#but i cant fucking leave people because im too stupid and clingy and loving even if they scare and hurt me

[cowboy-robooty]

hiyaaa i was looking through ur art and was wondering if u could elaborate on why u think prumano would be toxic and evil if they were dating anyone else. 😀 thank youuuu! i <3 ur hcs in case u couldnt tell

hello my loyal prumanohead. it has been literally 2 months since you asked this i am so sorry i did that to you. not even gunna get into what happened my lord anyways okie LETS ANSWER DIS BAD BOY!!!

ANYWAYS OMIGAWD I LOVE PRUMANO SO SO SO see i actually talked all about this with my bruder LMV (user lucianoirlmurdervictim) like an hour ago on minecraft but theyre made for eachother because prussia is too stupid to die from romanos aids and romano is too insane to die from prussias aids. prussia is a terrible boyfriend. hes loud hes direct he doesnt think before he does things and above all he cant fucking take a hint ever hes an idiot he never THINKS but hes always like yay!!! 360 noscope gamer time! hes loud and just constantly parties and has fun no matter what and thats what makes him able to survive romano, an even worse boyfriend. romano is fucking psychotic. that bitch is constnatly on PMS he is an idiot he is a tsundere but a violent and cruel at that. its always his way or the highway and he gets mad at literally everything at all times but see prussua is too fucking stupid to feel damage when romano hurls insults at him and tries to make him die because everyone already does that to prussia so he just goes "DAWWWEEE I LOVE YOU ROMANO CHAN!!! <3" romano to prussia is basically a "nobody can bully you but me" boyfriend except prussia doesnt even think hes being bullied at all so they end up matching perfectly bc prussia's ignorance in relationships acts as an antidote to romanos violence and romanos violence ends up just making him pay attention to prussia at all times and prussias like OMIGAWD HE DIDNT LEAVE ME ON READ OR GHOST ME!!!! 😍😍. i actually think that prumano is really funny because romano wants to be really toxic and evil but is just too stupid to be able to and prussia is too stupid to get trapped by it. like because i wrote a whole prumano bible post before that i assume youve read but to reiterate i think prumano is special together because romano is able to learn the joys of loving instead of only desiring to be loved. because prussia loves him and because he doesnt care abt romanos insanity it feels like an unconditional love and its able to make romano chill out on his desperate need to be a pillow princess (since he doesnt have to fight for it for once) and realize that he enjoys loving prussia too. he wants to be the one who makes prussia smile too. romano learns he desires prussia because he likes seeing him happy too not only because he likes when prussia makes ROMANO happy. i think in most relationships romano has at the core he usually mainly likes people because they like him, not because he really likes them. so because prussia unlocks this true love shit in romano by being a tone deaf idiot whos constantly selfish and clingy to romano even when hes furious, romano gets his possessiveness HARDCORE. since i believe that romano inherently has a possessiveness built in him because yknow hes the fail italy brother mf literally gets NOTHING for his entire life. he dont even get the name italy hes fucking romano rodf. i think romano is very possessive towards prussia even though he constantly tries to kill him and because of that and his general inexpereince in relationships and his tsundereism it mixes together to make him actually have pretty toxic intentions because he genuinely loves prussia. i think hes the type of fella to be like "grrr.... i dont like when prussia is spending so much time with other people... hell no im not gunna tell him i miss him thats some fucking gay shit... i think instead i will punish him everytime he talks to his friends so he'll do that less. yes thats a very normal thing to do." and obviously you can see how that could lead to a super duper toxic relationship all bc romano refuses to communicate and i think in relationships with other people it would end up becoming toxic bc the other person would obviously catch on and become isolated n shit and all the bad shit would happen. but not prussia he built stupid 😍 because prussia doesnt notice when romano is being exceptionally mean to him as a punishment bc he just cant pick things up since hes too wrapped up in his own world. he cant pick up subtle queues from his partner so hes like la de da with romano

and doesnt get manipulated at all to become isolated or anything. plus romanos way of manipulating is fucking stupid and terrible too because he only thinks of trying to pavlovs dog other people to get what he wants or make them think theyre cursed unless they do what he wants without telling them what he wants. so hell punish/curse prussia by like putting spiders in his drinks secretly and thinks to himself "heh. that should teach him. next time hell know he should be only smiling at ME" and prussia just thinks that maybe he should change his name to spider georg after accidentally swallowing the 15 spider in a row. so really. i guess because romanos so incapable at manipulation it wouldnt really be hed be a toxic boyfriend more like just make life insufferable (on top of the fact ur dating romanos personality). so anyways though. i hope this answered ur question idk i kinda rambled abt prumano bc rn its hard to explain the intricucies of how they are perfect for eachother because they are the antidote to eachothers aids. but i hope you get what im sayin here 😍 i think actually prumano is like the mirror evil version of itager, but thats a whole nother post and maybe ill write it if someone asks me or if i feel like it. they make me crazy asf okay i lovee prumano i should write a prumano fanfic romano chan is so crazy hes so #girl they love eachother FOREVER <3

heres a old doodle of italy i did to test a pen. sorry i need to answer this now or else ill never answer it ever so i cannot get up rn and draw prumano or else this ask will be answered probably never 💔

#i also think bc romano can expell his demons onto prussia he never builds up enough anger to actually say n do shit that will hurt him #like as in make prussia wanna kms or genuinely make him feel like he wants to die #he knows where the line is and he always goes right up to it but would never cross it #and prussia only reacts when people cross his line they can get as close and they like and he does nothing so it works out #romano be my possessive king fr #dont even get me STARTED on how he feels about prussias past love with friedrich #ask #hetalia #aph italy #hws italy #prumano #romapru #draws

[spideymarvelws]

What would frat Peter! Be like if he found out the reader is a Virgin?

i put to much time into this

Main Masterlist / Add Yourself To My Taglists

Warnings : SMUT! (dirty talk, slight degrading, protected sex, oral [fem rec]), cursing, floof, peter going from simp to cocky real quick

Word Count : 4.6k (okay why is this longer than 90% of my oneshots i-)

Frat!Peter finding out the fem!reader is a virgin

It all starts when you and Mj are lounging in your shared apartment watching a movie like you both did every Sunday

The both of you were cuddled into the endless amount of blankets on either side of the couch, eyes trained on the bright screen in front of you

But your mind was focused on something else, namely a certain brown haired boy that just couldn’t seen to leave you alone

Peteyboi💗👀: hows the movie going lovebug??

you : lovebug?

you : thats a new one

Peteyboi💗👀: just trying out new things

Peteyboi💗👀: spicing stuff up a bit yk?

Peteyboi💗👀: do you like it?

you : im not really opposed to it

Peteyboi💗👀: ill add it to the list then

you : list?!

Peteyboi💗👀: pretend you didn't read that

You giggled at your boyfriends words, mouthing a quick sorry to MJ when she gave you a hard glare with the sudden burst of noise

But you couldn't help it, every time you saw the notification pop up on your phone, you couldn't help but act like a lovesick teenager falling in love for the first time

At this point the both of you had been dating for around seven months

Seven months of cliche coffee dates and pulling all nighters

Seven months of stolen kisses in the library or holding hands under the table during lectures

Seven months of pure bliss

“So why haven’t you guys fucked yet?” MJ said abruptly shaking you out of your love sick stare texting Peter

“I’m sorry, what!?”

“You know,” she pounded her fist into the palm of her hand repeatedly, “Sex,”

 “What- I-” you shook your head, trying to process her words, “How did this come up all of a sudden?”

“Since you decided to ignore me on our movie night,” she smirked, “Were you sexting him?”

“WHAT!”

“So I’ll take that as a no?”

“Yes thats a no!” you buried yourself further into the blankets, “Should-” you took a deep breath, “should it be a yes?”

“I don’t know, should it?”

“Oh that’s a good question! Almost like I already asked it,”

Mj laughed at your pouty glare

“No, no it shouldn’t,” she rested a comforting hand on your leg, “Do you want it to be though?”

Yes you did

More than anything

It was stupid, but what you had with Peter was different from anything you’ve had with other people in the past

He was everything a girl could ask for, smart, caring and a sweet personality that could make anyone smile

Let’s not mention his impressive build

And out of all the girls and guys that threw themselves at him, he choose you to love

You wanted to take that step with him, but you were scared that he would reject you

You weren’t experienced, in any way, to the point where you were completely innocent 

And you were dating a frat boy, the name that carried the reputation of sleeping around with most people on campus

How could you match up to that?

You couldn’t help but feel insecure in that area

The most you’ve ever went with Peter was a heavy make-out, it happened quite often too but he always stopped things before they went any further

There wasn’t any explanation, only peter bringing you close to cuddle for the rest of the night, forgetting the spit covering his lips and neck

Which lead you to make your own and none of them were exactly positive

Didn’t stop you from imagining a life where he wouldn’t drop you figuring how untalented you were in bed though

Or just daydreaming of him railing you out of existence

im looking you

“Yes?” you covering your face with your hands, embarrassed with your confession, “I don’t know about him though,”

MJ was aware that you were a virgin but only scoffed at your answer, “Oh come on, that boy is head over heels for you, why wouldn’t he want to fuck you,”

You felt your face heat up with the choose of words, “If he did wouldn’t he have made a move by now?”

“Better question, have you noticed his moves,”

Her question made you think as she continued

“Because I sure have,” 

“What do you mean?”

She rolled her eyes, “The looks he gives you when your not paying attention,” she started to count on her fingers, “Always touching you, constantly, like all the time. Biting his lip anytime you do anything remotely sexual and always blushes afterwards because he caught himself. Oh! Remember that time you wore that skirt? Like the pretty tight one? Yeah, his eyes were on your ass for like the whole day-”

“Okay, okay you could stop now I get it,” you groaned, “How do you know all of this?”

“I’m observant,”

“Makes sense.”

“The point is, he’s is definitely interested in you Y/n, it’s just a matter of you showing interest back.”

“I-” you sighed, “I can’t do that mj,”

“Like hell you can’t,” she rolled your eyes but pried your hands away from your face softly, “Do you want him to be your first Y/n?”

You nodded your head, “Yeah,” you looked back at her, “Yeah, I do,”

“Then you need to talk it out with him, see where you both stand when it comes to that regard in your relationship,” 

“I know, I know, I’m just scared for his reaction,”

MJ only sighed, “This is Peter we’re talking about y/n, he’d respect your boundaries until your ready, and I know you’ll respect his. Its just a matter of who makes the first step,”

“Okay, okay,” you took a deep breath, “I’ll just ask him when I could see him again and just-” you paused, “Ask him,”

“There we go!” MJ cheered as you reached for your phone

Peteyboi💗👀: hello??

Peteyboi💗👀: hellooooooooo

Peteyboi💗👀: is this about the list?

Peteyboi💗👀: i promise ill try them all out sugar

Peteyboi💗👀: ...

Peteyboi💗👀: tbh i didnt like that one

You looked up at MJ, motivated by her reassuring eyes and words, you texted back

you : dont worry petey, the list is cute 😂

Peteyboi💗👀: good good

Peteyboi💗👀: did mj catch you??

you : maybe

you : i blame your clinginess

Peteyboi💗👀: i thought you said you liked my clinginess🥺

you : never said it was a bad thing 😘

Peteyboi💗👀: you implied it tho 😪

you : nah

you : i think thats just you

“What did he say?” MJ interrupted, her legs bouncing up and down anxiously

“I- uh, didn’t get to it yet,”

“I will take that phone, throw it across the room and make you do this in person if you keep stalling,”

You didn’t want to test her words

you : i miss you tho

Peteyboiiii💗👀: sorry babe, just been really busy with the internship

you : i know petey dw

you : do you know when you’ll be free next?

Peteyboiiii💗👀: uuuuhhhh

Peteyboiiii💗👀: the guys are suppose to be out Thursday

Peteyboiiii💗👀: i was suppose to tell you tomorrow but you beat me too it😂

you : oh really?

Peteyboiiii💗👀: would be just the two of us...

fuck circumstances

you : its a date then?

Peteyboiiii💗👀: hey! thats my line😤

you : sorry for stealing your thunder loverboy

Peteyboiiii💗👀: 👁👄👁

you : oh so you could do pet names but i cant???

Peteyboiiii💗👀: never said it was a bad thing 👀

you : ...

you : goodnight peter

The couple of days leading up to the Thursday were stressful to say the least

But MJ was there to hype you up, telling you everything that you should expect, what signals to use and even going out of her way to buy you a red set of lingerie

“It’s going to be awkward at first-”

“Well no shit it’s going to be awkward at first,”

“Hey! No talking back to your teachers,”

“Sorry...”

The drive to the house was nerve wrecking

You were anxious to see his reaction, but even with the doubt clouding your head, there was a ray of light that passed through, reminding you that Peter wasn’t that type of guy

That these past months have proved that he loved you, and you loved him

That he wanted this just as much as you did

You just needed to show him that

He greeted you at the door with a bear hug, rocking you back and forth in his arms

“I’ve missed you angel,” he whispered into your ear, pressing a kiss to your neck that made the hairs on your skin raise

“Angel?” you squeaked, “Where did that come from?”

“The list remember?” he pulled back, beaming brighter than you’ve ever seen, “going down one by one. I quite like this one though,” his voice lowered, “Angel, suites you don’t your think?”

“Yeah,” you cleared your throat, “Could we go inside?”

“Yeah of course,” his hand squeezed your waist, moving to small of your back and leading you inside

You didn't know how long you could last. With the new pet names, your hyperawareness to his touch and all of his words suddenly having new meaning behind them

You started to miss being so oblivious

“It’s been so long since we’ve had a day together, holy shit,” he said, falling back against the cushions of his couch with his thighs spread making you gulp, “come here,”

“Huh?”

He pouted, “I want to cuddle with my girlfriend so come here,”

the dude likes cuddles leave him alone

You shook your head, remembering MJ’s words,

“First step, get into the bedroom,”

“Wouldn’t it be more comfortable in your room?”

Peter’s head tilted to the side in confusion, “We have the whole house to ourselves and you want to spend it in my room?”

You nodded, walking up to him and stretching out your hand for him to take, “What’s so wrong with your room?”

“nothing, nothing,” he sighed taking your hand and standing up, “Just not as comfy as the couch,”

“You’re just being dramatic,”

“Dramatic?” he teased, raising your hand to spin you around, pulling your back to his chest, “I know nothing of a sort,”

You knew it was suppose to be playful, you knew he was just teasing you like he always did

But the feeling of his hard chest against your back, his hair tickling the base of your throat and his arms wrapped strongly around your waist, keeping you tight against him

You couldn't help but imagine this in a very different scenario

“Ready to go then?”

You nodded, not sure if you could even form words correctly at that point

Peter smirked and within one motion he had you in his arms bridal style, taking you to the stairs that lead to his room

“Nothing of a sort my ass,” you mumbled into his neck, cracking a smile when you felt the vibrations of his chuckles rumble from his chest

“You should know me well enough by now angel,” he kicked open his door, closing it back with the heel of his shoe, “I like to play,”

You sure fucking hoped so

You shrieked when he threw you down on his bed, hopping on top of you and holding you down so you couldn’t move

“Peter!” you whined, giggling when his fingers trailed up your side

“What’s wrong angel?” he kissed your noise, moving to kiss your cheeks, your forehead and finally a small peck on your pouty lips, “Do you not like this,”

“No, no, no,” you cupped his face, keeping him still do you could look at him directly, “I love this,”

“good,” he whispered, bumping his nose against yours, lips brushing against each other, “Good,”

“great,” you whispered back, hesitantly raising your head to connect your soft lips on his

It was slow, reminding you of the first time you kissed in the park, trying to figure out you’d lead, you’d follow. Getting the timing right when opening your mouths, and tilting your heads at the right angle for the perfect combination of comfort and touch

It was almost like he was memoizing the motion, stopping after every movement before continuing again sometimes with the same thing or trying out something new

Soon enough his hands gripped the side of your waist, pulling you up slightly to flip the both of you over so that you were on top

He pulled you closer, your chest practically moulding into his when his tongue swiped along your bottom lips, asking for entrance

You gave it to him immediately, letting him explore your mouth in any way he wanted

It went on like that for a few minutes, just the two of you sloppily making out in the middle of his bed. You tried to take it a bit further, grinding your hips subtly but his grip tightened and he pulled away, pressing his forehead against yours

“I missed that angel,” he whispered, grinning at your small giggle

“Me too,” you paused, letting out a shaky breath, trying to recover from the kiss and ignore the wet feeling in your pants, “Could I ask you something?”

“Anything,”

It was now or never, “Why did you stop?”

“Well I- uh, didn’t think you would want to kiss for the rest of the day,” he laughed to cover the crack in his voice, “I know I’m irresistible angel, but you don’t want to wear me out so soon,”

You bit your lip, “But what if that’s what I want?”

Peter’s eyes widened as he shifted on the bed, “You- you want that?”

“Only if you do,” you started to regret your words, “You know what? Just forget I said anything-”

He quickly cut you off with a kiss making you gasp lightly at the sudden contact, “I want that more than anything,” he said quickly, “It’s just- I don’t want to force you into anything, didn’t want to make you feel obligated in any way,”

“I- I want this peter,” your said, feeling the heaviness on your chest disappear, “I want this with you,”

“Are you sure?”

“More than anything.”

“Okay, okay,” he nodded, trying to hid his smile as he lifted you off his lap, laying you gently on the bed, “Hold on, I’ll be right back,”

You watched with your head tilted in confusion when peter walked out of the room only to come back with a blindfold in his hands

“Petey, as much as i would love to, you know it’s my first time and uh-”

He quickly caught on to what your implying, burning bright red, “No, no, no that’s not what this is for,” he scratched the back of his neck, “I want your first time to be special and this is a bit rushed but I want to surprise you and make it nice,”

“Oh,” you stood up, “Okay yeah,”

Peter walked behind you, gently laying the blindfold around your eyes and tying it behind your head. He leaned down to place a cheeky kiss on your neck, trailing up to behind your ear

“Stay here,” he demanded softly before stepping away leaving you frozen in place

He couldn’t help but stand back for a few minutes and admire your state. Your feet were tilted inward, hands rubbing your shoulders with your head tilted down

The perfect display of submission

But he had to kick those thought aside, just for today

After a couple of minutes of waiting, you jumped when you felt hands on your arms, calming when you recognised the rough skin

“Are you ready?” he could hear the smile in his words

“Yes,”

The blind fold feel from your face, your eyes blinked rapidly, trying to adjust to the light

But it was a lot darker than before, the lights dimmed drawing attention to the groups of candles sitting on his nightstand. The sheets were different as well, the white blankets replaced with soft black ones, the grey pillows now red with intricate designs sewn into them

“It isn't much but, I hope it’s everything you dreamed it would be,”

“It’s that and more Peter,” you smiling, turning around in his arms to place a quick kiss to his cheek, “Now it’s time for my surprise,”

You pushed him down on the edge of the bed, turning around and taking off your hoodie, shuffling out of your black tights to reveal the lingerie 

You turned around with a harsh exhale, feelings small under his gaze

“fuck, you were ready for tonight weren’t you baby?”

You fiddled with your fingers in front of him, “MJ helped me,”

“Figured,” he took your hand, pulling you back to gently straddle his waist, “You’d be beautiful in a potato sack angel, you have nothing to worry about,”

You shook your head, wrapping your arms around his shoulders and settling in his lap, “I find that hard to believe,”

“Then let me show you,”

He leaned in, kissing your lips briefly and pulling back, smirking when you mindlessly chased them

“tease,” you muttered, your forehead falling against his

“You love it,” 

“Yeah, yeah I do,”

You both leaned back in, your mouths perfectly in sync as your lips moved against one another, the practise before hand helping tremendously  

Your arms tightened around his neck, your hands running through his soft brown locks, tugging lightly on the strands

He groaned into your mouth, bitting the your bottom lip and pulling lightly, “You’re going to be the death of me angel, you know that?”

You only giggled, “Seems more like a you problem,”

“Oh? Is that how it is,”

You nodded shyly, playing with the edge of his shirt, “I just think it’s unfair that I’m the only one without a shirt on,”

Peter bit his bottom lip, reaching down and pulling off his shirt and connecting your lips right after. He hooked his arms under your thighs, lifting you up as he stood and lying you back down on the bed

He moved his lips from yours, down your throat to your colour bone, leaving his own marks in the process

Sealing you as his

And his only

“Can I?” he gestured to the front clip of your bra

You nodded, lost in the feelings of his lips on your skin

“Words angel,”

“Yes, yes please,”

He laughed, “Didn’t even get to the main event and you’re already begging for me,” 

You whined, “Peter,”

“Sorry, sorry,” he mumbled, unclipping the garment, helping you raise slightly so he could fully discard it to the side

“Beautiful,” he whispered before latching his mouth on your left nipple, stimulating the other with his forefinger and thumb

“Oh my god,” your hand shot to his hair, tugging at them slightly while the other took the sheets tightly in its palm

“Feeling good angel?” he smirked knowing damn well the answer

He just wanted to hear you say it

“So good Peter,”

He chuckled, switching to the other nipple, “We haven’t even reached the good part Y/n,”

You only let out a shaky sigh, your hand falling from his hair once he started to move further down your body

He liked that he could make you melt with the minimum things he could do

He wanted to remind you that he had the power to do so

And you enjoyed it

Your back arched when he kissed down your stomach, his fingers trailing down the side and hooking them on the lace of your panties

He looked up at you, waiting for your confirmation 

“Please,” you said once again, raising your legs slightly so he could take them off easily

“So needy,” he muttered, taking them off in once motion, crawling back up to place himself between your thighs, “Going to make you feel so good angel, so fucking good,”

His arms wrapped themselves snuggly around the base of your leg, pulling your core down closer to his face

“Ready?” he purred, trailing kisses up your thigh

“Yes,”

“Good.”

He took a bold lick up the length of your pussy, his tongue swirling around the bud of your clit

“Holy fuck Peter!” you shouted, bitting down on your finger to suppress your noise

“No, no, no angel I want to hear you,” he almost growled, “I want to hear you scream for me, know that I’m the only one that would ever get to hear and make you feel this way,”

His possessiveness turned you on even more

You slowly moved your hand from your mouth, placing it down by your side as peter continued eating your pussy like a starved man, listening to your moans and paying attention to your sudden jerks and reactions to his movements

“Taste so good angel, fuck. I’ve been fantasising about this moment ever since I laid eyes on you,” his fingers started to play with your lips, “The things i’ve wanted to do you, to absolutely ravish you, make you my own” he plunged his finger slowly into you, his strength keeping you pressed against the mattress, “But that’s for later, today is all about you,”

You couldn't even form a word when he added a second finger, sending your head back against the pillows. It was so much, his mouth toying with your clit, his fingers entering you that were so much thicker than yours, hitting places that made your eyes roll to the back of your head in pleasure

With the third finger you could feel something change, a sudden spike run up your body, clearing your mind of everything but the feelings of your high quickly approaching

“Peter I-”

“Going to cum angel? Gonna cum all over fingers?”

“Yes Peter fuck!”

“Go ahead Y/n, cum for me,”

You high reached with his words, shaking your body. Peter slowed his pace, dragging out your orgasm for as long as possible

He crawled back up your body, stilling his fingers inside of you while littering your blown out face with kisses, awarding you with his touch

“You did so well angel,” he whispered, “So fucking well,”

“Really milking the use out of that name huh?” you managed to mummer, throwing your arms lazily around his neck, not wanting him to leave any time soon

“Do you want me to change it?” he teased, pulling out his fingers, muttering a small sorry when you winced

He brought his fingers to his mouth, sucking your wetness of his skin while more continued to form at his dirty display

“How about...” his fingers popped out of his mouth, moving to caress your face, leaving a trail of his spit down your cheek, “Princess, my pretty princess,”

Your legs clenched at his tone and new name, making Peter giggle, “Princess it is then,”

He reached over to his bedside table, grabbing a condom and ripping the package open. He rolled the plastic on his impressing length, making you both drool and scared that that’s what was going inside of you

When he took off his sweatpants? you didn’t know

He flipped the both of you over for what felt like the hundredth time that day. His hands were tight on your hips, keeping you hovered over his hard cock

“We go at your pace okay?” his looked at you with dark eyes, “Are you sure that-”

You cut him off with a messy kiss, taking his member into your hand and guiding it to your hole 

“You talk to much,” you mumbled, taking the red tip inside you with a groan

He moaned with you, your pussy tight and snug 

“Take it easy,” he whispered, whipping off a bead of sweat that began to form on your forehead, “We have all the time in the world,”

“So big,” you whimpered, slowly take him inch by inch. Soon enough you started to loose balance on your knees, falling forward with your hands on his chest and your thighs relaxing, letting him bottom out inside of you

“Fuck,” you both said in unison, letting out a breathy laugh

“It kinda hurts,” 

“Well I’m not exactly average in that department-”

You scoffed, moving around on his lap, trying to find a comfortable position

“Tell me how you’re feeling princess,”

“It- it’s getting better,” you were fully relaxed now, “I- I want to start moving,”

“Go ahead Y/n,” he raised himself up so that his chest was pressed against yours, “I’ll guide you okay?”

“Okay, okay,”

You started moving up and down, more so just humping his body because your legs already starting to feel weak

But peter was patient with you, constantly making sure you were okay and keeping his eyes on your body

Not like he wanted to take them of of you

You looked angelic above him

No wonder the name suited you so much

Your mouth open, hips moving slowly bringing the both of you pleasure you’ve never experience before

He wanted to keep that picture in his mind forever, framed in his memory

Because you weren’t some girl at a party he picked up or guy he drunkly made out with

You were someone he loved, with all his heart 

That trusted him enough to share this moment with him

And just perfect an every way

“You’re doing so well princess,” he groaning, staring to rut his hips back into yours, making your moans grow even louder

“Fuck,” you fell against his chest, “Peter,”

“You want me to take control princess? Too fucked out already?” he couldn’t help himself while muttering those words, getting lost in the feeling of you

“Please peter I can’t-” he cried, “Please,”

“I got you princess,” he planted his feet on the mattress, thrusting up roughly into you, “I always got you,”

He began pounding into you, gradually getting faster and faster as your whines and moans grew louder and louder

Your second orgasm was quick on its way, and with Peter’s pace becoming irregular, you could tell he was almost there as well

“So fucking tight princess,” he groaned, pressing his cheek against yours, “Are you close,”

You mewled in response

“Cum with me princess, scream my name and cum on my cock,”

“Peter!” you shouted, cumming hard on his member and sagging against his chest

You could feel the condom begin to fill up inside of you, his hips stilling against yours

Part of you wondered how it would feel shooting inside of you without the protection

From there it was a blur, the feelings of peters lips against your skin, his arms wrapped around you, something cold and wet moving across your body

You caught your bearings when Peter pulled you into his chest, his shirt now covering your form along with the same fluffy blankets that covers the couch downstairs

Peter started, “That was-” 

“Amazing,” you finished for him, giggling and cuddling further into his chest

Peter looked down at you, his hand caressing your face like he did moments before but this time his touch was filled with comfort and reassurance, “Are you alright?”

“Better than I’ve ever been,” you giggled, peter chuckling along with you

“I think I’m going to need to start adding names to that list,” 

You looked up at him, “Like what?”

He sighed, a sly smile forming on his face

“I think I’ll start off with my little slut,”

...

fun fact, this was originally gonna be different types of frat peter like cocky, soft etc like some fucking frat peter multi verse but i just lost interest halfway through. 

My mind just said no♥️ so i scraped that and this was born instead

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Peter Parker Taglist : @ietss @itscaminow @dummiesshort @seutarose @cebaratn16 @lanceyfancypants @clara-licht @sadassflatass @usuck @yeah-seems-legit @lolasm0nst3r @hogwarts-is-my-home23

#peter parker #peter parker x reader #peter parker x fem!reader #peter parker x you #peter parker x y/n #peter parker smut #peter parker fluff #frat!peter #fratboy!peter #fratboy!peter paker x reader #college!peter parker #college!peter #college!peter parker x reader #this #was #a #lot #longer #than #expected #holy #fuck #are hc suppose to be this long? #what even is a hc at this point #its like one am here #i just want to go to sleep #college!au

[mistymazzello]

Cruel Summer | part iv

summary-they used to be best friends, but now that y/n has a boyfriend (that everyone hates), joe and y/n can’t seem to come to terms with their feelings, but it’s no secret to anyone how they truly feel.

warnings- cussing & angst

word count- 1.6k (it’s short ik ik)

a/n-If you’re from another country, the order of grades in highschool goes freshman, sophomore, junior, senior. also, i hate the way i wrote this chapter but here u go🥺this is really just a set up for the drama that’s gonna happen next chapter

based off of cruel summer by taylor swift

Joe hadn’t said much about the girl he was bringing. All you knew was that she was coming that night. You thought about not showing up, but you needed to talk to Joe, and you kind of really wanted to see the girl he was bringing, so as you put on your makeup and got ready, you tried to keep some dignity. It was embarrassing that you just broke up with your boyfriend for someone who doesn’t want you anymore, and it was even more embarrassing that Rami and Lucy knew.

Walking into Rami’s house was a death march. You could feel your heartbeat in your ears as you walked through his front door, Lucy grabbing your hand and giving it a light squeeze. 

“I’m sorry you have to do this. I know it sucks, and if you ever want to leave, just tell me and we can go.” She said quietly to you.

“Lucy,” you laughed “I’m fine. I’ll be fine. Don’t worry about me.” You lied.

“Alright.” she sighed.

You walked down the steps into Rami’s basement and you felt like your throat had closed up when you saw Joe. He was sitting on the couch, a girl with dark curls clung to his side, holding onto his arm as if she was scared. You almost wanted to laugh. 

Lucy said hi to everyone, causing Joe and the girl to turn and look at both of you. Immediately, you locked eyes with Joe, who adjusted his grip on the girl who was practically wrapped around his side. You finally got a good look at her, and she seemed familiar, and you were pretty sure she went to your school. She was pretty, too. You started to wonder if she knew that Joe had tongued you down less than 24 hours ago. You wanted to laugh again.

“Joe, who’s this?” Lucy said, sitting in a chair next to the couch, scooting over to allow you to sit next to her. Gwil and Rami were playing pool while Ben sat in a chair across from the two of you.

“This is Vera.” He smiled. 

“Hi” She smiled. “Thanks for letting me come so last minute”

You smiled and looked at Joe. “I guess it is kind of last minute, isn’t it.”

He glared at you.

“Well, I’m Lucy, and this is Y/N.”

“You look really familiar, Vera, do you go to our school?” You asked,

“Oh, yeah. I’m a Junior.” She said, her smile never breaking. 

Lucy proceeded to talk to her, but you couldn’t. You silently prayed she would do something wrong so that you could hate her, but she continued to be lovely. You watched Joe intently for a while. You watched how he held onto her, how he would whisper things to her, how he treated her the way you had only dreamed of being treated by him. You realized this is what Joe felt the entire time you dated Carter. You tried to convince yourself that Joe only brought her because he likes her, not because he wanted to make you mad. You knew how conceited you sounded thinking that, but you couldn’t help it. It made sense.

You felt your phone buzz and you pulled it out. Ben had made a groupchat with everyone except Joe and Vera.

Ben-Does this seem a little weird to anyone else?

Gwilym-YES!!! There’s no way Joe was that close with someone and he didn’t tell us, right?

Ben-That’s what I thought too

Gwilym-Should I ask?

Rami-DO NOT ASK

Lucy-Maybe she’s just a clingy person by nature? Like it doesn’t have to be anything serious for them to act like that

Gwilym-They’re literally ON TOP of eachother

You sighed in relief. So you weren’t crazy.

Ben-If we all left they would 100% be fucking in ur basement rami

Rami-STOP

Lucy-I want to hate her so fucking bad but I CANT!!! WHY IS SHE SO NICE!!!!

You put your phone away and looked back at Joe and Vera. It felt like your heart had dropped to your stomach at this point, and it had only been 20 minutes.

You felt like a time bomb. You needed to tell Joe that you had broken up with Carter, and you needed to tell him how you felt.

“I’m gonna go get some water, do you guys want anything?” Joe said, standing up.

A beat passed and you stood up. “I think I’m gonna come with you.” You said casually.

He looked at you, his lips slightly parted. He knew he couldn’t protest, so he just followed you out the door and up the steps.

Your phone began buzzing as you walked into the kitchen but you were too invested in what you were about to say to look at it.

Gwilym-ASK HIM ABOUT IT

Lucy-^^^

Ben-Ask how long they’ve been a thing

Gwilym-WE WANT ANSWERS

You put your hands on the counter and watched him as he walked over to the fridge. “Joe, can we please talk.”

“I came up here to get water, not to have you mess with my emotions.”

“Please.” You begged softly.

He looked at you and sighed, then sat down at the counter. 

You sat down next to him and took a deep breath. “She’s really pretty.”

He nodded.

“It’s really hard for me to sit down there and watch you with her, when less than 24 hours ago me and you-”

“You can’t get mad, Y/N. You have a fucking boyfriend! You have Carter, I’m allowed to have Vera!” He said. 

“What, so you’re just gonna use Vera to make me mad until I make up my mind?” You shouted back.

“I’m not using her.” He defended.

“Yes you are, Joe!”

“Make up you’re fucking mind, then!” 

“I already did.” You looked at him for a few moments. “I broke up with Carter this morning.”

He immediately looked shocked, his mouth opened then closed.

“For you, Joe. I broke up with him for you.”

“Why?” he asked.

You shook your head and stood up, walking away.

“Y/N, I’m serious, why’d you break up with Carter for me?” 

You kept walking straight towards the front door, not even bothering to go back into the basement.

He grabbed your arm. “Y/N-”

“Because I love you!” You snapped. “And if you want to be with Vera that’s fine, and I know I can’t get mad because I did the exact same thing to you!”

He let go of your arm. “Why didn’t you tell me?” He asked softly.

“I don’t know.” you replied.

A beat passed.

“I love you, Joe. I have for a while. Isn’t that the worst thing you’ve ever heard?”

You both stood there for a few moments and for a second, you thought he might kiss you.

He didn’t.

You didn’t see Vera at all the last week of school. You would think that since it was finals week you and Joe would have been on edge, but there was hardly any exchange between the two of you. It was awkward, and it’s not how you wanted your senior year to end. You didn’t understand how Joe was the one who kissed you first, but now you’re the only one who’s said I love you.

The day of graduation was going by quickly. You were all sitting in the gym, waiting for the ceremony to start. Lucy was crying like she had been all day, everyone was extremely emotional, but you seemed to be in denial. You hadn’t really accepted the fact that your time with your friends was coming to an end, and you didn’t want to. You were standing against the wall, your cap in your hand as you watched all of the people you had grown up with that you would never see in this setting ever again.

Joe slowly walked over to you and stood by you silently.

“It’s weird, isn’t it?” He broke the silence.

“What is?”

“Just like, graduating. It feels like we just started high school and now it’s over.” He stated.

You nodded your head, trying not to think about the fact that the last time you talked to him you told him that you loved him.

“Remember how me and you were like, each other's only friends freshman year?”

You smiled. “Yeah.”

You both stood there for a while, both of you probably thinking about the same thing.

“Haven’t seen Vera all week.” you said.

He shifted. “I don’t like Vera.”

You heard teachers start calling everyone to get in order.

“Why not?”

“I just don’t.”

You looked at Joe expectantly, silently begging him to say something, anything. You wanted him to tell you that he loved you so you didn’t feel so stupid.

“I’ll see you later.” He said. Not what you wanted to hear.

You nodded.

He began to walk away but he stopped himself, then turned around. “By the way, it’s not the worst thing I’ve ever heard.”

You wanted to ask what he meant, but he walked away. You did ask him if you saying that you loved him was the worst thing he’d ever heard, but this isn’t the kind of answer you wanted. Now you were just confused.

Gwilym was the valedictorian, so he had to give a speech. It was very professional with a few jokes, in perfect Gwilym style. You cried, Lucy cried, Joe cried (hard), even Ben cried. And that’s why, after the ceremony, you felt that it was ok that Joe hugged you. You were both sad, and you tried to convince yourself that it didn’t mean anything, but by the way he set his chin on top of your head and stroked your hair, you couldn’t help but convince yourself that it had to mean something.

You tried to make yourself forget the fact that you were in love with Joe that night. You tried to accept the fact that he wasn’t going to love you back and you needed to stop thinking he was, but everytime he said anything to you, you were convinced the next thing he would say is that he loves you.

He was convinced too, but he couldn’t do it.

-

taglist- @seven-seas-of-ham-on-rhye @briarrose26 @mrsmazzello @im-an-adult-ish @iamthebeth @cobaincreates @almightygwil @timmvrphy

#fan fiction #borhap #joe mazzello x reader #joe mazzello imagine #joe mazzello smut #joe mazzello x y/n #joe mazzello x you #joe mazzello fanfic #joe mazzello fan fiction #cruel summer #borhap cast #borhap boys x reader #joe mazzello #borhap boys imagine

[voidselfshipp]

A Heart Of Ashes

Chapter 2

Pt1.

Its around half past eight, jerico wondered if stoker was still in the laboratory.

So she put on her boots and Walked to said laboratory.

Though.. the place was huge, it felt like a maze,and listening to her gut feeling,she got there,after a good fifteen minutes.

--Hey stoker

The british Man stopped mixing two chemicals togheter, and Turned to the door, a smile crossed his lips under his mask,but you could hear it in his tone as he said--Ah...you again...how delightfull, Oh do be careful of the napalm...tricky stuff

--Ill be mindful of that--she Walked right past the unarmed molotov grenades--Watcha working on?

--Just some upgrades for these old girls, oh Grab a pair of goggles and some rubber gloves if you stick around, wouldnt want to cause any accidents

Jeri nodded and snatched the closest of those ítems, she casually hovered over stokers shoulder who finished mixing the two chemicals,only for them to explode into a dark cloud of nothingness.

--Ah horse raddish...

By the way he left both mixing tubes on the table she noticed her companion was frustrated.

She patted his back softly--How about we get something to eat, maybe you need to take some fresh air

Stoker stood there to think about it for a bit, then nodded --Yeah...thatd be wonderfull

--Great,lets go!

During their walk however, Someone stopped them.

--Hey! So youre the New guy huh?

The british Man sighed in annoyance,crossing his arms--Oh do bugger off phantom, we have places to go

--ey ey relax Man, I just want to take a moment to greet our New recruit--phantom Turned to jerico-- heard you were dangerous huh? I like that in a woman

Suddenly, Harold felt his blood boil, as jeri couldnt help but giggle at the cheesy pickup lines.

In a stupid fit of jealousy,he grabbed his lighter and pressed the flame against phantoms pants, who in a matter of seconds lit afire, he then with a mischevious smile Turned to jerico-- tell me....can you smell something Burning...? Oh its probably nothing,lets go dear, im starving

He put an arm around jeri and Walked her away as phantom ran around in circles, blissfully unaware of this sunstorm just shrugged it off.

--Did you just really burnt phantoms pants so he would stop talking to jerico?-- ember asked, arms crossed as both grabbed their food.

--well he was making her unconfortable!

--Dont make excuses for yourself Harold I know you

The Man sighed letting his shoulders fall--okay maybe I have a crush on her what about it....

Ember started to laugh--Thats adorable Harold, I wish you the best of luck --She patted his back.

During dinner Ember politely excused herself,leaving both veterans to talk.

--So--stoker started without a clear topic to talk about--Youre a veteran?

-- I am,Ive seen a lot of fucked up shit I tell you that

He chuckled and nodded in agreement--war, how do the kids put it ,ah yes, fucking sucks

--It really does,you loose Friends, people youre closed...and you never know

--If youll end up coming home to them--both meet eachothers gaze--i know the feeling quite well...

Both smile, and talk softly about their time in the military.

Stoker decided to pack up his little science proyect and walk around the bases courtyard with jerico, the moon shine brightly, and both strolled down calmly.

--I remember this one time, me and my Dad were leaders of two different squadrons,you had to see the soldiers faces when they realize their commander was my dad....it was hilarious,specially because we look nothing alike

--Hmm, May I inquire as to why?

--Dad adopted me when I was a kid, and we really look nothing alike,and well, when training, my old Man is very harsh and strict, I tend to be that one godsend seargeant who cuts some slack on the soldiers, its quite funny really

The brit laughed and nodded--yes it is

--And how about you?, whats your story ?

He took a deep breath,and put his hands behind his neck--Well,I used to be a squadron I had to make a rough decision,and I did it,thankfully nobody had to die that day,except For the bad guys of course

And they spend the night talking about their anecdotes,laughing, and comforting eachother.

--mind if I Scort you to your room?

--Not at all

Stoker giggled and put an arm around jerico,And both Walked into the building in silence, the whole place was quiet, aside from some who spent the night playing videogames and their rage screams could be heard from outside their room

When they arrived though,jeri took Harolds hand--Dont you want to spend the night here?,your room is on the other side of the building

--Oh I dont want to bother

--You dont,come on in

He sighed and nodded, taking off his jacket.

--I have a spare matress under my bed,i can sleep there

--What?,no way, I shoundt Rob You the comforts of your bed...

--Harold just take it

--Ill take the spare matress thats what ill take

Both stared at eachother,before sighing--Sharing?

--Sharing

Without much time wasted they got into the bed,their backs facing eachother.

--You wont take that mask off for sleeping?

--No, I wont

She sighed --You cant sleep like that

--Yes I can

She knew it wasnt her place to Keep demanding--Will you sleep comfortably?

A soft smile appeared on the Mans face--Yes, dont worry about me,now go get some sleep okay?

--You too.....goodnight

--Sweet dreams...

Ember groaned,facepalming.

This needed to stop.

--Oh you look so lovely today--stoker said softly elbowing jerico in the ribs, who then chuckled.

--And you look quite handsome too

Theyve been flirting like this for the entire day, ember was about to knock them both out....she couldnt take more of this mushy crap.

--oh I thought for a moment I found to emeralds....turns out it was just your eyes...--Harold said with his masks cheek resting on his hand.

Jericos cheeks turn baby Pink and both softly chuckle.

--If you two lovebirds are done, the guys at the kitchen need help on the cooler--vera said--its not working....

Both sighed and nodded.

However as both worked on the inside of the industrial Cooler, the door closed leaving them in pure darkness, aside from Jers phone lantern.

--Damnit...--stoker tried to Open the door to no avail...

And so they sat there in darkness.

-- d damn-- Harold said curling into a ball-- its cold here...

Jer, who was a natural heater, sat closer to him--I think I have an idea,but I need you to sit properly

--W what are y you planning to do?--He straightened his legs and his cheeks Turned red as he felt her sit on his lap and hug him-

-Like this we wont loose heat...

She was, oddly warm...how?.

Whatever questions he had, his survival was first so he hugged her, and hugged her tightly, feeling the warmth return to his body.

--Thats a whole lot better...thanks awfully..

--Dont mention it...

And after that day, they couldnt get enough of it ,everywhere was a good place to cuddle, while eating, after training,during briefings.

Everyone was losing their minds over how clingy both were.

Their feelings for eachother were so painfuly obvious...

And now, after a particular rough mission, jerico and stoker were cuddling in his room.

He pressed his mask against her back.

--Im just glad youre okay...--she whispers.

--Im just glad to be with you here--he answers back.

Though she was too tired to even try and comprehend what he said, so she nuzzled closer and smiled..

Soon enough she'll tell him.

She was glad to be by his side, and being able to hold him like that..and Him..well, he was happy to return to her in one piece.

#🧡🔥napal and spark🔥🧡 #f/o fic #self insert #self ship #my f/os #self shipping #f/o x s/i #romantic f/o #f/o #f/o community

[maloosh-baloosh64]

I’m do sick of people telling me how great of a guy I am. If I really was then why did she leave me? Why did it take me 20 years to find a girlfriend only to have her for 2 and a half weeks? It’s bullshit and I’m clearly being lied to. If I was such an amazing person I would have someone who actually loves me and wants to be with me. It makes me so fucking mad man. I’m clearly not enough for her or for anyone. They always leave me behind for someone better. Someone taller, smarter, calmer, someone who has their fucking brain together, someone who isn’t broken, who doesn’t have autism or adhd or whatever the fuck else I have, someone who isn’t so needy and emotional and clingy. If I’m really such a great guy, then why is there always someone a million times better than me?

These filthy neurotypicals are all the same. They don’t actually want me around, they just keep me around because I’m useful, and when they’re done with me they throw me away. They lie to my face, thinking I’m too mentally challenged to see the lie. They tell me I’m enough but I’m not!

I never feel like I’m ever enough! Every fuxking day every fuxkig decision I make I feel like I’m wrong and bad. Nothing ever feels right!!!!!! I never feel comfortable in my own skin!!! I always feel like I’m a burden and an emberassment and a nuisance! I’m so fucking sick of it! Because deep down I know it’s not entirely true! But there’s a stupid part of my brain that wants me to believe it is!! I want to murder that part of my brain! I want to turn that part of me into its own separate person so I can torture it and give it a slow painful death, as payback for the torture and pain that it causes me every waking moment of my life!!! WHY CANT I JUST LOVE MYSELF!? WHY DO I CONSTANTLY NEED OTHER PEOPLES VALIDATION!??? WHY CANT I JUST FEEL GOOD ENOUGH!!!? WHY DOES NOBODY LOVE ME THE SAME WAY I LOVE THEM????

I’m sorry I just need to vent this shit out im sorry if it makes y’all uncomfortable i just want this out there in the world I’m sick of feeling this constant internal battle. I want to fight it out in the open where everyone can see! Fuck you if you’ve got a problem with that!

God this breakup is tearing me a new one y’all I’m sorry just

This is the only relationship I’ve ever had and the fact it ended so quickly and she didn’t even love me in the first place just fucking hurts! It makes me feel like this is the only relationship I’ll ever have had in my entire life!!!! Who would want to date an autistic man child with a small dick and severe emotional trauma and issues like me? I’m pathetic! Worthless! A burden!!! I constantly make everyone uncomfortable and feel like they need to help me!!!

Fuck it all fuck me im so fucking done I’m gonna watch some Nobody play Demon Souls fuxk this

#maloosh rambles #sad #mad #upset #breakup #vent #self esteem issues #autism #man fuck neurotypicals #theyre all liars #i need a girlfriend

[angeliclunaetic]

just thinking back to the day i met him, till now and,, there was always something about him. something that drew me in and everything just felt right. That day we met,, something about him just drew me in. idk if it was his sense of humor or just how polite n sweet and caring he was in general but it was,, something. idek why i even texted him in the first place. i just commented on his stuff and decided to text him. we talked for a few and then he showed me a pic of himself and i was just,, in awe. he really was the cutest thing ever. yes i had thought abt using him when i first saw him but,, i couldnt even if i had wanted to. i seen his pic and thought “yeah he looks like he’d be easy to use” but then by the end of texting him that night,, i fell so deeply for him. actually no. i already fell for him. way before we even met. that must be how everything felt so right. but just texting him a little bit that first night,, i just instantly wanted to know more about him. i never even talked abt someone else to my gc and for some reason i had the urge to talk about him,, like i knew he was the one but didn’t realize it. and then when we called for the first time,, i swear i had butterflies. even though i was otp with him and his friend,, i was so nervous to just talk to him. i had thought of him as my crush at that point. no one had ever made me feel that way. i never got so nervous to talk to anyone. i wanted to stay quiet that entire time so i wouldnt say something stupid and embarrass myself but something about him,, made me want to be so open. so i talked to him,, and when we got off the phone of our first call,, i was so incredibly sad. i wanted to talk to him more and more and i just wanted to call him again already,, but i wasnt sure how he had felt or if he even felt the same. i thought he did but i didnt wanna assume and make a fool out of myself. i wasnt sure if he had a crush or if he was just being nice. but after a while it was easy to realize. he was way too sweet and caring to me. more than a friend should be. he was there for me the night i was bawling otp w my ex. and he got mad and upset about how my ex was treating me in a way that was different than just my friends. and thats what made me fall for him even more. just him. being himself. him being so sweet. so caring. him just being there for me and not judging me and wanting others to treat me right. and when we videocalled that first time,,i was so nervous. i was worried he’d see what i look like and not be attracted to me anymore. but he still was. but i was so nervous anyways. but when i saw him on video call for the first time,, i was in shock. how could someone be so cute. so perfect. how could someone capture my heart just by simply smiling at me. i knew from then, that i, was in love with him. i wanted to be his so badly. but when he had asked me out i wanted to just scream yes at him,, but something in my mind told me to just calm down and wait,, however a part of me was worried that if i had made him wait that he’d find someone better and leave me. but he didn’t he stayed. even after that night i had told him everything. of how i used to use people and how i had originally planned to use him and he still stayed. i swear i felt my heart break that night and i was crying so much out of fear that he’d leave me before we even got together. i had such strong feelings for him and i wanted him to be mine. but i wanted to make sure i was away from,, that thing,, and that i fully loved him before i got into anything serious. i didnt wanna jump from relationship to relationship either. a part of me just wanted to be single and just have fun. but just,, talking to him and texting him,, i wanted him. i didnt care if i wasnt single. i just wanted him. but also a part of me didnt want to love again. or “love” as i should say considering i never loved anyone before him. i was mentally and emotionally exhausted and relationships are just so much work and you have to give someone such a large piece of yourself and i wouldnt be able to handle being broken again. so many thoughts ran through my head. “what if i dont love him, what if im just attracted to him because im going through things and he’s there for me” “what if he wont wait for me” “what if he doesnt like me “ “what if im using him and dont realize” “what if i get hurt” all these “what if’s” and i never once thought abt the reality of it all. that i, had feelings for him. that he felt the same. that he was willing to wait for me, even if it took years. that he would never hurt me and even allowed himself to be hurt by me if that meant even just getting a chance at me loving him. i guess i was just so worried and just in shock. no ones felt so deeply for me before.and that night that i had asked him out,,, i had seen a pic of my ex with this new girl and i felt absolutely nothing towards it. so then,, thats when i knew. i was over him. that emotional attachment was gone. and my feelings for sam were real. and we had called that night,, that entire night i was so nervous and got butterflies, and i realized i never stopped smiling once during that whole phone call. and after we got of,, i, once again, was extremely sad. i wanted to hear his voice talking to me for hours and hours. i wanted to smile and feel nervous and get butterflies. and at that point i was like,, fuck it. yes i was still worried that my feelings werent true. but what was the harm in trying. he was the only person to have caught my eye in like,, ever. he was on my mind that whole night and probably abt like 30 mins after we got off call i asked him out. my feelings for him were too strong. i was worried he wouldnt wait and i couldnt risk losing someone as special as him to someone else,, if i did, i wouldve never forgiven myself. im glad i asked him out. even though i had surprised myself by it,, i just couldnt wait any longer,, i needed to make him mine. and i did. and i wouldnt change it for the world. the first month for me was very,, rough. of course we were still getting to know each other and our boundaries,, and i of course made some mistakes. my fears of possibly not having true feelings were coming back. and it pushed him away because he didnt wanna get hurt. and he almost left me. those two nights that we had an issue and he had left me,, they broke me. they really did. that  was the worst i had ever been. the crying,, the screaming,, the anger and complete sadness i felt. i felt as if i had lost everything. i felt as if i had nothing left. if i didnt have him,, then,, who am i. im nothing without him. he’s my other half. my soulmate. and i thought i had lost him. im glad im so annoying and clingy otherwise i’d be so fucking heartbroken without him. we had only been together for less than a month those two times and yet i felt so strongly for him. nothing has ever made me feel this way. i had never wanted to keep someone in my life so bad before. it was like,, i needed him to breathe. i needed him to smile. i just,, needed him. i cant live without him. just thinking about a life without him makes me fucking sick. i want him and only him for the rest of our lives. no one can even compare to him. im just,, in shock. like im really in love with him and it just amazes me. im sitting here writing this as he’s sound asleep and i just. i miss him a lot. i guess all my feelings are coming out now since ive been distant the past month but,, i dont care. ill gladly shout from the rooftops how much i love him. god there’s so much more i could say about us. even before we started dating. i cant get over the rush i felt. the excitement, the nerves, the butterflies,, even all the “what if’s”,, i still get nervous and get butterflies when talking to him but ofc they’re not gonna be as strong as when we had met and declared our love for each other. speaking of love,, now im reminded of the day i had told him that i love him,, we had “argued” the day before and i thought i had lost him for good,, and that next day,,i wanted nothing more than to just hold him and kiss him and tell him that i love him. i know the words “i love you” is such a meaningful thing,, i couldnt help but tell him. its exactly how i felt. i loved him. i couldnt be apart from him,, even after only a week of dating him,, i was in love that night i thought he was leaving me for good,, absolutely broke me. and the next day i just wanted to hold him tight and never let him go. even though i was so nervous to tell him that i loved him,, i just,, i knew i was sure. no one had ever made me feel so strongly about them. yeah ive cried over my ex. but nothing could ever compare to just the complete distraught i felt that night. that crying so much it burned my throat and threw up,, the screaming,, just the complete sadness and anger i felt. after that,, i knew i loved him, and i wasnt afraid to tell him. i was nervous bc of how he’d react but i knew that i was never more sure of anything else in my life. i love him. and i want to be with him forever. 

#lovenotesforsam

[unwrittenmusings]

Rosvolio Drabble Challenge!

So, this is kind of a bonus. It wasn’t planned at all. These sentence prompts were too good to pass up so I complied a list. Let’s keep the momentum going with more Rosvolio content! Send me an ask if you have questions. 

Rules:

Choose a prompt(s) to use for your own inspiration or prompt someone else (if they are accepting prompts from others of course)

HAVE FUN!

Prompt List:

“I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship.”

“You did all of this for me?”

“You didn’t just wake me up at 2am because you were ‘in the mood’.”

"Can somebody escort the 30 year old having a temper tantrum out of the building?"

“Well..I’m pregnant.”

“I’ve seen the way you look at me when you think I don’t notice.”

“I read a lot of fanfiction. Trust me, I know how this will turn out.”

“You legit have no chill, whatsoever.”

“You’re not as quiet as you think you are.”

“It could be worse.”

“Marry me?”

“Do you really think I could ever replace you?”

“I can’t believe you talked me into this.”

“I wish I could hate you.”

“Bite me.”

“You’re lucky you’re cute.”

“Looks like we’ll be trapped for a while.”

“You fainted…straight into my arms. You know, if you wanted my attention you didn’t have to go to such extremes.”

“I got you a present.”

“We’re not just friends. You know that.”

“They didn’t just find out. They already knew!”

“I’m baking a bunch of go fuck yourself cookies for you”

"I think my body forgets what shame is when I get drunk."

“You’re cute when you’re all worried.”

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were trying to seduce me.”

“…or we can chill in our underwear.”

“No one needs to know.”

“I want to spend the rest of my life annoying you.”

“When I was told I was going on a blind date, I never thought it’d be you.”

“If we get arrested, it’s your fault.”

“I am very turned on right now.”

“I don’t need a hero, I need a husband.”

“Sometimes you just gotta dance.”

“No matter how bad things get, I’ll always be here for you.”

“Wow..um, you look really fucking sexy in that.”

“Please, don’t leave.”

“Is there a reason you’ve taken over my bed?“

“If you die, I’m gonna kill you.”

“You’re distracting me and it’s very irritating.”

“Well this is awkward…”

"Just for the record, I’m uncomfortable."

“Everyone keeps telling me you’re the bad guy.”

“Even if I had a week, I couldn’t list all the reasons why this won’t work.”

“The paint’s supposed to go where?”

“No, wait…did you just say you love me?”

"You have to stop kissing me if you want to actually catch your plane."

“Come over here and make me.”

“I swear it was an accident.”

“Kiss me.”

“I couldn’t stop thinking about you.”

“YOU DID WHAT?!”

"Can you at least admit you were little worried about me?"

“There’s no use in hiding it, I know you love me.”

“How long have you been standing there?”

“Have I entered an alternate universe or did you really just crack a smile for me?”

“Does that line ever work?”

“Who we are and who we need to be in order to survive are very different things.”

“We’ve become the clingy couple that you used to complain about.”

“We finish the same way we started, together.”

“If I’m lucky, you’ll stay for a while.”

“You want forgiveness? Fine, I’ll give it to you. You’re forgiven, okay?”

“Nothing could ever make me hate you.”

“I’m pretty good at providing distractions.”

"You can’t dirty talk your way out of this!"

“Hey, I’m with you, okay? Always.”

“You’re the only one I trust to do this.”

“You are the human version of a migraine.”

“And that’s how you ruin a life. Congratulations.”

“Hush, I’m trying to kiss you.”

“Both of you have been glancing at each other for the past two fucking hours when the other isn’t looking. Will you please make out already!”

“Is it too early to have a breakdown this week?” “It’s Monday.”

“You’re like a giant cinnamon roll.”

“You’re so clingy, I love it.”

“It’s only stupid if it doesn’t work.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“Wanna dance?”

"Please don’t punch him too hard in the face. I like his face."

“I think I’m in love with you and I’m terrified.”

"I do see the appeal in wanting to start a fight with her, but you do realize she would absolutely destroy you."

“Watching you get angry is half the fun!”

“If we’re about to die right now I want you to know…”

“Sometimes you just gotta dance.”

“Don’t touch me. We’re fighting.”

“I guess…this is when we kiss?”

“Wait a minute. Are you jealous?”

“Are you okay?” “No, next question.”

“I’ll take the couch.”

“Well I fucked up again.”

“I’m your husband. It’s my job.”

“You left your underwear back at my place.”

“I didn’t mean it like that, and you know it!”

“Have you lost your mind!?”

"Look at my cute ass face and tell me you don’t love me"

“I’m not drunk enough for this.”

“We’re in the middle of a thunderstorm and you wanna stop and feel the rain?”

“I lost our kids.”

“That wasn’t very subtle.”

“If I die, I’m going to haunt your ass.”

"I didn’t become a journalist for this bullshit!"

“You’d look better in my shirt.”

“You deserve to know what love can feel like.”

“Let’s move in together.”

“I think people hug at this point.”

“You make me want things I can’t have.”

“Oh god, I need a drink”

“Stop pretending you’re okay, cause I know you’re not.”

“I’m going to need about six more cups of coffee before I lose the nerve to do this.”

“I don’t hate you.”

“I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.”

“This is bad, right?”

“We need to talk.”

#rosvolio drabbles #rosvolio #still star crossed #rosaline x benvolio #benvolio x rosaline #sscfic #sscedit #rosvoliofic #rosvolioedit #stillstarcrossededit #stillstarcrossedfic #rosvolio prompt #rosvolio prompt challenge

[astownd]

So lets start off with in the ends it is all completely and utterly my own fault.I should have been able to see the signs. I should have been a better person, friend, fiance, man, and most importantly a dad.

Where do I even begin?

I felt like I worked so hard for my family I was creating in my own way, making money in my own way. Got a house with the beautiful mother of my little boy, things were good for awhile, than rough, than covid, than bad. But before that we lived in an apartment, and the things i was doing and the substances (alcohol and adderal) were my coping mech. I would stay up for days, not eat, constantly trying to make every dollar I could to make sure we had a place to live freely. ( we both grew up in not so good broken homes). She made little mistakes one that completely don’t matter and are way overlooked, love her with all my heart. 

but the drugs and alcohol started getting to me, i became irritable constantly, never wanted to leave, hated everyone. I was always mad, always needed my way. Than I cheated once and thank god that she took me back even after that. Honestly she did a ton and most of all the work. She is one of the most dedicated and hard working woman/mothers I have ever come acrossed. She never stops making sure our son has everything he needs plus more, working constant hours at terrible jobs, sometimes with terrible people. I didnt see the stress it was putting on her, the constant cries for just down time for herself, or her need to want to go out and do things. I held her inside and caged away. ( not literally lol) I really should have been showing her off and paying for her countless nights to go out and have fun with her friends because honestly she fucking deserves and deserved it. I couldn’t be any happier that, that woman is the mother to OUR beautiful little boy. After my first few mistakes I just started tumbling downhill. Never stopped making them. I am so fucking sorry and truly dislike the person i became over all of it. After all that we had our son, and we put down a down payment on a home. We moved in things were good for awhile, than rough because of my laziness and lack of will to do anything ever. It was a mixture of that but also a mix of me actually being comfortable where I was at for once in my life. I finally had a place I could call a home, I FINALLY HAD A REAL family I could call my own. So i just got more lazy, I just began to lackadiscally relax all the time and do nothing, didn’t help unpack, barely got stuff done around the house. The stress built on her alot, and I saw it. She wanted me to get a job, a real job. So I would be a man. And I agree with her, I was not a man, and honestly probably still not, but I am trying to be for our son. I wish her too but I know I lost that part of me. She would come home and just want to relax, but would have to cook and take care of our son. She needed time alone but also out, and I never gave her either. Im so dumb for alot of things, but honestly losing her has to be by far the dumbest thing I could have done besides trying to take my own life after the fact. I wish we could have fixed it, I wish we could have communicated better. We both have mental issues, more me than her by far, and hers were probably caused by me in the end. But we got super bad right around christmas time, real bad, i was basically staying upstairs in my gaming room, my clothes were in the dressers anymore, they were up there. But like two weeks prior of one of the worst days of my life, things started to seem almost better. We were getting along again, I was seeing a smile in her face that I haven’t seen in so long. I feel so deeply, and honestly from the start of our relationship/ friendship her smile has always been my most fav thing about her. She even came an said to me “ why don’t you put your clothes back in the dresser, you have a family here, and we love you” because we got into an agruement over me being constantly needy and clingy. I was begging for her attentions for months but I didnt realize she didnt want to give it to me because I wasnt a man but I also was just ruining her along the way.  So that night I didn’t move my clothes becasue it was late, but I got off the couch went downstairs and got into bed with my beautiful family. A week or two passes. I could tell she was being a little off. and at night one night she looks over to our son while were all in bed together and says I think daddy and I are better just as friends. Right away I teared up and began to cry because im so broken down at this point but purely because of my own causes. She says to me “ what you dont like the sounds of beings just friends” I said no, I love you, and so much more. She didn’t want to hear it, she didnt want to give me an ultimatum, or tell me what I had to work on. But she was in the complete right by far. So I eventually get quiet roll over and fall asleep crying. the next early morning I wake up to her flustered trying to pee. Our son wakes up so easily, so immediatley he gets up and follows her to the bathroom, its probably 630 am so Im dead asleep. I wake up and go right to the bathroom and she yells at me because she can’t go pee alone ever. In no mean tone or nothing I just said baby wake me up and Ill grab him for you anytime, and immediatley it started a fight because of the lurking thing from the night before. She said that we were toxic, that if we continued to be together now and longer that we couldn’t fix it and that we would always stay toxic. Clearly I didnt agree with that, begged and pleaded. It turned into the most heated agruement I have probably ever been in with some I have loved. I regret everything rotten and mean thing I said in my angry judgement. I didn’t mean any of it. I love every part of that woman, still even after all the things that have happened. and that she has maybe or maybe not done. But I was kicked out that day with nothing but my computer, xbox, wallet, monitor, and a handful of clothes. That is the day I LOST EVERYTHING my entire world. My entire dream, everything I began to strive but also wanted in my life. A home, a family, a beautiful wife, mother, and children. I went into a complete and utter psychotic break and was nuts. still am. I made her life hell, I scared her, I threatened her with taking our son away from her. So many things I did not mean but I would never do. Our son needs both of us, but most imnportantly he needs his mother. She worked and works so hard for him day in and day out and takes such good care of him. Sorry I needed to let it out somewhere, everyone near just says go fuck someone go do this. BUT NONE OF THAT is going to make me feel better, none of that is going to bring back my family, none of that is going to even help progress, if anything it would make things worse. So I sit and I remain forever loyal to who I would love to call my fiance still.  But where I wanted to get at is WHAT the actual FUCK do you do when you lose EVERYTHING.She was my bestfriend, my everything, honestly probably the only reason geniune person I had in my life for a really long time so It was even worse, I had noone to turn to. No where to go. Noone wanted me . Noone wants me. I was just angry bringing everyone down around me after. Constantly drinking and just being stupid. Im really trying to get a better handle on things now though for my son. What kills me the most is before we had Wesser bean, she got preg before and had a miscarrage. Which kills both of us mentally, but more her than anything. That is her body, and that beautiful child was growing inside of her. We weren’t going to try again for the sake of our sanities after that. But on some of our long talking nights with one another we agreed that we wanted to try again, we wanted a family. But we promised to each other that we would never NO matter what let our children grow up like we did. In a broken home, a broken family. I want my son to be able to wake up next to his mother and father every living day and be able to enjoy all his little ups and downs. But I ruined that. I caused everything, I am the reason I lost everything. I am still so utterly confused and dont know where to go or what to do. My mind is always worrying about those two because they arent in arms reach and I cant be there quick enough. I still worry about her a ton even though everyone tells me I shouldn’t but that was my best freaking friend from almost the instant she curved me the first time. Thats the woman I loved, the woman I wanted to marry, the one I called fiance, but most importantly the mother to our child. So I will never stop worrying, or caring about it. I wish I had anyone, anyone that wouldn’t just push me off, or just give me some petty advice to go do some petty stuff like its going to slap her in the face? No becauses it not, she doesn’t love the piece of poop I am, nothing is going to slap her beautiful face. I would give anything to go back, fix some mistake, and be a man for them. Honestly I over think, thats my biggest issue. I love this girl to death, and I know im not adequate and she hasn’t had time to have fun or do the things she wanted too. But no matter what she has done, said, did, or didn’t do I would probably still take it like a grain of salt and do anything to immediately be back in her home, what I used to call home with them. To be a man, to be better. To be a dad. To be everything. Her and my son are my only lights, without them I just see darkness and it consumes me and just makes me want to do nothing, but it should burn a fire in me. I want them near by, cheering me on, but also helping me steer back onto the right path when im going astray. Its been three months now since I have been home, Since I have been able to sleep next to my son and wake up to his little smiling face. To be able to feel the warmth and hear my best friends voice on a daily basis. Shit three months since I have even slept on a mattress. about 2 months ago I took a estimated count of 32-45 pills of multiple different varieties. From pain killers, to adderal, to anti depressants, and sleeping pills. All one big mix. Got stupid drunk on top of it and tried taking my own life. I went to go lay down finally about an hour after I finished all the pills because I didnt feel well. The second my head hit the pillow I started throwing up really bad. I could not stop, I could not breathe. And the whole time All I could see Is my sons face. crying. not knowing where I went, What happened. Or why I was such a coward I would do that. about 5 minutes into me hurling I started to really not be able to breathe, I almost couldn’t choke the words out from the back of the trailer, I screamed as hard as I could from an ambulance. My mom came running in and looked at me and asked seriously If i needed it or not. I looked back and told her I would die if she didn’t. She called, I ended up waking up 3-6 hours later in a hospital bed completely and utterly confused but so fucking ashamed. They had a therapist or someone in there waiting for me to wake up, I guess I said somethings in my delusions of substance. But about after 15 minutes of talking to him and him seeing my sit. He looked at me told me they pumped my stom, and that If I didnt make that call My son wouldn’t have a father. Hearing him say that still kills me. I messed up big that time. they released me within 25 minutes of waking me up. no shoes, no shirts, puke covered pants, no cell phone at 630 am. What a wonderful hospital right? Try to take my life and they save it, but let me go just like I was nothing. I got to a near by store called for a ride and waited. Showed up home at my moms more ashamed and more sad because of yet another terrible choice I made. Tonight is the first night aubs have let me have our son alone for a time period. And for a solid 15 minutes I Couldn’t stop but also wanting to apologize so much to my son. He just came up to me gave me a big wesser hug, layed on me, and let me sing to him for 30 mins just like mummy used to do so he could fall asleep.  I never felt a love like I do for my boy, loving a human like aubrey is wonderful and beyond one of a kind, but loving your child and their love back is something words alone cannot describe. I can’t ever be so sorry that I ever tried that, that I ever would do that to my son. He deserves so much better. I am slowly trying tho too. Not alot of people know because noone cares and I just want to be alone but I scraped together the last remainder of any cash or any value I had left and got 4k. Didn’t sell our wedding ring or anything for that money. (its worth is 4.2-5.5k) I be holding onto that thing like its my life, I constantly catch myself grabbing it and wearing it still like a loser lol.Went and looked at a little trailer today, needs gutted almost, decent amount of work. Guy was asking 4k. with the work it needed I went balls deep said 2, he hit me with 2.5k If the mobile home park accepts my background check hopefully Ill finally have a little place I can lay my head. Its been a rough three months, homeless I would say, couch hopping, place to place. I am done now. I am fed up with myself but with everyone and everything around me. I need to be better for my son, so this is my start and my little way I guess. I have been applying countless places, All I want to do is dive all my time into some form of work/ works and be alone unless my son ( his mother included one could wish) is the company. My bills would be utterly dumb cheap. I just want to work and help her out to provide but keep the beautiful home she chose for her future family. I want to be able to make sure I can reassure her she won’t lose that roof, or that she can go out and eat, or wes can have that toy. She works to damn hard to lose it. It was like a movie too, third house on the realtors listings. We walk through the front door threshold, immediate second she turned around with the smile I fell inlove with and said this is the one. AND BY god when this woman says she wants something or is going to do something, she fucking does it, does it well, sticks it to ya, and does it kick. Immediately she got an offer in and she got her home. I’ll never be able to fix the mistakes and wrongs I did. Never be able to give back all the time and tears and heartache I caused her and her family countless times. But I want to be able to be part of my sons life, to atleast try to atone for the terrible things I did. I want 0 pity by the way. This was soley for me. For me to let stuff out. I will forever love aub snuffalfugus. and of course our beautiful boy Wesley. I would do anything, give anything, forgive and forget anything this second to see her walking up to me holding our little man and say “does daddy wanna come home” or “ dad come home” or “ i think its time dad comes home”. I understand I never will get that chance and by far I never will get that chance. I understand I did this, I created this, and I am the one to blame. I pray to god every night that maybe right now just wasn’t the exact time or what we needed. That he will lead our path back together one day. I see glimmers of hope in dumb things, but thats my over thinking. I love that freaking beautiful furrowed browed woman and our son so much. and with me being gone, I can’t tell if shes struggling, I can’t tell if she cares, I can’t tell if she thinks about us, our old family, or the things that happened. She has such a good poker face, shes so good at holding things in. But she has been glowing, has been looking more beautiful than ever with her hair all curly and down. She is constantly in her phone texting and smiling, and when I say that I in no form care who or about what, I care that the fact that the smile is there and its the real one. She seems happier, healthier, and more together than ever and I hope that its not a front, not that it matters because shes a strong ass mom and she kicked thru it. I love seeing her happy. I love seeing her look good. i absolutely adore the fucking smile. I am trying to come to terms that maybe I wasn’t the right one, That I couldn’t make her happy, but I was placed there to get her through a time , but also for her to have our beautiful son. Now that he has come, she has seen that I wasn’t much of really anything, so she bettered herself. But even if shes not with me, as long as she is safe, our son is safe, they have a warm roof above their heads, and full tummies than I can’t complain. That is what im striving for. To just be able to simplify their lifes but to see her smile again, and I have been seeing it and she rockkkkk that shit. Everytime I see her I get into my feelings, but tonight hit me for some reason. Tonight really had/has me thinking. Forever stay our beautiful little chunk Wesser. I love you both. 

ok done word vommiting, think im ready to cry if off in the shower lmao. 

#personal forme

[elcisa-blog]

hello hello yall, it’s your gal ronnie with a second muse!! this is my honey eloisa and i have so many ideas for her and i’m so excited to bring her to life since i’ve been dying to play her properly for so long, so PLease feel free to come plot w/ us ok ? OK ! anyway, her full bio can be found here if you feel so inclined, but it’s a bit long, so i’ll have a couple points under the cut summarizing it. also under the cut are some wanted connections ! that’s pretty much it for now, k byE

that’s not EMILY RATAJKOWSKI walking around?? nah, but ELOISA GOMOLKA gets that all the time. SHE’S actually from TORQUAY, ENGLAND, though they live in LA JOLLA now.  you’ve probably heard that 23 year old SERVER of CALIFORNIA PIZZA KITCHEN being referred to as the ZEALOT of this place. you know, i always see them EXPLORING AND TRAVELING or blasting A LITTLE DEATH BY THE NEIGHBOURHOOD on their lunch break..whatever.

alright so my baby was born and raised in torquay, england to a pretty religious, polish family. her father is polish and her mother is english, but their lifestyle and culture at home was very much polish based

also her actual birth name is katarzyna eloisa gomolka, but growing up in england, many people had a hard time pronouncing her first name so her friends & classmates and all that often called her by her middle name instead -- eloisa. so it eventually stuck and she legally changed around her first & middle names. ..  . 

this girl loves loves loves learning languages and studying other cultures and lifestyles , like in school , she was always that girl that took as many foreign language classes as she could. she knows the basics to a bunch of different languages but she’s fluent in english, polish, french, and spanish. 

also shes WILD ok . . . like her own weird brand of wild. she’s so Unexpected .. . its strange. but i love her sm. she’s loud, opinionated, stubborn, unpredictable, SUPER adventurous, you name it. she’s either laughing her ass off with childish excitement or spewing fire From her mouth, knowing NO boundaries . . there’s no in between like . . . shes so random, all over the place and all in your face most of the time im sorry . . . & when she loves u she clingy

anyway she also used to play the violin and horseback ride a lot growing up. her grandpa from her moms side taught her how to ride horses and she loved going to his farm in the english countryside to ride & hear his wise stories and all that. he was like her hero.

however, one day, right before eloisa was about to start her last year of high school  . . . long story short . . . there was an accident and grandpa passed away *cries* .  . . el took his death super hard since they were so close . . which caused her to get less enthusiastic about going to college and she just lost all interest at caring at all tbh, becoming more of a troublemaker at school, so her grades dropped her last year and so did all her aspirations for her future

after high school, instead of enrolling in postsecondary, she just wanted to get away from it all so she decided to trust in her adventurous side and partake in a work abroad program where she would be backpacking across south america, teaching english and helping build up communities. she did that until she was twenty-one. it was a Wild ride

in the midst of the program, while in colombia, she got involved w/ some sketchy dude who was in the drugs and car stealing business  . . . she loved the thrill & she thought she was so in love BUt he was super gross and toxic and ended up betraying her, stealing her money, and leaving her on the side of the road one night on one of his heists. aNYWAY it sucked

she finished the program and then decided to work for the work abroad program’s headquarters, which are situated in california. . . so thats how she got to san diego

eventually her position there terminated but she decided to stay in cali bc its very much her type of vibe SO now shes working at fashion valley & thats where yall come in 

SOME WANTED CONNECTIONS 

OPPOSITES ATTRACT -- cheesy name but i think it’d be cool for her to have a pal who’s kind of the complete or near opposite of her but they kind of work ? ? like honestly this girl can TALK and ramble on for so long about random shit, so i think it’d be an interesting dynamic for her to have someone who just lets her Go Off and they just like to listen to her talk and she just likes having someone to listen to her . . . inspo is from this pic right HERE

EAT THIS --  while in south america, el kind of developed a huge respect and love for cuisine and cooking so now shes kind of obsessed with searching up random, exotic recipes and trying them out. sometimes her cooking backfires and is not the greatest but shes so determined to get things right and just loves Doing it so much that she doesnt care. . . so maybe she can have like a taste testing buddy or someone who likes to cook w her or something idk ? ? shfskd omg HC: she works as a server at ca pizza kitchen but i s2g she prob always tries to sneak in the kitchen and help cook But since shes so all over the place, theyre always like “ EL GTFO OF HeRE !!!!!” 

MOTHER HEN / PAPA BEAR -- this girl needs someone to keep her in line some of the time okay. she doesnt have any family here in cali so she’d love to have someone who takes care of her and makes sure she doesnt go too far ..  like someone she looks up to in a sister/brother/guardian figure type of way ? ? 

ZOOLOGY -- eloisa doesnt have any pets .. .  she can hardly take care of herself like what u think imma let this girl have a dog ? ? NO she can have a pet ROCK ( she does ) . . . but she loves animals so she’d love hAving a pal where she can just come by and play w their pets or smthg like she’ll be the best play mate ever  .. . i just wouldnt trust her to take care of ur animal for a week or smthg lmao

ADVENTURE TIME -- if u ever just want to do something crazy or try something new. . . literally just hit up eloisa . . . so i’d love for her to have friends who just text her up like i’m Not feeling good take me somewhere. . . and SHE WILL . . .or even if they’re not sad and just want to do something exciting . .. hit her up

OOPS :( -- ok So el can be a bit clumsy and random so i think a cool connection with someone would be like maybe one day eloisa broke something of theirs or fucked up their car or dyed their hair wrong or something stupid like that . . . basically eloisa fucked up . . . and ever since then, that person doesnt really trust her anymore and is kind of annoyed with her presence in general . . . BUT eloisa feels so BAD and guilty about it so now she basically tries to do everything in her power to make it up to the other person but they just keep not having it yknow ? ? 

ORANGE CRUSH -- ok ur typical crush plot bc theyre so fluffy and cute. . . but i think maybe a plot where the crush doesnt even have to be super romantic or sexual yknow ? ? like i can definitely see eloisa just being so interested in everything the other person does and just loving being around them and loving everything they do . . . so obsessed w their comportments . . . but it can be in such a fluffy, platonic way like That feeling when u see a rly cute puppy or baby penguin . . . eloisa just wants to hug ur muse and love them But not even sexually yknow ? ? 

TAKE ME WITH YOU -- ok i love this plot sm . . . maybe like a friendship where they both want to see the world together ? ? eloisa is really big on travelling so id love for her to have a friend where they’ve been slowly putting together their dream trip where they see the world together. and their friendship is so heavily based on them sending each other places around the world where they want to go and putting together bucketlists and itineraries for if they ever end up saving money and travelling together ? ? so fun

SCIENCE PROJECT -- there’s not much that scares el and she doesnt get pushed away so easily  . ..  but i think an interesting dynamic could be if there actually was someone who kind of freaks her out yknow?? a relationship where the person actually kind of intimidates her and theres just something about the person that makes eloisa question everything .. . kind of like a science project. shes always studying them carefully, unsure of how to react to what they say . . . they’re just bizarre to her and she wants to know more

POKE ! -- basically someone she loves to annoy and pick on , but not in a hateful way

TEACH ME -- maybe someone who is teaching eloisa a new skill or language or how to do something that they’re good at because eloisa would love that so much .. . she loves trying new things.. . .like honestly anything  ..  . even if she keeps failing

TINDER DATE -- ok so in my head, i feel like eloisa would be that type of person to troll people on tinder and play around with them ..  so maybe your muse got caught up in her trap once and she trolled them on tinder lmao ? ? ? i think thatd be so funny and she just loves laughing about it all the time . .

I DO . . . WAIT, NO, I DON’T ! -- ok So this is inspired by that one episode in friends where rachel and ross get married drunk in vegas once . . . so Like literally that lmao. like that is SO something that would happen to el. like maybe one time, they found themselves in vegas together, they got super drunk, and legit got married that same night super quick ? ? ? and obviously theyre divorced now but i think that’d be a funny dynamic and lil treasure of the past to have in a friendship/relationship

SOME TYPICAL ONES THAT I CANT GET ENOUGH OF -- exes, flings, hook ups, went on a few dates in the past, best friends ( someone to braid her hair and take bubble baths w her <3 ), enemies ( maybe someone who doesnt agree w how she lives her life or her whole vibe bc she can be a bit much sometimes lmao ), etc.

or literally anything else lol

#fvhqooc #wow im sorry its LOng #dont hate me #but its good i promise #° ⟡ ⁝ ─ crumpled notes › OOC. #i just had SO MANY connection ideas bye #i think everything makes sense .. . . . ..

[loveaningenue]

Taylor Swift’s 2005-2006 MySpace Comments

Taylor’s alleged MySpace comments in a chronological order from 2005 to 2006. (Time of posts on 24h). Pictures of the comments were too blurry, so I didn’t add, but if needed, I have them saved in a file if anyone needs proof. 

NB: All the comments are replies to unknown posts by her friends, so the context is unknown. 

Sep 3, 2005 13:08

I am obsessed with you.

If you look out your window and down the street about 200 yards, you may see a big white van parked on the street. I am inside the van with a telescope and computer. Just trying to catch a glimpse of kelsey dammmnnn morris.

haha. end of story.

Sep 5, 2005 1:37

AWWWW brittany I miss you so much. And yes, I can verify that you do know every word to that song. I love you for it. :-) . Prom was incredible and thankyou so much for everything you’re ever done in the past to make me feel welcome into that whole group. You have always been so nice to me. Thankyou for everything. You may not have noticed but it really meant a lot to me. 

Sep 6, 2005 3:26

LACEY LACEY LACEY

I’m in love with you.

There’s no other way around it.

hehe

Sep 10, 2005 2:01

Pretty girl.

I could away twenty and knock on your door and ask you how you’ve been...

But I think I’ll just sit here and type it. Tell me how you’ve been, child. taylor

Sep 11, 2005 21:09

I have the same name as your boyfriend.

Therefore I am better than everyone and you should like me more.

taylor

Sep 14, 2005 20:43

HOMECOMINGQUEENHOMECOMINGQUEENHOMECOMINGQUEENHOMECOMINGQUEEN

{haha i love you and your pretty crown}

taylor

Sep 18, 2005 11:56

Kelsey’s awesome. And got best smile. And should have gotten everything else. Hahah iloveyou

Sep 17, 2005 11:30

uhhh..

“I shot some guy with a flare gun” -sahara

best line ever.

Sep 21, 2005 23:26

WE NEED ONE MORE SCANTRON

Sep 30, 2005 17:06

I have one word for you.

Chorttle.

{bitch}

Oct 11, 2005 23:13

Everybody watch Kelsey’s scrolling pictures of her friends until you get the one of shelby.

Her boobs look AMAZING.

hahahahahahaha

Oct 18, 2006 16:36

RELINQUISH THIS TOME FOOLERY YOU ELFISH KNAVE.

- a prime example of the shit we OUGHT to learn in English class.

Oct 31 2005 8:12

i read your complaining comment about how your not abigails tip 8. well, how could you be? I’M THERE. TAKING YOUR SPOT HAHAhAHAHA. (evil laugh, you know the drill). Well, anyway, listen my queer fellow. I thinketh we shall hangeth out sometime soon, eh? yes, i do believe i am growing fond of this idea. drive over in your sex van and come pick me up. farewell knave. -T-

Nov 6, 2005 0:03

If you were a guy I’d probably date you.

Just a friendly reminder

<3

Nov 26, 2005 17:54

My darling.

18 days till I get my license and  I think we’ll gave to go out in the hummer and shoot people we hate with a paintball gun out the passenger side window.

Abigail and I have been planning this for a while.

You should totally come.

We hear you have good aim.

lovelovelove -T-

Nov 26, 2005 21:50

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

{i like your headline}

and yes, I do.

lovelovelove -T-

Dec 4, 2005 22:07

Here’s a little limerick for you to solve while I waste my life away on the couch with a godforsaken migraine that is threatening my life eating ice cream out of the gallon container watching war of worlds wondering why I was fat as a 10-year-old and not cute like dakota fanning and thinking, “hey, this wouldn’t’t be so bad, everything getting blown to shit and half the world dying.. Life pretty much sucks anyway.”

I don’t want what I can get.

I fuck up what i had so i shouldn’t want it

I want what doesn’t want me Therefore I can’t get it Therefore I can’t be happy Therefore I sit in class writing notes t my equally psychotic redheaded best friend about how to achieve ultimate happiness when honestly we’re just dreamers because no one is ever permanently happy.

I have blonde hair and my name rhymes with sailor.

What am I?

Oh, fuck. It’s me.

Have an equally joyous night fa la la i love christmas

-T-

Dec 16, 2005 2:59

I’m Grant Motherfucking Wood.

I do what I want

and say the word “durr”.

iloveyoubutnotsomuchgrantwood hehehe -T-

Dec 21, 2005 0:17

I’m in England and this whole country is weird.

They’re all weird. Except for me. Who, as you know, is completely normal. 

Hey man we need to hang out when I get back. How about we combine me, my car, grant wood’s house, shelby, ally, some boys, lily and perhaps whitley, some drinks because you might get thirsty, and new year’s eve.

yeeeaahhhhhh

-T-

Dec 28, 2005 14:57

Just a little reminder to you that, even though the semester may be over..

I’m still quite obsessed with you.

haha fuck sewing machines.

lovelovelove -T-

Dec 28, 2005 

WOW I LOVE YOUR PICTURES

( i haven’t been on here in a while and technology alone fascinates me)

Hey I love you and now I know exactly where your house is, and also that Grant Wood plays guitar? Yes, he does. 

Why?

Because he’s Grant Motherfucking Wood, That’s why.

We’re hanging out New Years and I’m driving the Hummer and it will be amazing.

-T-

PS: Hi, Kelsey’s mom!

Dec 29, 2005 2:44

Lil’ Kels.

hahahhaha

I looove love love your new pictures. You are pretty, 

You’re right.. you better watch out.

Because I do what I want.

-T-

Jan 4, 2006 22:37

IM ONE OF KELSEYS BEST FRIENDS HA HA HA HA HA HA.

I’m sorry. Now that I said that I’m probably going to get kicked off the list for disorderly conduct or just simply being a loser in a public place such as the internet. 

But just to let you know. That’s pretty freakin awesome. lovelovelove -T-

Jan 8, 2006 8:53

My name is Taylor. I am not clingy. I do not want a boyfriend.

I do not show signs of wanting a boyfriend.

I do not make hints leading on to the fact that I may want a boyfriend.

So how, tell me, on EARTH is it possible for someone confuse this issue and IGNORE me because they don’t want a girlfriend.

(%(* ..)%([IOJENTI..OWI$...]WO -T-

Jan 10, 2006 0:30

Umm how about DONT listen to addie.

That’s like the most amusing picture I’ve ever seen.

Take it down?

I think not.

Jan 18, 2006 0:14

JORDAN YOU IDIOT.

The term is quite obviously FEM-bots.

Not THEM-bots..

I don’t know what goes in your clouded mind sometimes..

maybe I’m just too sexy and it distracts you. mmm i think i am correct. -T-

Jan 18, 2006 0:16

Oh P.S.

Boys with your name are not exactly as great as you.

I have had much experience with them lately.

hahaha and their girlfriends get mad ;-)

Feb 4, 2006 21:01

THAT PICTURE OF ME UP AT THE TOP IS GROSS.

THAT IS SICK TAKE IT DOWN.

It serves NO purpose other than to make me look FUGLY.

I want it off NOW.

but i loove you

Feb 5, 2006 8:14

Guess who as a thing for you.

The hottest guy in the world.

Whats the mixture of a tiger and a lion?

A WHORE.

think about it.

Feb 28, 2006 5:30

“I definitely just deep-throated the lollipop.”

Hey little girl.. do you want to know a seeker-ett?

hahaha thanks for helping me with my computer troubles. I know you bend many way for me. i like dat.

Mar 21, 2006 7:54

“Kelsey y dont u just LEAVE US ALONE.

WE R TRYIN 2B HAPPY. OMGGGGGG.”

hahahah. See, I had to write the original message with punctuations and vowels-- but I had to translate into the way SHE would write it.

But she’s not immature. She’s just not fond of correct spelling.

i love you -T-

Apr 5, 2006 7:51

LoL i KnOw!!

ExcLamAtiOn PoIntS aRe THIRD GrAdErS !! !! !!

(also notice this super cool signature I’m going to add in to the ending of this comment)

::sWiFt::

hahahah

Apr 22, 2006 18:39

PUT UP PROM PICTURES!!!!!!!!!!

And as soon as I get my laptop back, I’ll be leaving you a certain picture that I think you’ll like.

Because a certain girl might see it. lovelovelove -T-

Apr 23, 2006 14:19

(Picture)

(Picture)

(Picture)

(This is you quite obviously staring at my boobs)

Apr 24, 2006 17:56

Lyrics we live by:

And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time I want what’s your and I want what’s mine

I want YOU, but I’m not giving  giving in this time.

haha i love you you’re really pretty. -T-

Apr 30, 2006 19:33

Kelsey.

I love you and I’m sorry about all the “distance”.

Distance = stupid and unnecessary.

Dude. The truth us, i miss you. Starbucks tomorrow? 

May 2, 2006 22:10

Yeah, I remember I have that photoshoot today and tomorrow. Well, its good to know I was missed. haha. Speaking of missed, I really wish you didn’t work so much because I wanted to hang out today.

lovelovelove -T-

Call me.

May 27, 2006 1:44

Dude.

The scrolling picture of your car is mad cool mannnnnn.

sweeeeet.

I stared at it for like an hour. hahaha

no really. the sad thing is, I did.

Jun 9, 2006 20:30

I CANT FIND MY PHONE.

errrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Kelsey. My lovely best friend. YOU CAME TO MY SHOWWWWWW! I didn’t know if you or ally actually came or not because I didn’t see you, thank you so much for coming. That means the world to me, you know that. I love you.

lovelovelove -T-

Jun 19, 2006 10:52

I MISS YOU AND I WANT TO SEE YOU.

I leave again tonight for north carolina but i wont be gone as long this time, and I want my best friendddd backkkkk.

I love you and ally.

lovelovelove

-T-

Jul 31, 2006 19:24

You know you’ve been away too long when your best friend doesn’t have any trace of you on her myspace anymore. Kelsey. I missss you.

I’m going over to Ally’s house tonight and if you’re not there I’m going to walk over to your house and abduct you. 

lovelovelove -T-

Here’s a LINK to the pictures of the alleged MySpace comments. 

BONUS:

#Gaylor #Timeline

[kathryncalls]

springboarding out of the friend zone

Yes, terrible title I know, but theres something I need to type out, something I need to air. Now I write this, it’s so horrendously typical but I’m still typing so lets see whether I can answer my own questions by writing it out. I feel like everyone else on the internet writes stuff that no one ever reads and it helps, so now its my turn.

I am so confused but so happy but so worried about getting my hopes up. Earlier I said that I’m so excited that I’m almost scared, and I know it’s because it’s too good to be true! You’re you and I still don’t know what that means. But you’ve been this ideal thing that I’ve always pushed aside in my mind, wanted to text because I just love speaking to you but have forced myself not to because we’re too good friends. Never in my life have I suppressed feelings because I genuinely couldn’t lose someone. If this weekend would never have happened then I don’t think I would’ve ever said anything. I know I’ve said 100 times that I don’t like her, but at the end of the day, if she was making you happy then I’m ok with that. It made me happy to hear you say that you were cutting the strings with her, I feel like you really do want me, which is so cool, honestly, it’s so surreal, and it’s stupid to say it’s surreal because surely surreal is going into freaking space, I don’t know it feels stupid to call it that either way. You told me how attractive you found me last night, which was adorable, I like that side of you, and I want to see more of it, but I’m still finding it weird. I want you be with you so much, and its something that Ive known would make me happy for a long time but it’s truly something that I’ve suppressed for years which feels weird to say, but I think that’s why I’m finding it weird to call you something less personal and stuff like that, and also to tell you how attractive I find you and what exactly I love about you. Ok, another thing, this is weird because at this point, we should be finding out about each other and getting to know one another, not telling you what I love about you, but because I’ve classed you as my friend for at least 18 months, I feel like we’ve jumped ahead 3 months… Its weird, I want you to take me on a date, but I don’t because its you, its us, but our first date would be so funny, so much fun, you make me laugh, you bring out the worst in me and your bring out the best, you make me happy to be me which is quite something. With him I felt like I was being someone that I was telling myself I wanted to be a little bit. He didn’t treat me like I wanted to be, but I held on and Im not sure why to be honest. I like to be treated like a princess, lets not lie, but I don’t like to be pandered too, I like to be strong in myself, I don’t want to be a house wife (that wasn’t a proposal, hypothetically) but at the same time, I want to cook you a nice meal for when you finish work, or iron your uniform whilst youre in the shower so you don’t have too. Im not a chocolates and flowers girl, Im a leave a note somewhere kind of girl, send me something that reminds me of us. I like to be a real unit with whoever I dedicate myself too, and I really do, when I dedicate myself to someone, now I know that you don’t do clingy, and I might end up coming across that way, its linked to the whole, me sounding pessimistic thing. I’m really really not feeling negative about any of this. I just do not want to screw it up, I can’t, for so many reasons! I can’t lose you as a friend regardless of what happens romantically between so I need to be careful how I tread here because I’m not prepared to lose you. See as I write that and think about it, maybe this is a bad idea because youre not as worried about our friendship as I am, you don’t seem to have these worries which could be such a bad sign, but at the same time, maybe its because you know exactly what you want? Another thing, you’ve told me multiple times that you’ve cheated before, never anything too serious but still, I cant cope with anyone doing that to me, let alone you, how am I supposed to maintain a friendship post breakup if you do that to me, I almost don’t want to give you the chance too…

Another thing. Distance. Realistically, we’ve both done long distance, and you say that the reason you cheated on her was because she wasn’t right, but you didn’t know that to start with, but now youre so sure, which is amazing, and I love that you think I’m right and that this is right, I agree so much, but again, I don’t want to ruin our friendship. ah shit I hate this feeling. And I keep having this argument with myself about whether its perfect or awful timing so here, pros and cons.

Great timing: You’re about to come home from spending 18 months in Spain, you’re not gonna be living at home, you’re probably going to be in London, you’ve got a job, you’re basically set

Awful timing: youre about to start your career, I’m about to move away from London, I’m about to go back into training, you might be miles away from London, our timetables might not match up

If you haven’t already got the jist, I am not letting this end sourly.

ah shit.

Anyway, finally, why I think you’re great: very intelligent, mature but immature, sociable, lovable, loved by mother, confident, amazing sense of humour, understands my love for the arts, cheeky, emotional, genuine, incredible gentleman and so so sexy, I don’t care how cringe it is, no ones gonna read this

we’re apart for valentines day too, which is weird because thatd be a great first date for us.. so do I send a card as a cute little joke, a serious card, or do I not even mention it? You know how much I want you to make all the first moves, I want to be asked out on date, I wanted to be kissed first, I want to be told I’m loved first ( a long way down the line)

Basically I just want to be excited about this and not have a million reasons why we cant do this cross my mind

we can do this,

no one is stopping us

theres no one to look over our shoulders when its just us, we live in the same town so visiting family together and Christmas wouldn’t be an issue

ahh stop taking everything so seriously, I try and run before I can walk, I think that’s where all the making the first move thing comes from, I don’t know

right now the best thing I could think to be doing is just isolating ourselves, running off to a city somewhere and submerging ourselves, without people watching, like you said, without people wondering why we look so happy, why I laugh at everything you say, why we lock eyes and pause for a little too long, (that’s another thing, when we went for lunch that time at Christmas, we kept locking eyes for just a few seconds too long, and please, I put a fucking dress on for you, you wore a suit, could’ve been taken as signs but I genuinely think we both, well I know for me this is the case, but I reckon we’ve deeply suppressed stuff for so long)

Ok ok, you wanna know when it really hit me that I wanted you for real… when you told me about A. Honestly. You’ve always been the one I’ve thought about when I felt shit in a relationship or when I’m alone, I mean please, ask K, he was sick of hearing about you no doubt, but I did love being with K before things got really hard, but that night when you told me about A in the pub, you know me so well, that ive no idea how you didn’t literally hear my heart sink. but again, supressed to and opted for ‘tell me more’.

I wish I could talk to you about all this, but its been a week since we kissed, that’s all, and 2 weeks ago you wanted to be single for a few years and now you want to be with me, easy for you to say when youre alone in a room in spain, homesick, will you say that when you move in with the boys and meet all the air hostesses, why the fuck do I think I can trust you? do I really think I can change you? like really? I want to think that youll dedicate yourself to me but I CANT LOSE YOU, I hope you understand how much this is paining me

you really don’t know this side of me, ive kept it from you on purpose

if I lose you I have no one

look who I turned too when I split up with H, and again with J and with K. you.

Who do I turn to when its you I split up with? Also, a huge part of my just wants a nice house out of the city where we can live together, with a puppy just us, but that's in the future...

Just come home Ben

(if anyone is still reading this, please, do share your thoughts - a very confused 20yo)

#confused #friendzone #inorout #dilemma #overthinking

[theletterineversent]

Dear Late Night Uncertainties,

I can't sleep, so my head is doing all kinds of crazy things right now, but I just wanted to tell you that if there's anything I can ever do to be a better girlfriend, all you have to do is tell me. I want to be there for you in every way that I'm wanted and that I can... I'm really excited to move in together and see where life takes us in the future. Just saying that, there's a part of me that won't stop thinking about all the ways I could fuck it up, that even just sending this, you're going to read it, think I'm just insecure and annoying and realize that you could do better. I worry everyday that the next words you'll say to me are "We need to talk" and my whole world is gonna come crashing down because I can't imagine my life without you. Now I'm clingy too. And the rational side of my brain knows that you're not the kind of person who would dig a hole so deep by lying to someone and saying you love them when you don't, or by moving in with them, or by spending any amount of money on coffees for us when I know it's hard financially sometimes. Someone who doesn't care about another person wouldn't do those things.

But sometimes when you snap at me because you're irritated, I don't honestly know if it's because you're irritated with me or slmething else or just irritated. And so I beat myself up because god, I just want to be there for you and be with you and lay in your arms for the rest of our lives. Shit, I want to quit my job and get an RV and just travel the world with you, just the two of us.

I don't know how much of this stems from the fact that I've never had a relationship last longer than a year, or just about a year. Or how much of this is just this suddenly overwhelming depression and anxiett I find myself saddled with.

Please don't think I'm blaming you for anything or saying that you're doing anything wrong. There's definitely days that are wonderful, and then there are days when the end is there, I can hear the words coming out of your mouth like you're actually saying them, and then we say I love you and part and it's all okay, until I start to.overanalyze everything again. Does he mean it? I've been in relationships before where I kept it going well after I had realized that I wasn't invested. Is he doing the same thing? Can't be, we're moving in together? Why would he trap himself.in a one bedroom apartment with someone he plans on breaking up with? He wouldn't be so cruel as to do all that, then break up and just move back in with his friends would he? Could he be capable of that?

I'm just so uncertain and I'm afraid to talk about it with you because I'm afraid you'll realize its true and leave.

Im so afraid. I cant stand it. Im not gonna hurt myself but theres nothing to take my mind off these stuoid thoughts and I cant do anything about them so I sit here and worry and worry and worry and worry and play that stuoid color by numbers game which doesnt take my mind off anything...

Why the fuck are you asking people on tumblr to dm you? I dont care if you post a nude selfie everyday. Girls across the world could look at you and it wouldnt matter. But dm me? Really? Who the fuck is dming you after looking at your nude pictures? What do they want? You said at magstock that it bothered you when guys would stare at me, so why do I feel so guilty thinking about how to bring it up to you that I randomly found your tumblr and that i dont care if you posted that selfie I thiught was just for me, but that the hashtag dm me was the real kicker that partially helped set off this goddamn nightmare of a novel of issues. Dm me?

Dm me?

What do I need to do to be enough? Why do you need DMs for strangers on the internet? Shit. You made me feel.sexy enough to take nude pictures of myself and send them over the internet. That takes a lot of trust. And confidence. And both kind of took a hit tonight.

Am.i too boring in bed? Nevermind, running a porn blog doesnt mean that our sex is bad, I sure hope you'd tell me if the sex is bad, Im not opposed to trying new things if it excites you. And people post selfies all the time, nude selfies too. Hell, one of my friends is a dancer porn star cam girl. The nudity isnt the fucking problem.

You know what, Im mad. Real mad. And i wont talk about it, I know, cause Im afraid that Im already pushing you away so why give you any more reasons to think Im a crazy jealous bitch, right? But I dont think its fair that you get jealous when other guys stare at me and youre literally fucking asking strangers on the fucking internet to fucking dm you on a fucking nude pic? While were literally talking about moving in together? What the actual.fuck?

Do you sext with them? Does anyone even DM you? Three people liked it, that I know. I swear, I try really hard to not be jealous, but shit, I dont even know where to go from here, my thoughts keep getting stuck on how betrayed I feel and how angry I am but also how hurt, and how insecure I feel that Im not enough for you.

Ive given you so much, and you've given me so much too, which is maybe why this hurts so much. I don't know. Its late, and I have work in 6 hours and Im probably not falling sleep anytime soon.

All I want to do is call you and ask about it like a rational adult, and maybe I will tomorrow night, but maybe Ill also just wait until the next time you post a selfie asking people on tumblr to dm you, and maybe Ill create a fake account and dm you from it, and see what you say. But see, thats the bitchy sneaky way to do it and no good comes from that. But will any good come from asking you in person?

What if you try to lie to me and say you dont have a tumblr and I have to tell you I know all about it and I already know that you posted that while we we've been dating?

On another note, do you have something against putting on facebook that were in a relationship? Its been almost a year. Sure, fb official doesnt mean jack shit, and again, on a rational level, I know all of that. But damn, if sometimes it wouldnt make me feel better.

Ive done this in the past, the boyfriend doesnt put relationship status on facebook, doesn't take many pictures with you, doesnt come over to your place as often as you come over to his...

I know (think? Can make up?) Good reasons for these things in our case - relarionship status isnt your thing, the important people know and thats what matters; we have too much fun to take photos together, were living in the moment; damn I live stupid far away and you dont have a car or much money to take a lyft or an hour long bus ride everywhere

Still hurts sometimes though.

You know what else hurts? You'll never see this. You'll never know all these feelings in my head becuase I am.forever to afraid to talk about with you in person or on the phone. You'll never fucking know and I'm afraid that will be the end of us.

I love you, and I want to be with you for a long time, and I can only sit here in this moment, afraid, hoping that this is all just stupid anxiety and that things are gonna get better when we move in together because I dont think I could take the heartbreak.

Love, Me.

[perry-the-deer]

When im in a red shift i just get a constant fear of ‘whos gonna go next’? and i used to not have it! i really did red shifts were upbeat and happy and made me happy and smiley and brave and excited and i loved them!! and Reds my core so like,, im constantly Red, even if im,, not in the shift fully at the time. And it used to be nice! but now, people have left because of my red shift and ive lost Yellow and i kinda feel bad everytime im in a red shift around green mostly because i talk?? and im supposed to be Dumbass Mute Boy but he doesnt understand it anymore and i feel awkward since i dont know asl yet. ontop of that thanks to Yellow leaving after promising me she wouldnt and that everything was going fine between us my brain, isnt, letting me trust people who say theyll stay.

i need constant reassurance but i feel like thats too needy. I need constant reminders but thats too needy. Im too clingy and needy and sad all the time and i want to cry and scream a lot but i feel like if i do around anyone or i vent too much im gonna be seen as a burden but i cant just keep it all inside all the time and my brain keeps saying its just teenage drama and it is i know it is but!! if everytime someone promises me they arent gonna leave they do leave then trust issues are going to fuck me up and i hate saying that  hate it i hate myself i hate it it sounds so fucking stupid and petty and i sound so angry over nothng but

every single time. Every. Single. Time! i know its my fault i know i deserve this i know i lie and do things wrong i know i know i know i know but im trying im trying please im trying so fucking hard and i know im pathetic and a mess and i deserve every bad thing that hapens to me and i know im a hhorrible fucking person but i jsut. im trying. im trying please just understand im trying to get better im trying to correct myself im trying

Im told by people that im a compulsive liar and im narcissistic and manipulative and bossy and get angry quickly and  im a bad fucking horrible disgsting person that shouldnt be alive and sholdnt be able to speak or move or breathe and ive believed it all for so long and its drilled into my head that im this bad horrible disgusting human being that shouldve been killed when i was little that shouldve been aborted or stabbed by mom or i should be 100% emotionally numb from csa or i shouldve died from the multiple times ive tried to kill myself or i shouldve given in to the abusers ive had in my life and im still alive and i dont fuckin deserve it

i dont deserve any of the nice people in my life i dont deserve green or blue i didnt deserve to get to meet up with blue i dont deserve a second chance with X i dont deserve my dad getting nicer i dont deserve to be alive i dont deserve anything i just deserve to be left and hated by everyone and die from feeling a rope tight around my neck

i dont deserve to grow up i dontdeserve to talk or laugh or smile or cry or scream or exist or anything ishould jsut fuckign diei i should stop existing emotionally and leave the gorp mysefl so i have a breakdowna dn finally fuckgin take the pilsl ive been meanign to take for yeayrrs

i just want to die and leave and have everyone leave i want my life over i want it over i know im only 14 i know i have alot left infront of me i know i know i now i know it can get better but im sick of waiting ive been told every single day that it gets better and itll be okay eventulyl but im sick of waitin andwith the last bits of hope and luck i have its never fucking going to get better

#ventpost #csa tw #suicidal thoughts tw #overdose tw #i dont know what other ones they are

[0n3-h4lv3]

Cool sexy list of my qualities

-stupid: I absolutely just Never know what the fuck is going on. My memory is borderline nonexistant and I have a terrible time grasping ANYTHING. You can explain something i already know to me like 8 times and i might still be just completely lost.

-socially incompetent: i dont understand social cues and i honestly cant tell if im texting too much or what energy im putting out i dont know if im overwhelming you or if you hate me or if my jokes are bad or if i act like im in love with you i always overcorrect or jusy refuse to correct at all and my friendships dont last and i fuck up i fuck up i fuck up.

-clingy: im gonna text you all the time. Once a day at least, and if we dont talk once a day ill think "oh GOD we're slipping apart !" And ill feel so alone and ill break my own heart and then you'll text me the next day so casual and oblivious and ill beat myself up for being suxh a fool and play the same games all over again anyway.

-needy: i need. Attention. And validation. And approval and time and words and looks and conversation allll the timmmmee. If you arent responding to my many daily texts then that means u hate me !!!! And if you hate me ill cut myself and ill cry and cry and cry !!!! Ill say "oh im so sorry i text so much" and "are you still gonna wanna talk to me when things change ?" Because things. Always change they ALWAYS do and no one stays through the change and youll say "thats fine !" And "of course i will !!" And then it wont be fine youll get so sick of it and you WILL leave because you know better and i will just keep breaking my own heart in preperation but nothing will prepare me for when you do it yourself.

-obsessive: i latch on to people so strong and i love Fast and Hard and honestly god forbid you fall into my love bc its just the worst situation. If im in love with you then thats just that. Id die for you and id kill for you and ill worship the ground you walk on and pray to your name. Its... emberrassing, especially when we r also friends and i KNOW you arent into me ! Bc i will still. Have all these fucking unkillable feelings that make my life hell.

-slutty: god.im seriously like. As horny as i am sad, and that PLUS the fact that i get 80% of my self worth from my sexuality and romantic appeal to others, of COURSE im just out here tryina fuck WHOEVER. And thats just rlly. Nasty. And pathetic. Like what a low-life cunt huh?

-draining: all of these other qualities just absolutely wear a bitch down. Loving me means puttinf up with all these terrible awful things; being MY emotional support is not a hell i would wish on my worst enemy and yet i hand it off to the people i love most !!!

-physically incompetent: i cant fucking balance. Or lift anything. Or stand up. Or walk for more than a few hours. I cant ride a motorized scooter for christ's sake. I cant rollerblade OR skate. Not even ... in a cute way where someone could teach me and i'd be adkrably clutzy and then i would get it but in like. A pathetic way were i can try again and again and again and i still wont be able to do it and i will feel so fucking horrible ans emberrassed and make everyone uncomfortable not to mention hold them back from having a good time. Cant ride a bike either !!! Or dance !! I fall in love with people who are fun and outgoing and i just cant keep up with them and its so unbecoming and pathetic.

I am so fucking worthless. I am so exceptionally worthless. I will literally never ever get any of this right i will just keep making the same mistakes until god himself kills me because we ALL know im too pussy to pull the trigger myself !!! Ive tried !!!!!!!! I will never learn or grow because im too goddamn stupid to figure out how and it doesnt matter. None of this matters and i dont matter.

[rawshau]

A whole fuck ton of thoughts

Jeffs thoughts fuck off mate It's interesting seeing who i am becoming. What i value. What i'm willing to do. It's like the fear is gone. Or at least leaving. Was brianna this fear? Because it seems both of us are better now that we're apart. Both of us doing more in our lives. Were we holding each other back? I'm excited to see how things will go with Leigh. I'm a little nervous but excited as well. It'll be interesting to see who she is. It's difficult trying to be flirty and shit while being deep. I mean i haven't physically seen her in years. So it's hard for me to be all flirty. She's seems really smart. Articulate. I wonder how our conversations will go. If we can be close. I hate that i still think of brianna. Most if not all my thoughts tho are of anger and frustration. She treated me like shit so much and gets everything for it. I'm sure she's still anxious as fuck and struggling financially but still she gets shit served to her on a platter. Boyfriend, couch, financial aid in multiple forms, jobs or job possibilities. I don't get why she gets to be so cruel and rude and mean all the time yet it feels like non of it comes back to bite her. Maybe it does i just dont see it. I dunno. I'm sure ill get some shit coming back to me for wanting retribution. I'm just hurt I suppose. And right now being angry is how i'm dealing with it i guess. Sometimes i wonder if something big is going on here. Like a shift in consciousness big. Both Linden and I have relationship problems at the same point in time. Brianna was pulled to a past interest, i find myself involved with a past interest. I feel like i was kinda just compelled. Or maybe that's me just justifying it. I hope i'm not rebounding. But Leigh excites me. She's smart and i find her really fuckin sexy. I want to see her. Who she really is. What is rebounding anyways. A common behavior of those who are heart broken? A copeing mechanism? Is it to make the other person jealous in hope that they will come running back because if that is what rebounding is I have no desire to be with brianna. I'm having trouble being her friend as it is. The majority of our relationship she was all take no give. Or at least that is how it felt to me. After being treated so poorly, i never wanted to do nice things for her. And she never desired me. She thought I was disgusting. Or at least that's how it felt. Around march she wouldn't even let me cuddle her. It felt like she was involved with someone else and didn't want to betray him with me. Which may even be the case. I know i don't want to be with brianna. She treated me horribly and didn't really love me. She said it a lot but never meant it. I knew i wanted out of that relationship. And now that i'm not blinded by emotions, i know this is for the best. I hope Linden and I end up going to Astral. Even for just a night or 2. I don't even need to take drugs really i kinda just wanna get drunk a enjoy that atmosphere. I think i might try a mushroom smoothy again. I definitely want a psychedelic experience again. Dunno why. Just feel like it's important. I'm feeling the fear today. It's pulling me away. An opportunity opens up as well. Someone to go with but not the one i wanted. Imagine that. Leigh is getting too real as well. I'm all self conscious about sex now. I just wannnnnna break from all this but that's me running and hiding. That's the fear. I don't really have anyone to rely on now. I'm trying to tether to someone. I just want support man. I want a best friend. Ugh fuck life right now. I feel low. If this is what people feel normally, i would definitely say people are not happy. I don't feel happy. Work is so unfulfilling. There is no one there to be social with really. I have hardly any social life. Linden is work focus, brianna had a whole new life. The only prospect i have for social interaction is Leigh and video games. And video game feel bad. They don't feel good. Leigh and I aren't really connecting. I want connection. I can't stand work right now. I mean it's a great job if you have a social life. But I do not. Maybe i'm just a little down at the moment. Some depressing thoughts. A little coffee and a muffin and ill be good to go. Yeeah probably just weeeeed hangover. Or i neeed a friend fucking shit man. Everything feels like a mistake. Not going to astral, my feelings for leigh, i feel sad. Or energyless. Or at least when im alone. I like being around people. I miss having friends. I hope that with leigh ill be able to open up and that she will too. I like all the sexy stuff but i just dont feel sexy right now. Maybe things will feel better when i see her. Fuck man. I dunno about anything anymore. I like leigh but right now i'm not feeling the attraction. Sexuality is a big fat zero. I don't know why i like the sexy talk. It just ends up making me nervous. I need to be connected to have sex... I think. But then again once i get turned on it's a whole new ball game. I probably need to see her. I sure she's hot as fuck. But fuck i need the connection. I need the spiritual love yo. I need that mask off. I dunno what i need. I wanna drink. Fuck work man. Work is the worst place ever. Love the people here just hate being here. suuuuuch a waste of time. I could be doing nothing at home right now! Or at least not being miserable. I want friends. People who care. Life without people really sucks. I dunno how linden does it. He leaves town a lot. Works with guys he can share with. Fuck man. I got like no one. Leigh just wants to fuck im sure. Which is great but w.e. I need to focus on what i like doing fuck everyone else. I want a beer. Fuck friends are 2 puss to have fun. Cuz there all sad a scared to live like i was. I don't know how to heal people. I just want to be in that energy you know? Being happy and hype is hard for our group. They take life too serious. Granted i think we know (or used to) more about our selfs because of it. I DOOOONT GIVE A FUCCCK WHHAT YAALLL THINK. WUT Wut!!! We feelin good today mate.👍 Your really bad at flirting mate. For some reason i'm a little frightened of having sex with Leigh. I'm scared of starting a whole relationship again. Scared of opening up to someone again. Which is odd because i'm pretty open to those who i can be open to. Is it the intimacy. The after sex part is scary to me. Becoming a couple. I just wanna take things slow. I like her a lot. I wanna get to know her. Spend time with her more. Being sexual with some kinda scares me. I start doubting myself or comparing myself with the idea of other people shes been with. What she'll think of me and how i look. It gets me nervous, which doesn't help with be sexual :/. My god how attached am i? Jesus last night was stupid. I keep living for/following other people. I need to find me again. Live for myself. I miss family tho. I'd love to see Dad and Chase and Yvette. Enjoy each others company. I wish linden would stick to his word. Said sometime this week we'd get the couch. Then the weekend, now nothing. My god. I feel like such a burden, like i'm using him. I am using him... But man he did say he had access to his parents vehicles. Ugh life really feels dull. I wanna get a weed vape. Something I can just suck on passively without tons of prep. I want a god damn couch to lay on. I hate depending on others they fucking suck. I really just want to rid myself of this current point in time. This "chapter" is fucking dim man. I watched teal video on belonging, it's got me thinking. Have I really ever belonged somewhere. Do i belong with someone. Was belonging the problem in my relationship with brianna? I didn't see myself belonging with her. Tho i loved her. Where do ilI belong? I never feel like i belong. I always see myself as different then others. Which makes me push people away. All i've wanted was to have loving relationships or i guess what i've wanted was to belong. To be able to be my authentic self and share it. When i think back to that summer i worked for the city. That was one of the most painful moments i had. It took months to stop smoking and to get back to being me. I had friends tho. I had support. We hung out still. And it seems no matter how hard i try people dont wanna hangout. Maybe it's because i rely on linden. I cant think of someone else tho that i can hangout with and have fun. I just remember when me and linden were chilling a long time ago he got a call from shelby to go to slave lake. Things just happened to us. I was happy. We have a stronger relationship. Now it's just vacant. I wish i had friends :/. Fuck girls for now srsly i don't think i focus on that. If leigh wants to hangout/hookup w.e I wanna figure my own life out for me and not for someone else. 😁😁😁👍your trippin a lil mate.✌️ I have a fear that i'll be boring. That i'm not enough. My aversion to going out. I just don't know. She's special. I like her. Still need to share more. To see into her. Intimacy. Tho we are very sensual. I sure am thinking about her a lot. I need to remember to focus on foreplay. I want her all riled up. I like a little less tongue wile killing to be honest. I like to progress into tongue. I think about who she is the and i swoon a little. The things she says, just these small little things i see her do, reminds me of a side of myself. I llllliiiiikkkkkeeeee her. I guess well see where this goes. I can't seem to stop thinking about her. I want to give her her space. I'm trying not to rush this. Buuut i keep thinking about her. I feel less shy and nervous with her. Which leaves excitement. I enjoy how sensual she is. She caresses my skin. Bites my shoulders. I wanna make her moan and rive and wiggle with pleasure. I wanna take my time and learn what she likes and doesn't like. I want her to grind down on me. I wanna do her from behind nice and slowly. Heheheh god she gets me turned on. To be honest I'm messaging her no more then normal. So I don't think i'm being needy or clingy or what ever the fuck. But yeah since yesterday there's been nothing. I kinda like her. I'm sure she's not used to having someone in her life, seeing how it's been 2 years. Might be a bit scary for her. Take time for yourself Jeff. You're being a idiot mate. It's been one day. Let her miss you if she misses you. You need to be able to be on your own. To be alone. To be satisfied with just being. If you focus on her that is all you're gonna be. Focus on you for a little. How else are you going to share yourself with her if you just focus on her. This is attachment mate. Don't be attached. Why is it I can't be alone. Why is this so hard. What happens if she doesn't text back. What if she just wanted sex? Does she even like me? AHHHHHHGHGHGHHJJNHHKKKKK. This is rather frustrating. And it's only the first day. I have to basically wait till the weekend for something to happen. Ughhhhh what if she doesn't text me again. I LIKEEE HERRRR UHHHHGGGGHH I have a feeling I'm not going to hear from her. I think I was just being used. I don't know how she feels. I don't think she likes be, she could possibly be a fuck girl. I think Thursday i'll message her again. But nothing sexual. Wow this sucks. I just wanted to get to know her better. She's used to these kind of relationships. When you sleep together and then after an amount of time contact eachother? I dont know. It feels kinda fucked mate. I know she said this was moving kinda fast so maybe she just needs sometime to herself. She's going through a big transition with work as well so give her time she's not just gonna up and leave. Here i am actually putting myself out there. And now i feel too dependent on people. I'm hesitant to text linden because i feel like I'm using him. I just sent a big message to leigh which i dunno how it'll be received. I don't know what's wrong with me. I wanna do stuff with people but shit feels needy if i ask. I don't know what's right. I used to spend my weekends playing nothing but video games. At it was easy to do that. Now everything feels wrong. Should i just get high after work? Go biking or long boarding? Ill text linden at lunch see if he's free to chill tonight. I desire quality time with friends, family and loved ones. I realize how important these things are in life. They are really all that matter. Take away the entertainment, the materialism, or daily monotonous routines and all we have left is each other. I find it a little sad even how satiated we are by tv, and video games. Or that we struggle in each others company without some sort of drug influence. But to be honest, at least tho who go out and drink socially AND actually enjoy each others company are being around other people. God I'm such a needy fuck. I should have waited. Srsly what could she be doing? I guess starting work at new place or with new people would be difficult and occupying. She doesn't seem to check her phone much anyways. Bahhhghhhh i have no one to talk too bout this! I should do something tonight. Something to keep me busy and active. I need to get my registration done. Change my mail address. Baking Soda the carpet. Maybe some groceries. Muggins with linden? If he actually answers his texts. Dating kinda sucks. Just in the sense that you don't get to see each other when you want. Are we dating? Are we "seeing each other". What title do we have? This whole game makes me feel less secure about anything or everything. People use the loose terms to get out of possible relationships alll the time. Leigh seems like such a good person tho. I keep having these fears that she's doing other people. Purely just anxiety on my part. I trust her when i'm with her, i only feel this when she's not around heh. I wanna see her...:( NEVER CHASE A BITCH. Fears confirmed. She just wanted to fuck and chuck. She lead me on pretttty hard. But maybe I turned things to serious too quickly. I don't think i'll be able to keep things casual tho. I have a feeling i'm not the only casual guy with her at the moment. Which makes me feel like such an idiot. And definitely don't feel like i can be close with her. God i feel like shit now. All she sees is appearance, which is sad. She can't see beyond the superficial. I'm just a cute 6'2 blonde guy to her. Maybe i'm being a little harsh, but I know what I felt. I knew I wasn't the only one. Makes me feel like a fool. Well see where this goes but I don't think i want to keep hurting myself. I did this to myself. I get toooo attached and this is what happens. W.e I can deal with this. Maybe this is just what I needed in order to be myself. In order to get over Brianna. In order to be ok with myself. Maybe i am the only guy? Who knows? I think i need to focus on myself rather then her. It's helped me realize a lot of things about myself. It's scary to open up to people. To get close. To let yourself feel love for another. To care. So if anything this shows me that I'm still who i want to be. And yeah it's going to hurt. Let it. It hurts because you opened yourself to the possibility of seeing another as yourself. Maybe leigh just needs more time to see me? Maybe this kind of relationship is what you need this year. Casual. Don't chase her. Don't care about who else she's with. Just be you. This is ok. Not surprising actually. I can understand why she would be like this. I don't know her story but i'm guessing she has felt a lot of abandonment. Lack of belonging. I wonder if she knows what love feels like. If she remembers. As far as i know she keeps men and an arms length. By that i mean she probably only keeps physical relationships. She doesn't share her past and satisfies the closeness issue with a bunch of superficial questions to create the illusion of being close. But she really hides her pain. Hides her vulnerability. Doesn't allow for her emotions to be felt. It's truly such a sadness because she is such a beautiful person. I wonder if she'll let me see her. She hides extremely deeply. Quite the challenge. If i can get her to smoke some weed with me i feel we might be able to connect. Who she is drunk could show some indication of who she is. But she lives in that. It's normal for her. So she could have a mask in such a state. Guess well see where this goes. How do i even act around her. I mean next time we hangout is she gonna be able to control herself? Will I? Are we supposed to? How is this canoe trip gonna go? I don't want to do heavy drugs. But it might not be tooo bad. James concerns me little. I don't want all of them looking to my guidance either. Sounds stressful. She used to be very flirty, but now? Nothing. Either she's scared of leading me on. Lost interest. Or scared of her own feelings. Maybe feeling guilty about the other guy? Kinda sucks, i liked having someone to talk to. She seemed very smart. And very interested. I wonder if i was just fucked and chucked. Will she peruse a hangout date? Because it's really not up to me anymore. It's allllll about what she wants. This isn't what I want tho. So in my mind were just friends. I'm attracted but I don't know if I can act on or allow physical interaction. Wtf is a "date" to her? I don't know what this even is anymore. It's all in her control now. She texts me when she wants to, she sees me when she wants to. It's exactly what she wants. She's no longer interested in me anyways. Relationships suck, I think i'll just do me man. If at anytime Leigh does want to hangout i guess I'll see how I feel about that. But I hardlyn doubt she ever just text me randomly for that. She has guys on the side for sure. I'm just being used. Again... Now my dad is all fuckin weird. How am i going to enjoy this trip like this? Ughhhh i just want to be free of all this bulllshit. Leighs bull shit, my dads bull shit, the feeling hollow emptyness. All of it sucks cock. I need a god damn smoke. Rebounding was a horrible idea but fuckin hell she just slept with me and peaced out. What a horrible thing to do man. This feels awful. I liked her man. She was just too perfect. And I don't think ill see her again. Well see where this goes. At Least you got to talk to her and share how you felt. Don't hold on to the idea that she'll want to be exclusive. I dont want to pressure her into a relationship if she doesn't want to be in one. If there ends up being someone else i'll just ask her to inform me first, and ill figure if this is something I want to continue. Remember to stay movin mate. Sittin on the couch first thing in the morning is a bad habit. Just sit outside with a coffee. Enjoy the summer warmth. Keep your space clean. I don't know what I want. I don't know if i can have a casual relationship. It feels so hollow. Devoid of love, intimacy. Where is this going? Is she just gonna come by some nights to fuck? We don't do anything else. I doubt she'll wanna go snowboarding. I don't know if i even want a relationship with her. Everything feels weird about it. Everything feels secretive. Like we aren't supposed to open up to one another. All this is is just sex. Sex and cuddling. We think that's what we want but it really isn't. I need connection. I need to feel that chemistry, that desire. I don't know if I feel that. There is passion but I just don't know if this is what I really want. Ill give it some time to figure out where this is going or what this becomes. I find myself having trouble relaxing and enjoying myself with her. Over thinking this just enjoy being around her. Brianna came by just now. She looks strung out. Depressed and no energy. She got mad at me for hugging her. Felt like she just doesn't anything to do with me anymore. Hurts a little. I still have love for her. She needs to figure out what it is she really wants. God she is beautiful tho. Hurts to see her like that. She's obviously gotten into drugs with them. Poor girl. Definitely not what she deserves. But i suppose it's what she brought on herself. I really hope brianna takes care of herself. I feel she may have been banking on me as a safety net to come to incase her relationship didn't work out. But how fair is that? Did she not expect me to move on? Did she not hurt me several times intentionally to get me to leave. Why is it now that we are no longer "best friends"? How does me being with someone hurt her so much when she had the chance to be with me so often, but never wanted to do anything. I appears to be a little selfish on her side. To want me to be with no one, while she's off gallivanting with Mac-fly. Maybe she didn't think this through. I still care about her, but she is on her own now. There is nothing I really can do about it. Besides, Leigh is a pretty dope girl and she needs my support or rather deserves my support. But honestly girls and these kinds of relationship make life rather difficult. I just wanna hangout and have fun man. Fuck trying to make shit happen. Maybe it's like how she was with Mac when she was with me. She has feelings and she can't be around me without feeling them. Odd though. We were around one another lot during her relationship. Maybe she finally felt how she feels about me when she realized that I'm moved on. She must know that I feel the same way. She was scared to show it. Because it would betray Mac-lame.(haha i'm sure Mac is a nice guy). Guess I'm just not what Brianna needs right now. Or Brianna isn't what I need right now. Regardless i hope she takes care of herself. I do care and worry about her. In retrospect now it kinda feels like she may have done acid and possibly had a bad trip? I notice more now how i treat her or rather how i perpetuate the relationship. I seem to treat her as someone who needs to be cared for or comforted rather then just a normal person. That has been the majority of our relationship tho. Do i have to see her differently? I'm just gonna be me. I care about her I'll show her that I care. This whole friends off thing kinda hurts. Why is it we can be friends when she's with someone but if I find a casual relationship it's all friends off can't be around one another. Unless it's like when we we're together and she couldn't be friends with macfuckface. The thought of them being intimate still just makes me sick. I dunno what to do about this. I feel for brianna still. I still live her, tho i don't think I'm in love with her. I tried to kiss her only once while we were still living together to see if she still reciprocated how I felt. She's compulsively leaned in for a kiss a couple times tho that was more so out of habit. I still want a future with her but I don't know how that would work. I don't see how we could be together. She still treats me like shit, i still want to be her protecter or w.e it is I do. How could that work? Do we need more time? Or are we just not meant to be together. I just hope she's safe. Leigh. Leigh, Leigh, Leigh... Dunno what this is gonna become. I'm catchin feelings already a little. And getting really turned in my you. I might be calling you over to help me sleep more often. Dunno how i feel about the whole casual thing. I know your with other guys. Doesn't bother me too much because I don't know them or see your feelings for them. Which is good. And i suppose this leaves me single technically. Which is also nice. I do feel a bit guilty for perusing someone else while having this kind of relationship. Not that I'm actually perusing anyone. This will be an interesting challenge. I suppose this what i'm ready for? I wanna snowboard. With me mates. This sucks. She comes into my life for a moment and then bam gone. Is it because she's catching feels? And it scares her off? Is she just really busy? (Doubt it we texted constantly while she was busy). Is it some other guy she hasn't told me about? Is this just how it's going go be? See each other one night and that's it for the week? That feels so sad tho. I'm just developing feelings for her and they wither when we are separate for so long. Not to mention our only time we spend together is at my house. I'd like to do stuff with her. She seems fun and has a playful heart that I only get a peak at. If all we have is pillow talk and movies, I'm going to annoy the shit out of her:/. I don't like the feeling of her being with other guys. I thought i could handle it, but it's just feels bad now when I think about it. It kinda feels like she's avoiding me too for some reason. Like i have nothing to base that on but the feeling is there. Could that be a connection of some sort? Are we becoming more "linked". I don't really know what that even is. But you sure do feel it. I don't know what's wrong. I know trying to force sex has always been an issue for me. Looking back it took a while for me a brianna to get to where we were. I think the lack of love is also causing a problem. I guessss i need to just stop focusing on her. Worry bout myself and things will feel fine. If the feels get too strong have a smoke. I don't know how she feels about me. I don't know if she likes to even be here. To come over and cuddle. I wish we did that more these last couple visits. It's always a night time hookup. Which in my mind eludes to sex. Which is my fault. Ugh I assume to much. I need to let things happen if they'll happen again... I just don't feel like love is possible in this relationship. And that's what I think I want. I've been to focused on sex On giving her what I think she wants from this relationship. What do I want from this relationship? Because this relationship, whatever it is, is driving me nuts. So my life isn't with her, but i have feelings for her, i think. And i can feel the emptiness she has for me. Or the inability to reciprocate. Maybe i'm just over thinking this. I like the feeling we had in the beginning. But after hearing she's incapable of intimacy and commitment. And all this inconsistency with seeing one another. It's not what I want, I don't think. Let's just forget her like i did before. I hate being attached. I hate feeling for someone who is unwilling to share her feelings with me. Lets just not focus on sex. Movie cuddles haven't happened in a while. The next time i see her lets just do that. I hate feeling so attached. Stops me from being in the moment.

[boeyiaqsz-blog]

“never”.....

i’ve been writing since IT happened but i only shared it to a few friends. till one day one of them asked me to post it? but lol my plan was to write a legit book.. what a dreamer. anyways, it has almost been a year! yikes how time flies. the person who said things like “i’ll always love you” “its only you” “i promise i”ll never leave you” “you’re the only one” ha ha ha ha HA HA HA ha ha ha BULLFUCKINGSHIT. it’s so disgusting thinking about it. 3 fucking years of pure bullshit. ogai, let’s be real it wasn’t bullshit. i’ve never loved someone soo much. i loved him toooooo much till i forgot about myself. i would say i was genuinely happy in the relationship, only because i made him my happiness, like 101% him. and when he left.. we’ll get back to that later. lol. bla bla bla so here’s……. 17 reasons why i think/know why we broke up;

 i’m clingy as fuck. i’m sorry that i loved you so much but hey? isn’t that why we were together? 

i’m super super insecure about everything. everything. literally everything. no matter how many times you tell me i’m beautiful or whatsoever, i’d still feel insecure.

trust issues. i trust you but at the same time i have someone in my mind telling me not to. also i don’t trust the people around you. but my heart 100% trusts you.

i’m a sensitive bitch. i get upset over the smallest thing ever! legit small. like tinier than an ant. eg: u paying more attention to your pet than me. ((jokes but u get it right))

if you reply me 1-9 hours later i would definitely merajuk and EXPECT you to pujuk me cause hello, ya got me thinkin’ what the fuck i said or did?

i may not be the best girlfriend, but i’d always try and try. failed.

i love love love love to merajuk, just to get ur attention.

i’d obvi get upset if u talk to ur ex/girl you used to like/a girl who likes you and ya. i can see how a girl talks to you, and i’d know she’s interested. yellow i’m a girl, i’d know. its a nom thing so fuck you. jk. AND HA I WAS FUCKING RIGHT. 

lies. i lied once to protect his feelings.. but well that fucked it all up. back to 3) trust issues.

i can be a bitch sometimes(most of the time).. like a cold heartless bitch.

not showing my happiness, i don’t know how to show it. but, believe me when i say i’m happy. cause i really am, the minute u tell me im not thats when i merajuk. back no 7) merajuk.

almost loving you more than myself. always put yourself first second third then only your significant other. 

controlling. i didn’t realise that i was controlling. i just loved him so much.. i’m just scared of losing him. 

i’ll never be good enough. never.

he also said i wasted his time. didn’t hurt at all. mhm not even a bit……… sz OGAI. back to 9) lies. who would be okay? wtf. 

ego.

i’m s______ z___, that’s why. 

we broke up after our 15th month officially together and from there i knew it was really the end. like shit my better half, my happiness is.. is GONE. it was soo hard for me. like Goodness me.. yeeer thinking about it makes me want to puke. i changed to a person i said i’d never be. like 3fucking60. the things i said i’d never do, i’m attached to it now and lol you can basically say i’m fucked up. i basically put my health at risk. i’m slowly trying to get back on track but lol. the amount of times i actually wanted to “go”.. yikes too much. i basically wanted my home to be 6 feet under. 10 months i was in the deepest hole or i was so KOYAK. the first few months, Gosh it was hell because we still kept in touch and he was a fucking prick. excuse 101 with a badak: “i did it because i wanted you to move on” lolololol bye fuckerlicia. and idk why the fuck i was still backing him up when he was such a dick to me????? love is blind, katanya. we didn’t talk for a few months till my birthday came up and i was surprised when he called me and lol yeah? we started talking/facetiming again like every. single. day. a girl who hasn’t moved on obviously had her hopes up, amirite? ok bla bla bla next thing i know.. it was official. they’re official. so i was like yeet gotta blast. don’t wanna ruin relationships cause thats not my cup of tea. a funny/stupid story happened but lol i’m not gonna talk about it cause yeeet HAHA bye. and idk how we started talking again? and this badak asshole calls me on facetime telling me shits like UGH i’d say it but its alright. and i’m just like?.. are you still with that girl? or.. nah? i’m so confused? but then again like what some friends said, he just doesn’t want you to move on. in that period of time. that’s what they said because they have been in the same exact situation. and basically after that…… we legit stopped talking till this very day. God bless my soul i found my own happiness and finally i see my worth. 10 months i demotivated myself, i downgraded myself, i fucked myself up for a useless guy i thought that was worth the world. i was so fucking stupid. Alhamdulillah got some sense too. the person i thought that would be here with me through everything and promised he’d always stay no matter what. aih i was so stupid. i’m so much happier now? not because of a guy but because of myself. well i cant credit myself lol my friends helped me way too much. i am where i am because of koyak, remp586, kosek and to those who follow my private account. i doubted God when he left cause i thought it was the end of the world/my world. so stupid. it was only the beginning sz! believe me, it gets better. time does heal. believe in it and yourself.

kalau ada silapan dengan tulisan saya, jangan kecam sis. 

b.sz