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#but damn the last 3-4 books i’ve read have left me full on sobbing
wretcheddthing · 11 months
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7 Comfort Movies
i was tagged by @cuteallo and i’m Watching you.
1) The Mummy (1999): We Know. If you know me you know this. Hold on I’m going to go take a picture of my bumper sticker (you know the one)
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I have a poster hanging up in my room. It’s my all time most favorite movie Ever. Plus it just feels like a love letter to classic Universal monsters which I didn’t really Get until my good buddy Jamie got me interested in the history of it while I was doing research for my old radio show. Some of the creative choices and definitely the horror elements were so precisely implemented to mimic classic horror set tropes, like how the moon is always huge and bright and a little too big. And it’s SO quotable. RIDDLED with problems, but Roger Ebert said it best, “There is hardly a thing I can say in its favor, except that I was cheered by nearly every minute of it. I cannot argue for the script, the direction, the acting or even the mummy, but I can say that I was not bored and sometimes I was unreasonably pleased.“
2) Howl’s Moving Castle: I don’t think I need to explain this one. It’s a movie that Radiates comfort. I watched it at least a couple times back to back the last time i got sick.
3) Atlantis: The Lost Empire: This movie is directly responsible (in conjunction with The Mummy and Uncharted) for a full cast of OCs. This movie is part of the reason I’ve taken so many archaeology courses and helped out at a dig site last summer. also in conjunction with the mummy and uncharted
4) Mamma Mia: it reminds me of my mom ;-; i grew up with ABBA because of her, she took me to see this in theaters when it came out. she lives a couple states away now and is currently utilizing her retirement to spend a month abroad and i miss her very much. will probably watch this later
5) Brave: I made myself sad bc i miss my mom. This is one I took her to see in theaters, and let me tell you were there not other people in the theater i would have been openly sobbing. Also it’s just a damn fine movie. It came out around the time I was deeply interested in archery and i am partially Scottish so on the surface it seemed right up my alley. but then the story got me and i cannot watch it without crying
6) Zombieland: Stealing this one from Teagan because hard same. Found family, zombies, reminiscent of Left 4 Dead. Good memories with that game playing it with my older sibling on their XBox 360 whenever they came up to visit :) Also it’s SO HARD to find decent zombie shit now!!! no one gets it! nobody gets it anymore they’re all like “the people are the real monsters” NO. THAT’S NOTHING. THAT’S NOT INTERESTING. USE ZOMBIES AS THE METAPHORICAL TOOL THEY ARE TO ELEVATE HUMAN STORIES. COWARDS.
7) The Martian: It’s my favorite book of all time and as far as movie adaptations go I really don’t think it’s that bad. Mark Watney’s gotta be one of the characters ever made. I read this book every single year now because I related to it at a time I really needed to (see: high school) and the movie is pretty faithful imo. Look I have a drawing for it
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anyways i think i made this post too long and i would say it’s bc i’m a film minor but i didn’t say anything really insightful about any of these movies i just like to talk i’m tagging @gilarroyo @olliesaurus-rex @prioriincantatemx @elliewilliams @adairable-dirks @jamiechanga​ and whosoever wishes to participate
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itsclydebitches · 5 years
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Discredit Pt. 2: More Recommended Reviews For A.Z. Fell’s
Alright, folks. Some notes first: 
1. You all rock. I’m sending out 20k+ virtual hugs for all the notes I NEVER expected to get on this nonsense. 
2. This is probably the final section, just because I’m not sure I can adequately follow up part one and it might be foolish to attempt it here. Let alone twice. But for now, here we go. 
3. Kudos to the anon who reminded me of Aziraphale’s cash-only policy <3 
4. Nicole Y’s review is based off an actual comment I read years ago, but heaven only knows where online it was. I’ve got the memory of a goldfish. 
5. Trigger warning for the use of a queer slur in this. It’s the same review as above, number 5 if you want to avoid it. 
6. There’s a text-only version of just the reviews at the end, after all the images. I’ll upload that to my Sparse Clutter collection on AO3 in a bit. 
Bonus 7. People thinking this is a real shop deserve all the good things in this world. 
That’s all I’ve got. Hope you enjoy! 👍
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****************************************************************************
I’m a simple guy who likes simple jokes. If there’s a whoopee cushion I plant it. I will call you up to ask if your refrigerator is running and then tell you to go catch it. (Actually that one died out so thoroughly it’s actually capable of a comeback now!). Yes, I’m a dad and yes, I have a t-shirt that says Dad Jokes? I Think You Mean Rad Jokes! which I wear un-ironically every Saturday. All of which is just to say that my wife was well prepared for my stupidity when I walked into Fell’s.
I? I was not.
You see the bibles when you walk in? The ones to the left? Let them be. Don’t even look at them. Definitely don’t pick out the fanciest one you can find and absolutely don’t walk up to the owner with it held in your pudgy little fingers, grinning like a loon, cheerfully asking whether this should be in the fiction section. Just don’t. Mark my words you’ll regret it. Though your wife won’t. She’ll get a great old laugh out of it all.
In conclusion: it’s quite possible that mama did raise a fool and he just got his ass verbally whooped by a guy in a bowtie.  
***
Shout-out to Mr. Fell for being the only decent bloke in this city. I’ve popped in and out of his store for years—including before I started transitioning. So he knew my dead name, dead look, whole shebang and I was definitely nervous to play the ‘You know me, but this is what’s changed and are you gonna throw a fit about it?’ game.
You know what he said? “Oh, Rose! What a lovely choice. Crowley dear, why aren’t you growing any roses? Some white ones would look splendid next to my Henredon chair.”
That’s it. He just went straight into dragging his partner for not giving him roses. So hey, Mom? Next time you’re snooping through my social media why don’t you explain to all these nice people why the 50+yo book seller accepts me in ways you won’t. Don’t go telling me age is an excuse or that you’re ‘Stuck in your ways.’ I’ve watched Fell dress in the same damn clothes since I was ten!!
Yeah. Sorry. Rant over. Fell’s a gem. That’s my take. Rose out.
***
Anyone else in the shop when that guy started yelling about buying pornography? And then got escorted into the back room for some ‘private conversation’? Well done, Mr. Fell! Didn’t know you had it in you.
***
Alright alright alright alright I am TOTALLY calm about this.
Went into A.Z. Fell’s last Thursday. Not because I knew anything about the place. Just because I’ve been hitting up every bookshop within a twenty-mile radius, asking if they’re hosting any book signings. Long story short I self-published my novel Blight last month—which you can get for a mere £5 here but I swear this isn’t a promotional thing I’m just BROKE—and have been looking for networking opportunities, tips, stuff like that. So the owner listened politely as I explained all this. Then said he didn’t do anything of that sort, which didn’t surprise me given the shop’s vibe.
But then? Then??? He offered to let me do a signing there??????
As said. Totally calm about this. This man either plans to kidnap me or is actually giving me my first shot at an audience outside my blog. AKA totally worth the risk.
Tuesday the 9th. 7:00pm. Just in case anyone’s interested ;)
***
holy sweet baby jesus i was tripping balls last week you tryin’ to tell me that kING KONG SIZED FANGED FUCK SNAKE IS REAL
***
Witnessed the most perfect exchange the other day:
Grumpy Dude With No Manners: “You. Boy. Where’s the man I spoke with over the phone?”
Mr. Fell’s Partner Who Knows Damn Well Only Two of Them Work There But Clearly Doesn’t Like This Guy’s Tone: “Did this man give you his name?”
Grumpy Dude: “Might have. Don’t remember. Sounded like a fairy though.”
Me: “....”
My girlfriend: “....”
This Poor Sweet Startled Kid On Our Left: “?!?!?!?”
Fell’s Partner In The Drollest Voice I’ve Ever Heard: “None of us have wings. Out!”
***
This shop gets full stars simply because every time I walk in they’re playing Queen.
I mean, I’ve walked in once, but once is enough when you’ve got Crazy Little Thing Called Love blasting full volume.
***
Okay, I’m still kind of shaken up but I needed to write this out somewhere and this seemed as good a place as any.
I spilled my latte on a book. Just tripped on thin air, popped the lid, and chucked a venti’s worth of coffee all over a very expensive looking text. I didn’t mean to, obviously, but it happened and I just started bawling on the spot. Full on sobs because this semester has been absolute hell, I ruined this guy’s antique, there’s no way I can pay for it, I can’t even sneak away because I’m drawing the whole store’s attention...just all the things all at once. I really was straight up panicking and was seconds away from pulling out my inhaler. I couldn’t breathe.
And then Mr. Fell showed up.
Jesus it’s embarrassing to admit but I think I hit him once or twice. On the arms I mean, because he was trying to touch me and I figured, I don’t know, it was a restraint or something. He was going to call the police and hold me until they got there. But then he managed to start rubbing my back and I lost it like I hadn’t already been bawling my eyes out in this shop. Ever cry into a perfect stranger’s chest? I have! But if Mr. Fell seemed to mind he definitely didn’t show it. Just kept holding me while I probably ruined his shirt and then took me into the back and made me a new coffee in this cute little angel mug. He let me stay there while I called my sister and waited for her to arrive.
She’s a good twenty minutes outside of Soho, so we talked for a while. It’s not like Mr. Fell could fix my shit roommate or bio classes, but I guess just talking about it all really helped. I was a lot calmer by the time my sis arrived and Mr. Fell insisted I come back any time I wanted—for browsing or more coffee.
Of course, sis offered to pay for the book herself. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone look so surprised in my life. “Certainly not!” he said. “Contrary to popular belief, no one should pay for their mistakes. It’s what makes you all so wonderfully human.”
So yeah. Thanks, Mr. Fell.
***
This little shop must have started a book club for kids! Lately I’ve seen the same group of children hanging out at Fell’s. Three boys and a girl. They’re a bit rambunctious at times, but who isn’t at that age? So wonderful seeing literature passed down to the next generation. Even if some of it is rather questionable looking...
***
It’s an honest crime that more of you aren’t talking about what a wonderful bookstore this is.
I’m a book lover at heart and Fell’s always makes me feel like I’m coming home. I just arrived somewhere safe and familiar after a particularly harrowing day. I’ve slipped under the covers of my bed after dinner and a bubble bath. It’s something like that, but with an element of surprise too. One of the reasons why I adore private and used shops over chain stores is that little touch of chaos. You walk in and sure, there are general sections to browse, but everything is just a little bit disorganized from people leafing through books and then putting them back somewhere else. There’s no real record keeping, you’ve just gotta head to one particular corner and hope for the best. It’s not the sort of place you go to if you want something specific because the chances of them having it are slim—that’s just how the universe works—and even if they did no employee knows where it is anymore.
But if you wander the shelves for a while, crouch down low to get a look at everything on the bottom shelf, pay attention to the books that don’t have easy to read titles or any summaries to speak of... you just might find something you didn’t know you were looking for. That’s Fell’s: the comfort of the familiar and the excitement of the unknown.
*** A lot of people might assume that these stories are embellished or outright made up, but as a bookseller myself going on twenty years I believe every single one of them.
That being said, I accidentally moved a rug and found chalk sigils that look like they belong in a cult. Make of that what you will.
***
There’s a special place in hell for 21st century shop owners that only take cash. Who carries cash anymore? Not me! I haven’t bothered with that nonsense in years! You can get a card reader for 15 pounds on Amazon. Or you know what? Be stingy and pay 7 for the little attachment on your phone. This place is nuts if it thinks it’s going to survive much longer on a cash-only policy, especially with some books that look like they’re worth hundreds or thousands of pounds! Yeah, yeah, just let me pull out this giant wad of bills for you. I’ll carry them around a crime-laden city because there’s no ATM near you either.
I mean jesus, you’d think this guy didn’t want to sell anything.
***
I walked in. There was a man screaming at a fern while another threatened him with an umbrella. I walked out.
5 stars do recommend.
***
I once walked in on the same (?) guy yelling at a book for daring to fall on the owner’s head. I think that’s just a Thing over there.
***
Like a lot of people here I didn’t actually go to Fell’s for any books (flat tire, Angel Recovery taking forever) and ended up staying three hours (not because of Angel). No, I wandered towards the back and found this ancient CRT set propped on a table of books, the kind that my Dad used to watch Twilight Zone on. This lanky guy had a marathon of Gilmore Girls going... though how he was managing that with a broken antenna and no DVR, I really don’t know. But yeah. He told me to pull up a chair and I did. Guy gave me popcorn.
I wish I’d paid a little more attention to his name. Charlie? Curley? I really can’t remember, but thanks for the enjoyable afternoon, man.
***
I BOUGHT A BOOK HERE
Not sure how though. Just kinda happened. First edition of Just William. Frankly I didn’t even want the thing, but the owner basically shoved me out the door with it when I took two seconds to look at the spine. Odd that he was so willing to part with this one.
Update: ... hold up. I didn’t buy a book because I never actually paid the guy. ‘Basically shoved me out the door’ was literal. Do I go back??
***
This page has really gone feral the last couple of months so I’m just gonna bite the bullet and say it:
Anyone notice that Fell’s snake and Fell’s partner are never in the same room together?
***
I really don’t like the implications of this…
***
This is precisely why the Internet has turned into a cesspool. You all should be ashamed of some of the stuff you’re writing here. Can’t two men just be friends anymore? Two real life men? These guys aren’t some characters for you to ‘ship’ or whatever. Quit making outrageous assumptions about their sexualities and use this website for what it’s actually for: reviewing the bookshop. Honestly I’m so sick of this sort of this shit.
***
Dude. They run a queer-focused shop together with a flat on the second floor. Fell calls the guy ‘Dear’ and he’s always calling him ‘Angel.’ People have literally seen them kissing. If you want I can give you the number of my physician. He might be able to help you pull your head out of your ass.
***
What the hell is your problem? I’m literally just reminding people to stop making assumptions. It’s gross and insulting. These guys check their Yelp page. You really think they’re gonna be okay with this stuff?
Also: I’m not the five-year-old relying on insults, so.
***
Making an account purely to set the record straight: I’m the hot twink in question and I married that angel. Peace
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alison-anonymous · 3 years
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Dicentra Scene Concepts
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TAGLIST: @chocolatecaramelcappuccino001
For those of you who have no clue what Dicentra is, it's a multi-book series that I plan on creating inspired by Seraph of the End ;) Check out my page to get more info on it, but I've been working on my plot line and concept work for my main arcs and I wanted to release some rough relationship concept ideas I had to gauge reactions.
Let me know what you guys think and if you'd be interested in reading something pertaining to this! Keep in mind, this series is INSPIRED by Seraph of the End meaning that the characters might not be the same as you know them to be.
Character Key:
Mikaela - Mikaela ;)
Amaris - Yuuichiro (the equivalent of Yuu-chan in this series is "Mari", everyone else calls Amaris "Ari")
Epic - new character that isn't in the series
Vitaly - Lacus (he's in love with Epic in this series and he is fucking confused as to what feelings are)
ENJOY!
🤍🤍🤍
Scene 1 - Epic confronts Vitaly (Lacus) on his feelings for her.
“What do you want from me?”
It comes out in a whisper, the pain and exhaustion evident in Vitaly’s tone that Epic realizes she never once registered.
Her heart heaves.
“Let me ask you one thing. Please, Vita. Just one thing and I’ll leave it alone. We’re friends, aren’t we?” She swears, trying to ignore how her chest aches with each word leaving her mouth.
How the hell did it get to this point?
The purple-haired man before her sucks in a deep breath, but refuses to meet her eyes.
“I can’t promise you an answer.”
Epic bit down hard on her lip, studying him closely. Seeing him so serious, so pained and fearful… It's unnerving.
“Just let me try.”
She calmly waits for his response, and when he finally gives her a small nod, she begins to collect her thoughts silently. Glancing down at his hands gently resting on her waist, she can’t help but silently admire how close he’s allowed himself to stand with her as they slowly dance along the floor. Despite their heavy conversation, to anyone else, they would just seem like a couple enjoying their night.
I wonder if he’ll hold me like this again…
“What do you feel for me right now?”
“I can’t answer that.” Vitaly speaks immediately, like the very mention of his feelings centering her is a confidential subject that no one but himself is allowed access to.
It takes every fiber of her self control to fight down a whimper.
Scene 2 - Mika believes Ari loves Shinoa, so he tries to distance himself by being with other girls
“I’m your family, aren't I? So you don’t need them! I should be the only one in your life! Why would you want them when you have me? Am I… am I not good enough?”
“Mari,” Mikaela starts softly, his heart cracking from the look in the raven’s eyes alone. “I don’t think you understand… It’s different. I can’t use you like I use them.”
I can’t use your emotions as a toy…
“I don’t care what it is!” Amaris sobs, squeezing his eyes shut. His fists tremble by his sides and for a moment, Mikaela braces himself for a hit. “You can use me for it! I love you, Mika!”
Mikaela freezes.
Time stops.
The world pauses spinning on its axis.
He didn’t just say that… did he?
The blond’s heart thuds painfully against his chest. Amaris rarely ever cries and he usually only does when he’s scared of losing something that means everything to him. So perhaps he does mean it?
No, his shattered mind refuses to believe it… But his self control had already been shattered the moment those three words left his mouth.
“You have no idea what you just asked for.”
Mikaela barely managed to push out the words before his lips met Amaris’s in an explosive fury. They melded together like the blond’s life depended on it. One of his hands pressed Amaris to himself while the other tangled itself in his soft, raven locks. Amaris held stiff as a board, letting out choked sounds as he attempted to pull out of Mikaela’s death grip. Every inch of the blond’s being burned as he finally yanked himself away from the subject of his affections, no longer managing to hold back his tears.
Even after saying all that… Amaris still didn’t kiss back.
“S-See?” Mikaela chokes, placing plenty of distance between his burning throat and the stunned Amaris. “S-So you don’t want something like that from me. J-just leave me alone, Mari.”
Mikaela turns to make his leave when a cold hand suddenly grips his wrist desperately. His eyes grew wide, a chill racing up his spine. He doesn’t even need to ask to know exactly who it belongs to.
But why is he stopping me?
Mikaela wants to jerk his hand away, but he can’t. Fear paralyzes him. He wants to look up and glare at Amaris, curse at him, yell at him, something. But Amaris’s one simple action renders him powerless.
“Mika… please, look at me.” No. “Please. It’s okay. I’m begging you, just look at me.”
I can’t.
Amaris slowly draws his arms around Mikaela, making it clear that he holds no intentions of letting go until his wish is fulfilled. Mikaela closes his eyes in misery, tears dripping uselessly onto the floor beneath their trembling bodies.
I hate myself.
Scene 3 - Epic and Vitaly's first meeting (Essie and Monika are characters to be discovered later on)
“I was right… you’re in here!”
A shocked yelp escapes Epic’s lips as the doors slam open, revealing the lean purple-haired lamia she’s been running from. Epic snarls at him, trying to ignore the way her knees betray her, trembling in the armor from her fright. She glances down at her hands, curling them into fists with the lack of her axe.
You have no weapon, meaning you can’t access Monika. In a fight between brute strength, you stand no chance against him.
You can’t rely on Essie. We have no idea what she’s capable of.
Even if you tried to run, it would be no use. You could try to take his weapon, but you can’t even figure out how to use the damn thing.
So what can you do?
“I found you! So this is where you’ve been hiding.”
The female backs up until her posterior hits the wall, watching the lamia before her closely. She slowly glances around the room, searching frantically for any other means of escape.
“There’s nowhere to run, kitten. I’ve got you cornered.” He practically purrs, enjoying the hopelessness beginning to flit across her orbs. He slowly began to approach Epic, his bow flexing with every movement. A frightened look flashes across her face as she tries to take another step back only to remember she has nowhere else to go. A playful smirk pulls the corners of his lips upward, crimson gaze looking at her trembling form like a cat to a mouse.
“How cute,” he muses. “That’s an adorable expression.”
One of complete, unshuttered fear.
As he advances, Epic steps to the side in an attempt to create some distance, only to stumble and fall onto the mattress beneath her feet. Before she even has a chance to sit back up, the purple-haired lamia slams her wrists back down onto the bed. His knee sinks into the mattress as he hovers above her, face dangerously too close for comfort. Epic’s breath hitches.
This is the first time she’s managed to get a good look at him. She hasn’t ever really paid attention to any of the lamia before, but now…
Glowing crimson orbs with dark lashes adorned his porcelain complexion, lips stretched into an attractive smirk that seemed to be tattooed onto his face. Medium length, vibrant purple hair fell from his head. The stray strands that weren’t secured to the back of scalp framed his cheeks elegantly with one side just a little shorter than the other.
A faint blush rose to her cheeks against her will.
Damn. Why does he have to be so handsome?
“Let go of me, you bastard!” Epic writhed beneath him as a last resort, trying desperately to thrash out of his grip through force. She instantly stopped, however, when he suddenly squeezed her wrists with warning, eliciting a whimper from her throat. His eyes narrow.
“Watch it. I’ll break your wrists.”
His threat silences her. She’s not risking any more injury to her person. She stays quiet, but forces herself to stare directly into his eyes.
If he’s going to kill me, then he’s going to watch me every second of it.
He tsked. “You’re a feisty one, aren’t you? Don’t find too many like you nowadays. No wonder everyone’s so intrigued by you. Aren’t you even going to bother asking my name after making me chase after you all day?” Epic stays silent until he releases a borderline-annoyed sigh. “Ah! You’re no fun! I’m Vitaly.”
Epic’s brows furrow. Vitaly. What a gorgeous name…
For such a horrendous person.
“Vita…” He hears her mumble, repeating the name back. He smiles, but it’s full of nothing but malice.
“Yes, kitten? Well, what’s your name? It’s rather rude if you don’t extend the same courtesy.”
Epic grits her teeth. “Don’t play games with me. You clearly know who I am.”
Vitaly smirks triumphantly. “Ah, there’s that attitude! True, I know who you are. But I’d much rather hear it from you.”
“...Epic.”
“Hm, Epic? Cute name.” Knowing she wouldn’t resist much more, Vitaly releases one of her wrists to gently caress her cheek. Epic flinches in response.
“Oh, come on. Don’t be afraid of me…” He sings, orbs emitting a mischievous glint. “I’m not going to hurt you…”
Epic freezes.
He’s not?
Scene 4 - teasers of Epic and Kerenza (Akane) moments ;)
Fluff...
“My dearest Kerenza!” Epic dramatically bowed before the redhead, holding out her hand. “Would you do me the honor of marrying me?”
A dark blush coated Kerenza’s cheeks, heart thudding rapidly against her chest. A slow smile spread along her lips as she nervously tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear.
She gently placed her hand in Epic’s.
“I’d love to marry you, Epic.”
Now it’s Epic’s turn to blush.
Bittersweet...
“Promise me.”
“Epic-”
“Promise. Me.” Epic slowly turned to face Kerenza, a look of absolute heartbreak written in her irises.
“Please.”
Kerenza pressed her lips into a thin line, before offering the whitenette a soft smile.
"I promise, Epic. We'll get out of here together."
...Well...
Epic tightened her grip on the bleeding girl in her arms, sobbing with each slip of life she felt leave her with every passing second.
“R-Renza, come on, stay with me.” Epic pleaded brokenly.
This has to be a dream.
God, please. PLEASE. Let me wake up. Let us wake up cuddled up together in that rickety attic once more. Let me know those old floorboards and cooking dinner by her side. Let me know fighting for our lives together.
Let me see her smile again.
Through the tears blurring her vision, Epic wasn’t able to see the redhead as she slowly strains her head up to be eye level with the albino.
By the time Epic blinked her tears to roll down her cheeks, all she could see was the loving hazel orbs of her best friend. Using the last threads of strength within her, Kerenza leaned in closer to her.
A sob ripped through Epic’s lungs just before Kerenza’s lips met hers.
Scene 5 - Ari wants Mika to marry him
“Don’t worry, I’ll definitely turn you back into a human, Mika.”
“You make everything sound so easy, but you should be thinking about your future rather than mine, Mari! Unlike me, you and Epic still have one…”
“Of course you have a future,” Amaris counters after a short minute of silence. Mikaela curiously meets his gaze, waiting for him to elaborate.
However, what he says next is something the blond could never have prepared himself for.
“Me.”
“...What?” Mikaela finds his mouth to suddenly be full of cotton, completely caught off guard. Memories of the time Amaris begged the blond to marry him flash through his mind, but that could have been nothing more than a desperate plea to get him to stay. He’s probably already changed his mind…
“Will you marry me, Mika?”
Mikaela’s heart stops.
The question leaves his lips in an uncharacteristically soft voice. Amaris watches closely as Mikaela quickly lifts his head from his chest, looking at him with a beyond surprised expression.
“W-What? Why?!” Is all he can manage to gasp, trying his best to contain the blush clearly adorning his cheeks. Amaris can’t help smiling at his adorable attempts to keep his composure. The proposal’s making him flustered in the cutest way.
“Why not?” He tilts his head to the side in confusion, adoring gaze never once wavering from Mikaela, only making him even more flustered.
“Because i-it’s not something you just randomly ask! When did y-you even think of that idea?”
“Well, before it was when you were threatening to leave me. But I just thought of it now too, and you never gave me your answer.”
Mikaela stares down in complete disbelief at his best friend. Not because of his spontaneity, but because of his absolute sureness. What makes him know for absolute certain that Mikaela is the one?
How can he be so sure that he wants Mikaela instead of someone else?
How can he love a monster?
Regardless, the blond can’t deny his pounding heart, reaching out to Amaris’s. The complete urge he feels to say yes. It’s not like it’s the craziest idea in the world after all, and more importantly…
He would have said yes the first time around.
“I love you, Mika.”
🤍🤍🤍
So... what do you think? ;)
🤍 a.a.
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itzagothamcitysiren · 4 years
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There’s Only Us Left Now
An update two days in a row? Wow, there really is something wrong with me lol. 
I’m feeling slightly better after taking the morning to just take care of myself. I got the haircut that I’ve needed since like before covid started. I got my oil change that needed to be change since June. And I went to Ulta and got a new eye shadow pallete and Old Navy for some flannels.  Now I’m going to eat my Taco Bell and get back into writing this! 
Thanks again to those who are still reading this <3 This chapters a little shorter than what I usually write but I wanted to show stuff from Tim’s POV. 
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I Had a Dream I Was a Vigilante’s Side Kick pt. 4
           Tim Drake was a considerably patient kid as having patience was a requirement in his family. Having strong shoulders was another one as the amount of bullshit his father piled onto them would overwhelm the average fifteen year old. Tim wasn’t the strongest but up until now he was pretty damned sure that he was strong enough to deal with it.
           He ran his hands through his hair again. His back still leaned against his bedroom door that separated him from the living room. The conversation he could hear from the opposing side was going just as badly as the one he had yesterday with Halley Wilson had gone. He closed his eyes when he heard his father’s grunt and the sound of him being hit in the gut.
           Okay, maybe it was going worse.
           Tim wanted to step out and help his father but he wasn’t an idiot. Oswald Cobblepot’s cronies, as thick headed as they were, could easily make Tim regret any stand of rebellion. That was why he banked all his cards into the famed batfamily. They could give him the skills he needed to protect his family from the consequences of his father’s life choices. He would’ve been able to stop this.
           He knew he could’ve simply asked for help but what would they really have done? Batman wasn’t the Batman he once was. Like he had told Halley, he was darker, more brutal as he fought. Tim grew up idolizing the hero and like any kid in Gotham wanted to be the next Robin. But unlike all those other kids Tim was fit for the job.
           Hell he had figured out that Bruce Wayne was Batman. He found out all of their identities. Tim knew how to track them down and where to find them. He’d tailed Halley for weeks without her noticing him. She was supposed to be his ticket in. He failed of course. He knew his chances of actually getting her on his side were slim but he thought he’d get further than he had.  At the time, he was unaware the details but he knew there had to be some big reason for her to quit being Nightshade. He was naïve to think he could get her back into the game with him tagging along.
           “He died because of the Joker.” Halley’s words echoed in his head as he heard his father let out another grunt. Tim knew that there was a risk being Batman’s sidekick and he had a hunch that the whole skiing accident story about Jason Todd was in fact just a story and held no real truth.
           Tim pulled away from the door quiet as to not alert the goons invading his house that he was home. His dad was a screw up that much Tim knew but like Tim he wasn’t an idiot. He made idiotic decisions like taking out a loan with the Penguin that he knew he wouldn’t be able to pay back but he wasn’t stupid. He was just desperate; he was desperate to save his failing business and make a better life for his family. Tim could relate trying to rake through his mind for a solution for his failed attempt yesterday.
           He made his way to his balcony. They only lived on the third floor and the climb down by the fire escape wasn’t that hard. He could go try again. Maybe explain his situation better. Maybe Halley would put the cape and mask back on just to help him take down Penguin? No, she wouldn’t. But if he had to deduce anything he’d be pretty confident in saying that she told the other me members of the batfamily about him knowing their secret. He could use that to go straight to Batman. The taxi ride out to Wayne Manor wasn’t the worst. It was only a little more expansive than boy could afford right now but it could possibly be worth it.
           He rolled his eyes, shaking his head as he looked out at the streets below him. Would it be worth it though? His father got them in too deep with one of the biggest crime bosses of Gotham. Batman would just slap him around a bit and then send him to Arkham in which Cobblepot would just live out his sentence in luxury until he was let out. His family would still be indebted with him and in trouble when he got out. And he would get out; he always got out.
           Tim’s eyes lit with a spark an idea flashing across his mind.  He was either a genius or he was either insane. Beyond insane, he decided to himself before softly rushing back into his room, but extremely genius.
           He stood still hearing the intruders bidding farewell too his father with a demand for him to make sure he can pay up at their next visit. Tim looked down knowing his dad was most likely making his way to the bathroom to lick his wounds before his mother caught home from work. Unlike his mother, Tim wasn’t kept in the dark from his father’s misfortune, having caught his father during another one of his meetings some time ago.
           Once Tim heard the front door be locked and the bathroom door close, he picked up his step and made his way to his desk. He opened up his laptop, logging in and setting himself off to work. His fingers typed furiously, his eyes flickered across the screen and his mind was pushed the farthest it had ever been pushed. Tim was great with computers. So great that he was able to not only use it to track down Halley but when he was first learning how to hack he had been able to award himself a full scholarship to Gotham Academy.
           Tim was smart enough to get in but his guidance counselor never got around to submitting his application in time. You gotta love Gotham’s amazing public school system, Tim huffed, remembering how little the counselor cared about her delay. And it wasn’t like Tim’s parents could really afford to send him themselves right now. Maybe a couple of years ago when his father had just begun stepping into the higher class of Gotham. But that was before he made a couple of bad deals that lead them to where they were now.
           The fifteen year old cracked his knuckles the time passing by quickly as he continued to work. The sun setting and then rising didn’t faze him. He was done by the time he was supposed to be waking up and getting ready for school. He smirked as he closed the laptop knowing his work was done. He had managed to do exactly what Batman failed to do. He finally found a way to take Oswald Cobblepot down for good.
           The smug smile he wore from the moment he closed his laptop to the moment he walked to school and to the moment he sat in the library alone during lunch never faded. He was already the weird, poor, outcasted kid in the school but he didn’t care if the twisted smile he had on helped his case or not. He was happy; he stuck it right where it hurt. Oswald deserved everything Tim did last night.
           He jingled his house keys, a certain pep in his step as he walked down the hallway to his apartment. His book bag slung over his shoulder, the day going by as quick as a breeze. He wanted to tell his dad what he did but he knew that it was a secret he was meant to keep. He hummed to himself as he opened the door to the apartment.
           For the first time since it appeared, the self-righteous look on his face was torn right off.      His eyes scanned around the kitchen, the open dining area shown off as well. His eyes nearly blew out of his skull as he saw the disarray the rooms were in. The side table where they all left their keys and mail was knocked over as if someone was pushed into it in some sort of scuffle. The dining room table was top side as well one of the chair broken and tossed off to the side.
           He felt his heart stop quietly closing the door behind him and ignoring every instinct to run away. He could hear soft sobs. They sounded like his mother. Oh no, he thought dreadfully. There was no way Cobblepot knew it was him. There was no way. Tim used every form of protection he had. He used firewall after firewall, decoy vpn after decoy vpn. Tim was so sure he was careful. And if he knew how did he find out so quickly?
           “Mom?” he called out, his voice shaking. On his way to the living room, where the sound of her cries were coming from, he stopped in the kitchen and grabbed the first thing he could find. It was a frying pan but it would do. “Mom.” He called out again stepping over one of the chairs on the floor.
           “Mom!” He called out when he got sight of her. She sat on the couch, her head in her hands and shoulders shaking. The small living room was just as a mess as the first half of the house. Tim crouched down in front of her, resting a hand on her shoulders. “Are you okay? What happened?”
           His mother raised her head, staring at her son with her tear reddened eyes. She choked out a sob before launching herself at him and pulling him into a tight embrace. Her words were hard to understand as she began to talk, but Tim knew what happened.
           “They took your father! They wouldn’t tell me why! I don’t even know who they are. They just came in and did this,” She cried, releasing her son and motioned to the apartment. “They said if I called the cops they’d kill him. I don’t know what to do.”
           Tim bit his lip knowing exactly what happened and who they were. He stood up heading out of the living room and to his room. His mother followed him still obviously shaken and didn’t know what her son was up too or why he looked so unsurprised. Tim took a quick peek at his desk. His fear was confirmed when he saw that it was missing. He cursed to himself. His mother always said Tim and his father were two peas in a pod but he never believed it until now.
           “Mom,” he said placing both hands on her shoulder.  “You need to get out of the city. Go to Gram’s house. I know who can help us but it’s not safe for you.”
           “Excuse you?” the woman exclaimed, putting her hands on her hips. “What are you talking about? No, what I’m going to do is go to the police. It’s what I should’ve done.” She sniffled, wiping her face and moving to head to the phone in the kitchen.
           Tim beat her too it, snatching it out of her hands and smashing it onto the floor and stomping on it. He rubbed his foot in it and looked up at her apologetically.
           “Timothy!” She cried out.
           “I’m sorry but don’t call them. They’re serious. They’ll kill Dad.” Tim explained as he began to back away. “Go to Gram’s.” He repeated before making a dash to the front door and bolting out of the apartment before his mother could stop him.
           He ignored her screaming after him and raced out and onto the streets of Gotham. He pushed past people, shouting out apologies. His breath was heavy as he ran making his way in desperation to Gotham University.
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of-a-chaotic-mind · 4 years
Text
Not The Same
Summary: The reader watches the love of her life, Dean, die to the hellhound. Upon Dean’s return, he finds his girl is not the same anymore. She’s a little more broken and a little more tarnished.
TW/CW: Mentions of attempted suicide, plenty of swearing, ANGST, death, Just please read at your own risk because this is probably my most risky imagine yet, Dean x Bobby’s Daughter!Reader
A/N: So, I finished Season 3 last night and this sprang forth into my mind. I hope you enjoy. It’s a little darker than normal but I’ve been in a little darker of a mood lately. If any of you EVER need someone to talk to, I’m always here. My DMs and Asks are always open.
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Your POV
    I struggled against Lilith’s invisible hold as I watched her return to the door. The wide-eyed, psychotic look on her face gave me chills as I found the courage to speak, “Wow, you really are one sick, twisted bitch.”
    She chuckled, “Aw what a cute one-liner. It sounds just like something Dean would say, too bad he won’t be around to give you more.” With this, she opens the door, “Sick ‘em boy.” Sam and Dean’s screams are drowned out by my own as I watch the love of my life being ripped to shreds before me. Soon a bright light emanates from Ruby’s body and she suddenly regains control of her vessel. As she begs Sam not to kill her and he does anyway, I drop to my knees beside Dean.  
    His green eyes stare blankly at the ceiling. As Sam drops beside me and tries to wake Dean up, tears begin flooding down my face. I take a deep breath in and without even thinking, release it in an earsplitting scream. I curl into a ball on the floor as the sobs begin to wreck my body.
4 Months Later
Dean’s POV
    I finally make it to Bobby’s house and inside I find Sam and Bobby pouring over the old, dusty books. As they notice my entry, I am soon engulfed in hugs. The only question either of them can come up with is, “What the hell?”
    My only question is, “Where is (Y/n)?”  
    The sadness on Sam’s face hits me hard as he answers, “We haven’t seen or heard from her since you left.” I hold my breath in hopes that he is only pulling my leg but the seriousness in their faces gives me no such luck.
    “What do you mean, you haven’t heard from her?” I ask as I try to keep calm.
    “She left in the middle of the night. All the note said was not to follow her,” Sam mumbles as he rubs his neck.
    “So, you just didn’t go after her?! She could end up dead off on her own!” I snap.
    “Of course, he went after her, damn it! She shot him in the shoulder for it. We left her alone after that but just because we haven’t heard from or seen her doesn’t mean I don’t keep tabs on her. She’s my daughter for crying out loud,” Bobby responds, exasperated. “Every one of my contacts know to let me know when they hear of or cross paths with her. The last time anyone has seen her was three weeks ago in Colorado.”
    “So, let’s go find her then,” I command as I get up to leave.
    “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Dean. Everyone says she isn’t the same girl she used to be. They say she’s gotten reckless, ruthless, and downright mean. She’s not the girl you left behind. She’s been bound and determined to hunt down every single demon topside and send them back to hell. That changes a person.” Bobby says with a hint of sorrow evident in his tone.
    “I’m going after her. I’ll track her down myself if I have to. I can’t lose her again. If you two want to come then you’re welcome to. Otherwise, stay out of my way.” I say as I straighten my jacket and turn to leave. By the time I make it out to my car, Sam and Bobby are leaving the house and coming after me with bags packed.
A Few Days Later
Your POV
    I finish cleaning my salt shotgun and set it down to start on my buckshot shotgun. I pick the firearm up and open the barrel. As I wipe the inside of the barrel out with the cleaning tool, I hear the porch outside my door creak. I quietly set the shotgun down on the table in front of me and pick up the loaded pistol laying on the bed beside me. I cock it back and as the doorknob begins to turn, I state firmly, “You walk through that door and I’ll put a bullet in your skull.”
    Unexpectedly, the voice from the other side says, “Come on, Baby. Don’t be like that.” I lower my gun the slightest bit as Dean steps through the doorway. Keeping my gun trained on him with one hand, I pick up my flask of holy water with the other. I use my teeth to take the cap off before splashing a bit onto Dean. The lack of sizzle prompts me to put my gun away. I sit back down on the bed and go back to cleaning my weapons.  
    Dean takes a seat beside me, “Do you want to tell me what that was about? While you’re at it I’d like to know why you look like you haven’t slept in a week.”
    “I finally gave up on sleeping two nights ago. They were all the same and I was sick of seeing them,” I respond curtly.
    “You didn’t answer my first question,” he says, not missing a beat.
    “Like I said, the nightmares were all the same. I would wake up in some room, usually the one I was staying in, and you’d walk into the room. I would jump for joy and excitedly run towards you but your eyes would flash black and instead of holding me tight, you’d throw me across the room. Fighting would ensue and eventually, I would wake up screaming.” I say without making eye contact.
    Dean stands and walks over to the door to motion someone in. As they step inside, I find that it is my dad and Sam. I keep my focus trained on the guns in front of me as dad speaks up, “Well, I don’t know what I expected but this certainly ain’t it.”
    “I know right. I was hoping for a great big, ‘Baby, I missed you. I’m so glad you’re back’ hug,” Dean agrees humorously.
    At this, I slowly raise my gaze towards Dean with the deadliest glare that I can muster up. As he watches me, shocked at my expression, I ask, “Do you know the hell that I’ve been through? I think I’ve lost count of the times that I’ve stuck the barrel of a gun in my mouth and almost pulled the trigger.” I spit, standing abruptly to walk away from the men towards the back of the room. I whip back around to face them, the anger and pain evident on my face, “The only reason I’m hunting the black-eyed, sons-of-bitches is in hopes that at some point one of them will get the upper hand and put me out of my misery so that I don’t have to do it myself.”
    I turn away, unable to take the looks on their faces. After a moment of silence, I speak once more, “Just go the hell away and leave me to my demons.”
    Dean steps forward and places a hand on my shoulder, “Baby, I-I am so sorry.”
    I whirl around and throw a punch into his jaw. Dad and Sam move out of the room as Dean and I begin fighting. Dean fighting to pin me down and me fighting simply to let out the anger and pain pent up inside of me. Within time, he crosses my guard and manages to pin me down onto the bed. I struggle to get free but even after all the fighting I’ve done lately, he’s still stronger than me. Finally, I give up and simply turn my head to look away from him.
    He lays his head on my jaw lightly and whispers, “Baby, do you really think that I wanted to leave you? You meant the world to me and you still do. Please… just give me another chance. Let me make it all up to you. I-I need you.”
    I take a deep breath and release it slowly. The regret, sorrow, and pain evident in his voice tugs my attention back to him. As I turn my head, he lifts his back up. Seeing his beautiful, green eyes again jerks tears forth from my eyes. The last time I saw those eyes they were staring blankly up at the ceiling. Now, they are so full of emotion that it’s almost overwhelming. The creases etched across various parts of his face show the weariness he must feel.  
    The man before me is so different than the one I remember. This man is broken and fragile. So am I. As he slowly releases my arms to stand, I join him and bury myself into his chest as the tears begin to flow. He rubs circles on my back to soothe me as I hear dad and Sam step back into the room. I look up at Dean and find him crying as well. “I missed you so much,” I say as I drop my guard completely.
    He hugs me tighter as he whispers, “I missed you too, Baby. More than you’ll ever know.”
Masterlists 
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tnystrk-exe · 5 years
Text
Learning to Live
Reckless and Impulsive
Baby Steps
Home
Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5
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There was blood. Sky full of the aliens that had attacked before. The buildings all around him were destroyed. People were scattered on the floor. Strangers. Dead. A broken scream broke the silence. He rushed forward to sound. It broke his heart to hear that sound. He had to help. There couldn’t be anymore death today.
He saw a woman crying, slumped on the floor beside a small figure. “YN? YN!” Tony came to a stop beside you, crouching down to get a better look.
“You did this! You could have saved her! You didn’t do enough! You got Ro killed!” You sobbed through your accusations.
Ro’s figure was mangled beyond recognition. If it hadn’t been for you naming her. His stomach churned. What happened to his happy little girl? Where had he been when she needed him?
Ro’s head lolled limply toward him. Her eyes open, but they were clouded over. There wasn’t any life behind them. “Why did you let them hurt me daddy? Why did you let me die?”
Tony’s eyes snapped open, panting. He couldn’t catch his breath. Looking around, he took in his surroundings. It was just the lab. The last thing he remembered was working on his suits. The Iron Legion was growing quickly. Every idea that popped into his head installed and improved as he went down the line. It was obsessive work, but he needed to know when the time came the two of you were safe.
“It’s just a dream,” he repeated to himself quietly. Trying, failing, to calm himself down. “Come on. Everything’s okay.” These nightmares were getting out of hand.
When he calmed down just enough, he went up stairs. There was still a need to check. See that Ro was okay and safe in her bed. He wasn’t sure he’d calm back down completely until he saw her.
Opening the door carefully, he gave her a look over. Yeah. There she was safe in bed. He must have woken her, because she was rubbing at her eyes sleepily. “Daddy?”
“Sorry, Rugrat, I didn’t mean to wake you up.”
“S’okay. Is your room scary because mommy’s gone?”
“Something like that,” he admitted.
Ro pulled back her blanket and patted her bed. Something the two of you had done for her countless times. “Can keep you safe.”
Tony chuckled, but still accepted her offer. “I’m supposed to keep you safe.”
Ro moved to cuddle up against her father. Her small finger tapping on the arc reactor. The pretty blue light always captivated her when it was up close. “You do, but I can too!” She insisted, “I love you, daddy.”
“I love you, too, sweetheart.” Tony pressed a kiss to the top of her hair. “You should go back to sleep. There’s school in the morning.”
“I wanna stay home with you,” she pouted up at him. “We can have pancakes for breakfast and then we can fix one of the cars!”
“That’s...that’s pretty hard to pass up isn’t it?” The faintest memories of Howard chewing him out for a similar suggestion and the dream were working in Ro’s favor. “I think we can do that,” he agreed.
“Yeah!” She said excitedly. “Can we wear our mechanic clothes too?” Ro had read a picture book with mechanics in it and soon after begged for shirts for the next time Tony and her worked together.
“Sure thing, but it’s still pretty early for you right now. Catch a few more Z’s and we’ll talk more in the morning.”
“Okay.” Ro pulled the covers over Tony and grabbed Tony Bear to sleep on his chest. “Daddy? How come you and Tony Bear have the same name?”
“I gave him to your mom when she graduated high school. She was going to go to another school and said she’d name him after me. So that she can have me around.”
Ro smiled, “I like having you around.”
“Is that so?”
“I think you’re nice.”
“Thanks. I think you’re nice too. Now stop stalling and go to sleep.”
Ro finally calmed back down enough to fall back asleep. Her hand laid flat on his arc reactor.
Tony let out a breath. The fear left, but he couldn’t go back to sleep. Those horrible dreams had been happening more and more frequently. He was running on a handful of hours for days. You didn’t know. Every night you and Ro slept over, he’d follow you into bed. Then he’d leave and go back to his lab until you woke up. A simple lie of “I’ve only been up an hour” was enough to convince you. The nights the two of you stayed home, there wasn’t any reason to keep up a lie.
Carefully, he slipped out from under Ro. She could have about three more hours before she was up for the day. He’d just need to call her school and tell them she woke up feverish so they wouldn’t contact you. Mostly he just hoped you wouldn’t mind. The kid just had him wrapped around her little fingers.
He stopped in the kitchen and started up the coffee machine. Tony was tired beyond belief but he needed to know if something happened he could keep the two of you safe. The idea of it was literally keeping him up at night. He wanted to sleep but the flashbacks and seeing you and Ro dead in so many different ways had no appeal to him. At least awake his mind wouldn’t torment him.
What he saw up there, this little marble of a planet needed to start growing its defenses. They fought an army with six people. Essentially telling who knows how many things bring it on, we can take you. He needed to help everyone get ready. Who knows what the result would be otherwise.
The idea was already growing in his head. Something good to protect the world. Like J.A.R.V.I.S. but on a bigger scale. A protector for everyone. The world was just too vulnerable without having a middleman in between us and them. He’d talk to Bruce about it. They could bounce ideas back and forward to find a solution.
“Sir, I’m worried about your sleeping levels. If you keep going you’re going to crash.”
“I know, Jar. I can sleep later.”
“Surely another suit can wait. The Iron Legion already has Mark 24 added in recently.”
Tony grabbed a mug and poured his coffee, “Don’t tell me you’re jealous of all your badass bouncing baby brothers.”
“Merely concerned about you, sir.”
“I’m good. Always. Now let’s get back to work. I’m thinking we should build a big guy next. Someone a bit more heavy duty than the other guys. Pull up a base for me and we’ll work from there.”
“Yes, sir.”
Tony started working. Mark 25 would be the start of construction lineup. A thicker armor would be able to take more blows, and with stand more heat and electricity. Mark 6 had held up well against Thor but just because something worked didn’t mean it could forgo updating. Before he knew it, Ro’s alarm clock was going off. He should go up and get her ready for school. Wait, no, he had told her she could stay home.
“J, shut it off, please.” He stood up, his back popping as he stretched. Damn he was getting old. Opening up a drawer her pulled out Ro’s mechanic clothes. The shirt, a part of expendable jeans, and some black Doc Martens she had begged for she wanted to look exactly like her dad. He buttoned up his own shirt and pulled on his work boots, an old pair of Docs from his teenage years, before going for Ro.
“Come on sweetheart, time to wake up for the day,” he said, gently shaking her shoulder.
Ro pouted pulling her blanket up over her face. “But daddy, my bed is comfy.”
“I thought you wanted pancakes and to fix up a car today. Look I’m even dressed for it already.”
She poked her head out, looking over at Tony, “Can we go to the store and buy snacks too?”
“Only if you eat all of your pancakes and you have to get up right now.”
She held up a finger at him, asking for one second while she stretched. “Okay, I’m ready.”
“You know the drill. Bathroom, brush your teeth, and wash your face.”
“Yes, daddy.” Ro got out of bed. Her hair was tangled from sleep and her Captain America pj bottoms were rolled up to her knees, but she was still, without a doubt, the cutest kid he had ever seen. She went to do her own thing before calling out for him a few minutes later. “Daddy, need you to brush my hair.”
“Let’s get you changed first, then the hair.” Out of her Cap pajamas and into a fresh, if not permanently stained, pair of clothes. They took a couple minutes to teach Ro how to tie her shoes. Usually she was so quick to pick things up, but shoelaces? No dice. “Okay Rugrat, stop getting frustrated and let me see. Look, bunny ears, around the tree, inside the hole, and pull.”
“I told you I couldn’t do it!”
“You’ll learn kiddo. If you don’t dad’ll just buy you all of the velcro shoes.” He got up from his knee, “Now, how about we put this mop up? I don’t think your mom will forgive me if you soak your hair in motor oil again.” Tony put her hair into braids keeping it as close and away from everything as he could.
“Daddy, I’m hungry,” Ro whined.
“Just give me a few more minutes.” After a few minutes he finished off the braid and tied it up. He picked her up and sat her on his hip. How was she getting so big so fast? “So, what kind of pancakes are we talking Mini Me?”
“I want Mickey Mouse shape and chocolate chip!”
“What do you say?”
“Please!”
Tony sat her on the counter in the kitchen and got to work, giving her a small handful of chocolate chips to keep her from whining about waiting. “Did you and grandpa have lazy days?” She asked.
“Hmm?” Tony asked being pulled back from his thoughts, “No. Not really. Howard didn’t believe in lazy days.”
“How come Howard?” She wondered why her dad always called grandpa his name, “Do I call you Tony?”
He made a face at that, it was odd hearing her call him by name. “Nope. Never. You stick with calling me dad. I like being someone’s dad.”
“Grandpa didn’t like being someone’s dad?”
“How about we put this conversation on hold until you’re bigger?”
“Okay,” she agreed as she usually would when he didn’t want to talk. It was an obvious sign since her father was a chatterbox. She knew not to talk about fighting aliens, he always got a little bit scared. “Love?” She asked opening up her arms for him.
He smiled and went over to give her a hug. Ro pressed kisses onto both of his cheeks. “Thank you sweetheart. What I’d do to get so lucky to have you?”
She shrugged, “Magic?”
“Definitely.” He went back to the pancakes, catching them before they could burn. Plating the two pancakes he looked at her. “How are we going to top these?”
“Sprinkles and whipped cream!”
“Because there wasn’t enough sugar?”
“Need something to keep me so sweet,” she said like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
Tony laughed loudly, some of him was more than present in her personality. “Whatever you say princess.”
The two of them talked over breakfast. Agreeing that it would be better to go to Ro and your favorite bakery before getting dirty in the garage. Ro made him eat a couple bites of her pancakes, eager to leave. They put up the plates and cleaned up the mess.
“Wait! Wait! Look!” She grabbed his hand and pulled him over to the piano, “I forgot to show you! J, showed me a video of a boy teaching!” Ro pressed the keys shyly, a bit clumsily, but the tune could be made out. Slowed down a bit, but Tony had heard the song enough to know it was the first couple seconds to Thunderstruck.
“Ro, your mom is going to say we hang out too much.”
“The man said to do octagons next, but they’re hard.”
“Octagons? Octaves? Let me see,” he had learned the song partially when Maria gave up on trying to teach him songs she has liked. “So you did that right,” he played the notes, “Next you do this.” He showed her a slowed down version. “Can you do that with me?” She played the beginning again when she got to the hard part Tony helped her by pointing out the keys she needed to hit. “Good job Ro, I’m so proud of you. Ready to go now?”
“Can I drive?”
“Might be a while for that,” he answered, “You can pick the car we take though.”
She sighed, “Fine.”
Ro picked the car and Tony helped her buckle in. The pair sang the songs leaking through the speakers at the top of their lungs. This was something Tony never thought he’d have. That’s why he had to keep the two of you protected. He couldn’t face losing either one of his girls. Especially this one singing about being on the highway to heck.
They got to the shop but had to park a couple streets down. Apparently the shops on that street were having a good business day. Tony though briefly about putting on a pair of sunglasses and cap to make things quick. Looking down at his shirt that wasn’t possible, given the Stark Industries logo on one side and his name on the other. He and Ro walked hand in hand, her skipping along next to him.
“Daddy, when we walk back can I ride your shoulders?”
“Sure thing tyke. What are you gonna get at the store?”
“Um, a brownie, some cookies, and chocolate milk!”
“Delicious. Remember we need to get mom’s favorite too. Can’t leave her out can we?”
“Are we going to sleep at the big house or home?”
She looked like that was a big decision. “You and J.A.R.V.I.S. are in the big house but Dominic lives closer to home. I like seeing all of you.”
He chuckled, “We’ll see if we can have a sleepover soon, yeah? Miss seeing your best friend?”
“Yeah. His mommy is a little bit mean, but his daddy and Rosie are nice too. It’s fun.”
“His mom is mean?”
“Yeah. She said mommy wasn’t with you for anything good. I only know it was mean because Dominic’s daddy told her to stop talking like that in front of the kids and it wasn’t her business.”
“You catch on to things pretty quickly, huh? I think sleepovers will be over at ours now.” Dominic’s mother was the type to believe everything in the papers. Ro didn’t need to hear what she thought about you.
“She said mom went a gold digging. Can we go gold digging too?”
So no more visits unless you or Tony were around. “Your mom has never gone gold digging. Just don’t listen to anything people say about us okay? They don’t know what’s going on with us. Our family is like the popular kids,” he tried to explain to her, “Sometimes people like to act like they know what’s happening.”
“So gold digging is something mean?”
“Very mean,” he answered. Tony noticed a man with a camera almost tripping over himself to get a closer look at the pair. Picking Ro up, he walked a bit faster. No way did he wanna deal with them too.
“Hey Iron Man! Hi kid!” Ro waved shyly, opting to hide her face against Tony’s neck. “So you moved on quickly after nearly dying.”
Ro pulled back to look at Tony, “You almost died daddy?”
He noticed the tears welling in her eyes, “It’s okay baby.” Tony patted her back to comfort her some, ignoring the man railing them. “We’re gonna pick up some sweets, cheer up.”
“So she calls you dad? Oh and matching for the day too?” The man snapped a couple pictures. “How do you think Potts will take to your sudden roll as a step father? You and that doctor lady really moved quick. Give us an exclusive what did you see up there?”
God this man was getting on his last nerve. Maybe he should have asked Happy to pick up the snacks instead.
“Wait,” The sleaze laughed, “Didn’t you deny a kid a while ago? Is she that one?”
“Listen, I’m trying to set a good example. But if you don’t stop fucking around with us I wont hesitate to lay you out.” All of it was getting far too personal and Ro was too smart not to try to connect the dots or ask questions. “We both know I make good on what I say.”
“Chill out. They’re just harmless questions.” Despite his protest the man started to lag behind, though the clicks of a photograph being taken could still be heard. A buck is a buck right?
Tony walked into the store and set Ro down on the floor. “What does he mean step dad?” Ro said looking at him confused. She knew kids with step dads at school. Some kids had a dad and a step dad. Others just had one or neither. They had learned family dynamics at school, some time soon they’d get to build a family tree.
“It’s nothing sweetheart. I’m telling you, people like that talk just to talk. How about we grab you an ice cream cone that you can eat in the car?” He said trying to distract her. Maybe selfishly he didn’t want to face those questions yet. The time would happen but he didn’t want it to be so soon. Then again a longer wait and it could be horrible too. “You really like the s’mores one right?”
“Yeah.”
Tony ordered the things. Ro sat at a table while she waited, the man outside was still waiting too take more pictures. That wasn’t weird people always wanted pictures of her daddy. Sometimes the pictures would be on magazines and she’s get to look at them while you bought groceries. There were even some of the nicer pictures cut out and placed into the photo albums. So that felt pretty normal. Still she didn’t like the questions he asked or that the man said her dad almost died. How does someone almost die? The man really did make him angry because he hardly ever said bad words in front of her unless he accidentally hurt himself.
“Ready Rugrat? I promised you could ride on my shoulders didn’t I?” Tony walked back to her a bag of snacks in one hand and her ice cream in the other.
She looked up, diverted from her thoughts easily enough, “Yeah!”
Tony set the bag down on the table and handed her over the cone. “Three! Two! One! Blast off!”
Ro exploded into a fit of laughter as her father made a show to put her onto his shoulders. Tony grabbed the bag and headed out, a death glare on his face when he noticed the paparazzi still waiting for them. He went toward the car angry beyond belief, all he wanted was a nice day with his kid. Was that too much to ask for? He got wrapped up in his thoughts until he heard Ro’s loud gasp and felt the cold ice cream hit the top of his head. The little girl pushed the wad of ice cream off of his head and onto the cement.
“I’m sorry daddy!” She said, using her napkin to wipe off the mess. Effectively forgetting the mess that was dripping off of her hand onto his head.
“It’s a bit of a mess up there Rugrat?” He asked reaching up for the ice cream cone. A hand on her knee made sure she was balanced, while he poured out the drippings before handing the cone back. “You think it works like shampoo?”
“No. That’s silly! It’s too sticky! The marshmallows won’t come out. Your hair looks white now. It looks the same like these,” she said, patting his temple where grays were sprouting. “You’re very old now daddy.”
Tony finally reached the car. “I think we’re going to hang out here until you finish that.” He pulled her off of his shoulders and sat her on the roof of the car. Opening the trunk, Tony gabbed Ro’s care bag. Each car had one, he was admittedly too lazy to move around one bag every time they got into a different car.
Ro sang a song to herself, her feet bumping the windows as she ate. Tony tried to fix the mess she had made in his hair with the wet wipes little success. At least he could get rid of the sticky feeling of the chocolate ice cream that had dried on his neck.
“That looks like mommy’s car,” Ro said, pointing at the new car Tony had gifted you. The hospital was close so it wouldn’t be that much of a surprise to see you around.
The car parked a bit further down, you stepped out. “I would have grabbed you a drink if I knew you’d have lunch so soon,” Tony said, when you were close enough in range.
“Hey, honey,” you greeted picking Ro up off the roof, kissing her cheek, “You’re supposed to be at school.”
“I know, but I wanted to be with daddy today,” Ro answered sheepishly.
Tony leaned over for a kiss. You sighed, relaxing into the kiss. An emergency came up at 10 last night and you were still scheduled to work until 5.
“You look dead on your feet baby.”
You looked over and noticed a man taking photographs excitedly. “Feeling it. If I play my cards right, I just might be able to sneak a nap in. Do you think he got any good shots?” Grabbing the wipes, you cleaned off Ro. The kid was smeared in chocolate and marshmallow.
“As annoying as he’s been? I’d hope there’s at least one good picture.”
You were about to talk, but your pager went off. A quick glance, you read the message. “Scratch the nap. I’ll see you two later.”
“Wait mommy!” Ro tried to reach for the bags in Tony’s hand. He found the bag that was yours and gave it to Ro. “We got you something!”
“Thanks, Love, you’re a life saver.” You gave Ro a last kiss before leaving her with Tony.
“Mommy’s upset I stayed home?”
“She’s more upset with me. You’re a smart kid and school isn’t a problem for you. But if you stay home too much, they’ll probably make you take first grade again. I think we can’t miss school anymore unless your sick.”
“Yes, sir.”
The pair drove back home and Ro went straight for the kid sized tool kit J.A.R.V.I.S. had ordered so long ago. “Vis, can you turn on the music? The bands daddy likes but only the good songs.”
He grabbed his own and they set to work on the car. Ro already claimed it as her own for when she was bigger. That was fine the old red Plymouth could be hers. They weren’t exactly strapped for options. It was almost ready to be driven. Each day Ro slipped school they worked on the car. Tony would explain in ways easy for her to understand and let her try to figure out what they should do next. Sometimes she’s hit the nail on its head other times she’d be off a bit. Still she was an eager learner. He’d have to buy another car to work on soon. Ro had a real talent for this kind of thing.
“I think we should be done.” Tony said, getting out from under the hood.
Ro was still leaned over, looking around, “Think it’ll turn on?” She jumped down from the small step stool she’d used.
“There’s only one way to check isn’t there? Move the step out of the way.” He closed the hood. Getting in the driver’s seat he patted his lap, “C’mon. You get the honors. This is your baby after all.”
Ro went to sit on his lap and grabbed the keys from Tony. “What if it doesn’t work?”
“Things don’t always work the first time. We’ll just figure out what’s up and fix it. Now, come on, the suspense is killing me.”
She pushed the key into the ignition and turned it carefully. “Oh come on!” She said when all the car gave was a mere click click in response.
“Give it another try. Just double check.”
Ro sighed but gave it another go. The car came to live with a pleasing purr. “Daddy, it works!”
Tony’s mind went to Howard and he briefly wondered if that was how he felt when Tony had started tinkering. Probably now. He hated that his mind always went back to Howard. “We always need a test drive. Put your hand in the steering wheel right here.” Tony grabbed her hands and positioned them.
“You’re going to let me drive!” She shrieked in excitement.
He pressed the gas, revving the engine. “Gotta learn sometime.” The car rode at 10, Tony’s hand firm on the bottom of the steering wheel. He drove down the path and into the closed circuit.
“Dad faster this is super slow!” Tony thought about it. There wouldn’t be any problems. So he brought the car to 80. Ro carried on ‘steering’ while he made sure the car didn’t waver too much. “My car is so cool! Can I name it? Your names are boring Stark 1, 2, 3, blah blah blah. Boring.”
“My naming system is fine. What’s this car’s name then?”
“Hmm,” she thought, “What about.....Ruby? Ruby is a pretty name.”
“Ruby she is, beautiful name. Now, let’s go back home. We played around all day, you should hit the books a bit.”
“Aw, daddy,” she whined, “That’s no fun at all.”
“Let’s just go through your words a couple of times. Then you can play all you want.”
They headed back up to the mansion. He made Ro take a shower, hoping it would make the following endeavor easier. It didn’t. A tantrum over how frustrating practice words were and yelling about math work. She hated paper work with an unmatched passion. Hands on work was more her speed, frankly he didn’t blame her. Then she was free and ran away from the table as soon as she could.
Tony sighed, grabbing her work and putting it into her backpack. Running a hand through his hair, he was reminded of the ice cream Ro had dropped into his hair. He had to sort himself out before he could go back to tinkering solo.
You got home earlier than expected. Setting the pizza down on the counter. You did a quick check up on Ro, she must have had a fun day, because she was fast asleep on her bed.
Silently you thanked whatever force lined it up perfectly for you to get some rest.
Walking over to yours and Tony’s room you were greeted with a very lovely view. Tony was pulling on a Metallica shirt, his jeans loose on his hips, leaving the toned muscles on display.
“See something you like cupcake?” He asked, catching your eye through the mirror.
“A couple of things.” You winked at him, unashamed of being caught. “How can’t I when my guy looks like that?”
“I’m more than just a piece of meat, YN. Though, I wouldn’t object to slipping in a couple minutes with you.”
You laughed softly, going to lay down on the bed. The softness of it making you relax instantly. “Don’t think that’s in the cards today, love. You can come here with me a couple of minutes though.” Tony was more than happy to accept the offer. There always was a soft weakness when you called him Love. You leaned over and gave him a tender kiss. “Hey.”
“Hi baby,” he smiled. He rested his head against your shoulder, finally realizing just how tired he was.  “How was your day?”
“Fine, fine. I still need to go home and pick up somethings. Didn’t pack enough things in the suitcase.”
“Fuck the suitcase. Just move in,” he stated simply.
“Isn’t that kinda fast? It’s only been we’ve only been together four months.”
“Honey, we’ve went slow with this for so long. I don’t need anymore time to know you’re it for me. Why go through the normal motions just to reach the same answer?  We basically already live together. We’re just jumping between houses every other week. Just think about it, please? It would be easier.” It would be especially easier to protect his family if they were all under the same roof.
“I’ll think about it,” you promised. “How about you? That paparazzi looked like he got under your skin.”
“He kept asked about New York and almost dying, Ro got pretty upset at that but I managed to distract her. Then he asked if she was the kid I said wasn’t mine and how it was like being a step dad.”
“Ah, the touchy subject.” You didn’t blame him. Neither of you were fans of all the headlines about it. There was an attack not to long ago, but who gave a hell if it was people’s personal business that sold the papers.
“I just don’t want her to ask questions....but I’m not going to lie if she asks. Rather not have to ever. Here we are though.”
You traced your thumb along his jaw. “It’s frustrating and she probably will come around asking questions. We’ll burn that bridge when we get to it. Okay? But no matter what happens you’re her dad. We never told her to call you dad, she did that on her own.”
“What if I mess it up, YN? What if she decides it better not to and she goes looking around?”
“Tony, it’s just blood. Alex would never measure up to being as good of a father as you and he wouldn’t have a boost up just because they look similar. When she’s older and someone asks her about her dad, she’s going to think about you. You’re the man that kisses all her cuts, reads her stories, cheers her up, and chases away all the monsters when she has nightmares. Ro is going to be proud to be your daughter.”
Tony managed a struggling smile, “Thanks, YN. It means a lot... You should probably get some shut eye. You’ve taken care of enough people today.”
You moved closer to Tony, getting comfortable. “You should get some rest too.”
“I’ve been getting enough sleep,” he said, wrapping an arm around your shoulders.
“J.A.R.V.I.S. how long has Tony slept this week?”
“Sporadically, he has slept three hours,” The A.I. answered.
Tony scoffed, “Snitch.”
“You’re going to sleep with me.”
“Gladly. All you have to do is look nicely at me.”
You tugged at his hair playfully. “Go to sleep Stark,” you winked at him, “Though, I’m not opposed to talking negotiations if I wake up and you’re still in bed.”
“You always did know how to motivate me.”
Everything Tag:
| @sophiatomlinson23 | @cannonindeez | @memyselfandmaddox | @mendes-holland | @space-helen |
Marvel Tag:
| @asguardiansoftheavengers | @letsgetfuckingsuperwholocked | @lovely-geek | @atomicfandombomb |
Tony Stark Tag:
| @bit-bot0711 | @tonystarkxreader | @mikariell95 | @genzparker |
Learning to Live Tag:
| @editsbyjenny | @vesta-ro |
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autumn-foxfire · 4 years
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Alright well there's no going back. It was 1:47am and I honestly had to stop reading the second Eri said "Like Heaven?" I don't feel such an urge to cry, but listening to sad music made it sadder. So what happened was, in the last few chapters or well the start of the story takes place after the Raid. It follows the theory that Dabi was in the same program as Hawks which isn't my cup of tea, but I read it anyways for the potential good stuff and angst. And boi did it hit hard. (1/9)
I’m going to give everyone mercy and place the readmore at the top XD
And because I really crave fics where the Pros find out about Hawks' situation, although as always its expanded on, but that's fine because angstttt. So the Hpsc Prez is going off about the program to a room full of heroes being fake af, and boom! Takami Keigo name drop 👀 and then all the Pros turn to Hawks like 'oh shit, maybe we seriously mis-judged this kid' like exposition is all talking about how maybe they're starting to think they never even met the real him all these years. (2/9)
Hawks suddenly just became a blank slate to them, they were looking at a mask. And Aizawa tries to talk to him and he's all 'I know right! Always saying I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, but I'm a bit sharper than you think *winks*' quick filler, the whole fic basically has Hawks trying to heal and forming connections with people. Like Mic, Aizawa, Fatgum, and he babysits Eri. Other stuff happens I won't mention or else this ask will get too long. (3/9)
So skipping to what made me sob, the Commission tries to restart the Program because of all the hero casualties in the raid. And they're also planning to use Eri. They got permission since Hawks was a success, because he's the only one excluding Dabi that came out alive. See where I'm going? OKAY MIGHT BE GOOD TO TAG THIS AS 'TW s*icide' not with the asterisk, I'm just censoring here. So in this fic, they've killed the parents to make the kids really unable to leave. (4/9)
And Hawks is having none of that, makes up this plan he keeps repeating in his head and he leaves baskets for everyone. Miruko finds him in his room, hanging from the ceiling. She's crying, Aizawa is desperate, Mic is trying to get him to accept that Keigo is gone. Aizawa goes through the notepad Hawks left and scribbles on the page, it shows a message cause of the indent and there's something about a pattern that Rumi says looks like the painting in his office. (5/9)
So they freeze and book it over there and find a message addressed to them because Hawks be like that. Always up to something. Don't worry, it's a fake body. He called up a favor, like with Jeanist. Now that you know what's going on, THE LAST CHAPTER OH MY GOD FOX!!! AIZAWA IS ANGSTING AT 3AM AND HES SAD HAWKS HAD TO DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT WHILE STILL WATCHING OVER THEM BECAUSE HE WASNT SURE IF THE HPSC WOULD GO BACK ON THEIR WORD AND HES LIKE (6/9)
'if he wasn't unsure, would that body actually have been him??? AND AIZAWA IS HAVING A MENTAL BREAKDOWN ABOUT HOW HE SHOULDVE BEEN FASTER AND DONE MORE AND JUST WANTED TO HELP (held a meeting with the other heroes when Kei was babysitting Eri, same day the hpsc texted him) and god Aizawa stop feeling so bad, I'm gonna cry he's so sad like was Keigo angry? Did he know? Why did Aizawa go behind his back in his last few days, they had a plan, why didn't he just share with him. (7/9)
AND SAD SHIT GETS SADDER WHEN ERI SHOWS UP AND AIZAWA TRIES TO TALK TO HER ABOUT WHEN SOMEONE PASSES AWAY and Eri's all 'someone went to heaven, that's why your sad?' Aizawa is sobbing and getting all choked up and talks about how someone did and they saved so many people, like him, Mic, Shinsou, Eri BECAUSE THE HPSC MIGHT HAVE HURT THEM- and 'Sweetpea, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, but Keigo is gone. He passed away.' (8/9)
THIS IS SO REALISTICALLY EMOTIONAL AND WRITTEN SO GOOD F*CK YOU! And Eri starts crying like precious bean nooo, and Aizawa talks about how Keigo wouldn't have wanted this. He'd want them to order friend chicken to bury him with, continue calling him a pigeon even if he pretended to hate the name, make cats and birds pancakes and then they go do that when Eri says she wants to. And the author was almost about to put in 1A's and Tokoyami's reaction too, I WANT IT GIMMEEE PLS (9/9)
You’re talking about Hawk’s Gets Exposed, right?
I’ve read it, I cried at the suicide even though it was confirmed to have been him faking his death in order to protect Eri. I haven’t read the recent chapters yet because it upset me enough to cause my nightmares to return (I hope this doesn’t make you feel guilty about sending this ask btw!!! It’s totally fine!). The story hit me in a way I didn’t think it would. I took a small break from it but plan to catch up!
Damn it must have hurt Aizawa to tell Eri that he was gone though (and hurt even more not being able to tell her the truth because then it would ruin Hawks sacrifice).
Tokoyami’s reaction is going to break me.
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besosaboraluna · 3 years
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i need to actually start reading what the books i buy are about, and how tf do i manage to always pick ones who have me bawling by the end??
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Thoughts on the Ships in Kingdom of Ash
Ok, I’m writing some thoughts on the Ships in Kingdom of Ash. I’ve jumped onto a few posts, but I feel like I’m probably not being clear because well, I talk to people outside of those posts via different channels and so people aren’t getting the full picture. 
Not that this matters of course, the internet and tumblr is only a snapshot, but I wanted to write some clear thoughts on the Ships and how I am feeling about them before/during/and now two weeks after having finished the book. 1. perspectives change. 2. Reading other peoples thoughts that might enhance our own understanding happens too. **SPOILERS BELOW CUT**
Rowaelin
Before Koa: Yes, I dig it. Empire of Storms was their peak love story! Heir of Fire gave me all the Angst - love and hate, falling in love with the trainer, Queen of Shadows gave me my reunion and happiness to fight the bad guys and Empire of Storms gave me the sexy times. The Ship had sailed. Then Maeve came in Empire of Storms. And I was worried for my ship, but only because I was worried for the individual parts of the whole. What happens if they die! What happens if Aelin isn’t who she was. What happens to them! they deserve a happily ever after. *insert renee crying lots at the end of Empire of Storms* 
During Koa: I was scared. Aelin wasn’t who she was. Rowan was loosing himself in the hunt for her. What was this new thing between Fenrys and her and Rowan was on the outs? What did this mean? Why couldn't she talk? Where was my Aelin!!! Aelin had hardened and I was scared, and Rowan was scared and it made me think - she’s going to die and i’m going to cry. Then Aneille happened and Aelin almost came back. She was as close to the old Aelin as I think was possible given the trauma that she went through. Rowan didn’t care. He would have loved her anyway. Such a pure ship. And then they go on to save the world. Once Aelin had forged the lock, I wasn’t scared for her anymore. I didn’t think she might die, I didn’t think Rowan would either. The lock felt like it was the start of their happy ending. Sure lots of stuff to go on but the ship was good. 
After Koa: Same feelings. I still love Rowaelin. But I got to experience their journey over 4 books! It was satisfying in that they had page time but it didn't detract from the story. So When I’m not enthusiastic about Rowaelin - Its not because I don’t love them, I’ve just been with them a long time. There wasn’t any doubt in my mind that they would be ok. 
Elorcan (aka the ship I wanted to sail more than any other)
Before  Koa: I was scared. I feel so hard into this ship when I read Empire of Storms. And then when I re-read it before KoA I fell harder. I loved Lorcan from the start. A grumpy demi-fae, who is the most powerful, who seems angry, who doesn’t show emotions, who would do anything for his friends. (sure misguided sometimes - but that’s what it boils down to). He came to Rowan’s aid in Heir of Fire. He came for his friend. Not his general. He didn’t have time for Aelin - some mortal girl who people had an interest in. It wasn’t why he came. People who know me - know I have been cheering for Lorcan the past two years. That he’s going to show this side of himself. My morally grey Lorcan. And then Queen of Shadows and Empire of Storms happened. Oh man. Elide, my witch baby standing up for those who cant do it for themselves! She took on Vernon for Kaltain, she is bad-ass! She is the my love just as Lorcan is my love. I’m so torn I love them both. Its a good thing they found each other. Anyway. Elide stands up to him, she fights for herself and others. She protects him and he does the same back. So I love them. Elide threw herself in front of a wolf (Fenrys to save him!) And When Lorcan called for Maeve - my heart sank. Lorcan u big Dummy! I love you but come on! And then the theories started. and I wrote some too. Maybe if I think of the worst possible thing that can happen and put it out into the world it wont happen. Like jinxing the bad stuff. Lorcan “SALVATERRE” savior of lands- does that mean he will sacrifice himself??? Honestly my biggest fear going in. 
During  Koa: Kingdom of Ash was a roller-coaster for my ship. I was so invested in everything they did. I paid way too much attention to their sections than other ships. - honestly I skim read nestaq scenes (who I love). which is bad I know. but elorcan for life apparently.  And Lorcan was being sneaky and trying to help Elide be comfortable (sure more period talk but what ever) because he had been traveling with her for months and months and knew she needed stuff. He shows love by doing. Not always doing the right thing (his decision making skills need work) - but he tries. Elide was a bitch at the start. Just going to say it. Sure she might have been justified, but sometimes you don’t need to voice all the nasty things in your head. And I got mad at her. Then she basically said she wouldn’t care if Lorcan died. And his heart broke and my heart broke and I was upset and probably crying.  AND THEN THE BATTLE OF ANEILLE HAPPENED AND I CRIED!!! AND I SCREAMED AT MY BOOK. Direct quote from my notes: “ P500 - NOT HAPPY! Lorcan!!!! OMG NOT HAPPY! LORCAN JUST DROPPED HIS SHEILDS - fucking egg! Omg ahhh! Crap. Crap crap.”  I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t have dropped his shields if Elide hadn’t said such horrible things to him and he didn’t feel like he needed to die. So I was mad, fucking live you dork. Its just a girl! I ship you two, but if You are both going to be Dorks then I don’t!  So when Elide went to go find him I was like - OMG YES U DO LOVE HIM... direct quote from my notes:  “ I'm crying .... Elide- "I will always find you", running down the stairs... oh it hurts.... please please be ok ....  Ahhh she grabbed chaols horse! A horse for Hellas himself... ahh Lol and then that's explained a couple of pages over Lorcan!!!(517) "Get up" :sobbing emojis: "I promised to always find you. I promised you, and you promised me. I came for you because of it; I am here because of it. I am here for you, do you understand? And if we don't get onto that horse now, we won't stand a chance against that dam. We will die." P 520 :more sobbing emojis: Omg :more sobbing emojis: You have to let me go I love you And I will be with you.... I will be with you always :more sobbing emojis: Lorcan Omg Fucking hell And elide! Yes! You claw at him girl!! That dam! Oof Omg my ship - you are killing me “
Honestly. Such a Rollercoaster. So as you can see I was invested. and then they seemed to tentatively get over each other and what happened and proceeded to get cuter and cuter as the book went on and just gave me warm fuzzies and happiness. 
After Koa: I love this ship. I would die for this ship. Fight me! - oh majority of fandom also Like my ship now... cool cool. that’s cool. guess we cool.
Manorian
Before Koa: I dig it. Its alright. Manon eats men for breakfast so Dorian has a little bit of a death wish but I can see that playfulness, that bond from living a similar life. Heirs in name only, for the longest time. I appreciated it, but wasn't strongly invested. I had picked my OTP already. Still enjoy this ship tho - just less invested.
During Koa: I really liked the tentative relationship between Manon and Dorian. I have so many notes about how I think he is a witch tho - so those stand out in my notes more than ship points. I liked that they shared a tent when Manon never did. I liked that Dorian spent time with the 13 developing friendships. It showed that he wanted to know Manon, more than just for sex. But it also cannot be denied that they like sex and used it to avoid talking. That happens in relationships too - not necessarily bad. Its one of the things I actually like about SJM’s ships they aren’t cookie cutter relationships. But I did feel like both Manon and Dorian chose the mission over the relationship (For Now) which is fine too btw. In life we might take a job in a different city and do long distance and still come back to each other. I think Dorian lying to Manon on their last night together by omission is a little sucky. But again. relationships have ups and downs. I’m glad it kinda ended there. Sure they come back together, But I like that its left open. Firstly because they have had the ship burn in flames - their isn’t an “unhappy” ending... the story is still playing out. We just cut away before seeing the end. 
After Koa: Wow ok. So people have lots of thoughts on this ship and maybe I should have been paying attention. Why don’t people like it open ended... ok? maybe its a loose end but there is still a book to come (the world of throne of glass) and sure its not a novel about Aelin. This doesn't mean it wont tell us about the encyclopedic history or Ardarlan and the Witch kingdom and how both are run by people who are seeing each other. A certain boy who knows how to use portals to get from one place to the other quickly - doesn't seem like living on opposite sides on the continent is going to be a problem.... maybe that’s just the optimist in me. If they have children - a girl to rule the wastes and a boy to be king. Seems like an amazing fit. I’d really like to see this happen tbh, but this takes time and time KoA didn’t have in the pages - but - maybe - the world of throne of glass will.  
Chaorian
Before Koa: Ahh cute - they had their love story i’m happy!
During Koa: Damn I love Yrene. Shes the best. Chaol, you are ok too - but Yrene has your back and is the light relief in your life. Chaol you are too serious - listen to your wife.
After Koa: awwww little wittle chaorene babies. awwwwww daddy Chaol. awww  uncle Dorian. <3 <3 so many warm fuzzies.
Nestaq
Before Koa: I ship them so Hard OMG SARTAQ I LOVE YOU. You are a way better fit for Nesryn than Chaol. Man i’m glad she met you. 
During Koa: oof Sartaq why u gotta have a Khagan hat on - you are so serious. Good thing Borte is there. 
After Koa: Nesryn has no idea what she is in for - Can I please get more Yeran and Borte. Still love Nestaq - but I understand the peak of their story was in Tower of Dawn. 
Lysaedion
Before Koa: Oh Man you two. The end of Empire of Storms - Aedion you are a dick! Why! Why! Oh you better just be mad and make it up to her. You love her dang it, you wanted to marry her! Argh. I don’t know how to feel, I like them together - but what is this past Aedion has? What is coming. I don’t want to get my hopes up. 
During Koa: Aedion! Aedion! What! Are! you! doing!
I’m so mad at Aedion right now. You better apologise.
Its so complicated to break down. But basically Aedion is being an A-hole to Lysandra and she doesn’t deserve it. She is running herself into the ground and you do that! Aedion! I’m so conflicted, why are you a good dad to Evangeline but an awful person to Lys! AHHH AEDION STOP! 
After Koa: I still don’t know how to break down this relationship. It sets off so many red flags for me. - About how someone can be a great dad but an awful partner.  - About how someone can be abusive essentially but explain away their actions. - About how other people stand by and watch, when they see this behavior. - About how it is all “circumstances”. 
Now - I think its fine for people to work through things and overcome their problems if they want to but that takes time. What Aedion did in Kingdom of Ash did not make me think he should have been able to win Lysandra back as quickly as he did near the end of the book. And it hurts. However I know people in real life who have gone back to people who have treated them badly. So its not uncommon. It is their decision. It just hurts. 
Part of me wants them to get a divorce and I’ve made a couple of joke-ish statements about that. But I could have been on Lysaedion’s side if it had a similar ending to Manorian. If it was left hanging, left on a - lets see where this goes. War does strange things to people, and I think Aedion was affected more than others, but he needs to prove he isn’t going to be the man who threw Lysandra out into the cold. In my eyes at least. 
I have prob left ships out, and thoughts out but this is a lot of writing for me that’s not counting towards my nanowrimo - hahaha. 
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wafflesetc · 6 years
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I’ve Been Missing You, Lately: Part 4
Part 1/Part 2/Part 3
Shout out to @kkruml for who she is and all she does. Go find yourselves one of these kinds of people. 
I walked out of the bar, wrapping my arms around my waist, a shield for whatever pieces of my heart I had left.
As I stepped fully outside with the door closed behind me, I found his blue eyes piercing into mine. Whisky meeting blue – just like they had on that dreaded day when we said our goodbyes.
I could hear his tone of voice in the background—but my mouth rattled the words quicker than I had intended. I didn’t mean the words— no – not with any fiber in my being, yet I had said them.
“I’m in love with another man, Jamie.” I heard the hollowness in my voice as I spoke. The empty pit I had become as a person the last 2 years flashed right in front of me.
I watched the corners of his mouth form a small smile as he spoke. “No yer not.”
Bloody Scot, could always read me like a book.
“How in the BLOODY hell do you know that?” I yelled at him as I took a step closer towards him.
“No yer not. Ye hopped on a plane, didna pack, ‘cause ye are still in yer scrubs.” Jamie started as he took a small step forward—closing the proximity between us —“I ken because you are here, Sassenach.”
I stopped and put my hand up, not allowing him to come any closer and took a deep breath.
“You look horrible. Like you’ve been run over by a locomotive.”
That got me a small Scottish grunt and a humorless laugh as he ran his fingers through his hair.
“After ye ran out on me this morning, I needed to talk to someone who… Would understand. So, I thought of Jenny, naturally. Her and Ian and the bairns are out in Glasgow, visiting Ian’s parents. Ye dinna even let me explain…”
“Well, there wasn’t much to say, you had another woman in your bed.”
“Ye didna stay to let me give ye the story.”
“Mmm.” I humphed at him as I raised an eyebrow at him.
“It has only ever been you, surely ye ken that.”
“You LEFT.” I screamed as I clenched my fists by my sides. “No letters, no phone calls, nothing. For two bloody fucking years.”
I watched as he crossed his arms, tilting his head to the side, urging me to continue.
“I went to Lallybroch, to say my own goodbyes. About three months after you had left, and right before I moved to Boston. They were like family to me, you know!”
I watched his eyes soften as I spoke of our farewell—of his family who had also become my family—the memories that haunted our past coming back to our present.
“She said you had written her, and you had told her that I should move on, not wait for you, that you didn’t have the heart to tell me yourself….. And I did that. I moved on because you didn’t have the guts to tell me yourself!” my voice cracked as I struggled to keep it from shaking— I could feel my face was red – probably the reddest it had ever been. I was borderline in full-fledged panic mode. I had never gone off on anyone like this. Jamie’s face was flat – he didn’t even know how to respond.
“I didna do—“
“I AM NOT FINISHED YET!” I interjected at a high-pitched noise. “And I wrote you, EVERY DAY FOR A YEAR. And not a WORD back, James Fraser.”
“Sassen—“
“DON’T CALL ME THAT.”
He stopped and I could see his cheeks blush a faint shade of red as he bit his tongue.
“You don’t get to call me that, you don’t get to do anything because YOU stopped caring. YOU stopped loving me!” I finished with the last bit of energy I had—barely audible, as the tears started to flow down my cheeks. Now, I was hysterical.
“NO.” I heard him hiss at me as he took a step closer to me. Now our noses were merely inches apart and I could feel his breath warm on my lips. “NO.”
I stood a bit straighter, squaring my shoulders. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest, my pulse strong in my ears, my breathing extremely shallow. He wanted to get a reaction out of me, and it was working.  
“YOU’RE TEARING MY GUTS OUT, CLAIRE. DO YE REALLY NO’ SEE IT?”
I closed my eyes, as the sobs started to come over me. He placed his hands on my shoulders and I could feel his grip tighten.
“Do ye know what I dreamed about, every day in that damn desert?”
I shook my head sheepishly at him, not opening my eyes.
“Of you, Sassenach. Yer hair in that god’s awful bird’s nest when ye first wake up in the morning, how ye dinna like peppermint toothpaste so ye always taste like spearmint when ye used to kiss me goodbye in the mornings.”
I didn’t open my eyes, but my ears caught the crack in inflection, an intimacy his tone as he recalled the mornings we used to spend together.
“How ye like yer coffee black and yer breakfast tea with a dash of cinnamon, and ye smell of lemons when I used to bring ye lunches at the hospital because of the hand sanitizer ye keep in yer pocket. I used to dream ye were lying next to me on that cot, that I’d wait up and smell your curls that smelled like lavender and honey.”
“Jamie… You have to st—“
“NO. I dinna have to stop! I DIDNA ken ye wrote me…. I never got a thing. And if ye werena so GODDAMN STUBBORN, YE WOULD HAVE LET ME FINISH MY STORY.”
I felt my shield crack at his words. He had never gotten my letters? Had he spent all this time as hurt and confused as I had been? What did this mean?
Could I open this door again? No – that was the past, and I could not handle being hurt again. Not by Jamie – I had barely survived the first time.
To love him – and then lose him again—it would end me.
“There is nothing left to tell…”
“DAMMIT SASSENACH!” He grunted as he shook me, almost violently. I opened my eyes and looked up to his to realize I had never seen this look on his face, I didn’t know how to respond. His eyes were glossy—a film of tears on the brink of falling. I could see the heartbreak written on his face as clear as day.
I thought my heart had hurt – but by the pain escaping the lines of his face, he had had the worst end of the bargain.
“Jenny admitted to me she told ye to move on. She was angry at me for leaving for another tour, when I dinna need to. She was angry at you too, for leaving for Boston. She was just angry at the fact we both left her… She was angry because she lost us both at the same time…”
“My let—lette—letters?” I managed to croak, almost incoherently, but I got the words out.
“Shortly after I was deployed, we were on a mission somewhere in the Hindu Kush mountains – my unit, we were bombarded. 4 of my men died from an IED, 2 from bullet wounds to the skull. I was the only survivor, kept a prisoner of war for 10 months.”
“Oh my god.” Another crack in the remaining pieces of whatever shield I had left. I was timid at first, as I slumped my shoulder, the anger slowly dissipating from me as my healing instincts wanted to kick in – and I placed my hand over his heart.
“Shh. Let me finish, Sassenach.”  He said as he hushed me, his grasp loosening on me and his tone of voice lowering. I looked away, in fear of where I had a feeling the conversation was headed. I knew too well the hardships of war, I had seen the battered US soldiers back in Boston.
“It was Dougal, my uncle, ye remember? Well… I, was tortured, many a time. For information, that I wouldna give them. Dougal and his team, rescued me, and I had a verra long road to recovery. Dougal kept the letters, didna let anyone save for him and the doctors, talk to me, or know what had happened… My status of recovery.”
I held my breath as I directed my glance towards his once more. Those sea blue eyes- I had known like the back of my hand and dreamed of every night since he had departed from me – were now overcome by of a cloud of grey as he relived the hell. Of things I could not even fathom or pretend to comprehend.
I could taste the salt from my tears on the corner of my mouth. I let out my breath, and I said his name. “Jamie.”
“Ye see, Sassenach. I didna forget ye, I couldna forget ye for a second while I was gone. The only reason I survived, was because of YOU, Claire.”
“I should have been told! I would have been there for you.” I grunted as I grabbed his biceps. I could feel my finger nails leaving marks, even through the layers of his jacket.
“National Security, ye ken?”
“I fucking ken alright! But Jamie, it was over before you left….We said goodbye….”
“NO.” He said with a firm tone. “We said goodbye, but it WASNA over. It wasna over then, and it still isna over.”
I couldn’t reply—his mouth claimed mine and for the first time in two years, I could breathe again.
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Am I Dreaming? Chapter 8
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Summary: The boys learn what Castiel said about a Nephilim is true, except it isn’t y/n who carries the child. While trying to help the girl the book y/n left goes unnoticed until the extreme happens.
Pairing: Castiel x reader
Warnings: none
A week after y/n was sent back Castiel felt the surge of energy that could only be caused by a nephilim, but it was too strong to be just any nephilim so it had to be Lucifer. They already had their hands tied with Lucifer, now that had to add a woman pregnant with his baby to the list. They had no chance to sit down and relax, which the boys were thankful for since that meant they didn’t have to stop to think about the girl they sent back. All of the boys cared for y/n and when she left they were more than happy to throw themselves into their work, the bunker didn’t even feel the same anymore so whenever the boys could leave they did. Castiel wasn’t like them though, no matter how much he threw himself into his work like the boys he could still think of her, he could still hear her laugh echo in his brain.
Some days he even found himself forgetting she was no longer with them, there would be days he’d appear in her room only to be reminded it was just another empty room now. He longed for her to be here again, for her to yell at him for scaring her since no matter how many times he just showed up over the few months she never got used to it. Most nights he found himself in her bed, just laying there even though he can’t sleep. He found peace in all things that reminded him of her but he also found heartache in it, that was why he was grateful for the fact that Lucifer was having a child. Though the situation wasn’t the best it was a welcomed distraction that would keep him from thinking of her and what they could have been.
Castiel spent most of his time with the girl who held Lucifer's spawn while the boys stayed back at the bunker researching what they could about the whole ordeal. That was when Sam found the book sticky note still intact and all, he had never seen it so he was more than confused when he seen it but he cracked it open nonetheless. Reading the first sentence he realized who's book it was, but instead of stopping he was interested and decided to do as the note asked and kept going until he read the whole journal.
Entry 1: Castiel gave me this as a way to write when I feel the urge to since I let him in on my little secret about fanfiction. I don't plan to tell either of the boys though, I don't need them thinking I'm another becky. I'm shocked I even told Castiel, but I feel like I'm close to him already. Living in this world is weird and takes getting used to but I feel more welcomed here in this week than I ever had at home.
Entry 2: The boys took me on my first hunt and it went nothing like I thought it would. Seeing them gank monsters on tv is nothing like trying to do it, but it seems like since the hunt I've gotten nightmares. I'm not going to tell the boys though, or even Castiel since I love the experience the nightmares are just a slight issue that I'll work past.
Entry 3: They all know about my issue since the hunt, now I have to stay in the bunker. It should be more of a relief than it really is, eventually the boys will get annoyed. And even if they don't Cas is still going to, be is an angel of the lord he shouldn't have to babysit me because I can't handle monsters when I watch them do it all the time.
Entry 4: Spending time alone with Gas is anything but boring, we always find a new first for him to complete or just watching something on tv that he hasn't seen before. Sure we help the boys when they need it with research but that was rare since Sam takes most of the lore he'll need with him. The more time I spend with him the more I fall for him, my crush on the angel is growing though I still get the feeling this means more to me than to him. The moment the boys return home he is gone, he never stays to just hang out so what else do I have to believe than that he's just my celestial babysitter.
Entry 5: Cas ended up confronting me over avoiding him the other day  and requesting that we watch tv together like we always did after I spilled my guts, I ended up falling asleep on him without even realizing it. But he was still there when I woke up even though the boys were home. We spent the day cuddled up on to watch the season finale of our most recent show, as well as half of the next season.
Entry 6: Most of my days lately have been spent wandering the bunker alone, Cas was here when he could be but he has other things to handle. I’m starting to get tired of not having anything to do when I’m not with Castiel. I had to find a way to bring up to the boys that I want to try hunting again. I know more than last time, I’m way more prepared than I was a while ago I’ve even been training with each of them when I get the chance to.
Entry 7: After mentioning my extensive training I’ve had from the three of them the boys agreed. Their only conditions were that I had to keep my word sticking to small hunts and I couldn't tell Cas at all. Both boys swear that he would be mad if he found out but I can’t seem to understand why and I’m not going to stress over it either, instead I’m going to focus on pack for the hunt before they can change their minds.
Entry 8: The witch hunt backfired and now I am stuck as the one version of myself that I hate more than my actual self. The teenage me barely talked, or ate and when she did do either of those things she always did too much. It’s only been a day and I can feel everything already creeping in, but i'm not going to say anything about it just to show how weak I really am.
Entry 9: Two days, that’s all it’s been since this damn curse was put on me and it was a fight for me to even get out of bed each day. Most days I didn’t either, the boys have been bringing me food to my room but I don’t eat much of it either. It’s been a struggle from the start on and I knew the boys could tell but I don’t have the energy to even care anymore.
Entry 10: I have barely slept more than two hours or so since everything has happened and sleep exhaustion was taking as much of a toll on me as the depression was. Earlier today I seen Cas for the first time since it all happened as well, I feel like missing him was adding to every other feeling I had going on. He was trying to talk to me and I didn’t even hear him standing there behind me asking if I was okay as I was battling with myself to reach out for help. The moment he asked I instantly started crying, I couldn’t even find my voice to speak up what my issues were. That day I had the best much need rest thanks to Cas’ grace.
Entry 11: Cas ended up telling the boys about our encounter the day before  so when I woke up they were both waiting for me looking less than happy. They revealed that not only did he tell them how I was feeling but I slept the whole fifth day of the curse away without even realizing it. After we had a talk the boys decided we would spend our day together since I only had two left they swore I’d be able to get through it with them by my side. At first I was reluctant because I don’t want them thinking I’m weak but eventually things were going great, well as great as it could go with a depressed girl, Cas even showed up and spent the rest of the day with us.
Entry 12: Cas spent the day after that with me just the two of us, it was a very welcome distraction full of cuddling and Stranger Things. And the day after that was spent with the boys as they prepared for whatever case the found next. But when my spell officially wore off and the boys had a hunt to head out to Cas never answered our calls which worried me like no tomorrow.
Entry 13: He finally showed up once I cleaned the bunker and decided to watch a movie though he was tense and shifting the whole time. When I longed for him to kiss me in my mind he visibly stiffened even more. Things have been tense since the day Cas spent with me cuddled in my bed before the curse wore off, he sensed how I feel about him but I brushed it off as an effects of the curse but that couldn’t be my excuse this time since I was fine now. And when I brought it up to him the only response I received was “Things changed after the other day,” it hurt when he said it, I ended up in a ball against my door sobbing because I lost someone else I grew attached to.
My Final Entry: Castiel left after telling me that I was right about one of the things going through my head on repeat and I keep sitting here trying to figure out which of the options his answer is. I don’t really want to know at the same time because two out of three will just hurt me even more, but when the boys came in informing me that I was leaving when he came back I knew that I would rather imagine than know the answer and be hurt. As scary as it is to say or write I know I love Castiel and no answer or dimension can change that.
Sam and Dean are almost like brothers to me but they want me to leave as well, after the last week and everything they still just want me to jump through some sort of a portal without thinking twice. I plan on doing it to make them happy since they have made me happy this whole time, but it is going to hurt like hell since I’ve grown attached. This place was more like a house to me than my actual house is, there has never been a place I’ve felt more needed and loved, all good things must come to an end though so I’m not surprised.
I forgot about the fact that I wasn’t from here for a while, and when I remembered again my heart shattered a little. I didn’t even know a way to properly say goodbye to the three of you which it why I am writing this now as all three of you wait for me to be ready, I love all of you more than I love my blood family I hope you remember that. I may be leaving now but the moment one of you needs me me in any way come and get me I will always be there.
Sam knew he had to show Cas as well as Dean so he headed towards his brother first passing the book to his brother with the same hurt look he held when y/n walked through the kitchen cupboard home. Dean excepted the book but he shot Sam a questioning glance in the process to which Sam replies, “It’s y/n’s just read it and give it to Cas when you’re done,” before he turned to walk away and actually do his research.
Dean was hesitant to read it at first, but then he seen the handrwiting he came to know as y/n’s and he couldn’t seem to stop just like his brother. The moment that he finished he called to Cas who appeared faster than he expected him to.
“You called?” Castiel asked grufly from behind Dean causing the hunter to turn and look at him book in hand. Castiel’s eyes landed on the book he reconized in an instant because it was y/n’s and he bought it for her himself, “Where did you find that?” he asks reaching out for it as his heart clenches.
“Sam gave it to me to read, I don’t know where he found it all I know is there was a note on top saying ‘read me’ in her handwriting and I was told to pass it on to you once I read it,” Dean replies truthfully as he hands it over, “She wrote some stuff in there that none of us would know if she didn’t tell us.”
Cas nods stiffly holding the book in his hands as though it will turn to ash if he’s not gentle before he goes to turn away, “Oh and Cas, you keep it you were closer to her than any of us,” Dean adds in before Cas vanishes to read the book alone in the room that will always be yours.
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Hey guys...
So it's the new year so I wanted to make a post about some stuff that went down and some future hopes.
So 2016-2017 I attended an early college which is a place where you take high school classes during the day and college classes at night. My first year of it was great, but I didn't take many college classes since I was just staring out. Because my parents couldn't drive me and because I don't have a car or license myself, I had to take the bus to school every day. Since my school was quite a ways away and since the bus was slow, it would take me an hour to get to school and an hour to get back. The fact that the bus was on a fixed route meant that I would have to wake up at 5:30 am every day. When I needed to get homework done (since I am a morning person) I would sometimes even wake up at 4 am to get stuff done before school.
During my first year at school I got a pretty bad caffeine addiction due to the late nights and early mornings. My caffiene addiction came and went, but would usually end with me drinking several Monsters in one day and then having a nervous breakdown.
Last year was tolerable not only because I made new friends but because I met a girl that I really liked too and we started dating. Her name was Olivia and she was probably a mistake to date in the first place, but how could I have known better if I never did it? She was a very pretty brunette with beautiful blue eyes, and she said that she loved me but she certainly didn't act like it. The two of us would sit together in the library since we shared a free hour, but we would always talk about the same mundane things, and if I tried to talk about anything that wasn't immediately super interesting to her, she would just stop listening and reply with "cool". Needless to say, I'm not with her anymore. My infatuation with her + our relationship lasted from the beginning of the school year to the very end, at which I sat in a field of grass and listened to Greensleves on loop as salty tears rolled down my face.
When it comes to friends, I didn't have too many at school but I did have a friend named Alex. Alex was very funny and a nice and loyal friend, but I felt that he was sort of a bad influence on me and that my parents wouldn't really approve of his behavior. Come the end of the year, after my breakup and while I was trying to figure my life out, I told Alex that we couldn't be friends anymore because I didn't think he was good for me. This made me feel horrible but I felt it was necessary. This added to my loneliness.
My teachers were great. I had a few that were a bit annoying, but my math/physics teacher was absolutely amazing and inspired in me a love of math and physics, my History teacher was super funny and made American history very interesting, and my English teacher was one of the sweetest people I've ever met and as I write this I wanna go give her a hug.
The one main college class that I took was American Government which I assumed would be super boring but was actually extremely interesting due to my great professor.
Over the past few years I have struggled with depression, and over the last school year I have had some bad anxiety which is likely due in part to the large quantities of caffiene that I was consuming. I believe that some of my depression is neurological and some is due to the fact that I have very low self esteem and often blame myself for anything bad that happens to me.
Come summertime my dad insisted that I work all summer to pay for bus passes and any other expenses that I would have to pay for in the coming school year. I was so incredibly tired and strung out from the past school year that the last thing I wanted to do was work 10 hours a day for the next 3 months until school starts and I will have to work 14 hours a day on school. After 2 weeks off I decided I would work and I worked (at my uncles furniture shop) until summer ended.
School was starting now and I had gotten no rest over the summer and I was still raw from the loss of my friends, loss of my girlfriend, and from my worsening depression.
School started and I expected it to be like last year; that I make new friends, that my teachers are all kind, and that everything works out for the best. It did not.
My teacher that I had for the majority of my classes was a major hard ass who was just a pain. I made no new friends and if anything I drifted away from the people around me and became more secluded and jaded.
But finally a glimmer of hope shone through the darkness: I met a beautiful girl named Julia and I thought that she liked me. Like never before I fell in love with her and became obsessed and tried to win her affection, but my own anxiety prevented me from saying anything meaningful to her. After two months of kicking myslef for not working up the nerve to say anything to her, she started dating someone else, and my heart sank. That day I just left school. I walked out to the bus stop and just sat there sobbing uncontrollably, screaming "God fucking damnit! God damn you!"
Things only got worse from there. Due to my night classes, some days I would be at school for 16 hours a day. Any free time that I had was taken up with homework. My depression and self loathing got far worse. I no longer wanted to get out of bed in the morning because I knew that the day would only mean pain. I only got out of bed because I had nothing better to do than go through the pain of the day and hope it got better. But I had no hope anymore. Then the physical pain started; every day for two weeks I had bad headaches, but worse than that was horrible, crushing, debilitating stomach aches.
Worse than all the other pains was this: the pain in my heart. People think that heartbreak is just an expression that just means emotional pain, but the truth is, you really do feel it in your heart. You feel this physical tingling, this itch, this ache that hurts so bad that you wish someone would stab you through the heart to make it go away.
I had been growing out my hair ever since I had broken up with Olivia, but one day I decided that I needed a change and asked my mom to cut my hair. While she was cutting my hair she said, "now I'm not asking you to do this or telling you that you should but I just want you to know that it's an option: you can leave the early college." For me, the early college was my life, it was my identity; even if it caused my pain it was who I was and I rooted myslef in it. It opened up doors in my life to colleges and scholarships and careers. In my mind this was not an option until now. Once my mom said this I began to weep and say, "then I'll do it, I'll leave. I need to help myself."
So the next morning my mom called me in sick and later that week we called and told them that I was leaving and was going back to being homeschooled.
I cried every day for the next week at the loss of my identity and the loss of my future. Who was I if not the early college student who was going to be a surgeon?
I started going to a therapist but I could only go for several weeks because out insurance didn't cover it. The few weeks that I went were extremely valuable to me, as we talked psychology and philosphy as to why you shouldn't blame yourself for things.
Now that I was homeschooled again and I had loads of time that I hadn't had for the past year, I decided I would start going to the gym every other day, which I have done faithfully since.
I also had time to read many books that were able to transport me to beautiful worlds and forget my troubles.
With my life slowing down, and with the newfound ability to eat properly and exercise I slowly but surely improved my mental state. I'm still not fully better; I still cry and I still feel heartache, but I am nowhere near the borderline suicidal state that I was in at school.
Being out of that school has broadened my horizons; I am finally able to dream again. I have always had a dream of becoming an inventor, and now I am able to dream that again and strive for that dream.
I have already begun work on several of my inventions that I have thought up and I have videotaped my progress on them and I plan to post it on YouTube.
My dream for 2018 is that I am able to imagine and create; my dream is that I will be able to make my inventions and live the way that I want to: free of self-doubt and full of joy. A girlfriend would be nice too.
The moral of my story is that nothing is inescapable, nothing is black and white, things may seem never ending, but they will get better.
Make sure to dream big! I love all of you and have a fantastic 2018!!!
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iusetowrite · 7 years
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Who Are You?
Who Are You?
Pairing: Gibbs x Reader
Words: 1,715
Warnings: Few Curse Words,(I think it’s a total of 3 or 4), mentions of blood, bang bang, Angst! Go back now if you can’t handle the heartbreak or tears, because I can’t deal either.
Author’s Note: Oh, Hey there again, NCIS will be popping out like traffic, and by traffic, I mean it’s going to be slow because after this one here, you’re either going to hate me, or cry too. I cried way too hard writing this. Why would I write such a thing? A simple mistake can simply be lead into something more atrocious by the one you love. Now you’re being nursed by your house. Gibbs here. Gibbs there. Gibbs not here anymore. Is this the Gibbs you known beforehand? You stay in the end, not because you’re weak, because that’s not Gibbs. “PLEASE HAVE TISSUE NEAR!” (Totally recommend listening to Celine Dion, “All By Myself.”) -Love Kelly
It was Friday, and you were happy that Gibbs gave everyone the day off, but he decided to stay behind at the office alone. You wondered why he does this, everyone deserves a break, especially Gibbs, it’s not a stress-free job. You laid upon the couch since he kissed you before he left for work this morning. With one of your legs propped on the coffee table, watching tv, you sat waiting for Gibbs. You glanced at the clock and it was 8:47, and have done absolutely nothing, not like you had a choice anyway. You groaned, turning off the tv. “Geez Gibbs! Where are you?” You sighed. As if the clouds of heaven heard you, the front door swung open to a bitter, pissed Gibbs. You jumped in response. Gibbs shut the door and walked into the kitchen mumbling a ‘sorry, long day.’
You watched him pace in the kitchen, grabbing a glass, then filling it with water. Watching Gibbs was like reading a book, he never let his guard down, but he was far from tense, he was livid, not verbally or physically, but he was mentally… Blaming himself. You didn’t know how long you were staring, but Gibbs was, now, hovering over you, glass clenched in his hand. “You know staring can get you in a whole lot of trouble.” He snarled. You glared at Gibbs in awe, staring in his eyes, seeing that they told a different story, and you knew exactly what. “Gibbs. You haven’t been studying about what happ-.” “Are you going to take the glass (Y/N).” Gibbs argued. You choked out an “oh”. Gibbs saw the hurt in your eyes now and hated that he caused more pain. “I’m going to change.” He spoke bluntly, slamming the glass on the side table. “Who are you?” You said aloud, showing the hurt in your voice. Gibbs stopped in his track, looking over his shoulder at your saddening figure. “Who ever you think I am.” He spatted, continuing his pace. “Well, you’re not Gibbs.” You croaked. Gibbs stood still in his tracks, now fully turning to face you. He scoffed then went to his room. Slamming the door, a tear rolled down your cheek. “Why is he eating himself like this?” You advised, wiping away the tear. You looked down at your leg. ‘Is this why he let us off today? You thought sadly. You went to touch your left leg. It was occupied in a brace from the incident three days ago.
***
Gibbs and you sat in your driveway after a long day at work. You guys, including the team, had been after a guy for three weeks, but he’d slip between our hands before we could capture him. You were texting your mum at the time, thanking her for the flowers she delivered. You smiled happily at the message and put your phone in your purse. Grabbing the flowers out the front seat and purse, you got out your car. Gibbs followed the same procedure, while grabbing the balloons and gifts, then setting the gifts on the ground. “What made you wear white? Gibbs questioned with a cheeky smile. “I don’t know, maybe I want to be the star of the show?” You giggled, setting down your purse and flowers beside your car. You had worn this beautiful white pants suit and you were glowing with each step you took, “An angel at that.” You had heard Gibbs whispered to Tony at work.
“Come on in, I’m making dinner tonight for the birthday girl.” Gibbs jested, balloons still in hand. You scoffed. “Probably the only time.” You chuckled. “Someone doubting me?” He warned. “Well, let me check the mail before you do.” Giving a wink. Gibbs bit his lips watching you walk to the mailbox, then to the area around you. Patrolling the area. As you were getting the mail, Gibbs noticed a car that looked similar to the guy they have been looking for. “Wow, Gibbs, there so much.” You spoke sweetly, knocking Gibbs out of his thoughts. Gibbs smirked at you, watching you look like a kid on Christmas Morning. Gibbs notice the car again, getting close to you, and seeing the dent that was in the hood of the car. That’s him! That’s the guy we’ve been looking for! “(Y/N).” Gibbs mumbled. “Wow, Gibbs, this is way more than I expected. I’m coming!” You chanted playfully. Like time, unexpected, everything went slower. The car came to a cruise and it slowly rolled down the window. In all what happened in thirty seconds, felt like hours. “(Y/N)!” Gibbs scolded, letting go of the balloons, grabbing his gun, running towards you, but it was like walking in quicksand. “Oh gosh Gibbs! My dad sent me one, I haven’t spoken to him in years.” You said rubbing your thumb against the card. You looked up to show Gibbs the card, but he was running towards you and you knew why. “The bastard’s behind me.” Was the last thing you said before crashing to the ground, cards flailing everywhere. Bullets impaling your leg and abdomen. Blood covering your white suit. All at once, time came back into play. “(Y/N)!” Gibbs yelled falling towards your body, tears prickling his eyes. The car skidded away.
Just hold on for me okay?! Dammit!” Gibbs stammered, tears coming in a downpour. Putting your head in his lap, he called 911.
You had woken to blinding lights and sharp pains shooting at your leg. You groaned, closing your eyes to ease the pain. You open them again to find Gibbs hovering over you. You will never forget how Gibbs looked and how he looked at you. He looked like a lost orphan, trying and hopelessly longing for someone to come get him. His hair was wadded up, eyes bloodshot, and a stubble appeared on his face. Gibbs quickly moved from over you and ran for assistance. “Doctor. Doctor, she’s awake.” Gibbs sputtered softly. You closed your eyes and tried to talk, but only got mumbles. “Don’t worry (Y/L/W), you’re going to be okay. You were shot twice, but luckily for your vest, you weren’t impaled in your abdomen. You were just shot in your leg. You’ll be out here before you know it.” The doctor explained. You weakly gave a hurt smile, closing your eyes again, but not opening them again.
“(Y/N)?” Gibbs questioned. …
“(Y/N)! Doctor help! (Y/N)!”
***
“(Y/N)!” Gibbs yelled. You gasped the little air you had. “Didn’t I tell you not to touch your leg?” He boasted. You quickly looked away so he couldn’t see the tears that were forming. “D’you you take your pills?” He questioned, looking at the still, sitting full glass he left for you earlier. “Yea-.” “No you didn’t, the glass is still full.” He interrupted. “I’ve been gone for 10 minutes, that’s how long the meds should kick in, and you’re going to have to sit here and suffer? Take the pills (Y/N).” Gibbs commanded harshly. You turned at who this was, cause surly this isn’t Gibbs. Gibbs eyes were as red as yours and held grief beyond repair. You didn’t ask any questions, for seeing Gibbs like this hurt you. Not knowing that tears were falling, you took the pills from Gibbs hand, and grabbed the water.
Gibbs let out an exasperated sigh, going to the kitchen to grab the med-kit, while you took the pills, Gibbs came back and removed the brace carefully, revealing the huge gash. Gibbs took in the image, by taking in a deep breath, and began cleaning it.
2 Minutes later
“(Y/N)! Will you sit still for 6 damn minutes!” Gibbs roared irritatedly. Gibbs looked at you and back to the huge gash from the incident. “Sorry.” Gibbs whispered reassuringly. It hurt like hell when Gibbs placed the alcohol pad against it, but he did it ever so slightly, not trying to hurt you any more. “Gibbs?” You asked softly. He wrapped your leg and put the brace back on, not responding to you. “You’re not eating yourself up about this? Are you?” You asked honestly, already knowing the answer. Gibbs held your leg in his hand, rubbing the bandage wound fighting back the tears. “Gib-.” “Stop. Stop telling me that I don’t need to beat myself up because I could have lost you!” Gibbs bellowed now forming a grip around your brace. “Gibbs.” You winced in a warning, reaching for Gibbs to stop, but something inside of him snapped. “It’s MY FAULT (Y/N)!!” Gibbs yelled in grief. Your shriek and cries filled the room as Gibbs clenched your leg. Looking in terror of what he had done, Gibbs let go of your leg. “(Y/N). (y/-, I-I’m sorry.” Gibbs apologizes, scurrying to the bedroom, leaving you a crying mess, by yourself.
Gibbs shut the door, putting his back against it. Breathing heavily of the little breath he had, everything came crashing down at once. He slid down the door sobbing. Leaving the both of you in bewilderment of who you are… To be continued.
-I HOPE YOU FEEL GREAT ABOUT YOURSELF, psych, nah, man, I feel terrible. 😂😂 That was dreadful, I was debating on whether to bring a part two or not, but this deserves it. :) Can’t wait for it. Hope your life is wonderful. -Love Kelly
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ijustwant2write · 7 years
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You Abandoned Me-Part 2/10 (Steve Rogers x Reader)
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(GIF credit to @marvelgifs)
Masterlist
Part 1 / Part 3 / Part 4/ Part 5/ Part 6/ Part 7/ Part 8/ Part 9/ Part 10
Summary: Steve has left (Y/N) to help Bucky, she doesn’t know who her friends are anymore. He left so abruptly, it was so out of character for Steve. Tony tries to console her but is dealing with similar problems of his own.
Characters: Steve Rogers x Reader, Tony Stark x Reader (platonic)
Meaning: (Y/N)= Your name (Y/L/N)= Your last name
Warnings: Sad Tony (cause let’s face it, his emotions and feelings are usually put to the side) and slight swearing
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It seemed odd to be repeating the same actions as Steve had just done before he stormed out on me. Packing a bag of my things like he did made it seem like I too was walking out of this relationship. Stepping into the bathroom, I flicked the light on, almost giving myself a heart attack when I faced my reflection. Makeup was in the wrong places, my eyes were puffy and bloodshot, not to mention the bright, red cheeks from rubbing my tears away. Ignoring my face for now, I gathered up my toiletries, trying to not look at anything that was his.
I knew that I wasn’t leaving the flat for good, I loved that place more than words could express. Steve was my first serious boyfriend, the others hadn’t got this far with me. We dated for two years before deciding to live together. I grew up in England so I knew nothing about America’s geography. Steve suggested somewhere in Brooklyn where he grew up. I would have lived in a cardboard box as long as I was with him. It was a big step for us but an exciting one. Now everywhere I looked just reminded me of Steve.
Sighing, I picked up my bag before closing and locking the door. My feet slowly carried me down the steps and into the garage for the block of flats. Nothing was really registering in my mind, the whole car journey only seemed like a couple of minutes when really it must have been at least half an hour. The ever so familiar tower came into view, outshining all buildings surrounding it. Parking my car inside, I took a deep breath before getting out.
The tower was like another home me for me. Steve had introduced me to the others at one of Tony’s famous parties. Luckily for me, I got along with everyone and was soon being invited back, and not just for parties. Steve and I would sometimes stay here or I would by myself when he was away on missions. The Avengers had become my family, now I was hoping that whoever was left here would welcome me back.
“Welcome back Miss (Y/L/N).” the oh so missed robotic voice of FRIDAY announced as I stepped into the lift.
“Thank you FRIDAY, it has been a while.”
“I have informed Mr Stark of your arrival and shall take you to him now.”
The lift took me to the floor where Tony’s lab was situated. I hesitated at the glass doors, watching as he typed something into his tablet. With Bruce gone after the battle with Ultron, Tony had no lab partner, he would spend days up there alone, buried in his research. I tried to get him to come out but some days he would not budge. Tapping on the glass gently I saw Tony’s head whip round before smiling and entering the code to let me in. As soon as I stepped in he was hugging me. He too looked beaten up, even more than Steve was.
“I am so sorry for what he did to you.” he mumbled, squeezing me right.
Surprisingly, Tony and I had gotten very close. Neither of us could put our fingers on it, we didn’t have much in common. Perhaps it all started when Tony wanted another party and when no one agreed I was the only one who wanted one too. Besides that, I could see that he was broken. He too had been through a lot, though it wasn’t a competition. I tried to help him when no one would comfort him or just listen to him baffle. When Steve was away on a mission, I would sit in the lab with Tony if he too was at the tower; he would sometimes explain his new inventions even if I didn’t understand, or talk to each other, or sit in comfortable silence as I read a book in the corner of the room.
I forced myself not to cry.“I just can’t believe what’s happened this week. I don’t even know the full story.”
“It’s a very long one.” he pulled away, leaning on a desk.
“I know it has a lot to do with those damn records.”
“Those stupid pieces of paper broke apart what was supposed to be a super team. And I know you weren’t sure of them either.”
“Well I had no say in it. It was all of your decisions. But I knew they were trouble.”
He changed the topic slightly.“So capsicle didn’t tell you anything?”
“He was there one minute then gone the next. I couldn’t get anything out of him.”
He ran a hand over his face.“Long story short, we disagreed over the Sokovia records, I wanted to sign them whereas he didn’t and it all went downhill from there. Winter Soldier shows up, Steve hides him away from the government and we all fight.”
He was silent for a moment.
“Turns out he killed my parents.”
“Bucky killed your parents?”
“HYDRA took him out of the ice and sent him on a mission. Some nut job desperately wanted that mission report to get me and Bucky to fight. His family was killed back when we fought Ultron, something about wanting revenge.”
I was speechless. Despite the brief description, it had escalated quickly. I had no idea of how much actually went on, my friends fighting over some records instead of talking about it, plus the return of Steve’s best friend���.I wanted to hate Bucky. Maybe if he hadn’t shown up this problem wouldn’t have gotten so big, maybe they could have resolved it. There was an obvious jealousy as well, Steve had chosen a psycho murderer over his girlfriend. There was no telling when he would come back.
“Are you just going to leave me out of the story?” I heard another voice as the doors slid open.
“Rhodey! Oh my god, what happened?!” I exclaimed as he slowly walked in on crutches and leg braces.
“Accident during the fight. Got hit whilst in the suit, dropped right out of the sky.”
“How are you not dead?” I gasped as I hugged him.
“Hey, it’s just another party story for War Machine.”
“I didn’t mean it like that.” I sadly smiled as I pulled away.
“But check out the new legs, designed by Mr Tony Stank himself.”
“Stank?”
Tony groaned.“Don’t even ask.”
Tony took me to my room in the tower, though I was hesitant to go in. Steve and I shared this room, it still had some of our things in it. As I placed down my bag, my gaze went to the desk. There was a picture frame with my favourite picture of us in it; Steve had been away on a long mission and the team had no idea when he was coming back; when he finally did, I was the first to run out to the landing bay and throw myself on him. Someone had captured the moment for us. It just showed our love for each other in one photo.
Slumping down on the edge of the bed, I took one more glance around the room before looking up at Tony. He was already looking at me with a stern look on his face.
“Are you sure you want to be in here?” He asked.
I sighed.“I’m not sure. This feels homely but at the same time it doesn’t.”
He walked up to me.“You know you can have a pick of any other room seeing as no one occupies them anymore.”
My heart twisted at his words.“I’m so sorry that they’re gone Tony. I know you were trying to keep everyone together.”
“I’m sorry too. They were your family as well as mine.”
He sat down next to me and we were in comfortable silence before I spoke out suddenly.
“I hate Bucky Barnes.”
He turned to face me, slowly nodding.“Yeah, me too.”
“I know you have more reason to, seeing as he…yeah, well, as soon as he arrived things turned to even more shit. Steve used to talk about him all the time and after he showed up a couple years ago, I was excited to meet him. Of course I couldn’t though, seeing as he was brainwashed and all. But from what Steve had said about him and how Bucky cared for him…urgh, this is just too much for me to handle.”
Tony’s arm went around my shoulders and I hugged him back.“There’s nothing we can do now.”
I started to cry again.“You should have heard how he spoke to me Tony. I’ve never seen him that angry, it was like he was annoyed with me. And now he’s gone and I don’t know when he’s coming back…if he’s coming back.”
Tony stayed quiet as he let me ramble.
“I want to hate Steve too but I can’t. And I think that’s hurting me the most. He can just easily walk away from it all with no second thought whereas I’m left here a sobbing mess.”
We sat together on the bed, Tony’s hand rubbing soothing, circular motions on my back. I took a deep breath, sitting up straight as I wiped away the tears.
“I’m sorry Tony. I’m just a mess. Thank you for being such a great friend though. I don’t know what would have happened if I stayed cooped up in that apartment.”
“Any time. Thank you for listening to me too. Look, it’s still early in the evening, I’ll order us takeout and we’ll hang out.”
“Thanks.” I sniffled.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It had been a week since Steve left. Since then I had tried to continue as normal; going to work, seeing some friends (I didn’t dare tell them that Steve was gone) and helping Tony try to get back to his usual self, or at least close to that. I hadn’t been back to the flat either. Every time I thought about going I chickened out, it was too much to handle. Tony never asked about it either. That was something I was grateful for, Tony knew that I wouldn’t want to talk about it but I was starting to worry about him. He was becoming more reclusive, staying up in his lab all day. That was until he joined me for breakfast.
“This came for you today.” he handed me an envelope before walking over to the coffee machine.
My name was scribbled on the front. I could recognise the handwriting anywhere. My hands started to tremble as I kept on staring at it. I could feel Tony’s presence and I knew he was waiting. Slowly I opened it up, sliding out the letter hidden inside:
To my best girl,
My actions from the last time we saw each other were out of order. I never thought that I would be that way towards you but I was, I’ll never forgive myself for that. No one expected anything like this to happen. I want you to know that you have made the past three years the best years of my life and I will forever regret walking away from it all. But please understand that I was scared, scared for the team, scared for Bucky and scared for you. This may sound like goodbye, I assure you it isn’t. I could never forget you and I never will.
I will love you forever, Steve
I had read it all in his voice, soaking in everything that was written down. I could imagine him writing this and I hoped it was with great difficulty. My emotions clashed together, not sure whether to be happy that he had thought about me or angry that he contacted me a week later with a letter. He could have text or called, that way I could have heard his voice. He said that it wasn’t goodbye.
So why did I feel like I would never see him again?
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Tips on Staying [Relatively] Sane While Writing
Hellllooooooo Everybody ~
Happy Thursday Blogday!
Let’s face it: we’ve all been there, where at some point or another, writing stops being fun. Writing is our calling; we were born on this cynical planet to tell stories. It’s been written into our DNA, it’s our passion, it’s the reason Why. We. Breathe.
And it’s stopped being fun. In fact, it’s driving us a little batty.
*Le Gasp!!*
Cue the world ending.
Don’t worry. It happens to the best of us. It’s common to fall in and out of love with writing, especially considering we should be treating it like a job, and who doesn’t fall in and out of love with their job? Or, better yet, upgrade and develop a love-hate relationship with it altogether? It’s perfectly normal for your life passion to make you seriously question your sanity. And really, Lord knows it doesn’t matter if that passion is a hobby or a profession; insanity is completely inclusive and knows no boundaries. Honestly, you should watch me play video games; as much as I love them, I’m generally a mess when I play.
I know we all like to think that we are tough as nails and have nerves of steel, but the truth of the matter is this: we are human. We are fragile sometimes. And sometimes, SOMETIMES, our mental game isn’t exactly top notch. And while this might not seem like a big deal, not being 100% in the mental health department can lead to other things, like other health issues, insomnia, poor eating habits, increased hermitage, poor writing, or worse, NO writing.
Ok, NOW cue the world ending.
So, before you toss in the towel and seriously consider a new passion, let me settle your worried soul and offer 10 tips on how to salvage the last bits of your already fragile mental psyche. Some of these may work for you, and some of them may not. Some of them won’t be very nice to hear (you’ve been warned; the faint of heart should avert ye eyes), but are important nonetheless.
Without further ado, 10 tips on how to stay [relatively] sane while writing:
1) Take a break. This one is important, guys. When was the last time you got up, stretched, and focused on something besides your computer screen? Sometimes when we are so focused on our work, we forget that we have a body…a human body…and those things have needs! We ignore the signs our bodies are throwing at us, like muscle aches, eye strain, hunger pains, headaches, and full bladders. Trust me, your work isn’t going anywhere. You can afford a 5-minute pee break. It’ll all be there when you get back. And if it isn’t…well…I blame the wizards.
2) Make a schedule for yourself. Set alarms to remind yourself to take breaks, to eat, to do something that isn’t writing-oriented. Maybe instead of saying, “I will write today!” start with smaller, less vague goals. “I will write 500 words, take a 10-minute break, and then write another 500 words.” This goal is a lot more specific, is well-structured, has a beginning and end, and is easily attainable! Make it a habit to start each writing session with a routine so you know which direction you are heading in; going head-first into a session without an end-goal often leads to procrastination, frustration, and disappointment.
3) Switch it up. If the routine you are currently stuck in feels more like a rut than anything, perhaps it’s time to develop a new ritual. Try something different. Leave the house. Listen to a different playlist. Play around with a couple writing exercises to get the ideas flowing. Write in a group if you normally hermit it up (and vice versa, if you are on the more social side). Pick apart your routine and see what is working, and what isn’t. It’s amazing to see the sorts of things that might be helping alleviate your stress, and what might be exacerbating it.  
4) Reward yourself. When you meet a goal, celebrate! Eat that candy, take a breather to watch that movie, go to the bookstore and buy that book you’ve been eyeing up. Allowing yourself those little treats is a great way to lighten the mood, offer momentary distraction, and reinforce further positive behavior. Think of it like this. If you are training your puppy to go to the front door when it needs to pee, you are going to offer positive feedback when it does the task you want it to do. Your puppy is then going to associate doing the right thing with something good (ie: praise, cuddles, and/or treats). The same thing goes for you (except, for the love of God, I hope you’re potty trained). When you set goals for yourself, reach them, and reward yourself accordingly, your brain is going to start associating positive experiences with hard word and hitting goals. This helps you focus less on stress and more on how well you are doing, or how much work you’re getting done. It’s all about perspective, you see. Positive reinforcement is key to a healthy you and a healthy me!
5) Accept defeat. Ok, I KNOW this is like a punch in the throat, and I’m not trying to be Negative Nelly over here, but this is an honest-to-goodness tip, Scouts Honor. When I say, “accept defeat,” I’m not saying toss all your hard work away the moment you hit a wall and all the rainbows and butterflies are gone. I’m saying that if you’ve been struggling with your novel baby for a solid chunk of time (I’m talking months-years here), you’ve lost your passion for it, and you are generally experiencing more anger than joy when it comes to sitting down at your computer and opening up your work, then you might want to consider either 1) setting that WIP aside and focusing on something else, or 2) getting rid of that WIP altogether. Now, keep in mind that this is only for absolutely dire, worst-case-scenario ordeals. But sometimes, it’s good to know when to call a spade a spade and to call it quits. I highly recommend putting a lot of thought into this, as well as making the decision with a clear, objective mind. Because, let’s face it, this is a huge deal, and letting your emotions get in the way might not be the best idea. But sometimes, you’d be amazed at how much lighter you feel after agreeing to drop a story. I’ve done it before, and as sad as it is to say goodbye, the lack of mental stress, guilt, and burden was enough to convince me that I made the right choice.
6) Get support/have a soundboard. A good vent session is a beautiful thing. And it’s even better when it’s not with your fur baby. For me, besides the raging headache I get, I often feel 10x lighter, more energetic, and more balanced after a good sob-fest/yelling session. While the soundboard can essentially be anyone, it helps if they have a writer’s brain like you; they know the struggles you are going through inside and out, and can offer constructive feedback and advice that doesn’t make you want to start throwing out punches like a kung-fu master. But the most important thing is knowing you aren’t alone in these problems. People have gone through EXACTLY what you are going through. They’ve been on the verge of snapping a time or two as well; what you are experiencing is not special, nor is it exclusive to solely you. People are suffering together! Hooray!
7) Journal your progress. Now, I know that sometimes journaling is the last thing people want to do, especially if writing is what they are already doing all day, not to mention if it is writing that is causing them such mental strain. But I find that if I journal my progress, even if it’s a couple sentences here and there, it helps me debrief and vent. This tip is especially handy if you don’t have the best support systems in place, or a soundboard to fall back on. Besides, sometimes we just need to rage-write our hearts out without fear of getting judged, interrupted, and overwhelmed with awful advice. Just as well, I find that journaling also helps me remain focused and on track. I can see how far I’ve come, how much I’ve grown, and I’m reminded that I’m a lot stronger now than I was before. It’s very grounding.
8) Listen to music. Some people prefer to write in silence, and that’s totally fine! However, unless I’m really in The Zone, I find that my thoughts go way faster than my fingers, and in the end, I get too stressed to even function. My subconscious gets the better of me, and in the end, my work, and my mental health, suffers because of it. Therefore, often I turn to music to help keep my mind chatter to a minimum, and to keep my focus sharp. Music is awesome that way; there is a unique type for every sort of mood you are feeling. If you need something relaxing, there’s a playlist for that. If you need hardcore screamo, there’s a playlist for that. If you need orchestral, or lyrical, or dubstep, or chillstep, there is a freaking playlist for that. Music is incredibly influential, and often I find that my mood mirrors whatever I’m listening to. Using music to impact and manipulate your writing is a great way to push past blocks, fears, and crippling doubt. Need a confidence booster? I’ll bet there’s a playlist for that.
9) EAT. Seriously. When was the last time you fed your body? And no, I don’t mean with ichiban noodles, nutrigrain bars, and candy. When was the last time you put ACTUAL food into your belly? AKA protein, nutrients, healthy sugars, and non-lethal doses of sodium? When was the last time you drank something besides coffee and energy drinks? If you honestly can’t remember, stop reading this blog, go and grab a cup of water, and don’t sit back down till you drank it all. I mean it.
10) You are going to hate me for this, but exercise. Notice how I left this as the last tip…because it is honestly the last damn resort, the “worst case scenario”, the Plan Z. I’m not a fan of exercise on the best of days, but sometimes, if you are hitting that writer’s block for the umpteenth time, and the end is nowhere in sight, and your frustration is building so high up that it’s about to cave in on itself, then maybe stepping away from the danger zone and getting fresh air IS actually a good idea. Stop breathing in recycled air, and go out to where the elements are not man-made. Get the blood flowing, the heart pumping, and blast that music so loud that thinking about your book is next to impossible. Give your brain a moment to think about something else. Trust me, it’s not cheating to place your attention elsewhere for a couple seconds.  
And there you have it! 10 tips to help you not rip out your hair and ram pencils into your eyeballs. Like I said before, not all these will work for you, nor should they (don’t forget, #5 is only in absolutely dire circumstances). During your writing hours, take time to introduce a couple of these into your schedule, and practice them till you find a groove that works well for you. I know your life is already busy, but trust me, your psyche will thank you in the long run!
With that said, I post new blogs (and vlogs, apparently) every Thursday, and if there is anything you’d like me to discuss, feel free to message me on here, or tweet me @ScarletteStone
Until next time,
Happy Writing!
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