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#but everyone is so opinionated I’m lowkey scared that not rethinking my perspective to fit better with everyone else’s reality is bad
justaasianchick
·
3 years
Text
. part 2
#I just sat there and let everyone say whatever while I felt like I was melting inside
#and then I went back to me room and I thought about doing as I once did but then I thought about it and realized that in this case it felt
#more habitual like I was going to do it bc that’s what I’d usually do and not bc I actually wanted it
#but yeah it’s tough bc I’ve talked about this before vaguely so I think my friends might have picked up on it or read between the lines
#but I don’t know if they really have and I don’t know if I want them to
#like I’ve told them everything but I struggle to outright say stuff
#maybe because I lowkey want them not to know so they don’t notice if I do things again so I can just keep doing it later
#or maybe bc I want to maintain the image of me being the happy and mentally stable one out of our friend group and I don’t want to taint it
#Bc most of the time I’m fine
#and anyways yeah idk wtf is wrong with me tho like it’s so hard bc I’ve started realizing how much my friends’ personal life philosophies
#have affected me and it’s like I know that I shouldn’t let how they live their life affect mine
#but everyone is so opinionated I’m lowkey scared that not rethinking my perspective to fit better with everyone else’s reality is bad
#and sigh it’s hard when it seems like both me and some of my friends are coming at things drawing from our own set of beliefs
#beliefs that are connected to trauma
#but beliefs that therefore can contradict and trigger each other
#which is why I don’t think at this point I can live with some of these friends ever bc I know that I’ll get upset over shit which isn’t fair
#to either of us
#and I just really need to take a step back and separate the people I love from their philosophies and separate their philosophies from my
#own and just be able to live my life and be my own independent person
#even if that means making someone upset in the process bc I don’t even know if they are upset
#but also I feel bad bc while I’m willing to let someone let me go if they can’t deal with me as I am and accept me for things I don’t want
#to change about myself
#I do worry that having to let me go would be traumatic for them if it came to it and I don’t want anyone to feel guilty loving me or not
#loving me tho
#I don’t know why I’ve been picking up so many people’s anxieties lately either and idk if it was always this way and I was just so focused
#on new friends that I was just all about being go with the flow that this wasn’t a problem but I feel now like I’ve lost some of myself and
#idk if this happened slowly and I’m just now realizing or if this is just the result of my quarantine spiral
#idk I just want to rethink some things but I feel like people won’t like who I am if I let myself really be happy
#anyways I also just think everyone hates me now bc I’m MIA which maybe is best so ppl unattach and don’t get hurt
#everyone except for the people who follow this account so if u see this bby don’t worry I talked to u yesterday
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