#but for my pros and cons list of college vs moving home. derby was one of 3 things

[southislandwren]

An open letter to my cattle judging professor:

I’m sorry, it’s not your fault. You sent out a post-class email hoping we had fun today. You asked me during class if I was having fun. You try to be engaging and energizing. It’s not your fault.

During introductions on the first day you asked for our judging experience. “I ranked nationally,” said one girl. “I’ve been judging since I was 10,” said another. Countless more were in FFA or 4H showing and judging animals. It’s not your fault I never saw a cow in real life until I was 17.

You called on me in class because I hadn’t spoken up yet. “I like her udder,” I said, trying as hard as I could to think critically. You glanced at the cow, back at me, back at the cow. “Are you sure?” You didn’t know it, but that hurt. I went home and reviewed my notes and cried. It’s not your fault I don’t know what a good udder should look like. It’s not your fault I can barely tell a guernsey from an aryshire.

“Are you having fun?” You asked, so young, so hopeful. “Yeah,” i responded, knowing how to lie. What I didn’t say speaks volumes. I can’t have fun because I am so far behind my peers I will never catch up. I can’t have fun because there’s too much stimulus and I’m overwhelmed. It’s not your fault I’m from a city and chose a major I have no experience in.

I will not end up on your judging team. I will not end up knowing more. You can take your judges and go to the national dairy expo and I’ll take my C and go to my dorm room. It’s not your fault.

#god if someone recognizes my school and teacher specifically please dont show him this. please #this is basically one of my ‘rant in the tags’ post but i had to write to get it out and notes are hard to write in #my judging classes fucking kill my self esteem i cant fucking take it anymore #work is killing me. i work all the time. i worked 7 shifts in the first week and a half. #they ask me all the time to pick up more and i dont know how to tell my boss #if i work more than 4 times a week i will end up k*lling myself #i do not have the mental space to argue with cows when i am focusing on staying alive long enough to get back home #corona is interesting bc i love not having to go to physical classes but also. everyone is a trump supporter #so they refuse to wear masks and they party and they think its fake. i dont have the mental space to deal with that #almost every positive thing about college has been taken away from me and im not really seeing the point in staying #maybe im being dramatic. they closed my two favorite restaurants and derby practices are cancelled #but for my pros and cons list of college vs moving home. derby was one of 3 things #im like. not doing okay. like im As Depressed as i was at McHell. i think thats saying something #i have a tally mark going for how many times ive hysterically sobbed. like open mouth cant get enough air sobbing #we’re up to 3 in less than three weeks 😜 #idk i just want to go home and work at udf and go to GHF and see my parents and pets #i think theres like 80 days or something until we get to go home for the semester. just gotta make it until november 25.