#but everything i am trying isn't working

[uncanny-tranny]

The Trans Community is less an amalgamation of every trans person in existence and more of many trans communities with different needs, goals, aspirations, and experiences, so I'm always low-key suspicious every time I hear cis people act as though there is a Singular Hegemonic Trans Community.

When you notice and recognize that there are many trans communities with either similar or polar opposite goals, I think you can recognize commonalities between communities and are able to work with us instead of assuming, you know?

#trans #transgender #lgbt #lgbtq #ftm #mtf #nonbinary #i'm incredibly suspicious of the idea that the trans community has a cohesive idea on everything or that we're a hivemind... #...i think the most cohesive idea between most trans communities is wanting to make the world a better place for people like us... #...but even then that falls apart when you look at certain trans communities... #...because - surprise surprise- we are not a Monolithic Organization... #...and i think hegemonizing us is one of the first steps to anti-trans radicalization... #...because it requires you to see us less as people but as Trans People (derogatory)... #...where everything we do is because we are Trans People (derogatory) #i'm by no means saying that if you've done this you're irredeemably on the path to being anti-trans #what i AM saying is that acting as though trans people can meaningfully be hiveminded isn't going to realistically work #this has been something i have been trying to get better about - recognizing just how many trans communities there are #and that not all trans communities will even have trans rights in mind. sometimes it's the opposite

[sunstainedpages]

We're not having a fun time right now

#like thankfully I don't have an infection from where they took my wisdom teeth out #but basically it's not healing properly so I am at quite high risk of infection #and they've put this stuff in my mouth to try and get it to heal normally #AND IT TASTES FUCKING DISGUSTING #I was listerally crying while they were doing it because of how bad it tastes #and everything is just so overwhelming right now #like this is the busiest my life has ever been #and realistically I know it's not that busy but as someone who spent a long time just rotting in bed this is a big jump #and I've got work stuff to be doing and I'm going to London next week and I'm also dealing with really bad tooth pain #and I'm very overwhelmed but there isn't really anything I can do but just keep going and maybe cry about it #which is what I'm going to do now

[usareiis]

Lost my original post of this from the other day but I genuinely don't understand how Black Butler discourse ever shifted into the does Sebastian ~really~ like Ciel or is Ciel just dinner line of conversation that is pervasive as it is because Sebastian is the one that has absorbed his whole existence into Ciel's. Sebastian's face is what Ciel wants Sebastian's whole purpose is doing things for Ciel Sebastian's every hell of a butler yes my lord speech is about how he's Ciel's and Ciel is the one going around saying shit like whatever Sebastian is just my pawn 💅

#like sjdjdkdd?????? #it's not that i don't think ciel loves sebastian per se bc. well. i don't think he'd ever process it in terms like that no matter what... #...kind of relationship they have bc the most important thing to him is getting him to do tasks like a dog and proving he will over and over #which is why sebastian does it all so overkill #but the most acknowledgement you ever get that ciel likes sebastian is stuff like idk the fucking book of atlantic you did good today #or if we're feeling really crazy the you were the only demon there line #like the dynamic has gotten way skewed in fandom away from the actual text #and i know why but it's still annoying bc i am not even saying this in a shippy way bc i don't give a fuck about ships #but they're so crazy entwined and in completely incomparable inhuman situations that it literally has no merit on this story to sit and... #...definitely piece together how this relationship works with real life normie standards like it literally is going to fit into no box of... #...what we think of as friends or siblings or parents or partners bc no victorian guy on the face of the earth has a real pet demon. #it's so boring you're missing the bigger picture that they're everything to each other and completely stuck together forever #does x mean y mean z? (least problematic answer only) they're stuck together! forever! #and no one has demons in real life it's all comparable to real life nothing #other than the asthma that's real #anyway. it's like fandom has made up a version of this story in their heads that is so devoid of anything that makes the story the story #twitter is like another planet for this i am mostly talking about twitter where i have been looking for news about the anime and oh boy #i have said this before but sebastian doesn't have a grip on human relationships bc he's not one and ciel doesn't give a fuck #but like this post started with and strayed from. well. sebastian isn't even trying to act like he's indifferent. ciel actually is. #and we're all missing several funny bits from that just trying to fit everything into a box #we could have more interesting conversations if we got past the same three people have been having for 20 years #kuroshitsuji #my kuro posts

[the-force-awakens]

to anyone who needs to hear it: you're allowed to be angry over the way you've been treated in the past. you're not being selfish for realizing that you deserved better, that you shouldn't have been taught that you're not worth loving. you're allowed to be enraged over the cruel words thrown your way, for the way they hurt you, for relationships (of any variation) that wound up being bad in the long run or ended horribly, you're allowed to be furious over that betrayal. you're allowed to be outraged at how you were treated, and how that affects you and your judgment of yourself and however it may impact your current relationships. because trying to repress those emotions only hinder your ability to heal and move on.

#nym speaks #I'm still learning this btw!! #but it's been on my mind #I tried ignoring how angry I am over how I was treated because a part of me was taught that I deserved it but I didn't #I don't! I don't deserve to be treated horribly! #and I'm still going through the motions and unlearning that belief and relearning that that isn't how relationships are meant to work #and I finally let myself feel angry about it. I let myself feel angry about everything and I'm trying not to let myself feel guilty about #that and you know what? I do feel better #don't ignore your emotions kids. they're not bad but they ARE your responsibility. #treat it as such

[newwave-lesbian]

they really did just give me all of the dogshit mental illnesses, huh

#i mean what mental illness isn't dosghit #anyways the reason why my depression meds probably don't work is because i'm bipolar #that's what my therapist thinks anyways. and it makes sense considering the lil manic episodes i have #so um. that fucking sucks but it also explains everything so its fine really #like i really really want to do drugs actually #i mean i am just so sad and empty feeling #i'm working on art but nothing i'm making means anything #can i just get permission to do a shit ton of stimulants #i am sooooooo bored #i'm really trying to make myself feel better here but only with things that'll do it instantly #anyways i want to not smoke because i am running out of weed and money #but i'm gonna smoke delta 8 anyways rn because even after all this caffeine etc i feel nothing and i need something #honestly can i just pass away though. i am so pathetic #or can i actually become hypo manic again. because at least i felt something #anyways does anyone want to be friends with me even though i am severely mentally ill #or can someone give me some dopamine/serotonin. i feel like shit #vent

[angorwhosebabyisthis]

lies on the floor and has just So Many Feelings about all the ways in which pericles and cassidy are foils, one of them being the comparison between how they use constant, vocal, unabashed affirmation of the qualities they value about themselves to cope with rock bottom self-esteem.

there's so much to be said here about how pericles' 'positive' self-talk is ultimately destructive to himself and everyone around him, whereas cassidy's has both been healing for her and held her back from processing her self-loathing in other ways, and so much of that has to do with her experiencing firsthand the results of pericles' shit handling of his poor self-esteem and desperately not wanting to be anything like him. fuck me up man

#sdmi #scooby doo: mystery incorporated #cassidy williams #professor pericles #SDMItag #there's SO much here god #the older i get the more i understand cassidy and *ow* #which like god the 'desperately does not want to be another pericles' is a whole can of worms of its own #cassidy: it's important to internalize that you're allowed to like and be proud of things about yourself without having to Pass Peer Review #not just as a matter of principle but because your brain needs to hear it reinforced to do so; especially when there's already damage #in the same way that someone tearing you down over and over and over will beat the idea into your head over time #no matter how Flat Out Wrong you believe they are on a logical level; and no matter how viscerally you believed that at the start #be the opposite of that for yourself #pericles: my entire personhood hinges on one (1) Good Quality(tm) #without it i am utterly worthless and deserve everything that has ever happened to me. everyone i refused to believe about myself was right #the only valid measure of whether i am a person and have worth is whether the One Good Quality demonstrably *works* in practice #and other people are forced to believe it is real and matters because it directly affects them; usually to their detriment #and the only reason people try to stop me from succeeding or give me consequences for my actions is because they don't see me as a person #'locking me up like a common beast' isn't wrong because he's inherently a person; it's wrong because *he's Smart and that makes him one* #and it does not cross his mind at all that 'seems to have murdered a bunch of children' *might in fact be a reason they'd lock up a person* #so fuck em he'll hurt anyone and everyone in order to prove his One Good Quality; and make *absolutely sure* they know it's being proved #there has to be someone else to witness and validate that proof; because to him his own judgment does not count #cassidy after having her life destroyed by the results: Hm! no thanks #dyn: so nice to meet you; angel

[highwaydiamonds]

#journaling #art journaling #i've done couple spreads/pages from these affirmation cards i got last year with a set of stickers & planner thing i purchased #they weren't designed for this but i've used a couple of them that way #i feel like this is a very simplified - not exactly sanitized - but not NOT sanitized either version of how i've felt about things lately #there's been rather a lot of 'the suck" but i a working to try and keep my head up #oh - and because of the shiny surface the rectangle in the top left - is an image of hokusai's the great wave #i am so full of FEELING - i don't know where to put it all. it's like a spill running in too many directions #i don't know how to organize them or say them all without spreading some kind of infection around- triggering/dumping on other people #and maybe i am also simply tired on top of everything else - smh - but i am tryong to sit with these waves #to remind myself that i need to do what i can to mitigate things - that i know what some of these things ARE - even if i don't like them #and that i CAN do them - regardless #and the stuff i cannot change - that i don't have to absorb it all - that i can see it - and name it and admit it sucks and try and let go #and if - let go- isn't quite right then it's more do what i can to keep going anyway - then that's what i need to keep trying to do #i feel like i keep coming back to the mountain goats' lyrics from This Year: #There will be feasting and dancing in jerusalem next year - and i am gonna make it through this year if it kills me #embrace the suck

[leondaltons]

Hello besties I'm still (barely) alive, life has just been exhausting lately 😩

#between work university and the moving i haven't have time to catch up with anything in here #i barely have free times and when I'm do I'm usually exhausted #and i was gonna use this weekend to try and caught up with everything #but i have been feeling bad since Wednesday and then i developed a fever on Friday #my job sent me home with a medical leave of absence until Tuesday because they suspected the cold could be covid #so...yeah #today i woke up with a horrible headache but i can breathe better and my body isn't as tired #so i guess that's good #spent most of Saturday sleeping so i guess that helped #anyways this is to say that despite my queue running i haven't actually been much on here #but i am alive and miss you all #okay that's all 💗 #flor stuff #to delete

[dogtiber]

Tiber and I keep getting frustrated with each other today, and I'm not really sure what to do. I wish our scheduled date for puppy classes would hurry up and get here already—I feel like maybe I'm doing something wrong and I'd like some outside input from someone who knows what they're doing. He keeps barking and whining during my attempts at training, even for things as simple as trying to reward him when he's settled down and calm...which then turns his voluntary calmness into agitation. 🙃

#tiber tag #journal #i just worry i'm setting us both up for failure #and tbh a lot of it rn is that i'm restricted in what i can do with him while my partner's gone #i can't drive anywhere #i can't leave him alone for longer than a few moments to go get things or set things up #and i am trying to work on that with him #but it just feels like everything i'm trying isn't working

[seagullcharmer]

attempting to teach myself to sew. successfully made something that looks like pants

#libra.txt #it's not finished yet bc i am unsure how to get the elastic to sit right in the yoke #but the legs at least are done 👍 #here's to hoping it actually fits #i bought the pattern back when i could fit a size 14. now i'm between 16 and 18 depending. #it's stretchy jersey-type fabric though and it's athletic leggings so it SHOULD work. i hope. i gave myself a little wiggle room when cutti #but that's not quite how it works. also the seams didn't quite line up (bc i'm bad at cutting) #so there may be a bit of sag 🤦 #oh well. they're to go with a longish tunic so HOPEFULLY everything will work out #but my mom isn't home to watch over my shoulder so. aaaaa learning on the fly #which is what everyone keeps saying to do anyway #just jump right in and TRY and hope everything works out #alas. ye olde ayngsietey #< made-up spelling. no idea if there's an early modern spelling of anxiety #but since early modern wasn't standardised i'll argue that it counts anyway. whatever #but yayyy sewing...!

[justinefrischmanngf]

i need to get over myself and learn the languages i want to learn if i want to learn them like i just need to do it if i want to learn them then i should go out and learn them and like . fuck whatever else any of it means . yes it IS embarrassing to learn a language like the ones i want to learn as an adult but who CARES and yes i KNOW my grandparents will never want to speak to me in those languages but who CARES if it's important to me it can be important to me anyway

#had a moment last night bc i was apparently having an identity crisis which was random #but i had a moment where i was like well even if i learn all these languages no one in my family is going to want to speak to me #in those languages because of [insert reasons i don't need to go into here] and so ultimately none of this is like . cultural Really #it's just me wanting to feel as though i am connected to something when i will never be #and maybe that's true or maybe it isn't but if i want to learn them i should learn them anyway like . at the end of the day #i DO want to learn those languages and i think it would be interesting and i would love to be able to speak to people #in those languages even if the people i speak to aren't related to me and i would love to be able to speak languages that aren't english #and that all stays true even if i am not able to have the cultural connection through language with my own family #like i can go on and on about how disconnected i feel from my culture bc of everything that has ever happened in my life #but how i still feel alienated bc i'm Not White to white people and all of that is true but not learning a language doesn't make it #any better and maybe learning a language won't make it better either but i think it's a better use of my time #ALSO !!!!! NO ONE EVER GOES OH WHY WLD U LEARN FRENCH OR SPANISH [OR INSERT EUROPEAN LANG HERE] u have no real cultural connection to it!!! #so like why is it different bc i want to learn asian languages??? it's not! except in my head! or maybe irl too but i'm just saying #that i think i make all of this a much bigger deal than it has to be #that being said i did just try to look up classes and they r all for children and about keeping children culturally connected 2 their famil #l m f a o but that can't be ALL the classes ............. i'll work it out is what i'm saying and i need 2 get OVER myself #bc none of it is that deep and i can feel conflicted all i like but i should fucking DO smth about it at least #anyway i am posting this in the hopes that i can beat it into my own head bc i am sick and tired of being weird about learning #languages and i need 2 get over my weird cultural identity issues if i want to like . live a life where i don't want to explode and die

[nimue-hidden-lake]

Ah, my bad. Here's the obligatory Fling Posse related post of the day

Because what is a day without a Fling Posse mention at this point?

I might be playing Puyo Puyo Tetris right now but I picture doing it with at least one of them around. I mean, sometimes I like to think that the guys and I do our own thing in the same room but we look over to another to see what we are doing. So I see Ramuda and/or Gentaro work and Dice... Lazing around and not gambling for once while they watch me not mastering Tetris anytime soon.

Perhaps they even get disrtracted - Ramuda cheering and telling me not to give up. Gentaro chuckling because it's funny to see me try yet might guve pointers here and there if he knows what to do. Dice is just laughing yet would point out that it's good to see me try at least as I got his support.

Been kinda fun seeing it that way.

Here's an imagine idea for later. What imagine? You'll see soon enough!

#Nimue's Lake #I do have the mochis around who are watching me play technically so maybe this isn't too far off. #Bonding with the boyfriends! Even when I am doing something not HypMic related! #(Everything I do I always picture Fling Posse. And I admit I always reconnect stuff to them as well) #Even if I do not write about them I picture them around whatever I work on for the day. It at least makes me more motivated to pull through! #Trying to get as much gaming done as possible before winter break is over (and uni starts). May as well. #f/o community #fictional other community #self ship community #selfship community #self shipping community #selfshipping community #Lollipop Love #Sweet Words #Hit The Jackpot #(Guess you could say that this is a personal f/o imagine. I will work on one based on this though!)

[naamahdarling]

.

#i would give ANYTHING to be out from under the duress of SSDI and i simply cannot achieve that and my boyfriend simply cannot achieve that #and i honestly don't know what to do #the constant anxiety #the fear of SS punishing me for begging for help #of holding my boyfriend's income whether earned or unearned against me if we choose to marry and possibly even if we do not #i just don't know how to exist in this world that wants to punish me out of existence simply for trying to survive #everyone says OH don't try to lie to them they'll find out #and i'm like well i'm fucked because for the last many years i thought unearned income was NOT counted against you #but it turns out is is #and it is penalized even more harshly than earned income #to make sure that those of us who CANNOT work know our wretched and worthless place #and if they come at me for having BEGGED for help in the past and my benefits get yanked #guys that's game over for me #that's suicide time and i am not lying because without what meager help they do give i WILL not survive for long #and if they choose to jail me that's also not survivable #so im just looking at this hideous bleak future where i live in fear all the time and can never marry my boyfriend #and it has soured everything #i cannot work #the idea of getting married is sour now and almost disgusting because it's so tainted by fear and oppression #and no a civil ceremony isn't the answer as they consider that the same as legally wed #so i just don't know what to do #i just don't fucking know how to go on #when the rules they play by are so obscure and so rigged against me #i can't do what i love most and make ponies because the very idea fills me with grief and anxiety #i don't have the spoons to chase down the answers or the solutions #i am so tired #and i so very much wish i could just be a regular person and do normal things and care for myself #i am one crisis away from utter dissolution and i barely know who i am anymore #god help me i want to live so very fucking badly but i look at the future and see nothing changing #not going to hurt myself but i wish to god i knew how to make my meager income safe and how to fucking beg so they won't want to take it

[delilahsbard]

i hate periods i hate mood swings

#it's been horrible today #and the amount of work i have isn't making it better either #i haven't been online here or on discord #i miss everyone and everything but i don't have time for anything #i am losing my mind trying to manage academics #nivi.txt

[hylialeia]

still thinking about it and I’m increasingly more convinced that the changes GOT made to Shae were ultimately only compelling by accident (well, by accident and by Sibil Kekilli’s performance) because they ultimately stemmed from a misunderstanding of Tyrion’s storyline and a desire to give him a tragic love story, to the detriment of both his AND Shae’s show characters

#don't get me wrong the actors killed they really did #but it's so VITAL to tyrion's character that he feels and in fact IS unloved and thinks he never can be #that the only person he believes loves him is jaime and that it's JAIME'S betrayal that matters most to him #jaime's betraying him and tysha. the girl who DID love him and is gone. #he plays the wishful thinking game with himself irt shae and tells himself that rationally there's no legitimate love between them #but he also WANTS there to be because he is so damn lonely #but rational him is right and it's always a matter of survival and convenience for shae #but in the show this isn't even a conflict because shae does love him! #they try to spin it as her entire character motivation by the end. woman scorned driven to petty revenge #but that doesn't work! #giving tyrion a romantic love interest who legitimately loves him back changes everything #because so much of tyrion's anger and bitterness and darkness comes from the idea that he's unlovable #thus the trial thus the 'I wish I was the monster you think I am' #that's his thesis statement! but it's not a thesis compatible with the show adaption #and so we lose out on an accurate adaption of tyrion in adwd because it was more important to make him palatable #anti got #tyrion lannister #shae #asoiaf

[running-in-the-dark]

social interaction is so weird. I don't understand it.

at my birthday party yesterday, I just sort of sat there. and watched and listened. and occasionally responded to something someone said. my brother and my friend did most of the talking. it's easy for them, they just know what to say and/or they don't care how they seem to others. they just talked to everyone the whole time.

I don't know, it just feels pointless. I want to like it, I really do, but when there's more than maybe 2 or 3 people (maybe 4, depending who it is) I just feel like an animal trapped in a cage. it feels really bad. it's not fun, it's just stressful. even when I like everyone there and everything is completely fine.

and when everyone leaves I'm just so relieved. I always want to talk to people more, I miss the times when I saw my friends more often, but when I do see them I just want to leave. like, I don't know what to do about it. I did all the things my therapist told me when I was in therapy but it changed nothing. it doesn't feel like I have social anxiety (though yeah okay that too - but it's better now with meds), it's like they're speaking a different language that's sort of similar but I can't quite understand it. I really want to and I try to pretend I do but I can't and it sucks.

like, my therapist would always tell me I can do it, there's no reason to be afraid of social situations because I'm really good at them actually. but no, I was good at therapy because it was a short period of time, I knew the rules and what was expected of me, I knew the only other person there, and I just. lied all the time about everything so she wouldn't be angry with me. I was so afraid she'd think I'm just wrong that I still had to pretend I'm normal.

#I complain about this every time #but just. what do you do about it #practice never made it better. actually it made it worse because I was always exhausted from being around people so much #like when I was going to class every day and practicing everything my therapist said. didn't help. just made me even more tired #I don't know #at one point today I got so overwhelmed that I just thought right this isn't working let's just pretend to be eliot. I don't even know what #that means but I just. idk. being me doesn't work it's just not good enough #it's possible that I really am just autistic. I don't want to say that because I don't have a diagnosis but. idk I guess that's how it feels #I feel so out of place. I had to try so hard not to go get one of my dolls and brush their hair to calm myself down #but that'd be weird so I can't do that #so I just sit there and wait until it's over. and maybe occasionally look at some gifs on my phone. look it's okay my fictional people are #still in there I can still pretend I'm with them! #what the fuck is wrong with me? #personal