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insertsomthinawesome · 3 months

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I'M BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!! Okay so honestly I have been very very inconsistent over the years with just disappearing for periods of time due to various things 😂 So it probably seemed pretty normal to most people.

But it felt different on my side, so I'm excited to be back in business. I took a month long hiatus! 31 days of not drawing digital art. Its not something I talk about on here? But I've been suffering from some serious long term Art Burnout for.... a really really long time. Long enough that I should've taken a break probably years ago. It finally got so bad that I could barely draw. I was scared to do it (cause it always looked "bad" in my eyes [i'll come back to that]) and doing it was exhausting and disheartening.

I talked it over with somebody and realized that the fear and anger and frustration I felt towards my own artwork was uh. Not Normal or Healthy. And I finally committed to taking a real break for once.

I still drew a little bit by hand? Traditional art has always felt like it has lower stakes for me (i don't often share it online, and sometimes I don't even share it with friends) so I did some of that when I felt like it. But Digital art was completely off the table.

I had put such an immense pressure on myself to make my digital art perfect, to make as much of it as quickly as possible to satisfy something. It wasn't fun anymore. I'm proud of what i've made over the years! But for a long time now the stuff I've been making was made while hating every second of making it. With some rare exceptions.

I hated my art! It was a combination of Perfectionism, taking in too many external expectations, and the burnout. If you hate doing something its kinda hard to love it even when you want too lol. It wasn't "Bad" in the sense that the quality was low and it was ugly! It was "Bad" in the sense that it was unhealthy for me to keep doing it at that point in time.

I'm glad to report though, that with my hiatus officially over as of Wednesday last week: I am once again. In Love. With doing art, and being an artist :)

I put off taking a break for years cause I was scared that taking a break would mean that I would never achieve all the things I wanted to do with art. I was scared it was a stupid and lazy thing to do that would mean I'd never achieve my dreams. And Also even though I kinda hated drawing, I also loved making art. Its a weird duality that I can't even really explain??? I hated it but I also loved it. I wanted it but I also wanted to run from it. It wasn't until I was more mature and had more clarity and insight (and unfortunately also until the problems got worse) that I was finally able to let go of those fears and just do it.

And I'm really really glad I did. It was everything I needed. And I hope to strike a better balance in the future with art. Taking more breaks when I need them, or just when other things have my attention like reading or Video games (Some star rail got played during this time xD)

From the outside things probably aren't going to be that different?? At this point I don't really have any sure plans to post anything I've been drawing since my Hiatus ended. I might or I might not xD I'm still a hobbyist artist taking things at her own pace, but I hope that it shows how much happier I am :)

Whumptober 2023 is being officially put to rest by this post btw! I was in major burnout when that event started, and I'm ready to just, move on from all the past expectations I'd shoved on my shoulders. If I feel like filling any of the prompts or going back to any of the ideas I'd come up for it I will! But I'm not going to worry about doing it unless the desire sets in. Thanks to everybody who's been so kind to me throughout my time on here as an artist! Ya'lls tags and screaming and kind words, the fanfic, the asks and the responses? Its been fantastic :) You guys have made me laugh, smile, and cry tears of joy. I hope from here that things only get better and sweeter! And if I have bad days again, that's okay too.

Here's to 2024 and whatever it may bring ya'll :D 🎉🎉✨✨🧡💜

#isa screams #long post #gif #flashing #i think? Lemme know if I'm incorrect on that one alksdjfLKSJDJDSG #I don't normally talk this much so its kinda strange?#its kinda nice to be more honest about this stuff though #I'm a bit more of a private person so its hard to find the balance between wanting to discuss things openly and honestly #but with the fact that I don't owe the entire world an explanation for everything I do #its a tricky thing #but today I felt like doing this and I think that's okay #if i regret it I just won't do it again alsdjLSDJLFJSGSDG #thanks if you read this! I appreciate it!#I'm a pretty smalltime artist relatively. So sometimes it feels as though it doesn't mater what i say or express.#But hm. I doubt its really that simple or bleak #And if I don't respect myself then well. Who will right?#And I want to learn how to be happy with how little or how much I get #part of the reason I've done so poorly mentally as an artist is chasing numbers and outside praise instead of asking the harder questions #am i happy with what i do? what I make? Who I am #I'm going to probably be working on those questions and problems for the rest of my life.#But thats okay. Thats not a bad thing :)

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tub3rculosis · 7 months

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"i'm your man" belongs to edgeworth. "i'm your man" is a perfect representation of edgeworth's reflection on the turnabout goodbyes case. i'm your man is the perfect illustration of edgeworth's feelings both about himself and phoenix at the end of aa1. just please hear me out.

without further ado here is my somewhat unhinged analysis of edgeworth's mind in between turnabout goodbyes and rise from the ashes using lyrics from mitski's new song "i'm your man" as reference.

"you're an angel and i'm a dog"

edgeworth is obviously in a very bad place mentally after being arrested. he has to relive and reevaluate the source of his trauma on top of having everyone who looked up to him / liked him turn on him. but like a guardian angel, phoenix comes down to help him when no one else will. he, as edgeworth will repeatedly remind us in-game, "saved him." but why, he thinks, would an angel like phoenix care to save something so insignificant as a dog like him?

"or you are a dog and i'm your man"

now we flip the narrative... kind of. or rather recontextualize it. phoenix wright is completely devoted to miles edgeworth in the same way that one might compare a dog to its man. "man's best friend" is the embodiment of phoenix wright, it doesnt matter that they didn't talk for so many years and it doesn't matter that when they did reconnect in court there was some initial animosity. the fact of the matter is that phoenix's utter dedication to edgeworth's wellbeing transcends time, like a loyal dog ready to give pure unconditional love.

"you believe me like a god"

going back to turnabout goodbyes, pretty much everyone has given up on edgeworth, including edgeworth. and yet, even when edgeworth was literally confessing to the murder of his father, phoenix still truly believes in edgeworth's innocence. phoenix's worship, his complete devotion to this man he hasn't spoken with in over 15 years, would seem absurd to any onlooker. hell, these men are rivals. ("right nick? rivals!") and yet, as if belonging to a religious fanatic, phoenix's faith in edgeworth never falters. this, to repeat my previous wording, further recontextualizes the first statement. edgeworth is a dog. he sees himself in an extremely negative light, completely undeserving of the label "god." nothing makes sense about phoenix. what redeeming qualities could miles edgeworth, fallen prosecutor and murderer, possibly have that such a divine (angelic) man like phoenix would put faith into him?

"i destroy you like i am"

it would be easy to say that this is about their battles in court but lets be fr. edgeworth was definitely not doing any destroying during his cases against phoenix. rather i think we can delve deeper into edgeworth's self-loathing and feelings of inadequacy.

would it be oversimplifying things to say that phoenix became a lawyer solely for edgeworth? no sure. obviously there were some other factors. but like... bffr. the main reason was undeniably edgeworth. this isn't debatable lol. and i think edgeworth, oblivious as he may be to literally anything else, knows this. he knows this and thinks it makes him a burden. he is not worth the stress, the work, the dedication, and especially not the love of phoenix wright. in somewhat of a self-aggrandizing manner, he thinks he's destroying phoenix's life by forcing him to spend so much time and effort saving him.

"i'm sorry i'm the one you love"

pretty self explanatory. edgeworth cannot possibly comprehend the fact that he is deserving of love. he is not in a position to accept phoenix's love, hell, he was not in a position to accept phoenix's help at the start of the trial—how could he possibly accept the love of an angel who treats his dog self like a god? (pretend that was profound or smth idk) edgeworth hasn't even fully wrapped his head around the full implications of his developing unnecessary feelings towards phoenix. there's no way—even though i think of them both sensed their romantic tension—that they could have ended up in any romantic situation at that point in their relationship. could they have been involved sexually at this point? maybe? i guess so? but romantic?? no way, they're both wayyyy too emotionally constipated for that shit.

"no one will ever love me like you again"

he's right. im kind of a broken record at this point but phoenix's dedication is simply too much for edgeworth at this time. there's just no way edgeworth can feel good about himself after everything he's done / thinks he's done to phoenix.

"so when you leave me i should die / i deserve it don't i"

i recently saw a post where someone said the reason miles didn't tell phoenix abt dl-6 initially was because he couldn't risk losing phoenix's trust. i mostly agree, but i think part of it was to protect phoenix and not cause any more work for him. edgeworth knows how deep dl-6 goes, how weird and convoluted it was; and i think he especially knows that he would feel even worse about himself if he threw such a heavy case onto phoenix. but phoenix is stubborn and miles knows this. once phoenix is set on saving him there's nothing more for him to do other than tell the truth. (or rather, what he perceives to be the truth.)

phoenix saves edgeworth and edgeworth is extremely grateful, but... at the same time he feels like he is only complicating things further between phoenix and himself. not that he would ever express any of this of course. i mean come on, this is aa1 edgeworth, we're getting cryptic gay one liners and that's it.

+ in regards to the whole "choosing death" thing, i think the seed was planted almost immediately after turnabout goodbyes and the events of rise from the ashes were just the catalyst for him to actually act on them. both cases involve edgeworth having an identity crisis; while phoenix just fucking existing in his vicinity lowkey started said crisis turnabout samurai is when we really see the relationship between them develope. (i don't think i have to say why *cough* "saddled with unnecessary... feelings" *cough cough* ) this is the beginning of edgeworth's growing trust, admiration, and eventual love for wright.

"i can feel it getting near / like flashlights coming down the way"

"it" is the truth. as phoenix picks away at the bonkers bullshit insanity of dl-6, he gets closer to discovering what miles is already suspecting, that miles killed gregory edgeworth. but miles values truth above all else and he's willing to risk a guilty verdict in favor of honesty.

i think another reason why he transparent from the beginning was because there was part of him that was projecting his old ways onto phoenix—if he withholds this testimony then phoenix can get another win. this is what he had his own witnesses do in previous trials. but wow! character development! and now edgeworth is trying to do the (w)right thing regardless of the outcome of the trial—he knows telling phoenix about killing gregory will completely fuck up phoenix's case but he needs to anyway because it's the moral thing to do.

but for the billionth time, phoenix has such complete faith in edgeworth anyway that it doesn't fucking matter if he full on admits to killing his dad. because "nuh uh, you're not the kinda guy who'd do that even accidentally"—phoenix. honey. you've only known miles for like a few months in elementary school + spoken like... what, twice in court? you barely fucking know this guy phoenix, and yet you're somehow fucking right and it it turns out he didn't even shoot his father after all? what the fuck parrot. what the fuck phoenix. he's so hopelessly gay for edgeworth like they're so insanely homosexual omfg bruh... idiot gayass lawyers

"one day you'll figure me out"

another double meaning. phoenix already has figured out the truth of the case but not the truth of edgeworth's feelings. edgeworth, having seen phoenix's remarkable ability to discover the truth, falsely assumes he will be able to know things about miles that he has no way of knowing. i think this is why he worded his "suicide note" the way he did. he didn't anticipate that phoenix would refuse to think about it altogether. this is the phoenix who after initially losing edgeworth 15 years ago dedicated so much of his time trying to find out what happened to edgeworth. so it was somewhat reasonable to assume phoenix would try to track him down again. but little did he know that phoenix's grief and heartbreak would overpower any possibility of him finding the truth on his own.

"i'll meet judgment by the hounds"

phoenix, the hound, phoenix, whose dedication to edgeworth borders on stupidity at times, whose love for edgeworth despite all his flaws is a main drive for his career and eventually most of his life...

edgeworth is torn between wanting to live up to phoenix's perception of him and wanting to prove phoenix wrong in his admiration. regardless, phoenix's judgement is at the crux of it all.

furthermore, the actual meaning of the lyric was in reference to being sent to hell. if we go with this interpretation hell could be read as edgeworth's mind in the detention center before the first trial. phoenix's assessment of edgeworth's circumstances and insistance on defending him even when no one else would is another example of his dog-like loyalty.

"people always gave me love / others were never to blame after all"

von karma was basically a second father to young miles. he took this orphan in, showed "compassion," raised him and trained him to be the prosecutor he is today... just so he could pettily watch miles' downfall. i think miles blames himself for letting himself be manipulated by von karma. even though his behavior was a symptom of the 15 years of abuse and manipulation, edgeworth thinks of his younger self as a disgusting reflection of von karma and feels like an awful man for achieving the fame/notoriety he had through von karma's tactics. like imposter syndrome. because he idolized von karma so blindly he thinks he is still somehow responsible for the events of both dl-6 and turnabout goodbyes.

"you believe me like a god / i betray you like a man"

at the end of the day, edgeworth is not a dog or a god. he is literally just some guy. he's human, flawed, emotional; logical, illogical; he's contradictory and complicated and so much more because to be human is to be confusing. to be human is to make mistakes. to edgeworth, this is all completely unacceptable. he can't be "just some guy" if he needs to be a god. especially because it betrays his perception of how phoenix perceives him.

((ik this isn't really supposed to be about rfta but it feels relevant and this is my post so smd i can do what i want) in rfta, when edgeworth wrote his note, he obviously knew how dramatic his diction was and i think there was a tiny part of him that predicted phoenix's real reaction to the letter, but he rationalized that thought away using the justifications i mentioned earlier. he betrayed phoenix by not staying in japanifornia and avoiding facing everything that was happening head on.)

tl;dr: phoenix loves edgeworth but edgeworth hates himself (shocker!!)

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