were going to this (except maybe one but we will get to that shortly) and it was my first time not going to be able to join them. But it was my decision and I was going to stick with it. Now fast forward too maybe a week or so ago right before the tickets went on sale everyone was excited and stuff and I was pretty much over it at this point when  my friend who hadn’t planned on going either cause he kept saying how much it sucked, (we’ll call him R) texted me and asked if I wanted to just go for the Saturday. Now a part of me was unsure because we would have to get up at the crack ass of dawn to drive the 2 and a half hours to Seattle, find expensive Downtown parking and get our passes, walk around all day only to have to drive the 3 and a half ours back. Now my friend R doesn’t drive. Doesn’t know how; takes transit or bums rides from our friends who drive all the time.  So I would have to do all of this driving.  I’m unsure but he ramps it and says he’ll split gas and parking so without really thinking it through ( probably out of desperation of wanting to go even at a small scale) I agree. Everyone I tell that we’re going for just the day say I’m fucking looney cause I’m pretty much doing all the work here.  It’s not like if I get tired I can trade off with someone to drive. 2 and a half hours isn’t really long but… I mean when you’re that tired it can feel like a super long time. Also I’d have to drive him home, which he lives like a half an hour the opposite direction of my house so that’s adding another hour onto my drive time.  But I’m like cool sure. Then we never talk about it again. Until yesterday morning. 

My friend K texts me and says she’s accidentally ordered 1 too many Vendor passes. She got her table this year in Artist alley and wanted to know if I could come with and help her and her boyfriend ( who happens to be my best friend) run her booth. Now I’ve helped run her booth for conventions off and on for the past couple years. At Local ones and for the three years at ECCC ( except 2017’s convention, she didn’t get chosen and thus didn’t come with us) so I’ve got experience in how she likes to run shit. At first I tell her no, I’m doing the one day thing and I can’t afford the hotel alone plus everything's probably all booked by now even if I could find someone.  But then she says to ask our friend J as she and like 3 of our other friends are sharing a room ( Like every year) and could possible have space for me too? 

 She said to let her know by Friday so if I don’t go she can try and e-mail the convention ppl to try and get a refund ( tickets like $125 usd) because she can’t sell it like a normal ticket. So I go to work and not really think about it again till like later in the evening. I’m having dinner with C ( K’s bf and my best friend ANNND R’s best friend)  and the ticket offer comes up during our conversation. He says to give our friend J a text about their hotel situation, prices and what not because if it’s cheap, why not? He knew I was pretty bummed about not going the full weekend and wasn’t too stoked about driving so much ( he wasn’t too happy about it on my behalf it seemed either. he’s an overprotective puppy). So I ask J and their  5th person they were going to have in their room bailed and they had space. I’d get a blow up mattress and  it would be $150 USD for  3 nights for my half of the hotel ( roughly as taxes/hotel parking etc). So thats $275.00 USD  AND they offered to drive me there and back, provide the air mattress etc.  I tell C and its like how can you say no to that? He says do it. Now first thing I worry is how R is going to take it. He gets upset easy and yeah I’m being kind of a dick on bailing on him.  The Con is in 4 months as in that time we could figure out a way for him to either get there without me driving him or help him sell the tickets. However even without committing to it 100% at the time I feel bad, I hate bailing on people like that.  

So this morning I send this huge text to R explaining the situation and apologise for the whole thing but offer to help him work out how to either sell them or figure a way there and back.  R loses his absolute shit, says I’m the worst friend ever. Says this is the worst possible thing I could ever do to him and this is basically ending our friendship.  I then ask him how could something like this be a friendship ender  ( I’ve forgiven him him for FAR worse offences on shit he’s pulled on me but THAT'S a whole other traumatizing thing that we don’t talk about anymore because it almost gives me a panic attack thinking of it) then offer again to help make other arrangements for him to either come along or sell the tickets. He then accuses me of going behind his back and plotting with our other friends to screw him over ( not true like wtf?) then proceeds to block my phone number and blocks me on all social media before we can work anything out. ( there are 6 texts in total, two from me and the rest are him freaking at me) In the end he ends up blocking 5 different friends of ours ( though he’s re-added K I later find out) and proceeds to shit talk me on FB where I can’t see and blocks anyone who tries to stick up for me ( Thus the 4 friends still blocked). I mean I understand he’s upset but we are in our mid 30’s for fuck sakes! We’re fucking adults! Why can’t we have a fucking adult conversation and work something out? I admit it was shitty to bail on him however I offered to help him find another solution to get there, to help sell them both and even offer to just straight pay for my half to compensate. However none of these offers were taken because he didn’t get his own way and would rather flip his shit. 

Needless to say my whole day was fucked.  I felt horrible but the more nasty shit he posted on FB that I got told about and shit he’s been pulling on everyone else, I started to feel less bad for the whole thing. There was no grand plot to screw him over; I simply took advantage of an opportunity only for it to fuck everything up.  I tried to keep it just between the two of us to keep damage to a minimum cause we share best friends and it's not fair to drag C into the middle of this or any of our other friends for that matter but he insisted on it. So about an hour after I started this text rant K texted and asked if she could call me; which of course I say yes.  After an hour and a half talk  I go over my side on what's happened and what we can do to fix it and keep C out of it.  K and I both love C ( in very different ways mind you LOL) and her and I are going to do our hardest to keep him out of it.  Her and I have both agreed not to talk about the situation in front of him and try to keep the others from doing so as well ( god knows what R has sent him).  C doesn’t take conflict really well (Neither does myself and K to be honest but C more so) and I told K I really don’t want C to be dragged into it…. 

Like fuck I didn’t want anyone to get dragged into it but R is a drama queen and I’m the villain.

SO YA! Fuck my life!

Anyone want to go see the New Star Wars Movie with me? Cause R is selling off my first showing ticket for that. Anyone want to see a movie with a shitty villainous person?

#personal #shitty day rant #I've had a headache all day and jsut generally hate myself

[cosmic--kid]

How Bout sum stupid things with pals stories?

Ok ok I have tons of those but the only one I can think of is the track choir boy story so we’ll go with that one. (I may have told this story before so just like, kick me if I have and I’ll tell a different one)

Alrighty well. I’m choir. I do that sing thing where you wear fancy clothes and do stuff with a big group of people. Where I go to school, we have a vocal clinic in the fall where a bunch of schools get together and sing in huge combined choirs.

Kianna was sick for this day so I was sad™ and in the class I had to leave we were talking about the Renaissance which made me ultra sad™ but I was determined to have a good time anyways. So I get on the bus with my friends and we head over to the other school. I think there were like, 4-5 schools there but I’m not sure. We were sitting in the cafeteria, just having a grand time, when we’re told that we have to split into the different choirs. I get up with my friends and we’re about to go when this line of people kind of cut in front of us. I’m about to be an asshole and probably say something rood when I lock eyes with this boy. And we hold this eye contact until he leaves with the rest of his group. I, no joke, feel like my head is going to explode.

I turn to my friends and practically start screeching. One of them looks confused and the other one tries to get me to point him out but he’s long gone and we have to leave. 

Skip for a while after a shitty clinic where I probably cried more than once and lunch where I was sitting in painful denial that I even thought this kid was cute in the first place.

It’s dinner and afterwards is the concert. I bring up the boy for the umpteenth time that day when I see him. And I start crying laughing. Like practically rolling on the floor wheezing with tears in my eyes because oh my god are those robes?? Like gospel church choir robes!! My friends are frantically trying to get me to tell them what’s wrong but all I can do is try to breathe and point in his direction.

I finally calm down and my friend is giving me the look. Y’know the one. She starts to grab for my hand and I do what I can describe as going toddler limp and almost wailing bc it doesn’t matter how cute this guy is there is no way in hell that I’m going to go and talk to him.

She just starts to pull me across while the other assures me that I won’t have to do any talking, they’ll do everything. Friend 1 lets go of me and we walk together while Friend 2 grabs one of their friends and tells them to talk to me while the two of them pursue.

I got this. I got this. I don’t got this. I start panicking as soon as we get close bc he is too damn precious and I just can’t. The hired friend grabs me and tells me that everything is fine. We’re just gonna stand over here looking cool and casual until thing one and two come back. 

Yeah, that didn’t happen. Friend 2 comes back with tears in their eyes and laughing so hard they’re almost on the floor. I keep trying to ask what’s wrong but all they say is that he looks like this other guy that we know. I get a good long look at him and their right. 

We both start to CRY on the floor laughing so hard because that’s the funniest coincidence that has ever happened apparently and I forgot that Friend 1 is still over there.

She is not about to give up on the mission at hand. She points to me, just getting up and wiping away my tears, and says,”Do you see that kid over there? They think you’re cute.” (I CRY ABOUT THIS TO THIS DAY WHAT ARE WE IN MIDDLE SCHOOL)

Friend 2 elbows me and before I can yell point over to the boy who is now looking at me. He’s blushing and once I look back at him he breaks out in a huge grin. MY HEART JUST MELTS UGHHH. He looks like he’s about to come over but we all have to leave to our respective practice rooms and I won’t stop gushing about him for the rest of the night.

NOW FOR THE WEIRD PART.

Fast forward a week later. I’m sitting in my Honors English and we have a computer day but I already finished my draft so I decide to switch to my personal account (I was using my school one) and there’s a doc shared with me that says: WELCOME TO TRACK SEASON 2017 PACKET. (something like that its buried so I can’t find it). Now, to my knowledge, I didn’t sign up for track. Joining my schools track team is like signing up for a painful trip to hell its the most terrifying thing you could possibly do. But the mascots don’t match up. So then I think “Maybe, like, my cousin or something accidentally forwarded this to me no big deal.”

I keep reading it and the school isn’t one that I recognize. So I look it up.

It’s the school that he goes to.

AND I’M ON THAT SCHOOLS TRACK TEAM NOW???? I HAVE NO IDEA HOW THIS HAPPENED?????

Needless to say I screamed about it and my classmates thought I was crazy. 

I never went to a single practice. And apparently they went to state and I’m proud of them.

#anonymous #you asked for a friend story and then it slowly evolved into a pax is sad and gay story #sorry m8 #this is super long im so sorry oh my gosh #// long post

[hashtagartistlife]

KILL YOUR DARLINGS, pt. 2 (Discarded Fic Edition) (Part 1 here) 

(A small snippet written after someone asked the group chat (I think it was Rodella) ‘hey, do you think Uryuu can’t bear to look in mirrors anymore bc he looks so much like his mom and that hurts him?’)

There’s something odd about Ishida-kun’s house, but Orihime doesn’t quite manage to put her finger on it until about the third or fourth visit.

“Sorry, Ishida-kun, could you let me know where the bathroom is…?” she asks, in between a brace of calculus problems; Ishida-kun looks up from his Japanese literature homework, a little startled, and points vaguely down the hallway.

“Oh— oh, right, it’s the first door to the left,” he says, and goes back to his book. Orihime excuses herself with a small smile.

It occurs to her while washing her hands afterwards; the reason why Ishida-kun’s house has always felt a little… off-kilter.

There aren’t any mirrors in his house at all.

(The discarded beginnings of a fic I was writing for deathberryprompts’ weekly prompt, paradise.)

There are birds of paradise sitting by her windowsill, pretty in their wrought-iron cages. A note, written in an elegant hand, is attached to the lock: Congratulations on the union. The birds are a set, a male and female; currently asleep with their brightly coloured heads bent together. Rukia’s hand itches for the key. In the quiet of the morning before everyone wakes, everything still seems a beautiful possibility.

Her trembling fingers sweep over the fabric of her dress, skitter over the handle of her sword; nobody would ever know. One twist of her wrist, a key turning in a lock, and she’d never have to see them in captivity again. A gift, from some far-flung branch of her family. Who would she be offending? Does she rightly care? She does not understand why her marriage should be celebrated by tying creatures of the sky down to a lifetime on the ground. What a terrible thing; to lose your wings. To never even realise what you’ve lost—

The key is such a slender thing to be the only obstacle between them and the endless expanse of the sky. Rukia grips it in her hand, and though she is tiny, the key is tinier still; such an easily lost thing, this tenuous bridge to freedom. It shakes as she moves it towards the lock.

(When we were busy writing irbb, the irbb writer’s chat did a thing where we rewrote a snippet of each other’s fic in our own writing style. The excerpt in italics is a scene from Jess @sequencefairy’s irbb fic, Torque, which you can find here (x). The part following is my take on that scene.)

There are always sirens at night, Tokyo is a big city, and even though Karakura is a relatively quiet part of it, Ichigo can always count on hearing the wail of some siren, somewhere. These are close, and, in his relatively extensive experience, they are police sirens. He gets up, shuffles across his bed and pulls his window open further.

They get closer still, and now Ichigo can make out the whine of an engine being pushed to it’s limit. They must be a number of blocks away still. Ichigo pulls out his phone, keeping half an ear on the noise outside and scrolls through his twitter feed. Sometimes, if he’s lucky, the Tokyo police force traffic detachment will give information about current traffic disruptions. There’s a screech of tires and Ichigo winces. His thumb pauses in its movement on his phone’s screen and everything seems to hush.

The moment hangs. Ichigo forgets to breathe.

The crunch and squeal of metal on metal is unmistakable, even at this distance. He’s already pulling on his sweater by the time the phone in the clinic rings.

________________________________________________________________

The still air of his bedroom is split by the sound of police sirens. This in itself is nothing new; living on the edge of a city as big as Tokyo, the fantasy of an undisturbed night is something he has long since discarded. But these sound closer to him than usual, and Ichigo strains to hear them. It was unusual to have a chase this close to Karakura-cho. He flings his window open and reaches for his phone.

His twitter feed reveals nothing unusual, but Ichigo stays on edge. The sirens get closer at an alarmingly fast rate, and now he can make out the whirring of the engines and the skid of tyres on asphalt that tell him they’re only a few blocks away. His phone is crushed in his palm. Ichigo knows from experience; a chase at this speed ends in only one of two ways. Voluntary surrender, or…

The screech of metal on metal tears through the sky, and Ichigo’s already gone; the phone slips from his sweaty grip to land on his abandoned bed even as the one in the clinic begins its urgent and unmistakeable song.

(The beginnings of a discarded fic I was writing for deathberryprompts’ weekly prompt, lunar.)

There is something about the moon that night. Brighter than the streetlamps that dot the streets below, less harsh than the fluorescents inside the house, she emits a soft, steady light that bleaches the surroundings of colour and makes the edges of objects glow.

(.... this was going to be a fic where it looks like Ichigo is talking to Rukia at first, but as the fic progresses the reader notices things getting weirder and weirder until at the end they realise that a) Ichigo was actually just monologuing to the moon and that b) Rukia’s been dead for ten years. (Un)Fortunately for everyone involved, my muse for this fled, so this is all there is of that.)

(Some Ryuuken/Katagiri + Uryuu introspective thing that I really want to finish, but I can’t remember where I was going with it :sadface:)

The boy’s in love.

For all that other people called Ryuuken an awful father, he’s always been adept at reading his son’s emotions; Uryuu always been far too much like Kanae for him to not be able to see every flicker of thought across his idiotically expressive face.

(The discarded beginnings of a fic I was writing for deathberryprompts’ weekly prompt, truth-bridge-knife. The ellipses indicate that there was supposed to be more writing in between, but I never quite got around to it.)

Here’s the thing: the truth is, she’s never loved him.

Oh, people supposed. If you had, you certainly wouldn’t have been the first; they never seem to understand, all these outsiders, that she’s never felt more for him than what a mentor would feel for their student, what a comrade would feel for their fellow soldiers-in-arms. The bond forged by blood and war is stronger than any covenant sealed with homework and trips to the arcade; she supposes it’s easy to confuse such a bond with love. But it’s not like he’s ever singled her out for special treatment compared to the rest of his comrades. It’s not like she ever treated him any different to Renji or nii-sama or any of the other men in her life. She loves him, of course; she loves all her friends. But she’s never been in love with him.

Here’s the thing: he’s never been more than a bridge to her; a connection back to the world that she belongs in.

.

.

.

And now, here’s the thing: truth isn’t a bridge. Truth is a knife and you can wield it in the same way, cut, cut, slash. Truth is subjective and truth is not what the Kuchiki Clan keeps and sometimes, the truth isn’t the truth, not at all, but everyone agrees that it should be the truth and they won’t listen to anything else.

.

.

.

So, here’s the thing: the truth is that he’s always never been just a friend. Love and companionship are needless essential emotions and she had both was missing both before he came into her life. It’s not like he changed her world and dried her rain; it’s not like she became his ray of light. The truth is that they’ll always never be ‘just friends’.

But here’s the thing: people don’t care. They’ve never cared and what can such a ragged, patchwork truth do to disguise the festering wound that’s opened up between them, more effective than a child’s the floor is lava game in keeping them apart? Nobody wants to read between the lines anymore and what matters is what the Kuchiki Clan’s records say. Some truths are truer than others and none are as true as the Kuchiki Clan’s truths, and there, written in her own hand, in the truest true-black ink she can find, will be her name; linked to a man she’s never wanted, not like that. And in time, when there is no more Ichigo and Rukia, that will be all that remains; just her name linked to someone else’s in true-black ink, the only truth left out of the myriads of other truths that they keep.  

(The discarded beginnings of a fic I was writing for deathberryprompts’ weekly prompt, truth-bridge-knife (can you tell I was very taken by this prompt… also that it was viciously difficult for me :’)). Truth was supposed to be Sode no Shirayuki, Bridge was supposed to be Zabimaru, and Knife was supposed to be Zangetsu.)

(Truth)

The truth is that you’ve never liked the boy. Hair like the blazing sun, and a soul equally as hot; yet what is the sun to the snow but anathema? You waited out your stint in the boy’s soulscape like a curse. In his heart, there is no room to hide, nowhere to escape or take shelter. If it rains, you get soaked; if the sun shines, you burn. You wish the boy would learn some tact; some scrap of control. You lend him your powers because you see no other choice. You never even give him your name. He never thinks to ask.

The truth is you don’t like him. He jumps into things without thinking; deliberation and calculation is second nature to you. You felt abandoned, see; when she relinquished her grip on your heart almost eagerly, handed you over to him like you’re water through her fingers and not solid ice growing through her veins.

.

.

.

(Bridge)

It surprises you how easily a bridge of a hundred years, forged from the sweat and tears and blood of shared friends, crashes and burns.

It doesn’t matter how many years have gone into its making; it doesn’t matter how steady you thought it beneath your feet. One moment of inaction is all it takes, and she’s sliding your master’s hands from her shoulders, averting her eyes. You think you can see the smoke as everything goes up in flames.

You didn’t know her then, yuki-onna. You won’t know her for another forty years.

.

.

.

(Knife)

You haven’t been called upon in years.

Even the best swords rust if they’ve been neglected. You’re not sure you can even call yourself a sword any more. A kitchen knife, maybe— maybe less than that. A butterknife. You almost envy that imposter that once took up space inside his mind, as much as you had cursed him once— he, at least, had bailed while the King was intact. You could overthrow him now, sure, but for what? There’s no point in ruling over a field of ashes. His fire has long since burned out.

(A very very short snippet of a Bleach x Percy Jackson AU)

“You’re a demigod.”

Ichigo blinks. “I know I’m good-looking, but that’s coming on a little strong, don’t you think?”

The girl with the odd violet eyes smacks him upside the head. “Not that kind of demigod, you fool,” she snaps. “I doubt an oaf like you would be familiar with Greek mythology—”

“No, I know a little.” It takes a short second to sink in, and when it does, he bolts up from his chair. “Wait, demigod as in Greek mythology demigod—??”

“Yes.”

“But, but,” he splutters, “we’re Japanese.”

She smacks him again, harder. “Don’t question it, fool!”

(idk what this is but I like it.)

In his dreams, he loses her a hundred, a thousand, a million different ways. To fire, to flood, to a sword through the gut; to creeping disease and the ravages of time. Always right before his eyes, so that he can see the life draining from her; always, always, always helpless.

None of the dreams ever hurt as much as waking up does.

(A really, really old (several years at least) highschool soccer AU fic I started bc Korea lost to Australia in the Asian Cup and I got pissed as hell lmao)

The shrill blast of the whistle cut through the morning air as twenty-two people erupted into simultaneous noises of outrage, but one voice carried clearly over the rest.

“A foul?! Which part?! Any moron could have seen that it was his foot that tripped me over!”

“Not bloody likely!” snarled player fifteen, his face slowly flushing to match his distinctive orange hair. “Look at her! I’m not even sure she’s tall enough to actually trip over my feet! If anything, she’s the one that was underfoot, not me!”

“Underfoot?” The woman’s eyes flashed dangerously as she took a step closer to player fifteen, and despite being a clear foot and a half taller, he stumbled backwards in his haste to avoid her searing anger. “I’ll show you underfoot, you great, big, bullying lout—”

“That’s enough!” Another shrill pipe of the whistle, this time right into the two players’ ears; they jumped back comically, the boy tripping over the ball and landing flat on his backside. The opposing team hid their sniggers behind clean white shirts accented in violet. “Kuchiki, Kurosaki, no name-calling on the field. Kuchiki, last I checked you weren’t the umpire. It’ll be Kurosaki’s free kick. Resume play!”

“I believe in you, onii-chan!” a sweet-looking girl with pigtails called from the stands as the orange-haired striker assumed position; the white-clad team slunk into formation, muttering darkly about the umpire— Mizuiro, wasn’t it? Fucker’s got raisins for eyes— behind his back. Player twenty-three, black-haired, violet-eyed, seething with anger, settled into a defensive stance; her opponent smirked at her lazily.

“Don’t worry, Yuzu, I got this,” he called back to the stands, but his eyes were trained on her.

Bring it, they said.

There was nothing that Kuchiki Rukia did better.

________________________________________________________________

Half time at the annual ‘friendship’ match between Karakura High and Seireitei Academy brought with it a frustrating score of nil-all, multiple yellow cards, numerous fouls and several inappropriate insults hurled across the field. The umpire for the first half had narrowly managed to avoid an angry Seireitei Academy mob, slipping away into the Karakura High stands before blood could be drawn. The game so far had been tight; the two teams were evenly matched, and, as such games tended to go, had been getting increasingly dirty with time.

(Very old Ichiruki sort of camp counsellors AU I was writing based on some of my own experiences with mentoring at camps)

“We are going to annihilate you.”

A perfectly acceptable sentiment in team sports, had it not been for the fact that currently, their teams were made up of borderline terrified seventh-graders on their first highschool camp. Kuchiki Rukia brandished a finger in his direction, and Kurosaki Ichigo rolled his eyes.

“In your dreams,” he retorted, spinning his makeshift paddle in one hand and looking for all the world like a full-grown adult to their coterie of kids. The mischievous gleam in his eyes, however, could only belong to a teenager, and a reckless, headstrong, seventeen-year-old one at that. “Bring it, Queen midget.”

“For god’s sake, you’re leading kids. Do you have no shame?” Ishida Uryuu interjected from the side, rolling his sleeves up methodically and pushing his glasses up his nose. Behind him, Inoue Orihime smiled apologetically, ushering yet more seventh graders along behind her. Rukia and Ichigo looked at each other.

“Not really,” they both replied, before turning to their frightened looking protegees.

“Besides, you guys want to win too, don’t you?” Rukia asked, flashing a grin that was all teeth. There was a short silence.

One brave soul nodded.

________________________________________________________________

Peer mentoring as a concept had existed for a while now in education; it developed leadership and organisational skills for the mentor, helped younger students settle into the rhythm of school life with minimal discomfort and fostered a sense of unity and mutual respect throughout the school. A beneficial arrangement all around, many schools had soon adopted the procedure of assigning an older peer mentor to a group of younger students. Karakura high was no exception; their ten-week peer mentoring program in which students in their twelfth and final year of schooling each mentored a group of roughly five seventh-graders was generally acknowledged to be the best leadership program around for miles, and looked stellar on any resume, reference letter or college application one cared to write.

So there was no way in hell that Kurosaki Ichigo and Kuchiki Rukia, two of the most promising students of the 2015 graduating class, was about to pass that chance up.

(Old hichiruki oneshot set straight after the fullbring reunion)

He’s taller.

Kuchiki Rukia is used to being small; used to having men and women tower over her day and night, used to fighting and defeating people and monsters that far outstrip her in size. Her lack of physical presence is something she is long accustomed to, such that she barely gives a passing thought to size differences between her and her opponents these days. People who are taller and bigger than her have long since ceased to unnerve her, given how she has been positively diminutive all her life—

So then why am I so acutely aware of the fact that he’s taller than me?

Not just taller than her, no; taller than before, specifically. Silently, Rukia berates herself; human males grow, it’s not as if she didn’t know this. Did she think Ichigo would forever remain the angry fifteen-year-old she had first transferred her powers to? Of course it was natural that he’d have gained a few inches since she’d last seen him, but for some reason, the fact that he is notably taller and broader than when she left him is really hitting home at this moment.

Maybe it’s because of his proximity to her. Suddenly flushing, she realises how close they are standing; attempting to hide her flaming blush (it’s ridiculous, this is Kurosaki Ichigo, why would she be blushing—), she coughs and takes a deliberate step away from him.

.

.

.

“I’m not your princess.”

He cocks his head at her, like a disturbing, overlarge bird. “No?” he hisses, eyes glinting in the half-dark. He grins a grin that’s all teeth, and his tongue curls out and runs across his bottom lip. He slams a fist into his palm as though he’s figured something out. “Queen, then. There, that fits better, anyway. You’re not some timid bitch under someone else’s rule. You only bow for the King, don’t you?”

“I’m not your Queen either,” she says steadily. Her voice does not betray her inner turmoil, and for that she is thankful. “And I don’t bow to anyone—“

The hollow snorts. “Tell that to the King,” he says, getting up from the bed. Rukia smothers her instinctual reaction to take a step back.

(Ichiruki Snow Queen AU, version 1: Ichigo dies in the war with Yhwach, Rukia singlehandedly ends the Thousand Year Blood War, goes insane with grief, turns the Seireitei into a desolate icy wasteland and flees to the snow fields with Ichigo’s body, which she encases in ice and basically becomes a hermit ice queen protecting the corpse of her loved one. Several hundred years later, a reincarnated Ichigo comes to the Seireitei, wonders why everything is so shitty and cold, and decides he’s going to go give this ‘Ice Queen’ a piece of his goddamn mind. He likes summer, ok?)

The thousand year blood war ends like this:

Kurosaki Ichigo falls, blood spurting from a wound that not even Inoue can close. Unohana, who might yet have saved him by dint of accumulated centuries of medical knowledge, lies a lifeless corpse in the bottommost floor of Muken. Urahara is too far away on the battlefield to implement any of his clever schemes, and his father is god knows where, doing god knows what. Aizen watches his demise with passive eyes. Yhwach swings his broadsword, and blood trails from its edge in scarlet droplets – scatters on the soil like rain. He laughs, Kurosaki Ichigo falls, and dooms the entirety of the Seireitei to fall with him.

Yhwach laughs, because he can see it now, his victory, his victory, Soul Society his to rule and a realm of endless carnage that would ensure he never lose the light– but all those eyes and that almost infinite power of his could not have shown him what came next.

It is not Kurosaki Ichigo he has to worry about. It is a tiny shinigami, not even worth making the special war potentials list, barely a foot soldier before her promotion to lieutenant a year prior to the battle. She is the one who ends the thousand year blood war, she and her zanpakutou spirit and the mindless energy that comes with the severance of a fate ordained by a higher being than he could have ever imagined.

For if the Soul King evades his prophetic eyes, what hope does he have of perceiving the fabric of destiny woven by a power greater and more terrible than ten Soul Kings combined?

The moment he felled Kurosaki Ichigo was the moment he sealed his mortal fate. The last thing Yhwach sees before frost encases him is a blinding pillar of white annihilating half of the Seireitei.

(Ichiruki Snow Queen AU, version 2: Sode no Shirayuki gets jealous of the ‘unbreakable bond’ between Rukia and Ichigo, and also she thinks that Rukia’s kind, giving heart is basically barring her from true greatness, so she blankets the Seireitei in an eternal winter, erases Rukia’s memories and kidnaps her to some ice castle on the edge of a cliff, so she can train her to be the Queen of the universe that Shirayuki knows she can be. Ichigo, predictably, is having None Of That Shit, thank you very much.)

Winter comes upon the Seireitei without warning that year.

Softly, quietly, almost without anyone noticing, the first snow comes, blanketing the eaves of the nobles’ and the commoners’ houses alike, the cold winds starts stealing into the alleyways and shakes the last of the autumn leaves off the trees, creeping frost scurries along the pavement, filling their cracks–

and slowly, imperceptibly, the unfurling of something colder than the winter, pale violet eyes blinking open, waking to the world it observes with dispassionate detachment before deciding–

something was wrong.

.

.

.

She looks out the window, to the blizzard just starting up outside; he is still there, waiting in the snow.

“Who is he, Shirayuki?” she asks later, when it is just the two of them and any cries of her name— Rukia, Rukia— are drowned out by the wind whipping through the corridors. “He burns like the sun.”

The tiniest furrowing of Shirayuki’s brow, an almost imperceptible tremble in her hands— but then she blinks, and it is gone.

“I know not, and I care even less,” she says, face smooth and cold. “The sun is no friend to the snow, Rukia.”

(...Some kinda timeskip!feels, I suppose?)

It’s been 17 months, not that he’s been counting.

Or maybe he has; and who would blame him? After all the shit that happened to him two winters ago, the peaceful life he’s living now seems almost like a dream. He lives in constant fear—

Fear?

— fear of it disappearing, like so much smoke through his fingers, so is it any wonder he keeps count, to this day? You know, kind of like those joke signs about workplace safety. It has been X days since our last nonsense. Yeah, that’s definitely what it was. Every day that he adds to his mental tally reassures him—

does it

— reassures him, and one day there’ll be so many days that he’ll have lost count. One day the days that he’s had to count will outnumber the days that he hasn’t counted, and he looks forward to that day with a reverence bordering on fanaticism; he can’t wait till he can do away with the tally altogether, until he’s secure enough in his normal

mundane

life that he no longer has to count every new day like an

disappointment

achievement. Because that day will come, he tells himself, gritting his teeth, curling his hands into fists, that day will come when he no longer leaves his windows open at night and leans into the cold snap of the frost; that day will come when he doesn’t jerk away from butterflies and look the other way when he sees Inoue or Chad or Ishida running down the corridors, skipping class. The tally is only one part of it, the easiest part of it all; and that day will come when he can take it down from his mental walls and throw it in the trash. But for now, for now—

Seventeen months and a day, since he last saw spirits. 

#bleach #ichiruki #kurosaki ichigo #kuchiki rukia #writer life #kill your darlings #ishihime #bleach fic

[nacsygen]

speaking of fashion, i feel like rambling about my boobs, and this is my tumblr, so i will.  also bc this is tumblr, i will frame my rambling about my boobs in the context of my mental health journey.

over the past coming up on four years, my mental health has had a drastic (thought not constantly) upwards trajectory, from ‘’trembling waif unable to hold a conversation without wanting to literally run and hide and/or cry’’ to ‘’wow, i just realized it’s been like two years since i felt like absolute shit for no real reason for more than, like, a day at a time. is this like...is this what being happy is like? wow!*” *”oh shit, now i have to actually live past 25...” part of it was maturing yes, bc no matter what bullshit they tell you, you’re still growing and maturing in your 20s too - and after that, too, for your whole life, really.  the idea that you should have all your shit figured out by the time you’re 22 is some kind of implied propaganda we all internalized around when they were showing us the charts in middle school that showed the average incomes of people with different levels of degrees.  and if you’re not the kind of person to have your shit together by 22 - say, you’re not neurotypical, or you’ve got un-dealt-with-traumas, or you’re just not the kind of person or at the stage in your life where post-secondary is the right fit for you, or any combination of the above, or anything else - when you DON’T have your shit together by the time you’re “supposed” to, it just feels like salt in the wound, when you’re different.  it feels - no, it IS damaging, especially if you’ve never been able to really internalize the idea that it’s O K to be on a different life path than what you’re “supposed” to be.  that is, in fact, the very thing that culminated in the worst and last (and i sincerely hope it’s the LAST) depressive episode of my life, around my 25th birthday. i feel sorry for the girl who was me from 20 to 25.  poor thing hurt a lot, and too often. but the main part of my getting better was just getting help.  or rather, my mom reaching out to do the research for me, finally recognizing that i wasn’t going to magically get better on my own and that guilt tripping and anger were not helping my crippling depressive withdrawal (and while i know that the physically disabled tend to not care for the psychologically disabled using the term “crippling”, in my case it definitely extended to the physically disabling in several very literal ways that i won’t get into here).  my mom did the research and made me make the calls.  i was very lucky that there was a low-income mental health center 15 minutes down the road.  i was exceedingly lucky in that i got an incredible counselor who’d been through it herself, herself now (then) in her late 20s, early 30s, maybe one or two levels up from where i am now. my sessions with her literally changed and quite probably saved my life.  i went from crying in every session and her gently and considerately seeing me out the back door of the office to minimize the strangers who’d see my raw vulnerability, to the sessions being the highlights of my week, with me eager to share with her my progress - to delight in finally becoming my true self again, to be vibrant, to find joy in things, to have things i could be happy to share with a professional friend. because of her guidance i learned how to change the way my mind had wired itself in a negative way, and to love myself again.  because of her i was able to move on, move out, become self-sufficient - eventuallym because of how she taught me, to take care of myself and to keep growing, to love myself the way i love the world. to be happy, most of the time, when at the time we first met, i wasn’t sure i ever would be again. to take care of myself again but i was talking about boobs and fashion, right? the thing is, i’ve had essentially the same body type, my “adult” body, since i was 13.  this body has, no matter its weight fluctuations, had proportionately significant breasts.  (a blog post about afab body image and mental health would not be complete without at least one teenaged semi-traumatic anecdote - i once when i was in eighth grade got accosted by a group of older girls in the courtyard at school before class, demanding to know what i stuffed my bra with, and getting increasingly hostile and physically investigating said bra with harsh gropes when i said i didn’t stuff it at all. this was, needless to say, humiliating and traumatic, and i didn’t wear that tight turtleneck again for years.)   the thing is this body that contains me is also exceedingly small in all other directions (except my head, i’ve got an adult human-sized head) compared to normal humanity.  very short in height, narrow ribcage, ectothermic body structure, narrow limbs, narrow hips, child-sized hands and feet, etc.  even when i was at my lowest weights, which i will always associate more with my worst depressive episodes than any kind of diet-culture positive, even when they were to my eye as flattened pancakes, i still had pretty alright boobs that i liked. but then, once i got healthy again, i naturally gained healthy weight.  it came with eating more healthily, and eating with purpose, and not just because i would die if i didn’t, and even for a depressive starvation’s not a good way to go.  it came from caring for the human animal, from realizing that i could never live with myself if i neglected a pet the way i was treating my human animal, because if i didn’t care for it, who would? eating with structure, at set times every day, and maintaining at least a mininum amount of calories needed, necessarily entailed that i would gain weight. and i welcomed that! most of my body issues when i was younger stemmed from my skinniness - i hated my fragility. i longed for and desired (in the gay way too, and probably though i didn’t realize it yet the non-cis way) and wished to be like girls with weight and heft to them, girls with thick thighs and arms, girls with muscle, girls with softness and roundness, girls with strength and solidity of frame. in comparison i felt like a ghost close to being torn to pieces in the wind, a collection of fragile bone in the shape of a person.  but that’s not who i am anymore, and that’s no longer what i fear. but at least i always had my boobs, and with them, with being healthier mentally and physically going hand in hand, i was and have been able to measure my own healthiness by their size. by cupping them in my hands and counting how many fingers it takes to go from ribcage to the edge of areola, i can measure my own growth and well-being.  they’re most of where i gain weight, and i’ve gone from two fingers and change at the worst to all four fingers plus a spare inch, besides, now, at what is currently the best. despite my current stressful situation, i am ultimately at my healthiest physically and mentally i’ve been since i was like 11.  more, even, because i’m no longer anemic.  and accordingly, my breasts are the largest they’ve ever been (not counting that time i was on birth control for a couple months, and my least tactful roommate asked if i was pregnant, and i stopped taking it because i decided crying myself to sleep every night for no reason probably wasn’t worth it).   which brings me to fashion. and boobs. i’ve alluded to here and outright stated before that i identify as somewhere between nonbinary and bigender.  all i know, really, in our limited current vocabulary, is i’m not cis female. but you know? i like my boobs. i’m pan, i reserve the right to like boobs, even love them, even if they’re on my body, even if i’m not “female”.  i live in and love and feel at home in a climate, and otherwise a culture, where female-coded dress (tank tops and short-shorts, sundresses) are far, far more comfortable than male-coded dress (heavy thick shorts or jeans, a t-shirt with an undershirt for god knows what reason - they can’t know we have nipples!!).   i reserve the right as a non-binary/bigender person (yes i’m aware that’s a contradiction in terms, so am i) to reject the idea that my physical interpretation of my presentation as leaning femme means i’m female. fuck you. you ever wore a sundress in the florida summer? you ever wore heavy khaki knee-length cargo shorts paired with sneakers and socks and an undershirt and a t-shirt in the florida summer? which would you guess is more comfortable? i rest my case. oh, i almost forgot to get to the point, which is that as my breasts have gotten more prominent, some of my favorite comfy dresses have somehow become Problematic in Public.  they are now Too Booby.  larger breasts in and of themselves, even in the same dresses but instead of with smaller breasts (that’s Fashion tm), carry with them Implications of Sexiness. Luridness.  Provocativeness.  as someone who’s had both small boob privilege and big boob sexy, this is completely obnoxious and at the same time culturally unavoidable. in my current favorite dress, which fits me like it was tailored to me despite got from goodwill, it cups and supports my breasts lovingly in its bodice and flows beautifully asymetrically down from the high waist line that is also flattering to my body type.  i love it, i absolutely adore it, i love the way it makes me look, i love the way it fits me perfectly, i love the way it makes me feel.  but it is definitely a Boobs On Display dress.  it’s so low cut in the front of the neckline, and boosts my already large breasts enough, that you can see a significant curve of underboob. and they are objectively gorgeous breasts! but this dress, having them On Display, apparently, instead of my love of its supportive and flowing embrace of my body, indicates i’m On Display when i wear it.  that’s...a little dysphobic and dysmorphic. it means i can’t wear it in any situation where i want to appear Professional, bc boobs Aren’t Professional.  it means i have to think about what situations i can wear it in and how people will judge me for it, this my new favorite dress. it means people will think i’m Lurid and Sexual by virtue of having and showing so much cleavage, while in my mind i’m just delighting in how comfortable it is and how good i feel in it.. yeah, i’m not cis, yeah, i love looking pretty, fuck me, i guess.  my last girl told me once “holy shit, you’re like jessica rabbit” after i sent her some of my favorite chest-centric selfies. i’m not bad, i’m just drawn that way. i’m not a comic book heroine, i was just born that way. except also with a gut and no ass. life is full of compromise.

#t #i'd rather you not reblog unless you can identify also in this extremely specific way and if so leave tags