Visit Blog
Explore Tumblr blogs with no restrictions, modern design and the best experience.
#but i am also in immense amounts of pain
kyjoraven · 2 days ago
5 Reasons Why Eeth Koth is Underrated
Tumblr media
1. Eeth Koth was the only notable user of the the Crucitorn technique.
Crucitorn (named after the Jedi Master who was able to continue fighting after being seriously burned during the Battle of Nar Shaddaa) allows a Force user to transcend physical pain beyond normal thresholds.
According to Book of Sith: Secrets of the Dark Side, Crucitorn not only “allows the user to withstand immense pain”, but could also be used to increase the pain of a Force-user’s target.
“Through means of mental infiltration, a Jedi could focus on another's sensation or interpretation of pain, enhancing it to seem as if an injury was more painful than it really was or alleviate the amount of pain produced”. Crucitorn was also utilized when one “focus[ed] on the wounds themselves, agitating them through the Force and causing more pain to course through the body... (”
Tumblr media
In addition to having several differing views than the Order, Eeth Koth’s ability to use Crucitorn was arguably one of the reasons he was later voted off the Jedi Council.
2. Even after being shot in the arm moments before, Eeth Koth was able to hold his own against General Grevious.
On, Eeth Koth is described as being “a determined warrior with a deep, spiritual connection to the Force” and was considered by some to be one of the most skilled lightsaber duelists in the Order.
Just look how cool he is!
Tumblr media
After ordering his men to evacuate the Steadfast, Eeth not only managed to defeat the onslaught of Commando droids and give his men time to escape, but also fought General Grevious valiantly. Besting Master Koth ultimately required the intervention of Grevious’ MagnaGuards.
“Your reputation precedes you, General. The reputation of a coward, and a murderer.” -Eeth Koth to General Grevious 
3. He was extremely resourceful and strong-willed.
Tumblr media
After being apprehended by Grevious, Eeth Koth was able to communicate his location to the Jedi Council through sign language in a holotransmissiom. In Star Wars: the Clone Wars and the Darth Vader: Dark Lord of the Sith comics, he proved to be a quick thinker and resolute even while facing insurmountable odds.
Tumblr media
4. He was selfless and cared deeply about others.
Even before Master Koth went on to leave the Jedi Order and start a family, he was proving his selflessness and concern for those around him.
Aboard his flagship, the Steadfast, he ordered his men to take the escape pods and leave him to deal with Grevious even though his odds of escape were slim.
Tumblr media
Later after being rescued by Anakin Skywalker and Adi Gallia, he told them, “I would’ve gladly given my life if it meant bringing that monster to justice.”
He continued to prove that he was more concerned with the needs of others than his own, and just how determined he was to bring justice and order to the galaxy.
Tumblr media
5. His epic faceoff against Darth Vader five years after Order 66 was, well, epic.
After being voted off the Council and becoming disillusioned with the Jedi, Eeth chose to leave the Order, become a priest, and start a family.
Roughly five years after the order to execute the Jedi was given, Darth Vader and his Inquisitors managed to track down Eeth and attack his home. While Eeth distracted Vader, he yelled for his wife to take their newborn daughter and run.
Tumblr media
Darth Vader ultimately managed to distract Eeth Koth long enough with the capture of his daughter to kill him, but not before Eeth managed to drop this epic line:
“I am no Jedi. Not anymore. I am a husband. As of today, a father. And, to protect the ones I love... your doom.”
Tumblr media
Not only did the Inquisitors celebrate his defeat (during which Darth Vader interupted their celebrations by reprimanding their attachment to each other, saying that Eeth Koth’s death should serve as a reminder of the weakness of attachment), but the Emperor himself congratulated Darth Vader for killing Koth, stating that he could’ve caused problems for them later.
Anyways, that’s my rant about Eeth Koth.🤣 In my opinion, he was seriously one of the coolest characters in the Clone Wars era and there’s a reason I chose him to be my OC (Tara Ohvala)’s master. I hope you enjoyed!
Tumblr media
Eeth Koth concept art by Iain McCaig
166 notes · View notes
astralselfships · 4 days ago
Hi ! I love your blog and apreciate you a lot ! Can I request a s/i who gets migranes but they grew up learning that you can't take medicine until it gets really bad ( and that by their parents standards is like NEVER ) so they let it go to a level where moving is extremeling hard, doing things like siting up and down and walking, everything is too loud but they can't stand silence and they get nauseous and their f/o comes to their rescue, please ? Sorry if it's too much, I just really need comfort right now. But if you ignore this it's ok too
Hey anon, thanks for the sweet message!
I am sorry this took so long but I hope you will enjoy if you still want to read this!
I relate to getting terrible, long term migraines, I'm sorry you have to go through this. Do take care of yourself and thank you again ^^
F/O who comes to the rescue with a S/I who has terrible migraines and does not take medicine until it gets worse
🌸 It all starts like this : you get terrible headaches, they progressively get worse and they always come around to stay and make it harder for you. Your daily activities are compromised and your parents' nagging about pills and the importance of NOT taking them never leaves your thoughts. So you suffer in silence and hope for the best while expecting the worst.
🌸 As time passes by, the throbbing paying gets progressively worse and comes along with nausea, hypersensitivity to light and suddenly any noise seems like an immense explosion to you. As you keep your face buried in your hands, a gentle touch on your back distracts you from your unbearable pain.
🌸 It was your F/O, with a worried expression plastered on their face, bringing with them the softest touches and caresses on your back and shoulders. As you stay there basking in their tender treatment, their fingers lightly trace the back of your neck, ultimately going up to your hair and play softly with it as they greet you silently.
🌸 As soon as they heard about you not feeling well and getting those upsetting migraines again, they came to you in a trice. They did ponder on getting some things for you on their way but decided to see you sooner than later and see them what they could get you.
🌸 "I've got you.", they whispered as they picked you up gently and put you in bed, making sure that there is not bright light turned on. They also closed the curtains and brought you the softest blanket.
🌸 Only when they asked why didn't you take a pill for your pain you and didn't say a word did they realize that something is up.
🌸 They made sure to keep the environment around you as comfortable and as calm as possible by whispering only, openig the window ajar to let in fresh air without opening the curtains and staying around you, occasionally caressing your cheeks and massaging your scalp.
🌸 Imagine your F/O bringing you small amounts of caffeinated beverages, water and a handful of healthy snacks to keep you safe and hydrated. If you are feeling too nauseous, they will pass the snacks but they'll keep in mind to give them to you later on.
🌸 If you tell them about your reluctance when it comes to pills, they will opt for temperature therapy instead to soothe your body. Your F/O will bring you hot or cold compresses for your head and neck. If you grimace at the contact, they will softly press a kiss on your temples or forehead as they do so, whispering you comforting words.
🌸 They will try to convince you to get a pill too. Imagine your F/O being so worried and careful with you that they will in fact ask you if you have a preference for a certain pill that contains better substances in order to heal you before making a trip to the pharmacy to get them for you specifically.
🌸 If you wave it off, they will sigh and mumble a "You need to get better soon..". Nagging mode : ACTIVATED.
🌸 They won't pester you with question about your hesitation to take pills but they will make sure to get the best ones and bring them to you, offering to bring a glass of water. There is no way you will feel better soon if you do not take care of yourself.
🌸 They understand the mindset and the fact that you might have been educated like that but they are here to assure you that a pill in such situations does not do any harm, in fact, it's mandatory to make you feel better.
They will softly whisper these to you as they caress your face and explain the times when they felt the same excruciating pains and pills made them feel better.
🌸 When you do accept and take it, they will be the happiest! Your F/O will plant a soft, longing kiss on your forehead and encourage you to take a nap if you feel like it, now that you took a pill for your pain. If not, they will still be there to cuddle you or kiss your pain away if you want them to. <3
🌸 Even if you do feel better, your F/O will make sure that once you can stay on your feet and eat without feeling nauseous, they will prepare a warm bath for you to make you feel relaxed.
🌸 They will always be prepared from now on to combat these as much as possible because seeing you like this crushes them. Even if your F/O is not the type, they will most likely be very observant and keep a migraine diary or a journal to note there the things that they think help the most and the things that might make your migraines bad.
🌸 P. S. They love you a lot so remember that whenever you're in pain or struggling, your F/O is truly worried and will do anything to help you!
49 notes · View notes
christycurlswrites · 10 days ago
I Won't Give Up
Bucky x Reader Soulmate
Warnings: Self Doubt, slight angst, protective Bucky. Fluff and angst in future chapters.
Please do not steal, plagarize or repost my work on any other site. Likes and reblogs make me happy.
I do not have a beta reader. All mistakes are my own.
Summary: Y/N and Bucky are soulmates, bound together. What happens when one cannot remember the other? (I suck at summaries)
Taglist is open for this story! Please let me know what you think!
Dividers by @whimsicalrogers
Tumblr media
Chapter 4
“What am I expected to wear?” Y/n adjusted herself on the couch as she watched television. It had been a quiet afternoon of tv watching as Bucky made sure there were clean sheets on the bed and the room was clean for her to maneuver in. The bathroom in the spare room had left a lot to be desired. It was still too small but it would have to do for a few days.
Bucky shrugged as he put clean clothes in the dresser. “Whatever you are comfortable in.”
“That can’t be right.” She scrunched her nose as she changed the channels. “Tony doesn’t throw casual parties.” She smirked as she continued. “Remember when Nat wanted a low key birthday party? Tony rented out her favorite bar and hired a band for live karaoke?” She stifled a giggle as she continued. “Everyone was forced to dress in their best evening wear and Nat nearly killed Tony because she just wanted a Netflix and chill night with Clint.” She was too busy holding her ribs from the pain of laughter to notice.
Bucky stood in front of the dresser, shock splayed across his face. She remembered. She had remembered Nat’s birthday a few months ago. She was doubled over in laughter on the couch, her hand covering her mouth as she did. That night she had sung a terrible cover of ‘Wanted dead or alive’ by Bon Jovi in a dress that was very uncomfortable and a drink in her hand. Bucky had to carry her home because her feet hurt so much. She had complained that he forgot to bring a pair of slippers for the night.
“Bucky?” Her voice snapped him back. “I’m sorry.” Blinking back to reality he realized he had tears on his cheeks, an ache in his chest. He took a deep breath and cleared his throat, forcing his pain down. “You remembered.” It was all he could think to say.”
“I-I guess I did.” She moved to sit up, hand coming to rub her forehead. “But nothing else is coming.”
Wiping his cheeks, Bucky sat down on the couch in front of her. “It will come back.” He gently removed her hand from her forehead and held it in his own. “These little snippets are perfectly normal. They will come at the most random moments. Some will be full memories, others will be a snapshot. It will bring relief, bursts of happiness and excitement at the images coming back. But it will also bring anger, frustration and disappointment.” He made sure to keep her hand in his. “Your memories will come in time. As much as it sucks to be forced to wait, that is what we will have to do.”
She looked at him with a hopeful smile. “You speak as if you have experience with this.”
Bucky stiffened, nerves threatening to choke him before he eased. “I’m just trying to help. That’s all.”
Tumblr media
She wiggled in the chair as the elevator took them down. Her legging were comfy, her one boot a little tight but bearable. The flowy top made her feel better. The last thing she wanted was something clinging to the scars on her body.
“If you want to leave at any point we can.” Bucky leaned forward, his forearms resting on the handles. “We can have a password.”
Y/N snorted as she adjusted again. “Nah. We don’t need a password.” She breathed as she willed her nerves away. “I’ll be fine.”
Standing to his full height when the doors opened Bucky pushed her into the common room, scanning all the decorations and food. He saw her favorite plates waiting for her, her devil’s food cake sitting on a stand. Thankfully Tony had scaled back immensely as it was just the avengers. No waiters, no straddlers, no excessive amounts of important people. Tony had made sure the decorations were simple, nothing to overwhelm her. Everyone stayed on one side of the room waving awkwardly. They had decided to approach her one by one, each hoping to have a few moments with her. They had not decided who would go first.
“Oh my God!” Y/N leaned back with her hand covering her mouth.
Body stiff, Bucky leaned down to be face to face with her, trying to not bend the metal as he grabbed the armrest. “What?” He whispered. “Do you want to leave?”
“It’s him!” She whisper yelled. “Why didn’t you tell me he was going to be here?!”
Brow wrinkled and nose scrunched Bucky looked to the avengers again. “Who?”
Y/N motioned to the man in question. “Him!” She fought to keep her voice under control. “You didn’t say Sam Wilson- THE Sam Wilson- would be here!”
“Are you serious?” Bucky rolled his eyes. “Birdbrain over there lives here too as an avenger.”
“We live in the same tower as The Falcon?!”
“Did I hear my name?” Sam sauntered over, kneeling down in front of Y/N with a warm smile on his face. “It’s good to see you Y/N.” He took her hands in his. “How are you feeling?”
“I’m better. As- as well as can be expected.” She stuttered, making Bucky scoff. “It’s amazing to see you!” Her smile was genuine as it stretched wider than Bucky had seen since her accident. “Bucky. Can I have a drink please?” She asked.
“Sure.” Bucky stood slowly, watching as Sam and Y/N spoke. Stalking over to the drink station he couldn’t help but feel a hold burn itself in his chest.
“I don’t think I’ve seen Y/N earn a murder glare before.” Steve asked as he stood with his hands in his pockets.
“It’s not for her.” Bucky growled.
“I know.” Steve sighed. “What’s going on Buck?”
Swallowing hard he ran his fingers through his hair. “She doesn’t know who I am. But she recognizes Wilson.” He motioned to Sam as he spoke. “I’m her fucking soulmate!” He spat the last word as if it would burn his mouth.
“How quickly you forget what you had to go through. What I went through when I found you.” Steve looked at Y/N as he spoke. “You had nights where you couldn’t remember your name. Where you reverted to the Winter Soldier and I had to physically restrain you.”
“Yeah I get it Steve.”
“Do you?” Steve looked to Bucky as he spoke. “You, above everyone else in this tower, knows what she is going through. You know what she is feeling.”
“Of course I know what she is going through!” Bucky turned so his whole body was positioned in front of Steve. “I’m trying. I’m fucking trying!” He fought to keep his voice under control. “Forgive me if I have a moment. I’ve been there every day, every single step since the accident and she barely remembers everything about me. But, the moment she sees Sam, she seems to remember everything.”
“I wonder what that feels like.” Steve muttered as he shook his head “You act like she has all her memories back of Sam. The way she is reacting to him is more of a fangirl and not a friend.”
Turning to look at Y/N, Bucky saw the admiration in her eyes as Sam spoke. She seemed to hang onto every word he said, her hands tangled together like her nerves must have been. The last time he had seen her this nervous she had bumped into Keanu Reeves on the street, the same smile on her face then as it was now. “Maybe you are right.”
“I know I’m right.” Steve smirked. “Look I know it’s hard but give her time. She will get better. She is here surrounded by people who love her, people who want to help her.” He leaned in close to Bucky. “I have to ask- when are you going to tell her?”
His stomach dropped as Steve’s question reached his ears. “I’m not ready to have this conversation.”
“You should do it sooner rather than later.” Steve continued as if he didn’t hear Bucky’s response. “Obviously not now but she needs to know. And she needs to hear it from you.”
Rolling his eyes Bucky exhaled his frustration. “I know. I know. I just…” He looked at Y/N as he ran his fingers through his hair. “I need a little more time. She’s too fragile right now.”
“Like I said.” Steve reinforced. “You don’t need to tell her right now. But it has to be you who tells her.”
Gathering her drink Bucky nodded and headed back to Y/N.
“Anyway I’m constantly fixing him.” Sam’s voice reached his ears as he approached.
“Why not have Tony repair him?” Y/N asked.
“Absolutely not!” Sam exclaimed. “Redwing is family. I don’t want Tony putting any sort of upgrade on him and make him unreliable.”
“There you go again talking like Redwing is a real bird.” Bucky sat on the ottoman next to Y/N as he handed her drink to her.
“You’re just mad because Redwing has saved your life a few times.”
Y/N looked at Bucky in shock. “Really?”
Groaning Bucky hung his head. “Once. That stupid robotic bird saved me once.”
“What he means is Redwing saved him multiple times on the same mission.” Sam explained. “He doesn’t want to admit he owes Redwing quite a bit.”
Bucky scowled at Sam but was cut off before he could give his reply.
“Well I’m grateful he saved Bucky.” Y/N spoke up as her hand reached for Bucky’s. “I quite like having Bucky around.” She made sure to look at him as she spoke, giving him a warm smile that made him putty in her hands.
“Well.” Sam smirked as he stood, watching the soulmates have a moment. “I’ll catch up with you later Y/N.”
Tumblr media
“You look so good!” Wanda leaned in for a hug after Y/N gave her permission. She sat across from Y/N, refusing to let her hands go. “How are you feeling?”
‘The question of the day.’ Y/N thought as she offered her response. “I’m better. Thank you for asking.” She looked around the room before she continued. “This is all too much.”
Wanda laughed. “Once you remember who Tony Stark is you will realize this is understated.” She quickly looked at Y/N after realizing what she had said. “I’m- God Y/N I’m so sorry I didn’t mean it like that.”
Waving her off with a smile Y/N spoke. “It’s ok. I know what you meant. I take no offense.”
Bucky watched her as he piled a plate of nachos for her.
“Take it easy.” Natasha spoke from his side, making him jump. “I don’t think she can eat all of that.” She motioned to the huge portion of nachos and cheese piled on the plate.
He set the plate down as he exhaled. “I guess I wasn’t paying attention.”
“Yeah. Steve told me how you reacted to Sam.” Nat kept her voice level as her eyes traveled to Y/N.
“Steve has a big mouth.”
“It comes with being a mother hen.” Nat shrugged as they chuckled together. “She seems ok.”
“Yeah she does.” Bucky picked up another plate, his eyes looking at the food again. He settled on pasta, making sure there was a big portion of shredded cheese on top. “She’s getting there.”
“And you?” Nat inquired.
“Why does everyone want to ask me that?”
“Don’t be dramatic. The only people who have asked are me and Steve.”: Nat waved him off. “Don’t get upset because we care.”
Taking a minute to collect his thoughts Bucky answered. “I’m fine.”
“Yeah I thought you would say that. Well…” Nat tapped his shoulder. “Just make sure you take care of yourself too.” She met Bucky’s questioning gaze. “What I’m saying is don’t get so wrapped up in taking care of Y/N that you forget to take care of yourself.”
“I won’t.” Bucky became defensive in spite of himself. “I’m fine.”
Holding her hands up in defeat Nat scooted towards Y/N without another word.
“Y/N!” She held her hands out as she approached, engulfing Y/N in a hug as soon as she could. “How is my girl?”
Bucky could see the annoyance on her face as the question passed Nat’s lips. He looked at his watch. They had been here for two hours. He made a mental note to give her another two before he pulled her away to leave. He suspected she was getting fed up.
Tumblr media
“Can I join you?” Steve asked as he held a cup of coffee in his hands.
“Only if that is for me.” Y/N smirked her response.
“Oh. I’m sorry. I didn’t thin-” Steve stammered before he was interrupted by Y/N’s laughter. “I can get you one now if you like.”
“Sit down Steve.” She motioned to the ottoman. “I’m just messing with you.”
They sat in silence for a few moments, Y/N looking around secretly hoping something would spark. She looked to Nat, Wanda, Sam and Tony. Nothing. Bucky was deep in conversation with Sam not looking her way.
“It’s all right.” Steve whispered as he leaned close. “To not remember anything right now.” He adjusted the cup in his hands. “These things take time.”
Y/N shrugged, a question popping out of her mouth before she could stop it. “Were we close?” She looked almost afraid to ask the question. “Before my injury I mean. Were we close?”
Swallowing hard Steve shook his head. “Unfortunatley we weren’t. Part of that is My fault.”
“I’m sure some of it was mine.”
Shaking his head again Steve continued. “Bucky has been a huge part of my life. We grew up together, he would finish fights with bullies I started. Hell we served in the army together. Bucky is my family.” He looked down at his cup. “I lost my soulmate years ago. She passed away. We, wrongfully, assumed Bucky never had a soulmate. When he found you-”
“It felt like you were losing him.” Y/N finished. “I’m sorry about your soulmate.”
“Peggy.” Steve breathed. “Her name was Peggy. You don’t have to apologize. It's how things played out. As far as how I treated you.” Steve continued. “It was ridiculous, and I didn’t handle it well, but that’s the truth. Bucky is all I had left as far as family goes.”
Y/N reached over, her hand covering his. “I’m sorry. For whatever I did before to make you think I was taking Bucky away. Can we- can we start over?”
“None of that is your fault. I was projecting my own issues. You were just the perfect excuse.” Steve put his cup down and held onto Y/N. “If you can forgive me I would like to start over too.”
“Good.” She made herself sit up straight, hoping to hide the wincing from her protesting ribs. She held out her hand. “Hi I’m Y/N.”
Smiling wider than he had in a long time Steve took Y/N’s hand and shook. “Nice to meet you Y/N. I’m Steve.”
Tumblr media
“So let me get this straight.” Y/N rubbed her eyes as she tried to work out what Tony had just told her. “You and Bruce created Ultron who then turned insane, got Wanda and her brother Pietro to work with him, they nearly destroyed all of you. Then, in response, you create Vision, then have a whole fight in Sokovia which ended in Pietro’s death?!” She wrinkled her brow at Tony’s nodding head. “Why would you two think to create another android?!”
“To bring down Ultron.” “Who you created.” Y/N argued.
Bucky helped clear the room of food and decorations, looking to Y/N every few moments. He knew she was having a heated debate with Tony. Looking at her now Bucky headed over.
“Hello tall, dark and metal.” Tony greeted. “Your girl is telling me how wrong I was to create Vision.”
“Sounds to me like you should have listened to Steve when he said it.” Bucky shot back as he knelt down to see Y/N. “How are you feeling?” He gently brushed some hair away from her eyes.
“Just peachy.” She tried to keep her voice level but the tiredness was there.
Kissing her forehead Bucky stood up. “Alright.” He unlocked her wheels and started moving her out of the room. He couldn’t help the smile as he saw relief come over her face and a smirk on her lips. “This has been fun. But I am old and tired. We are leaving. Goodnight!”
“Goodnight! And Thank You!” Y/N yelled and waved as she was wheeled into the elevator.
“How did you know I wanted to leave?” She asked once they were safely in the spare room.
Locking her wheels Bucky said “Peachy was our code word. Once one of us said it the other knew it was time to leave.”
“I remembered something else! Two in one day!” She lifted her hand for a high five with excitement on her face.
Bucky laughed as he returned the high five. “See? You are getting there.” He made sure her pajamas were on the bed as he pulled the comforters back. Turning back to her he asked. “Can I pick you up again? Just to get you situated in bed.”
“Yeah.” There was no way she was going to turn down the opportunity to be held again. “Don;t worry. I’ll tell you if you hurt me.”
Gathering her in his arms he held her close to his chest, his arms caging her to him. He took his time, relishing the weight of her. He missed this. Missed being able to touch her when he wanted. Missed holding her close to him at night. Missed the way she could calm his mind with a brush of her lips against his forehead.
He didn’t miss the whimper she tried to hide as he placed her on the bed. “I’ll be back in a few minutes to check on you. I left my things in our room.” He disappeared before she could protest.
When he came back she had changed her shirt. “The leggings I’ll sleep in. The sports bra was a good idea. But.” She motioned at her boot. “I can’t get that one off.”
Bucky immediately knelt down, taking her boot off and adjusting her to lay down, making sure she was comfortable before he took a step back.
“Bucky?” Her voice sounded small, anxiety on her face as she asked. “Can you stay here tonight? Not in the same bed of course but.” She closed her eyes and sucked in her lips before she continued. “Not that I meant it like that-”
“Shhh.” He interrupted, thankful she had asked. He didn’t want to be away from her. Especially on her first night back in the tower. He had wanted to ask but he didn’t want to put her on the spot. “I can sleep on the couch. Just let me gather a blanket and pillow from our room.” He stepped out and was back quicker than she anticipated, making the couch as comfy as possible.
“Thanks Bucky.” She yawned. “Good night.”
He waited until he heard her soft snores before he responded. “Goodnight doll. I love you.”
37 notes · View notes
valehirvas · 14 days ago
I spread the orgs among close groups cause i think proper advocacy is important but, what i still dont get is, Why is it bad to seek to have less autism? For those with severe disability life can be really grim, and those around them will be burdened?
I can’t speak for anybody who isn’t myself, but the thing is, if you take away the autism, you might as well just be pressing delete on my entire personality. This is literally who I am. It’s more than just the difficulties we face because of it, like sensory issues and social difficulties, it’s our speech patterns, our interests, our reactions, emotions, how we express ourselves, what we like, what we don’t like. If you “cure” the autism from an autistic person, you “cure” them from being themselves. To me, that sounds equal to a lobotomy.
I know there’s people who struggle much more than I do, who have many more issues than I do, who maybe can’t function independently to the degree I do (and I’m not entirely independent either, but I’m not sure how much of my dysfunction is autism/disability and how much of it is mental health and trauma), and I can’t say that they wouldn’t want help, but I heavily doubt anybody wants to stop being themselves in the sense that it would come if you took away the autism and replaced it with whatever the hell it would mean for that person to suddenly be neurotypical.
Furthermore, there’s nothing wrong with us in general. It’s okay to be different, to function differently. We had different purposes in a life pre-late stage capitalism that absolutely despises diversity of any kind. We have our unique strengths that make us shine in certain areas; for example, some of us are extremely good artists, artisans, craftsmen. Some of us make excellent watchers, which would have been essential in pre-modern societies. We tend to be able to hyperfocus, gather immense amounts of knowledge about and skill in our special interests, we’re very capable in our own ways, ways that do not need fixing. Everybody has difficulties, the difference is that society doesn’t want to acknowledge or accommodate us so that our lives would be easier to live. We’re traumatised by the repeated reminders that we are wrong and doing everything wrong, and from being forced to conform in ways our brains can’t do, where if we had support and understanding, we’d perform in amazing ways in our own fields and have much, much better lives in general.
You don’t get autism strictly in the binary of high functioning and low functioning. Someone who is non-verbal can still have a fulfilling life full of discovery and joy if they’re let to express themselves in a way that makes sense for them, rather than in a world where they’re forced to be just like everybody else and made to be ashamed and frightened by who they really are. Being just like everybody else isn’t possible for us, but it doesn’t mean we’re wrong for being ourselves. A lot of the time the symptoms of autism bother non-autistic people more than autistic people. We’re literally just being ourselves. To give a small example, I don’t have an issue not looking people in the eye when I’m speaking to them, it’s everybody else who has a problem with that. It’s everybody else for whom that is an issue. I’m also perfectly able to withdraw from a situation that is bad for my sensory sensitivity, it’s everybody else who thinks that’s rude and who think I’m not allowed to set my boundaries. It’s not that I inherently feel guilty or bad for being who I am, it’s society that thinks I’m not allowed to be who I am.
Severe disability is one thing, but autism isn’t strictly one thing or another. We’re all different individuals with different strengths and challenges. Seeking to “cure” us from being ourselves is offensive and frankly threatening and painful: you’re telling me I’m wrong for being myself, for existing in the way that I do. You’re telling me I inconvenience you. I don’t want to not be myself. I want to be accepted as I am.
Look less into how you can unburden the people around us and more into how you can accommodate us and help us be ourselves succesfully. Make space for us in society so that people finally accept that we’re not an inconvenience but an opportunity.
2 notes · View notes
system-invictus-rising · 21 days ago
Patterns and Circles
I've come to realize that a pattern in my relationships has been to cover my hurt in an effort to stop that person from leaving. It is still something that is very present in my relationships. But I think recognizing the pattern is a big step.
In some previous relationships, many that have caused a lot of emotional pain, I learned that if I said I was hurting or, even worse, that the other person had caused me pain, two things would happen:
1) it would end up being my fault
2) that person would leave.
So, naturally, when I clung to those relationships to keep me afloat, it made sense to betray my pain, hide it and pretend it wasn't there at all. But that didn't make it go away. It made it fester and grow until I could no longer ignore and it would burst out all at once - usually in self harm, manipulation, attempts at controlling whatever I could still grasp onto.
Yesterday I took a brave first step I have ever made to addressing pain and hurt bravely in a way that no longer betrays who I am and what I feel. I love that person immensely and, in all honesty, she has set an example for me of how to take the hard steps and do the hard things. I have come to realize that I am a person who craves connection. I crave intimate conversation from people I trust. Above all, I believe that a healthy relationship cannot exist in an environment where both individuals are not able to healthily address pain and uncomfortable feelings. Both most be willing to bring forth and accept the inevitability that each may cause and receive some amount of pain in the relationship. If either person is not able to do so, the dynamics change. The scales tip. One or the other no longer feels safe to express the emotions; they no longer feel heard. At that causes more pain. More pain that you may feel the need to cover and hide because you're afraid of losing that person entirely.
For me, and this particular relationship, I realized that neither of us were in a place where we could be authentic. I think that hurt me more. Not because it isn't okay to not be in that place in every relationship, but because I realize that is what I need. And it is core to who I am as a person. But what shook me even more was that I realized, despite it being a core value, I also am not in a place where I am able to give and receive authenticity from that relationship right now. I had kept telling myself to be open and to just hang on; to wait for that person to be ready - I never had considered the fact that myself and my system wasn't. That doesn't mean that time will never come. I still sincerely hope that it does. It just means we both have a long way to go in healing and addressing hurt that we have both caused and left unaddressed. One day, I hope we will be able to have the hard conversations. Until then, I will work on healing and seeing to what me and my system need.
1 note · View note
vattelaapiglia · 22 days ago
My boyfriend and I aren’t sexually compatible due to his irregular preferences but I still want to continue the relationship
Before I start, I just want to say I have my boyfriend’s permission to post this. I know these are some extremely intimate and personal details and I’d feel like I was violating his privacy by posting it without his knowledge or permission, so rest assured, he is okay with me posting this.
Okay, so I’ve (25f) been dating my boyfriend (24m) for over a year and the relationship we’re in right now is AMAZING. I’ve never met someone who was so considerate of my feelings and so fair and always acknowledged when he did something that hurt me and always took full accountability for when he did something that hurt me even if he didn’t mean to. He’s also extremely funny and adorable and he is very considerate of my feelings, and he’s an extremely positive and optimistic person who sees the best in everything without being naive. Seriously, this guy just radiates happiness and hope everywhere he goes. I really hope that if even the relationship doesn’t work out I can still keep him in my life in some capacity. They say “know your worth” but I seriously didn’t know my worth before dating him. I really do love this guy and I never want to let him go.
However, when we started dating, he had some severe body image problems and an immense amount of negative training due to his parents forcing purity culture among him his entire childhood and teen years. Therefore, we only just recently started comfortably having sex, and it’s clear our sexual preferences are extremely different. He said he was “whatever the level is below a virgin” before we started dating, so we’re both finding out what he likes, and it’s been really interesting because his preferences are extremely unique and nothing at all like anything I’ve even heard of. There are two main factors that are responsible for this:
He has an official mental diagnosis that has to do with thought perception and emotions. Basically, he doesn’t think in words, he thinks in feelings and emotions and because of that, his feelings are about 10x more intense than that of a normal person (like if he’s happy he’s REALLY happy, if he’s sad he’s REALLY sad, if he’s excited he’s REALLY excited, etc.). Because of this, he is an extremely sensitive human being due to the fact that his emotions are so strong and every single decision he makes is fully with his heart. He also says he definitely could not emotionally handle a one night stand with the feelings of being that close to someone and never seeing them again, so he thinks he’s only emotionally capable of being intimate with people who he knows he cares about and vice versa. Therefore, he identifies as demi sexual through and through. To give you an idea of how emotionally invested into sex he is, he actually cried after the first time we had sex because he was so overwhelmed by the emotions of being that close and intimate with me.
He’s got some sensory issue so he doesn’t feel physical feelings nearly as strong as the average person does. Like he’s got an insanely high pain tolerance, but he also doesn’t feel much sexual gratification because of the issue. He’s said “I mean yeah, orgasms feel good, but I can usually get more pleasure out of eating pizza or watching a really good movie or spending time with a loved one.” Squeezing is apparently the only thing that can truly trigger his physical pleasure sensors with another person. So when he’s upset and genuinely needs a hug, we need to squeeze each other pretty hard in order for him to feel the full effect of the hug. Because of this, the only way he can truly feel any sort of real sexual gratification is if we embrace each other really close and squeeze each other pretty hard while we have sex (not the point of pain but definitely pretty hard). He also doesn’t moan while having sex because his body doesn’t feel an overwhelming amount of pleasure that would make him verbally react to it. He’s still fully functional and can keep an erection and climax just like any other guy his age, but the amount of pleasure he feels is much more low key than the average person.
My boyfriend says that because he doesn’t feel the same sense of sexual gratification others do and because he feels his emotions very strongly, he has an “extremely feminine” perception of love and intimacy. Sex appeal doesn’t mean a whole lot to him so he’s not really attracted to “hot,” and is much more attracted to “cute.” He actually showed me some of his pornography interests recently and they were EXTREMELY tame and soft and sensual. In fact some of them didn’t even have sex, they were just videos of naked girls who he thought were cute.
Because of the cranked up emotions and the reduced sexual need, his absolute top priority when we have sex is making sure that I feel good. Like he puts an INSANE amount of effort into the sex just so that it can be pleasurable for me in some sort of way. He also always wants to have sex in a position where he can clearly see my face. It’s a little awkward if I’m being honest, but it really means a lot to him and I do find it really sweet. Also, he’s got some insanely irregular sexual preferences. Like he said he actually prefers handjobs to blowjobs because “the touch is much more personal” and he says that blowjobs do feel good to an extent but they’re kind of uncomfortable and awkward for him. Without the insane pleasure factor, blowjobs essentially just feel like a part of his body is in someone else’s mouth.
When we “make love” it is absolutely wonderful and lovely and it makes me feel loved and cherished in a way I’ve never felt with any of my previous boyfriends. However, that insane amount of effort I mentioned earlier often gets lost in translation when we try to have any other kind of sex. He has an extremely hard time separating his heart from sex and as a result, he doesn’t do well with casual sex or any sex that isn’t a display of love. I like to think I’m a bit more wild in the bedroom than the average girl, and he is clearly much less wild than the average guy. Recently I tried to get him to branch out and he’s always open to trying new things with me, but it doesn’t seem like he and I are on the same page. Here are a few examples:
We tried to do anal, but he was INSANELY gentle and kept asking every eight seconds “does that hurt?” and I kept yelling at him to go harder but he genuinely didn’t want to hurt me so he was insanely slow and gentle. I couldn’t get into it in any way so I just told him to stop.
I told him I wanted him to tie me to the bed and do whatever he wanted to me, so he tied me to the bed and I was saying stuff like “make me yours” and “have your way with me” and “I’m your little slut” but before he could even get on the bed, he just went “I’m sorry, I can’t do this.” and untied me and left the room. He later told me that the thought of even pretending to do anything to me that was against my will was extremely upsetting to him and he absolutely couldn’t bring himself to do it. I do take comfort in this because some of the guys I’ve been with are a little too okay with being rough, but it still was a little irritating in the situation.
Sometimes he tries to stimulate me with his fingers but he keeps asking “does this feel good?” and doesn’t really know what to do if I don’t guide him. If I’m being honest, I love to be dominated in the bedroom and I love it when the guy takes initiative and takes the lead and has his way with me, and my boyfriend is pretty much incapable of doing that because he’s just so gentle and he also needs to be directed due to his inexperience.
I tried to play to his strengths recently. He’s a serious movie buff and he especially loves superhero movies, and he’s been obsessed with the Justice League ever since that 4 hour version came out recently. Because of that, I bought a Superman costume and a Wonder Woman costume and asked if we could role play. He tried but we didn’t get very far into it before he said “Hey, can we go back to being ourselves? You look insanely cute in that Wonder Woman costume so I’d rather have sex with you.” Which I thought was very sweet but it was also pretty frustrating.
As I mentioned earlier, he was a victim of purity culture so we haven’t been able to do some kinds of sex, like he hasn’t been able to perform oral sex on me because he gets VERY anxious, nervous and honestly pretty scared being so close to a vagina. For what it’s worth, he’s not being a baby or a prude, it’s just the way he was conditioned. His parents didn’t tolerate nudity in any way shape or form as he was growing up and they basically taught him everyone needed to hide their bodies and be ashamed of them, so I was literally the first naked girl he had ever seen in “real life” and the poor guy is honestly sometimes still nervous about seeing my naked body due to all the negative training he received as a child, so I won’t hold that against him. However, if he did go down on me I’d imagine I’d be the same with “does that feel good?” every ten seconds.
Recently I tried to take the lead, so we were having sex and I was on top of him and I was going at it pretty hard, and then I heard him giggle. I stopped and asked “what’s so funny?” And he said “nah, just thought of something.” That honestly ruined the entire thing because it was abundantly clear he wasn’t into it and his mind was somewhere else.
All this to say, I don’t think we’re sexually compatible. I find it extremely sweet that he cares about me and my feelings so much and that he clearly holds me in high regard and wants to do his best to make sure I feel good, but to be frank, it’s pretty clear not all of my sexual needs are being taken care of. Also, it’s not even like having sex is his favorite thing to do with me. He gets WAY more out of sleeping next to me. Like he absolutely loves taking naps with me and does absolutely everything he can to make sure we can sleep in the same bed every night even though we don’t live together yet. In fact, he had a birthday recently and I brought him to my bedroom and I told him I’d do anything he wanted, and he just wanted to cuddle the whole day. We did have sex at one point but I almost had to hound him for it.
If there’s anything you should take away from this it’s that my boyfriend is an extremely pure and precious human being whom I love very much. I sincerely want to work this out and even if we can’t fix it, I at least want to learn how to live with it.
What should we do?
submitted by /u/clmjh [link] [comments] source
0 notes
writing-cookie · 28 days ago
Mental Health
“What mental health needs is more sunlight, more condor, and more unashamed conversation.” – Glenn Close.
Trigger warning: mention of s*icide
Tumblr media
[image source:]
They say that our minds are too young to have faced agony, to have faced the world, to have the need of healing. To have an issue with our mental health. But all I think of is the way my loved ones talk about wanting to hide from their pain. So desperate for the relief that we sometimes want to give up on everything we believed in. We get hurt so bad that sometimes we want to hurt ourselves instead. The feeling of having to constantly prove our worth to this world makes us forget what it actually was. But we try. We try hard to stay still in a world that’s always spinning. Mental health awareness talks about these feelings that people have realized about all of us experiencing. It talks about destigmatizing stereotypes and letting people live freely, in their own definition of what happy should look like. Sometimes happy seems an aimless goal too – so we now started asking each other if we are well, if we are okay. That is the closest to a good state of well-being we can reach realistically.
 But sometimes being well needs an immense amount of effort. Mental illnesses affect millions of people worldwide. Its symptoms are termed as laziness. Its result – 800,000 suicides per year – is termed as being ‘too weak’. Its existence is denied and so is the help available for it. As much as therapy has stigmas due to which people refuse to get the help – there are also other factors of its inaccessibility, its denial of class dynamics since it is only reachable by people who can pay the large amounts of money required for it, and oftentimes unfit due to its subjectivity of progress. We start self-care threads, tell our friends that we love them, check up on people that we know to make sure that they’re doing okay, use humor to express ourselves, try to balance our mental and physical needs while still not being good enough. Because it isn’t. It just isn’t good enough sometimes and it drives us crazy. The poems written, the art created, the music crafted are just not good enough to make us hold on. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn’t. And in between those sometimes- we stay stuck, like a bird given enough freedom by letting it fly but only in a cage. We try to find the root cause, the depth of this pain that only increases each year by number and by intensity. I sit in my bed at 2am, googling why am I so damn sad all the time, and all I get are articles talking about the bad influence of social media that has made us ‘weak’ and ‘artificial’. All I get is people blaming the only thing keeping me together, the only thing that had reassured me that it is okay to feel the way I do. The internet. What a laughable excuse, I say. I get angry.  Then all I get pain, pain, pain – so much pain that I don’t know what to do with it. Does everyone feel this way? When they wake up every morning, when they brush their teeth, when they shower, when they eat? This sinking feeling that will swallow me whole if I sit too still? I do not know one person in my life who is content or happy with their lives. I think it only makes us question whether we’re even supposed to be happy in the first place. If not, then why are we expected to?
 The consistent feelings of helplessness, sadness, loneliness and fear has led to people killing themselves which has only increased in the recent years. Today, every forty seconds a person dies by suicide. It is often seen as a choice rather than a disease. Suicide is not an alien concept. Psychiatrists, doctors and psychologists have been researching it for over a century now. People are aware of the concept. The problem is that people often don’t acknowledge the mental illness that a person has, to even think of suicide. People detach the illness from the result it causes. And blame it on technology, of all things. The signs of high-functioning mental illnesses that majority of the teenagers wear are termed as laziness or how our entire generation is weak. They like to blame our phones pretty often, though. This obsession makes me question what mental health looks like to them. Is it a single flower growing in the middle of a garden that only has grass? I think that’s what makes it so strange and impossible to let it grow sometimes.
I wish they’d try to understand, I say. But only to myself. I’m afraid that sometimes we keep watching. I fear that we are already too late.
I wrote a poem about this sometime back:
“They talk about life, telling us how we are responsible for our sorrows. We hear mumblings on how we aren't doing a good enough job in that, either. They talk about freedom while they carve out our vocal cords in a warehouse so we can't scream.  So, we watch. We watch them talk about how free we are. But in a distance, you can hear the wind cry. Bloodshot eyes at 3 a.m. blaming themselves for what they see. In a distance, forgiveness has forgotten its way back home. So we watch. The clocks refuse to tick now, so we try to fix them. If it doesn't work, we throw them away, because they're useless. We do that to people too. The way they sell wilted flowers that were peacefully growing in a garden. And we buy them. We hope to live by the sorrows even though we are reminded of them every second. Sometimes, we can't take it anymore. Sometimes, people take their lives. So, we watch. They shame us. We cry. But what can we possibly do? And so, we watch. Someday, the last prayer on earth will be spoken. Water will not be gentle. The darkness will dwell, slowly, then all at once. We kept watching. We were too late.”
 Sometimes being aware isn’t enough either.
“I was barely a teenager, the first time I tried to kill myself. If I knew then what I know now, well it probably wouldn’t have changed very much. And it probably wouldn’t have changed very much because sometimes it doesn’t matter what you know, what you feel just takes over.” - Why we need to talk about suicide by Mark Henick on TedxTalk.
 And people don't always kill themselves purely because of the things going on inside their heads. Ever since French sociologist Emile Durkheim wrote his ground breaking book Suicide in 1897, psychiatrists and psychologists have recognized the importance of wider social factors, both in causing suicide and in helping to prevent it.
 Until we can build a community that respects and understands us, this will only continue. Until we can make education efficient enough that will realistically help us grow, this will only continue. Until we can make that education as well as helpful therapy accessible to all, this will only continue. Until parents start understanding that their children will experience things are different than what they did, this will only continue. Until we all stop sitting and watching, this will only continue.
 Talk about suicide as what it is – a result caused by an illness.
Talk to your loved ones. Make them realize the good things in life, just in case they have forgotten.
Talk about the toxicity of our education system and help us in taking steps to transform it.
Listen to the generation that you think is too young to feel things and too young to speak their mind. Maybe we just never had the chance of being too young. Maybe this society made us grow up before we ever could.
 With warm regards,
Someone who has lost enough to realize that this was needed to be said.
1 note · View note
chloe-margherita · 28 days ago
Tumblr media
Daily Horoscopes, 4.12.21
Aries: Know where the love flows from, ultimately: not from praise, not from achievement, not from anyone else. Or, it can, but it will turn to ash if the love does not first spring from you. If you come back to your own beauty, you can have a solid foundation for when you step into a public role. This outward face is undergoing a major transition which may feel at odds with your current sense of self. Any inner conflict or disconnect you feel is ok. The more vulnerably you can show up in public, the more your presence, vast and gorgeous, becomes a gift. 
Taurus: Not all knowledge pass through the mind and thank goodness. How often have we prevented our own wisdom by insisting it be understandable in basic, logical terms? Think of the knowledge that is imparted by being near the ocean, vast and terrifying. Think about all that passes through your body as you fall asleep, forgotten by morning but still exerting its pull. I ask you to travel to the edges of your mind, supplicating yourself, and seeing where the powers that be take you. Solitude helps. Consistent study and practice too. You will know it is right when it changes you too. 
Gemini: There’s always so much to do, isn’t there? Even when your tasks and goals are pleasurable pursuits, there can be such a thing as too much business. Take a moment to quiet down. See if there’s an uncomfortable feeling you are avoiding. The difficult things about feelings is that no amount of will can make them go away. They simply ask for our attention. By slowing down, you bring all of yourself with you in the future. How sweet. 
Cancer: You’re allowed to be a lot of different people. There’s who you are in front of others; performing with passionate grace your power and confidence. Then there’s who you are in private, shedding and shedding yourself for another. The latter version of you is undergoing a change which, today, can make you feel like you’re wearing a mask in your public life. But you need not choose one or the other. Just remember that love does not exist without knowing loss. It does not exist without trusting pain. Be sweet to yourself in all versions. 
Leo: Think back over the past decade to how you used to spend your days. I am quite sure that your daily labors have changed immensely over this time but now I ask: what belief currently drives your actions? Do you leave time for deeper discovery or do the mundane tasks cloud your eyes? Remember that not everything needs to be hard for it to be fruitful. You will find great value and enjoyment in pursuing knowledge for knowledge’s sake. Let this quest also help you think deeper about your routine. It is still changing. 
Virgo: Your blessings may be feeling more external lately. Perhaps trust has been gained. Perhaps gifts have be given. But it is hard to find the line between pleasure and the wound that lies beneath it. Take time to mourn all the love you weren’t given but that you still deserved. Let your creative practice be a channel for going new places with your shadow. Notice when the resources of others are helpful and when you must dig deep into your own internal root system. Trust your judgment, even through the “mistakes”. 
Libra: There is plenty of beauty to be found in meeting the other. While independence should still be prioritized, you are very able to find what you’re looking for from those you bring closer. But you also may be more inward than you would like. Hurts that don’t have names may be arising and turning your attention to private matters. This may take away social energy. You can have both, dear Libra, but if you refuse one you refuse the growth of the other. People don’t need you to always be sweet. They need you to be fully present. 
Scorpio: Let you work be sweet if it be anything at all. Let it be guided by what you like or else consider how you can defend your pleasure in the face of unrealistic standards of productivity. Know you have power that no one can touch, and you can access it every day. See how the very mundane details of your life add up to a daily practice of attending and devoting yourself to your deepest parts. This may mean slowing down. This may mean not always feeling good. But this threading of the depths into your daily life is not frivolous. It is your birthright. 
Sagittarius: You may feel sensitive about your resources today. They may feel too sparse for your liking or your confidence may be shaken. But trust the part of you that wants to create, just for the sake of it. Who are you to judge what the muses give you? Can you see a value in your joy beyond usefulness or dollar amounts? See money as a tool that helps you achieve your intended aims. See how you can spend it in a way that enhances your desires. 
Capricorn: The solution to your ills today is simple: go home. Take some time away. Call your mom. Do whatever you need to do to come back to your private self, for that is where intimacy and comfort lies. But don’t let this ease turn you away from your tasks. You are changing in mysterious ways. It may be uncomfortable, these growing pains. But you have the sole power to turn towards or away from the process. How will you steer your ship? What can going towards the darkness teach you?
Aquarius: Imagine your changes like a dream; distant, potent, mysterious in their processes. You may not have time to analyze these dreams as mundane activity and interactions take on the focus of your day. Use these tasks as a way to remember why we go to the dark places in the first place. Notice the wisdom that floats into your life through normal conversations, or what thoughts seem to occur to you out of nowhere. Let these noticings help you return to the meaning of the inbetween. 
Pisces: You are never obligated to put work into an outdated dream. You are allowed to change your mind. This process is still uncomfortable, however, because we become attached to certain visions of our lives. But trust that your value transcends any outward trappings or appearances. As you struggle with your future shifting, come back to what is important to you and helps you feel like yourself. This can be a certain activity or belief or object. Remember the sweetness that is presently available and let that dictate your future actions. 
7 notes · View notes
blastofhealth · 28 days ago
brief intro/update:
brief intro:
My name is Ashley. I'm a derp just trying to improve my health both physically and mentally. I've been overweight/obese for all of my adult life. I'm 5'9. At my highest weight I was 345 lbs. I'm now currently 274.3 lbs. At this time I want to get down to around 200 lbs and go from there.
I have ongoing physical and mental health struggles that I battle with on the regular. These include daily headaches, tmj, fatigue, chronic sinus problems, anxiety, depression, trichotillomania, etc.
I work as an early childhood educator. I'm a lead teacher for multiple preschool aged classrooms. It can be quite exhausting, but I adore my work and find it immensely rewarding.
I have a lovely husband named Steven. We've been married a little over a year now and together for over three. I have a large pet family consisting of a dog (Artie), three cats (Sawyer, Hades, & Persephone), and five hamsters (Doodles, Doughnut, Nimue, Guinevere, & Brambles). My list of fandom interests is eclectic and lengthy so I will spare everyone from that.
life update:
physical health: My eating habits have been a rollercoaster the past few months. Lots of ups and downs. I haven't lost a substantial amount of weight in a couple of months. I am pleased that I haven't seemed to gain anything. I am down a bit from my last official weigh in. I've seen several of my doctors and have tried some new treatments to address my chronic/daily headaches. I tried physical therapy for 6 weeks to address my neck pain, which could be a factor. The pt did help reduce my neck pain slightly, no difference in my headache pain/frequency. Everything I was doing there I can apply at home, so I'm going to take what I learned and apply it. I can't keep affording to go when it is $120 a week, the slight neck pain relief pay off isn't worth it. My neurologist increased my dose of aimovig as my prevention medication, no difference. I go back in May. The next thing they want to try is Botox. Physical health is unfortunately still steadily the same.
mental health: Antidepressants were increased and I was prescribed a medication for sleep. But I've been having an increasingly challenging time dealing with chronic pain.
personal: I got another hamster, which is Brambles. She is a sweet skittish girl. Been working on trying to tame here/get her more comfortable with me. I also rescued a cat (Persephone) off the street. Turns out she is prego. We're expecting kittens any day now.
work: There has been several changes at work lately. I was put in charge of additional classrooms, which has added on to my list of responsibilities. One of the rooms isn't open yet and needs an overhaul of work done to it.
I’m generally an open book so don’t hesitate to reach out with questions or if you need some support. I’m happy to help if I can.
1 note · View note
torontoschampions · 29 days ago
hmm arsenal or flyers? which will cause me the least amount of immense pain? rip them both i hope they do well lmaoo
also suggestion for yearbook quote: 'tested positive for missing the homies' -joel 'toothless' farabee
well they’re both playing bottom of the table teams, which means those teams will put up absolutely heroic efforts and both flyers/arsenal will find zero offence 💕💐 u love to see it
KSHDKDKDD my brother said to put “you’ll never walk alone” what am I a Liverpool fan 😭
0 notes
papers4me · a month ago
I am immensely disappointed by the OP and ED for reasons you stated. I don't understand what the heck they were thinking. There has been speculation that the final season will be only 13 eps which is NOT enough to cover the rest of the manga (would need about 22 eps). If that happens they'll be cutting lots of necessary things just when it's needed most. The new OP and ED have a 'final cour' (the ED art is by the manga author) feel to them so it makes me worried.
hmmm.. So, it is options (2) & (3) of my speculations of why they chose such ED & OP in my previous post. if it is indeed 13 eps & so much is still to be addressed then, it might be true that the OP & ED are a continuation of an open ending of sorts, of what will be left & NOT covered. The the ED & OP are the story’s ending shown, so you make your peace with the chunks of the story that will be left out. Kinda like, “hey, I know a lot is missing, but look they’re happy, buy the manga to know the details! $$$”
Looking at it, the past two seasons only few issues were explored or resolved. se01 is mainly characters introduction. Nothing more. Se02 is mainly yuki’s arc with minor exploration of ( 1 ep per character to) : kyo, Isuzu, akito, shigure & kureno. As for Aya, Hatori, Ritsu, Haru, Hiro & kisa they seem overly done & fine. Momiji, nothing is explored much as he seems at peace with his own issues & it depends on where they wanna take his character. Tohru has the least amount of exploration. I think they’ll give her more attention in se03.
So, se03 is where the meat at. Where the story will dive into lion’s den! End the curse, resolve tohru’s , akito, kyo, shigure, & whoever needs resolving & set the romantic couples. it is the most important part of furuba. 13 eps could be fine if the remaining manga content can be skipped without watering the story, or leaving unanswered plot holes, but I think the production team are aware they cant do that, so they’re compensating with sweet lovey dovey images that blatantly tells you how the ending will be, so you quickly accept the content that are covered & forgive the ones that aren’t, or go to the manga to read more if you wanna.
Also, it explains the huge dramatized & over exaggerating characters like tohru & akito. They don’t have much time to build up their trauma, so they think they can accelerate things by overly dramatic facial expressions & flying?. Quickly viewer-san understand they’re in pain. feel! feeeeeel! lol. sad, cuz they can really make us feel tohru & akito’s pain with just the right music & the right facial expressions. Afterall, kyo’s pain was so beautifully conveyed in one ep, se02, ep9. But I get the rush. The director is not confident with what he is left with, I suppose. oh well~again, it is what it is.
 They can make 13 eps work amazingly tho. It all depends on what they chose to skip. What character they chose to focus on. Now, they can’t afford to give extra time to yuki’s fan club, or Arisa/ Hana depth, or more lovey kisa/ hiro or Aya/ Mine. As much as I love them, They need to focus on the story now. Just take the meat  of the story & properly & calmly show it. Leave the spices to a more relaxed adaptation. I can’t say I trust the flying enthusiastic director, but perhaps it is not his call. The production board is where things at.
My guess, this entire anime is not a stand alone mediaum. It is a promotion of the manga, so they’ll take one flower from each field. Se03 will quickly visit each character lightly, as the ED showed. Leaving the meat for the manga. So all individual characters fans will be happy. The story is in the manga. If this turns out to be true then wow! it sucks for me! XD. but I’m not gona waste time worrying, I’ll join the anime’s ride as long as I can & as long as I find it appealing! so far, it is appealing even with the exposed ending. There’s still kyoko’s words ( thank God they didn’t spoil that, otherwise I’d dropped the show!!), tohru’s grief & childhood trauma with her mom closing the door!!! kyo’s guilt & confession he knew kyoko!! Akito’s trauma. so yeah~there are things not spoiled yet! =D
thank you for the ask~I really enjoy having such conversations that look at art, books, anime, shows with love & adoration yet is able to respectfully express disappointment or dissatisfaction. It is okay as nothing is perfect~
love & respect as always <3
4 notes · View notes
storiesofsvu · a month ago
The Marine‘s Girl Ch 12
Tumblr media
Abigail Borin xFem!reader Warnings; language, ptsd, nightmares, triggers, anxiety/panic attacks, minor angst
It had been roughly over a month since you and Abi had come into each other’s lives. You were back to the regular schedule of spending time at each other’s apartments and weekly dates, though this time you didn’t have to hide away. You were able to share your love out in public, and not have to worry about either of your work lives cutting into your relationship. You had started taking less OR time to work more cases with NCIS, happily discovering that little found family. While Abi’s work life only crossed into NCIS every once in a while, you did work a few cases together, and the team knew about your relationship. Abi also found herself shooting off a quick call or text to you whenever she had a medical question rather than wait for a response from someone working with CGIS.
What seemed like the only disadvantage was that adding in a couple of other things into your daily schedule seemed to be draining you. Gibbs had left you in a conference room working through some files to put together a report for the team, it was only minutes after he left that your eyelids started to feel even heavier than before. You were completely out, head in your arms by the time he got back.
He sighed lightly, he couldn’t exactly reprimand you, he wasn’t your superior, and he’d noticed the bags under your eyes earlier, offering to pick this up later. He placed the coffees down on the table and you twitched slightly.
“Hey..Summers.” He nudged at your chair, gently shaking you, “Summers.” His voice raised at the second mention of your name and you jumped, a gasp escaping your lips as you woke. Your heart started to race and he could see the sudden panic in your eyes as they darted around the room, your chest heaving. “Hey!” He quickly crouched in front of your chair, his hands grasping your shoulders, grounding you, pulling you back to reality, “hey…y/n…it’s okay. You’re in Washington, you’re safe. It’s just me…it’s Gibbs.”
Slowly, you blinked, your body sinking in on itself as you focussed on regaining your breath. Once he was sure you were back in the real world, he backed into a chair beside you, remaining facing you.
“Fuck…” you muttered, glancing up at him, wariness in your eyes, “thanks.”
“No worries.” He sipped at his coffee, “I know the feeling all too well.”
“Sorry…” you grimaced at the thought of having fallen asleep while at work, “I just haven’t been getting a lot of sleep recently. It seems it’s always worse at night, doesn’t help that the nightmares are back in full force.” With shaking hands you picked up the coffee cup, fiddling with the lid to try to avoid his gaze.
“They didn’t give you meds for that?”
“I uh..” you looked up at him, wary of talking about the subject. But you could tell just by the softness of his eyes that this was off the record, and completely confidential. “My doctor took me off them last year. Said he’d seen enough improvement. I dunno why they’ve started up again.”
“Maybe we should rethink you working so closely on some of these cases.” He offered and you shook your head,
“No. Trust me, being in the hospital gives me more anxiety most days.”
“Something’s triggering you, or they’d be just a one off, not all the time.” He sighed heavily, leaning back in his chair. “I couldn’t even use the same aftershave when I came home.”
“Trust me…I’ve swapped out all toiletries. Don’t even use the same toothpaste. Hell, I barely eat McDonald’s anymore. Guess that’s an upside.” You shrugged and Gibbs raised a brow.
“Yeah.” You huffed out a laugh, “there was one beside the hospital, cheeseburgers became this weird comfort for me and Abs.”
“You know…” he started cautiously, “you’ve been spending a lot of time with Borin…” your head shot up, an instant blurring of tears in your eyes at the thought, your heart rate quickening for an entirely different reason. Your voice shook as you quietly spoke into the room,
“Gibbs…don’t say that…”
“Triggers come in all shapes and sizes.” He frowned as he spoke.
“I just got her back…I can’t lose her now.”
“I don’t know what went on between the two of you over there,” he noticed the way you nearly immediately clammed up, “and I don’t need to.” He quickly assured, “but I can assume it wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows. Having her pop back up in your life so suddenly might have a negative effect on you.”
“I know…” you admitted, letting out a weary sigh, “I just didn’t want to believe it.”
“Does she know what happened to you over there?”
“Bare minimum.”
“You should talk to her you know. It’ll help. And if you don’t want to be that open because she’s your partner, talk to one of us about it. Ziva served too, we understand what you’re going through. Maybe think about going back on whatever meds they had you on, can’t have you fallin’ asleep on the job again.” He teased, earning a watery laugh from you.
“Hey boss”- DiNozzo suddenly cut in as he barrelled through the door, he stopped suddenly at the sight of your watery eyes, “woah, what’s going on? Did Borin fuck up? Cause as terrified of her as I am, and as much as I know she’d win I can still try and kick her ass.” Gibbs rolled his eyes and you barked out a laugh,
“Tony she’d have you on your ass in less than a second.” You laughed, “I’m fine, Abi’s fine, I’m just…tired…” Gibbs clapped you on the shoulder,
“Why don’t you get outta here, try and get some rest. I’ll call if we need anything.”
You gave the two men a small smile as you packed up your things, teasing Tony on your way out, but quietly thanking him for the knowledge that he had your back. Once outside of the NCIS building, you begrudgingly headed back to the hospital, having to swap out bags and pick up a couple of things from your locker there. You texted Abi while doing so, and she told you to let yourself into her apartment, and to definitely not worry about dinner, she’d pick something up on the way.
The sound of Abi’s keys in the door shook you from your nap, you’d been thankful to have a couple of hours of peace on her couch. Pushing up, you looked over the back of it, giving her a sleepy smile as she kicked off her shoes and came into the apartment.
“Hey baby.” She greeted softly, “how was your day?”
“Fine.” You smiled, “better now.” You noticed the bag in her hand, “what’cha get for dinner?”
“Thought I’d throw it back a little, got some cheeseburgers.” Smiling, she passed you the bag, dropping a kiss to your head. “I’m gonna go change, feel free to dig in.”
You then realized the bag in your hand was from McDonald’s and you couldn’t possibly believe the irony in your talk with Gibbs earlier. But you figured you’d try, pulling everything out of the bag as you waited for Abi to come back to the living room.
She returned less than a moment later, softly kissing you, smiling against your lips before she dropped into the couch. You easily curled into each other’s arms as you caught up on t.v and started to eat, you picked at the fries, only taking a bite or two of the burger before she commented on it. You simply mumbled that you weren’t really hungry, that you were tired more than anything. Abi could tell you weren’t feeling great, whether that was emotional or physical she wasn’t sure, but she wanted you to feel better.
So she helped you get ready for bed, kissing your back softly as you brushed your teeth, her hands rubbing at your arms. As you got into bed, she popped her usual sleeping pill as your hands dug through your bag, becoming more frantic as they went, she grabbed at your wrist, pausing your movements. She asked if you were okay and you sighed out heavily, mentioning that you’d swapped your bags out at the hospital. Accidentally, you’d left the one with the meds you were still on (Ativan to start, among a couple of others) in your locker. She asked if you wanted one of hers and you said that sounded like a horrible, and very illegal idea, you’d be fine. Abi cupped your cheek softly, searching your eyes for any amount of hesitation before she agreed, kissing you gently. You did accept the melatonin, letting it dissolve under your tongue as you curled against her body, humming at the way she began to play with her hair.
Abi’s bedroom window was barely cracked, the sudden blaring of a siren rousing into your subconscious, your heart rate started to pick up before you even woke up. A jolt shooting through you as your eyes wrenched open, your chest was heaving, your eyes blurry with sleep and your skin absolutely burning. You felt like you couldn’t breathe, coughing a few times before you threw the blankets off you, the back of your mind thankful that Abi had taken a sleeping pill and thus dead asleep. You stumbled through the bedroom, still coughing heavily, even out of the bed you body was absolutely on fire, you felt immense pain in your side, your knee, among other places, practically sobbing when you tugged the bedroom door shut behind you as you entered the hallway. You felt like you were about to pass out, ever single wail of a siren echoing through your brain pulled you back into that panic moment, you choked back your cries, your eyes still blurring, your entire body vibrating. Your coughing became even more insistent, feeling like you couldn’t breathe, you were suffocating on smoke that didn’t exist, even if you didn’t realize it in the moment. Everything was about to go black when a cold rush of air hit your face and you slowly, slowly, started to come to.
Despite the sleeping pill, Abi was aware of the absence of warmth at her side, she rolled over, trying to catch your body to pull it against her. She frowned in her sleep, hand patting around the bed, an eye cracked open, looking towards the en suite but there was no sign of you in there. She grumbled, pushing herself up as she glanced around the room, it wasn’t strange for either of you to wake up in the middle of the night, so this was nothing new. Padding through the room, she pulled on a sweatshirt to combat the chilly air coursing through the apartment.
“Babe?” She called out to no answer as she moved through her home.
There wasn’t a single light on, and she started to think that you’d left. It was only when a heavy gust of wind came through the window in the living room, the one leading to the fire escape that she realized she hadn’t left it open. Her eyes glanced down to the doormat, your shoes were still there, your coat still on the hanger. She immediately started to worry, quickly scrambling through the window and making her way up the stairs until she was on the roof. Abi let out an incredibly heavy breath at the sight of you curled up on a cushion, your knees pulled up to your chest, clad only in your pyjamas. Your eyes were heavily trained on the horizon, as if you weren’t really in your own head right now.
“Y/n?” She asked softly, not wanting to spook you as she approached. Thankful when your head turned to face her.
“Abs?” Your voice shook, “fuck, I’m sorry….I didn’t mean to wake you up. I…I tried to be quiet…”
“It’s freezing up here. How are you not cold?”
“Hard to feel cold when you wake up in the middle of a fire.” You muttered and her heart clenched, slowly moving towards you.
“Is…it okay if I sit?”
“Yeah…” you nodded, wiping away a tear. “I really didn’t mean to freak you out, I just…the cold helps the panic…especially after…”
“The bombing?”
“Yeah…” you choked back a cry, “I’m sorry.”
“You don’t need to apologize.” Abi spoke softly, slowly dropping beside you, a hand very gently coming to your shoulder, letting you adjust to the feel of it against your skin before she started to rub circles against you. “You’re still having nightmares?”
“I wasn’t…” you sniffled, “I was totally okay, but I got off my meds last year….they didn’t start up again until a month or so ago.”
“You know why?” She asked and you paused, unable to meet her eye, knowing exactly what the answer was.
“I wish I didn’t….” you managed to look up to her, your hand circling into hers, “Gibbs…Gibbs thinks its you…” Abi stared in disbelief, and you could see the absolute pain in her eyes, “ me..I don’t want to agree with that. Abs, I love you. I really do, and I want nothing more than to be with you. But…it all falls into place.” You choked back another sob, “I was off the meds and totally fine until we crossed paths again.”
“I love you too baby.” She softly kissed at your temple, “lets talk about this…what actually happened over there…stop avoiding the subject with me, you know I’ll understand it more than anyone, right?”
“I know…I just..I don’t want to lose you.”
“You wont sweetheart.” She slowly leant in, kissing your cheek, “the only thing that’ll make me walk away is you wanting me to. Understood?”
“But..what if it is you being back in my life that’s triggering this?” You looked up at her with teary eyes, “as much as I love you with my whole heart…I can’t be reliving these memories every night.”
“I know…” her voice cracked as her arm tentatively wrapped around you, “so…can we start by talking?”
“I guess…” you sniffled, wiping away a stray tear as you took a heavy breath, “fuck….”
Your voice shuddered as you brought yourself back to that day, but tried to stay calm about it,
“no one saw it coming, no one knew it was coming…” tears started to streak down your cheeks and Abi securely wrapped her arm around you, the other one squeezing at your arm, “we just knew shit was going down, that we had to try and save them. I…was on the way back up from the O.R, we’d spent something like eleven hours saving a soldier, fighting the entire time to make sure they lived.” You choked out a cry, the panic shooting through you again, the only grounding being the cool air on your face and the arm Abi had against you, you dared a glance up at her, thankful that the look she had was supportive, and not one painting you as a victim. “We were up a floor..just out of the elevator when the first blast hit. It..killed the patient immediately…….what was the point? We spent so long trying to save him just for him to die anyways?” You looked up at Abi, tears streaking down your face.
Her hand cupped your cheek, wiping away the tears as you cried against her.
“The first blast….it shot us all apart…knocked the wind out of me. It was when I went to check on the patient the second blast hit.” You took a shuddering breath, avoiding Abi’s gaze as your breath caught in your throat. Abi’s arm tightened around you, reminding you that she was there, “it shot me back again….that’s when the shrapnel hit. Pieces of the bed, the walls, I’m not even sure…I….I just remember being in immense pain, and the fire..being so hot, and smoke. I couldn’t breathe. We needed to save the patients but we couldn’t.” Your words choked into a sob, collapsing over yourself and Abi’s heart shattered. “Part of my scrubs melted into my side, the burns are still there. I tried to help as many people as I could, I wanted to, I needed to but my leg…I could barely walk.”
“None of that is your fault.” Abi murmured, pressing a very gently kiss to your head.
“I was there to help people.” You cried, turning to face her.
“But you needed help yourself.” She replied ever so softly, her hand stroking your cheek, “I know you hate it, but you were a patient in that point.”
“I know…” you mumbled, “but how many lives were lost cause I couldn’t help? How many people could’ve been saved?” You sobbed into her chest, letting her hand soothingly stroke against your hair.
“Hey….hey…stop thinking like that okay?” She kissed your head gently. “You did everything you could. Doctor or not, you should never have been in that position. You wanted to save lives.” Her lips met you head again, “I am so, so sorry that you had to live through that. All of me wishes you had left before the bombing.”
“Me too.” You whimpered. Silence took over the rooftop as you silently cried out the rest of your pain into Abi’s chest. She held you close, tears brimming in her own eyes as her hands rubbed against your back, wishing and praying that this would never happen again. She loved you, she wanted a future with you, but she also understood the other side of things. It felt like she had been trapped in her own thoughts for hours by the time you spoke again, voice quietly shaking into the night air. “What now?” Your head twisted, looking up at Abi.
“We figure it out.” she kissed you softly, “I’ll always support you. I’ll always be your friend. I want you to have the best life you can, I want you to not have nightmares anymore, to move on from that trauma. Even…if it means that future isn’t with me.”
“What if I don’t want that?”
“What if it’s what you need?”
“I don’t want to lose you.” You choked out, the tears increasing over your cheeks. “I know the nightmares are probably back because of you, that your being part of my life again makes my brain think it’s in danger, but I hate it…
“Okay…” Abi sighed, “come back downstairs. We can talk more in the morning.”
“Okay.” You sniffled, swiping away a few tears “…do you still love me?”
“Oh sweetheart…I always will…”
“Even if we can’t work this out?”
“Of course.”
___________ Taglist:@charabs @bisexualcrowley @dereksprentiss @natasha-danvers @ineedafinghug @veteranwerewolf95 @billiedeannovak @stardust-galaxies @laurenhope13 @randomthingssss @vivis-ghost-wife @imlike-so-gaydude @wannabe-fic-reader @gaylorrds @infiniteoddball @thatesqcrush @altsvu @disneyfan624 @svulife-rl @svushots @gay-ass-bitch @lesbianspacecowboy @delphineecormierr @venablemayfairgoode @whimsicallymad @mysticfalls01 @oliviaswifey @thatgaygiraffesquirrelgirl @cloudymd @swimmingstudentchaos891
35 notes · View notes
quackquackrubberduck · a month ago
Friday: Sparks
note: wrapping it up today with part five of ‘A week with Chris’. This was so much fun, thanks to everyone who followed along :) enjoy the fluff
(you can find the other parts here)
words: 1.6 k (this is definitely not drabble-sized anymore but I couldn’t help myself)
warnings: swearing
Tumblr media
(Thursday, 7:11 pm)
Hey there, here are the pictures I took today, I figured you’d want them. CC
(attached: 23 images)
(Thursday, 7:13)
I almost forgot, meet me at 47-01 111th Street (that’s in Queens) tomorrow at 11 am. CC
(Thursday, 7:38)
By the way, I had a wonderful time today. Have a good night, Y/N. Chris
On the subway ride to Queens, you re-read the messages Chris had sent you last night. The fact that he wrote you another one just to tell you that he enjoyed spending time with you made you immensely happy, and you could see the reflection of your silly grin in the subway window.
You were nervous about today, even more so than the times before. You felt like something had shifted between the two of you in the park yesterday, and you weren’t sure in which direction you were moving with Chris. There was an undeniable spark between the two of you, but he was still very much your boss.
The speaker announced the arrival at your destination, and with a sight, you got up from your seat. You would just roll with it, you thought, and deal with things as they developed.
Like the days before, Chris was already there and waiting for you.
“Morning.” You greeted him. “No coffee today?”
“It’s already 11, I assumed by now you’d be awake enough to tackle today without caffeine.” He replied with a smirk.
“That totally depends on your plans. Spill, what are we doing today?”
“This is my favorite place in the whole city.” Chris said. “The New York City Science Hall, it’s something like an interactive museum, they have exhibitions rooms and a cinema, it’s great.”
“Sounds fun, I’m in.”
“Chris, why are there so many children in here?”
You looked around the entrance hall of the museum with a puzzled look on your face, surrounded by what looked like an entire elementary school, all babbling and laughing. They were creating such an immense amount of background noise that you had to raise your voice to talk to Chris.
“Oh, a lot of the stuff here is intended for children, to teach them about science.” He replied with a grin “But it’s fun for everyone. Lighten up a bit, Y/N.”
“But why exactly is this your favorite spot in town?” you asked, eying the noisy kids around you warily.
Chris face got serious.
“My father used to take me here when I was a child. I grew up in the neighborhood down the street, and some of my best memories are from here, especially with him.”
You felt a pang of guilt in your chest at hearing how quiet Chris voice had become.
Of course you were aware about his father and how much he meant to him, and now you felt like a fool for talking about the place with that kind of disregard. Pulling yourself together, you gave Chris your most convincing smile and linked his arm with yours.
“Let’s make some new memories then. Come on, old man, I want to learn something.”
“Ouch, god damnit.” you cursed, holding your hand in pain. You were trying to light a fire the stone-age way in one of the interactive exhibit rooms, and a spark had burnt your finger.
“Excuse me, ma’am, could you watch your language, there are children present.” one of the guards called your way, and you got beet red when a lot of small heads turned to you.
Chris snickered beside you. “Yes, Y/N, watch your mouth around the kids.” He whispered.
“Shut up, Cuomo. There shouldn’t even be kids here, this is super dangerous. Also I wouldn’t joke if I were you. You look ridiculous.” He really did, his massive frame was crouched in front of small the fireplace, looking even larger between all the children, and there were smashes of ash all over his shirt.
“You’re only jealous that my fire is already burning.” He grinned. You only flipped him the bird in return.
Despite your earlier skepticism, you were having a great time. After several futile attempts of lighting a fire, you dragged Chris to see movie about space in the museums 3D cinema. You sat close enough for your knees to touch occasionally, and at some point, you were deliberately brushing your leg against his, smiling to yourself when he didn’t move away.
At first, you had been embarrassed about revealing your childish, overly excited side to Chris, but he showed zero judgement, acting silly and goofing around with you in a way you never thought was possible for such a serious person. The hours flew by while you were doing every activity the museum had to offer, and it was already late afternoon by the time you made your way towards the exit.
“Look, Chris, they have a photo booth.”
“Dear God, not again.” Chris groaned beside you, but you had already grabbed his sleeve and dragged him towards the box, basically pushing him inside.
“This won’t work.” You complained. “Its way to narrow in here, and you are too big.”
“Easy.” Chris grinned, sitting down on the small bench and pulled you to sit on his knee. Your mind was going into overdrive at being so close to him, and when he said “Smile!” and the flash announced the first picture being taken, you were still looking slightly bewildered.
“Quick, pose!” Chris whispered, and you just stuck out your tongue at the camera.
Suddenly, a huge arm got wrapped around you, pulling you close to the body beside you. You and Chris were basically cheek to cheek now, and you could feel your face burning up.
A sudden surge of boldness went through you, and you turned your head, pressing your lips to Chris cheek just as the last picture was taken.
Instantly, you became embarrassed, why had you done this? You bolted out of the booth, muttering “I need to use the toilet, be right back.”
In the restroom, you splashed cold water on your face until the flush disappeared, then braced yourself to face Chris again. He was standing next to the booth, holding the pictures you had just taken.
“We look cute.” He grinned, and you felt incredibly relieved about the lack of awkwardness. Appaerently, he didn’t mind the peck on the cheek.
“We really do.” You replied, and your heart sped up as he gave you a brilliant smile.
“So, to round up your perfect Cuomo week, I have another surprise planed. My car is just around the corner, let’s go.”
Chris drove you back to Manhattan and parked his car in the garage of a huge apartment building on the Upper West Side. Your mind was reeling, was he taking you to his place?
You were too nervous to ask, riding the elevator with Chris in silence. You went all the way up, almost to the top floor.
“This one’s mine.” Chris announced as you stopped in front of a door at the end of the hallway.
You entered the apartment, and your jaw almost hit the floor.
“This is where you live?”
It was gorgeous, a huge, open space, illuminated by the golden light of the setting sun. The floorlenght windows offered an amazing view of the Manhattan skyline.
“Wow, I’m definitely jealous.” You joked, still a bit overwhelmed by the place.
“Uhm, if you’d like to, the terrace is a pretty good place to watch the sunset.” Chris said, rubbing his neck almost as if he was nervous.
“I love sunsets.” You said, following Chris to the glass door that led to the outdoor space. He was right, the view was amazing, beams of orange light reflected by the countless glass facades around you.
Chris cleared his throat next to you, and you teared your eyes away from the sky to look at him.
“This week has been great, Y/N, I’m really glad you agreed to doing all this stuff with me, and I really hope you enjoyed it as much as I did .” His voice was oddly emotional, his eyes never leaving yours.
“I had the best time, Chris, and I can’t thank you enough for all the effort and time you put into everything. I loved every moment.” you replied, returning his look with a soft smile.
Slowly, his hand reached out, brushing against your arm before cupping your cheek. You held your breath, unable to move a muscle, your heart beating incredibly fast.
Like in slow motion, he lowered his head, his face coming closer and closer until his lips finally settled onto yours. It was a feather light touch, almost shy in a way you hadn’t expected from your usually brusque boss.
You returned the kiss, softly moving your lips against his, you hand reaching out to intertwine your fingers with his.
“This was so fucking cheesy.” You whispered after breaking the kiss, trying to calm your racing pulse a bit.
“Yeah, but it worked, didn’t it?” Chris replied with a small chuckle.
“I wanted to do this since Tuesday.” He continued, voice more serious now.
“That’s funny, me too.” you responded, still sounding slightly breathy. Your heart was almost jumping out of your chest, was this really happening?
“We should do it again then.” Chris murmured, leaning down to capture your lips once more.
The sun had disappeared behind the horizon, the chilly air making you shiver.
“You’re cold.” Chris noted, wrapping his arm around you. “Let’s get you inside. I’m making dinner.”
You snuggled up to him, thinking that maybe you should write a thank-you note to the CNN bosses for giving you the week off.
The end (I think)
15 notes · View notes
plasticnightmaredoll · a month ago
Tumblr media
I thought I'd make some comments about the first episode of "The Falcon and the Winter Soldier," kind of in the same way I made a post about my thoughts on the "WandaVision" season finale. I don't plan on doing a post with my thoughts, opinions, and theories for EVERY episode of TFatWS because a) I don't have that kind of time or patience, b) Things are probably going to change left and right as the series progresses, just like in "WandaVision" so I don't see a need to document all of this, c) I ramble enough as it is lol
Of course, there are spoilers under the cut, so if you haven't seen the first episode, then I suggest you...don't look under the cut! If you have seen the episode and just want to see what another MCU/Marvel fan thinks, or if you don't care about spoilers, then have at it.
I will say that the first episode of "The Falcon and the Winter Soldier" (I'm going to refer to it as TFatWS from now on because that title is long af) was good and brought forth lots of mystery and intrigue, but it didn't grab my attention quite as much as the first episode of "WandaVision." But this may be due to the fact that WV was just so bizarre right from the start, and there were tons of questions right out the door. So, the mystery (and confusion) was more intense than for TFatWS.
I still plan on finishing TFatWS, but I hope it picks up a little more in the next episodes.
Another thing I will mention that's really not much of a spoiler: Poor Bucky! Just like Wanda, he needs a damn break already 😭
And lastly, I haven't read any Marvel comics because I just don't have the time, energy, patience, sanity right now to devote to them. That, and I have always preferred manga (Berserk is still my favorite manga/graphic novel of all time. Hell, it's my favorite fictional story of all time! And the 90s anime is one of my favorite series ever). My Marvel knowledge is heavily based on what the MCU has provided, but I do know things that happen in the comics because I do read up on various comparisons between the comics and the MCU entries and people's theories based on the comics. So, I'm not completely clueless.
Ok, spoiler time!
I don't really have a list of things I liked and disliked for this first episode of TFatWS because it's just way too early for that kind of stuff, and who knows where the series is going to go from here. I'll just make a list of thoughts and opinions:
James "Bucky" Barnes/The Winter Soldier
POOR BUCKY! I mean, goddamn, this man can't get a break. We see just how much his time as a Hydra agent affected him, causing him to have nightmares about those he killed while brainwashed. He's closed himself off from others because he's depressed, burdened with immense guilt, and probably feels like he's not worth helping at this point.
I also like how we got to see just how negatively he was affected by being at war for so long. He'd be put into hibernation by Hydra, and awoke every time to go kill some people. Rinse and repeat. That was his life, which isn't much of a life if you ask me. The same happened when he was freed from their control and while it's understandable why he had to fight in "Infinity War" and "Endgame," it was clearly a lot for him to handle. He didn't get a lot of peace, and even now that things have settled, he still has no peace.
At first, I was wondering why Bucky was going out of his way to befriend his elderly neighbor, Mr. Nakashima since he wasn't associating with anyone else, not even Sam. Then we find out that Bucky was the one who murdered the old man's son why under Hydra control. He can't bring himself to tell Mr. Nakashima because it's too painful and he's too ashamed. He's trying to prepare for it, I suppose, by befriending the man, but at the same time, I don't think it's going to be less unpleasant to deliver the news.
I literally felt heartbroken for Bucky when I realized that he had killed Mr. Nakashima's son. Like, omfg, Bucky, this poor guy...he has to live with these painful memories of things he was forced to do and it's depressing to witness.
I know it seems weird that no one recognizes who Bucky is, but I have a theory on that: Those that do are people who actually know him or those who have seen his face at the Smithsonian. Those who don't recognize him may never have been to the museum or simply didn't remember his face. I mean, Captain America was the main focus of the exhibit, and he was in the public eye all the time, so Bucky could easily be forgotten. Also, after the Blip, people clearly have had a lot to deal with after being missing for several years while the rest of the world put itself back together. Bucky is the least of their concerns.
Sam Wilson/Falcon
Sam, our good boy Sam. I was expecting him to keep Captain America's shield, even if he didn't use it right away. I mean, I know in "Endgame" he said it feels like it belongs to someone else, but I thought he'd change his mind and keep it. But he ends up donating it to the Captain America exhibit, which was unfortunate. I mean, I understand why, and I thought, "Well, he can just go grab it later" but then...well, that's going to be discussed later.
I was glad Sam kept trying to reach out to Bucky despite how things seemed very tense between them before. I can understand why he didn't just visit in person because that would have overwhelmed Bucky. I am suffering from severe depression and I know how difficult it can be to have a surprise guest attempt to make chit chat. Not fun.
We find out how Sam's sister has been trying to make ends meet during the Blip. Things aren't going well financially for her, and she is considering selling their father's boat to bring in some much-needed funds. Sam tries to help by convincing her to go to a bank and take out a loan. He hopes that his status could help influence the bank's decision as well.
But that isn't in the cards. The bank can't approve the loan because now there are regulations post-Blip regarding such matters. Not even Sam's status as Falcon -- an AVENGER -- amounts to much. Then the accountant awkwardly behaved like a fanboy during the whole meeting, even going so far as to ask for a selfie from Sam during the most inconvenient moment. This scene shows, to me, that being an Avenger doesn't change everything, yet, they're still famous and loved (for the most part). It's a strange feeling: "We love you guys for all you've done, but yeah, we can't really help you out."
I'm glad Marvel is choosing to show the negative effects of the Blip. It's great everyone returned but...everyone literally popped back into existence. We saw some of this chaos in "WandaVision," and we're seeing more in TFatWS. It's a realistic approach because, like, yeah, people being gone for several years, presumed forever missing then suddenly reappearing out of thin air is pretty extreme. Not to mention, those who returned didn't always find their loved ones and friends waiting for them (i.e. Monica's mother died during the Blip)
Flag Smasher
Not much to say here other than we have a new villain to watch out for who clearly has superhuman abilities. The cause that his group stands for threatens to make things even worse post-Blip than they already are, and geez, give people a break already! But you always have fanatics that will terrorize others for a cause.
Captain America 2.0
Who is this random white boy and why is he the new Captain America? I know who he is from the comics but that doesn't make it any better. It just makes it worse! This guy's going to be a disaster, clearly.
Sam realized at that moment he fucked up by giving the shield away, but this can only mean he'll find a way to retrieve and -- hopefully -- take up the Captain America mantle. Captain Falcon? Captain America Falcon? Captain Falcon America? I suppose you can have fun with that.
3 notes · View notes
solofelt · a month ago
From Fear To Freedom - My Story
I'm 34 years old and until my late 20s I was convinced I was shy, weird, inferior, unable to talk, unable to be liked... I was fearful. I had fear of being judge, fear of being rejected, fear of being vulnerable, fear of being seen as weak... Living like this created a constant state of anxiety, which many times manifested as fight or flight reactions, which in my case was only flight. So I ran away from conversations, I ran away from initiative, I ran away from responsibility, I ran away from adulthood, I ran away from becoming a man.
I was in survival mode and I thought that was how life is, I thought that was how I was, I thought that was my identity and I didn't even question it. Self improvement, spirituality, self development, were all things I rejected or made fun of. At the same time, I had this duality within me: one side felt insignificant, the other tried to belittle others to feel meaningful. This created a pendulum effect, sometimes I thought I was smaller than everyone else, so I felt down. Other times, I thought I was better, so I felt up. Both sides of the pendulum, I understand now are toxic and are a product of the ego. So how did this stopped? Pressure stopped, pressure changed everything.
When I was 28 I started doing a PhD and that required me to leave my home country. I found myself in England, unable to talk English properly, with no family, no friends... I felt isolated, alone, depressed. I felt so much pressure that my anxiety went through the roof, so my behaviour became even more weird, my body temperature was affected, my ability to talk was even more compromised. I couldn't bare the thought of asking someone "how are you?", it was that bad.
So what did I do? I blamed the country, I blamed the food, I blamed the people, I blamed the weather, until the pressure forced me to look in the mirror and recognise: it's me. It's me that I need "fixing". So I started looking for tips on how to meet people, how to make friends, how to start conversations. Eventually a video appeared as suggestion on YouTube with the name "How to be a man" by James Marshall. I saw the video but for more than a week I couldn't click on it because I didn't feel like a man. Although I was alone in my room, I couldn't cope with the shame.
A week passed and I finally clicked on it and watched it. This video changed my life. The video showed me how wrong I was, it showed me that I could change, it showed me that are unlimited ways of living this life, showed me the immense amount of potential there was in me. Don't take me wrong, at the time, it was just conceptual, I couldn't feel it, I couldn't even believe it but a seed was planted in my head.
Slowly I started learning how to talk to people. I started small with "Hi, how are you?" and I practice that for a while. Then I introduce more questions, more interesting questions, and eventually I noticed I needed to share things about myself, so I did. I started going to dance classes to have an opportunity to talk to quite a few people in one night and more importantly, to learn how to feel comfortable with human touch. Therefore, with the dance classes I was learning body language as well as differences between different types of touches. Where you touch, how you touch, what is the intention, what is calibrated and what is not. I also learned how to be comfortable in an environment with loud music and people dancing around, which was scary to me before that. All that I took from dancing lessons.
None of my friends and family could believe I was learning how to dance because they couldn't imagine me doing such thing. Some even made fun of me but it didn't matter, I was changing, growing and accomplishing things. No one could take that away from me. Other obstacles arose though. During social dancing, men are supposed to ask women to dance. That meant for me to take initiative, to take the risk and that was a problem. It took me almost 2 years to invite the 1st girl to dance. Usually guys start right away asking girls to dance but I didn't managed to do so. The consequence was that I learned slower than most other guys. However, I was persistent and eventually I started dancing with everyone. I became better slowly but I did get to the top level. This was a great lesson for me. I was not naturally gifted, I learned very slowly, I had a lot of fears but still with persistence I got good at it, much better than other guys that skipped lessons or just did social dancing. I realised that I could apply that same process to all aspects of life.
With that same approach, I started asking people to go out for a coffee or a drink, I started asking girls on dates, making friends, getting into new social groups, getting into spirituality, opening up my mind to things bigger than I ever imagined. With time, I felt I was disentangling my mind, my emotions, my inner being. In this process, one of the most important things was to be introduced to meditation.
When I came to England, I was having troubles sleeping because my mind was having these cycles of thoughts that would repeat themselves over and over again, and I couldn't stop them. My running mind didn't let me sleep. I told a friend of mine and he suggested meditation to me, he told me to give it a try, so I did.
The first time I meditated, I fell asleep faster and the second time, I fell asleep right away. From that moment on, I knew there was something to it, so I kept meditating. Yes, I could sleep now and that meant that I was fresher in the morning, I had more energy and I had all the good side effects from that (better focus, better memory, mental sharpness, etc.). However, for quite a while, it felt like it wouldn't go beyond that. I remember thinking "and now what?". I had this thought because I could calm myself down alone in my room but I was still anxious in real world scenarios. All the benefits of meditation were only felt in my room. Nevertheless, I kept going until one day something happened.
I was pouring milk into a cup and I spilled milk on the table top and had the immediate thought in my head: "Oh sh..." but this time, I didn't even finish the word. The thought was interrupted by: "Why is this a big deal? I just need to clean it and that's it. Why am I becoming angry and upset? I don't need to bring extra negativity to my life and carry it around through the day". That was the first time meditation had a clear impact in my life outside the safety of my room. Without noticing, I had become more and more aware of my body and my thoughts, so I started noticing reactive thought patterns and all the baggage from the past that I was carrying around.
From that experience, I started asking myself: what is my truth? I started noticing and analysing what was truly me and what I had copied from someone else in the past. I started asking myself "Is this way of thinking serving me?". So I followed the advice from Bruce Lee: “Adapt what is useful, reject what is useless, and add what is specifically your own.”. That way of thinking together with my increasing awareness made my progress accelerate greatly and I remember going on this long phase that almost on a daily basis I would notice something that I had to let go off.
There is an idea that I want to pass very clearly. The process of growth/maturation is an interactive one. It is a mixture of inner and outer work. It is a combination of working on awareness and taking action, and you really need both components. Excluding either of the components has a very high price and leads to unnecessary pain. So be complete, do not ignore or avoid the any aspect.
The process I described occurred through all the time I was doing my PhD. At the end of my PhD, I wanted to go travelling but I did something else instead. I invested a big chunk of my savings in a month long life coaching program. This allowed me to work on some issues that I did not manage to overcome on my own and after doing that, things became really clear: I did not want to work on science anymore. So I abandoned my career plan, all those years of studying, all that time invested in that... I had to let go.
On the following months, my life changed fast, I felt more me than ever before. I felt free! Many of my darkest fears had faded away and I could see something new. The whole process of self improvement I had been working on during the PhD was the most important and fascinating thing for me. All my free time during the PhD, had been spent on it: researching, learning, experimenting. So, a question arose in my mind: what if I teach it to other people? Once this possibility was in my mind, I knew I had to do it. It felt right, it felt like my path. I am very consciously using the word "felt" because this was not a decision based on a thought process. I did not base it on a list of pros and cons, instead I genuinely felt something that I never felt before. I am talking about a sense of rightness, a sense of this is meant to be. Now, I still feel like that every single day.
For me, this is still a bit of a mystery how I ended up here, and how I found my way through all the confusion there was in my mind. I feel grateful for everything that happened in my life because everything made me get here.
This is my story, thanks for reading it!
submitted by /u/sergio_santos_one [link] [comments] from Continuously Improve Yourself!
0 notes
lee-a-toiling-writer · 2 months ago
Forgotten Memories, Lost Time (pt. 1)
pairing(s): natasha romanoff x reader; later wanda maximoff x reader (ish)
summary: A marriage, a damn near unbreakable union has been fractured by a few explosive words. What once was porcelain is now cracked and chipped, slowly breaking away. Is it too late to save what once was? Can memories be restored before it’s too late?
warning(s): None? a little cussing
a/n: posted (03/11/21). hope you guys like it. again..i do not and will not ever edit my work for the simple fact that i am incredibly lazy. i also have come to the conclusion that i am not as good at writing angst as i'd like, but oh well. feedback is always welcome. much love to you all. stay safe out there ~ Lee
word count: 1.8k
prologue | part 1 | part 2
Tumblr media
Darkness, it surrounds you, encompasses you on every side. Fear grips at your chest as you desperately try to see. You can hear a beeping, but it just sounds loud, so loud. The sounds, the incessant beeping, start to get louder and faster, and you can feel the fear rising in your chest, but in the midst of it all, you feel a calming sensation take over your mind. A presence that is telling you to breathe, to just breathe. Wanda.
Slowly, your eyes peel open to the bright walls of what must be a hospital room? Your eyes strain to see a figure leaning above you with worried, puffy eyes. Wanda. What is she doing here? Upon further investigation, you see a rather shaken Natasha Romanoff to your side, clutching your hand. It confuses you. Why would these two be here? It makes more sense to see Wanda, being that she has been your best friend since joining the team, and on top of that-
Before you can delve deeper into your confusion, the sound of the door opening catches your attention. You watch as Dr. Cho walks in, clipboard in her hands, and smile adorning her face.
“Good afternoon Ms. Y/l/n. Glad to see you have woken up. How are you feeling?”
“I- I think I am okay?“ you reply shakily.
“You are probably wondering why you are here,” she states.
Before you can even think to reply she continues. “You were brought in here a couple of days ago. Wanda informed us that you were in immense pain, and we immediately emitted you. We noticed swelling around the temporal lobe. Well, putting it plainly, we could tell you that you were hemorrhaging. You were in surgery for a sustained amount of time, but we managed to stop the bleeding with few complications. We think it had to do with the injury you sustained a while back.” She pauses when she sees the confused and blank look you give in return.
“Okay, I just want to check over a couple of things and then I want you to answer a couple of questions for me. Sound okay?” she asks soothingly.
Dr. Cho ushers the two women out and starts her exam, deciding you need no distraction. It is going surprisingly well with all things considered. Decent blood pressure, steady heartbeat according to your ECG, but that all comes to a screeching halt when she starts to ask you questions. What the fuck is happening with your mind? You cannot remember simple things for the life of you. Fragments of memories seem just out of reach. It is a feeling so unfamiliar, and it scares you, no terrifies you. You cannot seem to remember much of the most recent past, and it is a feeling of being lost. Completely utterly lost, with arms outstretched in the darkness, hoping, praying, someone might lead you back home.
You barely register when she excuses herself to talk to the anxious women outside. All you can feel is a deep feeling of fear and confusion. It is a feeling of loss, but having no idea what exactly it was that you lost. You can faintly hear the wisps of the conversation outside through the cracked door, but nothing is sticking. Confusion and darkness wrap around your brain like a snake killing its prey. It is suffocating, and you suddenly feel you may never escape its grasp.
The sounds of shuffling feet draw you out of your head, shifting your focus to the two women in from of you. Both look worried, but you can sense the underlying fear and tension they hold. It is as if they are too scared to say what they so desperately want to ask. You watch with bated breath as the two women approach either side of you, grabbing your respective hands and holding tight, but you flinch at Natasha’s contact. It is not usual, for she has never been this close to you, always keeping you at arm's length. All you remember was her cold stare when she was forced to train you when you first joined the team. It is a memory ingrained in your mind as if made from a searing hot iron. It’s not a fond memory, for you had always looked up to the striking redhead but she never seemed to reciprocate the sentiments.
The spy notices this, however, and that is all the answer she needs. At that moment she knows you don’t remember her. You don’t remember any of your relationship, anything from those wonderful seven years. It hurts more than she cares to admit. It was exactly this that she was scared of happening, terrified of losing you. Maybe she hadn’t lost you in death, but in her heart, she feels that death might bring more solace and comfort than knowing that the person she loves is so close but remembers none of the love they shared
Wordlessly she removes herself from the room. She cannot, will not, have you seeing her emotional to further add guilt to your confused emotions when you need to focus on getting better. When she leaves, however, a part of you feels incredibly sad. Something in you wants to reach out to her and just let her hold you, but at the same time, your confusion is exhausting you. Everything is so overwhelming and you do want to ask what is happening but everything is piling up left, right, and center. It is all quickly becoming too much to handle.
Looking over at Wanda and your eyes say it all. They wordlessly convey all the hurt, confusion, and fear that has been snowballing since the moment you awoke. She says nothing as she climbs into the small bed and cuddles close into your side, gently playing with your hair, careful of your bandaged head. You can feel your eyes droop with every breath, but you fight it, trying desperately to hold on to consciousness. However, the calming ministrations and low hum coming from the younger girl wrapped in your arms is enough to send you into a dreamless sleep. Somehow it does not feel quite right, for something is saying that you should be wrapped in another's embrace, one who is not Wanda, but before you can dwell on it, the darkness draws you in.
The past few days have been incredibly draining, and Clint is tired, worried, and a little scared. Hell, everyone on the team is scared after hearing about your memory loss. Deciding to blow off a little steam, he heads to the training room, hoping to distract himself from the fears that surround the subject of you. As he slowly walks through the doors, he is caught off guard when he sees a disheveled Natasha throwing weak punches at an already destroyed bag. Clearing his throat to alert her of his presence, he makes his way over with cautious steps, wary of how despondent his friend looks.
Natasha turns around at the sound, and suddenly everything comes crashing down. No longer can she hold onto everything and all her walls are crumbling at the sight of her longest and closest friend. All the fears and emotions she has so carefully locked away are suddenly open and on display, for the world to see. Saying nothing, he gathers her in his arms and lets her cry, letting her say every fear that has been harbored in her heart far too long. It's a sobering sight, seeing the usually composed, emotionless spy fragment into a broken, scared girl quickly losing all hope.
Through her tears, she tells him everything; everything from her fears of losing you to pushing you away to her new fears of you never remembering her or your relationship. Everything is out in the open now, and Clint understands. He understands the fear she feels, for he feels it with his own family. Instead of trying to shove advice down her throat, he comforts her and lets her sob into his shoulder while comfortingly running his calloused hands through her sweaty locks of hair.
That feeling of comfort stays. It is a serene feeling of peace amidst the tumult washes over Natasha, if only for a bit. After much time, she composes herself and steps out of his comforting embrace. Clearing her throat, she murmurs a quiet thank you before leaving the training facility to wash up, knowing they will probably never talk about what just occurred. It is just her relationship with Clint, a mutual understanding. However, her mind is made up and she is going to stick by you while you recover, in a time where you need the most support, she will be there for you. She won’t leave you to try to find your way back home, but she will be your home, will be the comfort you need.
With her decision made, she finishes cleaning up and quickly goes to your shared floor to grab some of your comfortable clothes. Mainly one of her old hoodies and sweat pants and a bag of items that she’d hope would make you feel more at home during your temporary stay in the medical wing.
Nervous steps lead her back to your room, the room she left just hours ago in her own fear and self-pity when she should have been reassuring you and comforting you instead. Just as she opens her mouth to announce her presence, she pauses. She is met with a heartbreaking sight, one of her biggest insecurities slapping her square in the face. There you are with Wanda wrapped tightly in your embrace. A sudden spark of jealously overcomes her, masking the insecurities and stomping them down. You have never once given her a reason to distrust you, always proving the exact opposite in reality but fear always throws out any rational thought and she suddenly believes the lies that sit in front of her. She believes that you are happier with Wanda and wants to leave as quickly as possible. The dread of losing you to Wanda overcomes her, and before she knows what she is doing her feet are carrying her back out of the room until she is running back to your shared room, not caring that she left the bag of items lying in the doorway in her rush to get out.
Guilt washes over her in roves, a feeling of inadequacy takes over her mind and body. In her anger, she doesn’t even realize what she is doing but acts purely in her raging emotions. One quick swipe of her hand throws the framed wedding photo off the nightstand and sends it shattering to the floor. However, her anger and guilt push aside any thought of sadness and instead persuade her to take her emotions out on more cherished items. Anything within sight is suddenly added to the trashed pile on the ground, quickly adding up. Pictures, souvenirs from trips, clothes all find residence on the floor, becoming a symbol of Natasha’s shattered heart.
Falling onto the bed, she clutches the pillow -your pillow, like a child holds onto their mother. All the hopelessness and aching you felt days before now familiarly grips her. She now feels the heartache and deep longing you felt for her, and another wave of guilt washes over her. With tear-stained cheeks, she falls into a restless sleep, haunted by her fears of losing you.
tags: @fishlikestuff @username23345 @dailyavengering @afuckingshituniverse @procrastinatingsapphictrash​ 
169 notes · View notes
filliteapot · 2 months ago
I'm going to use this part of what you said in a previous answer that made me really curious "the way of the authors to tell the story is another matter" to know your top 5 (or ~10) of that :)
Ah :D I guess the easier way to put it would be “This time I chose my favourite styles basing on art style mostly, but if I were to choose my fav storytelling/mix of art and how authors tells it/what they want to transmit, the odrer/the list would be different” :”) So some authors/stories on the list of my fav storytelling (not sure if it's the right term for what i mean but let's use this) are the same I put in the previous list. The titles and authors won’t be surprise for you, but I’ll list them anyway. Warning: I love talking about such things a lot, so I suddenly wrote a lot.
(Ask me my top 5-10 anything)
1. Literally anything by Takaya Natsuki. You have no idea how #tired I am of all the discussions about both adaptations of her Furuba (which is better which is worse no listen to me bc I Have an Opinion of High Authority) when not a single adaptation quite got her style in storytelling, foreshadowing and especially presenting her characters’ personal drama. I think I espcially love her for not throwing it all in your face right away, being careful at hinting at things (so that you don’t quite get some parts of the characters’ thoughts and inner struggles until you learn the facts and it hits you) and for leaving you some space to use your own brain what you think about this or that storyline. (Tamura Yumi does it too which makes her my second fave author). Also, years after reading and rereading her works I see better how storylines are entwinted and unfolding, and it still makes me yell “HOW does she do it” every time I go back to Furuba and her other works and see something new. I love her Hoshi wa Utau (which hits hard and is painfully real in the matter of parents/children’s conflicts), and Liselotte to majo no mori (darkish fairytale with hopeful messages) and wish more people knew about them too, not only Furuba.
Tumblr media
2. Kouno Fumiyo’s Yunagi no Machi Sakura no Kuni. I first read this manga a long time ago and was dying of happiness when it got published in my country bc oh my gosh. It’s a historical thing, it’s a heavy thing, she does have such unique style (my first thought was ”ah looks cute, like children books illustrations” and then it killed me) and approach to place panels on pages or transitions between scenes or past and present (I think some comic researcher or smth even called it innovative). The page that struck me the most was a spread near the end of this story, presenting a character in his older years sitting on the beach of a river in Hiroshima and him in the same place right after the war. Perhaps it doesn’t sound so original but this work and these two pages live rent free in my soul to this day.
Tumblr media
3. Ando Yuki’s oneshots (and Machida-kun). She is my favourite short stories author, she just knows how to tell it so that I got tuned in from the start. Be it a school slice of life or basically Edith Piaf’s song Hymne à l'amour presented in the form of manga oneshot, they give me immense joy. And oh, there’s almost always a twist near the ending I can’t predict. Her characters act a bit weird and take weird decisions sometimes but I think it’s what makes them feel so real to me.
Tumblr media
And it’s cheating, but while I’m talking about oneshots, I want to mention Midorikawa Yuki and her shorter-than-Natsume stories. Because they give me a similar feeling to Ando’s oneshots - the atmosphere is different, but the way they touch my heart is the same. Don’t get me wrong, I love Natsume and its structure (main characters and their personal jouney through unrelated stories of other people/not humans), but I love Midorikawa’s shorter stories much more.
4. Takamatsu Misaki’s Skip to Loafer. One of the best slice stories I’ve ever read. Right amount of drama and comedy, a cast of characters with different problems and motivations. I can’t help but think “Oh I wish I were able to create a story like this one day”. Also, someone wrote about it: “let me live the wholesome high school life i didnt have” and ugh I felt it :”))
Tumblr media
5. Yazawa Ai’s stories: Nana and Gokinjo Monogatari. Did “Nee, Nana” moments kill my soul every time it was used in the story? Yes, absolutely. Did it make me cry? Don’t even ask.
Tumblr media
6. Nishi Keiko’s stories: Otoko no Isshou, Koi to Gunkan. A person I know described her stories like this: “If life goes the wrong way, it’s better to go home”, and I think it sums it up. Both of the stories I listed are about ordinary life in small towns, they both me melancholic and somehow cozy feeling. Both stories have themes and characters that don’t really interest me much, but when I read them, I usually cry. It’s another A+ slice of life author imo.
Tumblr media
7. Tsukuba Sakura’s Mekakushi no Kuni. It’s dear to me for special reasons. There a girl who sometimes sees future when touches other people, there is a boy who sees the past all the time he does the same, there’s another boy... And NO evil organizations chasing them for their superpowers, NO global plots or problems or author’s will to condemn society, no deep philosophy questions about time and so on. Just normal slice of life of not so normal peoplewho try to cope with this particularity they have and fit the world they live in. (I wish authors realized the potential of such slice of life centered urban fantasy but they keep failing me aiming at the Global, sigh)
Tumblr media
8. Torino Nanko’s Toripan. It’s basically authors essays on her daily life and mostly birdwatching, but ugh it’s so good. Peak comedy about birds and heartfelt pages for when she speaks about her memories or remarks on nature, it’s so full of love towards this world and life. After I read Toripan I feel like I become kinder and better :DD
Tumblr media
(author’s A+ faces and haiku about sparrows in the winter)
9. Watanuki Yoshiko’s Manatsu no Delta. I read it some time ago and my first thought was “Wow, this IS how you touch an unpleasant yet existing problem”. I’ll certainly be waiting for this author’s other works.
Tumblr media
10. Ikuemi Ryo’s stories, especially the ones featuring metaphorical ghosts (Kiyoku Yawaku, Torch Song Ecology) and Taiyou ga Mite Iru. Joseis with ghosts are my fave thing on earth, and Ikuemi’s great at it. But she can make any theme totally worth digging into, be it school life or cheating and complicated family relationships. I think TGM is her work that left the deepest trace in my soul because I was reading it when it was ongoing, for three years, and it’s basically just something that makes you die slowly looking at how not so bad people fk up their life decisions bc of their unresolved traumas and issues but you can’t take your eyes of it and then need several years of therapy after reading such manga. And she doesn’t even preech or say you should not live like this. She’s like “this is a life story I want to tell, take whatever you want from it” and I’m like “gooosh this is so painful and looks so real and makes me feel things, I love it”. Ikuemi Power as it is. (Life teaches me nothing, I lowkey want to read something like TGM again and Akaneda Yuki’s Saraba Yoki Hi fulfills this wish of mine, but uh I’m so glad it’s rarely updated)
Tumblr media
(text: Nire is here to kill me)
Thanks for such ask, it was fun :D
11 notes · View notes
ciaran-nyc · 2 months ago
Week Seven: Greta Thunberg Documentary: "I Am Greta"
1. "Why would I need an education if there is no future?"
When Greta is sitting in front of Parliament and has a discussion with an older woman, she is challenged to go to school so she can eventually make a change. This quote really emphasizes the immediacy of the issue of climate change and why she is taking action. There is the continued narrative that we can continuously push off climate change and telling Greta after she gets an education she can work to make a difference is the issue. Rather than waiting, Greta has opted to leverage the celebrity she has to make a difference.  
"The climate is the defining issue of our time.”
Greta uses this phrase to convey the seriousness of her protest when directly questioned about her motives. This exchange is greatly framed by the age dynamic of Greta and the adult she is speaking with. Greta and her generation will witness the most horrific effects of climate change and she is acutely aware of that.
"Once the climate crisis has gotten your attention, then you can't look away."
After getting the invitation to a UN conference, Greta raises concerns about missing school for her speaking engagement. The viewer is then shown Greta in a classroom as a voiceover is heard stating this quote, implying that Great is preoccupied with her crusade for climate justice. This directly points to the tension of Greta trying to maintain a semi normal life while dedicating her life to a cause.
2. In the beginning of the film, we see Greta’s great determination and tenacity as she sits in front of Parliament unwavering in her cause. She stands firm in the face of criticism and even garners a large crowd of supporters. We then cut to her father as he voices concerns about her doing this and we remember she is just a child and ultimately a person with family members that care for her. When we get glimpses into the interactions she has with her father we see a more unfiltered version of her that is not the strong face of a movement but a vulnerable human being that deserves are sympathy for the emotional toll such work does to any individual.
3. I didn’t know she was on the spectrum, had aspergers, or suffered from depression. I knew nothing of the kind of background she came from, but it was interesting to see how close she was with her father. Additionally, I didn’t know just how well she knew how to manipulate social media and digital platforms to support her message. The scene where she discusses Arnold Schwarzenegger’s following gave me the first indication of her hyper awareness. It’s clear that this knowledge allowed her to substantially grow her base. There is a scene where she is introducing her Fridays for Future campaign and decides to speak in English while encouraging people to record and share her speech, knowing that speaking in English will maximize her potential reach.
4. I didn’t realize at how fast of a rate the Amazon forest is burning; that was rather alarming because I knew it contributed to such a significant portion of the planet’s oxygen production. Additionally, I was unaware of how many different young activists there were across the world.
5. I didn’t realize how quickly the movement grew, I had figured Greta had been working for a considerable amount of time in climate justice. I have a false memory of Greta coming into the spotlight and beginning her work earlier than she did with her celebrity having a slow build. I do remember Greta’s celebrity coming to a peak in 2019 when she embarked on the sailboat to NY, but I was tangentially aware of her because she was frequently in the headlines, not anyone I ever sought out or investigated information about her. I think this movement took off as it did because Greta was such an unlikely leader and her dedication to this effort made others recognize their own privilege and how they could contribute. Greta is also very savvy and well informed; her preparedness and passion make her very charismatic and a leader to who is easy to rally around.
6. Early on in the film, Arnold Schwarzenegger was mentioned to have shared a video of Greta’s on Twitter to his four million followers. Although he is a politician, Emmanual Macron’s global recognition is beyond that of just a politician and has reached a celebrity like status. His meeting with Greta very much served as a cosign of her efforts and added a legitimacy to her as an activist. Her meeting with the Pope also served as a major moment in her being recognized by a figure that is held in the highest regard by an entire religious sect.
7. The Paris Agreement is an international treaty on climate change, adopted by 196 countries in 2015. The goal is to limit global warming below 2 degrees celsius. This goal is difficult to reach because there are so many moving parts and countries that are acting without concern for the climate crisis. Under the Obama Administration, the United States was initially a major proponent of the Paris Agreement, but with the changing of power, Donald Trump backed out the agreement. President Biden has returned to the agreement, but such instability in commitments pose serious threat to accomplishing long term goals over the course of many years.
8. At conferences, Greta was used as a pawn to simply give off the appearance of leaders caring about the climate crisis. Although she was given a platform, Greta’s words were not taken seriously at these events and she voices frustrations about this. Greta’s past bouts with depression led her to withdraw into herself, only speaking to her family and refusing to eat. We see that in the midst of a very raucous crowd, Greta gets overwhelmed and refuses to eat. There is a back and forth argument with her father, where she eventually gives into his demands for her to eat. It is evident in these moments her celebrity status takes a great toll on her mental health. Her dedication to climate justice drives her to seek perfection in her work and, in striving for perfection, she overextends herself, as is apparent when she is crafting a speech in French.
9. I think Greta served as an example, showing that it is possible for all young people to actively make a difference, but teenage girls were most able to recognize themselves in her. The template Greta laid out showed how easy it was to leverage one’s position in the world. For young women and girls in particular, her outspoken nature and strong will defied stereotypical expectations of both gender and age, and demonstrated alternate ways of being. Further, the fame and positive feedback Greta received as a result of her efforts encouraged others to follow in her footsteps.
10. I think this footage really got to the heart of the entire film as she was detailing her struggles on the boat and how she wished she could just live a regular life. The immense pressure Greta is under reflects the responsibility her entire generation will have to undertake to try and save the planet. By highlighting Greta’s pain and vulnerability, her humanity was put in focus and when contextualizing the climate crisis affect on actual people it is harder to deny its impact. I didn’t follow her voyage in real time, but remember it being a popular topic of conversation.
11. Unfortunately, I was unable to participate in the Climate Strike. I was working at a job that if I had missed a day I would have missed a paycheck and potentially lost my shift, so I had to prioritize my financial stability. There was certainly an internal struggle as I wanted to participate, but felt unable to. The choice I made felt selfish, as I was ranking my own interest above the collective good. However, I was not just responsible for myself and had to consider the commitments/promises I made to other people in terms of my bosses/coworkers and family who I would be more dependent on if I lost employment. This tension I experienced, although rather low stakes, forced me to contemplate the idea of how capitalism is often at odds with environmental conservation.
0 notes
theforbiddenpriestess · 2 months ago
His Lotus Flower 𑁍
An archeologist accidentally awakens the mummy of Egypt's famous unnamed Pharaoh. Soon she finds the reason why.
Chapter 1 
The sound of your voice is sweet Full like the taste of date wine And I, drunken girl in a tangle of flowers Live only as a captive to hear it. -AN EGYPTIAN LOVE POEM, C.1300 B.C.
“Hello?” the young woman yawns as she stretches herself out of bed. 
“Mana! Where are you? For crying out loud! Your flight leaves in an hour!” her boss demands from the other side of the line.
Practically leaping towards the bathroom, the young woman shrieks, “Oh no!”
Hanging up and swearing at her alarm clock, the young woman manages to get ready in under five minutes and scrambles towards the airport, her luggage rolling behind her. 
As she tells the cab that she’s heading to the airport, she cannot help but chuckle to herself on why she was running late. She did not want to wake up as she was once again dreaming of the beautiful place, filled with soft sand, a long and big gorgeous turquoise pastel river, and sweet flower scents from the garden. Then she felt the arms of someone hugging her, making her feel valued, loved, and… safe. 
No matter how many times she tried, she could never see his face. This man, who held her with such grace and love, presented a dark shadow face. 
Never allowing her to see who she dreamt about. 
However, he wasn’t the only one. There were more people she dreamt of that she never got the chance to see their faces. It was as if the only people she ever dreams of only had silhouette faces. 
The woman smiled as she leaned her head on the cab’s window and looked at the passing buildings. Ever since she was young she dreamt of sandy lands, hiding inside of a giant vase, and being held so high before being placed on the shoulders of someone who her heart knew she felt an immense amount of love towards. 
Before she could continue to daydream more the driver announced that they had arrived. Thanking the driver after a nice tip, Mana turned around and glanced at Domino city one last time before stepping into the airport. 
Something in her heart practically screamed at her that things were about to change, but as always, she continued forward bravely. 
Mana whined as she stretched her arms and legs like a cat awakened from a long slumber. However, she wasn’t in slumber. She had been brushing all day the pyramid’s floor tiles. She slowly turned her head towards the legendary royal garden, which is just a few strides away. Though the garden was nothing but sand and rocks now, even under the red sun of late July Mana admires what's left of the garden. 
Mana’s gaze slowly moves towards the desk and her lips form into a soft grin. There, sitting so proudly on the wooden desk are the newly discovered relief pieces of artwork of the nameless Pharaoh and Dark Magician Girl. Mana smiles at the process she has done since the morning. 
After arriving in Egypt for her summer project to investigate the newly found palace, Mana was taken towards the Egyptian Museum in Tahrir, where she was escorted to their mummy preserves. There, she was permitted to see the famous nameless Pharaoh’s tomb. She recalled almost crying at such sight as if she was destined to always meet it. With the archaeologists and scientists at her side, she was allowed to touch it gently and she recalled feeling an aurora surrounding her at the moment. A spark, a ignite of fire, a beautiful deja vu. It’s as if she- she was meant to do that. Only she was meant to touch this Pharaoh’s tomb. 
Soon after that, she was taken to the newly discovered lost palace of the nameless Pharaoh. It had taken nine years to uncover the palace but it was a groundbreaking discovery. A palace everyone had given up as lost forever within the sand’s time. 
She remembered gasping when she stepped within the palace’s crumbling walls. It was breathtaking for her. The long hallways filled with endless secret paintings and hieroglyphics. Countless broken vases made her heart swell in pain and the shattered pillars almost made her cry. It was such a beautiful palace and from what Mana could tell, the people who lived within these walls were happy.  
It brought her joy knowing that long long ago, not only was this a palace, but also a sanctuary filled with beauty, honor, and peace. They must've been so happy here, Mana muses, thinking absently of the Pharaoh and his servants. Though she wishes he lived a long happy life, she knows, after years of research, that the Pharaoh sadly departed too soon from this world.
“Need help, Mana?” 
Mana stands up from the floor and smiles. 
“It’s alright Mr. Muto. Thank you though!”
Archaeologist Solomon Muto chuckles at Mana’s bright personality. “As much as I love your enthusiasm Mana, don’t you need to head back to your hotel? We’re the only ones left in this palace.”
“Thank you for your concern, Mr. Muto,” Mana begins. “But I want to finish something so if it’s no bother, I’ll stay for a bit more.” Mr. Muto shoots her a worried look which makes her smile widely. “Nothing to worry about Mr. Muto, I’ll be okay. The sun is still up, is it not?”
Solomon thinks for a moment before nodding slowly. “Alright, then Mana. Please be careful and just know that security is a walkie-talkie away or outside these palace walls.” Mana nods. 
Solomon bids her farewell but before he can completely disappear from her sight he turns around. “Oh, Mana!” Mana immediately jogs towards him. “Yes?”
Solomon snaps his fingers as if he just recalled something. “I almost forgot. The CEO, who is also our sponsor, is coming over in a while to see the progress our team has been doing. He’ll be picking up some documents on the table stand over there. If you want I can stay and-”
Mana shook her head. “No, Mr. Muto. You need to rest. Besides, isn’t your grandson expecting a call from you soon?” Solomon gives her a look to which Mana grins at. 
“Fine then. Take care, Mana.” Solomon laughs softly before he waves at her and leaves. Mana smiles in triumph as she watches the old man go. He needed the rest, Mana thought as she turned back to her work. 
Half an hour passes and as she hums expecting some scrolls she tilts her head and groans at the dull pain in her neck. She lifts her head and she catches a glimpse of a shadow in the distance, within the crumbled walls of the palace’s hallway.
Mana pauses and hesitates. Though she wishes for this person to scram off and to not be stepping all over her team’s survey marks she remembers what Mr. Muto told her. Realizing the CEO had arrived, Mana takes her eyes off the scroll and takes off her gloves before heading over to the figure. 
Mana skips cheerfully towards him, excited to know who her team expedition sponsor is. Getting closer to him the man turns gently towards her. A soft gasp escapes from her lips as she stops. 
It was a young man, who looked around her age or a little older than she was. His skin was quite pale as if he had been hidden away from the sun for too long. 
He was wearing black pants, a dark midnight blue vest, a leather choker with metal pieces, golden armbands around his muscular arms, and black leather shoes. 
His hair was the most peculiar type of hair Mana had ever seen. It took every strength of her own to not touch it. It consisted of three different colors, with most of his hair spiked up. Most of it was black, except the edges, which were tainted with magenta. Though some of his golden locks spiked up with the rest of his hair, golden locks fell to each side of his face, like lighting bolts
However, the reason why Mana gasped was because of his eyes. Beautiful, crimson eyes that shined like red rubies. Oh, how she just wanted to stare at them forever. Though he had an intimidating gaze, he was also so handsome. His stance which showed his full of confidence only enhanced that idea. 
He was utterly divine.
“Oh, you must be the CEO!” Mana cheerfully says clearing her throat as she breaks away from her train of thoughts.
The stranger stares back at her, unabashed. 
“This palace… based on the limestones, was from 3000 B.C, no?”
“Yeah!” Mana tries to recover her foolish staring at him. She wipes the beads of sweat off her forehead and replies, “You’re the first who guesses correctly. We've had many people answer incorrectly as they get lost at calculating how old the palace is.” 
He smiles softly. Mana’s heart swells up. 
“You work here I assume?”
A sheepish smile paints Mana’s face, “Yup, if my clothes don’t give it away. Hehe.” Mana gestures at the sweat-soaked tee and loose blue jeans covered in dust and mud.
The stranger doesn't respond but Mana sees in his eyes a spark of joy and fondness. He gestures around them, “Is researching ancient Egypt a passion of yours? Or is it some kind of dull research project?”
Mana’s eyes lit up as she replied, “Oh yes! Researching ancient Egypt is my passion ever since I can recall.” She paces around and eyes the structures with fondness, “My orphanage took me and the kids to some local museum, and that month the museum was displaying ancient Egyptian finds. Imagine the horror adults felt when four-year-old me could understand the hieroglyphics on the displays.”
The stranger looks at Mana carefully. His eyes filled with amusement. 
Mana’s eyes widen as she does a double-take and bows, “Oh I am super sorry! So sorry, my name is Mana.”
She stands straight again and extends out her hand, “What’s your name?”
The stranger takes her hand and looks deep into her eyes, making her freak out internally. 
“Yami, Yami Yugi.”
“Yami. Yami.” Mana pronounces his name, liking how it sounded.
8 notes · View notes