#but i know that i cant and so now i just feel incredibly hopeless about it because im never going to be in a financial situation

[auld-a]

hello hello, i am here again to make a request, with the dormleader with a male reader who is the prince of their stories(like malleus with philip!reader and riddle with alice!reader) i just think it would be funny (and also bcs i haven't seen people do this so-)

TWST Dormleaders x Prince!Yuu

Dude this prompt has been stuck in my head I just haven't written it for whatever reason so I thank you for giving me an excuse to do so

🌹Riddle Rosehearts🌹

I love this dynamic omfg

Alice’s immediate response to seeing Riddle is to look up, speak nicely, stop twiddling his fingers, point out his toes, curtsy, opens his mouth a little wider and exclaims “YES YOUR MAJESTY!”

Riddle is spooked at first but then goes “At least SOMEONE knows the rules”

Alice is incredibly reckless due to intense curiosity

But everytime Riddle gets onto you, you look up at him and go “But my queen, it was oh so curious”

Hearing your mid-atlantic accent he can’t stay mad at you you’re just too sweet🥺

You’ve been through Wonderland once before so you at least know how to play their version of croquet and a couple of the rules

I feel like a couple of times Alice would purposely break the rules to get collared because he’s so interested in how it works

Alice is just a tad naive due to his curiosity in EVERYTHING so if Riddle and Alice are having tea time and a white rabbit passes by, Alice will chase it

Riddle only knows the story of the Queen of Hearts not Alice In Wonderland so this makes no sense to him

Imagine a very short person running after a rabbit in the fields with Riddle the Housewarden chasing them in his dorm uniform😭

I can’t stop thinking of Alice with puffy blue dresses with ribbon decor, so cute I love

Alice and Chenya are immediate BFFS

Alice keeps calling him “Cheshire Cat” which he doesn’t get but he’s happy to go along with it

That scene when the Cheshire cat is distracting Alice from the Queen during a game of croquet but with Male! Alice, Chenya, and Riddle

Riddle keeps hearing small giggles behind him but he doesn’t understand why

Alice introduces the Hearslaybul boys to the “Painting the roses red” song

It’s their anthem now

AND ALICE WOULD DEFINITELY SING GOLDEN AFTERNOON TO THE GARDEN FLOWERS YOU CANT CHANGE MY MIND

Alice is overall a very happy boy who drags Adeuce on adventures and gives his queen a heart attack but also kiss attacks

Heartslaybul has been a more joyous place with the arrival of Alice

🦁Leona Kingscholar🦁

Isn’t….. isn’t the prince…. cheka

He is

He is the prince

I don’t know how to write this unless I break some moral codes which I’m not feeling up to

I’m sorry :,)

🐙Azul Ashengrotto🐙

Dude

This is everything

He would fall in love with Azul when he hears his singing voice

But of course in proper Little Mermaid fashion, Eric doesn’t know who said voice belongs to

He goes around the school for days, asking if someone knows someone with “The voice of an angel🥺”

This dude is a hopeless romantic who definitely believes in love at first sight (or song ig)

I think Jade catches on pretty quickly to who he’s talking about

He doesn’t do anything for a while until he decides to tell Floyd, who on the contrary thinks it would be entertaining to very much do something about it

Cue a montage of them elaborately trying to get you to realize that the person you’re looking for is Azul but just narrowly missing

This includes the boat scene

Floyd actually did end up knocking the boat over bc he was bored

When Floyd’s enthusiasm dies he’s just like “Yo the person you were looking for is Azul”

Eric: Finally the love of my life has come to me🥺

Eric is very well versed in the ways of the sea considering he spent a lot of his life on it so he knows plenty about the sea life in Twisted Wonderland or is interested in learning

This means Azul would give him a water breathing potion so he can explore underwater

It takes a lot of convincing to get Azul to come with him since he’s still kind of insecure about his octopus form

But when Eric gives him the puppy dog eyes it’s game over

He’s gushing all over Azul telling him how beautiful and majestic he is

Azul almost inks

He actually does when Eric squeezes the life out of him due to excitement

He just loves his octo bf so much🥹

But he’s still a prince so he’ll spoil Azul with his princely manners

Will always pull out a chair for him, lead him in dancing, sword fight someone in his honor etc.

The tweels think it’s kind of pathetic how head over heels he is for Azul but Azul is just as enamored, just less showy about it

Discounts at the Monstro lounge is a given

There definitely was a time when Eric was knocked into the water and couldn’t get back up so Azul had to dive in to save him

Romance

🥳Kalim Al-Asim🥳

This is super cute but Aladdin has no idea how to deal

He’s dirt poor but he managed to land a partner that’s filthy rich

I mean it wouldn’t be the first time

But because of his upbringing that means that he’s become very perceptive of bad people

He probably warned Kalim before Jamil’s overblot, Kalim refused to believe him though because he was so convinced Jamil would never do anything to hurt him

He understood where he was coming from and wanted to say “Yeah you’re probably right” but he knew it wasn’t true

But he also knew Kalim wouldn’t listen to him so his hands were kind of tied

But blah blah blah Jamil’s overblot happened, Aladdin saved the day fluffy stuff

Kalim loves Abu he just wants to give him a little squeeze

Abu is slippery though so he just feeds him food

Abu likes him a bunch because of this

On days where Kalim wants to take Aladdin for a magic carpet ride he’s like “BRO I GOT ONE TOO””OMG TWINS”

There’s a lot of carpet races because of this

But on a night where Aladdin was feeling particularly romantic he serenaded him with “I can show you the world”

Kalim cried

The way that Kalim best shows affection is through material items since that’s something he knows he’s good at

He throws a lot of expensive jewelry and clothes at Aladdin

It’s not like Aladdin doesn’t appreciate it but he doesn’t need those things to be happy

All he needs is Kalim

When he tells him that, Kalim starts crying Part 2

Because of Aladdin’s tendency to swipe things he probably shouldn’t this kind of gets him into trouble a bunch

That is if anyone could catch him

Just like his pal Abu he’s a slippery fellow

Kalim finds it endearing

🦚Vil Schoenheit🦚

No hate to The Prince but he has the personality of a thumb

He’s only gotten two scenes in the movie and doesn’t even have an official name

So I’ll just call him Prince ig

But Vil and Prince are kind of the perfect couple ngl

Vil thinks of himself as a Queen and who better for a Queen than a soon to be King?

Prince simps for Vil so hard

Like I don’t know how to verbally express how much

He would die for Vil, he would kill for his Queen, every formal interaction he will get on one knee and kiss Vil’s hand, the power dynamic is kinda 🫣🥴

This just gives me “loyal puppy dog Prince x powerful ‘will kill you if you touch him’ Queen”

Of course Vil is like 😏

Prince treats him like the Queen he knows he is and Vil is obsessed with the never ending attention

He reciprocates through giving him his full attention whenever he can

Even something as small as a peck on the cheek means everything to Prince

His Queen😳

With someone as low as a Prince😳

This cannot be possible😳

But oh it is possible and Vil makes sure he knows that

He loves his loyal lover to the stars and back and he makes sure it’s known by always keeping a hand around his waist

It’s less out of protection than it is possessiveness

But it makes Prince SWOON

Any person who dares argue his Queen’s beauty or strength he will fight

He sees this as saving his Queen’s time

If they can’t take him they have no privilege to even try with Vil

this sounds like sebek omfg

Bridal carrying Vil🥹

🎮Idia Shroud🎮

CRUSTY DISCORD MOD X ANCIENT GREEK HIMBO MY BELOVED

There’s just so much potential here my guys

Even more so if I went by real Ancient Greece that shit was crazy

But this is Disney so I won’t

Hercules knows NOTHING about half the crap that goes on in Twisted Wonderland

“We must sacrifice the finest cattle in honor of the gods””Lol cool let’s play minecraft””What craft is yours?”

I don’t think Idia would have a lot of social anxiety around him after a bit

He’s very knew to everything in Twisted Wonderland, he doesn’t know how society or technology works, he doesn’t know how to dress, etc. so for someone like Idia to take him under his wing he looks up to him as if he was almost a god (only in twisted wonderland ofc he don’t disrespect the pantheon like that)

When Idia tells him of the story of Hades Hercules casually drops the “Oh yeah I know, he’s my uncle”

“….Bitch say sike rn”

Tbh the interactions between your two worlds is very interesting in of itself

I mean it’s obvious twisted wonderland doesn’t have “gods”. Worshipped one’s absolutely but not in the way Earth does

And considering Greek Mythology is a very real thing on Earth but the concept of Hades at least exists in twst means that Greek Mythology exists there too

But they didn’t have ancient Greece

This shit confusing I’ll just stop the existentialism right there

If he tells Idia about his world and origins that’s kind of an existential bend for Idia lol

Like he’s learning that most of the things his dorm has/are involved in was specifically named after an assortment of stories in his partner’s world?

Mind. Blown.

But also we can’t forget the fact that lil ol Idia is deadass dating a DEMIGOD

I don’t think that concept exists in twst but when he explains he like “OOOO BOY😳”

A very muscular man who came through his mirror from a different dimension not only is related to one of the Great Seven but is also the son to a being that is essentially the ruler of their universe????

AND HE CHOSE HIM[Idia]?????

Hercules would use him as a weight while exercising and Idia has his switch out playin Animal Crossing or something

Any time Frisbee is played near them he’s actively shielding Idia

He can’t risk anything after what happened to his (technically) brother Apollo

If you know, you know

🐉Malleus Draconia🐉

This one would be so funny

I’m positive Phillip knows who Maleficent is and her role in his “one true love”’s story

But imagine his surprise when he’s like “The princess is sweet but the dragon fae that’s similar to the person who tried to curse her is kinda😳👀”

He’s a hero who lived long enough to be with the villain

Being from the 14th century he knows just as much about modern things as Malleus does

Meaning Phillip is very suited towards his courting style

Phillip practicing fencing with Sebek or Silver is a must

Phillip desperately wants to see Malleus’ dragon form

It’s not anything he hasn’t seen before and he likes the idea of literally flying into battle with his bf

Phillip knows much about history and arts so Lilia and him get on swell

I think he can play many classical instruments, so he likes to serenade Malleus with a violin or piano

He would most definitely create a rendition of “Once Upon A Dream” for him too

Being a 14th century person who was thrusted to a different dimension in the future, I think he’s really into theatre

Phillip brings Malleus to many plays

Phillip hears from friends Adeuce when dorm leader meetings are held which he relays to Malleus to ensure he’s not left out of important manners

Ballroom dancing together🥺

#male reader #malleus draconia #twisted wonderland #twst headcanons #idia shroud #idia x yuu #kalim al asim #kalim x male reader #malleus x yuu #riddle rosehearts #riddle x yuu #leona x yuu #leona kingscholar #azul ashengrotto #azul x yuu #vil schoenheit #vil x yuu #disney prince #twst wonderland x reader

[catenation]

Bido is gonna be the show stealer here isnt he. I wanna know what his relationships and general opinions are towards the other characters that end up in this main group of yours

cracks my knuckles (and also thank you so much for sending all these i feel the spirit of Story entering me once more)

in rough order from goodest to baddest:

greed: i could write entire essays about greed and bido even just in the context of what little we see of their relationship in canon but suffice it to say things are complicated in there. on the one hand theyre undeniably close. even disregarding how close i think they were before, just by process of elimination at the start of this theyre each flat out the most important person in each others life. bido has incredible depths of trust and admiration and care and Yearning for greed and greed in return also trusts bido completely, admires him, and loves him in his own "when i call you my possession it definitely definitely definitely doesnt mean my bff" way.

...the problem here is that on the other hand, he did tell bradley during the fight in the sewers that none of his henchmen are his friends. and bido heard that. and greed doesnt tell lies. Whoops.

having all his friends murdered, on its own, is pretty detrimental to greeds progress towards admitting (to himself as well as others) the One Big Thing. the good thing about this is that at least he does still have a guy left who he cares about enough to value HIS feelings on the subject, but the problem is dragging those feelings out into the open in the first place, and bido is going to have to be the one to do it. godspeed.

mei: she comes barreling into his life right as hes in the process of lighting the match to burn all his bridges. needless to say that match winds up tossed into the river. no one is immune. he hasnt gotten along with many kids in the past but mei is polite and earnest enough that he very quickly gets attached and starts thinking of her as part of the group, no matter how bad the fear gets that now he has someone else to lose.

everyone in this group has strong similarities that i think make them really good as a team, and with mei and bido, they each have baseline-quiet personalities interrupted by strong outbursts of emotion, especially getting really mad when they sense an injustice. theyre also both hopeless romantics and optimists at heart, even though bidos had decades to get jaded by his experiences and try to couch his hopes in realism, and mei sort of brings that back out in him, the realization that maybe the world Can be a better place. and in turn he teaches her that sometimes you have to hedge your expectations and work with what youve got. balance......

scar: so. scars got some Hangups, around chimeras. one of the first scenes i pictured when i was brainstorming this was bido and scar discussing nina, and bido bringing his own perspective on what he did that wouldnt really be what scar expected. everything about bido kind of throws scar off a little bit. he isnt sure what to make of him, whether to feel pity or disgust or?? ?compassion? (he is so burnt out on compassion but he cant help it either) (neither of them can help it)

in the end getting to know bido helps scar to realize that despite whats been done to him hes still just. A Guy. and in doing so helps him along the long road to accepting that he, too, is just A Guy.

yoki: bido does not like yoki. yoki is both all things that grate on him in a person (acts like hes still rich, snobby, selfish) and at the same time way too similar to himself for his own liking (weird little man, complains a lot, always scurrying about). he makes him self-conscious in a way he does not like at All. unfortunately for bido yoki (at some point along the line that im still not 100% solid on) decides inexplicably that he has to be Nice to bido and it drives him up the wall because he thinks hes patronizing him but its actually because i thought making yoki the ignored one-sided third point on a love triangle would be really funny.

marcoh: oh he likes marcoh even less than yoki. bidos experiences have created in him a serious distrust of any and all doctors, whether theyve been forced to quit the profession or not, and especially ones associated with the government. marcohs sadsack attitude does not endear him to bido at all and he spends most of his time glaring at or avoiding him. eventually he gets used to him being around, at least enough to stop registering him as a threat, and i do want them to talk at least once, but the two of them are probably the weakest bond in the group all things considered.

i hope very strongly that my bido characterization is enough to make people as excited about him as i am......maybe i can pull in some new bido fans with this. thats really like a solid 80% of the goal here

#bido #greed #mei #scar #yoki #marcoh #q&a

[interlagosed]

You cant just leave us hanging hibs, allegra’s wife interactions with the siblings and in laws 😭

[I don't have time for the whole story, but here's a little preamble]

Allegra has always been incredibly unlucky in love. Unlike Charlie who literally married his childhood girlfriend at 20 (which was also a whole thing, in fairness), Allegra has had her heart broken in so many different ways. She's also broken a fair few hearts herself. And especially when she's an F1 driver, that is fairly common knowledge.

"Well, you definitely aren't as private as we were," Lando says. Carlos glares at Lando.

"As private as I was," Carlos mutters, and Lando glares back. Allegra rolls her eyes as their glares melt into fond looks and lovestruck, gushy smiles.

"Yeah, well, we don't have to be closeted anymore," Allegra muttered. "And anyway, not all of us find our soulmates that easy. I might not even have one."

"What's wrong with that?" Landon pipes up, and Allegra tosses a pillow at them. Landon yelps and dodges out of the way, only for the pillow to upset a vase on the corner table. Aurelia sighs and stabilizes the vase.

"Ay, don't take it out on my furniture," Carlos warns, even as he pulls his husband into his lap. None of the kids blink at that; they're used to their parents' egregious PDA. "That costs more than you did."

"From Uncle Lewis?"

"Yes. For our fifteen years."

After an appropriate amount of time spent admiring the incredibly fragile vase, Allegra launches back into her tirade.

"I'm never going to find love. I'm just going to be a rich spinster. The only love in my life is going to come from my siblings' kids and passionate one-night stands in daring locales," Allegra sighs.

Landon looks at Allegra and says, "Define locales right now."

"Fuck off."

"Allegra!"

"Daddy, can you define locales?"

Lando thinks about it, and by way of answer, says, "...fuck off."

"Lando!"

After Carlos lectures them all on swearing at family - everyone takes this immense hypocrisy with generous patience - they return, again, to the topic at hand.

"You're not even thirty," Aurelia pipes up wisely. "And you're on the road most of the year. Of course it's taking you a while to settle down."

"Yeah, but-"

"Do you even want to settle down?" Lan asks, and at that, Allegra goes quiet. She is silent for a long time, long enough that Lan sighs and says, "Sorry. I didn't mean it like that."

"I know," Allegra says, smiling softly. "I'm just...jealous. Of Charlie. Of you two," she adds, gesturing to her fathers, who tut softly. "Even Lia has a girlfriend, and she's literally half my age. When do I get to be in a good relationship?"

"Ay, hija," Carlos says, and he takes his eldest daughter's hand and kisses it. "Pequeñita. You will find what you need. I promise."

"Sometimes you just need to stop looking," Lando adds, and he snorts at Allegra's skeptical look. "I know it sounds stupid. But I also know you. You've never turned that part of your brain off in your life."

"It's not my fault," Allegra exclaims. "It's impossible to be your kid and not be a fucking hopeless romantic."

Allegra looks at her siblings for support, and, gratifyingly, they're both nodding vehemently. Neither Carlos nor Lando look abashed.

"Sorry we got lucky," Lando says, and Carlos smirks and reciprocates his husband's fistbump. Neither of them seem sorry. Allegra can't blame them.

Still, she somehow manages to internalize her daddy's advice. What if she didn't look? What if she stopped flirting, stopped flirting back, stopped wondering if the glances people shot her were admiring? For all her skepticism, she finds herself working longer hours, working harder, finding time for hobbies she hadn't gotten a chance to indulge in, not really, since she starting racing in F1. She spends more time with Charlie, his babies, with her siblings, with her parents - and it's wonderful. It feels good.

And Allegra realizes she doesn't remember the last time she felt this relaxed or happy.

#hibi answers #carlandads #hibi writes

[goremet-chef]

vent. mind the tags

grieving with bpd is so... i wont say its worse or anything cuz im really not about that shit, anyone and almost everyone can and has felt this pain before, its a constant of life, but.. when im not actively sobbing and depressed and my mood switches up, it makes me feel so guilty. i should be spending that time in misery, i should be wailing and wiping more snot from my nose and my head should hurt worse like it was a few minutes ago, but yknow. emotional permanence n all that

its so funny, they keep trying to get me to believe in god, she says he'll show himself to me and ill find him my own way. i respect that she at least respects im not there yet (i dont think ill ever be truthfully but we can agree to disagree), but i just keep losing more and more, and any faith i had gets ripped away in an instant. there is no god worth worshipping, because someone worth worshipping would not put me through this pain again and again and again

3 pets dead within a YEAR. riley died june 29, 2022, talcum died in october of 2022, and now artemis, today. may 24. it hasnt even been a full year since riley died. i cant keep doing this man

i find myself less hopelessly despaired and choking on my spit wailing sad like the last two, only because im started to.. lose faith in everything. i feel cynical, it makes me MAD

because i did everything right this time. with riley, i made the mistake of even THINKING that it couldve been cancer, and then it was. i know that wasnt my fault, he had the tumor before i even came to visit and before we took him to the vet, but its still incredibly hard not to blame myself for that. talcum died of stress, because bruce kept jumping on his bird cage. i was so ashamed with myself that my MOM (who doesnt even view our pets as family, more like accessories) noticed talcum wasnt singing like he used to. i didnt even notice until the day after when my sibling was on the phone with every vet he could call to see if they took birds

i was optimistic this time, because it looked hopeful! it seemed like she would be okay, i told myself itll be fine and that we'll fix her up and she'll live longer because she deserves to. obviously that was completely useless because shes dead now, so none of that mattered. i didnt even get to say goodbye to her. i said bye when i left my grandmas house a few days ago, but.. its not the same.

i did everything right this time and obviously it didnt fucking matter because theres no fixing that. theres nothing you can do, death is the worst part of life and it never goes away. never gets easier, you can never outrun it. it makes me so sad that the ones who dont deserve it get it first. i know they were old cats but artemis wasnt THAT old. she probably wouldve lived happily for quite some time after, if everything turned out good. ive known them since i was 7. theyve been in my life forever, and now theyre both gone

god it hurts so much, it never gets easier. i just feel so hopeless right now. i wish i could freeze time, and we could just exist as we are forever. but i cant do that

#pet death #tw pet death #pet loss #tw pet loss #vent

[charlieinagloe]

The sunbearer trials, by Aiden Thomas

3.5 stars

This is more of a discussion than solely a review, and does feature some spoilers :

I was really excited for this, but found myself a bit disappointed by the end.

It takes place in a fantasy world heavily inspired by Mexico. It all sounds pretty Aztec to me,the gods mentioned and all that but it's not particularly mentioned anywhere, and all the copy solely reads 'mexican-inspired'

It’s a mix of modern society and ancient stuff, there’s gods and demigods running around, there’s an academy for heroes and every ten years something called the sunbearer trials happens where a demigod child is killed by another so they can ‘charge the sun’ and keep the bad guy in his cage.

Tw: violence, bullying, manipulation, world-ending mistakes

It’s clearly another take on the hunger games and other similar stuff.  Only no one here is supposed to be killed till the end. 

The main character is teo, a trans boy who has wings he’s ashamed of, and who feels underappreciated due to his mother being a second-rate god which means he’s not seen as particularly important or good enough to be a hero. 

Still, he and his best friend are called to participate in the sunbearer trials, and he spends the whole time being unsure of it all and just trying to keep everyone he loves from dying.

It’s a good premise, and it’s entertaining, but it constantly feels like the worldbuilding is lacking. 

A thing i don’t like is when the characters, for whom this is all supposed to be their normal, don’t know what they are doing. It’s a lazy form of exposition  I find.

And teo is constantly confused about everything.

They say that the trials go back a long time, that it’s a great honour to participate, to kill, to die, 

But no one shows it. 

Everyone acts like theyre afraid of it ashamed of it.

Even the career heroes that are supposed to be trained for it since birth.

Now, i don’t read  a lot of YA, cause i tend to find the teens annoying as fuck.

Which is probably part of why I had issues with this book. 

Yes a lot is teens being teens

And i also have issues cause i tend to find them toothless.

Too often they feature kids who are afraid to do anything bad. 

Like they sneak out once and its a huge deal and of course they never do drugs or drink alcohol or engage in another common risk-seeking behaviour, so it lets them be bratty teens as long as they don’t do anything teens do?

It feels very puritanical, and it’s boring. 

this is about a deadly race, with many obstacles and chances to hurt or get hurt.

but dont worry, everyone will have a miraculous escape! Plot armour for everyone!

it cant be like youre wrapping both the protagonists and readers in a little bubble where nothing bad ever happens and they never need to see anything that could be potentially dangerous

 the danger has to be real.

you truly don’t know if they’ll survive, and how

this doesnt mean it has to be some grimdark everyone can die the future is hopeless thing

thg works because it is willing to go that far, it says your faves are in dangers and means it. nobody gets out unscathed.

In thg the danger is real, and the worldbuilding is incredibly detailed. Even though katniss who is confused like 90% of the time is the pov character.

It doesnt feel like someone is pausing and explaining everything every 5 minutes.

derry girls is a good example of where they do show dangerous things, it is political, but it is all filtered though the lens of girls who dont know better, and you feel that.

rick riordan’s catalogue also shows this well.  it has kids in trouble, it has danger, it deals with Issues, and so on. 

The main problem with this is that it doesn’t feel real. 

From the beginning, you know things aren’t gonna go according to plan.

You’re surrounded by danger but nothing bad is actually going to happen. 

and theres the ‘the sacrifice is an honour but we all know its wrong’ and the way the approach it , like being sad about it.

their sacrifice is supposed to “charge the stones” and “keep monsters at bay”

But it’s never explained. Why? Why must it happen this way? What does it mean?  No one can challenge it, it is just the way it is but it is not explained either.

Why the trials? Why can’t people volunteer? 

if this is their religion, the way its been done for thousands of year why are they sad and umcomfortable to talk about it? 

like, i feel like at least some people should be going like crazy over them, offer them gifts asks for blessings hell they should be like tell me your stories your wishes your goals so we may complete them for you

like, honour them properly? not this “killing people is a shame but it must be done and instead of facing it we are just kind of awkward about it”

In a way, it feels like it is using modern morals to tell a story where those morals simply don’t work. They don’t apply. 

I expect complicated feelings sure, but it is more like ‘it sucks let’s sweep it under the rug’

There’s a whole subplot of Teo having a sister he never knew cause years earlier, she was sacrificed. And his mum never talked about it.

That sounds a lot like shame and fear.

Tributes in the actual hunger games where treated better. People knew they were pawns being sacrificed, and that it was awful, but they also knew there was nothing they could do. 

Why isn’t there a memorial somewhere honouring the sacrifices?  

If they don’t like it, have they tried doing something else? 

There’s this episode of SNW where they also have child sacrifices, and they approach it way better. They also talk about they have to or the whole planet dies, and how they’ve tried to search for other ways and haven’t found any. 

So now they face it head on. They do a whole festival they do their best for the chosen ones, and so on. They know it’s an awful thing to do but they don’t hide it. They don’t look away in shame.

And the way shame is constantly everywhere in this story feels weird. 

The have the MC and his friends look back into the archives and besides discovering he had a sister nothing much is said of it. There was a moment right there for them to learn of the history and heritage of why and how it is done and…nothing.  Completely missed opportunity. 

like, the character often feels like theyre being faced with all of it for the first time, rather than actually growing up with it, what happens if someone is chosen and doesnt want to compete? do they become the sacrifice ? has anyone ever tried?  have people died doing this shit? what does the process actually entails??

For example,HDM goes into a lot of detail as to the origin the why the motivations and so on.

That’s why i think the worldbuilding feels lacking. The whole foundation of the story is less than great. 

What does it mean for this civilization to have this? To grow like this? 

what kind of place is it? how does this masquerade change the world? 

but i feel like a lot of ‘our world but slightly to the left’ don’t take the time to ponder the winder ramifications.

or you could do growing up thinking it was wonderful for everyone involved ,theres luxury and rewards, everyone wants to be chosen and then oh shit its actually dystopic af and ppl have been lied to.

someone slowly becoming aware of the horrors

and this goes slightly over there ‘oh no someone has to die, i dont want anyone to day, last time i was a kid mum didnt even let me watch’ or ‘oh actually the heroes i admire have really tough life’ but it just sort of waves as it goes past, not even bothering to detour 

i feel like the premise is great, a whole country, how does it all work?, and they even go on a tour, but we dont get to see much, a lot of good things are mentioned, only in passing.

I don’t know if it’s really the sort of thing that can be improved in a sequel, although maybe with new characters who can bring in a different pov it might be possible.

So that’s why i feel the story loses steam.

I admittedly don’t know a lot about mesoamerican human sacrifices, but i don’t think shame was the prevailing emotion.

It just doesn’t make sense.

It’s a shame cause i was excited about it, i wanna support latino books and you don’t get a lot of fantasy based on latinamerican folklore, but even wanting to hype it up it still felt a bit flat.

I guess it’s a bit like ‘i had this cool idea so i’m gonna sketch some stuff around it to support it’ and never quite getting around it to filling it in.

Like, teo,the MC is trans. This is quickly mentioned as ‘everyone was fine with it’, and i think there might be a mention of a genderfluid god?

But beside that everything is the same. Another trans kid wears a binder. They take testosterone, it’s just like in our world. 

Or how Teo is the son of a bird god, he can talk to birds, which we barely see him do, and he has freaking wings.

Which he doesn’t know how to use.

Cause apparently he was ashamed of them so his guardians just let him hide them?  What? get that kid a therapist of something what the hell. 

And the whole reason he is ashamed is simply cause he found them too girly.

That’s like saying oh my legs are too ugly i don’t wanna use them. And your parents just being like ok here’s a wheelchair?

Maybe there’s more to it but it’s never explained so that’s the impression i get, like it’s such a big handicap!

And he spends the whole time complaining he isn’t allowed to go to hero school! Is someone stopping him from training? No, i’m sure his mother’s palace has a gym, and he could’ve gotten tutors, he could’ve been using his wings the entire time.

Maybe it’s too judgmental of me, but it seems  incredibly foolish, and i wish we had more talk about it. Rather than him going “oh i dont want to” or “i don’t like it”

I think it’s a good rec for anyone who likes hp, pjo, thg, or hdm, but i don’t think it is as strong as any of those.

#book reviews #book bloggin #spoilers #the sunbearer trials #fantasy books #it sort of veers into a general critique of ya books for a bit

[tomorrowillbeyou]

okay now. first off. your gifs are amazing they are beautiful like i cant even imagine a world without them it would be so dark and hopeless not even just for the stuff you make gifs about but also because you are fucking good at it. stop saying they arent even that good thats my buddy ryan youre talking about. now i dont know anything about making them just that gif makers are the strongest people on earth but youre doing a great service with the stuff youre doing now and if you feel like youve stagnated everyone feels like that with everything they try and it just happens. learn some things about it all choose a direction you want to take. take some time to think. take some time!!! when i feel like ive stagnated on making cool shit i just take breaks, take some time to plan things out more bc i always felt like i was rushing it, and i started making creative stuff again when i felt better about it. pushing through periods like that isnt good for the creative mind even if some people will say it is. itll just make you tired and hate doing it, and never feeling proud of anything you make. everyone gets better with time. i love you okay and you make some incredibly awesome shit that makes me want to collapse to the floor and never be seen again oh my god literally that picture of your gifs on the wall like a museum and its my house. it really is my house if i could do that im like. not even kidding im dead serious. DEAD SERIOUS. i love you. i fucked with this a lot but i didnt re read it in the end if it doesnt make sense well!

WOH HOLY SHIT.. auuuughhhhh😭😭😭😭😭😭🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹this actually made me feel 1 billion times better about the whole situation.. i love u soooo much and i think this is good advice i probably will slow down and take a bit of a break.. i have been meaning to gif at this velocity forever though so maybe that first... but yea i think i will chill out for a while maybe do some proper research into what other people are doing get inspired stuff like that...... waow i really love u this means a lot <3

[masterkeynobi]

part iii

the tl;dr of my brain on this ep is just. SO. DARTH VADER, HUH.

i say this every episode but god it is deeply compelling how miserable and pathetic obi-wan is i'm sorry. jaded and hopeless and stumbling over his own lies — this was the Negotiator, this was The General Kenobi, this was a hero to millions and now he can't do anything but tremble and run

leia who is clever and bright but still so very young... so perceptive but so naive... i am thinking of anakin (who isn't thinking of anakin here, really) and of how at age ten he had seen and felt too much cruelty to wear this kind of innocence

(i'm sorry but they really dont make darksiders like they used to none of the little inquisitorial squad have remotely any kind of intimidation factor and i cant tell if this is a function of clunky acting (unfortunate) or clunky costume design + effects. in a similar vein i do kind of feel like a lot of the minor chars/extras are breaking my suspension of disbelief? idk the bland american accents + overly modern dialogue + heavy-handed empire loyalist narrative aren't doing much for me)

you know me you know i love a good metaphor. using the force, obi-wan says, is like turning on a light when you're scared of the dark, the feeling of safety that comes with that. thinking about how hesitant he was to use it to save leia last episode. he hasn't felt safe in a decade he's just been sitting here scared of the dark and wallowing in it.

deeply horrific and really funny (a combination continued through this ep) that vader's lair of doom & gloom is on fucking mustafar. something awful about both him and obi-wan spending a decade reliving their worst moments over and over, something awful about neither of them wanting to be where they are, something awful about neither of them being able to die ("you should have killed me when you had the chance")

this is vader at his peak, though. my god. it is so good and right that they don't defang him for this he IS a monster he IS a nightmare made flesh and the sound of his breathing should & does kick your heart rate up a notch

this is so fucking excellent im exulting in it in an awful way OF COURSE HE CAME HIMSELF. OF COURSE HE'S SNAPPING RANDOM PEOPLE'S NECKS TO LURE HIM OUT THIS IS PERSONAL THIS IS THE MOST PERSONAL AND HE KNOWS OBI-WAN INSIDE OUT (of course obi-wan almost collapsed the minute he stepped planetside)

of course obi-wan can't watch other people suffer for him but my god is it incredible to watch him almost shake apart . what have you become / i am what you made me IS ANYONE ELSE INSANE ABOUT THIS... I PERSONALLY AM INSANE ABOUT THIS...

obi-wan is — i cannot emphasize this enough — extremely pathetic this is not mustafar 2.0 this isn't a fight he can win. vader at his peak vs obi-wan who hasn't touched his saber in a decade, whose hand shakes igniting it, who turns tail and runs because he's fucking terrified

obi-wan has spent ten years mourning his brother. vader has spent the same ten years planning, meticulously, how exactly hes going to tear him apart. this is well-thought-out and cold this is slow revenge and the only reason obi-wan isn't fucking dead is because anakin isn't kind enough to make it quick

HE SET HIM ON FIRE. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET OVER THE FACT THAT HE SET HIM. ON FIRE. ANAKIN SKYWALKER LADIES AND GENTLEMEN THE GALAXY'S PETTIEST MOST DRAMATIC SON OF A BITCH . THIS IS SO FUCKED UP AND AWFUL AND ALSO REALLY FUCKING FUNNY TO ME I'M SORRY. HE SET HIM ON FIRE

i will say i am a little... [raised eyebrow emoji]... about how when tala set fires vader did nothing about it even though literally two minutes ago he put out his own fires with nothing but a wave of his hand. but i'm assuming, for now, that it's something like the thrill of the chase, that obi-wan has nowhere to run and knows he's being hunted, that anakin will get him again inevitably and it'll be worse. yum. delicious. i love star wars and have no feelings about it at all

final note i have been too vader-tunnel-vision to think too hard about the Path but quinlan vos my dearest i am glad to hear you're alive and theres something so . So. about him (& others! but especially him, who survived the purge) doing what jedi do, about him saving children. obi-wan you are not nearly as alone as you think.

wait i lied about that being the final note everyone look at live slug reaction to vader lightsaber ignition and everything that followed

#sree.txt #star wars #watching #kenobi 2022 #rotating the path in my brain like a microwave rest assured it's really something #good god though obi-wan and vader. good fucking god #this recap post ended up being more personal and less eloquent htan my prev ones but such is life i don't feel up to eloquence right now #post-vader brainrot is real #obi-wan kenobi #anakin skywalker #gabesreeisms

[datastate]

Hey hey unrelated but i have no one to rant and you seem very nice and friendly so i just wanna idk want some opinions...? About feeling i have for quite some years now. I have a very close online friend that is very dear to me but unfortunately i also have a very bad crush on. Things happen i was too late to confess my feeling first and they said at one point they did like me so i just try to get over my feeling for the better and their happiness first. But later they broke up and we talk like how we used to before again sometime playful joking flirst? Is probably platonic but it still messes my heart alot. I still try to get over it but as time passes idk i will ever. I think we both also very afraid that if date and breakup we both cant be friend anymore. And yet i wish to be more than friend. I guess i am hopeless romantic huh.. 😂 i am very lost honestly and dont know what to do but i hope for some advice..? i am very sorry if this is weird or uncomfortable to u for a stranger blabbing suddenly. If you wish to ignore this that okay. But thank you for taking your time to read my secret.

hmm. i apologize in advance if i misunderstand any part of this! but i'll try to give you some advice here. of course, feel free to not follow this exactly, or at all - as you know your situation best. this is just what i'd do!

[ so as i understand it, you're close with a friend who eventually dated someone else (?) who confessed to them before you could, and they had then mentioned that they used to like you romantically, too. and because they were - at the time - in a relationship, you didn't want to tell them it was requited. then, they eventually broke up with their other partner, and returned to teasing flirting and all that with you now that they didn't have a romantic partner. ] feel free to let me know if this isn't quite it!

in this scenario, i think... seeing as your feelings have lasted and they have also mentioned they like you romantically too, that i would try to lay out the possibility of dating as a suggestion. it's best to be truthful and open about how you feel, here. you can say that you love them, and that you'd like to date them, but that even without romance, their friendship is incredibly important to you and you don't want to lose that.

now if you two do end up dating, i think it's really important to know that there are cases in which people have dated one another, but eventually realized they were better off as friends, and still remained close! not every relationship ends disastrously.

when you want a romantic relationship, there are plenty of things that are adjusted (both for personal comfort, and sometimes what someone feels like they have to do bc of what they've seen of romance (like physical affection, being very open about the relationship, to say " i love you " much more often, etc.)); these new expectations aren't necessarily bad, but they are still an important aspect to take into consideration for your relationship. you will need a lot of communication for both of you to be comfortable in your relationship. some people prefer endearing nicknames, some people are uneasy about everyone knowing they're in a relationship, some people don't like discussing sexual topics (or only in moderation), etc etc. it's just something that varies from person to person. it can't always be intuition, and it can never hurt to ask again.

of course, depending on how close you are with this person anyway, it's possible that not much at all will really change! maybe you're just a bit more comfortably affectionate with one another. most of what 'changes' is just based upon proximity and the level of vulnerability they feel comfortable revealing in a relationship that demands intimacy/familiarity.

all i can really offer here is that... it's good to be open about how you feel, and best to make the relationship something that's something best for both sides. and even if you don't end up staying in this relationship, or don't initiate dating each other at all (for whatever reason that may be) - it's still good to have them as a friend. it can hurt sometimes to know that the type of love you feel isn't completely returned, but... it's normal for people to have friendships with people without expressing their personal romantic (or sexual) desire. in the end, you still do care for them and want to be in their lives! and that's still valuable without the two of you 'needing' to pursue something else.

( also, depending on how recently they broke up (and how messy it may have been), you may want to hold off on this confrontation so that they have time to recover themself, and so it doesn't seem like you're jumping at the first opportunity to date them. additionally, it may be helpful to figure out (IF it is information offered to you; don't pry them for it) what caused their other relationship to not work out, so that you can avoid making them uncomfortable. )

#i really hope this is comprehensible ;-; but yeah! i wish you luck <3 #i'm honestly not the best to ask about this either way (i've only once confessed that i loved someone; usually it's others who #end up asking if they can date me...) but this is generally how i'd go about it if i were in your position #ask #anonymous #long post

[punkpsychologist]

HELLO

AAA. OKAY. ITS BEEN A BIT. You know, I actually drafted this post before but my fucking power went out and I lost it. So here we go again.

Main parts of this motherfucker

where I've been

what happened (yes these are two different things)

where I'm going and how I feel about it

alrighty. so I successfully finished my first year of college at a community college near my home town. i worked asynchronously and was able to make it onto the dean's list again for the second semester!

so all of that was good and well but if you have read some of my previous posts you might know that there is a very specific Scholarship that i have been after. it was very important and was considered to be a deciding factor on if i would be able to go to a university and live in the dorms or not. i did not get the scholarship. my mother and i felt very confident that i would but it was very new and the school that created it had yet to really solidify how it worked and what it's requirements were. in otherwords, the prospect of the Scholarship was unstable from the beginning.

i never got any kind of email or correspondence that explicitly said that i would not receive the Scholarship but i found that it would primarily be given to sophomores. i'm a college first-year who is very close to achieving an associate's degree. my mother and i panicked back during my finals week over the Scholarship. after realizing that I would have a better chance if i had my associates, my mom and i made a plan to put me into a "maymester" course and to completely fill my summer with classes. if i was able to pass all of those classes, I would have my associates by august. now i mentioned that this plan was created during finals week, i was incredibly tired and my pms was putting me in a really bad space. i felt this kind of sense of hopelessness, like it all felt very fruitless. i was tired and i had been continuing on the thought that once i finished my finals that i would get to rest. after realizing how fruitless the effort could be, we scrapped that plan and opted to place me into a full load of classes for the second half of the summer, i was waaaayyyy more supportive of this. my classes begin on july 5th and im once again in the class of one of my favorite professors so we'll see how it goes.

it gets a little more interesting here. so i told you that i never was explicitly told that i was denied the Scholarship, so there was a period of time in the early summer where i was just kind of in this limbo of searching for answers. i was scrambled and panicked and felt rather hopeless. i need to leave home. it's not that my family is bad to me, quite the opposite. i am the only child of a single mother, my father overdosed on opioids when i was a toddler, and my mothers family stepped up to help raise me. i grew up extremely paranoid of people and was always very close to death-related situations. i was also sexually assaulted by someone close to me and couldnt tell anybody. i believe that i am a psychologically unhealthy individual. i have incredible amounts of empathy and sympathy for people, i am also extremely afraid of people. due to my anxiety mixed with my trauma and pms i go through phases of being paranoid and unjustly afraid of people that i love very much. the covid19 quarantine was the most enabling thing that has ever happened in my entire life. i didn't have to talk to anybody aside from my mother or leave my house. i made myself think i was safe and happy when in reality i was slowly allowing my anxiety to consume me. when i say this im serious, like having panic attacks in the grocery store because i cant manage all the people that i run into and lying to someone that i love very much because im afraid to go out and i dont know how to explain to him what exactly is making me act this way. i dont know how to function without my family, and they are all much older than me. i know they will die and i will eventually be left alone.

tldr: i need to be around people my own age and i need to be around them physically because my mental health has gotten out of hand

one of my friends inspired me to transfer to university a year earlier than initially projected. the Scholarship was needed to be able to go.

while in Scholarship limbo my mom straight up called me over and said "you know you're going to the dorms in the fall right?" and i stg its like i had a mini breakdown. AFTER ALL THAT FUCKING SHIT. I GET TO GO. I GET TO GO!!!!!!!!!! I DON'T KNOW WHY SHE DIDDN'T TELL ME EARLIER. THIS DID THIS WHEN I TRIED TO QUIT BAND IN HIGH SCHOOL AS WELL. MAN. I'm so happy, I can't possibly explain how simultaneously happy and afraid I am. Going off and to the dorms is the best possible outcome I could ask for but in yet it is the one that I feared the most. I wonder if this was her way of trying to get me to see how far I would go to try and scrounge up cash or if she wanted to see how devoted I was to the idea of university.

Either way. I have my dorm room and roommates secured. I was on campus a few days ago for an orientation. I also have a couple of friends as well as some organizations that I intend to join. For privacy purposes I still can't tell you all where I'm going or when exactly a lot of things are happening. I will probably upload pics of my room though.

If you're here, thank you. I hope you're doing alright, I genuinely hope anything youre struggling with becomes easier and that you find yourself struck with inspiration often <3

#college update #major college update #ouija vents #ouija talks #university #studyblr #university life #psych student #they let me in #punk academia

[sixstepsaway]

cw personal stuff, mental health, menstruation, adhd, medication, passively suicidal thoughts

so i have PMDD, which isnt great, and over the last decade or so i've been tweaking my entire life to try and make said life livable

a rundown: if i am unmedicated, have no vitamin supplements and do nothing in particular to handle my pmdd, i have three weeks out of every month where i am incredibly depressed, fatigued beyond reason, passively suicidal (as in: i do not think i would move if a boulder was going to run over me, but i am not going to go onto tinder to try and match with a boulder any time soon), apathetic about everything except (if i'm LUCKY, else the depression is worse) my current hyperfixation, unable to focus on anything (so my adhd is worse, which took me until a year ago to realize) and just...terrible

three weeks of every month

i figured out quickly that the pill helps, but i cant have the combined pill (i have migraines) so i'm stuck with the minipill (which is progesterone only, i believe?) of which one brand doesn't give me horrible side-effects

this brings me down to like.. a week and a half before my period is shitty? still passively suicidal, still terrible adhd issues, but less time

i called up my doctor who offered me antidepressants which i didnt really want and she recommended vitamin... B6? which i take a big supplement of, and i will admit helps a lot

but the thing that i hadnt realized was having a really strong (positive) effect is i started taking 5-HTP a few years ago in the hopes it would combat my depression and apathy, which it does! and i did not realize

until i got on my ADHD medication and came off my daily caffeine supplement (which i was using to self-medicate said ADHD) and the 5-HTP in the concern it might have a bad reaction

i'm being titrated on the ADHD medication rn (so week 1 is 20mg, week 2 is 30, week 3 is 40, week 3 (current!) is 50, and finally week 4 is 60, and the goal is to find the dose that has the best effect on my ADHD

this medication is amazing and my fatigue is all but gone, which is astonishing and makes me want to cry with a combination of relief and, i guess, grief? because i've lost 15+ years of my life to thinking my problem (CFSME, which I might still have but i dont KNOW and honestly probably never will) couldnt be medicated/fixed (CFSME they just send you home to rest and reduce stress like meh over here) and it actually could??? i just had the wrong target?? i thought my brain was okay but my body was fucked but actually my brain was broken this whole time? hahaha fuck

anyway that brings us to today where i am sitting here, really low, genuinely wishing a boulder would hit me up on tinder, not really giving a shit about anything (including going downstairs to wake my ducks up for breakfast, you know, the ducks i've been sewing diapers for, the ducks i love more than life itself), kind of wanting to cry

my apathy came back a week or so ago, and i've realized the apathy is what the 5HTP was effectively medicating as well as it was. and now i checked my bujo and sure enough this time last month was my pre-period week so no wonder i want to goddamn die

and i'm still stuck on mobile data (some guy did 60 in a 20 and knocked out the pole that held up all the wires at the bottom of our street and we've had no internet ever since, we're on tethered mobile data and have been this whole time, i have bought 22GB of mobile data and the first 10GB i went through like a flash because it turned out the tumblr app on my phone was using background data like crazy and i hadnt realized and now i'm refusing to buy more data because this is STUPID) and everything just feels helpless and hopeless

and i'm finally feeling all the things about the fact this could have been fixed. this could have been fixed years ago

i didnt have to live like this

#pp #adhd

[gisellevgonzalez]

Because I need to vent

It's been a while since i've posted something. I'm not sure where to start... I am living my best life but also one of the hardest time of my life. I am incredibly blessed but often get sad and numb. I have a lot of happy moments in my life but I wouldn't necessarily call myself a happy person. I feel wrong for feeling like this. I know if I tell someone this they could only think of all of the great things that I have going for myself. Just this year I graduated with my masters, traveled to Europe, had great memories with friends and family, and just recently got a new job that I should be ecstatic for but I'm not? Don't get me wrong... I am happy but also not excited. Lately it's been hard for me to feel excited for anything- for the future, or the present. I'm not sure if I'm unmotivated or if its hopelessness I struggle with. I don't always struggle with it but when it hits me it hits like a truck. But this year + has also been one of the hardest on my family with church/ ministry struggles and people leaving, my family struggling to keep the house and now it got taken away and we have no home, and the usual- the struggle with my brother. My sanity has been with me living an hour away in my own apartment and only coming home 2-3 times a week. But God has brought me back home and unconsciously it feels like he took that away from me. I felt as though I had nothing left for me in this city and I can't deny that submitting to God's will has been painful and i've tried to fight it but I want nothing else than to surrender my life that belongs to him. However, I have been left bitter and distant from God because of it. This year has been with so many ups and downs spiritually, but a lot more downs. I have no christian community and fellowship. The Sunday service word no longer feeds me. And I am left to getting out of this spiritual drought on my own. (to be continued) 👇🏼

But it has also been interesting because I am growing with God and do have my intimacy and closeness with him. I don't mean to be distant but it's hard when I am constantly at battle with life + myself and I am left exhausted. I know it's all for a purpose and that he's molding my character and future, but I can't deny that sometimes I feel like I'm drowning and all I want is to get unstuck but he wont allow it. Being back home is hard because there is constant stress. There is always something my parents are struggling with and now even more. They need a break from life but I can't give that to them. So I watch. And I carry that burden and weight I was never meant to carry. I didn't want to come back home. I wanted to stay in my apartment and be independent and now I am back and I want to cry all the time. I begged God that this wouldn't happen and now I have nothing left within me. He made me aware I was running away but that's what I wanted. There's also the part that I am about to turn 26 and I am back to living with my parents and the icing on the cake is that I am still single. Everything I hear has to do with "when I am going to get a boyfriend, why don't I have a boyfriend, what am i doing to get a boyfriend" honestly I'm tired of that too. Tired of hearing it, tired of being single, and tired of boys. I have no desire to "put myself out there", get on a dating app, or being set up with someone people know. At this point it just feels unrealistic the idea of me getting a boyfriend and getting married. But everyone around me has no problem in that department. I don't want to feel like I'm complaining but I cant help it. I have all these negative thoughts I have to wrestle with but I give in to them time and time again. One of the big ones is that I don't know what I have to look forward to. But then logic kicks in and I know this isn't permanent and that there are so many amazing things that are in store for my future. But how can I be happy for the future when I am focused on the struggles of today? I hope to look on this a year from now and feel different. Not feel the need to cry or numb myself almost everyday. And that I'll read this and realize it was such a little thing. Life is short and fragile and the struggles for today will mean nothing in the future. But rather I'll be able to look back and hopefully see the purpose in all this and that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I hope you're doing better Giselle. I hope you find meaning and joy in this life. I hope this sadness you feel isn't ongoing. I hope there a brighter and better days ahead. 🤍

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

hi again, its the same anon from this ask: https://www.tumblr.com/traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors/724050014752686080/hello-im-not-sure-what-im-looking-for-i-would?source=share

im in a bad space again and i dont really have anyone i can talk to, so while i still feel a bit guilty for dumping my problems on here, i figured it would be okay since you dont have any obligations to me.

thank you in advance, i really appreciated the response to my last ask.

trigger/content warnings: general depressive thoughts, gender dysphoria

first of all, sorry if this ask is all over the place. if im being honest, im not entirely sure about anything really. like what it is that i want, what im thinking and trying to say, what i feel even. i guess it makes sense though, because the past year or two - and even moreso the past several months - have been just overall confusing and overwhelming for me. im not sure about my place in the world anymore. not that i ever really was, i guess, but back then i at least had goals or some thoughts and ideas about what i wanted to do in life. now though, i dont have anything. i dropped out of school and quit my job. i lost most of my friends and i cant find it in me to talk to the ones i still sort of have. for a month or two i even convinced myself i was a lesbian because in some ways it was way easier than being a gay trans man, which is what ive gone back to identifying as. im not even sure why i tried to tell myself i was a lesbian and not a man, because even when i was telling people i was, it felt so wrong and uncomfortable. i felt dysphoric even worse than before and i still do.

while my gender dysphoria is still a really big struggle, i feel like the other things are more pressing. im not even sure how to describe it. its every symptom of depression down to the t but it feels different to me somehow? the past several months feel like theyve gone by so fast and i feel like ive missed so much. like ive missed the chance to make my life worth it. i know it sounds stupid because the teenage years arent even half of most people's lives but im almost 18 now and i feel like ive ruined my chances at ever being happy, of ever being worth something. i truly dont see myself ever doing something worth while and im so mad at myself for throwing my life away. i wish so bad that i could go back to high school and just tough it out. i wish even more that i couldve just been born a boy, somehow i think everything wouldve been better. i lose so much sleep over it. i feel like im grieving for a life i couldve lived. i never even got the chance to grow up as a boy and it makes me feel like nothing else is worth it.

theres so much more thats eating away at me but i feel bad for having already said so much. again im not really sure what im looking for, i guess just comfort? some kind of reminder to give me a little hope.

- maverick (signing my name because ill probably come back to vent again)

Hi maverick,

I'm sorry to hear about how things have been for you recently. It's clear from your message that you've been going through a lot, including struggles with your gender identity, depression, and a sense of lost time and opportunities. It's important to remember that you're not alone in these feelings, and many people go through periods of uncertainty in their lives. It's okay to feel confused and overwhelmed at times. The journey of self-discovery and understanding one's identity and place in the world can be incredibly complex and challenging.

It's important to remember that your gender identity is a deeply personal aspect of who you are, and it's entirely valid. It's not uncommon for individuals to question and explore their gender identity before finding what feels most authentic to them. It's a process, and it's okay if it takes time to fully understand and accept.

It's easy to feel hopeless at your age, but it's important to recognize that you still have the capacity to create a meaningful and fulfilling life ahead. Life is a nonlinear journey, and it's never too late to pursue your goals and find happiness. Also please know that it's natural to grieve the childhood you never got to have as a trans person, and this can be especially common in experiencing gender dysphoria. But it may be helpful to instead focus on your ability to live the life you want to live in the present.

If you can access or afford it, a mental health professional such as a therapist can help you navigate depression, gender dysphoria and other challenges you're facing. Please know that seeking support from friends, family, or a mental health professional can be an important step in finding comfort and hope during difficult times. You don't have to go through this alone, and there are people who care about your well-being.

I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks #maverick

[hffnjue4y]

my mood is unstable these days.

some days i feel like im on cloud 9. everything is perfect. we have hardships ahead, but theyre all manageable and worth it. they feel far away, and unclear. on those days, i cant even grasp what it is about her im so stressed about.

and then, like a switch, it can change. i feel unsure, stressed. it usually happens when we dont talk (she’s asleep right now) things feel hopeless, everything feels pointless. it’s like im exposed to a side of the world i never had to consider before- through her eyes. how much she was hurt, how much shes still hurting. how much she has to deal with. and it hurts me. i wanna live in oblivion again sometimes. i didnt know how much of this world i wasnt seeing before.

i tried talking to other people, they often make things worse- i dont wanna feel like i have to defend this relationship. i want people to be happy for us, not worry about me. and i know typing that makes it all sound incredibly abusive, which it isnt. i dont know what to do anymore.

i love her so much. i think i need to address that attachment we have. this often overwhelms me just how much she occupies my mind, her, our relationship. i think im starting to understand what she told me back then- about how loving fictional characters means theres no expectations back. they cant disappoint you. real people are way harder. and i think i didnt know it so far cause i never let myself truly attach to anyone.

now there are stakes. we’re both emotionally involved, to a point where we can hurt each other a lot. and thats scary.

i worry about her being “unregulated” but then again, am i regulated? my mood swings so dramatically. i overthink. i talk too much about this relationship but no one seem to understand. im confused. im not sure what i want in life anymore. i want to be away from here, i want her close with all my family and friends. i want her, im scared of her (our relationship and attachment). i get really nervous and anxious around fights, aggression, loud noises, and sometimes she triggers it.

i dont want to stress her out anymore. she’s doing good these days, and i think this stress will pass shortly. i dont feel like bringing her down with my uncertainty and doubts all the time- im afraid she might think im gonna leave her. we need to fix our trust, but i think only time will tell here.

talking with mom today freaked me out. she doesnt seem to trust this relationship will last. mom’s view of my girlfriend means the world to me. i wish they could meet. im afraid that when they meet mom wont like her, or worst, shed think she isnt good for me. im afraid shes seeing things that i dont. but she also doesnt have the full picture.

i dont know how much of things right now come from the fact that im unemployed, but at my grandparents place, feeling directionless. i think i might be depressed. and someone i love is so far away, its almost impossible to cross that distance without committing in a way. so of course its scary.

today i woke up from a nap feeling pretty bad. i missed her texts and the part of me that still hangs to her desperately wants to spend every moment together.

HOW. DO. I. MAKE. THIS. HEALTHY?

was this doomed from the start?

whos to say whats healthy and whats not?

are these fears common, because im new to relationships of this level?

if i have the thought, does it mean its true?

things to do:

- do. not. put. your. emotional. well. being. after. anyone. elses.

- trust you gut??? i have no idea anymore, this changes every day.

- mental illness isnt the end of the world. it makes things hard for her, yes, but its not unlivable. trust her to do her best and support her.

[dumbbitchfrommars]

i finished bridgerton and im sad. im sad because i feel like lady danbury deserved more... and im scared that my life will end up like hers. i dont know. i feel like we all deserve more than a life without love. 

today was so hard. every day feels so hard lately. im so overwhelmed with emotions, and ive been punishing my sister. im sad that i wasted our time together being like this but she was annoying me too... but she doesnt deserve to feel like a problem, or like she has to step on eggshells around me. i keep on facing this darkside of myself and its disappointing and shameful. im selfishly angry and aggressive and mean. i need to loosen up on others, and be kinder, and warmer, and all those good things that i feel like arent being provided to me. im sad shes leaving tomorrow cause i dont know when well see each other again. probably in 3 months... i hope. last time was 6 months ago... it will fly by! 

in this economy its getting harder and harder to see the people we care about. but shes only a flight away...! i dont know. i guess its sad feeling so distanced again now that were changing and we dont talk as much. i want to be there for her but were going through entirely different situations. 

im frustrated by my lack of a backbone. i hate my job but i do nothing about it. UGH! i hate the types of men im attracting yet i dont send them away, i open my life to them. when i know that by doing so i leave no space for the keanu reaves/oscar isaac/tom hardy types that i know i want and deserve. UGH! what happened to the bad bitch with a good music taste, amazing style, sexy attitude and too cool for school vibes? i completely lowered myself to feel validated by pathetic boys, only to wonder why i feel like nothing when i realise their validation means nothing. in fact, it actually lowers my worth, because now i think that i belong in their league. 

i win at life when i realise my focus could be on myself instead of boys and relationships. i cant help it im a horny hopeless romantic! i miss the days where i was consumed by my stories enough to distract me from the real thing. now im indecisive over a dilf that i absolutely know is not the right decision for me.

anyways, yes, im sad and pathetic and wallowing in all my annoying and inconvenient emotions because im a woman and im definitely not living up to my full, amazing, beautiful, incredible, awesome potential. ONE DAY! one day. ugh. thats what makes it all so much worse, honestly. knowing everything im capable of, but sitting here idly being bored and drained by my lack of stimulation. its such an easy thing to fix, no? im surrounded by distractions. i just need discipline, to detach myself from this addiction to distraction. i managed to free myself from weed and bad people. even cigarettes, though that never really counted for me, i was never addicted, i am strong willed. i can free myself from this too! i am already so dedicated to my body, making myself the strongest i can be to feel my best and most confident. but the final piece of the puzzle is strengthening my mind, and my wit. wow. 

this feels like such a revelation now that ive managed to conceptualise it. like all this time ive been so lost, and confused, and wondering what was missing from my awareness, to help me understand what ive been doing wrong. its this! i need to dedicate myself to my mind. it will solve everything ive ever felt insecure about! i will be a better writer, i will be a better student, a better marine biologist, a better friend, a better guest, a better partner, a better employee, a better person. a better creative. and a better divine being. because with knowledge comes connection to all things...

im figuring it out. im on my own path and timeline. and ill take it step by step. and one day ill look back and smile and laugh and cry about the journey ive managed to complete, all on my own. always on my own. because i am a strong, independent, magical woman. with music to heal and soothe me, and those who came before me to teach me and guide me, and my loved ones to support me and celebrate me, i will accomplish everything i ever dreamed or wished for! like i always said so. i am determined. i am determined. i am capable of anything i put my mind to. i will expand my knowledge, and become a makeup artist, and become a marine biologist, and get my divers certificate, and do beautiful makeup for my beautiful friends, and create endless stories, and memories, and love, and acceptance, and nurture myself as a gorgeous flower only learning to bloom. 

[bw-ventblog]

This is literally just for me to vent and diary about so here I go

Just got out of massive depressive episode and haven't had an alcoholic drink in a week, which is a big deal for me. I'm usually drunk or high to get through the day. I know its not healthy but like? I cant afford to see a doctor or get medicine to help me. That costs hundreds or thousands or dollars. A bottle of vodka is like $15

I dont wanna be dependent on these things but there are days I wake up and just sob because I feel so pathetic and hopeless about the future. My disability prevents me from movimg away but I desperately want to get out of this house

My mom touched me when I was 4. It was like a weirdly repressed memory until recently, and now that it's back it's like it's been laser engraved into my brain. Every time I see her I get phantom pains. It flashes theough my head every SINGLE time. I think about how it was the worst pain I've ever endured, having her finger shoved inside of me as I kicked and screamed and begged her to stop. On top of that theres just so much else. She's called me slurs before, calling me a "half-breed n*gger d*yke" and a "r*tarded cripple". She made fun of my developing body, mocked the size of my aerolas to the point I'm still self conscious about it as a 24 y/o. She was always making comments about how fat bodies are disgusting and she hated "cows"; I was so afraid of her thinking of me like that I developed anorexia and battled it for 3 long years.

When I was little and struggling with mental illness, she had our police officer neighbor come over and tell me that my parents were going to send me away because I was such a horrible kid. She threatened to send me to a group home or give me away to foster care if I didn't listen to her and perform as expected. She used to grab me in a chokehold and force tabasco sauce into my mouth when I was like 7, and the taste and pain was so much I'd vomit. She'd smack me across the face or shove me into the wall kr refrigerator, then make me clean up the puke before sending me to my room. Once she even dragged me by my hair to the bathroom, bodily threw me into the tub, and hosed me down with freezing cold water after I threw up on my clothes.

It wasn't until recently that I realized that that's NOT NORMAL. That all of those things were incredibly abusive and traumatizing. And this woman has the gall to say she loves me and always did her best to care for me. I am terrified to be at home. I had to move back in with my parents during covid due to my worsening health putting me in a wheelchair. I can't work so I can't move out, I feel constantly trapped and afraid. She randomly threatens to throw me out once every few months, and constantly guilt trips and belittles me about the slightest thing. I just stay locked in my room most of the time because I'm scared to be around her