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#but i know that they’ve made comments about fat people specifically fat women
femmefoxman · 3 years
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I’ve been thinking a lot about body positivity and self-image and how to deal with that as a trans man.
This is a long post. The rest is under a read more because of this. It’s a bit rambling too. I’m just working through my thoughts.
CW: surgery mention, abuse mention, unhealthy eating/thoughts about eating mention, lots of discussion of social beauty ideals and how people are treated poorly for not meeting them. Nothing graphic though.
The pressure to transition into an ‘ideal man’
So - in September I had top surgery. It was definitely the right decision and (combined with starting testosterone in July 2019) it’s had a huge positive impact on my mental health. I look at myself in the mirror and finally see myself looking back. I feel like life is full of possibility at the moment. It’s pretty great honestly.
Here’s the thing - I’m chubby - I was in an abusive family situation for a while and ended up with some food issues which resulted in me losing a fair bit of weight and then putting a bunch back on.
Because I’m a bigger guy I’ve got dog-ears (excess skin and fat) at the ends of my top surgery scars. I feel mostly okay about them and am not planning to get a surgical revision. But I feel weirdly guilty about being okay with them.
I feel like there’s this pressure and expectation that if I want to look like a man (and I do because that’s what I am) then I should look like society’s ideal of a man. People seem to think I should want to be thin and muscular and to have a sharp jawline and just the right amount of body hair.
But to be honest I don’t want that. And I feel guilty about not wanting that.
I have a lot of conflicting feelings about this - on one hand, I have this feeling that I’m doing something wrong or wasting my transition somehow? Logically I know those thoughts aren’t mine - I know that this external pressure I’ve experienced has put these thoughts into my head. But the idea has bedded itself surprisingly deep into my brain so I haven’t been able to get rid of the nagging voice going ‘you’re doing it wrong’.
On the other hand, I’m pretty repulsed by this expectation that I should conform even more strictly to societal beauty standards because I’m trans. I shouldn’t have to thin, I shouldn’t have to work out unless I feel like it, I shouldn’t have to try and look cis. I want to look like a man yes. But I want to look like a queer trans man because that’s what I am and if I look like a cis dude then I’ll start seeing a stranger when I look in the mirror again.
It doesn’t help that the pressure to conform isn’t just interpersonal but structural - for example, trans people often have to be below a certain BMI to access surgery on the NHS and even in some private hospitals. Because of this, every time I’ve had to interact with the clinic that prescribes my hormones they’ve made some pretty yikes remarks about my weight.
I still remember, in our first meeting, how the person assessing me commented that if I could lose some weight then I’d be very handsome due to being fairly tall and broad-shouldered for a trans guy. It made me feel like they saw me as an object that could be shaped and moulded into whatever they wanted - into a symbol of their mastery over medicine.
It was dehumanising as hell.
Femininity, fatness and autism
Being overweight and a man who is slowly starting to present in a more authentically femme manner is interesting.
It makes me feel like some kind of horrible pervert a lot of the time.
I think we’ve got this image of a fat, effeminate, creepy dude so embedded in our collective consciousness that it’s poisoning my self-image a little. It doesn’t help that this collective caricature has a lot of autistic traits and well - I’m autistic.
It sucks because I try very hard to be respectful and non-creepy. I don’t think other people perceive me that way, from what I can tell.
But my brain keeps insisting that if I wore a dress or lipstick or high heels then I’ll transform into some Silence of the Lambs-type figure.
So I’ve been restricting myself to just painting my nails and wearing necklaces sometimes.
But I don’t want to do that any more. I want to be myself as hard and joyfully and authentically as I can all of the time. I feel like I’ve spent so long repressing myself - first because I was in the closet about being queer and trans and then because I was trying my hardest to pass due to not being about to handle social and physical dysphoria at the same time.
I guess it’s something I need to work through... but I’m not going to give up and hide away again. I won’t do that.
Transandrophobia
The other thing I’ve been thinking a lot about is how the sex characteristics primarily associated with men - for example, facial and body hair - are seen in a negative light. Largely in social justice spaces and communities but in the wider world to some extent also.
In social justice spaces, there is a lot of fear and dislike of maleness and masculinity. I can understand why but it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with as a man who is marginalised due to his gender. I don’t feel very safe or comfortable outside of these spaces but it’s often a pretty tough experience to exist in them too.
This dislike of male things extends to physical traits that are seen as male also. Even in supposedly trans-inclusive spaces, I’ve seen this vocal repulsion to things like body hair and facial hair. Disgust towards traits like this is harmful to pretty much everyone who doesn’t fit cis, perisex, white beauty standards.
People who express this disgust in trans inclusive spaces often seem to think that their words will only hurt white, straight, able-bodied, perisex cis men and that it’s therefore fine.
However, I don’t think it’s okay to talk about cis guy’s bodies like that - for one because it’s just a mean thing to do and for two because even if you want to go out of your way to hurt cis men’s feelings then there’s still no way for you to prevent unintended collateral damage if you say horrible things about someone else’s body in a public place.
So if it’s wrong to make comments like that towards relatively privileged people then it’s very, very wrong to say such things about the bodies of trans people, intersex people and people of colour.
Another factor that harms trans men and other transmasculine people specifically is how people tend to react towards our bodies at varying times during medical transitioning. People (especially cis women) tend to react very positively towards us having feminine physical features - being soft and hairless and pretty-looking. Then we receive backlash if we choose to transition - we run into this idea that we’re “ruining” our “precious, sacred, feminine bodies”.
This nasty, entitled rhetoric tends to crop up strongest among TERFs but I’ve come across less explicit, less obviously transphobic variations in trans inclusive communities also.
This demonisation of “male” traits messed with my head when my hormones started to take effect. I was really happy to feel my dysphoria decreasing but at the same time, I had to come to terms with looking well, ugly. At least - ugly according to the spaces and communities I am a part of.
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pointnumbersixteen · 3 years
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A Few Thoughts on the Ghosts’ Christmas Special
I’m going to start with the things I really liked, because that’s always best.
1) In the Bleak Midwinter. Beautiful. I’d love to have a Ghosts’ musical. I don’t care how much they’d have to stretch to pull it off. But since that’s unlikely, all of them singing a Christmas carol together was a nice gift to help sate that desire. Did I mentioned it was beautiful? Some of the cast can really sing... the rest of them can at least fit nicely into a chorus. And the way it fit into the episode, with the Ghosts satisfying Alison’s Christmas wish after she did her best to satisfy all of theirs, that was wonderful. All of my subsequent rewatches have been for that part. And ‘twist-it.’
2) I enjoyed the bits with Fanny and the Christmas tree. I don’t know why, but that was one of my favorite subplots. Maybe because I really love Christmas trees. And Fanny remained tolerable throughout, which is hard for Fanny.
3) I enjoyed Pat and Cap’s reaction to the handsome men comment, straightening their ties and looking proud of themselves. It was very adorable. And how Pat and Cap spent most of the episode together. 
4) Mary’s interactions with the baby were interesting and added something both to her character and to the world-building of the show (babies can sometimes see ghosts) which could pay off later in the show if Mike and Alison ever have a child or something like that. 
5) Julian’s daughter became a Green party MP. That’s perfect. 
And the things I didn’t like... (because, unpopular opinion, overall I was kind of disappointed with the episode?) These are largely subjective, but hey, most entertainment reactions are. 
1) Mike’s family was kind of awful. They didn’t treat him with any respect whatsoever. Particularly his sisters. Like, y’all are all in your late twenties/early thirties. He’s hosting y’all, trying to give you a really nice Christmas. And your reaction to this is to intentionally try to make him miserable and angry so he’ll have a meltdown on Christmas day that you can record and laugh at him about later? That’s not a fun sibling dynamic. That’s super immature and toxic and if my sister or I tried doing stuff like that to each other, we’d probably just stop speaking to each other. I certainly wouldn’t invite her over for Christmas.
2) I didn’t like how Kitty sided with Mike’s sisters, with the oh, yeah, Mike’s so stupid bits. I get how she’s lonely and bandwagons with whatever young women are in the house, and yeah, Mike isn’t the brightest bulb out there... but neither is Kitty, for that matter, so maybe show a little loyalty to the guy you live with and who does his best to accommodate you and your ghosty friends even though he can’t see y’all? 
3) Where is Alison’s family? It would have taken one line to establish that they are dead, estranged, vacationing in Bermuda, what have you. It’s not like they have to go into all of the details, if they want to make that a focus of a later episode... even if they want to leave it a mystery, they could have mentioned something like, ‘oh, I wish my family could have been here’ or ‘oh, I wish I had any sort of relationship at all with my family.’ Not mentioning it at all just left me with a giant question mark and seems needlessly coy. It’s not like they trimmed all the fat for run time, because they certainly didn’t, so ‘wasn’t relevant enough to make the cut’ can’t be the explanation. 
4) A lot of the characters’ subplots were EXACTLY what I would have predicted them to be. Thomas spending most of the episode pining for a kiss under the mistletoe from Alison? If I had to put money on a prediction beforehand, that would have been it. Robin ranting that Christmas is a crock? Same. Kitty following various people around the house like a puppy while tossing hints that her sister is horrible? Well, that’s basically what she does in most of the episodes. Pat’s Christmas recollections of the eighties being exactly what mine were in the nineties... the kids playing board games (later video games) while the adults drink until someone inevitably squabbles? Of course they were. And on the one hand, it speaks to consistent characterization... but on the other hand, doing the most predictable thing possible with half the characters is kind of... boring. Like, I’m sure they could have kept the characters in-character while coming up with something a bit more surprising for at least ONE of them. It would have been nice.
5) Once again, Humphrey is underutilized. I enjoy Humphrey as a character, so I find the episodes where Humphrey is just a prop to be a bit frustrating and his entire experience in this episode was being used as a baby mobile for a few seconds. 
6) And once again, we get no new information on the Captain. And after thirteen episodes, it’s becoming less mysterious and more frustrating. Half the fun of mysteries is being provided hints and tidbits to see if your guesses are going to pan out and so it’d be great if they could get on with that. I know they’ve said in interviews they want to set the tone before getting into some of the deeper stuff, but... the tone’s set, guys. You’ve had two full seasons. Get to it.  
7) I didn’t find making Julian’s plot the emotional payoff of the episode very satisfying. He spent his daughter’s entire life avoiding her at Christmas and listening to a baby cry for like 24 hours 30 years after he died suddenly made him rethink his life choices? It just didn’t feel very believable for him to have the Ebeneezer Scrooge Christmas change-of-heart just from that. That it made him curious about what happened to his daughter? Sure. That it suddenly enlightened him to the true meaning of Christmas? That seemed OOC to me. This is Mr. Balls-to-Animals we’re talking about.
8) If, alternatively, you see Mike’s conversation with his dad about how eventually he and his mom aren’t going to be able to do the things they do on Christmas as the emotional payoff, that works a bit better narratively, but I found it incredibly depressing to be reminded that eventually my parents are going to die in the Christmas episode of my emotional-comfort show, particularly since we all spent Christmas sick with covid (thankfully, after a few scary days, it looks like we’ll all probably recover, but still, that was not what I needed this year... and I know they wrote this episode before covid became a thing, but still, Boxing Day when my dad was trying to tell me how his blood sugar had shot above 300 but he couldn’t get a single full word out without coughing ranks as one of the scariest days of my life and trying to re-watch the Christmas special afterwards for comfort to be hit by the reminder that this could be our last Christmas together hurt. I know, again, that’s very specific to my situation, but there it is.). 
Anyway, I’ll probably add more stuff as I think about it more, but these are the things that stuck out to me after three watches. 
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uncloseted · 3 years
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https://youtu.be/kJcpTSNWXdQ
https://youtu.be/yIZ8zUOXh2g
Can you watch these when you have the time? Im curious about your opinion on this because I think youre really smart and these are some topics rhats been on my mind lately! Thnk you so much ❤️❤️
Okay, so there’s a lot here.  I feel like I should admit upfront that I dislike Joe Rogan.  I won’t really dig into why because you didn’t ask for that, but I will say that if you want to listen to someone wax philosophical, I feel like it should be someone who was actually a philosopher (like Contrapoints or PhilosophyTube) instead of UFC commentator and former host of Fear Factor, Joe Rogan.  Anyway, let’s dig into these videos…. 
The first one is called “Unattainable Beauty Standard Outrage” and it’s with stand-up comedian Bill Burr.  Frankly, I find it to be frustrating because they’re both average looking white men complaining about an issue that they’re really not subject to in any meaningful way.  Throughout this video, they conflate a lot of different issues-  the beauty standards average men and women are held to, the (edited) beauty standards present in advertisements, and the physical requirements actors and actresses are held to are all the same in this conversation.  They make them seem like it’s all the same when in reality that’s just…. three different conversations completely.  I think that’s a result of the fact that they’re just kind of talking, not making an argument or even really trying to get to a point.
Let’s start out with what they’re saying about the beauty standards that average people are held to.  Basically, their point is that if you cared about how you looked, you can compensate for it in other ways. The point here boils down to “ugly people won’t take the time to develop a personality like the rest of us, and they’re mad that they get treated differently.”  But the reality is that you can have a great personality, but discrimination based on physical appearance will still exist.  Similar to how discrimination based on sexuality isn’t cancelled out by white privilege or discrimination based on race isn’t cancelled out by being male, discrimination based on appearance isn’t cancelled out by having a winning personality.  Ugly people earn less than their attractive counterparts, on average have fewer friends, worse social skills, and less active sex lives, and are seen as less moral, trustworthy, and competent.  Women have it even worse; while men are able to compensate for their looks somewhat (and there are more “acceptable” looks that a man can have) through factors like wealth, social capital, and personality, women are taught from a young age that being attractive is the most important thing that they can be.  Because of that, women suffer more from looks-based discrimination than men do and are more impacted every time the standard for female beauty gets raised.
Moving on, they start complaining that the UK is banning advertisements that feature impossible standards of beauty.  To my knowledge, it’s actually only the London underground that did this, and I believe it specifically concerned advertisements that are digitally altered but selling a beauty product (correct me if I’m wrong here).  Specifically in this episode, they’re talking about products that promise you a “summer body” with a digitally altered image of a bikini model.   It’s false advertising when you show an edited model who supposedly got their body by using your product- and that should be illegal.  False advertising is illegal in lots of other realms.  You’re not allowed to claim that your dietary supplement will cure cancer, and you shouldn’t be able to claim that your “summer body” product will make you look like a digitally altered model.  Joe and Bill comment that people are being overly sensitive, and that these advertisements just make them “want to go to the gym”, but that misses the point completely.  Even if you went to the gym, there’s still tens of thousands of dollars of cosmetic surgeries and digital alterations that went into making that model look like that.  It’s not about work.  Those bodies aren’t achievable with work- the models themselves, who work out for hours a day and follow very strict diets, don’t look like that in real life either.  Pretending that those images are achievable through “hard work” is actually really damaging.  It can lead to people engaging in dangerous diets and exercise regimens, taking untested supplements, and feeling that their lack of results is a moral failing because they’re not “working hard enough” (which decreases self esteem).
Then they start talking about actors and actresses who are asked to lose weight for movies, and one actress in particular who publicly complained that she was asked to lose 15 pounds for a role.  Their takeaway is that the actress who complained is being lazy, that she was hired to be hot, and that she’s being ungrateful for the opportunity.  A quick fact check suggests that the person they’re talking about is Jennifer Lawrence, who said she “was told by producers of a film to lose 15 pounds in two weeks."  That’s a very different story to the one that they’re telling.  To lose 15 pounds in two weeks, 5′9, 140 pound Jennifer Lawrence would have had to burn 52,500 calories.  Even if she ate absolutely nothing and worked out at the level of an Olympic athlete 7 days a week, she would still have only burned 39,354 calories in two weeks.  That’s still 3.75 pounds short of 15 pounds of weight loss.  It was literally an impossible ask.  Upon telling the producer that she thought the weight loss demands were not appropriate, “he said he didn’t know why everyone thought I was so fat, he thought I was ‘perfectly fuckable.'”  And so to paint it as Jennifer Lawrence being lazy is a bit disingenuous.  But I’m willing to accept that maybe they just didn’t have that context, because it seems like their goal wasn’t actually to have a discussion based in research or argumentation- it’s to make the point that people are overly sensitive now and asking the world to cater to them.
Closing this conversation out, I don’t think it’s wrong for studios to ask actors to change their appearance for a role.  A big part of why people get cast for particular roles is their appearance, and as an actor, you have to be willing to adapt your appearance for the role. Just like you may be asked to dye your hair or wear colored contacts, I don’t think it’s necessarily wrong to ask an actor to gain or lose weight for a role (especially since both men and women are asked to do that, and the studio provides them with the support to be able to do that safely).  Those bodies are achievable with work, and I don’t think it’s wrong to show those.  But I think there’s a larger conversation to be had about who’s being asked to change their weight and why.  Christian Bale lost 62 pounds for The Machinist because his character was supposed to be emaciated from his insomnia.  The studio didn’t ask Bale to do that.  He made the decision to do it on his own, even though it made sense for his character to be that thin.  By contrast, Jennifer Lawrence was asked by the studio to lose 15 pounds to... what?  Look hotter in the movie?  Almost every female actress is expected to look a certain way in order to even be considered for a role, whereas men can be fat, mediocre looking, older, balding, and still be cast.  Even when a woman is playing a role where being hot isn’t part of the narrative at all, she’s still expected to be hot.  Even when you’re playing a character that’s “let themself go” or has “hit rock bottom”, the actress needs to look hot. ��For men, there’s not that same requirement.  Having hot girls in your movie absolutely do get more people to see it, sure, but the cost is that you’re reinforcing the idea that women must be, above else, hot all the time.
So that’s that.  Let’s move on to the second video,  “No, It's Not "All Men"”, featuring comedian Iliza Shlesinger.  I should say that I like Iliza quite a bit and I’ve seen her perform, so I’m curious to see where this goes.  It’s also important to note they’ve been smoking weed, which... provides some context to this episode, I think.
So again, they start by bitching about this “beach body ready” ad that got “pulled in the UK” (actually just from the London underground) that Joe is so up in arms about.  This time he shows the ad, and it turns out that it was pulled due to “concerns about a range of health and weight loss claims made in the ad”.  The concern is false advertising.  So again, to paint it as, “ugly women are too sensitive because some women are actually beautiful” is disingenuous, and serving the narrative that “people these days are too sensitive”.  They’re also making the assumption that this ad hasn’t been digitally altered, which I find difficult to believe.  
Iliza goes on to talk about how her boobs are real and some people ask her if they’re fake, and she doesn’t like that, and how women shouldn’t judge other women to their faces about how fake they perceive them to be.  I think that’s a fine claim to make on an interpersonal level, but I also think that if we don’t start acknowledging all of the manipulation and work that goes into appearing “effortlessly beautiful”, we’re going to fall deeper into this beauty standard arms race.  Iliza kind of gets a pass on this because she openly admits to having a “fake nose”.  Then she makes a good point about how women will be hated no matter what they do, and so it’s important to remember that when someone doesn’t like you, it typically has more to do with them than it does with you.  She also says that when you don’t like someone, it’s important to do some introspection to figure out where that’s coming from, which is also great advice.  Then they wander into talking about how feminism doesn’t mean that you like women more than men or that you’re asking for special treatment, just that you support the idea of equality, and that’s fine. Joe rogan praises Iliza for being “a feminist, but not annoying”, which is gross.
Iliza then says that feminists who say, “all men” are part of the problem, and I think she’s just missing the point.  When feminists say, “yes, all men”, what they mean is that all men are benefiting from male privilege, regardless of the actions that they’re taking (or not) to better that situation.  People in positions of privilege have to acknowledge that privilege in order to be able to better the situation, and by separating yourself out as “not one of those men”, you’re saying “it’s not my problem because I’m one of the good ones, so I don’t have to think about myself critically or alter my behavior in any way.”  That said, I think Iliza is right that that stance can be taken too far and serve to alienate the men who are allies in the feminist fight for equality.  
Then, Iliza equates the phrases “all men are bad” and “all women are sluts”.  I think this is a bad take; “all men are bad” is a generalization made by a marginalized group about a powerful group that they’ve been victimized by.  Every woman I know has had some type of intimidating, frightening, dangerous, humiliating, or dehumanizing experience with a man during their lifetime.  “All women are sluts” is a powerful group insulting a group that they marginalize, with the intention of controlling that group’s actions (by making them feel ashamed of being “slutty” they’ll stop being “sluts).  “Slut” is also particularly charged in this scenario, because it centers maleness.  What is a slut?  A slut is (usually) a woman who sleeps with men but who won’t sleep with the man calling her a slut.  Which, coming full circle, is why some women say “all men are bad”.  
I get their larger point that generalizations are rarely helpful, but again, they’re making this false equivalency between a political slogan (”all men”), a gendered insult (“all women are sluts”), and random, unhelpful advice, (”women want you to slow down in the bedroom”).  In the first case, the generalization serves a purpose- it’s to let men know that they’re not exempt because they’re a “good guy”.  In the second case, it’s an insult that contributes to a gendered power structure.  In the third case, it’s just shorthand for “the majority of women that we’ve surveyed” because repeating that phrase over and over again will take away from the point they’re trying to make (that maybe you could be better in bed by listening to the sluts, Joe).
All in all, I like this one better than the first one, but Joe Rogan hasn’t grown on me over the course of watching these videos.
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Don't mind me, just losing my mental sh*t
Has anyone else ever noticed it always seems to be the people who’ve never written/posted anything that leave the most unnecessary (and often meanest) comments?
Or the people who themselves write like they haven’t hit puberty yet but feel like they can comment like a professional editor by giving advice that is exactly the opposite of what they were just saying needs to be fixed?!
Not Winx Related, I just really needed to vent. I got a shit review on a non-Winx Story and as I bitch a little about that I'm finally taking the time to address a review I got on my GOT fic, which turned nasty that I want to pick apart, but not to his face because he is not the kind of reviewer who should be interacted with, so I'mma dump it here. (Rant un-beta'd.)
Like? You really want to leave a comment on chapter 2 of a part 30 chapter fic that you haven’t read saying shit like:
“I don’t see the point its basically a rewrite”
When, had you read even one chapter on, you would have begun to see the divergence that is about to slowly snowball out of control while the universe does its best to stay on track. (yes the 'its' typo is review accurate.)
Like buddy, I get it, you've never written anything in your life and you think this is okay to say to someone because, and this may surprise you: you're an asshole.
"The point" was that it was a fun idea, "the point" was that I was enjoying the crossover and figuring out how everything could go wrong by replacing a single major part, "the point" was many, many other people found it hilarious and so did I. Not "the point" but it was also a version of Harry Potter not written by a fcking TERF.
Or:
'This Character is just really out of character, you're doing a bad job of writing him.'
Okay *goes to check their fics to see how they wrote him to see if she can figure out where reviewer is coming from. they have no fics in the fandom.* 'hey reviewer, you say he's out of character, how would you go about fix him so he's more in character?'
'Oh well, he's just not very *season 1 characterisation despite the fact he's explicitly stated to be season 3 end of his character growth story arc*, you should have him do *a thing that is something he would never have done even in season 1*'
-
Or shit like (and this is a long one from 'Richard' who hid behind the Anon function):
"This is a great fic. It's surprisingly difficult for me to optimize the protagonist. So first,"
Like? excuse you? why would you need to optimize my character?
"I really hope Sansa chooses to mine the metric tonnes of valuable honey and wax from that beehive once she gets her inventory."
So I hate to admit that the honey and wax would be a good idea, and she will be getting a boon of that, but it will be because she'll be getting Bee Hives later, not because she'll think to strip mine a people in dire straights.
"Also, she has valyrian steel claws, which she now knows can dig into the rock very easily. Those crumbling ledges? She can dig new ones, she can dig a staircase. She can widen the entrance so that her soldiers come in to help mine the liquid gold. Especially since she appreciates the difference between currency and goods. Of course, maybe she'll establish diplomatic relations instead."
So I am going to look so fcking petty when I finally get the next chapter out, because I actually addressed this idea with reality. Trust me, I did some research, and while there's almost nothing easily found on how long it would take to do this sort of work by hand, what I found supported the idea that it's stupid. It takes (and I shit you not) literal days with a team of men using hand tools to carve through even a few metres of rock (the exact time depends on how hard the rock is and how large they make the opening/area).
Sansa would be literally clawing at the walls with her nails which, while yes they are Valyrian steel, are still attached to very human fingers and arms. and here's where my first hand knowledge kicks back in: I went on a mock archaeological dig when I was in high school, I spent several hours scrapping layers of compact sand to uncover artefacts, resistance levels aside, the repeated action is hell on your muscles, Sansa would spend as much time recovering as she would digging. to get all the way to the entrance would take her literal years with Richard's suggested method.
PLUS: the point of the adventures is for SANSA (and Arya) to have the spot light, to be forced to think and find ways to use the new Abilities they've been given, or to come up with new ones. It's part of my whole "Power is Earned, or it is Corrupted" mentality, if you don't work for it, you will sooner rather than later abuse it.
AND: of course she's going to use diplomatic solutions, she's Sansa, and that's what the clue of foreshadowing was saying! Literally everything you need to know to solve the Dungeons is in their individual clues!!!
"Secondly, medieval people already had long-lasting torches which burned for hours and hours instead of 5-10 minutes. Each torch looked like a pillar or stupidly elongated torch that was carried with the tip lit and burning down like a candle. They also didn't use candles as those were too expensive. They used rushes soaked in fat which could be made by the dozens to hundreds with a few hours' work. There's a youtube video on this subject entitled medieval misconceptions: torches and candles."
Oh. My. God. Such. Valuable. Information. If . Only. I had. Known. This. When. I wrote. about. reed candles. in this. very fic.
Literally of the four times I used the word candle, twice it was explicitly 'reed candles' (and guess what other name rushes go by?) and once it was a metaphor specifically about the smoke and not the candle.
As for the pillar candles, the ones that burn for hours are too heavy for someone of Sansa's size and arm strength and the hour candles, (if you've ever seen Avatar Last Airbender, the candles they used in the Secret Tunnel) are unwieldy and aren't so good for putting down in a way that doesn't risk them going out. (Putting them far enough into a wall sconce that it won't topple back out makes it very tricky to remove it.)
Which, why even bother with torches that are more effort to obtain when Sansa's powers make the 'advantage' obsolete anyway!? Not to mention: Displayed Content! If a show uses something even in the background, it exists in that world. Wax candles aren't that rare. (Also side note, because I do my fcking research: the majority of hives which supply the honey and wax to Westeros are owned by the Maesters of old town.)
"I don't really care about those things though. The latter is a mistake literally everyone makes and I didn't know was a mistake until a month ago. Which goes into my third point, how Sansa could optimize things."
Then why bring it up, especially since I didn't technically make said mistake??
"At this point she knows she needs people and she's already given her powers to someone trustworthy. She also knows that healing is a power she can give. And she knows they're going to need this at least as much as medics. And there are indeed people she trusts whom she hasn't approached with an offer of power. Ned Stark, Catelyn Stark, Lyra Mormont of Bear Island, and Tyrion Lannister. Tyrion Lannister can wait but not forever. Lyra should be approached as soon as possible."
NO. Arya was the exception, not the rule, Sansa isn't going to just go off and give her god-blessed powers to anyone else. I was hesitant to give it to Arya as it was, and only let myself because I could use the 'Arya's God is Death, there's more stakes than you thought' to fully justify it.
Tyrion as he is can't be trusted, and future Tyrion chose Dany over Sansa, neither Sansa nor Arya know how his story ended, so as far as they are concerned he's a good ally, but not actually trust worthy enough for this.
For those of you confused, Lyra Mormont is one of the daughters of the Lady Maege Mormont, and one of Lyanna's sisters. Lyra got maybe two mentions in the books and nothing in the tv series so I can only assume Richard meant Lyanna, who is currently 2 years old! But we'll come back to this, because Richard sure did!!!
As for the medic thing, I really hope Richard meant he was fcking off for good in his final word, because if he comes back, I really don't want him to think he's responsible for the medic corps that I've been planning and attempting to foreshadow with Sansa approaching Luwin, and Beth and Jeyne following Sansa's lead with archery.
Like, oh hey, guess which unfortunate field medic bride of a Stark might find her way to Winterfell if she hears about young women being trained in some basic healing to help Maester Luwin deal with any cases of over flow of patients. That's right, I'm planning for triage nurses! No magical powers required. 
"I assume she's going to get glass from Lys through the Tapestry of Doors. For that she's going to need tokens. She's going to need tokens for everything, and she already knows it. So collecting and hoarding tokens should be a big priority for her. And that means going places where there are tokens to be got. Places she hasn't gone to yet, like The Wall and Bear Island. Just to get tokens."
No. Again, just NO! Sansa already stated that Tokens and relying on them were a thing that would come back to bite her, she'll horde them as she finds them, but she's not going out of her way to find them because she has things to do! Also: the Tapestry of Doors was a piece of Flavour text for way late in the fic if it ever came back, and like a Stargate, requires one at each end, so someone would have to travel to Lys anyway, which is dumb when Sansa now has a Loom which can copy any 'raw' material, and the ability to convert that 'raw' material' into any object she has the blueprint for, which she can get by 'scanning' with her console.
She just has to put 2 and 2 together!!
"She also knows there are dungeons in each place, and that she needs to get to them. And that it's better if she gets in with people. Like people Lyra trusts to whatever dungeon is in Bear Island."
The thing about the Dungeons is that the whole thing is for Sansa, some of them will have special requirements, but very few of them are crucial, they're just there so Sansa has a place and a trial to obtain Unique Items of game breaking power or ability.
"The last way to optimise her powers is one I don't think she'll take even though it has a lot of benefits. Going with a squad of soldiers into the Dreadfort's dungeon in order to confront the walking dead, with hit and run tactics slowly draining the population there. The main benefit and reason to do this is to harden and blood the soldiers to prepare them for the Long Night, so she should have the soldiers on rotation in order to expose as many as possible to the horrors to come."
Problem is the undead in the Dreadfort Dungeon aren't the same as the Wights and White Walkers, they can just be killed in the same ways. The idea of these kinds of fics is that by the time the Long Night Comes, Sansa and Arya can do most if the heavy lifting. You are right that Sansa wouldn't risk her people for some EXP though.
Sansa will be going back though, there's a pair of Shears and Needle in there.
"Also, the loot should be great. Perhaps another loom. But I would do it even for more bobbins. Or nothing at all."
Literally the Loom is a one off item. It is super powerful with what it can do in the context, so having more than one would ruin the power balance I've been trying to keep between Power Fantasy and OP Bullshit.
-
Someone of course pointed out that (Richard said Lyra, but responder said Lynna) Lyanna was currently literally 2 or 3 years old, she can't do shit. (they also brought up that 2 (actually 3) characters had already declined the super powers, because it included bad timeline memory downloads.) Guess how Richard took that?!
If you guessed "not well" you get a cookie!
Seriously, I was kind of annoyed at his review because^^^ reasons he was wrong about stuff, but also the arrogance of 'telling me how to optimize my character' was just, icky, so I was just going to ignore him.
But then he went (in response to the other reviewer):
"(snort) I think you need to recall what Lyanna Mormont is like at 10 years of age. She is a force and she is in charge. And what exactly is your objection, that Sansa needs consent or is preserving innocence?"
No moron, the objection is that she's literally 2 or 3 years old, what the fck is she going to do in her tiny little body? But yes, now that you mention it, Sansa (was assaulted and lost her bodily autonomy, she) would place a huge amount of importance on consent, it's one of the reasons she was so upset by Arya taking advantage of her sleepy state to get her to agree.
"Lyanna Mormont wouldn't care. Jon and Robb care, that's why their sister cares. Lyanna would never thank Sansa for trying to preserve her innocence, keep her ignorant, or keep her weak. She would be insulted."
Lyanna is literally 2 or 3 years old, she doesn't know enough to care or be insulted by not being told that she's lost the chance to remember several years of horrific shit before being violently murdered.
Also I notice you didn't say anything about the name correction. Got it wrong the first time did you?
"Which leaves only respecting Lyanna's will. Or her mother's will maybe. Or at least informing them of what she's decided to do before she does it so they can prepare. But Sansa gains nothing by not asking."
And what would she gain by asking? also nothing. Lyanna is 2 or 3 years old. Also the fic isn't about her. Why would Sansa even trust her? The child who thought she could judge Sansa for being unable to stab her way out of some horrible places? who scorned Sansa because she was femme? Because Sansa's strength isn't the same as hers so Lynna decided Sansa didn't have any?
Lynna chose Jon to lead the North over Sansa who had a better claim to the throne, Jon, who spent the entire 8th season saying how much he doesn't want to be king, Jon who legit just tried to walk away from the Command of the Nights Watch.
"And this brings up another issue, the fact Sansa never decided FOR Jon and Robb cuts both ways. She informed them of their choice and she let them make it."
"Sansa didn't keep them in the dark without informing them of the decision she was making for them, as you seem to want to do, since that definitely isn't the right thing to do. Mushroom management is a shit heap."
The boys were already aware that something was up, Sansa had nothing to gain by lying, and she made the offer before she realised the memories were a thing.
"The question to ask a toddler is "do you want to grow up?" it's not a difficult question to ask and it does have a meaningful answer. And that's the problem you have, because you already know Lyanna Mormont would say yes and you want her to say no. That's why you want the question never asked."
"You want to pretend that Lyanna Mormont, DEFINITELY in charge of bear island at 10 years of age, is a gormless wimp like 25 year old Jon Snow who refused to be king and refused to even THINK whether or not Daenerys would be a good queen by constantly uttering the refrain "she is my queen"."
Laynna was in charge because she was the last of her family, everyone else was lost fighting someone else's war. More importantly: she's not even part of the equation? Why would Sansa travel to Bear Island to ask a 2 or 3 year old if she wants to become an angry and traumatised 10 year old in a 2 or 3 year old body which will feel like a prison because she's not as tall or fast as she used to be, because she can't lift or climb or jump or ride or fight like she used to.
And for what? a few super powers she has to ask Sansa for? For mental trauma her family and friends cannot comprehend?
But no, have a look at the part where Richard really started to cross the line:
"No, Lyanna Mormont wants power, wants to grow up, that is obvious. And you're an obstacle in her way. She would hurt you for standing in her way, probably smashing a mace in your knees. And you're so weak that yes you would in fact be hurt by a 2 or 3 year old toddler. She killed a giant and she would have no problem killing you for daring to think you're a giant."
"Stand aside little man and let Lyanna Mormont have her glory."
Now I don't know what this guy's obsession is with Lyanna, but that sounded like a threat to me. Like, who tells people that a fiction character would physically maim or murder a real person just for pointing out said fictional character is 2 or 3 years old?
Lyanna doesn't want power? She's not that kind of person, even if she is fictional? More importantly:
Neither I nor the reviewer were 'standing in her way' because she's a fictional character who's not even in this fic!!!
But his behaviour was pretty shit, so I told him to knock it off or I was going to turn the review filters on.
That went about as well as you might expect.
So I was All:
[I don't know what you think you mean by 'optimize the character' but half of your assumptions are wrong, the rest run counter to my pre-existing plans and I don't care for your overall demeanour. I was prepared to leave your post be, but your recent reply is inappropriate and uses language which runs VERY close to sounding like a death threat, which I DO NOT APPRECIATE. I don't want to be 'that bitch', but I am going to ask you to please be respectful, or I will be turning on the comment filters.]
Because I don't Know if you know this but AO3 has three filters in the privacy tab of every story posted:
1] “Only show your work to registered users”
this means that you MUST be logged in to an AO3 account to even find it let alone read it
2] Disable Anonymous Comments
you Must be logged in to leave a comment
3] Enable Comment Moderation
doesn't matter what you say, with out Author OK, your review will not be showing up in the comment section.
(… tumblr just did that thing again where it refreshes in the middle of my thousands of words of text and loses all my stuff, it is literally making me want to kill myself. Because I have to retype all the responses from the next fcking section. It's my own fault for not just using a word document, but also: fck tumblr? For being stupid?)
So, from here Richard had three options:
1- Apologise and move one
2- say nothing and pretend it hadn't happened and move on
3- He went with this:
“Your Sansa Stark is weaker than canon Sansa Stark. It's true your Sansa Stark has a strictly higher level of ambition than Sansa Stark. But what she uses in order to achieve her goals, her resources, is weaker.”
“She uses actions, capabilities and skills. She uses embroidery, archery, learning (archery), she uses the people she already knows but not strangers. She uses and manipulates the people she can interact with, learn from, act upon. The level of people that is directly equal to skills.”“
She doesn't use language, nor does she use strangers. Strangers are the level of people that don't require interaction but DO require language to deal with. And your Sansa Stark's language is too weak. When she manipulates the maid in the Dreadfort, it's entirely accidentally and unintentionally.”
Sansa has seen what power does to people, she's seen what lies ahead for the manipulators of the world, she's been taught at the side of Cersei and Petyr, and she does not want to become them. For all the horrific things she's gone through, Sansa came out the other side with her compassion intact, possibly even stronger than before.
“She talks to Domeric only because she's already interacted with him, she's been healing him for days by that point. She fakes Green Dreaming to her father because she knows her language is inadequate and will achieve nothing. The way her father and mother treat her, they know mere words would be inadequate. And they would dismiss any words she said. "Haven't we told our children dreams can't hurt you?"”
She doesn't want to interact with Domeric, he looks like the man who violated her repeatedly, killed her brother and sacked her home. She wants to be as far away from him as possible. When she does end up interacting with him, despite being so sleep deprived it's a wonder she hadn't started hallucinating, she manages to win him over pretty easily.
She fakes Green Dreaming because “a god made me time travel” is not only a ridiculous concept but a foreign one as well. Why would Sansa tell her parents that when it would mean admitting to going through some horrific shit, to letting her family down and being let down by her family when Green Dreams are a known thing which explains her knowledge. It's not inadequacy, it's efficiency and an attempt to hide horrible things.
I need to point out that “Haven't we told our children that dreams can't hurt you?” is said by Catelyn in self-recrimination afterwards, and is said specifically to reference the reason Sansa might not have felt she could go to them with her problem was because it was based on dreams. Because what parent would take dreams as a serious threat unless they were a Nightmare on Elm Street survivor, especially since Green Seers have become so rare they've been relegated back to myths and stories by the time Jojen and Bran show up.
“Language requires actions such as mouthing, shouting, tonguing, but actions will never add up to language. Actions are necessary but NOT SUFFICIENT for language. This is why you can't write a single damned sentence with only actions. Try it, you won't be able to.”
I can't take this paragraph seriously if only because of the use of the word 'tonguing'. FFS, he sounds like a small child trying to convince people he's got a PhD. 'If I throw out some big words and phrase them right they'll sound 'academic' and I'll look smarter!
'I know this probably isn't what Richard meant but: Sign Language? Is literally all actions?
(Obviously real language requires thoughts and concepts to be communicated to be a language, but even the most primitive of body movements can express something: I'm hot, I'm hungry, I'm angry, etc. It might not be true language, but it is communication, which is the basis of language, the reason we made language in the first place.)
“Canon Sansa Stark had dreams, plans, and designs on what others have. She wanted to wed a prince, she had designs on the princess position. She wanted out of King's Landing. She wanted Winterfell. She wanted the Knights of the Vale to fight ... FOR HER.”
“People who had never met canon Sansa Stark in their entire lives fought and died for canon Sansa Stark's benefit. For the designs of a (her words) stupid girl. And sure, her initial designs were stupid. And they only rose up to being pathetic. But they were designs, they were dreams, they were plans.”
I need to talk about my interpretation of Sansa for a minute, because that's what I've been writing: my interpretation of Sansa.
Sansa was raised with an idea of how the world should be, not how it was. She was raised loved and protected and surrounded by men of honour. Fed stories of heroes, brave knights and valiant princes, where good always triumphed, or was romantically defeated and beautifully tragic.
She wasn't raised to expect dishonourable men and hidden motives, she wasn't raised expecting a (metaphorical) dagger in her back.
She didn't want the crown, she didn't want the throne, she wanted “the prince” from her stories, who would cherish her and care for her and give her a family filled with love. And yes the pretty dresses and the shiny jewels and the adoration and praise. But she never wanted power, that came later.
Later after she'd seen the cracks in the world and the grime beneath the gilding, when she'd learned friend and foe were often the same, that people with power would hurt her, use her, that she was nothing but a trophy to them.
Sansa wanted power because “if I'm the one with the power, then they can't hurt me any more, if I have the power I'll be safe, if I have the power then I can protect people, if I have the power I can stop people like that.”
But Sansa has never had power, it was always borrowed, an illusion that could vanish at one misstep. She had no money of her own, her blood made her valuable to others as a trade commodity, but gave her no personal power.
When people fought for her, it was never really about her.
Petyr gave her armies so he could win favour so he could use her as a proxy for her dead mother. Brienne fought to fulfil an oath to Sansa's dead mother.
The Men of the North fought for Winterfell, to get revenge on the Boltons. The Wildings followed Jon Snow. And when it was over, it was Jon who was crowned king, not Sansa the one who had to talk him into getting back their home in the first place.
Her parents and Robb fought for her, but their armies fought for House Stark, for the insult Sansa and Arya's capture and Ned's death presented.
“Your Sansa Stark has no plans, has no dreams, and certainly has no designs. She doesn't use language, because her language is too weak and has no power. She doesn't use her emotions or feelings because they are brittle and far too weak to be used. Weaker even than the emotions and feelings of a stupid girl. She doesn't use her mind or intellect because she doesn't cogitate. She uses skills and ONLY skills. To try to fake everything else.”
It's odd that he says this when he started off this response by saying my Sansa was more ambitious than canon Sansa.
First of all: I thought I was making it fairly clear that her goals were: save her family, save the North, stop the White Walkers.
Her dreams are to never be beholden to another man ever again.
Sansa wants her family alive, she wants to be safe and she wants to be free of all the political manipulations she had to sit through in the first timeline.
Second of all: Richard has clearly never been assaulted in his life in any way and I am so fcking happy for him. Really.
Look, people who suffer long term trauma, (or short term, it doesn't matter how long really) are not magically okay afterwards. The idea that sexual assault makes femme women strong is disgusting and so toxically prevalent in movies and shows and books these days its... horrific. You'll notice butch women like Arya aren't typically assaulted to be strong, because they're already so 'manly'. It was a genuine surprise when they tried to have Brienne assaulted, but that was more about showing how much of a 'good guy' Jaime was than Brienne.
You can really tell in several places that the tv series had non-con fetishists on staff.
Sansa is so brittle now, because she feels safe enough to let herself feel the fear she wasn't able to earlier, to work through the panic and the anger and all the emotions she couldn't before.
“Your Sansa Stark plans to use skills in order to change the world. And since it's obvious the world isn't run by woodcutters or farmers or archers or anyone else defined by their SKILLS, she will fail. She will fail abysmally, totally and catastrophically. She hasn't got the slightest sliver of a chance.”
Quick tally: Sansa has managed to convince her parents she had knowledge of the future, put them on track to realising Petyr Baelish was stealing from the Crown, got Stannis curious in Dragonstone, came up with a plan to gain favour for the North by helping to pay of part of the Crown's debt and has begun working on a plan to ensure more food is available for the Northerners when Winter arrives.
Not to mention, (and you'd easily miss this): Sansa has begun influencing a shift in the young women of the North who had previously been influenced by the South.
The thing is, Richard seems convinced its about the looting and the grinding, 'kill enough stuff and you become a God!' but it's not.
“So you stacked the deck in her favor. You put a high tier deity on her side. Now Sansa has a slim chance to squeak out a win, using the power she's borrowing. But here's the thing, it will never be HER win because it isn't HER power, it isn't HER plans. Your Sansa Stark has no plans, but her deity does, even if they're stupid plans of puerile amusement-seeking. So IF there is a victory at the end, it will never be Sansa Stark's victory, it will be her deity's. Because she is only a pawn, a tool, a peon, a minion.”
Richard doesn't seem to understand what the introduction of Arya's God means for the lore. The amount of death from the wars is causing Bad Things in the back ground of the original timeline.
Sansa isn't the Being's pawn, she's their start player, the Being is a sponsor who's giving Sansa the chance and resources to be greater than she was. It's not about 'puerile amusement-seeking', but how do you tell a young woman who's gone through what Sansa's gone through that the fate of the entire human race is in her hands, that if she fails it won't just be her family that falls.
If Sansa thinks the Being just wants amusement, then Sansa will act as she pleases and hope it's good enough, which puts her closer in line with saving the world than if she's actually trying to save the world, because that is a much bigger task than 'stop the issues that got my family killed'.
The Being is only victorious if Sansa is, it's their shared victory.
Now up until this point Richard has been an arrogant tool, but it might almost seem like he's being reasonable. This is where he loses the plot and just starts back on his favourite fall back: threatening people with violence.
“Now generally, when an author writes a protagonist who is a pawn, a tool, a peon and a minion of a higher power, when they write a protagonist who is WEAK, it's because they themselves are weak. Generally doesn't mean universally however, so I had to know. And now I do. You are weak Jasper.”
“You want to convince me of something Jasper. You want to convince me that I'm wrong, that my opinion is wrong, that my position is wrong, you want me to change my mind, you want me to know my plans and judgment are wrong. Because they're in conflict with yours. But how do you achieve this? By threatening me with your borrowed power. Exactly like your Sansa Stark.”
Did he have to google the list of synonyms there?
I don't know what it is about being referred to by name, but it bugs me that he chose to use only a portion of my pen-name like we were somehow familiar, rather than not using my name or referring to me as OP or something along those lines.
Also I really have to disagree that only weak people write about people being weak, but I don't think his opinions of weak and strong match with mine either. 
He is wrong, but more importantly: he threatened someone with violence for daring to correct him.
I wasn't threatening him, I was warning him to stop being an asshole or I would disable anonymous commenting.
“You do this because you're weak. And what do we call weak people who complain about strong people's actions when they are the bitches of higher powers? We call them exactly what you "don't want to be", we call them bitches. You are a bitch to higher powers and you bitch about higher powers like me. You bitch about people who can use their intellects. And for a good reason too.”
“You fear my attitude because I am the bitch slapper. I slap little bitches like you all fucking day long every single day. It doesn't matter to me who it is, whether it's my own friends who are bitching, I slap them for it. And you will never ever convince me that you're right. Because you're weak. And because I don't respect bitches.”
Look, I've seen enough therapists of different varieties to pull off some impressive psych 101 bullshit so I can tell you right now: Richard is a man who has never held any real authority in his life, he has mediocre skills at best and often feels talked down to because he feels more entitled than he is and no one treats him like a god for breathing. He refuses to back down when wrong even in the face of evidence and then he pouts because the world didn't shift to match his delusions.
The worst part is I know this, and I know I shouldn't let this bother me. But it does. But it shouldn't and I can tell him to his 'face' via review reply why he's wrong, or he'll know it bothers me, then he'll feel validated, even though he's wrong. And he'll probably threaten someone with more violence and then I really will have to disable anon comments and effectively punish some readers who did nothing wrong.
“So what are you going to do to me that I care about? Stop me from reading your fic? You don't have that power. Stop writing it so that I can no longer learn how your mind works, my ulterior motive? That would be cutting your nose to spite your face. You would suffer far out of proportion to me. I would just move on to some other author. Report me? Go ahead, I don't care. Really, we're done here, so have a nice life.”
Yes I do, literally the first of the privacy filters would stop you from reading, but that would hurt my other readers who don't have an account.
'Ulterior motive'? Buddy, you apparently don't understand how any mind works.
Again: if you don't care why bring it up?
Are you really leaving though? Do you promise?!
“The only thing you could ever do to me is surprise me by ceasing to be a weak little bitch. Or even resolving to not be one. This would invalidate all of my predictions by rising to my implied challenge. That's what I like, win-win. (lol) I'm not holding my breath though.”
I don't have anything to prove to this douche tool and it bothers me that this is bothering me so much!!!! The worst part is, this review came at a time when my attention for the fic was flagging, so I'll never know if it was really this review or not that made me stop writing for the past few months?
Those of you with an AO3 account who drop by my profile to see if I wrote anything interesting may have noticed my recent 'for archive users only' locked fic. I can confirm that yes: to mental detox this review I went and watched a Chinese Xianxia drama that has become my new hyper-focus. Almost 100 plot bunnies are being posted into the locked fic in an effort to purge it rom my brain so I can get back to what I was doing. It seems to be working. I wrote about 1000 words for Episode: Sisterhood this week, so the chapter is almost done. At last!
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kutthroats · 5 years
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critical muse development questions
well when asked so nicely how could i refuse, sorry not sorry for the upcoming wall of text I guess hmmm
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1.what would completely break your character?
As insane as Kano might be, he’s relatively stable and breaking him is really not that easy of a task. He’s so fueled by his deranged bloodlust that pain and being beaten to near death wouldn’t be the way to do it. The quickest way to break and demolish everything he is would be to take away everything he accomplished, by some miracle completely wipe out the Black Dragon and take away all the influence he has over the criminal underworld and, to some extent, Outworld. That would be the most obvious answer, but there’s also the fact that he thrives on crushing the competition and rivals and enemies. Take away all sort of competition, all sort of rivalry ( such as Sonya and Khadijah ) and need to fight to stay on his big fat throne of crime and you’d end up with an incredibly bored man who would quickly enough lose his entire drive. Not quite the same result, as taking away all sort of power he has would leave him extremely mentally unstable at best, but a bored Kano would be extremely volatile and dangerous as well, desperate to get the rush of adrenaline again. If he’s not fighting, there’s something very wrong going on.
3.what was the worst thing in your character’s life?
As much as I’d love to get out some HCs, some of my personal stuff with the Red Dragon or even in the Black Dragon itself before he got to the top, I think nothing can quite top the whole Jax incident. Sure, he had to go through some wild stuff to get where he is and had some real shit fights but none came as close to prematurely ending his reign as King of the underworld as his first meeting with Jackson Briggs. He kind of deserved it, truth be told, having made quick work of the man’s entire squad nearly by himself. No specific event was as life changing as having one of his eye crushed by his own caved in skull, though he truly was lucky that Jax was stupid enough to leave him for dead, at least until he got proper back-up, which by then, Kano had already been dragged away. It wasn’t his only near-death experience, but it is THE one that really left lasting changes for him, obviously, and one of the rare times where he felt absolutely overpowered in terms of raw strength ( and that is before Jax got the metal arms, yikes ). It didn’t make him any less reckless than he was before but it at least shook him up real good. In the end, it’s what also allowed him to stand out among the other notorious smuggling organizations, since it was his real on-hands experience with cybernetics.
5.does your character work so they can support their hobbies or use their hobbies as a way of filling up the time they aren’t working?
Ah well, you see, for Kano they truly mix. His work is by all means, his hobby, hell, it’s his entire life at that point, with all he’s done. He does not really get real off days, not that he wants any as he’s extremely prone to boredom, might get a bit of down time between big jobs but being at the head of the Black Dragon AND to be directly involved in a lot of the business that goes on with the crime ring means he’s usually very busy. He wouldn’t have it any other way honestly, doing all this, to him, is a constant reminder of his own success. I guess if we really want to go there, the whole network of illegal fight klubs / speakeasies could be considered his latest hobby but even then, this is still more work, more money going in and out with the drinking, the bets and all that jazz. Though if he does decide to indulge himself he won’t mind gambling ( either bets at the fights or more traditional gambling, which he used to partake in more when he spent most of his time in Outworld during Mileena’s reign and the early years of Kotal’s rules, where there was not much else to do ), as well as participating in fights himself. He also trains a lot obviously, one glimpse at him and his deadly precision when it comes to knife fighting is enough to know he keeps his body at its absolute peak at all times, but all of this is still related to work in the end.
7.how does your character feel about sex?
I don’t think I’ll surprise anyone by saying he’s kind of a thot. He’s really promiscuous ( to the point Raiden calls him out on it l o l ) and has no real filter about it either, especially when he knows so many people are bothered by it, which is why he won’t shy away from absolutely unwanted comments about women he’s talking to, their reaction, be they negative as usually expected, or even positive, it all falls under his huge need to feel in control. If they react then what he’s doing works and that’s really all Kano needs to entertain himself. While he does have a really high sex drive he isn’t hypersexual, as this falls under addictions that can deeply affect someone’s mood and get in the way of their daily life. While yeah, Kano can easily be frustrated, he won’t let it get in the way of his number one priority. Anyway, being where he is means he can usually easily indulge in his endless appetites, be they for money or for women, so him reaching the point of being sexually frustrated is? really rare unless y’know... he’s imprisoned or something similar LOL. It’s not like he really has issues finding casual partners, gladly letting any Black Dragon women in need of a power trip think they’re able to charm him for a day, it’s not like he’ll care afterwards. Other than that, he also absolutely doesn’t care paying for sex if he doesn’t wanna deal with trouble and have everything his way, being filthy rich as he is anyway. Either way, he’s extremely casual about it and will very rarely have the same partner twice because he simply cannot care enough. Of course there’s a few exceptions (hey sup khadoodoo ) here and there ( unless a woman gets him interested again and he forgot about her l o l ) but since he gets bored of routine so easily it truly is rare. 
9.how many friends does your character want?
............none? He doesn’t do uh... friends. Sure there’s some people he’ll call his mates as aussies do but they’re not by any mean... FRIENDS. The concept itself is absolutely laughable. There are people who he will get along with, who he won’t really want to immediately kill and or backstab n exploit, but that is usually because there would be no point in doing so. There’s no one, no matter how well they can get along with Kano’s unusual way of thinking, that’s safe from having a knife in the back if someone else hired him to do so. So yeah uhhhh he’s not against tolerating people that can handle him but he truly does not care about them beside their potential use.
11.for what would your character give their life?
Absolutely nothing, dummy. What’s the point if HE isn’t alive anymore? He is his only number 1 priority, not even the whole Black Dragon comes before him, he’d gladly let it all burn if it meant he remained alive. Do u got more of those silly, silly questions.
13.what does your character pretend or try to care about?
Eh, whoever hires him, usually? Those are the rare times he’ll put the effort in pretending to care, though he also does that with his mercenaries. It’s well known that he is ruthless and merciless, but the small fraction of his Black Dragons that do get to see him, or even talk to him, either by pure luck or because they’ve somehow stood out... yeah he can sometimes put on his affable facade. He IS actually good at knowing what to say and when, and he absolutely is willing to put on this act with select mercenaries. It gets people talking, make some hope to be able to stand out when they hear about it, to be lucky enough to maybe one day get into his inner circle and thus have a chance at being rich and living the good life like his top mercs could live if they so chose. As for those who hire him, while some aren’t foolish enough to believe anything he says, he doesn’t mind indulging the ones who have an inflated ego, to get in their good grace and stay their go-to for anything the Black Dragon could be hired for.
15.what is your character afraid of?
Ah, tricky. Is he really afraid of anything? Concepts, I guess. Powerlessness, being stripped of everything that made him as indispensable as he is, irrelevance. Those truly are the big ones, those scenarios that can briefly pop up in his mind but are quickly shoved away, they’re unrealistic at that point anyway, he thinks. He has such a high opinion of himself and his own resourcefulness that he’s convinced he could bounce back from anything that could ever happen to him or his crime empire, and he’s honestly not entirely wrong ( good example is how he just became Shao Kahn’s general after the fall of the Black Dragon in the OG timeline ). Death COULD scare him if he wasn’t so far into his own delusional mind about how unkillable he is, but in his current state, not much can freak him out beside maybe deep open water, you just never know what’s in there.
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stardyng · 5 years
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I love your blog as a Sansa and Jonsa fan, and I can’t help but see your Harry x Sansa opinions while perusing. I didn’t read the books, so my question is - why isn’t the ship more popular if indeed Harry seems like a good match? I’ve read that Harry is an ass, does his character evolve to be a worthy match for Sansa? And finally, how important do you think his role is if he doesn’t even exist in the show? Please get back to me when you have free time! I’d really love to read your thoughts :)
There’s a multitude of reasons why Harry Hardyng, and the pairing itself aren’t popular, and I am painfully aware of the reasons. There are essentially two main reasons for this. 
First of all, Harry is not only a book only character, but he and Sansa only had one conversation with each other in a unpublished chapter that you can find online. In order to read that chapter, you have to have read the five other books. This makes the pairing itself quite inaccessible compared to a lot of her other pairings. Therefore, the people who even know that Harry The Heir exist are already low enough, with many of them already wanting her to be paired off with another character by the time they read the latest Sansa chapter. 
Second of all, and this is one is going to hurt me, but Harry The Heir is a explicitly flawed character…or at least that’s what people seem to think based on what we know about him thus far. People have made elaborated essays on how terrible he is based on the little we know from him. Our introduction to him is him not wanting to have a walk with Sansa because she’s ‘’Littlefinger’s bastard’’, and later we come to find out that he has a child and another girl pregnant. He then proceeds to fat-shame one of his earlier lovers. So…a lot of people end up finishing that chapter really disliking him. I don’t blame them for their feelings, but I just don’t agree. 
However, I think that all of the characteristics and actions that people use in order to prove that he is a terrible person aren’t valid, because a lot of it ignores the fact that there is more to him, and the fact that he too was born and raised in the Westorosi society, and that the way he acts and the way he views certain things are impacted by that very fact. At the end of the day, a lot of Harry’s actions and thoughts can be understood if you acknowledge these two things. 
For starters, I think his negative reaction about having a walk with Sansa is not justified but understandable if we look at things from his perspective. He is forced into a match with a stranger who’s the daughter of a man he doesn’t like, and so he’s angry and says something that isn’t very nice. While he did use the slur ‘’bastard’’, I think that we should consider that perhaps, his problem wasn’t the fact that she was a bastard necessarily, but that he didn’t want to be engaged to anyone in the first place (he’s a 17 year old boy!!!) or simply the fact that she was Littlefinger’s child. It could also be the bastard thing, but to shame him for classism, when a lot of everyone’s favorite characters did or said classist things is completely unfair. They live in a society that promotes classist point of views, and most characters are in environments suffusing in classism. Jon, Catelyn and Sansa among many other protagonists in the story have said or thought things that are rather classist. 
Even when talking about the use of ‘’bastard’’ as a slur, we’ve seen a lot of sympathetic characters use it as well. Catelyn used it ( “I need none of your absolution, bastard.”), Tyrion used it numerous times, Arya used it (’’you’re nothing but a bastard boy!’’), Jaime used it, and Jon even used it as well (’’and we are coming for you, bastard.’’). To solely shame Harry for doing something that the majority of people in Westoros has done I think is rather unfair. 
With that out of the way, the whole situation with Harry The Heir, his sex life, and his own set of ‘’bastards’’ turn a lot of other people off. I’ve seen some people blatantly shame Harry for having sex which is a pretty terrible thing to do. I mean sure he could have use a contraceptive method, but him having casual sex on it’s own isn’t really that bad a thing. However, more people judge Harry in reason of the fact that they think he’s negligent of the women he has had sex with, and I disagree completely with that idea. 
Thing is that the women he has had sex with were not explicitly stated to be his lovers. They could very much just be people he has had casual sex with. This is what he has to say about the mother of his first child:
“Yes. Cissy was a pretty thing when I tumbled her, but childbirth left her as fat as a cow, so Lady Anya arranged for her to marry one of her men-at-arms. It is different with Saffron.” - Alayne I, TWOW
Well what I’m going to do is tell you had these things don’t mean. A lot of people like to say that he stopped being with Cissy because she was pregnant or became fat or some nonsense like that, when in reality, that isn’t stated anywhere. All that’s stated is that she became fat so Lady Anya arranged her to be with someone else. Harry The Heir wasn’t given a choice in any of this. He didn’t get to decide if we has going to stay with her or not. Shaming Harry for something that he didn’t get to decide is rather unfair. Plus, he knows what’s going on with the mother of his child, and the text implies that she is in a financially stable situation and is going to marry a man who will help her take care of the child. She’s completely fine and she doesn’t need him. 
Other people like to discredit him due to his fat shaming in this line. I would just like these people to get off their high horse that they’ve just decided to climb on. Several main protagonists in the story have made fat-shaming jokes or comments. Arya was not happy that she had to sit next to Tommen, ‘’the little fat one’’ instead of the comely prince Joffrey, Ned and Catelyn made some fun of Robert’s weight in the show, Arya called people ‘’grossly fat’’ numerous times, Jon describes Sam as the ‘’fat boy’’ in his head for a lot of his earlier chapters, Tyrion describes the High Septon as being ‘’ as fat as a house.’’, Olenna Tyrell, everyone’s favorite comedian makes a lot of fat-shaming comments and you could find a lot of other fat-shaming comments made by a multitude of characters both major and minor, both protagonists and antagonists in the series. Yet the only one seem to have a problem with is Harry which is completely is unfair, especially when unlike what people say, his comment wasn’t about him leaving her because she was fat, it was about Lady Anya giving her to someone specific because she was fat. 
Then, there’s the question of his second lover Saffron, who is also pregnant. The idea that he left his other lover because he’s negligent and is not willing to take care of his children is untrue not only because that was not the reason he was even separated from Cissy in the first place, but also because he is still around his second lover Saffron, who he has not said one negative thing about. He didn’t express any willingness to run away from her or anything. Therefore that bit of criticism is invalid as well. 
Therefore, at the end of the day, I think none of the things that people use as proof that he is supposedly an ass is valid. I mean sure, one of the minor characters seem to have reached that conclusion, but basing off what he has done and how he has acted with Sansa in their only conversation, I just don’t see it. It’s like how many of the characters in the story seem convinced that Sansa is stupid even though reading her chapters, she comes off as rather intelligent, except this time it’s Harry, who has been extremely respectful of Sansa, yet is apparently an ass. 
That brings me to the fact that Harry has treated Sansa far better than most of the characters in the story. Yes he initially dismissed her because she was Littlefinger’s daughter/bastard at first, but when they interacted later on, he was extremely courteous. He is her only possible love interest who not only apologized to her candidly for his previous actions (’’I was unforgivably rude to you in the yards…you must forgive me,’’), he actually changed his behavior after his apology unlike Tyrion or Ned, whose apology were simply justifications for their actions. Not only that but he called her pretty without being creepy about it, he has been completely honest with her even when she had asked extremely personal questions, he has absolutely no ulterior motives, he genuinely enjoy her as a person, laughs when she makes funny jokes and even complimented her intelligence. People act like he treats women like trash when he respected Sansa’s personal space and didn’t sexually harass her or objectify her in any manner, and even when he talked about his previous lover’s beauty, he was never objectifying or being creepy about it (“Saffron is very beautiful, I’ll have you know. Tall and slim, with big brown eyes and hair like honey.”)  
I think their interaction was really wonderful, because unlike so many of Sansa’s love interests, he actually genuinely respects her. He never dismissed what she had to say at the basis of her sex or anything like that. There’s also more personal reasons as to why I enjoy this ship. I think their dynamic is really enjoyable because I enjoy seeing Sansa tease him and make him blush and bewildered, and it’s evident to me that she is in complete control of the situation when they interact. Most of the times we’ve seen Sansa interact with another character, it’s that other character who is in control, and often use that control to do horrible things to her. However, in this situation, she not only has the agency, but he lets her have it. When she asks personal questions about his life, he answers. When she teases him and plays with him, he genuinely enjoys it. Like when she said he’s bad at conversation, he could have been all insulted, yet instead he laughs at her making fun of him. When she makes a suggestive comment, he grins. I don’t know how so many people can just dismiss the pairing when it’s so refreshing to see Sansa have such freedom in her relationship with someone else. 
So yeah, every criticism that people launch Harry’s way is invalid in my opinion. Some of them are blatantly false, a lot of them are baseless assumptions and others are things that so many of the other protagonists have done and said without as much criticism. I think that Harry has not been an ass to Sansa, and has been really courteous with her. Not only that, but he genuinely respects her and what she has to say unlike so many of the characters people want her to be with. To go even further, their dynamic is unlike every other Sansa dynamic that has some romantic vibes to them because she has a lot of freedom and agency in this particular relationship. I honestly can’t wait to see more of them together. 
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youswiminmywater · 5 years
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reflections on past jobs, for no particular reason
for the past few days, i’ve been trying to shake off a funk, a slump, one of those holes you can fall into if you’re the depressed type. where you spend entire days in bed, or crawl out at 2pm to eat a pile of leftover mashed potatoes between a mindless barrage of youtube videos or sudoku puzzles. just drowning yourself in distractions until you finally get fed up with it and start down that familiar path of Self-Care, which is probably a little different for everybody. for me, it involves leaving the house (which i’m convinced has some paranormal draining effect on my soul, or perhaps just dust, mold, cat pee, dandruff around the house intensifies my doldrums on a base physical level), going out to eat or sitting around in a coffee shop to read. reading is always my touchstone for “getting better,” like i’m flexing some intellectual muscles that i’d been neglecting for the past few weeks, or even months. i’ve said before that i’m a terrible english major, and have a lot of trouble starting books let alone finishing them, but i just think it’s a habit that needs developing, a habit that can replace the easier, mindless ones like scrolling through tumblr or playing through a game i’ve played through a thousand times. 
a friend of mine suggested the other day that reading is equally a waste of time as playing a video game, though, a comment that really kind of fucked me up and made me feel embarrassed for trying to use it to cheer myself up. i think i’ve come to a point now where i can disagree, heartily, with that comment. no video game inspires this much thought in myself, or makes me want to write. maybe it has to do with the TV screen itself. i’ve read that the blue light TVs have sort of a trance effect on you, like how the fluorescents at the supermarket make you want to browse around and lose focus, or how phone screens trick your brain into staying awake because it’s the same kind of light that comes from the sun. it does feel like a trap sometimes, an addiction. and some video games really do manipulate you to play them as much as possible, some are just designed that way. i’m not ashamed to say i’d throw video games out of my life entirely if i could, they never have made me feel better about myself. they’ve never inspired me. maybe i’ve just had some poor experiences with them, skipping homework to play games, staying up too late, getting angry at certain levels, forgetting to eat or go to the bathroom. they just command too much attention and force me to forget about myself entirely, don’t allow me to think about anything other than the game itself. the only real positive influence they’ve had on my life is that it’s something to do with other people if i can’t physically be with them. like virtual worlds to hang out in with your friends. even then, though, it’s more about spending time with people i care about in a setting that’s comfortable for me, not about the games themselves. ANYWAY that’s my argument for THAT
like i was saying, shaking off a funk. i was at this coffee shop today, maybe been there three or four times. i don’t really drink coffee, and coffee shops have never really been my scene, but they’re great places to just sit for a couple of hours to read and write, and nobody even bats an eye at you. can’t really do that at a sit down restaurant, it’s too easy to feel self-conscious, especially if there’s a waitress depending on flipping your table as efficiently as possible. 
but the point of this story is to talk about the doughnuts they were selling at this particular coffee shop. big, fat doughnuts, a few with outlandish glazes, strawberry glaze, for example. one was just entirely purple. and when i say fat doughnuts, i mean like, when you see it, it’s golden brown on both sides, and then it has that pale ring around the outside that the oil just never got to when they flipped ‘em in the fryer. that ring is the sexiest part of the doughnut, it’s like a stretch mark to show you how plump and decadent that particular doughnut is gonna be. not all doughnuts have those rings either; if you go to kroger or something, their old-fashioned doughnuts? just dry brown rings. probably a lot of factory doughnuts lack that pale ring, now that i’m thinking about it. it’s really a sign of some gourmet shit happening behind the scenes, somebody hand-cut that doughnut and fried it themselves. that’s how you know you’re eating something nice. probably worth the $3.50 i paid for it. well, maybe, that’s still kinda steep. 
my imagination was going like this the entire time i was at the coffee shop. i had seen them when i came in, and resolved to get out only on my way out, maybe two hours later. should i ask the cashier where they got those doughnuts from? would he even know? maybe they even made them in house, i thought. now THAT would be exciting! they did have a few food options on their menu. i think one lady next to me had some fried plantains or something. that would suggest they had a fryer, right? but then i figured, there’s no way, a coffee shop this size just wants to deal with a few baristas and that’s it, any fancy gourmet stuff would be brought in. it would be such a hassle to hire a pastry chef just to make doughnuts and scones, i don’t think the sales at a place this size would justify a batch of anything. i did daydream a little, however. made me want to work there so that i could figure out the secrets behind the counter. maybe there’s a real master doughnut-maker back there, and i could pick up at least that juicy little talent from working there, if nothing else.
this is what sent me down into a spiral. flipping through all of my past jobs, half regretful, wondering what exactly i took with me when i left. the job i have right now is the only one i’ve ever formally considered to be a real skill builder, a real job that actually means something. yet that doesn’t mean i’ve just been wasting all my career-building opportunities up until this point, does it? i always imagined that jobs through high school college were just, in general, real time wasters, real whatevers. you could literally have whatever job you wanted and not feel a tinge of regret about it, as long as it paid something. internships were for rich kids, kids that had their parents plan out their careers for them and finance it all the way through. retail jobs, cashier jobs, delivery jobs, these were there for kids who were gonna figure it all out later. normal people. looking back on it now, though, i really would do it differently. i would at least like, have a theme to the kinds of jobs i was going for, you know? jobs that logically led from one to the other, building up tips and tricks that would make you way more impressive to your coworkers down the line. this is probably also a false regret too, because there are those people that change their career paths like, really late in their lives. like they were a nurse for 30 years and now they wanna learn how to be a real estate agent, just from scratch. it’s brave, and i’m sure they sometimes wish they could have gone back and done things differently too, just started with the thing they loved before they knew they loved it. or maybe not, maybe they needed to hate something before they learned what they love...who knows.
what did i learn from my jobs then? i just wanted to go down the list and put together little stories, or sketches, rather. i know this isn’t exactly the most readable thing, and i don’t really expect anybody to read it. it’s entirely biographical and probably entirely boring, but it’s a fun exercise for me, at any rate. if you’re the kind of person that enjoys this sort of thing, i’m beaming on the inside for the both of us. anyway, here we go!
1. Goodwill Associate. Cashier, stock guy, master of all trades. Or at least the shitty ones this was my first ever job, I guess when I was 18 the summer out of high school. I had a couple of school-sanctioned volunteer roles when I was younger, but I don’t really consider those as anything in a career sense. Just an extension of school. My first actual job was here in retail, and kind of like really on the bottom of the totem pole, retail-wise. It was minimum wage. There wasn’t any real structure to the product, no departments, no red tape, no security wires on the expensive stuff. It was just bare bones, donated stuff, a little bit of a Wild West vibe, if i’m being honest. prices were determined by managers in the back. they’d just write the prices on everything in marker. anything without a price tag like that, like most of the clothing, the cashiers would just guess at what products were being handed to them and ring them up like that. looks like a unisex shirt, 1.99. pants with women’s sizes on the back tag, 3.99. customers sometimes would try to haggle, and sometimes they’d succeed! you can’t do that at sears. people would just buy fake stuff knowing it was fake and not be bothered by it. the main purpose of the employees was just to clean up the mess, and make everything look somewhat organized, keep stuff off the floor.
there were a couple of roles you could take working at a place like this. first off, everybody was a cashier, but you weren’t supposed to linger at the cash register. the primary thing you’d do is run clothes, which meant, rolling out a rack from the back full of clothes that had been already “processed” and just transfer them onto the racks out on the store floor. basically until the racks on the floor were jam-packed and you couldn’t do anymore. this was my least favorite thing, and to be honest i don’t remember doing it much. the rolling racks in the back were called “z-racks,” because the bottoms of them were held together with metal  shaped like z’s. probably my first brush with industry-specific terminology. they have z-racks in culinary too, but they’re something different, still with the same z-shape on the top and bottom holding them together. 
then there was “housewares,” which meant basically that you wandered around the housewares department all day, making an attempt to organize everything within reason. put everything upright with the price clearly visible. this was a real nightmare job, but a relatively stress-free one. sometimes a haitian family would stroll through and ruin your entire day’s work. the kids really just did whatever they wanted and left every toy in the middle of the floor, the parents paying absolutely no attention. it was a real thankless job, akin to hanging out in tartarus rolling rocks up a hill over and over again just to see it roll back down the next day.
cashier was the most rewarding part, i think, just because it’s the only aspect that forced interaction with the customers. that’s still my favorite part of most jobs i’ve had, i think, the opportunity to meet people and interact with someone new. of course, at a place like goodwill, you weren’t really all that excited about most of the clientele, but you could definitely walk out of there with a few stories. i was pretty young back then too, so i was prone to developing crushes on a few regulars, even attempting to flirt now and then, which became mostly nonexistent in my later jobs because it’s just, i don’t know. inappropriate, i guess. crass. unprofessional. and, in this day and age, a little creepy. but cashiering was an easy way to pick up at least a few social skills, whether you’re arguing your way through a stubborn customer who’s trying to save a dollar on some kid shoes, or shooing away a 35 year old gay man who, for whatever reason, has the hots for you. it was a nice exposure, though certainly removed from most retail experiences, just given the nature of the place. 
i never worked retail behind the counter again after that, especially after i started working in a couple of malls, because ACTUAL retail cashiers, the ones who make commission on their sales and have quotas for how many credit cards they get people to sign up for, they always seemed like real prisoners to the system. that notion always scared me, and kept me looking towards the background areas, the stock rooms and employee-only hallways. when you got into REAL retail, i didn’t want to be a part of it.
2. Von Maur, “Stock and Housekeeping,” stay in my department? this whole damn place is my department!
this job was a nice one, i stayed for a whole year before moving on. that doesn’t sound like much, but i’m pretty sure it’s my second or third longest running job out of all the ones i’ve had. von maur was a department store at one of the malls around here, a store they call an “anchor” because it’s on the edge of the mall complex. malls are usually designed to have multiple anchors, big stores for general shopping like macy’s and sears, with a bunch of little stores all scattered throughout, stores with more specialized targets. you often have to walk through the anchor stores to get in and out of the mall to one of the parking lots, so they’re usually stores with multiple departments, something for everybody.
von maur is considered kind of a high-end store, more expensive than macy’s, more upscale brands, but it’s not like walking straight into a coach store. it has a very old-fashioned customer service feel to it. the cashiers are all required to dress in formal wear, suits and dresses, clean-shaven. very strict dress code. the customer service section is a long desk in the back of the store with multiple ladies there to help, tables right behind them for gift-wrapping, especially during the holiday season. the clothing racks are all shoulder height or lower, you can see every department from any part of the store, and each department has gilded gold lettering above each register area, with different colors of carpets indicating when you were leaving one section from the other. and each department had a special name too, not just “men’s” or “women’s.” it was Juniors. Traditional. Contemporary. Gifts. very classy categorizations that made you feel a certain way just standing there, albeit sometimes they were kind of arbitrary.
it seems silly to even point out these kinds of things, but i’ve grown an immense fondness for this clean kind of layout now that i’ve spent some time in a few other department stores. most places make no fucking sense whatsoever, they’re designed like mazes to get lost in. pillars everywhere, obstructions going all the way up to the ceiling, no way to determine exactly how big the entire store is or where your next stop should be. pay attention next time you go to a jc penny. it’s a real shitshow. even the employees seem like they’re just stranded and forgotten about on little islands, and only the real savvy ones know their way back to the stock rooms without getting lost. at von maur, you could wave to your pal in the “Better Sportswear” department without having to step a foot outside of your designated carpet area (which you actually weren’t allowed to do, unless you were going to the bathroom).
i did not work in any of these departments. i was in charge of cleaning the place, bathrooms and dock areas, sweeping the vast floors, spot removal, light bulbs. you name it. all the custodial stuff. i worked nights, so i had minimal involvement with the trucks, but i did collect transfers to other stores at the end of the night, and pack up trucks with this product. it was the first job i had where you could really get in hurt, or in trouble, if you didn’t follow procedures properly. had to lock up the truck a certain way. had to fill out the paperwork just right. had to get the million pound brick of cardboard out of the bale machine without getting crushed. had to make sure the trash compactor didn’t get all fucked up, had to make sure you were using the right chemicals on the carpets, had to learn the most efficient ways to clean all four bathrooms before any customer even noticed you closed them down. it was a very self-reliant, self-sufficient job. managers stayed out of your face because they didn’t really know what all it was you were responsible for. you carried a radio because you could be anywhere in the store at any given time, even on the roof. you were completely unfettered, you could run errands for the feeble sales associates who couldn’t leave their sections, but only if you really liked them that day. 
it was great, and the organization of the store itself helped shape your own daily routines. i worked with a few assholes, and the pay was still minimum wage, but i had a couple of pals that i looked forward to seeing every day. it was behind the scenes, but not too behind the scenes. you didn’t have to be responsible for any of the customers because your uniform said hey, i just clean the toilets lady, buzz off. the only areas of the store that really interested me were the areas i wasn’t allowed to access, which would irk anybody who has almost complete access to any room, see rooms that most managers wouldn’t even ever see. the “other” behind the scenes groups. the alterations department. the loss prevention room. there was one room called like “display” or something, which just had all of the various props and baubles they used to decorate the store with year round. they even had an entire staff dedicated to that job, but i’d see them around pretty rarely. it fascinated me seeing people who were even more hidden away than i was, and i was the guy doing shit people just took for granted. like polishing the water fountains, or cleaning the employee lunchroom microwaves.
in the end, though, it was basically a dead-end job, i mean there’s only so much you can learn about glass cleaner before you feel like it’s time to move on. some people stay at those jobs for years, whole lives, and that just doesn’t make sense to me.
3. Pizza Delivery Guy, the famous Two-Dayer
there isn’t a whole lot to say about this one. this was when i was “between colleges,” and the first time i ever tried to have a job on college campus, a school that i was not going to and had no familiarity with. it was also my only ever “spite job.” here’s the scenario leading up to it:
i was probably like twenty years old, or 19. i was involved with this high school girl i had met through??? facebook maybe, she was a quick friend of mine. her family was a real Business Starter type family, her dad and uncle had a string of restaurants that they had tried to start up here and there, with varying success. i met her around the same time i started first cooking for myself, and it was something that brought me enjoyment, so the prospect of going to business with these guys was something that began to grow on me. her uncle had just started up a new place on campus, i think it was called Fito’s, named after her grandpa. this peruvian joint with authentic peruvian street food. the first place i had ever eaten yuca fries, and i think they had an award winning salsa at some point. anyway, the plan was for me to work there as one of the cooks, which was exciting to me! because i would have a mentor and i’d be getting into a new field that i was at least partly interested in, and i’d be developing a skill that i could apply to everyday life. i was gonna be a cook. i would pop in here and there all the time, before they actually got the place up and running, having small meetings with her dad, her uncle. i wasn’t really as involved as all that, i mean, i was still just a kid.
long story short, they hired this other guy to be the cook. whatever. i didn’t have experience anyway. they wanted me to do delivery instead. i said fine, at least i get to be involved with a place i actually kind of care about. walked me through where the delivery area was going to begin and end. hadn’t quite worked out all the kinks. come back for another meeting. i’d show up for another meeting, they weren’t there, come back tomorrow. not there again, having work done. come back later. the restaurant opens. still working on setting up the whole delivery thing, just wait on it. at some point, i got really frustrated with getting yanked around by the dick all the time, so after one failed meeting, i walked two doors down the street and landed a job as a driver at this place called New York Pizza Department the very same day. job search done, you can always find an easy job in the city. i think i even started work that very same day.
the trick to the story? never trust a place that hires you the same day they meet you. if they’re that desperate to fill the role, the role probably sucks ass. and it did. my first day was on saint patrick’s day, and i did a 12 hour shift from 6pm to 6am. i was expected to learn register and some minimal oven work, but mostly do garbage work like sweeping the floors, folding boxes, yada yada. it was all kind of vague. nobody in particular trained me. i was told to just stand over somebody’s shoulder and learn how the ordering works, which didn’t do anything for me. nobody explained a damn thing. i spilled ice all over the floor trying to refill the machine, nobody had taught me the trick to it. it was a really frustrating experience because i expected to like, shadow someone, at least for like an hour or something, but there was no guidance whatsoever. i mostly sat out by the back door and pretended like i smoked. i was never introduced to the chefs, they were all mexicans that didn’t really speak english, as far as i could tell, yet i was expected to ask them for stuff. my car was parked in a mud pit in the back, and i would ruin my pants every time i climbed in. i got two parking tickets. i used my gps for everything (the days before i had a smartphone), which was unreliable, especially when some asshole student wanted a pizza in one of the address-less school buildings. it was a real mess.
i felt kinda ashamed, especially after my second day when i delivered a pizza like 2 hours late because i couldn’t find the damn place. my dad had been a delivery guy for years, and it felt really dumb that i couldn’t pick up the job for myself. it felt like i was really, really wasting my time, and the dumb place was not worth it to begin with. i only got the job to make the other guys jealous, i think. my third shift was supposed to be a 19-hour day, so i skedaddled with my sub 100 buck paycheck, where my name was misspelled. both the peruvian place and that pizza place are gone now, replaced by something else.
honorable mention: Graeter’s Ice Cream, stealing jobs from children
barely even remember this one, but i did do an ice cream kiosk at the mall for like two weeks. i quit because scooping ice cream was making my wrist hurt pretty severely, and i wasn’t aware at the time that eventually the pain stops if you just keep at it. all of my coworkers were high school kids, even the two or three people that outranked me, and it was half humiliating, half hilarious. a lot of people there were very specific with training me properly, i think teenagers love telling older people what to do, but they all said different things. i don’t think any of them actually knew the exact details of their job duties, they were all just kind of winging it. they gossiped a lot about boys at their school, which i’m pretty sure was some isolated suburb school outside of the city proper. i was 22 or 23 at the time and had very little to contribute. i don’t think i ever took the job that seriously, and pretty much quit on a whim. it was a little bittersweet, though; the day before i left, they were just about to get a real hardass old lady manager that was about to whip the place back into shape. i regret not being around for that so that i could actually figure out what i was meant to be doing, but you can’t pretend to be a kid forever, no matter how cute and young you look with your little hat and name tag.
4. Macy’s fulfillment center, dissociation at it’s finest
this job was during a kind of sad point in my life, and it was largely a desperation move on my part. i think i had just graduated college, sent out hundreds of applications for jobs “in my field,” and heard back from none of them. i had bills piling up, from somewhere, and i really needed to get back in the saddle. malls are always reliable places to get jobs, if you ever need one quick and easy, and i just wanted to get back out into the world again. i wasn’t meeting new people anymore, didn’t have any classes to look forward to, and my education was proving to be rather useless. getting back into the mall system was kind of an eye roll at this point, but i knew it was something i could do, back of the store stock work.
this time around, i was exclusively a morning man, which comes with its own requirements and adaptions. we unloaded trucks three days a week, processed damages and transfers and returns and whatnot all the other days. broke down cardboard. the entire job was basically opening up boxes, removing plastic from copies of the same coat in multiple sizes, tearing styrofoam off of handbags, clipping security rings on the expensive stuff, and calling it a day. separate everything by department and run it out onto the floor before the store opens. usually by the time the store opens, it’s time to go home. michael kors was a bad word to us stock guys, because all of his handbags had like seventeen separate pieces of plastic, tape, and styrofoam around all the various pieces of each purse, protecting every part of the bag’s anatomy from damage, dust, whatever. it was ridiculous. there were mummification jokes somewhere in there. in any case, it was a job any idiot could do. i think i was marked as a “seasonal” employee too, so i really wasn’t given a whole lot to do, or very many hours. i did eventually get a few more duties as time went on and the dock manager grew more trustworthy of me. he was this big bald guy that listened to a lot of rock music, and didn’t put up with bullshit. he had me go around the store changing the lightbulbs a few times, which is not something you just let a dummy do. at von maur, i had to maneuver this massive industrial ladder and bring a dozen different bulbs with me, know how to mark lights that had bulbs changed and needed new ballasts, knew how to remove things from various sockets, open up skylights and reach through ceiling tiles, all while not falling to my death or getting shocked. that’s how i knew this guy trusted me.
this coincided with what i would consider a mini “internship” with the duties on the second floor, where the fulfillment offices were located. fulfillment means dealing with online orders, pulling specific products and getting them processed for delivery. and by “office” i mean a room with two computers, scanners, printers a shit ton of different sized boxes and bags, bubble wrap, packing tape, and apparently a whole lot of stress. there was a single dude working up there, and during christmas time, he was overwhelmed like crazy. i think he was actually going kind of crazy, to be honest. he knew the system pretty well, but still struggled with a lot of stuff, complained like a motherfucker, sang along to the radio but made up his own lyrics because he thought it was funnier. he was annoying but i liked having him around because he knew all the secrets to this job. like a gatekeeper. i could go to any other manager in the store and they wouldn’t really know what the fuck was going on in that office, couldn’t make sense of how or why orders showed up on those computers, couldn’t navigate them without calling another store to guide them through it, which they never did. it was really weird seeing what i thought was a polished corporate system so damn shaky beneath the foundation.
anyway, the dude quit that job before things really ramped up for the season. i was the only one in the department for a long time after that, and i barely knew what i was doing. he was the gatekeeper, and he left go back to his job at the waffle house pretty much overnight. i struggled for a while. most things got sent out ok, but i had a few “express” and “two day priority” packages that sat around for a few weeks through christmas because they required some special wizardry to get those specific labels to print off the computers. basically at the beginning of each day, you’d have a list of items to collect, and would spend the rest of the time hunting for those pieces out on the store floor, bring them back to the office, bag and box them up, and process the correct labels and gift cards for each and every one. and it was a real ball ache sometimes because certain items were just impossible to find, especially if they were returns that we didn’t normally carry in the store, clearance items, fucking women’s shoes, comforters with specific thread counts, dresses with the wrong picture, or no picture at all...
i took charge, though. i stuck around, i made uncomfortable phone calls to post offices, i got down a technique for folding and packaging shirts and dresses and all kinds of random stuff, got better at finding items that would normally be lost to the void. i could find shit in departments that people who actually worked those departments could not find. i became the epitome of efficiency. i was the new gatekeeper. at the end of every day, i’d have a blank order list, because everything would be accounted for, or passed on to another store. no bullshit. definitely the most involved i had ever been at any job. nobody at that store knew how that system worked better than me.
long story short, i was still the “seasonal” guy, and i think my bosses expected i didn’t plan on working there very long. they kept replacing the fulfillment manager with other people who barely knew what they were doing, essentially requiring me, the gatekeeper, to train my bosses, which to me was just absurd. after a few months, outraged, i quit to work at a cafe, and told my manager why i was upset that i was being shafted, not given the responsibility, the hours, the sweet sweet full-time position. she was surprised, apparently, and told me she absolutely would have given it to me if she knew i was interested. a missed communication. it was too late.
i’m glad i didn’t get promoted there, anyway, or else i would probably still be stuck there. i think that position got phased out of the system (along with the entire store, eventually), replaced by having the department managers coming in like, an hour early to pick all the orders out of their separate departments. probably more efficient. and in the end, i was really only interested in the complete and total power, not in the job itself. it’s still only retail
5. The Cornerstone Cafe, welcome to the family
this was my first actual job in the food service industry, at a cafe that i frequented pretty regularly, and this was also the first place where i properly ascended “through the ranks,” as they say. my longest lasting job to date, spanned about two and a half years, i think. it was owned by this married couple from indonesia, and i was hired on to replace one of their drivers. obviously i had to fudge the details of my previous driving gig to get this one, and i still kind of lacked confidence that i was really up to the task, but at least it was in a neighborhood that i was vaguely familiar with. i was also finally working at a place where i really cared whether or not they were successful. at someplace like macy’s, graeter’s, you’re just a cog, and not a very special one. at this place, they had maybe 5 or 6 employees in total on any given day, including one or both of the owners, and each of you had to be versatile, knowledgeable, and basically on top of your shit at all times. 
even as a delivery driver, i was informed and trained on at least 3 or 4 different roles. here’s how to be a cashier. here’s how to wash the dishes in a 3 compartment sink. here’s how i need you to sweep the floors, run food to the customers, here’s how to make this drink and that drink, here’s the size of the small salad, here’s the size of the regular salad, and when you fuck up, you can be sure as hell we’re gonna get on you for it until you do it the right way. no funny business. it was the kind of direction i enjoyed, something that makes you feel secure and stable when you get it down. i memorized the menu fully in maybe two weeks, which was no small feat. on the driving side, i picked up a lot of info about how streets are laid out, which ways were east and west, which side of the street certain numbers were on, which houses tipped and which houses didn’t, which addresses were businesses, which were apartments, etc etc. every customer has a different expectation and the job trains you to adapt. think quickly. work quickly. multitask and do a dozen jobs at once. this was not a slow restaurant, folks, and if you spent too long trying to learn something, you were dead weight. a lot of dead weight got fired. a lot of dumbasses got hired, snorted coke in the bathroom, and got fired because they weren’t paying attention. even people who had been there for a few years struggled sometimes, or at least got flustered. it was hard work and really shaped my work ethic, moreso than all the nothing jobs i had before.
also the most money i’d ever made up to that point, and i felt like i was almost making like, a living? of course, i wasn’t, i just happened to be in possession of a lot of cash, like some drug dealer. delivery drivers carry a lot of cash, tips mostly, or ways to break twenties and stuff like that, and that’s what makes delivery driving one of the most dangerous jobs out there! that’s what i read, anyway. i never got mugged or anything, but i’m pretty sure i was working in a pretty pussy neighborhood. driving was the easiest part, it was easy money compared to the madness of the dish room, the front counter, the kitchen line.
it was also an intensely intimate work relationship. it was a family business. i knew every single person that worked there. i was pals with all of them. i was out of school so i could work any shift, every shift, every position. i got trained to work in the kitchen, picked it up quick. learned a lot of prep work, picked up a few dozen different ways to cut an onion or a pepper. cooked batches of hard boiled eggs like they were nothing. made sandwiches like a madman, smacked people on the hands for trying to steal a french fry, threw cashiers out of the kitchen if they were getting in my way, and made my mark as a pillar of the establishment. they really grew to depend on me, which had its positives and negatives. 
the relationships grew very personal too, which also had positives and negatives. sometimes people really grated on me, personality-wise, and i endured them the same way you would an annoying uncle. others trusted me with stuff they really shouldn’t have, became incredibly comfortable giving me their secrets. i gave rides to people. took people grocery shopping, to do their laundry, mailed packages for people, made phone calls for people who weren’t confident with their english. more than once, i’ve had to drive home the guy who makes the chinese food because he would come into work mad drunk, and he only spoke spanish, so i would have to drop him off at a kroger nearby where i thought he lived. i knew a few people pretty personally, even the owners who still cheer and recognize me to this day, still let me go in the back and make my own food if there are no objections. i’m permanently a part of that family, and i worked my way into it fair and square. they still ask me to come back and work a weekend every now and then, and i always refuse.
it was one of those jobs where eventually, you just learn how to do everything, because at some point, you gotta do everything. there were days when i would both be the sandwich chef and the driver, a really sketchy balance. days when i would be covering three people at once. there is such a thing as being too dependable, too good at your job, because then people start taking advantage of you. people calling off for nothing knowing you could probably cover for them. your boss asking you to work an extra 5 hours on any given day. the head cook quitting for a month, forcing you to do his job when you really had no interest in firing fifteen dozen bagels at six in the morning, seven days a week. and being in a position like that makes it a lot harder to leave, even when you know you have to move on to bigger and better things, when you’ve learned everything and don’t want to be stuck in one place. that was really the hard part about that place, leaving your family to figure it out for themselves. in the end, though, it’s not really your family, it’s only business. i was starting to get this idea in my head about becoming a pastry chef at the time, and i was getting antsy about being stuck there.
i quit the job on the excuse that i was going back to school to study culinary, came back a few months later anyway to work 20 hour weeks. eventually made a connection or two in college that landed me a job on the pastry team at the convention center downtown, where i work now. but i think those stories are best saved for a time when i’m not like, employed by them. i’m still looking ahead, though, and again growing anxious about moving on to develop more skills.
probably why i was thinking about those damn doughnuts at that coffee place. i feel like there’s still a lot of pastry-related stuff i need to learn, stuff that i could have picked up on along the way before getting into The Big Leagues. bakeries and cafes and grocery stores i could have worked in. tricks of the trade i missed out on. granted, i am getting a lot of that now, but the job i’m currently holding is much more suited for somebody who already had a wealth of knowledge to build off of. maybe that’s why i’m taking this weird sojourn into “well, what have i actually learned so far?” trying to work at a bakery at this point feels like i’m going backwards, settling for less money to pick up skills i should already know. the next logical would be, i don’t know, a country club i guess? people always ask about starting my own bakery, and i know i’m not ready for that. sometimes i feel like i still don’t know a damn thing about food creation, how flavors go together. the more difficult techniques, decorating cakes and sugar work. even with simple techniques i’m sure i could use some refinement. and i’m always worthless when my boss comes to me for help with writing a menu. i don’t have tricks in my back pocket beyond what i’ve learned there, and i’m not as studious as i should be with trying new recipes in my personal time. depression gets in the way of that pretty regularly.
anyway, that’s all i can think to write for now. i know it’s a pretty worthless read, but sometimes you just gotta write for writing’s sake.
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dimancheetoile · 6 years
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the snow is bleeding red (ShikaSaku)
part 1 of the “The Haruno Clan is a samurai clan”
part 2 - part 3
Read it on AO3!
There is nothing easy about those missions. It's the third one Shikamaru has been involved in, and only the second in which he is the honeytrap. He knows it's usually ANBU territory, because those guys are trained to endure and overcome the kind of emotional toll it takes on you. Once in a while, though, when none of the black ops are available, or if they need a complimentary skillset to their human bait, they'll call a standard jonin. That's where he comes in.
Ino-Shika-Chō is a interrogation squad, it has always been. That's what they're good at; gathering intel, making people talk, fooling them into giving up the information. Shikamaru knows how easily it would have fallen onto Ino's shoulders if he hadn't stepped up to volunteer. He knows himself, he won't be able to do it for long, but it's better than watching his best friend wither so soon. It doesn't change the fact that he wants to scratch every inch of his skin and soak in a bath so long he might drown.
The mission is far from over, though. He was asked to get intel on the Haruno Clan, a samurai family from Iron which still served the major Houses. Their specific skillset made them more appealing that shinobi for some jobs, enough that they remained the wealthiest clan in the country. Shikamaru familiarized himself with the samurai customs and knows how common it is for the youngest members to seek other men's company when they leave their teacher. Posing as a refined escort was the easiest way in.
So far he only had one client, a twenty-something arrogant boy with ruby hair -a recognisable trait of the clan- and a constant smirk on his pretty face. Getting him to talk is the hardest part. The samurai brags and talks about his achievements, but never slips a word about his clan or what their aim is. Shikamaru suspects they're aiming for the Daimyo seat but has yet to find any evidence to back up his claim.
The hotel he's staying in is the most expensive of the capital, a city twice as big as Konoha and from the look of it, twice as poor. It's nowhere close to Kiri or Suna, but it is obvious Sanrōgakure has a clear divide between the richest and the poorest of its citizens. He packed as well as he could, but a good chunk of his mission money went into the finest winter clothing he could find. The cold is burning his cheeks every time he leaves his room, so bad he had to buy some kind of cream made of fat to prevent frostbite.
Shikamaru had to build quite the reputation when he got here in order to get the attention of the samurai. He's stopped counting the number of baths he took since arriving to the Land of Iron. Sanrō has a pool of customers looking for a good time, and even by picking the wealthiest clients, he still had a number of highly unpleasant time before Ōkei of the Haruno Clan noticed him.
Ōkei is expecting him again the next day, and though he hasn't asked for sex yet, Shikamaru knows it's going to happen. It's cultural for them and it's a mission for him, so there's no way he'll do anything to stop it. Nevermind that the sheer thought of it makes him sick. That's the main reason while he's curled up on the chair next to the window, a blanket around his shoulders as he watches the snow fall quietly on the city. The night is darker here that he's ever seen it in Konoha, a southern land where the days are sunny and long. Here, night falls quicker than you expect it and brings with it a storm every three or four days.
He's contemplating getting up to make another pot of tea when there is a knock on his door. Shikamaru frowns. He's not supposed to see Ōkei until the morning and he has stopped informing the patrons of the hotel of his availability. Usually, when they hear about his work with Ōkei, and the Haruno Clan by proxy, the back down easily. Shikamaru sighs. In any case, the visitor isn't leaving if the repeated knocking is to be trusted, and he is tired enough to want to deal with this as quickly as possible.
Shikamaru leaves the blanket on the chair and crosses the large room to answer the door. He has to bite his lip not to make a sound of surprise when he sees the pink hair and broad frame of the woman in front of him. She's clearly a Haruno, and one of the few samurai on top of that. He hasn't heard much about the women of the clan, most of them secluded to their estate or having small jobs in the city. Iron isn't as advanced as Konoha, and he can count on one hand the number of female samurai he's seen, let alone talked to.
As soon as the door is opened, the woman barges into the room and closes it behind her. She's still in battle armour, which would already be highly unusual, but her face is bruised and it doesn't look like the kind of injury you get from a fight. Shikamaru grits his teeth and crosses his arms, knowing that she won't bulge until he's heard what she wants.
"I'm giving you one million ryo if you fuck me before morning."
Shikamaru almost chokes in surprise, his eyes widening at the dead serious expression on the woman's face. She looks a few years older than him, maybe twenty-five, but he's never seen such dead eyes on someone who isn't a shinobi. He doesn't know the samurai that well, but he doesn't get the impression they do job as bloody as shinobi do. And to offer him that much money means she's hiding something, something big. One million ryo is twice what he's paid for the entire mission.
"What's the catch?" He asks to buy himself some time. He needs to figure out if she's important in the clan. If so, he might be able to ditch Ōkei entirely and focus on her.
"There's no catch. Men don't like samurai women and I'm very frustrated."
Shikamaru almost buys it. She looks confident, standing straight in the room with her armour catching the light of the lanterns. But he sees the tremors in her hands, curled into loose fists at her side. That woman is either furious or terrified, and the bruises make him believe in the latter. One million ryo, though, and she might have the information he's looking for.
"How do you want me?" He says quietly, taking a step in her direction. He doesn't miss the discreet flinch in her arrogant smile.
"Fuck me into the mattress, pretty boy, let me remember it."
And so Shikamaru complies. It takes him all of eight minutes to notice something is very, very wrong. She naked from the waist up, only a pair of cotton under-armour covering her legs. Her armour is on the floor, where his clothes joined it a minute ago. He took her to the bed where she sat down, watching him undress with a stony face. She doesn't comment on his scars, unusual for an escort, and he says nothing about the bruises on her arms and belly as he goes down in from of her. As soon as he lays an hand on her thigh, she tenses up like he's hurt her and her breathing quickens.
Shikamaru slowly moves up and kisses her neck, kneeling between her opened legs. Had he been anywhere else than pressed against her throat, he would have missed the whimper that escapes her at the gesture. He stops immediately and backs off. Eight minutes.
"Are you a virgin?" He frowns, her eyes meeting his in a defiant look.
"So what if I am?"
"I don't do virgin."
He goes back on his feet and gathers his clothes, slipping his pants back on. A hand on his arm stops him from covering more.
"I wont beg, but I can offer you more money. Name a price."
Again, she looks fearless and angry, when a second before she was petrified under his mouth. Something feels so wrong.
"Okay what is it. There someone you want to impress? Scared to look stupid in front of your friends?"
She scowls, brave and fierce like he's never seen a shinobi be. That's the samurai's honour, right here. As easily as she grabbed him, though, she releases his arm and sits down on the bed. Suddenly, she looks tired, almost defeated.
"How much do you want?"
"Tell me."
She sighs and closes her eyes. With a shaking hand, she rubs a bruise on her cheek.
"I need you to fuck me so the clan can't sell me to the noble they've been trying to make a deal with. He won't take me if I'm not a virgin. The Elders say I've been a fighter too long and it's time to make up for the time and money it cost to train me. Now I must pull my weight for the clan and serve my real purpose."
"What happens to you if you don't marry the noble? If he doesn't want you?"
She looks away, towards the window. "The clan will banish me and burn my name from the family scroll. I'll be a rōnin."
"And that doesn't bother you?"
In a instant, she's gone. He turns around, his hand going for a weapon pouch he doesn't find, but it's too late already. There is a blade on his throat and two naked breasts pressed against his back.
"Do I seem like a placid, civilian wife to you? I'd rather die than become that man's thing."
"Then why don't you run?" He swallows, the blade tracing a line of blood on his skin.
"Because they'll come after me. I won't be a rōnin, I'll be a traitor. And they'll chain me if they need to, before giving me over to him. I'm good, pretty boy, but I don't stand a chance against the entire Haruno samurai force."
He frowns. "They'd send everyone after you?"
"I'm Haruno Sakura," she snorts like it explains everything.
And it does. He's only heard of the heiress once, from Ōkei, and it was in terms he couldn't help to remember. He's never seen so much hatred and respect battling in a single man's eyes. Now he understands why. She holds the Clan's future in her hands and apparently, she's been their secret weapon for a long time, good enough to never be linked to Haruno-hime, the pretty heiress of the samurai clan.
"I'd rather be dishonored and exiled than a traitor in chains or a noble's plaything. Now let me repeat the question, pretty boy. What you're price?"
Shikamaru swallows again and gently pushes the blade out of his throat. He turns around and look at the fierce woman with a steady sword and a shaking hand.
"I'll do you pro bono."
There is a certain satisfaction in knowing he took part in the fanciest shit show the Land of Iron has ever witnessed. Haruno Sakura is absolutely terrifying when she storms into her future former clan's estate, in full ceremonial armour. He's following a couple of steps behind and enjoys every second of the chaos she creates by entering the Council room with a stranger.
The Elders are there, with the General and a middle-aged man wrapped in an expensive red kimono. They all gasp when she slams the doors open and barges into the room. She looks down right triumphant.
"Honoured Clan Head, Respectable Elders, let me introduce you to my lover! I don't actually know his name, so you'll have to excuse the breach in protocol. He's amazing in bed, though, so I felt it evened out."
(he's really not, but he'll let her have her fun. She deserves as much)
"Sakura-hime! What is the meaning of this!"
"The meaning of this, dearest father, is that I'm kindly asking you to all go fuck yourselves and your outdated traditions. If you want so badly to make an alliance with this pig, why don't you take his cock? You seemed so eager to let me have it, I thought you'd like having a taste yourself!"
"How-"
"Shut your fucking mouth! I am a samurai, a Battlemaster blessed by the Sanrōyama shrine. You will not sell me like I'm a fancy piece of furniture!"
She draws her sword and they all recoil in fear. But she only grins and slips the wooden pin out of her long hair. It cascades along her back before reaching her thighs. He's heard of the gesture but he realises how important it is when the collective gasp of outraged fuckers echoes in the room. She gathers all her hair in one hand, and with a swipe of her katana, cuts it as close to the skull as she can. Then she drops it on the negotiation table and spits on the floor.
"Here's my Haruno legacy. I exile myself from this fucking clan and I'll be an amazing rōnin a couple of continents away from you motherfucking cunts."
On those words, she storms out of the room again and Shikamaru dutifully follows her until they've left the estate. Only then does she look at him, her seething eyes softening at the peace on his face.
"Now, nameless stranger. I've been through your stuff tonight and I'm not that sure you're an escort. I'd bet on a Leaf nin, but who knows these days."
Shikamaru sighs but doesn't deny. His mission is ruined and it's entirely his fault for sympathizing with this strange, brave woman.
"I have another deal for you," she grins, the pride behind it erasing the anger.
"I'm not sleeping with you again."
She raises an eyebrow. "I've said nothing about sleeping. I'm assuming you weren't there because you fancied Ōkei that much. So here's the deal. I'm telling you everything about the Haruno Clan and all I know on Iron's government."
"What the catch?" He says, an echo of the previous night hidden in his cunning smile.
"There no catch. But you'll take me to Konoha, and you will make me a shinobi."
Shikamaru grins.
"Deal."
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Interview: RIVAL UNIT
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Rival Unit are a North West based alt-rock razor pop band, with some exciting new tracks on the way. With a busy 2019 packed full of gigs, we chatted about future plans, good, bad and ugly gigs, and the Interchangeable Lesbian Problem. Keep an eye out for their April headliner show at EBGBS.
Formed back in 2017, Rival Unit have been playing as a four piece for about 18 months. Their punky sound is something I’m always excited to hear on the scene, and its peppered with influences from the eclectic taste of all four members: “…our first release is definitely very punky- it’s matured into something that isn’t quite the same thing. Some band members listen to like Prog Rock. We end up listening to Blink and even stuff as poppy as Paramore. A few of us listen to stuff like CHVRCHES and The Knife and some electronica stuff- we haven’t introduced that yet! It’s the ethos of a band- a tune’s a tune. It’s not a genre thing. If it sounds good we’ll do it.”
I dig it- and I’m delighted to hear the band have released music available on all platforms, with more on the way. “We should have something out coming at end of January. We’ve just had that mastered and it sounds boss. I mean, we’re biased, but… yeah, we’ve got one coming out each month.” The band records their stuff at Vulcan studios. “We have a good relationship with Gary in there- he listens to what we all have to say. I’ve been in studio environments before and they ask “What do you think of the vocals?” and they look at the drummer because the drummer’s a fella. That used to wind me up something rotten. So, because we’ve got a good working relationship with him I’m really reluctant to go somewhere else. (…) It’s definitely got better. We’re not there yet. The first time Danny and I were working together, I’d be carrying the gear and someone would ask me where my boyfriend was and why I was carrying all the gear, and you sort of sit there and go, “He doesn’t exist…” In a lot of ways it has improved, but now you tend to get radio silence instead of comments you used to get and that’s not good either.” 
I know that story all too well- but its fantastic the band have such a reliable producer. What about gigs? I wonder if it’s ever a struggle fitting in on a line up with their alternative sound. “Yeah... It’s gotten a bit better of late as we’ve become a little more established. We’ve been getting on stage with more music that's similar to us. We’ve been on a few where it’s started off with an acoustic act, then an ambient or electronic act, then us and finishing with a heavy metal act. Half the crowd tend to go “See ya!” and clear off because they’re really there to just watch their mate’s band.”
“We did a gig with BITCH Palace at the Jacaranda; it was Leggy, Personal Best and Natalie and the Monarchy… and that was great because we were all similar enough to fit together so people would want to stay and watch the other bands. “But there was a gig before that where a different promoter put us on with an acoustic act and two indie boy bands. We’d written a new song, which we opened with. It’s actually called ‘Where Have All the Girlbands Gone?’ And it cleared the room. We got halfway through the first verse and everyone cleared out except for one lad at the back. And afterwards he came up to us at the end said you need to keep playing that song, its important. The band that was headlining- it was a showcase gig- said to me, “You’ve got to stay and watch all the bands!” And then they buggered off. And then one of them came up to me and said: “With your vocals, you really need to project them a lot more.” And I was like “I don’t sing mate. All I do is play the bass.” 
“It’s the interchangeable lesbian problem init.”
“Two fat women with short hair- you must’ve been one of them. I was, but not the right one.”
That experience sounds like an absolute shocker. It must cost promoters some cracking bands if the experience isn’t friendly and personable. “In our experiences, the promoters that have been spot on have all been women. We've also found that we get grouped together with ‘Female Fronted’ bands as a genre. In fact, there was a row on Facebook… someone was looking to fill dates and wanted a specific ‘Female Fronted’ night. Some people were arguing that there should be at least one female fronted act on each night, and another girl commented that her band wasn’t fronted by a female, but she’s a female drummer.”
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We all agree that nights organised by genre is what the scene needs. “The showcase, it’s… just not a thing anymore- it makes a difference, taking a little bit more care and putting on four bands that fit together. If you think ‘alt rock’, you can still go from hard indie to pop punk. We decided earlier in the year that we weren’t gonna play any more showcases unless it was a venue that we were desperate to play. There’s a promoter called Revenge of the Riff, who is one of the lads from Last Reserves. He tends to put on  Hard rock, punk, metal- if you go to one of them you know what you’re gonna see. There’s not gonna be anything off the wall or avant garde… like Synth Jesus from Manchester.” I laughed a lot at that one. 
“If you put on nights like that, more people are gonna come in. The venues are gonna do better, and we’re not gonna lose any more. Showcases when they’re like that feel like a bit of a money grab. We did a couple of showcases in Manchester, and we got told that if we brought 10 people at about £5 a pop, then they’d pay us after that. And we brought 12 people, on like a Wednesday night in March or something. And the promoter disappeared after about an hour! 
“When promoters say you have to bring x amount of people, bands that have like 400 followers on Facebook, its just not gonna happen. The promoter’s either got to suck it up a bit and charge more for tickets, or you’ve got to work out a way that its financially viable to do. Some people’s family and friends come to everything they do- we’ve seen that a lot with bands coming out of LIPA supporting one another. But the age we are, our friends have got kids, jobs. “I know it’s Monday… but could you get a babysitter and come to this gig. We’re on at like half nine, and its like an hour away from where you live…”
That makes sense- sometimes, the problem with getting gigs can also just be the logistics of it, let alone the importance of actually matching others on the line up. “We’re a little older than most of the scene. We also have full-time jobs. So, when we do a gig we always make sure that at least one or two of us stay behind to watch everyone else, but we can’t all stay behind because some of us are in work at 5 or 6 in the morning.”
I’ve seen Rival Unit on line ups for events like BITCH Palace and WeWantWomen. I’m guessing then that nights like these are really important to the band. “There’s definitely a different atmosphere. Particularly with WeWantWomen; they want female artists, most of the crowd know what they’re coming to see. It sounds kinda brutal but you get less dickheads. Most of the time, the crowd is on your side anyway, especially because we’re British, it’s like- ‘I don’t wanna be embarrassed- please clap!’ But a lot of the people who do go to these events are people who want female artists to be at the forefront. “I think those nights are good for both but especially encouraging for people who are just starting out. If you've never done a gig before, it can be very intimidating but if you go, it's a relatively small crowd of 20-30 people, a lot of them are gonna be musicians as well, and they’re all on your side.”
“I feel like because its multimedia as well, there’s a lot more interest in the narrative rather than can you play or not. It was the first time I’d told the audience what the songs were about and people wanted to know. And that was lovely.” 
Both BITCH Palace and WeWantWomen welcome all disciplines on their line ups- I’ve bought works of art and earrings from BITCH Palace events, and have listened to poetry and more at WeWantWomen. And, most importantly, I’ve had the opportunity to chat to the artists at both events, which made them feel all the more special, like a real connection.
We can all agree that Liverpool is blessed with events and organisations like these. “…there are a lot of promoters, regardless of gender, who want to see that you've gone out and not failed. It’s similar to looking for a job but needing experience; it's the same sort of cycle where you’re not quite punching through. So nights like WWW are important for getting women onto that ladder. It’s a really tough experience.”
Indeed- we start to talk about the 50/50 line up rule, whereby festivals are encouraged to book equal numbers of male/female artists. “The main booking guy from the Scottish Festival ‘Transmit’ basically said that he couldn’t book a 50/50 line-up because there weren’t enough female artists out there. So I was thinking that Loud Women have this master-list of female performers, producers, promoters- and I thought, why doesn’t someone email him this?And, basically, shut him the fuck up? It’s a Google Doc, its constantly getting added to, and last time I looked there’s way over 300 artists on there.”
“He feels like he’s done his bit because there’s a lady stage. The Queen Tut Stage, named after King Tut’s in Glasgow. It’s the same thing as relegating women to ‘Female Fronted’ nights; feeling like they’ve solved the problem by giving them their own bit of field. “Go over there and stop making noise.” It may not have been the intent but its certainly the implication.” Indeed; it’s not all about satisfying a statistic anyway, what the rule is really trying to promote is a bit more integration.
“Something we’ve found quite difficult is that you have a lot of female specific groups. It’s great, and they wanna put on more female bands. Particularly some of them are really interested in putting on queer women, women of colour- we’re lesbians and married to each other, but because we’ve got two lads, it’s almost like you’re not queer enough to play with us. It’s almost like we’re not queer enough for some people but not straight enough for everyone else.
“Straight guys in particular don’t think that I have anything to say to them that’s relevant. We both fall in love with women; there’s a lot of similar experience there. A lot of the songs I’ve written about relationships, if a guy were singing them, there’d be a different perception to them. I struggle to understand that because, as long as it’s musically good, it doesn’t matter where it comes from… If something connects with you, it doesn’t matter who’s provided it.
“There seems to be a difference in reception. Straight women will acknowledge that a gay man has similar experiences to them, and vice versa. Gay guys listen to Madonna because she’s talking about relationships and sex with men in a way that they get. There seems to be a barrier- and a lot of the scene is male- so to broach that barrier as a lesbian is almost at times insurmountable. And its not all the guys on the scene. But there’s a certain group that I don’t feel I can reach at all, despite the fact that we’re talking about really similar life experiences.”
Some food for thought.
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Rival Unit recommend me their top bands to see live, categorised into locations. Liverpool- Last Reserves Merseyside/Northwest- Hummer Blackpool- Nana Whitepepper Hull- Last of the Wonderkids Bristol- Personal Best “…You’re not gonna enjoy every band you play with, but they’re some of our favourites. I think I’d be more weirded out if you were like “Everyone was BOSS! Now I have 300 bands to listen to!”’
Rival Unit’s single Out is released on February 1st on all platforms.
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“Body positivity” has become a buzzword concept of late. Even though the idea may be new to many, the movement grew out of the fat-acceptance movement of the late 60s. Today, influencers and brands are jumping on the body-positive bandwagon in hopes of capitalizing on the trend.
The core message of body positivity is that all people, but particularly people in marginalized bodies, have the right to exist peacefully and be treated with respect, regardless of their body’s size, shape, color, or ability.
It’s true that smaller women experience body policing and shaming (e.g., being asked if they have an eating disorder) and that arguably all women are negatively impacted by society’s unrealistic beauty standards. But it’s important to remember that body prejudice exists on a spectrum.
Women in larger bodies experience systemic discrimination for their size that affects every facet of their lives — from employment, to representation in the media, to access to clothing.
On the other hand, thin women and “straight-sized” women (those who wear clothing sizes that aren’t considered plus-size), either don’t have to worry about discrimination for their size, or deal with it to a lesser extent.
As a thin coach, I have heard from other coaches in the industry that they’re unsure of how they fit into the body positivity landscape because they haven’t experienced the type of widespread discrimination that burdens women in larger bodies. These coaches are often uncertain what role they should play, if any, in the movement to make sure that all bodies are treated equally.
For coaches who enjoy the benefit of thin privilege, it’s more important than ever to be a size-friendly coach. A size-friendly coach treats all of their clients with the same respect and dignity, regardless of their size, and attends to the unique needs of their clients of different sizes.
Being aware of your thin privilege will allow you to serve as an ally to your clients in marginalized bodies and stand up to the oppression they face.
What steps can you take as a coach to ensure you’re being size-friendly?
If you’ve never thought much about how your actions as a coach may affect your clients in larger bodies, here are some specific steps you can take to make sure that you’re being as size-friendly as possible.
1. Get to Know Your Clients (No, Really)
Get to know your clients as individuals, and don’t make assumptions about their abilities based on their size.
I have heard countless stories from women in larger bodies about coaches who made incorrect assumptions about their athletic abilities based solely on their body size. Coaches commonly operate on the belief that women in larger bodies are either exercise beginners or deconditioned.
You can’t tell anything about a person’s exercise history or strength just by looking at them. This is true for clients in both smaller and larger bodies.
For all you know, your thin and toned client hasn’t exercised in years, while your client in a larger body is a competitive trail runner. That’s why you should always complete a thorough intake and assessment to learn about a new client’s individual exercise history, limitations, and ability levels.
Once you understand your client’s background, make sure that you choose appropriate exercises. Certain exercises that you instruct your smaller clients to perform may be uncomfortable for some of your larger clients from a biomechanics standpoint. On the other hand, don’t automatically assume that clients in larger bodies can’t handle a challenge.
Programming for clients should be a collaborative process, so frequently check in with your clients about discomfort, level of difficulty, and level of enjoyment.
2. Avoid Putting Weight Loss on a Pedestal
The health and fitness industry tells men to get strong and women to lose weight. The pressure to lose weight is even greater on women in larger bodies, and many coaches contribute to this problem. One of my past coaching clients told me that she asked a previous trainer not to prioritize weight loss with her, but he ignored her request and only focused on how she could lose weight.
As coaches, we have to stop assuming that weight loss is right for all women.
It is inappropriate for coaches to push weight loss on clients who have not asked for it, no matter what that client’s size is.
That also means not forcing clients to do weigh-ins, take measurements, or save progress photos. Our clients have the right to make the choices that feel best for them.
Familiarize yourself with the concepts of Health at Every Size, and remember that your clients can be working on health-promoting behaviors irrespective of their size or weight. There are a variety of non-aesthetic goals that we can help clients achieve, such as getting stronger or faster, improving their relationship with food, or achieving an unassisted pull-up.
When a coach gets fixated on a client’s size or the number on the scale, it tells the client that the way their body looks is their most valuable trait. Even when a client comes to you for the purpose of weight loss, try to get to the real reason behind their desire.
Do they want to have more energy to play with their kids? Are they hoping to improve their heart health so they can live longer?
Many clients want to lose weight because they’ve been led to believe that weight loss is the only solution to a variety of problems, but their underlying goals can often be achieved without needing to lose a certain amount of weight.
3. Make Your Space Accessible for Clients of All Sizes
If you coach clients in person, make sure that your space is comfortable and welcoming for clients of different sizes.
Thin and straight-sized coaches often overlook the ways in which the world has been designed for smaller bodies, and this extends to the health and fitness industry. It is important to assess your space to make sure that it’s easy to navigate for bodies of all sizes.
Do you have comfortable chairs without arms that have higher weight limits?
Do you have equipment available in a variety of sizes?
Are pieces of equipment so close together that clients in larger bodies will have trouble accessing them?
Are you aware of the weight limits on your equipment?
These are all questions you should ask yourself when determining if your space is size-friendly.
Be aware that many women in larger bodies have had bad experiences with fitness culture and gyms. Don’t be afraid to ask your clients about their past experiences with fitness and find out if there’s anything you can do to make them feel more comfortable or welcome in your space.
4. Be Mindful of Your Language
Be thoughtful about the language you use to make sure you’re not putting bodies in a hierarchy. A lot of the common language that coaches use is steeped in fatphobia and the erroneous belief that having a thin body is better or healthier.
In order to be a size-friendly coach, you need to be aware of your language and how it might be interpreted by others.
First, be considerate of how you speak about your own body in front of clients and on social media. Avoid making comments about “feeling fat” or describing why you don’t like certain parts of your body as that will invite body comparisons between you and your clients. I’m certainly not asking you to lie about loving or accepting your body if you’re not there yet, but you should aim to model a positive relationship with your body — one that is based in gratitude and how your body is deserving of respect no matter what it looks like.
Second, don’t make comments about your clients’ bodies, not even things that you perceive as compliments. Compliments can be a great way to encourage and support your clients, but they should be based on a client’s non-physical traits, such as their performance, hard work, or dedication.
Complimenting your client’s weight loss could accidentally reinforce the idea that thinner is preferable and imply to them that you think they look better now than they did before. Even a seemingly innocuous “You look so great!” in reference to your client’s body changing could be very triggering.
Lastly, nix “motivational” language that is steeped in fat shaming from your fitness vocabulary. It is rare to attend a fitness class or a personal training session and not hear the instructor or coach talking about burning off calories or meals, how bikini season is coming up, or how a certain exercise will blast fat or create “long and lean” muscles.
These kinds of statements miss the mark and assume that the only reason women are exercising is to lose weight or change their body shape, which can be very off-putting for clients.
As women, we are taught from a young age that our appearance is our most important quality. Coaches should work to disrupt that paradigm, not feed into it. Our bodies are no one’s business but our own.
5. Use Your Privilege to Center Marginalized Voices
If you’re a thin or straight-sized coach, use your thin privilege to create space and advocate for those with larger bodies.
Thin and straight-sized coaches have an important role to play as allies to those in larger bodies in the fight to make sure that all people receive equal treatment regardless of their body size. Sadly, because of our society’s erroneous beliefs about larger bodies, the voices of thin people are often more likely to be heard on these issues
That’s why it’s crucial that we take care not to center our own voices in the conversation. Instead, we can use our platforms to elevate and amplify the voices, experiences, and work of those who are living in marginalized bodes.
If you do the things on this list, you will be well on your way to becoming a more size-friendly coach.
The best way to make sure you’re being size-friendly remains to listen to and learn from people living in larger bodies. Follow them on social media. Read their work. Purchase the books and courses they create.
Also, understand that even if you are the most size-friendly coach in the world, some clients in larger bodies will feel most comfortable hiring a coach who looks more like them, and that’s OK.
Every person deserves the opportunity to develop a healthy relationship with exercise and food, regardless of their size. While the health and fitness industry has notoriously been unfriendly to people in larger bodies, you can be a part of making this industry more inclusive and body-positive for everyone.
The post How to Be a Size-Friendly Coach (Regardless of Your Own Size) appeared first on Girls Gone Strong.
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bromfieldhall · 7 years
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What Makes You Beautiful - A Mentalist Fanfiction
TIMELINE: Set some in the future after series four finale. Minor spoilers.
SYNOPSIS: “Yesterday I made a New Year’s resolution. I’m going to give myself one whole year to woo and win the love of California Bureau of Investigation’s Senior Agent Teresa Lisbon.”
PAIRING: Patrick Jane/Teresa Lisbon
Previous Chapters: 1
CHAPTER 2
"You're turning heads when you walk through the door,"
~ What Makes You Beautiful ~ 1D
February 3rd – 8.30pm
I hate charity auctions.
Especially one such as this, which is nothing more than a PR stunt to promote the California state police departments. Some middle-aged fool from the AG's office sporting a paunch and a God complex decided that relations between the Sacramento elite and local law enforcement needed to be vastly improved and here we are.
Each department is supplying one person to be a 'lot' for the evening.
Don't get me wrong, although I dislike charity auctions in general, I'm perfectly happy with the part where they actually raise money for a good cause. It's just the whole over the top razzmatazz that the organisers feel should go with it. Personally, I'd rather they came around with a box and we all put in what money we can spare. Maybe have a free glass of nice wine and go home. Why does there have to be a full on social gathering?
Better yet, why don't they just use the obscene amount of money they've obviously spent on this shindig and give that to their chosen charity instead?
I look around. There's a smattering of law enforcement officers and officials schmoozing the usual politicians and businessmen and women. Then you've got the people who were born to their wealth who are only here because it's their 'duty'. They don't particularly like mixing with us mere mortals, they do it simply because they think it makes them look good.
Those are the people I dislike the most. The rich fat cats with too much time and too much money. Full of their own self-importance. Never done an honest day's work in their life. They irk me.
They also remind me of me many years ago.
True, I worked for a living but I'd hardly call it honest.
I used to be just like them. Thought I had it all. Thought I was better than everyone else. Not a care in the world. Like, somehow, my celebrity status and all the wealth that came with it meant that nothing bad could ever touch me because of who I was and what I did.
I was such an arrogant fool. And I paid for it dearly. Am still paying for it, because my guilt will never completely go away. I deserve that.
I saunter around the hall catching snippets of other people's inane conversations and find myself drowning in the quagmire of never-ending tedium.
And I've only been here ten minutes.
I look around, searching for Lisbon. I'm only here because she specifically told me not to come. I mean, please…that's tantamount to a red flag to a bull. How could I not turn up?
After all these years you'd think she'd know that I never do what she's says, but she still keeps trying to order me about. It's sweet. Really.
I'm guessing she thought I'd actually listen this time because ever since our little…altercation over the Carlton case a few weeks ago, I've been noticeably behaving myself better. But that's work…this is personal. Doesn't count.
The sound of an obviously fake laugh draws my attention and I turn to see a man surrounded by a group of women. Speak of the devil…
Senator Carlton is holding court and clearly very much over the 'pain' of losing his dearly, departed wife to her murderous lover not four weeks ago. He sickens me. And he looks like a toad.
He catches my eye and scowls. It's not surprising. I did apologise to him as I said I would…it's just that nobody told me I had to make it sound sincere. Lisbon wasn't very happy with me but she didn't get suspended which is the main thing. After all, it's not her fault I can be a jerk sometimes. I can't be expected to change overnight, now can I?
Besides, I know full well that she spoke to him afterwards and smoothed everything over. He certainly walked out of the CBI a far happier man than he entered it. Lisbon does tend to have that effect on people…when she puts her mind to it.
I turn away from the odious individual and continue my perusal of the room. I notice that Cho is nursing a drink alone at the bar. I raise my glass of sparkling water and he gives me a nod of acknowledgement back. He is the nominated 'lot' from our team tonight. He's offering to teach basic self-defence to the lucky winner. I know he's been dreading getting up on stage. He's not one for the limelight is our Cho.
I scan the rest of the room and find Rigsby staring at the few couples that are making use of the dance floor. The pinched look on his face resembles one of a child who has had his favourite toy taken away but is determined not to cry.
When I check out the dancers I understand why. Van Pelt, who looks lovely this evening, is being whirled around the floor by a rather tall, rather handsome young man who, judging by his slightly dazed expression, can't quite believe his luck. It's obvious he's wishing that she were up for auction this evening.
I feel sorry for Risgby and Grace, they were good together. And now that he has long split up with Sarah, they could still be good together…if CBI rules allowed. I'm pretty sure that if they decided to take up their romance again, Lisbon wouldn't interfere this time. She'd let them be. They both deserve a little happiness after what they've been through.
Don't we all?
Speaking of which…I still can't see Lisbon anywhere. She's usually prompt to the point of being too early. But not tonight it seems. Odd.
I take a sip of my water and think back over the past month with a smile. Things are…better between us. I like to think almost back to normal now, but I was wrong before and so I'm being extra cautious. Keeping it light. Baby steps. Trying to get back to what we were before Lorelei's presence ruined everything. It's taking some time, but I truly believe that we will get there. I have to, for both our sakes.
Naturally, this delays my resolution somewhat. I can't attempt to go forward until we're back to where we started. It's frustrating, but necessary and as I told Lisbon a few weeks ago…I'm a patient man.
The song that's playing comes to an end and the auctioneer for the evening steps up to the mike. I don't recognise him and forget his name before he's even finished introducing himself.
Everyone moves to either find a seat or stand on the dance floor in readiness for the main event. The auction begins but everything is just background noise as I'm beginning to feel a little concerned that I can't find Lisbon. I walk over to where Cho is getting up from his barstool. It's his turn soon.
"Have you seen, Lisbon?" I ask, still scouring the hall.
He nods his head. "Yeah."
I wait for him to continue but when it's obvious that he's not going to be more forthcoming, I query irritably, "Well? Where is she?"
"Around," is his brief reply.
His evasive answer tells me that something is up. I don't know if it's to do with work or whether it's personal but all the same, it bothers me a little that Lisbon obviously chose to bring him in on it and not me.
"Where around, exactly?" I press, watching his impassive face for a glimmer of a clue.
Cho shrugs but doesn't reply. Instead he opts for classic avoidance. "So, what are you doing here? I thought the boss told you not to come?"
"Oh, she did," I concede with a smile. "I thought it'd be a nice surprise."
He snorts and looks away. "Yeah, wouldn't bet on that."
I'm about to ask him outright what the hell's going on when something the auctioneer says catches my ear. "Did he just say Lisbon's name?" I ask in amazement.
"Yeah."
I'm confused. "But I thought you were the one up for auction."
"I was, but when I got here tonight Lisbon told me that the plans had changed."
My puzzlement grows. "Why?"
I finally feel as though I'm going to get to the truth of the matter when Cho sighs and looks a little uncomfortable. "I don't know for certain but he has something to do with it," he tells me.
He nods towards the crowd of people on the dance floor and I grow tense when I see Senator Carlton making his way to the front.
"He came over when Lisbon was here and made…comments," Cho continues, looking a little angry now.
"Comments?" I repeat incredulously, feeling my own hackles rise at the thought of what the other man might have said.
"Comments," Cho confirms, his top lip curling up in distaste.
Why, that rotten, son of a…
The desire to defend Lisbon's honour surges through me like a tidal wave and my hands clench at my sides as I run through all the possible ways to inflict pain on the self-absorbed ass. I know I could get away with it and I'm pretty certain Cho would help.
"I asked her about it when he left and she just said that it was a small price to pay to keep you around," he concludes, a hint of accusation in his eyes.
I feel like I've just been punched in the gut and my anger rises anew. I don't have to be a mentalist to know that Carlton has somehow turned my foolish behaviour to his advantage. Apparently Lisbon has saved me yet again but it's not her job on the line this time, it's her self-respect instead. And I absolutely cannot let her do that for me.
I catch sight of Lisbon walking quickly onto the stage and my breath catches. She is stunning. The unassuming black dress accentuates her figure perfectly. It's sexy in an artless kind of way that's very appealing. All the other men in the hall seem to agree as the hush that had descended when she appeared dissipates into eager murmuring when the auctioneer announces that the winning bidder will enjoy an evening with Teresa including dinner at a place of her choice.
Carlton opens the bidding at two thousand dollars.
It's been the highest amount all evening of that I'm sure. I doubt anyone will raise him, which I assume is his intention, and I notice Lisbon's face take on a look of resignation. She smiles, trying to cover it up trooper that she is, but I can still see it. See what she's willing to sacrifice. And I bet she's even convinced herself that something positive is coming out of all this in that the charity will benefit from the money.
My Saint Teresa.
I walk towards Carlton and feel Cho following close behind, probably trying to ensure I don't do anything stupid. With no other bids forthcoming, the auctioneer begins to wrap up the 'lot' as I come to a stop beside the senator.
"Three thousand dollars," I say loudly, just before the man with the gavel can say, 'gone'. Lisbon looks understandably shocked when she hears my voice and then her mouth tightens in annoyance as she sees me standing next to Carlton.
The senator turns to look at me with a frown and I grin back at him. Gauntlet thrown down.
"Four thousand dollars," he bids, his eyes daring me to counter.
"Five," I offer, almost immediately.
The senator starts to get a red hue to his cheeks and leans towards me. "Back off, Mr. Jane, or you can say goodbye to your job," he says quietly through gritted teeth in what I guess he thinks is a threatening tone. He's an amateur compared to Lisbon.
To my surprise, Cho walks around me and stands in front of Carlton, arms folded. "Is that a threat, Senator?" he asks matter-of-factly. "Because it sure sounded like one from where I was standing."
"Going once," I hear the auctioneer call.
"From here too," says Rigsby suddenly appearing on the senator's other side looking grim.
"Going twice," the auctioneer calls a second time.
Carlton turns an even brighter shade of scarlet and I begin to think he might actually explode. "I'll have all your jobs for this," he hisses angrily before turning and walking away.
"Sold to Mr…?"
"Jane," I reply. "Patrick Jane."
The auctioneer smiles and indicates for Lisbon to leave the stage. She looks absolutely livid and heads straight for us, her eyes practically shooting flames.
"Uh-oh," murmurs Rigsby apprehensively.
I can understand his concern. "You two go, I'll handle it," I say, grateful for their intervention and wishing to give them a reprieve. They don't need telling twice and I'm quickly left alone to face Lisbon's wrath.
"What the hell was that?" she demands to know as she comes to a stop right in front of me.
I can sense her barely contained rage so naturally I have to push it. "You're welcome," I reply with a grin.
"Jane," she says, the warning clear.
"It's fine, Lisbon. Don't worry," I dismiss with a wave of my hand. "We merely persuaded Senator Carlton not to bid for you, that's all."
"Oh, God," she groans as she closes her eyes and pinches the bridge of her nose. "I'm going to get suspended, aren't I?"
I raise my hand and take hold of hers, gently pulling it away from her face. She opens those amazing green eyes and I shake my head. "He won't bother you again, trust me," I tell her and I'm pleased to feel her relax a little.
She stares at me and I know she's trying to figure out what happened but in the end she just accepts it and lets out a little sigh. She looks down at our joined hands and I'm disappointed, but not surprised, when she pulls hers away. "I need a drink," she mutters, walking off towards the bar.
I follow and stand beside her when she perches on one of the stools. I order her a drink and get myself another water.
"You know you're going to have to pay for this, don't you?" she says seriously.
I'm not quite sure what she's talking about and glance at our drinks in perplexity. "I thought it was a free bar."
She looks a little self-conscious. "Not the drinks…I meant the auction…you know…me."
It's adorable the way she stumbles over her explanation. And the rosy hue that invades her face is far more becoming than the vermilion disaster that was Carlton.
"Oh, that," I say with a shrug of my shoulders. "I can afford it. Besides, you're worth it."
I deliberately keep my tone offhand but it pleases me to note that the colour deepens on her smooth cheeks. It's obvious she doesn't know what to say and I'm content to let the silence continue between us as she, no doubt, ruminates on all the possible meanings.
I know I said I'm taking baby steps but even an infant needs a gentle push sometimes in order for it to stand. Right?
A short, sweaty man walks over carrying a clipboard then thrusts it towards me with a pen and asks for my signature by way of confirming that I've won…Lisbon.
I fill out all the details and hand it back to him while I watch the auction conclude with complete disinterest. All my senses are attuned to the woman sitting quietly next to me. I know there are things she wants to ask me. There are things I want to say, but it's too soon. She's not ready.
The band take up their positions on stage. The lights dim slightly, taking the edge of the harsh lighting just enough to give the room a romantic ambience and they begin to play. It's a slow song and I can't resist holding out my hand for hers.
"Will you dance with me?" I ask with my most persuasive grin.
She hesitates for a second then smiles and places her hand in mine. I lead her onto the dance floor and can't stop my sigh of satisfaction as I take her in my arms. She rests her head on my shoulder and I gather her in closer, chest against chest, thighs brushing thighs, our bodies moving easily together as if we've danced this way many, many times before.
"So," she says, finally breaking her silence and lifting her head to look at me. "Where are you going to take me for dinner?"
I gaze down at her and smile. "I thought that was your choice."
She shakes her head. "I made that a condition so that Carlton couldn't take me back to his place," she admits, confirming to me what I'd already suspected.
"I knew you'd set this whole thing up," I say with a shake of my head. "Please promise me you won't do anything like this again, Lisbon. I'm not worth it."
"You are, Jane, because you close cases. I need you on my team."
No matter how much I love holding her like this, I really want to shake the infernal woman for trotting out that same old excuse again. She's said it for so long now that I think she's actually starting to believe it's true.
"Besides, I had everything planned," she adds with a sudden smile that catches me off guard. "I knew when I told you not to come tonight you wouldn't listen. I didn't think you'd actually bid for me but I knew that if Cho said the right things, I could count on you to do something so that Carlton wouldn't win."
She looks so happy that her little scheme has worked, I can't find it within myself to be upset that she conned me in such a way. Turnabout is fair play after all.
"I'm impressed," I say letting my admiration to show. "Plus, the charity gets a nice little donation out of it. Win, win situation all round."
"It is," she replies, still grinning. "And it was nice to finally get one over on you for a change."
"Oh, you did," I admit as the music comes to an end and I reluctantly release my hold. "Apart from one little thing."
She pulls away with a frown. "And what's that?" she asks dubiously.
I reach out then take her hand and look deeply into her eyes as I raise it slowly to my lips. Holding her gaze, I press a soft kiss to the back of her hand. Her skin is warm and I find myself lingering there far longer than I should when her mouth drops open a little and I hear her sharp intake of breath.
I eventually pull back with a smile, my lips still tingling from the tender contact. Keeping hold of her hand, I lean in closer. I hear her breathing hitch anew as I bring my mouth to her ear and whisper dryly, "Cho stepped in too early, I would have paid double."
I hear her gasp of surprise as I pull back and grin. I give her hand a light squeeze then release it before I turn to walk away, but she stops me.
"Wait, what about dinner?" she asks, that wonderful blush back on her perfect cheeks.
"No rush, Lisbon. You can choose when you're ready. Or not. Just let me know. I'll be waiting."
I leave her on the dance floor staring after me in confusion. I enjoy keeping her off kilter and quite honestly, if I don't leave her now I'll do more than just kiss her on the hand.
I make my way outside and to my car and I can't help but think that maybe charity auctions aren't such a bad thing after all.
END CHAPTER 2
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topicprinter · 4 years
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Around a year ago I commented about online business, and there was a lot of interest in my unique perspective.First, I want to give an "inside" look on the whole internet business.Second, give my recommendation for those who are serious about this (it isn't what I thought initially).So, how did I get started with "internet marketing"?Approx 13 years ago I started my first online business. It was a simple fat loss coaching service creating customized plans and offering weekly coaching.It was a very hard journey, but ultimately I was making a lot of money. I went from $300 the first month. To $5,000/month the first year. To ~$10k/month second year. And after ~4 years, I hit a record of $32k in 1 month.I also had a lot of super happy clients and amazing results. But those results came from a complete obsession and total commitment to this business. I worked 12-16 hours a day to make it happen.I kept working in that business until around 6-7 years ago.After having coached thousands of clients in fat loss, I wanted something more. So I started to investigate greater business models. I started studying marketing, especially digital (internet) marketing.​I felt like I had found a new passion.I was finally excited about business again. Finally, all the time I spent learning how to get clients and run an online business, there was a field dedicated into it. So I jumped in.Maybe you're in this phase, where you're looking at online business/entrepreneurship and it looks like a dream.Initially for me, it was like a dream. But then, the more I got involved in the field, the more horrifying it became.I started to discover one tragedy after another, with countless of individuals that paid 10s of thousands of dollars for marketing coaching, and gotten nothing in return.And this is after they were hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt.Not only was I initially involved as someone learning and absorbing the material.I taught and coached as well. I had my own program. I got a lot of clients too.In fact, I made over $300,000 in 1 month coaching and consulting.While this seemed like a great result, it was the beginning the end for me.I've always been committed to client results. Real results. Not just making people feel good. I had built my first business entirely on that.The internet marketing field, on the other hand, is all about selling what people want (not what they need). It's all about selling hope."Make people feel good and take their money"In fact, internet marketers (Tai Lopez, Russell Brunson, etc..), many I've either talked with, or known those that worked with them directly.All those big name internet marketers KNOW what works. They know the truth about what's happening. The astounding failure rate that people are having. The countless individuals that have gotten massively in debt joining their programs, and achieving nothing.It's all a very big pyramid scheme.The line between internet marketers and con-artists is very blurry.The only ones that are succeeding are those that end up selling the dream to someone else. Just like those that succeed in MLM.It's true, you can make A LOT of money in internet marketing but you'd have to be a sociopath. If you have no trouble making huge promises to suckers, then this is the field for you.If you truly only care about your results, and don't care about your victims, money is to be made hand over fist. Here's why:The fault isn't only in the Internet Marketers. These individuals are also at fault.Initially, I put 100% of the blame on the internet marketers for furthering these lies and not telling people the truth about how to really succeed.But, as I worked in the field and got clients and students and ran my programs, I discovered what internet marketing really was.98% of consumers of internet marketers are essentially gamblers.They are looking for a "get rich quick" opportunity. They want something from nothing. A "press button, make money" system.They will never admit it.They will tell you that they want the real deal. But when you look at their behavior, they act exactly like gamblers.They spend all their time "investing" aka gambling into programs, courses, coaches, and other opportunities expecting an instant big return.They aren't interested in mastery or real work or delivering real value.They are obsessed with "get rich quick".This is what ultimately caused me to quit.I always hated "get rich quick". I hated this kind of "magic money". I knew it was bullshit. That's not how real business works. You have to find a way to deliver real value. Develop a real competitive advantage.IT'S NOT EASY. If it was easy, then a lot of people would do it, and it would automatically lose its value.If something was "free money", nobody would sell that to you!At the end, I felt like I was someone preaching celibacy in a brothel.I wanted to succeed more, faster, so more and more I started to "sell them what they want, deliver what they need".The problem is how can you sell "get rich quick" and deliver "work hard and make money slowly"?It's almost impossible.I slowly was seeing that the only way I can consistently succeed and achieve my big goals was to become like the other internet marketers. I knew that I could make an insane amount of money (like I had) but I would have to "sell my soul to the devil".The amount of internet marketers that I know that DESPISE their followers/customers is astounding.They see them as sheep, and they are feasting on them.They are like the "Pick Up" artists that look at women as prey. They have 0 concern for women. Their only concern is "getting their trophy" and moving on to the next hunt and bragging about how quickly they've fucked their latest prey.But that's not me. I've always been intrinsically motivated by helping others. By real compassion. Yes, I love to succeed, but not at the cost of others.I'd rather get hurt myself, than hurt others.There was no way for me to reconcile that in the internet marketing field. So I quit. I shut everything down.Why?Because money isn't everything. Yes, it's essential, but what's more essential is your soul. Your peace of mind and internal fulfillment. If you make money by hurting others, you cannot be truly happy.In my first business, the most incredible experiences were when my clients got amazing results and written me a testimonial explaining how I transformed my life. Those words and the memory that I made such a positive difference in people's life is worth 100x more than all the money I made.But I wasn't doing that in internet marketing.The "clients" were gamblers. And it was impossible to get them results.That's why I stopped. And I'm really happy that I did. After exiting the field I finally got my peace of mind again. My anxiety went away and I started experience hope and enjoyment in my life again.This is my warning to anyone who goes into that field. The level of deception in it is staggering. You have extreme predators who pretend to be soft sheep. They are cold hearted killers but when the camera is on, they smile and act all childish and dumb. It's an incredible act of seduction and deception. And this is happening right now. All the time.Okay, so after all that, what is my recommendation now?First, I recommend to NOT follow internet marketers.Especially those on Facebook/Social media.The more popular the internet marketer, the worse they are.What should you do instead?1) Study REAL entrepreneurs.Those who had built real business (not those that just sell dreams). Especially those throughout history.Study business books and classics. Don't join a cult.(Btw most content in this sub doesn't fit that, most of it is just an echo chamber for these gurus).2) Separate your "work" from your entertainment.Internet marketers know that you are bored. You are stressed and are looking for something to make you feel instantly better. You are looking for inspiration.That's why they make their content entertaining and inspirational.An example of that is Tai Lopez.He has built an entire set and has a whole group of actors to create a show that inspires and entertains you.But that's not his goal. His goal is to sell you the dream and sell you his programs and sell you to his affiliates.If you want entertainment, go watch entertainment.If you want inspiration/motivation, go watch that directly.Don't get it from marketers that want to sell you "make money" opportunities.The Business Model I RecommendAfter I quit, I thought, did anything good come out of all this? What did I learn from all of this?In all those years, I studied a lot of business models/opportunities, and saw what worked and what didn't.As I said, my first business was coaching and it was a great business. But that requires A LOT of work. It's a "full" business. You have to market, sell, and deliver everything yourself.The same with consulting.For a business that is "simple" to start, and simple to scale, and generates decent income and has good upside to scale.ANDIf you like reading/writing and have a passion(s) and love to share that with others.THE BUSINESS MODEL:Then creating a "resource" website that educates or providing information about a specific topic where people spend money.For example, let's take fountain pens.Here on reddit, if you go to /r/fountainpens, there are 146k subscribers.They are a passionate group that love fountain pens and spend a lot of money on pens/stationery.It's very simple to create a resource website, for example, FountainPenKnowledge.com (no idea if this is an existing site).Then, you initially are compiling real knowledge.For example, looking at common questions that people have about fountain pens. Especially newbies."Which fountain pen to buy?""Fountain pen for college students""Fountain pens for business""Best fountain pen less than $100""X Brand Pen Review"You can easily see what topics/questions people have in forums/communities AND other resources websites.For example, you have a YouTube channel like The Pen Habit.Click Videos -> Most Viewed.Here are the Top videosHow to adjust pen for more ink flowTop Work Horse PensReview — Lamy SafariMont Blanc 149 ReviewReview Jinhao X450Etc...Essentially, you find the top content and you create blog posts for the best content.NOW HERE IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PART.This is the difference that I recommend. It must be a real passion for you.AND It must be a website that provide REAL, unique value.The key is that you must dedicate yourself to mastering this. The art of writing and creating real content.You want to have a website that you are ultimately proud of.It absolutely must not be a spammy type website (which do exist).That will require a lot of practice and time.BUTIt is straightforward.The best part is that you don't have to do any selling.Nor do you have to "deliver" any service or product.You are essentially someone that synthesises information and better communicates that to people, and help people.How do you make money?From Affiliate links.You link to amazon / other affiliate programs / etc.It's not a massive amount of money, especially in the beginning.But, IMO it's the best effort/reward for those that like to write/like a specific interest.Other business models promise getting like $5k clients.99.9% of those who join those programs will never achieve that result.And even those that do, they don't tell you all the cost that went into getting those clients.With those model, you don't have to "create" a product. Or deliver it.Or even "sell" a product (like how a multi-level marketing opportunity promise, where you have to convince people to buy a specific brand of product).Essentially, you have thousands/hundreds of thousands of maybe even millions of people who have an active INTEREST in something (like fountain pens) AND they are spending money.You are just acting as a middle man. You are essentially helping them get what they ALREADY want.This is one reason why there are so much review channels on YouTube. Because it's a "low hanging fruit" in a way.Anyway, that's my recommendation for those that are seeking an online business model.Please be careful with your future.Don't believe things that sound too good to be true. Follow only things that make logical sense and don't require "a lot of hope" to believe.End of rant. Hope this helps someone. ~Mike
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KetoViante -- Can It Be Scam Or Legit? Read First Before Buying
KetoViante Review:- Perhaps you have you promised yourself that you Will get your own body this year. But you did it again? Occasionally it's the lack of motivation. And occasionally, is fatigue and stress of work which prevents us into an exercise regimen or follow a diet to lose weight. Nowadays, things have eased weight loss supplements being introduced. You can go to the marketplace and watch hundreds of those products, all several companies that claim several matters.
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