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chickensarentcheap · 3 years

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Never Gonna Be Alone- Chapter 19

Title: Control

Warnings: profanity

Tagging: @innerpaperexpertcloud, @tragiclyhip, @miss-smutty, @c-a-v-a-l-r-y, @alievans007

“What the fuck is she doing here?”

They converse in harsh whispers as they seek refuge in the pantry. Using the excuse of wanting to prepare food and drink for their unwanted and unwelcome guests and then leaving them in the living room. They’ve been bickering back and forth for half an hour; arguing about the Sarge’s appreciation and approval of chosen furniture and decor and Michelle’s distaste of the ‘mix mash’ of colours and themes on the Christmas tree. Her voice is enough to drive Tyler over the edge. The way it picks up in both pitch and volume when she’s vehemently defending even the most pointless or ridiculous of things, the Midwestern twang that becomes stronger and more noticeable the more annoyed she becomes, the constant tinge of self righteousness and condescension. She’s the classic narcissistic; infamous for her staggering gift of gaslighting and her ability to make herself seem like the victim despite being the quintessential bully and walking definition of ‘mommy dearest’. Through the five years they’d spent in Colorado, he’d tried his best to ‘mend fences’; extending the olive branch a handful of times in hopes of helping to both repair the relationship between mother and daughter, and create a bond between Michelle and her grandchildren.

They HAD reached a somewhat peaceful agreement; she’d attempt to tone down her hatred towards him and at least try and treat her daughter like a fully functioning adult instead of a hopeless, hapless child. But it had lasted all of three weeks; his involvement with Michael McMann and the subsequent threats against his family only caused the woman’s spite and hatred for him to grow. After that, she’d vowed to never forgive him for putting her daughter and grandkids in danger, and double downed on her belief that he ‘stole’ Esme away and somehow bullied and intimidated her into not only marrying him and giving him children, but returning to Australia. She refused to accept any responsibility for either her daughter’s struggles with mental illness or her horrible self esteem, and placed the blame solely on Esme’s shoulders; calling her weak and pathetic and insisting that she had married a horrifically abusive man and was simply too scared to leave him. He WAS a mercenary after all; he brutalized and killed people for a living. He was an alcoholic and drug addict; his brain unstable and volatile. His involvement in the job immediately made him a threat; he was strong and big and capable of tremendous and painful bloodshed. What would stop him from inflicting damage -or even death- on her?

“How the hell would I know? I’m just as shocked as you are. Not to mention totally embarrassed. My mother and step father know what we were up to; before you answered the door. I didn’t have any pants on! Just your shirt! They heard me talking about how you destroyed my underwear! Not to mention you’re not wearing a shirt and your back and ribs are clawed to shit and you’ve got the whole ‘just got fucked’ messy hair going on. Do you know humiliating this is?”

“I’m pretty sure they know we have sex. We have seven kids. I don’t think they’re going to be surprised that we fuck. For fun. Not just for procreating.”

“It’s one thing for them to know we have it, but it’s another thing for them to know we JUST had it. How the hell am I supposed to keep a straight face around them? When they know I just got done getting railed?”

“Imagine if they knew you got railed TWICE. And besides, us fucking? Them knowing it? That’s the least of our problems. Your mother...who I fucking hate more than I have ever hated anyone OTHER than my old man...just showed up on our goddamn doorstep. And she’s planning on staying.”

“Well, Sarge did say they’re staying at a hotel.”

Tyler’s eyes narrow. “That’s not what I fucking meant and you know it. But you know what? They’re damn lucky they DID get one. Because there was no way in hell I’d let them stay here. I’d pay for the hotel myself. What the hell, Esme? Why are they here? Did you know they were going to do this?”

“I never would have invited them here. And even if they HAD mentioned they were coming, I would have told you. I don’t want them here anymore than you do. I’m not the one blame for this.”

“I told you to call her back. Or text her. When it became clear that she wasn’t satisfied with your ‘thank you’ email and started messaging you and calling you, THAT was your chance. You should have got some fucking balls about you and talked to her. Did I not tell you? To get in contact with her? To avoid her escalating? Did I NOT say that?”

“You did,” she admits. “You DID say that. And I should have listened to you. I WAS going to call her.”

“After Christmas. When we got home. You should have done it days ago; when she started calling at all hours of the goddamn day. Did you really think she’d stop? That she WOULDN’T escalate? You know her. You know how fucked up she is. What did you think was going to happen when you kept avoiding her?”

“Not this!” She wildly gestures with both arms in the direction of the living room. “I didn’t know she’d just show up! There’s no way I could have known that. She always has a big thing at Christmas. It’s her chance to look perfect and come across as the most amazing mother and hostess ever. I didn’t think she’d ever give up the opportunity to do THAT. And why are you mad at me? This isn’t my fault!”

“You know what? It is. Because I told you to call her. So she’d stop her shit and leave us alone. And now look! She’s sitting in our fucking living room. On Christmas Eve. And how the hell did she even know our address? How did she know where we live? You can’t look it up on the internet; I made sure of that. So some asshole wanting a piece of me wouldn’t come after my family.”

“I don’t know how she found out. Someone must have given it to her.”

“Who would know? Riley? Riley would tell her to go fuck herself.”

“Maybe Riley told her dad and he let it slip somehow. I don’t know, Tyler. I don’t know HOW she found out. And yeah, maybe I should have grown a set and talked to her. My bad. But you being pissed at me is NOT helping. We need to be in this together. Not fighting and tearing each other apart.”

“I’m about five minutes away from totally losing my shit. You know what the last two days have been like. How I’ve been struggling. And now she’s here? If she ever wanted to give me a psychotic break, this would be her perfect chance. Just watch the son in law completely snap; prove to everyone just how big of a fuck up he really is.”

“You are NOT a fuck up. You never have been! And I know you’re struggling. I’m the one going through it WITH you. Do you think I wanted this? Do you think I want her here? That is the last thing I want! But she IS here. And there’s nothing we can do about it other than suck it up and get through this together! And you snapping on me is NOT helping! I’m not the enemy, Tyler!”

“I never said you were. I’m just saying that…”

His words trail off as his attempts at damage control are ignored. Her petite frame intentionally bumping into him as she steps away; frowning when he tries to grab hold of her wrist and she aggressively yanks her hand away. He chooses 'peace keeping' in favour of escalation; giving them both of a chance to cool down. And he leans against the back of the pantry door, arms crossed over his chest as he watches her furtive search for something to feed their surprise visitors. The shelves are packed; extremely well stocked and organized. And while they bear a wide assortment of goods, she hastily rummages through things as if there’s nothing suitable; tears welling in her eyes and her entire body tense and her hands shaking. And suddenly he no longer sees a grown woman in front of him; the love of his life, his spouse, the mother of his children. She’s been replaced by a desperate and broken little girl so hell bent on trying to impress her mother; driving herself to the brink of panic and anxiety trying to prove herself worthy to a woman that would rather she’d never been born. And it’s far more painful than any of his own issues; an ache that claws at his heart and forms a deep, empty pit in his stomach.

“I’m sorry." Stepping behind her, he lays his hands on her shoulders and presses a kiss to the back of her head. “I didn’t mean to snap at you. I KNOW you’re not the enemy. And I sure as hell don’t ever want you to feel like I see you that way.”

“I know you’re going through a hard time and I know her being here is going to put you even more on edge. But I also know what will happen if we even attempt to kick them out.”

“I mean, I wouldn’t kick them out. It’s not like I’d say ‘get the fuck out and never come back’. I’d be a little more...tactful.”

“You think THIS is her escalating? Do you know what will happen if we even try to explain our way through things? Why it’s not a good time for her to be here? Do you really want to get into that with her? Considering all the things she’s already said about you? How she feels about you?”

“I don’t give a fuck what she says about me. Or how she feels about me. I don’t…”

“But I do!” She slams a jar down with even force to shake the other items on the metal shelf. Both her body and her voice tremble, and her chin and her lower lip quiver as she tries to hold back a threatening flood of tears. “I care what she says about you! I’ve always cared! Because it hurts! You’re my husband and the father of my children and you deserve so much better than that. And it fucking hurts when she says that shit about you!”

“Alright...easy now." Running his palms along her upper arms, he leans down to press a kiss to her temple; lips against the side of her head as both forearms come to rest along her collarbone. “Just breathe, Esme..." he draws her against him, squeezing as tight as her little body will allow. “...it’s okay…”

“I care what she says because I love you. Because I know what kind of man you are. Because I know what kind of heart you have and how much you love me and our kids. Because you’ve almost died for me. TWICE. Because she doesn’t know you like I do and she won't even give you a chance. And THAT hurts. To hear those kinds of things about the person you love more than you love yourself. Who SAVED you.”

“I never saved…”

“You did!” she interjects. “You saved me in every way a person can be saved. And you’ve been willing to die for me. Right from the start. And all she can do is hate you and talk shit about you and you have no idea what it does to me. What it does to my heart.”

“I’m sorry…” his lips brush her cheek, then settle against her ear. “...I never thought of it that way. I never thought about it hurting you like that.”

“I hate that she won’t even give you a chance. I hate that she looks at you like you’re some kind of horrible, evil person. That she treats our kids like garbage. I don’t care what she says about me. Or how she treats me. But when she does that to you? Or our kids? That shit kills me inside.”

“You’ve got to let it just roll off you, Me. Stop letting her have this power over you. Stop giving her that kind of control. It’s what she wants. It’s probably why she’s here. See how far she can push you. Try to break you. And I know you usually tell me not to react and keep the peace, but I don’t think I can. I won’t let her disrespect you. I don’t let ANYONE do that. So I can’t promise you that I won’t snap on her. I wish I could, but I can’t.”

She closes her eyes as she leans her head back against his chest; tips of her fingertips repeatedly gliding along his forearms. “I’m at the point where I honestly wish you would. I mean, maybe not go BATSHIT on her. I don’t want her calling the cops or child protective services. But I would seriously enjoy you going off on her within reason.”

“Baby, I will protect you from anyone or anything. I will stand up for you no matter what. You want me to flip my shit on her? I’ll do it. Want me to toss her ass out into the street? I’ll do that too. Whatever you need me to do, I’ll do it. And I AM sorry,” he presses a kiss to the corner of her mouth, followed by her cheek and then her temple. “I didn’t mean to snap on you. That wasn’t fair. I shouldn’t have done that. I’m an asshole.”

“You can be,” she admits, and he loosens his hold on her when she turns around to face him. Hands falling to her hips and then sliding around to the small of her back, fingers laced together. “But it’s rare. That you’re like that with me. And I know you’re on edge. I know you’re going through some real bullshit. And believe me, I would give anything to take that away. To make everything better for you.”

“I know you would,” he presses his lips to her forehead. “And I’m serious; I’d do anything to protect you. Against anyone or anything.”

“I know. I’ve always known you would. Right from day one. Even then you were pretty intense. When it came to the whole watching over me thing.”

“Well technically it WAS my job.”

“You were getting some good benefits on that job.”

“They were pretty damn stellar, I gotta admit. Who needs dental or prescriptions covered? I’ll take the five days of hot sex.”

“You were very well compensated for your hard work. Actually, I think you were pretty spoiled. I think you STILL are.”

“I am not going to deny that.”

“I’m sorry too. I SHOULD have got a hold of her. I shouldn’t have waited. This is just a huge mess. But I honestly didn’t think she’d do something like this. I know she’s crazy, but THIS crazy? What are we going to do? We have our things that we do. With the kids. We have our own traditions for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. We can’t just forget about it all. It’s what they’re used to. It makes them happy. And to be honest? It makes ME happy.”

“And we’ll keep everything the same. I’m letting her fuck things up. For the kids or you. We’ll just go on with it. Do what we’re used to. If she doesn’t like it, fuck her.”

“You just know the kids aren’t going to be happy. The boys and Millie are old enough to remember how awful she was to them. Millie still talks about the time grandma said she was a mistake because mommy and daddy weren’t married when she was made. And Tanner? Tanner had nightmares for three years about you going to hell because you got me pregnant out of wedlock.”

“Well in all honesty, I was probably already going there because of other things.”

She stares up at him pointedly.

“I’m kidding. That was a joke. Not a very well timed one, but…”

“And what if she gets on Nugget about being antisocial? About needing sensory breaks? About needing his safe place and his safe person? I can guarantee she doesn’t give a shit about Autism and won’t bother learning about it. I bet she’s even in denial about. That she’ll say something like ‘there’s nothing wrong with him other than your parenting.’.”

“She says something like that? I WILL toss her ass out onto the street. Literally. Talk shit about my kid AND my wife? That’s not happening in my house.”

“Then we have Declan. A bull in a china shop. You know she’ll get on his ass about being too loud and too hyper and too active.”

“He’s a kid. He’s eight. And he’s got red hair. Of course he’s wild.”

“What about Brooklyn? She looks cute, but she is all daddy and she’s a savage. She will pick up on my mother’s bad vibes and she’ll open her mouth and all hell will break loose.”

“Babe…” he unlocks his fingers and moves his hands to her hips; squeezing tightly and softly massaging. “...you are working yourself up even more and that’s the last thing either of us need right now. Take a breath. It’s going to be okay.”

“And then there’s Takota. Who is crazy shy and super sensitive and I already know he’ll hate her.”

“He’s in good company then. We ALL hate her.”

“You get her and all seven of them together? It’s a recipe for disaster. Especially the Tanner thing. Because TJ will go the fuck off if she even steps out of line with Tanner.”

“So what do you want me to do? Sneak the kids out of the house and replace them with imposters? Get the real ones back once your mom leaves?”

She sighs in exasperation. “You are NOT helping.”

“I think you need to calm down and just let shit take its course. Whatever happens, happens. We can’t predict what’s going to go down and stop it before it does. And you know what else we can’t do? Stay in here for the rest of the day. We went to look for food to make. We’ve been in here for half an hour. She probably thinks we’re in here having sex.”

“We SHOULD have sex. Really piss her off.”

“While I’d normally be right into it, I don’t think even I can get it up under these kinds of conditions. Your mother is kind of a mood killer. Remember how we barely had sex when we lived at her place? And then totally made up for it when we moved into the farmhouse?”

“I always thought you were saying no for other reasons. You always told me you were worried about ‘hurting the baby’.”

“You actually believed that?”

“You were very convincing. I thought maybe you were just super paranoid that something would happen to Millie. And that you suddenly got over it. You should have just told me.”

“The whole ‘honey, your mother’s voice makes me impotent’ wasn’t a conversation I wanted to have. So while I love you and I’d love to be able to bang the shit out of you right now and have you making the kinds of noises I know you’re capable of, it’s not going to happen. We need to get our shit together and deal with this.”

“You know what I was thinking? Never mind getting the kids out of the house. WE can sneak out.”

“And leave the kids with your mother? I know I hate her, but I love my kids and I would not do that to them. Now…” placing his hands on her cheeks, he gently turns his face up towards him. . “...we need to get out there before she comes and breaks the door down. You gonna be alright?”

“I don’t know. I honestly don’t know.”

“I got you, Me. I always do. We’ll get through this like we do with everything else,” he presses a kiss to her brow, then to her lips. “Together.”

*****

They make awkward small talk; brief snippets of conversation in between sips coffee and tea and nibbles of the assortment of finger foods Esme had prepared and laid out on the coffee table. There’s a lot that SHOULD be said; grievances waiting to be aired, hurt feelings dying to be brought to the surface, demands for both forgiveness and apology. But for the time being it’s nothing more than comments on the weather; the differences between the dry Colorado chill and the dampness that plagues the Eastern Seaboard. Five years have passed and no attempts have been made to heal both old and fresh wounds; Esme’s mother either in denial of her shortcomings and her responsibility in pushing her daughter out of her life, or simply refusing to accept blame or apologize for all the damage she’d caused over the years. For the most part she stays silent. Leaving it up to her husband to ask about the kids and life in Australia while she ignores the conversation entirely; spending her time glancing around at their belongings with a look of pure disdain. He even sees the way her entire body stiffens whenever he so as much shows Esme even the slightest bit of attention or affection; eyes narrowing and lips tightly pursing together if he gives her a reassuring smile or wraps an arm around her shoulders or presses a kiss to the side of her head. He knows the mother in law can’t stand it; any form of physical interaction between them or the way they’re so in tune with each other’s body language and facial expressions. Able to easily and effortlessly read each other’s awkwardness or nervousness and then doing their best to provide comfort and support.

He’s been hated since the very beginning. Viewed as the enemy who’d ‘stolen’ Esme from her family and somehow convinced her to give up her old life in favour of a new one with him; keeping her trapped by repeatedly getting her pregnant and intimidating and terrorizing her into staying with him. And while they HAVE had their issues and stumbling blocks, he’s never been THAT bad; refusing to follow in his father’s legacy as a domestic abuser and all around asshole. Even at his worst he’s always adored her; respecting her as the love of his life and the mother of his children. Any logical and rational parent would want that for their kid; someone who worships them and busts their ass to provide for them, who has proven time and time again that they’d willingly sacrifice their own life for theirs. But it’s never been enough. All the good going ignored yet all the bad being thrown in his face and used against him. And while he’s the first to admit he’s not perfect, he also knows that he’s not the monster even his own brain often makes him out to be.

“Do you still do what you do?” The mother in law addresses him, refusing to make even the smallest amount of eye contact.

“Not as much anymore. Now I have employees I send to kill people.”

Beside him, Esme clears her throat noisily and then reaches for a mug of tea that sits on edge of the coffee table. She’s been on edge since the moment she’d finally sat down beside him; nervously bouncing her leg up and down or swinging it from side, or chewing on her bottom lip or thumbnail. He’s done his best to step up and be her rock; tucking her into his side or taking her hand or running a palm over her hair. Little things that let her know that she’s safe. That he’s more than ready, willing, and able to protect her. And it gives him something else to concentrate on other than his own issues; caring for her forcing the dark and dire thoughts plaguing his brain to take a back seat.

Michelle tucks her chin into her chest and stares at him pointedly. “YOU have employees?”

“I own my own business,” he says, then wraps an arm around Esme’s shoulders and gives her arm a squeeze. “WE own our own business. We have for almost six years now.”

“A mercenary business?”

He nods. “A successful one too. Very successful, actually.”

“Tyler’s good at what he does,” Esme says, as she lays a hand on his knee and lightly squeezes; the smile she gives him one of love and pride. “VERY good at what he does. He already had quite the reputation before starting his own company. Now that he has? He’s extremely well known and extremely well respected and sought after. His guys are the best of the best. Second to no one. You won’t find people like that anywhere else.”

Her mother stares at her; a mixture of disbelief and disgust. “And you’re perfectly fine with that? Him having THAT kind of business? Making money by killing people? Or having others do it for him?”

“There’s more to it than that, Michelle,” he husband grumbles. “Way more to it.”

“That’s not all it entails,” Esme informs her. “It’s not just about killing. It’s about helping people. It’s about protecting them and defending them. It’s about doing what’s right. Just because you don’t understand it…”

“You’re right. I don’t. I don’t understand it. I don’t understand it now and I didn’t understand it twelve and a half years ago when you willingly ran off with a man that kills people for a living. That has so much blood and God knows what else on his hands.”

“That’s not all he did, mom. He didn’t just kill people. He’s saved a lot more than he’s hurt, believe me. But you can’t seem to grasp that because you’re too busy hating him for stupid reasons. I didn’t care that he was a mercenary. I was just as much as involved as he was. So stop making him out to be some kind of monster because you have some bullshit vendetta against him. Stop…”

“Let’s just try and calm down, okay?” Tyler suggests, his hand on the top of her arm as he pulls her into him; lips pressing against her temple, then her ear. “Just breathe, babe. No need to get worked up.”

“It’s typical of her, isn’t it,” Michelle snorts. “She’s always been over dramatic. Always blowing things way out proportion. How you’ve managed to put up with her for this long, I’ll never know. I’ll give you credit for THAT; being strong enough to hang in there. Mark sure wasn’t.”

“Don’t,” Esme warns. “Don’t you dare bring him up. Don’t you come into my house and sit here across from my husband and bring that piece of shit up.”

“He was a good man, Esme. You just couldn’t see that. You were too busy finding faults. It’s what you do. You get bored of people easily. Which is why it's extra shocking that you’ve made it this far. Twelve and a half years, seven children. Normally you would have pushed him away by now. I don’t understand the appeal, but you seem to. I guess whatever works for you…”

“You know what, it DOES work. WE work. And I know you hate that. I know you hate that I’m happy. That I got away. That I found someone that loves me. Someone that won’t let you control me and manipulate me and abuse me. That’s what it is, isn’t it. That’s why you don’t like Tyler. He doesn’t let you get away with your shit.”

Laying a hand on the side of her head, Tyler draws her even tighter into him, lips against her hair as he speaks. “I think you need to calm down, Me. Just try and relax, okay?”

“You really ARE brainwashed,” Michelle says. “You will defend him no matter what he does. No matter how much he drinks or how many pills he pops or how many times he puts you and those children on the back burner. You will always defend him.”

“I will. And you know why? Because he’s a good man, mom. He’s a good man and he’s a great husband and he’s an even better father. Only you don’t see that side of him. You’ve never been able to. You REFUSE to see it. You refuse to see how much he loves me and his kids. How he’d do anything to protect us. How he’s so willing to lay down his life for mine. You don’t see any of that. Because you don’t want to.”

“Why don’t you get some air?” Tyler suggests. “You’re getting a little worked up, babe. Just go and take a few minutes and…”

“I WILL defend him,” Esme continues. “I will ALWAYS defend him. I will defend him until my last breath. And you know why? Because he would do the same for me. He HAS done the same for me. No questions asked. So don’t you care come into my house and disrespect my husband like this. I spent years letting you walk all over me. And I refuse to let you try that shit now.”

Wrapping his fingers around her upper arm, Tyler gets to his feet; pushing into the soft flesh as a silent request for her to follow. “We’re going to go and step outside for a bit. Neither of us do very well when people just show up on the doorstep. And she’s a little on edge; Christmas always stresses her out.”

“It’s not Christmas,” his wife argues. “It’s her! It’s always her! And she just keeps pushing me and pushing me…”

His hand moves to the back of her neck, effectively steering her towards the front hallway. “Let’s go and get some air. You’ll feel better if you do.”

“Only thing that’s going to make me feel better is that bitch out of my house,” Esme mutters, as she shoves her feet into her beloved -and hated, by him and the kids- Crocs as he opens the front door and gently pushes her outside. Smirking when he hears The Sarge laying into the mother in law; accusing her of being insensitive and intentionally ‘stirring the pot’ and to stop acting like the victim when she’s the one that’s ‘doling out the bullshit’.

Stepping out onto the porch, he allows the door to shut behind him, then lays his hands on his wife’s shoulders. “You need to calm down.”

“I can’t do this.” She shivers in the cold; arms folded across her body and her hands aggressively rubbing her biceps. “I thought I could. I thought I could keep my shit together; get through the next couple of days. I can’t even last two hours! Here I was worried that you’d be the one to lose it! Yet I’m ready to throw her out the front window!”

“I need you to take a breath and calm down. Don’t let her do this. This is what she wants. She wants to get under your skin and she wants to ruin things for you. Don’t give her that satisfaction, Me. You just give her power when you do that.”

“I can’t help it. She just gets under my skin and she keeps digging away and digging away. Until I can’t take it anymore. And she knows exactly what buttons to push! She knows the more she shit talks you, the angrier and more defensive I get. She knows that’s my weakness. In the same way that shitty people know yours is me and the kids. It’s why she does it; to see me squirm and get worked up and eventually snap.”

“Which is why you need to settle the fuck down.” He runs his palms along her arms, vigorously rubbing against the chilled skin. “Don’t let her do this. Don’t let her screw things up for you. For US. That's what she wants. She spent five years trying to tear us apart. She tried ruining what we had every chance she got when we were in Colorado. And if you let her get under your skin like that? You let her do that? You give her all the power. That’s what she wants. That control. Don’t fucking let her win.”

“I can’t stand when she talks about you like that. I know you have thick skin. I know you can take it. You don’t let it bother you. But think about what it feels like when someone talks shit about me. Or disrespects me. Think about how that makes YOU feel.”

“I hate it. It hurts. Makes me want to hurt them right back. Physically, usually.”

“You know what it feels like to have your heart ripped out of your chest and stomped on. Well that’s what it's like for me, too. When she starts in on you. It hurts. Because I know who you are and I know much you love me and our kids and the lengths you’ll go to take care of us. To protect us. I’ve seen you on death’s door. TWICE. Because of me. Because you’ve always been so willing to sacrifice yourself for me. So when she starts on her bullshit…”

“She’s never going to see me the way you do. Hell, I don’t even see myself the way you do. But she’s another story altogether. You KNOW what she’s like. You know the hate she has for me and why she has it. So why do you let it bother you THAT bad? Just let it go in one ear and out the other, Me. Take it from the source.”

“I’m not like you, Tyler. I can’t just turn my feelings off like that. I’ve never been able to.”

“I don’t turn my feelings off. If I could, do you really think I would have busted my ass twelve and half years to get you out of Dhaka? If I was able to turn them off, I would have left you and Ovi behind and I would have saved myself. And I sure as hell wouldn’t have gone through what I did FIVE years ago. I don’t turn my feelings off and you know that. I take it from the source, babe. And her? She’s not worth my time. I don’t give a fuck what she says about me. She’s doing it to be petty. She wants power. She wants control. I won’t give it to her. And you shouldn’t either.”

“I don’t think I can do this. Just let her walk all over me. Say shit about my husband. About my kids! I can’t just sit back and listen to that shit. I just can’t.”

“So stay your distance from her. As much as you can. Avoid being alone with her. Try not to get cornered into that kind of conversation with her. I will have your back no matter what. You know that. Tell me you know that.”

“I do. I DO know that. In the same way I have YOURS.”

“I don’t need you to defend me. Or protect me. Not against her. I've gone up against bigger and better and I’ve lived to tell about it. But fuck with family? Disrespect my wife? That’s not going to happen. And you need to trust me to be the one to handle things IF they get out of control. Can you do that? Trust me?”

“I always trust you. I always HAVE. With my life. With our kids’ lives.”

“It’s going to be alright.” He rubs his hands against her upper arms, then tucks her hair behind her ears and cradles her face in his palms. “I need to get your shit together, okay? I need you. To be my wingman. Or woman. I can NOT deal with your mother and eight kids all my own. There is no way I can survive that. So you think it can keep it together? For my sake?”

A smile tugs at the corners of her mouth. “I think so.”

“Because those kids are going to be home soon and your mom being here is going to throw them off and who knows what kind of shit show is going to go down. Don’t bail on me, Esme. I need you. In more ways than one. In EVERY way, actually.”

“Finally admitting it, huh?” She chides. “Only took you twelve and a half years.”

“I know you’re going to try and argue with me, but I need you a lot more than you need me.”

“I don’t think…”

“Nope." He pecks her lips to silence her. "Not gonna listen. Not even going to give you the chance to finish that sentence. Because you know I’m right. You always talk about how brave and strong I am? Me, you’re the bravest and strongest person I know. That I’ve EVER known. The things I’ve seen you go through? Willingly? The things I've seen you deal with in the past twelve and a half years? The things you've done? Especially for me? There is no one on this earth that’s stronger than you, believe me. And you have no idea how much I really do love you. How much I actually do worship you and respect you."

“It’s only Christmas Eve and you’re already going to make me cry. Don’t you usually hold off until Christmas Day? When you do something so incredibly sweet and romantic and amazing?”

“I’ve still got a few tricks up my sleeve,” he grins, then tangles his fingers in her hair and gently tugs her head back; lips softly pressing against his forehead. “Just stick with me, kiddo. You’ll be alright.”

“I remember you saying those exact words to me. At Gaspar’s house. In the guest room. After we…”

“It wasn’t RIGHT after. And I was being an asshole. Because you made fun of me because you said I had gray hair in my beard.”

“I didn’t make fun of you. I said it was sexy. That it would look distinguished if the whole thing went gray.”

“Old. You said I’d look old.”

“Well I MEANT distinguished.”

“Sure you did.”

“And look, twelve and a half years later, and you still have the same amount of gray in your beard. A little more in your hair, mind you.”

“All those gray hairs? They all have your name on them.”

“You can complain all you want. You can bitch and moan that I’m stubborn and I’m difficult and that I’m a huge pain in your ass. But you’d miss me if I was gone.”

He hates the feeling of dread that creeps in at those last three words; so simple and said in a light and playful way, but sending a chill that seems to borrow through his bones and travel right to his very soul. It’s his worst nightmare; facing a future without her and struggling to stay on the straight and narrow for the benefit of his kids. His old vices would return with a vengeance; the booze and the pain meds and suicidal tendencies. And then he’d lose any and all remaining links to her; his children torn from him because his demons and weaknesses would somehow overpower his love for them. But he manages a smile for her sake; never wanting her to realize just how much losing her WOULD actually destroy him.

“I don’t even like thinking about that.” His hands slip from her hair; sliding down her spine and resting at the small of her back . “Never mind talking about it.”

The smile broadens, and she perches her on tiptoes in order to wrap her arms around his neck. “I knew it,” she says, eyes sparkling playfully up as her body leans into his. “I AM your favourite. You do love me, Tyler Rake.”

“I do,” he confirms, and he lightly slaps his palms against the cheeks of her ass; lightly squeezing before drawing her into him and pressing a kiss to the tip of her nose. “And you have no idea how much.”

#Tyler Rake #Tyler Rake fan fiction #Extraction fan fiction

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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years

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Survey #304

“she’s got a hold on me / maybe she is just what they want me to be”

How many foreign friends do you have? Only one that I know of that actually immigrated into America in their life. I think. In which countries do they live? She was born in Asia, either China or Japan. What was your dream birthday party as a kid? I either wanted to go to the skating rink or Chuck E. Cheese. Have you ever come up with your own game? As a kid, definitely. Whose hand did you hold last? Probably my niece's or nephew's if they were taking me somewhere. What was the last thing you planted? Habaneros, I think. Do you have a green thumb or are you all thumbs with plants? I don't really try with plants because I'm not interested in the maintenance. What or who was the last thing you gossiped about? Does telling your therapist about another person and what they do to stress you out count? lol Any books on your night stand? Wings of Fire: The Brightest Night. Would you ever consider going vegetarian? I was briefly one, but I had to introduce meat back into my diet because I just hate too many foods needed to keep me healthy without meat. I would love love LOVE to go vegan, but I just can't. When's the last time you helped a senior citizen somehow? Probably holding open a door for someone in a wheelchair. What's the most selfless act you have done? I don't know... Maybe letting my mother use all my Christmas and birthday money (which was a lot) to take care of bills to keep us from being evicted and losing the car. She was going to pay me back, but then cancer happened. Have you ever intentionally fed a house spider? No. What makes you feel lucky? The fact I have a roof over my head, food on the table, access to water... That kind of stuff. Never take it for granted. How many Lidls are there in your town? One. Last time you went to Ikea, what did you buy? I don't believe we've ever bought anything from there? But I wouldn't really know. How do you like your favorite beverage? Really cold in a can, heeeeell yeah. What's your big family secret? We don't really have one. What did you think you were good at, until you saw someone else do it? I remember thinking I was the "gifted" artist in school until I met my acquaintance Cailin in the 5th grade, lol. She is SO talented. What is something nice going on in your life right now? My partial hospitalization program is going well. I'm getting more comfortable with talking via things like Zoom, it's a good opportunity for me to socialize with like-minded people almost every day, and I ADORE one of the teachers so much so that I want him to be my normal therapist. I have never in the entirety of my life felt less judged and more cared for from any therapist before him, and it's almost supernatural how easily this man reads people. You could twitch a certain way and he picks it up. I'm ready for him to teach more of the sessions. What was the pinnacle of wealth to you as a child? The idea of owning one of those toy crane machines, haha. If I saw one in a store, I would like beeeeg for it. I remember I cried once when I came across one I adored, it was just too expensive, lol. I did eventually get a little one, I think. What's something that you hate, but can't live without? My meds. What skill do you not talk about, because you feel it sounds like bragging? I don't really brag about anything I think I'm good at because I feel bad about it and don't wanna emit a "better than you" vibe. Who's the worst person you've encountered on the Internet? Ahhh, a lovely "friend" nicknamed Shakes. God she hated me. If death wasn't a consequence, what would you try? Probably ride a motorcycle. I'm too scared to risk the possibility of crashing, and those wrecks are nasty. What's the dumbest thing you've heard someone say? There's this one video of a TV show host thinking the moon was a planet and it was just- What is the worst smell you can remember? This smell was forever branded into my memory as if it was fuckin trauma. When my late dog Teddy had a massive, infected cyst near his ~you know~ and also wore diapers because of incontinence with his age (also keep in mind he had a UTI we couldn't afford to fix, and that smells bad enough), changing the diaper he would wear overnight could, swear to God, be enough to make you puke. It literally came to a point that I personally could no longer do it. It sounds so so bad and selfish, and it probably is, but Mom had to do it before she left and came home from work; she's way less fazed by stuff like that than me. Yes, when we had the money, we got the cyst removed. What song gets better the louder it gets? Only like, every song I enjoy. The louder the better until it becomes obnoxious to others. What's the biggest inconvenience that does NOT ruin your day? Having to pee at like an unnatural frequency? haha What's something everybody should know how to do? Cook... which I don't know how to do. What is a great movie no one knows about? I'unno. I don't really know the success level of most movies unless you see stuff about it everywhere. What type of person could the world use less of? Rapists, pedophiles, monsters like that. What makes you tingle? I have this odd reaction to rubbing my hand while someone is holding it???? idk why????? What’s the best Wi-Fi name you’ve seen? Oh MAN, I wish I could remember 'em all. I've seen some goodies. What's easy to learn, but hard to master? God, it's pathetic that my immediate response is related to a video game, haha. Then again it's such a common idea that it's basically a meme in the World of Warcraft community. So, playing hunters in the game. They're argued to be one of the - if not the - easiest classes in the game that requires little to no skill, while as a hunter main, I disagree with the second part firmly. I don't know about the other specializations because I don't play them, but at least in beast mastery, it takes focus and thinking ahead to master your rotation for optimal damage and just to generally be a skilled player of the class. Not to mention you need to watch your pet(s), too. What's something you've changed your opinion on? Wow, LOTS. Tons of political ideas, like my stance on gay rights, transgender folks, etc... If you had a refilling bowl, what would you want it to contain? For some reason my mind immediately jumped to fresh strawberries. I'm picky with the firmness of fruit, so I won't eat them if they're older because ew. If your bedroom had three portals to anywhere, where would they lead? I mean this in the least creepy way possible, but Sara's house so we could actually hang out, Dad's house so I could see him more, and then uhhh South Africa to regularly see meerkitties. You can ask any author one question about their story. What do you ask? Oh, I dunno. I've got some for writers of other media, but I guess by "author," you mean this is for books exclusively. If you have caffeine late in the day, does it cause you to struggle with your sleep? Shit, I wouldn't even know because I essentially always have caffeine in my system. I don't believe it affects me. When you struggle to sleep, what do you do instead? Keep trying to sleep, or more common than not, I do exactly what you shouldn't do and get back on the laptop for a while. Who was the last person you spoke to for the first time? How did you come to speak to this person? My most recent therapist in the PHP. I love love love him. The therapists rotate the days they teach, and he was the last one I met. Are there any TV shows from your childhood that you still watch today? I'm not opposed to it if I actually watched television. Do you enjoy buying gifts for other people, or do you never know what to buy them? If I actually have the money to, omg yes. I honestly do think I create or buy very thoughtful gifts, and I just really enjoy reminding other people that I love and think about them. Who were you with the last time you went out for a meal? My sisters, Mom, and I went to the Cheesecake Factory for my birthday dinner. That place has come to oust Olive Garden as my favorite restaurant, haha. What’s the last thing you watched on TV? Is this a programme you watch regularly? I believe it was this amateur cooking show called Nailed It!, I think it was, with my mom when I sat in the living room with her for dinner one night. Do you have a favorite documentary subject (eg. nature, celebrities, history, crime)? Absolutely animals. Does having to wear a mask stop you from doing anything, just because you dislike them or find them uncomfortable? Do not fucking talk to me if you're anti-mask. If I set foot in public, I'm wearing a mask like a goddamn considerate human being. Do you prefer zip-up or overhead hoodies? Overhead. I really dislike the appearance of zippers on them. If you have a yard or garden, how much time do you spend out there? N/A When was the last time someone bought you flowers? What was the occasion? I think it was the first time Tyler came to my house. This was quite a few years ago. When was the last time you stayed overnight away from home? Was this with friends, family or in a hotel somewhere? What was the occasion? Hell, I'm pretty sure I haven't slept over anywhere since the last time I was visiting Sara, which was like, two years ago. What’s your favorite period to learn about in history? What got you interested in this particular era? The Renaissance; I always found it to be an attractive subject, art being in its "glory days" and all. My Art History course in college really hooked me in. What is the smallest thing you lose your temper over instantly? Homophobic bullshit. What's a job that doesn't get enough respect? As others have said before me, teachers might just top the list. The shit they gotta put up with for so little pay... What did you take for granted until you visited another country? I've never left America, so I wouldn't know. Who is your favorite scientist and why? I don't have a favorite; I don't know nearly enough about any. Do you prefer emoticons or emoji? I'm from the emoticons era, so I'm biased, haha. How did you meet your pet? Roman was the kitten of one of my sister's mother-in-law's females. They have quite a cat problem and wanted to adopt the kittens out, and Mom knew I desperately wanted a cat, so there we go. One day when we were over there, she showed me the kittens, and Roman caught my eye instantly with his beautiful blue eyes. Venus, I "met" via the Morph Market, a reptile hub website for selling, as the name implies, reptiles that are generally morphs of their species. I was clicking through the genes, keeping my price ceiling in mind, and really fell in love with champagnes, and I thought Venus in specific was just absolutely beautiful. I officially met her as a little thing mailed to me, and she was and still is just the sweetest. I wanna point out that when I chose Venus, I hadn't the slightest idea that champagnes harbored "the spider gene," as otherwise I would have avoided adopting her and feeding the market. Regardless, I love her to death and wouldn't trade her out. Did/Do you have any PEZ dispensers? I did as a kiddo, yeah. Do you enjoy erotic stories? If so, do you read them or write them? No; they make me really uncomfortable. When writing RP, some scenes can get sexual, but I have my limits for sure and know when to stop writing and just time-skip. If you had to choose, which one would you rather have: a pet or a baby? Keep the baby away from me. Gimme a plains hognose or tarantula, please. ^Why did you choose the one you chose? I don't want kids at all but would love the mentioned animals as pets. Do you live with your parents or on your own/with a partner? I live with my mother. What's the car of your dreams? I don't have a "dream car." Have you ever witnessed something or someone die? Animals, yes. Has anyone ever told you that you snore or talk in your sleep? I don't snore, but I talk a LOT. Do you have any houseplants? No. Are you more on a laptop or a desktop computer? I only have a laptop, and I prefer them for portability's sake. If you could do absolutely anything, what would you like to do the most? Entirely leave behind my anxiety, probably. Or PTSD. Do you think your parents raised you well? Yeah. Dad didn't really take much part in "raising" us/enforcing rules and stuff, but hey, my sisters and I wound up being good people. Do you have a Facebook? Yeah. Do you know any of your neighbors? Definitely not well. We haven't lived here long at all. Does/did any of your relatives have an interesting, nowadays unusual job? I'm sure somebody does. Have you met your ideal partner yet? I think so. Have you had a serious relationship yet? If so, how many? Yeah, two. Do you enjoy books, magazines or comic books the most? Books. Are your parents old-fashioned or up-to-date about certain things? Dad is more old-fashioned I think, while Mom is pretty up-to-date. Do you or did you at some point keep a diary? I very briefly did on a few occasions. I always had a journal I wrote in during all my hospital stays. Have you ever upcycled trash into useful items? I remember I once followed this craft idea on Animal Planet where you turn a milk jug into a bird house. We never got any birds in it, though. Which color Skittle do you like best? The only right answer is red. What’s your favorite element? Of the classic four, fire. If you had your own radio show, what would it be like? YIKES, I don't want one. Don't make me talk in front of (through a radio or not) people. What has been the biggest surprise you’ve ever gotten? An "impossible" breakup over Facebook Messenger lmaoooo. Is there a holiday you can’t stand at all? There aren't any that I "can't stand," but I do hold at least some degree of dislike of ones bastardized by religion. It's disrespectful as fuck. Who is your favorite person in the whole world? My mom. Has there ever been an activity you became obsessed with? I was definitely obsessed with RPing in my early teens. Like, I ALWAYS wanted to be writing it. What has been the strangest place you ran into someone from your past? I can't think of an occurance. What is something people tend to come to you about? Anything related to English and grammar. If applicable, what's the furthest you've traveled because of a hobby? For purely a hobby, definitely not very far, partially because I can't drive or afford travelling via plane or whatever. Do you have souvenirs from other countries? If so, what and from where? N/A What do you do when someone is talking to you about something you don't care about? Pretend to be interested to avoid being rude. Do you have Photoshop installed on your computer? Yeah. Do you put lotion on after you get out of the shower? No, but I need to. Has anyone ever given you a promise ring? No. Do you have any bruises on you? Yeah, on my shin. When getting in Ash's van the other day, I hit it against the thing that helps you step up into the vehicle. Because of my muscle atrophy, I, and I am not kidding, can barely manage to absolutely yank myself up there. And mind you, her van isn't even very high up at all. My legs are just that damn weak. Any changes in appearance lately? Gaining weight is fucking lovely. Who was the last person to call you babe or baby? Probably a gal friend commenting on a selfie or something on Facebook. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for? Sometimes. Do you actually care about other's problems? Probably too much for my own good. Have you ever gotten a teddy bear from someone? Besides my mom, I don't think so.

#survey #surveys #questions #lyrics: ''big bad wolf'' by in this moment

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empty-dream · 4 years

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Just watched 13 Reasons Why S4

Ended up making a full blown commentary per episode because this is finally the last season and I’ve been enjoying this mess since S1. I even forgot that it was released until a friend brought it up to me. So in short,

Ep1

OKAY WHO DIES AGAIN HUH??

Clay, narrating: *I'm good at hiding shits so my parents don't notice at all." His parents: *concernedly looking at him pale and mushing food on the dining table*

The concequences of investigating murder cases and creating conspiracies instead of studying your ass off because it's a damn school really caught up huh.

Charlie holy shit I love you he's so chill and good.

It's been years I still can't believe Justin is really adopted by the Jensens. Funny that now the table is reversed, with Justin finally actually doing better and taking care of the increasingly-ill Clay.

SCOTT!! OH MY GOD! SCOTT REED!! OH MY FUCKING GOD!! AAAAAAAAAAAAA HOLY SHIIITTTTTTTTT AAAAAAAAA!!!

Wow my headcanon is approved, he already graduated by S3. No reason he didn't hang out with the gang after all the shits in S2 if he was no longer around in the first place.

He's still so nice even in Clay's trippy nightmare. Is that what Clay remembers about him? Well not really surprising, considering Scott actually was worried about him in S2.

Good god finally Clay meets a therapist- Wait a minute that's the guy from CSI:NY?!?! Isn't Clay just gonna get clobbered instead.

Okay I knew they are really close and I do adore their relationship so much but HOLY SHIT THEY ACTUALLY GO AT IT WITH ALEX AND ZACH???

Alex: *panicking over the kiss* Zach: Ayy don't worry let's just continue perhaps-suicidally hanging out on dangerous rooftops that you were almost fall to your death from. Alex: ????

Ep2

That narration of Clay ranting about college applications. I'll drink to that bruh.

Ya I too make my applications and other supposedly important matters at 3AM instead of any other more sensible time.

Oh my fucking god that is the creepiest smile I've ever see.

I feel like as Justin gets better and better with his life, Clay goes worse.

Justin is so excited about going to college! You deserve the future man.

The old-time stoners and drunkards are rehabbed or dead. Enter Zach.

Winston: *eyes and ears up to your shit 24/7*

Nobody likes Tyler in S1 but now everybody likes him.

Okay. Cops doing shit jobs at protecting. This feels too real with this situation right now.

Clay's adventure to put the trash into the trash bin.

Omg they got the paint to the lab this is going real CSI.

Idk about u but at this point I don't exactly want to pay attention to Jessica/Justin problems anymore.

I know Zach and Clay don't get along and that's why I need their adventure together.

Clay drunk-puking on Justin. Well well well how the turntables.

The return of Monet!!

"I have 2.8. If I work hard, I'll get 2.9" Winston omg same.

Tht held gaze between Alex and Winston.. Is this slow burn fanfiction???????

Yes Mr. CSI it will definitely get worse.

I know writing about your feelings can make you feel better but probably not in your college essay form.

Ep3

I'm starting to think Clay is the one who dies in the end? Idk tho.

I guess the toll of busting ass trying to save everyone by yourself is catastrophically high, huh, Clay? Funny that he now goes from 100 in S3 to 0 in here and that's actually realistic.

Alex and Winston are really pining each other with Zach in the background lmao.

"You don't wanna go on the Valentine Dance with me? Even as friends?" Well sometimes there are moments when you just don't go back to being friends. It's an actual normal thing.

And besides the last time Alex goes with Jess for something she wanna do, he ends up murdering somebody. So.

"Hey Zach. Hey punch me. Hey you pussy now? Hey hey. Bitch." *poke* *poke* *poke*

No Zach he's trying to save all of your asses. You can't just say that.

Charlie is really just there trying to do his best in this shitshow and like Justin I wanna laugh but also am proud.

Everyone: *being paranoid and unto each other* Alex and Winston: *having the date of their life*

I wish everyone doesn't have this level of trust issues but then again we won't have a shitstorm drama like this.

When did this become "what is love?" philosophy class?

"You know love but you love so fiercely and sometimes it hurts."Wow Mr. CSI you hit the mark.

How many parties can the Liberty High hold in a year?

"You go with Charlie to get back to Justin, right?" Wow Diego you HIT the mark.

I still have problems with Ani as a character, but I do like her casual banters with Clay.

You know, with all these trust issues, I'm surprised nobody actually tries to peek on other's phone. Like, I know that's low. But, you know, faster solution. And better than having mass hallucinations.

Oh God the football team really is a bunch of jerks. Good fucking thing Scott is outta here.

Alex and Winston almost die like couples in a cheap slasher movie.

"Fuck Love." Clay Jensen, 2019 (according to the movie timeline)

Ep4

Why is Charlie talking? Why is he wearing the football jersey? Who on earth dies?? Is it Zach? Justin? Somebody else from the football team? But the content of your speech man...

Ah yeah. Clay did survive a great big deal of many ugly shits. Single-handedly thanks to adrenaline, mostly.

Jess got a point tho. Ani could have followed Clay to stop him, by herself or with the gang. What did she do? She spied on Winston and Alex, and then went back to the dance. So much for handling anything themselves.

Or maybe, the gang shouldn't have let Ani and Clay take care of it themselves.

Does anybody in this show ever figure out Clay has dead people hallucinations?

Domestic Jensen family is my everything.

Charlie really out there bribing Zach with his homemade cookies I-

Ah yeah, I kinda forgot that in reality Alex and Winston have a really difficult situation. With Bryce and Monty stuff.

"Looking back on your time at Liberty, do you have any regrets?" Really? Isn't that all they have?

"Who do you trust most in your life and why?" Everybody: *immediately side-eyeing each other*

Clay c'mon wtf Justin is really just worried sick and trying to help you. Aaand he's gone.

Jess you don't put your hands into something without checking it first...

Why would you only send 2 adults to supervise 30-50 kids on a camping wildlife trip? They wouldn't be able to do shit.

"I thought you were a football player!" "I AM a football player! And so are YOU!" Gold.

Dream!Monty and Dream!Clay really sit like that and I almost laugh were it not for the fact that I do that too. It's strange to see that for once, they talk normally, heart-to-heart, without the usual snickering, chiding, all that venom.

Oh shit they really make Monty and Clay mirror each other like that. They both protect people they love but have tendencies to snap, one way or another.

Zach, dude, I know you've been a real good friend. But Alex almost died. Twice. Because of your drunken ways. And you laughed. Didn't you spend an entire season trying hard to not let him die again? What's wrong with you?

When did this become a horror movie?

The Standalls :((

CHARLIE MY MAN WITH HIS COOKIES. And incidentally, a wild Zach appears.

"So are we gonna fall apart or trust each other now!" Justin my man.

Clay dude that would have been an amazing entrance were it not for the fact you looked insane.

I can't fucking believe they just go normally at campfire like that. Two people almost died. Several got beaten. What the fuck.

Does it come from the bottom of your heart or it doubles as a threat, Clay?

Alex you had us at the first half not gonna lie.

GR A NO LA CA MP C O OKIES? ??

Wait. So who has been fucking around with the football team? Who moved Clay?? Huh??

Ep5

GUYS THERE IS A THING CALLED GPS ON THE PHONE?? What are you? 3?

Justin finally breaking down after 5 episodes being the most decent and healthy person around. Well Charlie is too but he's new, so.

Finally an obligatory meeting at Monet.

CYRUS AND THE PUNK GANG!!! God I love you guys where have you been. And you guys are computer geeks?!?!?! Perfect.

My question exactly, Clay. Good replies tho, Cy.

I'm still thinking how for a nerd, Clay knows A LOT of people and knows who to ask what.

"How am I even friends with you?" Ya Alex that's my question too. How are you suddenly bff with Zach? I don't remember you two being close in S1?

Hm. If you aren't holding his family at stake, there is no way Tony would even think to rat out.

Mr. CSI starts going CSI on Clay.

I almost forgot Charlie's last name is St. George. The cast goes by Charlie mostly so.

Justin really shows up at the party with the angry mom pose and disappointed look at Clay. The turntable, people. Flynn's voice got raspy.

Oh no no Clay you don't go there. Please don't split my Jensen-Foley brothers like that. Meanwhile the punk gang be like just watching there.

C O O KI E S??? Goddamn Charlie do you bring cookies everywhere you go??

Charlie my boy you T_T I was kinda suprised that the cookie baking actually had a sad backstory.

Clay-Zach bonding that I fucking wish for oh yeah. I definitely didn't expect it with piano and drunk singing tho.

While Clay is having the time of his life, Tony is seeing life flashes in his eyes.

Yassss he winssss!!!!

Caleb's expression when the sherrif hugs him lmfao

Nice try Sherrif but Tony knows your tricks.

"What of any of this is okay?" Wow things you'd never hear Justin says in S1.

Meanwhile, Charlie and Alex are high on weed cookies as fuck. Their conversation is the most interesting thing I've seen beside the Scott cameo till now.

The look on Justin's face when Clay pushes him :((

MY DUDES HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN ABOUT JEFF'S DEATH? WHAT HE WAS ACCUSED FOR?! You do not, under any circumstances, drive drunk.

Ep6

Clay be spitting truth.

They really be discussing Clay's chronic hero syndrome huh.

Okay. Operation Clay-Zach failed.

Weren't Zach all fuck it all yeah! kinda guy? Guess when you are the one who faces death it's not that fun anymore huh.

"One Clay Jensen is enough" Jess truth.

Do Alex and Charlie really study Spanish in front of Tony who is not helping at all? That would be embarrassing lmao.

Clay: Fuck off. Hallucination!Monty: *sits next to him*

Gotta hand it to Timothy Granaderos. He could go venomous to puppy eyed in 1 second. Amazing.

Man. School shootings are fucked up. There are many things I wonder about mankind and one of them is why is school shooting even possible?

Hallucination!Bryce: Hi I’m sorry I’m late. I hear this is time for Clay’s dead people hallucination party.

"Are you a hero or a martyr?" Wow they really throw the question.

And here is Clay sitting under the desk between his two most hated dead people hallucinations whispering moral dilemmas to him.

Meanwhile Winston and Zach got high.

Charlie helping Alex to breath.

The talk with Estella and Tyler.

"No offense, you are cool, but I don't wanna die with you." Zach chill lmao.

Are.. Are you sure outing that to Winston is a good call, Zach? For a guy who was super paranoid that his gang would narc him, he sure is loose mouthed himself.

I like how everyone from Tyler to Zach to Winston, admits that Alex is a really kind guy.

Wow Tony did you really expect anyone could do anything in that situation, in fucking Evergreen situation, for that matter?

Charlie is a great friend wow.

Cl-CLAY DON'T GO OUT that is EXACTLY what you are NOT supposed to do!!!

Goddamnit Clay. Holy shit Clay.

Dylan Minnette really worked hard in this scene.

.......... WAIT A MINUTE IT'S NOW ACTUALLY CHARLIE ALEX????? Tony be just walking in.

Ep7

Clay really got into a psych ward. Talk about darkest hour. And it’s only ep 6?

Wow Ty that's some brave lines.

Which hallucination-induced person is Clay talking to before Ani gets there?

Ok that therapy session made me tear up.

These kids are having college interviews at the worst time possible. They are all fucking breaking down one way or another.

And Charlie just, really never gives up on Alex huh.

What's most important to Clay is his friends. Real quick to answer that question huh.

God Justin lashing out at the Jensens. It's the first time he does it and it hurts.

Zach holy fuck. I appreciate you didn't out it but holy fuck you didn't have to do that are you trying to die

Clay-Tony combo is back baby I miss them so much. Although perhaps Tony you would mind a bit about Clay's health because clearly he was out of it.

This is so short. I too really don't like application essays and interviews and the inevitable revisit of the sadder parts of my life because of them.

Ep8

When did this become sci-fi apocalyptic story?

God I miss the time when Clay's dreams are just Inception-styled trippy shit with Scott randomly says hello and gets him water.

Okay. Everyone's got their own way to cope with existential and moral crisis huh.

You know what, I would like one movie out of this sci-fi dream.

I knew it Tyler was a bait to smoke out illegal gun dealers. Is that... An okay thing to do for a high schooler? Sounds fucked up, all things considered.

Yaaay Justin's got the college! I'm super happy!

Wow Estella good question.

Wow Tyler good statement. If they trust each other a bit more, everything would have been a bit better.

Ah shit. Justin relapses again.

Does Tony need to be pummelled first before he finally goes all off to finish his opponent or what?

Is this going Big Brother Is Watching

What the fuck. That locker fight scene is disgusting.

Jess and Clay might throw shades at each other but together they share one brain cell.

"I think it's a walkout, Sir" Tyler lmao

Wow Zach and Alex heart-to-heart.

Cyrus really steps on some pedestal to make his point.

Aaand Zach and Alex really go all out on "doing it right" huh.

They really have students vs cops riot at this time. Talk about timing.

It's nice to see the punk gang enjoying the fighting again.

Dude what happens if you don't have anything on your bag tho.

Aaaah the punk gang with Tyler again!!

"Why are you with me and not with Charlie?" Zach ouch that hurts.

Zach no no no Zach get out of there too Zach pls

Clay really becomes 2nd in command to Jess huh.

Charlie tries to save Clay but gets whacked on the head instead.

Tony you came back!! Oh so that college scout was.. Oh.

Oh shit Clay. Oh. Shit. I should have realized that. Goddamn.

Ep9

"I like sleep." Charlie me too.

God Alex and Charlie literally sleep together jaldjwaownaljewoalsj that some cute shit.

Wow Clay really takes Mr. CSI's advice to round up the gang and confesses. That's a step.

Charlie sometimes has a good idea, huh.

The Jensens meeting is probably the reason why the idea of parenthood scares me.

Also Clay and Justin really put the practice of "tell the parents the less-harsh-but-still-harsh truth, then ask them to get prom back" by the book. And it's awkward.

Aww Charlie coming out to his dad and the response he gets... When you put the rich fams like Dempseys, Walkers and Saint Georges together, the last one is really the only healthy one huh.

Way to go Jess!

Ah I forgot Alex has an older brother.

Aaaahhh Charlie has dinner with the Standalls! Their reaction is so sweet!

"Does he make you happy?" "Yeah. A lot." AHDKWJWOAKDUWLAOEL I mean after everything that has happened to Alex, man I am so happy he can say that with a fond smile.

WHAT THE FUCK HAHAHAHHA CHARLIE WHAT THE FUCK HOLY SHIT LMFAO I THOUGHT THIS WAS JUST AN TRIPPY ANIMATED IMAGINATION THING and Alex is so done with his extra shit.

Wow Ani you do karaoke good, asking Jess out even better.

OH MY GOD IT ESCALATED. Also Alex is right that one is creepy Charlie.

I thought by special doughnut Caleb means some diet-related stuff fit to Tony's menu for fighting. Why didn't I expect a literal Will You Go To Prom doughnuts?

CHARLIE PLEASE STOP AHAHAHAHA you dumb rich kid where did you get all those lamps and prop candles.

"Would you love me any less?" Aww Clay knows Justin loves him.

"You three all look adorable" Ya Jess, same.

Tony really out there doing the "I'm here because he's here" to Caleb.

Clay, Alex, and Charlie be like judging Zach hard.

Oh right that one kid from Cyrus's gang is gay and he brought his boyfriend!

Zach: You two sitting here like it's a funeral. Also Zach: *proceeds to continue sitting as well*

"We deserve to live." Finally something from Zach's mouth that I can agree for this season.

I love that Tony and Caleb are such good friends to Clay.

And now it's Winston turn for dead people hallucination.

..... The door to the other side again.. :'''((

CHARLIE AND ALEX WON THE PROM KINGS AAAAAAHHHHHH I mean with all those extra efforts, it'd be hard to not to. And there goes Alex finally giving in to dance.

I don't like Luke the football guy when he's the enemy but I like him when he's a friend. He's a hype man lmao.

Alex I'm so happy for you man. I'm glad you are finally happy. My heart was tight at the dance part .

Everyone: *dances* Clay: *sits there, monologuing philosophically*

I like that Clay and Ani finally being honest that they don't fit each other romantically. As romance goes there is not much romantic tension between them. And they have way too many flawed traits that when paired, would turn the relationship sour and possibly toxic in the end.

Justin do u like to show up and make everyone step aside for you or what.

I like that Clay was just watching from a distance. Then at last minute decided to join the crowd with his mother, whom he had a few trust issues with in all seasons.

Charlie: "Foundry's gay?!" Alex: "Mind's blown" Me: Same.

There has been nothing wrong going on in one episode, aside from the Zach one that's timely stopped by Charlie and Alex. I'm suspicious.

Ah. Yes. Of course.

Oh my god Justin's the one dead huh?

Ep10

Oh thank God he hasn't died. Yet.

Oh God Justin no. No no no.

Get your shit together Zach. Even Charlie tells you that.

No no no not like this not after everything oh god.

Somebody would you actually please run after Clay too.

Oh my god Clay.

Oh my god Alex you. Even when he admits it to Winston, he still covers for Jess. I- oh god.

It's been only 15 minutes and it hurts.

Charlie and Alex, the moms of the group.

You know, for a guy who says he doesn't love Justin, Alex gives a lot of shit about him. I guess you can still be around people you don't like?

I know the kiss is huge news Charlie but that's not the issue here lmao.

Zach: *hugs Clay* Clay: ????? Alex and Charlie: ?????? Zach: *pats Tyler's head* *leans on Clay*

The Padillas :''')

Clay Jensen. Class speaker. Wow.

Yeah Mr. CSI's voice is really calm, rather chilling, actually.

"You've looked at death too many times for a young person." Damn right Mr. Jensen.

Ah so that's the reason why Zach stole that letter. Makes sense, emotionally.

You know, I did say Idc anymore about Justin/Jessica problems but when it gets to this point, I can't not care.

So many people come to the hospital...

Clay and Justin's talk. I'm sorry I can't hold it in anymore. I'm fucking sobbing at this moment.

He's dead. He's dead. He's dead just like his mom. But he died not in the same way. He died holding his bro's hand. He died surrounded by his family. He died with people who loved him around.

"After everything, this is how it ends." Fucck

DID HE HAVE TO DIE??? DID JUSTIN FOLEY-JENSEN HAVE TO DIE?? Did you really have to put yet another sucker punch in the last episode of the season?? Yeah I know real kids and people do die from AIDS but really? After a whole season of Clay screaming kids wants to live to the point he lost his mind???

I spent the entire funeral screen crying. I couldn't even scream again when Scott is present in the funeral. I know he'd be there but god I can't right now.

Mr. CSI sure knows super effective ways to make Clay react.

"If Justin's dead, the none of the rest of it matters. " Clay..

He opens up.

Oh yeah I forgot Charlie is a junior.

AAAA COURTNEY AND RYAN ARE HERE!!! I MISS YOU GUYS!!!!!

SCOTTTTT!!!!!! And CHLOE TOO!! It’s nice that they come together. But they aren’t like, together, right? I mean if he is her boyfriend she would say his name right away to Zach instead of a mere ‘would you like to meet him? He’s outside.’

These 4 are such good friends to attend their friends’ graduation ceremony.

The punk guys in toga are so... Refreshing to look. Such hype men.

"It's easy to hate. It's easy to fear. It's goddamn hard to love. But it's not optional. It's essential." Jessica Davis, everybody.

Jeff, Hannah and Justin really died in the span of 2 years. Add to that is Bryce and Monty, whose deaths left uncountable traumas on top of existing traumas. Yeah. It was hellish time.

Scott’s proud small smile when Clay gives his speech. Im love.

"Choose to live. Even on the worst day, life is a pretty spectacular thing." Clay Jensen, everybody.

Ma boi Zach really teared up at Clay's speech.

Luke and one of the punk kids talking about some geek thing I am not familiar with I-

“No offense Luke. You’ve got great arm but you haven’t been known for your brain.” PETER That BURNS LMAO

Poor Winston just being alone. OH HELLO RYAN YOU ARE FAST.

Zach is gonna study music! Nice foreshadowing since he plays a lot of music this season.

Clay having a gratitude moment with his parents and Scott be like munching cupcakes in the background.

Oh god Hannah ...

Wow the old tape gang is here!! The nostalgia hurts.

They bury the tapes on the same hill again asdfwosaiofai.

Kinda salty Sheri and Scott aren’t here. But then again I guess back then Scott was just helping Clay and co when he could and mostly minding his own business. HOWEVER isn’t Sheri like in the tape and pretty prominent too :(( Like she was really cool with Clay (despite the whole guilt over Jeff), tried to make amends and really helped with the polaroid cases.

Also you can't just insert Scott in Clay's dream and then not have them interact in the end. The dream was such a perfect bait. Like we know at least they apparently get along well.

Everything in Jessica’s final conversation with her Bryce hallucination. Everything in it.

Ryan: “Gordon Lightfoot?” Ha Ryan you miss a whole lot of drama.

Fuck I'm tearing up again at Justin's essay. He deadass makes an entire essay about Clay and how he is his savior I-

Oh my god they end it exactly like S1 with Tony and Clay riding away. They are really each other’s ride or die.

That’s it. It’s over. It’s been a long trainwreck. So the 2019 class graduates, so does Justin, they are doing uni right now and keeping in touch with everyone. Bye.

#13 reasons why #13 reasons why season 4 #random saying

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lastbluetardis · 5 years

Text

Family of Six (5/14)

After James and Rose bring their newborn twins home, they work to find a balance between all four of their children, and each other. Ten x Rose AU, Soulmates AU.

This chapter:Teen, 7500 words

Ages of the Tyler-McCrimmons at the start of the chapter: James: 39, Rose: 33, Ainsley: 9, Sianin: (almost) 6, Twins: 3 weeks

If you like reading my stories, consider leaving me a tip? Or leave a reply on this post to tell me what you thought? And as always, reblogs are very much appreciated so more people can see this.

Chapters will be posted every other week → next update: September 3rd. (Notice that the chapter count went up... there’s going to be twelve chapters and an epilogue.)

Note: This chapter has some slight warnings for allusions to child abuse, as well as implying an underage relationship (between a 17- and 18-year-old).

AO3 | TSP | FF | Perfectly Matched Series

Ch1 | Ch2 | Ch3 | Ch4 | Ch5 | Ch6 | Ch7 | Ch8 | Ch9 | Ch10 | Ch11 | Ch12 | Ch13 | Ch14

Robert walked into the house, immediately spotting the almost-birthday girl.

“Happy Birthday, Sianin my darling,” he said, crouching down for a hug. She bolted into his open arms and he stood with her.

“It’s not actually my birthday yet, Grandad,” she said matter-of-factly.

“It’s not?” he asked, his jaw dropping.

Sianin giggled as she shook her head. “Nope! It’s not ‘til tomorrow.”

“Oh…” Robert glanced down at the small pile of packages in the bag he’d been carrying. “I guess I can’t give you your presents yet, then?”

“No, no,” Sianin said hastily, looking panicked. “The party’s my pretend birthday, so we’re still doing cake and presents and everything.”

Robert laughed and blew a raspberry into her neck, making her shriek and squirm in his arms. After giving her a final squeeze and a kiss, he set Sianin on her feet and turned to greet his other granddaughter. He couldn’t quite pick Ainsley up anymore, but he gave her a great big hug that lifted her off her toes for a few seconds.

“Mum’s in the kitchen,” she announced. “And Dad went out to get more ice cream.”

Robert stepped into the kitchen and saw Rose at the counter chopping vegetables.

“Hi Dad!” she said, grinning. “I’d give you a hug, but, well…” She brandished the knife in her hand.

“I’ll get one later,” he said. “Do you need some help?”

“Nah, I think I’ve got it covered.”

“Lookie what Elena and Juliette drew me!”

Sianin skipped into the kitchen, waving her right arm. He saw a bunch of little doodles, including a birthday cake with six candles and three stick figures in pointy party hats. He remembered the days when James would proudly show him and Vera the drawings Rose had made for him, especially on holidays.

“That’s lovely,” Rose said.

“I wish they could come to my party,” Sianin sighed, tracing her fingertip over the ink on her arm.

“Soon, darling,” Robert soothed.

“Nuh uh! I have to wait ‘til I’m eighteen, but that’s ages away!” Sianin whined, slumping dramatically across the table.

“It’ll be here before you know it,” Rose said sympathetically. “And it’ll be well worth the wait.”

“Your first meeting with your soulmates is going to be utterly magical and spectacular,” Robert chimed in. “It’ll be one of the best days of your life, and you’ll look back and realize that the wait wasn’t as long as you’d thought.”

Sianin made a small noise of disbelief. “What was your first meeting like, Grandad?”

“It was… incredible,” he said softly, his chest aching with a combination of sorrow, longing, and joy as the memory conjured itself in his mind.

“I’m leaving as soon as I’m eighteen. I can’t stand to be in this house a moment longer,” he’d written onto his arms one night. His father had, once again, taken Robert’s entire paycheck from his job at the butcher’s for not only rent, but more liquor too.

“I’m so sorry about your dad,” Vera replied. And after a beat, she wrote, “Where would you go?”

“I don’t care. Anywhere. I’ll hide out in the shop after it closes. I’ll go to a group home. I’ll live in a goddamned park if I have to.”

“Don’t do that! It’s January for God’s sake! You’d freeze to death!”

“I can’t stay in this house anymore, Vee.”

She was quiet for a long time. Long enough that Robert brushed his teeth and crawled into bed for the night. He kept his bedside lamp on for a few minutes longer, hoping she hadn’t fallen asleep already.

Finally, she wrote back. “Well… if you want… my house has got plenty of spare rooms. My parents said they wouldn’t mind (that’s where I was just now).”

Her words came slowly, as though she was nervous to say them.

His heart lifted, but he tried to quash the hope.

“We can’t meet yet, darling,” he said, wishing so badly they could. “You know that.”

“I know. But…” There was a long pause. “What difference would ten months make? No one would report you or anything. And if they did, they’d have me to reckon with. Just think about it? Please?”

Robert told her that he would, even though a larger piece of him told him it was probably impossible.

As his eighteenth birthday grew nearer and nearer, Robert started to seriously consider Vera’s offer. A recent winter snowstorm made him rethink some of his previous ideas. However, she hadn’t brought it up again, which made him nervous that she regretted her invitation.

Then one night his father gave him a split lip for not forking over the entirety of his latest paycheck. His father had hit him before, but mostly uncoordinated swats or a tightly-gripped arm. Never hard enough to draw blood or a bruise. Then again, Robert had never withheld money from his father before. Robert had begun working longer hours, squirreling away the extra money for when he could finally meet Vera. But his father had somehow found out and confronted him about it.

Robert had gone to bed without dinner and his money, near tears with anger, frustration, and helplessness.

“Hey, Vee?”

“Yeah, love?”

Her quick reply made his tears spill over. He wiped them away when they rolled into his raw lip.

“I was wondering…” He couldn’t bring himself to get the words out. He felt pathetic.

“Wondering?” she coaxed.

“What you said about your house having plenty of spare rooms. Is that… Could I…”

He started and crossed out several sentences before Vera said, “You are more than welcome to come stay with me and my mum and dad. More than welcome.” She underlined those words heavily. “You’re family. Have been for as long as we’ve been soulmated. My parents already consider you to be their son.”

His tears started up again in earnest, and all he managed to say was, “Thank you.”

Barely a week later, Robert found himself on the train headed to Scotland. He’d packed the barest of essentials: clothing, mostly, as well as a few books and all of the letters he and Vera had exchanged over the years. His entire life—the last eighteen years—fit in one medium-sized suitcase and a backpack. Looking at how little he had made Robert feel hollow inside.

The train ride took forever. He tried to distract himself with a book, but couldn’t silence his racing thoughts. His father had been furious when he realized his son was leaving. Robert had hoped to be out of the house before he had woken up. Alas, his father stumbled into the kitchen as Robert was writing a brief note telling him he was leaving and never returning.

His father had shouted at him and lunged for him, but was too hungover to properly do any damage. Robert grabbed his suitcase and used it to push his father to the side, then he left the house behind without ever looking back.

Robert knew his father’s fury wasn’t due to any emotional attachment; it was simply because a source of income was gone. Robert had learned ages ago not to expect an ounce of love or affection from his father. The only thing he did learn was what kind of father he himself wanted to be, if he and Vera were lucky enough to have children one day. He would be the sort of father his children could come to without hesitation, without fear, and know that they would be loved endlessly and eternally, no matter what.

Ignoring the lingering guilt of leaving his father behind, Robert had walked all the way to the train station. He’d bought a ticket with the small amount of money he’d managed to hide from his father. Finally free, Robert was now on his way to meet the woman he’d loved his whole life.

After the train ride, he hailed a taxi to Vera’s home. If his calculations were correct, the drive would use up the last of his money, leaving him penniless and homeless to meet his soulmate.

“A great start,” he scoffed to himself.

He gave the driver the address and slouched in the back seat as he was driven out of the city to a small neighboring town. Even then, they bypassed the town until they were in a wooded area. He grew nervous that maybe he’d gotten the address wrong. But he’d been sending letters to her for years, and she’d always gotten them.

The driver made an abrupt turn that had Robert clinging to the seat to keep from toppling. The car wound through trees on a narrow, bumpy road before turning onto a long dirt road. The dirt road was actually a driveway that opened up to a huge old manor house.

Robert’s eyes widened as he took in the beautiful home with the pristine white wrap-around porch and the wide expanse of grass around it. There was a tree line beyond the house, stretching out farther than Robert could see. His stomach lurched and his heart hammered. This was where Vera lived? It was like a castle.

Self-consciousness burned like acid in the back of his throat, and he was painfully aware of his tattered, ill-fitting clothes and unkempt hair and dusty shoes.

The taxi pulled to a stop. Robert fought against the impulse to tell the driver he’d gotten the wrong address and to take him back to the train station. But he couldn’t afford another taxi ride into the city. Or a new train ticket.

A flash of movement caught his eye, and Robert saw a girl with dark brown hair jump off the front porch, not bothering with the steps as she ran towards him. His stomach unknotted and he fumbled for the door handle.

“Robert! Robert!”

She had the most beautiful voice in the world. It made his knees tremble, and he was sure he was about to fall face-first into the frozen ground.

“Robert!” she shouted again. Her face was split into a wide grin. She was the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen.

“Vera,” he breathed. He forced his legs to stay steady as he took a few steps towards her. His stride grew longer and longer until he was running too.

She flung her arms wide and he followed suit half a second before their bodies slammed together. The breath left his lungs in a gasp, and he heard her make a similar noise. Then he was being held and squeezed by the person he loved most in the world.

“You’re here!” she cried.

She pulled back from their embrace, tears streaming down her cheeks. It was an automatic response for him to lift his hands to cradle her cheeks, swiping at her tears with his thumbs. He didn’t realize he was crying too until she copied his movements.

“Hi!” she giggled, beaming at him.

“Hi,” he whispered, leaning forward to rest his forehead against hers. He caught a whiff of her shampoo. She smelled amazing.

“I can’t believe it’s you,” she said, running her fingers through his hair, then down his cheek, before resting her palm against his chest. “You’re here. Oh! Happy Birthday!”

She lifted onto her toes and pecked a kiss to his cheek, then rocked back onto her heels, her cheeks pink.

“This is the best birthday I’ve ever had,” he told her honestly, his eyes flickering across her face, memorizing every detail. She was more lovely than his imagination had been able to conjure; he didn’t think he would ever grow tired of looking at her.

Robert was then aware that the taxi was pulling off down the driveway.

“My things,” he protested, turning, but he saw a middle-aged man and woman holding his suitcase and backpack. “I… I didn’t pay him.”

“We’ve got it,” Vera’s mother said gently, stepping up to him. “Our birthday gift to you.”

She set his backpack on the ground and opened her arms in an invitation for a hug, one that he stepped in to. He held himself somewhat stiffly for a second—wasn’t it awkward to hug a virtual stranger?—but the hug felt so nice that he couldn’t help but relax into it.

“We’re so happy to see you,” she whispered into his ear, then she kissed his cheek.

She released him, and he turned to Vera’s father. Despite his enormous size—he stood at least half a foot taller than Robert’s six feet—his face was kind and there were laugh lines around his mouth and eyes.

Robert stuck out his hand to shake his, but was instead pulled into another hug, to his surprise.

“Welcome,” Vera’s father said, giving him a firm squeeze. He pulled away and ruffled Robert’s hair.

His cheeks burned with an odd mixture of pleasure and embarrassment.

Vera skipped up beside him and hugged his arm to her chest, then twined her fingers through his.

“Are you hungry?” Vera’s mother asked. “Nobody’s eaten lunch yet. Let’s go inside and out of this cold. C’mon my dears.”

Vera’s parents picked up his bags and began walking hand-in-hand towards the house. Before he could follow them, Vera gave his hand a squeeze and tugged at his arm. He looked down at her and couldn’t help but smile. He was finally with his soulmate. She returned the expression, then reached up and rested her palm on his cheek.

“I love you,” she said softly.

He thought his heart might collapse in on itself, and he was slightly mortified to feel tears welling in his throat. Swallowing them away, he covered her hand with his and turned his head to the side to press a long kiss to her palm. He took her hand off his face and brought her knuckles to his lips.

“I love you, too,” he murmured into her skin. “So very much.”

Her face was beautifully pink, and he couldn’t resist kissing her fingers again. He then tucked her small hand into his and followed the people that would become his new family into the house.

“Awww.” Sianin’s dreamy coo brought Robert out of his own head and back to the kitchen.

Of course, Robert had skimmed over the details of his father and had expanded upon the details of Vera, but he stayed as close to the truth as he could.

“That sounds lovely,” Rose breathed, misty-eyed. Robert realized with a start this was the first he’d told Rose about his first meeting with Vera.

“It was,” he said simply.

Robert stuck his hand into his pocket for his wallet. When he withdrew it, he opened it up and took a small faded photograph from within. The photo was of a lanky, messy-haired boy with his arm around a petite brown-haired girl. They were both beaming.

“Look at this,” Robert said, sliding the photo across the table so his granddaughter could see. “That’s the day we met.”

“Oh!” Rose clasped her hands to her chest and smiled down at the picture.

“You look like Daddy,” Sianin observed.

“No, your daddy looks like him,” Rose corrected. When Sianin frowned in confusion, she clarified, “A child looks like their parent, not the other way ‘round, since the parent made the child.”

Sianin ignored her mother and instead looked down at the photo again. “She’s very pretty. She looks like Ainsley.” Sianin then glanced sidelong at Rose. “Er… I mean, Ainsley looks like her.”

“She was the prettiest girl I’d ever met… apart from my beautiful little granddaughters.”

He lifted up Sianin’s party hat and ruffled his fingers through her hair. She squealed and ducked out of his touch, but he caught her around the waist and peppered kisses across her neck and cheeks just to hear her laugh again.

“I love you,” he whispered to her.

“Love you too, Grandad,” she said, breathless and beaming.

The front door then opened, and James called out, “I’m back! And some guests have arrived. Sian, your mate Emma is here.”

Sianin scurried out from Robert’s arms and darted to the front of the house. He watched her go with a fond smile.

He picked up the photograph of him and Vera and tucked it safely into his wallet behind James and Rose’s latest family Christmas photo. He made a mental note to ask Rose if she had any family photos that included the twins, and if he could get a copy.

“Meeting before she turned eighteen… how scandalous.” Rose stuck her tongue out of the corner of her mouth as she smirked at him.

Robert rolled his eyes. “You know how big the manor house is… I had my own bedroom, and she had hers.”

“And how long did it take before you started sharing?” Rose teased knowingly.

“Longer than it took you and James,” Robert replied sweetly, laughing at the deep blush staining her cheeks and neck. “You know, I never did thank you.”

Rose frowned. “For what?”

“Being there for James when he needed you the most. And me.”

“Dad…” Her voice was soft as she approached him. She rested her hands on his cheeks and said, “You will never need to thank me for that. For either of you. I love you and James so much. I didn’t hesitate. You both needed me, so I went.”

He smiled at her.

“I love you,” he said, taking her hands off his cheeks to kiss the backs of her knuckles.

“I love you, too.” After a beat, she said, “By the way, your dad was an absolute wanker and you deserved so much better.”

“Yeah, he was,” Robert agreed. He hadn’t spared his father a single thought over the last fifty years except the day he was notified his father had passed away. He didn’t bother going to the funeral, and Vera hadn’t pressed it. “But he doesn’t matter. He was my past. I found a new home, a new life, in Vera. Then also in James. And now with you and my granddaughters, too. My life is so full, and I wouldn’t change anything.”

“Not anything,” Rose mumbled, her eyes going sad.

A familiar ache wrapped itself around Robert’s heart.

“I still miss her,” Rose confessed.

“I do too, darling.” He took Rose into his arms and rocked her from side to side. “But I still wouldn’t change anything. Even if it meant having her back, I wouldn’t erase a second of the time I’ve had with you and my grandchildren.”

Rose squeezed him tightly, then let him go to return to the vegetable chopping.

The guests began arriving in a steady trickle, with James and Sianin greeting everyone while Rose finished up the work in the kitchen. When she was able to join the party, she saw everyone was split into groups. Sianin was playing on the floor with the five friends she’d been allowed to invite, while the adults—their family members, mostly—cooed at the two sleeping bundles in James and Jackie’s arms.

“Oh, Rose, they’re simply beautiful!”

“They’re adorable!”

“Wow, you’re looking amazing, Rose!”

Rose dutifully smiled and accepted everyone’s compliments, shooting James a wink whenever anyone congratulated her on their beautiful babies. It was a running joke between them that she got all of the praise for making their children, as though they’d magicked themselves into being rather than have any contribution from him.

Ainsley was the lone misfit of the party. She was too old to play with Sianin and her friends, but too young to be fully integrated in the adults’ conversations. As a result, she hopped between groups and often hovered by the twins, helping whoever happened to be holding them.

“No Sylvia today?”

Rose looked over at her husband’s voice, not realizing new guests had arrived.

Donna, Lee—who was holding little Joshua—and Wilf stepped into the foyer. Rose went over to greet them with a hug and kiss apiece, including a raspberry for Joshua.

“Mum was indisposed,” Donna said, giving Rose a meaningful look.

“Everyone’s in the living room,” Rose said. “The pizza should be here soon, but there are nibbles to pick at in the meantime. Drinks are in the kitchen; Donna, want to lend me a hand?”

Donna gladly followed Rose into the kitchen and away from prying ears.

“Indisposed, eh?” Rose asked when they were alone.

Donna went to a bottle of wine, pouring some into a paper cup.

“We sort of… had a falling out,” Donna admitted once she drained half the cup in one go. Rose stayed silent, letting Donna gather her thoughts and continue her story, if she wanted. “Lee and I decided we want another baby.”

“That’s exciting!”

“Thanks. Mum didn’t think so. Joshua’s a little bit… behind the other kids his age,” Donna admitted, her cheeks turning pink. “Developmentally. The doctors said it’s nothing to be too concerned about yet. But he’s nearly two and hasn’t started walking yet. And because he isn’t walking, we can’t even think about preparing to toilet train him.”

“He’ll get there,” Rose assured. “And toilet training is a long way off. He’s not even two yet.”

“That what I’ve been saying, but Mum thinks Lee and I are doing Joshua a disservice by trying to have another baby when we’re… what did she say?” Donna frowned and stared off into the distance while she tried to remember. “Oh! When we’re neglecting the child we already have.”

Rose gasped, a combination of sympathy and anger bubbling up within her. “Oh, Donna.”

“Yeah. So now of course I’m worrying that maybe Mum’s right, and that we should try to get Joshua the help he needs before our lives are thrown into chaos from a new baby.”

“But you said the doctors weren’t concerned, so what help does he need?” Rose asked, puzzled.

“Exactly! I dunno, Rose. This is all so hard. I’m terrified I’m not doing the right thing for my child. But what more can Lee or I do? We have him in nursery, so he gets socialized with other kids his age and is with professional childcare experts. And when we come home, it’s not like we ignore him or anything. We play with him, we read to him, we try and get him to want to walk, but he absolutely refuses. He screams his little head off and starts crying for us to pick him up. Or he just happily crawls everywhere.”

Donna sighed and scrubbed her fist into her forehead. Rose stepped up and wrapped Donna in a loose hug.

“I love Joshua so much,” Donna whispered. “God, I love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone. But I just… want another baby before I get too old.”

Rose nodded, understanding all too well what the other woman was going through.

“Needless to say, Mum and I had it out.” Donna shook her head in dismay. “I told her if she wasn’t going to accept and support her grandson as he was, then she wasn’t going to have the privilege of seeing him at all. I’m not going to let her stand around and talk down about him where he can hear her. He might only be a little boy, but I’m sure he can understand more than we realize.”

“Good for you,” Rose murmured, rubbing a hand up and down Donna’s back. “I’m sorry about your mum though.”

“And I feel awful for putting Gramps in the middle of it. I feel like I’ve made him choose between his daughter and his granddaughter.”

Rose gave her a comforting squeeze, and once Donna had composed herself, they joined the party.

Their house was loud, hectic, and full of people—the twins handled it well though, considering this was their first time around so many other people. Rose and James ran themselves ragged, making sure that not only were their babies satisfied, but that all of their guests were attended to, especially Sianin and her friends. They appeared to be content to stay as a group and play together.

The family all tripped over themselves to have a turn with the twins. Rose hadn’t needed to change a nappy or comfort a crying infant all afternoon. Her mother and James’s dad in particular seemed to self-appoint themselves as the babies’ caretakers, and were often disappearing into the nursery with one of the twins.

“Hey Dad? We’re doing the cake soon.” Rose leaned up against the door frame of the nursery and found her father-in-law sitting in the rocking chair, bottle-feeding one of the babies. Hannah, she thought, but she couldn’t quite see her daughter’s face well enough to distinguish.

“I hope you don’t mind?” he said sheepishly. “James gave me a bottle out of the fridge.”

“It’s fine,” Rose assured. Because she breastfed, it was rare for somebody other than her to feed the babies. She knew Robert enjoyed the task though.

The sight of her nursing daughter made her breasts become tender. She would have to sneak away and pump soon. “I was just saying, we were about ready to do the cake. Did you want us to wait for you?”

“Nah, it’s all right,” he said. “I’ll join you when she’s done.”

Rose nodded and moved back to the kitchen, where she found James sticking six candles into the chocolate cake before sampling a bit of the peanut butter icing.

“I’m sure it doesn’t taste that different from when you made it last night,” Rose drawled, smacking at his hand.

“Well, you never know,” he said innocently. “A good scientist always performs an experiment to test that his hypothesis is still valid.”

“Uh huh,” Rose said dubiously. “Last I checked, scientists weren’t supposed to go around licking the science.”

“Oh… well… ehm…” James floundered for a few moments before turning away from her for the matches. “Is Dad coming? I set him up with Hannah and a bottle a few minutes ago.”

“He said to go on without him,” Rose answered. “After this, I’m gonna need to go pump unless I want my tits to start leaking all over the place.”

“Just not on the cake,” James said, pulling it away from her.

She swatted him halfheartedly, then went into the living room to let everyone know the cake was coming out in a minute. When she returned to the kitchen, James was touching a lit match to the last candle. The flame had burnt close to his fingers, and he hissed as he quickly blew it out and dropped the smoking match into the sink.

“Ready?” she asked, grabbing her camera off the kitchen island.

“As I’ll ever be,” he said, picking up the pan.

Rose guided him out into the living room, flicking the lights off as she did so. Sianin looked up excitedly at her and James as they approached and began to sing. As they sang, Sianin looked around the room at her family and friends before she stared into the flickering candles on the cake that James set on the coffee table in front of her.

Rose loved getting this shot, when the candles reflected in her child’s eyes and cast shadows across her face. If it wasn’t such a hazard, she would love to have fire in all of the photoshoots she did.

She took as many photos as she could of Sianin’s face scrunching up as she thought of a wish, then of her cheeks puffing up as she blew out her candles. The room broke into applause as she extinguished them all in one breath.

Sianin carefully pulled the candles out of the cake and licked off the crumbs and icing clinging to the waxy surface.

“We’ll all get some cake and ice cream, then we’ll do presents,” Rose said, carrying the cake back into the kitchen.

“You can go pump, I’ve got this,” James said, making a shooing motion with his hands.

Rose skipped up to him and pecked a kiss to his cheek in thanks.

When she returned, her breasts feeling much more comfortable, Sianin ripped through the multitude of gifts everyone brought for her. As soon as all the gifts were opened, she and her friends took over half the toys out of the packaging and began playing with them.

Rose sat back on the couch with a piece of cake and her camera. She took shots of all of the family as everyone began to wind down from the excitement of the party. The parents of Sianin’s friends would be arriving soon to pick up their kids, and hopefully that would entice the rest of the family to leave too. Being a party host was utterly exhausting and Rose was ready to have her house to herself again.

“Rose! Rose, come look! Quick!”

Rose lowered the camera from where she was about to catch a photo of Sianin and Ainsley. She turned towards her husband. He was sitting on the sofa with Maddie lying in the cradle of his thighs.

“She smiled at me,” he said. “I swear it. She actually, properly smiled at me!”

“Oh, don’t be stupid,” Jackie scoffed, even as she walked towards him. “She’s too little to smile.”

Rose rolled her eyes at her mother and had to bite her tongue to keep from reprimanding her in front of the other guests. She instead snapped a quick photo of James holding Maddie before she went to stand behind him. She draped her arms around his shoulders and looked down at their three-week-old baby who, as much as she didn’t want to admit her mother was right, probably hadn’t actually smiled at James.

“Do you want to smile for Mummy? Do you want to smile for Mummy? Or are you gonna be shy? No need to be shy, my darling, not with those beautiful big dimple-wimples and those lovely pink wittle gummy-wummies. Want to flash Daddy your gummy-wummies? Eh?”

Rose smiled fondly at her husband as he dissolved into his rarely-used baby babble. But then, as James started talking about her “big blue eyesie-wisies”, the baby’s lips quirked up and her eyes scrunched as she grinned.

“Oh!”

“Look at that beautiful wittle smile!” James crooned. “Maddie-Waddie has a beautiful wittle smile-wile, doesn’t she?”

Rose brought her camera up and, heedless of trying to get the perfect shot, began snapping photos at random, hoping that at least one would turn out well.

“Anybody would smile at your daddy’s silly voice,” Rose cooed. “Wouldn’t they? He sounds so funny, doesn’t he?”

“Yes he does,” James sang. “Yes he does!”

A crowd had formed a semi-circle around them, hoping to get a glimpse of Maddie’s first smiles. Everyone began making silly faces and speaking gibberish to try to be the next person to make a three-week-old baby miraculously smile; all they managed to do, however, was overstimulate her and send her into a whimpering fit.

oOoOo

Once all the partygoers had departed for the evening, the James and Rose collapsed in an exhausted heap on the couch. Everyone and everything was quiet. The twins had fallen asleep, and Sianin disappeared into her room with Ainsley to play with her new toys.

“We should clean up,” James mumbled, even as he rested his head on the back of the couch and closed his eyes.

“Mhm,” Rose agreed, sitting in a similar position. “In a moment, though.”

“Maybe two moments,” James replied.

They each dozed for the next hour, and when they awoke, they were groggy but somewhat refreshed. They used their rejuvenated energy to clean up the worst of the mess from the party.

They weren’t particularly hungry when dinnertime rolled around, but knew they ought to eat something more substantial than the snacks and birthday cake they’d eaten that afternoon.

“Ainsley, Sianin, are you hungry?” James called out as he moved down the hall. “We’ve got some leftover pizza.”

He leaned against the door frame of Sianin’s room; his daughters were playing with the multi-tiered toy car ramp that Jackie had brought as a gift.

“Girls, are you hungry?”

“A little,” Ainsley said, looking up at him. Sianin continued playing with her toy.

“Well, food’s in the kitchen,” he said, thumbing behind him.

When he returned, Rose was sprinkling cheese on top of her salad as she nibbled on a slice of cold pizza. He scooped out his own salad and stole a bite of Rose’s pizza, earning him a smack on the shoulder.

A few minutes later, Ainsley skipped into the kitchen alone.

“Sianin not hungry?” Rose asked.

“She’s angry with you,” Ainsley said before putting a piece of pizza in the microwave.

James paused with his fork half way to his mouth; a bit of salad dressing dripped onto the table.

“What do you mean?” Rose asked.

“Sianin’s angry with you,” Ainsley repeated unhelpfully.

James looked over at Rose, who seemed just as puzzled as he was.

“Why is she angry?” Rose asked.

Ainsley shrugged. “Nobody paid attention to her at her party.”

“Sure they did,” James argued.

“Not according to her,” Ainsley replied, popping open the microwave door a second before it would have beeped.

James was utterly confused. Sianin looked like she’d had fun at her party; she played with her friends the entire afternoon.

He and Rose moved at the same time, setting down their forks and pushing away from the table to walk down the hall to Sianin’s bedroom. Their almost-six-year-old was sitting on the floor exactly how James had left her ten minutes ago.

The toy she was playing with had five car ramps that all circled around each other, and Sianin was using them to cause a massive pile-up in the center where all the ramps ended. James thought the various ramps were to race the cars against each other; leave it to his daughter to prefer making them all crash.

They knocked on her open bedroom door right as she made an explosion sound with her mouth.

Sianin looked up at them briefly, then returned her attention to her toy, resolutely ignoring them. For good measure, she even scooted further around, turning her back completely to them.

“What are you playing with, darling?” James asked softly.

“Cars,” she answered shortly.

“Looks like fun.”

“Yup.”

“Can Mummy and I join you?”

“No.”

James clenched his hands into fists, his nails biting into his palms. How had they not noticed before that Sianin was upset?

“Why not, love?” Rose asked, stepping into the room.

She crouched in front of Sianin while James sat on the bed behind his wife. Sianin shrugged.

“Are you angry with us?” James asked quietly.

Sianin shrugged again.

“What’s the matter, darling?”

Many long seconds passed before she grumbled, “I hate the babies. They’re stupid and take up all the attention. It was my birthday party but everyone only wanted to see them.”

James’s chest caved in on itself, snatching the air from his lungs. “This is the first anyone has seen the twins. It was exciting for them.”

Sianin continued on as if he hadn’t spoken. “And when I blew out my candles, Grandad wasn’t even there. Then everyone went to go see Maddie smile. How is smiling that big a deal anyway? Everyone smiles.”

“That was her first smile, love.” Rose’s voice shook slightly. “There’s only one first smile.”

“What about a sixth birthday party?” Sianin shouted. “I only turn six once but no one cares ‘cos the babies are here instead!”

“That’s not true…”

“It is true. Everyone wanted to be with the babies instead of me.”

“We’re sorry, darling. Truly. But your sisters are very little and…”

“You’re making excuses!” she screamed, angry tears beginning to leak down her cheeks. She swiped at her face and said, “I don’t want you here. Leave me alone!”

James froze on the bed, not knowing what to do. He wanted to stay and comfort his child, but he was the reason his child needed comforting.

“Sianin, we’re so sorry…”

“Go away,” she wailed. “Go away!”

Rose stood up and tugged James to his feet. Together they exited Sianin’s bedroom, and after they made it a few steps down the hall, they heard her door slam shut, making them both flinch.

“Shit,” Rose whimpered, digging the heels of her hands into her eyes. “Shit!”

“What a mess,” James agreed, rubbing his hand up and down Rose’s arm. “We’ll let her cool off, then talk to her again.”

When they walked back into the kitchen, Ainsley was just finishing up her pizza.

“Told you she was angry.”

“Yes, thank you Ainsley,” James snapped.

Ainsley held up her hands defensively, then pushed back from the table to put her plate in the full sink.

“Can you help me load the dishwasher?” James asked.

“Don’t you want to finish eating?” Ainsley asked.

“Not very hungry. I ate too much at the party,” he lied. In truth, his appetite had been obliterated upon seeing Sianin’s distress. He dumped his salad into the trash and together, he and Ainsley filled the dishwasher to capacity then hand-washed the rest.

The evening passed slowly, with Ainsley and Rose reading on the couch and James pretending to read while his brain whirred frantically to figure out how to fix things with Sianin. Sure, a lot of the family had spent time with the twins, but they’d also spent time with Sianin, hadn’t they? And besides, Sianin had been with her friends for most of the party.

Unless she’d been with her friends so much because everyone’s attention was elsewhere.

Bugger, he said to himself.

James got through nearly fifty pages of his book without absorbing a single word, but finally it was time to get the girls ready for bed. Sianin was still in her room but playing with a different toy when he went to summon her.

“Sianin, bath time.”

“No. I don’t want to,” she said.

“Well, you have to,” he countered. “Come on.”

“I’ll do it myself,” she said, grudgingly getting to her feet. “Without you.”

“You can’t be in the bathtub by yourself,” he said. “It’s not safe.”

Sianin huffed out an annoyed breath, pushed past him, and marched to the loo.

“I’m gonna do it!” she said when he turned on the water out of habit.

“Sorry,” he said, turning it off.

He gestured for her to go ahead and turn on the tap and adjust the temperature however she wanted it. It took her much, much longer than it would have taken him, and he cringed as she stuck her hand under the stream when she had the dial set all the way to hot.

She yelped and yanked her hand away, then turned the tap to make it cold.

In the end, the bathtub was filled with water that was only tepid at best, but Sianin didn’t say a word as she stripped and lowered herself into the tub.

It was one of the most torturous bath times James had ever been a part of. Sianin was utterly silent and efficient in her movements, and she snapped at him whenever he tried to assist her.

“I’m trying to help,” he said defensively, setting down the shampoo bottle he’d been trying to hand to her. “Don’t be angry with me for that.”

Finally, Sianin finished bathing herself and stood up out of the now-cold water and drained the tub. Goosebumps prickled across her skin and she began shivering lightly as she pulled a towel around her body. Rather than dry herself off, Sianin hugged her towel tighter, a frown etched into her face.

“A bit chilly?” he asked gently.

She didn’t say anything.

“Do you want a warm Daddy hug?” he asked, opening his arms.

Sianin sniffed. “I can do it myself.”

“Of course you can,” he said. “But there’s no harm in getting a bit of help, too. Daddy will always be here to help his little girl, no matter what.”

Sianin glowered at the floor for a long minute before she stepped into his open arms. Her body was damp, but he pulled her close anyway. As soon as she was ensconced in his embrace, a violent shudder rippled through her body.

“My bath was cold,” she muttered sadly.

“I know,” he said. “You’ll get better at figuring out the right temperature.”

He held her in his arms for a few minutes, trying to warm her up. When her shivering subsided, he let her step away to dry herself off then change into pajamas. After she brushed her teeth, he followed her to her bedroom and dried her hair, but when he grabbed a book off the shelf, Sianin shook her head.

“I don’t want a bedtime story tonight,” she said, tucking herself further into her blankets.

“No?” he asked, his heart falling.

“No.”

“Okay,” he sighed. “If you change your mind, or want to talk, Mummy and I are always here for you.” He set the books back and stepped up to her. He kissed her forehead and whispered, “I love you, Sianin.”

“G’night,” she said, and she turned away from him.

James exited the room, pulling the door shut behind him. With a heavy exhale, he walked to Ainsley’s ajar bedroom door, and saw her sitting up in bed, reading.

“Did Mum read aloud with you?” he asked wearily, digging his forefinger into his eyes.

“Yeah,” she said. “Only a couple pages though ‘cos Hannah started crying.”

James stepped into the room. “Let’s finish out the chapter, eh?”

“It’s okay. You don’t have to,” Ainsley said.

“I want to.” And he did. Bedtime stories were one of his favorite parts of the night, and it killed him that one of his children hadn’t wanted one that night.

Ainsley scooted to the far edge of her mattress, giving him plenty of space to sit beside her.

“Is Sianin okay?” Ainsley asked, feathering her fingers through the pages of the book.

“She will be. She’s just a little upset tonight,” he answered. “Can you do me a really big favor? If she comes to you and wants to talk, can you listen? Or if she wants to sleep with you, can you let her? Let me and Mum know if it becomes a problem, but at least for the next couple of nights?”

Ainsley nodded, and he flashed her a small smile. “Thank you. Now, what’s going on with Harry and his mates?”

He lounged with his eldest as she read about the trio’s adventures with the Polyjuice potion. When she finished, he tucked her in, kissed her forehead, then turned off the lights. He pulled her door shut behind him, then made his way back to the living room.

Rose was sitting with the twins on the couch.

“That was the worst bedtime in the history of bedtimes,” he announced dramatically as he plopped into the seat beside her.

Rose pursed her lips in sympathy. “Hopefully Sian’s in a better mood tomorrow.”

“Yeah. God, I’m knackered. The party was exhausting enough, now our kid hates us.”

“I don’t think she hates us, James,” Rose said. “She’s just… upset.”

He grunted in reply. “Have we done something wrong? Did we not prepare her enough for having baby siblings?”

“I don’t know,” Rose admitted. “Let’s try not to worry about it too much now. There’s nothing we can do. Tomorrow, we’ll talk to her and see how we can help her adjust better.”

“Yeah. I wish we could’ve ended the day on better terms. This was supposed to be her day, after all. It was supposed to be fun.”

Rose didn’t say anything. She instead rested her head on his shoulder.

James pressed a kiss to her hair and stroked his fingers absently up and down one of the twins’ backs.

“Want her?” Rose asked.

“Please.” He slipped his hands beneath his baby’s tiny body and took her into his arms.

While his heart still hurt for Sianin, holding another of his daughters helped soothe the ache. The feel of her warm, solid body released a cocktail of hormones that loosened his taut muscles and attenuated his anxiety.

He brushed his lips across the top of her head, inhaling her fresh baby scent as he did so.

“Love you loads, my darling girl,” he murmured, kissing her again. “Which one are you, eh? Daddy promises he’ll get better at determining it.”

“You’ve got Mads.”

“How do you do that so easily?” he huffed.

“Well, I was the one who changed them into new outfits, and I knew Maddie was in purple while Hannah was in black,” Rose teased, knocking her shoulder into his.

James stuck his tongue out at her, but pressed a kiss to her temple.

“I love you, Rose.”

“I love you, too. We’ll get through this, James. I promise. We’ll figure it out.”

He nuzzled his cheek into her hair, taking comfort from her presence as they both lapsed into silence.

If you’ve made it to the end, consider leaving a comment or reblogging? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

#ficandchips #doctorroseprompts #dwfic #doctor who #ten x rose #ten x rose au #soulmates #soulmates au #james x rose #kid fic #family fic #baby fic #my fic #soulmates verse #perfectly matched series #family of six

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peaceout-sunshine-blog · 6 years

Text

The Silent One (2p!H2OWildcat)

Despite Delirious being fully able to speak, some scenarios in which he should be able to speak almost made him puke.

So, as things go, whenever it was unnecessary to speak, Delirious did no such thing.

Everyone got used to it. The silence coming from the sofa or the chair or even right next to them. Some found it comforting, others found it threatening.

Delirious picked a few special people to hear him, and although this voice was often quite hoarse after speaking for longer amounts of time after not speaking at all, those who were picked enjoyed it.

Those among the list were Evan, Luke, Marcel, and, the most surprising, Tyler.

It was said that Delirious hated Tyler. He couldn't stand him. If you asked either, you'd get completely different answers.

(Sure, one reason was that Delirious didn't really speak, but who cares?)

Tyler would most likely mumble out a collection of 'he doesn't's and 'of course not's, but few believed him.

Delirious would simply shrug and attempt to distract himself, but if it persisted he'd just get up and walk away.

But, when the two were left alone, they couldn't stop talking to each other. Gossiping about everyone else. Discussing the meals to come. It seemed that, if left alone, they were best friends.

And one could argue they were. Tyler sure as hell wouldn't deny it. Delirious wouldn't either.

Even Evan knew about the two. He didn't stop them. He had a small crush of his own, despite dating Delirious. The two often stayed up at night and gushed about what their crush had done that day.

The day that almost everyone left, except for Delirious and Tyler, the two left behind lay next to each other on the soft rug in Tyler's room.

"They tried to beat me up, but, uh, Ev' and Craig helped me out," murmured Tyler, bending a wire out of shape. Once he'd done that and was listening to Delirious go on and on, he unconsciously began to gnaw and bite on the wire.

Delirious noticed this, and quickly took it from him. He narrowed his eyes. "Ty', no."

"Jonathan, what... No, give it back, please, God, cmon!"

Jonathan rolled his eyes and began to bend the wire into a circle. "You're gonna fuck up your teeth," he mumbled, "and we don't need that, now do we?"

Tyler crossed his arms. His brows furrowed out of frustration. Damn, this kid, though.

"Give it back. Please."

"No thanks. Get a lollipop or something else, 'cause this–" Jonathan waved the wire, "is not good for you."

Tyler scooted closer to him, scoffing as he began to speak. "Well, sir, it calms me down. And if I have a wire in my mouth, people won't bother me."

"No ones here, though."

"I know. They're coming back soon." He uncrossed his arms and tried to grab Jonathan's arm. The other moved away.

"Which means you don't need this until they come back. And if they yell a'chu, yell for me."

Tyler, despite thinking it was incredibly stupid, agreed.

That night, when everyone say to eat, Jonathan made sure to sit next to Tyler and Evan both.

Surprise surprise, a few people decided to tease and pick on Tyler.

Brock and Lui.

The two whores, in my opinion.

"Hey, hey, Wildcat, have you seen that clown that hides from gays in our yard?" Lui asked, a shit-eating grin on his face.

Tyler let out a sigh as he picked at his food. He didn't respond.

"Of course he hasn't," Brock mumbled,"Have you seen him? He's clearly gay."

A few murmurs sounded around the table, some agreeing and others just responding with something along the lines of that's not what your mom said or you sure would know, wouldn't you?

Brock glared at the ones who didn't agree.

Evan decided to speak up before things could get too ugly. "Hey, just- just eat your food, alright? I'd rather have a normal dinner for once."

Luke agreed. "Same here. Might as well eat supper in peace, right, Delirious?"

Jonathan forced himself to bob his head.

"Well, perhaps you should've thought of that before you joined," David put in. Lui glanced over at him and mumbled something that sounded like an insult. Must have been, Jonathan decided, as David scoffed and picked at his food.

Tyler sighed. "Just shut up, please, alright? Evan, you... Sorry, whatever, just eat, just do whatever. I'm tired of hearing this crap, and I'm sure Delirious is too."

Jonathan nodded, a bit more enthusiastic.

Brock laughed. "Wow, you got him up real quick, right, Tyler? Almost as if you two did something...."

Tyler, being easily set off, stared down at his lap as he murmured different words to calm himself down.

Marcel happened to notice this, despite being a few people away. He stood quickly and rushed to help Tyler calm down.

Lui giggled and winked at Marcel as he did, tongue sticking out. Marcel huffed and ushered Tyler away.

Now, if the idiots would've looked at Jonathan closely and looked into his eyes, they could see how angry he was. But they didn't.

Jonathan stood, putting a hand on his waist. Evan and Luke prepared themselves for yelling, as they saw Jonathan open his mouth, but he closed it and instead flipped Brock and Lui off.

And that made them both mad.

They shoved their chairs back while they stood, both immediately running off. Jonathan seemed to know exactly what they were doing, and dodged the other chairs to rush after them. A few others stood and did the same.

Tyler's soft voice was heard from Marcel's room, shaky and gentle.

"I- I just have no idea what to do anymore. They don't have anything to say to me because I'm bi, they're pan and gay. No one would date Brock, though. Except Brian. God, he's such a... a... c-can I curse?..."

"Go ahead," Marcel responded.

"He's such a goddamn idiot... He knows what he's done and what he's doing, so why does he keep doing it? I'm surprised I'm not dead yet!"

Lui and Brock burst into the room. Brock seemed more offended than Lui, but it was understandable.

Tyler's head shot up from the sky blue covers, his eyes widening. Marcel reached out to grab his hand before he managed to bruise himself from how hard he was gripping his arm.

"You little fuckin' whore! I can't believe you! Insulting me and my boyfriend!"

Brian stepped foot into the room as soon as Brock got the words out of his mouth. "Brockie, just come calm down, alright? You're worked up," he cooed. "Remember? We need to work on your anger..."

"Babe, he literally said you're an idiot for dating me!"

"Well, in his defense, he ain't wrong."

Brock scoffed. "We're gonna go change that mindset right the fuck now." He gripped Brian's wrist as he passed, Brian waving at Marcel and Tyler as he was dragged out.

Lui stared at the doorway before sighing. Jonathan strolled in.

"Hey, hoes, y'all ready for me to yell?"

"Oh, uh, Jon, you don't need to- please."

".... Why not?"

"We have it under control, I- I just overreacted, they were just teasing me and making jokes, it's fine..."

Jonathan walked to the bed, plopping down right next to Tyler. He shooed Lui out quickly.

"Ty', you gotta understand that it's only a joke if everyone is laughin'. Otherwise it's terror. They don't need to tease you about damn shit! You're pretty and squishy and thick and I just wanna squeeze you to death."

"Please do." Tyler sighed. He leaned into Jonathan, his eyes slowly closing. "They're gonna murder me the next time you're not around," he murmured.

"Are they? I don't think so."

"Really?"

"Really. Love you?"

"Love you," Tyler agreed.

#h2odelirious #H2ODelirious #H20Delirious #H2O Delirious #H2OWildcat #h2owildcat #I AM WILDCAT #IAMWILDCAT #bbs #banana bus squad #bbs crew #bbs oneshot #i legit almost used up all of this theres a little more at the bottom smh

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literarygoon · 3 years

Photo

Kathryn could tell I was tired.

We leaned together against the clammy white metal of the Spirit of British Columbia’s guard rail as the purple moon submerged below the ocean. The horizon looked like a wound. At least with Spencer I’d had some advance notice, but now I was being faced with accompanying my own sister to the next world? I took a long drag of my Belmont and exhaled dragon-style. Grief was kicking my ass, and I didn’t know how much more I could take. This seemed more like a chore for Mom, but she’d chosen me.

Kathryn was lost in thought, sadly gazing into eternity as a pod of whales breached off the starboard. She'd swum with dolphins Down Under, travelled through Europe and South America, and was proposed to in an underground cave in New Zealand. She was a profoundly classy woman, and in love with the world in exactly the same way I was. She wore tight white jeans with heels and a flowery blue blouse. Her earrings looked like they would cost me a paycheck, and her designer bag hung from one elbow.

“Some people believe that death isn’t the end, that we’re all just energy transforming from one version of matter to the next. They say we have a collective consciousness, like a hive mind, and that we’re reunited with it when we die,” I said.

“But that doesn’t actually make me feel any better about this.”

She smiled. "You're making things harder than they have to be. You’re not even supposed to understand yet, so you may as well stop trying. If I tried to put it into the English language for you, well, your brain would explode."

I fixed my sunglasses, even though it was getting dark. I like wearing my sunglasses at night. “I thought I had all this clarity about how things went down, this insight into your headspace and how we could’ve helped you better. Then the grief drove me berserk. Did you hear I crashed my RAV? I figured believing you were still alive — even if it wasn't true — was preferable to leaving you dead in that basement."

That’s when she laughed, and it was a beautiful thing.

"Well, I'm not in the basement anymore," she said, with a delighted smile. "We're all big cosmic whales flying through the night sky, if you want to picture that. I'm not in pain anymore. That's a fact. That's real. You don't need to come up with fancy metaphors to believe that."

Kathryn had always been into numbers. I was into words.

That's when she turned to me. Kathryn rarely made eye contact, but when she did it was instantly invasive. She had a special knack for cocking her head to one side, sizing someone up, and then identifying their greatest weakness like it was a game. Sometimes I felt like nothing but an Excel spreadsheet to her, one with alarming numbers. For years she'd held it against me, my financial recklessness and my tendency to entangle with nightmarishly bitchy women. She put her hand on my chest, and her nails were immaculate.

"You're the one who keeps comparing yourself to Jesus," she said. "So how come I’m the the one actually getting crucified?"

She pinched the cigarette between my fingers and stubbed it out on the rail half-gone.

“And smoking is gross, sweetie."

Suddenly I felt like I was going to vomit. Lately I'd been having these panic attacks, being forced to wear these goddamn pandemic masks, and more than once I had to charge out of a store without purchasing anything because I felt like I couldn't breathe. Was that what she felt, in the end? When she died, was there that moment of panic like she was underwater? Or was she unconscious through it all, lulled into her own special dream world?

She pulled her fitted Lululelon hoodie closer, and for a long moment we felt the Pacific wind whisper and tug at our clothes. I thought about how I drove her up the Sea to Sky Highway when she was in high school, how I took pictures of her in front of Shannon Falls. The wind was like all the pathetic spirits in Ursula the Sea Witch's cave, yearning for salvation and immortality. Looking for their voices amidst the grey swamp of their lives. But Kathryn never believed in life after death; church was just a playground for her.

"We found out our next kid's going to be a boy," I said, pulling out another cigarette and changing the subject. "We were going to name him Jethro but Mom and Dad think that makes him sound like a bumpkin. Something about hillbillies."

She snorted, amused. She always wanted to be involved in the name game. "I still think you should get Tyler in there. Jason and Nathan work pretty well too. Maybe Silas."

"I'm going to leave it up to Kristina to choose this time."

She nodded her head approvingly. "You're finally starting to get it. It’ll be fun watching you become a Dad."

Now I could sense the dream was coming to an end, but it was too soon. What about our Matrix-style world-saving project? She was my Trinity, my reason, my back-up. What about all the work we'd done over the years, just to become ourselves? All the training and swimming and competing? Together we were supposed to go after the cartels and the rapists and the pimps, right? At least that’s what I told the nurses, right before they pinned me to the ground and stabbed me in the right ass cheek with a needle.

My mind was working extra hard to convince myself that reality didn’t exist, that this was all an elaborate hoax that was part of a larger cause. Was Studio 58 involved somehow? Could you really fake a death that realistically? They can do crazy stuff with makeup these days. I wondered what he said to her that day at Royal Jubilee, when she came staggering out of his bathroom crying? What did she know that I didn’t?

The fact was, my little sister had accepted some extra-dimensional assignment without telling me first. She was like Ripley shipping out on the Nostromo, getting ready to go into hyper-sleep, and I wouldn’t be there to help fight off the aliens. Get away from her, you bitch!

“We're bringing you with us to Duncan," I said. "I don't give a shit, I'm building a fucking shrine. And we're going to write a book about you too. Auntie Kathryn’s New Job. We’ll talk about you every day. I promise.”

A single tear jiggled in her left eye, and she scooped it away with her sparkly blue fingernail. She gave so much of herself away, but rarely got much in return. I don’t understand why that was. There was a reason we were alone right now, just the two of us on this final Christmas voyage, a secret that we'd kept from the other eight members of our family. That's what they'd taught us in recovery: we're only as sick as our secrets. She knew all of mine, even the ones I didn't realize.

“I need you to tell Geoff something for me.”

I took off my sunglasses, and turned to face her. I’d never been close with her ex-husband, and felt a protective tribal loyalty that made me distrustful. But this was bigger than that. She died with his ring still on her finger, and their wedding had been one of the happiest days of my life. Of course I would do anything for her. She pursed her lips as she paused, looking down at her feet unsteadily.

“I want you to tell him that I forgive him, for everything, and that I loved him right until the end, exactly how he was. I want you to say those precise words, okay? He’s going to move on with his life eventually, and that’s okay, but tell him that I’ll be waiting for him when he passes over. Just like at the end of Titanic.”

“Or The Time Traveler’s Wife.”

She laughed. “Yeah, that would work too.”

The Kootenay Goon

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thepatricktreestump · 6 years

Text

black & red

eight : Tyler

// gender neutral reader and trigger warnings throughout //

It was strange to think that Tyler hadn’t actually spent a whole lot of time with y/n physically. Of course they had texted and called and spent a couple dates together, but to live together in an apartment for two weeks, it seemed strange. Not that he was against the idea. Tyler absolutely loved spending time with y/n. The thing was, he had just never spent an entire night with them. Reason being, he had no idea when Blurryface would come out. A lot of times he would be able to race off to a bathroom or nearest exit and lie about feeling sick or having really bad stomach issues, but living in the same place, with nowhere to run, no more excuses, it truly terrified Tyler. A part of him wished he could just scream the truth. That maybe if he revealed all of himself to y/n then they would accept him and understand him.

“Hi!” y/n greeted him at the door and he blinked twice, reeled back into reality.

“Oh, hey,” he gave a soft smile. “I have my stuff.” Tyler lifted up his duffel bag and backpack.

“Awesome,” they grinned. “Did you bring your ukulele?”

“Uh, yeah. Actually I did,” he laughed. “How come?”

“I don’t know. I thought maybe you could play a little for me,” they shrugged. “Wouldn’t hurt, right? Just a mini private show?”

“Not at all,” Tyler agreed.

“I also found an awesome homemade cookie recipe I thought we could make,” y/n added. “I picked up the ingredients yesterday and I was thinking we could bake them, watch some Netflix, and then cuddle on the couch and eat them with ice cream while listening to some Death Cab for Cutie.”

“You know me so well,” Tyler smirked, giving them a kiss on the forehead. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” they blushed. “Let’s get your bags to my room and then we’ll head to the kitchen.”

“Y-your room?” Tyler stammered.

“Well yeah,” y/n chuckled. “You’re not staying in Josh’s room, are you?”

“Oh, no yeah…” he shook his head. “I just, I didn’t know we were uh, sleeping together or anything like that.”

“Why wouldn’t we?” y/n frowned.

“I just, I didn’t-” Tyler fought to find his words.

“It’s alright if you don’t want to, I mean, you can stay in Josh’s room if you wanted to. That’s totally fine,” y/n quickly reassured.

“No I just, ugh,” Tyler ran a hand through his hair. “Never mind. It’s fine. I’ll stay with you.”

“Just cause we’re sleeping together doesn’t mean we have to have sex,” y/n rolled their eyes, giving Tyler a playful jab in the arm, making his entire face turn red. “Come on, silly.”

“Right,” Tyler cleared his throat, trying to hide his anxiety. He was totally new at this whole relationship thing, much less sleeping in the same bed as his significant other.

“Come on, I’ll help you carry your stuff and then we’ll go make the cookies,” y/n decided.

Tyler did as told, cracking a couple jokes and trying to relax. Y/n was wearing just a tank top, and Tyler couldn’t help but take a peek at their shoulders, his eyes drifting towards their chest before flickering back up to their face, nodding at whatever they had just said. They walked back to the kitchen, Tyler taking y/n’s hand in his, making them blush. Tyler loved watching them cook, mostly because they were so precise and deliberate about following every little step, taking precaution to wash their hands or cut the package open with scissors, but also playful enough to steal a little bit of cookie dough here and there. They had the sweetest smile, and their laugh was almost as if a song. If Tyler could put words and a melody and piano keys and ukulele chords to the way he felt when he was around y/n, he would never run out of songs to write. But somehow, he found them absolutely indescribable, unable to be confined to a simple tune or strum of an instrument.

“I love you,” Tyler mumbled as he wrapped his arms around their waist as they cracked two eggs into the mixing batter. They tilted their head back to face him, lips spreading out in a smile.

“I love you too,” they grinned. Tyler leaned in to plant a kiss on their lips, his entire body radiating with a warm fuzzy happy feeling inside. Kissing y/n always made him feel that way.

“Anything I can do to help besides just standing here and staring at you?” Tyler giggled.

“How about you mix this, yeah?” they raised an eyebrow and Tyler smiled.

“Of course,” he nodded. He picked up a spoon, trying to break the egg yolk and mix it with the rest of the ingredients. They had already made one batch, which was now sitting in the oven, but were starting on a second to eat sometime tomorrow.

“Use your hands,” y/n instructed, giving a soft laugh. “It’s much easier that way.”

“O-okay,” Tyler stammered. He tried to knead the mix as if it were bread dough. Y/n stood beside him, looking down, frowning slightly.

“It’s easier if you roll up your sleeves,” they argued, reaching out to tug up the hem when Tyler instantly took a step back, panicking. He jerked his hand away from y/n’s grasp, ending up sending the bowl toppling to its side on the counter, flour and egg yolk and sugar pouring onto the surface. Tyler swallowed hard, staring at the scene, face turning red, starting to hyperventilate. The last thing he wanted to do was cause a fuss and yet here he was. He closed his eyes tight, already feeling Blurryface rise up within him.

“Look what you did now, fuck up,” Blurry growled in the back of his mind. “I bet y/n’s just going to love you making a mess of the kitchen. Can’t even mix the goddamn cookie dough. Pathetic.”

“Shut up,” Tyler mumbled, closing his eyes tighter.

“Hey,” y/n’s eyes softened, becoming concerned, putting a hand on Tyler’s shoulder only to have him flinch, and they instantly pulled their hand away. “You alright, Tyler?”

“No,” he barely whispered. “I-I’m so s-sorry y/n.” He instantly raced out of the room and darted towards the bathroom, already feeling the paint start to drip from his pores, the red stinging sensation burning his eyes, his throat turning to sandpaper. He made a beeline for the door and instantly slammed it closed, locking it before sinking down to the floor, holding his face in his hands, hyperventilating.

“Oh silly Tyler,” Blurry chuckled softly. “You were so stupid to think this would work. Spend two whole weeks with y/n? And think you could just get rid of me?”

“Go. Away. Blurry.” Tyler tugged at the locks of his hair, feeling the urge to let the pain inside of him find an exit, the mentality become physicality.

“Why didn’t you show them?” Blurryface taunted. “Why didn’t you roll up your sleeves? Show off your jagged red scabbed lines that run across your arms? Show them how fucking worthless you really are. Then maybe they’ll see that you truly don’t deserve them.”

“Leave me alone,” Tyler begged, tears started to form in his eyes. He heard a knocking on the door and his stomach lurched.

“Tyler?” y/n called out his name and Tyler felt absolutely sick. “You alright in there?”

“Open up the door,” Blurryface insisted. “Let them see me. Then they’ll really want you to leave for good.”

“Stop,” Tyler was whimpering at this point, tears welling up his eyes, mind swirling. How the fuck was he supposed to make it go away? How was he supposed to explain this to y/n? How was he ever going to be able to get his sanity back? He was foolish for ever thinking a relationship could work. Josh barely even understood Blurryface.

“That’s right you fool,” Blurry smirked, reading Tyler’s mind. “Y/n will leave. And Josh will leave. And I will have you all to myself.”

“Tyler? You okay?” y/n’s voice made Tyler feel nauseous, and he balanced himself against the door, scrambling up, then vomiting into the sink. It tasted metallic and gruesome, and Tyler stared down into the sink, watching the blood trickle into the drain. Oh god, no.

“It’s so beautiful, isn’t it?” Blurry tilted his head to the side, giving a small dark laugh. “To see your very own insides poured out only to drip down the drain. Kind of a shame.”

“B-blurry…” Tyler closed his eyes, both of his hands trying to sturdy himself before turning on the faucet, the water slowly washing away the crimson red. What was happening to him? To his body? His mind? His life?

He looked up in the mirror, staring face to face at the monster he had become, red eyes and black hands and pale face staring back at him. Tyler felt sick all over again. “It’s okay,” y/n’s voice called out, and Tyler listened as they rested their palm against the wood of the wood. “Just tell me what’s going on. I promise I’ll listen, baby.”

“Please,” Tyler attempted to beg Blurryface to leave, gazing at the red eyes in the mirror with desperateness. “Just leave me the fuck alone.”

“Ty…” y/n’s broken voice drifted through the door. “I love you.”

Tyler closed his eyes, letting their voice resonate in his head, taking a deep breath. When he opened his eyes and looked back into the mirror, Blurry was gone. The red eyes had vanished, the paint slowly fading, the scratchiness of his voice healing. Strange. There was a jostle of the doorknob, and Tyler wiped away some of his leftover tears, then sniffled, clearing his throat. He glanced in the mirror before opening up the door. What was the going to tell y/n? “Sorry,” was the first thing that spilled from his mouth as soon as he made eye contact with them.

“It’s alright,” they reassured. “Uh, are you alright?”

“Y-yeah,” Tyler stammered.

“You sure?” y/n insists.

“I’m sure,” Tyler nodded. Although he knew very well that he was not sure of it. Not at all.

#black & red #blurryface #Blurryface fanfiction #Blurryface fanfic #Blurryface imagines #Blurryface x reader fanfiction #Blurryface x reader fanfic #Blurryface x reader imagines #tyler joseph fanfiction #tyler joseph x reader fanfiction #tyler joseph imagines #twenty one pilots fanfiction #twenty one pilots #twenty one pilots x reader #gender neutral reader #trigger warnings

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flynnspeaks · 7 years

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Flynn Marathons Doctor Who, Part III

(for anyone needing caught up--I’m doing a watch of Doctor Who from the very beginning of the show, bingewatching it by episode instead of by serial (which I find to be closer to the original spirit of the episodes, albeit still nothing like it at all), and then doing a writeup roughly every three serials or so)

Starting off Season 2 (which is, for the record, one of my all-time favorite seasons of the show):

Planet of Giants: Such an odd duck, isn’t it? I don’t think in the entire first block of the show there’s an episode that’s so “well this is nothing like the rest of the show” as this one is, which is ironic given this was the first premise for an episode attempted for the show. That being said, it’s really rather charming, essentially being “Doctor Who intrudes on an episode of the Avengers” before that kind of intrusion became standard, the effects work surprisingly well, and losing the fourth episode does wonders for the pacing. I’m in the minority that I don’t care for the “Barbara gets poisoned with the insecticide” plotline, but Hill sells it amazingly, and the scenes between her and Hartnell are sublime as always.

(random little notes: the way they frame the exposition to be simultaneously told by the Doctor to Barbara and by Susan to Ian via crosscutting is remarkably sophisticated. I never got the chance when I was discussing The Sensorites to comment on how good the direction was, and lo and behold, Mervyn Pinfield directed both serials (or at least, the episodes in question that made me notice the direction). Also, it’s still so goddamn weird to see Alan Tilvern in these episodes, because in my mind he will always be R.K. Maroon from Who Framed Roger Rabbit?)

The Dalek Invasion of Earth: Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh this one always makes me giddy. By miles the best Hartnell Dalek story (which, admittedly, isn’t saying a whole lot), and for my money the first bona-fide classic the series produces after its first episode. This and The Rescue mark a real turning point for the show, and the next run of episodes really cement the Lambert era as one of my all-time favorites in the series.

So, the episode itself. One of the things that really stuck out to me on this watch was, despite being really poorly structured in comparison to The Daleks it paces so much better. This is I think partly because Nation finds a lot more to do with his premise here than he did last time, but mostly because The Daleks only had the Thaals to interact with as characters, where here we have a really rock solid supporting cast (our first since “The Aztecs”, though “Reign” at least had Lamaitre), with Tyler, Jenny, and Dortmun all being good, engaging characters, and even smaller parts like Ashton or Craddock given a lot of color from their actors (David is a bit of a wet fish, mostly due to his role as generic love interest. Still, it’s hard not to think about how improved the serial would be if his actor switched places with Tyler). The episodes are also littered with side characters that enliven the piece and give a great picture of the larger world--Ian’s excursion with Larry and Wells, with Larry discovering his brother was turned into a Roboman, or Barbara and Jenny coming across the two old women who sell them out to the Daleks in exchange for food. Yeah, in the midst of that we also get the Slither and the awful padding of Episode 5, but man, isn’t it great that for once a six-parter only has one episode of bad padding?

This is also one of the first episodes we’ve gotten in a while where it genuinely feels like each companion has something interesting to do--though in the end its still Barbara that gets the best showcase. I love her interactions with Jenny, and the whole arc with her essentially inspiring Jenny from callous hopelessness into believing she can actually make a difference is lovely. Especially given that the change comes in the form of Barbara mowing down Daleks in a truck. But even Ian gets some great moments, which is rare (”get new orders” is one of my favorite lines in the serial). And of course this is a great showcase for Hartnell, who here becomes the Doctor we know and love. His initial spar with the Dalek is delightful, as is his figuring out the prison key with Ian (“we shall have to ‘Boyle’ this down, now, shan’t we?”). This is where Hartnell enters the ‘loveable grandfather’ stage of his performance, and it’s absolutely delightful.

And then, of course, there’s Susan. So, I’m staking a claim here--I actually think this is an incredibly well-written companion departure that’s handled very gracefully, and not for nothing does it become the model for a lot of future companion departures (most notably The Green Death). Having said that, I do have to hedge against myself a little bit--as well-written as it is, Susan’s departure is incredibly problematic. Given that her arc through the episode is centered around her own maturity and finding her place in the world, the resolution being essentially that the Doctor gives her away and she gets married off is just yucky and outmoded even for 1964.

And I want to be clear, it’s not the quickness of the romance that makes this an issue--a lot of people complain that she’s just randomly thrown off with the first guy she shows an attraction to, and that’s not what I think is the problem. For what it is, the David/Susan relationship is actually incredibly well-done, with the both of them being able to bond in a real, human way, and one that’s intensified by the hardships they endure together. But it wouldn’t matter if it was rushed or if David was a plot arc that had been building 5 serials ago--the idea that for Susan to mature and leave the Doctor she has to get married is awwwwwful, and displays a reductive and sexist view of gender roles that a lot more people should pillory Nation for (worse that, as I said, this forms the basis of a lot of future companion departures, which essentially means that when they don’t have a good idea on how to get rid of a companion, they’ll marry them off (Leela and Peri are the worst offenders here)).

All that said...I do think you can create redemptive readings that hedge against the ickiness, and a large part of that is how much the episode focuses on Susan and builds her interiority. The episode continually stresses Susan’s desire to belong somewhere, and we see often how much the idea of staying with David and rebuilding the Earth appeals to her--especially by the end where she desperately wants to stay, but crucially feels she can’t abandon her grandfather. That’s the crucial thing about her departure, which is that she actually does want to go off somewhere on her own, but doesn’t feel she can because of a fealty to the Doctor. This is why he ends up pushing her out--he knows simultaneously that she won’t leave him by choice and that leaving him is really the best thing for her--that he’s essentially holding her back,

So he makes the choice any good parent or teacher does, and essentially pushes her out of the nest. This is what makes the actual departure so effective for me--the Doctor does not want to actually leave Susan, but feels he must for her own growth (”your future lies with David, and not with a silly old buffer like me”) It’s exceedingly problematic that marriage is treated as such a necessary part of that growth, but all the same it’s rare that a companion departure be treated with this much focus on the wants and needs of the companion herself, and I think that focus makes the episode really sing in the end.

(oh, and also the main plot is that the Daleks want to carve out the earth and drive it around as a spaceship. How can I not love it?)

The Rescue: Absolutely delightful. Just as the previous serial was the model for future companion departures, this becomes the model for future companion intros, and for good reason. This one’s great for most of the reasons people say it is, so I don’t have a lot to add, except to say that the Vicki/Ian/Barbara trio might be my all-time favorite TARDIS team, and Vicki’s quiet little “oh, I’d like to, yes, if you’ll have me” when Barbara asks her to join them is heartbreakingly sweet. If I was to pick a random Hartnell episode to show to someone who’s never seen the era before, it’d be this one without a doubt.

(also, I love the Doctor’s little monologue to himself...”I wonder if I was to tell Ian [landing on Dido] was deliberate, whether he’d believe me or not...oh no, of course, I was asleep! Ohhh, pity.”)

#flynn marathons doctor who #doctor who #classic who #first doctor #long post

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band-blogging · 7 years

Text

iRobot

Request: Could you do one-shot with Josh Dun based by song Irobot by Jon Bellion?I thing you would do amazing because because the one with alien was soooo goood… (I hope my grammar was good😂)

Characters: Josh Dun x Reader, Tyler Joseph

Warnings: Talk of anxiety, cursing, death

Josh remembers you so clearly, every detail, even now. Even after everything that’s happened.

He remembers your smile, even though it took you a while to show him how beautiful it was. He remembers how carefully you chose your words, how each one held meaning no matter how insignificant they may have been to anyone else. He remembers your lips, how they looked, the way they moved when you spoke. How they felt.

He never imagined you would turn on him. But he should have known.

He remembers your shaking hands as you held a gun in your hand, the barrel pointed towards his chest. You were silent in the moment and he can still see the tears brimming in your eyes. You were never heartless, even though that’s what some people assumed. You were just broken, maybe more so than himself.

But you refused to open up to him or to anyone. Not fully. Your eyes weren’t full of life like other’s were. They seemed dull, and he hated that he knew why.

He remembers the slight rasp in your voice. How it was never perfectly smooth.

He thought it was beautiful.

But you spoke to him more clearly then you ever had when you were about to kill him. He could tell you were doing your best to keep your voice from shaking, but he could still hear it. He had learned to pick up those little things about you.

“I’m sorry.”

The only thing he doesn’t remember clearly is when you pulled the trigger. The bullet shot toward him and everything happened in an instant. He was on the ground, bleeding, gasping for air that wouldn’t come no matter how hard he tried to fill his lungs.

He remembers your last word, the last word he heard from you, at least. A broken sob that sounded like his name.

Then he remembers seeing flashes of his messed up life, going in between memories and a blackness that he had never experienced. He didn’t think things could get that dark.

That was the day that Joshua Dun died.

You remember the first time you pulled the trigger. It hit the target that had been set up in front of you near the edge and you remember the disappointed sighs of the people who thought you would be a better shot.

You remember the face of the first man you almost killed, and you remember collapsing in front of him, dropping the gun with tears streaming down your face, trying not to acknowledge the fact that oh my god, I almost killed him.

You remember the first time you pulled the trigger. The first time you took someone’s life. You remember the second time and the third time and you remember their names and the reason they couldn’t live and what they looked like and you remember all of the nights you’ve stayed awake because when you close your eyes, they’re suddenly in front of you again. They’re crying and they’re asking you things: why did you let this happen, why did you do this to us, why did you put us through this, why did you put yourself through this-

I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know I don’t knowIdon’tknowIdon’tknow-

You remember torturing yourself night after night because of the horrible things that you have done, yet you still do it because you have to. You’ve dug yourself into a hole and you’ve been finding that digging in is much easier than climbing out.

You remember trying to tell them that you couldn’t do it anymore. You could feel yourself slowly going insane and you knew that if you kept going you were going to break.

It’s not easy, you knew that coming in.

They told you there was no way, they tried to be decent and not tell you what would really happen.

And you didn’t realize what they meant when they said they knew you wouldn’t leave until you saw her picture on a screen. She was their leverage, that one little detail that was actually the most important thing in your life and they knew they had you moving in the direction they needed you to move.

That’s my sister.

It was an obvious move. You’re not a pawn, they haven’t degraded you to something that insignificant. You’re more like a bishop, and you’ve sacrificed yourself trying to protect the queen. Your queen.

The only person that’s ever mattered.

You’re going to do what we say, no questions asked.

And you nodded because you’ve been in this long enough to know that bluffs don’t exist. They know where your sister lives and they know where she works and what she looks like and you know exactly what they would do if you were to walk out. They know how they would make you the first person to find out that she’s gone. They know exactly how to break you and they’ve done a great job so far.

You remember thinking of him as a distraction at first. A distraction from everything horrible and wrong in your life. You remember feeling something for him a few weeks after it started…something real, and thinking what the hell have I done when you realized that maybe you actually wanted to be with him.

You remember Josh the same way he remembers you.

Both of you were just out of reach.

You go to the same coffee shop at least once a week, just to make life seem somewhat normal. More normal than it really is.

You sit in the same booth everyday, in the back corner of the shop, hidden from prying eyes.

You pull out your phone, sighing when you see you have a few texts.

It wasn’t uncommon for you to have a text from an unknown number telling you that they wanted to meet with you at some random location. Your number has been distributed so that people can contact you if they have certain things that need to be taken care of. Things that they can’t do if it means having blood on their hands.

You’re in too deep and wouldn’t it be a waste of energy, all that digging, to just stop with no way of climbing out. Better to just go deeper.

Then, under the vague text from the stranger that has every intention of making you kill someone, is a text from your sister.

Y/S/N: Hey! I was wondering if you would want to come over tonight. I want you to meet my boyfriend

You smile, remembering when your sister told you about this perfect guy that she had met the other day. You had told her how happy you were for her, I can’t wait to meet him!

Y/N: See you tonight!!

Y/S/N: Awesome! He invited his friend over too, so you’ll get to meet them both

She doesn’t know.

She doesn’t know about the job and the innocent people that you’re forced to kill. But she knows that you’re struggling and she knows that when you show up at her house, tears in your eyes and guilt evident in your expression that all you need is someone to sit with you so that you know you’re not alone. Because that’s something that you desperately need to be reminded.

She thinks you have anxiety. She thinks that’s the cause of your shaking hands and your nightmares and constant paranoia, and maybe that’s part of it. Maybe that’s what has developed over years of killing innocents. Goddamn anxiety.

But your hands only shake when you’re not holding a gun and you’re only paranoid when you’re around her because, oh god, what if they’re here? What if they take her from me?

You’re fine other then that, you smile when you know people expect you too and act like a normal, excited sister when she tells you about her boyfriend.

He’s perfect! Oh my god, what if we get married? What if he’s the one? Y/N, he’s amazing!

She never stops talking about him. This perfect boyfriend that tends to her every need and seems to care more about her then he cares about himself.

And he can sing and play piano and his friend plays drums and they want to start a band, how hot is that

You hold your phone in one hand, ringing the doorbell to her two-story house with the other, hearing her footsteps quickly approaching.

You smile softly at your sister, who is looking at you with messy hair and wide eyes that tells you that you may have interrupted her and this perfect boyfriend of hers.

“Do I need to have the sex talk with you that mom never had?”

She rolls her eyes and takes your arm, pulling you in the house.

“Can you keep your voice down?” she scolds, smacking your arm. “He’s here you know.”

“I can’t, actually. And I also don’t care,” you say, smirking at her. “So, where is he?”

“In the living room, so hurry up and take your coat off, I want you to meet him.”

“Stop rushing me.”

Once you’ve put all your stuff down, she takes your arm again and pulls you through the kitchen, into the living room where her boyfriend is waiting on the couch with his hands in his lap and his face flushed.

“Tyler,” your sister says, getting the brown haired boy’s attention, “this is my sister, Y/N.”

You smile, giving him a little wave as he stands.

“Hey, nice to meet you,” Tyler says. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”

“Oh man, you must hate me already,” you say, making him laugh.

“I only told him the embarrassing stuff.”

“Fantastic.”

Tyler laughs at the two of you and you take the opportunity you have.

“Well, I’ve heard a lot about you,” you tell Tyler, almost laughing when your sister tenses next to you. “Musician, singer, extremely attractive.”

Y/S/N’s eyes widen and not long after you feel her elbow connect with your hip, making you gasp.

“Jerk.”

You laugh along with Tyler, who walks up to your sister and wraps an arm around her waist, planting a kiss on her forehead.

“You’re so cute, babe,” he says with a laugh, looking down at your pouting sister.

Another knock at the door interrupts your laughter and Tyler perks up.

“That’s probably Josh, I’ll get it.”

Once Tyler is out of the room, Y/S/N looks at you expectantly.

“He’s alright,” you say with a shrug, trying to force the smile off your face.

“Oh, come on,” Y/S/N groans, “you’re being difficult.”

“Am I? I didn’t notice.”

That earns you a punch in the stomach and you double over, surprised at how strong your sister has gotten.

“Unnecessary.”

“Yeah, man, it’s good to see you,” you hear an unfamiliar voice say in the hallway, making you force yourself to stand up straight, shooting your sister a glare.

“This my friend, Josh.”

In and out, remember?

Don’t get caught.

A gas station seems a good enough place to kill someone. You wouldn’t know, you’ve never killed someone in a gas station.

The tv is running in the background, a bit too loud for your liking. You hear it running through commercials and you suddenly feel the need to take your gun out and shoot it from the painful irony of the words it’s spitting at you.

Are you ready for a change?

You keep your hands at your sides as you make your way through the short isles of chips and candy, back towards the bathrooms.

The newspaper stand is set up in a rather convenient spot, just out of sight of the cashier and the limited number of customers.

You pull your matchbox from your pocket and light one, looking over your shoulder before letting the match light the small pile of newspapers.

“Fire!” you scream, rushing out from the back, waving your arms frantically to get everyone’s attention. “There’s a fire, everyone get out!”

Screams erupt from the few customers as they run from the shop, the cashier getting out as well. You go to the men and women’s bathrooms and bang on the door to both, shouting the same thing.

“There’s a fire, get out!”

People rush from the bathrooms and you wait by the doors, taking the arm of a familiar man when he rushes out of the men’s bathroom, stopping him by the flaming newspapers.

“What the hell? Let go of me, you crazy bitch.”

You scowl at him and wait for the few men in the bathroom to run out, their actions frantic and fast, so fast that they don’t notice you holding the man back against the wall.

“Who the hell do you think you are? We have to get out, can’t you see the-”

“Shut up,” you growl, pushing him back into the men’s bathroom with your arm across his chest.

“Don’t make any noise and this will go a lot easier for both of us.”

You pull your gun out and hold it against his stomach, making him freeze. He looks down at you with wide eyes, but keeps his mouth shut.

“Do you know this man?” you ask, pulling out a picture of your boss from your pocket.

Your boss is known by a very limited number of people, and he happens to know of a certain journalist who is starting to gather information on him to write an article.

This journalist is currently shaking in your grip, trying to convince you to spare his life.

He takes one look at the picture in your hand and his eyes widen.

“That’s a yes, then.”

One twitch of the finger. One little tick that has the power to end someone’s life.

You remember his face. Of course you remember it. You remember his face, his name, the reason, the location. You remember everything, just like all the others.

There wasn’t much you needed to do to dispose of the body, that would be taken care of for you.

There are perks to lighting a fire at a gas station.

You remember those dreadful words, the ones you had been hoping she would never say to you.

“You guys would be perfect together.”

No we wouldn’t you want to scream we wouldn't because I’m an assassin but, hey, thanks for the effort.

Y/S/N has been trying to set you up with someone for as long as you can remember, claiming that you need to get out there and have fun and do dumb single stuff with her (not anymore, apparently), and you’ve turned every offer down.

There’s not much harm in spending time with your sister in her home, where nothing can happen and you could protect her if something did. Outside of that, it’s too open and there are too many people and not all of them could be who they say they are. You figure you’re better safe than sorry.

It’s the same with getting attached to anyone else, which is why you would much rather stay out of the dating pool.

“And I knew you were going to say no, so I already set it up. You’re meeting him at that coffee shop you always go to at six.”

“Wait- you what?”

“Please don’t be mad, I just feel like you need someone there to, you know… support you.”

She’s looking at you with sympathy in her eyes and you want to scream at her.

No, I’m not struggling with anxiety that’s not what this is.

“Look,” you say, pinching the bridge of your nose, “it would be a lot better for me to just stay single, okay? I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself, despite what you think.”

You know she doesn’t believe you, she’s told you before that she doesn’t think she can trust your judgement because of the anxiety that you apparently have.

I see your hands shaking, Y/N. I know about the nightmares and I know that you cry yourself to sleep sometimes. You need help.

“Please, just…just go on this one. This is it, if it doesn’t go well, then you don’t have to go on anymore. Please, for me.”

You think it over; pros and cons.

Pro: You would make your sister happy, which, at this point, is the only thing you’d willingly do without feeling immense guilt afterwords.

Con: You would put this person in danger.

Pro: Your sister wants you to.

Con: Just more blood on your hands.

Pro: Your sister wants you to.

“One date,” you say with a defeated sigh. “One.”

“Of course.”

You should have expected it. You walked into the coffee shop and wanted to laugh out loud when you saw a familiar puff of yellow hair on a head that was turned away from you.

“Josh?”

He turns around, his smile falling when he sees you.

Glad I can get those real reactions from men.

“Y/N?”

You chuckle as you sit across from him, wrapping your hands around the coffee you had ordered when you first arrived at the shop.

“Don’t look too disappointed,” you say with a forced smile pointed towards your coffee. You may have been very against going on this date, but you still have feelings and Josh looked pretty disappointed when he saw you.

“No! No, God no, that’s not…I just didn’t…I didn’t think this would be with someone I knew.”

“Did Y/S/N force you into this?”

Josh chuckles, holding his own coffee, one size larger than your own.

“Yeah, kinda…” he says sheepishly. “She told me it was a perfect mach.”

“Yeah, well, she says a lot of things.

You both laugh, but yours immediately stops when something on the tv screen in the corner catches your attention.

Yesterday at 5:00pm there was an explosion at a gas station in Columbus, Ohio. Investigators say the explosion started inside the store and a body was found in the bathroom. The body cannot be identified, police are still investigating the scene.

“Are you alright?”

You turn your attention back to Josh, meeting his concerned gaze, watching him glance at the tv screen behind him.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. It’s just, um…it’s sad, you know? That man that died at the gas station.”

“Yeah, it is.”

The rest of the night is spent talking about things that you haven’t talked about with anyone for a long time and you don’t want to admit it, but it’s so refreshing to talk about this with someone and you don’t realize how late you’ve stayed talking to Josh until the barista tells you they’re closing.

“Hey, um…do you want to come back to my place? I’ve had a great time and I’d love to talk some more.”

You shouldn’t. You can’t. But it sounds so inviting and you haven’t talked to someone like this in so long and at this point you figure might as well, we’ve talked for this long. What’s the harm?

What’s the harm?

You know from a lot of experience that those words are very dangerous.

“No way,” Josh laughs, throwing his head back.

“Yeah, I swear it happened. Y/S/N shoved me into him and he spilled his coffee all over me, then said he ‘didn’t think it would work out’ and left.”

Josh bursts into laughter, doubling over on the couch. You giggle along with him, waiting for him to stop laughing.

“Okay, your turn.”

“Alright, um…” he pauses, trying to think of another breakup story he has, “Tyler and I went out one night and he introduced me to this girl and apparently I looked like this guy that had cheated on her and she was pretty drunk, so she gave me a mean right hook, then poured the remnants of her drink on me.”

You burst out laughing, almost in the same position Josh was from your story.

“Are you serious?”

“Dead,” Josh laughs. “To this day, Tyler still brings it up around all of our friends. ‘Hey guys, remember that time Josh was almost knocked out by a drunk chick?’ ‘Do you guys remember when Josh was mistaken for a cheater?’ It sucks sometimes.”

“I bet it does.”

You and Josh laugh until your stomachs hurt and you hate that you’re having such a good time.

“Well, I should get going,” you say after about an hour of telling the best stories you can come up with. “I…had a really good time.”

You feel like a lovestruck teenager and you hate it.

“I did too,” Josh smiles. “We…um…do you want to do it again?”

No, I don’t. I really, really don’t. Don’t you dare say yes, I swear to God if you say yes-

“I’d love too.”

Dammit.

Josh smiles and leans forward, pressing a kiss to your cheek.

“See you soon.”

“You were out for hours,” Y/S/N squeals when you walk through the door, jumping up from the couch that she was obviously waiting for you on. “I was beginning to think you weren’t going to come back until tomorrow morning.”

You smack her arm and take your coat off, trying to fight the smile off your face.

“I except him to kiss me before anything like that happens.”

“Wait,” Y/S/N freezes, “He didn’t kiss you? That pussy.”

“He kissed my cheek, but we both know that doesn’t count.”

She laughs and you smile at her, but it falls when your phone begins to ring.

“I should take this…”

You sister gives you a concerned look, but nods, stepping out of your way so you can answer the call in the makeshift office she has set up, closing the door behind you.

“Hello?”

Was it you?

You close your eyes when you hear the familiar rasp of your boss’s voice, anger evident in his tone.

“What are you talking about?”

You know what. You were the one who caused the explosion at the gas station, that’s how you decided to carry out your most recent job.

“What’s wrong with it? You gave me a job and I did it.”

Don’t be a smart ass, Y/L/N. You were careless. Stupid. Don’t slip up like this again or I swear-

“I know,” you say, peeking out to make sure your sister isn’t listening, “I know, you don’t have to remind me.”

Don’t screw up like this again. I’m not going to be the one busting you out when you get your ass thrown in prison.

The line cuts off and you sigh, pulling the phone away from your ear, feeling it tremble in your hand.

“No, stop, stop, stop,” you whisper, trying to steady the shaking. You can’t help it. You’re terrified.

“Y/N?”

You wipe your eyes and walk out of the office, smiling at your sister.

“Is everything okay?”

You nod, but your sister immediately looks down at your hands.

“You’re shaking, Y/N, you’re obviously not okay.”

You shake you head and ball your hands into fists so she can’t see them begin to shake harder.

“I’m just going to go, okay?”

“Who was that on the phone?”

You shake your head again and push past her, ignoring her shouts for you to tell her the truth.

“Who was on the damn phone, Y/N?”

“It was my boss, now let it go!”

“Who the hell is your boss? Why do you let him scare you like this?”

I love you, and if I tell you now I’ll be betraying you.

“I’m leaving,” you mumble, despite your sister’s protests. “I’ll see you later.”

He kissed you. He leaned forward and kissed you and god, he’s such an idiot but he wants to kiss you again and again until all you know how to do is attach your lips to his.

“How could you let this happen?” he can hear Tyler ask him as he moves his lips against yours, his arms wrapping around your waist. “This wasn’t the plan.”

Screw the plan.

Screw this and screw that and screw him and just screw it.

Tyler doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

He kissed you and kissed you and kissed you and he should regret it but he doesn’t because, God, it felt good.

You kissed him back and he wrapped his arms around you tightly, hoping you wouldn’t slip away from him.

“I have to go,” you told him after, leaving him with wet lips and a heavy heart because he wishes it wasn’t you. This would be so much easier if it wasn’t you.

You left and he knew he couldn’t let it go any farther. He needed to end things and finish what he started.

“You let this happen,” Tyler said, rightfully so. “You did this to yourself.”

Months go by. Months before Josh knows that things have gone on for too long. He’s in too deep and, yes, you’re everything he’s ever imagined, but he’s afraid Tyler might do the job for him if he doesn’t do it soon.

“You’re such an idiot,” Tyler kept telling him. “How could do this?” He doesn’t know.

His relationship with Y/S/N might have been for show, but yours never was. It was the one thing that he could hold onto when he had nothing left. That was his reason. You kept him fighting. You gave him hope that one day he could be happy and he didn’t want to let that go.

“You have to break things off with Y/S/N,” he told Tyler.

“I already did. I hope that encourages you to move a bit faster.”

Don’t you get it? he wants to scream, I can’t.

He’s falling. He’s falling hard and by the time he hits the ground he doesn’t think he’ll be able to get back up.

Better to end things before the ground gets too close.

You get a text from a mysterious number telling you to meet them at their address, per usual. Nothing out of the ordinary.

You stuff your gun in its holster, ready to get this meeting over with so you can see Y/S/N. She’s been extremely upset these past few days.

You show up at the address the text from your next client told you to meet at with your gun in your bag- just in case- and walk in quickly, trying not to draw too much attention from outsiders.

“Hello?”

The house is silent and it makes you feel uneasy, but you continue walking, going through a hallway that leads you to a kitchen.

You close your eyes, letting out a sigh when you feel a gun pressed against your back. An all too familiar feeling.

You reach towards your holster slowly and whip around, pointing your gun at whoever is behind you.

“Josh?”

You stare at him, the man you had considered giving your heart to, standing here, ready to put a bullet through it.

He doesn’t say anything.

Better not to say anything then let words get in the way.

“What is this?”

You should’ve known. You should’ve known that your happiness could never have been real.

It was nice to pretend.

“This is the job. You should understand,” he says, “you know where both of our priorities lie.”

You know exactly what he’s talking about. His weakness, like yours, is another person. Another human being who’s being held hostage by another sick, sick monster.

“Who is it?”

He chuckles, humorless and full of remorse and regret and so much guilt.

“My sister. Just like you.”

You shift, switching the gun from your left hand to your right, keeping it pointed at his chest.

“I’ll explain it to you,” he says, his words soft and calm, as if he isn’t holding you at gun point. As if he isn’t being held at gun point. “My boss is one of your boss’s biggest enemies. What better way is there to beat him then to kill the person who does all the dirty work?”

“You make it sound so simple.”

You almost see a smile, a slight twitch of his lips, but its gone before you can confirm it was ever there.

“I don’t have a choice.”

You don’t think you’ve ever felt so angry at anyone in your entire life.

“You’re sick,” you spit at him. “You let me fall for you…why? So you could rub it in my face?”

What makes you think I didn’t want you as bad as you wanted me.

“That’s not what happened.”

You shake your head at him, not believing that this is real.

“And Y/S/N? Was it ever real with her and Tyler? It was all just part of the plan, right?”

“We had to, you have to understand-”

“She texted me a couple days ago. Said he broke things off, didn’t even give her a reason. Just up and left. They were together, what, five months? And we were together for four, right?”

“You know as well as I do that you would’ve done the same thing.”

“I wouldn’t have fallen for the person I was supposed to kill! That’s cruel! T-to both of us. Even after everything, I still have some decency, and I’ve done some pretty messed up things, you have no idea.”

Josh nods, and you assume he knows what you’ve done.

“You should’ve made it quick. Just put me out of my misery the minute you got me alone.”

“That’s what you would’ve wanted?”

“Over this? Yeah, I think so.”

He nods, his gun still pointed at your chest, in the same spot yours is pointed at his.

“Then I’m sorry.”

You scoff and shake your head.

“You shouldn’t have dragged Y/S/N into this.”

“Maybe not,” Josh says, keeping his eyes locked with yours. “It was Tyler’s idea.”

“She thought he was the one, you know. She told me,” you inform him. “Does he feel guilty at all?”

No answer.

You stare at him, watching him walk closer to you. You tense and thrust your gun towards him, making him stop.

“I swear, if you take another step I’ll blow your brains out.”

“I guess I’ll stay here, then.”

You consider asking him if he’ll let you call your sister, just to tell her you love her. You might not walk out of the house, and if Josh is going to be the one to kill you, maybe he’ll be sympathetic enough to let you talk to her one last time.

But you wait, keeping as still as you can as you try not to tremble.

“Was it real?”

It’s a fair question. All of those nights spent talking and kissing and telling each other that everything’s going to be okay, even though neither of you knew what “it” was. All of the unspoken words and claims of affection that may or may not have been true.

“It wasn’t supposed to be.”

You scoff and shake your head again, watching his rigid demeanor start to crack, his regret showing through.

“What do you mean ‘it wasn’t supposed to be?’ how is that supposed to justify-”

“I made a mistake,” he snaps, silencing you. “A huge, idiotic mistake, because I wanted to believe that I had a chance at feeling what I felt with you. Happiness. Something I haven’t felt in a long time.

“And, believe me, I tried to stop myself from falling for you, but you were everything and I couldn’t help myself.”

You stare at him, wanting to tell him that it was the exact same thing for you, but not wanting to give him the satisfaction of a heartfelt response.

“Are you going to shoot me?”

“That depends,” he pauses, taking one risky step closer to you. “Are you going to be the first to pull the trigger?”

Tick tock tick tock, times running out. Better be the first, better be the one to walk out.

“Does it scare you?” he asks suddenly.

“What?”

“Holding someone’s life in your hands and deciding to pull the trigger.”

It terrifies you.

“You know I would be lying if I said no.”

There’s a silence, a long, painful silence that makes everything good and pure about Josh and your time with him rush back in that moment.

“Should I say something to you?” you ask eventually. “If one of us is going to die, what are we going to say to the other? Those ‘last words’ that everyone makes such a big deal about.”

He thinks for a moment and you’re terrified that his choice of last words might be something that will make you drop the gun and tell him to put you out of your misery.

“I-”

“I swear to god, Joshua. Don’t you dare.”

He smiles, a small tug at the corner of his mouth.

“How about…I’m sorry.”

Good enough. Better than the alternative.

“That works.”

He nods, content with his words.

“Your turn.”

“I’m sorry too.”

You pull the trigger a second too soon because he had a look on his face that told you he wanted to say something else.

The bullet leaves your gun and it’s too late to do anything about it now. It hits him with an all too familiar bang that’s gotten louder every time you’ve pulled the trigger and the ringing in your ears is so loud that you can barely hear anything else. It’s all just background noise.

But you hear Josh gasp for breath. You hear him say your name. You don’t hear anything after that, falling into something that could be classified as shock.

You’ve never had to kill someone this close before.

But, in the end, it had to be done. You know that. She would’ve died if you hadn’t because your boss would know you let yourself die at the hands of an enemy. He would’ve given you what he believed you deserved.

“J-Josh…”

Maybe you shouldn’t have done it. But you shouldn’t have done a lot of things that day. You shouldn’t have thought so selfishly when you pulled the trigger, your thoughts of your sister as you did so. You shouldn’t have called an ambulance on a dying man to make yourself feel better about shooting him.

You shouldn’t have fallen in love.

But Josh was just so perfect and he was there all the time, when you had your night terrors and when your “anxiety” acted up. And you were there for him in the exact same situations.

You should have given him better words to die with.

You shouldn’t have gone to see your sister in tears barely an hour after it happened, making her think your anxiety was at its worst. You suppose it was, in a way.

And, months later, you shouldn’t have been doing the exact some thing you were doing before, but that was where you were and there wasn’t much you could do to change that.

And who knows? Maybe you shouldn’t have opened the mysterious blue letter addressed to you with a stamp that looked suspicious enough. The single slip of paper with a few simple words that you shouldn’t have read.

But, God, are you glad you did.

I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough. -J

(x)

#josh dun #josh dun imagines #josh dun imagine #josh dun x reader #twenty one pilots #twenty one pilots imagines #twenty one pilots imagine #twenty one pilots x reader #top #top imagine #top imagines #top x reader #bands #band #band imagine #band imagines #bands x reader

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adambstingus · 5 years

Text

‘Columbine destroyed my entire career’: Marilyn Manson on the perils of being the lord of darkness

He has been called an emissary of Satan and falsely blamed for one of the most notorious shootings in US history. But the singer has never been afraid of outrage. Is that really an excuse, though, to flick our interviewers testicles?

It is while discussing the difference between his stage persona and his day-to-day life that Marilyn Manson leans over and flicks me in the testicles. This comes as quite a surprise: I have encountered a lot of unusual things as a journalist, but have thus far managed to get by without an interviewee touching my genitals. More surprising still is that leaning over and flicking my testicles appears to form part of his answer to a question about whether he has ever felt consumed by the character he created a quarter of a century ago, in the same way that Bowie struggled to separate himself from Ziggy Stardust or the Thin White Duke. Certainly, the way he says: “That’s the difference!” immediately afterwards suggests it is, but I’m not sure.

For one thing, I am distracted by my sore testicles, and, for another, I wasn’t really following his line of argument at the time. First, he took my notepad, wrote “person” on it and added an “a” at the end. “I’m this and I’m this,” he said. “A person and a persona. But I can’t really divide the two. There’s a difference on the stage; people I don’t know I just seduce, in a lot of ways. You go offstage and people … even me and you now, talking …”

His voice trailed off and, while I was trying to work out whether he had just said that he did inhabit a different persona on stage he flicked me in the testicles.

It’s all a bit peculiar, but then the interview has been peculiar from the minute I stepped into the Berlin hotel suite where Manson is receiving the press. He is midway through a European festival tour and promoting his forthcoming eighth album, Heaven Upside Down, a work he describes as “hard, punk rock, Killing Joke, Joy Division, Bauhaus, Scary Monsters”, and which reunites him with Tyler Bates, a guitarist, producer and soundtrack composer best known for his work on Guardians of the Galaxy. Manson seems surprised that Bates agreed to work with him again after 2015’s The Pale Emperor, or rather its ensuing tour, during which relations between the two deteriorated to such an extent that Manson pulled a box-cutter knife on Bates.

Heaven Upside Down was announced the day before the US presidential election, in typically understated Marilyn Manson style, with a short video that was widely reported as showing the singer decapitating Donald Trump. “Well, there was no actual decapitation shown,” he demurs. “It was implied. And no Trump. There was just a guy in a red tie. Could have been a preacher. It’s funny that people see what they want to see.”

Marilyn Manson on stage in 1997. Photograph: Rob Bartholomew/Associated Press

I have been warned that, as per Manson’s usual requirements for meeting journalists, the room will be both dark and cold, which it certainly is: air conditioning up full, curtains drawn against the afternoon sun, the only light coming from a television tuned to one of those ambient channels that broadcasts endless footage of landscapes and animals. But I have not been warned that Manson will be hiding behind his hotel room door, from where he will jump out – black-clad, in full slap – pointing a gun at the back of my neck. Not, it transpires, a real gun, but a realistic enough replica for me to greet him with a startled bark of, “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” rather than the more traditional “hello”. Manson laughs, shakes my hand and asks if I’d like a beer.

Thus begins an extremely diverting hour during which Manson will offer to wrestle me to demonstrate his physical and mental wellbeing; inquire, in the middle of discussing the difficulty of meeting your childhood idols and, apropos of nothing as far as I can gather, whether I am “a poop man, a scat guy”; suggest his partner, photographer and model Lindsay Usich – who wanders into the room in search of a drink – expose herself to me on the grounds that “the Guardian is an important periodical”; and flick me in the testicles.

It is difficult to work out whether all of this is done in a kind of spirit of collaboration – perhaps he is keen to ensure a journalist goes home with an incident-packed story, the better to promote the new album – or simply because Manson has, entirely understandably, chosen to enliven a long day of interviews with the European media by having a few drinks along the way. Certainly, something about his speech and gait strongly suggests the tumbler of neat vodka in his hand may not be his first of the day.

If it’s the former, then he really needn’t have bothered. Manson is a fascinating man even without the accompanying theatrics. Over the course of my time with him, he is variously funny, insightful, frank and preposterously self-mythologising: “I wake up in the morning and I just realise that I am chaos. That’s my job – I am a goddamn tornado,” he announces at one juncture. “You look at it, behold it, you get caught up in it, it tears off your roof – and I’m from Ohio, so I know about tornadoes”.

He is also, on occasion, wildly contradictory and incomprehensible, his answers veering so wildly off-road that I have no idea what he is talking about. Indeed, after one particularly unfathomable response, I find myself asking him if he’s OK. “I don’t know – check my pulse,” he laughs, but it’s a genuine query. His father, a Vietnam veteran, died days before this tour began. They were close – his dad would come on tour with him and the pair posed together for an amazing Paper magazine shoot, both in full Marilyn Manson drag. No one would have blamed him for cancelling his shows and promotional schedule to grieve. He looks aghast at the idea. “My dad would have hated me for that. He’d have kicked me in the dick. He would want me to be the best I could be right now. That’s what he raised me to be. Dad was a fucking fighter, a killer in Vietnam, but he was not a quitter; he just didn’t want to be here any more. He didn’t give up, he just wanted to be with my mom, and I respected him for that. So I wouldn’t miss a gig. It was not easy – I had to go see him a week before we went on tour. It was tough, but it made me stronger.”

Besides, he is bullishly proud of his new album, which he says “is about confidence, of fucking believing in yourself more than ever, which is something I may have lost along the road”. He is also theatrically furious at his record label for suggesting he put out a censored version for sale in the US’s Walmart stores. “It denies the legitimacy of it. If your parents give you money to buy a clean version of my record at Walmart, you might as well go there, buy a gun instead, take it into your own hands, do whatever you want.”

Listening to him talk, it’s tempting to wonder if he hankers after the era when he was American rock’s public enemy No 1, the primary source of outrage for conservative watchdog organisations. It’s easy to forget how much controversy Manson managed to cause in the late 90s, when his name was linked to the 1999 massacre at Columbine high school in Colorado, whose perpetrators were alleged – erroneously as it turned out – to have been fans.

He warms to his previous point. “Give them the money and let them make their own choice: guns or records. If [the Columbine killers] had just bought my records, they would be better off. Certain people blame me for the shootings at schools – I think my numbers are low, and hopefully they go up on this record.” It’s unclear whether he means numbers of shootings or people blaming him, but it’s provocation either way. “That’s going to be a great pull-quote for you. But, honestly, the Columbine era destroyed my entire career at the time.”

He was raising hackles long before Columbine, though. In Britain, his 1996 breakthrough album Antichrist Superstar was largely viewed as hugely entertaining glam metal in the grand gothic tradition of Alice Cooper. In the US, however, religious conservatives seemed to think he really was some kind of emissary of Satan. A succession of demented sworn testimonies on the American Family Association’s website claimed his concerts involved bestiality, satanic altars, ritual rapes and the distribution of free drugs. Some towns threatened to pass legislation banning him from performing on state property; schools in Florida threatened to expel students who attended his shows; the state of South Carolina ended up giving him money – $40,000 – not to play there.

“Well, I asked for it,” he nods. “You don’t make a record called Antichrist Superstar and not expect people to hate you. But I wanted to do something that made a difference. I wanted to put a fucking dent in the world, like my heroes: [Salvador] Dalí, Jim Morrison. I knew that there were people who would take it at face value, and that there were people who would see into it more deeply, and it would be that dichotomy that would cause chaos.”

After Columbine, the chaos ratcheted up even more. His concerts weren’t just being protested or picketed: during the 2001 Ozzfest tour, he says, he received daily death threats; “hundreds” when he played in Colorado. “I would just get on stage and smash beer bottles and cut myself and go, ‘Fuck you, bring it,’ – I’ve got scars all over my chest – I can show you. I would jump into the crowd and punch people. It wasn’t even those people who were at fault. But my dad gave me the best advice: ‘If people are going to kill you, son, they wouldn’t tell you in advance.’ No, I don’t miss that at all. It made everyone around me upset. And I discovered that police bomb dogs are also drug dogs. So when there were bomb threats, I had a very difficult time hiding my narcotics.”

It didn’t destroy his career as he claims – he still fills arenas around the world and has parlayed his notoriety into an acting career in the US TV series Salem and Sons of Anarchy, playing “a murdering barber and a paedophile white supremacist. Typecast.”

Performing in Argentina last year. Photograph: Santiago Bluguermann/CON/LatinContent/Getty Images

He has also found his fanbase extending into some unlikely places, not least the world of hip-hop. Gucci Mane and Rick Ross are fans; Lil Uzi Vert wears a diamond-encrusted pendant of Manson’s face. “I don’t know why rappers like me, other than what Gucci Mane told me,” he says. “He said I was ‘the only shit that’s real in rock’n’roll’. Rappers are hardcore and they’re real; rock’n’roll is so pussy and so lame. But I’m not saying I’m the realest thing in the world.” He sighs. “People say: ‘You’re the last rock star.’ Don’t say that to me – shut the fuck up, man! I don’t need that shit on my shoulders. But I’ll take it. I’ll own it.”

Perhaps they mean you’re the last rock star who could create the kind of controversy you created in the 90s? It’s hard to imagine anyone being shocked by a rock band now, in a world when you can see anything, no matter how gruesome or offensive, with a click of a mouse.

He nods. “I know. Fair enough. You just have to say what you’re saying with certainty, and look good when you’re saying it – that’s how you do your job.”

But if times have changed, he says he has changed, too. He used to be “angry, confused and upset”, he says. “Now, I think I feel more happy. Not like, Shiny Happy People. I think I’m just happy being myself. I think now, I’m much more charming and likable. I notice you’re enjoying yourself.”

Well, I am. He’s hugely entertaining company.

“And I’m sure in a moment you’ll take your pants off and I’ll smash you in the nuts with a beer bottle.”

No, I say, you’re OK. So instead, Manson opts for taking a selfie of us, showing me his ringtone (it’s Hot Love by T Rex), shaking my hand and asking me to write nice things about him. Of course, I say. “Good,” he smiles, ushering me out into the corridor. “Or I’ll find out where you fucking live.”

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/columbine-destroyed-my-entire-career-marilyn-manson-on-the-perils-of-being-the-lord-of-darkness/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/182571050402

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surveys-at-your-service · 7 years

Text

Survey #101

“be the wildest of the pack, screaming amen and attack“

you run into the ex that hurt you the worst; what do you say to them? i wouldn't say anything. i'd at least hope i wouldn't, but i have a pretty big feeling i'd smile and do a really bitchy wave at him. but i'd hope i'd just smile and pass by him. do you think everything happens for a reason? i guess. do you watch stand-up comedy? i don't actively seek it out usually, but yeah. do you attend church regularly? no. personally believe you can be a perfectly good christian without going to church. what is your preferred video game console (if any)? playstation 2 had the best games. if you got a call from a friend in jail, would you bail them out? nope. one, i don't have that kind of money, and two, if you're rightfully in jail, i'm not helping your ass. do you need things thoroughly explained to you for you to understand them? yes, particularly academic stuff. have you ever felt pressured to do something you weren’t ready for? yeah have you ever worn jeans that were red, purple, blue or pink? i used to have maroon skinny jeans. loved those things. do you have a criminal record? no. have you ever been asked out by someone you didn’t want to be with? yes. have you ever had to spend the night at a hospital? too many nights. have you ever dated someone with longer hair than yours? no. have you ever worn flip flops in the snow? dude, it doesn't matter what the weather is, i always wear flip flops if i have to have something on my feet lol have you ever broken a heart? i don't know, but i doubt it. ever been though a really tough breakup? it was more than "tough" have you ever struggled with substance abuse? no. how about self-harm? yeah. how long have you been listening to your favorite genre of music? since the 6th grade. what is a common misconception that people have about the country you live in? everyone knows america's stereotypes, so i'mma talk about nc. more than anything, everyone's a redneck, according to the rest of the country. that and we're all conservative as actual fuck. do you always shut your computer down when you’re finished with it? no. do you dread filling out the about you box on most websites? no. starting it can be kinda hard tho. did you ever have those glow in the dark stars on your ceiling? i think so... would you ever get a matching tattoo with a s/o? i actually plan on doing so once/if i get married. i want to get a simple, kinda crooked heart with the words "you're awful; i love you" written inside of it in a childish font. it's a reference to the song "love me dead" by ludo. do you have a lock number or pattern for your phone? no. just don't feel that i need to. just another thing i have to remember. what was the hardest language you’ve ever tried to learn? latin. fuck that shit. do you have any food intolerances or allergies? bananas give me heartburn that makes me want to actually die. do you have any pets? how long have you had them? teddy, 9-10 years, cali, four years, bentley, year-ish, venus, not even a month. do you prefer female or male vocalists? don't care, but i know i listen to more males. were you ever into that gel bracelet craze? no. what do you do when you have ‘me time’? watch mark or more rarely listen to music, rp have you ever met someone online that you wanted to meet in real life? just to name a few: sara, connie, mini, megan (at least, once i did), emma, shaylee... give me an example of a sick death metal band. cradle of filth, brother. have you ever worn your boyfriend's clothes? ex's, yes. has the school ever taken away your cell phone? no. i didn't use my phone in class. is there a name that you hear and cringe? rachel. do you and your dad get along? yeah. amazingly. he had no reason to forgive me for that letter i wrote him. have you ever made your own layout for myspace? lol myspace. but no. i don't know how to do 99% of css stuff. would you rather be called cute or hot? cute. i don't like being called hot. do you use youtube more for music videos or for funny videos? funny videos. what’s your favorite thing about summer? literally the one and only thing i like about summer is swimming. would you rather own a pet polar bear or pet penguin? if it was entirely docile and you put aside the fact that they need to live in the cold, a polar bear. but considering i don't live in a cold habitat and they're not docile, realistically, a penguin. do you prefer ice cream on a cone, in a bowl, or in a cup? cone, although it's difficult for me because of my lip ring. it gets in the way lol. are you someone’s best friend? i think i'm colleen's, if you're not including her husband. do you have a secret life? kinda. would you live with someone without marrying them? yeah. do you prefer bar or liquid soap? liquid. is your favorite animal endangered? no. how many schools have you been to in your lifetime? five do you carry pain relievers with you at all times? no, but maybe i should. i get headaches a lot. have you ever done something outrageously dumb? more than once. last person who gave you a ‘good morning’ text? no clue. maybe tyler, but i'm not sure. what is the weirdest or cutest aesthetic you enjoy? weirdest, gore. cutest, pastel goth. strawberry shortcake or strawberry cheesecake? neither. did you ever own anything from lisa frank as a kid? SO MUCH SHIT what are your most used emoticons? c:, ;v;, ;-;, etc. have you ever used a bath bomb? no. who is your favorite water pokemon? vaporeon which fictional character can you not stand? hmmm. oh my god, maybe ashley from re4. she's fucking annoying. what common advice do you think never works? for those depressed: "just do this and that, it makes you happier!" people don't fucking realize how hard it is to do simple things, and usually doing them only stresses the individual out. what seems obvious to you that doesn't seem to be for other people? in most cases, spelling. what's a joke that you like? i actually don't like things that are general, accepted jokes. they're almost always cheesy. i like more witty things that aren't intended, if that makes sense? what single thing makes someone instantly undateable to you? does drugs. how short is too short for shorts/skirts? if your ass is showing do your parents trust you? should they trust you? yes to both. what’s your favorite led zeppelin song? "kashmir." dat beat tho. if you knew you couldn’t get caught, would you rob a bank? no way. wouldn't be able to live with myself. have you ever dated someone in the military? no. i personally wouldn't be able to. like can you say stress. ever been prescribed narcotics? yes, xanax. maybe another or so. what is an irrational fear that you have? whale sharks. there's no possible way for them to swallow a person due to their esophagi being so small, but my mind doesn't care lol best part about winter: snow<3 did you attend your high school prom? i went when i was a sophomore because my boyfriend of the time was a senior, then i went for my senior year. would you give your bf/gf a second chance if they cheated? absolutely not. what foreign language do you wish you spoke? german. would you rather get money or presents for your birthday? money. buy my own shit. do you have any exes you can’t stand anymore? i'll talk about each one that's ever had the title "boyfriend." aaron and i are fine; it was a total puppy love deal so we never had a real relationship. he was cool, but we don't really talk anymore. we're facebook friends, though. juan, yes, i can't fucking stand him because he's a goddamn pig that keeps getting into trouble. jason, i wouldn't say i can't stand him. i loved him once and will always have residual feelings for him. tyler, i wouldn't say i hate him, but i definitely want nothing to do with him. how old do you think you’ll be when you move out on your own? that's a question i don't like to think about much. i firmly believe i'd never properly survive on my own. so probably not until i move in with a significant other or i mature a lot more to where i can handle myself living alone. what’s something people always assume about you that isn’t true? that i'm a cold person because i don't say much. people tend to think i hate humanity in general and want nothing to do with anyone. on a scale of 1-10, how much do elevators scare you? a seven, maybe. i'm really scared of them getting stuck. do you like slim jims? they are my true loves have you ever received a hickey from the last person you kissed? that is a fucking disgusting thought that literally makes me cringe. no. do you still talk to the person you had your first kiss with? no. if you had to live off one type of fruit, which would you pick? strawberries. kiwi is a close second. how often do you drink monster? never. tastes like poison. when is the last time you did something illegal? a few days ago when i downloaded some songs. do you give a good back massage? well considering giving jason one always ended up becoming more than a massage... what has been the scariest experience you’ve been through? overdosing on otc things and just waiting to see how badly it would fuck me up. thankfully, it literally did nothing other than almost make me puke briefly. you can bet your ass my sinuses were clear as fuck tho lmao what’s your greatest insecurity? weight would you strongly prefer to go out with someone of your own skin color/racial background? nope. i don't care. say you’ve started seeing someone you really like. as far as you’re concerned, how long will it take before you have sex? there's a lot of variables here. one, i think i'm going to continue being abstinent, but i'm not entirely sure anymore. two, it depends on the person. exactly how rapidly are we becoming close to the other? is jealousy healthy in a relationship? i think it is at a very mild degree. being a bit "territorial" with your partner is a good sign, to me. it's defending someone you love and showing you don't appreciate someone else showing them romantic affection, even if you trust your partner. should evolution and creationism be taught side-by-side in school? i personally believe both of those branches should be electives. neither should be in the mandated curriculum. have you ever cosplayed? no, but honestly, i'd love to. is it wrong to sleep in a bed/cuddle with a friend (of the sex you’re attracted to) when you’re in an exclusive relationship with someone else? cuddling, yes, but sleeping together with a person not of your preferred gender doesn't seem wrong to me. how do you feel about government-subsidized food programs (free lunch, food stamps, etc.)? they're beneficial for people who need it. do you believe that heterosexual pornography is degrading to women? why just women and heterosexual? pornography is degrading to everyone involved. do you support the exploration of outer space? if yes, would you consider taking a trip into space, or even to another planet? i think it is important, but we shouldn't spend as much money as we do on it; we need to be more concerned about the planet we live on. and i personally wouldn't. is it okay for men to wear makeup? what’s your opinion of male crossdressers? sure. wear whatcha want. would you let your children under 13 watch movies with full nudity? HELL NO will you teach your children to believe in santa? i don't want kids, but hypothetically, i would. i really don't like the idea of lying, but i absolutely adore my memories of my own raising believing in santa. christmas was so magical. what is your opinion concerning strip clubs? honestly? cesspits. is there any aspect of your sexuality that you would be too embarrassed to ever share with a match? i wouldn't say "embarrassed," but i know i wouldn't like to share the fact i find penises remarkably hideous. i find both genitalia to be extremely unattractive. what’s your passion? meerkats, youtubers, silent hill, world of warcraft bc fuckin' nerd, heavy metal music have you ever been harassed and/or bullied? no, thank christ. pick one: crash bandicoot or spyro? SPYRO! i like crash too, though. do your parents drink? dad doesn't anymore, mom almost never does. could you forgive a boyfriend or friend who physically hurt you? fuuuuck to the no son are you a funny person? lol no how do you feel about bob marley? his voice is fucking awful when you were younger did you have a neopets account? i sure did. do you have any gay family members? yes, an uncle. do you look intimidating? besides having a serious resting bitch face, i don't know. your last ex calls wanting to hangout, what do you say? nah son. could you go the rest of your life without drinking alcohol? yeah. what’s one fruit you love in drinks? strawberries have you ever tried wine? no, don't particularly want to. i know it's really bitter. have you ever just laid outside and looked at the stars? i used to do that while catfishing with dad. it was on a cement decline for boats to get into the water, and it was pretty comfortable to just lay on your back and look up at the stars while waiting. some of my favorite memories. could you date someone shorter than you? yes?? why would height have anything to do with it?? have a crazy side? not really, no. ever been kissed by a legal adult when you were a minor (or vise-versa)? yes. i like to forget it ever happened. ever been kissed by someone you didn’t want to kiss? see above. ever been walked in on while you were making out with someone? lol almost. thank god for fast reflexes. ever stopped kissing someone because they had bad breath? ha ha yep. i don't do morning breath. ever thought of someone else while you were kissing someone? no. did the one person who hurt you the most in your life apologize? yes, but i sincerely believe he didn't mean it. what's the last thing you and your ex talked about? jason, a lot. i was trying to gain closure, and i think i did. pretty sure the last thing he really said was stop saying "i'll try" and start saying "i will" or something like that. tyler, essentially to stop fucking texting me. have you ever thought about getting your lip pierced? it's been pierced before and it is again now. are you on medication for anything? bipolarity, anxiety if i need it, birth control, and an allergy med. what was the worst mistake of your life? letting jason become the entire universe to me. could you ever be friends with somebody who was homophobic? i am friends with a homophobe. i don't necessarily "respect" her opinion, but i tolerate it. i firmly believe everyone has the right to their own. does virginity matter to you? i personally believe you should save it for someone you really, sincerely, absolutely love and plan to stay with, but i don't demean people who don't wait. regardless though, i firmly believe that you should at least feel that you love the person. how would you describe your sense of humor? extremely dry. ever written fanfiction for anything? believe it or not, no. i don't even read it. would you rather get a tattoo or piercing? a tat do you listen to a band a lot of people don’t seem to know about? ugh, otep is agonizingly underrated. how do you feel about children swearing? i'm against it. i believe a certain level of maturity is required to really know when it's appropriate to swear or not. what's a unique thing about your fashion sense? probably the fact i can look like a geek one second then a goth the next lol how do you feel about your weight? i loathe it, but i feel better about it ever since finding out my weight gain wasn't my fault; it was a mood stabilizer i was on for a year or more called abilify. it's unbelievable how much that shit fucked me over, and it did absolutely nothing in terms of my mental health. my current psychiatrist pointed out how it absolutely destroys your metabolism, and he was honestly stunned when i told him no one else that i'd been seeing pointed that shit out, especially my primary doctor, who had some training in psychiatric meds; and the disgusting thing is, she occasionally acted angry towards me about it and really did make it seem like i didn't care about my health and wasn't trying. ugh. i am still remarkably bitter that i'd been put on a medicine that has a side effect of weight gain anyway considering i've explicitly told every psychiatrist i've ever seen DO FUCKING NOT put me on something that causes weight gain, because i've been through it before and worked my ass off to lose all the weight i'd gained from paxil years before. but thankfully, since being taken off abilify and loads other medications, i've been losing weight rapidly since my body can no longer sustain what i'd gained. it helps that my appetite has returned to normal; well, maybe even less than normal, but i'm not complaining. like it's brazenly obvious it was medication considering it's not like i started exercising or something, and i haven't gone on some diet. i legitimately pray that i can return to what i used to weigh. do you like to comment on other people's surveys? only on close friend's. do you have any racist friends? yes, and it's the same story with the homophobe: i don't like your opinion, but i'm not going to generalize you as a whole terrible person just because of one belief. i'll never agree with you, but still. do you wear glasses? what style do you like better? yeah. mine are kinda like big, geeky ones. do you prefer lemons or limes? lemons. would you consider your voice high, low, or in the middle? definitely low for a woman. any songs that make you laugh out loud when you hear them? "i just had sex" by the lonely island ft. akon will, at the bare minimum, always make me smile. it's so silly. was your first kiss perfect? i wouldn't have had it any other way. how do you handle breakups? welp. if jason's and mine was any indication, i sob for over a year straight, get PTSD from it, want to die daily, and y'know, shit like that. i couldn't be more thankful that i'm over that shit. if you had to get a tattoo, where would you get it? there's a few that i'm debating on being my next. there's a big, very detailed one i want on my right, upper arm, but i'm sure it won't be my next because it's going to be fucking expensive. one that has a good chance of being my next is a cool design i found that is geometric and has a badass-looking ram in the center, then in an arch over it, i want the lyrics "maybe i'm a misfit, maybe i'm different; it will never be an average existence" from "rise, rebel, resist" by otep. i think it looks really cool with the design because the graphic kinda radiates a sort of dominant, resilient aura. i'm not sure where i'd get it, though. another that has a good possibility being next is a design that has a few tiny koi fish going around the wrist in a slight angle. it's really cute; i'd get it on the top of my left wrist. i also like this triangular design that has a watercolor, fire-like texture sprayed over it; in a pretty chiseled font, I want "Gefährlich ist wer Schmerzen kennt" ("whoever knows pain is dangerous") written over it, from "feuer frei" by rammstein. i'd get it on top of my right hand. this one has a high chance of being my next one considering the budget will probably be kinda small. lastly, another with a good shot is getting the anxiety ribbon with the lyrics "you can't kill what you did not create" (from "just when you thought we couldn't get any more emo, we go and pull a stunt like this" by motionless in white; yes, seriously) beside it. i'm thinking of getting it on my right forearm, on the side. WOW that was long pardon me and my tattoo ideas. do you wear your seat belt in the car? always. what's your biggest turn off? if you believe illnesses are only real if they're physical, i will immediately fucking hate you. like i know i say a lot i respect other's opinions, but that is one i will never, ever, tolerate. have you ever set a marshmallow on fire? yes. i'm awful at roasting marshmallows. thinking back to your relationships, who ended it? counting everyone who's had the "boyfriend" title, plus a "friend" who i briefly acted like more with: me, me, me, him, me. do you know anyone who's been arrested? i think i don't... have you ever tried to reconnect with someone from your past, but were unable to find them/get in touch with them? multiple online friends. do you believe that the more that you give, the more you will get? in general, but not always. what is something you've recently discovered that you're absolutely in love with? how did you come across it? this is by no means recent, but the last thing i discovered that i fell in love with was rhett and link, whom i started to watch daily over a year ago. i was first exposed to them by my ex, but back then, i never watched them with him. big mistake lol. i actually don't recall how i re-discovered them... what was the first social network website you joined? myspace. what is the worst natural disaster you've experienced firsthand? hurricane floyd. do you like to receive feedback on things you've made or done? i mean, sure. it's nice to see what others think. do you own any webkinz? ... i have ~40 in a bag in our attic. do you swoon over british accents? O BOI do you prefer wolves or foxes? foxes. do you prefer opossums or raccoons? opossums are cuter. did you ever have tea parties when you were little? only if nicole wanted to. she had this disney princess tea set that she loved to play with. choose one character: pooh, tigger, piglet, eeyore? eeyore was adorable. tigger's cool too, tho. choose one character: mickey, minnie, donald, daisy, goofy, pluto? goofy do you listen to kpop, jpop, or cpop? no. have an acquaintance who's obsessed, though. which baby animal is your favorite? meerkats. like, have you seen pups?? chocolate or strawberry milk? strawberry milk is fucking repulsive, so chocolate. does your job allow piercings or tattoos? currently unemployed, but i wouldn't work anywhere that didn't allow either. do you like rollercoasters? never been on one, probably never will. i'm too scared of throwing up. how old is your oldest and youngest friend? oldest, 30 or 31. youngest, 17. did you tease freshmen in high school? no, why would i?? i was one at some point. what is your favorite... bird? mammal? reptile? fish? barn owl; meerkat; cobra; koi, maybe. what's your favorite bubblegum flavor? i really like that watermelon one from i think hubba bubba? tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it? i got a moose from the huge cabela's hunting store in ohio when i was young, and i named it brownie. i have him still sitting on my dresser<3 what are your favorite memes of the year so far? this is such a millennial question lol. are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub? hateclub. idk, i just find them remarkably annoying. have you ever been a featured member on any website? yes. a sh fan site. do you prefer hot chocolate with or without marshmallows? without, but i can do both. who’s the last person you had a sleepover with? chelsea. who do you talk to about personal problems? sara, more than anyone <3 what would you do if you got pregnant? be fucking terrified, angry, but keep the baby, but give it up for adoption. when was your first kiss? 2012 ideal weather conditions? like 55 degrees, cloudy. the most embarrassing thing you’ve ever done? if it's the *most* embarrassing thing i've ever done, why would i want to talk about it? can you name 5 people that you used to be close to, but aren’t anymore? explain why. 1.) megan - she lied to me about essentially everything. 2.) mini - she just... stopped talking to me and now only does on her time. 3.) jason - he just about ruined my entire life so i no longer want any association with him. 4.) brianna - she found a new group of friends in middle school. 5.) jenna - we also just kinda stopped talking. it was hard to keep up considering we never went to the same school. she did call me the last time i was in the hospital though, which i thought was incredibly sweet. have you ever been told that you were good in bed? not explicitly, but i think the actions spoke for themselves. do you think you would make a good mother? no. i don't like being around others a lot and also don't fancy being responsible for another person. then there's the fact that there's a chance that after investing all that time into someone, (s)he could just grow up hating me. do you hate slang words like ‘tits’ and ‘shag’? depends on the word. do you ever watch wildlife shows? they're my favorite shows. would you pose naked in front of a million people for a million? no, actually. i am way too self-conscious and the embarrassment wouldn't be worth it. do you download music illegally? yes. been a habit i've had too long to break. favorite snapchat filter? i don't use snapchat, but of those that i know, i like the flower crown one. ... or is that instagram? idk. what's the worst thing you have ever done? acting in a way i shouldn't have with "just a friend." how many times have you been to the hospital? too many times. i don't know anymore. maybe six. top 10 favorite songs? in no order, here are some that i really enjoy atm: 1.) "false flags" by massive attack; 2.) "do i wanna know?" by arctic monkeys; 3.) "third day of a seven day binge" by marilyn manson; 4.) "pumped up kicks" by foster the people; 5.) "trap door" by ozzy osbourne; 6.) "face down" by red jumpsuit apparatus; 7.) "milk and cookies" by melanie martinez; 8.) "deep six" by marilyn manson; 9.) "daddy issues" by the neighbourhood; 10.) "why'd you only call me when you're high?" by arctic monkeys. i'm sure they're more that i like more than some, but i can't think of all right now. what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc) dry in most places, oily on my face. what is your crush’s first and last initial? DM are you going to change your last name when you get married? yes. what is your favorite condiment to go with french fries? ketchup do you like to eat stir fry? ew. what color is your mp3 player? my ipod's hot pink. have you ever laid in a hammock? yeah. we used to have one. have you ever lost a pet in a tragic way? how did you cope? our goldendoodle got spleen cancer and declined in health in literally like a week. he had to be put down, and i was there for it. it was hard to get over. what can’t you go a day without doing? eat, drink, use the bathroom, watch mark & do other shit online, watch gmm if it's a weekday. have you ever led someone on? why did you do so? don’t you think that it’s mean to do that? rather just not talk about it. i was a stupid kid. do you like gore? ... it's my aesthetic lol. but i have my limits about it. do you own any choker/collar necklaces? i have multiple. my favorite doesn't fit anymore and the other probably doesn't either. did you have a “scene” phase? no, i had an emo phase lol do you find it easy to trust others? nope if your s/o smoked pot/did drugs would you care? i wouldn't date him if so. do you like hickeys? i don't not like them if they're private. what time do you go to bed? any time from like 10:30 to 3:00 or so. do you hate the person you fell hardest for? no, but i don't like him. do you curse around your parents? totally open with dad, usually don't say "fuck" around mom. are you monogamous or do you prefer open-ended relationships? monogamous ever made out with a friend? no. how would you rate your sex drive? normal, i'd say. if you had to have a color for a name, what color would it be? uhhh. of those off the top of my head, maybe blue. if you had kids, would you worry about what they did online? of course i would. the internet has some things kids should never see. i doubt i'd go through their history though, if i'm being honest. i'd hold issue with that if my mom did it, so i'm sure my own kids would. have you gone mental? oh you have no idea. would you take your kids to visit a black santa clause? why or why not? yes?? what the fuck is this question?? do you remember the first conversation you had with the person you have feelings for? i don't remember, i just know he first called me "lip ring girl" because he didn't know my name lol do you know your best friend’s middle name? colleen, and i think sara's is jane, but i'm actually not sure if that's just part of her first name. have you had sex with a black person? no, but i'm not opposed to it. have you ever had a serious conversation with your dad? yes. he took me out to lunch one day and we talked about my recovering from jason. do gay, lesbians, bisexuals or transgender people bother you? nope. can you tolerate children for a long period of time? NO. just another reason i shouldn't be a mom. have you ever became attracted to someone you weren’t at first because their personality made you find them physically attractive? yeah, jason. were you more fond of swings, monkey bars, or seesaws as a child? boi i charged for the swings every time. what is the worst way to break up with someone? through text/any kind of messenger, omg. what must you have in order to sleep well at night? a fan on. what will you name your future son or daughter? i don't want kids, but if i did, the girl would 100% be alessandra and the boy would probably be luther. have you ever thrown a party for a pet? no, but i always give teddy a peanut butter sandwich "cake" for his birthday. what do you consider the greatest threat to mankind? greed. what is your favorite thing to do with your girls? just chill. if your one true love hit you would you still love him? fuck that shit. would you want to meet the man of your dreams if he dies in a year? no. like can you say traumatic. how did you meet your best friend(s)? colleen, girl scouts. sara, youtube. who introduced you to the band you love? all others besides ozzy, metallica, and korn, myself. what song reminds you of your first love? "easy to love you" by theory of a deadman. i couldn't listen to it after the breakup until very recently. what do you think of teenagers getting married? probably a bad choice. it works sometimes, sure, but you still have a lot of growing up to do. what movie that johnny depp plays in do you really like? "alice in wonderland" can you introduce yourself to a new person easily? NOOOOOO which disney princess had to go through the most pain? good question! maybe rapunzel? like can you imagine being locked in a tower for that long?? do you believe you can only be in love once? absolutely not. do you believe in premarital sex? i have mixed feelings. i'm more accepting of it than i used to be, tho. “once a cheater always a cheater.” true or false? no. just because you cheated once doesn't doom you to cheat again. do you believe its possible to fall out of love? yes, i lived through that experience. do you know your blood type? yes, a- are you catholic? i was raised roman catholic, but i'm not anymore. what kind of job did your mom have when you were growing up? she was an assistant teacher for the special needs kids. have you ever stayed up all night on the phone? this one time with jason. do you think that fishing and hunting are wrong and why or why not? hunting is wrong if you don't eat the meat, imo. i have no problems with fishing because it doesn't kill the animal. what do you put on your french fries? ketchup, sometimes. do you like mustard? yup. what’s the funniest nickname you have? i don't really have a funny nickname. would you ever keep your favorite animal as a pet? no. meerkats are very destructive pets. it's not legal in the u.s., anyway. what is something you eat but everybody else thinks it’s gross? i've heard a lot of people don't like peanut butter. which celebrities would you have a threesome with? i wouldn't have a threesome with anybody. i don't support them. favorite character from "finding nemo"? it's always been dory. through time, i've also developed a respect for gill. do you change your type of music regularly? my music "type" hasn't changed since i was in the 6th grade. ever met somebody who seem like they hated life? i know a lot of people like that. do you look forward to the spring? absolutely not. welcome to the life of one allergic to pollen. which area of the sciences do you enjoy the most? genetics do you care about your weight? of course i do, everyone should. if you could spend the day doing absolutely anything with anyone anywhere, what would it be like? go to the zoo with my mom. is there anyone who lives in the same house as you that you can’t stand? nicole's dog. i tolerate him, but i do not like him. are all of your friends virgins? to ask an adult if all their friends are virgins, realistically, has an obvious answer. not saying all adults aren't virgins, but you get me. it's more rare. but who are virgins and who isn't is none of my business. who's the last person who gave you a "good morning" text? girt messaged me good morning via facebook, if that counts? i don't text a lot of people, so no one really tells me good morning. do you have something you’re supposed to tell someone, but you haven’t yet? no. do you like going to museums? yeah! what is a cliche thing that happens a lot in anime? the most unique-looking character is always the protagonist. if you believe in a god or higher being, do you think that they are vengeful and will punish you for your wrongdoings? vengeful, no. will one be punished, probably. what is your favorite scene from your favorite film? it's super cool when alice fights the jabberwocky. do you have a hard time being around people whose opinions on alcohol and drugs differ from yours? nope. so long you don't do drugs or drink excessively around me, i don't care. what is something you thought could/would never happen to you that has happened to you? i attempted suicide. how often do you get on facebook? sometimes multiple times a day, sometimes none at all. do you think girls deserve more respect just cause they are girls? no, that's ridiculous. is there anything specifically that you’ve been worrying about a lot recently? job stuff. where do you spend a majority of your time when you’re at home? i am literally always in my room. which deadly sin are you most guilty of? sloth. who makes you feel the most unappreciated? my grandmother. if heaven and hell are real, which one are you going to? i ask myself that. there are a number of things in the old testament that i 110% disagree with, but then there's the fact that according to the bible, jesus' resurrection is kinda what nullified the "old" sins. hence why, for example, christians can eat pork or whatever. the old and new testaments are what separate christians from jews. but i'm quite sure the more "common sense" sins weren't suddenly made fine, but hell, how do we really know what's a "common sense" sin to a god and which ones aren't? idk. have you ever seen your dad cry? i've seen him tear up only once in my life. have you ever had a pet rat? tezzeret, rhoka, rhett, link. i want another pair. could you go a year without sex? i've gone 21 years without it, so. do you like pudding? chocolate pudding, yes. what’s your favorite kind of doughnut? i like original cake, glazed, and chocolate frosted. do you ever trip over your pets? occasionally, teddy especially. teddy always lies on the side of my bed when i'm there, and he will not move when i get up for something until he's sure i'm not coming back to the room, so i have to step over him. do you think polygamy is wrong or acceptable? i don't support it. what is one natural disaster you are afraid of? TORNADOES do your wrists ever hurt from typing too much? that's some amateur shit, brother. haven't had that issue for years. is there any song that makes you think of your dad? "sweet child o' mine" by guns n' roses. if i ever get married, i really want that to be the father/daughter dance, although i don't see how to really dance to it... have you ever taken a picture of you kissing someone? once. what is the last thing you did on powerpoint? a final project for my art class my senior year. if you were upset, who’s the first girl you would go to? sara, most likely. are you afraid of falling in love? yes, because i'm afraid of being hurt. could you forgive your best friend for sleeping with your bf/gf? definitely not. if you’ve ever had and quit a job, did you actually call in and quit or put in your two weeks notice or did you just stop showing up? my first boss and i talked in the back room and he was so understandable. he was super chill and a great guy. second job, i texted my boss. do you tend to baby or take care of the people you date, or do you tend to date alpha types that take care of you? both. depends on situations in regards to how i act. how would you feel if the person you were interested in refused to perform oral sex on you? fuck, i'd be happy. i don't like oral. honestly, does it bother you when your friends make questionable choices? or are you usually unaffected by how others live their lives? of course i care, because i care for them. i don't want them to make mistakes that they'll regret. have your parents ever expressed interest in you taking up a certain profession or hobby? they don’t have to have had pressured you into it, but maybe just as a suggestion? yes, my mom reminds me i should be a vet a lot. hypothetically speaking, if you ever give birth to a son, would you have him circumcised? yes, for health purposes. do you ever get frustrated because you have great ideas for a talent you don’t have? for example, you have a good idea for a song but you don’t play an instrument so you can’t share it, or you have a great idea for a video but don’t know how to use video software, etc. yep, with drawing. i can picture things so vividly, but when it comes to drawing them... nnnope. who was the last person you talked to on skype/video chat? we've never actually video chatted, but sam and i used to use skype for voice chat every day when we played wow together. does your significant other/crush know about your tumblr? does he/she look at it? no, but i wouldn't be embarrassed if he did. but he'd probably judge me for it being a fandom trashcan lmao have you ever had shower sex? no, and i never want to. sounds uncomfortable and dangerous as fuck. did you masturbate today? i don't masturbate. do you believe in karma as in “what goes around comes around?” no. not everyone who has done wrong ever gets what should be coming to them. how many brothers does your father have? none. does your best friend have any tattoos? sara, no, colleen, yes. are you a skittles person, or an m&m person? skittles have you ever had a seizure? no what was your gpa in high school? over a 4.0 are you better at telling stories or writing them? writing them. name a band that you can’t decide whether you like them or not. i pretty much know whether i like a band or not. nothing's coming to mind. what’s one word that annoys you when people use it out of context? "retarded." don't fucking abuse it around me. what fast food restaurant(s) can you absolutely not stand? arby's. ew. does it annoy you when people say “omg” or “idk” in a normal conversation? it's a weird pet peeve i have, yes. do you have any best friends that you only know online? most of the best friends i've ever had are online. are you afraid of needles? no. like don't get me wrong, the needles used for shots make me uneasy because they're so long, but i think that's kinda natural. do you have any plans set out for your future? if so, what are they? obtain a steady job, hopefully as a photographer, probably get married before moving to the mountains of nc because fuck the coastal plain. have you ever had a concussion? if so, what from? yes. i passed out and landed on my chin. do gay people make you uncomfortable? no, unless i'm being flirted with. have you ever heard of the cranberries? i've heard of their song "zombie," which i enjoy. who has the ability to hurt you the most emotionally? my mom. do you have the same political views as your parents? we're all mostly conservative, but we have some varying views. be honest, do you miss your ex? not anymore, no. if he couldn't handle me at my worst, then i don't need him. if you have siblings, who do you think will be married first, you or them? i'll go through them. ashley is married, misty's in a serious relationship so maybe she will be next, i don't think bobby or katie are dating anyone, nicole's got a boyfriend but so do i, so between us two, idk. do you like pastel colored hair? omf aesthetic are there any cracks or scuffs on your phone? no. how old were you when you got your first car? i haven't had my own car. do you feed your leftovers to your dogs? teddy will get something occasionally because he doesn't fucking beg like cali and bentley. what tricks does your pet do? teddy can sit, say hello (shake), lie down, and say please (beg). cali can sit. bentley can't do jack shit. who is your favorite character on your favorite television show? fma: edward elrich; that '70s show: probably hyde. who is your pet most attached to in your family? teddy, me. cali, mom. bentley, also mom because nicole gives him zero fucking attention. i'm the only one who gives venus attention because yeah, snake. out of all the colors of the rainbow, which one is your favorite? assuming shades and tints are not included, purple or red. would you ever be interested in going on a proper african safari? OMG YAAAAAAAAS if you had to be a teacher, what subject would you be able to teach best? english have your parents met the person you’re currently interested in? mom knows him well, dad's seen him a good number of times before the divorce. are your eyes the same color as your siblings’ eyes? only bobby and i have blue eyes. do you prefer glazed or powdered donuts? glazed. when you first meet somebody, do you stick out your hand for them to shake? i usually don't initiate it, no. do you know someone who has asthma? yes, my mother and grandmother what is the most controversial thing you've done? uhhh... download music, maybe?? how many people have you kissed in your life? three, but i like to pretend one never happened. what’s your favorite restaurant? olive garden. do you act on impulse or do you think things through? it varies depending on the situation. do you think the usa bullies other countries? sometimes, honestly, yes. have you ever taken a shower with someone else? with my little sister as a kid. can you taste the difference between pepsi and coke? immediately. what was your first pet? do you still have this pet? a beautiful collie named trigger; she was my dad's dog. but no, she died when i was very little, so i barely remember her. don't remember how she died. i was told she swallowed her tongue, but i know you can't technically do that, so. what is your favorite thing to learn about? meerkats. who’s one person who changed how you viewed something? a number of people. what annoys you most in a person? um. maybe closed-mindedness? intolerance? whose bed did you sleep in last that wasn’t yours? colleen's. in a relationship, do you think about the future, or now? both. you need to consider both if you want a healthy relationship. are you a patient person? NO. i am the most impatient fucking person. are you pale or tan or kind of an in-betweener? the irish is strong in this one. is life pointless? i fail to believe we'd be here if it was. would you ever spy on a boyfriend/girlfriend if you were suspicious? no, what the fuck. be an adult and be upfront about it. when was the last time you were bitten by an animal? what kind of animal was it? some weeks ago by our dog bentley, but it was just a playful nip. he needs to learn to stop doing it, though. what was the last band or artist you discovered? boyfriend's kinda got me into powerwolf. heard of them a looong time ago, but never actually listened to them. do you have a favorite song by the cure? "she sells sanctuary" are there things you’ve never told for fear that others would judge you? yes. can sex ever be casual? i do believe it's possible to have it casually, but i don't support it. what celebrity are you dreading the future death of? there are many. there are some who i think when they die, i will probably die with them. do you neglect your friends when you have a significant other? no. do you own a gun? no. i know i by law can't because of my suicidal and depressed history, but i'm unsure if those i live with can for the same reason. if you had to delete one year of your life, which year would it be? 20fucking16 what is your favorite christmas song? if you wanna count "the nightmare before christmas" songs bc who the fuck knows if that movie's more about halloween or christmas, i love fall out boy's cover of "what's this?" if i can't include the movie's soundtrack, i like "the most wonderful time of the year." what is something that has really impacted your life? more than anything, my breakup. what did you and your ex fight about most? me and jason, uhhh... i don't really know? we argued sometimes, yes, but i can't really think of a main topic... as for tyler and me, we only fought once and that was the end of it. do you have a foot phobia? it's not a phobia, but omg i still hate feet are you embarrassed by any of the songs in your itunes? lol yes. my collection of melanie martinez songs is so random. do you like raisins? omg no have you ever gone on vacation with your boyfriend/girlfriend? not with my current one, nor with any exes. have you met the last person you kissed's parents? no. known each other seven years and i have literally never seen his parents lmao have you ever been to a sports game? yeah. dad and i have been to like three hockey games. do people ever misspell your name? yes. people want to spell it as "brittney" all the time. have you ever had roommates? yes. when jason and i lived together, our friends, who were also a couple, lived with us. have you ever made a sex tape? no, and i never would. do/did you skip class? never one class exclusively. i would fake sick to stay home occasionally lol have you ever felt yourself fainting? twice. one occasion where i did, and another not that long after where i know without a doubt i would've if i hadn't gotten down on my knees. have you ever been friends with someone with bipolar disorder? yes. who’s the last boy to make you cry? jason last girl? my mom has anyone ever threatened you? yes. would you ever own a rat? i've had four and would like two more, but this time from a breeder. i just don't like getting pets from pet stores... they honestly give no shits about them. has your mouth ever been washed out with soap? no, but i'd be threatened with it as a kid. would you genuinely be okay with having a woman as president? yes?? what the fuck is this question?? what’s the worst feeling in the world? heartbreak, in various forms. what’s something you wish you could take back? things i don't want to talk about. what happens to you when you get nervous? i sweat, my heartrate goes up, i fidget a lot, i knead my hands, and i stutter badly. have you ever snuck out? how many times? no. who’s the first person you kissed, and would you like a do-over? jason, and no. who scares you? jason, because i know what he was capable of. what’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do in your life? learn to let jason go. do you prefer cupcakes or muffins? muffins do you and your dad get along? yes. i wrote him a letter after the divorce though that he never should've forgiven me for, but he did. he is a wonderful person that i am so so thankful for. <3 who was your high school crush? first was kyle, then girt, then jason. do your nails grow out round or square? round have you ever been on crutches? no. did your mom sing to you when you were young? i don't think so. does your boyfriend have a job? way to assume everyone has a boyfriend. but whatever. yes. do your siblings dye their hair? no. did you have a role model growing up? yes, steve irwin. what's the greatest lost you've endured? jason. is there a situation or person you haven't been able to get over, forgive or what-have-you? i'm over him, but i haven't exactly "forgiven" jason. did you give anyone their first kiss? no. what animal did you last pet or hold? pet, dog, hold, snake. were you born perfectly healthy or with some (or a lot) of health issues? i was perfectly healthy. did you ever catch any bugs or insects with your friends as a kid? me and my neighbor hunter would catch SO MANY bugs. have you ever been disrespectful to one or both of your parents? yes to both. do you believe in sex before marriage? is it against your religion? eh, mixed feelings. i think abstinence is for me tho. as for if it's against my religion, i actually don't know if it's mentioned in the new testament, so idk. when you sign your name do you use your middle name? no. do you have a shower curtain or door? curtain has anyone ever mistaken you for being gay/lesbian/bi? i've been mistaken as gay before. does the thought of being pregnant gross you out? let's be real here, pregnancy is disgusting. did you ever have to share a room with one of your siblings? my younger sister and i did when we were little. do you remember those "the land before time" movies and if so, who was your favorite character? i loved those movies. pretty sure my favorite was littlefoot. what band, musical artist or song do you feel you’ll never get sick of? more than anyone, ozzy and metallica. my first metal loves. do you think you’ll be a good mother/father? no, and thus i don't want kids. is it hard leaving people behind? if you actually gave a shit about the person, it always is. do you watch "the walking dead"? no, i don't watch tv. have you ever had to get a tooth pulled? if so, what for? no, but i may have to get this wisdom tooth on my bottom left jaw out. it causes me to bite my cheek a lot. if you’ve ever babysat, do you like it? i did once and i never will again. have either of your parents gone to jail? no. do you know a hoarder? i know two. what’s a reasonable amount of time before two people get engaged? i mean... it depends. people get close at different rates. but i'd probably be doubtful if it was any less than like two years. what’s something you’ve done that not many people can say they have? uhhhh... hm. i don't really know. i mean not many people can say they've been to a mental hospital at least five fucking times, but that's nothing to be proud of. what tv shows did you grow up watching? just to name a few: "pokemon," "bear in the big blue house," "rugrats," "spongebob squarepants," "the amanda show," "rolie polie olie," "the crocodile hunter," etc... lots of stuff on nick, disney, and animal planet. what were your favorite toys to play with as a child? these plastic dinosaurs that i had. do you enjoy the arctic monkeys? they have three songs i really love, one being one of my all-time faves. i've heard a few others that are all right. what type of criminal would you be? i wouldn't be a criminal to begin with. but if you're asking like, what am i most likely to do to make me one? idk. do you get attached easily? once you start showing me i can trust you, yes. but i don't mean this in a romantic sense; i learned my damn lesson. i'm doubtful and very cautious when getting attached romantically, but as far as friendships go, once i think you're all right? yeah, i get attached. what were you like when you were a kid? i was hyper, weird, and really talkative. only thing i've maintained is the weirdness lol would you go against your moral code for money? no. i have a really devout moral compass. what is your happiest childhood memory? really, i have a lot. the memory of me waking up early to play any of the original "spyro" games is strong with me. i also used to love swimming on the first day of spring with nicole; we'd always pester dad to put the pool up as soon as spring was here. we wouldn't even wait for the water to warm up lol. then i have a distinct memory of dad teaching me to ride a bike, and i loved that. playing baseball with dad was fun, too. all things considered, i had a good childhood. have you ever had an imaginary friend? no. if you could change one thing about the world, what would it be? that's a hard question, but i'd probably take away greed. it is the fuel behind a LOT of things. is there someone you don’t ever want to be out of your life? many people, but more than anyone, my mom. i have no fucking clue where i'd be without her. do you think you can love someone without trusting them? not sincerely, no. what is a career you dream of pursuing but realistically you shouldn’t? meerkat biologist. i wouldn't survive in the heat. do you like 80s music? quite a bit, mostly '80s metal. what kind of food is your favorite? (Ex. mexican, chinese, thai, etc.) american how would you feel if you were drafted for the military? NNNNNNOPE who is your favorite harry potter character? i don't know much about hp. what is your favorite queen song? "bohemian rhapsody" is the only correct answer what topics are you really shy about and don’t like discussing? i don't talk about my hobbies period. who did you last pinky promise with? probably colleen. do you drink bottled water? if i absolutely have to drink water, i'll get it from a bottle or preferably a water filter that's been in the fridge. i can't drink tap water. do you donate blood? i did once in high school, but i don't think i will again. it was a very stressful experience for me because i was afraid of fainting. have you ever swam in a river? yeah. welcome to the south. in what month do you start christmas shopping? i don't have my own money, so i can't christmas shop to begin with. have you ever posted a question on yahoo questions? no. do you still have clothes from your high school dances? i have both my prom dresses have you ever felt manipulated? yes. what is your stance on getting revenge? childish. do you have a ceiling fan located in your bedroom? no, but mom wants to install one. my room is extremely hot, and the one desk fan i have in here is far from enough. disney’s "frozen": yay or nay? nay. so disappointing. the pacing was awful and the story was so predictable. what does your best friend think of the person you love/like? sara doesn't know him, colleen loves him. ever thought you knew someone, but it was all a big lie? meet my former best friend. any music videos make you cry? "hurt" by johnny cash really gets me, as well as "one" by metallica, but i wouldn't say i cry. do you delete people from facebook if their views are vastly different than yours? no. however, if they start pushing their views on me or straight-up bash mine, then yes. do you like to climb trees? i wouldn't know, as i've never climbed one. like 99% of trees here in nc are pine trees, so no branches are low enough to climb. have you ever played the "tomb raider" games? omg so we had two. i remember buying the first one, but my brother had the second one, i'm pretty sure. might have been the first. i got too frustrated with the first one, which i played as a teenager, but when i was very young, my sister and i loved the second one. only our brother was good at it, but ashley and i would love to play and always lure the old butler into the freezer lmao. beatles or rolling stones? i legitimately only like one song by the beatles. i enjoy the rolling stones. what is your favorite accent? british or scottish what was your first favorite band? green day do you feel uncomfortable sharing drinks with other people? yes. do you call any of your friends by their last name? i call my boyfriend by a portion of his last name have you ever cried in school? yes, but only in the bathroom comes to the top of my head. do you remember the first computer game you ever played? not the absolute first, but i remember "putt-putt," "freddie the fish," "oregon trail," then there was this one i LOVED where i think some friends were preparing for a friend's birthday? i think it was a lion? i have very strong memories of a game that it think is called "amazon trail 3;" i played that game obsessively. were you baptized? yes.

#survey #quiz #questions #asks #answered

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theworstbob · 7 years

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scattered thoughts on anw9 stage one part one

because the best time to post about american ninja warrior is six days after the episode airs right (all stats from my index, which is a combination of sasukepedia and my own notes)

~So after a year in which a lot of talented dudes got dunked on by the Giant Log Grip, the producers... Removed the Giant Log Grip? I mean, I get it -- the general vibe of ANW courses is something like “bars ‘n tramps,” so the Double Dipper and the Domino Pipes are a better fit for that theme than everything that came before. (Plus, given how Ultimate Beastmaster themed its course, I wouldn’t be surprised if ANW is trying to make its courses fit into a theme; I could see them trying to turn the courses into construction sites, simply because construction workers fit into some vaguely American ideal of hard work.) This is one of the more enjoyable iterations of the First Stage in a while. (Might this be a death knell for the Rolling Log in city courses? Because real talk, the American Rolling Log is garbage. Too much rolling, not enough log. I don’t like seeing an extra 30 seconds being tacked onto runs because competitors have to recover from goddamned dizziness.)

~I do wish they’d make it shorter, though! 2:35 is a long time to be on a course, and in this episode, we saw a lot of montaged runs and a lot of segments where we only watched one person take to the course between commercial breaks. We miss a lot of the First Stage, and we even see a few clears not mentioned at all until the end of the broadcast, and interesting clears at that! Andrew Lowes, a highly notable veteran, clears the First Stage for the first time since ANW6! Cass Clawson, three years after missing Stage Two by a fraction of a second, finally gets his revenge! Michael Silenzi makes his Stage Two debut after four years away from Vegas! It’s completely understandable why they chose to show who they did, those are all Big Names with Good Stories, but man, they couldn’t even find montage space for Andrew Lowes. They gotta consider paring down this course.

~Because while this is one of the more fun iterations of the First Stage, it’s also very much an iteration of the First Stage. The new obstacles are merely variations on old themes; hold onto something and fly, run on an angled platform, and balance bridge. I don’t think anyone would complain if the First Stage were to be overhauled. People come to this show to see people fulfill their potential, and you can only do that so much jumping into the same spider every year, and it’s starting to look like people are solving this course. 36 of the Vegas entrants from last season are making a return trip, the highest number in the show’s history, and of the 20 First Stage clears on Wednesday, 14 made it to Vegas last season, and only one is in their (legit stoked to be using the gender-neutral pronoun here) Vegas debut. Obviously, experience isn’t everything (poor Karsten Williams), but it’s proving more helpful than not, and with more competitors becoming more seasoned (54/100 competitors with prior Vegas experience), it might be fun to see these cats try to solve a new course. One understands why NBC is reticent to change the First Stage, it’s obviously something that works and more clears is probably better for NBC because it gives them more footage to work with, but it’d be nice to see an actual new challenge, not just modified obstacles.

~Did they abandon the conceit where qualifiers from each region had to wear a certain color to denote the region from which they qualified? That’s lame if they did. I always liked seeing how the competitors with brands worked the color into their get-up -- I will never forget Anthony Scott’s giant red watch -- and I feel the show loses a little visual flair without forcing yellow and purple onto the dudes.

~I feel like I’m burying the lede here a little bit: ALLYSSA BEIRD! You could have given me ten guesses for “second woman to clear the First Stage on ANW” and Beird might’ve been seventh. There’s still some measure of unpredictability with the women’s runs on ANW; because each woman gets hella Hero Edit, it’s almost impossible to say which one’s going to clear any given course, so I’m still surprised when Barclay Stockett makes it all the way to the last obstacle, or when Jesse LeBreck (my pick to be the second FWIW) gets hung up on Parkour Road and barely misses. But the show’s editing also spoiled Beird’s clear; we know that ANW hates ending with failure, what with the way they opted to make Jake Murray’s corn dog the final image from ANW8 First Stage and not Geoff Britten taking the plunge on Snake Run. So when you see Barclay Stockett make it so close, then Jesse LeBreck getting closer still, and then you see Allyssa Beird (arguably a less notable competitor than LeBreck, too) on the platform, you sense that there’s a reason ANW is ordering the runs in this order. And when you can predict the outcome, it makes the moment that much less cool. Still a cool moment, I feel like I’m burying the lede a little by complaining about the way the show is edited instead of typing ALLYSSA BEIRD! a hundred times, but I wish ANW could embrace failure a little tighter.

~Like, every time Joe Moravsky runs without an extended pre-run interview package, I get a little nervous, and that makes watching him do his usual Joe Moravsky thing on the First Stage that much more fun, y’know? I get why the show is the way it is, it’s trying to be aspirational reality programming before it’s trying to embrace the randomness and chaos of Sport and I respect that, I just so wish it could change something up.

~Nick Kostreski was entirely cut from this broadcast, and understandably so; while he made it to Vegas last year and was one of the eight qualifying clears in Denver, but those are his only two accomplishments of note; if they couldn’t make room for Andrew Lowes, it would’ve been kinda shitty to cut him for Nick Kostreski. BUT. He is now notable for being the first person to clear from p15 in their city. He was the last man to qualify for Vegas in Denver, then (assuming ANW still runs Vegas in order from ‘worst city Finals result’ to ‘best’) the first to qualify for Stage Two. (I’m assuming nothing good happens for Jody Avila or whoever replaced Charlie Andrews, we saw nothing good happen for Michael Johnson and Jesse LeBreck, and Donovan Metoyer would’ve been the first man up.)

~This is ANW editing done right: I believe they showed Travis Rosen failing Snake Run before they showed Brian Wilczewski this year, just to establish that the first obstacle is dangerous, which shadows how the show used Lucas Gomes’ fall on the same obstacle to set up Rosen’s. So you kind of knew someone serious would go out on Snake Run again this season. And when they showed Brian Wilczewski failing the first obstacle in ANW5, I got absolutely giddy, because he was so going in the drink, AND THEN! And then. ANW doesn’t usually revel in failure like that, because it sort of goes against their ethos, but even if they didn’t show Rosen before B-Wil like I remember, they still set up that fall very well. “This man’s family still makes fun of the dumb this guy did four years ago. Bear witness to the nothing this man has learned.” Like, Brian. Brian. You’re now the dude who’s failed the first obstacle twice. Why would you ever want to be that guy. (Also: nice to see Chris Wilczewski on the sidelines, even if ANW didn’t explain why he wasn’t there.)

~JJ Woods has done two of the ten or so most impressive things I’ve ever seen on this course, now. I still remember this dude beasting through the last three obstacles of the First Stage in thirty seconds back in ANW6, and now here he is, skipping a step on Parkour Run. Like, of course the parkour guy’s gonna do some parkour shit on Parkour Run. (#1 for me is still honestly Jessell Boseman’s one-legged Jumping Spider. I still don’t get how he did it. And Judas Licciardello landing a flip off the Double Dipper was dope, even if it was more showy than useful.)

~Just so we have an end, the 20 clears that have been either shown or mentioned thus far: CLE16 Allyssa Beird (8.48) DEN15 Nick Kostreski (17.72) DEN14 Michael Silenzi (19.44) SAN14 Cass Clawson (22.68) LAX13 Nick Hanson (5.03) DEN9 Drew Knapp (5.03) CLE8 Mike Bernardo (24.90) LAX7 Kevin Bull (27.95) KCT6 Lance Pekus (45.48) SAN6 Andrew Lowes (6.68) DAY5 Travis Rosen (28.80) SAN4 Brent Steffensen (33.66) KCT4 Eric Middleton (23.52) LAX4 Flip Rodriguez (30.55) DAY3 Sean Darling-Hammond (6.26) LAX3 Josh Levin (14.30) DAY2 JJ Woods (16.73) SAN2 Thomas Stillings (32.88) CLE1 Joe Moravsky (42.76) DEN1 Ian Dory (7.34) So the next episode will have Brian Arnold, Meagan Martin, Jamie Rahn, Jon Alexis Jr, Mike Meyers, Dan Galiczynski, Najee Richardson, Mitch Vedepo, Tyler Yamauchi, Jeremiah Morgan, Drew Drechsel, Jessie Graff, Ryan Stratis, Daniel Gil, Nicholas Coolridge, Abel Gonzalez, Adam Rayl, and David Campbell, plus 30+ other talented athletes, so they prolly ended up with over 40 clears. Or maybe they didn’t! Maybe ANW is going to subvert all expectations and show an episode where everyone just gets completely hecked! WHO KNOWS! (They prolly broke 40.)

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chickensarentcheap · 4 years

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Sanctuary -Chapter 55

Warnings: mentions of PTSD, anxiety, SMUT

Tagging: @innerpaperexpertcloud, @c-a-v-a-l-r-y, @alievans007, @thunderintheshadows, @valkyrie-of-the-light

“Do you smell that?” his voice is a near whisper, corners of his eyes and the bridge of his nose wrinkled in obvious disgust, leaning sideways in his chair, getting as close as possible as he can get to her without practically sitting on her lap.

It's nine in the morning and they're already at the hospital, the waiting room of the radiology department near standing room only; a mixture of both in and outpatients waiting for x rays and ultrasounds.

Esme looks up from the intake form attached to a clipboard in her lap. “All I smell is hand sanitizer and whatever they use to clean the floors with.”

“Are you sure that's all you smell? That's it?”

She nods. “Why? What do you smell?”

“It smells like death.”

It's the PTSD. She's dealt with many a triggering episode in the past five and a half years. Anything out in public can cause an immediate and extremely negative reaction; as simple as someone slamming a vehicle door too hard or even a car backfiring. Fireworks are a nightmare; the Fourth of July an extremely stressful time for him, made even worse by wanting to do things with -and for- the kids for the holiday. She often wonders how he manages when he's on the job; rifles and handguns being the weapons of choice after all. But he'd once explained that when he was 'the zone', he didn't really hear anything. He'd become so accustomed to the using weapons that he could block the sound completely out.

Hospitals have always been a hit or miss. Some appointments go smooth and without any triggering moments. Where he's completely calm and relaxed and nothing bothers him. Others are a disaster right from the get go. Everything from the lights being too bright, to too many people in scrubs, to the beeping of various monitors. Today is somewhere in between bad and mediocre; a slight panic attack the moment they'd pulled into the underground parking lot, having to take the stairs (alone) because he couldn't stand the thought of being enclosed in an elevator, and now the smell.

She doesn't say anything in response; when he's this agitated, the less talk, the better. Instead she offers a reassuring smile, lays a hand on in back between his shoulders, and then returns to filling out the form in her lap. Sometimes simple touch is enough; that light pressuring helping ease the tension and calm the nerves. Today he's wound extremely tight. Hands clasped tightly together and resting on his stomach, right thigh violently moving back and forth.

“I hate hospitals,” he says, and she can hear the slight panic in his voice. This is huge for him; having to fight his own fears and his own demons while trying to help her. It breaks her heart; that this big, strong, seemingly fearless man has to battle with such a powerful, invisible force. Even when it comes to trying to support his own wife during what should be an exciting, happy time. But there's pride as well; that he's so determined to be by her side and he's handling his own discomfort and suffering so well.

She places the clipboard on the small table beside her, then grabs her bag from it rests on the floor between her feet; rummaging through it until she finds a bottle of prescription meds. Proceeding to twist off the lid, dump three small pills into her palm, and then offer them to her husband. No words are needed. He doesn't need them. And he gives a small smile of appreciation, presses a small kiss to her forehead and then takes the meds from her, placing them under his tongue and waiting for them to dissolve. She hates this for him; the struggle he has with his mind. And she notices the way the young couple sitting across the way keeps watching them. Maybe it's his sheer size; , long and leggy, the broad shoulders and the muscular chest and the powerful arms. Maybe it's even the mixture of the tattoos and the various scars that are in such visible places. But she guesses

it's his behaviour; the shaking of the leg, the eyes that never stop surveying everything and anything around them, his tightly clasped hands. She glares at the pair sitting across from her; that one simple, dark look letting them know that under no circumstances will she hesitate in calling them out on their bullshit. And her hand moves from between his shoulders to the back of his neck; fingernails lightly scraping just under the band of his baseball cap.

It only takes a few seconds to work; the shaking of the leg stopping and his hands slightly relaxing. When they'd first sat down, it had been the repetitive actions of removing his hat, running his hand through his hair, putting his hat back on. Several minutes of the same until she'd had to redirect him by getting him to go into the hall and get her a bottle of water from a vending machine. The OCD tendencies are extremely rare and don't flare up often, but when they do, the only thing that is successful in getting him to stop whatever he's doing is to give him something else to concentrate on. Once that happened, he never went back to the other. Now he's moved on to fidgeting with his wedding ring; repeatedly pulling it up to the knuckle and then pushing it back down, sometimes just rubbing the pad of his thumb against the smooth metal. It's relatively harmless, until he manages to rub the skin underneath completely raw.

“Do you want to take this up for me?” she asks, as she holds out the clipboard.

It gives him something to do; a simple task that will take his mind off whatever thoughts are plaguing him. It's a temporary fix , but it gives him some relief at least. And she watches him as he heads off, noticing the attention he seems to attract everywhere they go. He exudes confidence; sure in his ability to handle any and all situations that come his way. And it's that confidence that draws peoples interest; a man of few words that can express more in his body language and facial expressions than in an entire sentence. And of course, the ladies like him; young and old. What's not to like? The face, the blue eyes, the insane body.

It's only thirty feet, but when he returns he's calmer; whether it's from the redirection of the medication kicking in, or even both. But he's stopped fidgeting and his eyes aren't darting around with the same intensity they were before, and there's no longer sweat linger at his temples or the band of his baseball cap. And he when sits, he just stretches his legs out instead of shaking them, and he drapes an arm across her shoulders, hand resting on her upper arm. A different person, just like that. Which in turn helps her to relax, and she leans into him, head resting back on his shoulder, hand on his thigh.

“I have to pee,” she announces. “So bad.”

“You can't. That's the rules.”

“Screw the rules. I feel like I'm going to explode. It hurts.”

“Well go and let a little bit out,” he suggests.

“Have you ever tried to pee just a little bit? It doesn't work that way. I hope it's not too much longer. Because I don't know how long I can sit here having to go this bad. Do you still smell it? What you were smelling earlier?”

He shakes his head. “It's gone now.”

There was nothing ever there of course, although he doesn't realize that. He associates the normal smells of a hospital with death. Not surprising, considering how close to death he'd actually come and how long he'd had to stay cooped up with various wires and tubes attached to nearly every available spot on his body.

“Remember the first ultrasound we had for the twins?” she asks. “When we found out there was two? You looked like you were going to faint.”

“I went in there expecting one. So when they tell you there's two of everything...”

“You were probably just worried it was two girls.”

“That's not a lie. That is exactly what I thought at first. How the hell am I going to deal with two more girls? I didn't want to be that outnumbered. I was already getting bossed around and there was just you and Millie was still tiny.”

“A tiny dictator,” Esme concludes. “That's because you'd pick her up every time she made even the smallest noise. You wouldn't leave her alone. Now she's five and you're totally wrapped around her little finger. You complain about being a whipped husband? Oh no. She's the one that has you completely whipped.”

“She hasn't gotten me to wear the tiara yet. She hasn't broken me completely.”

“Give it time,” she laughs, and rubs his thigh. “She's only five. There's tons of time left.”

Her cell phone...in the bag once again on the floor between her feet,,,begins to ring and he leans down to grab it for her; helping keep any unnecessary pressure off of her already full and extremely nervous bladder. There's no secrets between them; able to go in and out of each other's belongings without question or permission, and he pulls out her phone and checks the call display. Immediately frowning.

“Your mother.”

Esme groans. “That's the fifth time since we left the house.”

“Want me to text her and tell her to fuck off?”

“Next time answer. That'll scare the shit out of her and she'll probably hang up.”

“Or she'll lose her shit on me. I'm kind of hoping she does. That way I can just snap. You'll let me, right? Snap? Just this once? Normally you don't let me flip my shit on her. And I really want to.”

“It's been five and a half years in the making. She has it coming. How cute you are you?” she reaches up to rub her palm against his cheek, the bristles of his beard tickling her skin. “Wanting to defend my honour.”

“It's her goddamn fault we're even here right now. What is something worse had happened? Not just stitches and a concussion. What if you'd lost the baby because of her bullshit.”

“Tyler, let's not even think about things like that, okay?”

The leg starts to shake again, and she moves her hand over to to it.

“Don't dwell on what didn't happen,” she says. She knows him far too well; how his mind works when the PTSD kicks in. Obsessing over things that either never happened, or he fears will. “Everything is fine and we're just here for a more in depth ultrasound. Not because there's a problem. Hey...” she squeezes his knee. “....calm down just a bit, okay?”

“I hate hospitals.”

“I know. But you're doing fine. You're doing fine and I'm proud of you.”

That finally brings a smile to his face, and he lays his hand over top of hers, gripping it tightly.

“You can go wait in the hall,” she suggests.

“The hall is still the hospital.”

“Just calm down. Just take a breath. You're doing fine, Tyler. I know how hard this is for you. Being here. And I love you for doing this. For going so far out of your comfort zone.”

“I wasn't going to let you come alone. Not like you made the kid on your own. I just...” he sighs heavily. “...I just fucking hate hospitals.”

“It's okay,” she assures him, and tightens her hold on his hand. “You're fine. You're fine and you're doing amazing.”

Even the biggest and toughest need validation and reassurance.

****

The ultrasound had showed no abnormalities; everything developing properly, heart strong and healthy, growth right on track. It's a huge relief; the news putting all of their fears and worries to rest. The doctor's appointment had been slightly disappointing. The IV could come out, but weekly tests would monitor her keytone levels and the IV would be put back on (for much longer this time, maybe even through the rest of the pregnancy). The numbers had been shockingly bad when she'd been brought into the ER and easily could have escalated to kidney damage or failure. She'd been given an order to eat more now that the Zofran was in her system and working; a ten pound weight less at this stage of the game being completely unacceptable, according to the doctor. She needed to hydrate, eat, get proper sleep, and stress less. Sex however, was allowed. Just nothing too vigorous or rough.

“Well there goes all the things we like,” Esme had quipped, getting a laugh from the doctor but a glare from Tyler.

The house is empty when they get back, and they take full advantage of it. Eager and needy hands yanking at -and removing- clothes before the bedroom door even closes behind them. There's a desperation to the way they touch, the way they kiss; hungry and intense, yet possessing a a sense of urgency. He leaves in eight hours for New Zealand, and the realization that this moment together may in fact be their last hangs heavily in the air. His kisses are deep and aggressive, yet his hands are soft as they explore her body; those callouses rough against her skin as they move along it, his weight holding her against the back of the door. Her hands are in his hair; tugging, twisted; his mouth on her neck as his fingers move along the inside of her thigh, slow and deliberate,making her shudder against him. His touch is methodical, as if committing every inch of her body to memory, and she gives a mewl of disappointment when he suddenly removes his hand from behind her legs. Kissing her as he takes her face between his palms, using his size and strength advantage to push her across the room, until the backs of her legs collide with the edge of the bed and she topples backwards with a giggle.

She bites her lip as she watches him peel his t-shirt up and over his head. Even all these years and the extra pounds and muscle later, she is still turned on by the sight of him; the sheer power behind those solid muscles, the tattoos, the scars. All the the things that mix together to make him an incredibly beautiful man. The one who had both made her forget about anyone that ever came before, and ruined anyone that may -for some inexplicable reason- come after him.

“Baby...” she sighs in contentment. “...you are so sexy.”

Tyler just grins in response; big hands reaching for her hips, fingers hooking in the waist band of her simple cotton panties and then yanking them down and over her ass, fingertips gliding along her legs as she pulls them down and then tosses them onto the floor alongside his t-shirt. Her eyes fluttering shut as his mouth and his hands begin their slow ascent of her body, beginning at the side of her left ankle and then travelling upwards, lips and tongue teasing the inside of her leg as his fingertips drift along the back. Moving with such intent and purpose that she can barely stand it; anticipation building to an almost unbearable level. And when he reaches that juncture between her hip and thing, she's once more grabbing at his hair and his shoulders, desperate for more. To feel his mouth where she's hot and wet and ready for him.

He decides not to prolong the torture. Placing a forearm across her stomach and holding her in place; eyes riveted on hers as he drags the tip of his tongue along her slit, then bringing it in direct contact with her clit. Watching as he eyes close once more and her breath hitches; the grip on his hair tightening. He wastes no time; he knows exactly what buttons to push. How to use his mouth and his fingers to quickly bring her to orgasm. Loving the way his name sounds as it explodes from her mouth. And he can feel her entire body violently shuddering as he places a trail of warm kisses all the way up to her lips. Letting her taste her own juices on his lips and tongue. Then he pulls back to look at her; pushing a hand through her hair, eyes searching every inch of her face.

“You are so beautiful,” Tyler breathes. “And I love you. I'll always love you. I want you to know that.”

It's important that she does know. That she hears it in his voice and sees it in his eyes. Just in case he doesn't make it back and he never gets the chance to tell her again. Not wanting to her to left wondering just what and how he'd felt.

“I love you,” tears sparkle in her eyes. “So much. And I've never regretted a single second of the last five and a half years.”

He kisses her; long, slow, tender. Wanting to remember the feel of her mouth against his, the smooth glide of her tongue, the taste of her lips. If this is the last time...if he never does return home...this will be the last memory either of them have of each other. And when his end comes...if it comes...he will have had last this moment. Where no words were left unspoken. Where he showed her how felt. How he would always feel. And her hand comes to rest on the back of his head, pulling him tighter against her, the kiss deepening and becoming more intense as their hands work together to remove the last remaining bits of clothing. His name coming out of her mouth in a breathless moan when his lips travel across her collarbone, one of his hands once more delving between her legs, the palm gently cupping her mound before two fingers push inside of her.

Combined with the way he sucks at the top of her left breast -effectively marking her as his- and how his thumb swipes across her clit, it's too much for her anxious and needy body to take. And she comes a second time; not as powerful as the first, but just as incredible, her entire body arching off the bed as she heaves a long, content sigh. His mouth capturing hers as again as he slides his arm between her and the mattress, effortlessly lifting as he sits back on his heels, his free hand tightly gripping her hip as he positions her in his lap, slowly lowering her down onto his cock. She cries out at the sensation; the feeling familiar, but amazing all at the same time. No man had ever filled her in the way that he does; no one else ever able to make her feel the ways that he can. He'd long ago memorized each and every inch of her; finding all those secret, magical spots that drive her crazy, learning just how and where she likes his hands and his mouth. Both hands on her hips now as they gently guide each movement, matching each thrust he makes, his lips and his tongue teasing her breasts; taking those hard nipples into his mouth, alternating between gentle and aggressive suckling. Her hands exploring the hard, powerful muscles that make up his shoulders and back before once more pushing in his hair and aggressively yanking his head up towards her; kissing him with a ferocity and intensity that she'd never displayed before.

“Tyler...” his name comes out as a choked sob, her forehead falling against his. “...make me come....please...make me come...”

He slips a hand between them, once more finding that hard, slick nub; pressing his thumb against it and then rubbing in slow, smooth circles until she's coming apart for a third time. The scream muffled against his shoulder; her teeth digging into the skin; hard enough to break the surface and draw blood. And he once again places her on her back, still on his knees, fingers biting into her hips as he pulls her into him; filling her with several long, strong thrusts until he's coming as well. Body rigid, a low moan rumbling deep within his chest as he empties himself inside of her. Waiting until he feels that last drop leaving him before dropping his forehead towards her, placing warm, moist kisses on her quivering stomach before travelling up to her mouth. Their breathing harsh and ragged as he kisses her; slow and soft. Her hand on the side of his face when he pulls back to look at her, hating the sight of those huge, hot tears that spill down her cheeks.

****

Afterwards he lays on his side; her back tucked into his front, a hand resting on her stomach, one leg thrown over hers, eyes closed and his face buried in her hair. Relaxed by both their lovemaking and the way her fingernails repeatedly glide over his forearm.

“Tyler?” her voice is quiet, sullen. The tears have stopped for now, but they are never far away.

He presses a kiss to the back of her head. “Yeah?”

“The selfish side of me doesn't want you to leave. It wants you to just stay here. Where you're safe. It doesn't want you to go.”

“That's not selfish, baby.” he assures her.

“But the logical side of me knows you have to go. I mean, they're kids. What kind of person would I be if I told you stay? To just let someone else worry about them? I'd want someone to find my kids.”

“Esme, it doesn't make you a bad person because you don't want me doing the job. You're just worried. I think you'd be a horrible person if you weren't worried.”

“I'm scared,” she admits. “I'm scared you're not going to come back. And I need you to come back. I can't do this by myself. Four kids. Five, soon. That's not what I signed up for. We were supposed to do this together. I'm not supposed to be doing this alone. I don't want to this alone.”

“You will if you have to. You won't have a choice.”

“I'm not strong enough for that. You have all this faith in me. You think I'm so strong and I'm not. I'm far from strong.”

He places a kiss on her shoulder. “You're the strong person I know. And you'd be okay. I know you would. That's the one thing that almost makes it okay. That if I die, I know you and the kids will be alright.”

“”I can't do this alone. I can't. I know you want to think I can. I know you want to think I'd be okay. But I'd be far from okay if something happened to you. Five and a years is nowhere near enough.”

“We always knew this could happen. If I stayed with the job. There was always that risk. That I'd leave and I wouldn't come back.”

“But you always did come back. And now it just seems like you've just accepted that you won't. And you don't know that. You don't know what's going to happen. And you're talking like you do.”

“I'm not saying it will happen. But out of all the jobs I've ever gone on, this is probably the riskiest one yet. You even said so yourself; these people are far more dangerous than anything I've come up against. You know way more about them than I do. You've heard the stories. And I've got to go in there and get two kids out. Not just one. Two.”

“You said someone would be with you. That weren't going to go in there alone. Tell me you're not going in there by yourself.”

“I'll have someone with me.”

“Like with you, with you, or waiting somewhere for you? Because that's two entirely different things. You need to take someone in with you. Not have someone waiting outside for you. Be right inside with you. Tell me that's what you're going to do. Tyler...” she rolls over to face him. “...tell me you're not going in there by yourself.”

He gives a small, tight lipped smile.

“Are you serious right now? You said someone will be with you. And that means right beside you. Don't pull this shit with me. Not when there's only eight hours before you leave. Don't do this.”

“He's going in with me but he's not going to be right beside me. He's not going to be right on my shoulder. He'll be waiting somewhere so I can hand one of the kids off to him.”

“That's not good enough. That's nowhere near good enough.”

“Esme, I can't have someone up my ass while I'm trying to extract people. I just can't. I need to be able to go in there, do my thing, and that's that. It won't do any good if he's right there. That's only going to hinder me. I'll be worried about him fucking up and feeling like I have to babysit him.”

“I don't give a shit. I don't want you going in there alone. Not when you have two people to get out. That's too dangerous and you know it.”

“I've done hundreds of extractions,” he reminds her. “Hundreds. I know what I'm doing.”

“How many of them had two people involved?”

“None. But...”

“Then why would you even take the chance? Why would you even risk it? You need someone going in there with you.”

“What I need is for you to calm down. You heard what the doctor said. Stay calm, don't stress...”

“Easy for him to say when he's not married to you,” she huffs. “You're kind of stressful sometimes.”

“I am? See all this gray hair coming in? That's all from you. It all has your name on it. I think I aged ten years just on the car ride to the airport,” he pushes his hand through her hair. He'd dyed it earlier; returning it back to his normal chestnut colour, some of the colouring still lingering on his hands thanks to the supplied gloves being way too small. He likes it better this way; it's familiar, it's comforting. It's home. “It'll be okay. He won't be right beside me, but he'll be there. That's what matters.”

“What matters is you coming back alive. Not in a body bag.”

He presses his lips to her forehead. “Baby, I wouldn't leave you unless I had to. Unless I had no other choice. You know that, right? That the only reason I wouldn't come back is because I am dead?”

She nods.

“I'm going to do whatever I have to to get home. I promise you. Even if it means I have to leave those kids behind. If it comes down to it...if I have to make a choice...I'm choosing myself over them. No matter how selfish that sounds.”

“It's not selfish. It's smart. It's survival. But I hope you don't have to make that choice. Because I know that will be on your mind for the rest of your life and you'll constantly question whether you did the right thing. And I don't want that for you.”

“I know you don't,” he presses a chaste kiss to her lips.

“You're a good person, Tyler. Whether you see that in yourself or not. I see it. I know who you really are. When you're away from the job. I know the things that are in your mind and in your heart, and those are beautiful places. I know you see yourself as a terrible person. But if you could just...for once...see yourself the way I see you. How I see you when you're with your kids. How much you love them. How'd you do anything for them. And how much they adore you. You're a big man with an even bigger heart. And you'll never convince me otherwise.”

He grins, “Not even in the forty, forty five years we still have left?”

“Not even then. I'm not ready to let you go. It hasn't been nearly long enough. No matter how many times I complain that you drive me absolutely batshit insane.”

He gives a small laugh.

“But I'd rather you be here to drive me batshit insane than to not be here.

“I'm not going anywhere. Unless I don't have a choice.”

“I really do not want you to go.”

“I know.”

“But I know you have to. And I'm not going to stop you. Even if part of you wishes I would.”

Tyler smirks. “You really do know me well.”

“What? You think I've been asleep for the last five and a half years? I've been paying attention. I know what you're like and what goes through that head of yours. And you're probably the same way when it comes to me. There's things you know I'm going to say before I even say them. Or things you know I'm thinking. How many times have we finished each other's sentences? Or given each other the same look when someone has said or done something stupid?”

“A lot,” he says. “A lot of times.”

“Remember what Gaspar said? About how two broken people can't make a whole? That they can't heal each other, they can only make an even bigger mess of things?”

He nods.

“I think we proved him wrong. We're not perfect. Not by a long shot. But we're not the same people we were back then. Not even close to it. So we did heal each other. And maybe we've got a lot of scars left behind, but we look what we've managed to do together. We have a life. A normal life. We have four kids and this little peanut...” she smiles as she lays a hand on her stomach. “...did you really think five and a half years ago that any of this would be possible? If someone had have told you before you left for Dhaka, what would happen in the end, would you have believed them?”

“I would have told them they were fucking crazy.”

“Right? I would have said the same thing. I've someone had told me before I walked into that shack of yours that less than six months later you'd be my husband, I would have laughed at them.”

“Why?” he grins, and laying a hand on the small of her back, pulls her tight against him. “Was I that hideous?”

“As if you could ever be hideous. And that wasn't a slight on you. It was just how weird my life was at the time. I was so caught up in the job and travelling from place to place and never forming bonds with anyone. So if someone had said 'hey, that's your future husband and you're going to end up with four kids'...”

“Five,” he corrects. “Well, four and a bit right now.”

“...I would have thought it was the most ridiculous I ever heard. That wasn't what I had planned for my life. A husband, children. I thought that all went out in the window with Mark. I thought for sure I'd be single forever. That I'd never trust anyone again. That anyone would ever love me.”

“That was him putting shit in your head. All that bullshit he told you.”

“But then you came along and everything changed. Less than a week and half later, I was giving up everything for you. For some random Australian who lived in a shack with a chicken as a roommate. And it felt so right and so perfect. I never sacrificed anything for you. I just gave up one life for a better one.”

“This is better? Living like this? Having to put up with my bullshit and the job? How is that better?”

“Because you love me. No matter how big of a bitch I can be or how much I nag you. Because you helped me make four beautiful children. Because of this little peanut...” she pats her stomach. “...Tyler, I don't regret meeting you. Or that things happened the way they did. Or that they happened so quick after that. And I definitely don't regret that day on the Sultana Kamal bridge. And I'd do it all again if I had to. In a heartbeat.”

The honesty in her words...in her eyes...brings tears to his own. They've had a lot of heart to hearts over the things; sharing their deepest and darkest secrets, their most painful memories, their fears and worries. But they've never had this. Where the the emotions are just laid so bare. “I wouldn't change a thing,” he says. “Well maybe the choking you out part. I probably went a little overboard with that.

“Are you kidding? I know you were pissed, but that was insanely hot.”

He can't help but laugh at that, and he presses a kiss to her brow and lays his forehead against her. “I don't regret it either. How things happened. In Dhaka. In that hotel room. Maybe it wasn't right, but it felt right. And I don't regret how quick things happened after that. Millie, getting married, all of that. Only thing I regret is what happened on that bridge. That you had to see the things you did. If I could change anything, that would be it. I'd change it so we just got the fuck out of there.”

“But wouldn't it change other things? I mean, if things truly are meant to happen, wouldn't changing one thing change everything else? Millie would still be there. We made her during those first five days. So she was going to be on this earth regardless. But would the twins and Declan be here? If we changed the ending and took a different path, would they ever have been here?”

“That's pretty deep, babe.”

“Say you could back and change the ending of Dhaka, but you knew it would mean that the boys would never exist. Would you do it? If we just walked away that day and you almost didn't die, but it meant we never had them. Would you still want to change it?”

“No,” Tyler admits. “Not in a million years. I wouldn't give my sons up for anything. Any of my kids. I don't care what I had to go through. I'd go through it all again if it meant they'd be here.”

“Good answer,” she says, and he can feel her smile against his throat. “But there is one thing I would change.”

“Yeah? What?”

“The sewer. If I could go back in time, I would never let you talk me into that bullshit.”

“I didn't really talk you into anything, I basically told you to get your ass in it. There was no negotiating. It was get in there or get shot. You want to get shot? Because that's how you get shot.”

“Okay, so we'd have to change the Goonies from hell part too.”

“You just said we can't change anything. That if we change one thing, it changes everything. You're not playing by the same rules, here. If we get rid of the Goonies from hell part, that gets rid of the sewer part because we would have made it safe and sound to the bridge that night. So the next day never would have happened. See where I'm going with this?”

“Damn it! You aren't just a pretty face. You're right.”

“That's twice in two days. That you admitted I was right about something. That hasn't happened once in five and a half years and now it happens twice in two days?”

“Don't get too excited. It won't happen again. You had a good run, though.”

“For what it's worth,” he rests his chin on top of her head. “ I'm sorry I made you get into the sewer.”

“You should be. That smell is never going to leave my sinuses. And for what it's worth on my end, I'm sorry I told you you were like a bear with a sore asshole that first day in Dhaka. But you were exceptionally grumpy and mean and it was driving me insane.”

“I was only mean because you couldn't listen to simple fucking instructions before we went out in public.”

“Well I didn't like your instructions and you weren't the boss of me, so...”

“I was the boss then and I'm the boss now.”

“Yeah right! Baby, I just let you think you're the boss. I don't ever actually listen to anything you say. I just nod and agree and then I do my own thing anyway. It's how we ended up with a purple and yellow guest bathroom even though you distinctly said no. And I even talked you into painting it. So who's the boss around here?”

He frowns. “You're sneaky.”

“Don't underestimate my abilities. I have ways of making you do things. You just don't realize I'm using the powers against you. Why do you think I put out so much? Because it makes you happy and agreeable and you're more willing to agree with whatever I say and whatever I want.”

“So that's how it works.

“That's exactly how it works. See? You're five and a half years in and you had no idea you weren't really the boss.”

“There are some areas where I'm still the boss. I don't give a shit what you say.”

“Yeah...like what? Name one.”

“I can show you one if you want,” he offers, as he slips a hand between them, finding the warm place between her legs, wasting no time in slipping a finger inside of her.

She squirms. “Just the one?”

“I can make it two,” he adds a second finger, chuckling when she clamps her thighs around his hand.

“I think you should make love to me again,” she suggests.

“Yeah...” he smirks. “I think you're right.”

#tyler rake #tyler rake fan fiction #tyler rake fan fic #extraction #chris hemsworth character #sanctuary

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