Tumgik
#but he just CANT. and hes got to prioritize his own health and his own way of grieving and his own way of remembering her
endenope · 12 days
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some additional stuff for the au (mixed in canon stuff here and there)
kvh is smth around 32
got bad posture (hes trying to correct it so u often see him hunched over before he realizes and straightens his back immediately) - it makes him look shorter than he is
heavily scarred hands due to an accident in the past
he had also studied at the akademiya and was extremely popular and desired; was some kind of a wild thing ajcbakj drinking a lot, having flings (he gets crushes easily but never fell in love until hthm)
overworks a lot; disregards his own health at times by prioritizing others (linked to his sense of guilt bc of the accident)
big art lover; loves art galleries and enjoys painting/sculpting in his free time (hes no master)
cant help but admire hthm and his body bc hes so beautiful like a marble statue. makes him want to touch him all over, explore his body-
the already mentioned oral fixation; he used to smoke but quit and now often keeps his mouth busy w candy or lollipops (or hthm-)
hthm is smth around 23
as always, taller than kvh
hes slimmer than i usually draw him (since hes younger than canon hthms end 20s); closer build to his official arts i guess
cis in this au
minimally speaking, its also why kvh gets all hot and bothered when hthm speaks to him, lets him hear his beautiful voice-
hthm used to live w his grandma, comfy and happy, away from others so he had minimal contact to others (by his choice) - he always keeps a distance to others in emotional and physical ways (he does have friends tho) bc he doesnt rlly like socializing
obv no experience in anything sexual or romantic; never felt attracted to anyone
its why he feels things to violently, strongly with kvh - its overwhelming him and pushing him to his limits and he loves it, craves it
masochistic needy bbg loving to be edged and overstimmed-
v sensitive and loves getting touched - prob can cum just by kvh using his hands on him without any penetration
kvh is the first person he fell in love with and feels so attracted to in all ways
looks indifferent from the outside, has lots of perverted thoughts (he rlly rlly loves and wants kvh huh)
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ssseob · 1 year
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cold hands
your lover comes home from a long day of work to find you asleep. you cant blame them for teasing you since your reactions are just too cute!
- pairing: various fandom x gn!reader
- warnings: menaces MENACES, tooth rotting fluff :)), UNEDITED AHHHH
note: took my bio final today……..
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it was another monotonous day of having your lover taken away from you for their work. as much as you supported them and encouraged them to keep at it, achieve their dreams and that you didn’t mind how it affected your sanity without them there for a majority of the days in a week; you still couldn’t help but miss their comforting warmth when they weren’t in your presence. 
you knew they weren’t going to be home for another thirty minutes but it was already three in the morning, and you were getting restless. you pondered about their health; of course, you admired their work ethic and ambition, but what would all that matter if they get hurt? nodding your head in confirmation, you decide that you would have a conversation about how they should always prioritize their health (as well as your own, seeing as you were dying to have them near you again- but you wouldn’t tell them that). 
unfortunately for your plans, your ideas were becoming clouded, the trains of thought started to slow, and your inner voice dialled down to a whisper, and you find yourself drifting off to dreamland.
when your lover had finally arrived home, he opens the bedroom door to find you laying peacefully, engulfed in slumber. it wasn’t an unusual sight that you were asleep by the time they got home, they would be rather concerned if you were still wide awake. so, they slip into bed after freshening up and their hands find their way under your pyjama shirt. He cups the skin of your waist and before they know it, you jolt awake from your sleep.
“w-what happened, are you okay?!” their panicked voice was the first thing you heard, and although their concern warmed your heart, all you could focus on was their freezing cold hands.
“your hands! they’re so cold” you whined sleepily, tensing at the chilling sensation of the hands of your significant other.
when you locked eyes with them after your confession, their concerned gaze suddenly shifted to one of mischief, eyeing you with warning.
“...you mean, these hands?” he asks, moving his hands back under your shirt to rest his palms on your stomach.
you shriek at the feeling, recoiling at the temperature. you can’t help but whine softly while your partner continues to tease you through his soft laughs. having enough of their antics, you turn to face them fully and hide your face into their chest.
noticing your embarrassment, he softens his laughter, “sorry, i just love teasing you, you’re too adorable…”
hearing this, your arms wrap around his waist. “you’re hands are so cold… you need to start taking care of yourself more, I would really hate to see you hurt or sick… bring gloves next time…” and with that, the starry sky laid its hand back over your eyes and lead you to slumber.
a tender smile made its way onto your partner's lips, he too was guilty of the lack of time he has been putting away for you. he shifts in your embrace to get more comfortable before doing one last thing to remind you that he loves you.
“ah!” he smiles at the reaction of his hand, back under your shirt and now touching your back.
childe (genshin), heizou (genshin), ayato (genshin), renjun (nct), haechan (nct), jaemin (nct), chenle (nct), beomgyu (txt), yeonjun (txt), sunoo (en-), heeseung (en-), intak (p1h), jungwoo (nct), kun (nct)
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main mlist.
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liltumgrum · 7 months
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Modern aMerican Football au Stormlight
Kholin: a family notorious for their skill, domination and violence in professional football
Dalinar: a retired player turned coach. Has had many scandals including drugs/alcohol, a wild divorce case, suspected murder, and constant brawls. In his older age he has been attempting to change his public face and prioritizing the health of his players. He has high expectations for his two sons... all that Dadlinar stuff.
Adolin: a college football player who is widely liked. He plays the part of perfect son, but dreams of transferring to fashion school. All of his attempts to be apply have been denied because of his family reputation and how everyone kind of assumes its a practical joke. They don't take his genuine interest and intelligence into consideration. They think he would be wasting his athletic potential by pursuing anything else. Dalinar also probably shuts down or intimidates anyone that might consider letting his son change career paths.
Renarin: basically a bench warmer on the team. or a water boy. They only let him on because of his family name. He deserves better and is majoring in philosophy/literature.
Kaladin: His family are war refugees. He suffers from ptsd and depression from the violence he experienced and the death of his younger brother. He was raised with the expectation of being a doctor, but fell in love with sports and the teamwork after moving to America. It served as a coping mechanism. His high school coach, Amaram, sacrificed his teams safety to win a bet during state competition. Kaladin won the game for them, but was injured and cast out of the team. His record is permanently tarnished because of a fight he had with said coach. Now he is a field paramedic for his college's team and fighting to make more safety regulations for young players.
Shallan: A transfer journalism student from Europe. She thinks American football is stupid. But she also thinks some of the players are hot and makes fan art of them. Shes interning under Jasnah, a football commentator, and general critic. Who she also totally doesn't have a crush on.
Syl: I like the idea people have for her in a modern au being Kaladin's long distance internet friend.
Pattern: I think Pattern could basically be the same but rather than a magic spren thing, he is another part of Shallan's psychosis.
Moash: Came from a similar situation as Kaladin and they bonded heavily. He became extremely jaded upon seeing the privilege shown to certain players, Elhokar, and general racism in society. Infuriated with what they could get away with, he decided to take justice into his own hands. This led to a falling out with Kaladin, an attempted murder, a warrant for his arrest, and getting in with the wrong crowd. He now suffers from drug addiction, and is unable to seek help. He regularly harasses and stalks Kaladin.
Teft: a physical therapist/chiropractor hired by the college team. Has taken Kaladin under his wing.
Wit:... I cant decide what for him. I think it would be funny if he was like a frat boy, but isn't actually enrolled in the school. He's just strangely there. Everywhere. Also somehow was in Europe and knows Shallan. Is Jasnah's boyfriend bc that's too cursed not to include. He could also be a commentator.
Maya: lol what if she was Adolin's lucky football? Poor maya
That's all i got for now. Would appreciate any ideas on Szeth. Maybe he's an unprofessional football (soccer) player? They scrimmage against him and he kicks their butts solo. Russian assassin? Both? I have no idea ya'll
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creacherkeeper · 1 year
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grey: 22, 42, 54 and 60. maxwell: 9, 14, 20, 36 and 59. roo & hawk: 15 and 36 :p. brandi & sarah: 41, 45 and 51. cat: 55, 58 and 59 (sorry not sorry <33)
NORMAL AMOUNT OF QUESTIONS. I LOVE YOU
under the cut for obvious reasons
grey:
22. What kind of person would they never side with?
anyone who would put a child in harms way, or more than that, wouldnt prioritize protecting children in general
42. Is there something your character isn’t very good at, but enjoys doing nonetheless?
i think he messes around with woodcarving / whittling. he's proficient in a lot of tools but that is not one of them, but i think he's practicing. he just likes working with something organic since its so different from working with metal
54. What is something they currently look forward to? What is something they dread?
i dont think there is an answer to either of these tbh ,,,, grey is kind of just. existing. right now. and doing what he's told to do. he was taken away from the mission he was created for and taken away from his little girl. i dont think he knows why he's been left operational
60. Who do they go to when they need to bounce ideas off of someone?
i think marniss!! he's not comfortable talking to a lot of people since he does Understand people very well but he knows she's not gonna bullshit him about anything and will say what she really thinks
---
maxwell:
9. What is their favorite scent?
freshly welded metal
14. Does your character value promises? Are they good at keeping them?
he does!!! he very much values promises and for that reason doesnt make a lot of them. he's simply. so adhd and such a blabbermouth so he doesn't want to make a promise he wont / cant keep
20. Can your character flirt? Are they aware they’re flirting? How do they do it?
he absolutely cannot flirt. he thinks he's flirting. he's actually just hot and extremely blunt. he thinks he has soooo much game
36. What makes them blush?
people being really earnest. or really mean.
59. What’s something your character has realized?
that the world isnt as easy to navigate as he wants it to be. both physically and emotionally
---
roo & hawk:
15. Describe their ideal date.
roo: letting him infodump and adding to his knowledge. he does not care what else on the date happens besides that
hawk: answered already but, beers and [bleeped]
36. What makes them blush?
roo: people genuinely paying attention to him. it doesnt even have to be romantic, just like. earnest attention
hawk: only in the bedroom
---
brandi & sarah:
41. What’s a texture/sound your character cannot stand?
brandi: she doesnt like thunderstorms :(
sarah: i dont think she has any texture sensitivities i think she truly just loves a texture but i think screechy/squeaky kind of sounds really get to her. like if someones cart has a squeaky wheel she's like fix it or i'll attack and maim you
45. What would they never forgive themselves for?
brandi: he doesn't have many people he truly cares about on a personal level, but if she hurt one of them in a way she couldn't make up for, that would really eat at him. she doesn't like upsetting people in general, it makes her skittish
sarah: if divine or hawk Actually got hurt (in a way that couldnt be easily repaired) doing something that she didnt take seriously. she doesn't really have a sense of danger or consequence so if she was suddenly faced with that i dont think she would take it well
51. What makes them a hypocrite?
brandi: that she spends so much of her time solving other people's problems but refuses to address any of her own
sarah: that she tells other people to talk through their problems but refuses to address any of her own
---
cat:
55. How has your character’s mental health been recently?
ough. i mean? better than it has been? she's finally in a safe situation but it's still Very New and there's a lot of trauma from a lot of years still bubbling under the surface. i think once she finally accepts she's Fully Safe everything is gonna hit her Hard but right now she's kind of. just feeling everything out
58. What’s a habit that needs to be broken?
assuming she can't trust people or that kindness will eventually be taken away
59. What’s something your character has realized?
that assuming the worst of good people is just as unfair to them as it is to her
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roughentumble · 3 years
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My mind is still stuck on the Renfri's son au (I promise at some point I will actually shut the fuck up about it) and thought about how in your fic Jaskier mentions writing poetry/songs with the intention to not actually share them with anyone bc they're private and thought about Renfri's death being the one thing Jaskier can't view as poetic
Like, he can spin other tragedies into stories and songs and sonnets, can immortalize other unfortunate events through song, can memorialize wars and plagues and senseless crimes but he just cannot wring anything poetic out of his mother's death, can't make the blood anything other than just red
He tries, to write about her in general, but it's like writing about a stranger, a ghost, a shadow and all he can do is write some pretty lines about shrikes and thorns but whenever he does he tastes blood in his mouth and can't go on
And it makes him so angry, bc all the cruelty Renfri faced, all of the pain and abuse and hate she endured, was totally senseless and all for nothing - only a handful of ppl even remember her name but as much as he wishes he could scream his love for her from the mountains, make the world remember her name, he wants to keep it to himself just as much, wants to hold what little memory of her still exists close to his heart to protect her, even if only in death, bc there's always the possibility that he could write the most beautiful song about her and the world would still see her as a monster
!!!!!!!
OH i adore that. sometimes things are just too painful to turn into a creation of any sort, no matter how much the narrative gets pushed of "someone turning their tragedy into art" or whatever.
maybe as time goes on, as he travels with geralt and possibly even (fruitlessly) confronts stregobor, he writes some journal entries about it-- but they're all stream of conciousness, just an attempt to get the pain out. lance the wound, as it were. not meant for others eyes or consumption, and certainly not a Creation
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saintobio · 3 years
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The way this chapter made my heart hurt and flutter at the same time. The “Mrs. Zenin” had a nice ring dont ya think😏😏😏. Toji is so sweet to the MC and I think it’s so refreshing to watch their relationship blossom.
Gojo on the other hand😐… can still take a long walk off a short pier. It’s so ironic how he feels bad for Sera bc she feels insecure compared to Y/N. like how do you think your wife feels sir???? you barely interact with her and when you do you’re demeaning ASF. do you ever tire of being a dickhead? and idk why he just expects her to be happy-go-lucky after he comes back with a getaway with his mistress. and Ms. Sera maybe you wouldn’t feel insecure if you weren’t willingly sleeping w a married man😫😫😫
but I just live for when the MC talks her shit back to Gojo like you go girl LET HIM KNOW! i hope we definitely get to see more of her speaking her mind
This chapter was😮‍💨🤌🏽 Ai! You always come through and make my weeks worth something. I hope you’re taking care of yourself and prioritizing your health before anything. Make sure you’re eating a whole bunch and staying hydrated! Can’t wait to see what’s in store for Chap. 7!
-🧎🏽‍♀️
Anonymous said
that “mrs. zen’in” sounded real nice i can’t even lie to you 😭 felt like it just ROLLED off the tongue omfg i LOVE the dynamic/relationship of toji & mc so much 🥺
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Anonymous said
The moment I read, "Hey, drunkhead" I can't help but squeal! 🤩 Their moment together was so cute I think Toji will be a great mentor to her for when she starts trudging into the business world, hands on. He's so sweet I almost wanna ship. And don't even get me started with that "MRS. ZEN'IN?!" OMG! 😍 Another cute interaction, right there!🤲🏻😌
I love it when she finally started acting cold and was so consistent with it until Gojo tried to be more affectionate 😅 I almost got swayed too ngl ('cause I'm a Gojo-simp, I'm sorry 😔). I love the pool moment and also the part where she said "you don't have to hug me" but he won't let go. Sir, I— I swear I— but then I remembered the McLaren scene 😠 and whooop, who are you again? 😀 Yep it's gonna take you more than that, sir 😌
To think that Y/N even plan on apologizing to Sera for sleeping with her own husband, girl, you're too kind you might pass through heaven and miss it 🤷🏻‍♀️—🌾
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@brivetaroundtown said
AHHHHH YN SHOULD BE MRS TOJI. I don’t give a shit what Gojo promised when he was six, he told Sera the fuckin truth, that YN would never have him. but jokes on Sera she’ll never have him either
I want more of MC being calm and truthful. Gojo deserves to suffer.
I do think Gojo’s mom was shitty though leaving her son in that situation. Probably the reason he is such a jackass now.
You’re writing is amazing and I am so emotionally invested in this story
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Anonymous said
gosh i feel like if mc got fed up and leave assh*le gojo he would have the same nightmare he has when his mom left him, theres huge possibility possibility that he would be mentally ill due to the stress n all that drama 😔
ON THE OTHER HAND MR TOJI ZENIN THOOO 😍 (literal heart eyes when i read his part 💕) MRS. ZENIN? YES PLSS 😙🤲 (personally would leave gojo dumbass any day now for toji 😋). TOTALLY WANT TO HAVE MC HAVING A MOTHER N SON RELATIONSHIP WITH bb boy megs😌, like he would treat her like a 2nd mom n all (gojo would be totally jealous like "why cant we have our own 😔" then mc be like "suck to be u then, i aint gonna be ur baby momma 🤪) toji x mc (with bb boy meg) = happy family 💗👪
that b*tch sera 🤢 tho im so pissed at her like wtf girl ur the mistress i just wanna 🔪🔪🏃‍♀️😤
i have a question regarding gojo's mom 👉👈, does she have a deeper reason why she left gojo with his sh*t abusive father 🤢. i like her tho she seem cool
and the last part where gojo told mc about the promise they made when they were 6 about a baby? im in confusion 😞
sorry for the wack english hehe 😜
-🍄 anon
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MRS. ZEN’IN !!! it does sound nice sdnsj imagine how gojo feels when he hears that lol mans not gonna like it 😭
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itshesdimples · 4 years
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-Hello to anyone reading. This is my first time writing something and putting it out for the world to see. That being said, I would love any constructive criticism you have to give me. Thank you for any support you may give me, I cant thank you enough xoxo ~H - 
I remember the day as if it were yesterday; the day you crossed the unimaginable line. 
I thought we had everything, I thought I was your everything. 
2 MONTHS AGO
"Hey sunshine, just calling to let you know I wont be able to make it home this time. I'm sorry, the label has me doing something that I'm not sure is a good idea but they say it will help me in the long run." He sighs at the end, I imagine him palming his forehead.
"Look, I need you to listen to me when I tell you that you are everything to me, you make me want to become the best version of myself. During the months we have been together I have seen the best and worst side of you and I'm not running, promise. I want you to be mine forever, do you hear me? Just remember that." Harry expelled.
You were a little worried, seeing as you two had been together for a little over nine months and it was extremely rewarding. The time apart has always been different to the other relationships she had been in the past but with Harry it seemed like more than she had ever received from the previous men. 
As a surgical intern you work countless hours and never really get more than a few hours to yourself, so when you met Harry you really never saw it going anywhere. You were just too happy for your own good, openly expressing your life to perfect strangers and expecting them all to be accepting of who you are.
* 9 MONTHS AGO* 
The hospital you worked at allotted 80 hours a work week and as hopeful as you may be feeling, there is a little voice in the back of your head telling you not to go bar hopping. "Just one drink and then water." you emphasize to your good friend Mike, the bartender. 
"Vodka soda coming right up, Dr. Demanding." He chuckles. You turn around in the chair and stare at all the fellow drunks, looking for your intern comrades who should be here by now. 
Although you dont find your friends, you spot a very handsome, familiar face coming toward you. Admiring the face across from you, you decide to take the first step following by the downing of your vodka soda. " You dont seem to be familiar with the very famous bar here in town so you must not be from around here," you tease, holding out your hand to shake. "I'm [Y/N]. Not to sound weird but have we met before?" You get a very bold feeling of deja vu but laugh it off. "I'm sorry, my friends are supposed to be here by now and I'm socially handicapped, sometimes I dont know when to stop talking." Now you're just rambling at the breathtaking man in front of you and feeling red in the cheeks. 
"Its alright love, I sometimes feel socially handicapped around exquisite women such as yourself. Actually, that sounded like you're one of hundreds but I-- what I meant to say was that, you seem a little lonely. Can I buy you a drink?" He rambles, tugging at his jacket. 
"I am only allowed one drink, I know it sounds weird but I'm on a ticking time bomb, you see this?" You pull out your pager, "any moment this thing will go off and I have to skip back to work like a dreamy little school girl but inside I am dying of starvation, need a beer and twenty hours sleep." You just keep spitting up word vomit and your face is permanently pink but you just cant stop because what if it gets quiet? Now that's when it gets awkward.
"I don't think we have ever met because I'd remember you" Harry confirms, looking you up and down your shapely body. "What do you do for a living that has you on such a tight leash?" Taking a sip of his beer, he stands up and walks next to the chair you're sitting in. 
"Surgical intern, Dr. [Y/L/N] at your service, sir." You cant help but crack a little bit of the tension you have building up in your stomach while talking to him but that doesn't stop you from staring him in the eyes and trying your best to flirt. 
The aura around him is too intoxicating, too much to handle without trying to add a little humor in the mix. "I like it when you call me sir, Dr. [Y/L/N] but how long have you been a doctor? I'd love to get to know you before you have to leave me." He articulates, trying to captivate her attention.
"I love my job but it has been a long winded road, it feels like years but I've only been a real doctor for a little over two months. It takes a lot out of me but that is why I'm glad I have two great friends who I can lean on. We keep each other afloat and they're also my roommates. I don't know where I would be without them." All of that poured out of my mouth before I had the chance to cork it but I couldn't help telling him something about myself that was at least surface level.
He just seems like an eerie case of the best illusion I've ever seen. I cant help but shake the feeling that I've known him all my life, like telling him the ins-and-outs of my life wouldn't be detrimental to my health. 
"Now tell me something about yourself. For starters maybe your name? I've never seen you here before and I'm here all the time so I'm pretty good at knowing who is an out of towner, and I don't know how much time I have left." You're trying to get to know him and that is so unlike you. Having had boyfriends in the past, you were never the one asking the questions or wanting to get to know them more than a few dates and drinks. The longest relationship you have ever had was two months and you two went to high school together. 
"Hi I'm Harry, and I don't know how much longer I get to sit next to you so please can I have your number, sunshine? I would love to take you for dinner sometime soon." Harry is going out on a whim asking for your phone number but keeps going, "From what I have gathered you are a very busy woman and I admire that, love it even. I know this sounds crazy but I feel like I know you already and I have never felt that with another person so please give me a chance, I will work around your schedule. I dont care what it--" he is stopped when your pager goes off as an emergent patient being admitted, all hands on deck you assume. 
"Sunshine, huh? I like it." You wink at him and ask Mike for a pen so you can scrawl your number on a napkin and thank Harry for a very pleasant chat. It was good to know that he felt for you, as you did him after just meeting the man, and his nickname for you was adorable. 
For the next two weekends you spent getting to know Harry on a personal note. He told you he loved writing music, performing and was already an amazing talent. Harry showed you his latest music and you wondered how you hadn't connected the dots sooner. You knew he was a very private person, as he told you on your first date. 
(FLASHBACK)
"I'd love to get to know your friends, and see what kind of person you are. I can't wait to know you but I just want you to know that I can't have a lot of people knowing what is going on in my personal life." He sighs, you two sat down at dinner and he couldn't help but spit out what he wanted to tell you when you first met. "I don't want to sound pretentious or come off as someone who cares about his appearance to others but I have to tell you that I make music for a living and have quite the lot of fans. Screaming fans to be exact, " he chortles, asking the waiter for a bottle of wine to start off, "but I can't help but love them all. They made my career but I have to remain a private person. I adore my fans but they are very protective and I don't want our relationship to struggle because of a few of them saying unkind things." He grabs your hand and looks you in the eyes, trying to make you understand the reason for privacy.
"I've never met anyone like you Harry and I meet a lot of people on the regular. You have this way about you that draws me in and I want to get to know you. If that means that I cannot post my gushing about you on social media, so be it. I really like you and would like to know who you are." You declare, hoping he understands that he as a person means more than everyone understanding her lifestyle choices. 
(END OF FLASHBACK) 
Tonight was the night you knew you wanted to understand him on an even more personal level. You knew that the way you felt for him wasn't a normal crush, wasn't even a normal type of love. You knew he had the power to hurt you if he wished to do so but that was so far in the back of your mind. He meant so much to you already that it didn't matter you two were keeping your relationship a secret from most of the world, apart from a select few. It was the best date of them all, Harry cooked you and your best friends dinner so when you got off work, dinner was on the table. He was always so thoughtful of your needs and you thought it was the time to prioritize his.
"Take me to bed Harry." You whimper, "I want you." 
*7 MONTHS LATER* 
Things were hectic in your life but that was the way they always were but now it seemed like days stretched past 24 hours and turned into a marathon sprint that never ended. 
The day Harry unmistakably broke you was the day that sleep had everything on you. Going for days on end was something you were accustomed to but after he cut you deeper than you could ever be, sleep seemed to be your only friend. 
You thought you knew him better than anyone. He was your Harry, your everything, even your person maybe? 
But when his decision to take his career to the next step interfered in your relationship, your life; that was the day to call it quits no matter the devastation. He may have been your soulmate but maybe, just maybe it wasn't right. The timing, the place of it all was just too much. Your life just didn't have room for much else, especially someone who was willing to hurt you unimaginably and not walk away in order to lessen the blow. 
*2 WEEKS BEFORE THE INEVITABLE *
"Hey sunshine, just calling to let you know I wont be able to make it home this time. I'm sorry, the label has me doing something that I'm not sure is a good idea but they say it will help me in the long run." He sighs at the end, I imagine him palming his forehead.
"Look, I need you to listen to me when I tell you that you are everything to me, you make me want to become the best version of myself. During the months we have been together I have seen the best and worst side of you and I'm not running, promise. I want you to be mine forever, do you hear me? Just remember that." Harry expelled.
That was two hours ago and within those two hours you knew it was best to stay off your phone. You keep telling yourself to not look for anything leading you to clues about his voice mail. It wasn't like him to express his feelings over the phone, he was an in person 'declare-my-love-for-you' type of man so when you listened to it you thought it was best to stay off your phone. 
Trailing off to the shower in pursuit of getting to work, you hear your phone's inescapable shrill from your bedroom and decide to opt away from contact to that thing. 
As soon as you leave for work is when your heart stops, skips a few beats and then plummets into your stomach. 
"Harry Styles in a relationship with Camille Rowe? That is the best thing I have heard all week. The star tells us that they met months ago and kept it a secret in order to get to know each other. We cant wait for updates on their relationship. Now on to the juic--" That's all you can hear for the rest of the day, ringing in your mind like it is an announcement on the P.A. at work for all to hear. 
You knew that was the end of everything. Devastation didn't even hit the mark, it was like everything in the world was on fast forward and you were still trying to get through the commercials. Nothing made sense any more, the glass was no longer half full. It was completely drained and then smashed on the ground into a million little pieces. That was how her whole body felt, like it was just shattered on the ground, irreparable. 
The damage was done and there was nothing holding you back from wailing like a siren in front of all of the patients waiting for surgery, but your best friends always had your back. Making sure you eat during lunch and taking you to the bar at the end of your shift so you can drink the bottle dry. 
Just shy of a half hour sitting at the bar was when you were cut-off by Harry running into the bar rambling about how he thought they were spinning the tabloids another way. 
"I thought they were going to report that we just met and were already dating, I would have never let them ruin what we had by saying I knew her while you and I were together. I told them exactly what to say! I don't even know her, we just met." He jumbles his sentences trying to get hold of his clear message. 
You stand up from your seated position and start motioning for him to join you outside. Once out there, you decide what is best moving forward. 
"While we were together?" You scoff, trying to be as civil as can be under your obvious exhaustion, throwing your hands up in exasperation.
"At least you said something truthful in the last two minutes you decided to interrupt my break. Yes, you and I are no longer together. Honestly we should have never started something, our careers couldn't be more opposite and honestly I cannot afford to ruin my career over someone who wants to build his on lies. So thank you for what we had but from now on I would like to move forward, away from you." You keep talking in order to get your point across, hoping that when all is said and done there will be closure on both ends. 
You know that Harry does care for you but in these last twenty four hours you've learned is that maybe you can't have it all. Maybe happily-ever-afters are only for the imagination. 
Maybe life throws things at you so you can overcome them but there are times like these when she wonders what the message is supposed to be? 
Is there a message? 
That you can have one person in your life that should be your forever but just cant fit in there? 
"I know we never said it but I do love you, I think I always will but we can't make it fit. The time we spent together was great and I hope there is a lesson in there somewhere. I can only believe that closure is what we need now." She grabs on to his shoulder and goes in for a hug to end the conversation but he pulls back,"How could you think that we need closure? What we need is each other. I need you, in my life with me forever. You are always going to be the only one for me, I just know it." He grabs on to her and holds for dear life, hoping that he can convey her to stick it out for them both. 
"I know what I'm feeling is selfish because I never want to hurt you but my career is part of my life and I can't run away from who I am but I want you in my life, always. I will never stop loving you." Harry pulls away and looks in her eyes with tears in his," I cannot fathom a life without my sunshine. Maybe the timing is wrong but cant we make it right?" 
[Y/N] pulls away, trying to compose herself and make the most rational decision. She needs to think about her life and what she needs, not anyone else. "Harry Styles, while being with you was the best rollercoaster ride of my life, and if I could stay on forever I would do so; I have to get off. I need to pull away for the sake of my head and heart. Being with you makes me happy but when it interferes with my work, which is saving lives, I have to be on one hundred percent all the time. You have clouded my thoughts and judgement, and while being a star is part of who you are, being a doctor is me so I cannot give up who I am. Sometimes maybe love isn't enough?" By this point you can't hold back the sobs you have held in since you knew the inevitable truth and holding them back would be foolish, so you let them come. 
Harry tries to grab onto you with the little strength he has left from crying and lack of sleep. "I cannot let you get away. You are my everything! I canno--" he tries to catch his breath in between the racks of his heart," please, please do not leave me [Y/N]. We can make this work. I love you and that is enough, it is enough for me. Please." Harry whispers the last part, crouching in front of you and trying to hold you to him. 
"It isn't enough for the both of us Harry, and you know it." You're trying to hold back until you can be alone. All you want is to crawl in bed and become dead to the world because that's how you feel right about now. " I will always love you and maybe one day that love will be enough but right now I just don't see how that is possible Harry. I can't rationalize what is happening in our relationship and tell you that we will make it through it. The best thing to do is cut our ties before we start to resent each other." You take one last breath, looking at your friends inside the bar. You signal to them that you're leaving, and say the one thing that you know will hurt the most. 
"I can't try anymore to be with you so this is my goodbye. I wish you the best Harry, I really do." In the middle of all this you had a death grip on his hands but now is the time to walk away from one of the best things to happen to you. As gut wrenching as it is, the best thing for the both of them was to move on. Worry about the time in their career when it is at the peak so as hurtful as it is, she knows that she is doing what's best. 
You pull away from his grasp, looking down at him kneeling on the ground and kiss his forehead. "I love you." You whisper through tears. 
All you can hear behind you is wails of sirens, drunk people cheering on the football game inside but the one thing that is the loudest is Harry's cries. As soon as you walk away you break down into a blubbering mess. Your friends catch up after you, while looking at the mess you and Harry made behind. You can hear Harry's cries of desperation and the only thing your heart is telling you to do is 'go back, go back to him' but you know it's not logical. 
If it is meant to be you will make it work at a better time. Things will come together and make sense one day but not when her mind is a fuzzy mess. Maybe weeks, months or years later she will understand what it means to have love be enough. It has to mean something right? 
Good byes may hurt but sometimes they are unsurpassable. Sometimes they come barreling into your life totally unexpected and ruin something you thought could be forever. 
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shoujoaccent · 4 years
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can you share your thoughts on kuro and iwanaga pls 🥺
ok first, i love them, so jot that down lmao i’m just going to be rambling w/ the information i have today!! which is ep7 of the anime & vol.10 of the manga!!
the first thing i want to touch on is this recent idea that kuro is with iwanaga by force, or her persistence, or not having romantic feelings for her... and even though i can see why people have that conclusion, i feel like a big factor to that ideal has been from 1) their romance has been subtext because of the genre and the fact that their relationship is established, and 2) the fact that kuro’s character, especially in the anime, is flat and often misconstrued... when he both has valid reasons for his characterization and has proven that he genuinely cares for her, her well-being, and their relationship. 
again!! i must repeat!! they are together in an established romantic relationship. this is not a budding romance, so we’re not going to get a lot of moments of them realizing their feelings/etc. he may have moments where he’s not prioritizing her, but he always makes up for it, and shows that he goes out of his way to make her happy. yes, he teases her relentlessly, and yes, he says he’s going to break up with her..... but literally all of his actions indicates his care.
also, the second thing i want to touch upon is that kuro and kotoko’s relationship is complicated because individually, they are complicated themselves. kuro’s lack of attachment can be explained away with the abuse of his grandmother, his strange relationship with rikka, and the fact that he’s immortal (like, why is he going to get legally married when he’ll never have a death certificate?). kotoko flirts, sure, but she’s distant herself. she’s shown that she has no hesitation of bending ethics to uphold the natural order, and that her job will always become before everything, even her health. before kuro, she’s described to being to herself and rare to any emotional outburst. nonetheless, she’s still a rich, protected daughter that was found dismembered... like she has her own rich backstory that doesn’t go away just bc she talks about being horny 24/7 lol
ok more things under the cut bc of spoilers and i cant be vague anymore:
THIRD THING!! another thing that gets brought about kuro’s feelings and it’s the fact that he has feelings for his cousin and saki still. therefore, his relationship with kotoko is strictly platonic... but that’s... that’s just not the case. i need to break this down into parts bc WHEW I HAVE A LOT OF THOUGHTS
FIRST, if kuro has feelings for rikka, then there should have been no problem for them to be together. in the recent volume (10), she literally states that he was supposed to be hers... but what eventually ended up happening is the fact that kuro did get closer with kotoko. 
and see, the thing with that is..... if kuro has had nothing but feelings for rikka, then his relationship with saki wouldn’t have happened in the first place either. not to sound pro-inc*st, but they are immortal beings and the last of their family line. there’s literally nothing stopping them besides kuro not wanting to pursue a romantic relationship with rikka... and he didn’t. he got engaged to saki instead.
kuro has also stated that rikka was only in the hospital because she wanted to be mortal again, aka she wanted to die... but why? there’s events that we’re missing and won’t get to see into later down the line. regardless, it’s safe to say that kuro loves rikka to his full capacity as family and as someone who shared his same horrid past, but he doesn’t love her more than that. (he also said she was a monster beforehand anyway so.... idk, maybe that has something to do with that LOL.)
but that also brings us to the next thing: why saki?
it’s been clear that he dates saki because she looked like rikka. they were together to the point of engagement and talks of marriage, but nothing came into fruition bc he’s an immortal that scares off spectres.
but thats the thing too, their relationship would’ve never worked bc 1) he was always hiding the fact on who he was, and 2) again, he is immortal. maybe she was his attempt to be normal, but kuro’s very aware of his situation at all times. i don’t doubt he loved saki, but a lot of his residual feelings from the lady steel arc indicate guilt rather than lingering feelings.
and of course, he feels freaking guilty!!! he lied to her about his condition, and then scared her to the point where she couldn’t even eat certain meats. that’s a heavy burden to be at fault for. (luckily, they do resolve this and apologize to each other!! but that’s the thing too: be the end of lady steel, they aren’t letting go of their feelings. they’ve been aware that their relationship was over for a long time and that they both moved on. there were just some leftover wounds.)
AND AHHH!!!! i think its also to point out the fact that rikka approved saki (aka her clone), but she never approved kotoko. rikka said that she thought she could wait for kuro to get tired of kotoko, but he never did. that’s why kotoko became a bigger threat than she already was. not only was she an indicator that kuro wasn’t looking for rikka in people, but because his feelings for kotoko are genuine. it drives rikka to the point of insanity bc she literally is trying to create something to kill a god.
so to summarize: kuro loves rikka, but only as family. kuro dates saki bc she reminded him of rikka (aka probably the only he did know in his fucked up childhood), but it doesn’t work out bc he’s immortal anyway. kuro dates and ends up having actual feelings for kotoko, which brings us to the present and why rikka feels threatened to the point of violence.
GOT IT!!!
also, since we’re nearing the end, there’s something also interesting about kuro and kotoko’s relationship that i’ve thought about since their christmas chapter. kuro is a broke college student. kotoko is an heiress. they’re constantly going on trips and dates, but for the most part, kuro is going out of his way to treat kotoko. he’s thankful for her parents for taking in rikka, but there’s not a plot about him being indebted to her/etc... and i’ve been thinking about this since the christmas chapter bc he chose to work at his part-time job than spend it with her. at first, it’s easy to be upset about it...... but again, kuro’s a broke college student. of course, he needs to work a lot. he not only has school, bills, and groceries, but he’s trying to accommodate kotoko to a lifestyle where she’s happiest in (like a goOD BOYFRIEND) and it makes me wanna cry ok
in conclusion, i just think it’s dumb to act like these two aren’t together or that they don’t have feelings for each other. it’s there. in fact, it’s probably the only constant/consistent thing in a story with a lot of moving parts. they both lead incredibly complicated lives, but they’re there for each other.
i won’t lie, kuro talks a lot of shit lmao, but i don’t get how that’s different from kotoko being overly sexual/vulgar when she doesn’t mean it either. kuro literally told her that he needs her and her response was telling him to not think he’s hot shit lololol. i get also bc kotoko’s overtly sexual (and lbr, attracts a lot of lolicons), so if she’s not being praised/not being treated like a princess by kuro, then that makes him a worse boyfriend... but he doesn’t treat her poorly. hell, that pinocchio proved that she really takes for granted that he dies a lot of her sometimes to the point with other spectres (aka the things that want to see kuro die LOL) think she (aka their god that they praise 24/7) is harsh.
but that’s what being in a relationship too is. you’re not going to appreciate someone at all hours of the day, but the point is, you have to be constantly taking care of each other, even when you don’t want to. kuro and kotoko are constantly taking care of each other, and thinking of each other’s well-being first and foremost. they might bicker, but that’s a fact that’s always acknowledged by everyone around them, despite initial opinions.
and tbh, i feel like kuro also feels a lot of guilt for rikka. maybe not for returning her feelings, but because his happiness with another person (kotoko) was the catalyst of her running away and causing havoc. i think that adds another layer to his distance with kotoko, but it doesn’t mean he has feelings for her romantically. what i really appreciate about the story is the fact that as simple as things are presented, there’s always a complex reason/backstory for it. there’s never a single moving part for anything. there’s plenty of motives and reasons.
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fairycosmos · 4 years
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im sorry this is so long. i just don't know what to do. hes my best of friends. hes also my first love. everything started with him. how do i wake up? how do i go on from this?
hey my love, don’t worry about how long it is. i’m so sorry to hear this 😞😞 it sounds like you’ve been through so much and that you still are going through the worst of it, and i don’t blame you at all for being emotionally exhausted/at your wits end. if you want my take, i kind of think....this is one of those situations where any verbal answer will feel like something you just want to roll your eyes at. because the weight of the moment is so heavy, and heartbreak is so real and strong and convinces you it’ll be with you forever, and you can’t have the one thing you want most in the world. i know 5 more minutes with this feeling doesn’t feel worth 10 years without it, and i also know that i don’t truly understand the extent of the pain you’re carrying. so i won’t pretend to, it’s yours to process at your own pace in your own time. but to answer your question, i think the answer is to simply just go on in whatever way you can. there’s no ‘how’, there’s just making it through one moment to the next, as you have been, and trying your hardest to accept what cant be changed. and to approach things from a place of patience with/love for yourself. if anything else i think this could be an opportunity to really prioritize what you need, and if you don’t know what that is yet, that’s alright. you’ve all the time in the world to recuperate and to learn how to grow beyond this through experience rather than through having a set plan + solution. just take it one step at a time. i really mean that. you have to allow yourself to grieve what you feel has been lost, to go through the motions of the loss. cry as much as you need to, talk to your friends + loved ones about it even when you feel the urge to hide away, listen to sad songs, write about it, scream into your pillows, sleep as much as you need. and through it all recognize that you are a whole person on your own even if you don’t want to be. you know?  a lot of the people in your life can probably really understand what it’s like to be in your shoes, have probably lived through something similar, and there’s no shame in leaning on them or using them to find some hope in your own circumstances. so i really suggest keeping in touch and being open with those who care. and as a side note, looking at this from the perspective of ‘why doesn’t he love me’ won’t lead to any substantial conclusion, it’s a dead end and an illusion of a question. if he doesn’t feel the way you do about him, it’s not because of anything that you are and it’s not a matter of personal fault or lacking, no matter what your brain says. it’s just that inexplicable thing about love, where sometimes the environment and the timing is right for it to develop in a way that allows reciprocity, and sometimes, a lot of the time it just - doesn’t. it’s no ones fault. i really believe internalizing that and understanding how worthy you are of being loved fully is going to be a crucial part of moving forwards. if what you need wasn’t to be found in this man, even if everything else was perfect but his heart just wasn’t in it, that means the future is opening up for someone who will treat you with care, who knows they’re lucky to have you. and i know right now, you don’t want anyone else. which is understandable - and maybe you think you’ll never feel this way about anyone else again, and maybe you won’t. but there are so many ways to love and so many opportunities for it. this is not your last, and it’s not the end of the world the way it feels like it is. time will be so kind to the wounds, which you’ll probably hate to hear, but it’s true.
as far as keeping this dude in your life goes - i do believe the decision has to be organically yours in order for it to feel right. but if you’re stuck between cutting him off and keeping him close, maybe a compromise would suffice? like distancing yourself and just taking a step back from him for a while. even if it hurts. not shutting down the friendship entirely, but not pouring salt on your cuts by having to be around him/talk to him when you’re trying to let go of the image you used to have of the role he plays in your life. at least for the first few weeks. if in a while, you feel comfortable enough to pick up the connection you had with them, then thats wonderful. if not, then that’s alright too, and you are capable of drawing on the inner strength needed to survive it. i promise you are. working out whether letting someone go is the best course of action may take time, and it’s alright not to know right in this moment. that’s just my suggestion, and the choice is entirely yours. but i really think it’s ok to be flexible with your approach and to adjust it as necessary, based on what brings you the most peace of mind. as long as you let him know that you need time to figure out what would be best for you. i’m sure he can offer you a little patience while you work through it. i think it’s a good sign that you’re able to appreciate his presence in your life even if it’s not a romantic one, and maybe that could be something to build off of in the future. to develop a new version of your friendship that makes room for all the history you have together. but until you get to that point, please just take care of yourself and spend a while looking inward to discover what you feel is best for your mental health. know that the permanence of the despair is a trick your brain is playing on you. it is absolutely not always going to feel this intense, this awful for the rest of your life. maybe you’ll always carry a flame for him, that happens sometimes. but it’s just that, a thought of a flame. you know when you hear older people talk about first loves, and they always manage to laugh nostalgically about it? to reminisce rather than break down in tears? it’s because their life moved onward, maybe without them even realizing it, and yours will too. and maybe it’ll take months or years to get there, but there’s no deadline to this sort of thing. no rush. healing and pain can occur simultaneously, and i’m sure both are happening even as we speak. every day, your mind is learning to live without. learning subconsciously that your future is going to hold happiness and love and warmth, with or without him. it’s normal to need time to come to terms with that last part, and to not want to even have to in the first place. but unfortunately it’s the position you find yourself in. so all you need to ask of yourself is that you use whatever healthy tools are at your disposal, to begin letting go of what no longer is. even if you have to let it go over and over again. even if sometimes it feels like moving mountains. anyway i’m sorry this got so long, and i’m sure cliches probably pale in comparison to what you’re going through. but please know that i absolutely believe in you and your ability to figure out how to overcome this, even if some days that just looks like crying in bed.  progress is constant and just as real as the heartache. i’m sending you so much love and keeping you in my thoughts. if you need a friend or want to talk about this properly, please feel free to message me alright. you’re not alone and this is not what everything in your life was leading up to. it’s a moment within many that will pass, as everything does. take it easy, take care 💖
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delicioustrashlove · 3 years
Text
To me : a honest open letter to my self. deep breath and open up and express 
What do you know . You went back there again and all though you held on super tight you couldn’t keep him could you? Of course not. You’ve lost your self every-time chasing him and you’ve never been able to catch him.
I thought I wouldn’t survive this one. I thought honestly I was not going to make something of my self . I whole heartedly was ready to give up . What ever happened happened and I could care less it’ll never be as bad as losing you. And I truthfully connived my self that my happiness only lied in your arms.
It took me so long to cry . Once I got back Colorado the reality of my new home, it was such a blur . For a while I pretended you died. To some how help my heart forget you. And thats all I wanted was to forget you. I deleted every picture and every single video .I blocked you on everything I could think of that youd have access to talking to me through . And for what . Just to black out once a week and tell you how much  I miss you and that I love you . I drank my self silly . I mean every event every party every outing I had to be there I had to be anywhere but in reality . Because reality meant no you. It meant what once was and will never be again,, reality meant excepting my feelings. And I wanted so badly to be tough and strong. I’ve gotten my heart shattered a million times by you , you’d think I would get easier . It didnt it was worse . I was so fully invested in you that life didnt exist with out you in it . I didnt know what that felt like anymore . I was so wrapped up In you so blind to reality . Loving you meant losing my self . I lost my self 4 times a year for 5 years trying to keep your heart. I broke my own heart letting you back in to my life so many times . I knew better . But the love I had for you was so much stronger . I couldn’t stay away . I also revolved my entire world around you , so when you where gone I felt so literally like the world was ending . I lost my whole life . I realize now thats not healthy . You have to always prioritize your health and well being before anyone . You have to love you before you love anyone. So wed break up id self destruct then Id put all my pieces back together the ones you broke. Id fix my self and I would get back on track I was moving on I was happy then just like that . One phone call at 10pm where you clearly to drunk to remember the conversation id be on a plane. Drop my job my home my family My friends … quite literally everything just to be with you . Just to love you. All I ever did in this world was so unconditionally love you. I thought I could hate you I did for a while . But I dont anymore . You where apart of my journey and it almost killed losing you but it was supposed to happen . It was part of the plan that god has for me. You coming int o my life brought so much love and bond that ill never feel with anyone else . I will never love someone the way I let my self love you. And when the lesson has finally been learned only then I can move forward to the next chapter. And your purpose in my life was love and lots of lessons and lots of growing . You think god doest hear your heart crying you think he gave up on you ya know , but he never did. In the end you’ll see there was such bigger picture. 5 years I spent going back to you and leaving you. Why did I always go back ? Because loved you but I clearly wasn’t seeing what god prepared for me. He wouldn’t believe his lessons or fallow his guidance so he kept bring ing me back to you so I could relearn and remember why I left and well you might be my soulmate your not meant to be in my story forever . Only a couple chapters . And once you’ve served your purpose to my life that god wants me to have experienced and learned I will be able to move forward. I first must let you go . And I finally am starting to. I got so unhealthy and so sad and so stuck and caused so many health problems to my body . So much that was almost to much to prepare. But I made a choice one day . I chose my self , and not you. I chose to love me and not love you anymore. I commented intently to my family and I mean really gave it my all. I learned that no matter what my parents wouldn’t never leave mom behind .and im going to everything in my power to be a good girl to them and build our love and our relationship . And I think that was gods purpose all along. You cant keep whats not for you . And I didnt understand that when we parted ways. I accept that now . And I know as I continue to stay on the right path god has such beauty waiting ahead for me… look how much I loved you and all I did for you imagine how much I will love the right man. I did alot. Every time we break up I have to fix my self . But I know now its all apart of the journey . All those trials with you just made me stronger it made me braver it made me wiser and it made men grateful for the good ones.  You breaking my heart was one of the best things to happen to me in the end. Because I never would stopped loving you I never would have left you behind. I would have always been your biggest fan and continued to love you till I ended up hating my self. You have the courage to set me free was the kindest thing you ever did for me. At the time I didnt get it but who I am now and what I ve accomplished for my self and how when you try really hard to be better and I mean really hard things kind of fall in to place. God smiles and says okay you deserve this you’ve learned you’ve grown . I manaaged to accomplish that goal of being close to my family . We are so close and we love trust and respect eachother so much . Our bond is very very strong . I managed to get my self too a doctor , I found out I complete sabotaged my health . And oh ya I have 14 allergies !!!!  And some of the effects of those allergies after time has caused a harmful build up to where I was 3 years away form being diabetic , my thyroid completely stopped working . Amplifying my anxiety and my depression . The last month. I was in az i would get sick a lot . Id eat something and get sick . The problem was I was so fuxking drunk all the time I didnt ever thing anything of it. I’ve destroyed my guy and its a blessing that wildly and randomly this doctor asked if she could test me . And we found a lot of issues and also got a lot of answers to a lot of my health issues. Im starting treatment for that . Ill be injecting my self every other day with medicine to help my body repair the damages I have done and it will also help fight allergic reaction and build immunity so this doesnt happen again . I also !!! Am taking my meds again . Different ones but im glad I chose to take this chance on them again . I figured if im going to  put my health and happiness first I dotn need to be drinking and If im not drinking a lot fo stuff is going to come to the surface and I don know how well ill be able to handle that reality. I also like I said thought. Was going to kill my self. I was so heartbroken so so so sad. I knew I needed help and I reached out and got. Now im happy and stable and I get out of bed and I have energy and im so present and to active. I work out everyday . I eat healthy and I lost some weight . My highest weigh t was 168 before our florida trip I got down to 147 , when worked for Linx I was 145 then after being with tj again my mental health went hay wire and I lost my self again . Completely lost. And when I got back to co I was 153 pounds …. I would shift from 145 to 147 … then I just stopped worrying about it and started doing something about it. I channeled all my sadness in to exercise . Im sad go work out im bored go work out im happy hey go work out get that good flow !!  Your angry you miss him what ever it was I worked out then it became all I could focus on cus I learned to love it so Much . I took on running again I put in the work . Things finally where falling into place . I was getting my self back and this time it was better then ever . Better then ever before . I unlocked this door and its been so beautiful. I one day weighed my self just to see assuming id be 145 I was 137 !!!! Wow !!! A week later I was 135 and today I am 133!!!!! Its so cool and feels so good to not be depressed not feel pretty in my clothes. And iliv Amy self. So much . I hope I start working at hooters soon and continue to have a great life. I finally got approved for unemployment and ally back pay and also and extra 13 weeks after mine runs out. Things are just happening . I wasn’t going to get any hadn’t outs . But I was at the bottom thats for sure and you know who was there ? Not tj not the guy you literally did everything for no not him . My mom and my step dad and my brother . They took me in . And it was hard and uncomfterable , but I just stopped going out stopped drinking as much . And did things for them no matter if they where mad at me or if it was awkward.i committed to being good fo them . And I knew it would take time . But little by little ive managed to accomplish all my goals . When I used to be the queen of quitting. I cant wait to see even more of what god has in store for me. And who I become . My skins cleaning up my body is losing weight I more active im healthy and im very in touch with my desires and my well being . I care and love and respect my self so so much. Its like a huge spiritual awakening. I love being alone . I dont feel like alone deserves me right now to be honest .Its gong to take a lot for me to love again but its okay . Not everyone deserves that form me anyway. I worked so hard to me this . To be who I am right now and I won’t let anyone take that away form me. You cause harm to my heart my well being just by !! If you disappoint me disrespect me or hurt me its done . You lost you dot meet my needs your not benefiting and there’s to many many and women on this planet . Ill never waist my time on the wrong one . Ever again. I respect my self to much to put someone over me! And I stand by that now and forever!!!  The new be is bette then ever and its gong to take a hell of a person to change my relationship status . And that cool im honestly not even interested . I dont care to date or hang out or hook up or even have sexual contact with anyone . Im so content with me myself and this beautiful transition im goin through I just want to focus on me and my family and my health. Because this is what its all about. This is what living is. this is life. This is beauty . This is whats important. I feel like im living . And im happy and im only going to get better and better. Thank you god for this life and thank you for giving me the strength to turn the page and start a new chapter on life. I fully trust you and the processs. And that brings me back to “god will never leave you behind” I needed to learn all those things that all may mistakes have taught me . And god has a way of constantly bringing things back Into your life if it has not yet served its purpose or taught you what you needed to learn.  I see that now. Positive mind set is very powerful . Loving your self is amazing and living through god is the best thing you can do . I will always you tj and I will always in some way wish there was a me and you forever .but I cant ever betray my self like that again. That door is officially closed.  See I thought my life was over when you said our relationship was over. But really it had just begun. Everything happened for a reason exactly how its meant to happen . Losing you meant I could finally find my self. It just lit up the path .  God bless <3 no angry  im happy and im I accept this and I forgive my self and you . Life is so Beautiful .
Some one very wise once said … -Life is not about how much you hurt its about how much your willing to suffer. ~VP
Im not willing to suffer any longer.  Except it feel it and then forgive and move forward.
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burnt-tomato · 4 years
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aye aye my dude since you left me a writing request imma leave you one too: can you write a headcannon where they teach their s/o how to play volleyball? ( for suga and bokuto )
Damn someday I’ll spam your ask box with like 10 Akaashi requests lol
Hsgsgsgsggsgsgsg here’s your headcannons I won’t apologize anymore cuz I’ve told you like 69 times already that I write bad lmao
Fine I’ll be serious already geEZ
Sugawara
• This boy is a fuccin angel u cant tell me otherwise
• (It’s canon he’ll be a teacher lmao) he is amaZINg in teaching others nshcjdjbfjf
• He prioritizes your health fiRsT bc he’s suga what do u expect
• He wants you to be comfortable as much as possible
• Date him
• Is so daMn caring
• Gentle as fuck with you
• Snickers and laughs a little when you get hit in the face with the ball (“lol y/n you remind me of a certain teammate" *tsukki laughing*)
• He’s the type of guy- I mean teacher that’s comfortable to be with
• That’s it. That’s just it. He’s a amazing teacher. His instructions are so clear that the rest of the team are amazed as hell
• You started to believe you took him for granted jsbxjshd
• After that, he sets to you and you spike it he’s crying bc he’s so proud
• After that, the entire team begged him to teach them to especially kags and even tsukki asked for some advice ohgod
• When you won your first game ever with a team, he’s like a proud father (*coughcough* daddy- OMYGOD S T O P) wait… nevermind. Not proud father. Proud b0yfriend
Bokuto
• *screaming*
• The fact that someone wants to be taught by him, he taught, as just 👌👌
• His ego….. help him
•AAAAGKHHHSGHDHDGDHAAAAAASHCHGGHCHCIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
• When you asked him to teach you he got flattered (♤: I wonder what that looks like lmao)
• ♤: I honestly have no idea if he’ll make a good or bad teacher lmao bc u kno Bokuto S a fuccin crackhead but who knows? Maybe he’s actually smart or good in teaching but knowing bokuto I have doubts
• Shows off a lot and spikes in his top form to make himself cool (his teammates glaring at him lol)
• “hey y/n. Maybe you should come to our matches do bokuto would be in his top form more often! Or at least lower his chances of dejecting again" says every Fukurodani player
• You’re his motivation to do his best and you’re actually amazed bc who doesn’t except his own team
• Actually whenever you watch his team play he gets motivated al0t and shows off al0t, but the fact that you added with some “tEacH mE h0w t0 plAY”, he’s top form will just increase and he’ll show off more
• Although the way he teaches is kinda sloppy, cute tho (like how he describes his moves lol) so Akaashi has to translate his Owl language to human language.
• So far so good right? N o p e. At a random moment, when Akaashi tossed to him but he missed, He shot- trIED again, but he missed (ya get the vine ref? N o ? O h )
• BokutoEmoMode: activated
• Bokuto missed and missed and missed and missed and miss- ok I’ll stop. Akaashi took over teaching you bc Bokuto hid in the volleyball cart thingy (??) (♤:what do u call those lmao)
• Next day you came to his practice again. Embarrassed, he panicked and told Akaashi to tell you he wasn T there, but you saW, u just laughed and told him that you wanted to learn some tricks
• He’s happy
• Hella happy
• He’s jumping
• Ohgod he’s transforming into an owl and is going to fly away
• Akaashi catch him please
♤: yo this is like the 5th time I wrote this bc the first 4 times I posted it Tumblr didn't let me jsbdjd
♤: also it won't let me add photos lsnjxnx
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babes-and-baddies · 5 years
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I dont think it derails the argument because your argument is that she CANT be a hero anymore because she lost her quirk and you blame the hero society for it. however it could entirely have nothing to do with the hero society and everything to do with who she is as a person. it influences a lot of what you were saying because you have assumed she was effectively fired while jeanist is being forced back into it when that might not be the case at all.
My argument was that ANYONE WHO LOSES THIER QUIRK can’t be a hero anymore. I used Ragdoll as an example. An example, one. You’re def right that using her specifically wasn’t as effective, I personally feel Mirio would’ve been better given that he clearly wants to be a hero, and I realize that in hindsight. 
And I don’t think Best Jeanist was FORCED to go back! No more than All Might was forced, or Aizawa after USJ, or literally any hero with an injury. He probably did want to go back, but either way that’s besides the point. The point is that there was no concern for his going back, there was no indication that he should rest and prioritize his own health despite the fact that there were countless young hopefuls who could take over. In fact the reason I even find BJ’s case to be notable is that it, like Ragdoll, isn’t the only case of this happening. Again, he’s one example. All Might could’ve just as easily been used to make this point.
And oh shit thank you for asking me this because it made me have this thought process and wow the Toshinori vs Mirio comparison, OfA wielder and potential OfA wielder, holy shit thats something i HAVE to analyze later asdfrgth
But anyways considering I slapped that original post together in about 10 seconds thinking it would get 15 notes without having people would argue over it, I think that main point still got across, hopefully?
Yea sadfrgthyu I would def use Mirio instead of Ragdoll for arguments sake if I had to rewrite this tho. Still don’t see how it derails the argument. 
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crypticarus · 6 years
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yeah so because of recent events and all regarding sh/adam here comes this:
This is my last post on this topic.
Either way I tag them as #discourse from now on. I know I am personally very uncomfortable with discourse generally and this blog is dedicated to my art and I actually wanted to actively avoid any discourse. But this is a topic that hits closer to home I need to vent it out.
But mt opinion, long story short is: I pretty much despise Adam because he expected Shiro to choose Adam over his own happiness and so far hasnt done anything to redeem himself. Explanation under the cut.
So, as I mentioned in previous posts: fuck Adam. I'm not gonna dip any deeper into how I think Shiro deserves someone who will be able and happy to unconditionally support him and how I think that person is Keith and how much I love Sheith because of it. I'm not even gonna mention what Shiro deserves or Keith after this.
So, I watched episode 1 of the upcoming season and finally i feel better making a post about Adam now.
In the end, though, it didnt change anything on my previous opinion.
Adam's decision of not waiting for Shiro and leaving him because of the Kerberos mission and because he simply didnt have the mental energy to seeing someone he loves deeply suffer, is selfish but understandable. And there's nothing wrong in being selfish. Although even if obviously the stress people who have disabled beloved ones is nothing compared to what the disabled person has to go through, it doesnt change the fact that it's still stressful and everyone, whether disabled or not, has to decide for themselves what is best for their mental stability and health and if they want to put themselves through such stress or cant. Deciding that you cant doesnt make you evil. Wanting your loved ones to be safe and alive and well isn't wrong.
Still I cant go all "I love Adam!!!" and "he did nothing wrong!!" not because I'd be prioritizing Shiro anyway, but because of Adam's ultimatum and how Adam saw one option as the right and one as the wring one.
"Takashi, how important am I to you?". That's what Adam said. I dont remember how exactly Adam phrased it but after that he outright told Shiro that Shiro would have to choose between having Adam in his life or the Kerberos mission. Between someone who Shiro loved and wanted to be with for the rest of his life or a dream he obviously had devoted his whole life to, the dream of his life. Between Adam or winning the fight against his disability by not going down without a fight. Because we know that there was no hope for Shiro no matter how much he rests and all Shiro could do was decide what to do with his remaining time. (I have an idea of what Shiro's disease is, and if it is then I have some experience with it, which makes it all the more personal to me and makes me all the more angry at Adam and anyone who sides with him.)
And I know some people are okay with giving up their dreams or ambitions to be with their loved ones. Shiro obviously isnt that person though.
Shiro was disabled. Shiro knew it was a miracle he had come this far anyway despite his disease (Adam did say Shiro already broke all sorts of records) and he wanted to go further. He didnt want to stop already. To Shiro it probably felt like giving up to his illness if he had stopped. As a disabled person giving up to your illness is the ultimate defeat. Personally, I'd much rather die. Adam KNEW how much value the Kerberos mission had, that this is the last chance Shiro would get. Yes, it was a life-threatening mission, but Shiro would rather die than give up to his disability, or so it seems to me.
Think about what a miserable life that would be to Shiro. Think about how depressing that would be. Adam would rather see Shiro alive but miserable with no real chance of recovery than what? Dead? No, because no one would want Shiro as a pilot if they thought he wouldnt make it back alive enough and able enough to safely pilot them back. They wouldnt even have considered him, but obviously they did. So Adam would rather have Shiro in regret and miserable surrender for his last few years before the disability kicks in full than achieving his ambitions and being happy and proud. And all because of being selfish? All because ADAM didnt wanna be alone? I would get it if Adam's concern would be that Shiro wouldnt pilot them all back safely, but that obviously isnt Adam's real concern here if he starts iff1 with "Takashi how important am I to you?".
That's what rubs me so wrong with Adam, that's why I really hate him, to be honest. I'm not saying he's evil or a person you should hate and demonise. Adam is just human. But honestly? What does it tell me about you if you absolutely adore Adam after thats all we get from him and you think he did nothing wrong in wanting Shiro to give up his ambitions for him? What does it tell me about you that you'd want Shiro to come back to earth to Adam, who gave up on Shiro? That you'd want Shiro to regret leaving Adam, regret not giving up on himself? If you dont think Adam needs to apologise and redeem himself, if you think Shiro is in the one in the wrong-
If it weren't for the ultimatum, I wouldnt hate Adam. If Adam had just said he couldnt bear seeing Shiro suffer then I would let Adam go like that. If Adam had said he thought the mission is too risky and he couldnt bear waiting for Shiro to come back, I wouldnt judge Adam. If we meet Adam again and he apologises for his outburst to Shiro and means it, Adam redeems himself in my eyes. I still wont like him and I still dont think he's deserving of Shiro. I still wont want them to be together because I think if Adam didnt have the strength to be with Shiro with his disability until the end, then how can Adam be sure to be able to be with Shiro now that he's scarred (both literally and figuratively) from a galactic war Adam hadnt been there to experience and therefore couldnt ever truly comprehend the consequences of?
Adam isnt truly evil for what he said. Evil is a much stronger word I reserve for truly evil people. Because people say bad things under stress, say things they dont mean or regret, voice their thoughts in a wrong way all the time. Or sometimes they mean what they say but think better later, realise their mistakes and make things right. Stress does that to you. But owning up to it is what counts. Owning up to the consequences, owning up to people not liking you for that anymore or leaving you or outright avoiding you and despising you, that's what makes you a good person.
You can tell me all you want how Shiro should think about how his actions make other people feel. That he should have considered Adam's feelings and think twice about the Kerberos mission. Amd I hope he did. If not that was wrong of him too. But we all have to make our choices and decide when to be selfish or not. When to prioritise ourselves over other people. When you have to leave people for the sake of ourselves. Being selfish all the time is obviously not a good way to go, but leaving your life completely up to others and only living for other people's sake and be miserable for it isnt either. If you're going to live to make others happy then do it only if it actually does make you happy, too. Shiro wouldnt have been if he had. He knee that. Or maybe he would have been anyway, but neither decision would have been wrong of him.
Shiro risking his life to achieve his ambitions was part of his fight against his disability. It was part of not giving up. Adam couldnt respect that. He disrespected Shiro's struggles not by leaving Shiro but by forcing Shiro to choose between him, or winning that fight. Thats why I think Adam did something extremely wrong. I hate Adam because I hate people who prioritize themselves over people's recovery and happiness, expect people to, and then have the nerve to not even regret it.
In retrospect it wasnt really Adam giving an ultimatum to Shiro that was wrong. It was Adam expecting Shiro to choose him and get angry at Shiro for choosing his own happiness over Adam's.
Again, if Adam regrets it and owns up to, apologises, then I will hate him less. I will still dislike him, but I wont think he's a bad person. But so far that's not what we got and until we see that I wont think Adam did.
So miss me with all your pro-Adam and Sh/adam or A/dashi posts. Miss me with all the "voltron better end with a reunion and a wedding between them!". It makes me truly uncomfortable to see it. Im not bashin on the pairing either, you can ship whatever you like. I dont think people who like Adam or want him to get together with Shiro again are bad people because of that. I dont think people who understand and not dislike Adam because of his actions are either. I wont hate on people if they dont understand why this is my opinion or simply didnt take the step of spending all that much thought on the morality and seriousness of it. But man am I uncomfortable with people who take Adam's side.
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fitlifeblueprints · 3 years
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The 5 pillars of FitLife
Fit life is such a general statement. So much can apply to it. It is such a simple approach and yet so overcomplicated.
When we say that someone look or live fit, what we, exactly refer to. Do we address the health aspect, or we judge by the outside look? When we decide to take that approach, what we are, actually thinking to change.
Today I thought I would share with you, what is, in my opinion the right approach. What I realize with the years of mistake and growth. I am going to list the steps that each person who finally decided to change his/her life should check, in order to achieve optimum health, permanent results, and as a side effect, good looking body.
Without further ado, let’s get started.
1. Prioritize sleep.
It is by far the most important pillar of health. The most underestimated tool for performance. The reason for so many accidents and diseases. The free supplement, people neglect in their arsenal. The ultimate recovery tool.
Our body is constantly exposed to damage. We think, create, move, work, train. We are constantly testing our physical abilities. We are constantly using or body resources and grinding the materials by just simply living. Night is the time to rest and recover. When we sleep, we rebuild the damaged tissue, make it stronger and more resilient.
I will give you an example:
Few months ago, I was learning the handstand. I was strong enough to hold it against the wall, but I was struggling a lot with the balance. I tried so many stuff. Training modalities, consistency, metronome for counting. And the furthest I got, was 10 sec of hold.
At that time, I happened to be reading the book “Why we sleep” by Dr. Matt Walker. One of the most eye opener for me personally. Such an interesting read. Did you know that lack of sleep is the number one cause of car accidents? Mind-blowing, right? Well I decided to test it and priorities my sleep. Yes, that meant no more Netflix and popcorn at night. No artificial or bright light and not eating around 2 hours before bed. I simply developed a routine that allowed me to have quantity (at least 7 to 8 hours) and quality (allowing my body to secrete melatonin) sleep.
As a result. 3 days later I held the handstand for whole 20 sec. That blew my mind.
It is not going to fix all your health problems, but it is worth trying. It is simple to manipulate. Trust me, you will be surprised.
2. Food intake.
As we already know, our body is constantly damaging and repairing itself. During rest we recover and rebuild, but we need the building blocks to do so. Let me ask you something. If you have the best engineers and machines on earth, but no bricks and cement, will you ever be able to build a house? And If you have the wrong size bricks and poor-quality cement, how strong is that house going to be?
See, food is the main source of energy and we must prioritize it too. Nowadays we have access to so much, I can’t even call it food, products which are full of toxins, preservatives, chemicals and what not. And all, to make it more palatable, have longer shelf life and be convenient. No surprise though. The industry must make tons of money after all. But all those bad quality foods-like products are fooling the society and are making that incredible machine called human body to function not as intended. To function with dis-ease.
There are thousands of recipes for a super tasty, delicious meals. And you can be creative too. Add your favorite spices, favorite sources of food, customize your cultural dishes to a healthier option and enjoy it.
And here is a perfect place to add something that I will be diving deeper in another blog, and that is the restriction part. Rather than restricting, learn how to not overindulge. In other words, when a colleague of yours ask you to go to the bakery for some chocolate desert, instead of saying “I cant have it”, learn to say I don’t want it, because… . There is time and place for everything, and everything in excess is bad.
3. Movement
There is no doubt at the phrase: Movement provides energy. When we move, every single cell in our body moves too and create electrical current signals. Have you ever felt sleepy and after a friend forced you to move or to stand up, you instantly get excited and the tiredness went away? Do a little test. Next time you are doing something stationary for longer and you feel tired, just count to 3, stand up and do some movements. Jumping, squatting, push ups, or even a short walk. It is simple. If we don’t move, we do not provide electricity, without electricity we have no energy, without energy, there is no life.
There is the other end of the movement, where people move so much, usually by training, so they overtrain. See, our body recovers at a certain state, with certain speed and has a limit to it. if we exceed the ability of our body to recover, in other words, on a regular basis, we damage more than we recover, we will end up degenerating.
I am going to dive deeper in another blog, but I want to quickly address the activity dislikes.
Activity does not have to be at the gym, lifting for the sake of it or running on the track, because your neighbor does it and he had managed to drop 20 kg for 1 year. Activity must be your preferred way of movement. There are so many sports that you can practice. Swimming, jumping rope, climbing, running, walking, cycling, dancing, moving objects, doing exercises with your body weight. List is so long. Try stuff, find your own thing and be active, because you like it, in order to be healthy. Fall in love with the process. Get better at that craft. Live happily.
4. Be happy.
If you don’t know what makes you happy, how are you going to know when happiness arrives.
Today`s days we are constantly running. Running towards stuff that we are thought to believe will give us happiness. We believe that more money, more possessions, more success will give us what we have ultimately wanted.
The sad truth is that most of the time we are fouled by our ego. See every time we are insulted, being laughed at, criticized, or even simply tease by someone, the ego kicks in.
It is the ultimate motivator. It is the voice in the back of our head saying “I will prove them wrong. It is, when your friend teased you, about how bad bartender you are, so you spent the next 4 years becoming the best bartender in the area, instead following your true desire – psychology. Sound familiar?
And what changed? We are so drowned into what we should, and should not do, where we should stay in the society, so we forget our own needs and believes. We push and push hard to prove someone, or ourselves and when we get to the destination, we suddenly realize that nothing changed. Everything Is the same, people still judge us, but now about something else. The only thing that changed – 4 years gone.
The point I am trying to make is that we should really take a step back, slow down and assess, what we truly want. Dance, sing, climb, study java script…, whatever. Reassessing the core values in our life which have been the bricks for the house we have been building.
We are constantly searching for the happiness, we truly desire, but are we pursuing the right one?
5. Be aware of your body needs.
The last, but not least is to be aware. To be present. To be able to know the reason for the condition we are in. Why am I feeling this way? Why I have this pain, why am I bloated, why I have no energy, why am I so moody today.
Almost all our health problems are result of the way we live. We are so drowned in today`s modern life, that we simply live on autopilot. We do not listen to our body. And the beauty of it is to learn to differ the signals. What does my body want? What does my body need?
If your grandma made your favorite cream dessert, which makes your mouth wet, just by thinking of it. Well maybe you can just taste a small piece and leave another one for tomorrow, instead of eating half of it and feeling heavy, bloated and tired the next day.
If your hips and lower back are fried form the heave deadlifts yesterday, but you just watched the legend Ronnie Coleman squatting for reps with 800 lb (360 kg), you get super motivated and want to go and smash your next PB. Well, may be that is not exactly what your body needs. You can do some hips and lower back mobility instead.
Being aware, simply mean to be accountable. This is where growth happens and therefore permanent life changes.
Instead of blaming the situation, the people around, the government, god, the universe. Have a look at the way you live your life. There might be a room for improvement.
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kiradotexe · 6 years
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today was uhhhhh interesting. i wanted to like write about it because it was kind of weird but it will probably be long because a lot happened. 
first off when rika when i were shopping we stopped by mcdonalds for lunch and there was this elderly woman who started flat out screaming when the staff accidentally through away her coffee. she wasnt making any sense and was yelling and cursing and even when given a second coffee she was yelling about it because it was fizzy (????) and she hated it and the first one was better. she was screaming about brexit and to pretty much no one in particular until like the staff tried to help. she got super pissed off about the coffee and eventually threw it against the wall saying something like “your coffee is shit, so you can clean it up” which is super rude. and proceeded to shout at one of the poor employees (she called her a lesbian for some reason and she obviously meant it to be mean, but still a strange choice for insult). and when we were leaving she was still going at it and i had to ask if the girl was all right so as we were passing i made sure. she looked like she was holding it together just fine but that was just strange. 
its sad that the care for the elderly isnt more prioritized in this country cause there are a lot of ppl like this woman who should be getting help but cant afford it and so theyre just left to fend for themselves in society. its sad to see them all alone and also very uncomfortable to be on the other side of their rage.
the second thing that happened really should be minor, but being me i take everything to heart and it always hurts me. we were walking up the street and i hear a group of teenagers behind us and it feels like they are wanting to pass but its kind of narrow. they go around us and this blonde girl turns around and literally sneers at us and says “you know you dont have to walk that slow”. she was just saying it to try and be cool in front of her friends.
problem is, my slow walking pace is one of my biggest insecurities. because of my health problems and decreased muscle strength i cant walk much faster than i manage to do. i get easily fatigued just from walking (and this was a hill as well). and all my friends my age tend to walk faster than me (if theyre in a large group they sometimes leave me behind by accident). i sometimes walk with a limp when my knees are hurting but i’m always slower than average. my friends when they are with me dont seem to mind adjusting to my pace but it sucks to have it pointed out like that. ive never really had people just be blatantly mean to my face like that and it was definitely jarring. the kinda shit my anxiety will play back for me for probably the next decade. i know it shouldnt mean anything and they were just being mean because they want to look cool or they think its funny. but it does hurt.
and the third thing was the worst, but im glad i wasnt alone. after seeing deadpool (it was very good and enjoyable :D) and saying goodbye to rika, my brother walked me to the bus stop so we could wait for it to come. he will usually wait with me if its after dark because hes good like that. its around 10:30 at this point on a saturday and around here it starts to get quite loud and rowdy with drunk ppl starting to go to clubs and be obnoxious. these four guys get out of a taxi, very obviously drunk, just yelling and singing really loud. and they light up cigarettes and are waiting for one of them to roll his (i honestly dont understand why ppl roll their own, but i know nothing about smoking its gross). theyre loud and trying to get a rise out of us and i stupidly make eye contact with one of them and he like, looks at me and then says something along the lines of “youre actually quite sexy” and i freeze up. i know i look visually uncomfortable because he says “you look upset but i know you want it” (horrifying words) and i dont remember what he said after that but he asks if my brother is my boyfriend. i do some quick mental math, and deduced that these are the type of guys that respect “another man’s woman” more than the woman herself and were less likely to be harmful if i said he was. so i did which is weird in itself because hes my brother, but it was obviously the right call. cause then they direct their attention to my brother who is silent and not giving them anything. they try to like bait him and say a ton of nasty sexual stuff about me, but he still doesnt say anything just kind of stares them down. they try to resort to insulting him and calling him the f slur and making fun of him. but he still just cooly stares them down and the guy that was rolling his cigarette finally finished that and they fuck off to who knows where i feel bad for that establishment. i was kind of shaken, almost to the point of tears, but not quite because he was there. we talk about it, about the psychology behind it and that kind of stuff and he says how it makes his blood boil to hear that kind of stuff but he knows that answering them is just giving them what they want and that they will leave if you dont answer them because they will get bored. anyway im very grateful that he was there because i dont want to think about what that would have been like if i were alone. him being able to keep his head and stay calm was really good and i was so relieved when they left us alone. its just kind of a shocking experience because thats the first time ive had such nasty sexual talk directed at me. like sure ive experienced some other stuff like that but nothing quite so graphic and it was vulgar and would have been extremely upsetting if i hadnt had my brother. hes really one of my best friends and im so glad hes here.
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ebenpink · 5 years
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“Help! My client is in love with me!” How to establish boundaries in your coaching practice—and avoid all kinds of nasty situations. https://ift.tt/2ImLxO9
What do you do when your fitness client asks you out for a drink? Or texts you at 2am? Or slightly recoils from your touch during an assessment? When you’re a health professional working closely with people who need your help, things can occasionally get awkward. Use this guide to set professional boundaries, while still creating a trusting coach-client relationship.
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The details: A Precision Nutrition Certified coach—we’ll call her Sue—reached out to our private Facebook group for advice on a serious problem. Her client, also a coworker, had developed feelings for her.
Sue didn’t feel the same way.
She cared about this client and his goals. He’d already lost 50 pounds with her help.
But she didn’t want to be a caregiver or caretaker. His behavior had become an emotional drain.
When Sue tried to distance herself from the client, he lashed out and became self-destructive. His health habits regressed, and he went back to emotional eating.
As a coaching professional, Sue understood the dynamics. She knew the client’s reliance on her had become unhealthy. And she recognized that she herself was becoming more and more distressed.
Understandably, she felt stuck.
She’d have to confront difficult feelings: The client would be upset.
He’d regress: Asking him to change his behavior would cause a health-damaging backslide.
She was also caught in conflicting close relationships: They work together every day.
Tricky situations like Sue’s are very common in health and fitness coaching.
Yet while therapists, psychologists, and doctors are formally trained to navigate the boundary issues that arise in client-practitioner relationships, fitness professionals often aren’t.
So consider this your crash course for conduct, complete with practical tools you can use now, no matter how where you are in your career.
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The relationship between a client and a health practitioner is inherently intimate.
This is true whether you’re a strength coach, a group fitness trainer, a psychologist, a massage therapist, or a yoga instructor.
Deep feelings are discussed. Bodies are touched.
It’s “closeness,” even if it’s not romantic closeness.
As a result of this intimacy, it’s quite common (and natural) for coaches or clients to develop feelings (negative or positive) for each other. Feelings of friendship, tenderness, protectiveness, jealousy, anger, and/or frustration spill into the professional arrangement.
Without honesty, clear expectations, and mature, open communication, stuff gets messy.
Defining and upholding proper boundaries ensures that feelings don’t confuse the ultimate goal: to help the client achieve his or her health goals through self-empowered action.
When we don’t have well-defined and well-communicated roles, everyone is kinda standing around wondering, “What am I allowed to do here? And how are we supposed to interact?”
Anxieties, frustrations, and old hurts emerge, often vaguely and vexingly, and we feel pushed and pulled in many directions.
That’s why we need boundaries.
Boundaries are the invisible lines of division between the service provider and the client or patient, the social (and sometimes physical) norms and practices that define:
who is playing what role (e.g. who is coach and who is client);
what those roles involve (e.g. who provides direction and how); and
what the limits of that professional relationship are (e.g. how available the coach is for the client, or what’s discussed in sessions).
Good boundaries mean that clients:
feel safe and secure with their coaches, trusting they’ll act in their best interests.
understand the care a coach shows is the universal care of an invested, compassionate professional, and not a sign of romantic interest (or some other attachment).
are obligated to show up maturely and responsibly; to regulate their emotions, own their behaviors, and be consistent.
Good boundaries mean that coaches:
avoid ethical breaches or working outside of our scope of practice.
don’t take on more than our share of responsibility for client progress and change.
show our clients clearly who is doing what, when, and how.
recognize the potential power imbalance that is part of coaching, and respect our clients as autonomous individuals.
With clear boundaries, we have fewer misunderstandings and awkward situations.
Which is always good.
With well-defined, strong, healthy boundaries, our “emotional bank account” is freed up to invest in a robust coaching relationship that keeps us as coaches safe and sane, while helping clients reach their goals.
Appropriate behavior is context-dependent.
There’s a green zone: Totally cool almost all of the time. Like smiling and making eye contact as you greet a client.
There are “gray zones”: A little more blurry, and depends on the context and nature of the relationship. Like hugging a client after they just did their first pullup.
And there’s a red zone: Definitely—and always—a hard “no.” Like, “Don’t steal from clients” seems pretty intuitive.
But in real life, boundaries aren’t one-size-fits-all.
Therefore (and to make things more complex), the same action can be “green” with one client and “red” with another.
With a client you have a secure, trusting relationship with, it might be totally cool to exchange the odd gift.
But that newer client you suspect might be crushing on you? Exchanging gifts may send the wrong message and confuse the purpose of the relationship.
Context is everything.
With more experience, trust, and maturity you have more freedom—to get close, to joke, potentially to do or say “inappropriate” things.
With relationships that are newer, more fraught or confused, play by stricter rules.
In terms of ethical codes, health and fitness coaching is a little late to the party.
Other fields of service provision, such as psychology or social work, have clear codes of ethics they abide by.
Many mental and physical health care service providers receive ethics training as part of their certification, but coaches often don’t.
Yet part of your job as a coach is to behave ethically, which includes defining and maintaining clear boundaries.
So Precision Nutrition wrote its own Code of Ethics for the coaches we certify.
You can start with our Code of Ethics as a template, and add to it as you wish, according to your own value system, and the nuances of your practice.
PN Coaching Certification Code of Ethics
In your professional role as a coach:
Act in the client’s best interest. Prioritize their wellbeing, safety, values, goals, and comfort where possible.
Respect the worth and dignity of the clients you serve. Treat all clients with professional courtesy, compassion, and care.
Protect your clients’ privacy and confidentiality. This includes that you:
Follow standard data security protocols, such as protecting your personal logins and storing client data securely.
Be careful what you discuss about clients, and with whom.
Do not disclose personal or identifying details of clients.
Ask permission before sharing anything on social media.
Act with integrity. Make yourself worthy of your clients’ respect and trust. Don’t exploit your clients, financially or otherwise. Don’t seek personal gain from your client relationship (beyond your coaching fees, obviously).
Act with objectivity. Know the rules, regulations, and procedures expected of you, and follow them equitably and appropriately for each client.
Set clear, accurate, and reasonable expectations. Define the terms of the coaching arrangement (e.g. payment, frequency of meeting, how coaching works, etc.) immediately and reinforce them often. Be upfront about what results the client can realistically expect to see.
Have clear professional boundaries. Avoid multiple relationships (e.g. coaching friends or family members; becoming friends with clients) where possible. If you must have multiple relationships, recognize the inherent power imbalance in coaching, and be very clear what hat you’re wearing in a given situation.
Know the limits of your skills and scope of practice. If you can’t serve a client for reasons of ethics or expertise, refer them to another coach and/or care provider if possible.
Keep your skills current. Pursue professional competence, excellence, and mastery. Seek to be a credit to your profession.
8 tools to define boundaries in your coaching practice.
For coaches, there are lots of ways identify, establish, and maintain boundaries in your professional practice. We’ve got 8 to get you started.
The more tools you use, the more clear, comfortable, and secure your relationships will be.
Plus, less awkward situations.
1. Pay attention to your “emotional radar.”
Often, when boundaries get pushed (or trampled on), your body will tell you.
For example, you might notice that around a certain client, you feel tense, “icky,” or even repelled.
If you observe those sensations, check in with yourself.
Are roles defined and contracts clear?
Are you being asked to do things (either implicitly or explicitly) that make you feel uncomfortable?
Are you being exposed to some “TMI” material, either through the content of your client’s words, or images they sent to you?
If you can identify what’s bothering you, work to fix the situation:
Model appropriate behavior.
Communicate clearly, assertively, and maturely. (Keep reading for ideas on how to do this.)
Inform others about your boundaries and expectations for the working relationship. Don’t assume people “should just know” what appropriate behavior is. They might not.
2. Use body language to manage the space between you and your clients.
We “say” a lot without actually saying it.
Humans have a sort of sixth sense when it comes to expressing and reading body language. What we do with our bodies, and what others do, is worth a thousand words.
That means you can actually use your body as a tool to shape the coach-client relationship.
You can use your nonverbal cues to steer or “lead” clients.
For example, if a client is getting a little too close, you can lean or step back a little to increase the distance between you, or put an object between you (such as a desk or bench).
Without using words, this suggests, “This is a better amount of space between us.”
Other times, you may want to encourage closeness.
One simple way to do this is by “mirroring” your clients’ movements (subtly), and making eye contact. This demonstrates your attention and presence, and can foster a feeling of connection.
To convey confidence and authority, stand or sit tall, with good, but relatively relaxed posture. You’ll look like someone worth respecting and listening to.
3. Use your voice to show the right balance of care and authority.
Voices are powerful.
Your voice can command, cajole, calm, or control—and it can help you set and maintain boundaries too.
Generally, a warm, yet professional tone will signify interest and authority.
Speak clearly at a moderate pace, and unless you’re actually asking a question, be careful of a tendency to use a rising tone at the end of a sentence. (Which will make everything sound like a question? And it’ll imply that you don’t need to be taken seriously?)
Match your voice volume and cadence to your client’s to show attunement.
You can also use your voice to steer someone gently if you feel things should be going in a different direction: talking slower and lower to a client who’s gotten worked up and is talking fast and loud; speaking gently to a client who’s intimidated, scared, or defensive; or speaking firmly and clearly to a client who’s gotten a little too… friendly.
4. Write like a pro.
Even if your main jam is one-on-one sessions with clients, talking in an office or on a gym floor, you’ll probably do a fair bit of writing too: in emails or texts, handouts, contracts, and signs on the wall.
Your professional image is reflected in your writing, so cover the basics: Use proper punctuation, check your spelling, and get your message across clearly and concisely.
Make sure signs are clearly displayed and contracts are reviewed and understood, ideally before you begin your coaching relationship.
Signs and contracts tell clients what to expect, what their responsibilities are, and what you’re here for (and not here for). Articulate this up front, and you’ll have fewer problems later.
5. Make informed consent an ongoing conversation.
If you’ve ever joined a gym, had a massage, received psychotherapy, or joined a sports team, you might have had to go through some kind of informed consent and waiver-signing process.
An informed consent form usually covers things like scope of services and liability, and the potential risks to clients. It’s a good idea for every coaching practice to have one.
But it doesn’t have to stop there.
If made an ongoing conversation, the informed consent process can be an awesome, useful tool that helps define boundaries and helps clients feel heard, respected, and comforted.
Check in with your client on consent topics every few weeks. You can organize the conversation around themes like:
What’s happening for you as a client right now? Can you give me a “status update” about how you feel / think about our process, or your current situation?
Are you OK with what’s happening now? Does this match what you expected or wanted? Would you feel more comfortable doing something differently?
Do you understand what’s happening now? Do you as a client, comprehend why we’re doing something, and/or what the risks and benefits are? Do you understand how this activity connects to your goals?
Do you want to continue in this direction? Or do you need a break? Informed consent includes the client knowing that they have the right to say no to anything the coach proposes.
6. Protect your time.
Pop quiz: If a client texts you at 2am, do you respond?
Clients may email, text, or even call at all hours of the day or night. While you can have your business hours clearly displayed on your website, contracts, or signs around your office, clients may still pop in when it’s convenient for them.
That’s OK. (So long as they’re not banging on the door of your personal home at midnight. That’s “red zone” material.)
When and how quickly you respond to clients signals to them what you will accept, and what they should expect.
For example, if you start answering emails at 10:30 at night, a client may expect you to be available during those hours. If you always respond to texts within three minutes, a client may expect nearly immediate answers from you.
You get to decide what your boundaries are here, and what you’re comfortable with. If you don’t want your evenings to be crowded out by client emails, then turn the computer off before dinner, and respond to them in the morning.
Similarly, you get to set the tone for how time is spent during your in-person time with clients.
If a client is consistently late or missing appointments, or if they keep directing the conversation to who they went out with on the weekend instead of how their food journaling went, then it’s your job to gently but firmly call them out.
Sometimes an adult conversation needs to happen.
Like:
“Hey, I’ve noticed that you’ve been 20 minutes late for the last three appointments. Is this still a good time for you? If it is, let’s agree to start our session on time so we don’t have to cut into your appointment time.”
Or:
“It sounds like you had a fun weekend! But hey, I’d love to talk about your nutrition. I know one of your goals is to eat better, and I’m curious to know about how you’ve been doing. The more we focus our conversation, the better we can get both of our needs met.”
Approach these conversations as if you and your client are on the same team, rather than adversaries. Be friendly, and focus on the win you both want!
7. Dress sharp.
One perk of being a coach: You get to dress comfy!
One downside of being a coach: You get to dress comfy! Which means that sometimes, it’s hard to know what looks appropriate and also helps you demonstrate a squat or run a few agility ladders.
However, if you choose carefully, you can convey professionalism in athletic gear.
If you look professional, your clients will be less likely to treat you as a buddy or a potential hookup, and more likely to treat you as, well, a professional.
Make sure your clothes are clean and well-maintained, and that all your, um, parts are contained.
Your dress should also be appropriate to your environment. If you work at a gym, gym clothes are good. If you work in an office, “business casual” is likely the better dress code.
8. If physical contact is necessary, check in with your client’s experience of it often.
If you’re a personal trainer, massage therapist, yoga teacher, chiropractor, etc., body work is part of your job.
Make sure to have clients sign a form that provides consent to touch.
Even with contracts signed and squared off, always ask your clients for permission before you touch them, especially in potentially awkward or vulnerable areas. (This is especially important in situations where touch could be misinterpreted—for instance, a male personal trainer touching a female client’s glutes.)
If you’re a coach, here’s a handy checklist for considering boundaries when touching your client.
Does touching my client make sense in the context of our professional relationship? Am I, for example, a massage therapist or personal trainer legitimately touching my client in particular ways?
Does touching my client raise any issues given our social identities? That’s a fancy way of saying who are you, and who are they? Are you male, female, older, younger, the coach, the client (and so on)?
Does touching my client make sense in a cultural or social context? Different cultures have different norms on touch. And “culture” can be anything. For instance, your local MMA gym may consider it perfectly normal to choke someone with your thighs… but that’s not a good look at your average gym.
What are the benefits to touching my client? Am I helping teach them an exercise, giving them useful feedback, creating a genuine personal connection, and/or calming them?
What are the potential risks to touching my client? Might I be invading their boundaries, making them feel less comfortable, or sending signals that could be misinterpreted?
What are my motivations for touching my client? Is this to benefit them, or me?
Do I know my client’s personal history or level of comfort with touch? Some people have a history of physical or sexual abuse, or simply aren’t that comfortable being touched. Since you likely don’t know all clients’ personal details, start by assuming your client may have some kind of discomfort with touching. Proceed slowly with caution and assess their comfort as you go.
How am I letting my client know what to expect? A simple way to judge comfort is just to announce, then ask. For example, “I’m going to put my hand just underneath your left armpit to feel if your lat muscles are engaged. Is that OK?”
What feedback am I getting? Read body language, and ask. If your client gives you a hearty handshake with a bro-back-slap while making eye contact and smiling, you’re probably good to do the same. If you hug them and they shrink back or go rigid, quit hugging them.
Have alternatives handy. If you’re trying to give a client proprioceptive feedback, you can often use some neutral object (like having their butt hit a wall when you’re teaching a hip hinge). If hugging is a no, you may be able to do a less-threatening touch of the upper arm, or just work your smile and wave game.
And this should go without saying, but we’re gonna say it anyway:
For heaven’s sake, don’t touch your clients inappropriately. If you don’t know what constitutes consent or assault, educate yourself.
What to do next
When your “boundary radar” goes off, pay attention.
Don’t wait or avoid a situation that’s bothering you.
If you do, it’ll often get worse.
Prevention is the best option here, but if that hasn’t worked, then sometimes you’ll need to deal directly with an uncomfortable situation.
If possible, prepare documentation—such as emails, text messages, or a written summary of what happened from your perspective—or discussion topics in advance, and consider your overall strategy before having a difficult conversation.
Remember: You never have to work with someone who’s abusive, aggressive, or otherwise violates your boundaries.
Whether it’s a persistent series of misunderstandings and misalignments; someone who constantly gives you the “ugh” or “uh-oh” feeling; or outright harassment, you never have to tolerate a physically or psychologically harmful situation.
Get out or refer out.
Want strategies to level up your coaching?
It’s no secret that master coaches develop over time, through education and consistent practice, usually under the guidance of a mentor or coach.
Precision Nutrition is the only company in the world that both works with thousands of our own nutrition coaching clients and teaches health, fitness, and wellness professionals our real-world methods for getting results.
And here’s some great news: Our next Precision Nutrition Level 2 Certification Master Class kicks off on Wednesday, April 3rd, 2019.
Want to achieve total confidence in your coaching skills? Get (and keep) more clients? Grow and strengthen your practice? If so, the Precision Nutrition Level 2 Certification is definitely for you.
It’s designed specifically for Level 1 students and grads who realize that knowing about the science of nutrition isn’t enough.
Part master class, part grad program, part mentorship, it’s the only course in the world designed to help you master the art of coaching, meaning better results for your clients and a better practice for you.
Since we only take a limited number of professionals, and since the program sells out every time, I strongly recommend you add your name to our VIP List below. When you do, you get the chance to sign up 24 hours before everyone else. Even better, you get a huge discount off the general price of the program.
[Note: The Level 2 Master Class is only for students and grads of our Level 1 Certification. So if you haven’t yet enrolled in that program, please begin there.]
Interested? Add your name to the VIP list. You’ll save up to 37% and secure your spot 24 hours before everyone else.
We’ll be opening up spots in our next Precision Nutrition Level 2 Certification Master Class on Wednesday, April 3rd.
If you want to find out more, we’ve set up the following VIP list which gives you two advantages.
Pay less than everyone else. We like to reward people who are eager to get started and ready to gain mastery in their coaching practice. So we’re offering a discount of up to 37% off the general price when you sign up for the Master Class VIP list.
Sign up 24 hours before the general public and increase your chances of getting a spot. We only open the PN Master Class twice per year. Due to high demand and a very limited number of spots, we expect it to sell out fast. But when you sign up for the Master Class VIP list, we’ll give you the opportunity to register a full 24 hours before anyone else.
If you’re ready to take the next step in becoming a world-class coach, we’re ready to share our knowledge and help you master the art of coaching.
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References
Click here to view the information sources referenced in this article.
Canadian Counselling and Psychotherapy Association. (2015). Standards of Practice (5th ed.) [PDF file]. Ottawa, ON. Retrieved from https://www.ccpa-accp.ca/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/StandardsOfPractice_en_June2015.pdf
Canadian Association of Social Workers. (2005). Code of Ethics [PDF file]. Retrieved from https://www.casw-acts.ca/sites/default/files/documents/casw_code_of_ethics.pdf
Bryson, Sandy. Understanding Professional Boundaries [PDF file]. Retrieved from https://www.dsc.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/Understanding-Professional-Boundaries.pdf
The post “Help! My client is in love with me!” How to establish boundaries in your coaching practice—and avoid all kinds of nasty situations. appeared first on Precision Nutrition.
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