#but i know whats wrong with me i just need like. mood stabilizers and coping mechanisms | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

happyselves · 3 years

Text

Pacify Him { Daniel Ricciardo x reader } /// WARNING EXPLICIT ///

Chapter : One shot Rating : Mature / Explicit / NSFW Words : 3,622 words

“Pacify her, she is getting on my nerves, hold your bitch before I push her away. You’re free to bring anyone here as long as they are behaving, but her … I don’t judge the person you are seeing, obviously I could give two shits about it but please tell her to calm herself down … This isn’t professional.”

You were fuming as you entered Daniel’s driver room,as his PR assistante you never interfere in his frequentation, but when it was impacting the reputation of the team and bugging people visiting the motorhome you had to step him. You calm yourself after a few breaths, stepping aside from Daniel a bit before looking at him again.

“ I didn’t mean to come that hard on you Daniel, but please you know how this is important right. You always ask for my honest opinion and there it is, I didn’t mean it for it to step out this hard on you but I can’t apologize for my words when I was thinking about them. She is toxic for you, she brings the bad in you when you are someone adorable usually. What is happening to you that you don’t trust me enough anymore to tell me when something is going wrong ? And before you are shushing me off, you know I am right, you and I are a package deal. “

He was defeated, not even looking at you, his whole body was shutting down and his legs were giving up on him. He takes the closest seat near him, almost falling and barely able to sit gracefully like he used to do.

“ I don’t know … I am so lost, I keep doing stuff wrong, I can’t find my soul anymore, I’m not very myself recently, I can’t even find my smile being genuine in the morning when I wake up in the morning. I’m putting a mask for people to see, but I’m like an empty shell. This bitch as you call her is only here to distract me and try to make me feel alive. She is nothing and it was a mistake to bring her… “

You were very concerned about Daniel’s attitude, it was the first time since you have known him that he worries about you right now. You were kneeling in front of him, trying your best not to invade his personal space. It’s something new for you, not invading it, you never ever thought he needed one but he looked so fragile, then you were under the impression that if you were touching him he would vanish into dust.

“ You are scaring me, what’s happening, is it the team ? Something personal ? You know you can tell me everything … “ A long silence got installed, your eyes were starting to water by all the pain you were seeing in him. You thought he wouldn’t open up, he was shutting you out by the way his body was curling up and turning to avoid your gaze on him. He was protecting himself like a kid that was terrified of a big stormy night.

You wanted to be the one to reassure one, but you were practically sure you were part of the problem. You stand quietly, ready to leave him alone in his driver room because there was nothing you could do if he wasn’t letting you.

His reaction was imminent, the driver inside of him was popping up and his muscles memories acting for him as it was his turn to get up and close the space between you, shutting the opened door. You yelped out of surprise before feeling his pressing body against you. You were stuck between the wooden door and his warm torso. Feeling his heretic heartbeat pounding in his chest. You couldn’t speak, you were too shocked for that. You and him were friends, close friends but not that physically close. You never cross that boundaries, but today was different, you felt it was.

The seconds looked like hours waiting for the confirmation of your assumption. Daniel seems to be as surprised as you to have acted the way he did, it was too late to back away now.

“ Don’t leave … don’t walk out that door “ His forehead was now resting on the back of your head, slightly not to hurt you and put weight on it. You wanted to ignore all the fuzzy feelings flooding in your whole body, but you couldn’t. Having him so close to you awakens a deep feeling hidden in you. “ The bitch will go away I promise, I am sorry “

Why was he apologizing to you, he didn’t disappoint anyone, yet. You weren’t even mad, you learn better to not judge someone's fucked up attitude when you could recognize the coping mechanics of someone keeping a secret and trying to turn the attention away from himself for nobody to catch the true meaning behind these actions. Does that make it acceptable ? It was each individual to have their own opinion. It was annoying you, that Daniel was suffering but preferred to distract himself and run away from his problem instead of talking to you or anyone else.

You close your eyes, your own forehead finds the cold surface of the door, his own head following yours not breaking the contact. HIs hands find the side of your hip.

“ The bitch isn’t the problem isn’t it ? “ You asked without any certainty he will give you a proper answer to that. His thumbs were caressing the skin of your hips through the tissues of your teamwear shirt, drawing a circle. You were sure he didn’t even notice he was doing it, his body was only responding to one mood and it was the auto-pilot one.

You were searching for breath and the driver’s room was starting to get tighter by the meanings, you were about to suffocate if the situation in which you both were wasn’t going to change fast enough.

“ You are the only one that can take away my pain … “ It could pass for a simple sentence if it wasn’t so Daniel, you had learned the code of conduct of Daniel Ricciardo and that … that was a declaration. “ It was you and I before, remember ? “

You were missing a piece of puzzle here, what was he talking about, is he drunk ? You never act differently around him, nothing changes, it never does. Yes it was him and you, always have been.

“ What are you talking about Daniel, you are confusing me “

“ Why did it change, the two of us … “ He was responding to your question by another one, like he was having his own conversation in his head, you were tempted to let him speak his mind to discover the bottom of the problem.

“ It didn’t change Daniel … “ You were trying as much as you could to put everything together, in vain.

“ It did change, I can’t look at you the same way as before … “ There it was, a little clue. If only he knew that it has been a long time since you have been able to look at him the way he used to when you meet him the first time. It was more than annoying you that he had brought someone with him for the weekend, more than it should. You were fuming when you saw the unknown name on the list of guests and asked someone to lighten it for you.

“ I know you are lying, why would you react the way you just did before if you weren’t “ You wanted to look at him, but his body was still pressing you against the cold wood. You had so much to say and him as well, all this unspoken tension you both tried to make yourself believe was a liar. You were both frauds, your friendship switched into something more months ago after a drunk night. Nothing happened that night, only looks were exchanged. The battle you both had as a joke at first turned into something way more deeper than you both were expecting and when you both tried to pull out of it, the damage had been done. That night was an epiphany moment for you, awaking the true desire between you. Your bodies couldn’t lie, the need for them to touch, the flaming sensation of his skin against yours like it was happening right now. Everything happened before and since that night, it never was the same thing for Daniel and everything went downhill.

You move your hand, posting on the door and Daniel understands the message and detaches himself from you. You slowly turn, god he was a mess and you bet you weren’t better.

“ You bewitched me that night, seduced me with your eyes. It was a game at first and now look at us, where is the game now ? “ He wasn’t accusing you of anything, it was a simple statement, an understanding between you. Two people were playing the game and two people ended up losing.

“ That wasn’t my intention, I tried to pull away, it was too late “ Who sounds defeated now, the tables have turned and he brings you down with him to the bottom of his misery. A couple bruises on your heart that he created was all you needed to have the proof that at least you two had shared a moment. It had to stay professional, but as his face was closing up the gap, all your convictions were being erased one by one.

You didn’t wait for him, you joined him in the middle, your lips connected quicker than he had anticipated, your eyes shut down in synchronisation. You didn’t who reacted first and kissed the other one back. That lip was perfect, far from it, it was messy just like him, but it was passionate. His teeth were teasing your bottom lips, asking permission to tear the flesh of it apart. You moaned when his tongue was inviting you to open your mouth. The taste of your two saliva was so intoxicated that you almost fell and he had to catch you with both of his arms, supporting you from your lower back. His smile came back to life against your mouth, letting out a childish giggle and you hit his arm to make him stop making fun of your lack of stability.

HIs reaction was quick, if you couldn’t stand up anymore he would use that door to help you. He pushes you toward it and your back gets lean on it, his arms unlocking themselves to explore your body, finding where they were before except this style the hem of your shirt came loose, letting the palm of his hand directly enter in contact with your skin, sending you shivers.

You had forgotten your environnement, too busy burying your own hands in his dark curls, bringing him closer as much as possible. Your teeth were still clenching and air was starting to lack in your lounge. You didn’t want to let go, scared for the reality to be brought back. You have been dreaming for months about this. Having the fantasy in your head when the night was setting and the moon shining.

DSaniel didn’t let you think for another second as he used this little moment of rest when you stop kissing him for a second, to lift you up, grabbing your ass, his palm firmly around it. He moves you and remembered to lock the door before turning back his focus on you as he finally break the kiss to look at you. Lust could be seen all over your two faces. His face was not showing any sadness anymore, only mischievousness and happiness. If you knew that all you needed to do to bring back the Daniel you knew was to let your own desire take over you, you would have done it sooner.

He took the direction of the massage table beside him, putting you on the edge before finding your neck and kissing the soft skin. You let a snort escape when his scruff tickles a sensitive spot behind your ear. He laughs against the skin and the vibration changes the snort into a whining complaint. He traveled all the way down to your clavicle but the fabric of your shirt was stopping him. He didn’t wait for your approval to remove it, the force of the removal making you lift your arm automatically. They fall back on his neck when he throws the piece of tissue somewhere you will have a hard time finding back.

That was extremely hot from him and by your legs starting to spread a little bit and the heat you were starting to feel between them, he noticed acknowledge the effect he had on you and smirk, visibly proud of himself. It was not the time to hide yourself even if you could feel embarrassed, this man in front of you was everything you had dreamt of and it had the talent to make you feel confident of your body, just by the way he looks at every detail of your body.

You were eager to let him take the situation under his control and only his, not doing anything and just being the prize he was working on to have for so long. All the torment, the torture and the conviction he will never have you, he deserved it. You will get your prize another time … it was only the beginning for you.

He was taking his time with you,no matter how much his desire was waking up, he had one mission and one mission only; your pleasure. You could see the forming bulge in his pants and felt for him, imagining how inconfortable it must be for him.

It all went to dust when his hands found their way under your bra cupping your breast and his lips traveled your chest as he was kissing his way down. He was leaving wet kisses and blowing air on it, goosebumps started to appear quickly, head being jolted back.

You wish you knew what to do with your hands but they were gripping the leather of the massage table so hard your knuckles were getting white by the second. He didn’t seem to care as his hands found your pants, he pushed you a bit behind, making unspeakable demands for you to lift your ass so he could slide the piece of clothes down for it to join your shirt somewhere in the room.

You could barely keep your eyes open as you witnessed the extremely hot scene in front of you. Daniel between your legs, keeping the same pace with you, kissing his way up toward the inner of your thighs. You sensed his teeth nibbling your skin, licking every spot afterward, like he was trying to heal the pain he just caused you. Little did he know that pain you were feeling was arousing you even more, your panty was starting to visibly licked your excitement. It was feeling like torture, you thougth that Daniel would be like the others partner you had, your skin would get used to the touch after a moment and the horniness would stop at a certain level, thinking you had reach the maximal of his possibility. How wrong were you when you were on the verge to cum without him actually pleasuring you in this area. You knew it was coming, Daniel kisses were more hungry, teasing the flesh of your thigh turning red by the bite and the kisses.

His lips were swallowing, getting bigger by the unusual exercise they were carrying on, his tongue would feel numb if it was for the desire he had to taste you, letting it survive for a couple minutes still. You watch him, leaving a kiss on the wet fabric of your underwear, your eyes were blurrying by the anticipation of him finally finding your clit. His teeth end up moving the piece of dentelle that was the last barrier between you and him.

It was like he was home and belonged there, here with you, right in this instance, it was you and him against the world. Forgetting your environnement you let a cry escape a little bit too loud as soon his thick tongue was licking arousal. You thought that seeing the start was a legend, a fantasy, but Daniel had made you become reality as your head was banged back, finding the cold wall, your neck was stretching so hard that the blood was lacking in your brain making you see some sparkling spot. He needed you to stay quiet and as he tried to put one of his hands on your mouth he ended up finding the neck instead, squeezing it enough for you to moan his name as he was continuing his exploration of your pussy.

Your hands finally leave the grip of the massage table to find their new place around Daniel's arm. You were stretched out in front of him, so vulnerable, just for him and you were unable to give a proper reaction to being buried in the pleasure he was giving you. His tongue was teasing your entrance, making it hardening, pushing himself in you as you will. The thumb of his free hand was moving in a slow circle around your clit. He didn’t know the dilemma you were encountering, keeping your eyes shut and your head back or fighting his firm hand on your neck for you to see him eating you alive. You sure had to make a decision quickly because you were soon to arrive at the edge before you will let the orgasm consume your whole body.

By the sound you were making, Daniel had the confirmation he was doing everything in the right way for you. He never experienced such joy to make someone lose their composure due to his actions. He was feeling proud that he was finding it out with you. Every woman he had been with didn’t sound or look as beautiful and real as you spread in front of him right now. He could spend hours tasting you, how good you were for him, how reactive and sensitive your skin was becoming after being torn apart by him. How the thought of fucking you with his tongue had haunt his dream for the past couples of month now, but the reality of this was surpassing all his expectations. He wanted to be rough with you, all the dirty thoughts came back rushing into his brain, overwhelming him and sending twitch to his dick. Rather than being dominant, it was all about showing you how much he had wanted you and how willing he was to give you anything you wanted, because you deserved it. You deserved for him to make you forget every man you had sex with. Replacing all the bad and good memories with his own. Changing all the faces in your dream, planting his own in the own DNA of your imagination.

He could feel that you were holding it together for it to last longer, even if that meant losing the self-control you had in you. Your wall was tightening around his fat tongue. You were completely losing your mind at the foreword of sensation throwing at you at the same time. You were sure it was too much for one person and you could care less about the verbal explosion you might have in a couple of seconds. Daniel however, foreseeing your release, put two fingers in your mouth holding your jaw from your mouth, your lips closed themself around them and your tongue was soon relaxing on them. You bite his knuckles when his tongue replaces his thumb in one flick of the tongue, finally letting cum. Your legs were shaking and Daniel had to hold you for you not to hurt yourself, your eyes were rolling back as your orgasm hit you in small waves, sending you jolts of electricity around your body. Your brain was shutting down, the stifled moan never reaching the exterior of your mouth, dying down on Daniel’s fingers in sensual vibration that made his bulge react, begging to be taken care of.

It tooks you minutes to come back to the open world, Daniel’s eyes not leaving you for a second, admiring his work. You slowly come back to reality and automatically search for him, missing his touch already. Your eyes were still not open when you found the collar of his shirt and pulled him rather violently, crashing your lips together, taking a taste of your own juice still lingering on his lips. You sigh in the kiss, reassured that what just happened wasn’t just a dream and that you were far needing to wake up from it.You rest your forehead on his, the wave of pleasure was still leaving some after effects on you including dizziness.

You had to clear your throat as you realised no sound was coming it out the first time you tried to speak.

“ That bitch needs to go, tell her you replace her with a more living version. “

You couldn’t help but laugh at your own words and Daniel was smiling at the way you just described yourself.

“ She’s already gone, she was already gone before you burst into my room.

You didn’t know how to respond to that, but one thing for sure is that you will have a hard time making people outside of this room say that nothing happened between the two of you. At least you would not pissed them off and you were able to pacify him at any time.

MASTERLIST

206 notes · View notes

kayleezra · 3 years

Text

You’re My Comfort // (Frankie Morales x Reader)

Warnings; depression, anxiety, sooo much self-projection

Word Count; 1759

Summary; You suffer from anxiety and depression and Frankie does everything he can to help you feel better.

It was looking to be another sleepless night, one of many for the past month. For some unknown reason, your anxiety and depression had spiked and took over your mind. There was no known trigger that you could identify and you’d been able to cope or manage it the past 6 months. You believed you’d reached a new stability but, now it feels like it’s been building up over the past 6 months.

You roll over to face Frankie, you meet his relaxed face. Soft snores escape his lips and you can’t help but reach out towards his warm body, resting your hand against his face. You brush your thumb against his cheekbone. A smile crawls across your face at the man you love. However, the pit in your stomach remains and a pang of unavoidable guilt fills you. You live a good and comfortable life with love and support so, why do you feel the way you do?

A stray tear rolls down your cheek and you snap out of your thoughts and pull away from Frankie. You want to confide in him and nuzzle in closer to him but you also don’t want to be a bother. You pull away from the warmth your shared bed and move to the cold unwelcoming couch in the living room. You wrap the throw blanket around your shoulders in hopes for some warmth and security and lean into the corner of the couch. Staring out the window, getting lost in the darkness.

Your heart is beating rapidly yet it feels heavy with dread. Your stomach feels as though it’s lurching to your throat yet is held down by a pit. Worst of all, your mind feels empty and clouded yet, panicked and clusters. It’s all so overwhelming. Your anxiety is heightening your emotions while your depression is making you numb. How can both take over your body, it just doesn’t make sense to you. You’re dying to reach out but, you don’t even know what’s wrong or how to explain how you feel. You feel alone even when surrounded by loving people.

You silently cry, the salty tears burning your cheeks. Your chest tightens but you face remains relaxed, like it’s unaware of the tear and emotions falling from it. You’re only pulled out of your pity party when you hear a rustling and Frankie softly calling your name. You quickly wipe away your tears as if that would get rid of all the evidence.

“Sweetheart?”, he finally sees you, “What’re you doing up?”

You don’t answer his question in hopes to redirect the conversation.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“No no, you didn’t wake me. I woke up and noticed the cold sheets beside me.”

Frankie sinks next to you, “So, what’s wrong?”

“Trust me, if I knew I’d tell you.”, you let out an airy exasperated giggle to try to lighten the mood but it didn’t work. If anything it just gave away how broken you were.

Frankie pulls you into him, his arms wrapping your shoulders while you let your head fall back onto his chest. Frankie presses his lips to your head, kissing your head and humming against your scalp for a few minutes.

“Then, best describe what’s going on in that pretty little head of yours.”

You close your eyes, scared of the tears that might spill. You focus on his calming rhythmic heartbeat.

“I feel cold and empty, but guilt and anxious. I don’t have a reason to feel the way I do, I don’t deserve these emotions. My life is good but my emotions don’t reflect that.”

What you were saying was breaking Frankie’s heart. He wasn’t new to these feelings at all, he had experienced them himself. There’s nothing that could be said or done that will instantly cure you of this cloud but, there are certainly ways he can help relieve even just a little bit of it.

“You don’t need a reason to feel this way. You can’t control how or when or why your anxiety and depression strike. You can’t feel guilty for feeling this way because it’s out of your control. Anxiety, depression, they don’t care how good your life is or how loved you are.”

You nuzzle further into him.

“Rationally, I know that. It’s just hard to grasp and believe right now. I just need to distract myself.”

“The Little Mermaid or Beauty and the Beast?”

That small question warmed your heart, they’re your 2 go-to feel-good princess movies.

“Beauty and the Beast, please.”

Frankie kisses your head before getting up.

You’re unaware of time. Your too numb to understand the seconds that pass, nor do you care. You want to care but you simply don’t have it in you. Frankie is getting the movie ready and making you tea but you have no idea. Any noise and movement went completely unnoticed. It was only when Frankie’s reassuring presence returns to your side and pulls you into an embrace that you return from whatever daze you were in. Frankie quietly hands you a steaming mug and starts the movie. You let yourself get lost in the movie and Frankie’s warmth. The familiar song and dance eases your anxiety and overall, brought you into a child-like trance.

Frankie can’t help but let a small smile crawl onto his face when he watches you hum and nod along to the movie. He knows this isn’t a fix, or that all is good right now. He knows that this is only a band-aid and some temporary comfort. Frankie understands that he can’t ‘fix’ you, that you only want him to listen and comfort you. He knows how difficult it is for someone to understand these things; it’s hard for people not to blame themselves or to try ‘fix’ them. Luckily, you and Frankie have each other. You both understand that neither of you needs ‘fixing’ or want it. You both understand that your moments, high or low, aren’t personal or directed at one another.

You weren’t even halfway through the movie when Frankie noticed your overly relaxed posture. He leaned over to see that you had fallen asleep; so he carefully took the half-empty mug of lukewarm tea from your hands and places it on the ground. Frankie kisses your head and plays with your hair until he lulls himself to sleep.

“I love you, Princessa/Príncipe.”

Whatever sleep you did get during these times was always restless. You woke up on the couch laying down and tucked in. Light started to flood the living room, the sun was started to rise. The clock read 7:07 AM; you sit up groggily, rubbing the sleep away from your eyes.

“You’re up earlier than U anticipated. I will have breakfast for you in 5-ish minutes. But, in the meantime I do have a hot cup of coffee with your name on it.”, Frankie calls forms the kitchen.

Frankie comes over with said cup of coffee made just how you like it.

“Thank you.”

“Of course, Love”

You watch Frankie move through the kitchen; you must admit he be quite clumsy but, that just makes you smile.

Some time passes and before you know it he’s coming towards you with 2 plates in hand.

“My world-famous breakfast burritos.”, he says while handing you yours.

“It smells amazing.”

Your nose didn’t do justice to the dish. It was so good you could eat it until you threw up. You took both plates and made your way to the kitchen.

“You did the honours of blessing me with that meal the least I can do is clean the aftermath.”

“Don’t you dare. Because we have a date with that nature trail 20 minutes from here.”

Frankie was familiar with this behaviour of yours. You’d pretend everything was fine, but it was always forced and excessive. He wasn’t going to let you do that and sink further into the dark hole inside your head. So, he was determined to comfort and distract you until this cloud passes.

“What do you mean?”, you ask while putting the dishes in the sink.

“Well, the morning sun has just come up and it’s early enough that it’ll be quiet. Plus, I found this beautiful little nook off the path and thought we could check it out. I’ve already got a bag packed.”

“That sounds perfect.”

“Good. Now, go get changed or I’m leaving you here.”

You made your way to your bedroom but, not before kissing Frankie. While changing, your mind seems to have a moment of clarity. You had to thank Frankie so being — well, for being himself. Once you were changed Frankie was quick to push you out the door with a backpack hugging his shoulders. The walk was quiet and filled with stolen glances. You stop to blabber about something you found cute or pretty. Frankie was happy to see you so carefree and gush over the small things, like a flower you thought was pretty that was actually a weed.

The fresh air and beauty only cleared your headspace further. You need to say what’s been on your mind, let Frankie know how thankful you are. So, when he pulled you aside into the nook and set down a large blanket from the backpack, you were quick to cuddle him and speak your mind.

“Thank you, Frankie. And I don’t just mean for today. I mean thank you for always helping me when I need it, even if I don’t want it. For, understanding and not blaming me or yourself. For always being my rock no matter what. For learning my habits and ticks and learning how to curve them. You know exactly what to do and when to do it. But, best of all you understand without judgment.”

Frankie had tears in his eyes because to him this was just love and you always did the same for him. To hear you say how thankful you were made him emotional. He wanted to tell you a million comforting things and telly you that he was just as thankful for you, but all words left his mind. You could of course tell Frankie was at a loss of words, so you nuzzled closer in kissed his cheek.

“I love you.”, he said while looking down at you and letting a tear run down his cheek.

“I love you more.”

The two of you just cuddled and watch the sun continue to rise and the nature around you awake from their slumber.

#frankie morales x reader #francisco morales x reader #frankie morales x you #francisco morales #frankie morales #pedro pascal characters

77 notes · View notes

lucifers-horror-harem · 3 years

Text

Alan Sharpe Yandere Alphabet (Slasher OC)

So I am aware I don’t even have an official character sheet or background information on this new yandere slasher of mine, however I find that some of these bits come to me in time. Plus, a bunch of small tidbits are in this alphabet post too. But I am always happy to answer asks about this boy cause it helps me get to know him a bit better too <3

The face claim is Kim Coates <3 I imagine Alan to be mid fifties in age.

Warnings for non con/dub con elements, uses of housewife/wife/kids/implied AFAB

Affection: How do they show their love and affection? How intense would it get?

Alan is really emotionally and physically affectionate with his darling once he is certain they will accept it. He can be rather cold with someone who’s feisty or ungrateful and doesn't appreciate his love. He tends to go overboard spoiling his darling with material items and such, as money is no object for him. If he thinks something will make you happy he will do whatever it takes to get it for you.

Blood: How messy are they willing to get when it comes to their darling?

He will take care of whatever stands in the way between you and him. Ultimately he doesn't want to have to kill family or friends, but if they pose a threat to either of you or happen to find out his secrets they will have to go. Alan has people to take care of these things for him, but if they are a significant other or other love interest that makes him see red, he will take care of the matter himself. Violence and murder aren't new to him, when he was in his teens and early twenties he had a track record of hanging in the wrong crowds and going after anyone that stood in the way of his interests.

Cruelty: How would they treat their darling once abducted? Would they mock them?

If it were up to Alan, he would prefer to be sweet with you and as soon as he abducts you the two of you start the honeymoon phase of your relationship. But if you’re causing problems and trying to escape, he’ll treat you accordingly. He has no issue being cruel with you, getting into your head and insisting no one will love you like he can and how stupid you would have to be to not see the cushy life ahead of you, if only you accept his love. He doesn't really think its that hard of a choice.

Darling: Aside from abduction, would they do anything against their darling’s will?

He would rather not force you to do anything you don't want to. All Alan wants is for you to love him, after all. But if time goes on and you continue to fight him, he might take more drastic measures to prove just how much he wants you. If you are being more docile and submissive, he might push boundaries and grope you as a way of teasing, but he will likely be more willing to wait for you. He has needs, after all.

Exposed: How much of their heart do they bare to their darling? How vulnerable are they when it comes to their darling?

In the beginning of the relationship, Alan keeps his deepest feelings close to his chest and only tells his darling of the inconsequential things in his life. He wants a housewife type of partner so he always seems to like venting to you about how rough of a day he had at the office taking care of things, and him wanting to hear the same about your day in return (not that you can even go anywhere during the day). After a long period of time and trust he will slowly start to talk about deeper things with you, really opening up about what he wants and desires in his life.

Fight: How would they feel if their darling fought back?

Alan hates it, but in a sick way he enjoys correcting your behavior. While he much prefers a more docile and sweet darling he will be more than happy finding a reason to take out his frustrations on the person who has been causing all these problems. If you were good, he wouldn't have to do this, you know.

Game: Is this a game to them? How much would they enjoy watching their darling try to escape?

Love is something serious to Alan, and gets infuriated seeing his darling wanting to escape or attempting and failing. He will punish them accordingly, and hopefully they will learn their lesson. However, if his darling likes to indulge in bratty behavior but is still quite submissive and only wants to play, then he will be quite accommodating. He can be playful when he wants to, he just needs to feel comfortable enough to let that side of him out.

Hell: What would be their darling’s worst experience with them?

The worst would be when they finally realize how dedicated Alan is to having you be his. It could be watching him kill with his bare hands in front of you for the first time, snuffing out the life of someone you know (a lover or someone who just got too close to you for Alan's comfort), and watching the glee in Alan's face as he did it, all while insisting he was doing it to protect you. Another possible contender would be finding out just how long and thoroughly he had been stalking you, waiting until just the right moment to strike. Even building trust with you, playing the kind and caring boss that everyone loves before showing his darker possessive side to you when you finally figure out what's going on. Once kidnapped, he would even use your social media to trick your family and friends into believing the two of you were together in a happy relationship under the radar (if you happened to work for him) when in reality you were trapped in one of his many homes against your will.

Ideals: What kind of future do they have in mind for/with their darling?

Ultimately, Alan is looking for a partner to play out the parts of life that everyone his age for the most part already have. The wife, kids, happy family, the whole shebang. He wants a partner that will stay at home, even if they don't want to do housework he can hire someone for that. But he goes feral over the idea of coming home from a long day at the office and seeing his wife finishing dinner for him and the kids. He had far from the typical home life as a child and longs for the stability and normalcy of it.

Jealousy: Do they get jealous? Do they lash out or find a way to cope?

Alan gets insanely jealous, but he tends to reserve his anger for those who intend to steal you away from him. If all things work out for Alan, he would want you by his side at all business outings, and in those situations he wouldn't mind the casual conversation of people commenting on your beauty and how lucky of a man he is. It makes him proud and he wants you to feel special as well. But as a man he knows the way they look at you with less innocent intentions, even if they would never act upon them. That's what makes Alan's blood boil. He would never lash out at you specifically unless you actively encouraged others to flirt with you in front of him. He will make them pay in one way or another.

Kisses: How do they act around or with their darling?

In public he is the perfect gentleman, having you place a hand on his inner arm as he walks around. He is also known to keep a hand on the small of your back or hip to keep you close to him. While he does worry about you slipping away from him, he is naturally just a very touchy man and likes to have you within arms reach constantly. Will often bring your hand up to his lips to kiss your knuckles absent-mindedly as well.

Love letters: How would they go about courting or approaching their darling?

The most likely scenario of him finding a partner would be through his work, and while office romance is obviously not permitted because he’s the boss, it doesn’t stop him from being friendly. No one ever suspects him of anything because he is so kind and genuine with everyone. For his love, he would often give them the same treatment as everyone else with a bit of extra meaning behind his words. He would never directly ask them out, but he would be extra attentive and listening to you speak when you have conversations. People would probably call them a brown noser before even thinking that Alan had other motives in mind. He doesn’t give presents mostly because he doesn’t want to be seen as too forward, but if the opportunity arises he will pay for lunch or the coffee at the shop he just happened to bump into you at.

Mask: Are their true colors drastically different from the way they act around everyone else?

Absolutely. For the boss of an established business with many important clients, he is all around a genuine good boss to his employees. When he took the business over from his father after he suddenly passed, he made sure he did the opposite of what his father did when it came to treating his employees well. When people look at him they see a genuinely kindhearted man that they can’t believe isn’t married, as everyone else around his age typically is. He was married once though not many people know about it and he prefers to keep that and the majority of his past hidden away from prying minds.

Naughty: How would they punish their darling?

If he is in a good mood there will be a lot of torturous edging on his part. Alan has been known to favor tying up his partner and leaving them for hours until he comes back later to take care of them. He also loves spanking and impact play, knowing just how much you can handle before you cry, though if you’ve been bad he just might want to see you cry a little. If Alan is in a bad mood his punishments will be harsher, the bindings tighter, and will be fine seeing your tears pour freely as you beg for him to slow down.

Oppression: How many rights would they take away from their darling?

When he first kidnaps you he will take away almost everything, especially any sort of phone or internet for you to reach the outside world. He makes sure to have things for you to occupy yourself with and even your favorite hobbies and books. But if you continue to disobey, more of those things will be taken away from you. Once you start getting used to life with Alan, he will slowly give you more privileges as he trusts you with them.

Patience: How patient are they with their darling?

Alan is much more patient with a willing partner, especially if they’re shy or inexperienced. He will bend over backward to slowly ease your way into the sexual things he wants from you, though sometimes he might cross your boundaries simply to see what happens. If you’ve been nothing but ungrateful to him, he will have a lot less patience and be more forceful with what he wants from you. He still cares about you though, and would rather not force you to be with him but if you give him no choice he just might.

Quit: If their darling dies, leaves, or successfully escapes, would they ever be able to move on?

While the odds of leaving or escaping under his watch are very small, nevertheless he would be heartbroken and furious at you. How could you not understand what he was offering you? Who would pass up such a comfortable life? Most likely he will have you back with him shortly whether by himself or from his hired men, and your punishment will make you seriously consider escaping again. A part of him is terrified about police intervention, but it would take a lot for you to be able to get them or anyone on your side, and he would have the evidence disposed of quickly if that’s the road you chose. If you were to die, that would be another story. He would never be able to forgive himself, blaming himself for your death constantly whether it was his fault or not. Alan might be able to move on one day, but if his darling were to die it would only make him more cruel and cold when it came to the next person he set his sights on.

Regret: Would they ever feel guilty about abducting their darling? Would they ever let their darling go?

The only time Alan might ever feel guilty would be years later after you were in love with him and had given him children, he might feel remorse for how he went about it, wondering if he could have seduced you normally. However those thoughts don’t last long, and he wouldn’t want to change the circumstances for the world.

Stigma: What brought about this side of them (childhood, curiosity, etc)?

Growing up as the son of a wealthy businessman and a high society woman, he has quite a bit of trauma. The majority was psychological abuse from his father constantly berating him for not being manly enough to take over the business, with Alan rebelling in every way he could just to make his father mad. His mother was rarely in the picture, as she did her own thing with her own people and rarely saw Alan. He was taken better care of by his nanny than either of his parents. The life he wants for himself is far removed from what he dealt with as a child.

Tears: How do they feel about seeing their darling scream, cry, and/or isolate themselves?

While he might feel bad for seeing his darling cry, he typically doesn’t feel bad seeing them upset. He knows this is an adjustment period for them, and eventually, they will calm down. If not, then he might see you as a spoiled brat who can’t think rationally.

Unique: Would they do anything different from the classic yandere?

Not sure if this is different, but he stalks his darling obsessively for a long period of time before kidnapping them. He uses all sorts of cameras and bugging equipment just to see you whenever he can’t be next to you. Alan needs to know everything about you for when you come to live with him and wants to make the transition as easy as possible.

Vice: What weakness can their darling exploit in order to escape?

If his darling can find out anything about Alan’s past, it would be the closest thing they have to twist the metaphorical knife into his wounds. There are a lot of skeletons in his closet, some of them being things that were scrubbed from official records while others weren’t even found out. Be careful if you decide to go digging before he trusts you enough to tell you these things, he might have to hurt you horribly just for the breach of trust.

Wit’s end: Would they ever hurt their darling?

Definitely. While he emotionally manipulates them constantly into believing what he does is love, if push comes to shove he will physically harm his darling to make sure they don’t escape again. A broken arm or leg wouldn’t be unheard of with Alan, and one should be lucky if they get away with that little.

Xoanon: How much would they revere or worship their darling? To what length would they go to win their darling over?

To Alan, you are his entire world, a chance for him to start a family and have the normal life he always wanted. He would worship the ground you walk on, making sure you knew every second of every day how much he loved and cherished you, his savior. And if you don’t believe him, he will go to the ends of the earth and do whatever you ask within reason to prove to you just how much he loves you.

Yearn: How long do they pine after their darling before they snap?

Alan might last at most a year simply watching his darling, especially if there is no competition from other partners. If someone else comes into the picture, Alan is quick to speed his plan along and kidnap you away before you can even grow attached to this person.

Zenith: Would they ever break their darling?

While the sadistic part of him loves the idea of breaking his darling down, he ultimately wants them to accept him of their own free will. He might push and push until you bend under his will, but unless he is at his wit’s end he will do his best to keep you from completely breaking.

#slasher oc #yandere oc #alan sharpe #my ocs tag

34 notes · View notes

kaysayshey · 3 years

Text

off paper || e. kirishima

This is a work inspired by a struggle that a lot of those suffering with mental illness experience, particularly those with depression and bipolar disorder; however, it can be applied to a lot of mood-altering medications that cause sexual dysfunction. While medication is a life changing and stabilizing aspect of many lives, it doesn't come without its cons. I think Kirishima would be incredibly understanding in this situation. Please keep in mind that bipolar disorder presents in many ways. There is no one-size-fits-all in mental health treatment or in its subsequent treatment. I wanted to write a bit about the side effects of SSRI medications.

Songs that I listened to while writing include:

Serendipity by BTS' Jimin

Bumper Cars by Alex and Sierra

That Kind of Love by MAX

Warnings: Angst, Fluff, NSFW (no smut, however this work contains sexual topics), mention of prescription drugs, bipolar disorder, minors DNI.

On paper, Kirishima Eijirou was perfect. An impressive sidekick working underneath Fatgum, his cheery disposition more than capable of reassuring even the most terrified of civilians. A hard-hitting, defensive quirk paired with determination unlike anything you'd ever seen. Easy-going enough to work with the difficult heroes - and by difficult, everyone meant Dynamight. Intelligent, reliable, and just the right amount of competitive.

Off paper, he was even better. Hell, the moment he'd asked you out, you'd almost done a double-take. Was he sure? Kirishima could date, well, anyone. However, you'd blurted out 'yes' before your brain had time to catch up, even more surprised at the gorgeous pink that graced the tips of his ears.

And the date went wonderfully. Were you expecting anything different? He was a magnet, and you were willing to be the refrigerator he stuck to - at least, for as long as he wanted. How he managed to remember what flavor of milk tea and boba you preferred, following it up with a quick delivery while working twelves at the agency, was beyond you. Good morning texts wishing you an easy day of your own hero work, good night texts hoping that your dreams were "sweeter than you." The moment a bouquet of roses was sent to your office, you had to admit it.

You were embarrassingly attracted to Kirishima Eijirou.

Not that he minded, no. If anything, he returned the feeling tenfold. After the first date came a string of others before finally labeling it as a relationship. Movie nights, walks through the park, chaste kisses interspersed by giggles as you both laughed at whatever came to mind. The quick meetings between your lips turned into full-on sessions that left your knees weak. Being with Kirishima was easy in a way that nothing else had been.

But let's face it. Working as a full-time hero with bipolar disorder made life, well, tough. A pharmaceutical cocktail and therapy helped, turning what was the disaster of your life into a manageable mess. Episodes were few and far between, the prickling anxiety was quelled by coping techniques and medication when necessary. The days spent in a daze of your own "self-medicating" were long gone, thank whatever higher power was out there. No, life was on the upswing for you in pretty much every aspect of the phrase.

Except for your sex life.

And no, that wasn't to say that Kirishima was doing anything wrong. To be quite honest, he was doing every just right. Kissing the places you loved most, calloused hands lingering deliciously over your skin. A voice like honey whispering in your ear, beautiful moans of how gorgeous you were, how he absolutely adored you. Saying that it left you with weak, knocking knees was an understatement. He was an emotional hurricane, sending butterflies through your stomach as he showered you with praise and carefully placed lips.

Other than a complete lack of climaxing, it was amazing.

You knew this was a possibility once you had started taking medications. A loss of libido was one thing, but being unable to finish was starting to wear on you. Before you could stop yourself, you were doing the unthinkable: faking orgasms.

After all, who wants to spend close to an hour between someone's thighs just to be met with frustrated sighs and potentially awkward conversations? No, Kirishima didn't need to spend so much time on your pleasure, not when there was a high probability that you wouldn't finish at all. As long as the moans weren't straight out of a low-budget porno overly exaggerated, you figured you'd get away with it.

Getting away with it turned out to be the least of your issues. The struggle was real. Outside of the sweetest lovemaking with Kirishima, you desperately tried every trick in the book to reach an orgasm on your own. Something. Anything. You were beginning to feel pent-up, needy. The money spent on toys was starting to reach an uncomfortably high number. Time was wasted and followed up by flopping onto the bed in frustration. No amount of lube, porn, or fantasy was helping. Once you hit the hour mark, you basically gave up.

And you were now pacing the hallways of your apartment, irrational tears pricking at the corner of your eyes. Why did it matter? Orgasming was not the end all, be all of life. But the memory of before the medications, the euphoric bliss that would force your back from the mattress, that memory reared its head more often than you cared to admit. God damn it, you just wanted to feel the shudders, the rush of pleasure surging through your body, insatiable heat quenched. And you wanted to stop lying to him. The tears rimming your lash line made their arrival known, long tracks staining your cheeks.

This is, of course, when Kirishima decides to knock on your door. After all, you had planned to have a comfortable night in, a delightful line up of rom-coms at your disposal. Movies that you now wanted to throw out the nearest window. Why, why did you have to try again? He deserved so much more than a broken partner, a partner who would never be able to match him. Someone who could crash at the slightest struggle, who broke when their insecurities were brought to life.

Another set of knocks. Time to face the music.

As you gently opened the door, the drop in Kirishima's face was visible as he took in your state. Where a bright grin had been settled now featured lips drawn into a tight, worried line. After all, you did everything in your power to keep him in the dark in regards to your mental illness. Not necessarily your smartest move, in retrospect. Hindsight, you know?

The moment the door clicked behind him, Kirishima was gathering you in his arms, a large hand gently stroking the back of your head. A kiss to your temple, his forehead pressing against your hairline. Deep breaths weren't helping you at this point. Because regardless of how frustrated you were, Kirishima was safety, the warmth of his embrace a haven for you to let out the sobs that were wracking through your body.

And as the tears fell, darkening his gray tee shirt, Kirishima ran his hands up and down your back, the comforting heat of his body providing temporary relief. After moments of crying, you pressed your head against his chest, eyes glued to the linoleum floor beneath you.

A thick finger and thumb tenderly met your chin, slowly lifting your face to meet his eyes. Those usually warm red irises were dark with worry, the pad of his thumb running circles over and over against your skin. Another reminder of just how good he was. No man had ever made you feel as desired or important as Kirishima.

"Baby, what happened?" he murmured, still caressing your face so gingerly that it brought the threat of more tears.

"It's nothing, nothing important," came your quick response, avoiding any lingering eye contact. It wasn't that important. Sexual gratification came second to emotional connection, and you had that firmly in your grasp with Eijirou. Why would you risk losing someone like that?

His eyebrow narrowed at your words, and he kept your face cradled in his hands. "Please tell me, baby. I want to help."

God, that expression of pure concern. Like you were everything to him, like your hurt was his hurt. It was in that moment you knew: you couldn't keep lying to him. Whether it meant he'd leave for someone else, someone perfectly, indescribably normal; that didn't matter. If anyone deserved a picture-perfect romance, it was Kirishima.

Eijirou, I-" Your voice broke from the nerves, unable to hold his unflinching gaze. How could someone be so earnest? He nodded, those same reassuring circles urging you to speak.

"I think you deserve someone better."

He looked like you'd honest to goodness slapped him. So many emotions flashed over his usually cheerful face that it scared you. Oh, god, this wasn't what you wanted to do, but how could you not? No one wanted someone like you. Once he knew, he'd leave. Better to push him away first and just let it end now before-

"What are you talking about? Baby. I don't want anyone else. I want you." His words came out stammered, tripping over his tongue and falling into the otherwise quiet apartment. Kirishima shook his head slowly, searching your face for some form of reassurance that this wasn't what you wanted. That you didn't want him.

"I don't know why. I just, I'm too much. You'll end up getting frustrated with me and I just, I just can't take that kind of heartbreak."

"Too much? You're never too much, what are you talking about?"

The words fell before you could stop them, faster than should be discernible to the human ear. But if there was anything Eijirou was, it was attentive.

"My medicine is driving me crazy, and I know without it I'll go over the edge again. But I want to feel normal, Eiji. I can't handle feeling like I'm not normal." And it was true. Sex was so innately human, and knowing that there was a chance that you'd never be able to gain that ultimate satisfaction was driving you mad. Was this just an overreaction from a brain exhausted from constantly fighting itself, or was this a logical, albeit emotionally charged, reaction?

"Your medicine?"

There it was. What you wanted to avoid mentioning. Sure, it wasn't fair to keep it from him. But let's be honest, you'd been expecting this to end after the first few months. And now? Now you were shaking in his arms, knowing this confession would be the end of the dreamy love you'd been experiencing.

"My medicine for uh... for my, um. I have bipolar disorder. It's why I can't work on Thursdays, too. I have to go to therapy. I know I should've told you from the beginning but I just, you know, I really, really like you, and I don't-"

One finger met your lips followed by soothing shushes from his own. As if the world's weight had been lifted from his capable shoulders, Kirishima let out a heaving sigh of relief. The arm around your waist pulled you closer, his large hand splaying comfortably against your back.

"I'm not going anywhere. I just want you to be okay. What can I do for you?"

And that left you tearfully admitting it all. Longing for the physicality that would bring you closer together, the bliss of coming undone at your partner's hands. Disgust when you listened to your friends' bragging of delicious, gratifying one-night stands. Aching heat desperate to be relieved by your man only to be left at the edge, the warmth still tingling through your body. How you felt caught halfway between "normal" and "crazy" even with the drugs. And Kirishima nodded, hanging on every word.

"I'm glad you told me," he began, slowly trailing his fingertips up and down your back. "If I had known, I would've worked ten times harder. Will you let me make you feel good, honey? Please?"

How did those few sentences send you into another fit of tears? Clutching the lightweight fabric of his shirt and apologizing for the damp stains, you nuzzled against his chest in embarrassment. But he continued his motions, adept fingers working at your tense muscles.

That night, he gave you everything you wanted and more, eager to please you in a way he never had. Eyes focused, sweet nothings spilling from his lips, tender hands and featherlight kisses. Teasing and romance and dedication over hours, something you'd never experienced before.

On paper, Kirishima was perfect. Off paper, he was even more. And he fulfilled his promise to you, "I love you" slipping from his lips when you finally reached your euphoria.

"I love you too, Eijirou."

"I'll always love you more."

#kirishima eijirou #kirishima x y/n #kirishima x reader #bnha #mha #bnha x reader #bnha x y/n #bnha x gn!reader #bnha kirishima #mha kirishima #tw bipolar #tw medication #kaysays #i'm super nervous posting this one #ngl

27 notes · View notes

mirrinbelde-shitposts · 3 years

Note

Heyyy!

Here fr d game!

Umm im guessing ur an pisces mercury*hehe jst types wht comes to mind at 1st

Also i wont mind if u post it publicly or send me privately

Here is my birthchart(tropical)

Lawl SUSPENSE..Hehe

Anw Have a great day/night ahead🤍🥂

Guessing was fun tho..evn if i guessed wrng one💀🤣

Hey!! You did guess wrong, sorry about that xd but it's oki, don't worry about it! Have a good day too ^^

Welcome to your reading. Please remember to send feedback.

First impressions when looking at your chart: you don't have a lot of aspects, but a lot of them are exact: that wedge patter between Saturn, Venus and Mercury is very exact; you have an even distribution of planets among the signs and the houses; also, the angles (except IC) all conjunct planets or points

SUN IN AQUARIUS

As an Aquarius, you are quirky, aloof, dreamy and humanist. People may think you're awkward and detached, which is probably true for you since your Sun is at 0º of Aquarius. Your originality and uniqueness are probably the things you love about yourself the most. Your mind is also quite agile, which allows you to fulfil your dreams. Nevertheless, we cannot ignore the fact that the Sun is in Detriment in the sign of Aquarius. This means that the Sun can struggle here, making you feel confused as to who you are and how you can express yourself. You very much value your independence and your rebelliousness. However, you can be stubborn to a fault when it comes to your thoughts and opinions.

SUN IN THE 7TH HOUSE

The Sun in the house of Libra shows that you really enjoy socializing and that's also where you shine the most brightly. The Venusian influence gives you charm and elegance, which cause people to flock to you. Also, you may show your true colours in relationships, particularly romantic ones. Having someone close to you will allow you to achieve a better understanding of yourself. You do well when it comes to working with others; this placement helps the detached, independent Aquarius Sun to be more sociable and better appreciate others. Also, the Venus influence can make people look up to you and see themselves in you, something that doesn't really happen with Aquarius Suns in generally. You may do well in associations or organizations because you have a need to be in society.

MOON IN CAPRICORN

Once again, you have a planet in Detriment. Capricorn, the sign of Saturn, struggles to feel and voice the emotions they experience. Therefore, it is natural that the Moon finds this sign difficult. You think too much. Perhaps you had a complicated relationship with your mother, which may have caused you to repress your emotions. Capricorn placements, in general, tend to grow up and mature quite early, which leads to unhealthy coping mechanisms; you had to raise your walls up high, so you struggle to let anyone in. You may also be socially awkward. At the same time, you may seek validation from society, which is one of the things that may give you that emotional security that you deeply seek. You should work on letting your guard down; emotions are not the enemy, it's okay to feel what you feel. Let out your inner child once in a while.

MOON IN THE 6TH HOUSE

Here, the Moon is in the house of Virgo (but lying almost on top of the Descendant). There is a strong connection between body and mind. You seek emotional safety through your work and other acts of service; you want to be useful to people and to spend your time wisely. You may be a workaholic. Your routines are very important to you; you can get distraught if someone messes with your daily habits. Your health may be a concern to you, but since your Moon is harmoniously aspected, I'd say you're generally healthy. Nevertheless, watch for any hereditary diseases or problems with food or alcohol. The square with Mars suggests to me that you can quickly let out your anxieties. You like discipline, organization and cleanness; you are determined in the pursuit of your goals. You may have a vocation to work directly with people. Your moods may change quickly.

MERCURY IN CAPRICORN

With Mercury in Capricorn, you speak in a very structured, pondered way. You are very analytical and it shows in the way you communicate. You're a realist, but people may think you're more pessimistic. You definitely tend to be pessimistic at times, as well as distrustful and sceptical. You like to research, to gather information before speaking. You're concrete in your thinking, logical and organized. You take your time to make decisions; you weigh all the pros and cons carefully. Probably not the one to daydream or have many fantasies; you prefer the realistic and achievable. Although you're mostly serious, you can be playful sometimes.

MERCURY IN THE 6TH HOUSE

Capricorn Mercury is similar to Mercury in the house of Virgo. You are probably a perfectionist person, determined and organized. You analyse everything, yourself and your emotions included. You're very critical, especially of yourself. You hold everyone to high standards; once again, yourself the most. Like Capricorn Mercury, you can have pessimistic tendencies. You probably repress your feelings and rationalize them instead. Additionally, your knowledge can progress through daily life experiences and through your body. You should practice meditation and mindfulness because your anxiety and stress may have a direct effect on your bodily health.

VENUS IN PISCES

Venus is exalted in Pisces. This sign is intuitive, empathetic and emotional, which are traits that Venus likes. You feel everything and negative energies really get to you, so it's important that you find a partner that gives you emotional stability. You make a good lover, for you are caring and sensitive to people's needs, especially your partner's. Venus here gives you ethereal, alluring vibes. You can seem almost magical to people. You can be very protective of those you love, selfless; you can even sacrifice yourself for them. You're a daydreamer, you live in your own fantasy world. You have great aesthetic taste and you're quite romantic. However, be careful not to be taken advantage of; your too-good nature can land you someone whose intentions are far from the best.

VENUS IN THE 8TH HOUSE

Venus here acquires some Scorpio traits, namely the need to get a deep connection with someone. You are a person of extremes, not of middle-terms. In this sense, you can get effortlessly get people to open up to you, to tell you their deepest, darkest secrets. Since the (H also rules other people's money, you may get rich through an inheritance or a good marriage. Also, people may trust you with their money. In love, too, they aspire to learn everything about their partner. You seek transformative relationships, ones that will allow you to experience a different range of emotions, another dimension, even. Casual relationships are probably not your thing. You can get too controlling and dominating, so beware of that. Also, financial security is important to you; you may even have a job that has directly to do with money.

ARIES MARS

Here, Mars is in its rulership. You are quite reckless and impulsive in your actions. You like to be the first, to be the pioneer (much like Aries is the first sign of the Zodiac). You have a knack for leadership and people tend to be happy to follow your lead. You are quite competitive in just about everything; you can have a sour loser. You are quick to get mad, but after you explode, your anger will be gone in an instant. You are great at achieving goals because Mars helps you to stay motivated and determined; you are quite persistent and usually get what you want. You can also work well under pressure. Laziness is not in your blood. Your independence is quite important to you, as are your opinions. You can be quite stubborn and difficult to argue with, simply due to your relentlessness.

MARS IN THE 9TH HOUSE

Your Mars is in the house of Sagittarius. This placement allows you to acquire the necessary willpower for the journey to the expansion of knowledge and discovery. Your actions should help you with the acquisition of further knowledge, as well as ideas and strengthening your freedom. This placement goes against the need of routine imposed by your 6th house placements; Mars here wants you to get out there, be free, have fun, think about life, yourself and the universe. You have strong morals and philosophical ways. This placement may make you strongly seek, hunt, even, the truth of the fundamental questions. On another note, you can develop an attraction to foreign people and may wish to move away from home swiftly and without hesitation. This can be abroad too.

JUPITER IN VIRGO

Jupiter is in Detriment in Virgo. Whilst Jupiter is all about philosophy, the higher mysteries and expansion, Virgo seeks for the concrete, for what it knows, for the logical and rational. Therefore, this placement requires work. You are sceptical, you need to think and analyse everything before you come to a conclusion. Growth is achieved through responsibilities and being useful to others. A bit of idealism would be good, Jupiter struggles in Earth signs. You may think that you know more than you actually do, that you see the bigger picture when that is not true. Be careful not to grow an ego. Your beliefs will be challenged in this lifetime. You have a desire to help people, and in relationships too you want to do everything in your power to aid your partner.

JUPITER IN THE 2ND HOUSE

This placement generally brings good luck when it comes to money and other worldly possessions. You may also like to spend money, more on your loved ones than on yourself. You may be big into giving gifts. In order to reach that emotional security, you may wish to surround yourself with material items that, to you, hold great value and importance. Once you understand how better to acquire that stability, you may become rather generous with your money. You want a comfortable lifestyle. Like Venus in the 8th house, you may be good at managing your possessions, thus causing others to go to you for financial advice. You may not show it, but you have strong philosophical convictions, which may prove to be impossible to change.

SATURN IN CANCER

Saturn is in Detriment here, which makes it four planets in Detriment in your chart. You may feel a strong need for emotional safety, which could manifest as a fear of abandonment. There may also be some emotional blockages present that you struggle to overcome. Saturn retrograde, being the planet of Karma, may difficult your mission in life. You could be stuck on an unresolved trauma from a past life. This may be represented by a figure of authority in this life, perhaps your father. Instead of attempting to reconcile your past, try to accept the world changing around you. You may be too afraid to venture into the world and to open your heart; accept that it is part of life. Find people that give you that security, but don’t pour out your entire soul to them; find a balance. Not everything can be kept in our hearts, but not everything should be shared, either.

SATURN IN THE 12TH HOUSE

This is quite a strong and powerful placement: you have the planet of karma in the most karmic house. Also, according to Hellenistic Astrology, Saturn has its joy in the 12th house. You may be afraid to mess with the subconscious because your emotions may overtake you. Saturn is related to blockages and yours may be due to paranoia, which is characteristic of Neptune and Pisces. You may repress parts of yourself that you are not happy about, which makes you feel better, but, at the same time, paranoia can set in and make you wonder if that is the right thing to do. That aside, you may also struggle with poor self-esteem and doubts about yourself and life. There can be problems of guilt of some sort, perhaps even related to your life itself. It is very vague, but my thoughts about this placement are, in short, that, from birth, there have been deep traumas within you that have blocked your inner peace. What does are, I do not know. ⬛️

#astrology #game ask #my stuff

11 notes · View notes

kidmetsu-no-yaiba · 3 years

Text

What They Do When You’re Having A ‘Split’ And Become Angry

This includes: Tsukishima, Kuroo, Bokuto, Kita, Suga, Ennoshita, Ushijima

This is just how I perceive them as what they would do for a best friend/romantic partner that experiences BPD anger in a similar way as I do. Also I'm off my stabilizers haha..ha.

Also none of these are meant to be mean about the characters I literally chose my faves for this.

Uh TW for bpd I guess?

Gender Neutral reader bay bee

Tsukishima (Not the trigger):

Doesn’t even recognize it at first, thinks its just a normal bad day from work

After, like, 30 minutes of you just sitting there and glaring at your phone without talking or even changing your expression he starts to get a clue.

Goes about his normal chores that upset you, but he plays your “Calming” playlist out loud on his phone just loud enough for you to hear

If he’s exhausted every chore and you still haven’t talked, he purposefully looks for funny or interesting news articles about stuff you like and reads the headlines out to you to get you to look at him or talk

Once you start at least looking at him, hopefully talking too, begins trying to coax out what triggered you

Ignores if you make any outright mean or just passive aggressive comments towards him instead of answering but will get aggressive in return

If he manages to get What Happened out of you he immediately calls you an idiot. Regardless of what it is. Is a mean comforter.

“Getting mad over your best friend talking on the phone too long while you’re hanging out isn’t an excuse to be mean”

“You’re stupid if you think it’s your fault that your friends aren’t paying attention to you, not everything is about you.”

It hurts but, it works even if sometimes it feels like he’s going a Bit Too Far

Will watch comforting videos or shows with you if it calms you down but that's about it. Very big on “You’re an adult and I’m not your psychiatrist, figure it out yourself.”

Kuroo (Is the trigger):

Instantly recognizes the Shut Down while teasing you, when you stop responding, your face is blank except for your down turned eyes.

‘Oh I’ve Fucked Up™’ is his immediate thought

“Y/N you know I didn’t mean that right? We were just playing, I’m sorry!” “Don’t you have a proposal to finish.”

Immediate shoulder drop. Is also upset now but decides to wait a little bit before trying to calm you.

After 30min or so of you hiding under your blanket he decides it’s time to try and pull you out of your head.

Cooks your most aromatic favorite food so the smell wafts into your room

Blasts your comfort playlist on a speaker and loudly sings along to it

When you still don’t come out when the food is done, sits outside the door saying “oh FUCK this shit is BUSSIN’” comically loud, overexaggerates your favorite things about it outloud.

When you eventually give in, just to get some food, he corners you with his body

“What about what I said upset you?” As a genuine question, not a mean one

After you explain, he lets you eat and offers a sincere apology when you finish

Offers to draw a bath with your favorite scent if it’ll help you. It does.

Bokuto (Is the trigger):

You came home and Bokuto had the tv up high while watching tiktoks and listening to music. After a moment the tea kettle went off. Before turning it off he realized you had walked in and bounded over to you. There were Too Many Noises.

He tried to talk over the noise but realized your eyes were boring into his and you had The Look

Also a ‘Oh I’ve Fucked Up™’

Rushes to take the kettle off the heat and turn off his phone before checking on you only to see you’ve already gone in and shut the bedroom door. You didn’t even take your shoes off..

Big pouty, sulky fool. Mopes around for a bit after turning off all the noise in the house.

Eventually looks for other things that upset you and finds that the house is, kind of a mess actually. Decides to clean as quietly as possible.

Does all of your least favorite chores first incase you re-emerge from the bedroom too soon

When everything seems to be done he opens your door and finds you tucked into bed and scrolling on your phone, very quiet music playing from it.

It was only 5pm but he took off his street clothes and climbed into bed as well.

Absolutely gets up behind you and grabs you around your waist and snuggles in without saying anything even though he wants to

When you finally feel comfortable you look over your shoulder to see Bokutos already fallen asleep. Idiot.

You order takeout for when he wakes up because, even though he tried his hardest to be quiet, you could hear him washing the dishes and didn’t want to ruin the work he did for you

Kita (Not the trigger):

Very straightforward the second he realizes you are Not Good

"Y/N if you tell me what's wrong it'll end quicker"

When you don't even look at him he still continues talking "We both know you hate when you're like this. It'll make you feel better if you just talk to me even if you don't want to."

Is fairly stern when talking to you at the beginning. Not mean but just very much like 'this is going to get done whether or not you cooperate.'

If you don't cooperate then he begins to ignore you until you snap and eventually scream and air out everything that's wrong and what triggered you.

Goes through everything you said with you and gives you an objective perspective although it basically boils down to "I know you can't help it but your ego is hurting you. Not Everything Is About You."

Once your conversation on that is over he asks if you want him to watch tiktok or listen to music or something with you

Suga (Is the trigger):

He hadn’t meant to ignore you all day. He’d woken up before you and been so busy at work all day he didn’t get a chance to text. It was the club he advised’s meeting day and it was dragging on longer than usual, he hadn’t texted anyone all day to be fair

When he finally comes home he’s confused as to why you’re tucked in on the couch

“Hey Y/N you tired? Sorry I didn’t get a chance to talk today there was a lot of bureaucratic shit going on and then the club president decided we were all going to stay until the end of the activity. Kids am I right?” He laughs and smiles towards you but you continue to ignore him

After some physical encouragement, poking and whatnot, it dawned on him that you are Probably Going Through It

Jesus Christ

Immediately decides he is not having it and moves your legs off the couch so he can sit next you

“Y/N I looovvveeee youuuuu~~~” He says as he pulls you to him by the shoulders “I love you I love you I love youuu”

Just babbles honestly, goes on and on about how he didn’t mean to ignore you and how he was honestly busy but he’s here now

And like yeah, he is here now so eventually you level out and let yourself be coddled for a bit longer

Makes pinky promises that he promises to text you when he’s busy or going to be running late

Also runs you a nice bath just in case

Ennoshita (Not the trigger):

Knows what's going on because he’s been watching you stare at the tv for about 20 minutes but, the tv is off.

Is objective with his words like Kita but with more emotional appeal

“Y/N I know you’re in the middle of something but when you’re ready, I’ll be ready to listen to you,”

If, after a while, you don’t make any effort to talk to him he tries to point you in a better direction than staring at walls and moping around

“You don’t have to talk to me but I found a tiktok I think you’d enjoy” or “You know you haven’t tried that new nail polish you bought a bit ago”

Is okay with just letting you figure it out on your own so you can apply the stuff you’ve worked on with your psychiatrist but will feel a little guilty if he doesn’t say anything at all

Will do anything that you need to get done but aren’t because of your episode like dishes or tidying your room

Ushijima (Not the trigger):

First of all, calls your episodes “tantrums”

Literally has no clue when you’re in an episode unless you tell him, he is not very bright

If you do tell him that you’re having issues he defaults to trying to use physical affection against whatever it is that you’re feeling

May or may not make you angrier by doing that

Although he wasn’t the original trigger, him being so dense might override it tbh

Like you love him but oh my god oh my god oh my god how have you survived this long

Eventually decides “I do not know how to deal with this” and just leaves. He goes to the store and gets the shopping done for the next 2 weeks and gets some cool looking snacks.

Thinks ‘well I’m already out, I might as well get the car washed’ after, turns into ‘Oh Y/N needed to get their new prescription too..’ ‘I think I remember a discussion about their package getting stuck at the post office..’

Literally accidentally does every single errand that needed to be done for the next month because he didn’t want to go home and upset you more

When he finally comes back home with 50lbs worth of shit from errands you’re like ????? because how did he know that you were stressed about all the house stuff that needed to be done?????

It’s not an instant mood changer but you definitely go from seemingly uncontrollable rage to ‘Okay I was being a bit much’ but as you watch him prep veggies before storing them away the way you usually do it, you level out

He is unaware you’ve levelled out so he tries to remember the coping skills you said you talked about with your psychiatrist and you are deeply confused when he asks you to open your palm and places an ice cube in it

When you realize what’s going on you laugh and tell him you’re okay and apologize for how you were being earlier and explain what triggered you

He gives you the cool looking snacks

24 notes · View notes

mentallyrecovering · 2 years

Note

all of them for your mental health ask

1. How are you feeling today?

Pretty good a little anxious due to 4 cups of caffeintated tea but ill be fine!

2. What is a positive thing that happened today?

I woke up well rested with no bad dreams that I remember!

3. Have you used a coping mechanism today and which one did you use?

I guess I used thought interruption techniques on my intrusive thoughts and then used breathing techniques when I had to deal with my roommates

4. Do you have a psych/therapist/mental health team?

I have a psych and therapist because im lucky enough to be able to pay for them! they are great at their jobs and really care about me!

5. Did you reach out today for mental health support?

Yes to you @nunyabizni

6. What soothes you during and episode?

Watching the lion king or Moana or the twilight movies

7. What is in your mental health survival kit?

Yarn and a crochet hook, tea bags, some chocolate, and my anxiety medication

8. Do your family/friends support you?

My family supports me in the sense they want me to be happy but when it comes to acknowledging mental health issues they dont really understand. They dont see why I can't just be happy.

I dont really have IRL friends that know about my mental health so they dont really support me

9. What are you diagnosed with?

Bipolar disorder, anxiety, and PTSD the holy trinity lol

10. Who is your go to person when you are struggling and need support?

My sister! she loves me and always wants me to be happy so she will cheer me up

11. Do you take medication?

Yep I take a mood stabilizer Latuda and anxiety meds Gabapentin and PTSD bad dream meds Prozasin

12. Does having a Tumblr help your mental health?

Sometimes it does I can reach out for support or vent but when discourse happens and I get hate I hate being on Tumblr

13. What are your hobbies and when do you do them the most?

Crochet, knitting, sewing, writing, reading, embroidery, taking care of house plants and I do them every day or at least try to!

14. Do you have any pets/service animals?

I have a puppy at home but not with me here in Iowa

15. How many days clean/sober are you if you struggling with addiction and if you arent what is one thing that makes you want to get clean/sober

Um I think maybe 13 today but I'm not sure!

16. What is your favorite comfort food

Chocolate for something sweet and burrito bowl for a meal

17. Who on Tumblr do you find the most supportive and helpful and tag them if you want to

@nunyabizni helps a lot and some of the mental health support blogs

18. What keeps you going in hard times

My will to prove people wrong about me like that im not really crazy or horrible im just mentally ill

19. Which show is your favorite show to watch when having a hard time

The flash, supernatural, game of thrones

20. Who is your favorite celebrity with mental health issue you look up to?

Um I can't think of any right now! Maybe Brittany spears! she's gone through shit and still is really determined to kick ass in life

4 notes · View notes

user64290 · 3 years

Note

Hey, I'm the anon who asked about diagnosis before. Well I tried to bring it up with my psychiatrist again and he said that he wants to take it slow and that he doesn't like labels. And on one hand it's not like I'm in love with labels either, but I also just want to be able to function in society and for that I need proper therapy for whatever I have (even if it'd turn out to be something else than BPD), and all therapists I've been to so far always told me that there is definitely something very wrong with me and that they are not equipped to handle whatever that is. So you know, I'd also like to know what that something is so that I can find a therapist who is equipped to handle that specifically. Plus I can't have any medication, if there is some for what I have, until we know what I have. Like, I don't know, do you think he's right? It's just, right now I'm not THAT bad off because due to the lockdown I'm home 24/7 aside from doctor visits, so when I have extreme mood swings or some paranoia shit going on or when I'm suicidal, there's like nobody to see that, it's just a me problem. But when I go back to school or to work when the pandemic ends, it's gonna be a BIG problem again, because then those me problems will start to affect others again. Because there's a difference between just suddenly feeling 1 on a scale of 10 at home and between suddenly feeling that at work, in front of a bunch of customers AND coworkers. And obviously there's also the general way I interact with people. It's like, my former psychiatrist kept sending me off for diagnosis for several years (it never worked out for different reasons. Twice she sent me for hospitalisation with the goal of diagnosis but forgot to send them the papers, so they didn't know that they were supposed to be diagnosing me, once the old woman who was supposed to diagnose me died, once, another one just suddenly moved out and nobody could contact her and she never sent my psychiatrist the results, etc, etc) so it just feels weird that suddenly this man is like "I don't like labels." I don't know, do you think I'm overreacting? I just don't know what to do.

Especially since I'm trans and my GIP also wanted me to get a diagnosis, she said it'd be great to know if there are any conditions like that, especially since they might interfere with my transition. She actually gave me a contact for a man who specialises in complex diagnosis and even gave me a referral "in case the new psychiatrist isn't receptive". I've been debating calling him for the past hour but I'm not sure if I should. On one hand, I'd like it if somebody could finally look me over and I'm sure my GIP will be red with rage next month if there's no diagnosis in sight. On the other hand my psychiatrist will most likely be mad if I do call this man. I just don't know what to do

call the man! your psychiatrist doesn’t have a say in this if you want/need a second opinion, which i really think you do. few reasons why you should get a diagnosis: 1. so that you can cope ahead and gain stability when its time to go back into the real world. 2. you deserve to know how to treat your illnesses. you’re in the dark right now. 3. your psychiatrist confuses me when he says he doesn’t like labels. clearly, you, his client is interested in their diagnosis. the way he pushed back just doesn’t sit right with me. IMO, getting a second opinion somewhere else is the least you can do for some mental clarity!

6 notes · View notes

dangan-happy · 3 years

Note

[HARK! That sounds like an ask that has just come in!] to rantaro. miu. and tenko

tw ed

ive been unable to sleep recently, and its almost. that. time of the month and its adding extra stress and irritation. on top of that i don't get along with my family and don't have anyone to really go to when im upset. but i just dont feel like im good enough and ive been coping by not eating at all, to help make me look prettier and everything hurts so much. i also am thinking that i am trans. and well, my parents are pretty.. against that and im not sure what to do. may i have a hug and maybe some reassurance?

Hey anon, I'm sorry to hear you're going through all that. From what I've seen, that time of month always seems to come at the worst time. There are some over the counter medications that can help stabilize mood swings and help with cramps, and I'd look into that if you think that can help you. Ok, you've probably heard this before, but not eating isn't gonna change anything. It'll only make things worse. That can lead to more mood swings, and honestly, you gain more weight when you don't eat for a long period of time. Your body starts to panic because it's starving, and brings out the reserve, last-ditch-effort nutrients to try to keep itself alive, which can result in weight gain, and by the time you lose that, you're really not in a great spot. Since you're not close to your family, is there a teacher or counselor you could talk to? I've been where you are, and honestly the only way to really help with eating disorders is professional help. Try to get help as soon as possible before it gets worse, and things can get worse fast. I'm sorry you're in pain. You really don't deserve to be in that state. So please, please reach out. I promise the help you need is out there.

You don't need to be prettier, you're perfect just the way you are. No matter what body type you have, or what gender you want to identify as, your body is just fine, and you don't need to hurt it or yourself. I'd focus on the eating disorder stuff first, to make sure you're in a safe headspace to really think about your gender identity. Regardless if you're trans or not, the important thing is that you're safe. I'd do some research, read the stories of other trans people, and just give it some thought, but not until you're in a healthy and safe headspace ok?

I'm sorry your parents aren't supportive of that, it makes me real sad to hear that. If you do want to transition, I promise that there are lots of communities of people who will support you, and I support you too, no matter what happens. Yeah, of course you can have a hug! I'll stay with you for as long as you need me ok? Please try to get the help you need, you don't deserve to hurt, and there's a much better life waiting for you.

Ugh, what a shitty thing to be going through while you’re trying to get some shut eye, it’s the worst. And when your family won’t shut up, jeeeez.. I can’t even imagine.

Look, you’re definitely good enough, even if it doesn’t feel like it. Beauty isn’t defined by standards, I mean look at me, I’m a gorgeous genius! And you’re beautiful the way you are babes, you need to eat properly before you fall ill. I would hate to know you’re feeling awful because you aren’t eating meals on the regular.

Transphobic parents…ugh, that shit can really tough to deal with.. I’m not sure how old you are anonymous, but I want to recommend you planning on moving out if you’re unable to. Coming out to parents that aren’t supportive can be a really difficult thing to come across. Especially when there are shitty parents out there that do kick out their own kids because they can’t seem to get in a good mindset to support something that isn’t wrong at all.

Of course you can have a hug babes, everything will be ok, I promise you.. Your parents may not support you potentially being trans…but I sure as hell do.

#danganronpa #danganronpa roleplay blog #ask #rantaro amami #miu iruma #mod rantaro #mod rockstar

8 notes · View notes

loustellaperry · 3 years

Text

Have this video of heavy rain accompanied by a bit of mania.

Sound on for about 8 seconds of rainy ambiance 🔈

•

Trigger warning ⚠️ : below is a very pessimistic, negative, confusing, and depressing post. It’s just a bit of a description of my manic, frenzy, dissociative, stressful head issues.

•

So I have been losing my mind recently. I’ve been, on average, having about two large panic attacks a day. I’m very worried and stressed about my mom’s surgery next week. I’m also in between mood stabilizers, and I’m still adjusting to this new thyroid pill shit. & I haven’t been getting a lot of sleep, and there’s a lot that probably points to the panic attacks, but either way, it’s happening.

& I can not seem to clear my head or am I willing to apply the tactics I’ve learned to clear my head with. And it’s not like I don’t want to, I just don’t seem willing. Like every time I begin to meditate or pray or journal, I just stop mid-coping-mechanism and panic. & I just don’t know what to do with myself.

I’m laying here in bed, TV paused, because I can’t take my mind off of the frenzy in my head right now.

And I just I don’t know. Making this post, and describing exactly what’s going on, helps, because I haven’t quit typing yet.

My head is just absolutely insane recently and vvvvvv hard to manage. I think I gotta call my therapist tomorrow to be honest.

I just have to get through this difficult time, and it’s so hard when I feel like my coping mechanisms have gone so stale. As well as my willingness to try anything, yano. It’s so annoying when you just have to sit and suffer. Like feel the unbearable feelings. Like I don’t want to, but at the same time I’m not really willing to feel anything else.

Also recently, I look in the mirror, and it’s a complete stranger. Like this has happened before, and I’m pretty sure it’s some form of dissociation. But my reflection, at first, is a completely different person. & my days are like running together. & like for instance, today, I legit was talking to my dog and the words “where have I been lately” came out of my mouth. Like I’ve been absent, like I can’t recall the change of days or what I did on the days. & idk man. It’s like a frenzy and a numbing and a wild silent stillness all at once. & everything is moving past me so fast.

& I also lowkey feel like I’m just annoying the shit out of everyone around me. Like I think they’re just so bored of hearing about my head problems lmao. I just feel like I talk and lower everyone’s vibration by like a ton. Like everyone’s in a great mood, and I just enter the room and change it yano. And idk I’m just venting. I’m probably wrong, but either way, I can’t access the correct perspective if that makes any sense at all. Like I am almost 9000% sure my perspective on everything is distorted. But who knows yano.

I’m so sorry about this vvv complainy negative post lmao. This is just my head at the moment, I’m probably just pmsing. & I definitely needed to vent so unfortunately it was on my tumblr this time.

Sending sm love & healing,

Lucy

3 notes · View notes

portmantaur · 3 years

Text

i sat across from a psychiatrist recently (insofar as that’s possible during a video call) and experienced a deep and primal kind of frustration when I realized that if it weren’t for the symptoms I spent half an hour begging her to treat (which she refused to do), i would make a more astute and more sympathetic doctor than the person treating me.

this post might be disjointed and im not 100% certain what the point of it is, but i need it somewhere written down, if only so my brain can un-jumble it enough to process.

when I was younger, I was forced into a diagnosis because of a situation of abuse. I don’t feel like going into detail, but basically I could either a) be homeless or b) get a diagnosis that could potentially be used to hospitalize me against my will. I knew I wouldn’t survive on the street, so I did what I thought was all I could at the time. I got a diagnosis for bipolar disorder; it was the easiest one to get because there are a lot of overlap in symptoms of bipolar and symptoms of many, many other illnesses and disorders. I knew I had something, but I also knew I didn’t have time or freedom to find out the truth and healthily heal.

I recently got diagnosed with ADHD, as an adult. this IS the correct diagnosis — coping mechanisms and adaptations that have worked for me, in my entire life, have come EXCLUSIVELY from treatment for/literal experts on ADHD. it is very obvious given my history that I need medication for this. It’s also becoming increasingly obvious that there is no way bipolar disorder even remotely fits my symptoms in their totality - even in their majority.

primarily: I have never, in all 29 years of my life, experienced any level of mania. Not even the hypomania expected of Type II. in order for someone to even qualify for a bipolar diagnosis, there must be a history of at LEAST one manic episode, even if it’s “only” hypomania.

I told my psychiatrist (to whom I was referred specifically because of this new ADHD diagnosis), in no uncertain terms, that this was the case. I have NEVER experienced mania. I do not experience significant fluctuations in my mood that impede my ability to live. I DO experience dysfunction in my focus, executive functions, concentration, emotional regulation (this is -not- the same thing as mania), memory recall, and most significantly motivation. These symptoms DO impede my ability to live. THESE are the symptoms that contributed to getting fired, flunking out of college, almost dropping out of high school, and a plethora of other such issues that span the entire length of my life.

my psychiatrist insisted on putting me on a mood stabilizer. she stated this was her duty, as stimulants can cause mania in people who have bipolar disorder - people who have already experienced at least one manic episode. I emphasized again that I had never experienced mania; mood symptoms, including mania, have never impeded my ability to function. I used those words. I said “this is what is impeding my ability to live.” I begged this woman for half an hour to please, please treat the symptoms I actually have - to believe me when I say that my bipolar diagnosis has never accounted for what actually ails me. I reiterated that I have been on what was considered the best mood (new) stabilizer for my diagnosis, and that it had absolutely no effect on my mood but it did make me incredibly ill. I told her that when I was prescribed a mood stabilizer when I was a child, it also had no effect on my symptoms but it did have detrimental physical side effects.

I came out of that appointment with a prescription for a mood stabilizer, which I have to taper onto, stay on for at least a month, and then presumably taper off of if (when) it doesn’t work. There is no potential benefit from this medication, since it treats epilepsy and bipolar disorder, neither of which I have. It does come with 2 rare but possible side effects that are LETHAL. however unlikely, it is entirely within the realm of possibility that this medication could kill me.

she of course neglected to tell me that in the session, insisting that it was not a very reactive medication, and having spent most of her time repeating that she cannot risk sending me into a manic episode - a symptom I have never, ever experienced. She didn’t even ask me how I came about the diagnosis if I had never experienced the single required symptom for a diagnosis. I knew, after the conversation and after I had been allowed to sort through my thoughts that I was unable to process or express because of the symptoms I was pleading with her to consider & treat, that as a doctor, that would have been my FIRST question. I knew that I would call into question the validity of a diagnosis if my patient was claiming they did not experience the necessary symptom to receive a diagnosis. Maybe I would then find out my patient suffered from paranoia and delusions, and was in denial or fearful of their disorder. Or maybe I would have found out that someone from an abusive situation was forced to get a diagnosis that their abuser would approve of, for the purposes of control.

I’m on a mood stabilizer now, because I do not have another option. There is nowhere else I can go, and I NEED treatment - just not what I’m being given. I have to prove my own lived experiences just to be taken even slightly seriously enough; I have to obsessively document my experience with this medication so I can prove to a professional what I already told her was true. I have to do homework to get medication that my brain needs in order to function.

I can’t really fathom a reason she could be denying me treatment and exposing me to a medication that, because of my (lack of) condition, presents all risk and zero chance of reward. Does she believe her opinion of a list of disorders on a piece of paper and thirty minutes of my time is more valid and important than the opinion I have on the brain ive been living with for 29 years? Does she think it’s more important to make sure she cannot be legally liable for the actions of someone she may have induced mania in than to listen to and treat what the patient is actually presenting? I don’t know. And to be honest, I don’t really care. I can’t think of a justifiable reason to essentially prescribe me stress. I already have signs of common side effects of this medication - drowsiness, headaches, etc. I do not have any signs of it’s benefits.

But this is my life for at least a month, and probably longer after that, because for whatever reason, my lived experience is not as valid or important as some words on a sheet of paper. I am being forced to endure a significant time of increased stress and potentially dangerous physical harm to my body because for whatever reason, my entire lifetime of experience with my symptoms was summarily ignore by a medical professional.

like I said, I’m not even sure what the point of this post is. I’m exhausted. I am so tired of telling people what is wrong, of telling them what I am experiencing and feeling, of telling them how I have to live my life, and being told that somehow I - the person who has, for all intents and purposes, spent 29 years with the patient needing treatment - am wrong. I am somehow not capable of understanding a brain I have had to adapt to for my entire life. I am tired of being ignored. It’s not even just my psychiatric care - my gallbladder dysfunction nearly caused me to go septic because the first time I went to the emergency room, the doctor in charge of my care more or less concluded that I was faking or exaggerating my pain, and thus refused to run any further tests and abruptly ended my access to pain treatment. By the time my actual problem was diagnosed, I required two separate surgeries to fix the problem. They admitted me immediately because leaving the problem any longer threatened my life.

Medical professionals would rather risk killing me than actually listening to me. And I am so exhausted. I just want to live.

5 notes · View notes

not-close-to-straight · 4 years

Text

More Than Words (Twenty Four)

Ohhh this chapter is sad, but honestly the scene with Johnny is beautiful. TW for mentions of depression/Peter coping by way of too many pills. Just basically what you’d expect after last chapter. Tissues are needed.

MTW MASTERLIST HERE

**************

Three months later…

Afterwards, after everything, after mysteriously appearing at Haven Mercy Hospital and being lost unconscious for most of two weeks, after the panic and anxiety and screaming, after repeated sedation and psychological evaluations, after multiple prescriptions for pain pills and sleep aids and mood stabilizers--

--afterwards, even three months afterwards, Peter just never quite recovered.

The Omega had always been lean, but afterwards Peter couldn’t seem to put on weight at all. His cheekbones stayed sharply defined, his collarbone oddly prominent beneath his shirts. His wrists were fragile, skinny jeans loose at his waist, and the dusting of freckles across his nose stark against skin that stayed pale no matter how often his friends came along to drag him out into the winter sun.

The aches and pains from his ordeal lingered far longer than they should have, and the Omega compensated with prescription level narcotics to keep himself numb. And If he wasn’t numb then Peter was angry, sharp and caustic and swinging between furious that Cable had ruined his life and devastated thinking about Wade left alone without him.

It wreaked havoc on his mind to be so constantly close to out of control, so Peter took dose after dose of the stabilizers to keep himself steady and empty and disassociated from it all.

Once he was numb and steady, the Omega was only ever tired, but nightmares were a constant companion since leaving the hospital so Peter took the sleeping pills every night before passing out comatose in his bed so he could make it till morning.

Numb. Empty. Exhausted.

The world was dull, extra strength blockers muting the Omega to the emotions or scent of anyone who passed by, extra strength suppressants keeping him so far past blank that other Omega’s stopped in the street and stared at him in shock, Alphas started to go out of their way to understand why such a pretty Omega scented so pale but then turned and left again when they caught sight of the empty in Peter’s eyes.

This new reality was far away from the giddy happiness that had been days with his Alpha, the drugging lust of unbridled moments when touches grew careless and kisses grew sharp, the hazy beauty of trust and love and adoration sank deep into dark red eyes…

This was so far away from everything and the thought never failed to make Peter’s mood dive, to make his body ache as if grief left physical bruises, to bring his nightmares back around into vivid focus.

But the pain pills helped. The mood stabilizers helped. The sleep aids helped. And the Omega refilled the prescriptions as often as allowed and took the pills all together so he didn’t have to go a single moment without something to shield his heart and soul from the mate sickness tearing ragged edges at his sanity.

The award money from the expose against Justin Hammer paid the bills, and even though Peter had been offered several different jobs and several glowing recommendations both from his former boss at the Bugle and Tony Stark himself, the Omega turned every opportunity down.

He didn’t have to work quite yet and he didn’t want to work maybe ever again, so the Omega simply didn’t.

He simply didn’t.

The Omega didn’t do much of anything, really. It was a miserable winter in New York so most reasons for wanting to stay home were at least partially credible. His reasons for avoiding going to the movies or out for dinner with his friends and May were less credible, but everyone tried to be patient, tried to be understanding, tried to give Peter the benefit of the doubt and all the time he needed to work past whatever had happened.

They didn’t really know what had happened of course. Doctor Grey had assured May that Peter’s hurt hadn’t been everything awful like they’d initially feared but she couldn’t-- or wouldn’t-- say more than that.

Nobody knew and Peter wasn’t inclined to say much of anything anymore, much less to talk about his time away, so May never pushed but only offered, “I’m here if you want to talk, Peter.” and his friends acted as if nothing was wrong, acted like he was being a cranky Omega and just needed a little bit of time to get over it.

From a doctor’s standpoint, neither approach was ideal but on the days Peter felt anything at all, he felt a little grateful for people who loved him and tried.

Gwen and Mary Jane came over at least once a week to bring Peter food and invade his space by way of cuddles and movie marathons. Mary Jane would snuggle close into Peter’s side and purr into his ear, rub her cheek into his shoulder and try to share her muted scent with the other Omega, giving comfort by way of shared biologies and the knowing that sometimes only an Omega could understand how someone else was hurting.

Gwen’s approach was more along the lines of loving bullying, the Alpha pushing and prodding and practically manhandling Peter up against her body until they were plastered together on the couch, or hauling Pete’s lean frame right on her lap and hand feeding him whatever food they’d brought along, growling and teasing and being as obnoxious an Alpha as she dared until the Omega would finally, reluctantly eat.

Harry came over more often than the girls did, the instinct to protect an Omega he loved over-riding the other responsibilities in his life. The best thing about being Norman Osborn’s son was a guaranteed paycheck and position at the company whether he was physically present or not, and Harry took full advantage of the privilege.

Some mornings he brought along the newspaper and a new book for Peter and cajoled the Omega outside and at least down to a little cafe for breakfast, other times he dropped by for lunch with a stack of applications for internships or jobs he thought Peter would be interested in. Every once in a while he’d get the Omega out of the house after dark for a movie or even just a walk through the park to look at the stars and Peter always smiled a little bit those nights, smiled and one time even stood on his toes to give Harry a very soft kiss on the cheek.

Johnny only came by a few times, once or twice with the girls where he sat awkwardly in the other chair and watched as Gwen and MJ chatted amiably about their days while brushing at Peter’s hair and fussing about his clothes, and once or twice with Harry when they went for lunch or a walk. The Alpha was withdrawn and quiet, never quite looking at Peter but unable to look away all at the same time.

If Peter were healthy and normal and whole he might push Johnny up to a wall and demand to know what was wrong, why the Alpha was being weird, or he might even cry and ask why Johnny hadn't come to the hospital.

But the Omega wasn’t healthy and normal and whole so he ignored his friend and kept his very limited energy focused on the people that were actively trying to engage him, not the person who couldn't seem to find anything to say, the person who seemed content to let ten years of friendship fade away because Peter had been gone.

“How’s Johnny?” May would ask when she called every single night, and every single night Peter answered, “He’s fine, Auntie. He’s fine and I’m fine and we’re all-- we’re all fine.”

And it was a lie, it was always a lie. Peter wasn’t fine and his friends weren’t fine and nothing about anything was fine.

It was a lie, and as the days out of the hospital turned into weeks, and the weeks turned into months, the prescriptions got refilled and the curtains stayed drawn and Peter sank further and further into himself. He cancelled plans and turned down invitations and snapped at the girls when they came in uninvited, dodged Harry’s attempts at drawing him out and the few times that Johnny looked up and met his eyes, Peter simply looked away.

He was tired and he couldn’t pretend otherwise anymore.

He was tired, but May and Gwen and MJ and Harry and Johnny didn’t seem to get it, because every time the Omega cancelled plans yet again, they just made a date for later and tried again.

Again and again and again.

And again and again and again until Peter quit answering the door and started avoiding their calls.

“Leave me alone.” he whispered to his phone as it rang shrill in the silent apartment, the screen over bright and noise jarring. It was Gwen or it was Mary Jane, it was May or it was Harry, it wouldn’t be Johnny but it was maybe Doctor Grey calling to check on him and the Omega couldn’t do it any more.

“Please just leave me alone.”

****************

“Peter, you should come for dinner tonight. I’m inviting the neighbor across the street, do you remember her? Her grandson Flash used to go to school with you and Gwen ages ago. He’s home from the military and--”

“I’m already in bed, May.” Peter could hardly lift his head from the pillow, the sedatives running drugged and lethargic through his system. “Maybe another time.”

“...I’m worried about you, Peter.” the Alpha whispered. “It’s been weeks since I’ve seen you, love. Have you thought any more about coming to stay with me? We could move you out of that place over a weekend and you could just come home with me.”

“M’fine, Auntie.”

“No you’re not.”

“No.” the phone slipped from the Omega’s hand and clattered on the floor as he fell into thankfully dreamless sleep. “No m’not.”

****************

“Pete?” One windy, awful day Johnny let himself into Peter’s apartment and called for the Omega. “Pete are you-- it’s Johnny. I um-- I knocked but you didn’t answer so I used my key.”

There was no answer, and the Alpha took another step into the entry way. “Pete? Are you home?”

“M’here.” Peter was sat on the floor in the very middle of his living room, fingers clenched into the shaggy carpet, back ram rod straight, face washed bloodless and frightened. “Johnny, I’m here.”

“Hey hey hey.” Johnny shucked away his scarf and hurried to kneel at Peter’s side, three months of awkwardness dissolving in an instant as protect won out over uncertain in the Alpha’s core. “What’s going on? Pete? What happened, what happened?”

He pried the Omega’s fingers out of the rug and rubbed them between his palms, blowing gently to try and warm him up. “It’s freezing in here, honey. How long have you been sitting in the cold? Is your heater working?”

“Dunno.” Peter shook his head. “Dunno how long I’ve been here. How long have you been here? Has my door been open the entire time?”

“...no.” Johnny cursed under his breath when he got a peek into Peter’s glazed eyes. “No, Pete. Your door’s only open cos I came through a minute ago. What happened? What is going on with you?”

“I got in a taxi. Told him to take me to the movie theater.” It was outright eerie how Peter talked these days, as if he was reciting memorized facts, like he’d told himself the story over and over before telling anyone else. “Haven’t left the house in four days, thought it was time. We drove eight blocks, maybe nine and then a big truck changed lanes too quickly and we almost crashed.”

“Shit, that’s scary.” the Alpha inched closer so he could rub at Peter’s shoulders too. “You’re alright though? Nobody got hurt and you made it home. Everything’s okay?”

“I panicked.” Peter said dully. “Started screaming, pretty sure I started screaming. There was a lot of noise and I don’t usually hear much noise. Guess it was me. Must have been me, right? I must have been screaming.”

He was unfocused, staring, and missed the way Johnny grimaced away from the monotone words. “I told the cab driver to take me home, told him to take me back and he brought me here instead so I just-- I just sat down. You came in. I’m freezing.”

“Yeah, yeah you’re practically frozen solid.” Johnny pushed back all his questions and worry about Peter panicking, ignored the nagging feeling of unease when the Omega referred to his apartment as here instead of home, and focused instead on getting Peter warm. “Come on, come here with me. Nice hot shower and I’ll get you some food, alright? Thai food from that place down the way you like so much. How many egg rolls do you want?”

“I’m not hungry.” Peter was awkwardly pliant as Johnny got him to his feet and helped him down the hall, almost limp as the Alpha yanked his shirt up over his head and then his jeans down and off as well. He’d never been much of a shy Omega, not around his friends, not around the people he knew and loved and trusted, but it was awkward how Peter just stood there and let Johnny get him nearly naked without protest. “Not-- not hungry.”

“Sure you are.” the Alpha kept his eyes on Peter’s face and forced a cheerful smile. “We’re due for a lunch date anyway, right? It’s about time I start helping out, sorry I’ve been MIA but I’m here now and we can get warm and then we’ll eat and then we can talk and then--”

“I’m not hungry.” The Omega said again and this time he sounded exhausted. “Just tired. Cold. Will you shower with me?”

Before everything, Johnny would have jumped at the chance to shower with the pretty Omega. Lathering shampoo into Peter’s thick hair and getting his hands to wash down that gorgeous body was the sort of thing every Alpha dreamed about, especially an Alpha that had been half in love with the Omega Peter Parker since he’d been old enough to know what love was.

Before everything, Johnny would have made an absolute fool of himself clambering into the shower and grabbing the Omega up tight, but this was after everything and the Alpha couldn’t think about all the things he’d wanted to do with Peter someday.

After everything, all Johnny could think about was how small Peter looked with his hair too long and curling by his ears, shaggy and stringy and falling into empty brown eyes, and how Peter’s hands shook as he reached for Johnny’s belt and the way that damn ring looked so big and out of place on the Omega’s slim fingers.

“Peter...” he started lamely, uselessly. “Maybe I’m not the best person to--”

“Where have you been, Johnny?” the Omega asked softly, and guilt rose bitter in the back of Johnny’s throat. “You didn’t come to the hospital, don’t have anything to say if you come around with everyone else. I don’t want to see anyone but at least at first I would’a liked to see you. Where have you been?”

“I’m sorry.” There were a whole lot of things the Alpha should have said right then, but all he could manage was, “I’m sorry. I-- I’m here now though, Pete. If you want me to stay.”

“I’m cold.” Came the simple answer, and In the small bathroom it was more obvious than ever how Peter didn’t scent of anything these days, not honeysuckle and lavender, not even panic and heartbreak and pain. His scent was blank like his eyes and expression were blank and Johnny felt the emptiness like a knife to the gut.

“I can keep you warm.” the words were out in the air between them before the Alpha had even fully decided to say it. “I-- I can keep you warm, Pete.”

The shower was barely big enough for the both of them, so Johnny held Peter tight up against his body, cuddling the Omega over his heart and wrapping his arms around the frightfully thin frame. “Such a sad Omega.” he whispered when Peter shivered and tried to curl closer. “So many bad things for such a pretty, perfect Omega to go through. M’so sorry, Pete. So sorry. C’mere love, right here, c’mere.”

The Alpha kept up a steady litany of sweet nothings as they stood beneath the water, picking up shampoo and working it gently through the Omega’s hair, sweeping the bubbles over Peter’s skin and down his back until they swirled away down the drain. They didn’t need to talk-- or rather, they did need to talk but not right this second-- and Johnny didn’t think he could handle hearing Peter lie about being fine, so he stayed whispering quiet comfort and careful touches until the shower ran cold and it was time to get out.

He left the Omega swathed in a thick towel and then dried himself off and jogged for his phone. An order into the Thai place Peter liked so much meant Johnny would hopefully have an easier time getting the Omega to eat and if Peter would eat then they could maybe talk and Johnny could stop feeling like he was going to lose his mind.

“Hey sweetheart.” he set his phone down when Peter came shuffling into the living room wrapped in a threadbare blanket. “Let me get you some clothes, alright? I already turned up the heat but you can’t be warm in just that blanket so I’ll get you some pajamas. Give me a sec, okay?”

“What are you doing here, Johnny?” Peter sounded more alert, though his eyes were still dull and tone flat. “I’ve only seen you a few times in the last three months, why the hell are you showing up and showering with me and calling me honey. What are you doing?”

The Alpha swallowed uncomfortably. “I ordered some food, Pete. Why don't we eat and then we can talk?″

“Tell me why you’re here, or get the hell out.” Peter interrupted, a flash of anger in his eyes that was there and gone in less than a blink. “I’m tired. And I’m cold. And I wanna sleep. Don’t have the energy to entertain anyone today or listen to half ass apologies or-- or pity.”

There it was again, anger extinguished almost as soon as it sparked. “Why are you here?”

“... I’m sorry I didn’t come see you in the hospital.” Johnny began slowly, haltingly, sinking down into a chair opposite the couch and clasping his hands between his knees. “I should’ve been there. They weren’t letting any of us back to see you except Mary Jane and when I heard why they thought seeing an Alpha might-- might bother you, I couldn’t handle it. I ran. Didn’t want to be there.”

Peter only blinked at him, and the Alpha cursed his own weakness before continuing, “Wish I could say I was strong enough to handle it like Gwen and Harry were but I kept thinking about you hurt and it made me throw up every time. Eventually I figured I’d only upset you if I came around and I didn’t want to do that. I know everyone thinks I’m an asshole for leaving you alone but--”

Johnny spread his hands helplessly. “--I’m here now, okay? I’m here.”

Peter didn’t reply, and Johnny nodded in weary understanding. “It’s not enough, I know. Too little, too late. But I just, I gotta say something Pete and I want you to let me get all the way through it before you reply or yell at me or throw me out, alright? Can I-- can I ask that?”

“Ask whatever you want.” Peter burrowed back further into the blanket, playing idly with the ring loose around his finger. “Everyone sorta says what they want these days anyway. Go ahead.”

It was permission but it was also a tiny bit bitter and the Alpha hesitated for a moment. “Um-- okay. Okay here we go. I know you and I aren’t as close as you and MJ are, and I know you’ve got more history with Harry and Gwen than with me. But I--” Johnny cleared his throat. “I love you just as much as they do. I know I’ve been gone and that’s real shitty of me, but I love you Pete, I do.”

The Omega twitched uncomfortably, and Johnny rushed on before he lost his nerve, “I know you don’t want to talk about what happened and shit, I dunno if I could handle hearing it but I’m not stupid, Pete. You’re barely functioning, your neck is all scarred up, you don’t scent like nothing anymore and that’s all mate sickness. I know it is. The lady doctor told us you weren’t hurt the way we--”

The Alpha’s eyes flickered red in distress, and Peter looked away. “--the way we all thought you’d been, but you were still hurt and it's killing me. I hate thinking about you sitting here alone and-- and sad and I just-- okay you know what? I’m just gonna say it.”

Johnny dug his fingers into his legs in an attempt to ground himself, and blurted, “Pete. I want to bond with you.”

The Omega made a horrified sort of noise that cut deep deep into Johnny’s heart but he ignored the pain and the way Peter jerked away from him as if terrified, and hurried to finish-- “I just mean a platonic bond, Omega. Nothing romantic, nothing like that. I love you and we’ve had great heats in the past so we know we are compatible at least that way and once it was over, once the mating heat passed I wouldn’t ask anything from you, Pete. Nothing. Ever. Not regular, uh, sexy things and not even your other heats if you wanted to work through them alone.”

“Johnny.”

“I’m not asking you to play house Omega with me.” The words tumbled out faster and faster now. “You could move in with me if you wanted cos I’ve got an extra bedroom or you could stay here or move in with May or do whatever you want. The only way to fix this, to keep you from hurting this bad is another bond and Pete, I’d platonic bond with my best friend-- with you-- in a second to save you.”

“Johnny--!”

“No questions asked, Pete.” the Alpha looked like he might be close to breaking down, distress forcing it’s way through his blockers and soaking his scent gray. “You don’t have to tell me anything, or give me anything or owe me anything. You tell me ‘yes’ and we’ll take care of it right now so you can move on past all this. You tell me ‘no’ and I’ll drop it right now and never say it again. I promise. Pete, I promise.”

“No.” The thought of mating with anyone other than his Alpha made Peter’s heart wrench in two. “Johnny, no. I-- I can’t. I can’t.”

Silence in the room, and for a long minute the Omega thought Johnny would get angry and demand an explanation, for a longer minute he thought the Alpha might actually cry, but Johnny didn’t do either of those things.

The Alpha only looked away to gather himself, and then cleared his throat, “Okay. The offer is here if you want it, alright? Any time. I love you, Pete.”

“I love you too.” Barely even a whisper, and Peter tried to smile but it was awful and not enough to fill the void that had so suddenly ripped open between the two friends. “Johnny, I love you. And you’re a good Alpha. But I can’t. I can’t.”

“Okay.” Johnny said again, and got to his feet. “Okay that’s-- I um, I ordered food, alright? It’s already paid for and all you’ll have to do is sign for it. I’m gonna go before I mess things up anymore, so I’ll see you around, yeah? Next time Harry comes or maybe when MJ shows up or maybe when Gwen convinces us all to do something stupid like roller skate or--”

“I’m already bonded, Johnny!” Peter wasn’t really sure why he went ahead and nearly shouted it, but the truth was there now and Johnny froze mid step, expression washing with disbelief. “And it’s not-- it’s not a trauma bond okay? I wasn’t scared or searching for stability after something terrible, I wasn’t coerced into anything, I’m bonded. Mated. And that’s why I can’t-- I can’t with you. I can’t do it.”

“What do you mean it wasn’t a trauma bond?” Johnny didn’t sit back down quite yet, but he didn’t reach for his scarf and coat either. “What else could it be, Pete? I don’t-- I don’t understand.”

“Everyone thinks my Alpha hurt me.” Fury, snapping in Peter’s eyes for a split second. “They keep saying things like forced and Stockholm Syndrome as if my Alpha is capable of doing anything besides taking care of me and loving me and keeping me safe. All my mate ever did was try to keep me safe and I wanted to rip the doctor’s throats out for talking about my Alpha like he was some sort of a monster.”

“...your mate.” This time the Alpha did sit down, eyes wide and wondering. “Pete, are you telling me that while you were gone you found your mate?”

“We scent matched.” It felt so good to tell the truth, so good to finally talk and the admission ran honey warm through Peter’s veins. “My suppressants bled out for some reason--” time travel. “--and I knew him more certainly than I’d ever known anyone or anything before in my life.”

“You scent matched.” Johnny repeated. “I didn’t know that was a real thing anymore.”

“I didn’t either.” the Omega whispered. “But we are soulmates, me and my Alpha. Scent matched and bonded and my mark--” he touched the scars reverently. “I wasn’t with him long enough to have a mating heat but that doesn’t change that we’re bonded. Meant to be together. I’m his and he is--”

It felt like a prayer, like a confession, something sacred and beautiful and meant to be hushed, so Peter lowered his voice even more, “-- he is mine. I’m his and he is mine and it’s so much more than those words, I can’t explain it, Johnny. I can’t explain it.”

“The ring--”

“His. He made it for me.”

“But how did you end up in the hospital? Why were you unconscious for so long? If this was soulmates and true love then where is your Alpha?” Johnny didn’t mean to sound upset, truth be told he was relieved through to his very core that Peter could tell him it was love and not trauma, but he was upset all the same. “Where is your Alpha and why is he letting you suffer like this? It’s been months, Pete! Where is he!”

“...I don’t know how to find him.” And just like that, the smile was gone from Peter’s face, the warmth leeching from his body and leaving him shaking, shivering, eyes gone flat and dull again. “We are mates but somehow we aren't meant to be together so we-- we aren’t. We can’t be together so I’m here and he’s-- he’s out there.”

“Oh, Pete.”

“I’m here and my mate is somewhere out there.” Peter said again, motioning listlessly to the air. “And I don’t know how to find my way back to him. I miss him, Johnny. Every single day. Every single minute. I didn’t know I could grieve like this and still survive, but here I am anyway, whether I want to be or not. Grieving and surviving even if I don’t want to be.”

“Why didn’t you tell anyone?”

“This is the first time I’e been able to say it out loud without breaking down.” the Omega dug his fingers into his hair and tugged at the damp strands. “I dunno if that means I’m healing or-- or if I’m finally numb enough that it doesn’t hurt so bad. Dunno which would be better.”

“Such a sad Omega.” Offer to bond swept aside, misgivings and worry and guilt over his own shortcomings as a friend pushed away, Johnny moved to sit next to the Omega, gathered Peter’s thin frame up into his arms and hugged him close. “Oh such a sad Omega, so so sorry honey. So sorry. Sweet pretty thing, so much sad for such a perfect Omega--”

Peter tried to laugh hearing the Alpha talk that way, but it caught over a sob and turned right into tears and Johnny only held him tighter, crooning into his ear and rumbling quiet comfort into his skin for a long long time.

It wasn’t all the way the truth, Peter had said nothing about time travel and one hundred and four days and mutants, but he could say something about his mate and it felt like maybe the steel bands at his chest loosened enough to let the him breathe a tiny bit.

And later after the food had come and Peter had managed a few bites, the Omega looked up and asked, “You would have platonic bonded with me to save me?”

“In a heartbeat.” Johnny broke an egg roll in half and handed half to Peter. “Still would if you really wanted me to.”

“But you’d be stuck with me.” Peter pointed out. “Couldn’t get a real mate or move on with your life and get married. Even if you wanted to keep hooking up with random people, they’d see the silver mark on your neck and know you’re bonded. No one sleeps with someone who is bonded, you wouldn’t even be able to date anymore.”

“There’s worse things out there than to be bonded to my best friend, Pete.” Johnny leaned over and lay a very sweet, very chaste kiss on the Omega’s lips. “You want me to stay the night tonight? We could watch bad shark movies and if you feel up to it, you could tell me more about your mate.”

“I could handle a bad shark movie.” Peter decided and the, ‘I can’t handle talking more about my mate’ went unspoken between them. “Thank you, Johnny. You’re-- you’re a good Alpha.”

“We’ll figure this out, Pete.” the Alpha tried hard to keep the worry from his tone and from his scent as he offered Peter another bite of rice. “I promise, okay? We’ll figure it out.”

***************

It was easier after talking with Johnny.

Or maybe not easier, because nothing was easier and everything was still miserable but it was… it was less after talking with Johnny. Being able to say that he was mated, that he was bonded and in love with his Alpha was a relief and some days Peter felt like maybe he was edging towards coping.

Out of all his friends, Johnny would be the one not to ask questions, the one to simply accept what he was told and move on from it. Peter didn’t have to try and justify how he’d fallen in love in what everyone thought was two weeks, he didn’t have to explain the nightmares or why it was taking so long to recover. Johnny was relieved just to know and in the days following the Alpha’s platonic proposal, Peter found himself hiding a little less, withdrawing a little less, being numb just a little less now that he knew someone had at least a piece of the truth.

So one day when Mary Jane stopped by with arms full of groceries and that patented, beautiful smile that promised everything would be okay, Peter actually opened the door before she had to use her key and when the pretty Omega quietly suggested they all go out for dinner to celebrate Gwen’s recent promotion, Peter actually agreed.

“Really?” Mary Jane’s green eyes widened in delight. “Pete! She’ll be so happy, oh my gosh! Everyone’s going and we’ll have so much fun, it will be just like old times!”

Nothing would ever be just like old times and MJ didn’t mean anything by it of course, so Peter swallowed back the urge to flinch and run and pasted a focused, cheerful smile on his face as she badgered him into the shower to get clean and fussed through combing his hair back out of his eyes and exclaimed loudly over the state of his clothing before finally settling on something that hung at least somewhat flattering on Peter’s still too thin frame.

It was almost worth the mild panic attack over being out in public to see the way Harry grinned at him and to hear the excited whoop as Gwen flung herself into Peter’s arms and tried to squeeze the life from him. The Alpha was gorgeous tonight, dressed up and glammed out with hair done and jewelry sparkling and smile lit to mega watt as she screeched in excitement about her new job and all the perks and the uptick in her bank account and how happy she was to be celebrating with all her friends.

“Alright?” Johnny pressed close for a long hug and murmured into Peter’s ear, crooning comfortingly when Peter clung a little too tight. “Hard to be out with everyone?”

“Dunno the last time we did this.” Peter’s smile was practiced and forced, his tone purposefully cheerfully and eyes wide to combat the exhaustion sinking in around his nerves. He’d forgone the usual several sleep aids today so he’d be awake and present for Gwen’s big night but after so long dependent on the pills he still felt slow, lethargic, as if the entire world was moving just a half step too fast and he couldn’t quite keep up.

“You need to leave, you let me know.” the Alpha murmured and Peter nodded gratefully before pulling away.

The evening wasn’t all bad. Someone popped the cork on a bottle of champagne and Peter nearly cracked his glass when he jumped, applause and the Happy Birthday chorus from further back in the restaurant abruptly brought to mind the fact that Peter didn’t even know his Alphas birthday and he had to clear his throat several times to get rid of the sorrow that clouded up behind his eyes.

The evening wasn’t all bad, he managed to laugh a few times over Gwen’s hilarity and the champagne ticked not unpleasantly and what little Peter ate tasted expensive going down.

The evening wasn’t all bad.

The worst moment came as Harry finished giving Gwen a toast, glasses raised and smiles bright as he congratulated their friend on her promotion, promised to definitely take advantage of the discounts she was going to get as senior staff and teased the other Alpha about finally moving out of her tiny apartment and into a real place like a real adult--

---the worst moment came just then, when Peter was struggling to stay focused amid all the noise and all the chatter, anxiety doubling up beneath his chest and making it hard to focus, his head swimming with all the sensory input after months of self imposed isolation and drug dulled hours--

--the worst moment came as the Alpha at the table next to them got to his knees and opened a ring box with a flourish, showing off a diamond glinting beneath the festive lights as he professed his love for his Omega in deep tones and flowery phrases, promising to love her forever, promising to cherish her forever, promising infinity if she would be his.

And that was the very worst moment, as the suppressants and blockers bled from Peter’s system abruptly to make way for soul deep grief that burst sour and spoiled into the air, lavender and honeysuckle tinging bright for just a second before it drowned beneath the weighted black of sheer despair and Johnny turned to his side and vomited onto the floor as the scent of hopelessness and fear rolled from the Omega and poisoned the atmosphere in the room.

Gwen gagged and Harry had to turn away as desperate Omega clogged their senses and and fogged their mind and Mary Jane reached out for Peter with a frightened cry but the Omega was already on his feet and running away, stumbling over his feet and knocking into tables and he tried to get outside and away.

The cabbie had seen his fair share of compromised passengers, but tonight he thanked his lucky stars he was a Beta and only partly susceptible to the misery hanging around the half coherent Omega in his back seat. The scent was still potent enough to make him nauseous though, and when they finally made it to the apartment building and the distraught Omega stumbled out, the Beta turned his sign off for a few minutes and lurched from the cab so he could try and breathe again.

The bottle of sleeping pills rattled in Peter’s hands as he tried to open it, the cap tearing off and medication scattering everywhere alongside the pain pills he’d tried to open just a minute before and Peter stared at the mess in horror for a full minute before another wave of sickness hit him hard and he went down to his knees, pushing his forehead into the floor and screaming.

Across town, May grabbed for her phone when it rang with Peter’s number, ignoring the missed calls from Harry, from Gwen, from Johnny and Mary Jane so she could ask, “Peter? Sweetheart are you alright? What’s going on? What’s going on?!”

“I miss my mate.” Peter was sobbing, choking, the words muffled because he couldn’t manage to lift his head long enough to talk clearly. “Auntie, I miss my mate. I miss my Alpha. I want to go home. I want to go home.”

And May slid down the wall to sit on the floor, phone pressed close to her ear and hand over her eyes as she cried right along with her nephew.

I want to go home.

Oh sweetheart, I know. I know.

I’m so so sorry.

So so sorry.

******************

SAY SOMETHING ABOUT THE CHAPTER

Hey! We broke 160k with this chapter which makes MTW officially my second longest single fic after PH! And we aren’t done yet! Holla!

Also, for anyone who wants to know, there is a very specific reason why we are only seeing Peter’s side of the story right now, but once we start seeing Wade’s side of the story, it will all make sense!

******************

@ships-galore @ceealaina @izziebladez @cwar1864 @hausoffro @lookuplaughing @tonystarkisanangel @multishippinglife @girlnic @iam93percentstardust @water-colouredmemories @paranormalmoonlight5 @igotloki @moosette05 @wayward-student-philosopher @kaz-brekkers-gloves @atomicfandombomb @ricecakeandhoney @ardatlily @fawnandgays @bluedreamdino @bibbarnes @blackstar1602 @hi-inevitable-im-deadpool @scientifically-lesbian-jesus @the-pagely-gun-slinger @oshuncheyenne @the-dragonwolf-den @pumpkin-spidey @sozvuchiy @cappunico @tired-dragons01 @chiby-chan @ahumoki0 @kanizsacollage @tulipsnbigcats @hiddenaurora @notchronicle24 @marvels-gurl @iridescent-idiot @badndbourgeoisie @eversomniator @local1dreamer @loveisblindwade @ssssssssssssssssssssslytherin @theunwantedomega

#ncts fics #spideypool #peter parker #wade wilson #time travel au #abo dynamics #soulmate au #gwen stacy #mary jane watson #harry osborn #johnny storm #may parker

122 notes · View notes

readingsbylibramc · 3 years

Text

birth chart reading for @goryglory19

hello! welcome to your reading. I’m gonna give you a quick overview of what I’m going to analyze about your natal chart. feel free to ask me anything if something isn’t clear, of course. you’ll find out your dominants’ influence on your persona, your physical appearance, impression on others and the way you approach the world; your ego, identity, the real you; your reactions, your desires, inner emotions; your way of expressing your feelings, your mind and ideas; your desires and approach to love; your energy tank, instincts and temperament; in-depth analysis of each house with their rulers and analysis of heavy aspects; love life + soulmates/karmic partners interpretation; your relationship with your friends; your family life; your approach to career and work in general + possible jobs suggestion; your style, fashion sense analysis; life purpose and past life description; basic transits’ analysis to describe your current mood and, last but not least, your secret skills, how to make the most out of your soul and manifest what you desire based on your birth chart.

🦋 chart shape, dominants

your chart is a locomotive shape. this means that you're a very ambitious person, with a lot of energy. pluto has a big influence on you, and your life revolves around understanding your feelings, transformation and emotional growth. the empty part of your life is what you have to develop, hence your family, financial life, your self-esteem and also your communication and thinking style.

your dominant planets are the sun, mars and jupiter. you are definitely a very charismatic person, it's easy for you to draw attention to you as you have a strong presence. you probably have a very bubbly personality, but you are also quite competitive and motivated to achieve your goals.

your dominant sign is aries. you may have a reputation for being impulsive and straight-forward. you don't like beating around the bush, especially when people purposely get on your nerves. on the other hand, you're very loyal and generous when it comes to your loved ones. you're very opinionated, and you always wanna make sure that your voice is heard. you're proud of yourself.

your dominant element is fire. you have a warm heart, even though it may be covered by your confidence and independence. in fact, you always strive for the first place. people may be intimidated by your presence, as you're a serious competitor. thanks to this competitive nature of yours you may be very positive and optimistic, making you a good and supportive friend/partner.

🌎 ascendant in leo, 5° / 1st decan ruled by the sun

you’re an extremely confident and bright person, or at least you have a very strong aura around you that makes you look like you are. you have exceptional charisma and presence, in fact this is usually a celebrity placement! you surely don’t go overlooked. you naturally always try your best to make people feel at ease, and you mostly succeed thanks to your warmth, which makes you even more attractive. you probably like being recognized, and you may want to be famous. in fact, you like being in the spotlight and loaded with compliments and appreciation, they incredibly boost your self-confidence. your charisma may sometimes be too noticeable, resulting a bit dramatic; you may gesticulate a lot, imitate voices… basically, you would do amazing at acting, for example. in fact, most celebrities have a leo rising, or leo placements of any sort. you’re very playful, you most likely look younger than you are for your personality. you may also be a savage, and you’re most likely good at jokes of any kind. you appear as a very bubbly and outgoing person, yet you may be quite secretive. you don’t open up easily, especially about family / private matters. especially with your water influence, you’re very picky when it comes to trusting people. in addition, you’re a perfectionist; you care a lot about everything that revolves around you, from physical appearance to your job, you want it all to be perfect. that can cause you a lot of stress, as you always want to seem at your best state, you despise being seen as weak or unprepared. physically, all leos have beautiful hair. you may have curly, perhaps red or dark hair, or at least it’s very thick. you may also get tanned easily, an olive skin tone or any kind of warm undertones to your skin. you may have full, plump lips, or at least they have a defined cupid’s bow. you may also have pretty long eyelashes and big, watery eyes.

leo ascendant square taurus mars: you easily come off as more assertive and arrogant than you actually are. this manifests both in your face and in your words. you could say things impulsively, and sometimes you're too blunt and hurt people's feelings. you don't do it on purpose, though, there's no malice behind your acts; it's just your natural way to express your opinions. on the other hand, you probably have a very strong charisma to you that makes you look very captivating and bold. people see you as a leader, and hence they could get intimidated by your presence. to cope with this placement, you can try controlling yourself and your words before speaking. I'm aware that it's a way to vent your anger, but you can find another way that doesn't hurt others.

🌞 sun in pisces, 28° / 2nd decan ruled by neptune and pluto

this is the most intuitive pisces decan. you understand people’s thoughts just by looking at them, it’s like you’re staring at their souls. in fact, you’re extremely empathetic, you probably find yourself being a psychologist for your friends. or maybe, you’re actually a psychologist. you’re easy-going and you have great social skills; I don’t see you being extremely extroverted, but you don’t mind hanging out with your friends. you’re amazingly creative and imaginative, you have the ability to picture your ideas. this is an amazing talent, in fact most artists have pisces placements. the downside to pisces is that I’ve noticed that, since they know they’re vulnerable, they have the tendency to lie. they don’t do it out of cruelty of course, it’s a sort way to protect their ego. you could want to be seen as bolder than you are, hence you could struggle with identity crisis, especially during your teenage years. you have your own morals and beliefs, but you could feel influenced by others to change yours. luckily, this is something that gets better with time, as you start being more aware of your persona and you start loving yourself. you're most probably a very complex individual; after all, pisces is the most 'confusing' of all the signs. you're a sort of chameleon; you act differently based on where you are and who you're with. you could be a savage with someone, an introvert with someone else. you may even feel as if there's something wrong with your mind, as you just wish you could be like others. you should focus more on pisces' positive traits, though; you're extremely compassionate and considerate. you're emotionally intelligent, and this mutability of yours could make you succeed at many different jobs in your life, as it's very easy for you to adapt to and master new things. if you work hard, you can surely succeed in anything you want.

pisces sun square cancer jupiter: this is a hard aspect, which could make you feel even more proud of yourself due to your fire dominance. you may feel like the universe is constantly against you, especially with your pessimistic pisces sun. you may feel unlucky, or even overindulge in things you like to cope with sadness or anger. you may have the tendency to overeat, buy useless things etc. you go from having a low self-esteem, to even looking very bossy without even realizing it. you struggle to keep your identity balanced, even though you might have not been aware of it at first. to achieve fortune and joy in life, you need to work hard for it. to do so, you have to learn your karmic lessons in this lifetime, which probably revolve around family issue and their impact on your interactions with others.

🌙 moon in taurus, 19° / 2nd decan ruled by venus and mercury

the moon is exalted in taurus, so it's definitely a good placement! you're very peaceful, you try to avoid conflicts when you can. this placement makes you crave stability, whether it's financial, in love etc. you must be very stubborn, as taurus is a fixed sign. this placement, paired with your imaginative leo energy, makes you settle on making your ideas concrete, and it's very beneficial. it makes you capable of achieving any goals in your life. you're also very artsy, and you may fancy particular art styles. you have a good eye for aesthetics, and you care a lot about the looks of your house, body, clothes etc. you have excellent concentration, and that is another thing that helps you achieve your goals and make your ideas concrete. last but not least, you're amazingly patient, and that makes you a great friend. probably, they vent a lot of their worries to you, as you're also a great listener.

taurus moon conjunct taurus mars: you aim for greatness. this is where your strong desire to be the #1 comes from, pretty much. you're very proud of yourself, and you don't like to acknowledge your mistakes. you always want to look like you have your life together, even in certain moments when you feel lost. I would say that this is a sort of self-sabotaging mechanism, as you can literally go as far as forcing a smile if it shows the world that you can stand by yourself. overall, I would say you deal with your emotions in a very 'child-like' way; after all, mars is pretty self-centered. you tend to preserve yourself more, unless someone really special to you is involved. you're also very honest, you speak from your heart. while it's a positive trait, you may be too blunt and ruin your relationships because of that. you're both smart and fast, hence you may get annoyed when people mishear or misunderstand your words.

🗣 mercury in pisces, 10° / 2nd decan ruled by neptune and the moon

you have the potential to be very focused on something thanks to your taurus energy, but your heavy neptune influence may interfer in that. in fact, you probably lose yourself in your own thoughts very often, starting daydreaming instead of doing what you have to do. you’re very creative and artistic, and you’re also able to fully convey your emotions in your words, even though it may be perceived as confusing sometimes. that’s because not everyone is as empathetic as you are. on the other hand, you may have the tendency to lie, or just being confusing in any way. you may not always express what you want crystal clear, as you want to able to modify the story just in case you encounter some hardships. also, you never truly express your feelings, probably out of fear. probably, the way you elaborate your thoughts is also influenced by your family and the impact they had on you. you’re always vague, and you keep your private matters for yourself. pisces is a mutable sign, so you may also find yourself changing ideas often, your mind wanders from one thought to another. you are very intuitive, and you may even have some sort of psychic talent. you could do well at reading tarots, birth charts etc. your voice is probably naturally loud, it's hard not to listen to you. also, since your mercury is squaring pluto, you could be quite impulsive sometimes and say things you actually don't mean. you could argue often with others due to this trait of yours, you get defensive very easily. on the other hand, you most likely have a nice sense of humor at least.

pisces mercury square gemini saturn: this placement gives you limitations and lessons regarding the way you think and talk. it may be that you’re too shy to approach others and to say what you think, so you just don’t try. otherwise, if you actually take action and try to overcome this problem, you could get into trouble. that’s probably caused by the fact that you don’t really pay attention to your words. you’re quite straight-forward, and due to your fire energy you always seem as if you’re up for a fight. you may be particularly pessimistic, or maybe you lack confidence in social interactions due to these problems, which could be possibly caused by your parents, or perhaps interfer in your relationship with your family. in fact, you may argue quite often with others, and misunderstandings are also common. this is something that gets naturally better with time, but in order for it to happen you need to take action. you may for example start speaking with others more at work, anything that allows you to challenge your mind and voice, in order to make you gain experiences and become a master at it. many celebrities, once they mastered this hard aspect, got loads of success. you can do that too, you just need to work on it.

pisces mercury square sagittarius pluto: you may become a bit manipulative. you probably don’t even realize it, though, as you have the ability to make people do what you want them to do. you probably love being right, especially during arguments, and you always manage to be so thanks to your skills. your words are like knives for others, they can truly cut deep through their ego. you’re direct and blunt, as you just say what you have in mind with no filters. you can develop a provocative attitude without even realizing it, which can obviously cause you conflicts. you need to be more careful about how you communicate your ideas, otherwise you could seriously damage other people’s self-esteem. on the other hand, if you acknowledge your flaws and work on them, this can actually turn into diplomacy. take advantage of your interest in your inner self to find out how to be a bit more gentle in choosing your words.

❤️ venus in aries, 13° / 2nd decan ruled by mars and jupiter

with venus in aries, loving you is an adventure. you enjoy fun, exciting relationships. you're the type who's looking for a risktaker, even dangerous partner. you hate boredom, and this may be your weakness regarding this placement; that is, once the relationship starts getting more serious, you feel as if it's going down, when it's actually the opposite. hence, you just run towards a new adventure. this placement may even give you the reputation of being a player, but I don't think it's your case based on your others placements. you have to understand that relationships can get boring, but that's not necessarily a red flag. it just means you two are starting to feel comfortable together. you also enjoy physical contact, therefore cold partners are a no no for you. you need someone who's affectionate yet bold, and that would spoil you with attention and gifts. you enjoy the little things about love, such as remembering your anniversary or even giving you small presents, especially if they're homemade (like breakfast, poems etc.). you also try to avoid flaky people, as you don't like making relationships seem too light.

aries venus square cancer jupiter: you come off as a very positive, happy-go-lucky person. you're extremely friendly, and this makes you be good at social relationships. you may have lots of friends, or at least you have the potential to make many if you opened up and talked to them. yet, while this energy gives you positive vibes, some people may take advantage of that, as you could easily be mistaken for naive. people can try to dominate you unconsciously (sometimes even on purpose) not only in relationships but even in friendships. aside from that, I don't think this placement causes you many problems. you may have the tendency to procrastinate and not work. you could be quite lazy and get easily distracted, as you're constantly with your head in the cloud. yet, thanks to your taurus energy, you still manage to find some motivation to do your work.

💥 mars in taurus, 12° / 2nd decan ruled by venus and mercury

with taurus mars, you may actually despise working too much. you love challenging your mind, but you're kind of lazy. you'd rather stimulate yourself through your hobbies and interests rather than using school / work, which are quite stressful for you. you need to find something material and concrete to motivate you and make you assertive. you could study just because you need a good grade, or maybe work just to get paid. you don't really do it with interest, as you care more about nurturing your passions than responsibilities. you're not really into conflicts; you'd rather be peaceful with everyone, as you find it a waste time to argue with someone. most taurus mars tend to be quite passive, yet I don't think it's your case. I imagine that with your heavy aries and leo energy, you've got a hot temper. you may try to avoid conflicts, but once someone gets on your nerves it's over for them. you're very unpredictable from this point of view, it's hard to decipher you. you may be more verbally aggressive than physically, though.

🏡 houses

your 1st house is in leo. with this placement, you care a lot about your persona, both physically and also mentally too. yet, you may start feeling like you need to be perfect at all costs to be accepted, especially during your early years. for example, you may be the type to follow fashion trends to look cool, and you may subconsciously force yourself to like them. you need to understand that you should enhance your individuality, and ask yourself who you are. it’s not all about who you are outside, the inside matters even more. you’re free to stand out, but make sure that you do it in a comfortable way for you, or it will start becoming toxic as time goes by.

your 2nd house is in leo. your self-esteem depends on matters like money, possessions, as well as your influence on others. you may feel confident when you’re praised and spoiled with compliments and material things, you may enjoy being in the spotlight as it increases your self-confidence, even though you’re quite shy so you don’t feel very at ease. you feel confident when you’re able to earn money and you’re financially stable, and hence you probably felt guilty as a child to ask your parents for money for example. you probably love luxury, you aspire to become very wealthy, live in the house of your dreams, etc. you could also dream of becoming famous. and actually, with this placement, you could make money from leo-related matters, and hence being in the spotlight, creativity (especially theatre / drama), comedy, etc.

your 3rd house is in virgo. you’re very precise and polite in the way you express your thoughts. you’re probably very careful to grammar, vocabulary etc… you love looking and being knowledgeable. you’re more of a logical type rather than an intuitive person, you hardly ever do something only out of curiosity. you’re very cautious about the decisions you make, and hence it could take you some time to finally choose something, but that’s because you just don’t want to regret anything. you think deeply about your choices, and most of the time they turn out to be right. you’re strongly opinionated, but you may be a bit too harsh when you express your ideas. sometimes you could even hurt someone, as you’re extremely honest. you don’t like sugar-coating your words. you’re also very intelligent and hard-working, and you can’t stand messy things. you’re probably very neat, you like having schedules and you may even keep an agenda / diary where you keep track of your appointments and other things you have to do.

your 4th house is in libra. your physical home was probably very pleasant and beautiful; you may have a conventionally beautiful family, or at least they’re particularly attractive and charming. your house may also be very well-designed and elegant, doesn’t matter how big it is. you probably see your parents as ideal, they are your role models and you look up to them. perhaps, it could be that you felt misunderstood, maybe your parents were a bit materialistic or lacked empathy, but overall you had a great childhood, you have a good relationship with your parents and siblings if you have them. it could also be that you dated lots of people when you were a teen, or at least you had lots of friends. you certainly have lovely memories of your early years, and your parents most likely have a good relationship too.

your 5th house is in scorpio, with also your pluto being here. your hobbies most likely include self-expression of any kind, anything that you consider private is told through your creativity. also, with scorpio in this house, you may as well be attracted to darker hobbies like astrology, tarots… possibly, you may be into thriller or even into horror. you may also like psychology, criminology… this type of things that are able to stimulate your mind in some way. you could possibly want to be a risk-taker, deep down. also, you want to become a master in what you like, and hence you tend to go extreme to become perfect. you may dedicate a lot of your spare time to your hobbies, for example, even if you have to work. your romantic relationships may be very intense, you could attract particularly jealous or even obsessive partners in your life. some of them may be painful, but they’ll be essential to become mature and grow up into a better, wiser person. in addition, I see you as the type of person who doesn’t like showing off their partner. you probably keep both your love interests and hobbies personal, you only talk a little about them to your close, trusted friends, especially with your pluto in this house that makes this energy even stronger.

your 6th house is in capricorn. usually, people with a capricorn 6th house are very responsible and work-oriented. they generally don’t leave much space to fun and amusement. you have a strong sense of duty, but thanks to your pisces influence you don’t overwork yourself. you’re able to find balance between work and hobbies, and that’s obviously great. yet, you may sometimes procrastinate in your day-to-day life. that can possibly cause you issues in your career; you may be indecisive about your future path for example, or you could even not be much precise in your work.

your 7th house is in aquarius, with also your neptune conjunct the descendant. you do like the idea of marriage and love, yet you need your space as well. you don’t want to feel committed in a relationship, it would be suffocating for you. that could make you appear as emotionally cold or detached, when you’re really not. you just care a lot about your personal growth, especially after your turbulent childhood. perhaps, you could even attract mentally unstable partners, they could be a bit moody for example. you may meet your future spouse in an unexpected situation, or perhaps you could meet them online through social media or a dating app. neptune is also here: you’re hopelessly romantic, to the point that you almost look naive. you’re not simply looking for a partner or spouse, you’re looking for a soulmate; someone you can literally communicate with just using your eyes, someone that knows how to make you feel even messier on the inside. you like to nurture and feel nurtured in a relationship. your ideal lover would be sensitive and empathetic, yet still with a sort of rebel vibe to them. this placement is indeed very lovely, but it has its downsides too, of course. the problem is, neptune makes you idealize your crushes/partners way too much, to the point that you create an image of someone in your head that turns out to be the opposite at the end. you ignore your partner’s flaws, as they seem perfect to you. neptune also attracts 'broken’ persons, so you may be prone to find yourself people with any kind of illness or addiction. you also have the tendency to fall for people who may hurt you because they’re unavailable, either physically or emotionally. you could possibly also crush on celebrities, movie characters etc. that’s because you’re more the type to fall in love with love, rather than with the actual person.

your 8th house is in aquarius, with also your mercury and uranus placed there. you could possibly have an unexpected yet barely painful death, or perhaps someone in your life has died / will die all of a sudden, you may often experience scenarios of this kind. possibly, you could even die due to electricity, and or at least it will be a very fast death, I don’t see it being violent or turbulent at all. or maybe, you’re surrounded by unpredictable events of loss of any kind in your life. that is, it could also happen with your money. it’s important not to risk too much with this placement, especially with gambling, or you may end up getting in serious problems. you’re fascinated by the occult, and you may even be/been able to talk to dead people. you’re very intuitive, and it’s easy for you to read through people’s words. you may as well have prophetic dreams. you're extremely blunt and straight-forward, you may actually hurt people with your words. you probably lack diplomacy, and you're very realistic. the thing is, you speak the truth, but not everyone can accept it. you speak fluent sarcasm, and that could annoy people who don't understand your sense of humor. you're probably good at lying, and even manipulating people. you may often make others change their mind just with your own words, but be careful not to use this skill to hurt others, or you'll only experience a sense of guilt and overall the bad sides of it. on the other hand, you're an extremely captivating speaker, you'd be successful at anything that involves the use of words and voice. you're truly intuitive, and it's easy for you to understand when someone is being honest or is lying to you. last but not least, you're very secretive as well. you're probably the type to know everything and anything about others, while you remain a mystery.

your 9th house is in pisces, with also your venus and the sun sitting there. this is definitely a nice placement! the result is that you’re probably extremely open-minded and imaginative. you hardly ever have have prejudices, you don’t judge a book by its cover. you’re extremely opinionated, and combined with your virgo 3rd house you’re constantly looking for the truth. you hate it when people say something wrong for example, you can’t help but correct them. you could also be religious and believe in a god. philosophy, literature and poetry are also a part of your many interests. in addition, you’re most likely also into foreign languages and cultures. you could travel a lot, or perhaps with your pisces in the house cusp you like travelling with your mind. you probably literally create stories in your head, you’re extremely imaginative. a good advice would be not to waste this talent of yours; you could actually make your fantasies concrete and express them through creative outlets: books, drawings, songs, choreographies… basically, it would be a waste to only keep them for you. you may also learn about more creative topics rather than school subjects. you may be the type that likes making new experiences regarding love, and you often date your crushes. yet, you feel too limited in a relationship. you don't enjoy committing to someone if that someone isn't perfect for you, you're only completely loyal to the one you consider your true love. you can't give up your freedom, your thirst for adventure and experiences for someone else. basically, your ideal partner would be a risk-taker, someone loyal but not too clingy, that is down to go on a road trip in every moment. someone impulsive, that could help you stepping out of your comfort-zone. you may also find yourself being attracted to unavailable people; that is, you could fall for people that are already taken, or maybe they're physically unavailable, e.g they live abroad or in another city in general.

your 10th house is in aries, with also your moon and mars conjunction placed here. with your 10th house cusp in the energetic sign of aries, you need a career that allows you to be independent, you probably prefer working alone than in groups. or perhaps, you actually aspire to become a boss, a ceo, someone people look up to, and if you work hard you may actually become an influential person in your work place / field. you aspire to be successful and you want to be wealthy thanks to yourself only, and you may actually develop some good luck in your career life. your future job may also require something related to physical action, and hence you may have to move a lot for your job, perhaps you may pursue acting to include something creative that also requires you to move. the sun here also makes you gain a reputation for being responsible and mature, you have a strong charisma and you probably seem very put-together to others. the moon here also points out that you'll feel emotionally connected to your job, you're a very hard-working person and you'll invest most of your efforts in your career.

your 11th house is in taurus, saturn is also placed in this house. you could possibly attract people with taurus traits, and hence your friends could be quite stubborn and possessive, but also very loyal and responsible. they could possibly be wealthy, and they could have some artistic, creative interest and / or talent just like you. you may have some trust issues, you’re careful about who you trust, and hence you’re quite cautious about who you befriend. your long-term goals include financial stability, you may be quite materialistic as you enjoy wealth. yet, I assume that thanks to your water placements you’re not as work-focused as other earth placements, you actually also value emotions and feelings too. I feel like you probably have very big goals and dreams that you want to come true. yet, it may take you a while to achieve them. with your heavy saturn and 10th house placements in your chart, you're probably have to work harder than others to get what you want, but you can be sure that once you put in the effort, the universe is going to repay you double.

your 12th house is in cancer, with also jupiter placed here. you’re an extremely spiritual and intuitive person. you may be attracted to dreams, religion, astrology, spirituality… anything that can wake you up, spiritually speaking. you may also be particularly talented at reading birth charts, tarots, even talking to spirits. you may have prophetic dreams, or you could even have deja-vus. the 12th house is also the house of fears, so having cancer here indicates that you may be afraid of your childhood, emotions, past memories. perhaps, even of your home environment or directly of your parents. it’s a part of your life that you’d rather keep secret. you may also have some escapism tendencies, such as oversleeping, overeating… or perhaps, you could easily develop addictions, so be careful to that, as you’re particularly sensitive to drugs, alcohol etc.

❤️ love life, soulmates

in love you attract capricorn, leo, virgo, scorpio and pisces placements and/or traits. your future spouse will most likely have leo and virgo traits or placements, maybe a leo-virgo cusp. they’ll be very similiar to you: secretive and hard-working, but also with a warm, loyal heart and a hidden insecurity to them. you may meet them at work, or perhaps even abroad. perhaps they could be foreign, or maybe you're going to meet them on vacation. your children will most likely have strong scorpio traits: they’ll be very smart and intense, but also very sensitive deep down. also, they’ll be extremely intelligent and more mature as time goes by. they’ll also have a tender side to them, but that is often overshadowed by their seriousness.

👶🏻 family life

your father is a very fiery, impulsive person, with a short-temper. he could have even been quite violent with you during your childhood, and he might have a bit of a childish behaviour, even though I don't really think it's your case thanks to your libra ic. deep down, he’s actually kind of insecure with his role as a father, but he may hate to admit it. he may have aries, cancer, libra or scorpio placements in his chart. your mother, on the other hand, is slightly more submissive. she’s mostly a peaceful and emotional person, even though she most probably has a passive-aggressive behaviour. she could be conventionally beautiful, or at least she likes taking care of herself. she may have libra or taurus placements in her chart, as well as pisces and capricorn. if you have siblings, they’re probably very peaceful and intelligent. they may also be very kind, as well as organized. their rooms probably look immaculate. they could have virgo or gemini placements in their charts.

📊 career

you’re a very ambitious person, and hence I don’t see you being the type to scrap projects. especially with your aries midheaven, you’re motivated to complete your works in order to show that you’re able to succeed, you want to be the best in what you do. I can also see you being a good therapist, psychologist, possibly even a doctor of any kind, even though I’d avoid practical and boring jobs if I were in you. your strong venus energy struggles to be cold-minded at times, and hence working in a stressful environment could be dangerous for you and for your mental health, as you may absorb others’ negativity and stress. actually, I feel like the most suited career for you would be something that allows you to be in charge, to be your own boss as you know what’s best for you. you may also do well with a creative career; you may become a writer, a dancer, a singer, a stylist, a model, an actress... anything that isn't too practical could be good to you, and if it allows you to express your creativity it's even better.

👚 fashion sense, style analysis

you probably love clothes that can show and enhance your body. you may love wearing crop tops, skirts, bralettes, shorts... anything that leaves a part of your body uncovered, yet that still looks elegant and classy. you could also enjoy baggy clothes, paired with fancy accessories and heels. for colors, you go from wearing bold colours like red, burgundy and neon, to darker shades like black, dark blue etc. you probably also love neutral shades, like kaki, beige and so on.

👁 past life, life purpose

in your past life time, you didn’t have a specific priority. you just enjoyed wandering with your mind and creativity, allowing yourself to relax with your friends. you used to depend on someone else, not really on yourself. this lifetime, you need to establish your independence AND solid boundaries, not just those you used to daydream about. don’t be afraid to let your inner child out; go to amusement parks, binge-watch netflix, date your crushes, have an hobby, play videogames… you could also play with actual children. anything that brings fun out of you, and that puts a genuine smile on your face. yet, don’t forget that this lifetime of yours revolves around accomplishing your goals.

🤔 major transits analysis / september 4

transit leo moon is currently in your 1st house conjunct your ascendant. you could be feeling particularly needy of affection in these days. you want to be around your loved ones but you're also particularly sensitive, therefore you could get angry easily and overall you're more impulsive, so beware of possible conflicts with others.

🧿 manifest what you want, secret skills

the best way for you to manifest is idealizing and acting at the same time. you have both energies combined in your chart, which is great actually! I’d suggest you to first picture what you want in your life, and then do something concrete to manifest it. for example, let’s suppose you want this gucci bag; first, think about it deeply. then, you could try going into a gucci shop and just walk around, maybe even touch that bag. you’ll get results if you believe it! it’s also great to write and read/listen your own positive affirmations, such as 'I love my gucci bag’, 'the gucci bag my mom gave me is amazing’ and so on.

this is the end! thank you again for booking a reading, hope it resonated with you :)

- libramc xx

#astrology

1 note · View note